#cw: eating disorder recovery

[clone-anon]

Take Care of You (Tech x Plus Size Fem Reader)

I don’t normally title these, but for some reason decided to on this one. Also, it got a tad long, so 

Word Count: 752

CW: discussion of eating disorder / disordered eating and recovery

I got a request for Tech with a reader who has a history of disordered eating (I’m not going to get into the specific definitions of that versus diagnosable eating disorders).  This could be read with the relationship being romantic or not. I am not including the long ask from anon because I wanted to include a content warning first.  The reader is also plus size (although I use the term ‘fat’ in a descriptive, non-derogatory way) and there is some discussion about how that changes how people approach this topic versus if it were for a thin person.  Reader uses self-depricating humor at one point.

Tech knew something was not quite right, although it took time for a pattern to emerge and for him to do some research to solidify his worries. You seemed to eat relatively little when you were with the group, but you were still eating. There was plenty of food, but you wouldn't get up to get something in the middle of the day when your stomach growled.

"It's okay," you would try to joke when anyone brought it up, touching your belly rolls, "I have plenty in reserve."

The boys always sent you a look, but didn't want to try to force anything on you. Until, that is, Tech started to notice how you were losing focus and other things seemed to be harder for you. He approached you carefully, taking your hands and telling you he had something important to talk to you about. You were about to make a joke. He could tell, and his mouth twitched in worry as you both sat down.

He took a breath and said, "Please know that I am saying this because I care and so does everyone on this squad. I have spoken to them and we are all concerned, but do not want you to feel ganged up on, so to speak."

You looked at him, clearly uncomfortable and pretty sure you knew where this was going.

He continued, "You joke about issues around food and eating, but cyare, we are concerned that you are not eating enough. I know you say you are a picky eater, but it is not that, is it?"

You looked down at your hands still in his and shook your head.

"It's just that I don't feel I've earned it," you quietly replied.

"You do not feel you have earned food?!"

You nodded. Tech let out a huge sigh and rubbed his thumb across your hand.

"You do not have to earn food. You must eat when and how much your body needs. Can you tell me why you feel this way?"

You started to let your secrets out slowly, but then once you got going, you let it all out. How you were always told your species should look a certain way or be labeled gluttonous, slow, and lazy, regardless of their true abilities and characteristics. How, if you were thin you would be diagnosed with an eating disorder, but since you were fat everyone always asked how your diet was going and you’d just accepted you needed to diet all the time, regardless of how hungry you got. You’d learned to ignore your body’s signals.  You told him how that only added to how low you felt. And how you didn't want to let anyone down by being the size you were. How you were sometimes even shy about things like being touched because you felt so untouchable, so unlovable for being in the body you were in.

Tech shook his head and responded, "I am holding your hands right now and I promise there is nothing unlovable or untouchable about you. In fact, I want to give you a hug."

You started crying and reached for him. He held you and gave you an extra squeeze. He gently described the experience of hugging you while giving you all the time you needed.

"You feel soft and strong and wonderful and beautiful. You are someone I care about deeply and I am sorry others have not bothered to notice."

You pulled away and looked at him with the first real smile you'd had in ages. It was tentative and small, but there.

Tech took a breath and added, "You know what you are describing is disordered eating? You are hurting yourself, cyare."

You looked down again and nodded.  You knew you were hurting yourself, but it had become a way of life at this point.

"I know it takes time to form new habits,” he said, “but we are here for you. You are worthy simply because you are a living being, and you deserve to eat what you need and want. You do not have to be some vision of whatever others want. Please do not be cruel to yourself."

You nodded.

"The things you tell yourself, if you would not say it to me or my siblings, then you should not say it to yourself."

He held your hands again and looked at you, making sure you were really absorbing his message. Change took time, but you would get there and Tech would be with you the whole way.

[bitternanami]

something i think is really interesting about dungeon meshi is the cast's respective views on food as the story progresses. the way many adventurers get through the dungeon is to eat when they Must, but mostly rely on healing magic to keep going when they're tired or beaten down. death is something you can buy your way out of, here.

having these lower stakes when it comes to running yourself too hard has made a lot of people in this setting kind of devalue food and what it does for you.

im not all the way through the manga yet, but so far i really like how it goes about debunking that mindset.

long post under the cut, cw explicit discussion of disordered eating. textual depiction of unhealthy methods of dealing with it. please be cautious!

it seems like to most folks, food is either a decadent luxury, like when the governor offers mr tance a feast as a show of power and wealth, (although he is the only one who actually eats in that scene as he talks about his ambitions);

[id: the governor and mr. tance talk politics and hierarchies, while the governor eats from a bowl. mr. tance's meal is not visible behind a speech bubble.

