#what i dont miss is my extremely disordered eating!

[mercuryislove]

I miss being a gym rat :C

[madeofcigarettes]

I wanna share this cause i dont seem people talking about pretty much fully recovering and then relapsing again

So when i was in full deep into my eating disorder as much of you are which you know what it looks like i was obviously looking back at it really miserable just thinking about food 24/7, having nightmares about food, insomnia, loosing friendships and things like that, that are always the hardest part about having an ed, but then i just started recovering not even because i waned to, but because i just couldn’t keep doing it anymore, which makes me feel kinda invalidated abt my eating disorder, but almost every day of those 6 months where i had this extreme hunger that made me feel like a pig then getting to a point where i could eat anything without looking at the calories, or tracking my daily intake and when i had something that showed the calories in the package just turning it around and avoiding it, not weighting myself, when i was feeling kinda better, there wasnt a day i didn’t miss ana, seeing how much weight i gained (went from 108 to 135 in the span of abt 3 month) i was so miserable too and i hate looking at myself, i hate not being able to wear cute outfits, i hate feeling like i have no purpose, no reason to get out of bed, didnt even wanna go out cause of how much i hate my body, and in those moments is when i missed ana the most. I really feel like i either need to pick being miserable but loving how i look, or being free and hating how i look and thats the hardest part because now i dont feel like i can get myself to loose weight in a healthy way cause i know whats the quicker route and i feel like theres never gonna be any recovering.

Also i just started going to the gym again and i eat what i like and what i crave but i only eat once a day and i dont eat like really big portions, and i feel like this could be a better route for me, im liking it so far but ik its gonna get progressively worse even tho i wanna loose the weight in maybe a healthier way this time, i just know i dont wanna be fat anymore and you guys always give me the motivation that i need but idk well see how it goes.

[toxycodone]

i understand its all joaks and its lighthearted out of love for this character but it is a little sad to see things like laios being a minimum wage worker and having no friends being described as him being a loser when theyre extremely common autistic experiences 💔 because to be honest i think youre really cool and a great writer and i would like to interact more but it makes me go, is that what you would think of me? my life situation’s not too different from that. anyways i hope you have a nice day <3

no not at all I genuinely like being mean to Laios so take everything I say about him with the world's biggest effing grain of salt because I am just. mean to him in particular lol. i like to kick him when he's down. (evil and mean but to blonde men in particular)

but like. i am not cool at all. like...........ill put it under the cut but yeah.

real shit under the cut bc this ask is making me think! im gonna be real w u nonnie

tl:dr if u dont wanna see whats under the cut:

this ask kinda makes me think bc. i think im really mean to laios too bc he reminds me of myself beforehand (zero self confidence and suicidal idealization) sigh and I really hate being reminded of that. so. again. im really biased when it comes to him specifically and that doesn't apply to you or any of my followers.

and for what its worth i am sorry for making you feel that way.

but also. i gotta say I can 100% relate to him and you. this time last year I was working at Starbucks ( i could only tolerate 4 hour shifts bc i would get overstimulated and my coworkers lowkey hated me.) and had like. 1 friend from high school and the years before that I spent turbo online being constantly pushed out of friend groups bc i could NEVER get anything right socially. I swear the first 23 years of my life I never lived. i went thru hs and college as a fucking. like. creature I felt like i couldnt connect w anyone because I was too tormented by adhd + autism and i was INSANELY depressed and coping w lack of control by having an eating disorder and being doped the fuck up on stimulants. (MY PCP gave me 56 mg of concerta and 5mg booster of adderall i was fucking tweaking on the daily </3)

but like. i started going to therapy and a psychiatrist who made me quit cold turkey for my own good and we started treating my depression and debilitating anxiety (i was convinced a stranger was living in my house in secret but also that everyone in public who saw me was revolted by me and genuinely wanted me to kill myself jkdhsfskdjh i told you i was tweaking)

anyways. i was a druggie with no goal in life and living in my own head and now like. i can look at myself in the mirror and not think "hey. this fat ugly piece of shit should genuinely die" and now people in real life LIKE me. I have friends. multiple friend groups, actually. WITH NOT JUST ND PEOPLE. LIKE, A LOT OF THEM ARE NEUROTYPICAL. And i am very open about being autistic with them and i dont have to mask.

and they still like me! and invite me places! and genuinely want to hang out with me! and they think im smart and get uncomfortable when I say im stupid or too autistic to like. be able to be in public.

it still feels like a dream and in my mind im like "they actually are gonna drop you and make fun of you for thinking they were ever your friends" or like "theyre just doing this bc of the stupid buddy system shit or they think you're a pet this is highschool all over again"

but even tho im haunted by this. its....I can say with confidence its not true.

anyways. i know people say this shit all the time but I will say you are very capable of love and not a loser or anything like that. the thing you're missing out on is the right people. i didnt believe this for most of my life and tried to get myself killed because of it but im glad I didn't because it is genuinely true.

i have spent the last <1 year of my life genuinely being alive. and i wouldn't trade it for anything. idk if thats a sign for anyone yeah. take it

[luvyeni]

ゐあ〞❃ ─── ﹙ meet the author .ᐟ﹚𓂃 ...

you can call me yeni if you want; but nia is my actual name. i'm twenty years old so don't worry I'm not a minor !

YENI'S LUVS 𓂃﹙ my stan list .ᐟ﹚

╰┈➤ ah 柔らかく甘い気分 ふわふわしてる 心には君形の穴が空いてるの just like a doughnut 迷い込んだ恋の loop 始まりも終わりもない ❞

stray kids ; vocalracha enhypen ; heeseung and sunghoon nct dream ; jeno and renjun riize ; anton and sohee aespa ; karina and winter

RULES AND GUIDELINES ﹙ please read before sending in anything .ᐟ﹚

i. bare with me , i sometimes just drop off the face of the earth and don't post anything for a few days , but that doesn't mean i'm not writing ( sometimes i forget to hit the upload ) — that being said , don't keep asking where's your request.

ii. please be respectful when asking for requests , i love everyone and i won't accept homophobia , racism or anything hateful on my page.

iii. if you read my guidelines and still send me a ask that will make me uncomfortable i will block you because you clearly dont respect my boundaries.

iv. i do sometimes write for aespa , but aespa is it if they aren't mentioned in the groups i write for then no i won't write for them.

v. GROUPS I WRITE FOR: straykids ; enhypen ; nct dream ; riize

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WRITE

YES ( go right ahead ! ) - social media aus, reactions, headcannons, scenarios, drabbles, most likely to, light bdsm ( choking, spanking, face slapping ), age gap, voyeurism, exhibitionism, threessomes, yandere, degradation, free use, daddy kink, most kinks are welcomed...

MAYBE ( not limited ) - spit kink ( sometimes it gives me the ick ), infidelity ( also sometimes gives me the ick ), anal ( it wont be that good ), sub!members ( im not good at it outside of threesomes and certain members ) knifeplay, member x member, pet play, hybrid, gangbangs ( it takes forever to write ), gore/killing (thriller/horror concepts), parent!reader, highschool au ( probably ni-ki only ) ...

NO ( absolutley not ! ) - bodily fluids ( piss kink / scat kink ), noncon, underage age gaps, ni-ki and jungwon smut, extreme bdsm, incest/stepcest, age play/regression, male!reader ( don't know how to write ), mommy kink, fisting, idol x idol, eating disorder, heavy mental health talks ( i tried and it gives me anxiety )

i. as stated if you read this and still ask for asks I'm uncomfortable with you will be blocked , however if there's something i missed and you send in something im uncomfortable with; i will politely let you know so there's no further confusion.

