#i keep trying to run from the bpd thing so hard like its been a long cycle of that and me scrambling for other answers but

[vacant2007]

[oddballcobblebot]

GOTHAM NYGMOBBLEPOT HEADCANONS!! ☂️❔

hiii !!!!! i luvv telling people my headcanons so here are some of mine!!

☂️ STARTING WITH OSWALD!! 🐧

he's autistic and has bpd!!

he struggles with textures related to his suits so he tries to get them all in a favorable texture, he loves silk and satin, cant stand velvet

left handed

he struggles with impulsive suicidal/self harm ideation due to bpd, when triggered by things he can spiral easily and become overwhelmed which causes the impulsive ideation

he likes most foods but finds some absolutely unbearable and refuses to eat them.

he has anger issues from his autism!! he gets overwhelmed which turns into rage (like me)

he lovess food, he loves trying food and is willing to eat anything ed makes about 98% of the time

if his clothes feel too restricting he will wear ed's because theyre bigger on him, but only around the house, never anywhere else

he's always been chubby even from childhood!! and was fat moreso season 5 and onward, especially after finale!

he struggles with gender identity but chooses not to label himself much, but if it were put into a term, mainly genderfluid. he uses both she/her and he/him interchangeably. lesbian freak. she is also uniromantic and is only in love with ed!!!

he has a very low self esteem and has a hard time looking in mirrors sometimes, especially after hurting his eye

he gets headaches very often but they aren't very debilitating. they are usually triggered by potent scents and lights

(secret headcanon i have he has POTS shhh)

he sometimes smokes weed when the pain in his leg is too much to handle and pain medication isn't helping

he wont ever say it, but he loves being cared for

❔ EDWARD NYGMA TIME!!! 🦉

he has npd, autism, and osdd!! he is a narc but not in the eww narcissists way, in the actual personality disorder way!!

severe sensory issues, especially towards lights and textures

hates the texture of grass

right handed

needs a near constant stream of npd supply, even if its in small ways like praising his riddles, ideas, calling him smart, etc

oswald listening to him intently is like a form of supply for him, feeling listened to is like supply

he uses she/her and he/him interchangeably like oswald, and discovered her gender identity in arkham (the last time she went for a decade...sad face), transgender lesbian!!

very very selective and picky with foods

loves to take care of oswald and cook, cooking makes it easier to cater to both of their texture needs, but they do occasionally eat out

loves infodumping to oswald about riddles and whatever is interesting him

nerm swana (turkish + arab specifically) !!

if oswald is smoking for leg pain u best bet ed is joining in!!!!!

loves to listen to oswald talk alot

he loves loves loves cats and pets the strays around gotham

he didnt ACTUALLY hate that oswald named his dog after him and found it quite endearing

🐧☂️ TOGETHER!!!!!1! NYGMARBLEPOT ❔🦉

they both love having meals together and talking about future endeavors

oswald runs the iceberg lounge after the finale, edward is also a co owner

they spend a lot of time together

oswald sleeps on the left side of the bed, edward on the right

edward helps oswald a lot when hes having problems with anger, he tries to be more logical rather than just trying to tell him to "calm down." trying to give him a solution and talking it through helps oswald more

oswald keeps candles and dim lights around the manor to help with ed's sensory problems related to lights, as well as to prevent headaches for himself too

edward helps oswald with his leg a lot, like reminding him to take medications or use his cane when needed. he is always there to remind oswald its okay to need help with things time to time

they both love listening to eachother

oswald likes drinking more than ed does, he loves gin and tonic, frozen margaritas, and martinis. ed prefers not to drink, but doesnt mind a martini either. ed doesnt drink on his own, only with oswald really

oswald became an occaisonal smoker after blackgate, using it to calm any anxiety he gets. ed doesnt like it that much and hates the smell, but he bears with it for oswalds sake. doesnt mean he doesnt try to get him to stop, though

edward loves oswalds size and constantly compliments him, he loves oswald no matter what weight he is and never comments on his body negatively ever

they both have tons of bodily scars

they are both very physically affectionate with eachother but dont really like being touched by other people at all, both are very touch avoidant when it comes to anyone but eachother

both use fem terms on eachother and refer to eachother with she/her a lot!! they both love being fem in private

ed's special interest is riddles and oswald's is penguins!!! eds always loved riddles and puzzles, while oswald learned more about them after the title was bestowed upon him. he also loves sharks!!!

THEY R IN LOVE!!!!! !!!!

thats all. bye bye!!

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[breathenbounce]

Life block

I am truly sorry I didn't get this done on Wednesday. I have been so good about writing these things on Wednesday, but this week has been a tough one. First I didn't even know what I wanted to write about. What great wisdom could I impart on the small amount of people who read this. Then I realized it's not just writer's block I was suffering from, I was in the middle of a life block as well.

Last week somehow I really hurt my hip. So I have taken a week off from doing my usual routine of fitness which included the yoga and I felt like absolute dog shit. In fact this week has brought up so much shit for me, it has been just difficult going through day to day stuff.

I find myself laying on the couch most of the time, watching FB reels, seeing pictures of my family on my phone randomly come up, just feeling totally miserable. You see, BPD sucks. Sometimes you lose your identity, and then you feel like crap. I have been so depressed since 2015 and it has brought some real havoc into my life. One of the worst parts of my depression is it manifests as anger. I also am so afraid of losing people in my life, I don't always tell them how I feel and what they really truly mean to me. I feel like when I do, they run away, and I have seen that happen recently with some people. So I find myself uncomfortable to live in my own skin.

Taking this break has helped me feel better physically buy mentally it has done a number on me. However, I think there's other things going on. I vomited all over my therapist yesterday with all my depressive stuff and then I drove home hoping to feel better. I didn't. I just drove home in silence with the music off. When I got to Algonquin Rd, I did a shuffle with my music, couldn't find one song I wanted to listen to. Truth is I brought much of this shit on myself. However its because I didn't know how to survive with all these mental health conditions I have. I've lashed out, been defensive, blamed others, etc, etc. I have truly been working hard to reinvent and grow, but I don't feel like I am growing.

People tell me I am, however people important to me refuse to talk to me. I started medication in hopes it would help my depression. Lately, it hasn't. I feel weird when I get around people lately. Like I would rather be anywhere else. I went to a slow yoga class yesterday where we did little movement and it was more like meditation. Every time I go somewhere, I feel like people don't like me and think I am weird. I don't want to talk about it because people will then accuse me of trying to get sympathy, or some other bullshit like that.

Usually here on GC and BNB, I try to be positive. Mainly because I want to help others. I hate to see people feel this way that I'm feeling. Lately I feel like I am not helping anyone, most importantly myself. I got certified to teach yoga and no one wants me to teach. People say they want me to but when I show initiative to want to, I'm shut out. I am trying to put together experiences and having difficulty finding places, but then I say to myself, will people actually come? No one cares about the show.

Then my logical mind or wise mind has to come into play and say that it takes time to build a brand. Then I have to ask myself am I doing the best I truly can? Is my depression stonewalling me from reaching a higher level? I think about so many of the sins I have committed in the past and it makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve anything. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe BNB won't help anyone. Maybe I’m just too much for people and I just have to accept that that I’m not anyone’s cup of tea and people just say things to be nice to me and they don’t really mean them.

Yes, I am in a funk, and I hope I can find a way out of it soon. I feel like the hole gets deeper and deeper that I have to crawl out of day by day. However, I still keep crawling out just to fall back in.

I guess I'll keep fighting. I don't know what else to do. Keep fighting too.

Love,

Michael

[alyaandthebrain]

Love in the brain of me

so this is my first post. I haven't really written anything in awhile, especially not something about me.

I want to vent about love when dealing with BPD. I feel like I have no one to talk about it with. I experience love in such an extreme way. my mood changes depending on if this person is responding. (I'm gonna call the person I currently like 'M') M struggles with depression so can sometimes be distant and its like my brain takes that as a personal attack. my brain immediately spirals into a 'he hates me' direction or that he found someone better than me. every second he doesn't respond another thought of how he's with someone or is playing me enters my mind. I think these insane things like how if he's with another girl id light his car on fire or dumb shit like that. rationally I know I can't do that and if he hurts me then he hurts me but god I will do anything and everything in my power to stop it and keep him. I think of him literally every second but not in a cute way. in an I'm obsessed and am getting more and more possessive by the day. I don't know how to stop it or like him in a normal way. I've cried because he hasn't responded and my brain has decided he will never speak to me again when in reality he's just relaxing after work. I read so far into every single message and reread them all the time. I cannot accept what's on the surface there has to be more there has to be some betrayal; at the same time thought my delusions run the show. my brain creates these hyper realistic daydreams about us and I just want it. I want to be trusting and kind and patient but god my fuse is so short. I really have tried to hide my insanity from him but god I feel like I'm holding my breath underwater. I feel so insecure all the time because we don't have a label and I just know he's talking to other girls and it just isn't fair. it isn't right that they get to talk to him. fuck it sends me into a rage everytime I think about another girl kissing him or talking to him or being called pretty by him. I literally threw up the other day thinking about another girl getting to touch him. I feel like if I'm this bad now I shouldn't enter any form of relationship but at the same time I don't want to live my life with this form of fear. I haven't seen him irl in two weeks bc of his depression making him peopled out and while I believe him I also don't. my brain immediately goes to he's lying he's lying he's lying. It thinks he's using this time to see other girls and that he can see how far off my hinges I am and won't tell me. he says he misses me a lot and does cute things but its so hard to believe that someone could possibly like me for being me. I feel so fucking annoying and clingy for telling him I miss him so much but id die for him. id do anything for him all he has to do is ask. it feels like my world is fucking falling apart when he's busy and like the apocalypse is around the corner when he doesn't compliment me. I also hate mirroring because my mirror seems to be zoomed in. if he's sad about something I'm devastated about it; if he's happy I'm over the fucking moon. I feel his emotions to an extreme. it kind of reminds me of that scene in midsommer where they cry with dani. god writing this out feels good but so shameful. I know how I think is unhealthy and I need to watch my behaviours. I have been doing well actually. I haven't freaked the fuck out on this one yet! I've remained patient and calm. at least in front of him I am. I have a journal filled with raging thoughts that I plan to burn. I also have had FaceTime calls with friends last entire nights of me freaking out and them trying to help me. I sometimes feel like I cannot live without feeling love. I think that's why I'm so willing to risk getting hurt again but I don't have a choice. my brain makes the choices but it doesn't consult me or anyone first. it just picks someone and says this person is now your person and you will feel such strong love and adoration for them until you don't. until you only feel hatred and spite and vengeful towards them or you feel nothing at all towards them. it feels good to write this all out.

