#I thought a QPR is what i wanted but now even those make me uncomfortable

[redysetdare]

Time for a game of: Am I just a non-partnering aroace or am I afraid of commitment?

[fumifooms]

Thistle & Falin

Just my narrative of Thistle & Falin, collection of shippy thoughts and dynamic analysis. Creating some imagery and threads, etc. What if we both made devotion to our loved ones our purpose, what if we both hadn’t lived for ourselves in a long, long time. Who are we? Beyond who we love and our powers, what are we?

Background info: a short Falin analysis touching on Faligon and Thistle + an old thistlin post, compiling most of their moments. Here I delve into further thoughts but for base analysis of what they have in canon and in potential those are good starts. If you want I also have a full Falin analysis.

Disclaimer: Beyond the nebulous 1000 years I place Thistle as a young adult, and though I agree Falin mothers him to some degree I don’t think it’s unsimilar to the way that Marcille is a mom friend that sometimes mothers Falin and Izutsumi especially. Their relationship has layers like every other one in Dunmeshi, reducing it to being incestuously motherly or age discoursy to justify it being problematic is so funny to me, hello did you miss the mind control. Ah yes I love the 1090 yo with godlike powers being groomed by his chicken slave. You can have your own interpretation but canon is ambiguous enough, and dare I say intentionally ambiguous, that I have no qualms with not infantilizing Thistle, same with Yaad at the end of canon. I do ship Thistle and Falin, and although it’s in a nebulous qpr-or-other third secret thing situationship instead of conventionally romantic way, like, I puke on anything giving them a parental framing so don’t come shitting on my doorstep, kid-Thistle truthers be warned. Only nuance enjoyers allowed on this post. It’s valid if you’re uncomfortable with the ship!! Don’t make your issue others’ problem.

I thankfully finished my Falin analysis before posting this, but besides that I also have an analysis coming on the whole Thistle age thing which I think is interesting, beyond the well being poisoned there are things to explore there, idk in how long that’ll be done though. That’s all for plans that are relevant to this, now let’s get into it.

Part 1

So my favorite Falin things are Faligon + her sense of being like a pawn/misplaced, going on autopilot to follow the wishes of others, a feeling of identity being a burden and sort of fleeing from that, and her not really caring in the way/with the intensity that she’s "supposed" to (as per the points I go over in my Falin analysis). Meanwhile, Thistle has a lot of shit going on already but then there’s also how being a dungeon lord is highly wearing on his mind. As Faligon and as dungeon lord Thistle, the way they’re both so out of touch with reality in different ways holy shit?? They have power imbalance between them and it very much comes from mind control lol, but it’s also not something Thistle is fully aware of himself, because the powers are driving him unstable and he’s not even aware there’s someone in front of him really. He’s so out of it that he can’t even recognize that the dragon has been fused with a human and she’s so out of it we can’t even tell how conscious of her actions she is.

And then the interesting thing is that they’re kind of in it together… Mostly from Falin’s standpoint. We see that he does rely on the dragon increasingly so, hanging out with it, being saved by it and embraced by her etc. When he lets them both fall after breaking the web they were hanging from, he automatically, fully and wordlessly trusts her to catch him, instead of relying on magic or anything, and she does. Falin devotes herself to him but he’s devoted to The Cause which is just chasing ghosts at this point. But despite it all there’s a weird comfort here too… From the guy who in his last moment of lucidity reached out for someone, anyone’s hand, from the guy who hasn’t felt companionship in hundreds of years probably, hasn’t taken it slow and slept and eaten in who knows how long, from the girl who feels compelled to care after him like she’s always done with others… And the beast-ness allows her to have some freedom to figure herself out in a weird way, to simply enjoy being beside someone and doing anything her own whims tell her to.

It’s very destructive and weird and layered but like…. I can see the sliver where it works out. Where her kindness reaches him and he has a moment of lucidity where he sees her and it’s like, wait, who are you, you’re not the dragon?? Where finding someone else who feels just as messed up and devoted as them, like they’re just trudging along life like it’s a dream following their loved one, heals them a bit. Where caring for the other becomes a way to care for themselves too, a dark mirror of each other that shows you, oh, this is how bad it can get and I want to choose something else for myself actually. To grow to see the person standing in front of you, instead of only searching with your eyes in what way they’ll reflect on you. In helping each other, finding some companionship that’s weirdly vulnerable and self-healing. He gets her in touch with herself and her own needs again through the arc and conflict they have, and she gets him in touch with the world and his surroundings again. They have clashing ways to be selfless, very self-sacrificial from Falin meanwhike self-centered with Thistle (he ‘knows best’, ‘everything needs to be left to him’, etc etc, he needs the control, but he does it all for others, meanwhile Falin leaves that control to others and only grabs it for herself in exceptional cases like sacrificing herself to the dragon for Laios).

Like just let yourself be, damn!!! So then them being like, zombie mentally stunted babies kind of enhances that theme in a way too lol. The way they communicate together is very… Instinctive and basic, and I’d love to see how it could develop into a functional dynamic. They’re in ‘learning to be your own person’ kindergarten together to me. Thistle looking at her coloring wildly outside the lines and being like "you’re doing it wrong" and then you look at his and he colored everything a weird color. The precision is scary but then his crayon goes 1 mm out of the lines and he blows up into tears. Ok the metaphor has run its course

So yeah like the ship/brotp is very, them being isolated and against the world together and like… Slowly regaining their minds together. Getting their sense of identity grounded into them again. In my mind they have a 50k words adventure where they hang out and he slowly realizes there’s more to her than just dragon and she encourages him to dawdle around and eventually just play in water and shit and it’s like, starting to see life again beyond the laser focus you limited yourself to… And she’s allowed to just chill out and do whatever she wants besides the whole searching for Delgal thing. You can’t tie down a dragon! They are a duo they are an unit‼️ He’d have been fucked without her and at this point in time he sort of made her and he’s her world. Traumabonded kittens do not separate but it’s onesided in different ways haha. Honestly it’s sort of reflavored mickuro wait fuck…

If nothing else, they’re a very interesting dynamic to ponder. The depths of it all… I want to use them as a social experiment. I want them to stop to smell at the flowers and learn to work together… They’re master and servant they’re owner and pet they’re mothering and mothered (in a guardian hound way, in a mom friend way) they’re both incredibly (emotionally and physically) vulnerable in different ways…… Master and monster if you will. Mostly I see them as guardian & leader. Like I said I ship them but it’s not really romantic atp I think but it’s not quite qpr either it’s truly a weird secret third thing… What if we were sort of coworkers but also ?!!!>??????! You should hate me but you fiercely protect me I should appreciate you but I only see you as a tool WHAT IS GOING ONNN IN THERE

He wants to be protected even if he can’t really admit it. Here the catalyst was emotional distress moreso than physical threat. Notice how he lays there under her wing for a bit as he (refuses to) processes what Mithrun told him about Delgal dying and betraying him. She’s becoming his safety net, his comfort hound. Somehow, the both of them find they’re soothed in each other’s presence.

It kills me. Them being so toxic at the start of it, then somehow ambiguously just hinting towards how things could have went on to be better, could have been headed somewhere nice and healing and healthier, she dies and he dies everyone fucking dies and they forget each other and it ends there they never speak of each other again. Canon wanted me dead specifically. Like remember too that I was there when the last chapters where being released, my ass really was like "Oh I wonder how Falin will react seeing Thistle after being revived!" 🤡 But yess at least that means there’s a lot of Unsaid, a lot of space for speculation, and I want to see what could have been. I want to see it so so bad. It’s so interesting

Post-canon is also so interesting, where they’re sort of recovered but not fully not really, them actually getting to know each other… And she doesn’t remember him but he doesn’t remember her either, in a way they’ve never met even though they have, even though she was the first one on his side since so long, the first hint of companionship he’s had, companionship that he’s so unused to getting that he can’t even recognize it for what it is. He couldn’t even recognize a human standing in front of him!! He is so disconnected from others and the world!! He spoke to ghosts like they had no worries in the world and everyone was ok!! He’s out of touch, tone-deaf af!! Has always been tone-deaf!! Being tone-deaf when he was younger, a stick in the mud, caused him to be more isolated than he already was… Autism4autism, anyways—

It’s them not knowing why or how to express it but being drawn together, a bond forged together by the fire of circumstances and coincidences— or is it only that? No one can know for certain but there’s a grip they have on each other there somehow. Weird distant caring thing. I dont know who you are but I feel like I should know you

It’s like my headcanon that she doesn’t know why, but on her travels she feels something when she comes across wild thistle flowers… There are just faint remnants, whispers of feelings like ghosts.

They should be remnants in each other’s lives. A deja vu of a person in the way Falin hugs small dolls to her chest, or how Thistle reminisces of something when he sees bird feathers discarded on the ground. < This paragraph courtesy of @cabinette’s huge brain

He canonically writes poems btw… Poems would be such a good way for him to get in touch with himself again post-canon, find desires in again and get creative fulfillment. He should make poems about her. To explore and vent and express all the vague feelings and memories he has, both those of during canon and after canon. He doesn’t remember her but he remembers her, slivers of kind eyes and warm gentle hands and healing magic like a blanket…

Yaad, an unlicensed therapist but the best you're gonna get in fantasy land: Maybe you should try journaling.

And too the thing is their relationship with each other in a way is ONLY about themselves, even when Falin is being self-sacrifical it’s less about him and more about how she generally is, that sort of instinct to latch onto someone and just follow along with whatever they do and ask, meanwhile to Thistle she’s only ever been a factor in his plans. Idk idk them getting to that point where they see and know each other, stumbling into that through canon or actively working towards it post-canon, there’s weird beauty in that Like. Thistle cares about her because he’ll take anyone as long as they fit the job description well enough, he’s desperate to find Delgal and will grasp at straws to find him. In a similar way that he’ll reach for someone, anyone’s hand on the verge of death, she seeks to protect someone, anyone. That’s how she centers herself, makes someone her compass and her world. Falin wants to protect someone and Thistle would use anyone, pushed to the states they were in they would latch onto anyone for comfort (caring for him, grabbing Marcille’s hand).

Mirrors truly truly. And Thistle likes to shatter those, and silence anyone who tries to talk to him about reality, so then the option left is to be by him quietly and subtly gradually, gently (her specialty) nudge him in the right direction … Nooo but actually why did he shatter those mirrors. Very interesting to think about. Would seeing himself in others anger him?

I like to call him a ghost of who he was sometimes, a ghost of the past, he’s so haunted, and I think there’s fun imagery there too. The care she offers Thistle somewhat reminds me of the one she offers ghosts. I wonder if part of it is that she sees herself in ghosts, that she wants to offer them freedom and peace of mind she can’t get for herself.

And of course meanwhile on her end, the thistlin arc is also about growing self-respect. I don’t want to see Thistle as a lost cause in saying that her efforts are wasted on him, but being so permissive and invested in him is obviously not healthy for her. She needs to learn when to put her foot down

Oooh, just realized that choosing to eat in this scene was a big character moment all things considered. By eating she faltered in her task, stood up for herself and her needs, was selfish for once (/positive go get your damn food girl). She chose to eat. Anyways

I bet he’s the one who healed her wounds after the Shuro party fight. And on that note— it’s interesting he could change her form from Falin to Faligon without touching her isn’t it? Healing by everyone else like Marcille and Falin always required touch, physical contact between the healer and healee, which some like Chilchuck say is a negative, but… The dungeon lord not needing to touch to heal makes a nice metaphor for how isolating the powers are I think. Truly clinical instead of warm. Theme of community and freely offering affection in Dungeon Meshi etc etc. Like I said, Thistle is out of touch.

The way that he has the powers to change her form and heal and like soo much magic power but he can’t even realize when he’s hurting himself and she’s the one who has to heal him. He’s so fully devoted to the cause even when he acts selfishly that he neglects himself too, and she has to remind him to take care of himself, to eat, etc. That she feeds him. Eating is an act of love to yourself and to life. The berries, the curry, the soup that Thistle refuses to eat—

Do you see the vision. Do you see all the narrative relevance and themes and parallels of their dynamic. To chase ghosts, to cling onto them so they stay with you no matter how warped and ugly they get, and to soothe souls, purifying them and helping them depart for the afterlife… Both magic prodigies whose lives revolve around protecting and caring after their loved ones more than anything else. A family member who looks elsewhere while they are their whole world. They can flee their emotional issues together 🤝 Who are we? Beyond who we love and our power, what are we? I think about the way she cradled him in her arms just before they fell down into the dungeon all the time idk idk

^ End notes from the one fic I wrote about them so far: Slivers, on AO3. For a moment, they were both slivers of themselves, bound together.

