#you can tell a ton of love and research went into this thing

[owltypical]

just beat pentiment, current mood

but like, in a good way??

pentiment ruled, go play it

[20dollarlolita]

Quick reminder that you're allowed to have fun.

Back when I cosplayed, I put a ton of effort into cosplays. I did a ton of research, fabric sourcing, learning new construction techniques, trying to get everything to look good and be the perfect thing that I wanted it to be. I wanted to win awards. I wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was.

I got into cosplay because I was in a Twilight cosplay group. We would get together, to go Ross Dress for Less, buy new outfits, get together, go to the park or to the mall, and pretend to be vampires. One of the people in the group had a camera and took pictures, and that was what we did. We didn't make any really good cosplays or any really good photos, but I had so much fun going into the park in the rain wearing a sleeveless dress and pretending that I wasn't freezing, while our Bella cosplayer got to be the only person in a jacket and had to pretend she was miserable.

We weren't a good cosplay group, objectively speaking. We never won awards. We weren't interviewed by blogs. We weren't ever the group that everyone wanted to take pictures of at the convention. I got into doing more cosplay, but a lot of people in that group didn't cosplay outside of that group. A lot of them never cosplayed again, once we all went to college and stopped going to the mall and taking tons of pictures in the food court.

(For everyone who wants to imagine this, this was 2008 and cell phones didn't have cameras that could be dumped onto your computer, so there was several high schoolers pretending to be vampires and one person with a full DSLR with a 300mm zoom lens following them around like the whole grous wasn't a total ball of chaos).

And, you know what? We had fun. It's okay to do things just because it's fun.

With so many professionals posting information on the internet about how they do their craft, it's an amazing time to get into a lot of hobbies. Instead of hoarding information, a ton of hobbyists and professionals alike share their work and techniques and tools freely online. Anyone who wants to can learn how to use the same tools and do the same techniques. I applaud every professional who is taking the time to make resources so that new people can learn how to do things and join in their profession or hobby. Everyone who makes a roller skate tutorial on instagram, everyone who makes an instructable on using a soldering iron, everyone who posted a tiktok about the best way to melt cheese over rice, all those long and pretentious youtube videos about picking the best whiskey to go with the best cigars, videos explaining the bizarreness of Edwardian table manners, you all are amazing. You're sharing this information and enabling new people to learn about something that's important to you. This is really cool. I love you.

But, to everyone who is consuming this media that has been created, and find it intimidating, you're not alone. Someone with a functioning studio who is doing a makeup tutorial in a 4K camera with a high quality ring light and a $89 foundation brush, even sharing their technique freely, can make you feel like you won't have good makeup skills until you also have a ring light and a nice brush. You wanted to build a model of an airplane and looked up a tutorial, and this guy makes it look really easy but he has a double-action airbrush and a fume hood, so you feel like you're not ready to make this model because you don't have the right gear.

I know that this intimidation factor is not something that content creators making tutorials want to be there. I make tutorials and I don't want to intimidate people with a big list of tools and techniques, but I'm sure there's people who wanted to get into lolita fashion and found that my blog was more intimidating than helpful.

So I'm not here to tell content creators to stop making tutorials. The open sharing of information is one of the coolest things about the internet, and I don't want that to change.

But I do want to say something to the person who has watched 160 cake decorating videos in the past week and wanting to try it themselves. I want to say that to someone who has gone through 18 years of jfashion blog archives and wants to build an EGL coordinate. I want to say something to people who've built up an elaborate fictional world and amazing characters in their heads and who wants to share it with someone.

It's okay to do a thing without getting into the hobby. You're allowed to make one cake and decide that it's not for you. You're allowed to take the face off a Monster High doll and not like the process of putting on a new one. You're allowed to assemble one EGL outfit and not want to make a full closet of pieces. You're allowed to write down your story and give it to a friend without ever submitting it to a publisher. You're allowed to paint your DND minis with Apple Barrel acrylics and toothpicks. You're allowed to put on your eyeshadow with the little sponge stick that comes with the $9 palette you got at CVS.

Getting into wood carving is cool, but carving one spoon and then never picking it back up again isn't a failure at getting into a hobby. You made a spoon! That's so cool! You didn't fail to make a spoon just because you didn't make a second one. Building one coordinate and wearing it over and over for conventions and photoshoots isn't a failure to wear the fashion, even if you don't make a whole wardrobe with multiple looks. You can buy a $12 guitar at a yard sale and just play Wonderwall on it on Omegle and have more fun than someone who is dedicated to learning a full set and play professionally in front of people. You can knit a single scarf, hammer together a single planter box, DM a single session of D&D, and then not do it ever again. That's creation, not failure.

And you don't need to research everything and follow tutorials and get it right. You're allowed to experiment and have fun and do it wrong, and you're allowed to guess about the right way to do something. You're allowed to bring your outside perspective into something and try a technique. You're allowed to take experience you have from something and try to cross-apply it to something else. That's two of the ways that new techniques are made! And you're allowed to do something and not like it! You're allowed to do it wrong! You're allowed to give up halfway through and say you'll finish it later, and then never finish it later! You're allowed to bullshit your way through things.

You're allowed to not be serious about things. Throwing a Bridgerton party is probably really fun, but so it putting on cardboard top hats from the dollar store while holding shot glasses over your eyes like monocles and shouting "GOOOOOOOD HEEAAAAAVENS, LAAAAARYYYY," in an exaggerated tone while everyone drinks Old Crow and vows to never buy Swisher Sweets ever again. You're allowed to do things that objectively aren't good, don't showcase skills, don't create something impressive. You're allowed to do these things because they're fun, or because you think they might be fun.

Maybe you like it. Maybe you don't. But you don't need to commit to doing things like the professionals in order to find legitimacy in a thing you attempt. Your attempt is legitimate. Go try the thing.

And if you don't like it, your attempt was still legitimate. Good job trying the thing.

