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justadudetryingtobeahero · 9 months

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“Are you guys ready?”

“Huh? Ready for what?”

“To save the fucking world. One person at a time.”

I used to be the guy that said shit like this all the time at work. Reminding people that we get to work, we don’t have to. Self love was the woven into everything I did because I found it to be the most useful philosophy propelling me to where I wanted to go — feeling free, doing what I wanted everyday, plenty of time for self care, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I did massage therapy at the top clinic in SF, but subtly integrated coaching around nutrition, mindset, sleep, and movement into everybody I worked with.

Then COVID happens. The clinic closes and my first thought it, ‘Fuck yeah, the world is forcing me to do what I’ve always dreamed of, switching my practice to be fully remote so I can travel and surf and teach people all over the world all the stuff I’ve learned over the past decade helping people get out of pain.’

But first, I deserve a little break. I’ve been grinding hard for a solid 2 years. I can chill on unemployment for a bit and move in with my parents in SD while I build my new business. This fucking voice in my head destroyed me, literally.

I was no stranger to self sabotage, it was probably the only consistent trend through my life, creating an awesome life for myself and then finding a a way to blow it all up and start over.

I ended up “chilling” for 3 years. Draining all my savings. Letting all my self discipline fade into nothingness — no more workouts, no more meditating, no more cold showers, no more cooking healthy meals, no more working. Depressed as fuck, crippling social anxiety to the point where seeing my closest friends was terrifying — imagining how I’d answer the question “How are you?” felt exhausting. I’d either have to lie and put on a fake ass smile saying “Good dude, how are you?” Or I’d have to be honest and describe the dumpster fire of a life that I’d fallen into.

I felt useless, trapped, hopeless, and couldn’t see a way out. The only thing that seemed to make any sense was to end it all. The thought of an endless silence… fuck it sounded so nice that i found myself living in that silent, peaceful fantasy for weeks. So I start googling and it turns out google actually does a really good job of bombarding you with resources and stories designed to help get you out of the darkness when you search for anything related to practical suicide methods.

Something deep inside of me forces myself to read a few. Bullshit, bullshit, bullsh… god damnit. One finally hits. Something about neurology and mental loops we get trapped in, but have the power to get out of by focusing on something else. It gives me a flash of my old life, of the shit I used to tell people. I decide to fight the darkness the only way I can think, just hit a workout, unleash all this pent up sadness and anger and shame on the pull up bar.

5?!?! That’s all this useless fucking body can muster right now?! Fuck that. I can obsess over getting strong again. Another phrase i used to say comes to mind, “Getting back into working out is great. Sure you’re weak, but it takes barely any time at all to get a great training session in.”

Out comes the training journal. Buried in my closet in a box of my old stuff. I flip through it and look at my workouts from years ago, from when I was in peak form. More anger at myself starts brewing for letting my body slip into this weakened, soft state. Give it to this workout. Start over. You know the way.

A path emerges in my mind. Just get back in shape. One workout at a time. One meal at a time. One good night’s sleep at a time. One fucking day at a time, I will forge this meat suit into hardened steel again.

Deep down I know these thoughts aren’t the way to sustainable happiness, but it’s all I feel capable of right now, and I’ll take it.

The thing I learned to love about health is that when you fully commit to optimizing any facet of your own health, be it physical, mental, or emotional, the steps required to push it over the top bleed into every other facet to some degree. Like if you’re trying to get in shape and you want to do everything you can to get there, sure you must workout, but you also have to eat well, get good sleep, take care of yourself mentally so you don’t burn out etc. So all it really takes is that initial commitment, some form of burning desire (unfortunately it’s usually some form of intense suffering) that causes a shift inside yourself inducing a newfound commitment to growing in some way — in anyway, and soon enough everything is going to be trending upward, blasting the fuck off.

Just commit, we deserve it.

Somewhere I heard that the root of commitment was that you were chopping off all other possibilities, so the only way forward is whatever you’ve committed too. Regardless of the truth in it, I fucking love that. No other options make it stupidly simple.

A few months go by. We’re working out again. Meditating. Eating well. Starting everyday with water, sunlight, and movement. It doesn’t stick like it used to though. Everyday becomes a battle to the death between that god damn voice telling me it’s not worth it, to just chill, and my will to ignore it, to fight, to chop off all other options save the one that I know will move me forward.

A year goes by and I’m worn down. Exhausted again.

Why is this so hard. I remember it being easier this deep into the practices. I remember these habits becoming self perpetuating at this point.

Enter the final catalyst.

A beautiful woman, a devious minx, freshly out of long term relationship. Immediate, intense physical chemistry. I’ve been on this ride before. Time to strap in and prepare for take off. I know there’s a time bomb somewhere on this bitch, but I’ll find it, disarm it, and we’ll fly this ship into the stars.

Lmao. Silly hopeless romantic. All rocket ships blow up.

But why?

When I finally started hearing the detonation timer ticking down, frantically searching for my parachute, what I found was the final piece of the puzzle. It had literally been sitting right in front of me for years.

The mountains call to me. I decide to hit a solo backpacking trip. Pack my shit, unknowingly throw the last puzzle piece into my bag — an unread book that had been collecting dust for 5 years. Social media used to bombard me with all things self love and I used to listen, so why would I need to read a book titled, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It?

Mountain climbed. Hammock setup next to jaw dropping alpine lake with snow capped peaks in behind it. The book gets cracked open, along with my soul, expecting nothing, and yet finding everything, again.

It felt like how I would imagine an eagle suddenly, immediately remembering how to fly would feel.

Of fucking course.

The deeper why beneath it all.

Love.

For myself.

6 hours of cycling between reading, crying, laughing, smiling, self love meditations, and experiencing the most intense feelings of gratitude I’ve ever felt, for Kamal fucking Ravikant.

This beautiful, courageous, vulnerable human hits me with a gripping, relatable story of his past, a practical solution to our problematic themes of the past, and finally a post-script that is the hardest hitting “It’s okay, we all fuck up and will continue to” metaphor of all time.

So here we are, two weeks later, magic dripping back into my life, habits starting to flow again.

There are still battles everyday, but I now remember to fight them with love and gentleness towards myself.

And you know what?

It’s getting a little easier everyday.

It gets harder sometimes too. When mental patterns of the past start losing their power, they elicit powerful responses to try to take it back.

But re-digging the mental groove of self love is starting to let life flow again. Flashes of effortlessness and deep feelings of knowing that this is the way, contain enough fuel to blast off this solo ship into the stars.

Hammering in healthy habits is great, useful, but searching in external sources for love and validation that is readily available within ourselves is a sure fire way to make life feel like an endless fight to the death, and eventually explode.

We got this.

#self love #self care #hero’s journey

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i-just-wanna-be-fuckin-happy · 10 months

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Writing Prompts to Jump-Start Your Inner DM

Sometimes, getting started journaling seems really daunting. Where does one even begin? You begin exactly where you are, my dear. Here are some prompts to use as jumper cables for your writing. Let’s go!

“Today, here is what I feel in my heart…” Keep writing until you’ve emptied out all of the things you are currently feeling.

“Today, here are ten things I like about myself…” If this is incredibly difficult to do, you still MUST do it. You must COMPLETE the list. When you complete it, please send it to me. I know how hard it is to write down what you actually value about yourself, and I’m proud/happy/excited to read what you wrote!

“Today, I am grateful for this very small thing that happened yesterday…” Let it be something slight but nice. Did you see some great flowers? Did someone from your past email to say hi? Appreciate a little thing. If you can’t think of something, your homework is to find one little thing to relish later today. Yes, I just assigned you homework. Deal with it.

“Dearest Journal, I have a question I have been mulling over in my brain and I thought you might have an answer…” Write down just the question today, and then tomorrow be prepared to be amazed when you can answer it more easily. Your “journal” (i.e., innermost self) might have answers you don’t.

“Here is what I want people to say about me when I’m not around…” How do you want to be known and perceived? This is a useful tool for uncovering the kind of person you are working toward being. What accomplishments would they laud? What characteristics would they love about you?

“If nothing else mattered—not money, not other people’s expectations, not kids, not jobs, nothing—my dream day would look like…” Be super specific! What do you DO in your dream day? Do you eat a chocolate croissant looking out over the Seine? Do you run a business where you’ve hired all of your friends and you sit at the head of a reclaimed-wood boardroom table? Visualize every aspect of that day because THAT is the day we are working toward. I wonder, are there little elements of it you can achieve now? Go get a croissant; tell them to add it to my tab.

“Today, I set an intention to act with…” Write out how you will carry yourself today. Do you want to work on focusing on one task at a time? Do you feel like you’ve been a little mean to your roommate lately (Why can’t she load the dishwasher correctly?! Is she trying to drive me crazy?!) and so you want to act with more affection (OMG STOP, Tara! Who cares about the dirty dishes! She’s your best friend; she deserves kindness, not you being so nitpicky!)? Check in with yourself throughout the day and see how it worked out.

“There is something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to deal with, but I haven’t for some reason. Here goes…” It’s amazing, but most of the time we actually know what we most need to tackle. We just need to commit to it. If you find yourself writing, “I don’t have a boyfriend,” “I don’t have the job I want,” “I don’t have a flat stomach,” write instead about what you DO have. “I have awesome friends,” “I have a candle that makes me happy,” “I have money in the bank and food on my table.” It will make you feel better and reframe your perspective to notice what you do have. Every. Single. Time.

#journal #journaling #selfcare #self love #healing #healing journey #law of attraction #love #love yourself first #love yourself

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thewriting-corner · 1 year

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Linking Mental Health To Your Writing

Hello people. I am currently on deadline, and while that is making me really stressed, it’s the first time since I started this post that I feel remotely okay lol. Here’s to finally finishing it and posting writing advice- ish again (half rant, half advice). WUUUUUUU

TW: depression, anxiety, my horrifying coping mechanisms in 2020 lol

Introduction

It’s no secret that I have amazing mental health, by which I mean I’m constantly laughing at my terrible coping mechanisms,

mommy issues, and occasional depression and anxiety. When I was young(er), these are the things that made me want to write. Because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to friends, writing BECAME my coping mechanism. It was great for some time, but after a while it began to develop some faults.

Not Sustainable

Now, I will not tell you how to or not cope with your problems and mental health. I am not a therapist or a specialist at ALL, but I do know from experience that this is not sustainable in the long term. It’s okay to write when you are sad or angry, but when you’re only able to write when you’re sad or angry, it can become a problem.

Of course, if you write as only a hobby and a way to cope with sadness, okay, you do you. But if your end goal as a writer is to make this your profession and sell books, it’s okay to take a moment and breathe. For me, I did this a lot with poetry. I only wrote poems about heartbreak and pain, and while I was okay with this being my niche, after a few months it became extremely hard to separate my poem reality from the real one. The lyrical I in my poems was in constant pain, mourning for a love she lost, but in real life? I was yes, lonely and in pain, but I still had so much to live and laugh for. I learned to wield my pain like a pen and that was great, but it took over me to the point of it actually worsening my mental health. Instead of only being sad sometimes, I would feel horrible all the time. It was no longer just the heartbreak of remembering what had inspired the poems, it became an everyday feeling that I couldn’t get rid of.

Self-Worth

My inspiration being based only on bad mental health was not only worse for my, well, mental health, but it began to affect how I felt about myself as well. Before, it was AMAZING that I’d never written a poem and then I was spitting them out four times a day. Later on, if I couldn’t write I was a failure. I sucked. Not only was I broken because I was unloved, but I couldn’t even do the one thing I had learned to do okay enough. And if I couldn’t do that, what was I even worth as a person?

The right answer is yes, yes I was, BUT bad mental health brain told me I wasn’t. And from there the only place I could keep going was down, and if you think I became a better writer for it, you are so, so wrong. It got to the point where I even gave up on poems too.

What To Do Instead

Okay so enough with the sob story. We all have bad mental health days and sometimes we take it out on the poor innocent character who was been mentioning for the last 20 pages how eager they are to create a future with their love interest. THATS OKAY!!!!!! The problem is only when you go overboard with it and are only able to write when you feel like crap.

If you are in this position, first of all, you’re awesome and deserving of love, and even if you kinda sucked you would be deserving of love. Second, if it’s something that happens often it’s time to seek help. Whether that be talking to family members or journaling or going to therapy is up to you. But turning a hobby into the only way you may remain emotionally stable is bound to become a disaster.

I wish I could give advice based on my experience, but as I mentioned before, I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve become unable to tap into that brain space that allowed me to write them. I burned out, pretty much.

Now, I’m so very sorry but I’m about to self promote lol. I’ve been pretty open about my depression episodes because, well, I have a problem with oversharing lol but also, because I’m really passionate about destigmatizing mental illness. And so, it’s no secret that my upcoming book The Sun Leads Back To You (coming April 14, 2023 hehe) was born during one of my worst depression episodes in years. So how, oh so wise Lu, is that any different than using writing to cope?

Well, my dearest reader, I did some things that helped me not fall even deeper than where I was at the time. First, I wrote what began as a not-too-sad story. I incorporated many of the aspects that had me depressed, yes, but they were secondary to the fluffy outline of the plot. What I needed when I started writing was hope, and so I began to write a story of a broken girl who gets the happy ending she desired.

I didn’t allow myself to become consumed with it. With my poems and with the other book I was writing at the time (another big reason for my starting to write TSLBTY), I became obsessed. In 2020, at the peak of my editing The Wrath of Chaos, I once edited almost 50,000 words in one week while in exam season. How? By sacrificing the one thing that kept me sane at the time: sleep and breaks. For every second I wasn’t thinking about school, I had TWoC in mind. And for every moment I wasn’t just thinking about it or studying, I was writing. Which meant I was barely sleeping or eating. It came to a point when the few hours I did sleep, I was hallucinating. And if I wasn’t hallucinating, my intense writing sessions would leave me forgetting the world of TWoC wasn’t real, and it would take me minutes to recover from the realisation that Marty and I were different people.

In hindsight, the hallucinations weren’t that bad, honestly, but it was hard sometimes to know what was dream, reality or a mix, and that really screwed me up. So when the time came to write TSLBTY, I didn’t allow myself to become so immersed in the world that I would struggle with the line between Sofia and Thomas and myself. I forced myself to have other goals and a life other than this book. Did it make it harder to write sometimes? Yes. But I’d rather be struggling to complete a deadline than forget the difference between real and fiction again.

Along with one of my previous points, I’ve made it a priority to not make it a lonely journey. Writing may be one of the loneliest professions and hobbies, but it doesn’t have to be. Having friends to lean on when a scene is hard or to celebrate accomplishments has made writing a trauma-packed story a lot easier to bear.

All that said, I truly believe the most important thing you can learn as a writer is to learn to separate your self worth from your writing. We are SO much more than words on paper (or lack thereof lol). It’s hard to remember sometimes, but when it is, I think the best we can do is take a look at other people around you. Your friends and family are not just side characters in your story - they have goals and lives and dreams, etc, and so do you. Your worth is NEVER defined by what you can or cannot do. Realising this isn’t a guarantee you won’t burnout, but it’s a least a cushion to fall on when you inevitably fail. And when you do, at least you know you’ll be okay <3

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warmau · 3 years

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Love Struck!AU x SF9

lately i just need to write about every member of every kpop group being in capital L love. find other love struck!aus here: monsta x | day6 | ateez | the boyz

youngbin

overcompensates with selfless acts that go above and beyond what any person deserves

offers to carry your bags, learns about plumbing when you mention you have a leaky faucet, asks if you want him to drive you to your appointments which you are perfectly fine getting to on your own

if there was a puddle of mud on the ground, youngbin would throw his brand new jacket over it just so you could walk over it

even though you could literally just. walk around it

doesn't even realize he's overdoing it

he just loves you and therefore knows he has to show it at any given part of the day

but not like in an aggressive manner

just a small smile and a "i can pick you up and drop you off if you want!"

dawon: actually, youngbin, we have practice at that tim-

youngbin, shoving a sandwich down dawon's throat: so you said noon right?

when you respectfully decline any of his help, mostly because you are worried you're using your friend for his kindness, everyone assures you that's not it

actually everyone is super confused how you haven't seen why it is weird that youngbin would commit hours of research for you when you ask offhandedly if you should visit europe for the summer and then show up at your door with ten pamphlets on different european destinations 'by chance'

because - that's weird - and weird means, in the great way of sf9, that he has a crush on you

"youngbin, you're being so nice to me these days how could i ever repay you?

youngbin about to say that there's nothing you need to do, he just likes being able to help

dawon, shoving a sandwich down youngbin's throat for revenge and also to answer on his leader's behalf: "actually, if you could finally go on a date with him - i think that would repay it."

you get all shy and murmur that you don't know if youngbin wants that, and youngbin can only vigorously nod that he does

(due to the sandwich)

inseong

no clue if puppy syndrome is a thing, but he's got it

the human embodiment of big puppy eyes whenever you're around, big puppy pout, big puppy wagging his tail at just the mention of your name

even without all that - the energy that exists around inseong when you are near him and giving him attention - it's enough to quite literally blow everyone and everything else away

and there are lasting effects

as in you walk away from the conversation and fifteen minutes later inseong still can't make out a single word, just chin on his palm - daydreamy look in his eyes

jaeyoon tries snapping his fingers in his face, tickling him, even flicking his best friend straight on the forehead but.

nothing.

the only way he breaks out of the spell you cast on him is either a long time passes or you show up again and inseong is back at your full attention

it's getting bad, like to a point where he walks into walls or drops his phone in the sink when he starts thinking about you

incidents where he nearly topples over onto poor chain who is like get off of me you are built like a skyscraper

or just flat out doesn't move a muscle in the right direction during practice and it's literally driving youngbin mad

so jaeyoon (like the best friend he is) arranges for you to come hang out with him but tada it's actually a candlelight dinner in the sf9 kitchen he and the rest of the boys set up for you and inseong

and you're like w....whats all this and inseong is like i don't know either

and jaeyoon (who like the best friend he is picked the nicest smelling candle from the tj maxx sale aisle) appears and lights it and is like this is for you two to confess and for inseong to be cured of puppyism

you: puppyism?

inseong, red as a tomato: i think he means like the way i act around you like a - um -

jaeyoon: like a lovesick puppy, so like....collar him or whatever

you and inseong both looking at him like do what? and jaeyoon is like sorry that didn't come out right

either way you get the point please date the oversized man whose brain wont work unless you give him a kiss

jaeyoon

opposite of his best friend, jaeyoon doesn't need to fall over his feet when he's lovestruck

he will literally just let you know how he feels

"i like you"

you smile at him and laugh, "i like you too!"

and jaeyoon is like amazing so we are both "liking" each other how lovely how nice

and that is....................where it ends

he literally is so preoccupied with the concept of confessing that he forgets the part where he has to like.

confirm the relationship

so for like a month after you are both just saying 'i like you' to each other and he thinks it's romantic and you still think it's platonic

it's a mess

he keeps asking himself when the right time to ask you to go to the movies with him is, if he should pull out the home cooking - why haven't you pulled out the home cooking? do you not "like" him enough for that?

he paces around before you come over because is he dressed too casual - i mean he's your boyfriend, he should put effort into it right?

and then you show up and nothing is different and everything is the same and when inseong is like

jaeyoon you're dating them right, why don't you guys like kiss? and jaeyoon is like holy shit i haven't even thought about that yet

and dawon is like how have you not thought about that kissing is all i think about ever

and so jaeyoon's head gets even more scrambled because now you come over and he's like ..... kiss......lips......mouth...hand? kiss on mouth...hand...lips.....hug?

and you're like what? and he's like hug lips mouth? and you're like jaeyoon are you ok?

oh my god at some point you're both alone and jaeyoon is walking you home or something and he reaches out to grab your hand because like that's normal right? people dating do that right?

and you're like oh! and he's like is this ok? and you're like a-does it mean something?

