#im honestly very split on this emotionally

[themyscirah]

This is how this went right?

Parallax!Hal: I miss being a hero... wish I had my ring back

Kyle: oh well you can have mine then! That way you can have a second chance : )

Parallax!Hal: YES!!! A SECOND CHANCE TO PLAY GOD AND RESHAPE THE WORLD AS I WILL IT MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kyle, now ringless: .................huh. im gonna be honest here I really didn't see that coming

[purgemarchlockdown]

Honestly half the reason why I don't think about Mikoto much is because people can be Really Hostile I Guess???? It's weird, I can weather the amane discourse because Im so emotionally compelled by her that even if I tried (and I Did) I probably wouldn't be able to keep it in lol. I care too much about what she deals with-every day I am a bit closer to making another post about autistic trans girlthing Amane Momose.

However Mikoto is so much more dicey and interpretations are so split and and divisive and my knowledge on this subject is so very much not enough that it's like...why would I ever want to step into that nonsense where people will skin me alive for being "wrong" whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean because no one can fucking agree-

I dont have the fucking right to tell people what is and isnt good rep! But it seems like the people who do have the right cant agree and a lot of them think the other is fucking stupid for believing one way or the other! And neither of them are wrong! Its up to interpretation! Your millage may vary! It could be both! Its not mutually exclusive!

I am having a genuine breakdown about this shit- Sorry Mikoto but as much as I think your an interesting attempt at an examination of mental illness through the lens of societal demonization and I really want to know how you'll pull it off since the execution of this concept seems Pretty Damn Hard- holy shit am I so fucking tired and no one has even argued with me. I am creating mental sockpuppets and obsessively thinking about them- why do I do this to myself- I should sleep- I should go to sleep

[pluralcultureis]

Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

.

[violentviolette]

As a fellow aspd haver, what questions would you ask a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to see if they’re “safe” to be honest with and what are some green flag answers. I feel like some red flag answers are obvious but overall, I need help and yet am anxious to try to get real help for some of these symptoms in case they’re ableist. I used to think I could tell when people were genuine and then someone pulled the rug out under me and now everyone looks like a villain waiting for me to slip up. (The current big brother culture is partially to blame). Tried to fix myself by myself and then ended up with more problems.

honestly for me what's worked is being very direct during intake and when choosing who to see but never actually using the words "aspd/antisocial/clusterb/narcisst/ect." personally, i like to avoid what i call "soft daycare types" or like, very overly "empathetic" and caring therapists who speak very gently and are focused more on supporting and showing care. those kinds of soft doe eyed people just Do Not work for me and actively worsen the process for me. i cant and dont take them seriously and i lie constantly to them and make no progress. these are also usually the ones most likely to deeply buy into the anti-cluster b stigma and mentalities so it kind of kills two birds with one stone so usually when i do intake i'll say something like "i dont do well with an overly empathetic or kind approach, i find im not as honest and cant be as open about my struggles. do you have someone who is more of a straight shooter who wont pull punches with me? it helps me a lot more to be challanged in my thought process than to be unconditionally supported"

i find that those therapists are the least likey to buy into that stuff and not be as overly focused on empathy. but honestly the biggest thing and my biggest advice is to just never use those exact words. cluster b shit has honestly become such buzzwords with so much baggage they're actively harmful to ur treatment if u use them but u can talk about ur symptoms and get help for them without ever using those words so i just dont. when i wanna talk about my anger, i dont say narc rage or aspd rage, i just say rage. when i want to talk about a narc crash, i just call it a self esteem spiral. when i want to talk about lacking empathy, i just describe the experience. i say "i dont understand, i cant put myself in that position, i struggle to see things from others perspective, i cant connect emotionally like that so i need to be able to connect logically and figure out how to navigate the situations when they happen"

like literally, it will honestly do u so so much more good to focus on the actual specifics of the emotions and the words ur looking for and describing them out long form than using shorthand words. and not just helpful to avoid stigma like it will genuinely help u to get used to identifying the core emotions underneath and being able to articulate them. that's called emotionally literacy and it's genuinely one of the most helpful beginning steps.

in therapy using shorthand buzzwords and pre-established stuff like "aspd rage/narc crash/splitting/ect." can actually work against u during recovery. not only are there no definitive definitions and so they're extreamly vague and everyone has a different understand of what they mean, we can also become reliant on these shorthand titles and use them to avoid looking the uncomfortable underlying emotions and specific causes in the eye, which is a negative coping strategy that will hamper progress. dissecting these feelings down to their bare bones core and having the words and language to identify them is an extreamly important part of being able to fix things, because u cant fix something until u both understand what ur looking at and know how it goes back together

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

Tbb Season 2 SPOILERS below cut

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY

Ik I'm like a day late to the party, but that was a JOURNEY. Here are ALL my thoughts that no one asked for :)

FIRST OF ALL, TECH. MY BOY. MY LOVE. (do not watch ep 2 a day before ur period if ur a tech girly. just don't. especially if u want ur make up to stay in tact. that was so rough yall)

me @ tech the entirety of episode 2: honey baby sweetie, pls sit down. sit down, pls. pls honey pLS I AM BEGGING SIT. DOWN.

Also @ all my fellow tech girlies, I hate to make it worse, but I don't think Tech passed out from exhaustion, I think he passed out from pain. because he broke his femor. HIS FRICKIN FEMOR, LIKE,,, THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL BREAKS AND THIS MAN IS WALKING AROUND

TECH SIT UR ASS DOWN, BE HUMBLE FOR FCKS SAKE

AAAAAAAHHHHH

anyway, now that that's outta the way

love that echo is willing and ready to rejoin the fight

love that Hunter recognises that a warzone is no place for a child (would be the first star wars character EVER I think)

I think it's gonna lead to a lot of conflict which I'm excited for tbh. Would love to see them emotionally maturing and realising that maybe they can't stick together. Maybe Hunter and Echo grew in different directions, and Echo needs to go back into the fight, while Hunter needs to take care of his ad'ika. Its okay to walk different paths in life and I would love to see them learning that.

Would be interesting to see where Wrecker and Tech land in that split. honestly, to early on to tell, I think.

Also, where is Crosshair, is he alright, is he okay?

Realising while writing this that I am still THOROUGHLY on my Tech bs, so more Tech from here on out lol :)

did he ever make it off that landing platform? when will we see him?