[kurogxrix]

ATWOW characters as parents HEADCANONS ;

- neteyam, lo’ak, norm, kiri, ao’nung, rotxo, + tsu’tey

[ All characters aged!up for plot purposes! ]

Lo’ak

Where to even start.

Pray for that baby’s safety cause damn it’s boutta get wild.

He brings your children on his Ikran every time he gets the opportunity to.

Lo’ak loves to show off and showing off to your children is not an exception.

Does cartwheels in the air while your children are with him.

That earns him a good scolding and probably some ear pulling with it too.

Reassures his children that they’re enough. we love him 4 that.

Goes to Neytiri and Jake for advice sometimes.

Once he made you really upset and borderline doubting yourself as a mother after he had said something and he has never hated himself more in that moment.

He went to ask Neytiri how to make things better.

Asked your kids to help him do something to make you feel better.

You lowkey only forgave him cause your children were in the plan and you didn’t wanna disappoint them.

After that he made sure to hold you tightly at night and reminds you how much of an incredible mother you are everyday.

He’s so smitten for his family it’s insane.

The kind of dad that will put his children up on his shoulders and he spins them around.

It’s all happy and joyful until they’re both dizzy and he ends up with puke all over him. That’s what he gets for spinning a toddler over his head.

The type of dad to furrow his eyebrows at your kids when they don’t finish their food (your son literally told you to add more food to his bowl after you warned him that it was a lot).

Neteyam

The chill parent.

He will scold your children when they disobey but i dont see him as the yelling type.

When he gets really angry then he’s a real scary father. But other than that your children all adore him.

loves being his kid’s ‘hero’.

Like when they get their limbs stuck in the fabric of the tents and he goes to unlatch them.

A stressed and tired dad i can just tell.

Makes toys for his children himself because he wants them to be special.

He prolly makes dinner but the kids don’t like it (L for him)

You take up the cooking after his miserably failed attempts at making food. He’s slightly jealous when he watches your kid’s delighted faces at you cooking.

Stays so close to them when you all go swimming at the lake.

Like the water could be at waist level for them and he’d still accompany them.

Lets his children paint on his warrior body paint and he’s lowkey regretting afterwards.

You cant help but make fun of him and your children join in too.

Jokingly sulks after y’all laughed at him.

So now you all owe him a shit ton of kisses.

‘I’m doing this for your own good’ kind of dad, in the least toxic way possible.

Norm

Cutest thing would be you being a na’vi from the omaticaya falling in love with him despite being an avatar.

Lets say his avatar is still alive and well.

It’s kinda hard for him to maintain his family life and head of the avatar program life at the same time.

He pushes through for y’all though.

He cuddles with you and your children in your family tent at night while he wakes up in his human form to take care of himself and the program.

His kids and Jake and Neytiri’s kids are besties.

Takes his children to the lab with him to show them his research.

Loves the way they’re so enamored about his research until they start touching everything.

Has to restrict them at some point.

He can’t get himself to yell at them.

The type of dad to put his children on his shoulder when they can’t see something amongst the crowd.

He’s such a good dad.

He has the dad drip full on. We’re talking a large shirt with cargo shorts and sandals. In his avatar form or human form it doesn’t matter, he’s always rocking the dad drip.

Passes his awkwardness to his kids but you find it endearing.

You love how shy he was when he met you, and you love that you can see that in your children.

He would’ve never expected that he would’ve been here, mated with children but damn Eywa really has plans for everyone.

Brings your kids something back everytime he goes on an exploration.

He shows them the godly privilege of netflix. Doesn’t tell them that it’s on child mode because he fears rebellious teenagers help.

Doesn’t wanna taint them with some human internet bullshit so he never tells them about the web lmao.

Kiri

She’s so cute honestly.

The both of you chose to adopt an metkayina baby that has lost her parents.

You want to teach your daughter in the future that it’s okay to be different, and even if the both of you are look different to her then you’ll always love her.

She amazes your child with her pandora jesus powers.

You’re badass cause I said so and you teach your daughter to stick up for herself.

You’d probably beef with your child’s bullies and Kiri will scold you for acting so brashly.

Will bring your daughter on a walk in the forest every evening.

Kiri relishes in your sweet daughter’s loud laughter when she attracts wild animals to her.

Ao’nung

HES A MENACE BYE.

He’ll be the type of dad to pull lightly on his children’s tails and then look away as they wonder who did it.

you fear letting them too long with their dads cuz you’re scared that they’re gonna turn out as little bullies like he was.

but it’s their dad so you can’t really keep them away. should’ve just chosen a better mate bae🙁

The type of dad that will hold their baby upside down by the foot while they’re literally screeching in joy.

He’s kinda harsh on olo’eyktan training once your son gets older.

You however take your sweet time while teaching you daughter the ways of Tsahik.

sometimes you gotta remind Ao’nung to calm down lmao.

He doesn’t want his son to hate him or his duties so he eventually does and instead tries and make training sessions more like a fun bonding time between the both men.

He makes dad jokes you cant tell me otherwise.

PROTECTIVE DAD!!!

Every teen in the clan is scared to approach your children (romantically) because of Ao’nung’s wrath.

When one boy finally got the guts to ask your daughter out and she said yes, he was finna flip his shit fr.

You had to PHYSICALLY hold him down as you watched your daughter leave on a date with the man.

He knows that he shouldn’t actually hold his children back from having a romantic life, so instead he chooses to tease them about it.

‘Saw that boy giving you googly eyes yesterday, heard from some rumors that he happens to be dating the olo’eyktan’s daughter?’

‘heard you sneaking out the marui last night son, you really should work on your sneakiness.”

The type of dad that WILL swear at your children but like fondly? like;

Your son and him are playing fight in your marui at night when he has the amazing idea to tickle his father.

‘Oh you little bitch, it’s on,”

Then he gets scolded by you and potentially his ear pulled as you do so but oh well it was worth it.

Brags to his spirit brother about his children.

doesn’t wanna admit but he secretly loves it when you all just cuddle up to him during cool nights. Then pretends to be annoyed by im later in the morning.

You all know he’s capping.

