#i need to romanticize every moment of my life or else i’ll want to die | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jungwonenthusiast · 3 years

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Field Trip

A/N: I’ve been working on this pic for a while, I hope you guys like it :)

Pairing: Jake Sim x fem! reader

Word count: 5.2k

Genre: fluff, high school au

Warning: mentions of virginity loss and porn, occasional swearing, nothing else I think

“How many shirts should I take?” Jake asks you through your phone.

“Uhm, we’re there for three days so take four just incase.” you reply and you pack your suitcase as well.

You two were preparing for your five day field trip to New York which was happening tomorrow.

You packed your favorite jeans and hoodies and even a dress just in case. You can't help but romanticize the hell out of New York after being stuck in this small town all your life.

“How many pairs of underwear should I take?” he asks again and you giggle. He’s like a kid sometimes. “How many times do you think you’ll change your underwear?” you say while sitting on your suitcase to get it to zip closed.

“Probably three but I’ll take four just in case.”

“What a quick learner.” you say and you hear him scoff.

Jake has been your best friend since elementary school when you scraped your knee during tag and he took you to the nurse’s office. He’s been a sweetie since day one.

“I doubt I’m gonna get any sleep tonight,” you sigh. “I’m too riled up.”

“Same,” he sighs. “I wonder how many flashers we’ll run into.”

You laugh. “Why is that the first thing you think of you creep.”

“Hey now,’ he chuckles. “I thought that was the stereotype.”

You hop onto your bed and pick your phone up, it looks like Jake’s doing the same. All you can see are his eyes and a bit of his nose bridge. His dark hair has started to grow out and it was poking at his eyelids.

Your phone pings with a text from Jake. It’s a horrendous screenshot of you climbing over your phone to get into bed. You gasp.

“I’ll kill you.” you tell him as he’s holding in his laugh. “I will do it.”

His laugh bursts out of his throat, jolly and warm. “Why I love it.”

“I hate you so much. Delete it.”

“No way,” he bunches his brows. “You have an entire photo album dedicated to bad pictures of me.”

“And I also have an entire album dedicated to good pictures of you.” you roll your eyes.

“You do?” he asks. “That’s a bit fangirly of you.”

“Me? A fangirl? Maybe Madeline but not me.” you scoff.

“Madeline?” his voice perks up. “She likes me?”

“Yeah, I thought you knew this.” you swear that you’ve brought this up before. Maybe he just forgot.

“Nuh-uh.” he says.

“Well...” you say. “do you like her back.”

“I mean she’s nice but,” he hesitates. “not really.”

“Why not? She’s smart and super pretty. I'm so jealous of her hair.” you say. Madeline was a tan ginger girl with curly fiery hair down to the small of her back.

“You have nice hair.” he says nonchalantly.

You touch it and rub it between your fingers. “It’s whatever.”

He scoffs. “You’re too hard on yourself all the time.”

“I’m a teenage girl, I can’t help it.” You defend yourself, but he isn’t lying.

“I’m bored, can I come over?” he says suddenly.

“Tonight? We have school tomorrow.” you reply.

“Maybe I’ll just sleep over.” he says while turning over in his bed. “I don’t think our parents would care.”

Sleepover? You two hadn’t done that since you turned eleven.

“Where would you sleep?” you ask him, already imagining how this would go.

“I don’t know on the floor.” he shrugs.

“I’m not letting you sleep on the floor I’ll feel bad.” you argue.

“I don’t care, I’m the one who suggested it, plus I miss you dude, I wanna hang out.” he says and you smile.

“I saw you on Friday.”

“Yeah, a whole two days ago.” he gets up off his bed. “Okay I’ll be there in ten.”

“What-” you start but he cuts you off.

He brings the camera up close to his face and he flashes you a smile. “Bye!” he hangs up.

Your palms feel a bit sweaty and you brush them off on your pants. Why am I nervous? You guys have had plenty of sleepovers before but the rest of the boys were always there, probably passed out from beer or a sugar crash.

You tidy your room up a bit and prepare a little blanket bed on the floor right next to your actual bed.

You hear knocking at the door right when you expected, Jake was hardly ever late.

“Hola~” he says as he walks in with his backpack on. He takes his shoes off before skipping over to your room. You giggle to yourself.

He falls back onto your bed with a big sigh. “I missed being here.”

“Why? There’s nothing cool here. Your house is way cooler.” you say and he smiles.

“Well I can’t deny that,” he shrugs and you punch him in the arm. “you’re the one who said it.”

“We get it rich boy.” you roll your eyes and sit down next to him.

“I’m just playing,” he sits up. “you know that.”

“I hope you showered after practice,” you say. “I don’t want you stinking up my bed.”

He whips his head to you, looking a little bit offended. “I am very clean alright? Here smell my hair.” he shoves his head into your face.

You let out a strangled noise and try to push him away. “Okay, okay!”

“No smell it,” he keeps his hair up in your face, it’s tickling your nose. “smells like mangos right.”

Admitedly, he's right. It smells like mangos.

“Yes it does,” you squeak out. “now please respect my personal bubble.” you spread your arms out and create an imaginary bubble between you two. He tries to tug at your arm but you bellow in a robot voice. “PERSONAL BUBBLE PERSONAL BUBBLE.”

“Fine, fine.” he falls back onto your bed again, laughing. “Lets watch something.”

You follow suit and tug your laptop into your lap.

“Hold on,” you get up and close your window, it was starting to get too cold.

You shimmy under your covers and pull up Netflix.

“Scary movie?” you click on the horror section.

“Sure but you probably won’t be able to sleep.” he teases and you roll your eyes.

“That was years ago.” you start to scroll through the movies.

“Mhm, and I’m never letting you live it down.” he says with pride.

During freshman year the gang decided to go to Jay’s house to watch It together and it freaked you out so much that you went to sleep in the boys room rather than the guest room.

You click on Hush, a movie you’ve been avoiding because it’s about one of your biggest fears, a home invasion.

“I thought you hated this movie.” Jake says, crossing his arms. “I do, but I need to face my fears eventually right?” you click on it and get up to turn the lights off.

Jake soon gets under the covers as well. You both cringe and slap each other every time your feet touch.

“Yo yo yo yo watch out!” Jake whispers and pulls his hood over his head, something you both do when you’re nervous. You weren’t wearing a hoodie so you settled with a spare blanket and draped it over yourself like a cloak.

“Oh shit,” you whisper. “look behind you!” you yell at the main character.

By the end of the movie both of your bodies are stiff and sore from being so tense for two hours straight.

“I thought she was gonna die.” you sigh and you shut your laptop.

“Nah, they couldn’t kill the main girl.” Jake says, comfy and cuddled up in your duvet. “She was so smart.”

“Yeah she was.” you yawn and then kick Jake in the side. “Go to your bed.”

He groans. “It’s warm here though.”

“Go and I’ll make pancakes tomorrow.” you say.

He perks up and follows your orders.

You relax into your mattress, but you miss his warmth next to you. You ignore that.

Your alarm goes off at 6:30 and Jake sleeps right through it.

“How the hell does he get up in the morning?” you whisper. “Probably Leila.”

He’s sleeping on his side, cuddling a stuffed animal he must’ve stolen from your bed while you were asleep.

You stretch your back before washing up.

Jake’s POV

My serene sleep is interrupted by pokes at my shoulder.

“Get up poop.” she says. I almost forgot that I was at her house. I crack my eyes open to find her crouching next to me.

“Good morning.” I croak out.

“You stole ginger.” she points at the stuffed bunny in my arms.

“I was lonely.” I say before sitting up and rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?”

“7:30,” she says holding in a giggle. “go wash up so we can eat.”

“What’s so funny?” I ask her as she walks away. “You’ll see when you look in the mirror.” she says.

My eyes widen. Did she draw a dick on my forehead or something? I thought we swore to never do that.

I scramble to her bathroom to meet some gnarly bedhead. I have no clue how guys have good messy hair, my hair is either boring and flat or just messy.

“Jesus.” I say to myself and try to run my head under the sink.

I brush my teeth and secretly use her facial cleanser.

“So fancy.” I whisper while lathering it up on my face.

I can already hear her voice in my head when I’m drying off saying “don't forget to put lotion on, and face lotion, not body.”

A stack of pancakes is waiting for me in the kitchen, just as she promised.

“Thank you mom.” I say to her before digging in.

She sits across from me with her own plate of flap jacks. She looks so pretty this early in the morning. Her face is fresh and sparkly and her eye bags somehow just make her prettier. It’s cloudy out and I can tell she’s cold she way her body is bundled up in her chair.

I still remember the moment I realized that I liked her. It was seventh grade and we were at our town’s annual fair. She got a bit sick after a ride with a lot of loopdey loops so I stayed behind with her while the rest of the boys continued to go on every ride they pleased. She told me to go with them and that she didn’t want me to miss out but I said that it was fine and that I liked hanging out with her anyway. She smiled her bright smile at me and rested her head on my shoulder for a moment. Then she threw up on my shoes. Like projectile cotton candy, funnel cake, and other miscellaneous fair food vomit. And I didn’t even get that mad, I was more concerned for her. After that I figured I liked her, because if it were Jay I would’ve beat him up.

“Did you have any nightmares?” I ask her and she shakes her head.

“Nah, I dreamt that Sunghoon married a dolphin. It was weird.” she sighs.

I choke on my pancakes. “A dolphin?”

“Yeah,” she laughs. “his name was Jerry.”

“And it was a guy too?” I hold my chest, trying not to choke.

“Don’t judge their interspecies homosexual marriage. It was beautiful.” she laughs and takes a big gulp of water.

I’m almost crying at this point. “Best dream ever. I can’t wait to tell Sunghoon this.”

“No!” her eyes widen. “He’s gonna think I fantasized about it or something.”

“What?” I cock an eyebrow. “Everyone knows that dreams are uncontrollable sometimes.” “Still it’s weird. Imagine if someone told you that I dreamt of you marrying a dolphin. It’s be weird.” she says through a mouth of pancake.

“Did they have kids?” I cackle,

“I don’t know. How would that even work?”

“Maybe they had a surrogate or something.” I suggest.

“Oh god,” she shakes her head, smiling. “we need to stop. I feel like I'm violating him.”

“Alright, alright.”

“Should I wear this shirt or this sweater.” she asks me as we’re getting ready in her room.

“Sweater. It’s probably gonna be cold.” I say while tugging socks on.

“Shit you’re right. Then I won’t be able to wear this dress.” she holds up a little dress that flows out a bit from the waist.

“Bring it anyway and maybe you can wear it for a second so I can take pictures for you.” I suggest and she smiles.

“Good idea.”

We both settle of hoodies and jeans and say goodbye to her parents before hopping in my car.

We get to school right when people start getting on the bus to the airport. We throw our luggage into the bottom carrier and get in line.

“Yo!” I hear a familiar voice call as we get on. “We saved seats for you guys.”

Jay, Sunghoon, Heeseung, Jungwon, Sunoo, and Niki have already gotten comfortable in the back of the bus. Niki was already asleep. Y/N couldn’t help but pat his head before settling down next to Jungwon. The bus wasn’t a school one but one of those fancy ones they bring out once a year.

I sit down next to Sunghoon and dap him up.

“What’s up.” I say while putting my backpack down by my feet.

“Tired.” he says. “Valentina kept me up all night.”

I raise an eyebrow and he smirks.

“For real?” I ask and he nods. “No way.”

“Yeah way.” he says and holds up a fist.

I fist bump him and pat him hard on the shoulder.

“You’re a man now Sunghoon.” I congratulate him and he snickers.

“What does that make you then?”

“I’m taking my time alright? I’ll get there eventually.” I say, a little embarrassed.

I look back to check out what she’s doing when we start to drive off. She’s fast asleep with her cheek pressed against Jungwon’s shoulder. He looks like he’s about to dose off too. Cute.

Sunghoon and I watch a couple episodes of Death Note before we arrive at the airport. Sunoo shakes Y/N and Jungwon up.

She’s still groggy as we walk into the airport and grabs onto my arm for leverage. My heart jumps a little. It’s not often that we touch despite how much I think about touching her. I could stare at her back all day. She could ignore me for the rest of my life and I’d still be happy to be in her presence. Mental note to all of you: do NOT let your feelings get to this point.

Soon we’re on the plane and she chooses to sit next me. I silently celebrate. Sunoo and Sungoon behind us, Heeseung and Niki next to us, and Jay and Jungwon in front of us. Sunoo pokes his head over her seat.

“Do you have chapstick I can borrow.” he asks with his blonde hair flopping over his forehead.

She digs into her bag and hands him a small tin of lip balm.

“Thank you!” he says and she nods.

“Are you that tired?” I ask her.

“Mhm,” she sighs and shuts her eyes. “I forgot to drink coffee this morning.”

I put in my AirPods and start to watch Lady Bird. She looks over and takes an AirPods out of my ear.

“I wanna watch too.” she say and puts it in her own.

We take off for the six hour trip and soon Y/N is sound asleep. Her head kept dropping forward so I pushed it up and pulled it to rest on my shoulder. This was not on purpose. I can’t help but snap a picture of her and add it to the good pictures of her album. She looks so peaceful and comfortable and gorgeous. I lay my head on hers for a moment before continuing the movie.

Y/N’s POV

After two hours of unsatisfying sleep, and hour of gossip with Sunoo, and three hours of chit chat with Jake you finally arrive. You sit up and stretch as best as you can in the plane. You pull you backpack onto my back and get you luggage down from the overhead bin. It’s already five p.m. when we get off and your stomach is growling.

We take another bus to the hotel and you can’t help but admire the city life as we drive there.

You’re roomed with two other girls at the hotel but you don’t even bother unpacking. You know you’re gonna be in the boys’ room anyway.

Mrs. Gilroy gave us tonight to do whatever we wanted as long as we were back at the hotel by ten p.m.

You sneak into Jake, Jay, and Sunghoon’s room as soon as you can. And when you get there, it’s already a mess.

“Good lord.” you say as you’re met with clothes all over the floor and mini bottles of liquor on the beds.

“You guys are drunk already?” you scrunch your nose and drop your stuff in a corner of the room.

“No.” Sunghoon says to you lazily with a little smirk on his face. You can’t help but giggle. Sunghoon is pretty adorable when he’s drunk.

“Are you drunk too?” you turn to Jake and he shakes his head. His pink cheeks give him away though. “You’re all bad liars.”

“Lets go swim.” he says excitedly.

“There’s a pool? I didn’t bring a swim suit.” you say, bummed.

“Can we go later, I’m hungry.” Jay says and you agree.

“Me too.”

Jake tugs at your arm. “Come on~ we can order room service or ask Jay to get us something.”

“We can get you guys something.” Sunghoon says, pulling a hoodie over his head.

“Please?” Jake looks at you with shiny eyes. He’s and adorable drunk too.

You purse your lips and sigh. “Fine. But I don’t have anything to wear.”

“Just wear shorts and a shirt.” Jake says as he tugs his swim trunks out of his suit case.

“I didn’t bring shorts because you said it was gonna be cold.” you complain, crossing your arms.

“Uhm,” he stops for a moment. “you can wear my boxers then.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Huh?”

“What?” he looks at you. “They’re basically shorts. And they’re clean.”

You hesitate but then comply as always. He tosses you a pair of black Calvins.

You steal one of Jay’s shirts and make your way into the bathroom to change. You’re wearing a simple cotton bralette which should be fine for the pool. You bundle up the rest of your old clothes and stick them behind your backpack before heading out with Jake.

The pool is empty and huge and is only light by the lights inside.

“It’s so cold.” you rub at your arms as Jake sets your towels down at a seat.

“I’m sure the pool is heated.” he says and dips a toe in. “Yeah, it’s warm.” Before you can even reply, he tugs his shirt off and canon balls in. You turn your face to avoid getting splashed.

“How is it?” you call out as he emerges from the water. He shakes his hair around like a dog.

“It’s warm so come in, you look funny standing there.” he teases and you roll your eyes. You kick your sneakers off and try to make a peaceful jump in but you didn’t realize you were in the deep end. It takes you a moment to get your senses together and swim to the surface.

“Why is it deep?” you say, a bit out of breath.

Jake giggles at you. “Remember when we used to play and you were the mermaid and I was the-”

“Turtle companion.” you finish his sentence. “Yes, as clear as day.”

“Why couldn't I be a mermaid too? Why was a I a lame turtle.” he fusses.

“I’m sorry okay?” you laugh. “I was a mean child.”

“Yeah you were. I’ll never forgive you for shoving that clump of dirt in my mouth.”

You burst out laughing, flailing your arms in the water to try to stay afloat. “You deserved it!”

“I did not!” he protests.

“You cheated in handball! It was one hundred percent deserved.” you say, swimming over to him.

“I barely cheated!” he calls out, starting to swim away from you.

“Barely? I would’ve won and been champion of our grade if you hand’t pulled that shit!” you say, still laughing and swimming after him.

“Why are you chasing me?” he says while hopping around the pool where he can touch the ground.

“So I can shove another clump of dirt in your mouth.” you try your best to get him but your heavy cotton shirt is holding you back. You don’t let it stop you though.

You finally get to him and tug his arm. He yells as you push him underwater. He finds the ground though, and shoots up soon after.

“Are you trying to drown me?” he looks at you, astonished but giggly.

“Maybe.” you shrug before tackling him again. It had been a while since you two wrestled like this.

You’ve got him under water for a bit until he finds your rib cage and plunges you in. It’s hard to hold your breath while you’re laughing. You feel around for him and pinch his thigh only semi hard. He lets you go after that.

“I won!” you celebrate with your fists in the air.

“You used pain, that isn't fair.” he rubs at the area that you pinched.

“Don’t be a sore loser. I won fair and square.” you cross your arms. “Fine.” he admits his defeat. “that pinch hurt though, come kiss it better.”

Your face twists. “Nuh uh.” you say plainly.

“Please?” he asks. “I will drown myself right now.” You laugh at him.

“I will do it!” he insists.

“Okay, okay! I’m not to going to kiss your leg you weirdo but I’ll give you a hug.” you float over to him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I even pinched you lighter than I normally would.”

“I’m sensitive.” he says into your neck and you giggle.

His arms feel so right around your waist and you struggle to decide when to let go, so you just don’t, and neither does he. He holds you decently tight and you feel him pat your back.

You’ve hugged plenty of times before but it felt a little different this time. Probably because you’re pressed up against his bare skin. It makes you feel a bit sheepish.

You pull away from him. “Feel better now?”

He nods with a smile. His cheeks are pink, but this time it’s not from the liquor.

Jake’s POV

I can’t help but feel disappointed when she lets go of me.

I shouldn’t have patted her back that's a dad thing to do.

Her makeup has started to run down her face which makes me giggle.

“What?” she asks.

“Your mascara is making you look crazy.” I say and her hands fly to her face.

“Shit I forgot I had it on.” she attempts to wipe it away but all it does is smear it across her face.

“Here,” I say and float over to her. “I’ll help you.” this was not on purpose.

I hold her face as gently as I can in my hands and rub the runny mascara off with my thumbs. I dip my fingers into the water to get all of the bits off.

I want to kiss her so badly, but I know that I’ll never do it. Sometimes I get irritated at myself for not being able to confess. I think Jay and Sunghoon get irritated about it too.

“You talk about her all the time man just ask her out.”

I don't know why I can’t do it. If she rejects me she’ll do it nicely and things would go back to normal pretty soon. But I don’t think I could live knowing that my feelings would never be reciprocated. Sometimes I get a feeling that she likes me too but I can never be too sure.

“All gone.” I say and she thanks me.

She lets her self float on her back. She has a small smile on her face and she’s so pretty I could cry. There have been multiple times where I nearly cried over how much I like her.

“What are your thinking about?” I ask.

“You know I never know how to answer that.” she bleats. “My mind always goes blank when you ask.”

“Well try to remember what you were thinking about then.”

“Us.” she says plainly. “Us?” I questioned. “What about us?” “I don’t know, just how I met you guys and how happy I am to be friends with you all.” she says.

Oh. She meant all of us.

“Yeah me too.” I agree, trying not to sound down. “Who’s your favorite?”

She snorts. “I don’t have a favorite.”

“Of course you do,” I say. “and it better be me.”

“Why would it be you?” she jeers.

I frown. “Because we met first.”

“I’m kidding, of course you’re my favorite.” she admits.

“And why is that?” I egg her on and she rolls her eyes.

“Because we met first.”

I sigh. “Is that all?”

“Mhm.” she says.

Y/N’s POV

You’re met with InNOut that Sunghoon and Jay got and also a room full of teenage boys. The younger ones were laying on their stomachs on a bed together, watching something on a laptop. Sunghoon and Jay were trying to watch t.v. You say trying because of the furious clicking on the remote.

“What the hell are you guys trying to do?” you and Jake plop onto the one empty bed.

“Trying to find the porn.” Jay grumbles.

“Infront of the children?” you look over at the younger ones.

“They don’t care they’re watching YouTube.” he says, still clicking.

You take a bite of your burger. “You have an endless arena of porn on your phone why do you want the t.v. one?”

“The t.v. makes it special.” Sunghoon says.

“Weird.” you mutter to yourself. “They’re probably gonna make you pay for it too.” Jake chimes in.

“Do you think it’ll go to the school’s credit card or whatever?” Jay asks with wide eyes.

“I don't know but if it does they’ll know it’s from our room.” he says through a full mouth.

You grab pajamas out of your bag and head to the bathroom to shower.

You come out feeling fresh and the younger ones have gone back to their room now.

“My turn,” Jake says, walking into the bathroom.

You sit next to Sunghoon on his bed and start scrolling through your phone.

“Should I get this sweater or this one.” he holds his phone up to you and shows you light blue sweater and a black one.

“Second one.” you say.

“Really?” he questions. “I feel like it’ll make me look emo.”

“You should become emo honestly. It would look good.” you reply and he chuckles.

“You’d have to help me with my eyeliner every morning.”

“Yeah,” you giggle “wait can I do it right now? I wanna see how you’d look.”

“Right now?” he cocks a brow and you nod. “Okay but don’t give me raccoon eyes.”

“I won’t I won’t.” you rush over to your bag and bring your make clutch to the bed.

“Hold still.” you tell him as you give him smokey winged liner.

“It tickles.” he says, trying not to blink too much.

“Beauty is pain.” you clean up the wing with your nail.

In a couple minutes you’re done. “Finished." you say.

“Lemme see.” he grabs a hand mirror from your clutch and holds it up to his face. “Hold on. This looks kinda good.”

“Right?” you had to admit it; he looked gorgeous.

“Why are you so pretty?” Jay says from his bed.

Soon Jake came out of the shower and it was hard to deny how good looking he is especially with his damp hair. How could someone make a t-shirt and sweats look so good? He dumps his laundry by his bag.

“Does Sunghoon have makeup on?” he asks, settling onto his bed.

“Yeah doesn’t it looks nice?” you ask and he agrees.

“Y/N are you gonna sleep here or in your room.” Jay asks.

“I thought I would just sleep on the floor here.” you suggest and he furrows his brows.

“No that’s mean. Share a bed with someone.”

“You should sleep with Jake.” Sunghoon elbows you in the side and you shoot him a dirty look. “We all know he wants you to anyway.”

“Fuck off Sunghoon.” Jake looks over at him with a piercing stare, a contrast to his pink cheeks.

“Is it okay if I do?” you ask him and he nods.

“Yeah for sure.”

Sunghoon snickers.

“I hate you.” Jake scowls.

After a couple hours of watching movies and horsing around it’s nearly midnight and your eyes are getting heavy.

You crawl under the covers and scroll on your phone a bit before trying to sleep. Despite how tired you are it’s hard to sleep with the boys chatting and snickering to each other.

“Can you guys quiet down?” you ask them.

“Sorry.” Jay says.

After maybe an hour of sleep, you feel someone get on the bed. Probably Jake, you think to yourself. His little sighs as he gets comfortable are cute.

“You awake?” he whispers.

“Mm?” you turn on your side to face him. “Yeah.”

“Cool.” he says. The room is dark but the moonlight helps you make out the outline of his face.

‘What’s up?” you ask.

“Nothin.” he says and you giggle.

“Okay weirdo. Go to bed.” you close your eyes, stilling facing him though.

“I’m not tired.” he says.

“Count sheep.”

“That never works for me.” he sighs. “Sing me to sleep.”

You try to slap him in the arm but you end up hitting his face. “Oh shit sorry!”

“Ow!” he whines. “Why do you keep hurting me?”

“It was an accident!” you whisper and rub at his cheek a bit.

“Now I actually deserve a hug.” he pouts and you roll your eyes.

“You are not five years old.”

“I still want the hug.” he says plainly and you sigh.

“Fine.” you scooch over to him and pull him into your chest. You pat his back. “There there. Better now?”

He shakes his head. “It still hurts.”

“You’re embarrassing yourself.” you scoff.

“I have no shame when it comes to your affection, you should know that by now.” he smiles.

You feel his arm fall over your waist and his hand slide up your back. It gives you goosebumps.

You’re cuddling with him. You guys are cuddling right now. You think to yourself. No you’re not, you’re just...hugging. Right?

Jake pulls away to look at you. “I need to tell you something.”

“Are you gonna say your mom again?” you ask and he shakes his head.

“No,” he says giggling. “it’s something for real.”

“Okay what is it?”

He takes a sharp inhale. “I like you.” he winces.

Your heart jumps a bit. “I know.”

“What?” he laughs. “You’re very obvious about it.” you chuckle. “Are you rejecting me?” he asks and you shake your head.

“I would never.” you pull him in by the back of neck and push your lips against his.

#enhypen #enhypen jake #ehypen fluff #enhypen Jake fluff #Jake Sim fluff #Kpop fluff

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chouetteffraie · 4 years

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The Inherent Romanticism of Headpats - Why Ship Dazatsu

I was scrolling through the dark corners of bsd tumblr and came across a few “Why I Ship (blank)” posts and thought I’d like to try and articulate my unending love for dazatsu in a similar fashion! Please note that I am in no way trying to steal the spotlight from other ships or trying to claim that dazatsu is “better” - it’s just my favorite and I wanna talk about them! Also, I physically cannot talk about them without a shipper’s bias - I’ve had them in my heart since like late 2016. This is ingrained into my spirit.

So, without further ado, let’s talk about why I ship dazatsu (and why you should too). yes i’m kidding about that last part.

warning for manga spoilers and headers that would make amazing fic titles. tag me if you use one. manga pictures taken from dazaiscans and easygoingscans.

1. The Promise to be Good

hehehe let’s start with maybe the most obvious one that is, arguably, the most canon fact about these two. Just because I choose to view it as romantic doesn’t mean it IS - but it is certainly a beautiful aspect of their relationship and yes it makes me soft every time I think about it.

We all know Dazai’s past and what inspired him to make the switch from the Port Mafia to the side that saves people - Odasaku. No matter what you say, it’s obvious that Oda and Dazai have a very close, meaningful relationship - and arguably, Odasaku had the biggest impact (and the most importance?) in Dazai’s life. When Oda told Dazai to leave the Port Mafia, to go make something beautiful with his life - he did. And it’s those words alone that keep him motivated to stay in his job and help protect the city - because he loves it, maybe, but because someone he loves urged him to.

Dazai, despite what his strange poetry may make you believe, is only human. As much as those words mean to him, he gets discouraged.

Along comes Atsushi, the starving tiger boy by the river. Atsushi is an orphan parallels to oda saving the orphans already, and he was in dire need of someone to save him. So, Dazai did. Whether it was because of the tiger or Odasaku’s last words, Dazai saved Atsushi and gave him life. He provided food, shelter, a means to provide for himself - even companionship. Everything Atsushi has, it started with Dazai picking him up off the riverbed and lugging him along. What’s more, Dazai didn’t just turn him over to somebody else - he presented a case to Fukuzawa to keep him and serves as his mentor. Further along in the canon story, he provides Atsushi with the emotional guidance that he needs (Portrait of a Father, anyone? Let’s cry over that for a second.) He doesn’t just give Atsushi a moment’s care - he helps him build himself up, he supports him, and together, they protect the people of Yokohama.

Atsushi is living, breathing proof that Dazai is living up to his promise to be a good man. Even better, he seems to be perfectly happy with confirming that yes, Dazai is good, whenever Dazai needs it.

In this way, they complete each other. They provide a source of comfort that nobody else has been able to. Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is doing the one thing he wants to do, more than anything - be what Odasaku wanted.

2. You Saved Me, We Save Each Other

Keeping that in mind, Atsushi is sort of Dazai’s reward for being good. Now, I’m not implying Dazai is owed Atsushi at all - to an extent, you could argue Atsushi is maybe even too good for Dazai. But Dazai is trying to be a good man, and Atsushi is the one who tells him and reaffirms his efforts and gives him that praise, that recognition, that reward for being good. Dazai’s main inspiration to stay on the light(er) side is Odasaku - but that doesn’t mean that Atsushi can’t become another huge driving force that makes Dazai want to stay on that path. Oda motivates him, gives him the reason to start. Atsushi can be the prize that makes trying worth it when he tends to forget.

Atsushi saves Dazai. He saves him from his self-doubt, and from the world that gives him every reason to believe he has failed in his promise. If anything, that promise might be Dazai’s strongest lifeline. By reinforcing the line, Atsushi is saving Dazai.

And of course, Dazai saves Atsushi. He did literally save him by the river, and he helps teach Atsushi how to Not Die by virtue of being his mentor, but it’s more than that. Dazai has been the one to save Atsushi from his own mind time and time again. He provides a reason for Atsushi to believe he has (or is) earned/earning the right to live. Atsushi isn’t entirely over his desire to prove himself worthy - but Dazai is always the one to tell him that he has succeeded in his goal. Dazai is the one to say “You’ve proven yourself. You deserve the life you’re living.”

3. You Learn Something New Every Day

As Atsushi’s mentor, Dazai naturally teaches Atsushi things. But beyond the simple strategic battlefield lessons, Dazai has been there for Atsushi multiple times to help him address and begin to overcome his trauma. Sure, some efforts are worse than the others (dazatsu stans just wipe our memories of the train station scene and that’s valid and sexy of us i think.) But in times when Atsushi is clearly distressed, Dazai has been there to help him through it. He’s helped Atsushi sort through his grief, and he’s helped Atsushi start to see that his feelings are valid and that he’s allowed to live a fulfilling life.

Atsushi isn’t the only one learning, though! That’s one of the best parts of the ship - Atsushi teaches Dazai, too. Dazai has spent a long time feeling as though nobody will understand him intimately, or as deeply as Odasaku did. But Atsushi is getting there. He’s one of the closest to it, I think. From saying things like Dazai is a good man, to picking up on Dazai’s feelings at Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, and even the end scene when Dazai asked Atsushi directly if he thought he was a good person and Atsushi said without hesitation “Sure, why?” Atsushi teaches Dazai that he is human. He teaches Dazai that he is capable of feeling and forming close, intimate connections. They help the other learn about the areas they need to, and in both cases, they’re becoming patient teachers and prized pupils.

4. I’ll Listen When Nobody Else Will

Everybody knows how Dazai is often brushed off when talking about dying. People have brought up that the agency just has faith in his resilience, but that doesn’t meant that they aren’t acting without care towards Dazai. Atsushi does this too - in the very first episode, Dazai’s attempt at suicide is just taken with him being exasperated at his antics before pushing him down. But here’s the thing - it’s generally agreed upon that Atsushi is the one who is sent out to find Dazai. Atsushi is the one who knows where to find him. Arguably, Atsushi is the one that will listen to Dazai. He’s becoming the one who can not only pick apart Dazai’s mannerisms and slightest tells - he isn’t proficient, but he’s working on it - but he’s the one that treats them with care.

I’ve spent a lot of time noting similarities between the understanding Atsushi has of Dazai to the understanding Dazai’s truest friend had to him. Here’s one thing that separates Oda from Atsushi, and for me, it’s one of the major reasons why I personally ship one more than the other: Odasaku didn’t push Dazai the way Atsushi does. Both Oda and Atsushi have a way of laying out a field for Dazai to talk and bounce his thoughts off of, no matter how cryptically they come out. But Atsushi asks questions, he prods at the darkest corners of Dazai and he allows Dazai to question himself so he can continue to grow. Where Oda gave Dazai a place to feel comfortable in where he was, Atsushi gives Dazai a space to feel comfortable as he grows, which is what he needs in order to continue being a good man.

And please note, this isn’t me saying dazatsu or Atsushi is better than odazai or Odasaku. What I mean to say is this is where the difference lies, and Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs now - something he might not have needed without Odasaku’s urging to leave.

5. Guiding Light

When two characters are each other’s north star, where is there not romance? Dazai is very much Atsushi’s main source of guidance, a side effect of being his mentor for sure - but it’s more than just asking questions. Their relationship runs deep into Atsushi’s train of thought, to the point where Atsushi hallucinates Dazai’s presence when he feels uncertain. Any time Atsushi needs guidance or reassurance, he looks to Dazai.

This is more shipper goggle-y, but I like to believe Atsushi does the same for Dazai. I’ve said over and over again that above all else, Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is being good. I also like to think that Atsushi, in a way, is a ray of light for Dazai to follow. He’s selfless (although for some reasons that deserve to be readjusted), he’s kind, and he loves life - all life. He’s a sunbeam in action that provides a perfect example for what Dazai could be and is trying to be - and if this light is happy with keeping Dazai close, maybe there’s hope for him after all.

