#living in a toxic household is that constant feeling of 'i want to go home'

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Feeling Big Sad and Big Stressed today which is really annoying because I’m sick of feeling like this and I know it’s a direct result of being in this environment, of being around the soul suck that is my mum, and I’m just stuck for another almost six weeks. I’m TIRED man.

[only-lonely-star]

Could you write a fic where the reader is Pony's friend, had been for a while but Pony doesn't really bring her up because he doesn't want the guys to tease him even though they really are just friends. Her home life is getting rough so Pony gave her his address and told her to crash with them if it ever gets to be too much. She ends up going one night and climbs in through Pony's window (she had gone with him to pick up tge book she wanted to borrow one day after school) and climbs into his bed not realizing him and Soda share a bed. Her and Pony are pretty happy cuddling eachother so she thinks nothing of it but it ends up being Soda and not Pony?

Lots of detail sorry lol just love your work and would love to see this come to life!

୨୧ ⁠♡ Night to Remember ⁠♡ ୨୧

~ Ponyboy Curtis, Sodapop Curtis ~

Warnings - This is somewhat sad in the beginning and how I worded a few things makes the situation for the reader sad. It’s nothing too bad, only minor arguing and yelling. Neglectful and abusive parents. Besides that, this story is sort of a funny one in a way. I decided it’s best to classify it as ‘fluff with a side of angst’ 😭

Summary - Escaping your toxic household to the Curtis’s house with…a twist?

Author’s Note - I GASPED when I first read this request, thank you so much for submitting!! I’m so glad you like my writings. I hope I wrote it well! Enjoy 🫶🏼

Word Count - 1.9k.

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Walking up the steps to your small house on the hill, you could already hear the distant screams from your parents. They constantly argued only to make up the next day and argue all over again by nightfall. It was an endless loop you seemed to be stuck in - wishing you were anywhere else but home. The walk home was always fun, up until Ponyboy turned the corner and left you to finish the walk on your lonesome. Strolling down the street as the sun slowly set on a cold fall evening calmed you.

Unlocking the door with the spare key, you saw a broken glass bottle smashed along the cracked wooden flooring. Your parent’s constant hollering seemed to worsen as you stepped foot inside.

“Go! Just get out - take your daughter with you!” Your mother hollered to your old man who seemed utterly fed up with her. You looked between them with fear in your eyes, confused as to what you had done to be put into this mess.

“I just got home, what are you on about?” Your voice came out, thicker and more bitter sounding than you had expected. Your mother’s cold eyes aligned with yours, an uncomfortable amount of emotions flooding over you.

“I said get out!” she yelled louder than before, clearly displeased with your presence, “You don’t do a damn thing to live here! You don’t pay a single bill or work a job - all you do is hang out with those hoodlums!”

Your mind darted to thoughts of your good friend, Ponyboy. His words echoed in your mind, tuning out your own mother’s as she continued to holler.

”Come whenever you need to, okay? If it ever gets too hard on you back at your place…you’re welcome at mine…”

You brushed past your father’s tense shoulder, not caring to argue further. It calmed you to know you had a safe haven to escape to on nights like this. Ponyboy would be warm and welcoming just like a family should.

Drowning out the shouting that continued on, you began the trek to the Curtis’ home - book bag and all. Striding down the sidewalk, you slipped your hand into the side pocket of your tattered backpack. A crinkled piece of paper was retrieved; Ponyboy’s address was scribbled on it in blue ink. You’d never been there, but you knew him well enough to have heard about his own family issues. The loss of his parents which left him and his two older brothers to fend for themselves seemed scary. It made you feel a sense of gratitude to still have parents even if they were horrible to you.

The sun seemed to have set, stranding you amid the crisp air and the occasional streetlight ahead. Only a bit further and you’d be there. Convincing yourself you’d have a better stay at Ponyboy’s home was very comforting. You could both catch up on some reading or maybe even smoke a bit if he’d lend you a cigarette. Before you knew it, there you were. The same scribbled address on the paper matched the street and house number you had walked to.

Taking a deep breath, you approached the front door with a pit in your stomach. It seemed quiet; too quiet. Backing away from it, your anxiety had gotten the best of you.

”I’ll just use the window,” is what you said to yourself, kicking away small twigs and leaves to pry it open. You slid the window up, slipping yourself through the crack you managed to open.

The room was dark, a limp body lying underneath the olive-colored comforter. You smiled fondly. Ponyboy was already asleep - a strange sight to see since it was still a bit too early to wind down for the night. You let out a small sigh of victory knowing you could finally relax in a much quieter space than your parent's home. You carefully slipped the straps of your backpack off, mindful to not wake Ponyboy.

“Close that damn door,” he murmured, his voice raspy and sleepy. You instantly felt a pang of guilt for waking him. You set your bag down beside the small wooden desk that was pushed beside the bed. With a swift movement, you shut the window from the inside.

Ponyboy lay in a white oversized t-shirt, his back facing you as he curled himself up into a ball underneath the bedding. You glanced around the bedroom before joining him in bed. You kicked your shoes off, spreading open the sheets and comforter.

“How was school?” the voice spoke in a drowsy state. You decided to not ramble on and let him rest. Besides- you were the guest here.

“It was nice,” you replied softly. You were starting to feel sleepy as well, all of that walking surely paid off. Snuggling underneath the bedding, you felt him shove some of the sheets your way to cut you a bit of slack.

“You cold?” he asks, his head slowly turning to glance at you. Your back was facing his, the only source of light being the pale moonlight seeping through the window. You mustered a small head nod.

The warm touch of his arm suddenly draped over your waist was unexpected but welcomed nonetheless. He nuzzled the tip of his nose to rest against your spine, exhaling with a soft chuckle. “You smell like a little girl or something,” he teased light-heartedly.

You let out a forced laugh, not totally understanding the punchline to his little joke there. His voice was awfully deep; something you didn’t remember Ponyboy’s voice to sound like. He sounded like he had more of a southern drawl now as well. Hell- your voice became naturally deep when you were sluggish but nothing like Ponyboy’s sudden change.

Your eyes fluttered shut, the gentle hug from behind causing a wave of sleepiness to wash over you. Your breathing slowed, signaling you felt at ease for once. It was a nice contrast to the nagging hollers from your parents- that was for sure. Ponyboy seemed to relax further, a deep sigh being released from his lips. He nuzzled his face closer, “Pony, did you ever take out that trash?”

You froze, lifting your head in utter confusion. You glanced down to find a random man you’d never seen a day in your life. Panicked - you let out a scream and scrambled off the bed, falling to your ass on the cold wooden floor, taking the sheets with you.

The scream startled the stranger as well, sitting straight up in the bed - what was left of the bedding covering his lower half. “Who the hell are you?!”

Your eyes flung open, standing from the floor in a swift second. You stammered over your own words for a moment, trying to get them out. “Where’s Ponyboy?!”

He glanced at you and then to the open door where both Ponyboy and his eldest brother stood, shock etched on their faces. Your immediate shock subsided once you reestablished that this was in fact the correct house, and you’d perhaps slipped into the wrong bedroom.

Ponyboy pushed past his other brother, muttering a slur of words under his breath. “Oh no…no, no, no…”

His siblings exchanged confused glances, the oldest on the brink of a migraine. He pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. Ponyboy stood beside you, dragging your arm and ushering you by the window for a bit of space. He could see the messy attempt you’d made in trying to shut the window and locking it back up firmly. “Damn it, why didn’t you knock on the door?” he questions, glancing behind him to see the boy in the bed rushing to slip on a decent pair of pants.

Your eyes were staring into his with a look of guilt and confusion. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know this wasn’t your bedroom!”

You flung your arms in the air, innocence in your expression clear as day. Ponyboy sighed and rubbed his temple using his middle and index finger, adding pressure to the spot. His lips curled into a soft smile, the laugh echoing in the room. “I share a room with Sodapop over there,” he cracked up at the lack of information he’d given you, resulting in this whole encounter.

Sodapop’s eyes met yours, a rather apologetic and embarrassed look sewn onto his face although a bit of a grin was visible. With this newfound information, you quickly put the pieces together and realized the other brother was Darrel. You let out a deep exhale, your own giggle slipping out.

“I am so sorry…” you began, your flushed cheeks and smile being quickly covered by your hand, “Pony, I blame you for not telling me!”

You swatted his arm before placing both hands over your mouth, the embarrassment lingering. Both Sodapop and Darrel couldn’t help but chuckle - this big mishap was too hilarious to just brush off. Sodapop stood from the bed and ran a hand through his greasy combed combed-back hair before approaching the two of you.

“Pony, why didn’t you tell me you were at that age you start bringin’ girls home?” he teased, wrapping his arm around Ponyboy’s neck from behind and giving him a good noogie to mess up his hair. Ponyboy giggled, attempting to pry Sodapop’s arm off and away. Darrel stood at the doorway, nearly about to throw a fit at the mention of it.

“We’re friends, I told her she could come over when her folks got into fighting and stuff again,” he explained, trying to save the friendship from becoming awkward at his brother’s teasing.

Sodapop’s eyes had a slight shift in expression, but he reached a hand out to you nonetheless. He smiled warmly and looked down at you. “Soda,” he introduced himself so friendly to you that you nearly forgot how you screamed at the first sight of him.

You returned the smile with one of your own and shook his hand firmly. He spoke up again, nudging Ponyboy with a laugh. “Ponyboy’s got the voice of a girl - I was convinced that was you talkin’ to me!”

Ponyboy retaliated, shooting a glare at him. Before he could say much more, Darrel stepped closer and held his hand out to me as well. The introduction went smoothly, his hand was quite large but perfect for firm handshakes. “I’m Darrel…Darry.”

For once you felt welcomed inside of a home. You felt an immense amount of gratitude for Ponyboy and his cordial brothers who didn’t seem to mind your company at all.

Darrel stepped aside and motioned to you for the door, gently pushing Ponyboy’s shoulder to follow. “Ponyboy, get her familiar with the couch if she’s stayin’!”

He did as told and picked up your backpack to carry towards the living room. He sat you down as Sodapop’s charming laughter echoed down the hallway.

“Next time just knock, okay? Better yet, come right in. The door is never locked,” Ponyboy instructed with a small head shake following that up with a giggle, “You’re welcome anytime.”

You grinned from ear to ear at the strangely new feeling of belonging. Welcome anytime? Was this a dream?

Before you knew it, you had your arms around Ponyboy’s neck, trapping him in a tight hug to show how thankful you truly were. It was safe to say this was a night you’d never forget.