"so you believe the sorceror is an elf?" he asks.

"i can't say with absolute certainty," mr. tance replies, "but the spells are not ones dwarves and humans typically use." /end id]

like the painted-royal feasts laios tries to partake in that never actually nourish him...

[id: laios, fresh out of the living painting feast, surprisedly holding his grumbling stomach /end id]

or, to the working class, it's pretty much exclusively fuel. i'm thinking about the scene where kabru's party, ostensibly intended to be our view into how adventuring Typically goes for most people, is shown preparing to go to the dungeon by like. walking up to someone and ordering 'a weeks' worth of rations.' purely functional.

[id: kabru enters a store, and the merchant says "welcome!"

kabru says "i need a week's worth of rations for six, and two days' worth of water."

"sure thing." the merchant then reaches behind him and grabs a large cube-shaped package, wrapped in nondescript cloth and tied in place. it thumps onto the counter in front of them both. /end id]

when kabru hands mickbell his food for the trip, he complains about how heavy it is on his back. it's a necessary liability.

we also see chilchuck, in an early chapter where there isn't much food to go around, grumbling about how he used to be better at not noticing when he was hungry. he's frustrated that he's more attuned to his bodily needs, now that he's starting to fill them with regularity.

[id: chilchuck, the only one awake, sits in his bedroll and glares at the timekeeping-candle burning down in front of him while he listens to his stomach growl. moving to find his canteen and fill himself with water instead, he thinks to himself, "my stomach has gotten weaker. i used to be able to go two days without food." /end id]

(like im not even gonna lie this is a big mood. the healing process is really really annoying)

even laios, early on, working out the logistics of going back for falin, considers his expenses and ultimately the thing he decides to save money on is their food supply. like, even the guy most invested in eating as an experience kind of just assumes he will Figure It Out. its what hes eating, not how hes eating it that matters to him at that point.

[id: marcille looks down at the ingredients they've gathered, the walking mushroom and the scorpion in an unappetizing heap on the ground, and asks laios "so how exactly do we eat them?"

he responds "let's just cook them, like normal." /end id]

but its here that senshi introduces the idea of food as art and as healing. its exciting and its fascinating for laios, getting to taste the creatures hes been reading about and fighting, but i dont think it would ever really help him feel full if not for this.

[id: three panels of laios tasting the scorpion hotpot, looking stunned, and then excitedly telling senshi "delicious!"

senshi matches his energy, asking "isn't it? isn't it?" /end id]

pictured: guy who had resigned himself to kind of just doing his best rediscovers the joy in something tasting really fucking good

what they did last time isnt going to work. falin is gone, and constantly anesthetizing their pain and healing through their weakness is no longer a realistic option for the party. in order to make it through they must all relearn how to eat well, one by one and as a group over and over again, because its either that or nothing.

one of my favorite depictions of this idea thus far is when marcille is seriously low on health and mana, and both of these problems are mitigated by taking care of herself, and trying to get iron and protein

[id: marcille, looking sickly, wakes to laios saying, "marcille, marcille, can you sit up? we've got something nice for you."

she watches senshi grill pieces of kelpie liver on a low fire, while laios ties a bib around her neck. /end id]

and drinking a bunch of dead water spirits. she gets the idea, she's supposed to get in nutrients and it'll help her feel better, but in aiming for the quick, inefficient fix, namely chugging that shit down like she heard it was good to Stay Hydrated and decided that would be the thing that fixes her,

[id: marcille throws back a cup of boiled undine-water, her face red. laios asks, "do you really need to drink it that fast?"

she gasps out "...the magical energy stored in nature spirits is actually quite hard to absorb. even if you drink a lot, the majority of it is excreted without being absorbed," and takes another drink. "that's why i need to drink as much as i can."

laios says weakly "you'll get water poisoning," but marcille only stops when senshi puts a hand on her shoulder and says,

"it's easier to absorb nutrients if ye digest them with food. that's a fundamental rule of nutrition."

marcille says, "senshi..." contemplative

and he holds out a bowl of tentuclus and a thumbs up. "let's get cooking!" /end id]

she doesn't immediately realize the answer is that she needs more than that. she's been working hard. she needs care, and she needs nourishment.

once she gets that, though, she makes her boiled water into a stew, and she works to make that stew as good as she can, and everyone can have some.

because in dungeon meshi, to feed yourself or allow yourself to be fed is treated as performing a kindness for yourself. food is what propels you, but there is also an art and a joy inherent to the process of making it; in the way you feel when you've had enough to eat.

