#this fish said gay rights hell yeah

[val-is-angry]

Please excuse the extremely weird format as this was meant for instagram BUT enjoy a rainbow-rainbow trout for pride month!!!! 🐟🌈

[l0vegl0wsinthedark]

Zoom In.

Muggle AU, professor of 18C literature and poetry Draco, celebrity Harry ✨️

~

Violet was the first to log in - again. In the minutes before class began - in the "waiting room" - while she stared at her blank screen, it felt like the only real few moments she truly had to herself.

She spent all those moments, like so many others, thinking about Professor Malfoy.

To every single straight girl, and the singular gay guy, in class, Professor Malfoy was prime wank material. Violet hadn't known her classmates to be as desperate for a good word on their assignments from any other professor. To think homework would feature so high on the to-do lists of some of the biggest lunkheads she knew...there was definitely something about him, that Professor Malfoy.

She could see the appeal. The eerily pale eyes, hair, and skin made to appear warmer by the fluffy jumpers - all in elegant shades of scarlet, burgundy, emerald, wine, golden yellow - he wore over crisply ironed button-downs and tailored trousers; the way he used his hands when he talked, long fingers like a pianist's; the slim golden spectacles he was constantly misplacing on his own head, the rich precision with which he pronounced the olde names and subjects that he spoke of - it was very difficult not to admire Professor Malfoy.

All of that, but nobody really knew much about him outside of uni.

They'd switched to virtual classes a week ago; hurrah for the new pandemic. The idea that she didn't have to sit in class with her tittering classmates, a stray cough sounding now and again, made Violet automatically sit up straighter and smile, just as the little boxes on her screen began popping into life.

"Aaaayyyy!"

"Tell me we don't need to have our faces on display."

"So, yes, before anyone asks: this is a real lip ring. An actual piercing. Yeah, I'm not blowing you, Greg, sod off."

"Is Professor Malfoy on?"

"No, I don't see him here yet. Did he grade your essay?"

"Yo, can someone please tell me how to turn this camera off, I am smashed out my--"

"Click on the camera icon, Bryan--"

"It's not even noon, what d'you mean "smashed"?

"No, you've turned off your mic. No, we cannot hear you screaming."

"First icon on the bottom left," Violet said, rolling her eyes.

And then Professor Malfoy was in class.

There was a beat of silence before everyone called out greetings, a chaotic round of cheerful hello's that nobody could quite make sense of. Least of all Professor Malfoy.

He was peering into his screen, his slim nose scrunched.

"All right, so I can see me. Can you?"

Cacophonic confirmations.

"Okay, so nobody can see or hear me. Right."

More shrill reassurances. One loud beer-belch.

"Damn it all to hell, I knew this would happen, I told him that I'll need--"

"We can see you!" shrieked Preiti.

"We can hear you!" Nora bellowed.

But Professor Malfoy was already twisting around in his chair, scowling heavily, and screaming, "OY! COME IN HERE, YOU MISERABLE WANKER!"

Violet, along with her classmates, just stared in mystified silence. The professor never spoke like that. He ticked them off if they did.

A tall figure in a too big hoodie appeared suddenly, hissing back at Professor Malfoy. There was a golden lion printed on the maroon jacket. The hood was drawn in close, and Violet could just barely make out the light from the computer screen glinting off a pair of round glasses, on which a shaggy fringe of dark hair fell.

"You need to turn the volume up. Git," said the stranger. "Your camera's already on."

"I hate technology," Professor Malfoy seethed.

"You hate so much else. I'm getting fish and chips." The man was already walking off.

"I want mushy peas too, with mine."

"What kind of sick bastard." The room door was shut with a thud.

"Sorry about all that. We are now officially in session," Professor Malfoy said, smiling and restoring his glasses upon his nose. "Do you all have--?"

There was a muffled shout from somewhere behind the professor. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Professor Malfoy called back, "No. No, I don't want a curry dipping sauce."

There was more muffled yelling.

"Harry, get out right now!" shrieked Professor Malfoy, and Violet, along with the others, just ogled.

Malfoy sighed. "Sorry 'bout that. Just my idiot husband."

"You're married?!" Violet had asked before she could stop herself.

Professor Malfoy sighed, flipping open a thick, spiral bound folder. "Yes. You've heard of Harry Potter, I'm sure. He's the poor idiot I married."

[izzytheloser12]

~~~Since yall like the other incorrect quotes i've made more~~~

Kaito: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it!

~~~~~~~

Akako: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

~~~~~~~~

*Yusaku goes shopping with child Shinichi*

Shinichi: Can I get a silenced pistol? Yusaku: If there’s one on sale.

~~~~~~~~~

*kaito and Aoko are having a sleepover*

Kaito: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. Aoko: Kaito, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck. Kaito: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not. Aoko: Well, I mean yeah. Kaito: So come downstairs while they’re still hot. Aoko: Wait, you just made them? Kaito: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets. Aoko: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Kaito.

~~~~~~~~~

Ran: Truth or dare? Shinichi: Truth. Ran: How many hours have you slept this week? Shinichi: Shinichi: Dare. Ran: Go to sleep. Shinichi: I don't like this game.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us. Kaito: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

~~~~~~

Kaito, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often? Shinichi, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.

~~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Did Kaito just tell me he loved me for the first time? Heiji: Yeah, he did. Shinichi: And did I just do finger guns back? Heiji: Yeah, you did.

~~~~~~~

Hakuba: I asked Heiji out. Kaito: Oh, I’m sorry. Hakuba: Why? Kaito: Well, I assume they said no. Hakuba: No, they said yes. Kaito: Really? Then I’m sorry for them.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Fight me! Kaito: gets on one knee and pulls out a ring Kaito: Fight me for the rest of our lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Hakuba: Regular soda is too sweet! Kaito: Diet soda has a weird after taste! Hakuba: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY! Kaito: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda! Hakuba: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink! Kaito: I'm going to physically attack you. Hakuba: Which is better, Shinichi? Shinichi: Oh, I usually drink water! Kaito: Wha- NO! Hakuba: DISGUSTING!

~~~~~~~~

Sonoko: Seriously, I have no idea what to do. Sonoko: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers.

~~~~~~~

Sonoko, texting: Answer your phone Ran, texting back: Wait a minute, I can’t find my phone Sonoko: Understood Sonoko, 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me, Ran.

~~~~~~~~

Kazuha: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos- Ran: I wrote you a poem. Kazuha, already crying: You did?

~~~~~

Kazuha: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box. Sonoko: Did Ran say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'? Kazuha: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

~~~~~~~

*Shinichi is babysitting Ayumi*

Shinichi: Come on, you need to go to bed. Ayumi: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die! Shinichi: … Shinichi: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles—

~~~~~~~

Shinichi: When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why Haibara made me get tested.

~~~~~~~

Haibara: Why are we friends? Conan: Poor decisions on your part.

~~~~~~~~

Akako: I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. Aoko: Ok. Akako: Wait, why such a muted reaction? Did that not sound cool?

~~~~~~~

*after Yukiko and Shinichi got into a fight*

Yukiko: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! Shinichi: Climbing THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

~~~~~~

Akako: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into- Aoko: You sleep with a teddybear. Akako: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

~~~~~

Kaito: As top in this relationship, I think we should- Shinichi: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

[cod-dump]

Back with yet another edition of Incorrect COD Quotes as Things Said in the Discord!!! Brought to you primarily by my brother and his best friend playing Halo.

This first interaction is mostly shit I made up for context. Soap's line is the quote :)

Gaz: Simon, I have an issue with this guy I've been talking to. Ghost, half asleep: Gaz, mate, I'm trying to sleep. Unless he's hurt you, I don't care what he does. Gaz: But he does this really annoying thing and it's like a super bad habit and I don't know what to do to help, ya know? Ghost, buried in his pillow: Have you tried telling him this? Gaz: Yes! But he won't listen. You're good at getting men to listen to you. What can I do? Soap, talking in his sleep: He can, I don't know, fart? *Gaz and Ghost instantly lose it*

*on assignment* Soap: Time to head into enemy territory. *looks around* Where the fuck are we?

Gaz, after getting back from med bay and still high off his ass from meds: I did not survive the bombing of the anal prober of 2023.

Gaz, texting Soap while they're on leave: Watcha up to? Soap: Getting analy probed Gaz: 🤨 *left on read*

Ghost, talking to Graves: You're a diaper, ya know that? Graves: What? Ghost: Yeah cause you're full of shit

*Price driving like a damn maniac* Soap, off key and high pitched singing: Jesus take the wheel!

Graves, lecturing the Shadows: Now how the hell did that happen? *points at the truck completely destroyed* Moose: I ran into someone and just spontaneously combusted. Graves: The truck combusted? Moose: No I did. I just happened to be inside the truck Graves: Wha-

Soap, sleep talking while visiting the Shadows: Eventually the cockroaches stop holding guns Moose, scared: What cockroaches?

Shepherd after watching one training session with the Shadows: They're coming out, they're all coming out. Dear God they're gay!

Gaz, dressing as a prostitute for an undercover assignment and very nervous: Okay, hopefully I'm touchable. Well, not little kid touchable but- Soap, raised Catholic: *chokes on his drink*

Nik: My favorite part right here. Running over the peoples.

Also Nik like two minutes later: Ah shit its fucking helicopter time 😎

Moose, watching his fishes: Ah, happiness. I love that

Alejandro, after the Graves tank scene destroyed half his base: I'm gonna kill myself just to get my armory back.

Absolute gold

[moestavern]

The HOMOE Masterpost

Shoutout to @butchbarneygumble for oking me to steal this idea from their Moeney Masterpost! Go peep that btw.

I see almost no one acknowledge all the gay shit these two have going on so i have to ship them all by myself and honestly that's unacceptable given how much this show implies between them. And with a ship name like Homoe? You have got to be kidding me they were handed to me on a golden fucking plater.

Blah blah i know these are jokes or w/e but its a show, no one here is real, you are not affected by me wanting these middle aged men to kiss each other (more than they already do) so lets get on with it!

This is currently only clips from the show, i will go through the comics/books/etc. if anything's hidden in there and ill add it to this post in the future.

This is gonna be a long post so everything is gonna be under the cut.

Episode: (S2E11) One Fish, Two Fish, Blow Fish, Blue Fish

Homer Kisses Moe. Moe responds with "not in public". So in private then?

H: Oh words wont do it- I love you Moe M: Not in public

---

Episode: (S8E3) The Homer they Fall

Just this whole episode.

