#why am i so fucked up

[midwestblue]

I wish I knew how to fix myself. I just really am not likable at all. I realize venting on my public tumblr blog just makes me look worse too but I dont have people in my life to talk to abt this . loser moment

[carlinha-xx]

This life is fucked. How long can an existential crisis last? I feel like I've been in a constant state of one.

[a-realm-of-thoughts]

Thoughts. From 11/8/2023

"Run, Run for your life"

Thoughts that came up while listening to "Get Out Alive" by Three Days Grace

Running....right, as if its so easy going down that mental path that's destined to make me constantly fall in a dark and cold area. One seemingly inescapable...

Wanting to reach the end of the path to some hope of light, but then something else triggered. It wasn't the light of hope, but the eyes of a beast full of what brings the negative drive towards insanity coming to chase me down and tear me apart once more.

"Don't hide your mistakes cause they'll find you...burn you"

Mistakes are the same as failure, tears one apart with no fucking remorse...

I've felt like I've made so many, ones I can't get rid of. I feel like a mistake, like I wasn't meant to be on this forsaken planet.

[eumenisz]

having ang anxiety attack because i was late 5 minutes from a class and the door was shut and i didn't have the courage to go in because then people would have looked at me

[bradykinetics]

I'm not sad or depressed. I just don't feel like living. Should i kill myself already? Nothing in this life seems worthwhile

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[arykaddictedtosoda]

.

[lightbulb-warning]

saimatsu week day 3 not on day 3: reunion

they do be sobbing

[buckleydiazmp4]

no but the thing is. they KISSED. on screen. it was a real scene, not deleted, not removed from a script, it HAPPENED in front of the world's eyes. and AND the actors are normal about it and the whole cast and crew is normal about it and it's not vague and it's IMPORTANT. no matter the rest of it and what came after it, it happened!!

[onesidedradiostatic]

can we talk about how sir pentious was told to kill himself by vox but still decided nah I'm still gonna keep and READ stuff with his face plastered on it

[papanowo]

was looking thru the mermaid au tag on ao3 a couple months ago and realised bones is rarely the mermaid so i sought to change that

[heartorbit]

WHEEEEEE

[fanaticalthings]

Jason being the easiest kid is super funny. Bruce looking at Jason and remembering Dick at 18: “we can work through this. He’ll come around if I don’t give up on.”

Bruce, watching over a freshly street-snatched Jason: Why is he so calm

Having Dick as the rambunctious, feral, and unhinged first child must've given him SO much whiplash once Jason entered the picture. Lil guy just vibed in his own world. Just reading books and doing schoolwork. Baby Jason hurt nobody.

Bruce will just be going over the ground rules of the manor, remembering all the chaos Dick brought upon the household.

Bruce: No swinging from the chandelier.

Jason: ?? I wasn't planning to?

Bruce: No murder.

Jason: What? That never even crossed my mind-

Bruce: And please, for the love of God, don't sneak out and try to beat up the nearest criminal on our block

Jason:

Jason: WHO is responsible for these rules being created??

Bruce will just come home from a long day of work. He's tired and just wants a nice, quiet evening, but he's subconsciously psyching himself up to prepare himself for the chaos he'll witness once he enters the manor

but then Jason's just quietly doing his own thing, maybe even helping Alfred with some chores, reading, or just lounging about in the manor. In general, just causing no trouble and Bruce just turns to Alfred, all worried like, "Is he sick? I don't think children are supposed to behave this way."

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

thinkin' about Bardaby and his illusion smoke...

[andthebeanstalk]

Me: hm, I want something to put on the TV as background noise... Huh. Looks like YouTube is recommending something called The Last Unicorn. That's perfect, it's probably some old shitty animation that has aged poorly! I can watch it ironically!

Me, 2 hours later as the credits roll: *crying, cheering, buying the book, composing the songs*

Me, 2 weeks later: So I have compiled all of the quotes from the book that I think could make good tattoos, and also, HOW HAVE I NEVER LEARNED ABOUT HOW THE LAST UNICORN FUCKING SLAPS??? This gay-ass little fairytale fed my soul! Watered my crops! Transed my gender! Can't believe I heard of this story from youtube recommendations, of all places!!

[pigaletta]

Imagine going to one of the best colleges in the country for your course and you got so damaged from the experience that you need to take time to ACTUALLY HEAL FROM IT.