#sorry I’m venting so much y’all

[wow-an-unfunny-joke]

Wow! Me? Venting again????? Who could’ve guessed???

So I’ve realized that I’ve got a thing about bandaids, as in I need to ‘earn’ my bandaids. I don’t know where I got this false scarcity from but in my head I can’t just use a bandaid Willy-nilly it needs to be bad enough to deserve a bandaid, so I either leave my cuts uncovered, go deeper than I meant to, or do way more than I meant to, all because I need to earn my bandaids.

[cadaver-moss]

Drew these in the middle of a panic attack 2-ish weeks ago.

I thought the stark contrast between feeling watched and hating on Usher was really funny looking back on it

[ihearnocomplaints]

I have been listening to This Song on repeat today.

I honestly can’t tell if the DCA would play this for someone or if someone would play it for the DCA but it just really makes me think of them.

In my feels today, boys (gender neutral)

[micma]

[dykesynthezoid]

Deadly combination of two ppl living together is one person who never wants to make their mental illness symptoms somebody else’s problem, even when they really should be making it somebody else’s problem bc they need help, and the other person is someone who will not stop making their mental illness symptoms everyone else’s problem regardless of the consequences

[theheadlessphilosopher]

-

[victory-cookies]

.

[blueyedgrass]

Wow posting art here is kinda miserable!

[somebody-already-took-this-url]

Just read over 1 million words of a fanfic series, (it’s not even complete yet) and I am so fucking. Mad. The main character HASNT HAD ANY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT SINCE 80k WORDS IN??? Why have I actually wasted full days of my time with this story. Why.

I only started the fic series IN THE FIRST PLACE because the last two fics had a pairing I was interested in, and I felt like I should read from the beginning and not just start near the end of the story. But Oh My God I have wasted so much of my time. My eyes are strained for NOTHING. grrrrrrr

[heartshapedcaskett]

I really need some good old fashion distraction today. I’ve been up since 5am which is normal for me especially on work days. But I went back to sleep and woke up about an hour ago. I’ve been so upset today and yesterday. And I just don’t know what to do about it.

[tvrningout]

i’m home and we are gonna write some fluff but gimme a minute bc this day took it out of me despite it being short 🥲

[nautilus-that-eats-hyacinths]

Can someone please tell me what about me makes people not want to be around me please please please

[hop3wrlds]

shameless vent time bc i’m not in therapy nymore when i should be: but i am so sick of hearing ppl say i hav sm potential n that i’m "gnna do great things" when clearly i am absolutely incapable of that . what good does ~having ideas~ or ~being well spoken~ do if i can’t be successful where it counts ? "you’re gnna do big things seriously" … HOW if i can’t get through the day w out having a panic attack ? if i still can’t get my academic life together ? i’m nineteen & horrified of asking for help — i can’t break out of the self sabotage cycle . so TELL ME why any of that "you have sm potential" bs matters . being mediocre is eating me alive . i cant amount to anything . i should’ve never had dreams or ambitions .. pathetic .

[seraphicalsuccubus]

I just wanna make a post because I’ve gotten tons of worried asks about my absence and wishing I’m okay and everything (and I will answer them I promise, I do really appreciate y’all checking in on me). but this is going to be a LONG post so if you’re actually gonna read it, strap in babes.

anyways, my life has virtually become a dystopian hell and I’m not kidding you. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel like I’m under house arrest because I’m just not allowed to do fucking anything anymore. I pretty much cannot leave my house, not even to get groceries. I cannot ask my roommate to pick up anything for me on her way home from work because she bitches about it and makes some excuse not to even if it’s something I desperately need. I haven’t had a single human interaction with ANYONE even my former best friend/roommate since the end of January until this week when I just fucking lost it and vented to my aunt and had her get me a dispensary order because I can’t leave my house to get one myself anymore and she came to hang out and spend some time with me and talk about everything for a couple hours. and that’s the bare bones of what’s going on. there’s so much fucking more piled to it but I’ll just give you the gist of it. I literally told my therapist that if I didn’t get the fuck out of here soon, I will probably slit my wrists and bleed out in the bathtub. like if I cannot run away and escape all this shit, I will be leaving this house in a body bag because I honestly just do not know how much more of this shit I can take.