©LUVYENI

[softk1111tty]

✨pinned🪽

angel or kitty or cherry // 2001 // he + it

THIS IS AN 18+ / KINK BLOG.

if you are a sfw blog/under 18 do not reblog my posts. if you want to reblog my plushie transparents, id much rather you just save the image and repost it with the source link yourself. its not like i own the images anyway, i just take them from the sellers website and make them transparent. just make sure you add the source 🙏 <3

if you do not like my posts, want to interact with me, or do not want me to interact with you thats perfectly fine! i have no desire to enter spaces i am not wanted, thus the banner warning anyone unsuspecting what kind of blog this is.

if i interact with anyone who does not want nsfw interaction it was 100% an accident, and i try to check each blog i reblog from for a dni. if i miss something i wont be offended by anyone blocking me or whatever. keep yourself safe, i just ask not to be harassed for attempting to curate my own personal, safe, place.

with all that out of the way, heres more about the kitty (thats me !) under the cut ⬇️

this is a side blog for soft things and hard(er) kinks. everything thats too fucked up or embarassing to go on main. think of it like a sub-subspace. absolutely no minors.

soft kitty working on my resume to be a fulltime basement pet. thinks about being cannibalized often. fantasizes about being microchipped. wants to be pampered, more than willing to settle for torture. gods specialest most manipulatable boy. extremely clippable wings. deeply traumatized, full of daddy issues. 100% grade a raw meat. dumb whore. daddys pretty boy. made up of dollparts. toy in need of repairs. fuzzy bedside plush. full of cotton stuffing and gore. fragile, handle with care. Or dont. etc, i <3 my daddy, my owner, my everything, unconditionally and entirely💖

i age regress. i have extreme, intense, and frequent mood swings. i struggle with an eating disorder. i self harm. i have extensive childhood sexual abuse trauma. and, not that the reason really makes a difference, but i sexualize all of these things as a coping mechanism i suppose. i do not care if you think its healthy or not, because i do not have access to healthier coping mechanisms at the moment and im trying to do damage control for myself while upsetting as few people as possible. if this bothers you please leave.

my favorite colors are cherry red, dusty baby pink, and peach. i love my stuffies and soft blankets and chew toys. i collect palm pals! my favorite scents are fresh laundry, eucalyptus, lavender, and beachy coconut-y smells. my current sleeping buddies are stella sheep from aurora and the triceratops warmie! <3

no trigger tags or dni here. expect to see rape kink, dad/son/ddlb/fauxcest, intox, corruption, kidnapping, captivity, food control, emeto, some blood stuff, medfet, knife/gun play, impact/breath/burn play, marking/branding, romanticization of emotional AND physical abuse, etc.

i will never post/reblog pictures of irl dead bodies; when i reblog anything that constitutes as "gore", i try to make sure it is either 1) fake or 2) part of consensual kink. i am not a fan of snuff/death, and i have "irl gore" blacklisted.

if youve read this far id appreciate it if you liked the post but its not required or anything

for a more exhaustive list of what im into check my main @ch333rryboy <- i post pics here too

. ╱|、

₊˚⊹♡ (˚ˎ 。7

₊ |、˜〵 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

. ˚ じしˍ,)ノ

tags

➵ 👑 (for my daddy)

➵ soft

➵ sweet

➵ sick

➵ hard

➵ sharp

➵ fragile

➵ holy

➵ home

➵ diary posting (for concepts and personal posts and such)

➵ wishlist posting (transparents/pngs with links to item)

[ghost-of-the-machine]

or.. ill be upset about something else. i feel angry

i make too many excuses for everyone in my life. you ask them to walk all over you if it makes them feel better. i let you

im allowed to be a little spiteful, im allowed to be bitter!!!

its just. id say? bpd gives me the most problems like. even the whole. brain not put together thing is less cumbersome than that shit. what a painful way of life, so extreme and tiring.. it rips me apart and then puts me back together so suddenly, im high off the buzz until its ripped away from me again. thats how everything feels, it makes me want to just... sleep. for a very very long time

like most if not all disorders, its not my fucking fault i have to live like this, its theirs. im glad i was born... because i wouldnt be where i am now and i dont want to think about that. but? you couldnt have spared me a little time? ive been so violently aware of myself and all my flaws since i was little, like. LITTLE little. between offhand comments that i overanalyzed religiously and based my sense of self on, to just. being ALONE. that was no place for a kid to grow up. dark and dingy and cold and there was bugs everywhere and. there wasnt always someone to make food for me, i got food poisoning so many times cuz you cant let a fucking 7 year old cook for himself with no supervision? 'cook' is a generous word, id literally just grab cold shit from the fridge and eat it. several times i drank alcohol on accident cuz there was just water bottles full of alcohol left around my house. and lord, was it dirty.. not to mention the blood. and the violence, and screaming.. and they wonder why im the way i am now? i feel... ruined. it makes me angry. couldnt you have saved me from all of that? couldnt you have made it better for me? i was just a child, what could i have done? i did the most, though. put myself in front of others, learned to protect and . it was really naive of me, obviously these grown men arent scared of a little girl. but i tried, because everyone seemed like they needed someone to take care of them. i mean.. thats why they didnt take care of me, right? they needed it more! surely 💀

i got taken away by cps when i was really little, its one of my earliest memories. it was like a dream, every memory is like a dream to me.. but i remember that apparently, the agent on our case was corrupt or something, said we didnt have food when we did, etc and got us taken away on purpose. i think thats true, shes mentioned a case in the newspaper about it, but. my mom didnt want to give me up again. it took till i was about 8-9 before she finally sent me to live with my grandma again. maybe i wasnt there for very long, but... i am permanently altered 🥳🥳 YIPPIEEEE!!!!!

honestly it sucks. my dad is in jail where he belongs, ive never missed him a single day in my life, but.. i remember after, the only times id see my mom was brief visits at like. a facility. and i thought it was fun because there was places for me to play. it makes me.. really sad thinking about it now. i was about 4-5 around this time. idk. im not really angry anymore, im just sad now. i mean ill always be angry, but that just means ill always be sad too

so much... disruption. moving all over and leaving my friends behind, struggling to make new ones cuz . oh no1!1 that boy is developing attachment issues, i wonder where this will lead!!!! i latch on like a parasite to anyone i fall in love with, because im scared to be disrupted again. im scared itll be taken from me because everyone LOVES taking things away from me. my stability, my happiness, my family. my everything, just ripped away over and over again. no wonder bro doesnt know who he is!!!!!!!! what a waste.

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

trigger/content warning eating disorder vent

I am so god damned tired of having a fucking eating disorder. this shit never seems to get better it only ever gets worse and worse and worse. i am like purging about half of what i eat these past few weeks and like idk its bad but im losing weight. its so stupid cause like it controls so so manyt of my choices i am so tires of it being my reason behind so much of my motivations and actions. no matter how i move on from other things that is the one thing that seems to stay, anf like not only stay but progress and get worse and like cause way way more issues than it has ever fucking been worth. I am so tired of my fucking brain yelling at me for eating, or like for simply not moving enough during the day and then ending up eating. I cant even fucking enjoy almost any food at all and its gonna drive me crazy, if i enjoy it too much i want more and then i have to throw it up. every little thing that causes me issues i decide that the fix to that is for some reason binge-purging and or starving myself or excercising until i cant move. i just want to stop its been like this since i was like fucking 13/14 its horrible i am so so so tired. and like finding eating disorder social media has been amazing in some respects but in others it has made things so so so much worse. I wasnt able to purge before i found a few specific threads on eatind disorder forums, and like eating disorder tumblr and twitter and instagram have given me so so much community and feeling understood but also has given unhealthy tips and habits. and information and images that i will never unlearn. Through them i have met people years ago that i am friends with still and for that i will be so so thankful but the damage it has caused also is quite extreme and i dont know how i will ever come back from it. i havent been able to eat without thinking about the calories or what i have to do or if i should throw it up in years. it fucking sucks im so done. everyone is like you need help you need help you need to eat you need to get it together. talk to me. i can help. i wont eat until you do. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHUT UP IT ISNT ABOUT YOU JUST SHUT UP. this is so so much more than i ever thought it would be, i miss my life before i didnt have this, before it was fuciing ingrained. my worry now is if i will ever be able to recover. i have been tracking calories, restricting, bingeing, purging for years now, i dont know how i could ever really grow too far beyond thay it has become such an integral part of my life. i feel doomed. there doesnt feel like hope, there isnt a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, it went out years ago.

[decrepithag]

Someone, about me being really ill last year: So are you like...okay now? You’re at school more now so are you like, fine?? Like you found out what was wrong and its got treated and now you’re good?

Me: Oh, no I’m actually in the process of being tested for crohn’s disease :)

Them: Oh crohn’s isn’t even that bad. You just can’t eat seeds or drink wine or sometimes eat red meat.

Me, no longer being able to eat red meat, nuts, peaches, broccoli (aka my favourite food), cauliflower, raw carrots, onion, anything with a lot of fibre, too much gluten at once, tomatoes, anything slightly spicy, corn, potato skins, garlic, pop/soda/anything carbonated or anything oily/fried without having extreme abdominal pain for many hours after I eat and now having anxiety surrounding eating because I don’t know what will trigger me and cause my to have a horrible flare up and shit blood so I barely eat which is causing me to lose a lot of weight, not having enough spoons to properly deal with this person: haha yeah it sucks :’)

[amazingorangedangantrash]

Excuse me Orange. I have seen the posts of Makoto interacting with class 77 and as much as I would love to hear about it I'm really curious about how a relationship with class 79 and Makoto would be. More specifically Makoto and Kokichi.

