#anyways she had a good last day I think :) we mainly just fucked around and did like half our job

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

absolutely devastated how can I go on :((

[youunravelme]

to all the girls you loved before part 3

author's note: thanks for all the kind words you left in the last two parts!! to everyone who wanted to be tagged but didn’t, i tried and tumblr wouldn’t let me, for some reason. :(

pairing: single dad!mat barzal x reader

summary: being a nanny for rich people was probably the worst thing that ever happened to you, until you started working for mat.

warnings: children, rich people, volatile/toxic relationship

day thirty two

"you look rough."

maybe it was the look on your face, or maybe it was your slouched shoulders. either way, mat almost immediately offered you a cup of coffee instead of apologizing.

"my roommate kept me up with her midnight hijinks. i couldn't sleep."

mat grimaced and all but shoved the cup of coffee in your hands. "i know i say this every day, but if you need to nap when ella goes down, the guest room is open."

you took a sip, cringing at the black coffee, but grateful for it anyway. "i might take you up on that offer."

"when you say 'hijinks'..." he trailed off.

"she was fucking someone really loudly. has been for awhile now," you said as you plopped down on the couch, some of the coffee spilling out of the mug and onto your fingers.

"must be nice," mat grumbled. he gestured to ella who was sitting on the floor with toys in a pack in play. "i haven't gotten any since before ella."

"you expect me to be shocked by that?" he stared at you blankly. "mat, i would know if you were seeing someone. mainly because i'm here more than you are."

he opened his mouth to protest, but sat down on the couch next to you. "touche."

"what time do you have to be at practice today?"

a quick glance at his watch told you it was later than he anticipated when he all but jumped off the couch and ran back to his room.

"running late?" you managed to croak out between laughs.

mat poked his head back into the living room with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. "just a little."

"are you driving or is tito picking you up?"

"ee-o," he called from the bathroom. you could only surmise that you were meant to understand that tito was the one driving today.

and like he was summoned, tito burst through the front door and ignored your presence in favor of cooing at ella.

"are you a sweet girl?" he asked. she didn't pay him any attention, more enraptured with the book in front of her. tito huffed and looked at you. "why is she in baby jail?"

you couldn't stop yourself, a laugh slipped out. "baby jail?"

"it's a pack and play, tito," mat said from the bathroom. "and she's in there because she's safe while i get ready."

"then what are you paying mary poppins here for?" tito joked.

"i don't disturb happy babies," you shrugged.

it was silent for a moment. you and tito held eye contact before he moved to sit on the couch next to you. "you've trained him well," he whispered. "didn't think he had a paternal bone in his body."

you didn't know what it was about tito that always had you smiling. maybe it was the fact that he was so at ease all the time. or the earnest attitude he had. or maybe it was the diehard loyalty to mat. or it could've just been that he was fun to be around.

"give him some credit," you said. "he's made a lot of changes in the past month."

"no denying there. the whole team can see it. you've been good for him, momma bear."

you almost shot off the couch. "mama bear?"

"tito," mat groaned from his place in the bathroom. "i thought i told you not to call her that."

the man in question looked unbothered. "you can't say you wouldn't go mama bear on someone for ella."

you opened and closed your mouth before looking down and ignoring him entirely. a quick glance at the clock on your phone had you changing the subject. "aren't you supposed to be leaving now?"

"we would if mat would stop fixing his hair," tito snipped. he turned his head towards the hallway bathroom. "your hair is going into a helmet, mathew. we're not going to the met gala."

mat came out dressed in all black with his hair looking....

the exact same as it did seven minutes ago.

"what the hell took you so long?" tito asked. "you look like you always do. with the amount of time it took you to get ready, i was hoping you would've looked better."

mat flipped off tito, but other than that, ignored him entirely. he walked over to where ella was and picked her up, kissing the top of her head when she curled into his chest. "i'll be back later, ella bean. i love you."

your ears heard everything, but the moment felt private, so you pretended like someone was texting you something important at 7:30 in the morning. the phone had your focus until mat called your name; you looked up almost immediately.

"i'll be back in a few hours."

day thirty four

"i'm so glad you're here," mat said as soon as he opened up the door. you walked in, albeit hesitantly, waiting for someone or something to jump out at you. there weren't many times when someone was actually excited to see you. though, you supposed, all that changed when you met mat.

"what happened? is ella okay?" you asked warily.

he smiled. "she's great! she's in the pack and play while i got ready. are you okay? how are you?"

"i'm fine?...look are you okay? you seem, hyper."

mat shrugged. "just excited. i have a surprise for you."

you blinked once. twice. three times. until the words finally registered with you. "a surprise?" you'd only known him for a month, how did he know you well enough to surprise you?

it was like a switch flipped and suddenly mat was rubbing the back of his neck and walking over to ella to find something to do. "well yeah," he said. "i know you said you didn't really know anything about hockey, so i thought you could come to the game today."

you opened your mouth to reply but he cut you off.

"an--and you could bring jason! i have two tickets, one for you, one for him."

"what about ella?" you asked. "her sleep schedule might be affected."

"i thought about that, but i talked to matt martin and he said sydney, his wife, had done it. worse comes to worst, we can set up a pack and play in the box and she could sleep there for the time being."

you looked at him, and really looked at him. usually, mat was full of confidence, walked around like he owned the place (which in this case, he kinda did). but now? he would barely meet your eye and kept rubbing the back of his neck like he had an itch there.

"i'll go!" you said to finally put him out of his misery. "i just--what do you wear to a hockey game?"

mat's eyes lit up like a kid on christmas. "you can wear my jersey!" you must've had a look on your face because he quickly backtracked. "or tito's! if you want."

"no!" you said before you could stop yourself. "no, i'll wear your jersey. i know you better anyway." you weren't sure what it was but the poorly concealed panic on mat's face did something to make you agree. jason probably wouldn't like it, but you could probably explain that everyone wore jerseys at games. it wasn't that big of a deal.

"great," mat smiled. "that's--that's great."

and it was. you stayed at mat's apartment until it was time to leave for the game. you were dressed in your jeans and threw mat's jersey over your shirt, when jason texted that he was outside. you tossed on a coat. you grabbed ella who was decked out in a mini barzal jersey and sweat pants and sitting in her car seat. you made a quick grab for the diaper bag before locking up.

you met jason down at his car where he sat in the driver's seat. he didn't get out to open the back seat for ella, the most he did was unlock the car. when you finally got her situated, you got in the front seat, not sparing him a glare at his lack of help.

"thanks for the assistance," you bit out.

"i didn't know what you wanted me to do. i'm not a mind reader!" jason snapped back as he pulled the car away from the curb. "besides, it's just a baby car seat, it's not like you couldn't handle it."

"it would've been nice had you even offered to grab the diaper bag or offered any help at all."

jason scoffed. "whatever."

not a word was spoken outside of ella's babbling in the back seat.

by the time the three of you arrived at the arena, you were hopeful that you could act like nothing happened. you got out of the car, and put the baby carrier on while jason grabbed the diaper bag. you quickly got ella situated in the carrier and put on the lanyard mat gave you, handing jason's to him.

the three of you started walking towards the arena. everything was fine until another fan made a comment when you got inside.

he pointed at you and shouted. "a house divided, eh?"

you furrowed your brows. what the hell was he talking about? you turned and looked at jason who was doing his best to look as confused as you were and failing horribly.

he was wearing a rangers jersey.

to the rangers and isles game.

when you were invited by mat.

you clenched your jaw and kept walking, not wanting to make a scene in front of everyone.

by the time you made it inside the box, you were fuming. you wanted so badly to scream at him for being a dick, but another part of you said he was allowed to wear a jersey for a team he liked. after all, that's what you were doing, right?

right?

not that you really had time to think about it because the prettiest woman you think you'd ever seen came bounding over to you with the whitest smile you'd ever seen in real life.

"hi!" she said. "i'm sydney, mat's told us so much about you and miss ella."

you introduced yourself and did your best to smile back, though you're not sure if it was convincing. "this is my boyfriend, jason."

for a moment, just a flicker of a second, the smile on sydney's face faltered. it was so quick you almost second guessed yourself that it ever happened in the first place. "i'm really excited you're here, we love new company." she grabbed you by the arm in a gentle way but with a strong enough grip that you knew you really had no other option. "let me introduce you to everyone!"

after introductions, you found yourself and ella a seat. you pulled her out of the carrier before taking the carrier and your coat off. an action you almost immediately regretted.

"are you fucking serious?" you heard jason say. you turned with ella in your arms to see his normally pale face burning red. "you're wearing his jersey?"

there were no words coming to your mind. the two of you had argued before, but you had never seen him this volatile before.

in a flash, he was in front of you yelling as spit flew from his mouth. you didn't even register what he was saying, how could you when ella was crying? all you remembered was mumbling an apology over and over but that only served to make him angrier.

it wasn't until sydney literally got between you two that he stopped screaming. he looked around to see everyone staring at the two of you and threw his hands up in the air. "you know what?" he said. "fuck you, i'm leaving. you can find another way home."

sydney was in front of you, trying to calm you and ella down but you couldn't hear anything over the blood rushing in your ears.

jason was never the nicest boyfriend, but he'd never been that angry before. you'd never been scared of him before.

"here," sydney said. "let's get you some water."

"ella's upset--"

"because she knows you're upset. once you calm down, you can calm her down."

you nodded and let her sit you in a chair and bring you a glass of water. once your hands stopped shaking, you were able to bring ella to your chest and rub her back in the way you knew she liked.

"i'm sorry," you said.

sydney just tilted her head in confusion. "what for?"

"i brought him here, i didn't know he'd act like that--"

"honey, you are not responsible for a grown man's reaction to a stupid jersey." she pulled her chair closer to yours. "so let's just put all of that on the back burner and enjoy the game, okay?"

you nodded and turned your attention back to the rink where the players were warming up. ella yawned and snuggled into your chest when it hit you.

you forgot the pack and play.

"shit."

"honey, i told you it's okay--"

"no," you laughed. "it's just i forgot the pack and play so my boyfriend isn't gonna be the only who's mad at me by the end of tonight."

sydney, despite the implications of your statement, smiled. "she'll live," she said. "mine have definitely missed bedtime before and they're turning out alright. just means tomorrow might be a little difficult."

"thanks, sydney.'

"anytime!"

the two of you turned your attention to the rink where the game was beginning. occasionally, you'd get up and bounce ella around the suite, but for the most part, she was content as long as she was in your arms. by the time the second period was over, the isles were tied with the rangers 1-1.

ella had long since fallen asleep in the carrier with her thumb in her mouth. the tears were long gone by then, both of you having calmed down significantly since the start of the game. though now your heart was racing due to the intensity of the game instead of the screaming of your boyfriend.

despite your anger at him earlier, and the fear you felt before he left, you still found yourself checking your phone periodically for any text or missed call he might've left.

nothing.

you were so focused, you nearly missed mat's one goal of the night but your attention was brought to the game when you heard sydney shout his name.

you smiled as you watched him celebrate his goal, skating around the rink and shouting. you were too high up to see if he smiled the same way he did when he looked at ella, with that same look of pride. maybe you'd come back to another game to see it up close and personal for yourself.

the isles won 2-1.

sydney, ella, and you waited in the suite until the stands had mostly cleared out, then the three of you made your way down to the locker rooms. ella was out like a light, and you couldn't blame her. you were out later than you had been in months.

you and sydney made small talk while you waited for mat and matt. you watched as other players greeted their friends and family, smiling at the hugs and kisses going around.

it wasn't until matt martin came out that the tears started coming back. the way his face lit up at the sight of his wife, the kiss her gave her that was almost too inappropriate for a public place--

you would've given anything to be loved like that.

in the two years you'd dated jason, you couldn't remember him ever looking at you like that, like you were his entire universe.

you cleared your throat and rubbed at your eyes just in time for mat and tito to walk out.

"mama bear!" tito called. he started to jog over but slowed down when he saw ella asleep in the carrier.

mat, however, looked you over. his brows pulled together and his lips turned down in a small frown. it didn't make sense on the face of someone who shot the game winning goal.

but it made sense for an observant friend who noticed the plus one you came with.

"where's jason?" he asked.

"i--"

sydney cut in with a smile on her face as she dragged her husband over. "this is mat's nanny, babe. the one i was telling you about?"

you could've kissed her feet for the change in subject.

"nice to meet you in person, finally. barzy over here talks about you and ella all the time." matt stuck his hand out to shake, ignoring the glares of the other mat.

"well, we gotta get home to the girls," sydney said. "nice to meet you finally. maybe i'll see you at another game, yeah?" you smiled and nodded and watched as the happy couple walked away.

when they were finally out of sight, you turned your attention back to mat and tito, both whom looked a little too good in their suits.

"where's jason?" mat asked for the second time now that you didn't have another person around to interrupt you.

"he left," was all you said.

"he left you here? alone?"

you nodded. "and he took the car seat."

mat nodded and clenched his jaw while tito glanced back and forth between you two. "i'll drive you home. thankfully, he took the bonus car seat and not the one i use."

you mumbled a small thanks and watched dumbly as he scooped the diaper bag off your shoulder and put it on his own. "mat i can carry it just fine--"

"sounds like you've been carrying enough on your own. i got it."

you had no rebuttal, so you followed him and tito out to the garage. tito parted ways when you reached mat's car. he bid you a silent wave and smile as a form of goodbye and headed to his own vehicle.

you didn't speak until mat started the car. not even when the both of you were loading ella carefully into the car seat or putting the diaper bag in the back. you didn't even say anything when he handed you his phone to plug your address in.

it was silent until you mumbled a small "thank you."

"for what?" he asked.

'"for taking me home. for inviting me to the game even when jason..." you trailed off.

"when jason...?" he implored you to go on. you hesitated. "cmon, you've seen me at my worst, scared about this new baby and raising her. you can trust me."

you sighed. "jason kind of lost his mind tonight and made a huge scene. i tried apologizing to sydney but she wouldn't have it. i'm just sorry that we embarrassed you like that."

mat went real quiet for a second. and in the corner of your eye, you saw his fists grip the steering wheel a little tighter. "what did he say?"

"huh?"

"i saw the look on your face when we came out. he said something that upset you. what did he say?"

and how do you say you didn't remember words just feelings? you couldn't remember the insults he hurled your way, but you remembered the sting of his tone and the burn of his spit and the pure rage in his eyes. you could remember shaking like a leaf during fall and the cries of ella muffled by the jersey with her last name on the back and her father's number on the sleeve.

mat called your name. "i don't remember." he didn't look convinced. "i really don't. he said a lot of things but i blocked most of it out," you said thinking that would placate him.

if anything, it made him angrier.

but he didn't say anything, mainly because your apartment was approaching and he didn't have time. mat parked the car out in front of your building and turned his flashers on.

"you need me to walk you up?" he asked.

you shook your head. "you have ella in the back. i'll be fine."

"text me when you get inside."

any other day, you would've argued with him, but you were just glad someone cared enough about your wellbeing to ask, so you nodded and opened the door.

you got into the elevator, hands wringing themselves together. you wondered what you'd tell your roommate natalie, if you'd tell her anything. but considering how much jason liked to make your relationship business natalie's business, she probably already knew and she probably was waiting on the couch ready to chastise you.

the elevator doors opened at your floor. you walked down the hallway towards your front door. you pulled your phone out, ready to text mat when you heard noises coming from inside your apartment.

your first thought was: intruders. but when listening a little harder, it just sounded like moans. you rolled your eyes and carefully and quietly unlocked the door. only to be confronted with clothes strewn about the living area. natalie's shirt, shorts, socks, all leading on a less than ideal trail to her bedroom. you shouldn't be surprised given how active she's been lately. you just never expected it to be this in your face.

you continued into your apartment, two seconds away from texting mat when you saw it.

a rangers jersey.

taglist:

@whenmypartysover @sunflowerhood @spencereidbasis @icanfsplel @avareadsthings @zegraswrites @calermakar @heyitsmeimdead @kashee-h @bordelhoe

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[petite-phthora]

Oh, he’s stupid.

[DP x DC fic]

[Love at first... murder? - part 4]

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Part 1

Ao3

---

“THAT CLOWN I PUNCHED WAS THE JOKER?!”

The frenzied question stuns Jason for a moment.

Oh. He realizes. He’s stupid.

...

Fuck, he wants to kiss him so bad.

Slightly incredulous, he manages to get out a question of his own in response.

“Just how many insane clowns do you think we have wandering around Gotham?”

“I don’t know, man! I’ve only been here for less than a week. And it’s Gotham, there’s a new rogue like every other week!”

Jason considers his point for a moment before conceding.

“… You know what? That’s fair.”

Danny slumps in his chair with a groan, his cheeks slightly dusted pink due to embarrassment. He puts his forehead on the table. Slightly worried, Jason speaks up.

“Are you alright?”

“Just peachy. Not even a week in a new city and I already managed to dispose of one of the city’s most infamous rogues, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Ugh, my sister’s gonna kill me. Fully this time.”

Right. Jason’s not gonna touch upon that last statement with a ten-foot pole.

Instead, he suggests “Well, you could try to keep it from her but, knowing how siblings can be, she’ll probably find out anyway. Better rip off the metaphorical band-aid and tell her yourself first so she’ll be less mad about you keeping it from her.”

Danny seems to think it over for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah, if I tell her beforehand she might be merciful enough to make it painless.”

Jason lets out a snort. He then considers something before speaking up.

“I could… show you around sometime if you’d like? Explain some standard protocols, show you which places to avoid, which places to visit… So something like this doesn’t happen again…?”

“I’d… like that” Danny days, looking up at him with a small smile.

“So…” Jason decides to switch topics “Tell me some more about yourself, you’re studying aerospace engineering, right?”

Danny decides it’s better not to ask how Red Hood found out all this information about him. If he were in any danger from the other, he probably wouldn’t have gotten flowers or been taken out to dinner anyway.

“Oh, yeah! When I was little I actually wanted to be an astronaut, but due to health reasons, that’s unfortunately not possible anymore. So instead, I decided to combine my mechanical engineering knowledge with my love for space. This way, I might still be able to land a job at NASA.”

Jason ponders over the possibility of sneaking Danny onto the watchtower.

They get interrupted by a waiter approaching their table, nervously asking if they’d like to order dessert.

“Oh, I’ll have some cannoli please!” Danny says.

Ah, a man after his own heart.

---

When they get to the observatory, Jason already notices Danny’s excitement growing the closer they get.

He managed to rent the place out for tonight, not having been in the mood for a tour or something. Besides, if he really wanted to know more about the stars, he’s pretty sure his date Danny’s got that covered for him.

“Over there you can see Ursa Major and Ursa Minor! They’re also known as The Big and Little Dipper, and are some of the easiest constellations to spot, mainly due to their pan shape. Though, the Big Dipper isn't the entire constellation, but actually only a part of Ursa Major, just the tail.”

Danny had started to tell him about the different constellations they should be able to see at this time of the year, using the telescope to navigate towards them and then letting Jason take a look while he tells him all about what they’re looking at.