Rotxo

sweetest dad in all of awa’atlu.

The metkayina woman are probably jealous of your baby daddy I ain’t even gon’ lie to you.

He loves burping your child for some reason.

I headcanon him as someone that has grown up with only girls. Like full on just sisters and their mother so when his first child is born a son he can’t help but be ecstatic at the newborn male company.

He physically cannot scold your children so you have to do it yourself.

Makes you look like the bad cop.

He spoils your children a little too much.

Like they wanna try akula meat? damn just wait a min for him to call up his skimwing-

Your children have a fav parent and it’s clearly him.

They still love you though.

Rotxo’s always here to remind you how much he’s grateful for the family that you gave him.

Brings his children to meet his spirit brother as soon as they can enter the water with you.

bonus: Tsu’tey

He lowkey has beef with his baby.

will have staring battles with it.

They both fight to see who can get more affection from you but we all know the cute baby is gonna win.

Hes deadass gonna sulk i aint even lying.

He’s not the ‘awww ur so cute’ kind of father but the ‘you’re not ugly’ kinda dad but we all know he loves his baby.

When his children grow up he will be strict on them there’s no denying.

At this point he kind sounds like a bad father but he isn’t (at times).

He shows his love through words of affirmation.

Reminds his children that he’s proud of them when they achieve something, or sometimes just in general.

He wont go easy on their potential mates. Like he'll lowkey show them what hell is.

HE CANT KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS. after you both have had your first child together he’s just 100x more affiliated with you than he was before.

not to say that he didn’t love you before, on Eywa my man was a goner. There’s just something about motherhood that made you shine much more than before.

You’ll probs end up with like 5-6 children.

-

for a hoe that claims to dislike children i do be writing a shit ton of family things huh (it’s cuz i love dilfs 🫶🏽)

[pagannatural]

2.10 Hunted

-direct continuation from Croatoan. Sam was waiting for Dean to tell him what it was John said about him before dying. Sam looked really fearful.

-Dean is scared too. This time the camera focuses on him as he begins, “he said that he…wanted me to watch out for you” and his voice trembles as he continues, saying John asked him to take care of Sam, and save him.

Sam doesn’t understand at first. John said this kind of thing all the time, and Dean has been watching out for/caring for/saving Sam their whole lives, but Dean’s demeanor doesn’t match up with what he’s saying. When Dean finally gets to the point, which is that if he can’t save Sam, John said he’d have to kill him, Sam looks so deeply shocked and hurt and upset. It’s like his brain is both seizing upon and rejecting this information. Seizing on it because there’s a part of him that’s thinking I knew it, I knew something was wrong with me and rejecting it because it’s coming out of his older brother’s mouth.

It’s wild that Sam at no point this episode seems to question Dean’s loyalty to him. There’s a little seed of fear inside him that Dean will think he’s a monster, but he just came off a job in which Dean proved to him again that he will listen to and value Sam, not to mention choose Sam over everything else including his own life.

-Dean keeps looking down. He’s ashamed that he’s even saying this. He says “he said I might have to kill you, Sammy” like he’s pleading for Sam’s help. Sam is usually there for him when he’s scared or upset. This is the very first time Dean is saying this out loud and he’s feeling how awful and unfair that was for their dad to put on him.

-John also made Dean promise to keep this from Sam. He probably thought that was for the best for some reason but it belies his complete misunderstanding of his sons as people and as brothers that he thinks 1) Dean would be able to keep it from Sam and 2) that they’re better off not working together. There is just no way Dean could handle this on his own, he needs Sam.

-Sam gets angry. I don’t even think he’s actually angry, it’s more like he’s freaking out and it presents as anger. His fear that he’s not pure is not only becoming a real threat, but also one that caused his father to ask the one person he trusts in the world to kill him if necessary. Sam thought he and John were at least somewhat on the same page when he died.

-Sam switches to need-more-info mode, which is just so deeply Sam. Knowledge makes him feel in control and one of his deepest drives as a character is the Need to Understand. He needs to understand monsters, what makes them bad, what bad even means, why his family hunts them, what’s going on inside of himself, what Dean is thinking and feeling.

The one area that he doesn’t push or poke and seems, later this season, to actually want to protect himself from, is the nature of his and Dean’s connection. I want to assume that he did a ton of research on incest taboos while he was in high school or at Stanford, but the way he avoids understanding makes me think that it’s at the root of his shame and he’s built himself a wall around it just like the one he’d built against Dean himself in s1. The reason so much of Sam’s arc was about letting Dean in again was because his trust in Dean’s love was rattled when he went to college—Sam didn’t know how badly Dean wanted to get back together with him. Now he trusts that Dean loves him, but not that he can save him.

-Dean says he wants to “lay low” because “then I can make sure—“ and Sam cuts him off: “what? That I don’t turn evil?” When Sam says sarcastically “maybe you will have to waste me” Dean yells at him “I never said that.”

It’s the first time Dean raises his voice in the conversation. His anger seems to come from being misunderstood rather than being confronted about something true. Dean can’t imagine Sam becoming evil. I think Dean was about to say “Then I can make sure nothing happens to you” or something. He doesn’t seem like he’s actually angry either, just like he’s terrified and he’s trying to take control of a situation outside of his grasp.

-Dean begs Sam for “time to figure this out.” He says please four times. It quiets Sam. I wonder if Dean has spoken to Sam like that in the past, if he used to get Sammy to let him stitch him up by asking him to please just let him disinfect it or to please just count to 20 and it’ll be over.

-Sam runs off on his own, which is such an *interesting response since he has been running away from home since he was an adolescent. He is not one to spook easy or to look away when things get tough, but he hates feeling like he’s the problem.

*link for any curious psych nerds. runaways are more likely to have a single parent, have a negative relationship with parents, have been exposed to violence, and have a mental illness (most often depression). Sounds like Sam.

