#tw for mentions of heavy abuse

[our-trans-youth-experience]

I feel so hopeless.

I don’t think I can wait until im 18 to transition. I dont know if I can even stay alive that long. Hell I cant stand the thought of having this body for 5 more years. My mom recently told me that she wouldn’t bear to look at me anymore if I ever got an abortion or top surgery, which I know is wrong for her to believe, but it still hurts so much. I’m not even out to her yet and she’s still being transphobic towards me and honestly I didn’t think that was possible. I don’t feel like a real transgender because I can’t even decide on a name for myself. I don’t even look like a boy. The only thing I can do is bind. My transmasc friend can pass so much better than me, I feel like he gets misgendered so much less than I do, and I just think he’s so lucky. Is it wrong for me to think that? I don’t know but I’ve lost so much hope. I don’t know anything. And it just feels like no one else really gets it.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

I’m sorry for the heavy ask.

-Lib (maybe, still considering other names)

Hey kiddo,

I know it feels hopeless, and I've been there (and still am there sometimes ngl). Your mother doesn't sound like a very good one, if she won't support her child's decisions about what they do with their body. It's your body, so it's completely up to you what to do with it even if that means you lose your mother's support. I'd recommend you avoid coming out to your mother as I don't think it'd be a safe thing for you to do. It's hard, not being "properly" out, but it'll be worth it in the long run.

You are really trans, you aren't faking it. You're trans enough and I believe you. If you still look "like a girl", I believe you and am currently in the same situation. Some of my trans friends change their name every week, some have multiple names at once, it doesn't make them any less trans. You say you can bind, so hang onto that because that is awesome! (That being said please remember to do so as safely as possible even if you have really bad dysphoria)

Please try not to compare yourself to other trans people you know, it doesn't help. However, it isn't wrong for you to be doing that because we all compare ourselves, although we probably shouldn't. Transition is not linear and everyone's transition is different and at a different pace because everyone's situation is different. So if your transition is at a slower pace, that doesn't make you any less trans, your journey just has more turns and is a bit more complicated.

There is hope, and I know it's what everyone says but I promise it's true: it does get better. It's not going to happen overnight, but things will get easier.

You say that noone really understands, but I promise I do. I'm still a kid, with an abusive/unsupportive mother, who has a few years left until I'm an adult and will likely rely on my parents for a while longer. I haven't come out to any of my family and only some of my friends, and I still look as much like a girl as I did when I was 5 years old. I struggled for years and still do, although I think I'm recovering. There's a whole bunch more, but simply put I'm in a very similar situation to you, you're not alone I promise.

It's not hopeless, I love you and I am here for you, and I need you to stay, even though I know how tough it is. Please reach out to me whenever you need to, I would be happy to talk to you as a friend and both my messages and my inbox are always open, although I'll likely reply to messages more quickly and they won't be posted. You are so loved, and I am here for you, stay safe <3

-Sage (he/they) :)

[ima-ghost-art]

Immortal Leo HC

TW: Suicide attempts & abuse

Okay so what if Hera succeeded in burning away Leo's mortality when he was a baby?? What if now, the reason he survived so long on the streets from such a young age, how multiple gods have had intense reactions to him, how he can go so long under such intense stress and no sleep and yet still manage to keep the ship running, why Gaia had always seen him as her biggest threat,,, was all because Leo was essentially immortal??

Now he wasnt a God, not yet at least. When it gets revealed by Hera after he returns from saving Calypso, she tells him, he could gain godly status if he chose a domain. The other gods couldnt challenge his claim, he was already an immortal demigod who had literally saved the world from destruction, and had the favour of multiple gods plus two camps of demigods.

All he had to do was claim his divinity and it was his.

Now.. Leo had known he couldnt die since he was a kid. Not long after the death of his mother, he had lived through things that should have killed him more times he could count, and it only fuelled his aunts hatred of him and the wishing he had died with his mom even more.

He could go weeks without eating, sleeping while he was on the streets, been beaten over and over again, in ways he knows no other kid would have been able to survive, and even attempted his own life on numerous occasions, each in a different way from the last, just trying so badly for it to end.

But instead he was seen as a "miracle" or more realistically an "exception" a "fluke" an "oddity" a "freek of human nature"

Leo still felt all the pain though, that last thin thread tying him to the fragile mortal body he was born with that still pumped with red blood. No one questioned why it shimmered with flecks of gold when he bled, no one ever looked at him long enough to care.

Being a demigod was enough to help Leo start to understand this part of himself, but just like his fire this was something else to set him apart from the others.

A little too much power

Not quite enough mortal

After his return from Ogygia, Heras announcement was only confirmed more by how Leo's blood now ran fully gold, the aura around himself stronger now, still not a God sure, but definitely no mortal demigod either.

Although his attempts too die once again, battling Gaia, (the physicians cure safely tucked away in Hazels coat pocket instead of on Festus with him) He instead finished burning away his mortal flesh, leaving everything else behind.

Unlike Percy did all those years ago, Leo never had a choice.

The Campers all saw him different now, no longer like them, the Gods now actually held him in some form of respect, even Zeus didnt make much of an argument about it.

He was expected to become a God..

Some of the campers even started giving him offerings for saving the camp. There was talks about building him a shrine, what domain would he now be the symbol of? would festus be his sacred companion?? Could they worship there friend who wasnt even dead but was he even living???

Leo never wanted to be immortal, just for once he wished to be like everyone else...

[harukapologist]

Lately I was thinking about 0108 parallels since they're both so associated with water and I had a thought.