Thistle feverishly holding onto ghosts of the past and his source of power, meanwhile Falin cradles the people she can protect in the now with the powers that reside in her… Him cradling his book, her cradling her master……… Parallels

Interlude

And yess it’s important to remember too, Thistle became a mage only after delgal asked… He had innate talent, but moreso than Falin it’s through studies that he learned to actually harness his magic etc. Idk I think it’s an interesting parallel that could have interesting stuff be done on it. People often characterize him as predominantly bratty but. He’s smart and composed he’s mainly smart and composed… He’s unstable and everything during canon was happening all at once with the winged lion being freed and Laios’ party and the canaries and agh </3 He can have a meltdown as a treat he’s smart and cool-headed if it wasn’t for the dungeon wearing on his mind ok… Obvi I love my chars with anger issues but saying he’s overly childish is having tunnel vision I think

Ok so the elephant in the room… First of all how present is Falin in Falugon exactly…… We have no clue. The end sequence does show her in purgatory with a dragon foot holding her down, which can easily be read as it suppressing her personality- with how it’s shown though it feels like she’d be fully suppressed by that? And we know that’s not the case, since not only does she recognize Laios and calls out to him, she hesitates to hurt Kuro because of the dog association, she’s excessively kind towards Thistle, the latter which her Adventurer’s Bible profile confirm to be "her kind nature remaining as the chimera". Maybe it’s a dream-like state? Maybe the dragon is the driving force with the instincts, and it’s only bits of Falin and her personality that show through? A state of mind very primal and not very think-y, even if Falin has enough brains to think of sharing the berries, gesturing and oh- of course, casting magic. No issues with controlling the human half of her body as well. To some degree, her and the dragon are working in tandem. My own preferred interpretation is the driven by instincts one, a state of mind like an actual dragon’s, which in my Falin analysis I delve into the significance of it for other parts of Dunmeshi too. So yeah, dreamlike mindless autopilot… I think exploring her pov as Faligon would go super hard. Aware of her surroundings but sort of disconnected with it, and disconnected from herself too, entirely living in the present… And like with her talking to Laios— the only time she speaks in her chimera form, a simple observation, "Laios, brother", sometimes her human thoughts peek through more sharply, short moments of lucidity… I think it’d be interesting to see an arc where as the chimera, she learns to share the "brainspace" more with the dragon.

It’s also unclear if Thistle had a say in how much of ‘Falin the human’ is in control? He very well might have suppressed her somehow when he changed her form to be more dragonlike. That might also be due to just getting back the dragon meat though— and the dragon meat itself might be why/how the brainspace is shared. There is a lot less of Falin’s body in the chimera than there is of the dragon, body mass wise. Dungeon Meshi is a lot about physicality so I wouldn’t be surprised with this reasoning. But there’s the whole mind control soul bond situation too…

The mind bond is another thing that’s left mostly to interpretation when it comes to the details. She feels compelled to listen to the dungeon lord’s orders as a monster created and owned by it, like the dragons Thistle summoned during the fight at his house, but again like we see with the dragons, if the monster has a "strong will" it can disobey to some level without being punished by the bind or anything. The eyes of the magician, the small wyverns, level-of-control wise can’t be accurate examples because they’re sort of like familiars, Thistle can see through their eyes in real time no matter where they are but it’s only this species as far as we know. So otherwise the mind bond is more subtle… There’s also the question of how much the control is shared between the dungeon lord and the demon, which again Thistle’s situation is exceptional because he managed to seal his demon in a book, presumably all the power goes through Thistle without the intermediate of the winged lion, though we do see he has some reach since he reaches Laios through his dreams. ANYWAYS all that to say. I do really ponder about how a dungeon lord's monsters get their orders, like... For the fight on the first floor, did Falin just feel Thistle's agony in her bones and came clawing and barging her way in desperately and angrily to protect him because of his distress, or did he more directly demand she come, consciously or not?! Idk, since Falin is actively protective of him unlike the dragons who reluctantly listen to him, her being very fast and intense about it doesn’t have to be forced… It’d be interesting if she can sense his feelings, wants or thoughts, bc I don’t think it’s as conscious as like, telepathically communicating "hey you, do this"…? Pondering, pondering. Mind bond <3 Soulbound <3

They’re both very trapped in the past… I wonder if as Faligon a lot of her mind goes back to memories of Laios and such, if she’s in a dreamlike state and not just sort of absent, where would her mind retreat... I don’t think so like I said I think she’s mostly driven by dragonlike mindlessness, but still… Thistle stuck in the search of Delgal, thinking back to everything they’ve shared and where it all went wrong obsessively, and Falin, sort of larping that she’s still beside Laios, not unlike how Thistle treats having the corpses of the royal family at his house like them being safe. Delusions. Idk I just want more character studies.

The metaphors in this truly… It’s not literal, like def not something that happens during canon at no point are they or could be ever atop a mountain of frames and paintings of the Golden Kingdom’s royal family and fine art lmaoo, so then like the meaning behind it all… She offers him reprieve, an outsider from all the Golden Kingdom expectations and drama, just someone warm to lean on, someone who’ll stay…….. I love Faligon pushing him to rest and nap so much. Man has first nap in a thousand years. Feather duvet like a nice warm pillow. The peace she offers him man……. Live in the present bbygirl Unfortunately it doesn't help. Look at them eyebags… Man needs to sleep!!

Part 2

^ This panels drives me crazy It’s the possessivity. It’s the "my". It’s the "stealing".

What if you have fear of abandonment and think you have to prove your worth for people to stay by your side. What if belonging to someone makes you feel like you belong and you feel loved and soothed by it lowkey, feel like it makes things easy. What if I was bought as a slave and servant but I was adopted into a pretty loving family. What if ownership is what love looks like to me. What if that’s why I have no problem rationalizing keeping people against their will in a glorified kingdom-prison, because that’s just what someone with the power who Knows Better does, and… Did he always call her his dragon hello? Feelings

He is not letting it go damn He hates when people mess with what's his. Or Delgal’s.

But imagine. The dragon is like, the last thing he has. The Golden Kingdom has moved on from him, everything is shit, but his dragon is the last thing he still has some realm of like. Ownership over. But that ownership is kinda just his sense of belonging. His role, his duty.  So it’s like "Don’t steal the last thing I have" especially if post-canon… It’s thinking from his time as a jester bought into a loving family that ownership is natural in love and care. It’s thinking that’s the way you get to belong beside someone, beside earning that through achievements and being useful and capable. Everything is being stolen away from him. Control and things and people and even the importance he has to the Golden Kingdom as he becomes part of the background & past history and the kingdom switches into new hands aka Laios’…

My dragon, not the dragon. I do like to imagine especially after the berries he’s starting to feel differently about her. He keeps being like "you’re acting odd, dragon". His dragon is special. She’s not just another regular monster npc to easily replace, there’s human contact in there. His dragon just for him. <3

I do think Falin has some issues with like, asking to be with the people she loves, feeling safe in asking for that, that she’s worth that. She follows them and is quiet and just takes the crumbs of love that they offer, she doesn’t ask Marcille at the academy to spend lunches with her, doesn’t ask anything of her distant busy father and ill anxious mother… The person she did ask things of, Laios, who she always asked to go travel the world with him and whatnot, left her behind. Like how Delgal left Thistle. Theme of leaving </3 theme of family and abandonment issues </3 So she just follows and cares after them and makes herself useful and is grateful she gets to be beside them at all. So yeah what I’m saying is being owned/belonging to someone might feel yeah like, belonging. Being One Person's. He’s seen her at her worst and most bloody and raw, and still wants her? Very comforting And especially post-canon he doesn’t need her to be witty or useful or such, he just needs her love and that’s what she has lots to give.

Do you think Falin wants to be needed… Do you think she’s a little restless if she doesn’t feel like she is, like she thinks just like Laios people might leave you behind and you never see them again.  It’s also because of what she said, that she put others before herself, that she just followed/imprinted on her parents/Laios/Marcille. She avoided conflict, she wanted to be liked and live in peace. The only times she was selfish, she hurt people (left school for Laios, sacrificed herself for them, teleported them out despite possibly hurting people on the surface), so she chooses to be selfless instead. "One of the most selfish things i've ever done was barely even for the sake of myself" - Falin and Toshiro both hah Falin is often told she doesn’t care the right way or not enough, you’re cutting classes Falin, I’m upset you left me and you don’t even seem to think it’s a big deal Falin, you shouldn’t have sacrificed yourself to save me (her not noticing her ostracization in her village wasn’t told to her but I’m including it also). And with Toshiro when considering her proposal, she was worried to accept because yeah it’s have been convenient but she wouldn’t be reciprocating his feelings in the way he wants and expected her to with what he asked of her… And she’s worried it wouldn’t be right… Bc she doesn’t care about the proposal on the same level he does….. I just think that’s neat I think that Falin caring both too little and too much, with laser focus on Laios & Marcille neglecting even herself, is a big part of her. She focuses on others and their emotional needs so so much always, babygirl be selfish for a while…

Thistle’s interaction with Laios is interesting too, especiaoly when Kaios heals him. How he looks at his shoulder, surprised and confused… Guy who's used to not having his personal needs met because he's so busy doing everything for the people he cares about receives care??? Woah that’s crazy Something something being so unused to human contact and affection that you don’t know how to process it and don’t recognize it when it happens/stares you right in the face. Thistle the Toudens are gonna make you open up ur heart to humans again on god…

What if… He doesn’t want to admit she’s not the dragon. If he admits it’s not the dragon that means giving up some control… This was not in his plan, he doesn’t know how well he can control a chimera rather than a dragon, it’s weakness it’s vulnerability it’s feeling like he’s losing his grip on everything again and thus losing his place and purpose. Hmm…

Finding yourself through someone else… Because defining yourself through others is what you’ve always done… Yeah. Yeah.

I do love it tying into Falin’s arc of finding herself. Like, she doesn’t remember her time as a chimera, she just remembers this guy she has conflicted but fond feelings of for some reason, so say if they travel post-canon, traveling with him would also be a way to figure out more how she’s feeling, and then there’s how when looking at him she gets the feeling that it’s been a long time he hasn’t lived for himself either… And like for him traveling is about seeing the world a bit too. Seeing it not as something to control or always dangerous but something to explore, and just enjoy the little things instead of worrying about the court. And just. Aghhhh. He hasn’t had someone on his side for centuries. Sighs. Of course Yaad also becomes that largely but traveling post-canon with Falin… Would love to see that in fancontent

Them growing to SEE each other, with the film in front of their eyes slowly fading away. Both of them coming out of it more genuine than they’d been even before meeting, before becoming warped, growing more comfortable in their skin and with the thought of connecting with others. It’s the mutual care <33 it’s having been on each other’s side at both your ugliest <3 Unconventional caring...

Toshiro saying "you can’t tie down a dragon" is always so good… Someone should so do stuff with that. "But you can tame it" / "I tried to once" / "but she chose to stay with me anyways"… Musical theme of How to Train your Dragon starts playing in the distance

When/after they get together, I feel like their relationship isn’t something they like to label… If anything it’s like. Partner. Or calling each other by name… Him calling her my dragon, except now it’s warm and personal would be so. Aughh <3 But then that just also makes the first time he calls her by name so huge.

Conclusion

They and their relationship is weird and unusual but that’s just how they are, and how they need to accept themselves (again: as they are) and roll with it! And make a place in the world for them anyways!

Magic forced them to be vulnerable in front of each other but it’s them who have to like… Be pushed out of their passivity and do something with that vulnerability.

BROTHERSSS THEY’RE BOTH ALL ABOUT BROTHERS. LEAVING. OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY. OUT OF TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN IDENTITY. In a twisted way only the other would understand what it’s like.

Thistlin is so crazy, in humanizing you it humanizes me, in recognizing you for what you are I get more back in touch with the world again.

Flighted birds have hollow bones. With freedom there are risks and drawbacks. Thistle was Falin’s.

It’s not everyday you can have a ship where both characters are out of touch with reality and others and themselves and have this weird almost innate bond of her being compelled to protect him and care for him and him holding onto that unknowingly… Even if he didn’t need to, keeping her by himself and sitting on her while he plans and has a panic attack….. And also he owns her and robbed her of her freedom & body & full mind but she still wuvs him. Weird intimacy with the guy who horrifically changed you into something else, and yet is not even aware he has done it.

Falin loves nature and Thistle is named after a flower… Her post-canon coming across wild thistles and feeling a rush of fondness and she doesn’t know why… Thistles have thorns, but they taste sweet. Just gotta peel them off and enjoys the sweet taste of it once it’s open <3 Eat it like them honeysuckles

Slice of life 40k words thistlin sitcom I need you. Don’t make me write it myself. Sob

You are so so close sweetie…

wutiwant

I don't know what I want But I know it's not this These words don't mean nothing Once they left my lips More awake inside of my dreams Was that really you, next to me? Give me what I want, who am I supposed to please? Who am I supposed to please? Who am I? Who am I? I? Give me what I want Give me what I want

Some links, since the pair is small enough that finding stuff for them can be hard: Falin & Thistle search on pixiv Falin & Thistle search on danbooru Ao3: Thistle x Falin, Thistle & Falin Ship names: ファリシス / シスファリ. Thistlin

My own spotify playlists: Thistle & Falin, Thistle, Falin

source v

[a-rock-at-the-bottom-of-a-river]

I think one of the hardest things about having a qpr is what you tell people about it. I recently became official queer platonic partners with someone and we've agreed we will tell our close friends, and if strangers ask us if we're dating we'll just say yes because it's easier and I don't want to come out as aromantic to people I don't know well.

The really complicated thing is what we'll tell our families. My partner has their own situation so I'll just talk about mine. Right now my family knows we are best friends and a couple of them know that we were friends with benefits. I have three options. The first is the truth: I don't want to come out to my family as aro, I'm not ready yet. My sister has said before that she both doesn't believe that aromanticism is a thing and she doesn't think platonic partnerships work out long term, so it would be very difficult and I don't think I or our relationship will be accepted and understood.

