#so her dad loves him bc he’s great but it means she has to keep seeing him everywhere and he keeps reminding her of their deal

[cherie-doll]

𓆩♡𓆪 Headcanon: Them As Parents #2

𐙚 Ghost, Soap, Gaz, Alejandro, Phillip Graves, Keegan, König, Horangi, Nikto

𐙚ྀ ͜ ͡ ︶ Added Nikto this time + his is a little longer bc I didn’t add him the first time

Ghost

Lost the kids at ikea once

The way he was so unbothered too

He’s so nonchalant about it because he’s confident that the children know better and are capable of taking care of themselves

If anything he’s a little anxious about your reaction if you found out

So when an employee notices Simon frequently turning his head, eyes roaming around they approach him

When Simon told the employee he had lost two little kids the employee was more concerned than him

Soap

When you leave the kids home alone with their father it’s almost worse than if they had been left alone

He is NOT a trusted adult

If you don’t leave a large enough pot of food for them Soap will order whatever the kids want to eat

Unfortunately for you, his sons inherited his big appetite

You come back home, groceries in hand gawking at the boxes of takeout set all over the table

“Johnny, I said I wouldn’t be long at the store…”

“Sorry, got a bit hungry” he responds while stuffing his face

Gaz

When going to the store he likes getting matching outfits for his girls

He’ll overload the cart with an assortment of cute bows and hairclips, pretty dresses, and adorable little shoes

When going out, he carries a backpack for each kid packed with a sweater in case it’s cold, comfy shoes incase they lose one, and snacks for when they’re hungry or fussy

He gets so excited when he’s there to witness his baby’s first everything, records it on a calendar and you best believe he’ll never forget those small milestones

Alejandro

When he’s cooking meat on the grill outside he raises his head to watch the kids play in the yard

His love language is calling them over to give them a piece of roast meat to taste

When the kids were old enough to drive he first taught them with a riding lawnmower because he didn’t trust them with his truck

He likes to be mean to his kids (in a loving way ofc) and play pranks on them

Phillip Graves

He can be stern at times but most of the time he’ll spoil his kids rotten

Especially his daughter

When she asked for a pony he almost decided to move to a house with 3 acres for a couple of horses

You reasoned with him and instead settled to take your daughter to weekly horseback riding lessons

Keegan

One of his favorite things to do is figuring out what features of yours and his he can find in his kids

“She’s got your smile” “He has your wit” “Your sass is apparent even in our children”

I bet he’s the type of carry his toddlers like a bag

He pays great attention to detail so he’ll immediately notice if something or someone upset his children

König

After he overcame his insecurity he was head over heels for the baby

Will constantly watch over your shoulder, taking in every detail of how you care for the children so he can do it too

Not wanting to spend a moment apart from you or your children

If he’s running errands he’ll take the kids with him

When his daughter was a few months old he used to bring her with him into the hardware store and proudly show her off

It would make his day when someone would tell him how adorable she was and how alike they look

Horangi

Imagine him with twins ૮꒰/ฅ//ฅ//꒱ა

He’s almost always carrying them

You argue with him over this because it’s made your toddlers used to being held all the time

He’d be a great girl dad, wouldn’t resist buying cute toys and kid makeup sets and letting them paint his nails and apply lipstick on him

Would walk around in princess high heels and bows whilst keeping a poker face

Nikto

He wants to be seen like a pillar, someone his kids can rely on and never fear for their safety

Though concealed, under the strong surface his heart pulsates and beats the moment he’s handed the squirming bundle at the hospital

A mix of emotions swirls underneath his facade, the small face he’s staring at is his flesh and blood and he can hardly believe it

Strives to create a secure ambience at home for his little ones to grow up in

He wishes he could shield them from all harm

On mornings when he’s supposed to rest, the kids will sneak into your bedroom and crawl into bed between you

He groans, feigning annoyance, but scoops them in his strong arms chuckling as they squeal and giggle

[redbullgirly]

HI BABRIE! HI KEN! [part 3, LH44 smau]

Lewis Hamilton x pregnant!reader [social media au]

Masterlist & Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! [part 1, LH44 smau] & Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! [part 2, LH 44 smau]

Summary: Lewis and his "real-life Barbie" girlfriend Y/N Y/L/N have a secret they keep from the fans. Though it's only matter of time before they announce the happy news... it's not like it can stay hidden forever anyways.

Warnings: Pregnancy. Slight hate and bodyshaming towards Y/N. If you're not in the right headspace, please don't read it!🫶

Author's Note: After quite some time, hello! I'm so sorry this took so long, but life has been so busy and hectic last month I simply didn't have time and energy to write this sooner. Though I'm very glad for everyone who waited for this part and I hope you'll like it. It's probably not the last one, I have few ideas for more parts. But I don't want to promise anything, we all know how long this part took XD.

lewishamilton posted on instagram

liked by orlandobloom, f1, sebastianvettel, emmawatson and others

tagged: yourcharity

lewishamilton So proud to support charity program for the involvement of children from disadvantaged families in sports yourusername has been working on for a few years now. All money raised from the friendly basketball match goes to the fond of the charity. Let's change lives of these talented kids together! 💫🙏🏾

view all 18,349 comments

user1 basketball players should be grateful our king chose to be f1 driver 😌

user2 fr

yourusername together we can change the world for better!! 💫💕

liked by the author

user3 You make our lives better by existing Y/N😍😍

user4 I think this is too idealistic lol

user5 queen speaking facts and keeping us motivated

user6 LET HER COOK 🗣🗣🗣

user7 Sir Lewis Hamilton is Sir for a reason 👑

mercedesamgf1 🙏🤍

user8 even though he'll be driving for ferrari next year mercedes still supports him!!!

user9 and what did you think? that they'll ignore him or hate him suddenly? he still got a whole season w them 🤣 plus it's all marketing

user10 nah i'll just live in delusion that admin loves lewis & y/n🥰🥰🥰🥰

user11 I love how you use your platform to raise awareness

user12 omg he's so hot 🥵

user13 Wait, why is Lewis at Y/N's charity event instead of her? I usually support her, but this is just weird... why can't she stand up for her own thing?

user14 RIGHT?! idk why she didn't even bother showing there

user15 Honestly I think that Lewis going there brings more attention to it than just her going there, and it's a good thing people are noticing this organization. Though I don't understand why she didn't go there as well 🤷‍♀️

user16 guys stop wtf she could be sick or smth

user14 or she's just another attention seeker... never liked her tbh

user16 the only attention seeker here is u user14 get a life and stop hating 😘

user14 i'm not hating, i'm stating facts and unlike y/n i don't need a man to do shit for me lmfao

user17 Y'all are really getting mad over nothing xddd

user18 Amazing work! 👏 you make the difference, Lewis😍🖤💛

user19 the fact he has pink pants bc it's y/n's fav color and it's for a charity event she helped organize... i want a man like him 😩

user20 He's down bad for her!!!

user21 I mean... who wouldn't, just look at her🤭

user22 fr what i'd give to talk to y/n once

user23 Our fashion barbie iconic Queen 💖💖

user24 Lew giving the little boy a fist bump🥹

user25 he is going to be a great dad one day

user24 Oh definitely!🫶

user26 can't wait for dad lewis

user27 omggg imagine little him and y/n running around the paddock 😭😭

user26 they'll be sooo cute istg

twitter

yourusername posted on instagram

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tagged: mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton and roscoelovescoco

yourusername japan grand prix w my favs 🇯🇵🤍

view all 4,249 comments

lewishamilton 🤍🤍

liked by the author

user1 awww i live for bf lewis

user2 YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER

user3 and who would that be user2 ?? you? lmfao u wish🤣🤣

user4 the disrespect of writing these things under HIS COMMENT where he shows SUPPORT to HIS GIRLFRIEND...

user5 Lewis & Y/N 4ever 🫶

user6 omg look at roscoe baby so cute

user7 the teeth I can't🥹

user8 It's Roscoe's world and we're just living in it fr

alexandrasaintmleux so prettyyy 🙏🌺

liked by lewishamilton and roscoelovescoco

yourusername oh stoppp u are prettier 💓💐

user9 Girls supporting girls and wags supporting wags... that's what we like!!!!

user10 the fact lewis liked alex's comment w two accounts is the best thing that happened this week😭

user11 shut uppp I didn't even notice it before user10 😭 he's such a simp I love this 😭😭

user10 i knoooow😭

user12 finally you attended a grand prix this year!!!!

user13 😍😍😍😍😍

mercedesamgf1 It's always brighter with you in the paddock Barbie Y/N!💖

liked by the author, lewishamilton and carmenmmundt

yourusername next time i'm going all out w the pink 💖🫶

user14 the legend herselffff

user15 Admin is slaying and supporting Y/N 💁‍♀️

user16 MOTHER IS SERVING ONCE AGAIN🧎🏻‍♀️

roscoelovescoco Enjoying's dad's racing's w my's best's mum's ☺️🏎

yourusername enjoying dad racing w my best son 🥹💕

user17 not roscoe slowly learning y/n's slang and saying w instead of with🤭

user18 and the fact Lewis is the one really writing it... !!!!!

user19 They're such cute a family🥰

user20 mum and dad and son... I can't it's too adorable 🫠❤️‍🩹

user21 Literally the queen of f1 and gorgeousness keep slaying

user22 where is the usual barbie aesthetic?!😥

user23 fr I want pink dresses not blue trousers

user24 Guys she can wear whatever she wants

user23 yeah true but still... she already built that image so why not keep it wtf 🤷‍♀️

user25 Covering her fat stomach with the purse ewww 🤢🥴

user26 i wanna take u haters seriously... but I just can't xd

user27 if you have anger issues like me and don't like online trolls, pls stop scrolling people! there are so many dumb users from twitter in these comments!🙃

user28 I just don't get why they're hating on Y/N all of sudden... what did she ever do to them

user29 idk, probably bcs she wasn't active for a while (she was probably not feeling well or smth as she said in an interview few days back) and didn't attend any gp till japan this year (again she was probably sick so understandable)... plus lot of f1 "fans" are jealous bitches change my mind

user30 Internet always moves in waves and one time everybody loves u and then they hate u 😬

user31 yeah but it's so sad cause y/n is such a sweetheart🥺❤️

user32 I honestly wouldn't care about the haters if they didn't attack her body and the way she looks... that's down right embarrassing and disgusting

user33 AGREED user32

twitter & messages between Y/N and Lewis

lewishamilton and yourusername posted on instagram

liked by maxverstappen1, shawnmendes, t22felton, charles_leclerc and 27,925,028 others

lewishamilton It's hard to put into words how happy and excited we are. Can't wait to hold our baby in a few months and support my dearest love on every step of the way. Feeling blessed right now 🤍🪐

comments on this post have been limited

charles_leclerc Well, that's a shocking news I didn't know about this time...😂

charles_leclerc But big congratulations!❤️

yourusername yeah we needed to give u heart attack w smth too 😉💋

susie_wolff Congratulations Lewis and Y/N, you will be great parents! 💫🫶

yourusername thx susie, we have great role models in u and toto!!! ✨❤️‍🩹

lewishamilton 🫶🏾🫶🏾

kellypiquet what a great news!🥹

yourusername love u kelly 💕

sebastianvettel Many congratulations!

lewishamilton Thank you Seb!

yourusername will u be the fun uncle??? pls seb 🥹🙏

sebastianvettel If you'll make me their godfather....

yourusername done deal 🤝

lewishamilton I-... fair enough, done deal

fencer EXCUSE ME?!! THAT'S NOT FAIR

charles_leclerc Yeah what is this favorism?!

yourusername guys it's seb how could we say no 😌✨

charles_leclerc True... fair enough then I guess 🙂

fencer I still feel VERY offended

yourusername charles don't use that ironic emoji on me and fencer u can have the second child

lewishamilton Darling that sounds like you're sacrificing our second child while the first one isn't even born yet...

yourusername whoops 🫢🙈

sebastianvettel Do you realize this is not a private conversation?

yourusername actually u can set selected comments private seb 😁

charles_leclerc Wait seriously?!

lewishamilton No, she's just testing if he's old enough to believe her 🙄

yourusername you're sour bc u believed me the first time i tried it love ☺️🫶

sebastianvettel This is exactly why I didn't have Instagram sooner.

charles_lecerc We love you Seb!❤️

yourusername yeah we do love u our new godfather!!!!💖

mercedesamgf1 Congratulations from the whole team!🤩🤍

liked by the author

alexandrasaintmleux awww so happy for both of u!💞

yourusername hope you're prepared to be the fav auntie 🤭💋

alexandrasaintmleux anything for my little nephew or niece hamilton 🫡

scuderiaferrari The next world champion on the way?😍❤️

yourusername pls i hope they'll stay far away from racing 😭

scuderiaferrari Well... then we'll at least get another tifosi 😉

georgerussell68 Wishing all the best mate!

liked by the author

landonorris Wooohooo congrats!!!