“Oh! And there’s Hydra! While some parts of the constellation are visible for about half of the year, around this time of year the full constellation should be visible! It is both the largest and longest constellation.”

Danny seems to be practically glowing.

Wait, scratch that. Danny is glowing.

Jason takes a good look at Danny while he’s rambling. Not only does he seem to be emitting a soft glow, but his hair is also slowly starting to float as if he’s underwater. It looks like his meta powers are probably acting up.

Moreover, his freckles, which were very faint before, are now glowing a bright and familiar Lazarus green, which Jason finds mildly concerning. But also… kinda cute…

He tenses a little, keeping a wary eye on Danny, before slowly relaxing as he notices Danny is still excitedly going on about the Hydra constellation.

“Did you know Hydra is also often referred to as The Water Snake? The naming is based on the myth where a crow served Apollo a cup of water with a hydra snake in it. Apollo then caught the crow and was so enraged that he threw the cup and the snake into the sky.”

Yeah, no matter the connection Danny might have to the Lazarus Pits. There’s no need to worry about this fucking nerd, Jason notes with a small hint of fondness.

At the end of their little observatory tour, the glow around Danny starts to dim and his hair stops floating. The glowing of his freckles has also started to disappear, though he is still beaming.

Well, he’d call that a successful first date.

---

After their date, Jason brings Danny back to his apartment on his motorcycle. Once they’ve arrived and Danny is about to leave, Jason blurts something out.

“Oh wait! Before you go…”

Danny looks at him questioningly.

“Can I have your number?” he quickly asks, glad that his helmet is obscuring his reddened face.

He watches the way Danny lights up, his cheeks dusted light pink.

“Ah, uh. Sure!” the space nerd stammers.

Jason takes out a pen that he totally hadn’t taken with him just for this occasion and hands it over. Danny takes the pen and pauses, looking Jason in his Red Hood outfit over, before taking a gentle hold of Jason’s hand.

He glances up at Jason with a questioning glance, asking if he’s okay with this. Jason gives him a nod, that he really hopes doesn’t come over as too eager, in return.

Either way, it seems to be enough for Danny, who then proceeds to move down Jason’s glove a bit and write down his number on Jason’s hand.

Once he’s done, he puts the glove back in place and hands the pen back. Danny’s face is red and he’s grinning. Cute… Jason stays silent, not trusting his voice, and nods in thanks.

“So, I’ll uh see you�� next time?” He asks, hope lacing his voice.

Again, Jason just nods in response.

“Great! Cool cool cool. Uh, yeah, uh Toodaloo Kangaroo?” He ends his statement with an awkward grin and finger guns, stumbling when he tries to walk backward.

Fuck me.

He watches as Danny rubs the back of his neck sheepishly before waving him goodbye and turning around, making his way into the apartment complex.

Jason keeps his eyes on Danny as he watches him disappear into the building before tugging off his glove and lowering his gaze to the phone number scrawled on his hand.

He swallows as he realizes that oh, he’s in deep.

[farity]

Obsession, part 3

I spend the day wondering if I should take up Aegon Targaryen on his offer. Mainly because I think it would piss Aemond off. On the other hand, it would piss Aemond off and at this point I just want to be done with him.

Or so I keep telling myself.

To be honest, I can't stop thinking about the way the muscles on his thighs looked in those dress pants, the way his long fingers wrapped around the steering wheel, and the way his neck looks, ready for my teeth to sink into the pale skin while I ride him.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

The man is clearly bad news. I've already scheduled a locksmith to replace the lock on my front door and add a security something or other that you can track on an app.

The dig I took at him about his sister's dating clearly hurt. I can't imagine. They can keep the money and the power if the trade off is that you can't see whoever you want. Who wants to be part of something like that? Always looking over your shoulder, always having to run a potential date by your family? Fuck that.

And the nerve to tell me I could do better than my job? Who the fuck does he think he is? Like he could ever have a job not involving his family. I bet that shit wouldn't be "allowed".

I'm going to stop thinking about all the Targaryens and be glad that I am a nobody having a boring life.

* * * * *

"I know something you don't know."

Aemond rolled his eye at his brother. "Is it that I'm going to punch you in the face if you don't shut the fuck up?"

"Jeez, Aemond, you really ought to get laid more often, have that anger fucked out of you." Aegon didn't have to turn and look to know Aemond was flipping him off. "Where are you going?"

Helaena walked past her brothers, turning around with a huff. "I'm going to the immersive bug exhibit at the natural museum. I'm on their VIP list so I get to go an hour before it opens to the public. Anything else you want to know? Or is that not allowed, Aemond?"

Both brothers stared at their usually docile sister. Aegon gave her a thumbs up, and Aemond nodded. "Make sure you take-"

"Yes, Aemond, both of the guys are going with me." She rolled her eyes and walked toward the door, where the two bodyguards assigned to her were already waiting.

"Is she getting more loopy?" Aegon asked after his sister had left, "because an immersive bug exhibit sounds like a fucking nightmare."

While Aemond continued looking for something on his phone, Aegon smiled to himself. "Anyway, I am going to have a very interesting lunch."

"What's her name?" Aemond asked automatically.

Aegon laughed, and kept laughing, and laughed some more as he walked out, leaving a very annoyed Aemond behind.

* * * * *

You walked into the outrageously expensive bistro, full of slimy tech bros and cougars looking for their next meal, and saw Aegon waving you over. He was shorter than Aemond, with a prettier face, and much more mischief in his eyes.

"You made it!" he called out, drawing the attention of several tables, and then, the motherfucker had the gall to take your hand and kiss it, in the middle of the fucking dining room.

He looked up, barely containing a smile, and you narrowed your eyes at him.

"Just water, please," you said to the server.

"Well, that's no fun," Aegon smiled.

You smiled back. "I am going back to work."

He looked at you like he had no idea what you were talking about before taking a sip of his wine.

"So, why did you want to have lunch?"

"Can't a guy want to have lunch with the Lady and Savior of his younger sister? You wound me, you truly do."

The server brought a basket of bread and some piped rosettes of butter and you immediately began to help yourself.

Aegon sighed. "You must be the last woman on this realm who eats bread. Marry me. Marry me before that imbecile brother of mine knows what's good for him."

"Charming proposal, but no. Why are we having lunch?"

Gods, the bread was amazing.

"What's that saying, the enemy of my enemy is my friend?" He accepted a piece of buttered bread you offered and popped it in his mouth.

"If you're referring to Aemond as your enemy, I don't think I want any part of this," you replied, grabbing a second piece of bread.

Aegon swallowed, considered your words, drank some more wine. "We're not enemies, but he's a twat, we can all agree on that," he scoffed. "But in this family, sometimes you have to be. And the whole thing with Helaena has shaken him."

You looked at him and nodded. "I thought that was a daily occurrence for- for some people." You had caught the two guys on the table behind Aegon keeping an eye. And the guy sitting outside. And the guy sitting in the waiting area.

"Not for us," he said quietly. "I mean, there is always danger, but that was pretty fucking brazen."

The server brought the menus and you chose a burger with all the works and fries on the side. Aegon chose a huge slab of meat and more wine.

"Look," he said thoughtfully, "Helaena has spent her life being isolated, first by mom, and now by Aemond, and I don't blame her being bitter about it." He watched you for a few seconds, and you nearly started to feel around your face in case you had something stuck somewhere. "My gut tells me you're okay, so I would like for you to accept Helaena's lunch invitation."

"And if I don't?"

Aegon put his hands up defensively. "If you don't, you don't. All I'm saying is, she's cool, in her own bizarre way, and instinct tells me that you're a nice person who happened to save my sister's life."

"I bet he loves that."

Aegon raised an eyebrow.

You smiled. "I bet Aemond loves that you go by your gut and your instinct."

"Well, he would do the same," he replied, "except he has that huge pole up his ass."

He had a very, very nice ass.

The server returned with your food, and you wondered if they were this fast with everyone's orders or just the Targaryens.

"Will there be anything else, sir?"

Aegon shook his head and began cutting into this meat. "As much grief as I give him, Aemond has a big responsibility on his shoulders."

Broad and lean at the same time.

"He was pretty young when he took over security, and frankly, he's brilliant at it. He's yanked me out of some dicey spots when I hadn't even noticed anything was going on. His hands are full with us."

Oh yes, those long fingers.

"Aare you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am."

"Uh-huh."

I'm not fantasizing about your horrible, yet extremely hot brother at all.

"I will think about it," you said, non-committally.

"Excellent," he said, and made a circling motion in the air which had the server rushing over with a container to throw the huge slab of meat in. "I have to go, doll, it was delightful meeting you."

"Wait, what?"

"Go ahead and stay, everything is taken care of."

He walked out followed by seven men from various tables around you. If people noticed, they pretended not to, and you looked down at your burger wondering what the hell you had just kind-of agreed to.

* * * * *

"She's so cute, Aemond!" Aegon elbowed his brother as he walked by, and found himself on the end of several curious stares.

"Who is?" Helaena chirped up. "Are you dating someone?"

Aegon barked out a laugh. "Oh gods, no, him, dating? No, I mean the girl that's turned you upside down. Your coffeeshop savior, Hel."

Aemond closed his eye and let out a long, annoyed breath. "Please tell me you didn't."

"If you ask me-"

"I didn't."

"If you ask me," Aegon insisted, "she's kind of sweet on you, too."

Only Helaena's excited gasp and little clap broke the silence. "You two would be so cute together!"

Aemond turned sharply, almost snarling at his sister's choice of words. "No."

"Call her up, Hel, I'm sure she'd love to hang out. You can bring her here so that this one doesn't have to worry about you going out."

Helaena rushed out of the living room, no doubt headed to her room to call the girl.

"Aegon, what the fuck are you doing?"

Aegon smiled, then pointed at himself with an incredulous gesture. "Moi?"

"That girl has nothing to do with us, and that's a good thing."

"You know, as smart as you are, you can be a real idiot sometimes. " He leaned back, put his earbuds in, and closed his eyes while Aemond shook his head.

* * * * *

What does one wear to go have lunch with a Mafia princess?

Not heels, that's for sure. Just in case.

I fucking know better but she sounds like such a sweetheart and honestly, she was just going to insist, so we'll have lunch, and then I'll be busy forever, and that will be the end of this fucking bullshit.

There is a knock on my door. Helaena said someone would pick me up and she said her favorite movie was the code in case I wanted to confirm, but that I wouldn't really need to.

Whatever that meant.

Of course, I realize what she meant when I opened the door and Aemond Targaryen himself is standing there. He gives me a look and I'm immediately pissed off.

"What, you couldn't pick the lock this time?"

He smirks. "I didn't want you to have to get yet another one. This kind isn't bad."

"Good."

"It isn't very good, either. You ready?"

Just for kicks, I ask him. "What's her favorite movie?"

Aemond rolls his eye at me, which pleases me greatly. "A Bug's Life."

"Very good," I say condescendingly, and close the door behind me.

He opens the door for me and I get in. The car has a dashboard that I thought only existed in airplanes. Or space shuttles. I'm looking at over a hundred buttons, none of them labeled, and Aemond says nothing.

"Huh," I say casually, "is this the new Batmobile?"

He says nothing and I smile to myself.

He drives for a while and I try my best to examine him without looking at him directly, which is a lot more difficult than I thought. He's wearing all black, a simple long sleeve t-shirt and trousers, nothing fancy about either but you know they're made from the finest wool or cotton or whatever. Maybe they even have their own farm where virgins water the animals with their tears and fabric is made by nuns from some convent where no one ever speaks. His clothes look expensive, his fucking hair, that weird-ass shade of pale, pale grey that is almost white, looks like it was cut strand by strand. He probably uses Kerastase or some expensive shit like that.

The roads get quieter, the houses more sparse, and finally he speaks.

"I really appreciate you having lunch with Helaena. She's looking forward to it."

I want to snap at him. I want to say something vile like, isn't your poor sister allowed to have friends without running it past you? but I don't. She's none of my business. He's none of my business. And the sooner I can be done with the goddamn Targaryens, the better.

"Don't worry, we're not going to be besties or anything," I say because I can't help myself. "I'll have lunch with her and then we can be done."

Even though he has barely spoken during the drive, he goes so quiet that I have to glance at him to make sure he's still breathing. "Done?"

"Yeah, I'm sure she's nice but I want nothing to do with any of you so from-"

He swerves to the right on the empty road and I shriek, putting my hands out to steady myself and he stops the car on the side of the road. "Say that again."

"What the fuck?"

"Say that again." He whirls on me and the fury in his eye is making me regret my choice of words. Because I'm alone in a car with him.

"Look, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with all of you, but I like my life the way it is, and I don't want whatever crazy shit goes on in your world to-"

"Say you want nothing to do with me."

I realize then that it's not fury in his eye, and for a moment, I almost feel bad for him.

And then that goes away.

"I want nothing to do with you," I say, looking at the space between us.

Slowly, his hand moves over to grab my face, turning it to face him. "Say it like you fucking mean it." His eye is on my mouth and although his touch is gentle, I shiver.

I open my mouth and he licks his lips, watching. "Aemond."

"Say it," he whispers.

I can't. I am not sure who reaches forward first but then we're kissing like the world is ending and his tongue is in my mouth, and he tastes like mint and spices and I want more.

He pulls me onto his lap and I straddle him, and his hands, those hands I have dreamed about are on my ass, cupping and kneading and it feels so damn good that I start rocking my hips against him.

Aemond grabs my hips and stops my movements and I pull away from the kiss.

"We're not fucking in this car," he says. "not the first time, anyway." He is struggling to slow down his breathing, and I can't help but smile.

"You presume too much," I say.

One of his hands moves to just inside the waistband of my leggings. "If I were to reach down in here, would I find you wet for me?"

By the motherfucking Seven.

When I say nothing, he brushes his lips over mine one last time. "I do not presume." He moves me back to my seat and I still say nothing, shocked that I wanted him so badly. Shocked that I want him even more now.

He starts the car again and drives the rest of the way to the Targaryen estate.

My mouth still tingles from our kiss and I don't know how the hell I'm going to do as I've sworn and be done with the Targaryens when I want this man sitting next to me more than I've wanted anyone in the last- gods, in fucking ever?

We pull up and the gate opens, then we drive for another five minutes through impeccably manicured fields until we reach the main driveway. He stops before we make the final turn and I steel myself, but he simply caresses the back of my hair. "If I thought for a moment that you didn't want me back, I wouldn't bother. I would let you go." He keeps running his hand down the back of my head and it's almost hypnotic, the way I want to just lean back and close my eyes. "But I can't. Not unless you tell me you don't want me."

"I want to have chocolate all day long. But I don't. Because it's not good for me. Just because I want it doesn't mean I will indulge."

Aemond smiles softly. "Do you really think, for one moment, that you would be good for me? I'm already-" he stops himself and turns back to the wheel, and keeps driving. When we get to the front doors, beautifully carved out of dark wood, he stops and one of the doors opens and Helaena stands there grinning and I can't help but smile back at her.

"Thank you for driving me. I will be taking an Uber back home," I say before I get out.

* * * * *

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strawberry wine - joel miller x ofc!liv stone/fem!reader

after - part twenty-four

series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3

for one of you, it’s the end of the road.

a/n:like….y’all know what’s coming. it hurts me. it hurt to write, and I contemplated doing something else, but this is where we ended up. my askbox is open so we can cry together 🤍

word count: 9.2k

warnings: no new territory here, yes I cried writing it

✨@friskito-library for updates on new parts/works✨

“It looks like a fucked-up moon,” the kid says, and Joel hears your quiet agreement. It’s muffled, his right ear contorting the noise, but when he turns towards you, there’s a touch of fear in your face, and without a second thought, he reaches out his hand. “Is this where they bombed?”

You take it, swallowing hard before telling Ellie, “Yeah, they hit most of the big cities like this, shortly after Outbreak Day. They hoped it would slow the spread, and well, it worked here, but in a lot of other places, they weren’t so lucky.”

“Were you all here,” she presses, staring down into the sinkhole you’re standing in front of, “when it happened?”

Joel slides his eyes to yours, seeing the uncomfortable look on your face. “Tess and I weren’t, Liv was.” He squeezes your hand. “Let’s just get a move on, yeah? Lotsa destruction between here and the State House.”

Joel knows how strong you are. He knows you’re a badass, that you make every single person — soldier, smuggler, it doesn’t matter — think twice before fucking with you. But, you’re human. And while he knows you’ve put on a brave face when you’ve been forced to take paths through the city that lead right past the bomb sites, talking about it is another thing entirely.

(With the exception of the one time you accidentally walked past the bookstore you’d been trapped inside when they first bombed. Joel nearly had to carry you back to the QZ.)

Ellie asks a lot of questions as you walk, mostly about Boston outside the QZ, and you being the only one of them to live there pre-outbreak, field most of them. It’s innocent, mainly, the curiosity evident in the young girl’s tone, and for you, it seems to prove as a good distraction.

Your panic, when the radio had gone off last night, Joel knows it well. It’s the same fear, the same twist of panic Joel has felt every day since Tommy stopped answering. But, Ellie seems to distract you enough, even making you laugh a few times, and in a strange, fucked-up way, Joel’s grateful.

Even Tess falls into step with the two of you, listening in on your answers about the baseball stadium and the toppled building you used to work in, which you point out as you walk. Joel keeps himself on your left, but turns his head towards you, listening too. 

Finally, you come around the corner where once upon a time, you would have had a straight shot to the State House.

“It’s right through there,” you tell Ellie, pointing at the crumbled building that’s filling the road in front of you. “We could see it, standing right here, up until five years ago.”

“They bombed again?” Ellie asks, her voice hitching.

You shake your head. “No, but the buildings can only take so much. A few of them toppled the night of the bombings, some days later. I watched two of them crash into each other right after the QZ wall was built.” You drop your eyes to your boots, and Joel doesn’t miss the way you shake your head slightly. “Anyway. It would take us ten minutes, if this wasn’t in the way.”

“So, what do we…?” Ellie trails off, her brow furrowing.

“Long way or short way?” Joel asks, looking between you and Tess.

Tess sighs. “Well, it’s the long way or the ‘we’re fucking dead’ way.”

“I vote long way,” Ellie says quickly, “just based on that limited information.”

You rub your hand over the back of your neck. “Hotel first, we need to check it from up high.”

Joel nods in agreement. “Let’s go.”

+

You take the lead, turning down one block that leads towards one of the still-standing sky bridges. It loops around the city, takes you back toward the hotel, where you need to be. As you walk, Joel hangs back, pulling up the rear while Tess ends up a few yards ahead of you, leaving you and Ellie in the middle. You shoot Joel a look, touching your hand to your ear, but he just shakes his head. “It’s okay.”

Ellie seems intent to keep a bit more space between you today than she had last night, and you can’t say you blame her. She seems tense, her shoulders bunched around her ears, but she keeps her pace with yours as you walk around the long-abandoned cars that cover the sky bridge.

