#not being aro myself i may get some things wrong

[rexismycopilot]

I just wanted to share that reading about the small influences Qui Gon has had in Obikin's lives are making me so warm inside. I identify as aroace and a common struggle in the community is the loneliness that comes as friends start getting less available due to things like marriages or kids. It makes me so happy to see an aromatic character who still has deep connections that aren't romantic relationships and the maintained deep relationship with engaged/married allosexual friends. It was a great reminder that family and love is beyond what mainstream society's definition of bloodties and marriages.

🥺 Oh, Anon. I'm so glad I could give you some happiness and connection with a character in my fics. In a slightly different sense, I understand what you mean about friends with different "identities" (for lack of a better word. my brain is fried right now lol) becoming more distant. I mean that in the sense that my partner and I are childfree and plan to remain that way and now when I have friends who start families, I typically rarely see them ever again (and not for lack of trying). Their priorities change and I understand that, it's just hard.

I have a lot of love for the friends that have stayed with me and it might not be mainstream society's definition of what usual "love" is, but dammit, I love my friends! And I say that to them a lot!

Thanks for your kind words and I hope your day/week/life is going well! You deserve the love you want to have!

[notherpuppet]

Do you think there's a right and/or wrong way to handle QPR? I know it's a tricky relationship, but it feels like most/some people kind of just slap the label onto a ship while depicting the ship as just romantic/having no difference with a romantic relationship. (this is why I was a little surprised when you said you do radioapple qpr when it reads a lot more like normal romance). Not meant as an attack or anything on anyone, just genuinely curious more than anything. Again, tricky relationship

So Imma put this link to info at the top of this post: https://taaap.org/2022/07/16/qprs-part-one/

Alright, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's exactly what it is. One small bit of perspective in a mass of many people who experience QPRs in their life and/or are on an aro/ace spectrum. I also have NO QUALIFICATIONS on gender/sexuality theory, so my opinions are shaped by what I've learned and experienced personally. While people may identify with the same term, we are all still individuals with our own experiences. Words can help describe a phenomenon, but it doesn't make everyone who identifies with the word into a monolith.

So I've stated a few times that I navigate shipping Alastor similar to my own experiences as an aroace person. (I guess I'm sharing about myself with this post, but I think that can be helpful to just spreading awareness of an "alternative lifestyle"). So I'm romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed LOL but I'm also "positive" about those things. Like I view romance and sex as lovely, fun experiences people can have, but I've never been into it personally. It's fun for me to consume media about romance/sex, but yknow, it's also fun for me to consume media about violence or isolation. Doesn't mean I want to experience or engage in any of those things lol.

Anyway, I'm a huge people person and I love to party and yknow it seems most people are really wanting to fall in love or fuck or whatever pretty much all the time, but especially at parties hahaha. Normally, I'm pretty touch-averse, but I love dancing so much and it's a blast to dance with a partner (salsa especially!! i don't care for grinding for probably obvious reasons). And to connect the two previous sentences, people (whatever gender they are) would be very kissy-touchy on the dancefloor. Which i honestly dont really give a fuck about hahaha. I don't really get anything out of kissing but I also don't mind it. I just like to dance. It's all a pretty superficial--but still genuinely fun--experience for me.

When it comes to my deeper or more intimate connections, I have had friendships that have felt SO on the line of what was viewed as a romantic relationship. They were exceptional friends and we connected on a level that was deep and true, but it wasn't romantic. Sometimes we'd slow dance, sometimes we kissed, and it rocked. But it wasn't more than that, it was all that it needed to be. I didn't want more and neither did they (except one situation and so we had to stop being friends lol whoops). From the outside, people would even refer to us as partners in a half joking way, but we really were just friends. And I love those friends!! And a huge part of what made those relationships (which at the time were described as 'situationships' because we didn't know any of these terms haha) was their convenience. We either lived in the same building, worked together, or were neighbors LOL. I'm still friends with those absolutely lovely folks, but we don't live around each other, so our QPR just appears a lot more like any ole regular friendship. But it's not like there was a feeling that we transitioned into something different than before. It twas what it twas! (Had to take a pause while I was typing to reminisce fondly for a second, okay back to hazbin hahaha)

SO, whenever someone asks or it comes up, MOST OF THE TIME I do ship alastor through an aroace lens and experience with QPRs (specifically, MINEE because they were fun and I've never felt like doing this before I met a character like Al). And my XP is: "this isn't gonna be a partnership and we ain't fucking" LMFAO. so yeah!

When it comes to using a queer term like QPR, I just hope folks are considerate in their writing, but I also am inclined to just believe them if they say that's their intention because QPRs can look very different. Again, aroace and ace folks are not a monolith. The terms help to describe a human's experience. I'm inclined to think people are writing in good faith.

And all this being said, I want to just emphasize that I really don't think it's necessary to consider any of this shit if you want to ship a fictional character. I understand wanting to be protective of a character who shares an identifier with you (I personally don't wanna see romance/sex with Al in canon). But shipping is a fun thing a fandom does that often does ignore canon. Tale as old as time. I don't think anyone needs to be beholden to canon when they're writing fanfiction or having fun. If we did, I would have like--5 artworks on this blog hahaha. These characters are like dollies, do whatever you want. It's cool if people don't like it and I think it's cool if people do. It's just not that serious. There are ships I'm not particularly into or dynamics that I am not enchanted by, but whatever. I can just scroll or close my eyes.

TLDR; shipping in fandom doesn't need to be taken seriously at ALL. It can just be fun way for someone to play with fictional characters they like. That being said, I think it's good practice to use queer terms thoughtfully.