landonorris Wait- do y'all realize you'll be parents now? Like real REAL parents of an actual child?!

yourusername yeah lando that's how it usually works when u get pregnant 😊

landonorris Yeah but... wait! The child needs to be McLaren fan!

yourusername your mission to get all hamiltons to be your fan is getting more complicated, isn't it? 😂🫢

landonorris Shhhh Y/N it's a secret mission 🤫

yourusername oh my bad sry

yourusername wait why do i know about it then???

landonorris Ehhh... miscalculation?

yourusername tf lando 😭

lewishamilton I'm starting to think this baby will be our second child and Lando is our first...

landonorris Wow so can I officially say Lewis Hamilton is my daddy now?😀

lewishamilton NO

yourusername lando don't you dare or istg

landonorris Byeee parents!! 🤗

f1 Let's go! 💖👶

francisca.cgomes babyyyyy 🤎🍂

pierregasly Why the leaves?

francisca.cgomes bcs it's an autumn babyyyyy

yourusername love u kika 💕

pierregasly Oh congrats by the way!🫶

yourusername thx pierre 💕

logansargeant RAAAAAHHH 🇺🇸🦅

logansargeant Sorry alex_albon took my phone 😒 I wanted to say congratulations!🤍

alex_albon 😇

yourusername lol

yourusername but thx sm logan, you're such a sweetheart! 🫶

lilymhe I swear it'll be the cutest baby ever

yourusername babe it'll totally will if u say so 💋

kevinmagnussen 🙌

hulkhulkenberg Welcome to the dad's club on the grid Lewis! 😉

liked by the author

oscarpiastri What a happy day, congratulations! 🧡

yourusername what's the orange heart doing here oscahh??? 🤨

oscarpiastri 💖

oscarpiastri Better now?

yourusername thx oscar sm for the congrats!🥰 also you should use my signature heart emoji more often 💖

twitter

yourusername posted on instagram

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tagged: lewishamilton and alexandrasaintmleux

yourusername enjoying the barbie life 💖💐

view all 2,013 comments

lewishamilton Beautiful, gorgeous and my Barbie!

yourusername awww my ken 💞🫶

user1 omg i love them sm

user2 I wanna have what they have

user3 the effect bf Lewis has on me should be studied 😩

user4 Just the fact he usually isn't active on ig and doesn't comment or anything... and she is the only exception😭🤭

user5 gorgeous literally so gorgeous

user6 The baby bump 🥹🥹

user7 and she looks so good with it too 🥹🥹

alexandrasaintmleux such good times hanging out with my fav barbie! 💋💖

yourusername the best times girly!!! 💕

user8 i live for this friendship

user9 Imagine these two next year in Ferrari garage together!😍

user10 literally the only good thing coming out of lewis leaving mercedes

user11 fr fr user10

user12 Are those flowers from Lewis???

roscoelovescoco Yeah's they'res from's dad's 🌻☺️

user13 OH MY GOD ROSCOE HIIII

user12 Can't believe Lewis Hamilton replied to my comment as his dog 😭

user13 lol user12 u really won life xd

user14 this is sooo cuteee 😻

user15 You and Alex look so good together! Hope you'll be friends forever!

kellypiquet where's the bag from? it's so pretty! 😍🤍

yourusername idk lew gave it to me for christmas last year... i'll ask and let u know!! 🤍🫶

kellypiquet 🫶

user16 The queens of the paddock right here 🙌

user17 still can't believe y/n & lewis are going to be parent in a few months

user18 RIGHT?! It's like a fever dream for me 😭

user19 Yeah i was excited for dad Lewis so long that now I can't believe it's finally happening 🤭❤️

user20 the best wag right here

user21 and soon the best mum!

user22 Ur STUNNING 😭💖

user23 Woman 💅

user24 proud to say i never hated on Y/N

user25 YES

user26 always knew she's the queen 👸💗

lewishamilton posted on instagram

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tagged: yourusername

lewishamilton My beautiful Barbie. The love of my life. My partner for good times and bad times. Mother of my child. The only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Y/N Y/L/N. 💖💫

view all 31,274 comments

yourusername can't describe in words how much i love u lew!!! 💖💫

lewishamilton Love you too darling, so much!

user1 I can't 😭

user2 i wanna have what they have

user3 THE BEST COUPLE EVER

user4 if they ever break up love isn't real

user5 I'll tell my children they are the original Barbie & Ken

user6 my parents 🥰

user7 y'all don't understand how much i love them

user8 The best parents ever!!!!

roscoelovescoco Mums looking's gorgeous 🥹☀️

lewishamilton She in fact is.

yourusername my boys making me cry 🥹💓

roscoelovescoco Oh's no's mums don't cry's 🙁

yourusername don't worry baby it's happy tears 💞

user9 now I'm crying too... this is so sweet

user10 The reason they're my favs😍

user11 why is this so precious 😭😭

user12 so prettyyyy

kellypiquet Our Barbie looking like a goddess!💅🏻💝

liked by the author

yourusername thx kelly!!!💕

user13 she's fr glowing 😻

user14 Thought she can't get more beautiful than she was before but pregnancy proved me wrong

user15 MARRY HER

user16 we love bf lewis dedicating whole post to y/n 🤭🤭

voguemagazine 🤩📸

user17 ariana what are u doing here?!??!!

user18 Even Vogue is an Y/N fan and we love it

user19 y'all don't understand how bad i need her to be on the cover of vogue or some other magazine 😩

user20 OMG user19 SHE WOULD SLAY IT TOO HARD

user21 You should marry her now!!! 💍💍

liked by roscoelovescoco

user22 heyyy did someone else see lewis like it and then un-like it?!😧

user21 When the notification of roscoelovescoco liking my comment came up on my phone I nearly dropped it and screamed... like what? Excuse me sir!!! 😃

user23 LOL I love how he goes savage liking comments w his dog's account and then regrets it immediately xd

user24 guuuyyyssss what if it means we'll get proposal soon???☺️

user21 I wish!!!!

twitter

THE END

Author's Note: Thank you for reading it to the end! I'll be very grateful for likes, comments, reblogs and every other sign of support. Also you can let me know if you think baby Hamilton will be a girl or boy 🤭. Have a great weekend! (Btw if someone wants to talk about their predictions for Saudi Arabian Grand Prix, they're welcomed bcs I don't have anyone to talk to about it XD)

Taglist: @namgification @hc-dutch @bloodyymaryyy @nat-lh-44 @cosmoscoffeee @daniellef89x @xoscar03 @67-angelofthelordme-67 @nathalielovesonedirection @raizelchrysanderoctavius @leclerc16s @carpediem241108 @onecojg (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

[lexirosewrites]

okay submitting my first slick sunday ask !! yay !! anyway i'm just popping in to share an idea that i've been putting together a fic for bc i think you'll like it :) (and if you don't, please don't tell me, bc it will hurt my soul haha)

so idea:

single parent omega!steve has a little girl, exactly age undetermined. he was a young parent (just passed his 18th birthday when he got pregnant) and it was a total whoops baby. he was at a party, and he got drunk, and he slept with tommy. tommy's a dick of course and wants nothing to do with it, steve gets kicked out. his mom is great and does what she can to help him out under the table so his dad doesn't find out. in exchange, steve keeps her updated on his kid's life, because he loves his mom and wants her to be part of this.

anyway, enter alpha!eddie, who sees steve from afar at a event for underprivileged youth he's volunteering at. he first assumes steve is there as another volunteer, because he's standing alone and appears very young. just as eddie is about to approach, though, steve's kid comes sprinting over. eddie watches the most adorable parent/child moment he's ever seen, and holds back. he decides he doesn't want to step on any toes, just in case there's a partner in the picture.

but then eddie keeps running into him. he's everywhere eddie turns. so he silently pines from afar for MONTHS. he refuses to do more than politely chat on the rare occasions they do interact. steve has absolutely no idea any of this internal conflict is going on. truthfully, he barely knows eddie, even though he has noticed the alpha around and can't help being at least a little attracted to him. especially when he sees eddie interacting with kids.

it all comes full circle when eddie is running a dnd campaign at the library for a group of teens and steve comes in with his pup. of course, the teens he's running a campaign for also happen to be The Party, so eddie has to sit by and watch all these kids with steve and he just falls more and more in love. he finds out from the party that they've all known steve for years. eddie takes this as his opportunity to get to know steve more. he uses the kids as an in, just to talk. be friends.

all sorts of things happen, of course, and eventually steve and eddie do get together. and steve's pup LOVES eddie. she thinks he's great, fully accepts him as her new dad, and that's that. after a while of nothing new happening though, she does ask eddie when he's going to marry steve and make them a "real" family (she is a child who does not get the concept of what being a family means, and she doesn't realize that they ARE a real family already)

it may or may not make eddie cry a little when he realizes just how much he loves this little family, and how much they love him in return.

(be advised, this is not proofread and i am tired. if there's mistakes, no there's not) ((thank you))

i fucking live for steddie fics where one of them is a single parent, especially in the omegaverse. it adds a whole new layer of complicated when they’re trying to fall in love and be conscious of the fact that there’s another person whose feelings very much matter!! i just know they’d have such a happy little pack😭💕

[mimasroom2]

“But you’re like…. real pretty.” A Mean Girls Ellie au

Mean girls Ellie au but it’s only up until the burn book scene bc I do not wanna be writing the whole ass thing😭 Janice & Damian don’t exist in this au shhh we don’t need them.. we’re focused on Ellie. Also! Don’t worry ab the ages of characters plz LMAO just pretend they’re all in high school unless said otherwise. This took me a long time to write 2 be accurate 2 the movie so pleaseeeee show it some love ! Literally just mean girls but then I take my own route & they fuck😇

C/w: Regina!Ellie & Cady!reader have secret sexy time but that’s later 😋. Ppl are judgmental but it’s mean girls what did you expect. Uhh Ellie curses a lot ig. Strictly lesbian reader. Allusion 2 reader masturbating to Ellie but no details. David is their classmate (still a pedophile) & Ellie breaks his finger😘! Ellie is VERY morally grey. SLOWWWW BURNNNN.

You as Cady

Ellie as Regina

Dina as Gretchen

Jesse as Karen

W/c: 5k

𓆟. ° .• .𓆝 .• ° . 𓆟 . ° .• .𓆞

“Here’s your lunch. I put a dollar in there so that you can get yourself some milk. Ask someone where to do that, okay?”

“Dad, I’m fine. I can find milk by myself.” You roll your eyes playfully at him.

Today was your first day of high school. Well, actually public school in general. You had been living with your parents in Africa until you moved to the US, and that meant no more homeschooling for you.

You wave goodbye to your parents as they drop you off. “Yeah, I’m not worried. High school is gonna be a fucking breeze.” You think to yourself, turning around to walk into the school and you almost run face first into a bus. You look back at your parents and you swear to god your mom almost had a heart attack.

Great start.

~

“Thank fucking god.” You sighed to yourself. Finally the first few classes were done, and you could eat. You thought it was weird you had to eat on a schedule now, you could practically have lunch whenever you felt like it back in Africa, just like the grazing animals.

You can finally relax, kick up your feet, enjoy some nice quiet you time and-

“Holyyyy shitttttt.” You slowly take your headphones off as you walk into the roaring cafeteria. This is seriously where they expect you to eat? Sounded more like 100 dying elephants to you. You scoff and slowly start walking around, watching all the people at each different table converse with one another. There’s so many different cliques, and it seems like they just get worse as you go deeper into the cafeteria.

You stop in the very center of the cafeteria. You’re in front of a table with three people sitting side by side, not across from each other. There’s an Asian guy counting on his fingers, a girl with her hair in a bun and a really pretty smile, and a girl in the middle. She has her hair in a sort of half up half down style, freckles all over her face, and the cutest fucking nose you’ve ever seen. She looks up at you from her seat in between them, and you two make eye contact. Your heart practically jumps out of your chest. You’re completely mesmerized by her, but unfortunately the beautiful stranger keeps you from looking where you’re walking, and you run right into a guy carrying a lunch tray.

“What the shit-“ he starts, but then looks up at you. “Oh damn. Never seen you before. The names David.” He reaches his hand out to shake yours, and you catch him looking down your low cut shirt. He makes eye contact with you again and smirks, “How bout you pay me back for my lunch that’s now on the ground. Come with me to the tech booth after school.”

Suddenly you hear a voice coming from behind you, “Ew. Fuck off, David. No one wants to hit that.”

You turn around and it’s the girl you had locked eyes with before. You manage to say “Uh, hit what?” worried you’d somehow manage to get into a fight on your first day of school.

“You fuck off, Ellie. I’m just bein’ friendly. Plus, I bet she’d wanna hit. You see the way she’s lookin’ at me?”

You look between the two of them, still trying to figure out what they want you to smack. “Sorry, hit what exactly?”

The girl named Ellie looks you up and down, slowly. You gulp. “Do yah wanna have sex with him? Yes or no.”

