#so anyways i'm just gonna keep reading the books that help me mentally

[userm3rc]

Can I request a headcanon about how Dee from metal family acts like when he has a crush? I love your writing so much

this is so late im SO sorry good lord but

HC's with how Dee acts when he has a crush-

See i wanna give him the benefit of the doubt and say "He accepts it & plots what he's going to do!!"

I'm going to be honest, his first action is denial.

deny deny deny. he's just going to pretend its not there! ... mentally at least

but physically, is a whole other thing. He tenses up around you, blushes, stutters, looses train of thought .. etc.

see hes telling himself , "crush? nah. nah its js.. allergies." and physically here he goes . "so- uh. er. yeah!" and then walks away swiftly. is basically RUNNING.

mf folds so quickly 😭. give him a good 2-3 convos and then he finally accepts that its a crush

now that he's accepted it, it depends on who you are to him!

for example, if you're someone who he shares a class with, expect him to just "so... do you understand this?" in order to try and get to know you! whether it's you 'helping' (we all know he understands everything that's going on. overachiever here.) him, or him helping you!

But if you're someone he's already friends with, he'll just find easier ways to connect with you! que the, "have you heard ____ new song?" or maybe for the book lovers , " i saw (book you've already read) & it seems interesting, can you tell me what its about?" , and for the creative ones "oh i saw they opened up a ___ shop down the road, wanna check it out?" and the possibilities are endless!!

as time goes on, it depends on personal preference how you get together, 9/10 you'll get impatient and have to take charge because bros gonna keep 2nd guessing every other day. But if you dont mind waiting its a huge ego boost that you waited just for him :)

all in all, its an amusing process and eventually turns out the way you want it so !!

---

hey guys i'm back writing... lowkey.. the school year kicked my ass buttttt requests are open & i'll be knocking through them so 😩

anyways love you guys!! hope ur having an amazing day/night <3

[luminous-letters]

Can I request sebek trying to get trained before his first date by the first years because lord knows how he got the reader to agree but the first years know if he only talks about malleus he's done. They got a spray bottle and everything

sebek deserves all the malleus plushies in the world 😔

"Subject name: Sebek Zigvolt. The Un-crocofication Program will begin shortly," Ortho's robotic voice came from the speaker.

Sebek's vision was dark, his captors must've blindfolded him. He couldn't move his hands, try as he might they were tied to the chair he was sitting on. His feet weren't spared either.

"Do you know why you're here?" an obnoxious voice ask, smug. Sebek recognized that it was Ace.

"You're here because we're here to help you with your date. God knows how you made them agree in the first place, but we're going to make sure you'll do great!"

How? By training him like some sort of lap dog?

"You scum! Lord Malleus shall hear about this extensive—"

"Violation detected, initiating protocol one."

Sebek didn't have time to react before he was blasted with water, cold water if he may add.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Deuce, the blindfolds," Ace commanded.

"Stop talking like you're so mighty, man," Deuce sighed, following his dorm mate anyway.

"I'm here to keep an eye on you four," Jack was leaning on the wall, arms crossed.

"Jack! Get me out of here!"

"Just follow what they say, dude, it's gonna be fine."

"THEY BLASTED ME WITH WATER WHAT'S FINE WITH THAT???" he was once again silenced with water, but this time it was a spray from Epel.

"Sorry Sebek, it's part of the program."

"Sequence one 'Small Talk', beginning in three...two...one..."

A hologram of your image flashed against the room's wall. "How are things?"

"Your goal here is to make small talk with MC. But you have to do it without mentioning even the slightest bit about Malleus Draconia."

"Its LORD MALLEU—" a spray again, this time from Deuce.

This might take a while, he mentally sighed, preparing himself to respectfully evade all topics relating to the Great Lord Malleus Draconia, Crowned Prince of—

Sprayed again.

"I WASN'T EVEN SAYING ANYTHING."

"You were thinking about it." Ortho replied.

"Fine, fine, I'll do it," Sebek gave in, just to stop the constant assault of water on him. It was cold and he hated it.

Thirty minutes, three refills of water, and a shivering Sebek later...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WAS HOW YOU'D SPEND YOUR AFTERNOON," Riddle yelled at the three collared freshmen.

Luckily, Jack was spared since he ran off after the first sequence to inform Riddle about Ace and Deuce's latest shenanigans.

Ortho, on the other hand, was busy getting scolded by Idia back at Ignihyde.

"I WILL NOT REMOVE THOSE COLLARS FOR A WEEK. You are all on rose duty and you are required to give me a ten-thousand word, handwritten essay by tommorow!" Riddle aimed his scepter at the beheaded freshmen.

Meanwhile, you and Sebek were having the time of your lives back at the cozy comfort of his room.

"And so, the very first Draconia erected the kingdom's castle with but a few runes! Amazing, right?" Sebek happily read to you one of his favorite books on Briar Valley's history.

"She did it all with just that? She must be so cool!" you were listening to all of Sebek's rambles like an excited child, happy to hear all about Sebek's heritage and history.

"She is! And she was also a master at potionology. All of the herbs and weeds one would consider to be 'useless' saved their kin from countless plagues," it took Sebek his all not to jump on his bed out of joy.

There he was, sharing everything he loved the special someone he holds close to his heart. Nothing could ever compete with the tenderness and comfort he felt in this moment.

[feisaru]

Cant stop thinking about your older feisaru art. I was wondering if you have a hc of what they're upto at that age. Like hobbies, career, or the people they (still) hang out with?

ALRIGHT LET ME JUST SAY- talking about them on main like this is a little hard 4 me. The whole "if it mattered less, maybe I could talk more about it" bit. I'm still gonna try to not make it super vague? While also not being as overly elaborate as I sometimes get in private chats

Fei still loves soccer a lot. Overall he enjoys powering himself out physically when he gets the chance to. Wheter that can be considered a hobby, I dunno, but he enjoys painting nails a lot, especially if he gets to use a lot of colors and to draw silly little animals on them. He also likes cooking. He taught himself how to very early after CS-finish.

Whereas Saru really enjoys reading. He's been doing that even back when he was Feida's emperor, to escape reality a bit. Every so often, Fei comes up to him and asks what he's reading. If Saru wants to infodump about it, Fei gladly lets him. Honestly, it's not a seldom occurence that they just read together. It often starts with Fei asking Saru to read out loud for him because he really enjoys his voice, while he cuddles into Saru a bit. Then after a while Saru passes him the book. Sometimes they also read their own individual novels while just sitting together. Saru also still does soccer sometimes, but for him it's more like a bonding activity with Fei? He does it mainly because Fei likes it so much and he likes when Fei is happy. He'd still enjoy leading a soccer team but other than that, the physical aftermath of the vaccine was pretty hard on him, leading to him not being able to exhaust himself too much physically (he'd still throw hands if necessary tho). Well, he was never too much into sports anyway. Despite that he still loves climbing on trees. And once again I don't know if that counts as a full on hobby but at some point, because he has so much time on hand, he started attempting to scribble Fei in notebooks. I don't think he'd tell Fei though, he finds it embarrassing.

