#tw: undiagnosed eating disorder

[tangledinink]

new gemini update was so good as always but I can't stop thinking:

big mama: there's nothing wrong with my sons

splinter: you fucked up two perfectly good kids is what you did. look at blue. he's got an eating disorder

wwhhhattttt? nooo, don't be silly. leo doesn't have an eating disorder.

leo and donnie have eating disorders--

[eggyolkguzzler]

Different anon, what if someone accidentally went past 24 hours? would they still be ok?

Yeesh- I mean, sometimes people fast way longer than 24 hours. Like, people with diabetes, I think. But I really wouldn't recommend it unless you talk to Dr. Harvey first!

I can understand if you're just forgetful. And I know a lot of people skip meals because they're too busy. But... Listen, if you don't eat, your body gets used to running on low fuel. You start to lose the ability to feel hungry. And trust me bro, it only gets worse from there...

A little bit of fasting can really help you out! But starving yourself for too long just... doesn't have any benefits at all.

But hey, don't beat yourself up! Forgetting to eat for a day doesn't mean you failed. You have every day ahead of you to improve!

If any of you guys need encouragement, you know where to find me. Whether you're working on weight loss or weight gain. I'll be here to hype you up!!

[justaboymadeofhoneyandglass]

😭😭

MY ARFID IS KICKING IN AND I SHOULD REALLY EAT BUT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF EATING OR SMELLING FOOD IS MAKING ME WANNA THROW UP 😭

[the-smallest-gremlin]

food gives me so much anxiety. it’s not just about the calories tho. it’s…

“is it going to be too hot or too cold?”

“is it going to be spicy or not taste good?”

“is there gonna be a hard/chewy part in it that i’ll hate?”

“is the textures going to be off somehow?”

“will i like it enough to eat it?”

plus, the anxiety about eating certain foods in front of people is getting worse…

[commentgoblin]

i know i'm not the only neurodivergent person who feels this way

but i am genuinely about to cry while I'm trying to plan meals for work lunches. Everything is so much effort and none of it is something I want but I know I have to eat things or I'll feel terrible but it's just. too much work. and i don't enjoy it. so whats the point?

and then i just have to keep doing this forever?????

[waoyflouis]

i say to myself that i will be a better version of myself and then i hit rock bottom all over again

[sadtallbean]

I feel like all my problems would disappear if I just overdosed on my non existent anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.

[dontdrinkanderive]

Venting time

[ofstoriesandstardust]

tw ed

[thebitterchild]

Eating at home is so miserable. No matter how much or how little I eat I get in trouble. All i did was take a small piece of fish, and my mom got so angry...

I think I got fed once MAYBE twice a day when I was little. Nobody had any interest in making sure I ate. And when they finally felt like it they'd tried to force me to eat way to much food for a small child, my stomach all ways hurt. When they didn't feed me I lived off of whatever I could reach, cheese,pepperoni, vienna sausages,spam. It's a wonder I'm not sick of any of that stuff.

When I hit puberty my appetite became so large, I was always hungry. But honestly I would eat extra just out of spite. I'm big enough to reach anything I want, I can use the stove and they couldn't stop me either. At family parties I'd make sure everyone saw how much i ate just to make them look bad

[mistle10]

Rating: sfw

Pairing: Vil Schoenheit X chubby gn! reader (leaning towards fem)

Genre: hurt/comfort (tough love)

TWs: semi-detailed descriptions of ED behaviors, weight loss, restrictive behaviors, and self image. Please keep this warning in mind for your own personal health ♡

Plot: Reader who wants to lose weight but cant opening up about your issues with EDs and weight to Vil.

Disclaimer: I've written this based on my personal experiences, and it's a bit self indulgent. My apologies. Not proofread, written in tumblr app.

-----‐-----------------------------

Vil grabbed your hand when you claimed you weren't beautiful. He stared into your eyes.

"Tell me. What exactly don't you like about yourself?"

You couldn't say your weight. You didn't want to get a lecture, you already had it in your head that he must hate it.

"I- I won't tell you." When you argued, he would cross his arms.

"Oh, you always say I know so much about beauty. Suddenly you don't trust my judgement anymore?"

