#like i can usually sort of control myself but when i'm tired i can't

[catharticsky]

i feel like if i acted following my instincts all the time i'd be the biggest asshole ever

[drmaddict]

Yogi's Choice

Summary: The CoD guys with a girl who is into yoga.

Characters: Soap, Ghost, Alejandro, König, Rudy

Wordcount: 1.995

Soap

"What are you doing?"

Johnny's voice snapped me out of my concentration. I put my feet on the floor and sat down on the mat beneath me. Slightly annoyed, I looked up at him. "Yoga."

He was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, one eyebrow raised. "And you always look like a pretzel? Apart from that. Why didn't you ever tell me that you can put your feet behind your head? As your boyfriend, I should know that!"

I just rolled my eyes and tried to get into my next pose.

"What's that called now? Warrior something?"

"Super Soldier." I mumbled, concentrating on keeping my balance.

Johnny laughed. "Looks pretty wobbly, soldier.", he teased me.

I didn't let myself be put off. "Then why don't you try it yourself?" I mumbled and changed sides.

I heard him clap his hands. "All right."

I slowly stood up again and watched Johnny trying to sort out his limbs, which only resulted in him standing very stiffly on my mat with his legs a little wide and looking down at himself in confusion.

I smirked. "What's wrong Sergeant?"

He looked at me stubbornly. "Hey I've only seen the pose once. Let me think!"

I grinned. "Legs hip-width apart. Good. Upper body down. Put your weight on one leg and slowly lift the other. Now grab your foot with your hand and-" BOOM. Johnny fell over like a sack of rice. I stifled my laughter with all my might.

"Fuck.", he grumbled, but immediately stood back up and tried again... and again and again.

I watched him sit cross-legged until he looked down at his legs angrily and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Looks pretty wobbly.", I grinned.

He grumbled to himself, his accent becoming so strong again, that I could hardly understand anything. "I'll figure that out!", he promised and quickly left the room.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting a stupid yoga mat!", he shouted and I heard the door slam.

Knowing him, he wasn't going to let that down until he managed to hold this not-so-easy pose.

I could have just told him, that he has to bend his knee, but what would be the fun in that?

Ghost

"What are you doing here?" I mumbled, still slightly sleepy.

Simon was sitting on the stairs of the terrace, looking out over the moonlit farm. "Can't sleep.", he mumbled. He tapped his temple lightly. "Too loud."

I sat down next to him. I put half of the blanket I had wrapped around me around his shoulders and leaned against him. "Sorry."

He just mumbled.

We sat there quietly and listened to the nocturnal animals. "Don't you want to go for a walk?" I mumbled into the silence. That was usually his way of dealing with insomnia.

He sighed. "I'm already done."

I looked at him in surprise. "How long have you been awake?"

He shook his head. "Since we went to bed."

"Si." I sighed.

He rubbed his tired eyes. "I'm open to suggestions.", he mumbled devotedly.

"How many nights has it been?"

He looked at his hands. "The third."

"You haven't slept for three nights?", I asked, shocked. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He sighed. "I slept. Just very little."

I rubbed his back. "I'd say do yoga, but-"

He dropped his head onto my shoulder. "I do everything now.", he mumbled devotedly.

I laughed in surprise. "Really?"

He nodded.

He let me gently maneuver him into the house until I sat him down on the soft carpet in the living room.

He followed my little lesson without hesitation. Copied the gentle stretches. Followed the breathing I instructed him to do. We both lay on the floor in shavasana. "Concentrate on your breathing. I like to imagine a circle that gets bigger, when I breathe in and smaller, when I breathe out.", I explained. "This gives your head somthing to do."

He nodded almost imperceptibly and found his rhythm. "Let your limbs consciously become heavy. Push the tension out of them in a controlled manner. Relax your face."

I listened to his breathing and the soft noises that came through the open window. Simon was lying next to me. His eyes closed. His face relaxed.

He seemed calm. I was just hoping, that he would at least get some rest, even if he couldn't fall asleep, when his all-too-familiar loud snoring made me look up.

I grinned. There you go.

As carefully as possible, I laid the blanket over his tall form and trudged to the sofa to lie down again. We could always deal with any back pain later.

Alejandro

I felt a couple of big hands on my bottom.

"Hot." Alejandro grinned down at me.

I stood up again. I rolled my eyes, smirking slightly. "You really use every cliché.", I said and poked him on the forehead. "Weirdo."

Alejandeo wasn't impressed at all and simply pulled me towards him, until there wasn't a hair's breadth between us. "I am a man. We're simple creatures.", he beamed and tampered with my neck while he kneaded my bottom extensively.

"Ale!" I protested with a laugh and pushed him away from me. "I'm not finished yet.", I complained.

He looked at me closely. "I want to watch.", he said.

I just rolled my eyes again. "But shut up.", I admonished, poking him in the chest.

"Whatever my angel wants.", he just grinned and sat down next to my mat.

I ignored the presence of the born macho next to me and resumed my exercises. I let my breathing and movements carry me and felt myself becoming more relaxed with every stretch and every pose, until I almost forgot that Alejandro was watching me.

When I opened my eyes again and got ready for the real world, I saw Alejandro watching me intently. He was smiling gently. Almost like a schoolboy he was beaming.

"What?" I asked, confused.

He crawled up to me and kissed my forehead. "You're beautiful.", he smiled.

I felt the heat in my cheeks. "Shut up." I smiled sheepishly.

Alejandro just grinned. "You'll have to teach me a few things.", he said.

I laughed. "You want to learn yoga?"

"Hm. Some of it would be the perfect punishment for a couple of rookies... And some of it could be very helpful in private, of course." He waggled his eyebrows playfully.

I laughed. "An absolute cliché. You macho."

"You're into it."

"Admittedly." I confessed and kissed him.

It didn't take long for Alejandro to misappropriate my yoga mat.

König (Klaus)

"I'll kill you.", Klaus bit out quietly between his teeth.

Horangi laughed in amusement. "What's wrong, big guy? You said we need to relax more."

"What's relaxing about this, please?", he hissed. Klaus found himself in a very tense version of downward-facing dog, trying to remember what his back should feel like.

"Dig your left heel into the ground and lift your right leg. Keep your hips parallel to the floor.", instructed the yoga teacher of the class, walking through the rows in a relaxed manner.

Klaus knew her. Unfortunately. She lived in his apartment complex. He'd had a crush on her for a while. He had never spoken to her before. He wasn't sure if Horangi had planned this somehow, although he couldn't know anything about it. Klaus just concentrated on not making an absolute idiot of himself and lifted his right leg up with perhaps a little too much momentum. His foot banged against something.

"Hmph."

Klaus quickly pulled his leg back and looked into the face of his neighbor, who was rubbing her jaw. He turned bright red. Horangi next to him almost burst, it looked like, because he was trying to suppress his laughter. He was only partially successful.

"I'm so sorry.", Klaus stammered, but she just waved him off with a smile. "More shock than damage. Normally, the legs I walk past are shorter. I should have been more careful."

Klaus remained silent. Once again, he didn't know what to say. However, she only gestured for him to get back into position.

"Now pull your right leg towards your chest. Move your shoulders over your wrists. Breathe out. Breathe in. Bring your leg back up and forward again. Find your rhythm."

Klaus was still trying to suppress his shame, when he felt two delicate hands on his hips. He flinched slightly. "Hold it straight. You're bending to the left.", she explained gently.

Klaus quickly shifted his hips as he should and looked stubbornly at the mat. "Perfect." He heard the smile in her voice.

"And put it down. Very good. Go into plank and then transition to cobra or upward-looking dog."

She went on relaxed and corrected the contestants. Horangi was still laughing his head off.

Klaus just tried to breathe away his erection. For the rest of the lesson, he stubbornly looked at the floor and prayed that the time would pass more quickly.

Horangi put both their mats away as the teacher moved towards Klaus. His heart immediately raced.

"You live above me, don't you?" she asked cheerfully.

Klaus nodded quickly. Too quickly, he realized. "Uh... Yes."

She smiled. "Say, do you fancy going for a coffee or something?"

His heart skipped a beat. "Coffee? Uh? With you? The two of us?"

She laughed again. "Yes, both of us."

Klaus would have liked to slap himself. "Yes. Yes, that sounds... Yes."

"Okay. This afternoon? At three?"

Klaus nodded.

"Will you pick me up?", she winked teasingly.

A smile crept onto his face. "I hope I'm on time... Traffic."

She laughed. "See you later."

Klaus smiled and looked after her.

Horangi joined him. "You're the only guy I know who can kick a woman in the face and then get a date out of it."

Klaus looked down at him, annoyed. "You have to be over 6'3" for that."

Rudy

"Ow! OW!"

I jerked my upper body forward again and turned to Rudy, who was red-faced and pulling his legs to his chest.

"You said push." I tried to explain myself.

He just nodded. "And I made a mistake with that.",he whimpered.

"Are you okay?" I asked carefully and stroked his head.

Rudy put his head in my hand. "I'm just waiting for my adductor muscles to reattach to the bones."

I grinned and continued stroking his hair. "You really don't have to do this with me. You know that."

Rudy shook his head. "It was my idea."

Rudy had offered to get a little more involved in my yoga hobby and maybe practice a few couple yoga poses with me. Rudy was strong. He had proven that more than once. Many people underestimated him, but he simply had working muscles, not gym muscles. Unlike any man I'd ever been with, he just threw me into his arms and made me feel like I weighed as much as a squirrel. So he had fun holding me into the air, while I let myself fall into the poses, knowing he would always catch me.

