#using them in most situations even if everyone else is

[rivalswrites]

Shiver me Timbers

Before you read, please be warned that I'm writing based on my impressions of them not only in the game (though it's the biggest inspiration), but some of them with the movies/shows in mind too.

Starting off the Ultron train strong with my own fic, I will be going through requests and picking what to write later :)

Summary: Ultron discovers for himself that human reactions are a lot cuter when you actually like the little flesh bag.

Content Warning: Ultron get a little touchy, but it's nothing sexual, he just a little curious (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.)

Masterlist

The group slowly disperses after getting into the Baxter Building, everyone eager to get into their temporary rooms and rest: probably shower as well for most, battle most definitely builds up a sweat. You stayed behind, too tired to make the entire trip up, rather deciding to dramatically flop down onto the big couch in the communal room. Your arm coming up to rest over your eyes to block out the lights, the room quiet other than a fan blowing and your gasps of air that were slowly going back to normal.

“Pathetic” the robotic voice came from close by and so suddenly that you jumped slightly and quickly moved your arm to see who had spoken. Ultron stood on top of the coffee table, probably to show some sort of dominance in the situation, and looked down at you with his arm crossed.

“Oh, it's you.” You muttered, moving your arm back over your face. Your breathing and heartbeat had to restart the process of slowing down, a quick pump of adrenaline flowing through your veins from his scare.

Ultron continued to look down on you, observing before continuing his speech. “You humans, being so drained of energy after such a small fight.” His belittling words didn't affect you much, used to his comments by now. “That is why you'll never be able to achieve pure evolution, like I have.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever big guy,” you waved him off with your free hand, letting it rest on your stomach and even raising your shirt a little to try and get more cool air onto your body to help cool yourself down. “Small fight my ass” you whispered to yourself, taking a deeper breath after.

It was all quiet again, as you had assumed he'd lost interest and went off to do something else, but he was always so quiet that you could never tell. He was like a cat, you huffed out a chuckle at the thought, a mean cat he would be.

Cold metal braced itself into your stomach, causing you to jump from the sudden change of temperature and weight. “Jesus!” you exclaimed, you would've sat up if it weren't for the metal pressing down in such a way you couldn't do so comfortably. “What the f-” you start, moving your arm away from your face to get a look, only to be shocked by how close Ultron’s face was. It wasn't close to your face, no, it was closer to your torso where his hand sat.

“You're taking such long breathes, yet short ones at the same time” he observed, his hand on your stomach following the motions of your breathing.

“Thats- don't you know all there is to human anatomy? You should know what happens when adrenaline pumps through the body, usually from fear!” You raise your voice on the last word, trying to tell him indirectly that he had scared you, and you knew that he had understood because of his intelligence.

He lets out a hum, the metallic voice actually sending a vibration through his hand and onto you. The coldness of his hand and the hum of his voice onto your body caused the reaction of a shiver, goosebumps even popping up around his hand. Curious with the reaction, he drags his hand up more, pushing up against your own hand that hadn't moved, your shirt being pushed up more just by a little. He watched your breath slowly mellow out after he stopped moving his hand and let it rest just about your bellybutton.

“I thought you didn't like humans” you muttered, simply watching him as he sat almost eerily unmoving. “I don't” was all he replied with. His hand slowly moved from completely resting the whole palm on you to tracing a single finger down your side, brushing the back of his finger against where your kidney would probably be. Another shiver raises up your spine, but also a chuckle from when he brushes against a specific spot.

His finger paused after you let out a small laugh, turning his head slightly to look at your face before moving his finger to brush against the same spot. The same reaction occurred, you let out a slightly louder chuckle. He repeated the process a couple times until he seemed satisfied, by then your face slightly flushed from being tickled.

When he had his fun he went and rested his arms on you, crossed over each other and resting on your stomach like it was the most casual thing ever. His head went and followed, resting on your side and faced away from you: and then he just sat there.

Wow, he really was like a cat, no respect for others space.

[rabesbabe]

Moonlight on the River

Ava Starr x gn!Reader

☁︎ summary: You never thought it’d be possible to find a family and people you trust until you joined the Thunderbolts. You cared for everyone on the team like you’d known them forever, and most seemed to feel the same. However, the one member you felt the most drawn to seemed to avoid you like the plague.

☁︎ A/N: happy pride month <3 this fic is definitely angstyy I got a little carried away lol. reader has illusion powers but it’s only brought up like once or twice. and of course my requests are open if you have ideas for a yelena or ava fic !

It was uncomfortable—the whole situation. Leaving your life behind to be a part of some team you never agreed to be on, having to work with people you’d barely known before the day you all saved New York, and being known to the public as some “hero”. It all took some adjusting. But, as time went on things eventually got better.

You and Yelena became closer, bonding over being youngest siblings and your shared love of everything adrenaline-inducing. You learned to get used to Bob’s strange personality, often creating illusions of anything and everything just to make him smile and pull him out of his head. And Alexei became an unconventional father figure to you. Bucky was Bucky, slightly shy and mopey. But you both cared for each other. Lately, you’d even started getting along with Walker. When you both realized you shared a love of film, the heated arguments you once got into went away. And they instead turned into small debates over directors and your ratings on letterboxd.

Things were almost perfect. But there was one ghost that always haunted your mind. The first time you met her was of course, in the vault. Before you went in Valentina gave you a brief rundown on who your target was. “Ava-Starr most commonly known as ghost, a self-centered, ruthless, mole whose powers allow her to phase through basically anything and become invisible.” Valentina’s description of her made you cringe at the time. The curt words she used could’ve just as easily described you. Deep inside you knew something about this mission felt off. Valentina was never one to tell the full truth. But you went in anyway, desperate for a clean slate just like everyone else.

As you entered, you noticed a man in hospital attire wandering aimlessly. Nearby, a woman with a blonde shag haircut sat looking unimpressed, while a guy you recognized as the failed Captain America paced back and forth. Confused, you wondered what was happening; this wasn’t the plan Valentina had told you about. Then, finally, you spotted her. You swore it was a trick of light or something. At first, she was feet away from you, taking weapons off a dead taskmaster casually. And then, she disappeared into thin air— and suddenly reappeared in front of you, her blue eyes scanning you curiously. “Someone’s late to the party.” She said, her thick accent lacing her words with sarcasm.

Since that moment you swore you were doomed. And it only got worse when the New Avengers formed. You were completely entranced by her. The way her brown hair fell perfectly over her shoulders, the adorable nose scrunch and smile that lit up her face whenever Alexei said something odd, how smart and witty she was—those were the things that captivated you. Ava was someone who didn't trust easily and preferred to keep to herself, much like everyone else on the team. So when she seemed wary of you at first, you assumed that, over time, she would warm up to you as the others did. Eventually, she did become more comfortable with everyone—except for you.

It was hard to ignore the slight twinge in your chest when you’d see her with your teammates. Whether she was laughing with Yelena, swapping shield stories with Bucky, or even just hanging around Bob while on her phone or reading a book. It was like she’d grown close to everyone else and somehow missed the memo when it came to you. As the days went by the more intentional it started to feel.

On one occasion, you had walked into the living room planning to sit on the couch and fill out the paperwork Valentina had sent you. As you entered the living room you noticed Yelena and Ava were in there as well. Not thinking much of it you sat down on a lounge chair near Yelena. You didn’t fail to miss the way Ava seemed to start phasing slightly. “Ah perfect Y/N,” Yelena said at your entrance. “Ava and I were just talking about how we’re so tired of pretending to like the food John cooks every night. We’re going to sneak and get takeout from the Chinese restaurant down the street for the team. Want to come with?” She asked with a genuine grin on her face. You laughed at the implication that John’s food was bad (it was) and of course said yes. When Ava heard your answer her normally calm demeanor quickly switched into an uneasy one. She looked at Yelena with an unreadable expression and said, “You two should go I’ll stay back.” And before Yelena could question her she phased invisible and disappeared.

It’d happen all the time. You’d walk into a room Ava was in and her mood would completely change. She’d either go silent suddenly dismissing whoever she was talking to, or she’d just leave altogether quietly phasing out. It was getting to the point where everyone else started to notice.

On an unusually calm evening when the team had no absurd request from Valentina like you often did. You John, Bob, and Yelena were sat watching some Russian movie Yelena had put on. “I wonder where Bucky, Alexei, and Ava are.” Asked John while throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it in his mouth. Yelena looked up at him internally cringing at the fact he hadn’t caught a single piece yet and replied, “Alexei is off printing out more shitty ‘merch’ as he calls it,” Rolling her eyes at her Dads antics. “Bucky is probably somewhere moping about Sam being mad at him. and I have no idea where Ava is.” Before John was able to give a response Bob suddenly spoke up, ”Ava’s probably just avoiding Y/N like always.” You immediately shifted in your seat suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “What?” You ask Bob. He seemed to have realized what he said and avoided your eyes like a guilty puppy would. You looked at everyone and they all seemed to be suddenly uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “You guys think she does that?” You ask brows furrowing. John stopped throwing popcorn around and just looked at you sympathetically. “She definitely does,” Yelena answered bluntly no longer focused on the movie in front of her. She was the only one who knew how you felt about Ava. And It’s not like you didn’t know any of this before. It just hurt more hearing it out loud from other people. “But why? I haven’t done anything to her.” You asked upset. Yelena just shrugged, faking nonchalance. She looked at you as if she knew something you didn’t.

From that point on you realized you were probably never going to figure out the mystery of Ava Starr. You decided to get over yourself and your feelings because obviously, she wasn’t interested. A few days after that, you awoke in the night from a bad dream. Your eyes were glazed over as you attempted to push down a sob. The last thing you wanted to do was wake someone up. It’s not like this was an uncommon occurrence for you. It happened a lot. Especially on the nights after a mission. You knew you just needed to get some air to clear your head. You went to the bathroom washed your face with cold water and headed outside.

Nightmares have tormented you your whole life. Threatening you with memories you try your best to hide away. As the cold wind hit your face you allowed a few tears to fall. Just as you buried your head into your arms you felt a hand softly brush against you. Instinctively, you sprung up ready to defend yourself. But instead of being met with an attacker, you saw a timid Ava standing in front of you wearing a sympathetic expression. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She said taking a few steps closer to you. You quickly wiped your tears and backed away from her just nodding your head in response. Her mannerisms were shy and gentle but her face was painted with worry. “Are you okay?” She asked, her blue eyes staring into yours. You looked at your fidgeting hands avoiding her strong gaze and sat back down. “I’m fine,” you replied your tone harsher than you meant it to be. Ava sat down next to you. “Well, obviously you’re not if you’re sitting out here crying at 4 am.” She countered trying to lightly joke with you. You were already not in a good mood and the last thing you needed was her pitying you. “I said I’m fine Ava drop it.” You replied. Your voice was slightly shaky. She looked into your eyes her brows furrowed and subconsciously started phasing at your words. “You don’t need to suddenly act like you care. Just go back to avoiding me and pretending I don’t exist.” You got up and left without a second thought.

Part of you knew you were too harsh, but the other part of you felt like she deserved it. The rest of the day you tried to forget about the situation altogether. You decided to focus on other things. Bob seemed quieter than normal so you tried your best to cheer him up with illusions. You created images of rainbow butterflies, stars, and much to Bucky's dismay an illusion of him as a hulk. Then, Alexei roped you into watching old videos of him as the Red Guardian back in Russia. Surprisingly he looked kind of cool. You’d never tell him that though. Later in the day, you and Yelena attempted to help John improve his cooking skills. After many failed attempts you finally ended up with a decent meal.

You guys were just planning to put it in the fridge and let everyone eat whenever they saw fit. But Alexei barged in with other plans. He squeezed Yelenas' shoulders smiling like a kid in a candy store. “My beautiful daughter and you both have made this wonderful dinner and you guys want to just put it in the fridge?” You and John just nodded not sure what he was getting at. “No no no. We must eat it at the table. Like a real team would!” He walked past you and grabbed plates and drink glasses. “Here super soldier,” He said pushing plates into John’s hands. “Help me set the table. Yelena, you find us a drink for while we eat.” She rubbed her temples as if he was giving her a headache but followed suit and grabbed drinks from the fridge. “And Y/N, go get the rest of the team and tell them dinner is served!” His idea wasn’t all that bad. And you would’ve loved it if it didn’t mean you had to knock on Ava’s door and speak to her. After what happened the night before she was the last person you wanted to see.

Following the Russian's orders you began searching for the rest of the team. Finding Bob was easy. Recently he was always playing some sort of game on the PC Yelena got for him. You knock on his door and see him doing exactly what you expected, “Alexei is making us do a team dinner.” You say knowing you didn’t need to elaborate any further. Bob just put down his controller and got up to head to the kitchen. Easy enough.

