#go walk around a lot it’s really good exercise and very easy to do if you’re physically able and have a space to walk in

[gayestcowboy]

hey this may be a weird question so feel free to never answer but how did you go about gaining weight? you're so happy with it and i think it may be for me too but i wouldn't know the first step towards that happiness so,,

i’m gonna be so honest it just happened naturally when i went on testosterone. i didn’t drastically change my diet or exercise, if anything i ended up getting more exercise from walking all over my campus (i started t before i started college), and i definitely need to eat more than i used to, but nothing drastic. it’s just how my body reacted to having more testosterone. i didn’t expect it at all going into it, although i’m very glad it happened, but some people lose weight on hrt and some people dont have a weight change ag all, it just depends on the person. since i did literally nothing to gain weight other than hrt, and obviously i have no idea whether hrt is something you even remotely want to do, and hrt isn’t even a guarantee your weight will change at all, i cant do much other than share my own experience 😭 but i wish you luck in whatever you end up doing, and i hope you enjoy your body!

and this might be a weird answer, but if you feel comfortable, you could always try poking around in a weight gain fetish community somewhere online. it’s not really something i’m into so i can’t say whether or not anything will come from it, but i know it exists and it’s a group of people who know how to gain weight, and i’m sure some of them post about how they do it. i won’t give out any more medical advice on tumblr, and i hesitate to ask if anyone else has any advice, but i’m sure the very best thing you could do is talk to a medical professional about it, and just make sure to take good care of your body no matter how much you weigh. weight and health will never measure your worth as a person, but you should always try and take care of your body as best you can. and eat your veggies 👍

[weaselle]

RECOVERY

I spent a lot of my life depressed without admitting it to myself and then i spent a year so depressed i could hardly make myself do the bare minimum to keep my body alive, and now it's about 3 years since i got up from that lowest point and while i am still struggling with myself things are objectively a lot better.

and i just want to put a couple things i've learned, both to remind myself of how far i've come, and in case any of what i've experienced helps anyone else.

You can't run from the darkness

When you're super depressed it's easy to focus on how much you don't want to be depressed. When everything is darkness you tend to wish you could escape that darkness.

but you can't. The darkness is all around you. You can't run away from it without running deeper into it.

instead, follow the light.

don't think of it as escaping depression, think of it as seeking joy. Don't run away from the darkness, walk toward any lights you can see.

At first it will be very small things. The taste of a food. The way your favorite color looks. A smell you like. For me one of the first things i could find to remind me of joy was the way a warm shower feels.

I would just stand in the shower and lean into the tiny, tiny joy of that feeling. I would describe it to myself, how it felt good, what about it felt good. It didn't cure me, it didn't make me less depressed, but it was a little point of joy to focus on, to breathe into like a tiny candle flame in my darkness.

I would memorize that feeling, so that later, when i felt like nothing ever brought me joy anymore, i could think, no, that's your depression lying to you, you felt joy, however small, right there in the shower just yesterday. And, maybe there is more somewhere else.

Even today, it's been a hard week, i'm feeling a lot of hopeless and helpless feelings clamoring away at me, but... i have spicy soup. And spicy soup is a NEW joy. I found spicy soup joy as i was following any little light i could out of the deepest part of my depression.

I never put hot sauce in soup before then. But today i am drinking the broth of a very spicy soup and as much as everything else is complicated and difficult and scary and dark, there is a bright mote of joy in this sip of spicy soup. And in the next one. And the next. I enjoy it, i love it, all the more that it is new, and if i had given up four years ago, i never would have known this small joy, this new favorite tiny thing.

Who knows what other little joys i may find?

If you have come to a place in life where you have lost the knowledge of how to feel joy, it is important to remember that feeling joy is like anything else in life. The more you practice, the better you get, the more of it you can do at higher levels.

And there are only so many minutes in the day. The more of them you spend acknowledging what feels good, the less of them will be left for feeling bad.

you can't escape the darkness by fleeing from it, but you can find the light by moving toward it.

Chop Wood Fetch Water

Another thing i learned was a truth about the exercise advice you always hear.

For where i am in my recovery now, common exercise has very little impact. I don't really get the endorphins people talk about, and i don't tend to feel better about myself after i work out unless i already feel pretty okay about myself to begin with. i don't mean to say there is no point in me exercising, but, i walk about ten miles a day holding onto 8 energetic dogs and i do a fair amount of lifting and bending and stuff for my job, and it's fine but it's not, like, doing a whole lot for me at this point in my recovery (tho i do think more recreational exercise will come back into play a stage or two on in my healing process)

HOWEVER

There was a year there where i was only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. When i was only able to force myself to eat just enough each day to stay alive because i'd made a promise to myself, and that promise was almost all i had left.

and the right kind of exercise is what pulled me out of that.

the RIGHT kind.

See, someone close to me needed help with a physical job. That was an important part and why this method is known historically as some variation of Chop Wood Carry Water -- it's intensely physical, which is important, but also, it helps the people around you. These days our personal communities tend to not need wood copped and water carried the same way. But you can get the same effect helping someone move all their furniture, doing all the yard work for your friends and/or family, volunteering for a charity that builds housing for homeless people, SOMEthing physically taxing that helps people.

In my case, my aging father needed help re-shingling the roof. So i promised i'd help.

So i got up every morning because he was expecting me. And i climbed the ladder because he would see me if i didn't. And i lifted and carried and hammered and worked hard. It took a week of six to eight hour days.

Right away, the fact that it was helping someone else made it not matter so much that it didn't feel like it was helping me at first. I couldn't deny that i was doing something good, that my existence had positive meaning, however small.

But very soon, it changed something fundamental in my state of depression. You can't do physical labor in the sun 7 hours a day without drinking a bunch of water. Without working up an appetite. Without getting very tired at the end of the day.

See, i had been struggling to make myself drink enough water, i was fighting to make myself eat even one small meal's worth of food each day, and i couldn't get a good night's sleep to save my life. And these things all made my depression much much worse. You think you get sad or angry from skipping a meal, consider being chronically undernourished. You think your mental state is worse after pulling an all nighter, think about what never getting a good night's sleep does.

But a couple days into this job with my father, and suddenly i was hydrated, i was eating full meals, and i was sleeping soundly at night.

THAT is what pulled me out of that deepest part of my depression.

So in a way, it was exercise that saved me. But not how people often say "have you tried exercising?" More like pushing myself physically to the point that my body demanded the things that previously i couldn't get it to want for itself.

Instead of forcing myself to eat i was craving food. Instead of staying up to all hours and then tossing and turning, i was physically exhausted and slept early and hard. (and, weirdly, being physically exhausted was somehow a relief from being emotionally/mentally exhausted)

Lastly

Healing often isn't noticeable while you're doing it

"healing is a process" is something you hear a lot, but i think it's more helpful to say something like

"Healing is like growing your hair out from short to long. You can look in the mirror every day and not notice it happening. And even when you can tell for sure it's longer than it was, you still can't really do anything with it, and it may seem pointless. But then one day you can tie it back in a ponytail and you realize how much it's grown and how many options are open to you now and you're really glad you stuck with it"

Now excuse me while i go meditate on the joys of my remaining spicy soup.

[owliellder]

All Pent Up

MDNI 18+

Puppy Hybrid! Leon Kennedy x afab! Reader

Word count: 3.85k

Warnings: Porn w/ plot, unprotected p in v (stay safe), no use of y/n, spanking, crying, slight ass-play.

Description: After a long night at work, you come home to a very pent up Leon. A trip to the park to help with that energy turns a little sour.

Tags: Submissive! Leon, neck biting/marking, begging, cunnilingus, knotting, mommy kink, fluff, near illegal amounts of praise AND aftercare, a lovely creampie to end the morning

Not proofread. I am once again sat here bored at work. More self indulgence since I work the same kind of job aforementioned in this lmao.

Also VERY much inspired by @abp0rns art of puppy Leon, specifically the two I put below the crop. Please check out their art they gotta be one of my favorite doodlers out there.

Edit: cross posted onto Ao3 if it's easier for you to read there (cause it is for me)

It had been an incredibly boring night at work for you. Working graveyard at a gatehouse meant you did practically nothing. Easy money, sure, but you can only watch so many movies and doodle so much before it becomes redundant.

The only thing keeping you going was making sure your puppy, Leon, stayed happy and comfortable. You'd found him at the shelter a few months back, and though you never considered yourself to be a hybrid kinda person, Leon was just too damn cute at that shelter.

After adopting the hybrid, you quickly fell into a nice afterwork routine; come home, get jumped by Leon, make breakfast while he asked a plethora of questions about your night and made sure you knew just how much he missed you by licking and slobbering all over you. He was the sweetest boy, but man was he excitable.

Some mornings, you'd come home a bit more awake than others. It was random and you're not sure what made that so, but today was apparently one of those days.

~

"-sosososo glad you're home, mommy! I've been so lonely and bored without you!" Leon happily talked on after you'd walked through the door, his golden fur covered tail thumping loudly against the back of the couch. You remained quiet as you let him ramble, reaching up to pet through his messy bedhead with a smile. "I chewed on my toys, broke one of the squeakers though, but you've gotten me plenty of other toys for me to play with!! I really like this fluffy red pig you got me-!"

He continued to talk loudly about everything he did after you left for work only 8 hours prior, running around to grab and show you his chewed up toy and his favorite toy, tail continuing to wag avidly all the while.

"Alright, alright.. settle down, Leon.." You spoke up, cutting off his talk about laying in your bed so you could take a moment to shed your work clothes in favor of some more comfortable lounge wear; an old, faded graphic tee and a pair of soft sweatpants.

The hybrid followed you throughout the apartment while continuing to ramble, albeit a lot quieter now. Clearly Leon had a lot of energy this morning, which wasn't unusual by any means, but since you weren't all that tired this morning you decided that a trip to the dog park would be a good way for him to get some much needed exercise and enrichment.

After making breakfast, you dressed your puppy in a cozy outfit since it was always little chilly in the mornings where you lived, damn cold desert. You only had to reach for the leash for him to start jumping and yapping enthusiastically, making it rather difficult to hook it onto his collar.

You decided to stay in your comfy clothes, seeing as it would keep you warm enough until the sun warmed the air outside.

"Do you think Chris will be there?! Can you text his owner?? Who else is gonna be there?! I can smell the park from here!-" Leon rambled excitedly as he tugged you along to the park, smelling every bush and tree the two of you passed thoroughly. His tail never stopped wagging, those soft floppy ears perked forwards as he moved his head every which way, focusing in on every movement and sound while beelining to the park. He knew the way there, the leash was just to make sure you didn't get lost.

The air was cool the, sun beginning to warm you up. It was starting to bring out your exhaustion, but you wanted Leon to get at least half an hour of playtime in so he wouldn't bug you while you slept later. The thought alone made it easy for you to power through that brain fog that threatened to settle in.

You and Leon walked across the street once the tall chainlink fence that bordered the dog park was in view, the Golden Retriever hybrid practically dragging you to the other side of the street as his excitement grew. There were always other hybrids out early in the morning, the cool mornings were nicer for walks compared to the hot afternoons, at least in your opinion.

Leon was rubbing himself along the side of the fence, sniffing with a large goofy smile on his face. He had playmates that were normally here around this time, namely Chris, a German Shepard hybrid. Though Chris was a little bigger than Leon, they always played nicely, never having gotten into any sort of scuffle.

Chris was quick to notice Leon, running up to the fence so he could sniff him. They rapidly got each other riled up, so the moment you made it to the gate you unhooked the leash from Leon's collar. This wasn't so he didn't get choked out when he launched into the park, no, it was because the last time you forgot to unhook his leash first, you were yanked face first into soggy grass and mud.

The second you unlatched the gate, Leon pushed it open. He sprinted into the grassy park, Chris not far behind before tackling the smaller hybrid with a playful growl. The two roughhoused, chased each other, and played tug-of-war with a stick Chris had found.

You decided to sit on a bench not too far from where the boys played, looking up from your phone every minute or so to make sure their play didn't turn ugly.

Only 30 minutes had gone by before- "Mommy! Mommy!" Leon shouted from across the park, prompting you to look up from your phone. It only took a moment for your eyes to nearly bulge out of your head when you spotted a now brown Leon. His tail wagged, slapping loudly against the thick puddle of mud he was laying sideways in. "Looklooklook! Chris and I found a ball!" he yelled with a grin, Chris holding up the muddy ball high in the air so you could see it.

You sat there dumbfounded for a brief moment before letting your head fall back, breathing in and letting out a deep sigh as your eyes closed. You tilted your head forwards again, letting your eyes open slowly as your annoyance showed clear on your face.

Your puppy could see your expression change even from where he was, his ears drooping more than they were as the mud had weighed them down a bit. Seems like playtime was over.

Chris' owner wasn't all that happy either, walking over to the filthy hybrids only a few seconds sooner than you did. You pulled Leon from the mud by the collar since he seemed a bit stuck, glaring weakly at the now cowering puppy.

"Leon is always getting Chris into some sort of mess." Chris' owner huffed out, clearly irritated with the situation. You frowned, running your free hand over your face with a soft sigh. "I'm sorry, Leon just seems to really like the mud lately. I can't help that Chris follows, but I'll try to keep Leon from the mud." You didn't really care for someone implying your Golden Retriever puppy was a bad dog, but the idea of confrontation mixed with your ever-growing exhaustion was enough to have you just let it go.

After apologizing again, you let Leon shake off the excess mud from his body before hooking the leash to his collar once more, beginning to pull him towards the gate. He was very resistant to leaving, whining and whimpering something fierce. "I'm sorry! ImsorryImsorry! Please I'll be good! Let me stay a little longer mommy! Please I'm sorry! Mommy!"

As pitiful as he sounded, you now had to squeeze a thorough bath in for the hybrid before you were even able to think about sleeping. You continued to drag him along as he fought against you, crying out softly as you finally got him through the gate, closing it before he could run back through.

Your exhaustion was making you irritable, and having to fight to get Leon back home was enough to make you angry. It got even worse when he growled at you.

You stopped walking, the entrance to your apartment building only a few feet away. Turning around to face him, he immediately shrunk down at your furious glare. "Bad boy, Leon." Your voice was harsh, yet also so calm, it scared him. He hated being a bad boy, he never wanted to hear those words together again.

After you started walking again, he followed obediently, staying silent all the way into your apartment. He stood stiffly by the front door once you closed it, watching you stomp away. The puppy was on the verge of tears, his muddy tail tucked between his legs and his ears flat against his head.

Leon's bottom lip trembled the longer he couldn't see you, his ears twitching a bit as he picked up on the sound of the bath faucet turning on. His hands were clasped in front of his legs, head down in shame.

"Leon!" You called out from the bathroom, your tone still laced with irritation, he could definitely tell that much. The hybrid quickly shuffled to the bathroom, trying his best not to get clumps of dried up mud on the carpet along the way.

Leon stood in the bathroom doorway before you gently dragged him in, making silent work of his clothes that were absolutely caked in mud. He knew what to do afterwards, quietly seating himself in the bath, shoulders slumped. The bath was silent except for Leon's weak attempts to apologize, his voice faltering every time once he looked at your face. Your eyebrows were furrowed and you just looked so disinterested.

After the bath, you shooed the puppy off with a towel draped over his shoulders, lazily washing off his collar in the dirty bath water before unplugging the tub.

Leon sat in the living room, drying himself off as best as he could with the towel. Even after, he shook himself off on instinct, the towel left discarded on the floor. He had sat himself on the couch, still slouched with a strong pout on his face.

He knew he was in trouble. His stomach sank when you walked out and stood in front of him with that same irritated look. You then walked and sat next to him on the left. "Lay across my lap, Leon."

The Golden Retriever hybrid whimpered, though he did as he was told, laying himself so his abdomen was laying on your lap, his tail still tucked between his legs. He yipped when you grabbed the base of his damp tail with your left hand, roughly untucking it so you could get a clear view of his ass. "Look at me, Leon."

He turned his head and tilted it back slightly so he could look up at you, his eyes sad and watery. He didn't have anything to say for himself. "You growled at me. You've never growled at me before." You sounded upset, and you were. You didn't want to punish your sweet boy, but him growling at you for something so insignificant deeply bothered you.

Sighing, you pulled his tail up away from his ass even further, grip tightening on it as you felt him try and tuck it back between his legs again. Wordlessly, you drew your other hand back, a sharp smack along with a cry from Leon ringing out in the quiet apartment. You hated having to do this, but he needed to learn.

A few harsh spanks later and the hybrid's ass was bright red and sore, tears spilling down his face as he sobbed out barely comprehensible apologizes in between loud cries every time you brought your hand down on his tender behind. His hands gripped the couch cushion tightly, those pitiful sobs of his tugging at your heart.

Once you feel Leon'd learned his lesson, you gently ran your hand along both his ass cheeks, soothing the hot and red skin while your other hand caressed the base of his tail. You waited until his crying quieted to talk to him again, listening to him sniffle wetly as you let go of his tail to wipe away his snot and tears.

"Okay, okay... there you go, sweet boy. All done. I'm all done..." you whispered to the whimpering puppy hybrid in your lap, shifting your body sideways so he could climb up and lay his head against your chest. You combed your fingers through his hair with one hand while the other stroked the side of his face, clearing the few stray tears that continued to fall.

Leon buried his face into your chest, hiccuping out muffled apologies as he brought his hands up to wrap around you. "I'm sorry mommy. So-.. sososo sorry... Didn't mean to, mommy..."

As he trembled against you, you couldn't help but feel terrible for punishing him that way. He'd never been bad before, the punishment really shouldn't have been so harsh..

You waited until he quieted to speak up again, tilting your head to the side slightly so you could see his face a little better. "...you took that so well, Leon. Such a good boy for mommy, huh?" Despite the suggestive undertone, you made sure to talk softly, careful not to upset the delicate puppy on your chest.

