#Gem reminds me of Ellie so I had to

[mirconreadzztuff22]

Gem is so adorable I can’t UGH I need to write something for Sev and Gem being goofy or some shit whenever I can but RAHH

(Also for the pookies who love the duo; @archangeldyke-all @schmoni )

[wildemaven]

bloom : two | joel miller

-> pairing: joel miller x florist f!reader

-> wc: 4024

-> content warning: lots if fluff and mutual pining, ellie being ellie (terrifying at times), talks of divorce and failed relationships, mention of food, reader is a single mom (adoption) and has zero physical descriptions

-> a/n: excited to share this! everyone is meeting and things are happening. big thank you to @gnpwdrnwhiskey for being a gem and listening to me stress over this and reading through this and correcting all my mistakes— she’s truly the best!

one / series masterlist / playlist

Sarah keeps asking questions. 

She always has, ever since the day she could form coherent sentences. Always wanting to know more, seeking out more information to feel informed and ready for her next move. 

So it comes as no surprise that she’s asked him the same question about five different times in the span of 24 hours.

“So, where are we going again?” Sarah’s question floats through the cab in between munching on the tart green grapes she brought along to snack on. 

“That flower shop. That one you always comment on when we drive by— Wilder Floral. I got your flowers from them.” Joel glances over to where Sarah is sitting in the passenger seat. 

“Hmm. Oh yes, the place you haven’t been able to stop raving about for the last week. Remind me why we are getting flowers?” Popping another grape into her mouth. 

“For Nana. Why you askin’ so many questions? I already told ya all of this.”

“Just tryin’ to get a better understanding as to why we’re goin’ to buy Nana flowers. Her birthday isn’t for another 6 months, and there’s no occasion that would require flowers that I know of.”

“Why you goin’ so hard in your ole man? Can’t I buy my mom flowers, just because.”

“Never said you couldn’t. Just askin’ that’s all.” Her exposed hands in front of her show no ill intent was intended. 

“Alright, ‘nough interrogating me. We’re here— hey, let’s keep all this talk about me not shuttin’ up about this place here in the truck, ‘kay?” Joel says as he pulls his truck up alongside the curb in front of the floral shop. 

“Sure, Dad.” She says before hopping out onto the sidewalk and closing the door behind her. 

The bell rings as he pushes the door open, allowing Sarah to walk in, following right behind her. The shop hasn’t changed much in a week's time. There’s new arrangements in the case, some similar to ones he looked over last week, some different. There’s buckets of flowers of all shapes and shades lining the ground near the workbench— trimmings scattered across the top must mean they’re being prepped for use in new arrangements. 

Joel continues to scan the space, in hopes to land on a familiar face who has overwhelmed his every thought for the better part of the last week. 

“Look what the cat dragged back in.” A voice pulls his attention to the side of the entrance, a spot he hadn’t looked over yet. 

“Ellie. It’s good to see you too.” Joel gruffs, shoving his hands in his pockets, wanting to feel less exposed to her cynicism. 

“Couldn’t stay away long, could ya?” Ellie snarks, leaning into the broom handle she has in her grip. 

“Um, guess not. This is Sarah, my daughter I was tellin’ ya bout last week.” Joel gestures to where Sarah is standing next to him. 

“Hey, aren’t you the girl that plays guitar at school?” Sarah asks, thinking she knew she had recognized Ellie from somewhere, then placed her as the girl who sits on the brick wall at lunch with her acoustic guitar, singing an array of classic ballads. 

“Uh, yeah. I didn’t think anyone ever really paid attention though.” Ellie seems to have shrunk down a little, a twinge of self consciousness washing over her. 

“I thought you looked familiar! Dad, this is the girl I was telling you about the other week, the girl who was singing The Sun Always Shines on T.V.” Sarah reminds Joel. “My dad has been singing that song to me since I was a baby.”

“No shit?” Ellie looks at Joel briefly, studying him, as if trying to imagine how he’d look and sound. 

“Yeah, you’re really good. I always stop and listen when you play.” 

Joel watches how Ellie absorbs the information, the slight grin that she tries to hide as she looks at the pile of dust and flower clippings she had been sweeping before they had walked in.

“Thanks.” Ellie huffs out, the compliment unexpected since no one at school ever seems to notice her playing, she doesn’t mind, but she’s grateful there’s at least one person enjoying when she does. 

“Small world. Anyway, we were in the neighborhood and wanted to get some flowers and thought we’d stop in to get some for her Nana.” Joel breaks the silence, pulling Sarah in front of him, his hands on her shoulders to keep a barrier between him and Ellie’s sharp words. Sarah gives her a meek smile and wave. 

“Makes sense, seeing as how we’re a flower shop.” A burst of air snaps from the gum Ellie is gnawing at, her sarcasm fully intact and back in action, her brows shooting up at the obvious reasoning for Joel and Sarah’s visit for flowers. 

“Is your mom around by chance?” He asks, peeking in the direction of the doorway that leads to the back room.

His hold on Sarah’s shoulders tightens slightly when she tries to wiggle herself away from his grip, hoping she could free herself from the awkwardness that’s started to simmer. 

“Well, seeing as how she owns the place, what do you think old man?” And she’s back, Ellie’s brutal response has Joel speechless. Sarah ducks her head to hide her snickering at her dad being called an ‘old man.’

“Ellie!” Your voice booms through the shop, catching the tailend of what Ellie had said to Joel. 

Joel turns to see you frozen in place. You look mortified by Ellie’s bluntness, your grip tight around the buckle of florals you have in your arms. 

“What?” Ellie rolls her eyes as she looks over to you. 

“Knock it off! Don’t be rude— especially to the customers.” You say as you make your way to your workbench, your calculated steps indicating the contents of the bucket are heavier than they look. 

“But it’s not just any customer, it’s Mister I’m sliding into third base Joel.” Ellie snarks, looking at Joel with the biggest shit-eating grin he’s ever seen. “Besides, I’m just kidding! Geez— no need to get your undies twisted.”

Sarah pretends to take in the store, avoiding the back and forth taking place around her, biting back the laughter that’s been building in her chest. 

Joel takes this as his cue to leave Sarah with Ellie, deciding she’s far less likely to be hit with a barrage of sarcastic remarks based on how well Ellie took her compliment about her singing and guitar playing. 

“Here let me help you with that.” Joel says as he jogs over towards you, his arms reaching out for the bucket ready to take on the load himself. 

“Oh! You don’t have to do that—“ You start to tell him, but he’s already grabbing the bucket from you, placing it alongside the other ones you already carried out prior to their arrival. “Thank you!”

“Don’t mention it.” The way you’re looking at him has his heart rate ticking up a few beats, feeling fidgety as he tightens his hands into a fist then releases, trying to release the nervous energy that is flowing through him. “How’s the finger doin’? No other  injuries I hope.”

“No other injuries and the finger healed up nicely. Thanks to a wonderful stranger coming to my rescue.” You hold up the finger in question. No bandage. No sign of where the rose thorn had embedded itself into your skin. “It was probably the kiss— you know, that made it better and all.”

Joel reaches out, his hand wrapping gently around your wrist, needing to inspect the injury site for himself. He places your hand in his, his thumb tracking up your exposed palm and the length of your finger, smoothing over the area he had the privilege to be up close and personal with a week ago. He likes the way your skin feels under his touch, silk like and warm, even with how much you work with them. He has to rein in his fiery thoughts, wanting to know how every inch of you would feel. 

“Always does the trick.” His voice teeters on a nice balance of gentle and rough. 

Joel looks up from where he’s still holding you. Your eyes already fixed on him, beaming and bright, giving your smile a run for its money. He’s not quite sure what convinces him to do it for a second time, but finds he doesn’t really care either when he places a kiss on the pulse point of your wrist. He  lets his lips linger for a moment, catching the brief gasp you let out and the way he can feel your pulse quicken as the milliseconds tick on.

“I-I didn’t think I’d see you so soon. A very welcomed surprise to my busy week.” Your voice soothes something within him, seeping into his heart and filling the cracks he struggled to keep from breaking entirely. 

“Sarah and I were in the area and thought we’d stop in again— as promised. Need to get some flowers for Nana— my mom, her grandma.” 

“Well, I appreciate you stopping in. What’s the occasion?” You ask as Joel gently releases your hand, you pull your clippers from your well worn canvas apron, placing them next to your other tools. 

“Uhh, no real reason. Just ‘cause.” But what he really wants to say is ‘Just ‘cause I needed to see you again, and this seemed like the best way to do it.’

He’s not sure what it is, but he felt it the last time he was here too. This blooming effervescent attraction to you. Infatuated by your mere presence in such a short time. He usually runs in the opposite direction when feelings and commitment start to unveil themselves, but something about you has him running straight for the things that scare him the most— wanting to know if you feel it too.

When Joel thinks back on his dating history, post divorce, he can’t remember a time where he actively went out of his way to see someone. It could have been because there hasn’t really been anyone serious since he and Sarah’s mom divorced. There've been a lot of blind dates set up by friends and his brother Tommy, none of them making it to a second date or really establishing themselves as relationships. He’s met a few women that he thought had potential for a future with, one he had even considered proposing to after a year of dating, but it ended when she decided marriage and a kid wasn’t something she saw in her life at that moment. Joel put dating on the back burner, focused on getting his construction company off the ground and Sarah being his main priority as far as he was concerned. 

Then Joel walked into your shop last week, and everything he thought he would never have or deserve was gone. And now he finds himself searching for any reason to walk through that front door of your little flower shop, just so he can see the way your face lights up. 

“That’s so sweet of you! I’m sure she’ll love Just Cause flowers— everyone always does. I have these new arrangements I just put together if you want to give her one of these??” Pointing to the several arrangements in glass vases that you had been working on all morning. “These protea are my favorite to work with. Their petals are kind of velvety and they’re perfect long after the rest of the arrangement has expired, she can dry them and have them forever. They are kind of cool flowers too, they’re adapted to survive wildfires because their stem contains buds that will produce new growth after fires. And they’re one of the oldest living flowers on the planet, so that makes them double cool.” 

Joel studies you as you continue to share random floral facts with him, adjusting and readjusting the arrangement in front of you. Each flower placed with intention, pausing from time to time to take a slight step back, your head tilting to the side as you look over everything as a whole, then back to arranging and rearranging. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to ramble like that.” You say as you look to where Joel is leaning one hip into your workbench, as he hangs on every word you're saying. 

“No, don't be sorry. I like it.”

There’s an ease that flows nicely between you. Joel wants to pick your brain, find out what makes you happy, the things that make you sad— all the things in between. He wants to talk to you for hours on end, or not talk at all and just listen— to anything and everything you have to say. 

“Like what?” 

“Listenin’ to you talk. I like it— a lot actually. And the little facts too. Shows how much you love what you do to learn special details like that. You could be tellin’ me about how mushrooms could start a zombie apocalypse, and I’d find it interesting— terrifying, but interesting.” Joel hopes you can hear that he genuinely means it.  

“Well, I won’t tell you how that possibility is more likely to happen than you think based on the research that’s been done over the years.” You both laugh at how ridiculous sounding a mushroom zombie apocalypse would be. 

“They seem to be getting along nicely.” Your chin pointing over to where Ellie and Sarah are giggling to themselves at the front part of the shop. 

“Sarah’s a pretty easy goin’ kid. Gets along with pretty much everyone she meets, even Ellie it seems.” Joel looks over his shoulder at the girls. 

You both share bits about each of them. Their differences, similarities and all the fun little quirks they’ve both had since they were babies. 

Joel asks about Ellie’s singing, and you tell him how she taught herself by checking out books at the library to help her master the chords and beginner songs. Joel tells you how he used to play growing up and that he doesn’t play as much as he would like to now, but sometimes Sarah can twist his arm enough to dust off his guitar and strum out a few songs at the end of barbecues or random summer evenings. 

He tells you about Sarah’s latest soccer game, how she’s an all-star player and usually helps carry the team to victory throughout the season. You tell him how Ellie had been on the track team briefly, she was a sprinter, but was kicked off the team for punching a runner from another school because she had elbowed Ellie during the 400m race, causing her to trip and lose. 

An hour passed before you both don’t realize you’ve been caught up talking about your kids. 

*

“She’s like head over heels in love with your dad. She literally jumps when the front door dings, hoping it’s him again. It’s gross.” Ellie tells Sarah, looking over to where you and Joel are, completely wrapped up in a moment together. 

“Hmm. We stopped in to get my Nana flowers.“ Sarah repeats what Joel had told Ellie earlier. 

“Your dad mentioned that when you came in.” 

“Yeah, well she’s been on vacation for a month and won’t be back for another month. So I don’t think we are here just getting my Nana flowers.” Sarah takes a glance over now to see you and Joel laughing. “I think it’s safe to say my dad is just as head over heels for your mom, too.” 

*

“Well, we’ll get outta your hair. Promised Sarah we’d stop on our way home at The Picnic, get some lunch and ice cream.” Hating that he can’t stay, knowing that he can’t hog all your time— but maybe one day.

“Oh I’ve always wanted to go there. I’ve heard so many great things about all their food trucks. Ellie and I will have to check it out sometime. She’s on a Chef Boyardee kick right now, as one would be when they’re a preteen. Would be nice to mix it up for her though.”

If it wasn’t too forward with it only being his second time meeting you, Joel would ask if you and Ellie wanted to join them. He would even chance the gutsiness and ask you out, spend the evening getting to know you better until both your stomachs and hearts were full. Ellie’s words hit him, “she needs to be wined and dined before you even think about kissing her.”

“Nothin’ wrong with some canned ravioli— lived on that shit in college. But yeah, you both would enjoy it. Definitely take her.” He decides gutsiness isn’t winning today, or it’s his fear of being on the receiving end of Ellie’s wrath that has him wanting to do it the right way, just not today. 

“I hope Nana loves these. And feels special getting just ‘cause flowers.” You hand Joel the ceramic container filled with different shades of pinks and greens in varying heights, shapes and textures. 

“I’m sure she’ll love ‘em no doubt. How much do I owe you?” He gives the flowers a look over, not in an analyzing manner, but admiring the way you manage to take these flowers and effortlessly pair them all together and create something special. 

“You’re in luck! I’m running a special today!.” 

“A special?” Joel is frozen in confusion. 

“Yes! Free to customers that go by the name of Joel.” You say sweetly, he catches the way you bite at your bottom lip after you say his name. 

“‘N what are you gonna do when another Joel walks in wantin’ some of your pretty flowers?” 

“Well, there’s limits of course. And it’s only valid for one Joel.” You wink at him, prompting his stomach to flip and knot up. He needs to ask you out!

“No, I can’t let you do that again. Let me pay this time, please.” He insists, setting the arrangement down on the counter he pulls his wallet from his back pocket, flipping through the large bills stashed inside. “How much?” 

“Joel— my shop, my rules. There’s no arguing— just take the flowers.” 

“Hi! I’m Sarah. Thank you so much for the flowers, my dad and I haven’t been able to stop talking about them. I have been bugging my dad to bring me here, it’s so pretty.” Sarah tells you as she stands next to Joel, arms crossed over the counter. 

“You are so welcome. So glad you’re enjoying them.” Even with this brief interaction, you decided Sarah is one of the sweetest teenagers you’ve ever met— Ellie wouldn’t even take offense if you told her such, she would most likely shrug and agree. 

“Hey, Dad. Are you almost ready to go? I’m starting to get hungry.” Sarah asks, turning to look up at him. 

“Right— sorry, babygirl. We got caught up talkin’ and now I’m tryin’ to convince her to let me pay, but she’s insistin’ we just take the flowers.” 

“Sounds like you shouldn’t argue with her. Just say thank you and take the flowers.” Sarah grabs the arrangement and snags Joel’s keys that are dangling from the front pocket of his jeans then starts to head for the door. “I’ll meet you in the truck dad. It was nice meeting you!”

You wave goodbye to her and watch as she stops on her way out to tell Ellie bye, telling her she’ll see her around at school, the bell dings and the door slowly closes as she walks out. She settles herself into Joel’s truck, its engine roaring to life soon after, signaling Joel to say his farewells and head finally head out. 

“I guess I’ll see you around then.” Joel slowly walks backwards, prolonging his departure from you. 

“I’ll see you around Joel. Hopefully sooner than later.” You wave to him then you’re straight back into work mode, moving buckets of flowers to be cleaned and prepped for your next round of arrangements. 

Joel’s hand settles on the door, but releases it and turns back to where Ellie is finishing up her sweeping through the shop, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before he interrupts her. 

“If you take a picture it’ll last longer. Although, might be a little weird with you bein’ an old man and all.” Ellie is quick on her feet. Joel hopes that’s the last of her intimidation tactics. 

“Hey, umm— don’t say anything to your mom ‘bout this, but sometime this week why don’t you take her out to eat somewhere. Give her a break from cookin’ and what not.” He holds a double folded $100 bill between his middle and pointer finger, encouraging Ellie to take it from him. 

“This feels like some sort of thing my mom should've warned me about. We’re not a charity case, we don’t need your money.” She continues sweeping, grabbing leaves and a few days worth of dust bunnies that have collected under display tables. 

“It’s not— I don’t think you’re a charity case. I just— I wanted to— umm.” Joel releases a deep sigh. He’s flustered, stumbling over his words trying to figure out what he is wanting to say. 

“You wanted to ask my mom out, but you’re too much of a chickenshit. So you’re conning me into taking her out instead. Thinking that maybe I’ll soften up to you a bit.” 

“Yeah, pretty much all of that.” Joel huffs out a laugh, shaking his head at how easily she was able to read him. 

“I’ll tell ya what— I’ll take her somewhere, but I keep half.” Ellie bargains with him, making sure she still has the upper hand.

“Half?” 

“Kids gotta make a livin’ somehow.”

Joel thinks it over, actually contemplates the pros and cons of being worked over by Ellie. Each positive gained him an in with Ellie, not really a guarantee, but he’s hopeful that maybe she would consider downgrading her verbal assaults a notch or two. The only negative Joel  can come up with is… Ellie keeps the money and he has to come at this from a different angle, one he’s not really sure about yet. 

“Okay, okay. You keep half, but take her somewhere nice-nice.” He holds the bill again out to her, she snatches it quickly and shoves it in her back pocket. 

“Yeah, yeah old man. Under one condition. Next time you come in here acting like you’re buying flowers just so you can see her— you ask her out yourself. None of this middle man BS.” 

“You gotta deal, kid.” He holds his hand out to her, and they shake on it. A truce cementing the fact that he agrees to not being a chickenshit— something he’s not sure he’s ever been called before. “Maybe go easy on the old man part a bit.”

“See ya around ol— Joel.”

“See ya later, Ellie.” 

*

The driver door slams shut as Joel settles into the seat. The cold air already flowing through the cab, Sarah singing along to The Clash with the flowers secure in her lap. Joel fastens his seatbelt and shifts the truck into drive, his thumb drumming along to the beat as he drives away. 

“So, you got a crush on the cute flower lady?” Sarah asks, her infectious smile extending from ear to ear. 

“What? I— what makes you think that?” He looks over to her, his brows slightly raised at her suggesting he likes you— he does, he just didn’t realize it would be two teenagers picking up on it. . 

“For starters, Nana’s been on vacation for a month, and she won’t be back for a while. But also the way you look at her, it’s so obvious.” She plays with the petals of the flowers, waiting for Joel’s response. 

“Anyone ever told ya you’re a smart kid?” He shakes his head and laughs. 

“Yeah, you do all the time Dad. So, are you gonna ask her out?” 

“I’m afraid if I don’t, Ellie’s gonna have a hit-man out for me.” He’s joking, but also not. “Yeah, I’m gonna ask her out.”

[whositmcwhatsit]

Chapter 3

AN: Well, this whole writing thing got away from me for a bit, sorry everyone! Thank you to my alpha @thatbanditqueen, who decodes my gibberish, and a big thank you to @vintageshanny, @ellie-24 and @be-my-ally for keeping me sane without even knowing it.

Here are the previous chapters since you'll definitely need to be remind yourself what it's all about!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

There was a sharp rapping at the door after lunch the next day. Sally had gone back to the room to change into her bikini and robe, deciding to brave the poolside because she was tired of looking like the washed-out spirit of some pioneer girl haunting the hotel.

Thinking it was Laura checking on why she was taking so long, Sally threw open the door as she went to the mirror and adjusted the bikini top beneath her loose peasant blouse.

“Do you think I should untie the straps on this thing? I don’t want to have white lines on my shoulders.”

The tall man standing in the doorway raised his eyebrows behind his sunglasses and flashed a wide smile.

“Uh, I don’t know that I’m qualified to answer that one, Miss,” he replied amiably with a shrug.

Sally whirled round, feeling her mortified blush tingle as it hit her hairline.

“Oh gosh, I thought you were someone else,” she mumbled lamely. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, my name’s Sonny. I work for-“ He pointed a finger up and Sally frowned.

“God?” Utah wasn’t a million miles away but surely they didn’t send missionaries to the Las Vegas casino hotels. That just seemed unfair on both sides.

“What?” He gave a sharp laugh. “No!” He shot her a look like he thought she was either dumb or crazy, maybe a mixture of both. But she wasn’t the one who cased the corridor like a secret agent before murmuring: “Elvis. I work for Elvis.”

“Oh.” She thought that he was maybe waiting for more of a reaction, but after worrying that he was a Mormon missionary, the fact that he was one of Elvis’ guys was a relief.

“Uh, anyway, my boss wanted me to bring you these-“ He whipped out the tickets for that night’s show. “And, uh, this.” He held out a small, dark green velvet case in his other hand. She took both and frowned again at his look of expectation.

“Do you… Oh, I don’t really have any cash on me right now. Hang on a second, I can check-”

“God, no.” He wiped his face with a big meaty hand and yanked off his sunglasses, fixing her with a look that she thought was supposed to be intimidating but just looked exhausted. “Can you open it please? I’m s’posed to let him know how you… acted.”

“No pressure,” she muttered, lifting the lid.

Inside was a gold bracelet interlaced around emeralds circled by little diamonds. It looked like something the Queen of England might wear to a soiree, not a teller from a bank in the middle of nowhere. Not without being accused of embezzlement.

All of that ran through her head as she stared open-mouthed. Finally, she remembered her audience and she glanced back up.

“Can you tell him that I was overjoyed and jumped up and down and was grateful?” she asked, worrying that she hadn’t accrued enough goodwill to get him to lie for her. “I am very grateful, really grateful, but this is… I’ve never even seen anything like this before, let alone touched it.” She tentatively put a finger to the metal; it felt cool against her fingertip.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him.” He slid his sunglasses back on and gave her a small smile and a nod. “I’ll see ya.”

Sally nodded back and closed the door, clutching the tickets and bracelet to her chest. “Well, that was weird.”

At the pool, Laura huddled over the bracelet, pulling Sally’s wrist close to her near-sighted eyes like she was a jeweler, appraising gems.

“You think they’re real?” she asked, tilting Sally’s arm to see the stones caught the sun. Sally looked around at the other people on the sun loungers, feeling slightly too conspicuous thrusting precious stones in the air.

“I don’t know.”

“And you didn’t even have to sleep with him.”

“Keep your voice down!” Sally hissed, snatching her arm away.

“I’m just saying, you’ve got to be careful playing hard to get, you know, Sal, they can get tired of it real suddenly.”

“That’s not what I’m doing. I wouldn’t do that.”

Sally could imagine that he would be able to see through that pretty quickly too. He seemed to do that, to see deeper than people thought he did, or at least it felt like he did when his eyes were on you.

Almost as if she was afraid of being caught, she glanced up at the towering white façade of the hotel. It rose up and disappeared into the shimmering heat of the endless blue sky. Somewhere, right at the very top, which she couldn’t make out from the bottom, he was there. She wondered if he was thinking about her. Maybe he was looking down at the pool… She felt her cheeks heat up and she had to look away just in case.

That evening, she and Laura were standing in line for the dinner show. At the front were the devoted fans who had probably started queuing while they were still at the pool.

“Imagine if they knew you what you got up to last night,” Laura remarked, wiggling her eyebrows. She seemed more excited by the cachet of Sally’s relationship, such as it was, with Elvis, than Sally herself was. “What? It’s okay to enjoy things, Sal, Jesus!”

Sally opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Emilio the maître de who had somehow picked them out of the crowd of heavily made-up glamorously dressed women.

“The Beatles fan… Sally, is it not?” He pecked both her cheeks and then grabbed her fingers, wrapping them around his crooked arm. “We have been told to take extra special care of you.”