The second is lying and saying that we are dating and in a romantic relationship. This would make both of us uncomfortable, and it would mean I would be completely lying about my identity and feelings. My sister has been questioning me a lot about my feelings towards my partner and insisting that we really feel romantically for each other, so if I lied and told her we were dating she'd be very smug and I would hate it. Just the thought of it is awful.

The third option is lying again and just continuing to say we are best friends with benefits. This feels wrong because I feel like it's downplaying how important my partner is to me and the kind of relationship we have. People are already suspicious, so I don't think that explanation would hold up for long and it's already hard to explain without outing myself. We are planning that my family will meet my partner in the summer, and we do behave like a couple so we would definitely be questioned if I go with this option.

I really don't know what to do, and when you consider my extended family it becomes even more complicated. Sometimes I remember those posts that made fun of qprs and said that "it's just best friends haha cringey ace aro people" and it makes me so mad. It's more than that, and I feel that this struggle proves that. It's giving me a lot of anxiety, if anyone has advice I would really really appreciate it.

[aroaceconfessions]

I watched JaidenAnimation's video on not being straight, and it got me thinking a lot about myself. I know 100% I am asexual, something that I'm so proud of being. Then I started thinking about being aromantic. I thought I was pan, but started putting serious thought into things. I don't think I've ever had a crush in real life. I've thought I've had crushes on fictional characters, but thinking even more about that, I realize it was other factors, that I was aesthetically attracted, or desired a qpr, or some gender envy maybe (I have no idea what gender I am, maybe agender?)

And all of a sudden I got flashbacks to the only time someone had genuinely confessed to liking me. He was a great guy, someone I considered a friend, he admitted he liked me, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and thought I felt something for him too, and I told him I liked him too, but I realize now that it wasn't romantic attraction I was feeling for him. I didn't know what to do after I had messaged back 'oh I like you too, (something along those lines)' I didn't spend my time reading romance books, I was much more interested in mystery books and my own fantasy worlds then boys or girly stuff (Afab but a huge tomboy) So I bluntly asked 'does this mean we're dating now?' And as soon as I got that confirmation I had this overwhelming feeling wash over me, like a massive feeling of uncomfort, like something was wrong, not unlike a panic attack if I could really compare it to anything. And it didn't last even 10 minutes before I'd messaged him again that I don't think a relationship was a good idea at the time (this was when I was middle school mind you) and the feeling went away.

And piecing that all together right now, I realized I might be aromantic. And I got a smaller shock just like that time when I was 'dating someone.' I don't want to say it's fear for being aromantic, cause honestly it seems amazing being aromantic, but at the same time I don't know if I actually want a relationship, if I crave one, and to have to power through that feeling, or if I just want to be close to someone. Sometimes I want more then anything to be held and cuddle with someone, and it's such a strong feeling, that sometimes I don't notice how gross it (namely touch) makes me feel underneath. And then sometime after that overwhelming want, it's massive touch aversion, like the slightest human contact is horrible, and something I'd never want to do. And then after that period, I'm back to neutral, I guess, to touch? After that's, it's like I don't like touch unless I know it's coming or I initiate it, for anyone. That being my mom, my little brother, people I've known a while. And it stays that way until all of a sudden out of no where, that want is back. Then after that, huge touch aversion, then 'normal.' A cycle everytime.

Around the same time, middle school, is when I found out about x readers (unsupervised internet time) and thought that was my chance to engage like some others do, but thinking on it now, I always wanted just the familial, platonic aspect, the closeness that was always portrayed, not the romantic aspect. I don't think I ever really wanted a lover, but just someone to be there for me, someone I trust more then anyone.

Sorry, this was a bit all over the place but yea

[younmexreaders]

If you know who dark taranza from kirby is, and you know what queerplatonic is/how to write it, can you write a queerplatonic x reader for him?

I know Taranza but I have only written a couple QPR's before. And those requesters seemed to like them so hopefully this works out!

~~ Dark Taranza & Reader ~~

The Mirror of my Birth

You and Taranza have been close for a long time. He finally shows you to the mirror where he was crafted. A moment of vulnerability.

Gender Neutral Reader & Dark Taranza | 586 words

Includes:

no warnings

"Are you sure? You don't have to do this, DT. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable," you followed close behind the shadowy arachnid as he picked his way through the ruins of an arena. Whatever destroyed the place seemed powerful and recent. Tension pricked at the back of your neck, your hands wringing nervously.

"I have to show you," he stated with a sharp nod, continuing ahead without looking back. That was very like him. Charging ahead without a second thought. You grimaced and trotted faster.

Being here brought a lot of bad memories to DT. He still had the cracked crystalline limbs to remember how he was so callously betrayed by his fellow shadow reflection. If it weren't for you finding him and nursing him, he wouldn't be here. If you had not offered him a place to stay, if you had not kept him safe and secure, if you had not insisted his life was worth living, he wouldn't continue trying to survive. For you, the one who cared. The one who encouraged. He wanted to repay you somehow. Despite how often you insisted there was no need.

Knowledge is a powerful thing. To thank you, he'd show you, tell you, everything there was to know about him.

"It's not far now."

"DT, seriously..." you muttered, climbing over the remaining half wall with some effort. You didn't have 6 arms to climb with, making the action an ordeal. DT waited on the other side of the wall. You sighed heavily, dusting yourself off and shaking your head. "This place is still dangerous even so long out of commission."

"Just let me do this," DT huffed, his temper flaring. You raised your hands in surrender and stepped back. You made no other protests.

Deep in the depths of the arena, there was a tall fixture with a massive tarp thrown over it. DT held a pair of hands up to halt you at the entrance to the dilapidated chamber. You dusted the debris off of your pants and looked up at the tarp with a brow raised.

"What's this then?"

"This... is what I wanted to show you," DT strung silk to the ceiling and raised himself to the center of the fixture. He grabbed the tarp with all 6 hands and yanked roughly, revealing the tall mirror with a void filling the glass, swirling with dark energy and vast galaxies. It's frame was onyx and silver, decorated beautifully with a menacing aura. You stared up at it in awe and watched as the tarp fell into a heap between you and the mirror. "This is where I came from. The Black Mirror."

"Wow..."

DT descended from the air, disconnecting the silk and landing on his feet. You watched the dark, swirling vortex in the glass with awe.

"I was created here. This is the mirror of my birth," he flourished his hands, flicking a wrist in reveal.

"It's beautiful," you nodded, tilting your head. "But why are...?"

"I want you to know about me. Everything there is to know," DT's tone was soft and contemplative. He cast his gaze down, unable to gaze upon the mirror proper. You noticed he refused to look at it the entire time. You weren't going to press on that. You didn't need to. You looked around, finding a broken pillar that you could use. You dusted it off and sat on it, hands folded in your lap.

"Tell me whatever you want, Dark Taranza. I'm here to listen."

[bluemoon160]

【IᑎTᖇOᗪᑌᑕTIOᑎ】 💙🌌

Hey everyone! My name is Rosalind but I also go by Ross or Ros. OR you could call me by my internet names Blue or Bluemoon if you’d like! (It’s a lot of names I know lol sorry. Just pick whatever).

I’m a 20yo artist, writer, and editor who will be mostly focusing on fanart, self ship, furry content, and maybe some cosplay on this blog. I do have a business focused on my published books, OCs, and editing services which you can find here if you’re interested. I’m more active over on those accounts since I work on that stuff almost full time now but I try and post fan/personal content when I can. This blog specifically will be a place for all my self indulgent interests. I may not be super active here but will try to anyway :)

【ᗪIᔕᑕᒪᗩIᗰEᖇ】

Skip ahead to read more about me, my, interests, and who I ship with, etc. But in the meantime, I need to get this out of the way and say that I really wanna make new friends here but I’m also hesitant to rejoin any sort of self ship and/or fan communities because of how many horrible experiences I’ve had with them before. Perhaps Tumblr is different but I wanted to put this out here for my own peace of mind lol. So please be patient with me. I grew up in fandom and self ship spaces that had constant arguments about literally everything. I didn’t even know what half of these discourses were even about and everything I’ve learned has been against my will. So no, this is not me “taking a side”, I just don’t want to be apart of drama anymore. My morals are this: live and let live unless you’re supporting/romanticizing anything immoral. If you have genuine critiques about how I portray certain things then definitely let me know since I’m always concerned about how I represent stuff, but aside from that, this is just a blog to talk about stuff I like so let’s keep it chill please. 🧍‍♂️

【ᗩᗷOᑌT ᗰE】

⭐My full name Rosalind B. Sterling (or you can call me by the other names listed above)

⭐I’m 20 (covered that lol)

⭐I’m bi and aroace (I also sometimes use the term procul but I don’t identify with it as a sexuality. Just an add on term for my asexuality to explain how my sexual attraction fades away once my relationship with someone becomes real).

⭐I’m genderfluid and my pronouns are she/he/they

⭐I’m mixed race/Puerto Rican

⭐I’m neurodivergent (OCD, MaDD, and a few other things) so tone tags would be great to use around me but they’re not required

⭐I currently live Ohio (yes I’ve heard all the jokes and they’re honestly pretty accurate lmao)

⭐My favorite colors are aqua, bright purple, hot pink, and neon green

【ᖴ/O's】

Note: some of these characters might come from controversial media. I just like them for personal/creative/self indulgent reasons so don’t interact if these make you uncomfortable.

“Main” f/o’s

(Putting this in quotes since I hardly ever talk about these characters nowadays. They’ve just been my main for a while and I feel too attached to take them off the list)

⭐Dan {Dan Vs.} (Started shipping 7 years ago)

⭐Gary {Final Space} (Starting shipping 6 years ago).

Current main:

⭐ Alastor {Hazbin Hotel} (Started shipping 4 years ago) And before anyone comes after me with the “but he’s aroace!” comments, I know that and I don’t erase it. I’m aroace too and kind of imagine him and my S/I being in a possible QPR type thing. I still have developing to do. I just like the thought of two aroaces hitting it off and bonding closely. I take a lot of comfort in him as a fellow aroace so leave me be please 😭

⭐The Narrator and Stanley {The Stanley Parable} (This one’s a polyship and is pretty recent. Been shipping for about 7 months now)

Other f/o’s:

⭐Pinkie pie {MLP}

⭐Reagan {Inside job}

⭐Jinx {Arcane}

Other characters I like but don't consider f/o’s:

⭐Connor {Detroit Become Human}

⭐The Warden {Superjail}

⭐Andre {Inside Job}

⭐Ken {Barbie Movie}

⭐Mike {fnaf movie}

⭐️Rarity {MLP}

⭐Reigen {Mob Psycho 100}

⭐Archer {Archer} (It's always the walking red flags that get me 😔)

Familial/platonic f/o’s:

The only ones I can think of rn is Angel Dust from Hazbin Hotel. I kinda see them all like family tbh but specifically Angel Dust. Also maybe Kirk from Star Trek. Like we’d definitely be besties I’m so fr.

There’s probably more but I’d have to think about it.

【KIᑎs】

⭐Reagan {Inside job}

⭐Brett {Inside job}

⭐Moxxie {Helluvaboss}

⭐️ Millie {Helluvaboss}

⭐Tina {Bob’s burgers} (This one’s so funny to me but it’s so true. She’s literally me in every way possible😭)

Am I comfy sharing any of my f/os and kins?

Yes! I’m fine having doubles. I used to hate it a few years back but now that my mental health is a little more in check and I don’t have to rely on self shipping for major comfort like I used to, I no longer feel bothered by that. It was unhealthy anyway. Not to judge anyone who hates having doubles. I understand folks have pretty valid reasons for it. I just realized the attachment I had to these characters was turning into an unhealthy kind of obsession and was hurting me more than helping. I’m out of that place now luckily. I still self ship for comfort reasons but it’s not as in ease as it was before and mostly just for funsies now. If you're comfy sharing and we have doubles, totally message me so we can gush and ramble together! I love doing that 🫶💖

【ᗰY ᖴᑌᖇᔕOᑎᗩ】

Putting this here too since I'll probbaly be sharing furry stuff whenever I get the chance. So here is my eyesore of a fursona which is a wolf/fox/bat hybrid with a scene kid aesthetic who looks like every middle school edgelord oc deisgn vomited into one character. But idc honestly. I’m not doing anything serious with her and am just having fun. I also might use her for self shipping if I end up F/Oing any anthro characters but idk.

