#when they are violent and throw them around in that space - when they are homophobic in that space | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

russilton · 1 year

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I understand the point you're trying to make about George and homophobic comments but can you stop likening the very real oppression that Lewis is the victim of to some ignorant twitter comments on a white driver with a girlfriend?! Lewis is literally attacked in real-life by the kkk fanbase of that vile sport, ex champions throw around violently racist and homophobic slurs towards him without any pushback, stewards publicly wish for him to burn in his car (yes this has happened more than once), his literal championship was stolen to make space for their "great white hope" (in their words), other drivers have victim-blamed Lewis for years of racist abuse. This is the level of oppression that Lewis has dealt with in the sport, don't ever compare his situation to anyone else. I know you won't post this because white queers hate addressing their racism but you need to stop talking about Lewis if you insist on using him as a prop for your ship. You remind me of Barca fans who claim Gavi is oppressed due to sports heckling while a whole stadium chants racist abuse to Vini. In the wake of the discourse centering the racist abuse that black athletes face in Europe, it's asinine to compare a black athlete's situation with a white one. On that note, I have yet to see you speak up on the racism and homophobia that Lewis is subjected to, but you're always prepared to paint your cishet white fav as oppressed.

I spent a very long time trying to figure out how to answer this ask, most of the day if I'm honest, because while I’m always willing to learn, I also think some of the things you’ve said here just aren’t true, and the fact that I’ve made you feel that they are means I need to be clearer with what I’m expressing.

At no point did I ever, ever, ever intend for it to sound like I was saying what George is dealing with currently is anywhere close to what Lewis deals with on a daily basis. And I don’t think that’s what I said at all, but if it came off that way, it’s something I want to change.

For the sake of transparency, I've made an edit to the original post to clarify my point. I understand now it might have come away belittling to seem like I was equating a more isolated incident to something larger and much more complex, and I'm sorry for that, it was just the only incident I could come to at the time.

I’m not looking for anyone to come to my defence here, because I’d rather speak for myself, nor do I want to make it sound like I've never made mistakes. I've made plenty, on here included, and i've done my level best to change and listen. But if you believe I have never spoken about the racism Lewis faces, have you been around that long?

I talk about it often, and as blatantly as I can while also making clear that as a white guy, I’m not the voice that should be listened to, and that it’s better for me to promote POC speakers or link to them instead. I'm sorry you if it appears like I'm not doing it enough, Ive been trying to listen instead of speak, which is what i've been told to do in the past on here by other anons. When asks have crossed the topic, I've been blunt about the systemic racism in f1, and why it serves F1 to suppress Lewis' voice. But again, there is a limit to what I have said myself, because I don't think its right to make myself the centre focus, when it should be more informed voices.

The only reason it may seem like I do more speaking myself when it comes to homophobia around Lewis AND George, is that it's something I HAVE experienced firsthand, and can more effectively talk about. The vitriol Lewis faces for self expression and the homophobic stereotypes that pour out with it are things I've been open about before, and Lewis' own changing views on gender and gendered clothing are something I'm deeply proud of him for.

But i also need to say I want to be able to talk about multiple issues at once without it seemingly like one is standing over the other, or should detract attention. It's both true that Lewis faces abuse that the officials surrounding F1 and even Mercedes itself will sweep under the rug or belittle, AND that the torrent of Homophobic abuse George is facing needs to be addressed no matter his sexuality or relationship status due to the effect it'll have on his fans.

I care less about how George feels as someone who isn't routinely oppressed and able to easily access support, and more about how formula one continues to absolve fans of extremely bigoted behaviour under the umbrella of calling them a bad outliers rather than addressing the root issues of the sports own willing ignorance and allowance of hateful behaviours from stewards, marshals, team staff and even other drivers. It's not about how the drivers feel, but how minority fans are pushed out in favour of the toxic cesspool f1 has happily encouraged the growth of in order to rake in their money, rather than address. There is not a single f1 comment section on any team, or official social page i would willingly step into, because It is never anything but filled with the worst voices that f1 just.. ignores. Until they're booing Max Verstappen on track, and we're all demanded to be nicer to him, even as he continues to stoke the kinds of fans that have called me every slur in the book and told me to off myself. There is a reason I only interact with F1 on tumblr of all places, it is legitimately the only site I feel safe to do so.

I was a Lewis fan before I was a George fan, and I think I will always find a closer home in him than I will with any other driver. No driver has stood up quite as vocally for issues both close to home for me and issues the world over. No other driver has stuck his neck out the same way or made me feel quite as allowed into a traditionally cis het white space. I only became a motorsport fan because Lewis made me feel like there was a space for people like me.

#asks #anonymous #wank/rants #tw: racism #tw: homophobia #mark rambles #i think im going to turn anons back off again soon #i love being able to talk to everyone but this has been #detrimental to my mental health and is forcing me to lean too much on friends #and that's not fair for them #I’m afraid I can’t comment on the football comparisons #the only football I actively keep up with is ted lasso #I don’t know who gavi or Barca are

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all-his-candy-necklaces · 1 year

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my heart is heavy and has been heavy for some time now. long time. and not just because of my little brother's death -- but it definitely has much to do with it-- but also because i am, to some degree, adversely being affected by the anti-trans bills and laws and rhetoric and subsequent abusive language surrounding lgbtq+ and trans individuals.

and obviously it is intended to produce such an effect :/

and i feel bad for myself and subsequently feel bad, depressed, upset, sad, irritated, oppressed by the aforementioned thoughts, and also find myself feeling for those around me who are also part of the community and yet also face their own adversity. Especially given the volatile, flat out hateful and ignorant rhetoric and legislation that is being passed against LGBTQ+ people .

i met a trans person at work named mason and it just reminds me of the climate we are in . so many laws being passed against trans people. trans children. against children. and it carves me up inside when these grown people will openly be transphobic and homophobic and racist etc in front of kids . and they don't even care because no one wants to treat them like children . all these laws are hurting kids. trans kids. lgbtq+ kids . and it is things like that that just aggravated me, incense me, and shatter me. i know what its like to be a queer child trying to "grow up" in various spaces and environments where it just seems you're not welcomed. not invited . not wanted .

speaking personally, i "grew up" in a very unstable, volatile, unpredictable, violent, abusive house where my malignant narcissist of a father constantly screamed at us, insulted us, beat me, hit me, was homophobic towards me. many of his 'family members' were homophobic towards me and knew that my father abused me verbally, physically, emotionally. they all knew and partook in abusing a child because no one was going to say anything.

and so, before going into a tangent, i had a very abusive, traumatic, dreary , difficult childhood and then being a child and being queer is obviously not easy. and this is what i wanted to piece together : that being a child and having to rely on grown people whilst said grown people are openly hostile, abusive, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted towards you is an immense and damaging hurdle.

going to school, being bullied and tormented at school by others for your sexuality. people constantly asking if you're gay or a fag or like dick to purposefully intimidate you, bully you, torment you, and once again make you feel like you don't belong .

having to go back 'home' and being abused and screamed at by my father who was also homophobic . when did i ever just get to be a kid ? when did i ever just get to worry about........ nothing ? and that's the thing........ i was always worried . constantly on fight or flight mode. and people need to start acknowledging and realizing the trauma and purposefully crafted and insidious hurdles that we are throwing at mere children by passing these anti-lgbtq and anti-trans bills.

i know what it's like being that scared, depressed, suicidal , confused, lonely queer kid who sees these things that are happening around and to me --the open homophobia from people around you and society, the bullying, the hatred, the open discrimination and ignorance-- and wondering why i should even think life is worth living if the world seemingly doesn't want me here . i have been suicidal many times throughout my life and my adolescents and now and i am not in my thirties yet . why don't we take these things into consideration when making this bills and promulgating this discriminatory and harmful rhetoric? its not that they don't realize these things, its that they don't care .

and that nonchalance and indifference that you feel and get from people who don't care about you, who don't care about who you are, and only want you dead because you're queer is something that you come to see all too well .

these are children that are being harmed and who are dying because they're not getting access to gender affirming care, to therapy, to actually supporting and listening to them . if you listened you would know that no one is "forcing this" on anyone . its who they are . half of trans people will attempt suicide . half of them . remember that when you see children and see children's faces and know that these bills and transphobia and homophobia and hatred doesn't just affect grown people . oh no. these are children that are being killed on purpose . they love to say "this is what kids are being exposed to" when talking about paraphernalia that supports pride and anyone who isn't heteronormative . but why is the same not said about these bills and the openly anti-queer rhetoric that is being espoused ?

children aren't being harmed because of some t shirt with a pride flag on it . they're being harmed by society, the world at large, and supposed grown individuals .

i miss my little brother so much .his birthday is next week and i would say my heart would collapse but it just feels empty right now . i think about him , i wish he were with us, but he's not. and it is incredibly hard for my mother . i saw her yesterday and she looked distraught and depressed. and how could one not be ? i tell her don't stop yourself from feeling that way , because it is not a one and done thing, even if it is so fucking hard .

what really breaks me is knowing he was getting bullied at school for being neurodivergent . because he had learning disabilities and a low IQ, had asperger's, and had difficulties socializing, and was held back twice, those terrible teenagers were taunting him and mocking him and asking him why he was held back and if he was "dumb or something" . he told my sister that he "didn't know what to do anymore". and it wasn't just the bullying and the difficulties from aspergers, but also struggling with depression, struggling to continue "life" through a pandemic . being unsure of what their purpose was . i think just feeling all around unhappy and depressed. and i told my mother that he was depressed . depression kills. believe me, depression kills. i have been right there so many times in my own life . i have stood right there so many times in my own life at various intervals . no one has to tell me "i don't understand how someone so young could take their life" or how someone could take their life . you don't have to tell me because i have stood right there so many times.

wanting to die

wishing i was dead

thinking that things would be better if i was dead

and those were the same words that my little brother told me last year when he told me that sometimes he thought things would be better if he was dead . he told me he didn't know what his "purpose" in life was, he told me he was tired of going to doctor's appointments and seeing specialists for Asperger's and whatnot. he had been placed in a psychiatric hospital twice for self harm and depression . i remember seeing cuts on his arms because he was self harming . i know that things we're so difficult and probably made no sense . my mom told me about how they had to take him to the emergency room at night a couple of times because he was having an anxiety attack and started self harming. it breaks my heart to think that and to know this because i have struggled and faced so much strife in my few years, and to see my little brother go through it as well made me feel like a parent who couldn't protect their child . and i think that is what really makes me aches and feel so empty ; he was my little brother but he was also like my child . but....... i also know that it is simply not possible to protect your child or a child from everything . i also know that very well because i was that child that wasn't protected and was exposed to many difficult things early on .

i know what it's like to feel like i don't belong or like things would be better if i was dead or i wish the bullying and the abuse and the torment and hatred would stop .

it pains me to know that he felt that too and also felt different things that i have never experienced . the things he told me shattered me . but im glad he told me. im glad he confided in me because i always told him i loved him, and that we loved him . always .

the truth does hurt.

but we can't protect them from everything.

there is no doubt that we tried . my mom did everything, we did everything . and i told my mother "we did everything we could, and now there's nothing left for us to do. its out of our control now." we did everything we could. i dont doubt that. and now theres nothing left for us to do . i know that life is not fair, and that you can't protect someone from everything . but, like lana said, "sometimes life is hard and the road gets tough, i dont know why" . i know we always want answers , but sometimes there are more questions than answers .

i just wish i could do something to make my mom feel better but i also know she faces a pain that i know nothing about . i just hope that we can find something in this nothingness . i dont know what it is.....

i miss him so much . but i would never want someone to live a life that they don't enjoy or that they can't enjoy . that's not a life. that's not living. and i know all too well what it is like to live for others than to live for yourself . and that might as well be an existence, not a life.

i miss him so much . i love him so much . there are a plethora of feelings but no words . well, that's why the most profound things in life are inexpressible

i dont know . i dont what happens

but we never know

protect kids. protect queer kids. protect trans kids.

protect queer people

#!!!#writing #tw depression #tw self harm #lgbtq #expressing #about me #mood #life #tw suicide #death #pondering #protect queer kids #protect queer people #mental health #mental illness #homophobia #anti trans legislation

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odos-bucket · 3 years

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In Which Each of Bruce’s Kids Come Out to Him

and then he comes out to them

Dick

They’re working on opposite sides of the coffee table in one of the manor’s more habitable sitting room’s. It’s become a regular part of their weekday routine: Bruce finishes up whatever office work he has to do, while Dick does his homework, and talks about his day. Usually there are snacks involved. A parenting book Bruce had read recommended trying to get their work done together. It’s a good way to keep connected with their increasingly busy schedules.

“So anyways…” Dick’s story is starting to slow down a little bit, and the shift in tone has Bruce glancing up from his paperwork. “I should probably tell you, since, well, everyone knows at school now.” His voice is still conversational, and relaxed, but a little distracted.

Bruce shifts him his full attention.

“See, what happened was Cameron Josephs in my third period biology class came to school with nail polish on today, which I noticed with my clever detective skills, and promptly dismissed as unimportant, and everyone else noticed with their nosy pre-teen skills, and promptly lost their shi- I mean, minds over. And that was Mrs. Horton’s class, and she has absolutely no control over her students, so it sort of became this whole big thing. Kids were making fun of him, and other kids were yelling at them to knock it off, and he was just trying to do his work, but the rest of the class got into a big fight. And then Brad Cormick- he’s on my basketball team- made a homophobic joke, and we were sitting at the same table, and I could tell that he wanted me to laugh at it. So I told him to shut up, and said that I was bisexual, not that any of it really had anything to do with anything else that was going on, but it did get him to shut up, which was good. Except that I think it may have been because I have more friends than Cameron does, which is totally unfair, and everyone should just be nice to everyone else no matter what, but also I guess not really the point… The point is, yeah, I’m bi. Oh, also frog dissection got moved to tomorrow because one kid threw up.”

Dick takes a deep breath (finally) and a long sip of his juice, before immediately returning to doodling athletic stick figures in the margins of his algebra homework.

Bruce studies him for a moment, trying to figure out what kind of response is expected of him, what would be helpful for Dick to hear. He’s really not very good at this kind of thing.

He’s saved from the risk of putting his foot in his mouth when the science class story continues.

“Are frogs really that gross? I don’t think they are. But I guess our basement is filled with guano, so maybe my tolerance is heightened by regular exposure to the substance most frequently equated with insanity.”

Dick hadn’t seemed nervous before coming out, or relieved after. And if he’s not going to make it into a big deal then neither is Bruce, even if a part of him feels pleasantly warmed by the casual show of trust.

Jason

Bruce loves picking up his kids from school. It’s not something that his schedule allows him to do very often, and Jason- as Dick had been before him- always seems pleasantly surprised to see him. It’s a little thing in the grand scheme, but it’s just nice, normal. And he would never say it out loud- he’s not sure why, he knows he should- but he cherishes the little bit of extra time spent with his boys.

But today Jason isn’t happy to see him.