Only the stretching exercises weren't his thing. We sat down with our backs to each other and our legs spread apart. First he leaned backwards and pushed me forwards. Then it was my turn. "Realy press yourself against my back.", he had said and then immediately yelped in pain.

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

He opened his eyes, which he had closed due to my stroking. "Everything is fine. I'm just stiff.", he winked.

I sighed. "Injuries are no joke, if-"

He reached for my free hand and squeezed it lightly. "Torn muscles and tendons feel different. Trust me." He grinned. "I'm just old."

I grinned. "At least it's good for the joints."

He nodded, still grinning. "Then we know what we can do together in the old people's home." He kissed me gently.

I smiled. "I'll get you stretched by then."

He laughed. "I'm counting on it."

[angel-of-the-moons]

pavitr who can reads minds and he accidentally reads reader mind and it's just full of horny thoughts abt him ngl

Okay okay this one is like such a neat idea because I remember in the comics (I haven't read in forever) that Miguel could do this! So... Omfg poor Pavitr!!!

Intrusive Thoughts

Pavitr Prabhakar x Spider-Person!Reader

Because I'm tired of repeating myself: PAVITR IS AGED UP IN THIS FIC

TW/CW: Horny thoughts, NSFW, bit of smut, our poor boy was not prepared.

MINORS DNI I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTENT YOU CONSUME

A/N: This is shorter than my usual fics, but like asdfghjkl omfg it was fun.

🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷

He wasn't sure why he developed this power. Miguel seemed at a loss and told him maybe it was a delayed mutation brought on by his spider bite.

Miguel had been coaching him on how to control the influx of thoughts that bombarded him, how to tune them out, how to focus on specific thoughts in particular. It honestly made it easier in some ways to fight, not just relying on his Spidey senses.

But... He couldn't help but be curious... He wanted to know what you, his partner (in every sense of the word) thought of him.

Pavitr was not prepared for that.

Your brain was...

He expected the innocent thoughts, how you thought his smile was cute, what were you going to make for dinner, etcetera...

But what he didn't expect to hear or see?

The thoughts swirling through your brain about him and you, naked. Doing... All sorts of things. Together or alone.

The thoughts of him pressing you down into your bed, fucking you relentlessly from behind as he kissed your shoulder.

You on top, riding him like your life depended on it.

In the backseat of your car, you grinding your hips down on his, feeling him twitch inside of you as your muscles squeezed him like a vice.

On the couch, biting into the cushions to stifle your moans and cries as he fucked you.

Him laying you on the table, on his knees, using his mouth and tongue on you until your brain couldn't work and your vision blanked out on you.

In the shower, pinning you to the wall as he slides in and out of you, the hot water slicking your skin and helping him glide in and out of your greedy hole.

The sweet, charming things he'd moan and hiss through his teeth and into your ear.

Pavitr Prabhakar was not prepared. He was thankful he was wearing his mask, otherwise he was positive someone would have taken notice of the bright red pigment that had taken over his tanned skin.

You were sitting in the cafeteria of HQ, eating your lunch, pretending to read the book in your hand, looking so innocent despite the impure thoughts that were at the forefront of your mind.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Miguel tapped on his shoulder.

"Yeah, that's why I don't read minds unless it's necessary." He said, leaning down to Pavitr's level to talk quietly to him.

"I--I can't even--" Pavitr sputtered. "How did you--?!"

"You've been standing there, ramrod straight for almost ten minutes. I can hear your heart rate up." Miguel sighed, standing up straight and crossing his arms. He didn't seem too uncomfortable by the subject. Just how many times as he heard thoughts like these from other people?

"And yeah, lesson for the future, don't read your lover's mind in public. Things are going to shock you." He patted Pavitr on the shoulder, a bored expression on his face before he walked away.

When Pavitr looked back at you, you were staring at him. Oh, so innocent-looking.

When you'd disposed of the rubbish of your meal, Pavitr whisked you away to speak to you privately.

"Pav? What's wrong?" You asked curiously.

He checked the area, making sure nobody was listening; before gripping your shoulders and giving you a light shake, his voice sounding almost traumatized and shell-shocked:

"WHY ARE YOU SO VILLAINOUSLY HORNY?!"

[thepirarucuandtheorca]

Goonya Monster Oneshot: Time of Awakening

AN: Here's another Goonya Monster short story centered more on my OC Manta and her first Monster transformation.

I remember the very first time I transformed into my Monster form. The memory is bleak and sometimes blurry, but I still remember it well. Octo was the very first person I told this story to since I trusted him, even though I told him in private. I did want to tell the others back at the Orcinus meeting, but all I said was that I was born a half-Monster and knew Orca since I was a kid.

Well if I'm being honest, Orca was the first and only person I told about my first transformation to since she too is a half-Monster like me. She could understand how I felt about the whole case since she was in a similar situation like me during the deforestation, the day we were separated. Her fateful encounter with the one and only Dr. Virus still shocks me to this day. I've heard of Team Virus, but seeing Orca saved by the founder? That was something else. It's just that...she's my childhood friend. I've know her for so long. I can tell her anything you know.

But about when I first changed. It happened when I was thirteen years old, just a few years later after the deforestation. At first, I never thought I'd see Orca again. I thought she was either dead or captured, so nearly every day of my life I would sit and think about her when I was home or whenever I returned to the forest she called home. Well, what was sort of left of it in a way. It almost felt like yesterday when we first met, when two half-Monster children became close and deep friends.

This one day, I decided to head to what kind of was left of the forest Orca called home. It was our usual hang out spot since...you know...Orca didn't really trust humans because she was raised in said forest. Basically, I was the first ever human to be her friend because she trusted me and knew how much I too liked nature. There was still some nature left, but it still pained me to see the scars the forest had to recover from. I remember feeling that burning rage inside of me as well as gaining determination to protect what I cared about.

I also remember sitting on a stump of a cut tree as I continued to think about Orca. I wondered where she was. Was she ok? Surely those humans didn't kill her right? Oh I would of been devastated if they killed her. That's when the rage built up even more. I remember getting so angry over the humans destroying Orca's home to where we had to be separated, my hands gripping the sides of the stump I sat on. At the same time, I had a burning desire to protect nature just like what Orca wanted. After feeling those two things immensely, I remember feeling my body overflowing with power. That was when it happened.

I can't recall what happened exactly, but I remember going through that Monster transformation, unleashing that inner Monster that had been sealed away inside of me. I guess half-Monsters get their Monster forms at a certain age when I go back and think about it. The parts I remember from the transformation happened to be my skin hardening, body increasing in size as well as muscle mass expanding in my arms, and horns coming from the top of my head while my face hardened into rock. Of course, the clothes all the Monster wore came with the change too.

Once it was over, I remember hearing myself roar after my first transformation was complete. The rest of my first time as a Monster are a bit hard to recall since I couldn't exactly control this new state I had achieved. All I knew was that my half-Monster heart had became whole...and that I was ready for vengeance. Some of the blurry moments I can remember are hearing my footsteps storm the forest as I began to punch the destroyed trees out of rage, still keeping that desire burning in me while still having no control over that form.

I don't exactly know how long it lasted, but I remember growing dizzy and tired a few moments later to the point I got to my knees and returned to my human form. The final thing I remember from that time of awakening was seeing the minor destruction I caused in my newly obtained Monster form, soon realizing that my rage and determination were the very two things that triggered and released it. I will say, I remember telling myself I had a lot of training and hard work to do if I were to pull of controlling a Monster form for a half-Monster such as myself.

My training went on for years after that first change. It was hard at first, but the more I practiced and transformed, the more I got ahold of my monstrous self. Better stamina, resisting the urge to eat souls(they still come every once in awhile), testing my strength, you name it. It's just that all of that hard work paid off, and I don't think I'd be here today if it wasn't for that. Heck, I don't think I'd be with Orca again!

I still have that burning desire to protect nature, but I no longer needed that and my rage from that tragic day to trigger my transformation into my Monster form, the Nega-Gargoyle. Now I can freely switch between being human or Monster while also still choosing to fight as a Buster along side my new friends. Next time I see the others, I'll have to tell them this story. I've already told Octo and Orca already knew from the getgo, so I am quite curious to see how the others will react....

[merge-conflict]

Since you asked twice: 4, 61, & 66 for the fic writer asks :>

Heheh :3 (questions here)

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

I ask myself questions. The scope and number of questions depends on the idea. Am I looking to complete a next scene? Why don't I know what the character will do next? Do they need to make a decision, or does something need to motivation to move past an obstacle? Is their struggle internal or external at this moment? Are they at full capacity or are they tired or hurt and more likely to mess up or do something impulsive?

For fic ideas it's just that but broader. Usually I get a snippet of a scene or inspiration from some outside source- either my own life or some other story. Maybe I just think that two characters should meet, or be put in a situation where they have to fight. Maybe Johnny should punch Valentine in the face. Then I just work backwards from there- what kind of pressure would cause them to be angry at each other? If they have an argument can it be exacerbated by some vulnerability or just because they're having a bad day? Because something else happened and now they're on a hair trigger? What would cause them to fight instead of just walk away? And then just sort of reverse engineering the situation from there. It fails a fair amount of the time, but asking the questions themselves helps flesh things out to make it easier to work out ideas for those characters or any characters, so there's never anything lost through brainstorming.

Also honestly sometimes when I can't think of anything or I'm frustrated and want to vent or cry about it... I'll give myself a weird objective. Try a new POV. Keep it a certain length. Change tense. Write about someone without ever saying their name. It also doesn't always work, but concentrating on some new kind of goal often gets me out of the pit I've been languishing in even when it fails.