H: Are you an angel? M: Yes Homer, Im an angel. All us angles wear Farah slacks. H: But you stopped the fight. Wont everyone be mad at you? M: Eh, lettem be mad. The only thing that matters to me is your'e safe. - D: Homer, your manager obviously loves you very much.

---

Episode: (S9E16) Dumbbell Indemnity

Dancing together + hints throughout. "if you squint" kinda stuff but ill take my breadcrumbs.

---

Episode: (S11E6) Hello Gutter Hello Fadder

Homer and Moe consider one another life partners.

Ma: Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner. H: You're right! - H: I cant believe it Moe. The greatest feet of my life is already forgotten. M: Geez, Homer. I never seen ya this depressed. As your life partner, Im very worried.

---

Episode: (S11E10) Little Big Mom

When Lisa calls the tavern, Moe asks if Homer is going to another bar like its a cheating situation. Look at me however you want that's how im taking this. Moe's clingy.

M: Hey uh- is Homer there? L: No, he isn't. I dont know where he is. M: Im a little worried. He usually stops in for an eye opener on the way to work. L: He told us he'd been going to the gym. M: Uhahaha- Wow. Anyway, you dont think he could be at another bar do ya? Because i couldnt take that- i- i just couldnt. *crying*

---

Episode: (S11E16) Pygmoelian

Homer tells Moe his acting is a turn on.

M: The one hole ive never been able to fix is the one in my soul. H: That was amazing Moe. Im actually a little turned on. M: Yeah, hey i gotta gift.

---

Episode: (S16E7) Mommie Beerest

The thing i dont say is that i primarily ship all three of them together especially during late seasons. Reading "Moe takes the place of marge" jokes as shippy is- a bit of a stretch? whatever, it includes Moe telling Homer "i love you" and Homer calling Moe "Honey".

H: What would Marge say? M: Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's. I love my Homie. H: Ok honey, ill do it! Ma: What's going on here? M: Nothin- Nothing.

Also Homer and Moe sharing a bed 1/2.

---

Episode: (S17E5) Marge's Son Poisoning

If i had a nickel for every time Moe and Homer were called life partners id have 2 nickels. Which isn't a lot but its weird that it happened twice. (This has to be a lie, im certain there is a third time this has happened, i have yet to find it again) "They're lying, they're trying to hustle" um stfu- idc that's his life partner. he said so.

RT: God dern it son- what tha hell kinna sissy are you? M: Hey are you calling my life partner a sissy? Cause a hundred bucks says he could whoop you in arm wrestling.

---

Episode: (S18E6: Moe n' a Lisa)

Moe tells Homer he loves him.

H: Seriously Moe, I think you have a gift. M: Thanks Homer, I love you man. H: OoooOH you love a man.

---

Episode: (S20E8) The Burns and The Bees

Moe explains bees having sex to Homer and Homer thinks Moe is talking about the two of them.

H: But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species? M: Actually Homer *whispering* H: *gasp* You and me? M: No. The bees. H: Oh! Yeah yeah. That's what i meant too. I... have no... inclination...

---

Episode: (S21E30 The Great Wife Hope)

Moe takes Homer dressed as Marge to his class reunion. He says he took Barney the year before.

M: Lets go Marge. My class reunion starts in an hour. H: Uh, Moe, i have a confession to make. Im just Homer dressed as Marge. M: Yeah, but last year i took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better they'll think you look. Hmm? H: Well you better not leave me and talk to your old friends all night. M: Keep talkin like that and ill leave ya here right now.

---

Episode: (S21E21) Moe Letter Blues

Homer kisses Moe.

H: Moe, i dont know rather to punch you or kiss you. So im gonna do both.

---

Episode: (S24E2) Treehouse of Horror XXIV

Look, i know its a demon that looks like Moe and NOT Moe. But cmon what was this???

H: Listen, pal, you seem like an honest guy. Is there any other deal you can accept? D: Three way. H: Hm- You, me, Marge? D: Demon, demon, you. H: Sigh- I guess its one of those things a dad has to do. - H: Now before we start, what's the safe word? D: Cinnamon H: Oh! I like that. Now, id like to try something new, if you dont mind. D: Cinnamon. Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

---

Episode: (S25E12) Diggs

Ok- so the way Bart describes his feeling for Diggs is really queer and Homer immediately compares that to his feelings towards Moe.

B: I met this kid. Little older. Kinda strange. I dont think other people get him but i just wanna hang out with him all the time. H: *gasps* Its even better than i thought. You found your Moe Szyslak!

---

Episode: (S27E10) The Girl Code

Homer kisses Moe.

M: Hey what tha hell? Get your kisser off my head puss! H: What? Its how greek men say 'hello'. Non sexual guy kissing is the best.

---

Episode: (S28E4) Treehouse of Horror XXVII

Moe kisses a picture of Homer twice.

Thanks @leibi97 for remembering this one for me!

--- Episode: (S28E13) Fatzcarraldo

Homer calls Moe his "sweet wonderful bartender"

H: i had a great day and i really wanna celebrate with the boys so dont wait up for me my sweet wonderful bartender, Moe. M: Alright but whos the boys? H: Marge's boobs. See ya!

---

Episode: (S29E16) King Leer

Homer carrying Moe into the store. But also i like this episode over all from a Homoearge standpoint.

M: When i cross this threshold i begin a new life! *Picked up by Homer* This is the first time that ive ever been carried into a store. Look at me now lady foot locker! Look at me now.

---

Episode: (S32E15) Do Pizza Robots Dream of Electric Guitars

Ok guys THIS is what im talking about when i say in later seasons i kinda ship all three of them.

Ma: Did you see how he ate his breakfast? He doesn't shuffle his pancakes like a deck of cards. He doesn't air drum while driving, or race the dog in butt scooting across the carpet. And he always won. He's not my Homie anymore. B: We didnt notice any of that. Ma: A wife knows. M: And a bartender. Hes just- hes just not the same. He dont spin Barney around on the stool no more. He dont drink beer from a crazy straw just a sensible straw. What are we gonna do about our little man Midge? Ma: Were just gonna have to love him that much more. M: I didnt think that was possible. - B: Im used to seeing mom upset about dad, but Moe. That really shook me.

---

Episode: (S35E7) Its A Blunderful Life

They love each other :)

M: How dare you show your face in here. H: Moe, its me, and beneith all the drinking and the jokes we have a real relationship. And that means something. M: What are you gettin at? H: C'mon man. Deep down, we kinda love each other. H: *thrown through window* M: Love you too

---

Episode: (S35E15) Cremains of the Day

Moe and Homer share a bed 2/2.

M: Oh cmon Lenny, ghosts aint real. eh

Holding each other.

---

Episode: (S35E17) The Tipping Point

Dont- Even- Get- Me- Started

M: Exact change huh? Thats it? H: Aw, i really wanna tip ya Moe, but i promised my wife id quit. M: Heres a thought Homer. What if you took the moolah outta your pocket but you just stopped before anything happened? Ya know, everything but the tip. H: That dosent seem like it could lead to anything. M: Sure it couldnt. H: *slowly hands Moe ten dollars* H: We shouldnta done that. M: Does that mean- that you wanna stop? H: No *hands Moe more money* *moaning* It feels so good *hands Moe more money* M: Dont stop you generous man *handed more money* *moaning* Aw yeah give it to me big boy H: *handing Moe more money* You like that? M: Oh thats the spot H: I can do this all night M: Right there H: Tell me you want it M: Oh god- Oh god- Oh god- Oh god! H: Yes- Yes- Yes- Yes! *Wallet sprays money on Moe* C: I need a new bar. - M: *following Homer out of the bar* Where ya goin? H: I cant stop tippin Moe. Im hooked on tha rush! I gotta monkey on my back and hes got his hand out. M: But, what about us? H: No one service worker can satisfy my needs. God help me im a tip-phomaniac.

---

Jesus ok i dont know how to conclude this post. I will make updates to this. I know im missing stuff.

This is about a 3rd of my "moe is bi" list so maybe ill make that its own masterpost.

Someone asked me today what ship dynamic they are and i told them "the dumb one/the evil one/the woman". My spouse and i have been watching Futurama and they pointed out to me it was the same dynamic when i said i saw something between Fry/Bender/Leela as a trio.

[captainzigo]

since I have been making my little pony comics for the past few months, I have basically forgotten what every single one of my duckverse comic prompts means. I had a big list full of one sentence prompts for duckverse comics that I was going to make, and I was reading through it yesterday, because I thought about making one. I was surprised to find out that I have no idea what any of them mean. instead of just deleting the list, I have decided to share with you. For what good it will do you. Think of this as a little shout out to the people who followed me for duckverse content. i havent forgotten about you. it’s also a little peek in my twisted mind. my horrible creation process. a behind the scenes look from hell. the list of prompts is below the break

max college fund

launchpad rescue hero

costco 22¢ per bite

house of mouse

door to darkness

because i’m hispanic?

donald cousins catch and release

fish wife

the greatest skateboard trick in the seven seas

backyardagins movie

evil versions boy band

gladstone gay moms

the poor part of town

private army of freaks vs my boys

you own the town. you are politics - what do you think taxes are for - not gladstone bail - id be doing everyone a favor

kids table is great actually

donald cry gold swim

beautiful gold moon

villains table

these lovebirds

gladstone can’t read

gladstone hyper specific thrift store shirt

louie seeing anyone right now?

managed my uncle’s finances

june dolls episode

may louie webs spy episode

house of mouse christmas hdl want to come

propeller cap start to turn. big wind. its a helicopter landing. thanks babe

double gay batteries

daisy likes donald snoring

if you can understand anything he says then yeah!

sora. quack pack. bald monkey

i respect your pronouns. i dont not respect YOU scrooge

why are you friends with my rival’s girlfriend

we’re sisters now too???

The dancing hacker - do you know how hard it is to lucid dream

are you guys playing dancing hacker?

how did you do that? Those dice were rigged i mean.

you guys were supposed to prepare a musical number every session

Lady in pink but with a knife

girl boss? No girl lady. But not a girl.

sephirof at the door. never seen Donald that serious in my life.

I have a superhero alter ego - like super Grover?

louie x robin the frog

daffy: i’m getting you a job in Hollywood, kid! You gonna make big times. Why? uh… i’m friends with your mom.

