#mention of drugs tw

[pretentiousgayguyidk]

CW: mentions of drug use, tics, and hallucinations.

(Name) glanced over at his lover, who was currently pissed off and higher than a kite. Sanzu lay on the couch a scowl on his face, his eyes bloodshot and his nose bleeding. Every now and then he would twitch and tic, cursing slightly. What was he angry about this time? No one had a clue, even the Haitani's are innocent, having been elsewhere before Sanzu lost his shit. (Name) stood up with a sigh and walked over to Sanzu, who was bleeding everywhere. "Zuzu?"

Sanzu stopped mumbling to himself and hazily glanced up at his lover, he pouted a little more before sitting up. Blood gushed from his nose and onto his suit and hands. He looked down, anger replaced with shock. He glanced up at his lover then back down at the blood. "'m bleedin." He mumbled, his head twitching a little.

"Yeah Zuzu, that's what happens when you overdo it with the Rock." He grumbled, pulling a tissue from his pocket and grabbing Sanzu's face. Sanzu pouted again, his brows furrowed as (Name) gently cleaned off his face.

"'m angry... Why 'm I angry, puppy?" He asked, (Name) shrugged and gently pulled Sanzu up to stand; the pink haired man wobbling a little as he let his lover drag him to the nearest bathroom. (Name) stood behind Sanzu, helping the high man clean up the blood staining his hands. "Why'm I angry?" He asked again, glancing at (Name) in the mirror.

"I dunno Zuzu, do you remember what could have happened to make you angry?" The taller man shook his head, swaying on his feet slightly. Sanzu gently pushed off his lover, squeezing his way out of the bathroom and flopping down on the floor; glaring harshly at the ceiling. (Name) silently walked away from his lover and to their bedroom, grabbing something to entertain Sanzu before he breaks something.

"Puppy?" Sanzu called out, (Name) sat beside his lover smiling a little.

"Don't worry Zuzu, I'm here." Sanzu nodded a little before looking at the object in (Name)'s hand. He pointed at it glancing between the (h/c) haired man and the object in his hand.

"Whuzzat?" (Name) smile a little and gently stroked the other's hair as he hands it over. Sanzu turns the cylindrical object over in his hands. "Baby telescope?" He gasped dramatically as he looked through it, earning a giggle from his lover.

"Kaleidoscope, Zuzu." He managed to whisper out through his giggle fit, he watched as Sanzu looked around, jaw dropped.

"Thrs culorz!" He exclaimed, sitting up quickly, making blood drip from his nose again. He paused for a second putting the kaleidoscope down as he touches his face, slowly coming to his senses. "Ew... Blood doesn't taste good, Puppy." He grumbled, (Name) pulled out another tissue gently cleaning up the blood.

"Yep, I'm aware Zuzu." He whispered, gently kissing the other's cheek making him smile a little. He blinked a little, his head and arm twitching again.

"Head hurts..." He mumbled.

"Don't worry, I'll get you some water. Keep the tissue here before you bleed everywhere." The pink haired man nodded, watching as his boyfriend left him alone. His heart picking up pace as he glanced around the room, seeing creepy shadows out of the corners of his eyes. He shivered and stood up running into the kitchen and hiding his face in between (Name)'s shoulders. "Zuzu?"

Sanzu stayed silent, hugging his lover tightly. His body trembling and twitching. (Name) gently pulled Sanzu off of him and turned around to look at his boyfriend. Sanzu had his eyes squeezed shut and was shaking his head a little. "I dun' wanna see." He whispered weakly.

"It's okay Zuzu, the drugs are wearing off, you won't have to see them for very long." (Name) was used to nights like these, coming home to Sanzu high or Sanzu coming home to get high. Despite how much he hated his boyfriend doing drugs he figured it would be better if he was at least supervised. By now he was used to Sanzu's random twitches and nosebleeds, and sadly used to him randomly screaming or calling for (Name) when he's alone. Whenever he's coming off his high he usually starts hallucinating, a side effect of his drug usage - seeing as he uses more than just Adderall.

"Water?" Sanzu whispered. Holding onto (Name) for dear life his eyes still tightly shut.

"Yeah I got you water, wanna lay down?" Sanzu silently nodded as his boyfriend helped him drink. (Name) gently kissed his lover, holding him tightly. They slowly make their way to the bedroom, Sanzu nuzzling into his boyfriend's chest as (Name) pet his hair.

"Thank you..."

[slytherinlesbians]

Whumptober 2023, Day 2: "They don't care about you."

fandom: succession | characters: roman roy (centric), shiv roy, kendall roy | ship: none | trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse, neglect, drug use | content: childhood fic, sibling relationships | word count: 1k.

Roman is bored. 

He’s been wandering around the grounds of this year’s summer house for a half hour like he’s his mother, trying to get 10,000 steps in each day. He wonders, briefly, if he should call her, but shakes his head at himself for thinking that she’d want to hear from him. If Mom had wanted them - him, Shiv and Ken - she would have tried for custody. 

The divorce was finalized when he was still away at school and no one had even bothered to fucking mention it to him. Not a shred of communication from anyone. He’d arrived back from his first year at St Andrews Military School in the early stages of age fourteen with a buzzcut, a habit of jumping at loud noises, and a 70% increase of the word ‘fuck’ in his vocabulary. 

At first he’d been thrilled to get away from home, but within hours of his first day at military school, he’d locked himself in a bathroom, stifling sobs against a hand towel so no one would hear him, desperate to come back. The new routine had stressed him out, made his chest feel tight. He was terrified to sleep for fear of yelling out in the night or pissing himself like he was a little kid again, so he became a walking zombie, functioning off of as little sleep as possible. He never flinched when he was screamed at or whacked around the head, but as soon as it happened for the first time, some masochistic sickness rose up in him where he decided the only person he wanted to hit him was his father. Which is fucking insane, because when Dad hits him he feels like he’s going to die for hours after - his chest and throat close up and he can barely breathe - but at least it’s familiar. At least it’s home. 