61. Why do you continue writing fics?

I love doing it, and also I can't really control my brain when it comes up with stories. So they're going to be in my head anyway, and writing them down helps me develop them and enjoy them even more. Obviously I do love and enjoy the community part of writing fanfiction, and getting feedback and engagement. (Love it. Crave it. Don't we all?) But ultimately I just love doing character studies, and constructing scenes and making things. Sometimes I "write" for hours and get very little done but I really enjoy that time, and if that ever changed I wouldn't do it.

66. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie. pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc.)?

I don't think any of those things worry me too much. I do feel bad for not updating regularly sometimes but I hardly do anything regularly. I could keep a habit for 3 months and drop it in 2 days for something new. If I don't like something I'm hitting the bricks. Honestly the biggest struggle I have is that period of time just before and just after sharing a story- it's like as soon as I hit post my self-confidence dives, and by that time I've usually reviewed my own writing so many times that it just looks like garbage. Similar to saying a word over and over until it becomes meaningless and annoying? It's kind of the worst. So far the only solution I've found is to leverage my adhd and distract myself until I'm out of the danger zone. I've also found the more I do it the easier it gets, like exposure therapy. The anxiety poison damage from posting gets a little less now that I know "How It Works (tm)".

I do often get stuck on something (a scene, etc.) but my writing process is really messy and so I will leverage having multiple projects and just sort of tool around through them until I find something I can make progress on. If I have motivation I have to follow it or I'll never do anything so just going with the flow and not getting too hung up on doing things In Order or finishing my writing veggies before my writing dessert. Having little to no executive function means that there are some things that I can't do without spending extra spoons and I'm alright with some comfortable chaos.

[lululawrence]

how do you feel happy? (like... when you've had a bad day what helps? I'm on a four month loop of bad no good bad days and all of my normal tricks no longer work. trying to see if anyone else has any ideas)

oh nonnie. i am so fucking sorry to hear you're where you are! i hate when i reach a point when nothing that usually helps seems to help anymore.

honestly, your opening question had me pause. how do i feel happy?? happy feels... fleeting for me these days. now, for me at least, i think this is mostly because i'm just so bone deep tired that every part of me is just kinda barely existing in survival mode. because of this, the ways that i kind of help myself after a bad day are incredibly specific to me and my needs. i also have an entire slew of layers of things i touch on to try to help myself, depending on what i need that day.

i think you can mostly look at these things as physical needs, emotional needs, mental needs, social needs, and sensory needs. i know there's a lot of overlap in these, but the way i kind of... hone in on them is different and i hope how i explain it makes sense.

this got so stupidly long that i'm putting it beneath a cut and i'm telling you outright at this point you do not have to read all of it. i'm a talkative sort on the best of days, but you hit on something i've been focusing on so much these last few years that i had to infodump and i apologize lol but i did try to still make good points so hopefully you get something good out of all of it??

physical needs. when i'm focusing on my physical needs, i'm literally taking care of my body and it's most base needs. unfortunately, i'm not always good at doing that during the day when i get overwhelmed with the kids. so at the end of the day, if i'm recognizing that i didn't eat enough, drink enough water, get enough sleep, haven't showered in a few days, etc then i take care of that. i try to make sure my teeth are brushed, i'm well fed and watered, and all that and then i tuck myself into bed. it's amazing how just taking care of the most basic of needs for myself after a day of somewhat neglecting them can make me feel like a new woman, or at least a refreshed one.

emotional needs. sometimes it's been a day that has me feeling like i'm on the verge of tears pretty much nonstop because of the constant onslaught. as soon as i have a minute, i hide myself away and i read or watch something that i know will make me cry. sometimes i even just go to my friends and tell them i need some positive words about me reminding me i'm not a shit mom, horrible person, failure of a wife, etc etc etc depending on what it is that is weighing on me the most that day. oftentimes, their generous words are enough to make me cry and give me the emotional release i need. because see, i need to hear those things, but i also know i need to cry, and i oftentimes can't do that on my own. so i have a good cry and then i figure out what i feel like would help me most emotionally and do it. bake cookies, watch a cheesy chick flick, binge some west wing episodes, indulge in watching our flag means death or heartstopper again. maybe i need to read a soft fic that will show me that the characters can make it through hard times and come out stronger in the end too. maybe i need a soothing bath with a bath bomb or a nice sheet mask, and then i can take care of my physical needs and my emotional ones at the same time.

mental needs. sometimes i just need to STOP. for a long time, the way i took care of myself was i reminded myself i have control over SOMETHING, even if it isn't everything that's spiraling out of control or causing the actual issue. that often helps ground me, and that means i had to do a lot of stuff. i clung to it, honestly, and it helped me keep my sanity for ages, even as i not so slowly was thrust into burnout because of it. i'm still not sure i wouldn't do it again, honestly, because it got me through some of the hardest shit of my life, but also it's fucked me up to the point that i don't know how to relax anymore, and it's even manifesting physically. this means that oftentimes my mental needs revolve around having to force myself to stop and breathe. so whatever way i can actually force myself to do this, i do it. if i want to see a movie, i go to the theater where i am surrounded by the film and am much less likely to get distracted by anything. i also allow myself to info dump, usually on my husband and usually about whatever is going on in the fandom at that point lol i try to hold it in because most people in my real life don't care or don't want to listen to me talk about them that much, but there comes a time where i just need to give in to my autistic need to infodump to someone and it is the biggest burst of serotonin to be able to do that. basically, i have to find a way to trick my brain into allowing me to stop and breathe.

social needs. i... listen. my social needs are specific and come with a lot of strings attached these days. i'm an autistic adhd extroverted mother of three special needs kids and i also happen to have ptsd and social anxiety. like. my needs are met in very particular ways and i don't get them met often or enough haaaaaaa but sometimes i have to get out of my house. sometimes i need to just be around people who aren't going to make any demands of me and my time, who are going to let me just... parallel play, basically. lol so i feel like i'm getting interaction and like... physical nearness but in a way that's not even more draining. so i have very specific days and times this is done and i just make sure i get regular doses to keep myself sane and even when i feel guilty as shit, i still make myself take that time. hah

sensory needs. sometimes i get so overwhelmed all day from all the touch and all the sound and all the BAD mental stimulation that i have to cut myself off from it all. sometimes just going out in the garden outside is enough. listening to the birds and the bugs and the wind and the cars and such is so much more soothing than the kids fighting and crying and demanding all day hah but sometimes i also need GOOD stimulation. so i put on my sound cancelling headphones and i listen to an audiobook read by a soothing voice. i listen to my favorite songs. i listen to just WHATEVER I WANT. and change it WHENEVER I WANT.

basically, this got incredibly long and i'm so sorry for that, but i just. these are kinda like bandaids for me. they are tiny drops of water that i use to add something to my often so empty it is bone dry cup. they help me feel human and remind myself that i genuinely do still enjoy some things, if i only had the time and energy for them. there are still good things in life. they don't always make me feel happy, but they do make me feel satisfied and content. and honestly, these days? that's about the same thing for me.

but through all of this, i also have my big ticket items. the biggest of big ticket items for me is live music. i THRIVE in those spaces. my anxiety does too, though, and always has done, which is good to know now cause i'm finally on meds that make it so i don't get physically ill within an hour or two of leaving a performance or concert anymore, which is incredibly helpful. but i have to save up these items. i used to go to concerts all the time cause i was single or newly married and didn't have kids, the shows were cheap, and we had the money to spare. we... do not anymore. so i have to be picky. and that makes it hard because it means i don't get my regular intake of the experiences that are some of my favorite in this entire existence we live. but i splurge when its something i genuinely love, and that's louis. his shows hit on about 5 of my biggest priorities when it comes to concerts, from good vibes within the audience itself to good vibes from the artist to the actual physical vibrations i get in my chest cavity from the bass and the drums moving their way through me. so i do my best to make it to as many shows as i can, and just knowing i have those coming up can get me through a lot. a seriously awful, horrible, incredibly shit day can be slogged through because i know i have a louis show coming up at some point where i will be able to throw myself fully into his music and sing on the top of my lungs but still be drowned out by the music coming out of the speakers. they renew me. i went to three shows in one week and i was physically exhausted, but as soon as i sat down i told my therapist that i felt better than i have in probably a year after going to those three shows. it took a lot of energy i didn't have to make it work and be able to attend them, but i benefitted more than i realized i would.

and THAT is what i mean by a big ticket item. it's not necessarily something that is without sacrifice, but it's worth it because it fills you in ways these smaller things can't. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THESE BIGGER TICKET ITEMS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. it doesn't matter what it is. maybe it's a special meal at your favorite restaurant. maybe it's a road trip, or a long visit with a friend, or buying new nail polish or shoes or whatever it is that really fills you up in every way. make sure you always have something like that to look forward to.

like, i know that my shows will end, and be over with and that is kinda sad because once that happens, i don't have anything specifically to look forward to. but i do know that there will be more. i will have another concert to attend at some point, and hopefully it'll be louis'. just like i know there will be more, you have to train yourself to know there will be other big ticket items coming your way to help fill you too, but you have to also actually follow through with those too. make sure you are actually doing that for yourself. give yourself the refill your cup needs so badly.

SO.

tldr: for the short term fixes, assess what it is you/your body actually needs and do what you can to fulfill those needs. sometimes they aren't fun and they don't bring you joy, but the feelings of contentment and satisfaction that come from it can be just as fulfilling and do that much more to put you in a better place to take on what the next day will bring.

for the long term, always have something that is very fulfilling to your needs to look forward to and then follow through with it. the drops of water help, but only to keep you going until you can fully drink in the way your body craves. figure out what it is for you that allows you to really, deeply drink and make that a priority whenever possible.