So now to the more complicated bits! Most of these are still Thoughts In Progress™️

I try not to think too hard about the whole job thing because- I'm still not that experienced with jobs and because I can't see either of them working traditionally. Saru still hasn't forgotten about what El Dorado and the system has done to them. He wouldn't want to work in it. He doesn't want to work in a system created and controlled by people who have damaged him beyond repair. He doesn't want to pretend all's well, he doesn't just want to act like nothing ever happened. And Fei? In theory, he's the one more likely to do it, just because his morality doesn't get in the way, but I can't really imagine him feeling good about working at all. It would really drain him. So the possibility I'm tending to most right now is that they're getting the 200 years into the future equivalent of Hartz IV (as much as Saru hates existing in the state they unfortunately can't just cease doing that and so taking the state's money is still the better option) (I barely know anything about what this whole thing is like so take this with a grain of salt) and that Asurei sometimes helps them out financially because he has more than enough money for himself. They don't have a lot but it suffices to live pretty okay as long as they keep in mind they have a limited amount of money at their disposal. But like I said, my thoughts might change in the future, when I know more myself. I once have entertained the thought of making Fei a mental health professional but that's in the scraps right now because. I know someone pretty similar to him who worked as that and I sure as hell do know it would exhaust him in the long run. He wouldn't be able to handle so many people professionally at once without starting to feel worse himself. He likes psychology but the reason he likes it is that he likes helping Saru. Using psychology on people whom he meets in an office on a professional basis just ain't it

Concerning hanging out, I and a friend have an AU (Trio AU) where Fei reaches out to Zanark so the 3 of them can play soccer together when they're 17-18-ish and he third-wheels for them. Later on he gets a gf, my friend's OC. The AU is more for giggles and laughs than anything and Zanark and Saru go on each other's nerves impossibly. A lot of the time it's "calm down, breathe in, breathe out, you're better than this, there's no reason to get seriously mad at this motherfucker, and most importantly you're doing this for Fei" for Saru. They still see Meia and Giris sometimes, albeit they live a little farther away. And they probably encounter Protocol Omega members sometimes, because they live in the same city as them (thinking about them encountering Alpha and Gamma on a date someday is fun... @amalg4me)

Either way I have some drawings where they're supposed to be young adults (Trio AU, including the banana sweater, all the CS x SPOP drawings... maybe even more. Most of the fluffier drawings are set at least 2 years after Chrono Stone) but I've only recently started figuring out how to get better at varying ages and I'm still working on it

Uh btw... if you wanna see some old man cuddles... I can gladly send you some in the dms. I've been drawing them as adults a lot lately, but I don't feel like posting those drawings on main

[dumbasswhatever]

Yoooooo I got a book that made me experience mental illness in a positive way, It's Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint. It's a korean webnovel. It's about Kim Dokja, who's an average office worker, who just finished reading a webnovel, Three Ways of Survival, and the sole reader to read it until the end. Then, everything that the novel was about actually happened, so now he is thrusted into this apocalyptic world and have to survive in it.

This novel makes me crazy bc it discuss the way some people who read to survive, to live another day. Is it voyeuristic to see the characters suffering in order to live? If the characters were right in front of you and know that you read their stories, will they hate you? Resent you? For only watching and never helping? Are you, the reader, absolved of your sins, to know that these tragedies are made for your consumption?

Usually novels that goes this route will slander the readers sayin that you are bad, but NO this novel said the characters will love you, for reading their stories, for being there in suffering and in happiness. The stories will love you so, so much it will try to save you, even if it means that the characters have to go through it, the damned timeloop, again and again, to see a happy ending with you. You are doomed by narrative but they will try again and again to save you, until the very end.

It's a love letters from authors to readers who read to survive, and it resonates with lots of people who read it. And it fucks so harddddd it uses all the so called cringe cliches and tropes and embrace it and it goes HARD. It's not a novel based on logic, it uses storytelling components like themes, tropes, cliches and such as world building materials and it flows smoothly.

Also Kim Dokja made me so ill, this bastard is so depressed, full of self-denial and suicidal. He adopts kid and became an absent father. Everytime he made a plan, it will include a) if don't work kill myself or b) if killing self don't work, escalate situation so it fucks everyone in vicinity, he keeps saying "oh i do this selfishly. Im gonna reach an ending where everyone i love live happily and i am doing this for myself and myself only". He thinks he is unlovable. His self-denial is so strong it's literally parts of his skills. His companions are going crazy cause this man CANNOT stop throwing himself headfirst into danger. Have I mentioned the queerest polycule ever between the book's protagonist, kim dokja, and a hack author? They all said that the really can't stand each other BUT THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH IT BECAME A DAMN UROBOROS OF A TIMELOOP, SAVING EACH OTHER AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Okay anyway I'm normal again. Read ORV if you want. But be warned cause many people aren't normal after reading it. Engard

alright alright sorry for the ever so late answer, i would have answered your ask right away but see i was... indecisive. i began reading orv about a year ago but i got about 70 chapters in and then got distracted. (NOTHING against orv here. i can get distracted and abandon literally any story ever. i still haven't finished watching the ace attorney anime.) and so i know already that i like orv and i think it is so very fun, and i have been thinking recently about getting into it again and maybe actually finishing it this time, but i wasn't totally sure if i should start now since i'm gonna be getting some books in at the library... but anyways i gave in and i am having a BLAST. love this little freak kim dokja. right now, dozens of people are trying to assassinate him and he's like "well don't worry about that we don't have to fight them. the monsters are about to appear." i have orv downloaded on both my phone and my laptop so i can read it while i brush my teeth and also while i eat cereal in the morning. who even needs youtube. i am going to be so annoying to my sister about this

[silver-atom]

I swear i am not being critical or contradictory. I've just been brainwashed by people who stand to gain the most from my ignorance. But can you explain anarchy to a person that's been told it would cause more crime. Or cite some sources I can research, cause I'm certain

Got this question a long time ago but I'm still gonna answer because I have so much to say about it. Keep in mind English isn't my first language.