Duckburg community college is the only community college that does dance scholarship

duckberg community ducks, and the Duckburg University geese

in helicopter: you ever going to get tired of having our dates like this? no never.

donald take responsibility for our son! panchito what

babe your costume is terrible. why are you still in a sailor hat

tasha austin gay lesbian solidarity

hey webby! *glittery hands*

webby diary

shake for trust? glitter on hand. body slam

why did t you tell me your girlfriend is a pilot? tasha said i shouldn’t tell you because of what happened to you pilot ex. he’s still alive!

pablo: sleeper agents be like time for my next mission

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

WHATS UP T-BOYS?

donald’s boyfriends what does gladstone have against gay people

donald you should wingman for me. i thought you were gay

dugan duck is your secret kid isn’t he

huey ponytail

donald has three boyfriends why can’t i have two

woops i mexed up their super powers - let’s go, t boys! i didn’t make them trans! they were like that before, right?

your brother donald has like five partners. yeah and i’m not my brother donald. you’re right. i should date your brother donald

dewey damn girl your ass phat what are your pronouns. katy nun/ya

tying normie trans girl to a chair turbo pablo

don’t worry. the promise ring is just a tracking device

punch buggy gets steadily more and more violent

dewey’s many licenses

duck twins cobwebs

beaks: help! #911

katy can not entertain in her tiny trailer

uno gaydar donald i finally give you a job and you’re being gay on the clock??

when mom comes in and you have to hide your DS under your pillow

HDL Tulin

HDL chart

[yowyowyaoi]

Itachi's Daily Texts from the Akatsuki, Part Two

From Kakuzu

Won't be as effective if you don't get some damn sleep.

You need to stay off of it for at least a week. I'll explain to Nagato.

How you choose to live (and die) is your own business.

Well tell him to take it easy with you. Your stamina isn't up for "extracurricular activities" like that, brat.

I'm aware. I'll deal with him later.

If you don't wish to pay it then use a candle instead of that lamp.

Once again, GO TO BED.

Your sweets consumption is appalling.

Of the three of you, I'm not sure which one worries me more. Four counting Tobi.

A gengetsu where all I have to do is sit still and money flies into my lap. Birthday present.

Your worst is likely STILL superior to his "best".

Rent is due. Utilities as well.

From Sasori

I swear your stubbornness rivals even that of Deidara's sometimes.

I'm working on a new remedy that should still the pain for much longer periods of time.

If you don't take better care of it I'll be forced to amputate. And as a warning, once I start with body modifications I find it very, very hard to stop.

SLEEP.

With as bad as your breathing sounds? The enemy would hear you coming from a mile away!

Eternal doesn't mean eternal patience.

I told him to behave himself with you or I'll take away his clay.

I wish I could help more. I truly do, child.

My thanks for the book, I'll return it within the week.

I'll admit I've thought about it but I'm not sure the sharingan would translate as well aesthetically in wood as it does in human flesh.

From Hidan

Prove it.

Mine's shorter but it's better. Not so greasy.

You'd be healed from everything if you just prayed to Jashin!!

It's a. Fucking. Fishing pole. He has like fifty! Why's he making such a big deal out of ONE?!

I did it and I'm NOT sorry.

Shit ain't my business but really isn't he too big for your sick-ass body?

Can't even tell you man.

It's not my deal but blondie looks cute as fuck when we go. Tell him I said that and I'll cut off your balls with my scythe.

You're like a fucking vampire dude. You NEVER SLEEP!

When I tried saying it Kakuzu almost knocked my head off my damn neck.

Stop being so gay and come with us. It's not like you've got shit else to do that day!

Whatever asshole.

I would rock your fucking world and I wouldn't break your ass in half like shark-dick.

Just use your creepy eyes and put him to sleep first! All we gotta do is cut off like two inches and he'll freak so bad he'll have a heart attack!

You know what? I'm gonna lend you my Jashin bible. One you read it you'll see I'm right about everything I keep telling you!

From Zetsu

You hurt his feelings, child. He said you're the only ones left of your clan and you never wish to spend time with or even speak to him.

I can smell it coming from your pores.

Time is merely an illusion.

These trips to Konoha are proving quite lengthy ...

You should probably lay low for a bit. Kakuzu finally received the credit card bill for all of those tea and dango shops.

That's a lovely idea but I doubt ALL of us could go to one place without causing some chaos.

There is no heaven and no hell. There is simply NOW, and whatever realities we choose to create for ourselves.

I believe he's started to think of himself as being your "big brother". Could be either good or bad for you.

From Deidara

Art absolutely IS a "life necessity". Heathen.

As good as friends as two assholes can be, right?

Mine got softer since I started using the eggs. It's slimy but after it sets in, it's really great.

If I wasn't goofy about Danna and EVERY OTHER man in the world died, then maybe.

Should you really be drinking?

Maybe if you went to sleep! Fucking hell you're creepier than a vampire!

Yeah but if I DID like girls I bet I'd get more than you!

I just don't get why he wears it? He's hot as FUCK without it.

Would Kisame get mad if I asked him if he wanted to come with us to the aquarium?

Just get Konan to do it. She's nice and has soft hands.

Hidan wants to but I'd rather stay home.

Yeah I could teach you but yours wouldn't explode so what's even the point??

From Konan

Thank you! I can't believe you noticed! <3

You need the fresh air, come with me for a walk.

Don't listen to him ok?

Yes and no. More so "yes".

I wish I had the time for it.

I'm almost done with that book, you have the sequel right?

It's like every single particle of dust on the road just magically finds it's way into my hair.

If you're trying to avoid back pain, I'd advise against it.

Not that I don't appreciate them but ... did you go out at one in the morning to pick them?

He talks too loud and I've already got a headache.

Thanks for letting me borrow it, Nagato's hair is much healthier now.

From Tobi/Obito

You think THAT was bad?? Try BATHING the son of a bitch!!

You, me, and Sasuke could do it though. It would be more powerful than any clan that ever existed.

Just because it tasted good did NOT mean you needed to eat that many in one sitting!

I applaud the idea but with as weak as you are right now I don't see how it could work.

He's taller than you now. Still with the short hair though.

I can see I was wrong in criticizing Fugaku's parenting style because you ARE a handful, little cousin.

Four hours of uninterrupted sleep would do you a world of good.

Why should I give that up?? It's absurdity to think that an UCHIHA has a PUPPET as a romantic rival!!

It gets so hot and itchy under this thing.

A vacation somewhere warm and quiet would be nice.

Your idea of atonement is even more fucked-up than mine.

No but HE said I had to.

I'm honestly surprised nobody has tried to kill him yet.

I wish it was so. I truly do.

It's loud but you have to admit it's better than being alone.

Come and eat.

Depends on what your definition of "helpful" is.

From Kisame

Did you eat something yet?

Did you get any sleep last night?

Come here, I drew you a bath with lavender oil.

Can I help that I legitimately worry over you?

Just a snack? Just so you have something in your stomach? Please?

The water is warm and gentle and I bet a swim would cheer you up.

I forgot how much energy they have, I ran myself ragged trying to keep up with them!

Then come let me brush that beautiful hair of yours.

I understand. I don't agree but I get it.

Then just let me kill them. Problem solved.

Come on, please, just one quick little nap. An hour max.

They invited us but I know you don't really like red meat so I said no.

Fortunately MY bed is VERY warm and cozy. Come and see.

It might shock you to learn that there are other foods besides dango and tea.

You shouldn't even have to ask, that was 1000% Deidara.

There are other, and perhaps more interesting, ways of building your stamina. <3

Never imagined that one day I'd want something like this, but here we are.

Is it a little one or a big one? If it's small just take a deep breath and use your shoe.

I love you as well but dammit brat you'll be the death of me for sure!

[gachawolfiebloom]

Two Hearts In The City of Love

Chapter 12: Mr Puzzles' Amazing Couples Game Show Fanatic

Cover made by me and Puzzlevision selection is from Smg4. Please do not repost artwork.

Drumroll please...

3...

2..

1.

"Hello and welcome ladies and gentlemen! As always, it's your favorite TV host Mr Puzzles here! Now I know our last gameshow didn't quite go according to plan now did it?"

One of the members in the audience asks "Yeah, didn't you flip out and complete destroy the show because you were jealous of that red, fat, Italian guy?"

"NO! *Ahem* No...we just had a little programming malfunction with our games. But fear not! For this new show will feature all new kinds of games that couldn't possibly be ruined. And you wanna know why? MARIO WON'T BE PLAYING! That's right everyone. We've got all your favorite contestants, invited back for a new show I'm calling: Mr Puzzles' Amazing Couples Game Show Fanatic!"

Mr Puzzles clapped his hands and everyone he had trapped, except Mario appeared. Bob got all territorial and asked "UM EXCUSE ME? WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?" Mr Puzzles took out a sheet of paper and said "Now let's layout the rules. Each couple will compete in a activity that I have set to test their intelligence (if they even have it ), their physical abilities, and how well they are willing to go for each other."

"What do you mean? We aren't couples." Tari quizzically asked when Mr Puzzles butted in and yelled "YOU ARE NOW!" He clapped his hand and divided 2 partners at each station. Smg3 looked confused as hell until he turned and saw who he was partnered with. "Oi! We're not a couple!" Smg4 did the same as he blushed up a storm and awkwardly avoided looking at Three.

Meggy and Tari also felt awkward when they saw that they were paired up with each other, but neither one was a blushing mess like Four was. Bob stomped his foot down and yelled "I REFUSE TO WORK WITH THIS GREEN BOOGER! I WOULDN'T DATE BOOPKINS IF HE WAS THE LAST FISH ON EARTH! PAIR ME UP WITH BIRDO INSTEAD!"

(Sidenote: I DO NOT SHIP BOB AND BOOPKINS. I JUST SEE THEM AS BEST FRIENDS. NOTHING ELSE.)

Mr Puzzles started to get irritated and nervously laughed. "Don't pay any attention to him folks. I think he's too shy to admit his feelings." The audience let out a couple Awwwww's. Bob was getting really angry and began complaining "HE'S LYING! I'M NOT GAY! I'M STRAIGHT! NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY!" Mr Puzzles put a hand over his mouth and said "One moment please." He whispered "I know you're not gay Bob, but I ran out of contestants and I need a third team. Can't you just roll with it."

As he went back to addressing the audience, Bob kept chanting "NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY-" Mr Puzzles facepalmed and announced "I almost forgot! Whoever scores the most points gets a sPeCiAl pRiZe!" Everyone immediately stopped their belly aching and became incredibly interested. Bob finally shut up and said "ANYTHING FOR MONEY!"

Three swung an arm over Four as he became even more flustered. "Forget what I said. We're the best couple and we're going to crush you all!"

"U-Um...Three can you not?"

Meggy got a serious look on her face and yelled "No way! Me and Tari are the best duo!" Tari thought it was a sweet compliment and didn't even pick up on how Meggy didn't mind letting the audience see them as a couple.