GOOD LUCK NONNIE. i'm sending you the best vibes and want to give you all the hugs i can. xxxxx

[timeoverload]

I haven't had much to say lately. I go through the same routine pretty much every week. I feel like I am repeating myself over and over. I'm not very exciting. I also figured it's probably best if I stay quiet if I don't have anything positive to say. I don't like complaining all the time. I have been tired and grumpy and I haven't been sleeping enough. I have been doing my best not to project how I'm feeling because I don't want to bother anyone.

Typing is sort of difficult for me right now. I can't tell if my arthritis is flaring up or if I'm developing cubital tunnel syndrome. My right hand and arm hurt really bad right now. It's making it hard for me to get a grip on things. My ring finger and pinky are tingling. My ulnar nerve moves more than it's supposed to and gets trapped sometimes. My elbow snaps a lot when I bend it and it's loud. It has always been an issue for me but I try to deal with it. I don't think the weather is helping. I am going to do my best to ignore it and hopefully it will go away soon. I am doing everything I can to avoid going to the doctor for a while.

I have been busy as usual. My work-load has increased a lot but it always does this time of year. A new eye doctor started recently so I have had a lot more cases than usual. The past few days have been very stressful because we have been installing a new computer system at work and I don't think we prepared enough for it. I have mixed feelings about it. It has changed the way I do my job in some ways. We had been using the same system since I started so it has been a tough change for me. I'm used to having to scan instruments into the autoclaves and stuff but a lot of our documentation was still done on paper and now most of our records will be digital. There used to be a batch sheet that would print out when we would load the autoclaves that would list everything that was in there but now we have to get on the computer to check which can be inconvenient if someone needs that information quickly. I can't just print labels for my cataract pans at the beginning of the day so now I have to do each one individually and it makes it difficult to keep track of which doctor I should be setting up for. Surprisingly I didn't make any mistakes today so I guess that was nice. I understand that the new system is better for tracking and saves paper but it's still annoying and takes more time. I'm glad I'm a fast learner and I know how to use it already but it will still take some time to get used to.

I am happy that I have been able to have some peace in the morning this week since the morning team lead is on vacation. That probably sounds bad but I know that he would have been stressed out if he was at work this week and it's hard to be around him when he's like that. Everyone else has been in a bad mood as it is so I don't need any more drama right now. One of the girls in my department was really upset about something earlier and then she snapped at me when I asked her if she was ok. I didn't do anything to warrant that kind of response. I was just concerned. I am trying not to take it personally but I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her if she's going to be like that.

I'm a little frustrated because I'm on probation for sick days again and I got a verbal warning so I can't call in for a while. I also don't have any PTO. I don't want to get written up so I'm trying to avoid that. I can't afford to lose my bonus this year because I have so many bills I need to pay right now. I have been having trouble managing my finances as it is.

Maxwell, I really would like to come see you before the 17th but I don't think I am going to be able to. I don't want you to be upset with me. I don't want to wait that long either because I miss you and it's making me sad. I really hate the way things are at the moment but I know it won't always be like this. I wish I could make you happy right now. I'm sorry.

I wish I felt like I had more control over my life. I hope that someday I can get my shit together. I want to be responsible. I don't understand how other people can balance everything without falling apart. I am trying not to complain about stuff but I can't help it.

Overall I suppose this week has been ok despite the circumstances. The schedule tomorrow looks bad for me but I will try to make it a good day anyway. I'm looking forward to the weekend even though I will likely spend most of it in bed trying to feel better. I need to stop typing and give my arm a break for a while because it's starting to bother me a lot. I will probably be up late again because I still have stuff I need to do tonight. I'm going to do my best to get things done quickly so that I can relax for a while before I go to bed.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. I appreciate the nice messages because they make me feel better when I'm down. Thank you all for caring and listening to me. 💖💖💖

[symptoms-syndrome]

Normally I'd preface this with a lot of "people who experience this are valid" kind of disclaimer but my therapist is urging me to do that sort of thing less and just be upfront. So I'm going to do that.

I'm honestly really, really tired of a lot of the conversations, online and offline (though those lines are more blurred now) surrounding mental health and illness being about how "you can't always tell." Stuff about how you notice it more than others and stuff like that. "You're valid if you're struggling in silence" or "x isn't meant to support or notice people with issues" or whatever whatever, talk about people being passed over and people not noticing or whatever kind of "validity" talk.

I've been, to some degree, objectively noticably fucked up for a very, very long time. I've been going to a therapist since I was six years old. I started Special Education in elementary school with gradually increasing intervention, and was sent to a separate special education school for most of high school. As far as I know I didn't get clear diagnoses (or they weren't shared with me) until middle school (when I got diagnosed with PTSD + depression, with some other diagnoses soon to follow) but even without clinical labels school staff, as well as my classmates, knew there was something wrong with me. A lot of the time other people knew there was something wrong with me before I knew it myself. I've been to a lot of therapists. A lot of partials. A fair amount of inpatient. "At risk" programs for "at risk/troubled" kids. I've been dropped from therapists for being "too much" or "untreatable." One I remember meeting for an intake appointment, and he told me to my face that my trauma was far too much for him.

Rarely ever do I see people talk about that sort of experience. I feel really alienated and sidelined by a lot of bigger conversations because I'm one of "those people." There's an implicit message of "it's okay if you're not one of those crazy retard sped kids" but what if I am. What if I am the kind of kid that even the kids with real bad depression or ADHD or whatever side-eye. My college counselor deleted all the colleges I said I wanted transcripts sent to (I had very good grades, the best I could do with my extremely limited access to mainstream school) in front of me because she said I shouldn't set my hopes high and "people like me" usually go for a trade instead. I got accepted to one of the best when I went around her and submitted the transcripts myself. Even if I wasn't able to go in the end because of homelessness.

There's such a unique trauma to being constantly under the examination of professionals. Like I'm squished under a microscope slide at best and discarded as a "someone else will deal with that, I can't" at worst. And then sort of loosely thrown into the "real world" which is quite the culture shock when you're used to your every move being highly controlled and needing authorization and permission and all that shit to do anything. But there's this weird dichotomy of being watched and controlled at every moment while also having no one give a shit about you. I'm sick of hearing only shit about how no one can tell you're mentally ill and how that's sooo hard and they wish they were more visible. No you don't. If you knew you would know it fucking sucks. And everyone hates you for being so visibly fucked because you're a bad mark on their program or whatever so they just send you off to someone else or just give up on you altogether. And now I gotta pick up all the pieces by myself and figure out how much of what I'm fucked up with is what I was told and how much is real. The people in charge of making me better just fucked me up.

[melancholy-marionette]

Hi! I just wanted to ask how your arm is doing? I hope you've been well;; -💌

That's really sweet of you :3 I can't lie, it's not great, haha. Everything feels so stiff and uncomfortable, and I managed to fall over trying to have a shower the other week, which only went and made things worse >.< haha. I really can't wait for the cast to come off. I had a checkup the other day, and the doctor said that it might be ready tome off at the end of April/start of May! And then I have to do physio to try and get some strength back in it x3 I'm just fed up more than anything because I don't like sitting around not being able to do stuff, and I don't like that my poor dad has to take over all my usual household chores and stuff when he's already tired after work because my brother refuses to help out. It's really not fair on my dad :( 

I've read a couple of books, and managed to binge the entirety of the His Dark Materials TV series xD And while I can't really position my laptop on me in a usable way, I can put my switch on the arm of the sofa and click 1 button for switch VNs, haha. So I've been playing a bit of Cafe Enchante awkwardly on there. I wouldn't say I'm madly in love with any of the characters, but I do love the world-building in it! It's the only VN I have on there though x3

Been watching all the lil birdies in the garden wishing I could go outside, haha. Just not in a great place atm cos not being able to properly distract myself, it means I'm being pestered by all my evil negative thoughts more often, and it's not fun x3

My dad did move some stuff out of the way the other day to help me try and sit at my PC again. It's super awkward to use a mouse and keyboard with one hand, and I can't control the mouse very well xD but I managed to edit my music video template and start making videos for the Bitter/Sweet OST, so that makes me feel a bit better that I've been sort of productive, even if not much :3 I'll be happy if I can get the first couple uploaded and manage to keep going with the rest.