He runs away to investigate on his own for a few reasons. He’s afraid of himself and of what’s going to happen to him and he needs some control over the situation. He’s probably also noticing that this is tearing Dean up inside and he doesn’t want Dean to save him, he wants to fix it himself. If he can fix it, he can fix what’s wrong with him. He doesn’t really think Dean can do that for him, which is sort of true and sort of false. They have to do it together.

Whatever is up with Sam is and always has been intimately and inherently connected to Dean and the brothers’ love. There’s their destiny as vessels, and their love ultimately saving the world, but it’s also their bond itself. The demon caused the fire, so the demon blood in a way is responsible for delivering baby Sammy into Dean’s arms and their incestuous codependent relationship. (And I’m treating their relationship as incestuous regardless of what physically has or hasn’t happened.)

-So Sam leaves. When he goes to Ellen’s bar, Ellen tells him that Jo left to become a hunter and that Ellen told her “not under my roof.” It parallels Sam’s decision to leave for Stanford. Ellen tells him it’s not his fault, which he seems affected by. He thinks things are his fault because he’s impure. He probably thinks his and Dean’s feelings are his fault for the same reason.

-Ellen tells Sam that Dean has been calling asking about him, “worried sick.” When Sam leaves she’s like You know I have to call your brother and let him know you’re safe right?

It’s exactly what a parent would say to a runaway kid about calling their mom.

-Sam basically tells Ellen that Dean can’t protect him from who he is. He doesn’t believe Dean can save him and he will ultimately need to have faith that Dean can save him in s5.

-How does Sam have money for all this? He must be helping Dean with the hustling by now.

-Sam pockets some of Scott’s prescription meds, to use or to sell or both.

-Dean asks about Sam unprompted as soon as Ellen calls him. When he tracks Sam and spots him through the motel window he says out loud “thank god you’re okay” and then sees Ava and says “oh you’re better than okay” and smiles and I think it’s cute that Dean still thinks Sam is interested in anyone other than him.

-Gordon shoots at Sam. Dean beats Gordon up and says “you do that to my brother I’ll kill you” but Gordon hits him on the head with his very large gun (a rifle? I don’t know guns) and knocks him out cold. Dean feels strongly about not killing people except when it comes to protecting Sam then it’s totally fine.

-Sam finds and identifies the bullet shells and calls Dean for help and Ava is like Who are you?? and Sam says “my brother” like five times. It’s so fun seeing her perspective on Sam, who she thinks is crazy and probably dangerous because of his knowledge and the fact that he and his brother have a code word specifically for when one of them is being held at gun point. Dean sees Sam as his beautiful cutie pie lil guy who he is so proud of, and outsiders see Sam as the danger to society that he is.

-Sam says “harms way doesn’t really bother me” and when Ava says This is how you die! he says “doesn’t matter. It’s my brother.” Sam is bananas. It’s good for the viewer to be reminded of this fact often.

-Dean mostly keeps it together when Gordon is talking about killing Sam, because he’s trying to find a way to save Sam even now. Screen caps of his expressions don’t really do his scenes justice because his lips tremble, and you can see him breathing shakily, and glancing around, or flinching slightly. His dread is palpable. The sick, terrible desperation in Dean’s entire body when he thinks Sam is about to be and then thinks Sam is being killed by a grenade is hard to watch.

-Incidentally this is how ptsd commonly happens. Dean is usually able to act on his fight or flight response and fight/kill the threat, but here he’s tied up and can do nothing. So this would be particularly hard for him to deal with in the coming months/years. I can’t recall if the show explores that, I guess we’ll see.

-Gordon says “your brother thinks you’re some kind of saint.” Again with the outsider perspectives here. Dean sees Sam as the most precious, good, important thing in the world and Gordon sees him as weird and soft and obsessed with his brother (gay?).

-Gordon says “show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy” and Sam says “it’s Sam” before knocking him out. I love this callback to Bloodlust where Sam says Dean is the only one allowed to call him Sammy.

-Sam goes to Dean wearily and puts a hand on his shoulder. It’s almost casual, establishing contact by touching, letting Dean know he’s there. Dean could hear Sam fighting with Gordon, so he knew he was alive, but he needs to touch Sam and look into his eyes to really know he’s alive and okay. Sam helps Dean get untied and Dean ends up pulling Sam to his feet as he unties Dean’s ankles.

When Dean holds Sam’s face in his hands, his thumbs just under his jaw, Sam tilts his head back tiredly, exposing his throat. He responds like it’s a matter of course that Dean will cradle his face, like he’s done it many times before when Sam was smaller and had to tilt his head back to look up at Dean.

What is it with Dean and Sam’s neck and throat? It’s an intimate part of the body to be looking at and touching so often, but unique in that it’s not explicitly sexual. It just feels sexual.

Sam puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder again, wordlessly confirming that yes, he is okay, so Dean breaks away to kill Gordon like he said he would.

-When Sam realizes this is Dean’s aim, he tells Dean not to and pulls him away by the collar of his jacket. It’s very guard dog/master.

-Dean calls Sam a “fine upstanding citizen” for getting Gordon arrested and Sam smiles prettily.

-Sam is so cute waiting in the car while Dean yells at Ellen on the phone about how Gordon tracked Sam by talking to hunters at her bar. Mom is so mad the bully picked on his kid, and the bully is in detention but that’s not enough he wants to talk to a parent about this.

-In the car Dean warns Sam “dude, if you ever run off like that again—“

“What? You’ll kill me?” Sam jokes.

It’s nice they can joke like this about past arguments. Couples who know how to fight are more likely to stay married.

-Dean says they should go to Amsterdam (implying that he wants them to forget their worries and get fucking blazed together) and Sam does that thing where he grins and licks his lips at him. But he says he’s not just gonna ditch the job and Dean says “screw the job.” Sam tells Dean “you’re a hunter, it’s what you were meant to do.” John and Gordon have said this same thing, but I think the difference is that they meant Dean was born to kill and Sam thinks he was born to rescue. It shows the level of admiration that Sam has for Dean, thinking that he’s doing what he was born to do. You only think that of people who are very, very talented. Personally I think Dean was bred to be a hunter and would’ve been a firefighter or an ER nurse or something (wait what did Jess dress up as for Halloween? wait), but he was born to be Sam’s big brother.

