#'oh aspec people can still date/have sex!'

[knifearo]

ultimately when it comes to shipping and fandom space treatment of aspec characters i just don't accept "aro/ace people can still date/have sex" as an answer from nonaspecs. like yeah. mhm. okay. now i think we both know that you're not saying that out of real interest in the diversity of aspec experiences. so you can turn in your seventeen-page essay on why and how you plan to examine this character's aspec identity within the context of a romantic or sexual relationship complete with evidence from canon and peer reviews from multiple aspec people within the next week or i'm putting you in the pit from the edgar allen poe story

[alastors-antlers]

Being someone who sees a lot of talk about shipping Alastor (sexually, romantically) in fanworks, I just want to take some time to talk about both sides of the issue. It's long, I know - please, please bear with me until the end, and I hope you'll understand what I mean in a bit.

I hope this helps someone, but as an aroace person who understands the frustration and hurt, this is often how it feels to me:

Alastor, being one of the limited cases of aspec rep that I've seen and one of even fewer which I actually enjoyed, means a lot to me.

That being said, his canon rep establishes that he's aroace but not much about how this factors into his life or relationships at all -- and when there's a gap in canon, I turn to fanfiction, which tends to spotlight characters' queerness even when the source material doesn't or can't. Don't we all want to see ourselves in the media we engage with?

When I pull up AO3, there are already a good number of fics about him. Great! Some of them are definitely incredible; but as I read on, it starts to seem like a lot of fics I see acknowledge that he's asexual or aromantic in some way but don't really factor that into the story. It reads like you could have written the story without keeping his queer identity in mind, and it would've come out the same.

Even when representation that does resonate with me exists, it starts to be exhausting to pick through the slash tags to see which ones are written in an aspec-coded way, so I wonder if it would be easier to not read anything with slash at all. On the other hand, when you filter ships out completely, only a tiny fraction of the fanworks are left.

People often respond that aspec people can have relationships, and I think we tend to know that. They can have sex, some can experience sexual attraction in select situations, they can romance others beyond romantic attraction -- any combination of things. But some aroace people don't want either, and sometimes we're struggling to see ourselves in how Alastor is typically portrayed.

Out of all of the fics, sex-repulsed, totally aromantic Alastor isn't seen much. And when Alastor's limited canon seems to be pretty supportive of a reading where he is those things...

Sometimes, you start to feel lost. If fics were evenly distributed along the aroace spectrum of experiences, wouldn't you expect more fics of him being the "totally uninterested" brand of aroace? But there aren't. People seem to have a preference toward seeing him in relationships. Even if they mean well, it can make you think: what does that say about how we view asexuality/aromanticism as a whole?

Is there something less interesting about Alastor, when romance is taken out of the picture? Do others find him less appealing as a character if they can't see him dating, or in love, or having sex or wanting it? Why do we need romance, when romance is already everywhere else, when it doesn't even feel like he was originally really interested? It brings to mind a struggle to be societally accepted, even today.

Even when it's not technically wrong to write Alastor as you see him, being told that we should all be able to ship him however we want can feel like this:

It brings to mind people who try to swing in with misinformed good intentions, telling us "oh, you're aromantic? but you can still have romantic relationships, right? so you can still be normal." when all we want is to be okay outside of the normal.

Or trying to find a partner who can be with us, out of everyone who tells us "I know you don't enjoy sex, and that's okay, but I can't have a romantic relationship with you without it." and being so tired of hoping for someone who gets it.

Or talking with peers, and hearing them all commiserate and fawn over their experiences with love, then telling them about someone you like non-romantically and getting "aww, it sounds like somebody's got a crush!" but not being believed when you tell them it's not like that at all.

Alastor is not a big deal, not really, not in the grand scheme of things. But in an allonormative world, it can feel like a sudden splash of cold water when we were expecting a warm fire to sit around. Even within this ecosystem, we squint to see ourselves reflected.

