#I've been struggling to articulate my thoughts and feelings with this specific thing I've been dealing with myself but also not wanting to >

[aptericia]

Not proud to be here.

--

Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

--

On a personal note, I remember being so excited when I started identifying as aromantic (and later asexual). Fitting myself into labels has been a lifelong struggle for me; to this day I still can't confidently say if I'm White or PoC, neurotypical or neurodivergent, abled or disabled, cisgender or not cisgender. I continue to struggle making friends because I don't fall into social cliques. To discover that I officially, certainly, was LGBTQ+ lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And now I'm just so sad to find that despite that, I'm still stuck in the middle. I didn't get rewarded with a community. I still feel alienated from both queer and non-queer people. I know it was silly to get my hopes up when there's such vast diversity in both groups, but it really was a disappointment. Going to my first Pride parade last year was really the moment where I realized this.

[adiraargent]

He tells you he loves you for the first time (JJK)

Summary: when the JJK men knew they were in love with you

wc:

Warnings: swearing

includes: Gojo, Choso, Geto, Toji

Satoru Gojo

The night was calm, a blanket of stars adorning the sky as you and your boyfriend Gojo Satoru sat at a secluded spot near the river, the sound of flowing water creating a soothing rhythm. It was a rare moment of peace amid the chaos of the Jujutsu world.

As you both gazed at the stars, Gojo's usually carefree demeanor was replaced by a contemplative silence. You turned to him, noticing the pensive expression on his face.

"Something on your mind, Toru?" you asked, concern lacing your words.

He tore his gaze away from the stars, his eyes meeting yours with a hint of vulnerability. "Yeah, actually. I've been thinking…"

Your heart skipped a beat at the rare seriousness in his tone. "About what?"

He hesitated for a moment, as if searching for the right words. "About us. You and me."

You furrowed your brows, a flicker of worry crossing your features. "Is everything okay?"

He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. "You know, there isn't a specific moment I can pinpoint. It's like… it's been a gradual thing."

Confusion clouded your expression as you tried to follow his train of thought.

"It's like every time I look at you," Gojo continued, his gaze unwavering, "I feel this… this warmth. It's like you bring a kind of peace into my chaotic life."

Your heart swelled at his words, a wave of emotions washing over you. You reached out, taking his hand in yours.

"Sometimes," he confessed, his voice softer, "I catch myself thinking about you all the damn time. I guess it's because… I care about you. A lot."

Your breath caught at the sincerity in his words, the vulnerability he was showing taking you by surprise.

"And then," he continued, his gaze intensifying, "there are these moments, insignificant yet significant at the same time, when I catch myself just… admiring you. Your dedication, your strength, your kindness… I admire it all."

The warmth in your chest spread like wildfire, and you couldn't help but smile at him, your eyes shimmering with unspoken feelings.

"It's like… I realised somewhere along the way," Gojo murmured, "that I'm in love with you."

Your heart felt like it was about to burst with joy, overwhelmed by the depth of his confession. You leaned in closer, cupping his face gently in your hands.

"Satoru," you whispered, your voice filled with tenderness, "I love you too. More than words can say."

"Good, now shut up and kiss me."

Choso Kamo

The afternoon sun filtered through the branches, casting playful patterns on the forest floor as you and Choso strolled hand in hand along a winding path. The air was filled with the chirping of birds and the rustle of leaves, a tranquil melody to accompany your quiet walk.

"Hey, love," Choso spoke softly, his tone tinged with a hint of nervousness.

You turned to him, a soft smile gracing your lips. "What's on your mind?"

He hesitated for a moment, his gaze wandering to the swaying trees before meeting your eyes with a warmth that mirrored the sunlight. "It's about us."

Your heart skipped a beat, curiosity dancing in your eyes. "Us?"

"Yeah," he began, his voice carrying a tenderness that resonated deeply. "I've been thinking a lot lately... about how things are between us."

Your hand tightened slightly around his, silently encouraging him to continue.

"You know," he said, his tone growing more earnest, "there's this feeling... when you're not around, it's like something's missing. Like a part of me is incomplete."

A soft blush tinted his cheeks as he struggled to articulate his emotions, his gaze never leaving yours.

"But when you're with me," Choso continued, his voice becoming more assured, "everything feels right. Your presence brings this sense of peace and warmth that I can't explain."

Your heart swelled with affection, touched by his words and the vulnerability in his demeanor.

"And I've realized," he confessed, his eyes shimmering with sincerity, "that I care about you more than I ever thought possible. It's... it's like I've fallen for you, deeply."

His vulnerability melted any doubts you might have had, and you couldn't help but beam at him, overwhelmed by the depth of his feelings.

"Choso," you murmured, your voice filled with tenderness, "I've felt the same way for a while now. You mean the world to me too."

With a gentle smile, he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, "I love you."

Suguru Geto

The sun dipped low in the sky, casting a warm golden hue over the park where you and Suguru Geto sat on a bench, enjoying a tranquil afternoon together. The air was filled with the soft murmur of leaves rustling in the breeze and the distant laughter of children playing nearby.

Suguru had been quiet for a while, his usual composed demeanor tinged with a hint of hesitation. You glanced at him, noticing the thoughtful expression on his face.

"Is everything alright, Suguru?" you asked, concern lacing your voice.

He turned to you, a gentle smile playing on his lips, though a faint nervousness flickered in his eyes. "There's something I've been wanting to say."

Your heart skipped a beat, curiosity piqued by his words. "What is it?"

He took a deep breath, his gaze softening as he met your eyes with a rare vulnerability. "I love you."

A rush of emotions surged through you, surprise mingled with joy at his unexpected confession. His words hung in the air, carrying a weight that filled the serene atmosphere of the park.

"Suguru…" You were momentarily speechless, overwhelmed by the sincerity in his voice.

"I've realised," he continued, his voice gentle but resolute, "that you've become an integral part of my life. Your presence brings a sense of calmness and understanding that I've never experienced before."

His vulnerability touched your heart, and you reached for his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I care about you deeply," Suguru admitted, his eyes never leaving yours. "I couldn't imagine my life without you."

Tears welled up in your eyes, moved by the depth of his emotions. "I feel the same way, Suguru. You mean everything to me."

As the sun painted the sky in hues of orange and pink, the world around you seemed to fade away, leaving only the warmth of your shared emotions. In that fleeting moment, Suguru's tender words lingered in the air, weaving a promise of enduring love and a future filled with shared moments of understanding and affection.

Toji Zenin

The evening sun painted streaks of amber across the sky as you lounged with Toji Zenin in your apartment. He reclined on the couch, exuding his typical nonchalant aura, a smirk playing on his lips.

"You've been unusually quiet," you remarked, breaking the comfortable silence.

Toji glanced at you, a small glint in his eyes. "Yeah, well, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

Your curiosity piqued, and you gave him an encouraging nod. "Go on."

He leaned back further, an air of confidence enveloping him. "I love you."

His words were unexpected, but they carried a hint of his trademark cockiness. You couldn't help but chuckle at his straightforwardness.

"Toji," you replied, amusement dancing in your eyes, "that's… surprisingly sentimental coming from you."

He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant but failing to hide the genuine sentiment behind his words. "Yeah, well, what can I say? You kinda grew on me."

A playful grin tugged at your lips. "I'm flattered, really."

He leaned in a bit closer, the smirk on his face softening into something more genuine. "You know, you're not so bad to have around. You make things… interesting."

You couldn't suppress a smile at his attempt to express himself. "Interesting, huh?"

"Yeah," he nodded, almost sheepishly, his bravado momentarily fading. "I mean, I don't really care about much, but you… you're different."

The sincerity in his eyes made your heart flutter. Despite his tough exterior, he was showing a rare glimpse of vulnerability.

"Well," you replied, a warmth filling your chest, "I think you're pretty alright yourself, Toji."

He leaned back, trying to regain his casual demeanor. "Don't get too used to the sappy stuff. It's a one-time thing."

You chuckled, knowing him too well. "Got it. Your reputation's safe with me."

As the evening settled in, the banter between you and Toji continued, the sentimentality of the moment swiftly replaced by his familiar cockiness. Yet, in that fleeting instance, you both knew that behind his tough facade, his casual "I love you" held a depth of emotion that made it all the more special.

[jemeryl]

As someone overwhelmed at the prospect of reparenting myself, where do I start?

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, I've been using social media very sporadically this year. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic to share that are based on my long and ongoing healing journey.

This is going to be a lot of information about something that's already overwhelming, so I've tried to include advice on how to deal with the overwhelm of it all.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. With that in mind, these are what i consider the main aspects:

Physical Reparenting (getting your needs met/asking for help)

Emotional Reparenting (understanding what you're going through)

Finding Other Kids to Play With (making healthy connections) (highlighted because it's the one most personal to me!)

1 - Physical Reparenting: getting your needs met/asking for help

I put this at the top because you need to stay alive in order to heal, and sometimes that's all you can manage. That means feeding yourself and your dependents, cleaning, doing laundry, UGH. Your parents didn't teach you how to do any of that, but other people can. And when you don't have the energy to ask, or you feel too ashamed, you have the internet!

A search engine can help you with even the most basic of topics. How do I brush my teeth? How do I do my laundry? How do I make friends?

Importantly, there is now lots of advice on how to do these things when you're struggling. For example: disposable paper plates and cups mean you don't have to do dishes. There are recipes you can learn so you can get a healthy meal with minimum effort.

I've found reddit great for this, eg: mom for a minute and cleaning tips. I've usually found that you can ask anything, even the most embarrassing thing, and people will either give you advice or direct you to where you can find out more.

You can't learn it all at once: focus on one thing at a time and find something that works. Once you've built the muscle memory for that one thing, you can focus on learning a new thing. That way, over time, you can build up your toolbox and turn your attention to other things. Such as...

