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#drivers and all updates checked
pear-pies · 2 years
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do you have any new daniel johns/ silverchair scans? btw i love your page!! <33
Hey, thank you! I think I've scanned most of my silverchair mags (covers) but I'm sure there's a bit more in kerrang to come.
Unfortunately nothing at all coming for the next little while until I get my computer fixed. 😭
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andrevasims · 7 months
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ohmygdfffdofdikj
It was CAS CC. My sim kept crashing the game after returning from Sophomore final exam because of the clothes she was wearing. grah.
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crimmson · 9 months
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between my computer deciding to rebel, and work, and life, and I feel like I have a perpetual minor cold with that kinda slightly stuffy feel and that taste in the back of my throat,
I am kindly requesting someone to just Old Yeller me at this point
#the computer one is pissibg me off particularly because i Just built this shit two years ago#then i do a driver update a couple of weeks ago and start noticing that now if i game and watch a stream at the same time#some windows process starts choking the fucking life out of my CPU after a couple of hours#and after following a chain of looking shit up i get to ghe event viewer#and there's just a nonstop parade of errors for typically one or two things#at this point i drag my dad in because im out of my depth#i do some more shit. i update and reflash the bios. i check drivers 500 times. i reformat the drive and reinstall windows from scratch.#even if it seems okay for a bit it eventually starts shitting out errors again.#they are either about DeviceGuard or complaining about the network#i look up some more things! i find some references but they tell me to turn off or on some things that are already enabled or disabled.#we begin thinking theres something wrong with the network part of the motherboard#i have an adapter we grabbed from work to try when i get home.#if that doesnt work then i am buying a new motherboard cpu memory and cpu cooler#because if im going to have to fucking replace shit then i might as well upgrade#part of me wants to keep the old stuff and set up a new computer and try troubleshooting because puzzle. and i hate not knowing WHAT PART#SPECIFICALLY is fucked#bro i am so TIRED#i JUST did the math a few weeks ago and was like YES if i live on ramen for a few pay cycles i will pay off my credit card and start saving#to put toward my student loans when those start up again. and my computer went 'lol thats cute'#like i am deathly afraid that i will replace all this shit and it'll STILL have this issue#like. it's useable. i could live with it. but it's clearly not normal behavior and that's what bothers me. something is clearly wrong.#not to sound old but remember when shit just fuckin worked#like i sat there for 5 hours yesterday trying different shit. finally thought i had fixed something. go to bed. wake up.#STREAM OF ERRORS for the network thing again every few minutes while i was asleep.#what are you DOING. what is WRONG WITH YOU.#my dad is looking over my shoulder at the event viewer like 'that looks like a SQL statement but why is it failing etc etc'#EXCELLENT QUESTION AND I ONLY UNDERSTOOD THREE OF THOSE WORDS! why is my computer sick!!#no it's not a virus. i promise. i was raised better than that#it FEELS like something fundamentally broke. it feels like a hardware thing. but how. what fucking demons did microsoft summon#in a driver update. that went into my computer and physically broke my shit
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strawberri-syrup · 2 months
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my favorite thing about my laptop is the monthly Issue that i have to spend several hours troubleshooting. this months is the touchpad freaking the fuck out
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vivanightcity · 5 months
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haven't done step number one of restarting my computer yet
but started up 2077 and it was a dang slideshow. It was barely reacting, awful. Even when I lowered the settings way below what I've ever had them at, to see if that would help, it was still like dragging and jumpy and off.
added and changed nothing since last few times playing - only cosmetic stuff gets added and removed for different characters so i was futzing a lot yesterday to get Cai sorted, but not since.
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pucksandpower · 7 months
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hiii! with the chaos that was today’s career, could I request one with driver reader that she started telling her team that she wasn’t feeling good but still wanted to continue but the next moment she isn’t answering her radio because she fainted in the car and the car goes out, the marshals take her out of the car and she doesn’t wake up, maybe she has extreme dehydration and is hot to touch, etc.
How the other drivers react when they found out, her team, etc.
Thank you
Too Hot To Handle
Max Verstappen x Red Bull driver!Reader
Summary: the Qatar Grand Prix pushed every driver to the limit … and some past the limit
Warnings: heat stroke, dehydration, crash, medical conditions
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The Lusail International Circuit hums with electric anticipation, its asphalt ribbon shimmering under the floodlights. The roar of the crowd fills the night but the oppressive heat weighs on everyone, creating a contrasting atmosphere of excitement and cautious apprehension.
Standing alongside your Red Bull Racing car, you wipe a bead of sweat from your brow. In only your first year with the reigning double champions, you already have a record that has quickly become the talk of the paddock. But for all the praise and whispers, there is one voice that stands out.
“Remember, liefje, it’s not just about speed tonight. Keep hydrated, alright?” Max’s voice is full of warmth and concern. His hand rests gently on your arm.
You flash him a confident smile even though you’re battling your nerves internally. “I’ve raced in heat before, Maxie. I won in Singapore. I’ll be fine.”
He pulls you into a quick embrace, the temperature doing little to dampen the spark between you. “It’s different here. This heat ... it’s like nothing I’ve ever raced in before.”
Pulling back, you raise an eyebrow teasingly. “You worried about me, Verstappen?”
He laughs but there’s a hint of steely seriousness in his blue eyes. “Always. Just ... promise me you’ll be careful out there. For both our sakes.”
You nod, touching your helmet to his. “Promise.”
The intercom in your ear crackles to life. “Drivers, to your cars!”
You both exchange a final glance. Racing is in your blood, it’s what brought you together, but it also keeps you apart, if only for the few hours you’re no longer partners in life but competitors on track.
Sliding into your car, you secure your helmet and gloves. The world outside becomes a bit muffled but your focus sharpens. The engine’s purr is a familiar comfort, but tonight, it’s edged with the unease Max’s words left behind.
Your race engineer, Hugh Bird, checks in over the radio, “Everything good, Y/N?”
You take a deep breath, “As good as it’ll ever be. Let’s light up this track.”
“Give them a show.”
Lights out and away we go.
***
The Qatar Grand Prix unfolds with its usual mix of intensity and skill, drivers navigating tight turns and overtaking with precision. But beneath the spectacle, a subtle tension mounts. The oppressive heat, the stark floodlights, and the weight of expectation — all of it seems to be building to something.
In the garage and on the pit wall, your team closely monitors the race and your performance. Hugh occasionally chimes in with updates, “You’re doing great, Y/N. Remember to hydrate whenever you need to.”
You nod even though he can’t see it, “Understood. The heat’s something else in here.”
A pause. Then, “Just keep stead. And Max told GP to tell me to tell you to remember what he said.”
A smile touches your lips, “I always do.”
***
The track is a blur as you push your car to its limits, feeling the adrenaline surge in tandem with the roar of the engines. It’s as if the heat has seeped into your very core, burning with intensity. Each lap feels slightly longer, every turn a tad sharper, as the humid air takes its toll.
“Y/N,” Hugh radioes through, sounding distant and slightly distorted by the pounding in your head, “you’re P2. Great pace. Remember to sip some water.”
A trickle of sweat runs down the side of your face, stinging your eye. Blinking rapidly, you reach for the button that activates your hydration system.
“Got it,” your voice sounds foreign even to your own ears. The water is lukewarm and tastes metallic, not as refreshing as you had hoped.
“Just keep doing what you’re doing,” he urges.
With every lap, the world outside your visor seems to grow brighter, the floodlights shimmering like mirages in a desert. The race has become a battle, not just against other drivers but against the environment and, increasingly, against yourself.
“You’re dropping pace. Is everything alright?” Hugh’s concerned voice crackles through.
A knot tightens in your stomach. “I don’t know. I ...” You trail off, the words catching in your throat as a wave of overwhelming dizziness hits.
You can hear the alarm in your engineer’s voice becoming more pronounced. “Y/N, talk to me. Do we need to pit?”
The heat wraps around you, constricting, making it difficult to breathe. Your hands, slick with sweat, struggle to grip the wheel even through your gloves. “Guys ... I don’t ... feel ...” The world spins and your words falters.
“Y/N? Y/N, talk to me!”
But before you can respond, before you can even finish your sentence, the world tilts and blurs into an incomprehensible whirlwind. The sweltering heat, the relentless pursuit of victory, and the weight of expectation converge into a maelstrom that engulfs you entirely.
Your hands, once deftly steering the RB19, now hang limply by your sides. The car veers off the track, careening towards the barriers. Panic rises in you but it’s too late. Your body refuses to act.
The deafening sound of metal against metal fills your ears, followed by the nauseating sensation of impact. The world outside your cockpit twists and spins, a kaleidoscope of colors and chaos. Then, abruptly, it all goes dark.
In the garage, your team watches in horror as the monitors show the violent crash. The radio falls silent, the connection severed. In that heartbeat, the world goes eerily quiet, punctuated only by the distant echoes of screeching tires and the blaring alarms.
Moments pass like hours and finally the static on the radio clears, replaced by your frantic race engineer, “—please respond. Y/N? Are you okay?”
But there’s no response. Your world remains shrouded in darkness as the circuit comes to a standstill, gripped by an eerie silence that drowns out even the most deafening of cheers.
The track is plunged into chaos. Red flags wave fervently, signaling danger. Marshals rush towards your wrecked car, their fluorescent jackets contrasting brightly against the night.
“Get her out! Get her out!” One of the marshals shouts as they reach your car. Your limp form is carefully extracted and they begin immediate first aid. The severity of the situation is clear — the heat, the dehydration, it’s all taken its toll.
The crowd watches, a collective gasp filling the air soon replaced by a thick, heavy silence. As your unconscious form is stretchered away, the weight of all those warnings crashes down.
