mysecret02

[mysecret02]

actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Happy Prid- I mean Men's Mental Health Month!

I know I am kinda late but I really wanted I am sure that such a well-known and celebrated thing which is totally being talked about would mean fictional character would get the recognition too, right? Right?

I mean I am sure nobody forgot about Dick's episodes of hallucinations and and how he was a victim of sexual assault, right?

I am also sure nobody thinks Jason's sudden mood shifts and childhood issues are just being swept under the rug, right?

Oh and Tim's broken personality and parentification are also being talked about, right?

And we know about Bruce's inability to get over his parents' murder and his need to take in orphanes but not learning to be the parent who puts their child first, right?

We talk about Alfred's emotional detachment and boundary crossings tendencies, right?

We talk about how Duke needed to continue living without ever getting closure, right?

We talk about Roy's drug problems and how hard it is to raise a little girl as a single dad, right?

Do we talk about Clark's need to fit in in a place that was never built for him and it will never get better?

Do we talk about the Steve and Bucky being suddenly dropped into another century and how they supposed to just run with it?

Do we talk about Wade and the voices and what it's like living with a narration and inner criticism without an off button?

Do we talk about Mark, Steven and Jake and how it feels to be a system, how it feels to live as a multiple?

Do we really talk about these men and their issues or are they just fanfic Ideas?

All jokes aside: These are just a few examples, but I could talk about this topic for days. I find it really unfair how we don't see more of these things. Nowadays it's getting better but I still feel the stigmatization. Without talking about it it won't get better. I know it's shameful because the past generations had treated mental health issues as something evil and something that needed to end. But there are things that don't end, things that stay doesn't matter what you want and you need to learn how to live with it. There's prejudice because there isn't enough information out there. There aren't many people that wear their issues like battle scars because these scars won't stop bleeding sometimes. I hope that in the future with more recognition we can get more help for everyone. Only one character, just one representation can give hope to a lot of people, I wish that we'd have it.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Can we please let Superman freak out because of Kon's existence?

I love all the fics that makes Kon and Jon be good brothers and I think we don't have enough. I adore Kon and I think he deserves so much more, he's such a loveable character, a real cutie.

BUT it doesn't mean that Clark doesn't deserve to have a breakdown over this kid's existence.

Like one day a kid suddenly shows up and you KNOW you didn't make that kid. You are in a commited relationship with an amazing partner, you have a good relationship with your parents, have friends (JL and otherwise), two jobs which you both love and suddenly the stable floor you were standing on crumbles.

Your biggest enemy took away your DNA, took something so extremely valuable and important and used it without your CONSENT. If you look at it like that it's like Lex mentally raped him. Now he needs to tell it to his partner whose opinion of him may change because of something he didn't even do. His best friend tells him he needs to "step up" basically, but just because he has a lot of kids, most whom he had adopted doesn't mean he want that. It's an honourable life and being a parent is a full time job. He doesn't have time for a third job.

Not to mention Clark doesn't want Kon. It's like giving someone a cat found on the street because the cat looks like them and they are good with cats and might want them in the future.

It's not fair and it's totally okay how he didn't want to get close to Kon and even how they have more of a siblings relationship in the comics later.

It's still not fair to either of them. Kon has noone and no place to go back to while being labelled dangerous and unpredictable.

Clark and him should talk. I want him to yell his true feelings and I want Kon to understand. I want Kon to yell back about everything he went through to become not just like him, but the new Superman.

I want them to talk about titles and roles and responsibilities and trying to understand themselves through each other because they are the last ones of a now dead civilization trying to protect another one that tries to desperately destroy itself.

So yes I want Clark to crash out and I want this forced politeness to disappear. Am I the only one thinking it stinks falseness?

I appreciate both characters but I want to see how they do with someone that isn't weaker than them. Let's give their relationship a chance to become something beautiful or horrible, to flourish or perish. Let it be true.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Quick Idea: Steve Rodgers freaking out because he hears a kid waiting for his sick mother. He doesn't know that since the 60's that illness is curable and gets really sad because he thinks the kid doesn't know his mom will die.

He had seen a kid before waiting for his mom with the same illness, waiting until there wasn't anything to wait for.

Few months, maybe a year later he learns that it isn't deadly or even dangerous anymore. He bursts into tears and Sam is really concerned until he explains this misunderstanding.

They search up a few documentaries about the biggest medical changes since the 40's and he makes sure Steve is following verified online doctors, just in case. Steve religiously watches the new uploads every night before bed. Maybe one day this knowledge will make a difference.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Bruce forgot to send the adoption papers.

So it takes place after Damian had been in Gotham for a little bit and Jason has been officially brought back.

Damian's appearance really makes the headlines and everybody is trying to figure out when was he "made".

At one of the charity galas a reporter is making an interview with the Wayne kids and asks:

"So Richard, a lot of the readers are curious looking at the ages here: Damian has been born not long after you have became the ward of our favourite billionaire Brucie Wayne, I must ask: Have you not been adopted because Bruce has already known he had a hier at the time? If so why did Jason become adopted? Could you answer the questions please?"

And Bruce is standing behind them with an utterly confused expression, than thinking and surprised Pikachu face.

The other kids didn't even know Dick wasn't adopted. Jason starts to cry to take away the attention from Dick and calls the interviewer cruel. Damian is only being held back by Cass so he doesn't kill the guy. Duke questions why would he say such things about his big bro. The others have different types of exasperated expression on. Dick is red faced and tries to play it down.

