#Intro to Emotional Regulation

[haveyoureadthisfanfic]

Summary: “It’s okay to let people help you,” Jeff whispers, unsure if Abed can even hear him. “It’s weird that people want to,” Abed replies just as quietly, still facing the other direction. Abed is deteriorating very quickly, and his friends are here to help him. Takes place post-Troy leaving on a boat, right after "Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality".

Author: @1mechanicalalligator

[palmettoshenanigans]

Don't FUCKING argue with me. "Neil Josten let his cigarette burn to the filter without taking a drag. He didn't want the nicotine; he wanted the acrid smoke that reminded him of his mother." Is a fucking dynamite intro!! Is it edgy as fuck? Yeah. So? Is it hella melodramatic? Probably. So? Is it bad writing? Motherfucking NO! It's damn near expert level execution of several writing principles!

Who is the story about? First two words, next question.

Catch the reader's attention as soon as possible? "Why the fuck is he wasting a cigarette?" Intrigue successfully demanded, next question.

Raise questions that will keep the reader hanging long enough to have answered? "Why the fuck does acrid smoke trigger his mommy issues?" + "Wait it's because he burned her corpse??" Many many more questions raised + blind sided reader via preconceived expectations being subverted, next question.

Character establishing moment? What other characters use for physical and emotional regulation, he uses to fucking reminisce and wallow in his feelings, next question.

Set the tone for the rest of the story? Edgy, melodramatic, and emotionally gut wrenching, NEXT. FUCKING. QUESTION!

The Muses asked Nora to roll for Hook and she rolled a nat 20 five times in a row in 30 words or less. Hook, Line, and motherfucking Sinker bitches

Some of y'all need to stop ragging on AFTG's writing and start using it as a fucking case study cus this shit has the addiction capacity of heroine and god help the goddamn saltine cracker throwing stones

[jungkoode]

I tag my related asks/posts for visibility and won’t be changing this. If this bothers you, I encourage you to block or filter my content. I promise you I don’t care. Messages about tagging will be ignored.

Don’t want to see my posts? Here’s my tags.

Still looking for an explanation? It’s right here.

I avoid Y/N mentions in my works. Nicknames are the norm.

Read author intros/tw before engaging with any of my stories.

My stories are very slow burn. Know what you’re getting into.

Updates explained on faq.

I narrate from a limited character’s POV. Never omniscient.

UNLESS MENTIONED, ALL OF MY WORKS ARE EXPLICIT, 18+.

✧ ( fuck me up ) - ongoing

✧ aka FMU ✧ jungkook x female reader ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

this one's not for the faint of heart. it's messy, it's raw, and it's complicated. you'll meet jungkook at his most difficult—emotionally distant, a little bit broken, and hiding behind the physical connection he has with y/n. a one-night stand turns into something neither of them can define, and their journey is as emotionally charged as it is physically intense as they navigate their roommate situation.

✿ heavy on the angst ✿ lots of psychological depth ✿ fuck-buddies-to-something-more ✿ trauma, healing, and everything in between

if you're into stories where the characters push and pull until they collapse into each other—this one's for you.

₊˚✧ ( kkangpae ) ₊˚✧ - ongoing

₊˚✧ aka KGP, KK ₊˚✧ jeon x female reader ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

welcome to the dark side of seoul, where attachment means death and rules are written in blood. you'll meet jeon at his most lethal—cold, precise, and carrying the weight of a past painted in red. when you join kkangpae's seduction division, you know the rules. no relationships. no exceptions. but there's something about the way the chief assassin looks at you that makes you wonder if some rules are worth dying for.

✿ heavy on violence and gore ✿ complex power dynamics ✿ enemies-to-lovers-fuck-buddies with dire stakes ✿ psychological trauma and moral ambiguity ✿ 500k EMOTIONAL slow burn gang au

if you're into stories where love and death dance too close for comfort—where every kiss could be a bullet and trust is a luxury no one can afford—this one's going to break you in all the right ways.

₊˚✧ ( the 25th hour ) ₊˚✧ - ongoing

✧ aka 25H ✧ yoongi x f!reader ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

in a world where time is strictly regulated, some people called Outliers still experience the forbidden 25th hour. when they do, they're erased—rewritten into obedient citizens with no memory of who they were.

you've always been normal, until the night you wake at 1:59 AM and meet min yoongi, a mysterious agent who seems to already know you. now, hunted by the authorities, you must uncover the truth: about the 25th hour, about yoongi, and about the versions of yourself you don't remember.

✦ dystopian psychological thriller ✦ time-bending romance ✦ mystery, conspiracy, forbidden love ✦ angst with a side of existential dread

if you like plot twists, reality-questioning narratives, and achingly star-crossed romance, this story is your next obsession.

₊˚✧ ( unmanageable ) ₊˚✧ - TBD

✧ aka UM ✧ jungkook x female reader ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

welcome to the gladiator pit of seoul's entertainment industry, where you'll meet jungkook at his most lethal—korea's ice prince with dead eyes and a talent for verbal execution. aloof, sarcastic, trust issues deeper than his bank account, and a coldness that makes winter feel like a beach vacation. when HALYX dumps his impossible ass on your desk, it's clear why every handler before you quit: the man's never heard the word "no" until you showed up with your clipboard and zero tolerance for celebrity bullshit. he thinks your efficiency is a personal attack; you think his designer tantrums are beneath someone with his talent. what neither of you expected? the sick satisfaction of finding the one person who won't back down; of having someone see your worst and stay anyway, even if it's just to prove they can break you first.

✧ 2 professionals 1 wrong word from career homicide ✧ spite/hatred so electric it could power seoul ✧ emotional warfare disguised as management ✧ enemies to lovers but the enemies part is probably 300k words long bc i’m tired of enemies not enemying

if you need stories where contempt feels like foreplay and professional distance becomes the biggest lie two people ever told themselves—this one's going to live in your head rent-free long after you finish

₊˚✧ ( code : epitaph ) ₊˚✧ - ongoing

✧ aka C:E ✧ namjoon x female reader

ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [[tumblr]]

Author intros/tw.

veyrah is a dying planet where survival means sacrifice and hatred runs deeper than blood. namjoon—the cold engineer of a system designed to decide who lives and who dies—gets paired to you as a 100% genetic match, and thus you're both sentenced to 60 days of forced proximity before the final transference. one of you will survive the blood ritual. one of you will die. no one knows which until the moment arrives.

as the daughter of executed traitors and a rebel hacker with too much blood on your hands, you hate everything he stands for. as the warden who built the system that keeps the last fragments of humanity alive, he despises your chaos. but as you're forced to navigate the broken sectors together—completing missions, dodging assassins, and fighting the clock—your mutual loathing becomes the only constant in a world determined to break you both.

✧ open-world dystopian AU ✧ raw hatred ✧ death sentence ticking in the background ✧ blood bonds and brutal choices ✧ 60 days until one must die

if you're drawn to stories where hatred and understanding are two sides of the same knife—where every shared breath is a countdown and trust is the most dangerous weapon—this one's going to leave scars in all the places you can't heal.

✧ ( 5 seconds to freedom ) - ongoing

✧ aka 5STF ✧ latino!jimin x female reader | street racing Tokyo au ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [[tumblr]]

Author intros/tw.

in tokyo's underground racing scene, respect isn't given—it's earned at 200km/h with your life on the line. for years, you've been untouchable as "hachiroku," the drift queen whose AE86 has humiliated men with cars worth ten times yours. then he arrives. jimin—"jaque"—with his midnight purple skyline and spanish curses when he's pissed. cocky. reckless. the bastard who handed you your first and only defeat. now he's everywhere—leaning against your car, watching you with those eyes that see too much, calling you "princesa" just to watch you scowl. by day, you're trapped in a life of obligation—the perfect heiress engaged to the perfect son of the perfect family. by night, you're free. but freedom has a new price when jimin starts blurring lines you've carefully drawn, making you question which version of yourself is real.

✧ high-octane street racing culture ✧ heiress with a dangerous secret identity ✧ rivals-to-lovers with explosive chemistry ✧ forbidden attraction across social divides ✧ complex family legacies and responsibilities

if you crave stories where every rev of an engine feels like a heartbeat and every race is a confession—where two people from opposite worlds find freedom in the five seconds after the light turns green—this one will leave you breathless.

✧ ( in the presence of you ) - TBD

✧ aka IPY ✧ prince!seokjin x princess!reader | royalty, 1700/1800s

ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

when two kingdoms collide, the casualties are counted in pride. yours being the most devastating. aurenne's spoiled crown princess shipped off to daeryndor like a pretty peace offering—married to a man who treats you like an inconvenient ghost in his own palace. seokjin may have the demeanor of carved marble, but you've never met a statue you couldn't crack. too bad he seems immune to your charms, because he doesn't look at you during dinner. doesn't acknowledge your existence beyond what duty requires. and somehow that hurts worse than if he'd shown outright disdain. it wasn't supposed to be like this—you, the girl who's been adored your entire life, now sleeping ten feet from a husband who'd rather read diplomatic scrolls than touch you.

two kingdoms, two heirs, one marriage bed you're both too proud to share—until you're not.

✧ pride and prejudice but make it royal ✧ slow burn to rival an ice age ✧ bratty heiress meets stoic prince ✧ the most lavish emotional edging you'll ever read ✧ arranged marriage with actual character development

if you're drawn to stories where dignity crumbles one forbidden touch at a time... this tale will consume you completely.

✧ ( we grew up somewhere along the way ) - ongoing

✧ aka WGU ✧ hoseok x female reader

ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: [tumblr]

Author intros/tw.

five years in osaka turned hoseok into someone you barely recognize—a hentai manga artist with stained fingers and a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. you were supposed to get a coffee, catch up, and move on with your lives. instead, you keep finding excuses to show up at his tiny apartment, pretending it's not the only place in this foreign city that feels like it could be home. he still calls you "capy" like you're twelve, still sprawls across every inch of space like it belongs to him. you still call him "ott" with that eye roll that says you're above this, above him. but neither of you can explain why the air feels different when your knees touch under his drawing table, or why you keep volunteering to model for his stupid cat-girl character even though you'd rather die than admit it feels good when he tells you you're doing it right.

❀ childhood friends to strangers to something terrifying ❀ osaka, 2003—vending machines and konbini dinners ❀ GRUMPY (yn) x SUNSHINEEEE (hobi) ❀ two people avoiding adulthood at all costs ❀ "it's just for the manga" (it's not)

if you're into messy reconnections where the stupid nickname he gave you at nine still makes your stomach flip at twenty-five—where being known is both the most comforting and most terrifying feeling in the world—then you'll find yourself in every silence between their words.

✧ ( strings attached (to my heart) )

updates: when goal in part 2 is reached.

✧ aka SA(TMH), strings attached ✧ jungkook x female reader ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: part 1 | part 2

Author intros/tw.

when your local friendly neighborhood spider-man can't stop bringing you snacks at your favorite cafe, and a certain clumsy freshman keeps showing up at the most suspicious times, something's gotta give. featuring: a supply closet, some very interesting revelations, and jungkook absolutely losing it when you touch him.

