#i think. that is the closest i am getting to explaining my thought process

[that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction]

I was talking with my friend about which of the knights would immediately support Merlin’s magic when it’s revealed and which of them would need a little more time.

Then we started thinking about how Merlin reacts when Arthur is threatened, and how he doesn’t care who it is but he’ll fight anyone to protect Arthur.

And because I love angst too much, I brought up how hurt Arthur would be at his best knights and closest friends assuming the worst of him.

I’ve had this stuck in my head for a few days so thought I’d share:

———

There’s some sort of emergency, either a magical creature or bandits while the knights, Arthur, and Merlin are all on a hunting trip. Arthur’s life is in danger so Merlin acts without thinking to save him, revealing his magic to everyone. (Only Gwaine and Lancelot know, but Merlin doesn’t know that Gwaine knows yet.) Merlin is left standing in front of Arthur with his hand out to stop the threat while the gold leaves his eyes.

Arthur: You have magic…

Lancelot and Gwaine both come to Merlin’s defence, saying something like

Lancelot: *standing protectively by Merlin* Sire, he’s done nothing worthy of punishment.

Gwaine: *grabs his sword and stands protectively by Merlin* if you hurt him, and it’ll be the last thing you’re capable of doing.

And seeing them both defend Merlin over his magic so easily, the rest of the knights join in too. Leon knows Merlin and Arthur are as loyal to each other as they come, and Elyan and Percival have both seen magic - good, bad and indifferent - outside of Camelot from their travels so while it took them a second longer, they do side with Merlin.

Leon: Arthur, think this through,

Elyan: *holding his sword* I can’t allow you to hurt him.

Percival: *puts a hand on Arthur’s shoulder threateningly* Merlin’s as loyal as they come, surely he deserves a chance to explain himself.

Arthur isn’t even holding his sword, he dropped it during the fight which is why Merlin had to save him. He’s just looking at Merlin with hurt in his eyes, then at the knights looking something close to betrayed but also hurt for them believing he could ever hurt Merlin. The thought never crossed his mind until Gwaine said it.

Merlin stops looking at Arthur and glares at the knights, stepping away from Lancelot and Gwaine to make it clear that he doesn’t want them to side with him. He then magics Elyan’s and Gwaine’s swords into flowers so they aren’t threatening Arthur. Then he stops holding anything back so his ‘Emrys filter’ disappears and Merlin gets to be threatening while being openly protective.

Merlin: All of you, stop. If anyone harms a hair on Arthur’s head, I’ll reenact every attempt on his life that I’ve stopped since coming to Camelot on you all, but this time they’ll be successful. So help me gods if you hurt him, I’ll hurt you enough that your great grandchildren will still be feel that pain.

Arthur: …

Everyone is stunned, Arthur feels overwhelmed by everything and isn’t exactly processing, but he’s hopeful when he sees Merlin still caring about him.

Merlin: *turns to Arthur* I’m a sorcerer, I have magic. I use it for you, Arthur. And whatever you decide for my fate, I’ll accept it willingly.

Arthur: We’re going home. You’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do, Merlin.

Merlin sighs, relieved that he isn’t about to lose his life, and immediately goes back to his servant duties, handing Arthur his sword and getting the horses. The knights collect their things, murmuring to themselves and subtly watching Merlin and Arthur while they talk too quietly to be heard.

Arthur: Thank you.

Merlin looks over, confused and raising an eyebrow in a way he really shouldn’t at his king, but it’s reassuring to Arthur that they’re still Merlin and Arthur despite the magic.

Arthur: For not assuming the worst of me.

Merlin: You’re too good for that, Arthur. Even if you did get angry, you’d have every right to after I lied for ten years. For what it’s worth, I am sorry about that.

And it seems so simple in the way Merlin says it, like they can get through this just like they’ve gotten through everything else so it’s going to be okay. So Arthur tentatively accepts it in that moment, whatever ‘it’ is that gives Merlin magic because he’s definitely still got questions.

Arthur: it’s… well, it’s not great. I won’t pretend I’m not upset, but at least you didn’t go shouting about it in court.

Merlin, flashbacks to when Gwen was accused of witchcraft: yeah… good thing…

———

That’s all I got. I’ve still got really bad brain fog so I’m not sure how coherent this is, I’d settle for passably readable at best though. I’ll probably write something more for this when I can focus on anything for more than five minutes without feeling like my head is going to explode, but for now I’m just gonna leave this here.

[dun9eons]

a/n: hiiiii kyoko x fem reader smut !! im cooking rn im literally so feral for kyoko cus like imagine her girl cock sliding in and out of me like its her last day 🙁

my carrd if u wnna know more abt me > dun9eons.carrd

-

summary: It was love at first sight with your substitute teacher, you may have gone too far.. 👀

CW (18+): smut, dub-con, semi-public, futa / girlcock, wlw

words: 2.2k

her favorite student

It was just a normal school day, same old same old. I headed to roll call every morning expecting the same words to come out of my teachers mouth about some announcements or school events I know I won't ever go to, I guess I'm just really lazy.

Today was different though, I had a new substitute for history class, I couldn't really care less though, assuming it was just some old clueless teacher who doesn't know what they're doing.

That wasn't the case.

My ears perked up to the sound of my teacher's voice saying it was a new, young teacher.

I was a bit disappointed, hoping I would just have history class as a free period, but since it's a young teacher, I guess they know a thing or two about respect.

The bell rings, signaling the end of roll call, with many people moving to their respective classes.

It was a coincidence I had history first, so I could see the new young teacher.

I waited against the wall with my friend, waiting for everyone to come so the teacher could lead us inside.

I then suddenly heard the tapping of heels in the walkway, it was so loud, but no one seemed to point it out.

I peaked my head out, stunned at the sight.

It was a tall beautiful lady with luscious lavender hair along with a braid on the side supported by a black ribbon with purple eyes complementing her fair pale skin.

She was wearing boots with heels, a black sleek skirt with a white work shirt and a black tie.

God she was so pretty.

After a minute or two, she then signaled my class inside.

We then took our respective assigned seats and sat waiting for her instruction.

"Hello class, as you know, I am your sub for today as your usual history teacher isn't here. Please call me Ms. Kirigiri, and don't hesitate to put your hand up if you need any help."

Her voice is so mesmerizing, I could hear her repeat that sentence everyday, it's unfortunate that we only have her for today.

I swiped those thoughts away, unpacking my back to bring out my book and pen, although a good looking teacher, still boring, same work. Which was.

I was pretty good at history, but a certain question stumbled on me. I didn't want to embarrass myself, but I had to get this work done, I can't handle work not being finished, I needed everything to be finished.

I raised my hand up, Ms Kirigiri then walked slowly up to me.

I eyed her waist and her his, the way it swayed to either side was distracting me too much, I didn't even notice the blush on my face until she spoke up.

"What do you need help with dear?"

She said that with a raspy voice as she slithered her arm onto my shoulder which instantly sent shivers down my spine, which isn't helping as my blush just grew redder.

"I-I uh.. Just need help with this question.."

I pointed at the question I was struggling on, not really expecting the teacher to know, but to my surprise, she was pretty helpful.

She was kind of rubbing the side of my arm, and my shoulders, I don't know If that made me excited or nervous, there wasn't an in between.

She was explaining the process of how to get to the answer, but for the first time, I couldn't really care less. My elbows were on the table, my head resting on my hand as I just kind of stared at her, thinking some really.. Weird thoughts.

She's so mesmerizing, I wanted her to do things to me that I could never say in front of people, even my closest friends.

I forced myself to snap back to reality as I continued onto my work, breezing through and pretty surprised with myself since the working out she explained really helped.

I was way into my work, not noticing the time till Ms Kirigiri spoke up.

"Class, please pack up as there are 5 minutes left till the bell rings for break."

I sighed, thank god it was an early day. I continued packing my back as I stood up and waited behind my chair, having a little small talk with my friends around me.

The bell rang, me and my other classmates went towards the door.

"Ah, sorry. I apologize but may y/n stay back for a while?"

I froze in place, slowly walking back towards the class, my friends waving me by as they say they'll wait for me at their spot.

My breath was shaky, Ms Kirigiri closed and locked the door.She then sat down on her chair, looking at me with her purple eyes. I could never tell what she was thinking about. It sent shivers down my spine.

I was asking myself questions I couldn't answer myself, I was praying to god I didn't do anything wrong to cause the reason for me staying back.

"So uhm.. Ms Kirigiri, Why am I staying back?"

She crossed a leg over another. I could see the grin forming on her face, which made me even more nervous.

"We'll need to talk about your behavior y/n, but first.."

She trailed off, she then uncrossed her legs and used her hand to pat her lap.

"C'mere."

I could see a spark in her eye, it was filled with lust.

I hesitated but I started to walk slowly towards her, carefully sitting myself down onto her lap.

I don't know If I was nervous or excited, I just wanted to get out of here as soon as I can. So I just complied to whatever she's telling me.

"So.. U-Uhm.. What about my behavior? Did I do anything wrong..?"

I said shyly, trying hard to keep some composure.

"My my.. Y/N perhaps you forgot? I've seen the way you were looking at me during class."

My breath hitched, shit.. I never really thought she would have found out or even pointed it out. I really have to think of an excuse to get out of this since I don't want to get in trouble.

"I- er.. I was just making normal eye contact. It's respectful to make eye contact with whoever is speaking."

I sighed, hoping Ms Kirigiri would just let me off now. I didn't want this situation to escalate, but at the same time I didn't really want to leave. I'm sitting on this beautiful lady's lap, who would want to leave?

"Don't act clueless Y/N..~"

I felt her breath against my ear, her hands slowly sliding up my hip towards my waist.

"Ms Kirigiri.. W-What are you doing..? This is so.."

I trailed off, not continuing my sentences at the thought of my wrong wording can make the situation I'm in worse than it already is.

"You owe me an apology y/n."

She whispered against my ear, instantly turning red, her breath was so warm.

"I-I'm sorry Ms Kirigiri.."

She scoffed, her hands tightening around my waist, making me unable to escape her grasp.

"You call that an apology? I'll show you how to apologize properly."

I started squirming whilst on top of her lap, her hands still wrapped tightly around my waist I could barely move.

She then raised me up, putting me back down onto her lap, now looking towards her.

"Since you like eye contact so much, just keep your eyes on me."

I nodded, I have no words to say. I bit my lip in anticipation, awaiting her next move.

She then slid her skirt and her underwear down a little, just enough to let her hardened cock spring free from it's confines.

My eyes widened at the sight of it, it was pretty big, about 7 inches and girthy.

I swallowed hard, this was way too much for me to handle, but something about it just left me wanting more.

