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rogueonestan · 3 years

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ch 18 -“‘til our paths cross.”

pairing: the mandalorian (din djarin) x f!reader / ofc

word count: 8.3k

summary: after learning the one thing you have kept as a secret, din reflects on the time he has spent with you. in doing so, he comes to a conclusion that will forever change your paths.

a/n: hi im back with another update a month later. i tried uploading this last week but tumblr was acting funny so i wanted to wait a little bit until i tried posting it again. hope you enjoy!

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The dead silence in the Crest isn’t enough to put a stop to the thoughts that are currently going through Din’s mind.

He almost forgot how much he can no longer stand the silence. It’s something he got used to for such a long time. Nearly every night was filled with dead silence, but now not a day has passed without any noise thanks to you and the kid- not that he’s complaining. If only that were the case right now.

Even when his head is spinning with thought after thought, the only thing Din can focus on at the moment is the humming of hyperspace. He thought that being alone is exactly what he needed, but it isn’t helping the slightest. Usually being alone helped Din sort through his thoughts in the past, distracting himself by getting away from everything, but not this time.

It reminds him of a time when his afternoons were spent like this. He’s gotten so used to his days being filled with noise that he forgot what it was like to be in complete silence, and it’s something he hasn’t missed in the slightest. This should be the perfect place for Din to clear his head, but it isn’t. As hard as he tries, he can’t seem to process everything that has happened in the past day or so. When you returned back to the Crest after everything that happened on Nevarro, Din’s first instinct was to be alone with his thoughts, thanks to his old habits. He can’t focus on what he’s thinking longer than for a minute- so much is on his mind as the ship is in transit. Everything had changed just by one afternoon spent in the cantina that the two of you had grown so familiar with. One moment you’re trying to lure an ex-Imperial officer to his death and the next, you’re trying to survive a shootout.

Then the next thing Din knows, he finds out that you’re considered to be an enemy. A Jedi.

He doesn’t even know what it means to be a Jedi, or even what a Jedi is, but based on what the Armorer told him, it sounded like they’re the enemy of his people.

He feels as conflicted now as he did then.

Even though you don’t consider yourself to be a Jedi anymore, you still knew about the strange abilities the kid has and didn’t mention anything to him about it. You even recognized what species the child was when you found him and still didn’t mention anything.

The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has.

Why didn’t you ever mention anything about the Jedi? Did you not trust him enough? Or was it something you weren’t proud of?

You were never one to shy away from reminiscing about your past. You’ve told Din plenty of tales from your childhood, and even when the galaxy was at war, but never your time with the Jedi. Something must have happened with your time with them.

Maybe that’s something he can ask you about once the Crest jumps out of hyperspace.

Glancing behind him, Din follows the source of the only sound in the cockpit. The child is still fast asleep in his makeshift bed, unbothered by his surroundings. The long day all three of you had obviously got to him as well. A sigh leaves Din’s modulator as he continues to glance at the sleeping child in front of him. Usually this would help him ease his nerves, but nothing seems to be helping with the thoughts gnawing at his brain.

Why didn’t you say anything to him?

Din’s told you things that he hasn’t told anyone in years, hell, he doesn’t think he’s ever told anyone the things that he has shared with you, but you haven’t shown him the same courtesy. There have been so many opportunities for you to do so, but you never spoke up. There have been so many times that you could have explained things, made it easier for Din to understand the strange child, but you didn’t. You only kept your mouth shut when Din was confused about what was going on with the kid.

Though he understands why you never mentioned your history with the Jedi, afraid you would be putting yourself in harm’s way if you did, it still doesn’t help with the tight knot in his stomach. It would have been a difficult conversation to have, sure, but you still would have shown the full trust you have in him by telling him the entire truth- not hiding it until you were forced to explain yourself.

Shaking his head, he immediately disregards the thought. He can’t blame you for a decision that clearly has haunted you on a daily basis.

There’s a reason why you never told him before and you told him why when the two of you were in the hull just a few hours ago. You were afraid.

You were afraid that if you told him about who you were, you were going to be either killed or turned in as a bounty.

Being on the run simply because you were raised by the Jedi was all you knew for years, and Din can’t blame you for that. He doesn’t know how long you were with the Jedi or when you began distancing yourself from their ways, all he knows is that you did it to protect yourself. if you hadn’t, then your paths wouldn’t have crossed.

It’s not an easy thing to digest, but Din knows the decision to hide this from him must have not been easy. It’s not easy to open yourself up to someone you’ve only known for a short period of time, especially when you have been stabbed in the back on multiple occasions in the past. Din knows that feeling all too well. There have been things Din hasn’t told you, or spared you the details of, because he wanted you to protect you. Though the details were minor like playing off an injury he got from a fight or something bad that happened that day- he understands why maybe you never revealed your past to him.

There must have been a good reason for it. You wouldn’t have made that choice with a blink of an eye. It would have been one of the most difficult decisions you’ve ever made. You’ve always been so open with him about everything. It hurts for Din to think about why you never told him about it before, but he tries to not think about it too hard.

Maybe that’s just how you were raised. Keeping certain truths away from others to protect them. You never judged Din for the customs he grew up with the Mandalorians, so he can’t judge you too harshly on the customs the Jedi raised you with. He may not know exactly what they are, but he can’t judge you too much until he learns more about them. You’ve shown him that same courtesy, always asking questions about the Mandalorians and their traditions without any judgement, even when you knew about the history your two people have with one another. The least he can do is show you the same courtesy.

The Mandalorians always told him to be wary of who to trust. If you trust everyone that comes in your path, then you’re bound to have others taking advantage of your naivety. Perhaps you were raised with similar principles.

The Jedi can seem like mysterious people to outsiders. The outside world knows hardly anything about them, even when they were highly renowned during the Clone Wars. All people knew during that time is that they had weird powers that wielded laser swords. No one really knew what their beliefs were or what their Code was. All most people knew is that they would try their best to help others by siding with the Republic.

Without knowing, the many things Din admires about you is because you were raised by. Throughout your journey together, you’ve shown him your true colors. You’ve tried your hardest to let that part of your life go, but the teachings of those who raised you have been engraved in your mind. You’ve shown this to your partner by your willingness to help the defenseless on multiple occasions.

The first time Din was able to see this side of you was when you received the bounty puck to retrieve the child. It seems like such a long time since that day. Before arriving on Arvala-7, you always kept your mouth shut when it came to a job you disagreed with. You always told Din how you felt about a job, but this was the first time you told him how you really felt. You refused to bring an innocent child into the hands of the Empire. He was only a child. The kid would be defenseless and you knew that you had the power to do something about it. You couldn’t just step aside and let the Imperials do whatever they pleased- you had to stop them.

You always put the kid’s well-being before your own while he was in your care. You put yourself in danger during the short fight with the Trandoshans to make sure the child remained safe, and kept an eye on him when the three of you were returning back to Nevarro to hand him over to the men who hired you. During the ride back, Din made sure you were safe as well.

The relationship between the two of you changed during this trip. He was able to see how caring you were towards strangers you just met, something he hadn’t seen in you before. You ensured other people’s safety before your own.

Before you took this job, you always showed a tough exterior to the outside world, but you showed Din the real you. You showed kindness and empathy towards others. You were finally beginning to grow comfortable with his company, which is something not many can say. Something about the kid changed something deep within you, and Din cannot be more grateful.

If it weren’t for you and your kind nature, he wouldn’t have been able to tell you the things that he has over the past several months. When your walls came down, his came down as well. He shared a few things with you at this point, but your relationship only began to grow since that day. Your compassion let him see you, not his bounty hunter partner, but you. You had qualities he hadn’t seen in another person in a long time- he almost forgot what it was like for someone to do something out of the kindness of their heart, not because they felt obligated to.

And that’s what Din admires about you. When you know something is wrong, you aren’t afraid to say so. You were wary from the start, saying how you weren’t sure if you should even go through with this job in the first place, but went through with it anyway because Din told you to. You put your own personal beliefs to the side for the job’s sake. When you found out that the bounty you tracked was a kid, you weren’t afraid to voice your concerns. There have been times where you felt uncomfortable with a few jobs you were tasked with, but you never accepted a job where it was an innocent child.

You couldn’t find it within you to go through with it. If you did, then would there be a limit to what the two of you would or wouldn’t do? You had to put your own emotions to the side during your hunts, but you showed Din that you had a heart, a conscience, during this adventure. Not many hunters showed this part of themselves in the Guild. Din got used to seeing blank stares in the cantina back on Nevarro, but seeing the intimate interaction between you and the kid showed him just how different you are from the other hunters. Almost none of them would have been able to express themselves the same way you did that afternoon.

Without realizing it, that afternoon changed everything for Din. Everyone he knew had such difficulty connecting with others, but you were able to do it with such ease with the kid. It took a long time for you to be like that with Din, but you were able to eventually tell him stories from your past. The relationship you had was slowly growing from strictly professional to friendly by the occasional banter you would have. If it weren’t for the kid entering your lives, then your relationship wouldn’t have grown into what it is today. Neither of the walls you or Din put up wouldn’t have been able to come down.

Not once did you ever grow irritated by the little information Din shared with you about the Mandalorians when you asked about them. Before meeting, you knew very little about his people, but with time, you consider yourself lucky to learn more about them each day that passed by. By this, you asked the questions that came across your mind rather than making an assumption. He would give you vague answers at first, not wanting to reveal too much just in case you parted ways, but with time and patience, you were able to learn more about them than you ever imagined, even more so when you decided to stay by his side when he decided to rescue the child from the Imperial safehouse.

“I’m with you until the very end,” You told him that day. Those words haven’t left his mind since that afternoon. Even when you hardly knew a thing about him, you still showed him where your true loyalty stands: with him- not the Guild, but him. It’s something he hasn’t been able to forget.

One of the most important things to the Mandalorians is sticking with those you care for and keeping your word, and you showed that to Din when you supported him with one of the most difficult decisions he’s ever made. Not many would have made the decision you did. Many would have left his side, or even tip off other hunters, but not you. You always were different from other hunters. That day, Din was able to see who you really were. Not only were you kind and patient towards a child when you thought your partner wasn’t paying attention, but you also showed one of the most important virtues regarded to his people: undying loyalty. It’s one thing to say you will never leave someone’s side, but it’s another to actually stay true to your word. You never once made Din question where your loyalty is, and that’s something he can’t take lightly.

What he didn’t realize until recently is the purpose he has. Things can easily get messy and complicated in this galaxy. When you both agreed to have a shared partnership, Din knew that you would be under his protection and he would do anything to make sure nothing bad happened to you, but what he didn’t realize was just how important your safety is to him until a few weeks ago. When deciding to take the kid in, he saw how he can use his training for good instead of bad. Instead of taking a life, he now can ensure the safety of two. Now, he’s not some hunter- he’s a protector of now two lives, and he’s been able to prove that by the several dangerous situations the three of you have been in together. From a cantina brawl on a random planet to that pazaak situation you accidentally put yourself in, to the weeks you spent on Sorgan, Din’s been able to keep the three of you safe even when a great danger exposes itself.

