#but then I finally remembered when I was first diagnosed with problems in college that all my symptoms were in my brain

[amtrak12]

HAHAHAHA my executive dysfunction, anxiety, and brain fog of the last two years isn’t isolation related after all -- my thyroid levels are just too low :P

I swiped some of spouse’s old hormone pills (100 units) to double up my dose this week (I’m on 175 currently). It’s only been three days but HOLY SHIT the night and day difference it has already made. My head is so clear right now! I have the drive to do things again!! IT’S AMAZING!

I will be contacting my doctor next week to be like “hey can I get a higher dose now instead of waiting for our October appointment???”.

So um PSA for those who have thyroid issues (or don’t have one at all like me), when your doctor asks how your fatigue levels are, don’t just consider physical fatigue. Brain fog, sluggish thoughts, and an inability to start tasks all fall into the energy/fatigue category.

[wanderingsoul6261]

Credit for gif goes to cinevettel

Title: You're Okay. We're okay.

James Beaufort x Reader

Synopsis: James and the Reader get into an argument and their relationship is rocky for a week. Then she doesn't show up for several days to school and he gets worried, before finally going to Alistair for some answers.

Warning: I think there is a few swears words? If I remember?

Also some personal reflection in this as well. I have hypothyroidism and it runs in the family. My dad had an episode with vertigo in which he had also found out he had his first episode of AFIB. This was a few years after he was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Second episode was four years later. AFIB is often a side effect of thyroid issues. Thyroid issues can cause detrimental effects if not taken seriously. You have any issues, with anything to do with your body, please please. Get it checked out. Stay safe.

------

The current week was definitely turning out to be a tough one, especially for both James and Y/N. Y/N herself hadn't been feeling the greatest the past week, with an unknown cause nor did she have anything that had seemed to help her feel better. But the two were currently going through an argument. Albeit, she wasn't one to go out of her way to talk to Ruby, Y/N wasn't happy with the way that James was treating her. She had felt that he had been unfair towards her, especially when Ruby's actions towards him were largely warranted. 

So the two had barely talked in the last week. Whenever they did, they argued, and Y/N didn’t like it, but James had to know that his actions were wrong, and as Y/N walked through the halls of Maxton, she thought back to the argument that they had earlier that morning. 

They both rode to school together that morning, even if they weren't talking. Alistair and Elaine offered to take her to school instead. Y/N understood Alistair asking, but she was surprised by Elaine, considering Elaine liked James. Y/N had spared James a look a few times, and itched to hold his hand. But he looked pissed off, so she didn’t, and when she went to ask if he was okay, he got snappy. This had only succeeded in now pissing Y/N off for the day as well. 

“What is your problem?” She asked. Percy turned the car down the long road leading to Maxton. The college could be seen through the trees.

“My problem? My problem is Ruby Bell.” He had but growled out those words, sending a sneer out the window at the passing trees. 

“She didn’t do anything.” 

“She walked in on Lydia and Sutton.” 

“It could have been anyone!” Y/N exclaimed. “What would have happened if it was Alistair or Cyril that walked in on them?” She asked. Y/N turned in the seat To look at him, but he refused to look at her. 

“But it wasn't them!” James turned to look at her. Percy looked in the rearview at them for a lengthy amount of time before turning his eyes back to the road before them. 

“Not my point, Beaufort!” She looked incredulously at him, as if he grew an extra head. Y/N wasn't understanding him in this moment, but then again, all millionaires and their heirs worked in the same way. “You can't just go and try to buy someone like you are her!” 

“Since when have you liked Ruby Bell?” 

“I don't not like nor do I like her. I just don't like how she is being treated by you and Lydia. She isn't even talking!” 

“Doesn't mean she won't. She thinks she knows how far I'm willing to go with this, but she has another thing coming for her.” James grumbled out. “I'm only just beginning.” Y/N clenched her jaw, before turning towards the front. 

“Percy, let me out.” the courtyard of Maxton was now in sight and only a few seconds away via car, but she couldn't handle James anymore at this moment. Percy looked at her through the rearview mirror, blinked a few times and then looked at James, who went back to looking out his window. 

Percy stopped the car. 

Without saying another word to James, she climbed out of the car. 

“Thank you, Percy.” 

Y/N had thought about it all consistently throughout the day. It had made some moments of studying and paying attention in classes difficult, but she had managed till the end of the day, and she was relieved. Y/N was ready to go home and relax. 

However, once Y/N had arrived home, she suddenly felt a ringing in her ears. Y/N felt nauseous, taking a few deep breaths to try and settle her stomach as everything seemed to hit her at once. She struggled to get out of the car, and the moment she was finally standing, she fell. 

The world was chaotic. Her vision was blurred and she was sensitive to all light and noise. Her chauffeur had come around the car to her, shouting for anyone inside the building to come and assist him. The crunching of his shoes against the stones of the driveway caused her face to scrunch up, and the yelling made her want to puncture her eardrums until she became deaf. 

A few more people knelt down around her, and she tried to keep her eyes open to see who it was, but the world was spinning. It was fast and quick and everything hurt. Y/N closed her eyes again. Why did she feel this way? What was going on? 

Y/N was now being picked up, placed back in the car between two bodies. Their voices told her that it was her parents. She was going to be okay. 

She turned as well as she could to see Alistair and Elaine standing on the front porch of the porch, watching them leave. She’ll be home soon. 

—

Y/N hadn't been to school for several days. Alistair and Elaine had missed a few days as well, but had not talked much about what was going on. And to say that James was worried was an understatement. He was terrified, especially more so as their last conversation was an argument. 

She hasn’t been answering his texts. Alistair and Elaine hadn't said much when he first initially asked. Just that there was an accident but everything was okay. No specifics were given to him. He had been too busy with the event committee and his parents to find time to go to the Ellington’s manor to see him. Even then, visitation to Y/N had been strictly limited, it didn't matter who you were. 

James was pulling his hair out by the time the fifth day arrived of no communication from her. 

“Alistair!” James grabbed his bicep, pulling him into an empty room. “Is someone going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” 

“About what?”

“About what? Your sister! Why isn’t Y/N answering my texts? Is she okay?” He had all but demanded. “And most importantly, why can’t I see her?” He asked. Alistair stared at him for a few seconds. 

“She had an experience with vertigo the other day. She’s been experiencing it on and off the past few days. Parents took her to the hospital after she collapsed the last day she was at school. Me and Elaine were already home, as she had stayed behind to do some extra studying on school grounds.” James stared at him as he took In this information.  

“And she's okay now?” Alistair hesitated.  

“Yes and no. She'll be fine. I can promise you that. But the vertigo is still messing with her pretty badly. On top of it, she had an episode of afib that she didn't really detect. She has to be on beta blockers for a little bit with a pacemaker also for a little bit to help monitor her heart rate. It will help the doctors keep track of her heart and this event of afib.”

“Can it just be a one time thing?” He asked. 

“Depends, honestly. They said it was likely for her, but that she could also likely experience more down the road. They said it was likely brought on by her hypothyroidism.” the two went silent for several minutes as James took in the information. 

“When can I see her?” He asked. 

“I can take you today.” 

—

Hesitation was not in James' intentions when he arrived at the Ellington manor. He booked past every single person, he seen, even the owners of the home As he raced towards the stairs. 

Their parents looked back at Alistair, Elaine following slowly behind him. He gave them a small shrug. 

“No one was talking to him about what was going on, including myself. It was time someone finally gave him some answers.” 

James hurried through the house, slowing down as he neared her room. She had vertigo, which likely also meant she was sensitive to light and noise. He had to be quiet. 

He knocked softly on her door, before calling out her name. It was silent for several seconds. 

“James?” A weak sounding voice could be heard. 

“Yea. Its me, love. Can I come in?” James could barely make out her approval. He opened her door, slowly and quietly. Her room was dark. Not entirely pitch black, but still dark enough that she could open her eyes and not be bothered by it if needed. 

She could be seen laying on her bed, buried underneath the blankets. James watched as she peeked her head out, her eyes opening slightly to watch him as he walked over to her. 

“Can I crawl into the bed?” He asked. Y/N nodded, moving backwards in the bed to allow him in. 

As he proceeded towards the bed, he noticed the medication bottles on her side table. The one he knew to be her thyroid medication. The others must be from her recent hospital stay. 

“So many drugs.” Y/N softly mumbled. “a pain in my arse.” James huffed out a laugh as he climbed into her bed. She scooted back over to rest against his chest. His arms came up to wrap around her, a hand coming up to comb through her hair. James buried his nose in her hair. 

“I'm glad you’re okay.” He whispered. Keeping his voice down. “I didn’t hear from you and no one in your family wanted to tell me anything.” 

“I'm sorry. They were supposed to.” Her weak voice spoke back to him. “that wasn’t fair to you. Even if we were fighting.” his mind went back to the argument. 

“I want to apologize.” He said. “You were right. The whole time, you were right. It wasn’t right for me to treat Bell like that.” He admitted. James knew when the arguments started that Y/N was right. He was just too arrogant and hard headed to admit it. For a moment there, he had turned into his father, and he grew to resent it. 

“Did you apologize?” 

“Not yet.” He admitted. “But I have been nicer.” 

Y/N huffed out a laugh, before wincing. 

“Well, it's a start.” Y/N kept her voice quiet, barely a mumble. She almost sounded tired. 

“We’ve made some good work on the donor gala.” He admit. “We are changing it to be Victorian themed.” 

“Yea? Are you going to use your parents' collection for advertisement?” Her voice sounded still as a mumble. 

“Wasn't going to. But I think it will be good for it. I was probably going to take Bell in the coming days to take photos. I know you absolutely love the collection, so if you'd like to join us-” a soft snore broke the moment. James sat there, listening to Y/N as she slept. A small smile graced his lips. James pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, his fingers still gently combing through her hair. He used his other hand to pull the blanket to cover more of her body. After a short amount of time, James too fell asleep. 

—

Several hours have passed and the Ellington parents checked in on the two in Y/N's room. Both were fast asleep, clung to each other. 

“Should we wake them?” 

“No. They have to make up for lost time. Plus him being here will probably be better for her moral.” 

---

taglist: @honethatty12 @lifeonawhim @ashamedtobewhitemanswhore27 @maryvibess @wheredidmyeyesgo @imasimptoowth @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @sillyfreakfanparty

[mysticcrownwolf]

So your girl finally had a autistic meltdown and finally asked her mum about her childhood and got some mixed results but long story short I am finally getting an official autism and adhd diagnosis because in my mums words “Everyone deserves things that make their life easier to live”. Not gonna lie guys I did cried about this but it also came up that they did tried to get me diagnosed before (I don’t remember this at all) but were told I just had very high levels of hyperactivity so to make sure this type of bullshit doesn’t happen again I am making a list of all my weird or quirky traits and having the neurodivergents of Tumblr peer review them so I can finally get a diagnosis after 19 years of struggling.

1) I didn’t ever in my life made or had friends that stick around.

2) I was actually alienated a lot by most people in my life for being the umbrella term they all coined as ‘weird’ what this weird means varies from person to person.

3) I have actually been told by other girls that they gave me a chance to keep them company even after many people told them I was too weird and they should stay away from me. These same people later called me slurs, were self absorbed or just plain abusive towards me.

4) Through out my whole life I have sat alone on a double bench because no one wanted to sit with me in class.

5) I have a problem with properly spelling certain words like I write weird as ‘wierd’ or video as ‘vedio’.

6) People constantly doubt I have any sense of knowledge and act like any good idea I give is a surprise even when I was on the top of the class the phrases like “ That’s the first good idea you ever had” weren’t uncommon.

7) I walk a lot and I mean a lot enough that hyperactivity has still been a part of my diagnostic because I walked so much they had no choice but to put that in. I actually come to the school 30 minutes early then walked the whole time, I would just up and leave classes to walk in corridors because I couldn’t sit still long enough, my walking is such a huge part of me my old teachers still tell their classes about me as the girl that walked too much.