Sally glanced back at Laura, who had snatched hold of her other arm, and pulled a face. They giggled as they were escorted past all the baleful looking people in front of them in the queue.

“It’s like being a movie star!” she whispered to Laura.

“Now you’re getting it.”

Sitting in the central booth again, they felt highly visible as the room rapidly filled and staff served dinner. Sally watched the tables beside the stage fill up, the biggest tippers sitting central, women only closest to the stage.

“You know, some people come all the way from Japan and England and Australia just to watch these shows. Not even on vacation, just to see Elvis. The other night, I was talking to some people from South Africa!”

“Well, older folks have more money I guess,” Laura murmured, sipping her champagne.

“It’s not just older people,” she murmured, hearing how defensive she sounded. Laura shrugged, but didn’t reply as the lights started to go down.

The show passed in a blur of lights, sounds and, of course, music. Sally could tell that Elvis was getting more comfortable on the stage with each show, the patter between each song was becoming longer, sometimes surreal, usually funny, and he was cutting up during the songs more, swapping lyrics, usually for something dirty. The audiences seemed to enjoy it, and he certainly seemed to thrive on that.

Joe appeared during the piano intro for ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love.’ This time, he didn’t ask them to come backstage, he just gave them a smirk and gestured for them to go ahead of him.

In the wood panelled outer dressing room, Sally recognised some of the stars in the crowd, there were the actors from the Mod Squad, over there was Glen Campbell, but there was only one face she was looking for. She stayed back as the inner dressing room door opened, there was a glimpse of fleur-de-lis wallpaper, and Elvis came out.

Sally thought he looked anxious as he emerged, but even as her brain was registering it, his face relaxed into his usual charismatic smirk and he scanned the room. She averted her eyes, her stomach fluttering manically, and tried to look casual. She twitched a nervous smile at a stranger across the room and looked around for Laura, finding her beaming up at a tall, tanned older man.

Shaking her head, Sally turned back and almost banged her nose on Elvis’ chest.

“Oh!”

“Snuck up on ya, didn’t I!” He looked pretty pleased with himself even as he grabbed her forearm so that she didn’t stumble back. He pulled on her arm a little harder, tugging her towards him so that he could lean down and give her a lingering kiss on the cheek. She felt a wave of goosebumps ripple up her spine as her hand brushed against his suit jacket and his cologne tickled her nose.

“You did, I almost pulled out my pepper spray.”

“Pepper spray?! Hell, that ain’t no good, honey, that’s just seasoning. We oughta see about getting you a gun.”

“Oh, no thank you,” she replied, pulling a face.

“Not a big one,” he reassured her, like that was the problem. “You know, they make ‘em small enough that you can just put it in your purse.”

She envisioned fishing around for a mint or lipstick and shooting herself instead.

“I think I’m more comfortable with the pepper spray.”

Elvis pulled a face that told her that he wasn’t, but luckily they were interrupted by one of his famous guests, who leant right across her to shake Elvis’ hand and pat him on the shoulder. Sally moved back before she was elbowed. She almost stepped on the foot of a man behind her who was wearing a jacket covered in Elvis pins. It was a comedy of errors as she shuffled and circled and edged out of everyone’s way. She found herself pressed up against a decorative carpet that hung against the wall, overshadowed by a dark wood cabinet. It didn’t feel that different from the showroom, standing at a distance, watching him say his lines and his audience beaming at him. Even off stage he was still always giving a performance.

After about half an hour, the tall man who had delivered her bracelet- Sonny- gave her a pleasant smile and asked her to come with him. She glanced over at where Elvis was explaining something with animated hand gestures to a rapt group of men and women. The group let out a loud collective laugh as Sally grabbed Laura and they followed Sonny from the room.

“Where’s Elvis?” Laura asked as they walked along the bland tiled corridor towards the elevators.

“He’ll be coming along,” Sonny replied, pausing to introduce himself. Laura’s eyes lingered on him a little longer and Sally looked down to hide her knowing smile.

The elevator ride felt like an interrogation as Laura questioned Sonny on himself, on Elvis, on Hollywood, and anything else that caught her attention. Laura’s enthusiasm was unphased by Sonny’s stoicism, even after he mentioned his fiancée. Sally envied her friend’s confidence and self-assurance. Laura was the top saleswoman back home every month because she had a knack of dragging customers into conversations and building rapport with them so that when she mentioned that she was worried that they were not sufficiently covered by insurance, or that they could get that home renovation done now if they just signed up for a little, low-interest home loan, they felt they were being advised by a friend. If anyone had told Sally that one of them would get noticed by Elvis while on vacation, she would have bet all her cash on Laura.

Up in the Imperial suite, Sonny brought the women a drink and settled them in the den like they were his house guests. He seemed to have succumbed to Laura’s charms, sitting beside her on the couch and stretching out his arm behind her. Sally clutched her drink and surveyed the room, pretending to be intensely interested in the chandelier as Laura giggled quietly off to her right.

Finally, the door of the suite burst open and half a dozen guys strode in together. They all seemed to be talking at once, laughing at some in-joke. Elvis appeared amidst the group and the corner of his mouth twitched up as he caught sight of her. He made a beeline for her as his entourage peeled off and headed in different directions. Joe handed him a bottle of water, still talking to him, but it didn’t slow Elvis’ stride as he came and stood in front of her.

Without a word, he took the drink from her and placed it on the side table, then grabbed hold of her hand and pulled her to her feet.

“C’mon, honey, let’s go hide.”

Sally bit down on her lips to stop herself grinning like a cartoon as he tugged her along behind him. He took big strides so she had to half jog in her heels to keep up and she kept her eyes on the floor to make sure she didn’t trip on the thick carpet or any hidden steps.

In the bedroom, he slowed down as he purposefully closed the door, leaning on it for a moment before he turned round and smiled at her. She shivered involuntarily at the light twinkling in his eyes.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” she giggled and he bit his lip as he moved toward her, his eyes taking her in with an almost predatory hunger. His lips pressed softly against hers even as she felt him gathering her up, his hand around the back of her head, the other on the small of her back, sliding up as he pressed her into him.

Sally almost sagged in his arms as the anticipation and tension she had felt since leaving him passed liked waves from her body. She didn’t realise he was moving the both of them backwards until the side of the bed hit her calves and she made a squeaking noise against his mouth as she wobbled. Elvis’ grip of her tightened even as her arms tensed around his athletic frame, trying to keep herself upright.

Elvis pulled back from the waist up, his eyes opening slowly, thick black lashes flickering against his cheeks, as if he didn’t want to quite let go of the kiss. It only made her want to launch herself back at him, but she suspected he knew that.

“Man, I been thinking about this ever since I saw you in that dress,” he murmured, his hand dragging around her waist from her back and his long fingers tickling underneath the short hem.

Sally had already worn all of her good outfits to his shows, so she had borrowed a green mini dress from Laura and had spent most of the evening tugging it down.

“You wear this for me, honey?” His warm breath tickled her neck as he leant in to pepper her jaw and throat with soft butterfly kisses. “You ain’t trying to get me in trouble now, are you.”

At the same time, her thighs tingled with goosebumps at the feel of his callused fingers trailing up to the edge of her underwear beneath her skirt.

Part of her was protesting that this was too fast, that he was too much of everything: too experienced, too rich, too famous, too handsome, too Elvis for her. She was so far out of her depth that drowning was inevitable. The problem was that he made drowning look both exciting and pleasurable.

“I wore it because it matched my new bracelet,” she said, slipping her fingers through the opening of his jacket, warmed by his skin and the feel of the coarse chest hair against her fingertips. She could feel the thudding of his heart reverberating through his rib cage and sternum.

His chin dimpled as he peered down, grabbing her hand and pulling her wrist up for examination. She gazed at his face as he inspected her wrist, his left eyebrow twitching with self-satisfaction. She loved the creases at the corners of his mouth, how they made his full lips look sullen even as she knew he was suppressing a smile. It felt like a secret between them.

“You like it, baby?”

Sally shot him a look of disbelief. “Of course, it’s beautiful, Elvis, so beautiful, but you shouldn’t have. It looks expensive.”

“That don’t matter,” he murmured, frowning. “It looks pretty on your little wrist here.” He dipped forward and pressed his lips to the bony part of her wrist. Sally’s whole arm twitched at the heat and velvety softness of his mouth and her stomach fluttered as his pout continued its path round to her pulse point. His hair brushed against her jaw and throat as he leant over pressing kisses up the delicate skin on the inside of her forearm.

“I -uh..” She dropped down onto the bed, even as she was thinking that she was starting to feel a little lightheaded from holding her breath.

He looked like he was holding back a laugh as he asked, ‘You okay, honey?”

“I meant to do that.” She frowned, daring him to contradict her.

“Uh huh.” He nudged her legs open with his knee so that he could step closer and she could feel her skirt sliding to the top of her thighs as he drew in, his thumbs on her jaw tipping her head back so that he could kiss her as he slowly and gently lowered her back onto the bed, his tongue teasing its way into her mouth.

“Well,” he said, pressing his knee into the mattress right at the apex of her thighs, the pressure of him answering the ache beginning to throb there, “I might not get around to the next show, but-” He lifted a mischievous eyebrow. “It’ll be worth it.”

It took every drop of restraint in Sally’s being not to grind down on his thigh, but her self-discipline was almost immediately undermined by Elvis pressing down on her, and she let out a sigh mixed with a moan, catching a glimpse of his smirk before he kissed her again. Yet again, he was performing exactly the show he knew his audience enjoyed.

Trying to find some sense of balance, she let her hands glide down from his shoulder blades, feeling the mechanics of his lean muscles working beneath his suit jacket, and cupped his perfectly round ass. She felt him pause for a second, before he tried to cover his surprise by moving with even more authority, rolling his hips and driving a moan from her that had her turning her face into his neck and hiding in embarrassment. He didn’t seem to realise this was what she was doing as he shuddered and showered kisses on her throat and shoulder, pulling back her neckline as far as it could go so he could taste her pink, sun-kissed skin.

Sally felt his teeth clamp down lightly on the muscle in her shoulder before he drew back, depriving her of his spicy warmth, so that he could shrug off his suit jacket. As usual, he wasn’t wearing anything underneath and she couldn’t stop herself reaching out to touch his skin, running her fingertips up his sides and making him twitch and hiccup a laugh before he grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head. Her bracelet bit into her skin from the pressure, but she didn’t fight it or protest.

“This okay?” he asked softly, his face looking suddenly very boyish and vulnerable. It was unexpected and helped ease some of her nerves as she gazed up at him and nodded. Her lips were swollen and tingly, seemingly a side effect of being in close proximity to him, and she bit down on her bottom lip, trying to stop herself from panting too needily. He groaned, mumbling about how she was going to be the end of him, and sank back down into kissing and rubbing and pressing against her as she shivered and writhed and pressed right back.

Sally’s skirt was now somewhere around her waist and her restraint was buried somewhere in the sand outside of Las Vegas along with everything else that people from this city found themselves forsaking. She hooked her fingers into the tight waistband of his pants and tugged impatiently even as her tongue was sliding against his.

“Hey, whoa whoa, easy, baby,” he mumbled into her mouth. “We got plenty of time. I got you to myself all night, right?” She nodded dumbly. “That’s right, we made a deal.”

Despite his words, he walked his fingers up her thigh and her breath stuttered in her throat as he slipped his thumb into the warmest, wettest part of her. His eyes crinkled slightly and his mouth fell slightly open as he studied her face, which she was desperately trying not to screw up into unflattering expressions as he circled and dragged the pad of his thumb over her slippery skin, flooding her with sensation, before slowing and ebbing back, letting her breathe and float for moment. He seemed to take her efforts to be quiet and composed as a personal challenge, shifting his hips to get more comfortable and pressing himself against her thigh, before pulling out his thumb from the leg of her underwear and insert his whole hand into the front.

“S’okay,” he whispered, panting softly, as he played her like an instrument with his delicate fingers and she bit down on a whine. She could see where his mascara was beginning to smudge below his eyes as they both lost their cool both figuratively and literally.

Sally felt sweat trickle from her hairline down behind her neck and she shifted slightly. Elvis glanced up from where he was watching the movement of his hand and his heavy-lidded eyes seemed to assess her. In one smooth movement, he rolled onto his back, his hand still working in her underwear, and reached over to grab a pillow from the top of the bed.

The next thing she knew she was being thwacked lightly in the face with it.

“No, wait, that ain’t right,” he remarked dryly, picking it up again and smirking at her disgruntled expression beneath. “Lift your head, honey.” She clasped her hair in one hand and raised her head so that he could tug the pillow into place with his free hand, grunting slightly as he tried to keep himself up at the same time.

As soon as he was satisfied she was comfortable, he leant back over to kiss the air from her, increasing the pressure of his fingers as they began to sink into her while his thumb strummed at the bundle of nerves, making her twitch and writhe.

“Oh God,” Sally breathed, clasping at his neck and the damp tendrils of his hair. She couldn’t decide where to touch him, still not able to believe that she could. Her hands moved from his neck to his shoulders to his back, brushing his narrow waist, kneading his perfect ass and squeezing his thighs.

As the knot tightened in her belly, her muscles tensed and she began to moan freely, losing her inhibitions, she palmed at the firm bulge in his pants. He growled softly, pressing his face to her chest and resting his warm, sweaty cheek against her decolletage, scratching her with his sideburn. It felt like he was everywhere, leaving nowhere for her to retreat and hide, making it impossible to stay calm and demure, giving her no way to hold it together.

His fingers prodded deeper, causing the swell of the waves of pleasure in her gut to break and ripple through her body. She whimpered into his damp hair as stimulation so intense that it was almost painful rolled over her, making her thighs clench and her toes curl. The aftershocks made her twitch and he huffed a laugh into her temple, giving her pussy a scritch like it was actually his pet.

Sally shot him a disapproving look, a little embarrassed at how completely he had taken her apart with just his hand. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged as if he wasn’t responsible for what he did.

While she slowed her breathing and felt the unwelcome return of her inhibitions, Elvis hovered over her, straightening her underwear and diligently pulling down her skirt. He moved up, adjusting her neckline and pulling the shoulder of her dress back into place. Sally hoped they hadn’t stretched it, because she knew Laura would make her pay for another and she suspected it wasn’t from a catalogue like Sally’s own dresses.

“All better,” he pronounced in a soft, babyish voice, looking down at her body. When his eyes returned to her face however, he snorted softly. “Up here’s a different story though, baby, up here you’s a mess!”

“Noooo!” she protested, her hands going up to her hair, feeling the damp frizz and knots as he gave a cartoonish cackle and nodded. She pouted and reached up, vigorously ruffling his hair and pushing it in his face. “There, now we match!”

There was a pause and her stomach dropped as she thought that maybe she had crossed a line, but then he laughed and shook his head, swiping his black hair out of his eyes before he swiftly straddled her and obliterated any hope she had that her hairdo was salvageable. She wrinkled her nose and blew a lock of hair off her face.

“You made me do that!” he informed her. “I didn’t have no choice.” He did one of his patented sullen smirks as he picked up a long lock of her hair and laid it across her forehead like a monobrow. His laughter vibrated through her and his thighs tightly clamped her hips as she batted at her face and knocked her hair away.

“You are a public menace,” she informed him.

“You ain’t the first person to say that,” he nodded. “First person with a bird’s nest on their head to say it though maybe…”

In spite of his playful tone and the calming endorphins flooding her body, she was starting to feel self-conscious and she tried to roll over and escape his grip.

“Okay, let me up.”

“Honey, I’m just teasing. It ain’t that bad.” The expression on his face contradicted his words. She shoved at his thighs, trying to push herself free, and quickly discovered when her hand slid up that she might have been a mess, but she was apparently an exciting mess.

It was another twenty minutes of rolling around on the bed before she made it to the bathroom to examine the damage to her hair. It was as bad as she had feared, and she rooted around in the drawers and cabinets looking for a brush or comb to attempt triage. During her search, she found three pistols, some amber bottles of medication with a range of names printed on them, and a photo of a cute blond-haired baby, before she finally found what she was looking for.

Two hours of curlers and teasing and half a can of hairspray wasted, she vigorously brushed her abused hair into long brown curtains on either side of her face and wet some tissue to wipe away her smudged and smeared eye make-up.

When she emerged from the bathroom, Elvis was laying on the bed and he did a double take as she came out.

“What?” she asked, pausing nervously.

“Nothing… Nothing, honey.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You just look different with your hair all down like that.”

“I didn’t have much choice now, did I?”

“No, I guess not.” He rolled off the bed and somehow made it onto his feet before he hit the floor, striding over to clasp her head in his hands and kiss her almost chastely. “It looked so pretty before though, honey.”

“Thank you?”

He shook his head sharply. “I mean, you’re still pretty. I don’t even know what I’m saying, man. Sorry, baby.” He kissed her again, this time with more force. “Every time I get up on that stage I think I must shake something loose up there, losing my damn mind. You’re pretty, you’re beautiful, honey.”

Before either of them could speak again, there was a gentle tap on the door.

“E, it’s time.” The guy’s voice was no louder than speaking volume and clearly audible through the door. Sally was horrified, thinking about what they might have heard on the other side of that door. Elvis didn’t seem bothered though, just annoyed that their time together had to end, but then he was probably used to all of this.

“I gotta go to work, honey. Sold my soul to Kirk Kevorkian for a hundred thousand a week and I’m starting to think I’m the one that got snowed.” One side of his mouth twitched up into a half smile as he rose, but she didn’t quite understand what his expression was trying to convey. And in in an instant, it was gone.

“You coming to the show?” he asked with a bashful smile.

“If that’s okay with you?”

At this, he cupped her face in his large hands and kissed her, nipping her bottom lip between his teeth before pressing his forehead against hers.

“You ain’t real,” he told her, to her confusion. “There ain’t no way you’re real.”

“Funny,” she replied, “I think the same about you.”

As he walked her to the main door of the suite like they were on a surreal date, he told her not to bother coming down to the stage for a kiss at the midnight show.

“Oh,” she murmured, a little deflated. “I did exceed my allocation after all then?” He gave her an amused little frown.

“The way you talk, honey! Naw, I just got something else in mind. Don’t go messing with my plans, now, okay?” He gave her a peck, motioning to someone behind her. Laura reappeared, straightening her dress slightly and looking sheepish. Sally looked from her to Sonny wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

The midnight show, her fifth now in three days, confirmed that the tummy flip when Elvis appeared on stage was a permanent thing. Meeting him, talking to him, hadn’t lessened her wonder and awe at his talent and energy. If anything, seeing him up close in the flesh and learning more about him only made that huge presence he projected seem that much more impressive.

“Does it bother you?” Laura asked curiously, pouring herself a glass of champagne from the magnum resting in an ice bucket. They hadn’t ordered it, it had just been presented to them with the assurance that there was no charge.

“What?” Sally asked. Laura nodded towards the stage where Elvis was crouched down in front of a couple of women who were giving him a gift. He gave them both deep, effusive kisses, going back for seconds from one of them.

“Why would it bother me?” she laughed. “if he didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have got to kiss him.”

“Exactly,” Laura said cryptically, raising her eyebrows. Sally rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the show.

Elvis didn’t introduce Love Me Tender until later in the set, leaving Sally wondering what he was talking about when he said he had a plan. When he finally started the introduction, she suddenly became vigilant, like she was waiting for an ambush.

At first, nothing seemed much different, Elvis sang a little, kissed a lot and the band persevered, playing verse after verse. Then, after walking to the wings, he just… didn’t stop. She watched his dark head drop down into the crowd and pandemonium broke out. People- women- were charging down from the back of the showroom, the audience were laughing and whooping as girls called Elvis’ name and begged to be able to touch him.

“God, they’re going to eat him alive!” Laura laughed, as they both craned their necks to follow the knot of people moving through the crowd.

Sally watched as people tried to climb over tables just to reach out and touch his arm as he passed by. He was being jostled by the press of his own bodyguards and then the fans begging for kisses. Her eyes widened as she realised the procession and growing mob were heading toward their booth; blue uniformed security guards were already appearing behind her, ready to marshal him through safely.

A beautiful blond managed to step into Elvis’ path as he almost reached the back of their booth. Sally and Laura had turned in their seats and were kneeling up on the red velvet cushions, watching the circus. He clasped the blonde’s face, just as he had done Sally’s only an hour earlier, and kissed her on the lips. Sally wondered if maybe she should be feeling jealous, but the truth was that she really just felt empathy with the woman, understanding how exciting and delicious it was to be kissed by him.

Despite the pressing and the chaos, he managed to pause at their booth, his tanned hand replete in gold rings gripping the white scrollwork to fight the momentum pushing him on. He gave her a lopsided grin as he leant in.

“How’d you like my plan? Seemed a good idea at the time.” He almost stumbled as he was jostled from behind.

“Not bad for a public menace,” she grinned, wrapping her fingers around his sweaty neck and almost sighing against his soft lips. A security guard stepped closer as if she was an overexcited fan that he was going to have to drag away, but she drew away before he could reach out and grab her.

“See ya later!” Elvis called over his shoulder, taken by the current. As he was swept on, she only heard the word ‘deal’ float back through the screams and whooping and laughter.

Turning round and smiling at Laura, Sally licked her lips and savoured the salt there. 

Tag list:

@itsnotthatserious03 @everythingelvispresley @bigromansgirl-blog, @sillybookmarks, @returntopresley

As always, shout out to the Elvis harem: @thatbanditqueen, @be-my-ally, @vintageshanny, @ellie-24, @from-memphis-with-love, @missmaywemeetagain, @peskybedtime

[blackplaaague]

🌡🧪💉Hey, y'all! 🌡🧪💉

☢️ Blackplaaague here! ☢️

🩻 I'm a comic artist, internet cartoonist, and goofy little guy who enjoys voice acting, diy clothing, doll customization, and hyperfixating on weird, niche lore for weird, niche things! 🩻

Art sideblog: https://www.tumblr.com/blackplaaaguesketchbook

Why I alternate text: https://www.tumblr.com/blackplaaague/730625551588540416/how-exactly-does-bolding-your-words-help-you-read?source=share

Boundaries:

🗝 I'm currently writing Victoria Darken, a part-comedy, part-horror, sapphic love story about a feral scientist in a city full of cryptids, set in the 1910s. 🗝

🥼 I have other projects going on behind the scenes, too... let's just say I love cosplay! 🥼

🧪 Feel free to drop by anytime to ask me a question or just to chat. I post a lot more memes than art. Anyone can interact, as long as: 🧪

~You aren't here to spread hate

~You're not Racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/aphobic/etc

~Only interacting with an 18+ blog

~Also, no terfs, please, that kind of mindset kinda messes with my vibes :|

>:)

About me!

🩵🤍🩶 I am a demigender/genderqueer person who uses they/he pronouns, but I'd be fine with being called an it if you're using it in a reclaimed way. 🩵🤍🩶

⚠️ My name is Ellis, but I also go by Corvus and Viktor because those are my personally-selected middle names and they go hard. ⚠️

☣️ I'm a baby punk, new to the subculture, and I'd love tips and band recs! ☣️

💉 I write my own music, and want to get into dollmaking and wig styling. 💉

🥩 My whole aesthetic is a combination of, like... rotting meat, mad-science-looking-radioactive stuff, and classic punk, so my blog is kind of styled like that. 🥩

☢️ I'm a big fan of a lot of things, but I don't like fandom culture just because of a long history of being bullied. ☢️

💚 I alternate my text like this to help my pals with ADHD read through long text faster, it really works! 💚

Tags I use:

Fnoof: this is how I tag FNaF-related posts. I also have "Link" for all of the Zelda franchise and "he head a cup" for Cuphead. I'm very sorry for being cringe about my favorite video games. It will happen again.

Link: We just explained this

He head a cup: we just explained this, too

VD stuff: me rambling about my webcomic

BP rambles: literally anything I said, in the tags or my own post, that I think is funny. There's some gems in there.

VD spoilers: this is, obviously, spoilers for my comic. Spoilers/gore/other stuff like that is always tagged with a simple tw tag.

Mother Corporation: this is my FNaF AU that I had to make because I couldn't bear to let one of the games of all time rot in a muddle of confusing plotlines and pixel-art character models when I could rewrite half the games on a whim. It's actually pretty good, and only about as canon-deviant as the books and stuff, but I'm aware it's cringe of me so you can filter that tag out if you want.

