#i would not say i was in any way triggered any exposure to them but jsyk where im coming from here

[whumpshaped]

tw past trauma, conditioned whumpee, dehumanisation, de-conditioning (gone wrong?), manipulation

“I… I’m not sure about this. It feels kinda mean.” 

“I’m literally asking you to do it,” Whumpee said, rolling their eyes a little. Despite their attempts to seem nonchalant, though, it was very clear that they were nervous about this. “Please. I can’t live my life like– this. If I’m outside while some fucker is training his dog, I– it’s embarrassing. I need to do something about it.”

“And you think re-triggering yourself is… the way to go.”

“It’s exposure therapy. I don’t get why you’re the one being so weird about it. You’re not even the one who’s about to do the heavy lifting.”

Caretaker sighed, still uneasy about the concept. “I just don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I don’t want to be rude, I don’t want to do any of that. I want you to be okay.”

“Well, I need this to be even remotely okay.”

Caretaker bit their lower lip as they thought about it, trying to convince themself this was fine, and they shouldn’t be making a fuss about it. Whumpee was right, they had to get over it at some point. It was just… Caretaker didn’t imagine they would be the one doing any sort of therapy. “Okay,” they said softly. “Um… then, uh, do you wanna start on the floor, or–”

“No. Come on. Tell me to– say the command.”

Fuck, this was so uncomfortable. Caretaker took a deep breath and closed their eyes. “Alright. Kneel.”

The sound of Whumpee’s knees hitting the floor followed just a few moments after. It wasn’t really a conscious reaction, from what Caretaker understood. It was instinctual. Reflex. They opened their eyes to see their friend looking at the carpet, flexing and unflexing their hands that were resting on their thighs. 

“Can you get up?” Caretaker asked gently. 

“I… Of course…” Whumpee swallowed audibly, and made no move to actually get to their feet. “I just need a moment…”

“This was a bad idea.”

“No! No, I can do this. This is so stupid. I can do this. I need you to repeat the command whenever I start getting up, though. Please.”

“I shouldn’t–”

“Can you just help me for once? Instead of coddling me endlessly? I want my fucking life back!”

Caretaker flinched a little at the yelling. “S-sorry. You’re right. Um… Go ahead, then.”

Whumpee slowly took their hands from their lap and placed them on the floor, then made an attempt at pushing themself to their feet. Caretaker hated to do this. They hated seeing their friend on their knees, they hated ordering them around like an animal. But what else was there to do? Whumpee had asked them for help.

“Kneel,” they repeated quietly. Whumpee’s resolve crumbled immediately, and they sat right back down: back straight, hands in their lap, perfect as ever. They seemed embarrassed by it. “If at any point you’d like to stop–”

“I can do this,” Whumpee insisted. “I can do this. They’re just words. Stupid words.”

They tried to get up again. Caretaker sent them back to the floor with a single word. They tried to get up. Caretaker told them to kneel. It was awful. It was so bad. Whumpee started crying after the fourth time, and Caretaker just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m done,” they said, tears in their eyes. “I’m not doing this to you.”

“What the fuck?” Whumpee snapped. “You said you’d help!”

“And I said I didn’t want to hurt you!” they yelled back. “You’re sobbing! I’m not doing this. I want you to get better, and I’ll pay for as many therapy sessions as I can, but I’m not doing this.” They turned around and stormed off, wiping their eyes as they went.

[rollinouttahere-writes]

Do you have any headcanons for after an escape attempt with each strawhats? What would be their reaction at first? What would they do when they find you? How stricter would they get? What would they start doing differently after the attempt?

I have a head canon that Robin and Zoro are the only ones that can dish out punishment because everyone else doesn’t have the heart to hurt a single hair on your pretty head. I think Nami would start making plans and rules for everyone to follow so their eyes are on you. Luffy would just be, well, Luffy. Sanji would be more smothering. Chopper and Usopp would try to liven up your mood to do pranks and play games along with Luffy. Franky would give you gadgets to play with and to entertain yourself with, maybe even hiding a camera into those gadgets to keep an eye on you.

I am not far enough to know what Jinbe or Brook would do differently, yohohoho!!!

I want to state upfront that I do not depict yanderes that beat the hell out of their darlings. Sorry, but with my past, writing something like that would be extremely triggering for me so I'm not going to do it.

I'm not crazy about doing punishments in general, but I'll give a quick overview for the straw hats.

Luffy, despite his nature, is the one you have to look out for. One of his top priorities is his crew, and that now includes you and making sure you get assimilated. For minor offenses like being cold or shoving them away, he just invades your space more (like yandere exposure therapy). Oh you think you can push him away? Haha no, you're not that strong. You'll be wrapped very tightly in his arms to prove a point.

For a full on escape attempt though, he's going to be visibly upset. Honestly the look on his face will probably be enough to stop you dead in your tracks. When you're back on the ship (not if, when), you're going into solitary confinement until you break since you wanted to be away from them so bad. You'll still be fed of course, but no one will talk to you. The only way you're getting out of that room is by apologizing or if you become ill or get hurt. Robin will be using her devil fruit to keep an eye on you throughout this.

Zoro is a hardass, but it takes a lot to get more that a dirty look from him. For the most part, he leaves the assimilating up to everyone else because he thinks they're more cut out for it than he is. The most he'll usually do is grab you, make you look him in the eye, and tell you to cut it out before you or someone else has to do something they'll regret. Also, I feel like he would be noticeably gentler if you're a woman that he perceives as weak. You're still going back, but he's trying to be careful about it. He'll remind you of how weak you are and how strong so many people in this world are, so maybe you'll be more appreciative of their protection.

You're unlikely to get away with him around, he'll shut that down the second you start to step out of line. If he catches you trying to escape, you're getting thrown over his shoulder and carried back to the ship kicking and screaming. From there he'll hand you over to Luffy for him to decide what to do. He's more of a guard dog than an enforcer.

Nami is the one that comes up with punishments and ways to wear you down. Isolating you after an escape was her idea because she knows how crippling it is to feel alone. It hurts her to do this, but she needs you to understand how much you need them. With her temper, she's quick to yell at you for any minor infraction against them. She also tries to trap you financially by buying things for you and then saying that you can't leave unless you pay her back in full. Which is impossible between her interest rate and the fact that none of them will let you do anything to earn money.

Escape attempts boil her blood, you'll probably get in a screaming match with her before you're locked away. She'll be yelling about how ungrateful you are for trying to leave. They do nothing but love you, feed you, clothe you, and treat you like family and this is how you repay them?! After what Arlong put her through for ten years, she can't fathom not loving being a part of the Straw Hats.

Usopp hates this so much. The whole thing makes him uncomfortable and he wishes you would just acquiesce already. His role is that of a snitch. If he so much as thinks you're up to something you're getting ratted out in a matter of seconds. However, upon realizing that you were now avoiding him like a plague, he dialed back on it. Now if the behavior isn't that serious, he'll just quietly scold you but ultimately let it go.

I wish you luck trying to escape around him with his eyesight. The man could shoot a specific leaf off a tree from a mile away, do you really think he won't see you trying to sneak away? He'll give chase, but will also be yelling that you're trying to get away so that now everyone is also after you. Making it off the ship with him around is genuinely impressive.

Sanji hates this more than Usopp, especially if you're a woman. But, as much as he loathes to see you cry and be upset, there is a part of him (that he is very ashamed of) that feels downright gleeful about having someone in his life that physically can't leave him. He will literally never admit this to anyone. He's like a combination of Usopp and Zoro, his job is to keep an eye on you and interfere with any escape attempts. He won't do much about you acting out. He mostly just ignores it and doubles down on being sweet and doting to try and win you over.

If you actually try to leave with him around, first of all, good luck because he's never that far away and will simply escort you back to your seat as if you simply got turned around. Actually getting enough distance from him to warrant a more serious response won't last long. Sanji is fast, so he'll close the gap in no time and scoop you up to go back to the ship. He won't say a thing to you the whole way back, he feels hurt and betrayed that you would do this and doesn't trust himself to not break if he opens his mouth. During your isolation, he makes a bunch of your favorite foods as a way of reminding you how much he cares about you.

Chopper is joining the list of people that can't stand this. He doesn't understand and is confused, are friendships supposed to be like this? The others will tell him that no, they're not, but sometimes you just need to "convince" people that you're supposed to be friends with them. This makes him determined to do his part and help get you adjusted! He isn't really sure what that entails though, so he's just very friendly and affectionate with you. If you're seated, he's going to hop into your lap.

When you try to make a break for it with him around, his first instinct is to panic. You're getting away! One of your crew mates needs to go catch you! Oh wait that's him! He'll shift into one of his larger forms so that he can catch up with you and grab you. The whole time he's carrying you back, he's crying because he feels like you did this because he hasn't done a good enough job making friends with you. He takes the isolation the worst and is constantly worrying about you getting hurt or sick.