“Where the fuck are they already?” she asks, her anxiety clear in her tone.

“You’ll know it,” you tell her, swinging the bat up to rest it on your shoulder, “when they’re close. Trust me, you’ll know.”

“I didn’t know last time,” she replies, and the way she says the words makes you pause. You didn’t know either. It came out of fucking nowhere, and everything was different, all in one instant.

“How did you get bit?” you ask, curiosity getting the better of you. “If you want to tell me, that is.”

She huffs a little breath before, “You know the old mall in the QZ?”

You can’t hold back your bark of laughter, tilting your head back. “The mall. You mean the mall that’s been sealed off and boarded up almost twenty years now? The one no one’s supposed to go in ever?” You turn to look at her, a nearly conspiratorial grin on your face. “That one?”

The kid almost cracks a smile; you can see it. “Yeah, whatever. I snuck in. I just wanted to see what it was like. Didn’t think there was gonna be anything in there, and then one just came at me outta nowhere. Thought I got away, but…”

She trails off, squinting off into the distance and you stop a second, seeing Joel do the same over your shoulder. “Wait, so it was just you in there? By yourself?”

“Yeah,” she says, almost too quickly, but when her eyes lift to yours, you can tell she’s about done with this conversation.

“How old are you?” you ask.

“Fourteen.”

“Damn,” you mutter, shaking your head. “Y’know, you couldn’t pay me to set foot in that mall. You got some balls, kid.”

The grin is almost imperceptible, but it’s there. “Thanks.”

“C’mon,” Tess calls to you, standing on top of a flipped car. “This one’s stable enough.”

You watch Ellie clamber on top of the car, holding her arms out for balance before she drops down on the other side. Joel moves up beside you, offering his hand. “Y’okay?” he asks as you put your palm in his, using him as leverage to get up onto the car.

“As good as I can be,” you answer, stepping across the car’s rusted axle, dropping down into the spot Ellie had. You watch him climb up and over, almost catching him as he drops down. “How’s the hand?”

“Fine,” he replies, the word almost a grunt. “I just want this over with.”

“I know,” you nod, rubbing your hand over your forehead. “We all do.”

You walk a bit longer before Tess turns back, addressing Ellie. “Nobody’s gonna be coming after you, right? Mom, Dad, boyfriend?”

“I’m an orphan,” Ellie answers, and something in you twinges. “And…no.” The group of you go quiet for a moment, but then Ellie has more to say. “Everyone said the open city was crazy. Like, swarms of Infected running around everywhere.”

You and Joel move a little closer, and Joel actually laughs. “Not exactly like that.”

“People like to tell stories,” you say, the three of you falling into step together, Tess a step ahead. “Trying to discourage idiots like us from sneaking out of the QZ.”

“So there aren’t super-Infected that explode fungus spores on you?” she asks, and for a moment, she sounds so much like a little kid you can’t help laughing again.

“Shit, I hope not,” Tess calls, her tone sarcastic.

“Or ones with split-open heads that see in the dark like bats?”

That has you all quiet. No laughter to be heard. You, Joel, and Tess all share a look. Do you confirm Ellie’s fears, tell her they’re real? Make her more scared than she already is? 

You’re about to say it — Those exist. Clickers. And if you ever see one, run as fast as you goddamned can. — when a loud yell echoes through the city, making you all stop in your tracks.

“What was that?” Ellie asks, and she looks terrified all over again.

You all pause, eyes sweeping in each direction, waiting for something, or someone, to come running at you, or for another yell to echo out. When nothing comes, Joel puts his hand on your shoulder. “Let’s keep movin’.”

+

When your smuggling became more localized in Boston, the hotel became a base camp of sorts. The structure was still mostly intact, safe enough to scout out up high, and it gave you a good vantage point to see the different routes through the city, what was safe, what wasn’t.

Nature’s done its best to take over the lobby, the sunken floor turned into a habitat for ducks and frogs and the odd fish. Not the most convenient, since the stairs upward were across the miniature lake, and something about wet socks made you more squeamish than some Infected. 

Joel pries the sliding doors apart, the group of you enter the lobby, and Ellie’s awe is renewed. “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” She looks at you over her shoulder. “You ever stay in a place like this?”

“Stayed here once, actually,” you tell her, sliding the bat across your shoulders, looping your wrists over it. Joel looks at you with a raised brow. “Dean.”

“Who’s Dean?” she asks, looking between you and Joel.

“Just some dead guy,” Joel retorts. “How do you even know what this place is?”

“Have you ever heard of books?” Ellie throws back.

Joel rolls his eyes, starting to descend the steps, and you start to follow.

There’s more panic in Ellie’s voice. “Wait, are we going in there?”

“Yeah,” Tess replies, nodding her chin to the stairs across the pond. “We gotta get to the stairwell on the other side.”

She looks at you, backing away slowly. “Well, I…I don’t know how to swim.”

“Seriously?” Joel grumbles.

“You think we have pools in the QZ?”

“No, smart ass,” he quips, and hops off the lowest step, landing completely in the water with a little splash, showing Ellie that it doesn’t even reach his waist.

“I don’t know how I was supposed to know that.”

You shake your head. “C’mon. I hate this part.” You grit your teeth as soon as your boots hit the water, your socks instantly soaked, jeans clinging to your legs. You walk quickly, catching up to Joel, lily pads and plants floating out of your way as you go.

“This is so gross,” Ellie says, a little bit behind you. “Hey, check it out!” You turn to see her heading for what used to be the front desk, you and Joel pausing to watch her. “Ding, ding! Yes, sir, I would like your finest room please!” Her voice drops. “Yes, ma’am, would you like me to take your luggage? Yes ma’am, right away, ma’am, I’m—”

“You’re a weird kid,” Joel says bluntly, letting out a low oomph when you elbow him in the ribs.

“You’re a weird kid,” Ellie repeats, grabbing hold of one of the luggage carts and pushing it through the water. “Oh fuck!” she shouts as she moves past the end of the desk, and you see a skull flop forwards. She all but leaps backward, landing on the grand piano behind her, the instrument making a watery noise as she hits the keys. “Oh my god.”

Joel moves from your side to wade around the piano, and you see him lift his boot, nudging at the very dead skeleton.

“Sorry,” Ellie says, and takes Joel’s hand when he offers it. He pulls her to her feet, and as soon as she’s upright, wrenches his hand away. His eyes flick to yours as she moves away from him, heading towards where Tess is now standing on the staircase.

“You okay?” you ask as she wades past you.

“Yep,” she replies, both of you stepping up to the stairs, your jeans and boots dripping water as you go. “Fucking fabulous.”

The stairs are hell. Fucking hell. Your joints creak with every step, and you have to reach out and grab the back of Joel’s belt for support at one point. He leads the group of you up, the rifle held high, Ellie and Tess a few steps behind you.

When you finally reach the tenth floor, both you and Tess nearly collapse against the doorframe as Joel steps through, sweeping the hall with the rifle. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” you heave, leaning your weight on the bat for a second, sucking down oxygen.

“C’mon, it wasn’t that bad,” Ellie says, pushing between the two of you and into the hallway.

“You try climbing ten fuckin’ floors with our knees,” Tess tells her, pushing off the door. “See how you feel.”

Tess pushes past Ellie, following Joel down the hallway, and you bring up the rear this time, resting the bat on your shoulder, tightening your grip on the handle. It’s a familiar path towards the terrace you’ve used as your lookout point, but as you turn the corner, you hear Joel curse, and Tess, “Well, when the fuck did that happen?”

The way is blocked by rubble, giant pieces of concrete too big to move cutting the hallway short. There are a few doors on either side, and you and Tess try both, but they’re locked. You move closer to the rubble, inspecting the blockage. You can see daylight on the other side, and it looks mostly flat. “I’ll climb up there, see if there’s a way around, open it from the inside.”

“I’m the smallest,” Ellie says, stepping up beside you. “It would be easier for me to get through.”

“Yeah, and if you die, we get nothing,” Tess tells her, and moves toward the rubble. “Joel, stay with her. Liv, I’ll come with you.”

You look at Joel, who looks obviously annoyed to be left alone with Ellie yet again. “Give us a hand,” you tell him, and he grabs the kid by the handle of her backpack, moving her out of his way, earning an annoyed scoff from Ellie.

He helps Tess up first, then you, your climb up made easier between Tess’s offered hand and Joel’s support from below. “You good?” Joel calls, his voice bouncing off the concrete.

“Just fuckin’ peachy,” you call back as you and Tess start to slide through the opening in the rubble heading toward the daylight. You meet open air again, sucking down a breath that’s not filled with dust. It’s a bit of a mess, all broken rebar and shards of glass and more hunks of concrete. “It’s kind of fucked up here, we might be a minute.”

“Okay,” Joel calls back, but there’s a slight waver in his voice you know is meant just for you.

It used to be a suite, at the end of the hallway, with a balcony that lead out and around to a staircase that brought you up to the terrace. Now most of the wall is gone, letting the open air inside, and the balcony is definitely not stable enough for you to be walking on. While most of the drywall has crumbled away, there’s a semi-clear path to the staircase, now accessible through the wall instead of the balcony.

You kick pieces of glass out of your way, you and Tess moving towards the hole in the wall, which is partially blocked by the broken furniture still in the suite.

“So, are you gonna tell me what Robin said to you yesterday,” you ask Tess as you both grab hold of the mostly-broken headboard, “or do I have to guess?”

“God, would you drop that?” she grits, the two of you let the headboard topple over, now moved out of your way. “I don’t—”

“You said you won’t go back to Boston, that you’re done with it. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Tess? Just tell me what she said to you.”

“She asked for a second chance, Liv,” Tess admits finally, her tone exasperated, dropping her hands at her sides. “There, are you happy? She asked me to consider giving her a second chance, and then in the same fucking sentence, she said that if I turned you and Joel over to FEDRA, for the smuggling, if I let her lock you both up, that she’d set us up for life. Like every bad thing I ever did never happened.” Her voice is shaking. “And you wanna know the worst part? The most fucked up part of it all?”

You know what she’s gonna say. “You considered it.”

“I fucking considered it! For half a goddamned second, I considered it. And now here we are, helping the Fireflies, so I guess my second chance is blown to shit no matter what. I can’t go back to Boston, because if she finds out what I did, what we’re doing, then we’re all fucked. Okay? Are you happy now? Are you…” She trails off, tears on her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

You grab her by the front of her coat, pulling her into a tight hug. “No, fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push, I just—”

“Actually give a fuck about me?” Tess asks, giving a humourless laugh. “I just can’t wrap my brain around it. I was so in love with her. I was two feet deep, head over fucking heels, and she just…she’s a totally different person now, and it’s like she expected me to stay exactly the fucking same.” She pulls back, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I just…I wasn’t expecting it, y’know?”

You nod, moving towards the now accessible hole in the drywall. “You deserve better shit than that.” Tess moves to follow you and you glance at her over your shoulder. “You know, I never liked her all that much.”

Tess shoves your backpack lightly, making you both laugh. “You’re a fucking asshole,” she says, but it’s peppered with laughter, her tone a hell of a lot lighter. You continue up the stairs to the terrace, the rest of the path clear. “You told me you loved her.”

“She always said she liked my spaghetti just a little too much,” you say, pinching your fingers together. Tess steps beside you, her shoulder falling against yours as she laughs. “Like, I know my spaghetti is good but that seemed to be her entire range of conversation.”

Tess laughs again. “Your spaghetti is really fucking good.”

“I know it is!”

“You definitely know your way around a flourless noodle,” Tess tells you, and you laugh more, but it cuts short in your throat as you approach the edge of the terrace.

“Well, fuck.”

+

“What about that guy last night?” the kid asks.

His heart does something funny in his chest. It doesn’t skip, doesn’t stall, but something twinges, a memory pulled to the surface, a feeling poorly replicated.

There’s a God’s honest answer on the tip of his tongue when he hears the thump against the door beside Ellie, and Joel’s instincts instantly kick into gear. He lifts the rifle, and Ellie moves to his side of the hallway.

Then your voice rings out. “Joel, put the gun down. It’s me.”

There are more thumping and scraping noises before the door swings inward, and there you are. There’s concrete dust in your hair, a smear of dirt on your cheek, but you’re otherwise intact. The look on your face doesn’t exactly inspire confidence, however, and Joel’s spine tingles with anticipation.

“It’s bad, Joel.”

You push the door a little wider, enough for them to step through. Joel lets Ellie go first, letting you lead the way up the steps. The terrace looks mostly intact, the same as he remembers it. You step onto the patio space, finding Tess leaning against one of the pillars holding up the frame. Wordlessly, you pull back the thick plastic sheet covering the patio, letting Joel step through to the edge of the terrace, Ellie following after him.

There are hundreds of them. Hundreds of Infected, all sprawled out on the concrete below, twitching and snarling and writhing. Ellie steps up on the ledge of the railing, pulling herself up higher, and Joel hears her curse under her breath. “There’s so many.”

“The last time we were here,” you say, glancing at Joel, “they were still deep inside the buildings. But I guess, enough people coming through, looking for the QZ, either it drew them out, or people went inside, looking for shelter, and there you go.”

You all watch as the clouds pass overhead, the sunlight filtering down onto the horde, making them all twitch simultaneously, the snarling growing louder.

“They’re connected,” Ellie says, turning to look at you.

Joel meets your eyes over the top of the kid’s head, and you nod, your eyes cutting to hers. “More than you know. The fungus grows underground, too. Long fibres like wires, stretching out for miles. You step on a patch of cordyceps in one place, and you can wake a dozen Infected somewhere else. Now they know where you are, and now they come for you.” The kid looks away from you, her attention pulled back to the horde below. You shift closer, get closer until she looks back at you. “You are not immune from being ripped apart,” you tell her, and Joel ignores the chill that shoots down his spine at your words. “You understand that? This is important, Ellie. I’m trying to keep you alive.”

Ellie swallows hard, but nods before stepping off the ledge. “So, we’re not goin’ that way.”

“No,” Tess agrees, shaking her head.

“What do we do then?” Ellie asks, looking back at you. “Not the short way?”

Your eyes shift to Joel’s. He knows what you’re gonna say, beats you to the punch. “Museum.”

Ellie is mostly quiet as you leave the hotel, taking a back exit that doesn’t involve cutting through the pond in the lobby again. Quieter still as you make your way through the streets, Tess leading you towards the museum. Joel doesn’t miss the way the kid stays close to your side, and every once in a while, he sees her turn towards you, ask you something, and you give her a quick answer.

“Holy shit,” Ellie curses as you walk up to the museum. The building has definitely seen better days, and Joel can remember earlier runs, years ago, when the cordyceps that now covers the building like ivy didn’t exist, glass panes in the windows not yet cracked by the fungus. “You’ve been in here before?”

You nod as Joel steps past you. “There’s a way across on the top floor.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“It’ll be fine, kid.”

Joel crouches down, inspecting a thick strand of fungus that’s spread out on the ground. It’s paler than the rest, cracked in places, almost dusty. He prods at it with the end of the rifle, sinking back on his heels when it gives a satisfying crack.

“It’s bone dry,” he says, turning back to you, looking between you and Tess. “Could mean they’re all finally dead in there.”

You just nod, sinking down as Joel follows suit, swinging your bag from your shoulders. You pull out the bat, setting it on the ground as you unzip your bag and produce a flashlight. Ellie just sort of stares, seemingly confused before Joel cocks a brow. “Did Marlene pack you one of these,” he asks, waving his  own light in the air, “or just sandwiches?”

“Oh, yeah,” she replies, reaching for her own bag and pulling out a smaller light.

“Okay, rules,” you say, resting the bat on your shoulder, your flashlight slid into the strap of your bag. “Same as last night. You stay between us, we go slow, and if we come up against anything, you get behind and you hide until one of us comes to get you. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry. Liv.”

“Let’s go.”

Joel hefts the rifle, curling his knuckles around the gun, testing his bruised hand. Ellie looks between the three of you, Joel with the rifle, Tess with her pistol, you with the bat and a gun at your hip. “I have a spare hand,” she says.

“Congratulations,” Joel retorts, and pushes forward to the door, you falling into step behind him. He leans through, careful not to move the already half-open door, and glances around. Clear. He pulls back, nods for the rest of you to follow him.

It’s dark inside, the building rumbling with every step you take, dust falling from the ceiling. There seems to be more fungus than Joel remembers being inside, and every step is calculated, a glance between where his foot is and where it needs to be before he even moves an inch.

The beams of your flashlights sweep side to side, illuminating long-forgotten exhibits and statues. Joel steps towards what was once the gift shop, seeing what remains of a body plastered to the floor, heaps of fungus growing off of it, the only sign it was once a human being the trucker cap where the head was, two legs sticking out from behind. “Yeah,” Joel says quietly, moving the light around, seeing another half-body stuck against the wall. “Cooked.”

“Finally,” you breathe out, tilting your head back on your shoulders. “Some fucking luck.”

“We should have just come this way in the first place,” Tess says, but then Ellie rounds the corner, her flashlight landing on something unseen, and her exclaimed oh shit! makes you all step quickly. You swing the bat down from your shoulder as Joel crosses behind Ellie, ready to shoot.

There’s a person in the corner. A person, not Infected. Human features, not a scrap of fungus in sight, but…bloody. Bloody in the way only one kind of Infected can cause.

Fuck.

“What the fuck did that?” Ellie asks, pointing her light closer as you lower the bat, looking at Joel.

 Your voice has dropped beneath a whisper, barely audible, and Joel stares at your mouth as you speak. There’s fresh fear in your eyes, that kind of terror he’s only seen on a handful of occasions. “Maybe…maybe he was attacked outside and crawled through the door. It was open, it could have been him. I don’t hear anything.”

“What would you hear?” Ellie says, her volume too loud, and Joel grits his teeth, lifting his hand, shushing her silently. She drops her voice to match yours. “Are you saying an Infected did that? Because I’ve been attacked by one and it wasn’t like that.”

“Okay,” Joel whispers, “from this point forward, we are silent. Not quiet, silent.”

“What—” Ellie starts, but he shakes his head at her. 

“No. No questions, just do it.”

The kid looks at you, but then nods.

Joel pushes to the front, leading you toward the staircase. Again, he pauses with every step, makes sure not to step on a patch, alive or not, tries to plant his feet where the steps don’t creak as hard. You get halfway up the staircase when the building rumbles, a loud crash in a far corner, and dust flutters from the ceiling. He sweeps his light as you go, points out spots to step when you pause behind him. 

Crunch.

Joel spins back, pointing the light past you. Ellie’s stepped on the remains of an arm, the hand stuck out onto the step, the joints cracking beneath the weight of her foot. The sound seems to echo, and a moment after, more rumbling follows. But no screeches. You keep going.

