#long break

[cult-of-husbandos]

yami ai [yandere] - Hot Yandere Singles Near You

synopsis: you click on a random pop-up ad and are visited by weird smiling man in suit.

genre: pure crack (like fr), fluff, tbh there's not really a plot

word count: 4.4k

warnings: implied stalking

Isn’t insomnia just the worst? Like, seriously? What’s the point of being a human being with antiquated thoughts and impressive cognitive and motor skills when your brain fights you on the most basic stuff. For example, like sleeping!!

You must’ve refreshed YouTube and Twitter over a thousand times. Over 8 billion people in the world and there’s no new content anywhere? You groaned and jumped back over onto Twitter, silently praying and pleading for something new to show up on your feed. Maybe a wacky billionaire got eaten by a mob of homeless people or maybe a news article about a Floridian doing something gross and outrageous and virtually impossible.

But nope. Nothing.

Not a single thing piqued your interest. You groaned again and looked at the time on your dimly lit phone. It was past 2 a.m. and you were bored out of your mind. You then lazily clicked on Google and sighed.

‘Maybe someone posted a new fanfic over something…’ you hoped. And even if there wasn’t a new fic uploaded you’ll just read the old ones you favorited. Perhaps reading something might put you to sleep.

As you were scrolling through your favorite ship tags, you were startled by a pop up ad covering up 90% of the screen and flashing emojis.

“Ugh… seriously?” you groaned. “They should make ad-blockers on phones for this shit.” You squinted at the bright lettering emanating from your phone even though it was at the lowest brightness setting.

⚠️(99+) Hot Yandere Singles NEAR YOU⚠️

Yandere’s…? Singles? Near me?

The pop-up ad had flashing peach, cherry, and eggplant emojis with a water splash emoji at the end to signify… well, you’re not sure what it was trying to signify. On the sides of the ad, it showed pictures of very gorgeous men and women, all striking suggestive poses. Underneath the title was a small summary that read. ‘These lonely desperate yanderes wanna meet you! They’ll most likely find you anyway, but wouldn’t you rather be the honey to a bee instead of a fly? Try it NOW for FREE!! No hookups! No catfishes! No sign ups!’ Then below that were a few empty boxes to fill out requiring your personal information.

"..."

Was this a porn ad?!

No way at 2:45 in the freaking morning did you just get a porn pop-up ad while googling mafia au fanfiction. This has to be some kind of joke. Maybe it was prank and someone was just fucking with you. And how and why would there be 99+ yanderes in your area?! You couldn’t be surrounded by that many psychos. Could you? Whatever the case may be, it was now past 2 a.m. and as the rule of life states ‘Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.’. You don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or just reckless curiosity, but you gave your shoulders a shrug and mumbled a ‘fuck it’ as you put in your information. Your name, number, gender, age, preferred sex, email, and mailing address. As you clicked submit and continued scrolling, you gave very little thought about how this would go down.

On one hand, the ad turns out to be real and you get a partner out of this. Or

You get quartered, stalked, doxxed, and murdered like the dumbass you are for putting your personal info into a sketchy porno-like pop-up on Google.

Or, it turns out to be a prank and some asshole sitting in a basement has a good laugh at you.

Meh. You’ll deal with it in the morning.

*****

You were jolted awake with the sound of rapid knocking coming from your front door. You groaned into your pillow as you tried to ignore the person desperately wanting your attention from outside your apartment. You finally got some sleep only for it to get interrupted. Only minutes and minutes of continued knocking without any signs of letting up, you decide to get up and shoo away whoever it was. You wearily grabbed your phone to check the time.

8:02 a.m.

You huffed as you stormed towards the front door.

“If this a fucking Jehova’s Witness, I swear to god…” you grumbled. You swung open the door and threw the person a harsh glare, only to be met with popping sounds as confetti flew in your face.

“Good morning, my dear darling~!! Are you ready to begin on the road to happiness and love?” the stranger shouted a far too happy tone for 8 in the morning.

You took a step back in shock, fully awake as you waved and dusted the confetti from your face and hair. You looked the strange man up and down. He was smiling ear to ear and wore an expensive looking suit to warm for the summer weather. A briefcase stood right beside him along with dozens of other party poppers and a white plastic bag filled with brown bottles with oddly enough no labels on them. You looked at the man’s face. He was surprisingly attractive and without a single flaw anywhere. His hair was jet black and shined a very prominent gloss. You were honestly kind of embarrassed to be seen by him when you looked like such a mess. The man let out a chuckle.

“Oh my.” he said, gently putting his hand over his mouth with vague concern. “I hope I didn’t startle you too much. I probably should’ve sent you an email notifying you of the time I was coming. I’m sorry that must’ve been a troubling awakening.”

You quirked your eyebrow and took another step back, grabbing onto the doorknob so that you could slam it right in his face if things got too weird.

“And… you are?”

“Oh my, oh my. Where are my manners? How careless of me to assume.” The man bowed with a curtsy. “I am the ‘Matchmaker’. My job is to pair two people with their fated soulmate and give each of my clients their happily ever after. It’s very nice to meet you, (Y/N) (L/N).”

You felt a chill crawl down your spine. How’d this weirdo know your name?! You tried to close the door as fast as you could, but the ‘Matchmaker’ was even faster. He clicked his tongue at you, his smile unchanging, but his eyes seemed to harden his gentle tone.

“My, how rude. Is that any way to treat a guest?” He let out another chuckle. “You’ll never find love that way.”

“H-How did you know my name?” you stuttered.

Again, another chuckle. What was so funny? “My dear~. You gave it to me.”

What the hell was he talking about? How could you have given this creep your name? Was he a stalker? A junkie? Noticing the confusion on your face, the man spoke up again.

“Oh my dear. Do you really not remember?” he asked, tilting his head in feign innocence. “You filled out an ad to meet singles in your area. And here I am, coming to fulfill that ad.”

You eased up on the tension you had on the door and tilted your head in surprised confusion. “That was a real ad?”

The man stood up tall and smiled earnestly again. “Of course. However, you are the first person to actually fill out that ad. Really, this is more of a celebration to both of us.”

Huh, so the pop-up ad was real.

Not a prank.

And now there’s a psycho standing at your front door promising you a partner from an actual yandere.

“I honestly thought it was a prank. I mean… yanderes? Isn’t that just an anime thing?”

“Oh, I assure you my darling.” he said with a snide smirk. “Yanderes are real. And when they heard about signing up, it was like tossing chicken in a sea of alligators. All clamoring to be the first person to take a bite.”

Okay, gross but kind of sweet.

“May I come in?”