[id: senshi watches as chilchuck and marcille eat and excitedly hash out plans.

"i've got a good feeling about this! maybe it'll work out!" chilchuck says

marcille responds, "well it's easier to feel optimistic on a full stomach!"

senshi smiles, proud. /end id]

^^^ i want to put this image on my wall

when you're working through disordered eating habits, you really do have to keep learning this shit. (in my experience, learning about cooking is one of the best ways to do so.)

i'll have to see if my thesis holds up as i continue, but i think one of the reasons the portrayal here resonates with me so hard is that ryoko kui puts most of her characters at eye level with me on this. they're all working at it, too. the text and i are both commiserating, and encouraging each other, 'have some more, you'll feel better.'

[dumbbitchdisaster]

I hate living in extremes

Its either starving or binging

Its either full recovery or full relapse

I can’t go in between, it feels like failing if I do

[tebte]

Ana i love u but stop ruining my friendships please

[randommothsvents]

🚫Pov:🚫

My subconscious trying to decide what (unhealthy) coping mechanism to do tonight

[thelunarsystemwrites]

[TW Eating disorders of multiple kinds, like BED, Bulimia, and ARFID!]

(Also mentions of weight, guilt, food/eating!)

So... you know the bad time trio? Y-Yeah so uhm... like I migh'tve thought of something. Like another way to torment them.

So I might've thought of a real stupid AU, where I gave them each an eating disorder. (All coming from my personal experiences.)

So starting with Horror, he has BED, which stands for Binge Eating Disorder. Something he developed as a result to being in the underground, and starving for so long—He tends to think with a scarcity mindset. He finishes his food even if he's full, and a lot of foods are trigger foods for him to start binging. Also, he tends to hoard.

Killer, is suffering from Bulimia. I haven't quite decided why he does it, so I'm also going to go with trauma response. Like he constantly feels empty, he needed to feel anything else. And, listen—Only takes one time purging to get addicted to it. (<- speaking from experience there, I very much regret September 16th.)

Dust has ARFID, which stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. For him, it's a huge mixture of guilt and delusions that causes him such distress. He'll look down at many certain foods and can't stop thinking of someone he's dusted, can't stop seeing it as something he should not eat. It's textures, smells, tastes, looks—Which. He's dropped a concerning about of weight due to this.

Now, the thing is after the murder time trio figured out they're all terrible at eating. You wanna know what they did?

*Sharp inhale*

They formed a pack, one that was basically to help each other out when needed. If Nightmare or Cross (<- not an ED, but he does have an exercise addiction) ever got suspicious, they'd cover for each other, make up excuses when Dust wouldn't eat or why a whole pack of chips was gone the next morning after just being bought.

As for Nightmare... he is, incredibly suspicious of these three. He feels embarrassment and shame in the air when he asked who ate of last of something and it almost always comes from Horror.

He feels emptiness and frustration that comes shortly after Killer excuses himself from the table, Killer always excuses himself first.

And he feels sadness, fear, and guilt from Dust anytime he picks up a fork, fear.

And he doesn't know how to handle it, or what to do. They all look so... tired, and so exhausted and dinner time is so awkward and he hates not knowing what's wrong.

So the story would focus on Nightmare trying to get to the bottom of it, and once he figures out what's wrong, he'd ne focusing on trying to help them recover.

Now, he's not entirely sure how be would help them recover, but he's getting there.

AU credits!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Shoutout to those for whom holidays are a binge trigger. Shoutout to those who are struggling to enjoy their treats in moderation. Shoutout to those who feel they must hide their eating patterns from their closest loved ones this year. May this time next year bring you more peace.

[thequeerlibrarian]

It's snowing so I'm wrapped in blankets, drinking winter tea, reading an anti-diet book

[spaghettimakesflags]

Binge Eating Disorder pride flag

[0-0cloud0-0]

I miss my honeymoon period.

Everything was perfect and easy.