He lifted his head up slightly, nodding weakly as his eyes turned glassy once more. "Please.. I'll-I'll be a good boy for you m-mommy. I'm sorry- I'm so so sorry mommy- I didn't mean to growl- ImsorryImsorryIm-"

You shushed him, running your hand from the side of his face up through his hair as he began to cry again. "You're a good boy, Leon. I forgive you, baby.."

All Leon wanted to do was make this right. He never wanted to be a bad boy again. He hated the way you spoke to him, the way you had looked at him. It was so scary, he wasn't a bad boy, no, he wasn't.

His mind was flooded with everything he could possibly do to make it up to you, tears falling onto your shirt as he pulled himself up off of you. He crawled backwards and sat back on his haunches, giving you a wary look as he tucked his fingers under the waistband of your sweatpants.

"Oh, Leon, sweetheart, you don't have to-" "Please..." Leon's meek voice cut you off, making you pause for a moment before nodding with a smile. His hands trembled as he pulled your sweatpants down, taking your panties with them. The hybrid hiccuped again before bringing his head down between your thighs, putting your legs over his shoulders as he cautiously placed his hands onto the points of your hips

It only took a second before he shoved his face into your cunt, whimpering at your smell and taste as he licked between your folds. You gasped, feeling his tongue eagerly lap up your slick as it leaked out of you, his low whimpers vibrating deliciously against you. "Leon~... oh~.. easy, boy..."

You reached a hand down to gently stroke his hair, attempting to get the puppy hybrid to calm down a bit still. He was obviously so eager to please, though he was still shaken up by the punishment; tears falling from his eyes, quiet sobs muffled by your pussy, eyes closed, and cheeks flushed a beautiful pink. His tail had started to wag again and you were relieved to see it sway slowly. You just wanted to see your puppy happy and excitable again like he always was.

Leon continued to lap at your cunt, keeping himself firmly buried in it. His breathing was a bit shaky but you just let him do what he needed to do, reaching your hand to the right a bit so you could stroke one of his soft floppy ears. He sighed at the feeling, his tail wagging a little faster.

"That's a good boy, Leon~... god- such a good boy for his mommy.." You praised the hybrid as he worked his mouth on you, the praise causing him to whine into your cunt. His eyes peaked open, looking up at you as small tears fell from them. "Good boy~..." You ran your hand down to stroke your thumb between his eyes, prompting him to close them again with a sigh.

Your words encouraged him further, sucking at your clit when his tongue wasn't buried inside of you. The puppy hybrid licked all around, making sure none of your sweet slick was left to waste. He eased his grip on your hips, partially worried he would hurt you, but mostly cause he adored the way you writhed when you drew close to your orgasm. He relished in how you pulled his head impossibly closer, practically grinding against his face, using him. What a good boy he was.

Leon was in heaven when you came, whimpering into your cunt as you gushed against his face. He made sure to lick up everything he could, even dipping down to your ass for a minute, tongue flat against the puckered hole. He'd be mad if he saw the couch got some of your juices.

After a moment, he pulled his head away, resting the side of his slick covered face against your thigh as he looked up at you with those puppy-dog eyes that you just couldn't resist. You knew what he wanted, and who were you to deny him?

"My good boy wanna fuck his mommy? Show his mommy what a good boy he is?" You whispered, to which he eagerly nodded in response, his ears perking up. You could hear his tail thump lazily against the back cushion of the couch, all the while watching him lick his lips. "I-I'll be a good boy for mommy. I'm a good boy-..good boy for mommy.." he mumbled quietly, hoisting himself up onto his haunches again after carefully laying your legs down off his shoulders. His thick cock was leaking pre-cum, flushed red at the tip while his knot was fully swollen. It was hard to look away.

Leon continued to mumble to himself, almost like he was trying to convince himself that he was a good boy. His breathing was still shaky as he watched you flip over, your ass up in the air while you rested your elbows on the armrest of the couch.

The poor thing was practically drooling at the sight of you, frozen in place, just staring at your glistening pussy. Your voice snapped him out of his trance, a hushed "Pretty boy..." causing him to lurch forward and mount you without further hesitation.

You cried out as he shoved his cock into you halfway, stopping only to grab the skin right above your collarbone with his teeth. He made sure he was positioned properly, shifting slightly before pushing his throbbing dick all the way. He whined at the way your slick walls gripped him, his knot pressed firmly against the outside of your cunt.

Leon's teeth broke skin as he began to piston in and out of you. He was drooling, whimpering, moaning, and his tail was wagging so fast. He loved the way his mommy felt, gripping his so tightly, sucking his thick cock in.

His let go of your skin to lick at gently, which was a stark contrast to his fast and rough thrusts. "So sorry mommy- sososo sorry.. never growl at you again- ah~..! I-I'll be mommy's good-.. good boy.."

The hybrid panted next to your ear, reaching his hands up and under your loose shirt to grip and massage your breasts. His fingers pinched and tugged at your sensitive nipples, causing you to moan loudly. You could feel every bit of his cock as he slammed it into you over and over again, the tip kissing your cervix which made you hiss at the slight pain it caused.

"Gonna- hnghh~.. gonna fill mommy up.. gonna be mommy's best boy again..." Leon whined, tilting his head to the side so he could nip at your neck, kissing and licking under your jaw. He sucked numerous hickeys down your neck, making quick work of the other side as well. He wanted you to remember how good he was for you, how much he was willing to do to make things better, what a good boy he was for you.

It didn't take long for him to near his own orgasm, his chin resting over your shoulder as his hands had worked their way back to your hips. He was so close; the sounds of your moans, the sinful way your pussy squelched with slick as he fucked into you, your smell, the lingering taste of you on his tongue, everything was just so overwhelming.

The puppy hybrid didn't have the words to give you warning, only a long drawn out whine as his hips stuttered forward, knot stretching you open. You came again from the feeling, barely being able to clench around his knot. It was just so big.

With his cum pumping into you, you could only groan pleasantly at the feeling of being so full, his knot having basically plugged you to the point that none of it could escape.

You could partially register Leon running his hands up and down your body, anywhere he could reach in his position, bunching up your shirt in the process. His large hands felt nice, helping you come down from your high. He was whispering something, you couldn't make out what, but it was probably the same thing he'd been spewing before.

~

After Leon was able to pull out of you, you made sure to reassure him over and over that he was your good boy, and he'd always be your good boy.

You made him a little snack once you'd cleaned yourself and him up, seeing as the park and your at-home playtime had influenced his appetite quite a bit. You loved to see him happy again; those beautiful blue eyes crinkled with a smile as that fluffy tail of his wagged.

Your body finally realized how tired it was once more, your brain catching up with that as well. You waved Leon, who was elated to follow you, into your room, practically bounding in like a deer. He begged to lay the way you two did on the couch, and again, who were you to deny him?

You laid back, head on your pillow as Leon nestled himself on top of you. He laid his head on your chest, turning his head to the left as he rested his arms on either side of you, his hands just barely tucked up under your pillow after pulling the blankets up over the both of you.

"You're the greatest boy anyone could ask for, Leon. Always taking such good care of me.." you whispered as his eyes closed, his tail going from a lazy wag to a stop as he fell asleep.

"I love you, my sweet boy.."

[i-will-be-skinny-by-2025]

Fasting Facts:

-Water fasting cleanses the body, as the stored food (fat) is used rapidly and the body simultaneously expels built up toxins.

-If you are fasting for weight loss (um, yeah!!) and are following a juice or tea fast, a few days on just water will intensify the fast.

-Fasting can clear the skin and whiten the eyes and initiates rapid weight loss (yay!).

-Water fasting is not recommend for a first fast as toxins are released into the blood very quickly.

-Fasting makes it easy to overcome bad habits and addictions.

-Fasting allows you to have taste appreciation for clean, natural foods.

-Going on a fast can give you the motivation and the enthusiasm you need to make a fresh start! (And we all need a fresh start from time to time.)

Fasting Info:

-Distilled water is best for water fasting.

-Juice made w/fresh, organic fruits is best for juice fasting.

-Do not drink orange or tomato juice on a fast.

-You can dilute your pure juices w/water.

-Green juices made from leafy green veggies in a juicer are great for detoxifying.

-Pure veggie broths are good (with no seasons added).

-Herbal teas and honey can aid in fasting.

-Typical fasts (going totally w/out any solid foods) usually are performed as 3 day, 7 day, 10 day, 14 day or 21 day increments. 28+ days should be supervised. (Or at least the person fasting should let someone know they are doing it.)

-Break a fast by eating raw fruits and veggies the first five-seven days after your fast. Go back to solids slowly.

-Do not binge or overeat after the fast (or during!). Try to discover the amount of food your body really needs.

-Meditate, go for a walk, take lots of naps, journal, listen to music, take long, warm bathes and relax. This is your time for healing, losing weight and gaining self-control!

More fasting tips:

-Many people experience nausea and headaches during fasting and this is often caused by caffeine withdrawal (and we all love our caffeine here) so I recommend, if possible, if you are a heavy soda or coffee drinker start tapering off about a week before the start of your fast. This should do the trick and make it a little easier and your headaches won't be so painful.

-After your fast, when you start to eat normally try very hard not to gorge. The calories you take in directly after your fast will stay with you a lot longer than those acquired when your metabolism is up. Also, you could experience pain and become very ill.

-Don't eat a big meal the night before your fast and never end your fast with heavy foods. Keep it light w/raw or lightly steamed veggies and fruits.

-Dry skin brushing helps your skin to breathe easier and can help eliminate uric acid and other poisons from your system, taking the strain off your kidneys and liver. Start at the feet and stroke your skin towards the heart. Do these before you shower.

-Epson Salt baths are soothing to sore-achy, weak muscles and also help eliminate toxins through the skin. Warm Epson Salt baths are great during fasts.

-There are many types of fasts, here is another: The milk and fruit fast: 3x a day, a glass of milk, raw fruit and water in between.

Some more tips during your fast:

-Try to get plenty of sleep. And if you can't stand your stomach growling the first few days, and are tired of downing the H20, take a nap... listen to some soothing music and drift off.

-Get a massage. If you can afford it, or have your partner or a close friend give you a good rub down or deep tissue massage. This really soothes muscles and makes you calm and sleepy. It helps when you're having trouble sleeping due to hunger during your fast. Plus, it awakens your body, pushes the blood around, etc.

-You may feel weak during your fast so if this is the case, be careful of black outs and don't exercise until you've finished the fast... Stick to stretching, light walking and deep breathing.

-If you suffer from diabetes, hypoglycemia or other similar conditions, please be very, very careful fasting. I'd say don't fast at all but if you feel you can do it safely, you may need a slice of avocado or a banana... You could also add protein powder to your juices.

-Sometimes during a fast, the person will experience back pain. If so, a cold pack will help.

-Canker sores can be healed quicker by dabbing tea tree oil or vitamin E on it.

-If you are just too tired on your water fast, go to a juice fast and if you are already juicing, drink more carrot and melon juices for energy.

Water fasts are always the hardest but fastest for weight loss and detox.

Juice fast is next best and somewhat easier, especially for first time fasters.

You'll lose pounds faster if you have a fast metabolism and slower if you have a slower metabolism. On average, fasts allow you to lose 1-2 lbs per day. Some experience more around 3-5 lbs per day. You'll lose the most and the quickest during the beginning of your fast.

[lustrousbratz]

How do I truly become a pink Pilates princess on a budget?

Pink Pilates Princess 101

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

When I think of a pink pilates princess, I think of a girly person that romanticized their life in terms of wellness! a lot of people find the phrase annoying but i think it’s fun and cute! Here’s some things you can do to feel more like a pink pilates princess 💞

pic credit: all 3 pics from me posted on my pinterest @ nallyssajones

1. Doing pilates!

There’s mat pilates (only need a mat) and reformer pilates (using a reformer machine). Going to classes multiple times a week can be a tad expensive, so an alternative would be:

A) Signing up for paid subscriptions that have detailed classes for e.g; Alo moves, Pilates anytime, glo etc.

B) Following videos from youtubers that do mat pilates. My fave channels are; Move with Nicole, Sanne Vloet, Dansique fitness (she mostly does hitt pilates videos)

* Yoga is another amazing way to get movement in and feel connected to your body and spirit.

* Go on a hot girl walk! Going on mini walks around your neighborhood or even your house allows you to get some steps in daily.

2. Eating well!

pic credit: my pics posted on my pinterest @nallyssajones

This is different for everyone but here are some ideas that you can add to your diet;

- Drinking green juice

- Try out yogurt bowls! It's my favourite breakfast food because it's easy to make and can be very nutritious depending on what I put into it. I like to add greek yogurt, a nice granola, matcha powder, frozen and fresh berries, pomegranate, ground flax and almonds🫐🍓

- Increasing protein intake. A lot of people have tried to eat 1 g per each lb that they weigh daily and have felt really good. My fellow anemic girlies, please increase your protein intake if you can!

- Taking your vitamins/supplements! get a blood test done to see what you’re deficient in and research supplements that might be helpful for you personally.

3. Finding cute workout+lounge sets

(pic credit: from @ lyssithadoll on ig and twitter)

Working out and going out in cute loungewear and workout sets can make you feel really nice and girly! I like to thrift nice quality brands like lululemon or even purchase specific pieces from depop and poshmark! Amazon is a good place to find sets as well but I would recommend buying high quality secondhand pieces💞 Some good brands to look out for are lululemon, alo yoga, halara and girlfriend collective.

4. Get cute exercise equipment

pic credit: my picture posted on my pinterest and ig @ nallyssajones

Get pink workout equipment if you’d like! Marshalls, dollarama, and amazon sell workout equipment that you can get for $5-$20! I got the pink fila mat in the pic above from marshalls for $19.99:) Here are some equipment ideas:

- yoga mat

- yoga strap

- wrist/ankle weights

- 5 lbs dumbbells

- gym bag

*these things aren’t needed btw! just ideas if you’d like to have more equipment.

5. Practice self care

You can do whatever self care that you'd like but here are some examples that you can incorporate into your life:

- Take a relaxing bath (the book "ritual baths" has amazing bath ideas

- Engage in your favourite hobbies (sports, reading, watching a tv show etc.)

- Spend time with your loved ones

- Take care of your skin and have a routine down. You do not need 15 products but even adding a serum or a spot treatment to your routine can improve your skin!

***************************************************************************************************

I hope that you liked this post! This is all for fun and anyone can be a pink pilates princess 🧚🏾💞

[itsrecoverytimebitch-blog]

Ridiculously long post of depression tips

In the words from some of my favorite books, people and games:

"Road to recovery is a long one, but you will make it." - Volition from Disco Elysium

"Be selfish. Be brave." - Babel

"You can and you will make it." - Someone I know

This will be a ridiculously long post as I'm trying to put everything I know/have learnt over the years on it, so might break it into parts if need be. I'm not a doctor, but fellow survivor and this is what I've found useful. Take what you need from the post. WE GOT THIS!

Basic self care

Crucial. Important. In some cases, life or death.

I will include the obvious tips and some random specific ones.

Sleep

It literally heals your mind when got right. Some things to make it happen:

Go to bed and wake up at the same time. Even if insomnia keeps you awake, stay consistent with the bed times.

Give yourself ridiculous amount of time for the rest. When I'm bad and in recovery, I start prepping for sleep at 8pm. People will not mind, they might be a bit surprised at first, but it's not really their business.

Be firm with yourself about technology before bed. I strive for putting my mobile off for the night, and only look at it AFTER I've had my morning coffee.

Really long walk and some kind of sleepy tea of your choice is an EXCELLENT combo for good rest.

Sleep is also tied to other basic self care, so you need to be doing all of it - but good news, more you do the easier it gets because you get better.

If you fuck up any of these points - say, stay until 3pm on your phone looking at memes - don't beat yourself up (even if that's the natural thing you'll want to do when you're suffering from depression), but don't give in either, thinking that letting yourself KEEP doing this is self care and being merciful on yourself. No. If you fuck up, it is okay and human, but KEEP AT IT. Think of all the process you've made so far despite the fuck up. Keep going. Don't let yourself get discouraged by one or few fuck ups, but make it a top priority to get back on track. You will make it. You deserve a good life and sleep will definitely help.

Food

Making food while depressed is exhausting. You need to choose the ingredients, buy them, then make the food. And your depression might tell you lies, such as what's the point and I don't deserve to eat well. But they are lies! You do deserve it. It is important to do this right to not get into financial ruin, and keep a healthy diet. This is tricky, but you can get there. Some tips:

When you're doing a little better, prepare a LOT of food, and then freeze a lot of it. Little gift for the future self who is struggling.

Keep a lot of easy good snacks around. Include fruit. Eat when hungry.

Speaking of fruit, have some at the house and eat often.

Include protein in your food. However, if you really are struggling and there's nothing but pasta in the house and you're starving, eat the damn pasta.

Accumulate a lot of simple recipes you can make quickly. Tomato pasta with some protein is a good one, especially with some Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese.

Making food can be helpful for depression, although when the worst is on it's very hard. But if you're a little better, it can even be therapeutic to focus on it. Try making something that takes a while, like pizza.

When you're getting even more better ('cause you will!) offering food to others is good for mental health for secret reasons. But if the thought exhausts you as you read this don't worry about this for now.

If you excercise, horde some protein snacks you can eat immediately.

Congratulate yourself for keeping up with this, and every time you've gone through the day with a good healthy diet. It is not easy.

Similarly to sleep, if you stray off course, know this is natural, change is hard, don't beat yourself up, but get back on track. I believe in you.