Well, I'm not a politics or economics expert at all, I'm just a guy who's really into observing the world around me and thinking too much about it. Some of my ideas came from reading philosophy books, my favorite ones being Plato and Nietzsche. One book that I liked and you might wanna read is "Anarchist Communism - Its Basis and Principles" by Kropotkin. Still my main source for what I'm about to say is my own brain.

Also, anarchy isn't a single mindset all anarchists agree on. Every anarchist has their own version in their mind, the point in common being lack of a government. So I can explain my own version of anarchy based on my personal set of thoughts.

First of all, anarchy can't cause more crime. Because crime just... wouldn't exist, since there wouldn't be a law. Crime is a construct, which can be easily proven by the fact that each country considers different things as crimes. If crimes were actually absolute, then folding in half your leader's picture would always get you the death sentence, no matter where you are. Still you can't say it's not a crime, because it's indeed a crime in North Korea.

So, crimes wouldn't exist. But if we called them crimes anyway, then obviously crimes would happen. Still, is crime really that bad? And there's no absolute answer to this, it all depends on your own priorities, what you think is most important for us as a society.

Some people think the most important thing is unconditional progress. Then capitalism and even dictatorship are actually very efficient! Until this progress gets so fast that humans can't catch up, economic growth matters more than the planet we live in, technology fills too much of our lives. We feel part of something greater but we're actually controlled by that something. And I'm sure everyone who puts progress first, who is obsessed with efficiency, deep down knows something is wrong.

For me personally, anarchy can be defined as putting our humanity before everything else. And humanity is also freedom, which does include freedom to not work, to feel feelings, to take it slow, to do drugs, to steal, to kill... You're free to do anything considered crimes! That's really bad, right?

Well, not really. Here's a few reasons.

1. We're already free to do crimes! It might sound crazy but think about it: would crimes happen if we weren't free to do them? But they happen all the time. The difference is that right now we have to either be careful with the evidence we leave behind, accept the consequence of our action and go to jail, or be rich and not worry about any of this.

2. Most crimes don't make sense if there's no government and no private property. How do you steal something if everything is yours but also everyone else's? The idea is wild to think about, I know, property is very important to us in this society. But it can and will change, just like we figured out that slaves aren't a property, wives aren't a property, our planet isn't a property, or knowledge isn't a property.

3. What about murder? What about crazy people who do huge, crazy things? These would still exist, obviously. But it doesn't justify the police's existence. Because in an anarchist society, justice is also held by the people. There's no police letting murderers go because they're rich, there are actual people with actual need for justice, which isn't less scary. Also crazy people do crazy things mostly because society doesn't help them. This is my own belief but in an anarchist society, where we're allowed to be human and we help each other, we'd all have less mental issues and more reciprocal care.

This is a lot for sure, so take your time and just live your life, but start being careful of the things that keep happening around you. You might find that justice isn't as absolute as you thought :)

[foodiemeja]

Pairing: F!reader x Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Arguing, intrusive thoughts, angst, fat shaming, stress, anxiety attack mention, crying(kinda), cussing, fluff at the end I promise :)

Summary: You a Bucky always fool around a little to much when y'all have petty arguments, but you are just extra sensitive today.

[A/N]- GUYS I PROMISE I AM WORKING ON PART 2 THESE ARE JUST DRAFTS IM POSTING!! But I'm working my best on it I promise!

You walk into the kitchen, biker shorts and a slipknot shirt on, trying to fully wake up. You had cute little carrot fuzzy socks on over top of your white plain ones. You had pulled out a bowl and the cereal, pouring it into your bowl. You brought out the milk then later poured that into the bowl as well. You got your spoon out of the drawer and then heard footsteps behind you and slight groans turning into grunts of disapproval. "Why are you eating my cereal?" Bucky asked. You knew he was gonna start a argument, or even something drastic to get at you.

"I just wanna have a peaceful day, just leave me alone please" You raised your voice slightly, still groggy from waking up. Bucky took your bowl with a snatch while making eye contact with you. You felt like a nerd trying to grab a book from a jock. You were much shorter than him. He did this on purpose to make you feel small an useless. "Give my bowl of cereal back you stupid bitch!" You screamed as you saw Sam come in the kitchen. "Sam please get me my bowl of cereal, please" you begged. Sam looked at you and then went and sat on the couch. "He doesn't help fags like you" he said with a huge smirk on his face. You felt like crying. "Fuck you! You bitch ass ape!"

"You are so pleasant!" He said laughing. "It's not my fault I'm trying to help you from getting even more fatter than you already are y/n". You stoped trying to get the bowl. Your appetite was gone once he took the bowl anyways. But that hurt. You put away the cereal and milk. You walked away and back to your room. Usually you stayed and argued. But you were sensitive today. You felt like crying at the slightest things. It wasn't your period on the way, since you had it a week ago. Going into your bathroom and weighing yourself. "Maybe..maybe Bucky's right". 135 pounds. You read that as 351. Trying to keep yourself from tearing up you get off the scale and go to your bed.

It was around lunch time and Steve had gotten lunch for everyone. Everyone came to the kitchen to eat, except you. You were watching TV in your room sulking because of how heavy you thought you were. You had been overworking yourself to do more than you can physically and mentally handle in the gym. So it bothered you alot when some one said something rude about your size or weight. You saw yourself as humongous, and other people saw you as cute and petite. Bucky would never blatantly say this but, he saw you as the most gorgeous woman he has ever layed eyes on. Such a cute curvy body, pretty plump lips, beautiful hair color, and those eyes, oh those eyes got him every time. He doesn't even know why he treats you so badly, when he's so madly in love with you. You are the star of the team. Always happy and so encouraging to do better.

Which is why him not seeing you sitting across from him had him worried. After around 10 minutes Natasha asked where you had been. Sam said you had been in your room since this morning and no one had seen you since. This made Bucky worry even more. What if something happened to you after you left the kitchen. What if you had a panick attack like you did once Infront of him. What if what he said fucked your mental state up. All of Bucky's thoughts stopped when Wanda got up and put your food in the fridge and labeled your name on top. "She'll come get some when she's ready" Wanda said with a nice inviting smile. That made Bucky feel a bit at ease with all his thoughts.

Now it was dinner time. Tony had gotten Chinese takeout since no one felt like cooking. Once the food was here a maid had took it up to the dinning room where everyone sat waiting on the bags of food. Bucky hoped you'd be sitting in your seat across from him before he had gotten there. But he was mistakingly wrong. You weren't here for another meal. Was it because of what he said. He had gotten up and grabbed his and your dinner. "I'm gonna go take it up to her. Maybe she's just not feeling well" the rest of the team agreed while Sam had a shit eating grin on his face.