Back on the pit wall, four words whispered into the radio are the first of many about to turn your boyfriend’s world upside down.
“Safety car, safety car.”
***
“Max, we’re pitting this lap. Box, box,” the calm, steady voice of Gianpiero Lambiase, Max’s race engineer, instructs over the radio.
Max’s voice is curt, his mind still on the race. “Why? Tires feel fine.”
“Non-negotiable. Safety car is out. We need you to pit now.”
The urgency in GP’s voice is not lost on Max and he immediately senses that something is wrong. “What happened? Why is there a safety car?”
Silence follows for a heartbeat too long. “There was an incident. Just focus on your race.”
An icy dread seeps into Max’s bones. The circuit is massive yet his world feels terribly small at this moment. “Who was it? Who crashed?”
His engineer hesitates, and in that pause, the weight of a thousand possibilities presses on Max.
“Who. Was. It?”
GP wavers, “It’s … Y/N.”
Max’s breathing becomes ragged. Panic and fear flood his system. “Why the hell wasn’t I told immediately?”
“It was team orders. The decision was made to keep you focused on the race.”
Max laughs but it lacks any humor. “Team orders? You’re saying Christian decided not to tell me that Y/N ... my Y/N is hurt?”
“Yes,” the reply is uncharacteristically soft, “It was believed to be in everyone’s best interest for you to be fully focused on the race.”
Max has never felt such white-hot rage. He spits into the radio, seething with fury and pain. “You tell Christian that if he ever makes a decision like that again about someone I love, I’ll cut his balls off with a rusty spoon.”
“Max, I understand you’re upset. But right now, we need you to stay focused.”
Stay focused? When the love of his life is in potential danger? The weight of what that means presses down, threatening to crush him. “I need to see her,” he finally rasps out, voice breaking.
The plea hangs in the air, met by another long silence. Finally, the radio clicks on again, softer than ever. “Y/N would want you to finish. You know that. Win this for her.”
Tears blur Max’s vision, mixing with the sweat already pooling in his helmet, but he nods, a silent assent. The roaring engine now sounds distant, the glinting lights a backdrop to the storm that rages within him. Every second is an eternity, every turn a test of his resolve to keep racing. But Max drives on, pushing his limits for you.
Every fiber of his being silently screams your name, a prayer or a promise or both, Max doesn’t know. All he knows is that the faster he crosses the finish line, the sooner he can be with you.
For the world watching, the race continues, cars whizzing by. But for Max Verstappen, each lap, each second, is a race against his own heart, torn between duty and desperate love.
***
“Her pulse is erratic! Get the defibrillator ready!” A medic shouts as the emergency team frantically works around you, the ambulance parked haphazardly nearby.
Another voice, calmer but filled with urgency, counters, “Wait, give her a moment. She might come around.”
“Come on, Y/N,” A young medic mutters, pressing an oxygen mask to your face. “Don’t do this.”
The ambulance door opens again, the head medic speaking into a radio, “We need an airlift, now. The situation’s deteriorating rapidly.”
Another voice, muffled, replies, “The helicopter’s on its way! Clear the area.”
As the medics continue to administer aid, working desperately to stabilize you, the chief medic tries to maintain order, “Every second counts. This heat stroke is severe, coupled with dehydration ... it’s a nightmare scenario.”
“We should have had more cooling stations,” the younger medic mutters. “The humidity coupled with the heat ... it’s brutal tonight. And we’re not even the ones out there driving.”
The older medic takes a deep breath. “That is on the organizations. We can’t fix there mistakes but we can focus on what happening now and do everything we can to get her through this.”
The thrum of helicopter blades soon overwhelms the noise of the circuit, growing louder as it approaches. Soon, the bright light from its landing spotlight punctuates the night. “The helicopter’s here!” Someone shouts.
“Alright, team, on three,” the chief medic commands. They work in perfect sync, lifting you carefully but quickly, your body still unresponsive.
As they approach the helicopter, the pilot shouts over the roar, “We’ve got the best onboard. She’s in good hands.”
“She’s one of our best,” the younger medic shouts back. “She has to be okay.”
The chief medic, securing you inside, murmurs more to himself than anyone else, “Come on, Y/N. The race isn’t over. Keep fighting.”
***
“You expect me to smile and stand on that podium knowing she’s been airlifted to a hospital?” Max’s voice trembles with rage as he confronts the FIA officials blocking his way.
“Mr. Verstappen, there are rules, procedures,” an official replies stiffly.
“Rules? Y/N might be fighting for her life right now and you want to talk to me about rules?” Max’s hands clench and unclench as he physically holds himself back from throwing a punch.
Another official steps forward, trying to mediate, “Max, we understand your feelings but millions of viewers are watching. The podium is an essential part of the race.”
Max’s eyes flash with anger. “You think I care about a trophy when my girlfriend is in a hospital? Do you really think that piece of metal means anything to me right now?”
“We sympathize— ” the first official begins but is cut off by Max’s heated response.
“You sympathize? Do you even know what that word means?” He’s on the verge of breaking, voice barely above a whisper as he continues, “She is everything to me. Everything. And you want me to smile and wave for the cameras?”
The air grows thick with tension. The two drivers from McLaren waiting for their cue to go to the podium are silent, their eyes darting between Max and the officials.
A new voice interjects , “Let him go.”
It’s Lewis Hamilton, who despite DNFing early in the race, made his way across the paddock after seeing the distress on his rival’s face. “There are things more important than a ceremony.”
The officials exchange glances, clearly not expecting this intervention. But before they can reply, Max levels them with a final scathing look. “Fine me if you must! Penalize me! Suspend me for all I care! But I am going to her.”
And off he goes.
***
A nurse at the desk recognizes Max immediately when he runs into the hospital. “Mr. Verstappen,” she begins hesitantly, “Miss Y/L/N is in the ICU. Room 302.”
He doesn’t need any further prompting to sprint down the hall. Reaching the room, he stops dead in his tracks. You’re there, surrounded by machines that beep and whirr, tubes running to and from you, an oxygen mask on your face. The sight of you, once so full of life, now frail and vulnerable, breaks him.
His voice, when he finally managed to finds it, is a choked whisper, “Y/N ...”
Approaching the bedside, Max gently takes your hand, feeling its clamminess. “Hey, liefje ... it’s me,” he murmurs, pressing a tender kiss to your knuckles. His tears fall freely, wetting the back of your hand.
“Come on, love,” his voice cracks as he continues, “You’ve got to pull through this. For us.”
He brushes a strand of hair from your face, tracing the familiar curves and lines he’s come to adore. “Remember that time in Monaco? When we snuck out for that secret dinner that our trainers would have killed us for? We promised each other forever that night. You can’t leave me now. Not when we’ve got so many more memories left to make.”
The room’s silence is punctuated only by the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor in a cruel reminder of the fragility of the moment.
“I love you so much,” he murmurs. “Please ... please come back to me.”
Leaning in, he rests his forehead against yours, allowing the weight of his anguish, love, and hope to flow between the two of you in the sterile room.
***
Nothing has changed. The steady beep of the heart monitor still punctuates the silence of the hospital room. Max sits vigilantly at your bedside, his hand gently clasping yours.
It’s been three days since the crash and you still have not woken up. The doctors say your condition is stable but uncertain.
Max leans in close and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Morning, liefje. I’m still here. Not going anywhere.”
He brushes a strand of hair from your face, his touch impossibly gentle as if you might break. In the stark hospital lighting, the dark circles under his eyes are visible. Sleep hasn’t come easy to him, not with you lying here.
A soft knock at the door draws Max’s attention. Hugh pokes his head in hesitantly. “Hey, Max. Any change?”
Max shakes his head, swallowing hard. “Nothing yet. But she’s fighting. I know she is.”
Your race engineer steps further into the room, his expression solemn. “I should have seen the signs earlier. Pushed her to hydrate more. Slowed her pace.” His voice catches, “It was my job to look out for her.”
“This wasn’t your fault,” Max says firmly. “Y/N is stubborn. We both know that. She wanted to prove herself.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips. “It’s what makes her brilliant.”
Hugh pulls up a chair on the opposite side of the bed. For a moment, the two men sit in pensive silence. Then your race engineer speaks again, softer this time. “Has she ... has she responded at all? Squeezed your hand or anything?”
Max clenches his jaw and stares past Hugh at the blank wall. “No. Nothing yet. But I know she can hear me. I tell her about training, the team ... I update her on everything. She’ll want to jump right back in when she wakes up.”
Footsteps approach and a nurse enters, checking the equipment and your vitals. After making some notes on a chart, she offers an encouraging smile. “No change but she seems stable. Just keep talking to her. Familiar voices help.”
After she departs, Hugh leans forward, clasping your still hand. “Hear that, Y/N? You’ve got to wake up. The team needs you. Your fans are all rooting for you. And ...” His voice cracks. “I need my driver back.”
Max looks at him gratefully. “We all need her back.” Reaching out, he gives your race engineer’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.
Another knock sounds. This time, it’s Christian. His face is etched with guilt and worry. “Max. Any improvement today?”
Max’s expression hardens. He hasn’t forgotten Christian’s decision to withhold news of your crash. But his voice remains even as he responds to the team principal. “Nothing new.”
Christian pulls up a chair next to Hugh. He chooses his next words carefully. “Max, I need to apologize. I made the wrong call that night. You deserved to know immediately about Y/N. My priorities were skewed.” His voice shakes slightly. “Seeing her like this ... I would give anything to go back and change what I did.”
Max studies him for a long moment and some of the hardness leaves his eyes. “I appreciate that. But right now, the past doesn’t matter. All that matters is her getting better.”
Christian nods. Reaching out, he gently smoothes your hair. “You hear that, Y/N? We’re all here for you. Your whole team. Now you need to come back to us.”
