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northwest-cryptid · 1 year

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Okay can I just for a moment here please tell you about the most gender fucking game I've ever played and I've been playing since like middle school? Yes it's an MMO, but just... hang in there for a second because I firmly believe this is like, the Anti-MMORPG, the MMORPG for people who DO NOT enjoy MMORPGs, and you might like what you see. I'm very autistic about this thing in particular for reasons that will become apparent VERY quickly.

Like please, this game doesn't assign the player character a canon gender and ALSO has a Deity who is CANONICALLY genderfluid and uses "We" and "Deity" in the place of the word "god" or "goddess" or other pronouns; being referred to by others as both "he" and "she" respectively.

QUICK EDIT: I GOT SUPER AUTISTIC (positive) ABOUT THIS UNDER THE CUT SO IF YOU CLICK THAT READ MORE JUST KNOW YOU'RE IN FOR A RIDE

Oh shit you actually clicked the read more? You want to hear about this? Oh man oh shit okay here we fucking go then!

I'm gonna get into some of the mechanics and more specifics of the game here for a bit to explain why I think it's so absolutely fucking good for people who DON'T like MMOS real quick, but if you're just here because you saw me say this game is gender, skip down to where I start dropping pictures and you'll get what you came here for.

Okay so my silly autistic brain has trouble even knowing where to start with this game. So I'll start at well the start; so in most MMORPGs one of the first things you do is pick a class right?

Classes are a standard thing, everyone knows what they are; typically they are the overarching label for what you can and cannot do. If you're a paladin you're probably tanky and have a sword and shield with limited magic and all that. If you're a mage you probably use a staff and are a lot squishier right?

Okay so SOME MMOs might even let you multi-class like "oh you're a mage and a paladin so you can be a spellsword" right?

But what if there was a GOOD classless system. Not just a system without limitations but a system that actually let you form your own playstyle around what you enjoy; and what if it WASN'T LIMITED TO COMBAT SHIT.

You heard me, what if gathering/production was actually GOOD and wasn't limited to it's own class.

Well in Mabinogi (yes this is about Mabinogi shush I love this stupid game and I'm forever annoyed with how it's represented in NA but we'll get to that later) you don't have a class, you have a TALENT.

"Isn't that the same thing just called something different?" No, actually not at all and let me explain why.

A class typically limits what you can do right? Well talents are exclusively a boost to a specific set of skills.

If you're currently (again we'll get to why I say currently, bare with me here) a Mage Talent, then all your mage skills will rank up at 2x the speed they normally would, but the game absolutely will not restrict you or punish your ability to wreck shop with a giant fuck all axe or even a bow for that matter... or a shuriken, or guns, or fists, or- you know what I'm getting ahead of myself let's bring it back a second.

So Talents are exclusively BOOSTS, meaning they only serve to reinforce the way you want to play the game; but you still have to pick one and decisions are hard because you may not know what you want to do right off the bat; especially with so many different sets of skills (I mean for crying out loud you can fight using puppets in this game) well you're in luck because every day (under level 1,000 I believe? May have been raised to 10,000) you can use a function called "Rebirthing" where you reset to level 1 and can pick a new talent; and the best part is after level 1,000/10,000 you can still do this for free, just every real life week as opposed to every day.

"Hey Cryptid, why the HELL would I want to go back to being level 1?!"

Well that's a fair question, see Mabinogi works off a skill system, not a level system. Everything you do in this game, from fishing to fighting to harvesting wheat to playing an instrument; are all skills. Skills can be ranked by practicing the skill in question, so if you play an instrument you'll get better at playing instruments and this will grant you an array of bonuses from playing the song more accurately to boosting your bard buff skills; but it ALSO gives you permanent stat bonuses, both for the skill itself and for the governing Talent.

That probably doesn't make sense so let me break it down like this:

Let's say at level 1 (absolutely baby new character) I have 10 in all my stats, so my stats look like this: Str: 10 Int: 10 Dex: 10 Will: 10 Luck: 10 Now let's say I buy an instrument from the general store and equip it; learning the skill "Play instrument" in the process (yea you learn a lot from just doing things in this game it's great but more on that later) I use the skill fulfilling the requirement "use the skill" and this gives me enough EXP training in the skill to rank it from Novice to Rank F (Ranks go from Novice -> F - A -> 9 - 1, and in specific cases there's some bonus ranks after rank 1 mastery that amplify the skill further but that's not too important for now.)

After ranking the skill to Rank F I gain +1 Dex, this means my Dex permanently (no matter what level I am) will go from a base of 10, to a base of 11. Now the Playing instrument skill falls under the Bard talent, and the Bard talent gives a Talent Bonus of additional Strength, Max HP, and Music Buff Duration. For the sake of example at Master Bard you get +15 to Strength and Max HP

Now it's actually not really possible to reach Master Bard with only Rank F Playing Instrument but if it were our stats at level 1 would suddenly look like Str: 10 -> 25 Dex 10 -> 11 And if our HP was maxed at 100, it would now be a max of 115

At this point no amount of Rebirths can take those bonuses away from us. So even at level 1 the stats of an experienced player with plenty of high rank skills will look like the stats of an unskilled level 100 player.

So WHY would I want to go back to level 1 anyways? Well to put it simply, now that you understand how skills work you might wonder how you actually go about ranking a skill once the EXP is full. Well you do that with AP (Ability Points) which you earn upon leveling up.

As you can imagine, like any MMORPG the EXP needed to level from level 1 -> 2 is significantly less than from level 50 -> 51. What this means is that typically once you reach higher levels in an MMO you need to grind a lot. However Mabinogi handles things differently. You get a solid amount of EXP from anything you do because you not only get EXP for killing monsters, but also from just about any skill. So if I want to spend my day doing crafting at the engineering mines I can literally hit level 50-80 from level 1 just making my friends some guns and such. Then I can rebirth back to level 1 and do it all over again.

In Mabinogi you have 2 different types of levels those being Current and Cumulative (or Total) [ A Quick side note: this is not to be confused with Exploration levels those are technically the second type of level that you get from doing exploration related stuff but they give you stats and AP all the same so I don't know why it's like that.]

Believe it or not, level 25k as a Total level is still considered a newbie player lol. This is because leveling in this game is made extremely easy no matter what you do. My friends and I have a lot of focus on production skills like Carpentry (for making instruments, and bows) or Tailoring (for making clothing) or Blacksmithing (for making armor and weapons) just as a few examples. Those skills all give enough EXP that we normally hit level 70 - 100 fairly quickly (within about an hour of playing with no need to grind) because crafting gives a ton of EXP. You could also do Alchemy or magic craft or engineering or cooking or handicraft or potion making but again I'm getting ahead of myself.

What I'm saying with all of this is that there's practically NO GRIND (unless you really want to grind, then you absolutely could grind) the core gameplay loop here is essentially:

Rebirth to level 1 -> Engage with your chosen talent for this rebirth whatever that might be -> Earn levels through your gameplay no matter what that might be -> Rebirth to level 1 with the new stats, skills, and AP you earned.

This means if you play the game for a bit as say a Warrior talent, learning all your close combat skills, ranking them up earning HP, getting armor that's actually going to block damage, getting your defense up; becoming an absolute beefy tank of a player and NOW you go "hey I want to be a mage..." that just works! Not only do you still have access to all your close combat skills while under the Mage Talent but they still get EXP and you can still rank them, and all the stats you got from them carry over so now you're effectively a spellsword who can sling magic around, heal people, use mana-shield to become EVEN TANKIER, and you never need to worry about being that "squishy mage" and from there if you wanted to you could rebirth again and go into a talent for herbology and potion making, creating a sort of Cleric who uses close range combat to stay up front with the party but also can craft potions from herbs found in dungeons and can use healing magic to keep everyone topped off while fighting; and the best part is that none of this detracts from your ability to do whatever YOU want to.

One of my friends plays almost exclusively as a tailor, the only other thing they do is fish; they try to fill out their fishing journal and they try to become a grandmaster tailor; that's almost entirely their play style and you know what's great? We can just invite them to run high level shit with us because Fishing gives Strength, Dex, Will, and Stamina while Tailoring, Weaving, and Sheep Sheering gives Dex. Meaning they actually have very consistent damage output since your weapons "balance" (likelihood your weapon deals closer to max damage) is determined by Dex, they use melee which is effected by Strength, and which has skills that consume Stamina, and if they DO take a hit they have a fairly high chance to survive thanks to Will being not only a buff to crit chance but also a chance to not take fatal damage since it's literally a measure of your determination. What I'm saying with this whole blurb here is that my friend who's essentially a Slice of Life type who focuses on tailoring, fishing, and hanging out with their pets on the side; can fight side by side with my ass who has a focus on close range combat and magic. They're allowed to play the game in the way they want to, without being penalized when I want to bring them along for content that is more suited to my playstyle; and the BEST best part is that for being in a party together my bonuses for crafting apply to them as a party bonus, so just for teaming up they ALSO get a bonus to playing their way with increased success chances on their crafting and tailoring.

Now I hear you saying "That's cool and all Cryptid but YOU SAID THIS GAME WAS GENDER EXPLAIN YOURSELF" Yea you right, you right; let me get to that already...

So now that you understand that Rebirthing resets you to level 1, I should probably mention that during rebirthing you can also edit some things about your character; mainly your gender.

Yes. You heard me correctly; you can just swap your gender every day/week in this game for free.

This isn't even taking into account the sheer amount of customization the game gives you, allow me to explain.

First I will show off my blorbos and then I will show you some REALLY creative people I've seen around town as well;

So, here's my character as a man. I personally love the fact that if you look closely you'll notice that not only does their hair change nearly constantly, but I can also change their eye color (and skin color, and just about anything else about them) on a whim.

I'm not going to lie to you, being fashionable in this game and having like 80 different aesthetics for your character DOES take a little bit of time; but it's ultimately achievable without whaling. I really don't drop a lot of money (if any; I'm poor and I have to pay rent) on this game. Yet events are literally constant, giving out free pets, outfits, dyes, whatever you name it there's probably an event that gives it to you for free.

"Okay that's cool and all but what if I'm not a skinny twink? What if I want to play a game where I don't have to be some absolute twig?"

Well then you're in luck my friend, because this game has plenty of body options. See the thing is with Mabinogi what you eat does more than just give you bonus stats. You eat to replenish hunger but you can also change your body shape with food. Some foods will slim down certain parts of your body, other foods will make you bulk up.

I mentioned a little earlier in this post I have a friend who mostly focuses on tailoring and fishing, they look like this:

That's because they wanted to bulk up so they ate a lot of bread and the like, they DID look like this:

With the knowledge of what food changes what parts of the body you can basically achieve any body type you personally desire. If you want to play as a twig you absolutely can (I know as someone who's underweight I personally vibe better seeing representation of myself who is also underweight because it makes me feel less bad about my body) and if you want to put some meat on your bones and be chubby you can absolutely achieve that as well; it won't effect your stats or ability to play the game what so ever.

You can even pick from a wide array of skin colors which range from pale to dark skin they've got a ton of shades of red, orange, brown, black, it's actually super inclusive and I love it a lot because you get to see people of all skin tones playing this game as a character who they can actually relate to

You might also notice some skin tones like blue, red, purple, pink; you can absolutely just say "I would rather not be a natural skin tone" and create a character that fits more to your aesthetic; for example here's someone who runs a dye shop that I saw and absolutely loved the design of:

They even have a cool tail and wings and bunny slippers. Like what a cool idea for a character!

Mind you that in this game your character ages every week, this character was likely around 13 - 15 given their size. Your size depends on your age (from I believe about 10 -> 20? Could be 18 I'm not sure exactly) and you can rebirth to keep yourself as young as you'd like if you prefer to have a small character.

So what can you achieve with all these options? Well a lot actually; here's some cool people I've seen around who I have hidden the names of for privacy reasons but I absolutely love their styles.

You got EDGY LADS

You got Modern Cozy Lads

You got High Fantasy Witch Lads!

You got lads who you just know can kick some ass just by lookin at em!

No idea why this one doesn't want to work as a gif but boi I love their styles.

YOU EVEN HAVE COSPLAY LADS! (I left their names because their names/titles add a lot here)

By now you're probably seeing a lot of this fashion and wondering how it all works; and to that I have to explain something amazing about this game. See in a lot of games you have dyes; you can dye a piece of gear a color that better suits your aesthetic right?

So what if you could dye like... multiple parts of that thing?

And as you can get by now that's literally exactly how this works. There's a ton of different kinds of dyes in this game, most dyes come in either "dye ampules" or "metal dye ampules" and can dye that kind of surface respectively, so metal dye for anything made of metal (no shit) and dye amps for just about anything else. There are VERY few things in this game that can't be dyed and most things that CAN have not just Parts A and B, but most have A, B, C, D, and E... like it goes from "oh my god I can look however I want" to "OH GOD I NEED LIKE 5 DYES TO MAKE THIS LOOK GOOD" real quick lol. However I really love the system, it operates off RBG but also off the hex code so if you know you're really looking for a specific shade of blue, you can get that.

If a dye ampule is "Fixed" it means it will always result in that exact color, while anything that's not Fixed actually has a 1 in 5 chance based on where you drop your pins.

Also cool thing here, as far as gear goes you get a slot for your main body (torso and pants), your shoes, gloves, helmet, robe/wings, and two accessories (now accounting for your tools/weapons) and none of these things need to match as a set if you don't want them to. If you think those shoes look good with this shirt and that hat with these gloves GO FOR IT, give yourself horns, give yourself wings, give yourself a cool tail or a halo or a little bird who is totally not an abnormality who breached containment I promise he's just a little guy leave my bird alone!