Bruce calls Alfred and gets everyone in the car ASAP. He is being yelled at and questioned all the way to the manor. He wanted to adopt Dick on his 10th birthday. He made a nice photo album about the Graysons and put the adoption papers in an envelope written "Happy birthday chum!" on it. There was an electrical fire in his old office where he hid his present and everything that was in it had been put up in the attic but then there was that Arkham breakout and issues with the roof and he argued with Dick because "YOU ARE NOT MY REAL DAD" and the boxes are not even in the attic and he only wanted to tell his lawyers after Dick said yes. God he forgot to even send the draft! Where are those pesky little boxes?

B: ALFRED! Where are the boxes?

A: If I may ask what kind of boxes?

B: The ones with the things from the, the things from . You know there was that electrical fire and...

Alfred gets the boxes while the kids all try to save the situation and invite Dick to family night, even Jason says he would stay and play Monopoly and they all glare daggers in the direction where Bruce had run off.

Dick is a bit shaken by all of the care they seem to hold towards him. He thought they knew, they just didn't say it. He gently turns them down and goes to take a shower.

Bruce gets the box and runs with it. He barges in Dick's room and doesn't even care about his kid being half naked. He dumps the contents of the box onto the floor "Bruce what are you...?"

The album is still there with the envelope and Bruce gives it to Dick and they cry and hug and look at the pictures. Bruce asks to adopt him and officially even if he's already an adult technically. Dick says yes and they go to the moping siblings whom have collected in the kitchen like stuck together pages.

They watch a movie on the couch, Bruce holds as many of his children as he can, the other on the furniture around him, his arms around his Dickie, just when he was a little kid.

The next day they announce his adoption and give a private interview about the happenings.

Now there's a meme going around the internet with all the Batkids at the gala and Bruce in the background with the caption: 'Oh shit, did I forget to adopt my kid?!?' description.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Jason Todd idea.

He had been „dead” at the beginning of 2000’s. I like to think he was the kind who still used phoneboots to call Alfred ont he landline once he accidentally left his phone home.   

With this information and with the knowledge that most proggrames like Word or PowerPoint got new updates around the end of 80’s, beginning of 90’s or so I can imagine Little!Jay writing period-drama fanfiction on a REALLY old wersion of Word.

And I just see him needing to juggle studying, social-life and being Robin, sometimes even going to places with Bruce and being „kidnapped” for a weekend by an overly affectionate Dick who wanted to show off his little brother even if he wasn’t sure of their bond yet and sometimes felt resentful towards him. On those occcasions specially he took him for a weekend, just plucked him up from the pavement in fron of Gotham Academy and even though Jay protested because he „still has homework to do”, he actually found it so cool that his big brother came for him on a motorbike.

So because of these circumstances he started to record himself reading his favourite books or songs he liked ont he radio and put them on casettas. If he had left some at Dick’s place and Dick had found them and couldn’t stop listening to his dead baby brother’s voice articulatedly telling him about handsome ladies and gentlemen falling in love and he was crying with his little brother at the happy end, well nobody needed to know.

Time went by, Jay came back to life, got thrown into the pit, started training with the All-Caste, than with different teachers all around the world. He didn’t really have time nor did he pay any attention to the new things. Obviously Talia sent him to study about programming and stealing information but that didn’t really include mobility aid programms or „how to download music”.

After his bloddy Red Hood arc and with the truce with the Bats he started to look back into his old hobbies. It’s around 2010’s by this point . He went to an electronics shop and the guy at the counter could’t even give him a walkman OR a disckman for that metter. Everybody was trying to sell him USB drives because „that’s the future”. It had been so awkward he gave up, until he saw his old walkman at Dick’s bedside table. The evil thief even put blue batstickers on it! Naturally he took it back because that was rightfully his, he got it as a present from B for his secound Christmas at the manor.

All hell broke loose.

Dick yelled at Slade and Bruce, accused the old Titans of cruelly pranking him, sobbed to Clark over the phone until he came over ehrn Dick worked himself into an anxiety/panic attack.

Unbeknowns to this Jay tried to get clean casettes so he could record the new books he found while travelling. And where did he know they had those things? In the cave, he remembered hiding some behind a stack of files so he went to get them.

The next night when he thought nobody would be there he went tot he cave and run into a sad moping Dick who has been told by Bruce he must have misplaced his walkman and he will not be let out on patir in his near frantic condition.

They run into each other and „OMG why would you scratch up my sticker!? I got that from Wally” „ME? Excuse me you FUCKING THIEF!” They start arguing and fighting for it, when Oracle checks the Cave cameras she sees two angry vigilantes yelling at each other while wrestling ont he floor:

D: Give it BACK!

J: These are MINE! Record your own you filthy thief!

D: I’m not a thief, you LEFT it at my place!

J: OH YEAH! Then now I’m taking it BACK!

D: NO! Bruce said I could keep it!

J: Bruce can SUCK MY-

O: Guy, what are you doing?

At the same time: „He took away my walkman!”

J: Of course I took it BACK! Do you know how long it takes to record these???

D: But you can just download the audiobooks! Why do you act as if you didn’t have the money for it!

J: BECAUSE I- what? What are you talking about?

O: *long sigh* You two are both idiot.

The three of them spend the night at the Watchtower. They bicker and yell and there’s popcorn everywhere while they try to teach Jason how to use smartphones in the smart way. They show him how to use text-to-audio converters, QCR programmes and how to download audiobooks. Jay is very pleased with his new knowledge and Dick gets to keep the old casettes with the walkman in exchange for Dick and Barbara’s help with no laughing at him if he needs something with technology.