A heavy silence settles on the room once more. The three of them remain clustered around the bed … keeping vigil … willing you to show any small sign of recovery.
After some time passes, the ringing of Hugh’s phone snaps the three men out of their thoughts. “Sorry to interrupt,” your press officer’s voice filters through the speaker, “but the team’s on the line. They want to send their well wishes to Y/N.”
Hugh glances at Max questioningly who nods, “Patch them through. Let the whole team remind her why she needs to wake up.”
A smile tugs at your race engineer’s lips. “You got it. Go ahead, team. She can hear you.”
A chorus of voices floods the room. Your mechanics, pit crew, strategists, PR team … everyone chimes in with encouraging messages.
“Come on, Y/N! We need our star girl back on the grid.”
“You can do this, kid. You’re the toughest one out there!”
“We all believe in you. Keep fighting!”
Max grips your hand tighter, emotions threatening to spill over. Even Christian and Hugh have sheens of tears in their eyes.
“Alright,” your race engineer says after the team signs off. “You heard them. Time to wake up.”
And that’s when Max feels it. A short, weak squeeze of his hand.
Then your eyelids begin to flutter.
“Y/N?” Max leaps to his feet, leaning over you anxiously. “Can you hear me?”
Slowly, painfully, your eyes open, taking in the scene around you. Confusion clouds your expression. “M-Max?” You rasp.
A brilliant smile breaks across Max’s face. Relief floods through him so powerful that his knees nearly buckle as he chokes out, “Yes, yes it’s me! You’re back, liefje. You’re really back.”
Hugh lets out a shaky laugh, scrubbing a hand across his face. “Welcome back, superstar.”
You try to speak again but Max hushes you gently. “Save your strength. We’ve got all the time in the world to talk.”
Christian grins, looking years younger. “Oh thank god. I need to tell the team. They’ll be thrilled. Welcome back, Y/N.” He hurries from the room, phone already in hand.
Your race engineer squeezes your shoulder. “Get some rest. We’ll all be here when you wake up.”
As he and the nurse move discreetly out of the room, you gaze up at Max. “You ... you stayed.”
Max lifts your hand to his lips, blinking back tears. “Of course I stayed. I’ll always stay by your side.”
He leans down, pressing his lips against your chapped ones. All the fear, the uncertainty, the heartache of the past few days melts away.
You’re back. You’re really back. And Max knows, without a shred of doubt, that your lives from this day on will be greater and more meaningful than all your wildest dreams.
***
In the following days, drivers from across the grid make the pilgrimage to your hospital room. They come bearing gifts — flowers, balloons, even a nearly life-size plush race car. But more importantly, they come bearing a message.
“That race should never have happened,” Lewis says solemnly, handing you a get-well card covered in signatures. “The heat was dangerous. We should have acted sooner.”
Esteban grips your hand tightly. “I’m sorry, Y/N. We should have spoken up about the conditions sooner. We all suffered but you suffered most.”
“Your crash woke us all up,” Lance adds. “No trophy is worth risking drivers’ safety even more than we already do each race.”
You’re moved by their solidarity but sigh knowingly. “The FIA would never have listened to just one driver saying something. But maybe they’ll listen to all of us.”
Max’s jaw clenches, residual anger simmering beneath the surface. “They have to listen. We won’t race in unsafe conditions again.”
The other drivers nod, They know the power that you all wield together and for the first time in a long time, you are going to use it.
In a show of outspoken unity, the GPDA drafts a strongly worded letter condemning the lack of caution around extreme heat and demanding tangible changes to make sure drivers aren’t put in avoidable jeopardy.
All twenty of you threaten to strike.
To your surprise, the FIA not only apologizes for the oversight but pledges to implement the requested changes immediately.
“Your crash was a wake-up call,” the FIA president says solemnly during a visit to your hospital room. “We should have protected you better. That will never happen again.”
When he departs, you let out a long breath, leaning back against the pillows. The anger and hurt from that night haven’t disappeared entirely but you feel a sense of hope, that some good has come from the experience.
Max clasps your hand between both of his. “What you went through is unacceptable but you used that to make the sport safer for every driver out there. I’m so proud of you.”
You give him a tired smile. “We did this together. All of us.”
He presses a kiss to your forehead. “Get some rest. When you’re better, we’ve got plenty more checkered flags to take. Side by side.”
The long road to full recovery still lies ahead. But with Max by your side, and all the drivers behind you, you know everything will be okay.
The race goes on but it will be a safer race thanks to you.
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strawb3rry-tea · 1 year
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bro why is minecraft so meannn
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solaireverie · 13 days
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sv5 | that lavender haze
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summary: [ florist!sebastian vettel x f!driver!reader — social media au ] your florist husband spoils you with his creations
faceclaim: phoebe tonkin
author’s note: seb the love of my life <3
[ masterlist / guidelines / lola's masterlist / series masterlist ]
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liked by sebastianvettel, lewishamilton, mercedesamgf1 and 35,201,234 others
yourusername catching the waves 🏄🏻‍♀️
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sebastianvettel Ich liebe dich 🥰
↪ yourusername can't wait to be home with you again 💗
ausgp can we keep you down under please? 🦘
↪ f1mia back off 🦅🇺🇸
user mother AND mommy omg
mickschumacher can you teach me how to surf instead 🙏 lewishamilton doesn't understand that not everyone is naturally talented at everything
↪ lewishamilton i don't know what to tell you, mate 😂 keep calm and keep your balance, it's all chill
↪ mickschumacher easy for you to say 🙄 you're not the one drinking seawater every five minutes
yourusername has added to their story
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liked by yourusername, mickschumacher, charles_leclerc and 124,129 others
tagged: yourusername
sebastianvettel Welcome home yourusername ❤️ the flowers missed you and so did I 😉
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user i love how y/n's husband's instagram is basically just a fanpage for her 😂
↪ user nah you can't forget the flowers ‼️
↪ user seb loves two things in life and they're his flowers and his wife 😌
user i don't even go here but i'm all for the golden retriever and black cat vibes 🤭
mickschumacher seb i have a bee problem in my backyard...
↪ charles_leclerc you know you could just text him right 🙃
↪ mickschumacher he checks his phone once every three months if your name isn't y/n l/n-vettel 💀
↪ sebastianvettel and I'm not ashamed of it 😄 but what can I help you with?
↪ mickschumacher a colony of bees moved into my garden 😅 i don't mind them but is there anything i should watch out for?
↪ sebastianvettel As long as they're not being overly aggressive you shouldn't have any problems 👍 keep me updated though
↪ mickschumacher thanks seb you're a lifesaver 😊
yourusername thanks for the flowers schatz 😘
↪ user ugh they're so Parents 😭
liked by charles_leclerc
↪ user charles liked your comment 😂 i guess even the drivers agree
↪ landonorris you didn't hear it from me but seb and y/n are the unofficial official grid parents
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liked by mickschumacher, lewishamilton, yourusername, and 23,109,234 others
tagged: sebastianvettel
mercedesamgf1 We have a special guest this weekend at the #JapaneseGP 🐝 sebastianvettel is here at Suzuka to promote biodiversity and build some bee hotels with the drivers 💪
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charles_leclerc Appreciated the art tips 😉
user this man 😭 "what do you think about this weekend's race?" "well obviously my wife is going to win everything"
↪ user as he should honestly
↪ user when you're in a "being a wife guy" competition and your opponent is sebastian vettel 💀
kevinmagnussen Thanks a lot Seb 😂 the kids want beehives now!
↪ sebastianvettel Glad to know that someone was listening when I was giving my talk about the role that bees play in our ecosystem 😔
↪ landonorris in my defence someone brought cookies and i was hungry...
↪ sebastianvettel you are 24 years old, Lando
↪ user why can i feel seb's disappointment through an instagram comment 😭
yourusername sometimes i wonder if he'd leave me for his bees 😂
↪ lewishamilton don't worry, you can crash on my couch if he does. roscoe needs a permanent babysitter
↪ yourusername two decades of friendship and that's all you see me as?
↪ lewishamilton let me by during the grand prix and i'll think about it
↪ yourusername mercedesamgf1 i'm telling toto
↪ sebastianvettel I would never leave you for bees, liebling. Clean energy, on the other hand...
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liked by sebastianvettel, lewishamilton, susie_wolff and 132,293,402 others
tagged: sebastianvettel
yourusername Happy anniversary, my love 💐 12 years and counting
view comments
user the bouquet emoji because he's a florist omg 🥹
user my favorite thing ever is how 5-time wdc y/n l/n-vettel's husband is Just Some Guy who's completely smitten with his wife and makes her all the bouquets she could ever want 😭
↪ user they're like cottagecore addams 😩 i adore them so much
↪ user COTTAGECORE ADDAMS HELP 🤣🤣🤣
susie_wolff Congratulations and our best wishes!
↪ yourusername thank you ❤️😊 the same to you and toto!
sebastianvettel I'm the luckiest man in the world to be able to call you my wife and partner 💗 You're P1 forever, especially in my heart
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likes and reblogs are appreciated!
taglist: @scenesofobx @vellicora @boiohboii @julesbabey @flannelforthetoads @misartymis
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eternally-racing · 4 months
Text
keep her safe | lando norris
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pairing: dad! lando x wife! reader (+ their teenage daughter!)
genre: fluff & angst-ish
warnings: racing crash, reader/lando's kid is in the hospital, some swearing
wc: 1.4k
summary: Nothing prepares you for the feeling of watching your daughter's first crash in formula 3.
note: this fic can be read as part of the racer girl series or as a stand alone as well!
----
Lando always hated pulling the “I’m a celebrity” card when you two were out in public. He's never wanted the special treatment that companies wanted to give him before, but the minute he sees his daughter crash in her first Formula 3 race, he’s trying to pull out every trump card he has to get his way into the medical tent. 