The threat on Sorgan didn’t seem that bad at first, only a group of outsiders stirring up trouble with the local village, but things only escalated the longer you were there. The real threat exposed itself when inspecting the nearby area. The outsiders not only were greater in size, but they also had an AT-ST in their possession. The odds didn’t seem to be in your favor at that point, but with great determination and training, you were able to help the local village fight off the attackers. Din was hesitant to help at first, thinking that the odds were too great, but you disagreed. You believed that with the villagers’ support, you would be able to help them with their raider problem. Instead of worrying if they would survive the next harvest, they would be able to work in peace. And you were right- with hard work and perseverance, the attacks were finally put to an end with one final confrontation.

After that night, the majority of the time you spent in the village was almost pure bliss. If you hadn’t been so persistent in helping them, then none of that would have happened. Din wouldn’t have been able to see the kind of life that he’s always thought of. Most of his life has been spent in hiding, whether it was literally hiding in the Mandalorian covert for so many years or it was hiding himself from the galaxy, Din never knew what it would be like to stay in a place that reminded him so much of home village before it was taken away from him. It wasn’t something he thought he wanted until he saw it right in front of his eyes.

He never saw the true beauty of a community until the three of you became a part of one- for the time being at least. He never spent as much time with the villagers as you had, but he saw the charm in it. The villagers never hesitated to ask for help from himself or you, but seemed much more comfortable asking you. When they did, you always agreed with a giant smile on your face. It was something Din hadn’t seen before. You were always willing to help others when they needed it, but he’s never seen you this carefree before.

Nobody had to worry about the dangers the next day would bring. The problems here on Sorgan almost seem minuscule compared to the ones you had when you went rogue from the Guild. You were preoccupied with your worries before arriving on the peaceful planet that you forgot what it was like to not worry about a thing. Instead of chatting about your worries, you were finally able to pass the time by the conversations you two would have throughout the day. One morning, in particular, pops up in his mind- the final day you spent at the village before you were forced to leave.

That morning, Din told you things he hadn’t told anyone for as long as he can remember. He told you what his childhood was like, how similar his village was to the one you were currently staying at. He hadn’t felt this peaceful since he was a boy.

It was something he missed greatly. He’s missed the feeling of connecting with another person- he never let himself grow too close with someone ever since he lost his parents. Losing them was bad enough, he wouldn’t be able to handle the heartache of losing someone else he cares deeply for. The only person he’s allowed himself to grow close with is you.

He’s missed the feeling of not doing much during the day. Most of his days were spent completing task after task, never having a moment to enjoy the little things. To the average person, seeing a town go on with their daily lives may not seem that spectacular, but it brought comfort to Din. His days were always filled with adventure, never knowing what the next day might bring, but seeing the everyday lives of the villagers brought a fire in his belly as warm as your hand had felt that morning. It’s a feeling he hasn’t been able to forget.

It’s been such a long time since he’s had such an intimate moment with another person that he can remember almost everything about that moment. He can remember how fast his heart was racing when your fingers intertwined with his, how the weight resting in his hand replaced the weight he felt on his chest, or the feeling he got in his stomach when his eyes locked with yours when you were silently listening to him. No matter how hard he tries, that moment isn’t able to leave his brain. It’s the only thing that has been playing on repeat late at night.

It was a simple gesture from you, a silent sign of support as he continued to tell you the fate of his parents. It was difficult for him to do, the words barely left his mouth as he described the destruction of his home, but you were patient with him, as you always have been. You never interrupted him or grew restless with how long it took him. If it took him a millennium to say something, even if it was just one detail, you would be more than willing to wait for what he has to say.

And that’s another thing that he admires about you. Not only have you been nothing but patient when it comes to him opening up to you, but you also have such a gift when it comes to connecting with others. After describing such an awful memory, you were sympathetic towards him by revealing the similar fate your parents suffered as well. It wasn’t easy, but you did it so that he wouldn’t feel as alone.

You both had similar upbringings and were adopted into different cultures, but those who raised you shaped into who you are today. For Din, he closed himself off from others so that he wouldn’t have to experience losing anyone else, but you were the complete opposite. Instead of closing yourself off from the galaxy, you never let your past experience of losing someone stop you from forming relationships with others. A wall was always put up from being vulnerable with almost anyone you met, but you let it down when you finally met someone you trusted completely, like Din. It took a while for you to get to this point with him, but he’s the first person you’ve been completely raw with since the fall of your people.

That same wall lowered the same day you arrived at the village. Something about the locals made you immediately trust them, Din noticed. It’s something he hadn’t seen in you before. Thanks to that feeling, you were able to help them with their problem. Instead of backing down when things got tough, you never took ‘no’ for an answer when it came to helping them. Despite all of the trouble you’ve had in the past, of others using your good nature against you, you never lost faith in the village, believing that with their help, the raidings would be put to an end. You were right. With their help, all of their problems stopped.

That’s something that Din still struggles with- seeing the good in every situation. As much as he tries to, his pessimistic side always gets the best of him. He thought that the odds were too great to provoke the intruders, but he was wrong. If it weren’t for you, then who knows what would’ve been the fate of the village. Ever since that day, he tries to see the light of every situation, but that gets hard at times. There were many times when Din doubted the battle would be won in your favor, but thanks to your selfless act to protect the villagers, everything turned out alright in the end.

From that battle to the last morning you spent there on Sorgan, Din hasn’t been able to forget about the time you spent together. As much as he tries to, he can’t stop replaying the simple gesture of both of your hands touching for the first time. It wasn’t even an extraordinary moment at the time, just a small sign to show your patience with him, but for some reason, the moment hasn’t been able to leave his mind. Even when his mind is filled with so many thoughts late at night, he gets the same feeling in his stomach as he did when you put your hand in his.

Hand holding is still as tender now as it was then, even with the multiple times you’ve done it at this point. It’s a sign of showing support towards each other, but that morning was the first time your skin grazed him on purpose. Maybe he’s looking way into it, but when your hand touched his that morning, he got a feeling in his stomach that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. The last time he can even think of feeling remotely similar to this was when Xi’an was in his life, but even she couldn’t make him feel the way he feels towards you. He felt it during your last day on Sorgan and he felt it again when you traveled to your destination on an isolated planet where there was nothing but flowers in sight.

The warm feeling in his stomach returned when he heard laughter coming from inside the hull after landing on the foreign planet. He didn’t know what the cause of your laughter was, but he didn’t care during the moment. All he cared about was knowing you were happy and safe. He knew that all three of you would be safe here for the time being. He wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen if he left you alone on the ship. Instead of his afternoon being spent worrying about what he would have to do to make sure you’re all safe, he can finally rest. His days can be like what they were when you were on Sorgan. The day can be spent doing whatever you want, not putting yourselves in danger just so you can survive to see nightfall.

It’s something Din hadn’t allowed himself to feel in a very long time- to be at ease. He didn’t even let himself be completely vulnerable during the weeks you spent at the village. He was afraid that the moment he let his guard down, there would be something to interrupt what he was feeling, and in a way, he was right. The morning he let his guard down was the same morning that the bounty hunter was able to track you down and almost kill the kid.

It was just bad luck. Word eventually got around about the fight that took place and that’s how you were eventually found. Thankfully, that didn’t happen on the planet you were laying low momentially. Din had hoped that you could’ve stayed here longer, enjoying the peace that seemed to linger in the air, but the decisions he made in the past decided to catch up to him. Instead of laying low on this peaceful planet for a few weeks, you were only able to stay here for a day or two, but the time you spent here hasn’t been able to leave Din’s mind.

He found an abandoned planet when trying to find a safe place where the three of you could lay low for a while. With a low population density, the chances of someone spotting you were slim to none. You wouldn’t be able to stay here longer than a few weeks with the supplies you have, but staying here meant that you would be out of danger, and that’s all Din cared about. If keeping your head low on an abandoned planet meant that you wouldn’t be in any kind of danger, then he would be more than willing to hide away from the galaxy with you. With the great amount of danger you both have been in lately, Din’s more than willing to stay here.

When first stepping foot on this planet, the sound of local wildlife greeted Din. Birds were chirping, tiny animals were chatting, and even the simple sound of the tree branches swaying back and forth brought a sense of comfort in his bones. The planet didn’t offer much, only the beauty of its atmosphere, but you didn’t need much to be safe. All you needed was a secluded area and enough food and water to last you for a while, and that was enough for Din. If your afternoons were spent with each other’s company, that’s more than what he could ask for.

Din was quick to make sure the area was safe shortly after the Crest landed. When he was doing so, he had the company of your laughter coming from the hull of the ship. The sound was so distant at first. If things weren’t so quiet outside, he wouldn’t have been able to hear it, but he’s so glad that he did. It’s a sound he hadn’t heard in a while- a sound he didn’t know he missed. He heard it almost everyday when you were at the village on Sorgan, but ever since you were on the run again, the sound became rare.

Hearing your laughter in the past always brought Din joy, knowing that you’re enjoying yourself for the time being, but hearing it this time brought a different feeling inside his chest. To this day, he still doesn’t know exactly what that feeling is. Knowing that you’re happy even after being in danger just a few days prior made Din happy too, but the feeling in his stomach is foreign. He hasn’t had this kind of a reaction to something before. The only time he’s had a feeling in his gut is when his stress is beginning to get to him or when he knows he’s in danger, never to a sound as delightful as your laughter.

Then the feeling only got stronger when he saw your reaction to where you would be staying for the next leg of your journey. The kid was giggling as he was running through the nearby flower field, but the only thing that captured Din’s attention was how soft your features were in the moment. From the way the eyes were in awe from your surroundings to the gigantic grin plastered across your face, the only thing Din could focus on is you. You somehow were able to put him under some kind of spell without trying to.

The feeling he had in his stomach spread throughout his entire body. It’s weird to explain, but somehow it spread from his stomach to his chest to his bones. He doesn’t know how to explain what it is but it’s something he never wants to go away. It’s something he hasn’t felt in a long time, knowing that he was the reason behind your happiness made the feeling even stronger. No one’s been able to have this effect on him before, except you. Without even trying, you managed to capture a part of him he didn’t even know he gave to you. He’s kept his heart locked up for so long that he forgot what it felt like to give it to any person.

He never has to worry about whether or not you’ll judge him harshly for something he’s done in the past. He knows that you’ll have an open mind about things and only have an opinion on it once you’ve asked questions about it.

There hasn’t been a single time where he’s felt judgment coming from you. You haven’t agreed with everything he’s done, but you respect the decisions he’s made, and that’s something he doesn’t take for granted. It’s rare for someone to be as patient and open-minded as you are, most people form an opinion far before they know every single detail, but not you. The only time you’ve only criticized a decision he’s made is when you don’t agree with it. After being partners for so long, there have been a handful of times where you don’t agree with a plan of his, but you still support him because of the amount of trust you have in him. If he said nothing bad would happen, you would take his word for it. It’s a sign of trust you’ve shown towards him and that’s something he can’t take lightly.

Loyalty and family are the two most important things to his people. Having undying loyalty to those closest to you shows just how much you trust the other person. It’s something he’s only seen in the covert. Putting your complete trust in someone, knowing they will put your best interest in heart, is something he’s only seen Mandalorians show towards other Mandalorians. They put their full trust in each other because they’re like family, and family will do anything to make sure the rest are safe, like you. Din admitted this shyly one afternoon, afraid of what your reaction would be when he admitted he saw you as a part of his family, but seeing the look on your face told him you felt the same as well. Your people may not have as strong a belief in family as his people do, but you know the importance of him referring to you as family meant to him.