Society isn't built for us. It can be exhausting to be reminded of that.

~~~

I hope to support people writing Alastor as any variation of aspec, or not even aspec at all. At the end of the day, I think that fanon is really whatever you want it to be, and everyone has their own reasons for writing what they find enjoyable. They should be allowed to do so, and I want to believe that people do what they do with good intentions.

They want to imagine scenarios with the templates of characters they love, and that's okay; even beyond sexuality/queer identities/etc., fan interpretations of characters can be incredibly, wildly different from who they really are in the story anyway, and that's what I try to remind myself. But still, I also can't help feeling disappointed about the aroace representation we could have seen.

(Is Alastor canonically sex-repulsed? Uhh, maybe. If I had to guess, that'd be my top guess, but this might be a hot take: I wouldn't really say there's enough to go off of considering that this view is supported by Angel propositioning him both times, and it's not like Alastor is a particularly big fan of Angel at those points anyway lol)

To my fellow aroaces struggling with Alastor's fandom rep: if you need a break from it all; if you need to block the tags that you hate; if you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling; that's okay. It makes sense that you'd want more representation in a way that helps you feel seen and validated and less alone. I can't speak for everyone, but I think I get it.

I don't have any solutions for how you're feeling, because sometimes I'm feeling the same way. I understand that you want others to get your position and you have the right to express your feelings, but even if you're correct, often being angry or frustrated won't help change others' minds, so let's try to save our energy and take care of ourselves.

Something that helps me to think about is that even now, asexuality is gaining more visibility. We're gaining support. Real change is happening in the world that's helping incredible amounts of aspec people feel freer to be themselves. And maybe one day, we won't be reaching to protect our scraps of representation.

Let's fight until that day together <3

[thisvegetabledoesntfallinlove]

having aromantic feelings in this denny’s tonight bc i had to go on a blocking spree yet again.

I just think like... people don’t know shit about what it’s like to be aromantic. aphobes complain about the Fandomization Of Pride and say shit like “asexuality is basically a fandom thing; if your community is entirely online and based around tumblr tags and headcanons, you cant possibly compare it to actual real life gay experiences”

and like. i have some bad fucking news for you about gay people who live in super homophobic backwater small towns. I’ve known plenty of gay people who were completely closeted irl and whos entire interaction with queerness was online communities, especially gay shipping. that doesn’t mean there aren’t other gay people in those homophobic little towns, its just often too dangerous to look for them. there are definitely other aro people in my backwater little town! I just can’t find them. I’m not saying this is the best way to interact with the queer community! or even a good way! for instance, nobody gives a shit about gay vs aro or bi vs pan irl! this drama is all internet shit! but being terminally online is certainly not a problem unique to aspec people.

honestly, as someone who’s trans, bisexual and aromantic, the thing that’s actually made my life the most difficult for cishets to swallow is the aromantic part. my backwater town is fairly liberal, so they can be chill about the gay thing, they can even tolerate the trans thing, but not getting married???? what do you mean you can’t be like the sweater-wearing chaste gay dads in the commercials? what do you mean you don’t want to date but you still want to have sex???????

nothing about my identity is palatable. nothing about me is relatable or marketable. my life, my future, my happiness, looks completely alien to your average cishet. the first time I told someone irl that I was aromantic, the immediate reaction was “oh my god I’m so sorry” as if I just said I had cancer.

like. actually. yknow what. yeah I think the aromantic experience is very easy to compare to my experience as a disabled person. its because I’m fundamentally missing something that Typical People consider completely intrinsically tied to their worth and their happiness. what’s the point of life if you can’t get married? whats the point of life if you can’t have a job? “i’m so sorry to hear you’ll never experience the be all end all of human existence; retiring to live comfortably with your aging partner as your grown children take up the mantle of your legacy.”

people don’t know what its like to be aromantic. they think of it as a tumblr tag, or headcanons, because the only time they bother to interact with aromanticism is when they’re complaining about our headcanons. no one can deny that aspec identity in this decade is intrinsically connected to the internet, in the same way that no one can say that gay identity in 1970s and 80s america wasn’t intrinsically connected to gay bars. its because That’s How You Meet People. queer people have always taken whatever was the current way for humans to connect to each other and carved out their own space.

aromanticism is in the stage where its hard to find other people, and no one knows what you are, and if you explain it to them they think you’re sick. we’re in the stage where we don’t get a lot of explicit canon representation, we have to scrape by on aro readings and subtext and coding.

and it IS coding! its coding! I don’t care if aromanticism wasn’t named yet back then! there are plenty of instances of queer coding from before we had words like “trans” or “gay” or “lesbian” or even “queer.” what matters is that someone somewhere was like “this character has the experience of not feeling the socially mandated attraction to the opposite binary gender,” which is a queer experience whether the person feeling it is gay or aromantic. just like bisexuality and lesbianism weren’t separated for a long time because straight society didn’t care if the wlw could also technically like men, lesbianism and aromanticism and asexuality weren’t separated because straight society didn’t care if the woman who wouldn’t get married to a man wanted to kiss girls or not.

this is way longer than I intended it to be and it got kinda rambly and train-of-thought, and I don’t think I really have any particular conclusion here. just aro feelings. idk if this makes sense but I’m tired of trying to edit it to make more sense so I’m just hitting post

[i-like-her-like-that]

// It’s all "but asexuals can still have sex !! Aros can still date!!" Until it's "oh youre not ace anymore you had sex so now that doesn't count. You've dated someone ? You can't be aro no sir"

// How about you just let aros and aces and all aspec people do what they want forever without you telling them how to live their life

// Don't fit anyone into your box. Don't make anyone else live their orientation by your standard.

[lalaloobzy]

Random aspec fictional character HCs

Matthew Cuthbert (Anne With an E)

Asexual + aromantic

Lived his whole life unmarried like his sister but, unlike Marilla, never had any relationships in the past. Doesn't reciprocate Jeannie's feelings and tells her his love for his adopted daughter (Anne) is the only love he has room for. Was TERRIFIED when Anne tried to set him up with Jeannie.

*(this is specific to AWAE but I think it can apply to book Matthew as well)

Selah Summers (Selah and the Spades)

Asexual + aromantic

Tbh this one might be canon (or at least heavily implied). Never has been in a relationship. Admits to Paloma that she's just never been interested in anyone in a romantic or sexual way.

Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece)

Asexual + aromantic

Just doesn't seem remotely interested in romance or sex. Gets grossed out/ annoyed when people kiss in front of him.

*(this is specific to the anime, idk about the manga or live action adaptation)

**(I am not caught up on the anime, this may turn out to be incorrect)

Willie Jack Sampson (Reservation Dogs)

Asexual + aromantic

Never had a love interest or showed attraction in the show (to the best of my knowledge. If she did, I missed it). Also, THIS OUTFIT SPECIFICALLY. Her hoodie is aroace colors and her socks look like a mix of the asexual flag and the aromantic flag.

Lucy Wells (Harlots)

Grey asexual/ greysexual (+possibly aromantic? Maybe demiromantic? I haven't decided yet)