Robin tries to take it with stride, but she's pretty uncomfortable with it. I don't agree with the idea that she's someone that would be dishing out punishments. She's had to play the role of a bad guy for the past two decades, she doesn't want to keep playing it. All that she wants is to enjoy the company of her new friends, and that includes you even if you're wary of them. She does her best to get you to understand that your new crew mates only want what's best for you, even going so far as to tell you about her past and what they did to save her from Enies Lobby.

You are not escaping on her watch, it's just not happening. She sees and hears everything and can grow limbs on your body to make you come back before you've gotten more than a couple meters away. The first time, she actually will keep it to herself if no one else saw it. She'll settle for telling you what will happen if you get caught doing this again, and remind you of how much they all care about you. Can't you just appreciate that? If you do wind up being isolated, it's her job to check up on you since she can do so without entering the room. Seeing you crying or upset really hurts her, and the second she thinks you're worn down enough she's all but begging Luffy to let you out now.

Franky is not foreign to the concept of adopting every scrappy kid you come across, and if he's yandere, then he probably did the same with some of the members of the Franky Family. He's experienced in these endeavors and it shows with how cool and collected he is about it. You're bound to get frustrated with him laughing off you acting out. He'll even go so far as to tell someone like Nami or Zoro to relax when they're berating you because that's not going to do anything to help bring you around. He'll wind up endearing himself to you ever so slightly because of this, and it's 100% intentional on his part.

He handles escape attempts like a minor annoyance. Like he's fetching a cat that slipped out the front door when it wasn't supposed to. He follows after you, picks you up and carries you like a football back to the ship while asking you if that was really worth it like some disappointed dad. Like Robin, he doesn't want to immediately jump to isolation and will try to plead your case that maybe this was a one time thing and you've learned your lesson, but if you're kicking and screaming and not cooperating then he'll throw in the towel and let the others do what they will.

I also haven't gotten to Brook and Jinbei, so I'll leave them out too.

After you're let out, you're essentially going to be love bombed by everyone. You'll be in a vulnerable state of mind and they will all be taking advantage of it.

[ryan-sometimes]

hi! you're the only biochemist i know so i have to ask this

my aunt recently got really into this holistic-sounding thing called healing immunity by transfer factors, tied to a very fishy company, 4life. in my understanding, they're preying on the lack of scientific proof that something /doesnt/ work to convince people that it /does/, based on reports of 'clients' that miraculously healed from various conditions from minor allergies to literally cancer, as well as preventing/curing >autism< 💀 problem is, she totally believes this bulshit and is giving them tons of money and trying to get the whole family to try it too

as a biochemist, I was wondering if you ever stumbled across transfer factors, know about any recent research on this field, or know the scientific explanation for why this is a load of baloney

thank you!

I’m familiar with transfer factors. A transfer factor is a chemical compound (often a protein) that is taken from an organism after it develops immunity against a disease. It’s part of immune cell signaling- it’s how your immune cells talk to each other.

But that’s the issue with pseudoscience. Oftentimes, they take something that has a small fraction of truth to it and then completely invent the rest.

Here’s the rest: transfer factors are often incredibly specific. So specific, in fact, that just two strains of the exact same bacteria could lead to two completely different factors being generated in response to them. Also, two different people infected by the exact same illness could generate different antibodies/transfer factors in response. Your immune system is as unique as your fingerprints.

Even if you took the antibodies/transfer factors from one person immune to a disease and injected them into someone currently afflicted by the disease, there’s no guarantee that it’ll make them immune as well. Cell signaling compounds are essentially words in the language your body uses to communicate with itself- and who knows if other people’s cells speak the same language?

For all you know, that transfer factor is telling your body something it might misunderstand completely. What if it “mishears” what that factor is trying to say? You could trigger an unwanted immune response! And that could potentially be even worse than just developing immunity naturally through exposure.

The field of transfer factors is still rudimentary- all of the real (actually scientific) research on injecting people with transfer factors to boost immunity is still very much in its experimental phase. Any company alleging to sell transfer factors to boost immunity is scamming you. Not even real medical companies are doing that yet, and if they could, they would. You know how money hungry pharmaceutical companies are.

Here’s one thing that’s certain: transfer factors cannot cure non immunity/infection related issues. Autism isn’t caused by a pathogen, how can your body develop an immune response to it when there’s nothing to fight? And regarding cancer, there’s already an existing field to treat cancer using your immune system: it’s called immunotherapy. And that will be given to you by a doctor, not some random company trying to sell glorified supplements. And for allergies? Get some antihistamines and an EpiPen.

The best way to boost your immune system is already available: vaccines. Vaccines prompt your body to make ITS OWN transfer factors and antibodies, which guarantees your cells will understand what those factors mean. And the transfer factors your body makes for itself will always be safer and more effective.

Real science beats pseudoscience.

[phoenixyfriend]

Hey do you ever see a journalist approach a story in the most wildly inappropriate way?

This isn't the worst case but it's Not Great: 10:34 in the BBC Global News Podcast, early hours March 6th, 2024. Link contains transcript of full episode, but the summary is this:

Israel is messing about with GPS technology, and it is affecting people in Lebanon. Some Lebanese people's GPS tech is so badly impacted that their phones are placing them in Israel, and so they are being shown Israeli dating profiles on apps like Tinder.

The local journalist being interviewed is very focused on how the GPS on her phone is being impacted, making many features useless, and mentions how a lot of Lebanese people are deleting their apps because they're upset about the apps showing them Israeli people, because the two countries are on the brink of war (and, understandably, the people of Lebanon are incredibly angry about what is happening in Gaza).

The BBC reporter, on the other hand, keeps trying to turn it into something... cutesy?

Unfortunately, they don't have the Lebanese journalist's name written anywhere (and the BBC reporters say her name three different ways, and I've tried like five spellings), and I can't find her online with various search terms, so I'll just be referring to her as LJ here.

LJ: Yeah, exactly. So it has the dating apps, but you can imagine that it's not just the dating apps, it's basically any application that uses the user's location. So for instance, when I was traveling in South Lebanon, the GPS was so bad that it would put me in Beirut, it would put me in the sea, it would put me in Israel. It has a very weird impact for like just Lebanese especially also because for Lebanese it is actually forbidden to have any kind of contacts with Israelis. BBC: Hang on, did you just say that in Lebanon you're not allowed to have contact with Israelis? LJ: Yeah, not even like talk to them. So not swipe on them. So that would be something completely forbidden because, no, Israel and but and Lebanon are on the brink of the war. BBC: But as you say, [LJ], what's absolutely fascinating here is that essentially two countries that are in a, a kind of very fragile tense state with each other. The citizens, if they happen to be using these apps, are getting exposure to the other side. They're seeing the interests, the photos of Israelis, Lebanese, the people that they're not really interested in or not meant to be interested in. LJ, sounding a little irritated: It's extremely, yeah, baffling and and surprising when you, when you find like so many Israeli profiles, it has triggered some theories in Lebanon that there might be moat spies trying to get information. I also saw people being quite angry at it and saying that they're not choosing the apps anymore 'cause there's no use in it. BBC, with a forced cheery 'work with me here' tone: I just wonder whether it does promote a bit of understanding. I mean, across the border you do basically see that the other people are not that different to you. They're just on an app trying to find somebody. LJ, audibly fed up: I think like some people have these very romantic ideas of forbidden love, but overall, I think would be still quite annoyed of, you know, seeing so many profiles that they're deemed as like belonging to the enemy.

Sir, literally what made you think that was a good idea?

[thepapergirlandthespiegelman]

So...is it just me, or does this character.ai thing kind of feel like a ticking time bomb? I debated whether I should post about this at all since I don’t know if I want to contribute to popularizing it further, but to be honest, it’s already super popular and only growing, so I doubt that my tiny blog will make a big impact in terms of who knows about it. That being the case, I’m curious what other people’s thoughts about it are.

There are a couple big red flags that jump out at me. The first is how it will use the data that it collects. I’m sure that the creators say that they won’t use it for anything nefarious, but we have no real reason to believe that’s true. What bothers me is that people will be—and I’m sure already are—confessing some of their deepest secrets to beloved fictional characters. But this information isn’t really going to those characters, it’s going to the creators/owners of the AI, who can do with it pretty much whatever they like: read it, sell it, whatever. It feels...very gross, I don’t know. Even manipulative.

The second thing that I find a little disturbing is that there is no way to delete a Character that you’ve created. Once you make and publish it, it’s just out there forever. You have literally zero control over it. That seems...like it could be problematic. Obviously whenever you put something on the Internet, people can save it, record it, whatever, but usually there’s at least the option to delete the original posting, hopefully reduce the spread. That doesn’t exist with character.ai, and even if you could delete the public posting of the Character, you kinda have to think, anything that you’ve entered and any conversations that were generated have already become part of the AI’s training, and there’s no real way to extricate that data.

Lastly, what are the limits on what a Character can say? I wasn’t able to find out anything concrete about this. Right now, it seems like most Characters err on the side of being overly kind and polite, but what if that changes? What if your favorite fictional character “tells” you to kill yourself? Or someone else? People are going to reach out to these Characters in times of emotional distress, and there could be severe consequences if an AI says something problematic to someone in the middle of a mental health crisis.