By the time the Sun comes up they all passed out, Babs being ont he couch and Dick and Jason sleeping ont he foor with the couch pillows. Jason started hogging the blanket and Dick is hogging Jason’s right arm.

It doesn’t solve everything, Jason negotiates Dick with the casettes he still has at the manor when he wants something and Babs blackmails Jason with the photos of him and Dick sleeping together while Jason periodically bothers Barbara for new updates for his book-programmes(there’s a folder on his phone with this name). But it’s nice, the dynamic between the three of them has changed but they know now for sure they can still count on each other.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Here's a rant from me.

I had the misfortune of seeing parts from the new comic featuring Jason Todd as Robin and oh boy, do I have opinions!

Let's start at the beginning which in chronological order is Jason's original run. He has been portrayed as someone who seeks a different life and thrives in the new environment. He wasn't perfect in any way, like we are talking about a highly traumatized 12 year old, of course he made mistakes, he cried, he got angry, he couldn't control the full range of his emotions, but he did his best with what he got and all he really needed was love, it's so well written in his eulogy, if you have the time you should check it out.

Now let's take a look at the new comic. I would like to say it's a mischaracterisation but at this point I don't think DC writers would know what a person's character means even if it'd hit them in the face like Stephanie Brown with a brick.

At the moment I'm thinking this whole comic might be a twisted version of Jason's memories after all that head trauma and manipulation but if it's not I... I don't even know what to say.

Jason Todd wasn't a bad person, he wasn't a weapon, he wasn't meant to be evil, doesn't matter what DC wants us to think. They only try to make him an irredeemable character so they can justify the abuse the "Batfamily" makes him go through. The writers take away his depth of character so he will be reduced to a simple villain, born evil, but no villain has ever born evil, if there's anything the Batman animated series taught and made people believe in is this: we are all just people. Not good or evil, that's what Batman is supposed to stand for. He is the only hero I know about who firmly believes people can change, anybody is capable of doing good, he even gave Harley a chance after everything in the Harley Quinn series.

This kind of treatment what they had done with Jason ereases the character's good and I can't even think about the people who have read about Jason back when his issue was running, can't bare to think about the kids and the possibility of this comic one day being some unsuspecting child's first one.

I'm not only sad because they can think of a child being born wrong but because I know so many people, partially Christian people, who Jason had been as much as I know, would entertain this idea because of the "needing to accept Jesus" part, because according to the church people are born guilty, so Jason being lost and thinking badly about himself wouldn't be too surprising to me.

My surprise comes with the other characters around him. As we all know it doesn't matter if Jason is alive or not he will always haunt the narrative in a way.

So for me seeing so many posts in the last few days about people starting to treat Alfred as an enabler and calling out Bruce for the way he behaves, as if Jason has been a sudden, impulse purchase of a pair of shoes at the mall and now he couldn't decide if he wants to keep it or not.

Children are not playthings you can take back on the shelf once you don't want to play with it anymore. They aren't meant to fight the adults' war. They aren't meant to feel replaceable, unlovable, treated like a monster you need to be afraid of. You can't just change someone's life than decide it has became too much trouble. How would you know how much trouble a life is worth?

How would Batman, who has never given up on saving someone not know how much trouble a life is worth? He has helped Dick before and the two aren't the same but saying Jason isn't worth it at the beginning after training Dick for so long makes it incredibly hypocritical.

It also highlights the character's flaws in this comic and the real inaccountability that's happening there. It's like a twisted, darker version of all of the characters. It's disturbing because it's so similar to abusive homes like in the Melanie Martinez song Dollhouse : "please don't let them look through the curtains!".

It really shows how abuse happens and how without guidance and healing someone's whole inner world can be shaped differently, leaving painful reminders on the soul like bloodstained on the walls.

Are we still talking about comics? Are we talking about systems failing the ones in need? Am I talking about today's society being reflected in the art we make? Yes, I do. I hope many more will.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Today I bring you Jason Todd and presents 🎁💝!

(Don't get your hopes up it's just a nice way of saying this will hurt.)

So little!Jason gets adopted and Alfred puts things in his bathroom and a care package on his bed, like the ones you can see in hotels or fancy rich-girl type restocking videos.

Jason doesn't know what to do with it so he doesn't do anything with it. He puts the package with the cute knitted plush figure (amigurumi) and chocolate and hand towels on the chair in the corner of the room, not his room, just room, suspiciously close to Bruce's, suspiciously in the family wing, and pointedly ignores the urge to curle up around the little fox plushie.

He keeps it there and he opens the drawers in the bathroom, which is even bigger than the one he has seen on a field trip to Metropolis, and sees a bunch of skin care products and toothbrushes and toothpastes in different flavours and there are different types of shampoos and body scrubs and hand creams and pre-tootpasted toothbrushes???

He is floored and thinks it must be because he was put in a guest room, he remembers Catherine cleaning guest rooms in a hotel and not having anyone to take care of Jason while she worked she took him with her, he had seen similarly folded towels there and those things are for guests like family friends, Bruce's and Dick's friends.

Therefore he doesn't touch them and tries to use as little of the ones that are put out as possible. When he runs out of shampoo he rather uses hand soap, he doesn't really use that one really often, there are more in the school or he can wash his hands in the kitchen when he helps Alfred so he has much more hand soap than needed.