I have been so unbelievably stressed. I have picked every tiny cut, scratch, ingrown hair, pimple, everything that could be picked open, into huge gaping wounds all over my legs and specifically, I had two tiny cat scratches on my stomach from one of my cats kneading on me and not being too gentle with her claws, and i picked those TINY cuts into gaping wounds bigger than the size of dollar coins. two of them. right next to each other. they were so bad that I thought they were legitimately going to get infected and cause me problems. but they’re finally healing and starting to scar because I HAD to bandage them. like if I did not bandage them and change the bandage twice a day, they would have become infected and been a huge problem. that’s how bad those two specifically were.

not only this, but I have also PICKED A FUCKING BALD SPOT ON MY SCALP near my widow’s peak, but thankfully it’s on the side my hair flops over from so it’s covered. but it’s still there and it makes me horribly insecure and I don’t know if it’s like a scab that’ll eventually fall off and something will grow back from it or if it’s a scar and I’ll have this bald spot forever to be insecure of and self conscious of all the time. literally only time will give me the answer to that. but I am fucking 26 years old and have picked myself to PIECES and BALD SPOTS due to stress. I am literally falling the fuck apart.

and not only that, but I was just informed that I need to be conscious and aware of the fact that I may have fucking lupus because two of my dad’s sisters have it (one confirmed diagnosis and the other a suspicion but that’s enough of a reason for me to be worried about it) and I’m too terrified to get tested or whatever to start the process of getting that diagnosis. like the one thing I’ve always been so fucking afraid of is having an autoimmune disease and my fear of that may have fucking manifested one fucking for me and I’m really struggling with the potential that I may have to deal with that, along with my other health issues and mental health issues and shit.

I just. I have been going through a REALLY rough fucking time. and I am sorry, I am so sorry for the lack of posts or explanations or not answering anyone’s asks or messages aside from the two people I talk to daily because I just mentally cannot handle conversations through all this shit, and for making anyone genuinely concerned about me because of my absence and shit. I wish I could say you shouldn’t worry, but honestly, I’m incredibly worried about myself and that reason alone should scare anyone that knows me because I’m NEVER worried about myself. I’m sorry. I wish I could say I’m okay and I’m thriving and my lack of presence on here was a GOOD thing because I’m doing well and not thinking about social media, but it’s not. it’s a very bad thing. I don’t leave my bed every day unless it’s to take care of my cats. I can’t remember the last day I actually ate a meal or even a snack. the only hydration I get is like the 3 sips of whatever I use to take my meds every morning and night. I have no drive to create content so my income has dropped SO dramatically that I am barely scraping by to pay my bills. I haven’t gamed. I haven’t caught up on any of the shows I was excited for and watching before all this. I haven’t done laundry in god only knows how long and I’m literally running out of clean clothes to wear. I literally only brush my hair before I get on FaceTime with a friend or my boyfriend, otherwise it’s a knotted mess. I’ve showered to clean my body because I feel disgusting being dirty but I have not washed my hair since I had these extensions installed. I do not have the energy to wash this much fucking hair right now. and do you know when these were installed? February 12th. I have not washed my fucking hair in over a month and I feel so fucking repulsive because of it. my hair is my pride and joy. I have such expensive quality products for it. I take care of it. I love my hair. and I cannot even find the energy to wash it when I’m already in the shower just to wash my body/face because I just am so depressed that I can’t even find the energy to do it WHILE ALREADY IN THE SHOWER. I usually go 7-10 days without washing my hair to prolong the life of my extensions and my hair dye and shit because my hair doesn’t get greasy quickly or dry so I can push it that long and just do like body wash/skincare showers in between. but it’s been over a month. over a FUCKING MONTH. since I’ve been able to find the energy to just wash my fucking hair even when I’m already in the shower. do you know how pathetic that feels?