Sam never felt a calling to do anything in particular, as far as I’ve gotten in the show. He’s really good at getting people to talk and convincing them of things and doing research, so lawyer fits, but he’s also said he never fit in at Stanford. When he has a normal life in s8 he works in maintenance. He must have felt so out of place as a teenager thinking Dean had found his destiny, and that it wasn’t right for Sam.

-Dean says he doesn’t believe in destiny, meaning he believes in Sam staying good. Sam tells Dean “you can’t protect me.” Dean says “I can try” and Sam thanks him. He feels loved by Dean.

-They do their Bitch/Jerk bit and Sam grins. They must have missed each other, they’re so flirty and excited to be together again.

-Sam calls Ava again and Dean looks at him suggestively and asks if Sam is sweet on her. Sam says “she’s engaged, Dean” and Dean says “so?” Okay cool so Sam being engaged would not have been an issue for Dean it really was just the blood relative thing. Cool.

-Sam chooses both Dean and hunting. Running off on his own put him at risk which puts Dean at risk, and Dean agrees to be together on Sam’s terms rather than laying low.

[bonesbuckleup]

Hi, random q. I saw in your tags that you swear by Scrivener for original fic. I’m still plugging away in ye olde Word and now I’m intrigued to know what about Scrivener you like so much. I’ve def heard about it but never used it, so I’m curious :)

YES I would love to tell you about my lord and savior software Scrivener. I hope you don't mind I published this long, long answer publicly.

So. The main issue I have with Word and Google Docs is that you hit a certain length/word count, and it starts to lag and load kind of jerkily. You know? Also, navigating chapter to chapter or scene to scene is awkward for me--you either have to have a whole bunch of individual documents and multiple windows open, or you have to use headers and the table of contents...which is fine for quickly finding chapters but less so for scenes within those chapters.

Messy, basically. Does not spark joy for me.

Enter Scrivener.

Now, before I evangelize a bit, I will say that Windows Scrivener and Mac Scrivener are not 100% created equal. They are both better, I think, than Word or Google docs, but the Mac version is a bit slicker and a little nicer to look at. I only say that for if you're using Windows, because if so my screencaps below won't exactly match what you see if/when you download the program.

ONWARD.

So, the #1 thing that Scrivener has over Word is that it's a one time fee, not a subscription. So while it is a little pricey (Just went and looked, $59.99 USD), it's only the one payment. All updates and such are covered and available as free downloads. I will also say that Scrivener gives you a 30 day free trial. That's not 30 consecutive days, but 30 days of use--if you only use it every other day, you'll have the trial for 60 days. They make it really easy to figure out if it's for you or not.

This is also going to feel like a lot, but there are built in tutorials and it's actually pretty intuitive, depending on how your brain works. Anyway! The basic gist of Scrivener is that it's a digital binder. You can keep all your book stuff in one place:

As you can see, there's the manuscript (aka my book), notes, research, more. Tbh, I mostly just use notes and Manuscript, but if it floats your boat, you can store maps, place names, worldbuilding, playlist links, moodboards, a whole ton of stuff, all in one menu that's easy to access and in a single window. You can organize it however itches your brain the best way.

But like I said, for me, the best is that Manuscript part, which I'm going to go into now. I use a three act structure for books (but break the big ol' middle act into two pieces because it makes my brain happy), so each act gets a folder.

When I click and expand that act, each chapter has it's own folder. However, it also shows quick-reference index cards, so I can have an at-a-glance at what's going down in each chapter. (I'm using a outline system called Save the Cat for this book, which is why all my chapters have titles like 'Catalyst', feel free to ignore those...I also have a very compact timeline, so to help me stay organized, I labeled each chapter with when it happens.)

You can do the same with each individual chapter and the scenes, where when you click on the chapter folder, each scene gets a card. If you don't type in a summary, it'll just auto-populate the start of whatever content you were writing. You can see this in the 'Copper's Candids NEW' card.

And, of course, it is writing software. When you click on the individual scene, it opens the blank document, and you can get cracking.

So. This system is nice for a few reasons. My favorite is that it makes navigating, reorganizing, and/or rewriting scenes extremely easy. It's just point and click, drag and drop. You can also open two docs in the same window at once, like this:

Which is a nice feature for several reasons--you can work on a new version of a scene with the old one pulled up next to it, or if there's something you wrote earlier or that comes later that's important to what you're working on now, you can have them both up for quick referencing.

Another slick thing is each doc has a notes section off to the right side of the screen--which is optional! I use it for future revision notes/descriptions of how I want the scene to go:

My other favorite part of Scrivener is that it makes it very easy to hoard your deleted scenes like a deranged dragon in case you want them later. My garbage looks like this:

There are SO MANY FILES hanging out in my trash, and you know what? I so rarely actually need them, but my god am I glad they're there on the rare occasion that I do. Word, again, can make it more difficult. I always had a massive 'cut' document that was longer than the actual project and again, awful to navigate. This just makes it easier.

Scrivener also makes it easy to compile the manuscript into other doc types--pdf, doc, docx, etc--for easy printing and sharing.

ANYWAY. I'm sure there are approximately 1 million other things I'm missing, but basically Scrivener takes all your book/long project bits, puts them in one centralized file, and makes it super easy to navigate. I've also found that outlining is easier, because I can just make the folders and scenes and drag them around while I noodle through the plot.

10/10, would recommend to any long-form writer. If you have any other questions, please let me know! If anyone has read this far and has a thing about Scrivener to add, please do! I love Scrivener, and a lot of my writing buddies love Scrivener, and it really kinda has revolutionized the way I write original fiction. I'm always happy to yell about how great it is.

[demontobee]

Autism and Invalidation

I just can’t believe how QUICK people are to invalidate your experience. Which is why it is so important to learn to love and validate yourself.