I was then snapped out of my thoughts as I felt Ms Kirigiri slide my skirt and underwear off, tossing them to the side somewhere.

It was embarrassing, I was really wet at this point. I felt her staring, it was uncomfortable, but I was getting hot and bothered at this point, the lust and desire was taking over quicker then intended.

"Wet already huh?"

She teased, she wasn't wrong. I could definitely feel myself getting wetter by the passing time, but I didn't want to look down.

Fucking hell, her cock was just calling out my name, it was just standing up right with no contact.

I decided whether to just pleasure myself with the time we have, so I took the chance.

I lifted myself as I positioned myself, my pussy just hovering over her cock. I held onto her shoulder for support, I never knew I wanted this. I never knew I was like this, but fuck, I needed her so badly.

I then lowered myself onto her cock, silently cursing at the sudden pain of something pretty big entering inside.

"Fuck.. Y/N you're so tight."

She said, her voice hoarse and filled with lust.

It was fine, since the pain was slowly turning into pleasure as Ms Kirigiri guided me throughout the way, she was guiding my waist as I was slowly bouncing on her.

I wrapped my arms around her neck as I continued riding her. I was pathetically whimpering and moaning her name out, I couldn't even care less if anyone heard me. I cared more about the pleasure I was receiving more than anything.

"I.. I'm so close ngh- M-Ms Kirigiri..!"

She picked up her speed, basically forcing me to slam myself down onto her. The noises of skin slapping together and moans filled the room, It was getting blurry. I can't even think or say anything without mumbling something incoherent.

"Fuck.. Y/N, I'm close as well.."

A moment later, I came, Ms Kirigiri hadn't come yet, but she was still lifting me and slamming me down onto her cock, but this time more slowly.

She suddenly then pulled out, cumming all over my and her stomach. It was a messy white mess.

I panted heavily for air, I don't know why, but I wanted more.

The last remaining bits of cum stringed from her tip, her cock twitching every time.

"Haah.. You did good y/n, you're free to go if you'd like, you have about 3 minutes of lu-"

I then suddenly pulled Ms Kirigiri's tie, forcing her to be closer to me as our lips crashed together.

It was passionate, gradually getting more needy with each passing second, but then I pulled away.

"Uhm, would it be okay for us to.. Do something like this again..?"

I asked sheepishly, as she looked at me again, those eyes filled with lust.

"Well, perhaps. There's another class coming in here. So how about you hide under my desk for me then?"

I nodded as I hurriedly climbed under Ms Kirigiri's desk, it was a bit cramped, but I doubt whoever passes by can even see me.

A while later, the bell rang, I was still cramped up under my teacher's desk, I heard footsteps and the sounds of talking whilst students entered the room.

Ms Kirigiri talked, introducing herself and sitting back down after the class was busy with their work.

She leaned back on her chair so her eyes could be fixed on me, I gave her the thumbs up signaling I was ready.

She grinned, immediately getting my signal as she slowly and carefully pulled her skirt down, it was a bit amusing that she was already hard again.

She wrapped her hand around the base of her cock, guiding it towards my mouth.

Her tip was pushed against my lips, I reluctantly opened my mouth as I slowly started taking the tip of her cock.

I could barely hear her, but she definitely moaned softly. I knew she was trying hard to suppress her lewd noises in front of her class, which made me smile.

I was about halfway through her cock, bobbing my head up and down at a safe pace.

I gagged as I felt her hand push down the back of my head, forcing me to take her whole, I gagged and let a few tears trickle down the side of my face.

"Fuck.."

She groaned quietly.

I could tell she was close on how much she was tensing up, so I pulled my head away from her and instead used my hand to stroke her.

I grinned as I whispered, "Cum for me Ms Kirigiri.."

It wasn't long until she finally came all over my mouth and chest. It was going to be hard to clean off, but other than that, the pleasure was enough for me to be satisfied.

I looked up at her with a soft smile.

She then grabbed a pen from a drawer and started writing on a piece of paper.

A moment later, she handed me a folded piece of paper.

I opened it as it read, "You're my favorite student."

She was now my favorite teacher.

link to the > banner < i used for this post

[hopelesslyromanticgay]

An Americano, Please? Part 3

Word count: 1.3K A/N: Just an FYI, I don't usually upload twice a day, I just felt particularly inspired today. As always, italics in quotation marks signify the speaking is using romanian dialect.

Y/N's POV:

I gotta admit. It hurt when Jenna didn't send me a text immediately. It's been two days, and still nothing.

Maybe it was a meaningless banter. Oh well. I guess I just really thought something could come out of it.

"What are you sulking about?" Nessa asks me one day after our shift. 

"I'm not sulking, I'm just a little sad because I didn't get a text from someone," I explain, "It's not like she owed me a text or anything, but I don't have to be ecstatic over the fact that she hasn't done so."

"Oh my god, you're into the American one," Nessa exclaims, "I knew it! I mean, she's gorgeous. Like if I were into girls I would definitely be into her." I take a sip of my cortado (half espresso, half milk) as I listen.

"Well in any case, she's probably not interested."

"Stop sulking, Y/N," Nessa scolds me, "Let's do something fun. Gotta get your mind off of this girl."

Since our shift just ended, and we have a whole afternoon ahead of us, Nessa and I take her car to Predeal, the closest thing to a modern city we have around here.

It's about seven miles, so about twenty minute drive. The town's mostly filled with ski resorts, but there's a few fun places to shop.

A great deal of the afternoon is spent sitting outside a store judging the tourists. 

"Oh my god she's probably saying something stupid like, 'I know it's winter but my husband will love this hawaiian T-shirt I bought in Romania,'" Nessa mimics the normal thought process of the typical tourist.

"This guy's even worse though,"  I stifle a laugh, mocking his actions.

After a thorough mockery of all of the Predeal tourists, we head back to our town, content with our afternoon.

I still haven't stopped thinking about Jenna, though. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. It's so nice to finally have someone I can talk to in English.

All I can do is hope that she comes back to the shop. Even then though, she probably won't want much to do with me.

Nessa drops me off at my apartment, waving goodbye. Almost instantly, I shed my winter coat, relieved by the warmth of the building.

The first thing I do is turn on the TV and open Netflix. A new baking show just dropped, and I'm not the type to turn down new entertainment.

The show turns out to be a combination of baking and engineering. It seems cool, but it's hard to tell from the first episode.

My phone lights up with a bright reminder Remember to feed Cupid!

Sighing, I get up from the couch and grab my fish flakes.

Cupid is my purple betta fish. She's about a year old and as of yet hasn't had too many health issues, which is super lucky for both of us. She's at the point where she recognizes my face. So when I go up to the tank, fish feed in hand, she eagerly swims up to the glass.

"Hey Cupid," I laugh, sprinkling some food into the tank.

After feeding her, I head back to the couch, where I continue watching my cooking show. Before I know it, I'm five episodes in and the sun is starting to set. I look out of the window, trying to gauge the temperature and weather condition.

It's a fairly clear twilight right now. There's a good chance I'll get to see stars tonight. Actually, I've decided I will see stars tonight.

I don my winter coat and make my way down the apartment complex stairs. One of the perks of not living in a huge city is that I can see the night sky beautifully.

One of my favorite places in town is on the outer edges of it. At this point, all of the buildings are housing, be it apartments or actual houses. The long stretches of pavement are perfect for strolling down while admiring the night. 

Not a lot of people choose to come out here late at night, which is honestly their loss. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm super into nature and the great outdoors, but when I am outside, I can find an appreciation for my surroundings.

So that's how I found myself strolling the streets of Bușteni Romania, not looking at the cement in front of me.

BAM! I find myself crashing into another person, almost knocking both of us over.

"Fuck, I am so sorry," I find myself defaulting to english, "I- I mean, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Y/N?" A familiar voice asks.

"Jenna?" It may be dark, but I can just barely see the details of her face. God I hope she's not mad.

"Yep, it's me," I hear her faintly laugh.

"Are you okay? I almost knocked you over."

"I'm okay, just a little rattled."

"Sorry for that again," I apologize, "I should have been watching where I was going." 

"You could make it up to me by walking me to my apartment?" she offers.

"I'd like nothing more," I laugh, linking my arm with hers and we start to walk.

"So, Y/N, tell me about yourself," she starts the conversation.

"Well, my name's Y/N L/N, I work at a coffee shop. I speak English and Romanian, which is useful for when people like you come to the shop."

"I know that stuff," she interrupts me, "what do you like to do outside of work?"

"You know, the normal things, be around the people I care about, watch shows, I read sometimes, listen to music, that kind of stuff. What about you?"

"Well for starters, I'm Jenna Ortega, I also love to read and listen to music," she tells me, "I also like to write though, I have like, twenty scripts and stories sitting in my FinalDraft™ folder."

"Damn, you must really like writing," I respond, "that's pretty awesome."

"I guess so," she shrugs.

"Have you ever considered publishing your work?" I ask.

"Yeah, I actually published a book called It's All Love," she answers proudly.

"That's like, the coolest thing anyone's said to me all day," I tell her.

"I guess I'm just a cool person," she jokes, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, only an arrogant person would say that."

"No, you have reason to say, it. You're a published author, the lead in a TV show, and fun to talk to. Don't discredit your own awesome-ness." 

She laughs, "thanks for saying that."

"Sure thing." 

"So, does your offer to take me around town sometime still stand?" she changes the subject.

"I'm a woman of my word, Jenna, if you still want a tour, you have my number," I remind her, trying to sound kind and cool at the same time. Which is kind of challenging.

"Oh my god, I forgot to text you, didn't I," she gasps, "I'm so so sorry, Y/N. I've just had so much going on." She starts to talk herself into a panic, "I have work for like, eight hours a day, plus cello lessons, plus german and fencing, it's just so much." If I had known how busy she was I never would have felt so hurt. That must be so overwhelming.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm not mad about it." Which is true. 

"That's such a relief," she exhales, "again, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, Jenna, it's okay. How about the next time you have a day off, we get in touch and I take you around town."

"Well, conveniently enough, my next day off is tomorrow, so how about I see you then?" she offers.

"I wouldn't be opposed to that," I smile, doing my best to hide how excited I am for this.

"Well this is my place," she announces, "thank you for walking me home." 

"Anytime," I reply, sad to know the night is ending. She heads through the door to her apartment, leaving me to walk the short five minutes to my apartment alone.

As soon as I get home, I dash to my bedroom, putting on pyjamas and getting ready for bed. I'm tired from the day. At at the same time, I'm so happy I got to see Jenna. I'm so excited that she wants to see me again, maybe tomorrow! I can't wait to get to know her better.

My phone lights up with a text from a new number

                       +1 ***-***-****

Does 11 AM tomorrow work for you?

