#I am ashamed but I don’t draw them much anymore

[persnickety-doodles]

Bite

[thebelladonnaofbuffoonery]

❀ BANDAGES ❀

i HATE reading angst but oh lord do i LOVE writing it -especially for dazai.

CONTENT: one shot, dazai x reader, 902 words, hurt-comfort, canon relevant self harm, insecurity about said sh, real men cry, slightly ooc

you’d never spent much time wondering what dazai looked like without his bandages. admittedly, earlier on in your acquaintanceship, you had thought about it but quickly felt ashamed at how intrigued you were about something so personal to him -about someone you barely knew.

though you didn’t “barely know” him anymore, your intrigue had not resurfaced, but a desire for him to understand that you still cared about him grew daily. he shied away from your touch if the bandages were loose, had anyone but you dress his wounds after a fight, ran you countless baths but always sat on the cold hard floor beside it… you were starting to worry he might never trust you enough to relax completely around you.

“dazai,” you asked softly, one day as you’re laying against his chest while he’s tracing your palm.

“hm?”

“you know you can trust me, right?”

he chuckled and nuzzled his face into your neck, “why, i trust you with my life, my darling! honestly, i’m offended you need reassurance.”

you smiled, a warmth growing in your chest, “it’s just, i want you to know… well i feel like you don’t, sometimes. not with everything.”

he sighed, his patterns on your skin slowing to a halt, “is this about my bandages?”

“well, yes, but i don’t want you to think i’m saying this because i need you to take them off in front of me–”

“no, i understand that,” he said, returning to drawing in your palm with his slender finger. “in truth, i am a horrid beast underneath it all, i might turn you to stone if you saw my true form.”

you huffed, but couldn’t fight the smile he brought to your face, “dazai.”

“no it’s true!” he insisted.

“nothing about you could be so horrid,” you reasoned.

“you’d be surprised.”

it fell into a comfortable silence once more between you before you finally suggested what you’d been yearning to ask for months.

“let’s have a shower.”

“...together?”

“yeah.”

“i didn’t know my mere presence turned you on that much.”

“not like that,” you clarified, rolling your eyes at his playful nature, “just… come on.”

and he let you. he let you get off of him and pull him to stand, your gentle force guiding him to the bathroom.

“you don’t have to do this, if you really don’t want to,” you said, meeting his eyes as you shily took off your shirt. they softened under your gaze. he brought his large hand to the back of your head and pushed your forehead to his lips.

“i must warn you,” he said, drawing back and beginning to unbutton his shirt, “i’m a ghastly looking bastard.”

you merely rolled your eyes and helped him finish unbuttoning, meeting him halfway and allowing the garment to fall away. his bandages ran from his palms all the way to his chest and up his neck, held together at various points by elastic clips.

you took a step back, allowing him to undress them himself, one by one placing the little metal hooks on the bench and loosening the bandages.

he met your eyes only once, a shaky glace before the white fabric began to slip away.

underneath it all was nothing you hadn’t already expected; various types of burns, cut scars and marred skin. the amount of damage littered across his skin did surprise you a little, knowing dazai as someone without a tolerance for pain.

“hideous i know. most are from a time where i cared little for my comfort,” he said softly. you didn’t know how to respond, what else could be said that was not either glaringly obvious or out of touch at best? instead, you just continued to undress, taking garment after garment which soon dazai followed with.

wordlessly, you turned on the water and gently pulled him in with you until your back was pressed against the tiles and you could see him, all of him, in front of you.

“you’re handsome, dazai,” you told him softly, letting go of one of his hands to push his dampening hair from his eyes.

“i know,” he said deflective with his charming smile.

“you’re handsome,” you repeated.

“i know,” he said again.

“all of you,” you said.

he looked down at you, watching your eyes rake over him and sighed. he leaned into your touch, arching to rest his head on top of yours as your hands made their way up his back, fingers gently dragging over his damp skin.

you turned your cheek to place delicate little kisses over whatever skin you could in your position, his chest, his collarbone, his neck… painting his skin in a layer of affection. his hands squeezed your shoulders tighter and his body shuddered as you continued to place kisses against him, until finally he relaxed under your touch, and his arms dropped to wrap around your waist, pulling you flush against him.

his body shuddered again and you realised, much to your dismay, he was crying. you tried to pull back but he just clung to you tighter. so instead of questioning it, you welcomed his hold, your hands continuing their motion across his back, running over his skin in soothing movements as he silently cried into you. the two of you stood in each other's arms for what felt like forever until dazai muttered in a deep, quiet voice,

“thank you.”

a/n: i was so worried this would turn saviour-complexy so i really hope it didn’t come off that way. i just tried to think about how i would respond if someone did what the reader did, hopefully that was sensitive enough.

[syndromealice-blog]

I already drew a New Year Snape Bahahah

But really, it was a hard year. I am sure I already have PTSD from bombing. I have a job at home tho! Real job and I don’t even need to go anywhere and physically abuse my ill body like I did in 2022 and in 2021.

I don’t draw like god or some kind of good artist, but still I hoped feedback for my arts would be somehow more active, but it’s okay, I have couple of very good friends, thanks to snapedom! I love y’all very much.

Also I hope you’ll remember guys, war is not gone yet. And Ukrainians fighting for existence. Sharing truthful information, not some shitty russian propaganda would be great from my English speaking audience. As much as donates to Ukrainian army, if you can, of course.

I eat so much medicine, it keeps me alive as much as mental as physical. I don’t wanna die anymore, I don’t believe I say that really, because year was tough. Not as tough as when I lived in Finland with my abusive mother and stepfather. Even under rocket attacks it’s better than with them lol.

If you read until that, yay, you are interested in my life I guess. I would like to have a small gift from you: reblog of my arts, really. If you have any other social medias, repost them with my name on it and with link to my Tumblr. I would be really grateful! I want people to like my art, it’s very important for me as an artist soul. I didn’t want to accept it openly, but it’s true and I am sure for the most of artists it’s also true. Nothing to be ashamed of! And you can support me financially if you can and want to on my kofi page🥹 https://ko-fi.com/syndromealice

I don’t know why tumblr didn’t let me just make an active link💀

[tearskillstardust]

AAA SORRY I forgot to specify the character for number 2 😭 but still tyyy!!! noww for the character I would like to write to would be uhh maybe Tighnari !! But if we can do multiple maybe tighnari and alhaitham (I could see us at least talk 😭maybe not ) I would also like to receive a letter from them if possible!! (Pls take care of urself cuz I think this is a lot 😭) also TYYYY for reading this and the request I asked for!! Have a good day and stay hydrated (don’t be like me my lips r so dry rn 😢)

2] ENCLOSED KISS ! ░ tighnari has a small message for you ...

