A Persuasive Argument - dpxdc
"Great!" Danny says, clapping his hands together to get everyone's attention. The dinner table falls silent as everyone looks towards him. It's a full house today and, honestly, Danny's a little nervous. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."
"It's dinnertime. In our house." Duke mutters, while doing a very bad job of concealing his yawn. He holds his fork poised over the braised beef, but, just like everyone else, still looks towards Danny before tucking in. It's intriguing enough to wait.
"Yeah, no one misses Alfie's dinner." Dick says, with a brilliant smile that Danny can't help but return.
"Precisely! What better time to talk to you all than when you're all actually here!"
"Wait, I thought you came round to work on our English essays?" Tim asks, blinking owlishly.
"I'm afraid I've lured you here under false pretences, Tim."
"This is where I live."
"I would still really appreciate help on that essay though, I mean, what the hell is Hamlet even about? I just don't get that old time-y language, like 'Hark! A ghost hath killed me!' - absolute rubbish, what does that even mean?"
"The ghost never kills anyone in Hamlet, he's there to tell Hamlet that he was murdered. Have you actually read it?"
"No, but it sounds like you have. Tim, I want this guy to help me with my essay instead. I know for a fact that you haven't read Hamlet, either."
"So? We don't need Jason, I've read the Sparknotes."
"Hi Jason, I'm Danny, pleasure to meet you, summarise Hamlet in three sentences or less."
"Am I auditioning to help you write your essays? I can't believe you’ve gone through your whole school life without reading it, it’s good!"
"Hamlet, along with a number of other classics, was banned in our house because it portrayed ghosts as intelligent and sympathetic beings rather than evil, animalistic beasts. I didn’t even get to see The Muppet's Christmas Carol until last year with Tim! It was surprisingly good, and I hate Christmas because everyone always argued and it sucked. But we're getting off topic. I—"
"No, no, please go back to that, because what the fu—"
"Boys, please." Bruce interrupts, looking to the world as if he wants to hang his head in his hands. "Danny, you were about to say something?"
"Oh, yeah, Mr. Wayne! Thanks!"
"Please, call me Bruce."
"Well, that very succinctly brings me to my point, because I'd actually really like to call you dad."
Nobody says a word. Nobody even blinks, all as shocked as the other, watching open-mouthed as Danny pulls his laptop out from beside his chair. Bruce can definitely feel a headache coming on.
"Before you say anything, I've prepared a 69 slide PowerPoint presentation on why you, Bruce Wayne, should adopt me, Danny Last-Name-Pending. Please save your questions, comments, and verdict until the end, thank you."
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Batfamily Powerpoint Night! (Part 10: Alfred)
<<Part 9: Barbara
[Masterlist]
Alfred: Actually, I have prepared something I would like you all to see.
Bruce: Oh lord...
[collective sigh]
Alfred: I have noticed that many of you are electing not to return used dishes to their proper location to be washed.
Barbara: Oooh... that one’s on me, sorry Alfred.
Alfred: Miss Gordon, I trust you not to spill anything on the computer console, but I still think it best not to have open beverages in the presence of... other company.
Dick: Is he talking about-
Tim: Yeah he’s talking about us.
Bruce: Hn.
Steph: Only Bruce does this, Alfred, I promise.
Alfred: I am well aware, Miss Brown.
Bruce: ...sorry.
Duke: How do you not spill anything using mugs in the Batmobile?
Cass: (signing) Impressive.
Jason: Okay, this one has to be Dick.
Dick: ...That’s probably me.
Tim: A teacup? A teacup and its saucer??
Dick: I was already drinking it at the time-
Alfred: Just bring it back next time.
Steph: HA
Damian: ...They like the-
Alfred: I highly doubt the dogs have a preference of plates.
Damian: ...understood.
Jason: WHICH ONE OF YOU-
Tim: STEPH. STEPH THAT IS YOUR BELT.
Steph: I CAN EXPLAIN
Barbara: Steph why is a mug in your-
Steph: I BRING THE MUGS HOME AND I PUT THEM IN MY BELT TO REMEMBER TO BRING THEM BACK TO ALFRED BUT THEN I FORGET
Duke: How many mugs are in your belt right now?
Steph: ...
Dick: Steph.
Steph: A couple...
Alfred: Three. I checked twenty minutes ago.
Steph: ...Sorry Alfred.
Tim: ...Okay-
Dick: Tim. How on Earth-
Steph: HOW IS THIS ANY WORSE THAN ME KEEPING MUGS IN MY BELT
Tim: Sometimes I save time by eating in the shower!
Jason: That is like... a family sized tupperware container.
Damian: Drake, this is no longer efficiency, it is insanity.
Tim: ...Sorry Alfred.
Bruce: ...how-
Barbara: Cass... Cass this has to be you.
Cass: (signing) ...Sorry.
Steph: Honestly I’m not surprised by this.
Duke: Are we not concerned that Alfred’s been repeatedly climbing into the rafters to collect these dishes?
Alfred: Oh it’s not the furthest length I’ve gone for you all...
Bruce: I may have left a serving dish at the Kents’ apartment in Metropolis, I apologize.