I was diagnosed with autism earlier last year, because I had done tons of research on the topic and I had gone through the arduous process of finding a place to get the assessment done. During this process, I constantly doubted myself, and I went through loops and loops of feeling like an impostor but also the need to get answers. The assessment process itself was hard on my self-confidence as well, since I felt weird and out-of-place as an afab person assessed by the white male boy standards of autism research. Nevertheless, I got my diagnosis after weeks of filling out questionnaires and feeling uncomfortable in interviews. Having a formal diagnosis relieved me to some extent, but it has not yet cured me from self-doubt and the feeling of shame that washes over me at the thought of feigning it just to get attention, to belong somewhere, to have answers. Since I got the diagnosis, I have made huge changes in my life, which has been wonderful and terrifying at once, and I’ve had more meltdowns than I can count. And I should be proud. I have managed to overcome hurdles like my life-long comfort zone, I am trying to set boundaries and I want to find out what really makes me happy, what I was made for.

And it is exactly this achievement that makes other people doubt the validity of my experience as an autistic person.

My current therapist, who has no specific expertise in autism (especially not in afab queer autistic beans), told me last week that she thinks I was misdiagnosed. Why? Because I am able to handle change so well, because I am a very reflected person who knows exactly what their problems are and how I am harming myself, because I am able to think critically about my parents and the way they raised and treated me. An autistic person, it seems, would not be able to so that.

Bullshit.

You know how I am able to do all these things that she apparently thinks are reserved for neurotypical people? I have been teaching myself, in an ongoing and nerve-wrecking process, how to handle change. I have been working on loving myself and respecting myself enough to want to make changes that benefit me and my well-being. Setting boundaries is a hard and heart-breaking process for me. It doesn’t come naturally to me and I often feel lonely or guilty. For as long as I can remember, my mind has been going round and round reflecting on my actions, other people’s reactions, normal behavior and so on. Reflecting for me is not a skill that proves how “normal” I am, it is a survival strategy. And it is about time I put it to good use instead of fueling my anxiety and my self-criticism with it.

Just because you are developing skills that help you learn to love and validate yourself does not mean your experience as an autistic person is not valid. Formally diagnose or not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[thelikesoffinn]

Hello Finn! You said you'd give advice for fanfiction, I think and I'm a bit desperate so I hope you can help me!

A follower asked me to write about Tav killing herself to be free from ascended Astarion and I have a lot of trouble with writing his reaction because I really don't know how he'd react to that???? It's stressig me out so much pls help me

Hello there, petal!

I think this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a while, I'm so sorry. I haven't been on top of it lately. (But I'm getting to it, I swear! I know a few people are still asking why I hate Astarions reaction to Tav's romp with Mizora and I'll definitely get to that, do not fret!)

But anyway, let's see how I can help, shall we? I did a bit of research and watched a ton of ascended Astarion content so that I could actually give you proper advice and ohhh boy, when I tell you that I've had clients like him before...blegh. But, as always, do take it with a grain of salt because I'm no expert. Just a social worker with a lot of time to watch vampire videos, apparently, haha.

So, to recap: Your Tav committs suicide in order to escape from ascended Astarions grasp. And I guess he only finds out after, seeing as you need his reaction, yes?

I can see why that would be stressful, but it's probably less because you really don't know how he'd react and more because there's a disconnect between the reaction he'd actually have and the reaction we all want.

As both a writer and a reader I'm not ashamed to admit that I'd want him to suffer. I'd want him to realise all his faults and where he went wrong and I'd want him to cry because he fucked it all up, so much so that he's now lost the one person that loved him despite everything he has done.

But with ascended Astarion, I don't think a reaction like that would be very likely. True vampires are a bit difficult when it comes to things like guilt and shame and loss, as in they don't really seem to take it the way normal people would.

Or, rather: They can't react to them the same way normal people would.

Where a normal person would go through an entire circle of mourning, a true vampire is probably going to throw a tantrum and create a demiplane that he can sulk in. (Looking at you, Strahd.)

Instead of sadness, It's very likely that he'd react with anger. A LOT of anger. The anger likely won't be self-directed - at most a little annoyance because he didn't lock them up harder and more securely - but it will most definitely be directed at Tav.

I don't think I need to explain that while ascended Astarion does not really love Tav anymore he does want them.

Tav is his. Their entire being belongs to just him. Only he get's to decide when and if they're allowed to die. They're his to destroy and his alone. So how dare they kill themself without his permission? How dare they take away what's rightfully his!?

And just as anger replaces sadness, it's very likely that blame overshadows guilt and shame. So he doesn't feel shame over how he treated Tav. He doesn't feel guilt over how he drove them to suicide. No, instead he blames Tav for their decision because they're spoiled and unthankful.

He is not the problem, they are. He gave them everything. Everything one could ever want, they had. He game them power. He gave them wealth. A palace. A life filled with all sorts of pleasure, right by his side. He granted them eternal fucking life. What more could they want? What more could anyone want? He did everything for them, and they threw it right back at him like a spoiled little brat. He should've been sterner, should've kept them on a tighter leash. Should have showed them his bad side so that they'd learn what staying on his good side meant.

The only thing he'd probably actually feel is loss, but once again... it'd be different. It's probably less the gut-wrenching feeling of loneliness that suddenly haunts you when you remember that you won't ever get to speak to someone again because they're no longer here and more the upset of loosing a beloved item. So more of a 'fucking hell that was my favourite fucking thing and now it's gone'. There'd probably be some despair in there because he can't simply replace Tav but that despair is, once again, likely tied to his possessiveness and not to true loss. He'd be desperate because he wants them - he wants them - but not because he's just lost the one he loves.

That's probably the reaction I'd expect of ascended Astarion and, as you can tell: It's not what one would expect of a fanfiction, yes? We'd expect the heartbreak and the sorrow, the guilt and the tears because we love Astarion and Astarion is supposed to love Tav. We want him to love Tav. And those who like him ascended want him to love Tav even as his ascended self.