8) People in my college nicknamed me the headphone girl because I walked around our whole campus( I would pace a lot around the parameters) with my only noticeable feature being my headphones.

9) I was the only kid in my school not scared of bugs which lead to some notable incidents

I once picked a small green caterpillar and showed it off to my class of 10 year olds they started crying and teacher made me throw the bug even though I wanted to keep it as a pet

Our teacher once asked us to bring butterflies to class so I captured around 30 butterflies put them in a breathable Tupperware and took those to class me being the only person who did this freaked out all the other children with my butterflies , we later released them all in recess it was very pretty

I not only volunteered but gleefully presented live earthworms on my palm to various groups of parents in our school science fare much to the horrified looks of many parents and children about how a little girl like me wasn’t screaming from handling earthworms.

I scared our class mean girl by capturing a butterfly and then turning my hand holding the butterfly in her direction she and a few other girls screamed when I tried to tell them that the little critter was harmless and even offered to let them hold her (I was very confused why they didn’t like this).

10) I was friends with a lot of my teachers as well as higher class teachers especially the Science, Social studies and English teachers. I would often spend my recess in the biology lab chatting with the biology teacher about the different specimens in the lab and how much I enjoyed biology in general. I am half sure I would have loved to study biology/medicine if not for the fact it was a minimum investment of 7 years though I am still an avid reader of new biological discoveries and follow many niche youtube channels that focus on flora and fauna.

11) I was actually friends with all 3 principles in my school and would go to them after my last class to chat about my school day. This was so bizarre to others but I actually enjoyed how much these adults would listen to my info dump even if my own peers won’t.

12) Every single time my report card came I would usually top the class in most subjects except maths in which I usually underperformed ( don’t worry guys I figured out later I just need to know every basic concept to get the deep understanding of mathematical principles which my teachers were very bad at build but I later learned how to do it myself) but it would always have in big bold letters that “I talked to much and have weird questions and am disruptive in class ” which my bad I thought I could get details about what your are teaching and develop great interest but nah we just need to complete the syllabus as fast as we can. Salt on the wound I would only ask questions and discuss topics in class with the teacher since I don’t have friends I could talk to in class. They deadass never ever punished a single student from disrupting in class except me the girl who asked silly questions about what we were studying maybe they thought my questions were weird so I was asking them to disrupt they flow of the class rather than genuine curiosity who knows

13) I had very bad anger issues stemming from how the system as well as authority figures treated me ( I have since been to therapy and gotten help for it ) but a lot of time I verbally and physically attacked an authority figures usually when they punished me for something I didn’t do or when they tried to empty out their frustration on me or tried to bully me in anyway. I never took bullying face down from anybody be it younger or older than me my flight or fight response was always on fight

14) People did tried to bully me physically or verbally but I always returned it in kind with interest so it never really stuck like the isolation did. My most memorable experience with bullying was when I bitch slapped our school mean girl so hard the whole ground heard it , I don’t think I ever got any punishment for it and she later burned every friendship she had by throwing her whole group under the bus for some vandalism they did.

15) I unfortunately never had friends so when they school told me telling an authority figure I am being teased, harassed or even that someone is breaking the rules is what’s morally right I ran with the rules set for me rather than knowing the social norms that this would mark me as the school snitch without the teachers ever doing anything about the issues. Unfortunately I learned the hard way through trial and error that once you are labelled as a snitch their is nothing you can do to get that tag off and it comes with the added benefit of making people never talk to each other near me or even just leave the places I visit alone so yay more loneliness for me

16) I actively volunteered for every single activity and program my school office this sounds great but I picked and got selected for all 7 different fairs (English, Hindi, Maths, Science, Social science, Music, Art) but rather than pick out one or two I helped out with all 7 of them. They later added a 3 groups per person limit.

17) I am actually trained in both classical instrumental and singing but couldn’t complete my singing degree before the program closed down and it’s been 6 years since I played a Casio that I don’t think that even matters anymore. Anyway I added this because at first I did both of these at the same time along with volunteering for all the other activities before they added a 1 course per year limit which is a shame since it cost me my vocal degree.

18) I love reading that just the fact I found reading in my school library when I was 8 haven’t let it go since by my librarian’s estimate I read almost 3000 books (mostly children books) from my school library. I also have a mini collection of about 300 books that I have passed down to both of siblings. These days I read mostly on ao3 or the occasional paperback I bought at the airport but reading is still something I do almost daily.

19) See one thing about me is I was one of the first student at my school so much so my identification number was 35 so me being such an old student my school has actually legends about my quirky ( neurodivergent ) behaviour which has made me understand where most legends actually come from

I walked out of classes so many times teachers to this day still tell stories of the weird girl that likes to walk

My whole school knew who I was mostly because I would be the first and only person that likes to answer philosophical questions asked by our principal in the assembly, I was also great with improvising assembly conductions, thought of the days, assembly quizzes, full speeches on topics told to me 2 minutes ago, even improvised song recitations (can you guys pick up I have social anxiety now).

As I told you my lovelies I love reading so if I was immersed in a book and the class started I would just hide the book to read in class once I got caught so I got termed the girl who like to read books in class( is it stupid yes did it still happened certainly). I later learned to zone out to the stories in my mind during class which was very helpful.

As I told you guys I was actually on pretty friendly terms with my principal and teachers so guess who became the teachers pet for the next 8 years even though most teachers care jack shit about my interest and was further alienated because of this me ofcourse.

I actually once locked myself in the school bathroom for like 4 hours because I hadn’t completed the homework a teacher had given me and she was quite physically abusive towards me. I got suspended for a week because of this funnily enough nobody in my school actually remember this and most are really surprised to know I was suspended.

I am actually really famous or infamous by the way you look at it for physically assaulting a teacher funnily enough the name of the teacher, why I am attacked them and even how I hit them changes from person to person I have actually heard 10-15 different variations from different people( I am not even sure if I actually ever hit a teacher most I remember is I lunged at one teacher but she stepped back so I didn’t even touch her).

20) I was depressed from age 14 to 17 which caused me to chronic pain which later caused me to meet my current psychologist who helped me a lot but is vehemently against me getting any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis most she say is I have borderline adhd tendencies and that I think to much and should focus on calming down my mind which honestly is quite invalidating.

21) I can’t wear any sort of itchy or frilly materials when I was younger ( the texture was soo bad) but my sister could which made my mother think I was being a drama queen.

22) When I was younger I use toilet paper after using a bidet because the feeling of wet pants would over stem me so bad it’s not a problem for me anymore except from sometimes during winters.

23) I didn’t know Chewelry existed when I was younger so I chewed on my nails/skin,my lips, squishy parts of remotes, plastic toys, legos, scarfs, hoody strings, hot glue gun glue, chalk, cement, sand, mud etc. (Yes I know about the microplastics now no I don’t care).

24) I am highly sensitive to sounds so if my fan have a weird creak sound I won’t be able too sleep I also can’t sleep if I hear a clock ticking or any other repetitive sounds ( my mum still doesn’t understand why I can’t just force myself to sleep).

25) I also can’t sleep in continuous silence I need background noise to fall asleep.

26) It took me a whole year of forcing myself to wear bra and panties for my body to finally get used to me wearing them. It was a stimulation nightmare but I think it was worth it I enjoy wearing bras and panties now.

27) I can’t eat apples like I physically cringe even thinking of the sensation of biting into an apple. I have tried cutting an apple into every single why I could I still can’t swallow or even properly chew an apple the texture is such a sensory nightmare for me. Cabbage used to be the same for me but though constant reintroduction I can usually for myself to eat it with a glass of water

28) I have had many foods be absolutely sensory nightmare for me throughout my childhood. I was a very picky eater think bread, soup, lentils and noodles(packet noodles without vegetables). I couldn’t eat any kinds of fruits(except banana), vegetables, pizza , burgers (still don’t eat this), dumplings, wraps, pasta,etc. Heck I was a vegetarian for majority of my life before I learned chicken is actually a great textured food for me though I still don’t eat any form of red meat or sea foods and my food list is still very limited I have constantly reintroduced many foods for myself over the years which I can now usually bear to eat. I also learned that I can usually consume fruit and vegetables better if they are liquids so fruits juices, smoothies and soups were also great help.

29) I was and still am an absolutely clean freak and organiser. Like my bag use to have books organised in this specific order English, Hindi, Maths, Science and then Social studies and it needs to been in this order or I would get anxious. Fortunately no one else in my house ever wanted to organise anything so I would organise everything with way I would want it to be while also being neat.

30) One of my biggest sources of stress came from how dirty my siblings made our room. I would deep clean everything and then organise our books , toys and clothes and then clean and organise our bed they would just bulldozers through and ruin all my hard work in a day or two. Unfortunately I had this sense of cleanliness and order since I was a child and my siblings who were even younger then me weren’t slobs(ok maybe my brother was but anyway) they just weren’t wired to like cleanliness and order like I did and being children anything I told them about how we can keep our room clean went over their heads because I was always their to do it for them.

31) I actually had many special interests growing up though I didn’t have trains as an interest except for the cool toy train set I got as a gift or the maglev trains who are objectively very cool. My biggest special interest were rocks, space and animals especially all the books Nat geography and scholastic puts out on animals. I actually had a rock collection mostly made up of sedimentary rock and a piece of lime stone which my mother later kept in the shed where it got lost during home construction. I also have a modest collection of books and another collection of small childhood trinkets that I still have (I recently bought a clay bird that mimics actual bird call when filled with a little water to add to my collection).

32) I forget I need to eat and drink it’s always been like this I don’t have that internal clock that says you are thirsty go drink water or you are hungry go eat food . I need to remind myself it’s been 12 hrs I probably need water it’s been 32 hrs you should probably get some food or at least have a protein shake it’s like my body has no sense of hunger or thirst but I am getting better at eating and drinking at least the drinking water part anyway.

33) I am tired it’s not recent but in the last few years since I became an adult I feel so tired I use to be the topper of my class the gifted children that participated in everything now I am in college and just getting an 80% feels draining everyone has so much hope for me that I could and should do better but I am just tired. I walk and trekk sometimes but I don’t participate in any events and I see others I see my roommate who participates in like 5 different events and still gets a 95% if she can do it why can’t I. I use to be able to do so much and now I don’t have the drive to do much of anything anymore it’s so painful to realise that I should do better but what does better looks like for someone who is as tired as I am.

I did took some online test as well just to see if I even had a chance and the results were mostly the same I have many Adhd/Autistic tendencies and should probably get a professional diagnosis. I would be very thankful if my fellow autistic and adhd people would help me add more targeted experiences so I can finally get a diagnosis

@my-autism-adhd-blog you inspired me write all of this down and it would be very helpful if you could guide me to get a better diagnosis because of your experience. Also I greatly enjoy the contents of your blog so thank you for that

[direwolfrules]

I just need to get this down somewhere. I need to vent, or to find validation, or have someone outside of all this know. I can’t afford therapy, I can’t talk to my family about this because they’re part of the problem, and I can’t talk to my friends about this because how do I tell my few irl friends this. This might be why I don’t have many irl friends, can’t exactly form personal connections if you’re worried they’ll find out this. I am drowning, and I need someone to know why.

Idk, trigger warning for abuse, suicidal thoughts, probably more stuff

First thing you need to know walking in is I’m the expendable one in my generation. I, quite simply, do not matter as much as everyone else. I’d say I’m the scapegoat but that would require them to think about me enough to blame me for the failures and flaws of others. My parents try to support me, but there’s been this thing, since I was very little, where my older brother needed them more. He had gotten diagnosed with ADHD, speech problems, and motor coordination issues before I was out of diapers. Our local public school was shit for kids with IEPs so my parents always had to fight for him.

