#been thinking about how ive been trying to push myself to just talk about anything im enjoying with friends

[mentally-spiraling]

wanting to be involved in your friend group as well as sharing your interest and anything about yourself

but you keep stopping bc all you can think is "who cares" and start getting so anxious about saying anything when it comes to your interests that they no longer feel like actual interest and you slowly loose enjoyment from them bc it somehow feels fake

like you know you're only gonna be about something for a month or 2 and now you don't get too invested into anything, especially not anything you're willing to gush about :\

[girlcrushau]

[cherrygarden]

,

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Fall For Me (Poly! Sleep Token x Fem! Reader) - Part VII

*inhales aggressively* VESSEL CHAPTER!!!!!! FINALLY!!!! Reader has a talk with the boys about what exactly happened with the night's kissing incident, after so much time of him being a bit distant towards reader Vessel decides to let his softer side show, plus more moments with III because I'm in love with him and I can't help myself sorry not sorry hehe I can't wait to know what you all think of this chapter thank you all so much for all the wonderful comments. If you would like to be added to the tag list please let me know!!

WARNINGS: discussion of boundaries, proposals of a polyamorous relationship (I tried my best to make it realistic but I, myself, am not polyamorous), fluffy stuff per usual. NOT PROOFREAD

My Masterlist! ~ AO3 Link!

Part VI - Part VIII

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The sight before you almost made you want to laugh. The four grown men that sat in various seats around your living room almost resembled a group of school kids waiting anxiously outside the principal's office. “I’m sorry.” III was the first of them to speak up.

“No, if anything I should be the one apologizing.” II quickly follows, both of them unable to even look in your direction.

“I’m not upset at either of you, I’m just… confused.” You respond softly.

“It started off as simple crushes; me, IV, III, Ves.” You noticed Vessel’s shoulder tense as he was dragged into this conversation as well. “We all think you’re beautiful-”

“And very sweet.” III adds on. You can’t help the subtle smile that finds its way to your lips at their compliments.

“We could tell things had gotten a little more serious between you and III so we all decided to back off. But, I can’t lie to you,” II chuckled, “I’m a very jealous man. So when someone tries to keep me from what I want I don’t typically respond the best.”

“And I don’t feel right asking you to commit solely to me when you clearly have feelings for II, as well.” III adds his piece. You found it odd, there was no anger in his voice at the thought of you with his friend. “I guess what we’re trying to say is, um…” he trails off, looking to II as he searches for the right words to say.

“How would you feel about dating all of us?” Vessel breaks the thick tension with his blunt question. You felt like all of the air had been punched from your lungs, your heart jumping into your throat as your head snapped in his direction.

“Vessel, you can’t phrase it like that!” IV groans from his spot on your couch, dropping his head into his hand.

“What? She's a big girl, you don't need to beat around the bush.”

“Dating… dating all of you?” You finally mutter after a few moments of shocked silence.

“Obviously only if you're comfortable with that.” III stands from his seat, slowly stepping closer to you. “You don't have to say yes to any of this. It doesn't matter if you want to date only me, or if you would be okay dating all of us. Hell, after dropping this on you, there's a chance you might not want to see any of us ever again.” You didn't miss the nervousness that laced its way into his laughter. III was genuinely scared that this was going to fully push you away. “But, it's about what you want, that's the important part.”

“And you're all okay with this?” You would be lying if you tried to say you didn't find the offer very appealing. Every member of the group that sat before you drew you to them in one way or another, they were definitely an attractive bunch to put it lightly; III with his subtle intensity, who was always making you laugh, II who would turn you into a flustered mess with his sweet words, IV who’s easily excitable nature and blind confidence when it came to complimenting you made your heart thrum in your chest, Vessel who lets his hand linger on your waist as he maneuvers around you doing restock days, who holds your gaze for perhaps a little longer than necessary when wishing you goodbye at night. But, could you really handle four relationships? 

“The way we see it, we’d rather share you with others who we know are going to take good care of you than to be forced to hold our tongues about how we feel about you.” II explains.

“I…” you trail off as you look between the four of them. “I need some time to think.” Your voice shook slightly as you spoke.

“Of course.” Vessel responds. Without another word II, III, and IV stood, quietly said their goodbyes to you and left your apartment. Vessel hung back for a moment, waiting for III to fully shut the door behind him before breathing out a sigh. “I'm sorry that all of this happened the way it did. I kept telling them to wait to bring it up.” His gaze drops to you, who was silently fidgeting with your fingers as you leaned against the wall.

“I can always tell them to back off, love.”

“No, you don't have to do that.” You brush him off. “It's nothing to do with any of you, you're all incredible. It's just- it's me, that's what the problem is.” You tried to force a laugh to prove to Vessel that you were fine, his unchanging expression let you know immediately that he saw right through you. “You're all so wonderful, and the fact that you would be willing to make such a huge compromise.” You stare through the slits of his mask, believing you were meeting his eyes. “What if it's not worth it?”

You didn't have time to register what was happening before Vessel was in front of you, pulling you into a warm embrace.

“I know I might not be as… prominent with my acts of affection as the others.” He pulls back slightly, one large hand coming up to cradle the back of your head as your eyes instinctively rise to look at him. “But, considering II put things out in the open, I need you to know that I care for you viscerally.” The soft growl that found its way into his voice made your cheeks grow warm. “I don't want you to feel pressured into anything you don't want, but I need you to understand that there has not been a single moment since I met you that would make me think any of this wasn't worth it.” You blink slowly as a hand comes to rest on the top of your head, comfortingly patting the spot. “Would it be alright if I came and checked in tomorrow?” You nod, reluctantly letting your hands fall away from their position pressed against his chest as he stepped back, his warmth fading away with it.

“Goodnight, Ves.” Your voice cracked slightly as you tried to keep your overwhelming emotions in check.

“Goodnight love, rest well.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You watched the second hand on the clock tick, bringing you closer to when Vessel would usually make his nightly supply runs. You hadn’t managed to sleep at all the night prior, tossing and turning as you played through every scenario you could think of as you made your decision. At the sight of the familiar pick up truck rumbling into the lot you felt your heart race. “This is it.” You muttered out loud to the empty store. “No going back now.” He poked his head through the door before fully entering.

“You still open?” He offers you a playful smile.

“No, but for you I'll make an exception.” You giggle in response. He slowly steps inside and approaches the counter.

“How’d thinking on things go?” He rests his elbows on the counter, bringing him closer to face level with you.

You set a hand down on the counter, Vessel cautiously reaching out to take it in his own. He hesitates for a moment, his hand drawing back slightly as if he was preparing to pull away. His fingers were rough against the soft skin of your hand when he finally decided to take his, his thumb running languidly across the peaks and valleys of your knuckles as he waited patiently for your response. “I want to take things slow… but the thought of having all of you to myself is a little too good to pass up.” He breathes out a chuckle, flashing you a sharp smirk that makes your breath catch in your throat.

“Is that so?” He mulls over how to respond to your statement for a moment. “How about I make us dinner and we can sit down and talk about how slow you want to take things, just so we can make sure everyone is on the same page.”

“You want to cook me dinner?” You shoot him a playful smile. “Is it going to be edible?” He bellows out a laugh in response.

“You're funny, you know I've been told I'm a wonderful cook.” He points an accusatory finger at you, standing up to collect what ingredients he needed from around the store. “Just you wait and see, this is going to be the best damn meal you've ever eaten.”

The whole thing was a bit strange in the best way. If he hasn't told you so directly you would've sworn that Vessel thought of you as little more than an acquaintance. But now, you were sitting on your kitchen counter, a glass of white wine swirling around in your hand, rolling your eyes playfully at all of Vessel’s terrible jokes as he made the two of you dinner. He asks you where you keep your plates, you easily reach into the cabinet behind you and produce a pair, holding them out to him with a soft smile. He carefully plates the pasta he made, penne with bacon and spinach and some type of cream sauce he had pulled together with odds and ends from your pantry. “It smells incredible.” He saunters in front of you, trapping you on the counter by placing a hand on either side of your waist.

“And here you were questioning my culinary skills.” He feigns a hurt tone before a soft chuckle rumbles from his chest. “Come on beautiful, let's go eat.” He pulls away from you, your body trailing after his warmth. You pad your way into the living room, Vessel close behind as he carries your plate for you. You sat close together on the couch, angling yourself to better face him. “So, define slow.” He jumps in immediately.

“Let me at least get a couple bites in.” Vessel can't help but smile at your teasing tone. “I just… I don’t know. This is all so different I don't think I can really tell you what going slow even means.”

“Well, I can assure you that all of us care a lot about how you feel during all of this.”

“And I know that.”

“I think you're worried about more than just taking things slow, love. What's on your mind?” The softness to his tone immediately lulled your anxious mind into a sense of safety.