He was so nervous during the moment that he didn’t even notice how his stomach turned into knots when your hand touched his after he admitted this. A weight was taken off of his shoulders after telling you this- he didn’t even notice his body physically reacted to you touching him.

He got that same feeling again when seeing your reaction to the planet the Crest landed on. You had such a childlike wonder to it that the radiance beaming from you was contagious. Like you, the biggest smile was on Din’s face when he glanced around his surroundings before heading back to his task. The moment between the two of you didn’t last long, as the little one began running off towards the nearby trees, but Din hasn’t been able to get this memory out of his head. He doesn’t even know why.

Even when you were gone, his thoughts weren’t able to escape you. He couldn’t stop thinking about how happy you seemed here even when you just got here, or how the sun bouncing off of your skin seemed to give you such a glow- not from the sun itself, but from within. Your warm nature being prevalent on the inside and outside. Everything about you was able to easily rub off of Din.

He doesn’t even know how mind came across the things that it did. One moment he’s thinking about what the three of you could do on the planet to pass the time and the next is what your future together would be like. The future together is something he’s thought about a lot recently since the child came into your lives- he always thought about what life would be like once you found a safe place for the baby, but thoughts like these never came across his mind until that sunny afternoon.

Rather than wondering what the two of you would do in the future, like if you would ever return back to Nevarro someday or if you would continue traveling the galaxy together, thoughts about settling down came across his mind. He doesn’t even know how that thought popped up. The two of you never discussed settling down together, you’ve both expressed wanting to have a peaceful life someday but never together, so he doesn’t know where this idea came from. It’s probably the atmosphere of this place, he told himself.

Neither of you ever talked about what exactly your relationship is. He knows this partnership you have goes way beyond what you both agreed to, more than just collecting bounties together, it’s a bond neither of you has felt in a very long time, but the unclear relationship you have doesn’t exactly help Din figure out what he felt during the moment. Why is he only able to think about you? Even when he’s trying to figure his future, whether that would include just himself or with someone else, the only thing he’s able to think about is you- how much things have blossomed between the two of you ever since leaving the peaceful village. Never in a million light-years did Din think he would be able to feel towards another person with how he feels towards you. It’s a foreign feeling, something that he has to figure out one day.

The only thing he knows for sure is that he trusts you more than anyone else in the entire galaxy. If there was something you were uncertain about, he would gladly hear you. If you decided against a decision of his, he would try to figure out another way.

After everything you have been through together, the only thing he knows for a fact is that he doesn’t want a future without you. It’s hard to imagine a life without you, whether that meant continuing the lifestyle you’ve shared for the past year or if that meant a more domestic one.

There’s so much he’s told you about himself that he hasn’t dared to share with another soul, whether it was the simple reveal of his name, or where he came from, or even what life was like when the Mandalorians took him in, he’s never told anyone the things he’s told you without thinking twice about it. He hasn’t trusted someone this much- the last person he can think of was before he was adopted into his creed.

When he told you about the ideals he was raised with, you never made any judgements towards him. The only thing you told him was that he was more than the beskar armor he wears daily. Though he was adopted into Mandalorian customs, you always told him he’s more than what he was raised by- that he’s his own person. He’s gotten so used to others making critical judgements about him just because of who he was raised by that he was taken back to hear what you had to say.

It’s not often he heard someone speak about his people in such a collected manner- most people were quick to judge their warrior ways that it was nice to hear such good things come from someone who isn’t accustomed to their ways. Hearing you talk about your loyalty to him, to Din, not to the Mandalorian warrior, was something he didn’t know he needed to hear. He grew used to people either admiring or condescending his warrior ways that he forgot at times what it meant to be his own person.

Thanks to you, he’s been able to see that part of himself again. He’s hidden it away not only from the galaxy but from himself as well, and you’ve been able to show him that he can be his own person beyond the armor he dons. There’s no doubt that his creed has shaped him into who he is today, but he’s also more than that. He’s someone with a heart, empathy towards others, putting others before himself- something he’s never thought of himself as until you pointed it out. You were able to see the best parts of him when he didn’t even see them.

When you were able to see the best parts of him, he saw the best parts in you when you returned with a simple gift when you were gone for a bit. Glancing back at the memory, the gesture wasn’t that big, just a bunch of flowers bundled up together, but to him, it meant so much to him. He can’t even remember the last time someone did this thoughtful for him, let alone giving him a gift. It’s been such a long time since he’s experienced this much joy from a single action. It probably didn’t seem that big of a deal to you at the time, just something to take his mind off of things for the moment, but he can remember everything about that moment- the warm feeling in his chest returning when he saw the bundle of flowers shaking slightly in your hands, the nervous expression on your face, the feeling of the sun beaming against the sliver of exposed skin at the nape of his neck. He wanted to remember every single detail of that moment, not wanting to forget what it felt like. He never wanted to forget what it felt like to be this happy, not having to worry about anything happening to the three of you. He just wanted to stay here.

He wanted to see more of this side of you. Seeing how happy and carefree you were here reminded him of the memories he has of his mother. When he was a boy, his mother and father used to do so much to express the love they had for one another, and a lot of the memories he has of them is the gifts they would give each other to show how much they loved each other. It’s something that his parents always made sure he was a part of- he would try to help them as much as he could to help pick out the gift. It was something he always looked forward to as a boy and it’s something he’s seen on multiple occasions during his trips throughout the galaxy.

Gift exchanging is a common thing among married couples- like his parents, married couples want to express their love by giving their significant other something they know they’ll like, and Din can’t help but think of these things as he inspected the bundle of flowers you gave him that day. It wasn’t the most lavish gift, but it was more than he ever could ask for. It showed that, he too, was on your mind even when you were separated. You wanted to express how much you care for his well being by giving him something that you had access to, and with the current environment you’re staying in, you have very limited choice. He didn’t care what the gift was, all he cared about was the thought you put into it.

The thoughtful gift is what reminds him of the qualities you have that his mother also had- your thoughtful nature, the way you put others first before yourself, offering to help others in any way you can. His well being was your first priority. You tried to ease his mind as much as you could, you tried to take some of the burden off of his shoulders by offering to repair his very torn cape that he dons. It was something that you didn’t even think twice about, just wanting to help him in any way that you can, but it’s something he hasn’t been able to forget. It’s just one of the many ways you’ve shown him how considerate and thoughtful you can be without even realizing it.

There’s so much about that day that he hasn’t been able to forget, even when he’s alone in the cockpit as the Crest is in orbit of your next destination.

So much has happened within the last week of your lives. One day you’re able to find sanctuary on a nearly abandoned planet and then the next, he finds out about the one part of your life you never shared with him before. He can think about why you never spoke about this part of your life before but at the end of the day, it’s a decision that you didn’t take lightly. With how open your relationship has been lately, it’s hard to imagine just how difficult this decision must have been for you. Not only to keep this from him, knowing about the messy history both of your people have together, but to move on from who raised you. Even when the Empire was hunting his people, Din always had the support of those who took him in, but you didn’t. You had to survive on your own. If you hadn’t, then your paths wouldn’t have crossed.

There must be a reason why your paths crossed. It’s the only reason he can think of- because the galaxy wouldn’t be so cruel as to force his path away from the one person he trusts the most, right?

It’s not an easy thing to digest- to find out the one person you trust the most was hiding something as big as this. A Jedi. He can’t get the Armorer’s words out of his head. Not only were the people who took you in considered to be enemies of his people, but you also knew more about the child than he did and still didn’t tell him. He can’t help but feel that you don’t trust him nearly as much as he trusts you.

He disregards the thought, shaking his head. You didn’t have the same kind of support as he did when the Empire rose to power. He had others in his covert to rely on when things got tough, but the only person you had was yourself, something he knows all too well at this point.

He closed himself off from others just so he wouldn’t have to feel the weight he feels in his chest. He understands why you made the decision that you did, but he can’t ignore the aching feeling he feels throughout his entire body by the thought of you not telling him sooner. You only revealed that part of your life to him because you were forced to. He told you things he hasn’t told anyone else since, well ever, not even someone in the covert. He had so much faith in you that he told you anything he could think of. It doesn’t feel fair to expose parts of himself to you just for you to keep something hidden.

There have been a few times where you almost told him about who raised you, but out of fear, you backed down. He doesn’t know what things were like when your people fell, maybe that’s something the two of you can talk about once you land. He hardly knows a thing about your people, and like you, he can’t be one to form an opinion on a group of people he doesn’t know. You never cast judgment on who raised him. You always asked questions about his beliefs in a respectable manner, and he should have that same common courtesy.

He knows that he should see you as an ‘enemy sorcerer,’ something the Armorer referred to your people as, but he didn’t see that when he was looking at you as you were confessing where you really came from. It wasn’t an easy topic to talk about for you, that’s obvious by how your fingers fumbled with each other as you looked down at the floor in shame, but it’s something you confessed to him, even when you were scared. You didn’t know how he was going to react to the news, thinking he was going to leave you behind. For that, he can’t hold the decision you made against you. There have been so many decisions you both have disagreed on, and this is one of them. He would have preferred if you told him about this sooner, but he can’t hold this against you when it’s clearly haunted you at night.

“What do you think, kid?” Din asks as he turns around in his seat, to find the child has just woken up from his overdue nap. With one swift movement, the child is secure in the crook of his arms in a matter of seconds. Even when his surroundings are as peaceful as they can get, his mind won’t stop turning a million miles a minute.

“Why didn’t she tell me…” He mumbles out, mainly to himself. When he glances down at the child wrapped in his arms, the look in the child’s eyes is trying to tell him something that Din can’t seem to decipher. It’s like he’s trying to tell the masked man something important but can’t understand it.

When a few moments of silence are passed in the hull, another question comes from Din’s mouth, one he almost doesn’t want to know the answer to. “Did you know?”

The only kind of coherent response the child gives is a series of giggles, not knowing the true connotation. Sighing, Din lets his head fall back as he lets his mind wander.

“Regardless of what has changed your mind about her, I sense she will help you with your journey.”

Even when his mind is going almost nonstop, the words from the Armorer haven't been able to leave his mind- it always has a way of coming back to him.

The emerging of your two paths had to happen for a reason.

For whatever the reason may be, Din knows the only person who would be able to help him with his journey is you. He doesn’t know where to begin to even find the people who raised you- it would be damn near impossible if you weren’t by his side. Though you don’t see yourself as a Jedi any longer, you can still aid him in his journey of returning the child back to the Jedi. Maybe you could even help him understand more about the weird powers the child has, or even help the kid gain more control over them. After what he experienced in the cantina on Nevarro, Din finally sees just how powerful the little one really is. He can’t protect him without your help. It will be a long and difficult path, but it’s one he doesn’t want to do without you.