Now, does that mean the reaction I described wouldn't make a good stroy? Absolutely not! In fact, I do believe it would be a nice switch up in between the very heavily romanticised ascended-fics because it adds that shot of realism. (As much realism as a high-elf-vampire can have, at least.)

So, what I'm trying to say is: Don't worry too much about what is "correct" and what isn't and instead focus on what you want to achieve. If you want to hit your readers with the sad truth of ascended Astarion, maybe go for the approach I described. And if you want to be a bit softer and more romantic, have the boy cry tears of woe.

Or you could go totally crazy and do both things - have someone watch him and describe how they see it - the points I just mentioned - but once you describe what's happening inside him, go full on romance novel and break our hearts!

Find your own path, petal, I'm sure it will be a lovely read either way!

[darkleysgarden]

Into The Alters

A Total Drama Analysis

INTRODUCTION

I have been obsessed with the whole system. I love them all sm. And because of this, I had to analyze them ofc. That's what I always do. I'll start with more general things and then deep dive into the alters and how they formed.

Disclaimer: I do not have DID, nor do I claim to know everything about the condition. I have done my best to try and learn about it and be as accurate as possible. If I make any mistakes or use incorrect terms, please tell me! I'm trying my best and genuinely hope to improve. Tyty.

WARNINGS: I will discuss ableism, child abuse, sexual abuse, overall trauma, potential murder/crimes, and other Total Drama typical things.

Also, whenever I say 'they' or 'them', I'm referring to all the alters or multiple of them.

OVERALL VIEW OF THE SYSTEM

DID often forms from trauma, and this system clearly did form that way. I'll get into it more on the alters individual parts, but the way they act and the roles they take on help prove that their pasts were very traumatic.

What is the goal of them going on Total Drama?: I believe that the goal is to move out. I rewatched it recently, and I remember no mention of the bodies parents, no mention of their pasts other than hints at juvie, nothing. But, Nico, how can you say that it's specifically to move out? Throughout the seasons, it's hinted at that Mike knows little about TD. He's heard of it. He knows general things. Yet, he doesn't understand more niche callbacks. Most of the new cast mentions being huge fans or watching the series before. Mike, to my memory, doesn't. Mike never points out his goal for the million dollars, and the last thing he wants is fame. He even goes against his psychiatrists wishes of going on the show. Why is a million dollars so important to get? To move out. The DID formed from something, right? The most obvious way to form would be because of parents or guardians. And if you don't believe me yet, the only reference as to what they will do with the money is by Mal. Mal says he wants to use the money to live out his life his way in a tower of his own. AKA, he's using the money to move into a new place and gain free will. And I'll go deeper into that in a moment.

EDIT: I just found out that it's basically canon that they were using it to move out. The Fresh TV official blog confirmed that Mike and Zoey moved in together shortly after All Stars. Obviously they would have used the money to do so.

Overall, what I am saying here is that they have a bad home life and are going onto Total Drama to escape that. Both while the show runs and when they win. They even went on two seasons even though the first was stressful enough and they weren't having a great time. When people come back, they have a reason that they detail. Fame or fortune. We never get that from Mike. Because it's personal. It's personal and not something he is willing to share on international TV.

WHAT DOES THE RESET BUTTON DO?

After much research, the reset button does not seem possible to me and I have a new theory on what it actually did.

Via my research, I could be wrong, you cannot get rid of DID entirely. Alters can not be killed. To get rid of Mal would have required Mal to comply with it, and Mal was not complying.

Integration is possible. Parts can be erased. Though, in the end, Mal would come back like seen in the show. He can not be entirely erased because that's just not how DID works. Even integration, forced dormancy, and letting go of alters would take a ton of work and time. Getting rid of Mal would be hard and would be one thing. But to erase all of them and get rid of DID entirely? It's impossible from what I've seen. It's hard to erase a single alter, especially if they don't want to go like Mal. Usually, they leave by decision or go into dormancy on their own. And it seems that usually, if an old alter is erased, a new alter usually will form that is very similar to the old one.

Alternative theory: What do I really think the reset button did? Dormancy.

This would be hard, but not impossible. Like I said before, it's a choice that leads to dormancy and erasure. Aside from Mal, they were all on board with the decision. They would be able to put themselves into hiding in the meantime while Mike sorts his life out. All 5 of them would likely be able to force Mal into dormancy together, especially considering that we know they did it before.

"But Chester directly told us that-"

Chester is not reliable at all. Nobody else knew what it did. They were operating off of what he told them. Chester is shown to have shit memory and not know what he's talking about. He could have easily not explained the button entirely correctly.

I believe that once the show is over, Mike moves out, things settle down, the alters will slowly come out of dormancy as it feels right.

This is probably me being in denial that they're gone, but idc.

SVETLANA

Omg, Svetlana. I am her biggest fan !!!!!

Sorry.

Anyway. I suspect Svetlana is a fictive. Actually, my boyfriend came up with that. I'm stealing it from him. Ask him for more details. Idrk the details.

Basically, Svetlana is extremely detailed. She holds information and memories that seem to have come from outside of the systems experiences. She is too detailed to be a randomly formed alter.

How did she form?: So, I believe the character was off of a book character? I WASN'T THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THIS PART. I bet you're thinking, why aren't you researching this? I'm ranting to myself rn okay. I'm just also putting it on the internet for funsies. I'm operating off memory rn. All my research has been done off random questions I've had while pacing around my room at 3AM.

UPDATE: we've changed our minds. There's an Olympic Russian gymnast named Svetlana who has won TONS of awards and holds common references with her. She was also actively competing at the time Mike would have been a kid. So he could have been watching her and wanted to copy her acts. Svetlana Khorkina, if you're interested

Anyway. Young Mike is experimenting with himself. Because that's what every kid does. This doesn't necessarily mean that he's LGBTQ or anything. A boy can try on dresses without that being the case. People experiment with their identity, especially at a young age.