“Huh?”

“Well, my dear. It would be easier to come in and talk through the process of how this goes instead of standing here.”

“Oh, um… Suuuree-”

“Great! My my darling~. What a lovely home. Very well decorated.” The man quickly strided into your house and made himself comfortable in your living room, looking as if he was analyzing every detail about your house.

Richard Chase would’ve loved your dumbass.

You shut the door and followed him into your own apartment and offered him a seat on your couch. Might as well, right? You’ve gone this far and you're still alive.

“Umm…” you hesitantly shifted from one foot to another. “Do you… um… want some coffee maybe? Or tea? Maybe a glass of water? If you haven;t eaten breakfast yet, I whip you up something.”

Yeah, sure. Feed the man with only a title for a name and waltzed right into your house after showing up after you put in your personal information into a random pop-up ad at 3 a.m. promising you a happy life with hot single yanderes in your area. You are the pinnacle of human genius. The apex of natural selection. The creme de la creme of common sense. Charles Darwin would be so impressed.

“How thoughtful. Just coffee would be fine. Thank you.”

After brewing a quick pot, you sat across from the man facing him heads on and gently slid him his steaming cup. After a while of taking little sips in weird silence, he spoke up again.

“Before we continue, I’d just like to say: Thank you so much for applying for this wonderful opportunity!! Not many people would click on an ad requiring doxxing information to meet their soulmates! Again, congrats on being our number one willing client!”

“Willing client?” you asked.

“Well, of course! For some reason, humans seem to really love the idea of a yandere until there’s one standing on their front porch!” he laughed.

“Humans? I’m sorry. Are you not human, Mr…?”

“Ah ah! No need for formalities! Just ‘The Matchmaker’ or simply ‘Matchmaker’.

“Oh, so… you don’t have a true name? Or is that just a title?”

“Oh darling~.” he sang sweetly. “That’s none of anyone’s fucking business, is it?”

Your eyes widened and let out a nervous chuckle. “Okay, got it! Just Matchmaker. Lovely name. Adore it. In fact, I love when strange mysterious men only give a title for a name.” What the hell does that even mean? You had no idea what you were saying anymore.

“Heh, smart cookie.” He winked. “Shall we begin?”

“Um, yeah, so… how does this work exactly?” you finally asked.

“Simple, my dear darling. Think of this as an ordinary matchmaking appointment. I have a stack of potential soulmates all ready to meet you. I have the same information about them that I also have of you. Each potential soulmate also has a picture so if you don’t really feel up to meeting face-to-face just yet you can look over the picture and see who captures your heart.”

“Face-to-face? So these guys have my picture too?” “Of course! And might I say, those pictures don’t do you justice. In all my years in this business, I’ve never seen such an obsession and overload of potential soulmates for just one person.”

You lightly blushed. “I-I don’t know about that… I barely got any sleep last night so I probably look like a zombie right now…”

“Au contraire, Darling. You look absolutely stunning. If I weren’t such a professional I would burn all these forms and claim you as my one and only~.”

You felt your entire face flush red as the Matchmaker pierced your soul with his longing gaze. It felt like he was staring into your very essence – like he could read you like a book. You nervously cleared your throat and shifted your eyes away, hoping to bring down your blush.

“S-So! Um… should we get started?” you stuttered, internally kicking yourself for being so easily flustered by a couple of smooth words. Ted Bundy would’ve had a field day with your dumbass.

“Ready whenever you are, my dear.” The Matchmaker set his briefcase on your coffee table and pulled out a single form and slid it over towards you. “Let’s start off with an easy one.”

You looked at the form along with the picture of a very attractive man paperclipped to the paper. According to the form, his name is Hamazawa Akita. He was in his early 20’s, had a varying array of hobbies from hiking to scuba diving, and was very much in love with you.

“Well, what do you think?”

“Hm, well, he’s very cute. And very active.”

“Would you like to meet him?”

“Um, sure… is there a number I could call or…?”

“No need! We can bring him in right now.” The Matchmaker snapped his fingers and you whipped your head towards the front door where Akita strolled in, all smiles. You looked back over the Matchmaker. “Did I not lock my door? Wait. More importantly, how’d he get here?!”

The Matchmaker smiled. “My dear, when you’re in this business you pick up a few tricks.” He then turned his attention towards Akita who now stood in the middle of the living room. “No. 1 would you like to introduce yourself?”

Akita stood tall and his eyes seemed to beam directly at you. “My name is Hamazawa Akita. Ever since I saw your picture I’ve dreamed about sweeping you off your feet and claiming you all to myself!”

“So, like 8 hours ago?”

“Yes!! But those hours feel like years when being away from you.”

“Hmm.”

“So, what do you think? Are you feeling the butterflies?”

You looked up Akita up and down and your face twisted as if you’re deciding on whether or not to buy a car or a piece of clothing.

“Um, to be honest my guy. I’m not feeling it.”

“Huh?”

“Excuse me, my darling?”

“Weeeelllll…. I mean, don’t get me wrong! You’re very attractive and your words are sweet, but I don’t think I believe any of it. Like, you just admitted to wanting me all to yourself only 8 hours ago, but I don’t really feel anything. Not even a shiver.”

The Matchmaker and Akita both looked at each other like they weren’t really expecting that. With a quick wave of his hand, Akita slumped his shoulders and headed towards your front door. You shouted out an apology as the dejected suitor walked out.

“Well, I didn’t expect that. I don’t normally get such competent clients. At least those that get past kicking and screaming.” The Matchmaker grinned. You shrugged.

“I guess I just know what I like. All the anime I’ve watched kind of gives you that high standard of what makes a yandere a real yandere, y’know?”

He nodded. “I cannot agree more. Well, we have plenty more where that came from. Shall we continue?”

*****

Papers were strewn across your coffee table in an unorganized fashion as both you and your estranged guest were tired beyond belief. You had no idea how many hours had passed nor how many guests were in and out of your apartment. You’re honestly surprised none of your neighbors complained or called the police. Your apartment would’ve looked like a clown car if anyone had been watching from the outside. You honestly lost count after No. 256. You let out another yawn and laid on your side trying your best to keep your eyes open. Maybe 2 hours of sleep wasn’t enough for the multiple interviews you had to conduct today. Maybe your 9th grade biology teacher was right. Maybe you are going to die alone. A weary sigh brought you from your thoughts.

“My, my. You are definitely the most high standard client I’ve ever had. I didn’t think we’d get to the triple digits in just one day.”