He’d jumped out of the car expecting to be greeted by someone at least, but no one had been at the gates. Affronted, he’d gone searching for his mother, only to meet Kendall, who was back from his first semester at college and gave him an awkward hug before explaining that Mom had finally packed up and fucked off. It stung that no one had told him, and it stung even worse that Mom hadn’t said goodbye. He resolved to find Shiv, who loved to bitch about Mom and would know all of the details due to her habit of listening at doors, and was valiantly disappointed when his twin sister shut her bedroom door in his face. 

And so it had been, for the last three days in which he’d been home: Ken doesn’t mind Roman hanging around him these days, but he listens to shitty rap and checks his computer constantly with too-bright eyes and complains about how the weed in Boston is way better than here. Shiv stays in her room or lies on the grass, sipping lemonade and reading books about politics that she barely understands. He hasn’t even seen his Dad since he got back. He’s at a conference somewhere. 

“Why’s Shiv no fun anymore?” Roman says, spinning on Kendall’s desk chair. 

“I dunno man,” Kendall says, lying on the ground and rolling a careful joint. “Once you left, she got real quiet. It was probably pretty lonely for her, being the only one around.” 

Roman shrugs. “It’s not my fault I had to go to St Fuckyou’s.” 

Kendall snorts, not looking up. “It kinda is. Maybe if you weren’t such a weirdo you’d have gotten to stay home.” 

“It’s not fair,” Roman whines. “You didn’t have to go to boarding school, Con didn’t, Shiv didn’t. It’s messed up. Dad hates me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Kendall says, but his voice sounds far away. “He probably just wants the best for you, or something.” 

“Yeah,” Roman says. “Or something.” He watches Kendall lick the paper and give the joint a final roll. “Hey, can I have some?” 

“Fuck no,” Kendall says, sitting up and running a hand through his hair, which is longer than Roman remembers it being. “Get your own. Actually, don’t. You’re too young.” 

“Fuck you,” Roman says, but he didn’t really want it anyway. He wonders, vaguely, how old his brother had been the first time he’d done drugs. Speaking of brothers, he’s surprised Connor isn’t here. He’s always mixed up one strange new scheme or the other, but generally makes a point of spending summers with his younger siblings. It’s not that Roman’s desperate to see him or anything - his eldest brother is a bit of a freak - but it’d be nice to have something to do this summer. 

“Have you heard from Con?” he asks his sister later that afternoon. He hangs upside down on a sun lounger. She’s sitting by the pool in a new swimsuit, sipping a virgin daiquiri and reading To Kill a Mockingbird, mostly ignoring him. 

“He sent us an email,” she says, sounding bored, not looking up from her book. “Something about spending the summer building habitats for endangered snails or - some bullshit like that. Said he’s sorry he can’t see us, blah blah. No big loss. Didn’t you see it?” 

“No,” says Roman, who never gets emails, therefore hasn’t bothered to sign into his account at all in the last few months. “Do you know when dad’s coming back?”

Shiv shrugs and finally looks up at him, dark sunglasses hiding her eyes. “No.”

“Neither.” 

“So? Since when has Dad told you where he’s going and when? He doesn’t care about you.” 

“Bitch,” Roman says, pulling himself upright and sticks his tongue out at her, pretending the words don’t sting. “He doesn’t give a shit about you either.” 

“Oh, boo hoo. Mom doesn’t care, dad doesn’t care, big brothers are too busy doing drugs and saving the planet,” she says sardonically. “No one pays attention to us anymore, so we can do whatever we want. Life is so terrible.”

“You used to be more fun,” he snaps, not sure why her words are getting to him so much. 

“I’ve grown up,” is all she says, then looks back down. 

“Fuck you too,” he mutters, standing up to resume wandering around the grounds. 

He spends the summer wandering, pretending not to care that no one cares. 

Roman is bored. 

[a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all]

Someone Always Gets Hurt

Fandom: The Killing, Stephen Holder

Summary: It was only supposed to be a friends-with-benefits arrangement between you and Holder, but when one of you develops real feelings, things get complicated.

Word Count: 4591

TW: Friends with Benefits (FWB), mention of domestic abuse, mentions of drugs and addiction

You thought it was the perfect arrangement. You thought no one would get hurt. You should have known better. Because in these situations, someone always gets hurt.

When Holder had first suggested a friends with benefits arrangement, you thought he was joking. The two of you had been partners back when he was part of the Narcotics Department. You were the one who discovered he had gotten hooked on meth and helped him as he struggled to get clean. And even once he was promoted to the Homicide Division, you still remained close friends, best friends. But you had never imagined taking your relationship to a physical level. However, as Holder pointed out, neither one of you had time for a real relationship at the moment and sometimes you just needed someone to help you take the edge off.

So, one thing led to another and soon the once-in-a-blue-moon rendezvouses turned into a once, if not twice, a week occurrence. Sometimes you would meet at his place, sometimes at yours. A few times, you even snuck into his office when he was working late. Linden had walked in once, and you hadn’t been able to face her for weeks.

But once things started up, you couldn’t get enough. You were astonished by how amazing your ex-partner could make you feel in bed. Holder had never been what you would call conventionally handsome or good with the ladies. He tried, but when you had watched his attempts to win over women in the past, you always found his flirtations a bit cringy. Yet the second you were alone, a different side of Holder came out. He was still goofy and playful, but most of his bravado fell away and you saw the vulnerable, sweet man underneath. And his entire goal in the bedroom was to make you feel good. You had never been with a man who cared so much for your pleasure even over his. It was an intoxicating experience that the two of you continued to share over and over and over again.