Now you needed to find Bucky. Most of the time he was in the team gym sparring or on a Zoom call trying to settle all his old congressman affairs. You decided to check the gym first and there he was. Hitting a punching bag like it owed him money. “Bucky!” You yell not sure if he can even hear you over all the punching. He looks over his shoulder his face serious until he sees it’s just you. Grabbing a towel to wipe his sweat he walks over. “Everything okay Y/N?” You nod slightly smiling because you know he’s not going to like what you’re about to say. A questioning expression covers his face but he doesn’t say anything and waits for you to speak. “Alexei is trying to do a team dinner. He wants us all in the kitchen soon.” You smile at him. “Right. And I'm guessing I have no choice but to be there?”He asks rhetorically while hanging his head in slight annoyance. You just laugh at him on your way out. “See you in 5!”

Now, was the part you were dreading. As you stepped into the elevator, you tried to ignore the anxiety that washed over you. You start imagining yourself at Ava’s door and her slamming it in your face after she realizes who it is. God, you loved Alexei but his timing couldn’t have been worse. The elevator let you out and you began walking down the hallway towards the brunette's room. You were seriously starting to consider just knocking, yelling out the words “Dinner!” “Downstairs!” “Now!”, and then running into the elevator before she could open the door. But you decided to be mature about it. (You had no choice she could phase through the wall anyway and see you).

You stood at her door for longer than you should’ve before you could work up the courage to knock. “What’re you doing?” You heard an accented voice ask as the door in front of you swung open. Inwardly you cursed yourself for taking so long. You step back and see Ava looking at you curiously. It almost made you mad how beautiful she seemed to always look. Here she was standing in front of you in sweatpants and a tank top and somehow she still looked perfect. Ava cocked her eyebrow at you a small smirk on her lips and you realized a little too late that you were staring. “I was just coming to tell you that Alexei is making us have a team dinner. Everyone’s probably in the kitchen now.” You said speaking too quickly. She simply nodded and walked past you towards the elevator. You just stood back awkwardly not sure if you should follow her. “There’s only one way down isn’t there?” She asks stopping and looking back at you. You feel like an idiot and quickly catch up to her.

The elevator ride was awkwardly silent. You wanted to speak up and wracked your brain for anything to say to her. But it seems she had the same idea and beat you to it. “Look,” She said turning to face you. “I just wanted to say that-“ And before she could finish her sentence the elevator bell rang and the door opened. “Ah, there you both are!” Yelled Alexei as he greeted you at the door. He practically dragged you and Ava over to the table. Yelena gave you a questioning look as you took your seat. The glass of vodka in her hand looked rather full.

“Took you both long enough. You know super soldiers need to eat more than the average person. I’m starving.” John said rubbing his hands together over his plate. “No one cares that you took the leftovers of some serum you found on the floor, John.” Quipped Ava. Yelena laughed a little too loudly. “You both did take forever though.” She added, her words slightly slurred. “I was starting to think you were skipping this dinner for another type of meal.” Ava’s eyes widened and she almost choked on the water she was drinking. Bucky's eyebrows looked as if they were going to fly off his forehead. “Alright, that’s enough of that.” He said grabbing her glass before she could protest. You wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “Great. Can we just eat? Please?” You swore you were going to murder the blonde the next time you were alone with her.

Thankfully, the rest of the dinner went smoothly. There were no more uncalled-for comments by Yelena. And besides the awkward glances you and Ava shared now and then everything was fine. After dinner, you showered and changed clothes. You needed some quiet and decided to go to the tower's library and read for a bit. The library there had a special feeling at night. You loved how the moon's light shined through the windows and the fact that no one else came in so late. You had the whole area to yourself.

After a while of reading you swore you were hearing noises. Like footsteps in the hallway near the library. No one else was awake so you just assumed you had just imagined it. That was until a nervous-looking Ava phased out of the wall and stood in front of you. “Fuck! Ava, what the hell?” You say jumping out of your skin when you see her. She tried her best to not laugh. “Sorry, I swear I wasn’t trying to scare you.” She says smiling guiltily. “You have to stop doing that. One day I might actually have a heart attack.” She laughs a little at your words sitting down next to you on the library’s couch, “Can’t have that can we?” You just smile a little and shake your head. A beat of silence passes over you both. Unsure of what you should say or do, you pretend to be interested again in the book you’re reading. You can feel Ava's strong gaze on you. And the feeling of her watching you makes you more nervous than it should.

“You know I never got to finish what I was going to say to you earlier.” She finally mutters, her voice barely above a whisper. Softly you sit up more and turn towards her. For the first time in a while, her eyes look away from yours. “On the rooftop. What you said…” You feel your heart tug at your chest. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Ava.” You say regret lacing your voice. She looks up at you her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe. But you were right.” Her words catch you off guard but you listen nonetheless. “I do avoid you. But it’s not because I don’t like you Y/N.” You couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated like before. “Did I do something wrong?” She runs her hands through her hair and you notice it again. The way shes phasing. “Sorry,” She says sighing. “Harder to control when I’m nervous.” You shake your head. “You don’t need to apologize.” Without thinking you place your hand out in invitation. Her eyes meet yours hesitantly but she places her cold hand over your warm one. And Her phasing calms a little. You nod to encourage her to continue speaking.

“Y/N, I grew up not knowing what it meant to have a family. To have friends. All I knew was pain because of what I could do.” You listened intently careful to not interrupt her. “The only people I knew were doctors who poked and prodded at me, and “shield” agents who trained me to use my powers to hurt others. But then you guys came along. And for once I felt like maybe I could learn to trust.” A small smile spread across your face at her admission. “And with everyone else came you. You genuinely cared about me, about the team. You were able to make everyone feel like they deserved to be here despite whatever they had done before. And somehow you could look beautiful while doing all of it.” You looked at her in disbelief. You were glad the library was dim because she couldn’t see the way your cheeks flushed a dark red at her words.

She shook her head and sighed before continuing. “I couldn’t talk to you without my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. Fuck I mean I can’t even sit in the same room as you without my suit or I’ll start phasing. So I decided it’d just be easier to stay away from you completely. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.” You squeezed her hand affectionately and gave her a playfully annoyed look. “And this whole time I was so sure you hated me.” She hid her face with her hand guiltily. You grab her hand and move it away so you can look at her. You admire how her sharp features are being highlighted by the moonlight. Making her somehow even more beautiful. A deep blush finds its way onto her face as she shifts closer to you. While wrapping her hand around your waist her eyes search yours for any sign of disapproval. When you give her a shy smile she closes the gap between you two. Soft lips pressing against yours. You both were gentle at first. Slightly unsure of what the other wanted. But as Ava cupped the side of your face and brought you closer, both of your movements became messier and less calculated. She sighed against your lips before you finally had to pull away for air. You let her brush her fingers against your face. “I’m sorry. I really am darling.” She says. And you kiss her once more erasing all her guilt.

It was uncomfortable—the whole situation. Leaving your life behind to be a part of some team you never agreed to be on, having to work with people you’d barely known before the day you all saved New York, and being known to the public as some “hero”. It all took some adjusting. But, as time went on things eventually got better.

You and Yelena became closer, bonding over being youngest siblings and your shared love of everything adrenaline-inducing. You learned to get used to Bob’s strange personality, often creating illusions of anything and everything just to make him smile and pull him out of his head. And Alexei became an unconventional father figure to you. Bucky was Bucky, slightly shy and mopey. But you both cared for each other. Lately, you’d even started getting along with Walker. When you both realized you shared a love of film, the heated arguments you once got into went away. And they instead turned into small debates over directors and your ratings on letterboxd.

Things were almost perfect. But there was one ghost that always haunted your mind. The first time you met her was of course, in the vault. Before you went in Valentina gave you a brief rundown on who your target was. “Ava-Starr most commonly known as ghost, a self-centered, ruthless, mole whose powers allow her to phase through basically anything and become invisible.” Valentina’s description of her made you cringe at the time. The curt words she used could’ve just as easily described you. Deep inside you knew something about this mission felt off. Valentina was never one to tell the full truth. But you went in anyway, desperate for a clean slate just like everyone else.

As you entered, you noticed a man in hospital attire wandering aimlessly. Nearby, a woman with a blonde shag haircut sat looking unimpressed, while a guy you recognized as the failed Captain America paced back and forth. Confused, you wondered what was happening; this wasn’t the plan Valentina had told you about. Then, finally, you spotted her. You swore it was a trick of light or something. At first, she was feet away from you, taking weapons off a dead taskmaster casually. And then, she disappeared into thin air— and suddenly reappeared in front of you, her blue eyes scanning you curiously. “Someone’s late to the party.” She said, her thick accent lacing her words with sarcasm.

Since that moment you swore you were doomed. And it only got worse when the New Avengers formed. You were completely entranced by her. The way her brown hair fell perfectly over her shoulders, the adorable nose scrunch and smile that lit up her face whenever Alexei said something odd, how smart and witty she was—those were the things that captivated you. Ava was someone who didn't trust easily and preferred to keep to herself, much like everyone else on the team. So when she seemed wary of you at first, you assumed that, over time, she would warm up to you as the others did. Eventually, she did become more comfortable with everyone—except for you.

It was hard to ignore the slight twinge in your chest when you’d see her with your teammates. Whether she was laughing with Yelena, swapping shield stories with Bucky, or even just hanging around Bob while on her phone or reading a book. It was like she’d grown close to everyone else and somehow missed the memo when it came to you. As the days went by the more intentional it started to feel.

On one occasion, you had walked into the living room planning to sit on the couch and fill out the paperwork Valentina had sent you. As you entered the living room you noticed Yelena and Ava were in there as well. Not thinking much of it you sat down on a lounge chair near Yelena. You didn’t fail to miss the way Ava seemed to start phasing slightly. “Ah perfect Y/N,” Yelena said at your entrance. “Ava and I were just talking about how we’re so tired of pretending to like the food John cooks every night. We’re going to sneak and get takeout from the Chinese restaurant down the street for the team. Want to come with?” She asked with a genuine grin on her face. You laughed at the implication that John’s food was bad (it was) and of course said yes. When Ava heard your answer her normally calm demeanor quickly switched into an uneasy one. She looked at Yelena with an unreadable expression and said, “You two should go I’ll stay back.” And before Yelena could question her she phased invisible and disappeared.

It’d happen all the time. You’d walk into a room Ava was in and her mood would completely change. She’d either go silent suddenly dismissing whoever she was talking to, or she’d just leave altogether quietly phasing out. It was getting to the point where everyone else started to notice.

On an unusually calm evening when the team had no absurd request from Valentina like you often did. You John, Bob, and Yelena were sat watching some Russian movie Yelena had put on. “I wonder where Bucky, Alexei, and Ava are.” Asked John while throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it in his mouth. Yelena looked up at him internally cringing at the fact he hadn’t caught a single piece yet and replied, “Alexei is off printing out more shitty ‘merch’ as he calls it,” Rolling her eyes at her Dads antics. “Bucky is probably somewhere moping about Sam being mad at him. and I have no idea where Ava is.” Before John was able to give a response Bob suddenly spoke up, ”Ava’s probably just avoiding Y/N like always.” You immediately shifted in your seat suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “What?” You ask Bob. He seemed to have realized what he said and avoided your eyes like a guilty puppy would. You looked at everyone and they all seemed to be suddenly uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “You guys think she does that?” You ask brows furrowing. John stopped throwing popcorn around and just looked at you sympathetically. “She definitely does,” Yelena answered bluntly no longer focused on the movie in front of her. She was the only one who knew how you felt about Ava. And It’s not like you didn’t know any of this before. It just hurt more hearing it out loud from other people. “But why? I haven’t done anything to her.” You asked upset. Yelena just shrugged, faking nonchalance. She looked at you as if she knew something you didn’t.

From that point on you realized you were probably never going to figure out the mystery of Ava Starr. You decided to get over yourself and your feelings because obviously, she wasn’t interested. A few days after that, you awoke in the night from a bad dream. Your eyes were glazed over as you attempted to push down a sob. The last thing you wanted to do was wake someone up. It’s not like this was an uncommon occurrence for you. It happened a lot. Especially on the nights after a mission. You knew you just needed to get some air to clear your head. You went to the bathroom washed your face with cold water and headed outside.