Dear chioo,

I hope Liyue is treating you well. I cannot imagine how hot it must be there, especially during these summer months. Just to keep it safe, I have sent a list of some Liyuen herbs which help keep a lower body temperature, add it to your diet at least once and the results will be quite nice in keeping you in good health.

That aside, I would like to inform you that I have found what you and Cyno have been up to recently. That was, admittedly, quite a far-fetched and highly risky thing to do. I am very touched by the lovely thought behind your plans but it ended up being quite the headache for us forest rangers. While I don't mind it, others do, and you're more than aware that it bothers me when someone is badmouthing you.

For something so simple as being invited to the academia to be officially regarded with such a fancy title, a nice gift and a day spent in your company was enough for me. Why you would go out of your way to trouble yourself, even more so when you're not even in the nation is simply beyond me.

I don't see why you should take the trouble of doing something so much as building a cabin in the woods, with the help of a professional architect at that. I wanted to give Kaveh a scolding too, but he seemed so ashamed and guilty over the repeated mistake that I couldn't help but forgive him immediately. As for you, young lady/man, no interactions with Cyno anymore! You both simply lose your wits when around each other, and end up in trouble when I'm not around.

Nevertheless, Collei has informed me that Al Haitham has been maintaining correspondence with you regarding trade affairs in Liyue recently. While I care very little about who you deal with during work hours, as long as you're safe that is, Al Haitham does trouble my conscience a bit. I would suggest you keep an eye out for him. You can predict what someone who sticks to their ideals will do next, but what an emotionlessly logical person will do next is simply... unfathomable, and very shocking at best.

Ah, being with you two makes me feel like a part-time parent sometimes.

Collei is very happy about the small pair of earrings you had made for her before leaving and wears them just about every day now. She mentioned how silver was usually bad for her, and she rarely wore silver earrings, but the alloy quality of the material you used in yours is so excellent that the side effects are simply none at all. It makes me quite curious. Can we sit together one day and make a pair of matching pins for us, too? I'd love to see your technique, the craftsmanship is impeccable in your work.

I really ended up boasting about you in front of Collei and the look she gave me, that teasing look... you really make me lose control sometimes. Regardless, I am quite proud of you. Kaveh has been singing your praises about how nice, diplomatic yet artistic you are in your approach and mentioned how much he would love to have a chance to work with you again. He really looks forward to meeting you.

More than him, however, I look forward to seeing you as soon as possible. A blatant exaggeration but the chirping of the Blue Jay seems a bit quieter when you aren't around, and the absence of your lyre is beginning to eat me up entirely. Your scent has faded from the drawing room and there is very little I have to be reminded of you whenever I'm missing you. I send you my best wishes, so whatever business is keeping you finishes soon.

Cyno, Dehya and Kaveh are doing well. Collei has been suffering from a seasonal but is otherwise quite alright. Nilou and Candace look forward to speaking with you over tea. I would love to send you something, but I ended up giving you all the sweets and presents before you left so I don't have many options up my sleeve anymore.

I still want to send these chocolates, though. Dehya gave them to me, telling me that you had asked her for one of these packets when she had introduced them to you first. I look forward to having one of these with you, too.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Yours

Tighnari

[thatlovinfeelin]

Nicole's 1K Blurb Celebration!!!

To celebrate 1K I've decided to host a blurb night/weekend starting Friday night (the 21st) and running until Sunday (23rd)!!! To participate send in a prompt from the list below (Copied from a previous reblog don't hate me pls) and you want the blurb to be about and enjoy the party! You can also send in for the OC's I've created too, if you want to see more into their relationships.

I also want to take a second to thank each and every one of you for joining in my chaotic blog. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you and I never really know how to express my love for you all. SO MWAAAH KISSES FOR YOU ALL.

• fluff

“you look better in my clothes than i do.”

“i believe you.”

“is that my shirt?”

“can i play with your hair?”

“you can tell me anything.”

“isn’t the view beautiful?”

“my mother adores you.”

“they’re not you.”

“if you cry, i’ll cry ─ and that won’t be fun for anyone.”

“did you just kiss me?”

“i’ve dreamt about this.”

“is that a drawing of me?”

“i didn’t mean to say that but yeah, i love you.”

“of course i will.”

“wow, you’re photogenic.”

“i thought you'd never ask.”

“quick, kiss me!”

“you cancelled plans for me?”

“i’ve never seen anyone look so cute and ridiculous at the same time.”

“that is not what the instructions say.”

“you remembered?”

“stop looking at me like that!”

“has anyone told you that your eyes sparkle in the moonlight?”

“how mad would you be if i kissed you?”

“you’re hugging me too tight!”

“my lipgloss is all over your lips.”

“that’s the first time i’ve ever seen you smile.”

“you’re lucky you’re hot.”

“i didn’t know you could sing.”

“you weren’t supposed to hear that!”

“shut up before i kiss you.”

“you give me butterflies.”

“i can’t think around you.”

“i just wanted to make you laugh.”

“kiss me better.”

“why’d you stop?”

“you wrote me a song?”

“i’m not scared but if you are, you can hold my hand.”

“you ramble and it’s adorable.”

“are you blushing?”

“did i say that out loud?”

“hey, only i can call them that!”

“have you ever thought about how much worse our lives would be without each other?”

“i meant it when i said for better or for worse.”

“that’s the sixth time you’ve complimented me today.”

“nothing else matters except for you.”

“we could run away.”

“the world could be on fire and i’d still be happy as long as i'm with you.”

“they’re such an idiot. my idiot but still.”

“this isn’t adrenaline, i want to spend my life with you.”

• angst

“do you love them?”

“you’re not sorry.”

“how did you find out?”

“don’t lie to me.”

“am i not important to you anymore?”

“i didn’t realise i was such an inconvenience.”

“do you think about them when you look at me?”

“how many times am i supposed to forgive you?”

“don’t raise your fucking voice at me.”

“i trusted you.”

“are you ashamed of me?”

“it was open and i read it.”

“i can’t deal with you right now.”

“did you ever really love me?”

“i see the way you look at them.”

“if you can’t live without me, then die.”

“i don’t believe you.”

“all you had to do was stay.”

“i knew you were too good to be true.”

“i don't need help and i don’t need you either.”

“some things aren’t meant to be.”

“all my friends told me you’d break my heart.”

“we can’t afford to do this anymore.”