“I'm worried about things developing quicker in certain relationships than others, I just don't want that to cause any of you to fight.” You absentmindedly twisted your fork around in your fingers, studying it as you tried to put into words what was racing through your mind.

“That might happen, but if it does it's alright. Unfortunately that's just something we have to deal with.” He chuckles. “There's no doubt in my mind that you would be more comfortable moving a bit quicker with III than you would with me, he started flirting with you from the start. We all know that you're in various stages of getting to know us, we're more than willing to give you time to figure all of that out.” Hearing him being so reassuring made the heaviness weighing in your chest lighten considerably. “Is there anything else I can do to ease that pretty little head of yours?” You slowly shake your head no before pausing. You looked at the man before you, swallowing thickly as you mulled over an idea. Vessel was an enigma to you even after months of knowing him. He was aloof, quiet, but the few rare instances he let part of his personality break through you could tell just how wonderful he could really be.

“Dance with me?” The question hung in the air for a moment before Vessel wordlessly rose to his feet.

“I will warn you, I'm not much of a dancer.” He chuckles, outstretching his hand for you to take. His palm was warm against your fingertips; the smudged edges of his paint were a stark contrast to the pale skin underneath.

“What a shame, neither am I.” You giggle in response before he pulls you to your feet. He looks around the room, making a small sound of affirmation to himself before pushing your coffee table out of the way to open up the space. You walked over to a bookshelf in the corner of the room, clicking on your radio and letting the soft tune crackle to life. Vessel stood in the center of the room, hands shoved into his pockets as he waited for your return, a soft smile settling onto his lips.

“You look really beautiful today.” He says softly, one strong arm reaching out for you and wrapping around your waist when you were within reach. Your fingers intertwine with his, Vessel watching carefully as each delicate digit slotted between his own. Your cheeks grow warm as you timidly accept the compliment. You had never been this close to Vessel before, feeling the way his muscles tensed and shifted under the hand that rested on his shoulder sent a shiver down your spine. You were unable to tear your eyes away from him, the intricate detailing along the edge of his mask highlighting how wide and bright his smile was as he gazed down at your flustered form. The music you had turned on was non existent at this point, the only thing mattering at this point in time was Vessel finally allowing you the briefest glimpse inside his walls. You managed to trip over your own feet, yelping slightly as you stumbled into him. “Easy now, I got you.” He chuckles, helping to steady you on your feet. “If you're going to faint at least wait until I kiss you for the first time.” He jokes

“Already thinking about kissing me, huh?” You smile coyly

“It'd be hard not to with a pretty face like that.” You let out a flustered laugh, your eyes dropping to the floor. You jumped when there was a sudden knock on the door. You reluctantly pull out of Vessel’s grasp, his fingers trailing across your waist as he tries to remain connected to you until the last possible moment. You slowly open the door, not knowing who to expect on the other side so late. You froze when your eyes landed on III, who was nervously swaying his heels on the creaky wooden landing outside. The moment he realized you had answered he immediately began to ramble.

“I'm sorry, I know you said you needed time to think and I absolutely respect that. I just, I know we kissed, and if you decide you don't want to go through with this I don't want it to make things weird-”

“III.” His mouth snaps shut as you softly say his name. You look back into your living room, Vessel’s head rested in his hand, he seemed mildly annoyed to be interrupted. Not knowing how to respond, you simply pushed the door wide open, III’s attention immediately drawn to Vessel. “We were actually just talking about that.” His eyes widen slightly, his gaze switching between you and his friend.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt-”

“I was just leaving, actually.” Your brows furrowed in confusion. You turn to face him as he walks up to you. He cradles your face in his hand, “tonight was wonderful, I hope we get to do this again soon.” He swipes his thumb across your cheek, leaving a thin black streak in its wake. “Goodnight, love.”

“Goodnight, Ves.” You respond breathlessly. You turn to face III, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth before reaching out and taking his hand, tugging him inside your apartment. His eyes stay locked on you as he follows you through the door, shutting it quietly behind him. “I really enjoyed, um… kissing you last night was really nice.” You let out a flustered laugh. “I don’t want you to worry that you made things weird.”

He chuckles, “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it.” He stuffs his hand in his pockets, shifting his weight awkwardly. “I hope that talk you guys were having was a good one.”

“I think you’ll be very satisfied with the outcome.” You giggle. He gazes at you curiously, the usual playful sparkle back in his eyes when he realized he hadn’t scared you off.

“Is that so?” He saunters closer to you, his towering height and intense gaze threatening to make your knees buckle. “You let me know if any of this is moving too fast, okay?” He says sweetly, gently cupping your jaw.

“Okay.” You smile up at him. He trails his thumb over your bottom lip, his bright blue eyes darting around your features as he drank in the sight of you.

“You are simply gorgeous, love.” He whispers after a moment of silence.

“You flatter me too much.” Both hands slide around your waist, gently pulling you flush against him.

“I'm only telling my girl the truth.” He smiles. Your eyes flash up to meet his, the declaration of being his girl making your heart flutter in your chest. “Well, it seems like we have the night to ourselves. What would you like to do?” Wordlessly you take one of the hands that had settled against the curve of your hip, guiding him towards your couch. You threw on a movie, something mindless that you didn't need to pay attention to. Tonight was about spending time with III. No distractions, no hidden feelings, just you and someone who made you feel like a girl experiencing her first crush all over again. III takes you in his arms, laying back and pulling you on top of him in the process. One arm resting comfortably behind his head, the other slung over your waist as the two of you cuddled in a comfortable silence. “You know, I was really worried all of this would make you never speak to me again.” He speaks up after a while through a quiet chuckle.

“I was definitely a bit nervous about the idea, still kind of am if I'm being honest.” You laugh softly, absentmindedly tracing shapes against the soft material of his sweatshirt on his chest. “But, none of you have given me any reason not to trust you, so despite being nervous I feel like this is the right choice.”

“How you feel about this is very important to me, okay? If there's ever anything I can do for you love, just let me know.” He rubs his hand soothingly up and down your back, keeping you pressed close to him almost as if he was scared if he let you go you'd disappear. The two of you stayed up talking late into the night; you learned that III is more of a cat person than a dog person, his favorite color is red, and he would willingly disappear into the woods without a trace if it meant never folding laundry again. “It's such a dumb concept, I'm going to put the damn clothes on anyways. Why do they have to be folded and put away?” You hid your face against his shoulder, trying to hide the fact you had tears forming in your eyes from laughing so hard. You look up at him with a bright smile, the tangent dying in his throat as his eyes meet yours. He slowly sits himself up on his elbows, your body responding as it gradually slid into his lap. One of his hands pressed into the small of your back, keeping you held as close to him as possible, the other moving to cup your cheek.

“I haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing you since last night.” You admit in a tone barely above a whisper.

“Trust me, I wasn't doing much better.” He chuckles, his gaze briefly flashing down to your lips. “Everything about you… everything about you is just so perfect, and for the life of me I can't figure out why you give me the time of day.”

“Because you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.” Your voice shook as you spoke, you could hear your heartbeat thundering in your ears and you were nearly positive that III could hear it too.

“Because you are the only girl in the world for me.” He admits without a second thought. “I haven't been able to get last night out of my head. Of course I want to kiss you again, but this time I want to kiss you and mean it.” Trembling fingers rose to the edge of his mask, glancing up at him through your lashes asking for silent permission to raise his mask enough to kiss him. He nods, studying your nervous expression as you gently took the edge of the fabric and raised it to just below his nose. Your breath was snatched from your lungs as III crushed his lips against yours, your mind immediately swimming in the overwhelming sensation that was him. His lips subtly sweet as he eased your mouth open, his tongue carefully caressing yours, making sure to take things at a bear agonizing pace in order for you to be able to back away at any time. Your hands slid up his torso, III shivered under your delicate touch. You felt lightheaded as the kiss took over your senses; the euphoric feeling of his warm lips against yours, the deep, earthy smell of his cologne, his massive hand kneading at the softness of your hip. You both pulled away equally breathless, your hands coming up to his mask in order to readjust it into place before he had a chance to.

“I think you definitely meant it this time.” You giggle, your forehead falling to rest against his.

“There's going to be plenty more where that came from.” He winks playfully at you.

III decided to leave you for the night when you could barely keep your head up anymore. He scoops you up in his arms. You grumble in annoyance despite the fact you immediately begin to nuzzle your face against his chest. “Where are we going?” You ask through a yawn.

“I’m taking you to bed sweetheart, you need to rest.” He chuckles.

“-’m not tired.” You try to protest, your actions only make him laugh again before he presses a kiss to your forehead.

“Says the woman who can’t keep her eyes open.” You could hear his smile in his voice.

“I don’t want you to leave.” You admit softly.

“I know love, but you have a store to run, I’m afraid I’ve kept you up more than I already meant to.” He carefully maneuvers himself so he’s holding you in one arm, pulling back your blankets with his now free hand. He lays you gently into bed, his knuckles trailing across your cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” His head dips down, allowing you to share one more chaste kiss before he left you to fall into a dreamless sleep.