Nightmares have tormented you your whole life. Threatening you with memories you try your best to hide away. As the cold wind hit your face you allowed a few tears to fall. Just as you buried your head into your arms you felt a hand softly brush against you. Instinctively, you sprung up ready to defend yourself. But instead of being met with an attacker, you saw a timid Ava standing in front of you wearing a sympathetic expression. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She said taking a few steps closer to you. You quickly wiped your tears and backed away from her just nodding your head in response. Her mannerisms were shy and gentle but her face was painted with worry. “Are you okay?” She asked, her blue eyes staring into yours. You looked at your fidgeting hands avoiding her strong gaze and sat back down. “I’m fine,” you replied your tone harsher than you meant it to be. Ava sat down next to you. “Well, obviously you’re not if you’re sitting out here crying at 4 am.” She countered trying to lightly joke with you. You were already not in a good mood and the last thing you needed was her pitying you. “I said I’m fine Ava drop it.” You replied. Your voice was slightly shaky. She looked into your eyes her brows furrowed and subconsciously started phasing at your words. “You don’t need to suddenly act like you care. Just go back to avoiding me and pretending I don’t exist.” You got up and left without a second thought.

Part of you knew you were too harsh, but the other part of you felt like she deserved it. The rest of the day you tried to forget about the situation altogether. You decided to focus on other things. Bob seemed quieter than normal so you tried your best to cheer him up with illusions. You created images of rainbow butterflies, stars, and much to Bucky's dismay an illusion of him as a hulk. Then, Alexei roped you into watching old videos of him as the Red Guardian back in Russia. Surprisingly he looked kind of cool. You’d never tell him that though. Later in the day, you and Yelena attempted to help John improve his cooking skills. After many failed attempts you finally ended up with a decent meal.

You guys were just planning to put it in the fridge and let everyone eat whenever they saw fit. But Alexei barged in with other plans. He squeezed Yelenas' shoulders smiling like a kid in a candy store. “My beautiful daughter and you both have made this wonderful dinner and you guys want to just put it in the fridge?” You and John just nodded not sure what he was getting at. “No no no. We must eat it at the table. Like a real team would!” He walked past you and grabbed plates and drink glasses. “Here super soldier,” He said pushing plates into John’s hands. “Help me set the table. Yelena, you find us a drink for while we eat.” She rubbed her temples as if he was giving her a headache but followed suit and grabbed drinks from the fridge. “And Y/N, go get the rest of the team and tell them dinner is served!” His idea wasn’t all that bad. And you would’ve loved it if it didn’t mean you had to knock on Ava’s door and speak to her. After what happened the night before she was the last person you wanted to see.

Following the Russian's orders you began searching for the rest of the team. Finding Bob was easy. Recently he was always playing some sort of game on the PC Yelena got for him. You knock on his door and see him doing exactly what you expected, “Alexei is making us do a team dinner.” You say knowing you didn’t need to elaborate any further. Bob just put down his controller and got up to head to the kitchen. Easy enough.

Now you needed to find Bucky. Most of the time he was in the team gym sparring or on a Zoom call trying to settle all his old congressman affairs. You decided to check the gym first and there he was. Hitting a punching bag like it owed him money. “Bucky!” You yell not sure if he can even hear you over all the punching. He looks over his shoulder his face serious until he sees it’s just you. Grabbing a towel to wipe his sweat he walks over. “Everything okay Y/N?” You nod slightly smiling because you know he’s not going to like what you’re about to say. A questioning expression covers his face but he doesn’t say anything and waits for you to speak. “Alexei is trying to do a team dinner. He wants us all in the kitchen soon.” You smile at him. “Right. And I'm guessing I have no choice but to be there?”He asks rhetorically while hanging his head in slight annoyance. You just laugh at him on your way out. “See you in 5!”

Now, was the part you were dreading. As you stepped into the elevator, you tried to ignore the anxiety that washed over you. You start imagining yourself at Ava’s door and her slamming it in your face after she realizes who it is. God, you loved Alexei but his timing couldn’t have been worse. The elevator let you out and you began walking down the hallway towards the brunette's room. You were seriously starting to consider just knocking, yelling out the words “Dinner!” “Downstairs!” “Now!”, and then running into the elevator before she could open the door. But you decided to be mature about it. (You had no choice she could phase through the wall anyway and see you).

You stood at her door for longer than you should’ve before you could work up the courage to knock. “What’re you doing?” You heard an accented voice ask as the door in front of you swung open. Inwardly you cursed yourself for taking so long. You step back and see Ava looking at you curiously. It almost made you mad how beautiful she seemed to always look. Here she was standing in front of you in sweatpants and a tank top and somehow she still looked perfect. Ava cocked her eyebrow at you a small smirk on her lips and you realized a little too late that you were staring. “I was just coming to tell you that Alexei is making us have a team dinner. Everyone’s probably in the kitchen now.” You said speaking too quickly. She simply nodded and walked past you towards the elevator. You just stood back awkwardly not sure if you should follow her. “There’s only one way down isn’t there?” She asks stopping and looking back at you. You feel like an idiot and quickly catch up to her.

The elevator ride was awkwardly silent. You wanted to speak up and wracked your brain for anything to say to her. But it seems she had the same idea and beat you to it. “Look,” She said turning to face you. “I just wanted to say that-“ And before she could finish her sentence the elevator bell rang and the door opened. “Ah, there you both are!” Yelled Alexei as he greeted you at the door. He practically dragged you and Ava over to the table. Yelena gave you a questioning look as you took your seat. The glass of vodka in her hand looked rather full.

“Took you both long enough. You know super soldiers need to eat more than the average person. I’m starving.” John said rubbing his hands together over his plate. “No one cares that you took the leftovers of some serum you found on the floor, John.” Quipped Ava. Yelena laughed a little too loudly. “You both did take forever though.” She added, her words slightly slurred. “I was starting to think you were skipping this dinner for another type of meal.” Ava’s eyes widened and she almost choked on the water she was drinking. Bucky's eyebrows looked as if they were going to fly off his forehead. “Alright, that’s enough of that.” He said grabbing her glass before she could protest. You wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “Great. Can we just eat? Please?” You swore you were going to murder the blonde the next time you were alone with her.

Thankfully, the rest of the dinner went smoothly. There were no more uncalled-for comments by Yelena. And besides the awkward glances you and Ava shared now and then everything was fine. After dinner, you showered and changed clothes. You needed some quiet and decided to go to the tower's library and read for a bit. The library there had a special feeling at night. You loved how the moon's light shined through the windows and the fact that no one else came in so late. You had the whole area to yourself.

After a while of reading you swore you were hearing noises. Like footsteps in the hallway near the library. No one else was awake so you just assumed you had just imagined it. That was until a nervous-looking Ava phased out of the wall and stood in front of you. “Fuck! Ava, what the hell?” You say jumping out of your skin when you see her. She tried her best to not laugh. “Sorry, I swear I wasn’t trying to scare you.” She says smiling guiltily. “You have to stop doing that. One day I might actually have a heart attack.” She laughs a little at your words sitting down next to you on the library’s couch, “Can’t have that can we?” You just smile a little and shake your head. A beat of silence passes over you both. Unsure of what you should say or do, you pretend to be interested again in the book you’re reading. You can feel Ava's strong gaze on you. And the feeling of her watching you makes you more nervous than it should.

“You know I never got to finish what I was going to say to you earlier.” She finally mutters, her voice barely above a whisper. Softly you sit up more and turn towards her. For the first time in a while, her eyes look away from yours. “On the rooftop. What you said…” You feel your heart tug at your chest. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Ava.” You say regret lacing your voice. She looks up at you her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe. But you were right.” Her words catch you off guard but you listen nonetheless. “I do avoid you. But it’s not because I don’t like you Y/N.” You couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated like before. “Did I do something wrong?” She runs her hands through her hair and you notice it again. The way shes phasing. “Sorry,” She says sighing. “Harder to control when I’m nervous.” You shake your head. “You don’t need to apologize.” Without thinking you place your hand out in invitation. Her eyes meet yours hesitantly but she places her cold hand over your warm one. And Her phasing calms a little. You nod to encourage her to continue speaking.

“Y/N, I grew up not knowing what it meant to have a family. To have friends. All I knew was pain because of what I could do.” You listened intently careful to not interrupt her. “The only people I knew were doctors who poked and prodded at me, and “shield” agents who trained me to use my powers to hurt others. But then you guys came along. And for once I felt like maybe I could learn to trust.” A small smile spread across your face at her admission. “And with everyone else came you. You genuinely cared about me, about the team. You were able to make everyone feel like they deserved to be here despite whatever they had done before. And somehow you could look beautiful while doing all of it.” You looked at her in disbelief. You were glad the library was dim because she couldn’t see the way your cheeks flushed a dark red at her words.

She shook her head and sighed before continuing. “I couldn’t talk to you without my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. Fuck I mean I can’t even sit in the same room as you without my suit or I’ll start phasing. So I decided it’d just be easier to stay away from you completely. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.” You squeezed her hand affectionately and gave her a playfully annoyed look. “And this whole time I was so sure you hated me.” She hid her face with her hand guiltily. You grab her hand and move it away so you can look at her. You admire how her sharp features are being highlighted by the moonlight. Making her somehow even more beautiful. A deep blush finds its way onto her face as she shifts closer to you. While wrapping her hand around your waist her eyes search yours for any sign of disapproval. When you give her a shy smile she closes the gap between you two. Soft lips pressing against yours. You both were gentle at first. Slightly unsure of what the other wanted. But as Ava cupped the side of your face and brought you closer, both of your movements became messier and less calculated. She sighed against your lips before you finally had to pull away for air. You let her brush her fingers against your face. “I’m sorry. I really am darling.” She says. And you kiss her once more erasing all her guilt. It was uncomfortable—the whole situation. Leaving your life behind to be a part of some team you never agreed to be on, having to work with people you’d barely known before the day you all saved New York, and being known to the public as some “hero”. It all took some adjusting. But, as time went on things eventually got better.

You and Yelena became closer, bonding over being youngest siblings and your shared love of everything adrenaline-inducing. You learned to get used to Bob’s strange personality, often creating illusions of anything and everything just to make him smile and pull him out of his head. And Alexei became an unconventional father figure to you. Bucky was Bucky, slightly shy and mopey. But you both cared for each other. Lately, you’d even started getting along with Walker. When you both realized you shared a love of film, the heated arguments you once got into went away. And they instead turned into small debates over directors and your ratings on letterboxd.

Things were almost perfect. But there was one ghost that always haunted your mind. The first time you met her was of course, in the vault. Before you went in Valentina gave you a brief rundown on who your target was. “Ava-Starr most commonly known as ghost, a self-centered, ruthless, mole whose powers allow her to phase through basically anything and become invisible.” Valentina’s description of her made you cringe at the time. The curt words she used could’ve just as easily described you. Deep inside you knew something about this mission felt off. Valentina was never one to tell the full truth. But you went in anyway, desperate for a clean slate just like everyone else.

As you entered, you noticed a man in hospital attire wandering aimlessly. Nearby, a woman with a blonde shag haircut sat looking unimpressed, while a guy you recognized as the failed Captain America paced back and forth. Confused, you wondered what was happening; this wasn’t the plan Valentina had told you about. Then, finally, you spotted her. You swore it was a trick of light or something. At first, she was feet away from you, taking weapons off a dead taskmaster casually. And then, she disappeared into thin air— and suddenly reappeared in front of you, her blue eyes scanning you curiously. “Someone’s late to the party.” She said, her thick accent lacing her words with sarcasm.

Since that moment you swore you were doomed. And it only got worse when the New Avengers formed. You were completely entranced by her. The way her brown hair fell perfectly over her shoulders, the adorable nose scrunch and smile that lit up her face whenever Alexei said something odd, how smart and witty she was—those were the things that captivated you. Ava was someone who didn't trust easily and preferred to keep to herself, much like everyone else on the team. So when she seemed wary of you at first, you assumed that, over time, she would warm up to you as the others did. Eventually, she did become more comfortable with everyone—except for you.

It was hard to ignore the slight twinge in your chest when you’d see her with your teammates. Whether she was laughing with Yelena, swapping shield stories with Bucky, or even just hanging around Bob while on her phone or reading a book. It was like she’d grown close to everyone else and somehow missed the memo when it came to you. As the days went by the more intentional it started to feel.

On one occasion, you had walked into the living room planning to sit on the couch and fill out the paperwork Valentina had sent you. As you entered the living room you noticed Yelena and Ava were in there as well. Not thinking much of it you sat down on a lounge chair near Yelena. You didn’t fail to miss the way Ava seemed to start phasing slightly. “Ah perfect Y/N,” Yelena said at your entrance. “Ava and I were just talking about how we’re so tired of pretending to like the food John cooks every night. We’re going to sneak and get takeout from the Chinese restaurant down the street for the team. Want to come with?” She asked with a genuine grin on her face. You laughed at the implication that John’s food was bad (it was) and of course said yes. When Ava heard your answer her normally calm demeanor quickly switched into an uneasy one. She looked at Yelena with an unreadable expression and said, “You two should go I’ll stay back.” And before Yelena could question her she phased invisible and disappeared.