2 - Emotional Reparenting: Understanding what you're going through

Often when we're abused or neglected, we lack the language to articulate or even understand what we went through, let alone heal from it. Once you understand what happened to you and why you act the way you do, you can start to figure out how to come back from it. This is where you learn to parent yourself emotionally.

There are lots of resources, so find one that resonates with you. Stick with it till you've got what you need from it, then move onto the next.

Here are some resources I've personally found helpful, based on what form of media you like to consume.

Books: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Podcast: Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury. This is aimed at parents of infants and toddlers, but I'm finding it extremely helpful in being compassionate to myself and others when feelings are running high.

YouTube: Heidi Priebe; The Crappy Childhood Fairy. These two make videos on attachment trauma and various things related to CPTSD. Also on specific issues that crop up in our relationships and daily lives. They also are great for recommending other resources that you might find helpful.

3 - Finding other kids to play with: Making healthy connections

Playing is super important, whatever age you are! So many of us were too busy parenting our parents, or we never had anyone to play with, or we only ever got bullied. It's an essential part of childhood development that we missed in some way. This is something I find distinct about reparenting and treating childhood trauma.

This is hardest part by far, imo, but a vital one. Going to therapy is a great step. Devouring content and learning how to meet your basic needs is essential. But I believe true healing can only take place by establishing and maintaining genuine connections with others. Playing is the perfect way to do that!

Connecting with people is easier said than done, so how the heck do you go about it, you may ask? Keep going, gentle reader, because I have got some tried and tested advice for you!

This is the long one, so skip to the bottom for the tldr.

Mental health support groups are great, but spending all your time talking about how miserable you are can get you stuck ruminating and make you feel even shittier. That's something to be mindful of.

I recommend joining a group activity, like a sport, band, or gaming club.

Ideally something you're passionate about, your hyperfixation, even if it feels cringe. A structured activity gets everyone motivated to meet up regularly (something that's very hard to do for the purpose of just hanging out); all the burden of making conversation is taken off because you can all focus on the task at hand; and you have to practice communicating with one another to make it work.

Connecting with people is scary, and you will make mistakes and get hurt. It's important to keep trying anyway.

You will run into people like you, who are suffering and trying to better themselves. They will act out because they can't help it. They'll flake, they'll ghost, they'll accuse you of being abusive because they can't tell if it's abuse, a genuine mistake, constructive criticism, what have you. They sometimes turn into abusers themselves because they're now in a situation where they can punch down and get away with it. That makes people feel powerful in a way they've never felt before, which is seductive.

You might do any and all of these things, but you can learn to fix your behaviour. You will find people who'll establish appropriate boundaries, support your growth, and you will emerge as a healthier, better person.

The key is to find a peer group that is committed to healing together.

This takes time and experimentation, but you are not alone. You will find people of all ages and walks of life who will walk this path with you. This is what all the resources and books are for: learning to identify how to make connections and build a community that's healthy and supportive. Where you will probably fuck up and hurt each other, but will fight to come back from it and fight to grow together. This is where you will build the healthy, enriching relationships you should've have from the very beginning.

You may need to sever unhealthy connections.

It's extremely painful and difficult to cut off a family member, partner, or friend who's bad for you, and this is a whole topic on its own. However, you can develop a sense of when to stay and when to leave, and even though it's hard and lonely, you will be able to find people who are better for you. That will make it easier to know who to commit to in the long run.

TLDR: Focus on the social thing that brings you the most joy.

It takes a few tries to find out what is the best thing for you. Once this is stable, then you can expand your horizons.

Personal example: For this entire year, my main social focus has been keeping my Dungeons & Dragons groups going. I have two games a week on average, so I get to DM and play. Now that that's stable, I can go back to other friendships, and stuff I neglected (such as social media). The people who are worth it are the people who would never hold it against me for going off the grid for awhile.

I hope this has been helpful!

[neonscandal]

Thanks for your posts and metas, @neonscandal .... Before I found your blog, actually I ship tododeku and kiribaku. But thanks to you, I became bakudeku shipper (until now). Your metas are amazing and always based on canon. Sorry, I'm not good with words, but I hope you know how great your blog is (you are definitely one of my favorite tumblr blog). 💐🌷

And WOW these last 10 - 15 chapter, really are the best. Even my mutuals who are anti-bkdk can't deny Bakugou and Midoriya's bond anymore. Also, love Uraraka and Toga's bond....

Do you think it's possible that at the end of BNHA, Bakugou and Midoriya have ambygous relationship (kinda like Tiger and Bunny)....? I know it could be hard to be canon in shounen series.....

P.s Do you think SatoSugu (from JJK) is queerbaiting?

⚠️ Vague spoiler warnings through chapter MHA 410 at best. Covers JJK S2 with a vague mention of a character who pops up later in the manga.

It's funny you say that because I also love a good tododeku or kiribaku situation. Like yea, people have their OTP but... realistically? Characters should be just as messy as people in real life. ✨ They're going to date around before things fit together with that OTP, right? At least that's how I look at it. So I love exploring offshoots.

You are far too kind in these rough times but I appreciate you saying that (and reaching out). The swarm of asks lately have been so funny. I tend to carve out time to address them quicker than some of the other things bouncing around my head (literally, the exact opposite happens with fic updates 🥺) so I'm just happy I'm writing something. If someone else enjoys it then that's the whipped cream and caramel on my sundae.

DUDE. I hadn't read 409 or 410 yet because holiday chaos but I feel like we're beyond allegations at this point haha ALTHOUGH, I didn't see the cliffhanger from 410 coming at all so I wonder what that means for the larger story.. Got any theories?

Regarding endgame... honestly the last two chapters gave me a little anxiety. "This is our tale?" Too good to be true. Especially when we know from chapter one "this is a story of how I became a great hero". Also, I've had some thoughts since 406 about how their connection is being framed up which I haven't had time to write but it feels like a lot of fanservice for Horikoshi (and subsequent editors, etc) to not commit. Additionally, in all the ways this story subverts the typical formula for shonen, it would also feel like a fumbled opportunity to turn everything on its nose with such a wildly popular series. So I'm holding out hope but conservatively preparing for one of them to just... not make it even if we get a confession *shudders in Supernatural flashbacks*.

I hope this makes sense as I struggled to recommend stories where this wasn't the case when asked about BL. In my opinion, good representation in mainstream stories (gender identity, orientation, race, religion, disability, etc.) is when, whatever makes a character different isn't their whole identity. Specifically in the context of more traditional stories (not centered on BL for instance), they should be involved if not just as integral to the plot as any other character wherein their diversity isn't sticking out like a sore thumb. But even that characterization requires nuance which is what makes it so hard to articulate? Maybe it's simpler to say that their character arc shouldn't just be based around identity. As a short answer to your question, I don't think that SatoSugu is queerbaiting. I think they are authentically and intrinsically coded to one another in subtext and out loud straight from Akutami but that, sometimes, relationships don't work out or love is unrequited. They may not have had the same feelings despite their inherent complement to one another and that's okay.

As above, characters should be just as messy as real people and that's what makes what didn't happen between them all the more tragic because it's heartbreaking in how relatable it is (not the cult leading and murder though). Seems like a convenient answer from a delulu shipper unless you take into consideration how Kirara Hoshi's identity is given the same level of subtlety. They aren't defined by their identity nor are the characters jarred by some particularly grandiose reveal nor are they perturbed by the nature of their connection to Hikari. I'm by no means an expert but I think that these characters are executed well in the sense that they have a complexity that doesn't hinge on what would otherwise make them different. They aren't "othered", it's just a fact of who they are and the story continues. It's a facet of who they are without cheaply being all they are. With Gege Akutami's own pronouns not expressly confirmed, perhaps that informs the care around those with differing identities.

I haven't seen Tiger & Bunny yet but now I know what to check out next!

[chynandri]

Why Ibara and Hajime Were Destined to be Partners in a Variety Show

This post will be a bit different from my other ones as I think I've let this one sit for far too long and I just want to release it from the prison that is my drafts!!!! So there won't be a lot of citation, this will be more of a very long ramble/rant! I think I'm finally ready to (try to) articulate my thoughts on how Ibara and Hajime share many parallels, similarities, or just how they compare and contrast as characters!!

As you may know I am a big fan of Ibahaji as a relationship so - I can't guarantee an unbiased view on all this. I'd also say I'm more of an Ibara scholar than a Hajime scholar, but I have a PhD in neither.

I'm just very fascinated by the 'why' behind Bogie Time. I think Akira is talented in drawing connections between all 49 idols. And the way Ibara and Hajime become unlikely friends is a particularly strongly written connection to me.

Let's begin with: Hajime and Ibara's similarities as described in Bogie Time

To understand how profound their friendship is, we must look at their relationship development in Bogie Time.

At the start, Hajime and Ibara could not be more dissimilar.

Ibara is aloof but capable, older, and his usual disingenuous self. Hajime is younger and believes himself to be a bumbling little guy who's in the way. He immediately defers to Ibara on all matters but doesn't know what to make of him. Ibara is laughably confused by Hajime too, because he's literally too genuine of a person - a quality Ibara is not used to, sadly. However, as Ibara does something called 'relating to others' he realizes Hajime is not so far removed from his own world.

In a nice bonding moment halfway through the story that makes a point of sharing their similarities, Ibara and Hajime relate on looking up too much to others and feeling below them.

This is an incredibly important conversation as Ibara who usually doesn't open up about his feelings, does miraculously share why he's been so upset about the show to Hajime. Here marks a great turning point... Hajime can deeply relate to Ibara's aversion to humiliation, having experienced something so crushing as having no audience for Ra*bits debut. This was a formative moment for Hajime. I believe here Hajime sees himself in Ibara... and wants to help.