[genderqueerdykes]

in honor of aromantic spectrum awareness week, i thought i'd take the time to talk about how much my personal life and feelings improved after coming to terms with the fact that i'm aromantic. before i accepted this, i found myself in several romantic relationships where i was deeply unhappy, uncomfortable, and made to feel like i wasn't a good enough partner because i just couldn't do or feel certain things.

i've never enjoyed kissing, and cuddling gets uncomfortable for me within the first few minutes of doing so. even hugs are deeply uncomfortable to me unless i really know and care about someone, and even then, hugs only come when that person asks for them. it never occurs to me to touch people this way, the most you'll get out of me is a pat on the shoulder, back or knee.

i ended up dating several people who were very much romantics, and heavily focused on that aspect of our relationship. it kind of felt like torture to me, i felt like i was being forced to live every day like it was Valentine's Day- every day had to be filled with hours of cuddling, kissing, and telling the other person how much i loved them. while not all romantic partners are like this, it wore on my psyche quickly to be paired with folks like this, because i understood how important it was to them, but i just couldn't keep up the performance.

i thought something was "wrong" with me for years and that i just wasn't in touch with my emotions, or that i was somehow embracing some toxic aspects of my masculinity without realizing. it took me ages to remember that i came out as aromantic when i was much younger, but after criticism from my friends, including a friend who was asexual, i stopped identifying with the label, because i was told that aromanticism wasn't real, and that that just made me an asshole.

nearly a decade and several uncomfortable romantic relationships later, it finally clicked that there wasn't something wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the situations i was getting myself into. sure, i love being partnered- i have a queerplatonic partner that i've known for a decade and have only gotten closer to over time. but we've never been romantic. we don't exchange romantic platitudes, and i realized; i've never been happier with someone else than i am with this person.

why is that?

oh. because they don't expect romance from me. they are also on the aspectrum and don't have a romantic partner, either.

this relationship has brought me more joy than any romantic partnership i've ever attempted to pursue. that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me- i was just looking for happiness in the wrong places. i was miserable not because i'm aromantic, but because i was getting into romantic relationships.

romance can be a source of misery. romance does not inherently make everyone happy. we are not all looking for romance as a species. in fact, chasing it makes many people miserable. too many people spend their lives looking for "the one" that they can kiss, cuddle, hold and say all of those mushy things to when they may not even want that to begin with.

i've never been more at peace with myself since finally, fully accepting that i'm aromantic. i love who i am, and i love how i love. i am not loveless, i experience platonic, queerplatonic and other forms of love. but loveless aromantics aren't miserable, either. we are all embracing ourselves in a way that's true to us. we are refusing to warp ourselves to a society that tells us that we all must have homogeneous feelings.

i am aromantic. i am here. my aromanticism is queer in a society that expects and demands romance of me, and this is true of all aromantics, cis, trans, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, and otherwise. we are here, we are not going away any time soon, and we will not be silent because our identities make some people uncomfortable. we are happiest being who we are.

happy aro week, this goes out to every last arospectrum person out there, appreciate yourselves this week. you deserve it.

[queerian]

in response to the call for discussion on stone identities

prompted by last week's stream with @drdemonprince and @testdevice

this post is about sex and it's very personal! feel free to ignore if very personal essays about sex from your internet friends or strangers is not your idea of a good time

What does sex look like for you, and what brings you the most pleasure or gratification from it?

It starts with a sensory warmup. My partner touches me gently and slowly in a way that wakes my body up to pleasure. I do not get aroused without either being touched this way or thinking about some extremely specific niche freak kink shit. I tend to be nonverbal during sex, unless I need to break "scene" and communicate something specific purposefully, but sometimes it's hard for me to find my words again. Even without speaking I am very expressive. My partner can tell from my reactions when an escalation would be enjoyable. They use their hands and toys. They are very good with their hands, and we have a LOT of toys and other paraphernalia. I had never had an orgasm, at all, in my life, til we did things this way. It is an intense physical pleasure extended to far longer than I can manage by myself during solo activities, sometimes for hours. It allows me to stop my over-analytical thinking brain for a while and sink into sensation and feeling and being in my body, which most of the time I feel disconnected from (thanks alexithymia!) or troubled by. I do think of it as a somewhat meditative state. This kind of sex is also extremely collaborative and intimate. There is a huge amount of trust and being "in tune" with each other.

Is your stone identity related to sensory issues, neurodivergence, or trauma?

All three! I was never coerced into sex by individual partners, but "sex positive" culture (if you were with me you'd see the face I make while doing the scare quotes) has been coercive enough to traumatize me into believing that I am a bad person if I don't "give as good as I get" and that I'm a terrible person if I don't want to reciprocate stimulation in sex. I've been working on this one for years. It still has its claws in me.

Sensory issues make certain sex activities unpleasant or not enjoyable for me, and I appreciate now being able to choose to not do them. For example open mouth kissing. I like kissing skin in some body places, I like having some of my body parts kissed, but I do not like sharing saliva or breath. I've always been very picky about what goes in my mouth for sensory reasons, and that's not just a sex thing. On the other hand, other kinds of sensory stimulation in sex can be extremely pleasurable for me. I also tend to keep my eyes closed the entire time (I avoid eye contact at the best of times but in sex it's uhhhhhh even more Too Intense) and this lets me sink into other sensory experiences more intensely.

The neurodivergence bit I think is pretty clear from everything else I've said in this piece of writing.

How did you figure out you were stone?

I once turned to aceness as a way of trying to validate myself at the same time as problematizing my own lack of "appropriate" desire. "It is it wrong of me to not want to touch someone's genitals, whatever they may be, to not want to get them off, to not even let them get themselves off using my body, and it's wrong of me to not desire them carnally, to not be obsessed with and fulfilled by them romantically. Thus, I must be ace and aro, because that means it's okay to not want all that sometimes or all the time."

I've come to call myself a "stone bottom" in a deliberate effort of self-acceptance and self-validation. I was long aware of the idea of a stone top, a touch-me-not, someone who derives pleasure and gratification from getting her/their partners off but does not want to be fucked or gotten off. I don't recall seeing anyone else identify as a stone bottom, but as a mirror image of a stone top it makes perfect sense to me: someone who derives pleasure and gratification from being gotten off, from being touched or fucked, but does not want to get their partners off. I think I've only ever seen that called "selfish" unless it was in a power exchange scenario and part of dominance and submission.

Are you a gay man who identifies as stone, or a stone bottom, or some other identity that's less often talked about?

I'm non-binary/agender and generally perceived by society as a woman. I have a vagina. I've only ever had sex with people who have penises. I feel like it's pretty unusual for me to be a person with a vagina having sex with a person who has a penis and the penis is not involved at all in the sex. With previous partners, it's not just that it was expected that at some point they would be sticking it in me, it's that I never got to opt out of someone else using me, even gently, lovingly, and with attention to my pleasure. See aforementioned cultural trauma, lol. Reciprocation simply was not something I could abstain from without being a Grade A Asshole. Back then, I didn't even "actively want to not reciprocate". I wanted to be "good, giving, and game", like Dan Savage wrote you should be in his column that I read in my hunger to know more about sex and be having it a "correct, right" way. I wasn't yearning to be a stone bottom. I didn't know that was even an option. I didn't know it was possible to be a pillow princess and to have a partner that enjoyed this kind of sex, for it not to be a chore or imposition on them, and for this kind of sex to be a mutual sharing of intimacy.