It’d happen all the time. You’d walk into a room Ava was in and her mood would completely change. She’d either go silent suddenly dismissing whoever she was talking to, or she’d just leave altogether quietly phasing out. It was getting to the point where everyone else started to notice.

On an unusually calm evening when the team had no absurd request from Valentina like you often did. You John, Bob, and Yelena were sat watching some Russian movie Yelena had put on. “I wonder where Bucky, Alexei, and Ava are.” Asked John while throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it in his mouth. Yelena looked up at him internally cringing at the fact he hadn’t caught a single piece yet and replied, “Alexei is off printing out more shitty ‘merch’ as he calls it,” Rolling her eyes at her Dads antics. “Bucky is probably somewhere moping about Sam being mad at him. and I have no idea where Ava is.” Before John was able to give a response Bob suddenly spoke up, ”Ava’s probably just avoiding Y/N like always.” You immediately shifted in your seat suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “What?” You ask Bob. He seemed to have realized what he said and avoided your eyes like a guilty puppy would. You looked at everyone and they all seemed to be suddenly uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “You guys think she does that?” You ask brows furrowing. John stopped throwing popcorn around and just looked at you sympathetically. “She definitely does,” Yelena answered bluntly no longer focused on the movie in front of her. She was the only one who knew how you felt about Ava. And It’s not like you didn’t know any of this before. It just hurt more hearing it out loud from other people. “But why? I haven’t done anything to her.” You asked upset. Yelena just shrugged, faking nonchalance. She looked at you as if she knew something you didn’t.

From that point on you realized you were probably never going to figure out the mystery of Ava Starr. You decided to get over yourself and your feelings because obviously, she wasn’t interested. A few days after that, you awoke in the night from a bad dream. Your eyes were glazed over as you attempted to push down a sob. The last thing you wanted to do was wake someone up. It’s not like this was an uncommon occurrence for you. It happened a lot. Especially on the nights after a mission. You knew you just needed to get some air to clear your head. You went to the bathroom washed your face with cold water and headed outside.

Nightmares have tormented you your whole life. Threatening you with memories you try your best to hide away. As the cold wind hit your face you allowed a few tears to fall. Just as you buried your head into your arms you felt a hand softly brush against you. Instinctively, you sprung up ready to defend yourself. But instead of being met with an attacker, you saw a timid Ava standing in front of you wearing a sympathetic expression. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She said taking a few steps closer to you. You quickly wiped your tears and backed away from her just nodding your head in response. Her mannerisms were shy and gentle but her face was painted with worry. “Are you okay?” She asked, her blue eyes staring into yours. You looked at your fidgeting hands avoiding her strong gaze and sat back down. “I’m fine,” you replied your tone harsher than you meant it to be. Ava sat down next to you. “Well, obviously you’re not if you’re sitting out here crying at 4 am.” She countered trying to lightly joke with you. You were already not in a good mood and the last thing you needed was her pitying you. “I said I’m fine Ava drop it.” You replied. Your voice was slightly shaky. She looked into your eyes her brows furrowed and subconsciously started phasing at your words. “You don’t need to suddenly act like you care. Just go back to avoiding me and pretending I don’t exist.” You got up and left without a second thought.

Part of you knew you were too harsh, but the other part of you felt like she deserved it. The rest of the day you tried to forget about the situation altogether. You decided to focus on other things. Bob seemed quieter than normal so you tried your best to cheer him up with illusions. You created images of rainbow butterflies, stars, and much to Bucky's dismay an illusion of him as a hulk. Then, Alexei roped you into watching old videos of him as the Red Guardian back in Russia. Surprisingly he looked kind of cool. You’d never tell him that though. Later in the day, you and Yelena attempted to help John improve his cooking skills. After many failed attempts you finally ended up with a decent meal.

You guys were just planning to put it in the fridge and let everyone eat whenever they saw fit. But Alexei barged in with other plans. He squeezed Yelenas' shoulders smiling like a kid in a candy store. “My beautiful daughter and you both have made this wonderful dinner and you guys want to just put it in the fridge?” You and John just nodded not sure what he was getting at. “No no no. We must eat it at the table. Like a real team would!” He walked past you and grabbed plates and drink glasses. “Here super soldier,” He said pushing plates into John’s hands. “Help me set the table. Yelena, you find us a drink for while we eat.” She rubbed her temples as if he was giving her a headache but followed suit and grabbed drinks from the fridge. “And Y/N, go get the rest of the team and tell them dinner is served!” His idea wasn’t all that bad. And you would’ve loved it if it didn’t mean you had to knock on Ava’s door and speak to her. After what happened the night before she was the last person you wanted to see.

Following the Russian's orders you began searching for the rest of the team. Finding Bob was easy. Recently he was always playing some sort of game on the PC Yelena got for him. You knock on his door and see him doing exactly what you expected, “Alexei is making us do a team dinner.” You say knowing you didn’t need to elaborate any further. Bob just put down his controller and got up to head to the kitchen. Easy enough.

Now you needed to find Bucky. Most of the time he was in the team gym sparring or on a Zoom call trying to settle all his old congressman affairs. You decided to check the gym first and there he was. Hitting a punching bag like it owed him money. “Bucky!” You yell not sure if he can even hear you over all the punching. He looks over his shoulder his face serious until he sees it’s just you. Grabbing a towel to wipe his sweat he walks over. “Everything okay Y/N?” You nod slightly smiling because you know he’s not going to like what you’re about to say. A questioning expression covers his face but he doesn’t say anything and waits for you to speak. “Alexei is trying to do a team dinner. He wants us all in the kitchen soon.” You smile at him. “Right. And I'm guessing I have no choice but to be there?”He asks rhetorically while hanging his head in slight annoyance. You just laugh at him on your way out. “See you in 5!”

Now, was the part you were dreading. As you stepped into the elevator, you tried to ignore the anxiety that washed over you. You start imagining yourself at Ava’s door and her slamming it in your face after she realizes who it is. God, you loved Alexei but his timing couldn’t have been worse. The elevator let you out and you began walking down the hallway towards the brunette's room. You were seriously starting to consider just knocking, yelling out the words “Dinner!” “Downstairs!” “Now!”, and then running into the elevator before she could open the door. But you decided to be mature about it. (You had no choice she could phase through the wall anyway and see you).

You stood at her door for longer than you should’ve before you could work up the courage to knock. “What’re you doing?” You heard an accented voice ask as the door in front of you swung open. Inwardly you cursed yourself for taking so long. You step back and see Ava looking at you curiously. It almost made you mad how beautiful she seemed to always look. Here she was standing in front of you in sweatpants and a tank top and somehow she still looked perfect. Ava cocked her eyebrow at you a small smirk on her lips and you realized a little too late that you were staring. “I was just coming to tell you that Alexei is making us have a team dinner. Everyone’s probably in the kitchen now.” You said speaking too quickly. She simply nodded and walked past you towards the elevator. You just stood back awkwardly not sure if you should follow her. “There’s only one way down isn’t there?” She asks stopping and looking back at you. You feel like an idiot and quickly catch up to her.

The elevator ride was awkwardly silent. You wanted to speak up and wracked your brain for anything to say to her. But it seems she had the same idea and beat you to it. “Look,” She said turning to face you. “I just wanted to say that-“ And before she could finish her sentence the elevator bell rang and the door opened. “Ah, there you both are!” Yelled Alexei as he greeted you at the door. He practically dragged you and Ava over to the table. Yelena gave you a questioning look as you took your seat. The glass of vodka in her hand looked rather full.

“Took you both long enough. You know super soldiers need to eat more than the average person. I’m starving.” John said rubbing his hands together over his plate. “No one cares that you took the leftovers of some serum you found on the floor, John.” Quipped Ava. Yelena laughed a little too loudly. “You both did take forever though.” She added, her words slightly slurred. “I was starting to think you were skipping this dinner for another type of meal.” Ava’s eyes widened and she almost choked on the water she was drinking. Bucky's eyebrows looked as if they were going to fly off his forehead. “Alright, that’s enough of that.” He said grabbing her glass before she could protest. You wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “Great. Can we just eat? Please?” You swore you were going to murder the blonde the next time you were alone with her.

Thankfully, the rest of the dinner went smoothly. There were no more uncalled-for comments by Yelena. And besides the awkward glances you and Ava shared now and then everything was fine. After dinner, you showered and changed clothes. You needed some quiet and decided to go to the tower's library and read for a bit. The library there had a special feeling at night. You loved how the moon's light shined through the windows and the fact that no one else came in so late. You had the whole area to yourself.

After a while of reading you swore you were hearing noises. Like footsteps in the hallway near the library. No one else was awake so you just assumed you had just imagined it. That was until a nervous-looking Ava phased out of the wall and stood in front of you. “Fuck! Ava, what the hell?” You say jumping out of your skin when you see her. She tried her best to not laugh. “Sorry, I swear I wasn’t trying to scare you.” She says smiling guiltily. “You have to stop doing that. One day I might actually have a heart attack.” She laughs a little at your words sitting down next to you on the library’s couch, “Can’t have that can we?” You just smile a little and shake your head. A beat of silence passes over you both. Unsure of what you should say or do, you pretend to be interested again in the book you’re reading. You can feel Ava's strong gaze on you. And the feeling of her watching you makes you more nervous than it should.

“You know I never got to finish what I was going to say to you earlier.” She finally mutters, her voice barely above a whisper. Softly you sit up more and turn towards her. For the first time in a while, her eyes look away from yours. “On the rooftop. What you said…” You feel your heart tug at your chest. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Ava.” You say regret lacing your voice. She looks up at you her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe. But you were right.” Her words catch you off guard but you listen nonetheless. “I do avoid you. But it’s not because I don’t like you Y/N.” You couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated like before. “Did I do something wrong?” She runs her hands through her hair and you notice it again. The way shes phasing. “Sorry,” She says sighing. “Harder to control when I’m nervous.” You shake your head. “You don’t need to apologize.” Without thinking you place your hand out in invitation. Her eyes meet yours hesitantly but she places her cold hand over your warm one. And Her phasing calms a little. You nod to encourage her to continue speaking.

“Y/N, I grew up not knowing what it meant to have a family. To have friends. All I knew was pain because of what I could do.” You listened intently careful to not interrupt her. “The only people I knew were doctors who poked and prodded at me, and “shield” agents who trained me to use my powers to hurt others. But then you guys came along. And for once I felt like maybe I could learn to trust.” A small smile spread across your face at her admission. “And with everyone else came you. You genuinely cared about me, about the team. You were able to make everyone feel like they deserved to be here despite whatever they had done before. And somehow you could look beautiful while doing all of it.” You looked at her in disbelief. You were glad the library was dim because she couldn’t see the way your cheeks flushed a dark red at her words.

She shook her head and sighed before continuing. “I couldn’t talk to you without my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. Fuck I mean I can’t even sit in the same room as you without my suit or I’ll start phasing. So I decided it’d just be easier to stay away from you completely. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.” You squeezed her hand affectionately and gave her a playfully annoyed look. “And this whole time I was so sure you hated me.” She hid her face with her hand guiltily. You grab her hand and move it away so you can look at her. You admire how her sharp features are being highlighted by the moonlight. Making her somehow even more beautiful. A deep blush finds its way onto her face as she shifts closer to you. While wrapping her hand around your waist her eyes search yours for any sign of disapproval. When you give her a shy smile she closes the gap between you two. Soft lips pressing against yours. You both were gentle at first. Slightly unsure of what the other wanted. But as Ava cupped the side of your face and brought you closer, both of your movements became messier and less calculated. She sighed against your lips before you finally had to pull away for air. You let her brush her fingers against your face. “I’m sorry. I really am darling.” She says. And you kiss her once more erasing all her guilt.

It was uncomfortable—the whole situation. Leaving your life behind to be a part of some team you never agreed to be on, having to work with people you’d barely known before the day you all saved New York, and being known to the public as some “hero”. It all took some adjusting. But, as time went on things eventually got better.

You and Yelena became closer, bonding over being youngest siblings and your shared love of everything adrenaline-inducing. You learned to get used to Bob’s strange personality, often creating illusions of anything and everything just to make him smile and pull him out of his head. And Alexei became an unconventional father figure to you. Bucky was Bucky, slightly shy and mopey. But you both cared for each other. Lately, you’d even started getting along with Walker. When you both realized you shared a love of film, the heated arguments you once got into went away. And they instead turned into small debates over directors and your ratings on letterboxd.