Yes I dyed the bird, yes you can dye accessories too; yes I made him into punishing bird. (Yes I still need to dye this outfit more it doesn't match entirely and it DOES bother me lol)

So now we've gone over the fact that you can have clothing that's gender nonconforming (like skirts or maid outfits for men and butler outfits and suits for women and the like this also includes wigs made for specific genders and such), we've gone over inclusive skin tones and even non-natural skin tones that let you make characters that might not even look human (aside from the Elf and Giant races but you know what I mean), and we've gone over the fact you can have basically any body type you'd like with eating food (most of which is easily obtainable so it's not like it's hard to even get the body type you want), AND we went over the fact your character isn't locked into a gender, being able to swap between gender as you want; SURELY this game can't get any more inclusive can it?

EVERYONE PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO THE DEITY OF FREEDOM AND SECOND CHANCES, HYMERARK WHO'S CANONICALLY GENDERFLUID! (AND COULD KICK MY ASS)

THIS BITCH RIGHT HERE IS REFERRED TO IN GAME AS BOTH HE/HIM AND SHE/HER AND CANONICALLY DOES NOT HAVE A GENDER. THEIR GENDER IS ??? AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If you're curious this game is based on Celtic folklore and it actually has such a cool aesthetic of mixing Celtic aesthetics with the fact it's a Korean game that has anime crossovers.

Alright alright let me talk more about the mechanics a bit because if you're interested you might be thinking:

"Well geez Cryptid this game seems rad but if I DO play and I want to have a bunch of different skills and stuff isn't my inventory going to get so full it's going to be annoying to keep organizing it"

HA! OH LORD OH GOD OH NO BOI YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THIS GAME'S INVENTORY SYSTEM!

Okay so the way Mabinogi does Inventory is terrifying as someone with ADHD.

You have your main inventory right? It looks like this:

The 1 and 2 columns are expandable so by default you'll only have the 6 x 10 space which is more than enough, because you see; in Mabinogi Inventory size is determined by how many BAGS you can fit into your base inventory.

Yea so basically, you get Bags which are all essentially bags of holding; there's a bag that is an additional 10 x 17 (yes that's literally an additional 170 spaces of inventory which is bigger than your starting inventory mind you) AND THE BAG ITSELF IS ONLY 1 x 2 in your base inventory. Meaning it takes up literally 3.333% of your available inventory to give you just over DOUBLE the inventory room. So allow me to do a quick google search for Mabinogi Inventory and uh... YUP there it is:

Image credit to bladeskletch on Reddit

In the bottom right you can see their base inventory full of little bags and then ACROSS THEIR WHOLE SCREEN YOU CAN SEE EVERY FUCKING BAG THEY HAVE.

So no you won't run out of space very quickly, but YES it is going to be a pain to find things if you don't stay organized lol. (There is a search function because they know it's hard to find a tiny item among the clutter)

Now at this point you've probably noticed something, the UI in this game is this sort of clear black and grey right?

Wrong.

Mabinogi actually does this super cool thing that new games don't do but older software did a lot and gives you the ability to change the color theme of your games UI.

and the list of available options they give you is longer than it actually needs to be if I'm being honest:

So not only can you customize your blorbo to be whatever gender, skin tone, body type, and general aesthetic that you want, you can also change up your UI to vibe with your personal aesthetics as well!

AND IF THIS ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU YET DON'T WORRY THERE IS MORE!

This game comes alive in the details, all the little things you might not even think a game needs but it has them for some reason.

You want Commerce? Sure why not! This game has a whole commerce system where you can buy and trade goods between towns as you fend off bandits trying to steal your goods. If you do it on the bigger continent you can buy an airship and fight off giant dragons that try to break your ship out of the sky.

Speaking of exploration on the bigger continent; there's literally a whole exploration system complete with hot air balloons, rafting; and dowsing for hidden relics (some of which are literally dungeons).

The music you play as a bard can be written by players so you're not playing "Default Song #4" you're charging into battle to the tune of Megalovania or literally whatever song you want.

Giants can carry humans because giant big and human small and it's super cute:

You can also fly in this game, and you can pick up other players in your party to fly with you.

Some mounts in this game are able to be ridden by multiple people and some function as more than just a pet/mount like the food truck you can use as a cooking oven.

I cannot stress enough that BOTH these characters are male, this game gives 0 fucks:

You learn new skills by talking to NPCs using a memo book your character will take notes in as you play the game and you can actually have proper dialogue with NPCs to find out they're not just these flat characters but actually have lives and religions and thoughts about the world and some of them will send you on quests to help them do things around town if you bother to actually talk to them. Those quests teach you how to interact with the world and it's mechanics.

Furthermore you earn Titles as you play and if you're wearing specific titles some NPCs will react differently, like if you wear a title with religious significance some people who worship the religious god/goddess in question might actually give you items and such.

Every real life day of the week has different bonuses to different things, so crafting on a specific day of the week can yield better results, gathering on some days might be easier.

Crafted gear not only has a signature of who made the gear but can gain bonus stats based on how well it was made; so you actually have an incentive to buy player made gear over just getting something from the NPC Blacksmith. Personally I'm working with my friends to have gear entirely created by my friends because I love the idea of running around with my friend's signatures all over my gear. I do Engineering/Magic Craft and Carpentry my friends do Tailoring and Blacksmithing respectively.

You can have a family, adopt other players as kids, and even set a family rule that if broken will strike someone with lightning; if you're evil make the rule "you can't drop items" or "you can't eat berries" or "you can't kill animals" and watch people get struck by lightning mid dungeon run (it won't hurt them but it will drop them to the ground for a moment).

You even get a Homestead which allows you to basically play the Sims and have a small plot of land you get to decorate, it starts off as a farm and then expands to where you can have a house on it and such. Your pets can also go there to rest and go on pet quests.

The pet system in this game is fantastic with pets having their own inventories as well as their own skills and stats; you can even log in and play as your pets. I personally have a small army of corgis who are my designated battle pets considering Pet Trainer is a talent and I'm dedicated to making these corgis into absolute gods of destruction by feeding them smaller weaker pets until they become powerful:

Yes one of my corgis is named Taii. (Hello fellow Wonder Lab enjoyers)

Learning advanced magic requires you to actually have and use beginner magic and then go find pages to put together the books that you can ACTUALLY READ (yes every book in this game is actually full of lore and explains in game reasoning behind everything and yes players can publish their own books in game) in order to learn more advanced forms of magic, you actually get to go like; study magic and not just talk to some guy and then learn a higher level skill.

You can form a bond with your weapons turning them into spirit weapons that have special abilities and you can name them; I have a baseball bat named Majima

Weapons in this game fall under a few specific trees of skills but many can use skills from other trees. The list of weapons you can use in this game includes but is not limited to:

Lances

Swords

Bows

Axes

Scythes

Rapiers

Pom-poms

Chainsaw

Baseball Bat

Hammers

Puppets and Control Bars

Dual Guns

Shurikens

Just a Stick

Knuckles / Fists

Musical Instruments

Staffs / Wands

Atlatls

Surf Board

Chain Slash (basically chain whips)

Alchemy (everything from pocket sand to summons)

At one point the game basically becomes a dating sim where you get to manage a group of knights and accompany them on missions. I don't have a lot of experience with it but if you're into that sort of thing, you'll probably enjoy that whole mechanic.

Humans can transform into Paladins or Dark Knights. Elves can transform into a humanoid bird called Falcons Giants can transform into giant yetis called Beasts

Every race can transform into a demi god

Every race can then later transform into some kind of cool customizable deity thing that I've not got around to unlocking but I know it's neat.

Aside from those transformations there's also a skill for Transformation that not only lets you turn into NPCs but also a ton of enemies and animals all of which can use basic combat skills lol.

Players regularly host concerts where they play music on a big stage as a whole ass band and it's really cool there's a whole venue you can go to in one of the towns where the concerts are held and you get a buff for it.

There are banquets every week that just give you free EXP and there's raffle drawings for prizes.

THE OST IN THIS GAME FUCKING SLAPS AND UNDER THE OPTIONS YOU CAN CHANGE IT FROM THE DEFAULT OST TO THE ORCHESTRA VERSION AND IT'S SO GOOD!

You can have a Red Panda and feed it special bean tofu to make it absolutely massive, like ungodly huge. Because why not I guess.

LASTLY!

The game is small, it takes literally maybe 30 minutes to download with bad internet and it has so much heart and soul that I can't even get into here.

DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT IN NA WE GET THE MOST GENERIC KINDA CRINGE ADS BUT IN KOREA THEY GET HIGH BUDGET FUNKY MUSIC VIDEO ADS AND I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE NA FOR THIS.

Anyways yea thanks for coming to my TED talk :P

If you have questions, I have answers.

#GOOD LORD I WAS POSSESSED I AM SO SORRY

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gqteach · 1 year

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Surprising no one, I did not update this blog over the summer. But I did teach the teachers, and it was good. I had several thank me and a couple more try to crash my class because they wanted to see "Trans Students 101" instead of whatever they'd been assigned. I'm also going to a conference in a couple weeks to teach the panel to a variety of teachers (and university faculty) from around the Midwest, so that's pretty exciting. Every single time I get to stand in front of people and teach these things, it feels like a major win.

I have a new job now, as a Special Ed Teacher! I am at a much smaller staff (and school) than before, and I think I know almost every adult at this point. A lot of the other teachers, especially the new hires, are also neurodivergent and queer. They're all super sweet and supportive, and so is the old guard. My principal is a bit brusque by times, but I get the impression that it's just a "way he speaks" thing, because every time we talk, he's very warm and helpful. I have high hopes for the year.

I also immediately got clocked as neurodivergent by the school's SpEd cause manager. Apparently I remind him a lot of his Autistic, ADHD son. I don't have proper documentation, but I am making a concerted effort to self-advocate and make this job more accessible. Part of that is I'm just trying to get everything in writing, because then I have something concrete to reference at any given time. According to my psych, I don't actually have a bad memory, my memory stores too much information at any given time which means accessing the actual stuff I need is nigh impossible by times. So, writing. I'm also asking like, a million questions, because Clear Communication and Understanding. I don't want to repeat the past two years' experience.

Teachers got our end of (last) year evals, and honestly, I haven't checked mine. I'm too anxious, even though I know what it's going to be. The real question is whether I fight it, or if I just take it and try extra hard these next two years. My mentor would encourage me to fight it, but I don't know if I have the energy.

I have an official diagnosis of Persistent Depression now, plus the other stuff we already knew, so I'm working really hard to turn my life around and structure it in a way that's good and healthy for me. It's a lot of hard work, but I have to believe it will be worth it in the end.

They have me teaching Biology and US History. You may recall that I am a math teacher and I honestly have no idea how to teach those other subjects. Luckily, I have very competent co-teachers to help me along there, and I do have one math class that is going absolutely fine. In History, we're talking about Race as a Social Construct, and I'm trying to decide if the kids are ready for the "Gender is also a Social Construct" talk or if it'll just throw them off more.

Students are...teenagers. I have freshmen and sophomores now, and they're all (COVID-caused) socially underdeveloped, so classroom management is a pain and a half. I'd say we're at "getting my pronouns correct half the time" right now, and working on it. I also have a lot more Spanish speakers, so working with the gender-neutral Spanish is an adventure all its own. I'm back to being the first nonbinary person a lot of students have met, and I'm trying to remind myself that there was an adjustment period at my last school, too. This will get easier. Even if I have to tear apart the queerphobic culture brick by brick.

(10/1/2023)

#Queer #Genderqueer #Nonbinary #Nonbinary Teacher #Trans Teacher

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freneticphoneticfanatic · 1 year

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Pronouns really do matter. It’s astounding how much my perception and understanding of someone changes when I try not to see them as the sex they are and use opposite-sex or gender neutral pronouns to refer to them. I’ve been doing that for a few people in my life and hadn’t even realized the difference it makes until I practiced referring to them with pronouns corresponding to their sex instead of their gender identity in my head.

I don’t know how else to put it: their behaviors, they as people, make a lot more sense when I allow myself to accept my perception of their sex. I wish it didn’t make that much of a difference. Sex shouldn’t matter, but it does. Our sex greatly affects how people treat us, the opportunities available to us, what is and isn’t considered acceptable dress and behavior, etc., just like any other class we may belong to. Sex is a big part of what shapes our life experiences and therefore contributes to who we are and the choices we make. Of course I can still logically know someone is female while calling her “he.” Still, when I actively strive to ignore something as impactful as sex and work against my perceptions in my interactions with someone, it gets harder to see the full picture.

How can I interact with those pursuing FTM transition and ignore or downplay so much of our common ground, things said and done to us because we’re female? How can I interact with those pursuing MTF transition as though we have more in common than we do, as though the influence of a life on the “beneficiary” side of patriarchal conditioning isn’t blatantly obvious in their actions? How is that fair to anyone involved? How is that kindness?

I refuse to accept the narrative that I am something different from trans men because I proudly claim what they repudiate. Feminists and FTM trans people may have different goals, but we’re more alike than not. When we accept that it’s unacceptable to discuss our experiences and observations, to point out the ways in which males differ from us, and to name our shared reality as distinctly female, we deny ourselves connection. We sacrifice something that would benefit us greatly for politeness’ sake, something women are expected to do all throughout our lives.

I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance in my interactions with and surrounding the trans people in my life. I’ve been grappling with what I want to do about that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past couple years, it’s that reading about something and experiencing it in real life result in vastly different levels of understanding. It’s easy to say with full confidence how you would act in certain situations until you’re in those situations and faced with difficult decisions.