“That’s my fucking daughter in there, you can’t keep her from me! This is absolutely insane! I’m Lando fucking Norris, don’t you know who I am?”  Lando is yelling and yelling and you hold him back by the wrist because otherwise you think he might actually charge at the door to try and get through it. 
He more than anyone here knows what a bad crash looks like, and from the minute he saw your daughter, Piper, go into the barriers he knew that it was a rough one. There’s cameras swarming around you both but he doesn’t care (It’s not like he was a PR team’s dream when he was a driver himself). That’s his little girl in there and she’s hurt. There’s now a full commotion in front of the medical area and Lando admits defeat as he sinks back into the wall behind him and crumbles to the floor with you following suit. 
“She’s afraid of needles, Y/N.” Lando says no louder than a whisper towards the shut doors “Who’s gonna tell them that she’s afraid of needles if I’m not there?”
You know that if she’s in a state where they’re not letting you see her and she’s being transferred to the hospital that she likely has already gotten a lot of needles and wasn’t conscious enough to feel them, but you keep that information to yourself once you see the worried look on Lando’s face. This exact moment is something you two had worried about ever since your little girl first stepped in a kart, and somehow it was worse than you had ever imagined it would be.
By the time you and Lando make it to the hospital it feels like hours have gone by, even though in reality it hadn’t been more than a handful of minutes. Lando’s never been more grateful for his success when a nurse recognizes him and immediately guides you both in the direction of Piper’s room. He’s not sure he would’ve been able to make it through a conversation right now anyways. 
The scene inside is every parent’s worst nightmare. There are lines going in and out of Piper’s arms and bags of fluid are hung next to her bed; there are too many machines beeping and showing numbers and graphs that you just can’t understand. You feel Lando’s knees buckle beside yours and you keep an arm around his waist to keep him steady. You both need each other right now, there’s no doubt about that. 
When Piper cries out for her daddy from the hospital bed it brings a fresh set of tears to your eyes. You can’t remember the last time Piper actually called Lando daddy, it had been “dad” for the most part or “Mr.Norris” if she felt like being cheeky, but hearing those words from her mouth brought you right back to when she was a little girl, your little girl. 
Lando rushes to her side and has both hands caressing her face. He knows that she’s been checked over by the doctors, but he needs to see for himself that she’s really okay. He presses his forehead against hers as they cry together. You’ll never fully understand what Piper’s just been through, but the man standing in front of her does all too well. 
You hang back a bit to talk to the doctors, who try to give you a comprehensive update on her status, but as soon as you hear the words “she’s fine and on track to make a complete recovery” you zone out as you finally let out the breath that it feels like you’ve been holding this whole time. You’re about to go rejoin your family once you hear the next words out of your daughter’s mouth.
“I’m sorry dad, I know this meant a lot to you.” Piper sighs as she pulls the hospital sheets up to her chin.  “Did I at least make it around a lap? Am I the youngest ever female formula 3 driver to complete a lap in a grand prix?” 
This is when Lando has to face the music - he got so excited about his daughter dreaming of Formula 1 that he may have pushed her a little too far if his daughter is more worried about beating records than she is about her own health. Lando tries to calm his own breathing as he grabs both of Piper’s hands to lay on his own to get her full attention. He wants to make sure she fully understands what he’s about to say.
“You’re always going to be my little girl, Pipes. Racing or not, I am always proud of you. I never want you to feel like you have to impress me.” Lando doesn’t even answer Piper’s question about the record because frankly he has no idea. He’s never once cared about awards and prizes and all of the fancy shit. All he’s ever wanted is for her to be happy, and he tells her exactly that. 
Piper stops crying long before Lando does, and you’re amazed by the maturity your daughter shows as she starts wiping the tears from your husband’s eyes. You all just need a little family cuddle so you do exactly that, and take a moment to appreciate the lives that the three of you have and how precious that is. The sentimental moment is only broken by your daughter, who says that she has a little request for the two of you. 
“Do you think you can ask the doctors if they can give me the good stuff that you got back in Vegas all those years ago, dad?”  
Moments like this remind you that Piper is her father’s daughter and it earns a laugh from you both. 
“Not a chance, kid, but good try.” 
For the first time in what feels like years, the 3 of you sleep in one bed together. It’s one teeny tiny hospital bed made for a teenager, so you both wake up with extremely sore backs but very full hearts. Piper’s the first to fall asleep, understandably spent from the day she’s been through, but you notice Lando’s eyes never leave her, as if he’s worried she’ll disappear if he looks away. You reach over to grab his hand, you get it. Call it parental instinct, but that feeling of anxiety after something bad happens to your child is just something you can’t push away, and you want him to know that you’re here for him. You both wordlessly take turns watching over Piper throughout the night, holding her hand through blood draws and med deliveries. 
 Lando spends all day and night at Piper’s side while she’s recovering, and it’s only when you and your daughter tell him that he smells absolutely horrendous and needs to go shower do you finally get him to take a beat for himself. He still calls 3 times on the drive home from the hospital alone to check how Piper’s doing, and you have to threaten to not pick up the next time he calls before he finally takes a bit of a break. So often it feels like children drift away from their parents in their teenage years, but Piper’s recovery has given you both the opportunity to spend some much needed time with her as she grows up. 
The minute Piper is cleared by the medical team she’s instantly back in the simulator. She’s a little daredevil like her daddy after all. Lando of course asks over and over again if she’s doing this for herself and not him, the fear of making the same mistakes as earlier weighing heavy on his mind. Your daughter is nothing if not honest, so she tells him about how she loves the sport itself but also loves the way she’s able to connect to her dad through it. Lando makes her pinky promise that she’ll let her know if she ever changes her mind on the subject, and lucky for you both, she never does.
---
author's note: this was based on a lovely request from a reader! if you have any requests feel free to drop them in my ask box :) If you liked this piece and haven't read racer girl yet, give it a read because I'm sure you'll love that one too!
Until next time! - Em <;3
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caesium-55 · 1 month
Text
—seven days. [ vi.iii ]
pairing: max verstappen x manager! reader.
summary: as the third time world champion, max verstappen's manager, you function on the belief that whatever max verstappen wanted, max verstappen shall get. but this time, after four years of working as his manager, you can't give him what he wants anymore and that was to stay.
author's note: updating bc i love yall. lol jk i dont want to study for my engineering management long quiz yet. sum1 yell at me to start studying or smth.
tags: @whatamidoingwithmylife-ramdom @eugene-emt-roe @bellezaycafe @barnestatic @theseerbetweenus @wcnorris @notyouraveragemochii @lpab @vildetry06 @a-beaverhausen @formula1mount @loloekie @alucardsdaddyissues @juky-ps @cassianswh0reeee @devotedlycrookeddonut @amberpanda99 @supermaxv1 @evie-119 @spideylovin @harianaswhore @formulaal
masterlist.
The Abu Dhabi Grand Prix 2021 is a little dramatic in Max’s opinion. Some would say controversial. A lot of restarts. The issue with the safety car. Hamilton and Verstappen goes neck to neck. 369.5 points to 369.5. In the end, Verstappen overtakes Hamilton and wins the 2021 World Drivers' Championship.
The team celebrates with him after winning and in the sea of Red Bull employees, Max searches for you.
He won! Max Verstappen won! He’s a WDC now! He finally made truth of the world he told you in 2019.
Kelly appears and kisses him square on the lips. Max sees you in his peripheral vision, pulling your ball cap lower on your face before turning around and leaving. He wants to call you but Kelly keeps him in place.
Max visits your hotel room later, all happy and he holds the canned bottle of beer to you when you open the door.
“I’m not the sour loser anymore.”
You smile at him and Max feels like he’s on top of the podium again.
“Told ya you’ll be champion one day. Congrats, champ. Very happy for you.”
Champ.
Max decides that he likes Champ over every name you call him.
2022
you: go to fucking sleep u degenerate gamer
you: its 3 in the morning you have a race at 8
max: youre not my mother
you: i am ur manager u ass
you: and i have ur mom’s cell no
you: i will fucking call her if ur stream doesn't turn offline in ten seconds
you: 10…
max: you wouldnt dare
you: 9…
He moves into a penthouse at the beginning of the year and purchases a jet, Dassault Falcon 900EX, to make the traveling easier. Flying commercial absolutely sucks, even first class.
When he mentions the money he spent; the penthouse rental cost, the price of the jet plus maintenance of the private plane service, you have stood up and went to the balcony to stare at the Monaco scenery to gather your thoughts. Max laughs as he watches your brain overheat. He tells security that you’re to be given an immediate pass into the building and his penthouse without the need of going through the strict security checks. He gives you a keycard that you barely use because you knock on the door every single time you come by. A month later, Kelly and Penelope move in and this is the beginning of the little family charade.
“What are you doing?”
“Is it not obvious?” you gesture to the iPad in your hand. “Readin’ a Lestappen fic in AO3.”
Max’s brows furrow.
“Lestappen?”
“The ship name between you and Charles. Lestappen. Leclerc, Verstappen, Lestappen,” you say as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and he’s stupid for even asking, waving your hand in a complicated flourish. “It’s good. Top-tier literature. Want me to send you the link?”
Max’s nose scrunches, “So there are people who ship me and Charles?”
“You’d be surprised.”
“Romantically?”
You nod, “Want the link?”
“Absolutely not.”
You shrug your shoulders.
“Your loss.”
Max wins P1 (as things should be) in Austin, Hamilton P2, and Leclerc P3. The team holds a private drinking party in the hotel bar. Max sits with Leclerc, whom he has invited, and Lando, who came with Daniel, and Daniel because he’s Daniel and he still gets a free pass in Red Bull parties even though he’s in McLaren now.