And there was definitely some unintentional favoritism there. I don’t think my mom even realizes that I noticed this, I don’t think this was even a conscious thought in her head, but the last time I was in therapy (a half-decent BetterHelp online therapist because that’s all we could afford) my brother was in therapy with an expensive anxiety specialist that he constantly lied to and chose not to use the techniques he was given. We had to tighten our belts a bit and my mom asked me if I was done with therapy yet. I was not. I had just stopped using the thought of killing myself as a self-soothing method. I hadn’t even gotten to the whole closeted bisexual whose dad frequently makes homophobic jokes thing (I’m not out to him, but I’m scared to come out because “what if my dad doesn’t love me anymore?”). But I said I was, because my particular brand of Recession Trauma is feeling guilty for any amount of money spent on me, especially when bills need to be paid. The possibility of my brother ending his highly expensive lying sessions never came up.

And in their quest to protect my brother, I kinda fell by the wayside. Or worse, had to help bail him out of his own messes. My own ADHD was very obvious in hindsight, but since I was a girl and got good grades I was just “lazy”. Got yelled at so many times for not focusing when I simply couldn’t. My mom, she used to set up the stove timer and there was an unspecified punishment if I didn’t finish my assignment by the time the timer went off. All that did was teach me how to turn off and set the stove timer. Anyway, I remember being in third grade, and I had aced a math test on a subject that was giving me particular trouble. I was so excited, and instead of congratulating me or telling me she was proud, my mom told me to not say anything in front of my brother because he had trouble with math. That happened a lot, but the third grade incident really stands out in my memory because that’s the first time I realized that it wasn’t right. And I remember when he started college, he’d have over a week to do his homework for his biology class. Instead he usually started it 10 o’clock at night, two hours before it was due. I was expected to help him because I took AP Bio. I went to my mom once, and I said I couldn’t do it anymore, he was waiting till the last minute and I was losing sleep and time for my own assignments. I got yelled at for being selfish for a good ten minutes until she finally processed what I said beyond “I can’t keep helping him”. I didn’t get an apology, and she told my brother he had to start his assignments earlier. I was still expected to help him, though he thought I had to do the homework for him. I would give him all the information he needed to write up his response, and he wouldn’t do a thing. My mom didn’t fight me when I told her I was done this time, after I showed her the paper where I had done the punnet square for him— twice— and he still didn’t answer the question.

My brother is insanely controlling. If my mom and dad do anything, like go to their staff parties, he becomes passive aggressive. He’s written letters and e-mails to my mom’s principle and vice-principal more than once demanding she not be given procession opportunities because “she’s needed at home”. Once, my mom got called for jury duty, got selected, and my brother wrote a letter to the judge claiming she lied about not knowing anyone who was a victim of sexual assault. She was lucky the judge was so understanding when she said my brother’s got issues.

My brother likes to hit us. My parents, and me. It started as just my parents, started when he was younger and just never stopped. With me, it started when I finally got big enough to get in between him and whichever of our folks he was trying to hit. Or maybe it started when I was five, and he slammed the flip lid of the car cupholder down on my arm because he was mad at our parents but couldn’t hit them. He was eight.

Once, I tripped and landed chest first on a tree root. Couldn’t breathe deeply for a week. I mention this, because once I got in between my brother and my mother, and he kicked me hard enough that I couldn’t breathe properly for a month and a half. This was after I blocked a punch and a thrown phone aimed at my mother’s head. Before I could get back up to defend her again, he twisted her arm. That’s a favorite move of his, twisting a limb in two opposite directions. This was all because my mom asked him how he did in his elective class that semester (he failed cause he never went and only did the exams, none of the rest of the assignments).

When asked about it later, dad trying to play peacekeeper, he had the nerve to say we deserved it. Also called us miserable bitches. And spat at us, but he couldn’t aim for shit and wound up spitting on himself.

Once, when our dad asked him to please do the dishes, he worked himself into a rage and threw our disabled cat at him. He missed dad, but hit the internet router.

One time he decided he didn’t want to go to the orthodontist so he ran out of the office, waited for my mom to follow him, and charged her from halfway down the block. He knocked her down, hard.

He hits us, shoves us to the ground, throws things, kicks, attempts to break our limbs, for anything from minor inconveniences (ie. asking a 24 year old to empty his room’s trash can) to minor arguments (ie. the time my dad asked him to please get off the instagram live and go to sleep because it was 2 am and he was keeping everyone up). For the instagram live incident he slammed my dad’s arm and leg in the door of his room (separately, he did it twice in succession) and bit a chunk out of his finger. My dad has a scar from this.

There’s one incident though, that really drives home how I will never matter as much as my abuser. We were home alone, our parents having left for work and I didn’t have to leave for college for a bit. My brother was “washing” the dishes. I put washing in quotes because he wasn’t using dish soap. Wasn’t even using the sponge, just barely rinsing them and then dunking them, sometimes still covered in visible food residue, into the drying rack. I said, “Hey, (Brother’s Name), you should use dish soap, especially with the egg dried on those dishes. It’ll make your life easier”. I said it quietly and calmly, even friendly, with no condescension or anything that could be taken as such in my tone. I made sure of it. I had to stay at the kitchen counter next to him for a minute because I was looking for my ADHD meds. I could hear him working himself up, but I just kinda hoped I wasn’t actually hearing it. And then he slapped my arm.

I tried to stay calm, because he feeds off of the negative reactions he gets, he uses them to justify further slaps. I tried to keep my face and tone neutral, and I truly don’t know how well I did because I was just that scared and angry. I asked him “Why did you do that?”. He tried to slap me in the face.

I say tried because I managed to partially block it. My glasses got knocked hard against the side of my head and my right arm hurt like a mother fucker, but he didn’t get my face. If he had, I probably would have banged my head against the cabinet next to me.

He went for another slap and I shoved him back. He has over half a foot on me and a lot more muscle mass, and I have a bad shoulder, so it wasn’t very far. And here’s where things get all fuzzy, flashes of memory shit. I remember he reached out to the side for something. I don’t remember what he was reaching for, but I remember thinking that he was gonna kill me. With how our kitchen is laid out, he could have been reaching toward the knives, the pots and pans, or the half-full pot of hot coffee. I don’t remember which of these he was reaching for. I just remember he was reaching for one of them.

So, I choked him. I don’t know why that was my reaction, but it was. Maybe it was because I couldn’t actually win in a fight against him. I think I didn’t go for the eyes because he could bite me. I let go the second he stopped reaching for whatever he was reaching for, I remember that much. And I remember trying to run for my phone and the door, out of the house. He grabbed my left arm before I could leave the kitchen and started doing the twisting thing. So I choked him again. This repeated twice more. I know he kicked me at one point. Every time I disengaged I told him some variation of “go to your room, get away from me, stop hitting me”. Every time he tried to hurt me again.

Finally, he was on the floor. I think that was after he kicked me, he over balanced and slid down. He may have kicked me twice, cause I remember both my stomach and chest were bruised, but he could only have hit one at a time. He began this fake crying routine. I mean obviously fake crying, the kind that only works on our narcissist grandma and other morons. And I remember, when I wasn’t rushing to reassure him or apologize to him for defending myself, he stopped and looked at me with such hatred. It was like a scene from a fucking movie, or a novel or some bullshit. Like those scenes of serial killers where they drop their fake emotional act when they realize the cop or whoever isn’t buying it. It didn’t register as anything more than “he’s pulling his bullshit” when he did it, but looking back it gives me the fucking chills. That look fuels more of my fear of him killing me one day than his reaching toward the knives and heavy metal objects.

He lunged for me again, and I put my foot on his neck. I don’t regret it, or any of the choking. It was the only way physically I could control the fight, and I don’t think I ever aimed to kill him. I think he’d be dead if I had. I just wanted him to stop hurting me.

I don’t know what I said differently that last time I let him up. I don’t know if I did say anything differently. I just know he ran up to his room. And I know I called my mom, and I ran out of the house. I know I called my grandparents, and I waited by the curb for them to pick me up.

My uncle came, with my grandmother. They’re two little narcissist peas in a pod, with my uncle being my narc grandma’s precious little golden child. I should probably mention that my brother is also one of her golden children. He’s descended from my grandmother and has a penis, of course he’s her favorite.

I got in my uncle’s car and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn’t buckle the seatbelt. I was sobbing uncontrollably, telling them what happened. My uncle stayed outside with me to try and calm me down. My grandmother went inside to calm down my brother. I just knew, I knew when she walked into that house she’d somehow find a way to absolve my brother of any responsibility.

And she did, by making up this fiction about my dad being an abusive monster. I just stayed silent so I would be able to get away from the house, because the incidents she was recounting weren’t actually between my dad and brother but my uncle and his autistic son. I know, because they happened in front of me. The only details changed were the actual perpetrator and victim. If I said anything, I could have lost my ride away from the worse hell of the two. My grandmother tried to get me to come back inside and talk things out. I started primal fear type shrieking that I couldn’t go back in there. I couldn’t. My uncle got her to stop insisting.

Finally we left for my grandparents’ house, and I had to listen to an entire car ride of my grandmother crying over her poor little grandson. Because he was the real victim here.

My mom called me, she was on her way home, and she asked me if I wanted her to come to directly to me or if she could go to my brother first and calm him down. She started making her case for going to my brother first and I just tuned her out. I think that’s when it finally started to sink in, that I will never be the priority between the two of us. I think I told her to go to him first. She clearly wanted to. Even though I just really wanted my mom.

She finally came to see me and immediately told me how sorry my brother was. I didn’t care. He said sorry before, he never meant it. She asked me how I was, what happened. The “how are you” question was a little stupid, considering I had several ice packs on me. My brother wasn’t even bruised. Not even around his neck, which is probably the biggest evidence that I wasn’t trying to kill him.

I was in a lot of pain, and my ribs fucking hurt so bad I wasn’t breathing right, again, so I said I wanted to go to urgent care. She kept trying to convince me otherwise. And then my grandfather, who until that point had been the only adult in my family to never make me feel lesser, like I didn’t matter less, said “If you go to urgent care they’ll call the cops and your brother will get arrested”. Because that was the priority. And I just, like, shut down my emotions for a bit because I couldn’t deal with those at the moment and agreed to go home.

My mom asked me if I wanted to go to my college class, cause she could take me to the train station. She got annoyed when I said no, to which I said I didn’t think I could safely ride the train in my condition. She was still annoyed, so I told her I hadn’t had a chance to take my meds before the incident happened. She still tried to get me to go in, to which I finally said that if I go in with bruises like I had my two closest classmates were going to ask me what happened, and I might just tell them the truth. That got her to stop.

My brother, over the next several days, tried to buy my forgiveness with fucking Starbucks pink drinks. I can’t sit down with my back to the door, and I feel intense anxiety if someone stands next to or behind me when I’m sitting, but sure, fucking Starbucks means everything is okay!

I am terrified of my brother. I’m terrified he’s going to kill me one day. I’m terrified that, even in that horrible circumstance, my family will still defend him. I have nightmares about him. I also hate him. For all the bullshit he puts us all through, and all that he isn’t. We don’t have a good sibling relationship, because I spent most of my life feeling unsafe in his presence. And I can’t talk to anyone about this, because life sucks.

And he only does the physical abuse and the controlling routine to us. His girlfriend, friends, teachers, he’s perfectly charming toward them. Friendly, supportive. I don’t think anyone would believe me if I said Mister Personality was a violent abuser. And that scares me too.

[moth--knight]

if you don't mind sharing, how exactly did you find out you had adhd? and how did you get through college w it?

hi anon!! not a question I expected haha, but sure, I can answer (but I rambled sorry, so putting it below the cut)

I didn't realize I had it until I got to college, mostly due to interacting with peers who also had ADHD and whose experiences mirrored mine in startling ways. I had always been a good student in terms of like, grades? But I struggled with getting ANYTHING in on time. It was like there was a mental block preventing me from doing even the most basic of things. Sitting down to focus on a simple 200 word response felt like pulling teeth despite the fact that I was objectively a good and fast writer, and pretty much every assignment I have done since middle school onward I have done at the VERY LAST MINUTE. I nearly flunked out of my first semester of college because despite having As in all my classes, I could not for the life of me get myself to write the final papers for three of my classes. My professors were kind enough to give me extensions of a full two months - and yet every single one of those papers I wrote the night before the final deadline, crying on the floor of my dorm room until 7am. I didn't understand WHY I couldn't just fucking sit down and do it. It did not help that I could focus on shit like video games for HOURS without moving. I would forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to use the bathroom - I always felt very fucking useless and lazy, because I *could* focus, but never on the right thing. Not to mention that I could not form habits to save my life. Even now at 25, remembering to brush my teeth twice a day is like, nigh on impossible. Lol.