On some rare days when it gets too much and he feels too dirty and he needs to, he scrubs his hands clean in hot water because Bruce would rather have have him clean by using a bit more soap than being filthy, right? Those nights he gets his knuckles bleeding in his Robin gloves, he feels guilty after for using too much soap and making Robin dirty so he doesn't do it often, tries to limit it to once a month, than later forgets for long periods of times and thinks back sheepishly on it when he gets 13 and he changes gloves for the best.

So he doesn't touch them, unbeknownst to him Alfred changes them weekly, maybe he will find a brand Jason might like, going over every brand Dick or Bruce had used as kids, even going as far to buy some off brand toothpaste in a 24/7 shop close to the Alley, Jason doesn't even notice, only rarely opening the drawers, just to look, not to use, just until he hears another noise and slams them shut, running back to his bed, products staying unused.

Then he gets invited to a slumber party for one of the Gotham Academy boys' birthday. The invitation comes in the mail, he never even talked to the boy who's birthday it's going to be, doesn't know what these people like but Bruce knows the parents wanted a painting from him, it's an expensive one of a kind painting, but his little Jaylad looks so excited he doesn't even think twice about giving away the painting.

Jason gets there and every guest gets a guest room, the real friends of the boy share a bedroom and build pillow forts though so Jason and another boy is left to themselves. They aren't aquanticed but they try and look the part, both looking uncomfortable and out of place. Turns out the other boy is actually nice and they talk about classes and teachers and the boy draws so he knows about different kinds of pencils, which confuses Jay but he lets it slide so he can hear about the boy's science project partner Rena, she seems nice and smart, he likes to listen to the other boy's talk about her.

Later the other other boys start to play video games but they don't have more consoles so Jay and the now-friendshaped boy goes to adventure around the huge mansion, after dark even going as far to play dark hide and seek in the foyer. They don't even notice how time went by, only when they go back do they notice the noise.

The whole corridor to the rooms is wet with footprints and the top of the staircase is shiny and slippery. They carefully step over puddles that seem to be in the carpet??? and get to the birthday boy's room. It isn't closed so they peek in.

There's soap and water everywhere, in the middle bored boys are pouring soap and shower gel on the carpet from the plastic travel sized tubes they got in the guest room packages. The full-length curtains are soaking on the floor and there's water on the sofa which the boys are sitting on. In wet clothes hitting each other with towels and there are more open packages on the carpet and Jay suddenly can't breathe.

Black dots and dark rainbows are dancing in his peripheral, so many soap, he could have lived on it for like two months and they just throw them on the floor, one boy is sliding on his stomach and Jay can't help but laugh, ugly and high and uncontrollable, then he sees red.

He doesn't remember much of the night from then on but he was yelling at them, head red and blochy with angry tears and he was just 12 and the boys had put soap in his and the other kid's bed so they couldn't sleep there, the other boy slipped and his parents took him to the hospital with their nice car and he heard they were suing the birthday boy's parents but he didn't talk to him much more, he felt so ashamed for all the things he had said that night.

The boys called him party-pooper and cry-baby for the rest of the year and even if they got in the same class as him later, some going as far as leaving opened travel sized things on top of his locker so it would soak everything inside, Jay was already soaking inside, his little heart not understanding how some people can be so cruel and not caring, even his mom cared, even at her worst, she held his hand.

When Alfred took him home, his upset couldn't be kept, he told everything and Alfred made sure he knew he could use the things in his room and bedroom because they were there for him and no what those boys did weren't good, he should go to him if he has any doubts, yes they can make scones now.

Alfred has explained to him how he doesn't have to pay for a gift but it also doesn't mean he should waste it. Later he still freaks out and breaks down when Bruce buys him something especially expensive things that has no other purpose than bringing joy, which always makes Bruce's smile tighten and promise to give him anything, he just needs to ask for it.

Later when he crawls out of the rubble with a sluggishly bleeding neck wound he remembers: he didn't want Bruce to kill the Joker, he wanted him to kill the joker for him, but you can't ask for a present or it loses it's meaning and he chuckles, a sound of soul-deep sadness and later cries in an empty safehouse.

He knows what he will do. He will present himself to the Alley so they can know: not everything needs to cost, it can be given and it can be good, he can be good, not wasted.

He only thinks back on this once, when he shoots one of the birthday boy's friends for illegal activities.

[mysecret02]

REBLOG POSTS❗❗ COMMENT ON FICS❗❗COMPLIMENT FANART ❗❗LEAVE LITTLE NOTES IN THE TAGS❗❗ BOOKMARK FICS YOU LIKE❗❗ TELL AUTHORS WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT THEIR FICS❗❗COMMENT ON DECADE OLD FICS ❗❗ADD YOUR OWN ANALYSIS IN LONG POSTS❗❗ENGAGE❗❗ INTERACT❗❗ BUILD A COMMUNITY ❗❗

While people don't post for engagement, it certainly doesn't do any harm..

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

We are sitting on a pile of emotional trauma around little and big Jason Todd alike like dragons guarding ancient treasure and I see the golden potential shining like the Batsignal 🌟

So little Jason first being insecure and not knowing what to do about all of the changes because everything happened so fast.

One day he was dumpster diving for thrown away Batburger morning menus and the next he was served the best omelette of his life with little green leaves on it, then he was at a boarding school eating tasteless pieces of bread, than running and than back at the Manor for some pouched eggs.

It was all too much, then he started to train for Robin and changed schools again and everything was so new and shiny.