Art credit goes to coral-kun

【IᑎTEᖇEᔕTᔕ】

⭐Anything sci fi, crime, or comedy

⭐Any time era from before the 2010s. Though I specifically love the 20s-50s, and 80s-2000s the best :)

⭐Cartoons. Specifically for adults. Adult swim is literally my go to channel lol

⭐Reading, writing, art, crafting, etc

⭐Space, science, dinosaurs/paleontology and history

⭐Animals and zoos

⭐Conspiracy theories and mysteries

⭐Anything horror, paranormal, or creepy pasta

【ᑕᒪOᔕIᑎG】

And that's it! I hope I can meet some new friends and stuff but also predict that my reach won't be all that huge since I've never had massive luck with algorithms. Especially as of late. But if you're seeing this, don't be afraid to message me or interact! I love meeting new folks :3

[chicago-poet]

idk i went back and forth on whether to post this bc i dont make a lot of posts and idk why i expect people to care but also i do want to tell someone and have other people know so.

super long confusing musings on my sexuality and stuff under the cut. its long so u dont have to read it but id like it if u could like the post if u wanted please n thank u 💖💖

like ok so for a long time now ive id'ed as an ace lesbian and felt at home with that and now bc of circumstances and reasons ive started thinking again.

but a part of me has always felt so disconnected from other lesbians like they all understood something i didnt and i loved the solidarity and community of being a lesbian but i didnt really understand such a big part of it. wrt being in love and sex and all. like i think i confused wanting that closeness and intimacy as being the same thing as feeling it.

and like i guess the turning point of that is that like i do want companionship and someone in my life but the way i want it is never the way other people do even through casual dating etc like sex and romance...the way i want those things are so specific to me and its feels like a venn diagram thats a circle and no one else is ever going to share that with me. maybe someday but its such a slim window to fit into that i cant expect it of other people right now.

but ive been reading abour qprs bc thats another thing ive been super critical on in the past (and i still kinda cringe hearing it) and i mean on one hand qweerplatonic feels like one of those tumblrisms thats code for "my discord relationship" and i feel like when you have a community based on a lack of something people fill the vacuum with like. fandoms and strawman comics. like im adult that pays taxes i dont have squishes on anyone.

but like that aside. i do get it. i like my independence and not having to compromise on things and it would be nice to have a life partner who is similar in those things but still wants the emotional intimacy and exclusivity and commitment of a partner. and qpr is like the best way to explain what i need to other people ig

and in that way i finally understood that like. being acearo is a very specific way to want a connection with someone and u do need words for that so u can find other people like u bc most people dont feel like that and its not wrong to want words to explain what u want to other people and if qpr is the best way to phrase it then i guess im stuck with it.

and then its like so do i feel attraction??? have i ever? but im still gay?? how can i be gay and also acearo? but it makes sense to me bc like i want a partner someday and it is more than a friendship. like in the past ive had very intense girl friendships that blurred the line where we would cuddle and hold hands and talk abot getting married and everyone negged us about dating/thought we were dating and ive always been the one to shy away from it when it came down to finally confront it.

but then when it comes time to say if were gfs i just....dodge the question forever. and i feel guilty about stringing ppl along like that bc i know they want something more than that and im ignoring it. like ive always been happiest in that gray undefined zone thats more than friendship but not quite dating.

like ive always been free with affection and then uncomfortable when someone (understantably) wants it to mean something more. ive always been the one whos not as into the other person while theyre enamoured with me. like my ex just used to gaze at me and say they love me and id be like .....thanks....you too! bc i did love them and i thought we wanted the same things. but it was complicated.

ALL THIS is to say that if i do enter in some kind of life partnership somehow it would still be with a woman or non binary person most likely bc i feel most comfortable with them and still dont like men in that way. so im still gay?

but u know. i identified as bi before as a lesbian before and then an ace lesbian so right now im in a phase of my life where aromantic asexual lesbian is the best way to describe me and im okay with that. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone else but me. it can be contradictory and confusing and "incorrect" but like if thats what i feel descibes me best then thats how im gonna be. its lonely but its also freeing because at least now i realize that i know what i want and i can have what i want if i meet the right person someday.

flowers for u if u read this far down💐💐💐💐💐💐 thank u to anyone who read any of that.

[queerplatonicpositivity]

Hi, so, this might be very rambly and I'm not sure what specific question to ask but I'm mostly looking for advice.

I'm AroAce Queerplatonic and romance-averse (in simple terms). I don't interpret all commonly romance-coded actions as romantic, and I may actively want to do those. However, I specifically interpret kissing as 100% romantic. That's where my problem comes in.

My QPP joked about us kissing and I got nervous. The thing is, I don't know if I was flustered or uncomfortable, and I genuinely don't know if I would be okay with kissing them even after I had time to think about it.

It's left me feeling very confused and questioning my aro identity because I never thought I might actually be okay with this. I know action =/= attraction but it's still making me feel weird.

It normally makes me feel gross to even think about kissing someone but I do, on the rare occasion, daydream about it. It never bothered me before because daydreams don't mean I want to do it IRL and I never wanted to kiss a real person but now this situation is adding to it and I'm questioning myself.

Do you have any advice on figuring this out? Or reassurance. I may be overthinking this, honestly. Anything is appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Hi, Anon! I definitely want to offer you reassurance that this can happen and can be common. It's okay if you feel like kissing is 100% romantic to you, while understanding that kissing can be 0% romantic for other people, or somewhere in-between. Lots of people identify as aro and still want to engage in kissing -- in fact, alloaros experience sexual attraction and often act on that attraction to engage in kissing and sex, and they're still 100% aro. So your complex feelings about this situation don't have to change your aro identity.

As far as figuring things out goes, I'm a big fan of not letting what you do determine how you identify. Your feelings about this situation with kissing don't have to change how you identify. You get to identify as aro if you want to, regardless of any of this.

An important question might be how you decide to navigate this with your qpp. All relationships (including qprs) thrive with clear communication, so you could consider sitting down with your qpp and talking through this with them. If you decide you're not okay with kissing or even jokes about kissing, you can communicate that and set that boundary with them.

Sending gentle thoughts your way, Anon -- please feel free to update us, too!

[aspec-advice]

So I'm friends with this person, they know I'm aro ace since the day we meet, and they're great, really sweet and funny and I really do like them and treasure their friendship a lot

And the other they asked if we could meet, and long story short, they told me they're in love with me, and they were already expecting a rejection, and I guess I wasn't thinking well, but I said I liked them too, not romantically, obviously, but we talked and thought it could work as a qpr

I like the intimacy, the cuddles and the kisses, they see those as romantic, but I don't and I would cuddle with other friends of mine if I had the chance, I dont see any of them as more important then one or the other, and it feels like, understandably, it upsets them that they're not as special to me as I am to them?

And then theres this big romantic things they said to me and gifts they gave me, and i appreciate it, but it's way to much for me, it's overwhelming, I can't take it and honestly it feels almost like an allergic reaction to all those romantic gestures? If that makes sense? And on top of that I've always been a person that needs a lot of space and time for myself, and they're not

There's been some miscommunication between us, I can see that, but I don't know how to talk about what I'm feeling and I don't want to seem like I'm leading them on or something

I kinda just started rambling, so I'm sorry if what I wrote was confusing, I know they're hurt, and I'm hurt, and I feel like it's my fault

hello!! that situation absolutely sucks ass!!! i'm sorry you're dealing with that and i'm sorry that they're dealing with that. first of all, i don't think it was fair to you that this person told you they were in love with you because that changes literally everything, they said they were expecting a rejection that would mean that your friendship would be changed and could quite possibly end which is a really weird pressure to consider on your part. it's not fair to you and they shouldn't have done it. secondly, you shouldn't have told them that you liked them back, i understand that it's a really weird situation to be in but it's not fair to them to do that because that could translate as "oh i'm not actually aro and i want the romance stuff" like that's not what you're saying but they could read it as that. essentially, mistakes were made and now we have a larger predicament. the best thing to do in this situation is to break things off with them, which might mean losing a friend which is not fun at all but the alternative is continuing this and then letting it accumulate until it's more agonizing for you and much more heartbreaking for them. it's easier said than done, but once it is done things will hopefully be much better for you and they will be able to find a romantic partner who can be in love with them in the way that they want. my advice is to be straight up, tell them there was pressure on you to reciprocate, even though it isn't necessarily romantic reciprocation, and that you're uncomfortable. in the long run that will be better for both you and them even if it will be an absolute pain to do. just be honest, it's the best thing to do in this situation and all situations.

mars

(side note: it's definitely not your fault, this is not something that has only one person to blame, both of you made mistakes and those mistakes led to unhappiness on your part and probably longing for more on their part)

[zero-braincells-left]

hey i only read the post about once but i did get the general idea of it and i just wanted to drop by a little thing since you mentioned you wanted others opinions. i think you have the right to be upset by this especially since they're your friends and having those who you care about make an insensitive joke like that while also trying to defend it, really hurts

i've gone through this myself personally and it can get really upsetting in the moment when you're trying to defend your beliefs against those you care about, and even more if it's against more than one person

it can really feel isolating but its important to know that you have a reason to feel this way and all your beliefs are valid even if those you care about don't agree. your own thoughts and opinions matter, they are valid and they are important

its hard to verbalize your thoughts like that especially because you feel a sense of panic and discomfort trying to defend yourself as fast and as hard as possible. and when the conversation changes, it's easy to ignore it and then move on because it's already done. but this isn't a good way to handle it because you're ignoring your own feelings (which are important) and the core issue

in my case i took a deep breath, expressed how the situation made me feel and the discomfort that came from my opinions being disregarded immediately, and then said i was going away for a break in order to calm down and sort my thoughts out

my friends understood this and apologized for the way they treated me, then promised to try and listen next time, which they followed through with. (one of my friends asked me to explain a qpr a few months after instead of disregarding me)

healthy friendships hinge on proper communication and understanding, friends will listen to you when you communicate and then put into action how they can make it better. they value the way you feel and will stop whenever they do something that makes you uncomfortable, as long as you communicate it and give them the chance

if they waste that chance, then that's a whole nother thing to think about and reflect on, but hopefully they will take the chance and try to aid it (i also find it important to say that if your values and their values dont align, then its not a good fit. i'm happy to elaborate more on this if asked)

now about the actual argument, it was insensitive to joke about being gay for a week because it made being gay as less of an actual sexuality and more of a joke. they argued that a person can change their sexuality and that doesn't really have to do with the fact that they made the joke and they're straight. not to mention the fact that they used being gay in order to make you do something as if it was some kind of punishment. like oh no, i'll be gay for a week if you do this, how horrible and embarrassing. yk? that is pretty homophobic

anyways i'm really sorry if this was long and hard to read, this is usually how i am with stuff like this but those are my thoughts on the whole situation and you're free to take or to not take what i said. do let me know if anything i said made you uncomfortable or if it was too presumptuous, im always open to others pointing those things out and i would be grateful to know about that kind of stuff

you can choose whether or not to post this. i wish you the best of luck with your friends and hopefully you can end up with a situation that makes you happy. respect yourself and have a good day <3

ty <3

also dw I didn’t mind this being too long, I’m very thankful for the effort you put into writing this!

(Under this part also goes more into a rant! Woo!)

honestly I do agree with a lot of the points you made, and I did say in my original post that there are definitely things I could have done better.

the thing (unrelated to your post btw) that bothers me the most about this whole incident though, was the fact that I didn’t know why I was upset. i know that my opinions are valid, and I know that in the end of the day, we’re all just kids. my friends were raised differently, in less accepting households, unlike me. i believe one (or maybe both?) of them were raised with some sort or religion, and with strict parents, and I wasn’t. i was always taught that you can love whoever and identify however you want and that’s ok.

i know that they’re just oblivious and don’t understand as well as I do, so I didn’t feel like my opinions were invalidated during the argument.

but I just don’t get why I was so upset. I’m thinking maybe it’s because I didn’t win the argument? i often have trouble admitting I’m wrong, and I guess I might have been upset that I couldn’t get them to understand?

but at the same time, I was able to step back and acknowledge the fact that I mentioned earlier—they’re not intentionally trying to invalidate or upset me, they’re just uneducated and repeating back what they’re heard and what they’re learned during their lives and I don’t want to hold that against them.

honestly what I think bothered me so much was the fact that these are my friends. well, these are people that im not close with but are still kinda friends? and it’s not even that fact alone that bothers me. it’s the idea of friendship, friendships I’ve had, all the fucking arguments and misunderstandings and all the times my other “friends” have accidentally or purposely tried to make me feel worthless just so that they can be better, more correct, whatever the fuck. for the past 2 years I haven’t been able to make a friendship that could last, let alone one that was good for me. the best friends I’ve had, I got close with and then slowly and painfully fell out of touch with, or we just stopped talking.

then again, we have one prominent friendship I only officially stopped being friends with this year. he used my kindness against me and I felt like his fucking servant. and I couldn’t leave this friendship because I was his only “female” friend (he had joked rather insensitively about me being genderfluid, and everyone still calls me a she anyways because I look really feminine), and I was the only person he could talk to. and fuck, guess what, he’s got a shit ton of issues too. and then, I confronted him about this (in the message I sent, I was honestly such a fucking asshole. i said things that were probably a bit much, and ran with the assumption that he treated me like shit on purpose.

he responded, and was nice about it. he apologized and said that he had realized how it might seem like he was using me, and he didn’t mean to, and that he didn’t know how to change himself. at the end of the message, he said: “just know that, and I mean this, from the bottom of my heart- you are the best friend anyone could ask for. i just normally hang out with people that are dumb and stupid, I just want to be on good terms”

and that fucking broke me. I knew I should have listened to that voice in my head that knew he wouldn’t purposely do anything he did with malicious intent.

and after the incident we were a lot closer, but the next year (this year) we just stopped hanging out. we share one class, and right now he sits behind me and makes fun of me (again, not even in a malicious way. just completely empty and meaningless remarks that I just think are annoying.)

and I have so many more friendships that aren’t working, that feel one sided, unless they want something from me. and I think the argument reminded me that,, they’re all the same. i don’t have good friends. and it seems for every good friend and genuine friend I thought I had, there’s 3 more unhealthy friends I get too attached to.