Another major point of similarity that the story pushes is that Hajime has a cunning side, one that is actually supported by how much Hajime pays attentions to people's feelings and personalities to a point where he can be too dependent on their approval - which is the opposite problem of Ibara, interestingly enough, who forgets to consider people as living sources of information rather than just data and tools.

This is the lesson Nagisa wanted him to learn from Bogie Time. Ibara hones Hajime's cunning so they can advance in the show, as his specialty lies in how to use things and people to their fullest. They're very complementary!

To summarize: the two main similarities Bogie Time wants you to focus on is that Ibara and Hajime both struggle with thinking themselves as lesser than others and that they are intelligent and cunning.

But what if there's other similarities to be found between them beyond Bogie Time?

Now I'll talk about: my interpretation of Ibara and Hajime's other similarities.

These are some scattered thoughts and things I noticed.

Ibara and Hajime's experiences with poverty While they do not discuss this as a similarity, Ibara and Hajime do both come from backgrounds of poverty or being impoverished.

Specifically, Ibara literally had nothing to his name during his childhood and was even more deprived comparably speaking. Ibara often describes himself as someone who crawled from the bottom of society. Hajime's family is poor, so Hajime often takes up part time jobs on campus and makes very simple meals. Or even eats just breadcrusts or grass. The one major point of difference is that Ibara inherited Godfather’s legacy - but despite that he still had to rebuild these assets from the ground up and fend for himself.

I think they could relate on the topic of survival. Even though Ibara's survival is sadly a more severe case, they both have the attitude of making do with what they have. Basically, they both did not have it easy.

As was revealed in Private Room, Ibara learned DIY when he was in the orphanage because he had no other form of entertainment. He's used to fixing and making his own things.

I recently read some old stories where Hajime makes up his own game of sliding on the wet floors of the school when it rains, because his family is too poor to afford many toys he's quite good at making up games to entertain his siblings.

Considering this I was like.... ohhhh... I've connected some dots. You could even say if anyone could understand Hajime's desire to have a partner who would have simple meals with him - it'd be Ibara who has a lot of opinions on eating sparingly. Although his is more motivated on survival and not allowing weak points in a moment of vulnerability, which then morphed into efficiency.

This follows into... Ibara and Hajime's social status

They both suffered from bullying and discrimination toward them at a young age.

Hajime was bullied and excluded by his classmates for being too slow and useless to them. Hajime would struggle for a long time with the inferiority complex this experience gave him, which was only expounded by the failure of Ra*bits debut.

Ibara is an orphan who was implied to be considered equivalent to garbage by society. He is especially motivated by dominating people who used to laugh at him and thus is so afraid of being the target of mockery in Bogie Time.

I think Ibara is a special case where he weaponizes the way society has told him ‘he’s nothing’ over and over again by purposefully poking others and making them uncomfortable by his self-deprecating statements. While I recognize he’s not totally self loathing I feel like there’s a grain of truth to his self deprecation, and is almost challenging people like Anzu to affirm what he has always known anyway so he can continue to justify his cynical worldview that keeps him safe - but it’s definitely an obstacle to having a more growth oriented mindset.

Meanwhile Hajime does all he can to be likeable and gain approval as a good child, and is extremely apologetic for his shortcomings in early stories. Interestingly, Ibara also has this behaviour but on a surface level as he only does it to manipulate people to being useful for him. Although Hajime does have influence because of all the genuine good favour he’s gained from acting this way. In recent stories however, he’s grown more assertive…

Such as this exchange Hajime and Ibara have during a Dream Live because Hajime scolds him for being openly self deprecating to the audience. Again I think this is another moment where Hajime sees himself in Ibara, especially by how he tells him he’s his fan too. Hajime’s self esteem has gotten better because he’s motivated by his friends and fans too, so it just seems to echo that.

Ibara and Hajime's roles in their units

(Using this cg as this section's image because in Happy Spring Hajime is so excited about visiting a nearby town for the first time for a job, he makes a notebook full of research about that town... which they're only visiting for a day or so. It really represents Hajime's fastidious nature and love of information.)

Personally I think Ibara and Hajime are quite similar in being the sensible and practical members of their units, especially when it comes to finances and their meticulous nature in preparing things. They also tend to lose sight of what’s in front of them when they’re too in their own heads. One of Ibara’s biggest pitfalls is getting hasty when he thinks everything is going according to his schemes and victory is within reach. While Hajime can take his daydreams and ideals too seriously, for example getting upset at Mitsuru for not bringing flowers to Madara’s sister as he got too obsessed with his own idea of them being in love in Ra*bits climax.

I also believe they both possess a role of drawing people into their respective units - where Ibara utilizes fanservice in a more mature way, Hajime’s charisma is through his expertise in being cute. Both of these are to an extent personas they use on stage to attract attention.

Ibara and Hajime's gender presentation

This point is directly addressed in Bogie Time. I find it interesting that Ibara’s own feminine features were emphasized - it subverts expectations a bit as Hajime is usually put into the ‘girl’ role. But at the end, it’s Ibara who’s essentially experiencing what Hajime experiences all the time… being perceived as a girl.

Previously, Ibara portrayed the Red Queen in Wonder Game - a female character and the outfit itself has what I arguably consider feminine elements such as the silhouette and high heels. And last year, Ibara was in the bride-inspired White Swan outfit - and in a pose that I personally think can be read as typically feminine (a pose you’d see a female gacha character have perhaps.) So Ibara is no stranger to feminine roles.

I didn’t expect Akira to make this a point of similarity between them, but it’s interesting that he played with this concept and made Ibara cross dressing a focal point of the story and artwork.

I believe that Ibara and Hajime both embrace it, along with Ibara learning from Hajime to not be embarrassed in general and that feminine Ibara cards exist in the first place - and Hajime’s own personal journey as he goes from disliking being seen as a girl, to being ok with it and finding ways to use it as an idol.

Other personality traits

I believe Ibara and Hajime were similarly both troublemakers when they were very young. They also both grew out of this behaviour in response to their environment.

Ibara had a wish to make his life have been worth something and needed to pull himself together for his newfound inheritance. The strict and unforgiving military lifestyle he once hated and criticized became very useful in his role as a producer and businessman.

While Hajime became more well behaved for the sake of being a good older brother and not causing more trouble for his parents. However this may be one of the reasons he has a bit of a complex over people perceiving him as too perfect - which he mentions to Ibara in Bogie Time, and seems to want to indulge in being a 'bad kid' sometimes (thinking of his halloween voice line).

From all this I'd like to conclude that the great amount of connections one can make between Ibara and Hajime is why Akira and his team of writers probably conceived of Bogie Time which is about their relationship at its core. There's a lot to work with, and because I consider this story as a major turning point in Ibara's character arc - this is probably one of the big reasons why they chose Hajime to be the character to spur the needed profound change in Ibara. … besides that Hajime and Ibara were both moderately popular at the time and cute I guess! If you made it all the way here - wow, congrats and thank you for reading!

[glitterp0prhaps0dy]

oooo~ Barbie has a crush

Barb savored her pancakes, each bite filled with the sweet blend of orange and red sprinkles, and melty chocolate chips within. She enjoyed this delightful breakfast in the living room, her attention occasionally captured by a romance movie playing on the TV. The concept of romance sparked a curious wonder in her mind.

Next to her, her vibrant and eccentric best friend, Carol, was fast asleep, emitting soft snores. Glancing over, Barb's smile grew tender at the sight of her resting friend. Suddenly, she felt a warmth spreading across her cheeks. Was she blushing? Confused and slightly flustered, Barb quickly shook her head, trying to dispel the unexpected thought.

Barb's fingers nervously found her mouth, her nails a temporary distraction as she tried to make sense of her feelings. A bead of sweat trailed down her forehead. "This... this has been happening way too often... Oh, no," she silently panicked, her blush deepening despite her efforts to quell it. Overwhelmed and feeling unusually warm, she hurried upstairs, her pace quick and frantic. She burst through her bedroom door, rushed in, and slammed it shut behind her.

The sudden noise startled Floyd awake from a deep sleep. He groaned, irritation flashing across his face as he shot a glare in Barb's direction. But she was too caught up in her own turmoil to notice. Standing in front of the mirror, Barb was visibly stressed, her face flushed with heat. She tugged at her mohawk in a desperate attempt to distract herself from the tumult of emotions swirling inside her.

Floyd, meanwhile, could only watch in confusion, completely bewildered by the unexpected and intense display of distress from Barb.

Floyd exhaled deeply before addressing the obvious turmoil in the room. "You alright? You seem... uh... pretty stressed."

At his words, Barb slowly pivoted her head towards him, her eyes wide and bewildered, lips pressed into a tight line. Suddenly, the word burst from her like a dam breaking. "NO!" she yelled.

Launching into a passionate tirade, Barb paced back and forth, her words tumbling out in a frenzied rush. "I just... I don't get it, okay? My head's been all over the place lately, and I feel like I'm on this rollercoaster of emotions that just won't stop! Every little thing is making my heart race, and I've got this weird, jittery feeling in my stomach that won't go away. And the worst part? I don't even know why!"

She paused, taking a deep, ragged breath, her hands flailing expressively as she struggled to articulate her inner chaos. "It's like, I'm always hot and then cold, and sometimes I catch myself staring off into space, daydreaming, and then I snap out of it and feel all embarrassed and... and flustered. Flustered! Over what, right? It's ridiculous."

Barb halted her pacing, a look of genuine perplexity etched across her face. "And the weirdest part of all this? It's happening a lot... around... well, just, people. Specific people. And it's driving me insane because I can't make heads or tails of it. I've never felt this way before, and it's freaking me out!"