Born into prostitution but HATES sex. Avoids it as much as she can and by the last season finds a way to do her job without having to have sex. The reason I said grey ace is because she DOES seem sexually attracted to Fallon after some time of being with him (I think? I was a little confused about how she felt tbh).

Birdy (Birdy)

Asexual + demiromantic

Everyone in his life thinks it's weird that he's so interested in birds and not girls. Admits to Al he doesn't see the appeal of sex at all. Very reluctant to go to prom with Doris and had no idea what to do when she parked the car and offered him sex. I can see him developing romantic feelings after close friendship (like with Al) which is why I think he's demiromantic.

Bilbo AND Frodo Baggins (The Hobbit/ The Lord of the Rings)

Both asexual (+ maybe demiromantic, though I can also see Bilbo as aro)

Both remained bachelors all their lives. Bilbo lived alone and later with Frodo who was like an adopted son. Frodo lives for a long time with Sam and Sam's wife Rosie. I personally think that Sam and Frodo are in a romantic relationship, while Sam and Rosie are in a sexual relationship. Frodo seems content with this arrangement which is why I believe he's ace.

Ted Buckland (Scrubs)

Asexual

Simply because of the part where Carla says "I don't want any MAN filming me giving birth unless he's completely asexual" and then Ted walks in with a camera and Carla smiles and says "oh hi Ted!". (I think this was a poorly-aged joke about him being "ugly" more than anything but I'm still claiming it). Also when he sings the duet with Gooch and Gooch says "I want to screw you" while Ted says "I want to kiss you.

Fabian Rutter (House of Anubis)

Asexual

He's nerdy and into space (I know this is a stereotype but representation is scarce I take anything I can get... you get it right). Also his relationship with Nina is very innocent and I can't see him developing sexual attraction even when he becomes an adult.

Dirk Gently and Bart Curlish (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency)

Dirk- Asexual

Bart- Aromantic

Neither of them have love interests in the show (although Bart/Ken may have been implied) so this is just how I felt about the characters personally. I think Dirk definitely had a crush on Todd and is gay but I don't think he gets sexual attraction. Bart is the opposite. I can see her developing sexual attractions and feelings but being repulsed by kissing/ dating etc.

*(this is specific to DGHDA, idk about any other versions of these characters)

Anybody feel free to add thoughts and your personal aspec character hcs <3

[aroaceconfessions]

I feel like the way many allos deal with aspecs in shipping is just crap for every part of the community involved.

Repulsed or disinterested aros and aces get shoved to the side because they justify shipping and sexual scenarios with "Well some aros/aces still date/have sex" completely ignoring if that character even seems favorable at all. Or they pull demis/grays/fluxes/ etc. into it, again ignoring if it works for the character.

Romance and sex favorable aspecs are stripped of any aspec traits, in fan media it is simply not discussed or it is seen as fixing.

And the microlabels are dropped as soon as it's not convenient anymore, treated similarly to the favorable aspecs and/or the fact that people that use microlabels can still experience a variety of repulsion, favorability and complicated feelings about romance and sex is ignored as well.

Even QPRs feel like they're being pulled into the mess because it's starting to feel like "oh no they're not romantic they're in a qpr" is just "oh yeah they're together but I won't label it as such".

[rjalker]

I am aroace. Being ace and aro are inexplicably tied together for me.

A few years ago now I made a post about how asexuality is not pedophilic, in direct response to seeing what I thought was a trusted mutual reblog a post saying, "It's important to teach kids it's okay to be gay, but it's pedophilic to teach them about asexuals" and teaching kids about it can only help them, so they know it's okay not to want to date or kiss other people.

And ever since I made that post people have been fucking getting pissy about me using "ace" and also talking about not feeling romantic attraction.

And a few years ago I did make an addition to the post apologizing.

But you fucking know what? No, I've changed my fucking mind. I'm not going to apologize for saying ace and also meaning aro.

Literally no other fucking orientation forces people to use the split attraction model, and I'm fucking tired of people acting like being ace and aro are completely disparate things that never have anything to do with the other -.-

You use the split attraction model? Cool.

Now, honestly, shut the fuck up and stop policing how other people are allowed to talk about their experiences.

People are allowed to just say "ace" and mean someone who does not want to have sex or date, or kiss, or do anything romantic either.

No, it is not fucking aromisic or acemisic for people who are both to talk about their experiences without always using the fucking split attraction model.

I usually refer to myself as aroace - but I shouldn't fucking have to. You know why I do? Because otherwise if I just call myself ace, people will ignore my aromantcism. If I just call myself aro, they ignore my asexuality.

And that is fucking unacceptable.

I am sick and fucking tired of the aspec community acting like the split attraction model is mandatory and applies to everyone, when it's fucking optional.

Fucking shit like assuming someone who says they're ace still experiences romantic attraction unless they state otherwise is literally fucking amatanormative. Someone saying they're aro and people assuming they still experience sexual attraction unless they state otherwise is literally fucking amatantormative!

Assuming that someone who says they're "ace" or "aro" still experiences the "other" form of attraction unless they state otherwise is literally amisia, by acting like people who are ace or aro need to be fucking redeemed by experiencing other forms of attraction, and they can still be fucking "shippable" and "normal".

I'm fucking tired of it.

I'm aromantic and asexual.

I should be allowed to make a post about being ace or aro without people fucking jumping down my throat about how I'm erasing people who use the split attraction model.

No other fucking sexuality or orientation treats the split attraction model as mandatory, and it's fucking amisic as shit that people in the aspec community think it's okay to do so.

Assuming I'm still redeemable or normal and am willing to date people if I say I'm ace is amisic as fucking shit.

Assuming I'm still redeemable and normal and willing to fuck people if I say I'm aro is amisic as fucking shit.

Leave aroace people alone, and stop fucking demanding people use the split attraction model.

Shit like this is why the first question out of amisics mouths when I tell them I'm ace is "okay, but who do you date?" and why they think it's okay to erase a character's orientation so they can still ship them, because "oh it's definitely ace, but romance was never mentioned!" even when the character is explicitly just as repulsed by romance as sex.

Stop fucking forcing people to use the split attraction model. Stop fucking acting like it's okay to assume someone can still be fucking redeemed by being "normal" in other ways. I'm going to rip the next amisic I see to fucking shreds, and no, fucking ace and aro people who use the split attraction model, you are not fucking exempt!

Especially because it seems like every few years there's yet another fucking form of attraction that you're assumed to experiences unless you state otherwise. "Oh you might be aroace, but you still want a QPR, right? Oh you still experience platonic attraction, right? You still want to get platonically married, right???"

How many more fucking times do I need to say no??

[transfemlogan]

16?

- 🌧️

i have already answered 16 for the positive one here . & i have been asked 2 answer it 2 more times after NSHSJDNDH so instead. i will answer 16 on the negative one & if i can think of another small detail in canon ill talk abt it. it's just hard 2 know whats a "small detail" & whats not

negative fandom ask game

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

i can't understand why everyone loves soulmate AUs.

that's a lie and exaggeration, i do get it to some extent. i understand that it's because the concept of having a "one true love" that will love you forever and ever is appealing & comforting 2 a lot of people. i respect & understand that.

but i fucking hate soulmate AUs.

for background: i am a relationship anarchist & a nonamorous romance + sex repulsed aroaceapl. i do not date, i do not have sex, i find romance & sex repulsive, i do not have queerplatonic relationships, i don't feel platonic attraction most of the time, i'm touch repulsed, i want to live alone; the idea of "dying alone" & "being alone forever" is the most appealing thought ever. & it's how i want my future to be.

