#tw self reflection

[morrigan-sims]

And I forget sometimes I'm just flesh and bone.

As he stands in the ruined bathroom, all Rook can think is, At least now I can breathe.

[lostmf]

[batwynn]

Me, on my ADHD med: this can’t be working. I still have memory problems and ‘bad habits’.

Me off the meds because of storm and PA delays: oh. lol. Nvm.

[uncanny-tranny]

I hold so much love to the people for whom trauma has seeped away their perspective of time - warping and distorting it to where one can't feel time passing. Everything is moving simultaneously too slow and too fast - everything is a blur, and the only constant is the Trauma/s or trauma/s. You aren't just "you" anymore, but you are you and your trauma, and together, for better or worse, you walk as one.

I hope you are well, dear reader. May you find peace between yourself and the things that have happened. May you be permitted to feel everything you feel, for nothing is wrong with how you feel. I hope you grant yourself the space to be, that you may be able to do that because it's hard.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

when you'd like to have someone do something for you but you end up having to do it by yourself anyway.... yeah I know, it's hard but one day you'll find the help you need and deserve. be hopeful.

[gritsandbrits]

19 yo boy gets his life literally destroyed because he wanted to please his greedy ass dad for father's day that's so sad.

[poeticrambler]

Crystalline prison

We can see through each wall

Though we can not reach out

We watch others fall

Isolation together

In union, alone

The shrill cries for help

Chill us to the bone

We pound on our prison

A captive of fate

Dreading the worst

Help one minute too late

Calling out in the darkness

I see you, alone

But im trapped behind the glass of the screen of my phone.

[sp1rit-realm]

healing <3 (please do not repost without credit!)

i, for the first time in a very long time, am feeling true happiness. over the course of the last ten years, i felt my joy slowly leave me. i was only a kid when i felt myself start to deteriorate, and thats such a scary feeling. i reached my lowest about four years ago, and for the past three, ive been working to get better. i was in therapy for five days a week at one point, ive tried thousands of different medications, ive gone through hundreds of journals, and ive cried to my therapist about one million times. i have hit rock bottom too many times to count, but im standing here today. i still have bad weeks--bad months, but i smile now. i smile genuinely, and i do so for so long that my cheeks begin to hurt. its gotten better, and it will for you, too <3

[fuckmeyer]

oooh bestie i just read your jasper gift-as-curse analysis (agree 100%!!! it fucks severely!!!!) and in your tags you mention thinking of all of the cullen "gifts" as curses and...i am going actively insane thinking about rosalie in that frame. like? her beauty carries over! and it's a curse in that people see that first and her second and assume that she's shallow...but also that was true in her human life as well and becoming a vampire seems like it maybe allowed her to transcend that and realize what was fucked up about her human experience??? WILD

Rosalie's gift is also a curse, but unlike Jasper's, i find it heartbreaking

it's a curse in that people see that first and her second and assume that she's shallow

VERY true. but the consequences of extreme beauty go beyond people chalking her up as shallow.

part of Rosalie's curse is that there are many aspects of her life where her looks play a role. & going through life requires either a degree of illusion or a degree of doubt.

for example: how many times as she been given— or been overlooked for— opportunities or merit because of her attractiveness? how many relationships has she tried to make, only to find the foundation of said connection was built on— or marred by— her looks? if Edward bothered to see past what he perceives as Rosalie's vanity, would they be closer as siblings? or, put another way:

In the first second that Emmett saw Rosalie, he saw a goddess whom he had worshiped without cease ever since. (Midnight Sun, Ch 6)

i'm not saying Emmett's love isn't real. but it's also clear he's immediately attracted to Rose physically; even decades later, their love is described as "intensely physical" (Ch 7). worshiping implies a degree of separation; there's a pedestal, a blindness, in the kind of love Emmett shows her. if she was average-looking, would he love her as she is, as an equal, without worship? would he even give her a second glance?

part of the curse is never knowing what's real. either she lives with a degree of doubt, or she lives with a degree of illusion.

another part of Rosalie's curse is that she also falls into the trap of seeing her face first and herself second. now, do i think Rosalie is vapid & a "stagnant pool of few surprises" (Ch 1)? no. she has a personality, she has hobbies outside of tending to or enhancing her beauty. but we do see her mesmerized with herself:

She’d caught sight of her profile in the reflection off someone’s glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection. No one else’s hair was closer to true gold, no one else’s shape was quite so perfectly an hourglass, no one else’s face was such a flawless, symmetrical oval.

