percy: *intensely watching the news, waiting to hear about something he may have caused*
piper: come on percy, come eat with us. you’ve been sitting there waiting for hours. if something happens, you’ll hear about it eventually. a watched pot never boils
percy, distractedly: yeah and an ignored one boils over
piper: that-
piper, turning to annabeth in confusion: have i been spending too much time with him or is that one of the most logical things i’ve ever heard someone say?
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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We could use your help!
If you support the groundbreaking, inclusive, affirming, feminist, comprehensive, young-people-centered, queer sex ed for all we've provided for 25+ years to over 90 million people, please help us raise the $15K we need to pay our bills in 2024, or become one of 250 new donors we need for 2025!
You can do that at Scarleteen.com/contribute or by heading to our site and clicking ‘Pitch-In ’. 🎉
If you’re already donating (thank you!) please consider increasing your monthly amount, if you can, even a little bit. We’ll count any increases we get towards our two goals! You can do that by clicking 'Manage Your Donation' in your latest donation receipt.
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Despite leading the way in SRE online from the 1990s on, and always making sure young people have access to good information even when it is suppressed elsewhere in their lives, we remain underfunded, including funding to pay our staff a fair, living wage.
We need to meet this $15K goal to fund our most basic needs and our tightest budget. If you can help us do that, we can focus on providing awesome SRE, growing, improving and kicking-ass, and finding more funding for 2025. Thank you! ❤️
- The Scarleteam
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WITH MY WIZARDING POWERS 🧙♂️💫 AND MY ABSOLUTELY FUCKED VAN 🚗💥
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I love that Adaine goes, “Oh, she’s STUPID” whenever an NPC has an off moment when her best friends are:
-a guy who tried to fight hardened pirates with the members of his dad’s pyramid scheme
-a girl who tried to ribbon dance down a tower
-a guy who got tattoos of incomplete anagrams because he thought they were clues
-a guy who thought every stranger was his dad
-Hilda Hilda
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Nie Huaisang is such a character. He can faint on command. The character guide in the novel describes him as a dandy and lists his weapons as saber (ostensibly) and crying (actually). He stalked a canary for several days and then sneaked it into class. He collects porn and shares it with his friends. He's in a sword wizard society and his clan in particular is known for their blades but he never once has a fight scene. His characteristic accessory is a paper fan. He failed summer camp twice. He formed a Golden Core nearly a decade later than everyone else his age. When his brother was killed he set in motion a several years long revenge scheme that involved both careful planning and insane improv. He built a reputation on not knowing anything. He threw himself on his brother's killer weeping and saying "if you don't help me I'm killing myself in front or you." Truly who is doing it like him
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Please hold transgender women dear in your heart this international women’s day. Love and respect the trans women around you please.
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