6. What Makes Life Worth Living

Atsushi and Dazai are opposites in once major aspect: Atsushi has a sort of reverence for life, whereas Dazai craves to escape it. These are two major points of their characters - but here’s the kicker. Dazai wants to get close to human emotion. He wants to understand what makes life worth living. Atsushi is quite possibly the strongest candidate to show him what he can do and how loving life can help. I’m not saying that Atsushi is Dazais’ fix-it-all elixir, but he has a good chance to gently prod at Dazai and get him thinking.

Atsushi can show Dazai what makes life worth living. And that’s something that I think would do Dazai a world of good.

7. Can I Change for the Better?

ATSUSHI! INSISTS! DAZAI! IS! GOOD! I will not ever diminish this point because it is so important! Dazai seems to have it in his head that his blood is mafia black, that he can play the charade of a good man but will never be more than an actor playing a part. Atsushi, though - Atsushi is constantly telling him that he is good. Atsushi, who probably couldn’t keep up a lie for that long because the poor boy has zero tact. Dazai even asks Atsushi frequently if he’s a good person, and Atsushi always says yes. Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs to hear.

Atsushi, however, has his own issues. He has his own trauma to tackle, and his own bad habits to reform to become a better person. Atsushi isn't’ a bad person, but he also isn’t the best version of himself. Dazai can help him become that. Dazai can give him the guidance he needs, as he did with sorting through his grief surrounding the headmaster. Dazai can help Atsushi start the battle against his past, and he has been there with him every step of the way, whether in body or spirit. They help each other be better.

8. I Trust You With What I Love Most

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - the toast they added to the end of season 3 is one of the most tender moments Dazai has ever had with anybody. One thing Dazai never does is let people in on his past - not past the necessary details, anyway, and especially not the intimate moments he holds in his heart. But sharing that toast with Atsushi - inviting him in to the toast he shared with Oda and Ango, “To the stray dogs,” - it’s one of his most vulnerable times on screen. I don’t care what you say. Dazai deliberately letting Atsushi in, giving him this tiny piece of his past he’s had tucked away in a safe place - that was him offering up a piece of his heart. I’m soft just thinking about it again.

Other than that, Dazai has an enormous faith in Atsushi. He’s built entire plans trusting that Atsushi will do his job perfectly the way it needs to be done. Hell, towards the end of the Guild arc, it was his faith in Atsushi to bring the doll down to him that convinced Twain they were beat. Not to mention, Dazai has trusted Atsushi enough to form a new partnership without him in order to protect the city - and if that’s not one of the most blatant displays of trust and faith you’ve seen, I don’t know what is.

9. There’s a Softness Within Me I Didn’t Know I Had

Another thing that’s good for Dazai - Atsushi is comfortable. Dazai can let his guard down, just a tiny bit, around Atsushi, There was the graveyard scene in Dead Apple, or the toast scene at the end of season 3 - those are moments where Atsushi has given himself a moment to relax and show Atsushi how proud he is. This kind of emotion, this vulnerability that says ‘I’ve been hoping you’d pull through and look at how amazing you’ve become’ - there’s a softness that holds that Dazai doesn’t hold for anybody else. It’s a gentleness or pride, of trust, of somebody becoming more than you could ever imagine and coming back to you, even thanking you - it’s a sensation nobody else has given Dazai, because nobody else has been a protege as trustworthy and gentle as Atsushi.

(and, believe me, there’s a hundred other examples of the softness in the anime, manga, official art, and so much more. here’s a thread that you can still add to if you want)

Atsushi is also soft with Dazai. He wants to make him proud, sure, but there isn’t any fear once their job is done. Atsushi doesn’t have to fear horrible repercussions if he makes one misstep - Dazai allows him to learn, to grow, and to feel however he seems fit (or, it’s a skill he’s improving at as the series goes on.)

They give each other a safety to feel vulnerable. They are comfortable to each other. And, of course, they have a special softness for the other that they do not hold for anybody else.

10. My Mistakes are the Cracks You Have a Knack for Fixing

Again, Atsushi is always there to reassure Dazai that he can be a good man. One part of this is that he insist that Dazai’s past doesn’t have to affect his future. He’s one of the only people who tells Dazai that he doesn’t hold him accountable for what he’s done before - he’s Dazai-san now, and that’s what matters to Atsushi. Atsushi gives Dazai the most space to fix these mistakes, to move past them, and to learn from them, not holding them against him at all.

In the same way Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he’s being a good man, he is also Dazai’s proof that he can fix the mistakes he made. (Of course, I’m not excusing the way he strings anybody along - but the first step to fixing a mistake is admitting you have made one and working on yourself, and that’s what Atsushi allows him to do.)

In conclusion, I think Dazatsu is so soft and amazing because it’s about the healing and acceptance. BSD is all about gray morality, and dazatsu is a soft ship that can take each other’s bad and accept them. It’s not only about seeing the darkest side of somebody - it’s about accepting those flaws but also giving them space to grow. They grow and they learn and they heal together. They ensure that the other never has to go through a drastic change alone. In a way, they can be home for the other, a refuge from the shitty cards life has dealt them and a steady lifeline to reach for a better tomorrow. That’s why I love dazatsu - because I can’t see another situation with nearly as much love and trust as they have. They are tender, they can be vulnerable, and they can heal.

Like the beautiful sunset hours the met in, they celebrated in, they console each other in, they allow the other to turn the page on their past and start anew, with a clean canvas for a dazzling display that they can make together.

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zigtheeortega · 3 years

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For the past six months, @pixeljazzy and I have been working on a playlist we felt could top last year’s, which was so well received!

We’ve broken it up into sections by individual love interests, multiple love interests, main character, and miscellaneous, which includes side characters, general vibes, etc. Underneath each song are lyrics we believed stood out to us along with explanations as to why we chose it. Like last year, the [p] is for PJ and [j] is for Jade.

Here’s the link to the playlist on Spotify, but we’ve individually linked the songs with each explanation as well!

We sincerely hope you enjoy our 2021 RODAW Playlist!

The Bay, Soft Glas. ft. Mulherin [j]

Leaving you alone is too hard (hard, hard) / I just never know where to start (with you)

I'm not used to leaving someone broken hearted / That might be what really makes this hard (It's hard) / I've never been with anyone this long / If I did it, I really miss you

The softness and apologetic tone of the song reminds me of Logan through and through. He’s so regretful for what he put MC through, both at the beginning when he was lying to her, and by the end when he thinks he’s ruined her life by simply being a criminal and dating her. And by leaving her he’s leaving the one person who’s loved him unconditionally and stuck with him through it all.

Call Me, Nav [j]

They taught me, "Don't forget where you came from" / I regret what I came from

Do you know how it feel to feel alone? / Bought myself a house, to feel like I ain't home / Driving by myself, ain't got nowhere to go / Are you really here for me, I don't know

I hope you mean everything that you told me / I'll try to come back to you, girl, I'm sorry / If you miss me, just call me

This song honestly reminded me of Logan’s backstory that we don’t know much of, besides the fact that he was thrust into a life of crime as a teen and as an adult he hates it. The other lyrics I added are kind of a glimpse into the future I think – wherever Logan is, whatever he’s doing, if he’s not with MC, the woman he loves, everything he accomplishes is gonna feel hollow. And despite him saying that he was leaving to protect her, I know in his heart he’d want her to find her way back to him.

Cold Case Love, Rihanna [p]

I’m torn apart and you know / What you did to me was a crime

We opened up a cold case love / And it got the best of us / And now prints, pictures, and white outlines / Are all that’s left at the scene of a crime / Of a cold case love

The first line reminded me of how MC probably felt after being betrayed by Logan, the one that was arguably supposed to be the closest to them, and then the second lyric is because at the time, MC left and that was the last Logan knew of them with nothing to stand for what they used to have until they eventually came back to help save the crew.

Compass, The Neighbourhood [j]

If I don't have you with me, I'm alone / You know I never know which way to go / I think I need you with me for all-time / When I need new direction for my mind

I've got something to confess / I keep you in my pocket to use / You're my only compass / I might get lost without you / (Could you tell me where to go?)

You're always there to help me when I'm down / I'm lucky you've been keeping me around / You're the star I look for every night / When it's dark, you'll stick right by my side

Like a magnet / Hard to imagine ever changing / Can't help that I'm attracted to you, I am / Could you keep on guiding me? Please

This is a quintessential Logan song – reading these lyrics, it’s like Logan spoke them himself to MC, and that’s why I included so much of the song. All of these remind me of him and his hopeless romanticism, but specifically the line about her being the star he looks for every night? Absolutely perfect. This entire song is like a love letter from Logan to MC.

Don’t Leave Me, Blackstreet [p]

I’m searching for the words to make you realize / That I really, really want you to stay

Don’t leave, don’t leave me girl

This song was giving me Logan vibes from the diamond scene where he’s like “I can’t believe I love someone” and MC is like “you don’t get to say that to me” or some shit like that because he’s trying soo so hard to explain himself to her and to make her not hate him.

Imma Dog, Ugly God ft. PnB Rock [j]

You say you love me, shawty, tell me why / 'Cause I'm a dog and I'ma probably be this way until I die / You say you always gon' be by my side / You say you trust me with your heart and I swear, I just wonder why

Okay, hear me out, I forreal have reasons for this to be tied to Logan. The only verse in this song that’s a non chorus one is related to cheating, but I’m choosing to ignore that for the sake of the chorus. I heard the chorus for the first time and it made me think of one specific moment and point in time in Ride or Die. These lyrics remind me of Logan’s attitude when he was being mean and pretending to be annoyed by MC to get her off of him – despite the facade he’s still in awe of the way she trusts him and cares about him even when he’s treating her like garbage.

Life’s a Mess, Juice WRLD ft. Halsey [p]

Uh, sometimes life’s a mess

Lookin’ for somethin’ real, then I found it

I’m too flawed to hold you down, but / Don’t wanna be here alone

Logan knows all too well how much of a mess life really is (first lyric), and the second lyric is basically what I think he feels about MC. He told MC in the beginning that he doesn’t really stay with crews or trust anyone but himself, but MC was that exception before the rest of the crew became that exception too. And then the third lyric is because Logan looks at himself as someone who probably doesn’t deserve MC, Vaughn even said he was morally obligated to tell MC that she’s too good for his cousin (yes it was a joke (was it) but it fits), but he still wants her anyway (“Look at you...then look at me. You’re going to be valedictorian. I never even went to high school...I don’t have anything, and I wasn’t anybody, and I knew that. I always knew that….Some part of me really wants you to mess things up for me.” - Logan, Ch. 3).

Unfair, 6lack [p]

Hope my mistakes don’t make me less of a man / ‘cause lately it feel like them shits really can / I’m prayin’ I don’t wake up all alone

But know I’m stuck between / What I love and who I love and / I know it’s unfair

The first lyric I feel like is pretty self-explanatory as Logan expresses remorse for his actions (him acting weird and tryna tell MC about his dishonesty in the club, him making the effort to apologize or explain in the diamond scene after the reveal) and it especially hits if your MC is romancing Logan because he doesn’t want to lose them. As for the second lyric, I was thinking about how he was probably stuck between doing what’s best for the crew and doing right by MC

While We’re Young, Jhene Aiko [j]

Baby while we're young / I think we should do something crazy / Like say, "Fuck everyone" / And just run away from the daily routine

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it / And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

'Cause it's been another perfect day with ya / Wanna lay with ya / Spend the night with ya / Then spend my life with ya, alright

I'll go everywhere you go / You know I'll go, I'll go / Everywhere you go

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it / Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

This reminds me of Logan and MC’s brand of romance that’s sweet and clumsy and a little bit reckless when it really gets going. They’re both cautious but they fantasize about throwing caution to the wind even more than they already have.

Angel With A Shotgun, The Cab [p]

I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back / I’ll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe

Sometimes to win, you have to sin

And I want to live, not just survive

Lemme explain because I feel like people may think this song is really really out there for Colt but I was listening to this song one day and thought of him, esp the last two lines I chose: I think of how Colt came up with the kidnapping plan and how it was so crazy because it was like wow he really was ready for murder if it came down to it, but Colt was basically like we need to do something big to outsmart them or else we’ll just be doing shit for them forever (‘sometimes to win, you have to sin’).

Born 2 Be Great, Lil Tjay [p]

I was born to be great / And I won’t let nobody tell me I ain’t / And I can’t stop, won’t stop

Growin’ up, I’m gettin’ old, start settin’ goals / Tryna make more money off my business and shows / And everybody gon’ hate, I’m great, I know / Everybody can hate, I’m great, I know

These lyrics just scream COLT to me all the way. He knows and believes he’s destined for greatness no matter what path he chooses because no matter what he does, he’s gonna succeed in the end. “I can’t stop, won’t stop” reminds me of how Kaneko wanted Colt to choose for himself what he wanted to do, and even though Kaneko tried to shield Colt away from the family business, that’s where Colt wanted to be. The second lyric is essentially Colt just knowing he’s gonna make money and that he won’t be liked (hated by other crews, police, etc.), but that won’t matter because he’s great nevertheless.

Chandelier, B.o.B ft. Lauriana Mae [p]

They say life’s about choices / In the face of defeat I declined / Put your soul into everything, never back down / That’s how you leave a legacy behind

Let my blood keep pumping, my heart keep beating / Shining like a chandelier

Making something out of absolutely nothing / That’s the definition of a survivor

Colt definitely felt ‘put your soul into everything, never back down / that’s how you leave a legacy behind’ because of how much he focuses on carrying on what his family has built, and taking all the risks necessary to keep that legacy alive and make a name for himself. I put ‘shining like a chandelier’ because that’s how bright Colt shines, as I believe he’s destined for greatness and wouldn’t allow himself to achieve anything but.

Down Bad, Real Recognize Rio [j]

I've been out of my head for a couple minutes, for a couple miles / Made the hair stand up on my neck / On a knife edge, comin' at me for my crimes / Got a mind that can leave you locked inside

'Cause you got me down bad, down bad, your deep desire / Carve my name on your soul, then I walk through the fire / Your voice so clear, like you say my name / You got mе runnin' for my life like this shit was a game / Got mе down bad, down bad to feel your touch

This song reminds me of Colt specifically during the gambling scene when he got shot and the last car chase scene, because MC is put in serious danger but it does nothing to shake her love for Colt. She’s scared for her life and her future but she’s still willing to put everything on the line for him and MPC.

Forever Ever, Trippie Redd ft. Young Thug [p]

You gon’ really have to hold me fuckin’ down, babe / ‘Cause I ain’t with the fuckery, that playing ‘round, babe

We Bonnie and Clyde but except the shots

He don’t love you like he should, I can love you better

First and second lyric are because they’re a team, and Colt sees MC as his right hand. In the life he lives, the people on his team gotta be down fr because there’s always a lot at stake. The last lyric is more conditional, as I feel like this could be him if MC was also romancing Logan because in the reveal, Colt’s like you deserved to know and in the car in the chapter afterwards that’s when he’s like bro we could run this whole shit etc. etc.

Impala, O2worldwide [j]

I been watching you from a distance / Sitting back and acknowledging your existence / I made a couple songs but you'll probably never listen / Shooting my shot but i'm always fucking missing / Setting my ego aside / Me and you can go together just like Bonnie and Clyde / I've been tripping over you just like my shoes is untied / And I tried to hit you up its like my confidence died but

I see you everyday but don't past corners of eyes / I'm just gonna act like I didn't see you close to that guy / Not gonna lie you got me head over ears / I'm tryna find love because I don't know just how it feels

Anyone listening to this and reading the lyrics is going to hate me because… is this the perfect “Colt pining for MC because she’s getting close to Logan” Love Triangle song, or what? I listen to this song so casually most of the time that I forget how sad the lyrics actually are. The first couple verses (not the third verse) fit the narrative so well. A lot of my favorite “Colt” songs aren’t ones where they’re outwardly admitting any kind of affection for MC – they’re the ones where it reads as Colt struggling with their feelings for MC and how to express them.

PTSD, G Herbo ft. Juice WRLD, Lil Uzi Vert, and Chance the Rapper [p]

I don’t belong, I see my past everywhere

I got a war zone on inside of my head

A million dollars ahead, I’m still angry and seeing red

I’m too paranoid, I make sure all my opps, they bled

This song always guts me because G Herbo is talking about all the people he’s lost, and for Colt, I imagined this was probably him after losing his father. Reminded of his past when he saw the remains of the shop, reminded of his past every time after that probably when he was rebuilding the shop. As for the million dollars, it’s like he could pull off as many heists as he could but he would never be satisfied until Brotherhood paid, hence the last lyric because honestly I don’t think it’s over until Shaw is dead (ik there’s a line in ROD where he’s like if we were even, he’d be dead, I just know it).

Sun God, Trippie Redd [j]

Went out my way just to love you / Right at the top, no above you / Right off the top, know I trust you / Ready or not, here I come, boo / And baby, you're hot, like the sun, too / Not too hot for me, no I'm sun-proof / Follow your lead, I'ma come through / Just you and me, baby, one-two

I think this is Colt way farther down the line if MC had the chance to really fall in love with him. He’s the type to value trust and loyalty in a bond more than anything else because he doesn’t do either of those easily at all. And I think that the line about being sun-proof is a cute callback to a lot of the fandom comparisons of Colt and Icarus – the title too and the lyrics just scream Colt to me.

Where Does The Love Go?, Maria Isabel [j]

Nightly negotiations with the moon, whoever's listening / All the miles between us got me messed up, got me trippin'

They say lovin' is easy / But not when one of us is leaving

Back on a plane / Two different coasts / When we're alone / Where does the love go? / What if you go / Forget the way home? / Running in circles but never together / So where does the love go?

The more I listen to this song the more I think this song is about Colt and MC. Colt’s not a clingy type in the slightest, but there’s no doubt in my mind that deeper into the relationship, both Colt and MC would have some doubts – the reason I say this is because I’m viewing the lyrics through the lens of Colt and MC doing long distance while MC is in college on the East Coast. This whole song is long distance relationship anxiety summed up perfectly and it’s so Colt.

Yellow Lights, 24kGoldn [p]

Don’t want no yellow light / don’t want no mixed message

For the crown, ‘cause we could achieve it

Love you now, but don’t you deceive me

Second lyric resonated with me esp because of that line in the book where he’s like “But the two of us? We put our brains together, you and me could run this whole town” so he knows he could achieve an empire with MC by his side. Last lyric is because Colt definitely doesn’t trust those around him and for those that he does trust, that trust doesn’t come easy. So MC, who managed to get past that, is loved, but would automatically lose a lot if she deceived him (now imagine….snitch MC? This line would hit a lot more because she ends up deceiving him so like he had a right to be wary of her holding his heart (like if we’re looking at the pov of him saying this lyric)).

Can’t Love, Trippie Redd [p]

She say she love me, I think she love me not / She say she love me, I know she love me not

How could you do this to me? / Yeah, yeah, I thought you, I thought you loved

Another Mona and her ex song teehee but I’m imagining this from Mona’s pov while she’s in jail like wow that girl never loved me like she said she loved me (first lyric) and how could she betray me like this (second lyric).

Favorite Mistake, Giveon [p]

Is my secret safe? / Safe with just you and me / We can’t leave a trace / This is my favorite mistake

Look in my eyes / Do you mind the lies? Do you feel alive?

Even when you’re gone / The feeling just grow stronger / Should leave it alone / But you’re getting closer

So I finally did a Mona route and GOD yes this song is about cheating (Mona and Hieron can’t relate) but we gon ignore that and just focus on these lyrics specifically because wow they really hit me like Mona for one was in denial of her feelings for MC from the jump and at some point she’s like god this is so ridiculous I can’t believe I’m feeling this way again so ofc she doesn’t want people to know she’s in love (like that time Toby is like man she is NOT happy about liking you! in the club scene) hence the beginning of the first lyric but at the same time….. she’s in love… so “this is my favorite mistake.” As for the second and third, the lies are that “I don’t like you” ra ra ra she’s only fooling herself and then it’s like yeah she knows her feelings are dumb but she can’t help but fall for MC anyway <3

Gonna Love Me, Teyana Taylor [p]

Sometimes we say things that we really don’t mean / We do things in between the lines

Please wait up for me ‘til whenever I get home / I know that you’re all alone / Thinking ‘bout what you’re gon’ do / I hope that you see it through, ooh, ooh

Why is it so hard to keep in touch

For the first lyric, I was thinking of the time MC says “Being with you makes a difference to me. It feels safer” and Mona replies that “It’s just an illusion. A blanket. And I’ve told you before not to count on me.” Yeah she said that wit her chest but ik she knows it’s more than that for the both of them. The second and third lyric both have to do with her being in jail by the end of the book (making it literally hard to keep in touch), and even though she tells MC not to wait up, a part of me thinks the vulnerable part of Mona would’ve hoped at least a smidge that MC would, and the last bit ‘thinking ‘bout what you’re gon’ do / I hope that you see it through’ reminds me of the advice in the diamond scene of driving Mona to the hospital that she gave MC which was that to move on, you just gotta keep your foot on the gas and look forward and that eventually, she’ll be somewhere better than she’s ever been.

Love or Lust, 24kGoldn [p]

It’s love or it’s lust, we just need to be clear / ‘Cause if you’re in love, then I shouldn’t be here

Would you walk eight thousand miles just to make me smile on a rainy Wednesday? / If so, then you gots to go, it ain’t mutual and I’m not pretending

Basically in the beginning stages of MC falling for Mona, Mona’s like oh hell nah (“I shouldn’t be here”) and she recognizes that MC likes her a lotttt (MC would definitely walk eight thousand miles to make her smile on a rainy Wednesday) and so she’s like fuck

PLW, Leon Thomas [j]

Left my fear right at the door (ooh) / She's an animal hunting in the wild, yeah (in the wild) / Doesn't move around or groove / But she come from the depth / That's why she's down to earth / An instrument of war

Baby ain't no beginner / I got love for my little winner / Flashing or finessing / That's why I mess with her, yeah

And you don't have to worry, yeah / 'Cause I know what's she worth / No, you don't have to save me / From my pretty little weapon

Ooh my baby smart, and she sharp, and she sharp, yeah / Pretty little weapon

I’ll never ever get over how this song fell into my lap and is absolutely perfect for Mona. This is for an MC who acknowledges that Mona’s a badass and that she loves her because of her strong personality and unwavering confidence because she knows she’s good at her job. The first verse is the best approach an MC could take – leaving her fear at the door because she knows someone like Mona could sniff it out. The line “No, you don’t have to save me / From my pretty little weapon” kills me, because it’s accurate – on Mona’s route, despite any betrayal, the MC is still in love with her and knows that Mona would never actually hurt her.

Sleeping With the Enemy, BbyMutha & Kindora [j]

Creeping around corners / I don't feel like myself / Studying your movements / It's a carousel / And I can't confirm that you / Mean what you say / And I'm pretty sure / That it's / Better that way

Why can't I trust in you / Am I slipping up / Over you / If it really turned to be the way / That I think / How bad could it be?

And I know that we could go for / Round and round like 123 / And I gotta question myself / Is it coming? / Possibly / And I gotta wonder / Am I sleeping with the enemy?

I'm watching my back / Like I got nothing left / I give you all I got / Wish I knew what was next

The first time I heard this song it was a toss up between whether or not it was a Colt and Mona song (or both) but I settled on Mona pretty quickly after a re-listen. Not only is the internal conflict in the lyrics a perfect description of Mona’s own battle, but it could be easily viewed from MC’s perspective as well. The idea of knowing it’s “wrong”, and mistrusting them but pursuing it anyways is quintessential early Mona route.

The World is a Marble Heart, AJR [p]

We could have been, we should have been / What your heart couldn’t handle

Run away, girl, ‘cause I let you / Now you found some other man, you see / I’m better off without you, ‘cause the man ain’t me!

I’m going right now / To the beginning / What you denied from the start / And now you can’t go breaking my heart

The world is a marble heart / It’s bullshit and we know it

I think the first lyric is definitely MC to Mona because Mona was afraid to allow herself to be in love, and then evidently their relationship couldn’t blossom because Mona ends up arrested (“we could have been, we should have been”). This song called out to me because Mona always comments on how MC’s heart got them into the Brotherhood mess, how MC always think the crew is something they’re not, so MC’s heart is the marble heart and the last lyric (“it’s bullshit and we know it”) is essentially Mona being like girl you know we are not what you think we are. The second lyric is because in a scene after the reveal, Mona drives MC to Riya’s house and MC goes I wish we could run off together and Mona is like just say the word and MC is like I can’t :/// and then Mona is like the only one stopping you is you, and then “I’m better off without you” is Mona being don’t call don’t write don’t text

Would You, Pink Sweat$ [p]

Would you die for me? I would die for you / Would you shoot for me? I would kill for you / Would you run up the bag if I needed you to? / Girl, all the things that I’d do for you / Would you do for me too?

I wanna know when it pops off that you gon’ be right next to me

This was giving Mona and her ex from that scene where MC got a glimpse into Mona’s past. Essentially, Mona’s ex and her were thick as thieves, and when they got arrested, Mona didn’t say anything and her ex did, so Mona was always ten toes down but her ex never had her (Mona) like she (Mona) thought she (her ex) had her (Mona)

Both of Us, YFN Lucci [j]

Stay with me when there's no one else to call / If you got me then I'm in it for the both of us

Look, ayy, do you love me like you say you love me? / Ay, do you vow to keep it cute when everythin' get ugly? / Ay, if I ever leave, girl would you come lookin' for me?

I think that this song and these lyrics fit into the title of the book and how “ride or die” each of the love interests are for MC and vice versa. I think the softer parts of this song are MC for sure, and Logan at times, and the second bullet point is Colt and Mona. For them, it’s more of a promise of loyalty rather than love like the earlier lyric is (which is why I think that’s a bit more hopeless romantic like Logan).

C U Girl, Steve Lacy [j]

I haven't seen you in a while, you know I miss you babe / When you hear this song, feel flattered, it's about your face / And how I miss it and I wish that I could see it more / But you're in college now and I'm about to go on tour

I love this song because it makes me think of the possibility of MC and the LI having a “song” – one where any time they hear it they think of each other. And that when they hear it it makes them happy but at the same time they’re forced do think about the distance between them and how much they miss each other.

Collide, Tiana Major9 and Earthgang [j]

Everybody's got opinions on our thing / Say we're flying down a path with no ending / And if I die before I wake / Ooh, don't let me wake up from this dream / When we collide / When we collide, it's a beautiful disaster / When I crash into you, you, you

And I don't care about the future or the past / Riding slow, 'cause you know the world's moving too fast

Without you, I'm just a fraction / Closing in on my demise / And I love you religiously / With everything inside of me / As long as I'm alive

So I think it fits for all three because the relationship is taboo since they’re criminals and she’s a valedictorian getting ready for college. Their relationship is sloppy and dangerous and comes to an inevitable end, and they both know that, so this song for sure encapsulates how little both the LI and MC care about that. They don’t that it’s a trainwreck, because colliding is all that matters :)

Heaven, Clairo [j]

Alone, for the last time / You're just a loner / Give it a try / And you're hard on yourself / And your laugh, it just melts in my hands / Lonesome in the streets

I'll get by with you on my mind / I'll get by with you on my side

I love the idea of this song being viewed as MC’s perspective of her LI, because I’m sure the other LI’s haven’t been appreciated in the way that she appreciates them. For example, the line about the laugh melting in her hands makes me think about how they’d react to her saying that to them. None of the LI’s probably have never been told their laugh is cute, and I’m sure they’d be confused about it at first, so this whole song gives me a cute late night summer drive vibe. Like the MC is in the passenger seat of Mona or Logan’s car or draped around Colt and she’s just appreciating the things she loves about them.

Heaven Ain’t Hard 2 Find, Tupac [j]

Simply because you nervous, let me start off with my conversation / Hoping my information, elevates the hesitation / I can see it clearly now / Catch you smiling through your frown / I'm askin' Baby Boo are you down?

Heaven ain't hard to find / In fact you can have it just have faith / Just like a little kid, still believing in magic / It takes a lot of sacrifice / With all the lonely nights on tour / I need somebody I can trust in my life

Oh god help me identify me truest thoughts / Your hidden motives full of passion who would of thought / Come holla at me baby, love me for my thug nature / Far from a player hater, label me a money maker / Straight heart breaker

I originally added this song because it’s canon that Colt loves old West Coast Rap, so that makes me think he’s a huge Tupac fan. I can see him listening to this in his car driving down a California highway at like 2 a.m. On the other hand, though, the beginning of the song reminds me of the first meeting with Logan at the party, or the second meeting when they go to the car show – young love jitters and all that.

Keep Me Up, Charlotte Lawrence [j]

My heart starts beating and my hands start sweating / My chest starts sinking and sometimes will even start shaking / It's physical and emotional

And I don't want you all inside my head / And I can feel you running through my veins

When I say, and I say, and I say / That I want you in my life / But you stay, and you stay, and you stay / And you never leave my side / And you take, and you take, and you take / And you say you feel so nice, boy / And you keep me up all night

I think this fits with all the LI’s and MC and how they cope after the LI’s had to leave. Read it from both perspectives and it honestly fits so well for both of them – like the first couple months of restlessness staring at their ceiling while reflecting on how much they miss each other.

Kitchen, Kid Cudi [j]

Hmm, you wanna find somebody you trust and lay low / But it seems they all on the same mission / You wanna find somebody you trust and lay low / But can't stand the heat of my love, then stay out the kitchen

Oh baby here we are, I made a wish on shootin' stars / I ain't even mad at it, we made it this far

The attitude of this song reminds me of both Mona and Colt’s feelings about relationships – they both know they’re intense people and that they don’t trust or love easily, and that whoever’s interested in them needs to know that. They’re not going to apologize for it, but they appreciate anyone who sticks around and loves them despite that.

Meet Me Halfway, The Black Eyed Peas [j]

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline / Is where I'm gonna wait, for you / I'll be looking out, night n' day / Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I stay / I can't go any further than this / I want you so bad it's my only wish

I think of all three LI’s when I listen to this, because it fits into the idea of them struggling to maintain both of their lifestyles and have them mesh together. And it plays into the distance when MPC has to scatter.

Moonlight, Trippie Redd [j]

I can still be your man / I was tryna see your plans / 'Cause I was tryna have this dance tonight / Your body, girl, I'm a real big fan / And I cannot lose this chance / So, baby girl, grab my hand / This moment I'm waiting for, I fantasize / I just wanna be with you, I just wanna be with you tonight / Under the moonlight

This reminded me of the prom scene and how despite the chaos, all three love interests took the time to appreciate MC and soak up their last “date”.

out for the night, 21 Savage [j]

Five foot five (Five), she my ride or die (Die) / Never tell a lie (Lie), we like Bonnie and Clyde (Clyde) / Lookin' at her thigh (Thigh), like, "Do it come with rice?" (Rice) / She don't like FaceTime, she would rather Skype / But I'm out for the night (Straight up) / Out for the night (Straight up)

When I heard this song I could definitely see Colt listening to it, but I think the flirtiness of the song fits for all three love interests! Also, I mean… “she my ride or die” and “we like Bonnie and Clyde”? Self explanatory.

Part of Me, Teo [j]

I believe there's no one in your place / So much lovely / You can cure my mistakes / You reside in me no room for escape

You're my darling / You're my love / You're rocking all of your diamonds / All dressed up / And girl I lost my mind, no, I messed up / So now I'm knocking at your doors with my chest up

You're part of me / Come again and see / Diamonds make you sparkle

This reminds me of the prom scene from the LI’s perspective. And even more so than that, it reminds me of post prom/car chase where they have to say goodbye to each other the last time. It’s like a bittersweet tribute to MC about how much they mean to them and how much they’ll think about them when they’re apart.

Special, 21 Savage [j]

We got something special / I was finna text you / But I don't wanna pest you / Even if we ain't together (no matter we're forever) / I'm still coming to your rescue

Ride with me (ride with me) / Tell the truth and don't you lie to me (lie to me) / You know I need you on my side with me (side with me) / Tell the truth and don't you lie to me (lie to me) / Baby, roll with me (roll with me)

I'mma hold you down forever / You my round forever / They just want to use you, but I'm tryna help you

I think of Colt mostly with this song, but it definitely fits with all of the li’s in my opinion! Logan, Colt, and Mona would all approach their relationship with MC this way – constantly affirming that they’re there for MC no matter what, even if things go South with them, they’re always one call away. And especially the last line “they just wanna use you, but I’m tryna help you” that’s for sure an overprotective LI about the Jason Shaw situation and generally people taking advantage of MC’s kindness.

Drunk on Love, Rihanna [p]

Take me away / I wear my heart on my sleeve / Always let love take the lead / I may be a little naive, yeah

I feel like I’ve heard MC being described as naive, and even in the book Mona is like man it’s your damn heart that got us into this mess because you thought we were more than who we are, so yeah this song reminded me of MC.

Final Goodbye, Rihanna [p]

Thought that you would stay forever with me / But the time has come to leave

Promise you our love will carry on

Final goodbye, MC saying goodbye to their LI, you catch my drift.