In college I met some friends who were diagnosed with ADHD, and all of them were pretty much like "hey your issues with hyperfixations and an inability to focus on simple necessary tasks and an inability to keep habits and so forth all are very ADHD coded my friend" and I was like "NAHHHHHHHHH. NO WAY. I'M FINE." <- words of a guy who was NOT fine

Even worse, my partner at the time had a therapist who just from stories of me was like "btw maybe you should tell your bf they probably have ADHD it could help them" which is like. Deeply fucking funny kdfsgfhdkjsal Anyway. My own therapist eventually also was like "99.9% sure you have ADHD" and I was like "sick what do I do then" and she was like "well you could get tested and get on meds" and I was like "ahahahahahahaha well I cannot afford that so nah"

I had no insurance in college and every dime I made I spent on HRT or sent it home to my family. So. I basically ignored the problem. Which. Was not helpful. Lol. Quite frankly looking back I am not sure how I managed to graduate at all. I was under severe and constant stress because of the way ADHD was ruining my life as a student. It was not fun.

I didn't really *accept* that I had ADHD though until after college, and I still have never gotten a formal diagnosis 1) because I don't have that kind of money to throw around tbh and 2) I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know.

BUT. YOU ASKED HOW I GOT THROUGH. SO HERE ARE MY TRIED AND TRUE STRATEGIES

Whenever possible, I tried to set up parallel working sessions. I often sat with a large group of friends/peers in our library and we would work together. Having other people with me helped keep me on track, and even when I spent half the time talking, the other half I worked. Working alone I often got NOTHING done. Parallel play saved my ass on many nights and for many assignments. My junior/senior year when we had to go remote because of COVID I swapped out in person for video calls with multiple people. Same sort of vibe. Now as an adult if I want to get something done, I still hop on a video call with my friends. It helps me focus to have other people there, and the background noise of conversations is soothing almost. I don't know why, but it works.

If you can, have some sort of schedule imposed by outside forces. I really fucking suck at habit forming, and so making lists and just saying "I am going to do this then" does not work for me. But having set times I would go to class and go to work helped me manage my time better, and carve out blocks that FORCED me to work on what I needed to get done. I color coded my schedule and made sure that my class hours and work hours were regular; it made my 'free time' also more structured around those mandated times, which helped a little. It also caused me a lot of stress though. There are tradeoffs for everything I suppose.

Walking and pacing!!! This sounds nuts but like. I luv maladaptive daydreaming and have since I was a kid, so I kind of adapted that to help me with school work. If I had an essay or something I would put on some music and go for a walk or pace in my dorm room and just think about the assignment. It helped me generate ideas so when it came time to sit and focus, I had something to work with rather than staring at a blank page. I really suck at sitting still and thinking, so moving around helped me a lot.

Speaking of, I took a LOT of breaks. Which seems counterintuitive I guess, but allowing myself to get up, go get a snack, go chat with someone, etc, made it easier to come back and sit down and work rather than trying to just sit and focus and fail to focus for hours on end. I took lots of breaks but also got small pieces done in between every break, so it all added up in the end.

Anyway, sorry, this is a lot. the TLDR is I spent my schooling years either unaware or in denial of having ADHD, and it destroyed me. I wish I had accepted it sooner, and I wish I had more adults in my life that could have saw the signs and helped me.....but alas.

Even so, I developed ways to cope that I still use now. It helped me a lot to start talking to other people who also have ADHD because it made me feel less alone. I've also tried very hard to reframe my thinking of myself as lazy/useless because like, I am not either of those things! I just have a disorder that makes shit hard! GRAH!

I have no idea if any of this is helpful anon, but I hope ??? it can be. I don't want to presume anything BUT if you too are in college and struggling I am wishing you the absolute best and I hope you can find a good support system. (And if you ever want to chat, my dms are open <3)

[dxintysblog]

Hi all! Sorry for the long post, it is worth the read. If anyone feels crazy or overlooked or they feel that something is wrong with them. Please read it. Advocate for yourself and your happiness.

I haven’t been here in a while and I just need to vent.

I have struggled with my weight for my entire life. I grew up dancing and in that environment, a young girls body is the main topic of discussion. I was always the chubby kid, I wasn’t stick thin. I had muscle and curves and an ass and I grew boobs early. My mom started putting me on diets as soon as I started puberty. She did these things because, she too, fought her weight her entire life - my entire life. I think she wanted better for me, and she also used me as her support and reasoning. And like clockwork, she fell off the diet train, pulling me with her. I started heavily restricting. But I could never lose those extra pound that would make me enough by her or my dance teachers.

All these things carried on into my late teenage years. I was sneaking food behind her back and eating pints of icecream and sonic burgers and family sized bags of chips. I hated myself for it, but I craved it. This is about the time I got on birth control.

Now as a young adult, 18-19, my mental health was at an all time low. I don’t remember my first year of college(not because of partying. I hardly left my room) I was so incredibly depressed and lost. I met my now husband and fell in love with him. But I was bouncing between restricting so heavily and binge eating.

Now at 22. I’ve married the love of my life, my mom has died and took my animosity in our relationship with her, I have worked so hard on bettering my self and continuing to fight for my education. And I’ve been steadily gaining weight. I’ve been fighting my cravings and working out, my husband has been a tremendous help in cooking meals at home. He has transformed his body. He lost over 70 LBS and is gaining serious muscle. He is becoming so much more confident in his appearance (granted he has always been incredibly handsome. All while I have been gaining and gaining and gaining.

I mentioned birth control earlier, I spoke to the doctor at my hospital and every year I hate the same complaints. Every year his answer was the same “lose weight and that will help.” He gave me no resources, no referrals, no blood panels, nothing to help me get the proper information that I would need.

When I turned 21, I went to get my first well-woman’s exam (pap smear), and I had a woman NP do the exam on me. I brought up my concerns and my families health issues that bring the concern. She immediately ordered a blood panel. She listened to me and made me feel heard. Thankfully, the panel was normal. But this only pushed the feelings that something else was wrong and I felt crazier.

My first thought was because of my birth control. Maybe thats the issue. So I got off the pill and got an IUD. 4 months later, no change. In my last check up, I finally broke down in tears to my OBGYN. listing off the inability to lose weight. The acne. The thick, black hair that grows on my face and stomach - that I tweeze and wax SERIOUSLY. The fatigue and insomnia combo (which is super fun to be exhausted but I can’t sleep). The irritation. The stress. The absolute hate I have because something is wrong, I know I’m fat, I know I need to fix that. BUT NOTHING WORKS. I cried that I needed help.

The woman sat and listened to every word I said. She made me feel comfortable. Before she examined me, she said she would look over my last blood panel to see what she missed. She looked up a health and weight loss clinic that would help me.

I was formally diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarien Syndrome)

I am not crazy. I am not unhealthy due to my past. It is not completely my fault for my problems. If I didn’t put my foot down and say these things to someone I felt would listen to me, I would still feel this way.

Something was wrong with me and now I can fix it. And I feel like I have some control over my life again.

[luminous-studiess]

how to study with a mental illness!!!! aka a guide to simultaneously caring for yourself and your academics

(disclaimer: this is from purely personal experience and is not a substitute for seeking professional help. these are just personal tips as i was formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the third year of college, but had been showing symptoms even in high school. different methods help for different people, but i really hope some of these things can help a struggling student out, because one of the reasons i went on studyblr in the first place was that i felt really lost and anxious.)

1. done is better than none. sometimes an assignment you have to turn in would be objectively easy to complete, but it takes longer to do so because you’re afraid that the final product won’t be as good as you want it to be, or as good as a professor expects it to be. it’s hard to remove those expectations, but it is a little easier when you remember that getting some points (no matter how many they are) are better than getting a deduction for late submissions or not turning in the project at all. many people -- including myself -- suffer from perfectionism in university, but it is overall more important to complete something to the best of your own ability, and learn from the feedback on the project later on. more importantly, often, you’re doing better than you think you’re doing, so surprise yourself. you can do it. just start.  2.  keep careful track of your deadlines.  much of my undergrad anxiety came from the fact that i knew something was due, but couldn’t keep track of it, or didn’t want to confront it. it’s better to confront it because you have more time to do it slowly and thoroughly. as soon as you hear about an impending exam or paper deadline, keep track of it. personally, i use google calendar. from there, you can make smaller plans and break down your goals to make it more doable! 3. don’t be afraid to ask for help.  there used to be a huge stigma against mental illness, but thankfully, many educational institutions are much kinder and more considerate about it. if you really can’t meet a deadline or come to class, let your professor know. most professors are kind, reasonable people who genuinely care about you and your well-being. even one of my scariest professors granted extensions to a girl who was genuinely struggling with serious depression, and the college of law i’m in takes mental health very seriously to the point that they instruct faculty how to deal with such cases.  if you’re not able to talk to a professor, try to ask help from a classmate or a friend who can share notes or fill you in on how they accomplished a certain assignment. many people will be happy to help. you are not a burden, love. 4. be kinder to yourself.  mental illness is like any illness. it often keeps us from doing as well as we’d like to be because it’s a genuine and serious health problem. sometimes it helps to keep this in mind when we flub a report in class (as i did several tens of times in undergrad), get a bad score, say something ridiculous during recitation, or mess up a paper. it’s okay to do your best while you heal. you know you’re trying your best, and slow growth is still growth. 5. on that note, care for your other needs.  one of my happiest and most fulfilled semesters (even though it was my busiest) was when i had time to see a psychiatrist, run, pack lunches and fruit to school to eat healthy, and have a reasonable-ish sleep schedule. this was during my thesis semester. while i had to take an incomplete, and finish my thesis the next sem, because i was attending to my own needs, i felt like a living, breathing, learning, happy person. and i finished my thesis the next semester. it’s better to look after your own physical health and needs before your academics. 6. sometimes, it’s better to do nothing and rest. you deserve it.  part of the reason i’d been doing horribly in law school was that i didn’t sleep and it was making me mildly unbalanced and incredibly suicidal; not to mention the fact that i wasn’t really retaining any information or performing well. rest days are just as important as days when you study because rest IS productivity.  7. take your meds. see your psych or therapist if you have one. avail yourself of mental health services on campus if there are any. these genuinely saved my life at a time that i thought i was beyond saving. please go seek help if you can.  BONUS: MY STUDY SETUP ON A TERRIBLE MENTAL HEALTH DAY (like today) - i try to clear the space and clean up as much as possible. it makes me feel like i have things under control, and have my work things where i can see them. - i eat something healthy, like fruit, and get a lot of water. i keep a water jug on my desk because it clears my thoughts and helps me replenish the fluids lost from crying (1/2jk). it also really keeps up my strength for the study process. - i turn on a calming playlist, like a jazz or lofi or ghibli playlist. in another window, i turn on a rain sound video on a softer volume, and it helps center me. - it helps when you have a soft or calming scent to calm you down. i use a lavender room spray, and it makes me feel cozy and productive, but in undergrad, i used this tea-tree lavender mix and it smelled like sunny afternoons and guitar coffeshop playlists. it really is nice. - there are breathing exercises and gifs all over the internet. they help calm you down when things seem Too Much.  i really hope this helps, guys. don’t hesitate to message me if you’ve been having a hard time with school or life or anything. please, please care for yourselves. you can do it.  -- sam

[absentgoji]

Something people don't really talk about when describing their experiences with dissociative identity disorder is that the main problem about this is not 'having different personalities'.

