#and tim is ... doing this

[yeepof]

I understand that tall men are our POV characters, but surely being like a foot taller than everyone around them would have some occasional consequences

[astronomalyy]

parenting

[gl1tchedj3llyfish]

BREAKING NEWS: EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED FATHER TRIES TO SHOW AFFECTION

Tiny Tim needs some validation and love.

[lili-home-to-embraces-and-hugs]

The Batcave has a “Do Not Talk To Me” couch. It’s sacred. It’s unspoken. It’s real.

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.”

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

alfred vacuums around the couch. never says a word. leaves snacks in a silent offering. once placed a weighted blanket gently on jason’s shoulder. that’s different. he’s allowed.

[non-binary-lil-star]

Hc all the batkids decide to give Bruce Happy Mothers day as a prank

. Dick comes up with the idea and gets everyone to sign a Happy Mother's Day card that he made

. Jason buys him a watch with a small card saying "Happy Mother's day, loser"

. Cass buys him a mug that says "Best Mother in the world" (Shiva will later find out and fistfight Bruce because of it)

. Tim makes a gadget that Bruce had projected but had no time to actually build, and leaves it on his desk in a small gift box

. Duke has No Idea how other people are going about the prank and decides to buy him flowers

. Damian paints Martha Wayne (Tim helps by finding him several reference pictures)

They all think they're going to make Bruce Very Uncomfortable. Because well, he's not a mother. He's their father. Guys, Bruce starts sobbing by the end of the day. He hugs them and won't let go. Plan sucessfully backfired.

[definitelysome1]

Tim (with a sigh): it’s my birthday today…

Jason: yeah, I know. I put a gift on your dining table this morning

Tim: ?!??!!??????!?

Jason: why the fuck do you look so confused?

Tim: no one has remembered my birthday since I was seven. I don’t even tell people my birthday anymore because they aren’t going to remember anyway

Jason: ?!!?!???!???

Jason: what the actual fuck

Tim: what?

Jason: not even goldie?? Or cas? Or Steph???

Tim: oh. Well, Dick always gets the date wrong and Steph never asked. I assume it’s because she thinks I don’t want to celebrate because no one ever tries to.

Jason: and Cas?

Tim: I think she knows, but she’s always been away on my birthday

Jason: what about your team? The speedster and the supers? Don’t they remember???

Tim: I’ve never told them

Jason: I-

Jason: did Bruce ever officially adopt you, or are you still emancipated?

Tim: he was going to, but then he disappeared and we never talked about it again, why?

Jason: I’m adopting you and then we’ll celebrate 10 birthdays to make up for the ones you’ve missed.

Tim:???!??!???

[batman-katflap]

When the Batkids all realise Bruce is so tooth rottingly supportive of his family, they start a competition to test just how far this support goes.

Jason makes tshirts with crude sayings and even cruder drawings on them.

Bruce wears them without question.

Tim makes an app that just tells you what your nut of the day is.

Bruce uses it everyday.

The rest of the clan try it themselves and only stop when Dick hires out a theatre and preforms a one man play slash interpretive dance for all the family.

Bruce is the only one to not pull out their phone or look bored even when the performance goes into its forth hour.

After that they realise there is no ceiling. They could do anything and Bruce will be behind them 100 percent.

[weewoow-20706030]

The batfam trauma candy salad would go absolutely insane.

Dick: Hi. I'm Dick Grayson and when I was 8 I watched my parents fall to their death in front of me, then I had to move away from everything I love and spend the rest of my life in some weird American city. And I brought the sour gummy worms.

Jason: This is so stupid- my mother used to kick me out when he drug dealer would come over so I didn't see her spending our very small amount of money on drugs.

Steph *off screen*: what did you bring?

Jason: nerds.

Cass: I was raised to be a weapon, a murderer. I brought peach rings.

Steph: I'm Steph and My dad was an alcoholic who thought he could go head to head with batman and outdo the riddler. And I brought Reese's pieces.

Tim: I'm Timothy Drake Wayne and I had left the house to try and find some guy before he killed my dad, just for him to kill my dad when I was gone. I brought sour rainbow strips.

Duke: My parents are in a mental ward, high on joker toxin. No one knows if they'll ever get better. And I got m&m's.

Damian: I am a highly trained assassin and-

Steph: cut. Cut. Damian. Civilian identities. Ok. Restart.

Damian: My mother randomly dropped me on some weird man's doorstep when I was ten. I brought rock candy.