You also sighed and sat up in your seat. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… All these guys are cute and all, but they’re all lacking something. They’re either too forceful or not forceful enough. Too wimpy or too strong. Or too obsessed or just incredibly so lovesick that I feel like they’d fall in love with just about anyone who’d be willing. Ugh, why can’t this be simpler like adopting an animal?” You groaned. You also hadn’t thought this would take this long. You didn’t really think of yourself as having high standards until today. Until today, you’d be happy with anyone close to you in age and with a heartbeat. Who knew picking out a yandere soulmate would be so challenging. And who knew that there’d be so many willing participants! The Matchmaker reached into his briefcase and pulled another stack of forms and slid them over to you. There must be at least over a hundred papers in front of you. How did he have so many?!

“How about we switch things up, hm? You’ll look over the papers and when you see someone that catches your eye, I’ll bring him in.” He made it sound like you were adopting a dog or a cat. But if this made it go any faster, you were willing to try.

After about 3 more stacks of papers, you were starting to lose hope and patience. When you got to the last few papers, you stopped dead in your tracks. Woah baby!

“Woah baby!” you exclaimed.

“Did you find someone you like?” The Matchmaker asked hopefully.

“Oh yeah. This guy.” You showed him the paper. He furrowed his brows a little.

“Are you sure? I don’t think I remember this man. His name and face don’t seem familiar.”

“Really? Maybe he’s a late entry or something?”

Matchmaker stroked his chin in thought. “I’ll go check it out. Be right back, dear. I’m very sorry for this inconvenience.”

You waved off his apology with a smile and he left your apartment. You then leaned back with a groan. You just wanted to find your ‘soulmate’ or whatever and move on with this day. You closed your eyes for a second and waited patiently for Matchmaker to come back.

Tap tap tap

Just like deja vu, you were awoken by rapid knocking. Except this time it wasn’t coming from your front door.

Tap tap tap tap

It sounds like it’s coming from… your window?

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

You quickly got up and walked towards your window and opened it.

“Woah!” You jumped back a little as you were met face to face with the man that you had picked out and that the Matchmaker went to go find.

‘Wow… he’s even cuter in person!!’

He let out a delicious chuckle and gave you a charming smile.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, darling~. Hehe, though I think that fear in your eyes was worth it. So adorable~.” For the second time today, a complete weirdo stranger has made you blush. Wait…

“Wait! I don’t have a balcony and I’m on the third floor. How’d you-?” You peeked over the window to see if he was pulling a Criss Angel.

“I have incredible grip strength~.” he winked.

“Oooh I’m sure~.” you swooned. For a weirdo, he was a smooth talking weirdo.

“Oh, I got these for you, sweetheart~.” He pulled himself up and sat on your windowsill and pulled out a bouquet of roughly cut flowers from behind him. You gasped and grabbed them, giving them a smell.

“These are my favorite!! How did you know? I don’t think that was one of the pieces of info required for the Matchmaker.” you asked.

The stranger chuckled. “Easy. I never filled out that stupid application.”

You looked up from your flowers and titled your head like a confused puppy.

“I already know everything about you. I don’t need a stupid piece of paper to tell me what I already know about you. Like, how I know that you have secret sweets hidden all throughout your room. Or that whenever you have a good day you love to sing Stray Kids.”

He inched closer to you as you backed up further into the room.

“You won’t eat frozen pizza, but every so often you eat a lobster roll from a food truck from Gary on Main St.. You have life destroying evidence of your boss that you’re planning on using on your last day. You’ve seen the Barbie movie 5 times. And…”

You felt your legs hit the couch and tried to keep yourself from falling onto your back like a defenseless turtle.

“Your favorite anime is… Dar-” You quickly covered the stranger’s mouth with a furious blush.

“I only watch it ironically!! I don’t love it! It’s not my favorite!” you quickly clarified. The gravity of the situation was made perfectly clear after that. This man really knew all about you. Honestly, you’re so loud that you’re pretty sure that people on the ground outside could hear you singing. And you don’t really pay attention to your surroundings so it's easy for someone to know that you eat from a food truck every other week at specific times. But, knowing your favorite secretly watched anime?

“W-Who… are you?” you stuttered. You’re pretty sure you already knew the answer.

He laughed and you felt his lips brush against your fingers. You blushed and tried to pull back, only to be stopped by his hands.

“Sweetie~. You already know who I am.” He grabbed the paper from the stack and put it next to his face. “See? I’m Yami Ai. Your soulmate.”

Before you could even process what was happening, you were gently pushed onto the couch with Yami hovering over you holding your hands beside your head. You couldn’t stop the blush erupting from your neck to your face. Your heart was beating way too fast and your stomach felt jumpy and queasy. Butterflies.

You cleared your throat. “Um… so, if you didn’t fill out a form then how come The Matchmaker had your profile and picture? And why didn’t you use the front door?”

Yami smirked and leaned in closer. “It’s pretty simple to pull off when your apartment does security checks on new guests entering the building.”

“But, my apartment doesn’t–” you stopped. “Ooooh… So you impersonated a security guard, slipped your profile and info into his briefcase, and were planning on showing up as one of the potential singles? That’s… convoluted. But, smart.” You shrugged. “And since you obviously knew which floor I was on and which window was mine, I assume you’ve been watching me for a while and were watching me last night when I couldn’t sleep?”

Yami laughed again. “You are so smart~. You really catch on quickly, don’t you?”

You shrugged again with a nervous smile. “W-Well, obviously not smart enough to not put in my personal info and have strange men come in and out of my apartment.”

Yami was quick to turn his gentle smile into a hard, harsh frown. His grip on your wrists grew tighter and you winced under the force he placed in you.

“You know, my darling. It’s partially my fault. If I hadn’t backed out and taken you that night, you’d never be in this situation. With those men eyeing you up and down like you were theirs. Having that smiling freak calling you ‘dear’ and ‘darling’ when only I can call you that. I was planning on getting rid of the competition, but you did that for me.”

Yami loosened his grip and lifted you up, staring into your eyes. You blushed again.

“Rejection after rejection. Some guys didn’t even get 2 words out before you turned away. Of course my darling would only want the most perfect man. Isn’t that right, darling~?”

“Hehehe~” you leaned in with a giggle. “You’re so sweet~.”

You are such a baby for flattery.

*****

“My dear darling, I’m so very sorry for the inconvenience. I didn’t mean to be gone for so long, but I could not find this person you–” Matchmaker explained, rushing in and stopping dead in his tracks when he saw both you and Yami, the man who left 30 minutes ago to go find, eating breakfast in the living room.

Sitting in his lap.

And feeding each other.