Your eyes widen and you shake your head ‘no’ vigorously, earning yourself a laugh from the cute brunette defending you.

“Kay, it’s settled. No one wants to sleep with you. Move along, David. Can’t believe you’re in the same grade as us and yet you still somehow manage to be a pedophile.”

He scoffs and walks away. You smile politely at her, and try to wander off to find somewhere to sit. However, you can feel her eyes burning holes into your back, or maybe your ass, and she suddenly calls out to you, “Wait. Sit down. How come I don’t know you?”

You look around, point to yourself and say “Me?” Then mentally slap yourself. Who else could she be talking to?

“Yeah, you. Sit down, babe.” She nods her head at the seat in front of her, the way you’ve seen guys do. You sit down. You’re not going to say no to anyone defending you on your first day of school. And you’re definitely not saying no to the beautiful stranger beckoning you to sit with her.

The other two people at the table don’t smile as you sit down, they just look at Ellie and back at you. Ellie repeats herself, “How come I don’t know a pretty girl like you?”

You’re caught off guard, blinking at her while trying to think of something to say. “Oh, I’m new.” You shift in the uncomfortable plastic seat. “I just moved here from Africa.”

She raises one eyebrow. You notice there’s a scar through it. “Huh?”

“I was homeschooled.”

She grabs the chain she’s wearing around her neck and starts fiddling with it. “Huh?”

Do people not know what that is? You try explaining to her, “My mom taught me at home-“

She interrupts you, putting one hand in the air in a ‘stop’ motion. “No, fuck, I know what homeschooling is, I’m not stupid.” She leans in closer like she’s studying you. “So you’ve.. never been to a real school before?”

You shake your head ‘no’

“Shut the fuck up.” She scoffs and looks between the two people by her side, “Shut the fuck. Up.”

“I didn’t say anything..” You laugh awkwardly.

“Huh. That’s so interesting. But you’re like…. real pretty.” She raises her eyebrows.

“Oh! Uh thank you.” You look down, trying to hide your blush.

“Ahh, so you agree. You think you’re real pretty?” Ellie has this shit eating grin on her face, and for a second you think she’s no better than the guy who was hitting on you.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know-“

“Wow!” Ellie’s eyes suddenly light up. “Love the bracelet you have. Where’d you get it?” She grabs your arm without permission and looks at your wrist. She rests her chin in her palm and looks at you with beautiful twinkling green eyes, waiting for you to reply. Somehow you didn’t notice her tattoo until just now. It’s really nice - ferns and what looks like a moth. Fuck, that’s hot.

“My uh-“ You swear you can’t speak. You’ve never had a stuttering problem and yet here you are tripping over yourself in front of the most enchanting girl you’ve ever seen. “My mom made it for me.”

“Ohmygod it’s just like mine!” The girl to the side of her finally speaks up, then giggles cutely, “That is soooo fetch.”

Ellie suddenly frowns. She turns to her side to face the girl and scoffs. “What the fuck is fetch.”

“It’s like slang! Uhm from Jackson.” She looks down, away from Ellie like she’s ashamed of what she just said.

“So if you’re from Africa….. why are you white??” The one guy of the group suddenly says, staring at you, almost like he’s disgusted.

“Holy fuck, Jesse. You can’t just ask people why they’re white.” The other girl scolds him.

“Let me talk to Dina n Jesse privately for like one second, would yah, dollface?” You swear she actually winks at you.

You gulp, and nod, looking around trying to avoid making any more eye contact with Ellie. She whispers briefly to the girl, who’s Dina, and then to the boy, who’s Jesse.

She turns back to you, “Alright, jus’ to let yah know, we don’t do this very often. So consider this a big deal, alright?” Ellie grins at you. You just nod.

“We’re inviting you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.” Dina chimes in, smiling widely.

You put your hands up, “Oh you don’t have to-“

“Fuck yeah. So I’ll see yah tomorrow.” Ellie interrupts you again. You really should get used to that if you’re going to spend more time with them.

“On Wednesdays we wear pink.” Jesse winks at you and gives you a big thumbs up.

~

The next day you enter the cafeteria and Ellie immediately flags you over, making a ‘cmere’ motion with two fingers. “There she is.” She grins. She’s wearing a low cut tank top, a little pink cardigan and leather pants. The tank top has writing that says ‘a little bit dramatic.’ You smile to yourself, somehow it makes no sense and fits her perfectly at the same time. You look down at your own clothes, a simple button up pink shirt you borrowed from your mom and jeans. Suddenly you feel way less cool, even though you’re somehow sitting with the most popular kids in school.

This time, you’re sitting next to Jesse, with Ellie and Dina across from you.

“Yknow how many calories are in this? Doesn’t say.” Ellie hands you some sort of bar and you look at the numbers on the wrapper. 48/120.

“Yeah, that should be 40%.” You hand it back to her, but your fingers touch hers accidentally. There’s butterflies in your stomach again, you realize they’re the same ones from yesterday. You thought it was just first day jitters.

She stares at you and keeps her hand there a moment too long, before clearing her throat and saying, “Fuck it. I’m getting cheese fries.” She pulls her hand away and stands up swiftly.

Dina watches her walk away then turns back toward you. “So. Are there any boys you think are cute?”

You try to think of the first girl your mind remembers that’s not Ellie. “Well, there’s this girl in my calculus class-“

“Who is it?” Jesse interrupts you, and Dina’s eyes widen.

You clear your throat, “Her names Cat.”

“No!” They both shout in unison, and it actually makes you jump a little.

Dina actually fans herself as if she’s going to faint. You swear you’ve only seen that in movies. “Ohmygod you can’t like Cat! That’s Ellie’s ex girlfriend.”

“They went out for a year. She gave her the tattoo on her arm.” Jesse chimes in.

You try to hide the confused yet pleased look on your face when you find out Ellie likes girls too.

Dina continues, “Listen, any exes are off limits to friends. That’s just like, the rules… everywhere.” She crosses her arms and Jesse nods. “Oh, but don’t worry. I won’t tell Ellie what you said. It’ll be our little secret.” She smiles at you.

~

At the end of the day, you’re walking back to the parking lot, just thinking to yourself. Jesse seems probably the nicest, but he’s basically got no head on his shoulders. At least from what you could tell. Dina’s nice too, but there’s something off about her. Maybe because she’s closer to Ellie than Jesse? You felt like you couldn’t trust her entirely. And Ellie. Fuck man, she’s absolutely gorgeous. You can’t get her out of your mind no matter what you do, you stayed up later than usual last night thinking about her… but that doesn’t matter right now.

Suddenly, you hear a car beep from behind you. You turn around to see all three of them in a classy convertible, with Ellie driving. “Get in, fuckface, we’re going shopping.” you hear her say, and well, you can’t really say no.

Ellie’s like.. a hot masc bratz doll. You never had any dolls. Especially not bratz. Your mom hated them. She’d probably hate Ellie too, thinking about it.

~

You four end up walking through a mall, and there’s actually a lot of people from your school there. The three of them are just.. passing by all these cool looking stores. You haven’t had the chance to actually shop yet since you’ve moved, and you don’t want to feel any more alien than you already do, so you don’t ask Ellie to stop by any of them. You’re all walking side by side, but Ellie’s the farthest away from you. She points at a shop labeled ‘Spencer’s’ and whispers something to Dina. Dina laughs and has to hold onto Ellie’s arm so she doesn’t fall over. You feel your face grow red, and you’re surprised to see that you actually feel jealous. Whatever she said must’ve been really hilarious.

Suddenly, Ellie stops walking and holds out her hand. “What. The. Fuck.”

You look across the way and see the guy who was hitting on you yesterday talking to a girl who looks about 14.

“Holy shit! Is that David?” Jesse steps forward.

“Yeah. It fucking is.” Ellie crosses her arms and scoffs. “And look who he’s talking to.”

This time, Dina steps up, her jaw dropped. “You’ve gotta be fucking shitting my dick.” Even from knowing her only two days, you can tell she never cursed like that, so it must be serious.

“Dina, who is that?” You ask her.

She answers you, but doesn’t look at you. She just keeps staring at the scene playing out in front of her. “That’s one of the damn kids I babysit. Practically my own sister. And fucking pedo David is talking to her.”

“Wait, what makes him a pedophile?” You ask, looking between the three of them.

“He’s been caught talking to girls who are reallyyyy young. Like, even though he’s 17, that’s still fucked up.” Dina answers. “Not just normal talking too. Like, full on crazy shit. Keeps telling them they’re special.”

You shudder and turn to look at him again.

“Yknow. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be a cannibal too.” Jesse states and looks at you.

Ellie huffs, unfolding her arms, “Follow me.”

You three speed walk behind Ellie as she makes a beeline straight towards David and the little girl. Dina and Jesse are muttering about how they don’t think this is a good idea, which makes you curious as to what the hell Ellie’s going to do to him.

“Who’re you talkin’ to, David?” Ellie asks in a sing song voice, which actually makes her sound way scarier.

He turns around and throws his arms up, immediately annoyed at Ellie for ruining his creepy actions yet again. “What the fuck do you want, Ellie.”

She puts her hands on her hips, “Don’t make me repeat myself. Who the fuck are you talking to?”

Shit.. you really shouldn’t be thinking about this right now, but that was really hot. You glance at the girl and she looks visibly relieved she’s not talking to him anymore, which says a lot. Ellie and David continue arguing while Dina comforts the girl and tries to pull her away from the situation.

“Ohhhoho shit.” Jesse says and points to Ellie slowly taking a few steps back from David while she’s still talking to him, which makes him follow her.

“What’s going on?” You ask him.

He shakes his head, “Just watch.”

“Cmere, David. Pretty boy like you got nothin’ to lose.” Your blood would boil at what she said, but it’s pretty obvious she’s faking it. Well, obvious to everyone but him.

She beckons him to follow her into a small hallway which nobody’s paying attention to. If there was one thing about Ellie, it’s that she could get anyone to do whatever she wanted.

You and Jesse subtly walk closer to them so you can listen. David’s so entranced by Ellie he’s not paying attention to anything else.

Ellie twirls a lock of her hair around her fingers, looking up at him, trying to appear cute and innocent. “Yknow I thought they were all just rumors.. but, I guess it’s true.” She looks him up and down, and makes it obvious she’s looking at his crotch.

He smiles at her, “What?”

She pretends to think, and gently holds his hand with both of hers, “Hmmm..” She looks away bashfully. You almost laugh at how oblivious he is. “Oh, I shouldn’t say..” she eggs him on.

“Nah, quit playin’. Just tell me.” He’s actually grinning so wide, he looks like he’s in a candy store. Does he really think people are raving about his dick that much?

Ellie’s face falls flat in a second, “I guess it’s true that you’re a fucking pedophile.” And she swiftly twists his hand in one motion, and you hear a crack.

Your eyes grow wide and he yells and curses at her, falling to his knees on the floor. She just taps her foot impatiently, waiting for him to shut up so she can talk.

“You’re gonna go and tell that little girl’s parents what you were doing. Everyone saw you, and now everyone can hear you screaming in pain.” She actually laughs. “There’s no hiding now, David.”

He looks up at her and yells, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM!??”

“Tell them that Ellie is the girl who broke your fucking finger.”

And then she walks away.

~

Ellie drives the four of you to her house to hangout, you try texting your parents you’ll be home for dinner, but you’re honestly not sure. And it’s only Wednesday. As soon as you get there your jaw drops, this place looks like it’s out of a damn movie.

“Wow, Ellie. Your house is really nice.” You say, not looking away from it.

“I know right.” She smirks at you.

Dina leans in and whispers to you, “Make sure you check out her dad. Damn, he’s hot.”

You guys walk in and her dad immediately greats you. He’s holding a small chihuahua and it’s almost comical considering how big and muscular he is.

“Hey, Mr. Miller. This is Cady.” Dina motions towards you. He shoots you a little finger gun and puts the dog down.

“Jus’ wanna tell yah.. if yah need anythin’ don’t be shy, okay? No rules in this house. I’m not like a regular dad. I’m a cool dad.” He winks and turns toward Ellie, “Right, baby girl?”

She’s leaning against the counter. Her face is completely blank as she shuts him down immediately, “Please stop talking.”

Ellie leads you all upstairs to her massive ass room. You thought the outside was impressive, but this is crazy.

“This is your room?” You spin around.

Ellie sits down to take off her shoes. “Mhmm. It was Joel’s room… but I made him trade me.”

You take off your shoes too and look around. There’s pillows, posters, and pictures everywhere that are just adorable. You can see a selfie printed out of the three of them that Dina took.

“Hey, someone put on Take On Me.” Ellie says.

Ellie takes off her little pink cardigan. You don’t mean to stare, but how could you not? Her bare arms are so toned and defined..

She snaps you out of your trance, “Cady, do you even know who sings this?”

“Umm.. Weezer?”

She looks you up and down slowly. She sure loves doing that. “Ugh I love her. She’s like a martian.” She says to Dina.