and jaeyoon is like it means the same thing as i like you....you know....like how i said it a month ago and i just thought we could take the next step-

he's rubbing his neck and blushing and he has always been sauve and straightforward and it dawns on you that the entirety of this month he has been saying he likes you like in that way

and you're like wait you like-love me? and he's like yes wait what did you think- and you're like i thought it was like-like ....like friend like?

you and jaeyoon just staring at each other and then he's like should i let go of your hand then

and you're like no. actually just kiss me we've wasted a LITERAL month

dawon

always the class clown, being lovestruck somehow only tends to make it worse

but not worse like oh he gets louder and cracks more jokes.

my man has upgraded to mildly dangerous body humor.

you are all together and dawon is suddenly like you guys think i can climb that uneven, rickety tree? and youngbin is like no and you're like no but dawon is like it'll be fun just watch

dawon: should i drink spoiled milk

you: why-

dawon: im hardcore it'll be fine - look im just a goofy guy who - oh my god. call an ambulance.

the idea is that every time you are in the vicinity and glowing like an angel without a halo dawon is like

gotta do something so outrageously stupid that it grabs their attention and/or lands me in a situation where i can excuse myself to run away from my feelings. perfect.

it's literally the dumbest logic on the planet

everyone tells him it's the dumbest logic on the planet

but dawon is convinced it's the best reaction to....to the butterflies in his stomach

of course, you don't find any of it amusing, you are just in a constant state of worry

one time dawon takes it too far and probably tries to do something that could actually seriously hurt him

and you stop him by grabbing him and being like stop - i don't know why you don't care about yourself but i care about you so stop being stupid

and dawon is staring down at you like

"pause, you care about me? like on a scale of 1-10 how muc-"

you kiss him and mutter a "11" and dawon thinks he sees stars

youngbin thanking you profusely like we were worried for his actual literal life

zuho

rather scream into the void than confront how he feels about you

the private twitter account is blowing up with tweets about how he wants to hold your hand and how that makes him pathetic

dawon replying under each of them: tru

rowoon replying under each of them: not true!!!!! love is awesome!!!! pog as chani would say!!!!!!

you talk to him about something and his ears are full of white noise and he cant help but think about how your face is somehow the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and how he could write a whole album about the curve of your nose and the color of your eyes and -

you ask him what he thinks and he can only reply with a sound that is both pained and high pitched and when you raise your eyebrow he's like gtg uh feed my cats

when you're around he disappears to "feed his cats" like . ten times

surprisingly being a lovestruck fool does fuel his ability to make music

but it is also sad and about being heartbroken and the members are like hey do you wanna talk about it and zuho is like no

there are spotify playlists with your name, there are journal entries about you, there are iPhone notes app scribbles about you

he's down bad

everyone knows he's down bad

you also figure out he's down bad and so you finally confront him

except you're like......... zuho who are you in love with? ill help you if i can

and he looks at you like a deer in headlights because that's the most bizarre shit you could ask him

and because of the shock he blurts out the truth

"you. i love you."

screams after and you jump up and he's like i need to leave and you're like AT LEAST LET ME SAY IT BACK?????

rowoon

it's the cluelessism of it all

he looks at you one day and instead of just being a person you are beaming at him like a direct sunray and he's like woah! weird!

he just kind of becomes more clumsy around you since you've got this new effect on him

trips over his big feet, giggles randomly while you're talking, forgets he's in the middle of the street when you're walking by his side and someone has to honk three times for him to start walking again

honestly no one can tell what's wrong with him

because is he like ... is it early onset amnesia? is he just spacing out?

even chani notices the shift because rowoon has gone from annoying him to laying half off the couch with his hand in an empty pringles can

"what are you thinking about?"

rowoon just mutters your name and chani is like .... i don't know about all this but maybe you like them?

reality hits rowoon like a freight truck .... liking you? that's new

he googles 'what to do when you like someone?' literally googles it

tries to show you by playing it cool, tries to show you by showering you in random compliments but he's tongue tied when you smile so he's like i love your hair it looks like. cheese

embarrasses himself over and over and over until he just hunches himself over one day and is like

why is liking someone so hard? isn't it supposed to be easy?

and you're like haha i know the feeling, ive liked someone for so long but he never takes a hint and rowoon is like omg who

and you look at him and you're like well he's a tall clueless handsome guy

and rowoon stares at you like he sounds nice

and you're like you

and he's like oh that's nice - WAIT

taeyang

flirts with you but it flops because he's been flirting with you since you first met

so you cannot tell the difference and taeyang is like what am i doing wrong

inseong: karma for always winking and calling them cute when now you want them to do it back to you

taeyang: shuttup sad old man

inseong: you've been hanging out too much with chani. sniffle

he decides ok so regular flirting doesn't work, so what about lowkey flexing?

he wears the expensive watch and puts his hand in front of you like, hey and you're like hi? and he's like notice anything? and you're like .... um..... oh, your tag is sticking out of your shirt! and taeyang is like .........F

ok so not flexing, what about compliments?

he piles like ten of them on you and you're like oh - thanks, but i don't really like this outfit anyway and he's like....F

ok so not flexing, compliments, let's try playing hard to get

he gives you the cold shoulder when you come over and you immediately are like taeyang are you mad at me if you are im sorry so stop being a weirdo and he's like........F

finally he just reverts to himself and just keeps up the regular flirting and the soft touches and smiles

and he realizes the difference now is when he flirts - he just has to follow up on it

so when he asks " i cant taste my lips, can you do it for me?"

and you reply with "sure" and roll your eyes

he just . does kiss you and you're like oh.

and he's like well what do you say and you're like your lips taste sweet and he's like NO I MEAN-

you just kiss him again because now you get what he actually means LOL

hwiyoung

sulks when you're not around, and then doesn't go near you when you are around

it's like please make up your mind

is the definition of if i stare at you long enough you will fall in love with me right?

but he stares from ten feet away

it takes everyone all their strength to drag him out of his room when you're over and even then he puts his hoodie up and plays with his shoelaces and acts like he's a five year old

when he gets put next to you in the car ride somewhere he almost passes out from holding his breath from nervousness and you turn to him and you're like hwi you're turning purple?!?!?

you tap his shoulder when he isn't looking and call him hwi~ and he thinks his knees like. give out he crumbles to the floor and you're like oh my god are you sick??!?!!?

to put it simply, being in love forces him to lose his human ability to live

gets a pep talk from literally every member about how he cannot act like this. it's giving you the wrong impression and yet he just

he can't do anything about it you enter his personal space and the little nerves in his brain go haywire

"i don't want them to think im being rude, but it's kind of like im allergic to them."

"oh - you're allergic to me?"

hwiyoung turns and you're giving him a look and he's like oh god i mean - i don't - i mean like -

and he doesn't know what to say but you just giggle and you're like "fine, if you're allergic we'll have to make immune"

and he's like blinking like wha-

you wrap your hands around him and he's like !!!! and you're like here just take me in large doses until you build up immunity ok?

hwiyoung nodding because he has forgotten the entirety of the korean language

chani

realizes he's being freaking weird when he bails on his plans to eat and game to hang out with you

prioritizing social interaction over being alone in his room......now that's not normal

yes, ok, so he likes you - but now he's like

no one can ever know that. i will not be left alone if anyone finds out.

unfortunately, he asks jaeyoon of all people if he knows what food you like and jaeyoon is like

OH YOU WANNA ASK THEM ON A DATE RIGHT SO YOU WANNA LOOK UP RESTAURANTS WITH THAT FOOD RIGHT?

chani standing in the doorway like. what. no....

the minute chani starts picking the spot next to you when you're all together is his downfall

the entire world knows how he feels and he's like oh fuck seriously

he helps you go shopping and he comes home and every member is just like :) tell us about the date :)

and he's like SHUTTUP

calls you by a nickname and rowoon almost chokes on his food in surprise, because chani?????? gave someone???? a nickname????? and it isn't a combination of the word ass and hole?????

he cannot escape the fact that little things for others, are big things for him

being attentive and caring and even just smiling in your presence is enough to give away how he's feeling

let alone he dropped a rank in league so everyone is like ah - he's distracted with someone~!

it gets unbearable to a point where chani is like i cant live with these people always bothering me so im just going to confess

he pulls you aside and is like "i want to date you - is that ok?" and you're like of course, was wondering when you'd ask dummy and he's like,,,,,,listen,,,,

assumes the teasing will die down when you both come into the room holding hands

BUT OH IS HE WRONG

inseong: i got dibs on being the wedding planner, eat dirt youngbin

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littlenahsstuff · 3 years

Text

In love, I swear.

A/n Literally my first time writing actual fanfiction. This might be a flaming dumpster fire idk. I will persevere and cringe later, but for now, enjoy.

supreme!Cordelia Goode x reader

TW:nothing much, just a big old fluffernutter sandwich. A little angst. Swears I guess.

Synopsis: Cordelia has just recruited you to be a counselor at Robicheauxs and it's safe to say you are head over heels for the supreme. Unfortunately, you aren't the one to tell her.

You always thought that you weren't too special of a witch, you had the basic witchy spells down and specialized in the people who struggled on the inside... but in a more witchy sense. You also helped the witches who needed to get their powers more developed or who ones that are just behind in school. A sort of glorified counselor you suppose. It's sorta funny, especially since you aren't the most confident, how you can talk to all of the girls. When it boils down to it you are just a witchy gal searching for love. Specifically Cordelia's. It could never happen though.

Your love life wasn't the only area you lacked in before Robicheauxs, you had been struggling to find a job suited for your interests. Let's just say that you have a lifetime ban from one of the Mcdonalds in Louisiana. Fire and grease doesn't mix.

Of course, if it wasn't for dear, sweet, precious, Cordelia, you would be living on the streets. Luckily that didnt happen and so here you are today, three months in to your teaching position at Robicheauxs.

Oh, the moment, "You're hired. I look forward to expanding the academy's family and getting to know you better especially," left the Supremes lips, the better off you were.

And yet, even with all of the joy that comes with finally getting paid, there were the challenges as well. For starters, everyone was extremely nice to you, even though you kept mostly to yourself, there was this one person that made this heaven more hellish. Madison the bitch witch Montgomery.

You had been warned by Zoe, your closest confidante in this new place and also Madisons freaking girlfriend, that she was no pleasant peach. Never in all of your doubtful thoughts, had how bad it actually was crossed your mind. It was never the cockiness that got to you, you had a different appreciation for it than most. Found the confidence refreshing almost. No, no no no no. It was in fact, that she was constantly trying to dig up dirt on you.

"You're too much of a goody two shoes y/n," she once stated with a glare. The same day you had heard Zoe squabbling about something and your name came up. Your name and the fact Madison had stolen your wallet to look at your license. It turned up later on your bed stand.

Madison's a lover of Zoe and drama you've come to find out.

It's harmless though really, you dont mind the extra bit of attention that comes with it. Its flattering so no need to complain to anybody, especially not Cordelia.

Cordelia, mmm, yeah now shes the biggest threat here. She is the reason you got this job and might be the reason you lose it.

She once caught you with your doodle journal. It was a harmless question,

"Y/n, what're you drawing?" She looked over your shoulder. You almost jumped out of your skin and your sketchbook went flying.

"Oh dear, are you alright?" She worried her lips a bit. Her big, plump, kissable lips. Come on Y/n, get out of it.

"Yes," you squeaked. Sinking farther into the sofa. She chuckled her beautiful chuckle and sat on the couch arm.

"So, what was my favorite school counselor drawing just then?" She questioned. Glancing to the thrown book.

Your face went red.

"Uh-" you paused, come on you're making it a bigger deal than it has to be, "you." You couldn't look into her eyes.

She gazed at you at you and it felt like a hole was being burned into your skull.

"Okay," Cordelia said, leaving it at that. Stood up and made to walk away.

"Wait!" She paused and turned back to you, seeing you scramble to get your sketchbook.

"Yes?" Her eyebrows raised in surprise.

"I- don't you want to see it?" You said and you slapped yourself mentally for about the hundredth time she walked in.

She smiled softly at you, "Of course, I thought you didn't. You looked scared to death, like bambi."

"Okay," you flipped back towards the page and cringed. It wasn't your best peice. You could never capture her beauty right.

Her eyes scanned over it, widening before squinting with her grin.

"It's so good!" She gasped.

"Yes, that is Cordelia Goode," you joked in a monotone manner. She slapped your shoulder jokingly, making you snort.

"You nerd, I didn't mean it that way. Either way, you did a fantastic job! I wished I looked as good as you make me seem," she muttered the last bit, bit you heard it. It saddens you to remember the damage Fiona did.

"Hey, Cordy," you started. You realized that you used a nickname that Madison did, but she doesn't seem to care.

"You know what I think? I think that you're wrong. You see I just can't for the life of me get your soft proud loving smile right. Your eyes aren't as warm and glowing as they are in reality. I couldn't manage to picture the right placement for those worry lines or crowd feet you have. You might not like them, but to me they show that you worry and care and that you laugh at the stupidest of things, which is a trait I adore. You are more perfect than any Davinci or Van Gogh," you say. You don't like when your friends feel bad about themselves.

Cordelia's tearing up a bit and wiles it away. "Didn't know you were a goddamn poet too?" She joked with a giggle, "thanks y/n, sometimes I need to hear something like that."

"No problem Cordelia," I can't help it, you're my muse, is what you want to say.

"Well, I have some paperwork, but it was nice to see ya," she hurriedly excused and rushed out.

Unbeknownst to you, Madison was watching. She knew exactly how to get dirt on you now. She had something all along.

The next week you spent daydreaming about Cordy...elia, you couldnt help but go back to that conversation. You needed to be more discrete, way more descrete.

So you made sure to draw your crush no more. That didn't change the fact you forgot to destroy the evidence in writing.

You had slept in a little too late, so in a rush you were to get to your office. The reason you had being you daydreaming about Cordelia and yours faux life together a little too long.

A bunch of new juicy stuff for Madison as she snatched it from your bedside table. It was too easy really.

She opened it up to the first page. It acted like a normal diary, just stating checklists of things to do and things you did. The size was fairly large, so skipping a few pages till she got to the juicy stuff and the part where you actually did know Cordy wasn't harmful.

It was a barf fest of emotion. "Oh Cordelia is so awesome, oh I'm so lucky to work with Cordelia, oh my, I won't ever get a chance with Cordelia, she's the supreme!"

"Ew," Madison groaned, whipping out her phone.

Then she found it, the goldmine of confessions. It was all the way in the back, meaning you had wrote it recently.

"Dear, myself

Cordelia today caught me drawing a picture of herself and said something I didn't particularly enjoy listening about herself. I can't believe Fiona would send her into such a deep hatred of herself that even with her gone she's hurting. She's no mother. Cordelia is the love of my life, even if I'm not hers, she deserves all the love I can give. She's not broken, but she just needs someone to love her and I do. I promise to give her as much love as possible without her finding out what kind it really is, I'm in love, I swear.

Sincerely, Y/N."

So she snapped a picture of the page.

After school was over Cordelia was not expecting Madison to barge into her office. Let alone with something regarding YOU of all people.

"Cordy, I've got something to tell you about y/n!" Madison sang out, waving her phone in front of Cordelia's face as she sat on top her desk.

Madison was just careless with others and too carried g about herself. It was the perfect storm. The only person who could ever take it too far to just prove a point. That there was something wrong with you.

If Madison Montgomery had taken one moment to actually think about it, she was just jealous. Jealous that another person at the coven was better than her to Cordelia. She was one spoiled bitch growing up. Guess it backfired.

"What?" Cordelia questioned in concern, "Is she okay? Madison what did you do to her!?" Her thoughts raced, Madison's pranks often went a little too far. She did kill Misty.

"Now now Cordy, don't get your panties in a twist. Here read this," Madison demanded to her supreme, she shoved it into her face and Cordelia grabbed it.

Her eyes expected headlines on the news or a mugshot, but she realized it was just your writing.

"Madison," she warned.

"Come on, I know you can read!" Madison poked Cordelia's forehead, prompting a slap from the Supreme.

Ms. Goode exhaled, "Fine."

Her eyes fluttered over the words, brows furrowing with every sentence. She couldn't comprehend, could she read?? It seemed to her as if her brain was creating what she wanted to see, but no, you wrote it. Unfortunately.

Everything's silent. Then the thought flits across her head, you like her back.

"In love, I swear."

Oh she's mad. Not at you, no, she could never. Madison on the other hand better,

"Get out of my office right now," Cordelia whispered. Madison's smile faltered.

"What, didn't you want to know your feelings are reciprocated? Come on, I'm just trying to get you two to speed up the process." Madison hopped of the desk and sauntered out.

What has she done.

Cordelia was wracked with guilt for awhile, with no way to tell you either. How does one even go about telling someone they read their deepest darkest secrets. How!?

She couldn't, so she did what she could. She pulled away from you and into her work. All of those lunches spent together stopped. The nights in the green house gone. Reading together on the weekends by the fire, gone.

And it left you empty. You had no idea what you did, but you must've done something.

So you decided to confront her, you hadn't gone much sleep since, so you were literally and figuratively tired of all of this shit.

Your knock on the door startled Cordelia, but your presence startled her even more. Both of you looked like wrecks.

"Oh, Y/n! Please, come in," Cordelia gestured and you did, closing the door behind you.

It was then that you finally broke down.

"What did I do Delia!?" You sobbed, falling to your knees. Yes it was dramatic and not even you expected it but you were holding your emotions for so long.

"Oh," Cordelia briskly moved over to you, concern painted on her face. She was watching you carefully, you looked so fragile. Just like she had felt at times.

"I'm sorry," you whimpered, "What did I do?" Her hand tilted your head towards her, but you still couldn't look into her brown eyes, opting for the floor. If you did, you probably wouldn't be able to look away.

"Y/n look at me sweetie," the nicknames never failed to make your heart soar. It was your weakness, your eyes met and they were glued there.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing nothing!" She took a deep breath, "I saw a page from your journal."

You froze, terror crept up your spine.

"Oh my god. Um Cordelia I am so sorry, you, wow I- god I'm so creepy! It's perfectly fine if you want to not be my friend or fire me. I didn't do it to be weird, it was how I expressed myself. I was trying to hide it I promise, i dont even know what happened!?"

"I'm gonna kill Madison, faster than my mother did," Cordelia groaned.

"Wh-" your brain malfunctions. Is-Is Cordelia kissing you? Right now?

Indeed she was and just like you dreamed about, her lips were so soft and her kiss gentle.

Maybe Madison could be forgiven... but not without a harsh talk.

"In love, I swear," she repeated in a whisper against your lips.

#sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader #cordelia goode x reader

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ravennm84 · 4 years

Text

Career Advice

Hi everyone!! This story was inspired by a news anchor that I saw on TV, and thought to myself “what would happen if Alya asked that woman for an internship and showed that woman the Ladyblog.” There wasn’t originally going to be Alya redemption, but I decided that the girl needed some love too. Warm-Fuzzies and please enjoy!!

Alya was practically vibrating in her chair as she sat in the reception area of TVi News. She had heard from Aurora and Mireille that there was a summer internship opening and that she should submit an application. She had spent an entire week working on her resume with her mom’s help, citing her blog as experience. Her mother had told her that she might want to double check all her stories before going in, but already knew that she’d be fine. After all, she was an awesome reporter.

There were four other people in the room with her, and she was definitely the youngest. Two of them looked like they were university age and the other two probably attended lycee. That meant that they likely had a bit more experience than she did, but Alya was confident that her blog would set her up for the win. Not only that, Lila had put in a good word for her with the higher ups of TVi News. All she had to do was nail the interview and the internship was hers!

It was about an hour and two interviews before her turn came. Holding her head high; she grabbed her tablet and portfolio, straightened her skirt, and walked in as smoothly as she could in her heels.