“Oh! Matchmaker!” you exclaimed, quickly swallowing your food. You didn’t notice Yami tightening his grip on your waist nor did you notice the cold glare and tense atmosphere enveloping the room. “Look who I found~.”

“I see…” he said hesitantly.

“He climbed up the building and came in through the window.”

“My~. How romantic~.” he sang. “So, I take it that you are satisfied with your soulmate? Or… do you wish to continue searching?” he asked teasingly. Before Yami could say anything, you quickly spoke again.

“Yep! I’m sure.” You ruffled Yami’s hair and nuzzled up against him. “I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.” Yami hugged you closer to his chest as you giggled. “Plus, he makes the most amazing breakfast in the world, so extra points!” you cheered. You reached out towards the Matchmaker’s briefcase.

“Here you go! I put all the papers back in for you.”

Matchmaker quickly walked over and grabbed his briefcase along with your hand. “Well, my dear. It’s been an honor. You are truly the most remarkable and memorable client I have ever had.” he said with a bow and made his way towards the door. However, before leaving he chuckled and looked back at the both of you. “Although, it’s a shame,” he sighed. “Maybe if I had stayed, I would’ve snatched you up myself.”

And with a final loud laugh, The Matchmaker disappeared, but not before Yami stood up to lounge and attack the fleeting man like a guard dog. You snorted and caressed his face to calm him down. “Relax, Yami. He’s just joking.”

“Well, I hated his joke. Fuckin’ freak…” he grumbled. “And it’s Ai. You’re mine now. You should get used to calling each other by our first names.”

You smiled and leaned against him. “Okay, Ai. Whatever you say.”

“And if a man comes to the door, never EVER answer it, got it!”

“Mhm.”

“I’m serious, darling. I’ll gouge their eyes out right in front of you.”

“Yes sir.”

The rest of your life was going to be very interesting. Suck it, Ms. Braxton. I guess you’re the one dying alone. Because you have a yandere boyfriend! And she has gonorrhea. Bitch.

---

a/n: this is so shit. i'm so sorry that i've been MIA for a while. work has been pretty crazy and i haven't really felt much motivated to write. however, i'm trying to get back into it now. with this goofy shit. kind of a joke piece, but i needed to write something silly and not serious at all to relax. (also i've been writing since 4 a.m., so...) anyways, i'm going to try and update regulary or at least post something.

Here's my YouTube. I make anime playlists.

[without-ado]

I Want This! l teabag

[tcw-tbb-nerd]

Incorrect clone quotes

Fox: self preservation is for those who want to save themselves

Everyone:

Fox: in others words self preservation isn’t really my thing

[seggggga]

The second chapter will be delayed by about three weeks. I have had the worst stress I've had in my life recently to the point that I've had constant headaches for four days, it hurts to move my eyes and my skin is peeling. I have massive tests coming up, an elderly relative that I'm close got COVID. When I mean massive tests I mean like GCSES and SATS important and I've stayed back an hour in school two times a week, staying in during lunch to study and done extra tests, studied at home and worked relentlessly. I've been taking anxiety drops but it doesn't help with stress. Also my teachers are going on strike. I've also had some things going on with my sister in law and brother!

This means I won't be posting for a while.

Seggggga, signing off, cya!

[mangozic]

my dead goth son and his friendly neighborhood personified concept of insanity

[vivitalks]

(in a job interview) i guess if i had to say my one strength it would be skipping the ad break on a podcast episode on the first try. yeah there's no button i just guess the number of minutes and i'm always right. oh you meant like work strengths? none

[fnorazril]

Not dead, just sleeping.

[wanderer-clarisse]

early morning sunlight at Bag End

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[eyes-of-nine]

hey mq your rival is kinda cute tbh😌👉👈

[cult-of-husbandos]

toji fushiguro [☯︎] - Himo Romance

synopsis: toji fushiguro takes you on a romantic date to the most fanciest place on earth.

genre: hella crack, angst(?), fluff(?)

word count: 4.9k

warnings: cursing, if you care

The scent of incense lingered in the air, mingling with the warmth of the setting sun as you waited in your small Tokyo apartment. It was a modest space, cluttered with polaroid pics and random shit from either thrift stores or shady internet dealers. Why spend $90 on an air fryer when NutCrusher2378 will sell you one for the low, low price of one feet pic?

Inhale. Exhale.

You once read an article that stated that meditation can decrease stress, pressure, and homicidal tendencies within a person. You glanced at the clock for what felt like the hundredth time, your patience waning as the minutes ticked by. Clearly, fifteen Blood Dragon Mango Orange and sitting in silence for 30 minutes wasn’t doing much for the overbearing burden that is your life. Now, why would a well-balanced person with their own apartment, car, and a source of income need to destress. Despite what your parents tell you every text, call, and holiday you were actually doing very good for yourself. So, why do you have the urge to burn down your apartment building and start smashing every building within a 25 mile radius?

One man.

One incredulous hot as fuck piece of shit man.

Toji Fushiguro, the enigmatic man who had become an unpredictable fixture in your life. You are currently dating a sorcerer that can’t even afford getting a Twix from a vending machine. To be honest, you wouldn’t even really call what you two have a ‘relationship’. Your so-called relationship was nothing more than a precarious balance of convenience, a twisted dance of give and take where you supplied the resources and he… well, he took. The more appropriate name for this would be a ‘situationship’. You cringe any time you or your friends bring up your relationship with him. Like a gross, oozing pimple on prom night, you just want to cover it up and pretend it doesn’t exist. Except the gross, oozing pimple is a 6’1, 190 lbs., lazy, overconfident, sex machine that kills and bums money from everyone just to bet it on a horse named ‘Lucky McCock’ because “with a name like that, he fucks the competition”.

The sound of keys jingling outside your door broke the concentrated silence, and you inadvertently flinched and felt your heart sink as Toji’s unmistakable footsteps echoed through the hallway. Without so much as a warning, he barged into your apartment, his devil-may-care grin lighting up his face. Why in the name of Kwon Ji-yong did you ever think giving him a key would be a good idea?!

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he greeted casually, tossing his dirty musty jacket that you bought for him onto the couch. “Miss me?”

You rolled your eyes, the familiar blend of annoyance and resignation settling over you like a thick, suffocating fog. “You were only gone for three weeks this time. Hardly long enough to miss you.”

Toji shrugged nonchalantly, his gaze wandering around the room before landing on the half-empty bag of potato chips on your coffee table. “Hungry,” he declared, making a beeline for the kitchen without waiting for your response.