And for almost six months, everything seemed perfect until one night Holder slipped up. You figured he had probably been hiding the truth for a while but for some reason, that night, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. As you were drifting off to sleep after an exhausting night of debauchery, you felt Holder snuggle up closer to you. This wasn’t out of the ordinary as Holder loved to spoon afterwards, however this embrace felt different than normal. Then, he leaned over until his lips brushed against your ear, and he softly whispered, “I love you.”

Your heart dropped out of your chest as your stomach churned. Everyone had warned you this would happen, that someone would get hurt, but you had thought, this was Holder! You never imagined he could feel that way, not about you. Slowly, you sat up and he backed away, eyes widening as he realized you were still awake.

Looking at him sadly, you started, “Holder-”

“No, no! I didn’t mean it! I was just tired. I didn’t know what I was sayin’!”

“Holder, we talked about this. This was just supposed to be a bit of fun. A way to relieve some stress. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a great guy-” Holder groaned and buried his head in his hands “-but this was never supposed to go past that. And if it has-”

“Please, please don’t say that. Shit, I’m sorry. It just…just slipped out. Come on, mama, you know it ain’t like that.”

“Holder,” you sighed as scooted off the bed and began throwing on your clothes. “I know you. And you wouldn’t have said it unless you really meant it. So, I need to just go right now, and we can talk about it later.” You headed for the bedroom door.

Holder jumped out of bed and hurriedly pulled on his boxers, almost toppling over as he hopped around, struggling to get one of his feet through the leg hole. “Wait, don’t do this. You know what we got is good. Come on! Gimme another chance!” He practically stumbled into you as you searched for your bag.

“I can’t do this-”

“Yes, you can, you just have ta try-”

You spied your bag buried in the couch. You snatched it up and headed to the front door. “You don’t understand, it’s not just-”

“Come back to bed and we’ll talk-”

“I’m seeing someone else!”

The words flew from your lips before you could stop them. Holder froze, his hand still clutched around your arm where he had been trying to coax you back to the bedroom and away from the front door that you had just opened. His face flashed a million different emotions at once as he tried to comprehend what you had just said. Finally, he mustered a single, “What?”

“I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner, but I started seeing this guy I met.”

“How long?”

“….A little over a month.” When you saw the shock in his eyes, you tried to explain further. “We’ve just been on a few dates. We’re not exclusive or anything and we haven’t even slept together yet!”

Holder’s face crumpled into a mass of pain and betrayal. “So, that’s what this is? You been comin’ here the last few weeks, sleepin’ with me and the whole time, you’re thinkin’ of him?”

“No, that’s not-”

“He gets you all hot an’ bothered and I’m just the fix?”

“No! Never, it’s not like that! It’s just…I don’t have the same feelings for you that you do for me. If I would have known, I would have ended this a lot sooner. It was just supposed to be some uncomplicated fun. I’m so sorry.”

“Get out.” The words were icy and detached. Holder had never once spoken to you like that in all the years you knew each other and it shook you to your core.

“Stephen…. please.”

“I said get the fuck out!” He roared, a fire now lit in his eyes as he shoved your bag into your arms, causing you to stumble backwards out his open front door. Before you could try to think of anything that could make the situation better, he slammed the door in your face. As you stood there uncertain of what to do, you could hear him hurling his things violently on the other side of the door, tearing apart his peaceful dojo, his sanctuary of light he had created for himself. Destroying the one place he had felt safe since getting clean. And it was all your fault.

You knew as soon as you started seeing Glenn you should have told Holder the truth. But for some reason, you had always found some excuse not to. This time will be the last I will sleep with him. Or maybe just one more time after this. But now, everything was broken, and you weren’t sure if it could ever be fixed.

A week later, you finally got up the courage to go see Holder. Nothing had changed, you were still seeing Glenn, but you wanted to clear the air. You had tried calling him every day, always leaving long, apologetic messages begging him to call you back. But he never did. You had even tried driving by the station multiple times, but his car was never there. So, this was your last resort. Even though you didn’t love Holder in a romantic way, he had been your partner for years and a close friend for even longer. You didn’t want to lose him from your life no matter how much begging and groveling it took.

You walked to the door you had approached hundreds of times before, but this time you hesitated. You still weren’t quite sure what you were going to say to him, or if he would even let you in, but you had to try. So after timidly knocking on the door, you waited for the unknown. As you heard the lock turning, you braced yourself for his anger or his pain, but you were met with neither. Instead, you were greeted by an elderly Hispanic woman about your height.

She looked at you politely yet slightly confused. “Yes? May I help you?”

“Uh…. I’m looking for Stephen Holder? He lives here?”

The woman shook her head with a smile. “Oh, I’m sorry, but he moved out a few days ago. This is my apartment now.”

It felt as if all the wind had been forcefully sucked from your lungs. Holder was gone? ….Because of me? But no, this couldn’t be happening. He had his job, his NA meetings, hell, there was no way he would leave Liz and Davie! But the proof was right in front of you. Peering slightly around the woman, you could see everything in the apartment was different. The ratty old leather couch had been replaced by a bright, floral-patterned sofa. The dusty blinds had been covered by thick curtains. And the shelves that had been filled with books and games were now covered in pictures of who you could only assume were this lady’s grandkids. Nothing of Holder remained.

Finally, you turned back to the woman and asked, “I’m really sorry to bother you. He just forgot to tell me he was moving, I guess. You wouldn’t happen to know where he went, would you?”

“I’m afraid not. He had me forward any mail to his sister. He didn’t leave an address for himself.”

You nodded, still in shock. “Okay, thank you very much and I’m sorry again for bothering you.”

You turned to leave, but the woman stopped you. “You wouldn’t happen to be his old partner?”

You whirled around, hopefully. “I am.”

“He left something for you, in case you stopped by.” The woman shuffled back into the apartment.

After what seemed like an eternity, she returned with a small box. Slowly opening the lid, you had to hold back a sob as you saw Holder’s gold chain nestled inside. You had bought it for him for your one-year anniversary of being partners. Since that day when you had secured it around his neck, he had never taken it off. Until now.