Exercise

Did someone say "extra fries"? Boomer minion memes aside, this is another really really good thing to do. Get this: You can literally force your body to create endorphins, even when you're mind is in the mud. It also helps with both appetite and sleep, and self-esteem. It also can help you find an outlet, and it helps focus yourself on the present. And it is such a concrete way of fighting an illness which feels so not-concrete. Some tips:

Make plans with people or find a workout buddy. The peer pressure is an excellent way to motivate yourself even if your mind makes bullshit excuses. It may feel intimidating to ask someone but I promise a lot of people want to get into working out but find it hard to motivate themselves too, so you really are also helping them at the same time too. Societies or groups are also good, as long as you go each time.

Think of working out as a fight against your depression. Because it is. Think of your depression being this big Dark Souls boss fight. (gif below for anyone not familiar.) You are struggling, but you are fighting against it, and you're a survivor, and you're badass af for keeping on fighting.

BTW above gif: that's you drinking some estus flask (water) before you tackle again the task of fighting your depression by working out because that is how badass you are.

Do the workout, no matter what your mind tells you.

The kind of workout that raises heart rate is really good.

Long walks are also REALLY good. I don't know what it is about them, but they are magical. You might find cats on the street or cool birds too.

Yoga is also good. The YouTube channel Yoga by Adriene is very good, she's so gentle.

Remember that after any kind of work out congratulate yourself and remember you are a fighter and you've just taken even more steps to battle against this thing, it's not easy and you've done it and you should be beyond proud.

That's it for this post but I will reblog this with more tips in the future so stay tuned folks. I will cover at least things like people, hobbies, therapy, values and goals and staying organized, but I'll add more if I think more.

I've struggled with this for a long time but I can and will make it towards being better and so will you.

[cvlutos]

♡ J.H BOYFRIEND

HEADCANNONS

♡ Jack Howl is the type of boyfriend that if you have any hair in your face, to subconsciously move it. Always commenting how he can't see your face, even if it's purposeful. He likes seeing your eyes and lips when you smile or laugh and he also like being able to read your expression easily. He can't do so if you have hair in your face.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who won't go outta his way to match with you, but I'm the same breath will. If you wear a piece a gold jewelry, he's also wearing gold jewelry. If you have a silver bracelet, he's wearing a silver watch. Little things that match, he's not trying to flaunt, but even if your both far apart, it makes him feel even more so connected to you.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend to over prepare, especially when you are involved. If he's planning a simple jog in the morning for himself, he's bringing the bare essentials, phone, headphones, water bottle, timer, and that's it. If you're jogging with him, suddenly he needs a first aid kit, a entire backpack of different healthy snacks, blanket in case you get cold, plus 15 other things you don't possibly need of a 30 minute jog. He just wants to make sure you have everything you need to enjoy yourself,. especially if you don't like jogging nor exercise, he really appreciates it when you step out of your comfort zone for him.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who oddly enough loves board games, he isn't a fan a video games, though he'll play. (Lowkey good at very simple task oriented games like Stardew, or any games with a list of things needed to be done) Jack loves board games, especially when it's just you and him having friendly competition, there's someone so romantic about sitting across from you moving plastic pieces, though Jack will no go easy on you, and if you want to win, you gotta actually try.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who does everything 50/50. If you cooked dinner, he's cleaning the kitchen, if you did the laundry, he's folding. You cleaned the living room, he's cleaning the bedroom. He enjoys not only doing things well and living within a clean environment, he also doesn't expect a home to be maintained single handedly. Jack is the definition of "teamwork makes the dream work." And he's so supportive, even if it's an activity he completely doesn't understand, he wants to celebrate any and every achievement.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who is very communicative. If something is bothering him, he'll wait until you're in private to address the issue. He's not the type to get jealous nor is he insecure about his standing, but in the rare chance he is, he rather face it head on then let resentment grow. Jack also is a very honest person and won't lie to you either, unless absolute necessary, he acts with his head alot more than his heart, and if you're more in the opposite, Jack can regulate and won't push and issue of youre over emotional. Even if you need time apart, Jack wont let that stop him from making sure that you're okay and that he loves you regardless of an argument.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who's possessive but not jealous. If he has an issue with another person flirting with you, he'll bring it up to the other person and ask them to stop. If they don't, then he'll go to you, and let you fix the issue if you can. He puts a lot of faith and trust in you and doesn't believe you'd ever betray him, which is way he can't help but roll his eyes when another person tries and asks you out, only to be rejected. It inflates his ego just a bit.

♡ Jack is the type of boyfriend who walks around the house wearing grey sweats and tank tops. And gets so smug if you get even the slightest hint of distracted by it. Especially with his white haired happy trail, that occasionally shows when he raises his arms to stretch. He purposely does it cause he likes you being inlove with him and you constantly showing it. Jack often finds himself teetering on the line of love and obsessed, he simple loves sending every part of his day with you and finds it difficult to be far from you. He hopes you feel the same way he does.

ⓒ 2023 cvlutos — all rights reserved. Any sort of plagiarizing, copying, modifying, translating, editing of my works are strictly prohibited.

[m00nt4r0t]

✮ what are their TRUE intentions with you? ✮

pile one, two, three, four, five or six?

think of a specific person as you choose your pile to see their true intentions towards you! also, these are short messages and very specific, so choose multiple piles if you feel called to do so!

top middle image created by myriadinart!

patreon ⋆ m00n shop ⋆ masterlist

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile one!

song on shuffle: "lotto" by tiacorina

their true intentions are not good for you, pile one. this person wants to make you feel insecure and powerless when in comparison to them. this person is very sneaky with you, and they're also very selfish. they with-hold as much information and generosity as they can from you. i'm seeing that this person wishes to hold as much power over you as they possibly can. this is someone who is very materialistic and may spend the last of their bag just to buy something that they don't need in order to feel valuable to others. they are most likely the type of person to buy clothes rather than pay their bills on time (maybe not clothes specifically, but the point is they've very reckless when it comes to their finances.) this person has a lot of inner conflict and they really don't even know what they want nor who they truly are at their core. they're very jealous of you and your home; they see you as someone who is very angelic and easy on the eyes. this person feels a lot like an energy vampire.

confirmation for some of you: this person lying to you often, not telling you about an offer, gatekeeping their interests and belongings, your own belongings missing after they've been around you, this person not smiling at you when you're smiling at them, they seem to always question your abilities and/or downplay your accomplishments in some way, they're always watching but never liking

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile two!

song on shuffle: "melting" by kali uchis

this person wishes to grow with you, pile two. they want to learn how to love you the way you need to be loved, and they also want you to do the same for them. the person on your mind truly want to grow and heal together with you. they don't want to give you anything small; they want you two's foundation to be sturdy and unbreakable. their true intentions are to make and build a happy family with you - whether that be with kids, pets, plants, or just considering you their own family. they may also want you to meet their family, and for them to meet yours. not going to lie, this person could've manifested you, or maybe even do spell-work in order to attract your attention towards them. this could be someone you've walked away from in the past or very recently. this person is very addicted to you, pile two. without you, this person is very sad and tends to fall back into bad habits and mindsets. this person wishes for you to nurture them and take care of them, possibly because nobody else can do what you do for them.

confirmation for some of you: you suspected this person manifesting you (and/or doing magick on you), this person is a bit manipulative but doesn't intend to be, they're very clingy with you and may always be watching your story/liking your posts, they are judgmental of themselves and their appearance, they care a lot about their health (and yours) and may talk about exercising, dieting or other self-care things a lot, may have cooked for you or offered to.

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile three!

song on shuffle: "DOGTOOTH" by tyler, the creator

this person does not have long-term intentions with you, pile three. this is someone who is all for the chase, but once they've caught you, they're already looking for the next chase. they're only interested in having fun and satisfying their short-lived desires. this is a mindset this person has, this is an intention they have with everyone. this person wants what they want and if they get it, they're ready to part ways and move on to the next. this person is unhappy at their core, which is why they're unsatisfied with everyone they come across; they want other people to fill their cup, but there seems to a leak because of their own neglect of their emotions and true desires. this person seems to be depressed when they're alone and/or not doing anything for too long. this person craves freedom, but then make false promises to people who are looking for true love. they are very sneaky, pile three. one of their manipulation tactic is being very soft and romantic with someone, letting them in on their creations and dreams, and possibly taking them out and buying gifts; but if things get too serious or they get bored, they're gone.

confirmation for some of you: they agree with all of your opinions without saying their own opinion, they seem to be "dick-riding" you (especially after an argument or being exposed), they make a lot of false promises and almost never fulfill their promises, they don't respond to you for long periods of time but when they do they love-bomb, you've seen this person lie a lot to other people, this person makes it seem like you have to have some sort of social value in order to be seen with them, they lie about not knowing people when they clearly know them

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile four!

song on shuffle: "show me how" by men i trust

unfortunately, this person is not intending to balance anything out with you, pile four. the person on your mind is very adamant on doing whatever they want whether this hurts your feelings or not. they seem to enjoy being sneaky and conniving - they get a thrill out of it. justice in reverse twice, alongside the devil twice. this person may have some sort of addiction that they said they would try to get over, but in all honestly i feel that they're doing the exact opposite of that. this person is very prideful and makes a lot of false promises, similar to pile three. it seems as though this person is proud of themselves for getting away with as much as they did - but they always get exposed somehow, you just may not always notice is. pay closer attention, pile four. the universe is speaking to you. this person is very immature, foolish, and values all the useless things in life. you're better off without them, if i'm being honest with you. you may get addicted to this person's energy because you're a healer and you feel that they need healing, but they're only going to drain you for as long as you allow them to.

confirmation for some of you: you have dreams about this person doing wrong in secret, they may have an addiction to entertainers (if you know what i mean), they're heavy into politics and you may argue over politics often, they're very touchy when they want something from you, they brag to you and others a lot, they've made a lot of promises that they didn't even put effort into fulfilling, this person may even be honest about some of the things they do behind your back but only after they've already been exposed

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile five!

song on shuffle: "part iv" by $uicideboy$

this person wants to carry out your destiny with you - they want to see you shine, pile five. they see the light you have within and they ultimately want to break the shell you keep yourself in and push you into the spotlight, where they feel like you belong. this person has a lot of deep love and feelings for you; they do not want use you. they simply want to help you. this person wants to enhance your creativity and help you to show your creations and talents to more people. this person wants to make a lot of decisions for you, mostly because if you choose then you won't choose public recognition or anything that has to do with following your dreams. i also get the feeling that this person does have a developing crush on you. although i don't feel that this person has any ill intent towards you, i am seeing that they are very generous with you because they want something in return - such as your love, time, and energy (maybe even your ideas as well.) this person knows that you're very creative and emotionally mature, so they'd do almost anything to keep you in their life for the long run.

confirmation for some of you: this could be a cousin of yours (minus the developing crush part lol), if not your cousin then they could be someone you met through your cousin (or a mutual friend), they have freckles or draw them on, they have very taboo kinks and desires, they are a bit edgier or listen to edgier music, they may try to have subtle power over your opinions and decisions by asserting their own thoughts onto you, they may be a bit flirty with you as well (if this isn't a family member of yours), they're very interested in what you're creating

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ pile six!

song on shuffle: "summer bummer" by lana del rey & a$ap rocky

this person wants forgiveness in this situation, pile six. they want to heal something with you, maybe something you two have gone through together, or that has happened between the two of you that caused pain and distraught. they want to put the situation to rest and move forward together into true, blissful happiness and love with you. they want you to work together and figure out how to make things better. this person doesn't want the silence or the awkwardness to last between you two; they want to put in the work and see the growth. they are willing to be very patient, but it does seem like they're tired of waiting. they feel as though you're not willing to put any work with them, and that you may not be putting any effort to heal anything with them. this could be because they were the ones that messed up the most in the connection, so you might have a hard time trusting and letting this person in again. this person is trying their best to get over their shadow side and may act as if they've already taken care of their issues, but they still have a lot of work to do.

confirmation for some of you: this person downplays their mistakes, they may have gaslit you in the past (or currently gaslight you), they try to appear more structured and collected than they truly are, they keep a straight face during harsh conversations, they prefer to be alone than with a group of people, they forgive you extremely easily (so easy that it's kinda suspicious), they could've done a lot of things behind your back thinking you wouldn't find out

﹒ . ⊹ ♡ ⁺ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹ ❀ . ﹒ ₊ ✮ ₊ ⁺ ⊹

thank you for reading & interacting! <3

patreon ⋆ m00n shop ⋆ masterlist

[wildflower-playground]

❤️‍🩹🧸ways to cope when age regression isn’t an option🧸❤️‍🩹

regression can be a great coping method and can be very healing to your inner child, but sometimes it just isn’t working. whether that’s because you physically can’t regress for a while, you don’t have the time or space for it, it’s activating a particular trigger, or any other reason — it’s important to remember that you always have other options!

it can be easy to feel lost if agere is your main coping skill and it’s suddenly not available or not helpful anymore, so under the cut i’ve compiled some simple de-stressing strategies to try out instead! :]

have a meal or snack and drink some water! physical needs are important :]

speaking of, use the bathroom and take a shower or bath if you need one. sometimes we don’t even notice it’s been awhile!

move your body, however you’re able to! some examples are going for a walk, dancing around to music, stretching or yoga, getting the mail from the mailbox

have a chat with a friend or family member. human interaction is good for us, even if it’s only for a few minutes!

if you’re okay with touch, go hug someone you love (human or animal hehe)

help someone else in a simple way; maybe do a chore for them, send them a little card or gift, or listen to them talk about their day for a bit. sometimes it can be a good distraction while also feeling nice to help!

do something creative! crochet, paint (even finger painting counts!), play an instrument, build something, redecorate your room, put on colorful makeup, etc

do some deep breathing exercises, and/or try a few grounding techniques

clean up a bit! i know it can be overwhelming, but even picking up just a few items or cleaning just one area can help you feel lots better.

journaling can be a good way to sort out what you’re feeling! you can just write whatever you feel like talking about, or you can look up prompts online to get you started

weighted blankets or heavier stuffed animals (or even pets!) can help with anxiety and sensory issues

pay attention to any negative sensory input and do what you can to fix it: is the room too bright or too loud? is your clothing itchy? do you need some time alone?

find some pleasant sensory input: use a scented lotion or candle you like, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, listen to your favorite music album, turn down the lights in your room, watch a sensory video you enjoy

do something to stretch your brain! work on a puzzle, read a book, or start learning a new skill you’re interested in

try something new! getting out of our comfort zone can help us to feel more alive and excited about life. bring along a loved one or a comfort item to give you courage!

do you like to pray or meditate? if you do, make some time for it and try to let yourself really relax into it!

make plans; it’s important to have things to look forward to, even if it’s just a trip to a cafe you like or a video chat with a friend

surround yourself with comforting objects (for instance, your favorite blanket and stuffed animal, a photo book of fun memories, etc!)

age dreaming can often be a fun coping method even if regression isn’t an option. try doing some of the things you’d normally want to do while small, without pressuring yourself to actually regress!

finally, ask for help! it’s always okay to reach out for help. you are not alone, and you don’t have to figure everything out by yourself!

okay, that’s all for now! please keep in mind that i’m not a mental health expert and this is by no means a complete list, but sometimes i need reminders of what else to try when regression isn’t working and so i hope it’s helpful to others in that way too! it’s totally okay if some of these things don’t work for you — take whatever’s useful and leave the rest.

don’t forget that you can always send me an ask or message if you need someone to talk to, little ones. sending you all hugs! 🫂❤️

[heartbranches]

Spoilers for Strange New Worlds

Wow. That latest episode was a banger.

For those of you who haven't seen it, skip this post!

----

So there's a lot of ambiguity over what M'benga does to Rah at the end. Does he stab him in cold blood? Does Rah start it? Does Rah deserve it? I've seen people talking about it as an intellectual exercise and yet, I'm not really struggling with this one.

I'm coming at this with having personal experience with PTSD, and if the son of a bitch who gave me that PTSD is now walking around like his farts smelled like roses, while I get to spend my days wallowing in terror and pain, and now wants to to use ME as a means of proving that his halo is made of pure gold when my blood is made of acid thanks to him?

No matter how many times I tell him NO?

Fuck that motherfucker. He is getting stabbed in the FACE.

Because not once, does Rah acknowledge the damage he has done to M'benga or to Ortegas and Chapel. This is very telling for people who just want to be Forgiven and Need a Second Chance and are Atoning. What are you doing for the people you *actually* hurt? If you are sincere about changing and being better you acknowledge that not everyone is going to give you a hug and hear you apologies. You can't force your apology on people. You can't force people to forgive you (like Rah found out).

Rah literally walked up on a pissed off angry grizzly bear that he had personally and thoroughly tormented and enraged, and tried to force it to hug him. How in God's name did he think that was going to work out?

(and in b4 someone comments on my usage of grizzly bear, when I'm triggered sometimes I feel like a giant feral grizzly bear that's about to start eating furniture, hence the metaphor)

People who haven't been traumatized often don't get that. They want you to play nice. They want things to be good and easy. They want nice edges and soft surfaces. They want you to fold your trauma away and give your tormentor a handshake because the messy business of your trauma doesn't fit with anyone's gameplan. Which often isolates and makes the trauma even worse.

There's the banger of the line that I'm paraphrasing here, that "Some things can't be fixed, only managed" and it was like, YES, THAT, EXACTLY. That's what it feels like, some days.

It also makes Chapel's character make sense in a whole new way, too. Doesn't want relationships. Doesn't want to be tied down in any way. Doesn't want anyone getting close to her, even if she starts to have feelings for them. Because if they get close to her and see what she saw there, and see the broken, jagged, ugly pieces inside of her, she might start screaming and just not stop.