She threw her hands up in a gesture of defeat, her energy momentarily spent. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just all over the place, and I can't even pinpoint why. It's like I'm feeling things I've never felt, and it's scary, okay? It's really, really scary."

Floyd watched, a mix of concern and confusion on his face, as Barb's torrent of words finally dwindled to a halt, leaving a heavy silence in its wake.

Floyd, catching on to a thread in Barb's chaotic outpouring of emotions, probed gently, his voice soft yet curious, "What... kind of people?"

Barb, initially taken aback by the question, began to pace again, her agitation rekindled by the inquiry. "It's just, you know, people who are always around, making me feel all these things I can't explain. They're just... there, and every time they're near, my whole body reacts in ways I don't understand. My heart races, I get all sweaty and nervous, and I find myself wanting to be near them but also wanting to run away at the same time."

She waved her arms expressively, her frustration mounting. "And it's not just anyone, okay? It's these... individuals who have this way of looking at you, like they really see you, and it makes my stomach do flips. They're just so... so compelling in a way that I can't ignore, even if I try. And their laughter, oh, their laughter just resonates in a way that makes me want to hear it over and over again."

Barb stopped pacing, her expression one of bewildered revelation as she continued, her voice a notch quieter but no less intense. "And it's their strength, their kindness, the way they carry themselves with such confidence and yet have this incredible softness. It's... it's overwhelming. They make me feel safe but also so incredibly vulnerable at the same time."

She sighed deeply, a sense of resignation washing over her as she finally faced the heart of her turmoil. "And the thing is, it's not just any kind of people. It's... it's women. I'm feeling all of this... for women. And I don't know what to do with all these feelings. It's like I'm discovering a part of me I didn't even know existed, and it's terrifying but also... exhilarating?" Barb's voice trailed off, leaving her confession hanging in the air between them.

"This," Floyd began, a note of understanding in his voice, "explains some of the questions and reactions you've had." Barb looked puzzled, prompting him to continue. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

Floyd chuckled lightly, an edge of warmth in his tone. "Well, remember when you asked about my earring and what it meant about me? And not to mention, you asked about Riff and his handkerchief in his back pocket. Whenever these topics are brought up, you run away all embarrassed," he explained, gently prodding her to see the pattern in her actions.

"Your interest in others' sexuality might have been you subconsciously telling yourself something about yourself," he continued, his voice gentle, trying to guide her through her confusion without overwhelming her.

Barb paced a little, digesting Floyd's words. "But I... I didn't mean—I just thought I was being curious. You know, about everyone and everything," she stammered, her stress evident in the way she avoided his gaze.

Floyd nodded, understanding her turmoil. "Curiosity is normal, Barb. But sometimes, it's also a window into what we're trying to figure out about ourselves. It's okay to explore these feelings, to question them. It doesn't make you any less of you; it just means you're learning more about yourself."

"But what if I don't like what I find? What if it changes everything?" Barb's voice was thick with worry, her usual confidence replaced by vulnerability.

"It might change some things," Floyd admitted softly. "But the people who really matter, your true friends, won't love you any less. They might even love you more for being honest with yourself and with them. And as for liking what you find... you might be surprised. Discovering new parts of yourself can be scary, but it's also incredibly brave and beautiful."

Barb sighed, a tentative smile forming as she absorbed his words. "I just... I don't know where to start. I'm scared of getting it wrong, of how it changes how I see myself."

Floyd reached out, offering a reassuring smile. "You start where you are, with what you feel. There's no right or wrong way to be you. Just be honest with yourself, and take it one day at a time. And remember, you're not alone. You've got friends, you've got me, who'll stand barb let floyds words sink in, but she was still scared "But what if what I find isn't me, what if I believe it's me and then later on I realize it’s not," she asked

Floyd nodded, his expression understanding. "That's a part of the journey, Barb. Discovering who we are isn't a one-time thing; it's continuous, evolving as we grow and learn more about ourselves. It's okay to explore and even embrace different parts of yourself, only to realize later on that maybe they don't fit anymore. That doesn't mean you were wrong—it means you're growing."

He paused, ensuring Barb was following, then continued. "It's like trying on clothes. Sometimes, you think you love something, so you wear it for a while. But then, as time goes on, you might not feel the same about it. That doesn't invalidate the time you spent loving it or mean you were lying to yourself. It just means you've changed, and that's not only okay, it's normal."

Barb looked at him, her eyes reflecting the tumult of emotions inside her. "But change can be scary," she whispered.

"It can be," Floyd agreed. "But it can also be exciting. Discovering new things about yourself, what you like, what you don't, who you want to be—that's all part of living. And remember, no matter what you discover or how many times you change, you're still you. And you're not alone. You've got people who care about you, ready to support you through every step of this journey."

Hearing this, Barb felt a weight lift slightly from her shoulders. The path ahead might be uncertain, but knowing she had support made it less daunting. "Thanks, Floyd," she said, a small but genuine smile forming. "I guess figuring out who I am is just another adventure, huh?"

"Exactly," Floyd smiled back. "And it's one adventure you don't have to go on alone."

Barb glanced nervously towards the door, then peeked outside to ensure they were still alone, with Carol asleep downstairs. She then returned to the room, a hesitant confession on the tip of her tongue. "These feelings... they usually hit me when I'm around Carol—" she abruptly let slip.

"OH MY GOD!?!" Floyd couldn't contain his shock, almost shouting in his surprise. "OUT OF EVERYONE, WHY THE MANIAC!?!"

"I... I don't know," Barb admitted, her voice a mix of confusion and a hint of desperation.

[djservo]

not only did you beat me but i am horrifically late.. how embarrassing for me! however(!), i have finally made it to ask you the oh so important question: how much chocolate did you eat over the easter weekend? do you get a long weekend in the us? oh and i guess how did your march reading go? any spring time specific reads or other things you’re looking forward to?

FEELS GOOD TO WIN ONE!!!! 😪👏 tbh I'm not that big on sweets + easter treats especially seem like overload to me BUT I've been rationing a bag of cadbury mini eggs for the past week and it's been a delight in my day!!! pep in my step!! my work gave us friday off + IIRC they do the same in schools too? but I also took off thursday bc I was going to a wedding with friends so extra long weekend praise be 🏝️ oh yes and the reading part!!

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

I think I was halfway thru this during our last round-up and I already knew it was gonna be my fav Morrison thus far but Wowwwwwowow an already gripping story and then the final third just smacks ya outta nowhere and floors you!!! which is wild because I was already completely into it when things were unraveling in the way of slice of life / reckoning with family history and curses - such a fleshed out setting and cast of characters - but then it twists into this epic adventure at the very last second and it's just crazy how something already so layered can get even dizzier, and how complete it still feels! not overdone or rushed at all, just complete magic!!

Of Death. Minimal Odes by Hilda Hilst

there's just somethin about Hilda!!! perfect balance between bare bones simplicity + profundity to me - maybe it's striking because of how simple it is, or conversely reads as straightforward (a minimal ode if U will) because it's as if she's speaking truths that could only be articulated in a surreal way. WHO KNOWS !!! similar to my experience with With My Dog Eyes I was left with this certain ennui where it seemed like something didnt click immediately but then ofc I thought about specific lines for days and weeks after + craving more of her writing. a slow burn of affection! and the translation is so beautiful!! got me thinking about how a translator isn't ever Just translating, but also has to wear the hat of the author they're translating which is so beautifully layered to me + I have so much respect for it as an art itself

Girls to the Front by Sara Marcus

I was excited for this bc riot grrrl is interwoven in so many things/people I admire but it fell pretty flat. didn't care for Marcus's uneven prose throughout which felt peppered in as an afterthought + it was clear which topics/bands/figures Marcus favored in how much more attention + depth she gave them, which maybe is inevitable when you're personally connected to a subculture but I feel like if you're describing a book as "an epic, definitive history" of a movement, you shouldn't be so blatantly biased? it's also kinda funny in an ironic way how she condenses the experience of queer women and WOC feeling left out in a matter of like. 4 pages total. then goes back to essentially a Kathleen Hanna love fest (whomst I also love!!! but that's not what this book should've been!!) then again, I don't expect a white woman to sufficiently examine and/or encapsulate the intricacies of intersectionality so whatevz . flopperoni

Assata by Assata Shakur

I've had a copy of this for yearssss but I'm kinda glad I waited til now because it made me think so much of Leila Khaled's memoir at parts in their undying loyalty to the cause and unashamed criticism of the radical groups they longed to be apart of - in this case, the BPP and its gendered hierarchy - and it's just nice to be able to have this bridge between revolutionaries + revolutions, the embodiment of fighting the same struggle / no one being free until everyone's free. powerful and unflinching yet completely grounded and lucid in reflection - no detail felt out of place and no indictment felt gratuitous. completely demoralizing at parts (as if the american justice system could seem any more like a joke) and particularly bleak to see how relevant so much of this feels decades later (but also unsurprising when you think about america's enactment + sustaining of brutality as a well-oiled machine, the very core of its existence). just all around special and profound

for april I planned to read some short story collections but already I feel myself straying + craving something juicier so I may just let this be another wildcard month as far as ~theme goes like sorry but the heart wants what it wants and in this case it's bret easton ellis seediness!! happy spring!!!