Lifting it from the box, you noticed that the clasp had been snapped off, as if he had ripped it from his neck. It had been a sturdy hook and it must have really hurt to tear it hard enough to break it. Does he really hate me that much? You nodded a thanks to the new occupant of Holder’s apartment and began walking down the hall, wiping tears from your eyes as you went.

As you exited the building, you pulled out your phone and dialed one of the only people Holder might have told where he was going. She answered on the third ring.

“You shouldn’t be calling me.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s gone. He quit homicide five days ago. Just packed up his desk and left. He said he couldn’t stay here anymore, and he was going to try to find a job somewhere else.”

“Where is he, Linden. I know you know.”

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. He did nothing but worship the ground you walked on, and you ripped his heart out.”

“I didn’t know.”

“The hell you didn’t. If you ask me, he’s better off without you.” The line went dead. And with it went all of your hopes of finding Holder.

You knew you could go try to get it out of Liz, but as desperate as you were to find him, you knew better than to cross that line. Holder’s sister and his nephew were his whole life, but they had a very tenuous relationship after he started using drugs. They had just started getting back to a good place, and you weren’t going to do anything that might affect that reconciliation.

So, all you could do was head home and pray that, someday, you might find your best friend once again.

Time passed by, and there wasn’t a day you didn’t think about Holder. For the first month or so, you thought you saw him everywhere. You chased down a fair number of tall, hoodie wearing strangers before you finally came to the realization that he was well and truly gone.

But that didn’t stop the ache you felt. You were left haunted by that last glimpse of him as he slammed the door on you. All the pain, anger, and betrayal etched into his face was all you could see when you thought of him. Every happy memory, every good time together was now tainted by the secret you had kept and the hurt it had caused him.

But the ultimate karmic justice came about three months after Holder left. You and Glenn had broken up a few weeks before after a rather nasty fight which led to an even nastier confrontation. But you didn’t care. Something had felt off for a while, but you couldn’t place your finger on what. So, one afternoon, you were taking a walk through the park, trying to clear your head. As you approached the fountain, you noticed a single monarch butterfly land gracefully on a flower. Sitting down on one of the nearby benches, you watched as it flitted from one plant to another.

You smiled as you remembered lying on Holder’s bed, flipping through his butterfly book while he lay behind you, peppering soft kisses across your bare shoulder and up your neck. He would only pause long enough to drop another fact about the insects before returning to his caresses, his moustache tickling your skin. And when he reached your lips, you rolled over on top of him, the book falling to the floor forgotten.

As you snapped out of the memory, you realized you had been absentmindedly stroking Holder’s chain which has resided on your neck since you had the clasp fixed. Suddenly, all the joy from the memory was sucked into the black hole that had opened in your chest. It became just another casualty of Holder’s disappearance.

But why did it hurt so bad? Why, after all this time did you care this much? He was your best friend, but you had lost friends before. It sucked then you moved on. But this… this was so much more. You thought about him constantly, cried yourself to sleep over missing him, everything good you had left of him had slowly just turned to pain. But you guessed that’s what happened when you lost someone who you loved.

You froze as the realization hit you like a bucket of ice water to the face. I love Holder. That’s why this hurt so much. That’s why you never felt right in your relationship with Glenn. That’s why you couldn’t move past Holder’s departure. Because you loved him! You were in love with Stephen Holder!

You burst into tears as you came to terms with this discovery. Without even realizing it, your friendship and fooling around had developed into something monumentally deeper. And you had pushed him away for loving you when you had loved him at the same time. He was gone because you had been too stupid to realize your real feelings.

For the next hour, you sat on that park bench with no one but the butterfly to watch as you wept for the man you still loved and who you had lost.

The next two years seemed to simultaneously fly by and drag on forever. You tried to move on with your life and forget about Holder but that was much easier said than done. The guilt and regret about how things had ended between the two of you ate at you every day. You tried to go on a few dates, but your mind always circled back to him and after a while, you just gave up. Once things had calmed down some, you had tried to talk to Linden again, but she was still almost as furious at you for causing him to leave as you were at yourself. Finally, you just came to accept that you were just never going to see him again.

Call it fate, call it coincidence, call it dump luck, call it divine intervention, but sometimes things happen for a reason. Your sister’s birthday was coming up and you found out that a bookstore in Tacoma had the limited edition she had been wanting for years. So, after the relatively short 40-minute drive from Seattle, you decided to explore the city some. It was a beautiful day, one of the first warm days Washington had seen since the fall, and you found yourself headed into a park by the water.

The park was busy but not exactly what you would call crowded. As you walked along the bay, looking at all the fish and birds out in the water, you glanced at a couple sitting at one of the tables up ahead and stopped dead in your tracks. The man had his back to you, but his tall frame, dirty blond hair, and gray hoodie all screamed Holder. You took a hesitant step towards him before mentally slapping yourself. You are better than this! You haven’t imagined seeing him in over a year. Not every tall guy in a sweatshirt is Stephen Holder. Pull yourself together! And so, you kept walking.

But as you got closer, more and more things about the man stood out to you. His posture, his movements, the cigarette dangling from his fingers. It was all him. You stopped directly behind the man, uncertain about what to do. But then he laughed, and you knew. It was a sound that both blessed and haunted your dreams. A sound you never thought you would hear in the waking world again.

Breathlessly, you whispered, “Holder.”

The man stiffened slightly before turning around. Oh god! It was him! He looked just the same as you remembered him, if slightly more cleaned up and less scruffy. He blinked in surprise as he saw you there and for a moment, you weren’t sure how he would react. The pain and hurt that had been branded in your brain for the past two years flickered across his face as he recognized you, and for a moment, you thought this had been a mistake. But then, his face softened and he broke into a playful grin as he threw open his arms.

