#but as an aroace myself i just felt like i had to get it out i guess

[miitopia-cake]

I wish some aces would stop excluding other aces with complex sexual experiences. like I get why but you have to realize that being ace does not mean they don't enjoy sexual experiences and it's weird when you complain about allo people and boil it down to "people who have sexual experiences" and also shame people for their sex life and kinks as if your own community doesnt INCLUDE those people. because there are other aces out there who still masturbate, who feel sexually attracted to their own body, who barely experiences sexual attraction but still enjoys sex, who like consuming sexual media, who like sfw kink. being ace is so so much more complex than just "disliking sex". and also aromantic exclusionism in the same genre of posts is something i see a lot. especially aro allos. I hate hate hate seeing a community that SHOULD be inclusive boil down sexuality and exclude people.

[britneyshakespeare]

being aroace is weird bc i’m queer but other queer ppl for the most part don’t understand the way i’m queer unless theyre also aro and/or ace

[bindeds]

╭ 𝜗𝜚﹔ᵎᵎ acknowledging his aromanticism & asexuality. ALASTOR X FEM READER HEADCANONS ! — i know alastor is aroace BUT i am challenging myself to make a more aroace friendly post about our best man. this post contains SLIGHT nsfw (he doesn’t take part in it physically and is quite unattached!)

gif creds go to @sakuhai !

mlist. request status.

since being aroace is a spectrum i’d like to imagine that with the life he led and the horrible things he did in hell, it was just never possible for him to fall for anyone and vice versa

but of course that all fell apart when you came along.

you had to be the one to open up about it first, and you know this from the way everyone was more aware of his sexuality than even he was. of course, if he were to, by some miracle, return your feelings, he would still be aroace considering the definition of those terms are ‘an individual who experiences little to no romantic or sexual attraction,’ but if anything that just meant that the chances of him even feeling anything for you is MUCH slimmer than compared to many others’.

but yes, come to think of it, even if Alastor had been invading your personal space the way he usually does with everyone in the hotel, he didn’t mind when you did the exact same for him, always leaning or touching his shoulders or pulling him along by the hand if you were excited to show him something. It was an odd feeling when he’d come to realize this during your confession.

“care to dance?” he would say, extending a gentle hand towards you right after your confession. you took it without much thought and slow music began to play seemingly from his mic, but it felt like the music had been hugging the both of you together as you swayed in tandem.

seeing as alastor was touch-repulsed, of course it puzzled you to have his hand so firm on your waist as the other held up your own, but then you realize something, and you asked to confirm it. “Did you like to dance like this when you were still alive?”

“Oh of course dear, I was quite the gentleman in my youth, but you already know that,” you followed his rhythm like you and him were one in the same, and he spun you around before having both your hands meet his own.

“will you give me time, darling?”

and of course, you were happy to give whatever time he needed. Though he didn’t need much because he’s simply never felt this way before. He’d come to terms with it quite early in his life that it’s simply not one of the ‘pleasures’ he’d get to experience in both his lifetime as a living being and as a demon. But he knew this was different. You felt different.

even more different than all the friends he had, and he was very aware of the fact that about 95% of his friends were women, and none of them came close to giving him the feeling you did with that dance and your general being, and alastor has danced with many, many women.

nonetheless, you picked a very difficult man to be with. very difficult indeed. he knew this, and you knew this. so as any normal man would he came back to you with what seemed to be his own terms and conditions.

1 : do not, under any circumstance, expect him to be open to sexual intimacy. he’s only just found out that he is, in fact, capable of experiencing romantic attraction even though it took dying and MANY years of being a heartless cannibal, sadist and murderer for him to find it, all of which contributes to just how overwhelming this is as it is. just thinking about the sexual aspect is something he’d rather not add to the juggle pile. 2 : he will be bad at this, and you’ve no choice but to accept that. he might have seen these types of things play out multiple times throughout both lifetimes, but theory and practice are two very different things, and it just doesn’t come naturally to him. So if you can’t be patient with him, he would completely understand and break it off immediately.

other than that, he will do anything in his power to make you happy. and of course, you agreed to these terms without hesitation and without shaking his hand—heavens, he couldn’t do that to you … unless you wanted him to own your soul.

seeing as you’ve had a long talk about your arrangement with him, he respectfully calls you his partner. you first thought that maybe he would want to start with dates first, but then he looked you in the eye and you remembered every single night he would just leave the hotel for you at 2am in the morning without notice, pick you up and grab the most horrendous food ever. alastor never even complained that you didn’t try freshly killed limbs and you never questioned him back. those were dates enough for you.

you ask him about his preferences anyway, and he says that one of the deciding factors for him was that you wouldn’t even be able to imagine the things he’d do to anyone who tried to have you if you two were in some sort of mutual agreement instead of an official relationship. of course, you had no problem with being his, so off you two went.

nothing much changed besides the much more frequent visits over at yours. but then also, a lot has changed because of the more frequent visits.

he tried normal food once for your sake, didn’t like it, wasn’t used to it, but he liked that he made you smile when he spat it out in the end. and on the contrary, he didn’t ask you to try cannibalism, and appreciated the fact that you’d gotten used to him eating in front of you with all the gore and flies laid out before the both of you.

another thing that changed was his oral hygiene. it was absolutely horrendous, but spending many evenings in your room and seeing you get ready for bed has alastor getting used to the ‘brushing teeth’ scene, so, like the food, he tries it for your sake. it wasn’t so bad, but it fixed basically nothing seeing as he eats nothing but raw meat and demon limbs for all three meals of the day. but, he did it every other day, and there was actually a lighter shade of yellow in his teeth by the end of the month.

he gets you flowers and your favorites every now and then for no reason at all. in his words, “it is absolutely absurd to be celebrating our very special relationship on just one day every year. and you don’t ask for much, so i thought i’d help myself to being the reason i get to see that radiant smile of yours, dove.”

he slept over at your place once. it wasn’t an active decision he’d made, it was just one of those nights when he came to visit and instead of leaving at the usual time, you asked him to stay and he did. you were in bed and talking to him about a book you had just gotten into and he made the mental note of reading it himself when he had the time. he saw how blissful you were in the sheets and took of his coat to settle next to you. the conversation was like any other he’d usually have with you, sprinkled in with sadistic jokes and laughter, but the night was different as he drifted off not long after you had.

