#when i couldn't really form myself as a person for what ever reason I can't even explain yet

[fly-sky-high-09]

Yet another 4am staring at the phone

[yanderestarangel]

hihi, i really love your writings so i'm deciding to request. could you do miguel o'hara with an ftm reader- maybe some size kink, possessiveness, breeding, and degradation? thank you and have a great day/night!

𝐔𝐍 𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐎 𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐎 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀 𝐌𝐈́. | MIGUEL O'HARA X MALE READER

A/N: thanks for liking my work anon, I hope you like this one too.

🕸️ 》 TW: degradation, size kink, breeding, sex without a condom, ftm reader, male pronouns, biting, possessive sex, dark smut, porn plot, some phrases in spanish, power play.

Miguel was a different spider man and perhaps the most complicated person to deal with in the entire spider society... However, he was a totally different man with you, always praising you for small victories and missions ── in an extremely possessive and strange way , after all, what differentiated you from others?... But for him, you were perfection in person, perhaps, the only variation in the entire multiverse that he felt connected enough to care about and it was that fucking unilateral connection that made you made him be in that submissive and compromising position.

You were leaning over the hard, cold technology panels of his office, the color orange standing out against your skin, as you watched the older man's thick, pulsing cock slide in and out of your pussy, making the sweetest, sweetest noises. dirty things a man could do... You were doing that moment.

Miguel grunted like a hungry animal, one of Spider-Man's hands was on your neck, his claws slightly went in and out due to the strength and emotions of anger he felt at that moment ── he saw the way you smiled at another spider variant, how you blushed when you flirted with someone else, how he could lose you if he didn't mark his territory on your body, like a sinful sanctuary.

"You can't escape me. I've been patient long enough. It's time for you to learn your place, beneath me... Mi Angelito... Always teasing me with those bright eyes and sweet ways..." He accelerated his movements, tearing off the rest of your uniform with his free hand, your breasts jumped free as he groaned as he saw them bounce with each thrust he gave into your wetness.

O'Hara's red eyes glowed as he saw you so small and fragile compared to his tall stature, he could break you, he could fuck you until you were a trembling, aching mess ── his cock barely entered your pussy whole, Your velvety walls hugged him back as if your life depended on it... And maybe it did.

"You're a fucking whore, begging for my cock, aren't you?" he taunted, his gaze met his, as he continued to gradually speed up, a white path of semen formed at the base of his cock and painted your pussy like a beautiful halo. "Look at yourself, such a naughty boy, taking my dick so well like an insatiable slut-! I'm going to breed your little pussy, mi guapo, and you'll never have any choice but to stay by my side forever... Isn't that right? You're going to be the fucking father of my children... It's a canonical event ...You cannot run away from your destiny."

Miguel moaned each word, each letter came out like a growl, an order, you were his regardless of whether it was what you wanted before or not ── however, the feeling of being so eagerly filled, the fat tip of his cock hitting your womb , and the heavy balls hitting your ass, were the most addictive narcotic drug you had tasted in years, you wanted to get out of there, but the moans, the possession phrases and the good sex he was offering you was enough to make you moan like a cheap whore, drooling on his cock, making your boss smile and show his fangs, biting your neck hard and marking you as his.

"I've wanted you for so long, ever since you joined the spider society. It took everything in me to hold back, to just be a good spider leader. But I couldn't stop myself from fantasizing about you." His words were sickening, but they made you wetter for some reason, maybe your brain rotted from the pleasure that coursed through your veins, but knowing that he had wanted you for a while made you moan and cling to him insistently.

"That's better," he grabbed your hips while supporting you even more on his control screens, not caring about the mess or damage it would cause later, everything was forgotten there, only your pussy mattered to the older man. "You finally understand your place... I knew you'd be mine, you will be mine forever." You rolled your eyes and felt your orgasm come after a few more stimulations that Miguel made with his cock in your body or with his mouth ── biting your breasts and nipples, kissing you as if nothing else existed in the world ── you felt your fingers your feet curled so hard that for seconds you swore you were going to break them, a loud moan echoed from your throat to the holographic walls, returning to O'Hara's ears, as he filled you with a hot and thick load of his cum ensuring you would take everything like a good boy.

"That's my favorite spider boy... But we're not done yet... I'm going to fuck you until you're full..." Miguel puts one of his thick fingers on your stomach. "Filled up to here, with my cum, you can handle it, right.. mi niño bonito, vas a manejar esto como un niño grande, ¿verdad?"

© All rights reserved to @yanderestarangel on tumblr.

♡⁠˖ 》 my janitor a.i pfp

♡⁠˖ 》 my character a.i pfp

♡⁠˖ 》 my AO3 pfp

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Vil Schoenheit - Platinum Jacket Vignette

"Happy 100th Anniversary"

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Vil: I had heard the rumors, but this museum truly does have masterpieces from every corner of the world on display here.

Vil: There is an abundance of stunningly beautiful works of art here. This is absolutely worth taking my time to breathe in.

Vil: Oh, this painting… It depicts the scene where the Fairest Queen is sending out her retainer on a mission of great importance.

Vil: I can feel her dignified aura. The way she carries herself so refined enhances her beauty.

???: I agree, this painting gives off this overwhelmingly graceful feeling.

Vil: Never thought I'd ever hear the word "graceful" come from you, Jack… That just goes to show the power of the Fairest Queen.

Jack: Heh, guess so. I can't really see what you meant 'bout how she carries herself all refined, though…

Vil: Oh, really? I myself was immediately drawn to her outstretched fingers…

Vil: Although, that may just be because I take particular care in noticing specific details like that.

Vil: Consider the way you walk, sit, or even how you cast your line of sight… There are many points to consider when looking to exude grace and poise.

Jack: I can get straightening your back when walking, or whatever, but can fingers really be shown beautifully like you say?

Vil: Of course. Perhaps it'll make more sense to you if I explain it using ballet as an example.

Vil: If you spread your fingers, or open your palm, it feels incohesive.

Vil: However, if I carefully angle my fingers like this…

Jack: …! Woah, seeing it in person makes a huge difference. Even your arm looks longer.

Vil: Right?

Vil: This doesn't only pertain to ballet, you know. Every form of movement can be carried in some way to make it look beautiful.

Vil: A model's walk is one. On top of that…

Vil: I also take care in my everyday movements, such as how I hold my drinks, or operate my phone.

Jack: Eh, all that, too!?

Vil: Naturally. I would never forego any chance at training my beautiful movements with proper posture at the same time.

Jack: Okay, I can get behind that reason.

Jack: It's like how if you want to be able to move using the proper form, you gotta work on your core muscles.

Vil: That's exactly it. Train your core muscles, watch videos on proper, elegant movements, and verify them in the mirror...

Vil: By purposefully ingraining it into your body, eventually you'll be able to carry yourself beautifully without even trying.

Jack: The way you put in all that effort into being beautiful is just like an athlete. You really got that stoic discipline, huh, Vil-senpai.

Vil: Heh, I'll take that as a compliment.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Vil: This work of art is supposed to depict the scene where the love between the compassionate princess and the impoverished young man is finally acknowledged by the sultan…

Vil: But it feels like such a harmonious moment. I had fully expected there to be more tension in the air.

Jack: Yeah. The story goes that the princess rebelled against her father, the sultan, and slipped out of the royal palace, right?

Vil: Indeed. As the country's princess, I'm sure she was constantly surrounded by guards…

Vil: There may have been times she had grown weary of constantly being surrounded by other people.

Vil: As someone who has been surrounded by the press outside my home before, I can empathize with that feeling of wanting to be left alone.

Jack: Does that mean you've also sneaked from your home out of the prying eyes of the press before, Vil-senpai?

Vil: Not at all. I would leisurely spend my time at home.

Vil: Around the time I was 10, I even built a secret base I could play in.

Jack: A secret base? Inside your house?

Vil: Exactly. I couldn't possibly deny the fact that some senseless people could try to sneak their way onto my property, now, could I?

Vil: That's why I made a safe little room specifically for me inside my home.

Vil: I gave it no windows, built each wall with stone, and stacked it full of shelves… I also made sure there was proper lighting.

Jack: A secret base, huh… Guess even you were a child once.

Jack: But even if there's light, I feel like a room with no windows'd be pretty depressing…

Vil: Actually, it's quite the opposite. That was the best environment possible for me to rest my skin from the sun's rays.

Jack: Rest your skin?

Vil: You are aware that ultra-violet rays can damage your skin, yes? That's why sunscreen is a must even at home.

Vil: However, sunscreen itself can be taxing to your skin.

Vil: That's why I appreciated having the peace of mind that no UV rays could reach me.

Vil: I could also comfortably practice my yoga that I've been doing daily ever since I was a child actor.

Vil: I could even read my scripts and practice my roles as time flew by.

Vil: That room where I didn't have to worry about onlookers or harmful rays was the safest place that younger me could have ever had.

Jack: Yeah, I remember kids'd get all in your face when you were out walking, just 'cause you were "Vil Schoenheit."

Vil: …I will say this, however, a majority of the people coming up to me wanted handshakes and autographs.

Jack: Ah, yeah, right. But still, that's still a pretty heavy thing to go through.

Vil: Well, obviously. It would be a grand mistake to mistake me for just any of the spudlings you see rolling around.

Jack: Heh, that's true. Do you still spend time in that room you made whenever you go back home on break?

Vil: Not at all. We would move often due to my father's work, so we live somewhere completely different now.

Vil: But, hm… It may be a fine idea to create a room that I can relax in again.

Vil: It could also end up being a great workshop to craft potions and skincare products, as well.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Jack: This painting is depicting the Sea Witch providing consultation for a troubled mer.

Vil: What a wonderful smile. The lighting from below works to bring out her enchanting allure even more.

Vil: And from what it seems, there truly are people who would ask for counsel anywhere and everywhere. I'm sure the Sea Witch had had her fill.

Jack: From the sound of it, seems like you've had to give out counsel yourself, is that right, Vil-senpai?

Vil: I can't say I've intended to give out any counsel. There are just those who would ask me of their own volition.

Vil: I've gotten incessant requests for advice from numerous fans in the comments section of my Magicam account.

Jack: Can't believe people would just ask someone they don't know for help like that. There's a lot of pushy folk out there.

Jack: So then, what kind of things do they ask?

Vil: A majority of the questions tend to ask how they can become just as beautiful as I am…

Vil: But there are others who will ask how they can quickly become an influencer like me, or ask about other such useless life hacks.

Jack: They'd seriously ask those things…? Don't tell me you're actually givin' them the time of day and responding thoroughly, are you?

Vil: Of course not. My time is precious. I don't even have a second to spare for someone who doesn't know how to look things up on their own and would rather rely on someone else.

Jack: Yeah, that's the way to do it. Really no use for anyone to be asking this and that from someone they don't even know.

Vil: Seriously. There was a time where I received dozens of questions asking, "How can I get clear skin?"

Vil: Methods to improve skin health can depend on age, skin quality, diet… among other possible contributing factors.