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[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[wonwoonlight]

when you're not into PDA but you kiss him absentmindedly in front of everyone

Mingyu x Reader // no plot whatsoever just fluff. Want myself a boyfriend please 😭

Mingyu has always been whiny.

Sometimes it's for show, and others it's just in his nature to be so.

But he's also considerate. Some things he'd whine to no end about while some things he'd immediately shut up the moment you say 'no'. He's perceptive like that and sometimes to a scary amount.

You have no idea how he's able to read you that well; to know when to push and know when to stop just through a glance. Even you can't do it as well as he does and it's your own feeling.

One of the things that he never pushes you for is public display of affections. Mingyu is a big pile of mush, he can't stay to himself if someone he's remotely comfortable with is next to him. He'd grab their shoulder, punch their arm, curl himself small to fit in their shoulder, hug them from the back--just about anything physical that the other party would allow him to.

You love to bask in his embrace, to relish in his kisses, and to feel the shape of his lips in any part of your body. But only when there's little to no people watching, and Mingyu respects you enough to never push any kind of affection when you're together with other people, even his members.

Your affection with him in front of watching eyes are usually limited to hands holding and his arm around your waist or shoulder. Occasionally, you'd lay your head on his shoulder too. And very very occasionally, you'd let him steal a kiss on your cheek or your forehead.

That much, you don't mind.

As much as he respects you, it's only right for you to do the same for him. And while you don't think you'd ever reach the place where you'd be comfortable enough to let him give you an actual kiss in front of anyone, you know how much Mingyu likes to be able to show his affection.

That's just how he loves.

So, even if you're still a little uncomfortable (maybe conscious is the right word?) letting him cuddle you in front of his members, you bare with it because that happy sigh and the small smile he's trying to hide when you settle on his chest is worth it.

"Why are you staring?"

You blink at the question. Have you been staring?

"You didn't even notice, huh?" You mean it when you say he reads you like a book.

You smile sheepishly at him, which he just grins in return and hugs you a little more to himself before he continues whatever he was discussing with Seokmin, Shua, and Chan.

Of all things that make your heart flutter, it's always the way his thumb softly caresses your arm that contributes the most. You're not sure why, but it does and sometimes you feel like purring like a cat everytime he does it.

Like right now.

Your eyes suddenly fall to his lips, a smile automatically falls into yours when you see his do the same.

He's so fucking beautiful it's unfair.

You don't even register what he's saying, and thankfully it's not you he's talking to. The only thing in your mind is how perfect Kim Mingyu is and how you've probably lucked out with him by your side.

He turns to you once again when he feels your eyes on him, this time with a tilt in his head. Seokmin's face fades to the back of your mind when Mingyu raises his eyebrows to ask if there's something wrong.

Your bite your lip before you dive into his for a quick peck, which you pull away from a second later like you're in a daze.

Mingyu seems to be in one too, surprised at the turn of event. And when it registers to him that you've just kissed him in front of his members, he cheeks puff like a kid on a Christmas day.

You don't know if the three witnesses the featherly kiss you shared earlier, but when you see Mingyu biting his lip to contain his grin even if the giddiness is way too obvious in his eyes, you don't think you care even if they do.

A/N: wow im actually satisfied w how this turns out..a feeling ive not had in so long when it comes to my writing

A/N 2: pls drop by and share ur thoughts thank u🤍

[fairycosmos]

I just read your post about your lack of identity and I feel so very similar. I've always been shy and quiet and weird even as a kid but nowadays (I'm 23) I have extreme social anxiety and one tip I always hear is to "just be yourself" and to not be ashamed if you say/do something embarassing etc etc. And the thing is...I dont know how to be myself. I spent the last 5 years basically only interacting with my immediate family because i lost all my friends due to my mental illness and my being unable to be a normal young person. And in this time of (relative) isolation all these things that humans naturally do in interactions or just everyday life have become very hard and artificial-feeling for me. Like everything i do i am aware of and i think it through, even the dumbest stuff like scratching my fucking nose. Now when I'm around other people I lose all sense of who I am and what I want to do and say. I'm not even scared to embarass myself anymore, I just turn into a completely empty shell around others because it feels like all of myself is gone then, so it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to "be myself". What would myself do now? Smile? Say something? Move around in my seat? I literally dont know. Who am I even? And then I HAVE TO put on some kind of facade and try to act normal because otherwise i would literally sit there, staring blankly into space with no expression, not saying a word. It is so fucking hard. Sorry for telling you this, I hope you have a nice day if you ever read this <3

i completely understand what you mean, im in the same boat and honestly you articulated this so well.....ive nicknamed it social or mental atrophy and it's incredibly painful and disorienting to deal with......what's worse is you'd think the simple solution is to just force yourself to be around people more but it's not that simple at all and it just sucks so fucking bad. especially the older you get. im 23 too and i just feel like i never got to develop a mind or personality of my own around others. to this day im just on autopilot with nothing to offer and my natural state is just silence and not talking or expressing anything. people are obviously not very drawn to that and it's just a really lonely way to be but i quite literally don't know how to be anything else. i go through that too - just questioning what am i supposed to do in this moment? what would "i" do or say? i just don't know and ive tried really hard to push myself into social situations for years and it still hasn't changed anything. yeah, i completely get what you mean - it's really hard and im sorry you have to deal with it as well. i truly hope you find people who appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. i hope you're able to discover yourself bit by bit and that you feel comfortable enough to express that someday. i hope you have a nice day too and if you ever need a friend or anything feel free to shoot me a message ❤️

[sukiipjs]

✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

₊ ° .☆ °:. *₊

after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

[ilovesjamesbb]

Please Don't Leave Me (Part. 5)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Depression, heartbreak

I woke up a week later in the ICU of the med bay. My wrists bandaged and a tube down my throat. Steve was by my bedside. His hand holding mine. He looked tired. I tried to squeeze his hand and his face shot up to mine. I could feel myself falling unconscious again. 

I woke up and the tube was gone. I could hear people talking but all I could feel was burning in my chest and all I could think about was Bucky. 

“She needs to rest. She needs a psych evaluation before we do anything else” Dr. Cho said.

“Buc-Bucky. Where is Bucky?” I barely got out. My voice was gone. 

“Y/n. Oh thank god.” Nat was at my side now.

“I need Bucky. Is he okay?” Nat looked sad at my question.

“Nat what is it? Is he okay-”

“He’s alive. He hasn’t left his room in six days. No one has seen him. He doesn't eat. He doesn't leave his room.” She said softly. That was it. I’m going to him. I pulled on my IV and yanked on my heart monitor.

“Y/n stop. You are going to hurt yourself!” Steve said, trying to push you back on the bed. The heart monitor flatlined. I tried to push him off of me but I was weak.

“I need to see him.” I begged. 

“I need him…” I started to cry. The pain in my chest was nothing compared to the feeling in my heart. 

“He needs me… why hasn't he come to see me?” The tears started to flow.

“He thought you were going to die. We all did. I can’t begin to describe it…” I waited for him to finish. 

“I found you laying in a pool of blood with a knife sticking out of your chest, wrists slit. Bucky standing over you. I knocked him out and carried you to the jet. You weren't breathing. Thor dragged Bucky to the jet. No one could look at him. We thought he killed you he almost did-’

“No he didnt” I said, upset that Steve felt so deeply about seeing me this way.

“Y/n he almost did-”

“No he didn't. I did it to myself.” I said flatly. 

“ I couldn’t let him do it. He wouldn’t recover. I tried to kill myself. Now let me see him.” I said. Steve nodded. Nat proceeded to cry and tell me how it felt to see my bloody body laying on the jet floor and Bucky's unconscious one next to me. She thought they lost both of us. 

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna go get you some food.” I nodded, grateful she was leaving. This was my chance to get to Bucky's room. It wasn’t far. The elevator was next to the med bay and his room was ten floors and one room over. I just needed to get to the elevator. I stood up on wobbly feet. The pain in my chest was there but bearable. I was definitely on some good pain killers. I slowly made it to the elevator still in my hospital gown and I had to hold onto everything. As soon as I got to the elevator I grabbed on to the railing and pressed Bucky’s floor. Our floor. 

I saw drops of blood on the floor but it wasn;t too much. I must have ripped a stitch. I made it to his door and I knocked. No answer. I knocked again and again. 

“Steve. Leave.” I kept knocking. Finally he got up and ripped the door open. He went to speak but he stopped when he saw me.

“Not Steve.” I smiled. He didn’t move a look of shock on his face. 

“I need to lay down please don’t make me stand here.” He didn’t hesitate scooping me up and laying me gently on the bed. 

“You shouldn't be here. You need to rest.” He said concerned. 