LOVED Wrecker btw. Seeing him pull a Tech and throwing a weapon together in the middle of a blast zone was just *chefs kiss*

Honestly, the only person that kinda sorta underwhelmed me is Hunter, but we got a lot of growth from him in the last season. I think that now that his relationship with Omega is cemented we finally get to see some more of the others and I'm ready for it. Just hope his character trait for the entire season doesn't stay "worried dad, yells at all his coworkers (BROTHERS), because they are getting his child into a dangerous situation (which is in fact inaccurate. they are just in a dangerous situation. with his child. anyway, I didn't like him yelling at Tech that one time that's all I'm saying)"

MY BOY DIDN'T EVEN REALISE PHEE WAS FLRITING WITH HIM IM---

YEA THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE

(also, phee's name is pronounced like mine phie and it tripped me up for a good minute. anyways, kudos to her for picking out tech from the line up, she clearly has a good eye)

me @ tech when he fixes the data thing for his new friendo: YEA THAT'S MY BOY

also me @ tech when he didn't realise omega was missing: that too, is my boy :') (bc if there's anything I can relate to it's hyper focus)

Also, did yall notice that Hunter never found out Tech's wounded? they're on comms twice after his injury, once to tell them abt radio silence and once to tell them they're back online and transmitting coordinates. both times Tech levels out his voice when talking to Hunter, when he sounded like he's in pain before and after, which I find VERY interesting. Is Tech scared to show weakness to Hunter? Where would that come from? What happend there?

final thought for the night: ECHOS FACE WHEN CID CALLED HIM KILLJOY?? honey sweetie sugar-cubey, I know it hurts when ppl tell u harsh truths but you've seemed tense for A WHILE, DO U NEED A HUG OR SOMETHING?

[fkapommel]

Could you elaborate on your thoughts on May December? I was honestly kind of let down by it but I'd love your opinion and maybe see something in it I didn't see before 💕

Tbh as a person who has a very limited attention span, May December felt at first like a slog bc its very slow, very atmospheric, and it forces you to sit in its uncomfortablness (i split watching it over two days). But going back to my Saltburn rant, this is such a strength to Saltburn's choppiness and BOO! surprises. The whole point of May December is how disturbing this relationship is - a woman literally robbed a child his life and expects to eat his adulthood as well. Like everyone else in the news and on the island, youre forced to slowly watch this boy-man's life beint slowly stripped away. This trauma is juxtaposed with the movie's unexpected campiness - Gracie, a vampiric adult, dressing and speaking like a child; the actress Elizabeth behaving the entire movie like shes about to produce the next Academy Award winner but its actually just all for a cheap Lifetime romp; the intense music score that both zaps you to attention and emotionally brings you out of the scene. I love the costuming, how you can watch Elizabeth's transformation into Gracie based on her transition from stylish, dark clothes to flowery dresses. And an English major, there's like fifty solid thematic metaphors used successfully throughout the film (butterflies, smoking/inhalation, hunting, etc) and im just a slut for a good metaphor. Im not a film connoisseur by any means, but May December grew on me really quickly, and I am such a fan of it.

I recommend watching Broey Deschanel's video, too, for a better exploration!

[caninekakashi]

HI OK I HAVE SO MANY I WANT TO HEAR UR THOUGHTS ON AJDNFKAJASKDJSK <33333

😭💢🌙🌠☁️

BARK SO MANY KKHOUND THOUGHTS

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

i cannot even BEGIN to fathom the apocalyptic world ending situation required to make hound actually CRY cry. he doesn't know how to, he's so emotionally numb for years that even learning how to feel concrete, identifiable HAPPINESS is difficult. CRYING? he recognizes grief, with kakashi's help, he can comprehend what that is when he feels it, but to actually CRY? it doesnt happen

he doesn't cry, he might go into shock, or lock up, but he Does Not Cry. kakashi takes care of that for both of them.

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

oh my god so much of what hound does and has learned is from anbu. his posture is rigid he very rarely if ever relaxes even an inch, his expression is always blank, he does not use vocal inflection properly.

hound is kind of like an echo of what they were as a child, so a lot of hound's interests and habits do eventually go back to things that they would have done as children. his snark is very biting, even mean at times. he prefers old flavors that kakashi doesnt consume as much anymore.

honestly adjusting to hound in general is difficult because, to a lot of people, he is a Different Person in Kakashi's Body. they're expecting KAKASHI even when Hound is fronting and that makes it difficult. for everyone.

hound also doesn't use contractions the amount you would expect in regular conversation, he's very stilted. someone socialize him please.

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

im going to blow up the whole world.

for so long hound didn't really want or feel anything that wasn't. what he was created for it wasnt within the cards for him to WANT things but when he can, oh my god when he can.

for awhile maybe he wanted obrin back but that was wrong and for a while maybe he wanted sensei again and for awhile maybe he wanted to be a person but it was all wrong and he wasn't anything until he was again.

he just wants to be a person, he wants to be a person with everything attached to it. he wants to do things he enjoys he wants to have people that love him he wants to be able to love people. he needs so much therapy to get to that point, of knowing it of acknowledging it of working towards it.

he wants to be able to feel things again, he doesnt want to be a human, he wants to be a person, and he's trying so, so hard.

at a point in time he may have considered killing kakashi for it, but he never would have, even if he could have, he never would have.

🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?

KIRPY.

oh my fucking god.

i don't know, i don't even think he knows, hound doesn't fucking know. hound isnt the type of person to consider impossibilities, he's never going to consider a true wish upon a star that could change things or provide something. hound is always going to reach for things with his own two hands, and if he cannot reach it, he will stretch until he can.

an obvious wish, for an earlier hound, might be to split, to have his own body and let kakashi have his, twins instead of alters. but, he wouldnt enjoy that wish if it came true. he MIGHT, for awhile, but it would fade, he covets kakashi in a way that obrin do not understand yet, wont for a very long amount of time. kakashi was his, his responsibility his burden his feelings his everything and he has fantasized about being separate when all he was was angry but not anymore, never anymore.

he and kakashi dont want to be separated, either of them, and that is another thing that the people in their lives will have to adjust to.

if he could make a wish, blow out the candles on a birthday cake and wonder, he might wish for peace, but hound was made for war, and such things do not come to him so easily.

☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon

hound is made for so much more than war, but it will be years before he realizes this.

hound is a caretaker, thats what he WANTS to be, that is what he is, even at his worst he cared, and that was always why he was so goddamn angry.

he's never going to be soft, or nice, or sweet, he's got terrible bedside manner, but he cares, he's kind.