[elliespassagerprincess]

requesting a fic of Ellie n reader running away and their lives kinda suck but they’re still glad cuz they have eachother and they’re away from their old environment and that’s all that rlly matters :) based on things to do by alex g!

things to do - (ellie williams x reader)

Hey anon! this is such a sweet idea! I loved writing this so much. Ily for this. I hope you enjoy it:)

This story is based off the song Things to do by Alex G. If you can please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are open, feel free to leave one!

Warnings: toxic households (but there's a happy ending)

Summary: In which they got their happily ever after

Authors note: what?? me writing happy fics??? it's so rare but i love them. Also my surgery is in 2 days, so i'll be post all my drafts and requests over the next two days, so while i recover, so you guys have things to read:)

Thinkin' of things to do

Yeah, only the cheapest things left there for you

And the only thing I learned from you is that there's nothing left

To look forward to

I was asleep for days, and now you're the only thing

Keepin' me awake

The calculator will make the same mistakes

Yeah, I see it in its face

Ellie nervously sat under the tree waiting for you. She anxiously looked down at the plastic bag, silently praying that you'd like the snacks she bought.

"I'm sorry I'm late" you said breathing heavily as you ran towards her.

"Your mom was yelling at you again?"

"Yeah" you said as you sat next to her.

"Sometimes I just want to sleep, y'know? Like sleep without her waking me up and yelling" you admitted.

Ellie nodded in understanding because she too was experiencing the same thing.

Nobody understood the two of you like you understood each other.

You met Ellie when you were 14.

You remember she was sitting alone, and she was crying because she didn't have any lunch. You decided to talk to her.

"My mom also forgets to give me lunch money sometimes, but it's ok! I know where we can get something to eat" you said with a soft smile.

And the rest was history.

You and Ellie became inseparable because you both understood each other. You could comfort each other because you knew what the other was going through.

Whenever things were rough at home for you, you always went to Ellie. Or when Ellie need something to eat you'd always take something extra for her.

All you and Ellie were used to, was yelling, and constant fighting. But when you were each other there was none of that.

There was peace and unconditional love.

"Aw Ellie you should have" you said as she opened the bag to show you what she had got for you.

"Anything for you" Ellie muttered.

The two of you sat in a comfortable silence. And Ellie's mind wondered.

You were such a nice person. You didn't deserve the toxic environment you were in.

Both of you didn't.

Silent moments like these with you always made Ellie happy.

She wished she had more time with you.

She wanted to take you away from all pain. From all the yelling, and sleepless nights, she wanted to keep you happy.

There was nothing left here for her. The only thing that kept her going was you.

The light in her darkness.

You felt Ellies eyes burning into the side of your head. You swallowed the gummy worms you had in your mouth as you turned to her, raising an eyebrow you asked "what?"

Ellie went quiet for a while, until she said something you thought you'd never hear her say.

"Let's run away together"

Hold on tight to this time, this place

'Cause everything you know will be erased

You were born inside your head

And that is where you'll be when you are dead

You are just a boy you are no man and

Nobody you know will understand

You are just a boy you are no man and

Nobody you know will understand

"Ellie I can't just leave, my mom will look for me-"

"fuck your fucking mom! She doesn't care, can't you see? If we leave we'll be free, we can live in peace. Please let's go" Ellie sighed in defeat.

If you chose Ellie you would betray your family, if you chose your family you would lose the only person who kept you sane.

"Ellie I cant" you said quietly.

You felt the tears in your eyes.

Was this really good bye?

Ellie got up and she looked at you with sad eyes "I cant force you, but I hope you're happy here"

She started walking away but she suddenly stopped, she looked back at you without any expression.

"I'm leaving tomorrow night, if you change your mind i'll be at the train station"

She left. She left you alone.

You went back home crying.

You'd just lost the only person, who you truly loved.

You were so fucking stupid.

You walked into your house and you immediately heard your mother's nagging voice yelling: "fucking finally, come here! You need to fix the sink"

you ignored her and you dashed to your room, as fast as you possibly could.

You locked the door, and you heard your mother pound against the door.

She was yelling insults at you, as if you didn't have feelings.

She truly deserves the mother of the year award.

After a while, she left and you were finally alone with your thoughts.

Did you make the right decision?

Ellie sat anxiously at the station, she hoped you'd change your mind. That's you'd show up. For your freedom, and safety.

She'd hoped you'd come for her.

She bit her nails waiting for the train to come in, hoping Joel didn't notice she was gone. She heard the sound of the train pull, and with a sigh she got up holding the strap on her backpack in a tight grip.

You weren't going to come. This was it.

"Ellie!"

Her head snapped in the direction of your voice.

There you stood in all your glory holding a bag. There was a grin on your face.

With your bag in hand you ran to Ellie and she ran to you. The two of you met halfway, and Ellie held you in a tight grip.

If she held you any tighter, surely you would suffocate.

"I thought you weren't going to come" Ellie breathed as she still held you.

You pulled away first, and you leaned forward, kissing her.

Ellie didn't kiss you back at first and you almost wanted to pull away and die, but you soon felt her lips move. You felt her smile during the kiss.

As you pulled away you looked at her with a shy smile "I love you Ellie, of course I came"

A grin spread onto the girls face and before she could say anything the locomotive yelled "departure in 2 minutes"

Ellie grabbed your hand, and she rushed onto the train with you.

The two of you sat next to each other, your hands still interlocked.

"I love you too" Ellie finally breathed.

The train started move, and the nerves you and Ellie felt were finally falling away. You would finally be free.

"To our new life together" Ellie said before she brought you in for another kiss.

Welcoming you back home

The only one that you have ever known

Welcoming you back home

The only one that you will ever know

as Ellie opened the front door the smell of a freshly baked pie filled the air.

This was home.

She walked through the threshold of your shared apartment and she practically ran to the kitchen in search of you.

As Ellie entered she saw you standing with your back facing her. You were humming a familiar tune.

She walked towards you, you felt her arms wrap around you as she started singing with you.

This was home.

The two of you were each others safe spaces. Each others homes.

And Ellie hoped for the rest of her life that she would come home to you.

Home doesn't always have to be a place, it's a person too. And you were that person.

Forever and always.

The best decision Ellie made was running away with you, and she had zero regrets.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for bad-mouthing my boyfriend’s toxic family?

(🐈‍⬛ For me to recognize my post later)

I (20f) have a boyfriend (21m) who is physically disabled and still currently living at home with his parents for a while as he tries to scrape his savings together to move in with me. This wouldn’t be an issue, if his parents weren’t immensely transphobic (he’s trans) and outright abusive towards him. Despite having an official doctor’s diagnosis for ALL of his issues, both mental and physical, they just?? Like to pretend that he’s completely able-bodied, and that he’s making up his issues “for attention” (<- something that they’ve actually said to him)

My bf isn’t ready to leave the house just yet because he doesn’t want to feel like a burden and wants to be able to support himself without my help, despite my constant offering and support, but this ofc just means that he’s STAYING in that house, and it’s clear that it effects him really negatively. He’s improved a lot since I’ve met him in high school, but him being in that house is just. Awful for his health, his self esteem, literally everything. I guess I understand his reasonings for not leaving (he’s on his parents’ health insurance, his dad’s a vet so he gets a ton of money off his college bill, he’s got a little sister at home that he doesn’t want to leave alone, etc etc), but at the same time, I fucking HATE his parents, more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. He’s such an amazing guy, but I’ve seen him reduced to panic attacks just on their words alone, and it’s awful and I hate them.

I’m also very vocal with this hate. I tell him all the time. Whenever he vents to me, or mentions something awful that his parents have/had done in passing, or tries to excuse their behavior, I will tell him point-blank that I hate his parents and that he needs to leave. He gets incredibly upset whenever I say stuff like that, however, and has asked me multiple times to quit it, but it’s just so hard to see him loving them so fiercely when they literally only give him the bare minimum in return.

The reason for this post at all is because I started going off on a tangent about two days ago when he managed to escape (he has to ask for permission every time he wants to go out) to my place to destress and have a small date night, and I specifically asked him how his parents had been treating him recently because he’d been pretty quiet about it. He got really quiet and eventually told me that they keep adding really weird stuff to do for his household responsibilities (ex: dusting the UNDERSIDE of tables??) and that they’re now threatening to take away the things he loves (his phone, his books, his DOOR) if he doesn’t keep up with the new workload, which is especially hard because, again, he’s DISABLED. Well this pissed me off, because they’ve done shit like that in the past and it never ends well for him, and I started talking about how much his parents suck and how I wish he would just leave, and he got really quiet and just said “I think I’m just gonna leave now” and just. Left

In the aftermath, I feel awful about it. We’ve texted a few times since then, and he says that he’s okay and that it was fine, and how he just needs to get over it, but it’s very clear that he’s still upset by it and just trying not to make it a big issue. I know that he hates it when I badmouth his parents, but I genuinely do not know any other way to get it into his head that he needs to leave as soon as possible, if only to save his own health. I love him so so much, we’ve been together since high school, we would die for each other, and we’ve been through so much that not very many couples have had to go through, especially not at our age. I sincerely just want the best for him, and this feels like I could open the topic again and try to make him SEE, but I’m just worried that I might have upset him this time in a way that he might not be able to get over.

Sorry for this getting so long, I just feel very strongly about it and I want to know if I’m the AH here and should lay off, or keep trying to make him see that he just needs to get out as soon as possible. So tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[reddpenn]

Honest Question: What's your opinion on Kazuichi Souda? Do you like him? What's your favorite straights ships with him?

Look, let’s be honest. Kazuichi is bisexual and hasn’t realized it yet, and therefore by definition no ships with him are straight ships.

I do think he and Sonia got together during the Despair Era in one glorious, toxic, train wreck of a relationship that made them both miserable. This being the Despair Era, that was the point. It is a relationship that is fascinating to explore in fiction and which I would never wish upon anybody in real life.

Do I like him? Kazuichi is my favorite character in the entire Danganronpa franchise. Maybe because I remember being this kid in high school - smart and bookish and neurodivergent and so socially awkward that I basically went through high school without any friends, and so, so aware of my family’s money problems that I wanted to skip anything that cost anything, and with very little self awareness about when I was being annoying, and… look, I can’t be too hard on this kid. I was this kid. I get it.

But anyway, you've opened up this Pandora's Box and now it's Blorbo Time, so let’s talk about Kazuichi Soda.

Here is what we know about Kazuichi.

This kid is sixteen. Puberty is hitting him hard. He has a lot of big feelings and a lot of hormones and not a lot of experience in what to do about that. He does not have a lot of social awareness. He probably has ADHD, maybe on the autism spectrum, almost certainly undiagnosed.

He has a lot of trouble making friends because of his poor social awareness (again, this kid is neurodivergent and awkward and sixteen).