Jesse walks over to a bookshelf and picks up a hot pink book. It’s the size of a photo album. “Holy shit, I forgot about this.” He laughs.

Ellie glances over to look at what he’s holding. “Damn. Haven’t touched that thing in forever.”

“Look at this, Cady. It’s our burn book.” Dina motions you over to look at it. “See, we would cut out pictures from the yearbook and write little comments.”

Jesse starts reading, “Abby Anderson has sex in boats.”

“Still true.” Ellie chimes in.

“Owen Moore is a fat virgin.” Dina reads.

Ellie snorts. “Still half true.”

She sighs and looks at you. You’re immersed in the burn book and yet, you can immediately feel her eyes on your skin. You look up at her. She has a completely different look in her eyes. Her stance isn’t as strong, she’s fidgeting with her fingers, and her eyes are glossy. She looks almost.. vulnerable.

You keep looking at her, puzzled, when she walks over to you and takes your arm. She’s gentle this time, opposed to when she did the same thing to look at your bracelet when you first met her. She leads you over to her ginormous closet. Dina and Jesse are still giggling at the burn book, they don’t even notice you two left. She steps closer to you.

“We need to get you some new clothes.” Ellie says. But her voice is lower and not as loud as when she usually talks. You try your best to control your breathing, you swear you could get off on just her voice alone.

It’s that weird stage or moment in time. Where you’re not entirely sure if the other person is feeling and thinking the same things as you. It makes you nervous, especially because you haven’t done this kind of thing a lot before. And especially because it’s Ellie fucking Williams.

She steps even closer to you. “Fuck. Needa help you out with clothes.” She mutters. You can barely hear her, she may as well be talking to herself.

She calls Jesse and Dina over with a few snaps of her fingers. “Can you two go make the four of us some drinks. Virgin margaritas.” She turns towards you. You’re just inches away from her face. You’re way too close. “Cady, what do you like?” She asks, making direct eye contact with you. “Lemon lime?” She asks, furrowing her eyebrows almost like she’s pouting, before you can answer her.

Jesse nods and heads out of the room. Dina gives Ellie a weird look, but pulls out her phone to look up recipes and follows Jesse downstairs.

You wait a few moments before you stop hearing footsteps on the stairs, then attempt to ask Ellie what’s going on, “Ellie, why-“

She cuts you off before you can finish, like how she always does. Usually it annoys you, but right now it’s different. Right now it means that she’s really the one in charge. She reaches up and fiddles with the collar of your shirt.

“Cmere, baby. I like you.. okay? You’re cute.” You weren’t sure if she was talking about you platonically or romantically. Her tone was so casual, like she was talking about what to have for dinner, and yet the way she was caressing you made your knees weak. Well, you weren’t sure until she pulls you in by the shirt and smashes her lips against yours.

You immediately gasp and whimper at the action, and become embarrassed at how inexperienced you are. But she fucking loves it, kissing you deeper and unbuttoning a few buttons at the top of your shirt. When she uses her tongue, it’s over. You moan into her mouth and your hands desperately grab at her. She laughs and you can feel the same shit eating grin she gave you when you first met her.

You break away, suddenly remembering that Dina and Jesse are downstairs and could be back any minute. “You sure they’re gonna be gone long enough?” You didn’t know how far she wanted to go… but you could guess.

She nods. “I’m sure. Between the two of them, yeah. Jesse doesn’t know how to make anything and Dina’s gonna spend at least 15 minutes making it perfect after she finds a recipe. Plus they’ll probably both spend another 7 or so minutes arguing wether they should really make it virgin or not. And my dads playing one of his shooter games. Trust me, having a big house comes in handy.” She leans in closer to you, “In any case, with how good I’m gonna make you feel, you won’t be lasting very long.”

And with that she immediately starts making out with you again. It’s sloppy and desperate and not something you would expect from Ellie. But this vulnerable side just seems so much more like her. You pull at her hair, and she fucking moans, the slutty sound sending heat straight down to your pussy.

You pull away again, and she looks up at you like she’s about to cry if she doesn’t touch you. You shakily nod and she bites your neck hard. Thank god you’re wearing a high collar button up.

“Fuck, Ellie.” You yelp, a little too loud, so she shuts you up by soothing the bite marks with her wet tongue. You whine for more, trying any way you can to pull her closer.

She hits a particularly sensitive spot, you gasp and open your eyes. You remember where you are, and look around in her closet. It’s a decent sized walk-in one. Everything’s sorted by color and style. Gorgeous shoes are on racks on the side. A nice fancy chaise is in the middle. You see a few name brand purses throughout. Between Ellie’s teeth and your envy for her life, you feel on fire.

“You always get what you want.” You seethe through your teeth.

“Shut your fucking mouth. Right now is about you.” She pulls away from your neck and reaches straight down to your jeans. She pauses, looking at you to ask for permission. You gulp, nodding to tell her you want her to. She unbuttons your pants and lets them fall down your legs just a little bit, to give herself better access to your panties.

She pulls those down too, and places two fingers to where you’re wet. She gasps, and you cover your face with your hands. “Shit, no.” She pulls down your arms with her non dominant hand, and quickly places a kiss on your cheek. “You’re not gonna hide from me, baby.”

You nod, swallowing. You can feel her making circles around you, wanting to push in. “Please, Ellie.” You beg. You’ve never sounded more desperate in your life.

With one swift motion she pushes two fingers inside you, and pushes you back so that you land against the wall. You gasp and are about to retort, but you accidentally cut yourself off with a moan as Ellie starts pumping her fingers in and out of you. Her other hand is up against the wall above you. You whimper as she picks up pace, this kind of stuff only happens in fiction. You don’t want to cover your face again, so you try turning away from her. She immediately grabs your chin with her spare hand and forces you to face her. “You better look at me when I’m fucking you.” She stares directly into your eyes.

You moan at how rough and fucking gentle she is at the same time. You don’t know why you’re surprised, but you can tell she wants you to enjoy this. Thinking about it, this actually doesn’t benefit her in any way. She’s not the one getting off. In fact, she’d be in major shit if anyone walked into the room.

With each passing second, she’s getting faster. Picking up her pace and making no attempt to be quiet, grunting in your ear. You look down and see her tattoo flexing as she uses her whole arm to fuck you.

“Yeah, you’re gonna fucking cum onto my fingers like you know what’s good for yah. Making a fucking mess on me, shit. So wet, dollface.” She mutters through her teeth. You knew she loved to talk, but she especially loves to talk when she’s making you feel so good.

Just a few more sentences and you’re coming undone, your legs shake and she has to hold your hip to keep you in place.

“Uuugh.. mm. ‘M gonna cum, Ellie.”

“Fucking give it to me.” She huffs out and curls her fingers up into you. Immediately white hot pleasure takes over you. You’re cumming on her fingers just how she wanted. She’s still holding onto you, making sure you don’t fall as she fucks you through your orgasm. She’s fucking magical, making your orgasm last as long as she can, until your eyes are rolling back and you’re whining that it’s too much.

You’re finally able to slow down your breathing and take in what just happened. God, that was good. So much better than when you fucked yourself to the thought of her.

Ellie brings the two fingers she used on you up to her mouth and sucks on them. She even makes eye contact with you until she’s done cleaning them. Your jaw was already on the floor. Now it’s 6 feet below.

You hear Jesse say “Fuck” from downstairs, so you quickly pull your pants back up and button up your shirt in a mirror. Ellie fixes her hair and walks out of the closet, meeting Jesse and Dina as they come into the room.

“She spilled one.” Jesse says, nodding towards Dina who’s holding a tray of now three margaritas.

“Are they actually virgin?” Ellie crosses her arms.

“For once, yeah.” Dina says. “So. Who’s not getting one?”

You practically march out of the closet, “I want it. I’m fucking thirsty.” You greedily grab the drink from off the tray and take a large sip. All three of your friends are staring at you, and you bring it down from your lips. “What! Trying on clothes gets tiring okay?” You whine.

“Fuck it. ‘S my house. I’m getting one.” Ellie says.

“And I’m not the one who spilled it.” Jesse sticks his tongue out at Dina, who rolls her eyes.

The four of you sit down on the couch in Ellie’s room. You’re sitting next to Ellie, she crosses her legs and puts her arm around you.

Dina and Jesse give her a look, but she handles it so smoothly, you swear she’s prepared for anything. “Fuck it, you’re officially part of our group now. Gon’ stay by my side longer than just the rest of the week.” She announces, lightly punching you in the arm.

Jesse holds up his drink, “To Cady?” He prompts, looking between you and Ellie.

She nods, holding hers out to meet Jesse’s. You bring yours up too. “To Cady!” All four of you say, and Dina squeals and claps her hands.

You look over to Ellie. She’s still holding you in her arm, she smiles softly, grabs your side and brings you in a little closer.

𓆟. ° .• .𓆝 .• ° . 𓆟 . ° .• .𓆞

[joelsbeard]

Domestic pre-outbreak!joel /no outbreak!joel hc's bc I can't stop thinking about my lil pookie bear

He loves whenever you take the time to make meals for him and sarah because he's always so busy and never has time to make anything. Not to mention his cooking skills aren't exactly the best, so its a godsend once you and him move in together and you start cooking for your man. For once in his life he consistently goes to work without bringing some shitty sandwich or getting fast food for lunch, and sometimes you'll even throw in a cute little note (or maybe not so cute 😈) that'll have him blushing for the rest of the day. You eventually start getting really good at packing him and Sarah's lunches, and she loves the adorable notes you leave for her and cute animal tooth picks you give her for her fruit. If you have extra time you'll even cut her food into cute little shapes or have a themed lunch like a bunny-shaped sandwich and fruits cut into flowers. If you have leftovers you give them to Joel and he opens it wanting to cry knowing that you put so much effort into making his little girl the cutest lunches. Sometimes his other crew members will notice his lunches with little rice panda bears or other cute things and they'll give him shit for it but it just makes him feel even luckier to be with someone like you.

One time he opens his lunch and finds a particularly spicy note and he has a hard on for the rest of the day :) and then he rushes through his tasks after lunch so he can get home to you faster and rail the shit out of you :)

One day you're in his car looking in his glovebox for something and you find all of the notes you've written him for his lunches, and he tells you he likes to keep all of them to read them especially if he's having a bad day or a hard time at work and needs to get through the day.

Even though he may not be the best cook (aside from a mean mac n cheese or fried chicken) he definitely beats you at grilling. No one makes brisket or steak as good as he does, as a Texan dad it's in his blood.

Although he always gets home tired after a long day of work, you're always there to greet him by running up to him and attacking him with kisses, saying "I missed you so much" and more often than not you'll already have dinner prepared, and he finally gets the time to sit down with you and his daughter for dinner most days of the week and you get to spend some quality time as a family.

Every time he sees you interact with Sarah he's so happy that you're such a great mom to her, he can't think of anyone better to take care of his baby girl

Sarah becomes your little helper when you cook or bake sometimes, and Joel will walk into the kitchen seeing you two giggling as you're making some brownies or some other dessert that Sarah requested, and you can never say no to her cute little face. Every time you go to prepare something she always says she wants to help, and she loves learning from you because you're such a patient teacher.

Sometimes you and Sarah like to let Joel sleep in more than usual on the weekends to give his body some rest after a long week a work, and you'll make him breakfast in bed. He pretends not to hear Sarah giggling as you two walk into your room and “surprise” him with a tray of an elaborate breakfast, and you tell him Sarah did such a great job helping make his coffee and pancakes.