#mine #pronouns #feminism #cognitive dissonance

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cozbunny · 1 year

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a piece about my journey with womanhood

I used to identify as trans. I was confused about my gender ever since elementary school, and I used to never feel feminine. I didn’t fit in with other girls in my grade, and I felt I got along more with the boys in class. I would look at the girls sitting together and gossiping about who’s dating who, talking about makeup, hair, and new clothes they’d gotten over the weekend, and I found it boring and dull. Then I’d look at the boys, who were swearing at each other, roughhousing, and just being “boys”, and I’d get jealous of them. I always wished that I was one of the boys.

In middle school, I started playing with my gender identity and trying new names, pronouns, and labels, to see what would stick. It was an incredibly uncomfortable time. I was surrounded by friends who didn’t take me seriously at the time and thought that me changing my name and pronouns a lot was me faking being trans. It was incredibly hurtful when my friends would ignore me or say I was faking it all, because I knew my feelings were incredibly real.

At the end of 7th grade, after playing with my identity for what felt like forever, I finally settled on identifying as nonbinary. That label was the only one that made sense to me at the time, and it felt validating to be able to put a name to what I was feeling. I continued to label myself that way all the way until 10th grade.

During the summer between 10th and 11th grade, something in my identity shifted. I suddenly felt more “binary” than in previous years. I wanted to wear makeup, jewelry, and even dresses. For God’s sake, I wanted to wear dresses for the first time since I was four! I wanted to be just like the girls that bored me in elementary school. I wanted to be a girl for the first time in my entire life.

At first, I was embarrassed. How could I have been so wrong? I felt like an idiot. Then, I felt anxious. All of the friends I had made over the years were all part of the LGBT community, so how on earth was I supposed to tell them I want to de-transition? I felt like they’d make fun of me and stop wanting to be my friend.

I attempted to suppress my feelings. I tried identifying as nonbinary but presenting as a girl, I tried to say I was nonbinary and a girl at the same time, I even cut my hair and tried to look as masculine as possible. All of it made me feel worse, and I was depressed. I hated myself and just wished I had the courage to actually be myself.

After a while, I admitted to my boyfriend that I wanted to de-transition. I felt ashamed, but he supported me wholeheartedly. I asked him to start calling me she/her pronouns and referring to me as his girlfriend, and when he did, it all made sense. I was a cis girl!

My boyfriend gave me the courage to begin de-transitioning. I was embarrassed at first, but with time I got more comfortable with it. My friends from before did make fun of me, and even came up with crazy theories as to why I changed so much, which I was fine with because I wasn’t friends with them anymore. And for good reason.

It’s safe to say that I’m much happier fully embracing myself for who I am, instead of trying to appease other people, and being ashamed that I was wrong in the past. It’s okay to change, and those who tried to shame me for that were stuck in the past and weren’t worth my time. I’m glad I’m me now, and not someone people want me to be.

#cozbunnytxt #this took so long #i wrote and rewrote this so many times #this is also kinda my college essay too!#hope you like it hehe #womanhood #detrans kink blogs dni #detrans #detransition #detransition positivity

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d3nt4l-d4m4g3 · 3 years

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A few days ago, I emailed my former professor about a paper on women’s food practices in the middle ages. At least, that’s what I told him it was about, initially.

But actually, I wanted to discuss heresy. This professor teaches a women’s rights course every year. Every year at the beginning of the class, he calls attention to why he, a man, is talking about women’s rights. He looks us in the eyes and says, no one else is doing it, and I’m sorry it’s me.

This man made us read the SCUM manifesto, Gerda Lerner, Maria Mies. He grazed the subject of the Lesbian Sex Wars, delicately, so gingerly, posing the question: “Can sex work ever be just work?” And my (all woman) classmates, generally mute—in a Women’s Rights class, they all seemed averse to saying the word “woman,” at all. Then one woman raised her hand. and she said, “Sex work is real work.” A statement that, as I hope you know, is a deflection and a discussion killer.

At the time I was non-binary. Hah. I submitted a comic at the end of the year of my final project. My thesis for that project was this: the very language female people have to use for themselves was constructed by the patriarchy. for example, the english word “vagina” comes from the latin word for “sheath”. so the vagina invokes the act of penetration upon its utterance. Whereas the word “penis” has no clear etymological root, implying that it is original while the vagina is constructed for him. Why should I carry the fact that I will always be a tool, the hole, of the human that is man? My solution, at the end of the comic, was to continue using they/them pronouns, to shield myself from the horror of being a wo-man, a s-he—an appendage of Him.

I got a good grade. A stellar report. And it wasn’t a bad comic, for what I knew then. For my condition of blindness and deafness. I made a compelling argument, using sources from class. But oh, how much older I feel now. I’ve always felt old but now I feel almost like I’m dying. Like I don’t have enough time to fix the world before I disappear. And women’s stories never survive. They are not surviving. networks spring up like mycelium and then every century at least they are burned. Witchcraft is in the air shared by women in a room of their own, and witchcraft is doused in gasoline.

I don’t have enough time to explain how the veil lifted for me. Maybe I forget the big moment. the days after were a blur of searching the no-no tags like radical feminist, GNC, gender critical. Amazed at the wealth of journals that these women linked to with real statistics showing that children are being sterilized for no reason. Mostly gay children. like me, a lesbian, who now lives in a house with three “non-binary afabs”. This summer, one of these women, who I have known since freshman year, will start taking testosterone, a procedure I took up for three turbulent months during my freshman year of college. I get to watch her become what I turned away from, knowing the experience fractured my sense of self to a point of terror and estrangement. I get to watch her hide from her problems and cut herself off from womanhood the way I did for 3 years. I am not a woman, so do I not feel Woman’s pain, she is telling me, I told myself, when I was in a dream. She has so many problems, she laughs. But trans is a separate problem that has nothing to do with those other problems. A coincidence.

(For any trans people reading this, you may think: This transtrender fake-trans never-was-trans woman is treating these nonbinary people as if they were dead! as if they weren’t happy people finally living their truth! —well. I put my mom through the process of trying to convince her that I should have always been a man. and I did lose her, for months. For her it was the height of cognitive dissonance that I should want to go on a life-altering hormone to cure my lifelong social awkwardness and self-hatred and self-harm and depression. And I blamed her for not accepting my real self. I was basically made to shun her and my family because of transphobia.. It is disrespectful to anyone’s sanity and integrity for me to perpetuate that cognitive dissonance in this post.)

So I eventually got through to the professor. I knew because of the texts he had us to read for class. He is gay. He has read all the theory, and lives by it. And no (woman) student wants to speak to him. To bring the theory alive. They cannot breathe into it and it sits dead in his mouth.

Maybe it is because he is a man. because the presence of one man in a space of all women immediately sends up alerts. lockdown. Certainly that is the case. Radical Feminists here: I know he’s a man. But I don’t have a woman. And I felt on the strength of the texts he’d given us that he would be my best bet. Maybe somewhere in the corrupted, rotting heart of my college there was a person who knew about thoughtcrimes and was thinking them anyway.

My professor starts with diversion. He starts by talking about my paper. I find it disconcerting that he starts that way. I worry that he won’t want to refer to my email. Where I say: I have woken up from a dream to the apocalypse—Does this man think I’m crazy? Chipper and kind of frantically, he lists off primary sources of medieval nuns and women saints. for my paper. Does this man think I’ve turned into a bigot? Am I confessing lunacy, like a flat-earther?

But I steer the conversation to the meat at his first tentative encouragement. I tell him something like: “children, mostly gay children, a whole generation of gay children, are being sterilized. Porn is a symptom of late-stage capitalism—men’s ownership of women’s bodies. trans is an extension of this. I was part of this. I was in a cult.” I was shaking a bit. I don’t think I’d uttered those words out loud. They sound crazy. Some of the things I said did sound far-fetched. disorganized, remote. But I prayed that my professor would believe some of it, any of it.

What I will say is that he believes me. Thank fuck, right?

He tells me something along the lines of this, vocalizing my fears:

that all of academia is being scrubbed of anything that doesn’t support Trans.

And it is trans-identified female students and women who are reporting him to Title IX, who spend all their time in his classes fuming at the lack of validation for trans women in the history of women. My sisters, footsoldiers for the cause. What cruel irony. This man is holding onto this class by his fingernails, speaking through his teeth, hoping any of the twenty young adult women staring blankly or angrily at him will hear him and listen.

Looking back, the professor’s responses to my emails are vague, completely refusing to acknowledge a point of view other than “WOW. I look forward to discussing this.” I think he thinks he could be blackmailed. Anything he says on gmail dot com can and would be used against him. It’s like, really, really, really that bad.

No ideology should involve a cultural cleaning of women’s history feat. witch hunts.

I will end here with an excerpt from my first email to this professor:

I'm sure you know what a total bummer it is to realize this.

#detransition #tra #gender critical #radical feminism #radfem #radblr #feminism #academia

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exjunkiebaby · 3 years

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60 days clean (again)

A few days ago I celebrated 60 days clean from all substances, including weed. This is probably my tenth time celebrating 2 months. It’s fucking embarrassing and I don’t want to post about it. I’m proud but I also carry a lot of shame. I keep messing up. I keep starting over. I try to tell myself, “Well you’re not dead, so that means you have another chance at life;.”

I have another chance and I refuse to throw it away like a used lottery ticket with no winnings on it. My family and what little friends I have left are absolutely sick of my shit, and they’re wondering, “When will she finally be getting her shit together?” I turn 27 in February. How humiliating. I have nothing to show for it, except for several rehab stints in an attempt to make my life “normal.”

I’m in a program for homeless, battered women escaping domestic abuse. I’m technically in a shelter and it has humbled me greatly. I can’t believe I really ended up here. I’m from an upper middle class family and I’ve had the world handed to me by my parents, yet I’m in this dingy shelter for crack heads. I’m not trying to demean any women, but goddamn - some of these people need to be in a mental health institution.

I’ve never come across so many transphobes and racists. Every white person says the n-word, even with a hard “r”. There are trans people and most women refer to them as males and refuse to use proper pronouns. They make jokes about their body parts and giggle like school girls. It’s fucking disgusting and I can’t wait to leave this cliquish hell-hole.

This place is shit but it’s what’s keeping me clean. I have one month left until I finish the program and can return to regular, normal society. I have minimal confidence in my recovery and don’t know how I’ll manage my triggers in the real world. I guess we’ll find out when the time comes, huh?

Thank you to everybody who reads my posts and messages me. You mean more than you’ll ever know. I write for you.

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imagineaworlds · 3 years

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I Love You (Part Fifty-Seven) -- Aaron Hotchner

Written By: @desperately-bisexual

Request: None.

Warnings: SMUT!! Cursing. Unprotected sex. Wrap it before you tap it, ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary sibs. Dom/sub relationship. Mild edging. Impregnation kink. The reader does go by they/them pronouns, however, Hotch refers to them as female when saying “good girl”.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Greenaway!Reader

Word Count: 8391

Timeline: A few days after part fifty-six.

Criminal Minds Discord Server

November 2nd. Aaron Christopher Hotchner’s birthday only came a few days after Halloween, which just meant more sugar for the kids. Between the cookies on Halloween and the birthday cake on Hotch’s birthday, those kids were spoiled rotten. Not that I ever complained. I loved celebrating Hotch’s birthday, as much as he hated it, and I loved dedicating the whole day to him—again, even though he hated it. He disliked the idea of celebrating himself. Not to mention that celebrating his birthday just made him think of his mother, who was horrible to him, and that would lead him to remember his father, who was even worse. That was why over the past couple of years, I had been trying to turn that day into his day, and not his parents’. It was okay for him to be selfish. Aaron really struggled with thinking highly of himself, or even thinking anything about himself. He preferred the idea of just spending his time and energy on me, the kids, and work. Between all of that, there was hardly any time for himself. On his birthday, however, it was all about him, and I was going to make him love his birthday one of these days.

However, my plans seemed to be canon-balled in the side by my parents. They surprised me and Hotch with a call shortly after Halloween to let us know that they had decided to get back together, and that they had moved in together again. When I asked when this happened, my mom said a couple of months ago. So… they had been keeping that from me all this time? Them and Hotch with the fucking secrets. I let it slide, though, considering I always knew that they still loved each other and that they only split up in the first place because of work, but now that was all in the past. Now, they could just be them. In fact, that was why my parents called in the first place. They asked if they could have the kids for the day, and when I tried to argue that it was Hotch’s birthday so we wanted the kids home with us, my mom interrupted with: “Oh, perfect! We’ll take the kids for the day, then you guys can come over for a birthday dinner!”

Ugh…

The thing about my mom was that she was never really… there… when Elle and I were growing up. Because she worked for the CIA, she was gone a lot, the same way that Hotch and I were away from Scar and Jack so much. With her traveling so much, she hardly settled to do “motherly” things like learning to cook. Elle and I loved her dearly, okay. We did. But her cooking was like eating acid. For Hotch’s birthday, I was imagining something a little more special than battery acid. Yet, I couldn’t talk them out of it.

Hotch had sing-songed in my ear, “We’ll have the whole house to ourselves for the day…” which made me ultimately give in. Then, when I hung up on them, he said, “Who knows, maybe the kids’ll like your parents.”

I groaned. “Who ever likes their grandparents?”

“Celia and Ken are good people, baby. They’re fun, and they love you and Elle more than anything in the world. I’m sure they’ll be good with the kids.”

I squinted at him. “Fine.”