He is very, very smart. Despite how he dresses, he is a nerdy, bookish kid who likes to study. He dresses like that because he is sick of looking like a nerdy, bookish kid who likes to study. He is sick of people pretending to be his friend so they can copy the nerd’s homework.

He has a lot of trust issues, because he’s used to this pattern of people calling themselves his friends so they could use him. He doesn’t even mind if people use him, what hurts him is the way they drop all pretense of friendship afterward. He would be perfectly happy to let them copy his homework if they were actually friends with him.

He has gotten used to assuming that nobody actually wants to be friends with him.

School is not a safe place, for Kazuichi.

Kazuichi’s family lives in poverty. Their family business is failing. The constant awareness of that eats away at him. He admits to skipping a school trip because his family couldn’t afford it. He has probably skipped other things. He has probably skipped meals, skipped outings with friends, walked when he could have taken public transportation (and not gone anywhere too far away to walk), anything that saves money. This has all contributed to his difficulty making friends.

(This is a problem I relate to so intimately, because I remember being exactly this kid. I watched my family’s small business come crashing down during the early 2000s recession. I remember finding out my parents had filed for bankruptcy. I remember being afraid to buy food at school, because every penny increased my family’s financial burden.)

Kazuichi’s dad hits him for skipping things and “making them look poor.” Kazuichi’s dad has probably hit him for other things. Kazuichi does not register this as abuse. It is normalized, in his household, that sometimes his dad gets too drunk and gives him a smack.

Home is also not a safe place, for Kazuichi.

Look at this childmurder death game from Kazuichi’s perspective.

Kazuichi has never been on a class trip before. He has never been surrounded by friends before. He has never even been to the beach before. He has never been away from his abusive home for this long before. Despite the death game going on in the background, being stranded on a tropical island is the best thing that has ever happened to Kazuichi. He has no desire to escape the island and go home. In his mind… is it really that hard to just ignore the death game and not kill each other and have fun?

It's worth noting that up through chapter 2 of the game, his crush on Sonia is that of a hormonal, socially awkward teenager. He likes her a lot and he’s annoying about it, but thus far she hasn’t given him any signals to stop, and he hasn’t pushed any boundaries or crossed any lines about it. His big sneaky master plan in chapter 2 ends with him flat out telling Sonia, “hey I really want to hang out with you, can we please tag along?” Which is what he probably should have done from the beginning, but he was having a lot of fun hanging out with Hajime and pretending to do espionage.

This entire scene at the diner during chapter 2 is my favorite scene in the game. It’s just the cast of this game being such normal teenagers. They’re hanging out and having fun! They’re making plans to go to the beach! They’re goofing off and teasing each other and being entirely too hormonal about each other’s swimsuits!

And Kazuichi, throughout this scene, is having so much fun. He’s riding the emotional high of being a normal teen with normal friends having a fun time at the beach. He has never gotten to do anything like this before, and it’s awesome.

And then, still riding that emotional high, looking forward to playing at the beach with his friends and his crush... he walks in on a girl with her head bashed in.

I mean... think about the emotional whiplash of that. Put yourself in this sixteen year old kid's shoes and imagine what that does to a person.

Actually, you don't have to imagine. The game shows you. This… breaks Kazuichi. The trauma of this moment is something that, for the rest of the game, he does not ever recover from. This moment marks an immediate, permanent change in how his character is written, the beginning of the downward spiral that makes so much of the fandom hate him.

Let's look at Kazuichi after this moment.

He’s just had a harsh reminder that everyone on this island is trying to kill each other. He was wrong, these people aren’t his friends, so he falls back into old habits. Be useful to them so they’ll keep you around, but do not trust them, because they will betray you. Even Hajime. Especially Hajime. The people who seem closest to you just hurt you the most, in the long run.

He is increasingly on edge, wound up tighter and tighter, waiting to be betrayed. When Nagito mentions to him that Hajime might be the traitor, it feels like the other shoe dropping. Of course Hajime is the traitor, because Hajime was basically his best friend, and betraying you is what best friends do.

And Sonia? The way Kazuichi acts toward Sonia throughout the rest of the game becomes pretty unacceptable, I will not argue against that. I get why people hate him for it. It’s not okay. It really, really sucks for Sonia. It’s also a cry for help which is not really about Sonia.

Kazuichi's obsessive crush on Sonia is a coping mechanism. It is escapism. He is trying to recapture that emotional high. He desperately wants to go back to that moment in the diner when they were all having fun, when this was a normal school trip and they were normal teenagers and he was going to the beach with his friends and Mahiru wasn't lying there with her brains bashed in, in a room covered in blood, and he walked in on it and he set off the body discovery alarm and he ended that sunny, happy, normal afternoon.

This kid is traumatized and trying to cling to normalcy. He is clinging to something that was a part of that moment. Crushing on a girl is normal. He desperately wants normal back.

The school trip is not a safe place, for Kazuichi.

[tinyybookclub]

The 3 Heathens: just the beginning ... (Part 1)

Alot of people hear childhood trauma and think “ wow you were abused as a kid ?” in reality we’re the product of teen pregnancy. We were conditioned by our environment to think that what we witnessed and experienced as children was normal , but thankfully we had a mom who pushed us to want more for ourselves. She put the vision in our head that we could be so much bigger than our struggles and what NYC poverty gave us. Sometimes our parents accidentally traumatize us because they dont have money.. Or they made bad decisions as a teenager.. Which definitely was the case with my mom. Her name is Christina but she ONLY goes by Tina.  ( I don't even think anyone knows my moms government name for real.) She's about 5’7 and 130 pounds , yellow as the sun , with the hottest pixie on the block. I remember dudes making Halle Berry references trying to spit game and getting brutally ignored by my mom as a kid. She always attracted a lot of attention, from both genders.. People always were inspired or influenced by my mom no matter what we went through. She grew up on the East side of Harlem raised in a middle class household as an only child.  She tells us stories about how she was a troubled teen who made her life hard all on her own by rebelling; she never once blamed her mother. My mom had my oldest brother Jared when she was 15, he’s a product of rape and my mothers good morals. He was diagnosed with autism at the age of 7. Our mom was super strict about education despite what other obstacles we went through, so Jareds regression was a dead giveaway in second grade when all of a sudden all the social skills our mother drilled in our head slowly dissipated. My twin brother Ryland and I made a pact to always protect Jared, and that we did. It got so bad in grade school they separated our schools and my mom started calling us “ The 3 Heathens”. We’re from NYC, a place where most don’t make it out. We’ve all seen a lot of crazy shit growing up and the majority of it was inside of our own home at the hands of our own father. We didn't have a mom who would necessarily neglect us and now that I’m older I understand that she had us young and was learning as she was parenting. Eventually she realized trying to keep idolizing this unrealistic idea of family with a man who was toxic to the environment and everything around him wasn't ever going to work. So no matter what trauma we’ve faced I always remind everyone she did the best she could with us, although there's times I wish she was stronger because by time she realized the ways she was  failing us .. it was too late. Too late as in , there's already trauma, broken trust and constant let downs.

As kids though, I feel like we always tried  to make the best of everything. My mom was the type of person who could decorate a whole house with dollar tree shit. It didn't matter what holiday or what her money was looking like she made sure to try and create traditions with us. My brothers and I had the craziest imaginations that would turn the NYC jungle to a magical playground and all she did was encourage us to stay innocent.  We always spent time outside in parks, riding trains, traveling tristate on the metro north,  sitting in front of buildings or simply running errands and making 1000 trips to welfare. I didn't realize until I got older that my mom only kept us out because we were living in a shelter and she wanted us to experience more than blatant poverty. That was one of the funniest things about my mom Tina . She was the bougiest welfare queen, hiding her food stamp card in stores as if she was embarrassed. That's how I knew she wanted better for us. She always said “ We will never LOOK like what we’re going through.” So we didn't. If she had to work until the sun came up she would if it meant providing. My grandma always said she had the work ethic of a man. She knew what life she wanted and she was willing to go to the ends of the earth to give it to us. Even if it meant us spending weekends with my grandma while she worked.  My grandma was there for us a lot, but by the time we were born my grandma was older. My grandma is an older lady named Treena who couldn't have children and adopted my mom when she was 40, so hopefully that gives you perspective. She helped us the best she could and my mom helped her the best she could until our grandma Treena passed away when we were 9. After that life really sucked. It broke my mom and life went downhill.

(Part 2/3 posted ✨💗)

[inbarfink]

It’s really heartbreaking to see how in ‘Transport’, Yellow Guy is really upset at Red’s desire to Leave - and it seems to be primarily motivated by a feeling that hating their Current Situation also means that he hates Yellow Guy and being around him.

Duck: He said he hates this place. Yellow Guy: And that he hates the clipboard and he hates me!

Cause I mean, first things first, to me it’s clear that no matter how bumpy and toxic the trio’s relationship can get at times, and no matter how tired Red Guy is of the others’ shit - he does honestly care for them. There’s a reason why he drags Duck and Yellow Guy along on his escape attempt. He dreams about them having separate things and living in separate homes, but he still wants them to be neighbors.

Even if he wasn’t forced to, he would still want these two to be a part of his life.

And that’s kind of the main thing, you know? I think that the main cause for the problems and interpersonal conflicts within the Three of Them is their Horrible Actual Nightmare Living Situation. Yellow Guy might think that’s the thing that’s keeping them together, but it’s actually the thing pulling them apart.

I mean we’ve all heard stories about families and friends and roommates during the height of the Lockdowns whose relationships became strained or straight-up fell apart. Cause, well, it’s one thing to like someone under normal circumstances where you can be apart for a while and they’re just one person in a whole network of loved ones. And it’s a whole other thing to be stuck in your home with someone - all day, every day - while doing nothing but Experiencing the Horrors for an indefinite period of time. That sort of thing can really put a strain on even the most loving relationships. 

And that’s without taking into account the trio being under constant surveillance, or the fact their ‘Lockdown’ is probably going on for a lot longer than a lot of real-life proper Lockdowns, or the fact that they don’t even understand why they are trapped the way there are, or the fact they really, really have no one else to interact with but each other. 

Like, the only ‘outsiders’ who come to their home are Teachers. Who interact with them for the purpose of educating them (and maybe some other, darker ulterior motive) and generally disappear once their Lesson is over. There’s no other friends they can call on the phone or chat online with. They have one day a year they can use a computer and the internet. They can’t even take a break to be alone in their rooms because they don’t have their own stuff. They basically have to share everything but, like, beds and individual chairs. No wonder they keep driving each other mad.

That scene at the end of ‘Friendship’ is hilarious and dark and darkly hilarious. And, like, there’s a lot to be said about Red Guy and Duck’s routine mistreatment of Yellow Guy and his growing frustrations about it, and the division of labor in the household, and Duck’s selfish entitlement and Red’s anger issues - all of these issues would still be present, but that argument probably wouldn’t have escalated to the level that it did if the gang was just able to use a computer more than once a year. 