The way this ended up being mostly about food was not planned haha but you know what they say, a key to a man's heart is through his stomach ;) and who wouldn't want to cook and bake for this man, no wonder he's always feeling like shit he never has any time or money to make nutritious meals for himself :(

[yukasyukasyukasyukas]

Random valorant agents headcanons bc I'm sleep deprived

(this means I didn't get my 12 hours of sleep today)

Brimstone

Hugest ally on the VP (which, lets be honest, doesn't mean much since they're all gay)

First person KJ came out to and he was so emotional about it

Constantly tries to get the agents to get closer or at least respect each other but after Cypher mentioned how him and Breach treat one another he gave up

Calls some agents (Viper, Sage and Killjoy) by their first names on the everyday and calls Sova, Chamber and Deadlock (the other ex militars) by their last names

I wanted to hc him an American football team but idk any💞💞💞

Viper

Brimstone and Vyse are the only ones to call her Sabine bc they know her since before the "incident"

KJ also used to call her Sabine before the VP but Viper was bitter abt agents calling her by her first name

Scared for her life of failing Reyna, not because she actually fears her, but because she actually cares about Lucia

Older sister who lost contact with her family

Aroace

Has a snake named Viper that is older than the protocol

Omen

Is annoyed by people mistaking knitting with crochet

Very kind to the younger agents

In his own way though

Killjoy

Has an older sister who doesn't talk to her since she was a teenager

HOW DOES ONE BECOME THE LEAD OF A WHOLE DIVISION ON SUCH A HUGE CORPORATION AT THE AGE OF 18???!$+2+_(not a hc, just a concern)

The fact her dad died before she was born probably has something to do with her closeness to Cypher and Brimstone

Rich af but rents an apartment with another girl and that place is absolutely precarious

Pays the rent monthly even if she doesn't spend a single night there

Has a huge lesbian flag on the living room and that has gotten her very straight roommate into delicate situations with her boyfriends

Her roommate is Brazilian from São Paulo bc I want her to

Very easily impressed by anything Raze does even if it's something she can do a thousand times better

I feel like she would main a duelist if she played val, probably Reyna or Raze

Cypher

Has a picture of his wife and kids on his bedside table

He keeps Nora's favorite clothing and his children's baby toys

Girl dad obv

Killjoy reminds him of his oldest daughter and sometimes he calls her his daughter's name

Hates kingdom but since he joined the protocol he learned how to convive with their workers, even if he doesn't like it most part of the time

Scares little kids on Roblox for fun

Wouldn't mind having a relationship with a man but after Nora he can't imagine himself in another relationship so he doesn't give it a try

(I love him and Nora😭)

Sova

Calls the other agents by their first names

Was friends with Sage since before the protocol

Recommend Sage to Brimstone

One of the only coworkers Viper enjoys the company of

Once he tried to speak Spanish to mess around with Reyna and Raze swore he was speaking Portuguese bc of the accent

Trans bc I want to project into my fav characters

Morning walks

Sage

Calls everyone by their first names

Has two younger siblings but she hasn't had notice of them since she started the monk training

Misses them

Met Skye when researching about her healing powers, Skye was doing the same

Born radiant

Great at cooking but Jett gaslit her into thinking it was bad as a joke and she still believes it

After Harbor joined the VP she got back into cooking

Lesbian bc I said so

Not much close to the other women in the protocol, only Skye, Jett, Neon and Reyna

Closer to the men on the VP (Sova, Brimstone, Cypher, Iso, Omen etc)

Doesn't have a clue of why Clove doesn't like her

Phoenix

Nerd

This man is a canon theater kid, he absolutely LOVES musicals, specially Hamilton and Jett and Raze tease him Abt being British and liking it

Bi

For some reason Jett gaslights him into thinking he's actually gay, obviously never worked

Him and Jett break up for the most ridiculous reasons, they've already broken up more times than one can count on fingers

Banned from every kitchen he steps on

Learned Korean só Jett would shut up about her being bilingual while he only spoke English

Once he let Astra undo his dreads to give him braids, it was the saddest day of his life

Raze bullies him for his style💔💔💔💞

Jett

Can cook five stars dinners but insists on eating leftovers she finds on the fridge and steals from the other agents

Doesn't dare touching Chamber's "monstrosities of dishes"

Makes people their favorite dinner and a special breakfast on their birthdays

Cooks for the whole protocol on weekends

Most my hc surround on the fact she's always eating something and was a chef😔

Gaslights everyone into believing the most random and/or stupid things and has actually convinced Gekko that dog is a common dish in east Asia

First thing she asks every east Asian she meets outside of east Asia is if they eat dog

Sage was mad at her for this

Also bi

Reyna

Actually very caring and worried for most agents

Siblings relationship with Yoru

Randomly starts speaking Spanish to Sage just to annoy her

Learned Chinese just to mess around with Sage

Lesbiana

Flirts with Breach as a joke

Iso actually believed she and Breach were a couple when he arrived

Homophobic to Raze and Killjoy

Non ironically has offered to find Raze a better girlfriend than Killjoy

Wants to be a mother but can't because of her duties and Sage doesn't like children

Raze

BRAZILIPPINES

Hugest anarcocomunist

Grafitti artist

Has sent Kingdom, Killjoy and Viper dozens of blackmails before joining the protocol

Didn't like Killjoy for her first years in the protocol

Boombot was created as a "rebellion" from Killjoy's tech with an alarmbot that Kingdom placed near her house

Has a younger brother who is her absolutely whole world

Capoeira.

Breach

Actually speaks Portuguese very well

Dad jokes

Hates children and the only exception is Raze's younger brother

Please please please please please read the joke I posted😭

Didn't get along with Deadlock nor Chamber at first

Gets along well with Cypher, Harbor and Fade

Likes men and makes it everyone's business and is very annoying to homophobes about it (bi)

Has kissed Harbor once just to see the look of terror on a homophobic guy's eyes

Skye

Lesbian

Owes a personal gun that she uses to scare bigots and idiots in general

Was guilty about rejecting Yoru

Still is very close to him

Skyelock beloved

The ship name should be changed to Hiking Buddies or something

Can make a cat with her powers and it plays with Nightmare when it's starting to affect Fade too much

Closer to Fade than most agents think

Morning walks with Sova and Deadlock

Yoru

Has a huge knowledge on east Asian culture in general

Speaks ainu and a little uchinaguchi

Values culture and tradition more than his life

Constantly educating Jett on Korean traditions???

Mansplains a lot

Neon (single) teases him for being single

Has the "lesbian curse" in which every woman he likes is a lesbian and it's starting to develop into an "aroace curse"

Homophobic to Killjoy

Misogynist to Killjoy

everything you can think that is bad against Killjoy

And Reyna is with him on these

Astra

Pansexual

Nerd on physics

Knows a lot about quantum physics

That was me projecting, sorry

I need more astra content to make more headcanons 😔😔😔

Galaxsea/ astrarbor/ Neptune/ sea star

Born radiant

KAY/O

Doesn't actually have feelings, he's just programmed to make humans feel loved (besides, obviously, being a war machine)

It was a way of keeping the non radiant soldiers hopeful during the radiant war

He's a robot, of course he doesn't have feelings

Killjoy is absolutely fascinated by him and wonders if it was her who built him or at least made his project

The "hatred" he has for the radiants is also a way of keeping the non radiants feeling safe and appreciated

Sage is the exception from his radiant hatred because she's always appeared to be against Reyna's radiant dominant ideal world and he read that as a powerful ally to his cause

He's AI ofc he's gonna be a little dumb even though he's from like 2060

Chamber

I refuse to

Does he like men?

Was homophobic to Killjoy and Raze when they started dating and to Sage and Reyna

Was actually homophobic

Turned out he likes men???

I'm confused

I don't like him

Neon

BRAZILIPPINES

She probably knew Killjoy before the VP or at least heard about her not as an professional but as a person

Definitely likes women

Since she became a radiant at such a young age and os so powerful there were probably lots of accidents

Was mostly isolated from the outside for a long time before the thing that is sticked to her back was finished

That'd explain why she doesn't like making new friends, she doesn't know how to

Knows a lot of stuff involving quantum physics and science since her parents work at kingdom and she has worked with them

Fade

Constantly found sleeping on the floor

Sometimes she leaves Nightmare out of her bedroom to get a peaceful night of sleep

Goes to sleep on about the same time Skye is waking up

Fadelock goes hard too

You'll rarely see her awake but when you do she looks like she hasn't slept in a decade

Doesn't actually sleep, just take 30 min naps throughout the day

Took a while to stop calling Harbor "agent Batra" during missions

I just checked and that is lore inaccurate but idc

Likes men and women, never stopped to think of it as "oh, I'm lgbt" that's just one more small detail about her

Had a cat that her brother gave her when she was a kid, it died of kidney failure a few years before she joined realm

Harbor

History and architecture nerd

Also a philosophy enthusiast

Has a tattoo that says "Memento mori et memento vivere" and that's what caught Astra's attention at first

Him and Astra spend a lot of time just nerding around

He's very caring yet not much protective to the younger agents

Randomly throws water at people who walk by

Breach and Deadlock learned on the hardest way not to be around him with a glass of water

Calls Fade Hazel because at first he thought that was how it was and never corrected it

Older brother of two sister

Pansexual

Gekko

Grafitti artist

Is an only child but is very close to the children is his neighborhood

Gay

That guy looks so gay I'm gonna cry

Has a dog named Lizard

Him and Raze talk to each other in Spanish and Portuguese and it's an absolute nightmare for others to decifrate their alien language

Asked Sage if people actually eat dogs in Asia and was punished for a week, Reyna had lots of fun

Jett still teases him about it

She told Iso about that and every time Gekko asks him what he's eating he says it's dog

Him and Deadlock are actually chill about each other for as long as one doesn't cross the other's boundaries when it comes to his radivores

Deadlock

This woman doesn't have a drop of heterosexuality on her body

She thought she liked Iso but it turned out he was just the only one not asking her to get along with radivores and radiants

Hates when she's called by her first name

Lost contact with her family and legally got rid of her last name

Skye, Sage and Sova call her Iselin or Ise

Fadeskyelock(?)

Used to go on lots of missions involving radivores before the VP but after the polar bear she didn't trust herself near them again

Graduated in biology

She wanted to be a scientist when she was a kid

Used to be obsessed about radivores and radiance before the bear

Iso

Can't cook for his life

Used to think he liked Deadlock but it was just compulsory heterosexuality

Aroace

Not much close with most agents but Sage and Deadlock

Him and Raze are absolute nightmares to go in mission with, those mfs listent to music so loud they can't hear anything else

KJ was scared of him

Only listens to music that are on languages he doesn't speak

Raze showed him Brazilian funk and he started listening to it during missions

Clove

Don't give a shit if they're misgendered

The pet rock is to throw at those who insist that they're a woman even after they correct them

Sleeps the whole day and is awake during the whole night

Immortal, queer, sleeps during the day... Are they a vampire?!

Randomly dresses up fancy and stays on that fit for the whole day, they can be seen wearing a suit during missions in breeze

Spends all their time awake doing unproductive stuff

Vyse

Was a physicist and later got into engeneering

She can't really remember those last years before the scions took her

Was took by the scions by Omen but none of them know

Doesn't like Iso

Her and Viper used to be very close friends, their friendship cou be compared to Jett and Phoenix's, they were very spontaneous

The "incident" was something involving her but no one really remember how it was

Ace

Had a cat named Jaguar

[beanghostprincess]

ShuggyUta family is so cute and funny bc like.

One one hand - AAAA CUTE Uta one day having the EPIPHANY that half of her hair is WHITE, and HAIR DYE EXISTS so she hunts down the closest blue to Buggy's hair. She dyes it in the middle of the night, and either comes out next morning completely casual OR bursts out like "DAD, PAPA, LOOK NOW I HAVE BOTH OF YOU WITH ME :DD"

They both implode immediately ((and Buggy gives her the "The sentiment is so sweet baby, but remember you never ever have to change your appearance to be worthy of love. If you want to, want it for yourself, okay? We love you no matter what" talk))

Then there's also the shenanigans.

Buggy: .... whatchya got there?

Shanks and Uta, both holding one of Luffy's hands, holding cups in the other: ........ smoothies?

<><><><><>

Buggy: Shanks so help me, I TOLD YOU not to get another kid-

Shanks: whaaaaaat? Hahaha, no Bugaboo. You told me very specifically I am not to adopt another child :))

Buggy: so why are there two new children in the kitchen

Luffy: I adopted them!

Uta: we have big brothers now!

Shanks:

Buggy:

Shanks: you told me not to adopt anyone. You didn't tell Lu or Uta.

Buggy: alright. That one's on me.

<><><><><>

Rayleigh, surprise visiting his kids: hello my children, I have swam across the Grandline- is that a kid?

Buggy, Uta on one hip, Sabo on his shoulders, Luffy on his back and Ace clinging to his leg and glaring death at Ray: four, actually.

Ray:

Buggy:

Ray: I'm a grandpa? And you didn't TELL ME??

<><><><><>

Shanks: happy mothers day, Bug!

Buggy: i'm... not a woman?

Shanks: maybe not but you ARE a botto-

Buggy: punches him I'm keeping the roses and chocolates

<><><><><>

Buggy and Shanks teaching them the pirates code, weapons, Haki, sailing, navigation, etc.

Shanks has a moment of "is it really okay to have them on the ship? We were in danger, Bug, it hurt us, what if we're hurting THEM-??"

Buggy smacks him. "We're learning from our dads' mistakes, Red. It's not perfect. We're not perfect. We just need to be the best we can and always put them first. We need to communicate. If we leave them, we can't protect them. If we leave, they'll be on their own. This is the lesser evil. We need to have their security as our priority. We're pirates, but we're parents, too. We can not commit to one over the other, but we can't let it hurt our babies. They're ours now. We are NOT leaving them behind."

<><><><><>

Ace gets a crash course in his history. It's rocky at first, but it's only bc he asks Buggy and Shanks ((separately, mind you)) about "if Gold Roger Had A Kid".

Buggy responds with a snort. "I mean, he kinda had two? But if we had another, then word, I guess? I'd be a little annoyed."

"Bc of his blood?"

"What? No. I'd be pissed that Captain didn't tell me. Asshole move, that. Why do you ask, freckles?"

Shanks, meanwhile, just shrugs. "Ya know how they say blood is thicker than water?"

"... yeah?"