if you ever had to get kicked out from your place for whatever reason, alastor would check you into the hazbin hotel, no questions asked despite how much of a bad idea it was. god, just the thought of others finding out made him grind his teeth.

he wasn’t ashamed of you by any means, but it was more of the fact that he knew no one would be normal about this. alastor, the radio demon has a heart after all. and that heart was you. and you were beating with beauty and blood and gentle patience he absolutely didn’t deserve. so he talked to you, and you understood the situation and agreed to be referred to as his friend.

if alastor ever does anything sexual with you, it would definitely be when he senses through little subtle hints that you’re pent up. he tries to ignore it for a while but he brings it up one day, asking if it would help if you masturbated while he was in the room. you were embarrassed, of course, but seeing as alastor was ace this was already a big step from him, so you accepted.

by this time, alastor would have visited you enough to have seen you naked once or twice, all by accident, but he didn’t have much of a reaction seeing as neither of you made physical contact with each other, you were okay with it and none of it had any sexual intentions behind it.

and so he watched you. he watched you with that devilish smile of his, and when you were sweating and panting and close, he walked towards you and held your chin up to him as you continued to get off towards your climax.

“are you thinking of me, my dear?” he whispered, his voice sounding more muffled as the stereo effect doubled. you were afraid to say yes. afraid that that was a boundary of his you were crossing. but then he says, “if anything gets you going, let it be me, my love.”

and of course, you came.

you asked if he was uncomfortable and he said, “heavens no, darling! i would never back out on my word, especially if it is one i gave to you. nothing is sacred, but every night, our bond whispers to be. so if there is a way help you with your sexual urges without making my skin crawl, then i am more than happy to oblige.”

[onesidedradiostatic]

As an aro, I keep thinking “cmon, asexuality is not that hard to figure out, I understood it before I realized I was aro,” but then I remembered that one time in high school when I was taking a psych class and our teacher showed us a video on asexuality that included both aroaces and alloro aces talking about their experiences (unfortunately no aro allos otherwise I would’ve figured myself out way faster lmao) and the entire rest of the class would legit start screaming like what they heard was too unhinged to comprehend every time someone said something as simple as “yeah we’re dating but we don’t have sex cause we don’t feel that way about each other” (something I too didn’t get cause (pre-realization aroallo voice) isn’t the point of dating so that it’s socially acceptable to have sex, but even then this is an overreaction). I felt awful for the ace person in the class, like. I’m so sorry they had to be surrounded by that. And this took place in the early 2010s.

Uhhh to swing the mood back a bit, since Alastor is also old and doesn’t know what asexuality is, the idea of Vox just wanting to know what his preferences are even because what does anyone else have that he doesn’t, and all Alastor can think is “hey actually good question, what do I like in a woman” and only being able to think of traits he likes in friends. Even better if he realizes what he’s done and he’s like “there must be something I haven’t seen in anyone, or I would be having amorous feelings for Rosie and I know my feelings for her are platonic!” You can almost see the question marks surrounding both their heads. Rosie and Velvette seeing this and they’re both internally just like “please figure it out already”

they are both old men they both don't know what asexuality or aromanticism is and it is horrible. but I cannot imagine them having a conversation like this at the current point they're at. FUCK IT let me one-sided radiostatic this shit. it would be funny I think if back in the pre-rejection days vox tried to ask alastor for his type in subtle ways of trying to make a move. alastor struggles to come up with anything. maybe answers something super generic (me projecting from when I've been asked my type in the past). vox getting excited because the generic ass answer could fit him (it could fit literally anyone). neither of them think anything of alastor struggling to answer. it's terrible.

[a-confused-teen-venting]

Yeah I’m once’s again posting about Heartstopper especially about Isaac.

God last night uggghhh. I felt so called out in many scenes like you won’t even believe. The “asking your friends to ask them how does it feel to like someone” gave me a wave of embarrassment cause I did that when going through a time I felt like I had to like someone who liked me. Plus the smallest scenes and moments showing Isaac’s dilemma while noticing all the couples around him with the kind of slight doubt and unsure feelings written in his face like UGH I GET IT.

And it hurts me that only I get it.

Watching this with my friend and her boyfriend in the same room was a doozy. Of course I didn’t mind them cuddling and flirting, it’s just, looking at Isaac and seeing the isolation and inability to fall in love while being surrounded by his friends who are all participating in their own romantic journey was like having a mirror directed at me. I feeling of seeing myself play put on screen felt so alien cause I never could relate so badly to a character before. But what kinda ruined the experience was my friend who seems to not understand that Isaac was going through an AROACE story. Not just an asexual story.

Spoilers moving forward:

Ever since my friend found out that James was going to be a potential love interest for Isaac, she was stoked, while I knew very well this was going to be a “realization” story. I knew from the beginning that this was going to be an aroace experience about how even though someone likes you, you can’t like them back cause your unable to feel anything for them. Still, for some reason, my friend still pushed and wished for the potential ability of Isaac getting romantically involved with James and it made me realize she didn’t see Isaac as being aromantic. She knew he was asexual but she was doubting the fact that he was aromantic and had the mentality of “he is asexual but he can still feel romantic love.” It wasn’t until that Isaac talked to the artist in the exhibition and they explicitly said “aromantic and asexual” that she finally admitted that Isaac is aroace. Like, she really needed to be told by word that Isaac is aromantic to basically confirmed his validation. Which… hurt cause… it isn’t obvious???

Throughout Isaac’s whole journey there were so many hints and clues about him going through his aromantic and asexual identity but it seemed she kept pushing for Isaac to be at least being alloromantic because… love??

The fact that an explicitly aroace character was still getting amatonormativity pushed upon them was just… so sad…

I felt for a second erased. Misunderstood. Or like the possibility of being aromantic isn’t possible cause I mean who could reject love?

I left her house basically about to break into tears because of Isaac’s journey but I hold it in cause I didn’t wanna bother her about something that she wouldn’t understand.