-Jenna

I smile, quickly texting back 

                               Sure thing, see ya then :)

I can hardly wait.

[fanficsiwillneverwrite]

Gravity Falls: See You Next Summer

What is the scariest part of growing up? Is it the process of you changing and growing, or is it seeing the people closest to you also change? I thought I had all this stuff figured out last year, but the world is chaos, crazier than I could ever imagine. Crazier than Bill could ever create. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me, for everyone.

I thought I’d be happy being back. And I am. I’ve actually been counting the days. The guys back home are still and will always be brutes (bullies, despite everything) and the girls want nothing to do with me. But now going back, I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I can’t wait to see everyone. But…

Who will I become, even after everything? And is it wrong for me to admit sometimes I do want to see this world burn? I’m not going to… obviously I don’t actually want to

In my worst moment can I still trust myself to make the right decision? I don’t know.

Grunkle Ford says not to worry, about him coming back. I’m not sure I believe him. I’m not sure he believes himself. I think, maybe…

Well, think of it this way:

Like the sun is meant to set and then rise again the next morning, like a flashlight is meant to give you light when there’s only darkness, Bill is always going to find a way to come back.

—

Dipper stops his shaking hand, deciding to look out the window before the thought consumes his mind. Sometimes he obsesses over it. He dreams about shaking his stone hand and seeing the world collapse into utter chaos. It’s always a trick. He never means to actually do it. But he can just get so angry sometimes…

“You seem so quiet,” reflects Mabel beside him, a glue stick in one hand and a polaroid picture of a blurry tree in the other. She’s scrapbooking their journey back to Gravity Falls.

The song Mr. Rager starts on the radio. Dad turns it up, nodding his head to the beat. He remains unaware of the weirdness that is Gravity Falls. He remains unaware of Grunkle Ford and the truth behind the Stan brothers. It’s safer this way, Ford says—Dipper isn’t too sure. It feels wrong keeping everything from him.

He closes his journal. “It’s just–”

“We’re winding down here, kids,” dad tells them as they pass a sign saying, ‘Gravity Falls: 5 miles,’ and Dipper adjusts Wendy’s hat. It reeks of sweat and generic men’s body spray. Just another part of growing up. All perfectly natural, dad tells him after Mabel teases him about it.

The thought is already gone. He moves on, no longer dwelling on the world’s impending doom, and him being the possible cause of it. They’re one year older, which means one year wiser. Right?

“It’s… nothing,” he tells her.

Mabel, not quite believing him, continues scrapbooking as Dad starts singing along to the song, even though he doesn’t know the words. And Dipper looks down at his journal: the big dipper is glued onto the cover to embrace his own anomaly, like Ford.

A nervousness settles within him. He pictures Bill tipping his top hat and holding up a martini glass in his honor. Here’s looking at you, kid, he says.

Dipper shivers, blinking the thought away. His attention returns to the window. The blurry trees are all that he sees. He begins nodding his head to the beat of the song with his dad. It’s all in his head. It’s all in his head…

[jmdbjk]

Golden

Kookie had a runny nose. He said when he's just hanging out with nothing to do he's fine but as soon as things start ramping up and getting hectic, the cold that won't go away comes back. Jimin was on to something when he said he was concerned about Jungkook staying healthy with such a busy schedule.

As usual he has stayed true to himself and I admire that a person of his age can be so honest about himself.

He was trying to keep it real and said things to lower everyone's expectations: About writing songs, he said he can't really write songs. He said he just doesn't have it in him. He said when he tries it always ends up being about Army.

He wondered if it was because he was so simple. This is what makes me love him as just a human being: he says things about himself that WE might not agree with but that he feels about himself. He's just so honest and unpretentious, and he doesn't even try to be that, he just is himself.

He said he thinks he doesn't have the intellect and that he doesn't have anything to write about, and if he HAD things to write about, he couldn't say them prettily and that there are so many other talented creators that he would just fall short. He mentioned RM, Yoongi, Hobi... they are so talented.

It is understandable that Kookie, being last, he saw what the other members did, and truly, it had to be intimidating. He may never feel confident enough but I bet if he gives it a try he’ll do great.

All of what he said adds another nuance as to why he said “something amazing" is coming when he did that live back in March and Set Me Free Pt 2 was about to drop. He saw how hard Jimin worked through that process and the end result WAS amazing. Intimidating indeed.

Perhaps he still needs to live some life before he can have enough emotional baggage to pour out some lyrics (lol). Give it time, Kookie, life will throw some shit at you. Or maybe expressing whatever is inside of him will never come out in words to a song. And its ok. Not everyone is a songwriter or poet.

I can accept this album as "this is where he is in his life right now". He said they worked fast. That's a lot to accomplish in the amount of time from start to finish.

My thoughts on the songs...

The lyrics to several of these songs are a little ... meh..., sort of disconnected. THAT BEING SAID... I can see some lyrics that probably did resonate with him.

But I am not going to focus so much on the lyrics but more on JK's vocal work and think about how he was trying to sing and pronounce well. THAT is what he was trying to do. He said lyrics are lyrics and images are images... they are not meant to be autobiographical so the lyrics will be secondary to the vocal production for me.

Jungkook explained that the pronunciation was a challenge. The producers each had their own idea of how the lyrics should be delivered to achieve the color of the song. English not being JK's first language, he was coached on what to do in the studio. He said especially pronouncing the "EEE" sound was a challenge.

I recognize some sounds that seem trendy. Some of the songs remind me of other songs I've heard in the past by other artists.

Closer has that flute and Afro beat that reminds me of another song but I just can't remember it right now.

Standing Next to You is giving me Michael Jackson Rock With You from his Off the Wall album or Remember the Time off his Dangerous album. A rockin' groove... "... when it's deep like DNA..." and "leave your body golden like the sun and the moon..." yes, those lyrics definitely resonate.

Yes or No, I can definitely hear the Ed Sheeran throughout that song. A nice song about that first thrill of love. Ed Sheeran is a great song writer. I've always liked his work.

Please Don't Change would probably be the song that comes closest to expressing how Jungkook feels about his fans. Though his life has been spent on camera, things might change and if he's no longer on camera, he'll still be the same but he hopes we please don't change. This song also has the same little flute sound as Closer.

Hate You. This is the Shawn Mendes song. It is one of those angsty relationship songs that are popular now like what Olivia Rodrigo and her ilk does. If Jungkook had not gotten this song, I could see it easily going to a female artist. It's quite painful. Kookie does a great job expressing the tragic drama of it all with his vocals.

Somebody is where he really lets loose with his range. Its a sad song. Like many, his opening lines had me doing a double take. I don't think we've ever heard Jungkook sing in this tone before? Very nice.

Too Sad To Dance. This is the kind of song I think Jungkook could write. It is simple and straightforward. The song is cute and poignant at the same time. He was able to keep his tone simple to match the vibe, he didn’t try to make it over the top… I love this song especially the very last line: "...you don't need no one to dance..." Stand on your own and be yourself, just like Kookie is doing.

Shot Glass Full of Tears is the best song on the album. There, I said it. He really reached down and brought JUST enough edge into his voice to pull it off. I could actually get emotional over this song. I will repeat, this is the best song on the album.

Well done, Jungkook.

Overall, Kookie is relieved the pressure is off. Now he can get out there and do what he’s knows he can do and that’s performing

And then he said it again: BTS is the most important thing to him.

Kookie knew he had to do this album. And now he's done it and ready to move forward.

When he finally realized Tae had commented:

The panic over his house not being clean hahahahahah!

Because he wasn't sure what kind of chaos they were going to bring to his house, Kookie ended the live in a stress-clean panic.

My, what a turn of events... not long ago he was laying in bed naked causing mayhem trying to convince Jimin to let him come over and take a shower and now here they come to his house bringing trouble LMAO!

I hope they had a great evening together. I loved seeing Tae and Jimin out and about, it really hits a spot in my heart.

A little while ago, I picked up a copy of Golden at Target, I don't know which photo card is the Target exclusive but this is what I got:

It's a nice package with a hard cover photo book and a case it slides into. The stickers are nice. Jungkook was wearing an earring with the that motif so I suppose it will show up as merch on the Weverse shop soon.

Anyway, that's my review of Golden.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Using the internet and technology with high needs autism

I have been trying to put this into words for a while, but due to the exact thing I am making the post about, it has been very difficult.

First of all, a short (ish - I am not the best at concise) background of me and technology: Used to play games on dad's phone, and later watch YouTube videos on family tablet (with parent restrictions). However, ability to navigate devices was very limited, and if something went wrong I just panic and give to an adult.

We used computers a bit in school for work and educational games. Every time we went to the "computer area" I would cry because I knew I wouldn't be able to find the webpage on my own, or sign in to something, or type in a word document. At these times in school, usually another pupil would just sigh loudly and then come and do the computer thing for me over my shoulder.

I had an MP3 player that I got for I think my 8 or 9th birthday. The only thing I knew how to do, was play music and google search. But I still didn't really understand what a "link" was, or how to find important information. We were supposed to learn online research skills in school, but nobody ever explained the most simple stuff to me, so I lack the basic knowledge.

I got my first phone at age 10. This was when I also first get Instagram, my first social media (parents set up for me). I was in a group chat for my school year, but the only time I put a message there is when mum asked me to ask a question, about a non-uniform day for example. Nobody interacted with me in there, and apart from the messages I don't know how to navigate the app. I posted a few pictures a few times, but only when someone else recommended, and I didn't interact online.

I have poor language comprehension, slow processing and take longer to learn new skills. My computer skills and especially typing skills are majorly behind my peers. I have slowly learned some skills allowing me to be even on Tumblr in the first place, but I still need a lot of support and it makes me very anxious. Part of my difficultly on social media, is the social interacting part. Mostly due to low interest.

But my biggest challenge is poor comprehension. I get very anxious and upset when I come onto Tumblr and all the posts I try to read don't make sense to me. Especially when the post is about a topic I care about - if I read it and I can't know what people mean, then I will just be very upset for the rest of the day.

Second biggest challenge, not being able to express opinions on important topics. Often, I can't even understand something. Then, I can't form an opinion because it's too complex. Or, I have an opinion, but I don't understand if someone agree or disagree with me from what they write.

I work so hard to gain skills and learn enough to even be here, and then all I can find about people like me is other people arguing about our existence. Want to express my frustration at this. To even write this post I had support from mum, and it takes all my mental energy.

It is true that I have low interest in socialising - direct impact of autism. So social media maybe not best place in the world for me, by default. But I still want to understand and be included. Not be treated like place to just ask "am I counting as high support needs". I don't understand even my own needs enough to answer this for myself - I definitely can't answer for anyone else.

A lot of my challenges, come direct from autism. That's just a fact. Wish it was easier, very often. But also wish it was easier online - I can't be part of outside community, only online.

