#people with these disorders have them FROM TRAUMA!!!! THEY ARE THEMSELVES VICTIMS OF TRAUMA

[razzberrydazz]

Me, realizing one of the many reasons I like Shadowheart and Astarion so much is because they read as having BPD to me, because I am a person with BPD and I project myself the hardest on characters I see myself in. It's MY comfort characters and I'll project on them however much I want 🤡😈

So I broke down the base criteria of BPD symptoms (you only need to tick 5 of the 9 criteria to be able to be diagnosed with BPD) and how both Shadowheart and Astarion can be interpreted as having and expressing the various behavioral criteria.

The main criteria: Fear of Abandonment, Self-Harm and/or Suicidal Thoughts, Chronic feelings of Emptiness and Dissociation, Unstable Self-image and sense of identity, history of unstable relationships, impulsive and self-sabotaging behavior, mood swings, extreme anger, Paranoia and disconnect from reality. It's not explicitly a criteria, but it's incredibly common if not a prerequisite that people with BPD have prolonged past trauma that caused them to have these maladaptive behaviors.

Both Astarion and Shadowheart have the traumatized unstable past to explain their behaviors (Shadowheart DEFINITELY has SEVERE childhood trauma since she got kidnapped and forced into a horribly abusive and manipulative cult, while Astarion has the trauma from Cazador's centuries of abuse and manipulation)

Both of them have SEVERE trust issues (Shadowheart from being in a cult as well as her attempts to pit Tav against Lae'Zel because she's distrustful of her {she has good reason to be when she's carrying a Gith artifact, as well as the Githyanki's long history of brutality and oppressive regimes}, Astarion from being so severely abused by Cazador despite his attempts to please the vampire lord, both of them can latch onto Tav and trust Tav entirely too Much once they're shown a shred of decency)

Both have Extreme fear of abandonment that they deal with in different ways (Shadowheart avoids abandonment by generally pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length so she can't grow attached especially if she stays Sharran, then latches onto the player far more than she should if no longer Sharran because Tav is her last tether of trust and warmth; Astarion avoids abandonment by trying to seduce you and get in your good graces as quickly as possible)

Both have unstable self-image and identity (Astarion doesn't even remember his own face before turning into a vampire, Shadowheart has to double down and recite the Sharran dogma to herself near constantly because she is unsure of her faith and by act 2/3 has QUITE an existential crisis on her relationship with Shar and Selune and cuts her bangs and even dyes her hair if no longer Sharran)

Both have a history of unstable relationships (Shadowheart can't even remember most of her possible past relationships due to the memory wipes, the main relationship she does remember is that of her with her cruel capricious goddess Shar, and if you go Selune route in Shadowheart's personal quest she will latch onto Tav and ask them to be with her forever with the clear implication that she's afraid Tav will leave her; Astarion hadn't been able to maintain a single good relationship in his entire time under Cazador because he had to lure his lovers to his master)

Both have impulsive and self-sabotaging behaviors ESPECIALLY Astarion imo (Astarion's perceived initial hypersexuality and inability to say no to sexual intimacy for most of the game, his want to do the ritual which overall has a far worse outcome for himself and others, his attempt to feed from Tav without their consent and possibly kill them in the process, his approval and encouragement of evil actions that reinforce that Tav is not trustworthy; Shadowheart's attempt to kill Lae'Zel by holding a dagger to her throat while she slept was definitely an impulsive act, and if she throws away the spear of night in act 2 that was Definitely done by impulse and not of active thought, and her cutting and dying her hair was most definitely done on impulse imo)

Both appear to have chronic feelings of emptiness and dissociation (Astarion largely because of the chronic vampiric gnawing hunger as well as him appearing to dissociate during some sex scenes, Shadowheart feeling emptiness largely due to the loss of her memory and mind as well as her dissociating via prayer because Sharrans try to empty themselves of all emotion to feel the emptiness and loss that Shar upholds)

Both of them have appear to have varying anger issues (not as much as other characters at times, as both Karlach and Lae'Zel DEFINITELY have worse anger issues at first glance if you ask me) and different ways they deal with it (Astarion is quite murder happy about it, such as when he can kill the Gur bounty hunter without caring for Tav's input, and Shadowheart's anger and resentment towards Lae'Zel and Selunites causes her to verbally lash out at any mention of Selune while at one point physically threatening Lae'Zel with her dagger and possibly killing her if Tav doesn't intervene or eggs her on, though I think most of Shadowheart's anger is turned inward and turned into her mentally anguishing that she's not a good enough devotee to her goddess)

Both have Extreme paranoia and suspicion of others (Shadowheart is distrustful of others by default and is especially paranoid about Lae'Zel due to her being Gith, Astarion is paranoid of being taken back to Cazador and holds Tav at knifepoint at first accusing them of being the one that kidnapped him before Tav assuages his fears)

Of the BPD criteria, I'd say outright Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation shows up in both Shart and Astarion the Least (Gale has EVERYONE beat in the suicidality department); they both most definitely want to live, though they both still do Self-Harm usually through their self-sabotaging actions. I wouldn't count Shadowheart's stigmata hand wound as Self-Harm since it was Shar that inflicted that on her and not Shadowheart inflicting it on herself. If anything, it could be argued that Shadowheart purposely doing things she knows Shar would dislike in order to activate the wound is some form of self harm possibly? Shar is her abuser so I still am firm that her wound is not Shadowheart harming herself even if she knowingly does things to activate it because it is the fault of her abuser for hurting her.

As for extreme mood swings, often times those can be pretty well concealed and be mostly internal instead of external if someone is good enough at masking their emotions. Of the party members, Shadowheart and Astarion and Gale mask their emotions the most. Karlach has pretty outward mood swings, she's very expressive, while both Shadowheart and Astarion (and Gale) are typically pretty withdrawn and wear a mask of false smiles. Shadowheart definitely seems to be chronically depressed or otherwise ruminating and not having a good time mentally. If she has mood swings they are likely turned inwards and not outwards. She does have outbursts of anger and panic indicative of rapid mood swings at times, however. Astarion's dramatic catty antics could be read as mood swings judging how he reacts to Tav's various actions. Both he and Shart are very catty.

Overall, both Shadowheart and Astarion can be read as having enough matching behaviors to the BPD criteria for me to confidently say they're coded to have BPD, even if it's not explicitly stated as such.

Sidenote, sometimes people with BPD can experience minor hallucinations especially auditory hallucinations, and Shadowheart most Definitely had auditory hallucinations of Shar judging and shaming her if you ask me. It could have actually been Shar in her head yes, but it could also just as easily have been Shadowheart's own mind tormenting her.

BPD can also possibly predispose people towards Psychosis, black and white thinking, and delusions, though it's not a definite. Astarion's obsession with completing the ritual insisting it will protect him for good could be seen as a possible delusion of grandeur. Shadowheart definitely has black-and-white dogmatic thinking while under Shar's thumb. They need so much healing.