“Alright kid, let’s go.”

taglist: @unstoppableforcce @remmysbounty @ayamenimthiriel @randomness501 @itspauvr @sarahjkl82-blog @mostclevermiss @seninjakitey @altarsw @bookloverfilmoholic @welcometothepedroverse

#also sorry to those that got multiple notifs about me uploading and reuploading it #i was trying to get it to pop up in the tags and it wouldnt #so im sorry about that #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian x female reader #the mandalorian x f!reader #the mandalorian x oc #din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #din djarin x female reader #din djarin x oc #din djarin x f!reader #wopc #my writing

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buckyownsmylife · 3 years

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hello, im sorry but i really need to ask. why fuckboi chapters are so short an getting shorter and shorter. i get that because i write it might sound rude but i am not trying to be, i really love the story but i have notice the chapters shortness recently so im genuinely curious to why. thank you🙂 and have a great day.

There are many reasons why some of the new chapters are shorter than you're used to getting from me. But let's address one thing first:

They are not "getting shorter and shorter". Here's the word count for the last few chapters of fuckboy:

Chapter 15 - 1.045

Chapter 16 - 895

Chapter 17 - 1.395

Chapter 18 - 2.224

Chapter 19 - 458

Chapter 20 - 1.579

Chapter 21 - 484

As these seven last chapters showcase - there is no correlation between chapters, how far along we are in the story and wordcount. I appreciate your question because I understand it comes from a place of wanting more from the story - or so I perhaps egoistically assume - but if there are shorter chapters than others, you are absolutely right to assume there's a reason - trust me, the writer, to tell my story in whatever length I choose to tell.

Let's take chapter 19. I even posted it prefacing it was a short chapter - I couldn't write more of it without literally wanting to kill myself, so I didn't. There's your answer as to why that one is shorter.

I don't write with a clear intention in mind - this is my hobby. Now that I am developing this story to become a full-length novel, I do have more attention to padronization of length and stuff like that, but for something I do on my free time? I still think almost 32k words in 21 chapters is more than enough, and every time someone asks about length of a chapter, it only makes me feel as if I'm not telling my story right because it either severely lacked as far as what I wanted to say or I'm not doing enough and I have enough of feeling that way on my day to day life so to come on Tumblr and deal with the same feeling? Let's just say that is the main reason why I'm getting back into writing full time as a job because I might as well get paid for feeling like a goddamn failure 😂

Now, please know this is 100% on me. Like I said on the beginning, I legitimately assume all you meant by your message was to tell me you wanted more, but I am tired of being quiet and silently sleeping with these doubts that I recognize I'm placing on myself. They do not come from you. But do you see how reaching out to authors who have so much going on in their lives that you don't know of and commenting on something like length of their stories make them want to just... not write?

Fuckboy is completely written and has been posted on my Patreon and for my Patreons since before I started posting it on Tumblr. I had a time commitment to follow - people were expecting a chapter a week, so I had to get a chapter a week out, regardless of my uncle being in the hospital, my grandma dead, me with a tumor in my head, my father with the beginning of alzheimer's, me starting a new master's degree in a language that's not my own in a completely different country far away from everything I've ever known...

I know that these issues are of little relevance to anyone else, so I don't comment on them most of the time. You come to my page to read my stories, not weep for my wounds, whatever they may be. But when I can't use them to fuel my art, they end up consuming me, and I sincerely apologize if that means you don't get the type of content you expect from me.

I just hope you understand that all this doesn't come from a place of hurt or anger. I'm honestly just tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough when I've been working for three and earning $50 a month. I legit didn't have enough to eat this month. But I will not sit alone with these messages anymore and just... make myself feel as if I'm not doing enough.

As for Chapter 21, there's really a simple explanation as to why it's so short: I didn't want to take away from the hurt the character had felt by immediately following up with an explanation. Do I hope I'll be able to make it longer when and if I ever turn this into a book? Yes. But I honestly don't think I'm talented enough to do that yet, so maybe this is why writing still remains and probably forever will be a labor of love for me.

#eyre talks #psa #I'm officially out #peace

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solesurvivorpaigeargot · 3 years

Text

HOLY HELLO Sketchy friends, followers, and fans! It's that time again, time for...

SHIPPY SATURDAY!

The heck is happening here? Here's an FAQ~ Wanna support the event? Here's my Ko-fi!

That's right, it's FINALLY the last Saturday of the month... and I've decided it's high time our Quotable prompt evolved into a Dialog prompt! This is gonna work a lot like previous Quote prompts, but with an extra twist, so please make sure you read the guidelines for a valid request before sending in!

ONWARDS!

To make a VALID Shippy Saturday request, please send me the following in an ASK to my ASKBOX:

The COUPLE you'd like me to sketch up ---- OC? Heck yes! Canon? Hell yeah! All characters welcome, so long as they're from Fallout ---- OC x OC? Cool! Canon x Canon? SWEET! OC x Canon? DAMN RIGHT.

The NUMBER of the dialog snippet you'd like me to art them saying ---- Got more than one favorite? You may list up to THREE in your ask, in order of preference, to help the artist avoid repeats <3 ---- Still can't pick? Send in 'Dealer's Choice!' and the artist will pick one for you.... oooor possibly make up some fresh dialog on the spot ;3

What KIND OF RELATIONSHIP your couple has with each other ---- Romantic? Platonic? Professional? Familial? Rivals? Neighbors? Despite it's name, Shippy Saturday is about all kinds of human connections, not just the romantic ones! ---- Is your couple part of a larger OT3 or poly group? Tell me who else is part of the relationship; they probably won't get arted, but they might add their two cents to the scene from off-frame XD

IF YOU'RE SENDING IN AN OC!! ---- Send your request ask FIRST, without reference information ---- THEN send your OC's reference information to me via my Tumblr IM ---- Don't have any reference pictures, but you can type of a written description? Great! I love working from written descriptions! :D [ No, really, I do. Give them to me :D ]

After that, you can leave all the rest to me! :D [ I.e Please do not request poses or specific actions ]

Hokay? HOKAY! With all of that out of the way, let's get onto the dialog snippets! These are taken from various things I enjoy, as well as some of my own work. These quotes have been modified to gender neutral pronouns, to remove most proper nouns, and for brevity.

[ Some of these quotes have multiple speakers! That will be shown like this! "Speaker A" -- "Speaker B" ]

"Yeah, well, I'm a victim of circumstance" -- "... I thought you called it your pecker."

"Here, you look cold."

"You are so lucky I love you." -- "Damn right."

"You know the routine." -- "Yeah! WE do all the work, YOU get all the credit!"

"I want you with me, but... I'm scared." -- "Trust me. Trust me to take care of myself." -- "I trust you, it's the rest of the world I'm terrified of!"

"No breakfast?" -- "I did it yesterday-- bologna and beans, it's your turn." -- "No... It was eggs. I did eggs... over easy." -- "The hell you did! Bologna and beans, it's your turn!"

"I like the kind of person who can handle themselves... think on their feet."

"So you were ahead of me." -- "I don't know about ahead, but I've been behind you ever since you fried those mannequins."

"Don't make me say it out loud..." -- "... I can say it first, if that'll help."

"Nooooooope... five more minutes." -- "We were together all night." -- "Didn't count... I was sleepin'."

"Well, this is very serious" -- "IT IS!" -- "You, you destroyed a door." -- "Colonel, we're talking about a test on an armored vehicle, that will carry people into combat." -- "Right, but this door is property of--" -- "The shell barely penetrated the door." -- "okay, but now it's all bent out of shape. How are you gonna get it back on its hinges?" -- "I'LL BUY THE ARMY A NEW GODDAMN DOOR!"

"Sorry, I thought... I thought you were trying to buy something I'm not selling."

"I'm busy." -- "Too busy to look up?"

"You can't kill people just because you don't agree with them." -- "You see, that was the ONE point me and the doctors could never agree upon."

"Would you ever consider having a drink with an enlisted solider?" -- "Depends... does the enlisted soldier think I need one?" -- "What are they gonna do? Kick you out?"

"Thanks" -- "No problem, anytime."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up-- one day it's gonna happen to you. Someday someone is gonna ask you, who is it? And a face is gonna jump to the front of your mind, and it's gonna completely sandbag you... I can't wait to watch!"

[to a peacefully sleeping person ] -- "Good moring, Mx. ___, this is your wake-up call. Please move your ass."

"I say we run for it" -- "Running isn't a plan, runnin's what you do when a plan fails!"

"... Normal Illinois, is that on the map?" -- "Yes, Sergeant, it is." -- "... is it normal in Normal?" -- "... Uneventful, I think, is the word."

"Now-- how many brahmin does it take to make a stampede? Is it like... three or more? Is there a minimum speed?" -- "Wish a stampede up your ass."

"I don't mind being a secret of yours."

[Right after THE BIG FUCKING KISS] ".... let's not make it a year before the next one, okay?"

"If we were serious about money, we'd quit being hired hands--" -- "Handymen! We are han-dee-men." -- "Oh whatever! We'd quit this and go find some real money."

"Please... don't go where I can't follow."

"Alone is fine! I can do alone, it's worrying after them that's got me all wound up!" -- "Have you considered that's because alone is NOT FINE and you don't wanna do it anymore?" -- "---!!"

"This is not the first time you've been here." -- "We've been down this road before, that is correct." -- "Several times, in fact." -- "I hadn't been keeping count."

"And you must be ___, I've heard all about you." -- "I deny everything."

"First time I saw you? I thought to myself, that's the kind of person BRICK WALLS jump outta the way of." -- "Figured you'd be safer behind me rather than in front of me?" -- "Damn right."

"Just keep looking at that beautiful sky; that's the sky that'll be over our roof when we're done." -- "What if we don't finish the roof? Then we can look at the sky all the time."

"Yeah, well... maybe a friend is what I need right now."

"Next thing you know the Feds will be at our door; Sorry, time to move out, Eminent Domain." -- "Down honey, down."

"Even a heat-seeking missile can miss a target." -- "... you taped so many hot-plates to the test target you could fry an egg at 20 feet, and it STILL missed by a mile."

"My dear, my darling, love of my life...." -- "What do you want?"

"What I mean to say is... you make here a better place to be. For me. Easier. Does that make sense?"

"Calm down, you make it sound like a war." -- "What do you people have against being prepared?!"

"This is not just a report, it's a deadly weapon." -- "Sir, an M-16 is a deadly weapon. A report is just a pile of paper, unless you plan to inflict a lot of extremely vicious paper cuts."

"Stupid son of a bitch, knocked himself out cold..." -- "Cold my ass, he's dead."

"Y'know, in baseball, a guy who hits .400 is consider pretty damn great." -- "In baseball the losing team isn't killed by their opponents."

"Hey... I love you. Did I tell you that today?"

This post is going online at 8 PM, June 24th, 2021, US Pacific time. The askbox will open for requests until 6 PM, June 25th, 2021, US Pacific Time. Get yours in now!