✿ spiderman au ✿ college setting ✿ sexual tension ✿ virgin!jungkook ✿ 25k words of pure self-indulgence

if you're into flustered jungkook, secret identities, and things getting spicy in inappropriate places—this one might be your new favorite.

✧ ( off-labels ) — mini series | completed

✧ aka OL ✧ hoseok x female reader tumblr link 𝟘𝟙 | 𝟘𝟚 | 𝟘𝟛 | 𝟘𝟜 | 𝟘𝟝 | 𝟘𝟞 | 𝟘𝟟 | 𝟘𝟠 | 𝟘𝟡 | 𝟙𝟘 | 𝟙𝟙 AO3 link: [archive of our own] | wattpad: [wattpad]

Author intros/tw.

when your brother’s best friend is the golden boy of Seoul National’s medical program, and you’re just trying to survive your first year of med school without combusting every time he offers to “help you study.” between his perfectly pressed white coat, those steady hands that have probably held hearts, and the way he keeps finding excuses to explain anatomy in that low voice—you’re starting to think your chronic overthinking might be the least of your problems.

✿ medical school au ✿ brother’s best friend trope ✿ gentle!dom hoseok acting innocent ✿ plausible deniability king hoseok ✿ competency kink ✿ mini series

if you’re into smart men who pretend not to know what they’re doing, forbidden attraction, and things getting inappropriately educational in study rooms—this one’s for you.

✧ ( altars in shallow waters ) - ongoing

✧ aka ASW ✧ stalker!taehyung x ballerina!reader

ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05

Author intros/tw.

MOODBOARD.

in the forgotten corners of paris, where mold creeps up studio walls and mirrors collect the ghosts of movement, there's a ritual forming. he watches from the shadows as you dance—counting your breaths, cataloging your mistakes, collecting the ribbons you discard. his devotion isn't love. it's something older. something that reeks of salt water and rust. when your eyes finally meet his through smudged glass, something inside you recognizes the worship in his stare. you shouldn't want it. you shouldn't test how far his fixation goes. but there's something about being the center of someone's universe that makes even the most controlled people come undone.

✧ psychological fixation that blurs into reverence ✧ mirror-worship and the horror of being truly seen ✧ obsessive rituals disguised as coincidence ✧ rotting beauty in decaying urban spaces ✧ sea-salt imagery and drowning metaphors

if you crave stories where devotion becomes disease—where every accidental touch feels like baptism and every shared glance is confession—this will pull you under until you forget how to breathe. this isn't romance. it's what happens when two broken people turn each other into gods.

✧ ( margins ) - TBD

✧ aka MG ✧ jungkook x female reader

ao3 link: [archive of our own] wattpad link: [wattpad] tumblr link: 01

ko-fi

early access: 01

snippets

Author intros/tw.

london's literary golden boy meets his professional nightmare. he thinks bestseller status means rules don't apply. you think his ego deserves a restraining order. he submits manuscripts titled fuckyoufuckYOUFINAL.pdf at 3AM. you reply with perfectly formatted emails titled "Are You Serious Right Now." he leaves coffee rings on your desk. you've considered murder via papercut. the entire publishing house has evacuation protocols for when you're both in the same room. your coworkers have started a support group.

when his contract lands on the chopping block, you're both chained to an impossible deadline: 180 days, one book, one publicity tour, minimal bloodshed. then you find it—not his manuscript, but transcripts of every fight you've ever had. he's been studying you. using you. turning you into words on a page.

"she alphabetizes her bookshelf. i leave my manuscripts in the bathtub. we were never going to work."

✧ chaos gremlin vs. order overlord ✧ professional oil and water ✧ cat and dog vibes ✧ "did you seriously wear PJs to a BOARD MEETING" ✧ mutual screaming that produces bestsellers ✧ that exasperating workplace romcom energy where HR needs therapy

if you're trash for those dynamics where she's all structure and he's all impulse—where they fight like cats and dogs but somehow make the perfect disaster together—this one will have you bookmarking every delicious page.

[goldenlikedayl1ght]

wrote this on mobile, i fear it’s the only way i can write bc when i go to write on my laptop, i almost throw up. fuck my intro to law class i guess bc i did this instead of paying attention— anyways! brat tamer!matt murdock with a reader who cannot regulate her emotions. yall wanna give matt murdock a controversially young partner? im down, but my version of it is going to be emotionally immature and a little mentally ill. so. enjoy!

18+

brat tamer!matt murdock

-

you raise your hand to smack him in the face—

you just cannot help it.

your emotions swing like a pendulum— somedays you feel nothing, and pray to god that it won’t last forever (it never does, but it always feels like it will). and other days, you feel so intensely you can’t breath.

lately, you and matt have been trying to work on this. he asks you to verbalize the things you’re feeling, to work through them until you reach a more moderate level of emotion.

but you can only do so much— the universe has to work with you here, give you some sort of break.

it just so happens that this asshole is testing your patience.

he’s just some new douchebag who came to work for the firm, and you suspect he won’t last long. but all you asked him to do was email you a file he wrote!

but his response made you want to kill him.

“in a minute. just cause you’re sleeping with the boss doesn’t mean you can order me around.”

you almost yell at him, but then you breath, reminding yourself you can handle this.

but he keeps pushing you. keeps tormenting you.

and when you lose it and almost hit him, suddenly a warm hand wraps around your wrist, his grip like a vice.

“let’s go for a walk.” matt’s voice is soft, but firm. no room for negotiations.

so you turn to leave with him, your anger still bubbling in your stomach.

the asshole you work with smirks.

“daddy’s calling.”

you turn around to try and say—

“you know what, asshole—“

but matt just turns you back, his hand on your arm like you’re guiding him but he is most definitely guiding you, and the way his grip feels, it’s not up to interpretation.

“let’s go for a walk.” he repeats. if you weren’t so pissed, that might’ve been hot.

you and matt walk quietly. the air is thick with tension until he finds his office door. the blinds are already closed, so he just stands in front of the door as you pace, still buried deep in your emotions.

you’re angry. you’re so pissed off—

not only did that asshole torment you, you hate matt for stopping you from hitting him, for cutting into the situation— you had it handled and matt embarrassed you.

you want to yell at him, to scream at him— there’s a childish urge to tell him that he’s not your dad, like some angsty teenager.

guilt and shame washes over you like a storm, as thunder rumbles in the distance.

“whatever you’d like to say, i suggest you say it.”

his nonchalance only angers you more.

“you’re such a—“ you cut yourself off with a frustrated ‘mmm’, clenching your teeth. matt’s noticed this habit of yours, getting so close to telling people how you feel, even if it’s irrotational.. but you never do.

but matt is your better half. he wants you to say what you feel.

“go ahead.”

his encouragement is gentle, and you’re even angrier for it.

“i could’ve handled that!” and when it starts, you can’t stop. “i could’ve fucking handled that, yeah, maybe hitting him wasn’t my brightest idea, but jesus christ! you proved his point! i hate that everyone here thinks i get special treatment because i know how to properly suck you off! i hate that everyone here thinks i didn’t work for everything i have just because you asked me on a date a long time ago!”

you’re not angry that you’re in a relationship with him— he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you, but you can’t deny how it complicates your work. and your work is maybe the most important thing in your life— you have worked ridiculously hard for this, you have given blood, sweat, and tears for this. through periods of isolating numbness and deep, dark depression, you have pulled yourself together to get your job done.

so it angers you deeply that some people think you only have what you do because you have a drawer in matt’s dresser.

after a moment of your heavy breathing, you begin to feel the cool numbness poke at your skin.

“anything else?” he wonders.

you bite your tongue.

“everyone thinks you’re gonna fuck me right now. fuck the attitude out of me.”

matt doesn’t respond.

you laugh. it’s angry, it’s bitter.

“that was your plan? to continue to prove them right?”

“no.” matt begins, leaning his cane against one of the windows and beginning to approach you, slowly, like he’s worried about scaring you off. “no, my plan was to not have you hit one of my employees. no matter how much he deserved it.”

because really, if he wasn’t so worried about you hitting him, he would have gotten concerningly close to doing it himself.

“but fucking me, it would’ve been a nice bonus?” you spit, and you realize what you want is to push him, to push him to be as angry as you are.. and you’re not even sure why.

he says your name gently.

“don’t be a brat,” he starts, “i’m trying to help you.”

you roll your eyes, and matt’s eyebrows raise like a warning. you ignore it.

“no, you’re right,” you begin, “here, i’ll play the game—“ and matt inhales deeply, knowing that today will be a long long day. you step closer to him and twist his tie in your fingers. “mr. murdock,” your voice drops to a sarcastically sultry tone, “thanks so much for helping me not punch the fucking idiot who thinks he’s better than everyone else. i so appreciate it, let me make it up to you?”

you watch as his jaw tenses.

“sweetheart—“

“what? am i doing something wrong? to make you upset, mr murdock? angry?”

“i’m not kidding.”

“neither am i,” you say, and matt can practically taste your anger, it seeps out of your pores like sweat, your heart racing. “all i want to do is thank you for making me look like a fucking sugar baby,” rage drips from your words like venom and matt can feel the anger slowly seeping from you and into him.

he tries one more time.

“don’t.” is his simple command. full of authority.

“don’t what?” you ask, leaning in so your lips graze his ear, just barely, “everyone already thinks it. let me thank my big strong old man for coming to my rescue and making me look like a fucking—“

matt’s hand grips your jaw tightly and before you can even realize what he’s done. he squeezes, and he relishes in the sound of your breath hitching.

looks like someone forgot to be scared.

“stop it.” his voice is stern. “i know you’re upset, but—“

you can’t help it. you’ve never known when to shut up when matt’s around.

“upset? i’m fucking pissed—“

matt digs his nails into your skin, and listens to you whimper.

“shh,” he starts, “it’s listening time, sweetheart.” his voice is soft, considering the nasty things he wants to do you right now.

your jaw tenses with anger, but when you don’t say anything back, he continues—

“i know you’re upset.” he repeats, “and i get it. you know i do.” of course you do. he’s the devil for a reason— he’s the fucking king of unregulated emotions. but this isn’t about him. “but you can’t hit people at work. i know you know that. close your eyes.”

“murdock, i swear—“

he squeezes your jaw tighter.

“what did i just say?”

you don’t respond.

“no, go ahead. what did i just say?”

this is embarrassing.. but it’s kind of hot.

“to listen.”

his thumb rubs your jawline affectionately.

“see? i knew you could pay attention. now close your eyes.”

you obey.

“now, breath. in through your nose and out through your mouth.” he commands, beginning to breath deeply with you.

in.

the anger swirls inside of you, getting wrapped up like a cobweb in a broom.

out.

after a few cycles of breathing in and then slowly exhaling, your anger has subsided.. but now you feel bad. and you still feel embarrassed, bratty..

and turned on.

oops.

when he’s satisfied with your steady breathing and even steadier heartbeat, he starts again.