It’s just… it hurts really. The one character created for us to represent the aspec community being pushed aside and have their identity be invalidated or turned around made me realize that no matter what we can’t escape the expectations of society. The need to get into a relationship cause it’s just “oh so beautiful” and “everyone will meet the one” .

Im so happy to see myself in Isaac, but just so… miserable too.

[kiragecko]

This is a post about why I'm currently considering myself to be nonbinary, but it's not a post about gender.

-

It’s about 90% of the elementary school girls wanting to sit on the grass and talk about boys, and me still not understanding why even now, in my mid 30s.

It’s about ‘girls books’ that were all about friendship drama and worrying about menstruating, and how these were framed as universal concerns. My only friends were a pair of male cousins and we mostly cared about how our Lego ninjas’ castle infiltration was going. (The options were limited in my small library in the mid-90s.)

It’s about the ‘wild’, ‘disobedient’, and 'hyper' kids in the books I grew up with being so much better behaved than me, even on my best day, that I’d puzzle over it for weeks. Maybe if my parents were stricter I would be able to follow instructions easier? Maybe I was one of the mean kids in those books? Why was nobody in books like me?

It’s about the revulsion I feel when I think about ‘romantic’ gestures. Remembering my mom getting flowers from someone at church, and my aunt getting upset when I laughed about how she wouldn’t like them. MY MOM IS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS, but a person who had nothing to do with the situation got offended that I didn’t consider them a thoughtful and nice gift. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about how I’m ‘supposed’ to think things that I don’t want and can’t use are loving gifts, just because society decided they were.

It's about people wanting me to already know their social conventions, and feeling like they are doing SO MUCH WORK when they make allowances for my mistakes, but thinking that learning anything about how I like to communicate is asking far too much of them.

It's about trying to make friends as a teen, and all the guys getting upset or weird when it became clear that wasn't code for dating.

It's about makeup giving me rashes, and my hair being done up giving me headaches.

It’s about women in lingerie in ads, and how I wore a headscarf for a year in reaction to how that made me feel.

It's about learning biblical gender roles, and getting really excited about the idea of protection and love in return for submission. And then finding out I like the BDSM understanding of protection and submission a lot more than I like the church's. That the person I love doesn't have the skill to protect me in ways that make submission safe.

It’s about having noise and light sensitivities, but being expected to enjoy crowded weddings.

It’s about people acting disgusted when I get too loud. Or excited. Or happy. Or interested.

It's about 'body language experts' that ""explain"" what various gestures mean, and it's about that month when my husband believed them and told me I was wrong about what I felt.

It's about definitions of 'womanhood' and 'humanity' that contain things that exclude me. And learning how to be okay with being the exception this time. And eventually getting so used to being the exception that I can no longer connect to the concept at all.

It's about only reading fantasy, now, because an elf's experience isn't supposed to be relatable.

It’s about learning that ‘I actually wanted’ things I didn’t want, and I was ‘unreasonable’ when I said no, and I was being ‘too sensitive’ when things physically or emotionally hurt.

It’s about being ADHD and aroace and weird in far too many ways; in a culture that seems to consider that to be willful rebellion and disrespect.

-

I don’t know how to be a woman. I don’t know how to feel good about being a woman. I don't feel I can fulfill the roles and dynamics associated with femininity. I can't present myself in the expected ways, and I don't really want to. In isolation, 'woman' feels like an accurate description. But than I think of OTHER people considering me a woman, and having the right to define what that means, and I just can't.

I need a break from considering myself female, so I can figure out how to do it in a way that doesn’t break me.

I want to learn how to interact with other people in a way that are less exhausting and painful. Engage on my own terms, and disengage if those terms aren’t fulfilled. Protect my own boundaries with strangers and acquaintances - people I don’t expect to make allowances for me. Not by demanding things of them, but by only offering myself on certain terms.

I don't want to ask anything about anyone else. I'm tired of it being about them. I want to ask things of myself. Ask for respect, and care. Figure out what that would actually look like. I want to process and let go of my self-hatred and feelings of being 'designed wrong'.

I've heard the terms 'acegender' and 'neurogender'. They don't excite me, but I recognize that's part of what's going on. Having ADHD gets in the way of performing womanhood to the point that it becomes hard to separate them. And some much of femaleness is defined in relation to being a part of a heterosexual romantic couple. I've got the man, but that hasn't helped me decode the mysteries of romantic and sexual attraction. The baffling concept of men having some sort of allure that women lack, of being a different category.

But, like my marriage isn't about my lack of attraction (it's about the choice I made to love him, and the decade plus of commitment we've had to each other), being nonbinary isn't about my lack of understanding of and ability to perform womanhood. It's about choosing to love myself, and recognizing that I've internalized enough harmful beliefs that I can't healthily identify as female right now.

It's not about gender.

[lauralot89]

Loveless

I'm late on this because the book was published in 2020, but I only heard about it in the last month when I was reading an article about asexuality in fiction but in case anyone is out of the loop like me let me tell you about this glory

Loveless is a YA novel by Alice Oseman, author of Heartstopper and Solitaire. It tells the story of Georgia Warr, freshman at Durham University, and her realization that while she's in love with the idea of romance, the actuality of a romantic/sexual relationship repulses her.

Alice Oseman herself is aroace, which makes perfect sense because throughout the novel I kept asking myself, "How does she know? How does she know?! How did she get these thoughts out of my head?"

for my fellow ace and/or aro people, let me quote some of the lines that just got me straight in the soul:

"I had a theory that a lot of people's "celebrity crushes" were just faked to fit in."

"I was disgusted by the thought of him near me. Wanting things from me. That wasn't normal, was it?"

"Oh, God, this thing is actually real, it's not just in fanfics and movies. And I'm supposed to be doing it too."

"Did I even know what romantic feelings felt like?"

"He was clearly the sort of person who I should like romantically. Who I could like romantically. He looked like a boyfriend. I loved his personality. I'd loved his personality for years. So I could fall in love with him. With a little bit of effort. Definitely."

"I thought I'd understood what all these romantic things would feel like--butterflies and the spark and just knowing when you liked someone. I'd read about these feelings hundreds of times in books and fanfic. I'd watched way more romcoms than was probably normal for an eighteen-year-old. But now I was starting to wonder whether these things were just made up."