The fungus clears up some as you head toward the door that’ll lead out. Independence Hall. The door creaks when Joel pushes it open, checking that the coast is clear before nodding back to you. Tess follows first, then Ellie, and there’s more rumbling, more—

With a loud crack, the ceiling above the door gives way, sending a flurry of wood and debris down, blocking the doorway. You shove Ellie forward, sending the kid sprawling across the ground with a muffled cry, you sliding down after her. Joel cringes at the noise, and as soon as the debris has settled, he steps forward, reaches for your arm while Tess reaches for Ellie.

“Okay?” he mouths, squeezing your bicep once you’re upright. There’s dust smeared on your cheek, and he wipes it away with his thumb. You just nod, give him a half-hearted thumbs up.

You all pause for a second, trying to catch your breath.

And a Clicker screeches, somewhere in the room.

Joel points his flashlight in the direction of the noise, you doing the same, Tess going the other direction. Silence. Then the clicking starts. It echoes through the room, sounding almost like the drip of a leaky faucet.

Ellie’s starting to panic. Joel can hear it in the way her breathing is growing quicker, and you all move backward, deeper into the room, hiding in a group of display cases. More clicking. Tess points her light in the direction you need to go, and the Clicker walks out.

Ugly motherfuckers.

More snarling, more clicking, and you spin, pointing your light over Joel’s shoulder. Another one.

You press yourselves against the glass of the display cases as one of the Clickers moves around the other side. Ellie looks like she’s about to pass out, and Joel catches her attention, tapping her arm. “They can’t see,” he mouths to her, waving a finger in front of his eyes before pointing to his ear, “but they can hear.”

The noises get closer, and Joel just looks at the kid, moves his finger to his lips. Quiet.

Behind Ellie, you’re holding your breath, both hands gripping the bat, and Tess has her face tipped toward the ceiling. Ellie’s shoulders shake, and the Clicker moves around the displays, almost stumbling across the floor in front of you.

Ellie shudders, the sound audible, and that God-awful face whips in your direction, the screech that follows making Joel’s ears ring. He pulls the trigger, firing the rifle as the Clicker lunges forward, grappling him. “Run!” he shouts, shoving the thing backward as the gun goes off again.

It descends into madness. Tess grabs Ellie and the two of them take off, sprinting in one direction, and you dive forward, swinging the bat at the Clicker’s knees as Joel tries to shove it back, losing the rifle in the process. More gunshots sound, and Joel hears Tess yell at Ellie to run.

Joel pushes the Clicker back hard enough to send it reeling, and you follow it with a hard smack to the head. It screams, presumably in pain, and the two of you take off, scrambling through the closest door. Joel pulls his pistol from the holster at his hip, fires over his shoulder, pushing you forward with his other hand. You run past one of those large marble busts on a pillar, and Joel watches you stop dead in your tracks, turning back to push it over, sending it crashing into the glass display on the wall before you’re grabbing his hand and pulling him further down the hallway. There’s another display at the corner, and you push it behind him, reaching for the pistol.

“Bullets?” you mouth.

“Coat pocket,” he mouths back.

You reach for his pocket, your flashlight illuminating the space between you. Clicking echoes, footsteps drawing closer, and your lashes flutter slightly as you fish out the bullets, sliding them into the chamber with shaking fingers. Another screech.

Joel clicks the chamber shut, and grabs your face with his free hand, forcing your eyes up to his. “Stay,” he tells you, and when your lips part to protest, he stops you with a soft kiss. When he pulls back, your brow is hard, but you nod.

Another step creaks the floorboards, and you lean out from behind the display, the beam of your flashlight landing on the approaching Clicker. You lift the bat, ready to swing, when something catches its attention, and its head snaps to the side, changing its trajectory.

You both turn, following the direction the Clicker had gone. Through the glass of more display cases, Joel can see Ellie crouched behind a lower one, her flashlight shooting beams across the floor. The Clicker veers off, not heading directly for her, but still getting too close for comfort.

You take a step forward, but Joel shoots his arm out, stopping you. “Stay.”

Slowly, Joel moves to the edge of the displays. He crouches low, drawing to the opposite side as Ellie’s attention snaps to him. More clicking. Her breathing is shallow, her eyes lined with tears that haven’t fallen. Joel looks at her, darts his eyes back to the display where you’re standing. The kid deflates with relief slightly, turning to follow Joel. He turns slowly, cringing with every snarl that echoes, takes a slow step that has his knees screaming in protest.

Crack.

He didn’t see the shard of glass on the ground. It splinters beneath his boot, the sound too loud.

Everything goes dead silent for a moment.

Screeeeeech.

The Clicker lunges clean over the display case Joel and Ellie are crouched behind, sending them both sprawling on their backs. Joel shoves his forearm against the thing’s chest, trying to keep the head as far away as possible, trying to keep himself away from its mouth. Ellie is screaming, shouting as she tries to push the thing back too.

You sprint into view, bat raised high, and as Joel manages to get a boot up and under, planted in the Clicker’s stomach, he shoves, and you swing. It screeches as the bat connects, but you don’t let up, swinging over and over until it stops moving.

Tess comes sprinting back to where you’re all standing, the second Clicker chasing after her. You grab her, pulling her behind you as the Clicker stumbles forward. There’s an ancient-looking axe embedded in the thing’s ear. Joel lifts his pistol, and empties the chamber, firing over and over and over until it also stops moving.

You’re all breathing heavy, fear in every face Joel looks at. You reach a hand out and he takes it, pulling you to his side. “You all right?”

“Yeah,” you reply, nodding quickly. “Tess?”

“Twisted ankle,” she replies, “but yeah.”

“Ellie?”

“Well, I didn’t shit my pants, so there’s that,” she says, and Joel sees the corner of your mouth twitch. But then the kid yanks up her sleeve, revealing a smear of blood around teeth marks in her forearm, right below her healed bite. “You fucking kidding me?” She sighs. “I mean, if it was gonna happen to one of us.”

Joel’s gut twists. A single bite is one thing; you’re proof enough. But two? What if—

“Hey,” you call, pulling him out of his thoughts, “let’s get the fuck out of here, yeah?”

You grab Ellie by her unbitten arm and make your way across the room to the window that leads out. Joel slides it open, holding it up for the three of you to climb through. Tess grunts as she slides onto her ass, pulling her boot off her injured foot. You swing your bag from your shoulder, fish out a rag from your first aid supplies, handing it to Ellie. “Put this around your arm.”

“Thanks.” The kid wanders away towards the ladder that’s balanced between the museum and the next building, pieces of wood spread across it. “Over there?”

“Yeah,” Joel answers, watching you pull a roll of electrical tape from the bag. The closest thing you have to a tensor bandage or a splint, right now. “I know it looks scary.”

“That was scary,” Ellie calls back, stepping onto the ladder. “This is wood.”

The three of you just watch as she walks across, her arms held out for balance. Joel hears you exhale when she reaches the other side. “Just wait there,” he calls. “Give us a minute.”

You pull on the electrical tape, unfurling the roll some, and Tess lifts her foot, wincing as you start to wrap the tape around her sock. Your hands are shaking, the roll falling sideways, twisting the tape once, and Joel reaches a hand out. “Let me.”

“I got it,” you shoot back, your eyes glued to the task at hand.

Joel sinks back, reaching for his own bag, checking if any of the bullets he has left will fit the rifle. The clip’s almost out. “There’s probably more ahead.”

“And we’ll deal with it when we get there,” you mutter, your eyes still down. Your hands shake harder, the tape falling from your grip again, and Joel reaches forward once more. “Joel, I got it.”

“What about the kid?” he asks, glancing between the two of you. “I mean, the first bite didn’t take, but what about the second? We are out of our league here.”

“God, you can’t ever just take the good news, can you?” Tess snaps, making both of you flinch. “Is it so hard to think that for once, we might actually do something right? That we might get exactly what we want? Fucking Christ, Joel.”

Your brow furrows slightly as you finish wrapping her ankle. “Tess.”

“Just go watch the kid, would you?” she spits, pushing your hands away when you reach for her. “I need a goddamn minute.”

Joel grabs the rifle from where he’d set it down, rising to his feet. He offers you his hand, hauling you up too. When he steps toward the ladder, you don’t follow, and when he looks back, you shake your head. “You go, I’ll catch up.”

“Liv,” Tess starts, but you wave your hand at Joel.

“Go.”

+

You cross the ladder a few minutes later, resisting the urge to sigh too loudly at Tess’s excuses, or lack thereof.

I just needed a goddamn minute.

We all need a goddamn minute, Tess. What—

Just stop, Liv. Please. That’s enough.

You’re all shaken. There’s no getting around that. You can count on one hand the number of times you’ve encountered a Clicker, but it doesn’t matter. You could fight a million and the fear would feel fresh, every single goddamned time.

Heart still racing in your chest, you quick-step across the ladder, the bat held in your grip, and as you touch down on the building on the other side, you slide it between the straps of your bag, rounding the corner to the remaining fire escape that’ll take you back down to street level.

Joel and Ellie stand towards the edge, both of them staring out at the landscape before you. Despite the destruction, there’s no denying how beautiful it is. The State House looms in the distance, a final marker, a landing point. You step up to Joel’s side, curling your hand around his wrist. He jumps, but softens when he sees you standing there, subconsciously leaning into you.

You look at Ellie. She still seems a little shocked, but mostly okay, the rag you’d handed her haphazardly tied around her arm. “You okay, kid?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” she answers, a touch of a smile on her lips as she nods.

The three of you turn as Tess rounds the corner, her steps heavy and echoing as she pushes through you and heads to the ladder. “Let’s go, before it gets dark.”

She grunts loudly as she swings herself onto the ladder, putting weight on her bad ankle. She disappears down the ladder, and Ellie looks at Joel, who just nods toward it. “Go on.”

It’s only a fraction of a moment, but as Ellie disappears after Tess, you see Joel’s eyes dip to his watch, his wrist twisting until the cracked face is tilted towards him.

You know what the watch means to him. You know why he won’t take it off, and you’ve never even dreamed of trying to find him a replacement. It pulls at something, something you’re not quite sure of yet, something that feels completely foreign to you.

“C’mon,” Joel says, leaning over to peck your temple before stepping towards the ladder. “You first, I’m right behind you.”

Despite her foot, Tess continues to lead, and you don’t miss the way she’s putting a healthy amount of space between herself and the rest of you. Ellie falls into step in the middle, you and Joel bringing up the rear. Long-parked cars flank either side of the road, every tree and shrug overgrown, most of the vehicles covered with vines, plants sprouting up through the engines.

“What’d she say to you?” Joel asks as the State House grows closer and closer. He juts his chin towards Tess.

“She’s shaken,” you say, sucking your teeth. “We all are, but…”

“But what?”

You recount what Robin had said to Tess, watching the anger flicker through his features. “That’s why she said she won’t go back to Boston. Not that I blame her.”

“I gotta—” Joel starts, trying to move towards Tess, but you grab his arm, pulling him back to your side.

“Joel, don’t. She doesn’t want to talk about it. I barely got it out of her, and then the museum…she just needs a sec.”

He grits his teeth, the muscle in his jaw ticking. “I never liked her. Robin, I mean.”

You actually crack a smile at that, sliding your arm through his. “That’s what I said!”

A few more minutes of walking, and you’re in front of the State House. It looks similar to the museum, in a way, but the structure is wrapped more with ivy than with fungus. Most of the windows are smashed, and in front of the building, is a truck. Repurposed by the Fireflies, stolen from FEDRA; you can see the paint streaks on the doors, covering up the logo. You’re surprised the little bug isn’t painted in its place.

“Where the fuck are they?” Tess grits out, and Ellie shoots you a look, her eyes wide with panic again.

“Wait here with Tess,” you tell her, and pull your pistol from its holster. Joel moves with you, lifting the rifle as you approach the truck. You reach for the handle of the door, waiting for Joel’s nod before you yank it open. He lifts the rifle, finger twitching at the trigger, but it’s empty. The blood you see on the inside of the door isn’t fresh.

You turn back to Tess and Ellie, holding up your hand. “Stay there.”

Slowly, you and Joel circle the truck, guns raised. The fuel tank is riddled with bullet holes, and there’s the buzz of insects, a body trapped beneath the wheels, long dead. Your gut rolls with the stench, and you hold your breath as you keep moving, back toward the rear of the truck.

“On three,” Joel murmurs, both of you reaching for the doors. “One…two…”

You pull the doors open simultaneously, both of you pointing your guns inside. Nothing. It’s empty.

“Joel!” Tess calls. “Liv!” A moment later, she rounds the truck, Ellie a half-step behind her. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know,” Joel says, and you shake your head.

“Fucking Marlene,” you grit out, but then Ellie tugs on your jacket sleeve, pointing to drips of blood leading up the stairs.

“They went inside.”

“Come on,” Tess spits, and grabs Ellie by the arm, dragging her quickly up the steps.

“Tess!” you shout, running after her as she wrenches the door to the State House open and pushes Ellie in front of her, lifting her gun as the door bangs shut.

You’re through it a moment later, Joel at your heels, both of you with your guns raised, running after where Tess and Ellie have come to a stop in the middle of the large room.

Fuck.

“Holy shit.”

“Oh my god.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Joel murmurs.

There are bodies, at least six or seven of them. Fireflies, you assume, glancing around, taking in the work lights, the boxes of supplies, the large barrels of gas. The tang of blood in the air is at least better than the rotting body outside, and from the corner of your eye, you see Joel pull Ellie away when she steps too close to one of the bodies.

Meanwhile, Tess is in full panic mode. “I mean, there’s gotta be a, a fucking radio or something, right?” she says to no one in particular, and starts rummaging through the boxes.

“Did FEDRA kill them?” Ellie asks Joel, who shakes his head, planting his boot on the body and rolling it over.

“No,” he grits out. “One of them got bit. The healthy ones fought the sick ones, and everybody lost.” He turns to you. “This isn’t good.” He looks past you. “Tess, what are you doing?”

Tess comes barrelling around one of the pillars, a slightly wild look in her eye as she moves toward Ellie. “Where did Marlene say she was taking you?” she asks, and when the kid doesn’t answer right away, she barks her name.

“Uh, I don’t know,” Ellie answers, and Tess spins to look at you. Your brow furrows at her heaving breaths, the even wilder look in her eye. “Just west.”

“Fuck,” Tess curses, and heads for one of the bodies, crouching down. “Okay. One of them has gotta have a map on them, right?” She looks at you over her shoulder again. “Liv, would you help me?”

“Tess, stop it,” you call, rubbing your hand across your brow. “This is over, we need to…”

Joel catches your hand, squeezing. “We need to go back.”

You shake your head. “We can’t go back, Joel. We have to go to Lincoln, we have to…” You drop his hand, stepping back, your mind whirling. You move towards where Tess is crouched over one of the dead Fireflies, reaching a hand towards her. “Tess, you…you need to go back. I don’t fucking care what Robin said to you, you go back. You go back and you tell her whatever the fuck you have to. You go home.”

“That is not my fucking home!” Tess yells, her voice bouncing off the walls of the State House. You flinch back, and Joel’s right there, his hand curling around your upper arm.

Tess lets out a little sigh as she gets to her feet, her eyes darting around as she takes a half-step toward you. “I’m staying,” she breathes out, and her eyes are watery as she looks at you, then at Joel. “I mean…our luck had to run out sooner or later.” She shuffles forward another step, grabs your hand. “If you ever end up in Boston again, tell Robin that I still loved her, all right? Tell her I never stopped.”

“No,” you say, something between realization and fear settling over you, making your heart race. You pull away from her, falling back against Joel. “What are you saying? No. We’ll take Ellie, we’ll go to Lincoln and we’ll figure it out, but you, you go back to the QZ. You tell her yourself, and just—”

“Oh shit,” Ellie says behind you. Both you and Joel whip your heads in her direction, your breathing going shallow. “She’s Infected.”

You turn back to Tess, going to take a step forward, but Joel has a vicelike grip on your arm, keeping you in place. Tess scoffs, clearly impressed that Ellie figured it out.

“Show me,” you say, pulling against Joel’s hold. He won’t relent. “Show me, Tess.”

She takes a step forward, and Joel hauls you back. Tess sighs, the noise as shaky as you feel. She lifts her hand, pulls the collar of her jacket away, pushing her hair back at the same time. It’s right at her neck, above her collar, the jagged ring of teeth leaving her skin dark like a bruise, still bloody in some spots, and the spindly veins of infection stretch out from it.

“Oops, right?” She lets go of her jacket, letting it fall back into place, and her eyes flick to Ellie. “Take your bandage off.”

With a sigh, Ellie does as she’s asked, and Tess walks past you both, Joel pulling you out of her way as Tess grabs the kid’s arm. “Look at this. It happened at the same fucking time and she…she’s real, you get that? She’s fucking real.” Her hands are shaking as she lets go of Ellie, takes a step back.

You just stare at Tess, at your friend. Your best friend.

“Take her to Lincoln,” she says to you, and you inhale sharply. “Go to Bill and Frank, ask them for help. They’ll give you whatever you need, you know they will.”

“No,” you say quickly, stepping around Joel, pushing Ellie behind you. “We can’t, we don’t even know if they— No.”

“You’re gonna figure this out, Liv,” Tess says, her voice shaking. “You go, and you take the kid with you and you—”

“Tess, no, I’m—”

“No, you shut the fuck up, cuz I don’t have time,” she nearly sobs, and your breath hitches in your throat. “This is your chance, Liv. You get her to the Fireflies, I don’t care how you do it. But you do it. You keep her alive, and you set everything right.” She shakes her head. “Please, Liv, just—”

Behind Ellie, there’s a loud gasp and she curses, reaching for you as you grab her, shoving her behind you again, turning in the direction of the noise. One of the bodies gasps, fungal life returned as it crawls across the ground.

Joel wastes no time pulling his pistol out, silencing it permanently.

From where you’re standing, you can see the tendrils of fungus creep around the dead man’s hand, a patch of cordyceps beneath the tile sprouting through.

“Shit,” Joel grunts and sprints for the door you’d come in through. As soon as he cracks it open, you can hear the snarling echoing through the city, growing closer and closer.

He pulls the door shut with a bang. “How many?” Tess asks.

“All of them,” he says, his voice laced with panic. “Maybe a minute.”

Back at your side, you reach for Ellie as Tess picks a rifle up from the ground, uses it to hit the cap off one of the barrels of gasoline, and tips it on its side. “What are you doing?” Ellie calls.

“Making sure they don’t follow you.”

You go to step toward Tess as she flings a box of grenades across the ground. “Tess, wait, just—” She grabs your arm. Behind you, Joel steps forward, his boot sliding in the gasoline, and you look at him over your shoulder.

“Take Ellie outside,” you tell him, watching that hard mask of his fall into place. “I’ll be right there.”

“Liv—”

“Now, Joel.”

He grabs Ellie by the arm and starts hauling her toward the back door. She doesn’t go willingly, instantly screaming no!, calling him an asshole. The door thumps shut, and you turn back to Tess, tears pouring down your face.

“You take care of him, Liv,” she tells you, grabbing your shoulders. “Take care of both of them. They’re gonna need you, you hear me? They won’t make it without you.”