“doesn’t that feel better?”

you want to be childish. you want to tell him to fuck off, to lie and say that no, it doesn’t feel better. hitting that asshole would’ve made you feel better.

matt’s hand squeezes tighter, demanding an answer.

“yeah.” is all you say, because you know how close you dance to fire.

he smirks, relishing in the way you squirm under his touch.

“yeah?” he starts, and leans in, beginning to kiss your neck, his stubble scratching your skin. “i’m sure it does, baby,” and you begin to feel a new sort of warmth— not the fiery anger you’re so accustomed to, and not the cold numbness you despise.

a gentle warmth, like the embers of a dying fire on a cold night. just enough to lure you in, desperate for more.

and matt can tell. he can tell based on the way your fingers curl around his arms, based on the skipping beat of your heart. it brings a smirk to his face.

“yeah, i know,” he says, his lips beginning to travel up your skin to your ear— “you just need someone to take care of you, huh?” his free hand moves to your thigh, squeezing gently before his fingers dip beneath the edge of your skirt, “you just need someone to take care of you, don’t you?” he coos like you’re stupid, and it makes you shudder as his fingers begin to massage your clit over your panties.

you let out a soft whine as he continues to kiss the skin of your neck.

"i'm going to fuck you with my fingers," when you whine, he bites down on your neck, "shh, listen to me, pretty thing," he starts, "i'm going to fuck you with my fingers and make sure you remember who you're dealing with. understand?"

you let out a soft sort of whine, but his fingernails dig into your skin again.

"give me a proper answer or i'll stop."

"yes," you say breathlessly, "i understand," and he leans in to kiss your forehead, uncharacteristically sweet of him in this moment.

"good." he pulls his hand out from under your skirt and slips two fingers between your lips so you can get them wet, but as he does, you hear him mutter-- "fucking brat, always forgetting who you're dealing with."

yeah, you two are a match made in heaven.

or, hell, if that's how you'd prefer to think about it.

[stilljuststardust]

✧𝑴𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕✧

✧ Intro link ✧ simplified explanation ✧ post list ✧

Disclaimer: I have grown a lot since I first started this blog and so have my views on LOA and shifting. If you don't agree with me on something I say that's fine! My word isn't law and you can believe whatever you want. This is just my personal experiences and thoughts.

✧To the point

Your subconscious has one job. It provides evidence to whatever you tell it. If you repeatedly tell it that something is true it has no choice but to prove that to you.

You have FINAL say. Whatever you say is yes. You are the only thing that matters. Everything that is currently "opposing" you is malleable. Nothing has power over you so everything outside of yourself that says otherwise is irrelevant.

When you change the physical world will too. Stay consistent.

✧Top posts:

✧The senses shift last

✧What do I do if nothing works

✧The basics

✧Persistence, not perfection

✧YOU shape your assumptions

✧How to persist when you know it's not here

✧Things to remember with shifting

✧its ok to feel like shit

✧affirm and persist (robotic affs)

✧Shift the 4D first

✧Robotic affirmation challenge

✧Simplified explanation of shifting

✧My personal favorite posts:

✧Other peoples posts that I think you should read

✧How to break negative thought cycles

Advice posts:

✧You are not stuck

✧You are not Sisyphus

✧You're not doing anything wrong, the "key" to LOA/shifting

✧Your desired reality already exists

✧Nothing is true until you decide it is

✧You are the void state

✧The way we think about shifting sets us up to "fail"

✧How to make your own subliminal

✧Emotional regulation

✧You aren't persisting

[yup-no-way]

Astro Observations

Hi there! This is going to be a short intro to my blog. It’s currently like 2am in my timezone and I was scrolling through Tumblr(as one does) and I realised I enjoy this app too much to not start posting stuff on it. I don’t know what this blog is going to be targeted mostly for but I think I’ll focus on astrology. If u enjoy this post and would maybe be interested in reading my 3 am brainrot, this is the page for you.

These observations are based on my personal experiences so don’t take it as full facts. These placements can also be influenced by other things in someone’s chart like degrees, houses and aspects. Also if u have any suggestions for what content you’d like to see feel free to let me know. English is not my first language lads so don’t drag me for grammatical errors. xoxo

Aries moon: crash out final boss, yous need to learn how to regulate your emotions omg. They r the type of people to get mad ab smth so fast and cool down just as fast. All I will say is that if u have a parents with this placement, you are a victim 😔

Pisces sun: one of the most complex sun signs imo. Them being the last of all zodiac signs, taking small traits from every zodiac does reflect a lot in them. It’s rlly hard to pinpoint stereotypes to them based on this placement alone since the rest of their chart rlly does affect this placement(that goes for all chart tbh but I noticed for Pisces sun that this placement is the hardest to pinpoint). Overall I find this placement not as lazy and delusional as people make it to be. They are quite smart but their issue stems from their lack of organisation and task management which can lead to a scattered mind. They should learn more from their sister sign Virgo and gather their thoughts so they can reach their full potential. If evolved can be very articulated, intuitive and loyal. If not then gg. They can get quite selfish and stingy. So be aware.

Gemini Venus: ur cooked. That’s it basically. Cause how do u strive for deep connections and understanding in relationships but can’t commit to anyone to save your life. Also not every person that slightly resonates to your ideologies is the love of your life. Sorry guys! You r fun tho.

Cancer sun: this is mostly for men cancer sun, but I feel like the stereotype of crybabies doesn’t rlly apply to them. Met so many cancer sun men in my life and every single one has shed prolly one tear in front of me. They rlly only cry in very bad situations, apart from that they r passive aggressive lords. They would rather chew a jean jacket than not be petty and passive aggressive.

Also noticed they tend to strive for validation from other people and might struggle with self love. On the bright side they can be very fun to be around and rlly easy to talk to.

Aries Venus: I’ll stand by my statement but I don’t think Aries Venus placement people are as flimsy and we make them to be. I think most people that I’ve met with this placement rlly are very loyal and passionate lovers, they just need to find someone that can ignite that spark in them really. One thing ab Aries Venus is that they know when they want u, and you’ll know it too. For them attraction/love at first sight can be a very real thing. If an Aries Venus is still in a talking stage with u for longer than a month and doesn’t seem to take it further, then they just don’t want u that bad cause if they did they want u to be their as soon as they lay their eyes on u. And once u r in a relationship and they really find you and interesting person they WILL STAY FOREVER, good luck escaping.

Scorpio Venus: I will keep this brief. Stop romanticising toxic dynamics. This placement can be so beautiful and harmonious once developed. Undeveloped tho… u guys will have a whole family and still think of your ex from 10 years ago who did you so dirty but smh they r “the love of your life” and “the one who got away”.

I had to come back to this one again and say smth else. THEY R LOYAL if evolved. They will literally burn the world down for you (same goes for Scorpio suns)

Taurus sun: love-hate relationship personally with this placement. If developed this placement is beautiful all around, but if not… worst people you will ever meet, I promise you that. They will be sneaky, manipulative, controlling, lack direction and a backbone, god complex, gossip a lot and overall not reliable people. If the placement is evolved tho you guys r genuinely so full of grace in every approach in life. This placement is quite interesting for me since I got done so wrong but so well by Taurus people so that’s why it’s 50/50 for me .( did notice tho that all the tauruses I got along with were April ones not May so take that as you will)

Scorpio sun: Can u tell i am rlly intrigued by scorpio placements. I love love love this placement in women and absolutely dislike this placement in men. For some reason it manifests so differently in women compared to men. They r either all in or all out. Also most people w this placement that I’ve met have always had quite niche interests and they lowkey love obsessing over things. This placement in a nutshell is going from one hyper fixation to another. They can go on hours talking about their interests and then going non verbal right after. When they love, they LOVE. If they rlly care about u they will be so observant and once they chose u, good luck getting away. Also want to give a shoutout to people with heavy Scorpio and aqua placements in their chart. Hang in there soldier, it doesn’t get easier but you will(hopefully) learn to deal with the mental back and forth. 😌

This is the end of the blog. If u acc read all my blabber and u enjoyed it then might as well keep an eye out for what I have to say in future posts. Good night/evening/morning to everyone

[pumpkinheadspacestation]

Agere age guide

3 years addition

Hi every tiny and big! Make sure to check out my previous age guides!

Intro post

One year babies

Two year babies

I also want to add that not everything here will be accurate to all toddlers that regress to the threes and age regression is very fluid and individual to each and every tiny!

Traits And Behaviors

☠︎︎This is about the age that tiny tots start to identify with gender, they may gravitate towards certain styles and colors now

☠︎︎They can follow simple and short instructions

☠︎︎Now is about the age that these tiny tots start to like playing with other kiddos, instead of parallel play, they may enjoy playing together in games like dolls, they may build blocks together, simple puzzles are good too

☠︎︎Along side with being more interested in companionship, these kiddos may have a hard time sharing and need to be taught how to share

☠︎︎Usually in the two to three age range, these tots are just figuring out their emotions and learning how to manage their big feels, that being said, they may have a lot harder time regulating their emotions and they may have tantrums and meltdowns.

☠︎︎These babies are speaking in full sentences and are starting to express their needs with words and actions

☠︎︎Tots in their threes are starting to spring and walk around freely, you may catch them starting to climb things, jumping about, and running around the house. Even with these teeny toddlers starting to run about, their balance isn't the best yet, so make sure to be there in case they fall

☠︎︎These babies are starting to use the potty by themselves! Babies anywhere from 1.5-3 are starting to potty train, you may want to have these tots in pull ups when they go to bed but slowly, they'll become fully potty trained and need less and less help in the bathroom!

Activities

☠︎︎These tots are well on their way to doing most anything else any other kiddo can do! Big kid games may not be the best fit but most other things are on the table!

☠︎︎Sensory toys are tons of fun for these little babies, play-doh, sensory cubes, rattles and new textures to experience are lots of fun for these babies

☠︎︎Water play is a new and fun thing for these babies! Set up a fun bath with toys and bubbles and bath bombs and it'll sure be a blast for your regressor

☠︎︎These tiny tykes are starting to have more fun playing outside, mud pies and playing in the sprinkler are a must outside in the summertime and snowmen and Snowball fights will be tons of fun in the winter

☠︎︎Babies this age are starting to enjoy puzzles, playing puzzle games and putting together puzzles can be great fun for tots in their threes

The Foooddsss

These lil ones enjoy simpler tasting food, not many threes enjoy elaborate meals, a turkey sandwich with apple slices will do just fine. These babies are starting to figure out what they like and don't like, they've been eating solid foods for a bit now and they're trying new foods everyday. It's also important to note that these teenies are at a snacking age, they're rarely interested in sitting down to have a big meal three times a day, it's better to offer a bunch of small snacks throughout the day.

Shows And Movies

Similar to the ones and twos, these tiniest enjoy animated shows, maybe shows with shorter episodes since now these babies are up and running around. Movies may be a little too long for these tiny tykes but short shows are great, turning on shows like bluey, Daniel tiger or doc mcstuffins are great shows for these babies.

Boundaries And Safeties!