Plenty of people buck the stereotypical straight cis sex scenario of "man (penis haver) does a little "foreplay" for the woman (vagina haver) to get her ready for the main event (penis in vagina), which they do til he ejaculates, and if she's lucky he'll eat her out or rub her clit and she might also get an orgasm." There's a thriving counter-culture where "reciprocal sexual gratification" is emphasized, all sorts of books and guides and tips and porn showing how important it is that "she comes first" or whatever, but most of it still centres around the point that "reciprocity is essential to not being an asshole". If he's an asshole for not appropriately tending to her pleasure, surely she would be, too, for ignoring his. And I really, really strongly internalized the belief that if I am not reciprocating, I am an unforgivable asshole. There's something, too, about the lack of "balance" that has long made me feel morally incorrect. (Points again at the neurodivergence.)

Is it a struggle to get partners to respect it?

I have not dated much, and I have not fucked much, mostly because I did not want to do either of those things enough to do less interesting or more tiresome things in order to achieve sex or dating. I also rarely experience what I'll call "sufficiently motivating attraction". I currently identify as nebulously "somewhere" on the asexual and aromantic spectra, and this is inseparable from the stone bottom/pillow princess situation. All of this is also wrapped up in my one ongoing relationship with my partner. I honestly don't know how differently things would be with another partner. I suspect I have facets that come out in different contexts, in response to different people and my feelings about them. What I do know with confidence is that my partner respects me, understands me quite well, and we communicate openly and frequently about things. I trust that if they have an issue with the current situation, they'll bring it up and we can talk about it and work on things. I trust that every time we have sex, they're initiating because they want to just as I can decline if and when I want to. I particularly appreciate the fact that I don't have to be an object of desire. That they can enjoy making me feel good, and it's not about "having" me. The very fact that someone just wants to make me feel good, over and over again, is pretty mind-blowing.

[tetitous]

Everyone, I have done it.

So, the post about Yugo and queerness in Wakfu is a 3 parter due to my use and abuse of pictures. You'll be able to enjoy part 2 here, and dw I'll add one at the bottom too

First, I would like to preface this by saying that, while I do believe they didn’t create or write Yugo with the idea making him queer in mind, I do not think the creators made things unintentionally either. What I think they actually wanted to do with Yugo, was to have a character that felt as gender neutral as possible, in order to make him relatable to the show's originally young audience, without alienating girls or boys. A character not leaning too much one way or the other.

But as such Yugo is a character that can be read within a queer lens without that much of an effort. I know a lot of people on this site hc him as on the aro and/or ace spectrum, some degree of nonbinary and in my specific case as genderfluid bi/pan, and I'm even considering possibly intersex.

Wakfu also happens to be the kind of show that, whether intentionally or not, just finds itself to have a ton and a half of queerness in it: from simple implications to actually out queer characters, the world depicted in the show is a diverse one, in that sense and more.

That’s why I genuinely think that it's not just random readings that come from fandom's typical queering goggles, I think there are elements in the show that do help these readings, precise elements as well as elements that need a little more digging.

So here's what this post aims to do: to find those elements and compile them in as clear a way as possible. Please do take into account that I am very easily prone to reaching so if you don't see it, that's totally fine, and I may end up structuring things in very chaotic ways, but I am doing my best.

I decided to separate my writing between the gender elements and the sexuality elements, with a listing format. One element, one dash. Since I am french and don’t know much about the english translation, I’ll be illustrating everything using screenshots as reminders, and will be adding some small notes and quotes translated by myself when needed. Well then, let's get started!

The gender category, or as I'd like to call it "this could have been an email- but make it about a trans character":

Yugo's name: first, this one is 100% due to a fic I read that made me reflect on a very interesting fact: in s1ep1, when Alibert finds Grougal's message, Yugo's name is never mentioned.

During that scene, he’s only called “this child” and “that small one”

What that means, given that Yugo's name has been "Yugo" since previous lives, is that either Alibert somehow picked the right name on first try, or, more logically, that he didn't. That Yugo got called another name for some years, until he got old enough to correct them.

And you would think the argument stops there, but in s2ep12, a character gets openly deadnamed and mocked for it by literally everyone, saying "his real name is…". There is one exception to this,

Yugo, who never mocks him and says "It’s not because your parents named you… ", which is a very interesting nuance in phrasing. It implies that, while to others the name their parents chose is a "real" name, an immovable fact of life, to Yugo it is a choice made by others for them, that can be wrong, that can be changed.

Yugo's relationship with femininity (and masculinity): Have you ever noticed that the Brotherhood of the Tofu very frequently separate themselves with gendered terms? You’ll often hear Tristepin and Ruel call Amalia and Eva “the girls” and Eva and Amalia call them plus Yugo “the boys”. Prior to the OVAs Yugo only does so in one episode, s2ep21, the one episode where he's magically seduced into being aggressive towards "the girls".

“You are so strong and smart, right guys?”

“If you aren’t happy you can go with the girls!”

Prior to this, Yugo never really plays into gender roles, and after it will be mainly due to his aging process, which we will discuss.

Yugo seems to treat socially gendered activities as if they weren’t, I believe it is also noticeable with his relationship to heroism, though that one can only be inferred in contrast to Tristepin's former very strict hero/princess binary viewpoint.

(Here I would have put an exception about the OVA and him admitting he always wanted to save a princess, but given that in the most recent manga the term is used as a pet name for him I guess I’ll let that one slide)

During s1ep4, Yugo crossdresses and not only is he comfortable with that fact, not only is he the one who came up with the idea (although Amalia gave him an unconscious push), he is thriving in it.

Look at the joy on his face upon putting a bow on.

I feel the need to remind everyone Yugo is 12 during s1, an age at which young boys are definitely aware of a gender divide and typically reject girly stuff like the pest.

Back to the Boufbowl episode once more, in s1ep10, you may have noticed Ruel calling being a cheerleader “being the girls”, and while Yugo may be on the bench as a substitute, he does participate in cheerleading right in the next episode.

Two three very motivated children and their unconvinced chaperone.

Actually he is the only character in the Brotherhood of the Tofu to be a cheerleader during both Boufbowl arcs.

His outfits are also not strongly gendered, especially compared to Tristepin's chest-out s2 design or Eva and Amalia's early short skirts, his most gendered character design might be his adult-form one, and even then, when compared to Nora's, you’ll notice Yugo is only ever wearing the same thing as her with added details (royal details?) and his own color palette. My take is he’s actually meant to look like the Eliatrope goddess, with his cape reproducing her hair.