The truth is on the tip of your tongue. You can’t let her die, not knowing what you are. Not knowing that you could have been the reason she’d live past today, if you hadn’t been so selfish. The guilt is worse than any infection. “Tess, there’s something I—”

She pulls you to her, hugging you tightly, and you can feel her hands shaking at your back, her fingers tapping against your shoulders. “I know. Tommy told me, before he left. It didn’t matter, Liv; it doesn’t matter. I knew Joel would never let them take you, no matter what it would fix, not if it wasn’t guaranteed, if it meant taking you from him. But now…this could be real. She’s real, Liv. The kid. She can fix it. Make up for all the bad shit we did.”

It hits you like a ton of bricks, leaving you nearly limp in her arms. “Tess—”

“Take care of him, Liv. Please. For me.” She hugs you tighter. “Take care of yourself.” Then she pushes you back, out of her arms, so hard you stumble back a step, and she presses her gun into your hand. “Take this, and go. Please.”

You take another step back, a shaky breath falling out of you both at the same time. You hear the door creak open again. “Liv!” Joel shouts. “Come on!”

“Go,” Tess says again, just as Joel yells your name a second time.

You sprint back to the door, Joel grabbing you by the sleeve as soon as you’re within reach. The snarling gets louder, echoing through the State House as Joel slams the door shut. You take off running as soon as you’re out, Ellie standing on the steps, waiting for you. You grab her hand as Joel nearly leaps down the steps, all of you running as hard as you can, trying to get away from the building. Your feet hit the grass on the other side of the pavement, and behind you, the building rumbles, an explosion blowing out the windows, flames spewing from every window. It sends you all sprawling forward, stuck looking back at the building in horror.

The fire catches instantly, billowing outward, the plants clinging to the structure smoking away, screaming and flaming Infected stumbling out the door you’d just run out of. Joel lifts the rifle and you raise Tess’s pistol, still gripped tightly in your hand. Black smoke billows out of the State House, and wind whips at your face. You wait a few moments, guns raised, waiting to see if any Infected make it out. Nothing comes, and you drop the gun, hearing it clatter to the ground.

You cover your face with your hands, and you scream. The noise should be loud, Joel should grab you and cover your mouth with his palm, silence you somehow, but you scream so hard no sound comes out of you.

You feel Joel’s hand on your back, pulling at your jacket, tugging on your backpack. The bat is pressed impossibly hard between your shoulder blades, and he pulls it off of you, tossing it toward Ellie and hauling you to your feet. He crushes you to his chest, burying his hand in your hair. It’s the same thing he’d done last night, when the radio had gone off, when your panic over Bill and Frank had spiked. His hand moves down, palm covering the back of your neck, and he squeezes.

“We need to move, Liv.”

You suck down a deep breath, letting it fill your belly, forcing yourself to ignore the way your spine feels like it might rattle out of you completely. “We do.”

Ellie has tears on her face as she turns toward you, your bat held loosely in her grip. Joel releases you, and starts walking, slinging the rifle over his shoulder. You hold your hand out to her, and she takes it.

PREV | NEXT

[amethystamaranth]

Sasunaru Fic Recs

1. Before Today is Over by oshit, T-rated, 12k

Given summary: Above him, Sasuke leans over the edge of the pier to watch. Naruto hears him laugh and even with his face draped in shadow, he can imagine Sasuke’s cheshire grin, eyes crinkling with mirth. He feels Sasuke smiling at him. Naruto would pluck every star from the heavens to keep that feeling.

My summary: post-war fic with getting together, ft. letter writing and a day spent in a seaside town

2. Homesick for a Mountain’s Song by kintou, M-rated, 51k

Given Summary: Sasuke tries to get away from the world by buying an abandoned house on a mountain. Naruto, tired from his long days in Konoha, gets a little too excited about growing vegetables in Sasuke's garden. 

Notes Summary: This story will mainly be Fluff or Hurt/Comfort. Just boys being soft on top of a mountain. There will probably be some dealing with trauma going on, since living on top of a mountain gives a man a lot of time to think. Anyway, I'm just a sucker for farmfics, and I think stoic Sasuke would fit in very well with all of these rough farmers.

3. Two Moons by iluxia, M-rated, 11k 

Given summary: Paths diverge after the Fourth War, in this new world Naruto works hard to build. He holds his highest dreams within his hands, but is he happy? [ Picks up post-Kaguya, some elements of Boruto & post-700 but not entirely adherent.] 

My summary: post-canon fic where Naruto at long last discovers what (who) truly makes him happy, and consequently has a midlife crisis over it, fix-it fic

4. Syzygy by glassedplanets, T-rated, 31k 

Given summary: In which Sasuke comes home, an errand needs to be run, several people tell him things, and he realizes just what home really is, for him. 

Tags for my summary: Reunions, Homecoming, Canon Divergence, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Chapter 699 (Naruto), Fluff, Mutual Pining, Happy Ending

5. Kizuna Hikari by YoungAndOverIntelligent, M-rated, 204k 

Given Summary: The only reason Sasuke keeps coming back to Konoha is because of that mattress. The bed is his only respite. And perhaps the dumbass who owns said bed might be worth it, too. 

Or, another canon divergence 699 that showers Sasuke with too much (deserved) love and attention that we all need for these unprecedented times. Title means "Bonded Light". It'll make sense when you're about 100K in 

My summary: There was only one bed, chakra sharing, adopted cat, so much happens it’s 200k long but it flies by it’s so good

6. Rebuilding by KinomiAkai, E-rated, 25k (and anything and everything by them!! Seriously binge read all of their Naruto fics they are all amazing I had such trouble just picking one!!) 

Given Summary: Sasuke has spent every day since the war’s end trying to rebuild. It's a good thing Naruto has been doing the same, isn't it? 

My summary: Naruto’s been working himself to the bone trying to make Kohona into a place Sasuke would like to call home, when Sasuke notices and decides to help him in his endeavor--cue a developing relationship get together!

7. Everybody Knows That You Cradle the Sun by Kyxxie, 17k, E-rated 

Given summary: “Y’know—before mom passed—she used to tell me about my dad. She'd tell me the kind of person you wanted to end up with, someone you kept around. She'd tell me about opposites, about calming the other one down and bringing them back up, about how they'd do the same for you. She'd say that you wanted someone who remembered things about you, not just the big stuff. Mundane shit that doesn't need to be remembered, but they do anyway. She'd say 'keep those who chronicle your life because it's theirs, too'." 

OR 

Naruto challenges Sasuke to a game of “who knows the other person better”. Sasuke panics when he realizes that he might be the winner because what in the actual fuck does that mean? He doesn’t know. Naruto tells him.

8. The Moon Will Sing (I Loved You Like the Sun) by FlowerCitti, E-rated, 18k

Given Summary: Sasuke comes back to the village after a few months away. (Or, Sasuke realizes that Naruto is more of a home to him than Konoha ever was.) 

My Summary: Post-canon, Naruto trying to make Kohona a home for Sasuke, in the process he overworks himself, getting together

9. Armistice by surveycorpsjean, M-rated, 15k 

Given summary: Sasuke is still here. Or maybe; love hasn't passed them yet. 

My Summary: Post-Boruto movie fix-it fic, getting together, AU where Naruto gets married (then divorced) but Sasuke never does, lovely conversations

10. Komorebi by saltedpotato, M-rated, 68k

Given Summary: Komorebi: A Japanese word for the way sunlight filters through the leaves of a tree canopy His responsibilities to the world fulfilled, Naruto Uzumaki takes Sasuke Uchiha and disappears from the public eye, letting the world readjust by itself in the aftermath of the Fourth Shinobi World War. Follow along with a series of windows into the lives of two boys as they relearn what they mean to the world and what they mean to each other.

Enjoy <3

[plscallmeeren]

A Night to Remember

Sirius Black x Reader

Request: yesss @JulzLovDraco4Eva

Summary: you are lily's twin sister and after being saved from muggle-born-based bullying by the Marauders in first year, you've become Sirius' closest friend. It's the holidays before 6th year and everyone is invited to James' house, except no one likes the state Sirius shows up in... can I call this a Christmas special? I really shouldn't

Warnings: Swearing; mentions of mental and physical abuse; injury; seriously sad Sirius; not proofread

Word Count: 2.4K

"Did you see her face?" James roared, stepping aside absently for his mother to get past him to vacuum. "I mean, pure high comedy, guys, seriously."

Peter sniggered at the centre of the couch, gnawing on a candy cane he stole from the Christmas tree.

Remus looked like he was straining to hear, lying on the floor and rolling over occasionally for Mrs. Potter to remove the pine needles from the floor. One time the vacuum attached itself to his jumper, inciting quite the kerfuffle.

You sat with a leg draped over the edge of the sofa, eating a caramel apple from that day's batch. Beneath you Lily was propped up against the fabric, leaning her head on your abdomen.

"I think I'd hit that, though," James continued, blanching when his mother glared at him, agape. "Sorry, mum, I was just joking. Y'know, peer pressure."

She snorted. "I doubt your friends here are dying to take Professor McGonnagle to bed, dear," she menaced, tugging at his ear gently on the way out of the room. "Save the dirty talk for when I'm not around!"

James looked slightly sick, which of course made you all burst out laughing.

It felt like Christmas already.

The whole room was dipped in a yellowing light that faded at the edges, the Christmas tree standing proudly in all its glory, it's baubles and tinsel and shining stars reflecting the glowing candlelight and desk lamp.

Remus pulled a face from the floor, grinning at his distorted image.

"Speaking of dirty-," James started, making Remus, Lily and you groan while Peter perked up, fascinated. "What, you acting all peachy now as if we'd never talked sex?"

"We never talked about it as much as you," you protested, lifting your coffee from the table and handing Peter his cocoa, licking the last of the caramel from your fingers.

"Well, what can I say? Bloody pussies. Anyways, this is mainly directed at you, Lily, but I was thinking... we should try doing some more kinky things, like bondage, sa-"

"Bloody hell, man."

"Shut up, James."

"Aren't you scared your mother's around the corner?"

"I cry for you, sister dear," you sighed, knowing for a fact they hadn't even fucked yet. "And for you, James - so desperate to prove and to overcompensate."

Remus snickered, Peter's eyes went wide.

"I have nothing to overcompensate for," James retaliated, finally sitting down on the coffee table. That alone earned a glare from Lily. "And what about you, huh, (y/n/n)? Where's your boyfriend?"

"Fuck's sake, James, you know there's no one around here in my league," you cooed, sparing a glance at your watch. "Hey, when's Sirius coming? Was he gonna be late?"

Lily frowned. "We mention boyfriends and you bring up Sirius?"

"Suspicious," Remus added.

"Seriously suspicious," James said smugly. "But no, he should already be here. Guess he got caught up with his mum or something."

Your heart sunk. He was right, of course, but the mere thought of Sirius' parents filled you with leaden dread. No good news ever came of them, and undoubtedly very little would. You had heard countless stories in vulnerable moments or disguised as jokes; stoned confessions or drunken retellings.

None of them were good.

"Great. Just great."

"I really worry for him sometimes," Remus admitted, sitting up and crossing his legs. "He's not safe there."

You all nodded in agreement. The conversation moved on, but your mind was stuck on a certain boy.

The doorbell rang cheerily.

"That must be him," James called, putting down his cocoa carefully and happily making his way to the door. You breathed a sigh of relief, smiling to yourself as you heard his scuffling footsteps.

What you were not expecting was a strangled scream, a desperate cry for someone, anyone to come.

You all jumped up, you almost kicking Lily's face in the process, rushing to the door as Mrs. Potter thundered down the stairs elsewhere.

At the door you weren't met with the slightest relief, but with complete and utter horror.

There stood Sirius, beautiful Sirius, suitcase in hand, out of breath. His face looked torn as if by a bread knife, reaching from the left corner of his mouth to the apple of his cheekbone. A bruise was forming over his right eye and his clothes held the subtle scent of smoke. The blood trickled down his face to his neck and through his white shirt as James stepped away in fear. Red bloomed somewhere near his chest, deeper the closer you looked. He slumped to one side.

Lily and you didn't hesitate, unlike James, who was hyperventilating, and Remus, who was murmuring things under his breath he probably couldn't hear himself.

Lily grabbed him under the arms as he fell, guiding him to the inside floor gently. You perched in front of him, ripping open his shirt and losing some buttons, biting down on your tongue as you saw the rectangular burn bloodied with tissue damage. You tried pushing the gash on his cheek together, but being awkwardly crouching above him, you were half-afraid you'd fall over and rip something else open that was supposed to be very keenly connected.

"Oh, fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck," Remus whimpered, but it felt like far away, a distant body of yours hearing his words even as Sirius was taken from you by Mrs. Potter. You didn't move for a moment, not realising what had happened, and by the time you were racing to the dining room to follow she had shut the door behind her, saying (most unhelpfully) that he would be alright.

Your chest heaved. Your shoulder was vaguely aware of Lily's weight, but it didn't matter. Sirius was in there, hurting. Hurting because of something presumably his parents did to him. Presumably with a fire spade and a kitchen knife and the knob of a very particular and expensive cane. Merlyn, you couldn't breathe.

The door creaked open slightly, James' mother poking her head out. Her face was awfully pale, but a determined peace had settled on her face.

"James, dear, help me get him up to the room he was going to stay in, will you? He'll need a bit more patching up, but after that he'll just need to rest." She seemed to sense your thoughts, answering your unasked question: "I'd ask you to help, dear, but you're looking a little faint yourself."

You just stared, letting Remus and Peter tug you away while Lily provided some extra support to James and his mother. You felt useless. You wanted to do something. You wished you could breathe or see properly, too.

"He'll be fine," Remus assured you as he sat you back down on the now unfriendly couch, sounding very unconvinced himself.

"Aren't you worried?" you snapped automatically. "Sorry," you reconciled at his hurt expression, "I didn't mean it like that. But aren't you- why aren't you all scared out of your minds?"

"We are," Peter said softly.

"Just... maybe not as much as you."

"Right," you breathed. You felt slightly more steady now.

Lily came down the stairs with small, slow steps. She looked like her heart had beat more times than was fitting for any living occasion.

"Hey. James thought I should check on you. His mum's doing a really good job, by the way. I think Sirius will have his stupid grinning face back soon enough."

You smiled a little, but your heart still raced. Lily gave the other two boys a look which sent them out of the room very quickly. She sat down beside you, laying an arm around your slouched back.

"You're really freaked out, huh?"

You hummed quietly, wiping a stray tear from your cheek as if she wouldn't notice. "I just- seeing him like that, still standing, straight from the Floo Network to who knows where- Lily, why on earth didn't he just come to this fireplace? Why did he- Why did he-"

"Sis', calm down. He's fine. Sort of. He probably wasn't thinking that clearly and just said the street name or something."

"Who the fuck remembers a street but not the name of one of your best friend's?" Lily laughed; yours came out watery.

"Come on, we're talking Sirius here. He'll survive anything. Honestly, a good kick might do him some good after all the shit he pulls. Admittedly, I would have preferred to hand it to him, but..."

You couldn't find it in you to be mad at your sister at that moment, so instead you just sniffed aggressively until she handed you a tissue.

"I just... oh God, Lily, what if something really did happen to him? What if I couldn't get him back? I just..." You trailed off. Your eyes widened.

"What is it?" Lily asked timidly, as if scared of chasing off a wild deer.

"I- Oh Merlyn, I think I like him," you sighed, sounding almost disappointed.

"Well, I'd hope so, he's your best friend."

"No, Lily, I like him. Merlyn, I love him! He's perfect. Oh, no... oh, for fuck's sake..." you began muttering. If anyone knew about his copious affairs, it was you, and all his flirting was probably habit. You liked him. You loved him. That was real. That was dangerous.

"Seriously? Jim?" Lily deadpanned, looking thoroughly unimpressed. "Couldn't it be anyone else?"

"Oh, shut it, you've given up to the arrogant charm of Potter." You hesitated a moment, then: "I'm gonna tell him. When he wakes up. Then, at least, if he dies from shock, I can blame it on his parents."

•••

A few hours later Mrs. Potter entered the living room with an expression that reminded you uncontrollably of the time she sat you and the Marauders down at 13 for the talk - it resulted in little more than raucous giggles and jokes about storks. It might have been more successful and terror-inducing had you not discovered a spicy story in a Playboy magazine and read it together some weeks ago.

"Alright, I have some news," she announced herself solemnly before breaking into a wild smile that made you all wonder if she had gone mad with witnessing death or something. "Sirius will be moving in with us as of now. James, I know this might be hard for you to adjust to, but-"

"Hardly," he interrupted, grinning. "I get to have him over all the time?"

"Mrs. Potter, you will never know peace again," Remus warned morbidly. You laughed at that, shoving away any thoughts on what exactly he was escaping from.

"Anyway, he's been asking for you all. But make it quick - he needs his sleep."

She didn't have to say it twice. All four of you were lunging up the stairs in an instant, barging into his room so quickly, he looked up from under his covers startled.

"You're alive!" Peter cried, almost jumping on him to give him a hug, but Sirius managed to keep him at a safe distance as he received it.

"Thank Merlyn... we were really worried," Remus added.

"Can I say something extremely cheesy and heartfelt?" Sirius looked at you all expectantly. You sat down on the edge of his bed: "If ever there was an acceptable time, it's probably now."

"Right," he grinned. "Well, I just wanted to say that you're all such great friends and I'm really lucky to have you. Not many people could run away from home and have a new one organised within the hour."

"It's been four hours; sure I shouldn't call mum back?" Sirius slapped him weakly on the arm. "No, but seriously, it sounds like brain damage."

"What James is trying to say," Remus butted in, "is that he's thrilled to have you living with him."

"Yeah, that too," James conceded. "You have no idea how worried (y/n) was about you. She went all berserk. The rest of us were totally cool."

"You were not!" you defended, glaring at him as Sirius gently took your hand.

"Why so worried?"

"I don't know, hon'. I guess I just really like you. Maybe more than I thought I did. And I can't lose you. Ever." When he didn't react, you added: "This is me, confessing."

"Yeah, I figured," he answered. The room went awkwardly quiet. "I'm glad you feel the same."

"Wait, what?" You stared at him, completely dumbfounded.

"Well, I love you a lot also. More than I should, I mean. And you won't lose me unless you get fed up with me yourself." He smirked that perfect smirk. You were taken by the sudden urge to kiss it off his smug face.

The urge succeeded, apparently, because before you knew it you were leaning down, kissing those lips that you had always watched kiss others and longed for half-subconsciously since you stole each other's first kisses as trusted friends. There they were. They worked. They worked well, indeed.

"Oh, fuck off," James interrupted, making you pull away. You didn't even have it in you to be annoyed. Sirius was staring at you, eyes wide, lips parted, pretty even through the stitched over his cheek and the blackening eye pushing his lids together.