All of this is my interpretation to support my headcanons of course, these also enable my shameless projecting on these two catty characters. I'm a borderline bitch and if I can't get a stable personality myself, store bought is fine!

A lot of stuff is speculative and that's fine with me.

[furiousgoldfish]

When people hear stories about abuse, they often get fascinated and interested in the abuser, and the 'mystery' behind their behaviour. They'll want to analyze what happened to this person to make them act in such twisted and sadistic ways, and they want to find the past event or past abuse that would 'explain it all'. Abusers will also, very happily recount the past abuse whenever it's time to explain away their behaviour, so nobody could hold them accountable, because after all, they had had it rough! Of course they're now abusive, it's only natural.

Fascination with explaining away abuser's behaviour often leaves victim's situation forgotten and ignored. Victims are supposed to just 'get over it', not be so sensitive, and be careful to not turn into abusers themselves, because after all, being abused means you become an abuser, according to the abuser. Except it doesn't, and victims often don't end up abusing anyone else, especially not in the horrific ways they themselves have been abused. So we're having two opposing stories: one is told by the abuser, and it's easy, simple, explains everything away, and it says, abuse causes future abusers, I am the proof, I was abused and now I am like this. Victim's story goes: I was abused, and now I struggle to function, I have cptsd, I have flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorder. I struggle with suicidal feelings and wishing I didn't exist. I feel like I'm not important at all in this world and like I have no community, no family, no home. Failure of everyone to help me while I was being abused caused me to feel like an outcast from society, someone who isn't a part of it, who doesn't matter. I would never do this to another person, I feel like a part of me was torn away into pieces and I struggle to put myself back together.

Now that story is complex, it implicates the society in failing to stop the abuse and making the victim's life worse, it showcases the actual consequences of abuse, which are not 'becoming evil', but feeling ultimately traumatized and damaged, struggling to find joy and happiness in life in the aftermath. Society doesn't want to hear that; it makes abuse into a problem that should collectively be dealt with, rather than pushing it all onto individuals who find themselves trapped in it and suffering. It's much easier to pretend that abuse just makes someone abusive, and for people who are abusive, we need to feel sorry for, because they were 'made to be like this', and for those abused, we just need to shame them and control them so they don't become abusive themselves.

There are abusers who have lived privileged lives, there are abusers who have been spoiled and rewarded for their acts of abuse. Most abusers don't show the symptoms of trauma nearly as bad as the victims of abuse do, they're most often just having the symptoms of 'I lash out my anger on those who cannot defend themselves' and 'everyone needs to feel sorry for me because I am having the roughest time on the planet'. Weird how the victims almost never develop these two symptoms! Victims will go and compare their situation to everyone who has it worse, and will struggle to express or direct anger at anything. 

So what is the actual source of abuse, if not past trauma? There's no study or statistics that can tell us that for sure, and abusers are careful to maintain their story and are not interested in being studied past what makes people feel bad for them. I would guess that it's a mix of entitlement, being in a position of power over someone vulnerable, never having to develop empathy or compassion, being rewarded continuously for acts of abuse, and social influence (admiring other abusers and wanting the power they have). A lot of social structures support and enable abuse of those who are at the very bottom of it, with very few protections against it. A lot of people believe it's their right to abuse someone if they have the power over that person, and gain power specifically for that cause. Abusers will have children and believe this is their property and they can do whatever they please with it, abuse being a part of it.

If we don't know where abuse comes from, how do we combat it? I don't believe in feeling sorry for the abusers or giving them endless attention, chances, excuses and rationalizations; instead I believe we should stand firm on the fact that abuse is inexcusable, and will have consequences, regardless of how it came into their behaviour. If abuse always had consequences, regardless of the history of the abuser, they would know they can't get away with it, that they can't later make everyone feel sorry for them and go on with their sob stories. Abuse would get them punished, not sympathized with.

I also believe the abuser's point of view should be decentralized; it should be victims who get to speak. It's easy for the abuser to show themselves in the positive light, minimizing the abuse, insisting the victim provoked or wanted it, that it wasn't that bad and it was done with 'best intentions'. But if we listened to victims, we would quickly understand that anyone who can do this to another person is monstrous, and should not be extended any sympathy. Abusers don't extend their sympathy to the victims when they abuse, so why should they expect to get it? Society should take abuse more seriously and put defenses into place, so abusers are not as easily able to put it behind closed doors. Resources for recognizing abuse, especially child abuse and intimate abuse, should be taught, spread and shared in society, so nobody would be able to convince another that suffering abuse is normal, or justified.

One of the biggest barriers to escaping abuse is victim confessing what's been happening to a trusted family member or a friend, and then this family member or a friend shaming and blaming them for it, instead of offering help and protection. It takes a lot of courage to even say something out loud, knowing the abuser would punish them for it, and then to be punished externally for speaking out, it's devastating. If abuse was taken seriously, and victims understood to be fault-free, but singled out, isolated and hurt in a way that nobody should be, and it was understood it's a societal responsibility to protect them against this, it would be easier to speak out, and get support. It often takes a society to help someone get free, because abusers are hell-bent on abusing once they start to, the victims need multiple barriers before abusers could get anywhere near them.

And why shouldn't we want that? If we know there are people in society such as children, young people, people without regular income, poor people, disabled people, compassionate people, marginalized people, people who struggle to recognize and flag down predators, shouldn't we want to make sure they're protected? That nothing bad happens to them, and they're free to live their lives safe from those who would do them continuous harm and make them want to die? We want our young, old, kind, vulnerable, sensitive, disabled, poor, compassionate and marginalized people safe and happy. There's no reason to throw them under the bus and leave them to suffer abuse.

[something-not-quite-human]

A PSA about mental health terminology because it's important to understand what these actually mean and it annoys me that people use them wrong:

A delusion is when a person believes something unrealistic or unlikely. It can be thinking that people can read your mind, believing you have super powers, thinking someone or a group of people are out to get you, thinking someone is spying on you, that someone or something close to you has been replaced with a clone/replica, etc. It is not thinking someone is mad at you or misinterpreting a situation.

Gaslighting is when you remember one thing, but someone acts like you're wrong. They make you doubt your memory and it can feel like you always overreact. It is not just someone lying to you or being confused. It's a genuine attempt to make the victim feel crazy/wrong.

Intrusive thoughts are typically dark and out of character for the person. They are unwanted and uncomfortable thoughts such as specific acts of violence, incest, sexual harassment, hurting yourself, hurting those close to you, etc. It is not just some silly quirky impulsive act.

Impulsive thoughts are what most people think are intrusive thoughts. Impulsive thoughts, unlike intrusive thoughts, are not typically dark or uncomfortable. It is a brief thought where you want to do something such as major purchases, sticking your hand in a blender, jumping out of a moving car, etc. Whereas intrusive thoughts last for some time, Impulsive thoughts do not and are easy to dismiss.