The crowd erupted into excited cheers as Mr Puzzles went back to his happy self. "Alright everyone! First up we have-" He felt a tug on his sleeve as Luigi nervously asked "Uhh...what do I do? I...I don't have a partner." Mr Puzzles noticed that since he didn't cast Mario in this episode so now Luigi didn't have anyone else. "Oh Luigi, you have the most important job of all!" He brought him over to a discount whiteboard and handed him a marker. "You will keep track of scores. Making sure that each team gets the amount of points I say they earn."

"Oh that sounds like fun! I can do that!" Luigi began humming to himself as he made a column for each team. "Wonderful! Now that that's all figured out, we can finally beg-"

"Um can I take a bathroom break! My face feels hot!" Four raised his hand. Mr Puzzles was getting really irritated with all the interruptions, just like his last game show. He turned around with his scary, realistic face and yelled "NO! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!" Four immediately slumped down in his seat as the audience went silent and Mr Puzzles felt all eyes glued onto him.

"I-I mean...Sorry Smg4, but the show has started already. But don't worry, you'll be an excellent team player. Maybe you'll even win the prize..."

"Now about we start with-"

The sounds of Italian gibberish echoed on stage as Mr Puzzles raised an eyebrow. "Huh...that's strange. But let's cont-"

More gibberish noises that sounded closer as Mr Puzzles angrily said "Whoever that is, please stop so everyone can enjoy the show." The person that was making the annoying sounds didn't stopped. It almost sounded like it came from the audience. Mr Puzzles then froze when he realized something. "Oh crap...I made sure Mario wasn't a contestant, but I never checked to see if he was an audience member!" Sure enough, Mario rushed down from his seat onto stage and said "Oh boy! Oh boy! Mario wants to play games!"

Mr Puzzles virtually tore his eyes out and politely tried getting him to go back to his seat. "Oh sorry Mario, but we have no available contestants for you to partner up with." Mario shook his head and pointed at him. "Mario can play with you TV guy!" Mr Puzzles quickly shot back "No way Mario! The host doesn't play the games and I would never be in a romantic relationship with you!"

"WELL I WOULD NEVER BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH BOOPKINS, BUT YOU'RE MAKING ME PLAY!"

"Shut up Bob! And Mario...GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT!" He then asked "Can Mario at least stay up here and watch?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please..."

"No!"

"Pretty please with spaghetti and meatballs on top..."

"Ugh. Fine. But only because we need to get the show started. However, you will not make a sound and you will not move from that spot over there!" He pointed to a far off corner that was almost off stage, but Mario didn't mind. "Yippee!" He hopped over to his spot and hummed to himself, head in hands, excitedly awaiting the first game. "Sorry for the delay folks. Let's get started with our first game."

Trivia Time!

"For this game, you must answer questions of different categories that are randomly selected each turn. The team with the most points wins!" Three moved his hand close to the buzzer, ready for the moment he got the answer. Bob also did the same and Tari looked nervously between their tension. Four had managed to calm down and his competitive spirit was ready to knock his components into the ground.

Mr Puzzles picks up a card from the Entertainment category (no surprise that was the first one) and stars reading "Question 1: In-"

"Oooo can Mario play! Mario is great at guessing games!" Mr Puzzles gave him a cold stare and said "AS I WAS SAYING, In the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S, what was the name of Rachel's colleague that worked at Bloomingdale's in Season 3." Bob and Three buzzed in at the same time when both answered at the same time.

"THE UGLY DUDE."

"Mark Robinson!"

Mr Puzzles made a wincing sound and said "Ohhhh sorry Bob. These answers must be clear and specific so Smg3 gets the point."

"CRAP!" Bob pouted while Three and Four pointed and laughed at him. "You can't beat the true F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan!" He made a flirty look at Four when saying that. Mr Puzzles took out a another card from a different category and said "Question 2: What is-" but was interuppted again when that annoying Italian voice whined "Cooommmeee onnnnn! Let Mario answer this question! He'll be quiettt ifff youuu doooo!"

Mr Puzzles was already ready to kick him out when he looked down at the question and said "Ohhh sureeee." Mario cheered and scooted in with Meggy and Tari. "Hello girls! You don't mind if Mario joins your team do you?" Tari gladly replied "Sure!" Meggy quickly stopped her and informed her teammate "Tari, he doesn't know any answers to these questions." Mario gave her an offended look. "Sure Mario does! Just watch!"

"Question 2: What is the square root of 9?"

Mario buzzed in with his nose and yelled "21!" A bzzt sound played as Mr Puzzles made a fake gasp and said "I'm sorry, but that is incorrect. -1 points for team Megari!" Luigi put a negative point on their score and made a gesture over to the girls that he was sorry. Mario stood up and said "WAT! That's bullcrap! Mario totally got the answer right! He has 1000000 IQ!" Meggy hissed "Mario...get down and go back to your seat."

"NO! The mean TV man is being unfair!" He launched towards Mr Puzzles and yelled "This game is rigged! Mario demands vengeance!" He took the rest of the cards and burned them down with a blowtorch. "HAH! Mario wins now! Hehehehehehehe!" He smugly went back to sitting at the corner and was contempt on seeing how Mr Puzzles would hold up the show now. Mr Puzzles got up and saw the cards were now burnt to ash and he started nervously sweating. "N-Not t-to worry audience. I-I always have some spare cards." He took out a piece of paper and scribbly wrote down a question.

"Now this last one should be easy. What is the weather like today?" Tari instantly knew the answer and buzzed in. "I know! It's-" Mr Puzzles quickly turned to the boys and declared "That's right Smg4! It's sunny! Smg4 wins the game!"

"B-But I didn't-"

"NEXT GAME!"

Outstanding Obstacles

Mr Puzzles teleported them all to an insane obstacle course with hoops, pits, and beams. "In order to beat this game, both opponents must safely cross to the other side that is marked with the handy flag." He pointed way across where a tiny checkered flag was waiting in the safe zone. "We have to cross that!?" Tari cried out in fear. A little thing Mr Puzzles forgot to mention was that there was fire, swinging weapons, and many other deadly traps sprinkled along the way. Bob didn't care. He ran towards it, singing "GIVE ME THE MONEY!" and flung himself straight into the middle, where he was pierced by arrows and got a sword stuck in his head. He evaporated as an X appeared on screen and the announcer yelled "DEAD."

Mr Puzzles laughed and said "Oopsie! Looks like Bob is eliminated from the rest of the show! Sorry Boopkins, but you can't play without a teammate so you're disqualified too." He snapped his fingers when Boopkins was right in the middle of a sentence. "Wait...what-" He began evaporating as well as he screamed himself out of existence. "Now for our two remaining teams, good luck!" Meggy and Three lined up against each other, both wanting to prove their athletic skills. Four and Tari were nervous from all the deadly contraptions. When the horn went off, Three and Meggy ran lighting fast through the course while Four and Tari barely ducked out of the way of swinging maces.

"Ooooo can Mario join in!" Mr Puzzles angrily turned around and yelled "NO! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Mario grumpily crossed his arms, but then got an idea. When Mr Puzzles wasn't looking, he tiptoed past him into the obstacle course.

Tari carefully jumped over a pit when she saw a bazooka firing straight at Four. "Look out!" Four turned and saw the missile hurdling towards him as he shut his eyes and prepared for the worst. Instead the missile just stopped, crying "Ohhhhh nooooo!" and poofed. That was strange. He saw Three and Meggy leaving without them and cried "Oi! You guys know that if we die, you lose right?" Both of them stopped, realizing he had a point.

Tari was dangling over a pit of fire. "I'm coming Tari!" Meggy yelled as she ran over to help her up. "Are you okay?" Tari breathed heavily as Meggy pulled her in for a hug of comfort. "Don't worry. You're safe now." Three saw his chance to go, but saw Four trembling as the weapons were coming by the bucket full. He groaned and went back to grab him. The slight hand touch made him flinch as he stuttered "S-Sorry...did you get hurt?"

"No. I'm okay. Thanks for coming back for me."

Mr Puzzles was sitting back in a chair, munching on popcorn and watching through binoculars. It seemed like the show was going really well with emotion, drama, and suspense, except one contestant didn't belong. "MARIO!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!" He was running past the two teams, flashing the loser sign at Mr Puzzles when he saw the flag in sight. "YIPPEE! Mario is gonna win!" Mr Puzzles quickly snapped his fingers when he saw Mario was only a few feet from the finish.

He reached his hand out to grab the flag when the floor fell out from over him and he evaporated back to his seat in the corner. The rest of the contestants fell through the floor, but luckily Smg4 was the closest to the finish line. "Wonderful! Smg4 has done it again! Add some more points on the board Luigi!" Four hazily holds his head as he says "I think my brain just committed SUICIDE." The green Italian happily nodded as he added more points to their score, but Mario stole the marker for him and gave himself infinite points.

"HAHA! Mario wins the game now!" Mr Puzzles stole the marker back and yelled "MARIO DOES NOT WIN THE GAME! SMG4 IS SUPPOSED TO WIN! YOU WEREN'T EVEN A CONTESTANT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Mario points a finger in his face and says "So you admit it! These games are rigged! Bad TV man is a stinky cheater!" Mr Puzzles looks over and sees that the crowd was starting to boo him. "No no no no! I'm not cheating!" He clenches his fists and storms over to Mario. "I am finishing this show and nobody is going to stop me! Not you! Not anyone!" He takes some chains and locks and tied them around Mario, kicking him into the corner.

"FINAL GAME!"

Truth or Dare

"To play this game, all you have to do is give an honest answer to any question that an audience member asks or whatever they dare you to do. IS THAT ALRIGHT WITH EVERYBODY!" He creaks his head over to Mario and narrows his eyes at him. The Italian looked at him with a glazed look in his eyes. "Okay great! Who would like to ask the first question?" One guy in the back immediately raises his hand. "Yes. What is your question?"

"I dare Smg3 and Smg4 to recreate the 6:50 minute of snow trapped!"

Both boys immediately tense up and their faces become red and hot. "Uhhh...." Mr Puzzles doesn't pay attention to their awkwardness as he claps his hands and a igloo drops down. "Well you heard the audience. Climb in and do your thing!" Four and Three don't say a word, but they slowly begin backing up. Mr Puzzles stops them and throws them in, blocking the entrance with snow. "See you later~"

"Now then, do we have any questions for the girls!" Another audience member raises his hand and asks "What is Meggy and Tari's favorite bonding activity?" Before the girls can answer, them and Mr Puzzles hear a suspicious thud. It starts to speed up as Mr Puzzles swivels his head around to find Mario humping the igloo. "Come on! Come on! Mario wants to see the gays making out! Commmeee onnnnnn!" Mr Puzzles anger goes through the roof as his body turns a bright red and his TV box begins to fume.