Hound is matter of fact, hound is dangerous, hound is lethal, these are all truths that are not negative, or positive, they simply are. kakashi knows he is safe with hound, because he knows the lengths that hound will got to love him.

obrin wont be exposed to that for some time, and what they do see they will see through hound tending to kakashi, they will see with hound interacting with naruto.

hound is a bad man, he is a bad human, he has done terrible things and he accepts all of them, but he has done them out of care, and he will do them again for the same reason.

hound's good with people that are hurting, because he knows what it feels like to hurt that badly.

obrin first really see Hound and have their interpretation of him challenged when they happen upon him sitting on his knees in front of naruto while naruto is rambling, obviously wildly upset about something that happened at school, most likely related to sasuke, or his grades.

hound can handle this easily, hound speaks in an even tone, he is capable of distracting and talking emotions down, he does this until naruto is looking at him still teary-eyed but thinking. hound presents a new perspective, hound raises questions that naruto could not ask on his own.

"do you think that is fair?" "...no" "you are correct. it is not fair, not to either of you. there are ways to fix this, but you will have to make an effort. will you do that?"

and naruto nods, redirected and calmed while hound stands to take his hand and guide him home.

obito is better at understanding hound than rin is for a long time, but "better" does not mean he understands hound completely, and even understanding hound's point of anger does not prevent him from being prejudiced against him.

kirpy i want to bite people.

[chemicalcarousel]

is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

[pocketsizedquasar]

okay, favorite moby dick adaptation, the ones you'd recommend (besides your webcomic adaptation ofc, i've read them all in two days and it was wonderful! i love it so much, you've probably seen my comments haha!)

//////

ps. im so close to finishing the actual novel. im super amazed and scared with ahab in the later chapters, he really lives up to his name! im split between heavily identifying with ahab and ishmael lol (that is not a good sign). im also touched by how much love and admiration that exist everytime ishmael talks about his boyfriend. tbh im kinda surprised the "queequeg and his coffin" chapter doesnt include ishmael trying to take care of queequeg. it would have been cute and on-brand for the book.

and poor pip, he was lost and never found. press F to pay respects. will forever be pissed over how everyone treats him terribly

i'm sorry it took me ages to respond to this i'm simply a fool /lh

but uhhh okay so honestly there aren't that many md adaptations that i actually did like LMAO which is part of why i've made my comic

but the two i do genuinely enjoy and appreciate both the opera (which i saw a livestream of in the early days of the pandemic) -- it was a delight to watch although it made some questionable changes from the book

and the very small moby dick play adaptation by david catlin i saw way back in high school. like. look at the queequeg. this is the only moby dick adaptation actually

also the 2011 tv series doesn't have rights EXCEPT for the fact that they cast ethan hawke as starbuck

also handshake on identifying with both ahab and ishmael LMAO and also so i think ishmael DOES take care of queequeg in the coffin chapter, becuase in the chapter when queequeg asks for the coffin to be built: "He called one to him in the grey morning watch, when the day was just breaking, and taking his hand, said that while in Nantucket he had chanced to see certain little canoes of dark wood, like the rich war-wood of his native isle; and upon inquiry, he had learned that all whalemen who died in Nantucket..." (emphasis my own) and i'm like. 99% sure that the "one" he's calling for is ishmael. and i'm pretty sure this is just a symptom of ishmael removing himself from the narrative + not being emotionally capable of describing himself in the scene where his lover almost died.

especially because i read the qq in his coffin chapter as ishmael's way of saying goodbye to queequeg/his eulogy for queequeg, because he can't do it during the scene where queequeg actually dies

anyway yeah hashtag pip deserved better

[cainightfics]

just wanted to say i really appreciate the way you portray tyrell in particular, it feels so close to canon. hes a very special character in that its clear hes not right in the head, and hes super destructive and pretty much brings on his own downfall, but theres something still relatable and sympathetic about him?? he always struck me as someone with a personality disorder tbh (i headcanon him as BPD). how do you approach his headspace? you seem to really get him

thank you! i rly appreciate hearing this. its funny because i actually do not relate to tyrell at all, id say we're complete opposites personality wise lol, yet somehow hes really endearing to me. ive always had kind of a soft spot for horrible yet pathetic people lol.

i definitely agree with you about him having bpd, or some other personality disorder. i’ve talked about it on here before, but i was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder last year. i’m honestly kind of anti psychiatry so i don’t really care for diagnoses and i don’t identify with the label at all, but i’ll admit, all of the symptoms and internal contradictions do fit me. i see szpd often described as the “opposite” of bpd: aloof, non-expressive, solitary, doesn’t care for external validation, very strong sense of self and extremely rich inner world coupled with complete disdain for reality, etc... whereas people with bpd compulsively seek out praise and a feeling of belonging, schizoids seek out isolation. schizoids are also often very paranoid and view relationships as a trap— even if they’re lonely and desire romantic love, they don’t want to be responsible for another persons happiness, and they don’t want to feel burdened by another persons emotional needs. while a borderlines response to stress is to split, a schizoids is to just withdraw completely. personally, i like interacting with people online because its easier for me to "escape" if need be. i find it really hard to connect with people offline. its kind of funny, because when it comes to shipping and fiction, im obsessed with love, but i feel almost incapable of romantic emotion in real life.

all of that being said, just because i have nothing in common with tyrell doesnt mean i find it hard to understand him! i basically see tyrell as a big five year old lol. intellectually, hes very clever, but emotionally, he tends to view things in black and white. he's very desperate for love and attention but cant find anybody who will give it to him. he wants to feel special and be surrounded by special people, but to do so, he has to change who he is. i think tyrell really idolizes elliot—he sees him as somebody unaffected by the more embarrassing emotions tyrell himself feels, like desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, etc. of course we know elliot feels these things too, he can just hide it better.

i think tyrell is the kind of person who will put up with basically anything so long as he thinks it will get him love and attention. it explains his relationship with joanna, his relationship with price, and his relationship with elliot/mr robot. hes very willing to be used and abused as long as it means somebody cares about him. thats why he asks elliot "did you ever care about me?" in s4e4. if elliot loves him, then everything hes done is okay—losing his son, losing joanna, blowing up the 71 buildings, ruining his own life, etc. i think tyrell doesnt really have a concept of personhood outside of how other people see him. he finds himself a role to fill and changes everything about himself to fit it. hes obsessed with what other people think of him because hes deeply insecure. i really wouldn't be surprised if he was emotionally abused/neglected as a child. i actually have a long one-shot im working on that will explore this possibility further.

anyway, to answer your question, i dont relate to tyrell, but i do find him somewhat easy to write, because his goal is always so non-complex: to be loved and feel special. couple that with the fact he has low empathy for 99% of humanity, and you have a disaster on your hands lol.