Psychopathy is an actual trait/condition that affects a person's day to day life. It does not immediately make them a bad person and typically stems from certain traumas. While the symptoms can include poor impulse control and disregard for others, it does not mean the person is violent or a serial killer. Grow up.

Sociopathy is a condition/trait where the patient is numb to all emotions. They could feel one emotion or feel loyalty to friends, but they can live normal lives. It does not mean the person is evil or cruel. They literally have no reason to hurt you and do not care about you. It stems from neglect as a child.

Narcissism is trait/condition in which a person believes themselves to be better than everyone else. Their skills, intelligence, and appearance are all above the average person. Narcissism, as a trait, is treatable and they can change over time. Narcissism, as a condition, is known as Narcissitic Personality Disorder and is not curable (obviously). More research needs to be done in order to better understand the condition, but these people are not all abusers and manipulators and assholes. They are normal people, and if you're going to judge someone purely based on their mental illness, then they are right that they're better than you.

There a ton more that I could add, but I'm just going to put the blanket statement: DO NOT USE ACTUAL DIAGNOSABLE CONDITIONS AS AN ADJECTIVE

Ex: Calling yourself or others OCD, Bipolar, Autistic, Anorexic, Schizophrenic, Psychopathic, Sociopathic, etc. unless they actually have that condition

TL;DR

Educate yourself about what terms and mental health issues actually are before using them liberally, and don't judge people for what they can't control.

[nekropsii]

Its so wild to me that ppl r saying the functionality of her prosthetic means her disability is functionally erased. Like. She experienced major bodily trauma guys. Do you [general, aimed at the crowd not nekro] not think she was going to need adjustments and replacements through the rest of her life as her body grew up from whatever baby age she was when this happened? Do you not think there was a measure of anxiety knowing her neighbor could remotely hijack her prosthetic or refuse to perform maintenance on it if it malfunctioned? do you not think she had to adjust to using it, to interacting with her environment/her own body now that one of her hands was made of metal? Do you think about the pinching and nerve damage that might be accumulating at the spot where it connects? Do you think about the way that her shoulder muscles might have had to develop to accommodate the weight of a metal appendage? This gives me so many headaches.

Even without all those ideas, you are Disabled if you cannot efficiently and effectively perform everyday tasks without difficulty or the assistance of a Disability Aid. Disability Aids do not cure your Disability, they literally just aid you in doing things you otherwise would either struggle with or flat out would not be able to do.

It's akin to saying people who are on Anti-Depressants that need them to survive are not truly Mentally Ill just because they happened to have had access to something to keep them stable. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that, sure - many either cope by turning to other substances, fall victim to the disorder consuming their lives, or kill themselves - but their access to that medication doesn't erase the fact that they are struggling, and are very much so walking a tightrope where they could, at any point, lose access to those pills and be right back to square one, if not worse.

Yes, Vriska is lucky to have had a neighbor skilled enough in robotics to engineer her a prosthetic. Very lucky. But having the means to help yourself doesn't erase your disability. People with Hearing Aids sure as fuck don't stop being Hearing Impaired when they put them on. People with Glasses don't stop being Visually Impaired when they get their script. People with PTSD don't magically stop being traumatized if they buy a Service Dog. Yes, these things definitely help them function, but they can be taken away at any moment, and the same cannot be said for the Able-Bodied and the Sane.

This is honestly such a wild argument to start on the first day of Disability Pride Month, of all days. It's deeply ironic, in a painful kind of way.

[fmet]

Rereading No Home and it’s so obvious that all of Haejoon’s experiences and recollection of his home life mirrors the perception of someone with a mentally ill family who later inherits that same mental illness, whether due to biology or upbringing or a mixture both. Everything that he’s went through, and everything that he thinks towards himself, the world around him, and his family connections (or lack thereof) are things that I have thought exactly as a mentally ill child of mentally ill parents. I think it’s fine to simply interpret his and his mom’s ESP on surface level and no way deeper, but deciding to observe his motifs in the context of mental illness makes much of his behavior and his later development sooo much more impactful at least for me personally.

His mother, having acquired something immutable early in her childhood and living with it up until her death. Nothing about this acquisition being palatable to her other family members or social circle, with them ultimately leaving her alone with a son. She makes peace with this loneliness and her abnormality but that peace ultimately paralyzes any progress she could have made to rectify what she can change, allowing her son to be raised and live in the shadow of her abnormality. And eventually, whether due to hereditary factors or environment, he is led to acquiring that same symptom.

He’s ashamed of it, and it only hurts him more now knowing that the vitriol people hold for his mother would be held the same for him if they knew, and consequently decides to ignore or deny any relation he may have to what he and his mother experience. Following his mothers death, he considers himself completely alone in his symptoms, with no one to confide in and no one to tell him it’s normal to experience what he does. Thus, he runs away to an environment where he believes he not only doesn’t have to confront his guilt towards his mothers death, but in order to escape from the framework where most of his symptoms took place, where they were acknowledged, where they were accepted. By removing himself from the spatial and emotional framework of where his ESP developed, he believes it will disappear, the same way trauma victims or depressed people do when given the opportunity to venture forth from their home life (oftentimes the source of their disorder).

But it didn’t. In fact, as a result of his refusal to accept his experiences as real, they only proliferate into actual metaphysical manifestation: hallucinations, insomnia, paranoia, depression, violent thoughts and actions. He quite literally loses his mind due to the denial of what he and his mother shared with each other. His hostile relationship with Eunyung, in turn, exasperates these metaphysical manifestations of his familial fractures (I could write a book on the way Eunyung and Haejoon treat each other as extensions of both their mothers, but that’s neither here nor there).

The ghosts in his life are both literal and figurative: his dead mother, long gone, no remnants left of her beyond himself and the memories he holds dear. Miyung, a reminder of his mother and home life’s idiosyncrasies that, while inextricable from the more negative associations and experiences he holds, is still held fondly. An allegory to how many mentally disordered people would not be themselves without that disorder, and consequently, any children they have seeing their symptoms as much “them” as any other behavior. His “mother’s ghost”, a symbol of nostalgia and escapism that encourages him to kill himself rather than reconstruct the social support he lost with her death. The dorm he and Eunyung live in at the beginning, laden with reminders and new developments originating from both their traumas. There’s a reason ghost sightings only subside when more people move into the house.

It’s in no way subtle. I think that even if this theme is storied under a practically translucent allegory in contrast to the more heavy handed themes in other arcs it’s still something that No Home fans should consider about Haejoon’s character. Considering what symbolic purpose the ghosts and other paranormal aspects of No Home contribute to the overall question of “what makes a home?” that the narrative proposes makes me love Haejoon so much more beyond surface level.

[yannaryartside]

Carmy has been a victim of gaslight his whole life

gifs by @robertacolndrez

So, the definition of gaslight, according to this site, is:

 "Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."

According to Forbes Health, this are some of the things you experience when you are being constantly gaslighted.