SO. i find soulmate AUs to be the most horrifying & terrifying thing on the planet DNEHRKFNFJ

ignoring the fact that all soulmate aus are aphobic & actively ignore aspecs, the ones that do attempt to include aspecs tend to still exclude people.

"well you don't have to have a romantic soulmate! you can have a platonic one!" what about aplatonic folk? what about people who don't want to have friends?

& then its "well not everyone gets a soulmate!" what about aspex who DO want a soulmate? like genuinely what does that mean? how can you take in account every single unique sexuality & experience. i understa d that obvs soulmate aus r not trying 2 do thst but like. how does that work.

& you never ever see a soulmate au that takes in account aromantic allosexuals, because obviously having sex w/o feelings attached to it is evil & wrong. (HEAVY SARCASM!)

i do not want the universe/government/etc to pick who I get into a relationship with? who's the universe or the government or whoever tell ME who i can & can't date???

i think relationships need to be built and made and formed. I understand it's like "oh, but you have someone who is destined to love you forever", but it's like... i'd rather have someone who chooses to love me. not is forced to. someone who is willing to build a relationship with me & is choosing to love me.

i have wanted to write a soulmate au where a side (probably logan) actively ignores their soulmate & goes against the rules but i havent done it yet & i probably wont.

IDK I KNOW THIS IS ALL JUST SILLY BUT LIKE. HOW DO YOU GUYS FIND THAT ... APPEALING??? THAT WOULD BE TERRIFYING. if there was someone out there destined for me??? That i HAD to get into a relationship with whether i liked it or not???? whether it was my choice??? like ABSOLUTELY NOT. i don't want to be forced into a relationship just cuz the universe told me i should be. & i dont want to be forced into loving someone just because someone else told me I should be. that i had to love them because they loved me back!!! like this sounds like an abusive manipulative horror story waiting 2 be told (<- which now i def want to see. someone get on that. write a soulmate au where the persons soulmate uses it as an excuse to abuse & manipulate them & guilt trip them that'd be cool)

AND THEN SOMETIMES SOULMATE AUS HAVE THE MOST TERRIFYING SYMPTOMS EVER??? i saw one where you are constantly hearing your soulmates thoughrs. thats fucking terrifying. to never have a moment alone? to never have fucking privacy?? in ur own head? i saw a fic, which like no hate 2 the author it was beautifully written just so terrifying to me, where janus shares his thoughts w/ logan constantly & tells logan 2 "shut up so he can get work done" or whatever. LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN. WHERE AM I.

maybe its just cuz i was abused as a child & have been in an abusive relationship & im traumatisdd & its affected my way of living & entire life, but all i can hear when i see soulmate aus is how genuinely terrifying it would be if you were in an abusive relationship w/ a soulmate.

imagine have your thoughts always be read by your abuser. that no matter what happens, your abuser will always hear what you're thinking. you can't think of ways to escape or even begin to examine your relationship, because youe abuser will always be able to punch that down. & even if somehow you do escape, you will never bs free of them. thats fucking terrifying. & also a great metaphor for experiencing an abusive relationship & having ptsd after it can someone write that too. someone get on that.

if i shared my thoughts w/ my "soulmate" id probably actually kill myself i knkw thats a wild fucking thing 2 say out of no where but i am not joking. if i could never ever have a moments alone in my own head id actually be ending it right now. its almost 1 am can u tell i havent gotten sleep at all.

ANYWAY I HATE SOULMATE AUS. NUMBER ONE SOULMATE HATER !!!! ITS TERRIFYING & SO UNCOMFORTABLE 2 EVEN THINK ABOUT

negative fandom ask game

[pageofheartdj]

Hi! Autistic aroace anon from before! I saw your post abt ace Donnie and aro Leo (which btw, I LOVE how their colors are basically their flags? But in Leo’s case it’s his green tone)

And I totally agree!! Donnie seems to have somewhat interest in romance, like the innuendo at the Bearnardo “why I always like the cute and mean ones” and with Atomic Lass. But a teen flirty normal level (thank god, I also agree with you at the “pls they dont care yet, its hormones. Pls focus family and friends), than to actually have smth not rlly, and the arosexual part? I may be projecting a lil here. But he always seemed more interested in the flirt part than anything else.

With Leo, he liked to flirt, but more to charm the person to gain their favor than actually flirt, like in Donnie’s case. He always seemed averse, but not against it, just “yuck”. I felt that was also a normal teen reaction like “I don’t wanna get strings attached” but with smth more, a “yeah, rlly not for me” thing. I can totally see him being gray/demi aro (again projecting? I’m gray/demi aroace), since with some stuff he seems fine but with others, more exaggerated or “honeyed” ones, he gets uncomfortable. But I could understand if ppl put him on sex-repulsed full Aro in the spectrum.

It’s totally wild and funny to me how the fandom is rlly 8/80. The dynamics of both of them being switched in the fandom to fit the box idea that they created for these two is wild to me. “Oh, Donnie’s autistic and 10% of the time, specially in stressful situations, he doesn’t want to be touched? And also a genius nerd? Nah, he’s a goofy goober which the idea of relationships is totally alien and foreign to him, he totally runs from it and has 0 experience of it”. “Oh, Leo’s has narcissistic tendencies and flirted to gain favors before in specific and numbered occasions? He’s totally a flirt, believing everyone wants to date him and he’s a heartbreaker, he totally loves that attention, not uncomfortable at all”

So yeah, sorry for my lil rant, but I rlly do feel whatchu said in that post a whole lot!!

Speaking of colors, he is blue and wore that orange uniform in Air Turtles so yaknow XD

The thing is, the turtles are teens, PLUS they lived an isolated way of life. They had NO way of acting on their interests no matter if they had or didn't have any.

And also. Attraction and relationships are not connected whatsoever! They can. But they don't have to! So the allo person might not want any relationships and aspec person can want and be in one. The relationship status says NOTHING of their identity xD

And moving on to Donnie. He has crushes on fictional character and makes sense, again, no people around. But he also used this his type on Strawberry who are very real and in the moment and is very cute and is very mean to him xD Donnie has a type with real girls too. What he wants to do with this attraction and if he has any sexual attraction is unknown and obviously, it's a kid's cartoon and romance is basically a non-existant part of it(thank god xD). And anyone can hc almost any queer and not queer identity on him, because all of them can and will work xD

Same with Leo, we have some canon moments with him, but it can work for so many queer identities. He is aro as a very direct conclusion. He is grey or demi and his repulsiveness tones down if he falls for someone, etc xD He can also be just a teen who is not into romance but now it extra disgusts him. Anything can work and as long as we are not forcing our hcs on others, it's all good xD

I also hc Donnie a quick developer, he had his plastron developed first, he instalearned his mystics. He could get into the whole romance territory earlier than Leo too xD Leo might not be that enthusiastic the way Donnie is, but still!

Although Mikey doesn't seem to mind and Raph is a big supporter as a comparison xD

And yeeeeeeah I am not a fan(although I can VERY much understand) of latching on this one trait, no matter if it's a rare one or not, and making it the whole personality. Donnie is autistic and very rarely is not 100% excited for a touch? He is touch repulsed autistic. He has canon romantic interests? Nah he is aroace. (Which I LOVE aroace hcs. But I've noticed that in fandoms aroace hcs 99% mean NO romance and NO sex NEVER, even though aspec has SO much variation). With Leo he has these few sad moments and BOOM he is a 100% 24/7 sad boy that was born depressed and all that. Despite the fact that he is very joyful and very confident and very cocky most of the time. YES he copes with jokes, this doesn't mean ALL his jokes are just cover ups. Donnie's copes with collecting data, doesn't mean he doesn't do it on regular just cause he likes it. HECK both of them tend to cope with the thing they like, so they would feel better. Donnie likes data collecting so he copes with it. Leo likes joking so he copes with it.