“Not without seeing you-”

“Why would you want to see me? I did this to you.” He said with his hand over his face.” He looked rough. His eyes were sunken in and his hair was greasy. He obviously hadn't been eating or showering.

“I did this to myself. This was my mistake-’

“How can you say that! I put a knife into your chest. You told me this was a bad idea. I should have listened. I’m a monster. I did this to you-”

“No you didn’t. I did it to myself.” I cried, trying to grab his hand but he shook me off. 

“Stop saying that. This wasn’t you fault. How are you defending me-”

“Because I did it. I took that knife and I slit my wrists and then I stabbed myself in the chest.” I said bluntly. 

“I did this. Not you. Not anyone else.” There were tears in his eyes. 

“I couldn't let them do it to you, James. I couldn’t let you kill me, you wouldn't survive it. I did what was right for both of us. I made peace with my decision.” I said, wiping the tears away. Grabbing his hand and this time he let me.

“You tried ot kill yourself to spare me pain?” I nodded. He started to cry. 

“I can’t do this.” He said getting up. His hand left mine.

“Do what?” You said confused.

“Us.” He said composing himself. What?

“What are you talking about? I said it wasn’t your fault. It was mine! We are together, forever. That's all that matters.” You pleaded with him. 

“I can’t. I don’t want this. I need you to leave.” You stared at him. Tears in your eyes. 

“Jarvis tell Steve to get y/n she's in my room.” I kept crying. A minute later Steve walked in. He looked sad and disappointed. He looked like he pitied me. 

“No. I’m not leaving.” You said and you backed up to the headboard of the bed. Bucky backed up his back hitting the wall. 

“You need to rest.” He said and he came closer to me. 

“No! No!” You screamed. He put his hands under my legs and lifted me. I couldn't really fight back but I cried and cried. 

“Bucky don’t do this. I love you. You said you wouldn't leave me.” I begged but Steve started to walk toward the door. I put my hand on my chest hyperventilating. The pain in my chest was like no other. From heartbreak or the stab wound I don't know. 

“Please, don’t leave me.” I whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I'm so sorry.” I drifted off in Steve’s arms. Drops of blood stained the floor. 

“That was the last time I saw him.” You stated. 

“Bucky.” Dr. Daley said. You looked at her confused.

“His name. Bucky. You need to say it.” You hadn’t said his name since that night. You couldn’t say it. It haunted you. 

‘You didn’t speak for a week, y/n. You cut everyone off. You didn’t leave your bed or eat. That’s not normal behavior-”

“What was I supposed to do?” You countered. 

“No, genuinely, what was I supposed to do? Get up and smile and laugh and pretend my world didn’t end? I was supposed to joke and mingle and go back to the way things were? That will never happen.” You said angry. . 

“You're supposed to live your life. You survived, you are supposed to live your life.” She said, You could tell that this was the breaking point. This was the test. 

“What was I supposed to do when that life is no longer worth living” 

[fortunapre]

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𖧞 definitely 16+ (suggestive and yeah), fluff, hot-hawt-hawt, fem-gender mention, Use on Y/n, swearing

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𖧞 oscar piastri x fem!reader

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓𖧞 (scene iv) 3.4k

either i’m getting better at writing or i just really get carried away with…. certain scenes…

𝐀/𝐍𖧞 I love banter, you love banter, everybody loves banter! Really considering a tag list. BTW thanks to everybody who’s been liking the Pinterest-piece! I really enjoy making it and love that you do too!

Go Back? (scene ii) click here

Go Back? (scene iii) click here

𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐀𝐟𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐬 𖧞 scene iv 𖧞 (𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐝-𝐅𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐬)

Wednesday, December 12th

I was just staring into the sky, not listening to anything going on around me. My sister was on another one of her rants about random social media drama, and I was nodding along like I was listening, but really my mind was elsewhere. 

I don’t know when she stopped talking and realized I wasn't listening, but suddenly a loud sound made me jump. My sister had clapped her hands super hard, right next to my ear, breaking me out of my trance. 

“Ow! What was that for?” I yelled at her and covered my ear like I was in pain.

“Because you weren’t listening to a single thing I was saying! Did you pay attention to anything I just said?” She asked, looking irritated.

I slowly pulled my hands away from my face and winced. “No…...” I answered honestly.

“Y/N! I was talking for at least 30 minutes!”

“Yeah, I know, I know. And usually, I'm interested in what you have to say but my mind is elsewhere today. I'm sorry.” I tried apologizing but she still looked angry. The biggest pet peeve of Her’s is when people don’t listen to her. And I’d just ignored her for half an hour.

She just huffed and turned away from me. She looked straight forward into the snowy view and sipped on her hot cocoa. 

We were outside, cuddled in mounds of blankets and warm clothes, enjoying the beautiful winter scenery with a hot cup of chocolate. 

“I really am sorry.” I tried again. At first, she didn't say anything and ignored me. Then, she turned back towards me and let a little smile show. 

“I know you are, Y/n. I knew you weren’t listening. I saw you space out as soon as I started talking.” She said in a soft voice. I just winced again and laughed. We were both giggling quietly together at the situation and then stopped to take a sip from our mugs. “So then,” my sister began talking, shivering a bit before continuing. “What’s been on your mind?”

I wanted to tell her the truth, but I couldn't. I could only imagine the scream she’d let out if I said ‘oh nothing, I’m just overthinking about mine and Oscar's little not-so-little make out session yesterday, and what would have happened if you guys didn’t interrupt us. But really, I'm over-thinking the contradicting feelings and thoughts I have about him. And most of all, I'm angry at Oscar for completely ignoring me ever since last night.’

Basically, if I muttered a single word of the thoughts running through my mind, my sister would freak out. So instead, I answered with, “Nothing. I’m just trying to think of Christmas presents for everyone. You know how serious I take gift-giving.” I thought I’d dodged her questions, but her eyes squinted a bit, and I could tell she didn’t believe me. Instead of pushing it further, though, she just took a long sip of her drink then nodded. 

The wind started to blow, and our fingers started getting numb, so we moved back inside and settled on the couch to watch a movie. We chose Love Actually, and chilled on the couch. It was still pretty early so everybody was still sleeping except for us. 

Half-way through the movie, my brother walked out in his PJs with insane bed hair. Instead of talking he just sat on the sofa next to us and watched the movie. 

A few minutes later, my brother and sister were talking on the other side of the couch, no doubt about the social media drama. I just sat by myself and finished the movie, almost drifting to sleep.

Before I could rest my eyes, I heard another person come down the stairs. I turned as much as I could to get a peek at who it was. But once I caught sight of familiar messy brown hair I turned back around. I sunk down into my blanket trying to hide my head from him. From what I could hear, he was making coffee or something in the kitchen. 

“Morning. Oscar.” My brother greeted him, jumping up and over the couch to meet him in the kitchen. The two have always had some bromance since they’re around the same age and well…. not girls. 

“Hey.” Oscar said to him. They started talking, but I couldn’t make out anything they were saying.

Once I saw my brother appear back in the main room, I let out a sigh, because that probably means Oscar went back to his room. But right after my brother, followed Oscar. I must have hidden well because once he rounded the couch and saw me, he froze. But not even a second later he snapped out of it and sat down. If I wasn’t already watching his every move, I would have missed it.

The twins picked a funny movie to watch, and the whole time, I stayed completely still. Oscar was less than an arm's length away and I’m afraid of how I’ll react if I touched him on accident.

Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I practically jumped up and made my way to the kitchen.

As I was grabbing a Diet Coke from the fridge, someone came up behind me. I could immediately tell who it was by the sudden scent of spearmint and fresh pine filling my senses. 

“What.” I asked frankly. I turned to face him, and he was in front of me, blocking my way out. I attempted to go around the kitchen island and leave that way but a few strides later and he was blocking my way again. “Hello, are you deaf? What do you want?” I repeated. I know I was being rude but it’s my defense mechanism with Oscar.

“Nothing, I’m just getting something in the kitchen and you’re in my way.” He spoke. He’s trying to aggravate me.

Safe to say it’s working.

“No. You're in my way. Move.” I tried. He only smiled and tilted his head like he was judging me.

“I'm just trying to get some water, Y/n. Why do you have to be so difficult?” He said, leaning closer and speaking lower. He kept that stupid smirk on his face and stood up straight, now towering over me.

“What are you playing at?” I asked through gritted teeth. Seriously, what is wrong with him? He’s being so annoying. It’s like he’s doing everything i told him I hated yesterd-

Oh. Oh.

“Oh my God!” I raised my voice a bit and let out a cold laugh. That’s what he was doing, he was purposely doing everything I said I found annoying about him.  “Don’t be a dick, Oscar.” I scoffed and tried to shove his shoulder, but he stayed in place. I shoved through him again, as hard as I could, successfully getting through. He stumbled back a bit and put a hand to his shoulder like I’d hurt him. 