I’m sorry this was such a heavy post. for anyone that actually read through it, I’m sorry. I’ve been internalizing a lot of this shit and this isn’t even the icing on the fucking cake. this is the bare minimum of what I’m dealing with. it’s so much more convoluted and fucked up and abusive than I’m explaining on here and I’m sorry for venting about the things that I did. but I’ll leave it there. I won’t get into the rest.

if you read this far, I’m sorry for taking up so much of your time with this long of a post just to get shit off my chest. I hope you’re having a really good day, or that your day gets better, your weekend goes well, and that you have some good karma headed your way. I wish you all the best. thank you for listening. I appreciate it. 🖤

[silvershiningtarot]

💭♥️😘PAC 18+ What are their thoughts when they dream about you?

*Take what resonate and take a five second to breathe and don’t just look at the pretty pictures. Trust your intuition.Reblog and comment. ENJOY! 💋😊♥️*

Pile1:

• When they dream about you, the first thing that goes through their mind is that you have mother issues or you don’t get along with your mother like that. I heard them say “I wanna keep you safe.” They think that you could be the one for them, you might be their high vibe soulmate. You two are highly connected to each other. They think that you and them will have awesome chemistry together especially when they are dreaming about you. I heard that they’ve been dreaming about you, they’ll never wanna get out of their dream when they are dreaming about you. Haha 😂 They'll wanna marry you in their dream, So will you marry them? Getting on one knee just pops the question, they think that you are their wife or husband. You can be their mentor or they are your mentor when they are dreaming. Helping you with your issues with your mother for some of you. They think you are childlike, so kiddish you are, seeing themselves having so much fun with you. You probably are goofy, have a goofy personality, probably an extrovert. Probably loves to play video games or watch Disney movies and do the dance moves or sing along. Haha I can see them enjoying that with you. I heard them again “You bring out the kid in me.” They think that you are their beloved, their queen or king and their goddess or god. I can see them being your biggest fans. They want you to keep an open mind to them or they wanna keep an open mind about you. I heard that they’re searching for you in everybody else. You should let go of control, if you are a control freak then you should let go of control. Can’t control every situation or anything just flow. That’s what they think about you when they are dreaming, especially in dreams let the dreams unfold to you. I heard that they wanna come to you but some of y’all minds are too busy and you shoving them away, it’s not your fault because I understand some of us have busy life or stressed out 😰. I believe that your FS is sending you signs about these red flags 🚩 in your dreams and they wanna send them to you but I believe some of you is pushing them away. That’s why it’s saying let your friends, family or someone help you. I heard them say to you in their dreams “You are so guard, let me in let me in.” I think that some of you should listen to that song by Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball. In their mind they believe that you are the one for them, this could be the one for me. If you have supportive friends or family for some of you, let them help you. Most of you if you have supportive family or friends if it none then let the universe take control.

Channel Message: “Baby listen to me, I’ve admired you so much. It’s like I can’t explain how much I wanna tell you that I love you, when I dream about you it’s like my whole world exists again. It’s been foggy 😶��🌫️ in my life it’s like can’t see shit until I saw you. I miss coming to your dreams. Do you miss me? I fucking do. I am coming towards you soon, I’ve been social media fronting maybe I am or kinda I’m sorry I’ve been going through a lot of bullshit left to right, I need see your face, you give those butterflies 🦋 in my stomach. You my heaven to my hell. I’m going through hell now, I’m frustrated, I'm sorry I wanna vent to you real quick. Whenever your ear ringing manifest me or manifest your Twin flame, Woah 🤯 I can’t believe that came out my mouth. Baby if you are my Twin Flame then manifest me come in believe baby! Believe. Think positive anyways. Our past life repeats over and over again. Ugh!! No!. Tie Me Up babe get that frustrated out of me, I want you to be my Shawty!! Please , Do you like it when I beg for you?🤤🤤 Mmm 😋 thinking of you being pregnant fucking turns me on hard. Sloppy Toppy on me 🤤 I wanna go deep in you hard you bring that fire 🔥 in me fucking you hard hard!. Rough sex you until you are out of breath, I want your nails on my back. Okay I’m sorry I can’t control myself when I talk about you … Mmm 😋 Juicy you are. We were Past Life Opps but I don’t give fuck if we were enemies before you ain’t my enemy anymore, so let me be your boyfriend, you got any sexy nicknames for me, cuz I got plenty in my mind if you wanna know. Here’s a song I wanna do with you.”