“Yo! Whacha doin’ here, girl? I can’t believe it. ‘Bout time you finally tracked me down. No wonder you never made detective.” He wrapped himself around your smaller frame as he pulled you in for a hug. You stood there in shock for a second before returning the embrace with all of your strength. It’s him….It’s actually him! And he’s not mad.

Holder chuckled as he squirmed in your grasp. “Hey, hey, I missed you too! But I got ta breathe!”

You released him immediately, taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect…I mean I didn’t know….Are you living here now?”

“Yep. Moved here right after I left. Needed a place still close to Liz an’ Davie but still gave me some distance, you know what I’m sayin’?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course….. I’m just so surprised to see you! I was just in town picking something up and decided to go for a walk and here you are.” You still weren’t sure how to treat him, how he saw you. Were you an old friend or a bitter enemy?

But his smile gave you hope. He glanced over at the girl he was with, and said, “Hey, can I catch you later?” The girl glared at you but nodded, grabbed her stuff, and walked away.

Holder grabbed your hand and began pulling you away from the water. “Here, I know a place that’s normally pretty empty. Give us a lil’ more privacy.”

You allowed him to lead you past the tourists and families spending the afternoon together until it was just the two of you in the heart of the park. Holder let go of your hand and turned to face you. Both of you seemed to be examining the other, looking for the people you were years ago.

Finally, Holder nodded slightly to your neck. “You got what I left for you, so I guess you went by my place.”

Your hand flew to his chain that hung around your neck. “Oh, yeah. I stopped by about a week after…it happened. The new tenant gave it to me. I took it down and got the clasp fix and……It just felt wrong keeping it in that box, so I’ve been wearing it ever since.”

“I’m glad. It looks good on you.” You felt your cheeks grow warm and you turned to apologize, but Holder cut you off. “So, ya still with Jeff or Gordon or whoever?”

“Glenn. Uh, no….that didn’t last very long.”

You subconsciously rubbed your cheek, and Holder noticed. He reached out as he brushed your hand and hair to the side, revealing the scar that was usually hidden.

You saw his jaw tighten as he asked. “Did he hit you or somethin’?”

You shrugged softly. “Only once. He had a ring on. But you know I don’t tolerate shit like that. He was out on his ass before the sting of his hand was gone.”

Holder chuckled, some of the tension visibly vanishing from his body as he ran his thumb lightly over the mark. “Bet he didn’t leave in one piece either. Woulda loved to see that.”

Biting your lip, you suppressed a small smile. “Let’s just say, all those Jiu-Jitsu classes you talked me into taking came in good use that night.”

“That’s my girl!” His grin quickly faded as he realized what he had said. His hands instantly dropped to his side and he stepped back, putting quite a bit of distance between you.

Both of you stood in an awkward silence for a moment before you finally burst out, “I’m so sorry, Holder! I was wrong about everything! Even before Glenn hit me, I was already planning on leaving him. I realized something was off in our relationship, but I didn’t know what. And then a few weeks later, I saw a butterfly on my way to work, and it made me think of that book you used to have, and our time together and it just hit me. I love you, Holder. I love you now and I loved you back then, I was just too stupid to see it. And I’m not expecting you to forgive me or even want to be friends. But I just needed you to kno-”

His mouth was suddenly smashed against yours, cutting off the rest of your words. For a moment, you were so shocked that you didn't know how to respond. But as he deepened the kiss, you let yourself fall into him just like old times. As his hands came up and cupped your cheeks, you ran yours through his hair, pulling him in closer. The kiss felt almost the same as you remembered it, but there was a fire behind it that hadn’t been there before. A neediness that only came from years of separation.

When the two of you finally broke apart, panting slightly, you gazed up at him in wonder. But he just smiled his same old dopey grin. “I love you too, mama. Never stopped.”

“Really?” you breathed. “But the woman you were with? You’re not…”

“Nah, Jasmine? I’m her NA sponsor. I’m goin’ on five years clean,” he said proudly.

You grabbed his hands tightly. “Oh my god, Holder! That’s amazing! I was afraid after… you might have...”

His face dropped slightly. “I thought about it. A lot. Came really close, had the stuff in my hand an’ everythin’. But I knew it ain’t what you would’ve wanted. You were always so proud of me an’ supportive an’ shit. Even after what happened, I couldn’t let you down like that. So, I stopped myself and I still haven’t used since that night you first found me.”

You threw your arms around his neck, forcing him to crouch slightly to compensate for your height difference. “You’re right, I am so incredibly proud of you. And I’m so sorry I put you in that position in the first place. If I had just taken my head out of my ass long enough to see what I had, none of this would have happened. These last two years…. We could have shared them together.”

Holder straightened up suddenly, causing you to have to let go of him. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, as he stared down at you. “Listen, I… I never stopped lovin’ you. But, that don’t mean I lived like a saint these last two years neither.”

You stared at him nervously. “What do you mean? You said you were still off the drugs.”

“Yeah, it ain’t that…….I got a kid. A daughter.”

“Oh.” You weren’t quite sure how to take this news. After all, you were the one who broke his heart. He had every right to go out and sleep with every girl in the state if he wanted. In fact, the two of you had never really even been a couple. He never had to have any loyalty to you, you sure hadn’t had any to him. Yet, for some reason, this revelation still stung.

“Me and her moms dated for a few months, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Then a few weeks later, she tells me she’s pregnant. So… yeah.”

“Wow… congratulations! That’s wonderful Holder.” You pulled him back in for another hug of celebration, but you also used the opportunity to hide your face as you tried to fight the flood of emotions swimming across it. “What’s her name?”

“Kalia. She just turned one a few weeks ago.” You could hear he was still nervous, but there was also a pride and excitement underneath that you had rarely ever heard from him. “She’s fuckin’ amazin’! Everythin’ she does just blows me away, you know what I’m sayin’? An’ she’s already gettin’ so big! She used to fit in one of my hands, an’ now she’s huge! We have joint custody, so I don’t see her every day, but each time I do, she seems bigger! It’s incredible!”