He had knock on your door to find it kind of cracked. He walked and place the food on the table you had. He saw you snuggling into some stuffy's while you slept. Bucky was gonna wake you up untill he saw your journal wide open.

May 15th

He commented on my weight again. I wish all this fat could be cut off. I wish he liked the way I looked. Maybe I'm trying to hard to be liked by him, he's always like blondes, maybe I should go blonde. Bucky is always so hateful to me. Does he want me off the team? Or does he just want me to die?. I wish I could be loved by him.

This broke his heart. He didn't know how to feel. Did he really make you want to change your body for him. He loved your hips, your beautiful torso, and your cute little arms, and little hands. He loved everything about you. He couldn't believe that he made you feel so disgusted about your self. He began to tear up, untill he felt you move a bit. Bucky nudged your shoulder and placed a soft kiss to your cheek. "You are so beautiful sweetheart. Please don't change" he said, his voice low and soft. You woke up startled and a bit scared. You sat up and caught your breath. "Bucky, w-what are you doing?" You asked half asleep still. "Why were you skipping out on meals?" He barked right back. "Because... I wanna lose weight ...I'm too big" this made his lose a bit of breath and sanity. "To big? Sugar you are so perfect it makes me fucking jealous! There's no way your too damn big!". He picked you up and placed you into his lap like your were as light as air. "I know I can go over and yonder but, I love you so much, and not just for your body, I mean for you, sweetness".

You didn't even try and argue you just snuggled up into his neck and smiled. "So you gonna eat your food for me, or and I gonna have to shove it down your throat?" Bucky asked giving you a grin before you answered. "Well that depends on what your shoving down my throat" you smirked and he chuckled." You are dirty, I love you". "I guess I love you too Bucky" you said rolling your eyes while stating a kiss on his lips.

"But I'm serious y/n, don't change, never!" Bucky said looking into your eyes and waiting for your response. "I don't plan on changing anymore..." You looked back up into his eyes and gave a faint smile. He grabbed you by your cheek and kissed you so passionately it made you want to get as close to him as possible. Bucky pulled away and had a genuine smile on his face. "Could you forgive me?" His hand sliding back to your sides. "I already have, just please no more shitty moments please." Bucky placed a quick peck on your lips. "No more of those. But how about in exchange for those moments. You can be mine y/n? What do you say?" You had a big smile on your face and started batting your eyes in a funny sarcastic way.

"Jeez can I get a date first Barnes" you both started laughing before going back into a kiss and laying down and eating y'all's Chinese food.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

At times it's so hard to understand and acknowledge that we're being manipulated: we might be never aware of that, or simply find out later on by chance (when it's too late).

So here are some manipulative tactics you may want to keep an eye on when dealing with others whose behaviour seems not entirely right with you. The basic rule they apply is: using deception, lies and guilt as a form to get something from you.

-using a warm façade, confidence and charm, perfect use of words (they know what you want to hear), perfect posture, all just to lure you in and keep you attached to them (ofc not every confident/good with words person is a manipulator, pay attention to what they do and say, and if they may gain something from that). Being so "perfect" you may feel obliged to give them more than you would in order to not lose them.

-using logic and a calm, confident speech to explain you things to stress the fact that they are right: they may twist reality and your words to make you act to their gain (e.g. think about jobplaces, and searching for important collaborators to maybe get a promotion), or gift you something small (or big) to convince you of their good intentions [which bring us to the next point];

-using threats or rewards (e.g. money, gifts) to have others do something for them. Includes verbal abuses as per "If you don't do *this*, you won't see me again/I cannot give you *that*..." and physical abuses too: they cause you harm and then have you act as they want thanks to your fear of them. The general mental situation is: if you don't do/say what they want, even if you don't want to, the consequences will be worse than if you do/say it, so ofc you do it. (BTW especially when it gets physical and dangerous for you, get away asap. And seek for help)

-using silence treatment. Not hearing from someone makes us worried in general, not to mention if we said "no" to something (we may overthink things like "maybe I should have done what they asked me to do even if I didn't want to"), or may have expressed our opinion on something and we're not sure how they think about (they act on our social anxiety, fear of abandonment... c/ptsd). The moment we hear again from them, we're up to please them in anyway. Or we may be even the ones to reach for them, feeling sorry, guilty for having made them angry, and give in.

-using whining and crying to get what they want. Or just play the victim ("My friends do *this* I'm all alone come with me"). They act as children (possibly cause this worked with their caregivers), and you have to give in to make them stop. Some may even diminish their self worth ("I'm not good enough for *this/you*") in front of others as in self deprecating jokes, to have you believe them/forgive them (they act on your kindness and empathy). [ofc here you need to check how many times this happens and what's their gain. Lacking self confidence is a bit different from being manipulative, but you can realize from other situations which is of the two];

-using comparisons with others (often impossible ones) to make you change or do something they want you to do; may even get to personal attacks for example on your body shape. In general they act on guilt, and make you feel wrong. Still they can stay with you if you change into the person they want you to be [which is so wrong... why then do you want to be with me? Go find that person! ugh sorry]. E.g. "This person is better because they say yes to eating this food" "They can do this and we cannot because you don't want to" "I read about this new diet and it seems to work, you should follow that too"...

-using guilt again to have you follow their plans but never follow you on yours: they can never cancel their own, but you have to renounce to yours. They may say things like "You promised/I cannot cancel now" "We may lose booking's money" "I cannot waste my money like that I wanted to do something for/with you and you say no" or "Come on we're gonna have fun!" "Moving is good for your body"... Even if you don't really feel like doing anything for whatever reason (you're tired, you're stressed, you changed your mind, you have work to do and they didn't ask you, you don't feel well...). It's hard to say no, they're literally attacking you.

Ofc these tactics may even mix up together. Just keep an eye out or ask for opinions to someone you trust. If someone's behaviour doesn't feel right and they treat you in a way that doesn't respect your boundaries or yourself in general, please pay attention.

[v-67]

I don't know what is it about Bl manga/comics/anime

But i swear as soon as I finish reading/watching them, I am filled with such an awe for everything

Everything seems possible

And i have so much, so much love within me, so much warmth and so much happiness

I feel like I can do anything, all those things that overwhelm me, or i brush away

I feel like I can do them all

I love how the characters make me feel, the way they care about each other, the embrace, the warm emotions and love which isn't superficial

It is so pure and so beautiful, it just fills me up with awe

And i want to find someone, someone who I can share the same kind of love with, make a story within and ruin them with so much love and happiness, ruin in a better way not the red flag way, I want to hold them and keep holding them

But it gets a little sad after I watch such shows and come back to reality in 2-4 days

Which is disappointing because I need to push myself more, and I'm sure if i do and put in the effort which is required in the very beginning, the things I want will make their way to me

The only things difficult are the beginnings because the outcomes are so uncertain and you don't know if something's worth your effort

But I will get over that thought process, and i will begin.