He just didn't fit. And he heard about Dick. Shiny, perfect golden boy, having many friends, surrounded by superheroes and seeming like the perfect one to mentor and teach him, a person who might understand, who might be the only one who can understand what he went through and he hoped to meet him, excitedly waited for his arrival, not even noticing Bruce's cloudy expressions or Alfred's gentle nudges in the conversation about Dickie. He called him Dickie because he will be like his big brother and it's new and scary but maybe he will be the key to understand his new life, looking like his is already perfect and all.

Then Dick came home -and OMG is that a motorbike? With the jacket and all? Is this how he bagged an alien princess? Will he tell that story? Did they meet in SPACE?- and he had seen Jason and his expressionless face has turned sour, like looking at an ugly bug with pity and hate and not understanding what this thing does inside of the house.

Then came all the shouting and fighting and Dick had stormed out just as fast as he appeared, he was gone, shattering every dream in little Jay's heart. And it happened again and again and again. Hearing all the arguments and knowing he was the reason just made him feel more guilty than he already was for living in a good place now while others he knew from the streets, who still scramble for the best bins in the park didn't even get a chance.

He was grateful for all he had and later he started to try and enjoy studying and met Rena, fallen in love, things have seen to be nice for the first time in his short life.

But things has a way of getting ruined, like metal oxidation if you let the material sit for long without maintenance it will get weaker and flimsier, mental health becomes just as breakable and holes can appear, then it will break...down.

He didn't want to tell Bruce about the flashbacks and how his hands were shaking and sometimes he forgot to breathe, he didn't want to acknowledge or admit he had them, he didn't want to see Willis hitting his mom again, blonde hair falling in the air and he was hitting a would be rapist harder than he ever did. He didn't want to tell because he wasn't there anymore and everything was just fine dot.

It all came to an end with the Gonzales case and his biological father's death news and there was school and Robin and training and cases and Dick finally started spending time with him and his girlfriend hated him but that was fine because he took Robin without asking and the new nightmare and then his birth certificate came into the picture and it was the only thing he could cling to, his only hope, maybe it will grant him something, anything he can hold and focus on so he doesn't need to think about...everything else.

And the he had died, it's ironic how Bruce had denied him as his son and has choose someone/something else two times and his third choice ended in the death of a life, so much like Judas. Did Jay think about God or Heaven or Hell in his last moment? Did he see her mother's hair from her lap as she cradled his face after Willis had slapped the door closed? Who knows.

So he came back with his last memory of betrayal and being unloved in his death. He came back with all of this and more head trauma by crowbar. He was walking around with nothing but his survival instinct and those who thought had known him before, no they didn't, it wasn't worth the trouble of getting involved.

Then came Thalia. She picked him up, helped him train, introduced him his little brother and it almost looked like he was getting better, playing with baby Damian and even twitchin for certain words sometimes, getting out of the mental for only enough time to see something nice, a smile from a small human and a beautiful garden, spices he knew from somewhere and ones he didn't, the way the blanket felt on his shoulders as sometimes he clung to it in training all day, in the end only holding cut and burnt pieces still swaddling a crying Damian in it, not letting others harm his, his what? Doesn't matter, it was his and he protected with everything he had.

Then came Ra's and his threats of disposing Jay so Thalia had put him in the pit out of desperation.

What followed was two people doing things for love. Desperate, messy, full of losses and unsatisfactory results. Jay couldn't detonate, so he went on to fester his hate that had came from manipulative misinformation, forgetting what was him at his base, a hero, how sad noone who it would have mattered to could see it.

He was mad at Tim for taking what had been given to him by Dick and mad at Bruce for not noticing and not helping. He learned how to make the Pit's voice less obvious, just a whisper, but it came with a cost, he was mentally back to the point he had died at and it wasn't a good point.

So he started Crime Lording, got busy, made plans, used up all his energy so he wouldn't have time to cry alone at night, clung to his old love of disappearing into books, even now that he couldn't concentrate on the plot for long enough to really enjoy.

He had taken Nightwing, the mantle and had yelled at Bruce, night after night, the fights were vicious. He had also hated Tim for taking what was his, something that meant the last of his memory and started it again, like a broken cassette player, only playing one song forever and he hated Bruce for it, because he was the one who put the cassette back again scrolling it back to the beginning. He had done how Dick had done things - even got a cool jacket and became friends with other heroes like Kori and Roy, Dick couldn't say it was bad because it was Kori, you know? Just like before- yet now Dick was weary of him, keeping his distance, and Bruce didn't wait for him to get Home and all the other Bats seemed so nice together, playing rooftop tag and subway hopping with Dickie and it wasn't his Dickie and it didn't matter how much he was misbehaving or if he hadn't killed anymore because at the end nobody was wanting him, nobody was waiting for him, he was totally alone, again, and maybe it would be better if he could just stop this but he became so obsessed with the "Batfamily", he wanted to be a part of but didn't think he was good like the new kids and couldn't think the same way they did and he was doing things alone for himself and to make the place he had grown up at better because HE choose to do us, then why couldn't he stop looking back behind his back , hoping to see someone brave enough to annoy him on his turf just like he did with Dickie and he watches the new one's first time subway hopping and when he is bleeding alone he spares a second, waiting for someone to call his name in his ear "Robin" he hopes deeply but only ever thinks about Jason or Jay lad or rarely Little Wing. How he talkes sometimes his mic being muted and doesn't get an answer, never any answers, just him and his distraction-obsession causing him to feel like losing his mind in need to connect yet nobody chackes if he gets back safe and nobody expects him at Home. He can act out all he wants he will never get the love he needs from the Bats, yet he can't give up, in the end he is Just like Catherine and Willis with his hard punches and soft ways as he cradeles the Ally kids when saving them.

