#family boundaries

[unwelcome-ozian]

[sarcasticdarkness]

Sometimes, moving forward means letting go—even when the past won’t let go of you. It’s never easy, but it’s necessary for your peace.

[waitmyturtles]

TL;DR: My analysis of the quiet tone of the Cherry Magic movie -- the overarching theme of the movie was the development of family between Adachi and Kurosawa. 

Well, I’ve turned this space temporarily into a Cherry Magic hovel, a kind of messy sanctuary, really, maybe a cave full of hoarded passing thoughts, rising and cresting emotions, lots of SIIIIGGGHHS, at least two and a half re-watches of the movie, many reblogs, plummeting away my phone battery on consuming more and more gifsets. I regret not being here on Tumblr for the original series, but I feel like I’m more than making up for it by doing all I can to contribute to the dialogue around the movie, which I want to continue doing, meta-style!

Two things have cropped up in my reads of reviews here and on Twitter, one about the tone of the movie, and the other about the pace of growth between Adachi and Kurosawa. I think the first point goes into the second, so here we go:

I’ve seen a lot of comments about how the movie was quieter than the series. I reblogged a quick statement on quiet Japanese BLs earlier this weekend, and I also learned a bit about what the OG CM fandom hoped for with the original series way back when, when there were rumors of a real kiss for the final episode, and how the fandom was slightly let down. 

I think there’s an interesting dichotomy between heat and quiet in the kind of Japanese BLs I tend towards. If you read this space, y’all know my top three -- CM, Kinou Nani Tabeta, and Old Fashion Cupcake -- generally trend toward the quiet, with the slight exception of OFC, which turns up the heat in a panicked moment of revelation.

As I thought about this point, I asked myself -- why the draw towards quiet development and/or contemplation?

For me, all three of these dramas, especially KNT, center on family -- actively creating family, dealing with existing family, and/or managing expectations of creating a future family. 

If you’re Asian, as I am, the thinking on and managing of family issues is, in my opinion, the dominant issue that you spend the majority of your life dealing with. That’s not to say that in Western lifetimes, less time is spent on family issues. What I mean to say is that family issues, I would argue, take up more of your brain space and your sense of morality and ethical engagement in humanity if you’re an Asian, as opposed to the manifest destiny of the West. When I was right out of college, for instance, and rolling with a majority white hipster crew at that moment, my friends would comment on how I’d visit my family’s house once a month. That was tooooo much for them. And they’d legit tell me -- you care too much about your family, you need to separate yourself from them.

These are surface-scratching statements, and if you’re Asian, I know you’ll immediately guffaw at how ridiculous and impossible it would be to even BEGIN contemplating how to “separate yourself” from your family. It’s taken me a LOT of my old lady years to even come to grips with the fact that I needed to live an independent life away from the expectations of my family. And for hundreds of millions of people in our Asian cultures, those Western notions of “separation” and “independence” simply don’t exist. You can cohabitate, be co-dependent on, be enabled by your family, and that is just fine. Family is the structure that gives meaning to the lives of many Asians, without question. 

So to say that the movie tends towards the quiet, I think, possibly bypasses what I think is a major point that the movie is trying to make, both in a cultural arc and in the actual storyline: We are seeing Adachi and Kurosawa making a family together, THEIR family together. 

IMHO, the king of family-oriented BLs was KNT. Both Yoshinaga Fumi, the mangaka behind KNT, and Adachi Naoko, KNT’s screenwriter, deliberately gilded the KNT script with the tadaima and okaeri greetings that you hear when someone comes home at the end of the day. That set-up was meant to indicate that Shiro-san and Kenji considered themselves family to each other -- because, you might be saying tadaima to your parents when you’re a child, or your spouse as an adult. 

The clues to Adachi’s thinking about family are apparent. There’s the moment where he gives advice to his chief about the chief’s complaining wife. There’s the moment in the office when Rokakku and Fujisaki are talking about their lives, the very moment in their lives where they are single but happy at work and with friends. There’s the moment when Adachi picks up the mail and sees his name and Kurosawa’s name, while coming home. 

And of course, the gorgeous moment in the kitchen when Adachi states his desire for a public and permanently committed relationship with Kurosawa. 

Adachi is creating his new family in that moment. 

I want to tie this together with a comment I read on Twitter about how Adachi’s personal growth matched Kurosawa breaking down his walls of perfection, and how he originally projected his perfectionist nature on their relationship. We remember in the series Kurosawa being ULTRA cute in the office after Adachi’s original confession, saying he was going to create the best first date ever; and then all the practice dates they had; and all the planning that went into the Christmas date. 