Pile2:

• The thoughts about you when they are dreaming of you. Is that you are their Romantic 💘 soulmate, you are their best friend, they trust you and they can tell you anything. You understand them and they understand you. It’s like you two get along in the dream with them. They think that you are an entertainer, probably some of you dances, do comedy or just a bomb ass performer. Again!! They think that you are their soul teacher, you can be their mentor for some of you or most of you they are your mentor. Spiritually growing with them. Haha 😂. They think that you’ll love having sex in the kitchen or maybe that’s your fantasy lol 😂. Or there’s fantasy’s to do with you. Your FS thinks that you are fear of being alone, probably scared of people leaving your side or I can heard them say “Don’t be afraid or scared I’m right here with you.” So I think that they think that you are fucking animated, you make them laugh in their dreams just way you explain things you just animated as hell. I’m also getting that they believe you are dramatic, but so what so am I. US DRAMATIC PEOPLE!!! Anyways they can sense that you’ve been trapped inside your own bubble too scared to get out of your comfort zone. Or some of you can be rock and rolls 🎸🎸🎸. Play it! Thoughts about you when they are dreaming about you is that, you should love yourself first before anyone else including them. Or when you start loving yourself more, it makes them romantically attractive to you more. I heard them saying “Fucking Stand Up for yourself, Embrace that sweet voice of yours.” So that’s exactly what they are telling you to do. They are attractive to you when they are dreaming about you, because in their eyes you are so beautiful. Also you are very playful, so goofy I swear when you are around them, you are animated as hell. Very soon clearly decide what you want beauties. Have faith and trust this is yours and that’s what I got from them, thinking that you have trust issues, you doubt a lot. Don’t feel like you deserve this and that’s exactly what their thoughts are. Pay attention to those red flags 🚩 surrounding you. Be cautious about what’s around you. Free Yourself whatever baggage’s you got holding you back.

Channeled Message: “The moment I saw you, you fucking blew me the hell away, it’s was like love at first sight. Soon your phone will be ringing, it’s me pick up!. Get away from it and get away from those bad people who hurt you or anything. I love working with you, it’s so much fun and I can’t wait to work with you again and collaborate with you again. That’s shit is fucking fun!. So when I dream about you it’s like a dream come true, I wake up with you in my mind and even daydream about living with me. I know it sound fucking crazy. Am I crazy? Can I be your little pet? I’ll do anything for you. We are already married spiritually, so we just have to make it 3D, so let's make our love fantasy come true babe. Let me make you smile, until you can’t smile no more until we go on with our next life together. I know it isn’t fair I’ve kept you waiting but isn’t fair to tell you to wait for me but can you wait for me, this is destiny and I wanna make love to you, I feel so romantic with you, babe you make me happy. Let me do that for you. You are a runner, I'm a chaser, I love a challenge. You are so hard to get and that turns me on even more and it scares me moving forward sometimes. I want your help please help me baby. I trust the shit out of you, plus I want you to come and play with me for a little while. Do me a favor please? Don’t forget me or don’t give up on me especially Us!! Can you promise me that, I don’t care if you fall in love with someone else as long as you promise you give us a real chance. 5D We are married no matter what. That ain’t going to change my feelings for you. I gotta song for you to listen. When I think about you or dream about you baby. Keep your head up sexy, I’m coming in your dreams soon pay attention to it.”

Pile 3:

•Their thoughts while they are dreaming about you, is crazy 😜. They sense that you can be a traveler or you love to travel a lot. Love to learn about the cultures, backgrounds of your ancestors and discovering truth about your heritage lines. I heard them saying “Love your knowledge.” So they’ll love that you are so smart even if you aren't book smart, you'll be educated enough to discover the truth of your heritage and your experiences. Anyways they know that you are their romantic 💘 soulmate, you’ll their best friends again they trust you with anything, even if they are dreaming about you they feel safe in that dream. They think that you are afraid of being alone, similar to pile 2. They think they have a soul contract with you, it’s been written between you and them and you're meant to break this curse by family, Friends, or just karmic people who you have karmic with. It’s destiny between you and them and that’s it fate. They are thinking that you should stay optimistic about your love life with them, because you need to release this ex of yours not just an ex but family, friends, or siblings or whatever the case may be needed to let them go. You deserve love, that's exactly what they are feeling… YOU DESERVE LOVE!! you deserve their love 💕. I heard them say, “Let me be yours,” let me be the love of your life.” They have romantic feelings for you, it’s real and it’s worth exploring with you. That’s exactly what they are feeling. It seems like your partner is very passionate about you and feels heavy when they are dreaming about you. For some of you I believe this is your soulmate. They think that you and them have good chemistry together. You two just match. Oh. Yeah for most of you I believe this is your twin flames 🔥 as well.

Channeled Message: “You’re perfect to me, the moment I saw you in my dreams I didn’t wanna come out. It’s like I wanna tell someone about you, but my friends make fun of me when I tell them about my dreams about you. They don’t think you are fucking real. Maybe they are right? Or am I just delusional, you are just in my head. I don’t know if I feel so damn stupid about this or I feel ducking alone, why can it be like the nightmare of Elm street just pulled you out of my dream. I’ve felt at home with you, your energy makes me feel safe. Do you feel the same? When I dream about you and I can hear your voice it feels like heaven to me, keep talking to me. Do you feel delusional about this? Or am I trippin. I’m just missing your sweet voice in my dreams. I know stupid of me to listen to my stupid Friends. I’ve been social media fronting. I know you’ve been thinking I am a fake but I ain’t. Your throne is waiting for you next to mine, What are you waiting for? Come on .. I want you to stay away from this bullshit don’t believe my friend's baby as long as you believe in us. I feel like you are my twin flame or is it you my soulmate, Man who gives a shit about the label I just know that I fuck with you. I’m feeling stuck right now can you please be patient with me I’m begging 🥺. I wanna lay in bed with you all day and just get lost into each other. I am flirting with you, Do you feel me touching you? I am feeling yours. I am on my way to you, I sense you close to me. I just wanna take care of you, let me ask you this babe. Do you want to be my girlfriend? I wanna be your boyfriend. Here’s a song I got for you to listen to.”

Comment & Reblog This Post….. Enjoy this beautiful pile did for you my lovely 🥰 and this is general reading take what resonates and what doesn’t!.

[wrathofrats]

16 for the angst prompts pleasee (maybe mountain dew?)

-☀️🌙

… I’m so sorry

This turned into 1.2k words of me deep diving into dew’s insecurities. Y’all keep telling me to hurt that fire ghoul and I sadly have more than enough to deliver.

Hope you enjoy!

“He’s just been extra sensitive recently.”

It sounds like rain from what dew can make out through the door.

“I know. He’s just been harsh.”

That was definitely mountain. Were they talking about him?

“I don’t think he means it. Just been rough for him”

“Yeah but it’s getting hard to be around. He’s been mean rain, more than he usually is”

Usually is?

“I know. I’ll talk to him. He’s just in a funk I’m sorry”

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re not the problem, dew needs to figure himself out”

So they were talking about him.

“I agree, trust me. Just cut him some slack ok?”

“Fine”

He hears the doorknob turn and he quickly darts in the direction of his own room.

Had he really been that badly recently? Sure he’s usually blunt and likes to mess around, but *mean*? Has he really been mean to everyone? To mountain?

The questions race through his head as he sits on the ground in his room. He doesn’t try to be mean. He doesn’t try to hurt anyone, the thought of being genuinely malicious to those he loves makes him feel sick. He knows no matter how much guilt he may feel or whatever his intentions actually were, they don’t excuse the effect they’ve apparently had.

He tries to suck it up and stop wallowing in his own pity. He wants to make it up to mountain, and whoever else is thinking the same thing as him, because surely everyone else is right? Dew doesn’t feel right with himself.

He starts with the greenhouse. He brings up the fresh mulch from storage that mountains been talking about needing to retrieve, and quickly refills his watering can before mountain comes to start his work.

