#tw: cptsd

[the-ghost-bird]

Hypervigilance and Paranoia; I wish I could blink.

Not Even This by Ocean Vuong | Skinny Dipping by Ocean Vuong | Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher | Courtney Love Prays To Oregon by Clementine Von Radics | Francis Bacon's Last Interview by Francis Giacobetti | Angry Chair by Alice in Chains | Waiting by Marya Hornbacher | The Truth About Grief by Fortesa Latifi | Memorial Drive by Natasha Trethewey | If My Body Could Speak by Blythe Baird | Every Day I Am Trying New Techniques To Make Myself Disappear by E. E. Scott | via @yellowplumfruit | Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo | Intimacy by Marge Piercy | The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood | Letter to Violet Dickinson by Virginia Woolf | It’s Sunday Morning in Early November by Philip Schultz | Kait Rokowski

[meili-sheep]

Ooo! We making neurodivergent headcannons? Excellent.

ADHD Kaeya and autistic Diluc are so good to me. Kaeya needs near constant stimulation, his mind is going a mile a minute, and hes prone to blocking out the world when deep in thought or hyperfixating. SUPER impulsive to boot.

Diluc tends to prefer less stimulation, getting worked up if multiple things are happening at once. Change is his worst enemy, hes had a hard time coping with it since childhood. Tends to come off as rude/blunt, his tone doesn't have a very wide range. Expression range is limited as well. He has his way of doing things that may seem strange to others, but he sticks to it for comfort. Struggles with transitions.

In addition, Kaeya has had C-PTSD since early childhood as well as anxiety that tends to present as OCD/Paranoid traits. Dissociation and intrusive thoughts are common. He also has BPD which influences a lot. Man has a LOT of brain stuff going on.

Well I kind of have the opposite view.

While I think Kaeya's on the spectrum, he leans really heavily into masking habits. And is the better of the pair in social situations. Always has been. He doesn't need as much stimulation and actually prefers not to really feel things. (Thus, his love of drinking, he likes the numbness) And I do think he had depression and defiantly has anxiety and paranoid traits. I don't think he's got BPD, OCD or C-PTSD.

I think he's very prone to dissociation and compartmentalization. And C-PTSD (I'm not an expert by any means, so don't take my word. Especially don't if you have these and it helps you by projecting them onto Kaeya, fuck whatever I say that that point. It's whatever makes you happy.) comes from a long-lasting trauma, and I don't think even before he was with the Ragnvindrs, he was treated too poorly. Was he under a lot of stress? Yes. But he coped with dissociation and compartmentalization. He keeps things separated, and if he can not think about it. He won't.

Diluc, on the other. Is very much a guy who needs a lot of stimulation. It's why he likes games like chess. He is constantly thinking five steps ahead. And doesn't really know any other way. He's defiantly more blunt, honestly, and not nearly as tactful as Kaeya is. Socially he's best in a formal setting where he can follow the rules of a social setting. In a personal space? He has no clue what to do other than talk about how cool birds are. Which is why he also hates small talk. He just can't do it.

He is a lot more malleable to change than he's given credit for.

Like living four years in the wild will do that for you. But he's also a lot more accepting of change if it's for the sake of another. See his teapot lines if you don't believe me. Like he's very willing to not only get used to the setting of the teapot, but he wants to learn more so he can have a topic that you'll enjoy talking about. He's very aware that his interests are well his and not everyone will like them. And granted, he still treats conversation like a chore, but he's invested in the friendship, so he's very hard working about it.

[overobsessedfanboy23]

Well fuck. That line (and this whole backstory in general) doesn’t hit hard at all. Nope. Totally don’t relate to not being able to trust anyone after a traumatic situation and thus walling up and isolating emotionally and physically from everyone. Not at all.