[themomsandthecity]

Why I've Never Allowed the Fear of Being a Single Mom Keep Me in a Toxic Relationship

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to love and relationships. We all walk different paths, and what works for one person may not work for another. Although I was in long-term, committed relationships in high school and into my early 20s, I never thought I would become a mother. If someone told my 21-year-old self that by 47 I'd be a mother of three to a teenager and 6-year-old twins, I'd think they were joking. From a young age, I was focused on making my dreams come true. I wanted to be a successful writer and singer, and I knew I wanted to go to college and be among the first in my family to get a higher education. Being in a loving relationship was something I always wanted, and still do, but motherhood was not on my radar at all. So, when I found out I was pregnant at 29, I was shocked yet ultimately accepting of this new journey I was about to embark upon. As a child of divorced parents, I knew I wanted nothing more than to provide my children with a family. As a child of divorced parents, I knew I wanted nothing more than to provide my children with a family. Having both parents in the household was extremely important to me. So, when that didn't work out, I beat myself up over it for a long time, condemning myself for not working harder to find a solution. I blamed myself for creating trauma in my daughter's life by leaving a toxic relationship. But what helped me finally leave was remembering how my mother walked away from an abusive marriage. And although it was not easy, she managed to raise me and my sisters alone. It was not the ideal situation, but it created a foundation by which I could pick up and create a better home environment and circumstances for me and my beautiful little girl. She was 4 when I left. For a few years, it was just her and me, and I can say those were some of the best years of my life. Just me and my girl, exploring New York City. She's an artist like me, so museums, concerts, and Broadway shows were our thing. Even though she was so young, she was extremely intelligent and articulate - and this time in my life was about focusing on being the best mother and provider I could be for her. I wanted her to know that she deserved the best love in the world from me and one day from a romantic partner, but that a committed relationship didn't have to be the focus of her life. She was the star of her own story and I wanted her to write the chapters of her life in her own unique and colorful way. As we settled into our happy and peaceful life, I came upon love again, and this time I was convinced from our first date that I had met the one. Because I was a single mother, I didn't know how that would fit into his single life, but somehow it worked and my daughter loved him, too. It was perfect. We had our challenges but were happy for the most part, and soon we welcomed twins - a beautiful boy and a girl. I was 41. A few years after the twins were born, the relationship became rocky. Then the pandemic swooped in and caused even more friction. It was so hard and I wanted nothing more than to get past the struggles and find happiness again with our family intact. In Latine culture especially, mothers are always told to work it out. We are constantly reminded that every relationship has its difficulties and that if you're willing to face them, things will eventually improve. In Latine culture especially, mothers are always told to work it out. We are constantly reminded that every relationship has its difficulties and that if you're willing to face them, things will eventually improve. But after feeling I'd explored every way to heal our family dynamic, I made peace with separating because I knew firsthand what it's like as a child living in an environment where there's constant tension, disagreements, anger, and negativity. I didn't feel the societal pressure to stay in a relationship no matter what for the sake of the children. For me, it was more about not hurting my… https://www.popsugar.com/family/single-mom-toxic-relationship-49332839?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[sadcloudclub]

life happens for you, never to you

I have a nature of “running” away. Yes, I’ve ran away as a teen before, literally. But I’m referring to the “abandon your entire life and go elsewhere” thinking my problems would stay at my last residence. HA. I was so wrong.

I’m not sure I can talk on home or stability because those two things are foreign to me. Despite a very toxic household growing up, on my 13th birthday (wow, the Death card in Tarot just came to mind. Wow.) I pretty much lost everything except the clothes on my back. I’m talking family, sense of normalcy, my toys, house, clothes, etc. It shook me to the core and I was extremely confused. That event forever set my life into an insecure and unstable rollercoaster.

Here I am twice as many years later and finally coming to the conclusion that I need to break this pattern. The pattern of “loss”. I cycle more than a goddamn bike. It’s tiresome and I’m not getting ripped leg muscles from it, so it’s a lose-lose situation. The pattern typically goes: I am able to get a job, take care of my self and build on that. Maybe I get a new place to live, so I’m independent and feeling oh so good! Finances are good, I’m up to date on all payments, and I’m able to treat my self now and again. Of course during all these trials, I am working a job aka under someone else. But regardless I am doing well and feeling hopeful for my future.

Now y’all, bare with me as I’m still unraveling and dissecting this part of me. Trauma comes in layers, like a Tiramisu (just not as sweet). For a few months, sometimes up to a year, I will feel great and all seems wonderful. Somewhere in there, I get triggered. Looking back, maybe I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, maybe I’ve grown tired of answering to someone who doesn’t give a shit about me. Either way, I feel this life is unbearable and without warning I drop. Faint. Collapse. However you want to put it, I quit every thing, entirely, all at once. And yes, I quit my job, terminate my lease (not cheap, and I do not recommend). Pretty much, I abandon ship. (I don’t even like boats.)

This has been a cycle for over 14 years. I’ve moved over 11 times in the past 14 years. To different states across the country. I’ve worked a plethora of jobs from food industry to retail. This constant uprooting leaves me feeling unsafe, as if nothing will last for me. I’m still attempting to retire the idea of “what’s the point” that rings in my head now and again. It felt like no matter where I went, no matter what I did, nothing was mine. No house could be a home. No job could be a career. No friendships would be long term. I felt so alone and lost. Why have me on this planet to feel so hopeless?

This most recent time was like age 13 but on steroids. It’s different losing everything with people, but to lose it all by yourself- to go through that all by yourself. It’s devastating. My closest friend is a state away. My hometown is over 1,000 miles away. When I say “I’m out here” I really do mean that.

I was working what seemed like a promising job but it was getting too toxic. Long story short, they expedited my two weeks (out of retaliation if we’re being 100% honest). Right before then, literally a month before, my car was stolen and totaled. I was living in uninhabitable living conditions that apparently is not a concern to anyone except me. I felt very stuck. My entire world came crashing down on me again. Except this time, I didn’t have a relative I could stay with. I didn’t even have a car to go get groceries with. It was the most trying time and I didn’t want to live anymore (another cycle).

Everyone seemed to flee and no one could help me. There was also the guilt of my situation and me not knowing how to escape it. I had to let my walls down to get support because this felt greater than me. And though I received some help, it still was excruciating. I, too, had to set boundaries/cut off some people due to them projecting my fears back to me. I was already in a delicate headspace but having someone you’re looking to for support say “that won’t work out for you” is a no-go, homie.

During this time of struggle, I said I need to do something to prevent this. You know, when you look yourself in the mirror and say “I can’t keep living like this, I can’t.” (High Fashion x Roddy Ricch). I do not ever want to be in this position again. But in order to end a cycle, you have to recognize why it is repeating. What did I do? The only thing I could- sit with this shit.

I meditated heavily, twice a day for around an hour. I made my self a schedule. I drank tea and journaled about every thing. I talked to my self, out loud. I pulled tarot cards and prayed for guidance. Affirmations became a ritual every morning and as I feel asleep. Losing every thing I had caused me to lose my sense of self. Who am I when my entire identity is stripped away? I can’t look outside my self and expect to receive that answer, because the external is a reflection of my internal. On some “as above, so below; as within, so without” shit.

I realized a few things. One: I don’t want to spend another fucking second working for someone else. Two: I can have the absolute best of the best. I deserve all that good shit. And three: The only thing cock-blocking me from my success is me. No one else matters. With these realizations, I vowed to my self that I’m going to replenish all that I lost but in a more fulfilling way. It’s like clearing house to make room for the upgrades. Think 5 of Cups energy- not all is lost. Because even though my reality was annihilated, my soul desires were able to shine through. I can see now, looking back, that none of that shit- not the job, the car, the people I was surrounding my self with- were in alignment for my higher good. I do believe every soul I cross holds a lesson for me to learn.

It’s been a rigid, bumpy ass ride to where I’m currently at. Shit, might even have whiplash if I’m keeping it real. But I know that how I feel should always prevail over what an external force suggests. At the end of my life, no one will be dying with me. No one will be looking back at my life and regretting the opportunities I missed. I ain’t taking that to the grave, I will not shrink for anyone. I know I am fully capable of achieving every thing I dream of. So if you’ve been stuck/hopeless lately, and if you’ve been drowning in losses- remember that there’s a lesson in this. Breathe, breathe, breathe. A loss is a redirection, which you most likely will not see at the time. You matter and without you here, the whole earth could be thrown off it’s orbit. So hang the fuck in there because we need you.

[mybitchingandmoaningsafespace]

28 years ago two humans decided to fuck in an old Ford Ranger. Around 9 months later, yours truely escaped the womb. Those two humans decided they hated eachother and I became a pawn in their game. Through all of my life my paternal grandparents have been a constant. I could almost give them credit for raising me. My grandmother passed when I was 12 or 13, and took my world with her. Now, my bond with my grandfather is the strongest bond I have with anyone in my life.

My parents seperated when I was two, a few years later their divorce was finalized. My mother got remarried to a man she met when he was about to go into a diabetic coma. He had 3 daughters from two different women and my mother took over their parenting. These girls sexually abused me, but I was too young to understand at the time, all I knew was I wanted to be accepted by them. Eventually,my nother divorced this man, as he was cheating on her. She had several boyfriends and was known in the town for her promiscuity. Several years ago she married ny current step father, who has been an absolute blessing. I got a new step sister, who I get along greatly with. My father went on to remarry a wicked witch, who made life a living hell. My father took her side, no matter how emotinally and mentally abusive she became. When I was 10, they had a child together who I raised more than they did. I continue to love that child with all my heart. The relationship between myself and my father and stepmother was always tense and my mother was my rock. At 13, I said I'd rather be dead than go back to my fathers house and was put in a psych ward for attempted suicide. During my stay there, was the first time I found myself attracted to a female. At 15, I found my first love. A boy who was just as damaged as I was. We damaged eachother even more with our on again off again dating and toxic behaviors. At 16, I had my first lesbian experience with my best friend. At 17, I was sexually assaulted by a guy my best friend was pining for. I lost my best friend and a part of myself all in one night At 18, I quit splitting my time between my mother and fathers households and ran away to stay with my mother full time. I was finally able to get enough distance to stop running back to the toxic relationship that had carried me through my teenage years. Life was finally looking up. I did a lot of soul searching and working on deciding the person I wanted to become. This meant coming to grips with parts of my past that werent pretty. Eventually, I started to rebuild my relationship with my father. My mother, who was once my best friend, became my enemy. We didnt have a common enemy anymore, so I became the person she hated. When I moved out to move in with my husband, she turned her anger on my stepfather-who does not deserve the treatment he gets, but refuses to leave her.