S4 teaser Yugo because we don’t have a clean pic of his s4 design, and I did my best for Nora.

Yugo's aging process as a metaphor for transness: as we all know, from the OVAs until the last quarter of s4, Yugo is a young adult trapped within a child's body. He gets mocked and infantilized on the regular, his status as king belittled. The only thing that he maintains some form of respect for is his status as a hero. And you can tell it is weighing him down. For one, this body is an obstacle to his relationship with Amalia, not just due to the eyes of others,

"I grow slowly whereas she, she became a queen, a woman...", with the implication "and I'm not a man” or “I don't pass as one"

but also due to his own degrading self-perception.

“Let’s see who’s small!”

(notice how easily he gets tickled by a simple comment on his size, how the mere notion of his body being revealed becomes reason enough for violence in s3ep7).

Yugo gets angry and violent, a lot, and more than is typically expected of him.

“I tried thinking like Yugo, I’m sure he would have preferred this to the hit-you-in-the-face method.”

“Dear little brother, I don’t know what happened to you these last few years, but I don’t recognize you anymore!”

A result of trauma, sure, but if you're like me you may have noticed how turning into an adult made him feel very… relaxed, suddenly. In a way that can be compared to the disappearance of symptoms of body dysphoria with people who go through a process of gender-affirming transition.

As an aside, his s3 design really makes him look like he's wearing a binder, in addition to the turtleneck that would hide the absence of an Adam's apple, the look is very transmasc.

That one particular art of him is what really marked me, because of the slight shade under the chest. Doesn’t mean it is a binder, just means it could look like one.

Yugo's Eliatrope hat as a metaphor: There may not seem like there is much to say, but the fact is that this hat was very mysterious for a very long time. If you were part of the fandom before the s2 finale you may have been theorizing on a forum about what was going on behind that hat (I was on the "a second pair of ears but these are shaped like cat ears" team, but still slightly unconvinced), and you knew that there wasn't anyone more curious about this than Nox.

“We may finally get to find out what you hide under your hat.

-Even my friends never forced me to tell them!”

was a very iconic line, one that definitely could remind people of the infamous "what's in your pants" question.

Well the Brotherhood was curious as well, but mostly respectful and patient with their friend.

It was clear that there was discomfort with that part of him that he refused to reveal, so much so that he probably never washed with any of his friends. When they would hang around for days, when the girls wouldn't care between each other (and neither would Eva and Pinpin between each other, wink wink), when they would all sleep together, Yugo probably would still never take it off in front of them.

Overall my point is just that inthe rare times the hat gets discussed, it just doesn't sound cis.

the Eliotropes: they're coming back in the sexuality section, dw.

But, as Yugo himself says, they are "versions" of himself. The interesting question now is "in which way?" Since they are not "past versions" of him, and since they seem to "inherit" some of his personality/physical traits, I do believe them to be an expression of his own fragmented sense of self. Some of them may be men, as a reflection of his own perception of himself as one, but then some may be women for that same reason, and well some are women, some even are canonically enby.

Character on the far left is enby and character on the far right is a woman. Obviously Echo is not an Eliotrope.

One could even go as far as considering these traits can physically express themselves only because Yugo's anatomy reflects them, and in that case we can go into not just a gender reading, but into an intersex one. Pushing further into it, Yugo, being their creator, effectively gave birth to them, and as such they call him father, but the act of giving birth itself is typically associated with the feminine, sowe could argue that Yugo’s position is both one of father and of mother.

Of course they also have physical and mental aspects that are separate from Yugo, like none of the ones we met are the same sandy blonde as Yugo is for example, but the ambiguity of the existence of the Eliotropes is and will always be a matter of "where does Yugo end and where do they begin?".

A little question mark for the road: In OVA2, as a joke, Rubilax “reveals” that Tristepin was actually a woman all along. This is a sample of everyone’s reaction:

1st, Amalia is so bi it’s insane, but that’s not my point here. Yugo’s reaction being of absolute shock, even more so than Tristepin himself always had me wondering what was going on in his head. Through a queer lens it remains just as hard to read through, so my personal take is that Yugo is amazed at how male-“passing” Pinpin is, so much so he may think “You mean to tell me I knew that guy for years and never realized he was trans too?!” I don’t know, I’d love to get some feedback on that one.

That first section was 2 pages-long without the pictures, so let’s take a tiny break and enjoy some Yugo cuteness as a breather.

Just the cutest. He doesn’t even need to try.

part 2

[damnfandomproblems]

Fandom Problem #4680:

Outrage over shipping (or lewding) canonically aromantic and / or asexual characters.

I definitely understand the frustration of people just refusing to recognize or acknowledge their identity, since there's so few of them already. But i also see a lot of inflexibility in NOW aro / ace people are viewed or expected to behave. (Mostly either naiive and childishly innocent, awkward quirky teens, or cold robotic and unfeeling). And being aroace myself I rarely see any that actually resonate or feel compelling. Not to say those can't exist ever or that aspec people who ARE happy with them are "wrong" in any way, but I wish the perception what or how an aro / ace person can be wasn't so limited (and honestly---boring).

More of my characters than not are SOME flavor of aspec and all of them have very, very different ways of experiencing it. (And it's not all just "for the representation!!" they just feel natural to the characters and a lot of them are experiences I personally relate to) This includes:

a clout-obsessed social climber who uses relationships as a way of getting what she wants and to boost her ego, and nothing more

someone who's obsessed with the IDEA of romance and really really WANTS to fall in love with someone but it just never happens

someone completely repulsed with sex and romance althogether

an asexual person who wants to try it just to know what it's like but that's all

a sex worker for whom sex is quite literally just "showing up to work" for her, not awful or traumatic or anything, mostly just kinda boring

an aroace person who is so codependant with someone (who's allo) that they basically just form a relationship (along with all the things that usually go with it that the ace person doesn't mind going along with for their sake) I guess what people may call a QPR but that's not a term I personally like to use or find any use for it's okay for others though

someone who's still figuring themself out who hasn't really landed on any specific labels but also isn't really stressing on it that much

someone who takes longer to realize they're aro because for so long what they assumed were romantic feelings was really just feeling flattered, so thought they were "in love with" anyone who was nice to them

aliens whose anatomy includes no sex organs

And sometimes, characters are hot. And characters that are hot get shipped with other hot characters, often with no rhyme or reason other than "hot". Regardless of their canon sexualities. It kinda just comes with the territory of fandom.

(And again I'm really really tired of people using us a a shield to hide their ship hate and sex negativity. Seriously, don't.)