You sighed inwardly, resigning yourself to yet another evening of Toji’s impromptu visits. As he raided your fridge with the same energy as an ungrateful college student that drops off his laundry and eats your food, you couldn’t help but wonder why you continued to tolerate his antics. Perhaps it’s his gorgeous face that even when nothing but bullshit and snarky remarks come out of it makes you want to sit on it. Or it’s his amazing daddy body that can go round after round with you, but can’t be bothered to move two feet to pick up the remote. Or maybe you have an undiscovered broke as fuck boyfriend kink that makes you dummy stupid.

“Why does it smell like a bunch of temple bastards took a shit in your living room?”

Or maybe, just maybe, you died long ago and this is your eternal hell.

*****

The weeks passed in a blur of half-hearted promises and fleeting moments of intimacy. Toji’s presence in your life remained as unpredictable as ever, his disappearances becoming a twisted routine that you had grown all too accustomed to.

‘Are we even dating?’

A thought suddenly popped into your head. You felt as if your stomach had hit the brakes hard after going over 90 on the interstate. What was really the point of this relationship? Well, it’s not like you both don’t get anything out of it. You both get amazing, mind-blowing sex and he gets a place to crash, food to eat, and money to spend on whatever dumb shit he likes.

…

You know, after laying it down like that, there’s obviously a clear winner that benefits from this in the long run.

However, just when you thought you had reached your breaking point, Toji dropped a bombshell that caught you completely off guard.

“I’m taking you out,” he announced one evening, his expression unusually earnest as he met your gaze. “A fancy date, with all that romantic shit you always bitch about.”

You quirked your eyebrow skeptically, crossing your arms over your chest. “The words ‘fancy’ and ‘romantic’ don’t fit your vocabulary. Your idea of fancy is wearing a button up shirt and your idea of romance is wearing a condom and buying flavored lube.” You sighed as he laughed obnoxiously. “What fancy place do you even know? Aren’t you, like, banned from almost every restaurant, café, dive bar, and soup kitchen within 50 miles of here?”

Toji grinned mischievously, a spark of excitement hinting in his eyes. “It’s a surprise,” he teased, his lips curling into a smirk. “But trust me, you’re gonna love it.”

You honestly doubt that. You know better than to get your hopes high when it comes to Toji’s promises. He either doesn’t deliver or doesn’t show up. Either way, you end up looking like a dumb bitch at the end of the day in your friend’s group chat. Yet, for some unknown reason, you found yourself getting excited.

*****

“Why do I have to be blindfolded for this?” you groaned as Toji guided you throughout the crowded sidewalk. The city buzzed with life around you, its neon lights casting an otherworldly glow as you navigate your way through the labyrinth of alleyways and side streets. You felt the slight breeze of people walking past you and felt the questioning gazes burn into you.

“Wouldn’t be a surprise if you could see where we were going, would it?” he whispered into your ear. “We’re almost there anyway…”

You felt anxiety and interest build in the pit of your stomach, your curiosity piqued as you drew closer to your destination. What sort of extravagant affair had Toji planned for you that you need a blindfold to go there? An underground Michelin-starred restaurant? A moonlit stroll along the riverbanks? An eyes-wide shut party?

As Toji finally came to a stop, you felt your stomach drop and heart race as he reached up to remove the blindfold from your eyes, his lips curling into a triumphant grin.

“Voila!” he exclaimed, gesturing grandly at the dimly lit building in front of you.

Your eyes widened in disbelief as you took in the scene before you. You both stood outside a familiar chain restaurant, its red gaudy mascot sign illuminated in garishly bright white letters against the night sky.

Red Lobster.

You blinked in confusion, struggling to process the sheer absurdity of what was happening.

“Red… Lobster?” you echoed incredulously, your voice laced with disbelief.

Toji shrugged nonchalantly, his grin widening into a boyish smirk. “Told ya it was fancy as shit.”

…

“WHAAAAAAAAATTT?!!!”

*****

Words could not describe the unbridled rage you were feeling right now. You could power a small village for 5 years with the amount of fury emanating from you. You sat slumped in the booth with a furious scowl stuck on your face as you stared fiercely at the lying moron currently stuffing his face with Cheddar Bay Biscuits. After gulping down three of the biscuits, he finally looks up at you.

“‘s matter with you?”

“You know damn well what’s the matter with me, Toji.” you seethed.

A few seconds of silence passed as he gulped down the rest of the biscuits. His face remained stoic as he looked you in the eyes.

“You gotta take a shit or somethin’?”

You slammed your fists against the table, sitting up straight and leaning over the table, the jarring sound of the utensils and cups on the table shook people from their conversations and turned their attention towards your table. You could care less what those slack jawed NPCs thought of you. Your attention was focused solely on your smug ass boyfriend.

“Toji,” you breathed harshly, “what the fuck am I wearing right now?”

“Huuh?”

“What the fuck do I have on right now? What kind of clothes do I have on?” You were shaking at this point.

Toji grinned at you smugly. “Whatever it is, it’s hot as fuck.”

“Of course it’s hot as fuck, Toji. And you wanna know why I’m wearing this hot as fuck outfit in this building of impending salmonella poisoning? Because you told me that we were going to a fancy and romantic place. Where people, oh I don’t know, don’t need to take a Pepto Bismol before and after dinner, where waiters speak in a posh accent but you know deep down that they only make 12 dollars an hour, where the food is served relatively fresh and not sitting in a deep-freeze for half year and warmed in a fucking microwave! But no! Here I am, looking like a 100 out of 10 sitting in a stained red booth, at a sticky table, sitting across from a man who looks like I just dragged a homeless man off the street just so I don’t look like a desperate loser coming into a fucking Red Lobster by myself!”

You ended your rant, panting and dropped back into your booth and cradled your head in your arms on the table. You knew this would happen. You just knew it! Leave it to a man with no concept of child support or how a garbage disposal works to take you anywhere relatively nice. The soft chattering and murmurs of the other patrons around you continued on, but you could feel eyes on you specifically. You groaned, not even bothering to raise your head.

“Jesus Christ… you couldn’t even pick a fucking Papadeux? Fucking Red Lobster…”

“Hey, don’t knock it till you try it,” he quipped, his mouth full of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

“I have tried it, Toji. Everyone and their great-grandmother comes to fucking Red Lobster at least once for a birthday-anniversary-graduation-bullshit.”

“Well, it’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Toji, your “thought” doesn’t count for shit.”

You didn’t see it, but Toji flinched at your words. A pang of dejection flashed across his face, but just as you rose your head he turned his face back to stoic.

“Where’s the damn waiter?” he muttered, looking around. “AYO! Can we get some damn service?!” Toji loudly called, snapping his fingers.