Haruka and Amane are both shown drowning in their MVs

Amane tries to swim back up; she believes she can still get what she reaches out for,

she believes she can still truly be a “good girl” despite how much it is destroying her and how terrified she is of the very people who enforce the cult ideals on her, to the point that their faces never appear in her MVs (in Magic, there weren't even any humans beside her to begin with, only the mascots and animals)

Haruka, on the other hand, just lets himself fall into the water; he does try to reach out for what he wants—his mother’s love—later on in the MV

but she promptly disappears, i.e he already knows it’s no use doing that. He’s accepted that he cannot become what is expected of him, he believes that he’s inherently at fault and has already accepted that (thus the inno verdict in T1 ignited a lot of inner conflict and self loathing, even though he tries to appear confident and happy and Okay)

[fandomwe1rd0]

"Colors" A Rick and Morty songfic

TW ALOCHOL AND DRUG ABUSE UNDER THE CUT

Your little brother never tells you, but he loves you so

Rick was looking at Morty. He was asleep, he looked so peaceful when he's asleep, so much different then how he usually saw Morty, yelling, running, and overall just being anxiety if anxiety was a person. He sighed as he saw the bruises that littered Morty's arms after their latest adventure, he ran a hand through his hair as he sighed. He took a syringe and injected it into Morty's cheek letting out a deep sigh. A churning in his gut formed with the knowledge that this was his fault. He patted Morty's head with a whisper "I'm sorry..."

Rick's inner voice insulted him "You don't deserve his forgiveness. You're a piece of shit."

You said your mother only smiled on her tv show

Morty tapped on her mom's shoulder. Beth turned over "What!?" Morty flinched

"See even your mom doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, she hates you. Everyone does." Morty's inner voice chided.

Morty stammered "I-I-I just-" Beth sighed "Look, I'm busy right now, can it wait?" "But I-" Beth sent a glare that sent shivers down Morty's spine, "Wait." Morty gulped then Beth's phone rang. She pinched her nose and mumbled "This shit again..." She answered the phone with a smile on her face, she chirped, her voice like honey "Hello! This is Beth! Yes I can go to the horse hospital right now!" Beth started walking and Morty grabbed onto her arm "Wait mom-" Beth ripped herself from Morty's grip and went to the horse hospital, while Morty gripped onto the card he made Beth for Mother's Day.

You're only happy when you're sorry, head is filled with dope

Rick was high off of kalaxium crystal, he also maybe had a weeeee bit of whiskey. Hah. That's what he told himself. It made his addiction sound less serious right? In truth, he only had 2 bottles. Less than the 5 bottles he usually drank though. He attempted to open Morty's door, he missed the doorknob 4 times, but eventually manged to open it, kicking the door behind him to close it. Morty fluttered his eyes open. Wait..what was Rick doing here? He had a test tomorrow! Morty internally groaned "R-Rick what is-" Rick cut him off with a hug. Morty hated the way he near instinctively relaxed by the hug. "Rick what is-" "I'm sorry little budddddyyyy." Morty blinked. 

What? 

Rick wasn't one to apologize...

"Because he doesn't have to apologize. You deserve it. You're just an oversensitive piece of shit." Morty's inner voice commented, laced with venom.

Morty gulped down the lump in his throat. 

Rick slurred "I...I put you through too much budddddyyyy. S-sorry for being mean on the latest adventureeeee." Rick smiled wide, showing his yellow teeth "Y-you did good buddy...y-you...you did great m-my little buddddyyy"

"He doesn't put you through too much." Morty's inner voice argued. "You're just too weak." Morty hated the way his cheeks flushed due to being flattered as soon as those words left Rick's mouth, hated the way hs body went limp, completely surrendering to Rick's touch, he knew Rick didn't mean it but...the physical affection and validation was nice...even if he only got it while Rick was drunk

"God, you're soaking this up like a puppy..." Morty felt his cheeks getting hot, this time with shame 

"Pull away." His inner voice urged "If you do this he's just going to using you for adventures."

But Morty didn't.

He doesn't know why he didn't.

But he didn't.

He just...couldn't... 

"Fucking weak ass bitch..." His inner voice muttered as if Morty couldn't hear him.

Morty hated the way tears stung his eyes.

He really was weak...

Rick asked "What's wronngggg you became like a limp noodle buddyyyy." "Nothing."

Rick laughed "You're weirddddd." Morty sniffled, hating how loud it was, Rick asked "You sure you're okay m-muh m-my guyyy" "I'm fine" Morty lied, replying a little too quickly.

He always lied.

He was never fine.

But Rick didn't care.

He never did.

I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old

Rick laid surrounded by beer cans and pills, completely passed out. 

Morty was left cleaning up the beer cans and pill containers. He sighed.

"Nice job, downgraded from Rick's sidekick to his maid." Morty's inner voice sarcastically congratulated. Morty clutched onto the bag.

Hard.

The bag crinkled under his grip and Morty took a deep breath as he continued cleaning with a vice-like grip on the bag.

He looked over to Rick, and sighed. "How are you still alive?" Morty mumbles. His eyes shoot open when he realizes what he said, he feels something horrible twist in his gut, that's a terrible thing to say! Why did he even say that!? Morty felt it again, for the 3rd time this week, it was Wednesday, he felt it. The awful, aggressive, angry, feeling chewing inside of him, wanting to get out.

He ignored it.

He always did.

You're dripping like a saturated sunrise

Rick and Morty were running from a monster. Morty was panting, sweat covering his shirt. Rick grabbed Morty's wrist roughly as he pulled him near him "GO FASTER FUCKNUT!" Morty was hyperventilating, running as fast as his legs can take him.