"Yeah, it's bullshit. I wouldn't really care. If Captain had a kid, that's just not my business. I bled with him, for him, and he did for me. I think of him as my father, so I guess that would be sort of like... a little sibling, maybe? But it'd be up to the kid. Your blood doesn't define you, Ace. That's a lesson all good pirates know."

"......... mm."

<><><><><>

Sabo, no warning, in the middle of dinner: I'm a runaway noble.

Shanks: oh neat.

Buggy: oh? Which family? Want me to rob them for you?

Sabo: you aren't mad???

Uta, shrugging: it doesn't matter. You're still a feral jungle brat. Besides, if anyone in the family passes as a fancy pants noble, it's me!

Buggy: 🤨

Uta: ... and mama Bug. I guess.

Luffy: I don't care. Sabo is Sabo.

Ace: yeah, what he said.

Buggy: I will still rob them though.

<><><><><>

That's all I got rn baaaaiiii

Help these are all great 😭 You made my day with this <3

They just keep adopting kids and expanding the family. When they grow up, they get their partners and Zoro, Yamato, Koala, and Perona are there 24/7 because these kids cannot have a normal relationship that isn't based on codependency and both Shanks and Buggy have to deal with four more people around.

Ace telling them he is Roger's child and Sabo telling them he is a noble??? That kills me. They'd be so supportive and protective of them, too. It kills me.

Also, Buggy would ADORE these kids. Rayleigh comes over and sees the whole thing and Shanks thinks he's going to be angry because they didn't tell him but the man is just amazed they managed to have a family of their own without fucking up. Buggy keeps saying it was thanks to him because Shanks wouldn't have been able to do it on his own and, like, everybody agrees.

[persistentplums]

More Venture bro future thoughts p2:

With the timeline as a factor in Venture bros I think Hank would ride the wave of 2000s reality tv and still be an adventurer. After somehow falling into trainings and becoming certified he would probably get the attention of someone who likes his moxy (how can you not) and get him a show.

He runs around the world with a camera guy, and it’s another person pulled into the whirlwind of Hank/ventures. I would like to think bc Dermont is OSI he shows up sometimes. In classic adventure movie fashion there’s always a woman who’s antagonistic (Hank has a type what can we say).

I believe Hank would have an impact culturally like his dad and Jonas but a larger scale. He would be closer to a wrestler/Gordon Ramsey Hell’s Kitchen etc (2000s tv I can’t remember reality tv), dabble in acting, movies, tv, music. Rise of the internet means Hank Nation is a real thing, kids would imitate his stunts, Halloween costumes would be made of him, etc.

Hank would be a bachelor for his life, Hank is great! It’s just he doesn’t slow down, always “on” and all the women he likes kinda want to kill him or he’s into women who aren’t compatible. I would like to think, in a sweet Disney tv show way, Dean kids are trying to set Hank up with someone. Kids can be sweet, and they would love Hank. Even when the kids get older, but whether or not Hank settles down I don’t know. Hank feels like he would grow old and be weird worldly old man in the neighbourhood who has stories upon stories that has loved every inch of the world.

Hank is suited to the quick entertainment output internet put a pedal on so I genuinely think Hank is set for a while. He would make enough to retire still doing everything he does but with the less flashy lifestyle of his career gave him.

Dean definitely hates the idea of being on reality tv so no go for him. Dean helps at Bobbi ranch also with Hank, I’m sure they visit her never officially calling her grandma but it’s the same in energy. Dean gets motivated to help the animals on the ranch, leaning harder into science+biology. Funny enough he ends up in school longer than any Venture but still graduates.

He has bureaucratic messes happening to him, again following timeline of the show we are leaving the classic ages of heroes and villains. 2000s comics were edge on edge, we have anti heroes, villains who do psychological damage (even more) and don’t draw the line. I would like to think Dean who’s already over it, is SUPER over it. A heckler of a “hero”, who weirdly in a Brock sense is a critic of what’s “classy” villainy and gets under a lot of people skin that way. If his Monday night is ruined then EVERYONE Monday night is ruined too.

I think the boys “team up” a lot Hank is never in the same place but his adventures end up crossing Dean’s a lot. If Dean is sent to the moon to examine the water, Hank is there because he heard there might be massive worms only for both to find a villain who is trying to destroy the moon by digging into parts of it with robot worms. Stuff like that!

Dean is the type of person who has a child with a woman who is his arch. Did he know? Nope. Does she love him? Hm. But I think it would be funny that’s how Dean has kids and how a real villain would ensure their spot as Dean Arch. Visitation and “going to moms” is the most elaborate and dramatic part of each week. The kids probably don’t care, mom has a flying lair they get snatched up by.

It’s a little funny to ME, the whole set up that Dean in an effort to ignore this life he’s in has kids with a person he saw the most of and still didn’t put two and two together. Mr and Ms smith esq except we never really know if Ms.Arch loves Dean or not.

They both love their kids deeply and in a weird way Dean is glad the arch who keeps taking his kids isn’t scary to them she’s incredibly harmless to the kids just dramatic. Unlike Myra or any arch/person that has kidnapped Dean, Hank, or even Doc as kids she makes sure the kids are taken very safely and in fun ways. Then cranks up the heat for Dean for seemingly no reason.

(It’s also against my personal belief that Dean is just straight but I want to believe Jared and Dean get together but I like to think Jared and Dean still have a thing going on even when they get older.)

Dean Arch having his kids was a move nobody would do but she committed to the whole thing with glee idk what he did to her but I think it’s a move Monarch would like so that’s my reasoning. Monarch was trying to fuck RobotDoc I think he would respect the underhanded approach of marrying your nemesis and having his kids but would 100% be so aghast.

Monarch obviously believes in love, the show is all about love so I think it would be a good problem of “modern villainy” mindset. How the game is changing and things don’t stay the same. (She isn’t devoid of love, but with every joke you gotta have a consequence ykwim) with that in mind OSI also has the problem with modernization.

Nobody respects the classics anymore but we can’t keep recycling them, things need to keep moving on and I would think this is a fun problem for all characters to deal with in some aspect. Hank leaning into reality tv, Dean technically married and divorced to his arch, the new wave of villains, what heroes exist organically anymore etc

That’s it! For now!

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

Lucas & I had an..... exciting day with Philip and Annabelle. P. & I met in a park. It was all good, but as soon as we arrived at P’s place, it got stressful. My little one started to cry & scream. He was almost 2 months old and actually, he didn’t cry so much anymore, like the first weeks before. I kind of panicked. I thought he wasn’t well? Maybe I should take him to an emergency room? I was suddenly completely insecure again and just didn’t know what to do?

Annabelle was a much calmer and more balanced Baby than Lucas. She was 18 months now, almost 2 years old. While Philip tried to calm Lucas down, Annabelle was playing on the floor next to us in the living room. At first she didn’t pay much attention to Lucas, but when her Dad took him in his arms, Annabelle got a little.... moody too. I think she was jealous. I went to her, to get her to us on the couch.

Me: Sorry P.! I didn’t mean to yell at you. I panicked, yk?

Philip: Yea, I got it! But honestly, A., what’s going on? Why can’t you hold your son? I mean, you just stood there, he cried, you didn’t do anything. That’s why I picked him up. I didn’t mean to upset you, by thinking I could do better than you.

Me: Like I said, I just panicked a bit.

Philip: Why do you react when Annabelle cries, but not Lucas? She didn’t even cry, she's just fussy.

Me: I can and I want to hold my Baby! Give him to me, pls.

Philip:.... Uhm..... What the hell are you singing?? 😄

Me: Lucas likes it.

Philip: A birthday song?? Are you ok?

Me: I couldn’t think of anything better, but he likes it. And now give me my son!

Strangely enough, whenever I sing this Baby BD- song for Lucas, he has to poop. 🤔 Anyway, I think it was time for us to go home. Lucas got restless again. But Philip wanted to play with him & Annabelle. He put Lucas on a pillow on the floor, next to Annabelle.

That was really cute to watch tbh. While my little one was busy with Annabelle, I went to the kitchen to pack Lucas' baby stuff. I just wanted to go home. 😞

Philip noticed that I was acting strange and followed me into the kitchen. He asked me to be honest. Something didn’t seem right to him? He wanted to help me. Well, I told him I was always scared for Lucas, bcs he got withdrawal symptoms in the hospital and I can not cope with it. Sometimes when Lucas cries, I don’t dare to take him in my arms. I love my Baby, more than anything! I want to comfort him, and calm him down, but my fear of making it worse gets in the way. And although I have a family that helps and supports me, I feel lonely. No matter what I do, it's always wrong. I also told him that my Mom accused me, that I didn’t care about Lucas. But I do! I care and take care of him, but I’m never good enough for my Mother. I no longer felt comfortable with my parents at home. I am under constant observation and pressure. Everything I do is not right for them. I was slowly reaching my limits. I just waited for Nico and hoped, that everything would be better once he comes back home. But I asked Philip to keep all this to himself.

Philip: I won’t tell aN.. But... you should try to talk to him. Maybe you’ll feel better? He told me he's proud of you. You did all right.

Me: Really? But.... how does he know? He’s not here.

Philip: You were terribly afraid of the C-section, but you did great, he said. And even later you were so strong, you never complained, you just did what was necessary and gave your best.

Me: I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t even nurse my Baby. I only harmed him ..... But well, I’ll still try to do better. 😢

Philip: You’re doing great! A baby is exhausting. But don't worry, it's getting easier already, I promise.

Me: Ok. I believe you.

Previous/Next

[thelibrarian1895]

The Bats Are Trolls

I toy with the idea but haven’t figured how I want this as a full fic so tossing it into the ether, do with it what you will

Concept: Stupid magic user erases knowledge of Bat family from world as part of very dumb plan, Gotham only knows them as rumors and that’s because they’re Gotham’s heroes and Bruce has TONS of magic neutralizing things scattered around Gotham just in case, Justice League knows something is off but can’t quite figure out what’s going on and Batman’s annoyed with everyone questioning him while he’s trying to clean up the mess and the Robins (Robins will be a term that includes Cass even though she’s possibly the only one that never wore the R which is sad and needs to be fixed) decide now is a good time to troll the league (possible dash of angst because Tim’s friends don’t know who he is and the poor boy needs his friends or Tim takes this time to troll them more than he’s been able to for years and Tim is my favorite Robin)

Featuring Batman on Watchtower and for some reason the majority of his kids decided to follow, because they’re all chaotic trolls, and that includes Batman

When JL asks where Batman got all these heroes to follow him

Dick: I’m his love child with Vengeance (Bc one of the driving things that got Dick to be a vigilante was wanting vengeance for his parents’ murder)

Jason: I was told there’d be candy

Tim: Batman and Gotham had an accident and I’m the result, they’re being much more careful now

Stephanie: I was told there’d be candy

JL: Do kids in Gotham not understand that taking candy from strangers is a bad thing? Red Hood said that too

Steph: Have you ever been to Gotham? If you want candy you can actually eat instead candy that’s absolutely drugged and probably full of razor blades or ground glass, Batman’s basically the only source.

Damian: I am the son and heir of Batman

JL possibly a Flash: So Batman had another kid with Vengeance? Or Gotham? How? Are there other heroes named Vengeance and Gotham?

Tim: No, Nightwing’s parent was the concept of Vengeance, mine was the personification of Gotham. *Gestures to Damian* His is the Night, her parent *gestures towards Cassandra* is Justice

JL probably a Lantern: Didn’t Batman ever learn to wrap it up?

Stephanie: Dude, gross, do you ask your dad that kind of thing?

Tim sweet stalker boy who has weird sense of boundaries: He had a vasectomy ages ago, it’s in his medical files, but that wouldn’t really stop someone like the brat’s mother, or certain others

JL possibly Diana: Others?

Tim: Did you really think we’re Batman’s only children? *ignoring implication JL wanted to know about Batman’s theoretical baby mamas*

JL possibly a very worried Clark: How many others? How many other children does he have I mean?

Dick: Good question

Jason: Depends on the day

Tim: I have the current list with me *pulls out book the size of a dictionary*

JL: Why does it say “Hit List” on the front?

Dick: Robin started it and we haven’t had the time to think of a better name that we can all agree on

 This is true on several levels, Tim started to put together the book after the nth new kid from a different multiverse to try to help keep things straight for everyone since some of the kids were great like Terry or Father Todd while others were Joker Jr. or a Talon, none of the Robins will admit who named the list and all of them have a terrible sense of humor

 Dumb mage’s mistake is eventually undone, JL realizes they’ve met more of Batman’s kids during that point than they have…ever, they really only interact with Nightwing on a regular basis and Red Robin sometimes

[aballadforbarbatos]

a gift for satan, the master tutor

btw this one is like. 80 points long so gl with that. i had fun with it though! hopefully you do too ^.^

“listen. satan. let’s go out.”

his brain totally stops at that. nobody else seems to notice- did you whisper it? he can’t quite remember! he needs to reboot his brain, hold on a second MC

“hellooo? satan? i asked if you wanted to go out with me to town? on a shopping trip?”

so not a date then. WELL NO WONDER NOBODY LOOKED OVER AT THEM BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE

there also wasn’t a single question there, so he can’t help but suspect you were trying to tease him with the possibility of reciprocated love…

you smile at him. he thinks about saying no in retaliation. but then… what if asmo goes with you instead… or mammon… can he really risk that? no.

great day in town too btw. nice and warm and peaceful. you say something about how lucifer would give you his credit card if you got 100% on all your exams, and you did! satan thinks about how lucifer is such a goddamn sap when it comes to you. grow a backbone, loser

“so where are we going?”