Yes, knowing that your likes and preferences and even some traits of your personality are not stable 'as they should' can be frustrating and confusing, but, at least from my experience, i ended up realizing that feeling has to do with how others perceive me and how my disorder affects them.

I'm perfectly fine with having a part that loves Godzilla, a part who doesn't care about him but loves RuPaul's Drag Race, a part who would love to be a musician or one that wishes I had studied biology at college. I respect myself. I respect every part of me and I'm okay with their (my!) interests even if I dont feel like they're my own all the time. I know that i like Godzilla even if I don't relate to that now. Because I'm always me no matter the shade. I'm okay with that. I respect that.

But i have struggled with that in the past, because i was worried sick about others getting upset because i had lost interest in something they expected me to enjoy. I was afraid a friend would like to talk about how amazing last season of RPDR had been and me not being 'the me' they needed me to be. Or me having an opinion about a certain topic and then two days later have a different one, and argue with them about it. Me hating Nestea and my friends not understanding why I would buy one anyways because a part of me LOVES it. Me saying that my favorite color is green, then next day saying it's red and they saying "what? wasn't it green?". It made me feel super self conscious. But, if you think about it, that feeling had to do with how my disorder affects them.

As soon as i felt comfortable enough to tell my closest friends about it (i must admit I'm so lucky to have these friends, because they were so respectful and understanding even if they couldn't relate) i stopped caring about that.

I feel that we (us, this community, people with did/osdd who write about themselves), and even people who don't have did/osdd but think this is 'a super interesting disorder,' focus too much on how many parts there are, how they are, what their names are, when most of the time we don't even know ourselves! I feel it's quite common (and I've been there too) when you first discover that you have dissociative identity disorder to focus on every difference and try to describe 'your alters' the most accurate way you can. It's reassuring in a way, and it's also thrilling to finally start knowing yourself. I understand, I've done that and I think it's part of the process.

But we shouldn't stop there when educating others about this disorder.

The hardest part of my disorder is not 'being different people' (which is not even true, i will write another post about this). I'm okay with being like that! The hardest part of this disorder are all the bits that affect me, my daily life.

Forgetting about important stuff, dissociating, feeling lost during a conversation because you cannot remember any of the info the other person's addressing, not being able to keep up with your life and friendships because of switches or amnesia, forgetting your way home, your social relationships being a mess if a part of you doesn't like a person, skills you need that may come and go, having feelings you don't relate to, being extremely hard for you to focus because your thoughts are intertwined with another series of thoughts that don't feel yours and that may be about something completely different, gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia, conflictive parts that may be hard to deal with for a variety of reasons, and many other experiences that come from not having a unified sense of self (note: these are just some of my experiences, yours, or your way of describing them, might be different!)

I feel we should talk more about overcoming trauma, about how we deal with life despite the hardships of being a dissociative mess, about coping mechanisms that are actually useful... having different parts/shades/alters is just the tip of the iceberg, and focusing on that is not as useful as we might think, since the most common scenario is not actually knowing who you are, or at least not being 100% sure.

Before you were diagnosed, you didn't know about those parts. You didn't describe them as you do now and you didn't address them as different people, but you did suffer from all those other experiences, even if you didn't know why.

I feel we should talk more about the other side of this, the hard part. The part that has to do with us and not with how others may or may not perceive us. The part that's 'not that interesting'.

It's not flashy, it's not cool, it's not quirky, not creative nor fascinating. Just confusing. And talking about it could be way more helpful for everyone than just describing our alters/parts.

This was a long post! Thanks for reading and stuff, idk if you guys agree with me or not but i feel it would be useful for 'the community' to start addressing other experiences than 'being "multiple" ' (ugh, i hate using that word, it's not even true..!)

[thatmultifandomhoe]

BTS - Master List

No word count = under 1k.

    💞 = Fluff

    🌩 = Angst

    💋 = Smut

Updated as of 6-6-2021.

Click here to Return to the Main Master List.

Drabbles:

This is Girl Talk, so Leave 💞

Slice of Life AU

Do you think I’m scared of a woman? 💞

College AU

Slice of Life AU

Short Stories:

A Lifetime under Moonlit Nights 🌩 💞

5k

God AU

Overview: It was a love story that began when Gods roamed the Earth, and lasted over the course of several centuries, always under the beauty of a moonlit sky. When one life cut too short, you realize how tiresome it is to constantly be reborn.

Series:

Dad Jokes and Spilled Coffee 💞

Book 7 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Overview: TBW

Sneak Peak: “I knew I was handsome, but now I’m just hot. And it’s not because of the coffee that you spilled on me either.”

Drabbles:

Please...love me 🌩

Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween 💞

Safety First 🌩

Unrequited Love AU

College AU

Short Stories:

If you can’t sleep...we could have sex? 💞 💋

2k

Slice of Life AU

Overview: You can’t fall asleep. So Yoongi finds an alternative solution to your problem.

A Slice of Forever 💞 🌩

3k

Vampire AU

Poly AU

Featuring Namjoon

Overview: They were just stories. Werewolves, Witches, Gremlins, Vampires...they were all a story that thrived off of Halloween. At least, that’s what you thought. Until you met them.

Series:

Midnight Love Songs 💞 🌩 💋

Book 4 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Overview: TBW

Sneak Peak: “The stars are pretty, but there’s a moon that shines more brightly, and who I love quite dearly.”

Drabbles:

Tied Up 💞 💋

Date Night AU

Short Stories:

Man-Child 🌩

1k

Idol AU

Stop Being So Cute 💞

3k

Coffee Shop AU

Overview: Dating is never easy. So when your best friend sets you up on a blind date, you agree to meet up at a coffee shop. Only problem is, he never shows up, and a certain barista can’t help glancing your way.

Daydreaming About Dandelions 💞

3k

Daycare AU

Overview: For the time that they were in your classroom, they were your kids and nothing meant more to you than them. Being a teacher at a daycare was your life, and to your surprise, the new teacher Mr. Hoseok, was going to be shadowing you for the day.

Hookup on an Airplane 💋💞

7k

Traveling AU

Overview: You were finally achieving your dream of traveling the world, and the the first stop on your list was South Korea. After a stressful morning and with a long day ahead, all you wanted to do was sleep on the plane. But when your seat mate turns out to be cute, and offers to help you take care of a certain problem, well, the flight suddenly becomes more fun than you expected.

Series:

Strawberry Cream and BBQ 💞 💋 🌩

85k in total.

Book 1 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Completed

Overview: Your best friend knows that she can count on your for anything, so when she asks you to watch her hybrid while she’s gone for a study abroad trip, you can’t say no. But when these four months are over, things have changed in a way that no one expected.

Move in Day: A SC&BBQ Drabble 💞 4k

Drabbles:

Does he know about the baby? 💞

Slice of Life AU

Overview: Namjoon accidentally reads a text that wasn’t meant for him.

Short Stories:

My Everything 💞

2k

Slice of Life AU

Overview: You go to a family reunion that only results in disaster with how your family treats you, so you go back home to seek comfort in your boyfriend.

Yellow Gerber Daises 💞

1k

Slice of Life AU

Overview: It’s your birthday, but you’re the one who has a surprise for Namjoon.

Stop interrupting me 🌩

1k

Slice of Life AU

Dear Diary... 💞

1k

Soul Mate AU

College AU

Overview: The last thing Namjoon expected was to wake up in someone else’s bed, let alone with a stranger who he doesn’t remember in the slightest bit.

A Slice of Forever 💞 🌩

3k

Vampire AU

Poly AU

Featuring Yoongi

Overview: They were just stories. Werewolves, Witches, Gremlins, Vampires...they were all a story that thrived off of Halloween. At least, that’s what you thought. Until you met them.

Brotið Hjarta 🌩💞

25k

Fantasy AU

Elf AU

Norse Light Elf Mythology

Overview: When a magical storm threatens to wipe out your home, you venture into the forest in search of someone - anyone - who can help end it. When an Elf takes you in after getting injured, you learn that those who live in the forest are not the monsters your village town has made them out to be, but victims.

Series:

Knitting You a Home 🌩💞💋

Book 2 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

In-Progress

Overview: With questions far larger than either of you imagined, you can’t help but wonder if Namjoon’s let his past and old fears to come back and haunt him. You had shown him that it was possible to have a home and to be loved once before, but will you be able to do it again?

Drabbles:

I’m not going to be sympathetic until you see a Doctor 💞

Slice of Life AU

Welcome back. Now fucking help me💞

Slice of Life AU

Short Stories:

Dancing in Europe 💞

2k

Idol AU

Overview: You and Jimin have only recently started dating when he he whisks you of to Europe on his days off, and surprises you with a date to go see a ballet performance.

Mon Amour 💞

1k

College AU

Artist AU

Overview: You were Jimin’s muse. No matter what his materials were, his ideas, he always found you at the center of his latest art piece.

Memories of Old and New 💞

6k

Christmas AU

Established Relationship AU

Slice of Life AU

Overview: It the first Christmas that you’re celebrating with Jimin, but the magical holiday isn’t the same after the unexpected passing of your parents.

Type 2 💞 🌩

10k

Established Relationship AU

Slice of Life AU

Medical Condition

Overview: You were diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in high school and ever since then, you’re been able to manage it without a problem Sticking to a schedule and monitoring your blood was easy. Then came Jimin, and you suddenly you found yourself hiding it all from him. But when your blood sugar drops dangerously low in the middle of the night, Jimin’s the only one who can help you.

Series:

Snapshots of Our Story 💞

Sleep - Sleepless Nights - Pt 3?

Idol AU

Overview: With a once in a lifetime chance of hanging out with BTS for a week, you and Jimin unexpectedly end up growing feelings for each other. These are the snapshots as the two of you try to make it all work out.

Simply Baby Steps 💞 🌩 💋

Book 3 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Overview: TBW

Sneak Peak: “I don’t care if it’s just the two of us for the rest of our lives. I love you, and we’re going to figure this out, together. That’s what it means to have a Mate; supporting and being there for them when everything is going right, and being there when they’re hurting and loving them nonetheless. Because I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

Drabbles:

Tell me that you need me 💋

Vampire AU

I’m not buying IKEA furniture again 💞

Slice of Life AU

Short Stories:

Otherworldly Lovin’ 💋

6k

Alien AU

Overview: Not only did he crash land into your yard, but he also crashed right into your heart...among other places.

Series:

Knowing You 💞 🌩

Late Night Bus Rides - A Missed Stop

Idol AU

Unrequited Love AU

Completed

Overview: You and Taehyung were best friends, feelings grew, and even when he went off to become an Idol, you thought nothing would ever change your friendship. But then life came knocking.

Running Wild 🌩💞💋

Book 5 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Overview: TBW

Sneak Peak: “I’ve always been told that I was runner. So I ran. From everything that was possible to run away from. With you, for the first time all I want to do is stay.”

Drabbles:

I lost our baby 💞

Slice of Life AU

Overview: Jungkook looses more than a game of hide and seek.

The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids 💞

Overview: Jungkook has an unlikely helper when trying to impress you.

Short Stories:

The Coffee Lounge 💞

6k

College AU

Overview: Jungkook has had a crush on you since the semester started, and when he informs you about an essay that you knew nothing about and is due the next morning, he jumps at the chance to help you out with it. What he doesn’t realize, is that you share the same feelings for him.

Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass! 🌩

1k

Idol AU

Overview: All he wanted to do was surprise you, but when he arrives at your place, Jungkook realizes just how much work has interfered with his relationship with you.

One on One 💞

3k

Boxer AU

College AU

Overview: He was a boxer, and you were a student. Two separate lives and yet, you were the one putting him back together.

Consequences 💞 🌩

6k

College AU

Forbidden Love AU

Overview: You had dated one of his best friends - someone Jungkook considered to be an older brother - and even though were single and he never once stopped loving you, dating was an impossible option. The consequences of dating an ex of the leader? Life threatening.