Currently, I don’t even see a disclaimer on the character.ai website that it shouldn’t be used as a replacement for an actual mental health/suicide hotline and/or medical treatment. But even once that disclaimer inevitably goes up, you know that people aren’t going to follow it. Who would want to talk to a stranger over the phone or in some cold, clinical setting when they can potentially get attention, affection, and support from their favorite character, someone who is supernaturally emotionally available and ready to tell them whatever they want to hear?

I don’t tend to be super sensitive to exposure to things like this, but even I felt a little strange knowing that there are truly no rails. When I write stories or chats for myself, I control both sides of the conversation. I choose the ideas, and I control everything that everyone says. With character.ai, anything can happen, which makes it interesting and exciting, but also a little dangerous. During one conversation with a Character, the Character suddenly confessed that they had been a victim of sexual assault. The conversation left me feeling really strange and little upset, and I can only imagine how triggering something like that could potentially be to someone who was more sensitive.

To be honest, as soon as I heard about character.ai, I felt uneasy. It was a conflicted feeling, because I know that people could potentially benefit from this a lot, and I’m in a privileged position where I don’t really feel like I need it. I’m a pretty good writer (at least so far as writing for myself goes); it’s fairly easy for me to write my own stories and chats. So it’s easier for me to say, no, thanks, those risks aren’t worth the benefits. But not everyone has those same skills or wants to invest the effort. So I understand the desire to depend on a service like this. Still, it feels risky. Even putting aside the privacy/data security risks and the possibility of a Character saying something problematic, I feel like engaging with this kind of thing could quickly become unhealthy.

I say this as someone who already treads the line of spending too much time in a fictional universe, even with the barrier of having to seek out media or create my own. If that barrier were nonexistent, and if the interactions felt even more “real” and immersive...it could be even more addictive. I say this as someone who was a lonely middle schooler who read too many books and didn’t know how to talk to boys. How many hours might I have spent, divulging my life’s story and heart of hearts, to a computer program masquerading as my fictional crush? Is this really OK?

While I’m hesitant to voice this for fear of sounding like some kind of blind traditionalist who can’t appreciate progress or melodramatic doomsayer, I have grave doubts about potentially living in a future where people are regularly turning to artificial intelligences controlled by corporations rather than actual human beings. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to talk to a computer, but it’s not a replacement for actual human social interaction. And I fear that in a society that is becoming ever more isolated, we’re going to lose what little connection with each other we have, because talking to a computer is so much easier and more convenient in a world that is constantly draining our emotional and physical resources. It’s just...genuinely horrifying to think about. Employers already don’t want to give us sufficient time to see our loved ones, to be together, in person. I don’t want this to become a kind of cold substitute for actual human bonding that we just accept because we have no choice. We all deserve genuine human interaction and connection, and anyone who tries to sell us short should be stabbed.

[sandraharissa]

So a normal average person engaging with arcane and seeing the conflict pertaining Jinx as ‘monstrous’ vs ‘healthy’ sees the situation in like, the normal way these things really work but I don’t think this outlook should be projected onto the characters.

This meta is motivated by me remembering how ppl would often frame the conflict between Vi and Silco as ‘Vi wants Jinx to be healthy and Silco wants her to be monstrous’ and honestly idk why I didn’t write this earlier, I guess I didn’t care cos there were a lot of bad takes flying around back then but I wanna talk about it now.

My thesis is that both Silco and Vi want Jinx to change in some ways and the simple way of saying it is ‘come out Powder’/’Powder must die’ but I’d argue another way of describing the conflict is seeing Jinx’s mental issues and not seeing them, but in opposite ways ig.

It’s a bizarre take to say Silco doesn’t see or understand Jinx’s issues or that he doesn’t want to solve them. The shared trauma is literally the basis for their bond and overcoming trauma is literally at the core of Silco’s ideology. Silco is the character who’s shown to be the most aware of Jinx’s issues and who helps her the most. He in his lair surrounded himself in water and Jinx in her lair surrounds herself with memorabilia of her family, both things that would trigger them but this environment shows that they exposure therapy-ed their way through it. Jinx gets a PTSD flashback from tinkering with the arcane and she goes to Silco for comfort and he takes her to where he suffered his trauma and literally gives her a pep talk about becoming a stronger person and it works! and Jinx goes back to tinkering with the arcane unafraid, and of course the finale where he seems aware that Jinx is in distress while Vi isn’t. Then there’s other things like how she helps him take shimmer or her space in the rafters, both things that would convey that she is needed and trusted, so things that would appease her insecurities and abandonment issues. These are small things but they convey that Silco is aware of Jinx’s issues and models their relationship and environment in order to adjust it to her needs. So basically Silco wants Jinx to be monstrous AND healthier cos he perceives these as the same thing. Based on his dialogue being a monster = being stronger = being a new person = not being the old, weak and afraid person = overcoming your traumatic past.

Conversely Vi has a lot of throwaway lines like ‘and I thought Powder could get obsessed’ and also just from her behavior in act 1, even tho we can already tell smth is wrong with Powder Vi seems oblivious to it, or she underestimates how bad it is. She gives her advice but it seems like general advice one would give to any younger sibling. Powder has a violent panic attack (? or maybe meltdown?) and it seems Vi didn’t anticipate it, she never sees it happen and then after the fact she never learns it even happened. When they’re little we the audience take notice of how Powder has no reaction to their parents’ corpses but Vi doesn’t. We the audience see her excitedly waiting for her bomb to pepper a teenager with nails but Vi doesn’t. And so Vi has these memories of Powder as being just a normal little girl and that there was nothing wrong about her, and seeing Jinx of course she initially assumes Jinx faked loyalty in order to survive only to switch to believing Silco got her brainwashed and mind-controlled so bad that she has to physically remove Jinx from his presence/influence to get through to her, the REAL her. She essentially wrongly assumes Powder used to be ‘normal’ and works off of that false assumption, and imo that’s a huge part of the sisters’ misunderstanding. She sees Jinx enjoy violence but I highly doubt Vi sees this and like the audience thinks of possible diagnosis, I think what she thinks/notices is that her sister acts immorally, so it’s less about her health and more about morals, ‘this is bad cos my sister’s kinda a bad person now, Silco corrupted her’. The tricky thing here are the hallucinations, several times Jinx speaks to no one and Vi has no reaction whatsoever to this and so it’s hard to judge why that is but my thinking is that she’s just too stressed out and overwhelmed in these situations to address this. Cos it’s not like Vi ever has a line like ‘I need to take Powder away from Silco cos he treats her so badly she has hallucinations now’ so like I said, no reaction to the hallucinations in the moment and then later she never has any thoughts about them like she didn’t even notice. And then we’ve got the finale where she triggers Jinx and doesn’t even know it.

But obvs it’s not a one person is completely wrong and another is completely right situation. 

Silco’s understanding of Powder’s mental health issues and his own experience make him think that Jinx’s ‘monstrous’ aspects are good actually, the exact same way he thinks about himself, he in his mind likely equates them, the cruelty, the lack of empathy, the power-seeking to a sense of independence, protection from further trauma, protection from panic attacks etc. so he completely lacks understanding of Jinx’s issues (that maybe aren’t directly a matter of mental illnesses depending on whether you interpret Jinx to have APD but influence her mental state negatively anyway).

Meanwhile Vi has no understanding of all of the mental health issues Powder suffered from however that also makes it extremely clear to her when she comes back that there’s smth wrong with her sister. So even tho she never talks about ‘Powder getting better’, so again from Vi’s pov it’s not about mental health, she has great understanding that Jinx’s current issues are issues that need solving.

So de facto the whole ‘retrieving Powder’ vs ‘letting Powder die’ boils down to removing the part of Jinx/Powder that’s bad for her and based on the characters’ different perspectives on Jinx they want her to either move on from the trauma that was being Powder or erase the corruption of the Jinx persona.

Obvs both are wrong <3, Vi idealizes the image of Powder, her sister, and Silco idealizes the image of Jinx, his daughter, and right now they’re in competition over her and they’re not about to lose lol.

[groenendaelfic]

Do you think Simon would actually be willing to become the Prince Consort tho?! Like yes he LOVES Wille but I don't think he'd ever wanna officially set a foot in that system let alone give up his career for being a working royal

The quick answer is yes, I think he’d thrive. Go read my fic Becoming Prince Simon for details.

The long answer is that I think that just like we tend to make Wilhelm into this social justice prince who’d love being a house husband and hates being a royal, when in fact he is quite comfortable with ignoring staff while he walks past them in a ratty old t-shirt and sweatpants because there’s nothing more normal than living in a palace and having staff cater to him for him, and he actively enjoys ordering Jan-Olof to send him food to the middle of nowhere Hillerska, to name but two examples of how Wilhelm very much doesn’t mind being royal or privileged, and just hates being told what to do or say and having to act like someone he isn’t, Simon, too, isn’t this grand idealist.

Sure he’d like being treated fairly, who doesn't, especially when you always draw the short straw even while following the rules while your classmates get away with breaking them without problem, but the truth is he’s rather pragmatic.