"THAT'S IT! MARIO IS DISQUALIFIED!" He slaps Mario so hard that the igloo and Three come with him, the three of them crashing into Meggy and Tari. Mr Puzzles stands in shock for a few seconds and says "Well it took some time, but we finally have a winner! Smg4 wins the sPeCiAl pRiZe!" He grabs Four and tells him "Now let's go see what it is!" He used a remote to open a hole in the wall and begins pushing Four towards it.

The rest of them just sat there flabbergasted. "He didn't really win did he Luigi?" Three asked. Luigi stood there, staring at a broken board and shrugged. "I guess...he did?" Mario instantly recovered and saw the two heading into the prize room. "Oh boy! Oh boy! Mario wants to go see the prize!" He sneaks into the secret compartment, unknown to Mr Puzzles.

He excitedly awaited the grand prize, expecting it to be a never-ending spaghetti maker or something. Instead he was met with a dark room that was completely empty. Well...not exactly. Mr Puzzles led Four up to a scary looking machine. "Is...is this the prize?" Four nervously asked. "It sure is! And it's all yours!" He flipped a switch and two giant claws grabbed onto Smg4's arms. "Hey! What the-" They dragged him up as Mr Puzzles snickered.

This wasn't at all what Mario expected. He tried to run back out the door, but it closed on him. Mr Puzzles said in a cold tone "You see, I had to make you win somehow. I needed you."

"W-Why do you n-need me?"

"Oh, for something far important. From now on, you will serve me as my partner."

"WHAT!?"

"Thank you Smg4 for everything."

That was the last thing he said before he pressed a button and a wave of electricity shocked through his body. "AHHHHHHH!!! STOP IT!" Mario couldn't do anything, but watch as his best friend was tortured by Mr Puzzles. His relentless screaming. The increasingly inflicted amounts of pain. What...What exactly did Mr Puzzles want with Smg4? Why was he trying to capture him all this time?

"STOP IT PLEASE! Ş̶̨̤̫̞͖̃̔͒̃̎̓̍̅͛͆͠T̴̳̞̭̘̥́Ò̸̠͔̮̹̯͇̻͈̯̼̲̈̃́͋͛͗̄̎̕͜P̵̮̰̫͎̱̈́́͊ ̸̭̻̼͕͍̱̳̝͌͋͗̔̔́̈́̇̃̓̓̑͜͝I̶͈̹͚̫̭̞̙͕̞͑̇͐̇̌̀̓͗̆T̴̡̢̜̣̞̩̼̞͎̲̬͖̖͛̈́̓̾ͅ ̸̨̬͈͓̞̝̳̼͚̓̇͝S̷̨̰̰̮̝̯̺͔̭͕͉̐́͒̒̉̓̿͜͝Ť̷̳̞̰̇̎̆̀͋͐̏́͛̎̽̈̓͝Ȍ̴̧͓̭͑̐͜P̵͙̳̔̃̌ ̸̧̱̦͙̬̗̝̗̞̲̗̳̮̘̋́͂̈́̋̐͊͐̈́̆̈́͂͑͘͝Ḯ̴̧̧͈̮͓̫͎̙̼͔̖̪̇̑͘͜T̴̮̟̜͍͎̮̜̗͉̽̐̎̔̌͂̂̃̚ ̴̳͈̻̤͖̲̫̝̘̗̫̘̜̫͌̒͐̈́̓͗́̀̋͊̌͝S̷̢̬̜̤̝͈͔̪͙͔̫͈͗̈́͂͒̎ͅT̶̛͉̯̾̓̀͜Ǫ̶̜̔̿̃̍͝P̸̨̫̭̱̲̮̞͍̳̺̑͜ ̷̢̃̑̄͐̓͊̎̊I̶̧͍̲̍͋͘T̷͕̭͚͇͖̲̝͖̬̪̩̦̿͐̀̇͋̎̀ ̸̨̳͙̥͚̝̼͓͕̘̻̰̗͛̈́̓͛͗̀͝͝S̷̡̛͙͙̻͚͖̞̮͎͉̓͆̉͂̉͂̅͜T̴͚̮̝͉̲̿̑̾͋͒̇̆͘͠Ơ̴̢͔̩̜͖̫̲̬̬̪̼͂̍̈́͂̅̈́̐̔̕P̴̺̰̪̣̩͉̘͎͈̬͍̭̯̤͐̇̏̈́̋̓̈́̈́͗̄̀̓͝ ̸̢̢̜̳̟̫̥̖̱̭̜͇̩̐̒͐̄̉̿̍͆̊͗̏̉̈́̚ͅͅI̷̛̥͉̤̰͎̩̔́̅̅͋́́̍ͅT̸̥̮̯̫̙̪̝̯̟̭̻͚͇̈́̅̉̓̓̃͌̂̄͊̈́̑̑̇!̶̭̣͇̤̮̘͉͙͌̊̇͊̽̾̈́̍̀͐͋͑͝͝"

E̵n̸d̶ ̷o̶f̸ ̴S̴i̴m̶u̶l̵a̸t̴i̶o̸n̸.̸

W̵h̶a̷t̵ ̷d̸i̶d̸ ̶y̶o̶u̷ ̶t̶h̵i̶n̴k̶ ̷o̶f̸ ̷T̸o̸d̸a̴y̶'̴s̸ ̷E̸p̷i̵s̵o̴d̴e̶?̷

Chapter 13: PuzzleVision's Grand Finale

[laundrybiscuits]

(from the same universe as this and this but idk if it can be considered a continuation per se)

Jonathan frowns. “Can you at least talk to him? Like—give him some hope for the future. I think he’s really worried.” 

“Well, that’s gonna be a little complicated,” says Eddie slowly. “I can’t tell him it all worked out for me, because it didn’t. It’s not all worked out. I can’t even tell him it usually works out, because…fuck, Jon.” 

Eddie’s quiet for a little while, trying to fish words out of the white-water rapids in his head. There’s a lot of stuff that he just knows without knowing, and it’s not until he has to explain himself that he can put human language around it. 

“I never saw anyone like us over thirty,” he says, finally. “Maybe even less. I don’t even know all that many people like—like me and Will, but. It’s not just the virus, you know? It’s not even the odds of getting jumped on the street if you’re not careful. It’s…a guy I know out in the Twin Cities got kicked out of his apartment because someone told the landlord about him. Haven’t heard from him lately, I think he was sleeping rough for a while. Got another friend who was a teacher in Des Moines until the school board found out. Don’t know what he’s going to do for money now, I don’t guess he can get another job anywhere near kids. There’s a lot of ways shit can break bad, for us. I don’t want to lie to Will about that. Doesn’t feel right to sugar-coat it.”

“Christ,” says Jonathan. “That’s…really fucking depressing, man.”

Eddie shrugs. “I dunno. There’s good stuff too. Will’s lucky, he’s got you in his corner and he’s a smart kid. If anyone’s gonna be okay, it’ll be him. I just—I don’t know what that’s gonna look like.”

“Eddie.” Jonathan puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder and gives him one of those searching, soulful looks, intense enough to make Eddie briefly consider having a hopeless crush on Jonathan instead, just for a change of pace. “You’ve got us in your corner, too. You’re gonna be okay too, I promise. We’ll make sure of it.���

“Hell yeah, bring it in, my dudes,” says Argyle, and sweeps them both up in a bear hug. If Eddie’s eyes are a little damp and red when they finally let go, nobody says a word about it.

———

“I think you should talk to Murray,” Jonathan tells him, the next day.

“Who the fuck is Murray,” says Eddie.

“Oh,” says Jonathan. He stares up at the ceiling for a minute. “Shit, I forgot you don’t know about him. I mean. That makes sense.”

“So, are you going to tell me who Murray is, or do I start guessing? Tennis coach. Line cook at the diner. Argyle’s dead uncle and we’re going to do a seance.”

“Ohhh man, we should do a seance,” says Argyle. “Let’s get our ghosty-ghost on.”

“Shit, yes. I think I’ve got some candles somewhere.” Eddie sits up, glancing around his room. He’s pretty sure he’s got enough stuff to pull off some real spooky shit at short notice. 

“No, no, wait,” says Jonathan. “Murray’s like. This guy who lives in a bunker out in the middle of nowhere and helped us with monster stuff a while ago. He’s, like, a really intense doomsday prepper.”

“And I should talk to him because…”

Jonathan makes a face. “I guess I don’t know for sure, but—I think he’s gay? And he’s old. Over thirty, I mean. And you said you’d never met anyone who was gay and old, so, you should talk to him.”

“Okay,” says Eddie. “I’m going to list all the reasons why I’m not going to do that. There will be at least six and a half reasons but I might think of more as I go, so buckle in.”

———

“Nice jacket,” says Murray. “Is it anti-conformist enough, or do you need to write REBEL on your forehead to make sure people really get your whole vibe?”

[octopiys]

I don’t have a writing request but I do have something funny my friend said if you want to use it for an inaccurate quote.

“WAIT I READ THAT WRONG. I THOUGHT IT SAID COLORFULLY DEPRESSED PERSON, NOT DRESSED”

I have more if you want them:

🪶

YES A FIRST ASK IM SO EXCITED PLS SEND MORE

Incorrect COD as things my friends have said pt3

Ghost, looking at a dog with one eye: So.... how big you think his blindspot is?

-

Roach: I feel like a ghost would just be a soul and like some, yknow, water moisture.

Ghost: ???

-

Nikolai: I say... I say we cut the old lady out. Shave off some time.

-

Ghost: hey, look what I just sent you.

Soap: oh alright

Soap, opening up his phone:

Soap, spits out his coffee: hey that's not very-

Ghost: wh-?

Soap: OH.

Soap: WAIT I READ THAT WRONG. I THOUGHT YOU CALLED ME A COLOFULLY DEPRESSED PERSON, NOT DRESSED-

Gaz: you're a right idiot, mate.

Soap: shut up.

-

Rodolfo, trying to reassure Soap: no, no, you're gonna do fine! You're gonna be fine-!

Soap "Sucks At Spanish" MacTavish, entering Alejandro "Is Refusing To Talk In English" Vargas's room:

Rodolfo, turning to Ghost: he's gonna fail. He pronounced el pueblo like "Ell Pyuooblow".

-

Gaz: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of your mom

Price, deadpan: I'm giving you away.

-

Roach: I know you're an attention whore, so whore me!

Ghost:

-

König: I met a stripper for the first time last weekend!! I paid her a dollar and she licked my hand.

-

Soap: that's so sad. Imagine you're drowning, and you see a room full of air...