Arting will begin at 9 AM tomorrow morning, see you then! :D

-Loor

#Sketchy Saturday #Sketchy Saturday Prompt #Shippy Saturday #Shippy Saturday Prompt #Dialog Prompt

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leafcabbage · 3 years

Text

i am going to elaborate i have decided

so. you may ask. “cabbage you have never seemed like someone who has boundaries you seem like you would give your social security number to someone for laughs.” and i would say “thats not a question”

despite that, i will elaborate. yeah, i do overshare, but im pretty careful about what i say, so none of y’all actually know me. maybe it shouldnt bother me that people assume they know things about me or how i “should” act, but like, i am a real person, and i suppose i dont have to justify those feelings. it genuinely wasnt one thing that one person did or whatever, it’s been some commenters, a few posts ive seen, some askers, several anons- all of it led up to yesterdays choice. also, i shouldn’t be anxious or upset by things on this dumbass blog. its supposed to be fun. ive put too much weight into this. literally all of my reactions are my problem because i let myself put too much of my time and energy into being cabbage leafcabbage. what can i say, recognition feels good at the end of the day.

now youre like “okay but what the fuck does that actually mean???”

yeah thats fair. it means i do want to focus more on writing on here and i probably(?) will be less active, but i genuinely dont want to stop interacting with you guys other than that all together. i’d like the main focus of this blog to be writing. i’d like the majority of my content on here to be about my fic. but i do like the funny little interactions we have and the asks for the most part. so... things. i guess. that should be kept in mind. questions for yourself, perhaps. “should i send this to a friend instead of a fanfic author?”, “is this something i should say to a 20 year old i dont know on the internet?”, “am i trying to get validation from someone who i see as “cool” (ahaha thanks) in a way that won’t actually help me?” and other stuff like that.

examples of things besides fic questions i am happy to answer: give insight on things i have experience with (writing, student gov, college, being aroace/trans/autistic/etc), talk about dsmp/mcyt, talk about other media i like, give media recs, give opinions, etc

examples of things i am not going to answer: stuff i just... cant play off of? like if i cant give an answer thats gonna add to things i wont answer. it doesnt mean you did something wrong, im just gonna filter through more. i wont talk about trauma, not gonna answer asks about how your day went, i wont answer asks with any personal info in them... just generally if you wouldn’t talk to an acquaintance youre at a cafe with about it, dont send it to me.

also, i appreciate that you care about me, but dont tell me to sleep/drink water/ take a break/ etc. im not upset with you if youve done that of course, but im 20. i know how to take care of myself. i know to drink water and sleep and eat.

one more thing- if you would say it to a dog, don’t say it to me. so weird that i have to say that.

“cabbage you seem to be thinking about one more big important thing that you hope people will read even if they skipped the rest of this do you want to talk about that?”

oh boy do i!

you guys terrify me. specifically the minors who follow this blog. please, please be careful of who you are sharing things with on the internet. things that seem harmless can give adults who want to hurt you leverage, an in, something they can talk to you about to try to gain your trust. i can tell you “i care about your safety” and you still don’t know if i am telling the truth! im sure you’ve gotten the “be safe on the internet” lecture from adults who dont even know what happens on here nowadays, and yeah that shits hella outdated, but i am someone who grew up on tumblr, so please at least think about what im saying.

when you tell people on the internet about your mental health/triggers/any personal or identifying information, you are providing them with information they can use against you. i do not at all mean this in a victim blaming way, if something happens that is not your fault, but i am asking you to be careful now. using my cafe analogy again, if an adult comes and sits at your table, your first reaction shouldn’t be to tell them personal information. adults should not be reaching out to you (there’s a reason i only message y’all if its for permission to print your artwork. it would be hella weird for me to try to strike up a conversation). no adults should be telling you youre different or mature or whatever. please just be careful with who you’re trusting and who you’re talking to. good interactions =\= good intent. a person with a platform =\= a good person.

“are you finally done?”

yeah i am. all that to say im sticking with fanfic related asks rn but if you stick to what ive said i may answer others in the future. thanks for reading this and thank you for being such a wonderful community (cough, for the most part, cough). im probably gonna be more harsh going forward on things that cross boundaries because im shit at setting them. that doesnt mean im upset with you as a person i just need to make things clear. i hope you guys are doing well and thank you again

#cabbage posts #this will probably be it on this topic but #maybe not who knows #its not really there but just to be sure #tw grooming mention #as always ask for clarification

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juminsmysticmc · 4 years

Note

Hi! Im not really familiar with how to use tumblr but im trying to make a request :) can you please make some vanderwood headcannons? Or just more vanderwood content in general

Thank you:)♡

A mother’s instinct ! Warnings !

OneShot about kidnapping/ inappropriate touching

Hello! At first I began to think about a short cute HC but then it came into my mind that I saved this One Shot as a draft for toooo long :) I finally came to post it thanks to you, hehehe! Tell me about your opinion please! Enjoy!

Four years have passed since you entered the RFA and got to know Vanderwood through Saeyoung.

It took you guys a year to fall in love and get to know each other and finally, after a marriage of two years and with a three years old son, you guys lived together in happiness. Yes, the two of you rushed into things, but you were never happier than now. Although, sometimes both of you were concerned because of Vanderwood’s past.

He came free from the agency though you didn’t know how and he didn’t want to tell you. But he often told you to never trust anyone other than the RFA since they could be everywhere. And indeed he was right, just that you didn’t know that at that time.

Well, maybe both of you just got carless after three years of happiness and calmness at home. ,,I will bring him to kindergarten!’’ you said and kissed Vanderwood who just stepped out of the bathroom with gloves. He was once again cleaning. ,,Bye,’’ he said and nodded in approval before he went back again.

Some things never change, you thought and walked your son to kindergarten. ,,Have fun, my hero,’’ you said to your son and kissed him as you watched him go into the room and play with his friend.

,,Hello!’’ a mother greeted you. ,,Hey,’’ you said and looked at her. You checked everything about her. You looked at the high heels she was wearing and the short black dress. You looked over to her hands and up to her neck with her beautiful necklace. You also looked at her long, straightened hair and beautiful make up. Something was odd, you thought. And so you decided not to be too friendly. ,,Is that your son?’’ she asked you to be friendly. ,,Mhm,’’ you answered. ,,Where’s yours?’’ you asked without looking at her. The lady paused a bit and looked into the room before she pointed at a kid. ,,Taeyoung!’’ she called him. The boy didn’t react immediately but then looked up. He looked at the woman who just called him and then to you. ,,Taeyoung, say hello to mommy!’’ she said again, finally making the boy wave back. Something was odd, you thought again.

,,I need to go. It was nice talking to you,’’ you said and bowed, but hesitated when she asked you something. ,,Yes, one moment, I thought that maybe Taeyoung and Hongjoong could play sometime,’’ she told you. You turned around and faked a smile. ,,Yeah,’’ you said and then walked off. As soon as you were outside, you leaned against the wall and called home.

,,Hello, Bunny?’’ you said your code word. ,,Yes,’’ Vanderwood said, knowing exactly that something happened and you were scared that someone would listen to your call. ,,I brought him in, but I forgot the doctor’s appointment. Was it today?’’ you lied, knowing that Vanderwood would for sure understand what was going on. This was a code for the both of you.

,,Yeah,’’ he answered and then cut the call. And this yeah was enough for you to know what to do. You walked straight into the kindergarten and grabbed your son, telling the teacher that you had to take him home again and then you rushed home, making sure that you would walk past every CCTV in the city, knowing that Vanderwood already informed Saeyoung to tell him that the agency found him.

They wouldn’t harm you in the daylight in front of CCTV. At least you prayed for that to be the case.

,,What happened?’’ Vanderwood asked you as soon as you came home, making you explain everything. ,,No mother wears high heels!’’ you hissed. ,,Are you sure that she wasn’t just going to work?’’ he asked you to make sure. ,,Vanderwood, I learned as a mother that high heels and a baby are two things you should never pair together. And she didn’t wear a ring! Of course, maybe she was a single parent, but no mother wears a necklace; not such a beautiful one! And her hair was perfect! Besides-’’ ,,Aren’t you looking too much into this? Maybe she was really a mother!’’ Vanderwood said, not believing that you would actually judge people that quickly. ,,VANDERWOOD!’’ you hissed, making him shriek at your sudden call.

,,That woman was looking for her son. She was supposed to just bring him in! And then she thought about his name for such a long time! He didn’t even react to her voice! Something is odd!’’ you argued.

,,I don’t care if you don’t trust me, but my instinct is right! As a mother, I don’t intend to put my son in danger just because you won’t trust me!’’ Vanderwood didn’t even have the time to say anything before the door was opened with force. ,,Aha, Agent Vanderwood, you married a good one, but became carless, huh?’’ the woman laughed. You clenched your teeth as you observed the woman. You just prayed for your son to stay in his room and not come out. Hoongjoong normally could read situations… not this time, however.

,,Hongjoong, hello! I brought a friend and cakes!’’ the woman called with a friendly voice. You waited for a second and stopped breathing as you prayed for your son to just stay there. ,,Mommy…?’’ he however whispered and came out.

Doomed, you thought, you were doomed. Hongjoong was taken hostage while all doors and windows were closed. ,,So, Agent Vanderwood…’’ the woman laughed. ,,I will first make you feel real pain together and then I will make you die one by one…’’ she smiled. ,,Please, please, let him be. He is still so little and he will forget so let him go, I beg you…’’ you sobbed as she held your son. ,,Agent, you won’t get away with this,’’ Vanderwood hissed. ,,You think so? Let’s see…’’ she laughed and began to hit your son, making him cry in pain and fear.

,,VANDERWOOD, DO SOMETHING! DO ANYTHING!’’ you cried and screamed, trying to get free. However, a man hit you on the head, making you fall on the floor, face first. ,,Shut up, slut!’’ he laughed and looked at the woman, who nodded. ,,Don’t, don’t you dare!’’ Vanderwood hissed as he saw that one of the man was slowly grabbing you. ,,DON’T YOU DARE!’’ he screamed his lungs out.

,,Savior 707 here. Sorry for being late,’’ Saeyoung laughed, followed by Jumin and some bodyguards as well as Saeran. ,,Arigatou for waiting! Gracias amigos!’’ he laughed, making Vanderwood roll his eyes in annoyance. ,,I will take the kiddo, thank you,’’ he smiled and then pointed the gun at the woman. His eyes turned darker as he pressed it against her face, holding your son in his arms to console him.

,,So, turn around. Tell them to lay on the floor and don’t dare to move,’’ he smiled.

,,Vanderwood…’’ you called, as a private doctor checked on you. ,,Hongjoong,’’ you tried to say. ,,Psst… he is okay and sleeping next to you, see?...Rest a bit and I will stay here,’’ he assured you, making you fall asleep. ,,We need to talk,’’ Saeyoung called him while Vanderwood patted your hair. ,,I know. I will be right there, Agent 707,’’ he nodded. Another fight was about to come after all.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

21.03.2021// 20:34 MEST

#jumin han #zen hyun ryu #Yoosung Kim #jaehee kang #saeyoung choi #saeran choi #luciel choi #Vanderwood #mystic messenger vanderwood #mm vanderwood #vanderwood x mc #vanderwood x reader #fanfiction #fanfic #mm fanfic #Headcanon #Mm headcanons #mystic messenger headcanon

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levis-hazelnut · 3 years

Note

This is a vent.

You can do what you want with this post but please do read the part from where your name starts in bold and pink.

I have decided it's okay for me to type my thoughts out here In tumblr. Safer than my journal at least lol

So I'm doing okay but I also feel like shit for the past few days lol. To the point where I cried myself to sleep. Ever felt like crying badly but the tears won't come out but you can't even act frustrated? Yeah that too.