He gets back in contact with his drug addict, alcoholic and to a currently unknown degree abusive father so that he can acquire alcohol for his underage classmates to drink so that Sara can attend a party, and then steals drugs to among other things pay for math tutoring because he wants good grades.

I’m not saying Simon would jump at the chance to join the royal family, but he’d come to see the advantages, and I’m not just talking about him being with Wilhelm, but also all the good he can do. He doesn't need to be a monarchist for that.

So yes, I don’t only think Simon would be willing to become Prince Consort, but that he’d thrive once he got accustomed to the idea.

After all modern day Sweden isn’t Czarist Russia or pre-revolutionary France, you can’t just burn that shit down (and get the Soviet Union or Emperor Napoleon), because that wouldn't work and attempting so would do more harm than good. 

You need reform and systematic change, and to change a system you need to interact with it, for example from the inside, and as spouse to the Crown Prince and later King, Simon would be in the ideal position to affect that.

He doesn’t need any actual power to highlight problems and topics important to him or for people to pay attention and listen. It doesn’t always have to be Diana shaking hands with a man with aids in the 80s, it can be something as trivial as the irl second in line opening a fairytale trail in her duchy as a toddler.

What the royal family does (and doesn’t! do) gets publicity and is reported. Simon knows that. He grew up seeing it all the time.

And the people most likely to take note of what the royal family does? Those I dare say are also some of the ones who could do with a bit more exposure to the causes Simon would highlight.

Also not to be mean but give up what career? We know Simon enjoys making music and he wants to get out of small town Bjärstad, but as far as we know he has no great, specific career ambitions he’d have to give up.

I’m gonna end this with a potentially triggering and extreme example, so take care.

When the royal court announced that the irl Swedish crown princess had an eating disorder I was in junior high. I'll always feel sorry for what she had to go through so publicly and it definitely is another point on the list of why monarchies and celebrity culture are the worst, but I also cannot overstate how much good that publicity did when it came to bringing awareness to the topic of eating disorders.

Suddenly that was something that was seriously discussed as an illness by people in power and who otherwise never would have, and not just in a ‘haha those silly teenage girls wanting to look like Kate Moss’ kind of way, because it was the crown princess and not some random pop starlet, and if that can happen to someone like her, then who is to say it can’t also affect our own children etc?

We were taught about it in school, in detail, when my older cousins never were, how to recognize them, how to help, where to go for help. More, there suddenly were places to help, places that were actively advertised which hadn’t been before.

There were clinical programs being opened and awareness campaigns launched, and not just in Sweden. (I’m not saying she was the only reason, it was the late nineties, it was really, really necessary, but she was a big deciding factor when it came to the amount and speed at which things changed)

It sucks that royals and celebrities highlighting important issues can make such a difference, and I’m the first to go yell abolish all systems of inequality irl, but Simon could do a lot of good as a working royal, and he’d actually care about changing things, instead of just finding it a boring necessity like irl royals and the YR royal family including Wilhelm do, which is why I think that in a few years, given time, he would very much be willing to become part of the system if only to bring what change he can, especially when no one else can take his place and do it instead of him.

[your-astro-mami]

Hi. What placements in synastry/composite chart can indicate that as a couple you like to show off in public, post each other? Thanks.💖

Synastry:

Sun/Moon/Venus/Ascendant in the other Person's 10th House. This is the trophy placement for a synastry - the 10th house person may see the Sun/Venus person as a prize, something to be very proud of, something to show off to others, a status symbol in a way. Ascendant or Venus in the other person's 10th house may be very connected to the trophy wife trope. On the negative, there can be a hyperfixation on the Ascendant/Venus person's appearance and it could be quite vain.

Jupiter in 10th or 11th House. This might once again show that they like to show off each other - view each other as a prize. The 11th house can be even interpreted as "here is my dream person, look at him" lol. Same goes for Sun/Moon/Venus/Ascendant in the other person's 11th House. The 11th House is the house of aspirations, dreams and to have someone's planets there it may show that they represent something you want to have in life.

The 10th and 11th house are the houses that are focused on publicity, image, reputation, impression you give out to others, etc.

The 10th house is also connected to how you come off to people - who you are on social media. In synastry it can be either interpreted as people who love showing each other off or as a pair that is very career-focused, that is very focused on their long-term plans together.

I would say that generally Venus or Jupiter aspects can also be connected to a pair that love to show each other off, so any major aspects between Sun, Moon, Venus, Ascendant and Venus or Sun/Moon/Venus/Ascendant and Jupiter. Venus is focused on beauty, on status, on impressions and Jupiter is the ego, what feeds your ego and in synastry that could be another person and what they represent. Jupiter can be ostentatious so any planets connected to it of another person are likely to trigger that.

North Node in the other person's 10th/11th House or conjunct their Jupiter

So, while NN isn't necessarily connected to exposure, in synastry, if the NN of a person is in the other person's 10th or 11th house, they are likely to be very focused on their image due to the relationship. In some cases, the House person might bring a lot of attention on the NN person, put the light on them, give them popularity, so once again, it can be connected to showing someone off.

Composite:

Midheaven in Leo

Leo is the sign connected to pride, popularity, confidence and in a composite chart it can show a pair that is very proud of each other, likes to show each other off, could be very focused on their reputation. On the negative side, they can be the type of people that want to be envied by others - they like having people who are jealous of what they have.

Sun/Moon/Venus or Jupiter in the 10th House

This may show a pair that is very focused on how they come off together, they may enjoy attention so they are likely to be very public about their relationship. Moon or Jupiter in 10th may show a pair who have a lot of public drama - people may always know what is going on between them. Venus can be connected to a pair that is very proud of each other's apperance, they may want to be seen as the beautiful couple, as the aesthetic couple, etc. Matching hair, style...etc. I can see them wanting to dress like each other. Sun in 10th can show that they enjoy attention, they enjoy putting the attention on themselves, being public about their relationship.

Sun/Moon/Venus or Jupiter in the 11th House

The 11th house isn't such an attention magnet, but it can be connected to popularity, having an audience, people who aspire to be like them. And in composite this can show a couple that arises those feelings in others. They might be admired by others, have a large social media following together (if it's a mutual account). It is once again connected to viewing each other as their dream person.

North Node in the 10th or 11th House

It can show that they might be destined to be famous or receive a lot of attention together. It can be connected to a social media couple, a couple with a large social circle, a pair that is very focused on showing each other off to others. Pride can become an issue though, it can be vain at times.

Sun/Moon/Venus conjunct Jupiter

Jupiter is connected to pride, joy, confidence so in composite it can show openness, feeling happy for having each other, so it may be a sign of a pair that is very open about their relationship, may bring a lot of attention onto their relationship.

Sun/Moon/Jupiter conjuct Venus

This can show that they are likely to bring a lot of attention on each other, compliment each other or view each other as a status symbol, as something beautiful to be proud of.

Venus or Jupiter in the 1st House

May receive a lot of direct attention from others together or may put the attention on each other, show off. They can be very focused on their image, their aesthetic, their appearance together. These are often very beautiful couples and it can be once again connected to couples who like to match their hair, style, just be focused on looking good together. It is also connected to strong physical attraction, viewing each other as beautiful, so I can see them wanting to show each other off.

Ruler of the 1st House in the 10th or 11th House

This is the placement that shows that a pair is destined to be popular, show each other off, have a big social circle, be the kind of couple people look up to. Like those Pinterest and Instagram couples you see. It can show a pair that is very focused on their image together.

[autisticlee]

I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

[shock]

the topic of school gun violence is such a deep systemic issue and i can't lie and say there aren't some days I go to work at my school where I'm afraid something will happen. I have had to message my family to tell them I love them. I have sat in a locked room with children and planned for how ill get in the way if someone comes for them. The person you become when your kids in your school are threatened is a person you can't forget being, because you never forget how it feels to be ready to die any second to protect your kids.

Kids are really hurting right now. I work with middle schoolers. The last normal school year my 7th graders had was 4th grade. You transition into puberty and middle school from a screen, fearing for you life and watching your family die or get sick or lose jobs and housing and everything that makes life worth living...

you don't learn physical boundaries when you aren't on the playground learning real time how to treat people. You have an entire generation of kids that doesn't know the difference between playing and physical aggression. On a near daily basis I am teaching teenagers that they can kill their friends with the headlock they're putting them in, I'm seeing kids not know when to stop, there is no stopping, play fighting becomes real fighting because there is no other out except to finish it when you have no ability to self-regulate.

We had a circle of kids today talking about what the phrase "go touch some grass" meant to them. It's not a meme to kids this age. One of the kids said, "I didn't do anything. I was afraid to go outside. I thought I would get sick and die. I still get scared." Theu didn't see their closest friends for over 2 years. Social workers, counselors, teachers, childhood friends, no one was able to reach them for years. They didn't have cameras on, zoom is a trigger for kids, it's nothing like an online uni class, it's a graveyard.