[nyxsealia]

When I was 17 and trying to figure out what the heck my sexuality was, the main, if not only, piece of advice I found online, even when I directly asked people, was to go out and experiment sexually with various people and see what gender I enjoyed sex with most. And years later, that still seems to be the advice most of us give when someone is trying to figure out their sexuality. And there's nothing wrong with doing that, and if that's what helped you, great. But I do think there's issues with this being the most prevalent advice.

There are a lot of reasons someone may not want to do this, various personal or religious reasons, comfort levels, a lack of interest in sex, not experiencing much or any sexual attraction, or simply being too young for this to be applicable.

I found the advice unhelpful for many of the reasons I just mentioned, and it left me feeling lost on how I was supposed to find out what my orientation was. It also left me with thoughts like how can I be a part of queer culture if I don't want to experiment sexually or be sexually active? Even looking at articles with advice on dating as a queer woman I saw bullet points like "It's okay to have sex on the first date!" there was so much emphasis on how it's okay to have very active sex lives that it left me feeling like if I didn't want that, I'd never be able to have relationships because there'd be an expectation of sex right off the bat. Don't get me wrong, sex positivity is important and we shouldn't shame people for their sex lives. But I feel like we don't don't talk about not being into that kind of thing enough.

I also didn't know at the time that I was asexual, and while I'm sex neutral and open to the idea of sex with a trusted partner, I don't have any desire to seek out sexual relationships. Not experiencing sexual attraction made figuring out my attraction a thousand times harder. I still don't know if I'm bi/pan or lesbian. I do refer to myself as gay or lesbian in some instances, but sometimes I say queer or just shrug and say "I like girls" or "I'm not straight" and some days I'm okay with the vagueness of that, but other days I feel the stress and pressure of having to pick an identity in order to have a community to belong to and be accepted. That stress and pressure doesn't get better when all the advice I can find on the subject just tells me to have sex and that'll clear everything up.

We put a lot of focus on finding out exactly "what" you are. And I don't think sex is the best way to do that. Lots of people have varying interest in sexual or physical intimacy, not just queers. My cishet friend told me she got a boyfriend but she wasn't entirely sure if what she was feeling was romantic, and that the idea of kissing made her uncomfortable. She doesn't identify as ace or aro, and she shouldn't have to. People can have a lack of interest in these things without a lack of attraction.

Another issue with this advice is that sexual and romantic attraction doesn't always line up for everyone. You may enjoy sex with all genders, but find you only have a desire to date one. So sexual experimenting wouldn't necessarily answer the question for you. Orientation is really complicated. I did mostly consider myself lesbian, but I occasionally find men aesthetically attractive, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if I'm actually bi but still feel uncomfortable using the term.

All this needlessly long and ramble-y text to say, this advice is simply useless to a lot of people. And while I can't speak personally for this part, I'd bet at least some people who enjoy sexual experimentation still weren't sure of their orientation at the end of it. This advice shouldn't be presented as the one size fits all solution.

If you're uncomfortable or uninterested in figuring out your identity this way, there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with not knowing. You don't have to know right now, or ever if you'd prefer that. It's okay to use vague terms. It's also okay to use whatever label feels closest even if it's not perfect. And remember, you're not locked into anything. You can always change labels.

There is no right way to determine your orientation. Everyone discovers themself in different ways and at different ages. It's not a race or a checklist. The most important thing is to be kind and patient with yourself and whatever you do to figure yourself out, be safe.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas :) My younger sister is 22 and recently told me that she’s in a queer platonic relationship. I already knew she was aro so this isn’t surprising but i’ve been trying to understand her identity a bit more so I can help give her advice when she asks and stuff (cause she often came to me for advice with romance stuff and I even helped her find the label aro, which she now identifies with) but I feel a bit bizarre walking into queer places as a straight girl cause I hate to take up a place where people go to be comfortable around others like them. So I didn’t know who to ask. So i’m asking you :)

I don’t really understand queer platonic. I don’t want to know if my baby sister has sex and I don’t care whether that’s her thing or not, but I don’t know the right terminology.

Is her queer platonic person her partner? They were already really close friends, so are they more than that now? Is queer platonic another way of saying bestest friend to ever friend? She said they got together very recently (she was excited to tell me) and so… should I have noticed? Since she said she’s aro, I know she doesn’t get crushes, or want to date, so I stopped thinking about that in regards to her. Was it sort of like a crush except without romance? 

I know I could ask my sister but we’re pretty far from each other right now and it feels like the sorta thing to ask about in person, she speaks a lot in body language my sister, and so it’d be nice to know what she’s feeling I guess, or how I should treat their relationship going forward. 

Also since it’s a relationship, i’d quite like to get to know her partner, but I don’t know if that’s usually within the boundaries of queer platonic (I do partly know them already, but we’ve never met IN PERSON before). 

Also, I assume since she called it a queer platonic relationship, calling it a friendship is rude? Cause it’s not a friendship, it’s a relationship. 

I don’t know how much of it I should understand, you know? Cause obviously it’s her experience and not mine so there’ll always be a part of it I don’t get. But I feel like I don’t get enough of it yet. 

She often comes to me for advice and I expect she will more often now she’s in a relationship, she doesn’t deal with conflict very well and likes to call me to calm down sometimes.

I don’t know whether my advice should change now it’s a relationship. I also don’t know how her dynamic has changed with her partner? 

Also, and I really don’t want this to sound rude, but can I call what they have love? Cause they do love each other, just not romantically, I think. 

Anyway, I don’t fully know what i’m asking. Just if you having any insight into queer platonic relationships, please tell meeeee :) 

I’m super happy for my sister and already psyching myself up for correcting my parents when they use the wrong terminology for my sister and her partner. Oh that reminds me, is there any terminology that I might accidentally use that’s wrong? I assume like “romance”. Unless they can have romance, just not romantic feelings? 

Yeah idk, have a lovely week Cas ❤️ Thanks for reading my questionsssss

Hi hon!

Honestly, I don't have a ton of experience with queer platonic relationships, but I'm gonna do my best to help!

From what I know a queer platonic relationship is what it sounds like, basically. Two (or more) queer people who are in a platonic relationship. They may be partnered, meaning they sort of...belong to each other, ig? Belong isn't the right word, but I'm hoping you get the idea. There's love there, but not romantic. Sometimes there's intimacy, but sometimes not. There's variation there, which is why it's hard for me to answer your questions.