I'll be honest. I changed schools so now I have about 3 supportive friends but we haven't interacted much.

My friends from my previous school are really very cool and supportive and it is because of them, I had a thought of exploring me and thinking about my sexuality and everything.

I have a lot of friendship problems. Im kinda losing touch with My friends from the previous school and i saw it coming almost 1 years ago. But I still talk to them bc I like them. I have been betrayed and neglected and taken for granted by loads of people who were my friends. We're still in touch but there is a disconnection.

I really considered them my friends. I trusted them. I was looking for a special bond with them. But it never happened. Half of them betrayed and verbally bullied me. Some of them strayed away. Some were Influenced by other bullies. Some took me for granted.

I'm awkward at voicing out my true feelings. I wanted them to know through my actions how much they meant to me, how I bragged about how nice they were, how I loved it when we went on little adventures and screamed and laughed. But they just had to go away.

My one and only lovely best friend moved away and now we live about 2000 kms apart but we still talk and she supports me (and simple for me lol) and she is kinda like one of the top reasons I'm sane rn. I'm very grateful to have her.She sometimes visits my blog through Google and reads my fics.

I've been having depressive episodes since last year. It's definitely better than last year bc back then, I used to cry in secret like- every single day. Including my birthday. I've actually kinda mastered the art of masking my feelings.

On top of that I have family problems. My dad is not really emotionally present. I hate to say this but my mom kinda victimizes herself. Evertime they have fights, I hear and notice this. It pisses me off but the points they make about themselves make sense. Eventually they make up and they sat down and made me under stand that nothing is gonna happen but it mentally affects me a lot.

Believe me when I say that I love my parents. But I'm growing distant. On top of that there is some toxic advice and they are homophobic oof.

I know there are millions of people with more worse conditions than mine and when I think about this, I get sad and start to invalidate my feelings but with the help of some motivational people, I understand that my problems are valid and I'm allowed to feel sad. At this point I'm like my own supporter. I'm proud of it.

Every time I see jean, I relate to him a lot. Putting a strong front for others but your terrified inside. (Also thighs mm)

So Hazel. Listen to me

When I found out of tumblr and fanfics, I was overjoyed. I spend weeks reading comfort fics by many different authors including yours and it made me feel safe.

I finally decided to make an account and follow people. I mostly interacted with you. There are so many blogs and moots that I follow now, and now I'm not shy or scared to interact with them.

You know why? Because of you.

It is from your blog I first felt like I could feel safe. I never felt weird about going in your inbox more than once. Everytime you responded I felt butterflies. After that when you followed me back, I actually almost cried. Every single time I saw you in my dash, inbox or responding to me, or just interacting with your fellow moots, I felt happy.

And after that I met amber, izzy, and so many cool moots. If we ever met In real love I wouldn't hesitate to give you a big hug and thank you.

Hazel baby when I say I love you, I fucking mean it.

I love you. I love you so much

I love all of my moots, and people who I interact with every day. I found so many supportive people and people from the lgbtq and people who share the same thoughts here.

Thank you for being you.

I hope you never forget how much I admire you. I'm almost tearing up as I write this. All of you guys give me so much motivation to move forward in my life.

himani please the way you had me crying because of this i love you so so so much i cant stress it enough

(imma put a read more cos this got kinda long lol)

im so happy that you found a safe space and you feel comfortable enough to tell me all of this too. you have me on discord as well and i'd always be happy to listen to you if you need to talk or just to simply simp over 2d people lmao

and im so sorry that you've been feeling terrible, it honestly breaks my heart and i wish there was something i could do. i'd hold you and be there to fight everyone for you if i could. if those friends dont keep in touch with you, they'll be missing out and they'd be losing such a precious and amazing person. but once you lose something you always gain something - thats something i've realised so you will find the right people that will stick by you for a very long time ❤❤ i'm so glad you have your best friend there to support you and sticking by you because even when you feel like everything's just going to shit i know they'd be there for you and im happy about that

your feelings are completely valid and im glad you realised that. just know that im always going to be here too to support you and to just be there for you whenever you need it

bye the way you have my heart himani, it makes me so happy that you feel safe here and that you never felt weird about interacting with me. please you give me butterflies all the time, how could i not follow a beautiful person like you. honestly the same goes to you - i love seeing you on my dash and i love seeing you have a great time and interacting with people especially with my moots it makes me so happy i cant describe it 😭

if we ever meet im not letting you leave my side, you're gonna permanently be in my arms

i love you so much more i wish there was a way i could show just how much... im glad you found people you love and those that support you and that give you motivation. and im always going to be here to support you and for anything else you need

thank you for being comfortable enough to talk to me and to share this. you're an amazing person never doubt that 🥺🥰💖

#himani 💗#i simp for you #hazel's angels #shes a certified hazel simp 😌😏#things like this are the reason im still using tumblr #the way i had literal tears #i love you so fucking much himani #lets get married

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wwonder-landd · 4 years

Text

Talks on TikTok

Pairing: Jordan Fisher x Female Reader

Warnings: Some bad words, my bad this whole thing is one bog self insert!

Request? Yes! Tagged @johnlaurensbitch and anon request!! this is probably a very late request,, considering i’m never on tumblr.

Preview: kinda self explanatory?? but basically reader duets jordan’s tiktok and he sees it and messages her!!

Y/F/N is Your Friend’s Name!!

Masterlist

TikTok was a relatively new app in your life. You had done a few POV’s and also sang along to the Sofia The First song to “broadway attractive men: sing-a-long edition” specifically to sing along for Thayne Jasperson and Jordan Fisher. It had become a new obsession, as you replied to comments and liked funny ones that made you laugh when you couldn’t sleep.

As you swiped through your For You page and liked a few, you received a comment notification. @username: @yourusername please duet this!!!

Upon reading the comment, you first checked the username to make sure it wasn’t a weird bot account, and you realized it was not. After that, you clicked the video and it took you to Jordan Fisher’s account.

The video was a 60 second clip of Jordan singing the Orpheus part of “All I’ve Ever Known” from Hadestown. You already knew the song and you had seen Reeve in the Original Broadway Cast, alongside Eva Noblezada, prior to Coronavirus putting every inch of Broadway in the dark.

Below the video, the caption said “Duet this as Eurydice! Let me hear your voices! :) #fyp #hadestown #duet.”

Maybe you could duet it? Of course you could, it was just a simple sixty second video, it wouldn’t change or affect your life in any way shape or form. At least that’s what you initially thought.

Clicking the small swishy arrow, then clicking duet, you sang your part and finalized the video, with the caption ‘The Orpheus to my Eurydice! Cast Jordan as Orpheus or you’re cowards!!! #fyp #bway #duet #hadestown’ Granted the duet itself wasn’t anything professional and was merely for fun, as you assumed Jordan would never see it, let alone anyone from Broadway that would see your poke at the Hadestown casting directors.

You went to text your friend about your recent Glee binge while pressing play on the next episode, though Netflix should know you by now. Of course you’re ‘still watching,’ that shouldn’t even be a question. You decide to grab the bag of chips off of the coffee table before plopping yourself on the couch and settling into the plot that was the storm of Glee.

Two episodes in and your phone vibrates beside you.

Y/F/N Calling...

You accept the call and raise the phone to your ear.

“Oh my God! You saw it right? Tell me you saw it?” they shrill into your ear.

“What is ‘it?” What are you talking about?”

“Come on Y/N... Jordan commented on your post!”

“No way.. What the fuck!? Let me go see.” you respond before adding, “hold on, I’ll call you back.”

Sure enough, you opened TikTok and there was the notification, or the many notifications...

@jordan_fisher: YOU KILLED THIS! 😍

Another notification popped up, this time a little paper airplane depicting a dm.

Jordan Fisher:

Hey! You did so good on that duet!!

Does he do that to everyone who duets? What was going on...

You take a screenshot and send it to Y/F/N with ‘tell me i’m reading this wrong... this is fake...’ undernearth the screenshot.

You go back to TikTok and reply, or try to, as Y/F/N floods you with texts. ‘OMG DATE’ ‘WTF NO WAY’ ‘OMG SIS U HAVE TO’ ‘MESSAFE HIM’ ‘FLIRT FLIRT PLS OMH DO IT NOW FOT ME’

Y/N L/N:

Thank you! That means so much coming from you! Yours was phenomenal

He responded almost instantaneously.

Jordan Fisher:

Well I kinda do the singing thing for a living. Seriously though, do you sing? I’ve seen some of your videos, you’re really good!

Now he wants to actually know you? Not only that, but he’s creeped on your TikTok? He doesn’t do this with everyone... right?

Y/N L/N:

Well I knew that much. I sing in the shower! Not professionally, but I’ve written some stuff.. I wish I had the guts to get out there!

You were actually shaking, and didn’t know what to even say to him. This was all so surreal to you.

Then you got an Instagram notification.

@jordan_fisher has followed you!

Followed by a TikTok notification that Jordan had duetted you back. The duet was Jordan staring at the screen with a smile on his face while you sang the Eurydice part, then adding “OH MY GOD SHE’S LITERALLY SO GOOD!” to the end.

Comments flooded in left and right, follows on Instagram.. It seemed endless. You decide to mess with him and message him on Instagram.

@YourUsername:

You stalking me or something? 🤔

@jordan_fisher:

Maybe it’s something like that. Or maybe you just caught my eye.

@YourUsername:

Is that so?

@jordan_fisher:

Yeah, you really blew me away!

@YourUsername:

Okay Philip Hamilton blow us all away tease! Btw you did so good in that show!

@jordan_fisher:

You saw it?

@YourUsername:

Yeah I saw you as Philip and John, but couldn’t stagedoor :( but here I am talking to you so!

@jordan_fisher:

Well I’m glad the universe worked out that way!

@YourUsername:

Literally how many people can say they’re talking to their childhood crush on Instagram? Not many!

@jordan_fisher:

Childhood crush huh?

@YourUsername:

Let’s just say my younger sibling had a thing for Liv&Maddie😂

@jordan_fisher:

That’s cute though! Gotta start somehow. This is totally random, and you can say no, but what would you say to coffee sometime?

@YourUsername:

I’d say that I’ll need your number to let your know when your order is ready, just like Starbucks!

@jordan_fisher:

Oh right, like Starbucks...😂 xxx-xxx-xxxx

@YourUsername:

I’ll text you the plan yeah?

@jordan_fisher:

Can’t wait!

yikes, when this is some really bad writing and a weird ending???? it’ll probably be a part two or something idk i didn’t have an idea for the next bit?? so if anyone has any ideas pls hit the ask box up.. but beware i really forget that thing exists ajdakkjf IM GETTING BETTER AT TUMBLR I SWEAR IM RELEARNING THE WRITING THING AND THE TUMBLR THING.. trust the process pls bc i miss writing and i want ppl to like the stuff i write!! also sorry for the weird title,,, again, still getting used to this stuff again :/

#jordan fisher imagine #jordan fisher x reader #imagine #imagines #kayla writes

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uncloseted · 3 years

Note

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

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chronicillschronicpills · 4 years

Note

so hey, i just found ur blog and tbh im really looking for any advice i can get on dealing with chronic pain and fatigue? i dont mean to be a bother sorry! im just slipping into hopelessness with some people and even doctors not taking me seriously. i have done hours and hours of research and i think my symptoms may line up with sjogren's? it's just so hard for someone to look at my symptoms (even though they have been worsening since october 2019) since absolutely nothing shows up in my tests.