“you deserve better.”

“it’s not safe.”

“i wish i’d never met you.”

“i can’t look at you.”

“get out.”

“was it worth it?”

“how could you let them say that about me?”

“there’s just no pleasing you, is there?”

“why don’t you give a shit?”

“how many times are you going to look me in the eye and lie to me?”

“i can’t do this if you don't trust me.”

“find someone else then.”

“don’t touch me!”

“they were there. you weren’t.”

“i don’t want to spend another second with you!”

“is your image really more important than us?”

“you win.”

“this isn’t what i wanted to happen.”

“i’d take our relationship back in a heartbeat.”

“you two deserve each other.”

“can’t you listen for one second?”

“you’ll be happier without me.”

“if you loved me, you wouldn’t have done it.”

“don’t you try to explain yourself!”

“you can’t take back what you said.”

“i don’t see the same person i loved when i look at you anymore.”

“why didn’t you fight for us?”

[ben-the-hyena]

For the Hate Thing, 3 and 10?

3. Any fandoms that don’t appeal to you?

Whenever I look at HH, HB or Encanto content I become very angry even if obviously I don't bully people for what they like so I just move on, but I HATE these franchises so much seeing them getting love and seeing characters I find loathable be turned into cutie blorbos makes my blood boil. Also whenever I look from a distance at the TOH because it never interested me (andthemorepeoplepraiseittoberepresentativeasitssolequalitythelessIwanttowatchit) and SU and ML because I used to love them but they played with my feelings and went a way I really hated so I am bitter but torn with good memories. Also as much as I LOVE TDC and ATLA and do love fandom content from it I sadly am a bit cold towards their fandoms in general. TDC because is unfortunately became very toxic with the biggest number of bad personal meetings in a fandom I ever had with popular self victimizing whiners who preached to their cult followers how me and others were evil for disagreeing, and ATLA because I hate how most of its fans are super snobbish about their franchise they consider to be the best ever and are in denial about how ATLA is mostly good solely for its script writers whereas its 2 creators can't weite for shit and when they do like the comics and LoK it sucks ass but they still praise it because it has a pretty package and feel superior by comparing it with other franchise that have nothing to do with it except the title which is already an old pre-existing word

10. Any fandom you’re ashamed of being in?

HM/PM. OK SO I AM PLAYING WITH WORDS, IT IS NOT ABOUT HATE I JUST NEEDED TO VENT ONE THING ABOUT MYSELF. Ok so not ashamed per say, and not toward it, no no this fandom is very healthy for now, fun, funny, neither too popular nor too obscure, it has the uniqueness to have several lores/canons so you are allowed to make up your own picking elements from here and there, in short it's a haven for imagination to the point it was one of my first Tumblr fandoms and my very first followers was a HM related blog (thank you @asktheghosthost I never forgot you I just never fekt brave enough to start a conversation >.>). No, no I feel ashamed because of MYSELF in that fandom X'D As a post I reblogged yesterday rightfully pointed out, despite being about murders and suicide this fandom is very pure with hardly any swear, nsfw content and risky jokes. Yet EVERY SINCE I joined that fandom I have made steam headcanon posts, sex jokes and sus fanart with words that don't hold back (AND I CONSIDER DRAWING SHIPPY NSFW) as well as recently a very dark HC of the Phantom feeling incestuous lust for his own daughter. I act super differently from most of the fandom to the point I had been banned from the DA fanclub oncr for having posted a shitpost of Ezra pointing at a hole on my piece of paper saying "I made that hole with my dick" and got me back because I apologized and didn't know that would be forbidden XD No really I just have a risky sense of humor and am kind of a perv for almost every fandom I am in, and if ghosts even can still eat, drink, sleep and other stuff they absolutely don't need to do anymore just because they want to, why not fuck ? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND... As I had said, fans base themselves on different canons mixed in with their own ideas to make their fanons, so do I. But mine strays so far from several canon elements and other general ideas fans share that sometimes I feel like I am a fraud x') I HC stuff nobody HCs : Master Gracey is Emily's father, Constance is her aunt and never owned the Mansion, most of the characters died on the same night of 1877 after a curse from unknwon sources, I use names nobody uses... We are allowed to (like in all fandoms you can but here this one fandom IS made for that for how many lores it can hold) yet even if I have fun I sometimes feel ashamed when I see more "general lore friendly" fanons that essentially just changes a few thing from one canon and it makes me wonder if I truly love the Mansion for what it is then to their eyes then. Especially when I read remarks from the fanon wiki in the pages of my own comics that precise "once again Ben-the-hyena base herself on nothing". I know I may be reading too much into it, but it almost feels like other fans may think I "fanon it wrong" and I wonder if this is that side thoughr that had me contribute so little about this fandom these years

[tremblingwarsong]

listen- when i say mess, i mean i cannot keep myself from tearing pages out of my notebooks, because my handwriting is terrible. i cannot draw in them, because i didn’t learn how, and listen- everything always has to be perfect; because, you see, you don’t hold on to messy things/ugly things/dirty things- but i am all of them, doused in want; the ugliest thing of all. listen- when i say mess, i mean i want to be loved in messiest of ways, but i don’t know what that means, because all i’ve truly felt is longing. all i’ve done, is fall apart, in the most ungraceful way possible; time and time again. listen- when i say mess, i mean i want to tuck away all the little flying strands of my hair, straighten my shirt, and stand tall. i want to speak words of eloquence without pauses but my brain isn’t as fast as my mouth so inevitably, i’ll end up with the worst kind of words in my mouth, without a way to hold them in. listen- when i say mess, i mean my heart is too big for its own good, and my body cannot carry its weight on most days; is it too much to ask for a little help? am i only worthy of something if i put myself back together myself? listen- when i say mess, i mean i don’t want to be ashamed anymore; of who i am, or who i’ve been in the past anymore. i want to be unashamed of my want, or of all the love i carry; let me wear it on my chest like a badge, even if i breakdown every few minutes. let me hold the ugliness of my thoughts in the pages of my notebooks, without the urge to tear them out. let me be unafraid to draw; not everything has to be beautiful to exist, or to be loved- let that be me, for once. let that be. let me be. let it be- i’m tired of not being seen. listen- when i say mess, i’m talking about myself; but that isn’t a bad thing. 