My dad picked up the kids early in the morning since he spent the night working at the Academy anyhow. They lived about an hour away from our house, so by the time they were gone, we only had lunch, the afternoon, and about an hour of the evening before we had to leave. What was supposed to be a day of fucking in every reasonable room of the house turned into us just staring at our bedroom ceiling, counting the minutes until we had to get ready. I was dreading dinner. Not only was the drive going to be unbearably long, but dinner itself was going to be complicated.

There were a thousand things from my past that Hotch didn’t know about, and I would’ve kept it that way, but knowing my parents, they were going to unknowingly spill the beans, and I was going to have to explain a thousand things after the fact. Great. I mean, it wasn’t that I was actively keeping it all a secret from him. It just never came up. I was sure that there was stuff in his own past that he didn’t bring up because he couldn’t remember at the time or because there was no point in mentioning it. But my parents were the embarrassing type. I thought that by dating an older guy, and kind of rushing our relationship, we could skip that whole “embarrassing dinner with the parents” spiel, yet there we were. Hence, why I was staring at the ceiling with him all day rather than running around the house naked.

While in the car, Hotch and I were extremely handsy with one another. He was trying to focus on the road, but I kept messing with his hair, or playing with the wedding ring on his finger as we held hands; meanwhile, he was kneading my thigh every so often, or caressing my cheek with his thumb, or brushing my hair out of my face. I wanted my attention to be on him. The whole day was supposed to be dedicated to him, yet I couldn’t think straight. Going home after years and years of not being there was just making me appreciate how far I had come, and now my mind was racing with memories, good and bad.

I had the love of my life, the job I always wanted, and I had an amazing, beautiful, nuclear family. My stepson loved me as his own mother. My daughter was perfect in every way. Just as I always anticipated, she lit up a room just with her very presence, and it was most obvious whenever she was around Reid or Morgan. My best friends, and one of them was the godfather of my child. My life was perfect. Going home, however, was just a reminder of a time when things weren’t perfect. I didn’t need that bringing me down right now.

“What’s wrong?” Hotch asked me when he took notice of how quiet I was.

I glanced over at him and sighed. “I love them, my parents. You know I do.”

“I know.”

“But I just don’t want to do this…”

“It’s too late.”

Silence hung in the air for another minute as I returned to deep thinking about what they could possibly say in front of Hotch that could upset either of us.

“What are you thinking about now?” he spoke up again.

“The past.”

He raised a brow. “Care to share with the class?”

I smiled and shuffled to face him. “Well, I was just thinking about how different I used to be before I joined the BAU and met you, and before we started dating. Even when we first started going out, we were so different than how we are now.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all.” I rested my elbow on the arm rest between us and stared up at him. “I used to work a shitty desk job, only dreaming about being where I am today. I had no friends, I didn’t talk to my parents or my sister, I hated my job, I lived in a one bedroom apartment in the city, and I didn’t have anyone I loved or who loved me back. I was entirely alone. And then everything changed when I met Jason Gideon and I solved the Footpath Killer problem faster than anyone else. So, I joined the BAU, thinking ‘What have I got to lose?’. Joined the team, made a friend or two, reconnected with my sister, and met a guy who was… well… my boss. He wouldn't leave me alone unless I went with him to dinner.” I poked Hotch’s dimple lightly when he smiled in response to my joke.

We both knew that he hadn’t chased after me. He wanted to. He really, truly wanted to chase after me, but he kept his distance because he thought that it would protect me, spare the team confusion, and spare himself potential heartache. But, eventually, he budged, and he asked me out. And by budged, I mean that I forced his hand. But it was cute to think that he would’ve chased after me if things had been slightly different. Maybe if I didn’t join the BAU, the chase would’ve happened naturally. Or maybe we would’ve continued staring and smiling at each other from a distance and nothing would ever happen because we were both cowards who didn’t know how to jump headfirst into a real relationship since we had been hurt one too many times before.

“And I guess he was cute, and I guess he was sweet…” I leaned in close and whispered in his ear, “And I guess he was good in bed…”

Hotch turned quickly and pressed a kiss to my lips before I could pull away from him. I smiled and pushed him back. “Tease,” he muttered under his breath.

“Shh,” I insisted. “I’m telling a story.” I sat back in my seat, swinging my legs over the arm rest between us so that my feet were on his thigh.

“That’s dangerous,” he warned.

“I trust you. Now, my story.” I hummed to myself, thinking about where I left off. “I gave up my life for a better part of a year for him and our relationship. So, I'm starting to think that this maybe might work, and the second it entered my head, he starts lying to me—”

“I didn’t lie—”

“No? What would you call what you did in Cincinnati, then?” I raised a playful brow. Hotch didn’t respond. He only licked his teeth and fell silent again so that I could continue my story. “Anyhow, he starts lying to me, yet I can’t stop thinking to myself that he’s the one, that I love him more than anything, and I’d die without him.” Hotch tore one of his hands off the wheel so that he could run his thumb over the inside of my left ankle. “And I know that I love him the way he is— even when he thinks that lying to me is the right thing to do.” Hotch squeezed my calf lightly to warn me away from accusing him of lying again. “I wanted to tell him, ‘You don't have to always be there; you don't have to change your habits… Just love me. You don't have to put the seat down; you don't have to eat avocado toast; you don't have to change a thing— Just stay with me.’ So, I try to tell him, ‘I want you— nothing but you.’ Because you take me in your arms, and suddenly everything in my life makes sense. For a moment, I forget just how dark and cold the world can get. It feels like my life led right to your side and will keep me there from now on.” I leaned forward again, pressing my palm against his cheek. He continued to watch the road, though I knew he was desperate to look at me, too. “Now I wanna hold you close— I don't ever wanna have to let you go. I don't wanna go back to the lonely life. Can we do that?”

Hotch moved to kiss my palm. “Of course.”

“Listen, when we get to my house, take a look at that town, take a look at how far I've come. I will never go back, never look back anymore. Everything bad that happened in my life stems from that place. I was missing what was perfect in my life—you and our family—but now I have you, and I never, ever want to let that go. Does that make sense?”

Hotch shrugged.

I brushed his hair back out of his face. I needed him to understand exactly what I meant, so I had to put it into terms that he could understand. “Just think about what you wanted. Think about what could be. Think about how I love you. Think of what's great about me and you. Think of the bullshit we've both been through. Think about how we’ve come so far together, and how we’ve overcome every single obstacle, no matter how tough they seemed at times. That’s not by chance, Aaron.” I gently curled my fingers around a fistful of his hair. “That’s effort that my parents never put in. That’s learning from our experiences—learning from where we came from and choosing to be better. Going back to my hometown and seeing my old life is like taking steps back on Candyland—” He chuckled at my simile. “I’m serious!” He shook off his laugh as we turned into my neighborhood and he started looking at the house numbers to figure out which one was mine. “You can’t let me stay here,” I said once I saw it at the end of the cul-de-sac. “Please, Aaron.”

“You’re being a little overdramatic, baby girl.”

“Just wait.”

I knew that once he would spend the evening with my parents, learning about my past and how spoiled and annoying I was as a kid, he would understand what I meant. I never thought in a million years I would be back there. I never thought that my parents would somehow manage to convince me to come back. Yet, as Hotch pulled into the driveway, I realized just how fucked this was.

“Mom! Dad!”

I looked over my shoulder and out my window to see Jack and Scarlet running out of the house, speeding onto the front lawn, and dashing towards our car. I smiled lightly. At least I had them. My little man and my lil’ bug. They made this trip worth it, and the upcoming dinner was going to be unbearable, but I could just hold Scarlet in my arms if I ever got upset or bored, and I would feel at home again.

Did Hotch realize how grateful I was? I mean, to be honest, I did most of the work, but the beginning was a team effort… if you catch my drift. I was so thankful that he gave me my lil’ bug Scarlet, and that he looked after us shortly after she was born, and that he was so hands on with her. I mean, he was close with Jack. He dedicated everything to his son when he was born, and even more so after Haley’s death; but Hotch was vastly different with Scarlet. With Jack, there was a level of protection that he had because of Foyet; because he didn’t want Jack to experience anything traumatic ever again. On the other hand, Scarlet hadn’t been through anything yet, and Hotch was working tirelessly to make sure it stayed that way. I would say that Scarlet was a daddy’s girl, too, which only encouraged Hotch to coddle her. I didn’t care anymore. It used to irk me that he was too overbearing with her, but since our lives had continued to turn upside down because of work, I actually appreciated Hotch’s caution with our daughter. Jack had been hurt once before, and between Hotch and I, we had been hurt over a hundred times—if I were being generous. At the very least, as her parents, we could protect Scarlet from ever enduring what the three of us had.

I swung my feet off of Hotch’s thighs so that we could both get out of the car. As I opened my door, Jack immediately jumped up, his arms sprawled so that I could catch him. I laughed as I barely made it on time. “Oh, boy!” I groaned while standing and hugging him tightly.

He was too big now to lift, and it pissed me off, but what was I supposed to do? Hurt my back more just to try to pick him up? No… As much as I missed holding him on my hip and hugging him so tight that neither of us could breathe, trying to lift him now would have been futile and simply hurtful for the two of us.

“Daddy!” Scarlet cheered as she jumped into Hotch’s arms. Like I said, daddy’s girl.

He kissed her cheeks over and over again until she pushed him away because it tickled too much. “How was your day, Ms. Scarlet?”

She poked at his cheekbones. “Good. Grandpa and Grandma played soccer with us.”

“Did you win?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not true!” Jack argued. “I won!”

I kissed his hair. “I’m sure you did, little man.”

“How was the drive?” Dad asked as he and Mom came to meet us outside, too. Hotch and I turned to face them. We told them that it was long, but nice. “Did ya work up an appetite?”

“Dad—”

“You know it,” Hotch answered over me, sending me a quick glance that begged that I would be polite.

“Good. Good.” Dad patted Hotch on the back before ushering us inside. “Celia’s been cooking up a storm all day. Hope you like steak.”

“Nothing sounds better.”

----

Dinner was ready almost immediately. The family gathered in the dining room, the kids at the end so that they could draw in a coloring book that Scarlet brought with her while the adults talked on the other end. Hotch and I sat side by side, my parents across from us. This was the first time we had a chance to talk with my parents since the wedding nearly three years ago. Not that the distance was on purpose. It was just that we never had the chance to sit down like this ever. The first time they met Hotch was practically just after he proposed, but then we were called away to work. It happened like that every time. Our jobs called us out to different states all the time, my mom’s job called her out to different countries, and my dad’s job required him to be at the Academy practically 24/7. It was a miracle that we could get all four of us in the same room for Hotch’s birthday.

Not that I necessarily saw it as a miracle. Considering we had never done this before, like I said, so therefore, Hotch never really got to know them, and vice versa. What were we supposed to do if they ended up hating them? I knew I was bitching about this all day, but that was only because I was nervous. If this went awry, I wouldn’t be able to choose between my parents and my husband. I knew what my decision would be, but that was heartbreaking to even consider.

Hotch put a hand on my knee to stop it from bouncing anxiously. My attention snapped to him to see that he was sending me a look that asked if I was alright or if I needed a break. I sent him a look that said I was alright. I was just thinking… Again…

Dad cut through his slice of birthday cake that Mom made for after dinner while talking with Hotch about Cody, the Director of the FBI. For dinner, my mom made steak—which was edible—and mashed potatoes and green beans, which were there. She tried her best. Dessert was probably the best part. Hotch didn’t exactly like anything “unhealthy” since he liked to stay so fit for the field; but I made him try some of the cake on my plate, and once he did, he was convinced into having a slice of his own.

“Have you been in contact with anyone from your high school?” Mom asked me. “I heard there was some kind of class reunion a month or so ago.”

I chuckled behind my cup. “Who would I be in contact with?” I took a sip.

“I don’t know… Oh— What about Steven Teller?”

I nearly spat my drink out. “What—”

“You know! Steven!” Mom hit Dad’s shoulder, “Where did he end up going for college?”

Dad started thinking. “Hmm… Wasn’t it… Tulane?” He snapped in eureka. “Yes! That was it! Tulane. His dad told me after he graduated that he got a job working for some prestigious law firm.” My dad pointed at me, “You must have a thing for lawyers.”

Hotch leaned to the side, pulling me towards him somewhat. “Steven Teller? Isn’t that—”

I stopped him with a glare. When he fell silent, we both sat back up straight in our seats. I looked at my parents. “No, I haven’t talked to Steven. I haven’t talked to anyone. And, honestly, I don’t want to.”

“What about Tess—"

I cleared my throat. “It’s getting kind of late,” I said, checking my watch. “I want to show Aaron around before we leave. You know, brag about some old memories and stuff.”

My parents took note of the change in tone in my voice, and the way the room suddenly grew uncomfortable. They recognized that they touched some kind of nerve. They fucked up, though they weren’t sure how, and they weren’t going to pry or stop me from talking to Hotch about it all privately—which was clearly what I wanted to do. So, they let us go.

I grabbed Hotch’s hand and started pulling him towards the stairs. He hurried after me, trying to keep up with how fast I was leading him along, and even trying to tug back on me to get me to slow down, but I didn’t. We skipped up the steps and hurried down to the last room on the left. My bedroom. It hadn’t been touched or bothered since high school. It was so weird. It was like some kind of time capsule that should’ve been burned down years ago. This wasn’t who I was anymore. I had grown up so much since leaving home. Like I told Hotch, I left this place and I never looked back, and I was fine with how my life turned out. I just didn’t think my parents would keep mine and Elle’s rooms untouched like this— like they were shrines of a better past or something.