[annabannnananana]

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ vi x skinny!reader & vi x buff!reader ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

hcs for vi x fem!reader - skinny!reader & buff!reader

word count: idk man i’m not counting all that

tw: none, unless you get triggered by mentions of skinny!reader being skinny/ thin/ underweight/ etc or of vi groping/stroking buff!reader’s muscles ig

a/n: i have…. absolutely no idea how this came to me. but it did. so. enjoy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ vi x skinny!reader ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

• vi is very protective of you since she’s worried you’ll get hurt esp in a fight cus you’re so thin

• you always reassure her that you know how to handle yourself and she doesn’t need to worry

• but she still worries ofc - she really wants you to be safe

• she works out with you all the time to make sure you’re doing the right exercises to maintain muscle strength, even if you don’t build a lot of visible muscle

• she loves hugging you bcus you’re so easy to wrap her arms around <3

• and she loves picking you up and swinging you around like vander always used to do to her when she was little!

• she likes laying on your chest, like while you’re cuddling or watching something or eating together or really doing anything, cus your defined ribs (still significantly softened by your flesh & muscle ofc, but pretty bony) feel kinda like the thin beds she and powder used to sleep on when they were kids

• constantly checking on you to make sure you’re eating enough and that you feel good and that you’re not hurt

• ofc she’d do this with her partner no matter what but she esp checks up on you all the time cus you’re skinny/underweight

• it’s not an extremely important issue to her since you’re very healthy and fit, just a bit thin/underweight, but vi does still make sure you’re ok at all times - she just doesn’t what to make you feel like she’s constantly worried about you when you can take care of yourself or that she has to worry about you just cus you’re a bit skinny (even tho it is nice being babied by her sometimes)

• vi also doesn’t want you to feel like a baby just cus you’re a little thin, she tries not to talk to you like you’re a child, tries not to hover over you or treat you like a kid that can’t handle themself

• but she does try to be gentle when she talks to you and is always asking you if you need anything, if she can do anything for you, if you’ve eaten today, etc

• it’s funny cus to you she’s sweet and kind and caring and gentle - 4 words most people who know vi would never associate with her

• “hey muffin! how you doing? need anything? no? alright, just wanted to let ya know i love you and i’m here for you. hey, have you eaten today? no??? do you want me to make you something? yea, i’ll go make you some toast, anything for you, muffin. love ya!”

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ vi x buff!reader ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

• she loves your muscles

• always gripping and stroking and touching them whenever she can

• not without consent, until you’ve been dating awhile and you’ve established she can touch your muscles whenever she wants

• vi is pretty buff herself, so to her it’s like a competition to see who can get buffer - you vs her

• she loves showing you off to everyone like “hey guys look at my buff gf isn’t she so cool”

• and then she’ll always be like “but i’m buffer ofc right guys” and you usually end up having to give her a brutal noogie

• loves smacking your ass all the time bcus like the rest of you it is also very buff and “muscley” as vi likes to say

• she’ll just be walking around the house if you’re standing, maybe you’re cooking or something, she’ll just walk up and slap your ass

• she thinks it’s the most hilarious thing in the world

• she loves working out with you and doing strength competitions (e.g. arm wrestles, how many push ups can you do in 1 min, how many pull ups can you do on a gymnast bar before you give out, etc) bc it’s a lot more fun for her with someone as buff (if not more, which she’d never admit that you’re buffer) as her

• sometimes when you two are bored you’ll pretend to be damsels in distress and act out romantic plays where the super buff hero saves the damsel in distress from danger and then the damsel’s all “my hero!” and they kiss and get married and that’s the happily ever after (aka where you and vi ran out of ideas to keep the plot going)

• sometimes you two just carry each other around the house just for the fun of it, and to prove that one of you can carry the other and hop on one leg up the stairs while balancing a stack of plates on their leg

• vi usually tricks you into doing this, purely for her amusement, and you can usually tell when she’s tricking you (into anything, not just carrying her) but you go with it anyway cus it’s fun and you love to see her smile <3

• “hey guys, have you met my girlfriend? no? oh well, her name’s y/n, she’s super buff as you can see. but i’m buffer of course right? hey - muffin - ow! quit it! hahaha! y/n! stop!” **

** end was vi getting noogied by y/n lol

please tell me if there’s anything you think should be removed or changed! i love feedback!

thanks for reading, please like & reblog if you enjoyed <3

[4-arab-gay-slave-fantasy]

My Summer Internship.

Under Master Abdul

Skiviesman@aol.com

CHAPTER 1

8:00 pm on a Friday. It's true that being a litigation summer associate at a large law firm is generally an easy gig, but sometimes stuff has to be done. Better reflection of real lawyer life, I suppose. I finally shut my computer and got ready to head out.

My name is John. I'm 25, just finished my second year of law school in Athens at the University of Georgia, and interning in a large Atlanta firm for the summer. I grew up and went to college and law school in Georgia.

I'm 5'6”, about 150 pounds, with straight, short brown hair and brown eyes. Thanks to my Anglo—Saxon ancestry I have a naturally smooth torso. I have a fairly average to below average cut 5 inch cock. I'm gay, and openly so, but not very experienced. I've bottomed a couple of times, and generally have no interest in topping.

I walked to a nearby gym where I liked to work out. I used to be a soccer player through high school, but I was intrigued to find out that there was a gym with exercise equipment in the downtown area. I discovered there was one immediately next to the building where I work. The gym tended to close early on Fridays so it was pretty dead. There was just one guy there, manning the front desk. His name was Jake, and he was the evening manager. He was 6 feet even, 180 pounds, brown hair, and green eyes, with a trim build. No indication he was anything other than straight, which was a shame. He wasn't exactly a genius, but he was nice enough.

I smiled and flashed my gym card. As I ruffled through my bag, I was dismayed - I forgot my gym clothes! I looked at Jake, and asked, "Hey - I forgot my gym clothes. Do you have any I can buy and use?"

"Sorry, no," he said. "We just ran out of stock and I forgot to order new ones, so we won't have any until next week."

"No problem," I responded. "Hmm, any chance you'll let me workout in my boxer briefs, socks, and undershirt? I'd just hate to have to go home to grab my gym stuff - it's a good thirty minutes away. Plus, I was going to use the gymnastics stuff, anyway - no need for gym shoes."

"I don't know about that," he said. "The gym is pretty strict about not using underwear in the gym." He pulled out the manual and looked at the rules. "Undershirts, underwear, and socks are all off-limits. You can't work out in those."

"Damn it!" I was frustrated. "Any workarounds we can do?"

Jake read further. "So, it technically says: you can't wear underwear as your outermost clothes on the gym floor. But, you just need to have a collar and cover your male private parts. And, no pubic hair is allowed to touch the equipment. I think I saw something that might work..."

I was perplexed, but the gym was empty and I wasn't going to miss this chance. "What do you have?"

He looked in a lost and found box. "I think these two could technically work." He fished out a thick, black, leather dog collar - big enough for a fairly large dog. "This could fit around your neck, I guess."

"So I'd wear my undershirt with a dog collar?" I asked. I was a little confused, and to be honest, a little turned on - I hadn't really done a lot of BDSM play but I was intrigued.

"Well, no," he answered. "Just the collar. No undershirts, remember? But there isn't really a rule against being shirtless as long as you have a collar..."

"OK," I answered. "But what about the rest?"

He fished out a silver metal chastity device, still in its box. "Looks like someone left it here. It might be small. But, the book only says your penis must be covered. Nothing about balls or ass..." he mused.

At this point I was terrified but also very turned on. "I think it'll fit. So I just need to wear this collar and this chastity device. Is that it?"

"Hmm, maybe one more thing," Jake began. "No pubic hair. Think you can use this hair removal cream?"

I was so turned on at this point. I nodded. "OK," he said, "you can go in the locker room and get ready. I can take that key," he gestured towards the chastity device.

I headed off to the empty locker room and stripped naked. I put my clothes on the bench and stared at my naked self in the mirror.

Just then, Jake walked in. "Hey man, sorry, I was about to take a piss. Hey, need some help with the hair removal cream?" I nodded in a daze. He rubbed it on my cock and balls and my asshole. "Should we do your pits

and legs too? I guess they technically come around puberty, right?" I was not in a position to object, so he did it. I was hairless from the neck down.

My hard dick would have to go down in order to fit in the device, even though I was smaller than average. I thought about some un-sexy thoughts uand finally got it in. The steel coldly but firmly kept my persistently

stiffening dick in check.

Jake then put the collar around my neck and tightened it so it was firm but not strangling me. "How's that?" he asked. "Good" was all I was able to sputter out.

"All right, then. Enjoy!" Jake smiled and waved as he headed out.

I stepped into the exercise room, naked except for a collar and a locked cock, my dick straining against the steel and dripping pre-cum. I felt the cool breeze of the Air Conditioner and went off to hit the exercise equipment when I noticed the gymnastic equipment. I was interested since watching the recent Olympics and wanted to try on them. There was the rings, the pommel horse and the female event parallel bars and balance beam.. I felt exposed and turned on, even though no one was there. I was humiliated but also horny as fuck.

I imagined people watching me, eying my naked body. Watching my smooth, muscular frame. I wondered if people would lust after me as I held a handstand. I spread my legs in mid-air and felt the cool air on my exposed asshole. My dick throbbed in its cage.

I wondered if men would look at my smaller than average cock cage and wonder how small I must be in order to fit in there. I was humiliated, but turned on. The idea of critical eyes looking at my body and evaluating

how it did - and did not - measure up.

I thought about how smooth my torso already was naturally, due to my background, but how much more boyish my body looked without pubic hair, armpit hair, and even leg hair. I wondered if men would deride me as a lesser man. Would they think of me as a weak boy. Was I a boy who deserved to wear a collar and be locked away, for real men to teach and play with. I thought of all the men fully dressed, and how much shorter I would look standing in bare feet. I felt vulnerable and exposed, but that only made me hornier. An hour and a half must have gone by. I heard the maintenance folks go into the locker room and leave. I was about to head back to the locker room when I heard a male voice. "John?" I turned around and my heart dropped.

===================

CHAPTER 2

Standing there were four full-time corporate associates at my law firm; all of them were dressed in work clothes, and had their gym bags with them. I didn't work with them, since I was in a different practice group, but I knew them all since they were friendly folks and worked a lot with the summer program. I forgot that this gym had a basketball court, and that these guys liked to play 2 on 2 after work on Fridays.

ABDUL- was an Arab corporate associate - he had been with the firm for many year. After having moved

from his home in Saudi Arabia to attend law school in the Atlanta area he had decided to stay in the area to live and work. He was a young 49 years old. A dark masculine guy who was an avid gym goer. He stood 6’4” had short dark black hair. On his face he seemed to have constant heavy 5:00 shadow no matter how much he shaved, dark eyes, a vivid white smile which gave him the appearance of enjoying life but at the same time had an imposing, almost threatening demeanor that was animal like. He was a natural leader of men.

PHIL - the guy who spoke - was a 32 year old corporate senior associate. He had played lacrosse at university and was still a generally muscular, if a little less rock hard, 6’ tall. He was pale and had fiery red hair and blue eyes. He had a bit of a southern accent as he had grown up in North Carolina.

MIKE was a lawyer in our international arbitration group. He was married - he met his wife at the law firm when they were summer interns years ago- and had a bit of a beer belly, but was a handsome guy. A little bit of dark chest hair poked out of his shirt. He was also 32 years old, 6 feet 2 inches tall, had brown hair that was between wavy and curly, and dark eyes. Belying his New England roots, Mike was always seen wearing boat shoes around the office - luckily, not a big issue at the firm, since it wasn't one of the really stuffy ones.

Finally, ANDY was a soft spoken guy who worked in tax. I had heard he was engaged to a woman he clerked with for a judge the year before. He was 30 years old, had curly brown hair, green eyes, and wore glasses. Andy was more of a co-rec sports guy in college - somewhat fit, but never really jacked. He was the shortest in the group at 5 foot 10, but still noticeably taller than me.

"Hey guys," I responded. "It's not what you think -"

"No worries, "Abdul said. "We used to joke that the rules for what you can and can't wear had some weird exceptions. But I guess those exceptions are real!" He quipped. All four laughed, and I laughed uneasily along with them.

The four guys approached and I began to feel more comfortable. "Don't even worry about it," Andy said. "We're not telling anyone at the firm. You do you!"

We chatted a little bit about how the summer was going. Like I said, these guys were nice and friendly, and I didn't feel threatened. I felt more and more at ease as we continued the small talk.

"I can't help noticing," Mike started, "how smooth you are. Are you naturally so smooth?"

"Not really," I said, "they have that rule about pubic hair and all, so I used hair removal cream on it."

"Can I feel?" Peter asked. It seemed like a weird request, but like I said, I was getting more comfortable. "Sure," I said. Peter ran his hands on my chest. I shivered a little bit.

The four guys began getting a little more comfortable about it. "OK if I feel your pits?" Abdul asked. I nodded. "Can you put your hands behind your head?" I complied. "They're so smooth," he murmured as his rough hands grazed my exposed armpits.

Mike looked at Andy and asked, "I wonder how smooth his dick and balls feel." Andy responded, "go ahead, he doesn't seem to mind." Mike held my cock and balls, feeling the bare skin. No one even asked me at that point. It was humiliating but kind of exhilarating, like I wasn't even there. I was just being inspected by these men.

Peter touched my nipples, and they firmed up. "Perky!" he exclaimed. The guys laughed. I gave a small smile.

Without saying anything, Andy knelt down and gently touched my ass cheeks. "Can you spread your legs a bit?" I did. He spread my ass and touched my asshole. "This is definitely smoother than mine," he observed.

The guys chuckled.

"This is alright, right?" Peter asked. I nodded. "I guess you're pretty much naked and exposed anyway, right?" I looked at the floor in shame. "Nothing to worry about," Andy chimed in. "It's just like biology class, looking at a body that is so different than ours." The other guys expressed their agreement.

Mike looked at Peter. "This cage is pretty small, but looks like it fits him." Peter nodded. "Definitely smaller than me." Andy and Ryan agreed. "How big is it," Mike asked, holding my cock cage and looking at Peter

and Ryan, not even looking at me. "Um, 5 inches when hard, I think." "Yeah, that's smaller," Mike said. I was humiliated. But why was I enjoying it so much at the same time?

Abdul looked down at my dick in his hand and noticed I was leaking quite a bit of precum. "Looks like you're a little turned on!" The other guys laughed. I reddened and sheepishly nodded. "Happens to all of us. But now, my hand is a little...sticky."

"Oh, and it's getting on the floor too," Andy chimed in, standing up after prodding my asshole for a couple of minutes. "I think the cleaning staff has left for the night though."

Peter looked around. "I don't see any cleaning tools. We should probably clean that up though."

Out of nowhere, I blurted out, "I guess I could lick it up?" The other guys were stunned. Mike broke the silence: "yeah, makes sense. It's your mess, anyway. Go ahead."

I knelt on the ground and licked the pre cum. I looked up and saw Abdul's hand also with a little pre-cum. "Would you like me to clean that up as well, Abdul ?" A small smile spread on his face. "Yeah, please." I licked

the pre-cum off the palm of his hand. I heard Andy nearby say, "that's so humiliating." Peter agreed, "yeah, but he's gotta clean it up, right?"

I stood up. "Well, we should probably get going," Peter said. "Off to Abdul 's to play some poker. You take it easy, John!" I nodded and waved as they walked away chatting amongst themselves.

I headed to the locker room and made a horrible realization. My clothes were gone! The maintenance folks must have taken them. Also gone was the key. A post-it note was left on the desk, which stated: "put in lost-and-found, pick up on Monday." The gym was closed for the weekend, and the staff wouldn't back for a couple of days!

I frantically looked around, wondering what my next move would be. I was stuck in nothing but a collar and a chastity device! What was I going to do?

=================

CHAPTER 3

Not really knowing what to do, I started after the four men, who were just leaving. "Hey, wait up!"

Phil looked back. "What's up, buddy?"

"I'm kind of in a pickle," I began. "My clothes are gone, and looks like the staff is gone for the weekend. Any chance you guys could lend me some clothes?"

The four looked at each other. "I don't know," Mike said. "All my gym clothes are sweaty, and they're too big for you anyway. You'd look ridiculous in them." The others nodded in assent.

"Wait," Abdul said. "We can't leave him here, though. Maybe we bring him to my place, we were going there to play poker anyway." "Sounds like a good idea," Phil responded. "But should we check with the guard of the parking garage in the building? Might look a little suspicious having this little guy walking around pretty much naked." Phil flicked my cock cage, and it bounced up and hit my abdomen. The guys laughed, and Andy patted my ass. I shivered gave a shy smile.

"I'll go talk to him," Mike said, and he walked off to find the night guard. While waiting, the rest of the guys conversed about work without me. I stood there naked, ignored, like I wasn't even present.

A minute later, Mike came back with a middle-aged white man in his 40s, with a scruffy red beard and a satchel in tow. "This must be the guy," he mused, and the four associates burst into laughter. "Well, I can release him into your custody, but he's clearly got a penchant for trouble, so you'll need to make sure you can control him."

Control? Custody? Those words struck me as odd, since it wasn't like I belonged to the four guys, or anything. But that stirred something in me. My cock swelled up and my nipples perked up. I felt a little pre-cum flow once again.

The guard rummaged around in his bag. "Someone left this dog leash, but I think it should work with the collar. Just to make sure he doesn't go anywhere." He handed it to Abdul, who attached it to my collar. I was a little shocked but said nothing. "You probably don't want him running off," the guard continued. Abdul gave the leash a hard tug, which jostled me off my balance, and everyone laughed again. "He's not going anywhere

I won't let him," Abdul declared.

The guard looked in his bag some more. "You probably don't want him distracted either. How about this blindfold?" Phil agreed. "He's already very stimulated by the whole situation." He placed the blindfold on me and I could not see at all through the thick leather blindfold."

"One last thing," the guard said. "He's probably a little freaked out, and probably would be better if kept it shut."