Those walls began breaking down a little bit in the last episode of the series, and we saw that even more as the movie began, when we realized that they had not, indeed, bonked, as we thought they had, on Christmas Eve. When Adachi’s hunger interrupted their potential love sesh, Kurosawa was like, WEEEEELLLL, through gritted teeth -- I’ll still be patient for Adachi. 

That’s life. But as I originally wrote in my first review of the movie, what I didn’t expect to see in the film was that the movie would be utterly dominated by Adachi’s internal growth INTO the relationship, and how that ultimately steadied Kurosawa to be okay to be weak in front of Adachi, and in his own (Kurosawa’s) life. We know this is a HUGE DEAL, a HUUUUGE DEAL for Kurosawa. He mentions it in the essay he writes for Adachi’s family. He states it as a major point of being devoted to Adachi to his (Kurosawa’s) mother. Breaking down his walls is a major life moment for Kurosawa -- and it would not have happened without Adachi becoming his family.

Because -- family, often, is about rejiggering and redefining one’s boundaries, and creating new ones with the people you’ve chosen. If you’ve chosen well, and right, like our boys did, then your partner gives you the strength to do this major lifting.

AND: where else do we see these boundaries being rejiggered, besides between Adachi and Kurosawa themselves?

We see them in the family scenes. I think that the movie devoted a LOT of time to the family scenes says a lot about what I said earlier about Asian cultures.

I swear to jebus that I nearly had multiple heart attacks during the family scenes. Besides Kurosawa’s mom’s very apparent sadness and confusion, Adachi’s mom had me at moments, even though she outed herself as a fujoshi, basically, lol, when Kurosawa showed up. Why the heart attacks?

These confronting kinds of conversations to family about things like marriage -- I mean, I don’t know if I have the words to describe HOW MOTHERFUCKING HUGE THESE CONVERSATIONS CAN BE FOR MANY ASIANS. Like -- these conversations can be the culmination of a lifetime. They can destroy you. Y’all, if I wrote about what happened to me when my family learned I was dating my husband (in a cishetero relationship, peeps! Interracial and interfaith, yes, but otherwise, not really rocking the boat here!), I probably wouldn’t finish writing without breaking down in tears for an hour. It was horrible. My family couldn’t handle the growth, simply put. 

This Asian family dynamic that an individual’s original nuclear family unit carries SO MUCH WEIGHT IN THEIR APPROVAL OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO -- I emphasize here that this theme was major in the movie. The movie NEEDED to spend time on this in order to achieve Adachi’s dream of permanence with Kurosawa. Adachi NEEDED to tell Kurosawa that he (Adachi) would be present in front of Kurosawa’s parents -- because Adachi KNEW that Kurosawa would NEED Adachi there, because of how BIG that BIG CONVERSATION would be. I’m talking BIG, here, BIG. And I believe that the movie’s OG Japanese audience understands this very implicitly and very, very deeply.

Adachi NEEDED to grow into himself -- he needed to lose his magic, his crutch -- and needed to FIND himself to be the strength and pillar that Kurosawa would need to face his family. I want to take this point, make it into a Cherry Magic teddy bear, brand it with Gelato Pique, and place it on a mantle. 

In order to face their families, our guys needed to become family. And that’s why I think the movie tended towards the quiet -- because THAT kind of growth takes a lot of internal work that comes out in the quiet moments of intimacy with the people you’ve chosen and you love. 

[contessaortiz]

Source: Lisa Maclean

[tallymali]

genuinely what is the reason for the internet becoming so prudish?? who can i fight about this

[thepeacefulgarden]

[teatoohottohandle]

Grief, healing

Earlier today, I got dinner with my cousin and my brother. As we're catching up, we talk about our gay uncles who are living their best lives. My cousin says, "At least one of them is happy," referring to our aunts and uncles. To which I respond, "I think our mom is happy too."

My brother releases a snide comment, "Well she would be if she could get the family together."

My cousin attempts to diffuse this situation by stating, "Well first things first, she's gotta get her siblings together."

It's a snide comment because this is the second year I've gone without talking to Lisa, who is my biological sister. And in actuality, I have another sister who also doesn't speak to Lisa, which I personally feels like says more about Lisa than it does the rest of the family.