The person conducting the interview was Claudia Ramonte, a no-nonsense kind of woman that always seemed to be on a deadline. She preferred people always be on-point and despised people that wasted her time. She was a legend in the industry, she had been an investigative journalist for over 20 years before going into semi-retirement by helping run the company and hiring new journalists. It was said that she had an eye for who had talent and who was just playing journalist. And if you fell into the latter or made the mistake of insulting her craft, you could kiss any hopes of making it big in the industry goodbye. So as soon as Alya shut the door behind her, she put on her most professional smile and extended her hand to her.

“Mme. Ramonte, Alya Cesaire, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

She gave her a slight smile as she shook her hand. “When I saw that a kid in college was applying for the internship, I thought that you were either an idiot or you had a pair of steel balls. Show me which one it is.”

A little taken back but her forwardness, Alya’s hand shook slightly as she pulled her resume from the file and handed it to her. “As you can see, I’ve been running my blog, The Ladyblog, for close to a year and a half now.”

“Everyone and their mothers have blogs nowadays, Cesaire.” The woman scoffed as she tossed Alya’s resume onto her desk and turned to her computer, typing quickly. “Every candidate I’m interviewing today has at least two blogs, multiple news articles in their school newspapers, or videos from their college news or radio stations. What is it about your blog that makes you think that you are more qualified than any of them?”

Alya faltered for a second but wouldn’t be deterred, she was an awesome reporter and she would get this internship. “I’ve conducted multiple interviews with different celebrities; including Ladybug herself, other heroes of the Miraculous Team, the daughter of a diplomat who is also Ladybug’s best friend…”

“So have others, Cesaire.” She sounded bored, as she continued reading something on her computer screen.

Squaring her shoulders, Alya kept going. She refused to back down when she was so close to her internship. “I have also done extensive work on recording akuma battles and have compared my footage to other sites. None of them get as close or in depth as I do.”

“And why do you think that is, Mlle. Cesaire?” Her voice going cold

Alya blinked, not expecting the question. “Um… well-”

“Reporters and journalists are not to engage in dangerous situations that are considered life threatening. Whether someone is part of a staff or freelance, they are not to enter danger zones on their own, which you have apparently done numerous times. I will admit that when it comes to journalism, it is never without risks; but no story is worth your life.”

“But there’s no real danger, Ladybug always-”

“A terrorist is a terrorist, Cesaire.” The chill in the woman’s voice gained a hard edge. “And the attacks that have been done by the akumas have, on more than one occasion, shown the potential to be fatal. Should there be even a single time that Ladybug and Chat Noir not pull through, that could result in thousands of deaths. If you think that any credible news source would allow their people to do what you’ve been doing; then you’re more than an idiot, you’re a reckless idiot.”

Then she turned one of her computer screens towards Alya, which was queued up to the Ladyblog. “And from what I’ve seen from your blog in the two minutes you’ve been in my office; you are not only reckless, but mediocre in your work as a journalist. I have looked through multiple posts and have yet to see a single credible source mentioned. So tell me, how can you think that you are qualified to work here if you cannot follow the most basic rule of journalism and check your sources?”

“I can assure you, everything I post is completely true!”

“And I’m just supposed to take your word on that? Hardly.” She turned the screen back to herself, then started playing the first interview she had done with Lila. Mme. Ramonte played it for only 15 seconds, in which Lila claimed to be Ladybug’s best friend after she had saved her life, before pausing the video and looking at Alya. “If Lila Rossi, the daughter of a diplomat, had been saved by Ladybug, there would have been multiple articles and recordings of the incident. I just did a cursory search and the only link that came up connecting Rossi and Ladybug is your own blog.”

Alya was speechless. She wanted to say that Lila was telling the truth, but what reason would there be for Mme. Ramonte, who continued playing Lila’s interview, to lie? She stopped the video again a few seconds later, after the tale of saving Jagged Stone’s kitten from being run over by a plane on an airport runway. The look the legendary journalist gave her was that of total disgust and anger.

“Do I even need to list all the things wrong with

this story?” When Alya didn’t say anything, Mme. Ramonte went off on her, practically ranting. “Firstly, Jagged Stone has been quoted multiple times as being allergic to animal fur, and would not own a cat. Second, no one would allow a minor onto a airport runway, as it would be seen negligence and possibly as an act of terrorism. Even if she had saved some cat from being run over and Jagged had been grateful, no self respecting musician would write a song about a minor that was not their daughter, as doing so could have him labeled as a pedophile. You are very lucky that M. Stone has not seen this interview, because if he had, you would have been served with lawsuits for slander. So, I’ll ask again. Is there anything to keep me from saying that you are nothing more than a wannabe-journalist that isn’t fit to work at a news stand?”

She wasn’t even sure how to respond. Alya had been so sure that her blog was perfect, but after what Mme. Ramonte had said and how she was looking at her, she really did feel like an idiot for believing what Lila had said. Especially since she should have known better.

She now remembered when she flew to Spain with her parents when she was younger and how far away the landing strip was from the airport. There was no way Lila would have been able to see a kitten from that far away. Alya also remembered how she wanted to go outside and play, but her father told her that only authorized personnel were allowed outside at the airport. Then there was Marinette, the designer had mentioned how she couldn’t do certain designs for the rock star because he had fur allergies from when he was a kid.

Oh no, Marinette has been saying for months that Lila was a liar. Ever since she had seen Lila’s interview. And since she designs for Jagged Stone, she would know that Lila was nothing but a liar. She was also the one that got me my first exclusive with Ladybug, so she’d probably know that she was lying about that, too. And I had the nerve to tell her that she was just being jealous… I’m a terrible friend and an even worse journalist.

Looking back up at Mme. Ramonte, she was barely able to hold back tears as she shook her head. “No, Madame. There is no excuse for such shoddy journalism, it doesn’t even deserve to be called that. I apologize for wasting your time.”

The woman’s features softened slightly, but not by much. “You’re still very young and have a lot to learn about journalism, Cesaire. If I ever see you in my office again, I’ll expect more from you than any other candidate. That means looking out for your safety, knowing what is okay and not okay to publish, and checking your stories through multiple, reliable sources. I would also recommend killing your blog and starting new, the Ladyblog will become toxic to your career if it continues. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Alya couldn’t help but stare at the woman across the desk from her. Despite not deserving it, Mme. Ramonte had given her very sage and constructive advice that just might save her career in the long run. If she killed her blog now, started a new one or two, and followed her advice; by the time she finished lycee, she might be able to use them as proper references for her future career.

“Thank you, Mme. Ramonte. I won’t forget this.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Cesaire,” she waved her hand dismissively. “I’m going to remember this and I will be telling other news sources about your blog as well, to make sure you never repeat these mistakes again. So, if you are really set on being a journalist, don’t just prove it to me, prove to everyone that you are better.”

“Still, thank you. Have a nice day, Mme. Ramonte.” Alya stood from her chair but paused before she turned to walk away. “So you know, I think I’ll be doing one final post on the Ladyblog, to admit my mistakes and all the things I reported incorrectly on my blog, along with the sources to back it up. Sort of a final expose to rid myself of the bad energy from my blog, so I’ll be able to move forward.”

The woman gave a nod of approval. Before waving her out of the office.

Alya kept her head high the entire way out of the building while doing her best to remain calm, or else risk attracting an akuma. As a bit of a cleanser, she sent a text to Marinette.

To FashionGurl: You were right about Lila. I’m so sorry for not listening to you. Can we talk on Monday?

A few minutes later, she got a text back.

To FoxyJournalist: You can come by today if you want to talk.

To FashionGurl: Sorry, I’m going to be busy. I have a new story to write about that liar, one that will have multiple sources, showing everyone exactly the kind of person she is.

To FoxyJournalist: Can’t wait to read it!!

~oOo~

What followed for Alya was a very long weekend writing out every story/lie that Lila had ever told her and the class, research into Lila’s old schools, staking herself out in front of the Italian Embassy until Ambassador Rossi came out so she could introduce herself, and then a long conversation at a cafe with the very angry and distraught mother. There were a lot of questions, show-and-tell with the videos on Alya’s blog and news reports from Lila’s old schools, and then the recommendation that she go to speak with M. Damocles and Mme. Bustier.

Monday morning saw Alya going into the bakery before school, telling Tom and Sabine the truth about Lila, and then grovelling at Marinette’s feet for being such a terrible friend. One thing she did not hesitate to show the Dupain-Chengs were the records and news reports she’d found pertaining to Lila’s old schools. Tracking Lila’s social media, Alya had found three schools and discovered the kind of mayhem the girl left behind.

One school had a perfect student named Gaia, much like Marinette, bullied until she was expelled. Another school showed another popular girl named Alessia had “fallen” down a flight of stairs and broken both of her legs, a few ribs, and one of her arms. Even though there were multiple eyewitness reports that Lila had pushed her, the Italian girl moved before she could be brought up on charges. The report from the most recent school made all of them sick. A girl named Ludovica had been stalked, harassed, and bullied over social media beginning the day Lila joined the school until the day the girl committed suicide. A quick backtrace on the account showed that it had been set up by Lila Rossi.

It was quickly decided that Sabine would be going to the school to have a word with the principal and teacher. Alya gave them a thumb drive with a copy of all the information she had found, she had multiple copies, so that if they decided to pursue legal actions, they had evidence to back it up.

At school, Alya went to class while Sabine took Marinette M. Damocles' office to speak with him and Mme. Bustier, since the woman was decidedly absent from the room. She had barely sat down when Lila entered the classroom, spouting off some story about meeting Ryan Reynolds over the weekend. Alya barely suppressed her snide grimace before hiding it with a smile.

“Really, Lila? That’s amazing! Did you get any pictures? I would love to post them on my blog?”

Now that she was watching, she saw the girl flinch when asked for actual evidence before putting on a sugary sweet smile. “I didn’t get a chance, my phone died.”

“Oh that’s annoying. Where did you see him?” She asked, pulling up the movie star’s Twitter account. “Because you were here in Paris over the weekend but according to his social media, he was visiting his home town in Canada this week.”

Alya definitely saw the girl scowl that time. “Oh, he just said that so he could come here without anyone knowing. He’s researching a role here in Paris and I was showing him around until my mom called me home.”

“Didn’t you just say that your phone was dead?” That got the classes’ attention, as they had just heard the girl say that was the reason she hadn’t taken any pictures. Lila was about to spout some new excuse; but Alya, who was now channelling her inner Mme. Ramonte, raised a hand to cut her off.

“Don’t even bother coming up with another lie. I know you’re full of crap and it spills out of your mouth with every word you say. And before you try to accuse me of lying, taking Marinette’s side, or bullying you; I think you should know that I spent the majority of the weekend looking into everything you’ve told us.”

The entire class watched the Italian girl’s olive skin turn a sickly white. But Alya wasn’t finished, this girl had been attempting to do the same to Marinette that she had done to Gaia, Alessia, and Ludovica. And as her BFF, she was not going to stand aside and let that happen. “I have piles of evidence that you were never in Achu and have never met Prince Ali, you were just playing hookie. I’ve got evidence that you are perfectly healthy and have never suffered from any of the diseases or ailments that you’ve claimed to have since returning to school. I’ve also got evidence that you have never met any of the celebrities that you claim to know. That includes Ladybug.”

Not so surprising, Lila attempted to turn everyone against Alya by turning on the tears. “That’s not true! I would never lie about all of that. You’re just saying that because you’re mad at me for not getting the internship!”

When the class looked back at Alya, they were surprised to see her grinning like a fox. “Did I forget to mention exactly how I know you weren’t in Achu? Or how I know you're perfectly healthy and don’t know any of those celebrities you’ve claimed to be close to?”

She paused, mostly for effect before going in for the killing blow. “Your mom and I had a very in depth conversation yesterday when I ran into her outside the embassy. She wasn’t happy about your interviews on the Ladyblog, and she was confused as to why you were claiming to be Ladybug’s BFF when you’ve been telling her for months that she and Chat Noir were a couple of lazy, incompetent, and downright terrible heros; which was why the school was closed.”

If it were possible Lila paled even more before turning to run out the door. The door swung open just as she was reaching for the handle, and was met with an upset Mme. Bustier. “You are needed in the Principal's Office, young lady.” To the surprise of everyone there, Lila attempted to shove her way past their teacher. But the woman was faster and grabbed the girl by the arm in a firm grip before escorting her out of the room.

When the first bell rang a few minutes later, M. Harpele came in to act as the substitute until Mme. Bustier was finished with her meeting.

Marinette returned to class before their teacher did, smiling bright as the sun and visibly more relaxed than anyone had seen her in weeks. She sat down beside Alya and gave her a tight hug while whispering “thank you” over and over.

“I take it things went well for you instead of Lila?” Alya grinned.

Marinette giggled. “She tried convincing her mom that all of us were akumatized and were trying to ruin her life, but she wasn’t buying it. Especially when M. Damocles showed Mme. Rossi her school records. Mom demanded that Lila give a formal apology and confess everything to the class, or she would get the Board of Governors involved. When Mme. Rossi found out that Lila tried to get me expelled, she lost it and started talking about a catholic reformatory school in Italy. Lila looked like she was going to be sick when she heard that.”

“It’s not perfect, but it’s what she deserves.” Alya shrugged before looking Marinette in the eye again. “I’m really sorry, girl. You’re my BFF, I should have listened to you when you told me Lila was a liar.”

“No, I don’t expect you to listen to me every time. I just wanted you to check things out and make sure that you weren’t being taken advantage of.” Then her brow creased. “I’m curious, what brought all this on?”

“Let’s just say that I just got some much needed career advice.”

#alya redemption #lila salt #ml fic #lila karma #friendship #alya salt

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yourmcu · 4 years

Text

Wish You Were Here (i)

Pairings: Tony Stark x daughter!reader, Avengers x Stark!reader

Summary:

an Infinity War/Endgame AU where Tony Stark’s daughter (you) is one of half the population that vanishes in the snap, Tony finds out later on when he arrives back to Earth, devastated, then you come back like the others to help fight Thanos.

Word count: 2,030

A/n: (moved to the end of the fic!)

Warnings: angst, death, swearing, a lil soft!Nat in the beginning bc I love her, mentions of anxiety/anxiety

read on ao3!

Part 2

gif not mine! credits to the owner^^

You wanted to help in whatever was happening, you weren’t quite sure still, but it had something to do with the infinity stones and how you guys needed to find them before some guy named Thanos does.

It took a lot of convincing for Steve, Natasha and Rhodey (they were the ones more protective over you) to let you come, especially with Tony not around to scold you since he was in space.

“I’m coming with you guys whether you like it or not - no, I know what you’re gonna say, I can handle myself. I’m sixteen! Did you know Peter’s in space right now with Dad? Outer freaking space. You’re not the only one who has a suit, Rhodey-”

The argument ended with, “if something happens and I-” you dragged your thumb across your neck, “then it’s on me. None of you are to blame. Can we go now?”

So they didn’t have any other choice. You went to Wakanda with them to get the mind stone out of Vision and intend to destroy it afterwards.

Things got a *bit* out of hand though, there was an army of creatures - they’re from space, you assumed, working for Thanos - trying to get the stone. You fought alongside Sam and Rhodey, sometimes even fighting with Bruce who was using the Hulkbuster. You also helped the Wakanda tribes when they got overpowered by the creatures.

Even Thor came back to fight and he brought a raccoon and a tree with him.

The battle was going really messy, until - “Everyone on my position. We got incoming.”

You fly to where Cap and the team are, and there he is coming out of what appears to be a cloudy, blue grayish portal, Thanos himself.

“Cap, that’s him.” Bruce says as he hides you behind the Hulkbuster to shield you. He slowly walks over to the purple titan before saying, “stay down, [Y/N], alright?”

Did all of them suddenly forget that you, if not more, are stubborn like your father?

Because when all of them attack, you fly behind Thanos when he's distracted and wrap both your metal covered arms around his neck in stupid attempts to strangle him. He effortlessly uses his gauntlet to throw you back to the ground, knocking you out.

He eventually got all the stones, snapped his fingers when Thor failed to kill him, and left.

“What did you do?!”

“Where did he go? Thor, where did he go?”

“What’s happening?” You get off the ground as Bucky turns to dust. You look around and saw the air filled with the same dust, just from different people.

What the hell did that snap do?

People are vanishing, disappearing, are they dying? Why are they dying? You’re pretty sure you're panicking. Your lips start to quiver and you feel your chest tighten, making it hard for you to breathe.

Natasha notices right away. She's the one who could help you with your anxiety attacks besides Tony. She comes to you and places her hands on your shoulders, looking you in the eye. “Hey, it’s going to be okay, you’re fine, just breathe with me,”

You watch Wanda, one of your best friends, turn to dust too which did not help in the slightest. What’s worse is when Natasha holds your hands to calm you down,

They start turning into dust particles.

“No no no no no no,” you grow weak, holding onto her. “Nat, I’m scared - I don’t - I don’t know what to-”

“Y/N, just breathe like we practiced, okay?”

You try copying her breathing but it’s no use. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re still fading away. You look at her, tears threatening to fall out of your eyes, “I’m so sorry.” She has no choice but to hug you tightly until you get dusted completely.

The Avengers just lost a kid. Not just any kid, for them you were special. You always supported the team no matter what. They couldn’t even imagine what Tony’s reaction would be.

When Natasha told Pepper of course she didn’t take it well.

You were Tony’s own flesh and blood (and some one night stand chic that we won’t mention anymore starting now), but Pepper helped raised you when Tony first took you in and treated you like her own. Sometimes you even called her ‘mom’.

She was so relieved when a spaceship came by the compound to drop Tony off - he looked weak and skinny - she didn’t know how to break the awful news to him while he was in that condition.

“I lost the kid,” he meant Peter. What he doesn’t know was that he actually lost two.

“It’s been twenty-three days since Thanos came to Earth.”

Bruce and Natasha keep looking over one another as images of the people they lost in the snap took turns popping up as holograms. Rhodey feels tense and keeps tapping his foot - nervous of what his best friend’s gonna do once he sees-

Tony abruptly stands up from his wheelchair. “Stop. Stop there.” (“Tony, you need to sit down,”) “No.” He stumbles over to a particular hologram, the one with his daughter’s face.

Y/N Stark.

The room is awfully quiet. Despite you telling them that it isn’t going to be any of their faults if something happens to you, they still feel responsible for you.

“Was anyone going to tell me?” He speaks softly. Too soft and calm for all of them that they remain glued to where they're standing, avoiding eye contact. He clenches his fists and sends a look to everyone in the room. “You better not be shitting me I already lost Parker and I - I can’t - I can’t lose her. I can’t.”

“Tony,” Natasha says. “We couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

It's like being stabbed with his own blade all over again. She tells him everything that happened, how you got dusted like Peter, and Tony just stares blankly at your photo, looking very pale.

Tony takes a deep breath and pushes his glasses further up his nose, holding in tears. Good thing his glasses cover it up. He mutters ‘okay’ over and over as he takes a seat back in his wheelchair. Steve hesitates to continue the discussion but Tony encourages him to go on, even though he feels like he was literally dying inside.

His mood definitely went downhill from there - Tony's furious with himself. Furious with them, with Steve, that he takes it out on the super soldier. By the end of it he's on the floor, passed out.

“Dad, come in, it’s [Y/N]. Everything alright out there?”

“Oh y’know, typical day in the city - pair of aliens came to visit again.” Tony sounded breathless.

You paused briefly. “...what? W-well, do you need help? I can help, and Peter’s probably on his way there - he just made a lame excuse and hung up on me so, I figured he sensed something was wrong.”

“Yeah. Stay where you are and when things get worse, find Pepper and get to safety.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“Nope. Deadass serious. Stay out of this one.”

Tony opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings. He's transferred to a bed with the same wires poking his arm. He dreamt of his last conversation with you - before and while he was dragged to space.