He tsked at you. "And besides. I give you plenty of tips to accentuate your features and you choose not to take them."

But you don't like them. You don't want to accentuate them. His face softened.

"Y/N..." Vil sighed, taking your hand in his again. "You know I do find you very beautiful, right?" His manicured thumb stroked the back of your hand, and he pulled you close to him. You couldn't help but feel grossed out. Not at him, but yourself. It was a common feeling-- not believing anyone would ever touch you out of free will.

"Why exactly don't you like these things?" He asked, more determined now. "Have people mentioned them?" His eyebrows furrowed, as much as he hated making expressions like that. Vil knew self confidence wasn't something many people had. Even he didn't come by it naturally, at first. Most people had something they wished to change, and some people were able to; whether that be getting a nose job or using colored contacts. But most couldn't and had to make peace with it.

And the thing was, you had tried to change it. You had tried many times. Many unhealthy diets and undiagnosed eating disorders went unnoticed because you didn't "fit the criteria." Of course you didn't want to tell him. To many people, being overweight was a moral failing. Something like that should be so easily fixable, shouldn't it? Of course, it was firmly seeded within your mind that Vil would feel the same if not harsher should you complain.

"I don't know. Not really," you replied.

Vil huffed. "Really now, Y/N." He put a hand on his hip. "You know, I don't care about those things. I don't particularly love the fact you ask me for tips and then don't use them and still complain, but that's beside the matter..." He shook his head, free hand coming up to brush aside his bangs.

His hands landed on your shoulders, bringing you to sit down with him on his bed. You even felt self concious about how you sat. Vil reached up to hold your face, thumb on your chin and other fingers resting under your jaw. It was tough love, you knew that, but it was still difficult.

"What I care about is whether you believe you're beautiful or not." He hummed, crossing one leg over the other. "And I want to help you feel that way."

You still couldn't help but not believe him. Really? You'd seen him have a fit before because his lash glue wasn't sticking just right at 5:30 in the morning. You'd seen him outright grimace at unappealing patterns, go on rants about hideous microtrends... he, of all people, didn't care about physical flaws? No way.

You would've laughed if it didn't make you want to cry. Tears welled up in your eyes.

"I... I just-" you were at a loss for words. "Don't pretend as if it isn't obvious. It's the elephant in the room." The metaphor made you embarrassed, as if it were a comparison, "I've been trying to lose weight. I am. Nobody cares. I haven't even been going to the Cafe anymore. I've cut out carbs, sugars, fats before, I'm eating less than half my maintenance and- nothing!" You let the words spill out. And now that the dam broke, you couldn't stop the rest.

"And I know you probably think I'm lying, how could I possibly not lose weight, that's so easy right!?" You felt your face get red hot. "But it's not that easy. Doctors won't listen. Nobody listens!"

Vil was silent for a few moments, before a sigh left him. He crossed the opposite leg now.

"Really now."

Your heart dropped.

"The truth is that I have noticed your habits change. I've been on every diet from here to the pacific ocean, you know," he muttered, bringing your face up to look you in the eyes. He seemed annoyed about something.

"It's not something I'm oblivious to. I was going to tell you to knock it off sooner or later if you didn't tell me the reason. Seriously, less than half, you should know better."

After a heavy scowl finally disappeared, Vil sighed, his demeanor softening once again. "It's very easy to get sucked into these things." He shrugged, resting his face in his palm for a moment.

"I ought to give you a breakdown of why these things don't work, but I'm sure you've heard it all already," he hummed. He was trying very hard not to lecture you about crash dieting and you could tell. "But-" His brows furrowed, and he looked at you, expression serious. "This will not happen again, understand? You will be eating an adequate amount. There are no 'good' or 'bad' foods, and equating food to moral character when it's simply fuel is imprudent."

You were clearly ashamed. The lecture, as you expected.

"I've already killed my metabolism." You said quietly. "Nobody can help anymore."

He narrowed his eyes at you. You swallowed nervously.

"This is fixable. But-" you tried to look away, but he turned your face toward him again.