“Steven Teller. I know that name,” Hotch said, closing the door behind me. “It’s been churning in my head for six years, Y/N. How do your parents not know?”

“I’ve told you before, I didn’t tell anyone. And I’ve also told you before that I would’ve never told you or Elle if the Fisher King hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. He took pictures of it, Aaron, and then he used them to black mail me. How could I tell people that? I got those pictures back, I hid them away, and I left this place for as long as I could.”

Hotch stepped closer to me. He put his hands on my biceps and sighed. “I’d kill him if I could.”

George Foyet and the Hawai’i gang had seen up close and person how far Hotch was willing to go to get revenge on those who hurt his family. If Steven Teller were there in front of us, I had no doubts in my mind that Hotch would’ve been willing to get locked up just for the sake of putting him six feet underground.

“Remember, I told you to take a look at how far I’ve come. I told you to remember that this isn’t who I am anymore— that none of this matters to me now. What matters is being in your arms. Being with you helps me forget.” I reached up to hold his face in my hands. “It was so long ago. Aaron, I need you to believe me when I tell you that it doesn’t matter. I mean— I— It does matter… But I don’t let it define me. I don’t let it distract me from what makes me happy. You, Jack, and Scarlet make me happy. That’s all that matters. I don’t care about him. I don’t think about him. Every bad memory I have of him has been forgotten and replaced by my happy memories of you.”

Hotch wrapped his arms around my waist and he lifted me up slightly so that my toes were barely tangling over the carpet, but my face was even with his. He kissed me. After a moment, he set me back down on my feet and he let go of me.

“So, what was Y/N Greenaway into when they were in high school?” His change of topic caught me off guard, but I appreciated it. He knew that I didn’t want to talk about this because, to me, it didn’t fucking matter. And if it didn’t matter to me, it didn’t matter to him. What mattered was that I promised to show him around. He was in my old bedroom, and he wanted to finally get to know everything I never told him. “You have any fun stories to tell me about all of this?” he teased while spinning around to get a look at everything around him. He stopped when he noticed my box of vinyls. “If there isn’t a single good record in here, I’m leaving.”

I snickered. “Well, your definition of good music is definitely older than mine.”

He grinned at me while running a finger over the titles. “Are you calling me old right now?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m only one year older now, not ten.”

“Still old.”

He picked out one of the records. “Brat.” He admired the cover of A Night at the Opera by Queen. “So, this is where your love for Queen began. Who’s old now?”

“That record’s older than me.”

“So, you like old things, then. Who would’ve known?” he questioned sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the bed. “Oh,” Hotch smiled to himself, “look what we have here.”

I watched as he reached for something at the bottom of my bookshelf. I cocked a brow, figuring that he was just grabbing an old kiddie book that we could take home for Scarlet, but what I saw in his hands when he turned around absolutely mortified me. “No—” I insisted quickly, pushing myself to my knees on the mattress. “Aaron Hotchner, you put that back!”

Hotch’s wicked smile brightened as he meandered over to the bed, flipping the book open to the front page. “I always wondered when I’d get the chance to see this.”

“Aaron—” I reached out, trying to swipe the book from him, but he caught my wrist and held me steady. “I swear—”

“Behave yourself,” he narrowed his eyes, still smiling, though. He released my hand, allowing me to sit back down obediently. As he turned to the next page, he sat down next to me so that I could watch what he was doing. “Do you remember how we went through my old yearbook the night you first told me you love me?” I was going to kill him, I swear. He had to know that I would do it, and I knew how to get away with it. “And you told me that I would never, ever get to see your yearbooks.” With that snide, calculated comment that was supposed to tease me, I tried to grab the book from him again, though I knew I shouldn’t have. “Look at you, you were adorable!” I tried again. “If you don’t stop that, I will tie you to the headboard.”

“I wasn’t adorable,” I told him as I gave up trying to take the yearbook away from him. “I was nerdy and dorky. Elle was always the cool one. She knew how to play the system so that she could be popular, meanwhile, I was just focused on getting to the Academy.”

“Sounds like a fun childhood,” he teased with sarcasm hiding behind his words.

“Hey!” I punched his arm lightly. “I had fun!”

“Mhm,” he nodded sarcastically. “Was that between studying and playing D&D, or was that after you volunteered at the senior center?” He pointed to all the different pictures of me on the community service pages.

“I’ll have you know,” I grinned, recalling a memory that would definitely get under his skin, ��that it happened after the homecoming game junior year.”

He looked up at me with wide, shocked, yet still angry eyes, just as I predicted. “Please tell me it wasn’t in his car, at least.”

“Her bedroom,” I corrected. “She lived just a block away from the school, so we snuck out of the game and walked to her place. Elle never even knew I was gone.”

Hotch’s eyes dilated slightly as his mind raced with every possibility of what happened that night. “And what about your room?” he asked while looking around in order to avoid eye contact with me so that he was harder to profile.

“Her birthday the following week,” I answered, now using the same kind of smirk that he had plastered to his face only moments ago. He thought that he could get to me by looking through the yearbook and stirring up old memories, but what he failed to recognize was that I would do anything to get the upper hand on this situation again.

Hotch cleared his throat as he turned another page of the yearbook. “Oh, look!” He was trying to change the subject again, despite how obvious it was that he was thinking about what happened on that bed in high school. “It’s a picture of you and Elle.” He turned the book slightly towards me again, but I didn’t look down at it.

I leaned against him, shifting around on my knees as I got closer. When my hand brushed against his pants, Hotch cleared his throat again and nearly slammed the book shut, yet he still managed to somehow hold together his composure. “You know,” I whispered into his ear, “birthday sex is a lot of fun.”

“Was this your move in high school?” he asked me with a raspy, breathless tone.

I knew I got him, now it was just a matter of breaking him. “No.” I shook my head. “This was.” I grabbed the book, knowing that he wasn’t paying attention to it anymore, and I threw it to the floor. His hands were desperate to hold onto something now, so they immediately found my hips as I straddled him. “And then it went a little something like this…” I whispered in his ear as I started slowly unbuttoning his shirt.

“Your parents are downstairs,” he whispered back.

“Just like high school.” I smiled.

He laughed as he leaned in to kiss me. “You would have been bad news for me back in high school, Y/N.”

“I’m still bad news for you.” I finally got his shirt open and I quickly pushed it off his arms. His arms snaked around my waist once they were free of his blue silk shirt. “You remember Valentine’s?” He nodded before pulling me in for another kiss. I pushed him away. “Round two?”

He shook his head. “I just want you. Please.”

“Whatever the birthday boy wants…”

Hotch moaned as I lowered my hips, grinding my panties against his trousers. When he was least expecting it, I parted from our endless kisses and pushed a hand to his chest with enough force to give him the idea that he should lay back on the width of the bed. Hotch listened, his arms falling from hugging me to grabbing my hips as he laid back calmly. He stared up at me with his brown eyes dilated that were turning pure black with lust. He licked his lips, trying to forget about how nice it was to kiss me and how he wanted to do it again.

I used my hand on his chest to balance myself as I dragged my hips up towards his chest slowly, feeling the outline of his erection passing over my covered slit. As I pushed myself back down, I felt his tip hit my clit, both of us letting out an unexpected moan in response.

When I realized what happened, I put my other hand over his mouth. “You have to be quiet,” I whispered, moving my hips forwards and backwards against him. He groaned against my hand, the vibrations of his pleasure running through my hand before coursing through the rest of my body.

“Fuck me,” he begged against my hand.

I sat up entirely, moving down his thighs somewhat so that I could fidget with his pants. He groaned quietly every time my fingers accidentally passed over his throbbing length as I struggled to get his pants off as fast as possible. I wanted him just as badly as he wanted me, and there was only so much time we had before my parents or Jack would come looking for us. All I knew was that I wanted to fuck him and call him mine for his birthday.

We worked together to discard the rest of our clothes. While I fidgeted with his pants, his hands crumbled up the skirt of my dress, and he made a move to lift it over my head, but while he was still laying under me, he couldn’t make the aggressive move he wanted. So, he had to wait. I pulled his belt out of all of the loops, then tossed it to the side. Without hesitation, I undid his pants, my palms brushing over his erection so often he was moaning and bucking. I lifted my hips so that I could push down his pants and underwear to his ankles, and when I sat back down, I made sure that I was right over his erection.

“Baby, please. Your dress.” He tugged at the skirt of it lightly. I nodded, raising my arms over my head. He whimpered a “thank you” and sat up slightly so that he could pull my dress off my body entirely, and afterwards, he unclasped my bra with expertise. “So precious, baby girl…” he exhaled through his nose lightly before kissing my bra strap. As my fingers tangled themselves in his hair and pulled, Hotch’s cold fingers slowly started pushing my bra straps off my shoulders. The more my bra fell, the more he kissed my bare body, making his way down to my nipples. “I love you,” he whispered to me as my bra fell to the floor and he wrapped his lips around my left nipple.

I moaned, throwing my head back. “I love you, too.”

He released my left nipple and slowly went to suck on the other one, making my stomach twist in pleasure. While he was preoccupied and I was desperate for him, I reached between us so that I could take his length in my hand. He hissed quietly. When I bucked my hips up slightly, running my clothed slit up every inch of him, I felt him twitch in my hand with excitement. He wanted me, of course. I wanted him, too, but this was all about pleasing him. I was going to take my time making sure that he was served and happy.

Hotch nibbled on my nipple gently when I ran my thumb over his tip. I heard him whimper a few quiet times. So, I did it again. He released my nipple so that he could moan into my chest. I smirked and did it again.

“Baby, please—” he gasped breathlessly. “Just fuck me. Please.”

“You wanna cum for me?” I asked him before kissing his hair.

He nodded. “Yes. Please. Fuck—”

As I lifted my hips, Hotch reached between us to push my panties to the side. “Do you want to cum in me?” I teased his tip at my entrance.

“Baby girl, I want to fill you so bad…” He tried pushing my hips down, but I held steady. “You—” He gasped against my shoulder as I rolled my hips slightly. “You promised— For my—For my birthday—”

“I know, baby,” I whispered. “I know.” I just loved hearing his pleas and whimpers too much to not pry them out of him. But now that he had given himself to me and his whimpers blessed my ears, I could finally give in for him. “I’m sorry.” I started lowering myself onto every inch of him. We both let out quiet moans that filled the room. Hotch wrapped his arms around my entire body, pressing my chest against his. “I love you.”

“I love you—” He groaned and threw his head back as I settled at the base of his cock. “You treat me so well, baby girl. Thank you.”

“Shhh…” I cooed. “Fuck…”

As I started rolling my hips around him and slowly moving up and down his length, I felt myself get more worked up, encouraging me to only go faster and harder. We held each other close as I did so. He was so hard, every inch of him was throbbing inside of me, hitting exactly where I needed him most. But then there was the added stimulation of my clit grinding on his pubic bone. It made me melt.

“I fucking love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too.”

Slowly, but surely, my back started to tense up. The muscle that had been injured the worst during the bank explosion over a year ago was starting to act up again, which wasn’t unusual in these cases. For the most part, I was healed since then, to the point that I could participate in cases in the field without issue, and Hotch and I could have intense scenes with only minimal aches. But from time to time, I would feel it to the point that it felt like my back was screaming at me: “Please, do anything else but this!” So, I gave in. I listened to the way my body was angry at me, and I tried to shift around somewhat to calm down, but it wasn’t working.

“You okay?” Hotch asked after noticing how my pace had slowed.

I nodded slightly before cringing again. “My back…” I finally admitted. This was the worst fucking time for it to hurt. “I’m sorry, baby.”

He shook his head and sat up. “Don’t be.” He hugged me and stood, giving me time to wrap my legs around his waist. We moaned into each other’s mouths in response to the way he moved inside of me. He turned around and started carefully laying me on the bed with him still buried inside me.

“That’s a talent,” I mumbled against his lips. He chuckled. “I like being under you better, anyhow.”

Hotch leaned up to stop me from continuing my endless string of kisses. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

I nodded and bucked my hips up to encourage him. Hotch caught the hint, so he planted his feet on the ground and slowly started pulling his length out of me. When his tip was all I had inside of me, we kissed, then he thrust into me with a little more power. I moaned loudly. Hotch quickly put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. I pressed a kiss against his palm to let him know that I understood that I had to be quiet, but he didn’t release me because now he was on top, and my mild bratty attitude hadn’t gone unnoticed by him. He was in Dom space now. I could see it in his eyes. Melting in with the lust and love that filled his dark eyes was a red tint that screamed: “You’re mine.” And I loved it. I loved it and I let that tint put me in my place.

He snapped his hips back and forth again a few more times. With every thrust that passed, he increased his speed and power to the point that I was a moaning mess under his hand. Everything was so muffled, but he understood that I would’ve been screaming for him if I could. I loved him. I loved how he fit in me perfectly—that it didn’t matter that we had been together nearly six years because I was still so tight for him and only him. I was his. He was mine. We were us, and that was what mattered. Being back at home, reliving a few bad memories, talking about some people I would’ve rather forget about, none of that mattered while he was towering over me.

He leaned in close and let out a shuddered breath in my ear because he was close to moaning loudly, too. “I’m gonna cum,” he warned. I nodded against his hand, letting him know that I was close, too. “Fuck…” He started attacking my neck with his lips, leaving a mild hickey that hopefully wouldn’t start forming until we were gone. “Fuck, fuck, fuck—” There was his tell. “Y/N—” Before he could say anything else, my walls tightened around him as I tipped over the edge, encouraging him to cum, too. “Fuck!” he hissed against my skin.