Your eyes widened and you quickly grabbed his arm. “Oh my fucking… Toji!”

Before he could say anything, a nervous looking waiter walked up to your booth.

“Hello guys, my name is Tommy and I will be your waiter today. Can I get you guys started with anything?”

“Uh, yeah, lemme get a mufuckin’ uuuuhhhhhhhhh…” This went on for a full two minutes. “Lemme get the unlimited oysters.”

You quirked your eyebrow at Toji with a perplexed look as the waiter jotted down his order. “Really? The oysters?”

He lazily nodded.

“Are you sure you wanna lock that in, baby?”

He nodded again, looking disgruntled that you would question his choice of food.

“Like, 100%? Are you really, really sure that’s what you wanna get?”

Toji tilted his head at you. “You questioning me?”

You raised your eyebrows passively and opened your menu. “Alright…” you remark, “It’s your funeral…” You muttered the last part under your breath.

The waiter sensing the tension amongst you two, hurried along the order conversation. “And what would you like to drink?”

“All your drinks are boring, so nothing.” he answered in dismissal, tossing the menu at Tommy who barely managed to catch it.

“And what would you like to order?” He directed his attention towards you.

“I’ll have the grilled half lobster with lemon butter, a tomahawk steak, and a bottle of Gin, please.” you answered, handing the menu to him.

“A-A bottle…?” Tommy the waiter stuttered. “We can mix it into a drink if you preferred–”

“I said what I said.” You looked at the basket on the table. “And can we get some more cheddar biscuits please?”

Tommy nodded with a bow. “Of course. I’ll be back with your drinks and some more biscuits for the table.” And with that, he scurried off.

Toji threw you a smug grin and whistled cheekily. “Wooow, babe. I didn’t know I was dining with royalty.” he chastised and you groaned. “Don’t expect me to pay for your share.”

“Pssh. Please Toji. With what money? It’s so obvious that I’m paying for this meal.”

“Wait, really?”

“Duh, Toji! Of course I’m paying for it! It’s practically routine at this point.” You groan out, annoyed and rolling your eyes. “It’s the main thing you use me for anyway…”

The air is immediately coated in awkward tension between the two of you. It’s not like you said anything wrong. This is Toji Fushiguro you’re talking about. The man only wants three things out of life: sex, money, and to sail through life never paying for anything. You fiddled with your fingernails to fill the dead air when you heard Toji smack his lips at you.

“Can’t you go one fucking second without bitchin’ at me for something so worthless?” he muttered. “What the hell’s wrong Red Lobster? Red Lobster is the epitome of sophistication. The ambiance, the seafood… it's all about setting the mood, babe.”

“Sophistication?” You scoff and look your boyfriend dead in his eyes. “Toji… you eat at fucking Burger King.”

“What the fuck’s wrong with Burger King?!”

“Oh! Hmm! Let’s see! Lemme think! Ummm! Ummm! How about, fucking everything Toji!”

“Do NOT disrespect the King!” Toji's smile faltered slightly, a hint of defensiveness creeping into his tone.

“The King is dead, Toji! Deeeaaad! He OD’d 25 years ago just like everyone else who eats at Burger King!” you shout, no longer caring about raising your voice. “People only eat Burger King because they have to! Never because they want to! Because if that were the case, then everyone would go to McDonald’s! Their food is leagues better!”

“Their Whoppers are a culinary masterpiece.” he seethed at you.

You snort. “Oh yes! You’re so right, Toji. Mm-mm! Yummy! Because nothing turns my appetite on more than a soggy burger and a 72% chance of food poisoning! Or you could just spend the extra dollar and get a Big Mac like the rest of society! And chicken nuggets with actual chicken!”

It was now Toji’s turn to scoff. “You just don’t understand the peak gourmet culinary complexities that is Burger King.”

“I would rather lick the inside of a Taco Bell bathroom toilet than eat a single chicken fry from Burger King. At least with the Taco Bell toilet there’d be remnants of edible food! It’s bottom tier, Toji. Where else in the world do you get “buffalo nuggets” for $3?! And why would you pay for that?! 10 piece chicken nuggets for $2?! What’re you, suicidal?!”

“It’s cheap and delicious!”

“It’s rat meat and smells like something threw up in a deep fryer and you fucking know it! It’s right there next to Arby’s.”

“Oh! So, now you’re dissing Arby’s?!”

“You bet your beautiful chiseled ass I’m dissing fucking Arby’s!”

“And what’s fucking wrong with Arby’s, huh?!”

“It’s rat food, Toji! It’s all rat food!”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Have you ever been inside an Arby’s, Toji? Hmm? The people that eat there are either tasteless morons that think Jack in the Box is ‘too expensive’ or using the spot waiting for their Fentanyl dealer. It’s just like Burger King. You only go there because you have to, not because you want to.”

Toji leaned in, eyes dark. “You wouldn’t know good food if it came up to your doorstep with roses, wiped its feet off at the door, and fucked your throat.”

“Oh, is that right?!”

“Um! Excuse me…” a meek voice spoke up. You both whipped your heads to see your waiter trembling with a bottle of Gin and basket of cheddar biscuits in his hands. You both leaned back in your seats as he hurriedly placed drink and food on the table. “Your food will be here shortly…” Before he could dash off, you grabbed him by the sleeve.

“Hold on there, Tommy. Settle something for us, would’ja?”

“Oh, please don’t incorporate me in whatever this is–”

“Arby’s, Burger King, or McDonald’s? Which one would you eat?”

Tommy stood in silence for a few seconds before whispering a tiny scared “what?”

“The fuck you asking him for?!”

“Because unlike you, he has a job and doesn’t live off of gambling tickets and random women to buy his meals! Now Tommy, choose!”

“U-U-Ummm… well, considering I’ve gotten food poisoning from all three restaurants, I’d still choose McDonald’s any day…”

“What?!”

You smirk at Toji victoriously. “Thank you, Tommy. You just earned yourself a 80% tip.”

And with that, Tommy scurried off again.

“God! You can never just be fucking grateful for anything, huh?! You just have to whine and nag and complain about everything in that pissy little condensating tone of yours!”

“Tell me, Toji. What should I be grateful for? Hm? Sh-Should I be grateful that you put in the bare minimum for a date or that you even remember my name at all?”

“…”

“Should I be grateful that you even came back to me at all and not dead somewhere, shanked and killed in the street, like an overlooked hooker that the cops don’t give a shit about?”

Toji remained silent.

“You know what, Toji. You’re right. I should be grateful. I’ll be grateful knowing that when this dinner ends I can go back home and not have to deal with you for another 4 months. Maybe around that time you’ll find someone else to be a wallet for you.”