I post here to express thoughts and feelings, that is also just what this post is doing. I did less big big edit on my words this time, wanted words to be closest to how I think it (don't think in words so not possible to show abstract thoughts direct, but closest to first translation).

[sweettjrose]

Nobody asked me to do this and yet I'm doing it anyways...

I'm gonna explain why I ship Blotis...

Now before you say anything I am 100% aware that this is a crack ship and honestly doesn't have much evidence for it even less than usual for a gay Disney ship. Tbh I was introduced to it because so people made some art for it and I thought it was interesting and then as I played around with the idea more in my head, I started to like it and eventually form a story around it.

I think one of the big appeals for the relationship is just how unique of an idea it is. It's definitely not the first ship you think of when reading the comics which is probably why most people don't think of it at all. But even just the concept is kind of out there. I mean you have a costumed phantom thief paired with a mad scientist? That doesn't really happen with the closest ship I can think of being Voxman (From OK KO) but even that's still a bit different.

But while it is out there it's not like it makes zero sense at all. I mean while I'm not aware of any comic interactions that could hint to any possible feelings, I could still see it happening with some version of themselves. I mean they do have similar interests. The most obvious being the fact that they are criminals who scheme ways to obtain massive amounts of money and power.

But even beyond that both of them have an interest in science and technology and using it to devise all sorts of inventions. Both of them are pretty intelligent and have devised all sorts of weird scientific contraptions. But what's cool about that is while they go about it in different ways. Portis is more of a scientist, interested in the process and theory behind it, while Blot is more of an engineer, more interested in the application.

Together they form sort of a symbiotic relationship as they both can help build on each other's knowledge and skills to both get what the other needs and further build on their own plans. But even the fact that they excel in different areas kind of gives an opposite attracts vibes. As one is associated more with refinement and wealth, and the other feels more associated with "grunginess" in my interpretation sorry Portis and doing the best with what he has. I can see them both introducing eachother to a completely different way of living, but also connect in some areas like both being somewhat introverts.

But what I think is also cool about this relationship is also how it affects their relationships with other people. The Phantom Blot works quite a bit with Pete, but he alternates between seeing him as a decent partner or not really respecting him and betraying him the first chance he gets. However that starts to change if he has feelings for Pete's cousin, as now that will affect how he is able to treat Pete. He can't just betray him anymore. It ties him about closer to groups they tend to be a part of and affects how he has to interact with them.

Plus I think it would be interesting to see how the Blot's reputation would affect Portis and his relationship with other characters. There's are quite a few who aren't a bit fan of the Blot and it would be interesting for them to explore how to get around that.

But on another note, I actually think that their relationship is one of the few ones that they would be comfortable with having. I feel like one of the biggest reasons why both would avoid romance is because it could give someone a way to threaten and blackmail them. And it becomes worse if the partner isn't really part of the criminal underworld or capable of defending themselves. However they both are very familiar with the criminal underworld and can protect themselves rather well. So even if someone were to try to "kidnap" the other for blackmail, it wouldn't be easy and likely not worth it. Therefore allowing them to have a relationship without the typical fear and drawbacks. Though personally I think they would still keep their relationship on the down low so they have control over how it's percieved and just because they don't think everyone needs to know.

I could see some issues with their relationship. They both have pretty big egos and would have a hard time compromising in arguments. But that would make it more interesting imo.

But yeah that's my thoughts.

So there you have it.

Hopefully you can see the vision too.

This is long.

[queenofmalkier]

In regards to the arrow removal, I think a lot of people are not considering the context in which Nynaeve made the decision. And I am here to defend my wife, obvy.

For starters - they're going to Egwene, who Nynaeve refuses to think of as anything but 100% FINE AND OKAY AND DEFINITELY NOT TRAUMATIZED. And Egwene can channel which means she can heal.

Nynaeve spent enough time in the tower to basically see the impossible compared to her knowledge of healing before. Suddenly a lot of her knowledge is irrelevant because the one power can fix things better than she can with traditional medicine. Nynaeve is stubborn, but she takes healing seriously. She'll always choose the best option.

That informs her decision. The most important thing is getting Elayne off the active battlefield and to Egwene for healing. The closest I can think of is Star Trek - you wouldn't treat a wound when in ten minutes it's going to be gone, you just need to get the injured person to the doctor.

(Side note but I don't believe she had anything on her to even treat a wound at the time, either, given the sul'dam costume.)

Now, I've gone through a lot of first aid training due to various jobs I've held, so I'm right there with everyone saying not to take it out! You do not take the thing out. Never, ever, ever. Pulling/pushing it out can cause more damage and more bleeding and no one but a medical professional should be touching that sort of injury. This is a modern approach though! Remember, context.

I've seen a lot of people talking about her breaking the shaft before pushing it through, but that would actually be worse. There's no way to cleanly break the fletching away, which means by tugging it through she'd be introducing splinters of wood into the wound. Also the breaking is in regards to arrowheads, not the fletching.

The fletching (feathers on the back) is not actually the dangerous part of the arrow. I've seen some people say it was a crossbow bolt, but either way, from what we were shown the arrowhead itself had exited Elayne's leg already. If that was the case, pushing the shaft through wouldn't actually be harmful to her. It would hurt like hell, but it wouldn't cause any more damage.

I tried finding some actual sources for this specific scenario, but unfortunately most articles are focused on removing the arrowhead and not the shaft (and were also paywalled, boo). The closest I found was information from U.S. Army Surgeon Joseph H. Bill who essentially catalogued American Indian arrows as a way to determine the best removal technique.

He advised not applying traction to the shaft due to the likelihood of the arrowhead coming lose and remaining in the body, but I couldn't find what he advised if the arrowhead had already passed through the body although I did find this quote "An arrow may be pushed out as well as plucked out."

I DID find this lovely gentleman giving a very in depth discussion on medieval arrows as well as removal techniques and some of those are shove it through and hope for the best. (He also mentioned that healing the infection was what doctors and healers handled rather than wounds which... wow. Remind me to never be a medieval soldier in case I ever get that longing.)

So, yeah. I trust Nynaeve was right about her approach to the wound, and I feel like this is a case of a modern audience not trusting her knowledge because of our own knowledge of how those injuries are approached currently. I do think the scene could have been improved (in that regard) if they had Nynaeve explain her thought process, but overall, we got the point: Nynaeve felt like an utter failure, she couldn't help her friend, she couldn't do anything with all her alleged power. What good is she to her friends?

[jasper-the-menace]

Hey, since you're interested in scorpion biology, I thought you'd be interested in the idea of... intersex Chima scorpions! Well, sort of.

There's a specific character that's been bugging me a bit. Scutter is kind of the scorpion equivalent of a centaur; he has two torsos, one anthropomorphic, and another of the scorpion body. With scorpion anatomy in mind, it's easy to reach the conclusion that Scutter's reproductive organ would be heavily altered because of his body, making him intersex to a certain extent.

I hope this makes sense. I'm trying to look for possible trans rep in Chima characters (like in this example). What do you think of this idea?

Oh friend, you don't know the essay you just inspired.

You Opened This Can Of Worms, Now Lie In It

Some important bulletpoints before I get going, just to get all of my followers on the same page:

Disclaimer: I am a transgender nonbinary perisex individual. This means I am not intersexed (to my knowledge), I don't identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, and I don't identify as male or female. The closest thing to describing my gender is literally "no".

I am a strong advocate for making as many characters transgender as possible, regardless of "realism". That's why, in my own writing, half of the Scorpions are retroactively transgender (though they don't understand gender on the whole and most of them would probably be nonbinary if someone took fifteen minutes to explain gender, variable social constructs, and the concept of genitalia tying to gender roles) and also Razar is too on account of I said so.

Being intersexed does not inherently mean being transgender. There is a lot of discussion and individual choice between intersexed people about whether or not they're part of the queer community. It's a very individual thing, and I am not part of those discussions on account of not being intersex myself.

When it comes to humans and other beings with a level of sentience and sapience, the term "hermaphrodite" and its derivates are considered slurs. When talking about animals, hermaphrodite and its derivates are scientific terms. So in something like the Legends of Chima series and other humanoid-animal media, the proper term is "intersexed". (I noticed you used the term "intersex" in your ask, and I appreciate it!)

I know too much about scorpion mating and birth.

We're talking way too much about genitalia and gender tonight in regards to fictional characters.

I am genuinely delighted that you decided to drop in here to discuss this, because boy howdy do I have a lot of thoughts about transgender headcanons/representation and scorpions specifically! Scorpions are just. So damn cool.

Note for my fellow arachnophobes: There are no images attached to this post, but it's really easy to find videos of scorpions doing various things on YouTube, which is actually how I've been studying them.

Scorpion Sex, Mating, and Genitalia

Scorpions of both "genders" have genital opercula (singular: genital operculum), and their asses run up into their tails. In order to mate, they don't just do like horses. No no, buddy, they have a really weird, specific method!

In order to start wooing his potential mate, the male scorpion will lock chelae (pincers) with the female scorpion, and they will start to "dance". The male scorpion will drop a sperm packet onto the ground and lead the female scorpion over it. If the female scorpion is down, she'll basically squat and absorb the sperm packet into her body, which is then followed by a "mating plug" to keep it in while it does the fertilization thing.

(It's important to note that the courting process also contains "juddering", aka the male scorpion doing the dance that the stickbug meme did, and may also contain clerchical "kisses". Honestly, pretty romantic for an arachnid. And possibly tail-rubbing and sexual stinging. Scorpions are very kinky!)

(It's also important to note that some species of scorpions have been reported, though not reliably, to reproduce through parthogenesis.)

Post-coitus cannibalism has not been scientifically seen in scorpions, so the male scorpion is generally safe as long as he scadoodles.

Gestation in some scorpion species can last over a year, and different species can have anywhere from 2 to 100 little scorplings - the physical size of the scorpion is not necessarily tied to how many babies they'll have.

Also, scorpions give live birth!

The baby scorpion is essentially folded like a Fedex package and launched out of the womb. It will then unfold and climb on top of the mother to make way for its next sibling. These will hang onto the mother until their first molt, which happens as a group and launches them into the juvenile stage. After this, they will still stay with their mothers until their carapace finishes hardening and gaining color, at which point they hunt prey on their own and will wander off on their own terms.

Hey, Jasper, That's Pretty Fucked Up, But How Does This Tie Into Chima?

I'm getting there, hold your centaur scorpions!

This is where we get into the worldbuilding of the Legends of Chima series, the Character Encyclopedia, and our poor boy Scutter.