"You're so fucking weak." Morty's inner voice insulted. Morty was too busy trying to get his heart to stop beating so fast, to put an end to the adrenaline coursing through his veins. 

You're spilling like an overflowing sink

As Morty was running, he felt tears stinging his eyes, he hated how he was starting to cry when stressed, Rick's bruising grip on his wrist wasn't helping either, Morty could already see the purple-blueish marks that were starting to blossom like flowers on his wrists. 

Morty squeaked "R-Rick...your grip...you're hurting me..."

Morty cringed at how pathetic he sounded. His inner voice made it clear that he sounded pathetic 

"Jesus, crying like a little baby back bitch." Morty sniffed and Rick rolled his eyes "There are more important thing to worry about Morty!" Rick barked. Morty looked up at him with watery eyes and let out a pitiful "Please...?' Rick groaned "Jesus fucking Christ." Instead of loosening his grip like a normal person, Rick pulled Morty closer, and hoisted him over his shoulder, one of his hands on Morty's back as he used his other to shoot the beast that was hunting them. Morty blinked "Rick what-" Rick barked "Shut up." 

Morty's inner voice mocked "Forcing Rick to carry you like you're a fucking baby...God you're pathetic." Morty didn't force him to do this! But he hated himself as he felt a comfort at his touch, his body instinctively yielding to Rick's touch. Jeez, he really was Rick's lapdog wasn't he?

You're ripped at every edge, but you're a masterpiece, and now you're tearing through the pages and the ink (mmm, mmm)

After that adventure Morty was dry heaving and Rick looked away, patting Morty's back. Morty felt tears sting his eyes.

"Look at you, Christ you are such a big baby."

That did it.

All the emotion he was holding in all day came out as Morty began crying and dove into Rick's chest, sobbing in his chest while clutching his lab coat with an iron-fisted grip. Rick put his arms up, unsure what to do with them, he looked around awkwardly then placed them around Morty. "Hey buddy...wh-wha-*burp*-t ha-what's wrong buddy?" Morty sniffled.

"Look at you, clinging to him, he hates you. I know he does." 

That just made Morty cry harder. 

"I-I'm sorry Rick...I-I'm so needy...so clingy...you must hate me..."

"Morty..."

"I-I made you carry me! Y-you had to carry me on our adventure! L-Like I was some kind of...like some kind of child!" 

Rick began rubbing Morty's back in comforting circle as Morty locked his arms around Rick's neck as tears flooded from his eyes. 

Rick sighed "Morty...c'mon...you know I don't..." 

Rick's jaw clenched.

He couldn't let himself finish that sentence. 

"You know what happens when you love people." Rick inner voice bitterly reminded him of. "Remember what happened with Diane?" Rick bit his lip until he the metallic tasting blood coated his tongue. 

"You know I..." The words died on Rick's blood soaked tongue.

He sighed and just hugged Morty as Morty bawled his eyes out on Rick's chest.

Everything is blue

Rick sat down in his office, staring up into the ceiling. 

"You're such an asshole." 

Rick needed something to numb the pain.

His pills, 

Rick took out a canister of opioid pills, and swallowed them, his eyes immediately dialed, leaving a small sliver of blue left, he giggled as he felt the euphoria take over, making everything else seem but also his stomach churned, as he suddenly felt the need to throw up, he clutched his stomach, laughing breathy. As he tried his best to ignore the tears filling his eyes.

His hands, his jeans

Morty looked at his hands, breathing heavily as the teal blood of Mr. Jellybean was coating his hands, the sickening warmness on his hands, his breathing heavied as he clutched the stall door, quiet sobs rattled from his chest, hugging his knees. Not caring that the teal blood stained his jeans. He hated being in the same stall as that sick fuck, He buried his face in his jeans, slobber and tears darkening his jeans in dark spots.

And now I'm covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams, and it's blue, and it's blue

Morty was on yet another adventure with Rick, he had no say in it, did he? He always was going to get dragged on these adventures, whether he liked it or not. 

It doesn't matter if he didn't feel like it.

It doesn't matter if he's so sick he can barely move.

It doesn't matter if he got no sleep last night.

It doesn't matter if it was dangerous.

It doesn't matter if Morty could die during the adventure.

He always needed to go with Rick.

Always.

"Because you're nothing but a pathetic lapdog to Rick." Morty's inner voice commented.

Morty's shoulder slumped.

It was right.

It was always right...

Everything is grey

Rick laid down on his bed, trying to find a reason to get out, which always got more and more difficult. His entire world felt grey. Numb. Bleak. Tired. Damp. Nothing matters, he knew that. So why bother doing anything? Why not just go to sleep forever? Why even live? Lord knows Rick hates himself anyway...he hated his life, he hated everything.

Rick thought of Morty, that's right...that's why he was still alive...he hated that kid...

"Oh shut up, you love him, you shouldn't feel anything you know what happens when you love people, they die or leave you, and y'know what? I don't blame them. You deserve it." Rick's inner voice snubbed

No he doesn't.

"Keep telling yourself that..." Rick's inner voice said.

Well...Rick wanted to hate him.

But it's not his fault!

It's Morty's!

It's not like it's Rick's fault that Morty's smile radiated pure innocence, so much so that it reminded Rick that there was still some good in this broken universe, it wasn't Rick's fault that the way Morty looked at Rick with so much trust in his eyes, the trust the he didn't deserve, the look that made Rick almost feel like he wasn't a huge piece of shit and hate himself at the same time, it wasn't Rick's fault that Morty was able to ground Rick into the world the way nobody else was able to..the way he was his little buddy, his partner, his best friend, his...