Daniel passes him a bottle of Heineken and Max searches for the bottle opener on the table but it's nowhere. He reaches for you, who sits on the neighboring table with the PR team. Max grabs the hem of your polo shirt sleeve and tugs slightly to get your attention. He opens his mouth to ask if you’ve seen the bottle opener but you got to moving, not even giving Max the chance to speak.
Without even interrupting your conversation with the PR people or even breaking eye contact with the person who is talking animatedly, you take the beer bottle from Max’s hand, toss a hand towel on top of it, then you use your teeth to remove the cap. It opens with a loud click. You wipe the rim of the bottle, pocketing the bottle cap, before returning the Heineken to Max.
Max looks at the Heineken bottle in his hand.
You know, Sophie, Max’s mother, always say that there's a certain type of intimacy existing when two people are able to communicate without the use of words. People associate intimacy with bare skins and basking in the fragility and vulnerability of a person, but intimacy goes deeper than mere nakedness and showing all the bare parts of you to the other person. Intimacy comes hand in hand with truth. When you admit your truth to the other person, that's intimacy. Her knowing his truth, his needs, without him telling her. That's another kind. If that's not the purest form of love then he does not know what is.
Charles pats his shoulder to pull him to reality.
At that moment, Max decides he’s an asshole because he just realized that he likes his manager after she opens his beer bottle and he has a fucking girlfriend now.
Max wins WDC for the second year in a row. Leclerc is at second and Perez at third. He’s on the top of the fucking world. Everything feels right now that he’s standing at the top.
His eyes search for you in the crowd but he doesn't find you. Only Kelly. He kisses Kelly, celebrates with the team, and visits you in your hotel room later with a cold can of beer in hand. It's a little past midnight, his watch tells him. You open the door seconds after Max knocks.
“Have you talked to Horner?” you ask, accepting the beer and opening it. The loud click when you open it feels satisfying in his ears.
You’ve changed out of the Red Bull polo now and instead, you wear a black shirt.
“No,” Max shakes his head.
“When will you?”
“Soon.”
That's the only truth he can offer. Because the bigger truth is this: Max doesn't want you going anywhere, not even the engineering team who works closely with him. He only wants you here, beside him, behind him, at all times.
One more year. One more year and he's going to tell Christian to move you to the engineering team. One more year to have you and he’ll let you go.
(That's what he told himself last year, too.)
“Okay,” you nod and it relieves Max that you’re not arguing with him about it. “Congrats, Champ.”
You don't fly with him to Monaco. You don't fly with the team either. Instead, you fly to Texas immediately straight from Abu Dhabi. Max calls you once in the middle of break to greet you happy holidays and you mail him his gift—a clay keychain figure of him. He adds it to his keys, sitting right next to the beaded keychain you gave him back in 2020 and a bottle opener keychain in 2021.
2023
“Should I break up with Kelly?”
Your head snaps up at a speed that should be considered a hazard, stunned. You give Max a look that can be translated as: Did the g-force finally catch up to your brain?
“What prompted this?” you question, slowly setting Max’s laptop aside. You’re working on fixing his laptop’s wifi connection while he’s getting his makeup done for the Heineken ad filming. Once the makeup artist deemed him done and left the room, he immediately took the chance to ask the question.
“Nothing,” he lies.
“I’ll throw away your laptop if you don't tell me the truth,” you threaten.
“It's just—” Max pauses. His mouth feels dry. He licks his lips before continuing, “It’s just… I don't know how to explain it. It feels like I don't love Kelly anymore.”
I think I love you, [Name].
“Aight,” you grab a monoblock chair and drag it until it's right beside Max’s chair and plop your ass down. You sigh deeply before your face schools into complete seriousness. “Can't believe I’m the one givin’ you this talk. Uh, Max, you see, in a relationship, you typically experience this period called the honeymoon phase.”
Max nods slowly. He doesn't know where you're trying to get at but he clings on each word that leaves your mouth.
“The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from months to years and when it's done, the strong feelings and infatuation you have for Kelly decreases and that's natural. This is the stage where your bond with Kelly is strengthened,” you explain. “It's not all sunshine and rainbows. It can get boring. But the love is still there. It's just…well, less intense than before.”
He wants to ask if this happened to you and Leo as well, but he bites his tongue and says a different thing instead, “You give advice like a relationship guru.”
“Baby, I have a long list of ex-lovers. Kelly’s your first girlfriend. You don't have a say.”
Your birthday is near. Daniel shares to Max that he’s buying you a new ball cap this year, signed by your favorite professional billiard player. Max needs to give you something better.
He thinks about the things you like. He makes a list. It's a short one.
Beer
A spot in the engineering team.
Your family
He cannot give number three. He cannot give what you already have. He can give you number two but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want you to be anything other than his manager. He can give you number one but it'll be very lame of him if he gives you beer for your birthday. What is better than Daniel’s gift? What would you like more than a ballcap?
Max calls his sister that evening.
“Shoes,” she says. “Oh wait, that's a little hard. You might get her shoe size wrong.”
“She’s size 7. In Euro, 37,” Max states a little too quickly and a little too sure.
“How did you know her shoe size?” Victoria wonders.
“I don't know. I just watch her feet?”
“So, you estimated her shoe size by watching her feet like a creep?”
“I watch her feet a normal amount, Victoria,” Max insists.
“Max, I can't even tell my husband’s shoe size even if I stare at his feet for hours.”
“Maybe you just suck at estimating measurements.”
Max ends up getting the shoes with Victoria’s help. Victoria gets too irritated with him midway because he is too indecisive. He thinks all the shoes that’s displayed do not suit you.
It's not even this difficult when he’s picking shoes to give Kelly. Normally, he just asks the saleswoman to show him the most expensive or the latest in their stock and he buys it, instructs the storespeople to wrap it up and make sure the brand shows because Kelly likes it when the brand is big and bright and attention-grabbing.
“If you think nothing’s pretty enough then go get a custom made shoe,” she advises and then sighs in exasperation. Victoria shakes her head at him. It's not supposed to be a serious suggestion but Max takes it to heart.
Instead of black, Max goes for white. You rarely go in white clothing but when you do, you become so beautiful that Max has to stop himself from kneeling down in front of you and risking everything.
It has pearls and diamonds and satin. All beautiful things that reminded Max of you. Max wants, no, needs to see you put them on. He’s the one who puts it in a box. White-colored with peach stickers and a peach-colored ribbon.
Max plans to give them to you after he wins the Miami Grand Prix. But your family arrives just as he’s about to retrieve it from his driver’s room.
Max meets your family. A family that consists of happy parents and three brothers. You are your family’s unica hija.
Julio [Last Name], your father, is a big man and his accent is thicker than yours and he doesn't call you by your name, only the most affectionate-sounding mija. He reminds Max of a giant teddy bear. A giant teddy bear who crushes rocks for a living.
Your mother, on the other hand, is a stern-looking woman. Sally, her name was. She’s short, compared to you and her sons and her husband.
You have three brothers. One older—you call him Damiano. Two younger—Rafael and Dominic. You are more your mother than your father, Max notices. Appearance-wise anyway. Damiano, too. Sharp-looking, both of you. Your sharpness makes you look charming whereas your Damiano’s sharpness makes him look intimidating. Your two younger brothers are carbon copies of your father, a little round and with kinder looking features.
“Papa, Mama, Bro one, two, and three, this is Max,” you introduce him, smiling widely and you're doing that smile where you’re showing too much gums and your eyes are shaped like crescents. Happiness looks good on you.
He lets out an oof sound when your father engulfs him in a hug. Max hears you exclaim: “Papa!”
Max laughs and waves his hand to tell you that the hug is fine and is very much welcomed.
“Congratulations, Maxwell!” Julio claps Max’s shoulders.
“Papa, please,” you shake your head at your father’s antics. “It's just Max.”
“Ya want to join us for [Name]’s birthday?” Julio invites. Max catches your eyes. You mouth a no but Max shrugs and says, “Sure.”
Max joins the family dinner. It's held in a Mexican restaurant somewhere downtown. Originally, your family reserved a table for ten. But Max has gone ahead and reserved the entire restaurant by paying upfront. You slap Max’s hand but Max laughs and says, “Happy Birthday [Name].”
Over dinner, Maxs learns that Rafael, Dominic, and Damiano are the biggest motosport fans so they all talk about Formula One and occasionally MotoGP. He finds out that they're a big fan of Marc Marquéz. Max tells them that he knows Marc personally and shares his experiences with the man. He promises to send them the man’s signatures. You tell him that he doesn't have to. He tells you that it's his pleasure.
Max listens in attentively as Julio narrates his amazing tales about his work experience. You laugh at the surprised Pikachu face Max makes when Julio is telling the entire table about the creepy call he responded to just the other month. You and your mother occasionally join in on the conversation but are more comfortable with listening to the boys.
Later, you stand up to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Max stands from the table five minutes after you leave. He’s drunk too much soda so now he needs to take a piss.
“Are you okay?” Max asks as he catches you reapplying a layer of lipstick—a shade of nude rose—on the sink in front of the washroom.
You hold the lipstick in one hand but the other is holding your right arm, palm covering the word MANAGER printed on the sleeve of your Red Bull polo shirt like it's something to be ashamed about.
“Yeah.” A lie.
The rest of the night goes the way Max wants it. He almost wishes it won't end.
Kelly waits for him in his hotel room. She gives him a gift for winning P1. The shoe box in Max’s backpack remains untouched.
He’s got every country except Singapore, Saudi, and Azerbaijan under his belt. His third WDC is secure even if he loses Abu Dhabi, but Max is selfish. He still wants a P1 in Abu Dhabi so he fights and fights until no one can catch up because of how fast he was.