“Hey, I’m still here, you know,” you cut him off while he was arguing with Strange.

“[Y/N]? How is this still connected?”

“I made the earpiece set myself - I guess it has really long range, huh?”

“You’re a nerd.” Tony cracked a small smile.

“Hi [Y/N]!” Peter shouted from a distance.

“Peter? You’re in space too? I’m so jeal-”

The line completely went out, guess the range wasn’t that long.

“Tony?” Pepper says gently. “You shouldn’t be up - it’s only been an hour since you passed out.”

He looks at her for a moment then returns his attention to the wall, eyes bloodshot. “Have I been a good father to her? ‘Cause I feel like she deserved more. Way more.”

“Of course, she loved you! Tony, [Y/N] loved you as much as you love her,” Pepper reassures, running a hand through his hair. “I know you’re upset but you really should be getting bed rest right now.”

He sniffles and gave a small nod, “okay.”

He closes his eyes again when she left the room and sigh, mumbling “goddammit kid,” before letting the tears flow down. Tony rarely cries. Barely cries. He usually keeps those stupid emotions in but this - the fact that his little girl is gone, it's too much for him. He realized never fully showed how much you meant to him and he regrets it.

Can't help but think that it should've been me Either way, I still wish you were here.

Fast forward to five years later: Tony now lived at a lakeside cabin with Pepper and their daughter, Morgan.

Moving on was better than to be sad and depressed for the rest of his life. That’s what you wanted for him anyway, to be happy.

So that’s exactly what Tony did.

He spent time with his family, made new suits which he enjoyed to do, living his life peacefully. That doesn’t mean he forgot about you. Sure the last few years were hard, he missed you every single day, but he had to face and accept it.

Tony moved your stuff from the compound and into a vacant room in the cabin. Sometimes he’d look through your crazy inventions, your journals that were filled with ideas for future gadgets and he hung up framed photos of you and him (some with Pepper) on the walls.

He told Morgan all about you. How awesome you were, how you were energetic and enthusiastic in everything you do, and how the both of you would be best friends if you two met.

“I wanna meet her,” Morgan says, looking at pictures of you.

Tony smiles sadly and looks at the photo of you and him. It was at your school’s science fair and your invention won first place (he remembered laughing at all the science teachers’ shocked faces because of your advanced gadget, way advanced than the grade you were in). Both of you looked really happy.

If a picture is all that I have, I can picture the times that we won't get back If I picture it now it don't seem so bad Either way, I still wish you were here.

“Someday, maybe.” He replies, giving her a warm smile.

Steve, Natasha and a new guy Scott visited him one day. They basically told him bringing back everyone who died in the snap was possible, hinting time travel.

Tony was torn. He didn’t want to risk losing what he had now, but bringing everyone back... that was something. Everyone in the universe that vanished, the other Avengers, the guardians he met in space, Strange, Peter, you.

That same night he thought about you, and Peter when he stumbled upon a picture of both of them. That same night, he figured out time travel.

“Hey legacy,” he chuckles a bit, remembering how you always frowned or pouted whenever he called you that. He likes that nickname on you though. “I... uh, this is just a little video. For you. Sure you won’t see this but... I like to pretend I could still talk to you. I miss you, a lot.”

“It’s been five years, hun. Morgan, your sister... you have no idea how much she talks about you. She wants to meet you someday,” he looks at the camera. “I know I can’t tell her the real reason why you’re not here with us, not yet, but anyway, ‘couple of old pals came to visit me. They want to try to get everyone back, that includes you.”

Tony sighs, looking away. “As of now I don’t know if we’re ever gonna pull off something like this. I figured it out, just a couple minutes ago actually. Time travel. It’s dangerous, very risky...”

“But we’ll see. We’ll figure something out. I hope to see you soon, [Y/N]. I love you.”

----

so I’ve cut this lil idea into two parts - I’ll probs post part 2 soon right after this one - if everyone likes it of course :)

oh, and I listened to this song by Neck Deep while writing this, which is where I got the title too, you can listen here. (I also put in some lyrics from the song to the story, just because it fits well hehe)

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fandom-necromancer · 3 years

Text

Coffee, crushes and complications

This was prompted by a lovely anon! I hope you like it, I sure did!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: pre-Reed900 [Prequel] [Part2] [Part3] [Part4]

‘Reed? In my office!‘ Gavin couldn’t think of what he had done wrong, but considering how many times he had heard this sentence before, the anxiety settled in immediately. Still, he stood up, downed the last sip of coffee and walked over to his boss’ office. ‘Yes? What’s wrong?’, he asked, sitting down in the chair in front of the table. ‘What’s wrong?’ The man in front of him laughed heartily and Gavin nervously laughed, too. God, had he phcked up that badly with his last job? ‘Reed, nothing’s wrong, quite the opposite! How you handled this rich asshole was… I would say impressive, but that doesn’t do the thing justice. God, how they could ever throw you out of the police force, I can’t understand. You didn’t let him off the hook until he answered your questions and gave him nothing to work with! That is investigative journalism at it’s finest and damnit, Reed, no one else deserves it more!’ ‘What?’, Gavin asked relieved, but also proud. ‘A raise! I would promote you, but I need you where you are now. I hope you understand that?’ ‘Hey, sure. Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than in the field.’ ‘Alright. Then I’ll just sign the papers and send them to you. Really, Reed, you out-did yourself with this one!’

When Gavin came home that day, the first thing he did was jump and cheer in triumph, then pick up his unsuspecting cat and hurl her around. ‘Oh, Bready, today is the day!’ He kissed her on her shoulder, before she finally decided she had enough with an angry growl. Immediately Gavin let her fall to the ground and hurried to the kitchen, grabbing the phone along the way. The number he searched for was only two clicks away and he let it ring while pouring out some kibble for Bready and heating up yesterday’s leftovers. ‘Hey, Eli!’, he excitedly called into the phone. ‘How are you? You won’t believe what happened today!’ He let his brother guess a few times until the microwave pinged and he let himself and his food fall on the couch. ‘Urgh, Eli you are boring and have too much creativity at your hands. No, I got a raise! Honestly, getting fired might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I get raises for being a nosy asshole! My new boss phcking loves me and my colleagues actually seem to like me. Oh, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. We need to celebrate that! When are you free?’

He took a breath and began eating while listening to his brother complain about new work politics. Gavin actually felt with him for once. His view on androids had changed quite a bit. He got to know quite a few androids during his work and the day one of his colleagues had come in in tears saying they would have to resign because of some anti-android assholes, Gavin had changed. It had only been a few months since he started his new life, but for the first time he felt like he had his life under control. And like he enjoyed it. Being fired from the only job he thought to be ever good in had been hard. But after being stuck in that low for weeks he had realised that if he wanted to be happy, he had to work for it. And he did. And it had become better. Seeking professional help, reconciling with his brother and finally finding a new job he actually liked had been the end of a long journey that was far from over. But he was happy. And he was confident it would go up only from now on.

Their conversation dropped into casual talk, a few jokes and teasing. It was already late when Gavin decided to end it for today. He was tired and he wanted to at least watch another episode of this new show he enjoyed so much. ‘Okay, so when do you actually have time? Tomorrow? Nah, can’t do, I’m meeting Tina at this new coffee shop. Maybe on the weekend? Yes? Oh, that would be awesome. Okay, bye! Love you too!’

He smiled as he wanted to stand up to bring the phone back, but Bready had already made herself at home in his lap, so he just laid it to the side and switched on the TV.

‘Hey Tina!’, Gavin greeted the woman already standing in line. She turned around and her face lit up. Shortly after, Gavin was encased in strong arms and had to chuckle. ‘Hey, hey, let me down, alright?’ ‘God, I haven’t seen you in ages!’ ‘You saw me last month’, Gavin reminded her. ‘I see you dipshit every week on TV! That’s not the same. I miss you.’ ‘Wait you watch it?’ ‘Of course I watch it!’, Tina said and punched his shoulder. ‘What do you think of me? Also, it’s funny seeing you be a dick to people that obviously hide one or two bodies under a rug somewhere.’ Gavin shrugged. ‘Well, whatever floats your boat.’ ‘It’s good to see you like it’, Tina then said seriously. ‘I worried about you after you left.’ ‘I know’, Gavin groaned. ‘But I’m fine, okay? Really, I feel better than ever. Now shut your mouth for a while, I have to think what I want to order for a moment…’

They got their coffee and tea as well as two slices of cake soon enough and sat down in a corner of the room. ‘So, how’s work on your end?’, Gavin asked. ‘Hmm, nothing interesting at the moment. We had a suspected serial killer last week, but it turned out the cases weren’t connected after all and thankfully nothing more than the two murders happened before we got them. Otherwise… Nah, nothing interesting you want to talk about.’ So only stuff regarding the new guy. Gavin had said upfront he didn’t want to know anything about the person that had replaced him. It wouldn’t be any use after all. Tina thankfully respected his decision.

‘I did get to know someone’, she then smirked as silence threatened to stretch. ‘A beautiful, funny android lady. She also likes cats!’ ‘Oh that’s cool, tell me more!’, Gavin demanded and smiled, listening to Tina ramble on, cake and tea completely forgotten. Gavin had been determined to listen intently to her, but his attention was drawn from her as someone entered the coffee shop. Someone very familiar. ‘You got to be kidding me’, he hissed, and Tina caught on to him, turning around. There at the counter stood Hank and Connor, looking at the board. Wait. Was that another Connor? ‘Hey, T, who’s the other Connor?’, he whispered. ‘Can’t tell you without breaking a promise’, she admitted, ducking her head. ‘No phcking way a damn Connor replaced me!’

Maybe he had been louder than expected, maybe Connor just had picked up his name, but the RK800 turned around to him, eyes going wide and tapping Hank on the shoulder pointing over. Hank looked in his direction and apparently wanted to bolt immediately, but the friendly barista behind the counter had already placed their drinks on it. In that moment, the other Connor following them had spotted him too. The next thing he did was march over with large steps.

‘Oh hell no, I’m not doing this! I-‘ ‘Hello. My name is Richard. I’m sorry to have replaced you.’ ‘Oh, get phcked!’ Gavin was not having it. He had wanted to drink his coffee and talk to his best friend. He had no interest in talking to this machine. ‘I have waited very long for this moment, my colleagues having tried their best to make this meeting impossible. So, no, I won’t “get phcked”. Not before I you didn’t accept my apology.’ ‘Yeah, whatever. It’s fine. I was an asshole. Deserved getting fired. Now shoo!’ ‘I still don’t deserve getting a job when a human needs them to survive. It wasn’t fair. I heard you… did not fare well after being fired.’ Gavin took a deep breath, before standing up, the sound of the chair scratching on the ground like a precursor of a fight. ‘Listen here, Richard’, he said, pointing his finger at his chest. ‘My personal history doesn’t concern you in the slightest, okay? It’s true, I wasn’t stable in my old job. I was easily angered, I overworked myself on a regular basis without even realising it in the end. I had no friends. I am depressed. My life was one giant, gaping shithole. When I was fired it was for a good reason, but it send me spiralling even deeper down. But you know what? One day I hit rock bottom and knew it couldn’t get any worse than this, might as well try to make it better. And I worked hard for it. I worked my ass off trying to rebuild bridges I’ve burned and seek help. Get over my own walls and live. Be happy. Find a job. And you know what, you goddamn tin-can? I did it. I am a different man and I am happy. So don’t-‘ He took another breath to steady himself. ‘Don’t you dare giving me pity. I am no sorry broken soul you can comfort so you feel better! So you have completed your good deed a day! I am fine. I am better than fine. So thanks, but no thanks. Don’t need it. Phck off.’

That actually worked. The android blinked at him, obviously processing, before apologising and heading over to where Connor and Hank had sat down. Gavin got back on his seat, too and took a large gulp of his coffee. As he sat the mug down, he stared into a grinning face. ‘What?’ ‘So aggressive’, Tina laughed. ‘Dude, the guy just wanted to be nice.’ ‘Oh, did he?’, Gavin grumbled and tried to get an inconspicuous look at the android. Of course, he had chosen the same moment Richard had looked over at him, so he quickly turned back around. ‘Yes’, Tina chuckled. ‘You don’t know how annoying he can be. Replacing you being unfair is the one topic he can’t shut up about.’ ‘Perfect’, Gavin sighed, but couldn’t keep his thoughts in check. Had this android really tried to advocate for someone he didn’t even know? ‘Yeah, always said how after going through your open cases and notes, he couldn’t believe someone fired you. He thinks you are some kind of genius I think.’ ‘Oh, wow, an android has a work-crush on me’, Gavin over-exaggerated and rolled his eyes. ‘Hey, you wouldn’t be that far from the truth there’, Tina shrugged. ‘”Gavin Reed would not have” is like every second sentence of his. It’s cute actually. And ever since you put him in his place just now, he is staring at you, that fancy mood-light turning yellow.’ ‘It’s what-‘ Gavin turned around, cursing when he stared in his eyes again: ‘Shit! What’s his problem? Anyways, you wanted to tell me more about Steph. Please. I beg you. Ramble about your soon to be girlfriend, I want to think about anything but this android.’

Richard on the other hand knew exactly what his problem was. He had exactly 335 software instabilities and errors to keep track of while he couldn’t keep his eyes off this human. He had known the man to be remarkable. But after that reaction? Oh, he definitely had to get to know him better. So, long after the human had left the shop and even after he had driven home, Richard was still planning how to see the man again. Maybe Tina had been right. Maybe he truly had a crush.

[>next part]

#detroit become human #dbh #Reed900 #Gavin Reed #Tina Chen #RK900 #Okay but honestly investigative journalist!Gavin would be something I would love to read more about #but I'd guess AO3 doesn't have anything on that #let's see #Also soft!Nines hell yes

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mishavacado · 3 years

Text

SPN has so much spinoff potential and so much canon to work with, it's such a waste that none of it's getting used. This post is just all of my spinoff ideas, I'll apologize in advance because it is VERY long.

Wayward Sisters, obviously. There are so many possible storylines to work with, so many stories to tell. I'd really love to see some Charlie, Eileen, or Krissy Chambers cameos. I think that Charlie and Claire would get along really well (just read this post). Rowena is another character that I think could easily be worked into the canon. She could teach the girls all kinds of magic and be the fun wine aunt that spoils the girls on their birthdays. I don't think that Claire would like her very much, but, Rowena and Alex would probably get along just fine. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000/10 when I heard that this idea had been tossed out I was so angry. Why doesn't this exist?

Men of Letters prequel that's mostly set in the bunker. This show could really expand on the canon lore and give us some more background on the Men of Letters, as well as any other similar/rival organizations that were around before the main show's time. The Men of Letters have so much story potential for a spin-off; corrupt leadership, new monsters, other organizations, expanding the MoL to outside the U.S. Episodes could be in a monster-of-the-week (MOTW) format, starting and ending with the Man of Letters the case is assigned to making notes in his journal or case file or talking about the case, as well as the overall season arcs. Episodes would be titled by their case number, i.e S1 E1 Case No. 1925-4, etc How much I need this in my life: 1000000/10, the supernatural/historical drama combo would be absolutely stunning.

A series focusing on all of the alternate timelines and universes, both the ones mentioned in the main show and ones just randomly created for an episode. There are infinite possibilities. Each episode would be in a MOTW format, but with different versions of Sam and Dean. The HunterCorp universe, Jared and Jensen from the French Mistake, a universe where their names are switched, a universe where Dean went to college and was the one with the demon blood powers, a universe where they drive a Mustang instead of the Impala, a universe where Sam isn't scared of clowns. I could go on, but I'm going to stop myself here. How much I need this in my life: 9/10 I think it would be pretty funny, but it's not my best idea.

A Bobby and Rufus spin-off where they talk about cases they worked on together or with other hunters, but the stories are told similarly to Tall Tales. It's the same story but told from different points of view depending on who's talking. I wish we'd gotten to see more of Bobby and Rufus because I think those two are hilarious and really think that this could be funny, even if it was just a web series with twenty-minute episodes. How much I need this in my life: 10/10, I love Bobby and Rufus and I think that they have a lot of interesting hunting stories to tell.

GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000/10, I love the Ghostfacers. That's my whole idea.

A Jack-centric show that's almost a political drama. Jack is the ruler of heaven and is constantly being manipulated by angels, demons, and Death herself. He just wants to make an afterlife paradise, but power-hungry angels won't leave him alone. Remember that Jack is very young and trusting by nature, so there is a lot of potential for disaster if he gets goaded into doing something, like making new universes or ending existing ones. Cas is a main character and he does his best to protect Jack, but he has to be careful to not seem overprotective/like another manipulator or Jack won't trust him either. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, but shoutout to me if I am. For some reason, I've always thought that heaven would be an interesting setting for a spin-off, and those angels are pretty similar to power-hungry politicians. How much I need this in my life: 800/10, I would totally watch this.

A very short series that just destroys the canon finale. Twelve episodes, detailing the storylines that were ignored or destroyed by Carry On. E1: Rescuing Cas from the Empty and he and Dean have a long talk about their ~feelings~. They kiss, and for the first time, Dean’s mind is free of doubt about whether or not anyone could ever love all of him. E2: Eileen returns. She says nothing when she sees Dean and Cas holding hands, just raises her eyebrow and smiles knowingly. Some excellent movie night content. E3: 1 year later. Sam and Eileen’s wedding. Dean and Cas aren’t legally married, but their matching gold rings are very prominently shown. It isn’t mentioned. The wedding is almost canceled because of the rain, but with a wave of Jack’s hand the clouds disappear and the birds start to sing. E4: Sam and Eileen have moved out of the Bunker. Cas finally convinces Dean to downsize, so they find a little house in Lawrence and settle down. Cas works as a special ed teacher. Dean works as a mechanic. Miracle loves the backyard but makes sure to stay away from the beehives in the back corner. E5: Sam and Eileen’s twins, Mary and Maura, are born. Dean and Cas love their nieces, and Jack loves them too. He doesn’t know what to call himself, so they settle on Uncle and call it good. E6: Deaths. They all die old. Cas’s vessel has aged, but he can’t die, so when Dean finally passes away in his sleep, Cas scatters his ashes in the woods and disappears, ascending to heaven, to spend eternity with Dean. The closing scene is a dark screen, with the whoosh of wings and a soft “Hello, Dean.” OK. That was a long one. My apologies. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10. I would reach nerdvana thirty seconds into episode one.

Another spinoff of that idea is just...Dean and Cas living a normal life. Short episodes. Cas goes to the grocery store. Dean drags Cas to a horror movie fan convention. Cas meets a roomba. How much I need this in my life: I can’t type enough zeroes to express it.

Campbell prequel that focuses on Mary and her childhood. Mary being raised as a hunter but not being allowed on hunts. Mary rushing home to finish her chemistry homework so she can help her dad track a nest of vampires moving east. Mary missing her prom to help Samuel on a hunt. Mary trying to keep her real life secret from John, a man she knows loves the parts of her he knows about. Mary always being an outsider, the kindest and most beautiful girl in her class, but so slow to trust and quick to speak that everyone is afraid to be her friend. Mary is a character that has the potential a lot more development, for twelve seasons she’s the burning martyr in every Winchester’s imagined paradise. She deserves more. How much I need this in my life: 11/10, Mary isn’t my favorite character but I would die for her.

Gabriel spin-off. That’s it, that’s the idea. How much I need this in my life: 10000000/10, Gabriel is a character that we don’t know a lot about so there are so many possible directions for a story about him to go.