I heard some movement, and felt two rough hands hold open my mouth. A clean, leather bit was inserted in my mouth and locked around my head. I could no longer see or speak. But for some reason, it only turned me on more.

"I think that's it!" I heard the guard conclude. "Hope you enjoy this boy and he gives you no more trouble."

"Thanks, man," Abdul said in his deep Arab accent spoke, as the guard's footsteps indicated he was walking off. "Let's go, boy. Gotta get to the poker game." With nothing else to do, I followed as they tugged me along. The four associates continued to talk as if I wasn't there. I wondered where the night would take me.

==============

CHAPTER 4

I couldn't see, but I could hear and feel as the four associates led me through the underground parking garage of our building. I didn't hear many cars or people, so it must have been pretty empty. Made sense, since it was late on a Friday in the business district, so it was pretty dead. We stopped and I heard Abdul say: "here's the car, hop in!"

There was a pause. Mike asked, "where do we put him? I don't think you want his bare ass messing up your precious leather seats?" All laughed. "I guess not," Ryan started. "But can we just put him in the cargo hold

of my Escalade, all trussed up like that?"

"Wait," Peter responded. "I just dropped off my dog at my parents' house last weekend. I think I still have the pet carrier in the back. I was planning just to leave my car here until Monday since parking is free over the weekend. How about that?" The guys murmured in agreement.

I felt a wave of humiliation as I heard them get the dog cage and herded me in the back. I heard the trunk door close and the car start. I had never felt so humiliated, so mistreated. And yet, my cock had never been harder. I could feel pre-cum dribbling out, even though I couldn't see it. All of this, of course, was restricting my cock keeping me from getting fully erect.

After about half an hour - although it felt like eternity - we arrived at a swanky apartment building. I heard the guys get out and Abdul hand his key to the valet. "We've got some cargo in the back," I heard him say. "Could you bring it through the loading dock and have them bring it up to my room?"

"Sure thing, sir," I heard the valet respond. The car moved again, this time with me and just the valet. I heard him whistling as he drove into the parking garage.

The car stopped, and I heard the guy get out and open the trunk. I heard him chuckle. "What do we have here?" I heard the valet yell out, "hey guys, here's a delivery for 1007." Two guys came by and lifted my cage out. "Nice," I heard one of them say.

"You know the drill," I heard the other start. "Need to make sure they aren't hiding any contraband here." I felt the two men's hairy hands probe my asshole, jiggle my cage, and feel around my mouth through my gag. "Nothing here, but this asshole will probably be full by the night," the other said.

They opened the cage and yanked me out by the collar, and brought me to attention. I could not see anything but I knew there were several men around me Again talking like I wasn't there, I heard the first one say "bring this to 1007 using the service elevator. Make sure to bring it to the back entrance, wouldn't want to scandalize the neighbors." The other guy led me by the leash through what i assumed was the hall to a service elevator. As the elevator started moving, I heard him say, "you're in for quite the time, kid." He laughed.

The elevator stopped and he tugged on my leash for me to move forward. I heard a door open and felt him latch my leash to a hook somewhere. He forced me to kneel where I was standing. He started scratching behind my ears like I was a puppy "Wait here for them to pick you up. Maybe your new Master will have me take you out when you need walkies to do your business" the man said. I heard him laugh as I heard him shut the door and walk away.

After five minutes, I heard a different door in front of me open. “Our delivery is here!" I heard Andy say. He unhooked my leash and tugged me forward. I felt Phil's hands unhook my blindfold and gag. The light of the apartment was blinding as I was finally able to see for the first time in about an hour.

====================

CHAPTER 5

I could see that I was in ABDUL's dining room. Ryan and Andy were seated and chatting as Ryan shuffled a deck of cards, and Andy opened a case of poker chips. Phil smiled as he set down the blindfold and gag. "Sorry about that," he said. "The guard was right, wouldn't want you freaking out or running off in this state. Probably the best that we kept you in check."

"Yeah, no worries," I responded. "Never done that before, but I didn't mind."

"The pre-cum did suggest that!" Ryan mused from the table. The three guys laughed raucously. I felt my cheeks burning. They weren't wrong - it was a foreign feeling, and I felt a rush during the whole experience, but I didn't hate it. I was turned on the entire time.

"Speaking of which," Abdul noted, "looks like you're leaking a bit again."

He looked down at the floor as pre-cum leaked out of my caged dick onto the floor. "Any chance you can clean that up? My hardwood floors are certainly cleaner than that gym floor." He was right, I suppose - I knelt down and licked up the pre-cum.

"Good boy!" Andy exclaimed.

I heard a toilet flush from a nearby door and Mike walked out, zipping up his pants. He smiled as he saw me. "John is here!"

I suddenly became very aware that I alone was naked, except for a dog collar and a chastity device. "Hey, Abdul," I started. "Any chance you have any clothes I can borrow while I'm here?"

Abdul started to respond, but Andy called out from the table, "everything Abdul has is going to be too big on you. Plus, just us guys, right?" The others nodded in agreement. "I suppose that's right," Abdul said. "Plus,

it isn't too cold in here, is it?" I shook my head.

"Then it's settled!" Mike concluded. "Come join us at the table!"

I started towards the table to take a seat, but Ryan interrupted: "Hold on, Abdul, these chairs are really nice, very expensive. Wouldn't want to ruin your purchase from your last bonus, would you? The boy's sweaty ass and balls wouldn't do great things to these chairs." The group laughed.

Abdul turned to me. "Is that OK? Perhaps you can just stand right next to this table?" I shrugged. "I don't mind, all I do is sit at a desk anyway." "Great," Abdul acknowledged.

The guys played a first game. Mike won that one. The guys groaned as they handed him their chips. "Great start, I need a beer now!" Mike proclaimed, as he stood up towards the kitchen. "No, I can grab it," I blurted out. "Really?" he asked. "I don't mind, plus, I'm already standing." "Thanks, John!" Mike gleamed as I turned to grab a beer from the kitchen.

As I fumbled through the fridge and looked for a bottle opener, I overheard the guys talking, apparently not realizing I was in earshot. "Is it just me, or is it kind of hot to have a naked guy waiting on you and and foot?" Abdul said. "Yeah, I agree," Andy responded. "It's kind of hot that he’s a small southern white boy, I wouldn't really feel comfortable with that but he obviously is."

Mike responded, "yeah, I hear you. One, it's like you have a naked colleague in the room, and two, white guys are hairier, bigger, and have bigger dicks. Doesn't feel right having them serve you, and usually I don't get turned on seeing guys like me naked."

Abdul added, "Being an Arab it seems kind of historically right to have a white guy serve me, you know? Especially a southern guy. A form of ancestral karma. He is smaller, docile, and smooth. Plus, no question who's the superior man - you can see it in the classic signs of masculinity - our body hair, our larger dicks, et cetera."

I knew I should feel demeaned, but all I could feel was my dick struggling against its cage at hearing all this. I walked back to the dining room.

I handed Mike his beer as the guys chatted. "It's nice to have someone grab stuff from the kitchen for you," Mike said, as the others laughed. "Yeah, kind of like having a white slave boy," Andy added. Those words startled me, but in a good way - and perhaps in a visible way. "Seems like he likes it," Ryan said, pointing at my dick. It must have jumped a bit when Andy called me a slave boy.

Abdul turned to me. "Sorry about that, we're not meaning to offend you or anything. We don't want to make you uncomfortable. Guys, stop." The guys all murmured apologies. "No, not at all," I responded. "I don't mind. I kind of like it. I guess I'm a little submissive, and I like, well, serving bigger masculine guys."

The guys all looked at each other. "Are you sure?" Abdul asked. "Yes," I responded. I am here to serve my masters." The four looked at each other and smiled.

"Well then," Abdul started. "For the rest of your time here, you'll call us all 'master.'" "And," Andy added, "we will call you 'boy,' 'slave,' or really whatever we want." The others nodded.

"You'll wear just that collar and that chastity device," Ryan continued. "Nothing you can do until Monday anyway; Jake has the keys, and the gym doesn't reopen until then." The others laughed.

"What about a wager, then?" Mike started, looking to the other guys. They began to talk as if I wasn't there. "Tonight's poker prize is a small southern slave boy for the weekend - sharing encouraged." The group laughed. I sheepishly stared at my feet in the background. This was going to be a long weekend, and I was more turned on than ever.

===================

CHAPTER 6

Part 6

As the night went on, the four masters played a competitive series of poker games. It turns out all of them were equally good - or equally bad, or lucky. As midnight approached, all four were in spitting distance of winning.

For the most part, I was sent back and forth from the kitchen to grab food and drink. The masters didn't even look me in the eye; they simply called out instructions, like "Boy, I need a beer," or "Slave, my martini is empty."

In one exciting episode, Master Andy decided that we should order a pizza. When the delivery guy rang the doorbell, Master Abdul directed me to grab the pizza at the door. "But I'm not wearing real clothes..." I started. "And you shouldn't be," Master Abdul cut me off. "Slaves do not protest when their masters instruct them to do something. Get the pizza, boy."

I gulped and walked to the door. Upon opening it, the delivery guy - a young white guy probably 18 years or so -looked at me with wide eyes. I handed him the cash and took the pizza. I realized Master Andy had forgotten the tip. "Excuse me," I said, "I need to grab the tip."

I walked back in and asked Master Abdul for the tip. He pulled out some cash, but a smile crossed his face. "I'll walk back with you, boy," he answered. He attached my leash to my collar and led me to the door.

Master Abdul handed the delivery guy the tip. He also handed the guy the leash. "Would you like to use our slave boy for 10 minutes? No permanent damage to the property, but you can use him for some fun." He gestured to a guest bedroom off to the side of the entryway. The delivery boy nodded. Master Abdul smiled. "Make him lock the door, wash up, and head back in when you're done."

The delivery boy pulled me in by the leash and pushed me down to my knees, swiftly and hard. "Unzip me, slave," he said in a harsh but hushed tone, nervous that he would disturb the audible party going on. I pulled

out a thick 7-inch cock, pale with a bright pink head. "Suck me off," he demanded. I choked as I slowly tried to get the whole thing down my throat. He grabbed my ears and fucked my mouth roughly for a few minutes.

I gagged and slobbered all the way through, until he shot his no load, emitting a moan. The moan was apparently a little louder than expected, as I heard the masters cheer from the other room.

The delivery guy smiled. "You better not let a drop spill out," he warned, as he buttoned his pants and walked out. I cleaned up and locked up as he left.

As I walked back to the room, Master Ryan said, "good job boy. Nice to know you have some oral skills." The group burst into raucous laughter. "Why don't you get us some more snacks and beer?" Master Mike commanded.

As I was getting together food and drink for the masters, I heard their conversation, and at multiple times felt my dick struggle against its cage:

***

MASTER ABDUL: I could really get used to having a slave boy. Somewhere down my family line, we owned slaves. Something idyllic about that, even though it's not legal anymore.

MASTER MIKE: There is something natural about it. Seems natural that white men like us take charge. Plus, I can't help but notice that the slave looks more natural naked, locked, and collared.

MASTER ABDUL: He did take those things pretty well - almost like it was second nature to him.

MASTER ANDY: In a way we did him a favor, right? He seems to have taken well to it, and it does indeed seem like the natural scheme of things.

MASTER MIKE: So boys, what are your plans for the slave if you win tonight? All of us seem well poised to do so.

MASTER ANDY: My fiancé is away for a work trip, so I could really use a slave to take out my sexual frustrations. Truth be told, I'm getting a little hard thinking about it

(others laugh).

MASTER ANDY: I would just use all of his holes - I have only done anal once, and it was amazing, but my fiancée doesn't do it. So yeah, just tie him somewhere and fuck him every which way.

MASTER ABDUL: It's nice when you don't have to worry about consent.

MASTER RYAN: Well, slaves can't consent, right? That's the whole point about being a slave.

MASTER ANDY: Exactly. It's nice to worry just about your pleasure and not have to think about whether you're hurting someone else for a change.

MASTER MIKE: I take it you like doing it rough?

MASTER ANDY: Rougher than my fiancée would like

(others laugh).

MASTER PHIL: I, for one, am going back to my college to meet up with other members of the lacrosse team. I would love to offer them a slave boy for the overnight.

MASTER RYAN: That poor boy - he'll be destroyed by all of those players.

MASTER PHIL: Haha, probably. Some of those guys are twisted. I think one of them might fuck him in the ass with a lacrosse stick or something.

MASTER ANDY: Well that will be something - either a sex slave for me or a house slave for a bunch of lacrosse guys. What else - Mike, Ryan?

MASTER MIKE: I used to make performance art pieces with human elements, and had this idea for one called "Colonization." My idea was to have a man - be shackled in a cage with a bit in his mouth, a cage on his dick, and a dildo stuck up his ass. The dildo would be remote controlled, and viewers can change the settings in intensity. They could also reach through the cage and touch the man, grab his nipples, etc. Well, if I had a slave boy, I wouldn't need to convince anyone to do that.

MASTER ANDY: That does sound hot. If laws weren't laws, you could even sell the art to a wealthy buyer.

MASTER MIKE: Don't get me started; one of the downsides of performance art

(others laugh).

MASTER MIKE: Maybe things could change anyway. Ryan?

MASTER ABDUL: I'm more old school, I guess. I long for the days when we had slaves in the fields doing our work. I have a large farm here in rural Georgia; I would take the slave there and work in the fields. I do have other workers there; maybe they'll get some more ideas.

MASTER PHIL: Maybe - like they'll use the slave boy for his holes? Or realize they wouldn't mind also being naked slaves to a white master?

MASTER ABDUL:: The possibilities are endless!

(others laugh)

MASTER ABDUL: Perhaps even put a bridle on him and make him pull me around like a pony slave.

***

I was more turned on than before as I walked back in. "You've got an interesting future, boy," Master Andy said. "And it all depends on this final hand." I gulped.

As the game wound down, one of the masters dropped his cards, and won the wager.

=================

CHAPTER 7

They say “to the winner belongs the spoils.” Now I knew it was true.

I could hear people milling around me but I couldn't see them through the leather blindfold covering my eyes. I heard waiters passing around hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne while male voices murmured in the background.

"It's vulgar, isn't it? An attempt to shock the audience?"

"Is it? I think it almost feels at home, familiar. Like it was meant to be. This beautiful, slight, body chained, immobile, subject to whatever men want to do with it."

"I suppose so. I can pinch this dark nipple and he is powerless to do anything." I felt a sharp pinch on my left nipple and couldn't help myself; I flinched and winced, but the handcuffs and humbler around my legs and chained to the ground didn't let me go that far.

"Interesting you say," another voice said. "I see it as an artwork, an object. Yes, there is what looks like a human as a part of it, but the human has become part of the piece." I heard others murmur in the background in agreement. I felt my cock stiffen in the chastity cage.

"Look, it is leaking precum!" yet another voice said. "I think it feels at home in this position."

"Have you seen the interactive part yet?" I heard a familiar voice say. It was Master Phil. "No," responded another man, as I felt his rough hands touch my stomach. "I thought touching the artwork was interactive enough!" A group of men laughed nearby.

Just at that moment, I felt the dildo in my ass start to pulsate. I couldn't help myself as a moan escaped my throat - although it was muffled by the bit in my mouth. The audience heard the vibrating sound and I heard a few chuckles.

"There is a vibrator in the ass that can be controlled by the audience," Master Phil stated. "Interestingly, it's in another room of the gallery. You might have confused it for a thermostat or something, but if you look closely, it's labeled 'intensity' and goes from off to low to high. Part of the artist's messaging. Ah, here he comes now," I heard Phil say, as I heard footsteps. The group murmured and clapped.

"Thank you all for coming," I heard Master Mike say. "I heard Phil talking about the control in the other room. I think of it as a symbolizing white men's control over all bodies from a distant Western metropole, without them even knowing what is really going on."

"Powerful," I heard one man say. "Indeed - and both as symbolism, and as indicating the white male art patron's control over the art piece." Another responded.

"Is that why all of the patrons here, and even the staff, are white men?" Asked an inquisitive member. "Yes, that's right," Master Mike said.

"It also makes sense to me that you used a white human body. And one that is short, and not well endowed," stated another viewer. "It feels right that this human is part of the art piece, controlled by white men. A stronger, more muscular, taller, white man would not fit the bill." The comment garnered much agreement from other viewers.

"I'm glad the message came through," Master Mike said. "Now, please, enjoy yourselves, interact with the artwork." I heard applause as the crowd returned to chatting, eating and drinking, and playing with my body. I felt the vibrator start pulsing intensely. The pleasure was quite intense, and I felt my body sweating.

My sense of time was a little warped, but I knew it was Saturday – the day after the poker game. I had been there for several hours now. Before I was put into place, I was given a medication that kept me hydrated, and

preventing me from needing to use the bathroom for 48 hours. That would span the weekend - and the time Master Mike got to own me after winning.

"It's a beautiful piece," I heard a man say to Master Mike. "Are you looking to sell it?"

"You know, I hadn't thought about it," I heard Master Mike say, "but the offer sure is tempting."

"My name is David Andrews," the man said. "I'm a connoisseur of sorts in the colonial art space. Most of my collection is historical artifacts, but this would be a lovely addition to my gallery in the UK."

"Is it in London?" I heard Master Ryan say. "No," Mr. Andrews responded. "I don't think folks in London would go for this." I heard a small group of men laugh. "I have an estate in the country, members only, for men who appreciate art hearkening back to colonial days."

"How would you even ship the art?" I heard Master Andy ask. "Well," Mr. Andrews answered, "it would have to go through customs and I'd need to ship it either private or via one of the big shipping companies. And I would probably let the officials in charge have a little fun with the art

piece as a thank you."