Soap: SIKE! GAS CHAMBER!

-

Valeria: so you know how people charge their crystals with sunlight and moonwater?

Alejandro: why are you in my house

Valeria: not important.

Valeria: anyways, we should try it with tequila.

-

Laswell, gesturing to Price: He knows how to please the gays.

-

Alex: you know, I had fish tacos in elementary school once.

Alex: then my appendix burst.

-

Gaz, about to go over some training course: It's gonna be like... you're at a party. John walks up to you. Offers you cocaine. Do you take it? Hell yeah.

-

Price: this is my husband, I know he looks like a twink but he might be able to beat you up.

Graves: hello??? Might???

-

Soap, reading a card: what were elvis's last words?

Gaz: this was supposed to be off topic, but I gotta take a shit.

-

Farah: don't mind me, just tickling Jeffery Dahmer

Alex: what?? The fuck???

Farah, showing him a tamagotchi:

-

Shepherd: no, that would be personification of science.

Shepherd: because science doesn't exist.

Graves, on his last limb here: sir-

[nkirukaj]

Fawning for You (7)

Pairing: Alastor x Voe (Fem!OC)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Angst (& Humor!)

Word Count: 2.4K

7. Don't Lose Ur Head

“So, he didn’t want to have sex with me,”

“Aw dang, he’s gay? Well send him on over here”

She laughs “He’s not gay!”

“Please, all sirens are at least bi,”

“Well he’s not homosexual…he kissed me,” she said like a little schoolgirl

“Aww, how cute. And gross. ‘He kissed me’” he pokes her side “Oooooh,”

Voe laughs “Stop!”

Just then Casper walks up into the parlor

“Hi Casper,” she waves to the siren

“Good morning,” he waves back

She sits up “So tell me something, why did you run away last night?”

He blushes “It was just a…it was out of character for me,”

“The running or the kiss?”

“The kiss,”

“Well don’t worry, it was just right,” she winks at him

Alastor enters the parlor and sits in his usual seat. He stares at the doe and the siren as they chat, smiling from ear to ear, filling him with disgust. Casper goes and takes his seat in a chair, while Voe stares at him biting her lip. She leaves her spot next to Angel and sits on Casper’s lap. Alastor squints at them, only for them to fall off the chair. Alastor snickers, but stops when he hears her and Casper laughing as well.

“Thanks, Casper,” Voe says

“What? You sat on my lap!”

“Why are you sitting on the chair like that?”

“That’s how I sit on chairs!”

“You’re literally ‘on the edge of your seat’” she chuckles

Casper sits back on the chair, “Yes I am,”

Voe places her palm on the siren’s chest “Move back,” she pushes him further back on the chair and plops right down on his lap.

“Better?”

“Better,” she speaks seductively

Alastor thought this was a place for adults, not a playground. He had grown tired of her antics, clearly trying to get a rise out of him and he wasn’t going to let it happen. He wondered when she would give up this game and admit that she was wrong and then maybe they could move past this. He gets up and exits, knowing he can no longer stand the childish display in front of him. Alastor could not take this for that much longer. What was her end goal? What was going on through her mind? Toying with him in this manner was just cruel, and she was looking for redemption? She would never reach heaven if she continued to play with his feelings. Shoving her new date in his face like he was some common sinner. He was the Radio Demon for fuck’s sake. He takes the time to breathe and compress, for him to think clearly. He had plans. Big plans. And he refused to let her and her foolishness get in the way. Even if he did miss her scent, her eyes, her hair, and her smile. Even if he sometimes dreamed about caressing her skin, pulling down her straps, and kissing her shoulder. Even if he thought of sliding down her-

Focus Alastor, focus.

“I want to see your hotel room, is there water in there?”

Casper scoffs “No,”

“Ugh, you’re so boring!”

“What do you think cuz I’m a fish that-“

“Yes,”

“Oh my gosh,” he shakes his head “No, you’re wrong,”

“And you’re boring,”

“I guess I’m boring,”

Voe leans back “So, what did you do to get down here?”

“Apparently being a bystander in a frat house gets you into Hell,”

“Ugh, you were a frat boy?”

“Yeah, but I’m here because I want to change,” he purses his lips “Let a lot of things slide and when you let too much slide then you end up down here,”

“That seems so unlike you, but then again, I haven’t known you for that long,”

He picks up a grape with his tail “What about you?” and feeds it to himself

She leans on her arm “Um, I was a mean girl. A really mean girl. And I ruined a few people’s lives and reputations for my own desires. Like sleeping with married women.”

Casper furrows his brows “Why though?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you do that?”

She stops and thinks about it, no one had ever asked her why she chose to do the things that got her into Hell

“I guess because I was bored?”

“Cop-out!”

She laughs “Okay!” she thinks some more “I guess so no one would pick on me, I picked on them myself,”

“Who picked on you?”

“When I was a kid other kids made fun of me for my autism,”

“You’re autistic?”

She nods “Yup, and you know other kids are really good at picking up on that kind of stuff. So they bullied me. Called me names and such. So I grew up with very low self-esteem, and you know.” she shrugs “People with low self-esteem do anything to feel good about themselves, even if it never lasts,”

Casper sits, staring at her

“What?”

“I think it’s really admirable that you know what you need to fix,”

“I agree, but about you,” she pulls at her ear

Casper points up “Is that a stim?” she nods and he stares longer “May I kiss you again?” she nods again

Casper leans in and catches her lips with his and she wraps her arms around his neck as he lays her down on the carpeted floor.

Alastor came upon her in the hallway, her standing in place and texting. He dissipates his cane and decides to try something different. He approaches her from behind and wraps his arms around her pulling her close to his chest and resting his chin on her head. After hearing her sniff and snuggle back, she pulls away and whips around in anger.

“What are you doing?”

Alastor’s face turns a slight red in the cheeks, embarrassing really. “I-I apologize,” he walked away 

He cannot be doing this now! He ignored her all this time and now once she’s getting into something with Casper, he comes along and gives her butterflies? Now hewants to give her affection? What was he trying to do to her head? Voe drops her head in her hands and makes herself sob. It sucks so bad that even after all this time she still loved him and wanted him. 

“Then make yourself un-want him!”

Voe groans “I’m pretty sure that’s impossible,”

“I get it,”

She smirks a little “Like how you want Husk?”

“I mean, no. That’s not who I was talking about,”

She stares “Val?”

“Yeah…”

“Do you miss him?”

Angel tilts his head “Sometimes I do. Sometimes I miss him a lot,”

“What do you do then?”

“What I usually do to forget,”

“Get high?”

He nods “Yup,”

She stops and sits there thinking “Can I get high with you?”

“What?”

She repeats herself “Can I get high with you?”

“Um sure, wanna go to the club?”

Voe shakes her head “No, not again,”

Angel laughs and pulls out a baggie,  “Let’s do it!”

Voe has tears running in a constant waterfall down her face. She sobs onto Angel’s shoulder and the spider rolls his eyes 

“Well, that didn’t work,”

“And I don’t understand! I just wanna feel special you know? I wanna feel pretty, am I pretty?”

He pets her head “You’re gorgeous,”

“Why doesn’t Alastor think I’m pretty?”

“I’m sure he thinks you’re beautiful,”

She sits up to look at the spider “Then he would tell me right? And I wanna be a good person, but it’s so hard when I feel bad about myself!”

“Don’t feel bad about yourself,’

Voe snorts “Thanks,”

“I don’t know! Dames are weird!”

“Sexist!” she sneezes

Voe stands and exits her room 

“Wait where you going? Hey, hey!” he looks out the door and sees her getting in the elevator “Oh shit!” Angel rushes toward the elevator and gets there as the door closes “Shit! Welp, it’s out of my hands,” he says as he snorts another spoon

Voe bangs on Alastor’s door, tears still running. She doesn’t say anything but stands there waiting for him to open the door. He does.

“Can I help you?” he asks with a confused look in his eyes

She swallows, holding herself “Do you hate me?”

“What?”

“Go ahead and say it, you hate me!”

“I don’t hate you. Why would I hate you?”

She looks away “Because I told the Vees all that information about you. But I did not tell them everything!”

“Well, you sure told them enough,”

“I didn’t tell them about your dad,”

Alastor stands quietly “Probably because by then it was too late,”

“No,” she shakes her head 

“No?” he raises his brow

“No, he-he-he Vox, he asked me for more after you told me that, and I didn’t tell him!” she flaps her hands vigorously.

Angel finally gets up the stairs “AH! What’d’ya say? Whatever she said she didn’t mean it,”

Voe claps at every syllable “I mean everything!”

“Ah shit, anybody gonna tell me what she said?”

Alastor turns back to Voe, ignoring Angel “Did you come here to accomplish something?” he raises his eyebrows

Voe points her finger at Alastor, poking his nose, he moves back “You don’t think I’m pretty!” she flaps her hands again

Alastor grabs her wrists “I think you’re beautiful,” looking her in the eyes

Voe blushes and cries a bit more “Then why do you treat me so bad?”

“The same reason you treat me so bad, my dear,” he poked Voe’s nose “Take her to bed,” he told Angel

“Yeah,” Angel picks up Voe and tosses her over his shoulder

“I’m not done!” she shouts

“Yeah, ya are. Maybe I won’t tell you about this tomorrow, it’ll be like it never happened,”

“Alastor!” He stares at her as Angel carries her to the elevator, slightly waving as the doors close.

Alastor reenters his bedroom. He had been reading a novel before the sudden intrusion. He couldn’t get back into the intricacies of the story after that little debacle. What had she meant when she said that he didn’t think she was pretty? Of course, he thought she was beautiful. He always had. And she knew that. So why did she ask that? And what had she meant when she asked if he hated her? No, of course not. He did have some tendencies to be petty and cruel, but she knew this also, why was she asking questions that she knew the answers to? He had never been this confused before. Not when he decided to become a radio host, not when he committed murders, or when he ate other demons. Leave it to her to confuse him unlike he’d ever been before. He sits down in his armchair, perhaps he should try something different? Though he has done that and gotten this result, perhaps he needed to try something in the middle, he thought. Or perhaps she needed to wake up and smell the coffee. 

“Hey, Casper?”

“Hm?”

“I just wanna make something clear,”

He turns to look at her “Okay,”

She fiddled with her fingers “I’m not looking for something super serious,”

“Okay, that’s fine,”

“Like I’m not trying to fall in love,”

“Neither am I,”

“Great! We’re on the same page,”

“Cool,”

They stand in silence for a moment “Can we make out again?”