[donnerpartyofone]

anon here who feels a great kindred spirit with you, maybe one day i'll have the guts to message not anonymously but frankly i really admire you and also struggle with the mortification of putting myself out there directly it may be one day but not today. ANYways. just saw your post re: the knee-jerk reaction of ppl to say something like "no! everyone is special (or beautiful/smart/talented/etc.) in their own way!" when you or i tries to acknowledge something that is real to us and that affects our day to day life. ive touched on stupidity before bcuz that is something that you've articulated better than i ever could but you were talking in that post a little more specifically abt physical beauty and i do think theres something to be said there for usamerican individualism. bcuz ive heard a lot that other countries/cultures find our particular brand of individualism to be weird to say the least. and i have, for most of my life (and this is true now), had a body that has been perceived as very desirable (eg. skinny, but still have tits and an ass, proportionally "good", etc.) but my face i have always known does not live up to beauty standards. bcuz of this, ppl closer have had a hard time understanding why i struggle so much with self esteem related to my looks and have often jumped to "but youre so pretty!" when i try to talk abt it. the outside of this is that i look like a child in the face and am often mistaken for a child even at 28. when i was an actual child, read: 18 and under, i received a LOT of attention from men, often men who were old enough to be my father. now that i am not a child that attention has waned, even though i've put on a little weight and my body is frankly more rocking than ever. BUT my face stays unchanged and i think i have so of an uncanny valley effect on ppl now. im bringing all this up bcuz this is another piece of kinship i feel with you: even before i started really paying attention to your posts discussing things, i really admired your selfies bcuz you and i actually look pretty similar, we have the same texture of hair and a similar face. but i have always felt that, from your pictures, you seem much more "in control" of your look than i do. i love your sense of style and i love how you do your brows so dark and dramatic but also seem to wear (as far as i can tell; im not much for makeup so correct me if im wrong) relatively little makeup otherwise. regardless of how you look, you project an image (as always, i know i can only know you parasocially so take this as much or as little as you want to) of someone who knows how they look and how they want to present themselves. i personally keep my head buzzed most of the time, and when i first started doing it, i did it bcuz it meant that no one had any excuse anymore. they had to look at my face and acknowledge my whole bare face with no distractions. it was a way of directing how i was perceived. now i dont know if thats what your brows are to you but ive always thought "wow, the dramatic brow is such a masterful use of makeup and direction". ive always seen the way you present yourself as seeming thoughtfully and well curated, and ive hoped for myself that i could someday present that way. as you can tell, i really admire you lol. hope im not being weird. im not really sure what my point is here but once again you articulated something well that i only have ruminated on abstractly.

i've also been thinking of you bcuz recently i ran up against the old "im too stupid to do this normal thing and now it may badly affect my life" situation: tried to put my tabs on my car and bcuz they were taped to the paper, they just broke into pieces on the tape when i tried to peel them away. so i just panicked and badly pieced them onto my license plate in a way im sure will seem infinitely more suspicious should a cop notice and decide to pull me over. my husband tells me tabs are supposed to do this as an anti theft measure, this is information i somehow missed in my 28 years of life and 12 years of being a legal driver. and if i get pulled over im not honestly sure i know where all my necessary paperwork is and will undoubtedly start shaking from anxiety which also looks suspicious when i try to hand a cop my id and my hand is shaking like a leaf. and i havent been pulled over yet but now every time i drive my car im going to be thinking abt it. god willing the distraction of fear of the unknown wont lead me to crashing my car but thatd be just the thing id do too. just wanted to share bcuz i think youre probably the only person who understands how it feels and bcuz hey, i want you to know youre not the only one out there muddling through life as a series of actions and unforeseen consequences, no matter how foreseen those consequences "shouldve been".

sorry for this long and rambling message. i have no two-ipas excuse this time as its morning here and im stone cold sober (the ipas were the voodoo juice ranger by the way) but you just make me think a lot, and again, i admire you very much. thanks as always and i hope that today is, if not easier on you, at least tolerable in terms of its challenges.

Dearest field correspondent, I wish I had a more thoughtful, interesting response to your kind message, but unfortunately you may receive instead le big rant. I am very low self-control lately and you're all going to have to pay for it! I'm thinking about my 85 year old father-in-law who is still razor sharp and full of energy, and so he is vividly aware of the nearness of death and very anxious about it. At his birthday dinner he started preaching to my husband and me about how you just have to live every minute you've been given to its fullest, and I often think about how he's right and he's wrong at the same time. Like it's patently correct that you should treasure whatever life you're allowed, but I think it would take a mental giant to really do that unless you're just basically a terrific person with few problems. If your personal chemistry makes you feel bad all the time due to circumstances or past trauma or plain old bad wiring, it's really hard to just consciously choose to feel good and be filled with gratitude and slurp all the delicious marrow out of your day. And what if your days don't have that much marrow to begin with? Of course if the Christmas ghosts came and snatched you up and confronted you with the preciousness of the life you are squandering, that you can still redeem if you try, that would change your tune, but it's hard to get that same kind of life-changing effect by just intellectually acknowledging the value of yourself and your time on earth.

(I'm gonna put a break here so I don't eat up everybody's dash, brb)

I was thinking about this, in a way, because somebody just asked me for a head shot for this project I'm on, so I was going through selfies to see if I had anything appropriate, and man was that depressing. Of course Tumblr was serving a jumble of new and old pictures, but some of them looked really good, even recent ones. And I know I wasn't enjoying myself at the time that I took them, any of them. I was just struggling to feel good about myself out of some perverse sense of obligation. I've always had the urge to express something with my appearance, to build up some kind of power and efficacy around what I could do with it, but I never felt anything like that happening. I mean for every selfie that was good enough to post, there are at least 100 I had to throw out that were ugly and embarrassing and more like "the real me". And I know just from living my life that I'm not attractive, my entire social experience does not reflect that of an attractive woman; even among the guys I dated, it's hard to weigh the two who actually liked me against the majority who were just indiscriminately looking for some pathetic specimen to torture and humiliate in order to feel good about themselves.

(And I guess this is TMI but who really cares, I'm sure no one is even reading this, but the irony is that I'm really great in bed. It's a fact. I just love sex and I'm not at all embarrassed about it and I have a knack for getting people comfortable really letting loose and getting to do what they truly want. I know this for sure not only from being in the room, but from detailed postscript testimonials from partners--even the ones who secretly hated me. And naturally that makes me feel pretty good, but it feels incomplete somehow, without the sense of control of my own appearance, without a satisfying relationship to my own body which disgusts me and is constantly causing me unmanageable problems both aesthetic and medical. Like I really want to just crumple it up and throw it in the trash, who fucking cares)

But I see some of those (highly staged, illusory, pain-in-the-ass to shoot) selfies and for a second I'm forced to wonder why that person had to feel so bad about and not have any fun at all, every single day. And now it's extra hard because as I might have said, I've had rosacea for around 15 years, and most of the time it was just a fairly manageable if embarrassing redness, but ever since I took the asthma medication Symbicort for a month this summer, the condition has been progressively deforming. I don't even look the same as I did this fall, and I have no reason to believe things will get better or even level out. Like, this is it. I feel like I don't even have the same skull shape as the girl in these cute pictures from September. I'm stressing myself out wondering about all kinds of procedures I can barely pay for, that could potentially make it worse actually. I'm wondering if I need to quit my public-facing volunteer gig, one of the only things that gives my life meaning, because I'm sick of how red and bloated and wet I look in every single livestream, and I don't like it when I'm occasionally accused of being drunk or I'm randomly told to "calm down" because I looked like I'm panicking even when I'm not. I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't care. But it's tough to look back at old pictures, even just from six months ago, and think Damn I didn't know how much worse things were about to get, I should have live-laugh-loved through every grueling moment of my luxurious mediocrity while I still had it to enjoy!

--On that note there's a certain curse of women who are like, not ugly enough for it to feel like a hopeless case, but who also don't actually have much potential to do anything satisfying with themselves. If you absolutely know that beauty isn't an open road for you, you can choose not to waste energy on that and you can focus on any number of other things that can make your life happy and meaningful; but if you have that nagging suspicion that maybe you COULD be finding exciting ways to express yourself through your looks, then you're dogged by this feeling of dissatisfaction and constantly wondering if it would be better if you just threw in the towel and called yourself ugly so you could stop thinking about it, or if that would be wasteful because maybe something nice would happen if you just made more of an effort, maybe there's still time, maybe you need the right haircut, maybe you need to shake up your wardrobe, maybe you need to learn that advanced hygiene routine that you always found too confusing to master, maybe you just need to get in shape, maybe et al ad nauseum. It would be better not to have to wonder about it all. And of course there's social pressure to maintain ambiguity, especially for women: You're supposed to work really hard to be hot, but you're supposed to act like it's all effortless and also like you have no idea how attractive you are. But you can't be unrealistically humble or people will hate you for that, too--they'll hate you for being dishonest, or they'll give you shit about your apparent self-esteem issues, because somehow that is always everybody's business. You can't win!

You're right that I don't wear much makeup, I really never learned; I never had a mom who was interested in me or the kinds of female friends who help you learn all the pageantry. I wore some makeup for a little while at the end of my 20s because I had to go to my fancy brother's wedding and I was embarrassed about looking raw and dowdy forever in his fancy wedding photos, so I forced myself to learn a few things. But basically I don't want to be bothered, and I enjoy the Joan Crawford brow I do, but that's utilitarian also--if I'm not paying attention I'll rip all the eyebrow hairs out of my face, which is extra embarrassing if it happens in the middle of a work day or something. So now the pencil is essential! And since my face started turning red I usually use some primer and foundation that I really like, although there is very little that keeps my head from looking like a big swollen clown nose, from now on. (All of my minimal supplies are from Make Up For Ever btw, expensive but long-lasting and reliable)

Unrelated but I'm really pissed off that I can't drink anymore, because now it brings on this violent painful flushing, and every time that happens it causes progressive destruction and like, basically every day is worse than the last--which is true anyway about aging, but it's escalated for me. But like, I have severe depression and anxiety and I can't be on any mood medications because they make my tinnitus intolerable, so the only thing I could reliably do for myself was have a little alcohol. Like just half a can of beer would get me through so many tough chores and bouts of mindless fear. And I love wine, I love amari, I love whiskeys, I love esoteric cocktail nonsense, I have a ton of friends from the craft beer world, and now basically there are entire art forms that I can't enjoy anymore, like ever again. And you can bet this is going to affect my relationships. I know people will want to say that's bullshit, quitting drinking is practically always a good thing and your "real friends" will stick with you sober...but that's all pretty hyperbolic. I don't want my life to be winnowed down to only the purest stuff. I don't want this cornerstone of my social and cultural life to be ripped out from under me. I never even developed any bad behaviors to deserve this! And god knows I don't want to have absolutely zero options for calming my nerves. Therapy and yoga and meditation have done nothing for me psychiatrically. I'm just fucked, really, in the dreariest most mundane way possible.