Vil: For those people who don't even understand those concepts, do you think I would grant them my ear and provide them my knowledge from the fundamentals?

Vil: In order to achieve beautiful skin, I've endured my own research even to this day. There is no way for someone who shirks effort to achieve beauty.

Jack: I bet your studies into all that are super intense. I'm curious what kind of stuff you worked on.

Vil: When I first started, I would purchase different kinds of skincare products off-the-shelf, then test and document the quality of my skin after application.

Vil: I would also keep record of any changes in my skin based on the foods I ate, or the surrounding environment.

Vil: After that, I started to get a more in-detail look at each ingredient, while also researching different combinations of products that could be compatible with each other...

Vil: More recently, I've been attempting to apply my knowledge of potionology to concoct skincare products that would go perfectly with my skin.

Jack: Y'know, I've also tried a bunch of different proteins and training regimens, and even recorded how it affected my body…

Jack: But I didn't know you were basically doing the same kind of thing. Just proves you can't skimp out on that extra effort.

Vil: Indeed. And my diligent research will always continue on. That's because…

Vil: I can absolutely become even more beautiful than I am now.

Jack: I can just feel your ambition! I gotta make sure I keep working hard, just like you do.

Jack: …Oh, look at the time. I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I'll be heading to the next exhibit, so excuse me.

Vil: Of course. See you later, Jack. Well, I suppose I should go off and look for more Fairest Queen paintings myself.

Vil: That painting… It depicts the pretty little princess of legend. I see she's picking flowers in the forest… How carefree can she be?

Vil: Even though someone of ill-intent could take note of the empty surroundings and make their approach…

Requested by @zexal-club.

[confess-ledzeppelin]

I know I'm probably crossing into controversial territory here, but I'm so sick of logging onto Tumblr just to find people talking shit about Jimmy and wishing the most horrible things imaginable over a single fucking thing. He's not a creep, he's not a pedophile, he's not a Satanist, he's not an asshole, and he doesn't deserve even a fraction of the hate he gets. I see it all the time and it's sickening what people wish on him.

I might as well address the elephant in the room first. Lori's story is pretty hard to find information for since she couldn't tell the truth to save her life (I frankly can't stand her because of that), but I did manage to find the actual facts:

First of all, it was never a "passionate long-lasting love affair", it was actually only a few months (they never hooked up again after that, even in the 80s) and they weren't "madly in love" or whatever. I'm frankly not sure which of them technically initiated the relationship (although it's something to take into account that Jimmy is much more reserved than most musicians (like, say, Jagger), and Lori was a groupie for a reason), but it wasn't the way Lori described it at all. She wasn't kidnapped by anyone, and the version about Jimmy waiting in his hotel room with a cane and no clothes on is the most ridiculous rubbish I've ever heard. This isn't fucking West Side Story. They did meet at a show, though. He recognized her as a model since she was at least decently popular, but it's not like he was just waiting on the edge of his seat for a chance with her.

Secondly, this girl was absolutely not groomed. While there are certainly some tragic stories about grooming and pedophilia in the music industry (or just the entertainment industry as a whole, really), Lori is NOT a part of it. Most of these girls, including her, knew what they were doing but didn't care. After all, why would they? It was (for the most part) socially acceptable at the time, even if it wasn't legal. There are lots of women out there who will admit to sleeping with older men while they were 12-17, I've heard it myself. Does that make it right? No, but it's not like she was pushed against a wall or coerced in any way, shape or form. Despite how her stories change every time she tells them, she has said she looks back on her time with Jimmy fondly (Jimmy was very good to all of his lovers, but whether they were good to him is a different story that I'll get to later). Does he? Not really, no. He hardly talks about it and I can't blame him. But if he could go back, it's something that wouldn't have been repeated. He is a human being who made a mistake that just like every single one of us has, yet for some reason he apparently deserves to go to hell for it. It makes no sense to me. One mistake shouldn't define who he is as a person. And by the way, the "Jimmy Page if minors" memes aren't funny and you know it. Stop.

Anyway, as for what I said about past lovers, it's honestly tragic. First it was Jackie DeShannon, the same girl that kept him physically retrained in a hotel room against his will and assaulted him at least once, all while insisting that she loved him. And he believed it. One of her two songs about him, "Don't Turn Your Back On Me", basically gives the message of "we are going to last last forever. And if we don't, yes we will. Fake it 'til you make it, or else." It creeps me out. Next it was Charlotte, the same woman who allegedly cheated on him several times (even though he was faithful to her just like every other woman he was with), started heated arguments with him constantly (one time during a fight she even slapped him hard in the face while wearing several rings, which likely drew blood), and always retained a very "well he's okay, I guess" view on him even when they were having a baby. Jimmy, on the other hand, adored her and tried to give her the best. He even once said something along the lines of, "as long as I have Charlotte, I'll be okay" when he felt threatened. Basically, he would've crossed an ocean for her while she wouldn't have crossed a puddle for him. Their entire story actually reminds me a lot of Since I've Been Loving You, and he deserved so much better. Maybe there were even more incidents like these that never made it to the public, even though I don't think they're very well-known. Naturally there was also Lori, who was - to put it lightly - way more trouble than she was worth, and just her existence unfairly taints his reputation. There were also a few times when screaming girls mobbed the stage and started taking his clothes off, although I suppose they don't count for this bit.

But imagine if that shit was reversed. He would be crucified. And the best part? People actually turn it around to make it sound like it was him doing all of that. Absolutely rich. I really think people hate him just for the sake of it.

Another thing is his interest in the occult and how he's typically assumed to be a Satanist, because he gets plenty of hate for that, too. I'll put it this way: if I were to be super interested in, say, sharks, does that make me a marine biologist? Even if I study sharks for hours and visit the aquarium every week, even if I buy a whole bookstore about them, does that make me one? No, of course not. I don't see a difference. I know many occultists practice witchcraft and worship Satan and a bunch of really creepy things, but he's not one of them.

People also dislike him just for being a general asshole, and that's just as wrong. He's a sweetheart, a gentleman, and he's actually pretty funny, too. This is the same guy who rushed to help Robert up back when he was on crutches and fell in a studio. Robert said he'd never seen him move so fast. He's been there for Robert through a lot, and I think it should be said that the only reason he wasn't present at Karac's funeral was because he was physically unable. 1977 was obviously one of the worst - if not THE worst - year for him as far as his health; I think we all know that. He had even lost so much weight that his clothes from school were huge on him. But when the media came after him for answers on why he wasn't there, he accidentally made himself look pretty callous (as far as Jones goes on the situation, my guess is that he just already had vacation plans or figured it wasn't his problem anyway).

Also worth mentioning, Jimmy has done TONS of work for charity. He joined and played a part in Task Brazil, the ABC Trust, the Ahmet Ertegun Education Fund, Childline, Mount Sinai Hospital, MusiCares, the AIDS Memorial Campaign and Racehorse Sanctuary (I believe these are also supported by Robert, naturally).

This is also the same dorky guy who was found in a literal pillowcase by a roadie who was sent to wake him up. The same guy who sneezed while recording the Stairway to Heaven solo and grew frustrated with himself and started apologizing while the rest of the band couldn't stop laughing their asses off. The guy who knows not to take himself obnoxiously seriously and can laugh at himself, and has a great sense of humor. He's shy and reserved, but he's always been kind enough to notice when other people have needed help. He's always been a very polite "yes sir and no ma'am" kind of guy who says gosh instead of swearing and has a very soft voice. He's also the ultimate mama's boy, and still is even with her gone.

Sometimes he even says the most beautifully poetic things ever. "I'm just looking for an angel with a broken wing." "I remember when I was young I used to run along railway bridges with 250 foot drops... just dancing..." I mean, come on.

I'm not sure what about this guy is worth hating.

Anyway, that's my soapbox. Thanks.

Also can't fit this onto a picture, so just sharing as is. Thanks, anon!

[misseviehyde]

BETTER ME, THAN YOU

"Well I can't believe you tracked me down. It's been such a long time since we last spoke. Please sit down and enjoy the drink my butler prepared.

Ohhh, it's too bad you got so sick just before we were ready to test the Elixir. I know it was your dream to try it - but we couldn't afford to let the delicate solution deteriorate whilst we waited for you to recover. I simply had no choice but to try it myself.

Now, I unfortunately have to have a regular supply of the Elixir in order to maintain my new body and there's just not enough for both of us I'm afraid. I already hid all of the equipment and destroyed all the remaining notes along with your grandfathers journal before leaving town. It would take you decades to piece together even the smallest bit of our research, you really are wasting your time.

Look - it isn't just a simple matter of maintaining my physical form. Everyone thinks my male alter-ego is dead and I moved to this town for good reason. I have no intention of ever turning back into that loser.

Since arriving here I've insinuated myself into the richest family in town. I read about their young daughter being kidnapped all those years ago, and knew that if I turned up and pretended to be her after all these years, I could easily replace her. I am Olivia Hyde now .

Frankly - Mrs Hyde was desperarate to believe I was her long lost daughter and any irregularities in the way I behave and act have been overlooked due to my trauma. I of course have no memory of my kidnapping all those years ago.

Awww you think I'm a bad person for impersonating a dead girl? She's probably long gone and these fools would never have found her. Better that I should have all the money and power that would have been hers. Better that it is in my hands and I be the spoiled rich girl I always should have been.

My troubled past gave me an excuse for knowing so little about makeup, hair, girls clothing. But I was a fast learner and with an unlimited supply of money I quickly spoiled myself rotten. I know it all now loser. I know how to dress like a tease and make boys do what I want. I know how to bully and manipulate people. They all think I'm so innocent but I'm the biggest bitch you'll ever meet.

That's right - I'm a spoiled evil slut just like I deserve to be. Assuming Olivia's identity is hardly the worst thing I've done. I'm a bad bad girl and bad things happen to people who get in my way.

Don't you get it simp? The Elixir made me into a fucking Goddess and the more I drink, the more perfect it makes me every day. I'm smarter, stronger and more powerful than any human deserves to be.

So what if the Elixir numbs some emotions? Who needs pity and remorse when you have a tight pussy and can suck big cock when you want? Who needs love when you can have power, money and sex.

You have no idea how good my body feels loser. Soft perfect skin, firm boobs, silky hair. I love how ultra-feminine I am. I love that I can manipulate and control anyone.

The truth is - I wanted this power all those years ago, so I took it from you. I put laxatives in your food - I ensured that it would be me to drink the Elixir not you. I remember how hard I jerked my cock thinking of taking the power from you.

But if I thought jerking off felt good - I never orgasmed so hard as that first time I transformed and became Olivia. As I felt my nails lengthen and my face change I knew that I was finally becoming the person I always should have been. As I grabbed my ass and felt my tits swell up - I knew I would do ANYTHING to keep this body.

Ohhh whoops - did you drop your drink? Are you feeling okay? You look kinda woozy.

Shhhhhh. Don't fight it.

Did you really think I'd just let you waltz in here and take all this away from me. Haha - didn't you learn anything all those years ago.

I spiked your drink again - only this time it isn't laxatives. It's just a little something to help you sleep.