I am always too scared, especially of falling in love. I know it may sound silly but I'm scared that if i break, i may never be able to pick myself up and i will remain there, shattered.

But I need to learn, by learning to love someone i will also learn things about myself and heartbreak isn't always bad, I mean ofcourse it is, it's terrible, it hurts so much. I feel so much heartbreak over fictional characters and friendships, I can only fear about love when I compare them.

But coming back to the point, Heartbreak isn't always bad because it's necessary, to feel broken once and even though, however difficult, to pick up your own self is an important lesson.

Plus heartbreak is just proof that you cared, and isn't caring for someone the most human thing we do?

I kept rambling from wherever i started

But yes, The characters from any Bl script are so beautiful, so warm. They bring the words alive. They break boundaries of roles of genders, there are no stereotypes and there is such a depth, such careful depth and creativity with each character. The exploring of oneself, to know what you want and to acknowledge your fears and parts. Small excerpts of yourself being showcased by someone who looks at you like their favourite book, picking out lines and re-reading them, embracing them. Bookmarking each and every page because they want to revisit all of you. The eyes, the fingers, the hands, all whispering love, just for you.

Anyways coming back because I seem to sway away with my words, the exploring of themes is just so beautiful. Especially regarding mental health, the gentle ways of talking about it and not taking it lightly, that is my most favourite part.

I am a straight person regarding my sexual orientation, so manifesting the kind of guy who is warm, loving, caring, helpful and not stereotypical. I hope everyone reading this finds the type of person they deserve to be with. And everyone deserves warmth and love. So yes.

Manifesting the kind of love we all dream and get excited about. And here's to hoping the same for my fictional characters too.

Just a side note but fr i was sad about John wick's death, not in a why kinda way but more like grieving and analysing kinda way and I'm happy he's at peace but also I'm sad. And i cannot watch endgame ever again because I miss Tony a lot. I also miss Rengoku so much, i swear I cried so hard about him. I miss so many characters. Theo. Rufus and Mateo.

Okay I'm gonna go now

This feels like a diary entry

Anyways good day to everyone and manifesting good energy and happiness for all😚

[bee-dot-exe]

Hello hello hello! I'm so sorry I've kinda been sometimes neglecting writing this month. It's been absolutely insane like mentally and I haven't had the motivation for anything.

But I'm here now, and here's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do a multi prompt fic that includes some of prison, death, Ghostboo, and limbo all in this one. Then I don't know how exactly I'll write for revival seeing as it hasn't happened and I don't wanna make assumptions I guess, but I might post a little something on Halloween.

Thank you so much for reading anything I've done, for understanding why there are gaps and coming back anyway, and for making this list and letting me be part of it, this is absolutely not the last thing I'll write and I'd love for anyone to send requests or make comments, because I really do love doing this. @especdreamy

Ranboo Catch Up

743 words

Mentions of panic, mentions of death/description of dying, hinted at mentions of auditory hallucinations

I'm okay.

Everything's okay.

I'm not there.

The blocks are the same but the room is different.

I can't hear him.

I can't hear anything.

I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped.

The wall broke. There was a flash of a pickaxe. It's owner was in front of my vision if only for a moment. I had too many questions but I didn't know if I wanted an answer to any of them. So I just followed like a sheep.

And then we were swimming in a sea of orange and yellow. I could hear the alarm slowly fade. And I could hear him. But it wasn't in my head. Nothing was.

Too many people. Too many voices. Too many weapons.

"Come here, Ranboo, come look at this before you go."

Sam.

Michael.

"Why do you have this?"

"Why do you think I have it? Come and stand on stage, Ranboo, come over here. Why don't you give me your armor?"

This isn't real. It can't be. It shouldn't be.

And yet.

The protective layers of purple came off bit by bit.

"What are you doing? Keep that on! Why are you doing this?"

"He has Michael."

"Dream, come back here, come back or he dies."

"I don't care if he dies!"

"Sam, you have the wrong hostage, no!"

There was a face with black eyes surrounded by green and gold, a moment of pain under my eyes from tears adding to the collection of scars, a moment of pain in my chest, a moment of blood rushing through my ears, then nothing.

After regaining all my senses and control of my body, I found myself surrounded by a sea of grey and blue, seemingly endless.

Above me was a similarly colored sky, an array of bright freckles painting its dull canvas.

There was something under my feet, something solid, a block of dirt and grass, only enough room to stand in place on.

There was no use in asking questions. No use in looking for answers. No use is yelling for help.

But there was an unfamiliar weight in my pocket. A book and quill. Maybe there was a use.

Nothing was different. Not really. Maybe my skin looked a little different. Maybe there was a duel colored gash taking space of about half my chest. Maybe everything felt almost lighter. But nothing was different. Not really.

Except maybe this. A journal. "Do Not Read."

I opened the first page, something was calling me, a sort of connection drawing me to write.

"Hello."

"Hello? Who are you?"

"The part of you that's missing."

"Where am I? Where is everyone?"

"You are dead."

"Oh... who are you?"

"Like I said, the part of you that's missing, that's currently experiencing everything afterwords."

"Where am I?"

"You are where your soul was before and where it will be for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't worry however, as I know that people here get revived easily. However, you will feel the emotional pain of every experience that I have."

Tubbo.

Tommy.

Michael.

"Is that what those words are?Everything people are saying?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Are they okay?"

Aimee.

Techno.

Eret.

"Yes. They're safe. In their own ways."

"Good. So I shouldn't be here for long?"

"Everyone cares about you. So you won't be. I'll try to numb the pain as much as I can."

"Thank you."

Wilbur.

Niki.

Fundy.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"It hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry for how I acted in the beginning. I wasn't aware how much it affected you."

"What exactly are you?"

"I'm you. Just. Without a heart metaphorically speaking. However, I/you have such a moral based mindset that I'm still trying to understand right and wrong. In a sense, I'm still you, you're still me, we're still each other."

"This is confusing."

"I know. Don't worry. It won't be for much longer."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Jack.

Sam.

Sapnap.

"Hello?"

"Hello. I'm not sure what's happening. I thought that we would've been back by now."

"Is he trying?"