...

His reason to live...

...

Rick hated almost everything.

His hair.

Rick ran a hand through his grayish light blue hair. His hands nearly instinctively reached for his cigarette.

"Of course you fucking reach for the cigarettes, you fucking addict." His inner voice criticized. 

Rick reached for a cigarette. Smoking the whole thing in one breath.

His smoke

Rick exhaled, the grey smoke filling up the garage. Rick coughed, but only a little. He got used to it. Used to the metal in his lungs, he could always get new ones, so why did it matter?

The back of his throat was itchy, God it was annoying, but he could always reverse it.

His mouth became dry, but he could always make a device to wet his lips again, or just fucking lick them, he could also just drink alcohol, like how he always did. He has burned through so many livers.

Why did anything matter?

If you're a man who can do anything you want, why even try anymore?

Any negative effects of anything can easily be removed, so what's the point?

Why take care of yourself?

That was Rick's thought process, at least. 

I mean, he certainly didn't like himself enough to take care of him, so why put in the effort when he can be doing more important things?

His dreams

Y'know Rick's old dream was to kill Rick Prime.

He has fantasized about it so, so many times.

It was going to be an epic battle.

Or at least that's what Rick always thought.

But here he was.

Punching Rick Prime while he was strapped to a chair.

He saw the life drain from his eyes, heard him gurgling on his own blood, saw him become motionless, expecting to feel some happiness, or hell, I don't know...satisfaction?

He just killed the guy who killed his wife.

But he felt nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And now he's so devoid of color, he don't know what it means and he's blue and he's blue...

Whenever the effects of the drugs Rick took worse off, he would take more. Or he would just drink alcohol.

When the effects of his alcohol wear off. He took more.

He always just wanted more, more, more.

He was never satisfied. He always just felt empty.

There was a hole in him.

It just took more, more, more.

It was never satisfied. 

Never.

It numbed him at least.

Made the voices quieter.

Made the voices got further and further away...until Rick almost couldn't hear them

...

Almost.

Numbed him to everything.

Made him forget how much he hated himself.

It didn't matter how much it destroyed him.

How ashamed he felt about himself after.

How much he regretted what he did when he was drunk.

It didn't matter how much it isolated himself from his family.

He didn't care.

He liked being alone.

So why did he always want to cry when he was alone...?

Whatever.

It helped for the moment.

Made him feel relaxed, euphoric.

He felt pure ecstasy for the moment.

It was only for a moment.

He always felt like shit afterwards...

But...the pure, raw, unfiltered, ecstasy...

That made it worth it in the end...

...

Right...?

...

I-it made it worth it

...

Please tell him it made it worth

[stanfordprepped]

Why I Haven't Been On Sam.

I think it's time to address the elephant in the room: why being on Sam has been so difficult. And not just a few minute details. But an actual explanation since so many of you have been so kind and have followed me for so long. I am hoping to get back on him at some point. When I feel ready. I will be placing the reasons below the cut as triggering topics are inbound. Just in case anyone who knew what the reason was and or/have been involved in that whole horrible mess...Don't worry. I won't be mentioning anything to do with you. I won't be naming names. I won't be saying a word about all that. I want to protect your peace and privacy. I always will. That said, reasons below the cut :

Through my Sam Winchester blog, I met another roleplayer. I will not be mentioning their name either because what good will that do when 1) they are gone, and 2) I am never going to stoop to their levels. This roleplayer started out very sweet and kind. Our characters had a wonderful connection. They started reaching out to other roleplayers I was close to, as well as me. We all liked them and trusted them dearly. Eventually, a relationship was formed between myself and this roleplayer. They became a part of my friend group. We all even thought of each other as family. But slowly, things started to change. That person became more vindictive, hateful, and rude when things did not go their way. They would even try to rope me in via guilting if I did not help or trying to make me feel like they were being mistreated so I'd say something. I didn't realize what they were doing at first. That they were manipulating me into doing what they wanted. Time went on and it started becoming far more frequent. They started lashing out at everyone and if I wasn't on their side then it turned on me. Eventually, we all parted ways. Thank god. Because those people were smart for getting out. And I'm so very glad that they did and that they are all safe. The deeper things got, the more info this person had on me. Hell, we'd even met and spent four days together at one point. They met my child. They'd been to my house. Even when I started seeing the horrible way they were acting, I was too scared to leave. I could only use their aesthetics they made for me. I had to respond to them first on everything. I had to answer discord rps daily or they got angry. There were so many horrible fights. So many horrible things said to me. I had never felt so low. I couldn't do anything right. i was always upsetting them. I spent a lot of days crying. or pushing myself to write on Sam. Eventually, I snapped and got the hell out of there. Ever since, it's been hard to write here. It's hard to look at Sam the same way. And since that person wrote Dean for a short spell, it's kinda hard to look at Dean too. I just have an awful taste in my mouth. I'm still healing...I'm sorry everyone. for taking so long. I am still so messed up. I feel the need to apologize for anything and everything. I am constantly defensive. I am still anxious.]]