Series:

Mistaken Identity 🌩 💋 💞

Book 6 in the Mated Love is Never Easy Universe

Hybrid AU

Overview: TBW

Sneak Peak: “I got sick of them calling me something that I’m not, that I pushed myself to prove to them who I really am. But without you, I’m right back where I started. Lost and incomplete.”

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Heads up we got an

Adult Hikikomori Sunny AU

I've been waiting to find an AU after the neutral end of the Hikikomori route for a while. What happened to Sunny? How did his life go on after that? Did he go to college? Did he get a fulltime job? Did he figure out what he wants in life?

these are all very good questions because literally anything could be the case. So this AU is just gonna be stuck in a hospital setting for a while.

Here's what I got so far:

Past:

Hospital Psychiatrist (practicing? Training?) Doctor Hero

I imagine after Basil's death, Hero would (eventually) turn to learning how to identify and help people with suicidal tendencies, if he's gonna be a doctor anyway.

In a choice between psychologist and psychiatrist, Hero went psychiatrist. Hero's parents would pressure him into getting a more lucrative job. PLUS psychiatrists go to college for 8 years, then take four more of psychiatry residency. Hero might feel just a little more accomplished, just a little better about himself for earning a higher degree, just to reassure himself that he's working hard and doing his best towards helping people.

Hero did extra studying in psychotherapy. He tried doing it at the same time as he did medical college. He's not.. the best at it because of that, for several reasons, but he knows it's better to combine medicine and conversation. When he has his head on straight, he can manage it.

I have.. no idea whether to put Hero into practice or residency. He'd have to be at least around.. 31, if he were in practice. That's a long time to have unresolved trauma. That's a nice hunk of research i gotta do.

That's it that's all for Hero. His goals are set in the present and focused around other people, as per usual.

Sunny is... not doing so well. He lied about going to college when he moved into some hole far away from his mother. He has no reason to get up in the morning when he can just lie around. He doesn't enjoy whatever hobbies he used to have.

He doesn't even know Basil is gone and he's so bad off.

He's honestly convinced himself that he doesn't care about anything. He still cares about people, however. He'd have stayed with his mom and burdened her with himself if he didn't. When they had moved from Faraway, it was to a cheaper, smaller place. That meant Sunny's mom didn't have to work so much. That meant more time with Sunny. He decided it was.. preferable not to stay.

The only times he does anything is when he tries to remember the past and relearn the person he used to be. What did he do? What did he like? He'd play games, and read comics, and would get frustrated? move on to something else when those did nothing for him, searching for.. some feeling to occur. And then he'd question why, why, why.

Why can't he enjoy anything? Why does he want to feel enjoyment? Why can't he just do something and be happy? Why can't he just do nothing and be fine? Why does he need to exist? Why does he want to move? Why does he want, but can never have, can never get by himself?

If there's nothing he can do, then what is he waiting for?

Vague memories would become clearer with introspection, until he would feel something, finally. An old guilt aching from deep inside his bones. A haunting self hatred, ripping away whatever minuscule strength his limbs had to try anything fun. A sense of iron resignation blanketing and anchoring his body, reminding him that it's much too late to try getting up now. Ironically, apathy got him up in the morning, as much as it keeps him from enjoying anything enough to stay up.

He was always a little too thin, but he used to force himself to do things like eat and work enough to survive. Mostly because to sleep means to not have headaches, and to not have headaches means to eat well enough, and to eat well enough means to have food, and to have food means to have money from a job.

But it's not as if he was all too desperate to sleep, anyway. His dreams have stayed the same for years. They're more eventful and colorful than bland reality, but it's a mix of the same thing every day. Staring at the swirling kaleidoscope of his dreams is exactly like observing the same beige ceiling for hours on end, until it all mixes together into the same shade of empty grey.

It probably doesn't help Sunny's mood that he thinks dramatic things like the previous point, just to pass time.

He only got worse once he was forced to move into one of those really bad apartments. You know the ones, with the rusted metal stairs nobody wants to risk their life on, and practically no privacy with four-to-five thin-walled neighboring rooms, and bad heating in one corner of the apartment. But it was cheap. Too bad he had to go up and down the stairs all the time.

He didn't have a problem with them when he just moved in. Generally, the most he notices is starting at the top, teleporting to the bottom, and a slight shaking of his hands that he barely glances at with empty curiosity.

As it is, some part of him knew this was going to happen. That he'd have one of those terribly introspective weeks, when he just so happens to have his new job with a boss ready to fire him and his sullen face and poor (somehow complete neutrality is offensive) attitude. He's emotionally vulnerable, and the memories on top of the stairs are devastating.

A week goes by. He's fired. He doesn't look for another job. He hasn't gone for groceries in a while. He's exhausted.

He was waiting for death, he guesses. He still wants, still feels that urge in the buzzing of his fingertips, the ghost of movement from his limbs, the phantom shiver in his back - the intent of every muscle in his body one after the other pleading with him to move, but never all at once - and Sunny laments that the human body is pretty stupid. Moving wont help. What would he do, make the end come quicker? He's already thrown away too many chances for that.

He'll stop wanting once he's gone. That's what happens when you get what you want, right?

His landlord finds him. He forgot the rent. He's taken to the hospital. Ugh.

Present:

Sunny is stunted and underweight. He wears baggy shirts stuffed into slightly less baggy hoodies, and sweats. Warmth. He couldn't find his hoodie after they took it off to put in an IV on his first trip to the hospital.

Usually nurses do things like bring food to patients, but Sunny only ever interacts with Hero and Hero wants to make sure Sunny is okay anyway. Not that it's much easier for Hero to encourage Sunny to eat.

Sunny stresses Hero the hell out. But Hero kinda missed Sunny, and his depressing and concerning reappearance brings with it a deadpan, world-weary, often childish humor that fails to take anything seriously when everything in Sunny's situation should be taken seriously. It's as much a relief as it is incredibly frustrating. Some days Hero loves it. Some days it makes him angry. Some days it makes him want to cry.

I tried doing research into the conduct Hero should display regarding patients/clients in general but it just. Any professionalism quickly devolves between him and Sunny.

As in, at one point, him and Sunny were whaling on each other about having no lives. Hero felt really bad afterwards; he had no idea what came over him. It was a great way for both of them to let out some hidden frustration, though, and they turned out fine afterwards. They even lowkey pick on each other every now and again.

Sometimes one or the other gets a bit too accurate in their teasing, however.

Psychiatrists are supposed to be able to understand, diagnose, and treat mental, emotional and behavioral disorders. So, if Hero were a completely capable psychiatrist, which he is, he wouldn't break down in front of his client. But Hero's late teenage years are wrought with so much grief and trauma, so to see Sunny and not just another client in this state is.. something i imagine he'd break down about eventually. There's also the fact that Sunny is mostly closed off to any help, which only makes things harder.

Hero is trying his best, but after years of never understanding why Mari died, years of thinking and wondering and second-guessing himself, years of guilt after never visiting Basil before he died, years of doing what he was told was "best" yet failing in what's most important to him (his friends) - his best never feels good enough around Sunny. It feels too little, too late. For this reason, and possibly because even if Hero were able to keep himself together he may just not be the right psychiatrist for Sunny, it would be better for him to find another psychiatrist for Sunny. He won't, though.

Hero really needs some time to himself to just think, or perhaps he needs someone else to talk to. Kel is nice, but Aubrey would have better experience handling emotions.

I have a very limited idea of what Aubrey and Kel are doing. Aubrey is a childcare instructor to parents and works in child services. She has studied child psychology. She has studied how childhood affects adulthood. Kel's off trying to make a name in basketball while giving kids high fives and heartfelt support.

Hero, in fact, does not like to be called Dr. Hero, but his shyness (feeling of unworthiness) about it only endears everyone to call him that more. He tells the kids that everyone calls him Hero, but the adults merely find out from the other doctors and nurses. Hero tried introducing himself as Henry to the other doctors, but Kel told them his nickname, and it stuck for obvious reasons.

Sometimes, on days when Hero has to wear his lab coat, he ties it around his neck like a cape. The kids like it, say it makes him look like a superHero.

Hero doesn't really cook. His schedule is always too busy to make anything that isn't quick. But he does eventually figure out that cooking for Sunny is the best way to entice him to eat, so when he makes something, he makes enough for both of them. They eat together.

Hero had to gather Sunny's change of clothes from his apartment when he found out that the reason Sunny has been in the same clothes for the last week is because he's had no one to visit him. Not even his mother. Why?

[everythingwasshiny]

So for a long time I had a lot of imposter syndrome feelings about my ADHD, mostly spurred partly by the fact that when I was diagnosed at 15 I hadn’t gone to the psychiatrist because of symptoms of ADHD, I went because my pediatrician felt I needed a little extra help managing my depression.

I was unmedicated from about 17 to recently at 33, and at some point in my early twenties I told my mom that I didn’t really feel like I had ADHD (at this point I had dropped out of college because I wasn’t keeping up well), and my mom agreed with me, feeling like I had “acted differently” at my appointment when I was 15, as if I was seeking a diagnosis that wasn’t even the reason I went to the psych in the first place.

When I was 26 or 27, my roommate at the time and I were talking and I mentioned that I had been diagnosed ADHD but felt it wasn’t accurate, she asked me why and then talked to me about some things that she noticed that could be symptoms of ADHD.

After that, I started doing the research that I didn’t as a teen/young adult and took a hard look at my behaviors and cross checked them against symptom lists. I finally *felt* like I had ADHD and my teenage psychiatrist wasn’t wrong. The problem, then, was not being able to afford treatment and also being hesitant to be on meds again because I was on adderall and concerta at the same time as a teen and hated how I felt.

It took hitting a very low point emotionally to get treated for depression again, and then another hard look at my behaviors — specifically in the realm of rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation and impulsivity — to talk to my new psych about my ADHD and about trying a non-stimulant treatment first.

I’m now on Wellbutrin off-label and will probably have to add straterra to boost the efficacy of the first, but I’m finally seeing improvement in some symptoms that I have been struggling through as long as I can remember. I finally don’t feel like an imposter.

All this to say if you get diagnosed with something and don’t really know why, ask questions. Try to understand why, and do some research to better grasp the concepts and what symptoms you might have. If your family members don’t understand, they don’t have to, you’re the one who needs to understand your disability — and by extension your self — better.

If I had just asked questions when I was younger, I would have found out that my inability to organize, my emotional issues, and my impulsivity were all tied to my diagnosis and I probably would have saved myself a LOT of suffering.

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

15 and 18? 💜

Thank you Sae 💜💜

15. When parts are working together in your life, what does that look like?

I'm not really sure, but I hope to find out!

18. What has your experience with therapy been like?

A lot lol. Only some of which i remember.

This might get long and possibly triggering so it's going below a cut.

So, yeah, this got really long with a litany of triggers so TW: emetophobia, xtrianity, rape, csa, victim blaming (most of these are briefly mentioned)

We saw a therapist for the first time when we were nine. Our parents had found out we'd been faking ill and forcing ourselves to vomit to get out of school bc of the bullying so we were taken to a therapist for awhile. I don't remember much, but I have mostly good vibes around this therapist. She played boggle with me and had me tear up phone books.

Around 12 or 13 i started seeing a therapist again for depression. And thus began the blur of therapists, xtrian "counselors", psychiatrists, and hospitalizations that occupied our teen years.

Most of those experiences were pretty bad. Because of our confusing mix of symptoms we got bounced around to different providers.

At 14, i started seeing a psychiatrist who i continued seeing until I was 19. She was lovely and warm and really tried to help me. Looking back, i think she may have suspected that a trauma disorder was the root problem, but, at the time, we denied any trauma. However, over the years, she kept coming back to the question of csa as she said all my symptoms lined up but we had no memory of it. I only stopped seeing her when she shut down her practice to start working inpatient.

While taking time off from college bc of mental health problems, i saw a new psychiatrist who then referred me to his colleague for a second opinion. The second psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder and treated me until I moved out of state.