I think the most important note I could give everyone cg reading this post is just to get to know your tot, it can be awkward to bring up their tiny space especially if your baby is shy but the awkward conversations are important! Ask your baby what shows they like, what makes them feel safe, whether they like pull ups or they're potty trained, what foods they like, if they like to sleep with cg or they like to sleep in a crib, important questions

[url0calnb]

Ok so most of this art is SUUUPER old (like 1-2 years old?) But I really wanted to introduce these guys on here! I have a ton of stuff about them on my insta but because I'm moving to tumblr I wanted to make a big intro post for them!

This is my TMNT AU! This post will only include the 4 turtles +April and casey cause I haven't designed anyone else yet really, they have notes and stuff on their refs but I wanna write some stuff too!

Leo is 18 years old, is the identical twin of Mikey, and is a trans woman! She and Mikey share the leader role, being the oldest they look out for their younger siblings! Leo is more reserved and soft spoken but is also fiercely protective of her family! Her and April are daiting also! Leo also has OCD so she struggles with anxiety and paranoia but her family helps her and supports her!

Mikey and Leo hatched from the same egg, their egg was taken and injected with mutagen by the Foot Clan before they hatched! They were the 3rd and 4th experiments of the Foot Clan (hence the tatoos on their face), respectively, the first 2 having passed after hatching. Leo has arthritis in her knees (the knee brace) and struggles to stand for long periods of time. Mikey is more outgoing and relaxed, though just as protective over his family. He is the only one allowed to drive (according to Splinter) though he's currently teaching Raph and Donnie to drive! They have a truck that she(Mikey) and Don fixed up together though they don't get to drive often. Mikey is also daiting Mondo and Renet (they're poly) and has adhd

Don and Raph were also experiments of the Foot Clan, stolen by Splinter as eggs and raised by him once they hatched. Raph is the youngest, being a month younger than Donnie. Donnie loves to make things and fix things. They love learning how machines and tech works, it's their special interest! Don is autistic and has bad eyesight and aren't the most coordinated. Mikey also has bad eye sight and his heart-shaped glasses are prescription! Oh and Donnie and Casey are in a queer platonic relationship!

Raph is the youngest and has the biggest personality. He loves animals and plants and uses his interests as an outlet for his anger issues. She likes to paint as well and her room is full of things he's painted. She has a pet bird named Soda! He found Soda when he was little and Soda is her best friend (other than Casey). He doesn't always think things through and acts impulsively a lot but she does her best to keep herself in check and find healthy ways to deal with her emotions (she is also autistic and has trouble regulating her emotions.) She has a HUUUGE crush on Y'Gthba aka Mona and Y'Gthba has a HUUUGE crush on him! But they're both to scared to admit it to each other so ya.

Casey is 17 like Raph and Don and those three are best friends, they do literally everything together. Casey loves hockey, food, and music! He plays the drums and bass guitar! He taught Raph how to play the drums too and is teaching Donnie how to play bass! He has a little sister named Angel and he loves her to bits!

April is Casey's tutor and best friend also! She loves journalism, writing and photography and is the head of her and Casey's highschool newspaper! She's a huge book girlie and loves to info dump to Leo about her newest read!

TLDR: Gay, neurodivergent turtles and their happy, healthy family <3

(Sry for any mistakes I typed this really fast and just skimmed for typos)

[holisticghost]

heeyyyyy chat so recently i've come up with the terror x buffy the vampire slayer AU and couldn't stop thinking about it since then. here it is (the 1st iteration, if you will):

*buffy the vampire slayer intro starts playing*

northern england, modern times. hellmouth has been opened under the Town. and now the devilish creatures are messing with the lives of ordinary people.

solomon tozer — 36, the chosen one, tired. due to the prophecy sol shall be murdered by an ancient vampire.

cornelius hickey — 226, vampire with a human soul (iykyk). killed his sire and took his name. "at first it confused the vampire community of the Town a lot."

billy gibson — human. digs victorian aesthetics. unfazed by cornelius hickey since day one. hickey thought it was a great opportunity to get a new familiar but gibson rejected the promise of an eternal life.

"STOP offering me an Eternal Life

• we all know what the pain of loss is thanks

• theres no single damn thing in there i wanna see

• We found EVERYTHING that taste good 1. Pudding 🍮 2. scones 🥐

• 12301320 undiscovered emotions go to hell"

anyway, one day gibson and hickey are together. the other they are not.

terror & erebus — two divisions of a secret evil fighting organisation. it was founded by john franklin. historically, women are not allowed to fight evil.

crozier — the head of terror division. reserved ol' fella. doesn't like the evil but respects it after all (& set connections a long time ago). sometimes he goes on a mission himself although his subordinates talk him out all the time. wants to work with sophia but franklin won't revise the regulations (out of superstition).

fitzjames — the head of erebus. can't stand evil. monitors the compliance with the regulations & thoroughly examines his subordinates' gear. has to respect crozier's hellish connections. solely because of crozier.

silna — witch. ceo & founder of a development company (eco & sustainable cottages are developed).

thomas jopson — an Entity. i haven't come up with which one YET. he works in a town archive. has business (not at all) relations with crozier in order to balance the level of evil in the town. no one remembers his predecessor who quit their job a long time ago. jopson's looking good for his years. by the way, how old is jopson?..

lady jane (she's called lady for her immaculate manners and just out of respect) & sophia — founded their own small organisation to fight the evil as a protest to franklin's organisation. they often help terror ("you won't last a week without women"), but crozier never includes it in the reports. terror sponsors lady jane with decommissioned stakes, bullets, guns, etc.

stanley, mcdonald, peddie — the watchers. the council will decide... who tozer will fight this time instead of having a pint. mcdonald is friendly enough to have a chit chat with and drink some tea. only mcdonald had a way into stanley's heart. stanley treats his job Very Seriously. the other two are no less of experts but just chiller.

goodsir — a new watcher. missed the moment when everything got so serious. keeps records of every defeated creature: sketches them, puts everything about them down and researches them in The Old Books (finally he has access to them). tries to befriend some of the creatures the way crozier has but generally his new "friends" are killed too soon. probably at times it can be avoided but it's too late. and who's gonna listen to him anyway.

heather — tozer's oblivious mate. bouncer at a local pub. on weekends joins tozer to have a pint or two at a pub across the road. the music there is better.

[eklesia-system]

INTRO: We Are Eklesia

Updated intro post since our first one is a bit outdated. :0 Hi! We're the Eklesia System, AKA Eklesia. Alternately we've considered "the Mosaic System" so Mosaic is an appropriate name for us too. We collectively use they/them and call ourselves masculine nonbinary.

We're a system of 150-200 members and most of us are fictives or sourced. (Be aware that Adam D does not like being called a fictive due to his source.) Not everyone fronts, but everyone is valued here.

Derek Rex attests to have been one of the first headmates, forming at age 6 alongside JJ. We think we're traumagenic, specifically eisotraumagenic (nontypical trauma that isn't the usual prolonged parental abuse), BUT we may well be mixed origins.

Regardless of our own origins though, we're not ones to discriminate based on system origin. ^o^ Peeps is peeps.

---

Here are our CURRENT most active members (as of January 26, 2025); Host and Co-Host roles constantly change so we will not be indicating these here.

Adam V - Self Confidence, Impulse Holder, Judgment Holder, Emotional Protector (16, he/him) 🌈 @adam-the-fictive

Alden - Unknown Role, New and Very Active (28, he/him) 🍪

Alpha - Nonhuman (Dog), Connected to Cirros (he/it) 🐶

Archie - Functional Gatekeeper (50s, he/him) 🎩

Bad Wolf - AKA "Warning", Taker of Responsibility (30ish, he/him) ⚠️

Beccs - Observer, System Mom, Primary Spirit Protector (26, she/they) 🏵

Blindeye - Persecutor, Physical Protector (19, he/him) 🙈

Bluefire - "Fuck All", Spitfire (16, he/it) 👎

Cirros - Endurance, Courage, Guard of Blindeye (18, he/him) 🏷

Derek - Logic, Host of Tree Cutters Sidesystem, Persecutor to some (17, he/stone) ☕️

Dorian - Observer (he/they) 🏜

Duck - Trauma Holder, Mainframe Interface (19, he/him) 🦆

Esau - AKA "Watchful", Fear Holder, Guilt Holder, Trauma Holder (32, he/him) 👀

Evan Wolf Night (EWN) - Obsession Holder, Creative Muse (17-19, he/him) 🌒

Kai Breach - Training Gatekeeper (14, he/him) 🍩

Kai - Trauma Holder, Town Drunk (26, he/him) 🍺

Khaz - Caretaker, Self Love, Task Manager, Sexual Protector (23, he/him) 🦋

Les - Emotional Gatekeeper, System Troll /j (17, he/they) 🦎

Luc - Chef, Social Protector, ADHD Holder (22, he/it) 👽

Phoenix - Primary Memory Holder, System Overseer (16, he/him) 🐓

Puppetmaster - Prankster, Analysis (16, he/him) 🎈

Remy - Emotional Protector and Regulator, System Maintenance, Compassion (16, he/him) 🐙

Sai - Artisan, Observer, Spirit (20, he/him) 🌊

Shadow - Internal Security Chief, Health Manager, Self Control (18, he/him) 🦇

Sibley - Peace, Soother, Median Gatekeeper (15, they/them) ☁️

Sidney/Sid - Truth, Memory Holder, Role Organizer (18, he/they/she) ❄️

Skeet - Escapism, Common Sense (16, he/him) 🏁 @skeetposting

Sleet - Anger Holder, Rebellion, Justice, Protector (19, he/him) 🍊

Snowy - Functional Little, Emotional Support Spatter (any pronouns) 🌨

Vertex - Void Holder, Emotional Protector (24, he/they) 😶

---

Thanks for checking us out. :0 We mostly just reblog stuff that interests us, and talk about whatever we feel like talking about. Usually positive-neutral but there are rants too. Thanks again!

-Eklesia🔱

We have a couple of art blogs to be aware of too: @valarioncy - The Hollow fanworks and human art @cyrokin444 - Our furry and animal art blog (it's sfw :>)

We do commissions!

[infamous-if]

Do you have any advice on writing multilayered characters that may be unhealthy and writ unhealthy relationship dynamics without making it something people don't want to root for? The way you write Seven and ValenReign (specifically G) is impressive because they are obviously toxic and have unhealthy dynamics but they're not villains. And you write them in a way that still makes them easy to root for.

Well, first, thank you for thinking so !!

I think what helps is not seeing characters as a trope to fulfill or describing them as one thing. In my intro post you see things like THE IDOL and THE RIVAL and those are good names to describe the flavor of the route, but I don't want them reduced to that. Every dynamic that I write has a reason behind it. Orion is the way he is with MC because of his experience with workplace relationships. Seven is the way they are because of their abandonment issues with their father and their codependency issues + their issues with regulating their emotions. G is the way they are for reasons I can't say, but mainly fame. There are clear reasons as to why, and I think it helps make the character more sympathetic when you see the how and why.

It's more that "I dislike this character but I understand the way are" or "I like this character because I relate to the way they are" or "sympathize with what happened to them that made them this way."