"Straight people don't think shit like that."

"Just because I'd never liked anyone didn't mean I never would. Did it?"

"I thought all the movies were exaggerating, but you're all really out there just craving genitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke."

"How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did not actually want?"

"I felt like I was grieving. I was grieving this fake life, a fantasy future that I was never going to live."

"How was it fair that everyone got to feel that except me?"

"I never had any crushes when I was a child. Not any real ones, anyway. Sometimes I confused friendships for them, or just thinking a guy was really cool."

"For a long time, I was just dating and having sex because that's what people did. And I wanted to feel like those people."

"You've been so confused about stuff. You really thought we could be together, because you do love me. Not in a romantic way, but just as strongly."

"Oh. This is an asexual thing. I forgot other people are obsessed with having sex."

seriously the entire time I spent with this book I just kept asking "was this written for me specifically?" because that's exactly how it felt.

It is a gorgeous book that explores that bizarre feeling of not knowing the word for what you are, not even knowing that you are something out of the ordinary because we don't define ourselves by what we lack and we just expect that one day, it'll happen and we'll be like everyone else. That struggle of trying to differentiate between loving someone and being in love with them, and trying to make the former into the latter and hurting everything in the process.

It is so good. 10/10, no complaints

also there's an asshole in the university's queer pride group who doesn't think aces belong and everyone hates him so that's fantastic, aphobes fuck off

in conclusion I highly recommend it

[xshybutdeadlyx]

Questions for the demiromantic and demisexuals out there

Ok, so I've recently found this term thanks to an aroace character from a show I watched. I knew of the sexuality but I didn't really know the specifics because I always thought I was bi but now looking into it I didn't know how aroace was like a literal umbrella and there was so much more to it then meets the eye. Which I'm 30 I feel like I should know more than what I do. But with doing research into it trying to understand it better, I learned about all the terms, and I learned about demiromantic and demisexual and it really resonated with me. But I wanted to ask for advice, I guess? Like I like romance I love reading it seeing art and what have you but when it comes to romance for myself I'm not a big fan? And maybe it's because I literally have to unlearn so much romance equals a, b, and c when that's not really true. I literally been in only one relationship in my life and it consisted of hand holding small kisses (no tongue, honestly I have an ick with spit and the only reason I "wanted" to do deeper kisses with the boyfriend I had at the time was because I felt like it was a requirement) but I honestly didn't feel attraction towards him until after getting to know him and being friends with him for months well into almost a year. And he's the only one I ever felt that way for I hardly ever had crushes or when I did I almost kinda forced myself into having them if that makes sense? It was "natural," and every kid was supposed to have crushes. Nothing ever came from the "crushes" though.

Now, like I said, I'm well into my 30s, and the relationship I just mentioned was the only relationship romantic wise I've ever had. I have had strong feelings for two of the friends I have but one friend is straight as they come and the other is married lol the one that is married though we have a strong bond that I wouldn't trade anything for. She tickles my hand, and she lets me cuddle her all the time, and we just spend nights just playing games together, just like when we were in high school. I love her so damn much, and I'll cherish what we have even when we are both dead and gone. She is my forever person.

Sorry, I went into a mini rant about my platonic love, but she's the best, and when I start talking about her, I have to gush lol, but anyways back to my sexuality crisis

So anyways, when there is even a chance of someone having an interest in me, I honestly kind of freak out. Or like if someone tries to set me up with someone, red neon flashing warning signs pop up for me. I don't know that person, and honestly, I get put off by big romantic gestures. Like, I appreciate it, but I don't think it's necessary? Can we just go get McDonald's, sit in the parking lot, and just shoot the shit? Play some games? We can watch movies or shows too.

I've also been on the dating websites and such as well, and I'm just always immediately put off. "Hello beautiful," ugh. "Insert pickup line here." please God why. "Unsolicited romantic or sexual advances right after a day of talking." Haha, no. There was literally one guy I thought was cool and we kinda flirted but it was really just talking everyday about the games we were playing I feel like if given time a connection could of been built but he ended up finding someone else immediately. Which honestly was fine I was kinda bummed but like if he wanted romance immediately, I wasn't gonna be giving that to him. I wanted to still be friends, but apparently, we had "too much history," so he ended up blocking me. lol oh well.

I've also literally only have had two "crushes" in like in a 5 year time span (only because this is what I can remember lol) one of em was so goofy and seemed so fun but then it seems like they turned out to be very self absorbed instantly done the other had baby mama drama wasn't into that. Honestly, those things seem to be things that could be worked through? Maybe? But once I just see something off-putting, it's all I see, which seems more like a personal thing because of past traumas.

As of now I'm honestly content with no romantic relationship but I feel like I do want one but I don't want one with just anyone and it just doesn't seem like many people out there are willing to wait or willing to be friends first and want to hop into relationships immediately when I very much don't. It takes me a while to be comfortable with people, and I want to get to know them as a person.

For a long time I felt like I just wasn't doing things right or that I had to actually change something that I was doing. I thought I was wrong or that I should just force myself into the uncomfortable situation of being someone's girlfriend immediately but then if it turns out I just don't have those romantic feelings then there the whole process of hurting them which is just anxiety inducting.

Also, with all that I'm saying, it does go into the demisexual portion, too. I've still never been with someone sexually because even in the one relationship I have had, I haven't met someone I've trusted to give myself to. The thought of one night stands or anything of the like just makes me wanna crawl into myself. I don't mind anything sexual but I want to be with someone sexually that I trust and care about with my whole being, not some dude Craig or some chick Wendy from Tinder. I'm content with that, but a lot of the times, I'm almost made to feel bad because I haven't done anything sexual. But boy, can I read all the smut on Ao3. Like it all in theory, but dunno about in practice lol I just don't have much of a drive in general, but I don't know if that's just because I've never been with anyone before? I keep getting told, "As soon as you're with someone, your sex drive changes," and like, does that shit really happen? Lol