He is so much better than that. Maybe one day Cass will look at him and tell what he had been thinking for a long while. After a successful mission where he got yelled at for being too rough while saving a little girl:"You should leave.", no anger, no resentment, just truth. "I know, but I am not like them, I don't abandon mine." And he stays because now he wants to, he will help the people he can and don't hope to be part of "them"(deregratory) again.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Jason choosing guns because he knows their weight.

TW: dark topics ahead, read with caution!!!

Jason Todd tried to commit suicide not long after he got adopted by Bruce. It wasn't because he was in a bad situation anymore, but he was more like tired, like bone-deep tiredness that only settles really in after the danger had passed.

He thought about his acceptance into Gotham Academy and thought back on Ma Gunn's and the public school in the city he used to attend.

He missed the libraries and the nice librarian with half-round glasses and the other blonde one with that weird skirt with the cross patterns.

He thought back of school fights and when he found a sandwich only taken one bite out of and yelled "Jackpot!" to noone, than cried not even liking the taste that much.

He thought about his dad, when he bought home take out when he got paid well and his mom smiling and asking him to bring his red race car patterned plastic plate to the big table where adults sat. And the times he was waiting for his dad to come home but knowing it was a bad night from the jiggles of the keys, then the yells and crashes from his parents' room.

He mused on how Dick would be like and if he will get friends Dick supposedly spends most of his time.

He barely hopped on the thought pattern of those who lost the chance of the chain of thought that would lead to believing in a future.

He thought of the blade he stole from an older boy at Ma Gunn's and how he collected a rope from the cave and he got a whole surgical knife and some bottles from the back of the infirmary.

He choose the gun. He had known how to use it, his dad thought it was neccessery knowledge , he taught him all his neccessery knowledge, it didn't matter if he wanted it or not, wanted to know about how every women was a sl@t and how he wasn't man enough for reading books.

He thought it was time. He had lived enough. He would be happy dying this way. He finally got happy. It's time to end it. The future is scary and the past is horrifying and the present sits like an island in the middle of the ocean, he doesn't wait to be washed away under the waves again.

Nobody would care if he died today because nobody got to know him fully because he can't ever be himself fully because that makes others sad and he must lie he is okay when he is not.

He got the gun ready and got it to his head and his hands were shaking and there was music because he wanted to listen to music and he just got the gun some time while walking around the huge house with walkman in hand, then the straps of the airgun in the other.

He was so ready. Then he couldn't breathe anymore, everything hurt and he couldn't breathe and nobody cared and nobody really liked him because nobody really knew him and he didn't know if he could even tell everything to someone, he couldn't, he couldn't, his old friends would be over it soon and probably Bruce and Willis too, Mr.Wayne can get another kid if he wants and he still had Dick and Willis, where's Willis now? He didn't know, he was shaking and oh God Alfred, he will die, he can't breathe and he took the gun to his head and clicked the safety and fired.

And the end of the gun was so cold, so so cold and his shoulder has hit the closet door and....he forgot to load it, he wanted to but then not then he just took the gun and run up.

It was caos, he could barely breathe and tried to focus on the beat and somehow got the gun back to it's original place. He was pacing the manor like a ghost, walking around, existing outside of time and place and thoughts.

Mr.Pennyworth came home from the monthly grocery shopping. They met, he went to sleep, he doesn't know what they had talked about or how long it lasted, he just helped bring in some stuff and disappeared just like he wanted before.

He remembers the date. Years had passed and he still feels weird on that date. He has a bad memory of dates but he can't forget that one. It's not even relevant because nothing had happened, really, it's just somehow shaking every year.

Not many know he tried to do something, that day he got rid of everything he had collected for it. Those who know were never really close to him, just came and gone. For a while after he lost his belief because those like him will go to Hell and then he will never meet his mama again because he did something very bad. Now he knew things didn't work like that, but for a while he believed even if he dies as Robin he will never get to Heaven so he tried to help others so they could get there, to a nice place where his mama is. He considers telling someone this year. Maybe it's better to keep it a secret, not to touch unless needed. But it's interesting because it's the first year he doesn't want to welcome death on this day. He wishes to live. Not exist, not survive, but to be selfish and live.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

I have seen a post somewhere on Tumblr about RH!Jason meeting Robin!Jason and surprisingly liking him so I must comment on the idea.

So the batfamily trying to hide little Robin so he won't meet Red Hood but RH didn't tell them that he would be in the cave because he was there to steal supplies, which would have been given to him if he would do as much of asking, but he's still on and off with the bats so he just collects new antidotes and gadgets which were left outside- meaning weren't locked in impenetrable lockers- every month. Barbara was at the Clocktower as it became her place to lead the bats around from so the cave was free game to Jason.

The batmobile arrives and little Jay jumps out before anyone could stop him. He starts to look around and wander in awe of how much has changed and how much has stayed the same. I like to think the house got remodeled few years after him meeting his unfortunate and temporary end but the cave barely changed only got modernized and new rooms got added.

So he is in the back stealing a blanket he found comfortable- they have more anyways so it's not like B couldn't get a new one, just like he got a new kid- he thinks bitterly and starts to go back to the main area stuffing the blanket in his bag on the way when he hears the tires on the cave ground and just stops.

He sees the black haired little boy in a Robin costume and thinks he really needs to get Dick to talk to Bruce because it's getting out of hand. Damian was one thing but a new one and so soon, that's a lot messed up.