See, the Legends of Chima as a series is very much a product of its time. There is some rife ableism and questionable word choices in regards to the Crawlers (and Sir Fangar, but this isn't about him). According to the Character Encyclopedia, Scutter is "less evolved". There's a looong history of racism in using phrases like "evolution" in regards to other humans, so taking that and applying it to an animal world leaves us with some very strange dissonance, because it's used in Chima to mean animals turned into a more humanoid form by the Chi.

Because really, what is the Chi? It's a magical substance that, depending on how you read it, could be the animist spirit of the land (I say, as an animist myself), or it could be drugs. Or it could be any number of other things! I know one person who writes Chi as the blood of dead gods, which is metal as fuck!

Ultimately, it depends on how one is writing the Chi that makes the usage of phrases like "less evolved" more or less questionable than it was intended. We're all dragging around the corpse of a Lego theme across our writing desks anyway. And the way I go about answering the question of "what is Chi" is definitely different from others. (Again, see the dead god blood part.)

The question of whether or not the Scorpion Tribe, namely Scutter, would count as intersexed relies on 1) defining intersexuality in regards to genitalia arrangement (scorpions don't have penises and vaginas by default; and the Wikipedia article on scorpions just uses "genital orfice" or "genital opercula"); 2) determining if the Chi has magically changed how genitalia works for Scorpions (admittedly, I do this because I didn't want to have to use the term "genital opercula" over and over); 3) determining the humanization extent of the Scorpion Tribe as you write them (I lean more towards human than you do, just from what I've seen of your work); and 4) deciding if such terminology even exists in Chima.

But looking at Scutter and going with the assumption that the back end is fully scorpion... No, I wouldn't count him as intersex by default. Intersex implies landing between the two human biological extremes (which, as we all know, is not as cut-and-dry as high school biology taught us), when really he's kind of a secret third thing (a Scorpion who probably doesn't have either a penis or a vagina).

(Of course, there's also what you said, paraphrased to my own wording: the Chi may have just decided to fuck up this poor man's genital situation and do a half-ass job.)

That's not to say he can't be trans. I mean, I made Scorm and about half of the Scorpion Tribe trans already. That's also not to say they're not all trans by default, considering scorpions without the ability to think wouldn't have the concepts of genders anyway.

Okay Jasper, So How Do You Write Him?

So, here's the thing. I'm aromantic-asexual, and I also write smut and, to a lesser extent, romance, which means I think about fictional character genitalia too much. But thinking about Scutter has left me utterly baffled.

On one hand, I usually write the Chi as a magical animist force of the land of Chima on the whole, and part of that is that the Chi tries to get everyone on the same playing field, physically speaking, which is how we get retroactive transgender man Scorm in my Tales of Chima series.

On the other hand, look at him. Look at him. He's a centaur arachnid. I know he can pass the Harkness Test, but I still feel weird thinking about his genitalia. If I go with my theory of the Chi giving everyone penises and vaginas at random, then I don't want to think about how much that would get in the way for the poor boy! On the other hand, his lower body is still mostly scorpion instead of, well, Scorpion, so who's to say he doesn't have a genital operculum?

Too Long, Don't Want Details About Scorpion Sex

Alright, spoilsport. Here's your TLDR:

It genuinely depends on what the Chi does in your version of the story and how bad it fucks up. It depends on how dedicated you are to scientific accuracy. It depends on how much you want to think about scorpion genitals.

And being intersex is not necessarily trans rep, unless it is, unless it isn't. I'm not intersexed, so I'm not going to say what that falls on myself. There is an intersex pride flag that was created by Morgan Carpenter in 2013.

Trans characters can exist outside of being intersexed, you don't have to conflate the two in order to have transgender representation. Just hit the characters with the Transgenderinator 5000 Beam. Fuck realism, this is a series about walking talking animal people. Who's going to stop you? The fun police? Transphobes? Eat them.

Further Reading

Start at Wikipedia and go from there through its sources for anything of particular interest:

Intersex flag (in case you're curious about it and its history, which can also launch you into further reading about humans being intersex)

Scorpion (morphology section)

Scorpion (mating subsection)

Scorpion (birth and development subsection)

So, uh, yeah! Thanks for coming to me with these questions, it's really touching that you value my thoughts this much, and I love talking about my boys and scorpions and the complicated web! I apologize for any errors or too-crass sections, because I wrote most of this in one sitting after playing wayyy too much Skyrim today.

~Jasper

[existential-feelings]

(Friendly reminder that everything said in this is fictional, I myself (the creator) am 100% okay, this is joke drama, I am in a stable living condition and everything said besides this little warning is all staged.)

'' So . I would like to come clean about a few things that have been speculating recently . This is honesty . This is going to be me wearing my heart on my sleeve as I talk about what's been going on with me outside of my job . And damn it , if my identity is revealed in the process , I don't care . As long as I give what friends I have left , some closure . ''

'' to explain the . . Images going around , I was staying at a friend's house for the time being . Moneys been really tough for me recently , and I hate going out and asking for assistance with any step of it . He offered for me to stay over , said I wouldn't need to get rid of my cat . . So I took the bait after being convinced . Just until I can get back on my feet and not have debt being dangled above my head . During the night , yes , there was some romance shared between me and the other man , who happened to be a cop . I haven't experienced something like that in years , he was so kind to me , even after learning who I was . I slept on that cops couch , ate his food , you know why ? Because he gave me an opportunity to be in a better living situation until I can afford a better spot on my own . It was the best option I could see to get my pet and myself into a better environment , instead of an apartment building that has a problem with looking clean . ''

'' I never wanted to turn to crime for that extra assistance with rent , but I just could not keep up with the demand for money at the end of each week . I have been working as a cop for the last 5 or so years , I'm balancing that with crime . And no , before more shit starts , I haven't shared , said , or shown anything to anyone . Neither of my occupations really know who I am , and I'd like for it to stay that way . The friends and people I have met through CRIMES are ones I don't think I can ever forget , they're probably the closest thing I will ever have to consider family . And I'm truly , deeply sorry if my actions that night had caused this family to be pulled apart . ''

'' . . . Alright , I'm cutting the ' nice ' bullshit . ' not naming names ' is off the table .''

'' I mean , I do care about this crew at the end of the day , but all this because I actually have a social life ? Hello ? ? Not to fucking mention , you ( you know who you are . ) invaded some guy's apartment security system and somehow found me chilling with him , I wasn't even on the clock . You're actually mental If you think I'm okay with this sort of stalking , , harassment ? ? What would this even be considered . . Anywho , I'd kiss that cloaker a million times over . People are acting like I told this guy everything there is to know about the gang . You know I'm NOTHING like that , for fucks sake , can we use our heads to think ? And y'know , I was snooping around in what files that CRIMES has about me . And , I found a lot of information that I have never admitted to anyone on this job ! Most of it is absolute bull , too ! I'm flattered you thought I had a loving family and got a degree in Harvard . I also found my face , countless times in that whole file all about me ! Ain't that funny , I don't remember sharing photos of me out partying outside of work ? Yet , here those photos are , me in a sparkly black dress . I took these photos on my actual phone , not my work phone . So if this company is so insistent on knowing everything they can get their hands on about one of their best spies , even after I had signed an agreement to only have documented what I approved on , then this company ain't for me ! :) ''

'' and don't worry , I already did you all the favor of deleting the files . I stole a hard drive and input all of my information onto it , you're left with nothing about me , not even my mask design is in that database any more . And y'know , I'd be more than willing to work for Shade and all these other people if a better option wasn't available . I am not on bad terms with anyone who is a part of CRIMES . I'll obviously still be in contact with my friends , that won't change . I do feel bad for whatever trust I have ' broken ' from this , but at the same time , people are gonna have opinions on you no matter what you do . ''

'' this absolute bias bullshit , you have a heister sucking face with a dozer and nobody says shit , but the second a woman goes with a cloaker ? fOr ShAmE ? ? ''

'' I am now working for a much better , human , man that I so happen to be very close with . My inbox will remain open for those who want to still say hello . I think that covers everything I wanted to say , I'm probably gonna quit ! ! 🫶 ''

[faafi]

hope you enjoy this post for christmas eve!

I hope to post a Tech x Rev one shot tomorrow. As an autistic person, I've always been crummy with writing punctually, so apologies if my writing takes a while for my longer fic. I could explain more about problems with my writing process, but it mostly is about executive dysfunction. I've always been poor with fulfilling promises. Oh well.

But rest assured that I am still working on the big fic. The one shot will be posted tomorrow (on my AO3 account: Faafi05).

thoughts:

we all live for rip angst

i can't describe why, but rip always felt like such a tragic character; their entire presence on screen was based around validation from ralph who only appreciated rev :(

I headcanon Rip as genderfluid and aroace. In terms of the episode, I theorize that Ralph’s dismissal of Rip was a deliberate action done in order to “get at” Rip. To me, the moments when Ralph "doesn't notice" Rip feel way too intentional. And so, my depressing headcanon is that Rip told Ralph that they are/suspect that they are genderqueer, resulting in Ralph becoming more contemptuous towards Rip.

In regard to the background music, the song is called "Sandy" by Alex G. For transcribing the lyrics, I didn’t know what age to put for Rip; I chose 18 for the lyrics since it sounded the closest to “14” and it is a plausible age.

I think that it was a missed opportunity on behalf of the Loonatics unleashed writers to not show more stuff about the loonatics’ personal lives. Of course, not every character really needed their own family episode; however, it would have been greatly appreciated if there was more exposition about the characters and their lives before the meteor; at the very least, it’s a shame that the parts that we were shown weren't expanded on more.

[cthulhu-with-a-fez]

Hey how do u know if u wanna be a boy in a cis way or a trans way? I’m a girl btw

alright so i'm gonna preface this by saying that i'm... probably not the best authority on What Makes A Man(TM), considering that i'm not one, and that no answer i give is going to catch every relevant topical nuance? but i know i've talked a bit in the tags about my personal blend of cis+ gender-woogity, so i'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that's what you're asking about!

it got pretty long, so i put it under the cut :D

there's two ways i tend to approach my assessment of my gender, which for purposes of this ask let's call "diagnostic" and "diegetic".

the diagnostic approach is more or less what it sounds like - comparing and contrasting what i understand gender to be, denotatively and connotatively and culturally, with what my sense of my own gender is, and trying to figure out what feels closest to me and why. this has been influenced pretty heavily by two posts i've seen floating around over the years but can't for the life of me find right now.

one of them is just a quote to the effect of "consistently wishing you were a different gender is a pretty strong indicator of being that gender." and it makes sense, right? human intuition, gut feeling like that, is made of a million little deductions about the world relative to yourself that you don't consciously process all of, but which make themselves known however they can. if you're a girl but you keep finding yourself thinking "man, i wish i was a boy," that might be your brain doing behind-the-scenes pattern recognition about being a boy and trying to flag your attention towards it.

which isn't to say that it's an infallible tell, gut feelings are not always correct, let alone accurate! even when they are, you're getting, like. fortune cookie amounts of information about things that might require thesis paper amounts. but that's where you have to take a level in metacognition and think about why you think about or respond to something the way you do. or, to quote discworld,

“First Thoughts are the everyday thoughts. Everyone has those. Second Thoughts are the thoughts you think about the way you think. People who enjoy thinking have those. Third Thoughts are thoughts that watch the world and think all by themselves. They’re rare, and often troublesome. Listening to them is part of witchcraft.”