You looked up at Holder’s face and marveled at the joy lighting up his face. You had never seen him happier. And that was enough for you. Anything that could make Holder smile like that, you couldn’t be upset about. “I would love the chance to meet her one day…. If that would be okay?”

Just when you thought Holder’s smile couldn’t get any bigger, it did. “Fo’ real? Like fo’ real, fo’ real? You’d want to meet her?”

“Of course, but only if and when you’re comfortable with that, I don’t want to pressure you. But, I mean, she’s a part of you, Holder. And after so long without you, I want every part of you that I can get. Now and forever.”

He pulled your body tight against his as he leaned down until his forehead was pressed firmly against yours. His smile was shining just as brightly as before. “Mama, you got me, all of me. Then, now, and forever.”

[rottnstrwberriez]

i’m not normally a fan of italian trap but one of my friends pointed out how this is literally Val’s song and i had to post about it

bold n italic text is the italian text

There's a porcelain doll I talk to if I'm thinking about getting high

C'è una bambola di porcellana con cui parlo se penso di farmi

But the drugs don’t want me and I don't want them, just to please me

Ma la droga non mi vuole ed io non voglio lei, soltanto per accontentarmi

When the sun goes down, I take out my desires on a little Yolandi

Quando il sole cala, sfogo le mie voglie su una piccola Yolandi

I slam her against the wall, remove the foundation with the strength of my slaps

La sbatto contro il muro, tolgo il fondotinta con la forza dei miei schiaffi

If she wants it hard, I give it to her hard, maybe even more than necessary

Se lo vuole forte, io glielo do forte, forse anche più del dovuto

I spread her legs and open the doors, only when she has enjoyed herself

Le allargo le cosce e spalanco le porte, solo quando avrà goduto

Ninja, ninja, I am your ninja here to sing your lullaby

Ninja, ninja, io sono il tuo ninja per cantare la tua ninna nanna

A little pussycat, who feeds a pussycat, will sign her sentence

Una piccola micia, che imbocca una micia, firmerà la sua condanna

I don't have time to cuddle you

Io non ho il tempo di farti le coccole

I'll hide you inside these trapdoors

Ti nascondo dentro queste botole

Along with a thousand other sluts

Insieme a mille altre zoccole

On my heart I have the scars

Sopra il mio cuore ho le cicatrici

Baby, of those who have suffered a lot

Baby, di chi ha sofferto tanto

Third degree burns

Ustioni di terzo grado

The pain that leads to degradation

Il male che porta al degrado

LIKE I HAVE A POINT DO I?!

coff coff @valentino-moth-man coff coff

[devilsrow]

. ´ closed starter — @bvrnovt

sat slumped in the worn-out booth of a twenty-four seven diner, javier was struggling to focus. the vibrant hues of the night's escapades were fading, and reality began seeping in with the dwindling effects of the drugs he'd consumed earlier. with one arm draped around maeve's shoulder, javi picked away at his untouched plate of fries, his appetite being lost within the comedown.

" completely off the record, " he whispered, leaning in towards the other. " who do you think killed hope ? " like most of the town, javi had listened to the recent podcast episode that the mercer hollow chronicle had released, and he's well aware that maeve's name was mentioned, but he'll act oblivious for now.

[wednesdaynott]

Updated through chapter 18. Chapter 19 will be up tonight! ✨

[alondraxnarvaez]

adria arjona / 31 / cis woman —have you noticed that ALONDRA NARVAEZ is back in town? the HOCKEY COACH is apparently pretty DETERMINED, but SHE can also be a little INFLEXIBLE. SHE is always blasting NATURAL by IMAGINE DRAGONS, as it makes them think of something from their past. i hope the ARIES has a better time here than most. — (enci / 27 / she/her / gmt+1)

PAST

trigger warning: mentions of drugs, alcohol

Alondra was born and raised in Hail, her parents coming into the country a few years before she was born, wanting to live the American Dream and a better life for their family and Alondra's older sibling.

Alondra has always been the jock of the family, interested in every sport she could stumble into, but from a relatively early age she was drawn to skating and then consequently hockey. Her parents were worried for her first, but she insisted and kept insisting until she was let to try at least.

She turned out to be a pretty big talent from the get go and with the dedication and work she put into it, she became the best player in the town - to the point where she had a bright future ahead of her, very strong possibility to becoming professional and going the distance. The American Dream her parents hoped for, embodied by her, and they were so proud.

And then came the accident - it was the typical, boring story. Alondra got her driving license and thought she was on the top of the world until she swirled off of the road and right into a tree. Nobody was involved, she was the only person in the car and she was the only person who got her - hurt enough that her potential career was over before she could even begin it. And she had so much promise.

To say that she didn't take it well would be an understatement. Everything she's never experienced before - alcohol, parties, drugs, sex -, she burried herself into all of them to cope. There was nothing left to keep her from them anyway, why not just go all out. Nobody could really tame her or help her.

In the end her parents and her older sibling managed to do one thing: convince her to apply to college and get out of the town. It was what helped her get her shit together for the most part - the changed scenery, new people, new experiences. She was never really good at academics, she never actually finished college, but it was still enough to come back as a collected person.

Her old coach was getting old at that point, hired her to be an assisstant coach and she worked as one for several years alongside her coach, so close to what she could have had yet so far still. And when her coach retired, she took over and now coached all ages to hockey.

PRESENT

These days Alondra presents herself as somebody who has it all figured out. She went through hell and back and she came out better for it, dedicates herself to teaching the new generation, is personable and bubbling and smiling and tries to live her best life.

In reality, she is still very much thinking about the what ifs and has a self destructive streak about her - if she can make life hard for herself, she absolutely will, whether that means sleeping with a parent of one of her kids she coaches or picking a fight with her own parents about absolutely nothing. She is trying her best, but that isn't always the best tihng she can do.