The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty, Panic! at the Disco [p]

If you wanna start a fight / You better throw the first punch / Make it a good one

I feel like this lyric specifically is saying that if you’re gonna stand for something, you better give it your all, and it reminded me of how MC came up with the plan to defeat the Brotherhood in the last few chapters of ROD, and to get out of it, they really had to go all out (AKA MC telling the police everything, meaning the gang had to go on the run). Also, MC just nose-dived into this life and I feel like this lyric is like ‘well sis if you gon be a criminal you might as well do your best’ (and she did when she bodied her first heist I know that’s right, my driver forever <3).

Harder We Fall, Jessie J [p]

So, whatever path we choose to take / There will be highs and there will be lows, the same / Oh, we’ll never run from our mistakes / The harder we fall the harder we try again

I just feel like this is a good song for MC to listen to in the car on her way to Langston yk crying but the windows are down and the wind is wiping your tears so you just keep it pushing because you’ll live and you’re stronger than your lows.

House of Memories, Panic! at the Disco [p]

If you’re a lover, you should know / The lonely moments just get lonelier / The longer you’re in love than if you are alone / Memories turn into daydreams, become a taboo

I think of you from time to time more than I thought I would

I just feel like this is a perfect song for MC going through the motions of leaving their lover behind and thinking about the times they shared because her life with the crew will always be so drastically different than the life she was went to have (going to Langston, being the ‘goody two shoes’, etc.).

Let It Out, Trippie Redd ft. Myiah Lynnae [p]

I need to know, before I tell you, can I trust you?

Idk man this song really just spoke to me.

Saw You in a Dream, The Japanese House [j]

I saw you in a dream / You had stayed the same / You were beckoning me / Said that I had changed / Tried to keep my eyes closed / I want you so bad / Then I awoke and it was so sad

Haven't talked to you in months / And I thought that I might cry / But I'm not that kind of girl

All good things come to an end / But I thought that this might last / But you came and left so fast

I wonder if you'll come visit me again / You're taking your time to reappear / I'm starting to believe that when I call your name / You just don't hear me anymore / And I know that I shouldn't even try / It's a waste of time

I don’t think I need to go super in depth as to why this reminded me of MC, but I do see this as MC’s defeated approach to it in the months/years after meeting the MPC.

Silent Nite, Tink [p]

I put your joy and your feelings ‘fore mine / These days I’m angry, angry inside / No words to say (oh) / One thing to do / Move on and fall back from you / It’s gonna be a silent night / No one here to hold me tight / It’s gonna be a silent night / No one here to hold me, oh, oh I’m lonely / Lost for words (lost for words)

It’s a short song so I just put the whole lyrics in here LMFAO but I feel like this could be MC during her first few nights at Langston. For Hieron at least, I know she went through a range of emotions processing this new chapter without the people she holds dear, angry at the way this is how things had to play out, but all that’s left for her to do is get over it, move on, and get used to not having that support anymore (i.e. like if MC is used to cuddling with [insert LI], they deadass gotta sleep alone now f in the chat).

Smile, Juice WRLD ft. The Weeknd [p]

I’d do anything in my power to see you just smile / I want you to prosper and come proper / Even if that means I ain’t by your side

I spent every day right beside you (‘side you), ‘side you (‘side you) / A hundred pics of me on your phone / Now you’re someone that I used to know

OKAY so I’m absolutely obsessed with this song and the first lyric was definitely giving me Logan x MC because I feel like this is something he could’ve said during his goodbye, like saying something that vulnerable and heartwrenchingly sweet is def on-brand for him, but the second lyric I feel like fits all the LIs. Like because they were part of the crew, they spent so much time with MC, and now that they’re gone, MC has all those pictures and memories that they want to hold on to them so badly even though they can never be together again (‘now you’re someone that I used to know’)

Stuck With Me, The Neighbourhood [j]

Now I'm feeling guilty for it / Didn't wanna leave / Realized I'm less important / Than I thought I'd be, yeah / I'm not tellin' you for any certain reasons but / I just want your empathy

Our lives keep on gettin' shorter / Losin' opportunity / There might be some other ways of looking at it but / That's just what I see / I been gettin' over myself / Thinkin' about what you need / Then I realised that neither of us matter

You always end up stickin' to me / Somehow, somehow / You are stuck with me / So I guess I'll be sticking with / You are stuck with me / So I guess I'll be sticking with

So I think this song covers a lot of topics for MC. I think the vibe of the lyrics suit MC when she’s dealing with her relationship with her father, being pressured by Jason Shaw, and grappling with whether or not she’s making the right decision despite it all – homegirl was falling in love throughout all of it, too. Reading the lyrics with that lens made me think of each of the lines as a different conversation. The first part sounds like a tidbit of a conversation she could’ve had with her dad or about her dad. The next one is like a realization that despite how careful she is with her choices, nothing matters anyways, if the MC takes a nihilistic approach to it. And the last lyric is her conclusion with the LI that despite everything, she’s happy that she’s with her LI and she’s grateful for their loyalty.

worst behavior, Ariana Grande [j]

I been on my worst behavior / But, baby, I don't need no savior / I'm way outta line / But I kind of like the way I / Feel when I just don't give a fuck

This ain't no game, won't play with you / This time I know I'll stay with you / Just promise you won't say nothin' / Don't you be actin' like that, don't you be actin' like that, babe

Said baby it's just in my nature / To be a little troublemaker

Know you really like the way I / Taste when we kiss, you reminisce / But this ain't the last time / Just stay by my side

This song reminds me of rebellious MC before the gravity of the situation really hits her – the short span of time where she’s not worrying about being Valedictorian or college or her dad’s approval. She’s just living and falling in love for the first time. This could probably work for all LI’s but the specific “troublemaker” line makes me think of an MC who is trying to reassure Logan that she can make her own decisions.

1Day, PnB Rock ft. Ugly God [j]

Momma told me that I wouldn't be shit / Told her one day / I'ma be rich (huh)

One day, I'ma buy a big ass crib / One day, I'ma buy a big ass mansion / One day, all my fucking diamonds gon' be dancing / One day, I'ma fuck a bitch in the Hamptons / One day, I'ma eat the sushi with the salmon

Dropped out of college, everybody said I'm tripping / Told them be patient, but they ass wouldn't listen / Made it big time, now they fucking with the vision / Now I'm really rich, and my diamonds really glistening

The lyrics kind of remind me of the lifestyle that they live – whether or not they fell for the MC in the process, they all kind of have the motive of money and being successful in their own way. Even though the li’s and MC have their own shortcomings and wants and needs outside of MPC, I like to think of this song as an ego booster and probably representative of their attitudes when they joined MPC at the beginning. Reminds me of Logan especially since he joined the life so early and probably romanticized it for the longest time before it really went to shit. And to add to that, the last lyric is Colt all the way.

92 Explorer, Post Malone [p]

Ooh, baby, I see these muhfuckas’ glancin’ / When my whip stop, then my wheels keep spinnin’

Made a lot of M’s, made a lot of moves

This song is literally all about Post Malone’s precious car so I was like LMFAO why not because everyone in ROD loves their cars and then the last lyric is because they be making a lot of money with their transactions/steals.

Best Friend, Saweetie ft. Doja Cat [p]

Beep beep, is that my bessie in a Tessie?

Listen... I feel like we were robbed of the peak best friend dynamic that could’ve existed between Riya and MC so this whole song is for them (also c’mon MC could’ve snatched a Tesla if she reeaaally wanted too so yup that’s Riya’s bessie in a Tessie).

Lost It, Rich The Kid ft. Quavo and Offset [p]

The Bentley don’t cost shit / I walk out the bank rich

Okay, drank sippin’, lane switchin’ / I done brought my gang with me

Ooh, I might snatch the coupe

First one because they really could get any car they wanted, second lyric because gang always together yk, and last one because they really be stealing cars out here LMFAO.

Royal Rumble, Lil Tecca [p]

My life is a movie, you not ready for that clip

It’s a Royal Rumble

ROD really is a wild ride (‘my life is a movie’) and the ‘it’s a Royal Rumble’ just reminded me of the fact that it’s basically a showdown between two crews where one wins in the end but at what cost.

Runnin’, 21 Savage and Metro Boomin [p]

Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, runnin’

We run the motherfuckin’ city

Fuck your crew, [redacted], we’ll kill your crew

First lyric is because literally everyone has to scatter by the end of the book, and the second lyric just gave me their vibes, whether or not they truly ran the city. The last lyric makes me laugh because Colt really was about to kill the other crew, the ‘we’ is a lilll bit loose in that sense though LMFAO because I know damn well Toby was not ready to go down like that.

Stuntin’ Like My Daddy, Birdman ft. Lil Wayne [j]

What we doing? Getting money / What they doing? Hating on us, but they never cross / Cash money still a company, and, bitch, I'm the boss / And I be stuntin' like my daddy, stuntin' like my daddy

Colt and Teppei don’t get along, but I like to think that Colt not only bumps this song in his car, but secretly imagines that him and Teppei run L.A. – either together or with Colt taking the reins.

Takin’ Shots, Post Malone [p]

Drinkin’ all night, but we ain’t done yet / Waitin’ on the plug, but he ain’t come yet

Already losin’ control, this is the life that we chose

The first lyric and this song overall just give me club vibes, like the underground one they went to where MC wears that neon fit. The part in the second line that always gets me is ‘this is the life that we chose’ because being a part of this crew was a choice for most, and they knew what comes with this lifestyle.

Trouble on Central, Buddy [j]

So the entire song is pretty much the idea “I wish life were better and I’m daydreaming about how good things could be for me”. And to be honest, I think that the vibes of that fit Logan when he was young and broke, but at the same time, I could see Colt bumping this song in a convertible.

VEGAS, ABRA [j]

The whole song reminds me of the gambling scene and the high stakes of it. It kind of reads like the MC trying to fit in with dangerous criminals while she’s there despite the MPC thinking she’s not ready for it

#playchoices #choices rod #rodaw #ride or die: a bad boy romance #choices ride or die #playlist

21 notes · View notes

blorbosexterminator · 3 years

Note

Sergio's not gonna die, he is needed for a possible re-opening of the show. Palermo is too obvious (and that matters to pina), Raquel was already fake-killed. OTOH, Denver: has a lot more protagonism this season, with flashback and all, he is a universally beloved character (always a good candidate to kill), Jaime Lorente has been seen in some town with pedro and alba filming (prob flashback but why with those 2?). 90% sure he's the dead (if anyone).

Honestly, the only thing that would truly surprise me at this point if they indeed don't kill anyone next volume. Would be a move™, I'll give them that. But yes, I do think that they'll go with Denver too, and it has been foreshadowed to be honest. Doesn't change how much I dislike and genuinely disagree with that choice though. I don't think the actor would be up for a spin-off honestly, but anyway Sergio only has the element of surprise and the parallel with his father (the show is too fond of parallels lmfao) not much else to make his death a good choice.

And as you said, Palermo is predictable. And I imagine, with how politically aware™ the show is this season, they might also try to avoid the 'bury your gays' trope.

The thing is, most of what you and I just listed are just meta-textual reasons. I'm not saying those reasons have no place at all when considering writing choices, of course not, but I do disapprove, generally speaking, of writers taking this too much into account when writing their finales.

Sergio would be shocking to a more extent than the others, but that doesn't make him any more a good choice. Denver would guarantee as much of an angry and frustrated reaction as Nairobi (Although I honestly don't dislike Nairobi's death as much as everyone else. I thought it was well-played to an extent) and would have a strong emotional response plus parallels with Moscu, but to me it would be very misplayed.

I wasn't really talking about what I expect from the show as much as what I personally believe is a good writing choice. I most expect Denver to die, but I think Palermo is the most fitting choice.

Like sure, those things are subjective, and they change from one fan to the other as well as from one writer to the other. But just because the death of a character is predictable doesn't mean it's not the most fitting choice for the situation. Not really, I think it means the audience sees something there.

Look, before anyone starts assuming I just *want* Martín to die to see some afterlife scene for my ship, or even a parallel. Yeah, sure, preferablly as a fan of them I'd love this, but I don't think they are in any way necessar. To me, they would just be peppering that would make the death scene nicer stylistically speaking. I don't even think the show canonized the after-life or something of the sort, again I just think they are a mere stylistic choice. I wouldn't be at all actually bothered if we got nothing of the sort.

I just wholly believe the best choice to go with for both textual and meta-textual reasons is Palermo. First, the meta-textual ones, despite the fact that I disapprove of how they got there, I have to admit that the show managed to get him to be more likable this season. General audiences that have previously hated the hell out of him like him enough now. But at the same time Martín is still not Sergio, Raquel, or Denver. His death would cause some sadness and emotional response in the audience but not literal rage and feeling of betrayel, like say for example how GOT fans felt. Also, Martín now has enough alive characters that care about him that would make his death sad. It's unlikely an audience would give a shit about a character's death if none of the surrounding characters do. But now there is Helsinki, who incidentally Martín is also much nicer and caring towards this season, so Helsi would have "good reasons" to react strongly to his death, Sergio supposedly also cares for Martín, and we can say Raquel respects him. So the characters around him wouldn't be indifferent, especially if his death has value in the narrative, say an actual sacrifice for the rest of them. The show itself is VERY fond of the sort of arc that goes along the line 'Selfish character who caused harm and pain to all around them reaches selfishness and then sacrifices their life for the sake of the others.' It happened with Berlin, it happened with Tokyo. And it seems is effective enough. So if I were the writer and wanted a death that is effective but won't anger audience too much, I'd 100% go with him.

And again, a point is Martín even has something that neither Tokyo nor Andrés did, he had a very direct hand in the killing of a very beloved team member. Sure, you can say Tokyo had a hand in what happened to Moscu, but Tokyo legitimately had very little choice because she couldn't find Sergio and she had no intention to do harm, she didn't know her entrance would literally cost the man's life. Martín knew very, very well what Gandia was capable of and this is exactly why he did what he did.

Martín is narratively still responsible for Nairobi's death and took no hand in even avenging her from Gandia. That was Bogota and then Tokyo. And the character seems to be weighted by that guilt to a large extent. And I think the absolute best way for the narrative to resolve this point is by Martín dying directly to save Helsinki, who the show also made a point of also incapacitating, and I'd imagine that would have repercussions on how efficient getting out of the bank would be on him. Characters rarely get injured just for the sake of it, Nairobi's terrible injury from Alicia made her much more susceptible to Gandia, who had a huge leverage on her as she was physically incapable of resisting anything. (I imagine Monica's situation would also have repercussions--hopefully just not on Denver lmfao)

So despite generally not being a fan at all of the pairing in any way or form, and how they generally make no sense to me, with how the show is going now it's definitely best for Martín to die partially for his plan and partially for Helsinki.

Like ideally, what I'd personally most love to see and what I'd personally write a 2573 different fic versions of, is for Martín to die for his plan and for Sergio. I personally believe outside of the plan, Martín's most important relationship in his arc is with Sergio. But the show already ignored their relationship enough this volume as a first and Sergio already got the strong death scenes with Berlin and Tokyo as a second, it could be seen as an excess. But with Helsinki it's meaningful on a different level. The character Nairobi cared about the most is Helsinki (and he's also nearly as well-liked by the audience), so this would balance what he did to Nairobi in a pretty significant way, not completely out-do it, but the two acts would definitely balance each other. To both the audience and to the characters, Martín would be truly "redeemed." Which despite how much I dislike, and genuinely don't agree with it, the show is already putting a lot of focus on his 'redemption'. I don't like redemption arcs generally speaking, I don't think Martín is fit for it, and I don't think it's happening in an organic way at all, and I frankly believe it made him boring, but alas, it is what is is, the show is already half-way there, it already took that route, so the only end for it is to finish it and go all the way. It would be very useless if he ended up surviving lmfao.

And of course the other reason is for Martín's personal arc. The plan is his life's work, the thing he showed most loyality and love to from the moment he showed up 2 seasons ago, the end of his arc is with the end of his plan. Never mind how A LOT of scenes would be useless if Martín doesn't actually die for the success of the plan; the whole reason Sergio opposed it so strongly is because, in his own words, it was completely suicidal. Sure, you can say that they already proved the plan is dangerous by the army going in and all of this "war", but there was no Rio, Raquel, Plan Paris or Plan Roman in the original plan, so there would have been no reason for things to go that bad in that respect, all that happened in volume one is by direct consquence of the plan changing, so that still leaves the question why was Berlin and Palermo's plan so wrong and so suicidal if we don't take into account this war? If there is no answer and if there is no answer that is actually anchored by a death in canon, then those were really all just empty scenes. And of course it's Martín, the mastermind and engineer, the artist who crafted this poem, that has to die for its completion and overall success. Since day one, his arc has been tied intimately to this plan, we barely even know anything about him beyond it. And like, three people died for the mint heist and it was a plan made to work perfectly without a single flaw, where does this put a heist that was just full of romanticism and complete focus on the gold with disregard to the people? All of the scenes we saw of Sergio rejecting the bank heist in the flashbacks on that basis have to mean something now.

Against all of this, what does Denver have? What will his death signify? Nothing, in my opinion. The man didn't even want to be there. Also I guarantee you, if he does die for Monica the way he said, every single fan will turn against her and the hate the character will receive will be insane. Like why end the story of those two characters this way? What is there beyond edginess and grimness for their own sake?

Martín's death, even if it causes sadness, will be satisfying for his character. Besides, Martín as a character is too much like Tokyo, I don't imagine he himself would be very satisfied growing old and dying under the radar somewhere; going with a blaze now, sealing off his life's work and having his death mean something too is a much, much more satisfying ending for him.

Tldr; Palermo in a very balanced position to kill, especially that he is currently the actual leader, a position the show has given him with more space and better, much nicer spotlight now than in the third season. And I imagine with volume two focused more on extracting the gold, his role will get only bigger in that respect. He's still responsible for Nairobi's death. And he should 100% die for the Gold and the completion of his plan.

#asks #lcdp #Martín Berrote #Sergio Marquina #lcdp Denver #Monver

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goldencatchflies · 4 years

Text

All Our Own

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau/Emily Prentiss

Warnings: GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM & SUICIDE!

Word Count: 762

Summary: What if JJ didn’t know the truth behind Emily’s death? What if she was kept in the dark just like the rest of them?!

A/N: No beta, we die like illiterates. Written for my 300 sleepover. Based off the song All Our Own by Radio Company (I suggest listening to it while reading, but its not gonna make the fic any worse if you don’t). Please keep in mind this is very graphic, and read at your own risk! Ps. I am in no way trying to romanticize it, and if it seems that way, I truly apologize!

Masterlist // Taglist: @abitcriminalminds @blakes-dictionxry @pretty-b0yy @hotchnerslut

She’s not used to this. None of them are. Who would have thought 4 years would be enough? Who had the idea that 4 years was enough for them? Because it wasn’t. If there is some sort of God out there, he’s not doing his best. He’s creating this pain- this black whole- at the center of her chest, painful enough to-

“JJ?” She was pulled out of her thoughts by her boyfriend. “What are you doing?!” The confused man asked, entering their kitchen, where she sat in the dark.

“Nothing- just thinking. Go back to bed, Will, I’ll be there in a little bit.” She reassured. Today had been a tough day, and she didn’t have the courage to talk about it. So obviously, Will didn’t know. But that’s not the only thing he was kept in the dark from.

You see, JJ didn’t only lose a friend tonight—she lost the love of her life. It started around a year ago, when Emily kissed her. At first she was shocked- they both were- but in the heat of the moment, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. That’s when it started.

And from then on it spiraled into what you’d call an affair. They always shared rooms on cases, and tried their best to look professional in front of everyone else, but what happened behind closed doors? That was their business, and theirs alone.

Now it’s been over a year, and she isn’t here anymore. She isn’t here to love JJ anymore- to comfort her through any pain, to hold her while she cries. She’s gone, and she’s the reason JJ is even crying in the first place. She was alone- maybe not physically, but she felt completely alone.

She got up from the table, making her way to the counter. Her vision was all blurry from the tears, but she was thinking clearly. She opened the tools drawer, and grabbed a blade that was mixed between nails and screws that were aimlessly thrown in there, only to be forgotten. She stared at the sharp piece of medal between her fingers for a while, memories of the brunette filling her brain.

She remembers this one time when they were in a motel during a case. It wasn’t that much of a heavy one, and they had no leads, so Hotch called it a night, saying they’d pick it back up tomorrow. Emily and JJ went back to their room, automatically settling in on the couch, and flipping the tv on. They found this channel playing some comedy show, and the girls giggled all throughout it, scotching in closer every five seconds until they were cuddling. That was one of their happiest memories.

Now she’s gone and JJ has no idea what to do. The blade calls out to her, but her head seems to be a million miles away. With Emily, she thinks.

“I’ll be with her...” she whispers as she lowers the blade onto her skin, a painful smile forming on her face as tears stroll down her cheeks. She runs it through her wrist-close to her palm-horizontally. It’s painful, but she’ll do anything to see her lover again.

She does it again, this time the blood starts covering her wrists-the thought of Emily’s dead body filling her mind. No longer happy memories. JJ turns her hand slightly, pressing the place back down- this time vertically. It stings a little too much- is it really worth it? She doubts herself, thinking about little Henry. What will he do without his momma?

Panic starts rising in her chest at the realization of what she’s doing. But it’s too late. She starts to feel weak, dropping to her knees, but never letting go of the blade. The thoughts of Emily Prentiss’ smile filling her brain once more-clouding her biased judgment, and she no longer thinks of anyone but the other woman. How her lips felt when they pressed into JJ’s. How her embrace felt after a long, tiring day. And how she just wanted-needed-to see her again.

There was only one way to do that now-a path she started walking-one with no return. She switched the blade to the other hand, and winced at the movement. With all the strength she had she made another vertical cut, this time on her other wrist. With a hazy mind, she let herself fall asleep- daydreaming about the other woman- growing numb to abusive pain.

She laid there- body decaying- only to be found hours and hours later. And Jennifer Jareau was no more.

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mytwistedhome · 4 years

Text

Diasomnia members when they find out you have Anorexia

Trigger warning to anyone who suffers with an eating disorder!!

It’s one of those nights again... Writing these headcanons to give myself some solace.

I hope this can maybe bring comfort to someone else, or at least provide some bit of entertainment. My intention is not to cause harm or trigger anyone. That is the last thing I want.

This time, these headcanons are for Diasomnia members. I’ve already posted ones for Pomefiore and Ignihyde (of which you can see on my blog, if you desire), and the other dorms will likely be posted the next time I need some self cheer-up.

I swear I’ll have some proper writings up tomorrow, and even more by the end of the week. And, I intend to keep my promises this time. Sorry, I’m really not much of an angel if I’m being honest. I sincerely apologize to the friends and the requesters of whom I’ve neglected. You don’t deserve to wait and wait just to see me break a promise and go back on my word. That’s entirely my fault, and with my whole heart, I am sorry.

💚

Malleus Draconia

So this is how humans hate themselves? How horrifically graceful...

Not gonna lie, he romanticizes the idea quite a bit at first

He watches with a morbid curiosity as you quickly grow thinner and thinner day after day, and how you stumble around weakly in a constant dizzy state

He finds it fascinating how a weak human can withstand such torture brought onto them by themselves

It really is odd, isn’t it?

You, a human, already bound to die after several years of life, are hurting yourself even further

You are so delicate... He's really enthralled. It's so strange how you hurt yourself in a sickly yet gracious way, and he cannot help but watch from afar

But, he knows that he cannot simply watch you forever as you kill yourself

He sees how much you are hurting and suffering, and he grows incredibly sad for you

You don't deserve to go through such pain. What ever made you decide to do this?

He can't possibly imagine what it must be like, and he becomes mournful over you

And he's now determined to bring you help, some way, somehow...

He tries to confront you about it. On those nights when the two if you run into each other outside the Ramshackle dorm, he'll make vague, elusive references to your starving yourself

The way he goes about it is oddly beautiful. He says things like "it's been several days since we've talked like this. You've grown thinner from before," and "it's often lonely and empty, the day's without you, much like how your stomach goes empty," or "you always seemed mesmerized by my abilities, particularly when I vanish from your eyes, but isn't it the same when you float through life in a dazed state of mind? From that dizziness brought on by hunger?"

And you're left with your mouth wide open, absolutely stunned. He knows. Somehow, he knows

But you still play dumb, wondering what in earth he means, knowing all too well what it is he means...

Malleus sighs sadly. The look on his face is incredibly hopeless and pitiful (and for a moment, you feel guilty for having brought him to such an emotion) before he crossed his arms and his look turns dour. He's done dancing around this topic

He's very straightforward now, telling you sternly that you need to stop this. Stop hurting yourself, stop killing yourself

He tries not to let his own feelings show, but his jaw softens and his lower lip trembles every now and then

You become overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, and self-hatred. Those are the exact emotions that Malleus was trying not to stir, but you just can't help it as he scolds you so seriously. Just how long had he known? How long had he been watching and worrying over you?

When he's done speaking, you let out a wretched gasp as you clutch your chest, your heart palpitating from the overflow of emotions, and the hunger, and the sudden movement

Malleus reaches out to you, his hands clutching your arms and steadying you on your feet as your knees buckle

He stares at you wide-eyed in shock, unable to say another word. He knows that you are weak and your health is poor, but what caused you to react in such a way just now?

Your stomach feels as if it's caving inwards, and a coldness spreads throughtout your body

Tears begin to well up in your eyes. You know that Malleus is worried for you, and you didn't mean to make him worry, but you really just wish he didn't know... That this could still just be your secret and you would get help on your own when you're ready

Oh, god... this didn't help. Somehow, this whole confrontation triggered you. Now you just want to starve yourself even more, continuing this way forever

But Malleus won't let that happen, even if it hurts you (as in, emotionally) to stop. Continuing this way would break his heart

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia’s been around. He knows how serious eating disorders can get. I’m sure he’s seen other who have suffered or even died from it.

Actually, he was the one who suspected that you had anorexia

He noticed how you would pick apart your food before eating, how you chew so slowly, and how you are always eager to leave the meal table

Not to mention how you almost cower away in fear when certain foods are offered to you

Also not to mention how you gaze longingly at other people's plates

To him, it's obvious because he can pick up on all the subtle signs.

Confronting you is a bit tricky... He really doesn't know how to approach you about it in a way that will make you open up

When he's around you, he'll begin to ask you questions in concern

He'll often ask you if you're okay, if you're feeling alright, etc. You always lie

He knows you're lying, but he won't mention it. He'll just continue to ask if you're doing okay with sincerity every time he's around you

Eventually, you begin to realize that he is someone who might very genuinely care about you, and you are very touched by his concern. No one has ever been so worried about you before

One day, when the two of you are alone, you say something like "I'm actually not okay..."

And then you vent to him for a very long time

You even start to cry

He keeps silent through your venting, but he listens intently to every word you have to say

When you're done, he gives you a sad smile and tries his best to console you

He lets you know that you can reach out to him anytime you need

Overtime, he convinces you to seek help and receive actual treatment and recovery

Probably the most successful of all the guys in putting you on the road to recovery!

Silver

He is very taken aback

Truly, he doesn't know what to say or what to do

He immediately feels so, so bad for you... His heart mourns for all the suffering you must have been going through

He tries to be sympathetic... He really does

But at the same time, he's a bit worried about getting involved. How are you going to react to his knowing? Will you really take kindly to his concern? Or, will you push him away, as is so common a symptom of this disease?

He subtly watches you as you eat your meals. He's quite good at watching without making it seem so, and he uses this skill to keep an eye on you in concern

He sees how you cut your food into tiny pieces, how you push it around in your dish, hardly ever bringing the fork to your lips...

And his heart breaks. How pitiful it is to see you like this

He wishes he could just reach his arms out and somehow save you, help you... But that wouldn't work, would it? This is a very real problem; he can't just save you in a fanciful way, no matter how badly he wishes

He gathers the courage to approach you about it, just to let you know that he's aware of your struggle and that he's willing to listen if ever you need to talk to someone

He sits down beside you after classes one day as you're doing a bit of studying/reading. You what's you to feel as comfortable as possible, not like he's pushing you to open up if you aren't ready

You smile when you see him come close, happy to have his company

Well, this seems like it's off to a good start!

The two of you exchange a few words of warm conversation, but then a silence falls, and you see Silver's face darken, turning into a sad expression

And, after a bit of hesitation, he tells you that he knows... He knows how you starve yourself, and how you suffer, but assures you that all he wants is to help and be there for you

You are quite stunned, only staring at him blankly, unsure of what to say

It certainly cought you off guard, having him say it just like that...

After a moment, you thank him for his offer and for his concern, and you really do appreciate it

But... You are still very alarmed

You excuse yourself and head back to your firm, trying to take this all in

How long had he known...? You knew he was trustworthy and kind, but you weren't sure if you weren't sure if you wanted to let him in to such a private and major part of your life

From then on, you begin avoiding him, not wanting to let him in. It hurts him to see you hide away from him, but he expected this to happen

But then, one day, you are having it particularly rough, and you feel so miserable... You call Silver, just to hear his voice. Just to have some company. Just to feel like you aren't alone.

And he does everything he can to comfort you, listening intently to all you have to say

He doesn't push you to eat, or urge you to get help, he is just... there. And that is all you could ever ask for

He continues to be the friend of whom you seek out for comfort, and Silver is happy to be there for you whenever you need

Sebek Zigvolt

He finds out after he catches you in his arms upon your fainting

He's used to Silver falling asleep at random, but the way that you wobbled across the room, shuffling your feet and swaying as you tried to walk in a straight line, then spinning as your eyes rolled back, trying to find your balance as you babbled out incoherent sounds before sinking to the ground...

He's certainly not used to that. It terrified him to see you in such a state, and that fear turned into overwhelming worry for your well-being

He had rushed to your side before your head clashed with the hard ground. He wrapped his arms tightly around your shoulders as your head tilted back onto his chest

He gazes at you with absolute panic, his mouth agape and eyes wide with fear

He tries to shake you awake, but your head just bobs and your arms fall limply at your side, your legs having already given out entirely

In panic, he shouts for help while also loudly urging you to get up, wake up, and stand on your own two feet

Luckily, his voice was heard by a couple others (probably just Lilia or another elder student) who come rushing into the room

They see you passed out with your sickly pale and gaunt face, and they advise Sebek to immediately take you to the school's infirmary, to which he promptly obeys and carries you there

He leaves you in the care of the nurses, and the whole time that the two of you are parted, his mind is reeling with worry

He can't bring himself to relax at all. He's all strained and stressed over you! He's unimaginably worried. He really wants you to be alright...

When you finally return to your consciousness, Sebek is one of the first to know, and he immediately rushes to wherever you are, regardless if you're still feeling dreary

He, very loudly, bombards you with questions as he tries to make sure that you are alright

He's still in a bit of a panic... Are you sure that you're okay?

You assure him that you're feeling fine now as you chew and swallow your 180 calorie granola bar

Sebek is relieved, but now he's demanding answers. How did you pass out in such a scary way? What happened then? What's going on with you?

Your head starts to spin once again at his pressing questions. You can't just tell him that you don't eat

Like with Epel, you try to make excuses. First, you try telling him that you were just overheated

Sebek doesn't buy that; he explains to you that you felt cold to the touch and had goosebumps all over your body when he caught you in his arms

You then try to say that you are anemic

That could be true, but now Sebek knows you are lying, and he presses you even further

Tears start to well up in your eyes. You don't want to come forward with this secret!

But he keeps pushing you with his loud voice... You can tell that he cares, and you feel bad for making him worry so much

Maybe you can trust him...

On the condition of him keeping his voice down, you tell him. You tell him that you fainted because you purposefully don't eat enough

He doesn't take it too well... He actually grows angry

How could you do such a thing to yourself???

You beg him to please, please calm down. You try to explain to him that this is something you can't really help...

After you briefly try to explain, his brows furrow together, as if in a glare, but his eyes are so full of sorrow

His chest tightens in pain and pity... Pity and sorrow for you. That's what he feels. And helpless, as well, to your suffering

He pushes you to get help, urging you every single day

He wants to help more. He wants you to just be okay. Why can't you just wake up and not have this problem anymore? Why do you have to be this way?

But he feels like there's nothing else he can do...

#twisted wonderland #tw anorexia #tw eating disorder #anorexia tw #anorexia mention #twisted wonderland headcanons #twst headcanons #my headcanons #headcanons #diasomnia #malleus draconia #twst lilia #lilia vanrouge #twst silver #sebek zigvolt #twst sebek #tw eating mention #tw eating stuff #tw eating things

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tipsydipsydo · 4 years

Text

Improvisation 💻 [M]

Pairing: Sub! Jin x soft Top! Reader

Gender of the Reader: male

Word Count: 5.7k

Warnings: very in detail descripted/graphic sexual content(!); filthy language; swearing; soft Sub-/Dom-Themes (➙ shy but needy and also teasy Jinnie; the Reader is sometimes not the most assertive Dom, Jin's charm kills him 24/7); Cam/Videocall-Sex; Mastubation; Anal Play; Sextoys; Dirty Talk; Praising; light Edging; Mentions of Nudes and Sexting; Mentions of Unprotected Sex (pls stay safe!)