[ablednt]

The Oof Side of having RSD

Long post I know but this stuff is important cause sometimes being ND and mentally ill cam be ugly and hard too and that needs to be talked about too.

Most of this I think is more prevalent in people who don't know they're ND so if anyone is relating to this even if NT then you're fully encouraged to reblog

Fixating on individual people as the Valid Person in your life. They are the Authority. You Have to please THIS one person at any time. You probably won't realize that you're idolizing them cause normally it's a friend or mutual so you think oh it's just that they're so much cooler than me. You start to try and find excuses to talk to them more because you Just. Need to talk to them (about anything! You just need to be in their presence!) for reasons you don't really understand yourself. This causes you to become hyperaware of their behavior and words so you can fine tune yourself to fit this persons standards for a good person. (This, as far as I know, can also be a bpd experience but I don't have bpd so I don't know where the overlap ends) This can also be multiple people but usually it boils down to one or two people. You start to base your self worth on their mannerisms and ability to validate you and so you feel bad talking to them now but you keep doing it til they eventually can't cope with it and leave and you don't know what to do from there and you feel sick and betrayed somehow.

Lashing out at others to "get back at them" for perceived rejection. This is a sentiment I think ties into how passive aggression is glorified in our current society and seen as really cool or whatever. Anyway I'm talking about (as an example from my intrusive thoughts recently I ignored) stuff like "No one responded to me on my discord so I'm deleting this channel/the message" and shit like that. It's like. Instead of self care you think you will feel better or be standing up for yourself if you do something to "punish" whoever made you upset. Not only is this a bad mindset to have in general but a lot of the time people haven't done anything seriously wrong but rsd is making you feel like shit so you think it must be their fault cause it's not like you know you have rsd.

Feeling like you always have to be on the defense or offense. Now this one is a bit tricky cause on one hand, personally, when people have accused me of this they were also incredibly toxic and attempting to shut me up entirely but on the other I have gotten into these unhealthy behaviors before so try and think individual situations through thoroughly to try and examine whether or not your reactions were reasonable given the context and your current state of being. But with this kinda stuff I'm talking about when you think someone might be mad at you over a disagreement or some other reason and you feel the urge to make yourself pityable to avoid any perceived rejection (as an example from my past "Sorry if that was argumentative, my dad always made every thing into a debate and I don't know how to act normally"). Or to lash out by going on the offense. Normally this isn't an intentional behavior it's instinctual because those are two survival responses to feeling like you're about to be hurt. The problem comes in when you have rsd because perceived rejection is everywhere so you will constantly be in that flight or fight mindset unless you learn to keep these reactions in check.

Self depreciation. This one ties into the last one in that it's a type of survival response. If you beat anyone to demeaning yourself then maybe they'll accept you. This is also something that's glorified currently as it's seen as funny and cool. While it's good to recognize imperfections and embrace them I'm talking about mindsets of "lol I'm trash! I'm ugly lmao! I'm a bitch ik lmao" and for unknowingly hyperverbal or adhd folks it tends to be "I know I talk too much when will I shut up lmao" and varients. Basically, its a mindset of "well everyone wants to hurt me, if I want to hurt myself then we have something in common, everyone's happy." That's a subconscious mindset but it leads to toxic friendships (sometimes on both sides sometimes just on the other persons) and a lot of hurt in the long run for others too but especially for you.

What all of these behaviors boil down to is this: When you're ND and/or mentally ill you grow up feeling less than everyone else, feeling broken and undesirable. That's no way to live so to survive your brain starts looking for validation anywhere and everywhere with all the desperation of looking for water in the middle of a desert. But the problem is that the wounds from this stuff are now so deep and fundemental to your development that while support can and will help you, you first have to work on unlearning the ableism and self hate. The only person who you're really trying to prove anything to is yourself.

When I was 17 a friend expressed that I might be autistic and around the same time I learned about my ADHD and I had been exhibiting all these behaviors. I felt relieved because I was realizing that these things were survival instincts, that I wasn't simply a failure or unable to hold relationships. I absolutely hated myself that time of my life and I have had my ups and downs since then but because I knew now it was a result of being marginalized and not my own worth I began to work on self love and now these behaviors are just intrusive thoughts I deal with normally.

It CAN get better, you aren't undeserving of healing or forgiveness, and you deserve to be able to look back one day and realize that you love yourself and You're imperfect and messy but you at least feel in control of yourself. Leaving that fight and flight mode and learning to regulate your emotions is hard but it's one of the most freeing things I've experienced thus far in my life.

Anyway that was long sorry but hopefully it's helpful and if anyone needs help or wants to talk my inbox is always open <3

[the-black-dragons-den]

living with depression and borderline personality disorder, a very personal rant

please consider

with the boom of awareness of mental health issues, people are much more familiar with the symptoms of depression, and are much more inclined than they used to be to be compassionate and understanding when it comes to these symptoms. more and more people are understanding the importance of taking “mental health” days, understanding that depression can make it hard to get out of bed and take care of yourself, understanding that sometimes provisions need to be made for people who suffer with depression. depression is fairly commonly understood, and fairly easy to explain, and fairly appropriate to mention in casual conversation. the stigma is lessening! that’s not to say that everyone everywhere is doing a good job accepting and talking about mental health issues, and I’m not saying that this makes everything easier all the time for people with depression. Depression can be debilitating and fatal. But I’m saying that we’re moving towards compassion when it comes to this particular mental health issue.

Now, please consider...

You have depression which creates all of aforementioned struggle and turmoil. Additionally you have Borderline Personality Disorder, which most people haven’t heard of, many people confuse with Bipolar Disorder, and which psychologists may take years or prefer not to diagnose at all because there’s not really an effective targeted pill you can take to “fix” the problem. Being Borderline means when you feel your emotions, you feel them strongly, instantly, right at the surface. Yes, you feel joy incredibly strongly, but you feel anger and sadness to the same degree. When someone is rude in the store, you’re enraged and it ruins your whole day because you can’t stop thinking about it. When someone cancels plans, you’re devastated and start spiraling about why they must not like you. When someone you care for is hurt, your terror is unparalleled and you can’t stop panicking even when the person is fine again. When you’re hurt, or in a rut, or struggling, it feels like it’s never going to end or get better, and the dark thoughts are right there to tell you why it would be better if you just took yourself out of the equation altogether. Tears and yelling are your body’s preferred method of communication. As a child, you are told to stop “throwing tantrums” and “being a drama queen”. As a teen, you are accused of being manipulative because of your rapidly changing emotions. People think you’re using your tears and anger to get what you want. The reality is, what you want is to not have all your emotions on display to everyone around you at all times. The reality is, you don’t know HOW to quell the violent storm of emotions that bubble just below the surface at all times. The reality is, you KNOW you’re overreacting – maybe in the moment, or maybe later you realize, but you KNOW and you will always feel like the guilty party after a confrontation. As an adult, looking for help on how to be a better and more tolerable romantic partner, you will find hundreds of resources for your partner: “How to Leave Your Abusive Borderline Partner”. There is help out there – but not for you, it’s for the people that have to deal with you. There are conferences, huge talks, events where families can go to learn how to “deal” with their Borderline relative. Maybe your family tells you, years later, that they all flew out of state to go to one of these events when you were estranged from them. You know you’re hard to deal with, you know your emotions make people uncomfortable, you know that people have to work hard to not set you off. You know being in a relationship with you is a commitment, a job, and it’s hard. “I’m sorry” is your mantra as you start to feel like your emotions are the thing that are causing all the problems.

Compound this with severe depression. Compound it with severe, treatment-resistant depression. Imagine you’ve been on every imaginable class of antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics (despite how that particular type of medication made you think of yourself). Imagine you’ve had electromagnets pulsed against your head and tranquilizer shot into your veins, and yet all of these things have only provided a tiny fraction of the relief or help that they were intended to. Imagine knowing you’ve been running up medicals bills with no answers, no help, no success. Imagine knowing there’s no magic bullet, no pill to take to calm the waves, no way to make sure you don’t lash out at the people who care about you because of the constant, immeasurable flood of feeling that you feel all the time, constantly. Imagine knowing how much pain, and hurt, and struggle you cause of the people you love just because you can’t keep your emotions under control. Imagine feeling like that bad guy 99% of the time, even though you’re doing your best.