Anxiety

Depression

Disorientation

Lowered self-esteem

Post-traumatic stress disorder

A hyperbolized fear of danger, known as hypervigilance

I want to zoom off that last one; remember when Carmy told in the group sharing session that he had to remember himself that the world was not falling? That he had to remember himself to breathe?

If we take "Fishes" as a basis to understand the family dynamics as they grow up (and I think we should), then we can get a pretty good idea of how much Carmy's feelings and thoughts were discredited growing up.

When he speaks up about how much shit they are giving him about his profession, Donna and Mickey attack him in the group to make them say "I love you," basically telling him that it doesn't matter that they make him feel like shit; Carmy is supposed to love them no matter what. I assume this is the answer he got every time he spoke up about boundaries being crossed, or maybe he was just so intimidated by his much larger and loud older brother or his aggressive mother. We can get traces of this trauma every time he gets insulted to his face in the show; it was so bad that it was Pete of all people who had to defend him (it is very telling that is Pete because to everyone else, insulting Carmy and him having to just take it seem to be a normal occurrence, Donna made it that way). It was the only way to keep the peace and the family functioning. Clining to the love he could take in the "good moments."

Here are some ways the most important people of his life had gaslight Carmy:

Donna seems to have a preference for Mickey over Carmy, a preference he is aware of but never understands why. Donna will throw "forks" of random aggression at Carmen, and he can never fight back. As a child, he was forced to think there was something wrong with him because that is the way a kid's mind works.

Mickey lied to him about why he cast him out and hid his addiction. Ignored Carmy's calls and then acted like Carmy (who was alone in a different city and in a very mentally aggressive industry) was making a big deal about it. Carmy wanted support, and Mickey (probably the only real parent figure he ever had) was making him feel shit about it.

gifs by @thoughtfulchaos773

When he confronted it about it, Carmy couldn't even look his brother in the face; that is how much deep down Carmy was intimidated by him. Mickey also never gave him a final answer about their dream restaurant. With time, the breach between the brothers got so big that the only call he ever received about Mickey was to inform him of his death.

gifs by @espumado

Richie, Mickey, and others started to tell him about who he should date. It seems like they still intend to make decisions for him on that front. (Fuck Fak and Richie). They knew Carmys had a crush on Claire at some point and were weaponizing his emotions; Mickey probably did it to compensate for how much of a shy brother he had been. It is possible they ver wanted Claire for themselves.

And then, you have Claire, that absolute promisse of uncomplicated love and affection. She doesn't necessarily gaslight Carmy, but she definitely has infantilized him in a couple of instances. Aka, this post.

That kind of game from Claire, suggesting to somebody else what they should think or say, is not acceptable either. When a person does that, they are aware they are doing it; it doesn't matter if they think it is harmless or not. Toxic behavior and ignoring boundaries don't stop being toxic because you have love/affection for the other person.

The fact that a victim of gaslight like Carmy is accepting this treatment, a person who had to go with what people wanted from him his whole life, feeling he had to adapt to receive love, because otherwise there was something wrong with him (Donna), makes it all worse. Carmy has associated (subconsciously) accepting insulting scenarios as part of a relationship with a loved one. With Claire, he accepts being infantilized and guided into saying the things she wants him to say. Yikes all around. I am not saying Claire is or would abuse Carmy, but this dynamic's undertone is not pretty.

I hate to end this on a shipper note, but for me, this all goes back to Sydney. Since the beginning, Syd is the only person who has established clear intentions with him and followed through with them. She does it when she says she wants something or will do something. Why does this "best friend" woman seem to have a less toxic approach to their relationship than his own girlfriend? That shit cannot be unintentional. Camy and Syd established in s2 that they could argue while recognizing their responsibility for the argument. No antagonizing, no lies, no manipulation.

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

Hot take but I think what we saw in chapter 13 was necessary.

I don't think a lot of people realize how important it is for Araki to portray what he did, even if it extremely difficult to take in. Let me explain.

Araki has discussed about topics like racial and class disparity through both Steel Ball Run and Jojolion, but JOJOLands is different because the discussions are now very direct. We had Chapter 1 open up with police brutality and Chapter 13 open with intense bullying; both acts were committed by people of higher social standing/power and seemingly White (or white passing) and both are harming a dark-skinned queer individual. Not only that, remember that Hawai'i is an island stolen and colonized by the US and many indigenous individuals who were supposed to live and maintain kapu are being forced to endure housing problems, loss of culture, etc. due to gentrification and exploitation of its lands. 2020 was when we saw global protest towards the deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor due to police brutality, which has spread as far as Japan in terms of demonstrations and rallies. Araki has made it clear that he tries to take real world experience into his writing, and this is no different. He is also no stranger to portraying law enforcement throughout his parts without glorifying or downplaying their behavior.

As a mutual of mine (who themselves identify as a black GNC individual based in US) has put it, those who identify or even appear as Black while identifying as trans-femme or women are subjected to some of the worse kinds of oppression possible in America. Queer women of Color are one of the most susceptible to sexual violence-- especially when they are young, and the darkness of their skin really plays into it. This is transmisogynoir; it is a hard pill to swallow and acknowledge, even if it feels excessive, and its a multilayer of oppression that connects a person's racial identity, gender, and sexuality as targets of discrimination. It's the fact that one is POC, a woman, AND queer that makes one a target--- not just one or the other. You can’t turn a blind eye to this because it happen constantly throughout America's history and American society even today, but you can't simply water it down or downplay it. In fact, many victims of transmisogynoir have no choice but to downplay their experiences because of their Black identities or because they appear too dark to be taken seriously; when they, especially if they are Black, try to hold people in power accountable, these individuals are suddenly labeled aggressive, indignant, etc. and they are further discriminated for attempting to speak up. Dragona downplaying the bullying isn't them just trying to avoid further conflict but a reflection of how many who were in similar situations like Dragona are forced to simply forgive and forget the trauma they have to endure. To downplay it ourselves is reinforcing the narrative that individuals like Dragona in real life should remain silent and endure their harassment rather than rightfully protect themselves and others from it.

Another thing to add is that the way Japan portrays and treats the LGBTQ community, particularly the trans community. In Japan, the process to legally change your gender is complicated and requires a lot of steps that include, but not limited to, being diagnosed with gender identity disorder, proving you have no kids/guardianships, and sterilization. This causes a lot of individuals to be forced to quickly transition as a means of getting their gender recognized, which takes away the time to let them explore at their own pace, and this is due to how the process can lead to hindering career and life opportunities that wouldn't be hindered had they already transitioned or stayed closeted. Many Japanese trans individuals unable to go through the process quickly either remain closeted or move away from Japan to transition at their own pace. So, as a result, the trans community and its struggles is not as noticed compared to outside of Japan. Another thing to add is that the trans community in Japanese media is often portrayed as comedic relief or a gag. Oftentimes, the trans character or character who diverts from gender conformity (i.e cross-dressing, acting more flamboyant) is the butt of the jokes. Some thing to note is that, when Dragona was first introduced, a lot of people thought that Araki put Dragona in simply for comedic purposes. I had people joke about how Dragona is just there because they believed Araki is trolling. Not only that, the racial issues that Japan has often results in jokes towards non-Japanese individuals in media, especially if they are of darker skin color.