& we also see her play up her beauty in the vehicle she drives & the clothes she wears. she cannot look away from herself.

however, this is where i think we see yet another facet of Rosalie's curse. that is, being the most gorgeous vampire of the Cullens, there is a degree of intense scrutiny that comes with Rosalie's beauty. for all the illusion/doubt it brings her, she must be constantly aware of it. because this scrutiny is two-fold:

1) unlike someone like Alice who can pass as androgynous & is overlooked physically, Rose does not have the luxury of breaking traditional gender expectations lest she draw even more attention to the coven. in a sense, Rosalie is under more pressure to flawlessly perform the rituals of gender conformity because anything outside of the norm will be noticed more easily.

2) beyond that, the degree of attention she receives means she must constantly perform in a human sense, too: twitching, blinking, moving, behaving, etc. in this way, her looks become a hindrance to her vegetarian lifestyle.

so, she is cursed in that she's the face of the Cullen family & under pressure by the coven & society to perform. even if she wanted to escape her beauty, she cannot.

becoming a vampire seems like it maybe allowed her to transcend [her beauty] and realize what was fucked up about her human experience

but it kinda...didn't?

don't get me wrong, it did in some sense. as mentioned, Rose has picked up hobbies, dreams, & a personality. we do see her transcend her appearance; however, her beauty still traps her for the reasons above.

& to be honest with you bestie, it wasn't vampirism that allowed her to transcend her beauty. because if she had been turned, say, the day she got engaged, what kind of vampire would we see? her final days, her looks gave her everything she wanted, & now she ends up as the most ravishing creature on earth in the socioeconomic class she wanted. Rosalie wins. i'm not saying she would have wanted vampirism if she had been turned in better circumstances. but she would certainly be more divorced from reality, & i doubt she would find it as necessary to transcend her beauty since it got her what she wanted & confirmed her worldview.

it wasn't the vampirism that allowed her to transcend her beauty. it was the rape.

the rape tears the curtain back. the rape shows her all that glitters isn't gold. the rape teaches her that in the end, her beauty couldn't, & would never, save her. the rape tells her what a woman's place is in her world. the rape forces her to realize: for all Rosalie's beauty, she is awarded nothing, she is entitled to nothing, she can do everything right & still lose. the rape is what necessitated a change in Rosalie's beliefs.

i find Rosalie's curse heartbreaking because i do not doubt she has thought about this when she looks in the mirror.

she's more attractive now than ever, but that is what put her in that position in the first place. she's come to this horrific realization at an even more horrific cost. & everyone around her compliments how beautiful she is; everyone dreams about how wonderful their lives would be if only they could be so beautiful; everyone wishes they could be as beautiful as Rosalie Hale...

meanwhile, Rosalie sits with the uncomfortable idea that the thing that gave her everything she wanted is the same thing that led her to her rape, to her death— hell, Carlisle figured she'd make a good wife for Edward, so even her turning was a result of her beauty— & is now the very thing that traps her in a life she never wanted, performing eternally in a spotlight that will never dim.