“Definitely,”

______________________________

“Okay, so I never want to do crack again. It didn’t help, all I remember is feeling even worse, guess because I wasn’t sober enough to suppress my feelings ha ha ha”

voe the crackhead???

crackhead doe 😂😂😂

“I’m not a crackhead! I just tried it once to feel better, but it didn’t work. So what else can I try? Not drugs!”

lol fresh outta luck

alcohol?

“Tried that already,”

lmao then outta luck lmaoooo

how is rhe theater???

yeah how’s the theater

what show ya doing?

do hello dolly!

“Oh my gosh, that show is so old! The theater is coming along wonderfully! If anyone else would like to work under me, you can come to the theater and sign the contract. But at the moment we are now working on the first layer of the stage, it’s almost done, we just have to fortify it. Is that the right word? I don’t know, we’re making it stronger I guess? Leaving some space in between to make it so there would be something of a hollowish sound when you step on it. Planks in between. I don’t know, you guys probably don’t care. But I’m not doing ‘Hello Dolly!’ I’m thinking of something more contemporary, on the bright side, I don’t have to worry about copyright and licensing laws because who’s gonna sue me? I’m in Hell!” She laughs 

so what you gonna do?

“I was thinking of letting my staff decide, via voting. So if you want a say then you know what to do,”  She gives a wink to the camera “Do y’all even like theater?”

lol

kinda??

never allowed in in my time period

im a man from the 1800s

theater makes you gay

theater is unbecoming for a woman

women shouldn’t be in theater

“How are you on social on social media with those opinions? Like, are you keeping up with the times or not?”

opinions matter

“They shouldn’t if they’re holding you back!”

…is she serious 

she deadass??

“All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t let anything step in the way of your happiness,”

WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO BE OWNED

LIKE I WAS A SLAVE

“Like…for real? Like antebellum south?”

YEAH FOR REAL

“Well…shit, that’s crazy. Do you even know what theater is?”

are you sure you know what you’re doing?

“Is anybody ever 100% sure?”

she doesn’t know what shes doing

“Nope!” and she logs off.

Woof. Now she was sweating. That felt really intense for no reason. Perhaps she didn’t know what she was doing, but it much it was much too late to back down now. She wasn’t used to having to plan things out. She would always just wing it and it would work out. But it was time to get real, being an Overlord wasn’t a joke, and she really needed to get her shit together.

[the0retically]

114 Thoughts

- I wrote down almost every thought I had while watching this episode and I already want to go back and rewatch it, but if anyone wants to read my descent to madness here it is!

- Jay and Chip peak siblings this episode though

- IT’S GILLY SKIN??

- “That’s gilly skin.” “Well….hope he’s alright”

- Why do I feel like Goobleck is about to come back

- Also them talking about the ways they’ve thought about dying is So sad

- God fuck RAFT, they’re studying the hollowed to use it??

- Oh god other triton skin, is edyn here??

- Also when I said I wanted another Chip and Jay session of them doing stuff I didn’t want this

- Bizly and Condi need to deafen and leave for this?????

- That’s gotta be Edyn in this room with Gill right?

- WAIT IS IT ARLIN?? IS ARLIN UP ON THE HOOKS WITH GILLION?? Ok no it’s a triton

- KUBA KENTA?? He always said rats, is it him?? HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD IT IS

- GILLION YOU PUT THE HELMET ON??

- Oh god this helmet device is Not good, Gillion :(

- HE FEELS THE NEED TO BE A MORE OBEDIENT SOLDIER WHAT THE FUCK??

- Charlie rolled a zero on initiative goodness

- 20 ON STEALTH LETS GOOO GILLION!!

- HES BACK WITH THE GROUP!

- Also Gill please tell them about Kuba, good job that they know about his thoughts about the prophecy now but please they should know about Kuba

- “Fuck my fucking gay ass stupid life” CONDI PLEASE

- Fish and chips I hate you /j what the hell do you mean you dock your poles together??

- I do love that Chibo is still a nickname that’s just fun

- Oh god please tell me the crew didn’t follow them into the stronghold

- Chip is going through it

- “Praise the solar mother” ???? Ok grandma ferin

- But also I cannot believe they split up and left Jay alone

- And now Condi has to deafen while we’re with Gill and Chip goodness

- WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT GILLION IS NOT GILLION

- “They didn’t make me with all of his memories; you didn’t really think I just grew the skin back did you?”

- God and Condi is deafened for this oh not Not Ferin Well OH NO

- “I took the fireball for you” “yeah and that’s when I knew I had you”

- Charlie you’re too good at this

- My face is numb oh god chip please be ok

- “You hear in your head: chip is about to die” NO NO NO NO

- I have never felt dread like this before for a piece of media oh my god

- “…I don’t know how chip works?” “I don’t either dude!”

- Also I really want the riptide dice whenever they come out

- God Gillion seeing himself again must be Difficult

- Gill still has 1 HP goodness

- They’re gonna die, I’ve never been this scared for them

- THANK GOD THEYRE OUT THEYRE BACK TOGETHER

- oh god a chase now

- I JUST CHOKED OH MY WATER “oh yeah guys Kuna Kenta is downstairs! :D”

- Literally had to get up and pace for a few minutes

- “Do you think we can befriend doppel-Gilly?”

- Thank god doppel-Gilly can’t use prophetic screwup

- “Hey dopple-Gilly it is your destiny to jump into the hole” OH MY GOD??

- This has become some looney tunes shenanigans and I love it

- “I killed you once and I’ll do it again!” “I’m gonna go down with a smile and fuck you up and change the trajectory of your life!”

- This is insanity

- Also ok but both Chip and Gillion trying to convince Jay to get the other out of that room and save the other was Heartbreaking

- DOPPLE-GILLY IS PULLING FROM THE DECK?????? BIZLY WHY DID YOU SUGGEST THAT

- Prophetic screwup playing during this is so funny

- Condi just losing it and then everyone else just laughing is killing me

- This episode has been incredible holy shit

[scart-t]

The Inauguration Ceremony

Fontaine Airport buzzed with its usual crowd, hundreds of people hustling and bustling within its confines. Some rushed towards security, fearing they might miss their flights, while others savored moments in cafes before departure. A few strolled leisurely towards the exit, reuniting with families and friends.

In the midst of the Parisian-clad individuals, a 6ft tall gentleman moved gracefully. He wore a blue vest over a white dress shirt and blue slacks, complemented by a long dark blue trench coat with gold lining. Onlookers couldn't help but be captivated by his handsomeness as they watched him move through the airport. A distracted young lady, engrossed in her phone call and clutching a coffee cup, accidentally collided with the stranger, spilling hot coffee all over herself.

“WHAT THE HELL!” Startled, the young lady looked up, only to find herself charmed by the stranger's appearance.

The man briefly glanced at her before redirecting his attention elsewhere.

“U-uh, sorry. I didn't see you there. I hope I didn't hurt you. I was on the phone, and…” the young lady apologized bashfully.

“You gotta be kidding me,” the man retorted.

“WHAT?!” The lady looked at him incredulously.

Before she could say anything else, the man left.

“The heck was your problem? I was just—” the lady started, attempting to address him.

“Hey, relax. He wasn't talking to you,” another person intervened.

“Excuse me?” The lady turned around to face another 6ft tall individual, this one with gay and green streeked hair, donning a black suit and a green tie. Speechless at his appearance, the lady bowed as the gray-haired man left to follow after his boss.

“Be careful of what you were thinking out loud. That woman was about to-” Alhaitham said "They can't be serious!" Neuvillette exclaimed, fuming with anger as he looked at a commercial his company produced.

"Can you even tell what product they're promoting? They just slapped a nobody on it and called it an ad."

"Yeah, you're right. I don't recognize him at all," Alhaitham said, agreeing while watching the ad.

"Find out whoever handled this. I want a name today," Neuvillette demanded, tearing his eyes from the ad to look at his secretary, Alhaitham, before leaving.

"Clear," Alhaitham sighed, feeling the weight of returning to Fontaine only to dive straight into work.

In the Fonatasia Research Lab, a food developer named (Y/N) was diligently working on different recipes for various products in their projects. Currently focused on finding innovative ways to make fish and chips, she experimented with different marinades for the fish.

While engrossed in her work, her phone rang. She swiftly removed her gloves and mask to answer the call.

"Hello, Monsieur Lyney? Oh! Already? I'm on my way! Got it!" she said hurriedly, grabbing her company ID and leaving the lab to head to the conference hall. As she made her way through the crowd, the distinct aroma of fish trailed behind her causing people to cover their nose as she made her way to her cowokers.

"Monsieur Lyney! Madame Lynette! Monsieur Friement! I'm here."

"Why are you so late?" Lyney said.

"I was busy working on the cod marinade for the fish and chips," Y/n replied, fixing her appearance.

"Take it easy, you..." Lyney was about to scold Y/n when he saw Friement sniffing, making him and Lynette do the same.

"My Celestia, you smell fishy!" Lyney exclaimed.

"Is it really that bad? I can't really tell," Y/n said, trying to smell herself.

"Woah, how could you not? Come here," Lyney said as he procured Lynette's perfume from thin air and sprayed Y/n with it.

"It's okay. It shows how hard you have been working on your research," Lynette said with a small smile.

Y/n leaned to hug Lynette, but Lynette gently pushed Y/n softly so that she didn't catch the fishy smell.

"Please take your seats, everyone," the PA announced as they were called inside the conference for President Neuvilette's inauguration ceremony.

As Y/n was about to sit next to Lynette, Lyney, and Friement, Lynette motioned for her to sit in a seat apart from them.

Lyney sighed and said, "I guess they were right about President Neuvilette; he really is a workaholic, straight from an office overseas. Not a single day of a break."

"You know what I heard? I heard he was actually really hot," Friement deadpanned, remembering what his friend Aerie from Research Department 1 had mentioned.

"I'm not really sure. He wasn't even there when I first started at the main branch, but you know, he can't be that handsome if that is his mother," Y/n said, jokingly.

Furina sat in the front row with the other executives, excited for her son to make his speech at the inauguration. The executives beside her congratulated her, now that her son would be the new president of the company.

From the back, Friement and Lyney took a look at Furina.

"Oh, maybe it's not true," Friement said as he leaned back, hugging his stuffed penguin.

"I also heard he's good looking and looks like a celebrity," Lynette added.

"Oh, the apple can't fall too far from the tree. He'll look okay at best."

"President Neuvilette will now make his inauguration address," the MC said, making everyone silent and straighten up, excited to see the president.

Everyone clapped as they saw a gray and green streaked-haired person making his way on stage, taking his place at the podium.

"Oh my god, he's so gorgeous," the girls in front of Y/n whispered.