"No. I haven't heard from him in weeks. I'm in the mansion now. I only really leave to look after Michael. I'm sorry. I know this must be painful."

"It is."

"I'll find something that can help you soon. I'm trying."

Karl.

Connor.

Dream.

"Why did you lie?"

"I didn't want to. I thought it would protect you."

I look pale. I look sick. I look like I died.

But I'm okay.

Everything's okay.

[faofinn]

27. Sleepless Night(s)

The nights in hospital were the worst. The days were bad, sure, but there were more staff and you could look out of the window at whatever was going on outside. If you were lucky, you’d get visitors too. Steve, or Sheila and the others. Nights were no such luxury, obviously. Less staff, no view out of the window, no visitors. 

Fao rarely slept properly. Either the pain kept him up (and asking for painkillers was a nightmare with less nurses) or his nightmares did. There was a reason he’d ended up in the quiet little bay with Harrison, and he knew full well it wasn’t just because they knew each other. Neither of them slept, and the nightmares that woke them both screaming meant it didn’t really matter, they were both used to it. Add to that when they did finally drift off, they’d be disturbed for overnight obs. 

Uncomfortable, Fao shifted his weight in bed with a huff. No position was comfortable, and the room was too warm. He’d tried reading for a while, but one of the HCAs had told him off for having the light on so late at night, and to be honest he’d not been paying much attention to the book anyway. 

Despite Harrison's best attempts, he too was still awake. He'd had a nap of sorts during the day, which just made it so much worse overnight. It was harder on his mental health too, more difficult to keep positive and not spiral. 

He'd almost drifted when Fao was reading, the soft light comforting him slightly, reminding him he wasn't alone. Of course, that didn't last, and then when Fao huffed, he pushed himself up slightly. 

"Wolfie?"

Fao wasn’t surprised Hars was awake. “Yeah, Tomcat?”

"Can't sleep either?"

“Nope. Can’t get comfortable.”

"It's bullshit."

“You’re telling me.” He grumbled. “Pain, too.”

"It's killing me. I don't understand why they didn't let you read."

“Because I’m ‘supposed to be sleeping’.”

"If they were going to be so anal about it, then they should knock us out."

“Can’t do that, then we’d be drug addicts.”

Harrison snorted. "Exactly."

“Couldn’t have that. Our lives would be ruined.” Fao said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Harrison managed to laugh. Fao always made things better, and he was grateful they'd ended up in the same bay - he hated Fao had been hurt, but he couldn't have put up with anyone else. 

"Oh, fuck it." He grumbled, sitting up and struggling with the side of the bed. They always put the sides up like he was a child, and he hated it.

“What are we fucking? If you’re going to fuck something can I leave?”

"Come off it, you'd love the show." He teased, finally managing to drop it. It was a struggle, but he managed to get to the edge of the bed, groaning with the effort.

“Ew, no thanks. Sounds like you’re fucking that bed, Jesus.” 

"Piss off!"

“Can’t, they won’t let me leave.”

"I'm going to personally ask them to kick you out." He teased, finally managing to grab his crutches - they deliberately kept them away from him, knowing he had a habit of doing stupid things. 

“Good luck, I’ve been personally asking forever.” He muttered. “What are you up to?”

"Probably killing myself." He huffed, slowly getting upright. He swayed dangerously, falling back to the bed before trying again.

“Apparently that’s frowned upon.” Fao said. “Be careful, I’m not telling Steve you did something stupid and got yourself more injured.”

"I'm not gonna injure myself."

“Sure.”

"Shove over, will you? Need some room for when I get over there."

Fao shuffled over the best he could, groaning as it flared the pain. “Might not have room for your fat ass.” He said, moving his little eeyore out of the way. 

Harrison sobered up slightly. "I've lost so much weight being in here. Even Steve has been having a go at me."

Fao couldn’t help himself, though he knew he was pushing it a little bit. “Mate you lost a leg, no wonder you lost weight. Come here, I’m taking the piss. You’ll fit.”

"Piss off!" He snickered, trying to stay quiet. "You know what I mean."

Fao grinned, though Hars couldn’t see it properly. “I’m the same. It sucks.”

He finally managed it over, gripping tightly onto the side of Fao's bed. His legs shook with the effort, but he'd made it and that was all that mattered.

“Hey.” Fao greeted softly. “Be careful.”

His crutches were forgotten, dropped against the wall as he clambered into the bed. He was careful around Fao, making sure he didn't hurt him. He was more than a little cautious about his leg, keeping it well away from Fao. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it, but Harrison still hadn't come to terms with it or gotten anywhere close to it.

Delicately, Fao put his arm around him, careful not to hurt him. “That’s better. How long do you think we’ve got before obs?” 

Fao was warm, and the bit of comfort Harrison needed. "Mm. Not long enough?"

“Maybe they’ll forget?”

"Maybe they'll leave us alone again. That agency nurse was nice enough that time."

“I think they’re short tonight.” He mused. “But the nurse in charge is the shit one. No agency, either. They get paid enough not to care.”

"I'm not going to move."

“Me neither.”

"Chain myself to the bed."

“Sexy.”

"I'm sure you'd love that."

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

"No, I want to sleep."

Fao laughed. “Yeah, me too.”

Harrison was quiet for a long while. "I'm glad you're still here."

“What, that they’ve not discharged me yet?”

He swallowed thickly. "Yeah, that."

“It’s thanks to you.” Fao murmured. “That I’m here at all.”

"Yeah."

“I hate you got hurt too, but I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Harrison nodded. "Yeah."

“Got someone to keep me company.”

"You'd probably prefer the peace and quiet."

“With Sheila and Finn around? Doubt it.”

"They’d give you some space."

“Are we talking about the same family?”

"They'd listen eventually."

“I suppose that’s true.”

"Or just barricade the door."

“Wouldn’t get any pain meds if I did that.”

"Steal them all first."

“Oh, that’ll end well.”

"We'd finally fucking get some."

“Do you want me to get sectioned?”

"I'd go down with you."

“So we’d be two idiots.”

"What are we now then?" He teased. 

“Not quite idiots.”

"Right, sure."

“Well, speak for yourself.”

"Piss off."

“Can’t, you’ve got me pinned.”

"My plan all along."

“Sneaky.”

"It feels so much better being able to have you." He said quietly, changing the subject. "I don't think I would have made it this far without you."

Fao’s throat tightened. “Don’t be daft.”

"I'm not."

“It’s nice to have someone who gets it, who gets what I’m through. I know it’s not the same, but…”

"But we've got each other."

“Yeah.”

"And neither of us are going anywhere." He said pointedly. 