[greensaplinggrace]

🔥 about Baghra and darkling's relationship

alright! this one's going to be kind of heavy though. I know I've talked about my feelings on the darkling and baghra's relationship being canonically emotionally abusive and most likely also physically abusive, but I've never really talked about my feelings on the fact that their relationship is a textbook version of emotional incest, and that baghra abused him in this way too.

now: "emotional incest often takes place when a parent lacks or has lost their own emotional support system, including their partner or spouse. they might feel isolated or not know how to find constructive outlets for difficult emotions in these cases." (x)

the relationship on it's own displays signs of this: in baghra's jealousy and possessiveness when it comes to aleksander's connections with others (often romantic), the ways she teaches him to survive often overlapping with a desire to isolate him from others so she is his only support system, her expectation of his responsibility as an adult in an adult relationship even when he's a child (and then later the expectation of his acting in a relationship with her when they're both adults), and her active blurring of his boundaries, as well as numerous other things.

when you know baghra's history, it becomes even more obvious, however. because the reason she had him in the first place was to fill the void of a life partner and a spouse - this is extremely evident in her abandoning of all previous children until she not only had one that could live as long as her, but also one that could understand her emotions and needs as a shadow summoner, and one that she would have an easier time of grooming into her likeness and her partner.

it also becomes obvious from a character standpoint when you consider that her efforts to have this child who could serve as her partner were driven by many of the classic emotions that lead to emotional incest, such as her loneliness, her grief and loss (or desire not to grieve and always lose others), the lack of intimacy and emotional availability in her life, as well as attachment trauma and a fear of abandonment, and the fact that she's self obsessed.

so anyways, that's my unpopular opinion on baghra. I think it's kind of commonly accepted in fandom that she 'wasn't the greatest mom', but that kind of sidesteps the fact that she was not only actively abusive, but acted incestuously towards her son.

send me a 🔥 for an unpopular opinion (x)

[johanthedigitalartist]

My personal Realistic Simon “Ghost” Riley headcanons (remake)

To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve posted my own content on Tumblr. I think I might’ve mischaracterized Simon a little bit at least in my opinion, so here is a remake of my realistic, Simon “ghost” Riley head cannons. (Not proof read and was written at the peak of dawn with 0 sleep, mistakes or ramblimg will be adjusted and fixed later)

Trigger warnings: mentions of disordered eating, mental illness, brief mention of childhood abuse, small mention of gore.

Simon ghost, Riley is an internal person who struggles with bottling up his emotions, he doesn’t often allow himself to be vulnerable around other people but he has exceptions. them being Gary “Roach” Sanderson and Johnny “Soap” MacTavish. The two people he is closest to and loves dearly.

Simon often has panic attacks and flashbacks of his childhood trauma. whenever he’s doing something casual or he’s out in the field something, anything can remind him of his experiences both in and out of the military.

Simon doesn’t often look at himself in mirrors. he doesn’t think he’s ugly, as he is very confident in his appearance, but occasionally he will find himself feeling insecure about the scars that he has gotten from his past and time in the military.

Simon has insomnia, so he sometimes tends to struggle with falling asleep, or even staying asleep. He has many methods of getting himself to sleep when it’s needed. Often using tactics he’s learned in his time of service.

Simon is extremely trusting of his teammates going as far as removing his skull balaclava around them often. He likes wearing it as the balaclava provides a sense of safety and security. He has facial scars, but Simon wears it to remain anonymous.

He likes appearing tough and strong, but in reality, he is gentle and compassionate outside of his job. He often tends to display this towards his teammates and loved ones. Those who know him would describe Simon as a “giant teddy bear”. Simon is in no way afraid to cry but prefers to cry by himself, rather than others witnessing it.

He often considers ghosts his persona, a split personality of sorts that he displays on the job seeming quick-witted and calculating. Simon likes to crack, dark jokes with his teammates for fun and has a dad’s sense of humor.

Simon is very vocal and honest about his boundaries and will not hesitate to tell someone off if they’re crossed or ignored.

Simon has a long history of mental illness. Some were hereditary and others gained from his rough childhood. Including PTSD, Depressive episodes, anxiety, paranoia ETC.

He fears losing people he cares about which stems from the abuse he endured as a child. It sometimes makes him come off as harsh and overprotective to his teammates. Simon is clean yet at the same time tends to forget to care for or prioritize himself and his needs. He even engaged in behaviors of self-harm whether it was cutting, scratching, self-sabotage, or even something as simple as overly hot showers. He often finds himself looking after others in some way. On the bright side uses his love for the job and team as a motivation when things get tough again. He is in no way healed but he’s wise enough to know better than to let mental illness dictate his life.

Simon has a bad habit of chewing his nails and picking at scars. He’s very internal with his anxiety and even when he has panic attacks, he tries his best to avoid his team noticing for fear of worrying them. He often wishes that he had a normal, happy childhood, and never experienced the pain of being hung by the Ribs. The wound never fully healed because he kept tearing and reopening it the memories haunting him to the core.

Simon both hates and loves physical touch, he is touch-starved even. Allowing physical touch only to those he’s close to. He gets overstimulated at times, when that happens, he enjoys words of affirmation or small shoulder pads. (Price pats him like a father whose afraid Simon will maul his hand off) he honestly enjoys the contrast of his team and their love languages.

[loaflovesdoodling]

it is midnight I have spent way too long on this holy shit I'm gonna die

HUGE TW FOR GORE UNDER CUT

[mcytshippystuff]

Can I ask how you view Brunim and Forever's relationship since you mentioned it in your last post? You said you viewed it as toxic on both ends and that it messed Forever up, can you go into more detail?

(as always, /rp, not irl) Also go here for more hcs on q!Forever's relationships this ask is referencing!