Shhhhhh it will all be over soon. I'll go on living this deliciously evil life and you'll finally be at peace.

You could have had all this - but now it's mine to enjoy. I won't even think of you at all after today - but it will be satisying to know that chapter of my life is over.

Yessss, close your eyes and just... sleep.

Don't feel cheated. Before you go, you just have to accept this was always my destiny.

Better me than you...

[kyntypes]

Okay, so wtf happened to me in 2020-mid 2022?

I want to sort of look back on that time when I thought I had alters, and was a system some years ago. This is going to be long, so bear with me here. I don't understand what happened, and I'm just curious to know what the actual hell this was??? Was this just another form of psychosis, or maybe severe DR/PR? Was it a result of my PTSD being so bad that I split personality states in order to cope, and it wasn't truly DID/OSDD, or anything of the sort???

So, after a traumatic experience sometime in 2020, around the time of lockdown, I had a lot of issues right afterward. I didn't have much support, and I could basically feel like everyone around me didn't take what I had been through seriously because they didn't view it as 'bad enough'.

I had a lot of mood swings, and I was very volatile. I mean, I also was a 15-16 year old with big feelings and a lot of angst, especially after what happened to me. This led me to feel so out-of-touch with everything. I already had a history of psychosis and other mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, and possibly also autism? I'm unsure if I'm autistic, despite being diagnosed as a Level 1 autistic, but I was definitely struggling with depression and anxiety when I first started high school. I say this because I feel like it may be relevant to my story.

So, with my history in mind, I also "heard voices". I don't think I did outside my head, but more of *inside my head. They were there, and uncontrolled, just inside my head. Like, thoughts. But I didn't recognize them as my own, and they were vastly different from me. Some had "roles". Like one was an obvious persecutor, and his only job was to make every other voice that existed in my head miserable. He made me miserable, and he did the same with others. He'd isolate himself, and he never, ever was respectful of me. I can't remember if he introduced himself as Richard, or if I just named him that, but I remember thinking he was the devil, and that I was going to never be able to escape him. I got so afraid whenever the name Richard was brought up. Some other notable voices I heard were kind, they were pleasant and sometimes were like other familial figures for me. There was another voice that was pleasant, and she was almost mother-like to me. She'd comfort me in times when I needed it. Some of the voices were children as well.

These voices eventually went away when I got better with my depression. So, fast-forward to around Jan-Feb of 2020. I had just been through a pretty hard-to-process event. Nobody else seemed to really care, but my brain went into overdrive for some terrible reason. I couldn't stop replaying everything, and I couldn't stop feeling everything. I felt sick daily, and I felt like I could hardly function. The voices eventually came back as I struggled to cope more and more. I at first thought I could've had BPD, but I denied it because I lacked many of the symptoms, so I discredited the possibility of that quickly. I then came across a Tumblr post talking about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I read through. I resonated with some of it, but still, I wasn't sure, and I was extremely hesitant to diagnose myself with anything, considering how unpredictable and nearly unmanageable my emotions were.

But, not too long after the event, I began to hear voices again. These voices were random. I remember a woman in my head, her name being Celeste, told me about her always being there to help me. I remembered her from 2018(?)-2019 to be the same woman that I considered my second mother when I needed her most. She was like a protector of sorts, but instead it was for helping with my emotions and blocking them out for me. And others came in, like Kyle, and Walter. Walter and Kyle were both OCs I had made about 2 or 3 years before the incident. I grew strongly attached to them. I remember walking out of class, and suddenly feeling a shift in my perspective on life. I felt stronger, my gender changed, my idea of my appearance changed, and everything around me felt different. I looked at myself in the third person, but I was this whole new entity. I had become Kyle. It was a pleasant feeling, since I had been feeling stressed beforehand. It felt like a protective coping mechanism. I could see through my eyes, but they weren't my own, you know?

I also remember a lady coming in to meditate with us in class, it was in... history, I think? Very random, but my teacher had her come in after lunch so we could "reset", I guess. I told her about what I had been experiencing, and what I saw whilst meditating. I saw all of those "alters", and they all introduced themselves to me. Some were friendly, some not. They were all in a black void, just... there. She then told me to see a school counselor, and I was sorta becoming concerned at this point. I think she thought I was having delusions, or some sort of episode? Which, I guess I was?

By this time, I had so many alters that I think I was past 15. I could practically feel every single time a new one would be formed. I felt more dissociative, foggy, far away, and just... gone. And when they finally split, I felt better. Briefly. I'd still feel a very low dissociation daily, and I had spikes where it'd be so bad, that it felt like I'd "switch" with these "alters". Some were solely there to help as a voice inside my head, and others would actually "front" with me. Usually, when, let's say, Celeste would front, I'd feel no more emotional pain. I'd be in the background. And, when a "trauma holder" "fronted", suddenly a wave of memories and feelings during the incident would crash back. I'd usually cry during these moments. And when a protector would front, I'd feel fury at random. My anger would extend towards family members, specifically my dad for some reason, and anger towards anybody that even slightly wronged me.

The thing is, I remembered everything during these episodes, but my memory would just get very hazy, and I didn't recognize that as me whatsoever. Even now, I don't recognize some of those things as me. It feels like someone else did it. I believed I had "alters" for a while. They'd be distinct enough for me to believe that they just weren't me. They dated other alters, they had different memories, they had different emotions, different wants, needs, and outlooks on life. Some were curious about humans, others were spiteful, some were positive, innocent, and some were immature, etc. Very, very all over the place.

I remember, I think, partially "blacking out" and coming in and out of consciousness in school after being in a place that reminded me of my trauma. An "alter" fronted, and took me straight to my next class. I was somewhat conscious, but I didn't feel in control of my body. It was the exact same feeling I'd get when I'm half-asleep in the car, and my parents are carrying me to my bed. I "woke up" in my class, and asked, "Oh my god. How did I get here???" It took me a little bit to reorient myself. That was my only memory of potentially blacking out, otherwise, I was pretty good at remembering the last thing that was being done.

During very triggering moments, or at the very least, upsetting events, I'd "switch". There were so many, possibly 40+ at this point. Every stressor resulted in a "split". My parents were arguing? Split. School stress? Split. Sibling drama? Split. Relationship troubles? Split. Trauma memories? Split. It never seemed to end, until eventually, I got better.

I started getting better around mid-2022. I was able to feel a lot more grounded in life. I didn't feel "switchy" or dissociative as much anymore. The voices randomly stopped, I felt like me again, and I was able to not focus on the traumatic event as much anymore. I could talk about it without feeling like I was going to "pass out" within my own body, and someone else would take over.

So like... wtf? Everything felt so real. Genuinely. Like, I remember before bed, they'd be chatting it up about random crap. Sometimes, they'd "visit" me and ask how I was doing, or when I was upset, they'd know to comfort me or to "front" to help me cope.

But, I don't think I had the required trauma to even form a system... like, I don't understand where it came from. I don't know if I'm endogenic, either. I don't think I am, considering that usually these voices and stuff would come from times of a lot of stress and pressure. I also don't think I experienced repeated trauma as a kid. I don't think I did at all, actually. I feel like I had a normal, almost boring childhood.

So my main question is, was this just a weird delusion possibly induced by being traumatized, was it severe DR/PR, a result of PTSD being so bad that I would dissociate into 'different people', or was it a genuine form of systemhood I experienced? What's even weirder is the fact that I couldn't recognize that as me during those episodes. Like, genuinely. I look back, and slowly but surely, they started to feel like "me" again, but there were times where I remember devouring foods I wouldn't usually like because someone else was "fronting", or doing things I wouldn't usually do because someone else was "fronting".

[gurugirl]

So I'm conflicted. I messaged you a while ago that I was talking with a guy 25 years older than me. We exchanged pictures and I wasn't attracted to him. I broke things off with him but didn't tell him why. I used an excuse that, while true, wasn't the reason I didn't want to talk anymore. I missed talking to him, so after about a month I started messaging him again. I've never had anyone talk to me the way he does. We text all day, even when we are both at work. We text about everything. Like our lives, daily stuff, childhoods, and sex stuff. I don't think we have disagreed on anything yet. I don't know if I like him or just that he is the only person to be nice and seem to care about me in the not just friends sense. There are so many things to think about with him. He has two kids. I am only 7 years older than his son. I wouldn't want to start out as anything serious with him but I've never even been on a date before and he has been married and had children. Plus there is the whole could I become attracted to him. When I first saw his picture it was an instant no from me but after looking at them over and over again I can see maybe some attachment growing. I'm just looking for any sort of advice. I don't want to hurt him just because I can't figure my shit out. Any idea of how to figure this out? What do I do or ask him or myself? I've never done this with someone my age so it feels even more confusing with someone older. He always says he likes talking with me and is thinking about me. I get a thoughtful message that is different every morning. First thing at around 7am even though he knows I won't respond until hours later. How can I tell if I like this because its from him and not just because it is happening at all? Sorry for the long-winded ask. I'm just very confused and no one in my real life even knows he exists. It isn't something I want to bring up if it isn't ever going to turn into a real thing. What would you do and how would you go about figuring it out? Also I can't remember if I mentioned it in the past but for reference I'm 30 and he's 55.

Hi hon! I think I remember you telling me your age and his.

It sounds like you genuinely enjoy his "company" or like how he treats you and you two get along really well so to me it makes sense you'd want to keep talking because you formed a bond of some sort. But when it comes to matters of the heart that's where stuff really gets confusing. You have established you like him as a companion or friend but you're not attracted to him.

I've had friends in the past that I liked so much that I was confused by what my feelings were for them (I couldn't tell if it was romantic or just like close friends) and in the end it wound up boiling down to me just really really liking them as a friend but it was mistaken for more because it was kind of intense. I'm not sure if that's kind of how you're feeling for this man or not but I can see it happening and I empathise with you bc that's super confusing. The guy that I was very close friends with wound up liking me as more than a friend and I sort of forced myself to want to be with him romantically bc I wanted to keep his friendship and not lose him, and also thought surely I'd eventually find him attractive bc I liked him so much but that never happened and I couldn't get past not having that physical attraction.

While I don't feel like looks are everything, for me personally, if I were to be considering seeing someone romantically I'd need to find that physical attraction after my experience. I don't think you can force something like that or that one day you'll wake up and find him handsome. But who knows? Maybe that wouldn't be the case for you. We are all wired differently. I met a couple a few years ago where the woman told me that she never found her husband to be "good-looking" but that she adored him and everything else about him made him attractive to her (he was also much older than she was).

I fear this is one of those things that you'll just need to try and be honest with yourself about (which is so hard when you're confused about it) and maybe even him as well. Being that he's 55, I'd hope he's not expecting a 30 year old to find him terribly attractive. I bet he's aware that you'd have that hurdle to figure out.