He shook his head and poked his tongue in the inside of his cheek: a tell that he’s mad. 

I started walking away, practically fuming smoke out of my ears, and made my way towards the stairs. This time, when Oscar tried to grab my arm to stop me, I pulled it out immediately.

I ran up the stairs away from him, but he just followed me up the stairs. I moved faster and quickly made my way into my room. Oscar almost followed me inside, but I quickly slammed the door in his face, stopping him. He didn’t try to come in at first. 

Moments later there was still silence on the other side of the door, so I backed away and laid on my bed. I let out a big sigh and rubbed my forehead.

I decided to scroll on my phone and listen to music. However, every 5 seconds, there was a loud bang. At first, I tried to ignore it, but it kept going. 

I watched a video, scrolled, then BANG. 

Scroll, BANG!

Scro-BANG! I couldn’t take it anymore. 

The sound was coming from the wall behind my head, which so happens to be the wall I share with Oscar, his room being next to mine. When we were younger, Oscar would play the loudest music or bounce a ball on the wall to annoy me. Right now, I'm positive he’s gone back to his immature roots and is chucking a ball at the wall to make me mad. I huffed and then jumped out of my bed and made my way out of my room. I tried to open the door next to mine but was met with a lock. 

“OSCAR! LET ME IN” I knocked loud and quick on the door. When the door still didn’t open, I knocked louder. “Oscar, if you don’t open this door right now, I'm going to-”

“What? Kiss me?” The door swung open, and I was met with a grinning Oscar.

I almost choked at his words. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at him with an incredulous expression. 

“Wha..What?! I would never-”

“Ah, but you did. "He cut me off again. He was leaning against the doorway and tossing a ball in his hand, patronizing me. He was looking down at me with a smug expression, obviously proud of himself. 

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “If I remember correctly, YOU kissed ME.” I argued, shoving him for the second time today, making my way into his room. I turned around when I reached the middle of his room and placed a hand on my hip. 

He slowly turned to face me, still leaning on the doorway and tossing the ball between his two hands. Once he faced me, I properly took him in. 

He was wearing a black t-shirt that looks like it might have been left here from last year. Joining F1 meant he had to train more, so the shirt he was wearing looked a little tighter than it should be. He had a pair of jeans that fit him well; he must have gone shopping because they look new. His hair was neat. Not gelled, but probably combed. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, talking about the incessant banging.

He rolled off of the door and stood up straight, walking slowly towards where I was standing. His sudden movement surprised me, so I backed away a little. But he kept walking towards me. 

So, I backed away more. Instead of walking towards me again he just stayed in place. “Just playing catch.”

“With who, the wall?”

“Yeah.”

“Well stop.” I said and tried to take the ball away from him. He was quicker than me and pulled the ball away. I tried at it again but failed as he pulled it up and over my head. Prick. “Or play on a different wall, I'm trying to rest.”

“Nah.” is all he said.

“Nah?” I repeated. “Come on Oscar, drop this immature teasing and leave me alone.” I was getting tired of this very quickly. When he didn’t say anything, I gave up and made my way out of his room. Before I could leave though, he reached over and shut the door in front of me, trapping me inside. 

Fully prepared to yell at him, I turned around but was met with Oscar standing right behind me. His arm was still on the door, next to my head.

 He was staring at me, more specifically: my lips.

No. I won't. I couldn’t let him just kiss me whenever he feels like it. 

“Stop…” I tried to sound demanding, but my voice came out barely above a whisper. I tried to push him away, but he stayed in place like a rock.

“I'm not doing anything,” Oscar tried to argue, but I was over him denying everything. 

“Yes. Yes, Oscar you are! You can’t tease me and make me so incredibly angry but then turn around and look at me like…” I looked at his eyes. They were darker than normal and trained on my own with intensity. “...that. You can’t look at me like that. You're fucking with my head and frankly,” I scoffed. “It makes me want to punch you.”

He looked at me with the same intensity, never letting down. His arm still rested on the door, but his body was less rigid and slightly angled towards me. “Osca-” 

I tried to tell him off again, but he started speaking.

“You’re fucking with my mind too.” He said quickly, looking away from my eyes. He dropped his head as he continued speaking. “Ever since…” he started but sounded like he couldn’t get the words out. “Ever since you got here, Y/n. You, and your voice and your eyes and those fucking shorts. Dammit.” He dropped his hand from the door, running it through his hair. I was just standing still, trying to understand. 

He walked away from me, turning his back to me. “I don’t know what’s going on,” He admitted. “But I can't. Stay. away from you. Teasing you and making you angry is the only thing I know and fuck me if I don't crave every time your cheeks turn red when you're mad. Or when you roll your eyes, or when you fight back…” Now he was the one rambling. 

I was trying to take in every word he was saying but his past actions and 

current words weren’t adding up. Am I supposed to just rethink these past few days because his arguing and ruthless teasing has been because, what? He likes the way I ‘blush and get angry’?

My eyebrows furrowed and I shook my head. “Wait, what?” I asked. “I don’t understand, Oscar…”

Suddenly he turned back around and walked back towards me slowly. “Can you not? Try to understand, I mean.”

“What?”

“Y/n, I don’t even understand, alright? So don’t try to make sense of all of this right now.” His voice was low and quiet. His eyes were back on my lips and his body was closer than before.

“Ok.” I whispered. He was tilting his head lower, his breath fanning over my lips. My eyes fluttered and my skin heated up. Something about the look in his eyes and the warmth radiating off of him made every previous thought I had fly out of the window. 

I know I just went on a rant about how we need to stop before it starts but for some reason, I don’t care anymore. I tilted my head up, brushing my lips against his, and sighing at the contact. My stomach was tumbling with need. I need him close. 

“Fuck it.” Oscar whispered into my mouth as he connected our lips. I sucked in a breath as he finally kissed me, letting all of the built-up need roll onto my lips. 

Our mouths met like they did the night before: deep and rough. 

I don’t know what it is about arguments and them leading to us kissing. But this one felt different then the last. It felt full and needy. Instead of testing the waters, we both dived in, meshing together. He licked the corner of my mouth, sending me into a frenzy. I pulled him closer by the front of his shirt, backing me into the door. He put an arm on the door, next to my head to stabilize himself, while he pushed himself closer to me. The other hand was on my hip, rubbing slow circles on the skin right above my waistband. 

I felt his tongue swipe against my bottom lip, so I opened my mouth slightly to let him in. His tongue tasted mine as we deepened the kiss. I flattened my palms against his chest and moved them up to around his neck. When I reached the hair on the back of his neck, I tugged lightly and moved up to further mess up the rest of his hair. He moaned into my mouth and pushed his hips into mine. My hips were flush against his, my back being pushed into the door. I let out a small noise at the friction and kissed him harder.

A familiar heat pooled in the bottom of my stomach, and I made what sounded like a whine as I unlatched our lips. 

“Oscar,” I tried to speak but it’s like my voice was gone. I spoke breathy with desire laced in my tone. “Oscar, we have to stop.” I was saying the words, but I really didn’t mean or want them. And I think Oscar could tell it’s not what I really wanted because he licked a stripe up my neck and started kissing the spot between my ear and jawline. 

I shut my eyes tightly and tilted my head back, to give him better access.

I gasped when I felt his teeth on my neck, do doubt leaving a mark. He sucked and kissed where he nipped and continued his way down my neck. I gasped his name, not to tell him to stop, but because of how good it felt.

He moved to the other side of my neck and let out a deep grumble that sounded like frustration. Before I knew it, Oscar bent down to grab the backs of my thighs and lift me up. I let out a small yelp and wrapped my legs around him. He pushed up back against the door and went back to my lips. Throughout the kiss, he and I pulled away to breath and speak.

“God, Y/n” he would say.

“Oscar, please,” I would answer. 

With the new position, the heat between us grew red hot. 

Oscar started pushing up, making his hips meet mine with friction I've never felt. Everything was rough and lustful. His lips, his hips, his hands, his chest, his voice. It was all too much. 

I moved my hands from his neck to my shirt, trying to tug it up. He caught onto what I was doing and instead of helping me, he started walking away from the door, me still wrapped around him. He carried me across the room and sat on the edge of his bed, me now on his lap. 

With his hands free, he grasped at the hem of my shirt and lifted it up and off of me. The refreshing cool air hit my skin but was soon covered by Oscar hands, splayed across each side of my ribcage. His touch was almost burning, and it made me only want him to touch me more. I put my hands on his shoulders and started moving my hips against him. He gasped and let out a frustrated groan, his hands left my upper half and instead held onto my hips, stopping me.

“Don’t.” he said through his teeth. “Don’t do that Y/n”

I was going to apologize, and he must have seen the worried look on my face because he spoke up. “No, it’s not you. It’s just that if you keep doing that, I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”

My eyes widened at this, and I was about to kiss him again, but a noise came from the other side of the room. 