[yersina]

Tbh I wanna ask the whole thing but to stick to the realm of reasonability may I ask 7, 10, 14, 23, and 29? And anything else you might want to answer if there's any. 🦭 [decompresses from the lack of pressure]

[weird questions for writers]

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Ohhh what an interesting question! I think what I love most abt writing—why I still write even if it only results in unfinished wips—is… hm how to put this… an execution of an idea? Putting my own spin on a concept? Bringing smth to life from my mind and onto a page? Like I just love thinking about things, and writing gives me a way to share that w other ppl or put it into words, and that’s what’s best about it!

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

LOL uh the first definition that comes to mind for a piece of writing ‘haunting’ me is in the ‘god why did I write this’ sense, in which case I’d probably say my fanfic from my hetalia days……. A full ten years ago at this point…… But I’m also an advocate for not being ashamed of your writing no matter how old or cringy it is bc we all had to start somewhere right? And it still brought me joy at one point even if it doesn’t anymore, so I wouldn’t exactly say that it really does haunt me per se haha

The other sense of ‘haunting’ is probably ‘I think abt it a lot’ in which case—my wips haunt me. OTL

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

I do! Not as much (read: at all) anymore bc my friends and I have all diverged in terms of preferences and also physical location, but in high school, sometimes I’d even give my kindle acct in order to share ebooks haha.

But I’ve also always been a library person, and my physical collection is exceedingly small. I also don’t tend to reread anything? So I only buy books if there’s a reason I’d want to display it and/or come back to it. And it’s hard to lend books if you don’t own them haha. I would lend them if I had any though!

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

So. Most often I’m on my bed (full size, cheap, IKEA) and on top of my blankets (cheap, Amazon). I do most of my work in bed and lying down lol and also on my phone bc if I waited until I had my computer I would get nothing done. It’s probably either late at night or very early in the morning (bc I am unfortunately both a night owl and an early bird—no sleep for me!), so the light is rather dim. I have several larger stuffed animals w me on my bed (one is ice bear from CN, one’s a weighted dragon plushie, and one’s a really loooong shiba-dog-thing that’s probably close to my height) that I can prop my head up on or squash beneath me, depending on my mood. I also have an extra pillow to put against the wall for if I do decide to do anything while sitting up (currently cuddling it as I write this). A lot of what I own is a shade of blue or green. There’s a string of white Christmas lights around the wall next to my bed bc I can’t stand the brightness of the overhead light. Currently there’s a half-finished quilt rolled up beside me.

Really tho I write anywhere inspiration strikes me. Once I wrote a decent chunk while sitting in my car in the parking lot of a homegoods lol

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

Hm… my inspiration probably comes most often from other people! I had a ton of fun with all the sctir prompts I got a while back :) A lot of my favorite ideas that I’ve executed comes from putting a spin on an existing trope or concept, or from seeing smth around tumblr or twitter and wanting to write my own version.

My inspiration well runs dry very often, actually. I’m a huge binge-writer—most of what you see from me is stuff that I wrote within a couple days, which is why most of my fics tend to be short. I’m definitely not one of those ‘write a little bit every day!!’ kind of people—that would never work for me, and kinda drains my soul. Trust me I’ve tried lol (case in point: I managed to do an entire nanowrimo a couple years ago (the whole 50k!) and never touched or looked at that fic ever again. Was a fantastic exercise, but just not the way I work). Usually if I have an active wip, I do try to go back to it every couple days, just to make sure I don’t forget about it entirely haha. If I’m not actively working on an idea, I try not to let it bother me too much; the waiting is as much a part of my writing process as the actual writing. I’m all for making it easier for yourself—fanfic writing is a hobby, not a job, and I’m here for my own enjoyment more than anything else. I want to lean into it most when I’m happiest, yknow? :)

Bonus question for fun: 11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

Yes absolutely!!! This isn’t to say that you should ruthlessly get rid of what you love most in your writing, but definitely don’t be too attached to every single word you write. The writing advice that I’ve found most helpful so far in my writing journey is: if you’re stuck in your writing, the problem isn’t with the current scene or paragraph, it’s what happened before. I’ve also had an English teacher suggest to us once that we should try rewriting something from memory to pare down to what’s most important (bc anything you don’t remember isn’t essential). I start over all the time if smth’s not working for me and I delete and go back if I get stuck. If I’m getting rid of smth that’s longer, I do try to keep it around or move it to a separate doc in case I need to use it later, or to try and incorporate into a different scene so that I’m not dropping it entirely, but I’ve found myself doing that less and less as I go. It’s annoying, maybe, but I don’t grieve haha

Kill your darlings, for sure 🔪

(ALSO the best part abt fanfiction is that even if a scene that you really love doesn’t work in the main sequence, you’re allowed to write spin offs and side stories and extra scenes as much as you want to lol. Like killing your darlings doesn’t have to mean you resign it to never seeing the light of day, maybe you just fake their death and move them to a different neighborhood skdnejcbjdd)

[captainfightingflower]

[Large Vent] I scream about how much i really hate The Jackbox Party Pack 10 so far and how it’s ruining my mental health against my will.

If you really really like how The Jackbox Party Pack 10 is looking, don’t read this: it’s going to ruin your mood. I really REALLY don’t like it, to the point i threw up when checking out their newest reveal, and it’s likely going to make you feel bad for enjoying it and that’s really not what i wanna do. It’s truly wonderful you can enjoy something that makes me sick, and my hate shouldn’t take away from your love and excitement for the pack. 

This also talks a bit about how it’s effecting me mentally, and just how bad it’s tearing me appart due to my lack of a reliable alternate hyperfix i can fall back on and sustain myself with. Read this vent at your own risk, it’s kinda just sad and angry and will likely make you feel sad and angry reading it.

The Jackbox Party Pack 10 doesn’t feel like a real pack in the slightest, it feels like someone’s fan concept that people are gaslighting into thinking it’s real.

They all look so bad, how did ANY of these concepts get approved?!? How the actual fuck is the OFFCIAL Jackbox Party Pack 10 feel more like an fan concept than my fucking fan concept?! THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING!!! 

My concept shouldn’t even be COMPAIRABLE to the official thing!! How the fuck does my passion project register more as an official pack than whatever shmuck Jackbox is puking out?!?

AND WHO’S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO REVEAL TWO GAMES BACK TO BACK?!?! DO THEY WANT TO KILL THEIR STAFF?!?!?! BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU KILL YOUR STAFF!!!!

How, how does Jackbox manage to get my expectations to absolute rock bottom and STILL DISAPPOINT ME?!  I expect nothing and i feel offended by how shit these are!! How do they make me physically ill when checking them? I threw up in my mouth when checking out their new toy!