"Look at me, Y/N." He spoke sternly, a subtle yet protective bite to his tone. It was clear this hit something for him; after all, you were his partner. And if you were hurting yourself, that simply wasn't tolerable.

"But, unless you plan on breaking up with me, I can not allow you to keep on with these *ridiculous* diets. My love-" he took a breath, finally composing himself. He'd never had to be this harsh with you before, but he was... worried. "An eating disorder is an eating disorder. Size has nothing to do with it."

His arms came around you, pulling you close to him in a loving embrace-- and your emotions immediately began to well up. "I apologize for my reaction, but this is one thing I will remain obstinate about."

His lips met your cheek. His hand caressed your hair, long nails combing through and brushing against your head. Vil was affectionate, when he wished to be-- and that was usually behind closed doors like this.

"But you don't think I'm ugly?" You asked quietly.

"Of course not," Vil spoke. "You know, I don't surround myself with people who know nothing of fashion or beauty. Physical flaws-" he scoffed a little. "even using the word 'flaw' seems demeaning, but they are the one thing I don't comment on."

You looked at him. You remembered all the times you'd seen him obsess over the little details of his face in the mirror, and felt bad about yourself.

He seemed to notice this with the change in your expression. At this point, he really could read you like a book. He reached up to hold your face once more, violet eyes looking into yours.

"My qualms about my own appearance have no effect on how I feel about you. Why would I hold you to the same standard as myself?"

Vil sighed softly. "If you feel this way, won't you come to me?" He asked. "We can work on the things you don't like, within reason. I just don't want you to hurt yourself over looking thin. You know, when Azul-" he cut himself off, shaking his head, but that seemed to remind him of something.

"I know I've probably said things about my figure before, and I'm sorry if that hurt you. I happen to like the way you look now. You've come a long way, you know. The first time I saw you, you couldn't even do a cut crease." Though it was maybe a joke you thought, he seemed serious.

Finally, he came back around. Vil moved to sit closer, his lips meeting yours. Though it wasn't enough to transfer some of his lipstick as it sometimes was, you could feel the affection that he couldn't -or wouldnt- say.

He breathed out, a soft smile coming to his face now.

"How are you feeling? Better now?" He asked. "Why don't we stop and pick something up?" He asked. You knew he typically tried to avoid unhealthy foods, so he must be determined to get you to eat something if he was suggesting it. "And then I can do your nails again- you know you ought to stop biting them," he scolded, in the way he usually would. It indicated things were back to normal. He wouldn't baby you, but he would work with you.

Though it wasn't something he often said, he did love you.

[amiiancasselmanyet]

Fix Me is a Mid 2000's Classic, You're Just Not From Canada

before I start this essay series, I would like to clarify that this is NOT a series of reviews but just me genuinely expressing my feelings I have towards the albums in question because I’m a highschool dropout…bon appetite or whatever

also tw for eating disorders, self harm, general mental illness and addiction but this is fix me, you probably knew that

When most people think about early to mid 2000s rock albums that became staples and bands that became household names, there's a few that genuinely come to mind. Let’s get the “emo trinity” out of the way; From Under The Cork Tree was Fall Out Boys sophomore album from 2005 that is still widely loved for good reason. The songs are good and the lyrics hit when you least expect it. Every. Single. Time. Then, of course, we have The Black Parade. I cannot express my love of this album enough, it is quite literally my all time favorite and while Three Cheers has a more solid concept (man kills other men to try and get his lover back, homosexual antics ensues), there's a reason it’s arguably their most well known and beloved by the kids who used to bully you in middle school. Of course we have A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out coming in right after this, there’s not much I can say since this album truly deserves it’s own essay that I won't manage to write (Ryan Ross please come back the kids and I miss you) but, like the other albums, it's a STAPLE at Emo Nites and Emo Nite knockoffs (shout out to Sneaky Dees in Toronto). There is, however, an album among them that's a hidden gem due to the fact that . Fix Me was the debut studio album from Marianas Trench, arriving in 2006. This album stands out from the others in a lot of ways, its sound, its vulnerability and its general lack of a concept. This album was a shot in the dark and a testament to taking chances. Let's talk about it. 