[dumbbitchdisaster]

Sitting through the discomfort of eating sucks

But living with an ed my whole life would suck even more

[bipolarmango]

I hate how bad medical doctors are with eating disorders, how limited their understanding of EDs is, and how much it circles around one's BMI.

I have suffered from anorexia (both restrictive and binge-purge) and orthorexia since I was fourteen years old in 2004. While I have sometimes gotten better, even for years sometimes, I have never since had a healthy relationship with food, and I have been sick for years at a time. However, I have never been sick enough to end up in a hospital. At lowest, my BMI was 17 (178cm/55kg or 5'10/121lbs) which, for me, meant that you could count every single one of my ribs and my tighs were the same size than many people's arms because I had no body fat left. When I tell this to doctors, though, they just say I was a "bit slim" but still "normal".

Because doctors don't consider me never having been skinny enough being a real anorexic and because orthorexia is not a real diagnosis (many doctors have even suggested to me that it's an ideal way of living because they have no idea what kind of a hell it is to live with, really), they don't take it seriously when I say things like "I don't want a medication that causes weight gain because of my ED history" or "I can't go on a super restricted diet because of my ED history" or "I think like this because of my ED history". I have even been told, multiple times, that I don't have an ED history. That I don't have an ED, even when I have starved myself for days, weeks, and months, counted calories, purged everything I've eaten, starved myself to the point of passing out when I've had to do things like walking, cut everything out of my diet, done nothing but exercised and thought about my diet and exercise plan, hated myself for eating, defined my entire self-worth by my weight, been so afraid of food that the thought of if has made me sick, been so obsessed with exercise that I've cried when I've been hurting and it's been time to exercise and I just couldn't skip it.

What I try to say, I guess, is that I would appreciate if doctors would educate themselves in different body types and in how EDs (even anorexia) are not defined in just being super skinny but being fucking preoccupied and obsessed with food. It's not normal. And thanks to my team of insensitive doctors who put me, a recovering ED sufferer, on meds that made me gain 25kgs (55lbs) and fuck up my metabolism despite me begging for them not to, and then telling me that I just need to eat less and exercise more to drop the weight, I'm now back in the point where I don't eat, or where I want to binge-purge, or where I run and look my reflection in every reflecting surface and tell myself I'm a disgusting pig who doesn't deserve anything good in life, and who literally cries everytime there's a need to put on clothes that are not oversized sweats or look myself in the mirror, and yet my medical team just keeps reminding me that I need to drop the weight and eat less.

I had somehow pulled myself out of this (mostly) and found a balance (somewhat) where I exercised and ate and was (mostly) happy with myself and then a fucking MEDICAL TEAM pushed me back into a full-blown eating disorder because they didn't believe I had an eating disorder in the first place. What a fucking time to be alive.

(I'm not even joking. I'm being told to take weight loss meds. I'm being told to do a restrictive diet. I'm being told to count all calories. I'm being told to do exercise I hate. I'm being told to cut out whole food groups and all treats. I'm being told to avoid eating out. All the things that are super bad for someone with an ED are being recommended to me by my medical team.)

[butterflyig]

What you eat in private,

you wear in public.

[sickpunk-selfshipper]

CW: mentions of disordered eating

Hey you, yeah you, your F/O wants you to know it’s okay to get microwaveable meals

They are proud of you for getting yourself a ready-made meal

Your F/O just wants to make sure you are eating in the first place

They asked that you please don’t feel ashamed, it’s a good thing you are eating

Eating a ready-made or microwaveable meal, even just a side serving, is nutritious and they are glad to see you do that

Your F/O would love to cook with you but you saving your spoons is also important

Your F/O wants you to know they are so, so proud of you for getting yourself a simple meal

And please don’t worry about leftovers. Your F/O knows you ate what you could. They are just happy to know you are sustaining yourself

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

This is a recognition post for people who have atypical EDs, multiple EDs, or multiple EDs that aren't typically seen as "going together." For people who had to figure out for themselves that what they had was really an ED, who have no representation, who are still figuring out their own paths toward healing because mainstream ED treatments haven't worked their ED into recovery programs yet. You are all valid and I hope you find your way to recovery and self-love.

[totes-magotes]

hot take: i dont get how people can LIKE their 3d's?? i get it, its coping. but its okay to feel disdain towards your literal illness, i know i do. dont think u have to enjoy any of it or that its gunna make u happy, its not in your control