I hope things are brighter for you atm at least :3 and that you got to have a happy Easter! Also hope your weekend is awesome <3

[faithfromanewperspective]

drown out the sadness in the swimming pool. no, not like you're probably thinking. i mean in every lap of breast stroke on a cold autumn afternoon, pausing to rescue a toad that fell in knowing my guinea fowl will probably eat it later, its slimy feet on my bare hand. i'd do more laps usually, but this time, i'm glad i made it into the cold leafy water and maybe that's enough. something in me is tired, and it's not my muscles: they could go on for days, and I know that. I used to run for miles every single day, now it's hard to fit more than the essentials into life and i don't know if resting is making it better or worse, feeling like i'm falling behind, out of control. but i need to rest in order that it doesn't get any worse. i'm tired of carrying everything for everyone, my life being a constant puzzle of how is everyone doing emotionally which, while I enjoy it, it would be nice to just be able to relax for a bit. someone actually taking care of me for once in a way that isn't condescending or some sort of power move against me or making me feel like i have to manage their levels of commitment to things in their life they'll leave behind. overwhelming me. overwhelming them. i don't want to be cared for like that. i just want collaboration. more satisfaction. to make something i can be proud of but i'm dragging my limbs through things i used to enjoy. it's okay if i'm feeling a bit fuzzy about making this decision. it's not my always, it won't be, i keep telling myself, but when things change but don't get any better something has to change in order to manage this properly. but what can? i'll let go of all these unfinished projects, this chaos, when i've finished them. if i make it to that point. i'll celebrate and move on but i'll probably miss it, miss what it could've been if i could've enjoyed it and not known it'd be taken from me if i gave in to the pressures to have a career. but i also know i'd be bored without it. hopeless in the face of the world. restless ideas running though my head--i feel like i've had too many. i have to sit down because they take up everything in me just to store in my head; but how can i get them out into reality if i can't move to make them happen? i'm like my phone, unable to back up onto my hard drive because so many photos just make it crash. maybe it's time to think of a new way of doing it. but for the first time in my life i'm out of ideas. they've been spent elsewhere. there are barriers to getting everything i need i can't cross until i have what's on the other side of the barrier. it's like i'm solving a puzzle blind. maybe this will be the thing i need to get over it, but then it doesn't last and all i can think of is i'm not the only one who's feeling like this. i can sit in it. know that i'm not alone. i don't even know what the next thing in front of me is, but i'll try something, hope that it works.

[spookietrex]

Depersonalization and Derealization

My personal experiences and what they look like (from a licensed child/teen trauma therapist/C-PTSD person). TW: SA/incest, miscarriage

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

Feelings that you're seeing your thoughts, feelings, or body or parts of your body from the outside. For example, you may feel like you're floating in the air above yourself.

For me, this looked like when I was reading or in a scary situation, I would sort of float out of my body until I wasn't there anymore. Sometimes, it happened when I was at my grandma's house when I would get a particular feeling of unease or a flashback (but I didn't know it then). Sometimes, it happened when I was 6 and getting spanked. I would see myself from outside of me. Or in church, I could repeat my thoughts and sort of see them in the air.

Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of what you say or how you move.

For me, this looks like whenever I'm in too much pain, exhausted, tired, whatever, my legs go into robot mode, and I just sort of walk without feeling it? Idk how to explain it. Like I'm walking, and I can feel my legs moving, but I'm not in control. Or when I'm in meltdown mode, and I HAVE to slam my head into a wall or something because I can't stop myself. Other times when I'm studying, I just have to go to Task Mode. Kind of like Sim tasks.

The sense that your body, legs or arms appear twisted or like they're not the right shape. Or they may seem larger or smaller than usual. You also could feel that your head is wrapped in cotton.

This one used to be super bad for me when I was younger. If I'm having a really bad trigger day, I'll look at my hands, and they'll look like 3 times bigger than what they should. Or my fingers will look like Salad Fingers. My head feels confused and heavy and full of stuff. I'm not able to understand as well on these days, and I get frustrated very easily. Unfortunately, because I have hypermobile EDS, sometimes my body really isn't in the right shape (especially if I sublux something), so sometimes I have that symptom.

Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you.

Oof. Okay, this started when I was about 14-15? It's kind of blurry. I just stopped....caring? Like there was a switch in my brain that went off, and I was super apathetic. I still cared about some things, but like my reactions were so much more limited. Especially about Christmas. Like the year I turned 15 (a lot of trauma happened), I remember feeling really weird about Christmas. Like it just felt like another day. It was weird.

A sense that your memories lack emotion, and they may or may not be your own memories.

Okay! This is something my therapist and I had to really take time to figure out. I had repressed a lot of my memories until I was 27ish because I didn't feel that they were safe to feel. I had these weird memories of my brother pinning me down and using my butt as a drumset (weird), but it was devoid of emotion. Like I was numb. I was angry that it happened, but there was more to it. When I did finally uncover the rest, I was so shocked that I couldn't feel anything. I don't have a lot of emotions tied to a lot of my bullying. I don't remember a lot of the Super Important Moments of my trauma, but what I do remember has been constantly diminished and gaslit. I had to remind myself over and over again recently that I really did get pregnant and miscarry at 16/17 because my entire family denied it.

Derealization symptoms

Symptoms of derealization include:

Feeling that people and your surroundings are not real, like you're living in a movie or a dream.

Duuuuuuuude. I'm not gonna lie. I walked around like this for a solid 18-24 years. I wrote my life down in stories. I still talk to my childhood best friend and have to ask her like "Did that shit in my childhood really happen?" I get flashbacks to my childhood home regularly, which makes looking around my actual home with my wife hard because I often don't know what I'm seeing. I often feel weird like nothing is real, and I'm just in a dream state. Like nothing I do is going to really affect things. I often feel like I'm watching my life through a movie. My favorite joke is that my life could have been a true crime documentary.

Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall.

This was me growing up. I still have a hard time getting to know people. Being autistic, I often feel like I have to mask because people won't like the real me. (I have evidence of this. When I show my mental health/chronic illness symptoms, people often get frustrated and leave.) So I've stopped letting people in. My therapist of 4 years knows more about me than most people do. My wife is almost on that same level. Those are the only two. I don't really have anyone else in my life outside of them. My psychiatrist sucks ass. She literally didn't think I had PTSD and tried to diagnose me as just GAD and MDD. I often feel like a burden to others.

Surroundings that appear out of their usual shape, or are blurry or colorless. Or they may seem like they only have two dimensions, so they're flat with no depth. Or you could be more aware of your surroundings, and they may appear clearer than usual.

This one is bad when I'm depressed, I've noticed. So like when I look outside, I notice a difference in the leaves and things (leaves and fall are one of my special interests) and it looks...depressing, bleh, like color was drained out of it. Sometimes, if I'm in a great mood, the leaves will pop, and the sky will be beautifully blue, and things just feel crystal clear. The blurry, colorless thing is something I've fought with optometrists and neurologists about.

Thoughts about time that are not real, such as recent events feeling like the distant past.

Heh heh. I often think about my brother dying, which has been 12 years ago this year, or my brother terrorizing me as a child or my mother condoning it all. They feel very recent even though they were years ago. My relationship with my wife started almost two years ago, but it feels like forever. I don't remember some parts of it.

Unrealistic thoughts about distance and the size and shape of objects.

I had a BIG problem with depth perception when I was younger. It's actually why my mom didn't want me to drive. Well, that and control. I digress. Anyway, I couldn't tell how far away things were. I literally smack into objects all the time because I think they're further away than they are or think I can walk someone that I can't because it's too far away.

[kiwis990]

TW: tics, diagnosis, talking about myself.

Just to preface, I know I need to bring this up with my doctor (should've years ago).

I've dealt with what I've come to believe are tics for at least 6 years now-- 6 years is as much as I can remember dealing with them (I'm 20). I use the world 'believe' because I haven't been diagnosed, and I feel like my experience doesn't quite match up with others who have talked about it. I also have a very poor memory of my childhood, so I can't really provide any detailed knowledge about kid-me's symptoms.

ANYWAYS. But yeah. I've had the same facial tics (scrunching my nose, raising 1 or both brows, rolling my eyes and looking up to the left, flexing my jaw, blinking) off and on for at least 6 years. Potentially a sniffing tic as well, I genuinely don't notice it a lot of the time, though, but my family tells me I do it a lot. The tics get worse when I think about them or think about tics, get worse with stress, and become more frequent when I take my ADHD meds.

My tics are pretty mild. There are periods of days to a month where I don't notice them a lot. I'd say my most common state is about 2-3 an hour. Then there are other periods where I'll be ticcing nonstop for an hour or two a day (I also get super restless when this happens).

My problem is, when I've read online about various tic disorders, they all mention: 1. A premonitory urge, 2. Tics being uncontrollable (and sometimes not noticable to the ticcing person?), 3. People getting irritated with their own tics, 4. Tics being described as not feeling good. I don't fully relate to some of these-- or at least they don't read like my experience.

1. I do get a sort of "itch" feeling that goes away when the tic is performed. I'll typically tic until I feel better / feel right / the itch is gone (all are synonymous with each other). I have OCD, so the "just right" feeling throws up a red flag for me. Dealing with my OCD doesn't seem to affect them, however, so I don't know what to think.

2. I'd like to think I'm pretty aware of my tics. I don't find that most of them just occur without an itch that builds up in intensity over time. And even then, I can usually control whether to tic or not; it doesn't feel the best though, kinda like holding in a cough when you have a bad tickle.

3. I personally don't feel very impeded by my tics; this could be due to their mild nature though. I only really get irritated with them when I've been ticcing for an hour straight and my face becomes numb from it. I also feel embarassment when I get the urge to do the eye rolling and look up to the left ones. I don't want to come off as I'm being rude and rolling my eyes, but I can't help it. I find it way harder to stop my blinking / eye related tics.

4. My tics don't feel bad? Only if I'm having a bad day and have one of those "you're gonna tic for an hour nonstop" moments, I get really tired after those. I generally feel neutral towards them. The eye rolling one feels good to me (I'm extremely lucky that I usually don't have it a ton of times in a row-- it becomes painful if done more than 5 times).

But yeah. So I dunno whether to truly think I have tics, but it's the greatest thing I can come up with that fits my symptoms. I describe myself as "doing" them because I do have a level of control over them and it feels good to relieve that itch. Anyways, I'm absolutely gonna bring it up with my doctor next time I see them, though.

[lunarsprites]

08.08.23 - 09.08.23

I began writing earlier on my phone but I ran out of time.