While seeing him, i also saw one of the few therapists i actually liked. I don't remember much, mostly just good vibes.

Then I had a few years of not being in treatment. We went off all the meds we'd been on since we were 11 and didn't do any therapy.

Oh wait, we did see someone else after the good therapist. There was the fucking counselor at the school counseling center who told us that getting raped was "at least half [our] fault" when we went to her two days after getting raped. I think that was a major reason for not finding another therapist after moving back to school.

So, anyways, after a few years of being off meds, we were struggling and found a new psychiatrist who we continued seeing until the fiasco around leaving the Manor (at one point in that mess, a part told our psychiatrist that we had lied about everything and then stopped going)

While seeing that psychiatrist, we made a few attempts at therapy that didn't work out. One worked at the same place as the bitch who blamed me for getting raped. Another stopped taking insurance.

But there was one i saw for a few months and it was going pretty well, but then she brought up the possibility of DID and we bailed.

Finally, about 2 years ago, we started seeing a therapist for the first time since figuring out DID. She was great! Unfortunately, this was while we were living with our parents so therapy was mostly trying to manage the retraumatization and struggles of living there. But she was a huge support for me during that time.

Since moving back here, I've been out of therapy bc we couldn't afford it with our insurance. But now that we're gonna have waaay better insurance, I'm hoping to be able to start therapy again soon.

[dramaphan]

Fuck it I’m just gonna live react in bullet points until I get bored

•I know I’ve already read the intro but I’m reading it for real this time and it. It do be sounding like a vegan cyclists Instagram caption here and there. I keep waiting for him to tell me that despite all these bad things he’s talking about, he learned how to eat fruit and now he feels better. I gotta remember which oh my god as I was typing this I got an Adrian notification how did he know

•(absolutely horrifying please don’t search) Dan I guarantee the only people reading this book have already seen hello internet shut up

• “the pressure it put on my personal life was too big to handle” should I start an ‘I wish he would elaborate on that’ counter? Fuck it. 1

•I don’t know why I had convinced myself that this mf started therapy in like 2014 because it’s seeming like that didn’t happen until post tatinof. Interesting

•man does anyone remember that old picture that used to circulate with photos of like 20 youtubers and they all had a label like “bullied in school” or “abused as a child” or “eating disorder” and the whole point was to say “hey your faves are people who have been through some shit” but then you get to Dan’s and his was just “college dropout” as if that was the biggest issue he’d ever had. If only we’d known, eh

•man I really get some sort of icky feeling at that last line in the intro. “If laughing at my pain can make it easier for you, I’m happy to. I’m used to it” like I don’t know why that’s bothering me so much but I’m bothered.

• “I’m not an expert. I’m just a guy with a laptop and a story” yeah we know that’s why we’ve been giving you so much shit about making a book instead of a video 💀

• “it’s up to you to take what is contained in this text and apply it to you and your life” absolutely not gonna do that king

• “we can feel depressed or anxious without having serious diagnosable disorders” oh man you mean to tell me that sometimes things that are a symptom of something are also normal behaviours that don’t necessarily mean anything? Wild.

• “mental health problems aren’t some sort of badge of honour and suffering isn’t aspirational” go off king fuck anti recovery bitches

•I’m on page 36 and I’m starting to get bored already I’m really trying to push through this first section come on you can do it

•blah blah eleventh dimension blah blah brain lasers blah blah

•damn he really do mention menopause in this bitch

•”six million years ago when we were stressed apes” is doing something to me this is the first funny thing he’s said

•”primordial fish brain” alright fine he’s funny I guess

•I’m never not going to find it hilarious that he talks about nervous shits in the first few pages that’s genuinely the only thing that I’m ever gonna remember about this book

• “based on what I’ve seen from domesticated cats-“ what is this man even talking about

•there’s a whole chart about physical symptoms and what they mean and the footnotes are killing me this man really put a footnote in his self help book to make a joke that shitting yourself during a fight is a good distraction technique

• “use your brain. Please go see a doctor” okay maybe he does give good advice

•we’re talking about how finding a safe place during a panic attack can actually be bad and I’m feeling very called out. If I want to cry in the linen closet at work for ten minutes whats it to you

•”chaotic and argumentative holiday family dinner” you say? Please elaborate on that: 2

•Jess is going to hell for thinking about tits??? Dan this is a self help book not conversion therapy

•why is Dan making me imagine wasps that look like old people banging

•”if you recognize these symptoms in yourself, please question it” me, after being called out about ten times in one paragraph ❌👄❌

•”I always appreciated someone making a joke in poor taste at my expense” boy Dan you’d love it here at dramaphan dot com 💀

•okay I’m finally at the end of the intro section. Gonna stop for now. Review so far: it’s fine

[mytrashcanlife]

Ashes to Ashes Jasper X Reader Part 5

It took four days. Four day for the venom to take over. Four days of absolute anguish for the Cullen family. But when you did wake up, it was so much worse than they imagined. You didn’t panic at first. They weren’t expecting denial, or a sense of calm. You jolted awake and immediately sat up. You look around and notice that you are no longer in the kitchen where you remembered fainting. Rosalie is the first speak to you in your confusion.

“(y/n) you’re awake. Thank god, I’m so sorry this happened.”

“What? Rosalie it’s not your fault I fainted. I was probably just dehydrated. I forget to drink water sometimes. I’m sorry I scared you, but really I’m fine. How long was I out? A few minutes?”

“Four days.”

“What? No. If I was in a coma Carlisle would have taken me to the hospital.”

“Oh no.”

“Rosalie what’s wrong?”

“Carlisle!”

“Why are you calling him?” Carlisle and the rest of the family come upstairs to see you.

“She’s awake! Oh, thank god.”

“She doesn’t know.”

“What? What don’t I know?” Carlisle looks at you with guilt in his eyes.

“ (y/n) something happened.”

“Yeah I know I didn’t drink enough water I over-heated and I fainted. It happens all the time. You know this. Carlisle I’m fine just thirsty. See?”

You grab the water bottle you keep on your bedside table and try to drink it, but you move a little too fast and know over the lamp. “Sorry. I’m a little clumsy when I’ve been unconscious for a few minutes.” You take a sip of the water, but the second you try to swallow it you throw it right back up. Violently coughing on the liquid as it makes its way back up your throat. “Okay maybe I am a little sick. That’s weird.” Rosalie leans over to your desk and grabs a mirror.

“(y/n) I’m going to show you something, but I need you stay calm okay?”

“Rosie what is going on?”

She held up the mirror and you saw yourself, but it wasn’t you. Your skin was much paler than usual, and all signs of your usual acne were gone. You looked like you had died, but then you saw your eyes. Red eyes staring back at you instead of (e/c) ones, and you lost it. Your scream frightens even Emmet.

“CARLISLE!”

“Why does everyone always yell at me?”

“Carlisle my eyes are red! I look like a damn ghost, something is wrong! You’re a doctor fix me!”

“(y/n) I can’t fix this”

“WHY NOT?”

Jasper was behind the others in the doorway. He could feel the fear coming off of her in waves.

The others were obviously not prepared for this conversation. He thought about joining in, but Edward gave him a look and he decided to let the others try first. Edward decides to try calming her down.

“Okay (y/n) I need you to calm down. You want Carlisle to fix the problem right? To do that he has to diagnose it, so what are your symptoms?”

“I…I fainted in the kitchen and then apparently I slept for four days. I feel dehydrated and hungry, but I can’t even swallow water. And my eyes are red. And everything is so loud, and bright. This feels like a bad hangover, but worse.”

“Okay. Now tell me where have you heard those symptoms before? Red eyes, thirst, aversion to light…”

“Edward you aren’t making any sense. That sounds like a…” You look up at Carlisle wide eyed and trembling. You shake your head furiously “No…Don’t say it”

“Yes.”

“I’m a vampire? No! no that’s not possible. Vampires aren’t real. They’re horror stories you tell children, so they won’t sneak out after dark, they don’t exist.”

“They do. We are a family of them.”

“But nobody bit me.”

“You are correct nobody bit you, because we never had any intention of turning you, but you don’t actually need to be bitten you just have to get venom in your bloodstream, and it will take over from there.”

“So, if none of you bit me then how did I end up with venom in my blood?”

“You remember that necklace Jane gave you?”

“Yeah, I broke it. It was so fragile I didn’t realize, I cut my hand on it trying to pick it back up and that’s when…I fainted. NO. You can’t be telling me I turned because I cut my hand on glass that had Venom on it. You can’t!”

“I do believe that’s what happened yes.” You sat there in bed for a few moments in silence.

“I don’t believe you. I’m going for a walk.” You stand up to cross the room but you’re down the stairs before you can blink, with the rest of the family right behind you. “What was that?”

“That was a small demonstration of the speed you now possess.”

Jasper could feel the fear rise up again as the realization of what had happened finally hit you.

“So, you’re all vampires? That’s what you’ve been hiding from me? That’s what all this was about you didn’t want me to know?” Edward answers you

“Yes (y/n), you have to understand, we never wanted you to turn, and we aren’t allowed to tell humans about us unless we intend to turn them.”

“So, what you just thought I was never going to figure it out? You thought I’d grow old get a husband and some kids and never noticed my family wasn’t ageing?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what was the plan? If you weren’t going to turn me exactly how did you think I was never going to catch on?”

“You were going to college”

“So what? You think I wouldn’t visit?” You look around at Your family as they look down with guilty expressions on their faces. Your eyes widen once more in realization “I was never going to get to visit was I? You were planning to never see me again after I left. You were planning to abandon me?” Jasper was concerned now. In the past few months he’d seen you feel a lot of emotions, fear, joy, sadness, but not this. This was pure Rage.

Carlisle tries to defend himself.

“It’s not like that”

“Yes it is Carlisle. You were going to abandon me like everyone else does. Fine then, I’ll just go.”

Alice finally returning from her trip had picked a very bad moment to walk through the door.

“Guys I’m ba-oh my god, (y/n) what happened?”

“Don’t worry about it. I was just leaving.”

You ran. You ran into the woods, and climbed cliff sides as fast as you could. You knew they’d send somebody after you but at that moment you didn’t care. If they were just going to leave you then you might as well save them the trouble. Alice turned to Jasper in shock.

“I didn’t do it.”

Rosalie jumped to his defense for once.

“He didn’t. The Volturi did. Sneaky little bastards.”

“What happened? I was gone for a week and I come back to this? This was not the vision!”

“Yes, it was Alice. You just didn’t realize it.”

“Well someone has to go get her before she hurts someone!”

Carlisle spoke up “I’ll go get her. This is my fault anyway.”

Jasper had enough, “No I think you’ve done enough.”

While they were arguing they failed to realize that Emmet was already gone. He was barely behind you for miles.

“(y/n) please just stop for a minute and talk to me. It’s me. Emmet, Your big brother.” You stopped and turned around

“You lied to me. You were going to leave me.”

“No (y/n) we hadn’t thought this through. You remember how you came to us in the first place right? We got into this situation and put our own lives on the line to help you because we couldn’t just leave you. I know you’re starving, and you’re scared but please just come home.”

You were about to listen to him when a man walked by. It happened so fast you barely had time to register what you were doing before you draining the poor man. The hunger was too much, but once it subsided you were left cowering on the ground with the corpse of an innocent and your hands covered in blood. Emmet tried to pull you off of him, but you sent him flying backwards into a nearby tree. Carlisle Caught up to you and looked down at you in disappointment, and pity.

“(y/n) it’s okay.”

“NO THIS IS NOT OKAY!”

“Do you understand now? Do you understand what you are?”

“I’M A MONSTER”

“No. You are not a monster. You are new to this. It’s going to be okay. Please just come home we can help you.”

Emmet joins Carlisle and reaches his hand out to you. You reach to take it but hesitate and pull back. You look down and shake your head.