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

figuring out the why of your own responses is good for tons of non-gender-related reasons, but it's especially helpful with those kind of vague but persistent I Feel A Way About This thoughts. if you're a girl and you keep thinking "man, i wish i were a boy", there's a lot of reasons you might think that! for legit gender reasons, yeah, but it might also be "i wish i were a boy because their clothes look better" or "i wish i were a boy because then i wouldn't get cat-called" or "because they get paid more" or "because no one assumes they can't pick up heavy things" or more. some of them are aesthetic things, some of them are cultural misogyny things, all of them are relevant and valid! but it also makes it a little harder to tell how heavily gender-weighted they are in general - you can be mad about the pay gap and and explore a more masculine silhouette while still robustly being a woman.

(though, pro tip about the clothes? regardless of your genderfeel, men's section jeans are where it's at. huge pockets. not made of tissue paper. sized with actual waist/inseam measurements instead of a random number revealed to a women's fashion exec in a vision. cannot recommend them strongly enough. have pocket. be free.)

that brings us to the second post that i regrettably can't find, and another excellent diagnostic tool!

it was a comment written by a trans man in a longer thread about gender identity, talking about something that helped him distinguish between 'cultural misogyny sucks' thoughts and 'i am not a woman' thoughts. he definitely explained it more eloquently, but his rule of thumb was "would this upset me if it happened to me, but not to a female friend?"

for example, if someone holds the door for a girl and calls her "ma'am," all courteous manners, that would probably not be an issue for most women! but if you aren't a woman, or you're starting to not feel like one, it might not feel so comfortable an interaction.

i've learned to use that as a baseline for a problem management system for "i wish i was..." thoughts like those - it really does help to distinguish between external circumstance thoughts wearing a gender envy hat vs actual gender envy thoughts hiding under an external-circumstance hat, especially when there's multiple confounding factors involved. for example, let's go back to the clothes thing for a second!

i've always had a bit of a contentious relationship with clothes shopping, which in hindsight was a combination of personal aesthetic, sensory issues, body image issues, and gender issues. trying to develop my aesthetic was hard, especially back when "department store girls' section" was my only real choice and the best i ever hoped for was a grudging least-worst option just to get it over with. this has since changed! i have experienced presentation euphoria! i have a style now that feels comfortable and makes me happy! but it was a steep climb to get there until i learned how to identify what made the least-worst option least worst and move closer to it.

sometimes it's easy, like "this fabric is soft but the color is hideous" so find a different color, or "it's too tight across the chest because it was designed for someone skinny" so try a different size, or "this is just blatantly not-my-aesthetic" so move on. but sometimes it's "i'm getting steadily more upset trying to find a dress that i don't hate on my body despite them looking and feeling just fine on the hanger," and that one's a little tougher.

because on one hand, part of it really was the body image issues. i don't need to shop plus-size, but there's still something really disheartening about basically every retail outlet's 'normal' size range heavily implying that i'm only barely thin enough to be worth catering to, you know? fatphobia in the fashion industry is a whole different other conversation that we're not having right now, but it heavily contributed to some non-gender-related body dysphoria that's played first-chair tuba in my brain for a long time.

but on the other hand, looking at myself in a mirror wearing a dress and really hating it wasn't entirely about my body in a dress - it was also about my body in a dress. it didn't really click until a good friend of mine invited me to be in their wedding party, and said "we're not doing bridesmaid's dresses, just bridal party colors, wear whatever you feel most comfortable in as long as it matches!" and i spent ten seconds mentally gearing up for another godawful harrowing misery gauntlet of dress shopping -

and then stopped. because.

if i can wear something comfortable.

and a dress isn't.

...... what if i wore a suit?

and lo, i went to men's wearhouse and got slacks and a vest and a buttondown and a tie and it was amazing. i feel so fucking good in that outfit, i feel handsome and classy and confident in a way i literally never once in my life have felt while wearing a dress.

most of the time, people want things or don't-want things for a whole blend of reasons, and if there's one reason yelling loudest (hello, body-dysphoria tuba) it's often hard to tell what the rest of the factors are. but it's really, genuinely worth it to try and figure it out, even if you have to dig through a big old lump of stress and misery to get there - understanding yourself better and accepting what you find will only ever lead to quality-of-life improvements. sometimes it's as simple as refining your aesthetic some more, realizing "i can do better than grudging least-worst options" and navigating towards a wardrobe that you actually like!

but sometimes, it's realizing that your clothes don't make you feel good in the first place because they're expecting a kind of gender performance out of you that you can't comfortably give.

and that's where the "diegetic" part of my self-analysis kicks in.

the definition of "diegetic" is (of sound in a movie, television program, etc.) occurring within the context of the story and able to be heard by the characters. the score of a movie is non-diegetic, whereas the song playing on the radio during a driving scene is. how does this relate to my gender, you might ask?

well... perception.

i can be on as many levels of Advanced Gendermancy as i want, but that's all non-diegetic. myself as i am, occurring within the context of existing in public and able to be seen by the other people out there living life? i'm gonna get perceived as a gender, and i'm gonna get perceived as "girl," with maybe an addition of "... queer?" when i feel like making a statement with flannels. and that's okay with me. it's not a hardship to have people assume i'm a girl, because yeah, i'm a girl! ish! mostly! girl-lite, girl-as-default, noncommittal-wiggly-hand-gesture rounding-down-to-the-closest-answer girl.

but the thing is, i'm a carpenter. blue-collar union carpenter. women comprise... i think 2% of the construction workforce in my area. which means that just by existing on-site, i'm making all the guys remember that the gender binary exists because there's now a "them" for them to be an "us" about. i get called "miss kelly" like that's my whole name by the guys from my company who know me, and i get called "young lady" by guys from other companies who don't, and it's all very respectful and courteous, but... i don't want it. what i want is access to the "we're literally all men here so it doesn't even matter that we're men" gender space they have without me, which i can't have, because i am diegetically female in a male-dominated field. and if gender is a fluid, i'm a water balloon deforming under pressure, because the more frequently i get Gendered on-site - even when everyone's been nothing but polite about it, and certainly not intending any insult! - the more stressed-out i get in the same direction as wearing dresses made me feel. it's too much, too constrictive of an expectation that i do not meet, and i don't like it, and you know what helps?

chasing masculine presentation a little harder to make up for it.

being seen and Gendered masculinely, even if it's a little more than i would normally want, feels good because it's balancing the pH of my gender fluid again, and getting to have that is entirely dependent on someone else perceiving you and acting on that perception.

so that's part of it as well, beyond any interior exploration you can do. it isn't just about what you feel like, which is certainly important - it's also about the way people treat you relative to what you feel like. and it's hard, it's really really hard, to figure out what's right for you in that balance, especially if you don't know what's wrong in the first place.

it's like being blindfolded on a beach and told to find wheat grains scattered in the sand by touch alone. you know there's something good out there but not where it is or how to find it, only that you don't have it, and if you find wheat at all it's mixed in with so much sand you can hardly taste it anyway. if you're lucky, you bump into someone who's gone through it already who can take the blindfold off and show you how to sift for wheat instead of just eating a handful of sand and hoping, and that makes it easier, but for every one person like that there's a hundred more who've never had to try to pick wheat out of sand and can't tell the difference anyhow who think you're just not trying hard enough to live off of the """wheat""" you've been given.

i can't really tell you what it feels like to want to be a boy, because i'm not a boy and i don't really want to be? but i can tell you how i worked out the gender that i've got right now, and i hope it helps you anyway.

[spencerrscardigans]

Doctors often tell patients, often chronically ill patients to stay off the social media that talks about their illnesses and to not look stuff up, and i can understand why this may be problematic but they also aren’t taking into consideration the positives and good things that can also occur from this.

POTS and other chronic illnesses are having a higher social media presence, and because of this it’s created quite a big stigma surrounding it, and people often think that these illnesses are just becoming a trend, but they don’t understand how helpful the representation is for so many people.

I do often see people in the comment section of these videos who will have one or two traits and immediately panic thinking they have these things and i can understand how that part isn’t great, but in some cases it actually is these posts online that help people get diagnoses and learn more about themselves.

I would not have been diagnosed with POTS and getting treatment if it weren’t for social media, and my doctors don’t know much about POTS so most of the tips and advice and treatment methods that i’ve found have been from social media, and i would not be where i am without it.

I struggled with dysautonomia for my entire life, and it had been established by my one doctor who actually knew about these conditions but he retired and the new doctors i was switched too don’t know much about my health conditions, so getting diagnoses and treatment has been a very slow process.

My dysautonomia is believed to have turned into POTS in early 2021 after i got covid, and for over a year i was struggling with debilitating symptoms and had no idea why. I was just trying to survive high school, and all the sudden i was getting sicker and sicker and it was causing quite the divide socially.

I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and because of it i had already been limited in my physical activity, so i was just told that my POTS symptoms were because i was out of shape.

I tried to push myself to fix this, which only ended up making me feel worse. Sometime along the road of me trying to get more active, i got a fitbit.

I started using my watch to monitor my steps and sleep, and i noticed that my heart rate would shoot up to the 150s-170s when i was simply standing still, so i sat down, and my heart rate immediately dropped to the low 100s.

I thought that this may be a glitch with my watch, but was still concerned as i was aware that my heart rate should not get that high from just standing still, so i started googling. As a result of my search, the name Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome came up. I did some reading, and noticed that a lot of the signs were pointing to me, especially with the already established dysautonomia.

I had already dealt with a lot of doctors telling me that i was just paranoid and a hypochondriac, and i knew that watches sometimes glitched or didn’t work correctly, so i went to my pharmacy and got a pulse ox, and did the same standing test and it did the exact same thing as my watch.

I took pictures of my heart rate and started recording it on the charts that my watch had, and brought it to my next doctors appointment, explained my symptoms and then mentioned that i had heard of the condition POTS, and that it seemed pretty similar to what i was going through. My doctor had my do a short standing test in the office, and i had a 70bpm increase in my heart rate.