I don't know how you should go about it in your situation. I just know for me I would want to be at least somewhat physically attracted and I don't think it's something I can force. But since you're so conflicted about this and no one else knows about him, would it be the worst thing to talk it out with him? You trust him (it sounds like) and you two know a lot about one another so maybe just tell him how you're feeling. It'll give him perspective maybe and if he's a truly stand-up guy he won't try and persuade or pressure you or anything like that. It'll be more like a frame for him to view the relationship so you two are on the same page, or at least he can understand your view of things. Maybe you'll find clarity that way, by talking it out with him.

Thank you for the update! I hope my rambling made sense and that you can find some clarity in your situation somehow 💕

xoxo

[egg-emperor]

Hi! You seem like the most likely person to ask, do you know any fanfics where Sage is not babyfied? It’s kinda frustrating how she is reduced to her appearance and not portrayed as, you know, the scary potentially fucking AI that Eggman created

Unfortunately I've actually only ever read exactly one fic that involves Sage in my life that I didn't write myself. XD But fortunately it's a very good one!

Here it is. Though in this one and mine, the focus is on Sage's submissive subordinate servant side and tragedy of being a life-like human creation with a dangerous, selfish, manipulative creator like Eggman who still really treats her as the tool she was created to be and will make sure he keeps her loyal and useful to him. And it's really fucking good 💜

Which is also along the lines of what I myself have mostly written involving her in my concepts so far too. Mine haven't been turned into and published as actual fics yet but some of my more story type concepts and ideas involving her can be seen throughout my #Sage the AI tag.

Because I haven't read any more I unfortunately don't have any recommendations of actual fics that specifically focus on and explore her evil scary destructive side to recommend or share myself yet. But I do have some concepts and ideas of the sort here and there in my Sage tag too.

With the ideas I have about how their dynamic works when they're doing evil together and the diabolical things Sage could do, I might take a crack at it in fic form at some point! Or at least share more of the ideas I have in the meantime in concept form more.

If anyone has any suggestions and recommendations please share because I'm curious too! The main reason I haven't found more is because I can't go into Sage related searches and tags on any site without discomfort when I see the OOC stuff and sadly potentially missing out on rare gems as a result.

Sorry I couldn't recommend much but the one I did is really great! And I might write at least a oneshot focusing more on her as the evil threat she also is in time, I'm just also highly fascinated with the loyal servant side and that's mostly what I've created with so far. Though there's a bit of the former in my tag for now too!

Because this is Eggman's creation, of course she's gonna be fucked up and evil and a threat like her father! Just like she was actually shown to be at the beginning of Frontiers when completely untouched and not influenced by Sonic and co yet in the slightest as I showed in this post and I really love that. XD

Now that's something I really wanna see more of in both canon and fandom! And I hope to make contributions myself the best I can. ^^

[nightowl33art]

Old recording found.

Since I'm meeting my new therapist tomorrow, I decided to sort my evidence and update anything important. While looking through voice recordings, I found a nearly 23 minute long monologue from Dionysus on August 23, 2023. I listened to the whole thing. Couldn't find it in written form anywhere so I assume he said it all on the spot. I feel bad. You can really hear the pain in his voice. He sounded awful. I do not remember this recording, nor do I remember what upset him so bad. It appears though that this was around his first fronting session after figuring out he was his own. I've decided to transcribe it because it hits hard. Mostly accurate.

"I've encountered a lot of terrifying things in my life. Some more terrific than others. Some things strike more fear into my heart than others. But none, I believe, are quite as terrifying as the man in my DNA. The thing that contributed to my very being... somehow a monster in my own house... at least once.

Growing up, I was scared. Home was a war zone and you weren't ever fully safe. Not when he was around. Not when he wanted you. Somehow.. somehow, he gained so much power, that he took the very essentials- the things that made you- the fundamentals of your very being, and he twisted it into an ugly mush. Now I'm stuck with that mush for my whole life.

I look at it. Sometimes I let it consume me, and I'm scared when it does. I'm consumed by the fear. The one swift motion, and my entire body tenses up. I'm scared once again. Then I forget it all. I forget it happens. I can't remember how I felt until it's too late, and the cycle repeats. I feel the same terror over and over. It never quite sticks.

I'm always fearing him. I'm always a bit scared. More importantly, because of the way he twisted my entire life into an ugly mess- the way he made my beliefs built on lies, deception, manipulation at every corner.

I sit here with hatred. A seething, burning hatred. So much that it'll burn every bit of my being. A fire so big, soul-raging, that I don't know what to do with it. And so it splits, into someone else, in a different part of the mind. That rage can be its own thing. It doesn't have to be anyone else.

I wonder where you'll end up some years from now. Where will you be when you get older? What do you want to do when you grow up? Lord I never knew. Until I did. The very purpose of my life came to me one night. I don't know where, or when, or why exactly, but I knew I was to be an entertainer. I would make everyone happy. And I would myself happy doing just that. It didn't matter the rhyme, the reason, the meaning, the medium, or necessarily even the time. I just knew that I would.

I'm afraid. Is it wrong to be afraid? Shadows.. shadows aren't terrifying at all. Little things you used to fear, thinking ghosts were real and monsters lurked out there. None of them could compare... to the monster at home. It makes you wonder. How such a person can even exist. How can such a cruel man be real? I can't exactly remember the last time I felt this way. I just know I have. And at this point, I'm tired. We're all very tired and we want it to stop. It hurts our head. It hurts our body. We're anxious.

I saw him complaining to me, about her, but I could feel my body, the anxiety coursing through. I could feel my heart pick up. I could tell I needed to breathe more air. But I couldn't break until he was gone. So I stare at him, agreeable, manageable, quiet, frowning, maybe a little depressed sounding. But whatever you want, whatever you say, just to get him out. It feels nice when he leaves. You feel free again, you can breathe again, when he exits out that door. And you can safely lock it behind him.

What did I do? I didn't do anything to deserve this pain, this torment. Yet I live in anguish. This much he says and he doesn't... this is torture. This is real life and it's a waking nightmare with him around. This is scarier than anything I think I could dream up. Just about anything.

I think one of the only things that could be scarier than this, is losing absolutely everything I have to him. And I'd have to relinquish control, what little control I have over my own life right now, to him. I don't want to be his puppet. I don't want to lose what I have. I might not have all the [?], but I have something. I've gotten a taste of freedom. It tasted pretty good. I don't wanna go numb and empty. I don't wanna feel dead in there anymore. I'm tired of feeling helpless, alone in a sense, trapped in this maze, this prison, forever. I want to get out so badly. I want to escape. It's all so close and yet so far away.

But I can get there. Cause as much as he calls me frail and weak, I'm a lot stronger than he thinks. I'm a lot tougher than he thinks I am.

It's true, I don't know everything. But neither does he. And I doubt that he knows everything. He acts like he knows best. He's a weathered, traveled, experienced man who knows exactly what makes the world go round, what makes it work. But I've spoken to other people, I've seen things. I don't think that's quite how it works. I just have to learn not to be afraid of what's out there. To step out and take that dive. Cause if I get too scared, if I clamp up, I'm gonna be stuck with him. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he'll be controlling me, just as he's always wanted to do.

I don't get it. I don't get what's with him. It's probably the narcissism, if I'm honest. So full of himself, so manipulative, he doesn't care. He can't see. And he says he cares... he says he does all this stuff because he loves us... Why would you threaten to kick your kid out if you loved them?

I don't know what love is. I sure as hell know it's not that- it can't be that. Love is real care, understanding. You might not know how someone ticks exactly, but you'll at least try to learn. You care about their well being, but you don't do it on a superficial level.

You never took the time to get to know us. And now, even when you try, you won't get in. Cause we've learned, we know better by now. We don't trust you, we don't like you, we don't love you, but that's your own fault.

I don't know when I'll get out of here, but I know I will. Cause that's what I've been aiming for ever since I've figured it out. This dream, it ain't right. This isn't how it's supposed to be in a normal, loving family.

I don't know. I don't know if I wanna think my father loves me for real, as much as it is that he loves the idea of what I could be. Cause if I'm not a trophy, if I ain't fit to be a bragging right, what good am I? Instead we disappoint, we disgust, we make him sad. And I just don't CARE if you're sad, I don't care if you're disappointed. I've grown past that at this point. It used to hurt hearing those things but I got over it. Cause I figured it out. It's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you want, it don't matter what you like.

I'm not saying I'm gonna go out there, get a tattoo, gamble my savings away. Although it sure would be funny, gambling all his money for me away after he dies. I know better. I don't plan on any of that. But his way doesn't have to be the right way. Doesn't have to be the only way. I know a lot of things are obscured, and I can't see everything completely. A lot of this looks invisible to me because of the way I was raised. But I know there are more ways than one. I know there's other ways to live life. They aren't in his book.

I wanna explore. I wanna go out on my own. I don't wanna be tied down by some madman who only really thinks of himself. He says it's for our good, he says it's cause he loves us. I don't understand how love can twist you so horribly. You're just a narcissist and you're just selfish. If you ain't a narcissist, you're awful narcissistic-like. And it hurts and I wish you'd see how much it hurts. How draining it is to be nearby you. How painful it is, in a sense, to be you.

I didn't ask to be born. And yet because I am born, I have to suffer the consequences of it. I have to live a life of threats and fear, because half of my DNA is his. And he's too stupidly stubborn and "loving" to let us go. To kick us out, to disown us all already. He's so stupid. He doesn't realize... he thinks he's the smartest guy in the world. Makes my head spin.

I don't understand everything. I don't know if I ever will understand. The brain wants to rationalize, but... there isn't much to rationalize about here. He's just... so into himself. That's just how it is. And I'm left alone with my thoughts. The other men that aren't quite me. We're here for each other. At least we're not him.

Cause one day he's gonna get what's coming to him. He's gonna be left in the dust. And maybe, maybe just maybe, I'll never have to speak to him again. That'll be a great, joyous day. No matter how it goes, I'm gonna celebrate that goddamn event. Whether it's big and loud, or quiet. Whether I'm scared from it, or I'm empowered, either way: I'm free. And I can breathe. And finally... I can heal. The nightmare has ended. The pain, the torment, will go away.

It's just a matter of time and determination. Finding the right opportunities to make a move. And he won't know till it's too late. And his pawn will be gone. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna make my mistakes, I'm gonna get my hands dirty. But it's all gonna be me. No one else can influence those decisions. If we wanna do what we wanna do, then we're gonna do it.

Perhaps I'll celebrate when you keel over. Life will be better when we're out of your picture. Cause we can't move you, but we can certainly get around you. You try to block the exist door. You try to cover it in curtains and couches. You try to take that very thing away from us. There's always another way around. And you can't stop me from getting my justice. And if all that is is getting out of here, then by golly, let it be. This is not the end. I will get out of here. And when I do, life's gonna be lovely, I just know it."