All in all, I really feel connected to the terms demiromantic and demisexual. Even when I just said I'm bi, it just never felt right, but for once, I feel like I finally found something that I felt connected to and finally found me. But I guess I also wanna feel like I'm right in assuming so? I dunno I feel like it'd be disrespectful in using a label that isn't really you? Which doesn't sound right because everyone has the right to find themselves, and sometimes people go through a list until they finally find themselves, which is what's happening to me right now. But my feelings also just get jumbled up and I have a hard time distinguishing what's been conditioned in me, like how you date, you get into a relationship, ya do couple things, then you get married ect. When all I wanna do is get to know you, really know you, then actually date but even then I feel like a lot of my stuff is more on the platonic end? Like, I like cuddling and kissing, and I do like romance but on a more tame level? I kick my feet when reading "he bought her all these extravagant gifts then he swept her off her feet and dipped her into a kiss" so cute but like if I was actually in that situation like bro put me down for real and I'm so awkward when given gifts lol

I dunno I'd just would really like to discuss this with others who have found themselves because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I've talked to my friends and they of course support me and love me but I feel like they don't really get it? And my family just chalks it up to " Ya just don't have a lot of experience it'll all change when ya get out there and mingle with people"

Thanks in advance for reading all this if ya made it this far I know it's a lot of word vomit as I like to call it but I don't have very organized thoughts and I just kinda write what I'm thinking in the moment lol

[hxney-lemcn]

The Fall — Connor x gn! demi! reader

summery: Connor asks a personal question which leads to reader explaining their sexual orientation. Which ends up in a confession and fluffiness.

tw: anxiety attack, mentions of being invalidated

a/n: Super self indulgent. I may be aroace but I will live in this fantasy as long as I want.

wc: 1.5k

Master List

I felt frustrated. Oh so frustrated. I typically would spend my spare time reading. No, not reading novels or books like I probably should. It was kind of embarrassing to admit, but yes. I read fanfic. It’s not a crime, okay. But recently, I couldn’t pay attention to it, my mind drifting off to someone else instead. Every time too. I would be reading about my favorite characters and then think about him instead. Which led me to stare at my phone when I had free time and come up with scenarios that would potentially befall us. Not only did it waste my phone battery, but it also makes me look dumb just staring at nothing. 

I found myself in a similar situation at the moment. The t.v. droned on, some video or show, I wasn’t completely sure. I let out a small huff, tossing my phone gently onto my stomach. I turned my gaze to Connor, who happened to already be staring at me. 

Connor invited me out to Hank's house today. Just to hang out. I accepted, deeming that I need to socialize with people more…and maybe because that meant I could hang out with Connor. Hank was off who knows where, telling Sumo to watch over us. Which led us to sit on the couch and watch something. I was curled into one side of the couch, a light blanket keeping me warm.

“May I ask a personal question?” Connor asked, head tilting to the side in that cute puppy-like manner. 

“Shoot,” I replied, putting my full attention on him. 

“Have you ever been in a romantic relationship?” He asked, curious brown eyes boring into me. 

A range of emotions washed over me. Nervousness as to the implications this could mean, but also nervousness to what I was going to have to explain. I’m demiromantic, which meant that I had to get to know a person real well before even thinking about entering a romantic relationship with them. But I never really liked anyone like that for years…until now. 

Which meant that I had little to no experience when it came to dating. And I honestly believed that it would stay that way. Which I didn’t mind, don’t get me wrong. I was content on my own with my pets…but I always wanted something more with someone. To be special to someone. Which led me to reading fanfic. 

“No,” I replied hesitantly. 

Connor’s brows furrowed, a slight frown settled on his lips, “I don’t understand.”

I frowned in confusion as well, “What don’t you get?” His stare moved back to me and it was intense, some feeling I couldn’t put my finger on was swimming through his eyes.

“How someone as amazing as you haven’t found anyone yet,” Connor stated. 

I felt my heart rate accelerate and I tried to hide how flustered that statement made me, but I also knew he could scan me and find out without me even realizing. How could he say something like that so unabashed? He thinks I’m amazing? Does that mean he admires me? God, the thought alone made me feel all warm and fuzzy. 

“It’s…hard to explain,” I shrugged, looking towards the t.v. only to notice it was shut off. Connor stayed silent, eyes pleading for me to continue. I let out a small sigh, ready to fall into the usual spiel, “I’m demiromantic. I need to get to know someone real well before even thinking about anything more than friends, and the people I start to like never really saw me as anything more than a friend so I’ve never dated or anything.”

“How long does it take for you to gain these romantic interests? If I may ask,” Connor asked, his body moving closer in curiosity. 

Once again I just shrugged, trying to not think about how surprisingly quick I found myself falling for the handsome android sitting next to me. It still took longer than what the media portrays, at least a month, but that was quick for me. 

“It depends,” I finally answered. “I haven’t been interested in many people, I could probably count the amount on one hand.” I let out a small chuckle at the thought. “Why do you ask?”

My eyes were drawn to Connor’s led as it spun yellow. It even blinked red for a second and I grew concerned. Did…was he going to invalidate me somehow? Tell me I’m just trying to label myself and that what I felt was normal? It’s happened more than I’d like to think, but I trusted Connor, so if he said anything like that I wasn’t sure what I’d do. 

“I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable,” Connor finally managed to speak out. I moved to sit more upright, scooting closer to him. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder, and he seemed to relax a bit under me, the artificial muscles moving under my hand. 

“I trust you, Connor,” I spoke up. “I know if something comes out wrong you don’t mean it in a bad way.” 

“That’s not,” Connor huffed, shaking his head. My eyes fell onto that small piece of hair on his forehead, but I ignored the urge to push it back into place. His led once again blipped red before settling on yellow. “You produce these feelings inside of me, things I haven’t felt around anyone else. Hank has made some comments…and I believe this feeling is love, or strong attraction at the very least, but with this newfound information…”

Connor’s concerned, fearful look along with all the words he just spoke put my brain in overdrive. What? He…no. No…I…do I like him like that? I mean, yes I’m attracted to him, and yes, the idea of being in a relationship with him makes my heart pound faster. 

I pulled my hand away from him, scooting away slightly. I clenched my fists against my knees, staring down at the carpet floor like it would give me all the answers. I barely recognized his honeyed voice call my name in concern. I didn’t notice how his led settled on a deep red. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings, suddenly overwhelmed by everything. 