Things were almost perfect. But there was one ghost that always haunted your mind. The first time you met her was of course, in the vault. Before you went in Valentina gave you a brief rundown on who your target was. “Ava-Starr most commonly known as ghost, a self-centered, ruthless, mole whose powers allow her to phase through basically anything and become invisible.” Valentina’s description of her made you cringe at the time. The curt words she used could’ve just as easily described you. Deep inside you knew something about this mission felt off. Valentina was never one to tell the full truth. But you went in anyway, desperate for a clean slate just like everyone else.

As you entered, you noticed a man in hospital attire wandering aimlessly. Nearby, a woman with a blonde shag haircut sat looking unimpressed, while a guy you recognized as the failed Captain America paced back and forth. Confused, you wondered what was happening; this wasn’t the plan Valentina had told you about. Then, finally, you spotted her. You swore it was a trick of light or something. At first, she was feet away from you, taking weapons off a dead taskmaster casually. And then, she disappeared into thin air— and suddenly reappeared in front of you, her blue eyes scanning you curiously. “Someone’s late to the party.” She said, her thick accent lacing her words with sarcasm.

Since that moment you swore you were doomed. And it only got worse when the New Avengers formed. You were completely entranced by her. The way her brown hair fell perfectly over her shoulders, the adorable nose scrunch and smile that lit up her face whenever Alexei said something odd, how smart and witty she was—those were the things that captivated you. Ava was someone who didn't trust easily and preferred to keep to herself, much like everyone else on the team. So when she seemed wary of you at first, you assumed that, over time, she would warm up to you as the others did. Eventually, she did become more comfortable with everyone—except for you.

It was hard to ignore the slight twinge in your chest when you’d see her with your teammates. Whether she was laughing with Yelena, swapping shield stories with Bucky, or even just hanging around Bob while on her phone or reading a book. It was like she’d grown close to everyone else and somehow missed the memo when it came to you. As the days went by the more intentional it started to feel.

On one occasion, you had walked into the living room planning to sit on the couch and fill out the paperwork Valentina had sent you. As you entered the living room you noticed Yelena and Ava were in there as well. Not thinking much of it you sat down on a lounge chair near Yelena. You didn’t fail to miss the way Ava seemed to start phasing slightly. “Ah perfect Y/N,” Yelena said at your entrance. “Ava and I were just talking about how we’re so tired of pretending to like the food John cooks every night. We’re going to sneak and get takeout from the Chinese restaurant down the street for the team. Want to come with?” She asked with a genuine grin on her face. You laughed at the implication that John’s food was bad (it was) and of course said yes. When Ava heard your answer her normally calm demeanor quickly switched into an uneasy one. She looked at Yelena with an unreadable expression and said, “You two should go I’ll stay back.” And before Yelena could question her she phased invisible and disappeared.

It’d happen all the time. You’d walk into a room Ava was in and her mood would completely change. She’d either go silent suddenly dismissing whoever she was talking to, or she’d just leave altogether quietly phasing out. It was getting to the point where everyone else started to notice.

On an unusually calm evening when the team had no absurd request from Valentina like you often did. You John, Bob, and Yelena were sat watching some Russian movie Yelena had put on. “I wonder where everyone else is.” Questioned John as he threw popcorn up and tried to catch it in his mouth. Yelena looked up at him internally cringing at the fact he hadn’t caught a single piece yet and replied, “Alexei is off printing out more shitty ‘merch’ as he calls it,” Rolling her eyes at her Dads antics. “Bucky is probably somewhere moping about Sam being mad at him. and I have no idea where Ava is.” Before John was able to give a response Bob suddenly spoke up, ”Ava’s probably just avoiding Y/N like always.” You immediately shifted in your seat suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “What?” You ask Bob. He seemed to have realized what he said and avoided your eyes like a guilty puppy would. You looked at everyone and they all seemed to be suddenly uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “You guys think she does that?” You ask brows furrowing. John stopped throwing popcorn around and just looked at you sympathetically. “She definitely does,” Yelena answered bluntly no longer focused on the movie in front of her. She was the only one who knew how you felt about Ava. And It’s not like you didn’t know any of this before. It just hurt more hearing it out loud from other people. “But why? I haven’t done anything to her.” You asked upset. Yelena just shrugged, faking nonchalance. She looked at you as if she knew something you didn’t.

From that point on you realized you were probably never going to figure out the mystery of Ava Starr. You decided to get over yourself and your feelings because obviously, she wasn’t interested. A few days after that, you awoke in the night from a bad dream. Your eyes were glazed over as you attempted to push down a sob. The last thing you wanted to do was wake someone up. It’s not like this was an uncommon occurrence for you. It happened a lot. Especially on the nights after a mission. You knew you just needed to get some air to clear your head. You went to the bathroom washed your face with cold water and headed outside.

Nightmares have tormented you your whole life. Threatening you with memories you try your best to hide away. As the cold wind hit your face you allowed a few tears to fall. Just as you buried your head into your arms you felt a hand softly brush against you. Instinctively, you sprung up ready to defend yourself. But instead of being met with an attacker, you saw a timid Ava standing in front of you wearing a sympathetic expression. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She said taking a few steps closer to you. You quickly wiped your tears and backed away from her just nodding your head in response. Her mannerisms were shy and gentle but her face was painted with worry. “Are you okay?” She asked, her blue eyes staring into yours. You looked at your fidgeting hands avoiding her strong gaze and sat back down. “I’m fine,” you replied your tone harsher than you meant it to be. Ava sat down next to you. “Well, obviously you’re not if you’re sitting out here crying at 4 am.” She countered trying to lightly joke with you. You were already not in a good mood and the last thing you needed was her pitying you. “I said I’m fine Ava drop it.” You replied. Your voice was slightly shaky. She looked into your eyes her brows furrowed and subconsciously started phasing at your words. “You don’t need to suddenly act like you care. Just go back to avoiding me and pretending I don’t exist.” You got up and left without a second thought.

Part of you knew you were too harsh, but the other part of you felt like she deserved it. The rest of the day you tried to forget about the situation altogether. You decided to focus on other things. Bob seemed quieter than normal so you tried your best to cheer him up with illusions. You created images of rainbow butterflies, stars, and much to Bucky's dismay an illusion of him as a hulk. Then, Alexei roped you into watching old videos of him as the Red Guardian back in Russia. Surprisingly he looked kind of cool. You’d never tell him that though. Later in the day, you and Yelena attempted to help John improve his cooking skills. After many failed attempts you finally ended up with a decent meal.

You guys were just planning to put it in the fridge and let everyone eat whenever they saw fit. But Alexei barged in with other plans. He squeezed Yelenas' shoulders smiling like a kid in a candy store. “My beautiful daughter and you both have made this wonderful dinner and you guys want to just put it in the fridge?” You and John just nodded not sure what he was getting at. “No no no. We must eat it at the table. Like a real team would!” He walked past you and grabbed plates and drink glasses. “Here super soldier,” He said pushing plates into John’s hands. “Help me set the table. Yelena, you find us a drink for while we eat.” She rubbed her temples as if he was giving her a headache but followed suit and grabbed drinks from the fridge. “And Y/N, go get the rest of the team and tell them dinner is served!” His idea wasn’t all that bad. And you would’ve loved it if it didn’t mean you had to knock on Ava’s door and speak to her. After what happened the night before she was the last person you wanted to see.

Following the Russian's orders you began searching for the rest of the team. Finding Bob was easy. Recently he was always playing some sort of game on the PC Yelena got for him. You knock on his door and see him doing exactly what you expected, “Alexei is making us do a team dinner.” You say knowing you didn’t need to elaborate any further. Bob just put down his controller and got up to head to the kitchen. Easy enough.

Now you needed to find Bucky. Most of the time he was in the team gym sparring or on a Zoom call trying to settle all his old congressman affairs. You decided to check the gym first and there he was. Hitting a punching bag like it owed him money. “Bucky!” You yell not sure if he can even hear you over all the punching. He looks over his shoulder his face serious until he sees it’s just you. Grabbing a towel to wipe his sweat he walks over. “Everything okay Y/N?” You nod slightly smiling because you know he’s not going to like what you’re about to say. A questioning expression covers his face but he doesn’t say anything and waits for you to speak. “Alexei is trying to do a team dinner. He wants us all in the kitchen soon.” You smile at him. “Right. And I'm guessing I have no choice but to be there?”He asks rhetorically while hanging his head in slight annoyance. You just laugh at him on your way out. “See you in 5!”

Now, was the part you were dreading. As you stepped into the elevator, you tried to ignore the anxiety that washed over you. You start imagining yourself at Ava’s door and her slamming it in your face after she realizes who it is. God, you loved Alexei but his timing couldn’t have been worse. The elevator let you out and you began walking down the hallway towards the brunette's room. You were seriously starting to consider just knocking, yelling out the words “Dinner!” “Downstairs!” “Now!”, and then running into the elevator before she could open the door. But you decided to be mature about it. (You had no choice she could phase through the wall anyway and see you).

You stood at her door for longer than you should’ve before you could work up the courage to knock. “What’re you doing?” You heard an accented voice ask as the door in front of you swung open. Internally you cursed yourself for taking so long. You step back and see Ava looking at you curiously. It almost made you mad how beautiful she seemed to always look. Here she was standing in front of you in sweatpants and a tank top and somehow she still looked perfect. Ava cocked her eyebrow at you a small smirk on her lips and you realized a little too late that you were staring. “I was just coming to tell you that Alexei is making us have a team dinner. Everyone’s probably in the kitchen now.” You said speaking too quickly. She simply nodded and walked past you towards the elevator. You just stood back awkwardly not sure if you should follow her. “There’s only one way down isn’t there?” She asks stopping and looking back at you. You feel like an idiot and quickly catch up to her.

The elevator ride was awkwardly silent. You wanted to speak up and wracked your brain for anything to say to her. But it seems she had the same idea and beat you to it. “Look,” She said turning to face you. “I just wanted to say that-“ And before she could finish her sentence the elevator bell rang and the door opened. “Ah, there you both are!” Yelled Alexei as he greeted you at the door. He practically dragged you and Ava over to the table. Yelena gave you a questioning look as you took your seat. The glass of vodka in her hand looked rather full.

“Took you both long enough. You know super soldiers need to eat more than the average person. I’m starving.” John said rubbing his hands together over his plate. “No one cares that you took the leftovers of some serum you found on the floor, John.” Quipped Ava. Yelena laughed a little too loudly. “You both did take forever though.” She added, her words slightly slurred. “I was starting to think you were skipping this dinner for another type of meal.” Ava’s eyes widened and she almost choked on the water she was drinking. Bucky's eyebrows looked as if they were going to fly off his forehead. “Alright, that’s enough of that.” He said grabbing her glass before she could protest. You wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “Great. Can we just eat? Please?” You swore you were going to murder the blonde the next time you were alone with her.

Thankfully, the rest of the dinner went smoothly. There were no more uncalled-for comments by Yelena. And besides the awkward glances you and Ava shared now and then everything was fine. After dinner, you showered and changed clothes. You needed some quiet and decided to go to the tower's library and read for a bit. The library there had a special feeling at night. You loved how the moon's light shined through the windows and the fact that no one else came in so late. You had the whole area to yourself.

After a while of reading you swore you were hearing noises. Like footsteps in the hallway near the library. No one else was awake so you just assumed you had imagined it out of sleepiness. That was until a nervous-looking Ava phased out of the wall and stood in front of you. “Fuck! Ava, what the hell?” You say basically jumping out of your skin when you see her. She tried her best to not laugh. “Sorry, I swear I wasn’t trying to scare you.” She says smiling guiltily. “You have to stop doing that. One day I might actually have a heart attack.” She laughs a little at your words sitting down next to you on the library’s couch, “Can’t have that can we?” You just smile a little and shake your head. A beat of silence passes over you both. Unsure of what you should say or do, you pretend to be interested again in the book you’re reading. You can feel Ava's strong gaze on you. And the feeling of her watching you makes you more nervous than it should.

“You know I never got to finish what I was going to say to you earlier.” She finally mutters, her voice barely above a whisper. Softly, you place your book down and turn towards her. For the first time in a while, her eyes look away from yours. “On the rooftop. What you said…” You feel your heart tug at your chest. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Ava.” You say regret lacing your voice. She looks up at you her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe. But you were right.” Her words catch you off guard but you listen nonetheless. “I do avoid you. But it’s not because I don’t like you Y/N.” You couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated like before. “Did I do something wrong?” She runs her hands through her hair and you notice it again. The way shes phasing. “Sorry,” She says sighing. “Harder to control when I’m nervous.” You shake your head. “You don’t need to apologize.” Without thinking you place your hand out in invitation. Her eyes meet yours hesitantly but she places her cold hand over your warm one. And Her phasing calms a little. You nod to encourage her to continue speaking.