Blake is meant to be a villain but I've had asks that admit they see where they're coming from. I think it's making sure not to make everything so black and white. I feel like doing so makes it very easy to make it feel very comic book villainish.

Basically, context!

[myhiddenhealth]

Hello! My name is Ren! I’m 17 (18 in less than a month!) and this is my intro post!

I have multiple chronic illnesses. POTS, EDS, chronic migraines, and overall chronic pain. I have autism, and mental health conditions. OCD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and an eating disorder.

Some things I find comforting is watching tv, doodling, making jewelry, journaling, scrapbooking, or listening to music! These help me regulate my emotions, and distract me from everything going on!

I started this blog to make friends who are struggling with the same conditions! I would also love some pen pals that I can communicate with!

I hope you all are having a great day!

Love,

Ren💐

[ringchollyandfriends]

A little context before I go into a lot of details.

BEHAVIOR/TRAINING HELP

Elliot acts like Nelly, my cat, is a prey (despite not wanting to hurt her) and it has to stop, but I don't know how.

How do I teach Elliot to self regulate.

If you want, you can skip the intro/more detailed part— FROM HERE

Elliot loves chasing Nelly and gets very intense around her— things I do not find acceptable and I have been putting Elliot on a leash whenever that happens and Nelly has access to half of the house behind a gate away from Elliot.

(By intense I mean: barking, whining, yelling, pulling, jumping, running, etc.)

But, to me, that's it a successful integration, it's not even an integration at all, really.

Elliot does not want to harm Nelly, which is good, but I think that the fact he acts is threatening to Nelly.

And her safety matters.

Yesterday, during the scary tornado event (we are safe now), Elliot was in the car with me, Bean and Nelly and he was unable to calm down. Barking, whining, trying to get to her.

0/10.

Thankfully, once at the shelter, we were able to keep Nelly away from Elliot, but still.

I do not want this is happen again.

I do not blame Elliot in itself— he sees an animal he wants to chase/smell/etc. So he does.

But it can't keep going on like this, Nelly deserves a safe space and I just. I do not want my dog to act this way with my indoor cat at all.

TO HERE.

All of this stems, once again, from Elliot's inability to self regulate in certain situations.

I truly think that if he learns how to calm down when his emotions rise (excitement, joy, stress, etc.), he would have a significantly easier time. So would Nelly and so would I.

But I do not know how to teach him.

I contacted a behavior consultant and I should get an answer on wether or not I was accepted for financial aid on Monday.

But if that's not an option?

I'm probably going to brain storm any idea I can think of later, but I was wondering if:

1. anyone has ever dealt with a similar situation AND successfully taught their dog how to self regulate AND/OR to be calm around cats.

2. If anyone has a recommendation for professional help (yourself! or someone else) who would be able to help with the self regulation side of things (obedience is connected and is NOT bad, but I'd like to go to the source rather than "only" teaching Elliot that when Nelly is around, he should look at me.)

3. I am open to any suggestions that is kind, free of pain or discomfort at that point.

Thank you very much 🧡

Nelly being cute for tax!

[smiling-stel]

Tokyo Debunker ep 12 spoilers

Ep. 12: [The Cry of the Cat]

Holy sht this episode just made me more curious ab the logistics of Towa's powers

Cause unlike Mc, we been knowing he's got a hand on the weather

But is his power the type to have a cost?? Or is it just the kind to be one where he gets to live with it, but the con IS the power itself

Cause having the weather tied to ur emotions means u have to alw havr to manage ur emotions well, but- tbh, not like he really cares to so ig its not a con that bothers him that much

See, it seems he has a passive and an active part to his power. Cause the passive being his emotions affecting the weather. And the active we have seen twice now - once in this ep and once in the underwater ep 3 - where he actively controls the wind to make a whirlwind to use for his convience + in ep 12 Towa himself explicitly says he uses the wind to make his jumps really efficient

^ dialouge from ep 12, ch 19

So does his power usage cost him something?

○ In the previous scene before Towa's pain flash in ep 12, ch 15, we see him using his Active Ability to whirlwind the ducks back into their pen.

. And in the intro scenes before they even get to the farm, we know there was some funky weather changes happening like a gust of wind knocking open the door coincidentally to let the whole interior of the Jabberwock dorm ice over - COUGH - right after Ren n Haru go back n forth ab the heater being broke - COUGH - and then Ren's window Specifically breaking when he leaves all the work for Mc n Towa to wrap up the animals in blankets..

- Not saying Towa used his powers [Actively] there, but yea- no, he's definitely using his power cause I would too, Ren's annoyingly not a team player.

But this argument i have less solid evidence for

Other than the fact Towa's records of controlling the weather passively in the past havent exactly shown any effort on his part to keep his emotions regulated

Bro welcomes the abrupt changes n continues to leave his mood swinging even if it means he's using his energy

○ So either it doesn't cost much to where Towa can afford to Not Care ab minimizing his mood swings, or that's just the kind of person he is - like he can't help his sudden mood swings - n he just deals w the aftermath later

○ either way, he's using his powers hella

And in the previous times he's used his powers, we probably don't see his aftermath pain cause the episode ends (ep 3's whirlwind usage) or maybe he's able to play it off by going off somewhere on his own (mentioned various times as a behavioral habit of Towa's, also as a foil to Ren's habit of alw staying inside)

○ and its possible his powers are still hurting him the previous times

-

. But aren't there anomalies that can alfict flash pains this ep?

♤ True. The cat anomaly does aoe psyc dmg - (or more specifically, it mentally attacks those who have seen it) - so Towa could have very well been suffering a pain flash from the cat

But this entire episode, all four members + peekaboo are affected by the cat's psyc atks at the same time. Theyve never heard the "reconcile with the cat" msgs on their own probably cause they've alw seen the cat with another member there

♤ The only time Towa could've been afflicted alone was when he was talking to the cat in the middle of the night

♤ But thats not how this specific "reconcile with the cat" atk msg works

This whole time ive been saying it came from the cat, - which is partly true cause seeing the cat is the trigger - but actually the atk's power comes from the dog, which we see explained in ep 12, ch 29

And that's also an aoe that only affects those who have seen the cat - but it happens to everyone at the same time cause the dog doesn't have good control over his msg due to being old, explained in ch 29-30

(^ Its msg is like a warning out of care, but since its said so loudly and directly to the brain, it comes off basically like a threat, causing people to go crazy with fear)

♤ Towa talking to the cat at night actually spared him from that psyc msg atk cause the dog was asleep

But in the scene where Towa had the pain flash it was day time

♤ And according to the patterns observable from how the cat's and dog's powers work, Ren - who was with Towa at this scene - shouldve also suffered if it were the cat's or the dog's psyc atks. Cause all members have seen the cat by this point, and the dog's msg should be aoe due to lack of control on the dog's part

But Ren wasn't in pain.

So it must not be the cat nor the dog hurting Towa in ch 13 of this ep.

♤ confirmed, Towa's not being hurt by the anomalies

-

So what is the drawback specifically?

♡ In ep 12, we see him hunched over in fetal position out of breath suddenly, only for this flash of pain to leave as quickly as it came once Towa snapped the antler accessory he was wearing, snapping himself out of the pain also, quite literally

^ ep 12, ch 15

♡ Haru himself also brushes it off really quick, within a single line---

^ ch 15 as well

♡ ofc this was also before Haru knew what the anomalies were exactly, so it could be just his normal reaction

which MIGHT be on-brand for him to brush past pains cause he's 1. desensitized since he often gets hurt himself, and 2. got too much on his hands to overly worry ab something that's alr past, even if its others' conditions at stake

♡ But it could also mean Towa often has flash pains for Haru to just accept it n move on despite being on a mission with a potential anomaly

In Haru's defense, ur honor, Towa does act pretty spontaneously most the time. We won't even get into how abrupt his mood swings can be... anyways!

^ ch 15 from the top tho

♡ so its pain so bad that it has Towa kneeling over, AND it leaves on its own as suddenly as it comes?? (Lmao period cramps be like)

I wonder if the cost of using his powers is literally just physical pains? It doesn't seem to make him bleed or bruise, ...that we know of-

♡ so potentially cramping pains?

-

Also I couldnt help but notice the title for ch 15 Points Out this weird reaction

^ "An Old Shrine and some Odd Behavior "

☆ 'Odd Behavior' ???

At first glance its just ur regular ch title that's neat and vauge. It fits in w all the other ch titles in this ep

☆ But after reading the ch itself, the title only goes to Highlight how weird that flash of pain was. And also how it wasnt explained??

Cause again- it can't be the anomalies of this ep affecting Towa cause Ren wasn't affected n that's not how the anomalies' powers work

-=+=-

So in summary:

Towa, who just used his whirlwind right before this flash of pain + probably let his emotions passively control the weather before they left the dorm - who isn't in pain cause of this episode's anomalies - and that pain being quick to resolve itself without any external aid??

Yea, all signs point to him having drawbacks to using his power

N while we don't have explicit confirmation (as of ep 12) that was why he was in pain, just the fact the story seemed to single out this one event that has nothing to do with this episode's anomaly case seems to make it foreshadowing/prepping for a fun reveal of one of the many ghouls' powers :DD

[atiny-for-life]

Ateez's Full Storyline Explained - Part 20

( MAJOR LORE UPDATES - I'm really excited!)

Masterlist

Will - The World Ep. Fin Diary Entries:

The Intro provides us with a bit of backstory to the setting of 'Crazy Form':

The city is currently mid-Revolution: the people who left the system (now classified as Sense Offenders) are actively fighting against the ones still trapped within - tensions are mighty high to say the least.

Graffiti proclaiming "Wake up" and "Be free" covers the city walls, though it has been hidden by the suppressors under concealment screens (this is something we get to see in the MV).

Fed up with the Black Pirates' activities, the government is no longer satisfied with just denouncing them as a terrorist group and asking for them to be turned in - they now deem anyone who joins their cause to be a co-conspirator. Simply put: If you're caught inducing emotions in anyone, you'll be executed on the spot. You won't even be taken to the Disposal Site.

We cut to a scene right in the center of the city square where Guardians pull up in their cars and approach the display erected there for one clear purpose. A rope is lowered and pulled, hands are dusted off and the Guardians take off again. Words are no longer needed. They leave behind, hanging below the display, the corpses of multiple captured and executed Sense Offenders. A warning to all who dare to resist: the next one could be you.

Unbeknownst to them, it has the opposite effect. Tears and sobs fill the air, cries of sadness and anger. The loss of innocent life reinforced what they already knew: it can't go on like this. Their deaths won't be in vain. The system can be changed.

The aftermath of the raid on Prestige Academy had spread by word of mouth, getting past all attempts at censorship, and showed them a path of resistance.

We now rejoin Ateez and Black Pirates right after the Prestige Academy raid where Seonghwa had left with the leader of Thunder.

The boy's brother, exhausted from crying, is sleeping in the corner while the remaining Ateez members are freaking out over Seonghwa's disappearance. Though luckily, he isn't gone for long and rolls up to the bunker shortly after.