"Wait, isn't that..." Lynette said.

Instead of Neuvilette on the podium, it was Alhaitham on stage. Furina looked at Alhaitham, glaring at him, expecting Neuvilette to be on stage.

"Thank you and welcome. My name is Alhaitham; I'm the company's chief secretary, and I'm here on behalf of President Neuvilette."

Everyone started whispering, confused as they thought he was the president.

"Chief secretary?" Y/n said questioningly.

"And I'm now going to deliver his inauguration address. To everyone who worked for today's inauguration ceremony, despite my former insistence on not having one, thank you very much. Going forward, I hope we prioritize business matters as opposed to meaningless events such as this one. I look forward to meeting you all in the near future. Thank you very much."

"Is that it?" Lyney said to Friement while Y/n giggled at how the president was such a character.

"This is amazing," Y/n thought.

"That would be all. Yours truly, President Neuvilette."

"I can't believe these arrogant little pricks! Oh, what are they thinking?" Furina said angrily, standing up and leaving the conference hall.

Everyone bowed as she left with her executives, and Alhaitham sneaked away, bowing to everyone first before leaving the stage.

"That's weird, so where is the president then?" Lynette said.

"I don't know, but all I can say is he sure is a character," Y/n said, giggling while shaking her head.

a/n: hehe hope you all enjoy it! wanna be part of the taglist click here

Taglist: none yet

[cyborg-franky]

Hi, so first of all, how are you doing? Have you been drinking water? (I apologize for my thrash english TT)

I saw your requests open, so, if it's not much of a trouble, could I possibly ask for platonic headcanons for the ASL brothers having an older brother (reader) who comes out as gay to them?

If you don't want to it's ok. Take care!

Did you want them like kids right?

PLATONIC

Ace, Sabo and Luffy with Older Brother reader SFW Coming Out

You were nervous as hell. You knew you were like an older brother to the three of them, the only nice and only stable adult in their lives and you were so worried that your news would make them hate you.

You couldn’t tell your own family and you needed the secret out, you wanted the most important people in your life to know the real you.

Would the boys even know what you meant? Sabo and Ace were smart, right? Luffy, well the jury was out on that one.

Watching the campfire crackle to life thanks to Ace, you saw how Luffy and Sabo got ready to attempt to cook the fish, something you’d shown them.

You smiled when they did it right, proud of your younger brothers for all they had learned out here.

“Hey guys,” You started, getting their attention. Sabo looked up, Luffy already trying to grab at the uncooked fish while Ace slapped his hand.

“Yeah?” All said at once, Ace grunting in annoyance at the coincidence.

“I have something..to…tell you..” They were just kids, this shouldn’t be so hard right? 

But they looked up to you, and the village you came from would demonize you for just being you. If you lost the younger boys, well, you’d have no one.

“Well? Spit it out.” Ace snapped and narrowed his eyes, slapping Luffy’s hand, again.

Sabo watched you with wide eyes, curious about what this secret could be, it must have been big from how you were acting about it.

You looked over their faces one more time and took a breath. “I’m gay.”

“Yeah? And?” Ace rolled his eyes, a smug look on his face. “I knew that.”

“How?” Ace shrugged in reply and Luffy sat up straight, looking confused. “Gay?” you nodded, itching your head, At least you’d been right about Ace.

“Means I am a boy who likes other boys.” You said as simply as you could. “Alright,” Luffy nodded before the conversation once again meant nothing to his limited attention span, he just went to grab at the cooked fish. Leaving Sabo to reply.

“That’s fine? What’s wrong with that? Girls are kinda gross anyway.” Sabo spat and shrugged his shoulders, Ace and Luffy both agreeing with vigorous nods of their head.

You smiled a little, no idea why you’d been so worried in the first place.

[bath-creek-lake]

Ardowin Ice Cream Shop AU

Lake and Jerry retired and opened a fun and successful novelty ice cream shop.

*A room of Ardowinians talking about their favorite Ice Cream Shop*

"Hey let's go to Lake and Jerry's!"

"Yeah! My favorite flavor is Molten Lava Lake"

"Cool, I like Lemon the Librarian."

"Ooo, I like the Fiasco Espresso!"

"The Johnny Goldfudge is great."

"I wish they would bring back Galentines Day strawberry flavor!"

"The Little KitKat is my go to."

"Nah, Sparrow's Sweet Revenge is better, more crunchy bits in it."

"I am partial to the Ice Cream on a Stick over a pint."

"Isn't that just a pretzel dipped in chocolate?"

"Yeah, and what about it?"

"B3 is sooo good with the Brownie, Brittle, and Bourbon."

"I love the Bane Train: Chunky Chunky, am I right?"

"no one likes you."

*that guy who said "chunky chunky" leaves out of embarrassment*

"Everyone knows The Cherry Bronco Rescue Cream tastes way better"

"Wendy's Horse Tracks is more my speed."

"I'm really happy they figured out how to make grape flavor because The Mother Treat Grape Tenders heals my soul."

"So sad they discontinued Arin's Nine Lives..."

"Yeah they replaced it with The Gildhart's Nougat-tech."

"What was in Arin's Nine Lives again?"

"Gummy fish, chocolate coins, black licorice, banana ice cream, vanilla ice cream, rainbow sprinkles, mint leaves, graham crackers, and peanut butter fudge."

"Yikes."

"They actually didn't discontinue it, they just renamed it The Nine Layers of Hell."

"Sounds about right."

"Poor Arin, I hear those were his favorite flavors."

"Ok, but can we talk about BFB: Banana Fudge Brownie."

"What is that a reference to again, and why is it hot pink?"

"Best Friend Bug, that little gay thing that hangs around Lake."

"Oh yeah!"

*Best Friend Bug peers around the corner to floss and/or hit the gritty."

"Hey! We love you BFB!!!!"

*British accent* "My friends call me William."

"Back to ice cream. A-la-mode-ious Apple Pie is kind of fire tbh."

"In terms of niche references, Delicious Awesome Pastry is baller."

If we are going niche Ish’Kraash: Not So Vanilla, man I could fuck that shit up!"

"The Bedlam Revelers Line is so good, Cherry Pit was my favorite."

"I wish they released the Elo-Quince flavor."

"I'm sad it got killed in production."

"I really love the SAGE of Ardowin flavor it's kind of like the god of all ice cream to be so real."

"Man, I could talk about ice cream all day. I am so glad The Chain Breakers saved the worl-- *gets hit by train*

thank you @whats-paper / @lionel-the-librarian for co-writing this with me!

[slamminslamminmcgill]

hiiiiiiiiiii :) do u have any soft lalo HCs? like do u think he ever says i love you? does he even believe in romantic love?? would he cry in front of u or let you help him with wounds or when he's too fucked up to function?? this man is so hard but like ugh baby boy...

(ps i've said this before but god i can't get enough of ur work ur massive brain kills me)

HIIIII im so glad you like my stuff!!!! i got some lalito thoughts for u but they're kinda sad 🥺 hope u like it

the elusive sfw post on SSM 😳 limited release imma sell this as an NFT

warning: homophobia, violence/blood, intoxication

does he say "i love you"?: yes

does he believe in romantic love?: absolutely

would he ever cry in front of you?: no! :) not a chance in hell. you would have to be mortally wounded for him to let a single teardrop out and even then he wouldn't want you to see it.

^ the reason for that is what we call trauma 😌 tío hector fucked his brain up immensely.

lalo is gay. im not even remotely sorry but look at him. he has no interest in women and he never did. that was probably a real blow to hector's ego. he was raising lalo (and the other cousins later on) to take over the business, to be strong, to be a man. and in his eyes, lalo's sexuality was a weakness, a weakness that had to be beaten.

and in the spirit of helping him beat his weakness, lalo probably got the shit beat out of him throughout his childhood anytime he did something fruity. it was to show him what strength is, what he was supposed to be.

obviously, his sexual orientation wasn't changing. you cannot beat the gay out of someone. but he changed in other ways.

if his sexuality was a flaw, a weakness, then he would have to compensate for it. he could not show weakness in any other aspect of his life. ever. he could not let anything hurt him. he trained himself not to cry. if someone called him a faggot, he'd say "damn right!" and laugh it off. anytime he felt fear or sadness, he'd mold it into anger instead.

i'd imagine that he spent most of his adolescence/young adulthood trying to prove he could be strong in spite of his orientation. and in the salamanca family, strong means ruthless, brutal. there was probably some incident where he proved himself to be just as vicious as anyone else, and that earned him his uncle's respect. he still wasn't thrilled that his nephew was gay, but he didn't resent him for it anymore. he accepted that was just how he was.

as lalo grew up, he grew more comfortable being soft in certain aspects. he would still never cry, but he let himself enjoy moments of vulnerability.

i think his love language would be acts of service. cooking for you, giving you gifts, little things he can do to show you how much he cares. he tends to be more of a giver, but he likes to get spoiled on occasion :3 he may be a brat about it first tho

him getting too fucked up to function? anon your MIND. mans hits the tequila too hard at a party and you have to be the one to take him home. he swears up and down that he's fine, but he can't even walk straight. lalo gimme your keys i'm driving you back.

he blows a raspberry at you and whines "whaaaaat?! nooo, you don't... you don't gotta do that for me. i can drive just fine." he fishes his keys out of his pocket and immediately drops them on the ground.

alright that's it get in the damn passenger seat you dummy. he's too sauced to buckle himself in so you have to do it for him. when you lean over him he pulls you in for a kiss and giggles to himself.

tending to his wounds. anon your big juicy throbbing pulsating MIND. definitely a case where he's forced to show some weakness. lil homie gay ass comes home with a gunshot wound in his arm and he's like "oh this? yeah, work today got a little heated. i'm okay, though. :)"

lalo there is a hole in your arm. you are not fine.

"no really, i am! see?" mans holds up the BULLET HE FISHED OUT OF HIS ARM AND SHOWS IT TO YOU 💀💀💀 "i got it out! :D"

okay, cool. there is still a hole in your arm. please let me stitch it up.

you take him into the bathroom and have him sit on the edge of the bathtub while you stitch him up. you weren't an expert, but the fifth or sixth time he tried to sleep off a stab wound had given you some decent practice.

he winces and sharply inhales when the needle goes in, but he's quick to cover his tracks with a joke. "carajo (damn), do you have to pull so hard? just shoot me again, why don't you!"

yes lalo i do there is a gaping fucking hole in your body let me fix it you freak

"okay, okay, do what you gotta. you're so good to me, baby. gonna fix me up and make me look nice and pretty, eh?"

in conclusion! this man needs so much therapy 🖤