Summary: This wasn't planned. Well, the whole world didn't planned to deal with a damn pandemic in 2020! If everything would have gone "normally", you would be in Seoul with Jin right in this moment and just enjoy that you're finally able to be close to Jin again. But now you two are stucked at home, Jin in his dorm in Seoul and you in your apartement in your town, far away from him. So you have to improvise for now on, how you want to deal with longing emotions and urging sexual desires...

[Links]

My Masterlist for your requests!

My official Masterlist!

『Disclaimer: This fanfiction should not trivialize or romanticize the actual situation! This pandemic itself is worse enough. The reasons why I wrote a fanfic about this very difficult and sensitive topic can be found in my Authors Note down below.』

Author's Note:

(Be prepared, it's gonna be a long authors note but it's important! So please read it.)

I hope you all (and your friends and family!) are okay and that you didn't get infected with the corona-virus... or at least getting through your infection in the best way possible!

Like the majoritiy of the world population, I got house detention from our government as well (Okay, I'm already two weeks at home because of school closing).

I know, some other writers already used this special situation to write some stuff for us, so we're not going completely crazy by our boredom.

And yes, I wrote something about this too, this here is my own version of all these coronavirus-quarantaine-caused writings out there ^^°.

I hope, y'all not already sick of it... I know, the "Corona-Topic" is literally everywhere and at some point, you just can't listen to anything, that is related to that theme anymore! (Even when it's really important!)

But like all writers here, I just try to "make the best out of this horrible pandemic" and help you, to get through your quarantaine in the best way.

And when you (or someone of your friends, your family or your relatives) are not in quarantaine and you/they have to go to work, because they're a doctor, a nurse, a pharmacist, a scientist, a police officer, part of the military, an employee of a supermarket/drugstore, a factory worker, a truck driver, a farmer etc, you deserve my biggest respect, really! (And to be honest from the whole world population!)

They try to fight the virus itself or their Job count to the sensitive infrastructure of your country, that's why they all try their best to keep the health care system/the minimum of infrastructure in their country going! All these peoples are amazing and they should know that!

I know, especially in this crisis just a little "thank you" can't help them. All of them need to get paid a lot better for their job and they need suitable protective clothing, masks, sanitizer and so much more. In particular these peoples that have to work directly with infected patients like doctors, paramedics or nurses.

They need these utensils to take care of infected patients properly (especially in risk groups!) and to protect themselfs as well! That's why I appeal to you, to donate medical face-masks or sanitizer that you or your family bought in an inordinate amount in of panic buying to your local hospital.

There is nothing wrong with having one or two face masks or a bottle sanitizer at home. But you don't need 10 bottles sanitizer or 50 face masks, when you simply stay at home!

Trust me, they'll need it so much more than you. We can't fight the virus when the medical staff themself get infected. All these peoples out there risk their own health, maybe even life for us! In some countries or regions they're already completely overworked and near to a (systematic and mental) break down.

When we could help them with literally doing nothing and staying at home, then please, please, please do it!

I'm not a doctor or a nurse, but I think when everybody follow their government's rules (or in general, the instructions of the WHO) and help the health care system of their country with simply staying at home, we're able to get through this pandemic somehow.

「So in short: This following story should only be a gentle reminder to stay at your fucking home and to follow your government's rules to prevent that the virus spread even more! Okay? Thank you.」

So, now you're allowed to read. Enjoy~💚

「© tipsydipsydo」

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I’ll not accept any kind of reposting, stealing or using/editing my work!

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You sigh and play around restlessly with the cable of the charger of your laptop, which is plugged into it and is just in front of you on the bed tray. Even when Jin and you text each other almost every free minute, you get nervous every time he takes a little longer to answer your video call.

The past few weeks have made you an emotional wreck, especially when suddenly the infections in South Korea are skyrocketed. You contacted Jin immediately and asked him, if he, the members, his family and friends were doing well.

And overall, how the situation in Korea is and with which Strategy his government is now going to deal with it.

In the following weeks the virus continued to spread. Every day new states reported their first cases, infections increased in many countries, more and more nations prescribed school closings and national quarantine for almost all citizens. With each new day, the international infrastructure and thus also the economy gradually came to a standstill. Sometimes it feels like the earth has stopped spinning around the sun.

The whole further development of the epidemic, now pandemic, is still absolutely uncertain. Too little is the knowledge about this new virus and his behaviors. No one knows when an effective vaccine will exist.

So there is nothing else you can do but hope for the best and follow the rules of your own government and the instructions of the WHO. That means self-isolation and quarantine at home indefinitely.

That was nothing you had planned... actually you wanted to be in Seoul since three days and at that very moment you would lying tightly wrapped up with Jin in his bed.

Your visit in Seoul had been planned for months, everything was already perfectly organized and arranged, Jin even got a few days off! And now? Now you both are sitting far away from each other in your bedroom and only have the opportunity to do video calls with each other. Again.

Although your vacation were already planned and your Boss agreed, it hasn't been so clear in the past few weeks anymore if you can still take your vacation days due to this current situation.

The economic situation has become increasingly difficult, especially for the international trading company you work for. In the End, the government destroyed your plans anyway by stopping air travel and the legal prohibition of entry and exit of the country.

Of course, you were incredibly angry and frustrated at first, but in retrospect you realized that it was a good decision to do that. At least to slow down the spreading.

If you had flown to Seoul, you might have been infected. Perhaps the virus can only cause you little or even no problems, but you could've negligently infected risk groups.

And, to be honest, if you would have flown to Seoul, that would be just because of pure selfishness. And you don't want to be responsible for for spreading the virus even more.

That was in general the reason, why you decided to basically stay at home for now on. You only go out for grocery shopping once a week. At least, you try your best not to get infected and therefore not to infect anyone else. And at the same time not to die of boredom.

Although Jin currently has more time than usual, he still has to work and to practice with the other members. When they have finished their daily routine, Namjoon and Yoongi mostly continue their "quarantine" in their studios and Hoseok and Jimin stay in the dance studio a little longer. Here and there Tae and Kookie keep them company and practice their choreography a little bit more with them, before they come back to the dorm and play video games or do other things.

As usual, Jin takes over the cooking and takes the opportunity to talk to you on the phone as much as possible or to facetime with you. Of course, it's nice that you can still spend so much time together with the help of the modern technology. But it cannot replace a real visit.

They've not met each other for a too long time, for too long it has not been possible for you two to kiss, cuddle or exchange carresses with one another... For too long, you both had no sex. And that with two people who have, let's say, a very healthy sex drive. It's awful.

You had tried a few times to get sexually active with Jin in front of the screen. But it seems like it's not his thing at all. Talking a bit here and there via text message about your dirty fantasies is okay for him. And when your Jinnie is really horny, you can also encourage him with some messages to send you a dick pics or a few voice mails where he's masturbating and moan your name in such a sinful way. When you have brought him to this point, you praise him a lot and assure him, how sexy he is ans how hot it is that he sends you such pictures.

Pictures yes, videos no.

When you ask him then, if he would be comfortable with making phone calls or even video chats of this kind of "talk", Jin will backtrack.

He can't really explain it, but he doesn't feel comfortable with presenting himself completely naked in front of the camera and even doing filthy things at the same time.

But you understand what he's trying to tell you. Jin loves it intense and passionately, with an extensive foreplay and good aftercare, but "really freaky stuff" is not his world. Doing sexual things with his partner is very personal to Jin, and he's also an idol, it would be a catastrophe when a video or picture of this kind would get public.

Therefore you fully accept his limits! After all, there is nothing to complain about, sex with Jin is always wonderful and absolutely satisfying!

Only when you are separated from each other again, you hardly know how to deal with your sexual desire. Well, would you have thought that Jin has completely the same problems and your sweetheart is just a little shy, to make naugthy things in front of the camera?...

You gasp in relief when Jin finally accepts the call and greets you with an apology, that it tooks so long. The environment tells you that he is in his room. You assume that he's sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall, the laptop on his lap.

You smile at him affectionately, reassure him that he doesn't have to apologize just because his boyfriend unwillingly becomes a bit overprotective and worries too much. You know that all this is not good, but you just can't switch off worrying about your darling.

Jin smiles a little shyly at you, his cheeks are slightly reddened. You want to ask if he's really okay, but you bite yourself on the tongue quickly. The virus had been the subject of your conversation far too often. Jin can take care of himself, if there is any suspicion that he may have been infected, he will tell you. At least, Jin and BigHit Entertainment will know how to handle it.

"No, no Y/N. Don't worry, I'm just like you... You should hear how the boys talking about me. They say, that I'm overthinking way too much... But you are fine, right? And how are your Parents in your hometown, are there already the first infections?", Jin asks and looks at you with an insistent look, eyebrows knitted in concern.

This here became to a ritual, for now on you talk always the first five minutes about the current situation. No matter whether using text messages, voices mails, phone calls or videocalls. Every day you ask each other whether the infections in your both country has improved or deteriorated, how each other's friends and family are doing, and what measures South Korea and now your country are taking.

After that, your conversation mostly wanders to other topics. It's good to come up with other thoughts as well, so nobody is going completely crazy. As many politicians, doctors and virologists already said, we have no choice but to keep calm and not to panic before we start acting thoughtlessly.

You're just about to start complaining a little bit about all the work you have to do in your home-office when Jin anticipates you.

"Y-Y/N?"

You look back at the screen and see how the initial slight blush on Jin's face has intensified and spread to his ears. In addition, you've noticed a few minutes before that Jin has become a bit restless and keeps moving back and forth. As if his sitting position is uncomfortable.

"Yes? Darling, is something wrong? You seems to be so restless and that something is uncomfortable for you ...", you answer him and look at him questioningly with a concerned frown between your eyebrows. The blush on his cheeks increases a shade darker and now it has completely taken over his ears. God, if you're honest, it's so cute when he's shy and his ears turns red.

"Would you like to know why it took me so long to answer your call... there is... there is a reason for that," Jin says quietly.

In precaution, he looks at his room door again to make sure that it's really locked. Even when everyone else is not in the dorm right now, you'll never know who would opens the door of his room without expecting anything... indecent.

He takes a deep breath before he puts the laptop down on his bed, positions the screen with the camera at the right angle. You can see how Jin's prominent adam's apple starts bobbing nervously. This sight makes you involuntarily biting your lower lip and a warm shiver trickles down your back.

Fuck, Jin's throat has always been one of your soft spots. This sight is tempting ypu to spread countless hickeys on his soft skin, want to mark him as your boyfriend. Because he's an idol, you always have to hold back with your little kink, because a dark love mark can't even cover up the best make-up really well.

But sometimes you just can't hold back or you just forgot that you should do it. Like when Jin's moaning and whimpering is so damn sexy, it makes you addicted to wanting to hear it again and again. Besides that, responds so wonderfully to your touch...

You going to be ripped out of your lewd thoughts when Jin turns with his back to you and his precious butt is now on the same level with your eyes. A completely confused expression manifests on your face. What the-

"I-I have a little surprise for you... I hope you like it...", says Jin in a trembling voice and hooks his two thumbs into the waistband of his sweatpants.

Your next breath gets stuck in your throat as your boyfriend pulls his sweats and boxer briefs at the same time down.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Your lips open, you want to say something, but no sound comes out of your mouth. You're absolutely speechless. Your sweet, innocent Jin...

Between his perfectly round buttcheeks is a metal buttplug, gemmed with a beautiful turquoise-blue jewel. You had never used toys in your sex life before. Jin is more of a fan of getting fingered extensively from you until he's prepared and relaxed enough to take you slowly all way in.

And now, this beautiful buttplug is enclosed in the most erotic and sinful way by your sweet, rosy musclering.

Fuck, if you only could be with Jin right now, to be able to admire this plug with a closer look, to pull it out of Jin and tease his hole a little bit with the tip of the plug.

You're so fascinated and immersed in admiration that you don't notice how Jin is getting nervous and insecure. You still haven't said anything, even though a minute has passed.

"Y-Y/N?", Jin asks in an unsettled voice. He's already about to turn around and pull his pants up again, when life comes back into your body and you answer him hastily.

"No, no, no! Please stay in this position! Fuck, baby... I don't know what to say... You are so damn sexy!", you're stuttering, you just can't take your eyes from his plug.

"But please explain to me... why... why are you doing things like that? And where did you get the plug? I-I mean, fuck, that's so damn sexy, I'm the happiest man in the world and I wish, I'd with you right in this moment and could tease you a little bit with this cute little plug... but why? I thought such things in front of the camera makes you uncomfortable? Please don't do such things only for me! Just because I'm so fucking horny today again! Please don't do it because you-", but then Jin interrupts your babbling.

When you got out of the shower this morning and looked at yourself in the mirror, you couldn't help it but send Jin a picture of you shirtless, hoping to get him involved in a bit of spicy and horny texting. You've the feeling that this quarantine and the canceled visit makes you horny 24/7. You don't want to admit it, but fuck. You need Jin so much.

"I wanted to try this for a long time... for months it kept coming back to my mind. I was frustrated by myself when you tried to encourage me to do something sexual in videos or directly live in front of you but always pull back again. Because... because... I don't know it clearly. I wanted to do something with you, I-I had countless fantasies about it in my mind... I wanted to be sexy for you, to make you moan and curse with my s-sight... b-but I think, I was just too shy every time. I felt so awkward and ridiculous doing things like that in front of the laptop. Such things that the two of us usually only do together on our own. I was embarrassed by myself... ", Jin mumbled and is glad, that at this moment you only see his butt and not his crimson red face.

Your eyes grew round like bowling balls, filled with disbelief.

"W-What? So that means... you wanted to do these things all day, but you were just too shy? Because you thought you would be awkward and weird?"

"Y-Yes. I want to do... naugthy stuff with you while videocalling... Fuck, Y/N, I miss you so much! I miss your kisses, your hugs, your soft carresses, your tender kisses on my body. Our foreplay, when you gently prepare me and finger me open for you... I-I miss our sex so much and just mastubation with my hand isn't satisfying anymore! I want you... I need you so bad... ", says Jin. Starts whimpering at the last of his sentences.

With these words, a deep growl comes from your throat and some curses leaves your lips, your pants has become so damn tight at the center.

"Fuck, baby, I know. I know how you feel, I feel the same way! I want you so bad, I was looking forward to seeing you again. Fuck, this damn pandemic."

You push the bed tray with the laptop a little away, impatiently you unbuckle your belt and opens your pants. Your cock needs a little more freedom in this moment.

When Jin hears your words and the rustling of fabric, realize how worked up you already are, he immediately feels a little bit more confident. He moves a little closer to the laptop and offers you an even better view. He bites his lower lip in anticipation of what finally seems to follow after such a long time.

"Jin... would you be okay with it to pull your butt cheeks apart so that I can see the plug... a little bit better?", you ask in a husky growl, teasing your hard erection through the thin fabric of your boxers.

By this question, a soft whimpering comes over Jin's lips, with trembling hands he reachs back and placing each one on a butt cheek, pulling them slowly apart to give you the sight you desire for.

"Fuck, Jin Baby, that's so sexy. You're so, so damn sexy! Do you even know how all of this here is turning me on? God, you're killing me!", you groan and rubbing instantly harder over you clothed, rock hard dick.

A little smirk appeared on Jin's lips. When he's already killing you right know, how should you survive these other things that Jin planned for tonight...

"Honey, would you like it when I pull that plug out of me and gonna finger myself... w-while you can watch me?", Jin asks you sweetly with a slightly shaking voice. The thought alone let Jin's own erection twitch.

Oh fuck, Jin is going to be your death someday.

"Please, Baby... I would be so thankful when you allow me such a view. Letting me watch how you please yourself...", you answer in a breathy, hoarse voice and let your head fall back against the wall.

Closing your eyes for a moment, try to prepare yourself mentally for what coming next. This Show, Jin will give you, will be surely unbelievable sexy... but also an absolute torture for you.

You're usual the one with a leading hand in your relationship when it comes to bedroom stuff. But you have to admit, that you're not the most assertiv Top... and Jin knows way too well, where to find and to press your soft spots.

Sometimes it comes to the point that Jinnie is wrecking you more than you him! You think, that your Darling kinda loves the thought to make your knees weak instead of his. And to be honest... you loves it so fucking much, when your big shy bean find his self confidence again and tease the shit out of you, just saying, that he just wants to please you.

As you hear a soft whimper coming out of the speakers of you Laptop, you startle and your eyes snaps open immediatly. A little groan get out of you throat, that rises up from the deepest place of your chest. God, it shouldn't be allowed to be so fucking attractive, you think.

Jin pulled a latex glove of his right hand and is about to reach back to his most precious places, to grab the gemmed base of his plug. His left hand pull his buttcheek a little bit away to give you an amazing view of his action.

Your Boxer briefs has literally a tent at your crotch now and your cock twitch at the sight, is angrily fighting to be finally completely free. God, you're such a bastard for very detailed graphics... like the view Jinnie is giving you now.

You yank your Jeans and your Boxers with a curse down. Gripping your hard length and squeezes it with a firm grip, when you see Jin's rosy, seductively glistening muscle ring stretching open as your Boyfriend pulls the plug slowly out of himself.

He's panting fast when he let the plug fall on a towel beside him and his left hand leaves his butt. His upper body flops down onto the mattress and now, your Jinnie presents himself in the most erotic way you could imagine.

Ass up, sticking his butt out into the air and let you admire his sweet hole, slightly stretched my the plug, clenching around nothing in anticipation for the promised play session that will follow now.

Jin lets his lower body sink down as well, laying on his stomach and turning onto his right side. Allow you a little glance of Jin's adorably pink flushed cheeks and the red tips of his ears. This sight makes your heart and stomach flutter, blushy Jin while doing naughty stuff is just... hitting all of your soft spots in one tour.

He pulls his upper leg, his left leg up to his chest and positions himself comfortably, while he's pouring a good amount of lube onto his latex gloved fingers. Then he's reaching back again.

The pad of Jin's middle finger teases gently his entrance, his body is still moving until he founds a really comfortable position. After the tip of his finger disappeared in himself, the whole length of his finger sinks into his sweet hole as well. Let you watch, how he'll finger himself, enjoying himself, feeding his own desire, give him this desperately needed pleasure when you can't unfortunately. And fuck... that's so hot!

After he needs a short moment to adjust, he starts pumping his middle finger in and out. At first slowly, then faster and faster. Jin is getting even needier when the pleasure of his finger-play arise more and more. It didn't took long until he allows his ring finger to glide into his hot walls as well.

After a few thrusts of his hand, he begins to spread his two fingers apart, scissoring and stretching his sinful tight asshole open, let you watch the movements of his fingers very well.

You're gulping and breathing audibly out of your nose, a longing, slightly even desperate hum leaves your throat. You want to be at Jin's side, want to watch him in real.

You want to see, how he's stretching himself open for your cock, moaning and whimpering you name. You want to touch him. You want to grip his thigh and his left ass cheek firmly, give it a gentle slap and pull the soft flesh up to get a closer look.

Admiring how wonderful his fingers fucking himself, how rapidly he's slamming them into his hole, his noises getting even more whiny and desperate. His hips starts to circle, loud breathy and high pitched moans leaving his lips when his fingertips reaching for a second this sweet spot deep inside of him.

But just for a tiny moment, there is not enough stimulation for your needy Boy. Especially when he knows how good he could feel, when he remember the times when you teased his prostate.

Your thumb grazing again and again over your angry red, precum leaking crown, teasing yourself. The urge is enormous to just jack off in a brutal fast pace to finally satisfy the barely standable desire, that grows in your abdomen.

Your eyes don't leave the screen when you reach to your beside table and pull the first drawer open, searching uncoordinated with your hand in there. You curse under breath when you finally perceive the things you searched for, but can't grab them.

If you want or not, your eyes have to leave the erotic sight of Jin's figure for a moment, when you want to get your needed things out of the drawer.

You bend quickly over to the side, fishing the lube and your fleshlight out of your nightstand. You use this helpful toy when there is not enough friction to get you off or... when you're freaking horny... when you just want to fuck Jin right in that moment.

With it, you can better imagine how you'd be pounding into Jin, laying his legs over your shoulders and gripping his thighs. Let Jin whimper and beg until you allow him to touch his own cock to be finally able to cum. Imagine, how his hot walls gripping your cock tightly, literally squeezing and cock milking you until it's too much and you shoot you load of white, creamy cum deep inside of him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! You need him so, so freaking bad right now, it drives you crazy!

When you turn back to your Laptop, Jin is panting heavingly and pulls his fingers out of himself right in that moment, throwing the used latex glove into the trash can next to his bed. Now you're the one who starts whining.

"Baby, why just stopped fingering yourself? Fuck, that was so damn hot and I love to see that, why-", you ask him, eyebrows pulled together in desperation and frustration.

Jin's body is trembling, he's panting fast and gasps for breath leaves his red swollen lips. He need a bit time to collect himself again and to be able to anwer you in a throaty voice.

"T-There is another surprise I prepared for you...", he's stuttering slightly and grab his laptop to place you with it in his desk. You're confused, again.

He goes back to his bed, step out of his pants completely now and pulling his green sweater over his head.

Now he's standing in his bare, naked full glory infront of the camera, let you gasp for breath. God, he's beautiful. His body reminds you always of these greek sculptures, his beauty is absolutely beyond all descriptions.

You can't describe him. You have to see him.

He grabs for the bottle of lube and lays it next to you, well, his laptop, on his desk. Without a word, you follow his actions, don't dare to say anything. Even when you two are not in the same room, there is a thick sexual tension between Jin and you through your laptops.

"Y/N... can you close your eyes for a moment? Until I say you can look again?", Jin says in a quiet voice. Looking at you through the camera in dark pupils full of lust and with pleading eyes, to just follow his appeal without asking.

Well, you wanted to protest but with this sight you close your mouth again and nod slightly, closing your eyes as well.

You hear some footsteps, something rumbles like he's moving something around. You knit confused and questioningly your eyebrows together, but you don't say anything. These noises disappears and silence returns to the speakers of your laptops. Just here and there you can hear some soft footsteps of Jin.

Suddenly, out of nowhere you can hear a long, broken moan of Jin that is followed by a soft, sweet "Oh my God, yes!" and a shaky, but so sensual hum that comes out of Jin's Chest.

"B-Baby... Y-You can open your eyes again..."

Even when you opened your eyes again, you can't believe them. That has to be a fucking dream, right?

You squint your eyes more than one time, your jaw dropped and you can't bring any proper sentences over your lips, starts babbling nonsense.

"O-Oh my holy fuck!... Jin, oh fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck, you can't kill me like that! Y-You can't do this to me, I'll going completely crazy to see you like that... Fuck, Jin Baby, I want you so bad... Oh God, that's so sexy. You're so goddamn sexy."

Jin is sitting with the back to you on a chair with a flat seating surface, gripping moaning and whimpering the edge of the backrest tightly. Lifting himself slowly up and lower his body with the most delicious and tantalizing hip circles again.

Bouncing at first slow, then faster and faster on this transparent pink silicone dildo that is placed with a suction-pad on the seat.

Let you watch how good he can take this fake cock in his tight ass after he prepared himself with fingerfucking so well. How he lowers himself down, stuffing the dildo inch for inch into his stretched and needy hole, filling himself up with this silicone dick.

The way, how he's riding this dildo in front of the camera, so needy and desperate...

The way, how all these moans and whimpers flowing over his lips without any shame...

Let you guess, how much he needed you too, how bad he needed to get fucked by your cock again.

It shows you how much he's missing the sex with you.

You can't see his face, but the red tips of his ears. You don't know why, but it turns you so fucking much on, to see Jin's blushing face.

To see, how he's a little bit embarrassed for being so needy but at the same time he's riding this dildo so fucking desperate, can't stuff enough of this plastic cock into his greedy hole. Bouncing up and down on this dick, moaning your name like he's riding you in this moment, instead of this fake dick.

Let you see, how he would bouncing on you, how he would fucking you when you would be at his side.

And this... this so goddamn sexy that you have the feeling that you'll go insane by your desire for him.

"Jin, Baby... turn around. I want to see your face when you cum. I want to see your blushy face. Flushed red, caused by your embarrassment for doing filthy things in front of the camera, right?", you ask him breathless, a little teasing smirk.

Jin whine and when he hesitatingly turn around, you see that he got even redder. God, your precious baby is so shy doing dirty things with you... you love it!

While he's turning around and re-positioned himself above the dildo, you hastily prepare your rock hard cock and the fleshlight with lube. When Jin sinks down on that dildo, you enter with a deep groan the fleshlight.

The fleshlight is only a poor comfort when you know how tight and hot Jin's walls really are. But you see Jin with the same unsatiesfied desire when he's bouncing on that damn fake dick. Jin knows, how wonderful your cock, only your cock, stretch his ass in all perfect places open and filling him up to the maximum.

But still, it's definitely better than nothing! You'll go through this time together until you're finally able to lay in each others arms again.

You hear in Jin's whines and his needy face expression shows you that he gets closer and closer to the edge, but it's not enough to cum. He's about to wrap his hand around his hard, precum leaking dick, when you start lecturing him.

"Nuh, nuh, nuh! Baby, you know the rule, right? You're not going to touch your cock until I say so, is that clear? You know the reason? Hm?", you say in a harsh, dominant voice and raise an eyebrow.

Jin bite down on his plushy and swollen lip, try his best not to let a whine out. Jinnie's face full of desperation and sexual need is one of your favourite views... that's pure art.

"Y-Yes... I-I'm not allowed to touch myself until you're close too, so we can cum together...", he whimper with a broken voice.

"That's right, Darling... so please wait a little bit longer... for me, yeah?", you wisper in a gentle tone into the microphone of the laptop.

The longer Jin wasn't allowed to touch his dick, the more whinier he got, bouncing breathlessly up and down on his dildo. But exactly that turned you even more on and your hand, with which you hold the fleshlight moved even faster. So it doesn't took much time that you're on the cliff to cum too.

You enjoy how Jin looks at you since the last three minutes. So fucking desperate and needy, impatiently waiting at your sign that he's allowed to touch his cock and jack himself off.

A thin layer of sweat is covering his skin, his bangs sticks to his forehead, plush lips are red from chewing. His chest rises and falls quickly, Jin's breathing is fast. His fingers are clawed on the edges of the seat, his arms supporting him while riding the cute transparent, pastel pink silicone cock.

Your gaze move lower in his body, a satisfied smirk spread in your lips when you see his thick long cock twitching whenever he fills his ass with the dildo up to the base. The crown of his dick is red and precum is spread all over his stomach and the top of his thighs. His plump balls, completely full of delicous cum are shacked up to his body. They're just waiting for release and to be finally able to let the load shoot all over Jinnie's stomach and chest.

You love the sight. Even when you're not there, at the end you're still able to make a complete mess out of your sweet Boy.

Now, you think, he should be allowed to cum.

"Now, Baby...", you said with a teasing smirk and you're literally bathing in satisfaction when Jin gasps in relief and immediatley wrapping his hand into a fist around his cock. He just needed a few rubs until he cum with a high-pitched whine that sounds like a mixture of a moan and a sob. God, he's so messed up.

This sound alone let you blow your load into your fleshlight.

Jin's orgasm seems to be strong, the waves of pleasure leaves his body trembling and oversensitive. He flinch when he's about to get up from the dildo and takes it out of his super oversensitive hole.

God, he's so fucking beautiful when he's messed up.

"Baby, this was undescribable sexy... we should do it more often, definitely! Who know's when we're able to see each other in real life again? Hm, what do you think, Jinnie?"

Jin is gulping, his adams apple bobs in damn attractive way and then, he's nodding with bright red cheeks.

"Yes... please."

Okay, with this fanfic here I've fulfilled my educational responsibility as a fanfic writer!😂😅

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ephemeral-forevers · 3 years

Text

//dear ex-best friend,

hi there, the better half of me. i miss you. do you miss me too? please don't say anything except yes. i know we aren't friends anymore. its so heart-wrenchingly painful for me. we may not talk anymore, but every night before i go to sleep i think about you. i absolutely refuse to believe that you just forgot me like that. that you don't care anymore. call me delusional, but i won't give up on us. honestly, i'm disappointed that you did. after all our history, was it really so easy to never look back? you left one day, without saying what was wrong. i blamed myself so much. i didn't know what i did. Was i such a bad friend? Maybe i'll never know. but i'm so grateful you exist. all i can do is look back on our memories with a sad little smile on my face. that's just what i will do.

sleepovers together, smothered giggles inside our pillows, our annual tradition of eating pizza, studying together(we ended up doing nothing productive), watching and making fun of cringy tv shows, complaining how your mom liked me more than you, getting completely drenched in the rain and falling sick together the next day, liking the same boy(ew we're over it by now), deciding that we'll move to new york together, being sure that we'd like our ashes to be mixed together, teasing you about how short you were, making fun of your dressing sense, taking ugly snapchat pictures together, wearing the same ugly costumes on halloween, riding our bikes together, fangirling over our cute celebrity crushes, making bucket lists together, pinky promises, making playlists for each other, calls at 4 am, being fools for the moon and romanticizing our lives.

you know how you hate that your nostrils blow up when you laugh really hard? i love that. it makes me feel so incredibly whole. i love that most of the times your laugh is funnier than the joke. when no when laughs at my joke you are having a fit over how funny it is, and your approval is all i need. we get each other like no one else. you ARE the sister i've never had. remember the day i told you were my soulmate and you asked me if i was in love with you? you stupid girl, you are my platonic soulmate. my one and true love. i'm happier with you than i could be with anyone else.

the day my mom and i had a fight, i came to your house in tears, and you just held me. you just sat there and held me. you didn't ask me what happened. you knew i didn't want to talk about it and i know i did not tell you in that moment how thankful i was for you. remember when you cried over that guy who didn't deserve you one bit. how you yearned for him. i hated him for doing this to you. i know you think that you aren't good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. it infuriates me so much. i wish you could see yourself through my eyes, i want to scream in your face how wonderful you are. but believe me, you are the most beautiful person i've ever met. i know, you'll ask me why i think you are beautiful. let me tell you, i don't need to give you proof. some people are just beautiful in their being. i don't need to look for the beauty in you, it just exudes out of you. and you are so incredibly smart. i know how engrossed you get when you love something. your praise makes me feel complete. i never told you this but when i showed you the first poem i ever wrote and you loved it, that was the reason i continued. i don't think i could've survived this long without you.

i still cry when i think about the night when we both talked about our fears. our insecurities and just stripped ourselves bare. how we both cried with each other. we transferred our overwhelmingly heavy weights and knowing that you carried part of it, made it bearable. i lied when i said i was okay before. i'm not. i need you desperately. when we cross paths in school and you don't turn to see me, i die just a little. when you post on Instagram, i wonder whether i should comment. Before, your comment section used to be filled with my comments. if it's okay, can you please come back to me? i could never do anything without your advice. without it, i feel like i am messing my life up. you are undoubtedly, the better half of me.

i cant put into words how much you mean to me, and i know i could never to justice to our relationship with my words. but i still try. if anything, think of this as a love letter from me. a little memento of a broken friendship. the end of an era. what a glorious ride it has been. with all my heart truly, thank you.

with so much love,

your dearest best friend.

(P.S: even if its 3am and you need someone to be with you, come banging at my door, it will always be open for you. i promise i won't ask what's wrong. i'll just hold you and cry with you.

#best friend #platonic #soulmate #love story #friends to lovers #friendship #friends #sad poetry #wholesome #academia aesthetic #dark aesthetic

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owlsbride · 4 years

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Blinding Lights.

Chapter II

She No Longer Heard the Music.