So, Araki putting Dragona in these difficult situations is also meant to subvert expectations that his Japanese, and possibly Western, audience may be expecting. The expectation was to laugh and toss Dragona aside as a single-dimensional character, but Araki instead forced us to face the trauma through Dragona's experience head-on. We are made aware of Dragona's situation, how real and difficult the struggle is, and we end up emphasizing with it rather than laughing at it. Through this, we get a glimpse into real life experiences of trans POCs without it being downplayed and have it show how Dragona is a fleshed-out character with importance to the series. As some have put it, this chapter proved that Dragona isn't just a side character but arguably a complex individual on the same level of importance as Jodio. I don't think it would have been easy to have the same impact if another approach was taken.

While talking to others who identify as trans and/or GNC about their thoughts on the chapter, I was told by many of them that, while Dragona's experience hits close to home and was hard to digest, they appreciate seeing it being expressed and hope it will help other people understand their struggles. One noted how the introduction of Smooth Operators with the backstory as empowering, seeing the Stand as a symbol of surviving the trauma that comes with trans discrimination. I do find this a bit telling with how many people online who are against Araki's portrayal barely mention what trans/GNC people have said about it.

My main concern, as well as what I see people have rightfully critiqued, is the excessive trauma reinforcing the fetishization and violent voyeurism towards trans individuals; it also reinforces the problematic narrative that dysmorphia can only happen as a result of trauma and the trans experience can only be full of pain. There's also the issue that Dragona's experience also happened while they were under age and their harassment is similar to that of Lucy. It's a common trope in Western media to put marginalized people into these situations while upping the ante simply for clicks and pleasure, and even worse when the character portrayed is a minor. As I reiterate, it is a very uncomfortable chapter to read and I don't find it enjoyable at the slightest. Just because I understand why it is necessary doesn't mean I condone the approach done. I also understand Araki as a Japanese man can only relate and portray a queer American's experience to an extent. But, at the same time, the exposure was necessary because it gives us the awareness and a voice to trans people that is lacking within media even today. We need to be aware and acknowledge what our BIPOC trans community goes through as a means of being better humans--- and especially our younger community members. We need to make our society safer for them so they can thrive and have the respect they deserve. Oftentimes, that starts with how they are portrayed and how their experiences are portrayed. While it is still a journey and not every representation will be perfect, we can't simply toss it aside and bash those who try to show something realistic just because it is uncomfortable.

I only hope that Araki wrote Dragona and these scenes as a result of doing extensive research and reaching out to actual POC queer individuals, particularly transfemmes/women, to understand their experiences and have their blessings to use their words to shape Dragona. I feel like that would show that Araki was serious about discussing these issues through his characters rather than simply using Dragona's traumatic experience it for entertainment. I have higher expectations for Araki now, knowing that it may not be the last time he shows a character experience harassment and possibly have Dragona be harassed again, so I will keep my eyes open for this.

[zoofles]

Great way to remind me to remind you all not to not bash compulsive liars. They are most likely trauma victims who have very serious mental struggles with truth and lie, lying to avoid danger, lying to be loved, lying to feel good about themselves and most importantly,…drum roll please…lying because—THEY DONT KNOW WHY! They don’t know why they lie and they can’t stop or control it because it’s COMPULSIVE!!!! Many people hate them but they USUALLY HATE THE FACT THAT THEY LIE AND DONT KNOW WHY!!! It stems from childhood abuse and trauma and just gets worse and worse without treatment! And 9/10 times I assure you nobody wants to treat them because everyone thinks they’re just a big lying dick or something. Most times compulsive liars will lie about things that literally make no sense to lie about ! And 10/10 times they either don’t know they’re lying, or hate themselves thoroughly for it! It’s just like any other stigmatised mental disorder, and as much as it can be frustrating to hear lies 24/7 and wonder ‘why can’t they just tell the truth?’ Imagine them. Imagine WANTING to tell the truth but your disorder destroys your ability too, eventually leading to confusion and self isolation. Wild how it’s not an insult or title to be thrown around!

[theswiftheartsystem]

Tw: very aggressive anti-endo post I’m responding to (Syscourse of course with that.) also I will most likely curse here and come off as very angry.

Okay, so I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post genuinely pissed me the fuck off. I blocked out identifying information of the person because it’s not about this person, it’s about the general misinformation spread by these people. Please do not harass this person, this post is clearly engagement bait, which is what ultimately made me decide to do it this way.

Religious forms of plurality has existed and been known about far longer then DID has. Not just Tibetan Buddism. Which just shows you haven’t done any fucking research whatsoever. That’s pretty typical for posts like this, but still.

“Support actual victims” A lot of endogenic systems have trauma as well, but you deny them the right to exist because the trauma isn’t valid to you. It isn’t the “right” way. A lot of endogenic systems form alters to because there brain isn’t shielding them from the trauma by forming DID or OSDD, or a different form of plurality, so they fucking do it themselves. But no, they don’t fit your narrow views of plurality so therefore “to bad, so sad, you don’t deserve support” A lot of systems are Trauma-Endo, but that trauma isn’t real enough to you because you have decided “I don’t experience this, so it doesn’t exist” same fucking argument is used against queer people, people with invisible disabilities, (which DID can be, and we consider it one for ourselves personally, that doesn’t mean it is for everyone) and basically every fucking Minority.

Even if endogenic systems have no trauma, which does happen, why are you against them having a safe space??? That means they won’t be in your safe spaces because they have separate ones?!?!

I assume the persecutor thing is something to fall back on “Oh my persecutor said it, it wasn’t me!!!” As a persecutor myself, I don’t give a shit if you are a persecutor, or a caregiver, or whatever. You still are responsible for what you say and do. You are still responsible for what your alters say and do.

I assume this person is saying endogenic systems have factious disorder or something, but guess the fuck what. People with factious disorder deserve safe spaces too. Factious disorder is a real fucking disorder not just a quirky thing to call people. They deserve help and therapy with factious disorder, like you deserve treatment for DID.

Also as a final thing to add, it’s funny how sysmeds complain about how endogenic systems go on tags for them, when they don’t want to see it, and then purposely try to make upsetting post and using the tags used by the community so they see them and get triggered.

Endogenic systems have done nothing fucking wrong to you by existing.

-Edward

[furiousgoldfish]

Victims of abuse are often looked down upon for 'suffering in silence' and 'not saying anything', as if it's the victim's fault for not speaking out. But it comes from absolute ignorance.

There's never silence without a reason. Abusers understand they'll be outed if their victim speaks out, and they do extensive work preventing them from doing so. And society often helps them out, and makes it extra hard for the victims to say anything.