At 20, I feel in love with a new man. I was ready to give my heart to him. But he was still stuck on his old relationship. In a series of painful events, we split ways, and I met my now husband. We came up with great plans for our life, until life got in the way. At 24, I started to gain a lot of weight and get very sick. At 25, I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease and Cushings Disease. At 26, they removed a tumor from my pituitary gland in the hopes it would fix the Cushings. During all of this, I was struggling to hold down a job. My husband was trying to be helpful and supportive, but due to his own trauma, really didnt (and doesnt) know how. Although, we signed up for eternity, through sickness and health, neither of us planned on this.

Currently, life is a struggle as I am having issues with my health and my job again. Finances are shit, our home is falling apart around us, and everyday is another balancing.

This page is just going to be my bitchfest page, a diary of sorts. Maybe one day, Ill show it to my therapist and save us both some time.

If you have nothing kind or supportive to say, scroll on.

[justkenz]

Hi, i live in a explosive toxic household (not overselling a bit) and i'll be going to college a few months later but before that i've got to complete my exam with highest of marks to get the college i want. what i'm asking is how do i keep it all together and get better marks simultaneously while living wih them. ? (and no i can't leave before college, i can't leave home without one parent accompanying me no matter where it is and then there's common toxic stuff they do like gaslighting, shouting like crazy, constant comparing with other people, etc)

Hi! I'm really sorry you are in that kind of environment 🤍

Headphones, to try and drown out some of the background noise, and if you don't feel like you can have both in, then even just one to try and help your brain concentrate. Maybe you could try studying at your school library? Not sure if that is possible for you.

Honestly, just try to remember that soon you'll be able to be out of that house to start college, and right now you just have to keep your head down and get through your exams.

I am really sorry, I wish I had more ideas for you. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, and I think you will do great on your exams.🤍

[holdinbacksecrets]

hiya :D i love your writing so much and think everything you put out is absolutely romantic and beautiful <3 <3 I was wondering if you could do one where the tannies are supporting their S/O who lives or used to live in an emotionally abusive/exhausting household?

hello! thank you so much!

tw: talks of emotional abuse / dealing with emotionally abusive households. no heavily detailed experiences of emotional abuse though

namjoon: you grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and the impacts of that made it hard to imagine a romantic relationship. for years you’ve been going to therapy, and you never dreamed of asking him to join you, but he offered. he wanted to be and do the best he could in order to help you navigate your relationship, take it at your own pace, but also accept the inevitable challenges.

jin: he has a hard time adjusting to the news and worried about saying anything to possibly trigger you. he may become slightly cautious or reserved. you have to reassure jin and promise that all you want is for him to be himself. “i trust you. please, trust yourself too.”

yoongi: as soon as he found out he came to your apartment and packed your things himself. there was absolutely no way he was letting you stay in an unhealthy living environment. “at least stay the night tonight, and we can talk about different options in the morning, ok? i want to know you’re safe… i want you to know you’re safe. anything i can do to help you, i will”

hoseok: when he asks you to move in with him, you threw up in the kitchen sink. it hadn’t even been a year since you began living on your own, and you were not far enough removed from the situation or felt healed enough from the trauma to imagine living with anyone yet, even if it was your lovely boyfriend. sadly, your strong reaction made him feel absolutely horrible, expecting a break up to be inevitable, but you were honest. he was understanding and touched you felt comfortable enough to share your story with him. for now, the two of you were sticking to sleepovers, and you felt a weight fizzle away knowing something that had been giving you anxiety is out in the open

jimin: he noticed something slightly off when he joined you for a dinner out with your roommates. your whole demeanor shifted as soon as you spotted the group at their table. you squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. he was lovely and charming throughout the meal but easily noticed how difficult it was for you. he didn’t want to bring it up too soon, but started inviting you over to spend the night more regularly. one evening, he finally asked what was going on, and you shared the constant criticism your roommates subjected you to, along with their inability to keep up with any household chores or extend any common curtesy, leaving you exhausted in uneasy. he was happy to listen, offer advice, and assure you his home was yours to- could be yours if you wanted to move in.

taehyung: he felt anger towards the people who hurt you, but it came out in waves of confusion. he had no idea, and he felt so guilty because he wondered if he missed something… if he didn’t know you as well as he thought he did. you explained that this has been something you’ve become far too good at hiding, but he’s the only person you’ve felt comfortable enough to share all the details with.

jungkook: he cried the night you told him about your past and the toxic dynamic you spent years living in. it resulted in experiencing a constant agitation- a state of restlessness, focused on keeping yourself safe, so it was going to take you a bit of time for your mind to catch up with your body: to realize being with him is safe. that his love is sweet and sincere. and all he asks of you is to be communicative with him if you’re ever uncomfortable. he understands it may be challenging for you to do, so he buys you a little pack of sticky notes in case it’s hard to verbalize something you know needs to be said / shared

[anexperimentallife]

Man, as an undiagnosed Autistic/ADHD kid growing up pre-internet around a lot of ultra-far-right, ultra-religious folks, I KNEW I was different, and assumed that meant I was wrong, and that I’d better adopt the positions and behaviors of those around me if I wanted to be “normal” and accepted.

From the time I was able to speak, any time I expressed my true thoughts and feelings, I was either laughed at, angrily told I was wrong, ridiculed, or bullied. And if everyone around me agreed on things that I didn’t believe, I MUST have been the one who was wrong, right? So I developed some truly horrible takes and behaviors by mimicking the people everyone else seemed to look up to, in an effort to appear "normal."

Of course, I also had it drilled into me from an early age that unless I forced myself to believe in things I didn’t, that I would spend eternity being tortured in the Hell I no longer believe in. Not sexist or homophobic enough? You’re going to burn in Hell. Did you even THINK about sex or IMAGINE a naked girl outside of wedlock? Going to Hell if you get hit by a bus before begging forgiveness. Think evolution makes sense? Hell. Don’t believe strongly enough in every word of the Bible, or don’t take the parts literally that the Powers That Be have decided are to be taken literally? Hell. Take the parts literally that the Powers That Be have decided are to be ignored? Hell. If you have a girlfriend or get married, and, as a man, don’t take charge of and dominate your relationship or household enough? Free ticket to Hell (and also you’re not a “real man”).

Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but when it’s drilled into you from an early age, it’s hard to break away from. I don’t know if all of it was what they were TRYING to teach, but it’s what I learned from them.

Then add in all the toxic masculinity of the far right, and you’ve got a truly horrible package of crap. Like, imagine every horrible ultra-far-right and downright out-of-touch-with-reality evangelical, and toxic-masculinity tweet you’ve ever seen, and that was what was shoved down my throat my entire childhood and young adulthood as The Only True And Correct Way Of Thinking And Behaving.

And again, no Internet, no real exposure to other types of thought for the most part, and when I DID meet someone who thought differently, they were a Bad Influence, who wanted to Tempt Me Away From Righteousness.

And again, deviating from any of that--even THINKING in contradiction to any of it--was punishable by an eternity of torture in Hell. God was always watching, always judging, and anything less that perfect holiness in thought, belief, and action meant I would spend eternity in Hell.

But I couldn’t STOP thinking it all seemed wrong--especially when I started finding and reading books with alternate views--so I lived in a state of constant terror, because no matter how much I pretended and tried to force myself to believe, I doubted everything I had been taught.

And again, was I supposed to take it all literally? I don’t know. But my autistic brain took it at face value. Hell awaited if I wasn’t a perfect enough Christian.

I remember how any time I came home from school to an empty house, I was terrified that the Rapture had happened, and that I wasn’t pure enough to be taken up with everyone else.

If you didn’t grow up like that, I don’t know if you can understand just how traumatizing it can be, especially for a neurodivergent kid who already knows they’re Not Like Everyone Else, and who is desperate to be what literally everyone in their in-group tells you is The Right Kind Of Person.

Eventually I rejected all that, but after literally decades of masking, outwardly adopting a lot of attitudes I didn’t agree with, trying to force myself to believe things I didn’t, and mimicking what I now understand were shitty behaviors (because of being constantly told, “that’s how a man is supposed to act”), although I knew who I didn’t want to be, I didn’t actually know who I was, who I wanted to be, or how to become that person.

And even after I rejected most of that, a lot of the toxic masculinity remained. I quit college and joined the Army at eighteen for several reasons, but one of those reasons was to prove myself “manly.” I cannot even begin to describe the degree of toxic masculinity and far right nationalism in the Army at the time (Maybe it has changed in the past forty years), but spending my late teens and early twenties there just reinforced a lot of what I’d been taught growing up.

It was only later, after I completely rejected religion and much of the other stuff I’d been taught growing up that a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. But it’s a long-ass tunnel, and I’m still going through it.

I was fortunate enough to make some friends who challenged me on a lot of that stuff, who in some cases recommended learning resources, and who were patient with me while I worked through figuring out what I really felt and believed. And it made a huge difference.

Tumblr has also been a great resource for me to correct some of my decades of conditioning--I say conditioning, but maybe brainwashing is a better word. There are a lot of shitty takes on here, sure, but also a lot that have caused me to reevaluate myself as a person and make conscious changes to myself and my belief system over the past few years. Mostly from younger people, because let’s face it; most of my generation has stuck with the sexist, nationalistic, transphobic, racist, pro-capitalist ways of thinking they learned in their youth.

I’ve come a long way from the person that I was--I’m embarrassed to even mention some of the behaviors I used to think were okay because people around me made it seem like those behaviors were expected and admired--but I’m sure I still have some bad takes I don’t even recognize as bad yet, and that I’m going to work on.

The worst part is knowing how many other people I hurt with my toxicity.

I feel like I’m in a constant state of deprogramming myself. It’s exhausting.

[localcactushugger]

Does anyone else ever get sad thinking about the abuse Hawks went through as a kid? Because I keep making myself sad thinking about it.

It's so many different kinds of fucked up that just mixed together and created one huge toxic environment.

#1) The physical abuse.

Right off the bat, Chapter 299 starts with Keigo getting hit by his father for leaving the house. It doesn't actually show Keigo being smacked, instead it shows a panel of their "home". (although it's extremely small and looks more like a broken down shack in a field to me)

But the sound of the "smak" is very much punctuated in the panel, followed by Keigo hunched over with marks on his face:

The marks on his face are prevalent. Even in the smaller panel, Keigo still has a very obvious bruise under his eye and above his eyebrow.

THEN he gets kicked in the side/stomped on for "turning his back" on his father?? (Aka doing nothing. Literally what did he do?? Wtf?):

He's getting smacked and kicked around, but instead of crying or getting upset he just endures. Which brings me to:

#2) The Emotional and verbal abuse. (Strap in cause there's a lot of it.)