Oscar’s room door cracked open, and my sister poked her head in, and looked right at us. She saw me half naked on Oscar's lap, us both breathing hard and having so obviously been caught making out.

“Oh My God.” My sister and I said at the same time. She quickly made a show to cover her eyes with her hand and slam the door shut with the other. 

My eyes were wide, and I was frozen. 

I jumped off of Oscar and searched around for my shirt. I needed to talk to her before she said anything to anyone. 

“My shirt. Where’s my shirt, Oscar?" I was breathing hard and was looking frantically.

“I don’t know, I kind of just tossed it.” He said, low. He almost sounded like he was in pain. I paused my searching and saw Oscar lean on his knees and run his hands through his hair. 

“What. What’s wrong with you?” I asked, sounding mad, but I meant it genuinely. 

He just chuckled and looked at me. “What do you think, Y/n? You were just grinding against me and then a second later you were gone. Obviously, I have a… problem… to fix now.”

My eyes widened with realization, and I blushed hard and turned away. I went back to searching for my shirt and eventually found it tucked under his bed. I threw it on and then ran out of the room, looking for my sister.

I saw her sitting on the couch, both hands covering her eyes. She looked like she was muttering something and shaking her head.

 Oh, God how am I going to fix this.

Next (scene v) Click Here!

pinterest-piece (Winter Affairs moodboard)

[t4transsexual]

have you ever dated cis women? when did you decide to be t4t?

i have dated a couple of cis women, one for a little while and we didnt get on because she was one of those fems who doesnt want their butch/masc/transmasc partner to have feelings and needs and also didnt want me to say no to sex and we didnt last long because i was deeply unhappy with her

as for when i decided to be t4t, i guess its probably about time i open up about the specific instance(s) that lead to me deciding to be exclusively t4t, because i havent actually talked about what pushed me to make the shift into exclusively dating trans people. i was trying to run a more positive page and frankly i wasnt really ready to talk about this so publicly, especially with the terf/transphobe interaction i get almost all the time on this account, but i figure i can now and ill probably turn off replies if i can figure out how

tw for graphic description of sexual assault and transphobia under the cut

when i started medically transitioning, i decided to try dating guys again. keep in mind i had a lot of comphet before deciding i was t4t; i basically only really beat that around 2022 when i turned 20. and i matched with a cis guy on tinder, who looked like he had a lot of personality judging by his photos i was 18, almost 19 at the time

literally the first thing this man says to me, after i tell him im trans, is "oh, cool, i love femboys." red flag #1. i said, "im not a femboy, i present masculinely, dont call me that." he apologized, and we moved on

at some point, we're talking about sex. he says hes very subby and a size queen. all fine, i told him i was a stone top/dom, i didnt really like experiencing penetration and it was painful for me due to a condition i had at the time. he says thats fine, everythings good. this will be important later

later, he tells me he told his parents i was trans. i asked him why, given that he both didnt ask me first and said his parents were transphobic. he says "my mom asked, was i just supposed to lie?" i say, yes. he apologizes, i /really/ want to call the whole thing off at this point but he seemed nice enough that maybe he just didnt know trans dating as well as i did

the entire relationship, he just says transphobic shit. he told me that he "understood why people didnt want to date trans people, because its a lot of baggage." he was an active alcoholic by the way. and also dating a trans person. he would neg me for being trans and then turn around and say that i was such a hot guy. he even misgendered me one time, and got upset at me for getting pissed about it, and made me believe i was overreacting. he made me believe that he was doing me a favor by ever dating me

at some point, we're at my parents house, and he tells me he wants to fuck me with his penis. i tell him no, that i dont want to, that i dont know about it, that im scared, pretty much anything i can say to get him to reconsider, but he argued and said itd be good for me and that i can choose which hole but it became very clear to me that i had no choice. so i said he could fuck my pussy

it was excruciating. it hurt so bad, but i knew i couldnt say no. he couldnt stay hard unless he was degrading me and i didnt want him to, so he kept making me jerk him off so he could keep raping me

eventually he stopped, and i wasnt even really aware i had been raped at first. ive been sexually abused by several people in my life and generally it has taken me a while to accept when ive been sexually abused by a person. so we kept dating like normal, long distance btw, but my mental health was deteriorating. i was suicidal for the first time in a while. i was self harming again. i couldnt stop thinking about killing myself.

eventually, he breaks up with me for being suicidal. he says im guilt tripping him or something, i dont remember. and that was december of 2021

we go no contact. i still dont realize he raped me. but i knew that there was something deeply wrong in the way our relationship was

right after him, i dated a trans woman who we went to the same high school. just the difference in how i was treated by her than by him, with her she treated me like i was an actual equal in the relationship. with him, he felt he was superior to me; like he "owned" me, or something

we broke up, we werent really compatible, but when i got with her, she taught me what being t4t was, and the implicit understanding and the comfort and safety i felt. after we broke up was when i decided i didnt like men, and still remained t4t after

i realized what he did to me was rape nearly a year later. he correctively raped me for being a stone top, more specifically, and i dont think he wouldve been "empowered" to rape me if i was a cis man, or even a cis woman. i understand that the "off" feeling i felt throughout that relationship was because he, as a cis person, felt superior over me as a trans person, and felt that if he wanted to fuck me, i shouldnt get a say. he talked about doing other actions to me that i didnt want done at the time, certainly not by him, and if we werent long distance, he probably wouldve raped me several more times

being with my current girlfriend, we click in a way that i havent felt with any cis person, the women included. she definitely isnt going to rape me for being trans. ive undergone physical therapy so that if i ever got raped again, it wouldnt hurt as bad, and it worked and ive actually enjoyed bottoming (consensually) with my girlfriend. she makes me feel very safe, and we understand each other and each others needs as trans people very well, and being with her has helped me process the time i was raped, and the several other times ive been sexually abused by other people

now that ive had time to process these things, i would say that i dont feel the same way around trans people (including me) dating cis people anymore. when i first started this account, i wouldve never admitted this then btw, i fully did not think trans people should date cis people, because i had fostered such a deep distrust of cis people as a result of that whole relationship and assault. i believed cis people would always be bad partners to trans people, but i dont believe that anymore. in the very unlikely circumstance i find myself single again, i may even consider dating a cis woman again. but probably not, because ive grown to really like the implicit understanding that we as trans people get with other trans people

thats why im t4t, and when i became t4t was around the beginning of 2022

[matthewmurdockswife]

Hello!! Could you please do one where Tony Stark is the readers dad and he finds her SH?? Thank you!

Iron brusies x tony stark (platonic)

Tw: self harm, depictive description of cutting, anxiety attack, hitting,

a/n : guys im always here to talk feel free to talk to me about anything at anytime good or bad my messages are and will always be open you can even send me a anonymous message in the req box if thats what you need to do Talk to me or a friend theres always someone there for you if you look hard enough I promise

I never felt like enough, which is unexpected when you’re constantly put out into the media and are being portrayed as “the happiest person alive” everyone wants my life many envy my family and my life style but not very many people understand it, and I mean truly understand it. Underneath the media personality I had to put on as an avengers daughter and a future avenger hid many scars.

It started a few years ago on accident I was shaving my legs when I accidentally sliced myself. But my reaction wasnt the same as it used to be, instead of being upset I was relieved. It felt like an escape and from that moment foward it felt impossible to stop

“ hey kiddo” My dad walked over to me while I leant against the kitchen island “hey” I remained looking at my phone my voice was faltering and was sure to give me away I didnt need my dad knowing about how I felt. If I ever wanted to be an avenger I cant have problems like this I cant let anyone see me weak.

He had stopped his movements, looking at me he reached out to touch my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me he always seemed to know something was up. without looking I pushed off the island without a glance or a word. I couldnt let him see me break. No one can see me break.

Everything felt out of control, my world was spiralling and so I went to the one thing that put me in control. My razor blades. I took the elevator up to the secluded floor I knew what I was doing in order for me to not get caught I had to think smart. I had this memorized, never say where your going, never go to that floor with another avenger and never use your own room.