Hey!

This is not a bother at all. Also sorry if this is a late reply, my Tumblr never notifies me when I get messages so I have to manually check!

So to start off with, I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. It is truly horrible and I am sorry you have to deal with this. There is a massive problem with doctors not taking young people, especially women, seriously when it comes to pain and fatigue. It’s always ‘stress’ or ‘depression’ or ‘in your head’ and it’s just really infuriating. It’s a terrible place to be in.

I think this is a really important post. Its going to be LONG.

I’m going to first address the issues with doctors not taking you seriously.

It took me 7 years to get a diagnosis. This is NOT unusual. In fact, I’m almost positive that the average diagnosis time period for someone with lupus is 6 years. My first piece of advice is SELF ADVOCATE. This sounds easier than it is and it takes a lot of practice. I used to just burst into tears if I was trying to explain anything to a doctor. It is easier to self-advocate when you are calm and are clear about what you are going to say. To help with that, I suggest KEEPING A JOURNAL of your symptoms and have all your medical records in order. Make it in depth. Before an appointment, WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT. This way, you won’t forget anything. I like to reverse in my head how it is going to go. You really have to TAKE CONTROL of the appointment. You are allowed to demand certain things. I had to demand a referral to a rheumatologist when one of my shit GP’s refused to. He ended up giving me one, and on my first appointment with the rheumatologist, I was diagnosed and put on medication. It is important to DO RESEARCH but not too much. Don’t let the doctors know that you’ve done too much or they will think you’re a hypochondriac or something, maybe hurt their ego, who knows. You need to have a GOOD GP. If you don’t like your current GP, find a new one. Do research on good GP’s in your area. Ask your friends and family about theirs. Also, the best indicator for a doctor to know where you are at in my experience is saying MY QUALITY OF LIFE IS POOR. Describing your symptoms in-depth and how they affect your day to day functioning is important. Lastly, I always think you should BRING SOMEONE WITH YOU. Bring someone you trust, someone who knows about your condition. This is useful because they can back up what you say, they are there for support, and a doctor is less likely to treat you like shit with someone else present. You should also brief the person who is coming with you about what you would like them to do in the appointment. Do you want them to just stay quiet, or would you like them to sometimes talk or want them to take control of the appointment?

My advice for chronic pain

Pain killers (it make seem obvious, but they really help). This is a touchy subject for a lot of people, as there are obvious problems with long term pain killer use, but they are great for PRN. There is a possibility a doctor will not prescribe you with them though.

NSAID’s (Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) can be helpful for pain

Tricyclic antidepressants are used to treat chronic pain

Topical treatments; I use tiger balm patches. These are the ones I use: https://www.amazon.com/Tiger-Balm-Plaster-Warm-Patches/dp/B07Q6WN9ZM. They help tremendously for me. I sometimes used tiger balm cream. Other good ones are Icy Hot vanishing gel and bengay.

Pillows: I used 12 pillows to sleep with. I know it a lot. But it works really well for me. Experiment with pillows; between your knees, under your arm, behind your back, under your hip, under your legs, etc. I literally sleep on a bed of pillows.

Reduce stress. High stress= more pain

Join support groups; I am on several FaceBook pages that talk about the issues that I have. This blog on Tumblr has been incredibly helpful. It’s good to have people who understand what you’re going through.

I cannot exercise, but some people find it useful (i never did)

Some people find meditation helpful (i do not)

Massages help but obviously, that’s not always accessible, they are expensive etc.

My advice for chronic fatigue

Medications; depending on your diagnosis, some medications can help with chronic fatigue. The medicine that helps with my chronic fatigue is Plaquenil which is often used to treat fatigue-related with Sjogren’s. There are other medications that can help with the quality of sleep such as benzodiazepines and tricyclic antidepressants.

Do not do too much activity (that has helped me, but for others moving and doing exercise and movement can help)

Have a routine

If you study, make sure you tell all your teachers and lecturers beforehand that you have a health issue that may impair your ability to come to class all the time or hand in assignments on time. In my experience, they have always been really helpful and understanding.

I also studied a lot from home, using online resources. I also took fewer papers at university to make it more manageable for me.

Look after yourself, make sure you eat good foods. A lot of people try different diets but they haven’t helped me personally but have been beneficial to a lot of other people. Definitely talk to your doctor about this though.

Give yourself a break, do not be too hard on yourself if you cant do the things that others are doing

Some doctors consider stimulant medication but I have not tried this

Lastly! Sjogren’s!

I know a bit about Sjogren’s because it’s related to the disease that I have. It is an autoimmune disorder. If you think you have Sjogren’s then you need to ask your GP to do blood tests associated with Sjogren’s such as rheumatoid factor, ANA, antibodies (anti-Ro (SS-A) and anti-La (SS-B) antibodies). Ask for a referral to a rheumatologist. SELF ADVOCATE. Do not stop until you find your answer. Also, get routine bloods. It is common for them to change over time. I

If any of my followers have Sjorgens and have any advice, please comment!

I hope this helped, I wish I could come up with more advice on how to deal with chronic pain and fatigue, but I know it is really hard. If any of my followers made it this far and have any tips, please add to this post and reblog it so that more people can see and add to it.

EDIT TO ORIGINAL POST

This information was supplied by a tumblr user called @graciecatfamilyband who actually has Sjorgens. They said:

Blood work and other tests CANNOT rule Sjogren’s OUT. This makes it very difficult to diagnose

30% of Sjogren’s patients will have negative blood work.Other tests may also not be sufficient, depending on where you are in your disease progress

Doctors are often undereducated about Sjogren’s and don’t see it as as serious as it is

Many patients will have neuro symptoms as well as other significant symptoms like fatigue before their lip biopsy focal score is 1 (which is considered “positive” for Sjogren’s).

https://www.sjogrensadvocate.com/ is a great resource for people who think they might have this disease. It also cites research articles you can show your doctor if you need to

They also offered to help out anyone who want to reach out to them if they have questions or need advice about Sjorgens and also, with diagnosis’s.

Keep in touch, let me know how it goes. Don’t be afraid to reach out and dm me.

Love Aston

#ask #personal #asks #lupus #sjogrens

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balizardsnakething · 4 years

Text

TW DRAMA AND ME ACTING ON MY EMOTIONS CAUSE OF THIS POST

Granted I did post this after sending her an apology and I’m glad I now have official confirmation that she has seen said apology. The very fact that I have sent an apology means that I had got over the situation and just didn’t care about it anymore. I also tagged @toomanyfamdom because we thought it was ✨funny✨ and have gotten over the situation (unlike some).

It should also be noted that I haven’t had any contact with Maddy since everything that happened and at least had the decency to send an apology and move on. Also, for the record, I had nothing to do with that list of toxicity. That list was put together and shown to me by my friends. I then continued to FORWARD THE SAME MESSAGE to Maddy because I disagreed with the list.

Let’s see, shall we? Up first on the list of hell that I had nothing to do with (and disagree with) there is... “inconsiderate of time zones and peoples family life.” This eventually turned out to be accurate, not just for me but for many others. Madison would organise events like DnD games at UNGODLY hours in the morning (because she is in American time zones) and when us British people were unable to turn up she would kick them from the game and then proceed to shame their character for an hour. Granted her uncle did pass (im very sorry for your loss), but that had nothing to do with anything. Many of us (including myself) helped Maddy and were there for her, and I have plenty of messages to prove it.

ANOTHER thing to do with time is when I was added to one of the greatest Instagram group chats in the world! However, my sleep was abruptly ruined when Maddy group-called the chat at 4am because she wanted to play Minecraft with a friend. Please direct call next time... thanks.

Whilst on the subject of time family life, one of the most memorable things this girl did was shame me and attack me on one of the discord servers we were both on. What made this even worse was that I had an audition for a London West End theatre school which had the power to change my LIFE. And Maddy knew this and also knew that it was worrying me and that I was extremely stressed about it. You may say ‘oh, it's just a coincidence’. If you believe that please explain why said post tagged everyone and was posted 5 mins before my audition. Maddy knew this would stress me out, I spoke about the audition and my ability to read into things many times before and she knew this would get to me! A lot of the things Maddy did were petty shit, but then again, that’s who she is.

Next up is... “shows blatant favouritism.” Well, it’s no surprise Maddy has so many friends! But which ones does she actually care about? My friends and I witness this first hand on many occasions, one of which being another DnD game where she was the dungeon master. Maddy made the turn order by (and I quote’, “the order is in who I love the most.” This caused some of us to feel a little uncomfortable, but we continued until Maddy put each character on a path to different destinations and explained which each path was. By the time it got to me, my dyspraxia/dyslexia couldn't hold the information, and I asked Maddy to explain them all again. Maddy agreed and but then ended with, “You just used up you go, Charley.” I was so confused! Apparently, explanations waste a turn??? But this was fine by me until Maddy explained the destinations to another player, but this time, she let them choose where they wanted to go instead of keeping them on the bench, awaiting their turn. Maddy would also allow people to have longer goes/round claiming that there was more to their story. My turn would be around 2mins where someone else would be 5. Again, petty shit which still happens to make people upset.

Note: It was not just me who felt this way! Many others slid into my dms because they felt upset with how Maddy treated others but not themselves.

Up next is, “making your best friend feel like shit for making a joke”. Another reminder, this list wasn’t written by me, it was written by my friend who was watching from the outside. And this is very true. I would often make jokes with people about Donald Trump and America because their laws and president (not anymore) were stupid. This always seemed to annoy Maddy and hurt her feelings. I would often make a throwaway comment but end up feeling bad about it because Maddy would leave the call. I always felt like I was walking on thin ice with her because if I said something even remotely controversial, she would not speak to me and leave the call. This really hurt me because I cared about my friends a heck of a lot and never wanted to ruin any relationships with them. I would send countless messages to Maddy, apologising and crying to her, telling her not to be mad at me. THAT 👏🏻 IS 👏🏻 A 👏🏻 TOXIC 👏🏻 RELATIONSHIP 👏🏻 One joke shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of a friendship,, but that is what It always felt like! Also, Maddy never specified it was a trigger until recently, and even after she did say it was a trigger, I held back so she could feel comfortable.

The final thing is: “made you feel bad for your emotions.” Madison needs to learn that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and that people deal with things in different ways. Not everyone is smart, sensitive or skinny like she is. Whenever anyone hurt my friends, I would lash out and act upon my emotions because I didn’t know what else to do. This is something Maddy heavily criticised me for and something that eventually resulted in me listening to high-frequency sounds so I could get rid of my emotions and feel numb. My logic was that I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again by jumping the gun and acting upon emotion. But thanks to others, I was pulled out of that loop, and I’ve learnt to use logic and reason as well as emotion.