Is it cruel or kind Not to speak my mind And to lie to you Rather than hurt you Well, I'll confess all of my sins After several large gins But still I'll hide from you Hide what's inside from you I no longer hear the music

Sakura glanced at the clock hanging on the white wall of her office at Konoha hospital and discovered with feigned amazement that she had been working there since 11 pm from the day before. At which point 20 and a half hours had passed, no one could tell, much less her. She remembered that the day before around 8 o'clock she had stopped by the office of the new Hokage to leave him the reports of the previous shift, and after a small talk, she had quickly retired to the hospital to fulfil with excellence one of the last orders that Tsunade had imposed before resigning her position: Co running Konoha Central Hospital together with Shizune. And speaking of Shizune, where could she be now? Sakura looked at the clock again and sighed. Surely her Senpai would already be at home resting. She would have retired hours ago after warning her leaving for the day, asking the young nin doctor if she needed anything and recommending that she should rest too. Sakura already knew the routine by heart: she would simply dismiss any question from Shizune by waving her hand in denial, or she would have pretended not to listen to her Senpai and continued working, as usual, that inhuman amount of overtime. Shizune would have just sighed and after one last tired look, would leave the medical facilities until the next day, leaving Sakura to her own. Sakura felt comfortable in her hospital, she knew it like the back of her hand and every corner, no matter which one, it was like being in her own home. Not that she didn't have a home for her own, well, yes, yes she had, and a very comfortable one by the way, but she felt a lot better when working either in the ICU, the rooms, the laboratory or her office. She did not hate her own house, but she preferred to arrive there once she had finished all her duties. Exhaustion taking over her body and mind so that she could simply enter her comfortable apartment to take a shower and fall on her bed and finally sleep as deep as possible in the most dreamless dream, so she wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night or the day depending on the worked shift. Sakura shook her head coming back to reality once more reading the records of the day, those that she would have to leave to the Lord Sixth at some point in the afternoon which means today she would be forced to leave the hospital shortly. It was 8 pm, if her math didn't fail her if she finished her work around 9, she could find Kakashi on his way to his own home, and at that moment she would deliver the papers. The oral report should be left for tomorrow and knowing her former sensei as she did, that would not be a problem. Kakashi had proven to be a better Hokage than anyone would have ever thought; still, old habits die hard: working more than necessary in bureaucratic matters was not in his nature, less now in these times of peace, so different from those that they had faced so many years ago. So many years ago. Had there really been so many? Yes, they had been, but they had passed quickly. In the blink of an eye, Sakura had gone from being a wayward 13-year-old girl starting her shinobi path to becoming a 25-year-old woman. A direct disciple of Tsunade, a Nin doctor, a great Kunoichi and a promise for Konoha medicine. Her professional life was settled for at least the next 15 years, and she was delighted with it. Even more now that the wars fought in the past had given way to brighter times for the new generations that slowly began to repopulate the village. There were already more births that were attended in the hospital than the fatal cases produced on the battlefields. Of course, people kept dying, that was inevitable, but it was one thing to lose shinobis and villagers due to natural causes and quite another to do it due to the horrors of war. Even so, Sakura, daughter of fire, anger, and convulsed times never let her guard down and was always attentive to a new outbreak of violence. Maybe it was a way of staying attached to a past that made her feel much more supported and contained, but prevention was never too much. The sun could shine brightly now, but no one would never know when a storm could come to sweep away everything built since then. Sakura was satisfied. Satisfied. No, not happy. Satisfied. She knew she was settling for little, but that's how the last few years had been. It's been said that in life one can't have everything and that's why it is better to settle for what at least in some way can go well, so that's exactly what she did. Sakura always considered herself as a woman with will and power, but on more than one time, the lack of self-confidence had led her down dark paths that she didn't even want to think about. However, it was not only her who thought so. She had heard the rumours about her. Since she was a girl, Sakura felt that she didn't fit in. She had grown up in a typical and wealthy home. Unlike the team 7 she had had the possibility of growing up surrounded by the love of her mother and father, she had not suffered the losses that Naruto, Kakashi or Sasuke suffered which at times she almost romanticized. She knew that as an only daughter, she had been the object of her parents' devotion and focus of all their attention, which turned her into a spoiled child. It is true that she was weaker than the others and that she also cried often, but it was also true, and no one could deny that when the time came, the change she had made to become stronger had been radical. She would never be left behind again, and yet the gossip continued. She had even heard them come out of her best friend Ino's mouth. What could Sakura know about the life of a Kunoichi when it was the closest to perfection. Ino had lost her father in the fourth war just like Hinata and Tenten lost Neji. Shikamaru had lost his father. Temari had grown up without the love of her parents like Naruto and Sasuke. Sakura was far from being able to empathize with his two teachers, how she could understand Kakashi's feelings or Tsunade's resilience when losing not only her brother but also her lover and later Jiraiya. For Ino, the most significant loss Sakura had ever suffered was her long pink hair that time as a child. What Ino didn't know is that each of those losses that didn't belong directly to Sakura, they did indirectly. Sakura loved each of her friends intensely and from the depths of her being. Each tear, each pain of any of them was her own in her skin blood and bones. She suffered with them and for them in silence, and that silence hurt more than anything. That is why she had decided to be a doctor, so as not to see anyone else ache again, and if somebody had to do it, after all, better to be her, because deep down she was strong, and she would be even more for others. Silence. That silence was slowly killing her. She was slowly sinking into loneliness and apathy. Ino would always be her best friend no matter what the blonde could say about her with a few too many drinks or for the simple fact of wanting to stand out as she had always been. The rest of the boys would be her family forever, and she would accompany them in every important step they took in this new adult life they faced. They all grew so much, they were even starting their own families. Even Naruto had overcome his unconditional love towards her, and now Hinata was the light in his eyes. Maybe Sakura should have paid more attention to him when she was a child, perhaps if she had tried to fall in love with the self-proclaimed future Hokage, today she would be happy. What Naruto wouldn't have done for her? However, she had always been in love with Sasuke. From the first day she had seen him in the academy, from the first second, and for a moment she thought they could have their happy ending, after the fourth war, revenge, repentance and tears, peace appeared. Sakura believed then that love was enough for everything and she had tried. Sakura and Sasuke finally began their love story. Sakura was ecstatic, and at first, she thought she had everything she had ever proposed. She would form a family with the last of the Uchiha and reestablish the clan, they would have many children who would exalt the surname once more. Children who grew up strong like Sasuke and sweet and determined like Sakura. However, the happiness that Sakura thought she had were nothing more than projections of her wishes. Sasuke was rarely in the village, and when he did, the distance between them was enormous even though neither of them said so. A devious routine that hurt more than any kunai. At night Sasuke and Sakura could love each other intensely for a couple of hours, even talk to each other about their days or their wishes. Sasuke would sleep wrapped in nightmares and night fears while Sakura would watch over those dreams trying to provide comfort to her lover, caressing his forehead, whispering comforting words in his sleeping ears, Sakura would spend hours without sleeping, and when the morning arrived, after having breakfast together they would go their own way without much to say to each other. And so over the years, Sakura realized that she no longer heard the music. All those melodies of love, dreams of illusion vanished, and she quickly began to feel nothing for Sasuke. They had nothing in common, and the truth struck her like a thunderbolt: they were together out of habit, fear and anxiety. She had to finish everything as soon as possible to stop the spiral of wounds that a relationship like this left, however, her heart and nobility played a trick on her. Sakura felt that she could not abandon Sasuke, that he could not suffer another loss and despite losing her own happiness, she had to sacrifice herself to achieve the mental and emotional well-being of her loved one. That's what she was for, that's what a woman was for. she wouldn't be as cruel as the world was when Sasuke was little. She could save him even if no one saved her. And so, without much and without anyone noticing, Sakura became a ghost, the shadow of herself. More and more silence, more and more loneliness and more fake smiles. She was lost again as she was when she was a child. And one day Sakura's world stopped. She should have seen the signs. That night Sasuke and Sakura had sex, the most intense and intimate sex they had ever have. Long hours of love and pleasure till they both fall asleep. In the morning Sakura looked for Sasuke by her side, but he was gone. On the bedside table was a letter that was written in the neater handwriting she had ever seen, and she didn't need to open it. Sasuke had left and would not return. Sakura was relieved and scared of her own feelings, but it was better this way. Both would go their own way and would have to discover who they really were for the first time. Sakura had a new chance. And with this new chance in hands, she devoted her life to the hospital and to others. Yes. She was satisfied. Sakura began to gather her things and put together the folder that would present to her Hokage in just a few moments. She smiled to herself at the thought of him: his languid figure with his false hunched posture, the smile behind the mask, maybe the white robe slung over one shoulder in case he had felt too lazy to take it off and leave it in the office and his hands in his pockets. Kakashi was a mystery; however, those little glimpses of his gestures Sakura knew them perfectly. She had known Kakashi since she was 13 years old and since then he had perhaps been the only person who had stayed closest to her in all this time. Ever since her sensei had assured her and her teammates that he would protect them with his life on their first mission against Zabuza, even if it was a clone talking, even if it was a strategy, she knew then that he was serious. She also knew back then that she was at his feet. She was a child then, she was impressed with Kakashi, even hating sometimes his antics. She wasn't in love with her sensei, she didn't have a crush on him; then, it was just pure admiration and respect. She used to felt secure around him, and so she did through all these years: during missions, in the war and now that he was in charge of all the people of Konoha. Kakashi loved Konoha as much as she did, and that made her respect him even more. He had never turned his back on his people, despite everything he had ever had to go through, he always remained true to his principles and had never become a monster to fear. So far away was Kakashi from Sasuke in the end, those who might once have looked alike, today proved to be totally different. Sakura could trust in Kakashi. No matter how many vague answers he gave to her tireless questions, how many evasions he invented so as not to talk about himself, or how many times she wondered if there was ever a genuine smile underneath that mask, in the end, Kakashi was always loyal, faithful and honest. Sakura admired his joviality. The man remained the same as when she had met him, he seemed not to have aged a year, while she had aged all together. How many years separate them? Thirteen, maybe fourteen, and yet at times, she seemed even older than him. She had to ask him the secret of youth. Saying that Kakashi was attractive was a no-brainer. Everyone knew it, she knew it, even without seeing his face. She knew or thought she knew that under the mask was one of the most beautiful faces of Konoha, however, perhaps because of the secrets it hid, Sakura felt that her Hokage looked even more attractive like that. It was not necessary to speak of his body. Kakashi was an elite shinobi, his body had been shaped for that so he could be a killing machine, however, he also may look like a rag doll sometimes. Sakura knew a large part of his thanks to the number of times she had healed his wounds as a doctor, and she had seen many other men as well, but the former Copy Ninja had a different complexion from the others. While most of the shinobis looked either too thin or too formed, Kakashi was the balance between the two. Long legs, narrow waist, a flat abdomen, broad shoulders. Yes, Hatake Kakashi was the closest thing to perfection Sakura knew that any woman who could have him for herself would be lucky in more ways than one and she was jealous just imagining it. Sakura blushed from just analyzing her thoughts since when had she started observing her sensei like this? She almost chastity herself and force her mind to change the course of her thoughts. Not everything was beauty and light in the Hokage, and that Sakura could see it too. Behind all that carefree facade, the tired looks and mischievous smiles, she also saw loneliness. Whole hours spent in an office to which he had no attachments and a home to return to where he could only find his dogs if they were invoked. She wondered what was going through Kakashi's mind. Was he still missing Rin? Would he have overcome Obito's loss, this time for good and the Sharingan as well? Kakashi was a man of action, Sakura felt that even in times of peace, he would miss the din of missions, a battle, the fire and the anxiety of not knowing what would happen next. Sakura sighed. In the end, Kakashi was more like her than she could have ever imagined. They both clung to a dark past, a present that offered only apathetic calm and a future full of promises of lonely stability. Sakura felt her heartache for both of them, but even more for Kakashi. Once again, her mind and soul were trying to heal somebody else before herself, but she couldn't help it. Thinking of Kakashi filled Sakura with a warmth in her body that she hadn't felt in a long time. It wasn't just physical attraction. It wasn't about wanting to spend a night with Konoha's most coveted ninja. No. Sakura wanted to share her sorrows along with his. She wanted to touch his hand and reassure them both that everything would be fine. She craved to talk to him for hours, contemplate the stars with him, gaze at his profile, laugh at his silly jokes, and get mad at his ridiculous excuses. Suddenly Sakura wanted everything from Kakashi, she desired to know him as he really was. She wanted to remove him from the pedestal she had once put him on and make him human, re-meeting him as what they were now: two adults. Sakura took her things and went out determined to meet the Hokage. She would give him the reports and see what happened next. She would invite him to dinner just for the sake of being courteous and talking to him. Just to know what his answer would be. Even if it were a no, which she supposed would happen, she would begin her attempts to get closer to him and know if he wanted to get closer to her. She didn't care what kind of relationship they could strike up. She wasn't expecting anything, just hearing his voice, even his rejection. Maybe that's how Sakura could felt something again, even if it was just pain.

If you want to read the first part you can ask for the link to AO3, or scroll down to find it here. Third part on it’s way. Hope you all like it. The song belongs to The Libertines: Music When the Lights Go Out, and Naruto, doesn’t belong to me, obviously.

#fanfiction #fanfic #fandom #kakashi fanfiction #kakashi hokage #Kakashi #kakasaku #haruno sakura #sakura #naruto verse #naruto #AO3 fanfic #read on ao3 #kakashi hatake #read #review #follow 👑 Share ❤️ Enjoy 🍑#share #coment

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conversationswithme · 4 years

Text

You would be 7 years old today. Many times over the years, I have pulled you out of your crypt. The crypt that I never closed. 11 weeks of reverie, a romanticized word for looking in the rear view mirror too long.

Tonight is your burial. I'm remembering now how in the few weeks after your removal from my body how I begged Planned Parenthood to let me have your remains. So I could have a proper funeral for you. As cruel as it was to me at the time, I'm grateful for the women who took time to show me the pictures of my uterus before and after I had been scared bc they talked about taking pictures during the procedure. It was explained to me that by law pictures needed to be taken to prove that a complete abortion took place.

I abhor that word - it's laden with so many socio-politico connotations. All blasphemous when I remember the time we spent together. My baby.

How you came to be was an ugly truth. I had this whole fantastical mindset then, that I was an angel, sent here by God - to take on the familial abuse.

In those moments on the kitchen floor, I remember being told that he was God, that this is what God wanted.

And I believed it. Bc I wanted to be believe anything but the truth.

Ed had visited that year, our professors had fucked with our student body* Panza betrayed my trust 3 of the 4 college assaults had already taken place of the 8 that would occur in my life. And I wasn't sober. Far from it.

I stayed stoned, and when that stopped working I took research chemicals and acid to trip away what ... what was left.

You, sweet little baby, never had a chance. Not from the damage I had done, the psychotropic meds I took, and the other things.. made sure you were not a viable option.

I remember in the hospital when a doctor told me that the meds would save my life but injure yours.

The meds would save my life but not yours.

You were the size of a strawberry. With little fingers and a heartbeat and small shapes for your nose, and beginnings of eyes.

Bc I was pregnant, during the 11 weeks that you lived in my body, I was able to receive reduced payment* for my treatment. Think they billed me for the ambulance, that carted me from one place to the next.

The memories are blurry, I put them away, partially, so that I could breathe in between the weeks that didn't revolve around when you were with me.

You were not created out of love. There was fear, and desperation, and punishment. This was a time when I used my body as a weapon to litter myself with bullets.

If you take yourself out, no one else can.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I chose myself over your life. I wasn't ready to die.

I push people away before there's a chance to.. leave me.

It was the first time, that I chose myself, and a life.

Squandered 7 years, stoned, numb, empty warm bodies, loveless marriage, religions were my solace. Dreamt of God, tried to kill myself -- and not how you think.

it wasn't glorious or worth a spotlight, it was a slow death. Cigarettes... It felt so good to burn.

Until that feeling stopped... Depression stopped being the best friend replacement. Agony got tired of D's bullshit. Anger replaced her. Mad at the world - a new burn.

The burn started to smolder, and I think I did just about everything to keep those cancer sticks in my life.

And older version of me liked the fact that I'd die a slow death. Slow burn, choked out by nicotine fumes, the same cigarettes my family used my body as an ashtray for. Oh what color, those scabs must have been, when I was a baby like you. -- Fuck, this hurts. The constant pain. I cannot hold you.

---

You are my lemon baby. You liked Italian frozen ice, lemon always. I couldn't crave anything besides lemon. We sat by the lake, and I talked to you about Big Blue - how I lost both of you at the same time. I wrote you notes, faithfully, for Seven Years. Some time ago, I painted a brick for you, and him. And tried to sink the.. memory of you. Fold it up, chuck it in a lake, had been a year**, for fucks sake. -- and that's the thing about time, you never know when it's time to wake up. It's all individual. -- in 2020, I found music that I wanted to be for me. (apologies for older songs and tokens that the love hadn't died) that BB wrote with you referenced. -- You are a baby that wasn't built out of love, but you did not deserve those first slime songs, but We understand now that the veins of that monster are now calcified. BB was healing, too.

We forgive him***

& it was a nice thought, that OWC of 2018 was for me, and by proxy you. --

but in actuality, my release of you, and BB, and lemon daze, are up to me to undo.

You changed my life, little baby, a strawberry is on my foot, and while it could be viewed as many things, I know that my little berry, on my right foot, is to remember that you are in every step I take down this New Life Path.

You changed my life, little baby

YOu would have been 7 this year, but you are not.

Today marks 11 weeks, seven years ago, and I am going to let you rest now.

that dream when you were crying in the grocery cart, I...could have held you forever.

Yet -

You are in Zion now,

I am releasing you with your burial will be mint. It can grow wild and rampant at the place where we sat and shared a heartbeat.

-- Stevie said it best that there's a heartbeat and it never really died. -- It echoes in my mind, thuds against my skin, encasing the soul that burned. -- IF I don't live now, your death would have been for naught. -

I am letting you go. You deserve to be free.

I'll send Tokyo soon, and he'll be the best boy to you, in Zion.

-- You made my life better. Your name is J'ami. In Hebrew, it could mean victory. In French, it could mean "a friend". Now, as I look back from this new place, it could mean Just All (of) My Insides -- My name is AOMI now, after all.

It means all of it, you are my victory, you are why I am sober now, you are my friend, my guiding star, you are my child, and I am your mother.

--- Here rests J'ami 4.20.13-6.6.13 --

ly.

#poets on tumblr #writing #poetry #spilled ink #writingthestorm #twcpoetry #twcprose #writerscreed #writerscreedchallenge

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akinnie75 · 6 years

Text

Ghost Marriage

Pair: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Angst, Slow Burn, Fantasy

Word Count: 24.9k

Summary: Everyone wants to be married to the international celebrity, Jeon Jungkook, but what would they say if they found out that they’re going to marry him even after he died?

Warning: Minor Scene of Violence

It’s your special day: it’s your wedding. You walk down the aisle in the wedding dress that was hurriedly chosen. The bouquet in your hands has six roses in them, though you don’t find the point of having a bouquet when there’s practically no one here for your wedding. The only people sitting at the pew is your mother and your fiance’s parents.

Your father couldn’t come due to work, so you walk down the aisle by yourself taking each step slowly to Here Comes the Bride. Your mother is in tears, moved by seeing how you’ve grown into a beautiful woman. Your to-be husband’s mother is crying for a different reason, and she’s sobbing uncontrollably.

In front of you is the priest who will wed you and your fiance. Or rather, the picture of your supposed fiance, Jeon Jungkook. It’s a classic mahogany-framed photo of Jungkook, smiling as if nothing can ever put him down. Since Jungkook isn’t physically here to stand in front of you, you instead face your mother and his parents.

The priest plasters on a smile as he opens the book to this unnatural wedding. “(Y/N), do you take Jungkook as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish?”

There’s the last section missing, but it isn’t required for your wedding.

“...I did.” You say, in past tense.

You turn to Jungkook’s portrait, holding his ring in your hand.

“I took this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit.”

You set the ring down on the small table that holds Jungkook’s picture. After that, you put on the ring that Jungkook is supposed to put on you on your left ring finger.

The priest closes the book, smile still on his face. “Congratulations, you two are officially married.”

But there’s no applauds, only the sobs from Jungkook’s mother. You look at your mother, who’s also crying, using a handkerchief to dab her tears.

Even though for most women, this should be one of the most beautiful moments in their lives, for you, it is nothing but sorrowful. This is, after all, an arranged marriage to Jeon Jungkook—a well-loved and respected man who died not too long ago.

------

It’s not surprising that Jungkook’s apartment is this lavishing, especially since he owns this entire building—or used to. He really was living the life of a celebrity who had recently become an entrepreneur. It’s a shame that he died so young, as he could’ve become something worthy of this capitalist world. Despite everything having been left untouched since his funeral, there’s not a speck of dust. His mother must’ve hired maids to keep his place clean before you moved in.

All of his furniture is black and urban, his carpet being the only thing that isn’t entirely black. It’s a black-and-white striped pattern. Even in the kitchen, the counter is solid, black granite. The plates in the cabinets are also black and rather heavy. Only the sink is a silver color. His flashy smiles in the pictures that you saw, you never expected Jungkook to be this interested in dark colors. Perhaps it’s because of his recent death, but this place feels so...eerie.

“I am so sorry, Dear. I was not expecting there to be so many reporters out in the front. I’ll have whoever leaked the information fired and be made sure that they never get a job after.” Jungkook’s mother snarls, rubbing her temples.

Despite her son being a millionaire, his mother isn’t partaking in the wealthy life. She’s dressed as any typical middle-class mother, a woolen jacket for the fall season, rose-patterned hand-sewn shirt, and baggy pants. Had you not have been introduced to her as Jungkook’s mother, then you would’ve thought that she was any other mother.

“Mrs. Jeon, you don’t have to go that far. I’ll make sure that whoever leaked the information doesn’t get away with it, but I don’t think they deserve that harsh of a punishment.”

“Those people out there are vicious! They don’t care that we’re all in pain. They just want numbers for their damn political news...Jesus Christ...they don’t understand that this is my son that they’re talking about…” his mother sighs with a shaky voice, ready to cry any moment. “I’m going to peel some apples.”

Mrs. Jeon opens the fridge and takes out a basket of apples. She pulls out a knife from the kitchen drawer next to the sink, rinsing both the red fruits and blade. You and Jungkook’s manager sit next to each other in front of the counter, unsure of what to say to each other.

“Must be tiring being a celebrity, isn’t it?” The manager snickers.

“...I’m not the celebrity, Jungkook is. I just got caught in the middle of it.” You say rather dejectedly.

“Sorry, that was just a poor attempt at a joke. By the way, I never got the chance to properly introduce myself. My name’s Chunwoo, and I’ve been Jungkook’s manager ever since his solo debut. I’m practically like his second father to him.”

You nod your head in acknowledgment.

“...Look, about the accident...I didn’t mean to…”

You don’t need to hear about the accident for the millionth time. You heard enough about it. “It’s okay, I’m not like those reporters outside. You don’t need to tell me about it if it’s hard for you.”

Chunwoo gives a relieved sigh, chuckling nervously. “You’re right. Sorry.”

There’s an awkward silence between you two. The only sound that can be heard his Jungkook’s mother furiously slicing the skin off the apples.

“...An arranged marriage...huh,” Chunwoo mumbles. “Well, to be exact, an arranged ghost marriage. I guess it is true that traditions take generations to die off.”

A ghost marriage...is what your mother called it as well. It’s an old tradition once practiced in China and France, but it’s since been hidden from the public, with your marriage resurfacing its abnormal culture. It is the practice in which after the death of a person who has never married, typically the bachelor, a living partner would wed them so that in the afterlife, they wouldn’t be suffering alone. Although it was more romanticized in French culture, due to high death rates during wars, reasons in China differed. Some reasons were because it was shameful for a son to never get married, or to prevent bachelors from returning as evil spirits.

Your case is a little different. It was an oath that both your and his family made centuries ago. The Jeon family used to be poor, so your ancestors offered them aid and in exchange, they offer your family a marriage candidate. It’s become a tradition since for the first children that starts a new generation to get married when both have turned eighteen. However, due to Jungkook’s career as a public figure in the music industry, your marriage had been stalled for many years. It even had the potential of never actually happening.

Typically, this family tradition is common with two living partners, you’re of the first couple to have a ghost marriage. After much consideration, both families decided that it was appropriate that you still get married to Jungkook even after his death. His mother was worried that he would be lonely in the other world.

You look at the diamond ring on your left ring finger, imagining what it would be like to have a normal marriage with Jungkook. You’ve never met him in person, so would he be able to stare at you lovingly, putting this very ring on you? You don’t know, and you never will.

Mrs. Jeon sets the plate of sliced apples in front of you and Chunwoo. “Thank you, Mrs. Jeon.”

“Please, call me ‘Auntie’. We’re family now.” His mother smiles. “You too, Chunwoo. You probably didn’t eat since this morning either.”

“You got me.” Chunwoo takes an apple slice.

Auntie marches to the closed blinds, opening them slightly to see that there’s still quite a number of reporters hanging out by the front. She scowls at them, muttering every curse that exists in the dictionary.

“Do they have not have anything better to do? Why aren’t they doing their jobs?”

“That is their job as journalists,” Chunwoo says in between his crunching. “Sitting and waiting for something to happen.”

“You weren’t hurt by any of those people, were you, (Y/N)?” Auntie asks in a concerned voice.

“No, I’m fine.”

Auntie is definitely ten times nicer than how your mother made her sound. You were aware of the arranged marriage since the day you could understand words. She always said things like, ‘if you don’t fold the laundry properly, then your future mother-in-law isn’t going to like you!’ or ‘one day when you get married, your mother-in-law is going to expect you to learn how to cook a lot of dishes’. She said those sentences so often that you started thinking that it was just to scare you into doing chores. You never thought the day would come to actually meet her, but she’s way nicer than you thought.

“Come here, child. Let me help you settle down.” She signals for you to give her your luggage.

------

Chunwoo and Auntie stayed for a while after that. It was too dangerous to leave too soon since the reporters were still there, and after a few hours, some did leave. However, a good amount of them are camping at the gates of the apartment complex, so Chunwoo and Auntie had no other choice but to escape through the back.

By the time they left, the sun has already set. Auntie suggested staying here with you until you were accustomed to Jungkook’s extravagant home, but you insisted that you’ll be fine. Once they left you alone, you had nothing else to do, so you decide to head to bed early. You’ve been on your feet since this morning, talking to your attorney and finalizing your marriage to the Jeon family, all the while avoiding the media when they chased after you. You weren’t expecting marriage to be this complicated.

After removing your makeup and changing out of that uncomfortable dress, you head to Jungkook’s bedroom. You requested to have your own room because you didn’t like the thought of sleeping on a dead person’s bed, but Auntie was extremely persistent that you sleep on his bed or else Jungkook’s ‘spirit’ would feel lonely. It’s creepy, but her son just passed away, so you don’t want to stir her up.

What you weren’t expecting was to see a shrine dedicated to Jungkook. It sticks out like a sore thumb in this urban, postmodern-style apartment. It’s shaped like a temple, and in it is a frame with Jungkook’s picture, one candle on each side. There’s a small vase with white orchids inside.

You try not to pay to attention to it, grudgingly sliding into Jungkook’s king-sized bed. You apologize under your breath, wanting Jungkook’s spirit to know that this wasn’t your idea to sleep on his property.

...You check the time on your phone, and it's only been fifteen minutes since you tried to fall asleep. It doesn’t feel right sleeping on a stranger’s bed, especially since a picture of that stranger is staring daggers at you. You turn your head to face Jungkook’s picture, the glass holding the picture glistens because of the moonlight. You know that he’s dead, but you get this feeling that he’s watching your every move. You sigh, getting up from bed and to the shrine. You turn the portrait the opposite direction, not wanting to be watched by him, then drop back onto his bed.

You don’t know if you can handle living like this for the rest of your life. Because your husband died before you even got to meet him, doesn't that mean you’re technically still single? You’re going to be single literally for the rest of your life because if you try to find a partner, it means that you’re cheating on Jungkook. You don’t know what kind of mess you got yourself into.

You wonder how it would be like to be married to Jungkook if he was alive. Your mother kept telling you that you were going to marry Jungkook one day, but you always brushed it off as a joke. Based on the times you saw him on television, he looks charismatic—the kind of person that attracts everyone. You wonder...if you had met him in person, would you have been attracted to him as well..?

------

Your eyes are blinded by something bright. You shake your head, blinking profusely before opening them. The first thing you see is the blaring sun. It’s bright, but it doesn’t hurt when you stare at it for a long time. You feel the ground with your hands, and it’s solid. Looking to your side, you see food stands, roller coasters, a merry-go-round, and hundreds of people...frozen in place.

You jolt up, frantically looking around, questioning where you are. You’re in what seems to be an amusement park?? Everything’s frozen in place as if time has stopped. You also don’t understand why it’s so sunny either; it’s the beginning of fall, and it’s been cloudy for the past few days. When you look down, you see that you’re still in your pajamas.

You stand up, running around the place, avoiding physical contact from the human statues. When looking up close, they have no faces, and parts of their bodies are missing. The ends of where they’re missing the body parts have a blend of dust falling off, almost like sand. When looking up, you see balloons with ‘2008’ on them. On one of the frozen people’s shirt is a pin that says, ‘celebrating Gaya Land’s grand opening’. This may sound crazy, but you think you went back in time to 2008. This place is too unrealistic to be real...but it’s too realistic to be unreal either.

From a distance, something catches your eye. Among the crowd of the faceless statues, you see something or someone moving. This is the first thing you see moving, so you run after it.

You continue avoiding the human replicas, bumping into them occasionally, but never feeling pain when colliding into them. You feel the pressure of hitting them, but nothing physically hurts. However, that’s nothing to you because right now, you need to get to whatever’s running away.

“Hey!” You call out.

Because of your voice, whatever was moving around finally stopped, giving you a chance to catch up. Fighting through the crowds of still people, you manage to come face-to-face with the moving object. And what you see shocks you.

“Ju...Jungkook??”

You can’t believe it. Jungkook is standing right in front of you, alive and well. For a moment, you thought that maybe Jungkook actually faked his death but...he’s wearing a hanbok that’s entirely black—the same outfit his body was wearing in his coffin.

He cocks his head to the side, raising an eyebrow. “Do I know you?”

He sounds just like how he does in those videos you’ve seen of him. He is, without a doubt, Jungkook.

“My name is (Y/N), and can you please explain to me what’s going on?”

“Err...I’m just as confused as you are. I woke up here and have been wandering around for a while now.”

So even he doesn’t know what’s going on. This is all too surreal. Jungkook has appeared before you in his funeral clothes at an amusement park of all places.

“Uh...I know you just gave me your name, but who are you exactly?”

You’re unsure of how you’re supposed to answer him. No matter what you think of, it’ll all lead to Jungkook being shocked. “It’s kinda hard to explain but...we’re married.”

“WHAT?!” Jungkook shouts from the top of his lungs. “H-how….? When…? Why…?”

“I don’t know either, but apparently we’ve been arranged to get married since the day we were born, but then you died all of a sudden, so your mom was worried that you were going to be alone in the afterlife.”

Jungkook flinches when hearing about his death. You said it without any worries, so now you feel bad that you brought it up. It might be too soon to mention his death.

“That’s right…” Jungkook looks around the somewhat vacant theme park. “Jesus...first, I died, then I got married. I mean, I remember my mom telling me about marriage a long time ago, but after moving to Seoul, I kind of forgot about it.”

At least you aren’t the only one who forgot. You’re surprised that Jungkook accepted his death so easily. Typically, spirits can’t wrap around their heads about their deaths. However, how do you know that the person you’re talking to is a spirit? Maybe this is all a dream, and you just so happen to be hyper-aware of everything.

“But...anyway, since you’re the only other person here, I guess I trust in you to tell you something I found really odd.”

“What is it?”

Jungkook points into the distance, directly at three frozen humans. You two head there, and there among the hundreds of frozen people, there’s two that you found familiar. There's a man and woman, looking down at something that’s supposed to be in between them. They’re smiling at the empty in between them. Next to them is a boy seemingly in his teenage years, having his earphones in and a device you haven’t seen in ages. In his hand is a fourth-generation iPod Nano, and he looks as if he’s shuffling through his playlist.

But strikes this even stranger is that unlike the rest of these still bodies is that this couple and the boy have faces. While the other bodies have missing body parts, these have their entire bodies intact. Not only that, but the three of them look very familiar. The woman and man...are Jungkook’s parents, though in their younger form. And though you’ve never seen the boy on the right, his face resembles Jungkook’s face a lot, his head is a little wider.

“I’m assuming since you got married to me, you’ve met my family?”

“Your parents...yes...but not the person next to them.”

“Junghyun? He’s my older brother.”

“What’s...going on?”

“I don’t know either. But...I’ve been here before when I was a kid…” Jungkook wraps his hands around his mother’s. “When I was a kid, my parents brought me here to Gaya Land. I think I was 11 or 12, and right at this moment, I was standing in between them.”

Now it makes sense why they’re standing at nothing in between them. In this freeze-frame, Jungkook was supposed to be standing in between them. But the reason why the young Jungkook isn’t there is that he’s next to you, staring at this scene before him.

“Everything I remember about Gaya Land is right here in front of me. The colors, the sunny day, the food.”

“I found clues that might suggest what time period we’re in. I think...we’re in 2008 again.”

“That’s right! I remember now! I went here in 2008 to their grand opening. They took me here to Seoul because I was going to some singing auditions. They saw that I was stressing out a lot, so they thought that by bringing me here I would feel more confident. I still haven’t said thank you to them. I’m not really comfortable saying ‘thank yous’ and all...and I don’t think I ever will.”

That’s a wonderful memory. You can tell that Jungkook was raised well by his parents.

“...Hey...how are my parents doing?”

You’re a bit surprised that Jungkook doesn’t know. You assumed that since he’s a spirit now, he should be able to see what the world is like after his death.

“Your mother’s been taking care of me. I haven’t seen your father since the wedding though. Oh, and your manager, Chunwoo, is going to keep an eye on me until the media goes away.”

“Oh! Chunwoo!” Jungkook looks delighted to hear about him. “How is he doing??”

“He tries not to show it, but it’s been tough on him. It’s been tough on everyone.”

Ironically, it’s been tough on everyone except for you. You never got to know Jungkook, neither did you ever become a fan of him either, so you can’t really say that you were heartbroken about the news of his death. In your eyes, he was just another known face on Earth.

“Oh…” The excitement in his eyes fades away.

“I-I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty! It just came out of my mouth so…”

“It’s fine. Well, I’d like to get to know more about you! You’re the person who’s talking to me after all. If I can, I’d like to—”

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing. You pull your body up, gasping for air as if you’ve been submerged into water. With your shaky eyes, you inspect your location before realizing that you’re back in Jungkook’s room. You try to steady your breathing, confused as to what the hell you just experienced. It’s just a dream...but it felt so real. It was as if you and Jungkook were really there at the amusement park and talking. And his funeral clothes…

You shake your head, grabbing your phone from under your pillow. Because your phone was ringing so much, you initially thought that someone was calling you, but it turns out that you’re receiving a huge wave of text messages from unknown numbers. They’re coming at you fast, some even in other languages as well. A few of these caller IDs have locations from international countries.