Kelly comes with him this time to watch him race and support him because it's the final race of the season and she also knows that Max is going to win WDC this year. P is over at her father right now so it's just the two of them.
“Babe!” Max looks up from his laptop. Kelly comes running in and Max’s eyes widened, horrified, when she sees that Kelly is holding it.
The white shoes.
Max stands abruptly. The laptop in his lap falls to the floor and shatters. He curses and crouches down to pick it up and save what he can save. When he looks up, Kelly is sitting on the bed now and is trying the shoes on. Max shoves the damaged laptop aside and strides towards her. He’ll deal with the laptop later.
“That's not—”
“Oh?” Kelly’s face morphs in confusion. “It doesn't fit.”
Kelly chuckles yet it sounds empty and dread pools in Max’s stomach.
“You bought me shoes many times already. There’s no way you’ll get my shoe size wrong.”
Max takes the shoes from her hand quickly and he puts them back carefully in the box.
“That's not for me,” Kelly states.
“It’s not for you,” Max echoes.
“Then who’s it for, Babe?”
Max doesn't answer. Instead, he avoids her gaze.
“Max Emilian Verstappen, who’s the shoes for?” Kelly is seething now.
For the first time in their two nearly three year long relationship, Max and Kelly get into a screaming argument. They get into arguments as all couples do, but never ones with screaming and crying and too much anger in one room.
“I can't go on like this anymore,” Kelly cries. “I can't. I let it go when you made me wait because you celebrated her birthday with her family. I let it go when you made her that crochet bag. I let it go when you bought a billiard table and brought it into our home because she likes playing billiards—”
“I tried breaking up with you!” Max roars and he sees Kelly flinch. “And you told me not to. You used Penelope so I wouldn't break up with you—”
“Do not even say my daughter's name—”
“It's true!” Max throws his hands in the air like a man gone mad. “I told you in fucking July that I think I’m losing feelings for you! You told me to not break up with you because Penelope already thinks of me as her father and it’ll break her heart if I kick you out of my house! I am NOT her father, Kel, her father’s Daniil! You only want me because I can give you everything you want! Money, pride, and a fucking father figure for your child!”
Kelly strikes his cheek. Sharp, fast, and strong. Max remains still in shock and stares ahead.
Kelly has officially become the second person in this world who has raised a hand at Max.
“I hate you,” Kelly utters it with so much intensity. “I hate you. We’re done.”
She leaves quickly.
Max’s phone buzzes.
you: hey champ. race is on in an hour n a half. u good to go?
max: yeah
max: i’ll be there soon
you: i’ll wait for u
max: you always do
Max races with the guilt that he's a cheating asshole. His mother will not be proud of it once she learns that her son has dated a girl and idiotically realized that he’s in love with his manager halfway through the relationship.
Despite the emotional turmoil that swirling inside him, Max takes P1 and becomes a third-time WDC. He celebrates with the team. You excuse yourself, saying you have something important to do, and Max doesn't bother asking you to stay because he knows he’ll visit you in your hotel room later with a cold can of beer. It’s become your ritual now.
He drinks with Daniel, Yuki, and Checo. Five bottles in, he spills everything. He pukes. It tastes disgusting. His world turns into a hazy blur. You came to his rescue because that's what you always do.
Max is so dumb for taking so long in realizing that he's in love with you. It's always been you. You and your dumb considerate attitude and your snarky personality and your crude mouth. He never realized how horrifyingly enormous his desire for you is until its right there in front of him with its mouth wide open, ready to swallow him whole.
you: landed
you: thanks for the jet
you: talk soon gotta get to papa 1st
max: ok
max: stay safe
max: your dad will be alright dont worry
you: i hope so
It has been seven days since the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, three days since you left Monaco, two days since your last conversation in Instagram, and a day before Max flies to Belgium to celebrate the holidays with his mother and sister and his sister’s family.
max: are you okay?
max: just landed in belgium
max: mum and vic says hi
max: hey it's been a week now
max: is your dad okay?
max: im worried
max: call me soon please
max: happy holidays
max: or merry christmas
max: whatever you celebrate there in america
max: yeah i greeted a little too early
max: you didn't answer my call
max: im friends with logan now by the way
max: we talk at times
max: im trying to get him into sim racing
max: maybe it'll help him improve
max: happy holidays
max: i called your cell
max: you know christian just told me something funny
max: he sent an email this morning with a list of candidates for my 2024 manager
max: he said you resigned
max: very funny
max: please tell me you didn't
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c0wb0ylikem3 · 7 months
Text
Grown Up
•summary: in which y/n l/n soft launches her boyfriend with a sushi date
•authors note: this is grammar checked or anything don’t come at me
•pairings: (lando norris x fem!reader)
y/n.l/n
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y/n.l/n about last night 💓
user1 RUE WHEN WAS THIS?
user2 didn’t expect for my heart to be broken today but okay
carlossainz55 🤍🤍
user3 WHAT?? YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY SAINZ
landonorris please give me a trigger warning before you give me a jumpscare
y/n.l/n grow up 😚
user4 i really wanted y/n-lando to be endgame but carl-y/n doesn’t sound too bad…
user5 honestly y/n deserves someone who can eat fish
user6 leave lando alone he’s just a baby
danielricciardo how’d you get him to go?
y/n.l/n kidnapped him it was pretty easy
f1.updates
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f1.updates F1 wags spotted with Y/n L/n. Rumors started to stir as Y/n went on a date with Carlos Sainz. However she has not been spotted with Carlos all weekend but has been spotted with Best Friend Lando Norris.
user1 she didn’t confirm who she was with tho
user2 Carlos did comment a heart tho… it seems pretty suspicious
user1 Carlos and Y/n have always been friendly with each other but I doubt they’re dating
user2 someone is delulu
user3 they’re probably not hanging out because you guys are always on her ass leave the girl alone
user4 what does she expect she’s best friends with formula one drivers plus she’s a model I think she’s used to the paparazzi
user5 she looks so good omggg
y/n.l/n posted on there story
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landonorris
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Liked by y/n.l/n and others
landonorris my lucky charm @y/n.l/n
user1 WHAT
user2 so u really took her on a sushi date what a man
y/n.l/n AYYY I GOT A SHOUT OUT
landonorris im 🤏 this close to deleting this post
y/n.l/n im 🤏 this close to slapping u with a fish 🐠
carlossainz55 finally you both grew up 🙄
y/n.l/n this was all ur fault now I’m in a relationship with him 🙁
user3 the way we all denied the Y/n and Lando rumors because she posted sushi 😭
user4 if he wanted to he would.
2K notes · View notes
disneyprincemuke · 3 months
Text
of drunk regrets * fem!driver
the morning after vegas
what does one do when you have no recollection of getting married?
pairings: sebastian vettel x fem!driver, logan sargeant x fem!driver, max verstappen x fem!driver, oscar piastri x fem!driver, mick schumacher x fem!driver
notes: hi late update and that’s because i was crocheting the entire day lol
(series masterlist)
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she hums turning around, her arm landing on something solid instead of a soft pillow. she opens an eye, flinching back when her eyes land on someone’s clothed back, then groans when nausea slowly hits her.
“who the fuck is this?”
the person next to her hums. they left their head before dropping it back into the pillow. “mm.”
she looks around to the best of her ability, snorting when she realises that amidst all her drunken antics from the night before, they didn’t even end up on the bed. they’re sleeping on the carpeted floor of her hotel room.
she lifts her head, ignoring the nausea hitting her all at once. the bed is empty.
a hand comes up to nurse her head, looking down at the body lying next to her with the blanket draped over their shoulder loosely. she brought somebody back to her hotel room with her? now that’s just a tabloid rumour waiting to blow up in her face when she opens up her phone.
she leans forward, wobbling slightly, as she tries to get a glimpse of their face. her eyes widen, landing a smack on their shoulder with some force. "what the hell are you doing here?"
"don't hit me, i'm trying to sleep."
"mick! you're in my hotel room!"
"what?" blue eyes are exposed to the dim lights of the room, disappearing once more when mick shuts his eyes. "what am i doing here?"
"how would i know?" she sighs, slowly lying back down on the ground. "i don't remember anything."
"we didn't do anything... did we?"
she looks down at herself, surprisingly dressed in her pyjamas without any recollection of even making it back into her hotel room in the first place. "i hope not."
"you hope?" mick cries, shaking his head in dismay. "this is not good."
"give me a second. i need to think," she sighs, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead. "start thinking. do you remember anything from last night?"
mick also sighs, simply shaking his head. he pulls the blanket over his body and snuggles back into his pillow. "no, but wake me up when you've figured it out. i'm really hungover right now, mate."
"really? you don't think i am?"
"i'm sure you are, but– what the hell is this on my finger? when did i get a mood ring?"
"you have a mood ring?" there's a momentary pause. "oh, look. i've got one too. when did i–"
they both sit up hurriedly, hissing in pain as they point at each other with a loud gasp. "no! are you serious? did we really do that? when did we even have the time to do that?"
mick cries. "my mother is going to kill me."
"mine will kill me – i'm barely 21, mick!"
"i'm going to american jail! you're not even legal here!" he rubs his eyes. “i don’t wanna go to jail here!”
she scrambles around for her phone, eyes widening at her notifications.
SUPERMAX you and mick???
RATSELL what's ur ig post about m8?
LOWGAN when u wake up, there's a cup of water and an advil on the bedside for u also, check ur instagram
PASTRY you did the funniest thing last night.
LILLIES thanks for the free pizza wish i could've been there for the actual ceremony though? it's ok, maybe at your next wedding
ALBONO please tell me you didn't
LAW SON i think u may have sent logan over the edge cuz wtf is bro doing in my hotel room ranting to charlotte and i at 5am
MICKEY ur asleep rn i can't sleep when do u think we should renew our vows??? oh no we got married!??!??!