I wouldn't be so hung up on getting drunk and looking pretty if I had some other source of meaning, but it's hard to find that essential driving force when you can't even get through the day's chores like a normal person. I'm on like day 5 of trying to fold my clothes or even just shove them into bags, and I live in terror of the avalanche that is going to happen when one of us needs to get out the bed sheets that I "put away" dangerously in the closet, despite multiple attempts to do it right. I don't drive so you're ahead of me on some level! But I'm 100% positive I wouldn't have understood all that stuff about the tabs, haha. This week I'm seeing my GP and I'm going to ask for a psych referral for evaluations for autism and ADHD. I'm scared that I'm opening myself up to being officially diagnosed as just lazy and negative and then everyone will get to tell me I Told You So about how my only issue is my poor attitude, but I'm sure there's something going on with me, and if it's ADD and god forbid I can get a little medication of some kind that allows me to like wash dishes and do laundry like a normal person without making everything exponentially worse...then, you know, that would be a really big deal. It seems to me that a lot of people are depressed because of some unfulfilled dream they had of being really sexy and cool and talented, or some other superlative--and we usamericans do experience a lot of irrational cultural pressure to be Awesome at something, I'm not looking down on people who suffer from this--but all I want is to like, get on the bus successfully. To not humiliate myself every single time I go to ship a package because I just can't figure out what's going on, yet again. To not be having constant wardrobe malfunctions. To vacuum my house without just mysteriously pushing dirt and hair around into different configurations. To cook a nice simple meal I don't destroy. To have a job again. These are my most treasured fantasies. Maybe if we both put pressure on "the Universe" to "manifest" our dreams this year, then we can have a great 2024!

[resistanceisfeudal]

me in my feelings about trek fandom:

so, that star trek confessional blog that's been going around the last few days? and the mini discourse about possible rage-bait on it? and then the new rule that they won't post anything that feels like it's attacking a specific subgroup of fandom? That whole thing?

Cursed discourse. Rotted, rancid, stupid shit. And not even the top five worst discourses I've seen this week.

I actually kind of am mad at a lot of trek fandom and do have a lot of honest opinions that would read as an attack on people...

I guess the thing that has been rising to the top is this phenomenon where people who are clearly intelligent and thoughtful in terms of how they engage with stuff in general end up having bizarre blindspots when it comes to trek.

People who thoroughly acknowledge cultural biases and the ways in which opinons are shaped by bigotry when it comes to talking about how, say, Voyager was received at the time, will turn around and flatly deny the roles of racism, misogyny and transphobia in the reception of Discovery, insisting that "it's bad because grimdark" - which a) isn't even true and b) a cursory glance through the comments on a stream of a disco episode would prove that "grimdark" is not the thing that audiences are mad about. You might have a good faith criticism (which "grimdark" isn't because it's not accurate, but idk some other good faith criticism) but that's not why the show is less beloved than snw or picard s3.

Or people who constantly reblog posts about how episodic "filler episodes" are so great, and how they build the characters and make up the heart of the shows... and then talk about characters and their relationships in ways that only make sense if you cherry pick random disconnected moments from across seven years of television.

Or someone how can talk articulately about fandom culture, stanning, and conspiracy theories, and shows insight and cynicism into phenomena like those sherlock truthers... and then says that garashιr would have been canon if it weren't for ezri, or that it would've been canon if they'd got an eight season. Like, these are ridiculous opinions that basically rely on you not watching the actual show.

Ok technically the last two were just me bitching about a ship that's popular and therefore sometimes the fans can get obnoxious. I shouldn't complain about that... while we're here, I also find spιrk annoying at this point. This is silly, back to snw.

Fundamentally, a lot of snw's popularlity is the same as picard s3: it's nostalgia heavy and the leads are white men. Overall, taking the entire audience in mind, that is a significant part of what's going on.

Now, obviously, snw is a lot better than s3 of picard (which i will die mad about). It's not a bad show, but I do feel that s2 didn't really improve on s1 and perhaps felt weaker at times. I thought the musical episode was genuinely bad and struggle to even believe people when they say they liked it. To be clear: I love musicals, I love musical episodes, I hated this one.

It's shit like this, the insistance that it's amazing when, as a show, it's just fine, sometimes a little bad, mostly pretty good, occasionally very good - it's shit like this that makes people accuse fans of being inauthentic when they praise it. It's claims that snw is "saving nu trek", when no, no it hasn't. Discovery has been prematurely cancelled, Picard ended in disgrace, and Prodigy was cancelled, then rescued but its future past s2 is unclear. It didn't save anything.

It feels like the future of trek is going to be more naval gazing, more nostalgic pandering, more meta references and a distinct lack of new concepts... possibly even a lack of new characters at this rate.

I made this side blog to post about picard s2, because I genuinely had a lot of feelings and thoughts. I felt like, while there was some annoying shit and bad takes around, it was fun to participate and I was enjoying myself. For the last few months, really since snw s2 aired, I've been having a pretty bad time here. So much of it is petty shit that sounds bizarre to type out: small posts and variously tiny infuriating takes. This entire post is stupid and pointless, when I put it like that.

But, yeah, trek fandom has been making me pretty unhappy recently.

I'll still be here and will watch the new disco when it comes out, and hopefully feel something again. I want to be able to re-enter the headspace I was in back when S2 picard aired, and I felt free to just express my opinions without being hyper aware of everyone else's pre-conceived stuff. We all have loaded opinions and strange baggage with trek, it comes with the territory.

[knight-a3]

I can't say I expected Tech development in this week's episode of Bad Batch because he usually gets ignored, but I'm happy to see it. He's been the most interesting to me because of how reserved and detached he tends to be.

I don't really have anywhere I'm going with this, I just wanted to spit out some thoughts I've been having about Tech and what this episode has confirmed for me.

I've seen a lot of autistic headcanons for Tech. I don't necessarily disagree with all of them, but when it comes to character analysis, I don’t find it helpful to look at it from a lens of nuerodivergency or mental illness. Instead of increasing understanding of a character, it can lead to people inserting their own preconceived notions about said conditions (either due to stereotypes or personal experiences) and forgetting about the actual character. Or even being disappointed when he doesn't match that expectation of what autism "should" be. People are so eager to be represented that they treat the character as a stand-in for themselves, or a stand-in for the group they think he represents, when that does a disservice to the character and the narrative role that is played.

Whether or not Tech has autism is up to interpretation. Regardless, Tech does not represent autism; that's a broad range of characteristics, and it's not fair to expect him to represent all of that. He is simply himself and he has a few quirks. Autism-coded and autism representation are different things, and that's okay. Besides, I'm not sure how effective it is to imply that he got autism due to prenatal genetic manipulation specifically designed to give him advanced cognitive capabilities...

Some of the headcanons I've seen include Tech struggling to adapt to change, which is a common autistic trait. But it was something he has shown no indication of. If anything, everything he's done has shown the opposite. He's analytical and practical. He prioritizes the situation at hand and remains calm(life support is not affected, we're fine. He says as chaos surrounds them). He takes everything at face value and considers them with the resources at hand, so when complications arise, he's very quick to adapt to a change in plans. He takes in the new information and immediately recalibrates his worldview to accommodate. Facts are facts and reality is reality. He's like a Star Wars Vulcan, in a way. Very logical and practical.

Another headcanon I've seen is an aversion to touch, which Tech has never actually seemed particularly sensitive to. Not any more than the others, at least. He doesn't seem to struggle with any sensory overstimulation issues. If his ability to walk on a broken femur(something that should be completely debilitating) is any indication, I'd say he is unnaturally capable of ignoring sensory input.

Where he struggles is understanding emotions in decision making. Why they let pesky sentimentality get in the way of practicality. He can understand it in a theoretical sense, but it's not something he can really wrap his head around the same way he can with facts and numbers and information and probabilities. Emotions are nebulous and unreliable, so relying on them to make critical decisions is counterintuitive to him. He didn't riot race to save Cid because of any feelings of loyalty to her; he did it because Omega got them wrapped up in her debt problem too. If he didn't race, they would owe money they did not have and suffer the consequences as well. Practical problems.

He has feelings, yes, he just doesn't know how to factor them into solutions or articulate them. And, being the type to use the longest and most technical way to describe things, that's probably deeply frustrating to him. In 2.02, when asked if he was okay, his response was to list his physical condition rather than just say yes or no. (My left femur has been fractured by approximately 150 kilograms of pressure. So... no.) He needed to articulate his reasoning for saying no. He had to process it more like taking stock of his condition before determining whether he qualified as okay. He doesn't trust emotions to determine what is factually true.

He can't understand why Omega is upset about missing Echo, when how he shows he cares is by respecting that choice(understanding you doesn't mean I agree). Because wanting something different than what Echo chose seems counterintuitive to the goal of caring about Echo, in Tech's eyes. Particularly when Echo had logical desires and reasoning that Tech can comprehend.