I can’t fucking believe i predicted that The Jackbox Party Pack 10 was going to feel like rat poison to me...i’m terrified at what The Jackbox Party Pack 11 is gonna be to me

It’s to the point where the only way they could make it worse is if they pull another bait & switch and kick Word Spud fans in the shins again like they did for Drawful: Animate’s reveal. If they do that, then i’m going to lose all my respect for them as people, simple as that. Should be impossible since they already revealed their dogshit sequel, but i’ve been wrongfully right before.

Anyways, that’s all of the feelings i’ve been bottling up in regards to this horrendous disgrace to gaming that they’re trying to push. An actual fucking insult to anybody who likes their shit to have soul and don’t kiss Jackbox Games on their ballsack for everything they do (not that their is anything wrong with being a ballsack kisser, you do you as long as you aren’t actively hurting anyone because of your undying loyality).

It’s shit like this that makes me ashamed for being a Jackbox fan, i hate practically everything they do now, desperately scraping the bottom of the barrel for ANYTHING i enjoy about them because i am hungry for content and all i’m finding is rotten junk everyone else thinks is fine dining.

Is there just something wrong with me?! Do i actually like these games, or am i becoming the Jackbox Games pseudo equivalent to a Genwunner and i just can’t physically consume anything post Pack 7 anymore without having a massive problem with them as a whole?! This hyperfixation just feels like a ball and chain sometimes and my ankle feels so sore, i want to leave but i just can’t because hyperfixes aren’t an on & off switch i’m allowed to control.

I feel like that Deby downer that just ruins the fun for everyone. I want to love these game, i really do. But i just can’t, they make me sick to my stomach and i just...can’t consume them without crying or getting so angry. I feel like a miserable hag, i just want to love their packs again...i really really do and it’s tearing me appart internally to see everyone having fun and getting excited and i’m just unable to enjoy anything but unsustainable table scraps that leave me a sniffling mess at every nibble.

I gotta watch this company slowly kill itself and the only thing i can do is make memes complaining about my frustrations on Twitter. I’m just so tired....but i feel better with this all out there, i hope i can find a sustainable hyperfix to fall back on when Jackbox Games is failing me...i may depend on it.

[shipskicksandgiggles]

Okay but 17 of the highly specific aus is begging to be written with literally any pairing of scientists in the tower either tony or Peter

i see you. however, I hear your tony and peter and raise you: Peter and Bruce

also: it's a magic au. for full context, I recommend you read the first part of the series (which can be found here) for context, because there's a bit of a backstory here

prompt: "i can excuse unethical science but I draw the line at skirting lab safety. you cannot be eating rn" (from this list)

read Made Up Magic here on ao3

~~~

There was clearly such a thing as magic. Peter had a whole family history that harped on the importance of the practice. 

Still, the same way any organism can be broken down into DNA, magic can be broken down into formulas and equations. 

The first time he’d succeeded, he was sitting at his shitty desk in his tiny bedroom, working with stolen beakers and a computer he’d pulled out of a dumpster, and then fixed up. 

The threads were unlike any he’d ever seen before, a vibrant blue and red that cracked and sparked. 

His family’s magic was white. Weather magic. 

Peter was just a baby when his parents died. Plane crash. Not even trying to shield the plane from the storm had been able to save them. A stronger warlock was controlling the clouds, dead set on taking them down, no matter the fallout. 

Aunt May and Uncle Ben took him in after, and their magic was the same. When he was little, May would whip up rays of sunshine to keep him occupied. Then Ben died, and there was no more sun. There was nothing except grey clouds and a persistent drizzle over her head that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard Peter tried to cheer her up. 

A little over a year later, the day Peter turned 16, he would be grateful that Ben didn’t have to see this. That his parents missed how much of an embarrassment he turned out to be. 

Magic tended to present itself between one’s tenth and sixteenth birthday. When Peter’s didn’t present when he turned ten, Ben laughed it off and called him a late bloomer. He said it would come in eventually. 

But it never did. 

He wasn’t even sure if May noticed. She never looked at him anymore. The only reason he knew she was ashamed of him was because he overheard her on the phone. 

“His parents were such powerful mages,” she said. “Must have used up all the power before he was born.”

So he decided to break the magic down to its bare essentials and make it himself. It took months, but he finally emerged from his room with red and blue tangled around his hands, and ran to show May. 

“What the hell is that?” she asked. 

“Magic,” he told her breathlessly. 

“That doesn’t look like any kind of magic I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s because it’s not. I made it.”

“Made it? Peter, what kind of sick joke do you think this is? You don’t have magic. You never will have magic. Don’t you understand? You can’t wrap your hands in some science experiment and call it magic just because you’re a failure. You know what? If you’re so special, you can survive on your own. Get the hell out of my apartment.”

Peter stood there for a moment, letting her words sink in. “What?”

“Are you deaf now too? Pack your shit, Peter. I want you gone by tomorrow morning.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“Figure it out.”

Then she walked into her room and shut the door behind her, and Peter sank to his knees and cried. After a while, he got up and packed as much as he could into one suitcase and called Ned. 

“Hey, I wouldn’t ask if I had any other options, but can I stay with you for a while?”

~~~

He met Harley a year later after he learned what he could do with his magic. It crackled when there was danger near, and allowed him to apprehend any criminals he came across. 

No other mages could do that. 

It was how he came across Harley in the first place, catching a mugger in the act.  

Harley was a witch, having just arrived in New York and already tangling with the dangers of the city. 

His magic was real. He had healing magic. Silver strands that Peter saw first hand knitting a man’s stomach back together after he was stabbed. 

The same strands that he saw a week later reach into a car and fix a coding issue in the electronic control unit that a non-magic mechanic wouldn’t have been able to solve. 

Harley had real magic, and he still thought Peter’s made up magic was fascinating enough to bring home. 

Peter was hesitant at first, but after being introduced to his familiar and some of the other residents, he was glad he accepted the invitation. 

Tony Stark was basically housing a coven of mages, all with their own unique relationships with magic. Peter felt right at home among them. 

Plus he finally had a real lab where he could properly develop his magic. 

For the moment he was still staying with Ned, but he’d been working in the Tower almost a month, and Tony was wearing him down into staying full time. 

“Kid, look,” the familiar said one night, when it was just the two of them left in the lab. “We’re all mages. Witches, Warlocks, whathaveyou, this whole place runs on weird. You’re already fitting in perfectly. Just stay.”

He shook the thoughts out of his head and kept working. Access to a lab was seriously upgrading his magic. 