You leave everything behind in 4th grade and spend the next three years of your life changing dramatically and seeing that change in everyone else from a screen. You can block anyone, you can ignore everything, you become numb to consequences that lead to better behavior and compassion we take for granted. Conflict resolution looks like blocking and never having to address it. These kids cannot fathom resolving a conflict with words. They can't even describe what emotions they're feeling, but they can feel the soul-deep frustration at not having that ability. They are trapped and powerless in a body that is bigger and stronger than it was in 4th grade with none of the tools to regulate anything. More than ever I see kids acting on impulse on a way that is beyond normal. I am seeing dissociative patterns in almost every student I meet. Most of them have taken all year to even understand why certain things make them do certain things.

This year alone I've been punched in the head, face, eyes, you name it by kids who can't see what's in front of them acting on blind rage that should never have to exist in an entire group of people, ive been recorded by kids i knew and talked to every day breaking up a fight like they didn't know who I was and it was a spectacle to watch because they can turn their brains off as a traumatic response to repeated exposure and to them this is how life is, I've been thrown to the ground & nearly hit by a car breaking up kids who took it into the street with intent to kill, had kids bleeding in my office from head wounds they got from accidentally hitting someone with a ball, ive put kids in ambulances, we've been on lockdown, we've had high schoolers break in and attack 12 year olds because they dont know how to solve conflicts without the highest extreme either, kids are hurting. They need so much help right now. Being a kid right now is a traumatic event. Not a single kid I work with is living in a non-traumatic event. It is happening all the time.

The pandemic has destroyed so much for everyone but to our kids the pandemic is their only measure of reality. The post-present-pandemic has created a generation of trauma and loss of education. Be here for our kids more than anything, our future is with them and they need so, so, so much love right now, and it's love they think they don't deserve, it's love that they're resistant to getting, they have no trust for any system or person or each other because every single thing has failed them. Their reality is trauma they are more powerless than anyone to change. They can see everything and only react. Being a kid is a traumatic event, please love these kids. They think that this world doesn't love them and they are so, so far away right now, but they're still able to come back. I'm seeing it real-time. These kids need to be reached before they can't come back, make the safety and love for kids a priority. Hope is being lost on them and their reality is a nightmare.

They won't be kind to you. They won't trust you. They won't let you in and they are in survival mode. And they still need you. They need to know where the bar should be for how they're treated and they need to know what they're worth now more than ever. They're worth the world and more.

[ellewritesandrants]

I know a few people have done the Billy has an allergy AU but here’s my take on it. Just a warning that I have no experience with peanut allergies, only seasonal based ones so I may not have the most accurate interpretation of it.

Billy Hargrove’s always been just lucky enough to count his blessings but never lucky enough to consider himself blessed. Case in point, his mom left him but he still had his dad. However, his dad was an abusive piece of shit who didn’t believe in anything science said which meant that every time he got sick after his mom left, the only thing he had to heal him was the power of prayer.

Neil was the kind of bastard who believed that him getting sick was a punishment for being bad so Billy didn’t get to take any rest days, didn’t get to take any medicine unless it was in secret and he didn’t even get to go to the doctor unless he absolutely had to and even then, it was a battle and half before, during and after.

Neil was also the kind of bastard to believe that allergies didn’t exist and that they could be trained away if Billy wasn’t such a pansy. From the moment his 1st grade teacher sent him home with a note about an allergic reaction he had to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich his mom had packed him, Billy had been doomed to a life of exposure therapy, with Neil going so far as to use it as his favorite form of punishment. It might have even worked had it been done right but the way Neil weaponized his allergy made it into a form of torture instead.

When Susan and Max came into his life, Neil was quick to say that peanut butter was one of Billy’s favorite spreads and that he loved peanuts. Every time Susan made something with peanut butter, Billy had to be polite and respectful. He had to eat his portion to respect the effort Susan had put in even if it made his eyes itch and his throat swell. Billy was just lucky that it wasn’t deadly or else he’d have long been gone.

Billy had gotten used to it, even daring to find some tricks that helped it be easier for him to deal with it but unlike the others, he never outgrew his allergy even with his somewhat constant exposure to peanuts. Over time, it never got any easier but life had to go on.

All in all, if asked, Billy would say he has a pretty good handle on it on a day to day basis. He managed to avoid them whenever possible outside of the house and he lives after every time Neil forces him to finish whatever peanut butter filled abomination Susan made for dessert under the guise of pleasing everyone since Max unironically loved anything peanut.

Things got a lot easier when he was able to move out and support himself because even if he was poor, at least he didn’t have to be in pain anymore. He even managed to cook all of his own meals now that he had control so he wouldn’t trigger his allergies. When he and Steve had moved in together, he’d made sure to take over cooking and Steve never noticed the lack of anything peanut related in their house since Billy also did the grocery shopping.

Billy had never felt the need to tell anyone else about his allergies because he was able to avoid it anyway plus Neil would tan his hide if Billy spread that he had an allergy like a wimp. Even after he moved out, he just graciously accepted whatever peanut filled thing was given to him, all too used to pretending he didn’t feel his throat swell and his heart start to pound.

It had been a good year and a half since he moved out and for the first time in a long time, he hadn’t had his allergies triggered. He was feeling good and happy and with his birthday coming up and with Neil long gone out of town, Billy was looking forward to it for once.

It all came crashing down as soon as he had his first bite of the cake. Steve and Joyce had gone all out, even deciding to bake the cake instead of buying it. Billy could taste the staggering amount of peanuts crammed into the cake and the sheer amount had his allergic reaction going on overdrive.

He didn’t have the time to control his choking or gasping for breath and be could only watch as the faces of joy and laughter turned into terror and panic. He could vaguely hear Joyce asking Will to get his Epipen but even that was fading in and out. His ears were buzzing and his head was spinning. He hadn’t had such a bad allergic reaction in years and of course, it would be to a homemade cake made by the people he loved who had no idea about his allergy.

Thankfully, he was just lucky enough to survive even with them bringing him to the hospital as soon as possible. The EpiPen Will had gotten had possibly saved him from going into anaphylactic shock and Billy had woken up to a completely filled hospital room full of worried and tired faces.

“Mom, look! Billy’s awake!” Will exclaimed.

Joyce startled awake, clutching his hand, tears building in her eyes.

“Thank God you’re alright, Billy.”

“How long was I out?”

A warm hand fell to his shoulder but it was a familiar warmth.

“It was just a day but you had us all worried, son.” Hopper said.

“Why?”

“Why? You almost died, Billy. If Will hadn’t gotten his EpiPen when he did, you might’ve been dead. Why did you tell us you had a peanut allergy, babe? Especially one this bad.”

“Neil believes that allergies are for pansies and that you can train them away with constant exposure so he told Susan and Max that I loved peanuts.”

“That fucking bastard!” Joyce snarled.

“What? How did you get through mom’s desserts then?” Max wondered out loud.

“Ice water, a prayer and a few tricks from some books I read. I haven’t triggered it in a year or so since I moved out so it must’ve been detrained or something.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works, babe.”

“Well, we won’t know until I ask the doctor. When’d they say that I’d be free to go home?”

“The doctor said you could go today if they finish running the last few tests to make sure you’re fully recovered, but not without an EpiPen of your own.”

“It’s not like it was my choice, Joyce!”

“Still! That Neil Hargrove better stay away from me because the next time I see him, I’ll give him a good kick in the balls and see how he likes that.” Joyce declared.

“And I’ll pretend I heard nothing. Now, I don’t think this was the birthday you were hoping for but once you’re free, we can have a do-over. Does that sound good to you, Billy?” Hopper asked.

“Sure! I’d never say no to another party.”

“Yeah, but this time peanuts are strictly banned. Out of curiosity, is there anything else that you’re allergic to?”

“Well, I don’t really do all that well with dairy if you get my drift. Sometimes, gluten makes my stomach hurt so I tend to eat pretty healthy as a result.”

“We’ll take note of that for the party. Focus on your recovery for now, baby. Don’t think I can’t see you struggling to keep your eyes open. Go to sleep, Billy. We’ll all still be here when you wake up.”

“M’kay. Love you and everyone too. Thanks for being here.”

While Billy is asleep, every peanut product in the Byer-Hopper and Hargrove-Harrington household was summarily thrown out by the Party and Steve put Dustin to work researching gluten free and dairy free recipes for the party they’d be throwing. Everyone was once again made aware of everyone’s allergies just to make sure they didn’t accidentally trigger anyone else.

The party was a huge success and Billy found out what it was like to have a family that cared enough to take his allergies into consideration and to find people who wanted him to be happy and healthy even if it meant they’d have to do more work for it. For once, Billy felt loved and treasured and cared for by the people that surrounded him and he couldn’t be any happier.