[dumbbitchforuse]

self reflection / tw food control

“Yeah I don’t know I don’t think being on tumblr as a teen and seeing all those pro-Ana blogs effected me that much. I’d already gone through therapy for my food issues, so I mostly avoided them”

“….”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“But also food control is really hot, and I get super turned on by the thought of someone withholding food until I’m super weak and thin and they mold my body into whatever shape they like”

[afterburning]

my heart is turned to stone;

there hadn’t been a place at home for stories, so jiyu hadn’t grown up on them, or at least not the ones that didn’t focus on military achievement. of course, there had been history: tales of failed campaigns and ancestors that had won decisive battles. his grandfather painted as a hero, family legends and disappointments that jiyu’s mother would tell him about as she tucked him in.

all of his bedtime fantasies had centered around war. it had taken jiyu joining the navy, bright-eyed and excitable, for anyone to tell him about myths predating his family’s name. when he thinks back on it he recalls many nights spent sitting on shipdecks, talking to pass the time and beat back the monotony of life at sea. he’d been told of monsters in the depths beneath them and birds the size of mountains, men dying of long-forgotten curses and of blades lost in battles fought long ago. jiyu had never taken any of it at face value, but he was a sailor like any other after a few months, adding his own twists to the classics of seafaring entertainment. he hadn’t imagined that he’d have experiences straight out of the horror stories they made up in the middle at the night with the sort of breathless laughter that accompanies good fun and a suppressed shudder when looking back into the black of a moonless night.

but here he is now. gone a month, the nurses had told him, unconscious for another three days; he has trouble wrapping his mind around those facts, but his body remembers. there’s a weight to his limbs he’s never felt before, even a week in recovery. exhaustion, set in deep, like he hasn’t had restful sleep in a long time. nevermind that he’s spent most of recent memory with his eyes closed and his mind skipping out on him.

and then, of course, his skin-turned-stone. the world is muffled on his right side, his ear cool to the touch. after waking up, after seeing it in the mirror for the first time, jiyu thought about cutting all of it off: losing his hearing and the skin of his thigh would be nothing in comparison to losing his mind. it might not spread, the nurse had said, and all jiyu had heard was it might. and now he’s stuck, waiting for others to find information lost to time, taking scalding baths and coating stiff flesh with vinegar. there’s no way to make peace with it and nothing to do about it. jiyu, before his illness has turned him into carved rock, has lost the ability to move forward.

zhaos die young. he wishes death would come to him more honourably.

         ... i strike it, and it hurts my hand.

updates (ic)!

tldr; jiyu's sick, thinks he's dying, and is losing his hearing on his right side. until he's cured in the seventh month of the year, this will affect his mood and the way he interacts with people. more info below:

jiyu and yerim were stuck in the spirit world for a full month (thread detailing their adventure incoming). they reappeared in the spirit wilds of dragonstone afterwards and jiyu returned to hari bulkan the moment he could (as acting head of house with jian still MIA).

he's afflicted with greyscale, a disease thought a myth that hasn't been heard of in thousands of years. greyscale leaves skin dead, stiff, and discoloured, with a stone-like appearance. greyscale is said to spread and leave men succumbing to madness before they turn to stone (and die). while jiyu's greyscale does worsen it doesn't spread, but he doesn't know this. jiyu, and anyone knowledgeable enough of the disease or close enough for him (or yerim) to have been told about this are operating under the assumption that he's dying.

jiyu's got greyscale in the following spots: - his left mid-thigh. the symptoms aren't bad; he's prone to shifting his weight to the other side, but not super bothered by this. - a tiny patch at the second joint of his left little finger, bad enough that he can't bend it. - his right ear. when jiyu returns from the spirit world his hearing on that side is muffled, but it gets continously worse over the next month until he can't hear anything at all. since it's a highly visible spot, everyone meeting him in person would be able to tell that something's up. in social situations he'll have a harder time engaging in group conversations, and his sense of balance will be off.

jiyu would not be forthcoming about this affliction being a death sentence. if your muse isn't close to him it might be possible that they would've heard about it through different channels, though.

he's going to be sticking around hari bulkan for the next few months while attempts are being made to find a cure. likely some desk work or training of recruits, no active duty. he's going to be losing his mind a little over this (man's going stir crazy).