I love your rants🤝

[allagogtoreblog]

sorry in advance for this really long ask, hopefully it’s not too annoying to come to you like this, but that meme you posted about being interested in sex only in the fictional sense actually means quite a lot to me… i’ve been IDing as aspec for a couple years now, it took me a while to figure it out because i’ve always been interested in romance and sex in fiction and fantasy and have had somewhat of a crush on one fictional character or another since puberty, but i’ve never wanted it irl or had any sort of romantic or sexual encounters in reality. eddie’s the biggest fictional crush i’ve had since i was a teen, to the point where sometimes i was starting to question my asexuality. but when i do that i have to remind myself that i wouldn’t want him if he were real, my interest entirely hinges on everything being fictional and safe in my head. i’ve only recently discovered the label aego and connect with it quite a lot, so it was thrilling to see both it and the concept of enjoying sex exclusively with fictional characters in the wild on your blog! i’ve just been having a hard time deciding whether i ‘remove my self’ from the equation, if you will. the definition is a little bit hard to puzzle out and i know it’s slightly different for everyone. anyway, thanks for posting that meme because it helped me find your blog, and it was so lovely to see aego in your bio as it’s the first time i’ve encountered that since i’ve been considering the label for myself. if you don’t mind my asking, how long have you ID’d as ace/aego, and how did you decide aego was the right label for you? oh and just for fun, if you’d like to answer: what are some headcanons that feel specific to Your Eddie, the eddie in your head, compared to popular fanon/canon?

Thank you so much for your ask! And trust me, it’s not annoying at all! There are not many people in my life that I can discuss things like this with, so I was kind of thrilled when I read it. I apologize for the lengthy reply, but I was SO excited to answer this.

Honestly, I started to realize I was “different” around JR high (which for a little context was about 25 years ago) when everyone around me was feeling that first rush of hormones and so excited about boys (or girls) and dating and first kisses, but I just never really felt that way. That’s not to say that I didn’t get crushes or find boys attractive (the posters on my walls of boy bands and teen idols would attest to that), I just didn’t see the point in romantic/sexual interactions with people I knew.  

I never really gave it much thought at the time though or tried to understand why I felt that way because JR high and HS were a really rough time for me. I was being badly bullied, my house burnt down, my parents were getting divorced, and I was struggling with depression so, I’ll be honest, I kind of assumed that things I felt (or wasn’t feeling in this case) were a product of nothing more than low self-esteem. Obviously, the only reason I wasn’t interested in trying for a relationship is because they’d just reject me anyways, right?

Yeah, I told myself that’s all it was for a really long time. Not because I was particularly embarrassed by my lack of personal interest but more so that I didn’t fully understand that I had a lack of interest.

I think it was because, around the age of 18, I found fanfic for the first time (SPUFFY 4 LYFE) and you best believe the smutty stories were my favorite (still are btw). Before that? Oh, this movie has a sex scene? Imma just watch it a dozen times, okay? So, clearly, I’m interested… maybe I just haven’t met the right guy?

It’s only been recently – around the last 5 years ago – that I’ve attempted to identify my sexuality. The catalyst of which was a particularly memorable event where I was literally sobbing at the thought of hanging out with a casual friend that I knew was interested in more. It was the first time anyone has ever told me that they were attracted to me and I was horrified by it.

So, yep, it appears I’m repulsed by sex? Great, I’m asexual.

But what about the fanfic and those dirty sex scenes, allagog? If you like watching/reading it, you must (subconsciously) want it in real life too.

So, I start reading a bit more and landed on the term graysexual for a few years – because I assumed my interest in that stuff proved I was sexually interested in people, therefore I straddled the line between asexuality and heterosexuality.

But I still felt like it didn’t fit.

It wasn’t until I started reading x reader fanfic daily (before that, I’d check out a story here and there) with the introduction of Eddie Munson (not unlike you) that I began to understand that the only time I was remotely interested in someone was if:

They were a celebrity who I will never, EVER meet

They were a fictional character

So, like one is wont to do in this day and age, I googled: “only sexually attracted to fictional characters’

And Aegosexuality popped up. And even though it’s not 100% a perfect match, of all the terms I’ve come across, this one fits the best.

The “remove yourself” bit you mentioned is also one of the parts that I don’t fully identify with (masturbating is the other), but I think that’s open to interpretation. It may not be the same for you, but when I’m reading x reader fics or imagining scenarios, I don’t actually picture me as I am, but a FICTIONAL version of myself.

In the end, the most important thing about identifying as any sexuality is that it's the right fit for you.

As for Eddie headcanons, I can't say I really have any that are entirely specific to me. For the most part, I love (most) of the versions that other authors have created or built upon. I love awkward, affectionate, sweetheart Eddie the most and almost always imagine him as much. Virgin!Eddie or sexually inexperienced are also 100% canon for me.

I'll also admit to really struggling with Asshole/Jerk Eddie and promiscuous Eddie (especially when combined with the Asshole/Jerk version of him). No disrespect for the people that read/write this version but I usually avoid them.

Thank you again so much for your ask! If you (or anyone else) ever want to reach out again - about anything, anything at all! - I'd love to hear it! <3

[theclosetisglassyouqueer]

I need to get this out 🫶

(you're really just a third party listening)

(pretend you're my therapist)

So I've resonated with some aspec things but also not felt like I'm on the a spectrum.

WARNING

TW

Trauma, mentions of sexual harassment, definitions, run-on sentences, opinions, and trauma dumping, (is it sharing my story or am I just trauma dumping on the people who might read this?)

...

...

...

(I know these are not definitive and having or not having these does not constitute asexuality, nor anything on the aspectrum, and that these vary and don't necessarily determine nor undermine the validity among the people on the aspectrum.

These experiences and events have it so as these make my feelings as to being asexual unlikely and that I'm not.

The same applies to the aromantic, or any other parts.)

Like I'm not asexual I want sex, I have a high libido, I get horny, I've masturbated more than I believe is common for my agab, and I've never had sex so I can't really say, right, and that unpleasant sexual harassment didn't change much in me, I just want VERY consensual sex.

But I don't think I feel sexual attraction like everyone else, like people have described theirs, i don't just see someone and think I wanna fuck them. I see someone in public and I wanna be someone special in their life not just date them, like I feel like it seems like I'm saying when I mention it

I'm not aromantic, for example, I'm SOO desperately lost as a hopless romantic, I WANT LOVE I want to share secrets to understand someone and be understood, almost every social media account I have has a saved folder with a heart or the word love (with the plans of showing anyone who's fallen in love with me, when I needed to give myself a reason yk.)

But I've never felt something I'd label romantic attraction, I chose my first crush (hehe he still wears Remus sweaters like everywhere, aesthetic) maybe it's only recent that I've realized I could feel something for people now(religious trauma) (can't date till you're 40 jokes) that I could get in a relationship with someone. And maybe it's the overuse of the word love in everyday language, but I don't really feel anything when someone says "I love you" to me, I say it back, but there's no deep feeling put into it. We've said it in tears knowing we won't see each other physically for years and I know I'll miss them, and I cry and there's a feeling there but I don't feel for it long, but there's no existential pain in knowing. Maybe I've just stuffed all feelings down for so long and maybe I don't know how to not do it and maybe I'm numb about it because I've already stuffed any feelings down subconsciously.