“Stuck with each other.”

"Good."

He sighed. “It’s hard.”

"We can get through it."

“Only way from rock bottom is up, right?”

"Or into the centre of the earth."

“That’s the spirit.”

"Of course."

Of course, they did eventually get caught, and Harrison ushered back to his own bed. The nurse that caught them didn’t seem to be upset, though, mostly just amused. It wasn’t so much of a hardship to lose Harrison next to him when Fao didn’t get shouted at. He managed to get a couple of hours sleep after that, relatively undisturbed by nightmares, and that was good enough for him.

[friesian]

U seem stuck awake like me, so I'm here to plague you with quastions about Marwyd! What's his birthday if he has one? Does he celebrate it? How did he go from being an outlaw to being commander? How'd he first react to Aurene latching onto him as a parental figure? Did he and canach meet the canonical way or earlier? And how long did it take for him to get a crush on the fellow grumpy cactus?

oh i am VERY MUCH stuck awake so THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS!! it certainly helps with the pain.

his birthday is (in game and canonically) april fucking 1st. which is great. i didnt even intend for this to happen. i thought i made him in the ass end of march but i was VERY DELIGHTED when i found out months later that wasn't the case!! as for celebrating his birthday, i think he doesn't really?? i think he tries to keep it on the down low but probably like taimi or canach make a HUGE FUCKING DEAL about a birthday party for him and then the cat is out of the bag. so he'll attend if it means thar his friends will be happy, however if he had it his way he'd probably just light up a cigar that day and call it quits.

for being an outlaw to commander that one is kinda funny. essentially he got in a scrap with this norn named niddhiem who was like a wandering bounty hunter/trader/guy who helps out where he can. they like totally wreck each other and come to a truce that obviously, they're not gonna be able to kill one another and he says if marwyd will stop doing all his robbing that he can use his ability to get on a ship to take him to kryta and start over. but no more outlaw-ing. he agrees and they quickly become friends. he was marwyds first true friend, and got him in with some of the priory. thats how he ends up being really good with machines!!! he literally just read all the books on deadly engineering all the time. and also unionizing. he did unionizing laws and machining. and well that got him noticed!! especially since he wasnt from the pale tree so everything sort of snowballed from there, niddhiem at his side.

SO. when aurene hatched he was in a lot of pain. losing trahearne and all. he also loses niddhiem, technically, but thats a complicated story for another time. either way he was really not in a good place mentally at all. he was mad at the world. VERY mad. but aurene was so innocent, and gave him unconditional love that he never knew that he wanted. let alone needed. that was something that tore down a wall in his heart. i'll say this, that i think if not for aurene that he wouldn't be himself, let alone around as long as he is now.

NOW FOR CANACH. they absolutely meet technically the canonical way. in my minds eye i know he saw those wanted posters. in his mind he thought "oh he's cute... damn," and would marvel at it. he would also think the same thing of him in person. the crush was pretty instant. marwyd LOVES short sylvari men. or just short men. but if you're a short guy who is a sylvari its like an ant to honey. anyways, he gets to see him in person and then a fucking shrapnel mine goes right up his ass. and in that split moment it went from "oh hes cute he can't be that bad" to "you know what??? FUCK this guy. i HATE this guy." not to mention the countless banter in LWS2.

btw. marwyd HATES anise. says her name like how taimi says "AHN-KA" but its growly, low, and huffy (i like to think she got the ahnka thing from marwyd saying AH-NISE). he heard those conversations and this bitch is JEALOUS from knowing NO CONTEXT. we LOVE a petty king!

[justalittlerandomartist]

So I saw your matchup thingy for TADC and am kinda curious so here goes I guess? (Romantic or platonic, both would be basically the same to me anyway)

I'm usually pretty quiet and like to keep to myself most of the time, but if someone approaches me I will give them my full attention. I may not have much to say and will probably be very awkward, but if you get me talking about something I'm really interested in I can and will go on for hours.

I really like puns and humor of all kinds, even if I'm not great at it. I often struggle to read situations and usually just try to act like whoever I'm around so as to not make things awkward and to try and get them to like me.

I'd also say I'm pretty kind, and am always open to helping others, even if I'm not the best at it. But it's the thought that counts, right? I don't ever really get mad (and I especially don't ever let out that anger), and don't respond well to others being upset with me (I usually just try to get away to somewhere private to cry for a bit).

I don't have great self-esteem, but I try to stay optimistic and build myself up. I care deeply about others and am very empathetic, sometimes going so far as to feel an emotion for someone even more strongly than they do. I basically love everyone I come across in one way or another, and am quick to defend them if someone's being rude. That said, my bravery quickly falls away the second they come after me instead.

I'm probably not the most mentally stable, but I make do. My main coping mechanisms are avoidance and escapism, and pretending like everything's alright even when it isn't. I'm easily hurt, but also easily forgive, especially with those closest to me.

I have ADHD and suspected autism and really love D&D, MTG, plague doctors, wholesomeness, creepy horror stuff, several TV shows, video games, and book series (Adventure Time, Doctor Who, Murder Drones, TF2, Smash Bros, The Arc of a Scythe trilogy, The Maze Runner books, the Percy Jackson and Trials of Apollo books, etc).

And yeah, I think that's about it? I'm curious who you think I'd fit best with, and honestly all of them are so amazing I'd probably get along well with anyone (except maybe Jax, but he's also really funny so maybe him too???)

U got Ragatha! (I don’t have a picture and I’ve had tears a lot recently so I’m not gonna elaborate)

[articlesofnote]

on (not) building structures of thought

i spend a lot of time reading - books, articles, papers, etc. - watching stuff on youtube, watching movies and tv, reading comments on internet fora, and so on. i do this for at least two reasons: a) it's inherently enjoyable to absorb media, and b) i feel like, in some way, i'm gathering material to write about. now, as you know (since you're reading this on my tumblr, where I post much of what i write... i in fact write very little*. i probably consume multiple hundreds of times more media than i create*. and one of the mental images that i have, which recurs to me at times like this, is that everything i learn is bricks thrown up on a big heaping pile, and every time i throw more bricks up there i say "that's for the building i'm gonna build" and then i don't build the building, i just keep gathering bricks.

taking the metaphor further, i actually have a pretty impressive pile of bricks at this point. but it's, you know, a pile. volume without structure. and the few stabs i've taken at building something with more of a structure feel, to me, like making a smaller, tidier pile that i can sit on, and calling it a "chair", except the "chair" is one of these semi-ranting-essays I post on my tumblr. maybe at some point in school, i got as far as building an outhouse - metaphorically speaking - and that was pretty good. coming back to those * asterisks for a second, though: i actually write all the goddamn time and have done for years, because i do it professionally. i probably put out two thousand words a day on a slow day at work. but it's writing i don't own, helping people with problems that matter much less to me than, say, the way we associate the multiple personae which we all develop for ourselves, with single human bodies, and call those assemblies "people", and if a single body can have multiple personae, can a single personae have multiple people? or how about institutions - what actually is an institution, other than certain beliefs and actions in the minds of people who participate in it? anyway I'm reading this book called "the social construction of reality" and it is fucking dense as hell, but it talks about that kind of shit (how and why people have identities and social roles and the role that "knowledge" plays in holding that all together) and it is providing just all SORTS of wonderful bricks for the thought-brick-pile. might write more about it, at some point.