"Interesting; I've never thought of being able to sell a performance art piece," I heard Master Mike say. "Well, yes, do you have the title to it? You can register any piece of art as property," I heard another man say. "I'm Brian Windgate," the man introduced himself. "I'd be interested in purchasing the piece for display in my private home. And I would use the human piece for my own pleasure use as well. It will be nice to have a human object I own legally."

"Now wait a minute," I heard Master Abdul say. "I'd like a chance to throw my hat in the ring; I do have quite a bit of money in my trust fund. I could still use a field slave."

"Isn't this getting a little out of hand?" I heard Master Andy whisper to Masters Phil and Mike. "I mean, didn't we only win John for the weekend?"

"I'm not sure he can do anything about it," Master Phil said. "Yeah, and by the looks of all that leaking pre-cum, he doesn't seem to mind," Master Mike said in jest. "Well, that or someone is really turning up the intensity." The three laughed.

And honestly? To me, it was a little of both. I wondered what would happen as I remained immobile, unable to see or speak, and incredibly turned on.

=====================

CHAPTER 8

I could smell freshly cut grass in the air as I tugged the cart behind me. With blinders on, a bit in my mouth, and my cock locked, I could not see, but I could feel Master Abdul tug to tell me to change directions. Next to me, I could feel another man tugging the cart as well.

I should explain. Master Abdul did end up taking me after my stint as an art installation. The guys decided that it would be too risky to let me out of their group, just in case some of the other men at the art gallery got a little too creative. I was brought to Master Abdul’s expansive farm in North Georgia, where I met his three farm hands - Jose, a muscular 6 foot tall 30 year old single Mexican man with Native American blood: Pierre, a 6 foot

5 tall absolute tank of a man with dark black skin from Senegal; and

Karim, a hairy, 5 foot 10 recent immigrant from Syria.

The three men were surprised when I walked in wearing nothing but a collar and a chastity device. They weren't slaves, so Master Abdul simply told them I was a new addition to their work team to help prep the farm for an evening with Masters Andy, Phil, and Mike. They shrugged and we all went off to do chores around the field.

The men were curious and asked me why I would do something like this. I told them my story - which they all found funny - and how Master Abdul had won the right to own me that weekend.

"Do you like it?" Lupe inquired. "He seems to," Karim said, tapping my locked cock and noting my leaking dick after recounting my story.

"I was nervous at first," I said. "But Master Abdul and the other men just seemed so confident and like owning me felt natural." I smiled and noted the other men had grown significant bulges in their pants.

We continued to toil in the fields and the sun continued to rise in the sky. Soon, it was in the high 80s and everyone was sweating. Jose took off his shirt, revealing a smooth chest and a large tattoo on his right

pec. Soon, Karim and Pierre joined in. After a while, Pierre wondered aloud, "perhaps we should all strip? Would certainly save us having to wash all these clothes." The others agreed and soon we were all working

naked in the fields - with me of course wearing a collar and a lock on my cock.

About a half hour later, I heard Master Abdul calling out. "Hey! You can't all work naked here - what if someone catches you and you get in trouble for public indecency?"

"Sir, we were all just hot," Jose said. "Well, we have to cover you up a bit," Master Abdul said. "I have some collars and chastity device here if you wouldn't mind putting them on." The other guys looked at each other, but it looked like they had been thinking about it too.

Everyone else struggled to put the chastity devices, especially Pierre with his 11 inch thick monster, but Jose's 9 inch uncut cock and Karin's 8 inch circumcised dick also put up a fight. Everyone was clearly turned on and excited - sounds like it wasn't just my fantasy? After that, we all just started calling Master Abdul "sir" and "master" - it kind of felt right.

That evening, Master Andy noted that Master Abdul had somehow quadrupled his stable of slaves. The masters all laughed, as the four of us served drinks and served as footstools. Initially, it was just me who was stuck under the table sucking off each of the masters as they won games of poker. I went from Master Andy's 7 inch light pink uncut cock, to Master Phil's 8 inch thick dick, to Master Abdul 9 inches, to Master Mike's respectable 6 inch tan cock. I didn't think any of the other slaves to be interested in sexually servicing men, but they too joined in. It was especially humiliating to see Pierre service Master Mike, a man whose dick was literally half his size.

The word "stable" resonated with Master Phil, and there was a discussion of what Master Abdul could do with four slaves. In the end, the masters decided that Master Abdul could use two of us at a time as ponies, one as a house slave, and one as a sexual slave in the bedroom. "And perhaps I can loan them out to you once in a while," Master Abdul quipped.

That was about a month ago. I went back to the office that Monday, since Master Abdul knew I still had to finish my internship. But, the entire summer, I was to not wear an undershirt under my dress shirts, and to wear my chastity device at all times. I was also to stay at Master Abdul's farm with the other slaves on the weekend.

The rest of the slaves stayed permanent slaves; after all, they were previously just hired workers. But now, they lived in a stable during the summer and were owned by Master Abdul

As the summer ended, Master Abdul asked what I wanted to do after. "You'll get a return offer to join the firm, of course. But think about whether you've found something else you're more natural at."

I did get the return offer to return to the law firm.

I was hones with Master Abdul and he was honest and supportive of my needs,

With his guidance I was able I accepted the offer that was best for me.

The Offer Master Abdul made to me.

I am now Master Abdul’s legal Assistant. I live in his apartment as his “pet” slave during the week

Every Friday afternoon after work Master Abdul strips me, collars, me loads me into my dog carrier in the back of his car. Off we go to his farm where I eagerly get together with my fellow slave Jose, Karim, and Pierre

The four of us spend the entire weekend serving my legal associates Master Phil, Master Andy, Master Mike. And my life time master, Master Abdul.

[coinandcandle]

Mindfulness Activities that aren't Meditation

While there are many types of meditation, it's not always easy to practice. Maybe you don't have the time or, like me, you could never quite get the hang of it due to your ADHD brain.

Regardless, mindfulness is something everyone can benefit from and it doesn't always have to be done by meditating. See: Mindfulness vs Meditation. Without further ado,

Here are some mindfulness activities you can do that aren't meditation:

Self-Indulgent ShowerTake a shower with no distractions. No videos, music, or whatever. Soft ambient music or lofi music with no words or loud noises is ok! Pamper yourself by connecting with your body. Get out the nice soap, the one that you don't use often for fear of running out of it (just me? Oops.) Focus on how the water feels, how the soap smells, and how the water sounds as it taps against the curtain liner.

Take a Walk Go on a walk and focus on the world around you without judging it. What birds, plants, and insects are you seeing? Is your neighbor mowing their lawn? Just observe, don’t judge. If you catch yourself judging then just remind yourself that you’re simply there to observe on this walk.

Mindful Tasting Drink your favorite beverage and focus on it. Take in its flavor, smell, temperature, and mouth feel (sounds gross but trust me it's a term!). If other thoughts come to mind that’s ok! Just try to gently push yourself back to focusing on the drink. take a sip every time your mind wanders to remind yourself of the task at hand. This shouldn’t take more than a few minutes and you don’t have to do this the entire time you’re enjoying your beverage. Active Listening A lot of us with ADHD tend to think a lot about what we’re going to say next in a conversation. Instead, just focus on what the person in front of you is saying. Really listen and absorb the information they’re sharing.

Mindful Movement Do a quick physical exercise of your choice and focus on your breathing and the sensations of the body. This doesn't have to be extreme or rigorous. It's better that you do an easier exercise, actually. Yoga is very good about this and I would encourage you to look into its history and practice if you’re interested!

[gayf1hoe]

Part 6

After last week's race in Baku I am in a better mood and I'm not as angry at the team's mess up. We discussed what went wrong and what they are going to do to prevent it from occurring again and with optimism I believe what they said.

After Max had come to comfort me I went out and watched him on the podium and the whole time he was making eye contact with me and smiling and even though he was there for me when I was at a low, I'm still not sure on what I want to do in regards to our relationship. We spoke briefly after the podium about what we had been up to but we didn't really speak about our relationship or friendship but I could tell he was holding something back, Max is like an open book he's so easy to read. We have started to spend more time together over the past week and things are starting to go back to "normal" whatever that may be. With the Miami Grand Prix being a week after Baku I have been extremely busy yet have still somehow managed to find time to talk with Max.

We arrived in Miami a few days ago and we have been mainly relaxing. For the past few days Zhou has somehow managed to convince me to go on a run in the morning, which normally I would never do because the idea of waking up early to do physical exercise is not my image of happiness but he is very convincing.

I am standing by the palm tree outside the hotel where me and Zhou had designated as the meeting point when I receive a text message and he informs me that he can't be bothered to go for a run today. I let out a heavy sigh at the fact I got up early and got ready and he cancelled on me.

I turn around and head back to the hotel when Max comes out and sees me.

"Hey is everything alright?" He asks.

"Yep all good, minus the fact I got up early to go for a run with Zhou and he's cancelled on me"

"Well if you want you can come on a run with me, I have no one to go with so I don't mind"

I ponder monetarily and agree to go on a run with him as I don't see the point in going to all this effort for no reason.

Half way into our run we are slightly talking about the upcoming weekend and how things are going to go.

The only thing I pray for is a quick and efficient pit stop that doesn't cause me to lose positions or the chance of a podium finish.

After a long and exhaustive run we arrive back at the hotel sweaty and out of breath and we somehow find the strength to climb up the entrance steps and walk over to the elevator.

As I push the button and the elevator dings there is a moment of awkward silence and then when we enter the elevator there is an even bigger moment of awkward silence, this is what I hate about mine and Max's friendship. We can be talking and laughing and then it's just silence and no communication. The elevator dings at the third floor and we both exit heading in opposite directions. Today is media day which is never a whole lot of fun but something I merely tolerate for the sake of the team and its PR image.

I get changed out of my running clothes and have a quick shower and get changed into my usual outfit of jeans and a T-shirt.

For some unknown reason Alessandro has called a spontaneous meaning so it can only be something bad because it's out of character for him.

The paddock is inundated with journalists and TV crews making it difficult to get from one end to the other without being questioned or having a camera pushed into your face. I make it to the team trailer and I am one the first to arrive, meaning I have to wait for a while for everyone else to arrive, but once they do and Alessandro enters the room I can tell by his demeanour something is seriously wrong.

"Sorry for calling such an impromptu meeting but I feel it is imperative that I tell you all sooner rather than later. As I'm sure you're aware Audi were going to buy Sauber and take over in 2 seasons. However as of this morning the decision was made that Audi will take over Sauber in F1 from next season instead."

The room is silent and no one says anything so I take the responsibility to break it.

"So does that mean we are all out of jobs?"

He thinks for a moment "Most of the engineers and strategists will have a job at Audi"

"But what about us drivers?" I follow on.

"I'm sure Audi will reveal their plans for their driver line up in the forthcoming weeks but at the moment nothing is guaranteed, I also think I should let you all know the team and Audi are making a social media statement right now informing everyone of the change so expect media day to be full of loads of questions about it"

We all leave the room and in the garage the normal jovial scene is solemn and quiet. The morale of the team has taken a major hit, the uncertainty as to whether or not most of us will have a job at Audi lingers over all of us. We can't help but feel a little betrayed that Sauber so willingly would accept Audis's offer without much contest but it's just a fact we will have to learn to accept.

I have to attend a press conference in 20 minutes and at the moment Alessandro is briefing me on what to say and what not to say and he goes over time. I quickly run to the other end of the paddock and walk through the doors of the conference room.

When I enter they all look at me and Max points at his watch repeatedly tapping it. I take a seat in between George and Lance and wait for my turn to be questioned.

Reporter: So Y/N the first question is obviously the obvious one. What is going on at Sauber?

Y/N: So yes it's obviously been announced that Audi is joining next season instead of the planned time.

Reporter: So is your job on the line?

Y/N: My job was always on the line regardless because I'm only on a one year contract.

Reporter: So do you think you have a job at Audi?

Y/N: I truly hope so but if not I have other things lined up.

Reporter: Can you give us any insight?

Y/N: Unfortunately not.

The meeting drags on and every time I think it's about to come to an end more questions come flooding my way.

At the conclusion of the meeting we all stand up and file out of the room heading in separate directions, I think I'm walking alone when I turn to my left side and see Max walking alongside me.

"Is everything alright?" I ask.

"It's me who should be asking you that question. How are you feeling after the whole Audi announcement?"

"I feel fine, if they don't offer me a contract and no other team does well I guess that's just life"

"So what are these mysterious plans that you were hinting at?" he asks.

"Well I have an offer to race in Formula E for Mahindra Racing"

After I finish my sentence he stops in his tracks and makes me turn to face him.

"Are you seriously going to give up on F1 and your dream that easily?"

"Well it's a bit difficult if no team wants me"

I walk away leaving him outside one of the many stands of products and I head back to my garage for a media shoot and when I walk in the mood is a little less suppressed and more joyful, well as joyful as you can be after discovering you might lose your job.

The media shoot involves me and Zhou doing some photography challenge and it doesn't take too long before we get a chance to have lunch. The hospitality building is quite empty, Zhou has a meeting so I'm left by myself to go and get lunch. After I pick out a few items to eat I dart my eyes around the room trying to find somewhere to sit like a new kid at school and I see Logan sitting in one corner alone so I decide to go over to him.

"Hey, can I sit here?" I ask.

"Of course," he replies.

I place my plate down on the table as well as my glass and take a seat. The table is right next to the window where the sun is piercing through so as I let my arm rest on the table I can feel my arm burning.

"So how are things going at Williams?" I enquire.

"It's going pretty well this year in comparison to last year, but how are things going for you?"

"Erm... it's going alright I guess the whole audi thing has thrown everyone off"

We chat for a while whilst eating, discussing an array of topics including his hopes for one of his first home races of the season.

After I finish eating I head back to the garage as I received a text from Alessadbro saying he had more important news. The amount of important news I have had to digest in the space of one day is overwhelming and incomprehensible.

I quickly run up the stairs to his office skipping most of them and upon reaching the door I knock firmly and assertively although what's really going on in my mind is the complete opposite.

I wait for a moment for him to reply before entering and when he does I open the door to find him sitting behind his desk gesturing towards the chair.

It takes a moment before he speaks:

"So Y/N following your question this morning about whether or not you will have a drive at Audi they have actually confirmed their driver line up quite quickly, I didn't even know these negotiations were taking place and they sent me the email of their driver line up and the contracts -"

"Alessandro" I interject "cut the shit and just tell me if I have a contract with Audi"

He sighs.

"Unfortunately not, they have decided you are too inexperienced for the team"

"So who are they taking?" I ask.

"Nico and Valtteri"

I don't think it's all really set in yet, I don't say anything in response instead I stand up and walk down the hallway and see Zhou sitting on one of the chairs with his head tilted back against the wall.

"I take it you have heard the news then" I say taking a seat on the empty chair, whilst Zhou responds with a simple "yep".

I follow his lead and tilt my head back against the wall and sigh thinking about the predicament that we are in but I know we can't let it affect our performance otherwise our hope of a seat next year is gone.

Morale has been at an all time low at the team so during qualifying today me and Zhou intend to make a statement to Audi that they are missing out on two amazing and competent drivers and show them experience isn't everything it is made out to be.

Me and Zhou both make it to Q3 and now is the time for us to really prove ourselves but we face the challenge of both Ferraris, Red Bulls and McLarens, Yuki and Nico also make it to Q3 but I don't see them posing a threat not because of their talent but because of their cars.

We must go out at least 4 or 5 times to set quicker laps and I await the verdict as I cross the line.

"Y/N, Hamilton is on pole, You are P2, Verstappen P3, Zhou P4 and Sainz P5."

I feel slightly elated at the result and pissed that I was only 0.032 seconds off pole position but I will improve and keep my head down for the next race.

The Miami Grand Prix still in its infancy stage in comparison to most F1 tracks yet still as vibrant and popular as them. Americans have a natural love for motorsport whether it's NASCAR, Rallying or F1 and they always turn up in their thousands to show support for drivers and to indulge in the entertainment racing provides.

I'm in the midst of getting changed into my race suit when there's a light and barely audible knock on my door. I head over to the door whilst zipping up my race suit and I am shocked to see Ollie smiling from ear to ear in front of me. I quickly invite him in and hug him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Well I thought I would come and show my support for you and enjoy a race"

I'm still in a state of shock at the fact Ollie is here, I can see why people draw the conclusion that we are dating because we struggle to be apart from each other.

"So how are you feeling about Audi coming next year?" He asks as I fasten my shoes.

"I mean I'm little upset at not getting signed but it's life I will find something else to do"

"Wait you're not getting signed, I thought we would finally be in F1 together"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I'm joining Haas next year, but who's joining Audi?"

"Nico and Valtteri" I declare standing up and grabbing my balaclava and helmet.

I don't want to dwell on the future much and I put a stop to the conversation and head to the door. I would love for Ollie to stay in my garage during the race but he has to stay loyal to Ferrari.

"Y/N 30 seconds to lights out focus and have a good race"

5 red light flash before me and the adrenaline that follows through my veins puts me on edge I quickly avert my gaze to Lewis who is in P1 although I don't plan on attacking him in the opening laps as I want to conserve my tyres so I want to focus on keeping Max at bay behind me which is a lot easier said than done.

As soon as the lights extinguish I let up off the clutch and try to accelerate as fast as I can but Max comes alongside me and pushes me wide causing him to gain the place.

Lap by Lap I'm finding different people behind me and every time I somehow manage to maintain P3. The team makes me pit twice and to my relief they don't mess it up and come out onto the track having not lost many positions.

Despite not gaining any positions crossing the line in P3 is a good enough outcome for me, but if F2 me heard I was settling for third he would be having a meltdown.

Being on the podium with Max feels even more special than being on the podium. It's great to celebrate together even though it was Lewis who won it still feels really special.

We have sweat and champagne trickling down our faces when we reconvene behind the podium.

"Good job out there today" he says.