If you’re even a little bit familiar with Marianas Trench (you definitely are because you are on a blog dedicated to the drummer, my beloved bias Ian Casselman), the sound you’re used to most likely isn’t here. This album is gritty, it’s production is grungy. When you look at the other albums at face value, it stands out as nothing like the rest. If you dig deeper, however, you realize that this album truly was the foundation of what was to come. The guitar heavy sound continues throughout the discography, even if it feels less clean than its successors. It adds to the aggression a lot of the songs have, it makes the lyrics hit harder. It was too rock for the pop charts but too pop for the rock charts.(I’m pretty sure Josh said that but this thing isn’t getting a bibliography, this is a more sophisticated shit post on a blog that, again, focuses on the silly drummer with mutton chops) While the sound is incredible, the true core of the album lies in its vulnerability.

Fix Me is essentially an auditory diary, with each track feeling like a new entry. There are themes focusing on the actual struggles Josh Ramsay dealt with at the time. There’s a lot about addiction (specifically heroin), self harm, eating disorders (specifically bulimia) and general depression. It's angsty. It's difficult  to hear at times. You're not supposed to get personal during essays but this is literally on a blog where I refer to the followers as “casselman nation”, it’s a lawless land and fuck you I’ll do what I want. This album, at its core, felt like it was almost a diary entry from a younger me. 

14 year old me was very different from the current me, I had a different name entirely, a different outlook on life and a lot of things that shaped me today had not happened yet. I was unmedicated and everyone else's problem. If you ever scroll down on the personal tag of my main (you WILL NOT, you DO NOT need to see my digital footprint and angst), you'll notice that there's a lot of themes on this album that pertained to me at that time. I was VERY depressed, undiagnosed bipolar 2, bulimic and…doing things in school bathrooms I shouldn't have with items from my art class I shouldn't have had access to in that state (not going to elaborate, I’m sure you get where I’m going). When you deal with those things head on, you tend to, from experience, seek out public figures, whether it be musicians or celebrities or youtubers (shout out to Dan and Phil lmao) who have similar experiences that you had. For me, a big one from the get go was Marianas Trench. There’s something oddly comforting in not only knowing you’re not only alone but that you’re ALSO going to survive. I truly wish I was able to hug 14 year old me but I also know that they’d be proud that I DIDN’T do the thing I wanted to do before I turned 17.

There’s another reason Fix Me is truly removed from other albums and it truly feels like the biggest component; there's no concept. Fix Me has its own identity but it's not through a story or through successful singles, it's through the fact that it has none of it. It shines through its simplicity, its impact is through the way it can stand alone. It’s an album by the band that could be, and should be at times, put on shuffle. It’s an album where you can pick any song, off the top of your head, and listen to it when you’re feeling angry or sad or full of unbridled angst. Sure, you CAN listen to other songs on other albums one at a time, Masterpiece Theatre is the first on I can think of off the top of my head, however, would you want to? Would you want to listen to The End of An Era and have it followed up with a song like This Means War? It 100% kills the immersive nature that the band has carefully crafted over the last 20 years. (yes they’ve been a band that long considering the fix me bsides are from 2001, yes it makes me feel geriatric) I think the biggest reason that it personally hits every mark imaginable for a grungy punk record is the fact that there is no secret meaning hidden in each song, its open and honest from the get go. It’s raw, real and does exactly what it needs to do.

Through its sound, its ability to be honest and vulnerable in its writing and the easily accessible material, it's a staple. Shake Tramp belongs in an Emo Nite just as much as something like Sugar We’re Going Down and more than Welcome to the Black Parade (I love that song but it doesn’t fit the vibe as well as House of Wolves or The Sharpest Lives, Emo Nite is just catering to the normies and preps). Decided to Break Its video should be as beloved as I Write Sins Not Tragedies. Marianas Trench deserve their flowers for being such a staple in the lives of canadian teens who are struggling, the adults who want to comfort their inner teen selves and those who, in general, are feeling small.