I think the thing is, a lot of these questions, I wouldn't be able to answer even if I had a lot of knowledge. The reason for this is because being aro can be a spectrum. Some aro people like a bit of romance, some like none. Some like physical intimacy, some don't. The questions that you're asking right now are amazing questions, because they show you respect your sister's identity and you want to understand how she feels. You're asking the right questions, but I really think you need to ask her.

I would start by saying something like. "Hey, you told me about x. I really want to understand because I love you. Is it okay if I ask some questions?"

Odds are, she'll be up for answering. Most queer people WANT people to want to learn. Then, ask away. These are all good questions and none of them are inappropriate imo. I think once you know the answers to these, you'll know how to give advice, too.

Remember that it's okay to not completely understand. But asking questions and working to understand means the world to most people.

And if she doesn't want to answer questions? Just be accepting. Roll with it. Try to learn by observing.

But I need you to understand that like...if someone came to me and was like, "I have questions about your gender, can I ask?" I would cry of happiness. So odds are your sister will be willing to answer.

You sound like an amazing person and I hope you ask your sister all of these things, because it sounds like you're exactly the type of sibling everyone deserves to have <3

Naming you qpr anon!

[harrowharkwife]

camilla or pyrrha for the character ask meme!

THANK YOU EMMA FOR GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT CAMMMM MY GIRL.... CAMILLA DARLING

favorite thing about them: where do i even fucking start. her skill, and strength. her wit, she's so goddamn funny. her resolve. her bravery. the quiet ferocious intensity with which she loves and cares about people. as tragic and troubling and fucked up as it is in canon, i find her perennial tendency towards pair-bonded dysfunctional codependency to be. ALARMINGLY relatable. i love her flat affect. i love her observational skills- she's clever, and perceptive. i may or may not have an enormous crush on her. i love her loyalty and devotion. i love (read: hate) her tendency to deflect any and all important personal questions. i love that she doesn't let go. i love her love for spreadsheets and sharp knives and sensible shoes and sketching. i love her impeccable bedside manner. i love her and her letters and her cassette tapes and her fuckass bob and her smile that makes the earth want to marry her and i love her slate-clay eyes and her laugh. i love that she fought like her heart had already exploded.

least favorite thing about them: i mean, with camilla this question is really more of a "most concerning things about them," isn't it? her codependency, her lack of individuation and independence, her refusal to develop her own identity and exist as her own person. which, like, from one autistic bitch to another, girl i Get It. if i could get away with making myself a satellite accessory to another person instead of having to figure out how to be a person myself, if my society had groomed me to do exactly that from birth, yeah, i would probably do the same thing. being a person is fucking exhausting. but it's also so, so worth it, and it breaks my fucking heart that cam never had the chance, and that the people in her life by and large never encouraged her to really try. we do see pal pushing her on it a little here and there from time to time, and i appreciate that, but it was clearly never enough to stick, y'know? i hate how self sacrificing and selfless she is, i wish fandom at large would talk more about her depression, i want to give her wellbutrin and a hug and therapy.

favorite line: too many to choose. life is too short and love is too long. i don't let go, it's my one thing. sure, it's a nice handkerchief. i think there's another teaspoon full of blood in here somewhere. camilla hect fought like a grease fire. the cohort has taken the rest of him away and i don't know where they've put him.

brOTP: gideon, though i am a lover of the cam/gideon agenda! also nona, and palamedes.

OTP: dulcie, but i also love campyrrha, in like a mutually sorrowful toxic cathartic cav4cav grief sex sorta way.

nOTP: idk that i have one? i'm not really into cam/corona the way some people are

random headcanon: autistic like i mentioned earlier. i think she'd love cats

unpopular opinion: personally speaking I'm not a shooter for the aro/ace cam agenda, though i don't have anything against it!!! I've definitely seen it done in fascinating and lovely and compelling ways before! it's just not how i personally interpret her, but i think that's literally just a personal grudge on account of being an autistic woman with somewhat flat affect, and having seen fandoms Immediately jump to hit every serious-mannered, autistic-coded woman character that has flat affect with the aroace headcanon stick Immediately and at first blush without interrogating the potential stereotypes and assumptions behind that choice. not saying that that's what people are doing with cam at all, just that it was a general pattern i was observing across fandoms- honestly i see the logic behind it with her, and i don't think it's a "wrong" way to interpret her at all, i think it's perfectly founded! but unfortunately i am just projecting on her and she got caught in the crosshairs of me deciding i had Had Enough and that it was time to draw the "let autistic women fuck" shaped line in the sand and take a political stance 😂 you understand. aroace cam truthers are some of my most beloved comrades in arms. peace and love on planet earth

song i associate with them: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS HOUR! BY KILO KISH. see also: butterfly net by caroline polachek, true blue by boygenius, my friend by hayley williams, ***look at me now by caroline polachek,*** francis forever by mitski, the body is a blade by japanese breakfast, crude drawing of an angel by caroline polachek.

favorite picture of them: im on mobile and also stoned outta my gourd so I'll rb this with some art tomorrow!

ty emma!!!!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[otomedetective]

Aromanticism and Otome Games

I am an aromantic who loves otome games. It may seem incredibly contradictory, especially since the common perception of otomes is that they are wish-fulfillment games for people to insert themselves into a story where they date attractive men. There's definitely nothing wrong with playing them in that way, and many people get a lot of enjoyment out of them, but that isn't the only way to play an otome game. In fact, many otome game players prefer not to self-insert at all and I’m one of them!

My personal experience being aromantic means I do not feel romantic attraction to anyone, and I do not desire or need a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled in life. I’m perfectly happy with my platonic bonds and my perpetual singleness! That’s how I experience it, but there are many different ways to be aromantic, and there’s no one universal experience that defines how all aromantic people live their lives. Some are repulsed by romance and its overbearing presence in nearly all forms of media, and others are comfortable seeing other people experience romance despite not experiencing it themselves (though these, of course, are not the only two groups). I personally lean more towards the latter category. I love romance stories! 

For me, playing an otome game is like watching a romance movie where I get to decide who the heroine ends up with. It's like a shipper's dream! I don’t self-insert because I am not comfortable putting myself in romantic situations, but by observing a fictional couple, I can safely explore the romantic plots and experiences that interest me. And let me tell you, I love a good romance plot. Especially one with drama.

A comparison I like to make when people don’t seem to get it is that I also really, really love murder mysteries and tragedies, but I do NOT want to actually experience them myself. What I want for a character and what I want for myself are two completely separate things, so there’s really no contradiction! 