As soon as the victim speaks out, the abuser will retalliate against them. The victims know and understand this, and have lived trough experiences where they've been severely harmed and traumatized for daring to say something, even out loud in front of the abuser. It's not difficult to imagine for victims that they could be killed for speaking out, or lose their place of living, place of work, their circle of friends, their every day life. Because the abusers are capable of doing that, they'll start a smear campaign that can cost victims greatly, before the victim has even said a single word. Often even before the victims speak out, the abusers make sure they will never be believed.

If the victim still persists and keep speaking out, the society will give them the next resistance. They can be shut down by their best friend, who was also taught to defend abusers and give them a second chance because it's "the right thing to do" and "nobody's perfect". They can be victim-blamed by all of the people who think the abuse could never happen to them because they "make good choices" so they need to believe that the victim is incredibly stupid and "made bad choices" that got them abused. They need to believe they would have control over whether they're abused or not, so they can't stand the reality of abuse being outside the victim's control. They don't want to hear about the genuine circumstances of it, because that's too much for them to handle, and they'll hurry up and shame the victim for 'bringing this onto themselves', not caring how cruel they are, or how much they're enabling the abuse to continue.

Then there will be people who are also abusers, who hear the story and find themselves in the role of the abuser, so they attack the victim in order to defend themselves and their own actions. After all, if this abuser is shown as 'wrong', then they could be shown in that light too! And that is unacceptable so the victim has to be "told off" and every act of abuse explained away with "the victim did something to deserve it" or "the victim is lying to be vicious and for attention". If they manage to keep that narrative, they feel better about continuing their own abuse and never getting outed.

If the story of the abuse goes public, the public opinion is often not kind to the victim. Plenty of people think abuse is funny and will ridicule and humiliate the victim. Plenty will keep pretending it "wouldn't happen if the victim made different choices" (implying the victim had a choice in it). Plenty of sadistic people will enjoy hearing about it and will use it for pleasure. Plenty of other victims will see how badly the story is received and it will become another reason for their personal silence – who could stand having their worst trauma opened up for scrutiny, ridicule and humilation from strangers? It could make the victims suicidal.

The life of victims is already incredibly hard. If they haven't gotten a chronic illness or a disorder or ptsd from the trauma, they're still living with the knowledge that someone on this planet hurt them so badly it changed the course of their life, it hurt them to the point they wished to not be alive. They have to live with heartbreak, with self doubt, with struggling to survive because the abuse often breaks your social circles, your ability to focus, to feel confident and capable and worthy of love. Most often what victims want is just some comfort and peace, a place of safety, a way to keep fear at bay. To be distracted from pain.

Exposing what happened to us and then receiving additional abuse, danger, intrusion from sadistic strangers into our lives, blame, shame, humiliation, and public hatred, it feels life-threatening. Not to mention making it likely the abusers will come after us, will attempt to destroy us again, to take every bit of our life away as a punishment. Silence if sometimes the only way of life we have left, the last thing that we use to protect ourselves. Silence is not enabling of abuse. It's survival.

[sophieinwonderland]

Reminded again how r/systemscringe and pluralphobes are borrowing right-wing talking points...

Earlier today, we happened to click on a link on Reddit about how adult websites are locking out Texans due to new restrictions. One thing popped out to me though...

While this is about adult websites, it's also been a major trope of anti-LGBT groups for the past few years to manipulate a hateful base.

And when they point it out, it's pretty clear that r/systemscringe is using this same exact tactic.

When deciding to make their hit list of acceptable targets, r/systemscringe mod u/Goat_Alter justified this by saying it would raise awareness of people who have "groomed countless minors" into having a "fictious" disorder. (Which is easily the strangest spelling of Factitious Disorder I've ever seen.)

The wording here of referring to this as having "groomed countless minors" is not incidental.

It's not innocent.

It's manipulation.

u/Goat_Alter is using a manipulation tactic taken straight from the alt-right and queerphobes. Only this particular manipulation, in this case, is even worse as it's aimed largely at survivors of childhood trauma and abuse who are likely to become triggered when the r/systemscringe mods accuse people of having "groomed countless minors."

The language is designed specifically to prey on your emotions and draw a parallel between endogenic systems and child molesters.

If any r/systemscringe members are reading this right now, know that the people who are pretending to be your friends are utilizing alt-right queerphobic tactics, and frankly, are using your own trauma to manipulate and control you.

And this isn't an isolated case.

In another post, when a member of r/systemscringe talks about how someone convinced other people they have DID, one user replied saying "that's straight up grooming."

And while I don't support trying to convince other people that they have a mental disorder (assuming the OP isn't lying or exaggerating as r/systemscringe often does,) it is NOT "straight up grooming."

Here's another one referring to "grooming children into believing they're systems:

And another:

And another:

And another:

And there are so many more just like these. Every single one designed to prey on emotions, especially of people who are CSA victims themselves, and manipulate them into into equating systems with child molesters.

The same exact way the alt-right uses this tactic on LGBT people.

...

Hopefully by pointing this out, making people aware of this manipulation tactic will make them more resistant to it in the future.

[narcissisticacey]

I want people who think "narc abuse" is real to understand that we are not invalidating your abuse. No one deserves to be abused. What we're invalidating is your choice to armchair diagnose your abuser with a personality disorder and then act like anyone with said personality disorder is an abuser. You're fucked up for that and you deserve to be called out for that shit.

First of all, none of you are a psychiatrist and your abuser is not your client, so therefore, you cannot diagnose them with a personality disorder. That's the first thing.

Secondly, narc abuse is not real because there is no possible or probable way to differentiate types of abuse based on disorders since a good chunk of personality disorders overlap in their symptoms. So saying that you suffered from narc abuse when your abuser could potentially actually have BPD or another Cluster B disorder is stupid and that's why you're incorrect in saying that narc abuse is real.

Lastly, a lot of you don't realize or don't care to realize that people with NPD were abused themselves and that's why we're like this. Our personalities got warped from trauma. And not for nothing, but you OTHER victims are susceptible to getting a personality disorder, as well; so don't demonize something you may have developed and need to deal with in the future. Just saying.