[nothingmatters-everythingmatters]

I've already sent you an ask (more like a ramble on aesthetics and its relation to women) around a week ago, you're probably inactive atm (which isnt a bad thing btw!) but i'm gonna send another thing in (something unrelated to my last ramble lol).

now that i've spent time both in radfem/"terf" spaces and trans positive/inclusive(?) ones, i've noticed how scared the latter are of being even *slightly* associated to the former. it's oddly funny and kind of silly when you think about it. ppl have talked about this before but i'm referring to stuff like "op is a terf" and "terfs dni". the latter has been especially poignant to me recently for some reason: a trend ive seen is that ppl often write that in their bio after having created a post which some radfems or GCs reblogged/engaged with and they've used the classic "so terfs have come across this and i just wanted to let it be know that i dont like you guys" (altho worded much less kindly). it's like they're *terrified* of being perceived by ppl who share their views as even just somewhat affiliated to the "other" in any way, shape or form. or they're terrified of the other following them and interacting with their content. it feels very defensive and overly "loud" to me, idk?... the "op is a terf" has been talked about a lot in the radfem/GC spaces, so this might be a shorter section (update: it's not, lmao), but as that one post said: "it's a thought terminating cycle". I think that's one of the reasons i haven't checked out what the hell these "terfs" were actually saying and arguing (apart from screenshots of JKR tweets) for so long. it rlly proved to me how engaging with media from other "sides" is crucuial, even if you probably wont agree most of the time. if anything, i think i just wanted to be a good ally: i love debating and i wanted to know how to respond to "terf rhetoric" better. i remember feeling surprised by what i saw, not feeling the immediate "this is illogical and bad" feeling, and having trouble arguing against certain points. i couldn't even find good counter arguments from other ppl. and then there was a domino effect (altho i havent adopted all radfem and GC POVs and dont consider myself as a radfem or rad leaning/GC). even some trans friends of mine were surprised when i reported my findings to them. i'll stop here even though i can talk about this for much longer, but those "terfs/radfems dni" bios rlly stick out to me now and made me think lol. hope to see you back soon! ~🪼

hi hi! apologies for the delay! I did in fact spend some personal time offline, it was quite nice and it is probably a much healthier thing than spending most of my day on tumblr lmao but I can't deny I did miss speaking openly about my opinions on things, especially certain observations that I absolutely would not be able to discuss with my irls unless I wanted to sit them down for a multi-hour lecture just to make sure I wasn't misunderstood ^_^|||

anyway I just saw both your asks (eloquently written as ever!) and will respond to this first just because I saw it first lmao. not much to add other than maybe rambling myself about some of my own similar experiences and what not. you've put it into words great though! there is almost this "mystical" denouncement of terfs/radfems/gender criticals who are mislabled as just radfems etc. within trans spaces, and as I've looked more and more into "terf" ideology this kind of hatred really does go back far, to a point where it's basically impossible to even mention radical feminism or gender critical feminism without immediate hostility. like a sort of legend or custom, being wary/outwardly hateful of the demonic terf. maybe this is why when I heard gender ideology being likened to a religion, the analogy really clicked with me, because on some level trans-inclusive spaces really do make terfs feel like "the devil", some root of all evil, the parallel to the "divine" that they liken themselves to. I'm fairly atheistic myself in regards to just religion in general, so understanding being gender critical as essentially "gender atheism" helped me realize how logically flawed and slightly harmful a vehement belief in trans ideology could be, just as a non-critical perspective on any religious ideology can be.

I definitely relate to the point of basically falling into the radfem rabbit hole accidentally. I don't really feel like I'm properly a radfem or especially an activist (I do just write what's on my mind and that I can't really get engagement from my pre-existing social circles lol) and I honestly got into the ideas not through radblr but imageboards and forums through my bad habit of looking for material to "invalidate" me as some kind of "doom-scrolling" practice, but instead of finding blind hatred (even in the most niche of internet corners, where the ideology does get radical indeed) I found logical, cogent arguments and reasoning for why these people were so against gender ideology. I mean, yes, there was still hatred, but there's hatred on every corner of every internet space, and it also made me realize how my belief in not committing "thought crimes" by even entertaining "terf" rhetoric was simultaneously making me blind to the genuine flaws and ickier aspects of the trans + queer community that I was just sort of ignoring with cognitive dissonance. as a woman and someone with really god awful people-pleasing habits, I was unfortunately quite good at ignoring things that made me uncomfortable in order to maintain social acceptance and a good reputation in the eyes of others, and even if I don't share every radfem or gc belief, I can't deny being exposed to them all was absolutely integral to unraveling some of that unhealthy behavior.

based on my personal experiences, it is really actually quite disheartening to see that "radfem/terf dni" thing happen so much online. you really can't expect to never challenge your own thinking. in fact, challenging your preconceived notions is the only way you can grow as a person in your personal philosophy and conception of the world. I get it though, it is probably scary to engage with the "forbidden fruit" if your whole self-proclaimed all-accepting community says that this is one thing that is absolutely intolerable and will get you kicked from this welcoming "club". I will say, having opened this proverbial pandora's box of theory, I get a bit more angry and cynical at the state of the world (how did I never notice the staggering affects of misogyny before?), and I get a bit more sad that I'll never be able to have that unquestioning community with people who are supposed to understand me. I wonder if there are more people who would honestly be able to understand the nuances in critiquing gender ideology out there, but they fear that ostracization too. if by some random chance anyone like that ever reads this exact post (lol what are the odds) I always like to remind people that a burner email and account on something like tumblr is incredibly easy to set up!

alright, lemme get to your other ask because it is really interesting and thanks again for visiting!! I genuinely missed engaging with this kinda stuff offline, and I also get tired being the one to drip feed new ideas to people in person. it's really nice to just get a nice well written insight to engage with unfiltered (well, as unfiltered as a tumblr post under a pseudonym can be lmao)

[sasubaeuchithot]

what do you think about sakura? i've always been very conflicted or even indifferent to her. i feel like i've either wanted to really like her, but she falls short on every expectation, or i've wanted to really hate her, but she's too bland even for that. i've seen one half of the fandom raise her on a pedestal that i feel she doesn't deserve and the other make her absolute rubbish and that you're supposed to loathe with all your heart.

when it comes to naruto and sasuke, i do think both of them have love for sakura (even sasuke, even though it seems almost blasphemy to say this out loud), as both of them have love as their core characteristic, especially sasuke. i think sakura loves them both too, but i also think she's shallow in her feelings but is capable of reflecting on them. but i also think, often giggling to myself, that she's a smelly sweaty nervous girl when it comes to sasuke and it takes time to grow out of it.

all in all i think people in this fandom often seem to forget nuance and context when talking about her.

i enjoy you writing her, because she has dimension and she's capable of self reflection, but you don't put her on a pedestal.

sorry for the rant, i need other things to think about than my life right now. hope you're doing good and beating your writer's block with a stick!

sakura is very complicated for me. as a character, she enrages me- but not because of her actual personality. it's important when watching any form of fictional media to remember that these are characters, characters who were created by a real person to try to tell a story. all of her unlikable flaws for me all stem from the fact that she was created specifically for the male characters around her. even as early as her character introduction, which was the first plot device we are ever given to paint the rivalry between naruto and sasuke; we are introduced to sakura by naruto proclaiming he has a crush on her, only to see her brush him off and shallowly fangirl over sasuke. this continues throughout the entirety of the story in ways you don't necessarily notice at first, but become glaringly obvious the more you understand the misogyny in kishimoto's writing.

in the beginning of the land of waves arc, kakashi has all three students practicing tree climbing. Sakura, we see, excels at this. this seems great for a female character, right??? look, she's better than her two male teammates!! except that when you take into account that that is basically the one of the like. two times in the entire story we ever see her do better than either Sasuke or Naruto. this moment does more than just fall short due to never being supported again in the narrative once you realize that in actuality, kishimoto wrote her to have excelled so well at controlling her chakra because he wanted to write her out of the scene. that is literally the only reason he wrote her being adept in that moment. he needed naruto and sasuke to bond over training, and he didn't want sakura to be a part of the sentiment. narratively in his mind, she couldn't be! her entire existence was about the OPPOSITE; she was created to show the divide between the other two, so she can't be there to assist in showing their bond.

this is also where the concept of "Sakura is useless" comes from. her character was not created to showcase the world building of ninjutsu, nor was she meant to be the one saving the day. kakashi's character was about worldbuilding; he is the teacher-character who dialog dumps all of the information about how this ninja world operates. and at the beginning, saving the day was largely sasuke's job- to display the incapabilities and shortcomings of naruto- and then that moved onto Naruto's job- to show how far the protagonist has worked and to push the story forward. sakura's purpose of being the representation of how sasuke is Wanted and naruto is Unwanted does not fit in battle, so she is sidelined. for the entire first part of the story, she doesn't even have a jutsu she specializes in!!!! in a show about ninjas!!!!!!!! she is never allowed to display her own adeptness, because it would get in the way of her male counterparts' story. and then in an effort to keep her character relevant later on (and to placate fans I'm sure), kishimoto decides to make her. a fucking medic. a caregiver.

the misogyny of it angers me. she's the main female in your story, and her sole purpose is to support male characters both within the narrative and on the paper. but if i choose to watch/read the story as most other viewers do, devoid of my knowledge of writing fiction, I start to like her come Shippuden. i love the balance she has between her strength and her feminity. i love loud, determined women who show their gentleness selectively. i love her "headstrong combined with arm strong" (I'm quoting myself lmaoooo). but i despise how ALL of that disappears around Sasuke. it's so hard to focus on what I do like about her when kishi takes every opportunity he can to display the fact that she is very much Written By A Man™.

one super frustrating challenge that i had was the fact that I had to start out sakura's character in my own fanfiction complying with these awful character traits for her. my goal of kizuna hikari was to have everyone as canonically in-character as possible- which includes inheriting sakura's misogynistic character purpose. but i refused to keep her that way. so her character arc for me was shedding off her male-centric character traits. it took the whole fucking fic to undo kishi's work lmaoooo. i had to really gnaw away at her dependency on Sasuke, which involved keeping her narrative unfortunately still centered around him. but now i feel like now I'll actually be able to write her as her OWN character for the sequel, thank fucking god.

what you said about Naruto and Sasuke loving her is so true, and I see it the same way. their core character traits are both about loving deeply and intensely, so it's difficult for me to see either of them NOT caring about her. Sasuke at his heart is gentle and kind, rude as he can outwardly be. he naturally craves love. Sakura for sure is delusional, and a lot of her infatuation with Sasuke is rose-tinted, but I don't think ALL of it is. she does care for and love Sasuke- she's just lost in her own fantasy with it.

i really enjoyed writing her finally coming to terms with her delusions, realizing what parts of Sasuke she had been glamorizing and finally seeing him for himself. from where I've left off with her at the end of the povs, she did not fall out of love with him even though she came to terms with sasuke and naruto's relationship, which tells me that I think that she does harbor real love for him in canon. i can't wait to expand on her in the sequel and see how that develops.

[aesthetic-multifandom-ships]

It's always been you: Tony Stark imagine

Request: I looove your stories so far. Could you possibly make a Tony Stark story with prompts 43 and 44? -Anon

A/N: Hey...wow. okay I'm sorry. I've only got like 4 imagine that I can still do from 2018 post. I went away for a bit on the imagines but I'm back! I'll try to do better! 