BLYTHE mate u got married without me in attendance??? not saying i'm offended but like seriously?
THE BETTER SARGEANT who u married to? if it's logan istg omg is it mick? i saw ur instagram
LANCE
congrats!!!
if i’d known sooner, i’d have bought you a wedding gift before landing in vegas
i’ll get one before the last race i promise
SEBASTIAN ur very funny, do u know that? text me when ur up, we should talk
MUMMY wowww let me know what wedding gift to get you you grow up so fast, my love
PAPA what is all this ruckus i'm hearing between mum and blythe about you getting married? call me.
KRISTEN (PR) team meeting asap. bring the schumacher.
she glances at mick. "my dad's going to kill you."
mick turns to her, shoulders slumped with his eyes widened in panic. "i really really hope my mother gets to me first." he shakes his head and pats around the ground for his phone. "you know what? i'll just tell her myself."
“don’t bother,” she scoffs, lying back down in the pillow sprawled on the floor. “i vividly remember you calling gina when we were getting pizza that you married me in vegas.”
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kristen chews on the inside of her cheek, scanning the group around her. "what is this? i only told you to bring mick."
the girl takes off the sunglasses on her face and sighs. "you think i didn't try telling them off? is this your first time meeting these losers? i– listen, i'm too hungover to tell them off, kristen."
"please let us stay?" max smiles, batting his eyelashes at the older woman. "i promise we'll be quiet. i'm just curious over the events of last night."
"so am i," kristen points out in a soft voice, moving her eyes over the pair seated on the couch on the other side of her table. at that point, they are the least of her concerns. "do you know the pr nightmare you just caused over a couple of drinks? do you have any idea the reckless thing you just did?"
"please don't shout," she says softly, eyes closing. "it was stupid, we know. in my defense–"
"they shouldn't have even let us in the chapel in the first place in that state," mick sighs, shaking his head disapprovingly. “so technically, whose fault is it, really?”
“both of yours for even coming up with the stupid idea in the first place!” logan screams, pointing at them in frustration. “you made a bad decision!”
kristen glances at logan, shooting him a side eye for disrupting her meeting. when logan shrugs, she simply looks back at the married pair her seats. “you’re not even 21! you did this in america too! god!”
“and they shouldn’t have permitted it knowing that i wasn’t 21!” the young girl shrieks, immediately defending herself. this is a hill she is willing to die on. “let’s focus more on the fact that they let two drunk idiots get married instead of the fact that i thought of it.”
“you came up with that idea?” max throws his head back, hissing softly as he shook his head. “why am i not surprised?”
“right? you have to tell her how stupid she is for this,” logan rambles in frustration. “seriously! you couldn’t go one year without making a stupid decision?
she rolls her eyes, glancing at mick from the side of her eyes. he flashes her an apologetic grin and she shrugs with another eye roll in response.
“i mean, you’re an adult. you can do whatever you want, but do you know how legally exhausting the entire process will be from here on out?” max continues, throwing his arms in the air. “knowing you, you won’t like it! there’s a lot of papers to sign!”
“and paper work to read!” logan adds on. “seriously!”
“god, (y/n), how could you be so stu–“
“i came up with the idea,” mick speaks out, turning to max and logan with a small smile. “it’s not her fault, you guys. come on. lay off her a little bit.”
she shoots him a questioning stare. “no, wait–“
mick laughs. “the deal at the pizza place just looked so good. i’m not excusing it because we were drunk, but cut us some slack.”
sebastian, sitting quietly in the corner of the room, finally stands up. he folds his arms over his chest. “it doesn’t matter who came up with the crazy idea to get married in vegas.”
“you’re still not mad?” logan raises an eyebrow. “there’s got to be some part of you that is.”
“how about let me conduct my meeting with my driver in peace? unless you want to take over my job of being her pr officer…” kristen speaks out, looking around the room to shut down any more forms of interruption. she looks back at her. “let me see the marriage certificate.”
“the what?”
“you signed one, didn’t you?“
she scrunches her nose and looks at mick. “did we sign one? i really can’t remember.”
“i don’t,” mick cuts himself off, looking just as clueless, “i literally blacked out last night. i don’t remember anything.”
sebastian beams, standing a little straighter. “i have it right here! look at it, kristen.”
he puts down a piece of paper on the table. the entire room watches the woman read over the paper, lips pressed together.
a small laugh bubbles from her, grabbing the certificate into her hands and bringing it closer to her face. her laugh gets a little louder, sebastian eventually joining her with a hand over his mouth.
“what is so funny?” she sighs, rolling her eyes. “all i can think about is the shopping spree i can’t have this month over the lawyer fees.”
“and the fact that i could end up in american jail for marrying a 20-year-old!”
kristen grins, slamming the certificate down onto the table. “it’s illegitimate.”
“what?”
“oh?”
“surprising turn of events!”
“illegitimate?”
a hand slams into the table, the youngest in the room jumping to her feet. “illegitimate? what about my free pizza? how is that illegitimate? i’m not a schumacher anymore?”
“you changed your name?” oscar pipes up, roaring in laughter, covering his face. this entire ordeal has been very amusing to him.
she turns around sheepishly with a small smile. “i was planning to. how cool would it be to be a schumacher?”
“what the fuck?” logan says to her, bewildered at the thought process. “you’re not married and you’re telling me that’s the only thing you’re concerned about? not being a schumacher in the eye of the law?”
mick giggles, looking up at her with an impressed expression. “schumacher does go along well with your name.”
“i know. should we get married for realsies after this weekend and legally change my name?”
“have you learned nothing from this?” kristen throws her hands into the air. she leans back into her seat, letting out the heaviest sigh of relief as she no longer has to engage with any legal teams. pr wise, it would be easy.
she shrugs, sitting back down into the cushioned seat. “don’t get drunk with mick in vegas.”
“first and last time i’m drinking that much with you,” mick adds on with a snort. though, there’s a small smile playing on his face as he looks at her.
they both know that won’t be the last time they’ll be sending their pr officers into a frenzy. they’re truly a force to be reckoned with.
and, it could have been worse.
“i paid for all the pizzas you ate and threw up last night,” sebastian sighs, shaking his head. “you owe me like $100.”
she nods. “okay, i’ll pay you. still no shopping spree for me this month, i guess.”
mick clicks his tongue, giving her a thumbs up. “i’ll pay him. consider it my wedding gift to you, wife.”
“she’s not your wife,” logan points out with an eye roll. “didn’t even get married in the first place, remember? illegitimate. not even a real certificate. never happened. literally no record of it.”
“i’m curious,” max furrows his eyebrows and lips pouted out. “how did you pull this off to make it seem real, seb?”
“i arrived to their ‘wedding’–“
“not real!”
“logan, cut it out.”
“–before them. i spoke to the receptionist before they arrived; they don’t let drunk people get married. i convinced her to give them the slot anyway just to teach these two a lesson.”
“impressive?” kristen smiles. “you just saved me a lot of paper work.”
“and mick the beating he’d get from her dad if it actually ever happened to go through.”
she smiles, leaning over the arm rest to whisper at mick. she taps him on the shoulder. “we should celebrate with ice cream.”
— bonus
they flood out of the office collectively, the young girl looking down at the mood ring around her ring finger. “we should keep the rings, shouldn’t we, mick? keepsake.”
“to remind you of your bad decision making?” logan questions.
“no, to piss you off.” she turns around and shoves him back gently. “of course, just to keep memory of the one time i was almost a schumacher!”
sebastian tilts his head. “you know you’ll still be you, right? even if you’re legally considered a schumacher? you won’t get his blue eyes.”
“i could,” she hums with a smile. “so, husband. watching the race from my garage tonight like a factory manufactured wag?”
“can’t, wife,” mick sighs. “i work for mercedes.”
“i could get you the second seat if you wanted.”
“you have the power to do that?” she nods. “that’s hot.”
“cut it out, you guys are making max uncomfortable!” oscar grunts, pushing the pair apart.
beside them, max has his fingers plugged into his ears and is humming softly to himself. “it’s not real, it’s not real. they’re not actually married,” he whispers to himself. “and it will never happen.”
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taglist: @wcnorris @treehouse-mouse @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mindless-rock @leilanixx @ironmaiden1313 @angsthology @cherry-piee @christianpulisic10 @elliegrey2803 @cashtons-wife @sadg3 @a10vely-yutazen @mellowarcadefun @glitterf1 @megatrilss1885 @peqch-pie @gentlyweeps-world @woozarts @darleneslane @meadhbhcavanagh @namgification @inejismywife @2bormaybenot @love4lando
787 notes · View notes
marlenesluv · 3 months
Note
Hello can you make lando x reader where landi first meet our reader as as drifting competition like someone tag him and he see reader one of contestant and he was like so shock when he he see reader do drift and be like fan-boy mode
Tokyo Drift. (LN)
hi! sorry this is a little late, i hope an smau is fine? lmk tho, i can make a little fic or hc too! i hope you like it!!
pairing: lando norris x drifter!reader!fem
summary: reader is apart of Formula DRIFT, and her fans ship her and lando. (sorry thats the summary, but enjoy!)
fc: emilia.nia
warnings: none
masterlist -> masterlist link
^ check my list for all posts! ^
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liked by: yourbsf, olliebearman, and 91,108 others
y/n.user: check my insta story/highlight for a new drifting vid in tokyo 🇯🇵❤️🤍
view comments…
driftingvids6: the car😍😍
user3: hi *louder than everyone else*
ln4edits: @landonorris needs to watch her vids! she’s so good
↳ f1fp11: frrr @landonorris she’s the best
y/nfp.88: guys, drift mom posted
yourbsf: can’t tell whats hotter, you or the car
↳ y/n.user: my tires 😮‍💨
↳ yourbsf: omg true 🤭
cschili55: she’s so pretty!! and the drifting??omg
driftqueen7: marry meeeeee
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
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liked by: maxfewtrell, oscarpiastri, and 982,194 others
landonorris: tokyooooo❤️🤍
view comments…
y/nsog.fp5: the red and white hearts? yeah, that’s our girls’ colors, we aren’t stupid mr. norris
user1: he went to go see y/n fr fr
f1updates: max and lando, our favorite duo!
maxfewtrell: i love it here
↳ landonorris: who doesn’t love tokyo
ln4quad4: cars cars cars 😍
driftingpage: who wants to bet that he went and watched y/n?