In fact, playing otome games was a big part of my aromantic journey in the first place. I never had crushes as a kid that weren’t forced or peer pressured. When people talk about the characters in their childhood shows that they had crushes on, I can never relate. To me, there were only interesting characters and stories. I’ve never really wanted anything more than that. 

So when my second-ever relationship ended and I was wondering whether I really felt romantic attraction at all, I decided to try otome games. 

I chose Collar x Malice as my first game because, as I mentioned earlier, I am a huge fan of mysteries and tragedies, and the premise intrigued me. Then, throughout my exploration of various otome games (and as I quickly became hooked on them) I tried some games with less developed heroines, specifically made for self-inserting, and found that I couldn’t handle them. Separating myself from the heroine helped me enjoy the games more as I realized that I didn’t actually want to be in these romantic situations myself, but only wanted to enjoy the story.

So what was the point of this whole post? I guess just to share my own personal experiences as an aromantic otome-lover and address the contradiction. Otome games aren’t necessarily mainstream-popular, but they certainly have their dedicated fans, and I’ve really enjoyed the interactions I’ve had so far with these fandom spaces. 

Sure, the primary focus of the games may be pretty boys who you can date, but otome games can also be so much more than that! It’s a genre I’m glad I decided to try. 

I’m happy to be an aro along for the ride to read some good stories, puzzle out the right route choices, and look at some aesthetically pleasing character designs along the way! :)

[aromantic-diaries]

Hello, I wanted to start by saying that I really appreciate your blog and helpful posts about your aro and ace journeys 💚 I’m doing some soul-searching and questioning myself and I found your “list of things that imply you may be aro” post very helpful in figuring things out. I was wondering if you had a similar one concerning being ace? Thanks!

Hi! I'm glad you find my blog helpful, I haven't made a post like that for being ace but I do have a few personal experiences that probably resonate with other aces

Let's get the most obvious one out of the way. Never found anyone sexually attractive in my life at all. In my experience I only really had a vague idea of what was "sexy" and it was only ever what I was told was sexy, not what I found attractive. I found people aesthetically pleasing at best and have never felt drawn to another person's body

Another obvious one, I've never met anyone I wanted to have sex with. No one ever sparked that in me

When I was younger I didn't think sex was something people did out of enjoyment. It always sounded like a chore that you had to do

Since I thought I would eventually have to have sex, the idea of it felt extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to put it off for as long as possible because I just did not want to go through that

Sex as a concept sounds like a good time but I hate the idea of me actually taking part in

I only ever felt what I thought was sexual attraction to musicians I liked. For most people it's fictional characters but for me it was rock stars. Same thing in the sense that it's towards someone who you know is out of reach

I never related to people who were openly horny. Don't get me wrong I think sex is natural and no one should be ashamed of wanting it but at the same time I'm just completely disconnected from it

Don't know if this is an aro thing or an ace thing but I've never wanted to kiss anyone either. Doing it with my mouth closed seemed like something I could put up with (it's not. I don't want my lips to touch anyone else's) but with tongue? I'll pass.

[witheredsnow]

I'm unsure how to tag this. But oh well. I can't say this is strictly of an aroace thing. It could be for anyone, really. Hence the vague way of writing. I wonder if you guys think this is too vague tho. Well, all of my works are written vague because interpretation is welcome in any of them.

Anyway, I write these themes (being aroace, friendships, and growing up with things changing) because fiction make it seem like it would hurt less. So I write for myself and share. Tho I think this will be my last work in regards to being aro ace. In a while, maybe. Thanks to whoever was curious to read this. And thanks @random-potato-mil, you may be a random stranger but I appreciate your words. I appreciate everyone's words of my writing even when it's like this. -Rei

Being alone, a short story

I won't be alone. And even if I was, I won't be lonely

That's what I would say whenever someone tells me otherwise.

Because... Why would I be lonely?

Do I not have them?

Will I not have you?

...

.......

Maybe I will not. But I will deny it for as long as I can.

....

Did I ever tell you all that my time with you guys felt so precious? They were moments amongst many others that filled my cache of memories that I would place near my heart. Then with it, I go to sleep awaiting the next day to fill it again some more.

I know... I'm being sappy again. Getting more often these days.

Mmm... Hm? Odd? Me, being sappy?

Maybe, maybe...

I feel my mouth trying to uphold that easygoing smile on my face. It's getting harder these days, I won't lie. And I hate I know why.

No. I shook my head when asked what's wrong. I'm afraid if I said out loud, it'll come true.

...

Time really is moving too fast. I know I used to complain back at school that time couldn't be even slower than it was.

I wonder when did the pace of time change. I wonder when did I start minding it so much. I wonder when did the passage of time felt like a dreadful thing to think about.

... Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. It's not everyday I get to be with you all. Or... Even one of you. Not in recent days, atleast—No! That's enough of that.

This moment, them being here, us, all of us right here and now.

I will ignore the twinge of an ache of the past and the distressing uncertainty of the future.

Yeah... The here and now. With you guys.

I grin back when I'm asked why I'm quiet once more. Well, new era, new me?

You all laughed at that. Time must be bringing in change if I'm turning... quieter-ish.

..... I could not join in with the laughs without thinking that... Time really is bringing change—That's enough ruminating.

...

......

"Won't you be alone?"

"Aren't you worried that you'll be lonely?"

"You'll just be by yourself in the future if you keep this up."

Oh yeah? Well, mind your own business.

Why do these unrelated people have to keep telling me that? To remind me of this 'fate' of mine?

Even... My own friends.

No, no. I won't be. I will not be. I still have you all. I'm not socially deprived, not a hermit in the middle of society. Right?

...

I am not alone.

....

I'm not.

....

The streets are teeming with people. Varied lives walking past me. The only intersection of my life with theirs is an occasional brush of the shoulder or the awareness of someone in your way that makes your body either stay in trajectory or skirt around.

I'm just one of many.

Hm? Right. Some of these people are in groups of atleast two. How nice.

Me? By myself these days, as obvious as it could get.

Am I alone?

Yes. Right now.

...

......

I've also been alone for a while.

I know. I admit it's lonely.

.....

Life sucks.

.....

......

........

Beep!

....

Sometimes you can't help but feel like a mismatched—or perhaps, not-matched soul in this world.

Sometimes you can't help but feel like a step-down of a someone.

Sometimes... You can't help but be the outlier.

....

Beep!

....

But sometimes life doesn't suck so bad because despite it all, there are times when you don't have to feel that way.

So yeah, I can feel lonely... But I'm starting to be okay even when alone.

....

Beep!