But then Robin!Damian gets out of the car and it doesn't make any sense anymore. The new kid didn't seem like a match to Damien in physich and the little demon didn't try to kill him so maybe another bastard?

Alfred appears and the new kid happily runs to him and yells about some time and universe twists? "Like that pastry you like to make on Sundays! Can I have it, can I have it pleese🥺?" and others start to gather around, parking their vehicles and fast walking towards the boy.

Spoiler gets to him first and ruffles his hair earning a yelp and an adorable blush as the boy fidgets with the seam of his cape, it's a familiar motion, he used to do it when he was still... Robin.

He just stands there, frozen in time, ice crawling in his veins, his ears are ringing and he holds the zip on the bag half-made, watching as his family loves him, that boy right in front of them and he wants to yell "But I am right here!" and "Why can't you love me if you can love me-him?!" but he can't, he is so mad yet he just stands there watching as Cass calls him her little brother and the kid lookes up at Damian with sparkling eyes of a kid who suddenly has a sibling his age so he won't ever need to play alone. Dick looks at him as if the world gave him hope after showing him everything bad in it. Steph just calls him cute continuously and he shouldn't be jealous of being called cute but he always liked when someone complimented him or just cared enough to say something nice, that's partially why he tried to get Batman to smile. It was his new dad and his greatest achievement was making his caretaker happy like he never could before because his mom was too deep in addiction and dad needed to work a lot for two-face so they could pay rent until B said he wasn't his son anymore, then everything went downhill.

He wants to back away, he can wait in the medical wing or sneak out through the cave systems. And as his boots scraped the ground little Jay looked straight at him. His mask wasn't on anymore, his blue eyes, a shade he can't see in the mirror anymore, looking curious, interest clearly peeked as everyone else noticed it too.

Worried and pale looks were switching between the faces. The voices died down, the silence was deafening, his breathing starting again but being too erratic.

Bruce tried to put his hand on little Jay's shoulder but he slipped away and walked closer to Red Hood. He wasn't wearing his helmet but he was wearing his full uniform sans the guns, he didn't like making Alfie mad, who was watching the scene unfold with shiny eyes.

They met in the middle and when did he start walking? He looked at the small child wearing his favourite Wonder Woman socks B always scolded them because a small seam was showing. His unruly black curls with barely showing red roots because he wanted to look like Dickie and no sign of white at the front. He still had a crooked teeth Barbara sat him down and explained how much it can make chewing painful in the future and made sure Alfie took him to the dentist's.

More and more little signs showing up on his small form, his little mannerisms, the way he played with his fingers and the seams of his costume and he couldn't be mad at this child, he was just a kid doing his best. And Red Hood notorious crime lord and protector of Crime Alley had a reputation for having a soft spot for kids.

He got down on his knees -and God the kid was small-not much bigger than him on his knees and hugged the kid. He cradled his hand through his thick curls like he rememberd his mom doing it and pulling him sideways on his lap, little Jay's head being on his armored jacket. He heard a tentative whisper: "You look big like dad...-he buried his face in his neck-but you love me..?"

It made him smile in a bitter but comfortable way as he hugged himself closer and somehow they got on the couch in the library with the blanket on little Jay's shoulder and partially on Jason's own, reading to himself on the voice of his dad he always hated after the pit and finding it not that bad anymore, he could bring comfort even looking like this, maybe being this way wasn't so bad, if only for little Jay. They stayed like that until the other universe's Batman came to collect his little bird and bring him home. Maybe it was enough to have changed things there. Maybe.

The family feltdumb folded and monitored the interactions between the two Jasons but there was nothing out of the ordinary, no long lasting physical damage to be seen. Just one soul and two stories interlining and mixing, maybe it can change the future here too." Maybe" thought Bruce and put the blanket on a sleeping Red Hood, his son.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

This idea had been stuck in my head for nearly a year now. It has a whole backstory I don't have energy for right now but I needed to get this one out of my system because I have read too much Jason Todd angst and he deserves better, he deserves to be comfortable and safe with someone who stays.

Jason calling Harvey daddy. Not because of irony, neither of a prank or a k!nk or for a bet. It just fits. When they moved together it all just started as moving into somewhere safe, to not bleed out alone at night. Now it's something very special for the both of them. Then came the time Harls came home and the Batfam was stalking. It changed everything. When they were home they played a life they couldn't get normally. It just made them happy. Playing happiness couldn't be bad, right? Even if it was, life owed them this much. And when he placed Jay on his chest while watching him breath, still in that ridiculous apron, just being there, no nosy bat needed to see, yet one nodded a silent approval and went on it's way into the night.

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

I have found the fic I have been looking for but I found a not-ao3 ao3? Like it looks like it but it definitely isn't. Is it some other version or something? I have seen it before but it doesn't work on my electric anymore. What is this? Here is the non-ao3 and normal ao3 link:

http://insecure.archiveofourown.org/series/3027066

https://archiveofourown.org/series/3027066

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

I have searched ao3 and couldn't find this fic so I put my last hope in Tumblr.

It's a mostly Jason Todd centric fic I have read like a year ago last but I have read it sometimes before too I just don't remember when I read it first, the big issues being: Who's Jason Todd? and Who will inherit the cowl?

It's a lot of batfamily confusion with detective Tim about the similarities between Jason and Bruce. Why? Because both of them are systems, like operating as multiples, that's how they separate their hero identity.