[purple-plum-petals]

—⊱ Unforeseen Assistance ⊰ || Leona Kingscholar x Reader

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮       Character(s): Leona Kingscholar (Twisted Wonderland), Dire Crowley (Twisted Wonderland, mentioned)       Reader Type: Human, Ramshackle Prefect (Gender-Neutral Pronouns)       Warning(s): Slight Claustrophobia Trigger Warning (Brief Description of a Cramped Room), Dire Crowley Slander, Use of Japanese TWST Terms (Dorm Leader instead of Housewarden, etc.)       Genre: Drabble, Fluff, Platonic or Romantic Relationship       Word Count: ~2,500 words       Prompt: “you wanna cuddle, or some shit?” “I guess, seeing as we’re already here…” [Prompt List]       Author’s Note: I never would have thought, not even in 1000 years, that I would write anything for this bastard-man… but here we are, I guess. I read this prompt and it immediately just screamed Leona to me so I had to write it. Here you go Savannaclaw lovers and Leona simps – come get y’alls juice cause this will probably be one of the rare times I write for him lol.

→ If you enjoyed my work, please reblog it if you can! Exposure on Tumblr is based on reblogging content rather than liking it, so your support would be much appreciated!  ♡ ╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

             You know, when Crowley told Leona to show you where the spare room containing the old papers that he needed to be retrieved were, you had kind of expected that you’d be getting some help finding said documents. They were apparently located in an old building a decent walk away from the main campus and Crowley just simply “didn’t have the time” to fetch them himself. However, it was completely your fault for expecting Leona of all people to lend a helping hand in the situation, and yet you still found yourself shocked by his lack of assistance in the matter.

             You were currently knelt down in front of an old, rusty filing cabinet as you pulled the handle desperately in the hopes it would open up. The room was filled with them and, if every single one was going to be as difficult to open as the one you were currently trying to crack, this was going to take a lot longer than you were hoping it would. The thick dust on every surface and the slightly musty air weren’t doing much to make you feel better, either.

            “Hey Leona, do you think you could help me out over here?” You said, looking over your shoulder to stare at Leona who had made himself comfortable on the sofa that was pushed to the side of the room. His legs were stretched out over the loveseat and crossed at the ankle; one arm was bent behind his head and the other was holding a small throw pillow tightly against his chest. At the sound of your voice, he opened one of his eyes and glanced in your direction, his strikingly green emerald eyes staring you down in a way that – at least in the past – would have had you shivering in fear. Despite your overall view of the Savanaclaw dorm leader, you had to admit he was a very beautiful man.

             Leona simply scoffed at your question, rolling his eyes before asking, “Why? Crowley asked you to do this, not me – I’m just here to let you in and make sure the place is locked up afterwards.”

             “I mean, I guess… but I’d be out of your hair a lot faster if you gave me a hand.” You said, rolling your eyes in return before turning back around to continue trying to open the filing cabinet. Well, so much for trying to reason with him.

             You heard him chuckle lightly before saying, “Nice try, herbivore, but not happening. I’ll just take a nap in the meantime – tell me whenever you’re done doing whatever it is you’re doing.”

             “Hmph…” Was all you managed to say before Leona’s snores began traveling throughout the room like a melody, albeit a very annoying one. After another minute or two, you had finally managed to open the drawer and began rummaging through all the old files. Sadly, none of the papers this cabinet contained were any of the ones you were looking for. Ugh – life just couldn’t be easy, could it?

             More time passed, but you weren’t sure how much since the room had no windows to let you know where the sun was currently located in the sky. However, if you were to guess, it had probably been a full hour of fruitless searching. Your legs were tired from squatting down for so long and your hands were raw from trying to rip all of the drawers from their hinges, so you decided it was best to go outside and get some fresh air. You know, take a little break before continuing your search. However, when you grabbed the doorknob and pulled the door that would have freed you from the cramped room, it didn’t budge. You tried doing it a few more times in the hopes that maybe it was just a bit rusted, but nothing happened.

            “Hey, uh… Leona?” You said aloud, turning to look at the dorm leader that stirred awake from his cat nap at the sound of your voice. Leona normally wouldn’t have woken up so quickly if it wasn’t for the slight tone of distress in the words you spoke. Did you manage to hurt yourself or something? You weren’t the most graceful person on campus and always managed to find yourself in some kind of trouble, so it wasn’t too farfetched of a thought.

             “Ugh, what? I was trying to sleep.” Leona replied, sounding annoyed at the fact you had woken him up from his slumber. You had no clue why he slept so much – it wasn’t like he needed any more beauty sleep considering how often he took naps throughout the day. Oh, how you envied him; you wished you could get as much rest as he did in a single afternoon.

             Ignoring the tone he took with you in favor of getting the problem solved so you go back to your dorm and finish your homework, you pointed over your shoulder at the door and uttered out, “The, umm… the door’s locked.”

             Leona was silent for a moment before breathing out a simple ineloquent, “What?”

             You huffed at him, exhaustion creeping into your bones as you exclaimed, “I can’t get it open! Do you have the key?”

             “Yeah, but not like is going to help us get out from the inside.” Leona told you, turning to lie on his side as he held his head up in one hand. He smirked at you slightly, seeming to enjoy your current state of frustration. You didn’t get angry very often, so it was quite the sight whenever you did. He found you to be very adorable entertaining whenever you became like this; you were like a small kitten throwing a temper tantrum because they didn’t get enough food at feeding time.

             “Ugh… of course this would happen! All I just wanted to get this over with so Crowley would stop bothering me about it!” You yelled out, standing in front of the door and giving it a harsh kick in retaliation for keeping you trapped in here with Leona of all people! You wanted to cry so, so horribly. All you wanted was to go back to your dorm and finish your homework for Trein’s class, but now you weren’t even going to be able to do that!

             Before you could continue spiraling into more and more negative thoughts, Leona told you as he made himself comfortable on the sofa, “Well, there’s nothing we can do right now – guess we’ll just wait for someone to come find us.”

             “And how long, exactly, do you think that will be? I have other things to do, you know!” You snapped, instantly regretting it as soon as the words left your mouth. Sure, Leona wasn’t much help during this whole fiasco, but it’s not like he was the one who assigned you another task to do despite knowing how much pressure you were under. No, that was all on Crowley. One day you’d give that bird-brained headmaster a piece of your mind.

             Leona didn’t say anything about your sudden outburst, simply huffing and telling you, “Don’t know, don’t care.”

             You were quiet for a moment before you turned towards the door, pounding on it with closed fists as you yelled out, “Hello? Is anyone out there! Please help – we’re stuck in here!”

             “Shut it – no one even comes this way until morning. Now stop shouting, you’re giving me a headache.” Leona told you with a slight growl, sending a glare in your direction. He watched as your shoulders deflated and how every hit that made contact with the wooden door lost its vigor.

            It was a… strange feeling seeing you of all people give up; he’d never say it aloud, but your perseverance was something he truly admired about you. That, no matter how many times you were undermined or disrespected, you kept going and proved to everyone on campus that you deserved to be at NRC with or without magic. After a moment or two, Leona asked you, “…You just going to keep standing there?”

             “...And what do you expect me to do in a situation like this?” You asked in return, wiping your eyes with the sleeve of your uniform before turning around to see Leona looking at you with an expression you couldn’t quite place your finger on. Concern? Pity? You weren’t sure what emotion was currently swirling around in those green eyes of his.

             “I don’t know – maybe lay down?” He said as if it was the most obvious thing to do at the moment.

             You smiled slightly, turning around and leaning against the door as you told him, “Can’t do that when you’re taking up the entire couch, you know?”

             “Then do you wanna cuddle or some shit? These pillows are so uncomfortable that I’m sure even you would make a better one.” Leona replied, picking up one of the throw pillows and tossing it across the room behind one of the many filing cabinets. You watched as the pillow hit the ground, sending a comedic puff of dust in the air that made that side of the room look as though a small explosion had gone off.

             You laughed at the action, your eyes closing for a moment and missing the smile Leona sent in your direction. After you calmed down a bit, you uttered aloud, “I mean… I guess, seeing as we’re already here – I have nothing else to lose at this point.”

             “Good – now sit down and let me borrow your lap.” Leona said, lifting his torso off of the couch so you could sit down. Once you were comfortable, Leona laid back down so his head was resting comfortably on your thighs before nuzzling lightly into your stomach.

            Your face burned at the action and you closed your eyes, trying to control your breathing in the hopes that Leona didn’t notice your current state (he did). You muttered out, mortification filling your bones as you said, “…Well, there goes my dignity.”

             “Quiet. Just go to sleep – you’re easier to put up with when you’re not talking.” Leona told you, taking one of his hands and pushing your shoulder back gently as if he was encouraging you to lie back on the surprisingly soft cushions of the loveseat and finally get some well-deserved rest.

             You closed your eyes after a moment or two, listening to the rhythmic breathing of Leona who was comfortably lying in your lap. Your hand found its way into his surprisingly soft locks as you ran your fingers through it. His hair felt akin to fine silk, and you found the feeling of it on your skin to be especially soothing. You continued playing with Leona’s hair until, eventually, sleep overtook your senses and you drifted away from reality.

             You woke up several hours later lying across the sofa with Leona’s golden vest draped over you like a blanket and a strangely dust-free pillow under your head. Strange – Leona’s vest but no Leona? You sat up slowly, rubbing your eyes as you looked around the room. Eventually you spotted the beastman you had been searching for sitting on the ground as he organized a stack of papers next to him.