Yes this is because I can't get the fic "Rosemary" out of my head. In summary, Makoto loses his memories and becomes a counsellor at a school in Germany after meeting Rantaro and adopts Kokichi. Besties Rantaro and Makoto with the disaster child that is Kokichi.

Hello anon! Thank you ever so much for being so polite and patient with me :). This post has been a long time coming, and people have requested it ever since I made those class 77 headcanons. I put it off partly because I was worried I wouldn't do the V3 characterisation justice. I based a lot of this off the wiki info, so I highly encourage anyone to add their thoughts or counter if they think of something different!

(Also since pre-game personalities are basically non-existent outside of headcanons, this is based off their killing game personas)

Makoto is excited to greet another school year, and some underclassmen along with it! With all the... interesting characters (turned friends) he's encountered in both his own and the above year, he can only wonder what the new students will be like...

Kaede- out of all the protagonists, I'd say Kaede shares the most similarities with Makoto, moreso than his own sister. These two would definitely get along and make a great tag team- watch out Hope's Peak, because these two will have befriended you before you know it! Makoto definitely admires Kaede's straightforwardness and her optimistic nature. They act as great support for each other if tag teaming another person/persons, as Kaede is bolder then Makoto, whilst Makoto acts well as a medium. They're both extremely loyal, arguably to a fault. Both Kaede and Makoto have lied in a class trial to protective their friend (a detective each time too, lmao). Apparently she also lied for his sake in the demo, which is sweet. I feel like they'd connect well over their mutual optimism and kind hearts. I think Makoto would convince Kaede to step out of her comfort zone- socially, she's very bold, but she strays away from activities that could affect her piano playing (by hurting her fingers) and can waste away a lot of time in the practice room. She misses out on a lot of potentially fun activities that way. On an outing with some others, she accidentally cuts her finger, and whilst Makoto apologises and tells her she was right to be cautious, she waves him aside. Despite being unable to play the piano for a few days, she fills her time with other activities and it actually... doesn't bother her so much. As an 'ordinary person', Makoto helps a lot of talented students by opening their eyes to seeing that their identity doesn't revolve around their talents. In return, Kaede offers to teach Makoto whilst he spends time with her in the practice room. Whilst piano is her favourite, she knows how to play other instruments, and teaches Makoto the violin (maybe you think he'd play a different instrument but violins are my favourite so I'm going with that-). They even practice together, and whilst Kaede still practices nearly every day, she finds that it can actually be even more fun with company.

Shuichi- ah yes, yet another detective. Makoto was initially surprised that they'd accepted another Ultimate Detective, since there's normally only one ultimate at a time in the school (aside from Luck, which is decided each year with a raffle or draw or whatever). It's revealed that Shuichi is actually undergoing part of a new tutoring programme, in order to increase the number of people with talents especially useful to society. He's to be tutored by his upperclassman... *drumroll* Kyoko! Being close with Kyoko and with Kaede, Makoto sees a lot of Shuichi and befriends him too. He helps out with Shuichi's lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy. Unlike Makoto, Shuichi has an obvious role model that he both aspires to and compares himself against. Unlike Kyoko, Shuichi is much more connected to and feels responsible for the people his detective work condemns. Whereas Kyoko is confident in her goal to obtain the truth, in totally neutrality, Shuichi is hesitant about it, unable to feel unbiased and take a neutral stand. Makoto convinces him this is a good thing, that feeling guilt is normal and is a sign of being a passionate and sympathetic soul. Shuichi doesn't have to be the kind of detective Kyoko is- sometimes that kind of compassionate and caring person is exactly the mindset people want. He also reassures Shuichi that as painful as the truth is, uncovering it means being able to eventually move on, and embrace hope. (He also tells Kyoko to maybe be a bit more... /welcoming/ in their lessons, and eventually Kyoko grows quite fond of her student, discovering a fondess for teaching she didn't know she had).

They're both very humble and polite, and whilst Makoto isn't reserved, he can be very passive. I think the two would appreciate having more of a calm relationship, typical of a 'normal' friendship that is often er- 'lacking' at Hope's Peak. With Kaede's help, Shuichi would open up to Makoto and others over time. I personally headcanon Shuichi to have an anxiety disorder and depressive bouts, so I think someone like Makoto would be a great support friend, for him to go to when he needs company and comfort, someone to listen and to understand, and vice versa to an extent. I like to imagine Makoto, Shuichi and Kaede often spend time together (with Hajime too protag gang ftw). Shuichi likes to study in the music room with them. He's already good at research, but the music actually helps him... enjoy it more. (Maybe he takes up an instrument too, to give him a hobby to focus on, hmm).

Kokichi- Kokichi Ouma. Kokichi Ouma... what do I even say? Trying to wrap my head around his character is like trying to clear the death road of despair in your first try. Still, I'll try my best!

I've seen a headcanon before (i dont remember by who, if you know lmk and I'll credit them) that Makoto via his unpredictable luck would be immune to Kokichi's pranks, and I think that'd set up a pretty good basis for their introduction. I think if Kokichi and Makoto had to describe the other in one word, it would be... "frustrating". At first glance, they're practically opposites- someone like Kokichi, who seems to breathe lies instead of air, and a person like Makoto, who's so honest and open it's almost stupid. Makoto doesn't like how Kokichi lies so much, even if it means people hating him. He almost seems to WANT people to hate him (I think he said once that honest people scare him more than strangers). Makoto has a tendency to break down even the most difficult characters (coughcoguuh class 78 coughcofuh), and that both scares but intrigues Kokichi. Makoto couldn't hate him if he tried (literally the only person he ever even /disliked/ was Junko. Not /hate/, but just /dislike/? Really???), and it frustrates Kokichi that Makoto is so willing to trust him and put faith in him. Makoto isn't blindly optimistic either, he genuinely believes in people, and I think Kokichi would feel envious towards being able to trust so... freely. Part of Kokichi's childish and carefee personality and his perchance for lies is the manifestation of his desire for freedom. If no-one knows what he's thinking, if no one can guess his moves, if no one can use emotions or weaknesses against him, and he can do whatever he wants, isn't that freedom? Except it isn't. By not letting his guard down and being honest with people, in a way, Kokichi's lies have left him trapped, unable to open up out of a fear of vulnerability. Whilst Kokichi would be initially suspicious of Makoto, maybe even distrustful of or uncomfortable around his personality, I think having such a grounded, honest individual whom he can /rely/ on would be... comforting. Kokichi would warm up to him, and see that with Makoto, what you see is what you get. He's above all else, a /genuine/ person, though certainly not an ordinary one, and Kokichi learns to respect and even admire that. Kokichi intentionally pushes people away to avoid expressing vulnerability, by being intentionally unlikeable, but even so I think he's lonely. Pushing away others isn't out of a true desire to be alone (it never is), but a defense mechanism. That tactic wouldn't work on Makoto, and so Makoto could become someone who Kokichi not only considers a friend, but who wholeheartedly returns the sentiment.

Makoto isn't sure what to think of Kokichi at first. He's heard so much about this terrifying new student, an overlord of a secret underground organisation with roots all over the globe... and yet the first time they meet Kokichi is trying to drop a bucket of custard on him. I don't think Makoto would like how Kokichi lies so much- especially about things like killing people or sending them away to never be seen again. It upsets him how Kokichi can joke about it, and how he seems to enjoy toying with people's feelings. When Makoto has a goal, he'll follow it through to the end, so when he's determined to break through Kokichi's walls... well, it's not easy at first. He's also willing to keep Kokichi company and give him attention and hear him out, which Kokichi admittedly likes. Whilst Makoto isn't a pushover, he's also not going to threaten Kokichi or retaliate with mean words, he genuinely listens and entertains Kokichi even though he knows Kokichi is messing with him, which is.. really nice, actually. Even if he tries he can't really shake Makoto that much (pls after all the other -weirdos- people he's met?). Like oh-? They have to duel to the death with yu-gi-oh cards? It's lucky Makoto brought his stack with him! Kokichi orders him to play tea party with him? He loved playing it with Komaru when she was younger and was sad when she stopped! Kokichi tricks him into eating a really gross weird food? How did you know that was a family favourite! Kokichi is fond of Makoto, and is desperate to keep Makoto's attention on him, whilst at the same time not wanting to reveal his true feelings, leading to plenty of complicated situations. Eventually they reach a breaking point (i love drama ok) and whilst Makoto doesn't lash out at him, exactly, he admits that maybe it's best he leaves Kokichi alone, believing that maybe Kokichi truly is content to be the way he is. It's this event that causes Kokichi to realise that Makoto really is someone he'd rather not hurt- that he doesn't just 'like' him but truly cares for him. From then on he tries to dial it down a bit, and Makoto comes to understand how Kokichi's lying and 'cruelty' stems from a place of insecurity and fear of trust. He promises to be a person Kokichi can trust, to show him that vulnerability doesn't have to mean gettint hurt. Whenever the two are around each other all kind of wacky hijinks are bound to ensure, really. Kokichi loves having someone around to not only give him attention, but want to as well, and Makoto enjoys how Kokichi is willing to spend time with and entertain him, pushing him and supporting him in ways that he didn't realise initially. They both find the other extremely interesting, and their encounters usually lead to significant changes in their relationship and mindsets.