And people just… don’t know. They don’t know you’ve got all this going on in your head and even if you said that words Borderline Personality Disorder, they wouldn’t understand it. Imagine trying to explain a lifetime of outbursts. Imagine trying to defend yourself when people just see you as immature, emotional, “a woman”. Imagine working tirelessly on yourself, blaming every fight on yourself because you feel like you overreacted, feeling like it is only up to you to fix the “problems” that are your over-present feelings. Imagine trying to walk through life and keep all of that inside. So that you can be normal. Or socially acceptable. Or wanted.

 There’s not really a point to this other than that I needed to vent. This has been in my head for weeks. This is my life. This is my fucking life. That’s not to say everything is terrible – I’ve fought hard to get where I am. I told a doctor at 13 years old that I thought I had BPD, and he LAUGHED at me. I waited more than 10 years to get the diagnosis. My therapist was nervous that he’d offend me when he told me, but I cried with relief. I still want to sob when I think of that moment. Finding out that I had BPD helped me realize that I wasn’t a terrible, horrible, manipulative person who was taking advantage of and hurting the ones I loved on purpose. Finding out that I had BPD helped me realize that everything wasn’t all my fault. Finding out that I had BPD helped save my life, because until then, I truly thought I was a horrible person that did not deserve to live. I have survived two suicide attempts, I’ve got over a decade of self-harming behaviors under my belt and have been clean for years. I’m doing okay right now. My partner is amazing and compassionate and understanding and kind, he’s the reason I’ve been able to work on reactivity and communication. We’re financially stable (for the moment), we’re housed and fed, and generally life if on the upswing right now. But I just…. Really wanted to explain. That depression is a horrible illness to deal with on its own. But when you add BPD, it makes like into this… unimaginable battleground every day. And people have vastly grown out of blaming depression on the people who suffer from it. But if you have BPD, you’re seen as a temperamental, emotional, tantrum-prone child, unless you keep that shit on lock constantly. You’re accused of being manipulative, dramatic, and overreacting constantly.

I honestly wanted to put this on Facebook for the people who know me IRL to read. But it’s long and I’m… scared. To complain there or to be too real there. There’s no button, nothing clever to wrap it up. I just. Wanted to explain. Even if it’s to the void. That I am doing my best, always doing my fucking best, and sometimes my best isn’t that great. I know that. I’m still trying though.

[ask-a-schizo]

(Tw: Suicide, Descriptions of Hallucinations/Delusions) Professional Dx: schizoaffective (major depressive type), PTSD, BPD, Anorexia; Self-Dx: Social Anxiety (my doctors keep saying the other diagnoses cover it, but I think that's BS). I have been struggling so much lately with falling asleep. I all but physically act out vivid daydreams of killing myself in very specific ways. I have hundreds of leftover meds from trial runs over the last five years. I'd go into a coma within the hour if I took them all. I get so frightened of the world around me that I shut down completely, get so confused that when asked who I am I can't answer, and even if I want to answer I can't talk unless someone coaxes my voice out because I'm so afraid the nebulous "they" will hear me. I don't see things as much anymore, but I feel the presense of "them" looming around me as "they" whisper to me. "They" tell me to be afraid and that I have been transported to another dimension or that I will suffer because I've cheated death (multiple suicide attempts). "They" love to remind me that no one cares and that I'm lazy and a burden, so alone. Sometimes "they" talk to me through the lightbulbs their amalgamation of voices sounding kind of buzzy. The corner in the bedroom or kitchen are the safest place in the house because it keeps bad things from happening if I sit in it for a while every day...my partner really doesnt like that, but they don't understand. As I type this I'm feeling myself spiral again. There's so much more. I'm afraid I'll be dead by the end of the week. I can't keep living like this, what do I do? I've been in therapy for five years, I've been to multiple short term institutions and one long term for 6 months, I've been on so many meds, I've tried CBT/DBT, I'm so tired. I'm so angry at the suffering. I'm so broken from the suffering. I guess I just needed to vent (although the spiraling has begun), feel free to ignore. I hope you are well. You seem like you deserve a break too. Take care.

This is tough to unravel but here's the thing you should try first. Try wondering why. As goofy as it sounds try and see if there's a good reason for it. Maybe they see these things to keep you from interacting with what they think is a hostile outside world. Try making friends with them and be forceful if they don't comply. Be persistent. It's hard to imagine making friends with these hostile apparitions but just try. Your mind in an evolutionary sense is only trying to help Its just doing it incorrectly. Make them bend to you not you bend to them. If you need more help please ask. Thank you and be safe and stay strong ~Crow

[nicoletm]

hi everyone. i’m mina and this is mapleview’s answer to fiona gallagher from shameless, with some of my own original points. nicole is a revamped muse that i’m so, so excited to roleplay again. this group looks amazing and i’m so excited to interact with you all!

『 shay mitchell. thirty two. cis woman. she/her. 』 oh heavens, is that NICOLE REYES from CHESTNUT DRIVE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -IMPULSIVE & -DEFENSIVE. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool SECRETARY and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +PROTECTIVE & +COMPASSIONATE. i hope i see them around again! 『 mina. 22. gmt. she/her. 』

please proceed with caution! neglect tw, abandonment tw, mental health tw

nicoles’s the eldest reyes child and she had a relatively normal couple of years of her life. the reyes’s started off in a nice neighborhood, on fair lane, some houses coming with their own picket fences. that was until mr. reyes was done for fraudulent activity and landed himself in jail when she was five years old. her mother had always been sensitive but without her husband’s support she quickly fell apart.

being the eldest, nic was the one to automatically step up to help her family where she could. when she was younger, she didn’t hate her father, not how her mother proclaimed she did (although the woman visited him frequently) and she did miss him being there. she had to do the cleaning when her mother was unable to do so, help her siblings get ready. her responsibility started when she was five years old so had been robbed of any type of childhood.

without the good income of her father, the reyes family relocated to chestnut drive and it was far from what they were used to. her mother took up a job as a caterer but didn’t seem committed when she couldn’t get up out of bed. nic tried to make the woman feel better but time and time again, they would repeat conversations. it was a vicious cycle that she had no control over and that was hard.

it was an entire cycle of her father coming back into their life and then going back to jail or running from something. the more times it happened, the more hurt mireia felt. it was a betrayal each time. things would finally settle and then he’d be gone and she’d be left to pick up the pieces.

there was then five of them and it was a lot of work for nic to care for the other four. she didn’t have a break or a life, it was solely about her family. those kids deserved better than she ever had and it was up to her to give it to them.

nicole was fourteen when her mother’s mental health started detetiorating dramatically. the woman would disappear for days on end, doing goodness knows what, leaving mire to look after her siblings. her mother had been on the waiting list to see a professional about her mental health but the system was failing them all. one day her and her mother thought and the woman didn’t come back.

nic didn’t get to go to college because of her siblings. instead, she found herself working three jobs in order keep the household afloat but it was too much pressure for her. she began to show similar symptoms to her mother and was diagnosed with bpd. she was struggling but it wasn’t like anyone was going to come and help her. it wasn’t pressure that people could take away as that meant taking her siblings from her and she wouldn’t let that happen.

she was judged a lot as a kid, mostly because she was carting around kids and people assumed that they were hers. she’d always stick up for herself but be cautious as it didn’t matter if they were her’s or not, it was still prejudice and she didn’t have the time to deal with it.

she felt so bad when she cried in front of her siblings, that she wasn’t able to hide how bad their situation was. she has tried her best with them but as her siblings try to deal with her own issues, she feels like she’s failed.

when she was twenty one, she was granted official guardianship of her younger siblings. she stepped into the motherly role, even when the older ones didn’t want her to, but she had no choice. the youngest was three and she practically raised her as her own child but that also took its toll.

she would pick up temp admin jobs when she could to try to get herself out of barwork and into a more corporate setting, purely for the money. the corporate setting doesn’t suit her as a person but she’s a hardworker and has a lot of initiative so works by herself without being told what to do.

recently her father has tried to contact her to offer some support but has turned him down on multiple occasions because she can’t bear the thought of letting him into their lives and them him messing it up further.

she hates her job as a secretary but it pays well so she’s only keeping it to support her family. still, her bad attitude gets in the way sometimes. she does clash with her seniors over multiple matters as she finds it hard to take criticism when she’s trying so hard all the time and doesn’t get a single thank you. in a way, she still feels like she doesn’t deserve it but doesn’t have anyone supporting her (when someone tries, she gets defensive and pushes them away)...

she’s started partying harder and this has made her more tired and more withdrawn from her siblings. they never got to be children and now it seems that she’s being crippled under the bouts of pressure put on her. if she doesn’t have it together, everything is fragile and she hates that.

nic is scared of becoming her mother as the pressure has forced leaving for good to cross her mind on multiple occasions, and along with her recklessness, she feels she’s following in her mother’s footsteps and doesn’t want that. she feels like she’s failed with her siblings as they all manage to get themselves into trouble and she was the one who raised them...

nicole loves her siblings with all her heart; she’d do anything for them. they do love each other but every time there’s a disagreement, it feels that much worse because they’re supposed to support and love each other as they’re all they’ve got.

possible connections:

her boss: if your muse works in a corporate setting, please let her be the very talented hardworking employee that hates her job, a little to do with your muse!

the adviser: someone who frequently gives her advice how to handle her situation. sometimes the advise is taken on board, sometimes nic does the exact opposite.

the party buddy: a wild child that enables nicole to stil make decisions despite her being thirty two and still having no direction.

the will they / won’t they: someone who she likes that also likes her but they really value their friendship and are scared of messing it up. open to all!

the unlikely friends: a muse that is very rich. they come from different worlds but get on like a house on fire and always have fun and support each other.

the other ‘parents’: muses that have kids in their teens and see nic at school events. their perception of her is utp!

the adoptive parent: someone, preferably older, that has stepped into the parent role for nicole.

there is always room for friends, fwb, etc!

reyes kid reference

nicole - 32 years old

carlos - 25 years old - left mapleview

aron - 21 years old

lila - 16 years old

hazel - 14 years old

[tanadrin]

via @sophia-epistemia’s recommendation (emphasis added):

This is a pattern of introducing middle-men that has proliferated throughout the finance side of health care: “Hmm, this part of our enterprise sure is expensive! Why don’t we spin it off as an independent business or outsource it? Surely some enterprising entrepreneur can figure out a way to do it more cheaply than we can, so we’ll just black box the problem and pick the lowest bidder to solve it for us.”