“clothes shopping!”

ugh. he hates clothes shopping. it’s so boring, and he has enough in his wardrobe. so do you actually, why are you choosing to go CLOTHES shopping with lucifer’s credit card?? you already have enough?!

he voices this. but nicely. you shake your head and laugh.

“no, silly! we are going clothes shopping for YOU.”

we what now

“no offence, and i mean this with my whole heart, but your clothes are so incredibly ugly. it always looks like you got dressed in the dark. this belt looks like the one i had when i was 11.”

ok, rude

“it’s a good thing you’re a demon bc your closet is a sin in itself”

:( he thinks it looks nice!

“tbh i am embarrassed to be out with you looking like that, but for today it's fine because it’s for the greater good”

apparently it does not look as nice as he originally thought. ok

well, it’s lucifer’s credit card, and he gets to spend the day with you, so it COULD be worse

majolish is up first

he does a lot of standing around while you play around with clothes

“it’s kinda hard to see how this would look on you because your jacket is so goddamn ugly. can you take off your shirt for a second”

TOTALLY misses the flirtatious tone in that sentence and is just offended instead

then it clicks what you asked him. but he still doesn’t get what you were talking about and just gets nervous

“mc we are in public?????????”

you give him a Look.

he doesn’t understand why (he will hours later) (he will burst into your room while there’s another brother in there and say “i’ll take my shirt off for you mc!” and pull it off and the brother will punch him in the stomach. i’m thinking of mammon when i write this)

you find a sales attendant

“hey so i’m gonna burn all his current clothes because they’re awful”

you gesture at his outfit

YOU’RE GOING TO BURN ALL HIS CLOTHES??

WHY IS THE ATTENDANT NODDING LIKE SHE UNDERSTANDS??

“the jacket is distracting me because it’s ugly. can you help me out here?”

“have you tried taking it off?”

“i asked but he whined”

YOU DIDN’T ASK DON’T LIE AND DON’T LIE ABOUT HIM?

the attendant purses her lips but keeps her mouth shut. probably because he’s the avatar of wrath

“it’s so terrible because when you look at his face he’s hot, but then you look at the rest of his outfit and realise you value your dignity more. imagine how much of a heartthrob he could be if he didn’t permanently look like he was getting dressed in the dark!”

mc. what the fuck? HE’S NEVER HEARD SUCH A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT

“i see. this could cost a lot of money…”

“it’s okay. we have his dad’s credit card.”

he’s going to strangle you. he starts thinking about how to kill you. au revoir mc. it is the end of your life. you will not get a gravestone.

then he remembers how much he’ll miss you. FUCK.

satan settles for a very strong glare. scowl and everything

“um. what size is he?”

“great question. satan take off your shirt so we can find out”

he does not. he still doesn’t get it. he does know his size though so he lets the demon know and then she does her thing.

then it’s trying on clothes. DAMN he hates this. this is terrible and SO BORING. how tf does asmo do it

it takes forever too :(

the demon whispers in your ear.

“hey satan have you tried wearing pants that fit you so we don’t have to suffer through the ugly belts you choose”

at least asmo isn’t here with you???

he finishes shopping with you at SEVEN O’CLOCK. HE SPENT NINE HOURS SUFFERING THROUGH THIS

you even asked if he could wear one of his new outfits out of the store and fold up the other one, and that’s how he ended up wearing something more “stylish”

you pay for them to deliver his new clothes to the house of lamentation via truck because you decide you can’t be bothered carrying the boxes.

not that it would be possible there’s like 20 there and they’re NOT small

“i feel like we’ve hit the spending limit on lucifer’s card even though it doesn’t have a limit”

honestly he feels like that too. but he’s a lot less remorseful about it than you apparently are

you grab his hand and squeeze it and look at him with such a lovely warm smile that it makes this whole day worth it.

you really wipe away all his suffering with a smile. this is really bad for him, satan is in for a whole world of trouble with you

you squeeze his hand

augh he’s so in love with you this is terrible. but so GOOD at the same time it’s a complicated thing don’t ask him to explain it

“now we get to go home and have fun!”

have fun…?

OH RIGHT YOU’RE GOING TO BURN ALL HIS CLOTHES HE TOTALLY FORGOT

“we don’t have to go that far”

“no we do. we can get belphie and asmo in on it too!”

so that’s how he’s spending his saturday night. burning all his clothes.

asmo says this is a celebration and brings music

belphie brings gasoline

asmo says that it’s fabric so there’s no need for gasoline

belphie pours more on the clothes like he’s making a point. satan has no idea what the point is

you bring out the rest of his clothes and tell him to kiss them goodbye

“can i at least keep the jacket?”

loud sigh from you! whY??

“ok sure whatever. now lets light these things on fire!”

asmo and you are having a great time. belphie is watching them all go up in flames from his spot on the ground

lucifer comes out and yells at you both but you’re too busy dancing in front of the fire to pay attention

“dance with me?”

satan feels a smile tug at his lips as he takes your hand.

he’s in love with you.

he’s so in love with you.

his heart will beat for you forever, taken in by your evil doings and gentle ways.

and tonight he’ll dance with you until the flames subside and you tell him to stop.

[worshippin]

i feel bad to even say this but it has been nagging at me so.

one of the reasons why the "main character" statements have been made about imogen is bc of the exact thing she did in ep107: completely hijacking fearne's moment. i mean, woof.

i know they're friends playing a game, i know laura probably didn't mean it/was playing into imogen's panicked headspace (she apologized in the moment) and i usually love laura's choices in any campaign, but man.. it's very frustrating. it's not the first time and it's very disheartening. it made me so uncomfortable and really angry on fearne's behalf, especially when it's clear that ashley isn't a fast-paced player and her choices take time -- not only when she acts but as she awaits the results. whenever something is happening that is imogen-centric everyone keeps quiet or say encouraging words but ultimately let her decide, but when it's fearne that is center stage everyone keeps pulling this kind of shit and not letting her have her choices breathe and unravel, letting her control how she wants her narrative to play out.

matt is a great DM and it's very obvious he makes sure to pull ashley in and give her opportunities for fearne to shine, and sometimes his gentle steering pays off greatly so that she allows herself to make any choice, no matter how bold, but in the end he does have to account for everyone's input as well-- which is to say, it can't only be his responsibility to uplift her and as of late it sometimes feels like it is? and idk it's not... great. and look, all things considered this is a show, so it's very frustating to watch.

like, when imogen went home to her dad fearne was nothing but supportive and made sure to ask how imogen was feeling and what was the course of action they were to take and she basically knighted herself as imogen's best friend, protector and follower. imogen had her big familial moment (and lbr she keeps having them). and now it's fearne turn to deal with her daddy issues and imogen can't wait ten fucking seconds for fearne's decision about wether to ally themselves with her father or not? fearne was already conflicted. she didn't feel guilty about the prospect of killing zathuda, but she was hesitating for a reason. she was interested in what he was telling her and what other information she could extract from him. and that's what matters. and that's why it was frustrating to have that taken away so quickly. it felt dismissive of not only fearne's story but of ashley's play. iirc travis was expecting and seemed excited for her to do something big - maybe cast a spell on gloamglut (i was on the edge of my seat thinking she was gonna tame that dragon or polymorph him!). ashton and braius were worried about the dragon and the temple crumbling on top of them; orym was also worried about the dragon and being diplomatic. but imogen popped off before giving fearne a chance. and y'know, sure, idk, maybe i am reading too much into it! maybe my love for fearne is making me see things a bit too harshly. but it doesn't feel like that. it feels like (another) opportunity wasted.

now i do hope this gets addressed next ep, in some way shape or form. one could argue this was just imogen panicking and trying to prevent them from getting separated again, like when ludinus tried to take fearne away. but eh, at this point i doubt that's how she feels (i mean, i sure hope. but wish is a 9th level spell and i don't have access to those yet). she just wanted to kill zathuda.

TL;DR the fact that she attacked before zathuda answered fearne completely derailed everything and shifted the focus from fearne. and yeah, sure, imogen is not the main character. but sometimes it feels like she wants to be, to control everything, fearne's feelings and choices be damned. i don't think anyone in the cast is careless or purposefully dismissive. i don't think it came from a place of malice, of course not. maybe it's just what imogen would do: unknowingly interrupting every moment. it happened. and it keeps happening. but fearne deserves better.

[itsjaywalkers]

Hi love! Hope you’re having an amazing day!! 🩷🩷

BartyLily is growing on me! Do you have any headcanons for them you don’t mind sharing?

HI BABE i am having a pretty nice day yes!! thank you <3 i hope yours is great too <333

nothing brings me more joy than someone possibly joining us in our bartylily madness.. and do i HAVE any headcanons??? oh abigail i could talk about them nonstop for hours

the beginning of their . relationship . was pretty rocky despite how curious they were about each other bc it was hard to let go of their prejudices. like even after realising they were wrong, it was difficult to simply get rid of all the assumptions they had made after so many years. meaning they argued quite a lot (barty absolutely loves bickering with her bc lily has such a sharp tongue and he's obsessed with how that clashes with her almost angelical appearance)

barty gives her rides on his old almost broken-down motorbike because he likes doing things for her and also bc lily thinks the whole motorbike thing is lame but incredibly attractive at the same time

he calls her 'princess' <3 it makes her roll her eyes and blush all pretty <3

before they start dating tho they refer to each other by surnames . in a very insulting + sexually charged way

barty has done every single one of lily's tattoos

study dates <3

they began talking and spending time alone together after burnout started to get to lily during exam season and barty found her smoking outside the library and asked her for a cig

almost all of lily's friends hate barty or are wary of him but she doesn't give a Fuck

they can be themselves around each other, barty can stop pretending he doesn't care or act like nothing can touch him and lily doesn't need to be the perfect daughter the perfect friend the perfect girl and just . be angry . be mean . be ugly

lily steals barty's jumpers and he loses his mind a little whenever he sees her wearing his clothes

he asks her to be his date for the uni's graduation dance standing outside her dorm holding a boombox in one hand and a flower bouquet he stole and that's completely squashed in the other, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips and wearing sunglasses even tho it's like . 2am .

he wakes everyone up and someone calls the police and they end up arresting him when he refuses to cooperate until he hears lily's answer

she says yes and they make out while the cops are handcuffing him

lily goes to the dance wearing the most beautiful princess-ish dress ever looking like a literal dream with barty hanging off her arm wearing a rumpled suit, tie loose from tugging at it and shirt half undone + covered in blood from this one dude he punched after he looked at lily the wrong way

she takes him to meet her family on a sunday

her dad is terrified of barty. her mum keeps laughing hysterically at everything he says. petunia's right eye keeps twitching

they're in love <3

[goldenlavendered]

welcome to my enclosure I have many thoughts and doodles abt lila (shipping mostly)

[ID in ALT!]

hc dump under cut (it gets LONGG lol)

General:

anthro au specific but since my Skid & Lila are both cats, some nights they'll just sit in total darkness (bc cats can see in the dark). it is great and enriching for both of them.

adding onto that, ever since Pump started coming over they added some glow in the dark star stickers along the walls to help him find his way around :)

Lila is transfem to me . I don't need proof or elaboration this is just something I know in my heart /lh

she probably started transitioning pretty young, which is something she feels lucky for. her parents were supportive ^_^ !!

that being said, her parents were rather protective, and she didn't get out too much as a youngin.

-- that is why she was so lax with Skid going outside. she was kind of overcorrecting for that.

She was probably deep into alt fashion in college (elaborated on later)

Shipping Opinions:

I am just some guy on the internet, if you like a ship I don't, that's great and I love that for you! Live your life.

Goldenlavender (x Jaune): gestures at url. I think it is funny. also.

I feel like they've quietly been pining for a very long time now, but they've both been friends for so long and don't want things to change.

there's something quiet and unstated, but definitely there between them. they don't kiss or anything, but they hold each other really close and aren't too shy about being affectionate. you know?

women who are best friends.

also ross would finally have a parent who can pass off as a natural reason why he has black hair. he is beating the hair dye allegations!!!!!!

Grapecandy (x Kevin): I'll be honest right now. I keep thinking Kevin's, like, 17.