“Y/N, I grew up not knowing what it meant to have a family. To have friends. All I knew was pain because of what I could do.” You listened intently careful to not interrupt her. “The only people I knew were doctors who poked and prodded at me, and “shield” agents who trained me to use my powers to hurt others. But then you guys came along. And for once I felt like maybe I could learn to trust.” A small smile spread across your face at her admission. “And with everyone else came you. You genuinely cared about me, about the team. You were able to make everyone feel like they deserved to be here despite whatever they had done before. And somehow you could look beautiful while doing all of it.” You looked at her in disbelief. You were glad the library was dim because she couldn’t see the way your cheeks flushed a dark red at her words.

She shook her head and sighed before continuing. “I couldn’t talk to you without my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. Fuck I mean I can’t even sit in the same room as you without my suit or I’ll start phasing. So I decided it’d just be easier to stay away from you completely. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.” You squeezed her hand affectionately and gave her a playfully annoyed look. “And this whole time I was so sure you hated me.” She hid her face with her hand guiltily. You grab her hand and move it away so you can look at her. You admire how her sharp features are being highlighted by the moonlight. Making her somehow even more beautiful. A deep blush finds its way onto her face as she shifts closer to you. While wrapping her hand around your waist her eyes search yours for any sign of disapproval. When you give her a shy smile she closes the gap between you two. Soft lips pressing against yours. You both were gentle at first. Slightly unsure of what the other wanted. But as Ava cupped the side of your face and brought you closer, both of your movements became messier and less calculated. She sighed against your lips before you finally had to pull away for air. You let her brush her fingers against your face. “I’m sorry. I really am darling.” She says. And you kiss her once more erasing all her guilt.

[clairewritesfanfics]

if there were enough supplies in the wasteland for the marks to survive until angstrom got back on his bullshit what do you think wouldve happened?

(I will be basing my answer on my headcanons about the Marks' personalities and mainly the TV show variants.)

First, I'm going to rank them from most to least reasonable: Omni-Mark, Viltrumite > Full Mask, Maskless > Shiesty, Target, Sinister > Prisoner.

Omni would try to lead the group, he has strong big brother/dad energy and from what we've seen in his fight with Main!Mark, he has great control over his powers, which implies discipline, which implies patience. I imagine he would be very willing to wait things out. He doesn't seem like someone who would go around murdering everyone else right off the bat, the risk-reward ratio would be too low because the others would surround him. The same thinking can be applied with Viltrumite. However, taking a leadership role means that he (just Omni here) has all the power and most of the trust. Backstabbing is not out of the question once the numbers dwindle.

Full Mask and Maskless would be antsy but also cooperative. (I still haven't fleshed them out in my head so I'm afraid that's all I can say.)

Target comes off as an impudent thing, very childish, but not to the same extent as Shiesty. I feel like his "I won't keep you as a slave in my empire" was more like a disappointed superior than a kid throwing a tantrum, so while he doesn't like the situation, he's going to cooperate.

Sinister is manipulative and while a little arrogant, he isn't stupid. He's going to play nice to ensure his survival.

Shiesty maybe immature, but he gives off spoiled baby brother vibes. He is the baby of the bunch (even if they're likely all the same age), and like all babies, he may cry and whine, but he is still going to obey his older "siblings."

Prisoner, my darling, my baby, he would be furious and upset. He went straight from one prison to another. He'll pick fights and fly around screaming, trying to find a way out. The others have to wait for him to calm down before they can start conversing properly.

edit: I forgot about Mohawk. Having a harem is harder than it looks. I need to make a checklist.

Omni-Mark, Viltrumite > Full Mask = Maskless = Mohawk > Shiesty, Target, Sinister > Prisoner

Mohawk isn't an idiot. He knows that banding together, even if temporarily, is smarter than fighting or leaving the group. He doesn't want to murder anyone for no reason, so when he works with the others, he isn't pretending, he's genuine in his efforts to stay alive. Hopefully, everyone would still be alive so they can kill Angstrom together.

inside the little theatre (random scenes that form in my head, you may ignore them if you want)

You/Me: I love them!

The judge holding my harem responsible for their actions: They murdered over a million people across the multiverse.

Us: *shakes head dramatically* If they died then that's a skill issue on their part! They're just NPCs!

[alicelillianshaw]

Again, that surety of Jack's. Always so certain. Steady, despite the quicksilver nature of his.

He wanted her to borrow his copy despite how important the book was. And it makes Alice melt.

That same surety is infused in his voice at his next declaration.

'I know I'm going to like your work more than Oscar Wilde. Harper Lee. Tolstoy. Shakespeare. All of them.'

Man.

Alice's parents were the most loving, most encouraging people on the planet— they praised Alice and her aspirations at every turn.

She would be eternally grateful.

And, somehow, every word of Jack's was somehow ...more affirming. It struck her, affected her like nobody else's praise had ever had.

It's almost difficult to comprehend, the affect he had on her already, but the truth of it slice's through Alice like a cleaver.

All of them.

She grins so wide it hurts.

"You're so crazy."

"You're too nice to me. You're so fucking crazy that I'm gonna recommend you for an evaluation for something. You're so crazy you're making me question the validity of your Yale degree."

A beat, and Alice leans back. Swallows hard, and tells herself to hold it together.

It's considerably more difficult to hold it together when Jack brushes at her cheeks— so fucking tenderly — and tells her not to cry on their date.

God.

All Alice can do is to take another sip of wine and look at eyes that only see him.

Study the way he dips the mushroom room, watches the way his throat moves when he swallows. Alice takes another bite of his mother's beloved duck.

'She's kind of the reason I'm such a food snob," he revealed. "I'm not … really a food snob. You know how I feel about Uncrustables. But my mom didn't cook, and we had this really great chef when I was growing up. She was always asking him to make me paella and grilled lamb chops. She created a monster.'

Oh. My god. That was too fucking cute for Alice— the idea of little Jack tucking into a plate of paella and tenderly grilled lamb.

She giggles, covering her mouth with a hand.

"Not a food snob, no. But ... an enthusiast. I think the only person who would have gone to the effort of making me homemade potato chips was someone who grew up eating paella and grilled lamb chops."

And what kid liked lamb? It was so fucking endearing, the idea of little Jack and his elevated tastes.

"Whenever I see you cook it looks like you belong there."

God— when Alice had seen Jack with that towel flung over his shoulder. That had almost been enough to send her into hypertension.

But at Jack's question, she laughs. Laughs to remember the complete bedlam of her childhood.

"Mmm. We had a rotating schedule," Alice says, grinning as she remembers the brightly colored chart affixed to the side of the fridge. "My mom would be grading papers sometimes. Or my dad would be away at a field study. So me and my sisters would each have a night where we had to cook, to make it equal for everyone, I guess."

"The rule was we weren't allowed to complain about anyone's first try at a recipe." Alice smirks.

"And Victoria went through this fucking vegan phase, so we all dreaded Tuesday because this crazy bitch would subject us to the most insane seitan concoctions— like she would make buffalo 'chicken' grilled cheese. And the cheese was rubber. It was car tire! And I had to sit there at that fucking table and not say anything because it was a hostage situation for everyone but Victoria."

Her lips twitch. Absolutely disgusting! And yet, despite the slew of failed recipes — some of them belonging to Alice — it had all been very fun. Even the bickering. Especially the bickering.

Alice grins, and wished she could project her own memories out onto the wall for Jack to watch.

"Shockingly, I complained that my one night of cooking a week cut into my reading time."

"I'm so sure," Jack replied, with absolutely no hesitation. If anyone was going to take great care of his copy of the Art of War, it was Alice. He wouldn't trust anyone to care for it the way she would.

It was a little funny how easily Alice had won his trust. If anyone in the Kennedy family had seen how quickly things had escalated over the last several days, they would've popped a vein cautioning Jack about all of the ways things could go wrong.

They would've urged Jack to put his defenses up, to disclose only the necessary to Alice, nothing more.

But God — he was so glad he hadn't done that. Was so glad he wasn't doing that.

"I know I'm going to like your work more than Oscar Wilde. Harper Lee. Tolstoy. Shakespeare. All of them."

Jack had never been so sure about something in his life.

The lamb was perfectly cooked. Still steaming. He sliced a piece off with his fork. The cut of meat practically dissolved between his molars with little effort. It was delectable.

He smiled, mouth closed, as Alice tried the duck. It was so good she could have cried.

Jack reached across the table, thumb gently caressing beneath her left eye for a split second, before retracting his hand.

"Don't cry," he said, swallowing. "Not on our date."

He focused on the sautéed mushrooms next, dipping them into the sauce on his plate. Another favorite combination of Jack's.

"She's kind of the reason I'm such a food snob," he revealed. "I'm not … really a food snob. You know how I feel about Uncrustables. But my mom didn't cook, and we had this really great chef when I was growing up. She was always asking him to make me paella and grilled lamb chops. She created a monster."

There was a pause, because while Jack did want to tell Alice everything about himself, he didn't want that night to be all about him.

"Did your mom or dad cook a lot growing up? Or your sisters?"

[lesser-vissir]

Girl, please don't blow up your lovelife and housing situation over tumblr moral purity testing OCD. I understand that it's distasteful, but you're not the one hanging out with or fucking this ex-marine. Life is too precarious for us tgirls as it is. The 3rd world girlies are never going to forgive you or me for being born in the US anymore than the terves are going to forgive us for being AMAB, something else we had no control over. No matter how much you give up, or how small you make yourself, or how bad you feel they are never going to be satisfied. There are plenty of first world POC tgirl commies on here that aren't going to want you to destroy yourself to prove your anti-imperialist purity. I've been a communist longer than these girls have been alive, and I don't demand that from you. Maybe, we're more important than purity. Maybe OUR lives matter too.

I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate the sentiment, but this isn't about moral purity. Like I said, a couple years ago it may have been, but after nearly killing myself from the loneliness that blowing up one of my last friend groups over something similar I decided to just tolerate it.

This is about me HATING the US military. I spent four years in the SWANA region when I was a teenager and made a lot of friends there. Moreover, because these friends were able to go to the same international school as a US citizen, they were some of the wealthiest and most privileged people in the region.

Every single one of them. Every one. Has a story about their family's lives being ruined by the US or its military dogs. It may not have happened to their immediate family, or recently but every single person I knew there had a story where the US military played the role of a destabilizing murderous force.

So the real problem is this fucking soldier, spending time in my house, in my life, forcing me to hear about their stupid fucking problems. Every single time they come over I learn something new about their service career. Hell, not fifteen minutes ago they were taking a nap on the couch and had some dumb PTSD nightmare about their squadmate dying. And I had to watch as everyone else goes over to comfort them. Comfort them for having been a fucking murderer, and having one of their stupid murderer buddies die.

I fucking hate us soldiers and I hope all of them, past present and future. Drop fucking dead.

Unfortunately in the US, you are surrounded by ghouls who don't even care that these people go around the world causing immense suffering and misery. So I'm worried if I try to set a boundary about this, they are going to throw me out. I know my girlfriend would probably take my side here if I asked, but it's probably gonna strain our relationship, and there's a good chance it blows up into having to find a new housing situation.

Anyways, I'm just tired but if I keep holding this in, keep just,,,, enduring this soldier's presence, I'm gonna crash out and this is all gonna happen anyways.

[idonotbitemythumbatyou]

Tag game! What are 5 Julian Bashir things you can't write enough of?

@walkingstackofbooks tagged me! This was fun, and forced me to think about what, and how, and why I write this guy!

Single minded determination when he’s convinced that something is the right thing to do, or it’s a problem he’s sure he can solve. This goes hand in hand with his tendency towards defiance even when it’s to an authority figure. Even when it’s just such a bad idea. Even if - oh god. Julian shut up. Julian babe you’re in danger.

So intelligent and yet so so so so dumb. By which I mean I love that he puts his foot in his mouth because he can get caught up in his intellectual understanding of the situation and/or is not always considerate of other people’s feelings.

I love a guy who knows what depression is, recognises that he probably has some glaring symptoms, and then kind of doesn't follow that knowledge with any of the next steps. Very "wow this behaviour would be a red flag if it was anyone else. Good thing I know what I'm doing."

Horny. I love that he's so practical about sexuality (at least as far as I headcanon). He’s down for anything, and pretty enough that he’s never really had to worry about succeeding - even though he’s so awkward and strange. I also love that he uses sex and romance as a(n often unhealthy) coping mechanism.

I love that his story feels unresolved by the end of the show. He’s the most depressed he’s ever been, he’s just crossed a massive ethical line, he’s in an unhealthy (for both of them) relationship, all his friends are leaving, and… ok bye! The end! I haven’t done my post canon fics yet, but all my writing is inspired by that dissonant ending, and a desire to toy with it.

I think everyone I know who writes Ds9 had been tagged!