I like to imagine they'd spend time playing games and fanboying together- Kokichi adores video games, and it always poses a challenge going against Makoto's luck, which is great for someone competitive as he is. Kokichi also seems a fan of the shounen genre, and 'basic' Makoto is the only other person in the school aside from Hifumi and Tsumugi to even watch anime so you know those two nerds geek out constantly. Kokichi likes to play other kinds of games with Makoto too- and they really like word games- especially two truths one lie. Makoto is... suprisingly good at it. He's pretty poetic, and his genuineness makes it hard to disbelieve him. Which makes it all the more fun when going against Kokichi!

Rantaro- how would these two describe each other in 5 words? "A breath of fresh air". They're both some of the "normal-est" in the school tbh. It's really great for both of them to have someone to do normal teen stuff with. They love going shopping together, hanging out at cafes and arcades. They actually meet when looking for a birthday present for their sister(s). They both reach for the same one before apologising and insisting the other have it. Rantaro insists Makoto take it, since, well, it's not like /his/ sister would get it anytime soon... confused, Makoto asks why and somehow Rantaro ends up confessing the whole thing about his sisters' disappearances, and how he always buys a present for each of their birthdays, waiting for the day when he can give them to them in person. (Pls why does this always end up with makoto counselling the students akdhsjsj-). Makoto could definitely sympathise, having a younger sister of his own. I think they'd bond over that "older brother" role they share, and Makoto would definitely help alleviate some of Rantaro's guilt. I like to imagine that Makoto, whilst being a 'typical teenage boy', also has a lot of feminine interests that he might be a bit insecure about. I love the idea of Rantaro encouraging him to embrace that (guy has like 12 sisters, he gave up feeling shy about makeup, nail polish, jewellery and dressing up in tiaras years ago). Rantaro is the first person to paint Makoto's nails and he loves it so much-!!! They go out for boba together and wear matching green nail polish pls its awesome. Rantaro also tells Makoto stories from when he was travelling and its also amazing- Makoto loves hearing all about it, and Rantaro is actually an incredible storyteller. Though Rantaro initially adventured to find his sister(s), he remembers why he loved travelling in the first place, and he's able to look back fondly on those memories that used to be clouded with the despair of his sisters' disappearance. They even go on vacation together to a tropical island at some point (maybe with friends). I'd like to say Makoto's luck might even lead to them finding one of the sisters, but maybe that's a bit too coincidental ahaha.

Miu- hmm. I think Makoto would be a little put off at first by her vulgarity and very openly sexual and crude behaviour. It's not that he dislikes her, he just isn't really sure... how to react around her? Her and Kaede don't get along, and Makoto often finds himself playing peacemaker when he stumbles upon their arguments. To his surprise, though, she seems to actually... like it when they fight? In fact- she seems to like it when people give her the time of day at all, really. Maybe she's just... lonely? And well, she can be a bit... um- /obnoxious/, but she can't be that bad! Making him go to see her weird (weird) inventions, that must be her way of reaching out and trying to spend time with him, right?

And then she starts calling him "Ma-crap-to", "Naegidiot", "Makusoto", and "Na-unchi"

nevermind she sucks

Makoto, with his saintly patience, would probably end up getting closer to her similar how Shuichi does in his FTEs. (I'll be honest there's not much difference I can think of akdjsjjssksj-)

Kaito- Kaito! Who doesn't love Kaito. It's no secret Kaito thinks himself the centre of the Universe (insert space joke here haha)- he's the protagonist of his own life, and luckily for him, Makoto fits quite nicely into the sidekick role. Both of them are passionate, with big hearts and strong spirits. Kaito is really good at seeing through people too- (idk how accurate this is but apparently in the wiki it says he sees that Nagito isn't interested in his talent or him as a person so much as him as a symbol). Whilst Makoto obviously has a lot of respect and admiration for all the talented students, I feel like it's a lot more... genuine? In a way that he can appreciate the person behind the talent, more than the talent itself. Kaito is someone who likes to inspire people and I think this would resonate with him. I think the two could seriously get along! They're both hopeless (haha) romantics and stupidly optimistic lmao. Kaito can be a little hotheaded at times, so I also like the idea that Makoto could calm him down, or at least reel him in a bit. He's stubborn when it comes to... um.. certain types of people (kokichi) so maybe Makoto could open his mind a bit.

Maki: MAKI ROLLLL. Ok I'm sure she'd probably have to hide her talent until it all came out at some point. I think Makoto is someone who's very against killing (even Junko he believed there was a better way for), so whilst he wouldn't agree with her talent, I think he wouldn't hold it against Maki, especially because he's very good at separating person from talent. Makoto is very understanding, and I think that like with Kaito, he would try to befriend her and open her up. He'd probably feel bad for her, not knowing what a "normal" life was like, so he'd try his best to do that. I think Maki in turn would appreciate that, and slowly get to know him like she did with Kaito and Shuichi. (She also likes complaining to him about Kaito lmao).

(he also takes her out for sushi so she can see for herself what a harumaki is LOL)

I'm sorry anon, this is as far as I could go aksnjjssj. When I feel up to it I'll try and make a part 2 to this, but I hope this is good for now?

(Also that fic sounds awesome and I'll definitely have to read it at some point)

[billiedeanhwrd]

mind is just as frail as it's frame, you know i'd leave it alone

billie dean howard x reader

summary: you're fighting a losing game with your disorder, let's hope it's not too late when your ex-girlfriend shows up in your apartment.

warnings: eating disorders (bulimia), depression, sad ending

word count: 1730

a/n: this is basically a vent i dumped into my notes app in one sitting after not being inspired to write for way too long, so, pls don't judge too harshly and pls DONT READ THIS IF IT COULD TRIGGER YOU

gif credits to @mildredratchds

You had fallen into the dark, deep blue again. Time and time again you fell and you fought your way out, you fell and you picked yourself up again. Not this time though, you were drowning and there was nothing you could do to get back to air. You were trapped in this pool of misery as if it was locked on the surface, and there was no way you were getting out of it by yourself.

The last time it got this bad you had Billie, sweet, sweet Billie, who would've sacrificed her life to help you in any shape or form, but she was gone. Her departure left a cavity in your heart, yet you couldn't be mad at her. She had tried. But you locked her out when you needed her the most. There really was no one else to blame for the decaying of your heart, but you.

Nothing particularly bad happened that would've caused you to spiral this extremely, it was simply the fact that everything was bad, everything is bad, and everything would always be bad. In reality, your problems weren't getting worse, but the continuous strain of having to deal with the same troubles every single day was eating away at your resistance. You could feel the energy and willpower to keep going creeping out of your body, leaving you with the empty shell of who you used to be.

You hadn't talked to Billie in months, after repeated tries to break down your walls and being pushed away every single time, she gave up. You did it, you pushed away the one person who truly cared for you. Your mind was clouded by self-hatred and anguish, it was as if your eyes were shielded by a grey layer, making it impossible for the world to look anything but cold and loveless.

There was not a single thing that could spark up the joyous flame inside you. Nothing was even remotely good anymore. Nothing.

You were here, but at the same time, you weren't. As if you had taken a step back from reality. The feeling of not being real blurring the lines between good and bad. At certain moments the light inside you would flicker, pulling you back and guiding you to the right thing. But it was only a flicker. It was weak and it was temporary. The disordered desire to completely destroy yourself was starting to consume you.

Everything was blurry, the line between good and bad, the one between acceptable and inappropriate and most dangerously the one between you and your illness.

Were these your authentic thoughts or were they caused by a disorder?, was a question you often asked yourself, but never actually answered.

You had long reached past the point of not caring, now you wanted it, actively wanted absolute destruction. You resumed all your old unhealthy coping mechanisms and made no effort to stop your current ones.