I have this feeling that overflows each time, usually before my period comes, and it's the hardest thing for me to deal with because it's a whirlwind- no, something much messier than that- of emotions. It's like being strapped to a rollercoaster against your will. Some turns make you happy, and some make you incredibly afraid. Some turns make you cry, some make you enraged because you can't get yourself off and you don't know why.

It's so detrimental. I feel so stuck when this time comes around. It fogs my mind and puts a strain on my heart. It's especially not good because it clouds all the feelings I have in my current situation. It makes me feel so attached to this person. When I know I shouldn't be. And it makes me so utterly terrified when I am normally calm about the perimiters we've agreed upon.

At times, I feel as though I love him; or something along those lines. But as soon as those feelings rise, they get tossed into my brain and rationalized almost instantly that I could not be with this person on a serious committed basis for a multitude of reasons. But the comfort of it all in the moment, when we're alone and laughing or he's kissing my forehead and the way he holds me, the way he sometimes seems to care a little more, is so easy to just... Get lost in.

Trust me, I don't want to have these lingering feelings and this attachment, but since he's been staying over so frequently, and especially in this last week of just us being alone in the house, it's been blurring lines I drew; we drew. At least for me. I know where he stands with it, and I know there's nothing that can flourish from this. And the thought of that does pull at my heart a little. I can't lie, it does.

But there's really not much I can do about it. I just know I need to just be in control of my own life again. Things feel chaotic.

Maybe they're chaotic, or, at least seem that way right now because of this stupid bull-rush of hormones that is trampling me at the moment.

I need to realign myself again. This time of the year has been the roughest for me for the last four years. It's always been when things have fallen apart in the past; in my last relationship, it's always when things went south and the floor caved from beneath me and had me spiraling down an abyss. I want to break the cycle so badly. There's nothing more I want than to break this stupid cycle. I don't want to be sabotaging myself just because in the past it's what kept happening. I don't want to drown anymore. I am safe now, safer than I was.

It's so hard to feel like I'm not alone, but I know I'm not. I think I'm not... I know I could reach out to those around me but, I really don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be a victim and be weak and, believe me, I know it's okay not to be okay but at times I feel as though the friends I reach out to may be a little tired of hearing the same sort of things. I don't want to tell my mother either because I'll just hear the same thing. So I just get left with having to tough it out again. I can't lie at times like these I feel so suffocated I just want to scream into a void. I also just want to be told it's okay, that I'm doing okay, that I'm enough, and that I'm loved. I just want to be embraced.

[ 1:15 - but fuck, it's so suffocating right now. everyone is in their rooms; one flatmate walked out to me crying and just assumed I was crying because I was reading something and laughed it off. And I just played it off. My best friend also just walked out and just ignored me as well. I'm sure she has reservations toward me lately. He's in my room asleep and I can't even wake him up because he has work tomorrow, and also I've never shown any other emotion that wasn't just normal mild frustrations with external things and positivity around him. He'd probably be confused if I just came into the room crying my eyes out. But, fuck, it'd help so much to be held right now. Then again, the fuck would he even say, we're not dating, showing too much empathy or any emotion correlated to 'love' would be a line cross for him surely. ]

But I can never bring myself to ask that of anyone. I don't want to trouble anyone with emotions that may just be fleeting and that I'll eventually mull over and let pass me by.

I want to talk about it, but I honestly don't even know where to begin with it. If I were to call anyone right now, out of my closest friends, I would probably just hold back and not be able to say anything or the words would get stuck in my throat and I wouldn't be able to sort my thoughts out well enough and it'd be all misunderstood. I hate these feelings the most.

I feel hollow most of the time. I'm myself around everyone, but I also question who I truly am so often. Especially with these monthly ups and downs, the second I feel like myself and I feel good, two weeks later it resets into this chaotic mess and I just want to scream and tear everything apart and do nothing and hope all my problems go away if I just disappear. I don't want to see anyone, be around anyone, do anything. It's the worst because I know it's fleeting. But I just want it to never happen in the first place. Especially around this time of the year. The heart aches just worsen and I feel sick to my stomach.

[timeoverload]

Ok I guess I'm sort of feeling better than I did last night. I have been thinking about stuff all day and I've been trying not to have an episode but I did anyway. I can't help it. I'm having a hard time controlling my impulses too. I'm just too sensitive. I am so anxious, emotional, and tired. I'm a wreck. I felt like I was dying all day and I had to leave work an hour early because I thought I was going to throw up. I look terrible and people kept asking me if I was ok because I've been disassociating all day. I'm just so sick. It doesn't help that I've given up on putting on make up so everyone can see the bags under my eyes. I can't focus and I had to keep going to the bathroom to hide. I wish I could eat something but my stomach is in knots. I also don't want to spend money on food right now. I got 3 hours of sleep last night so I've been a little grumpy.

I think I'm also just insecure and terrified about losing you. I'm so sorry for being a nosy bitch and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I really don't want to be separated anymore because it sucks and I hate it!! All I want is to be able to hug you and that would make me feel so much better. I miss you so much!! I love you!! I'm also scared because I'm not going to be able to go to the tattoo shop much longer. The appointment that I have in October will probably be my last one for a while and I'm sad about it. That's like the only thing I have to look forward to. I need to be responsible though and my body isn't strong enough at the moment to keep getting tattooed.

I have to shift into survival mode right now. I am trying to save up money so that I can go part-time in November so I can apply for disability. I don't have a choice because I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to wait that long to do that but I don't have enough money right now. I need to get all of my doctors appointments out of the way because I'm going to lose my insurance. I don't know how I'm going to afford my medication and I can't stop taking it because I'm psycho without it. I need to be able to provide for myself somehow. I still have a mountain of bills to pay so I'm glad that I don't have to worry about rent too. I have started stocking up on things that I'm going to need. I am going to have to live off of canned food and ramen noodles for a while probably. I might be able to get temporary assistance but I'm not sure how to go about getting that. I don't have any guidance in this situation and I don't know who to talk to about it. I'm so lost.

I'm struggling so much to do simple things. I can't take care of myself. I took a shower earlier and I didn't have the energy to shave my legs so I've given up on that. I haven't cut my hair in so long and it looks like shit and I'm breaking out so bad.

I'm in so much pain and I hate standing for long periods of time but I have to. I'm pissed because they said they were ordering me an adjustable table for my station like 8 months ago and I still haven't gotten it so I'm constantly bending over to do shit. I have a chair that I get to use sometimes but usually I don't have time to sit down. They keep preaching about safety and using safe lifting practices because so many people are injured but they don't actually give a shit about employee safety. I'm still lifting heavy ass pans all the time. I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible now and I can't dispatch or load the big autoclaves anymore even though I used to enjoy doing those things. Luckily the younger people have started doing those things because they can tell I can't do it anymore. I hate wearing my stupid back brace and it gets so hot but it's the only thing that helps me get through the day.

My room is also already a disaster again even though I did a lot last weekend. I just can't do anything when I get home except for sit here and try to recover. I don't have the energy to do anything else and I'm so mad. I want to be productive.

I don't want to work myself to death. I feel trapped. I heard so many people complain today about how bad things are getting and the turn-over rate at work is so high. People are so negative and always complaining and it is bothering me a lot. There's always drama. The morning team lead is leaving next week and I know I don't always get along with her but things are going to be shitty without her there. I will probably get stuck doing extra work because we don't have someone to replace her. I will be alone in the morning until at least 8am every day unless my boss is there but she has been getting chemo so I never know when she will be around. I don't want her to work too hard anyway because I feel so bad for her. I think I'm going to have to start going in at 6 again to help out. I almost started crying in the locker room when one of the surgical techs was talking about how defeated she felt and how she would be so happy if she never had to come back. I feel the same way. It's so depressing and no one should feel that way. There are only 2 eye doctors that will even acknowledge my existence and say hi to me. All of the other doctors are so rude. I feel like I'm just a peasant and I'm just there to do all of the dirty work that no one else wants to do. I've sacrificed my body and my mental health so that they could be successful and they don't give a fuck. Of course I care about the patients that I help but the work load is really getting to me.

I probably shouldn't be drinking right now but I don't know how else to deal with the stress that I'm under right now. It's crushing me. I'm trying to be ok. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry again for being so emotional and dramatic. I will try to make tomorrow a better day. 💖

[uncle-fruity]

i saw your post abt t and singing and something i have been nervous about is how my singing voice will change. would you be willing to share more of what that was like?

Sure! Happy to share my experience so far! Sorry it took so long for me to respond, anon. Heads up, I'm probably gonna use musical roles as a reference point, because it's all I know lol

I've been on T for about a year and a half. I was an alto for most of my choir experience (which I did for about 8 or 9 years between school & college). I had a decent range -- though, I don't have the specifics -- and a strong voice. For a frame of reference, I was pretty comfortable singing along to the likes of Eponine & Fantine (Les Mis), Mrs. Lovett (Sweeney Todd), Millie (Thoroughly Modern Millie), Tracy Chapman, Janice Joplin, and others in that sort of ballpark. That said I could bust out a few high notes when I was all warmed up & actively singing all the time.

So, that's some context to explain the shift I've experienced. I'll say that so far I haven't had much trouble singing! I've had to shift some of my muscle memory, especially when I want to get those deeper & richer tones. There's a small part of my range where my voice just can't handle it right now & will crack or squeak, right around the shift between my chest & my head voice. Though, I had trouble with that shift even before starting T, so 🤷🏻‍♂️ could just be a gap in my skillset exacerbated by the changing vocal chords. I probably need to get an actual voice coach to help me with it or something.