The family is baffled by this and tries to understand while Jason muses about Robin's death, which in his head was the death of an alter.

It was really unusual and amusing fic. If someone knows what I am talking about please comment the name of the author and the name of the fic.

Also it was part of a sadly unfinished series if it helps.

I have put as much in the tags as I remember.

Edit: there was a scene were Jason tried to explain how he wasn't Robin anymore and Bruce just said he was his son 😭.

Also it all started with someone asking Jason if he had seen Bruce but he told he hasn't and the other were calling bull but he said that he had seen Batman not Bruce.

[mysecret02]

Ooh The Washy Creature has appeared again. ❤️ I have seen it so much it's time to reblog.

Remember lovelies brushing sometimes is better than never brushing, Washy Creature will be proud of you!🥰

daily creature #1076: angel of clean teeth

[mysecret02]

Hello lovelies!

Trapeze artists Dick and Jason.

Just imagine Haley's used to be about two families marrying together due to financial reasons but over time other issues started to rise and a generation and reaching European fame later they separate again.

Both keep the name because it's already famous and start touring on different sides of the continent.

The Haley's with the Grayson family becomes much more famous and starts touring around the world while the other Haley's stays mostly in Europe or Middle-East.

Generations are passing by and not many remembers the connection anymore, those who do only use it for marketing purposes so when the Graysons die Bruce doesn't even think about looking into the rumour about things hundred years ago.

Even if they were true the two Circuses haven't interacted in many years so it wouldn't be relevant and maybe he really wants to keep little Dickie.

Then comes the Court of Owls and nothing leads back to the other Circus in Europe because the deal was made after the separation.

Then one time Dick needs to go undercover, maybe agent 37, but the point is that he sees the other Haley's and after the mission he goes back in hopes of seeing the place he considered his home and what he didn't have anymore.

Maybe it's self-blame or curiousity that leads him to the show but he sees it and it has a very different program so he gets a bit sad, maybe it's better this way, until the trapeze artist comes on and it's nearly the same routine.

He watches intently and feeling just like a kid when he used to see his father practice his part alone than.... there's nothing, there's no part for two people.

His heart aches because he can't stop seeing the part where her mother would have jumped and caught his father's hands with love and admiration on her beautiful face.

Maybe that's why he went to find the artist. He walked through the river of people he so enjoyed getting lost in, stopping to give a pat to the friendly elephant on the way to the back.

He asked about the show and turns out they only had one trapeze artist and the trapeze. The artist wants to teacher a young couple who were brought up in the Circus and would like to take over, but they would need a pair to safely show them how to do so.

Dick wants to help but doesn't know how to. Pairs need to work together for years and trust or at least know eachother's moves and style, he couldn't do it with the old artist. There isn't anyone who would know the routines, it was only him, his mum and dad, and Jason.

Jason. He had taught him when he had given him Robin. Robin meant his family and he wanted to fly with his family again so he taught his first little brother and Jason wanted to be able to do it so much, he wanted Dick's approval so deeply he practiced until they could move in sync and do it together.

That night his fingers hover over the call button, than around three he makes the call.

Jason doesn't understand why he needs to go to some small European city where even the trains don't stop but begrudgingly agrees to go just because Dick rarely asks for help.

Two days later he stands in front of a Circus tent? and suddenly sees Dick in a God awful uniform, like it's really horrible, showing nearly everything.

After Dick explains everything -no the clothes are absolutely unexplainable and is it really neccessery?- he is floored. He travelled to the middle of nowhere so Dickie could play pretend with him, again?

-Pray tell, why can't the pretender do it?

-Because he doesn't know do routine.

-Why? Didn't you teach the new birdies how to fly?

Silence.

- It was a family tradition, to teach the younger ones. After failing Robin, failing my little brother I couldn't do it again.

And Jason is a weak man to those puppy dog eyes, even if it's a twisted kind of logic and Dick is nearly thirty, he couldn't say no.

So they start to practice again. They spend most of their time on the trapezes, when they don't practice they argue or talk to the people of the Circus.

Dick seems to be happy and Jason really enjoys getting to know all the culture and traditions braided into each other from all around the Globe.

After a few weeks they start to train the new couple. It's harder for first timers but they are learning fast and Dick and Jason gets closer to each other, finally talking instead of shooting and not having the place to run away for a long time it gets easier.

The night before the couple's debut they both find their ways to the training ground, Dick frantically checking the ropes and trying to make them strudier, trying to rewrite history, Jason worrying about his big brother who has given him something special.

They make the routine a final time. As the light shines on them being in the otherwise dark tent Dick can imagine how it was doing the same jumps with his family, now two decades later doing the same thing.

He can feel the faint smell of popcorn and dust and leather with chalk. He can hear the breaths breaking and faintly see someone cover their eyes in the coat of their loved one, feel the grip on the tape on the metal bar and he jumps.

He is flying again, it's different than on rooftops, it's a different kind of adrenaline and freedom, it's his life, it's what he had shared with a smiling little kid who was so happy to be considered part of the family, the same smile looking at him now and opening his hands to safely catch him.

The next night the new couple shows up on the stage in the air and gets to experience it for the first time. They don't talk, they don't tell on each other for crying, they don't wait until the end of the show.

They go home to Gotham and don't tell the others, it's their little secret now, one that can continue living on because of them.

If they ever go back nobody knows, if they ever disappear for a few hours nobody knows, if they donate anonymously nobody needs to know it either.

"Would you really tell on us Barbie?"

*sigh*

*click*

O: At least they are getting on now.