“Sir,” I moaned against his hand. I bucked my hips to make sure both of us worked out our entire orgasms before slowing down and giving up. “Shit…” I slumped back, my body going limp.

He slowly pulled out of me and removed his hand from my mouth. “You okay?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Your back?”

“I’m okay, baby, I promise.” I patted his chest. “Happy birthday, my love.”

“Thank you.” He sat up by pushing his hands on my hips, then he let go of me so that he could pull his pants up. “I don’t think we can use a towel…” he joked.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Ha. Ha.”

“Where the fuck did you throw my shirt?” he questioned while spinning in a circle to try and spot it. I giggled and reached over my head to retrieve it from the floor. I threw it at his face. “Brat,” he hissed after catching it. I smirked.

Hotch held his hand out for me, and when I took it, he carefully helped me up, keeping his eye on me to make sure that I wouldn’t break. I was still a bit sore, but it was manageable. I figured that since he was right about the towel thing, I’d have to make my way to the bathroom down the hall, and I would just grab a Motrin or something there, too.

After Hotch slid his arms back through his dark dress shirt, he moved to start buttoning it up, but I beat him to it by shooing his hands away and grabbing ahold of the hem of his shirt. As I reached the top button, my pinkie passed over the purple mark I made on his neck that was getting more and more obvious as the seconds flew by. I blushed and looked away. Hotch chuckled and lifted my chin by trapping it between his thumb and his curled index finger. My gaze met his again.

“Are you shy, baby?”

I nodded. He grinned and gripped my jaw hard. I gulped before biting my lip and feeling the way my legs gave out somewhat.

“Why, though? Weren’t you the one to mark Sir?”

I whimpered. “Yes, Sir.”

He brought me close to his lips, then lingered for a second, as if he were daring me to act out by kissing him quickly, but I obeyed by waiting. Maybe five years ago I would have given in, but now… with my parents and the kids downstairs… There wasn’t really any time, and our priorities were different. So, I waited for him to kiss me first. He smirked at my compliance, then slowly leaned in to press his lips against mine, barely even touching me at all before he pulled away.

“We should head home,” he whispered.

I whimpered. “I hate you…”

He grabbed my jaw harder. “Go clean yourself up.” He kissed me again, this time a little more passionately, then he turned to walk out and start wrangling the kids downstairs.

I let out a shaky breath as the room fell silent again. That was certainly one way to celebrate…

Once I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, downed a pain killer, then got dressed, I headed downstairs to see Hotch holding a passed out Scarlet in his arms. She was resting her chin on his shoulder while sucking on her thumb—a habit I thought we kicked about six months ago. Jack, on the other hand, was sitting on the floor in the living room while playing with Red and some of his other favorite toys. As I passed him, I kissed the top of his head. I asked if he was ready to go yet, and he nodded. I could tell that he was getting tired, and I knew that by the time we had him and Scar loaded up in the car, the two of them would be dead asleep for the whole drive home.

“Alright,” I began wrapping up the conversation Hotch was having with my parents, “I think it’s time to get them home.” Hotch agreed shortly before my parents gave in. “Thank you, guys, for looking after them today.”

“They were perfect,” my dad said.

“We’d love to have them back soon,” my mom added.

Please, no, I thought to myself, even though I was smiling and conceding. Hotch stood with Scarlet in his arms, and I kissed her temple while petting her hair. It was a miracle she lasted this long. I honestly thought that she was either going to pass out before dessert, or that dessert was going to give her a sugar high that would keep her up for the rest of the night. However, I had not anticipated that she would eat dessert and still be exhausted. I guess we got lucky.

“Oh, wait, I almost forgot!” Mom jumped to her feet and ran to the kitchen to grab something. I prayed that it wasn’t leftovers. When she returned, she was holding a wrapped gift in her hands. “Ken and I got this for you, Aaron.” She held it out for him.

Since his hands were full, he couldn’t necessarily accept it, so I offered to take Scarlet from him carefully to make sure that she wouldn’t wake up. When his hands were free, he took the gift. I watched as he eyed me for a second before starting to unwrap it.

“You guys didn’t have to do this,” he insisted politely. My mom and dad shook their heads like it was no big deal. As the wrapping fell apart, he found a black leather box in his hands. He found the zipper on the side and pulled it open. Hotch chuckled to himself. “You guys seriously didn’t have to do this.”

I peeked over his shoulder to see what it was that they got for him. It was a fancy travel-size shaving kit. It had an electric shaver, with the charging chord, it had a handheld shaver in case there was no plug-in sight, it had a full tube of shaving cream, moisturizer, aftershave, and so on. It was completely unnecessary. Like, ostentatious for no fucking reason. I almost wanted to chuckle, but it would’ve been rude, so I bit my lip and held back the urge.

“We know what it’s like to have to travel all the time for your job, so we just wanted to make sure you had a way to make sure that beard of yours never grows back,” my dad joked.

I finally let out a chuckle. “I miss the beard.”

“I don’t,” Hotch said, smiling. “Thank you both,” he said to them while zipping up the kit. “It means a lot.”

“Can we go home now?” Jack questioned, slowly stumbling into the room, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

“Yeah, buddy. You wanna say goodnight to Grandma and Grandpa?”

Jack shuffled another few steps towards my parents, and he hugged their hips lightly. After they hugged him back, he meandered towards his dad who kneeled down to let Jack crawl onto his back to carry him the same way JJ liked to carry Henry. Jack slumped against Hotch. He flung his arms around his dad’s neck and trapped his legs around his waist. When he was steady, Hotch stood up straight.

“Seriously, thank you both for tonight. We had a lovely time,” Hotch said to my parents.

“We’ll call you guys in a couple of days to see if you want to do this again,” I offered. Scarlet started fussing in my arms. “Okay, okay, we’re going.” Hotch and I slowly started making our way to the front door. Dad skipped around us so that he could hold the door open for us since we were a little pre-occupied. “I love you,” I said while passing him and kissing his cheek. He kissed mine, too.

“Drive safe,” he begged.

“We will.”

Hotch headed down the front steps, then turned to make sure I could navigate them safely while not being able to see around Scarlet. When I made it down, we walked side by side to the car. Since Scarlet was certainly smaller than Jack, I was able to balance her in one arm long enough to open the backseat to put her down and buckle her in quietly, then run around to the other side to help Hotch get Jack in since he passed out on our way to the car, too. When they were settled, I chuckled. They were still so young and innocent. I almost envied their ability to fall asleep so quickly and in such uncomfortable positions.

Hotch sighed and snaked his arms around my waist. “I love you.”

I rested my head back on his shoulder. “I love you, too.” I slowly spun around. “Happy birthday, baby.”

He kissed me. “Probably my best birthday yet.”

“Suck up.”

“I try.” He kissed me again until we both melted and smiled against each other’s lips.

-----

criminal minds family: @peggy1999 @gorgeousdarkangel @alex--awesome--22 @oceaneblu @brithedemonspawn @absolutemarveltrash @bshelley322 @rousethemouse @sunshinepower17 @weexinling @pettttyyyc @Braty-angel @braxdix

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfic #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #aaron hotchner #Aaron Hotch Hotchner #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner smut

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andyinmiddleearth · 4 years

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Not to be cisphobic but like... you know what screw it, I hate cis people. And by that I don’t mean that I hate every single individual cis person that exists, I actually have several cis friends and family members that I am close to and love. I mean that I hate cis people as my oppressors, that I hate cis people as a class that oppresses gender-non-conforming, intersex, trans, and non-binary people. Here’s some examples of the systems of oppression cis people as a class have placed that still hurt us to this day:

I hate gender-reveals parties. I hate the fact that a baby’s interests, decorations, hell even their entire personality, is determined just by simply looking at the fetus’ outward genitalia. Not to mention how inaccurate it can be cause sex is a spectrum (meaning it’s much more than just genitalia, it includes hormones, chromosomes, etc, and these can be super diverse and I myself, an AFAB person, don’t naturally produce estrogen) which is why some intersex people don’t even know they’re intersex until they get checked out by a specialist in their late teens or twenties.

I hate cis people assuming pronouns, ESPECIALLY when it comes to people like me that are visibly queer. I hate going to a doctor’s office and having to listen to nurses and even doctors call me sis, girl, ma’am, lady, she, her, when over here I’m standing with a ‘men’s’ haircut and wearing entirely ‘men’s’ clothes. But as a whole, I just hate assuming people’s pronouns in general because gender is so much more than gender expression. Men can be feminine, women can be masculine, non-binary people can be as femme or masc as they want. Our bodies and our clothes don’t determine our gender. We do.

I also hate cis people not respecting pronouns on purpose, like that time at Einstein Bagels where I was wearing my he/him pin and the cashier kept repeatedly calling me ‘ma’am’ despite me wearing this 2.25 inch long button WITH MY PRONOUNS ON IT. I hate how I have family members that purposefully misgender me every single fucking day despite me being out as trans to them for YEARS because they just think ‘being transgender is a choice, like being vegan.’ I hate how one of these said family members does everything they fucking can to trigger my dysphoria and constant remind me that they see me as a woman.

I hate cissexism. I hate words like ‘lady parts’ and ‘boy parts’ and ‘girl parts.’ Boys and girls (and all genders) can have whatever private parts they have and still be their gender AND IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, and frankly very creepy to want to know what’s in someone’s pants. I hate how instead of using terms like afab or amab it’s just ‘male parts’ and ‘female parts,’ ‘male body,’ ‘female body,’ which also blatantly erases intersex people that may have both, or something else entirely different.

I hate how cis people have made this concept about the ‘the perfect trans person’ that people in the trans community (yes, I’m talking about transmeds) will shit on our non-binary and non-dysphoric trans siblings because ‘they make us look like a joke.’ Spoiler alert, cis people as a class hate trans people because they’re transphobic, period, not because some random non-binary sixteen year old uses ze/hir pronouns and is non-dysphoric. I hate how I was harassed on this platform FOR YEARS and sent hate on and off anon by transmeds simply because I, a dysphoric trans guy, think you don’t need dysphoria to be trans. Because I think being trans is so much more about being uncomfortable in your body, because I think you can have gender euphoria and not gender dysphoria. And I hate how the transmeds that bullied me also called me all kinds of slurs (both referring to my ethnicity as a Latino and also just homophobic ones like the f-slur) and perpetuated exactly the behavior they see white cishet men perform because they think that way maybe they will accept them. Spoiler alert; they won’t.

I hate how intersex babies are mutilated every day around the world simply because of how they are born while trans children and young adults are still being denied access to LIFE-SAVING resources like hormone blockers, HRT, surgery, etc. I hate how long the waitlists are for trans people in places like the UK and Canada are to transition, and I hate how monetarily expensive it can be even with insurance in the USA, since this is the main reason why I can’t start T right now (that and the fact that I live with family members that wouldn’t support me transitioning).

I hate how anything can be a ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ thing. Things as simple as drinks for fuck’s sake. Why is a beer a ‘man’s drink’ and a fruity cocktail a ‘lady’s drink?’ Same goes for everything... clothing, movies, certain games, even basic chores like cooking and cleaning. Hell, even interests can be a ‘girl or boy’ thing. One time I was reading a thick book and this cis man (he knew I’m AFAB cause my parents misgendered me to him obviously) went ‘oh yeah us guys don’t read that much.’ EXCUSE ME SIR BUT I AM A GUY, AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU!

I hate how when a trans person comes out as a child they are ‘too young to know,’ and when a trans person comes out as a teen they are ‘just going through a phase/copying trends,’ and when a trans person comes out as an adult then ‘they can’t really be trans because they never shoWeD thE siGns.’ There’s no age to realize you’re trans, everyone accepts their identity at different rates and that’s valid. And there’s no age to transition either.

I hate how when you come out as trans cis people magically expect you to suddenly not look trans anymore. How they expect trans men after coming out to have perfectly flat chests and no curves, how they expect trans women to suddenly grow boobs and look feminine af, and how they expect non-binary people to look as androgynous as possible. All kinds of bodies are trans, and you don’t need to medically transition to be trans. Some trans folks don’t have surgery or HRT or anything at all for whatever reason, and they’re still valid.

I hate how some cis people will misgender us trans people no matter how well we pass the minute they find out we’re trans. A trans man can have a flat chest, a full grown beard and a deep voice and the minute someone finds out he’s trans he’s suddenly ‘really a woman.’ I hate how this misgendering of trans people is one of the reasons why so many of us (41%) have attempted suicide, myself included. And I hate how badly cis people deteriorate our mental health just by refusing to use our pronouns and real name instead of our deadnames.

I hate all of these things, and there are so many more... but yeah, that’s what I mean when I say I hate cis people. I don’t hate cis people individually, I hate cis people because as a class they are complicit in my oppression and the way they keep upholding society contributes to our extremely high rates of mental illness, depression, and suicide. I’ve tried to kill myself too many times to count exactly because of all of these things. So yeah, call me a cisphobe if you want. I’m just a trans person that’s fed up with the transphobia, cisnormativity and cissexism that is shoved down my throat every day.

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shuuenmei · 4 years

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gap in between

BEFORE WE BEGIN:

I actually should write Chapter 7 for “black or white” but unfortunately, real life kicked my ass so I decided to write this instead in between me finishing Thesis.

Just like “resolution”, this contains snippets of things to come to the main fic and will be put under the cut.

For added reference, this involves a portion to how Octavinelle will turn out in “black or white”.

I’ve also made a tag specifically for future snippets of what will come for proper organizing of the blog and will cover either talks of potential future events to my stories in general or art and/or writing pieces.

Without further ado, here we go!

“Unfortunately, I disagree with your terms.”