I love you platonically: positivity and mental health reminders

Summoning the mutuals: I'm tagging people in this post and it could be you.

Peace and love on planet punk rock: this has been a psa about what punk is (a subculture about self-expression, uplifting those smaller than you, and overthrowing bigotry) and what it is not (homophobia, racism, transphobia, etc)

Daily reminder to stay alive: all the posts from my "list to stay alive" queue. I could've made a sideblog, but those always take a long time to get going and I get hundreds of reblogs from friends here who needed it. I'm just glad to help people with them.

Ellis' sketchbook/Blackplaaague's sketchbook: art posts also uploaded on my sideblog @blackplaaaguesketchbook

I'll keep adding new tags and updates as I get new interests and such. This blog is as fluid as I am.

Please keep in mind that, even though I do not have a 200-page DNI, hate, bullying, harassment, or prejudice of any kind is not allowed on this blog. In the tags, the comments, the reblogs, nothing. If you send hateful content to my mutuals and my blog, you're getting blocked on sight. This is a safe space.

🖤🩶💚🤍 ...Also I'm aromantic btw 💚🤍🩶🖤

If we're mutuals, I will read all your posts and it will be great.

Nice to meet you! See ya around!

--Blackplaaague/Ellis

(DM me if any of these images are yours and you'd like credit, I can't remember where I got these, regrettably, and I'd like to provide credit so people can see more of the creator's content!)

IMPORTANT INFO REGARDING FANDOM, BOUNDARIES, AND VICTORIA DARKEN

Link to full post (check reblogs):

https://www.tumblr.com/blackplaaague/729620629418131456/this-might-be-a-stupid-question-but

🖤 I'm not Vivziepop. I'm not Lauren Faust. I am a teenager who likes gothic literature and silly cartoons, and I do this all for my own amusement. If I'm not liking the vibe, I'm out. 🖤

💚 From now on, we are setting boundaries: 💚

*Boundaries in linked post*

Thanks for understanding,

☢️ Ellis ☢️

[angelynmoon]

"Come for your potion?" Merlin teased when Gwen entered his work room.

"Don't forget I'm your Queen, Merlin." Gwen reminded him.

"Eh, what are you going to do? Burn me at the stake? I'm fire proof, Dragons don't burn." Merlin shrugged as he chopped some roots for the potion he was working on.

"Are you okay?" Gwen asked, Merlin wasn't usually so sarcastic, not to Gwen at least.

Merlin frowned as he looked into the bubbling potion, "No, not really."

There was a pause.

"Lancelot and I had a fight." Merlin admitted.

"You had a fight?" Gwen repeated, shocked, Merlin and Lancelot never fought.

Merlin nodded, going to sit on one of the cots he kept for patients or the childrens naps.

"What was it about?" Gwen asked as she sat next to him.

"That's just it, I don't know, or well, he was yelling about me hoarding his shirts but I don't think he's really angry about that." Merlin told her.

"Why not?" Gwen asked, usually if a person yelled about something they were angry about that thing, or at least that's how Arthur worked.

"Because Lancelot usually puts his stuff in my nest and when he's down to his last few outfits I take the nest to have the clothes washed and the cycle repeats." Merlin explained, "So, it's not that."

"Oh." Gwen frowned, thinking and then looked up when Theron began to cry.

Merlin sighed and got up to fetch the baby, tucking him close to fed him on his Magic.

Gwen looked at them and thought about how having Morgana had disrupted her and Arthur's schedule, how it had taken Elyan babysitting overnight for them to talk it out and make plans for Elyan to keep an eye on Morgana a few evenings so they could have time together.

"Merlin, how long has it been since you and Lancelot had time alone?" Gwen asked, "Time where you aren't sleeping?" Gwen interrupted when Merlin opened his mouth.

Merlin frowned, "I don't..., I think it must have been before Ellie and Effie. At least for quality together time where we weren't on our way to other tasks."

"Hmm, I thought so. I think Lancelot misses you and he doesn't know how to tell you without upsetting you." Gwen said softly as Merlin came to sit next to her, Theron in his arms.

"Right, that makes sense, but how can I fix it?" Merlin asked, looking at Theron, "Thero needs my Magic."

Gwen hummed, "Can you siffon off enough for a few days? That way Arthur and I could watch him, Morgana would love to practice having a brother, and Gwaine could watch Ellie and Effie, Leon would love having a sleepover with his favorite Dragonlings."

Merlin frowned, "Magic wants to be used, actively or not, if I siffon it off it'll just give itself a job. But perhaps... Cornelius Sigan put his soul in a gemstone, maybe..." Merlin trailed off as he handed Theron to Gwen and went digging through his books.

"Ah, here it is." Merlin cried some hours later.

Gwen looked up from where she'd been playing with Theron, shaking one of his noisy toys for him to grab at.

"What did you find?" Gwen asked as she lifted the boy up to her chest.

"A way for Lancelot and I to have a weekend away." Merlin grinned, "Well, at least if Arthur is willing to let me borrow twelve emeralds from the treasury."

"Twelve?" Gwen asked.

"Oh, it's just in case, Theron feeds twice a day and once at night, but sometims Ellie and Effie benefit from feeding on my Magic too." Merlin explained.

"Right, twelve, does size matter?" Gwen asked.

"Only with Sapphires but Emeralds are better for storeing Magic, Diamonds are the best conductors and Sapphires are best used for spell or curse work." Merlin said absently as he began preparing a space for placing his Magic in the stones.

"Alright, I'll get you the gems by tonight and make arrangements so you and Lancelot can be gone for the weekend." Gwen told him as she placed a now sleeping Theron in his basket.

Merlin looked up, "Thank you, Gwen, for helping me with this."

Gwen hugged Merlin, "You're my best friend, of course I want to help you. Besides it'll be good practice for when I finally do take that potion to have a baby of my own."

Merlin laughed, "You'll do fine, but Arthur could use the practice, I'm sure, if only so he realizes he'll do just fine."

Gwen smiled and kissed Merlin's cheek before leaving him to make the arrangements.

It would be good for Merlin and Lancelot to have time to themselves, and hopefully at a future date they'd return the favor.

--

A/n: so, Merlin and Lancelot need a vacation without the kids, any thoughts on what happens, be aware I don't do sex scenes.

[fairestwriting]

title: a treasure hunt of sorts

word count: 2696

summary: Malleus had been gifting Ellis gems, recently, so many that they were piling up and he wouldn't know what to do with them even if he actually understood the meaning behind the gift. After some "careful consideration", he decides to give something back.

commissioned by @nymphgrotto​ , also available on ao3 here ! tysm for the commission, i hope you enjoy it!

my guidelines for commissions are here, in case anyone else is interested

Everything in the Ramshackle dorm building creaks, floorboards and doors and ceiling threatening to collapse in a way that Ellis somehow had just grown used to. Door shut behind him, he walks noisy steps towards the lounge, leaving the beautiful night outside, and placing a red gem the size of his palm on the coffee table.

Another one. The fifth one he’d gotten this week, and they were only halfway through it.

The gems gather on top of the surface like freshly picked fruits, full of color and life and almost glaring at him in their little shiny pile. He slides the blazer off, tossing it somewhere — Grim was asleep at this point, it’s fine if he wasn’t being the best influence — and lets himself collapse on the plush stuffing of the couch.

The gems were a gift from Malleus Draconia — A name that strikes fear into many students’ hearts, for reasons Ellis just couldn’t see. They had met by chance outside Ramshackle, Malleus was taking a nightly stroll and they just ended up chatting for a reason or another. He found out bits and pieces of information every time they saw each other. That he liked abandoned buildings and the night sky, that he was very knowledgeable about gargoyles and owned a tamagotchi, then his name that he had been refusing to actually tell. They hit it off and became friends. Malleus was a person Ellis liked to be around.

And a person he had an exponentially growing crush on, he admits, but just to himself for now. He sighs again, head in his hands. His crush, putting a different precious gem in his hand every night. It should have been a dream scenario, but he just doesn’t get it. The way Malleus does it is so unaffected, they couldn’t be heartfelt gifts at all. It looked like he was lending him money.

Maybe that’s what’s happening, he thinks tiredly, looking around the inside of the building. He had been cleaning up for most of the semester, it managed to look decent now, if only a little like somewhere a grandmother would live, but that was cozy in its own way. The outside was still screwed up, though, so maybe Malleus trying to help him with repairs? Ellis stares at the pile of gems, they stare back. With the amount all of them were worth, they were probably enough to cover all the costs needed to polish Ramshackle’s outside, so maybe…

...he really didn’t want his crush, a guy so lofty and admirable, to think he just couldn’t do something like that by himself, though. The very thought of it makes him uneasy.

He sighs. Maybe he should talk it out with someone, he was burning up his brain cells just thinking by himself like this. He scrolls through names in his contact list before stopping on Cater’s. Cater had mentioned talking to Malleus before, right? And he didn’t seem scared. Plus he may have been aware of Ellis’ crush, even half so — Though that’s sort of embarrassing, it’s not like he’d been trying to hide.

But it’s okay, the phone makes its dialing noise. “Hey, Cater?”

“Ellis! Hi hi.” Cater chimes from the other side of the line. Ellis could hear ruffling even through the phone, maybe he just moved around on his bed. “What’s up!”

“Malleus.” Ellis starts, leaning back against the couch. Thank god it was so comfy, right. “Has he ever brought you, um… gems and stuff? Like really expensive looking things?”

There’s silence.

“Uh, no?” Cater responds mid a confused laugh. “...why are you asking that? We don’t really talk.”

“I don’t know.” Ellis admits, shaking his head in defeat. “He’s been giving me gems all week and I don’t get it. I thought maybe you knew something since you’ve talked to him...once? That’s more than most people here, anyways.”

Cater hums, a short pause. “Well, I really can’t tell what that means.”

Another sigh, another feeling of defeat. Ellis sinks on the couch.

“Ugh. Do you think he feels bad about the state of the dorm or something? I like gifts as much as everyone else, but…” He sighs. “I just wanna know what’s going on in his head.”

“Y’know, they’re still gems, I don’t get why you’re complaining. And you’re so curious about him too.”

“I just wanna know.” He huffs, face feeling hot. “I feel bad I’m not giving him anything back, is all. Gifts are nice but this is too much.”

“Ehh, you wanna one up Malleus?” He asks, voice incredulous. Do I wanna do that? Ellis finds himself wondering. Is that what this is about?

“I mean, I might as well try, right.” He says. He thinks of it as a joke, but it might not really be one. Looking up to Malleus all the time felt… kind of lame, sometimes, Ellis wanted him to look up to him too. His heart feels heavy thinking about it — But he does.

“Okay, that’s just crazy.” Cater laughs from the other side of the line, mixing with the ruffling sound again.

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe.” He laughs back, but, again, he’s actually thinking about it. He can’t help but think about it. What if he actually impressed Malleus this time? He wonders how he’d look.

They say their goodbyes after more idle chatter and Ellis has his flushed cheeks on his hands, pulling his knees closer to his body. He’s tried doing something impressive before, though it usually just ends up going humorously wrong… but, but, maybe this time it’d work. He stares at the gems on the coffee table. These could be the clue he needed.

A wide-eyed Malleus comes to mind. If things went like that, maybe the messages he’d been wanting to send with all the casual affection would get through. Even if Malleus didn’t like him back — That was a scary thought, but he knew it wouldn’t ruin their friendship, Malleus wasn’t like anyone else — he’d been wanting to tell him in a way where he could actually understand, visualize how deep his feelings had been running. This seemed like the perfect chance.

He dreams of emeralds in a treasure room that night.

. . .

He knew that this, at least, was something Malleus would like — Ellis can’t help but giggle in excitement while he drags him around the woods, clutching at his hand, hearing the crunching of leaves under their shoes and the subtle howling of the wind.

“So, tonight,” He introduces, voice chimy and full of energy. Malleus is standing right behind him in his towering glory. His stare is mostly blank, but Ellis somewhat knows how to decode it, and he can see a glint of curiosity there. They stop in front of an assortment of rocks that made up something looking like a gate. “I was thinking we could go looking for gems in this little cave? I heard from some guys that it has a lot of interesting stuff inside!”

Some guys was a chain of information that started with Rook, who had been doing god knows what in the cave, but what mattered now is that Ellis would go there, and he would find something that would blow Malleus away.

“A cave,” Malleus repeats, blinking. His long hair sways with the wind, lime green glow emitted from his eyes — He did things to his heart, honestly, even just being there — as he looks at Ellis with amusement. “Is that… a common outing for your culture, Child of Man?”

“I mean, not really? But I like collecting things.” He says, a bit sheepish as they begin to walk inside. It’s dark, but that’s an issue easily solved by flicking his flashlight on. “And I thought you might like this.”

Malleus chuckles, and that does more to his heart than him just standing here. “I see,” He says, the amusement visible. Ellis can’t help the excited smile beginning to show up on his face. This was it. “I do think it could be interesting.”

“Yeah!” He chimes. Shining the light forwards, he inspects the path in front of them as they walk further away from the entrance — It was safe, right? A lot of people seemed to have been there, plus it wasn’t exactly hard to move inside, the ground wasn’t as rocky as the walls “I heard they have gems deeper inside? Uh, it might be a little creepy for a bit, though.”

Malleus hums. The glow of his eyes shows up more at every step they take towards the inner parts of the cave, shrouded in darkness. Looks magical, Ellis’ brain unhelpfully reminds him, majestic, beautiful.

(He needed to get that confession out already, and yet…)

“I’m not displeased with this place, though.” Malleus’ voice makes a light echo. “It reminds me of home in a way.”

“Home? Like in the Valley of Thorns?” He asks, wincing when he steps against what seemed to be a tree branch, cracking it into two. How do things like that end up here, anyway?

“It’s a very rocky scenery. Tall mountains and thorn bushes, dark almost all year long.” Malleus explains. “I remember seeing it through my room’s window.”

“You know, that’s kind of cool in a way, I’ve never been somewhere like that.” He comments, thumb resting over the flashlight’s switch. He feels fidgety trying to visualize the Valley of Thorns in his mind, then briefly entertaining the thought of actually being there, with him too… “Is the palace all dark too?”

“Darkness is associated with royalty, so naturally it is.” He speaks. There’s a hint of nostalgia in his voice, almost. It’s strangely warm thinking of a smaller Malleus walking around a big, imposing dark castle, and still making all those sweet childhood memories there. It’s a testament to Malleus himself, maybe. The contrast between the imposing exterior and the softer interior. “It's tall, built in black bricks a long time ago, surrounded by thorn bushes…”

“You should bring me there one day.” Ellis suggests. His voice comes out sweet, it always does — And he hopes Malleus can notice why, he wants him to. But he doesn’t expect it at this point.

(Because if there’s one thing about Malleus’ he’s learned, it’s that genius or not, everything just flew right over his head, and flirting with him was a battle you lost before you even started fighting.)

“Perhaps that wouldn’t be a bad idea at all.” Malleus says mid a chuckle, and his heart flutters. Oh to have a tour around Malleus’ hometown. Maybe there wasn’t much more to see at the place than thorn bushes, but Ellis thought about it insistently anyways. The things that made it unique, and the things about it that Malleus carried over. It’s insistent curiosity and his equally insistent crushing.

He glances forward as he smiles, recalling what he’d been told about the cave. They should be getting to the part with the cool rocks (Cater’s words, not his, maybe not even Cater’s either, since he got that from Ace who got it from someone else… you know how it is) now, Ellis is excited. He’s read up a little bit on gems before doing this. Surely Malleus would be caught off guard by that too, if he was interested in them, then they could choose one to bring home, and it’d be like jewelry shopping, kind of, maybe…

But jewelry stores don’t have swarms of bats in it, and caves do — And in they come, screechy noises and motion blur, and Ellis wasn’t thinking about the presence of bats at all, so he completely flips out, jumping in shock with a yelp and dropping the flashlight.

Dropping himself, actually, tripping on a damned rock and almost falling on top of Malleus as he hears the crack of his light falling, rolling somewhere he couldn’t see.

“Careful, Child of Man—”

Ellis blinks, looking around to try and find that light, but it’s nowhere to be seen — Not that he could see anything, the place was shrouded in darkness now — and his breath quickens with panic, damn it this wasn’t what…

“The flashlight?” Ellis asks, voice frantic. “Damn it, I can’t see it, I…”

Malleus’ eyes are still glowing green.

“I’m guessing you can’t see in the dark?”

“No?” He sputters. What, now he could see in the dark too? Malleus’ abilities are usually interesting to hear about, but now… “Ugh, the flashlight…”

“It’s not anywhere near us.” He informs unhelpfully. “Fallen from a drop. Perhaps I should guide us back.”

He sighs, heavy and tired. Great, there went his plans, everything down the drain again. Usually he could just laugh something like this off, but…

Maybe he had higher hopes for tonight.

“Yeah, I guess.” Ellis mumbles. “Sorry, in the end we couldn’t really do anything cool.”

“We still have time for a stroll near the woods, don’t we?” He can’t see Malleus’ face, exactly, just the outline of his eyes dotting the black dye, but with the way they move he guesses he may have tilted his head. “And I’ve actually enjoyed visiting this cave, short as our outing was.”

“...yeah, b-but I wanted to impress you.” His face feels hot, mostly with shame, the stutter comes with the blurting out of the words. He hates being upset like this, and yet— “You’re always the one doing cool things, disappearing in thin air and leaving fireflies behind, bringing me all that stuff… I wanted to do it too, I guess, especially with you bringing me all those gems for reasons I still don’t know why. I wanted you to… l-like me more, I guess, because I really like you.”

Too many words. He feels his core burn, but they’d been spinning around in his mind for so long now, at some point it was meant to come out. At least, even if Malleus hated that, he wouldn’t…

“Child of Man,” He speaks, voice clear and blank after a pause. There it comes, Ellis thinks dejectedly, though he doesn’t know exactly what bad thing he’s expecting. “Ellis.”

But that’s his name. His agape mouth closes. Was it that bad? One might worry his heartbeat would start echoing into the empty cave.

“...I believe there may have been a misunderstanding here.”

He shakes his head, heart twisting. “N-No, it’s okay, I get that you don’t…”

“Are you not aware of dragon courting traditions?”

Ellis feels his heart both drop the ground and soar at the same time.

“...the gifting of gems. I’d been trying to tell you about… how I feel, I suppose, for a while.” He says, and his voice sounds different. Quieter. Guilty? Ellis can’t put his finger on what it is exactly, but he wonders if Malleus is blushing.

And the image of it in his mind makes him want to look away, even as he can’t.

“There’s been a misunderstanding after all.” Malleus sighs. Yeah, his voice is different. Airy, light, something to it that has Ellis’ face burning. “If you’ve been thinking you could make me like you any more than I already do.”

It feels like an impossible dream to have something like this happen, in this damn cave of all places too, but the smile makes its way into his lips and doesn’t leave, lopsided or not. The laughter starts bubbling up. And on his first snicker, he has Malleus’ confusion too.

“Are you laughing at my confession?” He asks when the snickers turn into a full on laugh, one that has him wiping tears off his eyes with his sleeves.

“G-God, no way, I’m just laughing ‘cause we’re both so stupid…” Ellis shakes his head. Who would have known, huh. “C’mon, let’s get out of here. Then we can go for that walk you wanted. I think it’d be nice.”

“As you wish, then.” He replies, and Ellis feels his hand on his, warmth spreading across him. It’s really a dream— “Would that mean we are… dating, now?”

Oh to see the great Malleus asking him all these dorky questions. “Maybe. Let’s get out of here first.”

The light from the entrance shines back onto them soon.

[henrystickminbrainrot]

Hi yes I was really in the mood for writing, so...

As always, this AU belongs to @rhmg-au . They’re amazing, please follow them, reblog their art, give them fanart, support them in any way possible, etc.

This is a sequel to the previous fic, this time focusing on the Toppat Clan. 👀

TW: killing, killing mentions, guns

——————————————————————

Ellie was biting her nails.

She knew it was a bad habit, but even so, she couldn’t stop. She always did it when she was nervous.

And saying she was nervous was an understatement.

Henry had been captured by the Government, of all people. Reginald said they had some history, but Ellie didn’t know much about that.

All Ellie knew was that leadership was entrusted to her.

Look, she already knew being leader was tough just by watching Henry.

But it was even more tough than she imagined.

Plus, it wasn’t like she was in the best mental state. But her’s was better than Reginald’s, anyway.

To be honest, though, anyone’s mental state can be better than Reginald’s.

Ellie took a sharp breath as she collapsed on her desk and buried her head in her hands. She just rested there for several minutes, trying and failing to not think about Henry.

She couldn’t help it. She owed his life to her.

That was a debt she could never repay.

Was he safe? Was he warm? Was he happy? Was he lonely? Was he well fed? Was he hurt?Was he even alive?! Those questions constantly followed Ellie, swarming around her like a nest of angry hornets.

Ellie had never been one to show emotions. But with loosing her best friend and all the stress of being appointed the temporary leader, she felt like crying more than once.

But she kept it together. If she was stable, the clan was stable. And she knew that’s what Henry would’ve wanted.

Speaking of Henry...

Ellie looked over the notes from her last meeting. It was unbelievable that some Toppats didn’t want to save Henry. So what if it was a trap? Henry is the clans real leader. He got captured helping the clan, and now the clan was going to save him.

That was the plan Ellie was proposing, anyway.

Reginald was fully on board, though she suspected that was just so he could look for RHM. But having him agree with Ellie, despite any alterior motives, was good enough for most of the clan. Now they had to prepare for the Government raid.

Ellie heard a knock at her door, and she jumped. She smoothed her fiery red hair as she walked over to and opened the door.

“Reginald?” she sighed. His face was anxious and excited at the same time. Normally, seeing him would be a surprising sight, but the two had been leaning on each other a lot after Henry was captured.

“Is this a bad time?” he asked. Ellie shrugged.

“Nah. I was just taking a break after that exhausting meeting, anyway.” Ellie said, taking a step back from her door so Reginald could walk in. They sat down on the two beanbags Henry had bought for her. Seeing anything reminded her of Henry. That was a real bittersweet feeling.

“So the Government raid was finally agreed to today,” Reginald began, twiddling his mustache. It wasn’t malicious or anything, it was just a bad habit. Just like Ellie biting her fingernails.

Ellie nodded. “I’m anxious, but the thought of seeing Henry again makes it more than worth it.” Reginald nodded fervently, knocking his top hat off his head. He put it back on before continuing.

“After the meeting ended though, I started thinking. I feel like... we’re endangering the clan, just to go on this rescue mission.” Reginald continued, his voice guilty. Ellie resisted the urge to scoff.

“Henry endangered the clan by going to Earth to rescue the Toppats there, and you didn’t feel bad about that,” she reminded. Reginald hesitated.

“That was... different. Those clan members were in mortal peril. Henry and Right are more... valuable hostages. They wouldn’t kill or hurt them... right?” Reginald asked quietly, his hand curling up into a fist.

“No, of course not!” Ellie quickly said reassuringly. Reginald gave a forced smile, but it was better than nothing.

“I’m just worried about the clan. The Government is so strong... I don’t want anyone to die.”

Ellie took a couple breaths. “Casualties are inevitable in situations like this.” she began. “But if we prepare enough, we can minimize them.” She shrugged. “Just my two cents, though.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Reginald replied unhappily. “But if we can do this the peaceful way, than we don’t have to worry about casualties, right?” he asked hopefully.

Right. The peaceful way. Ellie was going to turn over the Norwegian Emerald and the Romanian Ruby in exchange for Henry and Right. ‘Course, if they didn’t accept the trade, they’d be forced to get violent. Ellie already sent the trade offer to the general, warning him that if they declined, blood would be spilled, and it would be spilled on his conscience.

Ellie personally didn’t think the general had much of a conscience, but the trade was worth a try.

“Don’t worry, Galeforce is smart, or so I’ve been told,” she assured. “He doesn’t want any blood to spill, just like us.” Reginald nodded sagely, a bit of his confidence restored.

“I... thanks, Ellie. I really hope this raid is peaceful.” Reginald said, getting up. Ellie gave a little salute as he left. She leaned back in the beanbag, getting comfier. It felt good to have someone to talk to. Henry was... a man of few words.

After five minutes, Ellie forced herself to get off of the beanbag. She took in a sharp breath as she thrust herself back into her paperwork.

———————————————————————

The Day of the Raid

Well, today was the day.