Tech is focused on the practical problems. The squad is down some manpower, but they can manage. They lost their ship, but they can get another. By stating as much, he may have thought he was being reassuring. Why mourn a brother who isn't lost? What is a home beyond a place you reside? He doesn't understand what he said that was wrong, because factually he is right.

I'm not sure what conclusion I am trying to come to. I'm just feeling validated in my assessment of his character thanks to this episode. He takes change in stride, doesn't know how to articulate feelings, and focuses on solving practical problems.

[haejjoon]

Hi I agree with the mako discussion I have always been neutral to her and this whole discussion articulated why. I feel like there's a big disconnect between the story concepts for p5 and the writers. I.e Ann's themes Vs her treatment in writing

Also I'm a local oc X canon shipper who likes to rewrite stories to insert my oc & Ur fic & blog is giving me inspiration for what I can do because I only recently started p5r after watching rtgame play it so I haven't digested & criticised details in full yet so hearing Ur thoughts really helps articulate vague impressions I've had!!!

That being said, I'm interested what u think of Sumi Because. I low-key don't like her (I DONT HATE HER but I don't love her beyond "she's cute")

Anyway that's all!!!! I love Ur au bye bye ✨

- oc anon

aw. hey anon!! thanks so much for dropping by :)) im glad the discussion helped somewhat

oh boy...... sumi. where do i begin.

i'll be clear from the start: i love fanon sumi. i think shes adorable, i love seeing her in fics, fanart, etc etc. and for the longest time i couldn't figure out why i loved her sm in fandom and hated her in canon? and then i realized:

sumi's character... has no clear purpose.

(sojiro voice) let me explain

each of the phantom thieves have a recurring theme of finding or rediscovering identity.

ryuji with track + his old teammates

ann with her stance on modeling

yusuke with his purpose for creating art (oh boy i also have a lot to say about Him)

makoto with her burnt out but not quite burnt out gifted kid syndrome

futaba with her purpose for living at all (ouch)

and haru with how she wants to define herself without her father's influence.

the only (ONLY) exceptions to this is akechi and the protagonist. akiren is the catalyst to aiding the others discover identity, and akechi already has his purpose in life so ingrained he doesn't need to (or doesn't bother) trying to grow as a person.

now... sumi.

she's first introduced as the brilliant gymnast honor student. over time, it's clear that she struggles with meeting others' (and even her own) expectations for herself.

if we follow the same formula for the other thieves, this would be when she'd start questioning why she does gymnastics at all, or who she does gymnastics for. instead, she double downs on her supposed love for the sport, and only spirals deeper and deeper when simple "hard work" doesn't pay off.

obviously we know why. she thinks she's her dead sister. but thematically, it just clashes with all the rest of the characters already presented, because the player now has no idea where her character's going with this. she suffers from the same thing makoto's character does: tons of payoff, no clear resolution.

by the end of the faith confidant she declares that she'll now be doing gymnastics as sumire, and not kasumi. that doesn't change the expectations stacked upon her to succeed. sumi never says, "it's okay if i don't succeed, because i'm doing my best." she says, "i'm going to succeed as sumire yoshizawa and not kasumi yoshizawa, and everyone will see me shine in my own way."

and don't get me wrong. it's a lovely conclusion on its own and i'm proud of her for it, but narratively it came so out of left field. there was no set up for that specific drive to succeed As Herself, because the entire set up thus far was that she just couldn't succeed at all. this is why the entire confidant felt so stilted to me.

and the reason for such a strange ending note is because of the twist itself. no one expected her to actually be her dead older sister. suddenly, sumi is a completely different person, and you're just supposed to roll with it through her confidant. there's just no time within the confidant itself for the player to digest it.

moving on from that though i just fucking hate how she's marketed. her entire palette is a copy and cut paste from joker's. her outfit is somehow worse than ann's--i get it, leotard for her gymnastic skills, but look up gymnastic leotards when you get the chance. there's no plunging necklines like her costume shows. her coat (again, carbon copy from joker's) is cut in the back in a way that no matter What You Do or How You Look at her, all you see is a flash of ass and thigh. the first thing you see of her the MOMENT YOU OPEN THE GAME is a slow pan up starting from her exposed crotch, for fuck's sake. fuck you atlus, she's fifteen.

also????? she's supposedly a gymnast, but she?? uses a ribbon??????? in her all out attack and in her final performance at the end of her confidant rank? is this just a localization issue? ribbon dancing and gymnastics are two very different sports???? someone explain??

she also pops up in thr story at the most random times, because the writing team over our beloved atlus couldn't figure out how to shoehorn her in to make her relevant to the main plot. why does she get the app in the first place, having nothing to do with the thieves as a whole? why does she awaken to a persona at all in maruki's palace, when all she does is vehemently deny who she really is?

dont argue with me on this, but the reason why she awakens to her persona SPECIFICALLY AT THAT POINT IN THE STORY at all... is so atlus could shove her into the opening cutscene where she "saves" joker. so the players could get hyped seeing her supple fifteen year old Pan Up From Crotch in the first five minutes of the game. joker didn't need saving. fuck off

and if you're gonna follow the rules already set in the p5 universe: how come she can use her persona so effectively in the first place? haru couldn't, even though she awakened. sumi definitely shouldn't be able to, given the whole... denying who she really is situation.

and lastly there's just some aspects of how she's depicted that rly irk me, but those are absolutely just my personal feelings. nothing inherently wrong with them, just annoying to me specifically:

- her over the top polite nature that only hinders her, but she doesn't abandon it to set straight boundaries with those being rude to her because she can't meet their expectation. even makoto told the principal to leave her alone that one time.

- the way she's so clearly shoved towards joker as the Canon Choice like makoto was in vanilla. p4 does this with rise, too, but it's far more bearable because of just how over the top she is with it, at least for me. i had a problem with yukari in p3 for much of the same reason as sumi.

- the fact that her outfit doesn't change after she accepts herself as sumire. i understand that it'd be a lot of work, but narratively, wouldn't it make more sense for it to change? akechi got two outfits (both ugly but i digress) for the two facets in his true self. if her thief outfit is a manifestation of her doubling down on her identity as kasumi, why doesn't it change? why is her hair, a clear indication of who she is as a person, still in a ponytail despite everything??? is she taking on kasumi's confidence in the metaverse?? it just isn't clear.

- her fucking magical girl transformation in her original awakening. sorry. it just wasn't necessary. again this is totally just a me thing but WOW it pissed me off so much first time i watched it, because what purpose was there to include that other than to make the player go "oooooooo shiny girl pretty girl near costume ooooooooo".

i think thats most of it. as a personality i adore sumi. it's why i love seeing her in art and fics. but as a Character made to drive a story's plot, there's so many holes i'm surprised the ship is still chugging along.

obligatory "this is my opinion im not forcing it onto you if you wanna dispute it with me go righr ahead, i love character analysis threads" here. jesus fuck this was long.

love you anon. muah <3

[shiny-jr]

Hello! I love your work and the way you write yanderes. I was hoping to ask if you know any other writers that focus more on the horror aspect of them. I’ve been struggling to find some because all the yandere tags have mostly bland, romantic “I’lL dO aNyThInG fOr mY dArLiNg” types. If you choose to acknowledge my behest, I’d like you to know that I don’t have a specific request for fandom/oc writers and that any platform is alright. All I’d like to do is get to know the genre more thoroughly. Thank you for your attention.

Sent telepathically,

Articulate Anon.

Anon, I felt something when I read this ask. I feel your struggles when looking for interesting yandere works I like. I've mentioned this before, but I'm terribly picky. Mc is accepting of the yan? Gone. The fic includes stuff like nsfw stuff? Bye. There's no real reason for the yan to like the mc/character? Yeet. They say cringe lines and do stuff that makes no sense, especially if it's super out of character? Begone. Due to my pickiness, almost all of my recent likes are fanart pieces of various things I enjoy. Unfortunately, I don't think I can recommend a lot, but I can look through my likes for the written posts on yanderes that I've enjoyed recently.

Dreaming of you AU! by cupids-chamber. Twst. I've only read like one part of this, and there are multiple parts split up by dorms, but it seems interesting so far. I read the Diasomnia one, and I enjoyed how each character in that post had a different reaction and approach to mc appearing in their dreams and eventually appearing to them in their reality. I should probably read the other parts though.

Works by ddarker-dreams. I believe they mostly write for genshin, but also occasionally write for other series. I've read multiple of their posts, not all of them but many of them. I don't remember a lot because it was a while ago. But from what I do remember, their writing really focuses more on actions and thoughts instead of depending on dialogue, which makes it much easier to look into the psychological side of the yanderes they write, to see what makes them tick and how they act and why they do what they do.

Yan Scaramouche post by writing-genshin-obsession. I've only read this small Scaramouche series of theirs, and I'm linking it because it doesn't really have a title (at least to my knowledge) and so it might be harder to find without a link. But there it is. I'm not into genshin anymore, but I found Scaramouche to be a really interesting character, especially when people write him as a yandere. This series focuses on him getting attached to the mc that's helping him heal, and him dealing with separation anxiety likely due to his trauma and backstory, and him eventually becoming a yandere. It's two parts, but I found it to be interesting, so maybe you'll enjoy it too.