Now if only he could fine tune all that crackling and sparking so it had a more recognizable pattern. 

~~~

“I can excuse unethical science but I draw the line at skirting lab safety. You cannot be eating right now.”

Peter froze with a granola bar half sticking out of his mouth. “Hm?”

Bruce Banner, one of the Tower’s warlocks, stood on the other side of his work station. “Come on. They’re the lab rules. Spit.” He held a trash can out in front of Peter, and he complied. 

“Sorry, I guess I’m still getting used to not working in my own space. Also, my science is totally ethical.”

“I know, I’m just teasing you. And this is your space, but I get what you mean. Working out of your apartment is different from a real lab, right?”

“Yeah,” he whispered. His apartment, sure. 

“Make any progress on your magic?”

“I think so. I’ll field test it later, but if I got the code right, the sparks should get brighter the more dangerous the situation is. Or maybe the crackling will get louder. One of the two.”

“Maybe even both,” Bruce suggested. “You might want to put it away for tonight though, dinner’s about ready, and you’ve kind of been down here all day.”

“Really? Then I should probably get going. My friend will be worried if I don’t come home.”

“Peter,” Bruce said quietly, “I know this is all new for you, but please consider staying. At the very least, stay for tonight. It’s game night, and we might watch a movie too.”

“I really shouldn’t impose-”

“How many times do we have you tell you you’re not imposing? We have more than enough room for you, and I know there’s a certain someone here you’d like to spend more time around.”

Peter felt his face heat up. Whatever it was he had with Harley was still in its beginning stages, but he really thought there might be a future there. A future he didn’t want to jeopardize by being clingy. 

Before he could come up with an acceptable excuse, Bruce’s phone buzzed. “That was Natasha. Dinner’s ready, so come on upstairs.”

There wasn’t really an argument after that. Maybe he could stay, just for a little while. 

He shot off a text when they were in the elevator to tell Ned not to wait up. It was about time he found a place of his own anyways.

[onmywaytofanfic]

Kagenogure's truth 1?

I know I haven’t been posting as much as I should, and I know that I did not write or draw anything for Shino’s birthday. I do have an unfinished comic for his birthday but I am definitely ashamed to show it since not only is it unfinished, but it looks awful. Anyway… Here I wanted to share some scenes and headcannons about Kagenogure. mostly because I need to vent a little bit out of what I am looking forward in my village and I do think it would be good to actually get a hold of what the village is about and what is happening in that horrible village.

So here is a little scene in which Reina is trying ot get hold of her "new power" as a seed of the village. Of course, she doesn't fully understand what is she seen not that she has a new power. But, basically, seeds can connect with Chakra footprints, that are left in the village by their ancestors.

----

It was quite scary for a child of mere 8 years to face those specters. She felt her blood freezing at their eerie sight. She gulped her saliva and looked at them puzzled. “Why can I see you?” muttered, scared. The tall figure turned her back, her luscious and clean mane dancing with her, her eyes covered with violet silk and a lovely dress that let her bulky body shine. She was fair, tall and definitely out of this world. She let a big smile shine “I never imagined that you would come up with such a pretty, little one!” Reina stepped back and held her ragdoll, a mere communion of old clothes and two bottoms to make it look almost like a doll. She covered her face with it “I am not supposed to see…” The gentle figure bent over to have a better look at her, she felt coldness when she removed some of her hair to see her face “What are you doing here? These are the Aburame grounds only Aburames and our lord can enter?” she laughed and hugged her knees to see her better “ I do not think he would discover me” she laughed once more and twisted her head. Reina curiously touched her hair as an innocent childish act “It is soft” muttered “Is it?” said the lady “I try to keep it neat and clean” Reina touched her own, her father tried to comb it as good as he could, but without a proper comb it was hard. Having a shower was something that she was limited to three times per week and her hair only once per week. It wasn’t soft nor clean. She stepped back even more.

Her insect started to buzz feebly, almost warming her to step away. “What’s your name?” said the child “My name …? “ She smiled.” “Why can I see you?” Reina couldn’t see anymore, well, at least not properly, for her people have become weird black figures that danced around her, ever since the Uchiha seal was imposed upon her. Everything became foggy and made her dizzy, with the Hyuga seal. But her image was clear as water, clearer even than before she had the seals. The figure just laughed even harder. “Wait until I tell this to the rest” Reina got scared “Who are the rest? What are you doing? We have had enough problems!” she barked with angst. The figure laughed and disappeared among the foggy trees ``Wait!” Reina cried “I do not want to cause more problems…please…enough…” The little ladybug sat on the floor, she touched her aching ankles where the Nara sigil marked her. At least Shiori’s father, Sakumo, allowed her to wander around the Aburame’s ground. She wept and decided to lay there hugging her ragdoll. “I don’t want to cause more problems… Please… Papi has had enough… Please… Take me with you”

[chroniclingcate]

self harm: a theory

a brief disclaimer for this post:

obviously i will be talking about self harm extensively in this post. i focus on the reasons why people do it, why i think i feel the urge to do it, and i do not discuss methods. please don’t read on if you think this could be triggering or otherwise upsetting to you.

i will be talking about the urge to self harm. i will not discuss any self harm actions i have taken in the past. i don’t count days since i’ve self harmed anymore.

i’ve been thinking about self harm a lot lately. there are a lot of ways people justify it or explain it—self-punishment, catharsis, pleasure from pain, the adrenaline and endorphin rush. it’s certainly a strange impulse; i don’t know about others, but i have a hard time nailing down exactly why i feel the urge to do it. it’s not as simple as punishing myself. i don’t enjoy the pain. i like seeing the marks afterwards, but i don’t like other people to see them. but something still draws me to the action, both in moments of extreme pain and in times where things are mostly fine.

over the past few weeks, during my latest low (shoutout bipolar ii), i’ve had the urge to self harm a few times, particularly when i encounter a stressful event. i’ve been trying to suss out the pattern and figure out what exactly it is i’m seeking when i want to self harm. after a lot of thought, i might have come to an answer: i don’t know how else to respond to extreme stress.

i ruled out a lot of options in coming to this conclusion.

it doesn’t feel like an attempt to punish myself; i get the urge regardless of whether i’m upset with myself or some external force, and it’s not accompanied by any particular guilt.

as i said, i don’t like the pain; it’s my least favorite part of self harm.

i keep any marks hidden, and i get really upset when they’re exposed when they’re still new. once they’ve faded enough i can brush it off as an old scar, but when they’re obviously fairly new i get upset that other people know. in addition, i rarely tell people when i do it, so i think i can rule out the idea that it’s for attention, or some kind of cry for help.