Hongjoong immediately pounces on him and is like: "Tell me you didn't run off with that girl because she looked like the 'Be Free' girl like Yeosang suggested." And Seonghwa's like: "It's not like that."

He pulls out an unfamiliar map and explains it was provided by the girl as the leader of Thunder, the students' version of the Black Pirates, aka fellow revolutionists.

They'd put a tracker on the boy before he was captured and believe he's being taken to the Disposal Site which is the place the map is of.

Still doubtful, Hongjoong questions the girl's and Thunder's motives - why not join the Black Pirates? Why act behind their backs? - but Seonghwa reassures him: as the elite of the elite, Thunder has access to information that can lead them directly to Z.

We now get more background information about the Z-World and Strictland's main oppressor 'Z' in particular (which has me personally very excited because we're tying in some more old plot threads; side note: the Glossary has been updated accordingly):

He's the Z-World's leader of Sciensalvar. However, unlike in the A-World, where this organization was founded in 1999, is still rather small and lead by Henry Jo (see Fever Epilogue Diary Version), this Sciensalvar is a pseudo-religious scientific organization spearheaded by 'Z'. They're behind the creation of the AI simulation for the 'best solution', aka the answer to their question of "What do I need to do to gain absolute, unchallengeable power?" To which the self-learning AI answered: get rid of all human emotions. With this knowledge, they created a political party under the catchphrase: "The pursuit of a peaceful world without religious conflict and terror through emotional control." Said party grew in size until they were powerful enough to pass the 'Emotional Regulation Act' which lead to the solidification of the class system to the point where 'defective' people are now being 'disposed of'. However, as they have not yet achieved total control, Z and his political subordinates stay exclusively in Z's hideout near the city center where only the elites reside. They never leave the building, only the elitest of the elites ever get to enter and once they exit, they remain under strict surveillance by the Android Guardians to prevent the spread of insider knowledge. Android Guardians, who are collectively referred to as the Imperial Watch, are the only ones allowed to freely come and ago since they're not human and thus immune to being corrupted by emotions if captured and interrogated.

The Black Pirates have never been able to obtain the precise location of Z's hideout despite past efforts to catch a hold of suspects who they then coaxed into spilling by utilizing their breakers to surface long suppressed emotions.

Working with Thunder, despite the risk, thus now seems like their best shot at finally eliminating the hideout and securing a massive leap forward in the revolution.

We cut to Z's office where the Prestige Academy principal was just executed by the Head Guardian of the Imperial Watch.

A new order is given by Z: "Now that we've set the bait, the Black Pirates will go to the Disposal Site to save the child. Take care that no mistakes like this are repeated at the Disposal Site. Or you'll be the one replaced this time."

With a troop of 100 Android Guardians, the Head Guardian enters the Disposal Site alongside a slew of blue butterflies who spread out among the workers with red, marred skin from the furnaces.

The Head Guardian refers to them as the 'Red Humans' who are 'so hideous' they 'resemble goblins more than people'.

The troop marches after a butterfly fluttering down a hallway toward the cells where the to-be-disposed-of people are kept - humans who've been classified as physically disabled or harboring feelings.

They appear enchanted by the sight of the butterfly, unlike the Guardians who took no note of them, which leaves this singular one to continue onward past the cells toward a boiling furnace filled with the remains of the disposed. 'Red Humans' are stirring the remains in the incinerator as the butterfly rises up past the executioner platform.

Upon closer inspection, the butterfly can be identified as an animatronic containing a camera.

The next entry informs us that it's Yeosang who's in charge of the tiny delicate butterfly drone and here, to me, everything regarding these blue little critters finally falls into place (which is why Part 5 - Deja Vu and Part 15 - Answer have now been updated accordingly):

Back in Deja Vu, Yeosang took note of the blue butterflies fluttering around Strictland and how they're so common and, despite their beauty, get fully ignored by the unfeeling Android Guardians. As a result, he studies their appearance and anatomy, creates a 3D rendering (which we catch a glimpse of in Deja Vu and its appearance is similar to the one of the pirate ship hologram we got to see in Crazy Form, leading me to believe this is their usual modus operandi when they develop tech). By the time Answer rolls around, the 3D model has been turned into a fully functional animatronic with a built-in camera - a drone. This explains why the butterfly in Answer looks more artificial than the one in Deja Vu - it's not organic, it's a delicate little machine. A spy gadget.

Moving on to Ateez who are parked outside in their van: they're utilizing the beautiful little butterfly drone to compare the map to what they're seeing.

Deeming it all good enough, they strap in and Mingi crashes through the gates. They storm inside, trap the workers with their burnt skin in side-rooms and split into two groups - one in charge of freeing the imprisoned, the other in charge of warding off the guards.

The first group was left with the Cromer since they'd need to transport all the imprisoned to the Black Pirates' Bunker as fast as possible, which left the others at a significant disadvantage in their fight against the Guardians, even with the weapons provided by Left Eye.

They quickly get overpowered and Hongjoong is left on the ground with a gun pointed straight at his head. Jongho is left to call for back-up.

Back at the hideout, however, things are also going south - a fellow pirate bursts through the doors and informs them their location had been leaked to the Guardians. He barely gets to finish his warning before a beam saber cuts down his back and leaves him coughing up blood before he drops dead.

Wooyoung's thoughts are racing as he questions how their location could've possibly gotten out before Mingi looks to Seonghwa: "Please tell me you didn't share the location of the bunker with the Thunder girl".

Seonghwa, previously extremely sure of where the girl's loyalties lie, begins to doubt.

Meanwhile at the Disposal Site, a scream rings out - the Prestige Academy boy's.

The Guardian still aiming at Hongjoong's head offers an ultimatum: "Tell the members with the Cromer to come over here. I'll give you 10 minutes. Or this kid- well, you know what'll happen."

The timer is set. Hongjoong relays the information to the four members at the bunker.

Unable to leave the bunker fully unprotected however, the four try to fight off the Android Guardians before they depart, only to be struck down. Left on the ground. Spitting up blood. Seonghwa. Mingi. Wooyoung. San. Four down.

At the same time, at the Disposal Site, the remaining four are dragged along the ground to the execution area.

All eight of them think about how much happened to them since they entered the Z World - how much it felt like fate. They realized how powerful music and performance can be, how it can stir emotions in other people, how it's powerful enough to be used as a weapon against oppressive forces in this world. It allowed them to feel emotions they'd almost forgotten about and gave them a goal to achieve. They'd been happy here. And now they might die here.

But just then: a zap. And a Guardian hit the ground in the bunker.

People wearing "ridiculous masks" (according to Wooyoung) and armed with modified electro shockers flooded the bunker and began to take down the Guardians before helping the four Ateez members to their feet.

With their identity hidden behind their masks and voice modifiers, they promise to take everyone to safety and ask the four to come back once they're done at the Disposal Site. Their leader also hands a note to Seonghwa.

With no other option, the four take off with the Cromer's help, though the boy's brother manages to leap on them quickly enough to be taken along.

They make it just in time and use the Cromer to zip across the room, disposing of the Guardians' weapons by throwing them in the incinerator, but the one clutching the boy is quick to raise the kid by his throat and threaten to toss him feet-first in after them.

Momentarily defeated, Ateez get tied up with rope, but the boy's brother, who'd remained hidden nearby, manages to slide a jackknife he'd been keeping in his pocket to Yunho. One by one, the knife gets handed around as they free themselves.

Meanwhile, the boy begins to talk to the Guardian who'd dropped him back to the ground - it's revealed he'd been working alongside them all along to obtain the location of the Black Pirates' bunker.

When the boy had first found out about his older brother's break, he'd fled Prestige Academy and posted a message on Black Link (the system set up by Left Eye in Movement Diary Version: The Revolution which pings the Black Pirates when a citizen's chip fails so they can reach out and contact them) after failing to find the Black Pirates and their bunker.

With no one to help him, he hid out at the Disposal Site in hopes of finding a way to safe his brother once he was dragged there by the Android Guardians.

While still there, he received a message from his brother, asking him why he hadn't come home last night. Relieved, he returned home and discovered a message from the Black Pirates who disclosed a rough location of their bunker and offered to help him if he still needed it, though they'd have to clear him first over their security system.

However, after seeing the reality and experiencing the horrors of the Disposal Site, the boy chose to return to Prestige Academy instead and beg for mercy for both himself and his brother.

The Guardians agreed but requested the exact location of the Black Pirates' bunker in return.

Upon hearing this, Ateez felt betrayed which the boy's brother openly voices. He tells his brother that, after experiencing emotions, he can't go back and pushes him to leave the wrong side and rejoin them while there's still time to make things right.

Yeosang manages to trip one of the Guardians with his newly freed legs which gives the boy a chance to take his brother's offered hand, but just before they can make contact, the Head Guardian grabs the brother by the collar and throws him off the execution platform down to the incinerator.

The members threw off their ropes and pushed the Head Guardian into the incinerator while the boy jumps after his brother and Mingi activates the Cromer.

Mingi catches the gaze of the boy's brother as his legs slip into the incinerator. His eyes close. Mingi grabs the boy's arm before he could share the same fate. The boy screams.

Newly traumatized, Mingi drops the boy in a safe place and rejoins his members who're actively fighting the Guardians and makes quick work of them by tossing them in the furnace one by one.

The boy breaks down in tears.

Only the Head Guardian was left. But unlike all the others, he was suddenly tackled from the back by the boy who was rushing at full speed and dragging them both toward the incinerator.

Hongjoong's hand shot forward, grabbing the boy's arm who mouthed "I'm sorry" right before the Head Guardian's weight dragged them over the edge and out of Hongjoong's hold.

Hongjoong had no choice but to sit by as they disappeared into the incinerator below.

The distant sound of an explosion. "I know how you feel but... We need to get out of here first. The bomb's about to go off," Seonghwa reminds Hongjoong.

San takes them away with the Cromer right before the blue butterflies spread throughout the building flash red and explode, collapsing the Disposal Site.

While all this was going down, the masked people who'd helped at the Bunker were revealed to be Thunder and the note handed to Seonghwa was revealed to be a map.

By the time the Disposal Site went down, Thunder managed to pack all the prisoners into a big bus and take them past all the security barricades into the city center thanks to their high ranking elite status.

Thunder's main base has a garden. It consists of trees and flowers bearing the names of the two brothers and all the fallen Black Pirate members lost in the battle.

Dressed in black, Ateez, the Black Pirates, and the Thunder members bow to the dead as fireflies circle over their heads. "I will not let your sacrifices be in vain. I promise." Yeosang's words echo everyone's thoughts.

The fireflies ascend above them as if they were carrying their wishes to the stars. They watch them rise for a long time.