Scared, I was scared. Isn’t this what I wanted? Someone to like me? But was I in love with the idea of that? Or did I actually like Connor? I don’t want to start a relationship with the wrong intentions. Connor doesn’t deserve to be hurt. But I really really like him. Yeah, I like him. As a person. I like spending time with him. I like talking with him, I like helping him with his still newfound deviancy. 

Oh god, what if he only liked me because I was the first person to be kind to him? No, no it’s not my place to question his feelings. It’s all new to him as well. This is new to both of us…the thought alone made me relax a bit. I took a deep breath, and then another. Would it hurt to just try out a relationship? It’s Connor after all, and if it doesn’t work I don’t think it’d end too terribly…

With one last deep breath, I opened my eyes, feeling a lot calmer than I did a few seconds ago. I felt guilty as Connor fidgeted with his quarter, led bright red, eyes searching for something in mine. 

“Sorry,” I apologized nervously. “I…just got a bit overwhelmed.” Connor looked scared, he opened his mouth, but closed it. He seemed afraid he’d say something wrong. 

“Like I said, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship,” I explained. “And…I guess I kinda thought I’d never get a chance. So you saying that you…” The word felt heavy as it sat on my tongue. “...are strongly attracted to me…I guess it kinda scared me. I’ve never dealt with this before, and didn’t think I’d have to. Not that it’s bad or anything! Because I like you too, I’m just…scared.”

Connors led spun yellow, processing what I had just said. Finally it settled on a serene blue, his face morphed from fear, to relief, to settling on pure joy.

“I also don’t have experience in this field,” Connor replied. “I was built with a social programme, but it didn’t include anything to do with romantic human relations. I would like to learn with you.” 

Heat simmered through me, heart beating faster and I felt inexplicably happy. So happy, I had no idea what to do with this newfound energy bursting through me. I stared at Connor, his cute freckles, deep brown eyes, perfect eyebrows, full lips, to that damned piece of hair still out of place. It was hard to believe someone who looked so perfect would want to be with me. 

Trying to calm myself from doing something I’d regret, I lifted my hand up and brushed that piece of hair up and into place. Connor closed his eyes, tilting his head closer to my hand. I couldn’t help but marvel at how soft his hair felt. 

Continuing to brush his hair gently, I finally replied, “I wouldn’t want to learn with anyone else.”

Connor opened his eyes, his smile seeming to split at the seams. My heartrate spiked once more as I finally could put a word to the look in his eyes when he looked at me. Love.

[aromantic-diaries]

I noticed that after I came out to one of my lesbian friends as aroace I was almost put on a pedistal. We never used to hang out, I assumed because we had nothing in common, but since coming out she comes over to hang out all the time, invites me to play sports with her, gives me job opportunities that I might like and I was even added to a special group chat with just queer people. All this while we still have nothing in common. I haven’t changed as a person, I just put a name to my sexual orientation that isn’t heterosexual.

In all honesty I’m kind of offended that I wouldn’t have been able to be this close of friends with her if I was straight. I was always jealous of my two lesbian friends and my one very sexually active straight friend for always leaving me in the dust to go hand out with each other because abuse I wasn’t queer at the time and also didn’t have an interest in banging everything that moves.

But who knew all that had to be done to be bffs with her was to change my fundamental nature and make myself not straight.

Anyway, kind of upset and overthinking this situation. I felt left out of our tiny friendship for ages because I was the ‘token straight’ and was never invited to anything.

I can understand why queer people would be more comfortable hanging around other queer people but honestly I think sidelining "straight" friends is kind of a dick move. I get that there's a sense of safety and solidarity with people who are like you but at the same time we're all just people and sexuality shouldn't make a difference in how we judge eachother especially when you know the other person is worth keeping around. I think I get where your friends were coming from but I'm on your side here

[raavenb2619]

Does coming out lead to too much focus on labels?

(I don't really have a main thesis I'm trying to convince anyone of, I just had a thought and wondered what other people thought.)

When I had recently figured out I was ace/aro/nonbinary, I really cared about finding the right labels for me. And the aspec community in particular has so many unique perspectives and labels that you can apply to yourself. What kinds of attraction do you feel, how do you label your orientations and attractions, what model do you use to think about attraction, how do you think about relationships, how do you feel about sex/romance/relationships, etc. It was super eye opening to learn about lots of different terms, and different ways of thinking about things, and things I'd never even thought about or thought I even could think about, and I ended up applying lots of labels to myself.

But, it's been many years since then, and over time I've grown less interested in applying specific labels to myself. I'm still queer/ace/aro/trans/nonbinary/polyam, but I don't really use other labels. (And depending on the situation, I might end up omitting labels when vagaries work fine.) That's not to say that I don't have affinity with other labels, whether that's "I'm similar to what this label describes" or "this label provides an interesting perspective that I like", I just...don't use other labels to define my identity. If I'm comfortable enough talking about something that I could use a label for, I'll just describe my experiences directly, instead of saying "I'm [blank]".

And, I wonder if that shift from specificity to vagary has to do with coming out. For a young aroace like me, part of why coming out was so nerve-racking was that I felt like I had to prove that my identity was real, and having specific labels I could point to and say "look, this is real, I'm not making this up, other people are like this too" was super helpful. But, it's been many years since I've come out, and I'm more confident and know who I am, and that insecurity that I fought back with fistfuls of labels and well-rehearsed explanations is gone. (With the potential exception of QPR-related discussions, which feel kind of like coming out again; I might make a post about that some time if people are interested.)

Every time I've ever come out, or seen someone come out in real life or in media, it's always been "I'm [blank]", but I've never seen someone come out as "I'm not cis/straight". It's always a declaration that you are a specific thing, never a statement that you aren't something someone thought you were. I remember really wanting to make sure I knew exactly what I was and didn't come out as one thing and then change my labels later, because it would mean I'd have to come out again and it would be embarrassing that I got things wrong and maybe people would start to doubt me and not believe me when I said I was something in the future. But, people don't have to be a fixed, immutable set of labels forever; I'm comfortable with using vague labels for myself and letting myself be vague and nebulous and fluid without frantically trying to label every single part of myself. (And, in fact, I did technically get my labels slightly wrong the very first time I came out, and everything turned out okay in the end.)