But maybe someone special will show up in my life maybe they'll be a certain gender that assures me in my sexual attraction maybe they'll make me feel something so I know love exists and romance is possible, and we can do everything together, sex and cuddles in the sun and sharing and enjoying each others interests together and seperate but close, but that means there has to be another person.

But oh platonic love!!!!🥰🥰❤ it's not romantic and it's oh being ever so close to someone but without the expectations of a romantic relationship. It's truly pure love it's a 🥰 but not 😍 and without the expectations of 😘

But I've never been very good at having friends, close friends or even just acquaintances, they've always petered out after some time and practically non existent after a week or two if it's online not almost daily, like living together is what it would take, almost. (Hey bestie who's my sister who doesn't have Tumblr and will probably never see this lol) and even relationships with grandparents and extended family members who don't live close, and we don't spend constant or regular-ish time conversing or spending with each other, are nearly nonexistent if we're not together and spending time juntos.

So maybe it's my trauma or mental illness (pretty sure I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and the like but I've never been diagnosed so...🤷‍♂️) and I truly don't know how to have and keep up a relationship, or maybe it's because every relationship I've ever had, sexual or romantic or platonic, has not been balanced ⚖️ probably very one-sided without either of us consciously knowing.

.

ANYWAY

.

I found the term "alterous attraction" about 2-3 hours ago:

"Alterous attraction is a type of attraction that is not entirely/neither romantic or platonic. It’s seeing someone and immediately going “I must become very close to them” but like. Not in a romantic way. By nature, it’s meant to be nebulous so for some people it might feel closer to romantic attraction while for others it might be closer to platonic."

I feel closer with this description and phrasing than to those of love and attraction (and trust me, I've read many of those. We're you aware that the ancient Greeks had seven to nine words for love each with different descriptions and definitions?) It's the same comfort as I felt with the label pangender, nebulous, I don't have to decide which gender I am, male, female, non binary, it's nebulous and I can be all or some without distinction. Without distinction, is what I feel sexual, am I fetishizing? Is what I feel romantic, is this what love feels like? Is it platonic, intimate and affectionate but not sexual?

"Alterous attraction is the desire to be emotionally close to someone. it’s not romantic attraction but it’s also not quite platonic, so it’s a “weird” gray area that some identify as being between the two or just completely different. alterous attraction can also be used to describe attraction that is confusing, can’t be determined by the person experiencing it, or can’t be labeled/described by typical or amatonormative terms. hope this helps!"

"A weird gray area... as being between the two or just completely different." Describes my identity, my past, my life, and my literal existence. Lol (but a semi-serious lol)

There's truly no need to specify. Nebulous and no need for distinction it can be romantic and platonic, either or neither, or somewhere in between.

"Alterous attraction is liking the idea of romance, hearing what a qpr is, and having a crisis because you thought that’s what romance was."

Honestly I just WANNA be close with someone and I don't know if that's trauma or I'm just very touch deprived. Which I am/have both to an EXTREME extent

Feeling alterous attraction doesn't have to make me identify on the aspectrum.

I am valid in identifying that I feel alterous attraction while also not identifying as being on the aspectrum.

Tldr: I trauma dump and realize the attraction I feel can be accurately labeled as as alterous attraction 🫶

[obscenity]

szpd question anon again (i should really start signing off... it's way more convenient than always saying 'THIS PARTICULAR ANON' or 'it's me'. hmm... i'll add it to the end of this ask when i think of one)

the first paragraph within your answer is very relatable, thank you for informing me!

would you say your orientation is influenced by being schizoid? because, as an example, i would say it does for me. i consider myself aroace (although i've seen being on the aspec is very common for schizoids), and i thought i was cupio towards a specific gender, but then i realized it makes way more sense to explain it through means of a lack of intimacy initiation that is compensated with imagination related to any desired relationships instead. like i wouldn't act on my desires but i can still tell what i want because of that.

additionally, what are your thoughts on responsibilities, standards or obligations that people set on you? i find that it is a LOT easier for me to define and identify myself when i make up the standards on my own. when other people do it, however..... no <3 Do Not. if you get what i mean, pffff ☆

i also feel pressured when they do it, because that implies i have to abide by their standards, and if anything is wrong i wouldn't know what to do. that makes it very confusing for me. i think it has also played a part in figuring out szpd in relation to me, because in order to be a schizoid you have to figure out whether you relate to specific descriptions and experiences that you don't make up yourself, and if you don't understand anything, you may be unsure, or it can be unclear (though then again i am also autistic so unclear info is #**##*@((@??!??? for me. put the vagueness away, please /not at you)

i figure that is all (my ask is also getting long again), signoff here ; ⛧ i will probably add it at the beginning of my ask if i send another one, for the ease.

hiiii again. for my sexual orientation, nope! im bisexual through and through and feel preeeeetty confident in that. im of course not going to go into specifics regarding my sex or dating life but what i will say is that no, im not very interested in it. it always sounds soo good in my head and then i pursue someone and its like "Wait hold on this fucking sucks". sometimes i go on tinder and lead men on and then ghost them when they start asking for more from me. which is so funny to me its such a schizoid thing to do. i enjoy the funny conversations i have from people who know nothing about me and get to start something with someone who has zero preconceptions towards me but as soon as people want to get intimate with me or know more im gone.

your next question is a biiit difficult for me. mostly because my parents, mainly, never really put too much pressure on me. or at the very least they gave up years ago. so now the only real standards im fighting against are my own. (i have 4 virgo in my chart but thats a tangent for another day. also made me realize i rely a lot on astrology/personality tests to tell me who i am) which yeah thats basically what youre saying. id much rather abide by my own incredibly high standards instead of someone else's regular standards. but even in a less serious sense yeah i do viciously fight back when people try to tell me im something im not. or when people try to place feelings on me that i dont want. i hate when i tell anyone something mildly disappointing or annoying to me or even something i consider neutral and they start with the "oh no, im so sorry :(" like i know its just common courtesy but Huh. i didnt say i was sad about it? why are you sorry? and yeah, for your last paragraph i get it. i dont like being told what i am or what im not, so trying to fit yourself into categories of "symptoms" can be very annoying. i just had to try very very hard to look at it from an objective point of view instead of thinking it as something that was trying to box me in. also i totally get the thing about being unsure about rules and whatnot. i have adhd and i allllways feel so much better when guidelines/etc are laid out orderly and clearly.

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

If it’s not too personal a question, how did you realize you were aro?

I realized I was aspec a while back and thought it was clear cut asexuality, but I find myself much more inclined to the idea of sex than romance (ik aces can want sex but my ideal relationship is like, best friends who have sex which seems pretty aro)