That’s another problem, I get way too attached to people way too easily. i get too attached, but then can’t trust anyone, even my closest friends. because I’ve gotten myself in the mindset that everyone is going to abandon or mistreat me in the end.

but then I still tell people secrets?? and they keep them?? but i still don’t trust them.. huh. wtf.

ok. we got off topic there. holy shit that was a long rant. anyways, in short: I think the argument just reminded me that my friends are shitty. all my friends are shitty. it then got me thinking about all my other shitty friends, and that made me feel more shitty!

anyways, my way of calming down after this was kinda weird. step 1: cling to pillow and cry for no reason

step 2: friend (in the server argument happened in, he wasnt paying attention and didn’t even know what it’s about) is sitting alone in a vc, as always. i join and just sit there muted as he talks about whatever video game he’s playing. i did this because I wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone for a bit, and I think his voice is really soothing :)

step 3: try to think of happy things, but fail because I try to think of good friendships but every friendship I’ve had had so many problems that I’m now actively thinking about.

step 4: try to focus on friends voice instead for a little while and see if I can try to sleep

step 5: leave vc, stop checking tumblr every minute, turn off device, and lay back down.

step 6: try to think about happy things again, remember fictional characters exist (and laugh at past me for forgetting)

step 7: fall asleep

anyways for y’all who have read this whole thing, here are some nice images :)

[relaxxattack]

hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

-

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

-

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

-

CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

For a while I thought I really liked this guy and stuff and he asked me out and of course I said yes and it’s been almost a month and like it’s been fine a groovy but recently the topic of a first kiss and stuff has come us and it’s giving me so much anxiety. I don’t think I want to kiss him. But there was at least one time I thought about it but recently I’ve been very much just…no. And I know I’m on the asexual spectrum and someone on the aro spectrum I just didn’t know where and I’m starting to think what if I didn’t actually like him like that what if it was one of those things where I just want to be friends like a squish and now we’re closer than we were and did enjoy that time we cuddled but I don’t know if I’d kiss him or anything else and I’m stressed and it’s causing me so much anxiety. I don’t know what to do or how to figure this out.

Yeah, these situations can genuinely be really difficult to navigate.

A few things that may help:

It's OK to figure out what you'd rather do in terms of the relationship without figuring out where you are on the aro spectrum. It's OK to not be sure if you're feelings are romantic or platonic but still decide to either stay in this relationship or not.

It's OK to be in a romantic relationship if you're enjoying being in a romantic relationship even if you're not feeling romantic attraction or aren't sure if you are.

It's also OK to be in a romantic relationship but not do kissing. Kissing is actually completely optional, and not something you have to do if it makes you uncomfortable.

It's also OK to talk to the person you're dating and say you're figuring things out and you want to take things slow and give yourself some time to figure out what is the right thing for you. You can even possibly discuss things a bit with him and get his perspective if you're comfortable with that, it may prove helpful.

It is absolutely OK to redefine the kind of relationship you have with this person. Maybe you can discuss QPRs with him if that's something you're interested in. Maybe you can talk about being good friends instead. This one can be tricky because it's impossible to predict how the other person will feel about this, and sometimes they may need time on their own to deal with their feelings. But sometimes people are fine redefining a relationship, and are interested in doing a QPR or friendship, especially when it's still early in the relationship.

It's definitely OK to be selfish and focus on what you want, and that is always the healthiest thing to do in a relationship. Having a type of relationship you don't want for the sake of someone else never goes well, and can often lead to even worse hurt feelings.

So I don't know where you want to go with this, you don't have to follow any of the suggestions above, but absolutely feel free if you want to, and remember that you definitely have options. And there's no deadline here, you have time to think about things and think about what feels right for you. So take a deep breath and take your time on this.

Other things that may help you is if you have someone (other than the person you're dating) you can talk this out with, that can help you gain perspective. Journaling is another technique, and you can google techniques for journaling effectively if you're not sure how to do it.

Go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then it's probably not. If something sounds really appealing, maybe there's a reason for that.

All the best, Anon! And good luck!

[bluejayblueskies]

in the reciprocal

Words: 8.3k

Relationships: Jon & Martin (QPR)

Tags: Season 1, Scottish Safehouse, Light Angst, Queerplatonic Relationships, Gray-Aro Martin, Kiss-Averse Jon, Kiss-Averse Martin

Warnings: internalized arophobia, mild external arophobia, mild internalized homophobia, canon-typical Lonely depression and dissociation, teasing someone about a crush (in a friendly manner), mention of canon character death, Martin briefly pretending like he still has romantic feelings for Jon and participating in a romantic relationship that makes him uncomfortable (this is addressed and resolved)

Ao3 link in source

.

Martin’s relationship with romance has always been … complicated.

He has distinct memories of his early teenage years, when the major topic of conversation had shifted abruptly to who had a crush on who and who had kissed who after school and who had asked who on a date. Martin had never really participated in those conversations, though that could be owed more to the fact that he didn’t have many friends than that he wasn’t interested.

Because Martin was interested. The idea of romance had always intrigued him—a fairy-tale thing where there was somebody who would choose you and love you and never let you be alone ever again—and he wanted, more badly than he knew what to do with sometimes, to be in love.

The world, as Martin quickly learned, was not a fairy tale. No matter how much Martin tried to pretend otherwise. In fairy tales, when people got sick, they eventually got better. In fairy tales, parents always loved their children and showered them with affection. (Or were villainous and cruel, locking their children away in towers and treating them like objects to be discarded. Though Martin was never fond of those stories.) And in fairy tales, love was always easy. It wasn’t something that had to be learned or forced. It was instead like breathing—nearly effortless unless you thought about it too much—and, like breathing, it was something that everyone did.

So Martin couldn’t understand why he was so bad at it.

Just before he’d dropped out of school to work full time after his mother couldn’t anymore, he’d been asked on the first and only date of his entire life. Nino had been his friend for nearly a year and a half, and Martin loved spending time with him more than he loved most things in his life back then. School was growing more difficult as Martin had to take on a second part-time job, his mother was growing sicker and shorter with her temper, and he was quickly coming to the realization that he was … different.

After all, he’d never once felt the same kind of affection toward the girls whose names he attempted to doodle in the corners of his notebooks as he felt toward Nino.

Coming to terms with the fact that his first real crush was on his very lovely, very male best friend was … hard. But one day, Nino had bumped his shoulder against Martin’s as they sat in the library and had said something funny that Martin has long since forgotten, and he’d found himself smiling widely. His heart was a stuttering mess in his chest, his stomach twisted up into knots, and … things hadn’t been so bad, then.

Loving Nino had felt safe. Looking back, Martin is sure that Nino had been able to read all of Martin’s stutters and flushed cheeks and clumsy attempts at affection for what they were, but at the time, it had felt like a private indulgence. Just another way for Martin to spend time with the boy who was gradually becoming the most important person in his life. (Behind his mother, that is. She would always come first.)

What was funny about the whole situation, in a way that was actually not very funny at all, was that Martin was even considering asking Nino out. He liked to fantasize about what it would be like—creating clumsy scenarios in his mind where he would slip a note into Nino’s backpack before they parted ways or blurt it out on their way to the tube or whisper it quietly under his breath in the library so that nobody else could hear it but them. He imagined what it would be like if Nino said yes, his face lighting up with a smile and his hand reaching for Martin’s.

He tried to imagine what would happen after that—the date, the kissing (which he could never quite picture without grimacing and pushing the image quickly away), the hand-holding, the…

Well. He actually wasn’t quite sure what was meant to come after.

(Like breathing. It was supposed to be like breathing.)

It was funny, except it wasn’t. Because when Nino pulled Martin aside on their way home one day, face flushed slightly darker than normal, and hesitantly asked if Martin would like to go to a movie with him in a way that was very clearly meant to be a date, Martin expected to feel happy. He expected to feel relieved, that he hadn’t had to muster up the courage to ask Nino himself, or nervous, that he was finally going to be pursuing a romantic relationship with the boy he cared so much about.

Instead, he felt … stiff. Uncomfortable, like his skin was suddenly just a bit too tight. He felt the sudden urge to hide, or maybe to run, or to vanish into thin air so he didn’t have to be standing here anymore, now desperately trying to avoid the eyes of the boy who had just bared such a vulnerable part of himself to Martin.

Confused, Martin tried to look within himself for that warm, stammering affection that had been there a minute ago and found it transformed into something awkward and tense and devoid of all desire for romance. But that didn’t make any sense, he thought as he stared blankly at Nino, who was becoming increasingly nervous, shifting from foot to foot as his mouth pinched into a thin, anxious line. He remembered liking Nino. He remembered the fantasies, remembered coming up with a thousand scenarios just like this one, remembered stammering and stuttering and wanting so badly to take Nino’s hand in his own.

It was like remembering a story he’d been told. Just a fairy tale.

“You … can just say no,” Nino said finally, and Martin felt a curl of guilt in his stomach at the clear upset in Nino’s eyes. “If you have to think this long, it’s … probably not a yes. Is it.”

Yes, Martin tried to say. It’s a yes—of course it’s a yes, I’m just … surprised. Maybe things would make more sense if they actually went on a date. Maybe Martin would just … sort himself out. He was just surprised, or maybe in shock.

He loved Nino. He did; he knew he did. He just … had to figure out how to bring it back.

He didn’t get the chance. (Though, thinking back on it now, Martin knows that even if he’d tried, it wouldn’t have worked.) Nino pulled back slightly, hands going to the straps of his backpack self-consciously. “Right,” he said, sounding terribly embarrassed, and Martin felt himself mirroring the emotion. “S-sorry, I … I guess I was reading things wrong. I—I thought that you … never mind. It doesn’t matter.” Nino forced a smile then, and it lacked all the bright and shining things that Martin liked about it. “S-suppose I’ll … see you in school tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Martin managed to say. And then Nino was gone, and Martin walked home alone.

He dropped out a few months later. Nino said that he would call, but Martin has always been good at lying and even better at telling when somebody else is doing so. And Nino hadn’t been putting much effort into it.

That was … probably for the best. At least Martin didn’t have to feel that dizzying, sickening sensation of guilt and awkwardness every time he looked at Nino anymore.

So, there it was. The world was nothing like a fairy tale. His mother only ever got sicker, her affection for him only ever grew more a thing of the past, and love was…

Well, love clearly wasn’t for him.

That didn’t stop him from falling hopelessly, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love with Jonathan Sims.

.

.

.

Martin, as a rule, makes a habit of not talking about his love life. For one, because there is a distinct lack of it (a fact that he much prefers but doesn’t generally feel like explaining in detail). And for two, because Martin just knew it would turn into something like this.

Martin places his head in his hands to hide the flaming red of his cheeks. “Can we not talk about it?”

“I think we’re actually obligated to talk about it now,” Tim says with what Martin is absolutely certain is a cheeky grin. “Given that you’ve just admitted that your not-so-mysterious crush is Jonathan Sims.” He drops his voice to an exaggerated conspiratorial murmur. “Is he the one you’ve been writing poetry about then?”

“I don’t have to say anything,” Martin mumbles into the very clammy palms of his hand.

Tim, fortunately, drops the poetry topic. He unfortunately does not drop the crush topic. “I mean, don’t get me wrong,” he continues. “You’ve got good taste. The whole … sweater vest, ‘disgruntled professor’ vibe is attractive, and he’s funny, you know? In his own way.”

Martin lifts his head from his hands and gives Tim an exasperated look that he hopes screams can we please stop talking about this. Tim must misinterpret it as jealousy instead because he holds his hands up in the air placatingly. “Hey, no competition here. We’re just friends, and I’m not really interested in dating anyone at the moment.” A pause. “Though, I suppose if Jon asked, I wouldn’t say—you know what, that’s not helpful.”

“He is pretty hot,” Sasha pipes in from her spot on the break room couch. “I definitely get where you’re coming from.” Then, after Martin turns that same exasperated look onto her: “Just trying to show our support for the cause, Martin.”

“Yeah, well—don’t.” Martin stands, maybe a little bit too abruptly, and crosses the room to where the kettle sits on the counter. He fills it in the sink and then clicks it on, the blue light reflecting off the countertop and faintly illuminating his hands.

“Hey,” Tim says, leaning against the counter next to him and giving him a surprisingly serious look. “I’m sorry. If talking about this makes you uncomfortable, we’ll drop it.” He mimes zipping his lips closed and throwing away the key. “No questions asked.”

“I’m pretty sure talking afterward negates the ‘zipping your lips shut’ thing,” Martin says, which earns him an amused huff of laughter and a gentle elbow in the side. He finds himself smiling, if only briefly before it falls from his lips once again. “And it’s … fine. I’m not upset. It’s just…” He hesitates, considering, and settles on a suitably vague, “It’s complicated.”

Tim makes a noise of understanding. “Say no more, Marto. Consider the subject dropped.”

“Thank you.”