‘殺人犯’, ‘¡la cazafortunas!’, ‘미친년’. All these words being sent to you but having no idea what they mean. But you do receive a few messages in English as well, and one reads:

‘Stone cold bitch,’ ‘you don’t deserve Jungkook’, ‘killer’.

Some of them are even sending you ‘memes’ of your face being cropped over pictures of pigs laying in mud, some with X’s crossed over your eyes, and there’s even one with you being photoshopped into a photo with a naked man doing obscene things with him.

How did these people get your phone number?! As far as you know, your attorney suggested that you keep all of your social media with a low profile to avoid any information getting leaked. You turn off all notifications and immediately call Chunwoo.

An hour goes by, and you and Chunwoo are sitting at the kitchen counter. He’s reading all the messages you received, and to your surprise, Chunwoo doesn’t look all too shocked.

Chunwoo returns your phone. “I could be wrong, but I think someone hacked into your information and leaked it.”

“What?! Shouldn’t we tell the police about this??”

“No. Getting the police involved would cause more controversy, and we’re already struggling with the ones we have to deal with. Besides, there’s too many people messaging you that they can’t arrest them all.”

“Then what about the hacker? It’s just one person.”

“I never conclusively say that a hacker was involved. It’s just a guess. Even if there was, a hacker is smart enough not to leave any trace behind, or this might be the work of more than one person.”

“So what am I supposed to do with all this??” You ask while scrolling through the thousands of text messages you received.

“Just get a new phone. We’ll do that first thing in the morning—”

“And let these people get away with it? This is harassment! They’re accusing me of things I never did.”

Chunwoo sighs. It’s three in the morning, so it’s no wonder that he looks too exhausted to deal with anything. “(Y/N), this may sound brutal, but these are Jungkook’s fans, and they’re just as heartbroken as us that we lost him. It’s just easy to blame you because you’re a single person. Plus, you came out of nowhere and married him.”

Chunwoo does have a point...but it doesn’t excuse them of hacking into your phone and calling you these names. You’re angry that you’ve been pinned as the bad guy for appearing suddenly and marrying him after his funeral. You remember reading those articles of people tagging you as ‘cold-hearted’ for not crying at his funeral. You know you should’ve felt bad, but forcing yourself to cry would’ve been scummier.

“For now, you have to completely wipe everything out in your phone to prevent more of your privacy being shared to the internet. I can have a bodyguard watch over you in the meantime in case something happens.”

Despite being the one in danger, you can’t help but wonder if Jungkook had gone through this before. He must’ve, though probably with more positive comments, which can explain why Chunwoo is so nonchalant about this. But what was that dream you had last night? Though you remember everything until exactly the moment you woke up, your memory of it is slowly fading away. All you can remember now is that you met Jungkook at an amusement park name Gaya Land.

------

It’s the next night, and you lay on Jungkook’s bed. You stare at the popcorn-like ceiling, curious if Jungkook has ever laid in bed, just staring at the same ceiling you’re staring at. You were able to wipe your information on your phone and buy another one, and none of this came out on the news. Well, fans were theorizing what happened on the internet, but nothing worthy enough to become national news.

You wonder if that situation happened because of bad luck; because you were being impolite and started touching Jungkook’s shrine without his permission. Maybe his spirit was upset that you turned his portrait away, so he cursed you with his fans. But he wouldn’t. Jungkook doesn’t look like the type to use his fans to his liking.

You turn to your side, deciding to forget about that for now and head off to sleep.

You open your eyes, no longer looking at the popcorn ceiling of Jungkook’s room. Instead, the ceiling is divided into rectangle tiles with lights blaring down on you but not blurring your vision. When you sit up, you’re in an unfamiliar setting, but it still follows a pattern similar to the previous dream. It’s a large hall, but it’s filled with frozen, faceless people, tips of their limbs fading into dust. You inspect the various people here, and they’re all roughly in their pre-teens, mostly males. They’re all dressed in street clothes, with white sheets of paper with numbers taped to the stomach of their shirts.

There are older people here too, the majority of them wearing suits, with the occasional staffs who are wearing navy blue collar shirts, presumably their work uniforms. This place...you don’t know what to call it. It looks like a gathering of some sort in a large auditorium,

“(Y/N) is your name...right?” Jungkook approaches you from behind.

You turn around, seeing Jungkook still in his black hanbok. “Yeah. Do you know where we are?”

“Oh, this place?” Jungkook looks around. “This is where I tried out for Superstar K 3. I think I was...in my preteens? So this has to be around...2009? 2010? I don’t remember.”

You’re surprised. You thought that it would be like that one show, American Idol, where a thousand people would be in another room, and the audition would be in a separate room. Who knew that the audition room and waiting room were in the same auditorium.

First, it was the amusement park, now it’s Jungkook’s audition. “Hey, Jungkook, what the hell is going on?”

“I’m just as lost as you.”

What’s the point? You’re talking to your imaginary version of Jungkook in your dreams. At least you’re conscious of that. But if that’s the case, then why is it that you’re dreaming of places that you’ve never been to before? All these settings take place in Korea, and your engagement to Jungkook was your first time here.

“It’s weird. The last time I saw you, I was just remembering how my parents took me to Gaya Land before my audition. Then I remembered how nervous I was when I actually had to sing in front of three judges.”

Jungkook begins to wander off, and with nothing else to do, you follow him. He looks over the shoulders of the human statues as if looking for a specific spot in the auditorium. While looking around a little longer, he finally finds the spot he was looking for. He runs to it, and you tell him to wait, but his eyes are locked onto wherever he’s looking at.

He stands in front of a small section of the large hall, staring at a set. The screenshot looks somewhat outdated, and it has large words in Korean sprawled on it with a yellow star on top and the number ‘3’ at the bottom right corner of the font. On the other side are three judges, sitting across a long, horizontal table. It took a while, but then you realize that this is where Jungkook auditioned.

“Gee...standing here now, it’s a lot smaller. Everything felt so big to me when I was a kid. I felt like my knees were going to give up on me, and when I tried to look at the judges, I just kept looking down!” Jungkook begins to laugh. “They were recording me too, so I made me even more nervous.”

Jungkook’s laughter trails off...beginning to remember a lot about himself now.

“I failed on the first try. But I guess it was for the better because, in the end, I got into BigHit.”

“You did?”

Jungkook nods. “A lot of people were spreading stories about how I chose BigHit because I thought Namjoon-hyung was cool. I mean, it is true. He lived in a completely different world from me. He was a part of underground rap groups and he had the spirit of a leader. And when you look at me...I was just an ordinary, shy kid. I aspired to be like him and many other people at the time. Speaking of members! Do you know how everyone’s doing?”

“Everyone…?”

“You know, the members from my previous band. Jimin, RM, Taehyung, Jin, Hoseok, and Suga. How are they? I haven’t spoken to them since…my debut.”

That’s right. You’re not a huge fan of Korean pop music, but you did a little bit of research on Jungkook before moving to Korea. He was once in a band that blew up internationally, and they were well received. However after their popularity died down a bit, Jungkook made the sudden announcement that he was leaving his band and pursue his solo career.

They released a video where the six older members made a good-luck video for him, but then soon after, there was a leaked video of Jimin condemning Jungkook for leaving the band and how he betrayed their trust for his own selfish goals. It was a really unstable period in their lives, and it was what everyone talked about for a while.

“Did they...come to my funeral at least?”

“...No. Your parents insisted that they keep your funeral private. It was only me, my parents, and your family.”

“Oh…” Jungkook’s shoulders slump.

“I-I’m sure that if your parents didn’t make it private, then they would’ve come.”

“Yea, my parents really hate public attention. They’re really old-fashion, you know?” Jungkook sits down on the floor and smiles.“Enough about me. I want to know more about the person I got married to.”

Your cheeks turn slightly red. You can’t believe Jungkook said that so naturally. Does he not find it strange that he’s married to practically a stranger?

You take a seat next to him. “Compared to you, I’m just normal.”

“To someone like me, being normal is a blessing.”

“...Well, I was born in Richmond, British Columbia. Not in the downtown area. The suburbs.”

“Uh...America?”

“Canada.”

“Oh! Canada! Is it pretty there? I heard it snows there a lot.”

“Yea. It can get pretty cold there.”

“If you’re from Canada, then how can you speak Korean so well?”

“My mom made me study Korean. It was…” You sigh out of embarrassment. “...for when the day comes to us going to Korea. Little did I know she actually preparing me for you and your family.”

Jungkook chuckles. “Makes sense. It’s a good thing your mom made you learn Korean, right? Now you can speak to me and everyone else who can speak Korean!”

“I guess...Everyone in my school took French, and I was pretty much the only kid who could speak Korean. But I guess I was feeling kinda insecure about it, so I never really spoke in Korean unless my mom was testing me. Other than that, I lived a pretty normal life. Went to school, got a degree with liberal studies even though I freakin’ hate kids. Shortly after, your mom called my mom, asked me to marry you ASAP, and yea.”

Jungkook stares at the three judges who evaluated him.

“...You must be having a hard time with the public, aren’t you?”

“How did you…?” You look surprised.

“I’ve been in the public eye since I was 15. I think by then I can already predict how the mass media is going to react. They weren’t happy, were they? Our marriage, I mean. Especially the fans.”

You shake your head, debating whether or not you should tell him about the threatening messages that bombarded your phone.

“It was hard on them too. I think out of everyone, they miss you the most.”

Jungkook is skeptical about how simple you put it. He knows enough that fans aren’t going to be okay with you getting married to him, but he decides not to pry further.

“It’s going to be tough for the first couple months, but everyone will eventually find something else to get upset about. Don’t sweat it!”

Jungkook pats you on the shoulder. When he touched you, your shoulder suddenly felt cold. It was so cold that you can feel shivers going down your spine.

“It’s good to know that I’m married to someone I can trust.”

You blush. “How do you know that I’m trustworthy?”

“Hmm, I dunno. I can just sense it!” He smiles from ear to ear.

You’re starting to understand why people are attracted to him. Despite being a famous celebrity, his way of talking is down-to-earth. If you met him on a busy street in a city, you would’ve never guessed his occupation. He’s not delusional in his fame like other celebrities, and he knows how to turn a conversation from him to the other person.

You open your eyes, having just experienced your second dream of Jungkook. Just like the previous, this dream also felt real. The setting, his face, the world...there was nothing that was fabricated. It was all a dream, but you felt like you were there.

You brush your tangled hair out of your face, massaging the shoulder that Jungkook touched. It was frighteningly cold...and you can still feel the shape of his hand there.

------

You open the door to see that Auntie has come to visit you. It’s really early in the morning, so you’re a bit surprised that she came, already dressed for the day.

“Auntie...good morning.”

“Chunwoo told me what happened,” she states while darting inside Jungkook’s apartment. “Kids these days are so ruthless. This is why I didn’t want to give Jungkook a phone until he was older.”

She continues to mumble to herself. You notice that she brought a grocery bag with her, and she sets it on the counter. One-by-one, she takes out the contents from within the bag, revealing it all to be ingredients to make breakfast.

“I’m fine though. It isn’t like they hurt me physically.”

“I’m not talking about whether or not they hurt your body. I’m talking about here,” Auntie points to her head.

“It’s okay...Chunwoo bought me a new phone so that people won’t bother me anymore.”

She doesn’t believe you whatsoever. She puts her hands to her hips, waiting for you to give in and admit that you aren’t fine. However, you’re too stubborn to admit that this affected you, so she gives up in trying to make you spit it out.

She sighs with a disappointed tone. “How would Jungkook feel if he found out that his fans were harassing his wife…?”

It’s that word again, ‘wife’. You find that word harder to shallow than the thought of being accused as a killer or gold digger. You still feel like you’re too young to be called that, like you still have a life you want to live. Sure, you currently aren’t working and can’t even find a job until the media calms down about the marriage, but you know that you have a future ahead of you, not just being known as ‘Jungkook’s wife’. You want to make a name for yourself too.

You look at your left ring finger, the wedding ring absent of its presence. You haven’t worn it since the first day you got here, as it was a nuisance to wear a rock on your finger. Seeing it reflect in your eyes would remind of your marriage.

“I thought you went back to Busan,” you say as you take a seat by the kitchen counter.

“My husband went back because he has work. I decided to take a few more days off to watch over you. My instincts told me that you were going to feel a little lonely, so I’m going to stay in Seoul for a while longer.”

Jungkook is lucky to have a mother like her. You aren’t even her biological daughter, but she treats you like you’re a child of her own. You love your mother, and your mother takes care of you and all, but you haven’t been able to contact her because you changed your phone line.

“I’m going to prepare breakfast. Unless you have preferences, I’m going to cook breakfast like how I typically do.”

“Let me help.”

“No, I can do it alone. You just relax.”

Though you feel bad that you’re letting Jungkook’s mom do everything, you have a feeling that she’s the type to keep fighting you off until you give up. You thought about the dream you had last night, and since Jungkook’s mother is here, you might as well as her a few questions.

“Auntie...you mentioned something about a ghost marriage being married to the spirit of your dead spouse, right?”

Jungkook’s mother puts on an apron and ties her hair. After that, she spreads vegetable oil in a pan and cracks three eggs into a bowl. “That’s right. I know it was rather rash of me to have you marry my son. I practically got you caught in a web, didn’t I?”

You’re glad that at least his mother is aware of what troubles she put you into. That’s probably why she’s staying here a little longer to make up for making you lose your freedom.

Once she beat the eggs, she pours the yellow component into the pan, followed by the sound of the pan sizzling upon contact. “But I was worried that since my son died so suddenly, he would be lost and feel alone in the afterlife. His spirit won’t find peace and would become enraged. That’s why in my most vulnerable state of mind, I forced you to get married to him. At least, it would put my delusions at ease in the meantime.”

Jungkook’s ability to accept the harsh natures of life must come from his mother. That must be why Jungkook was so quick in accepting his death and his mother moving on rather quickly. Despite his mother being aware of her problems, she still acts on them impulsively.

“And with a healthy marriage, you and your spouse and connect without ever having to speak. You can just connect through your mind and that’s it. I just thought that maybe with your marriage, Jungkook will come to terms with his passing and move on,” Auntie chuckles uncomfortably. “My, you’re listening to the ramblings of an insane old woman. (Y/N), you don’t have to stay married to Jungkook forever.”

“I don’t have to?”

“Just for now until the media goes away. After that, you’re free to return to Canada whenever you like. It’s not right of me to ruin your future like that.”

You’re a little happy to hear that. You seriously thought that it was going to be like this for the rest of your life. Even though his mother claims that everything she’s saying might just be words coming out of an insane woman’s mouth, it does make sense. You’ve have two dreams of Jungkook in specific places, though you don’t particularly remember what you two spoke about. You always remember everything when you wake up, but as the day pushes forward, you slowly forget more and more.

Speaking of the dreams, there’s a few things that you want to confirm with his mother before you make any bold claims. “Uhm, Auntie?”

“What is it?”

“...Did you and your family ever take Jungkook to Gaya Land?”

Auntie stops during the middle of her cooking, slowly turning her head to look at you, completely astonished. “Yes, my husband and I did. We took him back when Gaya Land just opened.”

Despite forgetting a lot about your dreams, you do remember the time period, the setting, and Jungkook’s parents being in the dream.

“How did you know?”

“I just came across some old pictures.”

“You did?” At this point, the bottom of the pan is starting to burn, but Jungkook’s mother doesn’t care. “I don’t recall ever taking pictures. May I see them?”

You lean back on your chair, afraid that your lie is biting back at you. “Uh...sorry, I don’t know where I put them.”

“Oh…” Jungkook’s mother’s shoulders slump with disappointment. “It’s fine. I just wanted to see the old photos...I don’t think Jungkook brought any family photos here, so I got a bit excited to see if he really did”

You feel awful for raising her hopes for some petty lie, but you were to able to get some information. That first dream you had of Jungkook isn’t a coincidence then. Perhaps that was meant to happen.

That’s when you remember something. In that first dream, Jungkook said something about wanting to thank his parents for taking him to Gaya Land.

“I think...I think Jungkook is really glad that you two took him there, and if he could, he would like to thank you guys.”

His mother doesn’t reply immediately. She returns to her cooking, using the ends of her chopsticks to scrape off the burnt eggs that have been stuck to the bottom of the pan. There’s smoke invading your space, and all you inhale is the smell of burnt food. You want to point it out to Auntie, but you don’t want to ruin the mood.

After a few seconds, his mother finally says something. “That boy...He always pretended to be an extrovert, but he’s a shy kid at heart. He was never comfortable with saying thank you to anyone, but when you look into his eyes and see that awkward smile of his, you could tell that he’s thankful,” she sighs unsteadily. “I swear, he gets that from his dad. Neither of them were ever great at being affectionate.”

Jungkook’s mother accidentally drops the chopsticks into the large, piping hot pan. She covers her wet eyes with the palms of her hands.

“Why did my child have to die before me? His father and I were supposed to be the ones to spoil him, but he spoiled us with nice clothes, cars, houses, everything. That boy grew up before we ever got the chance to shower him with gifts. I want to see him again…” Her voice cracks.

You get up from your seat, embracing her with your arms. The poor little old lady cries on your shoulder while you wrap your arms around her head, combing her hair with your fingers. She always puts up a tough front, but it’s undeniable that she’s in pain. There is no mother out there who wouldn’t be heartbroken if they ever outlive their children.

------

“That’s what my mom said?”

You nod.

You and Jungkook are in a dance studio—the walls surrounded by mirrors, with the corner of it having lockers. The corner of the room have specks of dust cluttered together, and there’s a lot of skid marks scraped across the shiny, wooden floorboards. You two are sitting next to each other, leaning against one of the mirrors. Unlike the previous settings, there’s no one in the studio besides you two.

You explained to him what his mother said, also mentioning how you seem to meet him in your dreams. You concluded that the reason why you dream of him is because there’s something Jungkook left uncompleted in the living world.

“So...the cliche of the spirit needing to pass on, huh. But the only difference is that whenever you fall asleep, you and I are put into fragments of my memories.”

“You did die suddenly, so maybe there’s something you still want to do? Maybe we have to figure it out based on your memories. Since I can connect with the outside world, I can try to do what you need.”

Jungkook rubs his chin with his index finger. “Hm...I don’t really know what I want.”

“Maybe to remember something from the past? Climb to the peak of the highest mountain? Reconciling with people? Learn how you died?”

When you brought up ‘reconciling’, that grabs Jungkook’s attention. It makes sense if he wants to, especially regarding how he never got to say goodbye to his parents or how unhappy his relationship was with his former bandmates.

“Maybe that is a good idea. I mean...I did end on a bad note with my hyungs. I’ll think about it.”

‘Maybe’ it’s a good idea? As interested as he was earlier, he brushes it over his shoulder easily. Since that did intrigue him briefly, perhaps you can start with that. Chunwoo still has some connections with the staff at Jungkook’s former agency, so maybe he can help you meet with the members who are still there.

Jungkook stands up, stretching his arms, then walks to the lockers. “Before our debut, I came here a lot with my hyungs—to this dance studio. I used to stay here with V- and Jimin-hyung until it was really late at night.”

He opens one of the lockers and finds a black backpack. He unzips it and reaches his hand inside.

“The hardest days were the ones where we had our diet period and had to practice until 3 AM. But we always broke our diet. Every night after practice, we used to go to this corner store, and we bought snacks small enough that we can sneak into during practice. Look.”

Jungkook takes out a rectangular-shaped object. He turns it around, and there’s eight smaller packs of bubble gum inside with pictures of the flavors: grape, melon, orange, and strawberry. You recognize this brand, but you can’t exactly recall where you saw it.

“I can’t believe this was in my backpack. I used to buy these all the time, and I would always eat the strawberry flavor before the others even got the chance to choose.” He snickers.

“Oh! I remember these! When my mom and I used to go to the Chinese supermarket, they would have these by the cashier. I had it a few times, but then the store closed down.”

“That sucks. And you haven’t had it since?”

“No, I kinda forgot about it soon after.”

“You should eat them again sometime! I’m pretty sure there’s a store somewhere that sells it. These are called Marukawa bubble gum. Tell me if it still tastes the same.” Jungkook smiles widely.

You smile back, promising that you’d try them when you can. As of right now, it’s nearly impossible to go out, and a part of you is scared to even step out of Jungkook’s apartment.

The energy in Jungkook’s eyes begins to fade into cheerlessness, but his smile remains. His lightly taps his finger on your hand as if asking permission to hold it. You open the palm of your hand, letting his icy hand wrap around yours. It’s the same sensation like when he touched you last time.

“Thanks for visiting me every night. I wish I can be there for you too, but I can’t.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m doing fine in the other world.”

The sound of the alarm clock wakes you up. You shut it off, pulling out a notebook and pen from under the pillow. Since you tend to forget what happens in those dreams, you thought that it’d be better to write them down while they’re still fresh. You write about how you were in the dance room, you two talked about gum, and Jungkook’s possible desire to reconcile with his former band members. You underline the words, ‘band members’ three times to signify the importance of this.

You can’t believe that you’re accepting this naturally without any rejections. Any normal person would’ve accepted this as mere dreams, but you oppose it. It’s outrageous thinking that you’ve been dreaming of Jungkook in places that you’ve never been to, and it can’t be a coincidence that you began having dreams of him when you moved here. Perhaps you see this as a way of you indirectly learning about the man you married, and with nothing to do here other than hide, this is the only thing that keeps your chin up.

------

Chunwoo has been put on hold for a while now. He’s tapping his foot, sitting in the living room with you. You lean forward, feeling a rush of suspense, hoping that this plan would work. A few days ago, you called Chunwoo, asking if he can get you into contact with Jungkook’s former members. He declined your request initially, but after pestering him endlessly, he finally gave in today.

He claims that the only number he knows is Kim Seokjin, and apparently it’s because during Jungkook’s switch to Bang Sihyuk’s new agency, Chunwoo had to keep in contact with Seokjin in order to help transfer his information. Since Seokjin became the new CEO of BigHit, he’s been busier than before, which can explain why the receptionist had to put Chunwoo on hold.

After waiting for an hour, Chunwoo finally hears a beeping sound, meaning that his line is being transferred to Seokjin. “Hello? Mr. Kim! Hi, hello. This is Lee Chunwoo. Do you remember me? Ah, yes. I’m doing fine. And you? ...I know you’re busy, but I wanted for an important reason. You see...Jungkook’s wife would like to see yo—”

Seokjin begins shouting on the other side of the phone. He’s so loud that even you can hear him. Seokjin doesn’t sound upset upon hearing about you, but rather, he’s shouting with excitement. To save his hearing, Chunwoo momentarily moved the phone away from his ears.

“Huh? Y-you’re really going to cancel all your meetings?” Chunwoo looks at you for a second. “It’s not all that important for you to do such things! What?? In ten minutes?? A-alright...Thank you. We’ll see you then.”

Chunwoo hangs up the phone, sighing.

“It’s hard to imagine such a childish extrovert owns a company. Anyway, Mr. Kim will be sending one of his guards to pick you up, since it’s dangerous for you to be alone.”

“You aren’t coming?” You ask.

“No, no. I can’t. I have something to do. Tell Mr. Kim I said hi.”

“O-okay…”

From what you remember, Jimin and Taehyung left the company after their group disbanded. Jimin went back to school to get his teaching credentials, and Taehyung became a self-proclaimed photographer. As mentioned before, Seokjin became a successful businessman, becoming the CEO of BigHit, owning a restaurant with his brother, and he even controls a few luxury apartment buildings. On the other hand, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok still work in BigHit, but as of right now, Hoseok is currently in the army to complete his military duties.

You’ve only seen videos of them when they were younger and still together. They were very active and charismatic for their age, despite all the repercussions of being an idol in Korea. They were a group that everyone admired, so it was devastating when Jungkook left the band to pursue his solo career in a different agency—the agency that Bang Sihyuk and his girlfriend started together.

Seokjin’s guards park in the company’s parking lot, hidden from the public eye. Thankfully, you were able to escape without catching the media’s attention, so sneaking out wasn’t too much of a hassle. The bodyguard escorts you to the lot’s elevator, proceeding to the main lobby, where you see a tall, fine man in a black suit. He’s on the phone, talking very fast. Based on his voice, you can tell that this is Seokjin. He was the oldest member of the band, iconic for his high pride in his looks. There’s even been scientific proof that Kim Seokjin is handsome.

When he turns around, you can definitely see why he was deemed as the ‘visual’ of the band. You two make eye contact, and he hangs up the phone, fixing his suit before marching to you. You almost felt intimidated when he arched over you, nearly six feet tall. He sticks his hand out, waiting for a handshake.

“Wuah, you must be Jungkook’s wife. I’m Kim Seokjin, pretty good-looking, right?”

You don’t know how to answer back to a narcissist.

“Can’t believe that Jungkook of all people got married first. That boy was such a virgin! Whenever he saw a girl who he thought was cute, he would run the opposite direction, I’m already in my thirties, and my looks are still discouraging girls. I’m too handsome.”

You knew that he was conceited...but you assumed that behind the scenes, he would behave more modest.

Seeing that you raised an eyebrow, Seokjin heaves out an exhausted laugh. “Sorry, I thought you were going to be gloomy, so I wanted to lighten up the mood. Besides, it’s not every day you meet a happy-go-lucky CEO, right?”

“Hyung, you’re going to scare her away.”

There’s a voice coming from the hallway. The two of you look and see Namjoon, wearing a military-patterned coat and holding a hot cup of black coffee. It’s hard to see underneath his baseball hat, but he has dark circles under his eyes.

Namjoon approaches you and shakes your hand. “Sorry if he’s bothering you. I’m Kim Namjoon and I’m one of the producers here.”

“Hey! Don’t talk about your boss like that. I can fire you, you know?”

“It’s not like you will. You’re company is going to be hopeless without me,” Namjoon doesn’t even bat an eye at Seokjin.

“It’s nice to meet you both. I’m sorry for meeting at an inconvenient time.”

“Not a problem. You probably wanted to talk to us about Jungkook, is that correct?”

You nod. Namjoon is definitely easier to talk to compared to the robust Seokjin.

“Alright, let’s find a private place to talk.”

------

In one of the staff lounges, you, Namjoon, and Seokjin are sitting at a circular couch. This room has everything—video games, a foosball table, massage chairs, and even a small kitchen. Namjoon had just made coffee for both you and Jin, and you thank him for his hospitality.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Namjoon asks after taking a sip of the coffee.

“It might be a sensitive topic...but how are you guys since Jungkook’s passing?”

Namjoon and Seokjin look at each other, with Namjoon then lowering his head. Seokjin beams, flashing a smile to prevent the mood from becoming depressing.

“It’s hard, but we’re managing. I don’t think Jungkook would want us to be mourning for him for too long.” Seokjin comments.

“Yea, he would probably say something like, ‘why are you guys clinging onto me? It’s weird’. So we’re just doing something that Jungkook would most likely want us to do.”

“Have you guys visited Jungkook’s grave?”

Seokjin sighs. “I haven’t since my schedule has been so tight.”

“Only once, but I’ve been drowning in work that I never got the time.” Namjoon glares at Seokjin, possibly hinting to him that he wants a lesser load of work.

“How’s everyone else doing?”

“...We haven’t spoken to Jimin and Taehyung since the news about his accident. Yoongi-hyung refuses to come out of his studio, and I haven’t spoken to Hoseok after he took off for his duties.”

“It’s just been me and Namjoon who’s been keeping in touch.”

Namjoon exhales loudly. “I know...we said that we’re trying to move on, but the more we think about moving on, the deeper we fall into darkness. If you don’t mind me asking, why are you all of a sudden curious about us? We’ve never spoken before this. I’ve never even seen you before this.”

“...Something’s been bothering me, I guess,” you lie. “Just learning about the accident, I just assumed that everyone’s having a hard time...and I want to help everyone move on, maybe by starting with getting rid of some guilt off your shoulders.”

You don’t know how else to put it. You can’t simply tell them that you’ve been dreaming of Jungkook every night since your wedding. They’ll think you’ve gone insane.

“I understand that you’re worried about us, but our private lives don’t have anything to do with you.” Seokjin says in a serious tone for the first time.

“Hyung, don’t say that.”

Seokjin’s words are harsh, but true. “I’m sorry to kill the mood so early, but the way you cold-heartedly ask us those questions are pushing me.”

“The questions? I…”

“I read a lot of articles about you, rumors about how you married Jungkook for the money, that you plotted the accident, that you’re a sociopath for not showing any emotions at his funeral. Having experienced half-assed gossip like that, I didn’t believe them, but there is one that I do believe.”

Seokjin leans over to you.

“You didn’t cry at his funeral because you felt out of place, didn’t you?”

Your eyes widen.

“You’re just a stranger who got jumbled up in a celebrity’s death, and it’s a nuisance to you, isn’t it? You were too busy being forced into a culture you don’t know than mourn for someone who’s important to millions of people.”

“Jin-hyung! Stop making assumptions!”

“The only reason why I cancelled all my meetings today is because I want to tell you something: getting married to Jungkook is like asking for a death wish. Especially since you know nothing about Jungkook, it upsets everyone that an unsympathetic stranger has been engaged to someone precious to millions of people. I suggest you file for a divorce.”

When you look closely at Seokjin’s eyes, you can see them start to well up. Seokjin moves back, quickly wiping his tears.

“Excuse me for a moment,” Seokjin walks out of the room.

“Don’t let his words get to you. Jin’s the type to pretend that he’s okay, but when the water boils over, he has a habit of releasing his stress all at once.”

“It’s okay...I was being too insensitive.”

“One way or another, we all feel responsible for Jungkook’s death, but we just don’t want to take the blame. We’re...such bad role models for Jungkook…” Namjoon takes off his hat to mess with his hair. “I mean, drunk driving? You know what we always told him? That drinking is a bonding moment and a method of relieving stress. We kept drinking in front of him until we were piss drunk, and even when he felt uncomfortable, we forced him to drink because it was ‘fun’.”

Namjoon covers his face with his hands.

“If we didn’t give him that stupid advice, then he wouldn’t have gotten drunk and mindlessly start driving.”

Not only Auntie and Chunwoo, but Seokjin and Namjoon. Jungkook was an important part of their lives, and you’re beginning to feel guilty. In the midst of all the tears, there lies you, the outsider. You can’t sympathize with them nor can you lift their spirits up. You don’t deserve to be the one to see Jungkook after his death. It’s Namjoon, Jin, his mother, Chunwoo, and many others who should. What can an outlier like you do?

------

“They said that?” Jungkook asks.

You nod.

You and Jungkook sit beside each other on the dirty tiled-ground of the Los Angeles International Airport, LAX. It’s overwhelmingly crowded, even the seats being taken by those faceless humans. Some spots in LAX are missing, fading into black.

“Jeez, they worry too much. It’s embarrassing. It’s not even their fault at all.”

You look at him, and he looks completely unaffected by what you told him.

“I wish there was a way I could slap their faces and tell them to stop worrying about the past,” Jungkook laughs.

You thought about what Seokjin told you. Being married to him is dangerous. Not only for Jungkook’s reputation, but for yourself. You’re also thinking about how you’re the one who gets to see Jungkook, not the people who cared for him.

“Hey, Jungkook…”

“Yea?”

“...Do you think it was a mistake to get married? I mean...I barely know you, only what articles and online forums said about you. Don’t you think you’re better off with someone who knows you?”

Jungkook thinks about your questions. He stares blankly at the feet of the frozen humans, his long eyelashes fluttering while he process his thoughts.

“It doesn’t bother me, the fact that you didn’t know who I am. Besides, I think I would prefer you over someone who knows me, or people who think they know me.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I’m serious! Let’s say that I was stuck with a fan. They would cry and climb all over me, then they would probably feel highly of themselves for being able to have psychic dreams of me. They would feel like the ‘special fan’, and it feels kinda...greedy. Like, what’s so special about talking to a dead person? And if I were stuck with someone like my mom or one of the members, I would have to constantly hear about how they’re sorry for not being to do this or that for me.”

“Wow...you sound more heartless than me.”

“I’m serious! There’s no point in crying over me when I won’t come back. I’ve come to terms that I’m dead, and I wish that others wouldn’t treat me differently. I’m just as human as everyone else. I like having you because you’ve accepted that I’m dead, and you don’t treat me like I’m a god. So if I were a nobody, you would still treat me the same.” Jungkook gleams with joy. “It feels reassuring.”

You blush slightly, looking away. You can’t understand why Jungkook would feel so happy being stuck with a stranger. If you were him, you’d gladly have someone you know versus a stranger.

“Besides, I get to share important memories of myself without someone editing or twisting my words on the internet. For example, this airport. I think this is the time when I first came to America to study dance before my debut.”

“You came to America even before your debut?”

“Yup! For two years with my choreographer. I was so terrified because I knew very little English, so I latched onto my coach like there’s no tomorrow,” Jungkook leans closer to you. “Here’s a secret between you and me: I got lost in the airport, and I was so scared about being lost in a foreign country that I started crying.”