Bruce pulls up to the curb, and only has to scan the crowd of teenagers for a few seconds before spotting him. He’s on a bench with another student, their shoulders pressed together despite wide swaths of free space available on either side of them. Jason’s pointing out something in a textbook, while the other boy plays with his free hand.

Bruce pulls slightly to the side to let another car drive around him, figuring he’ll give Jason a few minutes to finish up, and notice that Bruce is there, rather than call out and risk embarrassing him.

It’s not even a full minute before they make eye contact across the lot, and immediately something in Jason’s expression changes. His eyes go wide and startled, his posture suddenly tightened. In one fast motion he shuts his book with both hands, muttering something to his friend as he practically throws himself off the bench.

Now feeling on high alert, Bruce sweeps an intense gaze over the school yard for anything that could have upset his son. He doesn’t manage to spot anything before Jason arrives at the car and pulls himself into the backseat (where he never sits, unless the front is already occupied). He starts talking before Bruce can ask what’s wrong.

“That wasn’t what it looked like!”

Bruce frowns, and looks over both Jason and the area in front of the school in an attempt to identify something that isn’t like how it looks.

“He just-“ Jason flinches, seemingly realizing something wrong with whatever he’d been about to say, and cuts himself off with a sharp breath. “I mean-“

Feeling lost is by no means a new part of parenthood for Bruce, and he’s sure it’s something he’ll experience many more times going forward. But, god, he really hates not understanding what’s going on, not knowing what to do, and he doubts that he’ll ever get used to it.

“Jason,” he tries. “Slow down.”

“Yes, sir,” Jason answers automatically. “Sorry.”

It’s been over a year since Jason’s called him ‘sir’ and the sudden reintroduction of the honorific sends a cold chill down Bruce’s spine. For a second they just stare at each other, with what Bruce is pretty sure are matching expressions of partially concealed horror.

“Jason,” he says more quietly.

“I know,” Jason interrupts. “I’m sorry. Please-“ He stops himself, covering his mouth before he can finish the thought, and then just as quickly lowering the hand back to his lap.

Another silence follows, short but harrowing. Then finally Bruce makes a rare admission

“I have no idea what’s happening right now.”

Jason stares at him, and the wider his eyes get the younger he looks, and the more Bruce wants to scoop him up into his arms. But he just waits, and tries not to look too expectant.

“I-I was holding hands with Derek,” Jason breaths out.

“…Alright?” He’s heard that name before. Jason doesn’t have as many friends at school as Dick had, so they’re a little easier to keep track of, even if Bruce has only ever met any of them in passing. “Is this someone you’re worried I’ll embarrass you in front of?” He asks after a brief pause.

Jason keeps staring at him, expression crinkling as his breathing grows erratic.

Bruce finds himself automatically exaggerating his own inhales and exhales, resting the side of one hand against his sternum, to remind Jason of some of their breathing exercises.

“That’s it, chum,” he says as he sees it slowly begin to work. “Everything’s okay.” For all he knows- or doesn’t know- right now it might not even be true, but dammit for his kid he will make everything okay.

“Everything’s okay,” Jason obediently echoes.

Bruce takes his hand off his chest, and starts to reach towards him. But Jason flinches away from him, not as violently as he had back when they were still new to each others’ lives, but it’s enough to make Bruce feel sick. He can practically feel the wrongness of it squeezing his heart into shards as he slowly withdraws his arm back into the front seat. He had truly thought that they had gotten past this.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” he says softly, a small concession to the part of himself that wants to beg his son’s forgiveness for whatever he’s done to make him afraid. “I’m so sorry.”

Jason’s not looking at him anymore. His head is down, and his gaze is fixed on his knees.

Bruce hesitates.

“I’ll never hurt you.” It’s a reassurance he had thought they were past the point of needing, but if they aren’t he’ll say it as many times as he has to. “Never.”

“Are you mad?”

“Is there something particular that I’m supposed to be mad about?” Bruce asks carefully.

“... That I was holding hands with a guy,” Jason elaborates, after a steadying breath.

Oh, Bruce is an idiot. What kind of detective is he if he can’t even- He cuts himself off, realizing he can’t wait too long to respond to that.

“Of course not. That’s what this is about?”

“I never meant for you to find out,” is the response he gets. And doesn’t that just hurt like hell to hear?

“That you like boys?” Bruce confirms.

“And girls, both. But I didn’t know what you’d think, so I figured if I couldn’t be sure it was better to keep it to myself.”

Bruce closes his eyes, taking a second to calm his own breathing.

“I never want you to feel like that,” he says. “About anything. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear. I love you, Jaylad, that isn’t contingent on anything.”

I wish I could have protected you from whatever it was that made you feel like this was something you had to hide. He doesn’t say it.

Jason is finally looking at him again, gaze thoughtful and careful. A long moment passes, before he surprises- and momentarily terrifies- Bruce by getting out of the car. But before he can react to that, Jason’s climbing into the passenger seat, and after a second of hesitation, leaning into Bruce’s side.

“Okay,” he says quietly, sounding a little choked up.

Bruce puts an arm around his shoulders. The closeness is a balm after the pain of having his son flinch away from him.

Tim

Tim isn’t supposed to come over today. His parents are in town, and Bruce had made a point of hiding his reluctance when he’d given Robin the week off, chastising himself for the empty nest syndrome he has no right to be experiencing- at least in regards to this particular child.

So he’s surprised when he hears Alfred’s throat clear, and looks up to see both Alfred and Tim lingering in the doorway to his office. It would be odd to see him here at this time of day even if they had been planning to go on patrol; sunset is still a few hours off.

Bruce immediately has a bad feeling. He knows it’s commonplace for the Drakes to disappear unexpectedly partway through whatever length of time they were meant to be spending at home. As Batman it’s made his life easier numerous times. As a parent it’s beyond his comprehension. If he still had his boys at home- but he can’t think about that, not without breaking down, and if Tim’s just been abandoned that’s the last thing he needs.

As he approaches the door, Alfred’s pointed look, and Tim’s vacant expression confirm that he’s right to be concerned.

“Tim.” He keeps his voice neutral. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

He picks up on Alfred’s glare a fraction of a second too late to realize that he’s said the wrong thing.

“I’m sorry.” There’s something miserable in Tim’s voice, that makes Bruce want to bundle him up in a blanket. Before he can assure him that he has nothing to apologize for, Alfred cuts in.

“I told Master Tim that he’s welcome to stay with us for as long as he needs.”

Bruce nods automatically, looking down at Tim, who’s glassy expression looks a million miles away.

“Tim,” he says gently, eventually drawing the boy’s gaze, but feeling disconcerted by how delayed the response is.

Alfred leaves with a comment about putting a kettle on for tea, closing the door firmly but softly behind him. The sound it makes as it pulls all the way shut still makes Tim twitch.

“Do you want to sit down?” Bruce offers.

Tim stumbles a bit on his way to the couch. He’s so out of it; He won’t be patrolling tonight, even if his schedule’s suddenly open for it. Bruce sits down on the other side.

“Are they gone again?” He asks, trusting fully that the vaguely worded question will be completely understood.

There’s a worrying delay before Tim shakes his head, giving Bruce ample time to wish for Alfred back before he can register the response enough to be surprised by it.

“So...“ he begins uncertainly, before being cut off.

“I’m sorry,” Tim says again. “I don’t mean to be a bother.”

“You aren’t a bother, Tim.”

The- admittedly somewhat monotone- assurance just gets him a shrug.

“Can you tell me what happened?” He tries.

“Do I have to?” Tim asks after a long silence. “Can’t I just stay here?”

Bruce frowns.

“Of course you can stay here. But I think I really need to know what’s going on.”

Tim stares at him, eyes shining, mouth opening and closing several times before he speaks.

“Can I- Alfred says I can tell you something, and you won’t get mad?”

“Well, that depends on what it is,” Bruce says, thinking back on every time a robin has had something to tell him, but first wanted confirmation that he wouldn’t be angry.

Tim seems to shrink at his words, his breath catching audibly as he curls in on himself. Fuck, Bruce is bad at this.

“What do you have to tell me?” He asks.

“Well now I don’t know if I want to!” It almost comes out as a yell, strained by the sound of held back tears, and Bruce is a little taken aback.

“I’ll probably find out at some point,” he reasons.

There’s a beat of silence, and then Tim chokes on something that sounds like a suppressed sob.

No, no, no no. This isn’t supposed to happen. Bruce reaches out for him in an awkward and hastily aborted movement.

“I can’t,” Tim says after a minutes, tears streaking over his pale cheeks. “If you don’t-“ His voice catches. “I need you to let me stay here.”

Bruce’s heart hurts as he scooches a little closer, reaching out to rest a hand- hopefully not too awkwardly- on Tim’s shoulder.

“Of course you can stay here,” he reiterates. “I told you you could stay here. Even if I’m mad at you you can stay here. If you-“ He searches for a moment. “-Took the batmobile out on a joyride, and drove it into the harbor, I’ll be mad at you, but you’ll still have a place here. One will never have anything to do with the other.”

Tim makes a noise that’s over too quickly for Bruce to be able to tell if it had been a laugh, or just more crying.

“Did Jason do that?” He asks in a hoarse voice.

“Dick,” Bruce corrects.

This time Tim definitely snorts, which has Bruce smiling in spite of himself.

“Did you do something worse than that?” He asks.

It’s meant to be a joke, but Tim makes an unhappy face at the question.

“I- no!” He says, defensive, but confident. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Bruce gives his shoulder a squeeze before releasing it.

“Then why would I be mad at you?”

The humor that had begun to make its way into Tim’s expression disappears again, and Bruce curses himself.

“Mom and Dad were mad,” he says quietly.

Bruce scowls. He tries pretty hard not to let his dislike of Jack and Janet show around Tim- though he’s long suspected the young detective can tell- but it’s harder to hide sometimes than others.

“You said they were still home,” he remembers. “Tim, did they kick you out?” He does his best to keep the anger out of his voice.

And then he finds himself doing his best to keep the anger off of his face when it takes Tim a moment to answer the question.

“I don’t think forever,” he says uncertainly. “Just- They said they needed time to think about it, to d-decide what to do.”

The slight stutter puts him over the age, and fury starts to trickle into Bruce’s voice.

“To think about what?” He demands. Hell, that place is more Tim’s home than it is theirs. They have absolutely no right to ask him to leave! And where the hell do they expect him to go? Bruce forces himself to clench his jaw, and take deep breaths.

“...I’m gay,” Tim finally says.

Bruce stares at him for the second that it takes for the words to register, and connect back to the rest of the conversation.

“That’s it?”

He’s wincing at himself before the question is all the way out of his mouth, immediately convinced that he’s said the wrong thing again. But then, to his immense relief, he realizes that Tim has started laughing. It isn’t deep, or sustained. His voice is still a little weak, and his eyes are still a little red. But he’s definitely laughing, and Bruce realizes vaguely that a robin laughing is still his favorite sound in the world.

“That’s it,” Tim confirms, on the tail end of his laugh.

“Oh, Tim.”

Bruce doesn’t give himself a chance to second guess the motion before he pulls the boy into a hug, satisfied that it was the right course of action when he feels Tim melt against him.

“Of course I’m not mad, of course I’m not mad,” he repeats like a mantra. “I’m sorry I let you think I would be. You’re right, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

A few seconds pass, and he realizes there’s a wet patch at his shoulder where Tim’s face is buried. Bruce freezes, totally unsure of what he’s done wrong this time.

“I’m sorry,” Tim breaths out. “I- thank you. Thank you! I don’t know what I would have done if- I- I don’t want to be alone!”

“Not alone,” Bruce promises. “You’re not alone. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Tim presses closer, and Bruce takes it as a cue to tighten his hold.

Alfred finds them like that a few minutes later, Tim curled up in his arms, while Bruce cycles through reassurances. The look they exchange is enough to confirm that they’re both thinking the same thing: this kid is ours.

Cass

One day Cass hangs a little pride flag up on her door. Later in the week when she catches Bruce glancing at it, she comes up to him, gives the flag a meaningful nod, before just saying, “Girls!” in a happy voice, giving him a hug, and disappearing down the hall.

Damian

Bruce can identify every member of his family by their knock, but Damian’s is particularly distinctive. Not just because it tends to come from a lower part of the door, but because Damian has cultivated a strong knock, the way businessmen cultivate a strong handshake. It’s a very confident and determined sound, that he often finds himself stifling a smile at, knowing that that isn’t at all the intended reaction.

“Come in,” he calls, and there’s no pause before Damian strides into his office, confident as ever. When he speaks however, the undercurrents of his voice tell a different story.

“Father, there is something I wish to discuss with you.” There are a few hesitations, that don’t quite manage to turn into stutters in his voice, ones it’s unlikely anyone outside of their family would notice.

Bruce doesn’t comment on them, just nods for Damian to sit down and continue.

His legs don’t fully reach the floor. Something else that Bruce has learned not to let himself smile at.

“Grayson says…” he begins confidently, before trailing off.

Bruce just raises an eyebrow for him to continue, not feeling like he has enough information to put anything together from at the moment.

“Richard says,” Damian continues more carefully. “He came out to you as bisexual when he was around my age?”

Bruce nods. He has a feeling that he knows where this is going this time.

“He did.”

“He said that you were okay with it?”

Bruce nods again.

“Dick is my son. My love for him isn’t conditional, certainly not on that. There’s nothing wrong with not being straight.”

Damian had broached the topic using Dick as a proxy, so Bruce had followed his lead and assumed that Damian would know to automatically apply the assurance to himself. But Damian’s face just falls into a puzzled frown.

“So why…” he begins, before changing track. “Richard isn’t your biological son.”

Bruce frowns back.

“Damian, you know that doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t love your siblings any less because they’re not-”

“I know,” Damian cuts in. “It isn’t about loving us differently.” He says it very matter of factly. “I have the ability to carry on your bloodline, whereas they do not.”

“That ability isn’t an obligation,” Bruce says, wondering why his kids never seem to be able to just worry about normal things. “And it’s certainly not something that you need to be thinking about at thirteen years old.”

Damian nods slowly, staring down at the desk with a look of intense concentration, before slowly raising his gaze to Bruce.

“Mother and Grandfather said that you wouldn’t like it, if I wasn’t interested in girls,” he says quietly.

Bruce sighs. of-fucking-course they did. He gets up from his chair, and moves around the desk to kneel in front of Damian.

“Well they’re wrong,” he says simply. “And they had no right to lead you to believe that it would make any difference to me. Just like I don’t love your siblings any less, my love for you is no more conditional. Understand?”

It takes a moment, but Damian nods.

“All right. In which case, I suppose... I’m gay.”

“And I’m proud of you,” Bruce says, before pulling his son into a hug.

Bruce

Bruce looks at his assembled family, and begins to feel a strange sense of trepidation tickling at the edge of his consciousness.