Who would really care if you died? no one, at least that's what you made yourself believe.

Total isolation from friends and family was necessary so you could spend all your time focusing on your eating disorder.

Instead of spending your nights in the arms of the woman you loved, you spent them hunched over the toilet, hurling your guts out.

You felt weak and disgusting at all times, nothing about what you were doing was anywhere near glamorous. Well... except if anyone finds choking on your own vomit or all kinds of gross digestive issues glamorous.

You couldn't recognize the girl starring back at you in the mirror, who the hell even was this red-eyed girl? Her puffy cheeks stood out to you immediately. Snot, vomit, and bile were running down her face, probably picking at her skin. And her eyes... well, except for tears and popped blood vessels there was nothing in them. Not a single glimpse of happiness or remains of a person.

It was a heartbreaking sight that left you cold.

Dizzily you walked to your bed, too tired to do anything. The tiny remains of energy you had left you with the content of your stomach.

It was 5 in the evening and you were laying in bed, staring at the spinning ceiling, until your eyes fell shut.

Your friends had contacted Billie, she was the only one who used to be able to help you at least a little bit. She was there for you, always, and she never judged. She stood by you in your darkest times, supportively holding your hand and not letting go even when the going got tough. You were constantly terrified of dragging her down with you, the last thing you wanted was to rob the world of her angelic presence.

She would hold you close when you were down, which was admittedly most days. She would clean your apartment and do your laundry, things you didn't feel like you could do in the state you were in.

She loved you and you loved her.

Of course, you returned the favors, you were there for her as well, but you knew it was different. It was a bigger challenge being with someone so deeply intertwined with their illness, but she still did it.

She was your everything, and you had lost her.

Not only was she your light in this pitch-black hole others called life, but she was also your soulmate. The one you laughed with most. The one who got you, everything about you. You shared a myriad of beautiful moments that outshined any bad time for her. She wanted to marry you one day, of course, you didn't know that until you kicked her out of your apartment and discovered a red, velvet box weeks later when you finally cleaned out her drawer.

You were moody, irritable, impulsive, and horribly depressed. It seemed as if your actions didn't have consequences, life was a game of numbers. Calories in. Calories out. Nothing else mattered.

You felt no remorse when things ended with Billie. The realization only really hit you when you found the 18 carat Tiffany diamond.

For a second your eyes opened wide and your lips curled into a smile, despite having ruined the surprise proposal. Then, boom, it hit you and your heart crumbled. There was no surprise to ruin, anymore. You two were done. She didn't need you, she had moved on, appearing with a new side-piece on the covers of tabloids weekly.

Why would you even care though? You ended things. you could hear a painful laugh erupting from you, you didn't need her, you didn't need anyone, not when you had your innermost nervosa.

Eyes wide and dead, smile big and stiff, you looked horrifying. But what did it matter? Sanity was a hoax anyways.

When your friends called Billie she dropped everything for you, like she always had and always would. The second she heard how you were behaving, her heart rate went sky high. It was happening again, and this time, she wasn't there to throw you a lifejacket, this time, you were drowning on your own.

It was 6 in the evening, and you were laying in your bed, facing the now still-standing ceiling.

Billie chuckled to herself as she used the spare key you hid in your not-so-secret-secret hiding spot to open your front door. The apartment was just how you had left it.

After you had practically inhaled the kitchen until you were painfully full and then, of course, ritualistically aggressively forced your hand down your throat to un-do what just happened. That's what appealed to you about bulimia. The control. Life didn't have an undo button, so you had to create one for yourself. You cheated in the dirtiest games of them all and your pride overthrew every bit of rationality that was left. Not once did the thought "I shouldn't be doing this" enter your mind, this was after all normal to you, blurry, but normal.

It doesn't work that way though, you can't undo anything or cheat your way through life just because you're unable to give up control. And a part of you knew that, a part of you wanted to listen to what your therapist had told you. She was right, you could drop dead at any second, the chances of having a sudden heart attack rising after every heave.

The smell of vomit invaded the medium's nose when the door creaked open, and her heart sunk. She wanted so badly to help you through this, stand by you, and overcome this with you, but you wouldn't let her. You made it impossible for her to be apart of your life. She had no energy to keep up the fight and so she left, like you wanted her to, like you said you wanted her to.

She called out your name. no response. you must be asleep somewhere, she thought. Your ex-girlfriend made her way through the food packages and dirty dishes on the floor to the bathroom, it wouldn't be the first time she'd find you passed out on the cold ceramic tiles. She flushed the toilet and wiped down the blood and vomit-covered toilet seat before stopping in the doorway to collect herself. Fiddling with her pearl necklace before taking a deep breath, she left the bathroom.

It was 6:10 in the evening when Billie switched off the light in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen, her red pumps echoing through your deadly silent apartment. She stopped in her tracks and seriously considered cleaning for a second, like she used to do for you when you were dating.

She missed you, a lot. She missed seeing the relief on your face when you entered your freshly cleaned kitchen after beating yourself up for nights for not being able to just. Do. IT. She missed the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at her, she missed your bear-hugs and cuddles, she missed everything about you. Billie shook her head, cleaning could wait, she needed to talk to you.

It was 10 past 6 in the evening and you were laying in your bed, which was how Billie found you a few seconds later.

Because everything was just how you had left it. Dirty dishes on the floor. Lights on. Vomit in the toilet. A lifeless body facing the ceiling.

[genderfuck-demon]

2 Months on T

missed the mark by a few days again, but whatev time is fake. here we go.

Physical Changes

face:

the acne is subsiding which is a huge relief. now it's still annoying, but manageable. it's also a lot less noticeable which is great bc i was scared it would be a lot like it was when i was a teen

eyebrows: 1 month vs 2 months. i think the second one looks smoother bc of the lighting, but tbh i dont see that much of a change

this is probably just my opinion, but i kinda feel like my face looks chubbier. it's probably just my body dysmorphia tho.

voice: dropped a whole tone, went down to an Ab2. now my vocal range is Ab2-C5-A5 (C5-A5=falsetto).

arms: literally nothing's changed. look at these weak ass noodle arms dafuk

chest/abs: not even gonna bother posting a pic bc it's literally the same. i feel fatter tho, which may or may not be true bc ive been eating a more than usual due to random bursts of hunger, followed by not eating much at all due extreme lack of appetite. and also. body dysmorphia. i'll always feel too fat no matter what. im scared i might be falling back into my eating disorder.

peepee: there is noticeable growth. it doesn't hurt anymore.

legs: nothing notable

Emotional Changes:

the usual hormonal BPDish rollercoaster. for a liiitle moment there, for about 3 or 4 days i was a bit stable, but other than that, im the usual mess that i am. splitting on friends, getting furious for no damn good reason, getting paralyzed in fear that i'll be abandoned, screaming, crying, getting wasted and blacking out, feeling such intense pain my chest starts to physically hurt and it's like flames slowly spreading throughout my entire body. going numb for a moment and getting a small break from all the turmoil. Wallowing in that numbness and savoring it like sweet wine. Randomly breaking down again and bursting into tears. crying and crying and crying and not knowing why. feeling on top of the world. i am a king. i am a god. next minute im miserable, worthless trash and deserve nothing but endless grief and sorrow for all eternity. it never ends...

they said T would make me less emotional and more practical but so far...that clearly hasn't happened. i don't regret going on T tho, that's just how i usually am. im just waiting for this particular change bc im so exhausted of feeling everything so intensely.

overall, im pretty comfy with all the changes so far :)

[frightfurtabby]

HimiKiyo Week Day 6: I Melt With You

// 2nd to last day, the theme is sickness and health. Emi told me about a headcanon about Kiyo having Marfan Syndrome a while ago so I used that for this. And to add another layer I’ve made a nod to a grey’s anatomy episode we watched on a date night. sadly i dont think thats enough for me to be able to tag that fandom tho smh//

Word Count: 1299

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34224124

Amino: (coming soon)

Korekiyo always had health problems in some way since they could remember. It wasn’t easy to live with but Sister had always had it worse. Of course she did, because her ailments were rarer and deadlier, as she frequently reminded them back in those days. It was all about her so without her things went south for several years. (More so than they had been)

Himiko also knew what it was like to lose somebody to something like that. It was one of the things that they bonded over in their early days knowing one another. It took a few conversations to fully open up about that. It took even longer then for Kiyo to confess there was a reason for their lanky appearance and spindly fingers: Marfan Syndrome.