So, maybe coming out puts an undue pressure on finding specific labels and making sure they're exactly right; maybe coming out should also be able to be "I'm not cis/straight". What do people think?

(This is not to say that specific labels are bad, because they can often be very helpful! Specific labels were helpful for me when I used them, and their existence can spark conversations and lead to new perspectives and learning. Even as I'm finding vagueness and nebulousness to be better for me right now than specific detailed labels, other people can be finding that specific detailed labels give them a sense of belonging and community and identity. But, I still wonder if coming out placed an undue burden on younger me to find all the right labels when vagueness could have worked just as well.)

[aroace-cat-lady]

You know, it took me a long time to accept I'm aro. At first I tried to convince myself I was an ace heteroromantic pal, even though deep down I knew I was just scared of how an aro identity would impact my life.

It took a couple years to accept it, some more time to feel comfortable with it. A little longer to embrace it.

I cried a lot to get to that point. I cried when I read one character I really liked (a mexican boy who died at the end) was aro. I cried the night a friend asked me out. I cried that time I found out the writer of a series I adore was aroace. An actual person, who had created something I connected to, that felt so human and tangible and real.

I've always been louder about my aromantic identity than about being ace. Because it took so much learning and growth, because I hated it and was so afraid of it and now I cannot imagine being any other way. Because with every valentine's and every birthday I remember being a child and knowing the world wouldn't be kind to me for who I was.

Because that child was so terrified of the future it was impossible to even see one.

The world still is not kind to us. I know we've faced so much hostility lately. That it's hard to see a way out of it.

So this is for those who are afraid of who they are or are mad at the world for how we are treated, that feel alone scared and bitter.

I'm feral for you. It doesn't matter in which part of the spectrum you are. I'm so fucking feral for you. Please, never forget that.

We are in this together. We are here and we are loud and we aren't alone. We have each other.

There's still so much to fight for, but you aren't fighting on your own.

Even when it feels that way.

[butthatsjustmyfilthyopinion]

One time I was with a friend and a mutual acquaintance of ours started talking about how they figured out they were aromatic but it was in the format of those “you know your aroace when” and it just keeps getting increasingly specific and targeted. I knew well and good I was acespec at the time and my friend was the out aromantic acespec, and he had more regular contact so naturally I assumed that they were talking more to him than me which is chill they were an acquaintance, idgaf. So I’m sitting there laughing along because of course I’m relating to aspects of this I’m asexual, and then it starts getting into the aromatic section and I’m like “oh no. oh no” Something about it just triggered my flight instincts, like cat jumping and climbing over furniture and hissing kind of flight. I was nervously laughing like “ha ha I feel targeted stop. stop. STOP I FEEL TARGETED HeLP” and had to actually stop myself from crawling away over the seats (we were in an auditorium at the time). anyway, that’s how I started to figure out I was arospec finally, but moral of the story it’s okay knee jerk reaction is retreat. That doesn’t always mean you’re scared. it can just mean you’re not expecting something and want to approach it on your own terms. to often I think bodily reactions are read into for emotional ones that aren’t necessarily there. My body is constantly “over preforming” what I’m feeling. My tone especially. Just yesterday I was talking with the cashier after a late shift and while I felt fine my tone was coming out so much more tired and gloomy. I asked him “how are you so cheerful on such a late night” and it came out accusatory. I wanted to apologize but it wasn’t worth it anymore. The same thing happens when I talk about something vaguely undesirable, and the opposite happens when something good happens. My body may want to sob when nothings happening, it may have pent up energy that I have no motivation to do anything with. It’s okay if your body doesn’t always match. idk where I’m going with this, but I guess if this is something you experience there’s someone around who’s living comfortably with it. Its never been a source of pain for me and I hope that it hasn’t been for you, but it can be strange to not really have the vocabulary for something and therefore not know if it’s normal or not. Which kind of circles back as to why we have labels in the first place, so we’re able to talk about these things. So yeah.

[mitamicah]

An aromantic autistic reading of Joker Out's "Bluza"/"the Blouse"

I have a few words about Bluza. The Blouse.

When I first heard the title, I felt a connection to this song yet in a very tongue-in-cheek way. Because I read the working title was a nod to the white holed sweater blouse (the slut shirt) Bojan forgot at Jere’s place last autumn. But then thanks to JokerOutSubs I realized that this song really speaks to me in another way.

Disclaimer: I am speaking about this from an autistic aroace point of view and as a person who has masked most their lives and doesn’t drink. I hope to explain why this matters in the post below.

The lines that especially spoke to me are these: Ja ko pijana budala Ali čaše nisam popio Jamislim da sam se zaljubio u tebe

I’m acting like a drunk idiot But I haven’t had a single glass I think I’ve fallen in love with you

As a person who has spend most my life being critical about what to say, do, and how I show of myself to people I see the drunkenness described here not as literal but as a form of unmasking. When you find that one person you feel so comfortable around that you know that they won’t leave you or care if you stop being presentable in the eyes of society.

The result is that you may seem drunk and out of character when you are close to them. Drunk as in unlike yourself but also much more yourself. You dare to be authentic and to be silly and vulnerable because this person next to you gets you. No alcohol you could consume would fill you with as much giddiness as being with this person does. There is something about this one person that just speaks to you and let you know that you are safe.

While not having been drunk myself this is what I expect is the feeling most drunk people are searching for: the experience of not caring about what other people might think about them anymore. They just exist outside time and space in a bubble of bliss.

The person in the song is that for Bojan. His bubble of bliss – his safe space.

I’ve been lucky enough to have people like that too for small periods of time. And just like the next line I have felt very strongly connected to the person in those moments thinking “is this was love feels like?”. And here I don’t necessarily mean romantic attraction/love. I mean love as in a deeper, more profound level. The love that is outside of bodily desire. It is two spirits – two beings finding a home in the other person. A home where you can be giddy and drunk without having touch a single drink.

It is no secret that I love the idea of queer platonic love. When I read this, I read it as queer platonic. I read it as beautifully strange, brotherly, romantic, and platonic all at once.