i suppose maybe it is kind of a cry for help, but more in the way that i feel like i need to prove how bad my feelings are. i feel the need to externalize the pain to prove it’s really there and it really hurts. so, in other words, there are ways in which i’m not coping with some feelings, and my brain kind of doesn’t know what to do with them, so it transforms them into the urge to self harm.

maybe i’m wrong about this. i’m certainly not an expert (although i am trying to be an expert in my own symptoms).

if you’re reading this and wondering if i succumbed to the desire during this most recent low, you can rest assured that i didn’t act on it. it’s been a few months since i last acted on it; i will not discuss specifics.

going forward, however, i won’t talk about whether i’ve self harmed recently or not. i am not so much ashamed of having done it, but i think it’s my business, and i would rather not make it public. i had a really long streak of no self harm going at one point, and i posted about it on facebook. people were so kind and gracious and i really appreciated it, but it added a layer of guilt every time i thought about it. it also led to me “getting creative” so that i wouldn’t have to count certain actions, and then a lot of guilt and shame when i did start doing it again.

as i said before, i won’t be counting days anymore. i prefer it to be a more nebulous amount of time; otherwise, it just adds more guilt and rage if i do “fall off the wagon” again.

i know this probably wasn’t an easy read. if you’re someone who didn’t know this was the kind of thing i’ve been dealing with, sorry for the jumpscare. i don’t think self harm should be “normalized”, per se, but i think people should understand it better. i don’t blame people who can’t conceptualize why someone would want to harm their own body; in fact, i kind of envy you. but it’s important to be aware of, so that hopefully your own presuppositions and judgements won’t guide your reaction to information like that.

[shizukathefox]

Vent and rant - I deserve this and it’s easy to see how stupid I can be

I just feel like I need to vent to everyone, 'cause I feel like I'm awful as hell and I was hella violent like a criminal and a fugitive. I am NOT doing this for ranting in a very mean way, okay? I just feel the need to vent my feelings. Anyways, here comes the vent.

I hate my art right now, and nothing is going how I want it to. This sucks and everything's meaning is fading to me. People who are drawing my characters are getting markings wrong left and right, and it's actually making me cry. I don't know how specific I have to be with my references and I don't know why people keep getting my pride and joys wrong. Maybe I should stop getting you to draw my characters... I hate bringing it to light because I'm ashamed, but I have autism and ADHD and you have no idea how much it bothers me to see people draw my characters wrong. The smallest thing to you can bring me so much pain. I can't stand it when a detail is overlooked and it just isn't... my character anymore...

I feel horrible, I feel like crying, I feel like hurting something, I feel like screaming, I feel... almost numb, but I can feel enough to be able to feel every negative emotion and this writing doesn't even come close to representing how I feel because I'm horrible and everything I do sucks. Everything I try sucks. Everything I am sucks. I don't need advice on how to improve my art right now. I don't need that. I work so hard for my art and what do I get? Nothing. I get just absolutely nothing. I have worked... so hard... for so many years. For 12 years, I have worked non-stop on my behavior, and what do I get? I get no specific treatment, no real behavioral management, nothing. Nothing is what I have, and nothing is what I will always have. I'm so ugly, and I'm nothing but a nobody. You don't even know. You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been going through for so many years. I'm sick and tired of all this shit, and I just want everything to end for me.

I don't deserve this, I don't deserve all the pain I experience on a daily basis, but I do. I deserve every little bit of pain, suffering, hurt, remorse, judgment... all of it. I deserve all of it, and I shouldn't complain... I shouldn't, but it's so unbearable, and it's not fucking going away. None of it is going anywhere... It's like an old friend. It's been with me for years, and it's going to stick by me through thick and thin. Nothing can help me. Nothing can fix me. I'm so broken, nothing can hold me together forever. Few things, few people have a possibility, but... They'll all leave me in the end because who wants to be near a fucking ugly nobody like me? No one. They don't even know how mad I am at them and they don't even care at all, they just talk to me anyway. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW PISSED I AM AT THEM AND THEY DON'T CARE! I JUST HATE EVERYONE! I HATE YOU ALL! CAN I CRY NOW!? I'm so sorry, but I'm so pissed at them. They think I don't know about them, do they? OF COURSE I KNOW ABOUT YOU, YOU CRAPS! I HATE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW AND I'M STILL BEING AS KIND AS I GODDAMN CAN. AND GUESS WHAT? I HATE THEM SO DAMN MUCH AND I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I HATE THEM AND THEY JUST WON'T STOP GOING AT ME, WILL THEY? NO, THEY WON'T! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

My online best friends don't even care. They won't talk to me because I'm depressed. Only my dear followers will. My followers are now my best friends.

I think I'll start logging out, maybe. No, I won’t. Never mind. I deserve to cry.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Sometimes I’m sad I even have this tought,

But sometimes, it feels like I would be easier to love if I was still a child. And I get reminded by that every time. And it hurts.

I know that isn’t the case, and it just feels like even this tought and hurt about it is my own fault.

But I feel like growing up to be an adult, honestly expressing myself in all weird ways, makes me less loveable, less deserving of love.

Like I got rid of something everyone loved without having to think twice, and now there’s me, still parts of who I was - but mostly of who I am now trying to suppress.

And every time I try to mold myself into the person I used to be for people closest to me, and then I feel wrong when I’m not anymore. And that I just can’t get close to them. It feels like it’s all my fault.

Like I’m a bad person for having changed.

I’m sorry I grew up, even if I’m still a little childish lately. It makes me hate myself.

And not because I don’t like myself this way, but because I feel like I’d be so much easier to love if I was still a child.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to wear pink dresses anymore. I’m sorry, I wear black eyeliner and cut my hair short. I’m sorry, if I have so many piercings. I’m sorry, if I stick out my tongue and raise my middle finger when I’m angry. I’m sorry, I can’t keep all of my emotions to myself anymore. I’m sorry, if that ruins the mood. I’m sorry, if the art I make isn’t cute anymore - and rather weird, like I always tried to erase in my sketchbook already as a kid. I’m sorry, I paint my nails black, I know it’s not what people wanted.

I’m sorry I’m not straight, like I thought I needed to be to feel normal. I’m sorry, I’m skinny, and don’t have chubby cheeks like I had as a kid, and already hated then. I’m sorry, I don’t look like I’m soft, even if my personality still is. I’m sorry, I have so many scars I didn’t have as a kid. I’m sorry, I have so many thoughts, even if I always kept them from everyone as a kid.