Here’s another example of that pattern. Medicare, the Federal health insurance for the elderly, insures people directly. But the Federal program for the poor, Medicaid, does not. Instead the Feds give the money to the state to run a Medicaid program. Here in Massachusetts, ours is called MassHealth. The federal government has outsourced the actual insuring of poor people to the state.

So the state insures poor people? Not exactly, here in Massachusetts. MassHealth is (mostly) not an insurance program. MassHealth funds insurance. It’s an insurance subsidy program. The actual providers of insurance are commercial insurers who offer MassHealth-approved plans.

This, by the way, is the big crucial concession of first Romneycare and then Obamacare to the health insurance industry: the state wouldn't take over insuring people directly, thereby putting the insurance companies out of business. The state would pay the insurance companies that already existed to do the job for the state. And the citizenry would have a choice of insurance products from a market place of multiple insurance companies. That is what made these plans the conservative answer to the liberal preference to single-payer. Back when they were considered conservative.

So when you get on MassHealth you get a choice of providers/plans. There are, last I checked, five. So your MassHealth-approved and –funded insurance company provides you health insurance?

Mostly.

If you choose Neighborhood Health Plan, and you require mental health care (one of several types of health care for which something similar is true) you will quickly discover that Neighborhood Health Plan (which, btw, is the name of the insurance company not the insurance plan) doesn’t have a network of psychiatrists and psychotherapists. They have outsourced the mental health component of their insurance product to another company, named Beacon Health Strategies.

I mean Beacon Health Options. They were just acquired by/merged with Value Options, and that’s the new name.

I assume all this divisioning is saving someone money, over what they think they’d be spending otherwise. But I can’t help but note that some share of the wages for at least one Medicaid employee, one MassHealth employee, one Neighborhood Health Plan employee and one Beacon Health Whatevers employee – minimum – have to come out of the premium for that patient, regardless of whoever is paying it.

Because it has to. There is no other money input into the insurance side of the system, besides the premiums. But I get ahead of myself.

The proposition that multiplying the number of parties and institutions that have to get a cut of every premium somehow reduces expenses is... eyebrow-raising. I’m not saying it’s not true, I’m saying that if it is, it says something pretty appalling about the comparison case.

...

But what I want to discuss is not the most charitable description, because I think these things weren’t just ineffective at keeping costs down. They were more like boring holes in the hull.

Here's a thing you need to know about The Beer Game: the reliably produced behaviors in the game are the product of humans being reliably human. The chaotic results are not required or enforced by the game. Rather the players in the game respond to the game's stimuli in a counterproductive way. There is an alternative way to behave (the theoretical maximal condition of losing only $200) that is vastly better. But people reliably don't do that because they have certain beliefs, intuitions, guesses, assumptions, and biases.

The whole point of the exercise is to bring to conscious attention these unconscious beliefs, intuitions, guesses, assumptions, and biases, so that they can be unlearned.

Allow me a digression from the whole of health care into that special mess with which I am most familiar: mental health care.

The DSM-III came out in 1980. This was Spitzer's DSM, the New! Impoved! Scientific! DSM for a new rational age. Insurers promptly adopted it – and promptly went through it and decreed certain diagnoses to be things they would and, more importantly, wouldn't pay for.

The following will be Sanskrit to many of you, but: DSM-III introduced the multiaxial diagnosis system. The payers took one look at Axis II and said, "Heeeeeeey, you can't actually treat that stuff can you?" and psychiatry said, "No, that's the stuff that's permanent," and payers said, "Oh, cool. Thanks!" and promptly made the presence of an Axis II disorder diagnosis grounds for terminating (paying for) mental health care, because, hey, Axis II disorders "aren't curable", so money spent of them – or on someone who had one – was "wasted".

This is how a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder – introduced with DSM-III – became so deeply prejudicial and stigmatizing: putting it on someone's paperwork could basically terminate their insurance. (Also, I have a hunch this is one of the things behind the idea that mentally retarded people can't be benefited by psychotherapy; mental retardation is also an Axis II disorder and I wonder if the Axis II == “no mental health treatment allowed” thing played out there, as well, but that's outside my orbit.)

This failed to rein in costs. (Actually, I'm confident the Axis II thing bit them in the ass really hard: people with untreated BPD/o generally consume emergency room resources like whoa.) So they examined the problem and they noticed something that I posted about: that you can't tell how well someone is functioning just from a diagnosis. Ah, okay, we’ve had been asking for the wrong information! Screw diagnosis! If Susie is stable on her meds and getting along fine, why should we pay for her to get psychotherapy just because she "Has Major Depressive Disorder"? Sammy's depression isn't so well controlled, so, sure, we'll pay for psychotherapy for Sammy, but, clearly, we need to know how impaired the patient is.

What happened next is that the insurance industry moved to what is known as the "impairment model". It wasn't enough for a treater to tell the payer what the patient's diagnosis is, the treater was expected to indicate the present impairments. Apparently, payers came up with their own lists of what impairments they would pay for mental health services to treat.

I say, "apparently", because they didn't tell the treaters. However, clinicians surmised these lists existed and some enterprising folks reverse engineered the lists.

Now, on one hand, this impairment model approach sounds very enlightened: diagnoses are deprecated, and understanding the presentation of a person's actual mental health condition is centralized. The problem is, however, that the other hand is trying to pick your pocket. We're still talking about payers (insurers) trying to figure out reasons they shouldn't have to pay for medical care. And their justification here isn't just that if you're doing fine with your Major Depressive Disorder, you don't need therapy, it's that if you are getting out of bed in the morning, getting to work, doing a job, earning a living, and meeting most of your obligations, and managing to eat and sleep and bathe, then that is the definition of "fine" and you are doing fine, no matter what you feel like. The impairment model is concerned with, duh, impairments: about what you can do, or more properly what you can't. It is unconcerned with suffering. It is unconcerned with subjective experiences. Feel worthless, numb, miserable, can't stop thinking of all the people you loved who have died? They don't pay for that to be treated if you're still keeping it together.

...

Now, note that in the diagnosis model, the treater can just write "major depressive d/o, recurrent, moderate" on the bill and be done with it. But that's not how the impairment model works. They didn't say, "Here's the list of things we'll pay for you to treat"; they were all cagey. Instead, they said, "Give us a little report on the patient, explaining why the patient needs treating." So now, clinicians are doing substantially more documenting just out of the gate and because they're then subsequently playing "20 Questions" with the payer to get payed, there's more back-and-forth.

Well, gee, that didn't get costs under control, either.

“Okay, look,” said some insurance companies. “This isn’t working. You guys keep explaining how all these patients are being so impaired by their conditions, and that can’t be right. Surely there can’t be that many behaviorally impaired people among our customers! [Clinicians everywhere: “BWAHAHAHA”] So from now on, we want you to explain not just what the problem is, but what you propose to do about it, and how its been going so far. No, we know you wrote a treatment plan, yeah, we required you to do that, no, we want a new thing on a different form. In addition.”

And on it goes. When I started at psyjob five years ago, we had to do treatment plans with both the diagnosis and impairment models, but then also fill out the insurance company's form ("unit requests") every so often to justify further treatment. Just as I showed up, I was informed that the new thing is that we needed to add a symptom checklist to the treatment plan. Okay. We were told that some of our payers are now demanding that we also track patient status with a standardized outcomes measure (think: a one page questionnaire the patient fills out), so we've added that, too. Okay. We were told that one of our insurers now requires that we fill out a two-party form for coordinating care with the patient's PCP: we fill out the mental health half, send it to the PCP, who is supposed to fill it out and send it back to us. We already requested an annual physical report, but we have to do this, too, now.

Seeing children on MassHealth? You now have to fill out a CANS assessment every 3 months. In addition to all the other paperwork already required by the state.

Who knows what new documentation tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows what it will be, but we all know it will be something, because the people trying to control costs are certain that if they just get enough information out of treaters, they will be able to figure out how to pay less for treatment.

As attentive readers will have long been noticing, I’m talking about coordinative communication.

This was, in fact, the place that the previously published Massless Ropes, Frictionless Pulleys: Coordinative Communication originally was going to go, before I factored it out. If you haven’t read it, you might want to go do that before proceeding. If you have read it, you might want to re-read it here.

What I’m describing in the two histories I’ve just shared – one about healthcare over all, and one about mental health specifically – are examples of how the demands for coordinative communication in the healthcare sector in the US absolutely exploded over the course of the last 40 years. The first also illustrates payers, both insurers and the state, recoursing to organ-ization in an attempt to manage the proliferating costs of coordinative communication, and, apparently, it failing to do so.

My hypothesis is this: that two things happened.

The first thing is that the expenditures on health care began to escalate exponentially as a function of the increased health care available to buy, and this process, which had been slowly gathering steam through the 19th century and into the 20th started rounding the curve of the hockey stick in the 1960s and 1970s.