[sohoharlem]

(This will upset some people on here) im scared for his next gf lmao genuinely. I wasn’t one of the people that hated or harassed ale and im afraid that when this fandom will have the next official name they will eat her alive.

I hope she doesn’t have an ig and she is not a celeb honestly, for their own sake. I would love to see how he is in his “private life” (this is why i love some pics ale included in that video) but at the same time this fandom is a gigantic cockblocker lmao and he deserves better… and she doesn’t deserve to be bodyshamed 24/7 for example

I don’t think you need to worry about being scared about what came out of that relationship replaying. I think that was a unique experience all around.

Ale knew how to keep fans engaged with her even when she was doing the minimal, and that was something she used to her advantage and I think we all know that looking back. She knew just what to post or say or do to always keep fans emotionally invested and asking more questions. It was one of the few things she actually did very well, and she’s somehow still doing it to this day. Even over six months since they split, fans still engage and still try to see what she’s saying. When it came to the use of social media to narrate what she wanted, she was able to do it. It’s what fueled the anxiety and the drama. Especially when at the time there had been the new influx of younger fans who came in through TFATWS.

Doesn’t matter if you thought it was only fake or real or both, we can all agree that she knew close fans were watching and she spent that whole relationship painting her story that she wanted fans to see in the relationship. I do think she wanted it to look more* serious than it actually was, and at one point we believed it for a bit. Even if maybe at times it wasn’t purposeful but was a girl who loved narrating every fucking thing. Looking back, if she had been a more quiet girlfriend who respected his privacy and only posted twice within that year and a half, and had not posted anything interesting at all and those few Pap walks still stayed in tact, and if she hadn’t had that personality of keeping fans enticed, I don’t think fans would’ve thought it was as serious or dramatic as it was. Do you?

It’s because she painted a story and fans milked off of it and they became very emotionally involved because she knew what she was doing using her Instagram. Baiting, even if it could’ve been at times indirectly or fans overthinking, she fueled that mentality. She used Instagram. What do I mean by saying this in reference to future girlfriends? Well, seb has been going off the last few months in interviews when asked relationship questions and clearly he wants to go a different way next time, he says he’s always leaving relationships and trying to find something different than what he was in, with that comes involuntary and subconscious pick choosing. Almost micromanaging. He said many other things too. I don’t think at all that his next girlfriend will be like Ale was. Not to that level of following him everywhere and posting everything and keeping drama elevated. Even if the next girl came somewhat close, I don’t think it will be like she was. That was just a whole entire thing on its own.

There will always be drama in fandoms when it comes to gf’s and all that, so we can continue to expect that every time, but to that level? I highly doubt it. He might try to look for something completely opposite even, who knows. Who knows if he’s even ready to date again when now his Carreer is finally taking off. He always put his Carreer first and I don’t think he minds that. I think he’ll be going through more different relationships for a while, years. When it comes to settling down, I even wonder if he will. He himself always says he’s settled in his ways and after every relationship he leaves he tries to find something different. At a certain point in time, a man won’t budge anymore from norms, and I think he’s at that point right now. He has habits and primaries in his life that he won’t change. He’ll find someone who will conform to him. Add in that he’s always looking for something different each time and the slight pickiness because of past experiences and stubborn choosing, you got yourself a boy running in circles and not settling down. If he does, I think will be in a very long time, unless some miracle happens. But I also think he doesn’t mind that. He just doesn’t like being alone sometimes, but I don’t think a wife is on his front mind. Maybe long term partner. But again also everything else I said before lol

[raincamp]

7 - 29 - 23

i was too distracted by good omens 2 yesterday to write anything haha, a good thing though, because it meant that i was distracted from the emotions im experiencing in real life. i instead spent all of yesterday in mourning with crowley. i feel like he and i are going through similar issues right now, it was nice to feel like i had someone (fictional) who understood, and also had somewhere (fictional) to put all my feelings.

he is so BPD coded — i can't even begin to talk about it

anyway, today i spent most of my time with my best friend (M) who i think i have yet to mention here? she's kind of a FP— or she used to be— or, i honestly don't know at this point. since i figured out my therapist is a FP of mine, it feels like maybe M has become less of one? or maybe it just feels like that in comparison. its all so confusing sometimes to put labels on things. but i think whats important is that i have an attachment to her that is sometimes on the unhealthy side, but our relationship remains stable because we both put in the work to make it that way despite my unhealthy attachment.

we went to a cafe and i talked a lot about therapy, which was nice, she's a psychology major so she loves hearing about me and my disorder and my therapy, and she's also really insightful about relationships so she had a lot to add, it was kind of reassuring, but i did also accidentally trigger myself and started talking some very obvious BPD-cognitive-distortion-bullshit about my therapist which was kind of humiliating. she was understanding though— immediately called me out on it. and then suggested we do something else because she could tell it was distressing me.

i fear that i might start becoming emotionally dependent on her again now that my therapist has cut me off. i dont think it would be too bad, because of the stability of our relationship, however i do have feelings about that potential situation, because i dont particularly enjoy being dependent on anybody. it makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, and kind of frustrated because i can't seem to just be independent. the concept seems to be totally foreign to me.

i was going to try to hang out with another of my friends today too, but she didnt answer my 15 phone calls, and i kind of split on her too :') im having a rough time right now. idk why im getting so easily triggered all of a sudden.

maybe i just have more emotional vulnerability now? hm. its difficult figuring this kind of stuff out without her, my therapist, i miss her. i need her.

everything just feels kind of empty and hollow without my therapist in my life. like. i know im technically only missing seeing her for 2 days, but theres weeks in between those two days, and those weeks start to feel like years when it's somebody im so dependent on. so i feel like i've lost so much.