[webanglikethat]

ABOUT PUNZ

TW // RACISM, DUB CON, ED, INVALIDATION OF MENTAL ILLNESSES

! Andi talks about her year-long relationship with Punz and she recounts enduring emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, and a troubling instance of dubious consent. the relationship began with Andi facing harassment from Punz's fanbase, leading to the decision to keep their relationship private for Punz's benefit rather than genuine concern for Andi's well-being. 

! Punz's racist remarks, mockery of Andi's accent, and reluctance to visit Andi's family in Puerto Rico contributed to feelings of inferiority and insecurity. He called a slur and said “oh you’re my little b3an3r”. He also said - while watching Bridgerton - that the sharma sisters weren’t attractive because of their dark skins. 

! Punz made Andi feel embarrassed and insignificant, refusing to associate with her publicly and belittling her in private CONSTANTLY. He knew she had BPD and he even promise her MOM he would take care of her but he constantly dismissed her depressive episodes and made her feel like she was the problem. He said she did it so she would get his attention. 

! His berating behavior and insults exacerbated her feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness obviously and additionally, he exhibited a very very controlling behavior, dictating changes to Andi's personality and content to appease his own freaking audience. “There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me.”

! Andi also describes instances of body shaming regarding her eating habits, and criticism of her interests and appearance.  “For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. […] So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat” 

! he also had a consistent lack of effort and empathy towards Andi. he never took the initiative to plan dates, leaving Andi feeling unappreciated and longing for romantic gestures like receiving flowers, which he only did once, despite her PLEAS. he also exhibited disrespectful behavior towards Andi in front of his friends, using her as a source of amusement to elevate his own image “For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs” 

! when Andi was experiencing severe physical pain due to undiagnosed arthritis, didnt care and he initially refused to take her to the emergency room, prioritizing his own comfort and streaming schedule over her health. he said he wanted to stream while his gf was in pain. insane. and even after relenting and accompanying her to the ER, Punz complained about the inconvenience she was. 

! the relationship ended on one-year anniversary, where Andi blacked out after consuming alcohol provided by Punz, leading to an encounter that she can’t fully recall. she gets drunk very easily and when she woke up, she was naked and he was joking about it. “Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? “ to this day she doesn’t know what happened that night

! after the breakup, Andi confided in Punz's friend about the incident on their anniversary. however, instead of offering support, the friend warned her to like be cautious about discussing it, suggesting that speaking out could have consequences. he basically said she shouldn’t imply she didn’t remember the sexual encounter because it would mean its rape. and when Andi sought validation from other friends, they downplayed the seriousness of the situation, suggesting that Punz couldn't be blamed for not realizing how drunk Andi was.

IN THE OLD POST SHE TWEETED:

she described her relationship with Punz as complicated and tumultuous from the start. they initially became friends due to shared social circles, and their friendship gradually developed into romantic feelings, although Andi suspected that Punz might not have reciprocated her emotions fully. despite this, they began dating, but Andi felt like she was constantly begging for Punz's attention and affection. she noticed that Punz seemed disinterested and distracted when they were together, which led her to feel neglected and invisible in the relationship.

! One very significant source of tension was Andi's friendship with another guy, whom she considered one of her closest friends. She had a lot of guy friends btw and Punz was jealous and disapproval of this friendship, which lead Andi to eventually cut off contact with her friend in an attempt to salvage her relationship with Punz. “i basically felt invisible to him. that is, when i wasn’t hanging out with my guy friends.”

! Punz abruptly broke up with Andi via text. Despite the breakup, they continued to engage in behaviors typical of a relationship, although without the commitment. So basically they were friends but doing couple stuff.  when one of Punz's friends showed interest in Andi, Punz reacted with jealousy and ended their "friendship" over it. “his friend and i talked about it and poked fun at the fact that he broke up with me but got mad at someone else paying attention to me. when 1 saw this (he ended up forcing me to show him the screenshots of the conversation) he was even more pissed and even more done with me. the next day he called me and we were basically back together again.” 

! during their “reconciliation”, Punz made Andi feel like she had to EARN his affection because of something he deemed unforgivable that /she/ had done. as a result, Punz treated her poorly, often canceling plans to hang out with friends and only seeing her late at nigh and Andi basically felt at Punz's mercy, with their interactions and plans dictated solely by his whims.