The village is located in a forest away from all government surveillance. A small haven. Thunder's leader is showing Seonghwa around as she tells him her story:

She met the Grimes siblings in this place and when she heard them sing, she realized that something valuable had been taken from humanity. Taken by Z. Reminder: the Grimes siblings are the ones who first helped Ateez when they landed in the Z-World (see: Fever Part 2 Diary Entries). At that time, she was already recognized for her talents at Prestige Academy and put in the position of Thunder's leader. As a skilled actress, she managed to continue on undetected, even while she silently planned find a way to rise high enough to meet Z - an opportunity very few ever got. By using her status at the Academy, she managed to prevent students from getting taken to the Disposal Site: spewing empty threats instead of reporting them as 'defective'. Her time there also allowed her to carefully approach others who had awoken thanks to the Grimes siblings. Together, they held a funeral for them after their souls were taken (see: Fever Epilogue Diary Entries). They heard stories of the Black Pirates and Ateez but, as a smaller group, needed to be more careful and couldn't reach out to them.

Her story gives Seonghwa hope that there are more groups out there fighting for their cause.

When he voices the thought, the girl feels the same hope for the future.

After the raid at Prestige Academy, the school is shut down and repurposed while students are transferred to other schools in the area based on their performance.

Thanks to a heart rate controlling device provided by Left Eye, the girl passes the emotional detection checks and manages to excel in her studies and is deemed the superior candidate among all students - she earns the position of Z's protocol manager. A position which will take her to Z's hideout.

They take her to the city center and into the underground parking lot by the central bank's building. From there, she's guided through corridors until they reach Z's office.

Inside, he's already waiting for her and immediately addresses how closely she'd been paying attention to her surroundings the entire way there - from the car ride all the way up to now. As if she were curious. "Curiosity is also an emotion. Curiosity is dangerous, you know."

Ever the perfect student and actress, she replies with "What is 'Curiosity'?" and offers her chip to be checked - a chip that has been modified by her to switch on and off on her comment to avoid detection at school.

She passes the final test and is hired on the spot.

[devotioncrater]

ed/stede + edizzy + edward's bipolar

oh man the first three episodes of season 2 are. wow. okay. much to unpack. more fuel for my Edward Has Bipolar Theory.

DISCLAIMER: i am not a clinician, nor do i hold any degree in the psychology field. this meta is purely drawn from my own experience with diagnosed bipolar i, alongside what i've learnt in years of therapy as well as reading bipolar books/articles and peer-reviewed research papers. above all, this meta is for fun; please do not use this as a self-diagnostic.

this meta is broken up into sections:

the intro section

the bipolar section

the codependency section

the season 2 speculation section

The Intro Section

right away, the admittance of edward hating himself & feeling unloveable recontextualizes everything. his dynamic with stede & the crew, his dynamic with his own crew, his dynamic with izzy.

because like. hi hello?? when izzy says "you know me better than anyone else, and i daresay the same is true for me to you" it's just. a nail in the coffin. one of many nails. here's why.

it took an insane amount of vulnerability for edward to open himself up to stede in season 1. it took a lot out of him to even accept stede's love, and then believe it to be real. he believed that just for one moment in his scarred life, he was someone worth loving, baggage and all. as he himself was. for who he was. stede saw him and loved him and accepted him. if edward had been there to hear when lucius said to stede that the time edward spent with stede was the best it'll ever be for him, edward probably would've agreed.

which is. oh man. it would be a bit of a thin ice situation, wouldn't it? that's fucking bleak.

before we get into that, we need to dissect the dysfunction in the edizzy dynamic. i mean it's all tragic, all toxicated, especially with the downward spiral edward's on. so why examine it? what is there to examine?

the downward spiral began in season 1, became abated by stede & the crew, only to jumpstart at the end thanks in part to izzy. so we need to examine why, because edizzy's dysfunction plays a role in all of this mess.

it's undeniable izzy triggered edward, yes, but look a little further. edward's irritability, his emptiness, his substance abuse, the sudden shift in gears between his erratic moods. the crew walk on eggshells around him, because his behavior in season 2 so far is reckless, dangerous, and suicidal. there's pressurized speech patterns and racing thoughts present and they intermingle alongside low-energetic periods when he isolates. above all, he feels hopeless. overwhelmed by a sea of loneliness. fang starts the season off being unable to recognize him.

on the flipside, in season 1, he's on the tail-end of a low when we meet him. listless, bored, passively suicidal before he swings the other way. with stede & the crew he's up in the clouds. he's affable, he's happy, he's social. there's hope for change. he tries new things, laughs, even falls in love. he imagines a life for himself outside of piracy. there's impulsive actions such as the act of grace and impulsive thoughts like sailing to china. even when stede leaves him, edward grieves at a healthy-looking level. in episode 5, when edward's mood first shifts, fang doesn't recognize him in the elevated state.

the point is, edward feels things in the extreme. he lacks emotional regulation. "uncharacteristic" high highs and low lows.

how he reacted to izzy's trigger — "this is blackbeard" — is disproportionate until you piece together two puzzle pieces:

edward likely has bipolar + his core beliefs (self-loathing/feeling unloveable) throw oxygen into the flame of his relationships.

The Bipolar Section

to get on the same page here, let me provide a few Basic Oversimplified Definitions (here is a pdf of the DSM-5 for a scientific understanding, scroll to page 168. please do not use this PDF or meta as a self-diagnostic. contact a clinician/psychiatrist if you have questions or feel you need an evaluation):

bipolar disorder: a chronic, lifelong mood disorder characterized by manic highs and depressive lows. fluctuations in moods are extreme and, depending on subtype, can inhibit functionality. it can be managed today with medication and psychotherapy.

manic episode: lasting one week or more, this is the high highs. the mood is elevated or irritable. if severe, it can include psychosis/psychotic features such as hallucinations, paranoia, and/or delusions. mania belongs to subtype Bipolar I.

hypomanic episode: lasting at minimum four days straight, this is a lesser high than manic. it does not include psychosis/psychotic features, nor does it inhibit functionality. hypomania belongs to subtypes Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

depressive episode: lasting two weeks or more, this is the low lows. anhedonia and major depression are hallmarks of a depressive episode. depression belongs to all three subtypes of bipolar (the third subtype being cyclothymia).

mixed episode: best of both worlds. a person experiencing one may possess high levels of energy — such as pressurized speech — while simultaneously feeling overwhelmingly low and suicidal. a mood may flip from elated to hopeless on a dime.

euthymia: a mood state that is stable, without (hypo)mania or depression. it is a neutral baseline which occurs between episodes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: bipolar disorder is more complex than "just a mood swing". mood swings are situational, while bipolar presents even without situational factors. think about how, in season 2, edward has got his hair in a messy updo, cleans his cabin, swears off drinking & drugs, and is smiling. he explains to frenchie that he's decided to change after a rough night. then it cuts to a flashback of him the night before lying on the floor bawling his eyes out. the scene is played for laughs, however that is a textbook bipolar mood fluctuation. you go to bed hopeless and you wake up on top of the world, or vice versa. edward's situation hadn't changed in the hours between him crying and his conversation with frenchie.

(it can be argued that he thought izzy had died, but i don't think he believed frenchie had truly finished the job. why else had he grilled frenchie? he was sweating frenchie out, testing frenchie's loyalty. "you don't think i know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" edward knew izzy was alive the entire time).

like with almost every disorder, bipolar disorder presents itself differently in different people. in my experience, when i am in either a depressive or manic episode, two different outlooks may occur:

it becomes hard to remember what life was like on the other emotional end. (i.e. when manic, i tend to downplay my prior depressive episode).

i become hyperaware of the other emotional end, so i try to either get it to happen or prevent it from happening. (i.e. not wanting to become depressed, so i'll do XYZ).

i mention these outlooks because they're common. when you're in it, you're in it; when you're out, you're out. the first outlook is something edward's actions point to him experiencing, too, as evidenced in season 2 with his extreme suicidal behavior. he's in it in it.

the ups and downs in bipolar are difficult for the person struggling with the disorder. often, it feels uncontrollable. the symptoms — especially the ones which risk becoming severe like hopelessness or distractibility — are a challenge to cope with. during the high highs, your brain feels like it's frying. during the low lows, your brain feels like dense fog. therefore it's common for people to turn to substances to help alleviate what they're experiencing, and/or they partake on an impulsive whim. drastic life changes also may occur in an attempt to "fix" or "control" the disorder. severe episodes, when left untreated, may ruin or end people's lives. people with bipolar disorder are 15x more likely to commit suicide than the general population.

people who do not have bipolar themselves yet are close to someone with bipolar may also experience related difficulty. it may feel overwhelming to witness episodes occur with little to no understanding or tools on how to help. it may also feel stressful to try and gauge what state the other person is in. "walking on eggshells" is a common descriptor for the experience when the bipolar is unmanaged. that does not mean the person with bipolar disorder is automatically bad/abusive/harmful, it just means the disorder is a disorder. it interferes with daily functioning, causes distress, and impacts interpersonal relationships.

at the end of season 1, izzy hit edward where it hurts (edward's self-loathing, intertwined with the role of blackbeard) while edward was in what i believe to be a euthymic state (calm). now with their recontextualized relationship, we also see the underlying message of: "i serve blackbeard, he is my captain." -> "edward isn't good enough for my love".

izzy loves edward, but he's made it clear in season 1 it was for edward's blackbeard persona. or was it? you see, i don't believe that claim to be entirely true anymore, not after the first three episodes of season 2.

i believe a more accurate reading would be that in season 1, izzy was concerned, jealous, and vindictive. all in that order. the above underlying message weaponizes edward's separation of Edward and Blackbeard against edward. more on this later.

in season 2, izzy is just plain concerned ("we're worried for you"). he tries a different approach at managing edward's unstable mood. he goes for a softer attempt ("i have...love for you") because maybe, maybe it could work. it worked with stede. when it backfires, he ditches it and goes right back to bluntness ("the atmosphere's fucked!"). he also refuses to kill edward despite everything edward's put him through.

both seasons' motives were not for blackbeard, but for edward.

when we meet them in season 1, their relationship is dysfunctional at best. their baseline dynamic before stede is best depicted during episode 4.

in the model ship scene, edward's excited about stede's stuff, restlessly moving, unable to focus, appearing happy even though he's a hair-trigger away from irritability. he purposefully avoids or dismisses izzy's concerns about dying. he feels bored and trapped ("is this all there is?"), then feels frustration over feeling trapped, citing that he's blackbeard and blackbeard shouldn't feel trapped.

later in the episode, izzy frustratingly points out that edward's moods are "increasingly erratic" and something that izzy himself has had to manage. izzy also states that he's followed edward's every whim for years, and smoothed over their crew for him. edward, again dismissive, says "sounds stressful, izzy". izzy says it is but he felt honored to do it all for blackbeard, who is the greatest sailor he's ever known. this ties into their codependency, which i'll go over later on.

at this point in time, "edward" and "blackbeard" are synonymous, the names are just different titles reserved for different settings. edward himself doesn't see a distinction until stede — a person he respects — consistently treats him like Edward and not like Blackbeard. edward's identity to Blackbeard separates because he opens himself up to the possibility that Edward is someone worth knowing. Blackbeard, once a healthy coping mechanism created to survive in the pirating world, had soured somewhere along the way into an unhealthy coping mechanism. it became more of a cage than a home.