Dyson Bergeron was one of those she trained and she still hasn't been able to wrap her head around what happened, how could a young life, a young star die so quickly, in such a horrible and sudden manner.

HEADCANONS

She is called Lolo by her family members

She started hiking and running after her accident and irregularly, but goes swimming sometimes too

She is bisexual

When she was 20, not too long into her spiraling, she went on a bender with a woman and merely after a few hours of knowing her, they eloped and got married - it got annuled relatively quickly but there was a time when she wondered what would have happened if it didn't

She ends up falling asleep on the couch more often than in her bed and sleeps better there

Her family owns a little restaurant where they sell traditional Puerta Rican food, most the family recipies the parents knew and cherrished

POTENTIAL CONNECTIONS

People she is training (younger characters potentially?) or the family members of kids she is training

People she grew up with, those who knew her before her accident and saw her after - everyone witnessed the toll it took, but they saw into it in a deeper level

Hiking buddy maybe?

Hook up / exes of any kind

People she maybe worked with in her family's restaurant over the years

Honestly anything and everything, I am down to clown

[sheldoney]

'What is star wars? Is it a rock band?' - Unprompted

"Excuuuuuse me! But have you been living under a rock? Have you been subjected to narcotics most of your life? Have you suffered a recent blow to the head? How could you possibly not know about Star Wars?"

[dqrkncss666]

Phantomhive dancer Ch. 3 ~Let's get over with it, shall we?~

(Guess what everyone!!! I am back!!! As promised to a beloved perhaps-follower-perhaps-not I have continued this storyline for a Christmas present!!! If I complete editing the drafts you will have 1 or 2 more chapters! Enough with my chattering now, enjoy~😘)

Warnings ❗❗❗: Slight mention of drugs and a littttleee bit flirty..

____________

Claudia walked down the stairs where William was working on some small bags in the bar's kitchen. Next to the counter, there were some stairs leading downwards. 'That must be the cellar' she thought, she took a deep breath and walked one step closer.

"Hey Will~" she smiled at him.

He quickly hid the bags under a mug.

"Oh Claudia, what brings you here?" he nervously asked.

"You seemed like a.... very intriguing guy if I may say so myself. I want to know more about you and this place...." she walked closer to him with slow steps.

"Intriguing? I-" he paused with a soft gasp, as she walked even closer looking straight into his eyes.

"May I ask what you were doing?" she placed her hand next to the mug he hid the small bags at.

"None of your business I assure you, my lady..." he nervously grabbed her hand and ever so slowly he pulled it away from the table making his gaze drift off to avoid her blue eyes.

"Oh~ don't look away~ Your eyes are really pretty," she started smiling wickedly to herself as her mind immediately wanted to complete the sentence with: 'But not as pretty as the Undertaker's...'

He cleared his throat trying to sound dominant; well as much as he possibly could.

"Whatever are you trying to achieve by complimenting me, Miss?"

"Whatever could a lady like me, want from such a handsome man like you?..." she placed her hand on his chest "Information about this wonderful... place of yours..."

_______________

Meanwhile, Undertaker was still in Claudia's room waiting for her. It had been twenty minutes from when she left.

The door opened and Claudia walked back in.

"That was surprisingly easy..." she closed the door behind her covering her shoulders again. Undertaker pushed her against the door making her flinch.

"Darling, in need of something?" she smiled at him.

"Come on, you can't just give that other man all that treatment and me nothing... I am such a loyal puppy for you, don't I deserve anything?"

"Hm, we will see how helpful you will be for this case. If you are indeed a good detective I will give you whatever your heart desires." she replied and kissed his cheek.

"Woof" he grinned and slowly walked back towards the armchair to sit on. "Well then, what have you figured out about this little case of ours?"

"They didn't even bother hiding their cellar stairs... They are in the kitchen. There I saw William, probably hiding drugs... We will go visi-"

Undertaker made a hush gesture with his fingers and nodded towards the door.

He counted in a whisper "1...2...3"

Just after he finished counting there was a knock on the door.

Claudia smiled at him in relief and turned around to answer the knock.

"May I help you?"

"Yes if you may... I am new here and I can not find my room door..." a female with curly black hair spoke.

"Isn't Ann supposed to show you around?" Claudia suspiciously asked.

"Ann was busy with William and someone named Johan downstairs..."

Claudia moved her hand behind her back and signaled to Undertaker, she then walked outside and closed the door leaving him alone in the room.

"Allow me to help you then!" she smiled at the woman.

Undertaker sighed in boredom and slid off the chair like a broken puppet.

"Why must work be so harsh? Ughhhh!!!..... I want some puss-....... Damn it 136649... It's the Victorian era, It's the Victorian era..." and by repeating that he disappeared in thin air.

[jossambird]

Unwanted *ahem* is exactly what I ment because when I first saw Volo, I immediately thought 'oh no' and 'he looks like that one guy who would roofie a drink'

OKAY YEAHYEAHYEA THATS WHAT I THOUGHT 🥶

He does seem like that, doesnt he? 🥶

I wont spoil anything but I PROMISE that that doesnt happen in my fic! There might be a passing mention of someone mentioning that, but not it actually happening!

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce: Why do you smell like weed?

Jason: How do you know what weed smells like?

Bruce: I—

Jason: Aha, busted! You're grounded for a week!

[strongermonster]

high as fuck and it's the middle of a thunderstorm so i was outside standing in the rain to enjoy the Sensations as one does, and the neighbours chickens were also out (Worm Time) and let me tell u. soaking wet chickens are unrecognizable as any living animals. when i looked down and saw basically this at my feet in the half dark

i nearly shit myself

[planetary]

25 SHOCKING TRUTHS ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TV SHOWS😱

1. POKEMON - ash is in a coma and the show is he's dreaming

2. RUGRATS - the babies are on drugs

3. edd edd eddy - they died in 1962 (tuberculosis)

4. scoopy doo - theyre on drugs too and the dog cant really talk :(

5. rugrats - angela is in a coma and the show is her dream

6. spongbob - songebob is in a coma and the show is his dream

7. spongebob - spongebob and his friends are the christian hell sins

8. spoinegbob - squidward is heroin?