Okay so!! Like I said before in that posts tags, I dont know a WHOLE lot about the canon relationship between q!Forever and... c!Brunim? q!Brunim? Whatever, I dont know the canon but from what iv seen, in rp its very much not healthy. So I ended up building my own hcs for them and idk how accurate they are canon wise but I still like em regardless so im sticking to em lol!

(Tw for talks of abuse, toxic relationships, and unhealthy relationships!)

So first thing to note; These guys were really fucked up, toxic, and probs abusive in several places. They started out softer, kinder, safer, but it did not stay that way. Still, know that they loved each other regardless.

In my head, Brunim was very much the aggressor, and the one who started being toxic, abusive, and obsessive about Forever, and was worse about it. Forever ended up becoming toxic and doing toxic/shitty/obsessive things in turn as a by product. I wont say Brunim was the only one who had issues and did bad things but Forever only ended up becoming like that becuase Brunim taught him that's how he showed love in their relationship, so he showed it that way back ya know?

But thing is they stopped being happy, stopped awhile ago in fact and realized they couldn't keep doing this to each other, hurting each other, for both their sakes. Its hard to recognize you are doing something wrong, and it was even harder to let go, for real this final time, and only through help did they manage it but they did.

But the thing is, Brunim was Forever's first real relationship, and it had messed him up. Untangling yourself from that sort of thing is fucking hard, knowing where the line is or where something is toxic and unhealthy romantic wise (or even in general) is even harder when its pretty much your only real frame of reference and unlearning all that shit is hard and takes time too.

So when Forever got to the island, while he's made leaps and bounds from where he use to be, enough he can mess around and even joke with someone who reminds him of Brunim without actually having issues with it (at least at first lol), is still in the process of trying to unlearn his more unhealthy behaviors and expectations.

That's where some of his more concerning phrases or claims come from, either not knowing the line as he crosses it due to skewed misconceptions, saying it jokingly becuase he'd never actually go through with it (though probs shouldn't of said it regardless but hey that's coping with trauma for ya), or knowing the line but crossing it anyways on impulse and having to pull back becuase he doesn't mean it/regrets it. He would never on purpose dip back into those toxic behaviors but like I said, still unlearning and understanding those.

Forever would never actually go through with anything toxic, abusive, or unhealthy for the most part on purpose btw, if that wasn't clear.

There is a little bit, like mentioned in the main post, where when he does start to catch feelings it is becuase of him confusing Brunim with Phil, but Forever does beginning to actually fall for him and it takes a bit to fully separate them, and his expectations of it all. But hell he cant stop loving Phil even if he does eventually see Phil will not change his mind about Forever loving him.

But anyhoo enough about the main thing, smaller but still important stuff-

Like I said Brunim was Forever's first real relationship, and they did actually love each other under all the shit it became. Didn't mean any of what happened was okay tho.

Brunim is a vampire, and fed off regularly of Forever. He didn't have issues with it at first but quickly became painful and a bad time.

(tw for scars and a bit of gore) Forever actually has a horrific scar on his neck from the feedings, though its hard to tell if it becuase Brunim would very slightly shift around where he would bite in to feed over time so it became a mass of scar tissue, or if he ripped out a chunk of Forever's flesh for whatever reason. Forever usually keeps it covered but it burns sometimes.

Brunim's way of punishing Forever was usually to lock him up until he behaved again, specially if they were on "break" and Brunim wanted Forever back. Hence why Forever uttered "lock you up until love me." He wasn't serious about it but later feels sick he said it even jokingly.

Forever is surprisingly mentally stable despite all this and has worked hard on his mental health, thanks to therapy. Most of his issues, like I said, come from trying to unlearn all that toxic shit and unhealthy behaviors.

They really miss each other but tbh its more they miss what they had before, as well as the comfort in the not being alone despite the pain. Regardless Forever will never go back to Brunim, even if they both change for the better.

[carnivalls]

writing some of eve's relationship with her dad. did you guys know it was this bad

[mad-hunts]

so, i'm gonna give y'all a warning for this post immediately because i have yet to talk about this on here besides with one or two people, and the last thing i want to do is make anyone uncomfortable... but if you believe that cannibalism is a trigger for you then please do not continue beyond this point. for those of you who are okay with it, though, let me start by saying this:

barton does engage in cannibalistic acts sometimes, and this is actually one of the few, if not the only sources of shame that he feels in response to the heinous acts that he commits pretty much on the daily. and this is because he believes himself that it is disgusting and not something to be proud of; so, in a way, it does kind of demonstrate that he has some humanity left in him albeit in a very unsavory way and that's mainly why i wanted to bring it up. because his relationship with this part of him... well, it really isn't good, for lack of better words. which is understandable considering cannibalism is a rather big taboo in society, but it has become somewhat of a compulsion for him. not to excuse it in ANY capacity, of course. that is honestly just the best word i could use to describe it as i've done some research about it and, like other serial killers, barton is SO perpetually lonely that by consuming his victims -- it makes him feel like he is no longer so alone anymore as he will always be able to 'carry' a part of them with him that way, so-to-speak, and they'll never be able to leave him.

now this is obviously not the way to go about dealing with his loneliness at all, as it is extremely messed up both morally and honestly, just wrong as a human being to do. but i also believe that there are other factors at work regarding his tendency to sometimes cannibalize his victims, and that is that because of the trauma he endured at the hands of his biological father (wesley mathis) whom forced him to eat people with him. it could sort of function as a very unhealthy coping mechanism for him to navigate that complex trauma; and this is because it may serve as an attempt for him to restore a sense of control over himself that he felt was stolen from him as a child, since he had no choice but to engage in it. plus, interestingly enough, antisocial personality traits are often an underlying element in those who divulge in cannibalistic acts. and cannibals in one study have been found to have more cases of abuse / have more family members who are criminals, so this could also be indicative that his environmental upbringing very well could have a hand in his subsequent (occasional) cannibalism after he commits his killings.