but the good news is: he will be cured! currently plotted is that they find it in the seventh month, and suho's gonna come through on the dragon blood he needs to bounce back. he'll retain a few scars after and have issues with tinnitus (psychosomatic), but obviously that's no issue when the alternative is dying.

updates pt. 2 (ooc)!!

i'm trying to phase out of blood moon event threads right now and am slowly wrapping up those plots. nothing will be dropped, but i want to move things along a little.

if you've got questions about jiyu's (admittedly shitty) situation right now or where he stands, or if you'd like to adjust plots / start a (new) thread, my dms are always open!! thank you for reading ♡

[lostmf]

At 25 I learned that being strong isn’t being collected and invencible through every problem

It was having the courage to open my eyes every morning despite falling apart every night

It’s a battle that never ends

I hope I don’t lose it ..

[stillthesunkenstars]

the latest chapter of and they became monsters the fall of great men had me going ough

[feehippielove]

Even if I didn't exercise today: I need to eat.

Even if I'm exhausted: I need to eat.

Even if I am sad: I need to eat.

Even if I don't want to: I need to eat.

Food is not a reward or luxury: food is a necessity.

I will go eat.

[sweet-beezus]

You hear a creature creeping up behind

You're out of time

[transingthoseformers]

Shattered glass Optimus finds out about Rodimus and Soundwave's growing relationship and becomes jealous.

During a battle when Soundwave and Rodimus are hiding together. Shattered glass Optimus causes a distraction. Manages to get to them because Megatron is gone and shattered glass Optimus blames Soundwave for taking him. Because he thinks Soundwave is responsible for Megatrons disappearance. Then he blames Soundwave for taking Rodimus as well.

He hurts Soundwave in front of Rodimus who is helpless and having flashbacks and basically screaming himself horse as he's held hostage. Watching Shattered glass Optimus beat Soundwave in front of him. Begging Shattered glass Optimus to leave him alone and take him instead.

Shattered glass Optimus plans on killing Soundwave, but gets stopped. Rodimus blames himself for Soundwave getting hurt and all the progress he's made is gone. He practically goes catatonic and it takes Soundwave and Megatron coming back to help him heal. They have to constantly reassure him that he's safe and Rodimus will have panic attacks whenever he sees Optimus. It's so bad he starts ripping his own armor out until someone stops him. Only Megatron, Soundwave and his cassettes can touch him. If anyone else does he starts sobbing uncontrollably and curls up into a little ball on the floor.

Shattered glass Rung is very mad because all the progress they were making was gone. Rung just feels helpless because Rodimus is in such a bad state.

Optimus feels guilty and powerless. Drift also feels helpless because he can't help his friend. He couldn't help him when he'd been hurt before and he can't help him now. Drift questions his ability to be a good Amica and blames himself for not helping Hot Rod. He blames himself for not seeing through Shattered glass Optimus distraction. He also comes to respect Soundwave.

Megatron and Soundwave are very protective of Rodimus.

Damnnnnnn

Makes sense SG Oppy would be a jealous bastard

oh baseline sounders. you are in so much danger, you can practically hear SG Optimus's attention train on him like one of those big fucking guns

damnn

Baseline Roddie is. Really damn not doing well.

I wonder how they got out of this situation?? Because I feel like the SG decepticon high command (Sounders, Screamer, and Megs) helped because we need just a little tiny bit of "fUCK YESSS, RESCUE IS HERE"

oh when BL Megs came back to find BL sounders and BL roddie in this state he was Very Crazy Not Happy.

damnnnn. oh rodimus.

Blankets and cassettes for Rodimus, all the blankets and all the cassettes.

The Rungs are just in such a state over this, because this? This is also very very much gonna affect baseline Soundwave. Rodimus is by far not the only one scathed by the bastard prime.

...

I'm imagining baseline Soundwave now has a major crack in his visor that he refuses to let anyone repair, on the right side. Just for that little bit of extra angst.

dear fuck is baseline Optimus just dunked in guilt after all of this, all of it.

oh drift.

Very very protective.