You flipped James off as you helped Sirius up, leading him down the stairs with the others in tow to sit at the kitchen table and help Mrs. Potter until she was ready.

Throughout dinner, your hands were clasped beneath the table surface. This was not the night to discuss what had happened. This was a night to remember.

[jinlias]

kinktober day 5 - floor sex w ryujin

“yes!” your cheer expresses satisfaction after all your hard work trying to put together a collaboration piece between you and ryujin. the gray haired girl walks to you after pausing the music.

“glad that’s over with, let’s go home” she squeezes your waist and moves to walk past you, but your hand wrapped around her wrist make her stop.

“oh but everyone’s home” she scrunches her nose “the room is booked for a couple more hours anyway” you caress her forearms when her hands meet your lower back.

“what, you want to keep practicing?” ryujin chuckles.

“i want you” you remind her of a deal you had made earlier (one she does not remember)

“i don’t want to dancee, i wanna fuck you” reluctantly, you tighten the lace of your shoes.

“come on” your girlfriend offers her hands and helps you up “if we can finish this today, i’ll let you go down on me later” she lets out a chuckle at the way your face lights up

“deal” you get into position “consider it done”

“here?”

“where else silly” your hands begin to untie the bow on her sweatpants.

“i don’t know, what happened to bathroom stalls or the back of the van?”

“this is way more comfortable than a bathroom stall- besides, i don’t think i’ll make it sane to either of those” she lets you pull her pants down with her hands on your shoulders as you go down, a smirk on her lips when you reveal her thong, and how her small, perky ass is on full display for you. her tongue peaks the corner of her mouth when you look up at her.

she doesn’t need you to make a witty remark to tug your shoulders back until the cold floor touches you, taking the time to fully remove her sweats and shoes before kneeling right below your face. “come onn” ryujin runs her hands through your hair as you whine and try to tug her by the thighs to your face.

“no, no. you know very well i can get dressed and leave you dry for how long?” she takes your silence as an answer “exactly, now be quiet and make daddy feel good, hm?”

the words slip right out of your other ear when she finally slips the thong to the side and lowers herself on your face. the taste of her sweet juices quench your thirst that had only really lasted a couple of hours, she knows how much you love her short hair, and for her to kiss you goodbye and leave the dorm a couple hours later to come back with her hair up to her neck, she couldn’t expect less than this.

ryujin squeezes her thighs around your head at your nails digging into the skin of them. if your face weren’t right under her (not that you’re complaining) you’d get a full view of her, back arched, lips parted and head thrown back with one hand in your hair, the other teasing the waistband of your sweats. “just like that angel”

her hips begin to circle your face, she’s getting closer and closer with every lick. the harder you suck on her clit or the faster you shake your head left and right makes her hips move back and forth instead. “can’t get enough of this pussy, huh?”

“fuck” the sight of her riding your face looks just animalistic, she’s so desperate to come, mainly because she knows that once you’re remotely alone you’ll jump her bones again. her moans get louder, her breathing faster, her hips moving faster, and soon praise rolls off her tongue as she rides her high

[elijahtxx]

I made a jeanlisa playlist cause i was listening to laufey

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3vDo39vJ2oCJG2Mj55coyd?si=0cd324c84fe843b7

explanations for the songs i chose:

- From The Start:

they are meant to be lovers and you can't tell me otherwise. lisa would tell jean during their tea time after hearing this song saying "this is definitely our song haha" and jean would think about that the whole day or week even.

- This Is It How It Feels:

"this is how it feels to fall in love with you // to always think of you // to always dream of you // yes, it hurts so much to fall in love with you" HELLOOOO THEIR LOVE STORY HURTS SO MUCH I JUST KNOW IT. they don't want to fall in love with each other cause lisa's gonna croak soon but they can't help it.

- Let You Break My Heart Again:

this song is jean's feelings to lisa :(( jean knows lisa doesn't have much time. she needs to keep telling herself "i have to move on. there are other people." but she doesn't want other people. she wants lisa. god and the chorus of this song ?? this is so jeanlisa coded and it's jean to lisa guys please they hurt so gOOD.

- Promise:

and this ?? UGH THIS IS LISA TO JEAN IN RESPONSE TO THE PREVIOUS SONG DO YOU GUYS SEE MY VISION ?? and i have to point out the key points in this song.

"i've done the math, there's no solution // we'll never last // why can't i let go of this" guys i'm sobbing with each explanation, please be patient with me. lisa tries so so hard to not love jean and not even try to get into a relationship because tHEY NEVER HAVE ENOUGH TIME, I'M TELLING YOU GUYS IT ALL GOES BACK TO TIME. anyway yeah these bitches gay as hell. lisa keeps telling jean "no we can't, it's inevitable and it'll just hurt more" but they BOTH would share one regret and it's not marrying each other no matter how much time they'd have.

- Bewitched:

now now i've had laufey on repeat and it would be a crime if i didn't add this song.

- What They'll Say About Us:

i HAD to add a finneas song c'mon. also the lyrics "i never said it would be easy // i'm never givin' up, believe me // i used to think the pain would fade, but it never does" it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts, they are each other's comfort. lisa puts a blanket around jean after she's fallen asleep at her desk overworking and then calls for kaeya to help carry jean back to their bed. if it's lisa sleeping then jean carries lisa herself back to their bed <33 oh sorry i just threw a hc in the middle of that LMAO i was supposed to talk about the song. anyway, this song actually also talks about time but it's more hopeful like "oh we always have time" like lmao no y'all don't but they'd like to think that. wishful thinking. maybe i'm projecting.

- Monster (feat. King Princess):

"i know we'll never grow old together // but you'll never grow old to me" GUYS BACK TO MISERY AND PAIN UGH in the original version of this song (Marceline's) marcy and pb can't grow old cause they're immortal so, wow so romantic. jeanlisa however, they can't grow old together cause wHY ?? NO SAY IT WITH ME. WHY NOT ?? BECAUSE LISA'S GONNA FUCKING BITE THE DUST SOONER BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A POWERFUL WITCH. LIKE DAMN GIRLBOSS OF YOU LAH BUT FUCK LAH IT HURTS. also i chose this version specifically cause it sounds more sad and depressing.

- She:

I HAD to put a dodie song. jean and lisa would listen to dodie together for sure. this song is mainly jean to lisa i think. but this is more early jeanlisa like maybe teens. jean doesn't know lisa feels the same about her. she thinks it isn't reciprocated. but this dumb bitch is wRONG.

- Always:

"it was always you falling for me // now there's always time calling for me" iT ALL GOES BACK TO TIMEEEE WAAAA yea this song is lisa to jean specifically. i am on the jean fell first and lisa fell harder agenda.

- Enchanted:

swifties i'm so sorry, i know this one hurts. it's the whole song tbh like ugh maybe after a Windblume celebration, this is how they both feel. they spent the whole event together. they went on patrols together walking around the city seeing all the flowers, decorations, everyone smiling etc. the last day there's a big dance where everyone joins in and they dance the night away. after all that, they both go home and all that's on their mind is what ?? each other.

- Tautou:

guys this song sounds so depressing in the best way possible like if i could tell you to listen to at least one of these songs, it would be this. i put this mainly for the instrumentals.

- The End Of All Things:

very very short love song. not much to say. it sounds incredible. anyway they are in love, thank you.

- Lover's Oath, i'm tired of feeling this way, Greensleeves:

these don't have words, just songs they'd slow dance to or listen to together.

that's it !! i wanna say my friend xclipsa told me to add the end of all things and greensleeves but i meant to put the end of all things but somehow did not ?? i don't know what i did lmao anyway thank you for reading my explanations. hope y'all feel heartache when listening to this playlist like i do. take care, lovelies &lt;3

[harmonyckrs]

Day 8 in Twisted Pleasantview: They're Here for Us

THE PREVIOUS DAY

NAME: DUSTIN BROKE

LIFE STAGE: TEEN

STATUS: ALIVE, POSSESSED FUNCTIONAL

SPECIAL NOTES: Never make a deal with fairies.

---

Dear Diary,

Mom went missing today.

The last time I saw her she was going to visit Cassandra to probably have a make-out session. Angela thinks she probably stayed the night, but I feel like she definitely would've told us if she did. Dad's still at the hospital because apparently there were some complications with the birth, so I don't know if he knows.

Dirk and Aunt Jen both gave me their condolences today, but I don't really feel anything. I did dream of this happening after Dina disappeared, but I never really thought it would happen. Grandma and Grandpa also moved in with us temporarily until Dad came back from the hospital, which feels unnecessary but I'd take them over either Mom or Dad any day. Am I allowed to say that? I'm sure Mom will be fine, anyway.

Anyway, I tried to ask Angela about how her report was going but she said she wanted to keep it secret. I know deep down she hasn't done shit, because I haven't seen her make any effort to try to talk to the Specters at all. Once I asked her about it more she snapped and said she overheard me talking to Pascal and was afraid that whatever I had in that report would end up undermining hers.

I don't know why she was so upset when the Specters have a good reputation while mine is on the guy that they fucked over with the help of all the influential people in town, but I told her that we can compare reports and she seemed to calm down after that.

We dropped by the Broke trailer after school to visit Dustin but it turns out he went missing and Ms. Broke was in a frenzy. I genuinely don't think I've ever seen her that panicked tbh, or at all really. We offered to help her look around, before we eventually found Dustin inside of what seemed to be a circle of flowers that formed around one of trees near the trailer. He seemed really dazed and just stared up at the sky, so we decided to play some good old-fashioned Punch You Punch Me as we waited for him to come back to his senses.

Once he left the ring he said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, but Angela was able to talk to him while I went to take a shit in their bathroom. The Broke walls were hella thin, so I heard everything. Dustin claimed that he got transported to another realm by a fairy and that he saw an Asian man with long hair and green tinted glasses staring at him from behind a cold, glass wall. He also mentioned seeing a hall of mirrors which reflected the people who went missing, including Beau and Mom, but that he was sent back before he could do anything about them. He seemed kinda frazzled the entire time, so we decided to just let him go to sleep and return home.

I guess I can ask Ripp if he could introduce me to Puck, one of our other classmates who's a fairy. He seems pretty chill but he's super shy, so it's hard to talk to him because of that. I'm guessing he might know something about it, or at least direct me to someone who has. I'm not entirely sure if I believe Dustin, but considering how he just magically appeared in that flower ring I'm certain fairies probably had something to do with it.

I wonder if Strangetown ever had fairy incidents, like they do with aliens. I did hear that they're mainly from Veronaville, due to it the environment being more friendly towards fairies, but I don't think it's impossible for fairies to be found elsewhere. I guess I can ask someone from Strangetown about it later.

THE NEXT DAY

[purecommemasolitude]

Unser Lied für Liverpool thoughts

Since this is the first NF i've managed to watch in its (near) entirety

TRONG - I couldn't find his full performance for some reason?? I don't know if it was an issue with the stream or what, but all I could watch was the final minute or so :( he did a good job in that minute though. still not my favourite song but #immigrantsolidarity slash half joke (okay edit now that I've gotten to watch it in full: surprisingly probably my second in terms of immediate contest preparedness! all the "oww"s got a bit annoying for me but everyone onstage performed very well and the staging was among the betters-- I wish they hadn't sometimes done the split-screen with the closeup triangle, but that's a nitpick)

René Miller - girl why did you decide on that staging 🧍‍♀️ whoever decided that he was going to be standing, without moving, on a giant rock the whole song ruined his chances at getting a high audience vote imo. literally any movement would've made it better, but i bet adding the dancers from the music video would've won him a lot of votes

Anica Russo - vocals less good than I expected but still impressive, staging was a bit of a let-down and didn't really carry the otherworldly vibe that added a lot to the music video, but her dress was very pretty

Lonely Spring - the crowd was dead 😬 the staging was once again a bit iffy but they put on a far better performance than the crowd was implying. also very wacky to hear them say "fuck" so many times considering that they'd have to censor it if they got through to Liverpool anyway?? do not understand the logic behind it

Will Church - once again the staging was a bit of a let-down imo. I do think it's a better song than the general fandom seems to, but it would either do well or flop at Liverpool, and unless they changed the staging I was leaning toward flop after the performance

Patty Gurdy - one of my favourites going into the selection :( unfortunately her vocals were just not there enough (she was near-impossible to hear at some points, I think if she'd fixed up her high notes and maybe belted more then she'd have done better) and the staging, while not as bad as some others, didn't show off the song as well as it could have

Ikke Hüftgold - This was the only one I hadn't listened to before the contest, and ngl it was better than I expected (mainly because my expectations were very, very low. but the verses were more audible than the chorus) I don't mind him getting high in the results, but I'm glad he didn't win, because in no world would this have gotten anywhere other than last place, especially since it's such a localized genre from what little I know

Frida Gold - I hope one day we can see what their planned staging was :(( they were probably my first place going into the contest and I'm very sad they had to withdraw, esp since German is long-overdue in Eurovision imo

Lord of the Lost - As I said in the tags of my initial celebratory post, after the live shows it was very very clear that without changing anything about what was presented today, LotL have by far the best chance of being successful at the proper contest. IMO they'll either flop or do incredibly well-- after all, they're a little-seen genre in the contest as a whole, but especially from Germany, and their visual presentation is on point, with by far the best staging of the whole contest, and a pretty solid performance all-around

Misc - I wish they'd had Malik Harris do an actual performance, the Eurovision medley during the voting was very fun and I enjoyed it, still wish Frida Gold had been able to participate, also it is very funny to me the upsurge of bands we're seeing this year

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug: Volume II | Part Two

Hey, guys! So I’ve decided to get back to a schedule of updates like I had a couple years back, so there will be a new chapter every Saturday. That way it’ll be more organized and I won’t constantly be telling you I’m gonna update and end up not updating due to either psyching myself out or not being through with editing. Thank you for your patience, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I had to break it up into 2 parts bc it was so long to read all at once so the next chapter will be up Saturday, and that’ll start off the scheduled updates! Thank you💜

Words: 6.1k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse

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LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

1989

“…You are so fucking lucky I didn’t call Nikki and tell him about this.” Doc grumbles to me, irritated as all hell as we walk out of the Los Angeles Police Department.

“The asshole deserved it.” Axl cuts in, sticking up for me yet again before Doc whips around to face us.

“Okay, see, I don’t care what you do.” He states to him, raising his brows. “But she’s done enough shit back to back to back for the past two years…” he trails off, looking at me, “Aren’t you tired?!”

I go to answer him, apologetically, but I’m cut off by him insisting, “of course you’re not, you’re a Sixx, you people thrive off of stressing me, and everyone else at the damn office, out.” He throws up his hands as he turns to continue walking in front of us on the way to his car.

“Maybe if these morons didn’t talk so much she wouldn’t have to shut them up.” Axl continues.

“These morons talk because she has given them plenty to talk about, Mr. Rose. I’m not exactly sure what they teach in Indiana, but where I’m from there’s this thing called, ‘if you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough’.” He states. “You wanted to roll around with Duff without any preventives, so now you just have to face the fact that some people think you’re a slut for it. I don’t know what else to fucking tell you other than the more you get arrested, the harder it is to get you out. Those records don’t go away just because you’re married to Nikki.” He warns me and we get to his car.

“Are you gonna tell Nikki?” It’s as if his whole speech goes right over my head — mainly because it did.

Anytime he opens his mouth I just drown it out, anymore.

He looks at me, as if to say, “did you even hear anything I just said?”

“You two sucker punched someone simultaneously. Nikki’s gonna hear about it somewhere, anyway.” He tells me.

“Like he’s gonna give a shit.” Axl blares, the tone of his voice letting me know he’s getting sick of Doc. “He would’ve done the same damn thing — maybe even worse — if he’d been there. Everyone’s been telling her to ignore everyone for the last year and she’s sick of it so why shouldn’t she stick up for herself? Maybe when people know they have a chance of getting their asses handed to them, they’ll shut the fuck up.”

He makes a good point, and Doc doesn’t argue it, he just looks at me and says, “I suggest you tell Nikki before he hears it anywhere else.”

I dread the possibility of hearing him bitch me out about yet another altercation, but I also find some refuge in Axl’s words.

Nikki would’ve done the same thing had he been there, so maybe he won’t be upset.

Besides, it’s Valentine's Day. He can’t be mad at me on Valentine’s Day.

Doc takes both of us back to my house, the pissed off manager making the comment, “it’s a hell of a step up from Van Nuys.”

I guess I could’ve stayed in our old neighborhood, but even heading in that direction makes my stomach turn and my mouth water with the oncoming threat of vomit.

Thinking of the house so much shit happened in, Nikki’s heroin den, our tumultuous fights, his many instances of throwing Vanity out while they were getting high together, the many times the all mirror ceiling was blown out with a gun…I’m looking down at the thigh that still bares the discolored spots along my skin where shrapnel had to be pulled out of me.

It’s currently hiding under my light wash jeans, but it’s still there.

The person responsible for it is long gone — my mind not even grouping together a sober and clearly thinking Nikki in with who he is when he’s on a days long drug binge.

I like to think that Sikki is still crawled up hiding away in our Van Nuys home, scratching around inside the walls, tormenting the new owners, and I hope he stays there. Far, far away from my husband and our growing family.

Once we get to my house, I’m unlocking the door, tip toeing incase Monroe’s asleep, peeking around the wall of the living room to see he’s laying in Tansy’s lap, the two of them asleep while the shower runs in the guest bathroom.

“Aww.” I whisper, motioning for Axl to come here.

He does, seeing at what I’m seeing, and his eyes might as well turn to hearts.

Axl and Tansy reminded me of myself with Nikki when we got together that first time. Except Axl was the one blindly and immersively head over heels, and I think Tansy loved him, but was also very in love with being borderline worshiped and adored — which was something she hadn’t experienced in any relationship.

Axl’s fuse with Tansy lasted a hell of a lot shorter than my fuse with Nikki, however.

She fell off the wagon a few times between ‘89 and ‘90, and by ‘91 during an ugly argument between the two of them, she had confessed to Axl that she resented him for isolating her from her friends, and that she and Robbin had been hooking up, again.

He threw a piano out the upstairs window of their mansion, and threw her out of the house, too (quite literally), and started dating Stephanie Seymour...but that was short lived and they’d reconciled before she took her mom and her former modeling agency to court for the shit she endured thanks to them.

I carefully bend down to pick Monroe up, managing to not wake him being that lately he’s been sleeping so heavy that an earthquake didn’t even budge him last week.

He’s laid down in his Sesame Street themed crib, his chubby cheeks smushing into my hand as I lay him on his back and tip toe out of there.

I assume Duff’s in the guest bathroom being that his brand new Corvette is in the driveway.

A shit ton of us are set to eat a late lunch at his house in a few hours, being that not many of us have been over there since he and Mandy bought it. It’s just down the street from mine, nothing big or extravagant, but it’s a nice house.

Dad offered to let Monroe stay the night with him and mom so me and Nikki could enjoy valentines tonight…I think he’s secretly hoping I have another baby as soon as I can so he can have one grandchild in one arm and one in the other.