They’re all here. Trying to get the whole family together all at once is like pulling teeth. But he told them it was important, and they all came. There have been plenty of points over the course of the years when that wouldn’t have happened. And even though they’ve all been pretty settled with each other for a while now, he never wants to take for granted having his whole family together- not that he thinks the part of him that only seems to settle when he has all of his children within arm’s reach would let him.

The comfort of having them all be together is overwhelming, but the trepidation is still there, just like it probably always will be any time he manages to round up the courage for anything resembling feelings talk.

They’re all in one of the living rooms, sprawled in a comfortable half circle across various couches and chairs.

“There’s something I wanted to tell you all,” Bruce starts to say.

“Are you dying?” Stephanie asks casually.

Beside her, Cass freezes, looking horrified.

“I’m not dying,” Bruce says quickly.

At the same time Steph rubs a hand up and down Cass’s arm and assures her she was kidding.

“Not like he’d tell us if he was,” Dick says.

He knows it’s meant to be a joke, just like Stephanie’s question had been, but it still sends a chill through him. Mostly because he can’t say for sure that Dick is totally wrong; it’s the kind of thing he easily could have kept to himself. But then he sees the uncertain frown that Damian is giving him, and Cass’s wide, anxious eyes, and decides that he has to be wrong.

“I’m not dying,” he repeats, reaching out for Tim who’s sitting closest to him, and who’s been staring very intently at the floor since the topic came up.

Tim leans into the touch without shifting his position.

“And I would tell you,” he adds seriously, feeling absolutely wracked with guilt over the fact that up until this moment he doesn’t know if he would’ve been able to claim that with any certainty.

“I swear, if there’s anything wrong with me, all of you will know as soon as possible.” By the time it comes out of his mouth, he knows he means it with total certainty.

“I think we’re all pretty tuned into the fact that there’s something wrong with you,” Jason offers, and the tension in the room breaks.

Bruce smiles despite himself. That was agonizing. Compared to that getting on with the conversation he’d previously been so apprehensive to have will be a relief.

“What did you want to tell us?” Duke asks.

“It can be… difficult for me to articulate what it means to me whenever one of you trusts me enough to share something about yourself. I thought that I owed it to all of you to return the favor, and share a… recent discovery of mine.” He stumbles through it as awkwardly as he’d expected to.

“This is weird,” Stephanie stage whispers.

“I’m bisexual,” Bruce admits.

“Bruce!” Dick says excitedly.

“Unacceptable,” Jason cuts in. “We already have enough of that nonsense in this house!”

Tim kicks him in the side.

“Well, seeing as it’s an option, I for one prefer the idea of you pursuing romantic entanglements that bear no risk of resulting in pregnancy.”

“Noted, Damian.”

“I’m happy for you, B,” Tim says. “It can be hard figuring yourself out.”

“Thank you, Tim.”

“Is that it?” Duke asks. “I mean, not that it’s not a big deal- and I’m happy for you too by the way- it’s just that most of our family meetings involve addressing some kind of crisis.”

“That’s it,” Bruce admits.

“Perhaps- seeing as we’re all here anyways- we could take this opportunity to have dinner together as a family for once,” Alfred offers.

#batfamily #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #cassandra cain #damian wayne #batman #batfam #dc #my writing #fluff and angst

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thehollowprince · 3 years

Text

Sterek, Thiam, & Queerbaiting, Oh My!

(Or how racism and homophobia suppressed the actual representation of gay men in the show that fandom so desperately claimed they wanted.)

So, I'm just going to come out and say it right off the bat: neither of these ships were actually queerbaiting. As a matter of fact, I'd say that those ships just by themselves (and the fandoms that rose around them) were low-key homophobic. The reason I say this isn't just because of the large number of women in this fandom that fetishize mlm sexuality, nor is it about those who attack anyone who has any critique of those ships, its just about the ships themselves.

Now, one could argue that those ships arose from the fandom, and that is true, forever linking canon and fanon in the worst possible way, but this is more to do with the fact that the production of this show cowtowed to the vocal fans on Twitter and put moments in there that, while not explicitly canon, was a not-so-subtle nod to those "fans" that harassed people over crack ships.

Of course, I've been over this before, the pedophilic nature of Sterek and the outright abusive elements to Thiam, but those very real complaints (from an actual gay man like myself) always fall on deaf ears or is usually met with the whole "fiction doesn't affect reality" spiel. And this is incredibly frustrating (or even downright infuriating) to those of us who have had to live with these stereotypes because of our sexuality. To this day there are people out there who equate gay men with pedophiles. That's one of the major talking points for these anti-LGBT religious groups and there's an entire group of people on the internet who are dedicated to promoting a predatory style relationship (Sterek).

What makes the popularity of Sterek so infuriating, is the fact that we had Danny right there. Danny was present in the second episode of the series. We were introduced to him before there was any kind of interaction between Stiles and Derek, and yet he is continually slept on by the fandom, and then by the production as a result of the fandom, which eventually led to Danny just disappearing from the show entirely. To add insult to injury, Danny was practically everything Fandom was crying for when it came to gay representation. He was handsome with a nice body, smart and funny, and everyone liked him, and yet there's usually cricket chirps whenever he's mentioned. Something similar happened to Scott - a character that who stuck fast to his morals and was just an all around good person, and yet so many people violently hated him. Now what could Danny and Scott have in common that made so many people look past them? Gee, I wonder?

Moving forward, once Sterek was no longer a possibility, rather than focus on, I don't know, Mason, a character that was tailor-made for the fandom, they once again make up a crack ship to flock around (Thiam) rather than focus on the actual, consensual relationship that was made up of actual gay characters.

But you may be saying to yourself, "at least these two (Theo and Liam) were around the same age", and you would be right in that regards. But what makes this ship bad, is that it's rooted entirely in first deceit and then later in physical violence. I remember very vividly seeing someone say that Liam and Theo punching each other was how they expressed their affection and I was horrified by that. How many times a day on this app do we see posts floating around that domestic violence is wrong? And then how many times do you see a ship (usually a crack ship) that a fandom loves rooted in physical violence? The disconnect is terrifying.

All of this while Mason and Corey were right there, being cute and in love and everything that fandom claims they want when it comes to representation, yet they're totally ignored in favor of the two straight characters beating the shit out of one another. This is why so many franchises revolving around these "macho men" are able to thrive, even though so many people (mostly women) in fandom claim they want softer men. And yet, whenever a softer man is presented, particularly if they're a man of color, they're brushed aside.

And that's just mlm representation! You hear almost nothing when it comes to wlw representation, unless its to get the women "out of the way".

This all comes down to the racism that permeates every level of fandom. I'm not saying this is intentional, because we've all done it. Hell, I did it. When I joined the Teen Wolf fandom, I followed pro-Sterek blogs and reblogged Sterek posts, because I wanted to be accepted in the fandom, and I bought into the propaganda that was fanon!Sterek. I read the metas and the fics and decided to believe in those instead of what I saw on the screen with my own two eyes. Thankfully, I snapped out of it, but that's why Sterek (and later Thiam) dominated fandom spaces, even making their way to polls for "Best Couple" on many websites.

And then, when these ships don't become canon, fandom screams QUEERBAITING!!! Even though those ships were something made up entirely by the fandom and never something that production considered being canon.

Another big part of how the situation gets as bad as it does is that fandom misunderstands (either accidentally or deliberately) what racism actually means. It's not just the throwing of slurs, it's the preference of the white character over the character of color, even though the latter has everything they said they wanted. Racism is reducing characters of color to stereotypes, such as a brown or brown person being violent (Tamora and Kali) or the sexually obsessed Latino (Scott) or the untrustworthy negro (Deaton and Morrell). Hell, even Boyd was thrust into the silent negro stereotype for some reason.

Now this part, this is as much the production's fault as it is the fandoms, because while the former introduced those concepts (or even if fandom thinks they introduced those concepts) fandom then takes them and blows them out of proportion. How many times have I gotten an ask from that one anon telling me that Scott was "obsessed" with Allison? How many times have I seen metas about how Deaton was "untrustworthy" because he didn't share his every waking thought? How many times did we see particular blogs slut-shame Braeden because she engaged in a consensual relationship with Derek?

And the thing about those is, yes, the original idea was introduced in the show, such as Scott's relationship with Allison or Deaton only offering advice when asked or Derek and Braeden flirting, but fandom took them and cranked them up to eleven in an effort to make these characters look horrible. This is something we don't see at all when it comes to their white counterparts. Stiles is never described as "obsessed" by the fandom despite his fixation on Lydia. Peter is almost never described as "untrustworthy" by the fans despite lying and decieving people all the time. Neither Lydia or Malia are called sluts for being sexually active despite not being in relationships.

When Derek repeatedly assaults Stiles (or Scott, not that fandom cared), it's seen as quirky or romantic (same with Thiam), but when Scott hits Isaac or Jackson, in scenes that were very specifically shown to be comedic, its seen as abusive and violent. Stiles asking Danny if he's "attractive to gay guys" or pausing after Caitlin asked him if he liked guys is deemed proof that he's bisexual, but Scott's interactions with Isaac and Danny (or even Stiles himself), where had they been a guy and a girl, it would have clearly been an intimate moment, is still considered absolutely straight by fandom.

So what's the difference?

It's the racism.

The real kicker at the end of the day here is that fans cry queerbaiting, all the while they're actively sleeping on the actual gay representation that's there. It doesn't fit their aesthetic, so they ignore it, and then wonder why mlm relationships are going down in television. I'm not saying we shouldn't want or demand more representation in media, but people can't be so ignorant as to outright ignore the representation they're given and then wonder why they're not getting more.

Well, this got way longer than I originally intended and I hope I'm not just screaming into the void, but this is an issue that's still relevant, all these years after Teen Wolf ended.

#teen wolf meta #teen wolf fandom problems #teen wolf racism #scott mccall defense squad #anti sterek #anti thiam

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dirtyrottenraskel · 3 years

Text

my take on yueki's personalities

yue

notes / personality

cocky (but also like understated confidence - r e g a l af)

kind of a nerd

maybe a little entitled, and a little bratty and suki loves to indulge her or to rile her up depending on her mood

books

seems soft but made of steel

strong sense of duty

socially intelligent - can be manipulative and suki (the dork) thinks it is so hot

aloof queen bee typa beat

supportive, both in ur day to day and in going after your big moral life goals

deep water - steady and powerful, often underestimated

untold depths, private yet surprisingly nurturing - master of deflecting away from herself

political nerd - well read, and when she has someone she trusts not to take advantage of her, she goes OFF

distrusting of most people, has been used and ignored and underestimated her whole life

patient - homegirl knows how to play the long game

excellent at pai sho / chess

she and suki have epic battles of wits - dif types of strategy but both are really into it and get a little too competitive (multiple board games have had to be replaced over the years)

loves travel bc wasn’t allowed to much, esp when she was sick

was super repressed growing up - never let her be herself or really have any sort of independence

used to sneak out and wander around in rebellion and casually sabotage plans and decisions she didn’t agree with

introverted, many opinions but keeps them to herself, discreet but well spoken

weaponizes secrets and information - doesn’t often use it but...she could

definitlyyyyy worries and overthinks and re-evaluates - worries ab social politics a lot

obsessive about picking things - wants it to be perfect

shes growing into her confidence as a leader

prefers quite intimate places

incredibly romantic

classic lit

planner for the future - visionary

kind / sweet / gentle - yes, but that’s also her “front” to a degree (seriously, i feel like she gets painted as so sweet and submissive and one dimensional by the fandom a lot of times and it freakin kills me)

INFJ-T (The Advocate) ((yes this is from 16p which i know is not super accurate but u can still catch her overall vibes from it ya know)

Creative/insightful/principled/compassionate/altruistic

sensitive/reluctant to open up/perfectionist/prone to burnout/not a fan of the ordinary

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - puppy love crushes, laugh ab it now, get into deep late night talks about responsibilities and leading, water tribe culture, prank wars (no one believes sokka when he says yue is a mean prank master (expect suki comes to see it in action lol))

katara - <> badass women friendship, totally would go to matches and protests together, tough girl shit, waterbending practice/duels - start of cautious, but then get rough in a good way bc they trust each other, they do water tribe food adventures together

toph - indulges her chaos, bonding over stupid royal upbringings, odd yet weirdly endearing pair

zuko - both sort of standoffish gay royals, but once they come to see that they are friends - take up similar spaces though, so only hang out in a group or rarely by themselves, they do hang out at like political parties and stuff when they get more comfortable together

aang - <> he has an impressive world view, yue is super studied and well read, so she and aang nerd out over past cultures together, and also their peace keeping nature, they have tea together often - usually after she and katara wipe the floor w/ each other

clothing / aesthetic:

blues and pale colors

classy and understated wealth

like those cute feminine button down shirts

dresses

like cold weather classy

complicated braids

sort of soft girl aesthetic?

pleated skirts !!!

i feel like she would wear ethically sourced fur (i don’t wear fur but idk how to get it in an ethical way - maybe it’s just fake??)

knit sweaters and skinny jeans and heeled ankle boots

light academia !!!

hella funky earrings - to mark her native pride and also cuz gay

from my readings, tattoos have a lot of cultural significance for Inuit women, and so i feel like yue would totally have some (when she comes of age ofc)

suki

notes / personality

extroverted

also very strategic

more spontaneous tho - will totally calculate the odds in a spilt second in her head and then just go for it

like still a careful planner, but willing to say fuck it, yolo if it seems right

reflects on her mistakes, but more in like a healthy way - unless it was a leadership mistake, then it eats her up inside - worries more ab keeping her girls safe and making the right call

likes lively places

total bashful romantic

manages the present and the short term - realist

loves to do lists

a little punch happy - loves to make violent threats, but also does it out of excitement and she’s just a really physical person tbh

steady, can come off as stubborn and abrasive but she really just wants what’s best for everyone she loves

harsh on herself and worries about her girls a lot

always ends up in the oddest situations

totally would kick someone’s ass for being racist/sexist/homophobic/etc

dedicated to her training and her regime

not a great cook, but she can manage

would drink monsters

has a weird relationship with femininity - took her awhile to reconcile strength and toughness and being assertive and aggressive with also wanting to feel pretty and feminine and embracing being a girl and how those things can coincide and amplify each other

abandonment issues - parents absent/dead

was imprisoned - obvi she had several almost successful escape attempts, but she got really close to breaking

was incredibly independent really early, grew up really fast and tries to make up for that now by sometimes being reckless

tough/assertive/woman of action

dry sense of humor/sarcastic - not good at nickname/pun humor tho

practical/dedicated/strong-willed/direct/honest/reliable/loyal/patient

stubborn/judgmental/difficult to relax/difficulty expressing emotions/too selfless

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - <> man they’re like platonic soulmates - she beat him up, and now they spar all the time, totally funny and crack jokes all the time, go skating together, they do shitty art together, and then show their lovers after zuko and yue come back from their high society mixers, broke her out of prison, m/f friendship !!!