There are a few moments of silence between them, filled only with the gentle hum of the kettle. Martin reaches for the mugs, and as he pulls four from the cabinet, Tim says abruptly, “So wait—is that why you always bring him tea?”

Martin nearly drops the mugs. “Tim.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Tim grimaces at him sheepishly. “I’m dropping it.”

Martin nods and pulls the box of tea from the cupboard. As he gets the mugs ready, however, he can feel Tim’s eyes on him, heavy and curious. Finally, it gets to be too much, and Martin sets the box down with a sigh. “I bring him tea because he never leaves his office and at least this way he’s hydrated. If you absolutely must know.”

“Caffeine is a diuretic, you know,” Sasha says from where she’s still sitting on the couch.

“Yes,” Martin says tersely, grabbing the kettle as it clicks off, “but it’s better than nothing.”

The tea isn’t related to the crush. It really isn’t. But Martin knows that the more he tries to make excuses, the more it’ll seem like he’s deflecting, which will just be counterproductive. So he prepares the tea and passes Tim and Sasha’s mugs to them. Then, fully aware that Tim and Sasha are watching, he grabs Jon’s mug and makes his way to his office.

He doesn’t knock. He found out his first week here that Jon doesn’t like it when people knock and prefers them to verbally announce themselves instead. It wasn’t because Jon had told him; Martin gets the feeling that Jon is too stubborn to admit to that sort of weakness in front of him. It was because of the subtle tension in Jon’s shoulders every time Martin opened the door after rapping three times on the doorframe; the way his voice sounded ever so slightly pinched when he asked what Martin wanted.

So Martin says, just loud enough to penetrate the thick oak door, that he’s coming in, and then, after a moment, he opens it.

Jon is sitting at his desk, mountains of papers and files stacked on either side of him. His laptop is open in front of him, and he’s currently focused intently on something on the screen, the harsh white light of the LCDs reflecting off his glasses. He doesn’t seem to notice when the door opens, but when Martin takes a few steps closer and gently clears his throat, he looks up from the screen, blinking a few times as his eyes adjust to the dimness of his office.

“Ah,” Jon says, his gaze landing on the mug. “Right. You can…” He looks at the disastrously cluttered surface of his desk and, after some consideration, pushes a stack of papers to the side to make a mug-sized gap in the mess. “You can place it there.”

Martin does. He doesn’t mean to linger afterward. Even though things are ... better between them now that Martin is staying in the Archives and Jon seems to have softened slightly toward him, they’re not quite at the ‘hold a casual conversation’ stage of their relationship yet. Still, Martin finds himself standing in front of Jon’s desk long enough for Jon to glance back up from his computer, a small furrow forming between his eyebrows.

“Did you … need something else from me?” he says, sounding more confused than annoyed.

No, Martin means to say. I’ll be going now.

Instead, he says, “How are you doing?”

Jon stares blankly at Martin, like he doesn’t understand the question. Martin briefly curses his complete lack of a verbal filter at the worst times and purses his lips, telling himself that frantically trying to rescind the statement will only make things worse. “I’m … fine,” Jon says with a hint of incredulity in his voice, like he can’t fathom any reason why Martin would want to inquire after his well-being.

Good, Martin opens his mouth to say. Let me know if you need anything else.

Why he says instead, “I just … noticed that you haven’t been going home lately,” he doesn’t know. He hasn’t had a crush in so long—is this what it was like the last time? God, it’s a bit embarrassing, isn’t it?

Jon still looks bewildered, though there is an edge of irritation to his voice when he says, “There is a lot to do here, Martin. I assure you, I can take care of myself.”

“Right, yeah.” Martin fights the urge to rub his hand along the back of his neck, settling for the inside of his wrist instead. “Just … I know I’ve taken your cot recently, and if you’re not going home at night, I—I would hate to feel like I’m making you sleep at your desk.”

“You are not making me do anything. I can make my own choices.” Jon purses his lips for a moment before saying, more gently, “Besides, you … have more need of the cot than me at the moment.”

Martin can’t help the little shudder that goes through him at the reminder of why, exactly, he is in need of the cot. “Yeah,” he concedes. Then, because it’s only been a week or so and he still feels like he hasn’t said it enough: “Thank you again, for … for letting me stay here.”

Jon’s expression softens into something almost sympathetic, just for a moment, before growing closed-off and shuttered once again. Martin’s traitorous heart thuds in his chest at the sight, just like it had when Jon had listened to his story impassively and then matter-of-factly offered him the cot like it was the only logical thing to do.

(He hadn’t understood why he’d reacted like that—pounding heart, sweaty palms, cottony mouth—until that night, staring at the dark, cracked ceiling of the Archives and running Jon’s words over and over again in his mind. But it wasn’t surprising, was it? Of course Martin would find himself attached to his prickly, no-nonsense boss who kind of hated him the first moment he showed him an ounce of kindness.)

“It’s … really no problem at all,” Jon says, sounding a bit stiff in a way that’s hopelessly endearing, like he doesn’t quite know what to do with Martin’s gratitude. Then, even more stiffly: “You’re … doing all right?”

The tentative concern in Jon’s voice is enough to bring a flush to the tips of Martin’s cheeks that he desperately hopes can’t be seen in the low light of Jon’s office. “Y-yeah. As well as I can be, I—I suppose.”

“Well,” Jon says in a businesslike voice, like he’s delivering a report, “if you need any further accommodations, please let me know. Given that this was a workplace incident and you were investigating the Vittery building on my request, the Institute and I are responsible for ensuring that you remain safe while you’re … displaced from your previous home.”

Martin has always been good at reading people. And for all that Jon wears various masks of professionalism and skepticism and authority, he’s still surprisingly easy to read. It’s easy to control an expression, to control a tone of voice, but Jon’s eyes are always so much more emotive than he probably means them to be. Right now, they’re flitting around the room, from Martin to the floor to his desk to the floor again, like they’re afraid to settle on one place for too long.

It’s easy to identify the emotion as guilt. It takes Martin a few more moments to place what, exactly, Jon is guilty for.

“It’s … not your fault, you know,” Martin says slowly. “What happened with Prentiss. You’re not … responsible for it.”

Martin expects Jon to brush him off—to tell him that he’s being ridiculous. He doesn’t expect him to say, with a voice that leaves no room for argument, “I am not responsible for Jane Prentiss’ presence in the Vittery building, yes, nor for the fact that she followed you home. But I would be remiss not to acknowledge that you encountered her while following up on a statement, per my request, and that I … was not as cautious as I should have been with regards to sending you on dangerous assignments.” Jon’s eyes are sheepish now, and a touch concerned. “I will be sure to take the appropriate precautions in the future, as it would be unacceptable for you to be injured or … otherwise hurt whilst performing your duties as an archival assistant.”

It’s not a heartfelt statement by any measure. Really, it’s just common decency, and definitely what should be expected from one’s superior in a line of work that is (apparently) much more dangerous than it appears to be on paper. But Jon’s eyes when they finally turn to Martin are softer than he’s ever seen them, even as his expression remains carefully neutral and professional, and it feels like Jon has just said something profoundly kind.

Martin’s heart has some stuttering, skipping things to say about that particular fact.

“Um,” Martin says eloquently. “Th-thanks.” He considers mentioning again that Jon really isn’t at fault for sending him into a building that, for all Jon knew, contained nothing more than a few very persistent spiders. But he doesn’t. Instead, he holds the little scrap of kindness he’s been given close to his chest, stammers something about getting back to work, and leaves Jon’s office before he says something embarrassing like I like it when you care or you have kind eyes or we could share the cot if you stay too late.

Tim wiggles his eyebrows at Martin as he takes a seat back at his desk, and Sasha gives him a much more subtle knowing look. Martin ignores both of them and busies himself with the statement sitting on the corner of his desk, diving back into the formatting he’s been struggling with all morning.

Jon is his boss. Jon doesn’t even really like him, when he’s not feeling guilty for almost getting Martin killed. It’s never going to work between them.

A bit of the tension bleeds out of Martin’s shoulders. His eyes drift back toward the door to Jon’s office—the golden nameplate outside it, embossed with Jon’s name, the frosted window, the old, warped wood—and he feels something light and comfortable settle in his chest.

Jon is prickly and lovely and blunt and awkwardly conscientious and completely unattainable. Jon is never going to look at Martin with affection in his eyes and ask Martin to run away with him to pursue a romantic, fairy-tale ending, and Martin is never going to feel that intense, awful discomfort that seeps into the gaps where the love once was. He can blush and stammer and imagine holding Jon’s hand and kissing the inside of his wrist and tangling his foot with Jon’s underneath a table, and nothing will change.

It’s never going to happen between them. And it’s better that way.

.

.

.

The car ride to Scotland is quiet. Jon keeps sneaking glances at Martin when he thinks Martin isn’t paying attention, as if Martin will vanish if he doesn’t keep a watchful eye on him. It should be irritating, but … maybe he’s right. Martin doesn’t feel fully here yet. He still feels empty and numb, like all of the emotion and life and things that make him him have been cut away, consumed by the salty fog that had filled his lungs and stung his throat as he inhaled.

Peter Lukas is dead. Martin had felt it happen with a sort of empty detachment—the ripples of fog as Peter disintegrated into nothing but mist and static. Jon hasn’t spoken about it since they left the Lonely, but Martin had seen the tension in his shoulders as they’d returned to their flats to pack and taken the keys to the car from Basira and made their way painstakingly through London traffic.

Martin had wanted to tell Jon that it was all right—that everything was going to be okay. But his throat refused to form the words. It took all of his energy to remain present and solid, and he just … couldn’t. So he remained silent and gripped Jon’s hand as tightly as he was able and focused on not giving in to the Loneliness that still lingered underneath the surface of his skin.

Now, both of Jon’s hands are on the wheel of the car, his fingers and elbows rigid and stiff. Generic pop music spills out of the radio, the signal distorted enough that Martin only catches about half of the song, the rest swallowed by static. Better than him, he thinks absently. Right now, he feels as if he’s only static.

He can’t remember if he was like this before the air opened wide in front of him and he was swallowed whole by the fog, the panopticon gone in an instant and replaced with nothing but endless gray. He was … close, he thinks. Every day, things grew dimmer, his own thoughts and feelings more difficult to get a handle on. It grew harder and harder to remember why he was resisting at all. What his goal was, other than to just … be alone. He thinks he would have forgotten entirely, had Jon not been three floors beneath him, alive and breathing and reminding him that he was doing this—all of this—for a reason.

It had been … lovelier than Martin ever could have imagined, falling in love with Jon. It grew within him like a garden, new flowers cropping up every day. Some were white and delicate, blooming in his lungs when he looked at Jon and felt the all-consuming need to bundle him up in a blanket and make him tea and hide him away from the things in the world that wanted to hurt him. Others were purple and angular, blossoming with every lunch they had together and story Jon told him. And some were red and thorny, roses with waxy petals that made Martin’s cheeks grow hot every time Jon said his name like it was special or treated him kindly or smiled.

So when things grew difficult—when the loneliness crept too close, when he grew too comfortable being invisible, when he had to look Jon in the eye and tell him that he didn’t want to see him—Martin retreated to the quiet garden in his soul. He ran his fingers along the petals and stems and leaves and reminded himself that he needed to do this, or he’d lose Jon again and the garden would shrivel and die.

It had been an easy decision, in the end.

There’s a soft crunching noise, and Martin breaks free from his thoughts to see that they’ve transitioned from the smooth asphalt of the motorway to an unpaved gravel road. It’s bracketed on either side by trees, and though the sun has long since set, Martin can still see the gentle swell of hills around them, outlined softly in the moonlight. He thinks, for a moment, that he sees fog, clustering around the bases of the hills and swirling around in tight eddies, but when he blinks, the image is gone.

“We’re almost there,” Jon says quietly. It’s one of the few things he’s said to Martin the entire trip. Then, after a moment: “It’s … rather nice out here.”

Martin supposes it is. The landscape around them had been a vibrant green before twilight had washed it out into deep blues, and there have been cows dotted around the fields, shaggy and brown and grazing contently. It’s a stark change from the grays and browns of central London, with buildings on all sides and people everywhere and no chance to ever really see the stars. If circumstances were different, Martin thinks he would be cooing over the cows and trying to get Jon to stop so he could take pictures and enjoying his first trip outside of England.

Instead, Martin just nods.

Jon seems to understand. He sneaks another glance at Martin��full of something soft that Martin, in his foggy state, doesn’t quite know how to parse—but remains silent for the rest of the trip. It could easily be a stiff, uncomfortable silence, but … it’s not. It feels companionable.

When did being around Jon become so easy?

Daisy’s cabin is small and squat, nestled between two hills and idyllic in a way that doesn’t match the rough-hewn, steel-eyed woman Martin had known. The inside is dusty and cold, and Jon mutters something about central heating before disappearing down the corridor and leaving Martin standing in the living room, staring at the place he’ll be living in for the foreseeable future.

The place he’ll be living in with Jon for the foreseeable future.

Martin feels something in his chest stir at that—a strange, twisting emotion that’s there and gone before he can put a name to it. He shivers, in a way he doesn’t think is from the cold, and goes to find Jon.

He … doesn’t think he should be alone right now.