Where Ellie and Reginald would get their best friends back, whether through trade or force.

Ellie straightened her top hat, wanting to look her very best. Pure adrenaline was the only thing keeping her going right now.

“I’m coming Henry,” she whispered fiercely, lightly slapping her cheeks to phyche herself up.

Despite how excited she was to see her best friend again, despite what she told Reginald, she couldn’t escape the fact that some of the people fighting alongside her wouldn’t be coming back.

It was a gruesome thought. A terrifying thought.

But Henry was more than worth it.

Ellie put on her top hat and grabbed the stop sign leaning on the wall. She chuckled slightly.

“My favorite weapon,” she murmured as she opened the door to her bedroom, taking in many breaths. The walls were filling with clan members getting ready to fight. Ellie easily found Reginald in the crowd. That was a talent of hers. Reginald walked over to her.

“This place is packed. I didn’t realize how many people were willing to go on this mission.” Reginald commented. He had a lot more confidence today, or so it seemed. Both he and Ellie were faking it. Both he and Ellie were terrified. She didn’t know about him, but Ellie was lying to herself just enough that she was able to forget about her fear, just for a moment.

“Henry and Right were both...” Ellie struggled for words. “Important to the clan. On a personal level, I mean.”

“All our members are,” he murmured, his face sad as he was reminded of the ones they’d lost to the mysterious Toppat Killer.

Ellie wanted to find that killer, beat them until there was nothing else to beat, and get revenge for their fallen friends.

“Thinking about them isn’t what you need right now,” she reminded him, her tone fierce, but considerate at the same time. Not sure how well she was pulling THAT off. Reginald cleared his throat significantly.

“Yes, I’m aware,” he sighed. “We should probably head down to Earth, don’t you think?” Reginald prompted. Ellie nodded, a fire in her eyes that couldn’t ever be extinguished.

———————————————————————

Reginald was terrified.

Of COURSE he was terrified. Who WOULDN’T be terrified?

He wished he wasn’t, though.

He was just so worried about Right...

But that wasn’t worth thinking about.

Or maybe it was.

As he and Ellie dragged the two gems behind them, Reginald wasn’t sure WHAT to think.

Other than how much he missed Right.

If the Government did anything to him, he’d crush the whole lot of them.

Or that’s what Reginald kept telling himself.

There was no way to know what had happened to Right until the clan made it to the Government base, gems in tow.

General Galeforce and a blond woman walked out the front door, an odd glint in their eyes.

It occurred to Reginald that woman was Dr. V.

He got a sinking feeling in his chest, but he couldn’t quite say why.

Ellie nodded at the troops as a way of telling them to halt, and she walked over to Galeforce, weaponless.

It was a way of showing peace, she said. It was foolish, in Reginald’s opinion. But if it helped get Right back, he wasn’t complaining.

“General Galeforce,” she said curtly, doing a small bow. Galeforce was silent as his icy eyes surveyed the troops, than the gems.

“You didn’t tell me you were bringing so much troops,” he commented coldly.

“You’ve taken our leader and a very close friend. Bringing this much soldiers is just common sense,” she replied calmly.

Ellie always had the right thing to say. That was something Reginald envied. If they never got Henry back, she’d make a fine leader.

“Have you come to a conclusion on our offer?” Ellie prompted.

“After much careful consideration, we’ve declined it.” Galeforce replied, chuckling at the stunned look on Ellie’s face.

“Any death of our or your troops will be on your hands. Remember that.” Ellie warned, raising her hand to signal the troop to start fire. As she did, however, a lightning fast bullet shot from the roof of the building into Ellie’s side. A sharp screaming broke out as gunshots were fired everywhere.

Reginald knew that bullet wasn’t from a gun. It was from a cyborg. Only question is, was it Right? He didn’t have much time to ponder this, though, as he rushed to Ellie’s side.

“I’m fine,” she said through clenched teeth. “Find Right, but find Henry for me, ‘kay?” Sven rushed in and grabbed Ellie as she started to black out. Reginald gave him a quick thumbs up as he took off running, ducking and weaving between the crowd. He was lucky to have missed the especially close bullets. He ran into the Government building. Finding Henry was the most important thing for the clan, but finding Right was the most important thing for HIM. After all Reginald had done for the clan, he figured that he could be a little selfish.

His first thought was the jail cells. That would be too easy, but he had to try. He ran drivenly through the building, hoping the clan was okay with every breath.

He went down a passage he assumed was the cells, and sure enough, he was right. There was only one person in the cells.

“Reginald?!” Henry cried, surprised. “Are you okay? Why are you here?” He connected the dots pretty quickly. “For Right. Of course. But- wait-“ Reginald kicked down the jail cell door.

“No time,” he grunted. “Where’s Right? Where are they keeping him?” Henry took in several sharp breaths.

“That’s what I was trying to say. The thing is-“ A bullet narrowly missed Henry. Reginald snorted and grabbed his pistol, shooting and killing the guard.

“Where is he?” Reginald demanded.

“Dr V!” Henry cried. “She joined the Government and... reprogrammed Right.” His gaze went dark. “Among other things.” Reginald was stunned.

Reprogrammed?

The Government had a brainwashed cyborg working for them?

That couldn’t be good.

“Those BASTARDS!” Reginald yelled. “Right is still a HUMAN! That’s- torture! I’ll kill them all!” Henry looked uncomfortable.

“Look, Reg-“ Reginald shoved Henry aside, tossing him a revolver.

“We’re going to rescue Right, kill Galeforce, and get the clan out of here,” he snarled. Henry shrugged.

“Can’t say that’s not a good plan.” he replied, walking beside Reginald.

“Do you know where he could be?” Reginald asked. Anger was really the only way he could handle his emotions. Reginald had never gone through something like this before. Above all, he hoped Right wasn’t too far gone. Henry shook his head, looking at the ground.

“No, sorry. From what I gathered, he was kinda all over the place.” Reginald let out an annoyed huff.

“Then we’ll tear this place apart looking for him.” he said grimly. As he and Henry walked through the Government base hall, Henry stiffened.

“I hear something... metal walking.” he whispered, sticking a hand in front of Reginald to stop him from going any further. Now that Reginald had stopped, he heard it too. Right! Although it probably wouldn’t be the reunion he wanted it to be.

“What should we do?” he whispered back.

“Walk toward the noise. Quietly.” Henry warned, starting to creep toward the sound of metal walking. Reginald kept pace with him, his heart beating faster and faster. He and Henry stopped at a corner, and Reginald snuck a quick look over the corner. That was Right, alright. Reginald looked over at Henry and nodded. Henry grasped his gun, but Reginald fiercely shook his head no. Henry WASN’T shooting his Right Hand Man. No way. Henry looked at Reginald curiously.

“I’m going to talk to him,” Reginald breathed, his words so quiet they faded into air. Henry looked panicked. Reginald fiercely shook his head. “No, you can’t come with!”

“Who’s there?” asked a familiar voice. Henry gave Reginald a quick salute as he walked calmly toward Right.

Pretty quickly, a gun was aimed at him.

Reginald could tell that Right would’ve shot by now if he were any other Toppat. But the mere sight of him caused Right’s now green eyes to glitch red.

“Right, it’s just me.” he said calmly, though on the inside he was anything but. “Reginald Copperbottom. Don’t shoot.” Right was holding his head as Reginald slowly reached out toward him, but Right shoved him away.

Well, it couldn’t be that easy.

Suddenly, a bullet was shot. Not from him, Henry, or Right. A third party. Another cyborg was rushing down the hallway. This one was wearing red headphones. Henry gasped sharply.

“No no no no,” he whispered, tearing up.

“Henry, go take care of that other cuborg while I try to snap Right out of it.” Reginald commanded. Henry flinched as he made eye contact with the other Android, but Reginald wasn’t focusing on them. He reached out toward Rights hand. Right shoved him away, aiming a gun at him.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Right yelled, his eye glitching green to red and back again. Reginald held his hand in front of his face.

The one with the ring.

Right immediately tensed up as he saw the ring. Reginald gritted his teeth and got up.

“Right, we both don’t want to hurt each other,” he said calmly as Right fired a series of wildly inaccurate bullets. Right sank to the floor, his whole body shaking and pulsing with electricity. Reginald took a sharp breath and ran toward Right, hugging him tightly. He heard him gasp and struggle slightly, but Reginald would never let go, not even when Hell freezes over.

“R-Reg...i-i... n-nald?”

[thejonzone]

Riverdale is the Best Show You’ve Written Off

About once a month, a tweet will go around, reading something like “I can’t believe Netflix cancelled [SHOW X], but Riverdale is still on?!? *eye roll emoji, angry cussing emoji*.” It can be difficult to read tweets like these, because I like Riverdale. But I understand why it has struggled to keep an audience-- there is a perception that the show has gone completely off the rails, a chaos of hot actors in their mid-20s playing glamorous high school sociopaths, with the show choosing excess over narrative cohesion. That perception is pretty accurate. It’s an easy show to write off and easy to make fun of, especially because, as a CW show, it’s ostensibly geared to teens. So it brings me no pleasure to say that Riverdale, currently in its 5th season, has reached a renaissance, and its episodes so far this season represent its high-water mark. 

To appreciate how stunning and exciting Riverdale’s new direction is, it’s important to understand how we got here.

In the first season, a murder in the titular town revealed an underbelly of thugs, power brokers, and shady backroom rulers, all vying for control with gothic morbidity. What followed after that season though, was something else entirely. 

Riverdale, ramping up during Seasons 2 through 4, became a beautiful mess. I think it’s important to state that no other show on television is even attempting to do what Riverdale did/is doing. The show is, at any one point, 5-7 wholly different shows. There is a season’s worth of plot per episode. It’s storytelling mania and in-real-time dementia. I don’t remember what happened at the end of last episode because SO much happened. And besides, coherence is overrated! Give me hot actors, give me drug-addicted mobsters, give me creepy principals! On Riverdale, the parents are both former teen heartthrobs and serial killers, children operate underground speakeasies, and for some reason not one therapist has realized they could make a fortune helping our cast work through the intense psychological terror and emotional abuse they receive every episode.

This show is beyond pastiche, hyper-loaded with reference. My roommate and I had a joke that the show’s third season could be mapped to a quadrant of influences: Twin Peaks, True Detective, The Sopranos, and Gossip Girl. At any point Riverdale was acknowledging and playing into the influence of one of these shows. Season Four doubled down on the show’s horror anthology tendency. No one wants you to miss the references being made. You know that menacing boarding school Jughead attends in Season Four? You’d be right If it reminded you of Donna Tartt’s A Secret History. After all, consider Jughead’s classmate, whose name is Donna Sweet. Maybe you picked up on the violence simmering underneath the surface of Jughead’s other classmate, Bret Easton-Elli--  I mean, Bret Weston-Wallis.

Every week, the show seems primed for failure, attempting to juggle more storylines than possible or even necessary. The show is like a house of cards that has already fallen, and yet the writers are somehow still haphazardly adding more cards to the top. “Be reasonable!” I would plead. To no avail. And that’s the thrill of it. The plotlines are secondary to the spectacle. The show is a celebration and parody of violent legacy dramas, camp, teen horror, canonical literature, and anything else it can stuff under the hood, as much an ode to other pieces of media as it is an original work itself. 

But now, something completely different is happening. The beginning of Season Five brought an end to the seasons-long saga the show felt trapped in. Archie, Veronica, Betty, and Jughead graduated high school, and the show flashed forward seven years. What might be considered a hokey technique was one of the best decisions the writers ever did. Because now we have a blank slate for our main cast. The writers effectively cut the fat from three seasons of violent, ridiculous maximalism. And it’s psychically refreshing.

At the heart of any good sitcom, we just want to see our main characters hanging out together. Change is part of life, but it shouldn’t be in television. Which is why this new season is so exciting-- Riverdale is now in the process of bringing its four main characters back from their adult lives and re-engaging them in the deadly politics of their hometown. Pop Tate, the owner-manager of Pop’s, Riverdale’s diner, is retiring, and Archie gets the gang back in town to celebrate the man who helped make the diner such a great hang-out spot. In the words of Jughead, “You gave us a home, Pop.” Like so mant other sitcoms before it, Riverdale used Pop’s to establish its characters and their relationships to each other.

I grew up on Seinfeld so I’ve always been attracted to the idea of the diner. The pandemic has made me yearn even harder for the sitcom diner, that idealistic place where all my friends are, where people enter with problems to be solved, drama to be explained, good news to be celebrated. Riverdale’s acknowledgment of Pop and his diner as the show’s connective tissue is a grounding and human choice. It works fantastically to set up this upcoming season, where our gang must confront the newest nefarious plot for control over the soul of Riverdale.

No doubt the show will continue its pattern of naming and spoofing genre. Veronica, in her adult life, had an Uncut Gems-style few scenes where she works as a charismatic (of course) diamond merchant. She married a possessive, boring guy who’s only characteristic seems to be that his voice is *exactly* like Veronica’s megalomaniac dad, Hiram. Something something Freud, something something daddy sexy. And credit where credit is due, Mark Consuelos is really hot.

Jughead is a writer now, in the most white guy college freshman fantasy of being a writer possible. He attended the Iowa Writers Workshop as an undergrad, something that is definitely not possible. He’s written a hit book but now suffers from *gasp* writer’s block?? He’s a cool guy writer who, in his opening montage, gets recognized by, hit on, and then has sex with a college-aged fan. Back in Riverdale, Jug writes a speech for Pop’s retirement and sends it to his agent. His agent is smitten with the work, calling it “tragic americana” and proclaiming that Jughead’s next book will be titled “Elegy for a Small Town”. This is almost certainly a reference to J.D. Vance’s bad book, and I’m sure the show will be bringing in more elements of “tragic” “americana” as the season unfolds. 

Betty is FBI in training, because as the show has loved to tell us, Betty has “the serial killer gene”, but is using it for good. For the record, her dad was a serial killer, and her brother was a serial killer. And it’s not like her mom or sister can cast the first stone. Betty’s endured enough trauma to fill 100 lives with unending pain and I’m sure the show will have no trouble heaping more on top. Already in the new season we’ve seen flashbacks to some point during the time jump when Betty was taken hostage, in what’s clearly a homage to The Silence of the Lambs. 

And then there’s Archie. I don’t know if anyone knows what to do with the guy. Played by K.J. Apa, who is both really good-looking with his shirt off and a god-awful actor, Archie has been in the army. The show is using him to shill for the military-industrial complex. 

I’ve long joked that the Riverdale writers have no idea what they’re doing. But through a global pandemic affecting TV production and *the* major narrative complication in any high school-set show (graduation), the Riverdale writers have seamlessly transitioned the show to a new stasis. Past seasons are informing this one, but we aren’t bogged down by the details in this new season. The bigger joke, of course, is that the writers have known exactly what they’ve been doing this whole time, and I’m just an idiot. Well I mean, of course I’m an idiot. I use television to regulate my emotions and simulate a static friend group that doesn’t leave or change. And Riverdale is perfect for that. If a renaissance is a rebirth, well then my friends, cut the umbilical cord and save the placenta to put in pills, because Riverdale is cranking out episodes that are better than ever.

[ibelieveinharrystyles]

Chapter Eleven: The Encore

Forever? Masterlist

30th October 2017

Since the confrontation on Daisy’s birthday Harry had gradually become more distant, of course there was the inevitable truth that he was on tour, meaning he was busier, but that hadn’t been a problem when he toured with One Direction, he always seemed to maintain contact. Normally when Harry was away for periods of time, he would make the effort to facetime or call Ashley, even if it was for five minutes, just to make sure she was alright, but in the last couple of months their calls had depleted in number. First came the excuses, that he was jet lagged or had soundcheck, but then as the calls stopped, so did the excuses, Ashley didn’t really think anything of it, she knew Harry was busy and he wanted the tour to go well, you only get to make a first impression once, as her mum had always reminded her. Matt had gone off the radar since Harry told him to stay away, for some time Ashley was worried Matt would go to the press, but clearly he had worked out that Harry’s lawyers were not the sort of people you messed with. 

“I see Mr Styles is back in town for his tour tonight, you going?” Roman asked Ashley as they made their way out of the studio and towards the kitchen after another morning of the breakfast show.

“Yep, Hammersmith Apollo, when the boys did their last tour together I went to about a third of the shows, but that was way back when I was on a gap year, but now I’m a working mum, so it's just night two in London for me.” Ashlley explained.

“Is Daisy going?” Roman asked.

“No, she’s too little, I think it would overwhelm her a bit, one of my mum’s friends is at university in London, so she said she would babysit.”

“That’s good, you’ll be able to let your hair down that way.” Roman replied, “Anyway I’ll leave you to it, I imagine you’ve got all sorts to do today.”

“Cheers Ro.” 

Gemma had agreed to meet Ashley before the show for dinner, they agreed on an Italian just around the corner from the venue, “So have you spoken to my illusive brother much in the last couple of months?” Gemma asked as the waiter placed their sharing platter of dough balls on the table.

“Not much in the last few weeks, I guess that would be down to jet lag, he’s a busy man,” Ashley explained.

“Not to forget he’s loved up at the moment, did he mention that to you?” Gemma replied.

“I saw it on the internet, all those update accounts on Twitter were going mad, especially after Nick did that thing with the heart rate monitor.” Ashley informed her.

“So he never told you about Camille himself?” Gemma asked.

“No, I guess it never really came up in conversation, I mean there was that one time he said he couldn’t facetime Daisy because he was going out for dinner, and then the following morning there is pictures of them out together,”

“He gave up the opportunity to facetime Daisy? That doesn’t sound like Harry.” Gemma replied.

“He has seemed more distant since what happened on the heath on Daisy’s birthday,I just put it down to being busy with his tour.” Ashley explained.

“Being on tour has never stopped him staying in contact with you, I don’t get why now all of a sudden it's a problem.”

“I guess you’re right,” Ashley sighed, “I might ask him about it after the show.” 

Ashley stood at the sound desk with Gemma, Anne, Lou, Lux and Nick waiting for the show to start, the audience’s anticipation was immense, when he finally appeared on stage the screams were intense, having been to so many One Direction shows over the years Ashley had become immune to the ear ringing effect it once had on her. Harry appeared on stage in a sparkly yellow suit, beginning with Ever Since New York, followed by Two Ghosts and Carolina  before he went on to introduce himself to the crowd, “Hi I’m Harry, thank you for choosing to spend your night with us, we’re going to sing some songs for you tonight,” He chatted to the audience, “Please feel free to be whoever you want to be in this room tonight, this is Sweet Creature.” As he began to sing Ashley got the same funny butterfly feeling in her stomach that she got when Harry told her he wrote it for her, she didn’t really know why but hearing him sing it live meant so much more to her than it ever did when she played the studio version, she felt closer to the lyrics, understanding what each one meant. She figured that what Harry meant was that matter what happened, no matter where he ended up, she would always be the one he could call upon to bring him back to where he needed to be.

“You alright sweetheart?” Anne whispered, she had noticed the tears that stained Ashley’s cheeks, she wrapped an arm around her as Harry continued to sing.

After the show had finished one of Harry’s security team led the group backstage where Harry and his band were celebrating the end to another successful show, they were led down a few dimly lit corridors of the theatre to the green room where Harry and his team were sharing drinks and talking about the show. Ashley stood awkwardly beside Gemma, not really knowing what to do, it was the first time she had seen her best friend in almost three months, but it all felt so different, he was different. “Are you okay Ash?” Gemma whispered to her.

“Yeah, it all just feels different, he seems different.” Ashley replied.

“Look, he’s standing by himself, just go and talk to him.” Gemma encouraged her.

Ashley crept tentatively to where Harry was pouring himself a drink, “You guys were incredible up there.” Ashley told him, leaning against the wall beside him.

“Thank you.” Harry smiled.

“How’s the tour gone so far?” Ashley asked, trying to forge some sort of conversation, it had never been like this before, with Harry it was always easy and the conversation would just flow.

“It's been good,” he told her, their pathetic excuse of a conversation was interrupted by Harry’s phone ringing, he pulled it from his pocket for both of them to see Camille’s name flash up on the screen, “Sorry, I’ve got to take this.” Harry said before quickly leaving the lively atmosphere of the green room.

“You’re right, he isn’t the same,” Gemma said, taking a place beside Ashley promptly after Harry exited the room.

“He seems so distant Gem, and I have no clue why, through all the years of our friendship I’ve been able to read him, I could tell when things were wrong, but this time,” Ashley placed her head in her hand, “I have no clue Gem.”

“When he gets off the phone I’ll speak to him, I don’t think softly softly catchy monkey is going to work for much longer.” Gemma assured her, putting her arm around Ashley’s shoulder. 

“Alright love, I’ll speak to you soon, bye,” Harry ended the call to his girlfriend to see Gemma standing in the corridor just metres away from him, “You alright Gem? Enjoy the show?” 

“Enough of the small talk, what’s up with you tonight?” Gemma asked her brother, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Nothing, what are you on about Gem?” Harry asked.

“You and Ashley, if this were two years ago you would be following her around like a lost puppy, but you barely muttered three words to her in there.” Gemma told him.

“Yeah, that was two years ago, we’re different people now.” Harry replied.

“What does that mean? Gemma asked, clearly confused by what her brother meant.

“We aren’t the same people anymore, she has Daisy, I’ve got the tour, I guess we’ve drifted recently.” Harry explained.

“Just because you’ve drifted it doesn’t mean you can’t make your friendship work, it doesn't mean you can’t make the effort.” Gemma told him sternly.

“Maybe I’m tired of making the effort.” Harry replied flippantly, sighing heavily.

“Well at least I know where I stand.” Harry turned to see Ashley standing further down the corridor, she wavered before turning on her heel and running down the corridor to make her way out of the venue.

“Phenomenal Harry! Fucking Phenominal!” Gemma wasn’t usually one to swear, but in this instance it felt appropriate, “Aren’t you going to go after her?” She asked, Harry standing there awkwardly, “For Christ sake Harry go after her!”

“Ashley! Wait.” Harry called, power walking down the dark streets of Hammersmith.

“What for Harry? So you can remind me what a pathetic excuse of a life I lead?” Ashley shouted as she continued to march towards Hammersmith station, she was past caring about the press seeing their altercation.

“It isn’t like that Ash.” Harry muttered.

“What is it like Harry?” Ashley asked, stopping to look at Harry, “What bullshit explanation do you have that could justify you not wanting to put any effort into our friendship?” Harry was left speechless, if he was completely honest he didn’t even know, “You know what Harry, we’re done, this, our friendship it's done, I am not going to wait around for you to fight for something that clearly means nothing to you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? I’m sorry that when my daughter asks for her Uncle Harry in the middle of the night that I will have to tell her you want nothing to do with us, you know how important it was to me that she had a positive male role model in her life,” Ashley told him bitterly, “You are not the same Harry that I adored twelve years ago.” She looked him in the eyes as he showed little emotion, “Goodbye Harry.” She turned to walk away, she didn’t want him to see her cry, she didn’t want him to think he had in any way won, the bitterness of her salty tears stung her eyes as she made her way into the station, the overwhelming bright lights of the walkway making the stinging even worse.

Ashley entered her flat earlier than she or Ellie, her mum’s friend’s daughter who was babysitting Daisy had anticipated, “You’re back early,” Ellie said as she found Ashley in the hallway, taking off her shoes and jacket, she noticed Ashley’s tear stained cheeks, “Ashley are you alright? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I’m fine, how was Daisy?” Ashley asked, desperate to  change the topic of conversation.

“She’s been an absolute angel, I can stay for a bit if you want.” Ellie told her kindly.

“No, you go home, here’s the money, thank you for tonight.” She handed Ellie some cash as she left the flat, once Ellie had left Ashley broke down, she slumped against the wall, her head in her hands, she thought about Harry, he was a few mere miles away, but he may as well have been on the other side of the world. Ashley’s distress was interrupted by Daisy’s babbling, she was clearly wanting a night time feed, Ashley found Daisy stood up in her cot in their shared bedroom of their tiny flat, “Hello my angel,” she lifted Daisy out of the cot, snuggling her close to her chest, “Looks like its just me and you from now on my love.”

and there we go the final part of ‘forever?’ I’m working on some other writing projects at the moment but something tells me this won’t be the last we see of Ashley, Daisy and Harry...

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe: The Fantastic Mutants chapter 4: The Deadpool and Peridot Show (originally posted on August 29, 2020)

AN: Welcome back to The Fantastic Mutants everyone. This is a very special chapter because here I have a co-writer, whether I like it or not.