katara - also sparring buddies (suki will throw down at any literally moment (and tbh so will katara)), not close but will hang in a group - go to each other for advice

toph - <> listen these two wreak havoc together, they help each other out a lot, i feel like they’re shopping buddies (similar enough style to frequent the same shops) toph knows suki won’t judge her for wanting to feel pretty and suki knows toph will be honest, they are both blunt sarcastic assholes and get along like a house on fire

zuko - <> shows zuko how to like,,,enjoy things (and how to let go of some of that pressure to be always right and the adult and in charge bc they were raised with so much responsibility on their shoulders even tho they were just kids)? she is also super protective of him (once she trusts him), one of the only ppl who can match suki fully in hand to hand combat, both do the Disappointed Parent Look when the group falls into chaos, but by themselves, the two of them end up in hijinks

aang- suki enjoys his optimism and they’re just chill bros, they love exploring abandoned placed together

clothing / aesthetic

sporty and skater mixed

ripped jeans, crewnecks, vans

green and yellow and dark red

gym clothes/athleisure - lifting style gym clothes - cut off t-shirts and bike shorts

skirts too, likes to play into femininity

she’s a gold jewelry kinda girl - but stuff that won’t hinder her movements

necklaces that end in the hollow of her throat & occasionally rings

definitely cuffs all of her jeans (it’s just bisexual culture ya know)

so many crop tops - some came like that, some were more of a diy project

yueki’s relationship!!!

nerd/jock solidarity

feel the burden of responsibility and the weight on their shoulders

they create a safe space between them, full of trust and warmth and vulnerability

yue will read suki sappy passages from poetry books while suki polishes her fans

they slow dance in the kitchen a lot

they get good at ordering takeout - and they have some weird decision making process that only they understand - bc neither of them are great cooks

yue would feel jealous of suki and sokka, if it weren’t for how stupid in love sokka was with zuko and yue can see that suki really only has eyes for her

yue is taller than suki and it amuses her to no end to pick suki up and carry her away from a fight (we all know suki could get away if she wanted to, but when ur hot tall sexy gf throws u over her shoulder,,,,,,u don’t complain)

joke they’ve adopted kataang and zukka, bc they’re all dummies, but in reality every last one of them is stupid LMAO

they love to do each other’s hair and it’s like super intimate and really cute

sometimes it’s these epic elaborate hairstyles and then at other times, they try to see how many ponytails they can fit on suki’s head and how many little braid yue can do

they travel EVERYWHERE

since yue is royalty and suki is her body guard,,,, well i mean, they totally have to see these kingdoms they are doing trade deals with in person

it helps that they're friends with a lot of them

they stay over in everything from camping so they can stargaze to ritzy hotels with hot tubs in the bathroom

yue gives suki rocks she finds on all their travels and suki lines them up on their mantle around the pictures of them in increasingly weird locations

suki loves guarding yue’s meetings bc she gets to watch her absolutely rip a new one into misogynistic old men and it never fails to bring her joy

While yue doesn’t love getting attacked, the ruthless efficiency suki defends her with is like,,,,,stupid attractive

#wow this got long #this is a mix of modern au and canon verse headcanons #but yeah #let these girls have more dimension than just soft uwu gfs #esp yue #yueki #headcanon #atla #yue #suki #yue x suki #wlw #zukka #kataang #sapphic

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succubusfuccubus · 3 years

Note

Queer being a slur any worse than any other name used for us thru history is a terf/exclu fabrication

no it isn’t

terf is an acronym meaning Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism--it means nothing more or less. It was coined specifically to describe rhetoric focused on denying Trans women space and making the world more hostile, and unsafe for them. Terfs didn’t “make” it a slur, they don’t give a damn about the word q*eer. They’re focused on spreading misinformation through fiction and “non” fiction and related campaigns (x)(x), pushing for anti-trans legislation, and donating to conversion therapy. Using “terf” to mean anything else besides denying space and violent anti-trans rhetoric dilutes the term. Many trans women have expressed their frustration over this. Please please please listen to trans women, I’m begging you.

As for being an “exclu” fabrication?...no? Q*eer has always been a slur--an expression of violence and hate--and is nothing like cishets sneering lesbian/bisexual/gay/transgender, they say it like it’s a dirty word because of L/G/B/T-phobia, when in fact--they were terms we chose for ourselves to describe our own experiences. Q*eer wasn’t chosen by us--it was chosen by cishets. The term was “taken up” (not the same thing as reclamation) in the 80s as a response to the Reagan administration’s blatant refusal to do anything about AIDs because it primarily affected black/brown and LGBT communities, and to them, we were “just” q*eers. Throwing the word back in cishets’ faces was for shock value and to make them uncomfortable.

It never stopped being a violent slur. I have friends and comrades who have trauma associated with the term, whether it was from bullying, abuse, or physical violence. In fact--my best fucking friend is currently receiving sui bait, death threats, and is being doxxed endangering her because her household is homophobic--why? All because she didn’t want to be called q*eer. Kinda fucked up that everybody is gleefully rushing to dox a lesbian who didn’t want to be called q*eer because of past bullying...seems...idk....lesbophobic...and this isn’t just a one-time thing--it’s fucking consistent.

While some find empowerment in it, for others it evokes a history and continuity of disenfranchisement and systematic violence against us. All the argument is is that it can only be reclaimed on an individual basis, and using it as an umbrella term dubbing the LGBT community the q*eer community forces those mentioned above under a term they associate with trauma. I censor the word q*eer out of respect and empathy for my friends and comrades. It is so uncomfortable to be in an academic setting and to hear your professors and other students throw around the word q*eer as though it had no weight--now we got cishets using it.

Q*eer is an ambiguous term that erases specific identities--for many, terms like lesbian/bisexual/gay/transgender are empowering. They describe specific experiences regarding our own relations to sexuality and gender. I used to call myself q*eer out of internalized lesbophobia. I grew up hearing the word lesbian said in hushed/scandalized tones. I saw lesbian as a reductive term and associated it with terfdom and biphobia...which is...lesbophobic. Lesbian describes my own experience in a way q*eer never could as it was too vague. The safety I found in the word q*eer wasn’t the same thing as security, and calling myself lesbian means to me that I overcame comphet and internalized lesbophobia, and is a demonstration of pride and respect for lesbian history.

#q slur cw #q slur discourse #anon #asks #aids mention

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stitchlesswitch · 4 years

Note

have a question and haven't found anyone to answer it.. I've got very mixed feelings on doing any sort of cursing or jinxing of people because I feel like it's not my place and God will be upset... Thoughts and opinions? 👉🏻👈🏻

Oh man, that’s an excellent question, and I hope I can do it justice, but please keep in mind I am no way the final authority on the subject matter. Buckle up, because you made the mistake of asking a particularly wordy person. I’ll try to break it up to be more digestible.

TLDR: Do No Harm ... But Take No Shit

PS: Binding and Banishing Spells are pretty good “christian” alternatives -- to me, anyways. See the bottom of the really long post below.

Inadvertent Masterpost Below?

Opinion on Other Witches Using Curses

In terms of Other witches using cursing, hexes, and jinxes---don’t judge them. (Don’t call it black/dark magic either. It associates “black” or “dark” with “negative/bad/harmful” which has racist repercussions.) To me, it is not a Christian’s place to pass judgement on how other people live their lives.

Now this might confuse some people, and in fact it already has, because I literally just made a post where I told people to not curse donald trump--to clarify, I was kidding. It was supposed to be irony/satire.

Opinion on Christian Witches in General Using Curses

In terms of Christian witches cursing/hexing/jinxing, it’s the same rule, I don’t tell other christians/christian witches how to practice their religion. But it gets really complicated, because there’s obviously a line, right? Like if someone starts using Christianity to be homophobic or racist or as an excuse to oppress other groups, Obviously I’m gonna step up and try to stop them. As christians, I feel we have a certain obligation to stop other people from warping and twisting our faith into a tool of hate. So how does cursing/hexing/jixing fit into that line of thought?

In terms of other Christians using curses/jinxes/hexing, to me it’s a two sided coin. Either they are doing it to be malicious, in which case that’s their personal problem between them and their God. I’m not the sin police. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I espouse Christianity in all my words and actions. On the other side of the coin, and this is really important, they could do be doing it for the sake of Justice, or even in defense of worthy causes. For example, cursing an abuser, or hexing white supremacists. So that’s the distinction I hold, and I feel it’s important to separate: essentially, don’t tell people how to live, but don’t stand by and let them use christianity as a tool of oppression either.

My Personal Opinion on Cursing as an Individual Christian Witch

But, it goes even further, and I think this is really the heart of your question: how do I feel, personally, as a Christian witch, about curses in the name of justice? How are we supposed to know God’s thoughts/feelings/opinions about enacting negative consequences for the sake of a good and just cause? I think that, with all things, it depends.

Defense

I think using curses against someone who is abusing you in any way is entirely justified as self defense. I refuse to believe that God would want you to just lie there helpless and suffering if you have the means, any means, to stop it.

Vengeance

Now this is a big one, and the most complicated one. Especially if the person in question is a past abuser. I have a few of those in my life, and the temptation to curse them, is really powerful sometimes. It’s really hard, because one of the staples of Christianity is forgiveness. We’re taught to believe that those who are evil will get whats coming to them in the afterlife, therefore we do not need to seek retribution against them in this life. So I had to analyze my fundamental beliefs. Perhaps you too, could benefit from these questions:

Why did I become a Christian witch? What is it that I hope to get out of being a Christian witch? And the answer to that question is that I’m trying to be a better person, a better Christian. I am a Christian witch because I’m actually an incredibly hateful, angry, and violent person--I’m trying to use christian witchcraft to undo that. So to curse as a Christian witch would be hypocritical and counter-productive In My Case. Cursing For Me, would go against my core reasons for being a Christian witch.

Secondly, Do I accept letting God take responsibility for seeking vengeance on my behalf? I had to ask myself that--do I trust God? Do I relinquish control of justice into God’s hands? And again, because control issues and trust issues are major problems I’m struggling with, it is in line with my practice to say yes to those questions. To say no I don’t trust God and I don’t relinquish control when it comes to seeking justice, would be counter-productive against my core reasons for being a Christian witch.

But if you have entirely different reasons why you are a Christian witch, then your answers might differ.

Social Justice--Cursing Against Injustice in General

I always go back to this quote: “When we go before Him, God will ask, “Where are your wounds? And we will say, “I have no wounds.” And God will ask, “Was there nothing worth fighting for?”— Allan Boesak (via shaneclouw)

To me, I very much believe that God would want us to stand up for those who are being persecuted. In these cases, things along the lines of “hexing white supremacists” is quite acceptable in my perspective. But that’s because I’m a fighter.

Like I said, I’m a very violent and angry person. I have Zero issue with using violence for the sake of what I believe is right. BUT, not all Christians are like me. Some Christians are pacifists. I know people who are pure love, who are incapable of hate, who couldn’t hurt a fly if their life depended on it. Those are the kind of people that violent and angry people like me are supposed to protect. Does that make sense?

Not all Christians choose to respond to injustice with bloodthirst the way that I do. And I can’t sit here and pretend that there is only one correct way to respond to injustice. Both the fighters and the lovers are important and necessary in the response to injustice. Your wounds don’t automatically have to come as a result of being violent.

( This post is a cool resource fyi )

Protection Post and Hexes for BLM Movement from @littlewitchygreen

Talk to Your God

You don’t have to take my word for it. Try to pray, use divination, journal, ask for signs. Communicate with God. Easier said than done, I know. And God sometimes specifically withholds answers because he wants to see what we’ll do. But I really don’t recommend just jumping into something so serious without having multiple talks with your deity about it first.

It’s Not Black and White

Take this post for example, what magic does the bible prohibit? a very good post. Except, shit’s just not that simple. For example, the Bible unequivocally says, “Thou Shall Not Kill” -- but if someone is attacking me, you bet your ass I’ll kill them without hesitation, remorse, or mercy. Another example, it explicitly prohibits contacting the dead. Well I Regularly speak to love ones that died at their grave--could that count as contacting? Maybe maybe not. The point is we Love to pretend that Religion is just So Simple and Black and White and it just fucking isn’t. We can’t box the creator of the universe into a dichotomy.

Christian Alternatives

Protection Spells/Return to Sender

In some cases, protection spells can accomplish the same thing in a less malicious way, by simply keeping negativity the fuck away from you.

Ultimate Protection Magic Masterpost

[part 1]

[part 2]

Source: auricwitch

Baneful Magic Countermeasures from @breelandwalker

Return to Sender Protection Jar from @shroud-of-roses

Return to Sender Spell from @cyncrow

Return to Sender Masterlist from @the-canary

So you think you’ve been cursed from @sylvaetria

Banishing Spells

Definition: Banish--to forcefully remove something; to put an end to something. Source: lunaesteria. Banish--To magically end something, Or to rid the presence of. Definitely works on people. Source: unknown but not me sorry.

Methodology:

Banishing - take an item that represents what you wish to banish and: throw it in the trash, flush it down the toilet, burn it, bury it, drown it; burn the item and sweep the ashes out the back door or bury them; carve the name of what you want to banish into a black candle and let it burn down completely; transmute negative energy into a stone (preferably a black stone like onyx) and throw it over the fence in your backyard (or whichever direction is south in reference to your home); stir your morning coffee or tea in a counter-clockwise motion while focusing on the intent of what energies you wish to banish for the day; using incense that is associated with banishing negative energy, walk around your space in a counter-clockwise motion with the lit incense in your hand. Source: lunaesteria

Specific Banishing Spells:

Other Examples of Banishing Spells and This One both from @sylvaetria

Christian Banishing: Banished with a Blessing

Binding Spells

Definition: Bind – to restrict the actions/behavior of someone or to tie them to another object, place, or situation Source: lunaesteria

spells – what’s a binding spell ..?

Methodology:

Binding & Sealing - wrap a string around a poppet or other representation of the target or item you wish to bind; put the poppet or other representation in a plastic bag filled with water and freeze it; place the item in a black box and seal it - store in a dark place or bury the box in your backyard; drip wax over the item. Source: lunaesteria

Specific Binding Spells: Search “witchcraft binding” on Tumblr and you will find a Ton of binding spells for a variety of different purposes/reasons. Unfortunately they are not compiled on a single post.

Christian Binding Spells:

Prayer to Bind someone who wishes you harm

I’m so Sorry I didn’t post the below spell I looked all over tumblr for the original person who posted it but I can’t find the post anywhere:

“Christian Witch Binding Spell

Disclaimer: This spell does not belong to me. It belongs to Aslinn Dhan. It’s in her Christian Witch’s Book of Shadows

Materials

Anthame Bowl

White and Black Candle

paper and pen

wand

Incense

Sacred Fire

salt water

Perform cleansing and the calling of the corners to begin each spell. Pour some of your water into a bowl and bless it with the sign of the cross. Using salt, cast your protective circle and light the white candle from your sacred fire. Place the candle in the center of your circle and with your wand intone:

Angels of the four corners, hear my cry. Carry my words to your Master and mine. Within this space stands one who believes Protect me and give me the strength I need.