M was talking about how its possible my therapist withdrew partly because of how attached i was becoming, and i dont even want to consider that a possibility right now, but i cant stop thinking about it. i dont have control over how attached i become to people, and if thats whats causing her to be so cold towards me— which has been causing me SO much pain— then im gonna be,, idk i'm having a hard time identifying my feelings today. but its essentially telling me that i should be able to stop something i don't have control over in order to have the support that i need. I don't think thats fair.

thats the message im getting from this whole situation anyway though, since it all comes back to an addiction, which I don't have control over.

maybe i just dont deserve mental health support and treatment, i feel like thats just the overall message the universe is trying to convey to me right now. idk what i did to deserve it, but i obviously did something, so ig i should just accept the punishment. nothing i can do about it now.

if my therapist were here she'd call me out on blaming the universe like she always does. but shes not here so she can get fucked. ill stay being delusional if it makes me feel better.

im dissociated as fuck today

- andrew

[elaichoi]

tw: bit of discussion on mental health [diagnoses]; talks of depression/major depressive disorder, [social] anxiety, panic disorder, mention of agoraphobia, god idek tbh im sorry

YES LOL THEY WERE ANNOYING TO DO BUT $5 GIFTCARDS N SHIT ^_^ nooo i almost never did the surveys cus i get random emails and thats annoying and they also take forever,, so i only did the ones where u have to download whatever app (usually a game) they tell u to, use it for x amt of seconds/minutes (i forget) and u go back to the app and it gives u points or whatever that u redeem for giftcards! that's how i got superimpose actually 😭 edit tutorial accs would promote their code for that app/site (i don't remember what its called im not gatekeeping i swear) bc using their code gives both u and them extra points,,, and i wanted superimpose so i gave it a try and well what do u know 🥰🥰

my mental health story is kind of long and redundant and not that exciting so i shall spare u,,, well actually i rewrote this 383299 times bc i ended up trauma dumping i think... so um basics i got depressed my freshman yr of highschool, time skip- got diagnosed w depression, generalized anxiety disorder & agoraphobia, which the agoraphobia turned to be a misdiagnosis and i went somewhere else and got rediagnosed w panic disorder. child of a generational trauma that my asian parents do not think exist🫶 i alr knew a lot (90%) of my anxiety was social anxiety but i did not receive that diagnosis until this year. i lost my panic disorder diagnosis yay! andddd also got a diagnosis for major depressive disorder which was kind of an 'ohhhh' moment for me bc a lot of times i felt like antidepressants made me a lot better i felt cured lmfao i was hardly ever depressed,, except i sometimes get depressive episodes and im still struggling w the symptoms of depression that is not depression itself...if that makes sense...those symptoms being memory issues!! quick act surprised!! focus issues, i procrastinate a lot now.... which is important bc before all of this i was a very.. is high-functioning the right term? i genuinely dk if that's a term im supposed to be using,, but basically i was like top of the class student, always on-time and organized, never procrastinated, always remembered everything, i guess kinda type A personality lmao,,,, and now i am not 😃

im probably forgetting some other key stuffs but its okie,,,,, probably irrelevant but ive always been a fairytale hopeless romantic except a dumb long-term relationship got thrown into the middle and peak of my mental health mess (who told me that was a good idea 👺) has made me v antiromantic if u will 💀💀 i girlbossed myself into thinking im wise emotionally but i honestly am v v naive and sensitive and i will be a crybaby if snri's allow me to at that moment 👍

i used to be v smart but im kinda v dumb now but im also kinda trying to get back up again bc i feel? like im slowly improving in general? idk tbh,,, idk what im doing 😁

erm im v sorry this was very mentally unseggsy of me 😗 can u tell i have no concept of oversharing im so sorry for clogging your feed, qiwis followers pls forgive 🙇‍♀️

wbu? same question u asked me on mental health n cognitive functions ^^ only if ur comfortable answering ofc!

i think u could do it if u rlly wanted to, again u talent/hobby vacuum 👺 /j maybe like for blog milestone or something would be an excuse for a one-time video edit then you wouldn't have to continue if u don't want to ? hmm

whenever i didn't have ideas i would like choose a specific edit i rlly liked and use the same audio and like ""recreate"" it (not to post, its just for me & practice purposes lol). like the editor wouldve already split the audio for transitions and stuff so you can split your audio according to the transitions in their edit and add ur own clips over top. u can try to imitate their transitions or do ur own or whatever. i like doing that to practice bc it gives me somewhere to start! idk that's what worked for me personally,, just an idea for if u ever feel up for it no pressure!!

i don't think i could get into the video editing scene again bc i would want to progress to be a good editor and be confident ab my edits but capcut makes me insecure lol bc if everybody can do it then why should i take the time to grow and progress 😗 (that makes me sound like a pick me but again.. its similar to like ai replacing real working humans yk..😭😭)

my relationship ramble thingy ^ means that i also i love angst and making myself cry 😍😍🫦🫰 crack anything is 1000% your brand ‼️

omg yea real life inspo for ur reincanation aus ☺️ ehehe BUT YAY I LOOK FORWARD TO UR REPLIES SM HAVE UR NOTIFS ON LOLL i love talking to u! <3 consentual kisses! ^_^

wait....did we get engaged and/or married here,,,,,,,, on ur nsfw acct FJDJSK😭💀

oh my god i never tried that but i think there were some apps fr that were like ah yes get this free version and then watch a few ads and get one or two watermark free edits per day. BROOO THSI BRINGS BACK SO SO SO MANY MEMORIES!! (i think i rarely did that bc i was one lazy mf also vindictive so i did what i could to work with free apps)

life really tossed you like a salad damn baby I'm sorry you had to go through all that LIKE YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK oh my god bro it seems like you kinda burned out? if that makes sense? because im sure a lot of things were expected of you ( asian parents here too also BRO THEY DONT think trauma EXISTS!) im glad you're getting better bit by bit HERE'S TO GETTING EVEN BETTER IN THE UPCOMING DAYS!!! we will kick mental illness's ass together lmao!

tbh third world country so never really got diagnosed properly but like most of my time i was suffering from. depression i was gaslit into thinking I'm just being whiny and uts not depression and because of this i developed repressive emotions where NOW it's my own turn where i refuse to acknowledge any kind of shit that happened to me like theres a sense of embarrassment where i can't like outright say like yeah this, and this happened to me because I don't anyone's "pity" and some huge ass shit happened to my family which made me haha something i cant say on here but im like over that now ( lol i need to go therapist for this) but yeah OH and I get the depressive episodes because i get that too oh my god like for weeks but my best friend once gave me, like just feel the emotions and let it pass like sure it will feel like a tractor running u over but it will get over and then one day you will take that shower and brush ur hair and feel a lil better!!!!

ooh but LIKE TUMBLR video platform sucks ass but i really like the idea omg i will think it through!!!