I told friday the floor number remaining as composed as possible the cracks in my voice a dead giveaway “ mrs stark are you alright your blood pressure and heart rate have dramatically increased” taking a deep breath I reply to the ai “im fine fri” using an irritated tone in an attempt to conceal how im crumbling apart “ are you sure mrs stark? I can contact your father if needed” fridays tone questioning and concerned “im fine friday im just not feeling well” And I darted out of the elevator the moment the doors where opened

I opened the drawer containg the one thing I needed my razor as I smashed it against the floor over and over again until the metal blades broke free and I grabbed one and pushed it into my leg letting the metal drag across my skin. The blood dripping down my leg.

my hands shook and my body trembled one more I told myself each time. one more and ill be okay one more I kept repeating it over and over again in my head like a melody, a mantra like a prayer for help

my hands shook I felt my mind scream a blood curdling scream when I heard the thing I dreaded most. a knock on the door “hey kiddo you alright friday said you felt sick do you need anything can I come in”

i was panicking i thought i had this covered i thought i could be smooth about this i thiught i coukd do this and no one would know the thought of my father finding out about me about what i am what i do what ive become is enough to start sending me into a anxiety attack “ im about to have a shower” my voice was faulty and a dead give away and i covered my mouth trying to stop the broken sobs from escaping my lips anymore then they already had .” dont lie to me friday said your heart reate was through the rough whats going on kiddo” I let a sob escape my mouth but quickly covered it I heard a sigh and then a click

the door had been opened it was my greatest nightmare my breathing quicked as I lunged full force at the door trying to keep my dad out but he had had the advantage he was standing I was flipped onto my stomach as he pushed open the door once again

“ why are you on the floor kiddo c’mon stand up” he reached under my bicep as attempt to help lift me up “ NO” I screamed ripping my arm from his grasp looking up face stained in tears my dad’s expression written of pure shock guilt washed over me my emotions reaching an all time new high

I felt that drowning feeling begin again in my chest and then in my stomach and the voices in my brain began chanting on how I had messed this up, how it was all over, how I was worthless.Any negative comment anyones made on me being thrown at me by my own mind I scrambled to sit up against the tub holding my legs to my chest gasling hard for air. I was having an anxiety attack in front kd my dad who sat there eyes wide motiomless and wearing a shocked expression he came to sit down next tk me stroking my back while I sobbed wildy he pulled me into his chest while I fought against him throwing weak haphazard punches and his shoulder screaming kicking and crying to be let go off but he knly held me tighter and stroked my hair gently shishing me quieting my cries as he had done when i was younger to console me .

only then did I relax into his embrace

only then did I allow myself to be vulnerable

only then did he notice the multitudeof faded and fresh marks on my legs including the ones I had just freshly reopened

only then was I honest and opened up about the past two years of hell I went through

only then did I begin to see my dad differently as someone who understood what I had gone through because he had gone through it himself. I gained a new appreciation for my father that day, I’ve never been better and I owe it all to him

A/n

girlie im so sorry i didnt even see this lol sorry It took me so long to get around to. anywho sorry if this wasnt what you meant also sorry if this is bad its like 1 am my eyes are burning 🤭 love you guys never be scared to reach out for help, and always drink your water <3 bye loves

[shhh-no-ones-home]

future friends 2/2

james 'logan' howlett

+++++++++

part one

song: gold medal ribbon my pierce the veil

+++++++++

i sat on my bed and thought about what had happened in the danger-room. it had been a little over a week already and i still couldnt stop thinking about it. his face, the way he sounded. so broken. it was an accident. and of course i couldnt think to face ororo either. im sure she already got an earful from him about it.

but the thing is, i hadnt seen him or his reading since that day. and that worried me. all of his classes had been cancelled but i couldnt exactly blame him. i think i wouldve done the same. i half thought to go find him but i wasnt sure i could face him again. nonetheless i picked myself up off the side of my bed and walked out of my room and out into the hall. kids were rushing past me to get to their next class but i ignored them as best i could.

some of them were harder than others, all of the images of their pasts behind my eyes as i paced by them. but then his made its way into my brain and i stopped. i had already made it to the end of the hall but it wasnt his room he was in. it was the library. some place i hadnt ever seen him go. he didnt find place in there like the students did. but it was quiet. i pushed the door open slowly and there he was, sat at the table with a book open in front of him. it was a book about the civil war. oh. i watched his face as he looked up.

"hey kid, or uh, y/n."

he corrected and i drew my brows, walking slowly to him like you would a wounded animal.

"hello logan."

he closed the book and placed it flat on the table, folding his hands on top of it.

"first of all i wanna apologize-"

"dont worry about it."

he cut me off and i tilted my head to the side in confusion.

"but i lied to you?"

i questioned and he nodded, a half smile making its way to his features.

"i know. i talked to storm. and though i wish someone would have helped me sooner i understand she was just trying to keep the professors wishes. damn bastard."

he laughed.

"so youre not mad? at me?"

i asked hesitantly and he scooted his chair back, standing up to meet me.

"storm explained a bit about you. how your powers work, how old you are, the god that cursed you."

i looked down and he took my hand in his. i gasped and tried to pull away but he held on tight. i looked up with wide eyes, trying to study his face.

"i made peace with not knowing anything about myself but you changed that. now i know who i am. or was, at least."

he squeezed my hand and then let it go.

"you arent scared?"

i asked and he laughed.

"terrified actually. but if youre willing to work with me. id like to get to know myself. and you."

i watched as he put his leg up and sat on the side of the table.

"logan i want to but with my powers only a handful of things can happen. the more i look into your past the more i will get attached to you and i dont want you to resent me for something i cant control."

he nodded, studying my face.

"y/n you are the only person ive ever met that is my own age and is willing to help me. i dont think i could resent you even if i tried."

i laughed, tapping a finger on the table next to his leg.

"you say that now."

he reached forward and grabbed my hand again but i didnt pull away this time. he closed his eyes.

"they dont come in waves like the first one did."

he said softly and i drew my brows.

"each time i touch you i get isolated stories. ones that i only got glimpses of the first time."

he said coolly. opening his eyes and looking up at me.

"is that how you see them?"

he asked and i nodded.

"if i focus hard enough yes, or if im around the person a lot. the glimpses get longer. especially if im not trying to suppress them."

"you are extraordinary."

he complimented and i could feel some heat forming in my cheeks. i knew to much about him to not blush. it didnt help i already had a crush on him.

"tell me, whats something that youve been wanting to know? more than anything else."

he sat and thought for a second

"striker said i volunteered for his program but i cant believe that. i want to know what actually happened."

i nodded, stepping towards him a little more. he drew his brows and watched me.

"bare with me please."

i whispered, looking over his face and stopping at his lips. i took a deep breath before closing the gap between us. as soon as our lips touched i was overrun with his memories. i searched through them like a file folder, stopping on his time at alkali lake. i could feel my body tense and i shared that memory with him, his recruitment, the experiment, taking gallons of his blood and storing it, the wires and machines he was hooked up to, keeping him in a cage like an animal, and his escape.

i held on as long as i could but it got too overwhelming. i pulled away from him and seized, my head falling back and my eyesight going white as i looked to the ceiling. i fell limp against him, feeling his arms wrap around my body as he caught me, slowly guiding me to the floor and into his lap. i shook against him and breathed heavily as my eyesight came back. i could hear him shushing me and stroking my hair, rocking back and forth.

"logan."

i gasped out, gripping at his arm.

"its okay, im right here."

he said, and i could hear the fear in his voice.

"i held on as long as i could."

i whispered and i felt him kiss the top of my head.

"you gave me just what i needed, now relax. please. ill take care of you while you do."

i nodded against his chest, feeling my eyes heavy.

"im gonna sleep now okay?"

i asked and i could feel him chuckle to himself.

"ive got you. you go right ahead."

i hummed to myself.

"lets hold off on any more memories for a little bit okay?"

i asked and he laughed.

"youve got a deal. kid. now just take it easy."

the last thing i remember was my body going limp against him and everything going black. at least i could help a little. give him some part of himself back. and i could hear it in his voice. he was sincere.

"thank you y/n."

[bunnieclit]

idk what else to say besides life's been fucking my fat ass lately 😻

butttt my sons been doing amazing and gaining more weighttt (he's completely fine dw just born 2 weeks before my expected due date so lil mans a tad bit below average on his body weight)

so lil update

lost 4 pounds that's it😭 since having my baby im always so hungry ive binged three times since having him and literally never feel full after ik i gotta fast to shrink my stomach back down but my bf is so persistent about me eating especially at dinner he's completely caught on to the fact that i have a problem we've gotten into several arguments recently over food around me not eating/not eating enough but i am trying harder than ever to focus on my health my mindset has changed a lot since becoming a mother of course i want to be thin again but not more than i want to be alive which is new lmaoooo

sooooo srry 4 the rant but i gotta get this shit off my mind

i feel so alone and empty when i'm home alone sooooo almost all day every day ik i gotta learn how to drive so i can have some sort of life outside of my room i sit here and just overanalyze all my relationships and every lil interaction with my bf i feel so bad bc he works sm and comes home excited to see me and the bby and im so bitter and cold for lik the first 30 minutes then snap out of it cuz literally WTF i wait around for him to get home lik a dog and by the time he gets here im in a terrible mood and for whatttttt he's so good to me and understanding :( im trying so hard to be better for him the last thing i ever want to do is push him away from me he's my world

i had a full blown breakdown on sunday when my family came to visit our bby but thank godddd i sped off to the garage before they noticed anything was wrong but me it's just since having the baby i can't even stand the way i look

me and my bf do this bs were we take pictures of each other naked looking stupid and it's never bothered me b4 we always send them back and forth when he's working but he took one on saturday and the second i saw it i wanted to puke i didn't even recognize myself i looked disgusting but i didn't make a big deal about it until sunday

it was all I could think about throughout the day i kept going back and just staring at the picture so by the time he got home i was so hurt i barely talked to him when my family got there he was being extremely standoffish and wouldn't even come into the living room where we all were which is extremely unlike him so i went over there to apologize and ask him if he was mad at me

ofc cuz he's the best bf told me no he's just confused and doesn't know why i'm acting like that i completely brokedown sobbing telling him about how the picture made me feel and i know he didn't mean any harm by it but that i just hate myself sm and don't know how he could love me looking like this but he's ofc so reassuring and supportive i felt so much better afterwards

he's way older than me so he's extremely against plastic surgery but told me last night that after we have our second child he will pay for me to get a tummy tuck bc he can't stand to see how my body is affecting me anymore

likk thank you sirrrrrr😻

[yourmommygay]

Let's trust him.