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

It's a very strange experience listening to the three hour conversation between Bono and Joe Rogan: I'm a huge U2 fan, and consider them the only band continued into the modern age that can really be meaningfully compared to the very greatest of the past like The Beatles and The Stones. No Line On The Horizon, from 15 years ago, is a glorious, stunning album I love, probably the best of its decade, and you can even make a very fine album from their last two (Innocence and Experience) if you mix the better tracks together.

I really like hearing him talk on anything to do with creativity, poetry, the deeper meaning of music and song. I even like hearing his takes on faith and religion, and the window into the more interesting parts of the religious mindset it provides. I'm not a believer myself, but it's clearly been a rock that has sustained him and the band and held them together all these years, which is a great advert for their faith. He's the most relatable Christian voice I know.

I don't get the hate for his dreaming big, reaching for something beyond his grasp, any more than I get it for Elon, and the mosquitoes constantly nipping at both of their ankles and dismissing their good intentions and astounding achievements I just view as a kind of soulless pond scum of humanity, incapable of adding anything of worth to their age and so trying to bring everyone else down to their extremely low level simply to make themselves feel more comfortable with their own mediocrity.

Where it all falls down for me is whenever he opens his mouth about politics. I really tried to listen with an open mind to see how he was seeing the world today, but I just couldn't get there. It seemed like he was editing out all of the inconvenient realities of the modern world from his worldview, and doggedly focusing on unexamined platitudes and a gullible loyalty to corrupt institutions that I just don't see is warranted.

It reminded me of the last time I ended up in a pub with a friend from my youth, and hearing him describe his views on the politics of the day: it was like listening to a nineties liberal just stepping out of a time machine into the modern world, with no knowledge or acknowledgement of the age of monthly Islamic terror attacks that began on September 11th 2001; the unprecedented scale of mass migration and its negative effects everywhere in the west; the madness and irrationality of the modern left, with its visceral hatred of white people and men (and now women), as well as the working classes they used to claim to represent; the brutal censoring of all dissenting opinions to the Woke/PC narrative, and the mandatory celebration of the mutilation and sterilization of children.

None of this seems to be enough of a reason for either of them to question their allegiances from the past, or accept that the left they once felt a part of simply isn't there anymore, and that they're now continuing to support a "side" that is hateful, destructive and unworkable, simply out of habit and cowardice.

But maybe I'm the one that's wrong about that: that's always a possibility, though in this situation I just don't see how. Having said that, it can never hurt to listen to others and try figure out how someone outside of your own skin is interpreting the world.

And the thing is, I don't actually want to change the fundamental nature of people like Bono, who just want everyone to love one another and think that that's the answer to everything. But sometimes love really isn't all you need: in the face of invading armies and sociopathic manipulators doing great harm while hiding behind the word, sometimes love itself is not the answer to the logistical organization of millions of people. But we do need people in the world who believe that it is, even if we maybe shouldn't be getting policy advice from them.

So that's all something of a conundrum for me, and a position I find harder than it should be to meaningfully communicate to just about everyone else.

[jellybeanium124]

I can't stop thinking about the timeline of this event, right?

coz like, it had to have been about 30 minutes after takeoff, yeah? that's about when the seatbelt sign comes off making it safe for rhys darby to get up and grab the fuckin uh you know microphone thingie for flight attendant's to give the safety speech with, and deliver his tight ten consisting of wAcKy traveling jokes right after 9/11.

he couldn't've done it before takeoff, right? not with everyone shoving to get past. the aisle's barely big enough for one person, let alone a hundred grumpy assholes trying to get past this absolutely mortified 27yo man, right?

which means rhys darby had to get on the plane. hopefully they paid him to at least be in first class, not economy stuck in the middle seat of the middle aisle of some fuckin 747 10 rows back.

so you get on the plane. you're in first class, so you're one of the first people on the plane. so you get on the plane and start seeing everyone else walk past you onto the plane. your gut's already churning, right? having to do you airplane bit on an airplane? right after 9/11? there's a little old lady sitting next to you in the window seat. she's reading an agatha christie novel. you wonder if people will think your co-conspirators are in the cockpit re-routing the flight, or if this is some kind of fucked up DB Cooper situation if DB Cooper had a fetish for making an ass of himself.

do you work 9/11 into your act? "so I know everyone's a little on edge getting on a plane these days haha" or is that tasteless? will it just make them hate you more?

maybe you should just run off the plane. fuck your luggage, whatever. but you shouldn't just run out of a gig. and you need to get where you're going anyways.

fuck, they just locked the doors. no escaping this now.

the plan sits still for 20 minutes before finally moving down the tarmac. a flight attendant demonstrates how to use your seat buckle and life vest in the event of an emergency. you really pay attention to the life vest stuff this time. would that even matter if you pulled a DB Cooper? you'd probably die no matter what. yeah don't jump off the plane, darby. you've survived worse than this. you were in the army for fucks sake!! you saved the sheep!! fuckin buck up darby buck up!!!!

the plane takes off.

you haven't been this anxious since asking out your secondary school crush. fuck fuck fuck.

the seatbelt light turns off. you get up. the little old lady glances at you as you stand up and walk towards the front of the plane.

you'd had a chat with the flight attendants before getting on the plane and they hand over the microphone.

"hello passengers of [REDACTED AIRLINE NAME] flight [MAKE UP FLIGHT NUMBER] to [LOCATION]! I'm rhys darby!"

dead silence.

most people can't even see you on the plane. just hear you. and you've got no space. that really fucks up your rhythm. can't do much jumping around up here. fuck fuck fuck.

"so when [AIRLINE NAME] asked me to do a special set for them I jumped on the opportunity! course this was months before..."

dead fucking silence.

fuckin hell. this was gonna be a long 10 minutes.

imagine doing the worst stand up of your life on a plane right after 9/11 and then being stuck on that plane for 1 william hours and it's 2001 so if you have a cell phone it's a flip phone and unusable. and approximately 593 hours into this never-ending flight the guy in the seat in front of you turns around and is like. "look mate. I gotta ask. why'd you do that." and you tell him you got paid and nobody believes you. I'd go into the tiny bathroom and cry. (link)

[providing-leverage]

Tommy Kinard is just like me for real (hardly ever refers to people by their nickname, considers nicknames off limits unless explicitly invited to use them)

[moonchild-in-blue]

I just want everyone to know that in the span of 3 days, I have made 3 loads of laundry, and have a 4th already sorted and ready to go (which includes towels / blankets / bedding). I still need to fold them and put them away BUT the important part is done 🥹

[poisonvdhonvy]

Most people dress up the ugly truth in fancy wrapping, but Izel just serves it cold. He can respect that brutal honesty even when everything else about her makes him want to climb the walls. Her father treating her like a business transaction instead of his daughter. That's some next level family dysfunction right there, and coming from his background, that's saying something. The thing about his sister being lucky throws him completely. Nobody talks about the sacrifices like they actually matter in their world. Everyone just accepts that family equals leverage, that caring about someone makes you weak. But she gets it without him having to spell it out. Something about that recognition makes his chest feel weird, like he's been holding his breath for months and can finally exhale. "Your dad sounds like a real winner," he says, swirling his drink. "Just casually trading daughters like baseball cards." The bitterness creeps into his voice before he can stop it. He's not usually the type to get worked up over other people's family shit. But the way she said it, so casual and accepting, like she's made peace with being treated like property instead of a person. That's messed up on every level.

This conversation is getting deeper than he signed up for tonight. Should probably steer things back to logistics and fake relationship bullshit. But her comment keeps bouncing around his skull. No false promises about love or happily ever after. When did they all get so goddamn cynical about something people used to actually fight for? When did expecting the worst become the smart move instead of hoping for better? "Most guys would definitely just shrug and say that's life," he admits, surprised he wants to keep going down this road. "But I'm apparently too much of a stubborn asshole to accept that's just how shit works. Probably makes me an idiot, but I'd rather be an idiot than watch my sister get stuck in some nightmare situation with those psychos from the east side." He takes another drink, studying her face across the table. She's tougher than he gave her credit for. Not just the ice queen act she puts on, but actually tough. Surviving in their world while maintaining any shred of humanity takes serious strength. "This whole thing we're doing is completely fucked," he says, gesturing between them. "But at least we both know exactly what we're getting into."

Peering at Kyro across the table, his sharp tone didn't surprise her one bit, though the raw honesty behind it caught her off guard for just a moment. Most people in their world perfected the art of saying nothing while talking endlessly, but here he was laying his cards on the table like some kind of amateur. Nevertheless, she couldn't deny there was something almost refreshing about his bluntness, even if it came wrapped in that perpetual scowl he wore like armor. His comment about not getting choices resonated deeper than she wanted to admit—how many times had she told herself the same thing while watching her father orchestrate her life like some elaborate chess game? Still, the way he talked about his sister with genuine protective instinct made her reassess him slightly. She'd expected typical male posturing about family honor, not this raw admission about saving someone he actually cared about.

His question about why she'd settle for an arrangement with someone like him made her pause mid-sip. What was she supposed to say? That her father valued his port operations more than her happiness? She'd learned long ago not to expect fairy tale endings. However, admitting any of that would give Kyro ammunition she wasn't ready to hand over, especially when they were still figuring out whether this fake engagement could actually work. The alcohol was making her thoughts drift toward dangerous territory again, remembering how Demir used to ask similar questions before twisting her answers into manipulation tactics. "You want to know why I'm settling?" she said, meeting his gaze directly. "Because my father doesn't ask my opinion about business decisions, and apparently I'm just another asset to be leveraged. At least with you, I know exactly what I'm getting—no false promises about love or happily ever after." She took another sip, letting the burn ground her thoughts. "Your sister's lucky to have someone willing to sacrifice for her. Most men in our world would just shrug and say that's how things work."

[cheswirls]

magi rambling

idk it jus hit me out of nowhere how much i love magi fic and how sinja is portrayed in such. imo THEEEE best magi fic of all time is works cowritten by galiko and daphnerunning, those two were genuinely on galaxy brain mega dimension level thinking full time, but like less abt magi meta as a whole and more on how the characters are so true to themselves and their flaws

it's been so long that in not gonna be able to remember who all did it but i def remember all of galiko's sinja fic that also portrayed sinbad/judal to some extent, that it was made very clear in the text how differently and on different footing both relationships stood. judal especially in their hands was written so well in a way that changed how i viewed the character in canon to some extent and in every other piece of fictional media. like how can you write someone so pathetic and deceptive and a bastard and it's all perfectly in character

I've never been into sin/ju and i don't think i ever read anything w them in fic seriously or w/o skimming but i did sit thru enough to know how the galiko/daphne pair brought them forth and made it very wanton-ly obvious that sin is always just manipulating judal and leading him on to get what he wants at the end of it all, but in contrast, it's clear that he so deeply loves ja'far in ways mere words cannot express

to see the relationship dynamics compared and contrasted in fic was always such a treat because sin treats almost everyone like they're a stepping stone used to further his own objectives, but then he treats his advisor like a genuine person. shows real care and concern, becomes inconsolable when ja'far is hurt, refuses to quell his rage for any reason when someone has wronged ja'far. his advisor truly is his precious person that he can strip down out of his title as king and just be sinbad around.

and this is even further glorified when ja'f knows but insists he doesn't!!! playa it off bc sin is king and this is uncouth!!! only to have such moments of weakness when anything goes terribly wrong and he's suddenly on the brink of death, terrified of leaving sin behind all alone, letting himself have just as long as it takes to recover the bare minimum amount to bask in sin's unending devotion. they truly do treat each other differently in canon and otherwise and it's so gratifying to see and realize each time as someone who loves sinja so dearly

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[foldingfittedsheets]

It started with cantrips, which is why it took people a while to notice. The first few events were people on the news talking about how they’d been needing a light and then suddenly they’d waved a hand and said words and there was light. No one really believed them but as more reports were verified suddenly more people came forward with even less believable stories of what everyone really didn’t want to call magic. Even though it was pretty obviously magic. Spectral floating hands grabbing things that were out of reach, whispered messages that reached their friend seated too far away to hear them.

An EMT who whispered a word and suddenly saved a dying man.

Then the darker stories started filtering in. 

Words spoken in anger causing explosions. Poison spewing forth from a hand gesture. One person gave a retort so witty that someone was hospitalized. 

Everyone was scared, but the nerds started to figure it out fastest. It sure wasn’t the scientists who were doing the equivalent of crying on the floor in the fetal position in their respective labs while reports poured in globally of these occurrences. A growing movement online started spreading lists. They had all the blessings people might have gotten and regardless of how many people scoffed no one could really deny that every instance of magic correlated to a website listing the cantrips in Dungeons and Dragons. People pooled their collective resources to help quantify what was happening and facts started to emerge.