Write the name of the one who is harassing you. Roll it like scroll or fold it and lay it in your sacred space.

On this paper is the name of who is vexing me. Bind them from harassing others, and me, from harming others or me. The harm they inflict comes back to them. By the power of three make it be. May their heart grow heavy with regret but may they make amends. St. Michael the Archangel, I ask your help in this matter.

Burn or otherwise destroy the paper.

Say the Lord’s Prayer.

Take up your wand and say

___________ I admonish you from harming yourself and others. Your hurtful ways harm not only others but yourself, Angels of the four corners, protect him from harm and protect others from being harmed by him.

Announce: Blessed Be!

Angels of the four corners carry the sentiment of this spell to God in heaven. May all of the elements of this spell enlighten me to help me to withstand evil and encourage those around me to put aside their evil ways that are harmful to themselves and to others. May all we do come back to us seven times.

Perform closing ritual.”

Why are Banishing and Binding Okay?

To some, they aren’t. To me, they are just more defensive. They aren’t saying “I specifically wish ill intent on you” it’s more along the lines of “I wish you would go away” and “I wish you would fucking stop doing that.” (Some will say you’re infringing upon free will with binding, but to that I say, I also fringe upon my dog’s free will when I stop her eating a doughnut off the counter idgaf free will is a myth.)

Tips for Cursing

You should never cast a curse unless you know how to undo it from @sylvaetria

How to undo a curse from @heatherwitch

Curse Breaking from @nightmarist

What I learned about Curses from @kendallscraft

Jinxes Hexes and Curses from @orriculum

Source: lunaesteria

✖ Spell & Curse Breaking ✖

Methods for negating spells you have cast:

Destroy the physical representation of the spell i.e. if your spell was contained within a jar, break the jar and dispose of the pieces

Disassemble the spell and cleanse each component individually

Place item in a bath of sea salt and dried herbs that are associated with cleansing and banishing - leave overnight and disassemble the spell when finished

Cleanse the item with moon or rain water and disassemble if applicable

Place the item in a black box to negate its effects

Bury the item for 3 days, retrieve it, then dispose of it

Bury the item on the night of the full moon and retrieve it at the next new moon

Create a sigil or written incantation with the intent of breaking the spell and place the item on top of the paper - leave in place overnight

Create a written incantation that includes the details of the spell - bury, burn, drown, rip apart, or throw it away

Light a black candle that is surrounded by sea salt while focusing on the intent of negating the spell - recite an incantation if you wish, and allow the candle to burn down; sweep the sea salt out your back door

Breaking and warding spells others have cast upon you:

Perform a “Return to Sender” spell - find a black taper candle; turn it upside down; cut the tip off and leave the wick in place; carve “return to sender” and the target’s name (or a description of them) into the candle; light the candle upside down and let it burn down completely

Leave a Witch Bottle outside of your home - it should contain items like: pins, needles, broken glass (to shred their negative intentions towards you); your name and the names of those who may be affected by this negative energy plus an incantation for protection (e.g. your loved ones, pets, anyone who lives in your home); and lemon juice, lime juice, or sea salt (to purify their negative energy so that it may not get to you)

Create a mixture of charcoal, chili powder, and sulfur powder - sprinkle around the perimeter of your home to stop a spell in its tracks

Alternately, you may combine these ingredients, add to a hollow pendant, and wear on your person to protect you from the effects of a spell

If you know the details of the spell that has been placed on you, write them down on paper; while focusing on breaking the spell, hold the paper in your hand, and then rip it to shreds; throw the pieces in the trash, or bury in your backyard

If you don’t know the exact details, write down the effects you have been feeling if you think they have been caused by a spell or malintent directed at you; follow the steps above

Submerge yourself in a bath of sea salt and light frankincense incense - place the incense on the edge of the tub or somewhere safe in your bathroom - to cleanse yourself of any negative energy that has been directed at you

Place an energetic shield over yourself or your home that is designed to negate negative energy

Tips:

Close all loopholes

When crafting a spell, remember to create a fail safe (e.g. “this spell will be broken if X occurs”)

Add timed conditions to your spells (e.g. “this spell will be broken on the night of the next full moon” and include a specific date)

Be specific when describing the target that will be affected by the spell (whether it’s you or someone else, be sure to include taglocks whether it be their name written or spoken aloud, DNA such as hair, fingernail clippings, etc., or a photo of the target)

Use ingredients, supplies, and tools that match your intent

Employ a method of protection before casting spells, whether the intent is malefic or not

Cleanse your space and tools before and after performing a spell to “wipe the slate clean”

Herbs:

Ague, Angelica, Asafoetida, Bamboo, Basil, Bay Leaf, Benzoin, Boneset, Brimstone (Sulfur Powder), Burdock, Chili Pepper, Cinquefoil, Comfrey, Datura, Frankincense, Galangal, Garlic, Geranium, Holy Thistle, Huckleberry, Hydrangea, Iris Root (Orris Root), Lemon Verbena (Vervain), Lilac, Lily, Lucky Hand (Orchid Root), Mimosa, Myrrh, Nutmeg, Oak Moss, Onion, Oregano, Papaya, Patchouli, Peony, Pokeroot, Prickly Ash Bark, Rue, Safflower, Solomon’s Seal, St. John’s Wort, Stinging Nettle, Squill, Thistle, Toadflax, Turmeric, Vetiver, Willow, Wintergreen, Witches Grass (Dog Grass), Wormwood (Absinthe), Yarrow Flower, Yew, Yucca

Crystals:

Agate, Amber, Amethyst, Ametrine, Black Tourmaline, Bloodstone, Carnelian, Celestite, Chrysocolla, Citrine, Emerald, Epidote, Fire Opal, Fluorite, Garnet, Halite, Hematite, Howlite, Jet, Kunzite, Labradorite, Malachite, Natrolite, Obsidian, Ocean Jasper, Onyx, Selenite, Silver, Smoky Quartz, Sugilite, Sunstone, Turquoise

Jesus Christ I hope that covers everything.

#cursing #hex #hexes #hex white supremacy #christian witch #christian witchcraft #jynx #anon #answered #banishing spells #binding spells #inadvertent masterpost #long post #christian cursing alternatives

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transtranscendence · 3 years

Photo

Alex Silverfish was a legendary underground techno. She suffered years of violent abuse from homophobic Bengali gangs at her Bethnal Green East London estate. ‘Project Silverfish’ was started by the Pilion Trust to help homeless and trans people in London.

Alex had started her DJing career in 1989 (under the moniker of DJ Lowenbandiger) and set up London’s first euro techno night ‘the Hiddenside’ at the now defunct Bar Industria, with Marco Lenzi, Nils Hess and Keith Fielder, going on to open the Silverfish record shop in 1991. The Charing Cross Road shop, art-space and regular all night party venue served as a key hub and meeting point between London’s then thriving squat party warehouse scene and the overground worldwide techno scene and Alex rapidly became a star DJ, spinning alongside the likes of Aphex Twin, Juan Atkins, Sven Vath and Joey Beltram, in the UK and abroad. She went on to promote 287 Silverfish parties at warehouses and venues across London becoming one of the capital’s most respected and popular party hosts of the 90s. She also remained passionately committed to techno, labelling it a form of shamanism and a ‘magic ritual’ in an interview with Skrufff in 2002.“Dancing to the rhythmic sound of the drums all night is something that men have been doing for millions of years and in those rituals there are lots of processes happening such as energy sharing between the DJ and the crowd. Magic things and real healing can happen through techno,” she said. “When I play techno to people I feel an energy coming out of my spine and passing into the crowd, then coming back through the head. If you play good music to people you receive a vibe in exchange and it’s a formidable sensation. This sensation is really what I still play for, rather than the money for glory. That’s why I still play for free in lots of underground techno parties,” she added. Embracing electroclash alongside techno at the start of the decade Alex also announced that she was taking steps towards changing sex from male to female and lived the remainder of her life as a woman. Chatting to Skrufff in 2003, she spoke enthusiastically about the support she’d received from transgenderists in London’s club scene and from friends, who’d known her from her techno days, though was candid about her ongoing struggles.“After a life of agony, four years of therapy and two suicide attempts, I’ve finally started a sex reassignment program to correct a natural error that occurred at birth,” said Alex, “Basically I’ve finally become one after a lifetime of living a double life.”However, two years later, she spoke sadly about the hatred she routinely encountered following her decision to live as a woman, particularly from viciously homophobic gangs roaming the estates around her Hackney home.“Experiencing aggression and receiving hate has been a constant for quite a few years, so much so that maybe I’m almost becoming used to the daily abuse,” she suggested.“I’ve always been spiritual and ascetic and, believe that hate can be more contagious than love and everyday I try to forgive people’s ignorance and not to get contaminated,” she wrote, “At times it’s hard but there’s not other way out, We live in a society of resentment, rejection of freedom and homophobic hate.”“Walking a lifetime with the gaze pointing down is, at the moment, the best safe-choice of many gays, lesbians and transsexuals in a country that apparently guarantees freedom around the world,” she added.“Giving too much freedom to fascists of every faith always results in weaker groups and sections of society losing theirs and suffering,” she warned. The following quote from The Gender Trust’s website in 2006 gives an insight into the abuse she faced in the area where she lived: ‘Hostile stares awaited us outside. An old man turned and followed us, shouting: “Men! Abominations! Disgusting… fake hair, fake tits: fake woman!’ but my new friends seemed unsurprised. Many other men hung around the district looking amused. I alone was flabbergasted.“It’s OK once we get past here – they love us in the town” Alex assured me. But children on bikes followed us, shouting ‘Fucking trannies!’ and throwing bits of rubbish at us. I was livid. Alex and her friend saw this as much a part of going out as putting on one’s shoes. For them, it was.We encountered a few rude stares after that, but on the whole we were fine on the hot streets of Bethnal Green, with its outdoor drinkers and quirky fashion boutiques to rival Camden. But returning to the house we experienced more abuse: “I’m a lad-ee!” mouthed a large group of men whilst chasing us towards the stairwell. I was scared. Safe inside, Alex told me such harassment was her everyday life, but the council refused to rehouse her.’

She took her own life on July 31, 2008 in Bethnal Green, East London, United Kingdom.

We will not be silenced. We must fight back against transphobia. For Alex.

#transgender #trans pride #trans #trans day of visibility #trans day of rememberance

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eurosong · 4 years

Text

My ESC ‘20 ranking

Good morning folks, on this rather melancholy “Eurovision day.” Whilst this year may be cancelled and its songs pretty callously binned by the EBU, 2020 was a diverse year that deserves taking a close look at too, so here goes my customary full ranking of the year. I express some candid opinions, but they are just my take on things, no shade intended if you disagree.

41. Estonia - What love is It’s always most difficult to pick a last place because, no matter how sleek Eurovision gets, there are still a few abject horrors that sneak into the contest. With a score that would have been dated 30 years back, and lyrics that manage the peculiar double act of being both pompous and anodyne, this is horrid enough before Uku’s dubious xenophobic comments and his prevailing over a field of much more compelling songs get taken into account.

40. Macedonia - You The Macedonians, having achieved their best result ever last year (I’m happy for them, but also, Kaliopi deserved that), decided that they soared too close to the sun with Proud and decided to crash land this year to build their energy to soar again. That’s the only reasonable explanation I have for this effort which deeply repels me, doubling down on Luca Hänni’s “cocky guy in a sleazy bar” æsthetics and adds to it even worse lyrics, castrato singing and the unintended levity of the interpreter being far more interested in the bartender. Also one of a maddening number of duplicate titles that were nowhere near as good as the originals.

39. Cyprus - Running What is this void in the space of a song? I’ve listened to it dozens of times to do ratings over the past months. I’m still left with an icy emptiness because it does nothing to me, says nothing to me. The only thing that I can say in its favour is that it’s not a replay of replay aka Fuego 3. That’s it. It’s like it’s designed to leave little impression and hope to cruise by on diaspora and friendly votes alone.

38. Austria - Alive Austria have been on an interesting Eurovision journey, going from winning with Conchita to serving up this chirpy homophobe doing his best impression of Timberlake. A monumental step back from the singular tenderness of Pænda.

37. France - Mon alliée (The best in me) La déception de l’année sans doute. France, one of Europe’s cultural powerhouses, really said “forget Destination Eurovision, which showcased our music scene’s diversity and was one of the fandom’s favourite newer NFs. Let’s abolish it all and bring in the guys who made Bigger than us, because we really want a piece of that Big 5 bottom place action! Let’s throw away our cultural caché and get something about as French as flatpack furniture!”

This is like going to a pricey restaurant in Paris, expecting haute cuisine and instead getting some microwave-reheated IKEA köttbullar. And can we talk about how Amir of J’ai cherché fame is partly to “thank” for this in one of the biggest heel turns of the year? It’s like he wanted to ensure that France TV beg him to return by safeguarding his excellent score from being equalled. I also have to say, Tom Leeb seems like a nice guy with a good voice. He did his best to salvage this with the acoustic version, which lifts it up a few places. But not so many given that that Westlife reject b-side ending with a key change remains.

36. Germany - Violent thing Speaking of major cultural players dumping their national finals for no good reason, guten Tag, Deutschland! Germany once had one of the best and certainly most diverse NFs going. Instead of dumping Barbara Schönenberger as hostess - every year she’s presented, Germany have had calamity, and the one year they did well, 2018, she wasn’t host - they decided to pin all their hopes on a bewildered looking gossoon from Slovenia with yet another Timberclone song and some rather dubious live vox. As his countrywoman Lea Sirk said, it’s a hvala ne from me.

35. Spain - Universo Yes, it’s another year of the Big 5 not living up to its automatic qualification rights (except you, Italy, thank you for being the exception to the rule.) So here we’ve got a bland effort from Spain to avoid being bottom 5, except that ain’t how ESC works - you need something to get people to waste their money on voting for your song. And for me, this surely is not it. This was a bit higher on my ranking before because there are more objectively objectionable songs out there. But the nonsensical, repetitive lyrics, the painful attempt at a high note on perdónameeee, and getting stuck on a bus where I had to put up said screeching being played 5+ times means #35 is about right for where it deserves.

34. Armenia - Chains on you Armenia, usually a reliable mainstay in the top half of my listings at least, instead served up one of the most bewilderingly impalatable NFs of the season where every song sounded imported from the ESC anni horribili of the 00s. This has grown on me a little bit - I like tin drums and I like her weird accent - but the lyrics are amongst the year’s most pitiful (“ya wanna take me to a party, because you’re naughty”) and it just feels cheep to me. 33. Bulgaria - Tears getting sober I don’t see the appeal in this bewildering merger of dirge and Disney, and this is coming from someone who likes melancholic music more times than not. I find this one straight up unpleasant to listen to. The lyrics are of someone passive-aggressively glorying in the pain they wallow in to return the hurt, in “look how much you’re making me hurt myself” style. The syrupy score replete with key change is a bizarre, ghoulish accompaniment. Only this high because I recognise some artistic merit in its production.