You try to hold in your laughter. You can’t imagine Jungkook in his teenage years crying for his dance coach in an airport. It must’ve been adorable.

“Wow! So you are capable of laughing!”

You blush. “What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been nothing but serious every time we meet. You said that people think you’re a sociopath, right? See? You do have emotions.”

Jungkook rests his head on your shoulder suddenly. Despite his icy body being colder than the winter air, you feel your body burning up, feeling completely flustered.

“I should make you laugh more. You got a really nice smile.”

“S-stop.”

“I’m not lying,” Jungkook snickers. “You know, I’m kinda glad that I died. Even though we were meant to get married regardless, but with my career, I don’t think we would’ve ever met. You’re very down-to-earth and don’t see me as a celebrity, and I think that’s charming.”

You begin to shiver. The longer Jungkook keeps in physical contact with you, the colder it gets. But, Jungkook looks so happy that you don’t want to spoil the moment for him.

“Hey...did I ever tell you that…”

You open your eyes to the sound of the doorbell ringing. It must be Jungkook’s mother again, visiting you to make breakfast. You sit up, feeling your arms and shoulders. You had the heater on all night, and yet you’re freezing. You see him in your dreams, but it seems like he can interact with your physical body in terms of temperature. You want to write down this dream, but Auntie is at the door. You can’t leave her like that.

As you jump out of bed, you thought about Jungkook wishing that his members would just move on. You want that too, especially after seeing how hurt Namjoon and Seokjin are. You can’t give up because you’re Jungkook’s only hope of moving on.

------

You keep dialing Chunwoo’s number, but it always goes straight to voicemail. In the kitchen, Auntie is preparing breakfast for the two of you. When you try calling for the tenth time, the result is the same. You exhale loudly, turning off your phone and lean against the couch.

“Not picking up again?” Auntie asks.

You shake your head. “Yea. Is he busy?”

“I haven’t contacted Chunwoo since the first day we took you here either,” she shrugs her shoulders. “By the way, where did you go a few days ago? I was surprised when you told me that you were going out. You didn’t get hurt, did you?”

“I’m fine. I went out to visit Jungkook’s former members.”

“Ah...them.” Auntie’s voice becomes deeper.

You recall that Auntie didn’t include them to the funeral, but she never told you the reason. Based on the tone, she must not have a good relationship with them. You feel as though you shouldn’t have brought it up.

“They’re really nice people...when I met them.”

Auntie doesn’t bother answering anymore. She finishes cooking the vegetable omelet and sets it on a large plate. She puts the pan back on the stove to let it cool down then takes off her apron and releases her bun. Auntie checks the time on her phone while grabbing her purse on the counter.

“You’re not going to eat with me?”

“No, I’m going to visit Jungkook’s grave. I’ll eat afterward.”

She says her farewells, and you repeat it back to her as she walks out the front door. The click of the door closing echoes across the vast, empty apartment floor, reminding you that you’re the only one here. You’re glad that Auntie decided to stay with you for the time being because you don’t know how you would be able to handle be alone in Jungkook’s home.

How did Jungkook manage to survive on his own in this large apartment? Based on what people have been telling you, Jungkook is an introvert, so he might’ve been okay with living alone. But he spent most of his life living in a dorm with six older brothers, so there was no way he could have gotten used to this stark silence.

Your phone receives a text message, and it’s from Chunwoo.

Sorry, I can’t call you right now. I’m currently in the police station being questioned.

Chunwoo’s being interrogated? But it does make sense since he was the one in the car with Jungkook that night. But he must’ve been gone since early morning, maybe even longer, since he had to ignore all your calls. You text him, asking if he’s alright, followed by you sending another text, telling him to get back home safely.

You hear the sound of the doorbell ringing. You haven’t touched your meal, and so many things are going on at once. You walk to the intercom, assuming that it would be Auntie who might’ve forgotten something, but surprisingly, it was someone you didn’t expect.

“Hello?” It’s Taehyung on the screen.

“Hi, I’ll open the door for you. Just give me a second.”

You run to the door to find Taehyung standing inches away from it. He’s holding a rectangular box, wrapped in wrapping paper with a purple bow on top. But it isn’t the present you’re most curious about—Taehyung’s face and hair are soaking wet. Droplets of water drip from the tips of his hair and either onto the ground or on his clothes. Despite being wet from his neck and above, his clothes are dry. The weather didn’t say anything about rain, so you’re confused by this unusual introduction.

You point to your face. “Uhm..your face.”

“Huh? Oh, yea. I ran into Mrs. Jeon—I-I mean, not you. Th-the uhm...Jungkook’s mom. We don’t really have a great relationship with her...so...when she saw me, she took out a water bottle and splashed it in my face.”

“You can just call me (Y/N). And I’m sorry about what Mrs. Jeon did...”

“It’s fine. Can I…?”

“Come in. I can get you a towel too.”

You head to the double-doored cabinet where Jungkook keeps his towels. Meanwhile, Taehyung takes off his shoes before entering, eyeing the apartment with familiarity. He sits down, and you give him a fresh white towel.

“Thank you.” He sets the present down and wipes his hand.

“I’m sorry for asking but...why does it seem like you guys have a bad relationship with Jungkook’s mom?”

“...There are a ton of reasons, a few being that she blames us for his death, and we were trying to stop the marriage,” To lighten the mood, Taehyung smiles. “Anyway, I got you a wedding present. The funeral and wedding were both private, so I couldn’t really drop off the present.”

“What’s in there?”

“Just glass champagne cups.”

You don’t particularly like alcohol, but you accept it anyway since Taehyung bought it. “Thank you. You didn’t have to.”

“And...take it as an apology, too. Namjoon-hyung told me what Jin-hyung said to you. I don’t think Jin-hyung meant to say that in an insulting tone. It’s just that fans get upset when we get into relationships, but getting married is by far the worst. I think what Jin-hyung meant to say was that he was worried for your well-being and that the marriage was too soon for everyone.”

You’re not surprised with Seokjin’s train of thought. It’s too soon to be married to someone, and it’s understandable that his former agency wouldn’t agree to the marriage either. It has ‘bad’ written all over it, so it makes you wonder how the plan got through in the first place.

“But after thinking about it for a while, I think it was a good idea that you got married to Jungkook.”

“What? You think so?”

He nods. “I heard his mom’s reason, and I think it’s very romantic. In a way, it kind of puts me at ease knowing that he has a partner he can rely on in the afterlife.”

You lower your head, protruding your shoulders up timidly. “But there’s no point in having a stranger like me get involved.”

“I don’t see it like that. While you are a stranger at first, at some point, you’ll no longer be that. Maybe one day, you’ll know things about Jungkook that we don’t know, and it’s that special connection that will cut the ties of being strangers, regardless if he’s dead or not.”

You’re starstruck by Taehyung’s words. His way of thinking is very abstract, so it makes sense why he’s fascinated with art.

“We were all strangers to Jungkook once, and we made the fatal mistake of becoming estranged to him again.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“We will never forget how much Producer Bang-nim has done for us, but whenever Bang-nim is blinded by lust, he’ll do anything, and his girlfriend at the time wanted to start her own agency. He knew the hardships of starting a business from the bottom, so he thought that by having Jungkook join their agency, it would be a great starting point.”

You’ve heard all this before on the articles you read, but hearing Taehyung’s perspective on it feels fresh.

“Namjoon- and Jin-hyung said that it was a great opportunity and that he should take it. Hoseok-hyung wanted him to stay but said that if he really wanted to go, then he should take the opportunity. Yoongi-hyung said that it was whatever Jungkook wanted. But Jimin and I were completely against it.”

The articles weren’t lying. Jimin and Taehyung were clearly upset about Jungkook’s contract ending early, but Jimin was most notably upset.

“After Jungkook left and Jimin’s leaked-video controversy, we just couldn’t stand each other, and we eventually all went our separate ways,” Taehyung pauses briefly. “All the hardships we went through...the accomplishments we made...years’ worth of memories were gone within a span of a few weeks. We all became strangers again. I lost hope in keeping in contact with any of them besides Jimin.”

Taehyung sounds like he’s about to cry, but he holds it in. His face is turning red, but his smile still remains confident.

“So when Namjoon-hyung finally contacted me and told me that you wanted to help us move on, I thought that this may be our only chance to finally be a team again.”

Taehyung takes you by the hands.

“I want to help. I don’t want his passing to haunt us forever. I want...all of us to make more fond memories.”

You almost feel like crying after hearing Taehyung’s plea. But you don’t feel like you did anything particularly special. All you want to do is help Jungkook. It’ll definitely be a lot easier on you now that you have Taehyung on your side, and it’s someone that the members know especially well.

“Thank you so much...Taehyung.”

------

In the park, there’s no one here except for you and Jungkook. The two of you are sitting on the swing set, dipping your toes into the sand. Though you feel the sensation of the sand tickling in between your toes, the sand slips off of you like you never touched it—your feet still clean.

“V-hyung was always the kind of guy who never liked to take the leadership role, but he also didn’t like to sit still either,” Jungkook said as he kicks the sand in the misty air. “Everyone called me ‘the most competitive member’ in our band, but really, it was V-hyung.”

“Really? He looks so tame.”

“No...he hates losing more than anything. He’s so stubborn, and I admire him for that. When I left the agency, it literally felt like a romance drama. Taehyung would wait at the front of the building just so he can convince me to come back, but I always declined...even though I really wanted to come back.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“It was under my contract that I was not allowed to work for any other company unless it was for collaborations. I think Hyung saw it in my eyes that I regret leaving, which is why he couldn't bring himself to give up for a while.”

“Why did he stop?”

“...One of the producers in my company threatened to call the police for trespassing, and I remember V-hyung’s exact words: ‘it’s not called trespassing if I’m on public property so mind your own business’ and he said that all in his Daegu accent. It was funny,” Jungkook laughs. “But Taehyung actually got arrested.”

“WHAT?!”

“Jin-hyung was able to pay the media outlets to keep quiet about it, but the producer eventually called the police, and since Bang SiHyuk had more money, they didn’t need to try to listen to Jin-hyung. I felt really guilty, so I pretended to be mad at Taehyung and told him to stay away from me.”

Jungkook digs his feet into the sand, motioning back to start swinging. When he kicks his feet in the air to let himself swing, he accidentally flicked some sand in the air again.

“If you really wanted to go back, why did you decide to leave in the first place?”

“...I had a long talk with Namjoon-hyung. He told me that I was still young and should strive for more. And...I was so jealous of the members. They were all great at writing music or dancing. I wasn’t so bad either, but it’s just that I wanted to do so many things that I ended up being equally mediocre in all of them. Namjoon-hyung might not be the best at dancing, but his songs are exceptional. Yoongi is naturally bad at everything but a rare gem in the music industry. I wanted to become good at something too, so I thought that by debuting as a soloist, I would eventually learn the one thing I was gifted at.”

Jungkook kicks his feet back and forth, making him swing higher and higher.

“But it was naive of me to try growing up before I was even ready.”

Silence falls upon you and Jungkook. The only sound that can be heard is the friction of the chains rubbing against the metal bars as Jungkook swings. You remember in the articles that fans called Jungkook a traitor for leaving, but they’re also the same fans who accused you of using Jungkook for monetary gain. You despise how easy it is for people to switch sides so easy to make themselves look nice, and Jungkook is no exception to that.

You’re beginning to sympathize with Jimin and Taehyung. If you had a friend of 10+ years suddenly leaving you because they wanted to become more successful, of course you’d be upset. However, if you never had these dreams of Jungkook, you would’ve never heard his side of the argument. While he may have physically left the company, he still belonged to the members. He was afraid of the backlashes he would receive if he changed his mind, so he was stuck in a dilemma of wanting to be with his friends and his personal goals.

As much as you sympathize with Jimin and Taehyung, you also can understand Jungkook. You also feel like you’re stuck in a dilemma. You’re in a position where you’re vulnerable to the media, and all you want is to hide where no one knew who you were. But you also want to help Jungkook and his members. It’s a battle between protecting yourself and helping those in need.

“Who knew that the only way I’d be back here is by having dreams?? I guess all the talk about my hyungs made me remember this place.”

“This place?”

“Sometimes after practice, I would go here with V- and Jimin-hyung. We used to be stupid kids and jump everywhere. Like on the swings, we swung has high as we could, then jump off. Whoever jumped the furthest won the entire Marukawa pack.”

Jungkook kicks his feet higher, and he kicks high enough to the point where the entire swing set begins to shake a little.

“Jungkook! Be careful!”

Jungkook jumps off of his swings, flying as far as he could. He spreads his arms out like he would with wings, but the predicament is obvious, as Jungkook lands face-flat on the sand. His body is sprawled out like a starfish, and he isn’t moving.

You burst into laughter. “What was that? Jungkook, you’re not a kid anymore.”

You wait for Jungkook to get up and laugh with you, but after a couple of seconds, Jungkook still isn’t moving. You fear that Jungkook might’ve hit his head hard enough to fall unconscious.

You run to his aid, kneeling beside him and shaking his cold shoulders. “Jungkook! Hey, are you okay?!

Jungkook rolls over to his back, snickering like a child. You sigh in relief, but you’re quick to getting irritated, since he worried you for nothing.

“You can’t get hurt here, so even if I landed face first, I’m alright.”

“That wasn’t funny.”

“But I made you laugh again.”

You blush.

Then out of the blue, Jungkook wraps his arms around your neck and pulls you in for a hug. Once again, you’re hit with a wave of Jungkook’s freezing body temperature.

“You’re so warm, (Y/N). Whenever you’re not around, my body feels so stiff, and I’m always shivering. But when I touch you, it’s like I’m touching the sun.”

Your cheeks turn a darker shade of red. “...What’s with the cheesy lines?”

“I’m serious.” Jungkook heaves a heavy sigh. “Hey...next time you come back, can we not talk about my hyungs? I get kinda jealous that they get to be with you.”

This is the first time a guy has openly admitted about his jealousy towards you. It’s strange that Jungkook is already so attached to you, or perhaps you’re the strange one. You’ve always been distant from other people after all. Ever since that time in high school, you disliked getting close to people.

You pull yourself away from Jungkook. “What are you talking about? I see you every night.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I mean...we’re stuck in a place that doesn’t actually exist, and even though you sleep for a few hours, it only feels like minutes here. And...what about when I move on?”

Jungkook stares at you with eyes of desperation, waiting to hear your answer. But...you don’t have anything to say in this situation.

But Jungkook shakes his head and returns to his smiley persona. “Sorry, our conversation got dark. I just wanted to hear more about you from your point, that’s all.”

You cock your head to the side, creasing your eyebrows at the last part of what Jungkook. “Wait...what do you mean ‘from my point’?”

You open your eyes to see that you’ve returned from your dreams. You check the time on your phone and groan at the bad timing whenever you wake up. It always seems like whenever you finally get into an interesting conversation with Jungkook, you always wake up. You drop your head back onto the pillow, sighing loudly.

------

You were surprised that you got a phone call from Taehyung. He asked if you could have lunch at his place so you two can start planning the reunion. Jungkook wasn’t joking when he said that Taehyung disliked sitting still, as it hasn’t even been a full day since Taehyung said that he wanted to help you. If anything, Taehyung is doing more than you already.

You called Chunwoo to see if he can take you to Taehyung’s residence. To your luck, he had time, so he snuck you out of Jungkook’s apartment and into one of the company’s cars. In the car, you’re sitting in the back while Chunwoo drives. When you met him the next morning, you were surprised that Chunwoo had dark circles underneath his eyes. When you look closely at Chunwoo’s fingers, they're trembling.

“How was the questioning? They weren’t too hard on you, right?”

Chunwoo sighs. “They were rough. I can’t even count the amount of hours I’ve been in the interrogation room. All I remember is going into the police station in the morning, and it was already dark by the time I got out.”

“...I hope they were nice to you though. Your hands are shaking.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s understable if they’re trying to get me to tell them everything, especially since I was in the passenger when Jungkook was driving while intoxicated. And...I’m just still a little shaken about the accident, so I’m scared of being in a car.”

It makes sense to see Chunwoo still be scared of being in a car, especially since he had a near-death experience. Chunwoo was with him that night when Jungkook drove while drunk. Chunwoo received a lot of criticism on the internet because he was drunk as well, but many fans defended him, claiming that Jungkook wanted to take responsibility and drive since his alcohol levels weren’t as high as Chunwoo’s.

But you don’t see the reason for wanting more details when the police officially closed the case as accidental, but it could be the heat coming from the media demanding for more information. The police has to be especially careful when dealing with a celebrity’s case and the pressure that comes with it.

“But be careful at Taehyung’s place. You’re already aware of how closely the media is watching you, aren’t you? I hope you’re not doing anything suspicious.”

You gently press your head against the window, staring at the various buildings as Chunwoo drives past them. “It’s alright. I know how to take care of myself.”

------

Chunwoo drops you off at the back of Taehyung’s home, which is an apartment complex. You enter through the back and go up the elevator to Taehyung’s place. You look at the address that you saved on your phone, mumbling the number to yourself until you stand in front of the room number. You ring the doorbell, and after a few seconds, Taehyung opens the door.

Unlike yesterday, Taehyung’s dressed in comfortable clothes: sweatpants and a flamingo-patterned collar shirt. His hair is a mess, and you didn’t notice this before, but there’s a stubble growing.

“Oh, (Y/N), hello. Come in.”

You walk inside to find the place having a completely different aura to Jungkook’s home. The interior design resembles that of a combination of nature and urban-city theme—the coffee table and chairs being made out of pure walnut wood, and the kitchen is black just like Jungkook’s.

However, what makes Taehyung’s unique is the various modern and postmodern artwork framed on his walls. Based on your research on Taehyung, he seems to be a huge fan of Ante Badzim, seeing some of his photos hanging on Taehyung’s wall. But there are some that you don’t know, such as the picture with many Campbell’s chicken noodle soup and Marilyn Monroe in different shades of colors.

In the living room, there’s a huge mess of art supplies and canvases everywhere. There are opened jars of paint with brushes dipped inside. The only color you see is black. The navy blue carpet is stained with the paint, black smudges by the edges.

Taehyung kicks one of the canvases with his bare foot to make space for you. “Sorry, it’s kind of messy. I stayed up all night trying to paint something.”

“It’s fine.”

You take a seat on his couch, slowly falling back into the cushion as the foam memorizes your shape. Taehyung jogs to the kitchen, grabbing a few things and returns with a tea set, crackers, and two sandwiches. In Taehyung’s other hand is a bottle of Coke.

“I wanted to meet up somewhere like at a restaurant, but with the whole problem about my image and all, it was gonna be impossible. It wouldn’t be good for you either, so I asked for a sandwich delivery.”

“Thank you.”

You take the sandwich, and it looks as if it was made from a deli. The lettuce, raw tomato, ham, and cheese are all matted neatly and enclosed tightly by the bread. It doesn’t look greasy either, probably from a healthy but expensive sandwich place.

“So I thought about how we were going to meet together. I got into contact with Hoseok again, and he said that he’s going to come back in November while on a temporary break. Since he’s returning, I thought I could gather everyone.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea! Have you told them yet?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “Only Jin- and Namjoon-hyung, and they both agreed to meet up. Yoongi-hyung read my message but didn’t reply. And Jimin…”

Taehyung trails off, and you can sense that Jimin will be the hardest.

“He’s probably still angry at the hyungs, but I’ll somehow convince him to go too. He’s the one who’s processing Jungkook’s passing the hardest, so I think it’ll be the best for him.”

Every time you think about Jimin, you think about the leaked recording of Jimin. When you see that gentle smile of his, it’ll always direct you back to all those mean words that he said about Jungkook—that Jungkook is a selfish prick who only thinks of himself.

“Hey Taehyung?”

“Hm?” Taehyung takes a large bite of his sandwich, wiping the crumbs from the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

“What Jimin said about Jungkook...did he really mean it?”

Taehyung opens his Coke, the sizzling of the carbonated bubbles being exhaled. He thinks about your question, cleaning his teeth with his tongue in the process.

“Yes and no. Jimin gets very emotional when he’s passionate about something. He may have gone overboard with his words, but he wasn’t lying about his feelings.”

“...Do you think he’ll go to the gathering?”

“...I’m not sure, but he’ll come around eventually. He has to. Jimin and Jungkook were the closest to each other.”

“I’m sure that Jimin will-”

Suddenly, your vision goes black—as black as Taehyung’s paint—until you can no longer see anything. You hear Taehyung call out your name once, but after that, it goes silent.

------

You wake up in the same playground that you were at with Jungkook. You’re conscious, but you’re not controlling your body. You’re at the swing set, kicking your feet back and forth to increase the height. You want to stop swinging so you can check your surroundings, but since you can’t control your body, you can’t.

Your head turns to the right, and you’re met with a younger version of Taehyung, sitting on the other swing. The top of his hair is dyed golden blonde and the sides of his hair have been shaved. He’s thinner than now, but you don’t understand why the sudden change.

“Hey! You guys hurry! I don’t have all night.” A voice says from behind.

“Hyung! Don’t eat the candy yet!”

Your mouth moved by itself, but rather than your voice, it’s Jungkook voice that come out. When your legs swing back and forth, they’re unfamiliar to you. They’re more firm and muscular. This isn’t your body, but Jungkook’s.

Why are you in Jungkook’s body? Just moments ago, you were in Taehyung’s house and talking to him. After that, you don’t remember what happened; everything turned dark. Could this perhaps be another one of those episodic dreams you’ve been having of Jungkook? But this is different—you’re not with Jungkook, but in him.

Your head keeps turning to Taehyung, Jungkook is presumably estimating the height in which Taehyung is swinging. Jungkook looks at his feet, leaning back when he kicks his feet up, his body nearly as straight as a horizontal plain.

Once Jungkook is higher than Taehyung, he jumps off, soaring in the sky with his arms and legs spread out. His time in the sky is short, as he crunches his legs together and uses his forearms to embrace the impact of the playground’s sand. Jungkook makes his landing, landing on his feet first while curled up in a ball. He rolls, the sand being flicked everywhere.

Taehyung follows thereafter, jumping off the swings but not as far as Jungkook. Unlike Jungkook, Taehyung lands on his feet, nearly faltering but regaining his balance. As cool as Taehyung was for his landing, Jungkook ultimately won because he jumped the furthest.

Jungkook stands up, pumping his fists in the air with a victorious ‘yes!’ The defeated Taehyung kicks the sand, cursing under his breath as a familiar face runs up to Jungkook. It’s the person who was behind him, and you almost didn’t recognize him. It’s Jimin, but a younger version of him. Most of the pictures and videos you’ve seen of Jimin is with his serious expression. Right now, he’s smiling so much. When Jungkook turns to Taehyung, Taehyung is smiling and laughing as well, not the plastic smiles he gives you now.

“Whoa, Jungkook! Teach me how to fly like that!” Jimin exclaims.

Jimin wraps his arm around Jungkook’s neck, pulling him down. This was when Jimin and Jungkook were the same height, but now, Jungkook should be taller than Jimin without a doubt. Taehyung walks to him, patting the sand off of his clothes.

“I guess Jungkook really does deserve the reward.” Jimin taps the corner of the Marukawa gum pack against Jungkook’s cheek.

Jungkook flinches, taking the pack from him with a wide grin on his face. “Thanks, Hyung.”

His smile fades away, and you feel something aching in your chest. Since you’re in Jungkook’s body, you must be feeling what he was feeling at this time. You feel nervous, like there’s butterflies in your stomach.

“Oh? What’s bothering you, Jungkook?”

“Do you think people will like me? When we debut, I mean.”

“What?? Of course they will! Once they seen how hard we all worked, we’re bound to have lots of fans.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I think so.” Taehyung chimes in.

“Yea! Even if the world hates us, we’ll always have each other’s backs. You can count on me for that, Jungkook.” Jimin messes with Jungkook’s hair.

Jungkook admires how confident Taehyung and Jimin are. If they’re not scared about their future, then Jungkook shouldn’t be worried either. As long as he has his older brothers, then Jungkook wouldn’t be scared about the future.

------

“(Y/N)! Can you hear me??”

The next thing you remember, Taehyung is shaking your shoulders with a frantic expression on his face. You shake your head to wake yourself up, having no idea what that was earlier. For a short period, you were in Jungkook’s body. You were able to see his thoughts and feel his emotions, but you couldn’t control him.

What you saw wasn’t much, but you could tell from Jungkook’s emotions that he has a strong attachment for Taehyung and Jimin, mainly Jimin. You could tell with the way Jungkook looks at Jimin, believing every word he says.

“What happened? You spaced out and didn’t move for a while.”

“Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

You can’t tell Taehyung what you saw because you don’t know how to properly explain it. It felt similar to your dreams in that you’re in a setting from Jungkook’s brain, but it was different in that everything wasn’t frozen. Everything moved as smoothly as this world. You can’t comprehend what happened just then.

You and Chunwoo return to Jungkook’s apartment later that evening. It was difficult having to come back without the public eye on you, but somehow you two managed. It doesn’t feel like you did much, but today was exhausting nevertheless.

While you two weren’t home, Auntie went to Jungkook’s mailbox in the lobby and left them on the counter. She even cooked dinner for the two of you and left it in the fridge. Chunwoo stands next to the kitchen counter, his waist leaning on it while he goes through the stack of mail. The mail that are addressed to Jungkook has been tossed away, as they are usually death threats to you disguised as fan mail.

Chunwoo sighs. “These people have nothing better to do in their lives. They waste paper and stamps just to write an angry letter.”

You nod, still thinking about what happened at Taehyung’s house. Even after that, you still received fragments of Jungkook’s memories, though not as dramatic as the first one. They would last for a second, quick flashes of Jungkook practicing in the dance studio or Jungkook hanging out with friends. You keep getting so many of these that you’re starting to notice some of Jungkook’s habits.

You’ve learned that Jungkook feels uncomfortable whenever a sentimental conversation comes up. But you also learn that Jungkook blanks out whenever the other members talk, his mind completely somewhere else. Sometimes, he’ll think about the webtoon he read last night, or about how he’s going to level up in his game. You let out a small chuckle without thinking.

“Huh? Did something happen?” Chunwoo breaks your thoughts.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was thinking about something.”

Perhaps having these menial memories of Jungkook isn’t so bad. He’s more innocent than you initially thought, especially for someone who’s in his mid-20’s. He mostly thinks like a child, either wanting to improve himself or watch anime. He loves messing with the other members, and it’s gotten to the point where he does it naturally.

“Jungkook was always like a kid, wasn’t he?” You ask.

“Hm, really? When he transferred agencies, he was always mature. Jungkook was going to be the oldest in Bang Sihyuk’s new company, so he had to play as the big brother for all the other idols. I’m older than him, but it felt like he was my big brother,” Chunwoo gazes at the stack of envelopes, thinking about Jungkook. “Just like that night...we both drank and shared our complaints. I said that I should drive, but Jungkook insisted that he drives. He was the one who drove, not me.”

You can’t imagine Jungkook as mature. He may be talkative and friendly, but he has the heart of a kid. He always has that wide grin and that snide laugh whenever he teases you. You don’t particularly hate it, but it’s always something you notice about Jungkook. While those memories you’ve been having of Jungkook is surfacing during the day, you know you have to ask Jungkook about it.

------

When you open your eyes, you’re laying flat on the floor in a hall. However, this place strikes you as strange because it feels all too familiar. You think you’ve seen this place before, but you can’t remember exactly. But when you look at the students and their uniforms, you realize you’re at a place you never wished to come back to. You can’t understand this at all. You thought that when you go to sleep, you would wake up in Jungkook’s memory, just as it’s always been. But why are you in your high school?

You recognize the stained halls of your indoor high school, the corners of the glass windows being smothered with outdoor dust. The tiled floor was always dirty, and you hated the stench of black tar it gave off. There are students here, but their faces remain absent, and parts of their limbs fade into dust just like in Jungkook’s memories.

You dash through the halls, the echoes of your bare feet against the floor with each step you take. Where’s Jungkook? I need to look for him, thoughts like those circled around you. You can’t have Jungkook know about the person you were in high school. What is he going to think once he finds out? You’ve built a sturdy enough relationship with him, and you don’t want it to crumble.

As you dash through the still halls of this nightmarish setting, you see a familiar message in large fonts scrawled across the bulletin board, and a teacher standing in front of it, attempting to rip it off. The message reads: ‘(Y/N) is a whore.’ Old memories resurface, feeling the pit in your stomach again after reading that. But you don’t have time to pity yourself; you have to find Jungkook.

The first place you look is your old homeroom classroom. If this is your school, then that is top of the list. You speed through the hall and to your classroom. You were running so fast that you slip on your own feet, but you pick yourself back up. You can’t waste your time like this. Even if Jungkook finds out about your secret, you have to explain it to him.

Unfortunately, when you look through the window, Jungkook had already beat you to your classroom. He’s standing in front of where you used to sit at, his left hand resting on it. This overwhelming dread swarms over you, telling yourself to march into that classroom and tell Jungkook what happened. But, your feet refuses to move. You’re scared about what Jungkook has to say when he looks at you after seeing those messages. All you want to do is run away and never come back to the dreams.

Jungkook turns around and finds you standing on the other side of the window. You flinch, nearly fleeing from his sight, but you feel welcomed when Jungkook tilts his head innocently, beaming at you. In that instance, you knew you can trust him. You shouldn’t forget that you married this man.

You enter the class through the door, taking slow steps to stall the time to rehearse what you’re going to tell Jungkook. Your breathing starts to shake, having to prepare yourself to say something that you’ve never told anyone before.

“I never got the chance to answer your question before you woke up.” Jungkook interrupts you.

You raise an eyebrow, unsure of what he’s talking about. But when you recall what you wrote down on your dream journal, you remember that the dream ended with your asking what he meant by ‘your point of view’.

“You don’t need to explain everything to me. I already know.”

“Wh-what…? How…?”

“...It’s not your fault. You were coerced by that kid, and he forced you to do all those things.”

You don’t know why, but you feel upset by how Jungkook is assuming things for you. “Why are you trying to defend me?? And why do you already know about this!? I never told you!”

Jungkook avoids eye contact, looking straight at the ground.

“Tell me!”

“...What do you think I do while you’re awake?”

“What? I-I don’t know.”

“(Y/N), I never meant to, but whenever you’re away, I get these memories of you. Like...I’m inside your head. I see, feel, and think everything from your perspective. I don’t like doing it because it feels intrusive...but I can’t stop it.”

It’s the same as today. You experienced that with Jungkook’s memories. But, how long has he been going through your memories? How much does he know about you?

Jungkook turns his attention to your desk, and it’s written with offensive slurs, calling you a slut, whore, easy-going. “...You didn’t deserve all of this. Being called these names because you said yes to dating a guy who didn’t even like you...it’s unfair.”

You can’t bring yourself to look at your desk again. Just looking at it will bring memories you wish was wiped out. “If you read my mind like you claimed you did, then you should’ve known how stupid I was.”

You will never forget that day when your crush asked you to be his girlfriend. It felt like heaven to be asked out by the person of your dreams, so without hesitation, you said yes. However, you quickly learn what he was truly after. He didn’t like you, but he wanted to win a bet with his friends to see if he can get the ‘Korean-speaking chick’ to sleep with him. Deep inside, you knew that since the beginning, but you refused to admit that your crush would do such a thing. You did whatever you could to make him happy, even things you didn’t want to do.

“I’m nothing but a whore to everyone in my school.”

You can’t help but compare your current life to high school. You got involved in a relationship with two conventionally attractive guys, both of them you didn’t decline even in the first try. And you’re now experiencing the bullying and threats from Jungkook’s fans, just like how you were bullied in high school. These two scenarios are too similar for you to not connect. When thinking about these comparisons as a whole, it makes you wonder what kind of person you truly are.

“I find it interesting how making one claim can drive the whole world around you insane. It even manipulates you into believing that that’s who you are.”

Jungkook slides the chair back and sits at your desk, one foot on the table.

“The world gets to choose what kind of person you are, and you can do nothing but live with it. ‘Jeon Jungkook, the Golden Maknae of BTS’ was my title up until I died. It’s pressuring having to live up to the title that others gave me, and if I didn’t then I was afraid that I would be the reason for our downfall. I spent many nights crying because the pressure was too much.”

Jungkook takes your wrist with his icy hand and drags it over your desk. You want to pull away, but you give in once Jungkook forces your hand onto the table. Your fingers stroke the pencil etchings of the wrongful accusations, along with Jungkook’s hands entangled with yours.

“But in this nonexistent world with you...I get to be...just Jungkook.”

Jungkook brings your hand to his cheek, and you begin to blush. You don’t understand why you let him touch you so easily, but it might be because you pity him in a way. The way his eyes radiate when he touches you makes you feel important. No one gives you that look of desire like how Jungkook does, like a child wanting to hold their mother’s hand.

“He told your entire school that you’re a slut because of one act. But when tried breaking ties with him, you hurt his pride so much that he had to do something to heal it. If I were still alive, I’d find where he’s at and punch him for hurting my wife.”

Your entire face turns red when he called you his ‘wife’. Even after a month into the marriage, you still can’t comprehend that you got married to Jungkook. While you’re embarrassed, you can’t help but feel happy at the same time. It’s been a long time since someone sided with you. While Taehyung, Chunwoo, and Auntie are kind people, you don’t feel as close to them as you are with Jungkook. Despite the short amount of time you’ve been with him, you two learn about each other through memories. Since the day you declared to be his wife, you two began sharing a subconscious—allowing his spirit to live inside of you and ultimately becoming one.