Show set in the SPN universe that doesn’t really interact with the main show’s canon. It’s about two cops in the 30s that become hunters by accident. After investigating the apparent suicide of a hunter in their small town, they become enthralled by her library, filled with books about ghosts and vampires. They pour over her journals on their own time, fascinated by what they’re reading. They get to know the hunter through her writings, her accounts of her hunts and travels. Eventually, a nest of vampires settles in the town and the two put their newfound knowledge to the test. This show would just be based on canon lore, there wouldn’t be any mention of the Winchesters or other main characters, although a few MoL team-ups is definitely a possibility. The two become quite a team, tracking werewolf backs on bulletin boards in their basements and hoarding rock salt. How much I need this in my life: 89/10, I think this could be really interesting and I am a sucker for historical hunters.

Speaking of historical hunters-Samuel Colt prequel. Cowboys, vampires, cowpires. Hunting in the wild west, galloping across the prairie chasing a pack of werewolves. This show could also tell us a lot about how different types of monsters spread across the U.S. Ghosts will go anywhere people go, but what about vampires? Shapeshifters? Ghouls? What was it like to hunt without technology to help with research? The hunters in this series would be the authors of the journals that modern hunters use every day. They’re the ones that tested tracking and trapping methods. Again, no idea if this is making sense, but I think that a supernatural western would be really awesome and would expand/substantiate the canon lore. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000000000/10, I love cowboys and I love Supernatural. This is literally the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Crowley. I want to know more about him. A series that tells us all about Fergus Roderick MacLeod, starting with when he was born in Scotland and ending with his death in All Along the Watchtower. We know that Rowena was his mother, that he was a tailor, that he sold his soul for an extra three inches ~down there~, and that he was a terrible dad. I want to know more about his childhood, about the people he made deals with, about how he became king of the crossroads and of Hell. Crowley was a very interesting character that was abused by the story. I want to know more about him. How much I need this in my life: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000/10, I really do love Crowley and I would watch this a thousand times over.

Final idea: MOTW only. No season arc, no overall storyline. New hunters every episode, from all different times, from over the world. All kinds of monsters. One episode in Victorian England, the next in 1990s Los Angeles. Very few recurring characters, if any. The recurring characters would be the Bobby Singers of the world; the lore guys that you call when you need help. Each new character has their own style, own car, own music, own personality. The show could have some a m a z i n g guest stars because they’d only appear in a few episodes. There are so many possibilities for episodes, even if they weren’t full length. How much I need this in my life: 100000/10, I love MOTW episodes and would really like to get to know the characters. It would be very easy to write one-off fanfics for this show, and also very easy to introduce this show’s characters into Supernatural’s canon.

You made it to the end!!!!!!!! That’s all I have for now. Sorry for writing so much, I just can’t stop thinking about SPN and all of the wasted stories.

#al speaks #spn #spn spin-offs #my ideas #i worked hard on this #big brain time #do you like it?

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letsgrownnhealtogether · 4 years

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How can we heal from what makes us feel broken? Does this get better? Or is there always a tug at the back of your mind, and rolling of emotions and thoughts... that you just can’t get away from?

Hi love,

I sincerely apologize for such a long delay in response.

I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with that right now. I can sympathize with you; I know how it feels to be broken, live with it, and wondering if it’ll ever get better. And I know how it feels to heal.

First I’d like to say: I am so proud of you, and I am so glad you are seeking guidance/help—not everyone will and I am, also, proud of you for that. You’re awesome.

Yes, it can, and it does, get better. It just may take longer than we think it should—which is important to note: it does not matter the length the healing process is, and it often can take year(s). And that is okay!

Personally, I believe a huge part in healing is being patient, kind, sensitive, forgiving, realistic, and honest with ourselves. Sometimes we have people in our lives who can support us, guide us, and love us through it; however, we don’t always. Having someone—or multiple people—is definitely helpful and awesome but it is soooo important that we grant ourselves what we need to allow ourselves to heal, which for many, is hard, and requires some time in itself (it took me a long time to learn this). Because if we don’t do that, it won’t matter how many awesome people we have in our lives, we will remain stuck and drown in our pains.

It can help some people to think of their hurts as a part of them but not who they are, and they talk to it like so: “Hey Hurt, how are we today? What do we need to do today to help us heal?” OR “Hey Hurt, why is it that we are hurt?” and then journal.

Yes, it can seem weird and totally ridiculous, but it can help us recognize, and remember, that we are not in battle against our hurts (or mental illnesses) but in it with them to be a full human in this world that causes those hurts to be with us.

Often it will feel like there is always that tug because the further we get from it, we can still have moments where it comes back to hit us again, and we think we haven’t healed yet. That is part of the whole healing process. We can go months, even a year, without it affecting us but then something brings it back up to surface and we feel like we haven’t accomplished anything, but that is not the truth. We can have moments of hurting and still be healing at the same time. Then there will be a time, though, where it will no longer hurt us.

It is so important to acknowledge what we are feeling, be real with it, and nurture each emotion the way it needs to be. Here is a list of ways I know from personal experience helps and others have shared with me helps them:

-Talk to someone (friend(s), significant other, family, therapist, etc. Talking works, it really does, and I believe it’s incredibly important in the healing process.)

-Journal about it (daily journaling is a great way to reflect back on how far you’ve come, and help you each day get out all those raw emotions.)

-Express them in a way meaningful for you (e.g. I like to write, so I write poems about my feelings, but i know others who create graphic designs, and others paint, or write songs. It is a journey after all and it doesn’t have to be bland the whole way through.)

-Going to therapy (Always recommended, no matter what!)

-Get it out in a healthy physical way (working out, punching a bag, taking walks; crying, screaming. Traumas, hurts, emotional pains, etc. are remembered in our bodies and sometimes our brains—for survival reasons—represses it, so it can be very good to include healthy physical components to our healing process, along with becoming aware of each hurt & how our bodies react.)

One personal example: A couple years ago, my best friend decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore but instead of talking to me, she chose to ghost me—she was the closest person in my life—she knew things about me no one did, etc.—and it just broke me; she never gave a real answer and so reading through the lines I understood it was all my fault (not the truth). I spent hours each day racking my brain for what was toxic about me and where I went wrong. I pulled to surface all my flaws, insecurities, and whatever else as i searched for the answer. In short, it was many months of being stuck in that place of trying to answer my own wonderings, and i was destroying myself in the process; I was even angry at her some days. After that, I decided i needed to be kind to myself and try to grow and heal from it. It was hard. If I ever saw her name anywhere, I would feel anxious or angry. Sometimes I wanted to completely delete her from my life like she did to me. I went through many different emotions through the entire first year. About a year after the initial event, it hit me how I still haven’t fully healed and it made me mad. Then I had a friend tell me that it was okay that i still have those feelings that i do and one day I’ll be healed from it and won’t even realize it at first. And she was right. I am no longer angry towards her; I am no longer crying over it, or journaling about it. I haven’t written a poem about her in a while, and I didn’t realize it right away. It took more than a year, and often times I was mad at myself for being bothered by it so long, but true healing will run a long course and it will be worth it.

I have no idea what is hurting you right now, and maybe your story is not similar to my one example. Regardless, I believe the basic aspects apply: Length isn’t relevant; it does get better; you’ll fully heal some day; be patient, kind, sensitive, forgiving, realistic, and honest with yourself; you’ll have to work for it but also be gentle and slow with yourself; you deserve to heal; it is always a good day to begin again; relapses happen, it is normal & so okay; you’re not alone, don’t let yourself battle it alone; you’re loved; and you are more than welcome to message me to talk further.

With much love & support,

~A, from Let’s Grow ‘n’ Heal Together

#letsgrownnhealtogether #ask #answers #healing #growth #feeling broken #hurting #recovery #self care tips #self care advice #self love tips #self love advice

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jay-and-dean · 4 years

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I don’t need you Chapter 7 : Borderline Villains

Dean x reader

Summary : She’s a warrior, she’s a loner. Nothing can stop her, nothing ever had. She doesn’t need Dean, does she ?

This is a request by @magssteenkamp that I decided to turn to a serie, see the original request on the serie Masterlist.

Serie Warnings : Swearing (duh). Mention of death. Smut, probably all kind from rough to fluffy, I’ll precise in the chapters if there are specific warnings. Fluff. Angst of course.

Chapter warnings : Swearing. Angst. Implied smut. Fluff

Words : almost 3k

Note : I’ll try to stick to the 3k rule, like for Rescue You

I thank @roonyxx because I would never have made it without her. She kept me motivated when I was exhausted and discouraged. And for the calculations...

If everything goes as planned, you’ll get one chapter every wednesday (Thanks to @magssteenkamp, I call it WednesJay, lol. Sorry okay, I shut up).

***Want to read more ? => MASTERLIST***

*** I don’t need you MASTERLIST***

_________________________________

7. BORDERLINE VILLAINS

Reader's Pov

My fingers hurts from gripping Dean's belt so hard, and my throat is sore from holding back screams.

I'm panting, focused on him still inside of me, on his shaking sweaty palms under my spread thighs.

I want him there forever...

I fight against this thought with all my brain but the truth is I really want him right there for the rest of my life. And it's not my brain asking for this... Just being one with him, his lips on my neck, his arms holding me tight. Like nothing could happen to me, like everything was right for once.

And his smell.

The crush kid-me had on him evolved, despite my will to curb it. And I have to admit now that it's not just about the hero... But about the man. This is terrifying.

"Y/n" he whispers in my ear, like he was asking me to be with him and I close my eyes at his voice resonating in my core.

He's softening inside of me and, deep down, I want to cling to him. But I have to let him go... I can't take that risk.

I look down, his scruff tickling me, and see the gun on the ground, sighing. When he puts a shy kiss on my collarbone, I finally find the strength to push him.

I can't get attached to Dean.

Because close is dangerous. Because he would be so disappointed if he could see me, stabbing humans in the chest, cutting throats like a serial killer. Bad men I'm killing... but still people.

And Dean is not a man of one woman, I know that, I have read the books about his life a hundred times, studied him, I have seen him flirt without even realizing it during the hunts. Who could be enough for a man like that ? No one deserves Dean Winchester for them alone.

I know myself. That's what a lot of lonely times does to a person, that's what being confronted to your limits does. I do know Y/n... And I know that give in to Dean would mean love.

I can't do that. Not love. It would break me.

"Move" I say low.

He takes a deep breath and withdraws, his cum dripping from me like the world was telling me it was too late to not get my heart too close to fire.

He puts me on my legs cautiously and searches my face, but I avoid his eyes, trying not to look too cold, but inaccessible in a way, to make him understand.

"That was really hot" I state, bending to reach my pants. "You're... really good at this" I try to compliment him.

"Good at this" he repeats, stern.

"Yeah" I whisper, feeling like I could suddenly cry at the hint of hurt crossing his manly face.

"Good at this" he says again, like he was trying to digest my words, putting his cock back in his pants, and closing his belt harshly. "Can we talk ?"

"About what, Dean ?" I shrug, my armor getting thicker.

"About us" his green eyes hitching on me, he sighs.

"There is no 'us'. Don't..."

He nods, biting his lower lip, his eyebrows slightly raised.

"Yes..." he sighs.

Adjusting his flannel, he poses a second, still looking at me, and finally turns to leave.

Dean's Pov

I could kill her right now. I could...

I rub my face on the parking, not wanting to go back to Sam and I's room right away. I don't want to face my brother and I don't want to see that stupid bedroom again.

I just want to scream, and fucking kill her ! My anger is making my blood boil and I have to stop myself from running back to her room three times.

Why do I even care ? She doesn't want me, she doesn't care. She's a good friend and an awesome hunter, it should be enough. The only one I can blame is me.

Talk about us.

Stupid !

How desperate do I sound now, huh ? What would I have said anyway ? It's not like we were going to, I don't know, date ? I can't have a relationship, and it was always fine like that. And Y/n... She's not like the others, she's not someone you can bring home to cuddle, she's not someone you can own or tame.

Y/n is wild. And even if she was not...

She doesn't like you. Not because you have those... damn feelings !

"Stupid !" I groan, hitting the wheel of Baby with my foot.

What do I do now ? What am I supposed to do ? I can't forget us, she lives with us... I can't seduce her, I can't have her, I can't let her break me. And when she decides to go, I won't hold her back.

She will leave. She will.

Maybe I just need to be a good friend. Stop whining and be a friend... I admire her, and I really like her being around, so I will just take that, and suffocate those unrequited feelings that are making me crazy.

I have no right to be angry.

I enter the room and avoid Sam's eyes when I go to the shower. I can feel his glare on me but I don't want questions, I don't want him to ask me if we "talked"... He called her a time bomb...

Well guess what Sammy, my heart just exploded.

***

The victim is talking to Y/n, she saw her friend being hunted by a weird man with claws and sharp teeth... She is in shock and shaking. But somehow, Y/n makes her calmer, like magic ; and she does with a softness I wish I could seen in her eyes when she looks at me.

But it is not going to happen, because she barely looks at me anyway since that evening three days ago.

I can't help but wondering : Did I hurt her ? We were rough and wild. Or did I scare her ? How could I... She was the one holding a loaded gun to my head. No... She just regrets it.

Simple and hurtful regret.

Sam is staring at her like he was trying to understand how she can be so fierce, and so sweet. She just can, she just is. Both leather corset and Hocus Pocus t-shirt. She's a kid that grew up too fast, she built defenses no one can really understand, but her heart is still all new and shiny under it, too sensible behind the walls.

Walking to us, she bites her lips anxiously and I can tell she's sincerely pained by the young girl grief.

"She said it was before midnight" she states. "She's absolutely sure. Sorry Sam, it doesn't match. Maybe we should just... take a little break ? You guys look exhausted. I say we go eat something, and we take turns to sleep. Sam you need a nap, I'll keep searching okay ?"

When I'm about to decline her offer, my brother sighs, and accepts, admitting he's so tired his head hurts.

"We've been hunting for months, I really think we need a serious break after this one. Dean you look like crap" he says and I chuckle.

"Thank you Sammy, always a pleasure."

The room is silent, and I would appreciate the calm if my heart wasn't resonating so hard in my skull.

Sam went to sleep a little, giving us a thousand orders, and Y/n wrote everything down, winking at me. I understood later that she just wanted him to be relaxed enough to sleep, so she made him think everything was going to be exactly like he wanted to while he was resting...

She's focused on her screen, reading something with a light frown, now and then writing down something on a notebook she bought a few days ago. And it makes me think of all those notebooks she had.

"When did you start writing on notebooks ?" I break the silence, clearly surprising her.

"I... uhm" she hesitates a second, then dive her eyes deep inside mine. "I had no laptop when I was... when I had no home. So in my bag I could only fit a notebook... Later it kinda became I don't know, a habit ?" she chuckles lightly, almost OCD if you want my opinion."

"It is an awesome idea, my dad's journal saved my life more times that I can count" I smile shyly.

"Yeah... well" a sad look appears on her face. "Your dad's journal didn't burn. When I think I could have saved everything if it was a numeric file..."

"I'm sorry" I sigh, not knowing what else to say.

"It's life" she shrugs. "And I'm used to lose everything at once."

I swallow hard, her words hurting me right in the chest, getting up to get two beers and a few snacks. Handing one to her, I dare :

"How long ?"

She looks up at me before I sit again, closing the book in front of me to make her understand I really intend to talk now. She always thinks she has to be by herself, she doesn't, she has friends now, she has me, and if I can't be anything else than that, at least I'm going to be a good friend.

"What ?" she takes a sip of her fresh beer.

"How long did you stay alone in the street ?"

She freezes, looking down for a minute, playing with the label of her beer, like there was anything to be ashamed of. There isn't.

"After my parents died... When I was 12. I... I tried to get out of the city to join that aunt I heard of in Main, my father used to say she was a nice person. I had never seen her but I knew her name" As I listen, I sit back in my chair, giving her all my attention. "I didn't want to go to a children home, because I knew cops would interrogate me... and, well I also knew vampires controlled some cops."

The more she speaks, the more she looks like that beautiful woman that got up in the middle of the night in her apartment with her messy hair. She pushes some strands out of her face and takes a shaky breath, still not looking at me.

"But, yeah, the vampires were looking for me, and of course, everyone was. The daughter of the murdered couple had disappeared, my face was everywhere. That stupid picture of me sitting on the couch with my Nintendo..." she shakes her head like remembering that picture was making her uncomfortable. So I hid. It was... really pathetic, Dean, nothing was heroic about it."

She takes another sip of her beer, closing the zipper of her hoodie, like she subconsciously needed to hide.

"Time passed. People concluded I was dead, and my face disappeared from the streets. The first year I didn't have enough money to go to Main anyway... Why am I telling you all that ?" she sighs.

"Please, you know everything about me because of those books, just... tell me a little more" I almost plea, and she bites her lip.

"The next years, I just thought it was better for my aunt too, if I stayed dead. Thanks to the Supernatural books, I knew about hunters... It was a book, but has vampires existed for real, why not hunters ? It took me years to find signs of their existence. When Joe..." she swallows hard, holding back tears. "When Joe found me turning around the bar like a stray cat and offered me food, then that first job, I was eighteen. It saved me from the cold and the hunger. I couldn't work with alcohol but he trusted me to clean after he closed the bar. Hunters didn't ever acknowledge me. But at some point, I asked about you, you know..."

"Really ?" I raise my eyebrows, my own voice annoyingly interrupting her story.

"Yes... Th-they told me to forget about you, they said you were dead 'again' after fighting leviathans."

When I really thought talking about her parents death, or Joe's would be what crushes her, she wipes a tears saying that.

"Y/n" I say getting closer cautiously, my chair aware that this could make her close totally for good. "I... I came back."

But she doesn't close, her wet eyes finally come up to mine and search my face.

"You don't understand Dean. You were the... the hope. I used to hold on to those books and sleep with them against me like a bible" her voice breaks. "And the very second I learn my hero actually exist for real... they tell me you are dead."

I put my hand on hers, holding back tears ; my brain suddenly randomly realizing she's way younger than me, I never actually thought of it.

"It's..." I try but what to say after that ?

"That's when I understood if I needed a hero, I had to become one, and only count on myself."

I lower my head, my heart pounding in my chest, still convinced that any faux pas could make her shut me out completely.

"That's why you can't... grow attached to anyone..." I dare.

Reader's Pov

His hand is sending shivers in my spine, and his words hit me like a fucking train.

"Among other reasons, yes" I whisper, my emotions strangling me. "But yeah... Look what happened to Joe..."

I wish I could push him away, tell him to leave me... But the strength irradiating of him is wrapping me like reading books used to. I feel both safer and exposed...

"What reasons ?" he asks after a while, like he was weighting his words.

Dean is not someone that usually insists on talking, so I guess he really wants to understand something.

"Dean... Your brother is right... I'm a time bomb" I free my hand from his. "Not the fun kind. I... I get angry."

"I get angry too" he states, serious.

"Dean... listen. You said killing humans was the definition of monsters..." I swallow and take a deep breath. "Then I am just that."

"Me too... you and me... we're borderline villains" his index finds my chin and lifts it to make me look at his face.

I just can't get used to how beautiful he is.

"Sam did researches on you, Y/n... With help and a witch friend... he found some things, and a trail of human monster corpses in your wake... We watched who you killed and... I'm so sorry you had to face all of this so young... Who would I be if I told you that you should have bought them to justice ? Violence brings violence..."

My heart falls from my throat and I nod.

He knew. I knew and he's telling me that he would have done the same... Suddenly, the high walls around my soul fall apart and I burst in tears.

He quickly bends and wraps his arms around me tightly.

"I'm not in Purgatory... I'm not in books, I exist... I'm right here, Y/n. I'll stay here. I'm so sorry you were confronted with all that sick crap so young..."

I cling to him, hiding in his neck to cry, my hands fisting his flannel like my life depends on it. His palms are flat on my back, and it feels like he was holding me together.

The door suddenly opens, and I slightly jump, but Dean puts a protective hand on my head and I know I have nothing to fear.

"We will be here in a few, Sammy" Dean says softly.