"Yeah you to, you really gave me a run for my money" I replied.

We take a slow walk back to the pit lane making general conversation.

"So I was wondering did you want to go for dinner with me tonight"

I think for a moment.

"Sure Maxie"

He laughs at my response and I question why.

"It's just a funny nickname that's all" he replies.

"Would you rather me call you Mad Max or something like that"

"No, Maxie will suffice".

As I'm drying off from my shower my phone vibrates and I walk across to the other side of the room to see it's just a notification from the F1 social media so I open it to see what rubbish they have posted this time.

I open it to see a tweet that makes reality set in:

Formula 1: BREAKING Audi Annoucne their dirver line up will consist of Nico Hulkenberg and Valtteri Bottas.

After I finish reading it I place my phone down on the counter and get dressed before heading outside to the place where me and Max had agreed to wait.

The second he arrives I don't know whether it's out of anger and spite or out of passion I grab his face and begin to kiss him and as I do so he kisses me back. We don't care to look and see if there are any photographers around because I couldn't care less.

"Are you sure you want to do this? What will Sauber think?" he asks between a brief pause.

"Fuck them" I retort.

"You're slowly becoming my little rebel"

After we finish making out we head to the restaurant Max originally wanted to take me to. We are a little late for the reservation Max booked but we are still shown to our seats.

We quickly order and after the race I am starving so I probably order a little too much but my trainer isn't here to see it so it doesn't really matter.

"So how are you feeling after you found out you aren't going to be with Audi next year"

"You know I have been asked that question so many times I might as well just record my response and hit play after I'm asked it, but I really am alright if I find another seat it will be great and if I don't that's just life"

"You know I can always speak to Christian and see what he's doing with Checo's seat"

"it's fine really if Christian thinks I'm talented he will reach out to me plus I don't think he would want me around distracting you".

We speak for ages and quickly day turns into night so we head back to the hotel and as we enter the doors we are met by a barrage of questions and we are both extremely confused, until Daniel provides some context.

"A journalist stuck their camera over the fence and caught a video of you two full on making out hands going all over each other if I wasn't straight I would have found it quite arousing"

Whilst everyone laughs at the last part I inform him I could have gone without that information.

Normally I would have been a little nervous at the shitstorm I had just created but for some reason that feeling is extinct and I feel a little proud and relieved that me and Max don't have to tread carefully around our teams and the media.

Even though we aren't an established couple, in fact I don't even know what we are but it's nice to know that we try and find clarity in what we are without worrying about the media.

As me and Max lay in bed our phones are going crazy probably from both of our teams and for Max most certainly his dad going berserk.

"You know we have just created a huge drama," he says.

"I know, I can't wait for Drive to Survive"

[pensat-i-fet]

My protector (Rúben Dias x Reader)

Word count: 2755

**Little fluff imagine we brainstormed one day. Enjoy it ❤️**

Masterlist

Wattpad

"And basically, I have to continue with the exercises for a couple of weeks and the foot will be healed", I tell my boyfriend who called me right after I left the doctor's office for my daily rehab session after my injury.

"Almost there, then. I swear your injury has felt eternal. Even worse than one of mine", he laughs.

"That's your overprotective nature. And…what's going on?"

"What happened?"

When I make my way into the building where I live, I see builders working there. They weren't here when I left and no one informed us of any future work that needed to be done.

"Eh…there are builders in the building. I'll see why they are here and call you later, ok?"

"Sure. Let me know if you need anything before my match".

"I will".

My worst fear seems to come true when I notice the builders are working on the lift.

"Excuse me? Is there something wrong with the lift?"

"Yes, ma'am. We were called because someone got stuck in it and found there were quite a few things that weren't working well. So we need to repair it urgently. If someone uses it, there could be an accident".

"Well, it's good you saw the problem before that happened. How long will it take you to fix it?"

"Around two weeks?", he says.

"Oh…that's a lot", I say, realising then these men are just doing their best and don't need my negativity. "Thanks for fixing it. I…I'll get the stairs, I guess".

"Sorry about that".

By the time I get to my floor, which is the 9th floor, I'm almost in tears. My foot hurts so much.

I lay down on the sofa, trying to will the pain to go away. But two weeks of this? All the work done to heal my injury will be gone. I'll probably injure the foot more.

My phone starts ringing and I see it's Rúben.

"Hey", I say, trying not to sound like someone who is about to cry.

"Hi! What were the builders doing then?"

"They…", but I can't continue without little sobs coming out of me.

"What's wrong?", I can hear the concern in Rúben's voice. "Did any of them do anything to you?"

"No. They were really polite but…I'm not going to be able to use the lift for two whole weeks, Rúben. My foot hurts so much from walking up the stairs".

Now I'm full-on crying.

"Don't cry, please. Not while I'm not there to comfort you. There is a very easy solution to that".

"Which is?"

"Move in with me while the builders are there".

"You sure?"

"More than sure", he laughs. "Get everything ready. I'll pick you up after training".

                                     **

A couple of hours later I’m feeling a lot better. The foot doesn’t hurt anymore and I’ve been able to walk around the apartment to collect my things. When my doorbell rings, I know it’s Rúben so I slowly make my way to the door.

“Hi”, I say, hugging him before he can even walk inside the house.

“Feeling better?”, he asks, kissing the top of my head.

“Yes. I’m not in pain anymore and knowing I won’t have to go up and down the stairs for the next few weeks cheered me up”.

“And you get to spend a lot more time with me”, he says, kissing my nose.

“Yeah, that’s the bad part but you have a few away matches. I’ll be able to rest then”.

“Hilarious”.

I move away from him, still laughing, and grab my bag.

“It’s all ready. Do you want to have something to drink before we go?”

“No, I’m good. Give me the bag”.

“Rúben”, we always have the same arguments, he won’t let me carry anything bigger than my handbag. “It’s not that heavy. I can carry it”.

“It’d be uncomfortable while we go down the stairs”.

“How?”

“Because I’ll carry you. It’s easier if it’s on my back and not yours”.

“You’re not carrying me down the stairs”.

“Of course I am, you’re injured”, he says, looking at me as if that was the only reasonable way to do things.

“But I can walk down the stairs. It’s fine”.

He walks towards me and grabs my face gently. 

“You were crying before because of how much your foot hurt. I’m not going to let you do something that’ll make you cry because of the pain when there is an easy way to avoid it”.

“But, what if you injure yourself?”, I say, trying to find an excuse.

“Come on, I lift weights that are heavier than you. I’ll be fine”.

“No you don’t…”, but then I see the look he’s giving me. “Well, you’re a freak”.

He shakes his head, laughing. And when we get to the door, he lifts me in his arms as if I weighed nothing and we go down the stairs.

                                      **

On our way to the doorway, we found several of my neighbours going up and down the stairs. Obviously, the lift doesn’t work for any of them either.

“This is so embarrassing”, I tell Rúben after one of the ladies from the 3rd floor spends almost five minutes telling him what a gentleman he is and touching his arms. 

“Not for me”.

After what feels like an eternity, we get to the doorway level and he puts me down. 

“Thank you”.

“Any time. You’re much nicer to hold than the weights”, he jokes, kissing my forehead.

“You know, I read once about forehead kisses and what they meant”.

“Yeah?”, he asks, his tone curious. “What do they mean? I do it without even noticing”.

“There are different theories but my favourite one is that we give those kisses to those we want to protect. Sounds a lot like you”.

“It does. And I do want to protect you. I hate knowing that I can’t always do it”.

“Well, you’re doing a great job anyways”.

We go to the car and then I get an idea.

"I'm going to Google forehead kisses to see which meaning you like best".

"I already liked the protection one but go ahead".

I search through different articles until I find one I like.

"Look", I start, "this says that kissing on the forehead denotes affection, adoration, and care for the person".

"Do you want me to tell you that I adore you?", he laughs. "A bit too corny".

"I think it's cute".

"Well", says Rúben, turning to grab my hand and kissing it since we are at a red light, "I do adore you". 

"Now you are going to make me look up hand kisses".

He just keeps on laughing and starts driving again.

"Oh my God! I love this part".

"Read it".

"When a man feels protective about the person he is in love with, he tries to express it in several ways. One of the ways is to place a kiss on their forehead. So, if you see that your partner is placing his arms around you to give you a hug followed by a forehead kiss, know that he wants to protect you from the worries of the world. He wants you to feel safe and secure in his arms and enjoy being there, keeping worries at bay".

"Wow".

"That's literally you", I say. "My protector".

Now I'm the one looking at him like I adore him.

                                     **

Living with Rúben is…interesting. All the times I’ve stayed at his place, he was focused on being present for me, so he made small changes to his routine. Now I get to see it all…and I’ve never felt so lazy in my life.

“Do you really need to go to a yoga class now?”, I ask when we finish dinner.

“I don’t have to but it’s nice. Stretching is important. Do you want to come?”

“I can’t really do yoga right now”.

“You don’t have to do anything. Just keep me company”, he says, leaning down to hug my shoulders and to put his head on one of them. “Pleaaaaase”.

“Aren’t you tired of me?”, I laugh.

“Never!”

So we go to the class. His teacher welcomes me with a big hug and makes a big fuss about me coming back once I'm fit.

"He won't shut up about you", she says, "it's so nice to find out you actually exist".

I laugh at her words. "I do exist, yeah. But only believe the good things he says".

"As if he would say something bad about you", she shakes her head. "You sure you can't do any of the moves?"

"No, it's ok. I'm really tired from the rehab session I had this morning anyways".

"You can change your mind later if you want".

But I don't. I just sit down and enjoy the view. And take some photos too. Who can blame me?

                                      **

Back home, I need to do a couple more exercises for my foot before bed and Rúben decides to join me.

“Actually, I did that one when I injured my foot years ago”, he says, while trying to replicate my moves.

“I love seeing we have so much in common”, I joke. “Ok, one more and then I can reward myself with some tea and biscuits”.

“What do you say about having your tea and biscuits while you’re taking a relaxing bath”.

“I say I love the way you think”.

“I’ll start running it while you get the food and drink ready”.

I stare at Rúben’s figure while he walks to the bathroom. Saying he’s been spoiling me would be an understatement. I almost feel a bit guilty that he’s always doing so much for me. 

“You ready?”, he asks when I get to the bath, holding my mug and my little bowl full of chocolate digestives.

“Yes, that smells so good”.

“I saw this bath thing the other day and thought of you. I know you love everything that smells like peaches”.

I put my arms around his neck so I can stand on my tiptoes, with one foot only, and kiss him. 

“I don’t think queens are treated as well as you treat me”, I tell him.

“Well, we don’t have queens in Portugal but I can give you the honorary title if you want to”.

“Queen of the Dias kingdom?”

“You might have to fight my mum for that title but you are already on princess level”.

When I get in the bath, I close my eyes and just enjoy the warm water and the perfect smell. I almost even forget the food I brought with me.

                                      **

Once I’m out of the bath, I start doing my night routine. 

“Can I come in?”, asks Rúben after knocking on the door.

“Sure”.

“I heard you moving and guessed you were out of the bath. Was it good?”

“Perfect”, I tell him with a smile. “I’d give you a thank you kiss but I have a mask on”.

“And you’ve never looked better”, he laughs, seeing the bright pink colour of the mask I applied.

“You should try it. It might remove the ugly from your face”.

He ignores me and walks towards the sink until he’s behind me and can hug me and start peppering kisses on the back of my neck.

“You seem to be content with my ugliness so I’ll stay the same”.

When I wash my face to remove the mask, I get one of my face rollers to massage my face.

“What’s that?”, asks Rúben.

“A roller. For the face”.

“What does it do?”

“You know? I’m not sure, but it feels nice”.

When I’m done with it, I put it back on the shelf but Rúben takes it and looks at it.

“So you use it like this?”, he asks, trying to imitate what I was doing.

“No”, I say, holding his hand so I can move the roller in the right way. “Like that”.

“Am I pretty now?”

“Never been prettier”, I say, giving him a quick kiss.

After applying some moisturizer, I go to the bed and start braiding my long hair like I do every night.

“Can I have a go at that?”

“At what?”

“Your braid”, he says, pointing at the almost-done braid I’m holding. “You always do it before bed and I was wondering if I could try doing it too. It looks relaxing”.

“Sure…do you want to try now?”

“Can I?”, he says, looking so excited about something so simple, so I nod and I undo all the hair I had managed to braid.

“We have to brush it first”, I say, giving him my brush.

“I know. Ok…from the ends to the roots”.

“You really have been paying attention, huh?”

“Isn’t that something good for a boyfriend?”

“Oh yeah. I’m not complaining”.

He keeps muttering things, both in English and Portuguese, while doing the braid until he’s done.

“Can I see it?”

“Wait”, he says, getting up to get a mirror so I can see his masterpiece.

“That’s actually really good. Have you been practising?”

“Who would I practice with?”, he laughs.

“I don’t know. Haaland?”

I can’t stop staring at my hair. It’s so cute that he even wanted to give it a try. 

“I’ll teach you more hairstyles for when I can’t be bothered doing my hair. You can be my personal hairdresser”.

“Fine. But I’m not curling your hair. You always complain about burning your fingers and you’ve been doing that for years. I’ll probably end up in the emergency room”.

“So dramatic”, I laugh.

After half an hour of reading, I finally feel sleepy enough so I put my Kindle away. When I turn to look at Rúben, I see he’s still on his phone.

“I’m going to sleep now”, I say.

“Ok”.

He puts his phone away and turns the lights off.

“You don’t have to sleep when I do, Rúben”, I tell him again. “I know it’s a bit early for you”.

“Worth it for the cuddles”.

And it is. The cuddles and the forehead kisses. I’ve always struggled with falling asleep, but when I have Rúben's strong arms around me, it only takes me a couple of minutes to fall asleep. The article couldn't be more right about how safe I feel when he silently shows me how much he'll protect me. 

                                    **

“I need to leave now”, says Rúben from the front door and I walk as fast as I can to go say goodbye to him.

“I’m coming!”

“Don’t walk too fast”.

“It’s fine. You know I’m almost done with rehab. It feels so good to not be in pain”, I laugh, finally reaching him. 

“I’ll miss you”, he says, hugging me tightly.

“You’ll be back tomorrow night. And I’ll stay up just for you”.

“I want to tell you not to, but I also really want to see you when I come back”, he says, frowning.

“It’s fine. I want to see you too, so we are both being selfish”.

We kiss again, making the most out of every second he can stay home before leaving.

“Now I really need to go”.

“Ok, I’ll start packing while you are away, by the way”.

“Why?”, he asks, turning to look at me.

“The lift is fixed. I can go back home”.

“But your rehab isn’t finished”, he complains.

“Yeah, but it’s only 4 more days so it’s fine”.

“But…”.

“Rúben, my love, you need to go”, I tell him after looking at my watch. 

“And you don’t”, he says, confusing me.

“I know. I don’t think Pep can find a place for me in the line-up”.

“No, I mean you don’t need to go. I don’t want you to go”.

Is he insinuating what I think he’s insinuating?

“These last two weeks have been perfect for me. Have they not been good for you?”

“Of course they have, Rúben but…”.

“But would you want to stay here for, you know, longer?”

I can’t help but smile at how much he’s struggling to ask a simple question. “How much longer?”

“I don’t know, forever?”

“It’s almost as if you were asking me to move in with you or something, you know?”, I tease him.

“I am. Would you? Would you move in with me?”

“I’d love to”.

He drops his bag to lift me and kiss me.

“We’ll talk about this more when I come back”.

“Don’t worry, we have all the time in the world. Now go and win that match or I’ll change my mind”.

[dumplingsjinson]

Back with a REALLLYYYY long ramble about my love life? (Like, when I say really long, I meant it.)

Or... A lack thereof. I don't know, it's confusing; maybe I'm overthinking and maybe he does want to be friends or... he wants more??? Maybe I'm looking into things a bit too deeply BUT THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS DO AND I’M AFRAID IT'S NEVER GOING TO STOP AHHA.

SO ANYWAYS. Here's the story. 

Prepare for a long ass post lmao, because I'm going the FUCK off again :D So like, if you don’t want to read my bullshit then feel free to skip past onto the next glorious post on your dashboard. 

(The TL;DR is at the very bottom of this post if you can’t be fucked reading the whole thing lmao.)

Okay. 

So. 

I met this dude on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel). We'll call him... Mixed signals dude. (we’re calling him mixed signals dude because it feels like he wants more with the way he acts, but the words that come out of his makes me feel like… Yeah, no, maybe I’m overthinking this greatly.)

He's pretty nerdy. A homebody. Overreacts to things. Pretty shitty texter but aren't most people? And he doesn't seem to exercise much because we were walking around a lot during our first meet up and he was pretty puffed out after a bit lmao. He's an introvert. He's a bit… Eccentric (and I'm not saying that to belittle him). I'm not pinning any of this against him, though. It just provides a background to what type of person he is. 

Either way, he asks me if I'd like to meet up with him "as friends". I say yeah, sure thing, why not? I mean, I’m here to meet people, after all. 

So we set a date, the day comes, and I meet up with him. He’s waiting for me at the platform my train stops at. We fall into easy conversation the moment I walk up to him and we start talking. I feel at ease with him even though we’ve just met, and my nerves dissipate pretty quickly. 

Funny, because I was literally messaging my friend “Oh God, I’m nervous as fuck” like five minutes before the train arrives at my destination. 

It’s nice, we share laughs, and it isn’t like... Awkward? Maybe a little, but it isn’t as bad as the other times I met up with other dudes. Usually first time hang outs are fairly awkward and sometimes boring, but it didn't feel that way with him. Oh, also, he's also the "ladies first" type of dude, always urging me to walk before him AHAHA. I don't know how to describe it but yeah. 

So anyway, that's all good. We have a good time and get to know each other more. We go home after hanging out for the whole day, he tells me he had a good time, I say I did too.