i also thought i would mention that, despite his apparent depravity, barton has taken extra care not to expose his own children to the same trauma that he had to suffer from as a result of wesley (what with the 'hunting trips' that they went on) and he would NEVER want his kids to see him eating people. so, although it still is unquestionably wrong for him to be cannibalizing people, things are a little complicated in that regard. while i'm talking about it, for my closing thought, i'd like to say that the police does highly suspect that the dollmaker is a cannibal but they haven't been able to confirm it as of yet. though i'd imagine that most of the underground knows that he cannibalizes people because rumors can be spread quite quickly, and i can totally imagine the way in which people found out being that they were unfortunate enough to have to stumble upon barton just... eating someone. and a lot more casually than one should probably be about it, because half of the time, he doesn't even remember that he's done it afterward because his mind literally just blocks it out. but that's something i shall expand on more later

[cats-and-confusion]

My dad's mad at me because I threw a pack of sticky notes at his face really hard when he invaded my boundaries to try and tease me. Like ohhhh my gooood it's almost like there was a major event early in my life that made me really fucking uncomfortable when people touch me without permission. Don't get mad at me for retaliating when you knowingly crossed my boundaries FOR FUN. I don't care if that’s "just what you do" you've been living with me my whole life you were THERE when my uncle was arrested for molesting me, how are you not connecting these fucking dots. And then you DON'T wanna talk about it to rectify the mistake and communicate our fucking boundaries?? You didn't even fucking apologize you just got pissy and frustrated at me. I apologized. Fuck this, man

[stuffie-medical-vents]

Hi, very nervous system here.

Listen our father is 100% a narcissist. He was our main abuser. (NOT SAYING NARC ABUSE IS REAL BECAUSE IT ISNT)

We have tried SO HARD to explain to him why the shit he did is abusive and not acceptable. We tried fighting back, talking with him, writing to him so he can't cut us off and yell, sending him screenshots of mental illness symptoms of ours and how they're disabling.. like we've tried everything. We don't have NPD but we have ODD so I get hating criticism or being told something if it isn't done right but we've tried being gentle, writing professionally worded letters... and he still thinks he's in the right and we're just an ungrateful confused little shit who doesn't deserve anything nice. I mean he's a shitty person anyway but I want him to understand us.

We want to try and explain why he's in the wrong.

Coming to you because I'm hoping you might have some answers as to how I might be able to get him to sit down and listen to me when I speak! When any of us speak!

I'm sorry if I didn't word anything write and any of it sounds shitty I don't mean it to! Fully support cluster PDs! I just think it's his NPD that's causing him to ignore our voice because he's stated he feels bad for some of the things he's done, which means he understands! He just won't listen to what we have to say and why what he did is entirely wrong and not justified and how if effected us.

I hope this makes sense.

Our mother was also very neglectful and she's definitely a narcissist too but she's done way more listening and learning than he has. She's gotten much better and even apologized. I want to help our father too and maybe even mend our relationship since he's apparently upset that we never speak to him and didn't wish him a happy father's day and he can't seem to figure out why. If we can get him to finally stop cutting us off and speaking over us I think we can make him understand! I just don't know how to do that.

Hello. This isn't the usual thing I do. If you want more further things, please go to @fluffy-clusterb-paradise. But I will answer. Anyone who sees this, please see the tags before clicking.

As someone with NPD, I will answer to the best I can. First off, I appreciate you being as respectful as you can. But remember, don't throw that word around if you don't know. But if your father has been diagnosed with it, then it's fine. And it's good he shows some remorse. I'm gonna try my best to explain and give some of my points of view.

People with NPD gain that due to childhood trauma. So he most likely went through something and never properly had a father, which caused him not to know how to be a proper father. Which is understandable.

Here's where my advice comes in. I think he should go to therapy. And maybe you could convince him too. But other than that, here's what I got to say. Have you ever heard of the talking stick or feather? Maybe try that exercise. Get a random object, and the person holding that object can only talk. You start first, then give him the object so he can talk. And the cycle repeats? Will this work? Maybe and it may not. But if it doesn't. Walk away. Make it obvious that you won't listen if he won't. But don't speak, that might make it worse. Just walk away.

Disclaimer: I can't say what it will work. And I am not always in the best headspace. So, my writing may act dramatic or irrational. But please also keep in mind that I've been abused badly most of my life. So I'm used to taking high measures and cutting people off.

What can I say, though?: I recommend asking him if he learned how to be a father. Asking him what he thinks about you. How he feels about his actions. If he knows how to help. Feel free to use any of these or add on. These are only suggestions.

[lielove]

tw ; heavy mentions of abuse and slight mentions of alcoholism.