[violentviolette]

i see we have reached that time every 2 to 3 years when this entire tag completely forgets/warps the meanings of words and instead of just doing absolutely any research, just says incorrect information with their whole chest with the false confidence of a child emporer so here's a little reminder

empathy is broken up into 2 components. cognitive empathy and affective/emotional empathy

cognitive empathy is the ability to correctly identify and intellectually understand the emotions of others. an example would be, ur friend has lost a relative and has been upset and down recently. u recognize their lack of engagement and low energy and need for time alone as them processing that grief, u understand why they are upset after the death of someone they cared for. none of this requires u to personally feel any emotions, it is an intellectual understanding and is therefore something people learn through experience with others. it is connected to emotional literacy and understanding human behavior

affective/emotional empathy is an involuntary and uncontrolled mirror response. it exists in social species to help strengthen bonds and encourage emotional understanding, and is when u very literally experience the emotions of others. an example would be, ur friend has lost a relative and is upset, and u mirror their emotional state and share in their grief. u feel pain and sadness and loss alongside them, u cry, u need time alone to process, u not only understand why they are upset, but u urself are also upset as if this was happening to u as well. this is an involuntary response, it cannot be taught or learned, and it cannot be conciously or actively turned on or off by the person experiencing it. u feel these emotions reguardless of if u want to or not. it is instinctual the same way yawning is. yawning is theorized to be a type of affective empathy and the instinctual response to yawn after seeing someone else yawn is an example of mirroring

all human beings are capable of cognitive empathy. it is a skill that can be taught and learned. most people learn this skill in childhood, others when they are older, but there is no limit to when u can learn to understand this

emotional empathy on the other hand, is much more complex. people experience this on a spectrum, like most things. trauma hugely impacts our ability to feel emotional empathy, and it is a common and standard symptom for victims of abuse to develop empathy dysfunctions. this can include anything from empathy "turning off" or "shutting down" which describes a fluctuating state of empathy within a person. they can have empathy for some people or situations but not others and is highly connected to their specific trauma. its a defense mechanism, these people often had their empathy weaponized against them and used to abuse them, so their brains learn to stop feeling it in order to protect themselves, like building up a pain tolerance some people lose the ability to emotionally empathize entirely after abuse, and cannot expereince empathy reguardless of the person or situation. sometimes this is temporary and with enough healing and time away from abuse they can regain that ability, others do not and never experience it again. and some people are born without the ability to emotionally empathize at all and have never expereinced it (like some autistic people, this is again a spectrum)

cluster b disorders cover a range of empathy dysfunction, but they do all expereince it. hpd is usually catagorized with short, temporary interruptions/dysfunctions and can almost always regain the ability to emotionally empathize, bpd and npd usually have fluctuating empathy that turns on and off, in bpd it is much more likely for that to become lifelong, whereas with npd it is more likely to be able to regain full empathy, and lastly aspd is catagorized by a complete break and lack of emotional empathy that is not able to be regained

and absolutely none of that is connected to ur treatment of others. empathy is not an action, it is solely about ur own internal emotional expereince or lack thereof. it has nothing to do with how u respond to others, how u handle situations, or ur ability to act compassionately or with care and consideration for those around u. it is solely about ur own personal internal emotional expereince in response to other peoples emotions

hope that helps

[circular-jerkular]

Paraphilias

Everyone I've ever met who I've discussed sex with is a paraphile. Every single one. I've never met someone (again, who engages in sex and discusses it with me) who doesn't fit the definition of paraphile.

Let's talk about it.

Paraphilias are, essentially, kinks. They are "abnormal" sexual interests. According to the very first definition showing up on google, defined from Wikipedia, was "an experience of recurring or intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, places, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals." Take that as you will. (I'm going to be looping back to this definition later, don't worry-)

The thing is, if we look up lists of paraphilias, there's plenty on there that are incredibly common.

For instance -- bondage girlies, where you at? Ever enjoy being blindfolded? Are you turned on by being blindfolded? If you are aroused by being blindfolded, you have amaurophilia. That's the arousal of being blind/blindfolded.

Let's do more. How many of you like MILFS? That's anililagnia. Folks into breast feeding? That's actually got two names, lactophilia or galactophilia. Are you like... really into porn? Fun fact, that's pictophilia.

See where I'm going with this? If it's considered outside of the norm -- the norm being completely vanilla (cishet) sex -- then it's considered a paraphilia. We can discuss for years how that's fucked up, how attractions to LGBT+ individuals are often considered paraphilias due to that definition, etc etc-- but that's not what I want to talk about today.

What I want to talk about is how it's absolutely heinous to me to see so many people online attack literally anyone who expresses that they have a para.

"Well, Circ, when people say that, they don't mean--" Stop. Stop right there.

How do you know? If someone says they're a paraphile, that means someone who has an abnormal kink. That's it. Seeing as the classical definition of paraphile included suffering and humiliation (you mean... BDSM?) it's impossible to know just from a single "I have paras" what they meant.

But let's say that you're right. Let's say it's one of the "Big Three." So fucking what?

Ooooo yay, I get into this topic today.

The commonality of pedophilia, zoophilia, and necrophilia -- the commonly named "big three" paras, as far as I'm aware -- cannot be understated in DID spaces. Particularly pedophilia. Many, many sexual abuse survivors develop paraphilias based on those events, even if they don't recall those traumas. This is very common in DID spaces.

So if someone in these online spaces is saying "I have a paraphilia," and maybe they mean one of the big three... again. So what?

Paraphilias are not directly harmful. They are a kink. They are arousal and nothing more, and arousal is morally neutral. I am aroused by horrific things. I am turned on by things that do disgust me at times and make me uncomfortable. That disgust is due to the trauma I've experienced, by and large. But arousal is completely neutral.

"Are you saying it's okay to be turned on by fucking kids?"

Because that's where all of you go, to harm CSA victims.

No. It's not okay to fuck children. Pedophilia is harmful, duh, that's blatantly obvious to anyone with half a shred of awareness of consent.

But, particularly when sexuality is budding and people are starting to figure themselves out, they cannot control these arousals.

Saying they have paras may indicate one of two things: they have a paraphilia, or they have paraphilic disorders. Paraphilic disorders are diagnosed when an individual has a paraphilia that distresses them. Most of the people I've seen online who are harassed for saying they have a paraphilia have been those with paraphilic disorders.

This is where I get to the other definition of paraphilias, which far more people rely on: sexual fantasies revolving around children, objects, animals, or similar non-consenting individuals.

I'm going to highlight one word there. Fantasies. That's it.

I don't think it's okay to be turned on by the actual act of things. "Pro-contact" is a... Ugh. Sorry, bile in my mouth from that one.

But I think it's okay to acknowledge and accept that many people do have paraphilias, including the big three, and they shouldn't be demonized for simply having them.

I'll be honest; when I first started using this blog to discuss controversial sex things and syscourse of an adult nature, I immediately wanted to discuss paraphilias, particularly how I've had to come to terms with my own if I wanted to move past dwelling on them. And I have, to some degree -- I've mentioned hypnosis, knives, somno, a lot of kinks on here. But I knew that as soon as the word Paraphilia(tm) pops up, people automatically go screaming about pedophilia. So I hadn't posted, out of very real fear of harassment.

Story time with Circ! I once reblogged something from someone (whom I did not know at the time) who was a necrophile, and potentially pedophilic as well. The post in question was about something completely unrelated -- something something syscourse and isolation -- but the user themselves had posted things in the past about desires to fuck corpses. Hm! I got an anon that told me they were a necrophile, and I responded "And?" Because, 1) I don't trust a single anon, 2) I don't trust a single anon in syscourse spaces when someone is criticizing syscourse, and 3) The post in question was not about paraphilias. Mind you, I did the puritan diligence of stalking their blog. I did not see any of the posts in question. But because of my response, and explaining my response, a very prominent user (thankfully on a sideblog, so it didn't get blasted everywhere) made a callout post about how I was a necrophile.