Keigo apologizes after his father kicks him for no reason, then he curls up into a ball, clings to his Endeavor plushy, and listens as his own father rants about how much he wishes that Keigo was never born.

^^^^^^^ LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID ASSHOLE. HE'S LITERALLY CLINGING TO HIS PLUSHY FOR COMFORT!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE HUGGING HIM??? CAN I HUG HIM??

Keigo says that he knew his parents were broken, so he endured because he wanted to avoid their fate.

Basically: "I know my parents are broken, but need to endure because I don't want to become broken too."

That's a horrible mindset for a child to have?? He's basically saying that he just needs to take the abuse and hope that he doesn't break because of it?

And I don't know how he wouldn't break from it with the way his parents talk to him, and all the horrible things they say:

The constant screaming/yelling. Like Shit.

"Don't do a damn thing!" " Who did you sell me out too?? You can't fool me!!" "Don't leave this house!" "Don't you dare lie to me!!" "Don't go talking to anyone!!" "You thought you'd get away with it didn't you??"

"How many times have I told you not to turn your back on me??"

"If only that punk was never born I'd be free."

"Why were you even born?" "Why do you even have those wings?"

He's gotten it from both parents. And every time it happens he just hugs his plushy a little tighter.

#3) The neglect.

In pretty much all panels of Keigo's home theres Trash everywhere. If you go back and look at the house there isn't a single panel without some kind of trash in the frame. I see beer bottles, wine bottles, wooden planks, trash bags, newspapers, dirty rags, dirty laundry hanging from the wall & hangers, floor boards coming up, leaks from the top of the walls.

The "house" is barely holding together as it is. It looks like it's about to collapse, and the inside makes you think a tornado ran through it. Nobody is bothering to clean up the mess. In fact the only person who seems to be patching up the house is Keigo. This seems to be a routine for him since he can be seen picking up a wooden plank to fix the wall. Too bad his father kicked him before he could repair the hole 🙃.

Seriously does the "house" even have running water? The windows are broken the walls are made of tin roofing tiles. Does it even have heating or insulation? It's obviously not suitable for a child. I'd be afraid that the roof was gonna fall on me while I was sleeping.

I understand they can't buy a proper home. But it wouldn't be so bad if someone acutely bothered to clean the inside a bit. At least maintain the house so your kid doesn't step on a nail, or glass from a beer bottle. IF A CHILD CAN PATCH UP A WALL SO CAN YOU. WHY IS KEIGO DOING ALL THE WORK?

You people are gonna get rats and bugs. (If you dont have them invading your "house" already)

And that's only the house.

What about Keigo? He doesn't even have shoes. His shirt is torn at the seams. And his parents didn't even notice when he left? Keigo's dad yelled at him for leaving the house and going outside, but was anyone even watching him in the first place? How does your child leave the house and make it halfway to the city before you notice? This little bird looks like he weighs 5 pounds! He's gonna get kidnapped!!

His mom is obviously unstable and she stares at the wall all day. And his dad hates him for existing. So I guess no one was watching him?

His mom also doesn't really seem to care when Keigo gets yelled at, hit, and kicked either. She just kinda stares at the wall. Then when her and Keigo become homeless and start living in a train station she guilt trips him into stealing for her. Like Really??

HE GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT TOO! You sent your child out to steal for you and he literally got into a car accident. He managed to save everyone involved but still, are trying to get your son hit by a truck? This is why I have so many mixed feelings about Tomie.

#4) Being held hostage in his own home.

This one is self explanatory. Keigo got hit in the face just for going outside. He was held hostage in his home for so long that he didn't even know heroes existed. And this is a society where heroes are everywhere. I'm sure it was a lonely childhood, kinda hard to make childhood friends when you get beaten just for leaving the house.

#5) Whatever the fuck "rough training" was.

I know we haven't seen Keigos "rough" training yet. Horikoshi only went into a little bit of detail about it when he mentioned that the commission taught Hawks negotiation skills as a kid. And then theres that one image in the Season 4 outro where Keigo has a blindfold on as a child during training.

But I still would like to know more.

Why would you put a child through "rough" training, strip him of his name, and tell him it's all because he's gonna become a "special hero" right after you've pulled him out of an extremely abusive situation. Like, you aren't gonna wait a bit? Preferably until he's a teenager? Not gonna give him therapy or something?

Isn't pulling a child out of an abusive situation and putting them through "rough training" kinda like transfering them from one abusive household to another?

LET THE BOY REST! LET THE KID BE A KID. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHILDHOOD AND HE'S ALREADY MISSED OUT ON MOST OF HIS!!

The training can wait.

If you want help him and support his family, do it out of the kindness of your heart and not because you think he'd be a useful hero.

I honestly don't know how this "training" went for Keigo, but considering that he doesn't currently have the best relationship with the HPCS . . . Well I don't know. All I know is that he never really seems too happy around people from the commission. He doesn't seem to agree with any of their ideologies either.

Honestly I just want him to find peace!

Based on what we've seen so far, (*cough* especially from the Todoroki family *cough*) you really shouldn't be training a child to become a hero in the first place. The training can start as a teenager if someone chooses to train.

Look at the way you massacred my boy! Give the kid a break for fucks sake!!

And these are just the early years. Don't get me started on everything else ✋🙄

[sg-marshall]

sims 4 trait legacy challenge

Overview:

This is a ten generation legacy challenge based on some characteristics people can possess. Each generation will be based upon a new trait. The style and gender of the generation is completely up to you (I usually play as women but gender does not matter in this challenge)! Complete all goals before focusing on the next generation. Some may play onto each other, so be sure to look ahead before moving forward! I created an adapted version for people who do not have the packs I used listed below the challenge. I wanted to make sure everyone could play and not feel left out!

Rules:

No cheats or mods!

Start off with $20,000 and a build a house wherever you want one.

Complete all six goals for every generation before moving onto the next one.

Complete the full aspiration and reach level 10 in the set career.

There is no rules when it comes to aging up but I suggest waiting until it is their set birthday.

Play on normal life span.

Packs Used: Base Game, Discovery University, Seasons, City Living, Get to Work, Cats and Dogs, Parenthood, Spa Day, and Knifty Knitting

Generation One: Responsibility

You are a very old fashioned person who believes things have a certain way of being done. Every object in your house has a set place, the person you marry you are supposed to stay with forever, and the world should be a clean place to live in. Never once have you strayed away from your beliefs and you’ve always lived your life by the book. Even once your partner dies and you are left with a child who cannot handle their passing, you stay true to your morals. (EDIT: I have been playing this challenge myself and found that the final level of the aspiration said “have a child master a career”. I do not know if you have to be in the household for that, but if you do, just add this generation to the household of the next one before they master it. It is also okay if you want to ignore/cheat this part.)

Traits: Neat, Good, Green Fiend

Aspiration: Successful Lineage

Career: Education (Administrator Branch)

Goals:

Max charisma skill.

Max research and debate skill.

Be married as a young adult, but have your partner die (do not tell your child how) once they reach adult hood. Never remarry.

Have only one child with your partner.

Complete the snowglobes collection and have them set up in a specific room in your house.

Make your neighborhood green and keep it that way.

Generation Two: Determined

You’ve always struggled to cope with the death of your father/mother ever. Maybe that's because you never really knew why they died in the first place. Left with too many questions to handle, you destroy your relationship with your friends and family and run away to find some answers. This entails a trip to Sixam, where you can finally wrap ahead around the passing of you mom/dad. You decide to come home just in time to see your mom/dad just before they too pass away. After a heart-breaking conversation, you realize that all the secrecy was for the best.

Traits: Gloomy, Ambitious, Loner

Aspiration: Nerd Brain

Career: Astronaut (Interstellar Smuggler Branch)

Goals:

Max rocket science skill.

Max mischief skill.

Build a rocket ship and fly to Sixam.

Run away and live on your own as a teenager. 

Have a horrible relationship with your mom/dad as a young adult, but become best friends with them before they pass away.

Complete the microscope prints collection.

Generation Three: Loving

Your mother/father was extremely distant growing up, which caused you to rely on friends as your family. Your childhood best friend has been with you every step of the way, and you ended up fell in love with them. All you wanted to do was be a mother/father, but found out you could never have children. You adopt a child as a baby and raise them as your own, teaching them everything you wish your parents did for you.

Traits: Romantic, Family - Oriented, Foodie

Aspiration: Soulmate

Career: Babysitter (Teenager), None (Young Adult and older)

Goals:

Max parenting skill.

Max wellness skill.

Marry your childhood best friend.

Adopt a baby after you get married.

Teach your toddler to max all skills.

Have a side passion of knitting.

Generation Four: Intelligence

You grew up incredibly smart with no knowledge of who your real parents were. However, that never mattered to you. Your adoptive parents have made it their life goal to advance your gifts in every way they know how. Late nights of helping you with homework, early mornings of finishing projects, and spending their fortunes to enroll you into the college of your dreams. All you wanted to do was repay them by becoming a world renowned journalist. You dedicate your best-sellers to them because, after all, they’ll always be your biggest fan.

Traits: Genius, Bookworm, Unflirty

Aspiration: Academic

Career: Writer (Journalist Branch)

Goals:

Max logic skill.

Max writing skill. 

Reach level eight in five other skills of your choice.

Go to the University of  Britechester and study Language and Literature (distinguished).

Join the Debate Guild and reach the highest rank.

Write five novels.

Generation Five: Hard - Working

Fashion has been your passion since you were a little girl/boy. You even asked your parents to stop dressing you as a toddler because the clothes they picked were “not stylish enough.” As a self-proclaimed style icon, you knew you had to make your biggest dream come true: to create your own fashion line. So, as soon as you graduated high school, you packed your bags and moved to the big city - San-Myshuno. There you created your social media platform and blew up! A normal life was never your style, and you made sure to put in as many hours as it would take to achieve all you ever wanted.

Traits: Perfectionist, Self - Assured, Materialistic

Aspiration: City Native

Career: Style Influencer (Stylist Branch)

Goals:

Max photography skill.

Max painting skill.

Must live in San-Myshuno.

Complete the crystals collection.

Hire a nanny for your child and do not spend much time with them.

Gain 10,000 followers on Simstagram.

Generation Six: Resilience

After being known as “the child of the most famous fashion designer” all your life, the city became a toxic place for you. You hated the loud noises, constant stream of people, and just wanted to live a quiet life. You loved visiting your grandmother/father’s house and hearing one of her/his famous stories. You decided to pull inspiration from one of their novels and live off by the coast in the adorable Brindleton Bay. Your passion for crafting and living off the land inspired you to start a small business selling your candles and juice - all locally grown of course. 