We talk over text, and about a week or so passes before he asks me out again, so I say sure. It was pretty last minute; we set it up Friday night and then met up Saturday noon. That Saturday, he had planned on studying for his cert for either work or uni, but he comes out to hang with me anyway even though I insist we could do another day if he really couldn’t hang out (he said he didn’t want to study anyway so I was like, okay. We’ll go, then, if you’re sure). 

First half of the "hang out" is pretty normal. We go to an art gallery, then we slowly make our way to the Botanic Gardens, where we kinda stop to rest for a little bit. We’re out here talking and laughing, and when we feel rested up, we make our way to another museum/art gallery. We talk about our dating lives, I tell him about the guys I've talked to, we talk about our personal lives and our families; the lot. We share more laughter, and by this point (and take note because this does become an important point later in the story), I’ve broken the touch barrier with what I’d say is friendly physical contact — light slaps on the shoulder/arm, light pushes, etc. The shit I usually do with my friends in a playful type of manner. 

Keep in mind, at this point, he keeps saying “You can’t find someone on the apps, only friends” etc, etc, so I’m like… Cool. He wants to meet people and become friends, and I’m not opposed to that. I could do with more friends. And I’ve basically adapted the philosophy of “What happens, will happen” and I’m not going to try and force shit. 

So now, here’s the thing: one thing I’ve been noticing during the first meet up and moreso throughout the second meet up, during our walks, he seemed pretty… Protective of me? I don’t know if that’s the right word but like… I’d complain about the sun shining in my face and he’d try to walk beside me to shield me from it. He’d grab me before I crash into things like the clumsy bitch I am. During the first meet up, he was quick to stop me from walking into oncoming traffic because I wasn’t paying attention. Maybe he has quick reflexes, I’m not sure, but I do need someone to kinda check me on my shit sometimes HAHA. 

Anyway, after the museum, we wander around the city for a bit, I buy some Gozleme for us to share (he just started his full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like, next week, so he was very thankful about me shouting him food). 

After that, we couldn’t really think of anything else to do so I’m like, “Do you wanna go home and study?” and he’s like, “Nah, I will stay for a bit more. I don’t want you staying alone out here” even though I never suggested I’d be staying out there alone, but I was like, “…Okay”. I found that to be pretty sweet of him, ngl. 

I kinda don’t want to go home either because well… I’m stuck at home a lot these days because I’m still jobless (hopefully that changes soon or so God help me, I’ve been applying and applying and I’m on the brink of losing my shit), when a sudden idea pops into my head. Before I know it, I’m suggesting we go to the movies, and I tell him we could watch Across the Spider-verse (I’ve watched it already but I wanted to watch it again, so might as well) and he’s like sure, because he didn’t wanna go home and study anyway, among other reasons. 

So that works out for the both of us! It’s actually kinda funny that he agreed, because he didn’t watch the first one, but when I ask if he’s sure about this, he says, “Yeah I’m sure.”

(Funny side note: about a day ago, he suggested we watch the first one together on Disney+, via IG call this Saturday but I’m not sure if I’m free then so I’ll probably get back to him about that later.) 

By then, it’s around 5pm? I buy the tickets for us (we get a discount for the cinema’s anniversary or whatever event’s going on, so I only had to pay 9 dollars for a ticket rather than 24 dollars so it’s a huge bargain. Again, he thanks me for that and I’m like — “it’s fine.”). The movie starts at 6:40pm, so we stay at the nearby Starbucks to wait for the movie to start. He shouts me hot chocolate, and he uses that hour to study for his cert because he brought his laptop with him. 

This is where he starts returning the friendly gesture/touches. He hugs me as a way of thanking me for buying the movie tickets and for shouting him food; he pats me on the head and I’m sitting there like wtf; he keeps touching my knee with his hand — like, he would lightly shaking my knee and would let his hand linger there for a few seconds. And like, I’m fine with it, because again — those, in my definition, are friendly gestures, and I was already kind of doing that to him myself earlier on. And I’m feeling comfortable enough with him, so you know. I didn’t mind any of this. And I guess he’s pretty comfy with doing stuff like that, too. 

So ANYWAYYYY, we carry on like this for the next hour. I’m pretty sure I’m distracting him from his studies but he still ends up getting something done, and then we head to the cinema once the time’s up. We sit down, the movie starts, and… It’s fine. 

It’s all good. Nothing’s really happening, at least between us.  

I lean my head on his shoulder like I do with my friends. I’ll be honest, I’ve been wanting to do this the whole day, so I’m like fuck it, why not? 

I literally feel him pause for like a moment — like, he goes still. 

So fucking still.

The first thought that pops into my mind is “this is uncomfy.” Turns out leaning your head on someone’s shoulder when you’re sitting in squishy ass cinema chairs isn’t exactly comfortable, so after like, not even a minute of doing that, I sit up properly and fix my posture. I decide to lean forward; elbows resting on my thighs, upper body leaning forward because that’s usually how I like to sit when leaning back into the seat isn’t doing me any good. 

And uh… THIS is where something a little more significant happens — he kind of just wraps his arm around my waist and literally scoops me back into him (and in my head I’m literally like “so fucking close, holy sHITTTT LNKEFLEKWNFWKLNFKLEWNKLFEWN”), and tells me to rest my head on his shoulder, saying shit like, “Sitting like that isn’t good for your back.” 

LIKE BITCH. HELLO?? THE AUDACITY WLKNFELWKFN. This isn’t my first rodeo, it’s happened before with another guy but THIS GOT ME FEELING MORE NERVOUS RATHER THAN UNCOMFY. Maybe uncomfortable because of the stupid seats but not uncomfortable because of what he’s doing, you feel me? 

So I’m like… Okay? He has his arm still around my waist, quite tight I must say, and I’m just kinda awkwardly resting my head on his shoulder while his arm becomes a backrest for my back (which isn’t really that comfortable, to be honest), and it’s kinda just wedged between my seat and my back. And I can FEEL the sudden nervousness coursing through me, distracting me from the movie, so thank fuck I watched the movie by myself the first time around or I would have missed some parts of the movie (because this isn’t the only thing he does — there’s more). 

Anyway, at one point, I slightly lean away from him because sitting like that isn’t very comfortable. He still has his arm around my waist, although it’s loosened a little by now. 

The movie’s still running, I’m sort of in my own world, because all I’m thinking is SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, when he kind of starts… rubbing his cheek against my shoulder?? That’s the best way I can describe it lmfao, and my fried writer brain isn’t HELPING.

AND I’M LIKE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD and that’s when my heart starts beating erratically. LIKE BRUHHH. And then he asks, “Is this too much?” (or he asks “Is this okay?” but I can’t exactly remember which one it is so you’re just gonna have to believe it’s either of them) and ahahahahaAHAHAH…

My dumb fucking ass responds to that with an, “Uh, your arm around my back is a little uncomfortable.” BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, OKAY??? But I’m feeling too awkward to pull away AND I’M ALSO FEELING TOO AWKWARD TO MAKE MYSELF MORE COMFORTABLE BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I’D HAVE TO LIKE… FIDGET AROUND AND SNUGGLE UP AGAINST HIM TO MAKE MYSELF COMFY AND MY CHICKEN ASS COULDN’T DO IT LKNFEWLKFNEK (even though I wANTED TO UGH. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. I WANTED TO DO THAT SHIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME—)

So yeah anyway, aha… He kinda pulls away from me fully, and stays in his seat and doesn’t really lean over again. 

And I’m thinking… Well. Nothing else is going to happen, I guess. 

Cool.

I guess. 

…WELLL, BOI WAS I FUCKING WRONGGGG HAAHAHAH. 

Throughout the rest of the movie, he’d grab onto my arm during the more tense scenes; he’d link arms with me and pull me closer to him; he’d lean against me, head on my shoulder, and I’d just kinda… lean my head on his head at times LMFAOOO (returning the favour HA), and my heart was being a fucking asshole half of the time and beating a hole through my chest and I was like oh gODDDD PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHIT PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHITTT— 

Anyway. 

He’d pull away when I’m not reacting to his touch, but then he’d come back in for more. Sometimes I’d react by reciprocating, sometimes I won’t. 

There is one point when I felt his fingers brushing against my knuckles while our arms are linked, and I’m ngl, when he was doing all of that stuff prior to this moment, I was thinking OH GODDDDD is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand— AND LO AND BEHOLD, MY THOUGHTS KINDA CAME TRUE. 

AND THE CRAZY THING IS: I WANT TO LET HIM HOLD MY HAND, but my hands are sweaty and disgusting because I’m feeling so fucking nervous for whatever reason, and so I just pull the fuck away before he could hold my hand LMFAOOO 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 

AGAIN. Not my first rodeo. I’ve had another guy do this (the same dude I was talking about before) but in a much cringier way, and I was definitely not as comfortable with that dude than I was with THIS guy. 

So uh. Yeah. That happens. He kinda leans away after that, and I’m thinking… Hm. He isn’t gonna initiate any more physical contact, is he? But nah. I was proven wrong on that department, once again. He’d grab my arm lightly at times, but I kinda just didn’t react by that point because I’m like…. UH. whAT IF HE TRIES THAT AGAIN AHHH.

Like, don’t get me wrong. I want to hold his hand but ALSOOO PALMS SWEATY KNEES SPAGHETTI FRRRRR. 

But anyway, the movie comes to an end, we get the fuck outta there and I feel relief washing over me because JESUS, that was intense. 

It’s like nearly 9pm at that point, we’ve spent a whole day together and I’m out here feeling a little flustered after all of that. 

He starts apologising profusely, saying he’s sorry, etc, and I keep telling him it’s fine, he’s okay, he’s not a creep (he kept calling himself one). He’s like, “You told me about that guy who was being too much with you and I didn’t want you to think I’m like him” (it’s the other dude I talked about before — the one I felt uncomfy with). And I’m like, “You’re not like him, please don’t worry.” (Because for fucking one, while I was definitely nervous when he pulled me close to him in the first instance, I wasn’t like… uncomfy with it because of him. Like, I would honest to God have stayed like that and let him hold me if the cinema seats weren’t so uncomfortable for leaning against someone LMAO, but oFC HE’S NEVER GONNA KNOW THAT.) 

So we walk out of the cinemas and onto the streets, and there’s this like… Performance going on, with a small crowd surrounding the performer. So, me being a curious little motherfucker, kinda beckons him over, saying, “Let’s go take a look,” and he agrees (side note: I’ve been noticing this guy is very agreeable. Like, I’d say “Let’s go into this store to check this thing out”, he’d be like “Sure” and tag along. When I go into these clothing stores, he would follow me into those stores instead of waiting outside, and when I see he’s tired I’m like, “You can sit down, you know?” but he would be like, “It’s fine,” and continues following me around. It’s kinda sweet ngl, but I do feel a little bad when he’s all huffed out and shit lmfaooo). 

We linger there for a bit, trying to see what’s going on. Mind you, it’s cold; there’s a continuous breeze blowing against our backs, and he kinda just… Stands behind me (while complaining about how it’s freezing) and I didn’t think much of it then but now I’m like… Is that his way of keeping me from the cold OR AM I JUST IMAGINING THINGS?? AM I GOING FULL ON DELULU???

AND ANYWAY, we’re still there, watching, when he gets closer to me and leans his head on my shoulder and rubs his cheek against my shoulder. So I’M LIKE AKJBFEWJLBFJKFEJK, and I rest my head on his (i COULDN’T RESIST, OKAY???) and we kinda stay like that for a moment, and it feels so nice. Annnnnnd then I’m pulling away and suggesting we go home. It’s been a long day, and the night’s only getting colder. 

So we make our way to the train station, he apologises more, I say it’s fine. We gotta get on different platforms to go home, and FOR A VEERRRRYY BRIEF MOMENT, I consider hugging him before we part ways BUT I DIDN’T. I FUCKING DIDN’T AND I WISH I DID, BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO. 

I wanted to hug him is the problem here, and I’m not usually someone who wants to hug people, unless they’re family or close friends so like… BRUH. 

I get on the train, and then I receive a message from him — and he’s apologising AGAIN for being a creep and I’m like bruh it’S FINEEEEE. YOU’RE FINEEE. OMGG. (Not like that, though. I was more using the standard “It’s fine, please don’t apologise”.) We text for a bit and then, mustering up all my shitty courage, I ask him, “Did you want to hold my hand at one point?”

His answer: “PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT.” lkneafklefnklnwfe LMFAOOO, such a shy boi HAHA. 

We’re kinda touching on the topic of boundaries, he’s telling me how he’s a physically affectionate person, so at one point I’m like, “Well, we can hold hands as friends, ya know?” Because these actions don’t have to be romantic. They can be platonic. Annnnnnd he agrees, and basically tells me, “Next time, hug me first. And you can hold my hand too, if you wanted to.” (I feel like a giddy high schooler typing all of this out LMFAO.) 

SO YEAH. TO SUM IT UP, I’m in a dilemma because I can’t tell if he actually wants to be just friends (he kept stating that at the start, but his actions and body language are like… contradicting what he’s saying), or if he wants something more. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe he’s just a really, really affectionate and protective type of friend, and is like this with fuckin’ everyone. 

I DON’T KNOW. 

BUT ANYWAY. THAT’S ABOUT IT. He’s still dry over text, but he’s good to hang out with, and it seems like he wants to continue to hang out with me. Oh, and also, he also keeps sending me selfies of him lmfao. 

And now idk how to feel because I kinda ended up reconnecting with long distant dude (it’s a long story lmfaooo, a lot of my prompt lists are made because of him) and like… I might have lingering feelings for him? BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR THIS MIXED SIGNALS DUDE. OR MAYBE I’M TRIPPING??? LIKE I went into this thinking, “Oh, he’s probably gonna be someone I’m gonna meet up with once and that’d be it” BUT HERE WE ARE, WITH HIM SAYING HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS AND THEN PULLING SHIT LIKE THAT AND THEN MAKING MY HEART AND HEAD GO WNFLKEWNFKLENWFLKN—

THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!  

And it’s only been such a short while tooooo OMGGG, and I understand it’s only the second time we’ve met up BUT JESUS. 

I don’t know what to think or feel or do and I’m juST WLKNFEKN BECAUSE NOW HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GOT ME WAITING FOR HIS GODDAMN TEXTS LIKE A FUCKING DUMBASS UGHHH. And I already wanna see him again sooo… HOW FUCKED AM I AHAHHAHA FJSJSJJSJ (As that one song says: This is the part where I’m gonna get HURT, LMFAOOO.) 

Though, to be FAIRRR, I did tell him briefly about long distant dude and he was like “awww, you guys are like soulmates” SO IM LIKE AHAHHA 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 (he did switch topics pretty abruptly when I tried to talk more about him lmfao, but he skips over shit pretty frequently so maybe that’s just how he is). Perhaps I am over thinking this AND MAYBE HE DOES WANNA BE FRIENDS ONLY but imma see how things progress 😃👍

Now, I’m going be serious for a second: he just got out of a two year relationship three months ago so MAYBE he’s craving physical connection which is why he was acting like that? So I could be completely wrong and he genuinely does want to be friends only so… Yeah. I’m gonna tread cautiously, despite everything I’ve said before. Like, I’m open to whatever happens, but I’m also not looking to get my feelings hurt again. 

With that being said, we’re seeing the Barbie movie next week. It’s kinda funny because I did mention it when we met up last week, and he was groaning about it. 

Earlier today, I messaged him and was like, “Imma buy tickets, did you want to come along or no?” (because if he didn’t want to come along, then I’ll just buy a ticket for myself and watch it myself, no biggie — but I also did kinda wanna see him again so I asked just in case LMAO) and he’s like, “I’ll go with you” with pretty much no hesitation. 

Then, I’m out here making sure he’s okay with it because I didn’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to come along aND THEN HE FUCKING HITS ME WITH THE “I’ll do it for you”.

LIKE, BRUHHHH??? “I’ll do it for you.” BITCCHHHHHH, LET ME JUST CRY BECAUSE WHY CAN’T I HAVE A MAN WHO ISN’T GIVING ME MIXED SIGNALS LIKE THAT IN MY GODDAMN LIFE. 

THE AUDACITTTTYYYYYY SLDKFNDWLKNFWKELFN AHHH.

And then he’s like, “I owe you a lot” since I’m the one buying the tickets again (like I said earlier, he just got a full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like next week so it’s whatever if I’m the one paying for us for now) and I’m like, “You don’t owe me anything, and it’s not like you wanted to watch the movie in the first place” and THEN HE’S ALL LIKE, “Yeah, but I wanted to accompany you” AND IT’S LIKE BRO???? HELLLLLOOOOOO????????

Like, talk about being accidentally smooth LMFAO. 

He also has like, work that day, so him agreeing to accompany me just adds a layer of sweetness to this dhsjsjsj

And he started calling me by my nickname outta no where and I was like tf—

SO YEAH. DO FRIENDS DO THIS JFDFNDKLN. AM I TRIPPING. AM I OVERTHINKING???

And yeah, this is basically where things are at right now and I’ll probably provide another update later if anything significant happens, so you might see me popping up with something else in a reblog of this post lmfao :DDDDD 

So… Yeah. Moral of story is: don’t go on dating apps or you’ll end up playing yourself like a goddamn fiddle. 

(I also just realised I wrote a whole fic, basically, because I failed to be succinct lmao, I’m sorry and I’m gonna be so surprised if anyone reads the whole thing.) 

TL;DR: Dude I met up with two times keeps giving me mixed signals. Says he wants to be friends, but his actions contradict his words. I’M CONFUSION. And might  also be catching feelings but we’ll hold onto that thought for a bit because I think I still like someone else?? And maybe it's been too short of a time to be catching feelings in the first place. So yeah. Fun times.