I’m sorry, my friends are alternative or a bit strange like me. I’m sorry, if I take medication in order to not have those crazy moodswings. I’m sorry, I actually like to be this way, and like to be weird and expressive and paradoxical and confused and intense - even if I hate it at moments.

I’m sorry, I feel like I don’t feel comfortable to truly be and explore all of myself - even if I always feel like I’ll regret it later.

I’m just too afraid.

And I’m sorry, I seek validation so extremely much.

But truth is, I always loved black, and piercings, and also pink, and soft things. I always liked to draw weird, scary things and cute things as well. I always thought gay and lesbian couples looked more natural and normal to me. I always thought black nail polish was cool. And crazy hairstyles were amazing, even if I’m too afraid to screw up, so I just vary in length; not color (I always wanted it pink though). I loved vampires, and I’m just tired…

And all of the above, I didn’t ‘think’, I just felt. And knew. Something I rarely do lately, cause it’s easier to question myself than feel my real emotions.

Perhaps, my inner child should like me. Not assuming people like me better if I was like child-me again.

I’m still the same person. And change is necessary. To grow.

At least, change into an adult I am now.

Even if I feel weirdly guilty and ashamed of the way I turned out to be some times.

Perhaps I still am the way I was as a child already, now I can just express myself better because I always felt guilt and shame around other parts of me. Afraid they might not be accepted somehow.

So why am I so afraid of rejection?

Perhaps because I knew back then I’d be accepted anyways in some weird way, I guess I had an ill mindset then already.

And now I feel like I won’t. At least, sometimes.

Well, whatever. Who cares anyway.

So how do I actually accept myself and express myself, without feeling too much or undeserving if I don’t get constant validation or acceptance?

[gayliketheancients]

hiiii gay can i request pandalilly raising baby luna perhaps? just fluffy slice of life, maybe their typical weekend mornings <333

I GOTCHU. You made my whole day asking for this thank you sm

micro Pandalily raising Luna fic at 560 words❣️

————

Lily had long given up on sleeping in.

During the war, she felt like all she did was sleep most days. The exhaustion of being pregnant with Harry and never knowing where, when, or with who she’d be safe then had left her in a constant state of fatigue. There were days when even the idea of leaving the bed to go to the bathroom had felt like an insurmountable task.

The war had ended with Peter, and his quick thinking. He’d brought Voldemort to their home, but he hadn’t left them unprepared. Lily wasn’t ashamed in saying she was the one who unleashed the curse that ended the war that night. A muggleborn ending the war of blood supremacy hadn’t exactly gone over with a parade, but she couldn’t complain compared to how life had changed.

Mornings had gone from tense, quiet affairs waiting for the post to being filled with insane breakfasts and stories narrated in funny voices. The end and the beginning all came down to her, her family, and their refusal to give up at all costs.

Looking through the kitchen window at where Luna and Pandora were hunting in the back garden for nargels, Lily couldn’t find herself to regret it.

Their home wasn’t the largest, and it surely wasn’t how most wizarding families chose to decorate. Little drawings Luna and Harry had done hung everywhere on the largest wall of the sitting room, in full view for their guests when they had tea. There were books everywhere, a small cauldron of Wolfsbane being brewed for Remus, toys on every possible surface. There were no enchanted portraits, but there were pictures of their loved ones hung everywhere, filling their home with as much love as they could.

James would be dropping Harry off for her week soon, and Lily couldn’t wait. They had an outing planned to take the kids out to pick out a kneazel kitten, and everything felt right in the world finally.

Lily waved her wand, enchanting the tray of drinks to float out in front of her as she headed outside.

“Mama!” Luna yelled as soon as Lily crossed the threshold, running at her full force. Lily bent down just in time to grab the four year old launching herself into her arms.

“La Lune, baby, what are you and Mummy doing?” She asked with a smile.

Luna’s face scrunched up slightly on her nose. “It’s a secret.”

“Well, good for you, little love, that I am an excellent secret keeper.”

Luna let out a little laugh, then leaned in close to whisper in her ear.

“Mummy asked me to help pick out all the prettiest flowers so she could give them to you. But I can’t ‘cause you’re the prettiest flower! I don’t know what to do,” the little one whined, and Lily couldn’t help but grin.

“Maybe we can pick them out together? That way Mummy and I can both give each other flowers?”

Luna looked like she was thinking it over hard for a moment before nodding. She grabbed Lily’s hand and tried with all her tiny strength to pull her toward the butterfly bushes first, saying they were her favorite.

The early morning sun shone brightly on their little family that weekend, and Lily couldn’t even find herself missing wanting to sleep in anymore.

[fictionkinfessions]

Recently, after Gojo’s unboxing, I’ve been roped into watching JJK, which shouldn’t be a bad thing and isn’t necessarily, but in doing so, my brains started to do the things that it does. I’m well aware of what these things are and what they mean- the extensive bundle of memories, feelings, realizations, etc., that come along with them is certainly not foreign to me, as it isn’t with anyone here, but this time it’s… I don’t know. I don’t want to admit who I am to anyone, I don’t want them to know I’m me because I was… a terrible person, who just became worse and worse as time went on. I know there’s trauma, the progressive loss of my sanity, and a bit of being pushed into the direction I went to explain it, but that’s not enough to justify why I became like that. I’m repulsed by who I was after I lost my mind, ashamed of the man I was, the things I did and said.

Even now with a clear head and understanding of where my perspective was skewed, I can draw a clear pathway of what I was thinking, how I was logically and emotionally justifying and processing the things that happened to and around me to end up where I did. I know exactly how and why I became the way I did, and there’s nothing I can do to fix that now. I was evil. Maybe I’m still evil. I don’t know and it makes me terrified to admit to anyone that I am me. I don’t agree with anything that I did or said now, obviously- hell, me from the early years of canon wouldn’t have agreed with all of the vile things that spewed from my mouth (especially the things said while my corpse was being puppeted around), but they were still SAID. They still left my mouth. I still did those things.

And now I have no idea what to do.

Should I just ignore it, continue to play dumb and act like I have no idea what’s going on? Should I acknowledge it? Does it make me a bad person again? Did I deserve this second chance? Is there anyone left who misses me, or did I manage to tarnish my reputation bad enough and destroy any relationships I had then good enough to ensure no one would talk to me here? What the hell do I do? I’m not that person anymore- hell, I was barely that person to begin with, by the time I got around to being like that I had already lost my mind, but is that enough?

Sorry for the essay. I feels stupid, but there’s so much happening in my head and I just wish I could ask Gojo for his advice, but, well… Well. - Suguru Geto