Tim: I don’t think I left anything in San Francisco... or Nanda Parbat.
Dick: TAMARAN?! I’m probably responsible for New York and Bludhaven, but that one was NOT me.
Jason: Ooooh, yeah... uh... that was probably me...
Steph: You left a tupperware container on Tamaran?!
Jason: And maybe... other places... I keep forgetting to bring them home.
Damian: How many of these locations are you responsible for, Todd?
Jason: Uh... definitely Star City and Tamaran... and Miami... Paris... and Washington, Hong Kong... maybe also Nanda Parbat. Oh, and I definitely left a cup in San Francisco...
Barbara: Oh my god.
Jason: ...Sorry Alf. Won’t happen again.
Alfred: I’m glad you appreciate the leftovers, Master Jason, but yes, please return the dishware.
Duke: Oh that’s definitely my bad... Sorry Alfred.
Alfred: It’s alright, my dear boy, you didn’t know.
Bruce: ...how long has that been the system?
Dick: Probably not long... I definitely didn’t do that as a kid...
Jason: Definitely changed while I was dead...
Alfred: That has been the system for 42 years, I would appreciate if all of you started adhering to it.
[a chorus of “Sorry, Alfred” as they retrieve their dishes, thus ending Powerpoint Night. The end.]
<<Part 9: Barbara
[Masterlist]
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Batfamily Powerpoint Night! (Part 9: Barbara)
<<Part 8: Duke | Part 10: Alfred >>
[Masterlist]
Barbara: Alright, my turn!
Tim: Frankly I’m terrified for what’s about to happen
Dick: Oh Babs will be nice, don’t worry :)
Dick: I stand corrected
Steph: Oh god
Bruce: [sighs and puts his head in his hands]
Barbara: I organized it roughly from newest vigilantes to oldest, since more patrolling means more room for spectacular failures
Duke: It was a bad day for me
Jason: HA
Steph: Been there, done that. Not on TV though that really sucks man.
Steph: NOOOOOO
Tim: ONE SQUARED?
Steph: I GOT CONFUSED
Jason: [Hysterical laughter]
Damian: One multiplied by one?!
Steph: I THOUGHT IT MADE TWO I UNDERSTAND MY MISTAKE
Duke: From this mask view footage Batman is just watching this go down
Bruce: He said he didn’t want help. Felt like a teaching moment.
Damian: (muttering) I was fine.
Dick: Damian we were not going to drive you to 5th grade with a knife in your liver.
Steph: You’ve had this footage for four years?!
Barbara: I keep a file for blackmail. Cass doesn’t really have much, though.
Cass: (signing) I did learn the dance. Eventually.
Tim: WILL THIS TORMENT EVER END
Jason: YOU CRASHED THE BATMOBILE INTO A WALMART, TIMMY.
Steph: You deserve every joke we make about this
Damian: Your idiocy must be remembered
Dick: Yeah Tim this is pretty bad
Jason: Can I have that mask view footage
Barbara: I got ya
Tim: I hate it here
Jason: I really can’t defend this one
Dick: Why...? Did you shoot the trashcan?
Jason: I thought it was looking at me funny
Damian: The trashcan?
Jason: I was up for 52 hours give me a break.
Barbara: Do you want to tell them why you pulled two all-nighters in a row? Or should I?
Jason: You are an evil, evil woman. How do you even- nevermind. Of course you know everything, why do I even wonder. And for the record, the first night I stayed up for a case.
Barbara: And the second night was for Animal Crossing.
Jason: ...perhaps.
Duke: Oh my god.
Steph: And you laughed at me?
Bruce: (sighs)
Steph: Stop you were adorable in high school
Barbara: Thank you, but the braces? The acne? The bangs? 15 year old Barbara had no idea what she was doing.
Dick: I for one thought you were very cute in high school.
Jason: Stop flirting or I will leave
Bruce: Why were you both on a roof at night in your school uniforms?
Dick: I think let’s move on
Dick: Nevermind nevermind go back
Tim: Oh my god, Dick.
Duke: ”Purposely” ?!
Dick: I was nine
Damian: I knew better by age 9.
Bruce: Lessons were learned. I hope.
Jason: I’m starting to think I was one of the better Robins
Dick: I felt like I see sounds for three days...
Bruce: All traces of this were wiped from the internet.
Barbara: Oh Bruce, you know I’m better than that.
Dick: Hold on, hold on, we need an explanation.
Alfred: (as he walks by) A little too much to drink goes a long way...
Tim: YOU WERE DRUNK? ON PATROL?
Jason: No way. Even I haven’t been that stupid.
Duke: What did you buy at CVS
Bruce: ...apparently... I bought lollipops.
Steph: “Apparently” as in the next morning you didn’t remember putting on the Batsuit, going to CVS, buying lollipops, and talking to a guy with an audio recording device?
Bruce: ...yes.
Cass: (signing) Very bad. Very funny, but very bad.
Damian: Also an ineffective use of a smoke bomb if this civilian saw you walk away...
Bruce: Barbara, you have made your point.
<<Part 8: Duke | Part 10: Alfred >>
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