Which brings us to the second thing that happened: the response. Just like in The Beer Game, players in the game reacted to the surge in demand, by attempting to do things to reduce costs. Wrong things. Precisely the wrong things.

There is a quote, famous among system dynamicists, from Jay Forrester, father of the field:

   “People know intuitively where leverage points are. Time after time I’ve done an analysis of a company, and I’ve figured out a leverage point — in inventory policy, maybe, or in the relationship between sales force and productive force, or in personnel policy. Then I’ve gone to the company and discovered that there’s already a lot of attention to that point. Everyone is trying very hard to push it IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!”

It is my contention that in the US, the naïve response to the phenomenon of rising health care costs due to medical innovation was to increase coordinative communication, which counterintuitively caused costs to increase even more, and because that cost increase was not attributed properly to the increased coordinative communication, the answer to the problem of rising costs was seen to be ever more coordinative communications.

This was an economic death-spiral.

(source)

[bourbonstreetdevil]

More Headcanon Ramblings

If you don’t like mental illness headcanons or in-depth talk about mental illnesses then there’s no need to read further. It’s all gucci, go about your business my lovelies!

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a professional in any way. I just have a special interest in the brain and its many quirks and afflictions. I tend to see these things in characters I see or play. Remy, Kurt, Cole, Tim, and Klaus especially. But right now I’m gonna talk about Remy! Since. This is a Gambit blog lmao.

So without further ado: here are some disabilities I think fit Remy pretty damn well. Ones that have Pretty Much Canon Evidence will be normal. Anything that’s purely my headcanon will have (HC) before it.

-

PTSD! This one is probably the more obvious one. I think most X-Men who’ve seen battle have it at this point, with all the fucked up things they’ve seen. Remy has likely had it since he was little. Canonically one of his earliest memories is being cuffed to a fucking patio fence while the Guild strapped up a gator to see if he could slip the cuffs in time. He was two years old. Well if that’s not traumatizing I don’t know what is.

(HC) Katrina. In my Remy’s canon, he was around 13 which is when most mutant powers kick in. Especially due to, you guessed it: Stress! I’d say being pinned down in a flooding building counts as stressful! He blew up the rubble and almost died. That’s definitely a ticked box on the Trauma Checklist.

Let’s see... What else...

The life in the Thieve’s guild couldn’t have been easy, especially trying so hard to impress the guild and his ‘adopted’ father. He had to grow up fucking fast if he wanted to live.

Killing a man at 18 after just getting married.

Getting A Fucking Lobotomy! (Side note his head was shaved for that which I think is a fucking crime)

Learning that all this work was to lead a group of murderers to an innocent group of Morelocks!

Getting Fucking Gutted By Sabertooth!

Misc. traumas from living on the run/getting into fights/Belladonna’s death

Most of his ventures with the X-Men!

MYSTIQUE, who regularly manipulated his issues with self-worth and self-loathing!

Apocalypse/Getting turned into the Horseman of Death, which canonically HURT SO MUCH HE HAD TO BE STRAPPED DOWN.

Numerous kidnappings/torture sessions by various villains!

BEING ACTUALLY BLINDED FOR SOME TIME.

Probably more from comics I haven’t read yet!

-

Depression. Self-loathing, self-worth issues, and self-harm specifically. It’s no secret that Remy LeBeau has had one hell of a fucked up life. Abandoned at birth over his mutated eyes, stolen into a family of thieves, basically used as a tool all his life. He’s been used and subconsciously trained to think he’s only worth something if he’s useful. Thus self-worth issues.

(HC) He had no outlet for his self-loathing, but he did have a neat power to charge shit with kinetic energy. Vibrational kinetic energy is, well, vibrational. He holds something and focuses, and it vibrates. He could manipulate an object to vibrate so much that it would heat up. Easy way to cause burns. Easy way to self-harm without being noticed. If people asked why he had burns, he could say he was trying to practice and the thing blew up. Nobody actually cared enough to ask, which made it worse. This is why my Remy has no feeling in his palms! He’s burned all the nerve endings out, whoops!

He outran his use to the Guild when he killed Belladonna’s brother, even in self-defense. The point of the marriage was to settle a feud between the two guilds, to bond them. While they still held the truce despite Remy killing the man, he was exiled from New Orleans. Abandoned for a second time in his life, by someone who likely convinced him he “Should be thankful he was taken in by the Guild.” and how Jean Luc “Stuck his neck out for him.” (Let’s remember I’m pretty sure he was 18 when they were married.)

Plus they abandoned him at a crucial part of his life: His powers starting to get too powerful for him to handle. This drives him to seek help. Unfortunately for him, that lands him with the Marauders. He almost dies trying to save the Morelocks after figuring out what the Marauders had been up to, but he pretty much fails. That’s a huge part of his life that he hates.

Right off the bat with the X-Men, he’s mostly tolerated instead of accepted. Nobody trusts him, so he gets bitter and self-isolates. That just kinda goes downhill from there.

-

Here’s the weirder one of mine... Borderline Personality Disorder! Remy shows pretty much all the symptoms of BPD which are as follows, at least from all I’ve seen. I’ll bold the ones that apply, and summarize some examples.

Fear of abandonment.  Already gone over this one.

Unstable relationships. *Will Smith meme at his numerous flings and escapades and also ROGUE.*

Unclear or shifting self-image.  At the beginning of the 2012 Gambit miniseries, he mentions he doesn’t feel like himself anymore. He has a lot of issues with it throughout the series. I’ve seen it in other comics too but he has a lot of trouble being torn between X-Men, the Thieve’s Guild, and his past with the Marauders.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.  Thievery, reckless and numerous sexual encounters, pretty much no regard for his own health in battle, alcohol.

Self-harm.  Already went over this, still pure headcanon.

Extreme emotional swings.  He’s seen getting regularly frustrated with people, even those he loves. Especially with people that he finds annoying. Then other times he’ll be extremely apologetic or upset for almost no reason. The smallest thing can trigger it, like being called a thief too many times or being rejected by someone he cares about.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.  I’m not sure how to explain this one. It just shows, to me. Maybe the same instance as the shifting self-image.

Explosive anger. (haha get it) He’s actually really good at keeping his anger in check unless it has to do with people he cares about.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.  He’s really fucking paranoid. He’s paranoid that people will leave him or won’t trust him with anything. He’s suspicious of anyone new, wondering when they’ll leave him, etc.

Thanks for coming to the TED Talk no one asked for.

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.  

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

[psychoticparadox]

Introduction

So here we go again... I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve tried to be consistent with my blogging, but here goes another attempt.

As I go through life, I witness changes in myself & my environment as a whole.. Experiences build me and mold me, etc. Hopefully I am evolving throughout this process, but life is a roller coaster and I’m somehow still hanging on.

So, let’s get into this introduction a bit more with an ABOUT ME, shall we?

I think a proper greeting is due, so....

HELLO THERE! *waves*

My name is Angel. I am a shy introvert that over-analyzes every damn thing. Its both a nightmare and some cases enjoyable; depending who appreciates it and/or encourages it...if that makes sense. Some people admire my deep over-analyzing to details and therefore it energizes me and makes life as a whole FUCKING AMAZING...and simply put; WORTH LIVING. I literally crave this and thrive on this. This is my drive and simply put; keeps my crazy ass going.

Others will throw up road blocks that cause me to literally CRASH... I just shut down and become isolated, too afraid to share my most inner desires, dreams, identity, etc. When I shut down, I literally go into psychosis and helplessly drown in my own head. Often times, I contemplate suicide, as I feel so lost and engulfed in darkness... surrounded by loneliness and severe depression/anxiety. My self worth is fucked during those moments as my drive is deprived from my surroundings. 

I am a Cancer Crab Zodiac, but was suppose to be born as a Gemini. My mother was pregnant with me for 10 months vs the “normal” 9 months. So I tend to take on both zodiac characteristics which makes shit even more fucking complicating. 

I went to college for (too fucking long) for Psychology, Nursing, Law, and Arts. My passion seems to mostly be future based as a whole with whatever my surroundings may be. This means I may be adaptable, but also skip around like an ADD fucktard. 

Which brings me to my next “about me”; I studied Psychology due to my vast diagnosis. I have been diagnosed with the following..... *clears throat*.... oh wait, I’m typing....so um..... *cracks knuckles*....... 

Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1, ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, OCD, Epilepsy, CPTSD, Aspergers, Legally Blind, Dyslexia ...the list just keeps going.... 

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking... “HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS NUTS”..... yes, yes I am, but it also helps me see the world so different at the same time, and helps me be more understanding. If I could explain it in a lump-sum, it helps me see the world in different shades of colors others may not see. I see many are misunderstood and therefore went into Psychology to help anyone else through their battles. I had to face most of my battles alone, in silence, and don’t want anyone else to feel how I did; alone. Its one of the worst fucking feelings there is, and I thrive in helping others problem solve, plan for the future, come up with a game plan, etc. I find the human mind so fascinating and just can’t help but gravitate to increasing my knowledge of it. Even though I already have my Doctorate's in Psychology, I still can’t get enough of the mechanics of how we operate as a whole, as no one person, no one illness, is the same. And I find that amazing. I am thinking of going back to school to get my PhD in NeuroPsychology, as this is only a few more years and will educate me further. This will allow me to study brain scans in a Psychologist way. Fucking neat right? Naw? Eh,,,,I’m odd. *grins*

People often think that because I am an INTJ (Introvert Intuition Thinking Judging) personality, that I lack feelings and emotions, when its completely the opposite. I am an empath and my crazy mind throws that into my own mess of more shit for me to over-analyze as well, so I tend to show my emotions in silent, or with those closest to me I trust. Around the “right people”, I am quite driven, nurturing, loving, protective, loyal, outgoing, etc. I realize I may come off as arrogant, and even seem to have narcissistic behaviors, due to being so shy and my illnesses, and severe CPTSD. I am usually pretty reserved at first, and mostly observe others and listen. Once I know how they ‘tick’, I then will open up pieces of myself I feel may be appropriate/acceptable. I try to give others inspiration and drive. If I feel a part of me will do them no good, I keep that piece of myself quiet. Sometimes its unavoidable and my moods/actions are uncontrollable, and I try to be as communicative about my situation as I can, but most of the time I am at war in my own head and can’t even communicate to my own damn self, so its even harder to push that communication to others during those times....then BOOM.....domino effect. They feel worse as well as me. So overall, I try to only talk if whatever I have to say will be of aid, not to just “fill the silence”. My head is so loud as it is, so it does make it harder to push through my own internal noise as well. 