In case my sarcasm wasn’t obvious, Yugioh’s hitting me in a personal place again, a scarily personal one considering just earlier today I spoke with a counselor about this exact issue of mine and now I’m seeing it depicted through Yusaku here. This is... what the third time Yugioh’s timing with this shit was really on the nose? The first being the graduation anxiety plotlines in GX and the second being Yuma being tempted to forget Astral after his death in Zexal? It’s honestly starting to scare me a little. 

[arwenkenobi48]

Serious trigger warning: mental illness, trauma, self loathing, brief mentions of CSA

Worst flashback I’ve had in months just happened, it came completely out of nowhere* and lasted over five hours. It’s over now thankfully and I can finally remember who/where I am again but I’m still feeling really sick and sad in the aftermath and deeply ashamed of what happened too. I feel utterly pathetic.

It’s hard not to feel disgust towards myself for having such a bad experience, especially when I think about what would make me feel better; someone wrapping their arms around me, gently shushing me and rocking me slowly while softly singing me a lullaby. What I wouldn’t give for that warm, fatherly presence and comfort in this moment, but I know that it won’t happen in real life. Somehow that makes me long for it all the more.

I just can’t help feeling like I’ve let down all my friends and loved ones because of my trauma. Part of me feels angry with myself for having it and for not being able to handle life as much as I want to. I just want to be able to get out there and do something with my life but I can’t because of this. I feel useless.

I don’t know how long this period of crisis is going to last, but I feel like it’s going to take a long time to recover from this. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I’m so sorry, everyone, for all of this. I wish I didn’t have such a fractured mind.

*I say that, but I think it had something to do with the fact that I’ve finally recognised the full extent of my birthgiver’s abuse towards me. She molested me. I hate to say this, but I hope nobody goes to her funeral when she dies.

[starlight-tav]

Genuinely frightening how fast my thoughts go from neutral to life-endingly bad.

[gh0stgirl-hotline]

Born to love cursed to be unlovable

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[babyinablender]

summer tastes like stale sweat and cigarettes, a stuffy room accented by flavorless smoke. a body slumped on the floor, surrounded by blankets and clothes, spread-eagle upon the carpet, gasping. the air is too thick. the moisture and heat afflict.

they become hands. pulling, pulling, pulling. as if the clothing isn't there. as if the skin isn't there. and she is just a vessel to be used and discarded.

she stays there, catatonic, as the ghosts make their plans.

she's used to it.

we're used to it.

i'm used to it.

summer is a dirty word.

[to0needy]

i don’t know who i am anymore, there’s too many versions of “me”

[the-ghost-bird]

Day Three and Four on A

These past days I've been feeling more awake, more energetic. It's like i need less sleep to function. I've never been a morning persob but I'm waking up and feeling like one. I'm not necessarily eager to start the day but i do have energy for it, which is great considering I'm used to having morning depression.

I'm getting some weird disconnect from mind and body. There were a couple times where i thought i was getting anxiety shakes because i could physically feel it but when i looked at my hands, they weren't shaking. Despite seeing that my hands werent shaking, my brain was weirdly convinced that they were and i could feel it. I'm used to dpdr dissociations but this felt quite different and im not sure i would say classifies as dpdr.

I really don't want to sleep, but I'm not sure if it's the meds or just me having a lot of shit on my to-do list that i really want to get done. I usually don't wanna sleep in general but i guess the feeling is a bit more intense

[youwillleaveme]

i cant stand it anymore i don’t want this brain i dont want this life i want to live but not like this not with those constant feelings and thoughts and self destructive behaviors and all of that i cant do it anymore i cant

[interruptedsblog]

I feel empty, I feel a hole in my chest while sadness and anguish are invading me. I don't have enough strength to get up, move, concentrate and eat.

[h0wt0neverst0pbeingsad]

[4spooniesupport]

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

yea it's a show about nepo babies but Succession really said "20 billion dollars doesn't erase the persistent trauma of childhood abuse, or absolve the abuser" so like. remember that next time your parent tries to uno-reverse-guilt-card you with "but we gave you so much"

[explodingsaturn]

maybe i should just stop talking. i want all of my secrets back.