Jungkook lets go of your hand and stands up. “Let’s trash the place.”

“What??”

“You hate this place, right? So then, rip your heart out on this classroom.”

You don’t look too keen on that idea, and it shows on your face.

“This place doesn’t exist beyond our heads, right? So there’s no repercussions that we gotta worry about. Though, I don’t think we can break anything, so we won’t get the satisfaction of seeing things shatter, but it’s better than nothing.”

You reconsider Jungkook’s suggestion, eyeing your old desk. You walk towards it, finally being able to look at every word scrawled on the wooden board. You’ve been turning a blind eye at this for a long time, but looking at this now, this is nothing compared to the nasty words you’ve seen people call you on the internet after the engagement. If anything, you’re a bit disappointed by how uncreative these messages are.

You take a step back to make enough leg space. You lift your right leg up and kick your desk with all your strength. It collides with other desks and chairs, making them fall. You turn to Jungkook with an excited smile, and Jungkook returns the grin.

“That’s what I’m talking about!”

Within that moment, you and Jungkook began the rampage. You grab the chairs and bang them against the walls, and Jungkook knocks over all the desks. Just as Jungkook speculated, nothing is breaking or even making a scratch, but this feels satisfying. You were always concerned about what others would say, but here, you can escape reality and just be yourself with Jungkook.

You two are screaming at the top of your lungs, being destructive children and running around. Jungkook opens the windows opposite of the halls, and he sticks his head out to the outside. When he looks into the distance, the setting doesn't extend beyond the school gates, but there’s still the ground surrounding the school.

Your class is on the fourth floor, so Jungkook grabs a few chairs and desks and throws it out the window, cheering whenever he hears the echoes of the furniture hitting the ground. You chuckle when witnessing Jungkook’s wild side, then you grab the students’ backpacks and throw them out the window as well.

You run to the teacher’s desk, opening the filing cabinet to find stacks of paper. You grab it all and run out the class, tossing a trail of paper in the halls. You can hear Jungkook laugh and run after you. You avoid all the lifeless students as best as you can, the stack of paper in your arms becoming thinner.

Even in the dreams, you can run as fast as you want and still won’t get tired. You could run forever if you want, but you’re reflexes are too slow in that you accidentally run into a student. Unlike the desks, actual humans must be locked into place, so even after bumping into one, you end up being the only one with force bouncing back to you. With Jungkook following closely behind, he runs into you as well.

You two fall backward, and you land on Jungkook’s chest. Your arms flail in the air, creating a rain of papers around you and Jungkook. Because of your adrenaline, both you and Jungkook are still laughing, not an ounce of exhaustion after working your bodies. This is the most fun you’ve had in a while, and it feels great.

“Are you okay, Jungkook?”

You turn around, arms resting on Jungkook’s chest. He holds onto you by folding his hands around your lower back. Your faces are inches away from each other, experiencing an intimate stare for the first time. Despite Jungkook’s body giving off nothing but a freezing, cold sensation, you don’t mind it at all.

“I’m...fine.”

You two don’t exchange a word, staring into each other’s eyes after this childish play. You would’ve never thought there would come an opportunity to look into Jungkook’s eyes since he died, but here you are, no gap between your bodies, holding onto each other, just as a married couple would.

Instinctively, both you and Jungkook close your eyes, steadily leaning in for a kiss. However, what you didn’t get was a kiss, but rather, Jungkook holding onto your shoulders and sitting you up straight. Jungkook scoots a little to make space, and he’s inspecting your body in case you got injured.

“I hope your body didn’t get scratched.”

You look down, brushing your bangs behind your ears upon the realization that you almost kissed Jungkook. Your face is burning with embarrassment, praying that Jungkook didn’t notice that you leaned in for a peck. But he doesn’t look bothered by it at all.

“I’m alright. You did say that you can’t get hurt here, right?”

“True.”

You stand on your feet, and so does Jungkook.

“I hope...you feel better now.”

“I do, and thank you.”

“For what? I didn’t do anything.”

“For making me not scared anymore. I’m just used to shutting people out that I never knew how to express myself properly.”

Jungkook chuckles, but it looks like he’s thinking about something else. “I’m just curious...but during the day, do you get flashbacks of me?”

You almost forgot to talk about that with him. “Oh, just now I can.”

“Oh man...then that means you’ll see my embarrassing memories.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve been looking at mine even before I could. But back to the topic...maybe we’ve switched roles. Instead of seeing my memories during the day and yours at night, it’s the other way around. So I guess in revenge for looking at my conscious without my permission, I’ll be seeing yours.”

He chuckles nervously. “Please don’t think too much about them.”

“I won’t.”

However, Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you. He isn’t seriously suspecting you; he’s just playing around. He raises his hand, his fingers curled into a fist except for his pinky. “Promise?”

You raise your pinky, locking it with his. “Promise.”

------

Today is one of those rare days where Chunwoo and Auntie aren’t here to bother you. During times like these, you reread your dream journal, specifically reading the lines with Jungkook. Occasionally, you let out a small chuckle, remembering the unusual things Jungkook would say.

It’s been a few days since that time, and since then, you’ve been looking forward to going to sleep just to see Jungkook. Sometimes, you fall asleep earlier so that you can have more time with him. Every night with him always helps you escape from the troubles you go through during the day. There are times when you wake up to your memories, and other times, you two are in Jungkook’s. And during the day, you would have flashbacks of Jungkook, and you’ve gotten used to balancing your day with his memories. But regardless of where you two are at, you’re always fooling around with him.

While looking through your journal, you get a phone call from Taehyung. You set the book down, picking up the call. “Hello?”

“(Y/N)! I was able to gather everyone together for Hoseok-hyung’s come-back dinner.”

“That’s great.”

“Yea, it is. We’re finally going to be able to be together like how we used to,” Taehyung laughs with relief on the other line. “...I was wondering if you’d like to eat dinner with us.”

“What? No, I can’t possibly. This is something for you guys.”

“I know...but I feel like I owe you. You’re the one who motivated me to do this, so I want to return the favor.”

“No, I shouldn’t—”

“Great! It’s going to be tomorrow night, and I’ll pick you up at 6 P.M. See you then.” And just like that, Taehyung hangs up.

You sigh, not knowing if you should call him back to tell him that you’re not interested in going. But then, he would just ignore you just like he did just now. You can’t forget how Seokjin was brutally honest with you that day, and even though Namjoon was treating you well, you knew that he didn’t want anything to do with you. You’ll only be talking to Taehyung.

But you know that that’s not your full reason. Having the members reconcile with Jungkook’s death would mean that you possibly might not have dreams of Jungkook anymore. That would mean that he’ll be able to move on, leaving you here in this harsh reality. You don’t want that, but this is what you set out for in the first place. You shouldn’t back out now because of your own selfish desires.

------

To your surprise, the restaurant that Taehyung chose isn’t some high-end place. In fact, it’s a small, corner place, and the name of it is ‘Yoojung Sikdang’. You know this place because of Jungkook’s memories—he and the members used to eat here often during their trainee days. As they got more popular, they stopped coming here, and eventually they moved away.

You met Jimin for the first time when Taehyung picked you up. Taehyung did mention something about he and Jimin being roommates, so it would make sense for him to be in the car as well. When you greeted him, he barely let out a ‘hello’ and continued on scrolling through his phone. Just as you thought, the members aren’t looking forward to meeting you.

The place is small, and this place is designed in a traditional Korean style. There are petite tables, and instead of chairs, it’s pillows. It’s empty here besides them, but it makes sense since Taehyung said he reserved the entire place for the night. In the corner of the room, there’s practically a shrine for BTS, pictures of them in the past altogether when they were still producing albums together. Seeing Jungkook with them stings a bit.

Namjoon and Yoongi are already inside, sitting in the far corner of the space, both on their phones. Taehyung calls out to the pair, and they both shoot their heads up at the same time. Namjoon’s eyebags have gotten better since the last time you saw him, but despite this being the first time meeting Yoongi, you can tell that he isn’t in best shape. He looks extremely exhausted and thin, looking as if he could faint any moment. He looks so serious, so you don’t know if you should greet him or not.

The three of you take your seats on the pillows, and you make sure to sit next to Taehyung. You feel heavy vibes coming from them. It’s written on their faces that they don’t want to be here. It’s only Taehyung who looks cheerful with his shoulders jumping up and down.

“Where’s Jin-hyung and Hoseok-hyung?” Taehyung asks while breaking the chopsticks in half.

“He went to pick up Hoseok at the airport,” Namjoon answers. “They should arriving ny minute.”

An elderly lady exits from the kitchen with a tray of food. She looks happy to see them, a gleeful smile on her face as she sets the tray on the table.

“Taehyung, Jimin! How have you been?”

“Oh, Granny! You’re still working here!” Taehyung exclaims. “Shouldn’t you be resting? You’re getting old.”

“Ah, don’t worry about me. Just because I’m climbing up the numbers doesn’t mean I can’t cook dinner for you all. I wanted to see everyone,” after speaking, she turns to you. “You must be Jungkook’s wife! How are you?”

“I’m fine. Thank you for letting us eat dinner here.”

You know this woman from Jungkook’s memories. Jungkook has always remembered her as a kind woman who reminded him of his mother. Jungkook always missed his home, so coming here was a remedy to cure his homesickness.

“What a fine woman he married. Well, I don’t want to keep your time, so if you all need anything, I’ll be in the kitchen.” The elderly woman gets up and leaves.

Once again, silence befalls the group with Taehyung taking his rice bowl and picking a piece of pork belly. With how intensely quiet everyone is, you don’t want to dig into the meal just yet. Seeing how no one is grabbing anything, Taehyung grabs pieces of meat and salad and puts it in Jimin’s rice bowl, then Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s.

And as if on cue, Seokjin and Hoseok enter. Seokjin opens the doors rather dramatically, opening both the double doors, his head high and hands in the air. Hoseok is standing behind him, looking a bit embarrassed.

Seokjin wobbles to the table and sits down with all the gravity pushing him down. Upon closer inspection, Seokjin’s face is red, and there’s a strong scent of alcohol coming off of him. Hoseok, currently fulfilling his military duty, has shaved his hair, and he’s dressed in sweatpants and a thick jacket.

“Sorry it took so long! It was hard to find Hoseok.”

“Hi, you must be (Y/N). I heard a lot about you. I’m Jung Hoseok.” Hoseok smiles and reaches his hand out for a handshake.

You take his hand and shake it.

Other than Taehyung, Hoseok is the only other member who treats you kindly, so it’s nice to finally have someone else initiate a greeting instead of you. Seokjin breaks his chipsticks in half, mumbling something about how great the food looks.

“Hyung, why do you smell like alcohol?” Namjoon asks.

“Oh, me? Well, you see, I knew that everyone is going to be depressing, so I thought I’d drink and make this night more fun!”

“You drank while picking up Hoseok-hyung?” Taehyung asks in a frightened voice.

“No, his driver picked me up. Jin-hyung was in the passenger seat.”

“Come on, come on! Let’s drink until we’re piss drunk! Isn’t that what you wanted, Taehyung?”

Seokjin grabs a bottle of soju from the table side, pouring soju in everyone’s cup, including yours. Since he’s drunk, his accidentally lets the alcohol overflow in a few of the cups.

When Seokjin gets to Jimin’s cup, Jimin swipes the tip of the bottle away, making it accidentally spill on the kimchi. “I don’t want any.”

“Why? You used to love drinking! You used to make every excuse possible to drink. Don’t spoil our reunion and let’s drink.”

“I said...I don’t want any.”

“Come on!”

Seokjin attempts to pour soju in Jimin’s cup again, but Jimin pushes it away with more aggression than before. Some soju even got on Jimin’s hands, trickling down to his wrist.

“What part of ‘I don’t want any’ do you not understand!?”

“Why are you raising your voice at your hyung?”

“Oh, now you’re our hyung?! What about when Jungkook died, huh?! Where were you then?”

“Jimin, stop it.”

“So you get to choose when you want to be our hyung?? I guess you were thinking about being our hyung while chugging alcohol, knowing full well that that’s how Jungkook died. What a great example you are to all of us.”

“Don’t put the weight onto Jin-hyung—”

“Namjoon-hyung, you were our leader, and you let Jungkook walk off to some other company, knowing full well that he wasn’t ready for it!”

“Jimin...we’re here to celebrate Hoseok-hyung’s return…”

“Just...stop it with your hopes of getting back together as a team, Taehyung! Hoseok-hyung obviously went to the military because he couldn’t handle Jungkook being gone. Namjoon- and Yoongi-hyung became workaholics, and all Jin-hyung does is drink his sorrows away! Look at us! Did you really think we wanted to see each other again??”

The tension escalated quickly, and it feels like the six of them have forgotten that you’re here. After Jimin’s brief rant, silence follows. From the corner of your eyes, you can see Taehyung has lowered his head, and droplets of tears fall from his cheeks.

“At least Taehyung is putting all of his efforts into getting us to talk to each other again,” Yoongi speaks up. “What have you done?”

“What…?”

“Running away from your responsibilities and blaming others, is that your way of coping with his passing? At least we’re trying our hardest to move on. You’re still stuck in the past.”

“I…”

“Before you go off running your mouth, learn how to acknowledge your own faults before pointing out others’.”

Jimin opens his mouth to argue more, but nothing comes out. He bites his lip, slamming his fists against the table before running off, followed by Taehyung chasing after him. Something inside is telling you to go check on them, so you instinctively got up and ran after them.

From outside, you can hear Jimin shouting at Taehyung. Taehyung is doing his best to calm him down, holding onto his shoulders tightly and shushing him. Jimin catches notice of you and snares at you.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! No one asked you to be here!” Jimin shouts from the top of his lungs.

“Stop! I invited her! I told you that already!”

“What’s the point of having a fucking outsider with us?! She’ll never understand how much pain we’re in. Stay the fuck away from us!”

Frightened by his booming voice, you take a step back.

“Why couldn’t you have been the one who died, not Jungkook?!” Jimin points at you.

Suddenly, Taehyung punches Jimin across the face. The impact was so strong that Jimin fell to the floor. Taehyung must’ve been wanting to hit Jimin for so long, but he held it in because he was waiting for Jimin to wake up. He knew the pain that Jimin was going through, but he was waiting for him to grow out of that.

And without warning, your vision turns black.

------

You’re in a room, presumably in a lobby from Jungkook’s new agency. Your nose has congestion, and your eyes won’t stop crying. Your chest is aching with unfathomable amount of pain. Your head is leaning on the wall while your body's resting on the leather bench like a lifeless doll. This must be one of Jungkook’s memory playing out again.

Jungkook keeps looking down at his phone, his screen on Jimin’s phone number. You can hear Jungkook’s thoughts fighting against itself, debating whether to call Jimin or not. After much consideration, Jungkook wipes his nose with his forearm and presses on Jimin’s number. He puts the phone to his ear, but it only took one ring for Jimin to decline the call. It goes straight to voicemail, the automated voice asking if Jungkook would like to leave a message after the beep.

“Hyung...I can’t do it anymore. I feel really lost, and whenever I talk to someone, it feels like they never listen to me. They keep telling me that I need to act professional...but I don’t know how that looks...I...really want to see you and everyone else again. Let’s talk like how we used to...but I know you might still hate me. If you listen to this...know that I don’t hate you. Please call me back.”

Jungkook hangs up, breaking down into a river of sobs. This room feels so cold and dead, not giving him the warmth he needs, but just more isolation. Jungkook feels alone, and all he wants is to talk to someone, anyone.

------

Jimin puts his hand over where Taehyung just punched him. That caught him by surprise that he doesn’t know how to react. That’s when Taehyung gets on one knee next to Jimin, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him in for a hug. Jimin tries to push him away, but Taehyung only clings onto him tighter.

“That’s enough...you went too far. If you have someone to be mad at, let it out on me.”

But rather than lashing out again, Jimin hesitantly wraps his arms around Taehyung’s back. He can no longer hold back the tears, so he sobs uncontrollably on Taehyung’s shoulder. After witnessing that memory, you can no longer hide your tears as well.

“He called me...the night of the accident, and I was being selfish...I was still mad at him for leaving us. If I wasn’t so stupid and picked up the call, then Jungkook would still be alive. I...I killed our little brother. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

You approach them, getting on your knees while you cry. “Jungkook loved all of you guys, and all he wants is for you is to move on. He would never hate any of you.”

All three of you are crying your eyes out, and by the entrance of Yoojung Sikdang is Hoseok, Seokjin, Namjoon, and Yoongi. Hoseok is crying on Seokjin’s shoulder, and Yoongi is trying his hardest not to cry as well. It took you awhile to realize that they aren’t crying because of sorrow, but because they finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel—maybe, they do have another chance to fix what’s been broken, with Jungkook being the glue to put them back together.

------

Dinner ended in a lighter mood. Everyone told stories about Jungkook, some that you already knew and others that were new. They were smiling and laughing, which is something they must’ve not have done in a long time. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but they eventually open up to you, and you’re beginning to understand why they’re so beloved. They make sure that they don’t leave anyone out, and they’re very down-to-earth people.

Once dinner has been paid, you get up to use the restroom. You did your business, wash your hands, then exit through the door. To your surprise, you see Yoongi waiting by the ladies’ restroom. You nod your head slightly to acknowledge him.

“Are you currently living in Jungkook’s apartment?” He asks.

“Yes, I am.”

“Then, I’m assuming you’re keep in close contact with Chunwoo?”

“Jungkook’s manager? I am, why?”

“...Have you noticed anything strange about him? Does he get anxious whenever he talks about Jungkook’s accident?”

“Now that you mention it, yea, sometimes.”

“I feel like I should tell you this because you’ve been talking to him lately,” Yoongi gets off the wall and leans closer to you. “I’ve been keeping in contact with the police, and they might’ve found some new evidence.”

“What? But I thought the case was closed as accidental?”

Yoongi looks serious, and you have a bad feeling about what he’s going to tell you next.

“I need you to do me a favor.”

------

Chunwoo enters through the front door of Jungkook’s apartment, and you’re sitting in the living room. Soon after dinner, you called Chunwoo and asked him to come over. Fortunately, he had time in the night, so he came over as soon as possible.

“Good evening, (Y/N). How was dinner?”

With the information you got from Yoongi, you don’t know how you’re supposed to face him now. For now, you try to remain calm.

“Good.” Your purse is on your lap, keeping your hand inside it.

“Did you need something?”

“I just wanted to talk...because we’ve been talking about Jungkook at dinner, and I want to personally talk to you about him.” You stumbled with your words a bit, but he didn’t notice.

Chunwoo looks confused, but he still takes a seat across from you. “What is it that you want to talk about?”

“You’ve known Jungkook for a year, right? I heard that after he transferred agencies, he would confined to you about his problems.”

“He did.”

“Since I never got the chance to meet him, what did you two normally talk about?”

“He usually talked about how stressful work was. Jungkook had to do a lot of promotions, composing songs, and directing his short films. Bang Sihyuk had him do all that because it was good publicity, but it was too much for the poor kid.”

“I see…”

“I felt bad for him. He always talked about how great it was being in his old band, and I could tell he really missed the old days. He was a good person who was being exploited for his talents, so I became his manager to watch over him.”

“I’m assuming you two talked after work a lot too.”

Chunwoo raises an eyebrow, confused with the sudden interrogation from you. “Yea...we did. We often went out to drink our problems away. That night too, we drank, and Jungkook offered to drive because I was more intoxicated than him. Then he ram the car into the tree.”

“People must’ve felt bad for you, being the one with the most guilt. But at least there are a lot of people who sympathize with you, knowing that you had to see his dead body.”

Chunwoo leans forward, his hands folded on his lap and his knee shaking up and down with rapid speed, as if he’s nervous.

“I know I said that you didn’t have to talk to me about this, but I can kinda understand you. I’m usually a secretive person...but after talking to the members, I felt so much better, especially knowing that I can trust that they won’t tell anyone.”

You keep your eye on Chunwoo, and you can tell that he’s beginning to sweat. “...Yea.”

“So I thought that maybe I could be someone you can rely on too. I don’t want to be an unreliable person.”

“...Can I tell you something that you can’t tell anyone?”

“What is it?”

“I feel very awful about this, and it’s been gnawing at me since it happened. I told myself that I would take this secret with me to the grave, but I can’t anymore.”

“What happened?”

“...Jungkook wasn’t the one who drove. I was,” He waits for you to say something, but you look speechless, so he decides to continue. “Jungkook was so broken that night, so I suggested that we go out for some drinks. We both got drunk and I...offered to drive. I was so intoxicated that I wasn’t thinking straight, then I...I...ran into the tree.”

“But...the reports said that Jungkook was in the driver seat.”

“...That’s because I dragged Jungkook’s body to the driver’s seat, and I placed myself on the passenger side then called the police.”

“Wh-why...would you do that?”

“You don’t understand. Do you know how much repercussion I would get, being the reason why the international idol is dead?! My entire life would be over! S-s-so I thought...if I could shift the blame on Jungkook...then the press would go easier on me.”

You feel the urge to hit him, but you try not to let your anger boil over. “So...are you telling me that this whole time while I was getting death threats and sending Jungkook to the grave with a false accusation, you did it to protect your image?”

Chunwoo chuckles nervously. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. Anyone would do that to save their ass!”

“Dragging an innocent person’s body to the other side so you won’t get blamed?! Jungkook didn’t die from impact, so you could’ve used that time to call the goddamn police! Do you realize how selfish you sound?!”

Chunwoo’s eyes widen upon hearing what you just said. “...It was never released to the public that Jungkook survived the impact...How did you know?”

You cover your mouth, realizing that you said too much. Yoongi had told you everything about the police suspecting Chunwoo, including the part that Jungkook was still alive after the accident. Chunwoo stands up, and you cautiously scoot away from him. He trails his eyes down at your purse, noticing that you haven’t moved your hand from inside since he got here.

“What are you doing?”

You look away, afraid that you might’ve been caught. “N-nothing!”

You have to get out of here ASAP. You stand up from your seat to the door, but Chunwoo grabs you by the arm, causing you to drop all the content from your purse. In your hand is a tape recorder, and it’s still rolling.

Chunwoo’s expression is in absolute horror when he realizes that you’ve been recording the entire conversation. He takes the recording device from your hand, but you try to take it back. However, Chunwoo pushes you to the ground. You fight your dizziness by shaking your head. You get back up and climb onto Chunwoo’s back. He punches your head, but you fight back by biting him on the shoulder.

Chunwoo rams into the wall to get you off of him. He bumps you into the wall multiple times until you give in and fall off his back. He gets on top of you, wrapping his hands around your neck and applies pressure on it. Your air circulation tightens, and you’re now struggling for air.

“I stood by your side because I wanted to redeem myself, but it turns out to be a mistake. I should’ve left you to drown by yourself.”

You scratch his wrists and hands, kicking him in the stomach. Unfortunately, you’re not strong enough to push him off of you. Your face turns red from the lack of oxygen, and you’re losing consciousness.

------

Jungkook and Chunwoo are in the company’s lounge, and Chunwoo is making tea for the pair to drink. Once again, you’re in Jungkook’s body, and you can feel exhaustion wave over his body. He turns to Chunwoo, a forced smile forming on his face.

“I knew I can trust you, Hyungnim.”

“Don’t flatter me. This is my job to take care of you.”

“But you treat me more like a son. I don’t mind though.”

“You’re just saying that.”

Jungkook chuckles to himself, already knowing that Chunwoo will never take him seriously. He thinks about how the transfer would’ve been harder had it not been for Chunwoo. He knows that he can rely on him whenever he wants because Chunwoo is that great of a man.

------

You grab Chunwoo by the wristing, losing all air circulation, but you have to tell him something. “Please...tell...everyone the...truth. Be the...great man that...Jungkook said...you are.”

Chunwoo’s expression changes to conflicted. You don’t know what will be the outcome, but all you can do is pray for the best.

------

You wake up in your bedroom in Canada. This is one of your memories, but your room looks different. It’s pinker, and your bed is smaller. There’s butterfly decorations on the wall and a dollhouse next to your closet. Based on the interior design, this must be when you were approximately four or five.

You walk out of your room and down the stairs, surprised to see four familiar faces in the living room. You immediately recognize your parents in their younger forms, but it’s the other adults that catch you by surprise. They’re...Jungkook’s parents. You don’t understand why Jungkook’s parents are in your home. You don’t ever recall meeting them prior to the wedding.

You notice that the front door is open, and it’s snowing outside. You walk outside to find two young children building a small family of snowmen. You kneel down to get a better look at their faces, and it’s a boy and girl...specifically a younger version of you and Jungkook.

“When I was four, my parents took me to Canada to meet my fiancée. Being a kid, I thought that marriage was gross, so I didn’t want to come.”

Jungkook was standing by the other side of the door, and he approaches you and the two children.

“While the adults were talking, my fiancée was hiding in her room, so I got bored and went outside to build a family of snowmen. When I saw the family getting bigger, I thought about how nice it would be to start one myself, so the thought of getting married wasn’t so bad. And that’s when my fiancée finally showed her face, and she helped me build our family out of snow. We had a dog and three kids. We also made ourselves. After we finished, I turned to her, and I vowed to her that I…”

“...Would be the best husband there is.” You finish his sentence.

“I’m surprised you remember. I don’t think you knew Korean at the time.”

“I asked my mom after because she overheard.”

There was no way you could’ve remembered this. This was when you two were barely starting kindergarten. It was just by chance now that you remember this, and you feel awful for not remembering something as important as this.

Jungkook gives you a pained smile. “Sorry I couldn’t fulfill my end of the bargain.”

Jungkook holds your hands, then he puts his head on your shoulder.

“I ended up becoming the worst. I died, then I couldn’t be there for you when you were in trouble. You ended up having to be there for me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“No...you don’t understand...and you never will,” he grips onto your hand tighter. “When I died...all I did was swim in darkness. It was so dark that I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open. I felt hollow, floating in nothingness, and I felt like I was going insane. Suddenly, light started beaming from the distance, and I swam towards it, only to be in Gaya Land again. When I saw you, I can’t explain why...but you were like the sun to me, and I was attracted to your light.”

He lets go of your hand and wraps his arms around you.

“When I touched you for the first time, I became addicted to your warmth. I’m nothing more than a cold spirit taking space in your body. And whenever you woke up, I would go through your memories, and I couldn’t help but fall for you even more. They were a good substitute, but having you with me, recreating fragments of our lives just so we can see each other, I looked forward to that the most.”

You can’t hold your tears anymore. You let them out, knowing where this conversation is heading.

“You created a new world for me, letting me know how it’s like to be alive again. And for that, I can’t express how thankful I am to have you as my partner.”

But Jungkook pulls away from you.

“But on the other side of this fantasy world, you were suffering because of me. (Y/N), I live in your body, so did you think I wouldn’t know what you would be feeling?”

You take back Jungkook’s hand, pressing it gently on your forehead as you cry. “No, Jungkook, I...I was willing to go through all that because at least by the end of the day, I got to be with you.”

He cups both of your cheeks, using his thumb to wipe away your tears.

“You’re so sweet...I feel horrible because I would have thoughts of how to get you to sleep forever so I wouldn’t have to go through the pain of seeing you leave me. But seeing how you just experienced a near-death experience, I can’t bring myself to see you in pain a second time.”

“Jungkook, I don’t mind…”

“No...I want you to live a long life and die a peaceful death. Do what you couldn’t do with me. Divorce me, marry a man who loves you, have lots of kids, be happy back home in Canada. You married me because you wanted to see me pass on, right? Well, you did it. But to tell you the truth, I already knew that my hyungs would make up, so they weren’t reason for me staying here.”

Jungkook brushes your bangs back and kisses you on the forehead. His lips felt cold, but it still warmed your body. After a few seconds, Jungkook pulls back, smiling that smile you fell in love with.

“I just wanted to someone to listen to me, and you became that ‘someone’. Thanks for putting up with my obnoxious feelings.”

You can’t help but laugh. You thought that this departure would be heartbreaking, but you feel uplifted. You’re happy that Jungkook can finally move on.

“Make sure to eat a lot of Marukawa gum, alright?”

“I will...Bye, Jungkook.”

------

It’s been a few days since you’ve been discharged from the hospital. You didn’t suffer serious wounds, so your stay wasn’t too long. Ever since Chunwoo’s confession, you’ve garnered a lot more sympathy from the public. Jungkook’s former members visited you individually, all telling you that they’re thinking of reforming the band for Jungkook’s sake.

Yoongi was the one who told you about Chunwoo being a suspect in Jungkook’s manslaughter. They found drag marks on the ground, and they’ve been interrogating Chunwoo, but they never got a confession from him. After you fell unconscious, Yoongi and the police were able to stop him from killing you.

In Jungkook’s apartment, Auntie is preparing a meal for you while you sit by the kitchen counter. You stopped having dreams of Jungkook ever since you said goodbye, never to see him again. You stare at Jungkook’s wedding ring—the one that you never wore since your wedding day.

“Auntie…”

“Yes?”

“You knew about the ghost marriage, didn’t you? Our souls linking together. That’s why you rushed the marriage and hoped that I could do something to help him.”

Auntie stops cooking for a moment. “...That’s right. I’m sorry I never told you anything. I was afraid that if I said something, then you would leave. If you like, you’re free to file for a divorce now. My husband and I will compensate for everything.”

“It’s alright...I married Jungkook, and I plan to keep it like that. If it wasn’t for the marriage, I would’ve never met him.”

“...He was a great man, wasn’t he?”

“...I think he’s more than that.”

You put on the ring, feeling heavier than when you last remember. Though Jungkook disappeared from your life, the time you spent with him are unforgettable. You two travelled through each other’s memories, but it felt more like you were creating new memories for yourselves. It may be harder that Jungkook won’t be here, but you’ll do as Jungkook asked you to do: to strive for a happy life. Of course, you aren’t going to leave him for another man. You aren’t that cold-hearted.

Just wait for me, Jungkook.

------

Epilogue

“Doctor! We’re losing her!”

“Keep using the defibrillator!”

“It’s no use! Her heart rate isn’t picking up.”

“There’s...nothing we can do. I’m sorry, (Y/N).”

Those were the last words you heard before your lungs takes its last breath. The heart monitor’s rhythmic beating slows at the same rate as your heart until there’s a long, constant ring. After living for decades, your heart finally gives in, but this isn’t a sorrowful death for you. In fact, you’ve been waiting for this day, and you can’t wait to open your eyes again.

Jungkook is walking along a pathway made out of stones. He tries looking up at the sky, but it’s being blocked by the ferris wheel. He thought that Heaven would be extraordinary like what everyone said it would be, but it didn’t take long for it to become boring. He thought that since he can create his own Heaven, Gaya Land would be the perfect place because this is where he met you for the first time, but it doesn’t feel the same without you.

“...kook…!”

He blinks profusely, picking his ears with his pinky finger to make sure that he isn’t hearing things. His boredom must’ve taken over to the point where he’s hearing your voice all of a sudden. He made it clear that his Heaven wouldn’t be with you because you would have a life of your own once he passed on.

“Jungkook!! Jungkook!”

Jungkook must miss you a lot that he probably created a figment of you. But he can’t understand why your voice is getting louder. That’s when he hears your voice again, and it’s coming from behind him. He turns around and sees you running after him.

“(Y/N)?!”

You spread your arms out, launching yourself in the air to hug him. You bump into him, making him fall to the ground. He can’t believe it; Jungkook could’ve sworn that you lived a long life, but you still look the same age as before.

“Wh-what are you doing here?!”

“Don’t move.”

You cup both of Jungkook’s cheeks, squishing them close to each other. After groping them for a while, you giggle.

“Your body’s finally warm.”

“Why are you here? Why do you still look the same??”

“Well, I did grow old, but when I came here, I became young again. Besides, when I got the choice to choose what kind of Heaven I wanted, I decided on wherever you were.”

You’re so glad to see Jungkook again that you nuzzle your forehead on his head.

“You mean...all this time, you didn’t move on?? You…”

You shake your head. “I never got married to anyone else, nor did I ever have kids. How could I pass someone like you?”

Jungkook puts his hand over your left hand, feeling the wedding ring on your ring finger. He blushes, as this is the first time he’s seeing you wearing the ring. Seeing it means that you really are his and his forever.

He’s so embarrassed by your straightforwardness, but he feels giddy at the same time. He pulls you in for a kiss on the lips, then he hides his face on your shoulder.

“You really wasted your life on me,” But Jungkook is ecstatic to learn that you stayed with him all this time. “Geez...I love you too much.”

“I love you too.”

Even though the physical world was unfair to you, it also brought you the best kind of happiness—one that you will never replace. There were limitations, but it only made you treasure it more once you passed on to this world. You can finally touch him, express your love, and never have to leave his side ever again. Even though you two were engaged a lifetime ago, this is just the beginning of your marriage.

The End

A/N: Thank you to everyone who read this all the way till the end!! If you have anything to tell me in relations to this story or anything else, then don’t be afraid to tell me! Unfortunately, links are not working for me, so I can’t directly take you to my masterlist, so click on my name and look for it on the header.

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