As humans, we are our own worst critics it seems. This can be both beneficial and chaotic...and in some cases, (such as mine), completely disabling. To use this to our benefit, we must use it as lessons vs criticism. We need to grow and learn from our own thoughts and actions, as well as others, and NOT be criticizing it. Its hard to do, but the more we feed each other supportive inspiration, the brighter each of our futures will be. See what others have passion in, and fuel the fuck outta it. When you fuel others, you will fuel yourself; trust me. We are all empaths to an extent. We feed off each other. Most of the time this is referred to as “energy” and “vibes”....but its true. Whatever you put out into the universe will always return back to you... so I always quote “Spread those good vibes, y’all!” 

Now, if you’ve made it this far in my post, first let me just say THANK YOU. This means a lot to me. I felt (and still struggle with this to this day) of feeling invisible and secretly hated... so when anyone shows any interest in me, I light up. 

So onward of the whole “about me” I suppose, as well as my intro to this blog.

I needed an outlet to pour my mind into, as well as help others connect to me in a deeper way since I struggle with communication. My mind will literally overflow with thoughts that need to be thrown up somewhere, so heres one place they’ll go. I also plan to vblog on YouTube. I am a streamer on Twitch as well. I am on Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and will spread into other social medias as I see fit. 

I started streaming on Twitch October 27th, 2019. It changed my life in many ways. I started it to build a safe place community/family, and it has been amazing. I cannot be more thankful for our community family. I mostly do the “Just Chatting” feature on there, but stream game play from time to time, and multi-stream with others as well. I mostly focus on helping others with therapy chats for free & run on a ‘donation/subscription” basis. 

I absolutely love music. I’m obsessed with Rick & Morty. I used to be obsessed over Pusheen, and as I still have a place for that adorable feline in my heart, the obsession kinda faded. 

I love to game and favor adventure slash games and FPS mostly. 

I enjoy drawing anime, even though I have no interest in watching it. Go figure.

I write poetry from time to time. I also make jewelry, paint, etc. I love to design; whether it be decorating, technology based, fashion related, WTF ever....LOL I see it as an artistic way to plan I suppose?

I am a very misunderstood individual and hope for understanding for myself, as well as others. 

I will end this post there for now, and add on when the urge comes. I hope y’all stick around and enjoy my company. 

~peace & love~

xoxo angel (^_^)

[roadtripwarrior]

The Two Most Important People in My Life

Heads up before you read, this is more of a vent than anything. And to anyone who usually reads my stuff this will not be my normal style. I don’t usually dissociate but this feeling in this narrative has me messed up. The events here are all true. I don’t usually write non-fiction because it feels to real, but I just need validation. I gave this a once over for proof-reading and to appease the writer in me, but it’s pretty sloppy I imagine and given it’s nature of a vent, it’s also very run-on at some points with a ton of commas. I usually to try to pretty shit up. But this is what it is. Any validation you can give would be very appreciative. My mother has an undiagnosed mental illness. What it is, I can’t say. I’m not a doctor, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say maybe it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, which would explain why she’s so hard to reach. She herself does not know where she is inside herself, nor who she is, nor if she even ever existed. I believe whatever it is that ales my mother arose when she was about four years old, when her stepfather took her into a room and did things to her I cannot fathom anyone doing to someone of that age. He molested her and probably did other things. 

         Here’s the worst part about that. He didn’t just do it once. He did it for nearly 5 years. No one’s sure how long. And it’s not like it was done in secret either. My grandmother knew. And she did nothing. In fact, she only grew to resent my mother. Can you imagine that? You watch you daughter get sexually abused for years, and the only thing you do is become jealous. Jealous because your husband is more interested in your daughter. So you drink, and pretend you don’t see it, then years later even after Norman, that’s his name and I believe the whole world should know it, even after Norman has left, you shame my mother when men look at her. When men look at her. Not the other way around. You call my mom a slut because of things completely out of her control. You distance yourself from her. You stop being her mother and when I was born you treat me in a similar vain. Like I’m not your grandchild. Like she’s not your child. She’s been tainted and stained.

         It’s like that thing peoples say about if you touch a mother bird’s eggs, she won’t want them anymore. I guess it happens in people too. 

         I don’t even hate Norman. It hurts when I think about him yes, but I know that it was a pain, something great and deep, something that was barred inside him for years, decades, and it rot him until he could bare it no more and had to exact hurt upon another to dull his own. No one knows where he is anymore. He’s probably dead. And that’s a shame, because it means he took that pain, he took what he did to my mother, to his grave and never will be able to heal. The pain is inside me now. I have to bare a burden he left upon my mother, which she never dealt with either.

         So now, here is my mother. A woman who will forever fear and despise men, and I am her only son. And I have been burned by her eyes that saw me as a pedophile, as a rapist, before I ever even knew what sex was. There was always distance when I was young. A certain way my mother held me, it’s like the way you hold something that smells, or that’s wet. You don’t want to get it on you. And then came puberty. And that was when things really changed. I don’t know if it’s because she could no longer to bare to be in the house with a young man, or if it was just timing, something inside her that had been growing into an evil flower, and finally came to surface just as the time of my beginning to look at woman awoke, or perhaps it was both. Either way she left. 

         She became a prostitute. It was probably a way for her to coping with those things that happened with her. Understanding her sexuality. I don’t really know. She told me once she had no pleasure from the job. But who knows.

It took me awhile to figure out she even was a prostitute. She would never spend much time with me, anything longer than an hour and she got fidgety, like she always had something more important to be doing.

         But she would show her love through money. It was a way to love me at a distance. She could throw it at me, and not even have to look me in the eye, and I just accepted this as love. Eventually I started to question where the money came from. So much of it, so quickly, and my mom had never had a solid job so I couldn’t imagine. Then I started to realize the boots she wore when she went on “appointments.” Fishnets up the legs, a skirt so short it would make a cheerleader blush. Red, red lipstick, like a doll. And then she’d return with messy hair and six hundred dollars. 

         Now, it was most likely because of the relationship with my mom that I would fall in love with someone who also has BPD. And remain in love with them for six years, despite our relationship never really working out, we’d try to be friends and stuff like that, but always seemed to love each other at the end of the day. But there was a lot of hurt in both our lives that made it hard to ever really get close. 

           I recently had a falling out with my mom. My therapist showed me that I was basically like holding a bridge up for my mother and I to be able to connect. That I had to hid and pretend so much about me wasn’t there. And one day we were getting lunch, and as my mom began to shame me, the pain began to arise. The pain that had been there since I was Twelve, maybe even longer. And I finally said no to it. I wasn’t going to put myself in a bind just to please this woman. Yes, she’s my mother. Yes, I love her. But I don’t deserve this. 

         The result was fascinating, my mom went to in a panic and tried to kill us both while we were driving. She floored the car and almost drove us into someone one’s home. I hadn’t been that scared since I was a child, when she did something similar. 

         After that, I started to become better with woman. I stopped trying to be something around them, to prove I was worthy to a woman who wasn’t even in the room. 

         Anyway, I decided to reach out to Sierra, the girl I mentioned earlier with BPD. The one I’ve loved for years. We hadn’t talked in a couple months, last I saw her, we ran into each other on my college campus, neither of us were aware that we went to this school, we just happened to have a class right next to each other, walked out, and just stared at the other.

Life always brings us together like that.

We sat on a hill and talked. Another day we got a beer with a friend of mine. Then the semester ended. She asked if I wanted her number. I said I wasn’t sure yet. 

         Since I didn’t take her number, I had to get pretty crafty with the art of magic to deliver the message of love I wanted to send to her

         Long story short, the whole thing with my mother was just a facet of a larger thing I was becoming. My therapist whom I believed to be a bit crazy at first, had showed me that there is indeed magic in this world and she awakened a being of love inside me and I’ve just been different. That’s all i can say. 

         Low and behold I cast a magic spell and my message gets delivered to this girl. Sierra. 

         She says she loves me too. 

         But she has a boyfriend.

         I already knew that

         I still love you. 

           So here we are. Loving each other the way we’ve always loved each other. I decided to not manipulate you the way i had once, I decided to not cling if you left. I decided to express the deepness of my love to you, and you could do what you want with it. Little did I know that it was truly an infinite well of water and it flowed from me and I believe you became afraid of me. Afraid of yourself. Afraid of the same thing my mother was always afraid of. 

         You still need to heal. 

         My mother needs to heal too, but I don’t know if she ever will honestly.

         After trying to kill me she seems to think that we are “okay”

         She keeps inviting me to get lunch.