! this treatment took a severe toll on Andi's mental health, leading her into a deep depression and causing her to relapse into SH after three years of being clean. despite seeking therapy and making efforts to address her mental health, Punz dismissed her struggles and saw them as just another problem in their relationship. when they argued, which was frequent, Punz would use Andi's mental health against her, belittling her and making her feel guilty for her emotions.

! Punz would also dismiss Andi's emotional needs, labeling her as needy and clingy whenever she sought reassurance or expressed her desires. instead of providing comfort, Punz would respond with indifference or hostility. 

! He broke promises, he would go against his commitments, such as going to Las Vegas with friends on her birthday after promising not to. Andi also noticed Punz looking at “provocative” pictures of other girls on social media.

! “but there was a long period of time in our relationship where we had zero intimacy, and it wasn’t because of me. this fucked with my head a lot because i had this idea that because i was so emotional and needy that i could compensate physically. but when that stopped, my thoughts looked something like “the only thing i was useful for was sex and now he doesn’t even want that from me”

! She also thinks he was cheating on her during that time.

! after their breakup, Punz said he wanted to improve himself and the relationship, promising to go to the gym, consider therapy, adopt a healthier lifestyle, and plan dates to treat Andi better. However, Andi had reached her limit and no longer believed in Punz's ability to change.

! Punz shifted blame onto Andi, making her feel responsible for his lack of effort and dissatisfaction in the relationship. He would victimize himself and bring up past mistakes, such as Andi flirting with one of his friends, to deflect from his own shortcomings. 

! It took therapy for her to realize that Punz was not genuinely interested in her and only valued her attention when it suited him. And despite claiming not to want her, Punz would become possessive when others showed interest in Andi “he didn’t want me but he didn’t want anyone else to have me and that was the bottom line. that was the base off all the problems and toxicity that happened while we were together. “

[syscultureis]

tw for food, binging, eating disorders

undiagnosed plural autistic arfid/unspecified eating disorder culture is suddenly losing complete hold on your normal night binge routine and panicking because someone's probably stealing the memory to try and help but oh my VOID give it BACK!!!!!!

.

[bizarreaizen]

// TW : mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming and possibly more

pt: tw: mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming, and possibly more end pt.

my mom: my child is doing fine.

your child barely eats/drinks, has severe social anxiety, has no energy to do anything, struggles to do basic things, messed up sleeping schedule, has iron deficiency, "mean" and "rude", bruises easily, unhealthy, can't stand yelling and loud noises, can't eat around family members, afraid to even talk to their family members, suicidal thoughts, bottles up their emotions and feelings, always exhausted, can't take care of themselves, a victim of grooming, undiagnosed with adhd and bpd, gets uncomfortable talking about their problems, trust issues, doesn't know how to comfort people, suffers from gender dysphoria, isolates themselves, doesn't go outside, cries for no reason, lost interest in everything, losing most of their memories, just want to be loved, and lacks parental guidance. /srs

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 34 - Heads for no Tails (part 2)

TW: child neglect & parentification discussions, hardcore to the mega level compared to the usual. I don't know if this warrants a warning, but yeah.

He is never beating those second tea straw drinker from the ova allegations.

Obligatory Pointing Out Food Moment not pictured, because I am already flying close to the sun with the image limit: Cereal.

His second fear after "not being able to eat without help" is not being able to fish, and that scares him more. He is so real for that.

In this situation, my first concern would be no longer being able to do gaming, personally.

He is so "single mom with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder" coded that it makes me want to do unspeakable evils upon him.

Joris's ass is NOT being calmed or soothed.

I guess he managed to get afterwards anyway, even after Indie bribed that one wizard.

Guy who likes to learn about french culture: [Nodding] oh so you can drink coffee at night both from a bowl and from a cup.

Finally he understands just how bad things are. And it breaks him.

I think, one of the most infuriating things one can experience as a child, is being in a bad situation while everyone else is pretending that you aren't.

It's obvious that adults are pretending, but it feels less like they do it to keep you calm, and more like they're trying to keep themselves calm, by denying what is happening to you.