Traits: Loves Outdoors, Maker, Creative

Aspiration: Master Maker

Career: Freelancer (Simply Crafted)

Goals:

Max fabrication skill.

Reach level eight in both candle making and juice fizzing.

Move to Brindleton Bay as a young adult.

Have four or more kids.

Complete the frog collection.

Never go to an event in the city or visit the city once you are a young adult.

Generation Seven: Carefree

Being in a big family is can be hectic at times. So, you decided to be the happy jokester in the middle just trying to get people to crack a smile. And you got really good at it. As a major people person, you made sure to get to know everyone you meet. You even started a tradition of taking a picture with them so you could never forget that moment. Your friends will always invite you to go out because you are known for being the life of the party. However, the parties you host, are even better. You decide to live life as if it was one big stage, and you’re the star performer.

Traits: Goofball, Clumsy, Outgoing

Aspiration: Party Animal

Career: Entertainer (Comedian Branch)

Goals:

Max comedy skill.

Max singing skill.

Host a party every week.

Take a photo of every person who visits you.

Marry someone you met just two days before.

Attend every festival or event you are asked to attend.

Generation Eight: Kind

Expected to be just like your mother/father, no one ever assumed you would be the quiet kid who preferred reading over partied. However, that is exactly who you were. When it was that time of the week for a new social event, you either left for the library or locked yourself in your room, praying it ended soon. Your parents noticed you struggled talking to people, so they allowed you to adopt a puppy once you became a teenager. You and your dog instantly became best friends and you took them everywhere. Even though you may not be great with people, being compassionate was a skill you ranked high in. You always looked out for the less fortunate and wanted to provide in anyway you could.

Traits: Vegetarian, Loner, Good

Aspiration: Friend of the Animals

Career: Gardner (Floral Designer Branch)

Goals:

Max gardening skill.

Max flower arranging skill.

Keep up a garden of just flowers.

Adopt strays: one dog, and two cats.

Marry an ambitious sim.

Donate $100 to charity weekly.

Generation Nine: Impulsive

You grew up hearing stories of your grandmother/father’s so called “wild days” and fell in love with the energy it brought. However, your mom/dad raised you better than to go out spending life as if there was no consequences. Finding a balance started off to be very challenging for you. You could never hold down relationships and even got pregnant/got someone pregnant twice. It wasn't until you became a secret agent and learned how to live two lifestyles: one full of fun and adventure; the other more stable and structured.

Traits: Active, Non-Committal, Bro

Aspiration: Bodybuilder

Career: Secret Agent (Diamond Agent Branch)

Goals:

Max fitness skill.

Max handiness skill.

Go to either college for Psychology and play soccer.

Have four failed relationships and never get married.

Have two children from two different relationships.

Move three times once you become a young adult.

Generation 10: Passionate

Because your mother/father’s job required you to move around so much, making real life friends was a lot harder than it seemed. So, you built your relationships within the online community. Every day, you and your closest friends would hop online and compete in tournaments or even play for fun. As the years went on, you became really good at coding and even started working on your own apps. You looked up to the players from ESports Gaming - only the best gamers in the world - and longed to be sitting in one of their spots. And sure enough, after years of perfecting your strategies and game plays, your dreams came true!

Traits: Geek, Hot-Headed, Outgoing

Aspiration: Computer Whiz

Career: Tech Guru (ESport Gamer Branch)

Goals:

Max programming skill.

Max video gaming skill.

Complete the MySims Trophies collection.

Attend and compete in every Geek Con convention.

Make five video games or apps.

Mentor your child/ren for five hours each.

Adaptations:

Gen 1:

If you do not have Discover University, go into the Business career (Management Branch).

Max cooking skill if you do not have Discover University.

If you do not have City Living, complete the postcards collection.

Gen 2:

Unlock the secret world in Oasis Springs if you do not have Get to Work.

Gen 3:

If you do not have Parenthood but do have Get to Work, max the baking skill.

If you do not have both Parenthood and Get to Work, max the gourmet cooking skill.

If you do not have Spa Day but do have Knifty Knitting, max the knitting skill.

If you do not have both Spa Day or Knifty Knitting, max the photography skill.

If you do not have Knifty Knitting, have a side passion of photography.

Gen 4:

If you do not have Discover University, read a new skill book every week instead of attending university.

Gen 5:

If you do not have City Living, have the  Fabulously Wealthy aspiration.

If you do not have City Living, live in Oasis Springs.

Gen 6:

Do not have a career if you do not have Eco-Lifestyle. Instead, craft item on the woodworking for money.

If you do not have Eco-Lifestyle, max the fishing skill instead of reaching level eight in candle making and juice fizzing.

If you do not have Cats and Dogs, move to Evergreen Harbor.

If you do not have both Cats and Dogs or Eco-Lifestyle, live in Willow Creek

If you do not have Eco-Lifestyle, have the self-assured trait instead.

If you do not have Eco-Lifestyle, have the Angling Ace aspiration.

Gen 7:

If you do not have City Living but do have Get Together, max the dancing skill.

If you do not have both City Living or Get Together, max the mixology skill.

Gen 8:

If you do not have Dogs and Cats, have the Freelance Botanist aspiration.

Do not have a career if you do not have Seasons. Instead, sell your plants for money.

If you do not have Seasons but have Get to Work, max the baking skill.

If you do not have both Seasons or Get to Work, max the violin skill.

If you do not have Dogs and Cats, but have Seasons, own three bees nests and two insect nests instead of owning pets.

If you do not have both Dogs and Cats or Seasons, have three children instead of having three pets.

If you do not have City Living, have the cheerful trait.

Gen 9:

If you do have Strangerville, go into the Military Career (I do not have it, so I played as a Secret Agent)

If you do have Snowy Escape, have the adventurous trait instead of the active trait (I do not have it but believe they would be adventurous).

If you do not have Discover University, read five skill books over different topics, instead of going to college.

Gen 10:

If you do not have City Living, compete in an online tournament weekly instead of going to Geek Con.

[ticketstomydaydreams]

5:3666

(All We Have: Part Two)

Part One

Colson x Female Reader

Summary: You and Colson fall into a night time studio routine when he starts keeping you company through your insomnia and you decide to work though some past demons

Word count: 3,200 (ish, I lost count editing)

Feels: Fluff with a dash of past trauma

Warnings: Drug & alcohol consumption, domestic violence, cursing, Colson being so sweet it almost makes your teeth hurt

Companion playlist:

Machine Gun Kelly - 5:3666

Warren Zevon - I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

The Vamps - All Night

Halsey - You Should Be Sad

A/N: If you've been affected by anything in this story, please know you're not alone. My inbox is always open and I'm all ears 🖤

______

During the first couple of weeks of moving in, you’d been partying A LOT. The guys wanted to show you just how mad it got, breaking you into their chaotic household, blending the days together. Everyone was hyper and the house was buzzing with energy. You'd been so exhausted from all of it that you'd been all but passing out each night, but you couldn’t lie, it was great fun.

You’d tried to pass on a few nights but Colson would never hear of it, often forcing you out of your room to get involved as the house was filled with people, jam sessions taking place in between drinking games. It was a far cry from your usual homelife, your last housemate mainly kept to themselves so your place was normally pretty chilled. Colson had used your place as a quiet escape over the years, but it seemed you wouldn’t have the same set up extended to you here with this lot.

With the pandemic unfolding, the house had started getting quieter, less people in and out every night and everyone was settling into a lazier way of life. The gang were mooching around the house throughout the day and while the house was still lively at night, it wasn’t quite the party central you’d almost started getting used to. Your normal working routine went out the window as everyone had started working from home mainly and without your daily routine, followed by nights out partying, your insomnia was back with full force.

______

You were lying in your bed, trying to force sleep on yourself but after trying to nod off for a couple of hours, you accepted defeat and got back up. Throwing some sweats on and one of Colson’s huge hoodies (you’d been slowly sneaking them out of his closet, finding that the masses of material drowning your small frame were super comforting), you headed down to the kitchen, turned the stove on and filled the kettle up. You were scrolling through your phone when you heard footsteps on the tiled floor. Colson strolled into the kitchen looking disheveled in a white tank top and boxer shorts, hair ruffled and looking sleepy

“Dude, it’s 3am how come you’re up?”

“Couldn’t sleep, living that oh so fun insomnia life again” you sighed “Did I wake you?”

“Nah, I was already awake. Couldn’t sleep either and heard someone moving about so thought I’d come down” He replied, climbing onto one of the breakfast stools

“Yeah, I think it’s not having much of a routine. Hate lying in bed staring at the ceiling so just got up. You want a cup?” you offered, pointing to the chamomile tea you were brewing

“Sure, thanks” he says, taking the steaming mug from you

You sit down at the breakfast bar with him and start chatting, scrolling through instagram as you do. After about an hour, as you’re talking about an article you’re reading, you notice Colson doesn’t respond and you look to your right and see he’s fallen asleep, leaning on his hand, his mouth slightly ajar.

“Hey, sleeping beauty” you whisper, rubbing his back with your hand “Go to bed”

He slightly jolts at your touch, opening his eyes “Nah man, I’m keeping you company”

“Some company” you laugh softly “pretty sure you just slept through all my rambling there”

He leans against your shoulder, closing his eyes again “Hey, at least you’re not sitting here alone. That’s something right?”

“That’s true” you smile, leaning your head against his “You’re very appreciated, do you know that”

You gently push him upright and stand up “Come on, let’s go to bed. I’m pretty tired myself, so you’ve definitely helped”

He’s laid his head down on his arm on the counter, his breathing getting heavy immediately so you pull his other hand making him stand up. He stands up and puts his arm around your shoulder as you walk towards the stairs, your legs feeling heavy as you climb each step, carrying some of Colson’s weight as he sleepily walks with you

Once you’re standing outside your bedroom doors, he pulls you in for a hug

“Night kid, don’t be wandering around bored if you can’t sleep yeah? Just come get me. Nothing worse than sitting up alone at night…”

“Will do. Thanks Col” You squeeze him a bit tighter as he kisses the top of your head

“Night” you smile, as he let’s you go and turns and heads into his room, waving his hand up behind him

Undressing and crawling into bed, your eyes feel heavy as your head hits the pillow. Colson was right, insomnia was a much less lonely experience with a friend.