"N-no problem..." Sam stammers and clears his throat. "Rowena found something on the vampires but you take your time."

"Okay, thank you" my hero says, still holding me.

The door closes and I let go for a second to wipe my face, afraid to soak his skin with tears.

"Y/n..." he catches my eyes.

And before I can see it coming, his soft plum lips slowly crushes on mine, my salty tears wetting both our lips.

I close my eyes and forget with kisses are too important. Nothing is really important anymore. So I let him kiss me, his lips tasting mine shyly...

Too late for not falling in love.

________________________

***FEEDBACK IS GOLD***

Forever Tags : @parinarain @animegirlgeeky @mogaruke @masterof-agony @rainflowermoon @tftumblin @deans-baby-momma @roonyxx @thefaithfulwriter @vicariouslythruspn @emeow1496 @daryldixonandfrogs @holylulusworld @cocklesbelli @sandlee44 @screenchingartisancashbailiff @donnaintx @hawaiianohana31 @akshi8278 @magssteenkamp @sister-winchesters99 @neii3n @alanegaming @im-a-shrub @sadwaywardkid @hopelesslydevotedtoyou1912 @slyqueenj @i-love-superhero @waywardsisterandpie @sunsetsandbooks @fangirlxwritesx67 @mrspeacem1nusone @stylesismyhubs @deanwanddamons @jawritter @peridottea91 @chelsea072498 @chocolateheart

I don’t need you tags : @charmed-asylum @prettydeaneyes @hellsenthero

#supernatural #SPN #spn fic #SPNFamily #dean winchester #Supernatural Dean Winchester #dean winchester fic #dean x y/n #dean x reader #spn dean x reader #Smut #angst #fluff #jay-and-dean

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crackcrocs · 3 years

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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who cannot conceptualise time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence. So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

#LCZABIBU #deathwillonlybethebeginning

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matteredloyaltyaa · 3 years

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@yukikorogashi asked: 💞💖💘💕 tigger bounces in with these 👀

positivity meme -- slow, still accepting

Send 💞 and my muse will say something nice about your muse

The house had grown silent in the late hours of the night, Arthur burning the midnight oil as he was prone to do. Mind running a mile a minute, and not really getting much from late night television, he opted to sit in the office across from Itsuki’s bedroom. At the thought, he found himself glancing toward the slightly ajar bedroom door, letting in a dim bit of light from the one he kept on in the hall for her. Aside from a small conversation about her day and a request for a story from his own, it seemed like she had fallen asleep pretty easily once he had started talking.

He was never sure if he should take that as a compliment or not when it happened, but at least ONE of them was getting some much needed rest.

As he could feel his thoughts starting to circle, he let out a small sigh from his nose as he shifted to pull a familiar book from one of the shelves. The pages were starting to become worn with use, Arthur about halfway into his current journal. He flipped open to the current page, a partly complete sketch of their newest addition to the household: an old collie that Itsuki had affectionately named Mochi. As far as he was aware, the old guy was asleep on a chair in the living room.

Arthur huffed lightly out of his nose at the thought, turning to the blank page and started to scribble down some thoughts.

Itsuki’s growing in so many ways every day. It honestly surprises me sometimes.

I wasn’t the only one who question my decision to adopt a kid at first. Hosea had cast me that uncertain look when I first mentioned it, and the social worker...well, I could never really get a read on them, but somehow I managed to impress someone because here we are.

She’s healthy, hasn’t lost mind or limb. I figure I’m doing something right.

I know I’m not around as much as I wish I was, and Hosea’s been a great help in keeping an eye on her. Teaching her things in that special way he has, which is probably better for her than whatever I can give. Still, I catch the odd eye or word from him about spending more time with her, which I’m trying to do. It must be working, she certainly hasn’t come to hate me or resent me being home when I am. Yet.

Still, I love that kid. The odd nights she opens that bedroom door of mine to tell me about a nightmare or storm outside and we have to stay up a little later until she can sleep again, the way she races to the truck when I pull up to the school (even during the times where I know she’s had to wait for me,) it’s all something I never thought I’d see in my life or know it to be something I would miss if it disappeared.

I want nothing more than to see her happy, and she’s always the brightest person in the room when she is. If I can help with that, that’s all I want.

Though, maybe what’s best for her is me getting some sleep so I’m not spacey and distracted with her tomorrow.

Send 💖 and my muse will say something nice about you, the mun

“Could’ve certainly picked a worse night for this,” Arthur commented, casting a glance upwards.

The sun had dipped below the horizon, the sky cast in a blanket of stars as the orange glow of the fire he had built cast him and his companion in a warm light. A rabbit was slowly roasting over the flames, something he had hunted earlier for the coming night. Thankfully, he had been getting better with a bow. It had saved him the embarrassment of picking out shell casings from the meat in front of her, at the very least. He dropped his gaze back down, watching the fire for a few moments before he glanced toward her.

“I’ve certainly had worse company ‘round a fire, too. Some folks are more likely t’ greet you with a barrel of a gun shoved against the back of your head, but...nah, y’ don’t seem the type. I know you been fightin’ things in different ways, though. Kid’s always goin’ on ‘bout how STRONG y’ are, and I can see why. Life...life’s got a funny way ‘f workin’ things out. Lots ‘f good things happenin’ out there, yet there’s a lotta bad happenin’ t’ folk who don’t deserve it. Whatever good’s out there, I know it’s due t’ come your way. Hell, I’d give ya some of mine--lord knows I ain’t done anythin’ t’ deserve it.”

He let out a vaguely humorous huff, glancing back to the fire for a moment before meeting her gaze once again.

“Guess what I’m tryin’ t’ say is that there’s a lot of people out there who are on your side. Can’t get too far in life without people y’ can trust, and you’ve proved time and again that you’re one of those who can be that for someone, and it’s a fool who don’t see that and won’t return it. Y’ deserve more than y’ get, much as that might not mean much from someone like me. Y’ got a lotta fight in y’, and you’ve never had a point a gun t’ prove it. Folks see that.”

Send 💘 and the mun will say something nice about your muse

I remember seeing Itsuki for the first time all those years ago, and jokingly I was like “who’s lost child is this?” lol

However, I can honestly say with my whole heart that I am so glad to have been introduced to her character. However, I can’t say much to how she is portrayed on her blog, as I am...completely unfamiliar from the media she is from. (And considering some of the horror stories I’ve heard about the fandom, I’m very content with hers being the only blog I follow from it lol.) Yet, I feel like I’ve known her character for so long through how often she’s appeared on my blogs and all the relationships I’ve built with her through my own characters. Good, bad, everything.

Itsuki is such a strong character in not just physical prowess, but strength of will and mind too. No matter what blog I am on, I can almost always trust her to be this force of optimism and child-like joy and curiosity. Even on a blog of mine starring a certain baptist, even in the face of someone who wouldn’t appreciate her for who she is, somehow Itsuki still manages to handle that in a way that is both absolutely a joy to write with and great to play off of.

I know I’ve said it before, but often I do find myself thinking about how a character would interact with her when I am making a blog. Not only is it me trying to make room for interaction, but it is also good for general character development. She has become such a staple on my blogs, which honestly rarely happens and for as long as it has with her.

Send 💕 and the mun will say something nice about you, the mun

Becka!!

Much like you wrote in this section for me, I am also sorry this took so long because I also wanted to make sure everything sounded right. Especially after coming off a long semester of university, I’ve been trying to come back into my writing. Lol Honestly, what can I say about you that I haven’t said a million times? I always say this, yet I know it bares repeating because I know everything I feel about you to be wholly the truth. You are such a great friend, and even when you’re not feeling like you are, or you are in the middle of a falling out, or stuck ruminating on something that didn’t work out with someone, I know for a fact that you have done your absolute best in that friendship. I know you have done nothing but show me support, love, and a deep kindness since the day I met you and I know I can say absolutely that you are one of my best friends.

Hell, I know even my family asks about you sometimes because I know I’ve mentioned having our late night talks often enough. Lol I know you have helped me through so much, even in things you may not even be aware of. Being able to write with you, knowing that you’re out there doing you and being awesome, it’s everything I could ask for in a friend. It’s 3 am while I’m writing this so idk if I’m rambling like mad here, but I have a lot of feelings for you. Lol Mostly, I’m just grateful. That you exist, that we’re as close as we are, for the conversations we do have. I love you a TON, and I hope you know that. I ALWAYS want you to know that, even in the deepest darkest pits you may fall in.

I am always happy to see you, to talk with you, to write with you. I love you, and you’re always in my thoughts and I hope nothing but the best for you and I’m always so excited and happy when I do see that happening for you.

#failed: rory has died . || ooc .#meet you at the gate . || closed modern au – rollingsnowsmasher.#how many days ? || main verse .#/// long post #[Everything under the readmore is unformatted since Tumblr messes with the readmore when I do lol #but yeah sorry for the wait on this Becka!]

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thinkingaboutyoungroyals · 5 years

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Lost Boy Chapter 9: The Blue Journal

Summary: When his family moves from San Francisco to the town of Shadyside, T.J. thought his life would change. And it did. He just didn’t think it would come in the form of the ghost of a boy who haunted his new bedroom.

Prologue

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

@delicatesleeper,@ibroughtachallah,@frenchtohste,@alittletooliteralleah,@tyrusmagocious,@tjskipping, @mirrorslover, @opatrickr, @lesbianrelateddeath, @justkimberley,@burning-hot-pan,@green-lemonboys,@anotherangelfromspace,@thebisexualweirdo,@likelightning-inabottle,@thedampjofangirl, @fizasdr, @awkward-bisexual-alien, @whipashwhipash, @abg-blah,@atthemomentimintothis,@emberofthefrost, @sana-drinks-isklar, @tyrusisobviouslyendgame, @delilahdee00, @lazymarvelfan, @glitch-ditch-canonbitch, @miracufan

A/N: I’m so sorry for the delay! It’s been such a busy week for me! Hopefully, this makes up for it!

..........

“We’re visiting Cyrus this Saturday. Are you free?”

T.J. tried not to look too excited and had to restrain himself from quickly answering Buffy’s inquiry.

He was having breakfast with her, Andi, and Jonah before school.

(Marty would have joined them too, but he had morning training for track. Libby and Walker were also absent that morning, probably having breakfast with just the two of them somewhere else.)

After getting to know him, T.J. didn’t know anyone else who smiled as much as Jonah did. The boy was like the sun - all bright and warm - and it was a wonder why he hadn’t blinded any of them yet with his dimples and pearly white teeth.

T.J. could see why Cyrus liked him. And if he felt a little hint of jealousy...Well, he was willing to ignore it because Jonah was just so darn nice.

“Yeah,” T.J. replied. He paused for a moment before asking, “Can I come?”

“Duh! That’s why I asked!” Buffy grinned. “I’m sure his parents would want to meet you since you live in his dad’s house now.”

“Cool. I wanna thank them for the awesome room.”

And the awesome person they raised their son to become, but T.J. kept that to himself.

Andi fiddled with her banana nut muffin. “You think they’re mad at us for not visiting in a long time?” she asked, worriedly.

“I’m sure they’ll understand,” Jonah responded, with a smile as always. “I mean, I would have loved to visit him more but I didn’t want to go alone. And…” He trailed off, his smile fading a little. “It’s kind of hard to see him like that.”

Silence fell upon them. Buffy looked down at her carton of orange juice. Andi continued picking at her muffin. Jonah just sat there, frowning. And T.J. eyed each and every one of them, honing in on the guilt and longing they were exuding.

They really treasured Cyrus. Every mention of him could cause a once jovial atmosphere to drop drastically. It only strengthened his will to do everything he could to bring Cyrus back.

It had been a week since he found out the truth and T.J. did all the research. He went through every paranormal book he could find in the school library’s limited collection and the Shadyside Public Library. He went online, reading through forums and blogs. He even considered consulting an occult witch he found on YouTube but Amber freaked out when he told her and yelled at him until he promised not to.

“So…what are Cyrus’ parents like?” he randomly asked.

The question prompted smiles from his friends (his friends!) as they all chimed in, telling their stories in a fond tone.

….........

T.J. arrived home that day to find Cyrus sitting cross-legged on his bed, reading one of his books. When he looked closer, the title read “The Two Towers”. Cyrus was a Tolkien fan, too.

He looked up just as T.J. pushed the door shut and beamed. “Welcome home! How was school?”

T.J. tried to ignore the fluttering in his chest and the bubble of joy warming his stomach. It happened often now. Instead, he dropped his backpack by his desk and walked over to the bed.

“It was okay,” he answered, settling down beside the ghost. “Had a math quiz, that wasn’t fun.”

“But, the tutoring helps, right?”

T.J. took a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess. Just wish my brain worked right.”

There was a short, silent pause before the sound of a book shutting close reached his ears. Cyrus had put the book away and scooted closer to him, their arms touching.

“Your brain is working just fine,” he said, gently. “It’s just wired differently. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

T.J. blinked in surprise.

No one had ever said that to him before. Ever since they found out when he got tested back in Middle School, the shame of his dyscalculia continued to follow him. Sure, his mom and sister were sympathetic, but they were just as lost and clueless about it as he was. Nonetheless, they supported him as much as they could despite his learning disability.

But, he was never told that his brain was just fine… that there was nothing wrong with him.

“Thanks,” he managed, smiling. “So, what did you do today?”

“Oh! I went to the park for a bit! It was a nice day and the ducks were out! Then, I came back here and immersed myself in the magical world of Middle Earth.”

“Sounds like you had a relaxing day.”

Cyrus shrugged. “Yeah, well, nothing much for me to do, really.”

Right. Because he was a ghost.

T.J. cleared his throat. “Hey, so, Buffy told me that they’re visiting you at the hospital this Saturday.”

Cyrus’ eyes sparkled. “Really? That’s so sweet of them!”

“And… they asked me to go with them.” T.J. hesitated before asking, “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t it be? And you might meet my parents! All four of them! This is so exciting!”

Cyrus’ hands were excitedly flailing about the place. The boy was practically vibrating in his seat.

T.J. had to hold back a chuckle. “Yeah, about that… is there… anything you’d like me to pass on to your parents? Any messages?”

“Oh, I haven’t thought about that.” Cyrus pursed his lips in thought. “Well… you know, one of my regrets was not coming out to them. I wish they knew the full truth about me.”

T.J. knew the feeling. He had come out to Amber first when he was 12 and she supported him when he decided to come out to their mom a year later. It was like a giant weight off his chest. Now, if only he could tell her about this other ability. It felt more daunting than simply telling his mom that he was gay.

“Oh. Well, do you want me to say something?” he asked. “It might be a little tricky ‘cause Andi and Buffy don’t know that I know. And I don’t want to make it seem like I’m outing you, you know. Technically, you’re still alive-.”

“Brain dead.”

“But, they see you as alive.”

Cyrus frowned at him before simply sighing and shaking his head. Then, his eyes widened.

“Wait… there is a way. That box in the closet still has my journal.”

“You kept a diary?” T.J.’s eyebrow raised.

“Journal!” Cyrus huffed. “It’s where I wrote my most inner thoughts and feelings to help me cope. And… I also wrote a lot about questioning my sexuality and finally admitting it. You can give them that.”

T.J. pursed his lips. “That could work. Technically, it’s coming from you, right? I can say I found it in my room… your room… our room.”

When Cyrus’ cheeks darkened, T.J. realized what his words implied.

“Oh, you know I didn’t mean-.”

“I know what you meant,” Cyrus chuckled.

Embarrassed and feeling a little red and warm, himself, the blonde took the opportunity to head for the closet. He pried open the loose floorboard and took out Cyrus’ box. The photos were now in Andi and Buffy’s possession but the blue notebook was still there.

He set it down on the floor and sat down cross-legged. He felt Cyrus move next to him as he opened the top. The blue notebook laid there, as if waiting to be revealed once more.

Cyrus reached in, taking a hold of it. He ran his fingers over the cover, looking contemplative, before opening it up. He thumbed through the pages, eyes briefly scanning them before he paused on a page. He stared at it for a moment before passing it over to T.J.

The entry was dated two years ago and in it, Cyrus spoke about meeting Jonah Beck for the first time, describing his hair, eyes, and dimples in detail using huge words that T.J. would never associate anyone using in a diary…. Journal.

And the Jonah-centric entries continued on for several more pages. The more he read, the more T.J.’s stomach churned, and not in a pleasant way.

“You…uh… really like Jonah,” he managed, hoping his voice didn’t give away his slight jealousy.

Cyrus shrugged. “He was my first crush. And the one who made me realize I was gay.” He flashed a pointed look at T.J. “I’m sure you had one.”

T.J. coughed. “Um… yeah.”

Looking intrigued now, Cyrus grinned and wiggles his eyebrows. “Ooohh...Who was it?”

“Uh…” T.J. hesitated.

“Come on, you know about mine. I wanna know about yours, too. Who was it?”

So, they were sharing crushes now like they were in middle school or a Slumber Party or something? What next? Spin the bottle?

Cyrus was vibrating in excitement, genuinely interested in knowing.

Sighing in defeat, T.J. relented. “He was this guy who used to live in our apartment building back in San Francisco. He was about three years older than me. I met him when I was ten and he taught me how to play basketball. At first, I thought I just saw him like a brother, ‘cause it wasn’t like I had an older brother to compare him to. Then, he introduced his girlfriend to me and I… got mad. He never figured it out, though. Just thought I was being a weird kid.”

His name was Jason and T.J. stopped talking to him after the girlfriend incident.

He had been terrified of his feelings, choosing to ignore them for the longest time, just like how he ignored his abilities.

Cyrus’ little chuckle broke through his thoughts. “Crushes, am I right?” he joked.

T.J.’s lips twitched. “Yeah.” He looked down at the journal again. “Are you sure you want me to give this to your parents?”

“Yeah, they deserve to know.” The ghost followed T.J.’s gaze. “Maybe this is my unfinished business. Can I trust you to get it to them, safely?”

T.J.’s chest twitched, hating the thought of Cyrus moving on. But, he looked so hopeful. He wanted to do this. And, he did promise to help Cyrus. He would never go back on his word.

Reaching out, T.J. took hold of the other boy’s cold hand and squeezed it. “You can count on me, Ghost Boy.”

Cyrus squeezed his hand back. “Thanks, Sixth Sense.”

……...

Although the wait felt long and excruciating, Saturday finally rolled around.

After lunch, T.J. had gotten dressed in his nicest hoodie, stuffed Cyrus’ journal into his backpack, and bid his mom and sister goodbye before heading out to meet Andi and the others at The Red Rooster. From there, they would take the bus to Shadyside Memorial Hospital.

Strangely, Cyrus was nowhere to be seen all morning. It kind of saddened T.J. as he left the house but, nonetheless, he ventured on. He had a mission to do, after all.

As he walked, headphones on, a sudden presence behind him made the hair on his arms stand up. But, he tried not to let his panic show.

“Hey,” a voice broke through the classic rock playing in his ears.

To his relief, the voice was familiar. He felt himself relax as Cyrus glided up next to him.

“What are you doing here?” T.J. asked in a low tone as he subtly turned off the music. “Not that I’m not happy to see you but I haven’t seen you all day.”

“I just needed some alone time to think.” Cyrus stared off into the distance. “And I realized that I’ve been avoiding seeing Andi and Buffy because I couldn’t bear to see them mad at each other. But, now that they’re getting along again, and Jonah, too, I want to see them. And… I want to see how my parents react when they read my journal.”

T.J. felt his stomach churn. “Do you really think that’s your unfinished business? For your parents to know?”

He wasn’t sure about this mission, anymore.

Cyrus shrugged. “I don’t know. But, it’s something that I know I have to do. For my own peace of mind and theirs.”

Well, T.J. couldn’t argue with that. So, he simply nodded and silently continued on his way. Cyrus was uncharacteristically silent and he realized that the ghost didn’t talk for T.J.’s own benefit. There were a lot of people out and about and even if he could pretend to talk on the phone, a serious conversation such as theirs was best done in private.