I smile to myself as another beep sounded. They're being impatient again for me to reply.

Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking to myself again. I'm typing, aight? Give me a sec.

A bit later, a fond chuckle made its way out of my mouth.

It's been a while, huh?

....

......

....

"See ya later!"

"Take care. Bye for now."

"Come by again."

"Next time, yeah?"

Of course, even if it's not always.

[aroaceconfessions]

Tbh i get so annoyed when people think they speak for all aroaces. Even just aros and aces separately. I feel like im going about my identity all wrong when i find joy in aro/ace nonhuman characters. Like im hurting someone by just enjoying and seeing myself in specific tropes with aro/ace characters. Like when an aro/ace character rejects any sorta romo/sexual confessions from an allo character, and it becomes an angsty trait for the allo character - I've lived that irl as an aroace person dealing with allos, and it makes me feel seen when that shows up in stories.

I hate being made to feel like i aint being aroace right all because some other people, or even majority of people, say that because these things make them uncomfortable or have hurt them, then theyre bad and shouldn't ever be used in stories. It makes me feel like im being told that i shouldn't be seen or heard in the community, because it makes things too complicated

I hate it and i wish people would cut it out,,

Submitted May 21, 2023

[infiniteorangethethird]

hey! sorry if this is weird but would u mind explaining what being "loveless" means? like in the way people say "loveless aro" or "loveless apl" etc

Heya there, not a weird question at all! However I do wanna preface this by saying that other ppl in the community might have different experiences with the term than I do, different reasons for identifying with it, so just keep in mind that as almost everything, being loveless is a spectrum and others might have slightly varying definitions of it.

I'll give a shorter, more generic reply, and then a longer explanation of my own relationship with the word, hopefully it'll be enough to paint a picture to anyone new to the term. (If not, feel free to ask follow-up questions! I love talking abt this stuff lol)

In general terms, loveless is pretty much what it says on the lid. The LGBTQIA+ wiki describes it as someone who "is in some way disconnected from the concept of love, does not feel love, may doubt that they feel love, or rejects the idea that they need to experience love". Basically, someone who doesn't feel love, or feels it in a way so disconnected from how other people seem to experience it that calling it love would feel disingenuous, wrong. Ppl who identify as loveless are usually reclaiming a word that has been used against them so many times - essentially saying "actually I don't feel love (the way society expects me to) and that is okay".

In terms of my personal experience: from what I can have seen, when people say they love someone, what they mean is an emotional desire to be with someone - to spend time with them, to talk to them, to make them happy, make sure they are safe and well. You get the gist. The important parts to consider here are the fact that it is an emotion, and that it is directed at a person/concept, not the actions surrounding that person/concept. It doesn't matter what you do or what the other person does, you want to spend time with them, even if it would need you to do or try things you otherwise wouldn't even think about doing. (The trope of "going to see a movie you hate but your loved one loves" comes to my mind.) You don't desire the actions, you desire the person, so to speak.

And this is exaclty the thing I don't experience. When I spend time with people, I do it with the expectation that I get something out of the interaction - a good time, help or support, a listening ear to my current brainrot, whatever, which I "pay back" by offering my support, my help, my listening ear when the other party needs it. I am not drawn towards people but rather experiences - and if those experiences involve or are made better by involving others, it matters little to me who those others are, so long as the experience itself is not ruined. It's always so strange to me when people go into things they don't really enjoy just to appease someone they love - if you don't want to do it, then why do it when someone else wants you to? And even more so: why do you want to spend time with someone when every interaction you have with them makes you unhappy, makes you suffer? ("They sometimes treat me badly but I can't just stop loving them" is a sentiment I hear a lot and don't understand at all.)

But most people don't view relationships as exchanges of goods and services, and have an expectation of this emotional drive from the other party. This emotional drive is what I'm missing, and this lack of drive is the reason I choose to call myself loveless. It might be tempting to assume that I choose to not feel love, that I am deliberately distancing myself from people, but trust me: I've tried for many many years to force myself to love others, but emotions don't exactly work like that. Me calling myself loveless is accepting that there's an emotion others experience that I don't, and that it's okay to not be able to feel love. It frees me of the expectations I have been putting on myself for so long.

I hope this helps answering your question 😊 other loveless ppl feel free to add onto this, the more thoughts shared the merrier!

[cicadaboy808]

Introduction post!!

Hello! My name is Cicada (He/They), and this is a blog where I talk about being a cicada! I am very new to my alterhuman identity/the alterhuman community, so please correct me if I get any terminology wrong or have any misconceptions. I do not know what specific labels I fall under (therian, otherkin, etc.) so I am just going to call myself a cicada. 

Update: After doing some research I think I feel most comfortable using the term otherkin!

What am I?:

I am a superb dog day cicada trapped inside a human suit. The only difference I have from most cicadas is that I have antennae on top of my head. They are green, alien-ish, cartoon looking antennae. (Those are the phantom limbs I feel the most aside from my wings)

(Photo above is of a superb dog day cicada with green antennae lazily doodled onto them)

Why did I make this blog?:

I looked at various alterhuman communities on tumblr and didn’t see much representation for bugs. I wanted to change that! I also only found like… one or two posts for cicadas. 

I also wanted somewhere to document my journey as I explore my alterhumanity.

And I thought this would be really fun! I’ve never had a blog where I’ve posted, and I think it’ll be really fun to scream into the void! (If I mess something up please be patient! I’m still not sure how all the mechanics work.)

Some things about me:

I really like music! Two of my favorite bands are Ghost and My Chemical Romance.

My favorite colors are black and green.

My favorite foods are strawberries and chicken nuggets

My favorite drink is root beer

My favorite shape is a star ☆

Some things to note: 

I get a lot of anxiety being in the public eye, so I might not check up on this blog from time to time, and may not respond to asks very frequently. If maintaining this blog becomes too anxiety inducing for me I may turn off asks or delete this blog altogether.

I do not have a DNI, but if you are disrespectful/make me uncomfortable I will block you. Those I would recommend to not interact are queerphobes, as I am transgender and on the aro/ace spectrums. Those who have bug phobias, because I will be posting pictures of bugs. Also people who don’t believe in alterhumans. What are you even doing here?

I am a minor, so please don’t be weird!

I am looking forward to getting to know you all, and I hope you have a wonderful day! 🪲💚

(The photo above is of a userbox. To the left is a photo of a superb dog day cicada. The photo is bordered by neon green. The rest of the userbox is a pastel green, and there is text that reads: This user is a cicada!)

[edited for grammar/spelling]