The way my voice dropped has been steady. I'm not sure if it's at the lowest it's gonna be now or not, but it's decently lower than it was before. It was a gradual process. I'd take my shot, and sometimes I'd get a small sore throat for a few days (usually accompanied by some acne 😒), and then suddenly my voice would be capable of lower notes than before. And that's happened a couple times over the year & a half. More frequently in the beginning of my treatment.

In terms of depth, right now I can achieve most of Javert's (Les Mis) notes except for one or two of the lowest in his songs that I might be able to reach with more training. I'm very comfortable with all of Valjean's (Les Mis) parts, with pretty much no major gaps in terms of range. As long as I'm singing with the right muscles!

Can you tell I've been singing a lot of Les Mis recently? Lol

But actually? I feel that my voice is quite versatile. Like, I'm certainly not the most skilled singer in all the land, and I have some pretty obvious issues I'd need to fix if I wanted to be an Actual Professional, but I have some real range, that I feel is even better now that I can go lower. I sacrificed some of the higher notes, but I was barely using them anyway. I can still sing tons of songs from my old range (though, my tone is different & the notes aren't as strong as they used to be), which is pretty nice. I'm wondering if I'm #blessed or if that ability's gonna go away at some point.

What I will say is that my voice doesn't seem to have fully settled. I still have fluctuations in my voice that can be difficult to control. Sometimes, after a sore throat bc of the vocal chords changing, my voice will be tired & weaker bc I guess it gets worn out doing all that work! I think if a person whose main profession was their voice wants to go on T, they should expect to have to take it slower & maybe take a small hiatus up front until their voice settles a little & they get the hang of using it.

But yeah! I feel like I've rambled on here (as usual). I guess my main feeling is that I was never going to stop singing no matter what happened to my voice, and while it was the change I was probably most actively concerned about pre-t, I am absolutely over the moon that I can sing something like "Stars" in the intended octave now! I have so much more fun with singing now! I feel so much more comfortable with myself, and more confident in general, and so I just let loose and my voice is starting to come into its own.

I still have lots of learning & practice ahead of me, but so far it's been a satisfying journey! I'll have to report back in another year & see what changes I've undergone at that point!

All that said, I'm just one guy. Our bodies & our voices may be wildly different from one another & I wouldn't be able to tell you. I honestly feel pretty lucky to have the voice that I do. I don't know if other people are especially insecure or if I'm especially capable as a vocalist, but I feel like I see trans dudes who talk about having a harder time adjusting than I have, so I can't even tell you if my experience is standard or lucky or whatever.

Not that you asked for my advice, but I think you probably don't have to be too nervous (in my unprofessional opinion). The brain is very good at concocting up worst case scenarios for you & it's pretty much never that bad.

I think that as long as you love to sing, you'll always find a way to use your voice no matter how it shapes up. It's not so much what you have as it is how you use it, in my opinion.

But, as always when it comes to taking T, I think you should take your time and come to terms with your anxieties about it before starting it. T *will* change you in all sorts of ways, and it's okay to take your time sorting all your feelings out before diving in.

Hope that helps, anon! Hope you do what makes you happiest!

[muresetivoire]

Moony × Reader

Word count: 3577 words

Genre/Warnings: Fluff/Angst

If you want you can check out some more on wattpad (:

As I ran along the corridor, late for class, I bumped into someone with a loud ouch. "I'm so sorry" "Hey its no problem, let me help you," a soft voice responded. As I reached for my potions home work, a hand brushed mine. Remus John Lupin, my rival. The only person who's intelligence rivaled mine. The person who makes my life living hell. The sweetest gum-drop to everyone, loved by all. However, I'm not "all."

"Y/N?" he asked, looking at you with those big brown eyes. "I'm fine Lupin," I respond as I grab my book from his hand. "At least let me-" "I said I'm fine." He slowly gets up, and offers me a hand. I huff and shove it as I stand. "You know I was only trying to help y-" "I'll see you in class Lupin," and with that I storm off, leaving a very confused boy.

Now you're probably wondering, what makes one hate Remus Lupin, the sweetest guy, the glory of the marauders. Well let me tell you, not much.

My mother and his were the very best of friends, there by, we became best friends. Every holiday, every weekend, every opportunity we got, we were at the Lupins. Remus and I grew close. He shared his love for reading with me, a love I always had but never felt so confidence to share with him. From fantasy to romance, I read it all, but I never shared it with him. The vulnerability I felt knowing he'd see what I enjoyed, what I loved, what I wanted, it was too much. His mum told my mum about his "illness." He thought himself a freak, a monster. He would cry about it, the pain he felt, the embarrassment of scars. To me, he was all but an angel sent from heaven, beautiful and pure.

Before we began Hogwarts, we made a promise to never leave each other's sides, to remain best of friends, no matter the houses or the circumstances. As it turned out, we weren't sorted in the same house. Everyone was shocked knowing that studious Remus was sorted in Gryffindor while me, odd-ball and awkward, was sorted in Ravenclaw. At first we were both shocked, but we kept the promise.

Until one faithful day.

Now while I never shared my love for reading with him, I did share everything else. My love for baking, knitting and potions, you name it, he knew. We shared our darkest secrets with each other. He shared his insecurities about his scars, and me my insecurity about being "fat." We made plans to open a book/tea shop, he would supply the books and I the tea, obviously. He knew everything about me, except for my reading and I knew everything about him. And for that, I loved him, but he never loved me.

In the beginning of the first year in Hogwarts, in the middle of a potions class, we were presented with amortentia. Why we were presented with such a complex potion at such a young age, I couldn't tell you. Perhaps Professor Slughorn was feeling cheeky. I smelt him in it. I smelt the soft worn out pages of the books that he read, I smelt the roses he always grew, his chocolate he always carried and something entirely him. After class, we met at the lake, our place where we'd meet and study. As I approached him, he seemed really tired, as usual, and something I thought I never imagined he would posses, anger, raw and bitter anger.

"Hey Rem, you alright?" He turned to me with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. "Rem oh Gods, whats wrong?" I rushed towards him and slowly wiped his tears away. "Talk to me, please," I asked softly while I wiped all evidence of tears. He looked up at me, those beautiful kind eyes, eyes that held so much emotion but always the best ones. "I don't want to talk about it," he said batting my hands away. I awkwardly fixed my glasses, "Okay well whenever you're ready, you want to start studying for our potions exam?" I began to unpack my bag when he got up, fuming. "You know what, yeah I do want to talk about it" I sat up, completely confused. "Remus?" "Y/N how is it, the one person, the one person who hates reading, detests it, passes every exam without fail? And not just passes, but tops every class. How?"

I sat there gaping, "Well I-" "Don't lie to me, don't you dare." I stood up, a feeling of anger consuming me. "What do you mean Remus? I study just like you, just like everyone." He grunted and groaned, "Stop lying to me," he screamed, "I read everyday, I study all the time, and yet you, you get all the awards, all the academic glory" I feel myself begin to heat up and tears begin to form, tears I begged not to fall. "What do you want me to say Remus? That I cheat? That- That I use spells to make me remember? Is that what you want to hear?" He stares at me, his gaze hardening. "I'll give you one chance, and one chance only, tell me the truth." I step back, gaping, confused. "I already told you Remus, I do the same as you, I study." He looks to me and says in a tone I never believed he could conjure, "Fine, if that's what you want to tell me, don't talk to me at all." "Remus you can't be serious." The tears I tried my best to hold, began to spill furiously as his words made me crumble. "Y/N, I don't ever want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to study with you and I sure as hell-" "I smelt you in the amortentia today," I blurt surprising myself. "You what?" "I smelt you, the chocolate, the roses, your books," I say sniffling. He laughs, a cruel sarcastic laugh, "Oh really? Me? You must be joking?" I stare at him, confused and hurt. "You think I'd ever smell you, or like you. Y/N you're bloody lying to me, I could never like, or for that matter, love someone as hideous as you." My eyes begin to gush now. How dare he? The one person I trusted, my best friend. "Remus you don't-" "Oh but I do," he said while he picked up his bag and looked at me. "What about our plans?" He looks to the school, "I could never work with someone like you Y/N, I've never disliked someone as much I dislike you now." He begins to walk to the school, "Remus wait I-" "Leave me alone forever Y/N, and don't come here anymore, I have other plans here, plans that don't include you." With that, he walked away, leaving me, my tears streaming, my glasses foggy and my heart broken.

So you see, I never really hated him, but I obliged to his wishes. We never met again, he hung out with his friends, James and Sirius and Peter. As for me, I hung out with the first person I spoke to in Hogwarts, Andromeda Black. Now, Andromeda and I are two very different people, but we shared a love for potions . She knew of my love for reading, she saw me reading on my first night at Hogwarts. We became quick friends, and she soon became my best friend. She's like a sister to me, but I never did tell her about Remus.

After I left Remus on the corridor, I ran and met Andromeda in potions. "Hi dearie, saved me a seat?" She laughs and moves her bag. "Students, please note, today we will be brewing potions in pairs," the class sighs, "pairs that have already been chosen." I sigh loudly. "Cmon its not that bad, you could be paired with that cute Hufflepuff guy." We laugh softly. Remus and another guy run in and swiftly sit down. Professor Slughorn begins to call the list of pairs. "Andromeda Black and Xenophilus Lovegood," with that Andromeda groans and gets up. "Y/N Y/L/N and Remus Lupin," and my mouth fell open.