Everybody got one. You had to be at least thirteen to use the magic. That pretty much summed up the only other common denominators. Otherwise it seemed completely random, the magic didn’t line up with any existing character traits. You just unlocked one piece of magic each. People with aggressive cantrips were almost loaded up into camps for suddenly being so dangerous- however many hit points real humans had it was apparently not a big number. A lot more deaths occurred than anyone could feasibly track and the global population panicked.

The legislation for the camps got struck down. There were riots and confusion and for a while everything was pretty chaotic. Firebolts and Eldritch Blasts went off from sheer exuberance as much as anything else. Amidst the rioting were people just living their lives, not using their cantrips. It took a while for things to settle down, but humans can get used to most anything if given enough time.

Almost everybody scanned the list to figure out which they got, but someone with Chill Touch just enjoyed frostier beverages than most even if it made you think about death more to drink something after the skeleton hand had been wrapped around it. At least it looked cool. Most people didn’t really do anything other than play around. A youtuber who had gotten Shape Water suddenly surged in popularity as she pivoted her channel to creating beautiful patterns with colored water. Other online personalities quickly followed and those with combat focused magic set up backyard target practice to show off. Some fires resulted as well as numerous noise complaints and a law was passed limiting where people could practice magic. It was virtually unenforceable but the people in charge were trying to keep a grip on the situation.

Noticeably the largest subset of the population that used their magic were those who had gotten Spare the Dying. Every government turned out the call that such individuals would receive a generous stipend for taking to the hospitals and stabilizing the sick and injured. Death rates dropped substantially, but it was still only a cantrip. Cancer marched on, but many got to live after miraculous recoveries.

Months passed and things started to become a little more normal. There were still debates about what had caused it and how to regulate magic but day to day life settled down. Speculations over what the long term ramifications would be continued as well as why those cantrips. Wizards of the Coast refused to comment for the first six months, closing its doors to the rioting and keeping them closed. At the end of six months they abruptly published a new line of cantrip cards with all kinds of utility and no combat usage whatsoever. The internet exploded and the government wasn’t pleased, but nothing happened. No one got any new magic. People wondered if those under thirteen would manifest the new stuff, but no one did. They just blew out their thirteenth birthday candles and got handed a cantrip like everyone else. 

A year later a mechanic in rural Canada was peering into the engine of a busted car. He realized he needed some lubricant and instead of reaching for his can he waved a hand and splattered the car with Grease that had burst from his hand. He was a calm sort of fellow so he called up the local news and said there was more magic. They asked first what cantrip he had- folks who received Prestidigitation had made a number of false alarms on receiving additional magic. The mechanic told them his cantrip was Infestation which he’d never had cause to use after figuring it out. 

The press descended and demanded a demonstration. Most people had read up on the basic rules of magic at that point, so everyone understood when the mechanic said they’d have to wait until the next day. A media storm went up the next day with headlines blaring that first level magic had been unlocked after the passing of the lunar new year. 

A wide contingent had been waiting for this opportunity. The spell list went out again amidst less panic but more chaos. There was a rash of identity thefts no could trace and eventually people realized Disguise Self posed a significant challenge to daily life. Celebrities had trouble convincing people they were who they said as random citizens took their faces on numerous joyrides. A scandal broke when it turned out an A list actor had hired someone else to play them while they went on vacation but the details were kept very hush hush.

Hospitals called out desperately for anyone with healing magic and most of those blessed with Cure Wounds and Healing Word answered. People with Goodberry formed community food kitchens and for the first time it seemed like hunger could actually be eliminated. Veterinary offices and zoos made special positions for those who could cast Animal Friendship and Speak with Animals.

A celebrity chef hit the jackpot with Purify Food and Drink and made a whole spinoff series where she went dumpster diving and made five star meals out of rotting leftovers. Several people changed careers entirely to lend their services to study ancient texts with Comprehend Languages. Even one hour a day led to huge leaps in discovery and understanding of ancient civilizations. 

A small murmur of worry followed the new influx of skills and power. What would happen when more magic was unlocked? The amount of people now running around with dangerous combat spells was even greater than before. Would people have to worry about necromancy? New crimes were being invented faster than laws could keep up as magic was put to novel and interesting uses. 

A year passed and everyone waited with bated breath for the lunar new year, but nothing happened. 

But I’m pretty sure I figured it out. We got handed cantrips. And we waited a year for first level spells. I’m pretty sure it’s one more year, and then things will really start to get interesting.

Inspired by this poll. If you enjoyed my writing consider leaving a tip on my Ko-fi!

[curlicuecal]

playing science telephone

Hi folks. Let's play a fun game today called "unravelling bad science communication back to its source."

Journey with me.

Saw a comment going around on a tumblr thread that "sometimes the life expectancy of autism is cited in the 30s"

That number seemed..... strange. The commenter DID go on to say that that was "situational on people being awful and not… anything autism actually does", but you know what? Still a strange number. I feel compelled to fact check.

Quick Google "autism life expectancy" pulls up quite a few websites bandying around the number 39. Which is ~technically~ within the 30s, but already higher than the tumblr factoid would suggest. But, guess what. This number still sounds strange to me.

Most of the websites presenting this factoid present themselves as official autism resources and organizations (for parents, etc), and most of them vaguely wave towards "studies."

Ex: "Above And Beyond Therapy" has a whole article on "Does Autism Affect Life Expectancy" and states:

The link implies that it will take you to the "research studies" being referenced, but it in fact takes you to another random autism resource group called.... Songbird Care?

And on that website we find the factoid again:

Ooh, look. Now they've added the word "some". The average lifespan for SOME autistic people. Which the next group erased from the fact. The message shifts further.

And we have slightly more information about the study! (Which has also shifted from "studies" to a singular "study"). And we have another link!

Wonderfully, this link actually takes us to the actual peer-reviewed 2020 study being discussed. [x]

And here, just by reading the abstract, we find the most important information of all.

This study followed a cohort of adolescent and adult autistic people across a 20 year time period. Within that time period, 6.4% of the cohort died. Within that 6.4%, the average age of death was 39 years.

So this number is VERY MUCH not the average age of death for autistic people, or even the average age of death for the cohort of autistic people in that study. It is the average age of death IF you died young and within the 20 year period of the study (n=26), and also we don't even know the average starting age of participants without digging into earlier papers, except that it was 10 or older. (If you're curious, the researchers in the study suggested reduced self-sufficiency to be among the biggest risk factors for the early mortality group.)

But the number in the study has been removed from it's context, gradually modified and spread around the web, and modified some more, until it is pretty much a nonsense number that everyone is citing from everyone else.

There ARE two other numbers that pop up semi-frequently:

One cites the life expectancy at 58. I will leave finding the context for that number as an exercise for the audience, since none of the places I saw it gave a direct citation for where they were getting it.

And then, probably the best and most relevant number floating around out there (and the least frequently cited) draws from a 2023 study of over 17,000 UK people with an autism diagnosis, across 30 years. [x] This study estimated life expectancies between 70 and 77 years, varying with sex and presence/absence of a learning disability. (As compared to the UK 80-83 average for the population as a whole.)

This is a set of numbers that makes way more sense and is backed by way better data, but isn't quite as snappy a soundbite to pass around the internet. I'm gonna pass it around anyway, because I feel bad about how many scared internet people I stumbled across while doing this search.

People on quora like "I'm autistic, can I live past 38"-- honey, YES. omg.

---

tl;dr, when someone gives you a number out of context, consider that the context is probably important

also, make an amateur fact checker's life easier and CITE YOUR SOURCES

[markrosewater]

I want to speak out against the whole push towards DEI. I feel that ever since you made the push to make identity the forefront of a character it has hurt the stories you tell. Captain Sisay's race was never the focus of her character and she was a complete badass! And I fear if you did it over again Gerrard would be trans, black and disabled just because. It also cheapens the stories of world devastation when characters worry more about their gender than Bolas destroying everything.

The reason I started this blog is so we can have frank conversations about things, so please let’s talk about this.

Imagine if every time you turned on the TV or watched a movie, no one looked like you. For some of us, that’s never happened. We see ourselves constantly, so it’s hard to truly understand what not seeing yourself represented in media is like.

I do have a personal window to this experience. While I am white and male, there’s an area where I am the minority - my religion. Jews are just under two and a half percent of the US population. I have had many experiences where I’ve been in situations where everything is geared towards a group I do not belong to, and zero consideration is given that not everyone at that event is part of the majority.

You just feel invisible and like an outsider. It’s not a great feeling. And I just experience it a tiny portion of time, only things that are geared specifically towards something religious. Most minorities have this feeling all the time, whenever they’re outside their personal community.

Now imagine, after years of not seeing yourself ever, you finally see someone that looks like you, but nothing about the character rings remotely true. They don’t sound like you, they don’t act like you, the facts about their day-to-day life are just wrong. It’s clear whoever wrote the character didn’t truly understand the lived experience of the character, so the character feels fake.

You bring up Sisay. Michael Ryan and I didn’t technically create Sisay (she played a small role in the Mirage story), but we did do a lot to flesh out her character as the creators of the Weatherlight Saga. We turned her from a minor character into a major one.

And while I’m proud, in general, of our work on the Weatherlight Saga, I don’t think we did justice to Sisay as a character. Neither Michael nor I have any knowledge of what it’s like to be a black woman. Nor did we ever talk to someone who did.

And if you’re someone like us that has no knowledge of that experience, you probably didn’t notice. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

Imagine if we made a movie about your life, and we just made everything up. We invented people you never knew, we gave you a job you never had, and we had you say things you’d never say. The movie might even be a good movie, but your response would be, but that’s not my life - that’s not me.

Now imagine we put the movie out, and people that never met you assumed that was what you were like. When people met you for the first time, they assumed things, because, you know, they’d seen the movie.

That’s what misrepresenting people does. It not only makes them feel not seen, it falsely represents them, spreading lies, often stereotypes, making people believe things about them that aren’t true.

Our move towards diversity is just us trying to better reflect the world and the people in it. We’re trying to do to everyone else what a certain portion of people get every day without ever having to think about it.

But why are we “making it the forefront of their character”? We’re not. We’re making it a part of their character. But in a world where you’re not used to ever seeing it, it feels louder than it is. Things that are a natural part of the world that you’re used to feel like the background of the story because you understand the context to it.

If a man kisses his wife before going off to a battle, that’s not a big deal. It’s just a thing a husband might do to his wife when he leaves. It’s not the forefront of his character. It’s just part of his life. But you’ve seen it hundreds of times, so it feels normal.

When someone does something that isn’t your lived experience it pulls focus. It seems like a big deal, but only because it’s new to you. It’s just as mundane a thing to that character as the man kissing his wife is to him.

Even the turn “pushing” implies that it’s unnaturally here, that we’re forcing something that naturally shouldn’t be. But why? That thing exists naturally in the real world, and it doesn’t make the real world any less. Maybe you’re less aware of it, but is making you aware of how others live their life “pushing” something on you?

How you live your life is represented constantly, everywhere. Why isn’t over-representing your experience at the expense of everyone else’s “pushing” it? Why is media only being the experience of those in power the “proper way”?

Having more depth and variety doesn’t lessen stories. It makes them deeper, more rich, more nuanced. In short, it makes them better stories. In my former life, I was a professional writer. I took a lot of writing classes. One of the truism of writing is “speaking truth leads to better stories”.

There’s another famous quote: “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” You’re used to being over-represented, so being a little less over-represented feels like something has been taken from you. But really it hasn’t. Having a better sense of the rest of the world comes with a lot of benefits.

I’ll use food as an example. Let’s say all you were ever exposed to was the food of your heritage. Yeah, that food is really good, but sometimes isn’t it nice to eat foods of other nationalities? Isn’t your life better that you have a choice? Isn’t your exposure and access to the food of other nationalities a positive in your life?

Exposure to variety is a positive. It allows you to learn about things you didn’t know, experience things things you’ve never experienced, and get a better sense of understanding of your friends and neighbors.

Our actions are not to harm anyone, and if you think that’s what we’re doing, please take a minute to actually absorb what I’m saying. You’ve spent your whole life metaphorically eating one type of food, and we’re just trying to show you how much you’ve missed out on.

And while this might not impact you directly, we’re making a whole bunch of people felt seen. We’re bringing joy. Think of it this way. We make a lot of cards. Not every card is for you. But if it makes someone else happy, if they get to include it in a deck, and it makes Magic better for them, how is it harming you that we include it? You have so many cards that you can play.

To this poster or people that share their viewpoint, the narrative that a gain for someone else is an attack on you is just not true. As I just pointed out above, you play a game all about personal choice, about players getting to choose how they play and enjoy the game. Why should life be any different than Magic?

Thanks for reading.