My doctor agreed that it definitely looked like POTS and she said that i met the criteria for a diagnosis, but she said she didn’t know very much about the condition and had only briefly heard about it, so she referred me to a cardiologist in another city as that was the closest specialist to me, but they denied the referral and said that they weren’t taking patients with POTS, and they gave her a information sheet and gave her some tests to do to rule out anything else.

The tests came back, and again it all pointed to POTS, but my doctor was scarcely familiar with the condition, and wasn’t comfortable giving me an official diagnosis, so she gave me an informal diagnosis. When it came to treatments, she also wasn’t familiar with anything besides telling me to drink more water, exercise, and increase my sodium intake, and the only medication she was familiar to treat it with was propranolol, so she prescribed that, but it unfortunately didn’t help much, so i wasn’t left with much help or advice.

The things my doctor recommended weren’t enough, and because i didn’t have an official diagnosis or really any information at all from my doctors it was hard to get accommodations with school, and i wasn’t sure what else to do, so i did what doctors recommend against and went to google and social media.

It was then where i found so many people like me who i could finally relate to, and found so much information about my condition and tips and tricks to help manage it.

Because i finally knew more about how to manage my POTS, i started trying out more things and in the last year i have learnt more than i had in years of going to doctors, and i also finally had a community where i felt less alone.

I was able to advocate for myself, and two years later, this february i finally got in to see a cardiologist and now have a proper diagnosis, and he was able to provide some more insight and treatment options for me and i’m finally starting to notice some improvement and have a hopeful plan for the future.

In cases like these, social media representation of chronic illnesses is not always bad, and can in my opinion, actually save lives. If i had not had access to these communities and help, i genuinely can say that i would not be where i am at today, and i am forever grateful for the communities that have been created.

[picturethoughts]

** Iron Flame SPOILERS might come ahead **

It's been roughly two weeks since I finished the book. As it always happens when I finish some story I love the hangover is real, so I've been back and forth between fanfiction and fourth wing and Instagram reels before actually going for a second read of Iron Flame. I've been trying to avoid theories in general cause as much as I want to know what people think, I'm also scared to know what those theories actually are. But I guess after stumbling upon contrasting opinions about the actual book (and not where the story might go from here) I am really curious to know the fandoms general opinion about the story. The expectations vs reality kind of thing. Because I'm thorn. I've been thorn and I can't make up my mind. A friend of mine asked me before finishing her read if I was disappointed, and I said no, not really. And now I don't know anymore if that's true.

I started Iron Flame as, I'm guessing, the majority if not all of the readers who love this world and this characters from the beginning, with my expectations on the roof and that nervous, anxious feeling in my stomach. Part one was fourth wing all over again. The built tentions were good, great even, I was at the edge of the seat so to speak, there was a good pacing, kinda similar to FW in my opinion. But the Violet butting heads with Xaden over and over and over again over the same issue was beginning to be a bit much. Kinda disappointing even. Because I was expecting mature Violet, as she was before, and open Xaden as he promised, so I was a bit confused about the sudden change in direction. Yes she felt betrayed and hurt, but she understood his choices and the why... I wasn't expecting her to fall right back but I expected her to reason and figure out in her head the best plan to go forward, and I feel like she got stuck. And we can say Liam's death affected her more deeply maybe but the thing is she never dives into those feelings does she? She never truly speaks of it. She saw one of her closest friends die in her arms and she does not talk about it. I expected a conversation or more, an emotional growth specially with Xaden. The same thing could be said about finding her freaking brother alive. I don't think they really truly had the conversations needed to evolve from that kind of information, I don't think she processed it in her core. And that was so confusing to me.

And then we end part 1. Violet hallucinates about Liam, that she doesn't mention to anyone, which, again, I expected her to confront that situation at some point with someone, to mention it to Xaden at least. She also gets separated for god's know how many days from Tairn, he didn't have access to her mind and seeing how absolutely out of his mind he was when she was dying at the end of FW, I expected him to be breaking the fucking school in search for her, and when Xaden finally came to rescue her, the dragons were relieved of course but I didn't get that same emotion, that powerful feeling that Tairn evoques when speaking of their bond. I thought we were going to have kinda of a reunion, an explanation, a confrontation, a virtual hug and cry and she's fine and she's right there with them again, in beginning of part two. So I was expecting and waiting, and one more page, one more subject, one more step moving on from that, and no one talks about it. It's kind of mind blowing really, when she experienced not one but two traumatic experiences and it's swept under the rug just like that. And I. Don't. Get. It. It doesn't make sense to me and it frustrates me and please someone explain it to me.

I won't get into details of part two cause the pacing was a lot more slow-ish, I still felt there was not enough real bonding between the dragons and Violet, her relationship with Xaden felt stagnant and that final battle was underwhelming, tbh. Less confusing to follow than in FW, so kudos to the author, but still really underwhelming. Superficial and yeah, I guess disappointing.

So I guess after all that I do feel disappointed in the work but mostly because I don't think it did the characters and that amazing world justice. I'm one of those readers who gets really immersed into the story, the characters become my people, and I feel like they didn't have enough of anything to be more than they were last book. And that's really really sad. And it pisses me off, but mostly sad, and frustrating.

*sigh* well that's it. I'd really be grateful if someone could share their pov when they closed the last chapter. The hangover is really real and it's here to stay.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Fic Snip from Kingdom Hearts - Destiny Vault:

--

    The old man scoffed and adjusted his glasses.  “To think I crossed the Misty Stream to attend a trade partner’s royal’s ascension only to be trapped in a mystic curse,” he grumbled.

    Sora blinked, picking up on the mention of the space sector they had just passed through.  “Wait, what was that?”

    “Sora!” a familiar voice blurted from several feet away.  He turned to locate the source of the voice when a brunette in a purple dress ran up and wrapped him in a bear hug.

    Kairi and Mickey gasped as they recognized the girl.  Sora pulled her off to get a look at her face, and he was just as shocked as them.  “Rapunzel?”

    The princess of Corona laughed.  “It’s good to see you,” she said.

    Sora chuckled nervously.  “Uh, same.  But what are you doing here?” he asked.  “This isn’t anywhere near Corona.”

    “Well, the same thing that the rest of us are doing here,” the old man said.  “This kingdom has guests from many different kingdoms and nations spreading far and wide.  I am the duke representing Weselton, Arendelle’s closest trading partner.”

    Sora crossed his arms as he processed what he was being told, his confusion visible on his face.  “You… crossed the sea between worlds?”

    The Duke of Weselton nodded.  “As we have done several times in our many years of international relations,” he added, as if it should have been obvious.

    “M-Many years?” Sora parroted in bewilderment.  “But I thought the worlds were supposed to be separate, and people weren’t supposed to know that there were other worlds beyond their own.  ‘World Order’, Donald keeps telling me.”

    “That would be true for the common gentry,” a man dressed in a Colonial British naval uniform interjected.  “But governments and blue-blooded houses have known of the greater World for centuries, and have engaged in international relations with many of the other lands since we have been able.”

    Sora and his companions were taken aback.  People have been traveling between worlds long before them?  If so, then what was the point of the secrecy that Donald always used to give him grief over?

    Goofy leaned down to whisper into Mickey’s ear.  “Did you know about this, your Majesty?” he asked.

    Mickey shrugged.  “My experience with external relations was mostly related to my responsibilities as a Keyblade Master,” he replied.  “Though I guess that explains how Minnie and Scrooge understood it well enough.”

    “Kingdoms and nations that make business in commerce cannot well trade or profit much if their reach is a world border that stops two meters from the edge of their dominion,” the British merchant added.  “Were that so, the East India Trading Company would not exist.”

    “East India Trading Company?  I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before,” Kairi mused.

    “Oh, there you are, Rapunzel.  I was wondering where you’d run off to.”  The party turned to the new speaker and recognized him as Eugene Fitzherbert, accompanied by one of the Kingdom of Corona’s royal guards.  He was dressed in more formal attire, donning a black suit with a purple vest marked with the sun-shaped sigil of Corona.  Sora smiled, putting his confusion to one side as he was simply happy to see his friend.  “Oh, hello there, Sora, Kairi, Mickey, Goofy.  Fancy seeing you here.”

    “Hey, Eugene,” Sora greeted.

    “Hang on.  The worlds had barriers separating them until a few years ago.  How have you been able to sail the Lanes Between before that?” Kairi asked.

    The trading company merchant smirked.  “We have our means,” he said cryptically.  “Although I’ll admit, we did enjoy the lack of barriers in the last few years, even while our business locations were being lost.”

    “But how do you reinforce your ships against the darkness of the Lanes Between?” Mickey asked.  “Especially for the crew members out in the open.”

    “Really?  I didn’t feel a thing,” Eugene remarked.  “Then again, I don’t really understand what you’re talking about.”

    “A-hyuck.  I guess you could say the same thing about Captain Hook’s pirate ship,” Goofy said, recalling how the vessel sailed around the Gummi Ship to ambush and capture them.  The trading company merchant frowned at the mention of pirates.

    Rapunzel shivered and did an erratic jig.  “Brrr…  My feet are freezing!” she complained.

    “Say, maybe we should find you some shoes,” Eugene suggested.

    “And a cloak, too,” Hans added.

    “It’s that blasted queen’s curse,” the Duke spat.  “That monster and her wretched sorcery.”

    Eugene was incensed at the Duke’s remarks against magic, as Rapunzel used to have powers and Sora and company had their magic, and they would by extension fall under his “wretched monsters” categorization.  He stepped up close to the Duke and glared down at him.  “Do you have something against magic, pal?”

    The Duke gulped in reaction to his threatening tone, then quickly composed himself and cleared his throat.  “As a matter of fact, I do,” he replied sternly.  His bodyguards gently nudged Eugene to take a step back.

    Eugene shrugged.  “I’ll admit, I’m not sure what answer I was expecting.”  The Corona guard rolled his eyes.

--

Yeah, I threw off the whole established understanding of the worlds here. (Though, honestly, at times it feels like this makes more sense.) And Eugene is really fun to write.

GOD THOUGH LIKE

I know there's probably a reason for it in-universe but they really should let the characters interact between worlds

[acilykos]

Hi. I see you're aroace and I'm too so I was wondering if I could ask you a question? Idk if this is something you do I found you through aroace senkuu post so absolutely feel free to ignore if you don't want to talk about it.

So basically I'm trying to figure out what exactly loveless means. BC a lot of people both arospec and not have told me that label might fit (as in I want 0 romance etc. But also no platonic equivalent). However. I am a very passionate person about my chosen career, music, art, my cat. Those are all things I feel so strongly about, I wouldn't know what to call it but "love". Similarly there are people I care about, just not in a way where I want romance with them or a platonic version of that kind of relationship.

(I've seen you call senkuu loveless too, and I'm a little confused BC he clearly does care deeply about some people and possibly even more so science. Why not call that love? Is it a terminology thing?)