         I just don’t even reply anymore.

         Maybe she’ll change.

         But the point is she’s no longer my mother. 

         And it hurt. I cried in the shower that day she tried to kill us. I cried to my father after I got out of the shower. I realized maybe I never had a mom and that I never would.

         It was relieving in all honesty. I no longer had to pretend. 

         But, losing Sierra? It’s not just about her not being in my life either, It’s that both of them have incredibly self-destructive tendencies. So its like, I just have to let these two people go kill themselves slowly with drugs and alcohol. 

         I know she need time and maybe she may get better too and awaken the love in her heart that she deserve. 

         But it scares me right now. 

         I haven’t heard from her in what’s felt like months, even though its only been a week.

         I keep wanting to text you that I love you and I miss you, because I know with your BPD you need a bunch of validation, but I also know that right now you need your space.

         And now I have to live without the two most important people to me.

         The world ruined my mother, and I can live that.

         One of them I could understand

         Two just seemed unfair. 

[brazen-purple-dragon-warrior]

Tantrums and Triggers

Recognizing your tantrums (BPD episodes) and triggers, as well as controlling them.

*This information is intended for those who refuse or are unable to see a proper therapist due to personal reasons that I will not judge!*

Recognizing your tantrums can be difficult when you don’t understand what the symptoms of it are or why it was triggered in the first place. Personally, it took me months to realize what was happening on my own before I could take the first steps to controlling them. In this essay I will be discussing my own experience in this process and sharing some helpful information on to help yourself!

Recognizing your tantrums 

So far, you’ve probably had plenty of run ins with your borderline self, having split on your fp and loved ones, disassociating, and committing self destructive behavior. You probably thought to yourself “I’m crazy! There’s no way this is a normal way to act!” which of course leads to those self depreciating thoughts. But have you ever noticed or took into consideration of how you feel before that stage? That little bit of agitation, the anger that builds with each passing thought, the hateful thoughts of your fp? That's the thunder before the storm. The creeping dark clouds that roll towards your house of love and peace, the ominous feeling of doom. That stage of your borderline taking over is what you must pay attention for if you ever want to control it. It is imperative to recognize the signs before damage can be done. Don’t bring yourself down though if you have trouble the first few times trying to recognize it initially. It’s hard having that level of self awareness when the illness takes hold.

Recognizing your triggers

Your triggers can virtually be anything. For myself, It’s my S/O’s (fp) father, him hanging out with other people besides me (imagined abandonment, fp issues). So this task is potentially more difficult to do than recognizing your tantrums. Honestly, it’s just anything that brings out irrational rage, fear, agitation, panic, tears, manic screaming, and impulsive actions such as self harm and running away (or if you’re like me at my worst, jumping out of a moving car in traffic and walking down the side of a highway because you’re so lost in your own thoughts and illness). The only thing I can really sat toward recognizing your triggers, is keeping note of what causes the tantrum to begin in the first place and connecting the dots from there.

Tips on controlling the tantrums

Once you’ve recognized when the tantrums are growing, and the triggers for it, it makes this task so much easier! There’s a few things you can do to help keep the storm at bay. This is not for every situation but from my experience, it has worked best.

1. Avoid the situation that is causing the tantrum to rise. 

2. If you are triggered by something that a loved one or your fp has said or done, let them know how it is making you feel in the most open and non-accusatory way possible. If its something that another person has said or done, confide in your fp to get some reasoning and support

3. Don’t let the rising anxiety get to you. keeping a cool head and remembering that it could work out fine is a key factor for keeping the borderline at bay as long as possible, or until you can escape the situation.

As a sufferer, I understand that I’m making this seem easier than it truly it is. It has taken me months to get to this state of mind and it has been the hardest 9 months of my entire life. But if I, a little ole Pisces- the most sensitive of the entire astrology family- can do it, you can too ;)

Please do not feel like you are intruding if you send me messages, asks, or comments regarding my own experiences, or telling me your experiences. All relevant questions and comments welcome!

[dr-gloom]

But Who Here Would Ever Understand

Day four of Spook Month! This was really hard to write tbh but once it turned into a vent fic it was easier

Prompt: Sweaters and Sunsets

Fandom: Sander’s Sides

Pairing: Moxiety

Words: 3,023

Summary: Patton and Virgil have both had hard days at work, so they decide to take a little walk and talk about Serious Business(tm).

Tags/Warnings: Virgil has Borderline Personality, Patton is a transmale, poor bois, hot chocolate, sweaters, sunsets

Enjoy! 

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@sanderssidesspook​ 

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@hungry-red-panda​

Virgil slams the front door shut, grumbling as he enters the apartment he shares with his boyfriend of four years, Patton. He’d just come home from possibly the worst day of work this year – no, not quite, don’t be dramatic. This month. – and honestly, he just wanted to punch a hole in a wall, scream into the abyss, and take a really long nap (though you’d be hard-pressed to find a day where he didn’t feel that exact feeling at least once). Patton would be home soon, but for now Virgil had the place to himself, so he paced back and forth across the living room in front of the couch, his thoughts running rampant.

He knew rationally that he should be calming himself down, that letting himself be swept up in these big mood swings wasn’t good and he wasn’t helping himself in the slightest, but that’s the thing about going from zero to eighty in two seconds; he didn’t care. His hands move up to grip his hair, his teeth grinding, his pulse racing as his feet work a groove into the carpet. He lets a frustrated, almost animalistic scream rip from his throat and he kicks the couch, his boots keeping him from hurting his toes. He falls out of step when the front door opens, startled slightly by the noise (how long has he been pacing?), Patton shuffling through the doorway and setting his messenger bag on the dining room table.

He looks up, noticing Virgil for the first time, and frowns. Without a word, he crosses the apartment and stops Virgil’s pacing by pulling him into a hug. Virgil huffs, though he’s not mad at Patton; he just needs to get all of this pent-up energy out. He hugs Patton back, resting his chin on Patton’s head. Patton speaks up, voice slightly muffled by Virgil’s hoodie. “You too, huh?” Virgil frowns at the implication of the question but nods nonetheless. Patton sighs, squeezing Virgil a little tighter. Virgil chews on his lip, a cornsnake of anger slithering in his chest. He knows whatever happened with Patton is just going to piss him off more, but not knowing is going to drive him crazy, and Patton needs to talk about his feelings.

“What happened with you?”

Patton was reluctant to answer, Virgil could feel it in the way his shoulders tensed up. Virgil taps his boyfriend’s back between his shoulder blades, and Patton forces himself to relax, refusing to let go of Virgil as he finally mumbles out, “Got misgendered a lot today.” Virgil blinks. Did he hear that right? “You got misgendered?” Patton nods. So he had heard correctly, then. “Yeah, lotta my coworkers misgendered me. It’s fine though, really, I promise!” He rushes to reassure Virgil when he feels the other tense up under his hands on his back. “Virge, baby, they were probably distracted and forgot, it happens!” Virgil shakes his head, face already set into a grimace and hands fisting in the other’s shirt. “No way, Pat. You’ve been working there for two years. There’s no way they weren’t doing it on purpose.”

When Patton only sighs in response, Virgil pulls away to resume his pacing, shoving his hands in his pockets. After a moment, he pulls them out to drag one through his hair. His hands flex, clenching and unclenching, and he shakes them out, if only to dispel some of the manic energy he’s feeling. Patton watches patiently, eyebrows knit slightly with concern.

“Honestly, how fucking hard it is to not be a fucking piece of shit?”

“Language.”

Virgil ignores him. “It’s a fucking pronoun, it’s not rocket science. Oh, you prefer male pronouns? Fuckin’ sweet, guess you’re a bro now. You prefer they/them? Okay, you can be my palhoncho, or fuck, who even cares, just use the right pronouns I’m not speaking fucking Latin. And how hard is it to just sit on a fucking horse and let it take you somewhere? Don’t fucking dig your feet into its ribs, don’t send it sprinting down the goddamn path, don’t make me have to chase you for two fucking miles! It’s common fucking sense!”

Patton has to stop Virgil pacing again, taking Virgil’s hands in his to keep them from pulling on his hair. Patton uses a hand to grip Virgil’s chin lightly and force Virgil to look at him, exaggerating his breathing. Virgil takes the hint, remembering Dr. Picani’s instructions and taking a moment to calm himself down. Once Patton was sure he was okay, he let go of Virgil’s shoulders, studying the other’s face in silence for a moment.

“C’mon, let’s go get some air.” He smiles gently at Virgil, who takes a step forward and wraps his arms around Patton instead, one hand rubbing his back softly as he kisses his temple. His hand pauses and he sighs through his nose. “Pat, you should probably take the binder off.” Patton whines, shaking his head. “I don’t want to… Besides, it hasn’t been 8 hours!” Virgil pulls back, squinting down at his boyfriend. “Like hell it hasn’t, you got dressed an hour early today, remember?”

Patton sighs and nods. “Okay… I’m putting on one of your big sweaters then. You wanna change too? You smell like horses. And poop. Actually, I’m pretty sure horses smell like poop.” Virgil laughs and nods, following Patton to their room and digging through the closet for his winter and fall clothes before handing Patton a sweater. He turns so he’s facing away from Patton, stripping out of his shirt and pants and changing into a sweater and sweat pants. “Pat, you should change into sweat pants too.”

“Oh, good idea! Okay.”

After they’ve both changed, they grab their wallets and keys and head out. They link their fingers together, Patton smiling brightly and the corners of Virgil’s mouth upturned just enough for someone to notice. They head down the stairs, Patton humming softly under his breath and Virgil pretending to be annoyed. They walk in relative silence for a while, both having a general idea of where they were going, and when they end up at the local park Virgil can feel himself relaxing further, taking Patton along the familiar path that winds along the perimeter of the park until they end up at a small hill.