Surprise everyone, it's me Deadpool! Since this kid refuses to get his writing done quickly, I've taken it upon myself to "help" him out since no one can understand me better than me. Now then, back to my cohost here.

Yes, Deadpool of all people has decided to help me. Though I'd rather do all of this myself without any distractions.

Kinda like how this author's note is distracting us from the actual main event! Now let's just get this rolling already!

--

We begin on a talk show set in a blank white space, inhabited solely by a drop-dead handsome mercenary dressed in a beautiful shade of red with hints of black that was currently tearing it apart for no good reason. You know him, you love him, it's the sexiest anti-hero to have ever graced this dying industry, Deadpool.

"Thank you, thank you all!" yours truly bowed for an unseen audience as he finished tearing the set apart. "Now if all y'all have been lying under a rock since like, I don't know, '91, I am known as Wade Winston Wilson. I was created by Rob Liefeld and Fabian Niecieza for The New Mutants #98 in February 199-"

"Wade, I believe everyone knows who you are already." My white thinky-box, represented by a bold underline, cut me off. "You're already an Internet legend and of course, there's Ryan Reynolds."

"Can we just can the prologue already?" my yellow thinky-box, also represented by underlining but this time it was in italics. "There's gotta be people coming here solely for us who don't know what's going on."

"Okay wiseguys, you asked for it." the man who looked like a cross between Ryan Reynolds and a Shar-Pei underneath that creepily adorable mask replied. "So in case you guys are just joining us, this is a crossover with the modern classic with some of the most psycho fans in the Internet, Steven Universe." I explained. "Last chapter, our smol sunshine baby of a protagonist was kidnapped by the Master of Magnetism Magneto for some most likely evil science experiment by our favorite evil dictator with a superiority complex to compliment his tiny dick, Doctor Doom. In response, the Crystal Gems have decided that they need more hands on deck, and more characters than this story already needs."

"What does he want this to be, the DC Extended Universe?"

"I'd watch that mouth if I were you buddy." I called the dialogue box out. "Our author here has had experiences with those fans. If that Englishman can think he's free to call MCU fans Marvel Zombies, than he's free to have his own opinion. But someone that fanatical deserves to be called something similar, like a DCheep! Get it, because he's a sheep!"

"Can we please move on? This recap has already taken up two pages and I got real-life things to do." The author begged Wade.

"Okay, okay! Let's get this started already, keep your pants on!" the masked macho-man declared, marching off stage in an alluring fashion. "Cue scenery!"

--

Not too far from Westchester County, there was a shitty apartment where dwelled the hideously scarred human mutate, Wade Wilson. He was out like a light after the badass battle to the death he totally had last night, no joke. Not even a chimichanga could wake him up, and he didn't care that much for them. Yeah, no joke.

"Come on you sack 'a crap, wake up!" his blind, black, elderly roommate Blind Al groaned while fishing Wade out of bed with a snow shovel. "How much off-screen carnage puts you this much to sleep?"

"Enough for readers to get a glimpse of what I do in my spare time." Deadpool declared as he woke up, looking like he had a fantastic night's sleep. "Morning Al, off to do a crossover, see ya later!" he hurriedly greeted the old woman before leaving his room.

"Should I tell him he's not wearing pants?" Al muttered to herself. "Naw, he'll figure it out himself."

--

And figure it out he did. Immediately after that scene, Deadpool was wandering around the street fully clothed and ready to get this chapter over with.

"So, can we have our co-stars please show themselves?"

The author complied by dropping Connie, Peridot, Lapis Lazuli, Bismuth and Nephrite into the scene. "Wait, how did we get here?" Peridot wondered aloud. "And who are you?"

"Ooh, I get to hang with everyone's favorite character!" Deadpool cheered. "I've been writing up jokes about the fans I've been wanting to say for quite a while." He added to the readers while searching his hammerspace for cue cards. "Let me see, Molotov cocktail, big-ass cartoon bomb, reminder to sue Marvel & Capcom for leaving me out of Infinite, God knows how many machine guns."

"Uh, while you're looking for whatever it is you want, let me introduce myself." Connie introduced herself. "My name is Connie, pleased to meet you."

"Hey, can you put your cue-card search on hold and say hi to the kid?"

"Ah, here they are!" Deadpool declared as he fished a series of flashcards from seemingly his butt. "Been wanting to do this for ages." He said before clearing his throat, and he began to read off of them.

"Here are some complaints I have heard about Steven Universe. Complaint #1: literally no one can stay on-model because storyboarding is the devil. Complaint #2: Rebecca Sugar is a total butchphobic abuse supporter because she treats Jasper like crap and lets Lapis off the hook despite the fact that she's even worse."

"Please note that these are clearly not the opinions of the author. He's just been around Tumblr a lot and knows just how these so-called 'fans' think."

"Who said that?" Bismuth wondered aloud. "Oh hey, Bismuth!" Wade exclaimed as he just took notice of her. "That reminds me, Complaint #3: Making Bismuth an antagonist in any way, shape or form is racist because all minorities are pretty little angels than must be defended at all costs despite the facts that we're all human beings who have the potential to be complete balls to the wall sociopathic!"

"Okay, now you're just being used as a mouthpiece for the author. Hey buddy, can you stop him by introducing your version of the X-Force?!"

As a way to shut him up, the writer dropped the X-Force into the current scene on top of Deadpool. Their members, aside from Wilson, consisted of big names like Cable, Domino, Bob & Psylocke, to those who are only familiar to movie-watchers like Copycat, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio, Bedlam & Shatterstar, and even Outlaw & Fantomex!

"How did we get here?" Cable asked the other black-ops mutants as he got up. "Oh hey Natey, knew you'd come along sooner or later!" Wade greeted his cybernetic compadre. "I was just getting myself introduced to these characters that we'll be paired up with for this crossover."

"Hi, I'm Bob, Wade's best friend!" the HYDRA agent Bob cheerfully introduced himself. "Name's Domino." Neena Thurman responded.

"A pleasure to meet you, dearest jeune fille bleue." Fantomex greeted Lapis in a gentlemanly fashion. "You may call me Fantomex. "

"Charmed." Lapis replied.

"Wow, everyone wants Lapis! First Fandral, and now Fanto."

"Can you blame her? She's the writer's fave and top SU waifu! Favoritism much?"

"Name's Negasonic Teenage Warhead." Ellie Phimster introduced herself. "This here is Yukio." She added gesturing to a Japanese girl with pink hair and a big smile. "Hi there!"

"I'm Wade's girlfriend Vanessa, though a lot of people call me Copycat since that's my power." Vanessa stated. "Yeah, totally original."

"Call me Bedlam." Bedlam stated. "And this here is Shatterstar. Unlike the rest of us, he's an alien from the Mojoverse."

"And finally, these are Outlaw and Psylocke." Shatterstar gestured to the cowgirl and the ninja in the one piece. "Nice to meet ya." Inez Temple greeted. "Indeed." Betsy Braddock added.

"So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?" Deadpool asked Connie. "Don't give too much away, cause I already got a basic knowledge of what happened last chapter."

"Chapter?" Connie tilted her head in confusion. "Steven was kidnapped only an hour ago! What do you think this is, some kind of story?"

"You'd be surprised Girl-Who-Wasn't-Actually-Dressed-As-Gohan-In-That-One-Episode." The Merc with a Mouth grinned underneath his mask. Before anyone could move on however, a stereotypical overweight nerd who looks like he doesn't get out much wheeled in on an automated scooter with a plate of brownies in front of him. "And you are?"

"I am simply an SU Critical that wants to congratulate you for making my voice heard." The nerd congratulated Deadpool. "As a way of saying thanks, have some brownies."

"I get it! Deadpool won some brownie points!"

"Don't explain the joke dumbass. The punchline should be coming up now."

As Wade snacked on the brownies, he came to realize something was wrong with them. "Hey wait a second. Yo, stereotype! Why do these brownies taste like literal dogshit?!"

"That's my secret ingredient!" the nerd revealed, much to Wade's disgust and he angrily tossed the brownies on the ground. "It's to symbolize how I believe Steven Universe has gone bad ever since the barn arc ended since absolutely nothing can compare to the amazing character development Peridot got!"

"Oh, it's so nice to see someone notice my splendidness!" Peridot blushed as she felt humbled by the nerd. "Of course, then they had to devolve her into a mindless comic relief who only-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING MINDLESS COMIC RELIEF YOU CLOD?!" the small Gem shrieked furiously before she pounced on the basement dweller and began choking him. "I'll teach you to talk back to me immediately after giving my praises you hypocrite!"

As Peridot continued assaulting the nerd, everyone else watched in either shock, bemusement or in Deadpool's case, pride. "I think I want to be her new bestest friend already."

"But I thought we were friends!" Bob weeped sadly while Bedlam gave him a comforting pat on the head.

--

"And now it's time for a cutaway gag!"

"Cutaway gags? You gotta be kidding me, we're not Family Guy!"

"Just let the writer do his thing man, it's his imagination!"

--

"Come on Willy, I know you can do it!" a child version of Deadpool called to a whale in a scene that is clearly a reference to a certain all-time classic "Boy and his non-human friend" story. However just as Willy finally leaped over the rock Wade was standing on, he was immediately harpooned in midair and dragged towards a pirate ship manned by Captain Ahab. "Hey, wrong whale story Habbo Hotel!"

"After so many years of searching, that accursed whale is now mine to profit off!" Ahab and his crew celebrated their capture. "I'm talking sequels and an animated series to start, but the sky's the limit!"

"This ain't the last you'll see of me Old Thunder!" Wade cursed the sea captain as he made off with his prize. "I'll bring that whale home, just you wait!"

--

"Okay, that's a pretty unique idea for a gag. But seriously, back to the show."

--

"So, we're here because Magneto has kidnapped Steven with a bunch of Sentinels." Connie recapped to Deadpool while they were out and about in the city. "Now that you know what we're doing, can you tell us what you do?"

"I'm glad you asked Connie." Deadpool declared. "Allow me to explain the only way you Steven Universe characters probably know how. IN SONG!"

"Wait, a musical number, in a fanfiction?! Seriously?!"

"Hey shut it, this is gonna be good!"

"Lights please." Wade announced, shutting off the lights with a snap of his fingers, and turning them back on with another snap. He was now dressed as an Elvis impersonator with Cable, Domino, Bob and Copycat as his band. "What song do you plan on playing?" Vanessa asked her boyfriend.

"Just watch and listen." Wade responded, and began playing a parody of a classic movie song. "Here I go!" he started singing while Cable provided backup on the drums. "Woo! Ah-ha, ah-ha, let me show you what I work with!"

"Well Gambit was in league with a bunch of thieves, Cyclops has almost two thousand tales!" For his first act of insanity, the Regenerating Degenerate made about fifty longboxes filled with comics appear for Peridot & Lapis to rifle through. As soon as they discovered one with Wade fighting a vampire bat creature on the cover titled "Deadpool: The Gauntlet," the Deadpool on the cover continued the song.

"Well my friends, you're in luck cause up your sleeves, you got a kind of guy that never fails!" After Deadpool emerged from the issue Peridot was holding, he shot down various villains emerging from the other comics while singing.

"You got a real badass in your corner now, a real Wolverine type in your camp!" he then demonstrated by transforming his face into that of Logan's and then back again before letting bullets rain from above. "He can shoot, kablam! Bullets galore, all you gotta do is say my name!" Wade crooned. "And I'll say: 'Miss Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, what will your pleasure be?'"

As he sat the Gems down on a beach blanket, Deadpool then assumed pirate attire and set a heavy treasure chest on the ground. "Just give me a guy and I'll shoot him down, you ain't had a mercenary like me!"

Peridot began to excitedly open the chest while Lapis rolled her eyes. "Life's like a treasure chest," Wade's disembodied voice continued. When the treasure box was opened, the mercenary exploded out of it and made gold fly everywhere. "AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR KEY!"

Unlike her smaller partner, Lapis was still not amused. "C'mon, whisper to me what you want," Wade kept crooning, followed by splitting himself into four smaller Deadpools. "You ain't had a mercenary like me!"

"Contractors pride ourselves on service." One of the mini-Wades stated, and then they merged into the prime Wilson while spawning a lavish couch for his two guests. "You girls the hoss, the queens, the Shah! No matter what you wish, I'll be your bitch! How 'bout a few chimichangas?"

"Have some of Sample A, try all of Sample B!" Following the chimichanga rain, Peridot and Lapis were handed free samples at a supermarket before they found themselves on a velvet pillow held by Wade. "Anytime, any day, I'll help you babes. You ain't had a mercenary like me!"

A brief dance number then ensued between Deadpool and his hands. His left hand vocalized and the degenerate replied with an "Oh my!" When the right hand started singing, it was responded with "No no!" Both hands harmonized and they got a "Ha ha ha!" They sandwiched Deadpool between them as he peaced out with a "Zip-a-dee doo-dah!"

When Deadpool returned, he pointed straight at Peridot. "Give me a good badda-yadda-yadda!"

"Badda-yadda-yadda!" Peridot excitedly repeated. "Good, scotty-wop!" Wade then pointed to Lapis. Her reply was more unsure. "Uh, scotty-wop?"

"Everybody now!" Deadpool compelled the readers. "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"

"Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!" the readers answered excitedly.

"Yeah, y'all got it!" Wade congratulated before proceeding to demonstrate his healing factor. "Can your friends do this?" he asked, casually dislocating his arms. "Can your friends do that?" he added, ripping out his spinal cord to bounce on it like a certain stuffed tiger. "Can your friends pull this?" With that, Wade tore his skeleton out of his body and started dancing the Charleston with it. "Out a little hat?!"

Suddenly, Wade's skeleton started filling itself with dynamite sticks on the verge of exploding. "CAN YOUR FRIENDS GO-" The human mutate was interrupted as the TNT exploded, and the clouds gave way to him beatboxing while doing a silly dance.

"Call me the Merc with a Mouth, I am always there. North, West, East and South! So don't sit there slackjawed, all buggy-eyed! I'm here to answer all ya evening prayers!" he continued. "You got me bona-fide certified! A hired gun for your charge affair!"

"I got a powerful urge to help you out! So who's gonna die? I really need to know!" Deadpool said as the song began to reach its climax while pulling a long strip of paper from Peridot's mouth and began rubbing his bottom with it. "You got a list that's three miles long no doubt. So all you gotta do is pay-wayho!"

For the final setpiece, Peridot and Lapis now stood atop a mountain of dead Marvel characters that are so obscure, not even the most hardcore fans knew a thing about them. "Miss Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, what will your pleasure be?" Wade asked tunefully. Peridot then picked up one body, and its head suddenly turned into Deadpool's. "Anytime anyplace, I'll help you babes."

A few bodies rose from the dead, only for Deadpool to shoot them all down. "You ain't had a mercenary, never had a mercenary." He concluded. "You ain't had a mercenary, never had a mercenary."

Bullets once again began raining, along with all sorts of violent weapons as the song finally ended. "YOU AIN'T, HAD A, MERCE-NARY LIIIII-IIIIIKE MEEEEE!"

With the X-Force performing a kickline to finish things off, Deadpool pulled on a string dangling from above. "You ain't had a mercenary like me!" A flickering neon applause sign dropped down, capping off the rather pointless number.

--

"Well, that was a waste of time that'll never be spoken of again."

"Sincerest apologies to Alan Menken, Howard Ashman and especially Robin Williams. He would've been 69 this year. NICE!"

--

"Okay you generic-looking monster, time to discover who you truly are!" Connie declared to a captured Sasquatch while she, Peridot, Deadpool, Lapis and Cable were dressed as a certain band of meddling kids and their voracious canine pal. Connie ripped off the Sasquatch's head to reveal that it was a mask worn by an evil parrot with a scar across his face.

"Zoinks! Like, it's a parrot!" Deadpool declared in a beatnik voice. "Wait, a parrot? Is that all?"

"Far from it mein friends!" the parrot answered in a German accent. Suddenly, large robots kicked the walls around them down. "Behold, my Nazi robots!"

"N-Nazi robots?" Lapis stuttered. "Jeepers, this is just getting too weird."

Deadpool then glanced expectantly at Cable, who groaned while pushing up his glasses. "C'mon Cabey, say the line!" he exhorted the cyborg. With a heavy groan, Cable quietly said "Jinkies, run."

"He's right, let's split up gang!" Connie commanded, and the crew were off to the races. After passing by the same flowerpot approximately five times because there wasn't that much in the budget, the five came across a hallway littered with doors.

When Deadpool and Peridot burst into one door, they came out of another not too faraway, same with the others. However at the end of a door, they came across a blue digital ghost with yellow eyes & teeth and a grainy laugh.

"Ruh roh, rit's Rames Rarles the Rindly Rohnny!" Peridot exclaimed, making every word she spoke begin with R before she coughed. "How does anyone speak like this?" she asked Wade. "Because speech impediments are funny!" the mercenary replied. "Now let's move!"

"Seriously, why can't I be Fred?!" Cable complained while emerging from another door with Deadpool by his side instead of Lapis. "Connie gets the cool ascot, and all I'm left with is this bulky sweater and a short skirt!"

"Well for one, that skirt actually looks pretty cute on you." Wade answered with a stupidly cheeky grin on his face. Before anyone else could charge through more doors, zombie cats and dinosaurs that could move without thinking came charging in. "Wow, Scooby-Doo became a lot weirder than when I was a youngin."

--

Returning to the real world, the Crystal Temps and the X-Force have just plowed through an entire armed squadron inhabiting a conveniently abandoned office building and now had their leader tied up in a chair. "We ain't gonna let all those hallway fights amount to nothing!" Wade declared holding the squadron leader at gunpoint. "We've tried every torture technique in the book: eating your own food, threatening your family, doing a silly dance to some awesome music and yet still you won't talk!" he exclaimed. "So let me ask this again! What does the guy who gave Magneto & Doctor Doom those Sentinels look like?"

"What?" the gunman asked nervously, causing Wade to smash another wall. "WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?!" the mercenary shrieked. "What?" the captive continued squeaking. "WHAT AIN'T NO COUNTRY I EVER HEARD OF!" Deadpool yelled. "THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?!"

"What?" the man said a third time. "ENGLISH MOTHER-" Deadpool began, but then he noticed the T-rating and groaned. "ENGLISH YOU BASTARD, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!" he reiterated. "YES!" the gunman finally said something other than what. "THEN YOU MUST KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Deadpool kept yelling. "WHAT DOES YOUR MASTER LOOK LIKE?!"

"We could just beat the info outta him and be done with it." Bedlam advised. "No need for all this Pulp Fiction parody crap."

"Was I talking to you?" Wade asked his teammate tersely before going back to his captive. "Now where was I? Oh yeah! Does he look like a bitch?"

"Now you're just skipping lines!" the gunman squealed in defiance. "What else do you wanna do with me?!"

"Okay, I got another question for you." Wade stated. "Have you had your prostate exam lately?"

"What?" the gunman muttered, fearing what could come next. "In fact, I got just the girl to help me." Wade declared. "Hey Connie, your MILF of a mom is a doctor right? Surely you must know what I'm talking about!"

"Yeah, pretty much!" Connie answered. "Here, lend me your sword. We might need to operate." Deadpool said as he menacingly snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. "Hey author, why don't we cut to another scene before this gets too violent?"

--

"Now then, what are we working with he-There it is!"

"AUGH!"

--

Elsewhere, a stereotypical shadowy figure watched from a large video screen as the X-Force tore through his mercenaries. "That masked maniac is onto us!" he growled quietly while pounding his fist on an armrest and turned his chair to face Ruckus, Gorgeous George, Hairbag, Ramrod & Slab, the Nasty Boyz. "You five track him & those rainbow women down and kill them all!"

"Yes sir." The Nasty Boyz complied and set off for the Merc with a Mouth. "Now where do you suppose the merc could be now?" Hairbag asked his fellow Boyz. "My best guess, he's probably at that Hellhouse run by Patch." the Southern-accented Slab theorized. "Hopefully they have room for his head as a trophy."

--

"Well here we are at Saint Margaret's School for Wayward Children." Deadpool decreed as he suddenly parked a limo that he totally always had in front of the mercenary dispatch center he loved frequenting. "I suggest you try not to look at some of its inhabitants funny, some of them can get a little ballistic."

Entering the bar, the two teams had all eyes on them by all the other mercs at the establishment. "Uh, hello there." Connie nervously greeted one of them. "I don't think you're old enough to be here little girl." The mercenary replied ominously. "Don't worry Jessica, they're with me." Deadpool told the larger man. "So, where's Weasel?"

"Right here old buddy!" the bespectacled bartender called for Wade. "Hey, Weasel!" Wade exclaimed to his old friend while sitting down at the bar and exchanging a fistbump. "I see you're doing well Poolboy." Weasel said to his friend. "And who's the green midget with you?"

"This is Peridot, a member of the Crystal Gems." Shatterstar introduced Peridot. "Oh, you mean those rock ladies that creamed those Chitauri only to get creamed by Thanos?" Weasel asked, making Peridot pretty mad. "Hey, we creamed Thanos right back!"

"We're looking for information sir." Connie said to Weasel. "A friend of mine has been captured by Magneto & Doctor Doom using those Sentinel robots, and we want to know where they've come from."

"You want confidential info little girl?" the barkeep stated. "Go see Multiple Man over there at that poker table, he's usually the guy to talk to since he's a detective."

"Yet one mystery he can't solve is the mystery of why he can never get his own movie."

"ZING!"

At a nearby poker table, Jamie Madrox and some of his duplicates were playing cards with the albino mutant Caliban, and the four Jamies clearly had the upper hand. "All in!" one of the clones declared shoving his chips into the pot. "I know you are cheating Madrox." Caliban informed his opponent. "I mean, there are literally four of you!"

Just then, Deadpool abruptly shot one of the clones dead and sat down where he once was. "Deal me in." he simply declared as if nothing happened. "Caliban welcomes you Mr. Pool." Caliban nervously greeted the regenerating degenerate. "And who is your little friend?"

"You may call me Peridot, the suave, attractive and positively adorable leader of the Crystal Gems!" Peridot introduced herself arrogantly. "So, you more members of the X-Men? Haven't seen you around the mansion."

"Actually, we're members of a different team of mutants." Madrox replied, while his surviving doubles sadly carried their dead comrade away. "There are actually quite a lot of them you see. X-Factor; the one we're a part of, X-Statix, Excalibur, Generation X, the Morlocks and most famously Alpha Flight."

"Half of them sound so late 20th to early 21st century." Peridot commented. "I mean, X-Statix? Talk about totally cool dudes!"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Is this Saint Margaret's? We'd like to have a word with the owner." A voice came from the other side, catching all the patrons and employees off-guard. All was quiet, but then the Nasty Boyz came crashing through the wall instead of the door. "LET'S GET NASTY!" they all cried out, springing into action.

"Alright, what the shit is going on here?!" Bob "Patch" Stirrat, the elderly owner of Saint Margaret's growled, emerging from another room while stroking his big bushy mustache. "Oh god, it's the Nasty Boyz."

"The Nasty Boyz?" Peridot and Lapis repeated in unison before they laughed at the evil mutant team's name. Suddenly, the wood tables of the bar came to life and changed their form thanks to Ramrod, who used them to restrain everyone aside from Deadpool. "Okay boys, frisk him."

On Ramrod's orders, Gorgeous George used his shapeshifting powers to grab Wade by the ankles and dangle him above the ground. "Let's see what he's got here." Ruckus muttered, fishing through the belongings dropped as Wade was shaken up and down. "Various pistols, swords, nunchucks, staves, forks, a bazooka."

"Most of those were from a Ninja Turtles convention I went to last year." Wade revealed. "Don't know where the bazooka came from."

"Rubber chicken, five month old bag of pizza pockets; that are still warm," Slab continued for his teammate. "Ryan Reynolds's phone number, large collection of nude selfies from Thumbelin-WHAT?!"

To Slab's absolute shock and fury, he found an overfilled file of lewd pictures taken by his sister Kristina Anderson with her phone number on it, along with a message saying "I bet you want more, my raging sex machine!" Crushing the file in his hand, Slab furiously glared at Deadpool. "Wilson, you son of a bitch!"

"Geez Chris, I thought you had a sense of humor." Wade grinned cheekily. "After all, SHE'S YOUR SISTER!" Then like Thor returning Mjolnir to his hand, the mercenary wiggled his fingers to call one of his katana blades back and free himself from Gorgeous George before rescuing his friends. "SSSSSSmokin'!" he hissed before spin-dashing out of the bar.