AI HOSHINO AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER ;

ai hoshino never knew her father and only ever lived with her mother - this is a fact - it is also a fact that ai's mother was a thief and went to jail because of it, that she beat up ai, and that she tried to make her eat glass in her white rice.

her relationship with her mother was likely never, ever positive in the slightest. she looked at her mother as a person that she lived with and nothing more. there was no love, there was no joy. all there ever was was pain. we know that ai's education was on the lower side, so i suspect that her mother was not taking her to school, and didn't really care if she even got an education.

one of her first memories of her mother was when she tugged her by her jacket, ushering her to beg for money on the streets of japan. she was a small child, only barely old enough to walk on her own two feet. steps were still wobbly, she was shaky. her mother gave her lines to rehearse... ❝ if you say it like this then mommy will be able to get us dinner, okay ai ?? ❞

she smiled at her daughter, but there was nothing but a look of malice in her eyes. the child gives her lines as rehearsed to a few people, but then she fumbles her lines. the passerbys catch on.

her mother takes her anger out on her when they get back to the house. a tiny, tiny two bedroom apartment. littered with trash and smelled of grime. flies swarmed over piles of trash that were long discarded.

ai cries herself to sleep in her ( mainly empty ) bedroom that night.

her mother tells her she doesn't need her to come with her on the streets anymore, tells her that if she can't say what she needs to then she's useless.

ai didn't really want to do it anyway, so she'd take being useless over being a thief and a scammer.

once she's old enough to enter school, she wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, walking herself to school by herself before the sun comes up, and then she walks back home when it ends.

her mother isn't around as much, and the child prefers it that way. when she comes home she sounds weird, loopy... but she's even madder than usual.

ai quickly learns that she needs to lock herself in her room before she hears her mother trying to unlock the front door in a drunken stupor.

her mother gets arrested when she's eight years old, she doesn't think she can forget the way the service worker spoke to her ; a cold voice ❝ your mommy's going to be going away for awhile, so you're being taken someplace else. ❞

anywhere was better than here.

once her mothers sentence is served ai learns that she's been abandoned by her mother - and she spends the next few years at the children's home until scouted out by ichigo saitou, and becomes her de-facto guardian.

it isn't until b-komachi gained popularity again that ai's mother contacted her again. it was a single letter out of a large stack that the production company gathered for her that night.

the look of horror on her eyes when she read the words.

hi sweetie, its mommy !! so you're an idol now ?? i'm so proud of you, my sweet darling daughter... what do you say we meet up for lunch some time, catch up on the years gone by ?? i never meant to leave you at that children's home, you know. oh, and do you think you can spot mommy some cash ?? some things came up.... you know i love you so much, right... ai ??

liar.

her mother was a filthy liar, and it was blatant.

ai approaches the director, letter in hand and tells him ❝ director, could you make sure whoever sent this letter isn't allowed at another one of b-komachi's shows again ?? ❞ he tells her he'll try, but he can't guarantee it.

❝ if this woman is at another one of our shows i'll terminate my contract and work with another company instead. ❞

she's serious about this.

the next night is spent looking over security footage into the wee hours of the morning, and ai points out her mother in the crowd. she tears the letter to shreds and finally feels a moment of relief. with that taken care of, she wouldn't need to worry about her mother any more for the rest of her life...

[ultramarine-spirit]

I was reading the novel and this time something caught my attention that I don't know why I had overlooked it before, and that is how Athy talks about her life in the orphanage. Athy says that the children in the orphanage knew things that the children should not know, that she had to fight for what she wanted and that when she left that place she felt a kind of freedom.

To me, that screams abuse.

It bothers me that the fandom so overlooked the fact that Athy was abused not only in her first life (neglect) but also in her second life and I'm sure it must have been hell. I wish the manhwa had put more emphasis on this because many fans overlook Athy's trauma when she is literally the character who suffered the most.

Yes, to me it's canon that Athy was heavily abused in her second life. Adding to what you said, I remember her mentioning having to literally fight for food (a bowl of rice), or how they got a single sad birthday celebration per month. That's also where her initial fixiations with candy, money and her genuine love for studying come from, as Athy herself admits, she never had those kinds of luxuries (she mentions having to eat expired food in a "haha funny" way, but if you think about it for two seconds, it's just tragic. Like, she died from overdosing on sleeping pills to deal with the cold). I know a thing or two about how orphanages operate from my field of work and acquaintances, and kids in those institutions suffer from abuse in all sorts of ways while being completely ignored by society. I'm not from Korea, but going by what Plutus wrote and reading about the subject, the situation seems to be similar or even worse.

If I want to get overanalytical, part of her depression while living alone could be a consequence of the treatment she received at the orphanage. It's super common for kids in those situations to end up with depression, PTSD, having issues forming emotional connections, facing prejudice, etc. It's also canon that she was verbally and physically abused at her workplace. Athy treats her death as an accident, but in my opinion it's implied that it was a suicide, perhaps not in an "active way", but her behavior was edging the line. Which is again, common for people with that background. I think this plot point is interesting, as to my knowledge suicide is a taboo subject in East Asia. Most manhwas don't have their FL reincarnate after that.

I get what you mean, that part of Athy's trauma is often overlooked, but it probably has to do with most people not reading the novel and with Athy herself not really acknowledging it. She mentions her life as Lee Jihye at the beginning of the story, and then very rarely brings it up. But if anything, that's pretty consistent with how Athy deals with her trauma and negative emotions, refusing to acknowledge they exist until their weight is too heavy for her to endure. I like this piece of characterization a lot, but it leaves us with many questions that are hard to answer when Athy herself doesn't remember or actively tries to forget the trauma from her past lives. You could draw some parallels with Lucas and Claude's respective ways of dealing with trauma, loss and trying to forget (but Athy's mindset is more healthy and not so self-destructive lol).

Also yes, to me Athy is the character that has suffered the most by far. Not like this is a competition, but *gestures at LP* and the fact that she was a working class woman in Korea while the other characters (sans Lucas and Diana, I guess) are and always have been rich aristocrats in pseudo-France says enough /hj.