itscrystql - Tumblr blog

[itscrystql]

but the voices won’t leave me

let me stay for one more time

i’ll come to full circle

and if the town misunderstands me

i hope i never make myself the villain in my own story,

i hope i never want to harm myself,

i hope i will find peace sooner.

[itscrystql]

why am i livid to the point of tears

what am i waiting for

what am i walking towards

what is it in life that i seek

[itscrystql]

being for real

i’d never survive a day in my own shoes

if i didn’t dance alone without music

[itscrystql]

Why is the intrinsic, fundamental importance of physical health such an unreal concept to me like i actually, in this current circumstance cant find a reason/tangible personal merit other than satisfaction of a desire for external validation like looking fit sells but actually do i need to be mrs physically A-Ok to get on with my life? i suppose not thank goodness(?) 🙄.

confessing it because at least ive tried externalising my thoughts (and how its thus far manifested into my daily living manners:) - i used to practise restricted eating along a similar guideline that Sounds something like this: Bruh youll LOOK TOO *big* or *Fugly*

and i hated what it implied for me because i actually dont perform for any of my female friends now like there used to be a friendly subtle sense of competition amongst your female friends and in general it wae just fun to be girls together and practise feminine things together and reap rewards and put your friends up on a respected pedestal and whatever like we celebrate each others wins in general (and i mean that shallowly but also erm i guess fundamentally iykwim….)..) so i confess now that im unhinged mentally im unhinging myself in This Aspect and so im not surprised if and When i LOOK unhinged becauee mentally and emotionally my heart is already unchecked! i LOOK 100KG BECAUSE I AM??? and also im not even practising restricted eating anymore like im literally doing the opposite of it when im conscious of a subtle want in me to exercise on that thought like id overeat even when im like Oh i Know this is enough for me. just so i can pull myself out of this crqzy game like Guys i am trying to not be vain and pretend like i owe my body and appearances to the hands of strangers who i act are the Health Police or people to give me Privilege or whatever it is i dont like that these literal strange acquaintances ( 🔥) would be living rent free in my mind (which is empty and has been since the start of my time)

[itscrystql]

imagine being so vain that you rejoice at the idea of viewing oneself in an (objectively) degrading manner.

[itscrystql]

so

she’s a girl

but if she calls herself one,

i’m not sure

so she’s a female

so why do her shoulder blades

cut me so deep with all their broadness

and each movement— of a man

more man than any man i know of my age

hurt me into some state of paralysis

and if she is female, ‘fee-mail’,

how could her entire shape make me surrender like a woman

submitting to their knees,

make me so hopefully convinced

that they are more precious than stone itself

[itscrystql]

somewhere,

over rooftops

a bird flaps its wings,

so free,

ungrounded,

utterly and blissfully unaware

of all the trials and tribulations you have known

and this i call

the luxury of not having to make decisions in perfect clarity

of navigation in a haze,

a shameful human i am

in moments of sufferance i know are temporary

and the best (worst) part of it all

i choose this life.

[itscrystql]

(on a 6pm on a sunday night, or the equivalent) everything’s fine, everything’s perfect and dandy

[itscrystql]

i am sorry for only seeking

to reinforce understandings

of pessimistic concepts

i confess

they are things i fall upon

when i’m not very proud of what i am doing

still id like to believe

in some inherent, unmoving good in me

still i see my attempts to find light in my own black hole

as foreshadowing representations of human nature’s

worst sides, and somehow i am convinced

that no matter how much we do the evil could not be removed

when ironically so i have not even

began to try for myself.

and when i do, i ask

if these realities would start shifting

when one day i’ve no choice but to be the evil

because my own selfish success and pride is

what i chose to start chase for

i ask myself

what would i like to stand for

when i have never quite gotten off the floor

[itscrystql]

altruism can exist but not absolutely

[itscrystql]

what you have is what you accept

[itscrystql]

i’m unfit and i

don’t care to fix it

don’t want privilege of appearing decent

could i find something more beautiful than the waves of the shiny blue waters

glimmering when the sun hits, endless curves of pristine light

only to be found in clean, shallow pools

could i find something deeper than the darkness

that surrounds the trapped in the caves

for all those daydreaming in the night,

dancing in the obsidian air in a deluded high

if only to prolong how far my knowledge goes,

how much more time do i have

before my mistakes stain the landscape

i only wanted to do what felt right.

[itscrystql]

and the only thing i believed in

was too much time

to waste

[itscrystql]

love and money

give me some

why, my momma never cared….

if only to discard life itself with a laugh,

to be a soldier of steel in the face of my uncle’s disapproving sneer,

last night i dreamt i was seated

between my mother and a cousin distantly related to me.

in a car on a congested highway,

after travelling overseas in air with the political stakes heavy and rife with tension.

and my mother had political stances

running her decisions

like they belonged to a single individual,

with nothing to lose, only her own fate sacrificed—

i wish that wouldn’t be the case.

my mom loved children,

or so she appears to,

but when encountered with a puzzling or dangerous situation that risks the wellbeing of either party,

more often than not the care is on the child—

my mum is indifferent, utterly so.

numb and i’m not sure why,

if she even had a heart capable of duty that i feel despite not bearing my own yet,

if she’s so caught up that her inability to forge true attachment plagues her so.

and it haunts me, until after my uncle cuts many sports cars in congested clusters on the road,

that suddenly a momentary booming of shrapnel exploded behind us,

and suddenly i see it in third person—

a shadow of black and steam rising from the metal back seat door,

the one that caged my mom first.

i rushed to her, foremostly afraid of karma having shown somebody that the world is as merciless as they believe,

as unforgivable, as ruthless.

thankfully it was not that severe, alas i saw a wound in the back of her black hair

it made her hair red and purple in the light,

and then i woke up

clutching onto life and the idea of how immensely safe i am and feel,

in my own bubble wishing that something would happen to one of us.

now knowing that love and money is truly so afar away,

because i know the nightmare was but a realistic simulation.

i’ve pushed away all the beneficiaries that could have helped me,

and the other sons of the rich daddies and mommies and families

could not really care less, if you will.

and what hurts me is that while my mom wouldn’t have wanted to try to salvage any of it,

i still do for her, the woman i am forced to believe is my mum, i do, one thousand times over and again,

i could never break attachment from her.

[itscrystql]

the feeling that haunts me

that even at my peak

a shadow is at my feet

and it follows me everywhere

the vision of someone better,

doing myself better than i am

and it slaps me in my reflection—

if i am going to always be a cheap replica of my own.

[itscrystql]

chocolate

[itscrystql]

spare some for me

most vulnerable, most lonely,

i’m incapable of a smile

in the midnight, in the shadows, you could not save me

and if i am deserving of a saviour’s grace

if i need to depend on another to tell me so

to answer my questions

it would be forever beyond me

it would be forever haunting me