A big catch was that their heart was bad. It could be fixed with surgery, but that and the medications were simply managing it and the dozens or so other symptoms. It, like many of the disorders Kiyo’s sister had while she was alive, was incurable.

Any surgery had risks, but the risks were better than risking the damage to the arteries getting any worse. It had finally come time for the procedure. There were indicators their heart would start to get worse.

Himiko was in the room when the doctor broke the news. In a cruel twist it was she that seemed to need the most comforting about the news. Kiyo kept her up on their lap and brushed fingers across her hand.

“I’m going to be fine, darling.” They told her before giving a peck on the cheek. “Recovery might take a while but when I’m all better, I’ll be better than ever before. Stronger.”

“You’ll really be okay honey?” She clung to them like a koala.

“Yes. I promise that.” A promise sealed with a kiss on her lips. That was the kind that should never be broken, so they knew they had to fight.

There were little conversations day to day about it. It was first caught extremely early as many genetic conditions were. It started with eye problems and scoliosis. A few more observations and tests and it was the answer. Plus, there was a family history with it due to one grandfather having had it.

Kiyo had a morbid sense of humor and one of the jokes was about how they were “Always in and out of the hospital, so why not have something interesting to stay longer. Make things a lot more convenient”

Himiko knew she had to stay in the hospital overnight tonight, so she put a call in to an old friend to house-sit and make sure to feed their kitty child, Ryo. It was the night before the big day.

“Thank you.” Kiyo said, propped up a bit on the pillows. They figured they may get some shut-eye soon. “I got a little sad, but then I thought about how happy he’ll be when his mommies come back home.” They smiled.

“I’ll be glad when this is all over.” she put her phone under the pillow on the visitors couch she was going to sleep on before walking over to hold their hand. “If the doctors mess anything up I’ll sue.” She wasn’t kidding, and hoped it didn’t come to that.

A smile crossed Kiyo’s face as they gently returned her little hand squeeze. “I know you would. I trust that I’ll be fine here.”

She leaned in and gave a kiss. “Is there anything you’d like before bed?”

Stroking their chin in thought, an answer came with a slight delay. “Well… how about a bedtime story? I’ve read those to you many times, so this can be a good opportunity for your turn.”

“Hehe, I thought you might say something like that. So I came up with one already earlier today.” she explained, “So, I hope you’ll enjoy hearing this tale.” It was a relaxing one with a relatively light conflict. Many talking animals inhabited a lush green landscape with the yellow sun shining on them above.

Some of the denizens of this land had assumed a Kitsune had stolen lost items from them when things went missing solely due to the creature’s reputation. After a bit of detective work, starting from a single odd feather out in the nearby farm’s chicken coop led to the discovery that there was a visit from a Tengu and that had been the true culprit.

Kiyo enjoyed laying back and listening instead of telling for once, eyes closed as they listened and visualized what was going on in the story. Following it all along, walking in the shoes of the characters. As time passed they got sleepier, her voice soothing any worry they had.

Happy little yawns popped up here and there. Kiyo expended only a small bit of energy to lean up and nuzzle into her hand as she ran soft, gentle hands along their cheek or through their hair.

“Mmm, I know I tell you this a lot but you really are cuter than you’re given credit for.”

“Am I?” they asked, briefly opening their eyes to look up with a flutter.

“Yes, especially when you’re all sleepy like this. You should rest up.”

The next day Kiyo woke up a little bit later than usual. It was still morning but the sun was approaching the peak it would have at midday. The curtains were open so that meant either one of the doctors or nurses or Himiko opened them.

Their wife was up and about, returning a moment later. “Oh, you’re awake! You were still resting when I got up. I brought you something.”

In her hands was a bottle of water and some toast with jam.

“It’s not very much but since it's today it has to be light.”

Kiyo nodded. “Well, it is breakfast in bed served by my beloved. I’d say that its enough~”

They took a drink first and then a few bites of their food. Himiko walked up for a hug when they’d finished eating.

“So, how do you want to spend the rest of the time before they take you in?”

“I’m not sure, there’s plenty to read or we could watch the television.”

“I’ll watch with you.” she said, pulling a seat up.

Kiyo flipped through the channels until something interesting came up and then put the remote on the bedside table. The couple held hands and tried to keep away the anxiety and worry for a few more hours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours later the Doctor came in, asking if they were ready. To which Kiyo nodded.

They looked over to Himiko and gave her hand a squeeze. “I’ll see you again soon honey. Don’t worry about me too much.”

She kissed them and Kiyo reached up around her shoulders to return the kiss.

She waved them goodbye for now, adding before her wife left “I’ll try, but I can’t help but worry at least a little.”

She occupied herself more or less successfully. At least she hadn’t freaked herself out badly. They came back in one piece, still under, just a few hours later. Hours that dragged on yet felt like nothing at all when she knew they were going to be okay.

Her huge grin never left her. Kiyo woke up and looked up so happily tears just about formed.

As the two hugged close, Kiyo said their first words since before the surgery. “Told you I’d be back, This wasn’t so bad now was it?”

“I guess not. I’ll always be here no matter what else you’ll need” Himiko knew there may be a need for further surgery in the future, given what she knew about their medical history from before they met. “That’s what I signed up for after all.”

[silvanable]

Match-Up : Ikemen Revolution

@nad-zeta

Hi there dear! I legit loved your ikesen matchup up so her so here i am asking for an ikevamp matchup ❤❤ hope u dont mind❤❤

🥰 i am a aries, infp, Hufflepuff female 🦊 i am shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, i like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.

I will definitely be the person making jokes at inappropriate times and something about inappropriate things (its one of my coping mechanisms) 😂 I love my friends and family and will fight anyone how threatens them, although when it comes to me you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly cant stand up for myself). I swear like a sailor although i am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.

i love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life (it is one of my coping mechanisms and has helped me slowly overcome an eating disorder)😂i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery, i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), romcoms, and  sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato.

I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken timeI tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 My face will give away what i am thinking. i enjoy my own alone time and i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein), i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure.  I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.

🙈 Thanx so much dear ❤ Sorry if this is TMI and for making u read all that again🙈🙈🙈🔥Cant wait to see who i get matched with 🌈🎀

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

i’m glad to see you in my submissions again! it makes me very happy knowing you enjoyed the ikesen match up!

i hope i don’t disappoint with this ikerev one. enjoy!

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

↪  GUIDELINES

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

ー FENRIR GODSPEED : ACE OF SPADES

i can see a relationship between you and fenrir because there are a lot of areas in compliments with personalities.

you said you were a shy person who does not open up easily, but you can be read by your emotions with a good eye.

fenrir takes a whole 24 hours to crack down on that calm and shy little persona you got going before he has you laughing in tears on the floor.

sorry i don’t make the rules i just rely them.

he took it as a personal challenge to get you to smile and laugh and feel comfortable around the black army headquarters.

so yes, he would try and do everything imaginable in a single day to get you to open up.

not to mention you are also a moderator, with a milder set personality and very gentle.

which pretty much balances out the wilder and more chaotic side that fenrir has been known to have.

that being said, you happened to be a very goofy, fun loving, and playful person so you also compliment his wild side.

to put it simply, you are either the mellow aid or you are the chaos instigator, there is no in between.

i’m going to say it right now, gym buddies.

you love to work out, the moment fenrir finds that out he’s there asking if you want to join him on his morning routine.

he would love the company anyways and maybe to show off a lil bit.

between you and fenrir, i can imagine a lot of food going missing.

especially sweets. oh god all the sweets.

not to call you out but both y’all are carb junkies, which is to make up for the exercise of you running from the trouble you both stir up.

going to be honest, the first time you open up a can of the good ol’ sailor everyone, and i mean everyone is surprised.

there lovely, gentle, fun-loving alice is in the courtyard swearing higher than magic tower.

to say the least chutney learned her lesson after bearing the front of it not to try and steal your stuff.

half the black army had come running out with the first shout worried they were being attacked and you were in trouble.

instead they ended up finding alice 2.0 with a slightly startled raccoon, your notebook and pens all over the ground with you squatting to pick it all up.

fenrir was shocked… and that shock broke down into loud laughter a moment later.