Prompts: 43: "I think I've been holding myself from falling in love with you again" & 44: "I'm not going to apologize for this, not anymore"

My prompts: Here

Characters: Tony, Reader

Warnings: Angst, slight fighting 

Its been 2 years since Y/N began living at the avengers tower. You can't even call us a tower anymore really, but it works out for everyone. Each person with their own room specialized for their specific needs. 

For most people this would be the dream, living with the heros themselves, but not for Y/N. She's been tiptoeing around the facility for one reason, the man himself, Tony Stark. He was a narcissist, everyone knew that but Y/N couldn't help the feeling in her chest every time she saw him.

About a year ago she couldn't keep the feelings to herself... And ever since then she only speaks when she's spoken to. 

~flashback~

Y/n walked into the lab with a smile on her face. Masking the butterflies and anxiety that began to flood through her. Tony sat alone looking at his computer at some new blueprints. Taking his hand he motioned across the screen towards the area in front of him, creating a 3D model of his new suit design. Y/N stood in awe at the project in front of her. Tony looked to her an smirked. 

"You act like this is your first time seeing all of this" Tony chuckled and walked over to her side, clasping his hands together behind his back. 

"You and your projects never seize to amaze me Stark" Tony leaned over and nudged her shoulder and chuckled. He didn't respond, he just looked at the model in front of them. 

Y/n's hands became clammy , she hadn't even noticed her finger nails digging into them. Her heart began to race, she couldn't contain her feelings anymore yet it was hard to even muster up the words to say it. 

"What's going through your that  brain of yours?" Y/N hadn't even realized she had been looking at the floor for a good while now, not moving or saying anything. She almost ignored his words until her courage came out of no where.

"Tony" she turned towards him, he turned his head in response. "I think I'm in love with you" his eyes opened in shock as did hers. They both looked at each other, not moving. Y/n's heart began to race and her legs started to shake.

Tony started laughing, breaking the silence. "You can't be in love with me, that's not what I do. I don't dooo "love", it's just a chemical reaction in your noggin-" he softly knocked on the top of Y/n's head like it was a door. "-Nothing too special, it comes and goes" Tony turned back to his project and began working on it as if the conversation never happened. "I'm sorry" was all she could say.

Y/n gulped down her tears that threatened to fall and walked away, heading to her room where she'd be for the rest of the night.

~Now~

Water rushed down Y/n's back and quickly went away as she turned the scalding hot water off. Most people wouldn't be able to stand in that hot of water, but for Y/n…she didn't feel anything. She was use to the heat, especially since she was born with the ability to create fire in any way shape or form, but she was deemed as dangerous. Always kept to the building unless they needed her desperately.

Y/n sighed and brushed off her thoughts as she walked over to her mirror. The steam from her shower fogged up the glass, keeping her from seeing herself. Which was just the way she liked it. Ever since that day, she felt unworthy. Was she just a joke to him? To everyone?

Quickly she got dressed, as she did every single day, the same routine over and over. Since she wasn't allowed to leave the facility she kept to her room. If she was a danger to the world, she'd be dangerous to them too. But was it the only reason? Well that's what she told everyone. The only one who ever visited her was Peter Parker. An awkward young boy who felt bad for her, kept up in her room hiding from the world.

Today was a little different, Peter couldn't visit her today. Something to do with training. Which is why the knock on her door surprised her so much. No one besides Peter bothered to talk to Y/n.

She carefully stood up from her bed that she had just sat down on, slowly inching towards the door. Afraid of what or who was behind it. Another knock sounded just as she grabbed the door knob stopping the person from knocking on the door once more.

The person fumbled forward a bit with the sudden movement of the door. Y/n's eyes widened and her mouth went dry.

"What are you doing here?" Her words came out with a bit of attitude laced with it. She was angry to say the least. Why would he bother showing his face, it's been almost a month since he said anything remotely to you.

"Hmm let me think…, I live here and technically this is MY building? So I'm allowed to be here" Tony tried to make the situation humorous, as for Y/n she definitely didn't agree as she went to slam the door in his face, but was stopped by Tony's hand hitting the door.

"What's going on with you? You're never around anymore" he pushed the door open and walked past her. Y/n rolled her eyes and followed him with her arms crossed.

"Why do you care?" Tony turned around to face her and chuckled.

"Wow, is this about what happened over a year ago now?" Tony crossed his arms as well looking into Y/n's eyes. Her face was laced in shock.

"I-I why would you even think that?" She was beyond angry now, he hasn't once mentioned the situation again not even when it happened and now he cares?

"You've never been the same since. What happened to you?" Without hesitation Y/n picked up a book that was close by and chucked it in his direction. Tony dodged and threw his hands up.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!?" Tony shouted, stepping closer to her.

"YOU TONY STARK, YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME." She sighed and calmed down a touch. "All this time I've been hiding from you, from the pain that I've held onto for so long. I thought I was over you." Y/n walked to her bed and sat down, the mattress sinking under her.

"I think I've been holding myself from loving you all over again" Y/n looked at the floor, she wasn't going to hold it back anymore. She felt as though he deserved to feel her pain.

"Y/n look at me-" Y/n stood back up from the bed.

"No Tony" she stepped towards him "I am not going to apologize for this, not anymore." He didn't respond, all he did was stare at her.

"I've felt bad for myself for way too long. Feeling like I need to keep apologizing to you, but all You've ever done is make me feel worthless. I don't even know how I could love you" tears began to fall from her face. She almost felt relieved telling him how she really felt.

Tony knew how he felt. Since that day a year ago he wanted to grab her and hug her tight telling her he felt the same way. He just couldn't, something inside of him forced it down.

Tears slowly came to Tony's eyes, he looked at the poor girl standing in defeat. Tony grabbed her by her arm and pulled her close to him. Hugging her like she would fall apart if he let go. Her body tensed up in response.

"Tony, what are you doing to me?" She tried to speak through her tears, Tony held her tighter as they stood.

"I'm sorry. For everything, for making you feel unworthy. I'm sorry for not telling you that I love you more than I could ever love anyone." He pulled away from the hug and stared into her E/c eyes. Y/n searched his face for lies, something that would make everything fall apart, but she could tell that he was sincere.

The both of them searched each other's eyes for a moment longer. Tony reached a hand towards her face, rubbing his thumb under her eyes to remove the tears.

"Y/n, I love you. Even if I am just a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist I still have feelings" the both of them giggled, Y/n's head falling down as she did. As she rose her head again to look at him, Tony grabbed her face softly and kissed her. It took her by surprise at first but kissed him back.

It wasn't long before they needed air. The both of them put their foreheads together. Tony grabbed her hand and started to walk to the door.

"Where are we doing?" Tony smirked at her, causing her to raise a brow back at him.

"I'm going to show you the world" her eyes lit up, he smiled back at her as they walked out of her room and into the hall. Greetings from everyone as they passed. All of themselves seemed so happy to see her, warming her heart instantly.

Deep down she knows she should still be pissed, but this is everything she wanted. Everything she's dreamed of.

[lamelycool]

Complex Conclusions

Data Soong & Geordi La Forge

Summary: (a fic HEAVILY inspired of the episode Eye of the Beholder) Data contemplates suicide and the reasoning behind it. Geordi does his best to explain.

Tw: talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts

"Geordi, may I ask you a possibly triggering question?"

"Oh um, sure you can Data. What's on your mind?" Geordi glances over his shoulder as he continues to do calibrations.

"Have you ever contemplated suicide? "

Geordi pauses and turns to Data. "Oh, wow okay. One of those heavy talks..." Geordi huffs out a breathy chuckle then continues, "Well um no, I've never... at least not seriously. Life gets hard sometimes. Especially growing up blind. But I have too much to live for. I could never can't even think about it. Why do you ask? Is everything alright?" Geordi asks with concern.

"I am simply trying to understand the subject better. Specifically, why would someone choose to willing terminate their life?"

Geordi pauses and thinks carefully of his to respond. How to explain in a way Data would understand? And how to explain it at all really? Why couldn't Data ask someone like Deanna or Beverly, someone more experienced... Just the duties of a best friend to a curious android though he supposed.

"Well uh Data, I don't really know. I mean there are many reasons someone might choose to. But I suppose it is overall to 'fix' something they believe is wrong or a problem? The best conclusion they see? I- I don't know Data it's complicated..."

"A conclusion? The conclusion being that death is the best solution?" Data tilts his head then nods. "Ah, I believe that I understand. I have been in a similar situation myself."

This grabs Geordi's full attention and he quickly turns to face Data and asks in shock, "Really?"

"Yes. My first months after being activated were a difficult time. And there were many problems that occurred with me becoming more sentient."

"Because of your nural nets forming? " Geordi offers.

"Yes, as I learned and acquired more skills my newly developed nural pathways took over less complex pathways. The process was very dissorienting. "

"I'd bet... "

"And as my systems grew in complexity, it became increasingly difficult to integrate new pathways into my neural net... I came to the conclusion it would be safer and easier to shut myself down and start again. In a way it would've been suicide. "

"Oh Data... What did you decide to do?"

"I decided against doing so and gained a new outlook. I decided to face my problems as challenges to be overcome. Not as 'road blocks' that stop me."

"That's a good way to look at it Data. Was that... was that the only time? The only time you thought of...committing?" Geordi inquiries cautiously.

"I have on three other occasions. That being when I first lost someone to death, when encounterimg a being that altered my thoughts, and during academy."

"Academy? Starfleet Academy? Why?"

"Yes Starfleet Academy. In academy I was learning how to interact with others properly. But my fellow students did not tend to like me because of my android nature. And the few who were kind tended to view me simply as an intricate piece of machinery that they wished to study. Not as a person or friend. It was overall a... confusing and isolating experience. Because while I cannot feel lonely or hurt, it is still not a situation I would wish to be in."

"That's terrible Data I'm sorry. You don't deserve that you are as much a person as anyone else is. Hell you're the kindest person I know!" Geordi exclaims angry that anyone could treat Data so poorly. It always makes him upset when people treat Data like he is not a person, just a computer, like he's less than.

"If I may ask... Did you contemplate then because of any particular event during Academy or? "

"Indeed. I was uncomfortable yes, but not enough to contemplate suicide. I did so after being in a situation which conflicted with my code. I was in a way ordered to do so. In fact it was the event that caused me to be able to choose to disobey. That if following a order is harmful or goes against my moral code I will not follow said order not matter from who. "

"That's terrible! Did you tell someone? Did you report it? How could someone say something so... so... so cruel?! Who said that? Never mind I don't wanna know. I'd have to have a word or two with the jerk...telling my friend to off himself... What a dick. " Gerodi rants angrily trailing off into murmuring.

"It is alright Geordi. And no I did not. I did not wish to risk their career simply because of their views. Aswell as in the end they did teach me a lesson which caused me to develope further. They taught me further free thought, that not all people are kind, and that not all think the same way I do morally."

"Yah... But still no has the right to talk you in such a way okay? You are no less a person than anyone else. Hell, you're one of the best people I know! Kind, loyal, helpful, and hardworking. Not to mention a great friend."