And that's sad. He probably feels like, despite being the one in danger, he must pretend not to be scared, so that the adults in his life don't completely fall apart on him. Not only is he in mortal fucking danger, he has to be their Emotional Support Joris.

Joris must be... fed up with this. Just a little bit.

Despite how bad things are, he's comforted by this.

But then Kerubim ruins it, by forgetting how things are, for a second.

And instead of, y'know, bending down to hug him, he awkwardly leaves him hugless after, yet again, denying the gravity of the situation, and jokingly blaming Joris.

This episode is madness inducing to me in all the following moments. The way Joris's expression shifts immediately after Kerubim leaves? He's not stupid. He knows things are bad. He knows Kerubim knows, and that he's just pretending. And obviously... that's a bit annoying.

The fact that the one person he can talk to about this is his pet is even more heartbreaking to me.

BEST moment of the series. If Kerubim says stuff like that more often, I'll be kissing him and swooning and stuff.

I already pointed this out previously, but the inn he received the restraint in, is in Astrub, and has been shown before. I won't add a screenshot due to the image limit, and some heavy stuff coming in, but now you know that.

Also, he's drinking bamboo milk in said inn. Very committed to that milk alcoholism, he.

While Kerubim left him, Joris doesn't seem to have made even an attempt at sleeping. He's just been... staring at the ceiling. God.

I will be insane here, for a second, and ask a question: Do you all think that Joris is genuinely happy to see him, hoping that he's brought good news, or is Joris putting on a brave face? Because personally, I like both interpretations.

It was an awfully quick switch between "staring lifelessly at the ceiling" and "hiiiii papycha :))))" which is why I had this thought.

From one extreme to another... While denying that something bad is happening was a bad move, I think it could have been more beneficial to ease him into it with a "this is bad, but we'll keep trying to free you."

Then again. I suppose Kerubim would feel guilty, if he thought he was giving Joris more false hopes after acting irrationally cheery all day.

There's something very specifically tragic about this, because protecting Joris has always been his mission, even if he has failed at it repeatedly. Let me remind you:

Kerubim is an orphan. Empathising and seeing himself in little, helpless, parentless things is kind of his thing. And so is wanting to protect them.

Besides projection, and knowing how bad this could turn out from personal experience, I think Kerubim adopted Joris due to guilt.

We know that, for ten years, he was under the impression that he killed Julith. Even if he thought Julith was going to destroy Bonta — being an orphan himself made this memory something very personal, and very haunting: He was now guilty of doing the exact thing that ruined his and Atcham's early life to a newborn baby. He held him in his arms, either shortly before, or immediately after, killing his mother.

Obviously, he would want to shelter him. To somehow make up for the harm he did.

Besides that, Atcham has been put forth as a foil for Joris, and a sort of reflection for his relationship with Kerubim.

Joris is weird looking, so is Atcham, but Joris tries really hard not to feel like it's a flaw. It would make sense for Kerubim to have tried to change himself and cultivate a very accepting environment, to protect Joris from whatever Atcham went through.

It was always about protecting Joris to him.

He probably knows he's been bad at it, even if he won't say that out loud.

He's just human, parenting is hard, and he had a sad, sad life. Even if it made things worse for the two of them, and even if I make fun of him a lot in these blogs, it's realistic and tragic. Being bad at this, and sometimes just utterly failing Joris, doesn't make him a bad person. That's just how life is.

...And considering the way Kerubim and Atcham themselves turned out in an orphanage, — chances are, Joris was still better off growing up like this, than growing up without a home at all.

So how sad it is, that not only has he seemingly failed as a parent, but also, failed at the exact thing he became a parent for?

I think it's just as tragic that all Joris can manage, despite being the one whose life Kerubim essentially ruined by his negligence, is to push down whatever he is feeling, and be the brave one to try and comfort him.

...It's probably the first time he's seen Kerubim this openly distraught. Obviously, he'd want to comfort him.

All of this to say: I love them, and their uneven, realistically mentally ill single parent-single child bond. And if something profoundly bad happens to them in Wakfu season 4, I will kill everyone in this room, and then myself. (I say this, despite them being alive and well in Waven. Which happens after season 4. I'm insane.)