I just can’t see Nikki and I have a baby together right now — I’m just now getting my body as close to where it was before I got pregnant with Monroe.

Grabbing some water from the kitchen, I head back to the living room to see Tansy’s trying to get woke up good enough to get her head on straight.

She had agreed to help me and Mandy get the food ready for tonight, Vince and Tommy are supposed to be at Duff’s to help him and Stevie grill some steaks.

I expect Heather to be there since Tommy’s coming and it’s a couples dinner after all, but it also won’t surprise me if she can’t make it due to filming.

Nikki’s supposed to be dragging Mick and Emi, too, but I don’t know if he’ll succeed at that.

None of us have all been together since the leg of the Girls tour that Nikki and I nearly killed each other on, constantly.

I finish my water and glance at the clock that reads one o’clock.

The goal is to be done at Duff’s around 4:30pm.

I go shower and get some makeup on, blow dry my hair and take about five minutes deliberating between two dresses.

Either a skin tight burgundy one that stops halfway down my thighs, or a light pink one that has a little more flow to it…

I go with the light pink, deciding maybe it would help Nikki’s balls for me to not look like a sex bomb when we are trying to put off sex at the moment.

I should call and tell him wear a long sleeve shirt to cover his toned arms.

If I can’t dress a little slutty then he can’t, either.

Once I have my heels on, I’m heading back to Monroe’s room to wake him up and get him ready for dad to come pick him up.

He’s not in his crib, and when I hear airplane noises down the hall followed by Monroe’s contagious shriek of amusement, I peek my head out of his room to see Duff holding him above his head, with his hand under his chest, and the other around his chunky thigh.

“What’re you doing?” I ask the baby, and he kicks his legs when he sees me, Duff making a beeline toward me while keeping up his jet plane noises until the baby is way over my head thanks to Duff being 6’4 and holding him so high he’s nearly touching the ceiling.

“Nose dive!” Duff calls dramatically, tilting Monroe at a downward angle so I can kiss at his chubby cheek.

He almost kicks his dad in the face with excitement when I kiss him, his little hands coming out to grasp my hair and pull me to him.

“Oh, thank you, that’s so sweet.” I tell him as his slobbery mouth engulfs my cheek. “Are you ready to see Grandpa?” I add, and his face lights up at the mention of my father.

“He can hang out with us, can’t he?” Duff asks, holding Monroe’s back to his chest, leaning down and kissing his cheek several times in a row.

“It’s only us tonight, Duff. Vince and Sharise won’t have Skylar, either.” I remind him sadly, also second guessing our son’s departure that won’t last but under 24 hours.

“They get to see her more than I get to see him, though.” He points out, sounding disappointed. “We’ll go pick him up from your dad’s tomorrow and he’ll already be walking or something, Viv.” He adds.

“He won’t be walking, Duff. He can’t even crawl right now.” I gently squeeze his foot. “You have until October to spend with him, and even then those are just little shows. It’s not like you’ll be on a world tour for years on end and won’t be able to see him at all.”

“That’s what it feels like.” He raises his brows.

We’re quiet for another moment and I’m looking between my son and my ex boyfriend.

“Do you think I should call and tell my dad we’re keeping him?” I ask, now second guessing my decision the more I think about it, fearing the inevitable urge to call and check on him every thirty minutes.

Now it’s Duff’s turn to do what he’s always done and reassure me.

“No, don’t do that, it’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. He’ll have fun with Grandpa. Won’t you, pal?” He asks, turning Monroe to face him, and he’s doing the same to his father as he did to me, reaching for his hair to bring his cheek to his mouth, getting a loud chuckle and a warm, “Ohh, thanks little dude,” before kissing his cheek back.

Dad gets here in a few minutes, Tansy getting ready in my bathroom while Duff’s already said bye to Monroe and headed back to his house.

I finish buckling the baby up in Dad’s new Ford pickup truck, handing him his dark purple blanket that’s the size of a square foot — homage to Prince and the iconic purple he’s integrated throughout his career.

Is it weird that my ex-boyfriend's idol is the ex-boyfriend of my husband’s ex-mistress?

“Alright, baby, have fun. But not too much, okay? I still want you to miss me just a little.” I kiss his temple, smoothing down his brown hair, looking into his green eyes. “…We can keep him, you know, if it’s gonna be too much trouble…” I say to dad, looking at him while he’s patiently waiting for me to shut the door so he can get in.

“Viv…”

“I mean, he’s been crying all day and I think he’s got a stomach bug. Maybe it would be best if he stays with us.” I lie, trying to grasp an excuse.

But dad sees through my bullshit. He always has.

“You can get him back first thing in the morning if you want to, Viv. He’ll be fine. Some separation is good for the two of you — especially you. You’ve got to be comfortable being away from him some if you and Duff are going to share custody.”

“…I never said that.” I raise my brows.

“Well you can’t keep him full time, Vivian, he’s gotta see his son just like you do.” He raises his brows, too.

“But he’s my baby.”

“He’s his baby, too.”

“Well, I can just go with him when he goes to visit with his dad.” I insist.

“For two weeks at a time?” He asks me.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure Nikki will love that.”

“Dad, I’m not leaving my baby in the care of four drunk idiots and a mentally unstable — “

“ — One of those drunk idiots is his father.” He points out.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” I say next, realizing now how harsh that sounded.

“You just have to get used to not being joined at the hip with him all the time, Viv, that’s all.” He shrugs, and I look at my baby and back to my father, sighing.

“You’ll call if anything – and I mean anything – comes up, right?” I ask.

“I promise.”

“Good or bad, especially bad. If he cries too much, or won’t let you or mom sleep, just call me or Duff and one of us will come get him.” I remind him, probably sounding like a broken record.

“Vivian?” He asks and I turn to face him.

“Yeah, Dad?”

His hands extend to my shoulders and he speaks slowly so I can comprehend him easily:

“He will be fine. Enjoy your night.”

I know I sounded like a crazy person, but Monroe had rarely left my side. He had yet to actually go off and spend the night somewhere other than mine or Duff’s house, and sure he had stayed with my parents but never for that long.

When I had him it was us against the rest of the world, and I really stuck to that. I think I was more clingy with him than he was to me, and maybe subconsciously that made me panic about letting him go off without me.

Within the next thirty minutes, people start to arrive at Duff and Mandy’s, most of us girls sticking to the kitchen or around the house while the boys stand outside over the grill, Duff, Slash, and Stevie steadily drinking beers Vince tries his hardest to drink either soda or water.

It doesn’t take me long to pick up that something isn’t quite all there with Duff and Mandy. Perhaps it’s the way he’s keeping his distance and rarely acknowledging her when he comes into the kitchen to get beer after beer after beer for himself, or the way she gets this spoiled look on her face when he’s around, as if she’s irritated with the mere fact that he’s around…

I keep it to myself, however, knowing it’s not my place to ask either one of them about it, but it’s hard not to take notice that the two of them aren’t even acting like they’re married anymore.

The doorbell rings, Sharise going to answer it, and I hear her kindly say, “Hey!” followed by, “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” and Mick’s, “I feel like I’ve been alive for fucking ever.”

Relief sighs from me at the fact that Nikki succeeded in convincing Mick to come, and I grimace just a bit seeing Emi behind him, but I keep a smile on my face.

By that point it was clear to us exactly what Emi wanted from the beginning. Over the months since they had first got together, Emi was more and more comfortable spending his money, and showing it off.

I hated to admit Nikki was right when he had first called it on the Girls tour, but he was.

Emi was a golddigger.

Nikki’s greeting Mandy when Steve comes in, exclaiming, “Sixx!”

“Hey, man!” Nikki boyishly laughs as Stevie outright hugs him.

“You look good, man.” The blonde takes a step back, admiring the wonders sobriety has done while I offer a fake smile to Emi as she pipes, “Hey, Vivian.”

“Where’s Tommy?” Nikki asks me, coming over to where I’m leaned against the counter, eyeing me up and down.

I ignore it and try to focus on his question, furrowing my brows.

“He should be here any min — ”

“ – Sorry we’re late!” Tommy shouts as he walks into the foyer. “Well, I’m late. Heather’s not able to get off in time.” He adds, stepping into the kitchen with a case of beer. “Where do you want this?” He asks next.

“By the fridge is fine for now, thanks” Mandy tells him, as she examines her potatoes that’re baking in the oven.

“Where’s M.B.?” Tommy furrows his brows, referring to Monroe.

“He’s at my parent’s, Tommy, I told you I couldn’t bring him.” I remind him as he fiddles with the ends of my hair for a moment.

“Ew, so you two can get it on tonight?” He wrinkles his nose in disgust.

“No.” I state, raising my brows. “So we can have a quiet night without having to worry about the five month old baby.”

“You two still aren’t boning?” Steven blurts, tipsy, and I feel my face turn bright red as the kitchen grows quiet.

Mandy, Mick, Sharise, Steven’s girlfriend Cheryl, Izzy’s girlfriend Angela, and Emi are all looking at Nikki and I.

“No.” I force it out. “We’re not.”

“Why not?!” Stevie asks next as if he fears something terrible is wrong with either both of us or one of us.

“We’re taking things slow, Steven. I’m only a fragile virgin.” Nikki answers with some comic relief that has everybody scoffing and laughing a little too hard.

No more questions are asked about it though, and once Tommy and Mick follow Stevie outside to talk with the other guys about manly things, I’m sneaking off to Duff and Mandy’s room to call my dad and check on the baby.

It rings, and rings, and rings, and rings, until it goes to the answering machine.

“Hey, Dad, it’s Viv. I was just calling to check and see how Roe was doing. Call me back when you can.” I hang up, fumbling with the chord of the phone before picking it up again, dialing the same number.

Again, it rings, and there’s no answer.

Back to the answer machine.

“Hey, it’s me again, I forgot to remind you that he eats dinner at 5:00p.m., and no later than that because he has these weird stomach issues if he eats too late at night. Also, just a little bit of solid food, right now, and nothing hard – soft things only. Also, make sure his bottle isn’t too hot or too cold, he won’t even try to eat it if it’s a degree off. He’s picky. And his bedtime is seven. And he’ll cry for a few minutes when you put him in the crib but the doctor said just leave him there and let him cry it out. He goes to sleep after about five minutes. And don’t forget to bathe him – all his bath stuff is in his diaper bag. I washed his hair last night so you shouldn’t have to do that again, but be sure to bathe him good. Also he’s getting this rash on his butt, he’s got some ointment for it in his bag in that side pocket next to where he keep his bottles. If I don’t have enough diapers just call me back and I’ll get some to you asap.” I run on, not even realizing it. “And don’t forget there’s some fresh baby food in his bag, too. It’s in a little lunch box with an ice pack because we’ve been trying to stay away from that weird baby food in a jar that’s mixed up so I just blend it up myself. If he runs out and you wanna make him some more, he eats any fruits or veggies except peas – and he can’t have cantaloupe. He’s severely allergic to that, dad. But I just put it in the blender until it’s the consistency of pudding.” I finish, sighing out. “Alright, I think that’s everything. I love you, kiss my little man for me. Goodnight – but call me back when you can.”

I hang up, falling back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“You sound like me on crack.” Nikki says from the doorway, shutting the door behind him as he steps over to the bed.

“You can think I’m being paranoid all you want, Nikki, I’m just not comfortable letting him go off and stay for so long.” I don’t even look at him, feeling the bed sink under us as he lays down beside me.

“He’s with Johnny. That’s probably the safest place he can be.” He assures me. “Your mom, probably not so much, but…she just kinda comes with the territory.” He adds and I crack a smile, opening my eyes to look at him. “And since we are kid free, what do you wanna do tonight?”

“I don’t know if I’m in the mood for going out.” I admit, dreading the thought.

It seems anytime I go out now, I’m harassed more and more…which reminds me…

“Did Doc tell you about what happened?” I ask

“…What happened that Doc was supposed to tell me about?”

Shit.

Before I can answer, the door is swinging open, Nikki and I sitting up to see Mandy.

“Oh, sorry,” She mumbles, stepping over to the nightstand to open the drawer. “Food’s ready, by the way.”

“We weren’t doing anything.” I say to her and she shrugs it off as she grabs a new pack of cigarettes.

“It’s okay if you do. It’s not like that bed has seen any action in over two months, anyway.” She says it as she leaves, shutting the door, and Nikki and I look at one another, the both of a us a little stunned she said it.

It was, in itself, a remark that confirmed my suspicion that she and Duff had hit a rough patch in their marriage.

All of us packing into the kitchen table and at the bar connected to the kitchen counter next to it, we eat our food as Angela and Tansy talk about the house she and Axl are looking to buy, while Cheryl, Meegan, Sharise and Emi talk about the new Guns and Mötley stuff that’s in the works simultaneously, which shifts the conversation to touring cool places.

Steve and Tommy are talking about Steve’s wedding that’s coming up, Slash, Duff, and Mick talk about guitar riffs and song writing, while Nikki, Vince and Axl talk about preparations for getting back in the studio — Vince giving Axl tips on how to keep his vocal cords from getting shred over the constant recordings and re-recordings the way the had been when they recorded Appetite for Destruction.

Izzy quietly observes everyone else’s conversations.

“Did Duff tell you about Chicago, Viv?” Mandy interrupts to bring it to my attention, pulling me from my investment in the conversation with the men next to me.

“Mandy…” Duff starts softly, looking at her as if to say, “please, not now.”

“What? I thought she’d already know by now.” There’s a spiteful bite to her words.

“Let us finish eating and I’ll get into all that with her, alright?”

“All what?”

She says, “they’re moving to Chicago for the album,” just as Duff says, “We’ll talk later.”

It takes him a second to realize she just blurted it out, and now everyone else is silent, awkwardly waiting for Duff’s reaction to Mandy’s dismissal of his request.

I bite my tongue to keep from further questioning it, seeing how irritated Duff already is at the moment.

However, when Nikki attempts to make Duff feel better by saying, “Well, we’re moving to Vancouver to work on ours,” I’m blindsided for the second time in five seconds, and I’m not so gracious.

“What?” I look at him.

It’s as if now he remembers he hasn’t told me this, yet, meanwhile Sharise and Emi look as if they’ve known about it.

“I thought I had already told you.” There’s huge regret in his voice, mainly because he knows he’s possibly about to get a new asshole.

“You can come with us, Viv.” It’s as if Tommy isn’t even aware that the topic is about to start an argument, shrugging it off with a wide smile. “Tansy’s gonna be tagging along.”

The way Tansy squeezes her eyes closed and the expression on Axl’s face says it all.

“You’re what?” Axl asks his wife, and she opens her eyes and sighs out, dropping her own silverware.

“Can we talk about this later?” She asks him the question Duff asked Mandy.

“No, what business do you have going off—“

“—Backing vocals for their album, Ax.” Steve says as if it’s common sense.

He clearly knew about it before any of us — including her own husband.

“Backing vocals?” The red head doesn’t seem convinced in the slightest.

“Can we please just have a nice dinner? Please?” She asks him, gently.

“Viv, I really thought I already told you about all this.” Nikki mumbles to me.

“You didn’t until now.” I’m pushing my food away, not hungry anymore.

“When were you gonna tell me all this?” Axl asks Tansy next, and she raises a brow and bites back with, “oh, like how you told me you and Viv got arrested?”

She doesn’t mean to say it so loud, but now I’m the one squeezing my eyes closed and rubbing my forehead as Nikki and Duff blare out a sharp, “what?!”

I feel like everyone watching is having trouble choosing which fight to watch, still eating their food and drinking their drinks while Duff, Mandy, Axl, Tansy, Nikki, and myself are on the borderline of having an all out verbal brawl with one another.

“Some prick got mouthy.” Axl states before I can say it, and Nikki and Duff look at me.

“Viv, you’re gonna end up on house arrest.” Nikki complains.

“So, you’d rather her let someone be nasty to her and not do a damn thing about it?” Axl furrows his brows.

“You fuck out of it, she’s my wife — you bother with yours.” Nikki snaps at him.

“Alright, hey, look, we’re here to eat good food and spend time together so let’s just put off any fighting until after we’re finished, okay?” Mandy says, trying to calm everybody down.

“Amanda, you started all this mess by blatantly ignoring me when I asked you if we could just save the bullshit about me and the guys moving to Chicago.” Duff’s dam breaks, his words starting to come out in a slur.

“Well, it’s not my fault you suck at communicating with the mom of your kid, Michael.”

Once the government names are being pulled, the tension only gets worse.

Is this how people felt when Nikki and I would start up?

“Oh, I suck at communicating? Really?” I can tell he’s winding up to say something mean.

“Duff, just let it go.” I grab at his hand.

“I’m talkin’, Viv,” He brushes me off, squeezing my hand in his for a second, “That’s something coming from the woman who won’t communicate that the reason she treats her husband like horseshit now is because she’s pissy that her music career crashed and burned, while his is going fucking fantastic.”

The air leaves my lungs.

All of us fall deathly quiet and I’m pulling my hand from Duff’s in an abrupt attempt to try to silently tell him that was too far.

Mandy’s departure from the table triggers Angela’s, Cheryl’s, and Meegan’s, the three of the following after her to her bedroom.

“That was kinda fucked up.” Izzy tells Duff.

“If it’s fucked up, it’s fucked up.” Duff states with a cracking voice, tears in his eyes as he’s picking up his beer, but I snatch it from him, slamming it down on the table.

“…Welp, Sixx, I had fun.” Mick sighs to Nikki, standing up.

“Yeah, me too.” Slash adds, doing the same.

“You’re leaving?” Tansy asks him.

“Me and Meegan have plans, Tans.” He states. “But we’ll hangout sometime before you leave.” He adds.

“She’s not leaving.” Axl mumbles and Tansy glares at him.

“If I wanna go, I’ll go.”

“Yeah, and get strung out again.” He says.

“We’re all sober.” Vince interjects for the first time tonight.

“Oh, yeah?” Axl asks, glancing at Nikki.

“Yeah.” Vince replies, looking at Nikki, next.

It’s very apparent there’s a silent conversation happening between my husband and Axl, and it’s not one that gives me a good feeling.

And the longer they look at each other the more antsy Tommy becomes before he blurts: “it was one fucking time, man, alright? We got right back on the goddamn wagon!”

“What?” Sharise and I ask, she’s looking at Vince as if he’s guilty, too, but from his expression I can tell he isn’t.

“Tommy.” Nikki keeps his cool, getting a grip before he can ring Tommy’s neck.

“I’m sorry, man, alright? I’ve been guilty as shit about it and I just needed to get it off my fucking chest.”

“In front of her?!” Nikki says back, looking at me with a heavy breath. “It was a couple of drinks, Vivian.” He assures me, earning a scoff from Duff.

“And a mountain of blow.” The blonde blurts out and Izzy softly says, “Duff, stop fucking talking.”

“Yeah, like hell you’re going to different country with them.” Axl tells Tansy as she looks between Nikki and Tommy, disappointed while Vince looks outright livid.