The chorus kind of develops this feeling and adds and aromantic layer to it: Baš ja Koji nisam verovao Da za nekim biću lud

Yes, me who didn’t believe I would be crazy about someone

I read this as a very much an aspec experience.

You may have gone most of your life feeling othered for not experiencing those feelings of romantic attraction the world around you constantly tell you that you should.

Then this person comes along. This person that is your haven, that you can fool around with and open up around. There’s something that seems different, seems honest and so it brings you that feeling of bliss I mentioned earlier. That feeling the world around you have tried to tell you exists for years, yet you never believed would happen to you.

You may have believed yourself to be broken or maybe the world around you too much for seemingly being crazy about love. But now in this moment of bliss, drunk without having drunk, you get it. You want to be with this person, do all the silly things the media tells you are romantic. Not because you are forced to but because it would mean spending more time with your person. And every little second you can spend with your person feels like a blessing.

That is my take on the song at least. Thank you for reading.

[musingsofanaroace]

Realizing I was AroAce

When did I realize I was AroAce?

It was in 1995, when I was eleven going on twelve. During that time, boys started liking girls (or boys), and girls started liking boys (or girls). And the conversations evolved to include discussions about crushes, dating, kissing, and gossip. And I was totally lost. Never had I experienced this thing called a crush, nor did I have any interest in dating or kissing anyone. For a little while, I thought everyone had lost their minds.

So I did what I always did when in a situation incomprehensible to me: I analyzed it to death. I wrote down all the incongruities between me and my peers. I never had a crush and had no desire to French kiss anyone. In fact, it sounded quite gross. Swapping spit with someone seemed unsanitary and unnecessary. But having their first kiss seemed to be the only thing the girls in my year wanted to talk about. And when they got older, the obsession turned to sex, which I really didn’t understand. Why would anyone want to engage in that activity other than for reproductive purposes? With these facts, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t desire sexual stuff. Since I didn't know about the existence of the word asexual, I invented my own: nonsexual.

I defined nonsexual as someone who doesn’t experience crushes or desire sex. I know that this definition is quite limited and only describes asexuals who are sex averse or sex repulsed. But at the time, I didn't know that asexuals could be either sex neutral or sex favorable.

Once I figured out what to call my lack of sexual attraction, I moved on to romance. I knew I felt no desire to go on dates, hold hands, or get married. The whole process seemed like a waste of time and effort. In the time it would take to go on a date with someone, I could have spent that time doing something more productive. Like washing my clothes or reading a book or playing a board game with a friend. And watching couples get romantic in front of me, whether in the movies or in real life, always gave me the ick. In all honesty, this entire romance thing truly baffled me. Since I didn’t know the term aromantic, I dubbed it nonromantic.

At the time, I defined nonromantic as someone who doesn’t experience romantic feelings toward other people. And surprisingly, this definition aligns pretty well with that of aromantic.

What was my reaction to being AroAce?

I just accepted it. Never did I feel a desire to fit in, and peer pressure never impacted me. I had a fiercely independent and strong-willed personality. Also, I always stuck out like an odd duck, and I just embraced this identity. What else could I do? I definitely didn’t know at the time that I had AuDHD.

And another factor, I had just started puberty and with that came gender dysphoria. I didn’t have the time or energy to freak out about both my sexuality and gender. And since gender had confused me the longest, that’s the one I continued to obsess over. 

When did I discover the term AroAce?

While doing my undergraduate degree, I discovered AVEN and the term asexual. I also learned that sexual drive differs from sexuality and that the term “sex averse” described me the best. (Note: A sex averse individual doesn’t mind if others have sex; it’s just not for them.) 

While doing my graduate degree, I discovered the term aromantic. I also learned about the different types of attraction one can experience. Shortly after that, I found the term that resonated with me the most: AroAce! 

What was my coming out experience?

I don’t really have a pivotal “coming out” moment. When I realized that I was AroAce (nonsexual and nonromantic), I simply talked to my madre about it. She just accepted it. Then I talked to my padre. He didn’t understand it, but at the the same time, he didn’t make a big deal out of it. To be honest, I didn’t even know at the time I was doing a thing called “coming out”. I was simply sharing a discovery I made about myself, and I felt comfortable telling them about it.

Do I feel apart of the lgbtqia+ community?

When I first came out as AroAce (nonsexual and nonromantic), the initials were lgbt, and I didn’t realize that I belonged to the community. I didn’t realize this until I discovered AVEN. At uni, I tried to join a rainbow alliance, but the members didn’t consider me “queer enough”, so after attending one meeting, I didn’t return.

Now, I do consider myself apart of the community, but I still don’t feel comfortable entering queer spaces. I know that I shouldn’t allow my one negative experience to hold me back, but I do find it hard to get over past rejections because I have rejection sensitive dysphoria (ADHD). I’m working on it and one day, I may attend my first Pride. Who knows?

Do I want a queer platonic partner?

I don’t really know. Perhaps? But in my forty years, I haven’t met (in real life) another “out” person on the A-spectrum. So right now, it doesn’t seem likely. Mayhap in the future? I guess only time will tell.

And this concludes how I realized I was AroAce. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

[the-aaaaa-battery]

Heyo! I have a question. Well, i wouldn't be here if i didn't, you get the point. How did you realize You were all of the stuff you are?

Well it definitely took a long time - a lot of questioning and doubting and worrying and all that.

Some of it was easy, like aroace. I noticed that I had a lot of different views on romance, relationships, and sex than what the people around me did.

Demialterous and neptunic were a lot harder to figure out. It took me a lot of research of labels, and when I got a crush on someone, I started seriously doubting my aromantic identity until I discovered alterous attraction. I’m a little less sure about neptunic, but for now, I think that’s the label that fits me best.

I think I started feeling like not my AGAB around 7th? grade. I felt some dysphoria that I had misidentified as “just being weird.” I used lots of different labels, such as demigirl, cassgender, and genderfluid, before settling on agender. I realized somewhere along the way that I didn’t feel like I fit anywhere on the gender spectrum. That I was disconnected to gender entirely. This led me to believe that I was agender - I simply did not have a gender at all.

In the end, these are the labels that make me feel good about myself! They feel like they fit, so I use them.

I hope I answered your question! And have a good day :D