He isn't, I think. But I literally didn't even think of him as being a suitable option for her for a while LMAO

I think I can sum up all of the wagegang x Lila thoughts here: It just doesn't compel me, unfortunately. I don't see their potential dynamic as being particularly funny, or spawning interesting drama. Shrugs. Sorry!

specifically w Kevin though I think they would break up as soon as Skid is brought up LMAO. like he doesn't hate the kid but he isn't ready to be a stepfather imo.

(x Bob): Do they have a ship name? Anyw the age gap isn't my main issue with it. Lila's in her late 20s at the youngest, and they're both adults. I don't think anyone means tiny witch Lila when they bring this ship up anyways

nor is the stalking or attempted murder. I had a creepypasta phase, these behaviors are obviously Very Bad irl but they can be interesting to see in fiction. morbid curiosity and whatever.

My main issue is that their potential relationship is so much more interesting if it isn't romantic, you know? Like, how do they know each other? What was he to her? Why did she react so strongly to seeing him in her past? She seems eager to try to reject the idea that the man in the photo is him, but why? Was he important to her? Did she care about him?

TL;DR: I want more fics abt these two's relationship, but specifically non-romantically.

Deadflowers (x Patty): Not sure about this ship name. I don't see this one often. Anyw, I don't actually have any thoughts on Patty, so this is going to be super short.

I think they might have a nice time together on a date, but I don't think it could be anything serious.

Though, if they did.. overworked x overworked means they'll have to take care of the other, even tho it'll mean they call each other hypocrites for working so much all the time.

I could see it as a background/dressing ship, but not really as the focus of anything. sorry girls

Poisonwine (x Skid's Dad): I want to know more from onscreen canon first!!! But I think they could be super interesting!!!

The tweet that implies that he didn't care bout Lila is. hROUUUGH (<- thang whose heart is breaking). He didn't care, but did she know that? Did she care? I feel like she did..

There's no way Lila doesn't know about the cult. I'm a believer that she was a part of it herself until he died (the robes, "Remember Lila") ...Did she join because of her own beliefs, or because her husband was in it? Did he have to coerce her at all?

I think he was a good dad to Skid.

You may notice this is a lot of me dancing around what I actually think they're like. That's because I don't want to really solidify any specific readings of what's going on here. I am embracing the future with open arms!!

they're t4t tho this is non-negotiable /silly

RoyalPurple (x Carmen): this was supposed to have its' own section but now I'm making a fic with them so just. wait a minute there HAHAHA /silly

(& Streber): this is a Specifically platonic headcanon but I like to think they ve gone to the same university. They're definitely in diff strands, Streber to Engineering and Lila to Architecture, but they could've met through an org and just been pals.

They weren't suuper close or anything, but they were birds of a feather. Girl who goes to class with chokers and giant boots, and guy dressed like a victorian fantasy LARPer.

I think she sent him flowers or a get well card in the hospital :) [miserable hand shake between them abt being personally victimized by Bob]

The Ships That Don't Have Doodles

these will just be single bullet points!

(x F. Gregor): same comments as wagegang x Lila; doesn't compel me. Nothing's wrong with it, I just don't see it.

(x Dexter): this is only funny to me because I draw Lila and co as cats in the Anthro AU. he calls her a stupid bitch, we can move on.

(x Jack): I could see a onesided crush from his side, like "the lady who keeps calling is kinda cute" but I don't know if I could see it getting serious. she can give him a smooch if he wants, as a treat.

(x John): ok this one could actually be really cute. eatyourmaker's post abt Skid and John getting along is super adorable and I could maybe imagine Lila hitting it off with him after seeing how much he cares for Skid. maybe Skid plays matchmaker. this could work. I like it.

(x Ignacio): in the deleted scenes she tried to beat a teen to death for calling Skid a dumbass, I don't think she could get over the threats.

(x Fat Thief/Thin Thief): this could be funny if she was still mad at them for breaking in repeatedly. she doesn't seem threatened by them just irritated LMAO

(x Frank): childhood friends who don't really talk but are chill with each other. they're funny. I don't feel the romance tho. S&P's cool uncle

(x Pump & Susie's Parents): Pump & Susie officially get Skid as a brother AND they finally have one (1) parent who isn't always absent, just sometimes absent. other than as a background detail tho there's nothing here.

(x Mayor Evermore): they would ignore each other on the street on purpose

(x Moloch): he didnt get to but he WOULD call her a bitch.

(x Richard): poor man's Lila x Carmen

(x Spider): please let my girl beat the spiderfucker allegations.

[walrus150915]

Have you guys seen my other post talking about how Ambrosius n Ballister would look when they're middle aged?

Yea okay nvm I drew them together as old men yaoi again bc it's very funny

Ambrosius, you old rascal!👀

I love depicting older queer people being in love and living a calm cozy life with their families bc idk man... It makes me hopeful for the future

Ft. their kid Aquila and their kid-family friend-aunt-uncle-grandparent Nimona being annoyed with them (and I mean- wouldn't you be?)

By the way this post is framed I guess you could tell where I'm going with this

Headcanon time for the Boldheart household when Nimona is 1030yo, Ambrosius and Ballister are in their late 40s and their kid is a tween

- Nimona is a free traveler. She's done so many round-the-world trips that Magellan may choke from jealousy while burning in hell

- No matter where she is tho, she always comes back to Ballister and always shares new things she's seen and new friends she's made - people and animals alike. YES SHE HAS A TON OF FRIENDS SHE ALWAYS WANTED BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE DESERVES!!! MY BABY😭

- She always makes her comeback a surprise: jumps from the roof on Bal's head, flies dramatically, knocks on the door to pretend she's a deliveryman or a postman

- Ballister works as an engineer bc the raw SKILL this fella used to build an arm WHILE having one is unmatched. "If you're good at something, you gotta proceed to get a career in this field, otherwise you're just wasting your potential" © my Asian mom (jk don't do this. I'm no professional artist but I draw bc it's my hobby)

- He probably worked on the deconstruction of the wall. The symbolism would be great + it'd make sense for his character!

- My man is overworking because of course he does. Nimona tries her best to slap it out of him but this man is a workaholic and nothing can fix it I'm afraid

- I have no idea what Ambrosius's job is. Sry😭

- I know it must be something artsy and something which doesn't bring much money. Ambrosius is BLOOMING at work tho. He's doing something he likes! Not something his parents made him do! And he's enjoying it! Knowing he'll get back home to his kid and husband and Nimona and hug them all sweetly!!

- Aquila is mostly B-student who's described as "Your child studies well, Mr Boldheart, but they need to be more active and social in the class"

- Aquila doesn't have much friends outside of their family. Their parents and Nimona are worried about it more than they are

- Nimona made it her undertaking to make sure Aquila doesn't feel the way she used to in a situation like this

- When she's in the mood, Nimona takes Aquila to school by using her powers. It's pretty much the norm for Aquila to arrive to school on the horse or on the back of an eagle or on the rhino lol

If we've started with Goldenheart, I guess we could also continue with them? (a tiny bit of spice under the cut)

- They're still disgustingly in love. Like it's cringy how in love they are

- They try to keep the sparkle alive no matter how repetitive their routine gets

- Slow dancing (which is actually just cuddling and rocking side to side together) in the kitchen? Kissing each other before and after work? Having romantic dinners from time to time? Yea that's their kinda stuff

- That sparkle also includes trying out new things in bed. They don't have as much energy as they used to tho😭 Instead of going two or even three rounds like they used to they'd rather just sleep WJJSSJJAJJWEJSJS

- [seahorse dad Bal since trans!Ballister headcanon is one of my favorites] Ambrosius's worshipping of Ballister's body increased 100x after Aquila was born bc THIS FELLOW MAN whom he loves VERY MUCH beared THEIR CHILD in his body for 9 months, how's that not amazing? A thing this man has for competence of his husband is insaneeeee

- I feel like their love life has only got better as the time went on

- As all parents do, these two learnt how to do everything very quietly

- Nimona could finally sleep calmly thank the creator they had a kid who made them learn

Okay I'm done with spice. Let's talk sweet (aka random ig)

- Bal cracks his joints a lot (grandpa LLLLL)

- Aquila DOES NOT have it good on Father's day

- Nimona teases Ballister for getting older (as a joke) but she's kinda worried about him, since he does get grey hair, wrinkles n stuff and. Uh. She doesn't. So-

I'M SORRY IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE ANGSTY

- Aquila is trilingual so real of them

- Yea the Boldheart household is multilingual. One could say something in English and the other would answer in Urdu no problem

I think that's about it. I blogged this earlier than planned bc I pressed the wrong button but I hope you enjoy this whiplash of my brainrot nevertheless

Heading to school rn. See ya when I come up with new things to talk abt wfvbhhnj!!!

[sardonic-sprite]

SPRITE OH MY GOODNESS

NOW THAT YOU’RE BACK

Thoughts on The Underworld Saga?

ALL I HEAR ARE SCREAMS

They're mine. I'm the one screaming. Loudly.

It's so good it's so fucking. Ahhhhhhhh.

I accidentally like half memorized it already lmao, as well as Circe Saga, which I already had to catch up on and I ADORE them both, I will have literal blow-by-blow rants coming for every song in this show BUT IN SUMMARY FOR UNDERWORLD SAGA

"The Underworld"

So cool to have them GO to the underworld bc I asked my dad (who read the odyssey a long time ago) about the prophet and in the poem odysseus just summons Tireas's spirit so.

It starts quiet then eventually you actually hear the wails of the souls and it's v chilling and a great detail to add

The entire chorus is so good, it's survivors guilt in like 3 sentences, Jay, how?

I keep thinking of the infant from that night, I keep thinking of the infant from that night

POLITES!

And then it goes dead silent and then this soft wail of "waaaiiittttinnnnng!" And odysseus's reaction, oh lord, the way this of everything seems to hit home. The soft, quiet "Why, Mom?"

KEY CHANGE! DRAMA! And then unlike ending down the two previous times, where it gets softer, they end shouting DOWN JN THE UNDERWORLD! And it's almost like the underworld owns their screams too now

"No Longer You"

Tireas's voice is perfect I just. It's got this breathy edge making it ghostly ad then it's so low and soft it's kind of like

Ugh the whole song seems like a cross between a lullaby and a waltz and both are minor key and creepy as FUCK and I love it and wish I had the vocabulary to express this concept better

What?

A man who gets to make it home alive, but it's no longer you. As the audience we know what this means. Odysseus survives and makes it back but he is so vastly changed that he is "no longer" the man who left for war. But in the pernicious way of prophecies, this is left unclarified and I don't even know if Tireas does this on purpose. Maybe he genuinely sees it all fuzzy (unlikely to me given other details he gives) maybe he thinks Odysseus is clever enough to understand (you'd think he'd change his literal tune when Odysseus keeps reacting the way he does) and maybe... maybe Tireas just doesn't fuckin give a shit. Here's your prophecy bitch let's see you battle it til you come back down here to never leave again

The rage in Odysseus's voice when he screams WHO!? This might be me wanting to make him like unrealistically good with his wife, but it almost seems like rage on behalf of Penelope? Like he's angry someone perhaps tricked or forced her into wedlock? Idk it feels like if he was reacting to the idea that she was cheating, he'd scream "what" again

And tireas literally repeats himself he's so fucking unhelpfjl and tbh of course odysseus is gonna go off the rails. I can't honestly blame him 😂

"Monster"

I'm the only one who's line is haven't crossed. Um. Boyo I'm pretty sure you did a long jump over your line with the infant thing. Other than that tho it's such an interesting line esp bc it's true like. So many people have given odysseus advice and told him limits they want to set, and he's pushed through all of it. That literally has made him the primary danger to his crew in a lot of ways

OK the whole section where hengoes through the examples of the cyclops, circe the witch, poseidon the god, and finally turns to himself and the horse, basically SPITTING out the words- I love it all, I love the rhythm, the rhymes, the reasoning he goes through... so good

OK it gets quite andnthennthat soft, low "Oh, ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves" and it starts to build, he's shouting out what he's lost and what he needs to keep, and his plan, and finally screams "THEN ILL BECOME THE MONSTER"

Ugh building om that last it's so fucking interesting bc this is both corruption and sacrifice, this change that odysseus is kindnof allowing within himself. He's built up all this time thar he wants to stop losing his men, so it can be read as him being a good leader, willing to put his personal need (integrity) aside to keep them safer.

But on the other hand, who is he talking to/about the entire end? Penelope and telemachus. He's got to see them. He wants/needs to, and he's frankly doing this for them, and like it all sounded reasonable until he says he'll fucking drop a baby off a a wall "in an instant" and you go WHOA.

He's no longer himself. All itntakes is one fucking song, odysseus declares he's not just crossing his own line, the last line, he's obliterating that line completely. There is no more line for this man, anywhere. He's going to do anything he fucking has to

But not for his men. For Penelope and telemachus

It's so much devotion and corruption and love and desperation and holy hell it is so good and it flows through so naturally that you hardly notice what's really going on unti you watch thr lyrics change

So yeah I think the underworld saga is near 🙃