“with a tone like that even the red army will be running from you!”

he will never let you, or anyone for that matter, forget it.

on another note, despite all the wild and troublesome things you two get into much to the display of mother sirius you do have your mellow moments.

cuddles. all the time.

while fenrir seems to have the attitude of the extrovert on EXTROVERT™ he has his moments of calm and quiet.

your need to recharge is especially something that causes him to mellow out, he doesn’t want to push you too far.

he understands you need alone alone time too, so he’s willing to back up but most times he’s spending your recharge time to mellow out with you.

absolutely willing to spend time you with in bed just to snuggle into you and hold you close.

walks in the garden to hear about your conspiracies, what you’ve read recently, or what you’ve been writing.

would bring shu shu with him constantly because he found out you loved dogs and he must bring a tiny floof for your enjoyment plus shu shu loves you so.

expect this man to ask you to cook for him.

the moment he finds out you’re a chef that’s it, he wants to taste everything you’ve ever made or even thought about making.

his support and encouragement are WAY out there in the best and loving way possible.

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

[kpop-pick-me-up]

So, can I say something real quick about Kpop idols?

This has been a thought on my mind basically since I joined the Kpop community, and I know some people might react weird or not understand what I'm trying to say but that doesn't matter to me. Putting this out there does.

*ahem* NO KPOP IDOL IVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL CHUBBY IS ACTUALLY CHUBBY.*ahem*

Like for real. I see posts talking about how Suga's cheeks get chubbier on break, and how Haechan's cheeks have gotten chubbier, or "before" and "after" pictures of idols who have gone on a diet and people saying "I miss when they were chubby" like.... They never were and they aren't. This is just what they'd actually look like if they got a normal amount of sleep, ate like a normal human, and didn't dance for 4-12 hours a day. That's not chubby, that's how they'd naturally look.

Chubby, to me means that a person is slightly overweight, or that they're a healthy weight but naturally softer and can look more fuller. Which is all beautiful. And I'm aware this can be a culture difference because of how idols are expected to be thin and perfect but sometimes when I look at them I just think about how unhealthy some (not all) of them must be physically.

Because on a mini tangent: when someone eats so little amount of food for so long and is they are always in a caloric deficit (so let's say youre recommended amount to maintain your weight is 2000, but you constantly eat 1500, or 1200-1400 calories a day) their metabolism adapts so that it's natural state of burning to maintain IS 1500 or 1200-1400. So they'd HAVE to eat less to lose weight, or fix their metabolism by slowly increasing their food intake so their metabolism can adjust to a normal amount of food again. But to do that their weight would plateau or they'd even gain a little bit. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an idol gaining weight or doing any of this, except for the fact that they'd be called "fat" by the media. Nobody actually seems to care about an idol's health. And imagine what calling them "chubby" does to them when it's just them eating normally. Why do you THINK idols always go on strict diets before a comeback? Because they know that if they eat normally people would know and call them chubby. And I'm not saying this offends them, but I know that I would feel so pressured and judged subconsciously to eat less and lose the "chubbiness" because the media must see it too if fans do.

And I know some idols don't care or even just say they don't care (but trust me, they probably do), and I know some of you guys don't mean to hurt their feelings and just mean to say it innocently, it still encourages this unhealthy mindset that all idols MUST be borderline unhealthy, and just BARELY a healthy weight or diet amount. This gives their employers a reason to make them do those crazy restricted diets (ice cube diet, or the IU diet for example) and force them to lose weight because they KNOW and SEE what you do as well, and can see when you comment on it.

To put this into a different perspective as well, as someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder, looking at really thin idols like Jimin, Suga, Haechan, etc who all weigh less than me and are taller than me and to see them called "chubby" kicked my mind into comparison mode and said "then I must be HUGE." Or "I won't ever officially be skinny or pretty until I weigh the same as them or less" because that's how a sick mind works. So not only does this infect the idols minds and encourage the bad mindset, but it can infect their fans minds to think that they aren't good enough.

I've never wanted to point fingers at this because I love it so much, but I can't be a fucking liar anymore and hide behind it because I want to get better, and I'm tired of believing that I'm too big, or that I'll always be chubby until I'm 90lbs like all the female Kpop idols. But sometimes the Kpop fandom can trigger my eating disorder. There, I said it. Fight me. Because you call thin idols chubby, and you implant this way of thinking that how they eat is okay, and that weighing 90lbs and eating 1200 calories a day is a lifestyle or that constantly restricting and not focusing on nutrients or what body type I am is how life works because IT ISNT. Some people may be that naturally, but the fact that some idols noticably change a little bit when they eat normally on breaks shows that how they are on stage isn't natural.

And to end this off as a disclaimer again, I know people don't mean to be triggering, and they don't think there's anything wrong in what they're doing (which I understand), but you also have to really take a second to think about what you're saying a little bit. Chubby is a word that is either black or white to people. Either they think it's cute, or they think it's an insult. That all depends on culture and self esteem and blah blah blah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being chubby, or that it's a bad thing to be because it is definitely NOT and I think everyone is beautiful how they're meant to be. So of you're 90lbs or 140, or 180, or 200+ or anything in between naturally you're all still beautiful and have your own necessary standards to consume to be healthy that will be different from everyone else. However, that is where the issue lies. Because most idols weren't born as thin as they are, they are usually forced and conditioned to be that way. But to help you decide whether it's okay to make these comments, ask yourself this when you're about to call an idol chubby:

1: am I calling them chubby because they're "eating well" (a normal diet) and they've started filling out?

2:Would I like it if someone I loved, respected or whom I cared about their opinion called me "chubby" after finally getting off of a restricted diet and just eating healthy but normal amounts of food?

3: If I was a Kpop media outlet and saw that they gained weight, what would I write? (Really put yourself in their shoes and be honest.)

4: Am I calling them chubby cheeks because they're just puffing them out and being cute? (Then okay, it's fine)

5: when I say this, are they really chubby? Or has my mind been twisted to think they are just like their critics?

And I know that may seem extreme, but that's how it is. You all preach about how self love should be more important in the "toxic" Kpop industry but still subconsciously encourage its toxic behavior. So instead of comments like "omg your cheeks are so chubby now! <3" or "awwww look at his tummy he gained!" Say: "Omg, you look so healthy! ", " You've been looking extra cute recently 😍" and stuff like that. Because it still gets the point across that you like seeing them healthier, but it doesn't use possibly triggering words like chubby or thick because they are neither.

Anyways that's my mini rant. I don't mean to trigger people, or point fingers because I used to do it too. But I think we all need to collectively recognize this as part of the issue, and say, "huh, maybe that could hurt their feelings a little but EVEN IF I DONT MEAN TO, OR ITS NORMAL WHERE IM FROM TO SAY AS A COMPLIMENT"

Because as one of my favorite quotes puts it in words perfectly "You don't get to decide whether you hurt someone or not." So yes, people like me are sensitive, and yes, it may not seem like a big deal to you. But honestly I've sat by and respected all of your guy's opinions and words for a while now, and I think it's now okay for me to say "hey, this kind of bugs me a bit." Without being looked at as weird or annoying.

So in the nicest way possible, say what you want, but I'm not taking this down. I've made myself clear and as understanding as possible. But people like me who have an eating disorder, had one in the past, or are on the road to developing one, or someone who is about to start one of the insane Kpop diets, needs to know that this isn't normal. And they shouldn't compare themselves to the unhealthy kpop standards like it did.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant.

~DeepSheep

[credulouscanidae]

i feel so endlessly frustrated at myself because i can see the patterns of my thoughts, know the logical and practical steps i need to take in order to fix them, and i just...cant do it. i acknowledge that these feelings cycle; im a sucker for nostalgia. i look at all of these things ive shared with my friends, all these memories and selfies and fun times, and i know i can have that again. and i know that i just look at these things and think that “things were better then”, because its so easy to trick yourself into thinking that when all youre seeing is a condensed collection of happy times. i think 2016. that was easily one of the worst years of my life, or at least the ones with the most changes. it was the 180 flip from child to adult, the year i lost so much of my identity, and gained a new one. i was mentally and physically a completely different person by the end of that year. and yet, i look through these photos tonight and see just how many jokes and fond memories i shared with my friends. maybe because i was 19/20, i still had that immaturity about me so i was able to let loose. maybe being isolated inside for 2+ months has made these selfies sting more. maybe i miss when we were all in school and not at work, when we could all plan get-togethers a little easier. idk.

but this wasnt meant to be a nostalgia rant, but its definitely triggered those thoughts.

because in all these group selfies i saw tonight i saw how insanely different i looked within a year. it was when i developed my starving-orientated disordered eating, it was when i came out as trans and so changed my hair and wardrobe. 2016 was fucking wild. and i saw glimpses of how i used to be, and how despite being in so much pain, that was the year i took a leap and finally did something for myself that would set me up for success, rather than failure. and i dont do that for myself often. and im prouod of younger me for doing that.