"After that degenerate!" Hairbag exclaimed while Slab frothed in wordless rage and the Boyz gave chase, leaving the bar in tatters. "Hey, which of you assholes is gonna clean this up?!" Patch exclaimed, but then he answered his own question by handing Weasel a broom.

--

"Everyone, to the Deadpoolmobile!" Deadpool exclaimed as the X-Force and Crystal Temps piled into the limousine from earlier. "Where did you ever get this car anyways?" Bismuth asked him, and he replied. "Don't think about it!"

Far across the city, Robert Kelly was left facepalming and a colleague of his scratching his head when they discovered that one of Kelly's limos was missing, its place taken by a graffiti message saying "I O U".

"I hate that Deadpool." Senator Kelly groaned.

--

"You get back here this instant you red-masked c-" Slab called for Deadpool as the Nasty Boyz chased them in a stolen taxi, but his cursing was cut off by Deadpool popping out the sunroof of the limousine to open fire on them.

"Wait, if Deadpool is up there, then who is driving?" Connie asked the group, and that's when Yukio made a shocking realization. "Oh my god, Demon Bear is driving!" she exclaimed pointing to a demonic bear that was taking the wheel. "How can that be?!"

--

"That's right folks, Lawrence Abrams is here to report that the insanely infamous insane mercenary Deadpool has started an intense car chase where he's hijacked a limo belonging to Senator Robert Kelly and is being chased by a group of other mutants called the Nasty Boyz." Lawrence Abrams said on the television at the Baxter Building, where Garnet, Pearl, Colossus and Wolverine had now caught wind of the event. "And there's also some kinda bear driving the limo for some reason. Why's there a bear?! Who gives a damn! And now onto Sally Floyd with politics!"

"Deadpool." Colossus glowered in embarrassment. "Come my friends, we must go and handle this crisis ourselves." He declared while preparing to leave the building. "But you let Connie go on that mission for her optimism." Pearl stated to the metal mutant while setting Reed and Sue's young son Franklin Richards on the floor.

"We know Pearl, but that maniac is a whole 'nother level of unpredictable." Wolverine grumbled. "And there's a high chance Connie's life is at risk here! Right Garnet?"

"Logan is correct. I can see multiple paths where things go horribly wrong." Garnet agreed with Logan. "Oh, you're leaving already?" Franklin's older sister Valeria asked them. "Mom and Dad were just about to introduce you to H.E.R.B.I.E."

"It's alright Valeria, they still have friends to help." Susan assured her daughter. "Go on Gems, we'll catch up with you back at the mansion."

"It's been a pleasure to be shown around the Baxter Building and meeting the kids Sue." Pearl said gratefully and shook the Invisible Woman's hand. "I especially like how Franklin reminds me of Steven."

"Bye Ms. Pearl!" Franklin said goodbye by hugging the tall Gem's leg. "Oh, goodbye to you too Frank." Pearl replied. "Hey, what about me?!" the Four's AI H.E.R.B.I.E exclaimed irritably. "Don't I get anything to say?!"

--

"Oy Cain, you gotta check this out!" Black Tom called to Juggernaut while he was watching TV. The Brotherhood of Mutants had stopped to refuel their ship and Black Tom had run off on his own when he discovered a TV shop playing the same news report of Deadpool's car chase. "What say we give Deadpool an old one-two before Mags finishes up?"

"You son of a bitch, I'm in!" Juggernaut exclaimed eagerly, giving his teammate a fist-bump that knocked Tom to the ground. "You okay there?"

--

"We have your limousine surrounded! Come out of the vehicle with your hands in the air!" a police officer barked into a bullhorn as they had Deadpool and pals backed into a corner. "I would make a police brutality joke, but even I know that would be too soon." Wade said to the readers as he screeched the limo to a stop, making donuts on the street and damaging numerous police cars in the process.

"Okay, now you're just either showing off or defying us." The cop with the megaphone japed. Just then, a mighty thud briefly shook the ground. And another. And another. And another. And-

"Quit stalling writer, we know who it is! It's the goddamn Juggernaut!" Deadpool interrupted the third-person omniscient narrator. "Literally everyone and their goddamn long lost relatives know who he is!" The mighty Juggernaut continued inching closer to the fanboying mercenary while the police scattered out of fear of him and Peridot poked her head out the sunroof to see what was up.

"Uh, Wade?" the petite Gem squeaked nervously. "You know who that is right?"

"Didn't I just say that it's ol' Juggernaut?!" Wade exclaimed to his new best friend. "Oh, the things I could say about how much of a badass he is! This guy has beaten the shit outta Cyttorak, the Thing, Colossus, Blob & Thor and even called banging She-Hulk a stalemate! Maybe, that last one was actually a cl-"

Before Deadpool could finish the sentence, Juggernaut grabbed him by the neck with just two fingers and brought him very close to his helmeted face. "Hello Wade." He beamed callously. "Hey Cainy, is that new toothpaste I smell?" Deadpool greeted him nervously. "What flavor is it this time, Feeling Bad About Your Shitty Mutant Powers So You Get New Ones from Cyttorak?"

"Goddamn he went there." Black Tom muttered, only to receive a glare from his partner.

"Deadpool!" Garnet called for the Merc with a Mouth as she, Pearl, Colossus and Wolverine entered the scene. "Oh, hey guys." Peridot nervously waved to her fellow Crystal Gems. "What brings you here?"

"We came here to take control of this current situation." Pearl explained. "No matter how much you want to swear and kill and all sorts of other crass activities, we still need your help in saving a friend of ours."

"I appreciate you want me to be more involved in this story Mordecai," Wade said to Pearl. "but can this wait a bit? I'm currently in the middle of worshipping the Juggernaut, bit-"

However within seconds, Deadpool was mashed into the ground by Juggernaut, leaving only a few scattered body parts lying in a puddle of blood. "Oh, so rude!" his disembodied head declared indignantly. "And to think we were buddies at one time Marky-Mark." He then turned to face the audience one last time before the degenerate would meet his not very possible untimely end. "But since I'm literally nothing but blood, my head, a few fingers, an upper arm and my dick right now, let's lighten the mood a little with some more gags, shall we?"

"As if we didn't waste enough time already."

--

"I love the smell of 372,844 pancakes in the morning." Deadpool declared as he flipped his last pancake and added it to the growing mountain of pancakes. "Smells like victory!"

"Why on Earth would you need this many pancakes?" Bismuth asked while Deadpool turned on the ceiling sprinklers to pour maple syrup all over each and every one of them at once. "Well, that's pretty clever I'll admit."

--

"Okay Peridot, ace this test and you're on the team!" Wade, now a coach for the girls' swim team comprised of Lapis, Bismuth, Domino, Warhead, Yukio, Outlaw, Copycat, Psylocke & Nephrite, announced to their soon to be newest member Peridot while she prepared to dive.

"This is it Peri, get this right and you'll make everyone proud!" Peridot muttered to herself while adjusting her cap and gazing at Lapis. As soon as Coach Wade blew the whistle, Peridot leaped into the water…and soon began struggling to keep herself afloat in a very exaggerated manner. "AAAAAGH, SOMEONE HELP! LIFEGUARD, COACH, SOS! THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!" she shrieked for help before the chlorinated water won out and she sank to the bottom.

"I'll save you!" Cable roared while assuming the role of a lifeguard, preparing to jump in the water after her when Wade stopped him. "No no, wait for the punchline."

When Peridot finally breached the surface, she dramatically gasped for air and then frantically paddled towards the end of the pool, grabbing the ledge with a serious expression on her face. "So, how do you like my swimming?" she asked, acting like nothing had happened. However, no one else was there to answer except for Deadpool. "Hey, where did everyone go?!"

"They jumped ship an hour ago because they were tired of waiting." Wade answered. "But you still get on the team cause you really made me laugh."

--

"Gotta say Lapis, we got quite a team here." Deadpool remarked proudly to his fellow baseball player Lapis. "Uh, yeah, they're great." Lapis nervously replied while failing to get the joke. "So, who's on first?"

"Yeah, and what's on second." Wade responded eagerly. "No, I want to know who's on first." Lapis continued asking. "Exactly! We already established that who's on first, what's on second and I don't know is third."

"Wait, do you not know their names or are those seriously what they're called?" the ocean Gem asked, causing great irritation for her team captain. "Dammit Lapis, you spoiled the punchline!" he reprimanded her. "In fact, this whole Abbott and Costello tribute was just an excuse to see you dress up as Bob again! I mean, can you blame me with those shorts?"

"Abbott and who now?" Lapis remarked with a raised eyebrow.

"You really need to get out more." Wade deadpanned, lowering his eyelids in response.

--

"Welcome back one and all to Celebrity Jeopardy." Pearl announced, now dressed as Alex Trebek. "Now before we proceed, I'd like to apologize on the behalf of our contestants to all viewers with rather unusual lifestyles. We here at the studio refuse to judge anyone based on how they live, and sincerely hope you accept our apologies. Now then, let's proceed with our contestants."

Deadpool was in the podium closest to Pearl, now dressed as Sean Connery. "Mr. Connery is in first place with only -1 dollar." Pearl began recapping for the viewers at home. "About as many points as your mother gave you!" Wade cackled.

"Classy." Pearl responded crossly before shining the spotlight on Lewis Black, aka Peridot. "Mr. Black now has a score of, shockingly enough, -6,000 dollars." She explained, prompting the small Gem turned abrasive comedian to climb up on top of her podium in the middle. "Is that enough to buy my own bus?"

"And finally, Josh Brolin, now having raised 35 dollars." Pearl concluded while Juggernaut assumed the role of the aforementioned actor many may know as a certain Mad Titan. "I don't feel so good." Cain muttered. "Damn, walked right into that one!"

"Very well then. With introductions out of the way, let's move onto the board." Pearl stated, moving her eyes from the podiums to the categories. "Tonight our categories are Annals of History, Potent Potables, What Bulls Hit, Jokes, Popular Foreign Television, Places with Names Ending in 'Nia' and Video Games." Deadpool then pressed his buzzer. "Mr. Connery, you have the board."

"I'll take What Bullshit for $500 Al." Wade announced with a stupid grin on his face, clearly misreading the category he had chosen. "And I can tell you plenty of things that are bullshit."

"No, it clearly says What Bulls-" Pearl began to correct the masked contestant before she came to a realization. "Whoa! Okay, walked right into that one. Anyways, the question is: "It is commonly believed bulls are enraged by this color". Mr. Connery?"

"I'll tell you something I've hit recently." Deadpool chortled. "Hit up a few bars over the past week while hanging with your mom. She and I had a wonderful time, if you get what I mean! Wink wink, nudge nudge."

"I don't even have a mother!" Pearl ranted hotly. "And can we please return to what was happening earlier?! These pop culture references are nothing but a waste of time!"

"Thank you!"

"Boldface, you ignorant slut."

--

"Oh no, Wade!" Peridot yelled for Deadpool as she dashed out the limo to check on the puddle of blood and body parts that was once her new friend. "Please speak to us you clod, you can't die like this!"

"That's because I can't!" Deadpool proudly declared and in a beautiful Disney-like spectacle, slowly reassembled himself until he was the full-bodied lovable manic once again. "Healing factor baby! Got it when some asshole tried to cure my cancer, along with looking like a walking tumor."

"Uh hey, remember us?" the Nasty Boyz cried out in unison, catching the merc's attention. "Oh right, you guys. Gotta wrap up the chapter somehow." As a result, Wade opened fire on the evil mutants, shooting them in the arms, kneecaps and especially their dicks. "Oh and Bismuth, Peridot? You guys got Black Tom & Juggies. I'll take Garnet and Pearl!"

"You got it, I guess." Bismuth complied before she and her little friend squared off with Cassidy & Cain, leaving Wade alone against the senior Crystal Gems.

"Hey, what about us?" Lapis asked the writer, who responded by typing, "Didn't think that far ahead. You guys can just do crowd control."

"Okay Q-Bert and Drinking Bird," Deadpool exclaimed. "you two may have thousands of years of battle experience on your show but in terms of franchise ages, I've been doing this for far longer! There was even a graphic novel trilogy where an actually insane version of me killed the rest of Marvel, tons of classic literature characters and even other versions of me!"

"Do you have any idea what he's saying anymore?" Pearl asked Garnet. "I'm not sure. I fear he may be too unpredictable for us to comprehend!" Garnet answered fearfully. "You can try if you want." Deadpool beckoned them with a silly dance. "But I can assure you that hilarity will ensue!"

Pearl leaped at the Merc with a Mouth, but she was quickly denied a hit when Wade did a pirouette and kicked her in the back, sending her flying into a lamppost. "See, what did I tells ya?!"

Garnet tried her hand at attacking by enlarging her gauntlets & launching them at her foe, but they proved to be useless against him. Deadpool then rapidly fired his gun at Garnet, but she blocked all the bullets with her gauntlets and then finally moved so fast, not even Deadpool could catch her and was punched in the face.

"Wow okay, you got the guts!" Wade yelled while readjusting his head from the hit. "Seems like I really am a bit outmatched by you Garnet. Or maybe a certain someone just wants to make things fair!"

"Come on you maniac, what else can you throw at us?!" Pearl asked pointing her spear. "Oh what else can I throw?" Deadpool replied, letting out a sinister giggle while wearing a pair of shiny glasses and clasping his fingers together. "Let me show you!"

Whipping out his katana blades, Deadpool laughed maniacally while using them to tear the background apart, leaving nothing but a blank white space behind. "WELCOME CRYSTAL GEMS TO MY TURF! I PRESENT TO YOU THE FOURTH WALL, WHERE LOGIC IS JUST AS ILLEGAL AS JAYWALKING!"

"This is starting to remind me of that Uncle person." Pearl muttered in awe. "I thought we promised to never speak of that man again." Garnet instructed the former servant. "Well if he wants to make jokes and talk to the audience, then so can we."

When the two Gems joined hand, there was a bright shimmer as the pair merged into the returning glamorous Sardonyx. "Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in-between, the Gem Hostess with the Mostest has finally returned!" the fusion of Garnet and Pearl announced. "And it seems we have a very special guest star today."

"Sardonyx, huh?" Deadpool muttered while scrolling through the Steven Universe wiki for statistics. "Oh I see, she's here because we can both break the fourth wall!"

"A worthy opponent for you I must say!" Sardonyx chortled before smashing Deadpool in with her hammer. "Of course you realize this means war!" Wade roared, proceeding to whip out numerous cartoon guns, launching them all at once. "RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA-RATA!" he screamed while launching lead at his fusion foe, following up with a declaration of "Omae wa mou shindeiru."

"N-NANI?!" Sardonyx cried out in shock before she spontaneously combusted with a cry of "HIDEBU!" However, the explosion cleared up and she was perfectly fine. "Psyche! Hammer time!"

Before Sardonyx could hit Deadpool with the hammer again, he disappeared into a cartoon hole like it were a solid object and reappeared out another. "Ha, that Spot douche should take notes from-OH GOD!"

"Anyone up for Whack-A-Mole?!" Sardonyx exclaimed, proceeding to whack her opponent multiple times with her hammer before he vanished and popped out another hole. And another, and another, and another, and another, until the hiding began to tire him out. "Jesus she's good." Wade panted, and then he began to make a plan. "I swore that I would never use this the moment I stole it from those schmoes, but I'm left with no choice!"

Sticking a hand up his red-clad butt, Deadpool pulled it out while holding a small black jewel that seemed similar to the Infinity Stones. "Ough, I also swore to never use it again because looking for it is a literal pain in my ass!"

"That Infinity Stone isn't canon!" Sardonyx objected while sounding like a stereotypical nerd. "Oh it may not be canon my dear, but we're in the Fourth Wall where anything could happen." Deadpool explained deviously. "With this Continuity Stone, I could warp all reality to my whims! I could use it to go back in time and erase One More Day by preventing Civil War from happening, or maybe beat the shit outta that Judas Traveller prick and his butt-buddies! But what I plan on doing now is using this stone to erase you from this reality once and for all!"

"Oh no, I don't feel so good!" Sardonyx dramatically announced as she felt herself fading away. "I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world!" With that, the fusion finally vanished and presumably Garnet & Pearl as well. As Deadpool let out a heavy sigh, he suddenly realized that the Continuity Stone was now missing. "What the?! Where did it go!?"

"Looking for something Ninja Spidey?" a familiar voice rang out. Sardonyx was now back to normal and smugly held the Stone in her hand, setting it down like a golfball and swinging it at Deadpool's eye, causing his body to explode.

"Can I at least get one F-bomb in Mr. Author Man? Please?" Wade begged the author by putting on his best puppy dog eyes until his disembodied head landed in one of Sardonyx's hands. "To be or not to be," she began quoting Shakespeare. "That is the question."

"I got a question." The mercenary's head growled angrily. "On a scale from one to ten, how much do you think I FUCKING hate you?"

"Watch the mouth sonny, children could be reading this!" Sardonyx chortled. "Now then, let's finish this chapter!"

--

One bypass of the chapter break later, Sardonyx and the defeated Deadpool were now out of the Fourth Wall and back in the real world where the Nasty Boyz, Juggernaut & Black Tom were now nowhere to be seen.

"Okay, I give up!" Deadpool complained while his body began to regenerate. "I'll go with your stupid plan! Didn't really need to treat me like how Pearl killed that one Irishman during the Easter Rising."

"It was an accident!" Pearl exclaimed as she and Garnet defused. "And how did you possibly know?"

"But before we move onto the next chapter, can we make a quick stop first?" Deadpool asked. "There's a joke I think needs resolving."

--

"You'll never take the whale from me Wilson!" Captain Ahab exclaimed as he engaged in a swordfight with the dread pirate Straw Hat Deadpool and his motley crew. "I'll surrender when I get eaten alive!"

"Funny you should mention that Habbo." First Mate Peridot sneered before she whistled loudly for Willy to breach the surface, breaking most of Ahab's ship and swallowing him whole. "I'll get you for this Wade!" Ahab shrieked vengefully. "You haven't seen the last of me!"

When Ahab was finally swallowed, Willy gave the pirates his farewells and dove back into the water, free again at last.

"What did parodying both Free Willy and Moby Dick have to do with anything?" Pearl asked Straw Hat Deadpool. "You know what? After what I've experienced, I don't think I want to know."

--

At long last, the chapter is done! Good thing too, because my partner has just started college as we write this and all that education is gonna cut into his freetime!

Yes indeed, the next chapter will take a bit longer to come out because of college. But I still get a few months off soon, so there you go.

Well, that should settle it. You get some free writing done and I won't take your ANDY ONLY stuff. Hasta luego amigo! And be sure to give my regards to your mom!

[flowerslut]

BREAKING DAWN Part 1 & Part 2

an updated, more modern take on the original soundtrack.

(TWILIGHT) (NEW MOON) (ECLIPSE)

spotify link — BD pt1 spotify link — BD pt2

[track list and commentary under the cut]

Part One

 Endtapes — The Joy Formidable  ➼ ➼ ➼ I Will Be Waiting — Let’s Eat Grandma

This soundtrack starts off so strongly that I had no choice but to pick one that can kick it off just as well. Let’s Eat Grandma might be my favorite band I’ve found this year. Their genre-bending is exquisite.

Love Will Take You — Angus & Julia Stone  ➼ ➼ ➼ Need Ur Luv (Japanese Wallpaper Remix) — Charli XCX

Talk to me a year ago and tell me I was going to be putting Charli on a Twilight soundtrack recreation and I would’ve stared blankly and asked “fucking how?” Well, with this incredible Japanese Wallpaper remix, that’s how.

It Will Rain — Bruno Mars ➼ ➼ ➼ In My Blood — Shawn Mendes 

And how do you replace baby Bruno? Well, only with today’s romantic power-balad singing baby, Shawn Mendes. It’s a perfect replacement, if you ask me.

Turning Page — Sleeping at Last  ➼ ➼ ➼ For Now - Reimagined — Kina Grannis

Any other 2009-era Kina Grannis stans? Message From Your Heart? All those YouTube covers? No, just me? Whatever. Kina belonged on those soundtracks back then, and this is setting things right.

From Now On — The Features  ➼ ➼ ➼ Cliffs Edge — Hayley Kiyoko

One of Hayley’s older songs, so it’s not too new, but I felt that is matched From Now On’s mood fantastically.

A Thousand Years — Christina Perri  ➼ ➼ ➼  human — Christina Perri

No, this isn’t cheating. But only Christina Perri can truly replace Christina Perri. It’s also a perfect pre-change Bella song. I’m sure you heard this song everywhere at the end of the saga when everyone took to YouTube to make their cathartic recap videos. 2012-13 was a great (but weird) year to be a Twilight stan.

Neighbors — Theophilus London ➼ ➼ ➼ FACE — BROCKHAMPTON

Whether you like BROCKHAMPTON or not means little to me. They were absolutely ending up on one of these soundtracks. And as replacement to Neighbors, it’s like they belong. “Tell me what you’re waiting for? I just want to love you.” Ouch. Harsh Jacob vibes.

I Didn’t Mean It — The Belle Brigade ➼ ➼ ➼ All out of Tears — Z Berg

Z Berg created a song that sounded like it was made for one of these soundtracks. It’s insane. And one of my fucking favorites.

Sister Rosetta — Noisettes  ➼ ➼ ➼ Digital Witness — St. Vincent

The Twilight soundtracks (and also Sufjan Stevens himself) are responsible for introducing me to St. Vincent. Now, years later, she’s consistently been one of my favorite artists. She has the range, y’all.

Northern Lights — Cider Sky  ➼ ➼ ➼ Pool — Paramore

Of course I was putting Paramore back on one of these lists, you crazies. (And this isn’t the last you’ll see of them, either.) 

Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Wedding Version) — Iron & Wine ➼ ➼ ➼ New America Classic — Vitamin String Quartet

There isn’t a wedding version of New American classic, but there is a Vitamin String Quartet version! (And no offense Iron & Wine, but it sounds so much more like an actual wedding song.) Any OG Twilight stans know that in this house, we love and cherish the Vitamin String Quartet. They were like our musical savior back in the day. Couldn’t find a decent quality soundtrack upload? No worries. Odds are, they’d already recorded an insane strings cover already.

Requiem on — Imperial Mammoth  ➼ ➼ ➼ Waste — Oh Wonder

I unashamedly adore this song by Oh Wonder. Their dual vocals always put me in a damn trance. It’s so beautiful to describe. Just listen.

Cold — Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz ➼ ➼ ➼ Willow (feat. Robert Pattinson) — Tindersticks

Told you I’d stick him back on the soundtracks eventually. This song is so hauntingly perfect. When I first heard it it reminded me why I was so in love with Robert back in the day. That voice, man. Talent leapt!

Lloverá — Mía Maestro  ➼ ➼ ➼ Silence II — Son Lux

It’s not as beautiful as the Carmen actress’ ballad, but it’s just as haunting.

Love Death Birth — Carter Burwell  ➼ ➼ ➼ Sæglópur — Sigur Rós

When I went through my Sigur Rós phase way back when (pre-Twilight) Sæglópur was my favorite song for ages. It takes you through the whole spectrum of emotion, just as Carter Burwell’s music does. I thought it was an ideal way to end this first half.

You still get bonus tracks! Here’s two for the first movie:

Otherside — Perfume Genius

Simple. Powerful. Emotional. All you need at this point in the saga.

Everything In Its Right Place — Radiohead 

A song that feels like waking up from a dream. Perfect for Bella’s dramatic change. (And of course I had to actually add Radiohead to one of these.)

Part Two

Where I Come From — Passion Pit  ➼ ➼ ➼ Manchester — Kishi Bashi

Bella deserves to see the world for the first time with vampire eyes while Kishi Bashi magically transforms the scene in the background. It’s *chef’s kiss* literal perfection. 

Bittersweet — Ellie Goulding  ➼ ➼ ➼ Warrior — AURORA

Can I go off topic for half a second and tell you guys that I cried when I saw AURORA featured on the new Frozen song? No one deserves that wide recognition as much as she does. And no one does mystical pop better than AURORA (not even Ellie Goulding).

The Forgotten — Green Day ➼ ➼ ➼ Warm Winds (feat. Isaiah Rashad) — SZA

SZA deserves this spot and don’t even question why. SZA’s first album was so iconically emo. She’s another artist I’m convinced would’ve been reached out to for a track if she’d been making music just a little bit earlier.