“When the fuck did that happen?” He asks Tommy and Nikki.

“I’ll be back in a second.” I get up to go to the bathroom to calm down so Nikki and I don’t ruin a good night, and I hear chairs sliding out as I head to the bathroom, assuming Duff and Nikki, because I hear Nikki state, “I got it.”

Before I can even shut the bathroom door, Nikki’s pushing it open, inviting himself and Tommy in.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.” I tell them, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, taking deep breaths, tears in my eyes although I’m not even sad.

I’m fucking frustrated.

Duff’s apparently off to Chicago soon along with Izzy, Axl, Steve and Slash, and Nikki’s gonna be gone, too, with Tommy, Vince, and Mick…and now that Tommy and Nikki have already had a screw up…

“I’m sorry, Vivian.” Nikki says to me, quietly. “I thought we had already talked about the moving thing, and I didn’t tell you about me and Tommy fucking up because I didn’t want you to think we weren’t trying to take this serious.”

I don’t say anything, taking a moment to gather my thoughts.

“No, Nikki, you told me you guys were thinking about moving. You never told me you were doing it for certain.”

“Well, we’re only gonna be gone for about six months, and we were gonna ask if you wanted to come with us.” Tommy adds.

“I can’t. I have Monroe.”

“He can go with us.”

“Not if you two are diving into mountains of blow, again.” I snap.

“That was one fuck up, Viv.” Tommy assures me, crouching down in front of me. “We’re already back on the straight and narrow and we’ll stay there.” He adds.

“I can’t do anymore time with you two stoned and wasted, Tommy, I’ve done it enough and I’m fucking tired.” I say shakily, the mere thought of having to endure what I’d endured throughout the years brings tears to my eyes. “Cause I love you a lot more when you’re actually you.” I add.

“We’re not gonna be like that this time, Viv, alright? It’s gonna be fun – like, for everybody.” At least he acknowledges that it’s only been fun for the ones not sober the last time they made an album and toured.

It’s said as if it’s a no-brainer, as if he’s wondering why I’m stressing over the thought of it.

“Duff’s gonna be in Chicago. I just need to stay here so visiting him will be easier.” I conclude, rubbing my forehead, hearing Nikki huff out a breath.

***I think Nikki realized then that co-parenting and sharing custody with Duff was about more than sending some letters and pictures and calling often when Duff wasn’t in town.

It was going to cut into time between Nikki and I, and I think a part of him resented that.

I would’ve been comfortable with dropping Monroe off with his dad and getting him two weeks later, but I felt like Duff wasn’t ready for all that responsibility.

Tansy helped me out on tour, and I would be able to leave Monroe with them for a few days with her help, and she’d take care of him when Duff wasn’t available.

She was only able to do that, however, when she was able to take a break from backing vocals on the Dr. Feelgood tour.

But her keeping Monroe on the road with Guns for me only occurred a couple times before I just decided to tag along with them full time when it was time for him to stay with his dad, and I was glad I did.

There was too much stress, and Duff coped with it in all the wrong ways. He tried the best he could at the time, but he was not fit to be a father on the road. And I honestly think he had come to accept that, eventually.

“Well, why not go back and forth?” Tommy suggests. “Go see Duff for a little bit and come back? Split the time?”

“I’d have to go through customs and everything else constantly, Nikki, and with a baby…that’s just a lot to have to keep up with…why’re you guys even going to Vancouver?”

“Probably the same reason they’re going to Chicago. To get out of L.A.. There’s too much shit around here.” Nikki says.

I want to make a smart remark about there obviously being too much shit out here if they’ve already fell off the wagon once.

“I really want you to come with us, Viv. We’ll figure out the Monroe and Duff thing later. You’ve been around for every album we’ve recorded. I don’t wanna be up there without you.” Tommy says next.

This would be the first album of theirs I’d miss the recording of if I didn’t go.

I glance at Nikki, his arms crossed as he stares down at the floor, awaiting my answer before I look at Tommy.

“100 percent sober, Tommy.” I say to him, sternly.

I can see my childhood friend’s face shift as he realizes what I’m saying.

“And I mean it.”

“Deal.” He agrees before I can barely get the words out.

“Promise?” I ask next, holding my pinky up.

He doesn’t even question it, linking his pinky with mine as he says:

“Promise.”

His arms engulf me in a tight hug, squeezing me to him tightly with a smile on his face that’s ear to ear.

“Ah, I fuckin’ love you, Viv.” He says next, pulling away, holding my face in his giant hands and I hold his wrists, smiling at him.

“I know Tommy.” I reply, and he gives a dramatic “mwah!” when he kisses my cheek, hopping up.

“I gotta go call Heather and tell her.” He’s like an excited puppy, Nikki stepping aside to let him out before the door shuts again.

“You gonna forgive me as easily as you did him?” He asks as I stand up.

“Tommy’s Tommy. You’re not.” I flatly state, the smile dropping from my face quickly as I reach to open the door.

He’s reaching his hand over my head and shutting it, however, making me turn and face him, unamused.

[dorotheado]

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT TRACKLIST THEORIES

"Fortnight" (ft Post Malone) - gosh what a start. my guess feels unrealistic but i'm imagining a song that goes like 'day 1:' and starts at a brilliant relationship and ends on day 14 with a break up. lol. there were 2 ish weeks between the start of the eras tour and the breakup right........

"The Tortured Poets Department" - im imagining a real breakdown of lockdown like how the pandemic resulted in two people sitting in the dark writing tortured poetry. rip

"My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys" - interesting how this is self-objectifying (i.e. she is the toy). i'm assuming this is a bit like tongue in cheek, he loves me so much that he breaks me. imagining some poppy sounds tbh

"Down Bad" - ok so im expecting this one to be about being in love and it sucks. it just sucks. lol im really not guessing very many emotional facets in this album im sticking w like 2 ideas: in love or in pain so far lol. anyway

"So Long, London" - this place haunts me it has all my memories and i love it but it's too painful (SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (sidenote she will be singing this one as the last surprise song in london on the eras tour obviously)

"But Daddy I Love Him" - oh this one gonna break me i reckon lol like i am both thinking sad bop w extremely like sassy tone and also slow sad song realising the inevitability of it all. so idk how to reconcile those but 🤷🏻‍♀️

"Fresh Out the Slammer" - im imagining rock-y sounds with very get-him-back-olivia-rodrigo-vibes but mainly im just thinking "getaway car" IM OUT IM OUT desperation lyrics

"Florida!!!" (ft Florence and the Machine) - based on my very limited knowledge of florence and the machine i am picturing gospel backing vocals and lyrics about adrenaline rushes and desperation in the face of weighty emotions

"Guilty as Sin?" - literally no clue about this one. i guess like 'was it my fault?'

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" - anti hero extended? maybe like 'we had this fight and you're retreating... but what is there to be afraid of?' maybe a bit angry also ?

"I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)" - EVERYBODY IS DOUBTING ME BUT MY WHOLE LIFE I BEEN FIXING PEOPLE AND I'M 1000000% THIS GUY CAN BE FIXED AND THAT I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DO IT NO PLS BELIEVE ME (i am aware this is essentially just the title but i just am imagining very classic un-self-aware but also supremely self aware sad bop)

"Loml" - i'll be honest every time i just think of Queen & freddie mercury singing 'love of my life' lol but if i hazard a guess i will say loml DOES stand for love of my life and it's a painful love song (like this is the love of my life. maybe it wont last forever but it's the one chance i have. very "false god")

"I Can Do It with a Broken Heart" - i agree w jaime that this is giving long live 2.0 like 'yoh sang these words back to me and suddenly i have strength' but tbh i have been guessing long live 2.0 on every album since lover so watch me be wrong

"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" - FUCK U IT'S JOEVER (either hard rocky sounds or soft strings a la ivy/illicit affairs/invisible string)

"The Alchemy" - i'm imagining that the chorus ends with the line 'but what about the alchemy?' - i.e. everything sucks but the chemistry pulls us back together each time, a la "style"

"Clara Bow" - 'how must she have felt? i could take a guess'

"The Manuscript" - i thought this was it and it wasnt and maybe the invisible string wasnt between us but was just the direction of my life ?

"The Bolter" - oh classic me i just run! i always run! and i stayed but now im running! fable-moral-lesson vibes maybe?

"The Albatross" - it's hanging around my neck. im imagining epiphany type strings

"The Black Dog" - haunting me its haunting me everywhere i go, im imagining haunted but the despair is quieter.

[kawaii-mxllow]

ᯤ     𓈒     vent pt. 2   🎟️   ᰋ      ݁      ੭

substitute arrival

last year

it was all good until daily bickering between kaida and ms c

kaida kept calling people out for things that were minor and made the situation much worse by acting dramatic as fuck like girly??? get a fucking grip

i remember one time i was so fed up with her shit i stepped on her chair and sat on her table. people at my school were pretty well-behaved and respectful so that wasn’t often seen.

another bunch of students sided with me and attacked her table as an outlet to the anger we’ve bottled up for kaida

somehow someone told her everything. didn’t expect anyone to tell on us but i can’t say i’m surprised honestly. once kaida returned to school and acknowledged everything she just took another person’s table and swapped it with hers (assigned seats)

let’s call the other person alarice since she does appear a few times i think, but of course I’m not so bullshitty to use people’s real names. so anyway since it was seat-changing day kaida just snatched alarice’s desk and well alarice was definitely not satisfied with that crap

so we cursed kaida out in private but somehow she heard it and committed tattletale on us. to the discipline teacher (which for the reference everyone is afraid of) and the table-attackers, alarice and i landed in trouble. mainly me.

“well yeah, you’re in the wrong!” i know, but talk about being hypocritical. a few months after that issue, girly decided to sit on one’s table and put her legs on another?? not much people were witnesses due to kaida doing so during after-school activities

and most of the witnesses were her friends (the boys) and alarice. my memory’s a little foggy about the issue now, but i don’t think alarice saw it or either she didn’t want to tell on kaida. she’s kind-hearted, but most of the time she’s just infuriating LMAO

anyway the day after the event occurred, people found fucking footprints on the table. to make matters worse, the victim was a germaphobe. from what i know, kaida disliked malakai (the victim, fake name for privacy) so that was most likely why she did it.

that fueled people’s anger of kaida. because seriously? stop calling us out for doing these type of shit when you do it yourself. bffr being hypocritical is NOT funny! <33

i made a terrible mistake once, for unintentionally injuring alarice. she cried a lot, and i can never forget how much she cried. even until now, i feel really, really guilty for everything.

alarice was annoying sometimes, but still kind-hearted by nature. she didn’t want to tell on me (mainly because she didn’t want ms c to go on a whole rant) but kaida’s big fat ass had to butt in

and you know how fucking dramatic she is. she makes everything sound terrible, even the tiniest things. and it was fucking annoying. why? why was she constantly this way? did she not see how upset and guilty i was already?

this year

i avoid her now. i remember her calling out to me once, but i pretended i didn’t hear her and run away.

recently i saw her writing “fuck malakai!” with her other name on the bathroom mirror during the misty, humid days with another girl. i was the only person who witnessed them doing it.

even when people started crowding around, she had the audacity to wipe it away in front of everyone. everyone had doubts, but i kept silent. or at least, tried to.

kaida is ruining people’s fucking lives. i’m so glad i cut her out of my life.

[vault81]

OC Interview

I was tagged by @orionlancasterr to do an OC Interview! So here is Jacks! (though I may edit this later with more of them)

"Oh- you uh wanna interview me? fuck it why not! ask away!"

name:

"I go by Jack mainly, but I guess you want 'ma 'government name'"

He starts biting down on his lip while his eyes scan the room

"I think it's Jack Andrew Cooke, ha! It's been a hot minute since I had to remember that one! Not used that since the G.O.A.T! exam!"

nickname:

"My nickname? most folks just call me 'courier' or 'six' but back east people did start calling me 'the lone wanderer', That one doesn't exactly roll off the tongue like the other two though."

gender:

"I'm a male! or man! dude works too!"

star sign:

"Uhhh what's my what?"

After being told what a star sign is, he begins counting on his fingers to work out when exactly his birthday is and what that'd make him, breaking out in a bright wide-eyed smile when he finally figured it out.

"I'm a libertarian! Oh- Arcade say's I'm wrong, apparently it's 'Libra', close enough in my book."

personality type:

"My personality type? uh, I'm a nice guy, I guess? I can be a bit dense sometimes, but I try not to be mean or rude.. wait, that's not what the question means does it?"

height:

"The last time my height got checked out, I think I just shy of 6'3? no wait! Arcade is around my height! and he's 6'3 I think? so yeah! I must be!"

orientation:

"Uh- hold on, lemme check my compass.."

He tries to stop himself from laughing, as if he just made the funniest joke in the world

"Bahahahaha! d'ya get it?! orientation, compas- oh okay I guess It wasn't as funny as I thought... uh- I suppose you could say I'm into guys, always have been I suppose.."

nationality/ethnicity:

"American! I'm sure 'liza said we had some Scottish in us too, Wherever that is!"

favourite fruit:

"Hmmm I'm gonna say Watermelon! They didn't grow 'em often down in the vault, so when they did, it was always for a special occasion! I haven't found anything out here that compares to them yet!"

favourite season:

"Winter! I absolutely hate the heat- yeah I know I live in a desert whatever! But I just love when it gets freezing, wrapping up warm in front of a fire and getting all cozy! and the snow! I love snow!"

favourite flower/scent:

"Lavender, I think it's just for the smell really. It reminds me of home, 'specially Old Lady Palmer! she used to smell like that when she'd come and babysit us! It's just become a comforting scent I guess, If that even is a thing?"

A smile crosses his lips as he closes his eyes, softening as he briefly relives those early years of his childhood

coffee/tea/hot chocolate:

"I'm gonna go with hot chocolate! I don't like how bitter coffee can be, besides It messes with my stomach, so I can't really drink it anyway!"

average hours of sleep:

"7-8 hours I'd guess.. used to be I'd be getting 'round 9-10 but we're always on the move these days so I've gotta be up early!"

"Although good luck waking me up! I sleep like a brick!"

dog or cat person:

"Dogs! Dog's all the way! One of our first adventures outside of the Vault me and 'liza found a dog! he kinda just kept following us around, think his owner died or something, we ended up calling him Dogmeat!"

He smiles, looking down at his pipboy, a picture of a blue heeler smiling away while it gets a bath is on the screen.

"'course we had to give Dogmeat away when we left D.C, he was getting old by that point, so it was best for him. Besides, he's in good hands with Moira!"

dream trip:

"My dream trip? ya'know I don't think I really have a 'dream trip' never had a place that I've been dying to go! guess you could say I've always been about the journey rather than the destination."

favourite fictional/real character:

"Hmmm.. think I'm gonna say The Mechanist! what's not to love about a dude with a robot army?! I mean yeah he was a villain but rule of cool overrules I think!"

"Ya know that reminds me I actually met 'The Mechanist' a coupla years ago.. fought a 'gal dressed up as The Antagoniser, but I'll save that story for later!"

number of blankets you sleep with:

"I actually don't sleep with a blanket most nights, my body runs too hot! I end up overheating under those things, Arcade compares me to a human furnace, so he ends up hogging 'em all!"

random fact:

"I'm actually allergic to some types of medicine! my eyes get all itchy and swell up! mainly ibuprofen that does that one... I just pop a anti-histamine and I'm right as rain though!"

Jack jumps to his feet stretching out all his limbs and gestures to the door

"Now, was that all? I got a few errands to run for the Followers over in Freeside!"

Since I'm not too sure who to tag (idk who else has done this or not) I'll just leave it open for anyone who else who wants to do it!

[lustfillollipop]

This is my last time

Hear n said that a million times

Stole touching me and my heart

Emotions fucked from start

Get outta my life

Demonics n undertake my life

Go for it cuz I'm no good

I'll cloak too face covered w hood

Wild n smoked

Dark eyes meet bright

Feel forever revoked

Take me down w you

Cuz this level defeats me and you

What the fuck did I deserve

To get the deep end treading water hardly stayin above it

The man I once had

The one married to n ended bad

I hope he can forgive me

But hard for me to see the things clearly

But forever been a day

I cry instead of let laughter out anyway

I give my front n haven't got one

I need for much these days

N now my palms are sore

I don't wanna forgive and forget

Can we just act different n oretend we never met

Im rotting inside out

He's spelled every word in the spell perfectly out

Im tricked n hypnotized by all the words going through my ears n passed my eyes

Csnt seem to get Shit done

Stuck surfing n uncomfortable w people I thought used to be fun

Now dreary n dab n dull

I'm needing to move quick n now down from the addict

I'll slow my intake

I've met some huge big mistake

Im left dry n cold n sad

Shiverred under the blanket of memories of then

I want for u need

Help too much n out myself high uo to jump off the balcony

Flat I land 9 lives bullshit

Now im intro t if god faced w all the shit I forhot to repent n forgive

So my judgement times here

How'd thos stupid bitch slut whore do this time screw it bad or is she in the clear

Bitch is into clear alright but I think I need to see more n it'll be scary esoecially at night

I'm leah dumbass Cox who listens too much to people who don't talk

In my mind I met you

Now I'm ford Dr been searching to never let you

Go n slip away

But seems to be the ladder n im outta it all inckudibg you ..keft swiftly

I'm understood not at all

But im still trying to work throughmy mgk downfall

I cant n won't but ebd up

Doing exactly what i said it give up

Im emotional but have it less

With bkocked Shit out n I get all undressed

Bare naked n kinda a lady

Nothi g but bones skin n a beating heart maybe

That ticjs but not too much longer

I know times up me to pick or him on the side im not a kion mainly a cancer ctabby n swimming thirsty all the time

I wanted n got

Then I got unwanted Shit then skiooed up outta brain n forgot

Im easily forgotten

No impression left except the words I hit down...ventin

This is a call from the judge

Big guy hey u gimme some love

But then im kicking it out bubble surounded

Sad to say im me

Dry n not be yet founded

Divirced single n yet to g bigger

Shaved head growing little day by day unsealed mouth

No kissing sexual or any more coming out my mouth

Im sexually defiant

In the mood swing n rising up n down slowly

Between a rock but wanna be on

Now I feel some good stuff bouts to come on

He it or whatever tries to make me Help us someway anyway n it's doing its job now I know u can just me outta my funk come with me let's go not faking it mister for a the big trunk

I know that I'm smirking cuz im opposite of defiant u know I love u between n in me

Its not the first time for u

U seen this stupid type before n u hardly come thru

I'll find u n want u more but I know you're girl has demons w me n wants to even the score.

I don't wish that I didn't know

Imunfavored n not easy on the eyes like I maybe used to

Heavy u push in I feel your weight

Hips dig deep n within me u lay

I'm just trying to stay forever pull u in even more

Barley breathing n can see anyone around us anymore

My favorite thing n I gotta let u go

Cuz I put me in last n I like the front row

So when I are real ready singly tangible

U come back to me or just wait don't go