“Droplet, did you do this?” Mountain asks. Dew doesn’t like the tone of confusion in his voice, like he would never expect dew of all people to help out. But he nods anyways and retreats back to his room.

The next day dew makes mountain his coffee alongside is. Wakes up 15 minutes early to be able to beat him downstairs.

“I made you coffee since I was awake, just how I know you like it.” Dew offers him a nonchalant smile. He tries hard to not seem like he’s going out of his way to be so kind. He hopes that the others will maybe just think he’s finally changed his ways, become better.

“Dew, can I ask if something’s wrong” mountain stares down into his coffee in confusion.

“What? No. Nothings wrong with your coffee. It’s just a kind gesture” dew rolls his eyes. Mountain didn’t think this was some elaborate prank did he?

“No, is there something wrong with you droplet” mountains eyes held genuine concern.

“Why would there be?”

Mountain doesn’t know how to phrase it. Doesn’t like the weight of the words on his tongue, but tries to say them anyways.

“You’ve just been … overly kind recently. Did something happen? I just want to know if you’re alright”

The slam of dews ceramic coffee cup echos off of the kitchen walls. He knew this would happen, he should’ve expected it.

“Why do you think something’s wrong with me when I’m nice? You wanted me to be nicer and now something’s wrong with me?” His voice is higher than he wants it to be.

“Dew no, that’s not what I meant-“

“I heard what you told rain. I’m sorry I just wanted to do better for you” he doesn’t want to cry. He is anyways. He again prayed that mountain would just take his kindness and forgive him and they could move on but he’s never had that kind of good luck before, why would he now?

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was frustrated and was venting and I never wanted you to hear that.”

Dew hiccups around his words. He’s embarrassed, never likes to show this much emotion. He’s always been the emotional one and he hates it more than words can ever describe.

“But you said it for a reason. Just let me change. I just want you all to love me I’ll change I’m sorry I’ll do better” his words slur together. His wipes his face with his sleeve and tries so hard to be composed though he knows he can’t be. Not like this.

“You don’t need to change dewdrop. We don’t want you to change. I’m sorry, you didn’t need to hear any of that. I didn’t mean it.” Mountain tries his best to plea with him, but he knows this about more than a stupid conversation behind closed doors.

“I do need to change. I need you all to love me like you do each other. Please” he can’t stop the words from tumbling out if his mouth. Years of pent up insecurities and he’s ashamed for how easy he’s letting them all go.

“We do love you dew, we love each other all equally, what is this about?”

“You don’t treat me the same” the words are choked, they’re barely coherent. “No one gives me the same affection as everyone else and I don’t get it. I just want to be loved like everyone else is”

“Oh dew, we do love you. I’m sorry if we made you feel otherwise. Why didn’t you say something?” Mountains abandoned his coffee now in favor of trying to rest his hand on dews shoulder but it’s quickly batted away. He’s concerned, almost scared at the way dew is practically sobbing, almost hyperventilating.

“I shouldn’t have to tell you how I feel. If I deserved love I would’ve gotten it already” he finally yells, sobs around his words. He collapses on the ground with mountain by his side. He’s again ashamed for his emotions. He doesn’t like being like this, doesn’t like being a nuisance. This was supposed to be about proving himself to mountain and he’s made it about himself. He again tries to push the concerned ghoul away. He doesn’t deserve the support.

Dew knows he's being unreasonable. He's jerk, a menace, a brat. Why would anyone go out of their way to show him any extra kindness. He doesn't deserve it. There's always the question of "if you crave love so badly, why don't you treat others with it" and the internal debate of "I don't deserve it" and "if I deserved it, someone would see past the act and give it to me anyways"

He's blind though, as the other ghouls do love him no matter what. The way they mess with him a bit extra, giving him an outlet to have fun, they think he enjoys it so they keep doing it. How they go to him when somethings wrong, or immediately move aside when all he needs is a warm bed and no talking.

The way mountain plants extra lilacs because he likes the smell, or how ether stands closer to him than the others on stage.

He's just too blinded by his own insecurities to see it. A bitter sweet feeling at being "right" about not deserving to be loved, but he was never right, just can't get over his own ego to admit that.