Remus came to my seat and we began to collect and prepare the potion. No one knew the potions name, only its ingredients. However, these ingredients seemed familiar but it never clicked. I felt his eyes stare through me. From the first year to the fifth year, my body didn't really change, I still remained a "fat girl" but hey I grew some boobs. Does he still think I'm hideous, I thought. I shake my head and we work in silence. "So how are you Y/N" he asks softly. Those beautiful innocent eyes stare right through me. Nope, not happening. "I'm fine Lupin" "Quite the tumble you took today, I-" "Let's just finish this okay?" He shakes his head and we work in silence. He seemed, nervous? Sad? Distressed was the word. After finishing the potion, we all gathered at the front. Dread began dawn on me as I fit the puzzle pieces together. "Now, who can tell me the name of this potion hmm?" "Amortentia , sir," I say in a soft voice.

"And Y/N can you tell me what happens when you smell this potion?" "You smell things that you like sir," I answer shakily. "Very good Miss Y/L/N, please, do us the honours of smelling the potion first." Dread fills me, but I still walk towards his desk. Please, I silently beg, please. "Well Y/N what do you smell?" I inhale the the aroma. "I smell- I," I gulp, "I smell roses, chocolate a-and books." Professor Slughorn applauded and awarded Ravenclaw 20 points and I return to my original place. I feel his eyes on me, but I only feel pain. After four years, how can I? As class is dismissed I begin to rush outside, but he grabs my hand. "Y/N please wa-" "Let go of me Lupin" "Y/N, please I-" "Lupin let go of me," I hear my voice break with emotion. He hears it too and let's me go.

Later that evening, at the brink of dusk, I sit in my room reading. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a favourite of mine, and one of Remus' too. I sighed and stared out the window. Its been four years Y/N, pull yourself together. Those four years were one of the most brutal years. Thank goodness for Andromeda, without her I'd be so lost and defeated. After that day where Remus and I fought, he moved on well, he was constantly surrounded by his friends and well I, I was alone. I spent my time helping Madam Pomfrey. I learnt how to conjure spells to fix injuries and how to fix bones and so on. Although Remus and I stopped speaking, I never told anyone about his "illness," but I did help make the potion to control it, Madam Pomfrey taught me how to. He didn't know this either, not that he'd care or want to talk to me or- Pull yourself together Y/N, he forgot about you, he kept his promise and you did too. I sighed and began to turn in for the night, my mind racing.

To say I avoided Remus for the next week was an understatement, I ran from him. I spotted him the corridor, I ran the other way. Saw him in class? Sat away from him. Saw him in the library or lake? I'd be gone before he could say quiditch. It hurt, but I needed to do it, our last conversation played in my head over and over again. I couldn't bear his venom again, but I missed him, but could I manage without him? Hell yes.

On the Sunday that week, I walked down the stair well of my common room, wearing a fluffy sweater and cozy joggers. It was exactly midnight and I'd gone avoiding Remus perfectly. The heavy monsoon of October interrupted my sleep, but otherwise the school was sound. I crept down and checked for anyone. No one, lovely. Now I know what you're thinking, Y/N what on earth are you doing? Its bloody midnight. Well, I'll tell you. I was going to read. Due to my hectic schedule and lack of free periods, I spent most of the day working. But at night, it was the only time I read. I grabbed my wand and made my way to the library, my footsteps muffled by the pitter patter of the rain.

As I reached the library, I sighed in relief. No hiccups on the way, thankfully. However, the scent of chocolate lingered in the air. I tensed but brushed it aside, he was here today Y/N, I said to myself. I shook my head and began to search for a new book. I gently tapped my wand against a lantern and held it. Tonight was a mellow night, I wanted some excitement, a bit of comfort. I sighed, laughing to myself as I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from the bookshelf. I made my way to my reading nook, a cozy little spot, very hard to find, between the ends of the furthest bookshelves. As I read, my eyes became droopy. Five minute won't kill me, I convinced myself. As my eyes grew heavy and began to shut, a loud crash jolted me awake.

Who on this bloody earth would be in the library at this hour, I thought to myself. I extinguished the lantern and hid between two bookshelves. I held my breath and counted silently as I heard footsteps approaching. I exhaled slowly as I heard them fade away slowly. I stood up and sighed, picking my book from the ground, making my way back to my nook. Or I would have, if it weren't for the hand that grabbed me.

I spun around and was promptly shoved against the bookshelf, a warm lean body pressing into my cold soft one. They covered my mouth but I saw no hand, their other hand trapping my hands above my head. They slowly removed their hand from my mouth, and removed their cloak. The warmest brown eyes, eyes filled with emotions I've only read about, met mine. "Remus," I exhaled in a mix of shock, hurt and relief.

He stared at me, those big thoughtful eyes watching my every move. He took his hand and fixed my glasses that slipped down. "Hi Y/N," he said softly. My heart caught in my chest and my throat felt thick with emotions. "Let go of me Lupin," despite me being a larger girl, Remus was still stronger, by a lot. "Cmon Lupin, let me go, I'll leave and you can have your private time," I begged looking into those beautiful hazel eyes. "If I let go," he whispered softly, his breath tickling my ear, as he leaned in,"will you let me talk for a minute?" My heart hammered, "Yes." He slowly let go of my hands and stepped back. I sighed with relief, and then shoved him and ran.

I ran out the library, down the hall. I heard him calling my name but my tears that streamed my face answered why I couldn't stay. After four years, I never did stop loving my- the big goof. I reached the end of the corridor and ran onto the lawn, a stitch forming in my right side. I gasped as I felt myself begin to freeze in the cold rainy night. Bloody twit used a hex on me. He approached me with a vigor and I stared at him, tears streaming, and my heart hurting.

"What the hell Remus, let me go," I gritted as I tried to move. He took my wand away and held it. "Look, I just want to talk, I'll let you go but please, please listen to me," he pleaded. How could I ever say no to that beautiful boy? I nodded as best as I could and he unfroze me, my wand still in his hand.

I stared at him, my tears flowing in torrents, just like the rain, "What do you want Remus? I did as you asked, I left you alone," I shout over the boom of thunder. He looks at me and I saw tears flowing down his face too, "Tell me the truth Y/N" "Remus I di-" "No Y/N, tell me why you wake up every night, why you sneak off to the library every night." "I-Remus b-" "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice cracking, "You made everyone believe you were uninterested, bored by reading. You lied to me," I sobbed. "I didn't want you to-" "To what Y/N to judge you?" he stepped closer to me as the rain and soaked our clothes. "To what, think you a nerd? Like me?" "No I-" "Y/N is that really what you think of me, well than-" "I lied because I couldn't let myself be vulnerable around you," I say as I sob looking away, "Remus, I- I didn't want you to see what I liked or what makes me cry, or angry or happy," I sniff as thunder booms, making us both jump. "Then why did you tell Andromeda?" I gape at him, "Yeah why?" I felt my anger build up, "She found me reading one day Lupin, I don't have to explain myself to you," I huffed as I began to walk away. "I smelt you, in the amortentia," he admitted, his voice thick with emotion.

"In our first year, I smelt you," he said, stepping closer to me,"I smelt green apples, like your perfume, cookies, like what we baked, and books. Books." I stand staring at him but he continued. "I smelt you but you never told me about how you read, why you'd come to class tired, or why you stayed up all night. I thought you trust me Y/N" "I did Remus and I do," I cried, "I just couldn't afford to be vulnerable around you." "Wh-" "Because I love you Remus," he stared his mouth ajar, "I've always loved you Remus, I love that you trust me, that you showed me everything, your likes, dislikes, loves, hates, the good and bad." The thunder boomed but I continued, "I didn't tell you because I was scared Remus, it felt like sharing a piece of my heart with you, and I didn't know if I wanted to share so much, knowing that you didn't love me." I sob miserably as tears flow slowly down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I never meant to hurt you," he cried stepping closer to me,"I know what I said that day, and I've never forgiven myself for it," he said as be wiped his eyes, the thunder rolling. "I'm sorry and I know I hurt you, I thought you hated me," "Remus I-" "I thought you hated me and preferred Andromeda to me." "Rem, you were my best friend, and I loved- I still love you," I admit, defeated, "I didn't want to show you everything, I didn't want you to hate me." He holds my hands and intertwined our fingers, "How could I hate you when you're my love?" he asked, as he crashed his lips to mine.

My eyes widened but I slowly melted into his embrace. He dropped my hands and pulled me in gasping softly. His hands wrapped around my waist and mine, tangled in his chocolate locks. I never felt such passion, such emotion, emotions I only read about. I felt tingling sensations stretch across my body but his touch soon soothed it. He pulled away slowly, both of us gasping for air. "I've always loved you Y/N," he said as he pulled me close, his hands wrapped around my waist,"I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm so-," I silence him kissing him softly, "It's okay Rem, I would have probably gotten mad too," I said sniffling. He chuckled stroking the small of my back. "Well, I think of a way I can make it up to you." "Oh?" I sniffle as I look at my beautiful boy. "Y/N, you are the love of my life, I love, love, love you," he holds my chin and and makes me look up at him. Raindrops and tears mixed and fell down both of our faces. "Be my girlfriend, and maybe one day-maybe one-," I kiss him and he sighs, relieved. "Yes Rem, I'll be your girlfriend."

He hugs me and kisses my forehead. We hold hands and walk in the rain, talking and laughing. "So how on earth did you know that I read in the night?" I ask him. He laughs and pulls us into the corridor, sopping. He shows me the marauders map and explains it. "I'm sorry I spied on you," he apologised blushing. He held my hand and led me back to my common room. When we reached, I turned to him. "Thank you for the walk Rem, I'll see you in class today?" He smiles his signature gorgeous grin, "How about we skip today?" I laugh and I kiss him, "Whatever you want Rem, Whatever you want."