Azul Ashengrotto looked up, neutrally looking at the ashen brown haired student in front of him.

Unofficially the prefect of Ramshackle and formerly part of a 2-in-1 student pair with Grim-san... had it not been for the fact that she was under the tutelage of Lilia Vanrouge to utilize the Mana of the world to defend herself, now making her a magician in her own right.

Yes, "She”.

Suspicion rose when Jade, whom he requested to search for what little information he can get of the enigmatic student before today, informed him of how the Ramshackle prefect had always changed in the “Q” changing room and go to the “Q” toilets, and it’s only after the Inter-school Magift competition that the student publicize the fact that she identify as a Genderqueer student with She/Her and They/Them pronouns.

Clearly, he has much to learn about the way of how things go in Land.

The student gazed straight at him in the eye. Her gaze unrelenting as she continued. Beside her, the white cat, a familiar who is infamous among the seniors for being far too difficult to cooperate with during Animal Language classes that somehow was able to warm up to her so quickly, bared his fangs at him. (Animal languages serve as networking for familiars and you usually obtain a familiar while you’re in your second year in Night Raven College.)

All the while Grim-san stare at her with wide eyes, almost as if in disbelief.

“Grim may have been a student and I’m for all purposes, the Prefect, but we’re not the only ones who lived in that dorm.”

Ah.

Jade once informed him that she had an unusually very close relationship to the ghosts who worked in the cafeteria and live in that dorm to a point of knowing and always referring to them by their names back when they were still alive, and the talking paintings at the academy are very fond of her and always ready to chat if they see her passing by on the way to classes.

And there’s that one time that she caused an uproar for announcing that Riddle-san is being haunted and was able to see the ghost haunting after him just fine.

He neglected to make use of it in his belief that such information is far too trivial to use against her.

The ghosts are far too fond of her and likely would have retaliated to aid her.

No matter, he still had something up in his sleeves.

“You’re quite good friends with one of our juniors... Lyle Martin-san, was it?”

The unflinching demeanor that she had kept up momentarily broke as he continued. “I was aware that you, Lyle-san, Kasper Latifi-san and Mel Ansell-san are all members of the Light Music Club and I happen to pass by during your club activities once...”

And now for the hook.

“I happen to hear Lyle-san singing that time and I must say, I’m quite impressed. He has quite a talent of how versatile his vocal range was, to a point I wish I could have his voice myself. Such a shame if he were to-”

“Lyle has nothing to do with this.”

At that moment, he felt a chill on his back at her words.

She didn’t break eye contact with him, her eyes turn cold but he could feel the fury building up in those eyes... and yet.

Those eyes and rage had an almost murderous glint.

As if she will promise pain if he dares to lay a hair on her or those she cares about.

After a few seconds, she took the pen lying on the table.

“...I’ll agree to your contract of taking Ramshackle as a collateral.” She started, still having that cold, chilling glare.

Jack-san, who had been accompanying her, stare at her, eyes wide with surprise.

“But let me make this clear,” She clarified. “I’m not agreeing to this contract for Grim, even if the original condition of freeing all the students under your contract still stands.”

As she starts writing, she finished. “I’m only agreeing so you would leave Lyle alone.”

Ah, so that’s what makes her tic, he mused to himself.

Hook, line, sinker.

“It’s A Deal!”

________________________________________________________________

Yuu stared back at the closed door once Jade and Floyd left.

Bringing her belongings in a rune infused cube to keep as many things that she can bring out and place them in her bag.

She’ll have to ask the librarian if there’s a spare room to use for night owls. She’s sure that they would understand.

Louie, Sans, James, Ben and Rudy were understanding, if a little sad because she now has nowhere to go for the time being.

Lando decided to keep her company as additional protection together with Shiro.

(Yes, it’s such a simple name for him but simple is best. Sometimes.)

As the cold winter wind blows, Grim shivered.

“Ugh... do we gotta sleep out in the cold now... this sucks...”

At that moment, she snapped.

She was already frustrated and annoyed at the monster for signing up into something without her knowing.

And he had the gall to throw the whole dorm, her and the ghosts staying here included, under the bus for the sake of his freedom.

Now he’s complaining about the terms he agreed to without thought just to be free from manual labor?

She’s had it with his shit!

“WHOSE FAULT DO YOU THINK IT IS FOR AGREEING TO HAVE THIS DORM AS THE PAYMENT JUST SO YOU CAN BE FREE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?”

Grim jumped from his place the moment he heard her shout loud.

She felt the weight of Shiro, who had rested in her shoulders earlier, off. He must have jumped down.

“You always, always, agree or do something just for your own sake and you never even think about the consequences! Wasting so much of the money I managed to save just so you can get your favorite Tuna, causing fights left and right because somebody just breathed the wrong way at you, skipping on classes you hate, angering the wrong person and getting into more fights... And do you know who had to clean up for your messes!? Me, I HAVE to clean up after your mess!”

Without pausing for a breath, she shouted, vented out the many grievances she had of this monster.

“I have to save you from this contract you got yourself into just because you couldn’t be bothered to study or even join the study group I had with Lyle, Kasper and Mel when you could have, and now you had the gall to complain of getting kicked out, when you agreed to throw the rest of us living in this dorm under the bus in the first place!?”

“IT’S NOT LIKE I SIGNED IT BECAUSE I WANT TO!”

Grim retorted, voice just as loud as he shouted back.

“IT’S BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO PLAY PRETEND ON BEING A MAGICIAN INSTEAD OF STAYING AS MY LACKEY THAT THE TEACHERS SAID THAT THEY’RE GOING TO KICK ME OUT OF THIS SCHOOL!”

Play pretend.

Play pretend-

She paused, catching her breath, despite the words Grim said to her regarding her runes and form of magic echoing her mind.

Kicked out?

She knew Grim is on the verge of getting expelled if he keeps failing classes again but Crewel-sensei told her that his failed grades are his own responsibility and she should focus on her own classes.

Did she miss something?

“EVER SINCE YOU SHOWED OFF WHAT YOU DID, THE TEACHERS START TO TALK MORE ABOUT HOW GOOD YOU ARE AND HOW I SHOULD TAKE AFTER YOU INSTEAD OF PRAISING THE GREAT GRIM! AND THEN THEY PLAN TO DROP THE TWO IN ONE STUDENT DEAL SO YOU GET TO STAY HERE WHILE I GET KICKED OUT! IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT, I WOULDN’T HAVE SIGNED THAT SHODDY DEAL WITH AZUL!”

...So that’s it.

So that was why the teachers had been telling her to not worry too much about Grim and his studies.

But.

Rationality came into her mind, what little empathy she could have with Grim diminishing.

She had to wonder how Grim was able to listen in on such a private staff meeting.

Did he happen to pass by there?

Or...

Ugh.

There are too many possibilities to how that could’ve happened.

Whatever it is, there’s no denying what he had said.

For what he referred to her runes and Formalcraft can’t be forgotten and it still echoed in the back of her mind as she tried to rationalize his actions.

Play pretend-

He is implying that she is merely bluffing her way for her survival-

“I get it, you accepted the contract with Azul to prove that I should’ve stayed weak, defenseless and helpless and so that you can satisfy your own damn to broken pride.”

Once the words escaped her lips, Grim’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Fnah!? No that’s not-”

“I don’t care.”

Grim stomped on how hard she practiced and learned from Lilia-san by claiming that she should’ve stayed not learning this world’s brand of Formal craft at all.

Even when he knew that she started to learn under Lilia’s tutelage for her own survival in this strange world she found herself in.

The fact that Grim called her method of magic as “Play Pretend” means that he takes his own pride a priority over all else and would willingly stomp on her for it.

She thought he already understood her reasons when she first showed what she learned from Lilia during the Savanaclaw fiasco but what is she expecting back then, when she told the Heartslabyul seniors and her friends about this?

That they’d understand her?

“I give up. I tried to give you a chance because I don’t believe that you’re a lost cause despite our horrible first impressions but it seems I’m mistaken.”

She turned her back to Grim, her hand beckoned for Shiro and Lando, who had been quiet throughout the argument, to follow after her.

And she stomped away, quietly seething in her fury on Grim.

“Hey.”

She was snapped out of her quiet rage when she heard someone call for her.

She lifted her head to see Jack, Ace and Deuce in front of the gates.

“You guys...” She hears Grim behind her.

He must have followed after her.

“You two... don’t look okay.” Jack pointed out. Sensing the gloomy atmosphere between them.

She refuse to stare back at Grim at all, her patience and tolerance of the cat monster running thin after the argument they had.

“...Well.” Ace walked towards her right. “How about we take Grim with us to Heartslabyul while you go with Jack?”

Deuce gasp out in shock at Ace’s suggestion. “Ace! Don’t you remember what happened when Yuu was forced to stay there so they can keep her quiet about the full scheme of what they really plan to do for the Magift tournament last month!?”

“Yeah but,” Ace pointed at her. “Clearly, Yuu would rather not be in the same room as Grim at the moment with their fight earlier.”

...Oh.

Their argument had been that loud.

“That’s... that’s true but...” Deuce trailed, looking nervous and gave her a worried glance.

Ace then added. “Besides, she got Jack, Shiro and Lando. If anything, she’s the one who’ll do all the ass kicking if anybody in Savanaclaw try to attempt something funny to her.”

Jack nodded in agreement at Ace’s words, assuring Deuce. “I’ll take care of her.”

She looked up at the tall wolf boy wondering. “Are you sure your dorm got space for us?”

“Positive.” He affirmed. “I promised to have your back earlier but I couldn’t do anything...”

He trailed off. Concluding. “Plus, Leona-san and the other seniors still owe you for what happened during the Magift tournament last month. I don’t think they’ll refuse you.”

...She supposed she couldn’t argue about that.

On the event that the librarian is unavailable, she’d have to call Kalim-senpai and Lilia-san as a last resort.

...If they are still awake at this hour, that is.

Grim can stay the hell away from her right now.

“...Alright. I’ll stay with you.” She spoke, agreeing.

“Alright, with that settled, we’re gonna go ahead and bring Grim with us, hopefully Ryocho would understand when we explain to him later...”

Ace and Deuce both shuddered, dreading the punishment they may get once they return back to Heartslabyul with Grim on tow.

“Right, let’s go. It’s almost midnight...” Jack yawned and the group went their way.

Yes, a fight happened between Yuu (Rei) and Grim.

Yuu (Rei) is officially recognized as a magician by a technicality with her method of magic and because she showed more dedication to learning than Grim whom, despite having magic, showed little to no effort to properly apply what he learned and skipped on classes he doesn’t like.

This caused the teachers to start scrutinizing Grim for his lack of effort and mention how far ahead Yuu (Rei) was, and consider her to show far more potential.

And thus, this led to the conversation that Grim overheard about dropping the 2-in-1 student deal between Grim and Yuu (Rei) in favor of letting Yuu (Rei) shine more and not get held back because of Grim’s own incompetency.

Grim’s fear of being left all by himself, in addition to his feeling of inadequacy to Yuu (Rei), led to Grim accepting the contract with Azul. So he won’t get left behind and to show that he has promise.

Admittedly, while he maybe strongly motivated by his fear of being left all alone, his ego and sense of entitlement that Yuu (Rei) should have stayed a lackey who depended on him for her lack of magic instead of finding her own way of defending herself hurt him and his ego big time. Grim see’s it as Yuu (Rei) not trusting him enough while also growing to have an insecurity of having to acknowledge that Yuu (Rei) is far more capable than he is.

This fight is a setup for what I had in mind for a very long time in regards to how Yuu (Rei) and Grim’s relationship will turn out by the end.

They may have been stuck together because one doesn’t want to be alone and had a goal to accomplish, while the other is stranded in a whole strange place with nowhere to go back to, ultimately, both Yuu (Rei) and Grim are individuals with their own goals and life separate from each other.

As for the white cat that Yuu (Rei) called Shiro, yes, she officially has her own personal familiar outside of Grim.

This little addition, and the fight Yuu (Rei) and Grim had here also serve as a conduit that despite sharing the role of the canon MC, Yuu (Rei) is ultimately her own individual with a life and goal separate from him.

And to be a little frank, this is also based on a theory that the canon MC and Grim are possibly based on the Grimm brothers.

But with how I developed Yuu (Rei) as a character, I doubt she can stay for Grim on a longer term.

In a sense, Yuu (Rei) may have shared the same role as the canon MC, but she is ultimately so far different from the canon MC that she might as well be her own person.

She is NOT the “Jacob Grimm” to Grim’s “Wilhelm Grimm”.

One day, both Yuu (Rei) and Grim had to grow and be their own person outside of being a pair together.

And so that’s most of the reason I had for the fight Yuu (Rei) and Grim had in Octavinelle.

See you next time!