They find an old, rusted radiator that miraculously still works, pumping out hot air with a groan of metal. Jon digs a set of musty sheets out of the linen closet and begins dressing the bed. Martin notes the lack of a second bedroom, and he thinks he might object to the implication that they’ll be sharing a bed if he weren’t aware of the fact that he might vanish if left alone for too long. (Or if he were himself enough to feel embarrassed. Or to feel anything.)

He doesn’t think anything shows on his face, but Jon’s always been keen, even more so now that knowledge drips into his mind like water from a leaky faucet. Jon’s hands flutter over the sheets for a moment before he says, “I … hope this is all right?”

Martin tries to find his voice to agree, but the energy required to summon it is too much, so he settles for a shallow nod. He doesn’t think it’s a sufficiently enthusiastic agreement, but Jon doesn’t question it. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment, then says, “And … you’re all right?”

It’s a bit of a ridiculous question, really. No, Martin isn’t all right. No, there’s nothing Jon can do about it. No, he doesn’t know when things will be better. Or if they’ll ever be better.

Martin just looks at Jon, eyebrows slightly raised. Jon lets out a small, dry laugh. “Right. I … suppose that was a silly question. I—I meant…” Jon hems and haws for a long moment before finally saying, “Do you feel … safe, here? W-with me?”

That question has a much easier answer.

When Martin nods without hesitation, Jon visibly relaxes. “Good,” he says, voice rough around the edges. “That’s … that’s good.”

They stand there for a moment longer, the silence between them thick and heavy but not uncomfortably so. Finally, Jon clears his throat and says, “Well, I—I suppose we should rest then. We can … talk tomorrow?”

Martin nods and tries to smile. He doesn’t quite manage it, but … that’s all right. For now, this is enough.

Jon retreats into the bathroom, and Martin finds himself overcome with exhaustion. He slips into the soft pajama trousers he’d absently stuffed into his duffle bag, climbs under the covers, and is asleep before the sound of running water from the other room abates.

.

.

.

Martin doesn’t remember what happened in the Lonely. Things had been foggy and disjointed, slipping through his grasp when he tried to hold onto them. He barely remembers what came after, when Jon had led him away from the sand and the fog and the waves, his palm a searing heat against Martin’s. His first few days at the safehouse are spent in a similar fog, like each muscle in his body is frozen solid and he’s slowly attempting to warm them with a matchstick flame.

His third day is … better. His fourth, better still. By the end of the first week, Martin feels more himself than he has in months, if still acutely aware of the fog that now lives in his lungs and creeps out of his throat when he thinks too hard about what’s transpired or when Jon is out of sight for too long.

Martin remembers what it’s like to be happy. He feels it when he shuffles sleepily into the kitchen on their eigth morning in the safehouse and sees Jon standing in front of the stove, hair tied up in a neat bun and eggs sizzling in a pan in front of him. He remembers what it’s like to be frightened. He feels it when he wakes at night, shivering and shaking with the lingering memory of dreams of nothing but endless fog and aching loneliness.

And he remembers what it’s like to be in love.

He remembers it just in time to lose it.

The worst thing, Martin thinks, is that he’d almost managed to convince himself that it would be different this time. He knows, logically, that it’s not that simple. He’d done a little bit of research after what happened with Nino, reading through a few web pages on aromanticism before becoming overwhelmed and closing out of every single one of them. He tentatively returned to them a few years later after realizing that this wasn’t something that he was going to grow out of or move on from.

He had difficulties settling on a label, partly because of the sheer number of them and partly because he … didn’t quite know how to categorize his feelings. How could he categorize something that he’d only felt once before? Gray-romantic seemed the safest option, so that was the one he settled on.

(Not that he ever told anyone that he was arospec. It never seemed important, even when Sasha would needle him about his crush and Tim would make too-loud suggestive comments that could surely be heard through the door to Jon’s office.

… Martin misses Tim and Sasha. He thinks, if he’d had the chance—if he’d had more time—they would have been the first people he told.)

Martin knows that his relationship with romantic attraction is complicated. Yet somehow, he’s still found it within himself to hope that this time, things will be different. This time, when he tells Jon that he’s very in love with him and has been for a while, those words will continue to be true even after they’re spoken. (He ignores the fact that the actual thought of saying them aloud makes his stomach twist and his mouth grow chalky.)

But, just like with Nino, Martin doesn’t get the chance to try. Jon beats him to the punch.

“I … I love you,” Jon says quietly. He has Martin’s hand in his, and he’s holding it so gently Martin might cry. There were things Jon said before this moment—a conversation that has led them here—but Martin is having a hard time recalling any of them. All he can think is no, no, not now, not here.

His skin crawls. His hands are clammy, and he’s sure that Jon can feel it. He has the instinctive need to get away, but he’s also frozen in place, the lump in his throat sealing away all of the words that he should be saying.

He should be saying something.

The silence stretches on between them, the vulnerability on Jon’s face slowly morphing into concern. “... Martin?”

He sounds so confused, and Martin … he can’t. He just can’t. He doesn’t think he’ll survive the moment when that confusion turns to hurt.

So Martin swallows sharply and forces his hand to squeeze Jon’s and says, “I love you too.”

And he does, in a way. He wants Jon here, by his side, eating breakfast next to him and rambling to him about whatever latest thing has piqued his interest and listening to Martin describe the cows he’s seen on his walks. The thought of Jon leaving—of losing him, the same way he lost Nino—makes his stomach twist into knots, because Martin loves him.

Just … not in the way that Jon thinks he does. Not anymore.

And Martin can’t help but feel guilty about that fact.

Jon frowns at Martin for a moment more, like he can tell that something’s wrong but he’s not entirely sure what. Martin breathes out slowly and gives Jon as genuine a smile as he can muster, trying to convey that everything is fine. That nothing’s wrong—why would anything be wrong?

It must work, because Jon exhales slowly, his expression softening into one of the gentle smiles that Martin has grown so fond of. He rubs a thumb over the back of Martin’s hand in a motion that should be comforting but only reminds Martin of the fact that Jon is doing it because he loves him.

Martin thinks that Jon is going to kiss him then—isn’t that usually what comes after things like this?—and dread coils in his stomach. But Jon doesn’t. Later, Martin will find out that Jon dislikes kisses just as much as he does (though for different reasons). For now, though, Martin can only feel relief when Jon squeezes his hand once more before letting go and standing. “I’ll go make us some tea,” he says quietly, then retreats to the kitchen.

Thinking back on it, Martin wonders if Jon knew then. That something was wrong. But for now, he just feels relieved that he has the space he needs to breathe.

.

.

.

It’s their second week at the safehouse, just a few days after Jon told Martin that he loves him, that Jon finally sits Martin down after dinner and says softly, “Martin, am I … am I making you uncomfortable?”

“What?” Martin says, like he has no idea what Jon’s talking about. (Like a liar.) “No. What … what makes you think that?”

Jon wrings his hands together. He’s wearing one of Martin’s sweaters, and Martin doesn’t know how he feels about it. The clothes sharing is fine. The fact that Jon is clearly perceiving the clothes sharing as a romantic gesture is … less than fine.

Martin told himself that it would be okay if Jon perceived their relationship as a romantic one and Martin didn’t. He was good at pretending. And besides, how different could things be?

Very different, as it turned out. In all the ways that mattered.

Jon seemed to take any opportunity he could to touch Martin—a hand brushing against the small of his back when he passed behind him to grab a mug, an ankle nudging against his underneath the table as they ate, a head resting on his shoulder as they sat side-by-side and read. Martin had never been particularly touch-averse or touch-starved; touch was just … touch. He’d liked it when Tim had tousled his hair or when Sasha had thrown her legs across his on the breakroom couch, but he didn’t feel like he was missing out on anything on the days he went without any human contact at all.

Now, it’s all Martin can do not to flinch away from Jon’s touches, knowing that each one is delivered with love and affection that Martin can’t return. Though perhaps he hasn’t been doing as good of a job as he’d thought, judging by the concerned look Jon is giving him now.

There have been other things too—whispered I love yous in the early mornings and soft smiles that seem somehow more and little gestures that are so Jon but also so romantic—and Martin wants so badly to disappear back into the fog in those moments. But that … that wouldn’t be fair to Jon. It’s not his fault that Martin is like this, after all.

(It’s not Martin’s fault either. He knows this, logically. He’d spent a long time hating himself for what happened with Nino, for how he couldn’t just be normal and go on dates and enjoy something that the rest of society seemed to prize above all else. It had taken him years to finally come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t broken, and he couldn’t be changed. That this was just … who he was.

It doesn’t mean that sometimes, he doesn’t wish that he could be someone else. And he’s never wanted it more acutely than when he stares at Jon’s kind brown eyes and soft smile.)

So Martin lied and lied and lied. And he thought he’d been doing so successfully. But here Jon is, frowning at him, a careful distance between them, and Martin feels his chest begin to tighten.

“I just…” Jon begins, then stops. He looks down at the couch, studying the ugly floral pattern with apparent rapt fascination. Martin doesn’t know what to say, so he waits anxiously until Jon finally continues, “It doesn’t feel like you’re … happy. I know that things have been hard, a-and … it’s all right if you still need time after the Lonely, but it…” Jon swallows. “It feels like some of it may be because of me? W-when I touch you, sometimes you get … tense. And sometimes…”

“Jon?” Martin prompts after a moment, the word strangled by the growing lump in his throat.

“Sometimes,” Jon says quietly, “when you tell me that you love me, it … it feels like you’re lying.”

And the way Jon says it—tentative, with wide, hesitant eyes, like he’s the one that’s the problem—makes Martin’s desire to keep up the ruse crumble away in an instant.

It still isn’t easy to come clean. But he forces himself to do it anyway.

“It’s complicated,” he begins, then winces. Not a good start. Sure enough, Jon’s shoulders grow tense, and he shifts slightly further away, like he thinks Martin wants more space. Because he thinks he’s done something wrong. “You haven’t done anything wrong,” Martin adds quickly. It’s not you, it’s me, he thinks wryly. “It’s … not your fault.”

Jon opens his mouth—to say what, Martin doesn’t know. He barrels on before Jon gets the chance to speak, his haste making his words harried and blunt.

“I’m aromantic.”

Jon blinks at him, clearly surprised by the abruptness of the statement. After a long, awkward moment, during which it becomes abundantly clear that Jon is waiting for Martin to make the next move, Martin continues, “My relationship with—well, with relationships—i-is complicated. I-it’s, um … it’s hard to explain? A-and I don’t want you to think that I—I don’t care about you. I want to be here, w-with you, just…”

“Not in a romantic capacity?” Jon finishes softly.

Martin exhales heavily, feeling a bit like a hole has been punched in his chest and he’s slowly deflating. “Yeah.”

Jon is looking at him with soft, kind eyes, and Martin doesn’t know what to do with them. So he buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice coming out muffled.

“Hey, hey.” Jon’s hand brushes against Martin’s shoulder before pulling away quickly, and that just makes Martin feel worse. “You haven’t done anything wrong either.”

“Yes, I have,” Martin says into his palms. “I lied. I let you think that I—I was still in love with you, and … Christ, that was shitty of me.”

“I … do wish you had told me sooner,” Jon concedes. “But … only because I care about you, Martin, a-and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me.” He hesitates. “You … do know that I’m not mad at you, right? Th-that I wouldn’t have been mad, o-or upset, or hurt, if you told me that you didn’t feel the same way about me?”

Martin takes a deep breath, then another. “But I did,” he says raggedly. “For … for so long, I did. Ever since Jane Prentiss locked me in my flat for two weeks and you believed me when I told you about it a-and let me stay in the Archives. A-and I didn’t lie, in the Lonely. I did love you, a-all the way up until…”

Martin trails off. Jon lets the silence linger for a moment before saying gently, “If you don’t want to explain it to me, o-or if it’s hard, you don’t have to. But … if you can, I’d like to understand. For myself, a-and for you.” He wraps his hands tightly around his knees where they’re tucked against his chest. “This is important, and … I want to get this right.”

Martin exhales. He picks at a loose thread on the couch between them, focusing on it so he doesn’t have to meet Jon’s eyes and can pretend like he isn’t so extremely exposed and vulnerable right now. “I … I do want to explain. O-or I want to try. It’s … hard, though. Mostly b-because I’ve never had to explain it to anybody else? But also because … I don’t really understand why I’m like this.”

Jon opens his mouth, and Martin holds up a hand. “I know, I know—you don’t … have to comment on that.”

Jon closes his mouth and tentatively shifts so his knee is pressing against Martin’s. Martin waits for the tingling of his skin, the pins-and-needles discomfort, but it never comes. Maybe it’s because he knows that this is an act of comfort rather than one of affection. It’s … really nice.

He presses back with a sigh, feeling a bit of the tension and nerves drain out of him. “I—I get that love is difficult for me,” he says quietly. “I’ve just … always had trouble with the fact that what makes it difficult is that I’m someone who apparently never actually wants their love … requited. And if it is, I just … can’t anymore. It all goes away, a-and I just … fall out of love?”

