#sad and drained and exhausted

[whimsical-roasting]

Jamie as quotes I relate to (sad ed.)

inspo credit for such a series by the amazing @mr-ghost-face

[tezriaetho]

suic1de has been heavy on my heart lately

[lostmf]

[lost-ang3l]

ℋℯ𝓇ℯ 𝒾 𝒶𝓂 ．𝓃𝒾𝓃ℯ𝓉ℯℯ𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶 𝓃ℴ𝒷ℴ𝒹𝓎 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓃ℴ 𝑔ℴ𝒶𝓁𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓁𝒾𝒻ℯ．

[betweenmee]

It feels heavier than it seems

[twentysevendreamer]

I wish I wasn’t so damn sad

[wild-rose3090]

I'm not a whole person

I never will be

Parts of me died in the place I called home

Not a home, but a tomb

For the person I could have been

Instead of this loveless husk I've become

Angry at those who failed me

I've learned to embrace my anger

It's shown me so much

That my mistreatment is unacceptable

I deserve compassion, kindess, and love

But when you're not fed love as a child

Later you will lick it from knives

[tezriaetho]

idk as the days go by the urge to hang myself is getting stronger

[moonchildsthoughts]

Mary Oliver, Long Life: Essays And Other Writings

[otakubimbo]

The Rabbit and The Wolf

Are You Happy Now?

You thought you got your happily ever after?

MDNI. MATURE CONTENT.

Ch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

master list

yes i am aware that i Perfume: The Story of a Murder my way through the Chunnin exams but like its fine <3

You remembered the smile that you had on your face as you walked back through the gates of the Hidden Leaf, something to you was funny recalling the feeling of the laughter in your chest. The kids get sent off to go home, having been part of a completed mission that they didn’t know was taking place. You and Kakashi giggling back and forth like teenagers as you go to report to the Hokage. The Third Hokages face was plastered in your mind as he interrupted you from giving your mission report, pausing in confusion at the interruption. His words starting with “your sister” and everything else sounding like static in your ears. Your sister. Your sister was dead. The only family you had left was dead. But she was doing so well before she died, the words fell from your lips with an unamused chuckle as you looked over her cold body. She couldn’t be dead; she was making a turn around. She couldn’t be dead.

The next thing you remember is sitting beside her husband, people walking up to the two of you to give their condolences. It was only the two of you, her husband, and her sister. Your eyes dead as you sat there, people saying how much they loved and appreciated your sister. The things she put in motion even while she was hospital ridden had people coming up to give their condolences. She was truly a saint until her last day. Her funeral passing through your eyes just like the time before you got there.

Now you were in your house, there was a knock on your door that you heard but couldn’t move to answer. A voice outside calling for you, the voice sounded concerned, worried even about your health and safety. But you couldn’t, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t answer the door for the concerned voice. You hadn’t even cried yet. The tears for your sister hadn’t even graced your water line. It was just emptiness at this point. She was the only family you had left and now she was gone. She was gone and you weren’t even there for her final moments. You can remember her husband talking to you, hugging you through the whole ordeal, visiting you even afterwards. The words that he said to you going through one ear and out the other. It wasn’t like you didn’t try to listen, but every sound was silent, it was as if you couldn’t hear anything but the voice in your head saying how she was gone.

You didn’t even know how long it had been. Your hands were placed in front of you, covered in blood. As you look around, you see the bodies, looking down to see yourself in your Anbu uniform. You were on a mission; you were killing but you don’t even remember. You don’t know how you got there; your brain has been on auto pilot for so long. Then it goes out again, the next thing to bring you back was Sasuke standing in front of you, he looked sad, he looked like his brother.

“I’m leaving to get stronger” his words hitting your ears as you just stare at him. You were sitting on your couch; he was in your house. There was no recollection of how he got in there or even how the conversation started but he was telling you that he was leaving. Your brain puts together the pieces, processing all the events that lead to the moment that he was in front of you. The empty shell that you had been, finally responded to something for once was an automatic response.

“Please don’t leave” your voice says in such a small whisper that you thought he didn’t hear you. But he paused at your front door, turning back to you realizing this is one of your few and far between conscious moments.

“I’m sorry.” was the last thing Sasuke said before he left your house.

In all that time, Kakashi was checking on you, of course but you just weren’t there. You were a husk of yourself, and it was as if you weren’t even a real person anymore. The Hokage still sent you on mission even with the concern that Kakashi had about your mental state. Your body moving on autopilot completely missions like the skilled ninja you were. Even as Kakashi worried about you, your only responses were how you were fine. There was nothing wrong with you. You were handling your sister’s passing just fine. There wasn’t anything wrong with how many missions you were taking. There wasn’t an issue with how you were pushing yourself. Your lack of concern for Sasuke didn’t really bother anyone that you knew about. Everything was regular in your mind. There was nothing to worry about. You were fine. You were fine. Yet, Kakashi’s concern for you grew and grew. It was worse than when the situation between the two of you happened. It was even worse than what your father did when your mother died. He could see that you weren’t really eating, he could tell that you weren’t sleeping. All you knew was to complete missions and then get the next one. The issue with Orochimaru and the Akatsuki coming to the forefront taking you away for spy detail that kept your mind off of anything else.

It wasn’t until you came back from a mission, in your mind thinking that everything was good and fine, that you collapsed at the gate. Your body having been through so much with no rest, no nourishment. It was driving on just your willpower and it finally gave out. Two and a half years, you kept going like that for two and a half years and finally your body just gave out. Of course, the intel you received on your mission was imperative, so your hospital room was monitored at all times. You were the Hidden Leaf’s finest, a machine that didn’t need anything but a new mission. Everyone knew that the Third was taking advantage of your grief, but you didn’t allow anyone to stop you. Every intervention brushed off without a second thought. Again, claiming that you were fine with the weight of losing your sister and Sasuke leaving in the back of your mind. You had pushed and pushed and pushed through until your body and mind couldn’t take anymore and you just collapsed.

As you sit in your hospital room, ninja placed outside your door to keep you in, the intel you had already discussed to another Anbu to relay to the Hokage your mind starts to wander on being there. The hospital reminded you of your sister, but you weren’t trying to think of that. The only thing you wanted was to get out of there, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to leave until they cleared you, they would track you down before they let you on another mission without clearance. Your back was turned to the door as you stared out the small window that didn’t hold much of a view. You had decided to just take a nap until you heard a voice.

“You know, you’re more dramatic than your father. But at the very least you’re still here so maybe you can pay me the money he owed me.”

taglist: @smarsd @ferretsqueen @yellowflashof-theleaf

[lost-ang3l]

ℐ 𝓌𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝒾𝒹 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝓈𝒶𝓅𝓅ℯ𝒶𝓇 𝓈ℴ 𝒾 𝒹ℴ𝓃𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓋ℯ 𝓉ℴ 𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝓎𝓈ℯ𝓁𝒻

[moonlight-alexia]

i may not be good at much but i’m great at pushing people away :)

[pixie1111]

bro i hate it i want to be happy with people who make me happy

[tezriaetho]

should’ve taken the chance to unalive myself

[wild-rose3090]

We are not the same

Your perception of our shared encounter,

The lies you tell yourself

I embrace the anger, the pain

Learning to grow from the hate

You hide it away

Pretending like it never happened

While you hurt those around you

Because your soul still bleeds

[lost-ang3l]