32. Azerbaijan - Cleopatra Are Azerbaijan now at the stage where they’ve decided to pastiche themselves? The country with the worst LGBT rights of all contesting ESC having the monumental neck to send a song about “gay or straight or in between”? The country who have almost religiously avoided sending anything with any actual Azeri national character or heritage sending a song written by a Canadian, an American and a Frisian about a Greek-Egyptian ruler with a Japanese mantra and Latin affectations, so sending us around the world to pretty much everywhere except Azerbaijan? What can I say in favour of it? It’s a little bit catchy. So are venereal diseases.

31. Poland - Empires How can a country who started their ESC journey with aplomb - and experimental gems like Sama and Chcę znać swój grzech - and who continue to serve in the junior contest, how can they be so almost studiedly bland in ESC these days? This is our 564th knockoff Bond tune, sung a little awkwardly and with lyrics written by a Year 8 who’s been given a creätive writing assignment where they have to use metaphors. “We’re gasoline and a match!” Wow. If it passed to the final, it would only because of loyal Poles abroad.

30. Greece - Superg!rl We leave the territory of complete dirges and enter that of songs I can sort of live with. This one’s a huge step back for the Hellenes though after the gorgeous Better love. Its odd chorus is memorable, but not for the best reasons. Its saving grace is its unintentionally humorous promotional video. A better use of those superpowers would have been to come up with a better song.

29. Moldova - Prison Remember the fun Moldova that used to bring songs like Hora din Moldova and Lautar, with some actual national flavour and flair? That’s long gone. Even the Moldova that brought terrible songs but fun stagings, like that of My lucky day, seems far lost into the fogs of time too. Another wholly unremarkable and mediocre production of the Scream Team that would be lucky to scrape into the finals. 28. Belgium - Release me Has Belgium learnt absolutely nothing in the years Blanche where the wheels of their ESC renaissance have fallen decidedly off? My feeling is no. I have to salute them to some degree for creating nice, very musical compositions, but just like in the past two years, they have forgotten to add a few key elements: some sense of progression or dynamism. This plods along repetitively on one track, one note, and that note is nice enough as background music, but my hunch is that track would have led them to another unsurprising “surprise” NQ.

27. Serbia - Hasta la vista It’s an earworm, but some earworms leave you wanting to get an aural exorcism. Somehow, some sort of collective insanity overcame Serbia and they decided to dump on their beautiful oeuvre of songs, go completely against their trend for qualitative, classical, brooding, orchestral music by instead picking a bunch of time travellers who had been a third rate girl band in Transnistria. How enough Serbians thought they’d win over Europe by going for a sound that was dated even when they made their début bemuses me. 26. UK - My last breath The UK are really soaring high in my rankings as... the last amongst the 26 songs that would make up my notional perfect final. Baby steps. I still think it’s pretty lame how the BBC tanked their own national final for this. It’s not so adventurous. It has so little to say that it’s half a minute shorter than the ESC standard and yet still consists of repetition. It has one of the most annoying chorus quirks with that beat in “my last... breath.” How did this get up this high again?

25. Albania - Fall from the sky It absolutely pains my heart to put Albania out of the top 20 after two thunderous years in which they captured my gold and bronze respectively. What makes it worse is that they could have had a perfect hat-trick, because the original, Albanian language version “Shaj” was my #1 song from December up until mid-March when they released this thin gruel of a revamp with all the things that gave Shaj some authenticity and flavour gone, and with beautiful, heart-rending lyrics replaced with cliché. Only this high because there are plenty of worse songs.

24. Czechia - Kemama I have a soft spot for poor Benny, the interpreter of this song. Ok, so it beat a field containing some vastly superior songs, but it’s nice to have a Czech song without weird lyrics about women for the first time in a while, and the way the kid was put through the ringer for his more Afrobeat-influenced revamp made me sad. For me, it gained a bit of flavour with that change. The lyrics are still poor but I like the colourful musical backdrop.

23. Israël - Feker libi 🇮🇱 Sometimes, you don’t think much of a song but the artist elevates it enormously. Such is the case with Feker libi, a bizarre pot pourri of styles with a very discordant tropical verse (which I like), mid-90s dance track chorus (which I don’t), middle eastern post-chorus and African-sounding outro (jury’s out on both.) Yet Eden Alene is so full of natural charm and exudes “I want to be your friend” that I can’t help but rewatch just because of how joyous she makes it.

22. San Marino - Freaky 🇸🇲 Speaking of atypical countries flying high in my ranking, all was set for San Marrano to take non-pride of place at the bottom of my ranks yet again, but somehow, I ended up quite enjoying their track this year. Yes, San Marino is still a weird zone where, when you descend to Rimini in Italy, you enter the new millennium, but returning up the tiny nation’s steep slopes, you head back to a time in the 70s when disko was king. This disco is fun though. In part thanks to Senhit, a sympathetic performer who deserved more in 2011, in part the lyrics - who doesn’t want to rip up the rules, write new ones and then destroy them too?

22. Switzerland - Répondez-moi It’s nice to have the Swiss singing in a national language for the first time in ages. It’s also nice that they didn’t fall back on their success with Hänni by going with a similar so-called bOp. I also really love some of the artist’s other tracks, like Babi. And I liked this a fair bit more upon first listen, but the combination of less than stellar lyrics - just a succession of somewhat emoïsh rhetorical questions; just because they’re in French, doesn’t make them deep - and a wailing falsetto have made my will to relisten to this often take a serious hit for me. A shame, as musically, it has some undoubted quality. 20. Denmark - Yes 🇩🇰 Denmark seems to be doubling down on 2019 to develop its new niche - catchy, sweet but ultimately a little overly gooey love songs. There’s always something a little bit imperfect about them though: last year it was Leonora’s serial killer-esque nervous gaze; this year, it’s the “I’m not going to even try to make pretend we’re an item” lack of energy from Tan. It’s a little bit too reheated “Little talks” but it’s decent enough.

19. Russia - Uno 🇷🇺 When this first was released, days after the deadline for submitting songs, I was pretty peeved at what seemed like a pisstake against the contest, a bizarre rehash of Aqua for the meme age. And yet.. maybe it’s the quarantine slowly driving me insane, maybe it’s the sheer infectiousness of this that just makes you want to dance, maybe it’s the epic energy of the backing singer (Rosa from Brooklyn 99’s twin) who looks like she wants to kill everyone else... but I’ve actually grown to like this enough to put it top 20. I’m not always entirely predictable!

18. Norway - Attention 🇳🇴 There’s a lot of things that tick my yes boxes with this song, like the beautiful orchestral music laid out by the famed Mørland or the simple but sincere performance. There are also things that take a Sharpie and scrawl in my no boxes too, like the somewhat whiny tone of the vocals or the adolescent and lyrics which, with their “oy’d change anyffink abaat moyself fur a boi” tone, don’t flatter the singer, and from Mørland, I expect better. There’s more good than bad here though, and it has been an earworm since the day it was selected.

17. Belarus - Da widna 🇧🇾 I don’t know what was in the water this year, but we got a bunch of great Slavic language songs, including from countries that don’t typically send songs except in English. I like the chilled out vibe and the curious lyrics. Their live version for Eurovision Home Concerts with just an acoustic guitar sounded a whole lot better, I must say.

16. Australia - Don’t break me 🇦🇺 I’m finally overcoming the horror of the bizarre clown mise-en-scène complete with ropey lyrics at Australia decides and judging this on its potential. Hands down Australia’s best entry at the contest for me. Musically, it’s strong, and lyrically, it’s compelling and very saudadic. I’m sad we won’t see what a glow-up their final staging could have provided. I really hope it wouldn’t have involved clowns, which seriously tanked the song in my ranking for months, no joke.

15. Portugal - Medo de sentir 🇵🇹 A Portuguese entry outside of my top ten? Given their form with me since 2015, this might seem like a harbinger of the apocalypse. I still like it quite a bit, but there are stronger songs this time. It’s heartfelt, the lyrics are powerful (about being afraid to feel again after being hurt) and the melody is pretty. The live was a bit cagey especially because of the not particularly well synchronised voices of Elisa and the pianist, who composed the song. Still a very nice song and it is great to see Portugal staying faithful to its language, but I can’t help but feel sad that songs more in line with its riskier, more trailblazing previous few years. Passe-partout or Gerbera amarela do sul would have been in my top 3 like last year.

14. Latvia - Still breathing 🇱🇻 If you told me in January that not only would this song not be disliked, it’d also end up in my top 15 of the year, I’m sure incredulous laughter would have been the most polite response you’d have probably gotten. And yet - the song I couldn’t stand in Supernova has won me over and I do want to see Samanta Tina return for 2021 since she evidently cares so deeply about ESC so is pretty much one of us. I’ve come to love the weirdness of the track - real meat and gravy given the number of anodyne tracks - the iconic pre-corona hygienic leitmotif of its staging. ST’s joie de vivre and command of the stage. It’d be a guilty pleasure except I don’t feel guilty for it.

13. Georgia - Take me as I am 🇬🇪 Georgia once again are dancing to the beats of their very anarchic drummer and I love them for that. This thinly veiled swipe at both the Big 5 coasting in mediocrity and at narrow-minded fans’ reäctions to Georgia’s extremely varied oeuvre just hits the spot for me. I love the musicality of it, the dark electro-rock vibes, Tornike’s voice and how it blends perfectly with his captivating backing singers. I always vote with my feet for something different in an era where people are aiming to qualify with safe and bland rather than taking risks.

12. Romania - Alcohol you 🇷🇴 Roxen provided one of the most iconic moments of the season by deliberately tanking the ordained bop amongst her national final songs. Her eventual song is one of the most emotional of the year, and also one of the most surprisingly literary: there are tonnes of nuances, allusions, wordplays and so forth in this text, most of which are a lot more graceful than the titular terrible pun. I humbly put it to folk who thinks that this romanticises alcohol that they are missing the point - it’s instead being used as a metaphor for toxic relations which, by the end of the song, Roxen has broken away from. I love her voice, I love the music. It fell briefly out of my affections because of the weird mini-revamp, but it’s risen again.

11. Ukraine - Solowej 🇺🇦 It’s fabulous to see Ukraine singing a song entirely in their language and I hope this trend continues across the Slavic nations like was notable this year. The timeless folksy elements mixing with modern beats makes a curious and entrancing blend, delivered with aplomb. It takes where Poland 2019 went wrong and puts it right. I could have done without the unnecessary revamp, but it’s still one of the year’s freshest cuts. Well done, Widbir!

10. Slovenia - Voda 🇸🇮 In an age where the likes of Albania is stripping away all the beautiful orchestral flourishes of its entry to make a pared and muted revamp, Slovenia went full throttle in the opposite - and in my mind, right - direction and made one of the very few good revamps of the season. Performing with the Budapest philharmonic orchestra, Ana Soklič, who, for my money, has one of the best female voices of the year, unleashed the cinematic, sweeping beauty of Voda. I think this would have surprised many people by doing quite well. On musical and vocal merit alone, and adding to that the subdued saudade of its lyrics, it deserved a lot more love.

09 Malta - All of my love 🇲🇹 In 2018, I would have sooner said that it was more probable for me to have become Grand-Duke of Luxembourg than it was for me to have loved a Maltese song, let alone two i n a r o w. I didn’t expect much of this at all, because I expected we’d get a wailing vocal exhibition, as Ian used to say, focused on exhibiting Destiny’s range rather than giving her a genuinely good song. But this is a genuinely good song. Once again, I love for the gospel edge it has, and Destiny’s vocals soar to impressive heights, without feeling unnatural or ostentatious. I should have known to expect good things with the regal Cesár Sampson on board.

08 Lithuania - On fire 🇱🇹 Prior to this year, few people had any hopes for Lithuania’s long-winded national final selection process. The idea of it being must-watch viewing when there were many other more compelling choices on offer was hilarious. In 2020, that changed. They changed the name to the hilarious but hopeful “Let’s try again”, had a number of fantastic songs, and became one of the most diverse and qualitative highlights of the NF season. The eventual winners, The Roop, deserved the accolade with this cool, super contemporary track with a brilliant dance routine and a genuinely important message about not giving up on yourself.

07. Sweden - Move 🇸🇪 At MF this year, the Swedes put a match to its protracted ‘cocky fuckboi with polished, soulless overproduced pop song’ era, hopefully for good, with an all-female top 4. I will always lament Dotter missing out narrowly, but I’ve still been brought plenty of joy by the radiant Mamas with their fabulous hand-choreography and genuine warmth, and this song of resilience through the tough times. I love gospel-tinged music and this really makes me smile.

06 Ireland - The story of my life 🇮🇪 Before this was announced, I heard Ireland’s track being compared to the oeuvre of pretty much every major 00s female pop star. I was quizzical, but upon hearing it, could see why. In a year with a lot of beige, this is just one big orange and yellow blast of colourful late 90s/early 00s nostalgia, hope, resilience. The kind of anthem I never knew I needed but came right on time. I can’t listen to its wry, conversational lyrics without wanting to dance along. And Lesley Roy herself is an icon. My favourite effort from Ireland since Playing by numbers, and I really hope she returns in 2021.

05 Finland - Looking back 🇫🇮 I’ll never forget a mural in the part of València where I used to live that said “we’re not different for the sake of being different”, and that could sum up my attitudes to Eurovision. Whilst it seemed almost everyone was behind Cicciolina in Finland, I had scant hope for my favourite, and was blown away when it actually did win. This melancholy meditation on the passing of time and people - “we never know what we have until it’s over and we’re looking back” - became emblematic of this year for me and added to what was already a really poignant and moving track. I love the musical style too and the smoothness of Aksel’s voice and how it contrasts with his evident awkward shyness. It has moved me so much that it had to end up top 5.

04 Croatia - Divlji vjetre 🇭🇷 I always will represent and bring love for the Balkans and their adhesion to their musical traditions. This was one of the most pleasant surprises of the NF season for me - I was expecting very little from Croatia, and instead, it greeted me with this beauty. You have the understated classic grace of the music, the exquisite melancholy and poeticism of the lyrics, and one of the finest male vocals of the season. My favourite Croatian track in almost 15 years.

03 Italy - Fai rumore 🇮🇹 Sanremo isn’t just a national final, it’s a cultural experience that digs into your heart over the course of a whole week. This was one of the most memorable I have followed yet - and what a truly deserving winner. It’s just another example of the seemingly endless supply of heartfelt tunes by classy, sincere performers that Italy has on tap, with one of the best lyrics of the contest and the extra level of poignancy from how the lyrical theme of isolation would come to represent us all.

02 Iceland - Think about things 🇮🇸 One of my nerviest and happiest moments of the entire NF season was seeing Daði Freyr and friends win Söngvakeppnin in Iceland. As much as I loved Svala’s Paper, I had also adored his song three years prior - the delightfully awkward and similarly irrepressably earwormy Is this love. And now he was back with a groovy, fun, heartwarming tune about fatherhood that has only continued to grow in my estimations. The bridge still full on gives me goosebumps. It’s the kind of song that just makes me marvel at being human and being on this earth.