"Thank you Geordi... You are a great friend to me aswell. I'm sorry Geordi, I must pologize. "

"Apologize? What for?"

"I do not believe that I have expressed how grateful I am for you Geordi. You are in a lot of ways my first friend. And you have become more than that. You are very dear to me. My closest friend. My best friend. "

"Data... ", tears begin pool in Geordi's eyes and he out stretches his arms, "come here buddy!"

Data leans forward into Geordi's embrace and they hug tightly. Their hug is as tight as their bond with one another. They are the best of friends, brothers, and much more. Their bond is just too complex to explain with words. So simply they are more.

[through-lines]

A Walk Through My Lives

A topic I wanted to explore: the chronological order of my lives (and how they relate to each other, this one included).

I've thought about this and the nature of my incarnations in general off and on since my awakening. Originally, the "big question" for me was whether or not there was a purpose to these lives, and what that hypothetical purpose was. Since coming apart from a headmate that I was misidentifying as myself, I think I've gotten a lot clearer look at what the overall theme of my lives is.

Also featured in this post:

How exactly my fictotypes affect my identity

My relationship with humanity (and why it's a big part of my "alterhuman" identity)

(This is over 2,000 words, I'm sorry)

My Nightmare/n Life

I consider my life as a Nightmare/n to be my original incarnation. I suppose part of that is the idea that I was created by Wi/zeman; in the games, Wi/zeman is a Dreamer (literally, a human visiting the world of dreams) who basically made himself a god and created various creatures (called Nightmare/n) to take over the dimension. While the lore of the games isn't true to my personal canon, I'm inclined to believe that Wi/zeman still played a role in our existence and the existence of our world.

I view being Nightmare/n as my absolute basal self. Whether I'm consciously aware of it or not, there's a quality of "Nightmare/n-ness" that I believe persists in whatever form I take. The magic and whimsy of my experiences as So/ra I feel, while possibly unrelated, is not coincidentally similar to the magical experiences of being a Nightmare/n.

As far as how my subsequent lives came to be, that's somewhat shrouded in mystery. I suppose that if my Nightmare/n incarnation really is my first ever lifetime, it makes sense that I might not have the clearest recollection of events. I have Vibes to go on more than anything. Notably, I only have simple memories of a peaceful life in idyllic places, yet my personal attempts with divination consistent came up with the idea that I served a much greater purpose. I've toyed with the idea of being an AU NiGHTS rather than a non-canon Nightmare/n, but the idea never gripped me, and I don't feel there's enough to support the idea.

In the vein of being NiGHTS, however, I came to an idea that did strike a chord in me: maybe I did somehow have some sort of illicit involvement with humans, as NiGHTS did in the games. And maybe that's why I couldn't keep being a Nightmare/n.

That "Not-A-Kintype Past Life"

I might have alluded to this ages ago. This is probably a subject that's better explored in another post, because I think the subject deserves the spotlight, but the short of it is this:

When I first discovered fictionkin in 2016, I believed this was a fictotype. I firmly believed it was a past life that affects my current one, but I struggled with the idea of actually identifying as this apparent fictotype, and came to the conclusion it's "just" a past life in 2018. More accurately, it's what we'd now call a kardiatype: a past life that's not quite a kintype, yet still has a profound effect on your current self.

I hesitate to talk about the source out loud for personal reasons, but in a nutshell, it was a horrifying life that was nigh endless suffering. It hurts to think about a lot of it. It's also a life where I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, for one, there's no point in trying trying to rewrite memories to be more pleasant; what happened happened. You can't change the past.

But I also believe it's why I turned out like this. Not to "trauma made me a better person" or anything, but in the grand scheme of the whole reincarnation thing, I see it as a necessary lesson. There's this underlying instinct that makes me want to say it was a punishment, but I truly can't see it as that.

Where it ties into my theory of becoming involved with humans is the fact that, despite how sure I feel of that life not being a punishment, the instinct still lingers, and it asserts itself in a way that I recognize as a signal that something's incomplete here. Subconsciously recognizing something, but being able to connect it to the conscious mind.

The theory is that this life was intended as a punishment. A very "if you love humans so much, then try living with them" thing. See if I come crying back to Night/opia when it turns out humans are vicious and insufferable.

But seeing the worst of humanity also let me see the best of it. I saw humans change in profound ways. I was given a second chance when I was certain I didn't deserve it.

For that reason, one of my longest theories about the order of my lives placed this one as one of the oldest. It's why I've felt so strongly about second chances and people's capacity for change across the rest of my lives. I want to help people to pay forward the extraordinary kindness I was shown then.

The Miscellany

I haven't exactly pursued the knowledge of every single past life I have ever conceivably lived, so if nothing jumps out at me, I'm probably liable to shrug about it. Hence, there's not a lot that goes between the kardiatype and So/ra.

Something I've debated being a past life, which after years is less of a debate and more of a "yeah, probably" is…a non-canon member of a certain fictional clan. Or rather, I'd like to say "technically canon", because logically someone had to have existed between the characters I feel are my father my son, but there's not a lot that goes on in the centuries between Important Events.

It's not exactly something I think about a lot, nor do I notice much influence on my current life—hence, it's just a past life. There are some things that grabbed me when I was questioning this being a fictotype, and they're things that still pull at my heart no matter how much time has passed. I think it's a matter of needing closure, but that's largely besides the point.

Have I had other lives? Possibly. Probably. I figure that, if I need to learn about them, I will. For now, I'm content with what I know and believe so far.

So/ra and Now

I've believed for good long while (quickly going through my journals doesn't tell me when, exactly) that my life as So/ra immediately precedes this current life. There's a certain qualitative difference I've come to realize over the years. My Nightmare/n self remains in me, it's an identity that comes to me easily, and it's embedded in all of my identities, past and present. But…

There's this idea I have of what I've been tentatively calling the throughline. Obviously, things carry over between lives. But a lot of things simply stay in the past; that's why not every single past life is going to be a present part of your identity.

The metaphor I reached (imperfect as it is) is something like all my lives being different standalone books by a single author. Familiar tropes and devices will appear across several books. There may be similar themes explored in each book, there may be a book that builds on a theme of another book, and maybe, occasionally, settings and characters will overlap. All those books are distinct from each other, though; they can stand on their own.

For reasons that I suspect is largely due to psychological factors and potentially partially to past life ones, this "story"—the life I'm currently living—cannot stand alone. It feels less like a standalone novel and more of a direct sequel, a second chapter, to the previous work. Or in less metaphorical terms: I have no one to be but So/ra—the culmination of all the experiences that led me there, then to here. That's the throughline: the direct continuation of the last life into this one.

My understanding of this identity is less "parts of a previous identity carried into my current identity" and more "my 'previous identity' never left me and parts of it simply developed over time like any normal person would experience in their lifetime". Except that "lifetime" is technically two lifetimes.

I don't feel like it's accurate to say that So/ra is any more important than being a Nightmare/n to me; I'm still Nightmare/n, and I still do want to be perceived as a Nightmare/n. But there's a certain sense of immediacy to being So/ra that pushes my experiences from that world to the forefront. That's what I'm trying to get at.

The Purpose of Reincarnation

Along the same vein as questioning as questioning the chronological order of my lives, there's also the question of why I'm experiencing the lives that I am. Namely, I wondered about the possibility of some higher power guiding me across my lives for a specific purpose.

The idea I quickly settled on was that my lives were self-guided and my only "goal" was to experience everything possible. I wanted to experience as many forms and life experiences as I could. This, of course, was back when Son/ic and I were entangled, and nonhumanity was a much bigger focus for "me". But having disentangled from him, I don't think the logic itself is wrong as much as it was just too broad.

If—big if—there was a higher power behind any of my reincarnations, then that might have been Wi/zeman, as I said before. I believe that everything after that has been fueled by my own desire. I see value in humanity, in being around humans and being human. Ironically, it's a very Nightmare/n feeling; I'm human because I'm nonhuman. I choose to be human over and over again because they're so wonderful and multifaceted to my alien eyes.

And that's the goal, I think: not to experience just any lives, but to experience as many forms of humanity as possible. Even if that human has nonhuman lineage. Even if that human has otherworldly features and qualities that the humans of this world lack. They're all humans, and I revel in how varied and diverse the human experience is.

Figuring It Out

It's occurred to me that people might not be on the same page as me here, so I want to get into the question of "how do you figure any of this out?"

The answer to that is…that there's a reason I'm using very vague and noncommittal language!

More specifically, I think everything else I wrote shows my process for figuring stuff out, but to be explicitly clear: I don't know any of this for a fact. It comes down to speculation and deduction, identifying patterns or trends, and listening to my gut on what feels wrong and what feels right.

That doesn't mean you can just divine the one true answer by thinking about it real hard. It does mean coming to terms with the fact that this has no basis in observable reality and you're probably going to be wrong about something, because you're not going to have proof one way or the other.

I know that my kardiatype feels like a purposeful lesson. I know that I have strong (positive) feelings about humans, and that I have been human several times. I know that it'd be strange to have a nonhuman life thrown in between those lives. And if I place them in this order, I can see an arc that makes sense and feels right to me.

And Some Other Questions

This blog post has been on my to-write list for a while, but I was inspired to focus on this because of a post by saccharine-fiction. This post doesn't really answer any of their questions directly (besides "what order did they happen in?"), though, so to address some of those:

Did you remember your life as X when you were Y?

I have no memories of…uh…having memories. As I said before, I feel there's an essence of "Nightmare/n-ness" that persists across all my lives, but that's not exactly the same as remembering being a Nightmare/n, or actively identifying as one.

I don't see this as being particularly surprising; after all, in this life, I never thought twice about most experiences I had before I discovered the fictionkin community. And that my past lives are fictional works probably play a role in getting as many memories as I have, honestly! Not to mention having a relatively uneventful and peaceful life, free from being isekai'd into Bullshitville at a young age or having the world end while the universe conspires to terrorize me into oblivion.

Did you have any spiritual experiences before this life that you feel you still carry with you?

Hmmmmm maybe? Depends on what’s meant by "spiritual experiences", I guess. Generally speaking, I think a lot of experiences of being So/ra carried over into now—if not literally, because "the laws of physics" and "humans don't work like that, that's biologically impossible" and so on, then in whatever closest equivalent my brain can muster up.

I'm still stewing on that topic though, so maybe that's better left for another time.

If your spiritual kintype isn’t an animal/human/similar, such as an AI or an object or a concept, how does that thing having a “soul” shape your worldview?

This question isn't technically applicable to my fictotypes—although it does have me thinking about the logic of being Some Guy's dream construct. Is he just capable of creating something with a soul? Or did I…like…develop a soul or something? That would be in line with how Hearts work, now that I think about it.

But I have been thinking about that lately, between Son/ic's canon (Rob/ians and A.I. friends abound—although, them having souls remains to be seen?), a certain A.I./android ghost that's haunting me, and that aforementioned Hearts thing.