[sarahcmarie]

At some point when Jason and Dick are hanging out Dick goes on a rant about how as Nightwing he can’t lose it like red hood can and how he is sick of everything and how he is angry and how he would love to be able to lose it like red hood does every night just once

About a week later when Dick got back to his apartment after work there was a red hood suit crafted specifically for Dicks measurements with a note saying

“Go nuts Dickhead”

Now he should NOT do this it was a bad idea…but Jason is out of town for a couple of days and he wouldn’t want the ally left unprotected

Bruce was very confused when he saw his son who was supposed to be out of town blow up a warehouse

He was even more confused when said son looked like he had lost some of his bulky muscle it wasn’t super obvious but he was Batman and that was not red hood

He was gonna go stop the fake red hood when cass put a hand on his arm and said that he needed this and to let him have his fun

Dick blew shit up didnt hold his punch’s got to say the things he wanted to say but couldn’t cause they were to mean as Nightwing

Jason and Dick never discuss this but when ever Jason’s outa town he always makes sure that the red hood suit is on his brothers bed

[business-as-usual-bats]

Read a fanfic where Tim Drake thinks Bruce ignored his birthday, then on some random day was like, "Happy Birthday, Tim!" And Tim was like, "It's not my birthday...?" And Bruce was like, "Uh, according to your birth certificate it is, though?"

And the birth certificate shows a date with a different month and day than Tim thought was his birthday, and he realized his parents just FORGOT when his birthday was and essentially picked either a random day or a day more convenient for their schedules or a day they could remember better-

Tim, this whole time, had a completely different birthday than what he'd been celebrating his whole life, and he is so MAD. Like no shit his life doesn't make any goddamm sense he's been a fucking Pisces this whole time

[plagueislost]

there is a voice inside my head that whispers “wing au” every time i join a new fandom. it is currently winning.

EDIT: made an update to bruce’s design!

[outtamynoggin]

Daddy issues... son issues??

Jason: Can a parent have daddy issues?

Tim: Obviously. They-

Jason: No I mean can they have daddy issues for their child?

Tim: What the actual heck are you on about?

Jason: Because I SWEAR Bruce has daddy issues for Dick.

Tim: WHAT? WHAT?!! What the actual-

Jason: No, think about it. Someone with daddy issues has: Fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting a partner, feeling insecure in a relationship, being clingy or possessive, needing constant reassurance, being easily jealous or suspicious, and attracting abusive partners.

Tim: *panicking* Hold-

Jason: *on a roll* NO. Bruce literally stalks dick and gets mad and scared over him leaving, he doesn't trust his robins to meet his standards, he constantly trauma-dumps on Alfred about his and Dick’s relationship, and he’s super clingy and possessive when it comes to Dick—like, look at the Titans! He’s obsessed. He literally asks Dick if things are alright between them CONSTANTLY. Abusive partners? I don't mean to talk shit about Talia and Selina but they're literally villains.

Tim: *having a crisis*

Jason: Bruce Wayne- the first man to have daddy issues... in reverse.

Tim: *whimpering* Please stop talking.

Jason: ...But wait... all these things... doesn't Dick have some of them too?!

Tim: NO!

Jason: *speeding up* No, no.. HOLY SHIT, IT'S A CYCLE! Bruce is feeding into Dick's issues and Dick is feeding into Bruce's because Bruce is looking for validation from Dick and Dick is looking for validation in Bruce and they-

Tim: *frantically calling* KON, COME PICK ME UP. I'M SCARED.

[sabertoothwalrus]

BRING BACK THE BEAR!!! 🗣️👉🐻

[zkyeline]

No dwarfussy Thursday

[versasfanficwastedump]

and while i’m on a self indulgent thing? i think that any of the kids calling Bruce “dad” changes his whole demeanor. it helps him know that whatever they’re talking about is serious.

hearing his name shouted across the house does nothing for him. a hundred people say his name all day, including his kids. whatever the situation is can be fixed.

but hearing “Dad!”, cried out in battle or screamed from the other room, has him rushing to their side. what is it love and i’m here you’re alright and shh i’ve got you

“Bruce, I need help” = can’t open this large jar, have a question about math homework, need someone to look at this case file for me

“Dad, I need help” = I am hurt. I am scared. I am in danger. I need you to make things better. I need you to protect me.

[sparkoflena]

Kon: Why are you staring at me so intently?

Tim, completely casually: I think I want to stab you with Kryptonite a few times. In different areas. For science.

Kon: ...why is my best friend considering torturing me?

Tim: I'm wondering if it takes you down so badly because it is truly that dangerous to you or if the invulnerablility of Kryptonians gives you a weak pain tolerance.

Kon: And you're asking me, a half human, instead of Clark or Kara?

Tim: They'd start telling Bruce about my "concerning villainous behavior" again.

Kon: And I won't?

Tim: I've kept fighting through pneumonia, a gunshot wound, and broken bones. And you go down when I poke you with a rock. Come on, you've got to be curious.

Kon: ...okay, I am a little curious.

Tim: YES! You won't regret this!

Kon: I will absolutely regret this.