Most of the time it doesn’t bug me to not know if I’m arobi or acebi but I love to hear from other aros how they found their identity!

Hello!

Of course it's not too personal! (I post far more personal things here than "how did you figure out you were queer" haha)

Very similar to how you say here, tbh, simply

This might get long, so here's a readmore

As a teenager, at first I thought I don't like the idea of doing the same as everyone around me, all that pairing up, y'know - I didn't know about the split attraction model (is it still called that?) then, and I'm still working on my body image issues a decade later tbh, so I thought - don't like the idea of penetrative sex + don't want PDA, must therefore = asexual aromantic

Then I um "had an experience" with my best friend at the time, who came out that week (after) as a trans man - years before I knew that of myself - so then I thought, Oh! I do like sex! - or at least, y'know, fully clothed making out that made me cum. Uh. So, I can't be ace?? But I'm still not sure about the "sex with men" bit (I was 16/17 at this point, and not very uhhhh knowledgeable) and I still don't want to date someone, and women are ????, soooo, still aroace, right? (I didn't have a word for it til I was 18, at that point I think I said to myself something like "I just don't fancy anyone")

Then I looked into it a bit more, found out about AVEN, and all the different names for all sorts of things - I forget most of them now, but there's a one where you like um like masturbation or uh doubles-in-theory but not in practice? And I thought, Ah, that sounds like me!

Through all of this I'm also slowly figuring out my gender, too (??? -> must be a girl, right? -> no? -> no! -> genderqueer -> transman -> (now) agender transmasc) and sort of flopping about going "is it that I don't like sex or that I don't like my body?" and while I do sort of have the answer to that one now (do like sex, don't like penetrative really, working on the 'liking my body' bit, have not had the opportunity to try "doubles" so the jury's out on that one) um. I've forgotten where that sentence was going okay new paragraph

Anyway somewhere there with the "lots of new words" thing, I realised like if uhhh if the pressure's off y'know, if I'm kinda allowed to think about stuff just in theory, instead of um. thinking about it in practice? that's not a thing. idk the word. Anyway, I found myself a bit more freedom in thought, and realised that, oh, actually, I am bisexual (in the way most people use pansexual, nowdays, but I like bi better as a word, idk - this realisation is only sometime in the last 2, 3 years, tho I've been calling myself queer for simplicity's sake for about 8, 9 years)

During all this, I haven't had the opportunity much for "romance", not that I want it - or, at least, I didn't want it with those specific people, and haven't found myself daydreaming about anyone else, so while I identify as aro and can't really see that changing, I spose no one can see the future (unless that's the amatonormativity speaking)

Basically my two oh three actually experiences have been

- best friend snogging, I moved country that week, he came out to me on facebook messenger and I said "you do you" basically cs I didn't know what else to say, and then we texted as friends for 6 months or so

- friend from work asked me out to dinner and I didn't know it was a date until he insisted on walking me to the train and kissed me on the cheek to say goodbye, and then I had a panic attack on the way home overthinking everything I'd done

- friend (aroace) asked me out over lunch and I said yes cs I couldn't see a reason not to, spent the day at their house holding hands and being introduced to the online polycule (what!! Obviously fine but uh quite a lot), went home, panicked, spent three days overwhelmed with the windowblinds closed and then texted them to say 'sorry but no thank you :(' (paraphrasing) but we still are alright friends I think

Uhhhh so maybe it's uh maybe it's all that ^ or maybe I am aro, but right now, and for all of my past, relationships don't really appeal to me, I can't imagine that like applied to my life and I don't want to - so I'm aro! I feel comfortable and happy with the word as it applies to me, y'know

I explain it to my mother as like "it sounds like too much fuss", and she's just divorced so she laughs and agrees, and it is basically true, really haha

I don't know how much that's helpful, but there you go anyway

I say anyway too much. Hm. Anyway. Bye.

[birdsong-18]

hi!

i’m a little late to the party, but i’m so proud of jaidenanimations’s new video where she comes out as aroace!

i dont openly talk about my sexuality online much (really because i don’t know what my sexual orientation really is), but i do know that i am 100% on the aspec.

my experience is very similar to jaiden’s, where i went through my life feeling like i was missing out on feelings because i didn’t have many crushes and didn’t get crushes in the same way others do. i soon came to realize that i was demisexual and demiromantic, where i had to form a close bond to a person before i began to feel any form of attraction or desire to date. this is why so many of my “celebrity crushes” have been on youtubers, and why i’ve only had 4 serious crushes in my lifetime (and one boyfriend who i never had sex with even though we dated for 9 months).

i’m so happy that jaiden was able to express these feelings as well, and her points on societal pressure to date are also very prevalent in my life as well. now that i’m in college, everyone is hooking up, and getting dates, and i feel almost left out at points as some of my friends talk about the “football guy they’re crushing on” or the “guy they hooked up with last night, but she doesn’t really like him.” i feel like i have to keep up with everyone even now, and seeing someone with similar experiences to me made me feel so much better.

you don’t meet many aspec people in daily life. it’s hard for me to sit through conversations of sex, feeling like i’m confused and left out because sex to me is such an intimate form of love, the last base that someone must unlock with a key they find through getting to truely know me.

but having a public figure, someone who i have been watching for almost as long as i have known i am aspec, come out as aspec… well i almost teared up watching that video. i’m so proud of her for becoming public with this, for being that figure that so many people need.

if she had been out when i was at the age of confusion, maybe i would have figured this out more quickly.

i was 17 when i came to realize that i was on the aspec. i’m 19 now, and still struggling with societal pressures. it’s always the question of do i want to have sex? do i really like that person? why don’t i get crushes like my friends do?

the shot that hit me the hardest from the video, however, was the shot of the aspec community standing across a crack in the ground from the rest of the lgbt community. and there is separation in the lgbtqia+ community as well. like, yes i am in the community, but even then i get forgotten or looked over. im constantly mis-labeled as “straight” (im not, i would date the opposite sex if the feeling arose, it just never has. i tend to label this as ambiguous more than anything), and often times my lgbt friends will hush up about sex, as if they think i don’t want to hear it (i don’t mind sex talk, i am just confused about some of the emotions behind it).

aspec people almost get babied in the community. we get told that “we wouldn’t understand” and get left out of normal everyday conversations about sex and relationships because people think it makes us uncomfortable (i do know for some it does). that makes me almost want hide this from my friends. what do they need to know about my sex life, who i’m attracted to? but that also just tends towards a feeling of left out, like you’re hiding yourself. and many of my straight friends and even some of my gay friends don’t know anything about the community. they’re so misinformed.

an example of this happened to me recently. i have an ace flag on my desk. one of my roommates was talking about the movie 50 shades of grey, and was explaining a pretty explicit sex scene. my other roommate joked “oh god, song, i’m gonna need that flag,” as if i choose to be this way. so many people don’t understand it’s not a choice

that is why jaiden’s video is so important. it’s the first step of bringing awareness to people, so people can feel comfortable with their identity. so they have somewhere where they belong.

i only know of two public figures on the ace spectrum, who are open about it, talk about their experiences, and are proud.

the first is even edinger, who introduced me to the concept back in 2015.