As he got closer to The Red Rooster, he easily spotted Buffy’s curls, Andi’s colorful headband, and Jonah’s dimples. Clutched in Andi’s hands was a bouquet of white and purple flowers.

He bounded over to them. “Hey! Am I late?”

“Only by about five minutes,” Buffy replied, teasingly. “Don’t worry, we can still make the bus.”

“Hi, guys,” Cyrus said, smiling sadly at his friends who couldn’t see him. “I miss you.”

No one caught the way T.J.’s face fell at that, eager the others were to get going.

The bus ride took about fifteen minutes and another minute or two walk from the bus stop. T.J. followed the three as they made their way inside the hospital. They gave their names to the receptionist and the reason for their visit before they were given passes. Then, they took the elevator up to the 4th floor.

All the while, Cyrus glided quietly behind them.

They found the room and Buffy knocked on the door. It opened seconds later by a woman who smiled when she saw them.

“Girls!” she exclaimed, joyfully.

She opened her arms and Andi and Buffy fell into them as she wrapped them in a hug. Then, she spotted Jonah and gave him a hug, too. When her eyes fell on T.J., he nervously straightened his back, immediately.

“Hi, Mrs. Goodman,” he greeted. “I’m T.J. Kippen.”

“He’s the one I told you about,” Buffy explained. “The one who moved into Mr. Goodman’s old house.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” She extended a hand to him. “I’m Leslie. It’s so nice to meet you, T.J.”

T.J. politely accepted her handshake. “You, too.”

Leslie stepped aside. “Come on in. I’m watching him this afternoon but Sharon is coming by later.” She turned to T.J. “Sharon is Cyrus’ father’s wife. They owned the house you live in now but they had to sell it when it was clear that Cyrus…” Her voice began to break. “Can’t wake up yet.”

She sounded hopeful, but there was a strain behind that hope.

Across the room, Cyrus had reappeared and was watching them.

T.J. paused by the door, his eyes immediately falling on the bed and the figure surrounded by machines that made faint beeping sounds. He had various tubes and wires connected to him, the hospital blanket tucked neatly and lovingly over the lower half of his body.

Cyrus.

Buffy was the first to reach the comatosed boy, her hand immediately reaching out to hold his unmoving hand as she settled on the empty chair beside the bed.

“Hey, Cy,” she said, softly. “It’s Buffy. It’s been a while, huh?”

T.J. had never heard Buffy sound so soft and… vulnerable.

“Sorry we haven’t come by to see you. It’s just been… difficult. But, we’re here now. All of us. Andi, Jonah, and I. And, we brought a friend.”

She turned to T.J., who suddenly had everyone’s eyes on him.

Nervously, he moved closer and cleared his throat. “Uh… hey, Cyrus. I’m T.J. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ghost Cyrus chuckled. “It’s nice to meet you, too, T.J.,” he piped, cheekily.

T.J.’s lip twitched, holding back his laughter lest he offended the others in the room.

But, they all smiled and the tension in the room appeared to dissipate.

It shocked T.J. to the core to see Cyrus’ body. His real, breathing, still body.

The boy was pale, his cheeks gaunt and not quite as prominent, and he looked... broken. Not like the bright version of Cyrus he had gotten to know. He was almost a perfect twin of the ghost standing in the corner.

And T.J.’s heart ached at seeing all the wires attached to him and the tube stuck down his throat. He didn’t like seeing his friend like this. He wanted him to wake up… to open those pretty brown eyes filled with life and look at T.J.

He would do everything he could to make that happen.

Andi placed her bouquet on Cyrus’ bedside before sidling up next to Buffy.

“Hey, Cy. I made you something.” She produced a colorful threaded bracelet from her pocket and wrapped it around the boy’s thin wrist, next to the plastic hospital bracelet. “Giving you a little color, okay? So when you wake up, you’ll know that we were here.” Her lower lip trembled and her voice got softer. “We’re still waiting for you.”

“Yeah, CyGuy.” Jonah moved to Cyrus’ other side. “So, you gotta wake up soon, okay? Remember? I promised to help you perfect your skateboarding. I know the last time didn’t go so well, but we’ll do it right, this time. Okay?” His breath hitched. “Okay, Cy?”

T.J. couldn’t move. He wanted to. But, every muscle of his was frozen as his friends spoke to Cyrus while Cyrus’ ghost fondly but sadly watched them in the corner.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head to see Cyrus’ mother smiling kindly at him.

“Why don’t you take a seat, T.J.?” she told him, gesturing to the loveseat opposite the bed.

T.J. accepted the offer, removing his backpack and placing it on the floor.

It wasn’t the right time to give Cyrus’ mom the journal. He would have to wait.

Cyrus’ ghost settled next to him, smiling. “That’s my mom,” he said, proudly. “She recently cut her hair. It looks nice.”

T.J. could only smile in response but Cyrus didn’t take offense, knowing T.J. couldn’t answer while there were others around.

“What do you think he would say if he was awake right now?” Jonah randomly asked, his gaze still on Cyrus.

“He’d probably pout and get mad that we were gone for so long,” Buffy replied, laughing. “But, he wouldn’t be angry for too long.”

“No, I’d never get mad at you, guys… too much,” ghost Cyrus stated.

“He doesn’t sound like someone who’d be mad at you, guys, too much,” T.J. stated.

Cyrus flashed him a grateful smile as the others laughed.

“That’s so true,” Andi stated, brushing Cyrus’ hair to the side with her fingers. “How is that he still has the same haircut?”

“Oh, I’ve been cutting his hair,” Leslie volunteered the information from her place by the door. “I figured that as soon as he wakes up, he’d prefer to still look like himself. Although…” A smile played on her lips. “He looks older, doesn’t he? And that liquid diet just got rid of all his baby fat.”

“Mom cuts my hair,” Cyrus clarified to T.J.

“That’s really sweet,” T.J. said. “He looks great, Mrs. Goodman.”

The woman beamed at him, a smile so reminiscent of Cyrus. “Thank you, dear.”

“You heard that, Cyrus?” Andi said. “T.J. thinks you look great. So, you should wake up so you can see it, too.”

A moment passed with no one saying anything, only watching Cyrus’ body laying still in hope.

Beside T.J., Cyrus’ ghost sighed.

Leslie broke the silence. “So, kids. How’s school?”

That got everyone talking again, happy at the distraction.

Leslie loved to talk, T.J. learned. He now saw where Cyrus got the trait from. She talked to them about anything – how great the hospital staff was, the antics of her neighbors, and funny childhood stories about Cyrus, Andi, and Buffy.

An hour later, she had led most of the conversations and T.J. had known more information about strangers than he really cared to know. But, at least he got to listen to stories about Cyrus, who looked like he wanted to disappear in embarrassment (he could have if he wanted to and T.J. didn’t know why he stayed).

“We best be going Mrs. Goodman,” said Buffy as everyone got to their feet.

“Thank you for having us,” added Andi.

Leslie nodded and opened her arms to hug everyone. “Thank you all for coming. I hope to see you again. I’m sure Cyrus would like that.”

“We’ll definitely come again,” Jonah promised as pulled away from her hug.

When it was his turn, T.J. hesitated. “You, guys, go ahead. I, uh, have something I need to say to Mrs. Goodman. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

His friends flashed him curious looks but thankfully, they didn’t ask.

When the door closed, he turned back to the older woman. Cyrus’ ghost stood behind her, nervously wringing his hands. He caught T.J.’s gaze and nodded, giving him the okay.

“Um, Mrs. Goodman… There’s something I need to give you.” With that, he reached into his backpack and pulled out the blue notebook. “I found this in my room. I think it might have been your son’s room so… I figured I’d give it to you.”

Leslie carefully took the notebook, like she was afraid it was going to break if she touched it the wrong way.

T.J. nervously stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. “I’m sorry, I kind of opened it and read some of it before I realized what it was. But… I think you should take a look. I’m sure Cyrus would want you to know.”

“T-Thank you, dear,” she replied, unable to keep her eyes off it.

T.J. nodded before accepting her short hug.

“I’ll stay for a bit,” Cyrus called out after him. “See you at home.”

As T.J. closed the door, he caught a glimpse of Leslie sitting on the edge of comatosed Cyrus’ bed and opening the journal. Cyrus’ ghost sat next to her, wrapping his arms around his mother, cuddling close. The woman visibly shivered yet continued reading the page she had opened to.

Just a few days ago, Cyrus had chosen an entry and marked it with the little ribbon that served a bookmark, wanting it to be the first thing his parents read.

“Oh, Cyrus…” Leslie breathed, bringing a hand up to her mouth. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” She turned to Cyrus’ comatosed form and took his hand, holding it close to her heart. “I should have known.”

It felt like an intrusion, watching Cyrus’ mother react to her son coming out to her via a private journal.

Releasing a breath, T.J. closed the door all the way and headed down to the lobby to meet up with his friends.

………

For most of the afternoon and well into the evening, T.J. was restless and worried that Cyrus wouldn’t come back.

If giving his parents a journal full of his personal thoughts and confessions was truly his unfinished business, then T.J. may never see him again.

And, to be honest, it scared T.J.

Cyrus wouldn’t move on without saying goodbye, right?

“Nice to see you out of your room for once.”

T.J. turned away from the microwave where he had been blankly staring at the popcorn bag spinning as it made popping noises.

Amber made her way towards him and hopped up on a stool at the counter.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confused.

“Well, you always seem like you have no desire of ever leaving your room,” she huffed, sounding almost bitter. “You spend all your time with your little ghost boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” T.J. spluttered, his cheeks heating up.

Amber raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. “You might as well be. You barely have any time for me.”

T.J. opened his mouth to deny it but the look on her face stopped him. She was genuinely upset. And it dawned on him that in the last couple of weeks or so, he had been so preoccupied with helping Cyrus and spending time with him. He only really saw his sister during meal times at home and at The Spoon if she was working when he stopped by with his friends.

He and Amber often spent time together back in San Francisco, whether it was shopping, going to the movies, or just hanging out at home watching Netflix. But, lately, he was either out with Buffy and the others or holed up in his room with Cyrus.

His mom never said a word about it, seeing as she was busy as well. But, it looked like Amber was feeling rather lonely. He didn’t even know if she had managed to make any new friends at Grant like he did (granted, that was due to Cyrus, but still).

He understood why Amber was unhappy with him and now felt guilty for ignoring his sister.

“Hey.” He walked closer and placed a hand over hers. “I’m sorry.”

Her lips twitched a little at his apology.

“How about you and I hang out tomorrow? We can go to the movies. We can ask mom, too, if she’s not feeling too lazy. We’ll make it a family day.”

He wanted to make a quip about wondering if he was truly the youngest in the family. But, seeing Amber break into a smile made him hold his tongue.

She played nonchalant. “Sure. Whatever.”

He grinned. “But, for tonight, just… let me hang out with Cyrus, okay? He had a pretty trying day. I just wanna cheer him up when he gets back.”

The microwave beeped, announcing that his popcorn was ready.

“You two are getting really close,” Amber stated, as she watched him pour the popcorn into a bowl. “Be careful, T.J.”

“Cyrus wouldn’t hurt me.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

He turned to see worry drawn all over his sister’s face.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt when he finally moves on,” she continued. “And I know you’re trying to find a way to get him back to his body, but T.J., he’s brain dead. There’s nothing for him to come back to-.”

“Don’t say that,” T.J. hissed, his eyes narrowing. “I can help him. I know I can. I just… need to figure out what I’m missing. There has to be a way.”

“T.J.-“

“I know you’re worried about me, Ambs. But, I know what I’m doing.”

He really didn’t but his pride and desire to keep Cyrus around was making him spout these lies. If he believed them enough, they might just come true.

Biting her lip, Amber hopped off her stool and walked over to him. “Just… know that I’m here for you, okay?”

His irritation slowly dissipated as his sister’s concern and support reminded him that she had always been his partner-in-crime and he loved her so. She was his big sister and the best one there was, even though he would never tell her to her face.

“Thanks, Ambs.”

He gave her a brief hug before grabbing his bowl of popcorn and heading back to his room.

When he entered, there was already a figure sitting on his bed, going through his Netflix selection on his laptop that he left open earlier before he went to get popcorn.

Cyrus looked up when the door closed. “T.J.! They have ‘Incredibles 2’ now! Can we watch it?”

T.J. smiled and said, “Sure.”

Cyrus scooted over so he could make himself comfortable, pillow propped up on his back and the bowl of popcorn on his lap.

“Um…so… how were your parents?” he couldn’t help but ask.

Cyrus’ hand hovered over the trackpad. He bit his lip, appearing to contemplate before answering.

“They were accepting,” he said, happy smile playing on his lips. “Mom read my journal first. She… uh… cried.” He chuckled. “I guess I get the dramatics from her. I waited until my step-mom came by a couple of hours later. Mom showed her the journal. Then, they told my dad and step-dad over dinner.” He leaned back against T.J.’s other pillow behind him. “I wish I could have told them, myself. I wish I could feel their hugs and hear them tell me that they still loved me, no matter who I chose to love.” He sighed. “But, either way, it felt so…freeing.”

“I’m so happy for you, Cyrus.”

Cyrus’ eyes twinkled as they met his. “And I have you to thank, T.J.”

T.J. beamed. “Anything for a friend.”

“If it wasn’t for you, they wouldn’t know at all. To be honest, I’m ready to move on any minute now.”

He chuckled.

And just like that, T.J.’s heart fell to his stomach. “Do you… feel any different? Like you’re fading? Or do you see a light? Or… something?”

To his relief, Cyrus shook his head. “No. No different than usual.” He sighed, sadly. “I guess that wasn’t my unfinished business. I had really hoped…”

Feeling a lump in his throat, T.J. swallowed, though painfully so. “Why do you want to move on?” he forced the question out.

Cyrus pursed his lips. “Didn’t you see my mom earlier? She was putting on a face for you, guys. To show you that she was still holding on. But… she’s not. Her hope is dying. And the same goes for my step-parents and my dad… My friends… They’re all waiting for me to wake up but it’s been more than a year since I fell into a coma. They’re losing hope but they’re still holding on. And I just… want them to let me go so they can move on with their lives. They deserve that.”

“But-,” T.J. started to protest but Cyrus interrupted him.

“I know what you’re going to say, T.J, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t.” His tone was cold and firm and it made T.J. not speak any further. “I’m thrilled that my parents accept me and I just want to celebrate that tonight. Please?”

Who was T.J. to deny him that?

Sighing, he nodded. “So… ‘Incredibles 2’?”

A look of gratitude fell over Cyrus’ face and he nodded.

T.J. leaned over and clicked “play” on his laptop before settling back into his pillow. Beside him, Cyrus also leaned back, his shoulder touching T.J.’s lightly.

“Hey,” T.J. spoke up as the opening credits rolled on the screen. “I really am happy for you, Cyrus. You deserve everything.”

The ghost smiled up at him. “Thank you, T.J. For everything.”

The rest of the night passed, peacefully.

#tyrus #tyrus lost boy #andi mack #tyrus fanfic

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razorblade180 · 5 years

Text

Lasting Embers part 29: The Gift

The long awaited day is finally here; the day nobody wanted to come. The famous and secret heroes of Remnant finally close the distance to venture off to a threat bigger than any of them. Friends and family by their side not ready to say goodbye but have to nonetheless. All but one that is.....a young and broken girl who still sits against her door; not moving once through the entire night.

[Jaune’s house]

Yujin:......*looks at her window*

Sunlight breaking through the blinds...

Yujin:(It’s morning huh? Have I really been sitting here the entire night? Wonder what time it is? Maybe it’s already past ten and they’re gone.) *looks around* (where’s my scroll?)

She keeps swiveling her head to spot it until it’s painfully clear she has to stand up to look. Blood eventually flows back into her legs and she’s able to move. High and low she search’s for it until she spots it under the door crack.

Yujin:All that searching and it was right next to me. *opens door* I guess I really am slip-......

Yujin:*picks up a small box wrapped in white, yellow, and blue.*.......(Mom did say was leaving the gift here didn’t she? It feels light; maybe it’s a-......why should I care? Why...do I care?)

Her finger rubs the thin paper; surprisingly, it looks like it came from a professional. One thing is for sure, Yang spared no expense when it came to effort. It irritated her slightly to know that. The box was held and admired for a solid five minutes by now. Maybe it would’ve been less time but deciding if she should open it was difficult. What she was holding just might be the last thing she ever gets from her mother. No matter what it is or how she feels it was a truth she had to accept.

Yujin:(It might not be my birthday anymore but still....*undoing paper* it’s only right to open a gift.) Hmm?

Yujin:*lifts up a scroll and a journal*.........(no way they’re school supplies.) *open it*

“Hey Yujin it’s me your mother, but I guess that’s pretty obvious isn’t it? Sorry, writing was never my strongest skill set in school so this might get a little clumsy so to speak. If you’re reading this then I just want to say thank you; taking the time to look at this means the world to me. I also want to apologize for being a terrible mother....."

Yujin:.....

“No matter how I slice it, some of the words you said was true about me. Going off to fight these villains instead of trying to defend you while staying close does not sound or look good. Knowing Summer, she would’ve attempted to at least make it work. Unfortunately I’m not her; the only way I know how to protect you is like this. Fighting along side our family and friends; yeah I’m including Adam in that. Honestly I see some of grit in you and it’s pretty damn awesome. I see so much of everybody who’s got to raise you throughout the years when we interact. Jaune’s will, Mom’s poise, Dad’s heart, and even aspects from Ren and Nora. The only person I don’t really see is me; it stings if I’m being truthful. All you wanted was to get to know me and I’ve robbed you of that. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

Her heart nearly stopped as she turned the page. The left side was more of the message written to her. The right side on the other hand wasn’t a message at all; it was a table of contents. Birthdays, first fights, training, vacations, adventures, it was everything. In just under a week Yang Xiao Long had written about what seemed to be every major and memorable thing in her life. The story of her mother was currently in her hands.

“I know it’s no replacement for a face to face conversation but in this journal I’ve written numerous things about myself so you can know who I am. On the scroll you’ll fine videos of the events in the book; it’s named and put into chronological order thanks to your Aunt. You deserve to see me at my best and worst moments of my life; to know I’m not as glamorous as anybody might make me out to be. Learning about me though isn’t the only thing I wanted to share with you finally. Yujin I want to be able to push you forward in life; be a mother and help figure problems that might come you way. We didn’t get to do much together but if we did anything it was fight. The final chapters was everything I noticed in each one. Not only that but I’ve made a list of possible ways for your Semblance to be used. I hope it’s useful somehow.

Sure enough the list was there and detailed. The back of the book was filled with experimental new tricks that Yujin wouldn’t have began to dream off. Each one carfully described and some drawn for reference.

“I know it never seemed like I was there for you, but I’ve always been in your corner to cheer you on. Despite how you feel about me and whatever happens to me out there, know my love for you will never die. You’ll always be my little ember dragon.”

Yujin:....*starts searching through the scroll* First Day At Beacon? *hits play*

Yang:Yo this is Yang Xiao Long, future huntress extraordinaire. Making this little vlog on the airship because my dad is corny and wants memories. Not all bad though because *flips camera*

Ruby:*hides face* Don’t record me! I

Yang:My baby sister gets to join me! Isn’t she the cutest?

Yujin:(They look so young. I wonder if....) *fast forwards*

Yang:So that air ride could’ve gone better. Some guy ended up getting vomit on my shoe. He’s lucky it wasn’t my hair.

Yujin:(Yep...)

Ruby:Give him a break. Not like he wanted to do it.

Yang:Defending strangers huh? A model huntress already, or is puberty finally hitting you?

Ruby:Puberty has been here thank you very much! He is pretty cute though when his face didn’t look green.