01 Netherlands - Grow 🇳🇱 My top few songs are all very closely entwined so much so that they could be considered joint winners, but I’ve been pretty unequivocal ever since Shaj got torpedoed by its revampire: silver turned to gold and my previous 2nd place, Grow, became my new favourite. I love the heartfelt, sparsely poëtic, bravely confessional lyrics. I love the way that it goes from something minimalist and intimate with just organ and voice and slowly builds upon the hints of gospel to something truly anthemic. Such a meticulous arrangement where there’s not a single sound out of place. This song is pure art and, like Soldi, Mall, APD and all those preceding songs which had the magic of being my personal favourite, it moves me upon every listen.

#eurovision #eurovision song contest #esc 2020 #opinion #eurovision 2020 #esc

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orange-positivity · 4 years

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Hi, I'm an Asian with very little background of Slovenian politics - could you please help me understand the situation on the ground and how's it come about?

Hi! I'm not the best with politics but I'll try my best

I'll first do a run through and then I'll put in bold what's happening right now but before I start, the main thing right now is that they want to shut down independent media

Just putting this first because it's the most important, okay now for the run through

Pretty much our former prime minister, Marjan Šarec resigned and so Janez Janša was elected by the National assembly in March, which is also when the coronavirus outbreak started in Slovenia. Now a lot of shit went on while we were in lockdown and I honestly can't tell you much about that because I wasn't really following politics at the time, but there was a thing with ordering unsuitable masks and respirators and also during the whole corona crisis, they tried to pass laws completely unrelated to the epidemic (because they knew all media attention was on the virus). Janez Janša and his political party (SDS) are also very right wing and corrupt (Janša actually went to jail for corruption a few years back)(he's also good friends with Orban, the Hungarian prime minister and I think he [Janša] owes him [Orban] some money?) and there were just a lot of allegations of corruption flying around during that time as well as bribing other parties into teaming up SDS to form the government (members of the parties who connected with SDS got promotions and raises). The government also gave themselves the highest paycheck possible, but they offered very little financial support to small businesses during the lockdown (as far as I know, the only thing small businesses got was that they can pay their taxes with a delay or something?). They also passed an amendment against the conservation of nature, but thankfully that's been put on hold by the constitutional court.

That was lockdown and the protests started in early April with people banging their pots and pans on the balcony. In late April, the bike protests started. So every Friday, people would ride their bikes on the streets around the parliament. There was a lot of shit with the police at the beginning, putting up fences on our protesting space for no good reason and writing people up or arresting them for BS. At this point I'd like to say that the protesters have never gotten violent. The most "violent" thing they did was throw massive paper airplanes across the fence.

But I feel like shit really hit the fan on the 24th of June. For context, 25th of June is Slovenian independence day.

So Slovenian Antifa organized an anti celebration on Prešeren square in Ljubljana (Slovenian capital) on the 24th, as to say "we don't support this government and what it's doing to our country". That's when the Nazis roll in. They saw what the antifa was trying to do and they said "okay, we'll go to Prešeren square as well as to show our support to the government". There were about 50 of them and they were all wearing neon yellow vests (no correlation with the Yellow Vests movement in France btw - they just stole their symbolism). Some (I think 11) of those "Yellow Vests" had Nazi tattoos and some of them were identified by other people as active members of the Slovenian neonazi group called Blood&Honour.

On the 24th, the police also put fences around half of Ljubljana city centre. People couldn't get to their homes, cars, bikes because the police wouldn't let them through... They [the police] did that so that the government officials could have their own private independence day celebration (on the Congress square which is about 200m from Prešeren square) without having to listen or look at the protesters.

After that, the nazis came to three more protests before deciding to "leave us alone" by mixing into our crowd (their words not mine), taking pictures of us and trying to expose us on their twitter account (@/RJopici). They call this "yellow monitoring" and they said they specifically target middle aged people employed in the public sector, NGOs and or on RTV (RTV is radio television Slovenia basically like the BBC)

What's happening right now

Janša is pushing to shut down RTV (the biggest independent media house in Slovenia). He says it's a leech to the Slovenian budget and not even necessary (because most of his voters watch Nova 24 TV anyway which is Janša's TV company and it's basically like the Fox news). Shutting down independent media is simply unacceptable. Hungary and Serbia already shut down most (if not all?) independent media and idk about Poland? But Janša looks up to those countries and wants Slovenia to be like them. So yeah, Janša and SDS are pushing to shut RTV down entirely or at least cut its funding. This on it's own is a bad thing, but it's really put in perspective when you see just how shitty and biased the reporting of politically owned media like Nova 24 or Planet TV is. They lie and turn everything around to cater to their agenda.

The other thing that's happening is we have an increased number of corona cases. We were down to only 6 active cases so the borders opened and a lot of Slovenians went to Croatia (which is a popular tourist destination for like most of Slovenians). So people brought in new cases from abroad and as of 25.7. we have 241 active cases (which isn't a lot compared to other countries but we are pretty small). Despite that, the government still doesn't want to shut down the borders again or at least put Croatia on the red list because putting Croatia on the red list would mean people returning from there would have to go into a two week self isolation period and that would mean people would be discouraged to travel to Croatia, obviously. But I'm pretty sure our government gets a share of the money Croatia makes from Slovenian tourists, which is why they don't want to restrict travel to Croatia just yet. Probably once the tourist season is over, they will restrict travel immediately.

Instead Nova 24 TV is blaming the protesters for the rise of infection numbers, which isn't true. If the new infections were in fact caused by the protesters, then Ljubljana would be the epicenter of the epidemic (since that's where the biggest protests are), but as of right now, Hrastnik is actually the epicenter and Hrastnik is in a whole different region than Ljubljana.

There's also now talk about stepping away from the Istanbul convention (just like Poland did) - but right now it's just some of the right wing politicians tweeting about it. As far as I know, Janša's government is also looking to privatize healthcare (rn we have free public healthcare). Obviously they won't do that in the middle of the epidemic, but it's one of their interests.

That's not even counting all the racists, xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic and misogynistic comments our politicians make on twitter daily.

Oh and if you're wondering where our president (Borut Pahor) is amidst all of this, he's posting selfies on Instagram and refusing to acknowledge the situation at all.

TLDR: our government is corrupt and wants to shut down independent media and just all in all make our country more like Poland or Hungary and people aren't happy with that

If anyone is from Slovenia, feel free to fill this in if I've missed anything or got anything wrong

#sorry this is so long!#and sorry if it's too vauge or too specific in certain areas i just really can't keep up with it all?#every week there's another bullshit going on #last week our minister of justice (Lilijana Kozlovič) went out and publicly blamed rape on the victims for example #today is Monday and already we have one deeply racist and transphobic tweet by one of the other politicians #i knew a lot about the amendment against the conservation of nature because that's my area #but THANK FUCK the constitutional court still has some brain cells left so they put a stop to this madness #ALSO i know that in regards of politics elsewhere (khm the USA khm) this seems mild #or like that pirates of the Caribbean meme that's like 'first time?'#but yeah I for one do not want my country to go to shit #also sorry it took nearly a whole day to answer #it was a lot to type #politics #personal #ask #anon #not positivity #long post

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fangirl-imagines · 5 years

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Hatred//Barry Berkman x Reader x Sally Reed

Warnings: Brief homophobic language, violence, and mentions of past domestic abuse

Prompt: You have never hated anyone as much as you hated your girlfriend Sally’s ex-husband. When he comes to town you can’t keep yourself from lashing out.

“How’s she doing?” Barry asked coming up beside you, eyes glued to Sally on the stage just like yours.

You glanced up at him for a second before bringing your eyes right back to Sally. She was standing tall, running through her lines like a true professional actress.

“Amazing.” You answered Barry proudly, letting your head fall gently against his chest.

Barry smiled and shook his head as he watched Sally, in awe of how strong she really was. You both watched her proudly, knowing how hard she worked to be here.

That’s your girl.

You heard the heavy clang of the audience door opening and glanced over briefly. Your eyes flickered back immediately though when you saw Sally’s ex husband standing there watching her. You tensed beside Barry and swallowed harshly. Looking at Sally it was clear she hadn’t seen him yet and from Barry’s relaxed posture next to you, you knew he hadn’t either. You glared harshly at Sam.

You had never felt a feeling inside of you like this. Like your entire body was flushed and burning. You had never felt hatred towards anyone like you did towards this man. Sam must have felt your eyes boring into him because he looked over at you. He looked you over unimpressed before turning his gaze back to Sally. He watched her for a moment before shaking his head and turning to storm out of the theatre.

You glanced up at Barry who was still watching Sally. He only nodded, distracted, when you told him, “I’ll be right back.”

You walked quickly out of the theater in long strides, your hands clenched by your side in tight fist.

“Hey!” You called out loudly to Sam as he strode towards his car.

He glanced back over his shoulder at you uninterestedly, “Hey.”

His nonchalant attitude only pissed you off more.

“Hey, Sally said she didn’t want you seeing that!”

He scoffed, “No, her little boyfriend said he didn’t want me seeing it! It’s my story, I have the right!”

“You have no right-!” You started, raising your voice when he stopped by his car and turned to look at you.

“Hey, if he’s her boyfriend, what does that make you?” He cut you off with a smirk.

You glared coldly at him. “Leave. Now.”

He shook his head, “You chicks are all so fucking overdramatic.” He scoffed.

“I’m telling you to leave one more time before I call the cops.” You seethed, nails digging into your palms.

He stared at you for a moment like he couldn’t believe you would actually threaten to call the police. You guess he wasn’t use to women threatening him. He took a step closer to you, invading your personal space slightly but you stood your ground. The hatred you felt made it hard to be afraid of him.

“You know I wouldn’t expect a dike like you to understand but I’ve got a family now! Something like this could compeltly fuck up my life!” He pointed to himself like he was the victim being ganged up on.

“Oh you have a family now?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

“So tell me do you beat them too, tough guy? Or maybe I should call your wife and tell her what kind of man she really married?”

In retrospect following a violent man out into the parking lot by yourself to yell at him probably wasn’t a great idea. You heard the heavy theatre doors opening behind you at the same time you felt your head whip to the side followed by a harsh, stinging sensation in your cheek. The bastard had slapped you. Your hand flew up to your face, covering the spot where Sam had hit you. There was a shout and when you looked up Barry had Sam pinned to his car, his hand wrapped around his throat.

Your eyes widened in surprise as you saw the rage painted on Barry’s face. You had seen Barry mad before you thought, but you had never seen your sweet, awkward boyfriend like this before.

Like he could kill a man.

You straightened up as you watched Bary throw his fist into Sam’s face.

Again.

And Again.

“You don’t fucking touch them!” He shouted in Sam’s face.

You looked around the parking lot nervously but the three of you were the only ones outside. You knew this anger wasn’t just for you but for Sally too and all the pain Sam had inflicted. There was blood pouring from Sam’s nose that sat at an awkward angle on his face, clearly broken and his eyes were wide as he tried to pry Barry’s hands off of his throat. Barry was still squeezing Sam’s throat and for a second you were afraid that he was going to kill him in front of you.

“Barry!” You shouted, coming to your senses. You rushed forward and put your hands on his shoulders trying to push him back. “Barry come on, he’s not worth this!”

Barry looked over at you, eyes wild as they looked into your frightened, nervous ones. He looked between you and Sam. With his eyes still on you he pulled his hands off of the other man’s throat and took a step back, grabbing your wrist and taking you with him. He pushed you behind his back slightly as if Sam could still be a threat. As if Barry hadn’t just beaten him bloody. Sam was slumped against his car, touching his bloody face gingerly as he stared at Barry in shock.

“Leave.” Barry spoke coldly.

For once, Sam didn’t argue. He scrambled up and got into his car. He stared at you both and for a second you thought he was going to say something. But he stayed quiet as he raced out of the parking lot. Barry waited until Sam was gone before whirling around to look at you. He took your face in his hands gently, looking concerned as he turned your face from side to side to take in whatever damage Sam had caused. It was almost startling how gently he touched you after having beaten a man with those same hands.

“Are you okay?” He swallowed as he looked at the swelling spot on your cheekbone that would certainly leave a bruise. He clenched his jaw and shook his head, “I’m going to kill him.”

‘You almost did.’ You thought to yourself but just shook your head, pulling Barry’s hand from your face and squeezing it.

“Look I hate him too Bare. But Sally needs us both right now. Not you in jail for assault.”

He nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“I know, I know. I just everything he did to Sally-, and then I saw him hit you and I just-!”

He shook his head, jaw clenching. He looked back at you in surprise when you brought his hand up to your lips and kissed it. His face softened some at your gentle, understanding gaze.

“Thank you for trying to protect me.”

He shook his head. You never had to thank him for that. He leaned down and kissed your forehead gently.

“Why don’t you go back inside and check on Sally okay? I’m gonna head home and get cleaned up before she sees me.”

You nodded, “Yeah, yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” You glanced back at the theater where Sally was waiting inside, completely unaware of the scene that had just played out in the parking lot. You looked back at Barry. “Are you sure you’re okay?” You hesitated.

He forced a smile to you and nodded. “I just need a minute. I’ll be fine. Take care of Sally for me okay?”

Now that you could do. You leaned up and kissed him quickly before rushing back into the theater. With your back turned you completely missed the murderous look that had made its way back on Barry’s face.

Sally was crossing something out on her script when you got back into the theater.

“Hey, what do you think about-?” She turned to look at you and stopped mid sentence when she saw the bruise on your face. “What happened?!” She set her script down, crossing the stage quickly, brushing the hair out of your face to get a better look at the bruise on your face.

“It’s nothing.” You shook your head, “Just a misunderstanding.”

But Sally saw right through you. You watched realization dawn on her face and her expression drop.

“It was Sam wasn’t it?” She whispered.

With a sigh, you nodded. Tears welled in Sally’s green eyes breaking your heart. She shrunk back from you and lowered herself down to lean against the small table on stage.

“I left! I left and I moved halfway across the country and he is still trying to hurt me! Why can he still keep doing this?”

“Hey,” You breathed, rushing forward and rubbing your hands up and down her arms gently. “Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you ever again, okay? I promise.” She looked up at you and you smiled reassuringly, “This bruise? This is nothing. And did I tell you Barry kicked his ass for it?”

She sniffled shaking her head. You gently brushed the tears back from her eyes.

“He’s never gonna hurt any of us again Sally. You, me, and Barry have each other now and Barry and I aren’t gonna let him do anything.”

You were crying too now as you pressed your forehead to hers. She closed her eyes and shook her head.

“I’m sorry.” She muttered.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” You whispered back. “Not a damn thing.”