I don't know what it is, personally, but "things" that are intelligent and autonomous seem to develop souls (or Hearts) as a general rule. I guess that's why it's not hard for me to accept the idea that artificial lifeforms and ordinary objects are capable of having a spirit.

Am I an animist? IDK, maybe.

The rest of the questions are N/A, and I can't think of anything else to add, so I'll leave things here. The other questions are really interesting though, so I'd like to encourage any spiritual otherkin or fictionkin to check out the original post for themselves! Even if you're too shy to publicize your answers, they still make interesting journaling topics.

I think that's the gist of it! This got out of hand way faster than I thought it would, but I suppose eight years of pent-up Thoughts and Feelings will turn a simple idea (what orders did my lives happen in?) into a whole dissertation on all the related parts I never got to talk about before.

Hopefully this post makes enough sense.

[bonefall]

Looking into a lot of plant species/fruits/any edible things for a cat group to eat for a non wc project and I was wondering how you go about searching for all the information you scrape up? Trying to find good sources while also not spending days on research is trouble for me atm

Especially for the ovens thing that a sentient cat species can realistically make. Did that come form just researching a ton of early ovens/cooking tools and finding what ones could cats realistically make themselves?

Unfortunately, my research does take me several hours over many days. One of the reasons I decided these guides would be free for all to use, is exactly in the hopes that I can help prevent others from falling down the "research rabbit hole" like I always do, so they can spend more time creating

General Flora and Fauna

But when it comes to good sources on flora and fauna, I narrowed myself down to a loose geographical area and I look for field guides and surveys in that space. Anything produced for Northern Wales, the Western Midlands, and Northwestern England can become a treasure trove of information for me.

The Mersey Forest network is really helpful specifically, they do a lot of work restoring English forests and I learn a lot of really interesting things about forest health from them

Working Backwards; Plants

There's also times I start with a spice, or chemical in mind and work backwards. I had a much longer list of HRT herbs but then cut it down by literally checking them off a list when they couldn't grow in the right environment. I don't have the notes anymore, but I remember clearly that Saw Palmetto was on that list. Then from there I simply google "Is X Safe For Cats?" and if it gives me a "NO! Upset belly :(" result, I try to isolate the specific chemical to see if it's deadly toxic or just a plant.

Cool example of that is potatoes. Mashed potatoes are actually fine for a cat to eat, but raw potatoes are deadly because they contain solanine, which has to be cooked to be neutralized. Yeast, also. Raw yeast will kill a cat, but the baking process kills yeast when cooking. This is why I decided if I ever use baked goods, it will be with unleavened dough. Peonies got axxed for any medicine ever because of the chemical paeonol.

Technology; Bushcraft

This actually takes the most time of anything, because it's quite intensive. Epilepsy so far has taken me the longest time because I, admittedly, knew a lot less about epilepsy than I thought I did, and realized that while writing the guide and took extra time to educate myself... but when something like that doesn't happen? Bushcraft takes the longest.

That's because things that seem simple are actually quite complicated, and I try to understand the process behind something before I adapt it to cat paws.

You may have noticed I keep mentioning flax but haven't made its entry yet, and this is why. I literally learned how to process flax from scratch; and every time I hit a tool that was too advanced for cats, I asked, "Is there a simpler way to do this?"

As an example, there's a step in flax processing where you soften the grass into a workable fiber, and it uses a tool called a Flax Break like this,

And, personally, I think that's a bit too advanced for the vibe I'm going for. So I said to myself, "Ok that's super-duper but CAN I just smash it with a rock"

So I dug deeper and tried to find someone who processed some flax from scratch, you know, like, just in their backyard or something. Went through some blogs and youtube channels focused on neolithic reconstructions of flax processing, and finally, I DID find a person who just. Beat the flax with a hammer, and was still able to scutch+heckle+spin the flax into linen.

But anyway, this process is actually why I'm so reluctant to cite sources in the posts... I already spend days, unpaid, doing this research and it's fun and I really enjoy it, but I can't also vet the social media of every Robert "I Live In The Woods" McGee to make sure they aren't a whackadoodle who thinks the Earth is flat before linking to one part of their blog in a tumblr post. And, knowing bushcrafters, it is probably a fair amount of them

Not even to mention how long the guides, which are meant to be straight-foward, would get if I infodumped every little neat tidbit I came across (I removed like 4 paragraphs of essay material from the flax post already and it's not even halfway done)

But, I do come across lots of really neat resources in my research, especially ones associated with some specific craft, like Ulster Linen who's been spinning flax for 4 generations and has a lot of great education about the history of linen on their site, and ThoughtCo who produces high-quality articles with education on... nearly every topic honestly, but I learned a lot about them for linen processing.

And lastly, when I'm researching bushcraft, I try to start with one of two "types" of searches. Ovens, as an example, "History of Ovens England, History of Ovens Wales" type searches, OR "Ancient Ovens England, Pre-Anglo Ovens Wales, Medieval Ovens, Anglo-Saxon Ovens, Celtic Ovens"

Basically: A "History of Region" search, or a "Timeframe" search to begin with

THEN I go on to "History of Ovens," or "Neolithic Ovens," or jump straight into "Bushcraft Ovens," or even end up following concepts from the first search I did. Personally, I find that first step extremely important because I have a specific region in mind. It gives me a "feeling" for what the early tech is going to look like, including the materials used, and even the sorts of resources they built their tech to process.

On that note, when I finally get around to describing WindClan's oven, you may be really interested to see how they set it up to handle the way they...... hmm. You know what I'll hold onto that one, as a surprise.

I'm going to be collaborating with @mokusai soon to make some instruments for Clan Cats, so I'm going to be looking at a lot of traditional instruments from the area with this method in mind

But anyway there's a walk down my process. I hope this is helpful in some way, I wish I had a Guide To Making Guides but my deep secret is just that I have a messy, curious brain that reads a lot

[seosvm]

CHAPTER ONE: HELLEVATOR.

In the bustling streets of Seoul, i made my way here seven years ago, i have also been a traniee for those seven years. Who would've thought i could feel this much rejection and loneliness. i didn't think it would be this difficult; i didn't know i could be stuck in one place, in one spot for so long.

all it has ever been is me trying to debut with a group but ending up cut out, or like today, i attempted to go in solo, i did my own music, and i was good but not good enough to debut. JYP said i should at least find someone, even one person who wants to debut with me, that i can't do this alone. He said if I get someone he will give us another chance to perform to see if we can debut.

Easier said than done.

No one even talks to me, let alone wants to work with me. I'm a freak here, just like back at home. Why did I think it would be different just because i moved?

I decided to go out for a walk and clear my head.

or at least try to clear my head.

With so much doubt beginning to creep in, i just kept questioning if I should give up on my aspirations. If this was or will be worth it. I feel like maybe It's a sign, maybe I should just quit.

i rubbed my eyes in frustration letting out a sigh.

Can i just get a good sign? Can i get a reason not to quit my dream? i thought to myself.

as I wandered through the city, lost in all my thoughts, not fully paying attention i happened to accidentally collided with someone. I almost fell over but she grabbed my arm to stop the my fall and her drink fell onto my hoodie, then the floor.

shit; i hope shes not too mad I made her lose her drink. i thought.

"Are you alright?" she began, but as soon as I looked up at her, I was struck with awe and couldn't focus on a single word she said.

In that moment, time seemed to stand still as i looked up and found myself captivated by Soojin's presence.

Is it really Seo Soojin? I had heard about her, thought she was stunning when I saw her on TV, but now, seeing her in person, I'm completely mesmerized. Out of all the people, I was fortunate enough to run into her?

She tilted her head slightly and asked, "Hey, are you okay? I'm sorry I ruined your jacket. Let me make it up to you by washing it for you."

Snapping out of my daze, I replied, "No, it's alright, really." I glanced down at the spilled drink in front of us. "...I'm sorry for causing you to lose your drink," I admitted.

She shook her head. "Still, let me make it up to you. I'll get this cleaned for you," she insisted, tugging at my sleeve, indicating she meant my hoodie.

I bit my bottom lip as I pondered. Could this be a sign?

"Well," I began, "what if you make it up to me in a different way?" I suggested, an idea forming in my mind.

She looked at me with confusion. "What way?" she inquired.

"Would you perform with me?" I asked.

"Perform with you? Are you an idol?" she questioned.

For some reason, in that moment, I felt compelled to tell her everything. I shared how long I had been training, how I struggled to debut because no group wanted me or how I would be kicked out right before a group's debut. I poured out my heart about what happened today and how they refused to accept me moving forward, even as a soloist. No matter how hard I worked, how much I tried, or the kind of song or performance I put together, they wouldn't give me a chance. Once I finished speaking, she paused, deep in thought.

"...Would you at least listen to my demo of a song before you say no?" I asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Soojin looked at me, puzzled yet intrigued by my proposal. We found a nearby café, where I nervously played the demo I had prepared. The heartfelt lyrics and the melody that flowed seamlessly through the speakers resonated with Soojin, stirring emotions she couldn't ignore.

I think in that moment she realized that this unexpected encounter was more than just a coincidence, just like me. It was a chance for both of us to fulfill our dreams together. With a newfound determination, Soojin looked at me and said, "Let's do it. Let's debut together as a duo. I believe in you, and I believe in us."

Her words filled me with a surge of excitement and relief. I had been hoping for her support, but hearing her say those words out loud made it all feel real. i had both been chasing this individual dream for so long, but now, it seemed like fate had brought us together for a reason.

As we sat in that cozy café, surrounded by the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, we began to discuss our plans. We knew that the road ahead wouldn't be easy, but we were determined to make it work. We brainstormed ideas for our performance of this song, what parts would be Soojin's and Soojin decided to be the choreographer for the song. we spoke there until the café closed.

As we stepped out of the café, I made up my mind to accompany her home. We engaged in a conversation about how we would commence our practice sessions and her potential inclusion in our group.

"So, have you come up with a name for our group?" she inquired.

"I'm still pondering on that. I never imagined I would reach this point," I chuckled nervously. "Do you have any ideas?" I prompted.

She tapped her chin with her index finger, humming as she contemplated. "Well, since there are two of us, maybe we could incorporate that number into the name to symbolize our unity."

I pondered for a moment before a thought struck me, causing me to halt in my tracks. "What do you think of Twostar?" I asked.

"That's adorable, I like it," she replied, giving me a smile.

Before we could delve into further discussion, we arrived at her house. "This is me," she stated, coming to a stop and turning to face me. "Give me your phone," she added.

She swiftly typed something into my phone, and a ringing sound emanated from hers. She handed my phone back to me. "So now we have each other's phone numbers. Call me in the morning, and we'll start from there," she said. "Also, text me when you get back to your dorm, okay?"

I nodded and responded, "I will, and thank you for this opportunity. I won't let you down."

She smiled at me. "I have a feeling you won't. See you soon," she said.

"See you," I replied as I watched her walk into her house. Once she disappeared inside, I made my way back to my dorm. I sent a text to Soojin and then allowed myself to sink into my bed.

This was real. It wasn't just a dream. I had contemplated leaving everything behind, but now I didn't have to.