Yang:Eh, not really my type. *video ends*

A small smile creeps onto her face that immediately changes to shock as she continues to searchl. Maybe it was out of instinct but her finger immediately kept scrolling until found it on the day of her birth. The file was named “Sundrop” The video opens with a very tired Jaune holding the camera and pointing it at an even more tired Yang.

Jaune:*whispering* Here we are at Vale General Hospital. It’s very late and we’re both very tired but it doesn’t matter. What matters is the little sundrop my amazing wife is holding.

Yang:*snickering* Sundrop? Not sure how I feel about that.

Jaune:It only makes sense the sunshine in my life gave birth to a smaller sunshine.

Yang:*cuddling her* As far as I’m concerned she shines brighter than me already. Just look at her, I can’t believe I’ve made something so perfect. From here on out it’s all about her from now on; forever and always. *smiles softly*

Yujin:.....*eyes watering*

Jaune:Uh oh, it’s been thirty minutes and Yang has officially lost her mind over this baby.

Yang:Our baby, and it’s been nine months and thirty minutes thank you very much. *kisses it’s forehead* Your daddy is acting like he’s not head over heels for you Yujin. Don’t worry though, as soon as he turns the camera off he’s gonna want to hold you and cry.

Jaune:Possibly.....*video ends*

Yujin:*wipes her eyes*(There’s......so much here. Six days and it’s so detailed. If this is about her life then what’s the last vid-)

“Homecoming”

Yujin:This date is....*presses play*

Ruby is recording her sister as she anxiously bounces her leg on the train ride home. You can tell het smile is filled with happiness and worry.

Ruby:Hello future me or whoever is watching this. You’re currently watching my big sister silently losing her mind as we finally head home from a.....I think eleven years of fighting evil. She’s so worked up that I don’t think she notices that the train seats are heating up and people are staring.

Yang:I’m what? *red* oh, sorry everyone! My bad.....

Ruby:*laughing* Please calm down. It would be a shame if you died of a heart attack before we made it home.

Yang:How can I be calm!? In a few more hours I’ll have Yujin in my arms again.

Ruby:You know she’s not four anymore right?

Yang:I know that, I can still hug her. Hehe I wonder how big she’s gotten, if she’s made friends, *gasp!* maybe even a boyfriend!?

Ruby:Calm down there dork. You’ll see her soon.

Yang:Hopefully she’ll recognize me; hopefully I recognize her. My four year old is fifteen today. *tearing up* God it’s been such a long time. Soon things will be calm; finally I can spend the rest of my life with her. She’s probably absolutely stunning by now. *smiles*

Ruby:Geez you’re about to smother Yujin, I can already tell. Hopefully she’s not in an angsty teen phase.

Yang:Even if she is I’m still gonna smother her! Things are looking up! *video ends*

She didn’t bother to play another video after that. Instead she decided to just stare at the screen as the journal in her hand got gripped tightly. Soon after, the screen became blurry to her; tears kept finding new ways to sneak their way out of her. This time though it was different than the rest. Anger, frustration, and sadness was what kept her down before; now it was the feeling that bothered her all week. For seven days and seven nights she’s done nothing but push out someone who’s been desperately trying to reach her just like how she wanted to reach out to them. The only difference is Yang never stopped trying to reach out for her. Yujin knew exactly what this feeling was and it was about to eat her alive. Guilt and Regret we’re going to ruin any memory she has of her mother, unless......

Yujin:*looks at the scroll*

“8:45 am”

Yujin:*rushing down stairs* Please tell me took grandpa’s car. Please tell me- *looks in garage*

Sure enough, her car was there and ready for use.

Yujin:*wipes her face* Okay..... I can do this.....

[Train Station]

Vale’s train station is one of the remaining architectural works that survived The Fall of Beacon. From here it’s the jumping off point to the rest of Remnant. This feeling is echoed by the fact that even though it’s called a station, there isn’t a real building. A massive slap of concrete with a umbrellas for shade is mostly what is here besides the ticket punchers with their small booths. It’s old fashioned but it works; people come and go from here often. Unfortunately Yang and Ruby didn’t think they’d be here so soon again; at least it’s a beautiful day out. Warm weather and a gentle breeze that blows through the rolling hills behind the rails gives off a sense ease.

Yang:Ruby can I tell you something?

Ruby:You can tell me anything.

Yang:This just might be the worse day of my entire life.

Ruby:Definitely top ten.

Yang:At least I have you though.

Ruby:Always....*grabs her hand*

Raven:You haven’t always had me but I’m definitely here for you! *smiles*

Yang:*snorts* Never doubted it for a moment. I wonder if everyone is still going to show up?

Weiss:What, you think we would “snowflake?”

Yang:Weiss get seri- oh hey you’re here. Wait, did you just make a pun!?

Neo:*walks up* She’s been waiting to say that for a week.

Ruby:Oh hey! I didn’t think you were gonna decide to come.

Neo:Nah I’m not coming; I’m not leaving the Arcs like that. They have good food; I’m just here to see Weiss off. *grabs her hand*

Weiss:*blushing*.......

Ruby and Yang:!!??

Weiss:It’s been an interesting week.

Ruby and Yang:I’ll say....

Tai:*looks at Jaune*......

Jaune:In my defense it wasn’t my idea. Also what were you and Raven doing for a week?

Tai:I can’t tell if you’re more like me or if Yang is more like me. Either way I guess I shouldn’t complain. I’m glad you’ve been someone they could always depend on. I couldn’t ask for a better son-in-law.

Jaune: That means a lot; think they’ll be okay.

Tai:Are you kidding? No one stops our family as long as they’re together.

Adam:Believe me, challenging them alone is a struggle in its own right.

Everyone:Turns to see Adam clothes similar to his days robbing trains. The only difference is the flower symbol is missing and a cloak is over it. His eyes are hidden by shades and even his hair is dyed black. The rest of the family, along with Ilia, and Blake walk behind him.

Yang:Okay so I have two major questions. One, why dye the hair when it’s already long and laid down.

Adam:Just in case.

Yang:Second, I learned you have my sister’s number for years. Why exactly?

Adam:*pulls out cross necklace* rose’s recognize other rose’s

Yang:*looks at Ruby*

Ruby:*holding a cross necklace* It’s a story for another time; maybe on the train ride sis.

Yang:I literally can’t with you all.

Jael:She’s not what I quite expected. What do you think Sien-

Sienna:Uh..excuse me? M...Mrs. Xiao Long?

Yang:Hmm? Well hello there, need something?

Sienna:*ears down* I’m not sure if you remember me but we’ve met before. You actually helped save my life when I was six. I bit your hand?

Yang:......*rubs her ears* Of course I remember you silly. How’ve you been? You’ve grown like a weed. *smiles*

Sienna:*wide eyed* Good! I’ve been really good! You may know or not but I have a sister now. *steps aside*

Jael:.....

Yang:Hey there *crouches* I’ve heard a bit about you. Adam makes cute kids I see.

Jael:Th...thanks. I’ve heard much about you; also your daughter.

There was a sort of coldness in her voice that everyone felt. Her absence was noticeably missed and it took Yang by surprise for her to mention it. Jael didn’t look worried though; she looked eager. Almost like she’s got an itch that desperately needs to be scratch.

Yang:Unfortunately she’s not here. Things for her are rough with all this going on.

Jael:She didn’t want to see you off?

............

Yang:*frowns* No, she didn’t.

Jael:Oh, sorry to hear that. Excuse me but I need a moment. *quickly walks off*

Jacquelyn:uhhh I’m just gonna...yeah. *follows her*

As Jael walks away Tenzen and company pass by her. No glances were exchanged but there wasn’t a need for any.

Tenzen:*stops walking*.......*turns around*

Ren:Everything okay?

Tenzen:Yeah.....just got a chill or something. I didn’t like it. *continues walking*

Jacquelyn:Hey Jael are you-

Jael:She doesn’t even show up to see her family off, is obviously angry with her mom about it, gotten our family roped into it by accident or not. I’m beginning to think I don’t have to actually meet this person before I form my opinion like you guys want.

Jacquelyn:......You hate her don’t you? Even after what your father told you.

Jael:He’s leaving to help protect me but I’m not dumb enough to believe not a piece of it is for her. Just thinking about how someone so loved and blessed with opportunity can be so....so.... *clenches her chest* yeah, I hate her.

Jacquelyn:*slightly opens up her kimono* look at this for me.

Jael:*staring at a scar below her ribs* A scar? How long have you had that?

Jacquelyn:Years, your father gave it to me on accident.

Jael:Wh....what? Why would he.....I thought.... he loves you.

Jacquelyn:Yeah, but you gotta remember the dad you see wasn’t how he used to be. A long time ago hate ruled his life. One time when our Oasis was still being built people came and destroyed everything. They didn’t know who we were, just low lives causing pain. Any time we relocated either grimm got the better of the place or them. We were tired and hungry; him especially. So when they came back again your father was ready to kill them despite my wishes.

Jael:You wouldn’t let him fight?

Jacquelyn:It was a delicate time for him. I was afraid any back pedaling would ruin any progress already made. There were times I fought them but more and more kept coming. Eventually Adam finally lashed out and it did actually scare them away; it wasn’t enough for him though. While one was running away Adam sent a moonslice at him; I jumped in front of it....

Jael:You what!?

Jacquelyn:I wasn’t thinking. All I knew was I was scared of this one incident turning into something worse. That night is still a bit of a blur; I remember an intense pain and then just laying on the sand bleeding. When I woke your father was over right over me crying. It might’ve been the first time I saw him scared and genuinely apologetic. He promised me that night things were going to be different; he’d try harder to do the right thing.

Jael:.......*looks away*

Jacquelyn:Hate and anger are dangerous. You might just get you or someone you care about hurt if it goes unchecked. You have the disadvantage of it most likely being both. Hating this girl is fine for now but don’t let it linger. Let it fade away with time. *holds her close*

Jael:Did dad’s hate fade away?

Jacquelyn:Sort of; he stopped focusing on the hate left by his past and found a way to fill it with love. Sienna eased his mind but I think you really filled it with the love he needed to have. *smiles* You saved him, not me.

Jael:.....I’m gonna just stand here for a moment okay? I’ll come back over when the train arrives.

Jacquelyn:Take the time you need. *kisses her cheek and leaves*

Adam:She okay?

Jacquelyn:Yeah, just processing everything. Sorry about that Yang.

Yang:It’s no problem. I should be the one apologizing; can’t help but feel like it’s my fault a bit. If I knew about her sooner then-

Adam:Geez, apologizing to me feels weird. Just watch my back when things get heavy. *smirks* I’ll watch your arm.

Everyone:.........

Yang:......*rubs nose*

Adam:........*smacks lips*

Both of them end up in a fit of laughter suddenly. To everyone’s surprise they even fist bump and causes everyone else to slowly begin to laugh as well. To any stranger you would think everyone here were old friends since birth. Only they would know the truth about the effort it took to get there. Even Jael admired the sight.

Jael:(Is this what happens when hate heals? If dad could do it then there’s hope for me. I just need time right?)

“9:45 train to north western Anima arrived. 10:00 train to Vacou will arrive soon.”

Ren:Well...that’s me. Time to get healed.

Mercury:We’ll miss you guys.

Emerald:Don’t you dare get lazy out there. We want to meet up with all of you.

Nora:Hopefully we’ll be done before you guys are. Don’t rush your healing for me ok?

Ren:As long as you don’t rush so I don’t have to join. *kisses her* Tenzen?

Tenzen:Yeah?

Ren:Be ready for me to out dance you when I get back. *winks*

Tenzen:*smiles* I accept your challenge! I’ll show the student has surpassed the teacher.

The unlikely trio gets on the train as they wave goodbye. Even with a nice goodbye however, hearts start to get heavy. No turning back now.

Nora:You okay Tenzen?

Tenzen:I’m okay *takes a breath* being here hurts more than I thought to see him go.

“10:00 train to Vacou arrived”

Tenzen:Now I gotta watch you.

Blake:Already!? It’s ahead of schedule.

Nora:*hugs him tightly* No matter what happens, never lose that smile of yours. Light up people’s world and live happily.

Tenzen:Bright and sudden like a lightning bolt; I promise.

Adam:Neo, you’re second in command. I know you and Ilia can handle things.

Weiss:Hey, you got that promotion you wanted.

Neo:By default but I’ll take it. You leave the organization in good hands.

Ilia:I’ll watch her....

Blake:Same....

Frost family:*stares at him*

Adam:*opens his arms* Don’t just stand there you three.

Frost family:*hugs him* Be safe, we love you.

Tai:Will you miss me this time?

Raven:I missed you last time. *kisses him* Don’t worry, I’ll be back in your arms before you know it.

Jaune:*hugging Ruby and Yang* It was seeing you two again*

Ruby:Next time it’ll be for good. You have my word. My house still needs to be rebuilt. I’ll give you two a moment. *dashes off*

Yang:.....I really wanted to wear that wedding ring longer.

Jaune:Next time you will. Until then...*tears up* it’ll be waiting for you just like me. Anything you want me to tell Yujin?

Yang:I don’t know if there’s anything more for me to say. If she never forgives me then......hehe *covers her face* damn it, please let her forgive me. *weeping* I don’t think I can live knowing she won’t!

She breaks down and drops to her knees; not caring who sees. The sight of it is almost too much for Jaune to take as she helps her back on her feet and guides her to the train door. From there Ruby takes her and everyone on it stares back at their family as the doors finally close. The whistle finally blows to solidify the journey, then it starts to move. Slowly at first but surly getting faster. Every so, everybody just keeps staring as the distance grows. The moment nobody wanted is here; the moment of uncertainty.

“STOP THE TRAIN!!!!”

Yang’s head jerked up in shocked. That shout was extremely close; too close to be possible. The train was moving near high speed by now. Already the station looked like a speck to them, but she definitely knew what she heard.

Yang:Please tell me someone else heard that?

Nora*halfway out a window* This is something you might want to see Yang.

Yang:*looks* Y....Yujin!?

Several feet behind them was none other than her daughter driving right beside the train at full speed. She glances over at her mother with an awkward smile and wave.

Yang:YUJIN!?

Adam:Never a dull moment.

Ruby:How’d she gey the mustang off of Patch?

Yujin:Tell the conductor to stop! I’m almost out of ga- *car slowing down* damnit.....!

Yang:Shit! Uhhh is there an emergency break or.... Oh! Make a portal mom!

Raven:That car is still moving way too fast. Last thing we need is mustang flying in here. If she got out the car then-

Nora:Would a boy flying through here be a problem? *smiling*

Once again they look out the window but the mustang is empty. A trail of orange lightning can be seen barely keeping up with the caboose of the train.

Raven:*grabs sword* I’ll try...

Yang:*walks to the back.*

Yujin:Whenever I need help you never hesitate.

Tenzen:*carrying her* By now you should know I have your back; even if your ideas are completely insane.

Yujin:*stretching*If I can just reach the back....I almost..... *grabs it* Ha!

Tenzen:*tosses her up* Good luck!

Yujin:Huh? Take my hand!

Tenzen:Nah, this is your goodbye. Tell my mom she doesn’t have to worry about me. *stops running*

She can see him wave as the distance increases. Her heart starts to race as her palms get sweaty. Only thing standing in her way now is a few doors. All she has to do is open it.

Yujin:*grabs handle* Here goes noth-

Yang:*Opens door*..........

Yujin:....Have you been crying? Your eyes are puffy.

Yang:Your eyes are puffy too......

Yujin:It’s been a rough morning. *pulls out journal* I guess you were wrong about me not getting anything from you; we cry the same. *shaking* You were also wrong about you being a terrible mom. I’m a sorry excuse for a daughter.

Yang:Yujin I-

Yujin:No, I need to get this off my chest. I...*sniff* I punched you in the face, screamed and shunned you. I said I didn’t care if you came back alive. *crying* How could I say that to you!? I am so, so sorry mom. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I did. All you did was try your best to be around ever since you came back and I-

Before she could chastise herself further, Yang reached out and pulled her in close. Whatever Yujin was going to say turned into pure noise as she began to wailing into her mother’s shirt. All Yang could do his hold her tighter she started to cry again too.

Yujin:I can’t believe I wasted the entire week being upset; now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.

Yang:It’s alright, this moment right is enough. It’s more than enough. *lets go* I want you to know that I’m not mad at you in the slightest you got that? Life has a way of bringing people together when it matters most; I’ll come back to you and your father I swear. *wiping Yujin’s tears*

Yujin:We’ll be waiting for you; no matter how long it takes. Mom I...I love you, even when I thought I didn’t. Being your daughter is something I’ll never regret.

Yang:I love you too and I’m so proud of you as well. You’re growing up just fine. *smiles* Promise me something; promise me that you’ll continue to be the best version of yourself you can be and show everyone at Beacon what you’re made of.

Yujin:*smiles* Ha, with this journal I’ll make sure everyone knows what a Xiao Long can do.

Raven:*walks in with everyone, including Tenzen* Sorry to cut this short but people are starting to see we have stowaways.

Yujin:How’d you get on Tenzen?

Tenzen:*winded* We overshot a portal your grandma made. Please don’t make me run that fast again.

Nora:At least you got to see me one more time. *hugs him*

Raven:*makes a portal* this leads right to Jaune. Stay safe kiddos.

Yujin and Tenzen:See you later everyone!

Everyone:See you when we see you.

Tenzen:*jumps through portal*

Yujin:Later “Hunter extraordinaire.”

Yang:Later Sundrop.....

As she walks up to the portal, Yujin stops for a moment and turns back around. Without warning she swaps her blue bandanna with Yang’s purple one.

Yujin:For luck, better have it when you get back. *jumps through portal*

Jaune:*waiting*

Yang:*smiling* Deal.....

Yujin:*hops out* Hey dad! Saw mom and I sort of lost the car in a ditch. Sorry for not telling y- *gets hugged*

Jaune:You’re such a handful you know that?

Yang:I think it’s genetics. Can we go home now? I’m super exhausted.

Tenzen:At this rate you’ll be spent before the exams begin.

Yujin:About that, *looks at journal* I think I’m gonna hold off on those until next year. I got some reading to do.

Sienna:*ears twitching* You hear that?

Jael:As clear as day.

Sienna:Guess that means you’ll be a year ahead.

Jael:Nah, *holds chest* I think....I want a breather and spend time at home a bit longer. Is that okay?

Jacquelyn:When would I say no to spending more time with my kids? So, you gonna say hi to her?

The idea was enticing and not a bad one. Before she agreeded to it though her eyes glanced back over at Yujin; specifically what was around her neck. A pendent in the shape of a sun. Not much different than the star pendant Adam gave her as a late birthday present during the festival. The only reason was it was late was because during her actual birthday he was already off to check in on Yujin like usual. But why would he give her one too? Unless both of them have close or the same-

Jael:.....*walks away* I’ll pass, not up to it. Maybe next time.

Jacquelyn:Oh uhhh okay? Let’s get going then.

Jael:Fine by me; not a fan of this place anyways.

Yujin:Hmm? Is that Adam’s family? Maybe I should say- *tugged away by Tenzen* hey! What ar you doing?

Tenzen:You smell like you haven’t showered in in a day, you’re in a tank top and pj pants with no shoes, and they probably need time to themselves. Not the best time for first impressions. Go home dork; I’ll call you later.

Yujin:You have a point I guess. Thanks for everything Tenzen; you are a real life saver.

Tai wraps his arm around the girl and walk off with Jaune. Neo finally decides to make her leave with Ilia and Blake as they discuss their next move. Tenzen however takes a minute just to stare at this mysterious girl with goat horns as she continues to walk away. He couldn’t put his finger on it but there was something about her aura that was just.....intense.

Tenzen: “A life saver” huh? I hope it wasn’t that serious. *walks home*

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