As for “breaking my heart”. Yes. Our friendship ending did hurt me, a lot. Just like everything with you, it is very one-sided. I was reaching out, listening and trying to help Maddy repair relationships with people whom she’d hurt. We both said equally bad things which made the ‘relationship’ toxic, and I would just like to point out that the name, ‘evil Maddy’ is cringe and I’m ashamed I was ever friends with you considering you used that in a callout post. /hj

---------------

Sarcasm aside, ima be real here because I am not afraid to tell my side of the story. So, @ thenameisnoone / Maddy. Here is a long-ass response to the post you made about me. xx

Look, I’m not going to call you out or use Politics_notmything to cancel you because I’m not like that. I’m an actual good person who really tried with Maddy and dis my best to change myself to make her feel comfortable. I left a group chat with all my friends for a week and blamed it on ‘family issues’ because I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I made an entire Birthday PowerPoint for her, which included some of my best and favourite bootlegs. I made a genuine effort, but Maddy didn't really do anything else but tell me to “calm down” or “not throw everything away and give in to anger or despair and calm down until you can think rationally and make a logical decision”.

And I’m glad I actually saw this because this is a classic Maddy move. She argues with people, builds up a situation then removes/blocks them, so they cant see everything she’s saying about them (i have proof of this from a server im in.) It has happened before, and she manipulated people into believing her side of the story.

“I am allowed to block people who lie to me about serious topics even though they have trust issues which makes them unable, to tell the truth, if it hurts them. I am allowed to talk to people who blow up on me before hearing my side of things where they would have realised what they thought is wrong even though I dont get back to people until 3am and decide to leave them on delivered/read for days at a time when I am happily talking in other servers. I am allowed to block people who accuse me of shit-talking them with my friends who I introduced them to (and I never do that) when I have only defended them and said friends genuinely were being nice to them even if they have proof. I am allowed to block people. Period.” - Maddy

And I’m not saying Maddy isn't allowed to block people. It’s a free world. Im just defending myself :)

Granted, Maddy did defend me and say that this situation shouldn’t change anyone opinions on me, and I can say the same. Just because I had a terrible experience with Maddy, doesn’t mean she is a bad person and I encourage anyone online who loves women’s’ history and WATT to befriend her.

But being honest, she did also call me a bitch on a Tumblr callout post, so I had to come and write this all down for safekeeping and reblogging purposes. Im not a bitch, and that is why I’m not using my following to cancel her. But anyway, we both had some shit experiences with each other so you can read this and make up your own mind even though I did back her up with the previous call-out post, sent her my support, apologised and didn’t block her when she was at a bad time in her life or when she needed help. If anyone has a problem with me posting this, please contact me via DM.

Sorry, not sorry ‘bout what I said. I’m just tired of your petty shit.

#it was supposed to be a joke #u took it too far #like u always do #please just move on #your causing so much unnecessary drama #no offence #but this is just stupid #also dont presume in not gonna find out #can we also talk about how #i destroyed my mental health for u #cos u wanted someone to spy for u #cos u were once again #BEING PETTY #also florida sucks #i just thought id mention #make sure ya'll vote biden next time

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stellawolfe30 · 4 years

Text

~Divinities~

Our story begins in a lonely forest where birds sing happily and plant life thrives. the sun has just set with the moon taking its place covering the earth in its silvery light. The stars covering the sky with their white light. The sky itself shone of dark purples and blues.

It had been the a very beautiful night for mobians across the globe but tonight we focus on the lonely forest.

Where the moon seems to have focused its light in a small opening between the trees. It’s light covered the grass as it began to glow a faint white. the light only grew stronger and speks of white magic began to float from the ground into the sky. From this light a form began to appear. The magic fading from the grass and surrounding this delicate form.

The light slowly vanished revealing a young hedgehog boy. His body wrapped in a teal and white kimono. He had soft ivory fur and quills that laid over his shoulder and on the grass . He laid on the grass as if he was in a deep sleep. Not a creature or force of nature dared to disturb him.

He was truly a beautiful sight to behold, as if an angel and graced the land with its presence.

The young boy began to stir. Slowly opening his golden colored eyes.

He lazily pushed himself up and looked around. confusion lacing his face.

“Wh-what?” he said in a soft and quiet voice. He held his hand close to his heart, tears threatening to fall from the panic he felt grabbing a hold on his chest making it hard to breathe. Suddenly both hands were around his chest. His knee’s close to his chest.

Little did he know blue magic began to illuminate from the ground, surrounding him

*crack*

The magic disappeared as he whipped his head around. someone had stepped on a branch. Another hedgehog with black fur. The boy could hardly see him hiding in the shadow.

But he was there.

They shared eye contact for a moment until he looked behind the ivory hedgehog and instantly turned to shadow and disappeared.

The young boy confused to no end looked behind him and saw yet again two hedgehogs. a young azure and and older looking black one. The black one had red stripes on certain parts of his body and he wore straps holding a satchel on one side and a gun on the other.

The blue hedgehog wore red sneakers and a light blue and white scarf.

The silver hedgehog cowered beneath them by instinct alone.

Although, truly the white hedgehog felt safe not only because they looked at him with a sense of worry and compassion.

But something deep inside

Something told him

In his very core

that he could trust them

That this was only the beginning

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Chapter 2 Eh? im not a girl!!

a blue hedgehog wearing red sneakers, white gloves and a blue scarf,

A black hedgehog with red stripes who wore red rocket shoes and a belt holding a satchel on one side and a gun

Walked side by side in a lonely forest. The sun had just set leaving the moons out and a cool nightly breeze blowing through thier quills. I seems as if they were in the middle of a conversation

“So, you felt it to, something or…someone calling to you?” He blue one asked

“Yes” she ebony one replied

“But what could it be? The chaos emeralds maybe?” The blue on said

“No, the chaos emeralds have never called to any of us before why now? Its just illogical” the black one replied frustrated

“…,maybe somethings up…like something really bad” the blue one answered

“No, and the emeralds are all safe on angel island and we are heading in the opposite direction. if anyone you should know this faker!” the ebony one said

“Eh….yeah ok you got me there shadow , I have no ide-“

the two boys stopped in thier tracks.

Suddenly a bright light illimuminated the sky’s ahead of them but vanished just as quickly as is appeared.

But then

A cold feeling clenched thier hearts,

the blue one fell on his hands and knees clutching his heart.shadow rushed over to him, the cold feeling fading from his own chest.

“Sonic!” He yelled

“I-im fine, it just..,startled me” Sonic said out of breath

“What was that?” Shadow asked helping Sonic up but he noticed something, under Sonics scarf. Shadow only saw a glimpse so he wasn’t sure but he could’ve sworn he saw a scar

“I-i think whatever calling us is in trouble” sonic said

“Then we should hurry” shadow replied

“Race ya!” Sonic said before speedin off. Shadow activated his rockets boots to follow sonic but byethe time he caught up sonic was no longer running. He stopped by a clearing where a white hedgehog wrapped in a silky blue and white kimono lay on the ground. He seemed to be looking behind him at...something…a shadow but It seemed to notice shadow and sonic, then disappeared.

The white hedgehog finnaly noticed sonic and shadow and immediately became frightened.

“H-hey you dont need to be scared of us” sonic comforted

“We’re here to help” he encouraged

The white hedgehog put his hand on the ground and raised it back up as blue energy engulfed it and parts of the ground began to glow the same color and raised from the ground.

“Heeeeey, buddy I promise w-were not here to hurt you” sonic stated

“H-how do I know that!” The white one stressed

“Uuuhh” sonic scratched his head in thought. Shadow stepped up

“You feel it too dont you? Your the one who called us here!” He said

“Wha-no?!” The white one said “b-but I d-do feel…something…”

“Ok, so we can all agree that something called us together. So can u put the big rocks down now please?” Sonic said

“O-okay” the white one said moving his hand down thus the flaoting rocks were set down on the ground

“Phew, ok so what’s your name miss?” Sonic asked

“Miss?!” The white hedgehog yelled confused

“I-im not a girl!!!” He continued to explain. Shadow hit sonics side with his elbow

“Hey! ok ok, sorry I just saw the kimono and-“

“K-kimono, whats that?” The still unnamed hedgehog asked

“The dress you are wearing” shadow said

“I-im not” the white hedgehog finally took a look at himself and was shocked. He didn’t remember ever putting this on. where would he even have gotten something like this back…back home.

Where even was he?

“Anyways what is your name?” Sonic asked snapping the young white hedgehog out of his thoughts. He hesitated for a moment realizing, even if there was a chance these guys were lying to him telling them his name wouldn’t hurt

At least he hoped so

“S-s-sil…Silver….my-my name is silver” he said

“Cool, my name is sonic and this is shadow. What are you doing out here all alone?” Sonic said squatting down in front of silver with shadow standing behind

“I-i don’t know, I found s-some kind of glowing rock an-and ended up here…wherever here is?” Silver explained

sonic perked up “Oh well your in luck, were close to emerald city you ca-“

“Wait emerald city still standing?!!” Silver asked with desperation

“What do you mean” shadow asked

“Its was just destroyed, i barely escaped!!” Silver stated

“Noooo, its still here” sonic said

“B-but iblis destroyed it. Its gone a-and so I-is everyone e-else” silver said his voice getting quieter by the word. His eyes starting to water from he memory of his home being destroyed

“Who’s iblis?” sonic asked which made silver finally snap

“Who’s iblis?!?!? only the creature that’s been terrorizing all of mobius for over 200 years. Emerald city was the last place anyone had to go and now its gone!!!” Silver stressed, tears now falling down his face. He noticed this and buried his face into his hands.

Sonic stood and turned to shadow “I think we should take him back to my place. This iblis guy sounds like trouble”

“For once I agree with you faker, whoever iblis is, we cannot allow him to terrorize anyone else” shadow stated turning to the crying hedgehog. Sonic then crouched down again

“Hey silver you wanna come back to my place, I’ve got a couple of friends who can help us and we can figure out what’s going on” sonic asked

“Silver wiped his eyes and looked up at sonic “o-okay” silver began to stand but faltered when a sharp pain ran through his left leg. Sonic though was able to catch silver before he fell to the ground

“Agh!…I-i forgot, my legs sprained” silver said (ignore the wierd text something wierd happened here idk )

“Oh, well I can carry you no problem” sonic suggested

“N-no I can fly” silver said activating his powers as a light blue glow surrounded him and lifting his body of the ground but the glow quickly faded and sonic had to catch him again. It was as if on cue silvers stomach grumbled stating he was hungry.

“Nope…can’t fly, too weak” silver said leaning on sonic

“Well carrying it is” sonic said adjusting silver on his back. Shadow picked up a straight stick and pulled out a small roll of bandages from his satchel. Shadow then put the stick on silvers leg and wrapped the bandage around.

“That should be good enough until we can get you to a doctor” he said

“Th-thank you…both to you” silver said

“No problem, I’m sonic the hedgehog hero of mobius, I try and do everything I can so help people. Shadow here is my sidekick” sonic said. Shadow merely scoffed at the statement

“I am no ones sidekick faker!” He stated

Sonic chuckled “Whatever you say emo boy” sonic said running off

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if you like my story and want to read more here are the links. i wont be posting more chapters here on tumblr i just wanted to advertise my fic. it only has six chapters so far but if you like this id love it if you checked them out on archiveofourown or wattpad

ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN

WATTPAD

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