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wanna-b-poet31 · 5 years

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An (I should really retitle this series) 4-part Good Omens Meta Part 5: An Angel in Recovery

~~~Hey, look at me back at it again talking about abuse in Good Omens~~~

So like real talk, I could write a whole damn book on just trauma studies with Aziraphale and Crowley. Like no joke, I’m drafting my dissertation on disability and trauma. Expect at least 2 more parts of this multi-layered Meta because I have all the thoughts. #sorrynotsorry for how long this one is.

An Overview of Recovery

One of the things I just can’t get over is the ways in which Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship enable each other down the path of recovery from their respective abuse

I’ve been throwing around the word “recovery” pretty freely in my other installments. So, before dissecting their relationship, we need to know: what exactly DOES a recovery from an abusive environment actually look like?

Generally speaking (and I mean like really, really generally), trauma recovery has 3 goals:

establishment of safety,

remembrance or mourning of abuse,

the reinstitution of self/ sense of individual normalcy

It’s important to note that most recovery paths are non-linear and deeply personal. Meaning, no two paths are the same not even if they’ve undergone similar trauma or trauma from the same source/event. Some practitioners will cite as many as 10 steps, while others still say recovery is reached when the survivor shift from a place of unpredictable abuse/trauma to a place of safety >SOURCE <.

Aziraphale’s Recovery Needs

Throughout the series, Aziraphale is constantly threatened, subject to unsafe work/family dynamics, and forced to endure emotional abuse. Heaven’s stakes are unconscionably high, unfairly looming over the angel’s head. He constantly has to deal with the threat of falling, coupled with the constant belittling, and dismissive nature of the other Angels. His environment makes it hard for Aziraphale to recognize that Heaven is abusive. It doesn’t help that his primary coping skill is denial and repression. As long as he can’t recognize the problem, he simply can’t address the underlining issues causing his problems.

Consequently, he doesn’t acknowledge that Heaven isn’t the perfect, righteous power he thinks it is. Heaven isn’t safe. It’s violent, unforgiving, and more than willing to drop him like a rock. There is no security if something as small as asking questions, or loving Humanity (his job) is grounds for falling or permanent death. Yet, this is the place he idolizes, above even his lover best friend.

He can’t even consult other Angels to form his own sense of security in Heaven. None of the relationships we see (excepting Crowley) offer him solace, comfort or anything but abuse. If we include his human alliance with Shadwell, there’s another layer of homophobic abuse piling on his emotional abuse and physical intimidation.

To heal, Aziraphale’s recovery journey has five distinct stages: self-identification of his abuse, securing a safe space, confronting his abusers, cultivating a healthy relationship (with Crowley), and embracing his sense of self.

Abuse By Any Other Name

Aziraphale needs to come to terms with the trauma inflicted upon him by Heaven. And this isn’t to say he doesn’t notice that Gabriel is cruel to him, or that Sandalphon is about .25 seconds away from smiting everything and that’s dangerous, but he denies that these behaviors are inherent problems. Their behaviors, particularly toward him, his interests, and his loves are not respected, but he still treats them like unquestionable authorities. Admitting that there is a problem in the power dynamic, or at the very least the terms and conditions of Heaven are unjust, is the first thing Aziraphale needs to do to begin recovering from his toxic environment and toxic relationships.

Now, we do see Aziraphale push against his system of abuse, he lies to God for one thing, and maintains a relationship/agreement with Crowley for another. But his rebellions still regards Heaven above all other relationships. It is still where he claims his loyalties lay. Until he can admit that Heaven does not have his best interest at heart, he can’t undo their damage.

I argue that the first step in Aziraphale’s recovery is when he admits that he has a problem with the end of the world. It’s not a full admission of Heaven’s fault, but it is an admission that when he does not feel comfortable with Heaven’s actions he should and CAN intervene. Before, with Noah and Jesus, he watched, even though he objected and was horrified by the actions against innocence. We see this again when he seems visibly upset with “all the smiting” that Sandalphon does at Sodom and Gamorah. Despite his misgivings, he doesn’t intervene (at least not on-screen). Look at the below gif. He’s clearly pained by God’s decision, but he bites his tongue. It’s not that he doesn’t want to question, it’s that he can not question. He must soldier on.

We can see that when Gabriel brings up the possibility of “something big is coming”, he is visibly perturbed. Then, once Crowley tells him about the coming of the Anti-Christ. He recognizes that his love for humanity and his life on Earth is a tipping point that he’s unwilling to give up. But, he still does it by operating within the framework of Heaven.

The next crack happens when Aziraphale realizes Heaven is unsupportive of his efforts to save Heaven. His face visibly falls when Michael says they’ll forgive him for is an inevitable failure. He’s also upset by Gabriel who does give him encouragement, but in a tone that is clear, he thinks Aziraphale’s efforts are fruitless. Heaven makes it clear that war is more important than love for God’s creatures.

Then Aziraphale goes to Heaven, wielding information about the Anti-Christ. He knows where Adam is, he knows the beast is released, and he knows that Armageddon is days, if not hours, away. Yet, he falters. He’s all anxiety and nerves when he’s forced to talk to his so-called “side”, in a way he’s never like with Crowley. But this scene’s pièce de résistance is his choice to lie about the location of Adam. After first mentioning Crowley and all his wiles, he suddenly becomes uneasy. Gabriel asks “where” and Aziraphale recognizes that no one in the room cares about protecting humanity. Now, instead of the end of the world being his biggest problem, Angels (not yet Heaven) are. This is further supported by their intimidation of him after the break-up on the bandstand.

While this scene is certainly progress towards naming his problem, he’s not all the way there yet. He meets with Crowley, and Crowley scares him because he’s not ready to admit Heaven is intrinsically abusive the same way Crowley is. He still believes that Heaven, and the angels, are on his side, that they’re doing right. He’s mortified about the very realy possibility that if he chooses Crowley, he’ll lose his divinity. His later scene summoning Metatron shows that he believes so badly that if he can only get ahold of God, everything will be sorted. But, it isn’t.

It is only when he recognizes “hello god, it’s me Aziraphale” won’t get him shit, that HEAVEN is his problem. Not Crowley, not angels, not Hell, but Heaven is his abusive parent and he needs to pick which side he wants to be on.

So he chooses Crowley.

Sanctum Sanctorum

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times. Heaven is an empty, cold, and unloving place. There is no joy in its walls. There is no love for the Angels who dare enter. It’s a place where the Archangel Fucking Gabriel is willing to burn his “traitor” in a fire without a trial. In short, it’s unsafe. Aziraphale is, at the very least, unsafe their. Unsafe from judgmental eyes, unsafe from intimidation, and physically separated from the rest of the angels during every meeting.

Soho, in contrast, is very different. It’s very clear that Aziraphale’s shop is warm and alive with love. It’s where Aziraphale eats, prays, loves, and lives. He knows, even before he can name his problem, that Heaven isn’t home. So he creates one, a little oasis where he can invite Crowley for drinks, he can maintain his ever-growing book collection, and center himself.

He is safe here, on Earth, because it’s of his own choice. Agency (or the ability to make choices) is crucial for coping with trauma. It empowers survivors to maintain their recovery and help give them back control over their lives. In Heaven, Aziraphale has no agency. There is no food for him to taste, no lover best friend to go on dinner dates with, no books to quench his thirst for knowledge. In his bookshop though? He has all the freedom to be as hard or soft as he pleases, read whatever he pleases, eat or drink whatever he pleases, and love whomever he pleases, without fear of discipline.

It’s VERY important to note that 1 solitary character respects his sanctuary -- Crowley. Gabriel and Sandalphon barge in unannounced frequently, belittle his work and expect him to drop everything at a moment’s notice. Shadwell breaks and enters, calls him homophobic slurs and “kills” him. Sure Crowley miracles the locks open unannounced, but it’s only when the shop’s on fire and damn it Crowley has an Angel to save.

Every other character, except Crowley, belittles Aziraphale’s love of books and food, and warmth. Where other characters barge into his home uninvited, Crowley always asks express permission (minus when he’s being an action hero) to enter Aziraphale’s inter-most place of safety. Unlike everyone else, Crowley respects and loves Aziraphale enough to help him maintain a place of safety from the abuses of Trust they both find in Heaven.

The One Where Gabriel’s a Dick And Aziraphale Says FUCK YOU to Hell

Aziraphale realizes that the line between Heaven and Hell’s abuse is a fucking thin one. They team up to actively destroy the two things he loves and has been gaslighting, attacking, or traumatizing him to do it. As a way to start coping with the tremendous loss and trauma inherent in Armageddon't he comes to terms with his abusers.

There are three distinct moments where he does this. First is to Shadwell. The idiot of a man is constantly berating him, a presumed ally, with homophobic slurs. While ultimately a small moment, it’s one that Aziraphale desperately needs to confront if he has any hope of confronting his other abusers. When Aziraphale faces Shadwell, he does it with so much style. Not just does he reclaim the homophobic slur, but he also puts Shadwell in his place for using it in the first place. Honestly, Michael Sheen and Miranda Richardson deserve Awards for their performance here.

The second biggie is when he stands up to (the bastard archangel) Gabriel. Although I don’t doubt Aziraphale could cut someone with his flaming sword, his most powerful weapon is his words. He defends Adam’s choice to not destroy the world and confronts Gabriel’s use of the “great plan” vs. the ineffable one. Aziraphale knows that poking at Heaven’s excuse for destroying humanity won’t hold up. There is no rationale for waging war except “to see whose gang’s the best”. Speaking up like that, against a director of war, is ballsy, but Aziraphale does not care. He needs to confront the horrendous way Gabriel/Heaven has treated him, humanity, and Crowley.

And who supports him through this cathartic moment? Crowley. With a single glance, Crowley interjects and comes through, supporting Aziraphale’s (actually really clever) plan to protect Adam and the world. Crowley realizes Heaven and Hell don’t actually know what they’re doing, and that Aziraphale has them dead to right. Stepping closer to Aziraphale, protectively behind Adam, he pushes until Heaven and Hell are forced to admit defeat.

It’s a beautiful confrontation. A perfect Fuckkkkk you to 2 abusive entities.

The third distinct moment is the switch. While Hell specifically hasn’t actually targetted Aziraphale, they have done something worse. Attacked his support system. So, Aziraphale returns in kind, confronting his partner’s abusers head on. And look at the absolute GLEE he takes in showing off how indestructible to Holy Water his partner is. He’s making a performance of daring all of Hell to come after them, terrorizing them like they terrorized Crowley and him.

It’s also him coming to terms with the fact that yes, it’s him and Crowley against the (divine) World. The switch is so significant for so many reasons, but the primary one is that it allows Aziraphale the ability to face his biggest fear -- Hell -- and not flinch. The Threat of falling (like from Uriel/Michael/Sandalphon) and going to Hell terrifies our loveable bastard angel. He knew that he was disposable to Heaven, but he’s indisposable to Crowley. This confrontation allows him to come to terms with the unhealthy power dynamic of Heaven and begin the rest of his life with Crowley as equals. He’s not fully recovered (recovery is a process, not a finish line) but he’s faced all of his abusers.

Our Own side

His relationship with Crowley is the only damn thing that Aziraphale can always rely on. Heaven’s love is conditional. Humans live short lives compared to Azi’s immortality. And Hell wants him dead simply because he’s an Angel.

But Crowley? Dammit. Crowley will run into a burning building to save him. He’ll run into a church to save him, and then save his books because Crowley knows Aziraphale would forget. He’ll race to France DURING A REVOLUTION, to a PRISON to rescue Aziraphale. He’s Aziraphale’s constant companion, and really the only support he can always trust.

Crowley is the one to pull Aziraphale out of his abusive environment, enable him to act in the face of injustice, and support him as he faces down his abusers. He also respects the angel’s boundaries consistently, and while he’s been accused of going too fast, he’s patient, never pressuring Aziraphale to do something he’s truly uncomfortable doing. Normally, it’s already something Aziraphale wants to do, but can’t rationalize a reason to do it that would allow him to disobey Heaven. All the way up until shit hits the fan does Crowley refrain from making Aziraphale uncomfortable, and even at the breakup scene, Crowley forces it because he knows Aziraphale has to make a choice. Him or Heaven.

But, it’s Aziraphale choice and Crowley REFUSES to make it for him.

Heaven never consults Aziraphale on policy decisions, never initiates open communicates with Aziraphale, and certainly never treats Aziraphale as an equal. Crowley does. Crowley could easily have forced Aziraphale into his car and flew to Alpha Centurai. He could have forced Aziraphale to go with him in the bandstand. He could have forced Aziraphale to do any number of things without his consent, but he chooses not to. He chooses to be the honest entity Aziraphale needs in his life. He chooses Aziraphale, just as Aziraphale chooses him.

Even when they’re arguing, they share strong conflict resolution skills. Either they choose to talk it out unit they reach an understanding or, Crowley gets some fresh air, before consulting Aziraphale again. There is one moment when Crowley calls him stupid with any real bite to it, and it’s because Aziraphale, who is so close to admitting he has a problem, and that problem is Heaven, can’t make the last leap. Crowley, for the only time in the series, really insults Aziraphale because he needs one last ditch effort to take off the blinders, preventing Aziraphale from recognizing his trauma.

And after that? When Crowley is heartbroken and rejected for the second time? He still goes looking for Aziraphale. Unwilling to let anything damage the integrity of their relationship.

Crowley’s acts of kindness and love allow Aziraphale to finally recognize his past was unhealthy. But more than that, Crowley fulfills all the criteria needed for a healthy relationship according to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

And A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square

So What does this all mean? Where are we left at the end of the series? In a pretty good place actually. I said the final step was establishing a sense of self. Where was he before the abuse started? Or, if that’s impossible to know (given our data) What does he want his new normal to be?

A life with Crowley.

It’s clear that when Crowley invites him to stay at his place (if Aziraphale likes) the night of Armageddon’t, Aziraphale does because they both deserve. There’s a slight smile when Crowley offers, and like in 1941, the romantic music swells. Only half-heartedly does Aziraphale say his side wouldn’t like it, but both of them know they’re on each other’s side. Not Heaven. Not Hell. Just them.

Quite simply, he’s already told us what he wants moving forward. He wants to be with Crowley, perhaps one day the could go for a picnic, or dine at the Ritz, but always together. So, he does.

Recovery is not a destination, it’s a process. Thanks to Aziraphale’s healthy support system that is Crowley, he is able to start his recovery journey and end the series in a much healthier place than it started. Aziraphale is not “cured” by the end of the novel, but he is coping, and he is recovering. So long as Crowley’s by his side, he’s well on his way to healthy coping mechanisms, and living in a safe, loving environment with a partner who loves and respects him.

TLDR: Aziraphale is recovering from 6000 years of abuse and trauma. Crowley loves, supports, and helps heal him on his journey.

For More on this Series:

In Part 1 I wrote about how Heaven is hella abusive towards Aziraphale, but Crowley’s love facilitates his recovery

In Part 2 I wrote about how traumatized Crowley is, but thanks to Aziraphale’s love which facilitates Crowley’s recovery

Part 3 is the one where Aziraphale Has some Dubious Coping Skills

Part 4 looks at Anthony J. Crowley’s Poor Coping Skills+ the One Surprisingly Healthy One

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

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