Fire In The Water — Feist ➼ ➼ ➼ Carry Me Out — Mitski

Even though I’ve been a Feist fan since I got my first vocal comparison to her pre-Twilight (so I was ecstatic when she was featured here) I think Mitski really encapsulates everything a Twilight soundtrack needs.

Everything and Nothing — The Boom Circuits ➼ ➼ ➼ Highspeeds — Elliot Moss

I can’t not give Elliot Moss a spot. And that's it.

The Antidote — St. Vincent  ➼ ➼ ➼ Unholy Trinity — Von Grey

I needed a harder song for this replacement and Von Grey’s music does the trick. This is the band of an old Tumblr friend that goes fucking hard, y’all. She and her sisters know how to bang out the tunes.

Speak Up — POP ETC  ➼ ➼ ➼ Reasons Not To Die (Demo) — Ryn Weaver

This girl just knows how to fucking get me. Her second and final appearance on the soundtrack, here to just make you want to laugh and cry all at once. And as a replacement to another top favorite, it works well.

Heart of Stone — Iko  ➼ ➼ ➼ Smother — Daughter

Heart of Stone actually made my end of year top tracks playlist for 2018. I knew I needed a solid replacement. And you can never go wrong with a Daughter track.

Cover Your Tracks — A Boy and His Kite  ➼ ➼ ➼ In The Mourning — Paramore

We bid farewell to Paramore with their final appearance here. In The Mourning is another long-time favorite. It��s beautiful. And sad! We love it.

Ghosts — James Vincent McMorrow  ➼ ➼ ➼ Weight — Crywolf

You need that late Breaking Dawn depressing shit? I got you that late Breaking Dawn depressing shit. “Bless me with just one kiss before you leave me here with my heart.”

All I've Ever Needed — Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed ➼ ➼ ➼ Beetroot (What If I Was 1?) — Blue Americans

I can’t describe how double-sad I get when I remember that Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed divorced not long after the saga wrapped. (Not that I ever had an attachment to him, but this song is so nice!) So that’s why Beetroot is a little sadder than All I’ve Ever Needed. Still a great song though.

New for You — Reeve Carney ➼ ➼ ➼ Black Hole — HANA 

Black Hole is a little more pop than New For You. But it’s beautiful and nice and lovely and I am also In Love with HANA. So you get her here.

A Thousand Years (Part 2) — Christina Perri (feat. Steve Kazee) ➼ ➼ ➼ I Get To Love You — Ruelle 

Had had had to put this incredible, romantic, hopeful song at the end of this soundtrack specifically. Just listen and tell me you don’t get emotional over their future with this.

Plus Que Ma Propre Vie (More Than My Own Life) — Carter Burwell ➼ ➼ ➼ Half Life - Instrumental Version — Imogen Heap

How are you supposed to pick a song to end the soundtracks? Thankfully, Imogen Heap had the foresight to release instrumental versions of each song on her Ellipse album. Such a thoughtful queen. We thank her by giving her the final word. 

What’s this? No more? It’s okay. You do get bonus tracks, but not here.

I’ll be posting one more soundtrack, full of all the extras and little gems that I couldn’t quite place in any specific spot on the soundtracks. A whole other playlist full of Twilight-vibey songs for your listening enjoyment! Look out for that next week. Happy New Year!

[saikasae]

Hello!

So I wrote something. I have been keeping this to myself, for quite a long time. But now I finally dared to post it here. I'm an amateur writer. I don't have any other writing experience, so I don't know where to start. So if you read this please leave out a note or any advice you would give to me. It would help me make my craft better. So your free to do so.

I don't have a working title for this. And it's not really under any genre at the moment. I do have a rough plan of its initial direction and the remaining cast. It may change over time. I hope I can see still keep writing. I do what to finish something in my life and this is one of them. This has been my baby that supports me in my emotional turmoil and has been my coping outlet with all the bad things that recently gone my way.

You free to criticize my work. And your free to do so. It would help me out.

CHAPTER 1

" It was because of the young man's charms, that she fell in love and left her family to be with him"

The plummet street of Harth is buzzing with the sound of the wet market. Voice of merchants and buyers resonated with the dirty streets. Bargaining a purchase or sling a deal. It was filled with voices with wants and needs, in the intent for betterment at each end of their bargain. It was a small fishing town in the outmost corner of Ciel.

A group of children huddles closely, by the inside the unmoving traveling wagon. Tranted with generation years of use. And seemingly incapable of its initial usage. It shows poke and tears of the cloth encapsulation it's an inner cabin. And rotten, creaking wooden panels threatening to collapse beneath their feet.

Voice looms over the wooden carriage, each bringing voices of concern and question. Regarding the statement.

One voice looms above the rest, as it regarding its listener with their concern. A young girl who seems not to have reached the age of ten held the authority in the present discussion. Urging her listener, by constantly shushing. Ever relevant to children's insolence. As her listener, who are children, both boys and girls alike, no one older than herself, refuses to listen to that so-called held authority. It was with bickering calls and name-calling, ever-present in childhood brawls. That she finally regains the presence of her audience.

" Like is said SHUT UP-" the young girl places her hand in her lavish hair. Having trouble asses control over the situation. Dressed in a hand me down, thin cloth of baker flour sack, fashioned into clothing and a pair of mismatched shoes, a fortune as regards if you live in slums. Which most citizens are barefooted.

Elie has a face said to be suited of a low Nobel woman, praise in its self is a high worth. If she would maintain their Nobel's counterpart's hygiene. Most more likely containing a luxurious amount of soaps fashioned from animal fats. Essential perfumed oils from flower, within the part of their land, is rarely to be seen or ever smell one.

If she only would wear an elegantly woven dress, with intricately detailed and finely measured to the wearer's body, and in a possession of a precious plot of land embroidered with a few finely crafted jewelry, accessory toppled with color full weirdly shapes, expensive gems stone. She would at least look the part.

In which as the young maiden regarded is a merely a boastful fashioned of wealth. No more than an empty representation of their extravagant, crude lifestyle.

"The man is a Lord, I heard."

She and the other children in her care. Had never seen a lord before, or contemplate enough to imagine, what would one looked like. But in their imagination maybe sum up to a single image; a bloated, grotesque large body, always hungry individual, fashioned with the most expensive clothes and gems in the land. With twice expression for hungry. And pious like face.

In summary, a pig wearing expensive clothing.

Harth has never seen a Nobel- a Lord before, and never contemplated to house one. It was a suburban fishing village, relative close to the kingdom of Ciel in its outermost outskirts. Closes to Laurice's family's summer house. A house by which the Laurice king's as born. Centered by both powerful families. Neither one wants to own Harth. The remaining of the few villages were disregarded by the realm. Poor enough to be disregarded for the prosperity of the realm.

The young girl's thoughts stray away, it was immediately brought back, by the urgent sounds of discussion of her audience.

" That's not true! My mother said that the girl did-not fell in love with him. But-but she was taken by him" regarded by a skinny boy with the voice of a screeching mouse.

"Yes." another one regarded,

"He had taken her to be his wife. "

" And forcible bedded her." a roar of laughter came, mostly from the boys present in the group.

Their female counterparts sneer in dismay at the other's reaction. And the apparent figure who openly disapproves of this is Elie, the leader, a female herself.

Once again the wagon itself has filed with laughter, senseless chattering, and this time quite a lot of jumping. Which in the wagon current state could not handle.

"That's Enough-" Elie's shout was cut off by a soft but attractive voice.

"Enough." It says, in a certain firmness which one would stop if one would hear.

Timothy.

Timothy came in the parted drapes of the thin cloth. He fashioned himself to enter at the front side -where the horse and the couch man would be if this wagon is still in usage. He entered exactly by the place where Elie is standing, conducting this meeting. And by this time in had interrupted her talk more times than she can count. And she can count This is Harth- where counting is hailed more than reading and writing. Counting here means survival.

She stares at Timothy in disbelief, as the latter makes way, sitting next to her makeshift pedestal. Her audience stopped by the arrival of Timothy, quietly sitting down, as he made his way beside Elie.

" You can't just barge into someone like that," Elie said looking up, eyeing Timothy in a distasteful glare.

He had interrupted Elie many times before. He always did not listen when she asked him, and would not bother to announce the present to her. And would always barge in the middle of else's talk.

His voice always made her jump, and Elie is not pleased with that.

Despite having physic of a 19 or the age closer to that. Which Elie, had politely questioned him about his age. and got a reply of "Close to that." with a condescending tone.

Timothy is quite childish and lacks the manner of a proper in a coming adult must-have. Elie knows that they are nowhere close to a Nobel or are one themselves. But it is not an excuse for oneself to act not like one.

She was always taught not to talk back or cut someone off like that.

Barbaric is the only word she could describe him. Barbaric not in a context of looks but by his action. Timothy is quite handsome in looks for his warm eyes, and a kindred smiling face. He has a very dirty hair if Elie could comprehend, inward competing-winning to her sun-dried brunet locks. Elie's thought if he would keep clean enough would surely resemble the yellow color of that of corn.

For Timothy, eyes are another matter of warmth. Contrasting its actual vibrant blue color, which reminded Elie of the cool blue waves of Harth. Timothy is only one it these parts. He not like any adult she met. His nice, crude, and a little bit outspoken at times.

Elie constantly experienced being shout at. Which is a merchant village in itself, a manner which grown by the local for your voice to be heard, you have to shout. But he kept his voice level at all cost.

" Hahaha, The Maiden and The Lad. A rather old story. Told by different people and heard by different ears." he regarded them with his open smiling face.

The children listen intently to the voice of the young man. Who had the eyes of every person from the wagon and Elie herself?

"By that, had been interpreted differently by the people of themselves." He raised his hands in an open gesture.

"It may be a story of love by which the young maiden herself falls in, willingly to the man's soft graces," Timothy said putting little pressure in his tone.

" An act of heinous crime itself, having that maiden snacked away from her family, seemly of the young man." he paused " forcing himself on her despite not feeling the same way. "

"But the different versions tell the same story. The Maiden left her family to be with the young man whether it is voluntary or not. "

Silent grew awkwardly from the children.

It was Elie that spoke up.

"You mean, that her family could be lonely."," When left with him."

"Yes, her family is lonely.",

" It is the part where the songs have missed, Timothy said. " It lacks the chivalrous act, that one wants to be said in a song,

familial love is indeed rarely depicted for a song."

Especially the song, The maiden, and the lad

that focuses on telling a journey of maiden having left family volunteer or not, to be with a lad that lives in the secluded woods. It is a romantic song if Ellie could comprehend not a familial one. That is held only the thoughts about the maiden for the lad.

Another girl voice out.

" Do you -think they may come for the her-her family to come home."

Timothy smiled

"Possibly."

"Timothy." a voice shouted in the distancing. Timothy, it continued.

The kids went up and pried open the drop cloth to looked out the shouting man.

The man wearing clothes of high quality is relatively simple at first glance. But Upon closer inspection, it is the finely sewn laces, handcrafted meticulously to fit the wearers built. An aristocrat if Elie could comprehend.

It voices out Timothy's name with urgency, as his handsome features drip with sweat, straying hair frame his face possible for the fact that the man may have been looking for Timothy for a long time. Voicing out his voice without the intent of stopping.

" Hey, Timothy! Your man is calling you home." The wagon thunder with laughter yet again. Uncontainablehis time.

Timothy gave out a huge sigh and head out of the cabin.

Elie looked at Timothy's figure as he heads toward the man.

News of Timothy having got himself a Nobel is not new at all. Elie had perceived it at least, knowing Timothy and all.

He held himself different from the other young man she has seen here in Harth. Having held himself better than the women combined in this small fishing town.

One of the boys jumped up and down and said.

"Just when Timothy got to play with us."

" We can help it, you know that he rather busy."

"From running around and all."

"Why Timothy, why can you stay longer" a younger girl cried out.

"Shut it." Elie voice out with authority.

" One time -" the screeching voice spoke up and ignored Elie. "One time, my father got Timothy to help, moving out the fishes we just caught. Despite having worked hard the whole day without complaining. Three copper -my father gave him enough to last you three days of the meal. He gave it to me. All of it. Not a single one was taken. He says to kept it a secret between the both of us."

Woah. A loud appreciation poured out from the children. The discussion that they just held turned into an open forum, of Timothy's good deeds.

"I got one also, I was in the Forrest, there to picked up wood for the fire. When I lost my way, it was also beginning to darken - I'm mean. I was so scared thinking I was gonna die, there where he found me. And lead back to my home."

Another round of applause came.

Another spoke out.

" I was playing in the ditch when I fell and sprained my feet, and their right then Timothy appeared. He lends his back for me, offering a ride in his back. There he carried me back to where my brother was. He was so nice and smelled nice too!"

"Smell nice?" Elie questioned.

" Yes, I supposed like flowers" then the applause came.

Flowers. Elie never smelled one. And surely is the same for the children around her. She had seen one displayed in a glass container behind the counter of the store owner, meticulously guarded. It looks nice but expensive. Timothy must have gotten it from that man.

Elie has a story of her own of Timothy's heroic act. Which involves one of the pair of her which matched shoes.

Timothy is nice. But saying it often is not pleasing to her ears. The children got rowdier.

"That's right, Elie." the familiar voice said.

"Your mother is looking for". Timothy said peaking out his yellow head from the parted cloth.

"And don't worry, I will be back," he said addressing all the children in a wagon. And left.

The wagon was one again filed with cheers.

[independentartistbuzz]

Good Music, Good News 3.0

We continue to be touched and moved by the depth of sharing and Good News that is coming from the Cyber PR Music camp.  Nd we are not surprised.  Ariel and her team have sent us some of our favorite gems over the years. We are pleased to bring you part 3 of our 4 part series.

Please Follow the Spotify Playlist below to hear all of these amazing tracks.

[HERE]

Thanks to all of the artists who shared their music AND their good news.

Mara Measor | “Love Will Find You”

Is Now An Expectant Mother During A Global Pandemic

I had a miscarriage back in February, right before the pandemic hit. Then was able to get pregnant again a few months later! We had another scare at our first ultrasound and was flagged with a higher risk of our baby having chromosomal abnormalities, but upon further tests the concerns were cleared. And I'm finally getting used to the idea of having a baby boy next year. It's been such a roller coaster, but I'm riding it. :)

John Ellis on behalf of Val Starr & The Blues Rockets | “Whether Blues (2020)”

Experienced Loss, Family Members With COVID & Made Music To Heal

Our daughter-in-law came down with Covid and is still fighting it, and our granddaughter Ariella tested positive as well, but being eight years old, she didn't really exhibit any symptoms.  Lost a couple of friends to pneumonia and strokes, cancer in some other friends, car accidents wracked up a good friend, and then the election happened.  Life rolls on, faith in our Higher Power keeps us sane, and had a lot of time to work on recordings this year. Val Starr, my wife and bandmate, has written a great blues song that we'd like to share with you about all of us pulling it back together again.  Called "Whether Blues" , whether you're right, whether you're wrong, don't mean a thing till we get along"

Tabitha Chapman | “Celebrity Boyfriend”

Got A Publishing Deal

I am immensely grateful to God that despite the hardship, sorrows, pains and restrictions that typified the year 2020, I was able to release 3 singles, and I also got myself a publisher.

Valerie Romanoff | “Pink Skies over Still Water”

Created An Online Music Festival About Mindfulness & Meditation

Without the hustle of preparing and traveling for my live events with the Starlight Orchestra, I stayed home and developed a way to share the energy and messages in my Healing Music albums. I came up with an online show called "Groove Into Bliss: Musical Meditation & More" where my guests and I talked about the benefits of relaxing and releasing stress, the power of music to open the channels to well-being, and offered guided meditations.  We spoke of tips and tools for positive thinking, manifesting the life we desire, and the many ways we can use music to boost our joy! Through the online show I made many connections and was invited to be a guest on many high-vibe broadcasts and events, and I was invited to wrote a chapter in an upcoming book titled “The Wellness Universe Guide To Complete Self-Care: 25 Tools For Happiness.”

Apostrophe Music | “Keep the Hope Alive!”

Released Home-Recorded Music During The Pandemic

I released whilst we were in the heart of the lockdown during the month of April. As India went into a historic lockdown with over 1 Billion people being asked to stay indoors, the air of anxiousness and uncertainty brought out this song called Keep The Hope Alive! The only feeling we all had at that moment in time. 

I felt like it was a message that needed to get out there and once we recorded it out of my home studio (no access to studios because of the curfew lockdown situation) I posted the song on to Youtube and Facebook with a video and subsequently after that we did an official audio release in July. So this is the story about this song I released as the whole world went into lockdown.

Len Seligman

Turned The Tragedy of Losing His Mother Into Beautiful Songwriting

Like a lot of songwriters, I was moved to write a song about COVID-19. While neither my health nor economic situation suffered, the pandemic made it so that I could only visit my mother a couple of times in the last 6 months of her life, despite her living just 20 minutes away. She died in September at the age of 97.

When I looked inside to see what story I wanted to tell about the pandemic, I quickly knew that it would be about the beautiful ways people have shown up for one another. Yes, there's been enormous suffering, but it's also been extraordinary to see the tremendous upwelling of compassion that the suffering has brought out. That is what inspired this song.

Steve Andrews | “Where Does All The Plastic Go?”

Had A Successful Release That Led To Idea for Ocean Aid Concerts

My song “Where Does All The Plastic Go?” is getting included on playlists on Spotify, getting great reviews, and opening doors for me in unexpected places. This is wonderful because I'm thinking big and also came up with the idea for Ocean Aid Concerts to raise awareness of threats to the oceans. I am leading the way with songs on the subject of plastic pollution and my song could be included in any concerts that happen.

Richard Strange | “Christmas of Hope”

Used Hopeful Christmas Anthem To Fundraise for Charity

We (Musicians Together & Sweet Charity Choir) released Christmas of Hope, a single produced in aid of Help Musicians UK, last Friday December. We are donating the proceeds to Help Musicians UK, a charity that you may be aware of, specifically to their 3rd hardship fund. Some quotes from the charity's CEO, James Ainscough: “Music has been a unifying force that’s supported and entertained us all this year, more than ever before.” "But for tens of thousands of music creators across the UK the impact of lockdown and social distancing on their ability to earn, to create and to connect, has been disastrous for their finances and mental health.” "This 99-year-old charity has been in the privileged position of financially supporting over 21,000 musicians this year and we couldn’t have done it without the generous help of music lovers across the length and breadth of the country.”

Jody Whitesides | “A Perfect Man”

Created Deeper Relationships With Fans

I have been changing my approach to music this year. In doing so it increased the response I got from people on social media and via email. The most powerful thing was having a female fan tell me that the song “A Perfect Man” had brought her to tears. The reason, she could feel the love of the person singing to his counterpart and how he didn’t want to be put on a pedestal to fail the love of his life. Which is the main theme of the song. It was great to hear it hit home with a fan.

Andrea Kremer (The Aeon Wanderers) | “Don’t Say Anything”

Formed A Musical Duo via Facebook Groups

After 20 years promoting other people's music for a living, I partnered with a multi-instrumentalist/songwriter that I met in a Facebook music group, and we formed a musical duo called The Aeon Wanderers. My bandmate lives in Scotland and I live in Boston, so even before COVID-19, we were working remotely, collaborating on lyrics in a Google doc and doing videos "together" using green screens. We started by recording covers, but soon we were working on originals, and in August 2020 we released our debut album, "Fictional Histories." Being on the artist side of the equation rather than the marketing side has been eye-opening and fun!

Barbara J. | “Merry Christmas, Darling”

Has A Holiday Release Airing on World Indie Network Radio

My Christmas cover single, "Merry Christmas, Darling," has been selected to air on World Indie Network Radio's (WNIR) Holiday Spectacular Radio Special! This song, a holiday classic from The Carpenters, also serves as the pre-release to my Carpenters cover album, which I plan to release early next year.

Raphaela Gilla | “Michael’s Mantra”

Guided A Troubled Fan Through Meditation And Towards Healing

One of my fans wrote me a message that she was not feeling well and asked me if I could help her. I felt that the really needed help and gave my phone number immediately. In our conversation she told me that it was hard for her to breathe, and she felt a lot of fear. I could hear her breathing heavily.

I guided her into a meditation – I guided her to consider her breathing as an angel's feather. This opened her breath tracks to the earth and to the sky. I noticed how she slowly began to relax and began to breathe deeper. She cried out of relief, thanked me and asked me about my fee. I told her that this is a gift from me to her. It was a very touching moment.

We stayed in contact. Since then, she grows and feels better.

John Mueller | “I’m Doing Fine”

Brought Joy With His Latest Release

My fave moment of this challenging year was when a complete stranger wrote to me that they heard my new track "I'm doing fine" and how it was uplifting to them and brought some joy. I appreciated they took the time to notify me and to bring joy with my music is my ultimate goal. Getting this release out there and the entire album "You are Here" its included on during this year made a positive note for 2020.  

Nia Ocean | “This Christmas”

Channeled A Christmas Song To Help Us All Shine Our Inner Light

About two weeks ago, I saw an insta story from a dear friend of mine which literally “woke me up”! I got so inspired that the next day I had written a whole song, a Christmas song that is. The song is called “This Christmas'' and I made it really to remind us that WE make Christmas what it is.. our spirit, our love, our cheer, it’s OUR light that gives it all meaning. So even though 2020 has been a tough year, we can still choose how to end it. It’s easy to expect and allow for Christmas 2020 not be special because it will be so different due to quarantine, limited travel and lost loved ones, but this song is a ray of light in these times of darkness and difficulty, reminding us of what matters most and that we all have a light within us to shine and share with our ourselves , our dearest ones, and the world...especially this Holiday Season.

Stay tuned… There’s more Good News Coming!

[agwitow]

The Suitors

an excerpt from Dead Reasoning (specifically because @lottelorelei asked :) )

“von Florien. What an unpleasant surprise.”

Rebecca looked up to see Lothair von Erghot standing just inside the entrance to the private courtyard at the back of her family home. Like most inhabitants of Calandos, he was fair-haired with pale eyes and a bronze complexion. Though, with his height and broad shoulders, he likely had some Southern blood.

Unlike the other suitors who had sprung from the woodwork when the Council decided she needed to be married in order to inherit her family’s trade route, von Erghot was already a merchant and not another heir. He was also a fair bit older than her. She couldn’t help but wondering if he’d even known who she was before the Council’s verdict.

“von Erghot,” Ellis replied, nodding stiffly to the merchant.

Like his father, Ellis had the red hair and hazel eyes of the Islanders–though he’d not inherited their strong frame. Tall and lithe, he still looked petite next to Lothair. At least she knew why he was courting her. After his father’s failed attempt to marry her mother when they were both young, he’d pushed his son to court her in the hopes of, at last, joining their families.

Not that Rickard von Florien was any less rude to her or her mother.

“You may go. I’m sure you’ve bothered the young lady enough for one lifetime,” Lothair said, casting a distasteful look at the bouquet of flowers Ellis had brought.

His fist clenched and, if Rebecca hadn’t quickly placed a hand on his arm, he surely would have reached for his rapier. “nee Ancillio has not expressed such sentiments, and it is highly ill-mannered to put such words in her mouth,” he said, eyes flashing.

He shrugged, for all the world as if the implied insult didn’t bother him. “I am sure she is simply too… well-bred… to have mentioned.”

Rebecca didn’t miss his pause. The gossip and rumours surrounding her heritage were one of the reasons the Council had placed such an archaic condition on her inheritance. Lothair was the only suitor rude enough to allude to it. Because of course he was.

“You–”

She cut off Ellis with a gentle squeeze on his arm. “Perhaps it would be best if you returned at another time.”

He glanced at her, a mix of surprise and fear in his expression, but it melted away at the quick three squeezes she gave. He nodded and rose from the bench they had been sharing. “As my lady wishes.” He bowed to her then turned and stormed past Lothair without so much as a nod.

Lothair smiled with predatory delight. “Now that the riff-raff has left, allow me to present my lady with a token of my affection.

He crossed the courtyard and handed her an elegantly carved wooden box, barely the size of her palm. With each side portraying a different minuscule woodland scene, she had to admit it was the loveliest–and likely most expensive–gift any suitor had given to her. But something about the vicious delight in his expression said she wasn’t going to like what was inside.