and the second is jaiden, who is helping so many people in 2022.

if anyone is struggling with their identities on the aspectrum, please feel free to contact me. my inbox is open, and i’ve been in the same exact spot you are. i’ve been comfortable with myself for almost three years now, and i am so proud of everyone who has found the bravery to come out after jaiden’s video.

<3 song

[gaycatwizard]

I feel like... aromantic identities should be talked about more. Asexual identities, too, but aromantic identities tend to get overlooked or ignored, while asexual identities are getting a teensy tiny bit of spotlight lately (good, as they should). I also think that the concepts of asexuality and aromanticism tend to be thought of differently in ways that they... shouldn't necessarily be? Like, to me, the idea of someone being asexual and perhaps still having a sex drive/libido and/or still having sex or entering a sexual relationship is just... inherent. That makes sense to me, an ace-spec person, I get that, and, while it often has to be because aspec identities are very often misunderstood, that fact shouldn't have to be explained in my opinion. It should just... come with the identity. Not every ace/acespec person will have a sex drive or want/like sex or enter a sexual relationship (whether part of another type of relationship, too, or solely sexual), but some do/will, and that's fine, too. But for aromantic people... I feel like the assumed definition isn't the same as asexual? Where it's "does not experience sexual attraction, but may still desire sex or partake in it". While aromantic is often assumed to mean "does not experience romance or romantic feelings at all ever, hates romance, never wants anything to do with it". But like... this is a realization I came to only recently, myself, but... aromantic is the same as asexual but just a different type of attraction. It's "does not experience romantic attraction, but may still desire romantic affection and/or partake in romantic relationships/romance as a whole." It's the same thing. I get it can be hard to grasp for allo people, but the idea of liking/wanting sex, romance, etc. and experiencing attraction are separate. They often go hand in hand, the same way most people don't need or want to use the SAM, but they're separate. Allo people can lack a libido or have disinterest in relationships. They're still allo. And aspec people can have a libido, want/enjoy sex and romance, seek out romantic relationships, etc. They're still aspec. I usually explain it with hunger. I can be hungry, my body can physically and psychologically tell me to take in nutrients... without craving any food in particular. I'm not hungry for anything, but I'll still eat. I like eating, I like food, I just never feel a specific hunger for any specific food. I just need food. And it's that simple. An asexual person probably doesn't experience sexual attraction to anyone, but that doesn't mean they lack sexual desire completely. Some ace people do, that's fine, but not all of them. Same with aromantic people. They probably don't experience romantic attraction to anyone, but that doesn't mean they can't feel and experience and enjoy and want romance. Some don't, and that's okay, but that's not every aromantic/arospec person. And I get that like... society is getting to be a bit more aware of asexuality as a whole and the general concept of "sex isn't what makes us human, not enjoying it and not wanting it are perfectly fine and normal, and maybe we shouldn't expect everyone to want and desire sex". But the amatonormativity is still there and it's still super pervasive. Society just... assumes and demands that everyone will (1) experience romantic attraction, (2) desire a romantic relationship, (3) enter into a long-term, exclusive, monogamous romantic relationship, (4) prioritize that romantic relationship over any and all other relationships, and (5) feel that this romantic attraction and courtship is what makes us human. It's not. It shouldn't be assumed. Why can't people be single and be happy in society's eyes, without actively seeking and pursuing a relationship, attempting to "fix" the fact that they're single? Why is a lack of romantic attraction, regardless of relationship status and interest, so hard to grasp? Why do people assume that a romantic relationship is going to be the most important and highest priority one in anyone and everyone's

life? I just... grrr... and that's coming from an aromantic/arospec person who isn't even romance-repulsed or romance-negative. To be fair, I fucking HATE the pervasive forced romantic B-plots in any and every non-romantic genre movie and show. It's stupid, the characters are almost always cishet, white, and attractive, so there's no fucking variety or representation and it feels like that's the only "acceptable" relationship in society, and the characters... so rarely have chemistry? Even like... platonic chemistry? It so often feels like the characters don't even like each other, or can't stand each other... and yet... oh for no reason at all they kiss and date because clearly no one will watch a movie if hot cishet white people don't makeout. Which... isn't true. But grrr...

[dragynkeep]

If we're making confessions about problems with the greater lbgt community may I say something? You can ignore this if you want. But I'm a young woman in her 20's and identify as aroace. And I don't think I need to tell you how sex and romance obsessed the world is. All society's, all people, all media, tv shows, movies, songs, video games everywhere everyone assumes on some level that every person born wants to fall in love and have sex. Those of us in the aspec community are basically ostracized from everyone. Straight people who refuse to believe our identities are real, gay and other identities seeing us as straight passing and thinking we're infiltrators taking up resources. Everyone invalidating our feelings that oh we're just confused silly and immature. We'll find someone to love us and if we don't we're repressed losers, weird, broken, wrong. If it's not rape threats to "fix us" we get harrassed by someone thsr has romantic feelings we just can't return and getting screamed at because our friendship isn't good enough. Not to mention we always get sidelined. All people prioritize and value romantic and sexual relationships and the family's they will make themselves. Friendship is not valued the same it's seen as lesser that slowly loses importance over time. So friends get pushed further and further to the wayside and if you remain single and without kids everyone starts excluding you. Parents focus more on their children who gave them grandkids, siblings will want more in wills because they have their own family's to care for. That doesn't even go into the sexism ace women face in the workforce. Women who settle and have a family are often overlooked for promotions but ace women who don't seek out qpr and are single get overloaded with work and seen as having more "free time." But if ace women remain single and childfree they get harrassed by everyone they know to settle down eventually, they're not a real woman if they don't fall in love, get pregnant, adopt, or just have sex with someone. It's so lonely it's a loneliness no one ever considers. No one wants to understand asexuals, no one cares for us. I haven't experienced every single thing listed above thank god but it's still common enough that as I get older I'm sure will become more common place. Sorry I just. I'm proud to be aroace I am. I'm not ashamed but man is it hard when everyone looks at you as the other. The outlier that seems barely human that doesn't conform to any conventional standard. I'm low key relieved I've never been able to date anyone long enough to become serious, have crazy exes or even fall in love. It sounds exhausting being distracted by a person or multiple (not putting anyone down) but I've lost many good friends. Friendships I've spent years building up. And that was real heartbreak to me. I lost relatives and no one knows how to help with that because my support group is small. No boyfriend or girlfriend whose friend group would adopt me. Just mostly on my own having to rely on myself as best as I can. Anyway thanks for listening and letting me speak. And to my fellow asexuals and aspec people you're perfect just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong or your feelings are fake. You are fine just as you are so take up space don't hide yourselves if you are safe to be out.

i’m honoured that you see our blog as a safe place for you to vent your feelings & i’m sorry for the way society & people other you for who you are, even those in the community that is meant to be home.

to all our ace  /  aro followers, we love you & you’re safe here, for anything you need. ♥