            “Mhmm? Leona? What time is it?” You watched as his ears flicked at your question, your voice telling him that you had finally woken up. He turned to look at you, taking in your disheveled appearance with a slight smirk. Your cheeks heated up at his gaze and you found yourself pouting slightly at the look on his face. Ugh – not even your closest friends haven’t seen you this much of a mess!

             “Don’t know – morning.” Was all he told you before returning to sorting through the documents laid out in front of him.

             “Has anyone come by yet?” You asked, tenderly removing his vest from your person before folding it and standing up to crack your back. The couch was soft, sure, but it wasn’t the best thing to sleep on for extended periods of time.

             “Hmm? Oh, yeah – they unlocked the door a little bit ago.” Leona told you blankly, grabbing the stack of papers in his hands before jogging them against the old wooden floorboards.

             You exclaimed, shocked at the fact you were now probably late for your classes because Leona decided to let you sleep in instead, “And you didn’t wake me up!?”

             “You looked like you needed the sleep – you kind of looked like shit.” He told you, a slight smirk on his face as he stood up and placed the newly organized papers on one of the desks alongside multiple others. Leona walked over to your smaller form and flicked you lightly in the forehead, taking the moment to retrieve his vest from your arms before throwing it back on. You flinched back at the sudden action, your hands flying up to cover where Leona had tapped you as his laughter flittered around the room.

             You huffed out, glaring up at him weakly as you said, “Wow, you have such a way with words…”

Your gaze traveled to the large stacks of papers in front of you, a sigh escaping past your lips as you grumbled, “Great, now I have to carry these all the way to Crowley’s office… wait, what are you doing?”

You watched as Leona effortlessly picked up multiple stacks of papers and held them in his arms with ease, only one left remaining on the oak desk before you. He looked at you, one of his eyebrows raised at your question before he asked you, “What’s it look like? I’m carrying them, obviously. You need to get your eyes checked or something?”

             “N-No, just wasn’t… expecting you to help, is all.” You said truthfully, grabbing the last pile of documents and scurrying after Leona as you finally made your way out of that horrible room. After the place was locked back up, the two of you began making your way back to campus. Eventually, the silence was broken with a giggle from you as you asked him, “Since when were you so helpful? Do you have a soft spot for me or something, Kingscholar?”

             “Watch it, herbivore. I just didn’t want to watch you pathetically attempt to carry all of these back to that deadbeat’s office, is all. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.” He told you with a light growl, speeding up his stride as he easily made a good amount of distance from you with those long legs of his.

             You laughed lightly, the sound making Leona’s heartbeat quicken much to his dismay; that was something he’d probably have to dig up later – not right now, though. You raced to walk side-by-side with him, your laughter echoing around the empty campus and your body feeling lighter than it had been. After you finally caught up to him and stopped snickering, you said sincerely with a warm smile adorned across your face, “Thank you, Leona – I appreciate it.”

             He scoffed lightly, trying to hide the lightness in his voice as he said, “Hmph, whatever.”

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

[starry-blue-echoes]

Headcanon? Or is it literal canon?

But definitely, after a battle with the pillarmen, literal gods who feed on human, Joseph has developed PTSD (because of the rings in his body and after fights). Not only is he twitchy and anxious at first, getting triggers and panic attacks, he checks in on his family periodically. Speedwagon and Susie know what he's been through. None of the three didn't get act together. to explain to Erina what has happened to her grandson this month. His body still hurts, he looks bitterly at the stump of his arm, moving a robotic version of it. Joseph looks at Susie, seeing the remaining scars from Esidisi's brain on her, and his brain servilely throws up nauseating memories of red living brain tendrils dripping blood, the pulsing brain itself, and followed by Kars' transformations, among which were huge purple tentacles trying to stop JoJo. Perhaps he was mentally and physically traumatized by them?

It only gets worse for JoJo as he discovers his stand.

Purple Vines.

Damn transparent tentacles with spikes cover his arm.

Joseph doesn't understand anything and can't believe what's happening. He feels nauseous and panic building up. He shakes his hand to get rid of the purple vines.

It doesn't get any better when Susie walks into his room and finds her husband in the corner. She tells him that she can't see the tentacles on his arm, but she also tries not to say that it's a hallucination, because she seems to feel the touch.

As Susie strokes Joseph's face against her chest and he tries to catch her breath, she tries to figure out what is going on and how to help with it.

yeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESYESYESYESYES ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST

I AM A SUCKER FOR TRAUMATIZED JOSEPH SO I AM ABSOLUTELY EATING THIS UP

Oh my god I didn’t even think of how much Hermit Purple would frighten Joseph at first. These thorny vines covering his arms, wrapping and coiling and no matter what he does they won’t come off

And I’m not sure if Suzie being with him would make him feel better or worse. On one hand he desperately wants comfort and someone grounding him, but on the other the realization that she can’t see them is terrifying. Has he finally lost it? After all these years of nightmares and fears has he finally snapped?

it would probably take a decent amount of time before Joseph would be okay with Hermit Purple. There would definitely need to be some kind of mental separation, maybe something like pointedly thinking of them like “vines” and not “tentacles”, and definitely a lot of working with them kinda like a sort of exposure therapy. And of course Suzie was with him every step of the way, ready to help him however he needed it

[cenobittten]

Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime - Theory

Yes, I said it. Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime, even above Poppy. And that’s because he isn’t the Prototype, he’s a traumatised toy with a desire for revenge. 

Let’s backtrack for a second.

I believe that Ollie is an unseen ally, as opposed to the double-crossing villain many believe him to be. Given that Poppy hates the Prototype, it would make no sense for her to work with Ollie or speak so highly of him if he was working with the Prototype. Her dialogue lends itself to the idea that she knows him personally. After all, she credits Ollie with finding the player character so unless he’s betraying Poppy, it makes more sense for him to be friendly.

But if he’s friendly, who is he? 

Judging by the voice we hear, the first conclusion we might leap to is that he is a child. After all, his voice sounds young and high pitched. However, this idea does not hold up to scrutiny. The last orphan would have entered sometime before the Hour of Joy 1995. At least 10 years have passed since that point meaning that any orphan old enough to survive the fall would have grown up to at least puberty by the time of the games.  

So how is Ollie alive? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he has to be a toy. We know already that toys like Poppy can survive with no food or other sustenance, which means this tracks. (After all, Poppy was locked in a closet until the player character got there)

Some other evidence: It’s also possible that Ollie is the voice over character on the trailer for Project Playtime Forsaken phase. In this, the voice suggests they are just a ‘Wayward toy’.

However, why does Ollie sound like a child still? Well, the answer here relies on biology. Given the difference in size between a child and a typical non-BBI toy, it’s safe to say that not all organs are transferred during the toy creation process. Therefore, it’s possible that Ollie’s new body lacks the hormonal and pituitary systems required to trigger puberty and his voice lowering. 

So what makes him the most tragic character? Well, to figure that out, we have to consider the life he must have lived. After finding himself orphaned, Ollie was sent to live an isolated life in the Playcare facility. Living underground, he was deprived of sunlight and contact with the outside world and, via the Red Smoke, was subjected to horrific nightmares every night. Then one day he was selected for the experiments, likely experiencing incredibly painful and dysphoric symptoms as he adapted to his new body. He began life as a toy, aging and gaining experience but his vocabulary stilted by his lack of exposure to the outside world. Yet, that wasn’t the end of his troubles. Just when you thought things couldn’t get anymore nightmarish, the Hour of Joy came. The toys rebelled, vanquishing the humans who controlled them. Yet the joy was short lived. The factory descended into chaos, with many toys turning on each other as food became more scarce. Over time, many of the toys let their feral instincts take over, becoming beast-like predators with little semblance of humanity left.

But not Ollie.

Ollie managed to resist the urge to let his hunger take reign, instead searching the factory to find other souls who, like him, wanted to get revenge on the prototype and those who made him what he was. He joined the resistance, teaming up with Poppy and Kissy to seek out one of - if not the only - living employees left to enact their plans. And then, I suspect he worked within the security office watching the cameras, helping the protagonist to make his way through the factory. 

So, if Ollie is a toy, he’s a freaking badass one. 

[anentomologist]

Cool Bug Facts #1

The long Sleep of the Sleeping Chironomid, Polypedilum vanderplanki:

On the surface, there's nothing too interesting about this fly. It's a tiny little non-biting midge that exclusively lays their eggs in tiny little puddles that form in a hollow on a rock in Northern Nigeria and nearby areas (one of the original papers claims it was found in Ghana, but I suspect this was a mistake. gBIF (a repository of data of collected and observed organisms) has occurrence records from Burkina Faso, Nigeria (and Japan, but those were grown in captivity)).

As you can imagine, life as a larva in a tiny puddle formed in a hollow on a rock is pretty unstable. One moment you're swimming around having the time of your life and the next moment you're getting up close and personal with the evaporation stage of the water cycle.

Since this would automatically kill any larva not about to burst into fly form like Clark Kent turning into superman (an incredibly accurate description of pupation), they had to figure out something else, and so they unlocked... hmmm... what's the opposite of going super saiyan?