[sweetnumnums]

9/17/22

[19:24]

There's a bad habit I have that I've just noticed. I tend to not write in this book for a while after feeling good or going out and having a good time, I think. This is a mental note to do my best to write in here every day, so not as bad as I thought I guess. Anyways, yesterday at work I had a pretty regular day. On my 30 min break I started looking for tarot card reader's cause all the generals were hitting on youtube but at the same time it was too vague. So out of no where I call Lady of the Lake and ask if they have readers.

I booked an appointment for 4 pm I wasn't expecting to do this, I just felt like deep down it was time and just my body and mind went with it. When I got there while paying for the reading my eye was drawn to those black rings because I was thinking of getting a black ring. I was led to the side room and met Kristin?, who was very nice and oddly comfortable to be around, like a good friend.

She first started with a prayer, and after that I can't remember exactly how everything went down, but it was a mix of kind of tuning in to my guides I think, and tarot for more clarification. I'd say she's very experienced and I feel like seeing her work is just more of a confirmation of what's going on with me. So the First message was that she was getting an image of a flower spreading and blooming through the mud. I forgot what kind of flower but the imagery is surreal. Or the symbolism I mean.

They say that I've turned the key in the ignition of my heart and started the engines. I'm in the process of opening up. She says my guides are sending energy to my root chakra and that I need to ground more, the more I do metaphysical without grounding the easier it is for me to disconnect from reality and I start to think I'm crazy. The ring at the cash register is Hematite and is supposed to help with grounding so I went back today to buy one, also they were only $2. The next image she got is that I'm to be successful and guides showering me in gold coins and gold light. Next I asked about my twin flame and explained Alice. She said it wasn't the same effect for her, but she knows? To work on trusting myself, loving myself, and becoming more of myself and shine my light and that it would unfold organically, which I believe again.

She said by November 18,19,20 but I don't like relying on specific months or dates. Basically though to keep doing what I'm doing. Not gonna lie, I'm proud of myself after hearing this reading. Also I'm always drawn to the spirit world in every life I live, and that sounds crazy to me I never thought of that. It never crossed my mind if I wasn't drawn to it in other lives. So that's cool.

She said I would learn more solo, start learning and practicing magic. Also starting with candle work. Maybe I'll look that up, and I have a white magic book. I plan on reading after this dream book. Eventually a teacher will find me I think? or I'll do work with a soul family, and also will be learning and working with my twin flame, whaaaa? That's cute as fuck haha. She said I could go professional and make money, but I'm not sure I would want to use these types of gifts for money. I do it for the experience and I want to help people because they need it. Thinking back on it, I can't help but feel like she kept something hidden though. Something very important. Maybe something I'm not meant to know. But very important for sure.

Who knows what it is. All I can do is keep doing me and shine my light and ground and work on my physical body too and I'll get to where I'm meant to be. I'll do what I'm meant to do. And I don't even really have to do anything, that's like the most mind blowing thing I came across today.

[eliesczhae]

From $1 a day to $21 an hour

It seems impossible for this to happen.

But happen, it did. It happened to me.

Actually, it wasn't even a dollar. It was less than that. I was serving food, washing dishes, sweeping the floor, scrubbing toilet bowls, and occasionally getting sexually harassed by drunk customers for twelve fucking hours to get paid a mere $0.75 back when I was 16.

Once I broke a glass, and it cost me two days' wages to pay it off.

How miserable.

But I slaved away because what choice do beggars like me have?

When one asks if I ever had a dream job, I always stutter and fail to answer.

You know why?

Because I do not dream to be a fucking slave, working my ass off for someone else to get fucking rich.

Who does that?

I've had several odd jobs after that. Quit school, went back, and quit school again because there was just not enough money to support my education. And home life isn't great either.

Eventually, days before turning 18, a friend called me up and said, "Yo, you have good comms skills, why not apply where I'm interning at?". She was doing an internship at a local BPO company. A call center, if you may.

I was like, damn, bro. Why not?

A couple of years later, I discovered the world of freelancing and I'm now earning an astronomically higher wage than my younger self ever did.

Thanks to my experience and skills acquired in the BPO industry, the change wasn't very hard.

I'm not saying the journey was easy. I was working for several clients at the same time just to secure that bag because I'd never been presented with these many opportunities before and had never experienced getting paid this much ever in my entire life.

$21 an hour may not be much for some but the conversion to my local currency is eye-bulging.

I was mind-blown.

And then, I almost died.

I was overworked, blood shot up high.

I'm done.

I don't wanna work myself to death. This isn't the life I envisioned for me.

It's been almost 5 years since I started earning this much and I still catch myself sitting in the middle of my room asking myself if any of this is real or if it's just a simulation.

I've given up most of my clients and chosen my health and mental well-being.

I don't want to work myself to death. This isn't the life I envisioned for me. Didn't my younger self hate slaving myself away so much?

I wanna live my life now.

Nowadays, people see my success and say I'm lucky.

Some would say they want to be me.

Oh, honey. I highly doubt it!

As I was saying, the money is there, and I'm grateful for it. I use it to help better my family and friends' lives. Alleviate their sufferings and make them happy. Give to the less fortunate and so on.

We're all gonna die anyway, what use is it to keep it stashed away?

Don't get me wrong, I do have insurance and savings. I'm not financially irresponsible.

Maybe I do splurge quite a bit on games and books and sometimes travel because it heals my inner child.

But nothing has changed.

I still do not have a dream job.

My dream is to quietly create art, make music, read books, enjoy shows, see the world, and help people.

My younger self is proud of the adult me for my achievements.

But the adult me is even more proud of my younger self for not succumbing to the void.

Had it not been for you, I would not be where I am now and enjoying everything that I have, can have, and will have.

Emotional turmoil is labor.

An extremely hard one.

Happy labor day!