You reached into your bag and pulled out your phone, ending the conversation dead in the water. Again, you missed the pain in Toji’s eyes as he furrowed his eyebrows and slowly continued chewing. Not too long after, Tommy came back with your food. Staring down at the shiny, plastic-looking food before you, you grimace. The overpowering smell of the oysters churned your stomach and waned your appetite with each passing second. Pushing past your mixture of disgust and resignation, you begin to eat your food.

This dinner is the definition of ‘absolutely donkey dicks’. You couldn’t even consider the food you were eating as actual “food”. Plastic toy food from a child’s playset looks and smells more appetizing. The only thing that you can swallow without gagging is the bottle of Gin which is slowly asking for a refill. You sighed as you looked up from your plate and saw Toji slurping down oyster after oyster. You pushed the food around your plate with little enthusiasm.

Toji attempted to start a conversation multiple times, but his efforts fell flat in the suffocating silence that hung between you two.

Toji cleared his throat in an attempt to once again start a conversation causing you to look at him downcast. “So, uh, how’s the food?” he asked tentatively, his voice tinged with unfamiliar uncertainty.

You glanced up at him with a weary sigh, your disappointment written plainly across your face. “The lobster tastes like those bouncy balls you get from quarter machines drenched in garlic and butter and the steak is both ice cold and boiling lava hot.” You look back at your food. “How’s your oysters? Good?”

“Delectable. Like slurping down The God of Lust and War’s plump pearls.”

“Ugh…”

The silence stretched on between you two, the weight of your unspoken frustrations hanging heavy in the air. Toji let out a heavy sigh bringing your attention back to him.

“Look, uh… Y/N…” Toji started fidgeting. “I know this date is total shit. Worse than shit probably. Nobody likes fucking Red Lobster. Being in this place makes me want to set fire to the building trapping all these wrinkly white-haired fucks and servant dicks to burn. Agonizingly. But I would save you! And the Cheddar Bay Biscuits fuuuck that shit is amazing!”

You raised your eyebrow, but let him continue.

“You were right. I am… banned from most places. Fuck, I mean did you know that I was banned from Chili’s AND Applebee’s? Like, why the fuck would I even be in those shitholes?”

“That… probably has something to do with you setting fire to their parking lot and spray painting ‘FUCK YOUR TAXES’ on their windows respectively at multiple locations.”

“Oh yeeahh… damn. That was a great Halloween.”

“Yeah… it was interesting… watching you eat an entire 5-pound chocolate peep marshmallow and utterly lose your mind in what I can only describe as a hellish sugar rush.”

“Whatever. The point is… I… I really tried, y’know?” he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “I said a lot of shit and promised a whole fucking thing, but in reality… this is all I can do… Like, legally or whatever…”

You stared at Toji in somewhat disbelief. You were witnessing something striking and shocking. Were you actually seeing Toji being… remorseful? The Toji Fushiguro?

“So… not to be all… stupid and pathetic… but… y’know… I’m…”

“You’re?”

“I’m… thmrrry…”

“You’re what?” You leaned in.

“Mm mpfrrf!”

“Toji, I can’t understand you. Get your hand away from your mouth.”

“I’m sorry!” he shouted. “There. I said it.”

Your eyes widen in surprise. You bit the inside of your cheek just to make sure you weren’t dreaming. “Woah, Toji…” you mutter, stunned. “I didn’t think those words were capable of forming. I always thought that if you even tried saying it you’d vomit up blood and your intestines would explode.”

“Fucking… whatever, okay! Don’t make a big deal outta it. I only said it ‘cuz I wanted to…!” He was blushing and fidgeting more. “But that’s not all.”

Toji reached into his sweatpants pocket and pulled out a small velvet black box, his expression awkward and face slightly red as he pushed it across the table to you.

"I,… uh…, got you something," he grumbled, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment and avoiding meeting your eyes. “Just— don’t make a big deal over it…”

You raised an eyebrow in confusion. Your skepticism warring at the unfamiliar genuine tone shift as you opened the box. You gasped softly. Inside the box, a beautiful arctic blue shone brighter than all the dim lights in the restaurant. You looked at Toji then back at the necklace. You were honestly speechless and your heart immediately softened into soft serve ice cream.

“Happy anniversary…” he muttered just loud enough for you to hear.

“Toji, this is…” you began, at a loss for words as you struggled to adjust to the sweet gesture that was foreign to Toji’s entire personality. “This is the sweetest and most beautiful thing you’ve ever done. Thank you, Toji.”

Toji softly frowned bashfully, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. “Good,” he stated firmly. “But, uh… just don’t wear it outside. It’s stolen.”

“Stolen?” you echoed.

“Yeah. An old buddy owed me a favor after getting rid of a few… pests for him. He said I could take anything as compensation so I took The Tears of Benzaiten. I was gonna pawn it, but then I thought of you and… shit y’know…” he trailed off, the blush growing on his face. “Then a few days later, he put a bounty on it and got all fucking weird about it. So, just… don’t wear it anywhere, got it? I like your face and I wouldn’t want a bunch of scars and bruises ruining it.”

“Toji. Are you seriously telling me that I’m holding a Japanese national treasure with a big enough bounty that I could be killed just for holding it and you are just giving it to me in a Red Lobster for our anniversary?”

Toji shrugged nonchalantly. “Y/N, you’re much more beautiful than some stupid necklace made from the tears of Goddess worth 90 billion Yen. And you know that if anyone came within 20 feet of you, I’d rip out their esophagus and crumple their pathetic human bodies into nothing.”

You sat in stunned silence trying to process all the information that was just thrown on you. You looked down at the necklace. Suddenly, you started to giggle. Then, your giggles turned to laughter. You put your head down as your laughter grew louder and louder. After a few moments and murmurs from other patrons later, you raised your head and leaned your cheek against your hand.

“Toji Fushiguro, you’re so…” You tried to find the words to describe the absurdity happening right now. “Impossible.” you remarked fondly, a smile tugging at your lips. “But I love you for it.”

Toji smirked proudly.

“But, I hate to break it to you baby… today’s not our anniversary.”

Toji's smirk immediately diminished. “What?! Yeah, it is!”

You shook your head, still smiling. “Afraid not, baby. You see… we don’t have an anniversary.”

“Yeah we do! We had our first date and everything!”

“We met at the track, went to a bar, and then had sex. Then, you disappeared for a week then you came back and we had make up sex. Other than that, you’ve been gone for about 75% of this relationship. This is technically the only date we’ve been on that didn’t end with me getting drunk and us having loud sex in the bathroom.”