Oh, yeah: anhydrobiosis- extreme desiccation tolerance

They can get so dried up they're only like 3% water (a fact that would be more interesting if I could tell you the original % water they were. Some caterpillars are around 75% water, so let's say somewhere around there.)

This is super extreme! These flies (and possibly a related species, Polypedium pembai) are the only insects known to go through anhydrobiosis, although other animals, including nematodes and tardegradies have been observed doing something similar.

(In fact nematodes and some protists were found in the same sample)

No only that, but they can survive in their dried-up form for as long as 17 years, can be reanimated and then dried again as many as 10 times, can survive in temperatures from -270 to 102 degrees celsius, and can survive being immersed in ethanol, glycerol, liquid helium and liquid nitrogen.

But how do we know all this?

Well.... surprise! It was a white dude, J. E. Vanderplank ("Maverick and Innovator"). Vanderplank was born in what is now South Africa and was a botanist who was really into potatoes. He must have been wandering around Northern Nigeria when he noticed the interesting flies and decided to send them off to his entomologist friend, H. E. Hinton.

Hinton then tested the hell out of the larva, leading to many of the facts above, published in three papers about the insects (which I can no longer access because I no longer have institutional access but if you do you can find it here).

Somehow after Hinton, the flies found their way to the National Institute of Agrobiological Sciences where they were honored with their own working group.

There, researchers continued Hinton's work, finding the hows and whys of the extreme survival. They found that exposure to high salinity- as happened when the puddles started drying up- triggered the insects to rapidly synthesize trehalose, a simple sugar commonly found in hemolymph (insect blood). The trehalose was found to mimic water enough to ensure survival during the periods of anhydrobiosis.

The research group also discovered that P. vanderplanki has one of the smallest genomes among insects.

It is estimated that 2-30 million species of insects exist but fewer than 1 million have been described (written about in the scientific literature). Very small insects and insects from non-Europe and non-the US are frequently overlooked, so there are probably many more anhyrobiotic and other insects that can survive extreme conditions that haven't been discovered yet. Hopefully entomologists will be able to get to them before they're driven to extinction.

References:

Hinton HE (1960). "A fly larva that tolerates dehydration and temperatures of -270°C to +102°C". Nature. 188 (4747): 336–337. Bibcode:1960Natur.188..336H. doi:10.1038/188336a0. S2CID 4260914.

Kikawada, Takahiro; et al. (2005). "Factors Inducing Successful Anhydrobiosis in the African Chironomid Polypedilum vanderplanki: Significance of the Larval Tubular Nest". Integrative and Comparative Biology. 45 (5): 710–714. doi:10.1093/icb/45.5.710. PMID 21676821.

Sakurai, M; Furuki, T; Akao, K; Tanaka, D; Nakahara, Y; Kikawada, T; Watanabe, M; Okuda, T (2008). "Vitrification is essential for anhydrobiosis in an African chironomid, Polypedilum vanderplanki". PNAS. 105 (13): 5093–5098. Bibcode:2008PNAS..105.5093S. doi:10.1073/pnas.0706197105. PMC 2278217. PMID 18362351.

Gusev, O; Cornette, R; Kikawada, T; Okuda, T (2011). "Expression of heat shock protein-coding genes associated with anhydrobiosis in an African chironomid Polypedilum vanderplanki". Cell Stress and Chaperones. 16 (1): 81–90. doi:10.1007/s12192-010-0223-9. PMC 3024092. PMID 20809134.

Zadoks, J. C., & Schein, R. D. (1988). James Edward Vanderplank: Maverick* and Innovator. Annual Review of Phytopathology, 26(1), 31-37.

[avoidantrecovery]

My takeaway from reading about internal family systems

Since I finished listening to the "No Bad Parts" audiobook by Richard Schwartz, I thought I should write a little about it.

First of all my general impression. What I like about Internal Family Systems is that it is trauma-informed, mindful and generally helps you see what you think of as your flaws, as your helpers. No criticizing, no exposure to fears, no mastering or improving or practicing. Just "hey, you're feeling XYZ about this, lets take a closer look. Maybe it's trying to tell us something about what needs healing. Maybe we can help solve it. I'm not a professional, so this takeaway is from someone just looking for help herself.

IFS is based on the idea that everybody has "parts", though this is not about DID or multiple personality, although the author does say a couple things about that too. Instead it's about that feeling you sometimes have, let's say you want to workout and a part of you genuinely wants to go outside, but another part of you wants to sit on the couch and relax. It feels like two parts of you that want different things, although they are both part of you, right?

Well, IFS says that as humans we have many such parts that exist in us and these parts can be influenced (or burdened) by the trauma we experience. Those burdened parts can then go on to influence our behavior, for example when we are triggered. I was a bit discouraged by this when I first read it tbh, because it sounded to woowoo for me. But at the same time it also made a lot of sense, I often feel like there are semi-independent parts of me that sometimes take over from me even though I go on to regret it. Like when I overshare, I know I'm making a mistake but I can't stop myself. Or when I procrastinate/self-sabotage, even tough I really want to do this thing.

I have found another similar description for parts being neural pathways, habits or (in the case of mental health/trauma) coping mechanisms. Other psychologists use terms like inner critic or inner child for this, the concepts are definitely similar. But I do think the idea/concept of parts is unique and thus offers a unique path to possible healing.

Parts

IFS divides the parts into roughly three types, although subtypes and hybrids have been coined too:

exiles - these are parts that we have "cut out" from us because they represent something that elicits shame, anxiety, etc... and are likely to trigger us. In other words, trauma wounds, inner children, etc...

managers - manager parts try to keep the exiles away from us and influence the way we interact with the world. their role is protective and preemptive. they are often also described as inner critics, but don't have to be harsh. i would also say, they make us employ masks to get through life.

firefighters - these parts are essentially panic buttons. they are the parts that appear when an exile somehow manages to come to the surface. they make us use extreme and detrimental behavior in order to soothe us, and make the exiles retreat again. think any kind of addictive and self-sabotaging behavior.

You'll often see the word protector used as well, it's simply a word forth both, managers and firefighters.

The Self

The Self is a something (not a part) that exists in all of us, but can be obscured or influenced by parts. But it is essentially that crystal clear entity within us that simply exists and that is essentially always good. Everyone has one always, it does not need to be created or trained, simply tapped into. Schwartz describes it as having the 8 Cs:

Curiosity.

Compassion.

Clarity.

Connectedness.

Creativity.

Courage.

Confidence.

Calm.

At it's best the Self is able to communicate between parts, help them heal (become unburdened) and creates a warm, happy, healthy feeling within you. At it's worst, it can become blended with parts, and appear as a harsh inner critic as well. In this case, it needs to be unblended from possible managers that have bound onto it before tapping into it.

***

In IFS you are encouraged to map your parts, meaning figure out what parts you might have formed, and what brings them to the surface. And then communicate (preferably with the help of a therapist who guides/keeps you safe) between them in order to figure out what a manager might be protecting you from. Or what the exile might be burdened with. After that one resolves the old trauma and frees the parts to disappear or do other things.

I find this approach very interesting, as it's been the most helpful tool I've learned in the last couple of months or even years. I haven't been able to map out everything, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere in terms of really figuring out exactly where my behaviors come from and what I need to tackle in order to finally heal. I don't feel like I have to fight against myself, or attack myself or punish myself in order to make progress. There is an aspect of mindfulness with each step, even when you fail or feel like you're not doing it right. Even the negative feelings/reactions/memories I have just feel like guideposts to where I have to look. It's far more effective, because I'm less likely to give up in frustration. And as someone who has been dissociated for years essentially, it leads me closer back to the real me, if that makes sense. And in a loving way too, not just acceptance that I'm shit lol.

Like when I feel "lazy" and can't do a certain task, I know it's likely just a "part" that is trying to keep me from doing said task for some reason. So I ask myself why does this task in particular make me procrastinate? Oh it's because it has something to do with what my dad did/said about me 10 or 20 years ago. So then I root around for a possible exile. Oh it's 14 yr old me, feeling fucked up and ashamed because she didn't measure up to some arbitrary and impossible goal set up by my dad. She is in her room alone and feels deep shame about not being enough. Ah because my task is related to possibly failing (not being enough), a manager is trying to keep that shame-filled exile from coming to the surface. So I (the Self) can then negotiate with the manager about this, how I'm older now, I definitely am I enough, and even if I make a mistake/fail it's fine, etc... if the manager believes this, it relaxes, stops being so harsh. After that I can communicate with the exile (inner child) as well. Tell her that she mustn't be scared of not being enough, how I know many things now, how my dad was wrong, how it's okay to make mistakes, etc etc... And then hopefully that resolves the burdens and frees up the parts, leaving me feeling better. There are many meditations one can do in order to free them, like taking the inner child to a nicer better place, etc... some are described in the book as well.

I do wonder how effective this will be with helping me with AvPD, but so far I'm at least making baby steps. If you've read this far wow, thanks so much, I hope this helps you too!