I'm not trying to pick a fight, I really like your analysis of senkuu.

I'm genuinely trying to understand.

It's possible to reject the societal notion of what love is. I do so myself.

But there's no denying that the chemicals involved are something everyone experiences. Like. Everyone gets dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin etc. It's just the context that's different. Much like oxytocin is experienced both in mother-infant bonding and in sexual contact, I get a dopamine rush listening to music but not making out with someone.

(granted romantic love hasn't been that well examined but there does seem to be a consensus on the general chemistry involved)

Same chemicals but different result/feeling, you know?

Not getting these chemicals at all is impossible I think, so that can't be what loveless means.

So what does it mean??? Is it just about society's perception of love??

I personally approached my lack of romantic attraction by Googling the brain chemistry BC clearly I wasn't getting anywhere with the emotional side. I'm not an expert. But the definitions of different aro orientations I see commonly, don't actually address this at all. It's like everyone decided on a different definition of "love" and nobody told me any of them.

Again, I know this sounds very passionate, but I always sound like that. I'm not trying to pick a fight, nor am I expecting you to solve my identity crisis. So really no need to reply if you don't want to. I can see how this would be. A lot to try and answer.

Hi, hi!!

First of all, I'm happy to meet a fellow AroAce!! I'm also calling myself loveless because it fits the most, I did research before and found it was the closest to describe myself.

Second of all, I think it depends on the definition of what loveless means for oneself because as always, sexuality at the end of the day is a fluid and personal thing.

Apologies if some of the thoughts seem jumbled or contradicting. I just woke up, was very happy about getting to ramble and I just don't know how to properly describe my "emotional thought processes" because I decided to illustrate my points with examples.

It's a long read too, I hope you don't mind.

Personally, I define it as a "lack of attraction" because oriented and angled AroAces experience other types of attraction (like platonic, aesthetic, etc.), but don't ask me to explain the difference between either, I really have no idea what it is (no offense to any angled or oriented AroAces). Personally, I find it ironic that the two most known "orientations" of AroAce people are still based on experiencing attraction despite AroAces being known for not experiencing it. So we had to create another word to say "Yeah, we actually don't experience any type of attraction”. It's also ironic to me that we call it "loveless" because it's not that we don't love, we just aren't attracted to people.

I'm an artist, I love art and drawing myself, as well as writing.

I'm also a scientist, I love chemistry, astronomy, pharmacology, psychology, really, I'm just always happy to talk about any subject. In fact, that's my current career, I'm a pharmaceutical technician.

I have favourite songs, favourite subjects, favourite seasons. Favourite shows, favourite characters, hell, I also have favourite ships.

I care about my family and friends too.

It's just that I'm not attracted to people. I don't want a romantic relationship because I don't experience romantic attraction. Same as I don't want a sexual one. I just don't see the need or appeal for another person if the goal is to just have a dinner date or a climax. Sure romance and sex can come hand in hand, but that depends on whether or not you experience either or if you're committed in a relationship. Anyways, I digress.

These two are the typical ones people talk about when it comes to attraction, but then there are the illusive platonic and aesthetic attractions, and many more I believe. One of them is explained later which causes AroAces in the first place to also use the labels oriented and angled.

Platonic attraction, or at least as I come to understand it, is seeing a person and just wanting to be their friend. You see someone and you think "wow, I really want to be their friend!!" also apparently called having a "squish".

I don't do that. I don't really feel something compelling me to talk to this person to become their friend.

Same as I don't feel attraction towards aesthetically pleasing people (which is also a highly individual definition). Or well, for a lack of a better term, the only "Wow, I really like how they look" I experience is in terms of gender envy. I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be them either. I just think "I'd like to express my gender like that". If that makes any sense.

I see people talk about "they're hot" and "they're so cute looking" and how they have this attraction towards them because of the way they look, but I just don't? I may appreciate the beauty by acknowledging that someone has nice features or a cool style, but it's the same as me looking at the weather and going "Ah, the sun is shining, isn't that nice." before continuing to do whatever I did, not spending more time on thinking about the weather.

For a real life example: My sister and I are going to a driving school. She has an aesthetic (and I call it on purpose an aesthetic attraction. She has not spoken once with the guy and she also said it's not exactly a crush) on one of the other people there, which to me makes no sense given his general character he revealed at least at the driving school. She even took his pen he forgot at school (just some company gifted pen from when we got a visit that day) in hopes of giving it back to him and struck up a conversation (She failed to. She was too embarrassed, in case you're curious).

I only acknowledge he has a nice jawline. That's it.

I don't feel any type of attraction towards people. I don't want or need to be their romantic partner. I don't want or need a sexual relationship. Just because someone has a personality that clicks with mine, I don't automatically feel the need to become their friend. If we become friends, great. If we don't it is what it is.

Obviously when I'm friends with someone, I care about them, but it's just... not the way friendships are usually portrayed. I don't feel the need to have many friends, or meet up with them constantly or go on trips or anything of the like. I like them a lot, I want them to be well. I just... don't really feel an attraction? I don't know how to properly explain it.

An attraction for me is either the need to be constantly with them, one way or another, because you physically and/or mentally/psychologically feel the need to be in their presence, whenever an opportunity arises OR that you spent a lot of time just thinking about them (daydreaming, fantasies, you get it). I just don't feel like that. I'm fine with not talking or seeing friends for multiple months or years. I'm also fine if we don't talk constantly too. If the friendship ended because we couldn't maintain it, it wouldn't destroy me.

It actually happened multiple times, I'm fine with it. Do I miss them or feel nostalgic when I think about past experiences with them? Of course, I care about them as people.

But I'd feel the same about it even if we had stayed friends, because I obviously feel nostalgic with things I did with my current friends.

I just really don't have the ""need"" to have friends in my life. I'm not "attracted" towards them, I care about them and I like them, but it's just not the type of attraction or even love that society usually attributes to what (best) friends are supposed to be or behave like.

(Same for my family. I haven't seen some of them in years, I don't need to. I like them, I care about their wellbeing.)

You may be wondering, if that's my attitude towards friendships, how do I even have friendships.

They talked to me one day and we happened to keep talking because we liked what each other had to say. It's been years later, so it's safe to say that we still like each other, but not once have I ever initiated a friendship, funnily enough. All I did was just... reply or talk once and we kept talking and meeting up, and eventually we became friends, and because they know a lot about me and I about them, I care about them.

And this is what I think Senkū is like too.

He cares about his friends deeply and he obviously cares about his family too. But he doesn't feel any attraction to people. He never once had an "I need to be their friend" moment. He accidentally sort of becomes friends with them because of the situation they're in and then develops a friendship with them because they've been through a lot of things for multiple years.

How did he meet Taiju? Because Taiju saved his machinery. Senkū didn't have any friends prior to that. But then they talked and spent their childhood together and became friends.

Taiju introduced him to Yuzuriha, they talked, she helped with his experiments as well, and they too became friends.

Senkū not once initiated a friendship.

He may have approached some of them first, but not because he wanted to be their friend/felt platonic attraction, he just needed them for a plan, then he used them for his plans, but they stuck around and they talked and time passed.

If it comes to his plans or science, he talks first. If it comes to any "emotional" conversational topic, someone else initiates it.

Senkū just doesn't feel the need to have emotional connections, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about his friends or won't develop friendships, if that makes sense. He doesn't seek them, but if friendships happen to develop, he accepts it. He doesn't portray it outwardly, but deep within his heart he still cares.

Everyone in his life started out as an ally, it eventually became friendship. Senkū didn't recruit people because he wanted friends, he recruited them because he had a need for allies to wage war against Tsukasa, then Ibara, then Whyman.

You can even apply it to Senkū's relationship with Xeno, who is according to the fanbook one of Senkū's "closest relationships" (the other one being Byakuya). Senkū respects Xeno as a scientist and as the only NASA employee who actually helped him build a rocket, but even then it's because Xeno talked first and their relationship was strictly mentor and mentee, it was hardly a friendship in what society defines it as anyway. I guess the closest equivalent would be Marty McFly and Doc Brown from Back to the Future (I know, Marty isn't Doc's mentee, but it's about the assisting in science projects part), if it comes to media, but even then Senkū's and Xeno's mentorship would not fit the definition of friendship the way Marty's and Doc's does.

I also call Senkū loveless, because he would never enter a queer platonic relationship (qpr). Entering one would mean you experience a type of connection that is more than friendship, but not romantic or sexual. Or at least that's how I came to understand it. Personally, I'm still confused on what they're actually like aside from them developing from a "tertiary form of attraction". This is where angled and oriented AroAces come in, and why some people call themselves "AroAce lesbians" for example. They experience a different type of attraction towards women that's not just friendship, but it's also not romantic or sexual (at least that's how I understand it, any tertiary attraction feeling AroAces correct or explain it to me, because it's been confusing me for years).

Now look at Senkū and tell me that he'd ever enter such a relationship, when he barely feels the need to make friends on his own. He says it himself "love causes only problems" because of the emotions involved in it. He also, as we established, doesn't feel the need to make friends. If that's already too much and Senkū doesn't have the need for friends, and a QPR is similar, except it lacks the romantic and sexual part and is supposedly "more than a mere friendship", then Senkū definitely wouldn't have that.

I think it's important to mention that, but I think at this point it is obvious, I don't define attraction and caring as the same things.

Why would I? It isn't the same thing, otherwise we wouldn't have different words for it.

Attraction means I myself feel the need to be close to whatever attracts me, maybe that I can't stop thinking about it because I need it in my life, but it can also be superficial.

Care is that it doesn't cross my mind every day, but maybe I happen to think about it once because it crossed my mind, or if I'm with friends or family who tell me about something that happened to them, I care about their wellbeing.

You may also have noticed that I barely even used the word "love" despite talking about being "loveless". As I mentioned in the beginning, I really don't think it's the right term. We love. We care. But it's just not the love people think of first (aka romantic). I love my hobbies, I love my friends and family, I love my favourite characters. But none of this is what society tells me that love is supposed to be or feel like. But it's the most direct way of saying "I don't experience any type of attraction", as misleading as it is, sadly.

And that's it, basically.

Again, it's just my own definition and experience, so how true it is for the majority of AroAces or how much you agree with me, is totally up to you and anyone else. Emotional matters are confusing, and a lot of the time don't make sense and are hard to put into words, but I gave it my best shot with all I know right now. If you're curious or think that loveless may not be the right term after all, you're welcome to do more research on the terms angled and oriented, I bet there are a lot of AroAces who identify with those labels ready to help you out, and who know much more about it than me.

I hope I was able to help you in any way to find some clarity! Thanks again for stopping by, feel free to do that again any time!!