______

Of course, as is always the way after your sleepless nights, you sleep in super late the following day meaning the cycle continues and you find yourself wide awake as the witching hour approaches. Feeling restless in your bedroom, you get up, and decide to head downstairs and out into the studio because you figure you might as well put this time to good use. You settle into a chair with your acoustic guitar and started playing, stopping and starting as you figure out a melody, working your latest lyrics in with it

“I wanna start this out and say, I gotta get it off my chest. Got no anger, got no malice…”

“I thought I told you to come get me if you couldn’t sleep”

You almost drop your guitar as you hear Colson’s voice behind you, “Jesus, how are you such an enormous human but you still manage to creep up on me all the time?”

“Just a stealthy motherfucker I guess” He laughs, flopping into the chair next to you

“Whatcha working on? That sounded sweet, keep playing…”

Colson knows you sometimes get a bit self-conscious with people watching you sing, so he lights his joint, rests his head on his hand and closes his eyes. You smile as you see what he's doing, thankful he always understands what you're like.

You turn back to your notepad, reading over your lyric outline quickly before repositioning the guitar in your lap and resetting the metronome

___

‘I wanna start this out and say, I gotta get it off my chest

Got no anger, got no malice, Just a little bit of regret

No, nobody else will tell you, so there's some things I gotta say

Gonna jot it down and then get it out and then I'll be on my way

No, you're not half the man you think that you are

And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs, and cars

I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you

Oh, I feel so sorry, I feel so sad

I tried to help you, it just made you mad

And I had no warning about who you are

I'm just glad I made it out without breaking down

And then ran so fuckin' far, that you would never ever touch me again

Won't see your alligator tears

'Cause, no, I've had enough of them’

___

“Man, that was beautiful Y/N. I got some chills right there…You just wrote that?”

“Nah, it’s something I dug up from ‘back then’. Been going through some old lyrics and samples while we’ve got all this time on our hands. It’s kinda cathartic to go over some of that stuff now there’s a bit more distance you know”

______

A couple of years ago, you’d been stuck in a really toxic relationship with your ex, Stevie. Your time with him had been a tornado of arguments, drugs and the constant heartache of him cheating on you. Every time you’d get close to having the strength to leave, you’d always cave in and the mess would continue with you losing a bit of yourself each time you stayed. You’d become pretty used to his violent outbursts, he had always been controlling and short tempered, often pushing you and throwing stuff around your apartment. Despite his own frequent infidelity, he flew into a jealous rage with you constantly.

He’d always hated Colson, despite him being one of your best friends, and while he’d play nice to his face you’d always get it in the neck once you were alone about how you and Colson were ‘too close’ and he ‘didn’t trust him’. Before that final night you’d spent with him, things had been pretty good with the two of you for a few weeks, there hadn’t been much drama and so you hadn’t thought too much of inviting him out with you and the gang for a night out clubbing. Your good run had clearly come to an end, when you felt his hand grab your arm tightly and drag you off the dancefloor where you’d been dancing with Colson. You’d been bundled into an uber so quickly, you hadn’t even managed to get your handbag from inside. You saw Colson running out of the club, followed by Rook and Slim who was holding your bag, as the cab pulled away.

Once you were back at the apartment, he flew into a rage. You’d never seen him this bad before, his eyes were dark and when you tried to argue back, calling his jealousy ‘pathetic’ he snapped. He’d grabbed you by the throat and slammed you against the wall, “Don’t you ever disrespect me like that again” he’d spat in your face, before striking you so hard with his fist that the skin across your cheek split open. It was as if his actions had knocked him back to reality, he’d let go of you and you ran to your bedroom, locked the door behind you and started packing a bag. He hammered on the door, begging you to open it and you could hear that he was crying. You looked around for your phone before you remembered you’d left it at the club. Desperate to get away, you opened your laptop and brought up instagram, managing to send Colson a message asking him to send you an uber to his house straight away. You’d thrown your laptop and a few more bits in your bag, the battery dying before you had a chance to wait for a reply, before pulling the bedroom door open and barging past Stevie. He’d tried to grab you, but you’d finally had enough “Never fucking touch me again” you spat, pushing him off you. The hatred in your voice rooted him to the spot and he said nothing as you walked out, the door slamming behind you.

Once you were outside the apartment building, the reality of what had just happened and the situation you were in started to wash over you. You had no phone, no wallet, your laptop was dead. Just as you were starting to seriously panic, an uber pulled up and Colson had leapt out of the backseat. You’d been in total shock and had just let Colson guide you into the cab and then out into his house, up to his room. He didn’t say anything as he led you to his bathroom and lifted you up onto the counter. He grabbed a flannel and soaked it with warm water, rinsing it out before pressing it softly against the cut on your cheek, gently wiping away the blood that had mixed with your mascara laced tears. The tenderness of his actions was almost too much and you started to sob again.

“Hey, hey. Y/N, look at me” he said softly, lifting your chin so you looked at him, his blue eyes misty themselves “It’s okay, you’re safe here. Don’t move, I’ll be back in a sec”

He left the bathroom and returned with a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Putting them on the counter next to you, he crouched down and undid the straps on your heels, slipping them off your feet and then helping you down from the counter. “I’ll leave you to change”

When you came out of the bathroom, Colson was lying in his bed “Come here” he said, holding his arm and beckoning into his side. You crawled under the covers next to him and snuggled into him, his long arms wrapping around you.

“Col…” you said quietly

“Yeah?” he whispered back, stroking your hair off your forehead

“Thank you…”

“You don’t need to thank me. I’ve always got you Y/N”

______

“I hated that fucking guy. That night...I wanted to kill him after what he’d done to you”

You see him tense up at the memory and you lean over and squeeze his knee “You’re such an amazing friend, do you know that. I don’t know what I would’ve done that night without you”

"You're a fucking warrior Y/N, you'd have handled your shit. I was just happy you trusted me enough to let me be there for you. You deserve so much better than that" he says, covering the hand you'd placed on his knee with his, staring you in the eyes and returning the smile that's crept across your face

"You know there's been a few punches I've wanted to dole out on behalf of you over the years, but you've never let me" you tell him

"Too right I'd never let you. I never want you in the drama, you're too good for getting caught up in that shit" he replies, pointing at you with mock sternness

"Hey" he says, seeing your expression wash over with a tint of sadness "At least the sleepless nights aren't what they were then…

… If we're gonna work through some old demons this lockdown, I'm sure I've got some songs and lyrics that have never seen the light of day" He reaches over the desk and pulls his laptop towards him "You've inspired me… "

"Oh no, are we gonna fuck our heads up with this?" you joke nervously, worrying that Colson's going to delve into something that's going to upset him

"Nah, I got you covered and you got me, right?"

"True dat" you say, as he holds his fist out so you can fistbump, his eyes now focused on his laptop screen

______

You felt kinda bad, having kept Colson up all night with you the last two nights, especially as you'd got him reminiscing about some tough memories, so tonight you tried to sneak past his room when your restlessness got the better of you.

"Nice try kid!" Colson says as he throws his bedroom door open, causing you to yelp in fright. standing there topless with his sweatpants hung low in his hips, he lights the joint hanging from his mouth "I told you we were in this together now"

"I felt bad, making you stay up with me"

"You didn't make me do shit…Wait a sec, let me find a hoodie. If I have any left in here…" he says, giving a pointed look towards the huge blue hoodie you were wrapped in before walking back into his room and rummaging through his drawers

"Oh shush, you have like a hundred…"

"Right come on" he says, pulling a pink hoodie over his head and flipping the hood up over his messy hair "Let's see what we get into tonight…"

______

And so the nights went on like this, the two of you falling into an easygoing studio routine. If there wasn't anything else going on in the house, you'd eat dinner together then head to the studio and work through the night into the small hours, skipping out the pretense of trying to sleep. You were both pretty productive at this time it seemed, both being proclaimed night owls, and keeping busy during these uncertain times was keeping your minds off the unfolding pandemic.

Considering he’d referred to his home studio in the past as the ‘rage cage’ (and it certainly could still be party central when the entire crew got involved), it was actually a place you drifted towards to relax these days. You’d always worked well together in a studio, but over the weeks spending so much time just the two of you, you became more in tune with each other, noticing when one of you had hit a wall and it was time for bed. Sometimes you'd work in comfortable silence, side by side, engrossed in your own seperate tasks. Sometimes barely any work would get done as you put the world to rights talking about anything and everything in a late night impromptu therapy session.

This evening, you'd been sitting cross legged in your chair for hours now, focusing so hard on editing a song which was driving you mad, you hadn't realised your feet had gone numb. As you try to move, your knees crack and pins and needles shoot through your legs. Colson looks up from the screen he'd been engrossed in after hearing you groan and sees you rubbing your feet trying to bring back the feeling to them

‘C’mere’ he said, before turning his chair towards you and leaning down to grab your legs, bringing your feet up onto his lap. He pulls your socks off and begins massaging your feet. You lean your head back, eyes closed and let out a long ‘hmmm’. You don’t see Colson glancing over at you and shifting in his seat as he lets out slow breath before turning back to his screen

“Now this is the kind of work session I could get used to”, you sighed "You being my studio bitch on hand for foot rubs. Although, I imagine this enjoyment goes both ways Mr Foot Lover” you tease, throwing him an exaggerated wink

Colson throws his head back with a hearty chuckle, and light heartedly slaps your calf

"Keep it in your pants Y/N"

You laugh and wiggle your toes, Colson letting out a dramatic, throaty groan in response. "Those are some sexy little toes though" he states, sticking his tongue out.

Still laughing, you put your hand to your chest, and gasp as you feign prudishness and try to pull your feet away. He grabs both your feet in one of his hands, keeping them in place then leans over the desk and pulls your laptop towards you

"Get on with some work you, this is supposed to be keeping you motivated, not distracted"

He scolds affectionately, with a smile on his face

“Okay, okay, spoilsport” you grumble as you pull your computer onto your lap

Half an hour passes, your legs still on Colson’s lap with him still massaging your feet absentmindedly with one hand while he works, and your eyes begin to feel heavy. You don’t realise you’ve fallen asleep, until you’re awoken by a “woah” from Colson as he catches your laptop which is about to fall. Taking it from your lap, he states “Right, time for bed you”

You check your phone and see it’s already 5:36am.

You stand up and stretch then walk over behind Colson, putting your arms around his shoulders, and resting your chin on his head. Looking at his screen, you yawn “You got much left to do?”

He leans back into you, bringing his hand up to rest on your arm, “Making some good progress so just gonna finish a couple of bits”

“Okay dude” you gently kiss the top of his head and squeeze the back of his neck a couple of times as you turn to leave “Try and get some rest, we’ve got a long day of sweet fuck all to do tomorrow” you say through another big yawn

“Heh yeah, Night Kid” he says softly, letting out a yawn himself. Colson turns and watches you head out of the studio and lets out a big sigh. Feeling the back of his neck still tingle from where you’d squeezed it, he’s suddenly aware of how empty the room feels without you in it....

______

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