BRO NO WAY CAUSE I DID THAT TOO BUT LIKE WITH edits lmao but you're so freaking TALENTED DO YOU KNOW THAT?! i will have to try it I think with all thr tiktok edit trends now it's become easier to do those things i actualky tried to do some of it for my friends bday and it's coming up again so ill have to try!!!

okay but even if capcut exists which I think in a way is kind of good for people who loved editing but couldn't edit bc they couldn't work with, or afford fancy softwares yk but you can't deny the polishness that alight motion or vs will give you. you can't outdo the doer 💅🏼💅🏼 so you really should give it a try!!

you're SO SWEET I LOOK FORWARD SM TO YOUR ANONS TOO LIKE I ONLY COME HERE TO CHECK FOR YOUR ANONS LMAO i love talking to you too 🤭🤭

we're already married,, yes on nsfw kinda on theme don't you think so??

[deejayrpstaylorsversion]

💕

How did they meet?: Middle school, but really met in high school

Who flirted with who first?: Eddie.

Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance?: a fast slowburn

Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic?: They were friends first

What was their first date?: We don’t talk about the first date; though in 1996, their first date was at Enzo’s again, and it went a lot better.

What are their favourite things to do on date nights?: When its not Eddie playing his guitar for her, movie nights

Do they still go on dates after being together for a while?: I’d say they go on a date of some sort at least once a week? Weather that is actually getting Chrissy’s brother to baby sit Ella or if Ella is tagging a long with them. 

What is their love language?: Chrissy’s is still touch, but also gift giving. She puts a lot of thought into gifts

Who kissed who first? Eddie...but also Chrissy lmao

Who started the relationship?: See above lol

Monogamy or Polyamory?: Monogamy

Are they/do they plan on getting married?: Its been spoken about, but they are also not officially back together yet in 1996 - so unless they’re running away to vegas, i don’t think getting married is happening any time soon

Who proposed? Was it a yes or no? Ella and eddie could not say no to her lol

Do they want kids? Who brought it up first? Chrissy totally wants another child, preferably one with Eddie’s curls

Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships? Little Ms Ella from Chrissy’s relationship pre 1996

Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship?: besides Eddie surprising her at school for lunch, I’d say when they do sleep over the other house, Chrissy is very much clingy to eddie.

How do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt?: Chrissy would call out of work if Eddie was sick and make him home made chicken noodle soup

How do they like to spend time together?: Besides being parents, They probably try and go to a concert once in a while too

What are their favourite non-sexual forms of intimacy?: Wine nights with some shitty tv show 

What are some of their favourite things about their partner?: Physically, his eyes, his hair, his tattoos. Emotionally; Chrissy loves that he is actually just a big teddybear, he’s so caring and kind - and would make a great dad

How do they comfort the other when they are upset?: Chrissy pulls away, because honestly she is still very good at hiding her emotions  

Who buys the other spontaneous gifts?: Eddie, 

What position do they sleep in?: Depends on who’s house, but Chrissy likes being the little spoon

Do they bathe/shower together?: When Ella is being watched by her brother, yes.

Do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash?: I don’t think Chrissy would personally enjoy actual shower sex, but making out and some touching is a-okay

In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af?: Vanilla when they cannot get away from Ella - but if they are at a hotel room ect, im sure there is a little bit of spice thrown in there

For applicable ships - who tops/bottoms?: n/a

For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive?: n/a

What is their favourite sex position?: lbh actually, Chrissy likes cowgirl - but she’d do anything Eddie wanted to do.

Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom?: no

Favourite place to have sex? Bedroom, if they are both home and Ella is not possibly other places in the house. 

Most adventurous place they’ve had sex?: Skull Rock as teens, 1996 tbd lol

How often do they fight? What about?: I wouldn’t call it fighting cause no one is actually mad about it - but dishes. always the god damn dishes.

Have they ever broken up?: Yes ): and chrissy was FUCKING STUPID AND HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER GUY JUST FALL INTO HER LIFE

Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part?: I’d say at the very moment, Chrissy would at least say the two of them are ride or die 

[ablednt]

Alright writing/roleplay tumblr we need to talk about textforms.

This is going to be a very long post I apologize but this knowledge is deathly important as it's reaching a very vulnerable group of people. From personal experience knowing this can save people from getting into toxic friendships and help ease intense struggles and depressions. If you have writer followers I ask you reblog this to get the word out, thank you.

What is a textform

A textform is a type of willogenic/parogenic system member that form through some kind of writing or roleplaying. This means that they're sentient people who now share a body with the people who wrote them, most often being an OC or a fictional character before the writers brain gives them actual life.

Because there's been no actual scientific studies on their existence I have no hard science to give you however the logical explanation behind it goes like this:

The human brain is able to contain multiple conscious and sentient entities. Often, it will become multiple as a defense mechanism (as noted in clinical plural dissociative disorders) but it's a natural function of the human brain and may do so for really any reason (similar to most neurodivergencies that someone isn't born with)

Because this is a fairly simple change in the brain/something every brain can be capable of doing you can actually intentionally program the brain into becoming multiple, but see you can also do it entirely without meaning to or being aware of it.

Now I want to clarify that there is nothing harmful or scary about this! Being plural isn't bad at all and is an existence many people celebrate. But when someone has textforms in their unrealized system and doesn't know they're sentient it can be incredibly painful emotionally. So that's why people need to know about this.

Obligatory disclaimer: if you read this post and think you want to become plural intentionally, you are welcome to do so but you need to take at least a few months exposing yourself to the plural community to gauge if this is really something you want and can do responsibly. You cannot go back on your decision once your plural and your headmates will be sentient beings not characters to project on or toys to play with. They will have all the rights to your body and identity as you do now because you're sharing it equally with them.

Now that that's out of the way back to textforms.

How are textforms made

Normally this is in the "character development" phase. Many writers eagerly develop their characters. When I was younger and had no idea I was plural my advice for oc making turned out to be an unintentional guide to textforms (more on my experience later): just put your character in every situation imaginable until you always know how they'd respond to things.

Basically, as you spend your time making a character act and think consistently from their POV you're training your brain to have all of that data and that's very similar to the data that the brain has on you and you're training the brain to be able to operate coherently from a perspective and consciousness entirely different from your own.