#Shuu's fics #black or white (fanfic)#Shiina Yuu (black or white)#Yuu (Rei)#twst grim #azul ashengrotto #ace trappola #deuce spade #jack howl #Of things to come #Twisted Wonderland

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violasmirabiles · 4 years

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got tagged by @panwriter, thank you xx

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise? ali. pronounce it however you like i dont really care lol

2. when is your birthday? march 26. so just a few weeks from now. oh boy

3. where do you live? joensuu, finland babey

4. three things you are doing right now? pretending im reading the essays i shouldve read for methodology class weeks ago, making a list of things i need to get from the university library (and where those books are exactly - i dont actually go to the uni library very often at all but for some reason rather many of the books i need arent available as ebooks), trying to drink the second bucket of coffee of the day without spilling it everywhere

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest? re-animator; stephen king multiverse (was gonna just say the shining and doctor sleep but we all know its more than that); saw franchise; the godfather. though with sk and godfather im basically just playing in my own little isolated sandbox and im more than fine with that thank you

6. how has the pandemic been treating you? ah well. its been treating me. got my ba degree and generally have been able to study more so thats good. spent five months with my family in tampere last year and itd probably be good for me to go there again but as it is im stuck in my apartment because of doctors appointments. like thats the only reason i cant just Go. also i recently realized i havent seen my grandma in over a year and cried about that. choir stuff is obviously all fucky and uncertain. also having time to think about things and stuff means ive been figuring out gender stuff so thats been.....interesting....and energy consuming.....and crisis inducing

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? täällä on joku by absoluuttinen nollapiste, its finnish weirdness hours in my head 247

8. recommend a movie. i mean, yeah, re-animator

9. how old are you? 25. 26 in a few weeks

10. school, university, occupation, other? university of eastern finland, babey! english language and culture major, literature minor. did my ba thesis on the shining. the novel, fuck the kubrick film, and wouldnt have been allowed to do my thesis about a film anyway. so right now im a masters student and will start working on my ma thesis next year, trying to get as many classes out of the way before that as possible. dont know what im gonna be once i graduate and id really rather not think about that but i do like studying in spite of everything

11. do you prefer heat or cold? heat. but, like... thats relative, isnt it? what i consider warm is Definitely Not warm to someone who lives in, like, texas. and i Tolerate cold and, christ i dont know. my favorite season is spring.

12. name one fact others may not know about you. once came second in a school skiing competition! i was ten. we didnt get medals, we got like pins/brooches and i still have my silver brooch somewhere

13. are you shy? sometimes. often. im anxious

14. pronouns? they/them. like i said ive been trying to figure out gender stuff and the only thing im Very sure of is that i am Not Cis, and im scared, and i get easily defensive about it all, and i have a lot of internalized issues i need to work on. gendered pronouns are like my number one personal enemy, i need the sort of....neutrality, ambiguity, yknow. finnish does not Have gendered pronouns, we have hän for he/she/they/every neopronoun - and we dont even fucking use that one, everyones just se (it) and thats all fine and dandy when you dont want to Think about your Gender every time someone refers to you and im rambling because i am once again getting defensive for no reason sdfdsfs yeah theres still a lot to unload here i swear were getting there

15. biggest pet peeves? on a bad day? everything. but to give an actual answer, people not realizing their experiences are not universal and that their actions can and will have an effect on others

16. what is your favorite “-dere” type? glad to say im temporarily illiterate so i dont know what this says

17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be im afraid i cant do that luv i dont want to have a breakdown

18. what’s your main blog? this one babey

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for. i have @ihmekukkavesi for my photography and @shineondoc for university hell and occasional doctor sleep/the shining yelling. im not gonna call it my studyblr cos it....its really not....its not. im not a good student. im not organized, i dont feel like im Doing This right. im definitely not exemplary. everything becomes a crisis and i need to let it out somewhere and thats what shineondoc is for.

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friend? oh boy. uh. im not good at keeping a conversation going. yet at the same time i cannot fucking shut up if were talking about something im excited about. i dont know how Real this is but i feel like i might come across as like...arrogant or something but i swear im just scared and trying to keep myself from Rambling(tm) and. well. trying to sound like a normal fucking person.

tagging @nowendil @appelssiini @librarytraveller @sailonacrossthesea @stokoetopia @kirsikkaprinsessa and anyone whos bored and wants to do this

#got tagged #once again. no pressure if you dont feel like doing this

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Honeybee (Utica/Rosé) - Paper Lash

A/N: Hello everyone, it’s so great to get back to writing! This is my submission for the ‘Nostalgia’ challenge! Inspired by “Honeybee”, a song by the band Steam Powered Giraffe!

Just as a reference- Ross is Rosé’s boy name, and the pronouns are she/her in drag, he/him out of it! While Utica/Ethan will use they/them pronouns through the story! This one shot will most likely be paired with a prequel writing as well! Stay safe everyone!- Paper Lash

Ethan woke slowly at the sound of their alarm as it rang through the quiet room. This late in the winter, the sun had just begun to rise at this early hour- and Ethan, well, had just fallen asleep a handful of hours before, physical exhaustion pulling them away from the large in progress painting- propped close by an easel beside the window in their room. It took up the majority of the wall, allowing the small-town student the perfect view, and reference to the buildings of the big city. It was their third year, fall semester in New York- and they still weren’t used to the sights and sounds the city offered- but there was one major change they happened to love. They had met Ross within the first week of classes last semester- spurred on by their close friend, Mikey- or ‘Mik’ for short- to join a beginners dance group held by a few students in their department. As a painter, Ethan had only really met other ‘physical’ artists, graphic designers, 2D artists or even makeup artists- like Mikey himself. The students of the performing arts, confident and outspoken people, were the type they usually kept away from. Ross, along with his two best friends, lead the class- and from there, the two seemed to click together. The pair were the epitome of ‘opposites attract’.

As they stretched, and rose from their bed to get dressed- they reached for their phone, scrolling through their spotify- selecting an old playlist from high school, filled with hours of old, gentle music that would calm them through the anxieties of high school. They felt a bit off this morning, most likely from the lack of sleep, so they could use all the help they could get. Sweet, slow plucks from the guitar suddenly filled their room, a vocal hum trailing behind, when suddenly- words spilled into their ears-

“You didn’t have to look my way… Your eyes still haunt me, to this day- but you did… Yes, you did-”

The tall student’s pale face suddenly flushed, those old, sweet lyrics could make their brain think of no one else- but Ross. Those deep-set hazel eyes that only appeared wider with the occasional pink shadow. Ethan hated to admit it, but they were a bit jealous of Ross- or, Rosé- how beautiful and handsome she could look at the same time… Ethan couldn’t think they’d ever look as beautiful as Ross or Rosé- not in a million years…

“You didn’t have to say my name… ignite my circuits, start a flame- but you did…” Either name- Ethan or Utica, the little nickname Ross and his friends had begun to call them- however Ross would address them, would always sound like a song in the tall redhead’s ears. That warm, baritone voice would hug those syllables as they would slip from his lips- rushed and snappy, or slow… calm- pulling Utica out of the trace of their brain, back to the real world- it always made them so nervous, but, they couldn’t hear it enough- Quickly, they tapped at their phone, placing the song on repeat as they quickly got dressed, grabbed their things- and headed out the door to catch the early morning bus across campus. “You didn’t have to smile at me- your grins the sweetest that I’ve ever seen… but you did. Yes, you did…-”

Oh that smile, they could look at that smile all day… Ross’ lips were as animated as the rest of him- smiling like the sun, spilling beautiful notes from between them… setting Utica’s nerves on fire with a mere smirk- “You didn’t have to offer your hand- cause since I’ve kissed it, I’m at your command… but you did…-” “Oh! Turpentine erase me whole- cause I- don’t want to live my life alone!- well, I- been waiting for you all my life…

Set me free… my… Ho-ney bee…” Any stranger could see the cherry red flush of the young student’s face- here they sat, alone on the bus, bundled to hide from the city’s morning chill… glancing out the window, yearning for the person they’d see in mere minutes. Ethan would meet Ross and his friends for breakfast- the only time of the day they could just sit and relax before the chaos of their shared day.

“Hello Goodbye, Twas nice to know you, How I find myself without you- That I’ll never know…-”

Like magic, those dreamy song lyrics seemed to quicken just as the redhead stepped off from the bus, walking into the main campus building- now practically running to the tune of the music- long legs in stride, filled with a sudden anticipation- The words continued, their wide eyes looking through the café- “Hello goodbye I’m rather crazy, and I never thought I was crazy- but! What! Do I know?… I let myself go…-”

“Why’d I have to be into a short brunette?” Utica mumbled to themself, a giggle in their voice. They weren’t sure at all why they suddenly felt so… anxious, a rumbling in their ‘nuggets’ they couldn’t quite place- couldn’t get rid of- until their eyes met the sight of Ross, seated at a table, chatting along with two other brunettes, his closest friends- whom Utica knew as ‘Jan’ and ‘Lagoona’… Quickly, they seemed to rush over- just as they lyrics seemed to abruptly end- Breathless- they stood in front of the trio with a wide, cherry-lipped smile, carefully pulling their earbuds from their ears, tucking them away as they took the seat right beside Ross. He stared at them with a puzzled look on his face, staring into Ethan’s green, babydoll eyes. A chuckle slipped from his lips- potential words brought to a halt as Ethan tugged him close, placing a long, lingering kiss to his lips- staining them the same, rose petal red. Carefully, they pulled away- cupping the side of his face as they continued to stare, that same, blissful smile adorning their face as it had before- “Good morning- Honeybee-” Their accented voice cooed, suddenly bringing a bright flush to Ross’ face. His two friends began to chuckle at his flustered appearance, bringing a wider smile to Utica’s face as they seemed to relax, facing forward once more- resting their head atop Ross’ shoulder. He cussed toward his friends, brushing off their teasing laughs. “A-anyway- as I was saying, you assholes better bring it next practice- or I swear…” Ross’ words seemed to cut out in Ethan’s mind as they relaxed against him, hugging his arm close- simply enjoying the warm presence he gave… he was the one thing, with the help of their friends, that made Utica feel at home in this loud city- their Honeybee.

#rpdr fanfiction #s13 #utica queen #rosé #rosé x utica #college au #queen au #nonbinary!utica #fic challenge #nostalgia challenge #honeybee #paper lash #concrit welcome

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skollwolf · 3 years

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I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure, I suppose I'm willing to take this one in good faith and answer it. It is a bit abrupt to lead with this sort of question, and obviously in real life I would hope you know enough to like....say hi to a trans person and establish a dialog rather than jumping right into something like this, but I'm willing to go from 0 to "how did you figure out you were trans" without a warm up.

Actual answer under the cut, so people who don't feel like reading can skip it.

For me it started with both physical and social dysphoria, though it doesn't for all trans people; dysphoria's not actually a requirement for being trans, I'm not a trans med, but it was key for me particularly.

Not to go into too much detail, because the specifics of dysphoria are fairly personal, but there have always been aspects of my body that I've disliked or been actively uncomfortable with. Around my mid teens, it started occurring to me that all the things about my body I disliked were also the things that contributed to other people reading me as female when they pass me on the street. I'm not just talking, like, secondary sex characteristics here, I also mean things like my height or the width of my shoulders.

Equally, I'd never been comfortable with certain overtly gendered terms. For instance I hated being called a "lady", or being called miss. Growing up, I thought this discomfort was because of the old-fashioned connotations of the words, and the gender roles associated with them, which I did not want to perform.

So, okay, I didn't like being read as "female" or "a woman" by strangers. I got that far, and then was stuck at that point for a couple of years, unsure if that was because of internalized misogyny, or the Acute Discomfort of Being Perceived at all, or what.

I'm old enough that I knew next to nothing about being trans growing up, because that information just wasn't available then like it is now. There was exactly one trans girl I knew through school, who I didn't particularly like due to a personality clash and so spoke to...maybe three times ever, despite the fact that we were in the same LGBT+ club. Other than her, I never met another trans person growing up, and absolutely everything I ever heard about being trans came from transphobic jokes or stereotypes. To go from "I don't like being perceived as a woman, and I don't feel right with some parts of my body that cause me to be perceived that way" to "I'm trans" was a mental leap I would have been literally incapable of making.

But then I got a little older. A speaker came to my high school health class in 12th grade and talked, amongst other things, about transgender and nonbinary identities. I was so fascinated by the concept of being nonbinary that I wrote like...30+ pages of a story with a nonbinary main character for NaNo that year. It was supposed to be a scifi romance, except then I started writing about the main character's experience of growing up nonbinary, and navigating presenting as male and female at differing times, and how they navigated the world a little differently based on the gender they were presenting as at any given point...and 30+ pages later, I'd written nothing about my planned plot. But that had nothing to do with me personally, right? I was just interested in writing a character! I write lots of characters!! Nothing at all to do with me hahaha I told myself, aged 17, and then wrote more backstory for this character.

Then I went to college, and my first year college roommate made me make a tumblr. As I poked around on here, I encountered the blogs of other folks who were trans, and nonbinary. Though I couldn't at this point (most of a decade later) tell you exactly whose discussions of their dysphoria or their experiences of being trans resonated with me, what I can say is that bells started ringing. I read stories written by trans people, read resources intended for people questioning their gender identity, and then realized. Huh. A lot of this does sound like me, actually.

I told my best friend hey I don't know if this is something I'm going to stick with, but I want to try out some other pronouns. So she started calling me “they” and “he” when I asked her to, and I realized that that felt a million times better than being called "she" ever did. I told my best friend hey haha again not sure if this is permanent but...help me pick out a more masculine name? And being called my new name alleviated a feeling of pressure I didn't even realize I felt whenever someone used my (very feminine sounding) deadname. I said to my followers on tumblr, back in my very active fandom days when I chatted with folks a lot on here, hey I'm using this name and these pronouns now, trying some stuff out, and being referred to by the terms and name I'd chosen felt so good that I finally bit the bullet and admitted to myself that this was, in fact, permanent, and that I was, in fact, nonbinary and trans.

And that's the long and short of it, for me. But, uh, it might vary deeply from trans person to trans person, so I don't know if that gives you whatever you were looking for, anon.

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bi-dazai · 4 years

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honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

#tw d slur #tw f slur #tw homophobia #personal #i didnt hear much transphobia in my grade until towards the end of highschool #because nobody back then rly knew what a trans person was #also #long post #like REALLY long #t slur

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