because it shows that, no matter how much pain i have continuously been in for almost my entire llife, that i can take steps to improving my life. even though coming out as trans is not the same as confronting trauma, i think living as a truer reflection of who i am has definitely helped me feel more comfortable and confident.

and i want to lose weight again, because the confidence i radiated at my peak ED/lowest weight was unmatched to antyhing ive ever felt before. Ive gained a bit of the weight back (which funny enough since being on hrt i still look different/different weight distribution), but i want to lose it again in a healthy way. and i know i have to get out of my feedback loops and actualy work for it, as hard as fuck as it may be.

i dunno man. im nearly 24. i know thats still 6 years left of my 20s, but if ive learned anything from the past few years, its that they go by fast and i will be pushing 30 before i know it. and i dont want to be fucking 30 years old and still not have worked myself out. i mean, its ok if me or others havent, but i just. i dont know. i dont want to turn 30 and say “aha cool thats 20 years i have been extremely suicidal and self harming and full of trauma and brain rot”

which is why, as hard as it is, im really trrying to get the ball rolling on geting diagnosed with whatever-the-fuck-i-have. getting the ball rolling for me has taken ...well...ive received it, convinced myself its not worth it, and stop it. i cant keep running away from help. its discouraging when your professional is a bit shit so. idk. i know ya gotta keep trying. 

i need to start an exercise routine, just doing my daily walks again would help so much, because my body is in so much pain from a sedentary lifestyle. 

the most ive done is actually start drawing daily, which was previously really hard for me to do. im proud of myself for that. i want to release my webcomic, i want to consistently do commissions, and i cant do any of my artistic goals with my previous workflow i only have just managed to improve on.

and thats the hardest thing about being mentally ill. you have to put more effort in to survive, the odds are stacked against you, and you have to set up and stick to methods that’ll help, even though that means fighting against symptoms that discourage and impact u so severely. and it also means some days you cant fight it, and you have to give up. relapse happens. im just tired OF it happening.

though, i thankfully feel different. as a teen, i felt there was no way out besides suicide, as a fresh adult i realized there is hope, and i have ambitions and something to give to this world, but i was still very suicidal, and still lived wallowing and unable to get out. but as a young adult, i know i have to set up my life now to pave the path for the future. ive always been screaming for a release,and that release used to be suicide. now? my release is mental wellness. and fuck, its the much harder path to take. bpd, cptsd, whatever, it rots my brain and drags me down and makes me act on bad habits and behaviours, but dammit. one day im going to get that release.

maybe not all of it, maybe not till im 40.

but one day.

im going to look back and see how i am now as how i used to be, not what i still am.

maybe one day i’ll experience that release..

[cmncisspnandmore]

Don’t let me go, part 5

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader

Warnings: Anorexia, eating disorders, depression, drug use, mentions of past character death, extreme fluff? is that a warning

~~~

“Flight 236 to Arlington Virginia will begin boarding in 5 minutes.” The intercom chimes above your head. You bounce your knees nervously, and your fingers pluck at the threads of your jeans. Sitting in an airport is something you hadn't done in a long time. You were used to BAU jet, you hadn’t flown on a regular airplane since you started at the BAU. You felt like everyone was staring at you but you didn't know why.

“Y/n, relax, I can feel you shaking over here,” Spencer twists a piece of your hair around his finger, you nod. Once we got on that flight we would be heading back to Quantico so we could get the stuff we needed from our desks and lockers. Then Spencer would drive us to his apartment so he could pack a bag and then he would be temporarily moving into your second bedroom in your small two bedroom townhouse.

“Sorry im just nervous… I know we have a few days before the first doctors appointment, but even the thought of having to talk to someone about what i feel…” You look down at your hands, they shake in your lap.

“Hey,” Spencer puts one of his long fingers under my chin and lifts it, “i’m going to be right here with you.” He smiles as the intercom chimes again, this time calling first class to board. You smile slightly, as he stands and offers you his hand. You take it as grab the small carry on bag you brought, and Spencer digs the tickets out of his pocket.

As you make your way up to the gate, the line of people start to form, passengers waiting to be boarded. You follow behind Spencer who seems like being in a civilian airport is the most normal thing for two FBI agents. The clerk at the desk smiles as Spencer hands her the tickets and she checks over the dates and times.

“Have a good flight!” She smiles as you make your way to the plane. As soon as you step into the plane your heart races, and you feel slightly sick. This was real, this was happening. Your face pales and your head starts to swim, you start to worry that the two pieces of toast with butter Spencer coaxed you to eat will make an appearance.

Spencer notices you aren't as close anymore and turns to you, his brows knit together as he takes in your panicked expression. Grabbing your hand Spencer drags you to your seat and pushes you into it, he quickly takes the bags and stows them in the overhead compartment. He then takes his seat next to you and grabs your face in his hands, stroking your cheekbones softly with his thumbs.

“Y/n, hey, breathe, you’re going to be okay. You’re gonna make it through this, i promise.” He coos, as hot tears streak your cheeks.

“What if i cant get better… What if i die…” You whisper, your eyes squeezing shut, as the rest of the passengers board and make their ways to their seats.

“You are not going to die, you will get better. I know youre scared right now, and i know that you think you are never going to be okay again but i promise you will be. 80% of people who recieve treatment for an eating disorder make a full recovery. But lets not focus on that right now, how about we just sit back and enjoy the flight, and we can process all this at your place okay?” Spencer pushes some of your hair back from your forehead.

With a quiet okay, and a small nod you manage to get yourself back under control. As you sit back in your chair the flight attendants make their way down the aisle and check the overhead compartments and you buckle your seat belts. As the attendents start to go over the safety protocol. Eventually their voices drown out as you stare out the window.

Its funny, how up until the other day you felt completely in control of your life and now you felt as if everything was spiralling out from under your feet. You knew the reason you loved your eating disorder so much, in a weird messed up way, was because it gave you control. It was the only thing you could control, you couldn’t control your job, or how many people died. You couldn’t control what you felt for a certain doctor. You couldn’t control getting older or the toll stress took on your body. But you could control how much you ate. How long you could fast: you could control your eating disorder. Or so you thought. Maybe you were spiraling and in your mind you were just feigning control. Your mind raced as the plane took off and soared into the sky. You lean your head back against the seat.

Maybe you wouldn’t live, maybe you would die. And then, maybe just maybe you would not feel so guilty for dragging Spencer into this.

You glance over at him, he’s got his nose buried in a book, although this time he seems to be taking his time with it. His brown curls are falling into his face, and his brow is furrowed in concentration.

He looked so in his element, and to know that once you landed, he would surely be going to get every book about eating disorders he could and devour them.

Spencer looks up at you after a moment. A small smile on his face, as he glances at you.

“You okay?” He asks, putting his thumb in the book and closing it slightly.

“Yeah I’m okay, thank you for earlier. And everything… I feel like I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything, I would do anything to keep you around. Besides, if you’re gone I’m sure the team would miss having you with them. They really do admire you, and you can always make them laugh. Even Hotch. That doesn’t happen very often.”

“Maybe. But maybe they just think I’m a burden..” you drop one of your hands onto the arm rest.

Spencer reaches over and entwines his fingers with yours.

“No one, thinks your a burden. You are a beautiful young woman. You’re just going through a hard time right now.”

“If you say so.”

“Who else would be around to listen to me ramble about random things. And who would let me fall asleep on their couch? You. You have more good in you than you think. This isn’t a conversation that can happen here. Because honestly It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.” Spencer squeezes your hand lightly.

“Okay.. we can talk more when we are at my place.” You try to give him a small smile but you’re sure it doesn’t reach your eyes

“Just know that I wouldn’t do this for just anyone.” Spencer runs his thumb across your knuckles.

“Thank you Spence..” you try to pull your hand back but his grip tightens as he goes back to his book. For the rest of the flight Spencer kept his hand in yours or was softly stroking your thigh over the fabric of your jeans.

As you got closer, your anxiety got worse but the feeling of his hand on your thigh or gently squeezing your hand helped keep some of the fear at bay.

“Hello everyone, welcome to Arlington Virginia! We hope you all had a great flight! And have a good rest of your day!” The flight attendants voice chimed. And slowly everyone started to stand and grab their bags.

As you started to walk towards the front of the gate you wondered if it was too late to run. But when you glanced back Spencer’s reassuring smile gave you the small boost you needed to start on this long long road to recovery.

~~~~

Tag List

Criminal Minds: @morcialovechild @banananna99 @cynbx

Dont let me go: @itshaleighyo7 @galaxygallade @drw0301bieber @multifandom-ramblings @gothamsmarvel @neonshadowkilljoy @imaginativefanatic