Idea: This is set just after Liam brings theo back and is set in Scott's house when they find out he's back.

Pairings: theo raeken x plus size!reader, Malia tate/hale x reader (siblings. Malia is 2 years older), Scott mccall x reader (platonic), Liam Dumbar x reader (best friends)

Warnings: swearing, mentions of blood and violence.

Be prepared this is a kinda long one.

Cody christain is just majestic.

Me, malia and Scott had just returned to Scott's after receiving a message from Liam asking for us to come back. As I stepped out of my truck and closed the door I heard my sister growl, I didn't understand why, I just shrugged it off and walked over to Scott who was walking up the path to the front door.

We entered the house and I heard hushed whispers from towards the kitchen area, I identified the voices of Liam and hayden aka my best friend and his girlfriend. As I rounded the corner I saw him, theo. My ex boyfriend standing behind my best friend and hayden who was holding the katana.

"What's going on here?" I asked worried as to why he was here. Liam looked sad almost guilty but still confident all at once. Scott stepped towards Liam with a angry glint in his eyes.

(Skip to later. Also im adding more speach cause its been a while since ive watched teen wolf and i cant find it anywhere as i live in the uk)

"Scott I don't trust him" malia said to Scott and I don't blame her, he manipulated us all, made us believe we could trust him, shot malia, made me fall in love with him just so he could get closer to the pack, manipulated Liam into trying to kill Scott then trying and sort of succeeding in killing him. "I know you don't malia, but Liam thinks he may be able to help us, he remembers stiles" Scott said trying to calm down the situation.

"I remember stiles, Lydia remembers stiles, y/n remembers stiles and so do you. We don't need theo, Liam needs to send him back. He tried to kill you scott" malia rambled getting angrier by the second. "What do you think y/n?" Scott asked looking straight at me, I looked over at theo and saw his eyes. He was listening in to the conversation and he looked scared. "Malia has a point he did try to kill you." I pause. "But so did I and malia and Liam and Peter and Kate and Chris and Jackson and yet you gave us another chance and trusted us. I say we give him one more chance, if he does something we don't like or agree with put him back" I respond.

Scott nods and tells Liam "y/n's right, but he's your responsibility. You watch him, got it?" Liam nods and looks over at me "can y/n help? She's theos weakness remember".

(Flashback to before they sent him to his personal hell)

"Y/n your everything to me, I didn't mean to involve you in the plan. I didn't mean to fall in love with you, at first I thought maybe it was easy but then you actually treated me the way I wanted to be treated, with love and care. God I'm crazy about you y/n, if anything happened to you I'd lose my mind. Your the only thing that keeps me calm and anchored" theo said trying to plea for my forgiveness.

"I can't be with you theo, not anymore. Your not the person I thought you was. If you can change then maybe at some point eventually but right now I'm pushing myself to just talk to you, I don't think I can trust you" I turned and left theo standing there looking like a kid who just dropped their ice cream.

"Fine catherine goes with but if he gets to close to her stop him" Scott and malia both say St the same time making me smirk. I have a feeling they will be together soon enough, there's always been something there. I can tell.

(Time skip again)

I'm walking behind hayden and Liam by theo but not next to him as I see Liam and hayden being a cute couple. Hayden says how she trusts liam I nearly make an audible sound of adoration towards the teenage couple as they kiss theo says "oh do you want me to leave you two alone to have some couple time?" He then holds up the chains "Oh wait I can't" he says annoyed. Liam rolls his eyes and me and hayden giggle at the boys. Liam yanks on the chain connected to the handcuffs on theo's wrists.

As I'm walking theo looks at me. "Hey" he whispers knowing that even though the teenage couple infront of us are talking that if he spoke loud enough Liam would hear him. "Hi" I whisper back. "I heard what you said to Scott back at the house, thank you for sticking up for me" he whispers smiling at me, not a smirk like before, a genuine smile. "I didn't do it as a favor for you." Amd just like that the smile is gone.

"I did it for me, so I can kill you once we have finished with you" I smile and him then jog to catch up and walk next to hayden.

(Time skip again. I'm sorry)

"Scott was right, I'm sending you back" Liam said to theo, we had just returned to the little shed thingy and saw a ghost rider dead in the cage with the gate open and theo sitting on the floor. I hadn't looked at theo yet I just know he's sitting on the floor, I finally look over at theo then turn to Liam and whisper to Liam "leave me alone with him, I'll fine out what happened" Liam looks hesitant but I nod and he and everyone else walks out leaving me with theo.

I sit down next to theo sideways facing him. I cross my legs, sigh and put my hands in my lap. "What happened theo?" I ask. Theo looks at me with tears in his eyes and blood on his face, "my sister would pull my heart out, over and over and over and over again. Then suddenly you appeared and she started pulling your heart out then she would make me pull it out, I couldn't. I couldn't hurt you again so I always had to watch you die." He said catching me of guard. "Theo I meant about what happened here. Is-is that what you witnessed in your personal hell?" I ask putting my hand on his knee. He nods then says "it was uh, Mr Douglas. He came in here, killed the ghost rider. Ate something from in his brain that let him use the whip" theo says then he clears his throat and sits up more, still leaning on the wall.

"Mr Douglas, as in the new teacher?" I ask in disbelief. Theo nods again and I nod. "Theo I have to ask, did you try to stop him?" I ask scared of the answer. "Yeah I did he uh, he pushed me against the wall and then faced the ghost rider" theo said and I knew he was telling the truth cause they couldn't lie to me. I nod and pull theo into my chest hugging him catching him by surprise but he quickly wrapped his arms around me and buried his head in my neck.

"I missed you" I confess. "I missed you so much more and I'm so sorry I broke your trust and I promise I will try to prove myself and change, for you. I'll be better for you" theo said looking me in the eyes. I smile and nod then kiss theo quickly before calling Scott and Liam and the others back in.

I stand up as they enter and say "He's telling the truth, he had nothing to do with what happened here. In fact he tried to stop it from happening but he couldn't. Scott can I talk to you outside?" I ramble, Scott nods and we walk out the little shed thingy. "Scott, he's just told me what he went through down there. I think we should at least give him a chance to be better. To prove to be better. He isn't the same as before, believe me. I was his girlfriend and there is a look in his eyes that wasn't there before." I explain.

"What did he go through?" Scott asks, I shake my head "I can't say exactly as its not my place if he wants to tell you he will but I will say that if anything would change him. It would be what he went through. Can we please give him one more chance and just put at least a little bit of trust in him?" I say.

Scott nods and says

"Okay, let's trust him"

A/n: I hope you like this, it took me about an hour to write as I kept getting distracted. Anyway let me know what you think about this and I'm sorry that I couldn't really remember much from the episodes but I tried my best. Anyway, remember you are loved and you are wanted. I love you and I hope you have a nice morning/evening/night. Bye bye.

[himbirch]

valentine (feel free to call me val, himbitch, or hb)

he/him with a smidge of it/its

between 18 and 21

aroacespec trans queer

may or may not be a fly agaric mycelium in a trench coat

FREAK!!!!

fair warning that i do occasionally post or reblog gore (in art or literature), mentions of death, slurs that apply to me, or other triggering subjects. i try my best to tag them

my askbox is open!

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symbolism, apocalypses, tragedies, ensemble casts, tenderness in spite of everything, relations or characters doomed by the narrative, haunting of the narrative, what it means to be human, and above all deep meaningful platonic relationships that push the boundaries of societal expectations!!!!!

Update: i am distancing myself from nevermore. no hate to absolutely anyone, i’m not here to start shit and contrary to popular belief i never have been. I will forever cherish the friendships and memories ive made, i’m grateful for the comic’s existence and think it’s a beautiful piece of art, but for multiple reasons i will most likely not be posting about it anymore. I do not want to get dragged into the discourse more than i already have. I have not decided what to do with my fics yet but feel free to dm me if you want to know how they would’ve ended. Thanks.