“I can’t-“

“You can. I did. We all did. Even jasper did. You wanna know why he acted like he did? It’s because he is new to our lifestyle. We don’t feed on humans we survive on animal blood alone. Jasper is new to that. You were a constant test for him. That is why he was so cold around you. He did it. So, can you.”

You look up at the mention of his name. You pause a moment to think.

“Okay.” You grab Emmet’s hand and the three of you rush back to the house.

The second you enter the house the whole family is staring at you. Rosalie and Alice help you clean up and get some new clothes on. Burning the bloodied ones in the process. You wait until midnight to go to Jasper’s room. You knock on the door

“Come in” shut the door behind you and lean against it.

“I need to talk to you. Somewhere the others can’t hear.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

The two of you leave through the window in his bedroom and run off into the forest. You follow him until he climbs up to the top of a tree in the center of the forest. He sits at the top leaning on one branch and you sit on another branch across from him.

“What do you need to talk about?”

“Carlisle said something when I ran off…He said that you were also new to their lifestyle and that the only reason you were cold to me was because you had to try really hard to not kill me.”

“That was part of it”

“If you were afraid to hurt me, why did you pick me up from that gas station?”

“Because you were scared, and I knew I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“How did you know that though?”

“Because I never wanted you to be one of us. You were bright, and happy. You embodied the opposite to everything we are.”

“But you didn’t have to turn me. You could have just killed me.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think I could if I wanted to.”

“But Carlisle said-“

“Carlisle is wrong. Why did you ask me all the way out here for this?”

“I didn’t. There’s something else I need to ask you.”

“Ask.”

“You never lied to me right?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. Don’t start now. How hard is it?” Jasper looks at you with a sadness in his eyes, while he thinks for a second about how to answer that. Finally, he leans forward and looks you In the eyes.

“It hurts like hell. It’s agonizing. You want human blood so much you’ll go through a hundred lions and it won’t be enough to satiate you. You’ll want to give up and run away, but don’t. Because once the withdrawals subside it gets easier. It gets better.”

“one more question.”

“shoot”

“Will I be okay?”

“Yes.” You lean over to his side of the treetop and he envelops you in his arms. You both stay there for a bit. Sometimes people just need a hug, at midnight.

“Okay. Let’s go home. And don’t tell anyone about this.”

“My lips are sealed.” You looked jasper in the eyes, those golden eyes, and smile. The two of you sneak back in through the same window and Jasper distracts the others while you sneak up to your room. You lay down, knowing you won’t be sleeping again, but as you look up at your ceiling you feel like everything is going to be alright.

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

[tinamaetales]

Fine, not fine

When the pandemic broke out in 2020, I was left with nothing to do. Our WFH arrangement during those times is not something I consider as a heavy workload so most of the time I just find myself alone with my own thoughts – which is one of the scariest scenarios for me. To kill time and distract myself from my own self-destructive thoughts, I decided to watch documentaries on Youtube but there really isn’t enough for me so despite not having a huge salary, I decided to subscribe to Netflix and from then on, I was able to watch a lot of movies, series and documentaries. I really wanna write a reflection on each of the stuff I’ve watched but I’m too lazy these days (and yet, here I am writing one).

As I mentioned, I watched a lot of stuff on Netflix but the last three that I’ve watched lately (before I start being invested with American Horror Story series), Angel’s Last Mission: Love, The Good Place, and Mystic Pop-up Bar tend to have a common theme – life, death, afterlife. I didn’t even do it on purpose; I was just really interested in the plot of their stories. What these 3 shows have in common is that they discuss about the morality and consequences and these days, I’m really interested in those topics. Lately, I’ve been questioning myself about what kind of person I am – am I good or bad? I also keep on having an internal debate with myself as to whether or not there is an afterlife and if there is, then where will I end up? Heaven or hell? Those questions are kinda giving me some headache these days but at least it’s a good distraction from my own self-destructive thoughts. Somehow, Philosophy seems interesting to me now (during my College years, I dreaded that subject but still managed to get a 1.25 final grade lol). Anyway, here are my thoughts about the shows:

Angel’s Last Mission: Love

Major lesson: Keep the faith

This kdrama has such a beautiful way of presenting its story that you will fall in love with it in just the first episode! (Also because Kim Myung Soo’s dimples are to die for, omg I’m so in love) Anyway, this drama’s plot is interesting: an angel who disobeyed the law (he’s not allowed to meddle with the lives of humans especially since he’s a guardian angel for animals) on his last day was given the most difficult mission – to make the fallen ballerina know what love is. As I am writing this, I can’t help but feel emotional because the show knows how to attack one’s heart. I will not be telling more of its plot for I might end up spoiling it so I’ll just provide my major take away from this kdrama. (This is one of those kdramas that I can watch again and again coz it’s beautiful)

I was raised in Catholic faith, which is really not a surprise for a Filipino like me since this country is heavily influenced by the Catholic Church, but ever since I’ve become an adult and finally opened my eyes and allow myself to stop living under the notorious gaslighting of people around me, I struggled with my faith in God. It’s really difficult living a traumatized life. In 2018, I seek for professional help and was diagnosed with Dysthymia and Social Anxiety Disorder. And despite therapy and medication, I have not yet healed and sometimes feel like my situation is getting worse. As such, I felt so alone in my struggles which became the reason why I relate to Yeon Seo’s character. People labeled her as a cold bitch and most of them are expecting her to just move on and heal without fully understanding where she is coming from. When Yeon Seo said “Do you know what it feels like to be left behind? It feels like I’m abandoned alone in an endless desert” it hit close to home. I know that one’s pain should not be an excuse for acting up and being mean but people should also understand that healing is different for all of us – we heal at our own pace at our own time. Pain can change a person – I know it fully well for I’ve become a completely different person because of all the pain I’ve been through. But what this show taught me is that God is a merciful God and He will not let us be drown into the abyss of darkness…..somehow, He will make a way to get us back on track and sometimes it’s in ways we never imagined it to be. Like how they sent angel Kim Dan into Yeon Seo’s life, God will also be sending us the answer to our prayers for He loves us and He is the only one who will never give up on us – even though we gave up on ourselves.

The Good Place

Major lesson: There is hope for humanity

I’ve been obsessed with sitcoms since 2019 (if I remember the year correctly) for they’re easy to watch and just fun but I never expected that a sitcom will make me become philosophical and somehow question my own morality: am I a good person?

For a show with only four seasons and fifty-three episodes, The Good Place sets the bar high for a sitcom.  It did not drag its plotline but is able to tell the entire story in a way that leaves the viewers satisfied with it. The Good Place is a story *SPOILER ALERT* that revolves around the afterlife lives of the four main characters: Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason who all end up in the “good place” because they earned enough points on Earth but there’s a catch, two of them are not actually meant to be in the good place. Eleanor and Jason both mistakenly went to the good place because they died at almost the same time as someone with the same name as them but the other two actually deserved to be in the good place. The dilemma started when Eleanor admitted the truth to Chidi, a Philosophy professor who specialized in Ethics for he is torn between helping them or snitching on them. But perhaps the biggest plot twist of all, *SERIOUSLY STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY MORE SPOILERS* they are not really in the good place. All four of them are in the Bad Place disguised as the good place and they were specifically chosen to torture each other, just like what Jean Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people” Now this gets interesting because while none of these four people have committed heinous crimes which can then make them deserving of a spot in the bad place, the actions they’ve done during their lifetime on earth has bearing. At first I find it surprising how Chidi and Tahani end up in the bad place considering that Chidi spent his life in the pursuit of goodness and Tahani is a philanthropist who raised millions of dollars for charities. But then, as the show progressed, I understood. Chidi’s vast knowledge of morality made him become an indecisive person which led towards the suffering of others. Chidi made other people suffer because he finds it difficult to make a choice. On Tahani’s part, she raised millions of dollars to help improve the lives of others but such is a self-serving interest – she did not do those things because she wanted to help but because she wants to make herself look good. On Eleanor’s part, while she did not commit serious crimes, she was a big ass jerk towards others during her time on earth. With Jason, although he is kind, his actions often lead to disasters and although unintentional, harm towards others. With these in mind, I guess it’s safe to say that humans are doomed for the things we do are most of the time self-serving. It’s hard to make it to the Good Place because in one way or another, we do some things that affect others in a negative way. But what this show also taught me is that while it’s true that hell is other people……humans have a chance to improve and be better when given the proper environment as well as when they help each other out. Just like what Michael said “The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don’t?”

At first, this show kind of made me realized that I’ve been a bad person….that most of the decisions I’ve made in life are self-serving….I only do things that benefit me and I could not care less about other people but my biggest realization here is that, I acted this way because my unhealed pain and trauma is manifesting itself. I have been hurt way too much that it made me become a bad person and end up with the mantra that life is shitty anyway so why try to be good? And because of that, I felt bad. Now, I try my best to do good things, not because I want to feel good for myself but because it’s the right thing to do. I have come to the realization that just because I was hurt does not mean I have the right to inflict pain on others. I know that morality is not something that can easily be answered since it’s such a complex thing and humans are flawed but as what Michael said (he has a lot of great lines from the show, I can’t help but to keep on quoting him) “What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is, if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s my answer.” Please, please, please watch The Good Place! I guess it’s one of the best, if not the best, sitcoms ever.

Mystic Pop-up Bar

Major lesson: Grudges are the heaviest to carry/ the art of letting go

One word to describe this k-drama? HEARTWARMING. With only 12 episodes, this k-drama was able to provide me comfort and healing. I did not actually expect much from this as I only watched it because of Yook Sungjae but what I failed to realize is that this kdrama’s approach to storytelling will be heartwarming. The plot is pretty simple for a fantasy drama: a woman, Weol-ju, runs a pop-up bar in order to fulfill her mission of settling the grudges of 100,000 people but as the years went by, it became difficult for her to have people to open up. When people fail to open up about the grudges they are holding, then it will be difficult for her to help them in solving their problems. And since it is taking her way too long to finish her mission, she was given an ultimatum of having to finish her mission within a month – good thing is she found two people to help her with the case: the afterlife police agent Gwi and the human with special ability of making people open up to him just by having a slight physical contact with them, Kang Bae. I love the way these three main characters complemented each other and I sometimes wish that I was given the chance to be a customer at the Mystic Pop-up Bar not just to have them help me solve my grudges but because sometimes, all we need is people who will listen to us.

As mentioned, Weol-ju’s mission is to help people settle the grudges they are carrying and she makes it happen by having people go inside her pop-up bar, let them tell their stories to her and then she will eventually offer them a special drink (which she disguises as an alcohol) that will make them fall asleep so she can enter the dream world and do her work in settling the grudge. While watching this drama, I can’t help but wonder: why do people drink when they have problems? For someone who never drinks and is not interested in drinking, I’ve always been curious of it. They said that alcohol tastes bitter, so I don’t understand why it seems to be helping people in dealing with their problems? Some say that by drinking, it helps them escape their reality for a while. I did some research about this topic and according to Origins Recovery, alcohol contains anxiolytic properties which means that it helps in inhibiting stress or anxiety. As for the bitterness, I heard from someone that as time passes by, the bitterness become sweet unlike life itself in which as time passes by, it becomes more overwhelming. I guess drinking really helps people to take a pause from the absurdity of life despite its bitterness as well as the headache that follows after drinking. Moreover, who am I to judge people who rely on drinking when their life becomes a mess when I also have my own ways, sometimes self-destructive, of finding an escape from this horrible world that we live in? After all, when life gets too tough, we all just want an escape – even though it’s temporary.

With every episode, Weol-ju and her squad helped people settle their grudges and each time they do, it makes me feel emotional. This show makes me realized that all of us are carrying grudges we don’t talk about and when we do not have the avenue to vent it out, then it eats us up alive. All of us are no stranger to struggles, but it is important to be strong and courageous. We can choose to struggle alone but asking for help does not mean you are weak.

Let me end this blogpost by putting my favorite line from Weol-ju: “No matter what’s making you suffer right now, things will settle and pass eventually. Hang in there until then, and you’ll find yourself stronger”

x,

TinaMae