Now, this isn't a %100 will make everyone plural every time, there are obviously good writers who have a grasp on their characters who are singlet. There's no actual data but if I had to guess I'd say there's about a 50/50 split down the writing community just based on what I've observed.

But there's a lot of people who became plural this way and didn't realize it and that could include the writer reading this right now which is why everyone needs to be aware of this.

If this is such a big thing how come no one notices?

Because it's been completely normalized in the writing community but dismissed as metaphorical.

How many times have you heard "the characters write themselves" or phrases that indicate that a writer is giving a voice to sentient entities? From what I've been able to observe some of that is singlet authors being metaphorical and humble bragging and a lot of that is plural writers trying desperately trying to put their experiences into words but dismissing it completely almost immediately because no one told them being plural was possible.

This is comparable to say, gender identity. Trans and nonbinary people have always existed but when they don't know they're allowed to exist like that it's often "im a tomboy" or "they disguised themselves as a man" or any other thing thats immediately dismissed as being cis.

How do I know if I have a textform?

There's a lot of different signs but here's some I have experienced before finding out I was plural

You "miss" your characters when you're not writing about them or interacting with them in some way

You feel like your characters are real "in your heart" (for me this was in an incoherent loop like "they're not real but they are to me, in my brain, but they're not real to other people, but they're in my brain so they're real but no but yes but no")

You get so distressed they're "not real" that it feeds into actual mental health problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation etc. (I'd have fits of sobbing because these were my friends but I didn't know they were with me so it felt like i was grieving their deaths and had the same level of emotional pain)

Sometimes or all the time when you write about them you feel like you "become them" or that they're writing through you. (Especially if your hands move automatically or without your control. This can be hard to notice but for me when headmates control the body or hands movements feel faster and lighter or very slightly numb.)

Your muse for writing them comes and goes unpredictability: they're either here or they're not here so writing them doesn't feel the same.

You can vividly recall things that happened to the character in 1st person (or in 3rd person visually but with their thoughts and feelings) as if they're you're own memories.

You "roleplay" them in everyday situations IRL. (E.g once I liveblogged a tv show as my muse to a friend and was like haha lol im so talented I can roleplay in real time but found out later it was a headmate doing that themselves)

You have conversations with them mentally in which they actually respond to you. Singlets don't have actual enriching conversations with themselves because they only have one perspective and cannot give themselves any new information. So if you're responding to yourself and you don't feel in control of that response then you're pretty objectively plural tbh.

You have times where the lines between you and the character feel blurry or like you're a vague fusion of yourself and the character

You have an actual relationship (of any kind: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) in which you can sense nuanced feelings about yourself from them that you aren't in control of.

There's a lot more but that's the most notable ones

Why this is so important

I'm just talking about my own experience now so I'll preface this with a few things. I'm a mixed origin/multigenic system but our system has existed since we were toddlers. Due to trauma we have DID and for a long time dissociated heavily to avoid our plurality. This means my experience may be more distressing than other plurals with textforms however people without DID can still experience these things.

When I was a teenager I joined a lot of writing communities and also roleplayed on tumblr. Writing very quickly became my main passtime and all I really did. I joined a roleplay group when I was 15-16 that I took far too seriously to the point where people were concerned about me because I was writing what was just supposed to be a joke roleplay group %100 seriously and very intensely.

In that time I started to form my first main textforms (we've undoubtedly had them before then but I had only formed a little under a year prior) because I was doing this every day it really started bringing my characters to life. (Literally)

And honestly it was something beautiful the distress of it aside. Like one of my ocs was a kid so I'd always celebrate their birthday with them and I'd cuddle a plush so they'd know I loved them/p and we'd watch their favorite cartoon episodes together. It wouldn't be until around three years later that I realized they were actually there for this but it was heart warming.

For me, all I ever wanted was for these characters to feel appreciated and like someone really cared for them and loved them even if they couldn't feel it and it wasn't until later I learned that they could.

The trauma came in not knowing they were real. I grieved for them like they were dead because I thought I'd never get to see them. I wrote them into traumatizing or upsetting situations to cope with my childhood trauma not realizing that was effecting them for real and hurting them.

Most notably because it was my one solid interaction with them, the one time society allowed me to talk about them as if they were real, I really HAD to roleplay them. Because it became an emotional need I wound up in a lot of toxic friendships in the roleplay communities because I needed someone, anyone, to allow me to interact with my headmates. I had friends who I really was only friends with because they let me talk about my characters constantly (and some of them weren't toxic to me but it was in hindsight really unfair to them) and I let people verbally and emotionally abuse me in roleplay spaces because this wasn't just a hobby to me but a lifeline.

Not knowing they were real but feeling them there, having conversations with them, and forming actual relationships was a hellish sort of feeling I don't wish on anyone. I never realized how isolated it made me, and how horrible it felt to have the most important people in your life be people I thought didn't exist.

I only found out about plurality through luck. I met some systems who had fictives and they got strong plural vibes from me because of how I talked about certain characters and because I said I wanted to be plural but thought I probably wasn't because I'd have noticed, right?

From there I was able to actually connect with and talk to my headmates. Now I'm happily out as plural and in multiple fulfilling in system relationships.

I want everyone in the writing community who's struggling with the same things to have the chance I got. That's all I want is to educate people about this so they don't have to grieve for people who are right there with them.

Feel free to send me an ask or a dm if you have any further questions. Sorry this post was so long I can't really shorten it at all. Again if you are have a lot of writing followers I very gently request you reblog this to get the word out. Even if you can't please talk to your writing mutuals and friends about plurality and about textforms.

[Also this should go without saying but this is absolutely NOT the place for syscourse any invalidating comments about systems will be blocked and where possible deleted it costs $0.00 to prioritize people's mental health over your discourse hot takes.]