↳ y/nsogfp: BROOOO he def did omgggg
user8: now that max has a gf, lando needs a new wag
↳ drift4ever: @y/n.user ….
↳ user8: @y/n.user
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
landos instagram story:
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seen by: y/n.user, danielricciardo, and 872,103 others
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
your instagram story:
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seen by: landonorris, carmenmmundt, and 103,293 others
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Twitter:
Lando Updates @ln4updates • 3hr ago
Lando Norris is currently in Tokyo, Japan with Max Fewtrell and Max’s girlfriend, Pietra Pilao. Lando posted on his story with Y/n Y/l/n as well.
Y/n is apart of Formula DRIFT, she has been since 2019. She also drifts in Tokyo a lot with some of her friends!
Rumors are spreading that Lando and Y/n have been seen having dinner a few times this week🤔What do you think?
↳ DRIFT FanPage @fdriftfp • 3hr ago
I love Y/n and Lando so much, I think they would be a cute couple! My two fav drivers? Yes please!!
↳ Amanda @friendsenthusiast • 2hr ago
Y/n and Pietra content WHEN?!
↳ Landos Fits @ln4outfits • 2hr ago
They are really hard launching huh? But I’m here for it. I think they would be a power couple.
↳ Jackson Talks @jax99talk • 2hr ago
Sure, but…why do we have to ship them? I mean, I get they would be cute, but Y/n already has a bf. Me. So like, bye asf
↳ Gracie @gracietalksf1 • 2hr ago
LMAOOO you really got me for a second there, Jackson
↳ Jackson Talks @jax99talk • 1hr ago
Its not even believable, is it…?🤕
↳ Gracie @gracietalksf1 • 48mins ago
Nah, babe, it’s not 💓😍
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
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liked by: landonorris, francisca.cgomes, and 158,127 others
tagged: landonorris, maxfewtrell, pietra.pilao
y/n.user: new york outtakes 😉
view comments…
landonorris: 😏❤️‍🔥
↳ y/n.user: 🤭❤️‍🔥
↳ maxfewtrell: gag me
↳ pietra.pilao: getting freaky in the comments??
user3: THE EMOJIS?? THE COMMENTS?? HELOO??
y/ndriftposts: our drifting mom is j hard launching rn guys
carmenmmundt: fits are always so good!!
↳ y/n.user: ty carm <3
↳ carmenmmundt: <33
ln4edits: UGH i love them already
f1wags: we’ve arrived. so..do we add y/n to the page?
*liked by creator*
↳ user7: Y/N LIKED IT???? OMG CONFIRMED?!
ogf1fp7: needed this today tbh
alexandrasaintmleux: prettyyy❤️❤️
↳ y/n.user: you you you❤️❤️
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
your instagram story:
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seen by: landonorris, lilymhe, and 125,293 others
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
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liked by: y/n.user, oscarpiastri, and 1,281,923 others
tagged: y/n.user
landonorris: my home in three different seasons ❤️‍🔥
view comments…
y/n.user: i love my f1 driver bf
↳ landonorris: i love my formula drift gf
f1wags: WOAHHHH SHES SO PRETTY IM FLOORED
y/nfp8: MOTHER!!!!!!!
danielricciardo: finally got a girlfriend?
↳ landonorris: yes, the best one ever
↳ y/n.user: 😁
↳ danielricciardo: cheesing😁
↳ landonorris: of course she’s cheesing😮‍💨
↳ y/n.user: 🤭
user2: in love with their love
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
(reposts, comments, and likes are appreciated!^-^)
684 notes · View notes
lolokouhm · 7 months
Text
thinking about Geto, who's a really good driver. and it's not like he does some crazy shit on the road, no - he's just so calm and relaxed, tapping his fingertips in the rhythm of some slowed down remix of an obnoxiously sexual song you've decided to listen to. the car is quite old, but he made some adjustments to the speakers, so the sound coming out is full and deep, despite the fact that you're using some shitty bluetooth device to keep your phone connected.
thinking about Geto, who likes driving, but completely adores driving with you in the passenger's seat. it's just another night, same story - he texts you, then pulls up, you get inside and then the two of you drive somewhere, blasting the songs you've found on some weird playlists. these nights feel a little bit like a fever dream - you don't talk much, except for some short updates on each other's life. until you get hungry.
thinking about Geto, who quietly laughs when you announce that you're going to die if you won't get some chicken strips RIGHT NOW, so he drives to the closest KFC on the petrol station in the middle of nowhere. is his car going to be full of fries later on? probably yes. you're not the cleanest eater, but he doesn't mind. you love food and you always have this spark in your eyes when the chicken box is finally on your lap.
thinking about Geto, who turns right from the main road, just to slowly drive into the woods - this weird place that scares the shit out of you every time you drive next to it. you shiver and pout under the checked blanket you've been keeping in his car, but then he suddenly takes his hand off the wheel and puts it on your thigh and it's not that scary anymore.
thinking about Geto, who stops the car in the middle of nowhere, just so you could leave the damn chicken and get right there on his lap, complaining about the temperature in this autumn night, shivering, freezing even, but still completely willing to let him take off every piece of clothing you're wearing. his fingers do it almost automatically - he knows all of these. the hoodie you spilled the coke on last friday. the t-shirt with some rock band's logo you've never even listened to. the bra, which deserves some respect for still being able to hold on, despite the fact he's ripped it off of you so many times.
thinking about Geto, breathing faster and faster with each and every thrust, every kiss, every scratch on his back. the way you're breathing right into the crook of his neck, still shivering, but not from the cold. your lower lip tastes like this chicken and fries but you're still the most delicious thing he's ever had. his slender fingers tapping on the skin on your hips, just like on that wheel before, soft but determined to hold you in place when again, you whisper some sweet nonsenses that make his eyes roll.
thinking about Geto, who holds you tight and doesn't want to drive you back home. not tonight. not ever again.
masterlist ❤️
1K notes · View notes
strawberri-syrup · 5 months
Text
i love my laptop but she is so stupid sometimes
0 notes
incorrectbatfam · 9 months
Note
Why did the batfam get turned down for a job?
Interviewer: How much experience do you have with kids?
Dick: *flashbacks to prying Tim and Damian apart while Jason eggs them on*
Dick: A good amount.
———————
Interviewer: Can you pass a criminal background check?
Jason: No.
———————
Interviewer: We got a reference from your old coworker, Alvin Draper.
Tim: Oh, that was fast.
Interviewer: He says you suck.
Tim: Pfft, yeah. Some old workplace beef. You think he'd be over it by now.
———————
Interviewer: Do you have a valid driver's license?
Damian: Tt. Age limit this, driver's license that. If this was truly a free country I can get by without one.
Interviewer: Normally I'd agree with you, but we're a traveling petting zoo.
———————
Interviewer: Tell me about—
Killer Croc: *throws a car outside the window*
Duke: Um... gotta use the restroom. Be right back.
[10 minutes later]
Duke: *slides into his chair*
Duke: Where were we?
Interviewer: I was asking you about—
Scarecrow: *plants a fear gas bomb across the street*
Duke: I think my phone's ringing. One moment please.
———————
Interviewer: It says here you were fired from the movie theater. Can you tell me why?
Cullen: I spoiled the end credit scenes of Marvel movies.
Interviewer: And how can we be sure it won't happen here?
Cullen: This is Hot Topic, right?
———————
Stephanie: —long story short, I decided "to heck with it" and went to prom with an inflatable Riddler clone named Fernando. I'm sorry, what was your question again?
Interviewer: ...How are you?
———————
Cassandra: *shows up*
Interviewer: For the last time, we're not hiring!
———————
Barbara: There's a typo in your job posting. I also found that your LinkedIn page needs to be updated. Here is my full analysis with all my suggestions. And of course, assuming your application portal is up to date, you can see that I meet all of the qualifications.
Interviewer: Except you must be 35 to run for president.
———————
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Harper: Money.
Interviewer: Other than that.
Harper: *thinks for a second*
Harper: No that's it.
———————
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
Carrie: I'm double-jointed. I can bend my fingers like this. See?
———————
Interviewer: Please explain this gap in your resumé.
Kate: Don't tell me what to do.
———————
Interviewer: Have you ever stolen from your workplace?
Selina: Never.
*interviewer's wallet falls from Selina's pant leg*
———————
Interviewer: And why should Wayne Enterprises hire you?
Bruce: My name is literally on the building.
———————
Interviewer: We're sorry, Mr. Pennyworth, I don't think you'll be a good fit for us. I heard the Waynes are hiring next door, though.
Alfred: This is preposterous.
Alfred: *leaves*
Alfred: *goes next door*
Alfred: Good afternoon, I am here for—
Martha: Oh thank heavens, he's here.
Thomas: We're late for our conference. Keys are under the mat, the bed still needs to be made, and the baby took a huge crap just now.
Martha: *hands over baby Bruce*
Alfred: I supposed I'm hired then?
Baby Bruce: *blows a snot bubble*
Alfred, chuckling: At your service, young master.
2K notes · View notes