“So… it’s not our anniversary?”

You shook your head again.

“FUCK!” Toji shouted, slamming his hand on the table with a loud crash and groaning into the booth.

You slightly giggled and put the necklace in your bag. You gently grabbed Toji’s hand and he flinched slightly at your sudden touch.

“If this were our anniversary, it would be the best anniversary ever.” You kissed his hand and stood up, looking down at his flushed face. “Come on.” you gestured, throwing some money with a big tip as promised on the table. “Let’s go home.”

Toji smiled and took your hand as you both left the restaurant, much to the other patrons' relief. As you both made your way back to the apartment, you had a small flicker of hope. For the future. For the relationship. For Toji.

It started out as a really shitty date, but turns out, deep down, Toji can be romantic. In his own way, of course.

When you both entered the apartment, Toji grabbed your hips and kissed you deeply. You melted into arms and moaned into the kiss. He pulled away with a smirk.

“You taste like garlic butter Gin.”

“And you taste like oysters.”

You stepped away from him and walked towards the living room.

“And where the hell are you going?” Toji asked, following close behind.

“Well, we’ve had makeup sex, angry sex, drunk sex, bathroom sex, and Scandinavian Yeti sex. But I don’t think we’ve had “anniversary” sex yet.”

Toji grinned smugly as he rushed you and threw you over his shoulder. “Fuck yeah! I’m not gonna let ya sleep tonight!” Toji roared, giving your ass a smack. You let out a gasp and laugh.

You hated this man sometimes, but you couldn’t deny the amount of love you had for him too.

This truly was the best anniversary ever.

~Omake~

“Urrreeegh…! Urg… fuck…”

“I told you not to eat those oysters, baby.” you soothed, rubbing Toji back gently.

Halfway through sexy time, Toji jumped off of you and started to feel the horrible after effects of Red Lobster oysters. You cringed as Toji continued to retch, groan, and spit all of his dinner in the toilet bowl.

“I’ll kill those bastards…! I’ll slit their throats and dance on their backs! I’ll get those– ugh! Oh god… bleerghh!”

You sigh and smile softly at his very real threats. You stepped out of the bathroom and put on some clothes.

“Where you goin’! We’re not… urgh… done yet!”

“Well, we’re gonna be here for a while, baby. I don’t know much about sorcerers, but I’m pretty sure I can recognize the symptoms of food poisoning.”

Toji groaned. “Fucking Red Lobster… making me miss out on anniversary sex…”

“I’ll be back in a few. You’re gonna need some water, Pepto Bismol, soda, crackers, and light snacks to keep down.”

“Nooo… don’t go…” he wearily waved at you to come back.

You leaned against the door frame of the bathroom, smiling gently at the sick man. “Do you want anything? I can get you some scratch off tickets. Dragon Stars Lotto. Those are your favorite, right?”

Toji smiled weakly. “You’re an angel, baby.”

You kissed the back of Toji's neck and smiled as he shuddered against your lips.

“When you get back, I’m gonna fuck the memories of anyone else outta you.”

You laughed, grabbed your bag, and left the apartment. Smiling and hopeful for what’s to come next.

—

a/n: yo. sorry i've been gone for so long. been trying to find a new job and then suddenly decided to learn blender animation for some reason. (if anyone can give me tips it would be much appreciated) so i started working on this in February for like a valentine's thing then looked up and saw that is April so... happy april fool's! or whatever... enjoy a not so serious toji fic. more to come soon.

[princehoneytea]

i love you WEIRD SCIENCE MIKU!!!!!

[violent138]

Stephanie: "Did you get it?"

Tim, scoffing: "Of course I did. *unwraps the vase from bubble wrap* It's the exact same, one of the three original vases made."

Stephanie: "Wait. The old one had a nick, right there on the shoulder. *uses a Batarang to recreate it* There."

Tim, setting it down carefully and smiling: "Perfect. I think we just got away with it."

Jason, reading on the couch: "He'll know."

Stephanie: "How? You'd have to--"

Alfred: "Is there anything you guys want for dinner?"

Tim and Stephanie, immediately: "No."

Alfred, frowning slightly: "Very well." He walked over, both Tim and Stephanie trying to play it cool as the butler adjusted the vase on the table.

Jason looked up from his book.

Alfred: "I'll remind you again, Master Timothy that skateboards are not permitted inside the house."

Jason cackled at the expression that Tim and Stephanie made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bruce: "How did you know? Technically speaking, it's the same vase."

Alfred: "I have a contact at the auction house where you bought the second one years ago."

Bruce, clearing his throat: "Yeah, Jason accidentally kicked a ball into it."

Alfred, raising an eyebrow: "He threw a Batarang at it because you wanted to make him more comfortable."

Bruce:

Alfred: "I do wish you'd all stop adding that nick back."

[totallynotcensorship]

tags update: rafah is 8th on trending

edit: it is now at 7th

FOR CONTEXT:

israel has launched an invasion and heavy bombing of rafah(a.k.a the "safe zone" 1.7 million Palestinians were forced into) after the UN approved a ceasefire resolution for the rest of ramadan... all 2 weeks of it. results were 14 votes for YESes. 0 NOs. and 1 didn't vote(take a guess who it was) the resolution called for an unconditional release of all hostages on both sides. so yes, mr "i am totally just doing this to get my hostages back whom i totally care about and totally didn't kill" Israel is launching harder attacks even after being promised all hostages release. just in case anyone was still questioning if Israel was using hostages as just an excuse for colonialism

russia tried to turn it into a permanent ceasefire but the US vetoed it. i guess vetoing a ceasefire looks less bad when russia is the one proposing it

DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT PALESTINE

[n0ahsferatu]

ℑ 𝔪𝔢𝔱 𝔞 𝔩𝔞𝔡𝔶 𝔦𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔪𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔰,

𝔉𝔲𝔩𝔩 𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔣𝔲𝔩—𝔞 𝔣𝔞𝔢𝔯𝔶’𝔰 𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔡,

ℌ𝔢𝔯 𝔥𝔞𝔦𝔯 𝔴𝔞𝔰 𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤, 𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔬𝔬𝔱 𝔴𝔞𝔰 𝔩𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱,

𝔄𝔫𝔡 𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔢𝔶𝔢𝔰 𝔴𝔢𝔯𝔢 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔡

- John Keats, La Belle Dame Sans Merci (1819)

(based on the eponymous painting by Frank Dicksee (1901))

(prints available on my inprnt ! :))

[pencilscratchins]

whats more powerful, the metaphysical force of all space time or two besties with one braincell [ID in alt]