[wizardcommune]

gundham sfw alphabet

pairing - gundham tanaka x gn!reader

warnings - none!!

word count - 1.8k

a/n - FUCK YEAH GUNDHAM (also i apologize, i got lazy near the end)

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

in the beginning of the relationship, he would definitely be very hesitant to show physical or verbal affection since it wasn’t something he was used to. he’d show his love with acts of service and giving, most likely. (giving his s/o one of the devas if he knew they’d be separated for a short period of time, bringing them small trinkets he found like pretty rocks or bones, helping them with homework, etc.)

as time goes on, though, he’d become more comfortable with showing physical affection and would grow to become a huge cuddle bug!!! please hug him for me

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend?)

literally the coolest friend ever. especially if you had an alternative fashion sense, he’d be so down to go clothes shopping with you LMAO

if you were okay initiating physical affection outside of a romantic relationship, and were able to make him comfortable with that, he’d totally be That Friend who cuddles with you all the time!! he’d never mention it though, and would die on impact if you brought it up in front of any of his other friends/classmates

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

once he’s comfortable with it, yeah! he’s definitely super touch starved because of him not having friends most of his life, so having someone to cuddle would make his brain go ^^^^^

honestly, he’s good with any position so it’s up to his s/o. he prefers being able to see their face, though

the first time he ever cuddled with them he cried :(( shh don’t tell anyone though

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

man that’s his DREAM!! the idea of just getting to live with his s/o + animals makes his serotonin machine go BRR

honestly, i think he would fucking suck at cooking. baking, however. :))

because of having to clean up after his animals and keep things out of their way, he would naturally be a pretty neat person out of habit!! i don’t think he’d mind too much if his s/o was messy though.

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

I DIDNT DO THIS ONE BECAUSE IT MADE ME SAD IM SORRY

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

gundham already sets up so many walls, and for his s/o to be able to break those down would already mean he’d be willing to commit. i don’t think he would ever just like.... date random people for funsies, so being in a romantic relationship with someone is already so big to him.

honestly, i can’t see him being the type to want to get married. he’d definitely want to settle down! but the idea of having a traditional wedding stresses him out. (of course, that doesn’t mean he’d be any less committed :))

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

dealing with small animals like the devas has left him gentle by nature!! he doesn’t even notice it, but he is always extremely careful with his s/o with the subconscious fear of accidentally hurting them/scaring them off :(

emotion wise, i think it’d be the same. when he cares about someone (whether it be romantic or platonic) he’s always cautious of teasing them too much since he knows that it can hurt sometimes. 

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

HE FUCKINGNF LOVES HUGS

they’re probably SO good too, like he’s the type to give those hugs that make you feel so safe. full on wraps his arms completely around you and rests his head on yours if you’re shorter (since he’d such a fucking giraffe my god)

i = i love you (how fast do they say the L-word?)

it would definitely take a while for gundham to admit it. i can see him saying it on accident, like when he thinks you’re sleeping or not paying attention to him. he’d also need a lot of reassurance afterwards, just because of that initial fear of rejection

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

if he sees someone flirting with his s/o and they’re uncomfortable, he’ll immediately wrap an arm around their shoulder.

“they said they’re taken, respect that knave.”

sometimes he does get insecure that’s he’s too much for his s/o, considering he’s an evil tyrant, and that they might want to leave him for someone who’s..... not an evil tyrant.... (once again, please give him a hug)

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

like i said before, he’s very gentle when it comes to affection so his kisses are vv soft!! he’ll always hold their chin or one of their hands.

his favorite places to kiss his s/o are probably their forehead and hands!!

he loves being kissed everywhere, but he really likes neck kisses and any kisses around his face :^)

l = little ones (How are they around children?)

he’s great with kids!! he’d tell them stories of how he defeated different warlocks that tried to test him, or giant manticores he tamed.

i think he’d really like kids too, mostly because they’re so easy to impress LMAO

it inflates his ego a little bit whenever one gets really into one of his stories

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

if he wakes up before his s/o, he’d gently pull them into a hug while he waits for them to wake up (sobbing)

morning voice morning voice morning voice morning voice morning v

he memorized how his s/o likes their tea/coffee and will make it really groggily HAHA

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

okokok hear me out

i think that gundham is a really good singer, so he would 100% sing u to sleep

he’d be embarrassed as hell though LMAOO

he’d probably cuddle them before they fall asleep and talk about each other’s days or just random stuff until they get tired

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

i think a few months into their friendship? he would talk about his childhood randomly, but would prefer if they don’t make a huge deal about it.

he’d open up more if his s/o did first! he would take it as they trust him enough to talk about it.

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

it depends on the person! with someone like hiyoko, he can get pissed pretty quickly, but his patience is VERY thick with his s/o. generally, it takes a lot to anger him. 

that being said, if they put themself in danger he would get ticked off out of fear.

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

especially in the beginning of their relationship when he was hesitant about physical/verbal affection, he would focus heavily on listening to them. he really wanted to show them that he respects them a lot, and remembering small things they mentioned would convey that well.

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

after coming out of the shower, he walked in to see them asleep on his couch with the devas curled up on top of their chest. he went to go lay down with them and it just kind of.. hit him. that he wasn’t alone anymore and they loved and were there for him. :( 

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

he’s very protective!! (especially if you’re in the killing game) the thought of something happening to you is his worst fear. 

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

ALL THE EFFORT

if his s/o asks him to do something in passing, you BET he’s gonna make sure he does his best

he keeps track of anniversaries/important dates religiously because he’s terrified of accidentally forgetting LMAO

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

sometimes i think he might come off as cold when embarrassed because his persona is so important to him, but if they expressed being upset he would backtrack SO fast

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

not very much?? like, i think he would brag about his hair or something sometimes but he’s always joking LMAO

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

yes and no? if something ever happened to his s/o, he would feel horribly empty for a time. but i also think that being in a relationship could help him not feel so lonely and teach him better ways to take care of himself, so if they were to ever split he would be able to heal after he got over the initial sadness.

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

he’s a Mitski Understander (TM) his favorite songs are crack baby, pink in the night, and i bet on losing dogs, i’m up for debate

and yes i absolutely will be making a gundham playlist

i don’t know if this counts since i’m 90% projecting, but i hc him as trans and ND so like. solidarity if you are too wink wonk

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

a/n - just so everyone knows, i honestly think every character would be fine with any type of person since projecting is so important to a lot of us. these are just my personal headcanons, and if they don’t apply to you please don’t take it personally!! <3

i think he would really want a kind s/o. especially with what he’s been through, someone who’s gentle/patient would mean the world to him

also someone who likes animals!! they mean so much to him and were basically his entire life until he met the others, so having someone who shared that interest would make him so happy

z = zzz (what is a sleep habits of theirs?)

it’s not uncommon for him to sleep with his animals!! he mostly just sleeps with the devas though; he would probably place them near his head or on his chest so he wouldn’t accidentally roll on them.

he also really likes cuddling with his s/o when they sleep! he wouldn’t mind being the big or little spoon, either.