9. COURAGE THE COWARDLY DOG - it was real it was all real none of that was a dream or a nightmare everything you remember is real

10. rugarts - angela is on drugs and all the other ones are dead

11. jimmy neutraon - jimmy is weird because he is gay

12. fairly oddparsnts - timmy is in a coma and the show is his dream

13. spongebob - sandy is taxidermy

14. higgly town heroes - higgly town is all cannibals and they eat other people and thats why they do that . how could they do that..? my heroes..

15. max & ruby - they are bunny rabbits and thast because thrre was. an apocalypse and max is a real human little boy but there was an apocalypse and his parents died and he's with ruby but he got hit on the head with a steel pipe because of the apocalypse so now he's in a coma and the show is his dream

16. disney aladdin movie - the tiger head cave is really really scary

17. danny phantom died - this one really happened they tell you in the theme song and you can see it happen in blood and gorey detail if you watch that one scary episode that only comes on at 3am. does anyone else remember that episode

18. dora the explorer - dora is on crack

19. faaiely odd parents - the fairies are drugs and timmy takes drugs and maybe goes into a coma for this reason and maybe has a dream that they're his magic fairies

20. caillou - hes bald. this theoru explains that cailiu has no hair because he is bald. and perhaps his parents are nice to him because he is bald. this could also explain why he has no hair (because hes bald)

21. courage the cowarsly dog - courage is a dog and he's in a coma and

22. the magic schoolbus - its magic because the bus was on drugs and then it blew up (becasue it was high) and they all went to purgatory and clones took their place

23. tom and jerry - tom should have been allowed to cook and eat that baby chick. and its fucked up that the show didnt allow him to. me and my friends watched it and we were all clapping and cheering for him to cook and eat it and we were so excited but of course the writers pussied out and didnt let him do it

24. finding nemo - that thing in the beginning didnt even happen but the dad made that story up so people would feel bad for him

25. sponegbob - in the latest season patrick says "Ok boomer!" to mermaid man and barancle boy

CHILDHOOD = RUINED 😫

[corndog-patrol]

and it went down in history as the fattest bong rip of all time

[zibiscusloon]

This mf went and got the crown Prince of Briar Valley high while making omelets wtf is wrong with them

[pileofmush]

luffy is for the sad, pathetic, touch-starved bitches. the ones who shiver at the mere brush of skin. who wince whenever their friends go in for hugs, unsure of where to put their arms. the ones who are so, so aware of their proximity to others. so careful not to brush fingers when walking side to side with a peer, or when handing a pencil to a friend, because they’re sure that one affectionate squeeze of the arm could leave their innards a puddle at their feet, creeping toward the nearest drain.

when you meet luffy, you think he’s one to be admired, not touched. you see the way he infects everyone around him with his reckless abandon. hanging off shoulders and dragging people to and fro. his crewmates are used to it. they scoff and wiggle under his weight for show: for there’s a sense of relief when monkey d. luffy has his eyes on you. you can tell in the automatic decompression of their shoulders, in the languid way they turn to him—saplings curving toward the sun. 

you see it, and you envy it. respect it. respect him. but that’s the extent of your thoughts on the matter.

you never considered that he would turn his sights on you. 

but he does. 

he picks you up like you’re something shiny, holds you up to the light and squints. and whatever he finds must be satisfying, because after that, he doesn’t put you down. 

it overwhelms you, at first. he tugs on your cheek at the sight of a frown, like you’re the one made of rubber, and your heart does a funny jig that’s actually not funny at all. he pokes you in the ribcage to grab your attention, and ignores you when you try to tell him that a verbal cue would work just as well. he grabs your hand, instinctively twining your fingers, and pulls you along when you stop in your tracks.

and you feel—you feel like a puddle. be careful your mind warns, or you’ll slip.

but luffy’s there to catch you when you fall.

and that’s what’s so terrible about him, you think. he’s the question and the answer. 

and he’s burrowed himself under your skin. 

how foolish of him to touch you so casually and expect you not to revel in it. not to crave his pokes and his prods more than you crave air. how foolish of him to drape himself over you like a weighted blankie and not expect you to desire him by your side, always, to keep the cold at bay. he’s a fool and you’re a pauper.

but, sometimes, you think he knows what he does to you. he has to. oh, how he’ll laugh when he catches you staring at his hands. bound over until he’s right in front of you, place a thumb under your chin and tilt until your gaze meets his. his eyes are dark, but so, so bright. you want to look away. you don’t. 

everything is so easy for him. it's unnerving. he plops his head in your lap one day with a carefree grin. you still—hold your breath like a child playing hide and seek. he cracks open an eye, like he can read your thoughts. or maybe he can just feel you tremble.

“what’s wrong?”

you rack your brain for an answer he could understand. “what do you want me to do?” you hedge. 

luffy furrows his brows. “whatever you want,” he says.

“no, i mean—where do you want me to touch?” 

he shrugs. “wherever you want.”

and you feel—you feel like you want to run your hands over every inch of his skin until you have a mental map of his body you could navigate through touch alone. you want to put him in your mouth. you want to inhale him like a drug, want him to burn the back of your throat 'til it stings. you want… him. 

you settle for caressing his jawline. tracing the slope of his nose. his eyes flutter shut, and you pause, but he grabs your hand and plants it firmly on his face. and it feels, it feels like you’re the question and he’s the answer. it feels like maybe, just maybe, you’re okay with becoming a puddle of a person, for him.