Martin can feel Jon’s eyes on him, inquisitive and searching, but Jon doesn’t say anything. There’s a moment of silence between them, during which Martin tries and fails to collect his mess of feelings and thoughts and emotions into something that he can verbalize. Finally, Martin sighs and says, “It’s ironic, isn’t it. I’ve loved you for so long, a-and I still do, but … not in the way you love me. Not anymore. And now you’re the one who—who loves someone w-who doesn’t … who can’t…”

“Oh, no, Martin.” Jon’s hand is covering his then, and it’s warm and gentle and lovely, and Martin could cry. “I’m not…” He hesitates, squeezing Martin’s hand once. “Well. I am still in love with you. In the … romantic sense. I—I don’t want to lie to you about that. B-but I also love you in … so many other ways. Y-you’re my friend, Martin, a-and you’re someone that I can trust. You … you make me feel safe, e-even when there’s … so much in my life that’s dangerous and unpredictable, and I know that you’ll … always be there for me when I need you to be. I want to be here with you, always. I would … be happy in a romantic relationship with you, yes. But I would also be happy to just be with you. In whichever way you will have me.”

Martin’s throat feels very tight. “Oh,” he says faintly. He feels a pressure at the corner of his eyes and realizes, with a flush of embarrassment, that there are actual tears collecting there. He stares hard at the lamp just behind Jon, trying not to let any of them escape.”You, um … you really … mean that?”

“Of course,” Jon says, like there’s no question to be had about the matter. “You are … such an easy person to love, Martin. In all the ways it’s possible to love someone.”

Martin tries—he really does—to keep the tears back. But it’s just … so much, and Jon is so lovely, and this is more than Martin ever thought he was going to be able to have. So he takes a shaky breath in, and on the exhale, a few tears slip free and trail down his cheek. He brings a hand up and scrubs them away, mutters a sorry underneath his breath, but Jon just squeezes his hand tighter.

“It’s okay,” he says. “It’s okay, I’m … I’m here. I’m not leaving you.” Jon hesitates. “Provided that that’s … all right with you, of course.”

Martin can’t help the shaky laugh that escapes him. “Yes, it’s all right with me. Of course it is.”

Jon smiles, and Martin aches with it. “Good.” He nudges his knee gently against Martin’s. “Because this cottage would get very dull without you in it. Who would I talk to about all of Daisy’s awful romance novels?”

Martin laughs again, and it chases away most of the lingering tension in his body. “Be careful what you wish for. I’m going to start doing dramatic readings next.”

Jon’s eyes sparkle with humor, but his voice is sincere when he says, “I look forward to it.”

True to his word, over the next week, Martin does increasingly dramatic readings of the worn, water-warped romance novels stacked haphazardly on the safehouse shelves. (Skipping the, quote, ‘unnecessarily erotic’ bits to avoid Jon’s pinched look of discomfort and his own beet-red face as he stares down at words that should really not be used in a sexual context ever.) He bakes cookies, laughing when Jon drops the cup of flour he’s holding and ends up covered in it. He spends the first three walks after their conversation wringing his hands together before finally asking, in a series of nervous stutters, if Jon would like to hold hands while they walk.

“But not in a romantic way!” he hastens to clarify. “You just have very nice hands, a-and I’ve always liked the idea of holding someone else’s hand, but—you know, th-the romantic connotations of it aren’t … great, and … you know, now that I think about it, this was a stupid question, you don’t have to—”

And then Jon takes his hand and squeezes it gently, and Martin feels a warmth spread through him that he doesn’t quite know what to do with.

That’s been happening a lot lately. He … doesn’t think he minds at all.

Then, a few weeks after their conversation, Jon turns over in bed to face him and says, without any preamble, “Have you ever heard of a queerplatonic relationship?”

Martin has, but only in passing, so he shakes his head. Jon explains, sounding very much like he’s reciting the wiki page for the concept, which is … more endearing than it has any right to be, probably.

“Does … does that sound like something you might be interested in?” Jon says nervously. “W-with me, of course. If that wasn’t … clear.”

Martin nods before Jon is finished speaking. “Yeah,” he says, maybe a bit too eagerly. Then, quieter: “Yeah. I’d … I’d like that.”

Jon smiles then, bright and wide and lovely, and it occurs to Martin—not for the first time, and probably not for the last—that he can have this. That he can be with Jon—maybe for the rest of his life, though that’s a … big thought that he definitely isn’t ready to look at head-on yet—without the dates and the kissing and all the other romantic gestures that Martin always thought were necessary for something like this. That they can be happy, together.

That Martin can have his fairy tale ending, and it doesn’t have to look like he’s always been told it should.

Martin smiles back at Jon, reaching across the bed to brush his fingers lightly against Jon’s. And for the first time in a long, long while, he finally feels like he’s home.

[thanotaphobia]

on philza, technoblade, and qprs

i’d like to start this off by saying i am on the ace spectrum. i don’t really label myself as anything other than “queer” but here i acknowledge the fact i am somewhat asexual and aromantic

now onto what i actually want to say, mostly about the conversation surrounding philza and technoblade and their relationship as viewed by the fandom. i’ll go through this in three parts: 1. canon relationship 2. fanon relationship 3. my take on boundaries, qpr, and society stuff and how i think some of the fandom surrounding these two characters need to chill on the depiction of certain relationships

1. phil and techno’s canon relationship is centered around a few very important lines and interactions. mostly “for you, the world phil” and other statements declaring techno and phil as besties. i don’t think either of them are bad friends in any way! i think in canon their relationship is strong and has several moments on stream that can back it up. techno constantly showering philza with gifts is part of his love language- phil is a bit different, but his acts of service come with helping him farm wither skulls and supporting technoblade during doomsday. canonically, their relationship is strong and i don’t deny that.

2. fanon has taken it different ways, as fandom is wont to do. many people are interpreting phil and techno as best friends, some as father/son, apprentice and master, etc! it’s great- all these headcanons are awesome. the problem that some people have come to find is with the depictions of philza and technoblade in a qpr, or a queerplatonic relationship. for anyone who’s unclear on what that is, a queerplatonic relationship is by definition “a term for a relationship that bends the rules for telling apart romantic relationships from non-romantic relationships.” this is straight from the LGBTA wiki, although the definition can shift and change depending on the person you ask. this is not an issue. headcanons are fine and chill and dandy and philza himself has said headcanoning is fine including qprs! the problem lies within:

3. the fact that some people take it way too far. 

unfortunately, in the society we live in, there are some things and actions that have been coded to be romantic. every day these items are challenged by real life queer people who are in qprs and who do live their lives in opposite to how society demands we do. however, when it comes to minecraft roleplay and the content creators performing, this is not the hill to die on. you can say you want something to be platonic and still slap romantic-coded actions all over it. kissing and marriage are two of the most contended i’ve seen, as well as lingering touch and other intense, close parts of a relationship that are often coded as romantic. this doesn’t mean that those actions always have to be romantic. that’s the whole reason for qprs in the first place- to challenge and go against the idea that all of these actions must be romantic. however, for the real life people concerned (who may or may not understand what a qpr is) it WILL COME ACROSS AS ROMANTIC.

there is no way to fix that. there is no way to erase cultural norms grown into a person. some things will always be taken as romantic no matter how hard we try to denormalize it. you can’t just say it’s platonic and expect the whole world to go along with it. that is not how it works, however much i or you disagree. change is slow- it takes years, even decades. 

that being said, it’s of my personal opinion that some fan content depicting techno and philza in a qpr goes too far. i block and mute anything that makes me uncomfortable, and i urge everyone else who feels the same to do so, because that’s how you react in an online space when you see something you disagree with. block and mute and move on. but i also wanted to get my thoughts out there in a way that makes sense (at least to me) and to just remind people of boundaries that exist and that while the world is more progressive than ever, it is still not perfect and likely will never be. is this a hill to die on? i just urge anyone making content to think about how one of the content creators involved would view it- if they came across it, or it was shoved in their face, or blew up to an immense amount- how would they react? 

tl;dr: im not a personal fan of some depictions of techno and phil in qprs. i block and mute and move on, so should you. disclaimer: all of this is my opinion and should be taken as such. i don’t legitimately care enough to really argue on the matter of opinion, so. take it as you will

[silverskye13]

Do you have any advice for writing a QPR? I have only learned the phrase recently and it sounds really— perfect? I’d like to try writing one and was wondering if you had any advice?

To me QPR is really easy. It’s essentially asking yourself the question: How do you show someone you love them, without defaulting to sexual intimacy?

A good jumping off point for bainstorming ideas is really just, any time friends/family/so’s have showed you they care about you in a way that impressed you. Paying more attention to your wants/needs than you thought they would. Spending time with you at the expense of their own time. Inviting you to something important to them, just because they want you to be involved and a part of something they love, because they love you just as much. All of these things can slide nicely into QPR in stories. Even hugging/cuddling/handholding can be brought into this, though for some aro/ace folx who are sex avoidant / repulsed, these things can slide into uncomfortable territory, so it’s up to you how you want to handle that. I personally like including these things because I like casual physical intimacy but! Writer discretion.

One thing I think is really important for QPR [which is equally important in all relationships but is not necessarily the focus in some relationship stories] is establishing how close your characters are and how they get there. Basically, how organically does the relationship develop?

If you’re starting with the two characters already in love, that’s great! Now you just get to focus on how they show their affection. But if they start out as strangers or actively disliking each other, there needs to be a clear turning point where estrangement/dislike turns into fondness/closeness turns into a deep connected relationship with a lot of emotional investment.

It also helps to just, not make physical intimacy, a big deal? Your QPR couple can hold hands and kiss, but they just don’t go past that. Or maybe they address that they are okay with some intimacy but don’t want that to have a large impact on their relationship. Your characters are allowed to talk about their relationships to each other, to the audience, for clarification and character development. They’re allowed to draw lines and boundaries in ways we can easily track. That’s healthy in rl relationships regardless, so it makes sense a healthy relationship between a number of characters would include these aspects as well.

And at the end of the day, if you’re really just confused on how to get things started and portrayed, just start with having your characters really close friends. Friendship, for the most part, is easy. And depending on what those characters go through together, you can develop it into an official QPR from there. A great accomplishment, I think, is for the person you fall in love with to be first and foremost one of your best friends. 

[seth-the-hobbit]

I think it’s interesting how being aro/aro-spec is the thing that’s been the hardest for me.

I read the word ‘nonbinary’ in April 2015 and went “yeah that’s me”. I still doubt it and question it sometimes but ultimately I know it’s right and I’m nonbinary.

Ace-spec was pretty much the same, one day I realised I was asexual not ace-spec easily and went “yeah that seems more correct” and never looked back. It was easy. Sex is not something that interests me and despite society’s preoccupations of it, it’s not something that has ever worried me. Both of those were things I had experienced already but now I had a name for. I was different from my peers but it wasn’t bad. Other people felt that too.

I knew I liked boys. That wasn’t something I ever had to debate. I knew I felt differently about boys than my peers (“I wasn’t like other girls”) but realising that I’m nonbinary and asexual made that make sense. I find women very attractive and I enjoy looking at them - the same way I enjoy looking at a satisfying piece of art of a beautiful landscape. My attraction to women is purely aesthetic, which took a while I admit, but wasn’t really a shock when it came. I struggled a bit between gay and bi because enbies but that was okay. I wasn’t questioning who I liked, just which label felt the best. It was like I’d chosen a top and just had to figure out which size was for me. Queer always had my back anyway.

I started to question if I was aro-spec the summer of 2018. I really went “I am aromantic” in autumn 2020. Even now I’m still a little hesitant but I’m getting there.

I had a bit of a breakdown in August 2018 and convinced myself I’d have to break up with my then partner because I’d realised I was aro-spec even though I knew I loved them. We talked about it though and our relationship developed into a QPR which took away a lot of my worries. Christmas Eve that year my partner told me they weren’t comfortable being in a QPR. We talked again and I realised that I was happy with how I was and didn’t mind how our relationship was defined as long as we were still together. When we broke up about a year later I was sad but content enough to be by myself. I had just started college so I had that newness and new friends and I was happy.

I met a really lovely lad online last April and we quickly became good friends. I suspected he had a crush on me and thought I did too. I was excited to talk to him and wanted to meet up properly and hold hands and I got caught up in the sappy feeling of newness. We met up when restrictions allowed and yes we held hands and kissed on the cheek. It was exhilarating. He was really respectful of my boundaries and knew that I was ace and aro-spec and wouldn’t - couldn’t - feel the way he did. He was okay with it. Everything was great. Then we started dating and I started avoiding him. He started saying sappy, romantic things and calling me pet names and I knew he liked me much more than I liked him and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had no space because he was always there. I realised that a relationship was not something I actually wanted and romantic things made me uncomfortable. We broke up and I was so relieved.

I think I just got caught up in the new friend feeling and confused it for a crush. Even though I broke up with him because I was aro I still found it hard to really accept that? I couldn’t imagine a future where I didn’t have a generic, faceless being beside me. It was a scary thought and one I struggled with a lot.

But I followed aro meme pages and aro discussion pages and bought an aro pride pin that I was excited for and it helped.

I know I want companionship and I think the ideal setup for me would be something like what I have at the moment - I’m living in a flat with two friend who are a couple. We often eat together and chat and it’s really domestic. I want people to share space with and life with but without the strain of being everything for one person. People I can hug and hold hands with probably and do grocery shopping with. People I can call family without feeling like I am depriving them of something. Three is a nice number. I’ve always done well in threes. I had two best friends in primary school. I have two best friends now. Three is a balanced number in a way two isn’t.