First -- No, I'm not. That's... definitely not a turn on. Ew.

But secondly, this absolutely traumatized me. I was scared for my life, genuinely, because my paranoia was certainly activated. I was certain I would be doxxed. I stalked all of the blogs of theirs I knew for about 3 months, to be certain the post didn't blow up. I recall seeing it had 2 notes. I checked back in frequently to see if the post was still up.

The user eventually apologized to me, and I greatly appreciated it. But do you see how terrifying this is for people who merely interact with someone who, again, is not even confirmed to be what was said? (The post about fucking a corpse could've been satire; I've seen worse on Tumblr, for certain, and while I don't want to interact with someone who makes jokes like that, that still does not indicate a paraphilia).

So, here I am today, making sure people know: I am a safe space. You're allowed to have paraphilias. You're allowed to have sexual fantasies beyond the norm. You're allowed to be distressed by them, and please remember that arousal is neutral.

And... the most controversial of all: as long as no harm comes to living, breathing creatures or people... it's fine to not be distressed to.

I'm not distressed by my desire to be hurt during sex. I'm not distressed by my consensual-non-consent kink, which falls under the clinical definition of paraphilias. I'm not distressed by my knife kink or other similar kinks that would bring me severe bodily harm.

I used to be, a little bit, but I accepted that they were completely neutral.

So long as no harm comes to people (or animals, looking at zoophiles) then it's fine.

To all those with paraphilias: I hope you're doing well. Know you aren't alone.

Literally everyone is with you.

[chaifootsteps]

A bit of medical ramblimg about Ang, I'm trying to figure out what happened regarding their health.

There's no condition where you can literally taste your own spinal fluid in your mouth, if that were the case they'd be paralyzed and convulsing right now but their spine mobility and functionality seem fine, looking at the alien dance videos.

Most of their symptoms seem to be psychosomatic, due to trauma, depression, anxiety and a mixture of all of them. They probably misinterpreted some stuff, but still insisted that doctors HAD to diagnose them with something.

The "end of life care" they mentioned most likely consisted in hallucinogenic mushrooms, since they mentioned them multiple times as part of their spiritual awakening, and they may lead to psychosis in individuals that are already mentally unwell. They never accessed actual palliative therapies or hospice care, because they don't need any, they just need psychiatric help that doesn't involve psilocybin.

From what I gathered she often identifies with the figure of the wounded, suffering victim and never presented themselves as anything else, despite managing to work for other animation studios after the shota leaks. Playing the victim may look beneficial for some people, but it could lead to horrible outcomes. People should be more critical towards their state, as enablers of people who suffer from hypochondria or Munchausen syndrome never do any good this way.

If you really care about Ang, talk about their REAL health issues.

At this point I have no idea what Ang's actual medical status is and what psychosomatic disorders they have or don't have, but tasting cerebrospinal fluid is a very real thing.

[furiousgoldfish]

I had a conversation the other day, with a person who seemed to have some respect for me, but couldn't understand why I'm still having trauma symptoms, and can't be normal already. I took it as a chance to try and explain my symptoms, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears;  I was told I just needed to tell myself that 'I am a new person now', and forget about the past. The person then explained to me how they weren't always the same person either, and they would sometimes cringe at their behaviour in the past, but then they would be proud of themselves for being smarter and more reasonable today. I couldn't quite explain to them that my situation was not the same.

They gave me various suggestions like 'just don't think about these things anymore', and 'these people are not going to hurt you anymore', which I strongly doubted was true. I tried to explain that I am not purposefully thinking about it; in fact, I was doing everything to avoid it. But with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and the symptoms of the dissociative disorder, I had no control over it, the past was at my throat, holding me and unwilling to let go. I could tell that they still believed I was doing it on purpose, holding on and refusing to stop living in the past.

I very rarely get a chance to talk to someone about anything trauma related, so I was originally grateful that anyone was even showing an interest at 'attempting to help me', but later when I thought about the entire thing, I got pissed off.

Firstly it doesn't make any sense for me to be 'normal', in any timeline, regardless of how much time has passed. You can't have a person living first few decades of their life in belief that their life is worthless, in environment where they're getting locked up, beaten, humiliated, tortured, threatened with death, brainwashed to believe they're not human, severely neglected, and without any kind of genuine caretaker or a parent. And then leave it to this person to 'deal with it alone', never getting any help, never even getting reassured that what happened to them was wrong. That is complete abandonment by human society, and I find it sick and twisted that this person should be expected to adhere and integrate into society afterwards, for what? This person will logically feel betrayed, untrusting, bitter, feral and unnacepting the society's standards, especially their standards for victim blaming and ignoring abuse. Society continually fails these people expects them to 'fix themselves' so nobody would feel uncomfortable about it.

Secondly why is it up to me to change as a person? I am not like this because 'I was not a good enough person', I am not the one who needs changing. I am good as I am. It's worse that after being failed in every aspect, I am now being seen as the one in 'the need of change', for not acting normal and being haunted by my past. I am not hurting anybody! I am the only one suffering from this. God forbid my reality leaves someone uncomfortable, I better try to hide it better. Which I actually do unless sometimes is actively asking me about it.

And the last bit of my anger is about making it seem like the actual problem is 'me holding onto the past', and not my life being severely different and harmful in a way that isolates me from other people. I don't have the same formative experiences other people had. I don't remember being cooed at and hugged, I don't have endless experiences of being taught that I'm important, that someone will care and intervene when I'm in pain, that the figures of mother and father are safe, warm, comforting and reliable. That childhoods are a positive and fun part of life. That families work as an environment for children to be raised on. I don't have the experiences that formed all other beliefs that this culture holds, I hold nothing sacred that is sacred to everyone else, I don't believe in the authorities, I don't believe in family, I don't rejoice with holidays, I don't want children, I don't trust religion, I feel contempt towards capitalism, I don't relate or connect to people who are receptive to any of it.

And it turns out I'm right to feel as I do. Because people in this society will actively come to me asking me to 'stop being like that', while never asking any abuser to 'stop being like that'. Victims who make them uncomfortable can be spoken down to, should be told to stop being traumatized, even in private, while the abusers just need to be 'ignored' and 'hopefully they stop doing it'. What a great plan. Surely it will fix everything.

Humane thing to do would be to approach me with awareness that I've been treated like a worthless creature and address it and allow me to act genuine about it. If I'm still feeling betrayed, abandoned and outcast from society, I should be able to express that. I deserve to react with genuine responses rather than this insane preformance art I have to do every single day to make sure nobody else is aware or uncomfortable by my peril.