but to izzy, "blackbeard" is a good thing to be because it's an accomplishment of edward's. they built their whole careers and lives around it. when izzy says he's honored to sail with blackbeard, the greatest sailor out there, he says it to try and bring edward back to himself. it's his botched attempt at grounding/helping edward. if edward can be reminded of how great he is, reinforced by his accomplishments under the name blackbeard, maybe he'll snap out of his funk. if edward values izzy, loves izzy how izzy thinks edward does, he'd see the weight behind the compliment. izzy doesn't sail for just anybody.

it's botched entirely because any time edward tries to voice how "blackbeard" really makes him feel, izzy dismisses/minimizes/mocks it. he isn't supportive to edward because he feels threatened in two parts: that edward finds stede fascinating, and that edward is making a drastic life change for both of them based on yet another mood whim.

to izzy, edward becoming Edward and ditching Blackbeard would mean izzy's lost control of the situation, which means izzy's lost control of edward, which means no one will have control of edward. not even edward himself. this is yet another facet of izzy's codependency.

side note: speaking of names, in the calico jack episode, we know "ed" is a nickname edward doesn't allow people to call him. the only two people who call him "ed" are stede and izzy.

so that begs the question: why did izzy call edward "eddy" in season 2? where the hell does that nickname come from? why does edward use it on himself when he was struggling in purgatory?

based on these two conversations in episode 4, we can glean both sides of the situation. on one side is edward, who is struggling mentally and whose work is deteriorating because of it. on the other side is izzy, who is equal parts concerned about edward and frustrated at him because he isn't functioning as well as he used to, leaving izzy to clean up his messes. since this has been a years-long tension point, they are both at the end of their ropes. about to snap.

that is how we meet them.

from then on, edward begins falling for stede, and his mood shifts. he begins functioning better. stede is genuinely good for him. stede, with his different view on life, provides emotional balance and radical acceptance and a general softness that edward's been missing. he is supportive, he is kind, and he treats edward like edward isn't broken.

but stede is not accustomed to pirate life or its reality. he's naive to the point of foolish. foolish to the point of fatality. and izzy sees those flaw points right away. it's a red flag to him because how can edward — passively suicidal edward — be trusted to not take advantage of stede's naivety and steer them all into a doomed situation?

edward's relationship with stede is also where izzy's jealousy kicks into gear, clouds his judgement.

i mean, shit, wouldn't anyone feel slighted? if you devote your life to a man, stick with him through thick & thin, feel responsible for both of your lives, go above and beyond, worry over his wellbeing, put him before yourself....just for him to run off with a wannabe pirate.

a wannabe pirate who has only known your man for a fraction of the time you and your man have been together. his weeks compared to your years. yet somehow he gets your man's good side, gets the love you desperately want.

of course izzy's seething. wouldn't anyone?

it makes sense for izzy to sell edward and stede out to the british navy. he's spiteful, vindictive. bet there's a bit of hurt pride to it, too. it's fucked! it's a terrible thing to do!

his motive here boils down to, once again, keeping edward alive. cleaning up what he perceives to be another mess. sell stede out, keep edward where he can see him. izzy hates spanish jackie's, he hates the navy, he doesn't enjoy any of it. this is his hail mary, his last ditch effort.

of course it backfires. royally. no one expected edward to call for an act of grace. to sign away his life. izzy tries to stop him, but edward goes where stede goes. and soon after that, edward returns without stede.

and soon after that, the situation deteriorates. edward's launched into a severe mixed episode, triggered by the compounded stress of stede leaving and izzy's rejection of Edward. pressurized speech, emptiness, irritability, suicidal behavior, increased goal-directed activity...he ping-pongs between mania and severe depression. this is more than a break-up.

edward struggles with emotional impermanence. when stede's right in front of him, kissing him, edward feels secure that stede loves him. but when stede doesn't meet him at the dock? Stede Never Loved Me.

another example: izzy. when izzy obeys edward's orders, edward feels secure that izzy loves him. but when izzy speaks up or disagrees? Izzy Never Loved Me.

"he was your friend," jim tells edward, in reference to edward's awful treatment of izzy. but edward, at this intersection of a severe mixed episode + emotional impermanence, can't see that.

he burns his bridges left and right. destroys everything because he's lashing out in pain and he doesn't think he deserves anything good. Blackbeard? sure, he'll be Blackbeard. Blackbeard is all he'll ever be anyways. a killer, a pirate, a crazy captain who does too much rhino horn.

edward hates himself so fiercely that he only finds relief during the storm, right before he believes he's going to die. "finally."

The Codependency Section

edward's relationship with izzy was always going to end in destruction.

they both love each other, we have canon confirmation of this. "i have...love for you" and "i loved you best i could".

edward's confession is critical here, because he did love izzy as best as he could. there exist moments between them that shine light into possible happier times. the way edward talks to izzy to placate him in season 1 when izzy packs a dinghy, even if manipulative at the time, requires intimate knowledge on what izzy would be receptive to. david jenkins mentioned that it was izzy who helped doll edward up for the season 1 ball, an offscreen act of intimacy. edward tries unsuccessfully to connect with izzy over stede's model ship and the clouds. the casual way edward says "i had a dream about you last night."

"best i could." if edward hated himself less, he could have loved izzy more. if he believed he was deserving of love, he could have accepted the fact izzy loves him.

so they both love each other, but love is not enough to combat self-hate. it just isn't. the only opponent to self-hate is self-compassion.

self-compassion is a process you have to choose for yourself. you must work on it yourself, hopefully with the aid of an external support system. self-compassion is separate from self-love and other forms of love because, oftentimes, people who operate under the core belief of Being Unloveable also operate under an assumption that love is conditional. "i'm not enough" / "i'll never be enough" / "i don't deserve love" / "i'm too much". it's unrealistic for someone to jump headfirst into healing when that healing is programmed with restrictions. we are our own worst critic. so to practice self-compassion is to soothe that inner, hater critic until we heal ourselves enough to get to a place where we can practice unconditional love on the neglected self.

the conditional love aspect is one that is modeled. edward grew up in an abusive household. abusers hold their victims out on a string of conditions. furthermore, his mother rejected his interest in fine things by saying that it's not "for people like us". it makes sense for edward to internalize an "i'm not [rich/nice/good/etc] enough" message, thereby shutting himself out.

he continues to shut himself out in the aftermath of killing his alcoholic father. he doesn't tell anyone about the traumatic event — an oscillation into "i'm too much" — until he opens up to stede.

so here you have an unloveable boy, the victim of domestic violence and the killer of his own father, going into the chaotic world of pirating. a world — put so eloquently by calico jack in season 1 — where everyone fucks each other over. where trust is a prized, rare currency.

and somewhere along the way, he and izzy find each other. and they stick together for years.

both edward and izzy bottle their emotions up and then blow up on each other. it's so completely different to how stede & the revenge crew operate. it's years of miscommunication and mutual resentment between them, caused in part due to their pirate enviornment. their pattern is hot and cold. reactive.

izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and resigns -> edward convinces izzy to stay -> edward begins falling for stede -> izzy and stede fight over edward's heart -> izzy gets exiled for losing, edward says nothing -> izzy goes vindictive mode and sells edward/stede out to the navy -> edward hates izzy's guts -> edward comes back without stede, depressed -> izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and triggers him -> edward convinces izzy to stay through violence

it's that one friend who keeps returning to their shitty partner — on again/off again —, only here they both are the shitty partner.

the thing about unhealthy relationships is that they provide a layer of comfort. it's known territory. which is why, when an unhealthy relationship morphs into a codependent one, it is incredibly difficult to break out of them.

codependency definition: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

like conditional love, codependency is learned/modeled inside of a dysfunctional family setting.

it works a bit like an ouroboros in that it's an infinite loop. the codependent partner compulsively takes care of their struggling partner in the hopes they get better. this role of "caretaker" makes them feel needed/wanted, ergo filling their own low self-esteem void. however, all the rescuing does is enable the struggling partner further into self-destruction.

sound familiar?

izzy is edward's caretaker. izzy is codependent.

important note: no one feels good inside of a codependent relationship. there may be positive periods, yes, but codependency is primarily stressful for both parties involved.

in order to blossom, codependency relies on low self-esteem.

we know edward oscillates with his self-esteem, but we don't talk about how low izzy's self-esteem is.

izzy doesn't have an identity outside of edward, with the exception of being one of the best swordsmen in the pirating world. of course, this exception is taken from him when edward cuts his toes off.

izzy is high-strung with a compulsive need for control. things must be done when he orders them to, to the high standards he creates. do not question his authority. this compulsion is exasperated by edward's uncontrollable mood shifts.

izzy rolls with the punches, metaphorically and literally. he shuts down attempts at comfort, evidenced by his knee jerk reaction when fang hugs him in season 2. "i'm fine. unhand me. unhand me!" he doesn't allow himself to fully break down and cry. the tears only appear in this scene, and when edward attempts to get izzy to kill him.

loyal to a fault, izzy threatens to leave, goes to leave, but never leaves. he gets casted out, so he devises a plan to return instead of, i don't know, creating a new life for himself. even when edward maims him, he stays.

so is this loyalty? or is this a belief that this is what he deserves? or maybe it's loyalty born from the belief that this is all he's deserving of.

a hit dog will holler, and boy does izzy holler when questioned. about his role, about himself, about who he is to edward.

so who is izzy without edward?

"you know me better than anyone else and i daresay the same applies with me to you." is an insane thing to say because izzy does know edward, but only the version of edward he stitched his skin to. the unstable, erratic version that needs help, and who he subconsciously sabotages with enablement.

and edward does know izzy better than anyone else because izzy's consumed by him.

if edward could not accept izzy's love in a direct form, then the roles izzy inhabits are his only outlet. Caretaker, Punching Bag, First Mate. 50 ways to say I Love You and none of them are healthy.

they both are violent with each other, drag each other down, but can't quit even when they know that they function better separated. codependency is an addiction, and like an addiction, the only way for this to end was in rockbottom or death.

The S2 Speculation Section

going back to the very top, here's why i say this thing with ed/stede is on thin ice right now: without edward working on his self-compassion, their relationship runs the risk of devolving into yet another unhealthy dynamic.

stede has decent self-esteem, an identity outside of edward, so i don't think they'll ever become codependent. stede also doesn't try to fix or enable edward. again, stede is genuinely good for edward.

i think the Mer!Stede scene was amazing, vital in balancing the heavy topic of suicide/death with the overarching comedy genre of the show. love saves lives, without love the world is bleak. who are we as humans without connection?

that being said, i personally want to see edward heal before jumping into a full-blown romantic/sexual relationship with stede. he deserves to choose himself, nurture Edward, and figure out how to manage his moods. especially since his last relationship with izzy was so tumultuous.

speaking of izzy, i also want to see izzy find himself and heal, too. he needs to learn how to let go. i'm hoping he'll build up his self-esteem in his own way, doing something he's good at (maybe as a sword-fighting instructor?).

either way, i trust the direction this show will go in. they've done well so far in their depictions of mental health and the impact of mental health. it'll be interesting to see the rest unfold.