[s1renidae]

does anyone else (specifically any other autistic ppl) really really struggle with art in terms of like. getting yourself to actually do it or learn how

I dont rly know how to articulate it but like. I have tried, I have BEEN trying for years to find joy in creating art but I CANT, because creating anything just feels like an unwinnable battle against myself. it's not exactly art block because I have so so many things I want to draw and i can envision them perfectly but then when it comes time to actually do it just. can't. I freeze up. I feel like I dont know how to do/make what I want to and I know that you have to make bad art in order to learn how to make good art but my problem is that if I can't do exactly what I want to do or if I don't know exactly step by step how to get where I want to go my brain just Won't Let Me. reaching the limit of what I'm familiar and comfortable with feels like hitting the limit of a map in a game like I just. hit a wall and can't go any further

and I've had the thought that maybe with the way my brain works I am just simply not meant to be an artist but I HATE that, because I love drawing I really do and I'm 100% more miserable being stuck with all the images in my head than I am when I actually do make something and i really really dont want to let my stupid autism/adhd/whateverthefuck stop me from doing something that i actually am passionate about but I just. can't do itfor some reason !! it's so frustrating and I've tried so many ways to get past it I've gotten so much advice from artists in my life and none of it has worked and I want to fucking cry because I refuse to accept that I just can't do what I want to do but I don't know how to move forward

I'll get to a certain point in a piece (usually I'll finish a sketch/lineart and MAYBE add flat colors) but then I think about what to do next and even if I know the process I just get overwhelmed and then I quit because that's easier and I dont know how to make myself not quit that's how I've been with everything I've tried my whole life and I'm about ready to just give up on doing or being anything that I want to because it seems like I'm just completely incapable of holding myself to anything

I really want to feel the joy/relaxation that I see other ppl get from drawing/painting and I used to feel that when I was a kid and it comes back in phases sometimes as long as I stick to just sketching but I just. can't I know im saying that a lot and it doesn't rly mean anything but that's rly all it is I Simply Cant. I struggle and then I give up because I'm such a perfectionist that I circle back around to not being able to do anything at all because I know I can't meet my own standards and I can't muster up enough dedication to learn and practice and ahhhhhh idk

I know this has become more of a vent post than anything but like please someone tell me I'm not alone or that there's some way around this shit because it's starting to feel really hopeless and I don't want to completely give up on the only hobby I've ever been this passionate about wanting to focus on

[calliopecalling]

QOTS Rewatch - 5x03 - No Te Pierdas La Cabeza

This remains the hardest episode for me to rewatch this season (there are others, like 3x10, that I still find harder) EVEN though I know the outcome and EVEN though I've come to terms with some aspects of it. Here are my original thoughts on it when I watched it live. I still agree with a lot of it, specifically how they didn't need to do this whole out of character thing just to show her going dark when they had PLENTY to work with otherwise. I also really dislike the racial dynamics of it, because it's using Teresa offering up a black man to go to prison in this really ugly way without ever showing that she understands the significance of that, and yet we're supposed to root for her at the end? I don't know, that whole aspect of it never got satisfactorily wrapped up, there was no actual redemption for it, which to me shows that the writers were being careless of it, which is just, not great. Just shows the blind spots in the writer's room, much like how season 4 just totally forgot about female characters and season 5 had so many stupid sexist jokes that somehow Pote gets away with??? ANYWAY.

But there is one thing I've been kind of mulling over about this episode (beyond what I've written about already in the tags of reblogs and in my original recap of this episode).

And that is that if you think back to season 2, they also did something with James's character that they never fully explained and that felt totally out of character, leaving fans to debate what the heck the writers were actually trying to do and what our takeaway was supposed to be about his character. And they never really did fully explain it, either, to the very end! That was the tracker situation, obviously. And fans have had to come up with (in my opinion) barely canon compliant theories to justify the tracker that are all vaguely unsatisfying in some way, while it's obviously also incredibly unsatisfying to just... accept that James was fine with having Teresa possibly die at Camila's hands because of information he gave up about her. And yet I find it somehow easier to try to grapple with that, than try to explain it away with dubious theories that aren't really ever satisfyingly support by the source material.

So... I guess what I'm saying is, what if this is kind of intentional (albeit frustrating) on the part of the writers? To have both these characters do these things that feel so out of character that it confounds us? To have their moral failings be profound enough that we wonder, how could you do that and still live with yourself?

I guess I'm okay with that as a story, even though in both James's case and Teresa's I think they should've resolved it better. They should've had James apologize to Teresa for giving up her location to Camila, he should've acknowledged that he did that and that it tortured him but that he didn't know what else to do, he felt he didn't have a choice. They should've had her say, that really sucked for me, but I understand, and I forgive you.

Just like for this episode, they had Teresa do this really shitty thing to Marcel, this thing that James witnessed and then grappled with all season. If they were trying to do this story right, they should've had her go to Marcel in 5x07 and instead of try to throw money at him, had her tell him: Marcel, I'm sorry, I felt I had no choice, but I was wrong. And have James more explicitly grappling with how to support her to finding her moral core again because he'd been through that journey himself and knew how she had been a part of it for him and wanted to do the same for her. Am I making sense?

THEN I think the parallel James/Teresa character journeys would have really been clear, and even compelling! Instead in both cases fans were kind of left to scratch our heads and try to figure out what on earth they were thinking and how maybe we were misunderstanding something, maybe it wasn't as bad as it looks.

I'm still kind of struggling with how to articulate this so I might come back to this later with more thoughts. But in thinking about this episode I was just like: man it reminds me of all the BUT JAMES WOULD NEVER outcry at the end of season 2, and how I really had to try to wrap my mind around, well, what if he did though? How can I make that acceptable within my understanding of his character journey, and not just acceptable, but a part of his character journey that I love? And I really did. So what if the same thing is true here--that understanding how deeply stuck Teresa felt to be driven to make a decision that was so out of left field for her could actually make me love her more and root for her more? because to be that flawed is to be deeply beautiful and human?

I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

[notebeans-galaxy]

a pretty big source of contention between different communities of trans people is that it's very easy to get upset at people you consider your allies and expect to know better when they seem casually dismissive of your struggles. it can be really hard to stay calm and politely explain things when we're so used to being deliberately undermined by cis folks. i really don't want to seem like i'm trying to start an argument, but i'm so used to erasure of my experiences and struggles as transmasc person and especially as a nonbinary person that it's very easy to get upset and come off more aggressively than i intend to. i've been on the other end of this as well, and i try to remember to assume good faith from other trans people.

it really does not help that i'm autistic and i've always been seen as argumentative even when i'm specifically going out of my way to try to be polite; i have no idea how people are going to interpret my words, or my tone, or what assumptions they'll make about my beliefs. it's even worse when it's based on one or two imprecise words that don't correctly convey how i feel about things, but i have a hard time finding a different way to phrase it that makes any sort of sense so i end up giving up and going, "people who read this will know what i'm trying to say, right?". i'm constantly trying to articulate my thoughts in a way that doesn't lead to incorrect assumptions, but a lot of people on the internet have had bad experiences and assume bad faith. i know this and i try not to blame them, but it's so upsetting to be constantly misinterpreted and misunderstood.

i don't want other people to feel undermined or erased the same way i've felt. i don't want to seem dismissive, i don't want to be dismissive, i don't want to erase people's experiences. i want to be allies and friends with all sorts of trans people with experiences completely unlike my own, i want to understand others and be understood in turn.

[neuxue]

Random ask, have you read The Captive Prince trilogy? If you have, can I ask your thoughts on them?

I have.

On the one hand it's probably not surprising that someone eventually asked this, because on paper yeah there's a lot about this series that looks very well-tailored to my id.

On the other hand, it's funny you should ask, because this is a series I have never been able to coherently express my thoughts on, mostly because.

I can't stand them.

But I have, with time and a great deal of (sometimes grudging) commitment to practising what I preach, come to accept that this is just a personal... mismatch between me and these books, rather than anything inherently wrong with them.

I mean I wouldn't say they're ''objectively'' ''good'' books, in terms of literary craft, but a book need not be 'good' in that sense to be enjoyable, and I can absolutely see the appeal. They're very iddy, and in no way do they attempt to apologise for or equivocate on that. And sometimes that's exactly what you want in a story!

And of course, because they deal with some dark and fucked up shit, there are all kinds of accusations flying around about how they're ~problematic or whatever, which. Trust me I have never been more tempted towards that side of the ~discourse than with these books... but ultimately, 'don't like; don't read' applies just as much to things I dislike as to things I like, so I'm not going to try to say that just because this series falls onto the wrong side of the 'one person's power fantasy is another person's nightmare' dichotomy for me, other people can't delight to their id's content in it. The dark fucked-up shit is the point! That's the fun part!

Just, unfortunately, not for me in this specific case.

And I struggle with articulating why I can't stand them because ultimately it's that they come very close to being perfectly tailored to my id and instead veer just slightly off onto the exact wrong side of that into probably the closest thing I have to any kind of trigger that I've come across thus far — and I can't even figure out how to describe what that is without several thousand words of navel-gazing no one needs. (If you've read Captive Prince — it's not the thing you probably think it is; it's not a single specific thing I can point to at all, which is actually supremely frustrating because it's the one thing I'd actually maybe want some kind of warning for but I can't ask for a warning for a thing I can't even coherently or succinctly describe. Love that for me. Anyway.)

I think mostly it's back to that very fine line between id-fodder and nightmare, and how in many ways the closer something gets to the good buttons in your brain the more nails-on-a-blackboard shrieking-sirens abort-abort-abort bad it feels when it unexpectedly hits one of the bad buttons.

Truly, it's extremely frustrating, because I want to like these books! There's so much about them that appeals to me and it makes me want to throw a loud and childish tantrum when I can't have them.

It's like there's this delicious-looking cake sitting there taunting me, but then it turns out I'm severely allergic to some random trace ingredient.

Although! My pithy summary of my feelings re Captive Prince is 'I want to read Laurent but in a different story', and when I finally got around to starting the Lymond Chronicles a while back it became immediately obvious who Laurent was an expy of in the first place, and so in the end I kind of get my wish.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts on Captive Prince: that I will forever envy those who can get as much iddy delight out of them as I would like to.