Patton lets go of Virgil’s hand to run to the top, Virgil following behind at a much more carefree pace, and the two sit together, pressed against each other’s sides. The park itself is above a large portion of the city, so the two can see plenty of their home from up on the hill. There are splotches of reds, yellows, and oranges interspersed throughout the city, moving gently in the breeze and broken up by buildings (or maybe it’d be more accurate to say the buildings are broken up by the trees?). Patton rests his head on Virgil’s shoulder and Virgil wraps an arm around Patton as the two of them gaze silently over the city.

The sun starts to set not long after they get there, Virgil feeling an odd (at least, for him) sense of peace as pinks and purples bleed into the blue that had dominated the sky for so long. Clouds capture the colors and make them appear more vividly, as though an artist had been testing colors before diluting them to use them as the final product, the sunset. He looked over at Patton, taking in the other’s serene expression, the way the sunlight brightened his face, the glimmer of happiness in his eyes. Virgil’s chest hurt, a knot forming in the base of his throat, and he had to fight to keep a smile off his face. God, he loved this man so much.

Patton looks over at Virgil and his smile widens. “I love this weather, I wish it could be fall all the time!” Virgil scoffs lightly, looking away. The pain in his chest only lessens a tiny bit. “I don’t; winter is where it’s at. Constant rain, cloudy skies, biting winds and shorter days.” Patton hums. “But you like fall too.”

Virgil nods, then shrugs slightly. “Well, yeah, but it’s still hot like eighty percent of the time.”

Patton laughs. “True! But that just means you can enjoy the pool!”

“Patton.”

“What?”

“You know how I feel about public pools.”

Patton just laughs louder at that. “Yeah, I know. Maybe someday we can get a house with a real pool! One we don’t have to share with little kids.” They lapse back into silence after that. Virgil doesn’t think he’s felt this calm in a while; a few weeks at least. It’s nice, but he can’t help but worry it won’t happen again. That’s how it always was with him; he could guarantee you that he’d go into a rage or be too depressed to move, but he could never say for certain when’s the next time he’d feel content to just be. “Hey Virgil?”

Virgil blinked, startled out of his thoughts, and glanced at Patton. “Yeah, Pat?”

Patton wasn’t looking at him, eyes instead trained on the city below, as if he could see the people milling about from this distance and he was just people watching. “So you have BPD.” Virgil raises an eyebrow, waiting a moment to see if Patton will continue. When it’s obvious he’s waiting for a response, Virgil sighs softly and says, “Yes, Patton. I had it before we met and it hasn’t gone away. Your point?” He could feel himself get annoyed, and now he was getting annoyed that he was getting annoyed. God dammit.

“Well…. What’s it like? I know you tried to explain it once, but… Can you try again? I really want to understand.”

Virgil rests his elbows on his knees, leaning forward slightly and picking at his cuticles. “There’s a lot, Pat.”

“Just tell me what you know. And what you’re comfortable talking about.”

Virgil nods, pulling at the skin of his ring finger as he begins. “Well…. It’s really intense. And fast, I think. It’s like someone took the dial for emotions, cranked it to eleven, and broke it so I can’t turn it back. Everything kind of has a… physical effect? When I’m happy, it’s kind of hard to breathe, and my chest feels like it’s full of helium. When I speak, it feels like my words are people, running down my tongue and tripping over each other to get out. I get really jittery- you know what I mean, you’ve seen it.” Patton flails his hands, and Virgil nods.

“Yeah, like that. And when I’m angry, it burns. Like there’s acid in my chest and in my stomach. Everything is tense, and it feels like the only way to let the acid out is to say what I’m feeling, or just… yell. It’s… too easy to say horrible things, which kind of freaks me out. It’s like the words have no weight to them, they just fly out of my mouth. When I’m sad, my head feels full of water, or cotton. Kind of depends on the kind of sad, I think. My words get stuck in my throat, like they’re too sticky. Being anxious isn’t too different, honestly, except it’s static. And all of this is happening multiple times a day, without my control or say-so, and it’s kind of exhausting. And that’s just the emotions.”

Patton turns so he’s fully facing Virgil, who’s picking at his cuticles in earnest now, his heartrate picking up slightly. “From what I understand, there’s like… nine things we all have in common. People with BPD, I mean.” He glances at Patton quickly before staring at his hands again. “An unstable self-image, as well as an unstable image of other people and relationships….” His words catch in his throat. He thinks back to the fights they’ve had over the years, most of them because Virgil tried to break up with Patton but Patton wouldn’t let him. Even back then, Patton knew Virgil better than he knew himself, where it counted.

Patton puts a hand on Virgil’s knee, and that’s all the encouragement he needs to continue. “It tends to fluctuate between idealization and devaluation. Uh… Makes keeping people around really hard, even if you want to. Figuring out what you actually want is pretty frustrating too, honestly. It’s ironic, because it also comes with this intense fear of abandonment.” He laughs a little brokenly, picking at the skin of his finger until it’s started to bleed. “Can you imagine how many people I’ve annoyed and pissed off because I go from worshipping the ground they walk on to treating them like an annoying customer, then get clingy when they want to leave? Then there’s the compulsive behavior, which is honestly probably the most normal thing about all of this shit; everyone’s got some kind of compulsion. And when you’re not severely emotional or worrying about being alone you’re just fucking- empty. Everything’s empty, that’s your baseline. There’s no content-to-exist, happy-go-lucky, or any of that. You just exist, and you don’t know why and it feels like you can’t feel, until you inevitably blow up on someone and then you’re starting the whole thing over again.”

He looks up, the sun finally dipping below the horizon and the sky darkening into deep purples and blues. They should probably head home soon, but he doesn’t want to get up. Besides, Dr. Picani had suggested he find someone to talk to in his extremely limited circle of friends; who better than his boyfriend, who’s seen him at his worst? “Did you know uh…. There’s like, fuck, I think it’s somewhere between a fifty to seventy percent suicide rate for people with BPD? We kind of uh… self-harm. But you knew that.” He picks at the chapped skin of his bottom lip, muttering to the clouds. “I worry about that a lot. On empty days I wonder why I haven’t just done it yet, because if there’s a fifty-fifty chance it’ll happen – at least that – then what’s the point in resisting? But then I remember you.”

He looks over at Patton finally, shocked to find tears on his face. Virgil never understood where the expression “white-hot shame” came from; his shame always feels like dumping ice water on a campfire. He pulls Patton close, hugging him tightly and running his hand through the other’s hair as he shushes him softly. “No, hey, come on… Please don’t cry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was fucked up, really. I’m sorry.” Patton shakes his head, pulling away so he can look Virgil in the eye.

“N-no, don’t be sorry, I’m sorry. You’ve been going through all of that alone for years and I haven’t done anything to h-help you.” Virgil frowns. “Babe, you help me every day, honest. You’ve calmed me down at least what, twice? Today alone? You give me a reason to stick around. You convinced me to start seeing Dr. Picani. You give me more happy moments, which is huge. I’d much rather be suffocating with happiness than burning with anger, trust me.” Patton smiles weakly, allowing Virgil to pull him into another hug and press a kiss to his hair.

“I love you so much… Don’t ever forget that. I know sometimes I’m really bad at showing it, but I’m working on it. Me and Picani, remember? He’s helping me. I want to love you for the rest of my life, I mean that.”

Patton nods against Virgil’s shoulder, content to just sit there hugging Virgil for as long as they both need to. That turns out to be five minutes, because it’s quickly getting dark and the temperature is dropping. Virgil stands up, pulling Patton to his feet and lacing their fingers together. “Come on, let’s go home and have some hot chocolate, okay?” Patton nods, the two of them making their way back down the trail. The sleeves of the sweater Patton is wearing are a little too long for him, covering his hands partway, but Virgil thinks it’s adorable and doesn’t comment when Patton pulls his hand away to rub his hands together to keep them warm.

When they finally get home, Patton sits on the couch tiredly and Virgil heads to the kitchen to make their hot chocolate. He sets the kettle on the stove, leaning against the counter as he waits for it to boil and thinking over everything he said. He’d been scared for the longest time that telling someone all of that would drive them away, especially Patton. It wasn’t that he thought Patton was the kind of person who heard “mental illness” and ran, but… this was a lot, especially since on of the big things was unstable relationships. It wouldn’t be fair to date someone and not tell them though. He was just glad Patton didn’t seem too put-off by it, both when they’d first met and now.

The kettle starts whistling, making Virgil jump and he shoots it a glare as he turns the burner off. He goes to get two mugs, filling each with the powder and water, mixing them before bringing both out to the living room and setting them on the coffee table. He sits next to Patton, and Patton curls into his side before grabbing his own mug and taking a tentative sip. “Thanks, Virge. I love you.”

Virgil purses his lips, his chest tight and his eyes burning. “Love you too, Pat.”

Later that night, after Patton had fallen asleep watching Frankenweenie and Virgil had carried him to bed, Virgil lay beside his sleeping boyfriend, curled up on his side and studying the other’s face. Patton looked absolutely beautiful, face calm and peaceful in his sleep, eyelashes fluttering slightly but eyes staying closed. Virgil had no idea how he got so lucky to end up with someone as amazing as Patton, but he thanked whatever deity was out there that he had. He brushed his fingers against Patton’s cheek, reveling in the warmth that chased up his fingertips.

“Thank you, Patton.”