I didn't know what to say to his snide comment or to my cousin's quick diffusion but as I was showering after dinner, I decided to practice saying things:

Let me ask you this, what do you think the actual problem is -- that her children don't talk to each other or that her children have hurt each other and don't apologize or acknowledge their harmful actions?

What makes you say that?

You saying that makes me feel a little attacked and makes me feel like you're insinuating I'm the problem. Could you explain what you mean?

What do you think would help this family heal?

I got the last question from my partner who asked me this last week -- what would I like for Lisa to do to feel like we could have an amicable relationship?

I told my partner that I wasn't sure. A formal, sincere, authentic apology would be one... Therapy. Family therapy. And the understanding that conversations are only going to be limited to small talk like the weather. Because Lisa demonstrates high / extreme narcissistic patterns...

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

[xxswagcorexx]

regarding whitepine, i feel like it's really important to note that whitepine most likely exists in the victorian or the edwardian era since it is a historical timepiece

the reason why i think this is important is that social class, wealth, and most importantly, etiquette were extremely important during that period, and a result, many people were masking an outward appearance, and as a result, went "crazy" in the home because that was the only place they could be themselves (ex: you can see it in the trope of the crazy victorian wife)

and considering hierarchy seems to be a huge topic in whitepine (ex: clown saying the servants must be in uniform at all times and under no circumstances mix up washing clothes with the washboards and the machines and ivory constantly asking permission from her superiors), as well as background information like the emberton wire revealing that women don't have to right to vote yet and worker's rights are on the fucking floor, i think it's very fair to expect there to be a lot of exploration of class in the upcoming episodes--especially since it seems like we have a "something is wrong in the house" theme as well as ivory's name constantly being wrong is a really good metaphor for deadnaming

[dukeofthomas]

I hate the insistence in pushing Jason into the batfamily.

If he doesn't wanna go to dinner, he doesn't have to. If he doesn't wanna hang out with them, he doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't have to. If he doesn't even want to contact them, he doesn't have to.

It's so annoying to read fic and always see it presented as his Family Knows Better. Jason is just being silly by not realizing how much they love him and he just needs to let them break into his home and comms and life because they want him there.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[royalarchivist]

Cellbit: Yeah, [Bobby is] our son.

Roier: What?

Cellbit: He's our son, no? Or not? Am I not?

Roier: I mean… he's already dead. [...] By the time we got married, he was no longer around. So in theory, in theory-

Cellbit: But in my heart, he is my son.

Roier: Oh, that's fine, in your heart, yes. In your heart, yes. But actually-

Cellbit: He could have been my son, he could have been.

Roier: But actually, he is my son and Jaiden’s.

Cellbit: Yes yes, definitely, of course.

Roier: [Smacks him] Exactly. Well, you're the step-father, you know?

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

Cellbit: Hey Tina, have you met Bobby? I don't think you did, right?

Tina: I met him a little bit earlier, he's so cute!

Roier: Aww

Tina: I told him I like StarBobby.

Cellbit: Yeah, it's our son.

Roier: What? But-

Cellbit: He's our son, no? Or not? Am I not?

Roier: I mean... he's already dead.

Cellbit: That's true, that's true.

Roier: By the time we got married, he was no longer around.

Cellbit: That's true, true.

Roier: So in theory, in theory-

Cellbit: But in my heart, he is my son.

Roier: Oh, that's fine, in your heart, yes. In your heart, yes. But actually-

Bagi: Am I the auntie?

Cellbit: He could have been my son, he could have been.

Roier: But actually, he is my son and Jaiden’s.

Cellbit: Yes yes, definitely, of course.

Roier: [Smacks him] Exactly. Well, you're the step-father, you know?

Bagi: So I don't think I'm your auntie, sorry. Unless you want to!

Cellbit: Yes, fake dad, fake dad. Fake father.

Roier: But it's ok. It's ok.

Cellbit: It's ok, it's ok.

Roier: It's this dumbass' fault he died anyways.

[jamethinks]

Yor has always been sensitive to touch. She’s not a big fan of hand holding or random hugs, she really enjoyed her personal space. The only people who could regularly break that barrier are Anya, Yuri and Bond. But recently, Twilight has noticed a change in her. She grabs his hand more often, not in a panic just casual. She wipes his face or ruffles his hair. When they sit next to each other she would sometimes put her hand on his thigh while reaching for the remote.

It was all small touches. Harmless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things. But Twilight couldn’t help but wonder what had changed the she went form locking her hands behind back to swinging them casually, unaffected by the occasional brushes.

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[thepeacefulgarden]