Forcing a smile to her lips, she lifted the lid and promptly almost dropped the box. Inside, nestled in velvet, was a golden ring delicately crafted so it looked as if it were made of tiny leaves sweeping up to cradle a cloudy red gem. She’d never before seen such a stone and, even holding it up to the light, it remained dark.

“This is far too expensive a gift, von Erghot. I fear I cannot accept it,” she said, her smile shaky as she closed the box and held it out to him.

“It is only what is due to my wife.”

She laughed nervously. “Well… I am not your wife. Perhaps you should hold onto it until you have one.”

His smile tightened and eyes darkened, but his voice stayed honey soft. “It would please me greatly to see you wear it until the happy day you are my wife.”

“von Erghot–”

“Surely it would not be amiss to want to see you wear my gift, at least once?”

She bit her lip to keep from frowning while an inner voice panicked at his words. “I… I can make you no promise, and this ring… it… it’s just too much. I am sorry, von Erghot, but I cannot.”

Fury suffused his face for an instant before being replaced by the cooly confident expression that was his norm. “I understand. I am leaving in a few days, and had hoped to have a fiance at that time, but can wait a little longer.” He reached out and curled her fingers around the box, pressing just a little too hard so that the edges dug into her skin. “It would please me greatly for you to keep it. As a reminder of my offer. Perhaps try it on in the privacy of your rooms and think of what your life might be like at my side.”

“As you wish. Safe travels and quick success on your venture, von Erghot.”

He gave her a brusque nod before leaving.

The relief of being a merchant courted by merchants flooded her. When one, or both, members of a couple were often away on business, it could take years for a courtship to be settled. If she’d known in advance what the Council’s decision was, she would have arranged to be away herself. It was just her luck that she hadn’t been able to escape the city yet.

She knew she needed to escape before Lothair returned. He would expect an answer from her, and she knew in her bones that he wouldn’t accept ‘no.’

If you enjoyed this, you might be interested in my published work, which can be found at: Prairie Owl Publishing ♦ Amazon ♦ Kobo ♦ Chapters/Indigo ♦ Barnes & Noble ♦ Thriftbooks

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You can also support me by ‘buying me a coffee’

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 2

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 31: I went to Tesco’s at Hampton at @8pm. It was weird. But I made it less weird by buying (amongst all the legit stuff I needed and some stuff for Karen’s mum) more booze. I have, atm about 30 assorted cans and 60 assorted bottles. I’m gonna stop buying booze now until I’m down to the last dozen. I don’t want owt to happen and I leave many behind!

Day 32: More than a calender month! I was rung up by a recruitment agent today about a contract with DHL as a remote support engineer to their aviation section. €400 a day! I’ve applied. Few beers tonight, watching a new Netflix release (Extraction) and catching up with Fog, Ham, Andy and Rog later at 10:30pm - yikes, might be pissed.

Day 33: Typing this on day 34. Dossed around during the day, few beers and another video call with fog, Ham and Rig plus I invited John Monk along. He was his usual self and signed off from the call with a moonie! Later on I had the pleasure of Scottish Louise video calling me! She was pissed, in her shed drinking den at her home with some neighbour called Ronnie and her daughter Ellie. She was her usual outrageous self who imaprted such gems as “Tim, you look old” and “Roger on coke is the only time I’ve taken it up the arse”. Nice.

Day 34: Today I skyped Laurie and ‘met’ Matthew and Nicholas for the first time. It was bloody fantatsic. Janine was there as well.I cannot believe it takes lockdown (plus an idea to get Laurie to add me to his regular Monday skype chat with Dad) that managed to get us doing something that should have happened years ago! It was so great to talk to them all face-to-face. Janine hasn’t changed a bit, Matthew is very quiet with Nicholas being the more gregorious twin. And Laurie is still Laurie. I’m reminded of how much I sort of miss him! It was all so comfortable. I loved it! Tomorrow is Dad’s 85th hence the 3-way chat idea. I hope it comes off!

Day 35: So dad and Laurie and I skyped. It was OK but my video feed was very dark, (still dunno why) and Lauire’s kept freezing. I dropped out so as to leave them to it, my thinking being the extra person takes up bandwidth, with the promise I’d call dad later. Before I could, Rita called me and suggested Dad and I skype, which we did. So, all in all, a good day of comms! And Dad seems his happy usual self - 85 years old! Amazing.

Day 36: I am really struggling to motivate myself this week. Today, I’ve done fuck all of note. That is all.

Day 37: A similar day to yesterday. All I have really managed to do is lay down audio from Pink Floyd (Absolutely Curtains) to a video I shot of a cow on yesterday’s walk. I am having a downer of a week without any good reason why, ld aside. I have worn my new walking boots today (’cos my old ones are leaking, I found out yesterday) and they fucking hurt, despite having tried to wear them in for months, albeit pathetically. Also, a few days ago (Friday 24th April), I got notification from HM Revenue & Customs that I’m getting tax rebate (from 2018-19) of £392. Yay!

Day 38: I received notification today that I’ve got a speeding ticket…last Thursday back from Tesco’s - 87mph somewhere between the A1 and Elton. I am hoping it’s a fixed penalty. I dunno whether it is yet, I just have to send the form off confirming it’s my car and I was driving. I spoke with Lynda from Woodfords asking her to ask for a rent reduction before I sign for another year. Plus, I let her know that I will be Howard and Sue’s eyes as the look at rental properties in Oundle - I do hope they return although it would be a shame for them that their plans have been scuppered (she’s lost her job in Oz due to Covid-19)

Day 39: Today I started another piece of exercise - up and down the stairs 26 times. Not sure why 26 - it was some thing online to do with the London Marathon, I think. It fucking killed. I used 13 clothes pegs for a counting system. I asked Karen to pick up some stuff when she was shopping (burgers, radishes) - Dan dropped them off, He was with Shaggy (driving his van) and going to see Jonah. That pisses me off - they should be social distancing, ffs.

Discoevered, today, that Cornershop, post-Brinful are fucking excellent. listening to the album ‘England is a Garden’ as I type.

Day 40: That 26 times up and down the stairs is fucking hard. I did videos about it today. My legs are aching like fuck right now.

Day 41: Just done Young Sam’s (Sam Clews) quiz. 3rd week running and it’s now become a habit and something I look forward to. Out of all the internet driven socialising I’m undertaking in ld, this is the weirdest - I feel totally detatched from all others taking part but, now, would feel pissed off if I didn’t or couldn’t join in. I got 47/70 this week. My best score and only about 8 off the winning score  -  most others aren’t doing it on their own!

Today’s walk was a cloudy one - I captured some fine, dramatic pics of the clouds. I am getting into this photography lark, albeit very amateurish. But, when I post any pics online (mostly FB), they seem to be widely appreciated, which is nice.

Day 42: Applied for a remote service delivery job with a firm called TTEC. £60k. Finished watching The Outsider. The creepiest TV show I have seen in years. Really great use of background music.

Day 43: Finished Mindhunter S2 last night. It’s so good but I cannot quite put my finger on why. Today has been a nothing day apart from day 2 of me not typing the letter ‘e’ in any post or comments on FB for a week. It’s hard.

Day 44: Watch Anna last night. A Luc Besson film that starts a kick-ass suprermodel. It’s right down my street. Today I have been lazy af. I need to pick up my online learning again…tomorrow, maybe! I watched Andy Murray Resurfacing. A documentary on Amazon. Fantastic. What a top man he is. Completely human and completely inhuman!

Day 45: Much talk in the news of possible lockdown relaxation. I am off the opinion we should stay the course until we are completely assured of beathing this thing i.e. a working, widely available vaccine. Dad and I Skyped - he is doing well, as usual. So is Rita. They both seem very happy in lockdown! Today has been a glorious day, weather wise. I had my walkk at 10ish this morming and it was very warm. Hottest day of the year so far I reckon.

Day 46: Bank holiday Friday (75th anniversary of VE day). Nice walk. Chat with Karen letting her know about being caught speeding just in case I am banned and need some out of town shopping. Watched second episode of DEVS by Alex Garland. It’s good and intriguing. Now, @7pm, gonna eat and hit the beers and smokes.

Day 47: Typing this at 15:45 on day 48. I had lots of beers and a good old chat with Rog…

Day 48: Today’s daily press conference was eagerly anticipated today with rumours of a relaxation in lockdown. It seems it was a fuss about nothing with no clear instructions - I didn’t watch it but, skimming the BBC news site, I shan’t be doing anything different over the next few weeks, not that I would anyway - furlough and self isolation are the order of the day and I won’t change that until I am sure it’s safe. Meanwhile people, including Danny flaunt the rules, it’s been pointed out to me plus I know he spends time with Jonah and Marc. It really fucks me off. So, the actions of the few mean I will lock myself down for as long, if not longer, as it takes. Attended Sam Clews quiz again. It passes the time. Also, I had half a scotch bonnet chilli with tea tonight (roasted veg, cous cous and sausages). Ridiculously hot!

Day 49: Received the speaker I ordered a few days ago (from eBay). It’s an AudioPro Addon T10. I got it for a very reasonable price from a German shop. As a result, the power lead isn;t three pin and that has seriously fucked me right off!

Meanwhile, I did my 26 stair climb before my daily walk today. It was easier than usual (surprise surprise) and I did 7km - but that was tough! ‘Cos I am on (yet another) free trial of Amazon Prime, I am ramping up watching stuff available. Last night I watched Booksmart - really nice little film with a great soundtrack. I am listening to Dan the Automater as I type. Today I watched half (3 eps) of The Night Manager and the film ‘The Founder’. The former is a superb series, the latter an OK film about Ray Kroc - the supposed founder of McDonald’s. Except he wasn’t; he was the wrong side of ambitious and a cunt.

Day 50: Stripped the 2 pin cable from the speaker I received yesterday and wired up a 3 pin plug and it worked. Win. And it sounds great. Win-win. Went to go shopping in Hampton but the car wouldn’t start. Loss. But it was the battery so I managed to borrow Karen’s jump starter which worked. Win.

Spent £107. Loss. But just under £40 was booze plus £10 for two big pizzas, two sides (dirty fries) and some dips. Win. Didn’t do any online learning - seriously fucking letting myself down. Loss.

Did my usual walking and 26 stair climb. The latter is hard but defo getting easier. Win. Day 51: Sam’s 51st birthday on day 51 - coincidence! Today I received my face mask from Lou - House of Stewart tartan. I’m pleased with it and that I have got a mask now. I managed to get up at a reasonable hour, just left 09:00, and revisit my web design course. Module 1, lesson 5 and I am fucking stuck. Trying to code an online CV with a side nav bar and I cannot get it to fucking work. Grrrrrr. Later, i got into a FB dispute (easily distracted due to the above) with someone over his statement of fact (Tim Martin’s treatment of Whetherspoons’ employees) when he doesn’t know it’s fact. It probably is, but that is not the fucking point.  I wish I could leave these sort of spats alone. I am drinking, at 20:45, peppermint tea as I type. Jeez, what’s happened to me?

Day 52: Well, last night took a swift chnage. Rog message me and, to cut a long story short, I hit the beers, also called Foggy later, got trashed. I got up today at gone 1pm. Sam posted on fb that Paul had forgort her birthday yesterday. Oh dear! The 26 stair climb and walking each day is noticeable for how knackered my legs feel all the time, I noticed today!

Day 53: My birthday! Nice comments and banter of FB. Rachael brought round a bottle of whisky; gobsmacked. Karen popped round some beers and sausage rolls. Sam sent a card, as did dad with a £50 cheque. Dan’s ordering me a pizza later.

Chuffed! Day 54: I went to bed late after a lot of beers, huge pizza and chips, a few smokes and a long call with WWJ and video chats with Fog then Rog. Got up around 1pm and dossed with my usual exercises and I made fish pie with a scotch bonnet. Day 55: Late one last night but up early today (11ish). Really fretting about hospital tomorrow. Nervous anyway but the safety aspect, in terms of Covid-19, isn’t helping.

Day 56: Hospital appointment was just for an eye scan so the consultant can review it. I was very surprised to see how few people were wearing face masks! I did two lots of washing today. (After the hospital) I went to Morrsions, Asda (queue too long though), B&M (queue too long though) then Tesco’s. All to buy a baseball cap ‘cos I’m fucked if I’m going to wet my hair each time I go out and want it to look presentable! In Morrsions (no mens’ clothing apart from underwear!) I stocked up of 10 cans of sugarfree apple Caraboa….I was only thinking of this drink just the other day. Yesterday I finished The Night Manager on Amazon. I liked it a lot but, also, expected much, much more from it consdiering the hype. Hugh Laurie has come a long way from comedy sketches with Stephen Fry!

Day 57:Received an email from Sueanne yesterday asking ( as designated spokesperson for everyone) how I am. The most interestring piece of news in a rather uninformative email was that the US has started to open resorts!

Day 58: I am writing this on Day 59. I started a two walk a day regime. The first walk I do is shorter, around 4km. my aim is to be ready for 1,000,000 steps Diabetic UK challenge (throughout July, August and September). I need to do just under 11,000 steps a day. The relaxation in ld rules makes this achievable. On that score, I am allowed to visit a friend’s house, as long as it’s just the two of us, outside, 2m apart. I went round Karen’s last night. I was desperate to have a Happy Hour (I allow myself a midweek beer - today (well, yesterday) is/was Wednesday!) of sorts with another human (rather than a video chat). I was there for about 2 hours, very enjoyable, and then came home. Then I had usual roasted veg with rice and sausages but I couldn’t eat it. I used half a scotch bonnet rather than the usual birdeye chillis. It was too hot, had to sling it! Had a few more beers and, hence, neglected my diary duties!

Day 59: It’s 01:20am. I don’t know why I am still awake and up, but I am. But, also, I am now going to bed. Nothing else to report, really.

Day 60: Half way through 12 weeks furlough. I was discussing this with Dad and Rita earlier - I am expecting that, at the end of 12 weeks, I’ll be laid off. I hope I’m wrong but I reckon it’s well on the cards. Off to have a beer round Karen’s in a sec which will be pleasant. Just a hour or so. It’s fucking windy today so I shall wrap up!

[chaeryybomb]

FEBRUARY GG COMEBACK REVIEW

because there were so many girl group comebacks, I’m gonna do a review about them!

possibly might do this every month idk

I’ll review them on title song, album songs ( if they had an album comeback ), stage presence, outfits, music video, choreography and overall. ( I’m not gonna rate them by numbers )

GFRIEND: 回: LABYRINTH

TITLE SONG: Crossroads

personally, it took me a few listens before finally liking it. but it didn’t take that long before it hooked me on. it reminds me a lot of an anime opening. my favorite part is when the music stops and yuju sings the chorus, when i first heard that on their comeback stage, it gave me chills

MUSIC VIDEO

the music video was!! amazing!! i love how it gave a movie type of feeling. i’m still new to gfriend so... but overall, the music video is really nice and it made me feel things

CHOREOGRAPHY

gfriend is also known for their choreography, and they never disappoint. i really like the choreography and how it would sometimes split to a few members on the stage then all members.

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

i really really like the presence umji gave out during this era, something about her kept drawing my attention towards her every time I watched their stage.

i also really like their outfits this era, it’s so classy. i personally like yuju in long pants/pantsuits type of outfits. also, yerin’s highlights + beret is to die for.

ALBUM SONGS

the b-sides could all be title track worthy tbh. they’re vocals are all amazing.

my personal favorites are dreamcatche, from me and labyrinth

on a side note, I really like labyrinth’s choreography

OVERALL

overall, this comeback made me stan gfriend lmao, I really like their style of music. they also have a storyline which I’m trying to keep up?? what caught my eye during this comeback was definitely umji and eunha’s pink hair + high note in labyrinth.

EVERGLOW: Reminisce

TITLE SONG: DUN DUN

yiren’s “you’re so dun dun dun dun dun” part got me hooked immediately lmao, it’s just really catchy

i love love love love aisha and e:u raps, like yes rappers come through. aisha’s deep voice can k i l l

sihyeon’s beginning was definitely catchy. and I love the bridge part between her and onda

my only complain is that I wished onda could’ve gotten more lines ;-;

MUSIC VIDEO

the music video was really aesthetically pleasing, my favorite part was aisha’s part like damn girl. though I didn’t really like that face gem thing they had on yiren-

CHOREOGRAPHY

the choreography?? is just?? amazing?? i really like mia’s part of the choreography, the dance break and verses are 👌🏻

i also like the part where sihyeon sings after the dun dun, if that makes sense..

oh and I like the second chorus dance

and center onda is powerful

also I like the beginning where yiren would stomps her feet and says “everglow”

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

mia’s stage presence never disappoints, as usual. her face expressions are usually on point. but this era drew me towards e:u as well, her stage presence this era was definitely something

i love love love the black outfits ( the same ones they had in the beginning of the mv )

i also love how they gave onda outfits that stood out more, like for example the white outfits, onda was all in silver; or the red outfits where everyone wore red and black while onda was in a more different pattern

i didn’t mind that they re-used the outfits but in different colour, I thought it was way better than adios era where everyone wore the same outfits, at least this era the designs for everyone were different

ALBUM SONGS

my personal favorite is definitely “no lie”, I just wished they would promote it more than “salute”. but I felt blessed that they actually performed “no lie”, and the choreography was amazing.

yet onda and yiren really suited the “salute” concept

i personally think that the line distribution is lazy, for example “no lie” and “player”, mia is singing the chorus over and over again. it’s like the producer made her record the chorus part then just used it for the entire song and not ask a different member to record the 2nd chorus.

OVERALL

overall, I really like this comeback. my only complain is that I wish the line distribution was fairer. it’s unfair to all members, including mia. I hope that she isn’t feeling overworked because of having to sing so many lines while doing the dance break as well.

LOONA: #

TITLE SONG: So What

I really like this concept on LOONA!!! i know it might seem like what other groups are doing, but this type of concept really suits them

rapper heejin!!

chuu and jinsoul’s high note tho. but I could tell during the stages where chuu was struggling to hit the high note, I hope she’s not to hard on herself

my favorite part of the song is hyunjin’s tic tac toe part, yves’s shock shock and choerry’s part in the bridge

MUSIC VIDEO

the music video is just

UGH

aMAZING

I love vivi’s part with the spray can and kim lip’s part with the red outfit

the part in the subway too!!

CHOREOGRAPHY

when I first saw the choreography, I was s h o o k. seriously, they were all in sync, it’s amazing! I literally have no words on how to explain how much I love the choreography

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

let me just tell you, yves’s stage presence this era, can literally kill someone. literally. she slayed this era with that slick back hairstyle and piercing eyes.

literally loona’s stylist deserves a goddamn R A I S E.

almost every stage was a different outfit, for 12 members!! I can’t pick a favorite outfit because all of them were amazing!!

ALBUM SONGS

for the first time, I actually like the title song so much than the other album songs

but that doesn’t mean they’re great. but if I had to choose a b-side, it’ll probably be “ding ding dong”

OVERALL

overall, this comeback was definitely not disappointing and surprising. it was also definitely first win worthy. my only complain is, you guessed it, vivi’s lines. she had a total of 3 seconds! come on BBC! also, I hope that haseul is doing fine.

IZ*ONE: Bloom*IZ

TITLE SONG: FIESTA

gAH I MISSED THEM SO MUCH!!

I never liked the produce series because they gave so many kids false hope, but they groups they debuted were indeed talented and they don’t deserve all the backlash because mnet’s a snake.

but yes fiesta slaps. i’m so happy that sakura and minju are getting the lines they deserved. I really like eunbi part at the end and yuri’s bridge.

MUSIC VIDEO

the music video was definitely aesthetically pleasing to watch, especially eunbi’s angel scenes and chaeyeon’s solo scenes.

CHOREOGRAPHY

okay personally, i felt that the choreography was a bit plain for a 12 member group. i felt that “la vi en rose” and “violeta” had more diverse choreography than fiesta

but other than that, the choreography is nice and I like wonyoung’s part with the fingers and yena and eunbi’s pre-chorus parts

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

i hope the girls can perform on other stage platforms ;-;

chaewon has got my eye this era, maybe it’s because of her short hair but her presence is definitely there on stage

eunbi and chaeyeon’s stage presence never disappoints as usual

as for the outfits, I love how bright and colourful the outfits are, my personal favorite the pastel suits one

ALBUM SONGS

it’s my first time listening to an iz*one album. when I first listened to the album highlight medley, i thought i wouldn’t like it but boy was i wrong

first of all, i love how they all had sub-units so everyone had their chance to shine in the album

my personal favorites are “ayayaya”, “pink blusher” and “eyes”

OVERALL

overall, the comeback was great. i just wished that hyewon would’ve gotten more lines but I can definitely tell that all of them has improved tremendously. i hope that backlash won’t affect the girls and i hope that eunbi will get well soon.

DREAMCATCHER: Dystopia: The Tree Of Language

TITLE SONG: Scream

*inhales* I LOVE DREAMCATCHER

I immediately liked the song the moment I heard it. It reminded me of Stray Kids’s “Side Effects” due to to the heavy edm drop. I really like this type of style on them.

I love gahyeon’s and dami’s “devil, eyes, come” part and rap parts

MUSIC VIDEO

dreamcatcher’s music videos are always different, they always have an element of halloween in them and I love it

this era gives me a spooky witch vibe ( especially with “red sun” )

dreamcatcher’s music is definitely a breath of fresh air

CHOREOGRAPHY

I love love love love the “devil, eyes, come” part with the hand thingy

when they do this 🤘🏻

i really like it

I also like jiu’s parts and sua being the center will literally be the death of me

OH OH OH and gahyeon’s rap part with the masks!!

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

first of all, sua and yoohyeon’s stage presence is literally incredible

sua has definitely caught my eye during this era.

as for the outfits, dreamcatcher basically re-uses the outfits in different colours but I frankly don’t mind it so

i like their outfits when they perform “red sun”, it gives out spooky witchy vibes and I’m here for that

ALBUM SONGS

again, all of dreamcatcher’s songs can literally be a title track. i can’t choose a favorite

they’re all amazing and like I said, a breath of fresh air from other groups.

seriously, they’re really underrated

OVERALL

overall, i really like this comeback. and I love how they have a masked dancer in the place of handong ( who is currently filming for idol producer in China, I hope she’s doing fine with China’s current status ). I find the gesture really sweet. I also love siyeon’s solo, “paradise”. I hope she can perform it one day.

WEKI MEKI: DAZZLE DAZZLE

TITLE SONG: DAZZLE DAZZLE

the song is definitely catchy, especially the “dazzle dazzle dazzle me” part

i really like elly and suyeon’s part in the chorus

my favorite part is lua’s rap

MUSIC VIDEO

i think the music video was nice, i felt that smiley face cake was out of place

i wished that they kept the sparkly concept throughout the entire music video

CHOREOGRAPHY

the “dazzle dazzle me” part is honestly really fun to do lmao

i like the choreography for the chorus part

oh and yoojung and doyeon’s part tho-

STAGE PRESENCE / STAGE OUTFITS

elly has definitely owned this era

literally, she owns this era

and her bright blue hair help plays a part in it too

despite of having less lines, lua’s also radiates good stage presence

as for the outfits, i love the pastel colours that they’re going for

I really like elly’s blue hair, sei’s pink highlights, lucy’s blonde hair and rina’s short purple hair

OVERALL

overall, this comeback is really catchy, like it’s so easy for it to get stuck in your head. elly definitely slays this comeback, she’s literally shining. yoojung’s and lua’s rap parts are also a score. i just wished lua would’ve gotten a bit more lines.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

ROCKET PUNCH

I personally don’t really like “Bouncy” but the rest of their songs in their album is catchy. My favorite of the album is “Fireworks” and “Girl Friend”.

THE BOYZ

i literally stanned them during this era. like goddamn, sunwoo is wrecking me. i love sunwoo and eric’s rap parts. new’s vocals are out of this world, the boy is also tiny asf. also hyunjae’s blond hair?? juyeon has also caught my eye during this era.

BTS

okay ngl, i didn’t really like “black swan”, it’s not my cup of tea. “on” is definitely something. the part where they do the window wiping thing is weirdly satisfying to watch ( also someone pls edit jin’s window wiping laugh on it ). jungkook’s high note tho. also Jimin’s “oh na na” is really catchy. out from the album, my favorite is “we are bulletproof: the eternal” like damn, that made me sad.

ELRIS

so I don’t stan them but “jackpot” literally slaps. their rap line is literally so powerful?? especially the short hair girl ( Karin?? ) she raps and sings, damn that’s a double threat right there. the chorus really gets me ngl.