However, people don't like that. Because people are bitches fsr. Idk. And I already speculated before that the bodies' parents aren't great. An alter is forming off a book character he found relatable. The character being female is part of what gave him this interest in looking at feminine stuff. Yet, he got in trouble for it. In that situation, Svetlana would form off of the character, making her a fictive. Yet, she has also become a protector. She is now there to protect the physical aspect of the body. She's the one who works out with her gymnastics. She probably does skin care and that stuff. She knows how to get dressed well. She is there to protect the physical aspect and keep the body healthy.

And she won't fail to defend them from anybody who dislikes a boy wearing makeup or anything of the sorts. Those gymnastics muscles aren't fake bro.

Age speculation: so I don't feel like researching the book more. In fact, I can't even remember if it was a book. So I'm basing this entirely off of canon.

I think she is 14 or so. Though, with her, I can see a lot of fluctuation. I used to think she was more in her 20s. But, I think it makes much more sense for her to be a young teenager. Also, just saying this now, but my age headcanons are just headcanons. So, if I don't work with your ships, you can move them to a degree as long as it isn't weird. JUST DONT MOVE MANITOBA OR VITO MUCH AND ILL GET INTO THAT.

Back to Svetlana, though, she acts a lot like a young teenage girl. We know she has participated in many gymnastics events, and I feel like she wouldn't be so active in doing them if she didn't feel comfortable with the age group, if it wasn't very similar to her own. Which leads me to somewhere teenage. And then idk if it requires an explanation, but she gives 14 year old girl energy.

Also, I have a random silly hc that Svetlana was the only girl that could beat Skye in gymnastics. Svetlana had to participate somewhere, and they're both Canadian and probably would end up at the same competitions. There may be proof to disprove this, but all I've seen is "but the body is male," but Svetlana wouldn't participate in boys' competitions, and maybe people just aren't transphobic. Idk. SVETLANA HAS A TON OF AWARDS IN CANON. SHE ISN'T JUST SAYING THAT. IT'S IN THEIR ROOM. Sorry, I'm off topic.

MANITOBA

Another one of my favorites and another fictive WOOHOO.

So the creators, from what I've seen, have said Manitoba was based on Indiana Jones. And then they took Australian aspects from two non-fictional people.

That's why I've decided to call Manitoba and Indiana Jones fictive.

Formation: Nothing huge to this one. I believe Manitoba formed mostly off comfort. Indiana Jones was a comfort character. A cool explorer who could get out of any situation (I think. Admittedly, I've never actually watched it.)

We see constantly that Manitoba fronts specifically during tough situations that are hard to get out of. He's smarter than the others in many ways. He is always able to call out Mal's slip-ups and lies. He knows what he is doing and is able to protect and save the others from tough times. That is his main purpose as an alter.

Also, I think it's interesting to note that Manitoba says that Mike gets in the way of his relationships, and then Mike said that the alters would ruin his romantic relationships. I'm just saying that Manitoba probably had a love interest we didn't get to see. Idk. Just had to bring that up when talking about him. Listen, I'm analyzing them for the system, but I'm also doing general analysis, okay?

Age speculation: So... I see a lot of people speculating that he is like 20-40. I don't believe that. I placed him at about 18-19.

I couldn't figure out if fictives are always the same age as the character they form off of. But, let's say they are. In that case, I believe that it's highly likely Mike could have formed Manitoba off of the 13 year old Indiana Jones River Pheonix played. Then he continued to age.

The reason I don't like the older headcanons is mainly because he flirted with Zoey and was implied to be in past relationships. Obviously, these people wouldn't be far off from Mike's age. Going off of a 17 year old Mike, Manitoba is only 2 years older. I also just don't see it fitting for him to be much older? I can see him acting 20-25, but like I said I prefer it younger as it makes more sense with his relationships.

We never see Chester flirt with anyone for this reason. He's too old for them. It would be weird for Manitoba to flirt with them if it was the same case. And speaking of Chester...

CHESTER

Ima be so honest. I'm not hugely interested in Chester. Yet, I do think he's interesting in the aspect that he is different. And I believe he is an introject (if that's the correct term).

Mike's parents were shit in this speculation. He would search for someone outside of them. Like a grandparent. I also want to credit deranged_royal on tiktok as she formed most of my Chester headcanons and helped further my other analyses. She also has really cool cosplays. So follow her rn.

How he formed: Mike looked up to some kind of grandparent figure who ended up dying. He was hurt by this as he had nobody else to look up to. Therefore, an introject formed. It seems that introjects of people systems know in real life often form off of people that provide them comfort or have died. So, I think this makes sense.

Age speculation: 60-80

I feel like old people don't really act differently after they hit 60 or so, so I don't really know. He's probably older because of the issues he has.

Sorry, Chester is so short. I don't have too much to say about him. We don't get a lot of him, and I feel like he is very easy and simple to understand. I love his scenes, though. He's so silly.

VITO

So we all agree Vito is the sexual protector? All right. Thanks. This one goes more into sexual assault and sexual situations!!!

Formation: I actually have two separate theories for this. They both lie in sexual assault. But I'm leaning towards a sexually abusive ex over guardians.

The reason I think this is largely based on how he acts with Anne Maria. Also, the tiktoker I mentioned earlier also noted that he only fronts when the body becomes stripped of clothing. Interesting detail....

I love Annito. I'm their biggest fan, actually. I'm working on rewriting their entire wiki rn because all the system wikis are outdated. I love them sm. Break from the sadness. Look at the cuties.

Anyway. Have you ever noticed how attached Vito gets? He meets Anne Maria, and she is all he can think about from then on. He does anything even if it annoys him just to see her again. Assault survivors tend to get attached easily to those who show them positive attention. Also, they want to take charge of the more sexual aspects. Vito starts making out with Anne Maria within about 5 minutes of meeting.

Anne Maria gives him the interest, care, and control he seeks in a relationship. And now he clings to her. And they're healthy. I LOVE THEM AHHHHHH. Sorry. They're perfect together.

Age speculation: 17-18. This one is obvious to me. He acts like every high school senior. Plus, Anne Maria was 16 in roti. He's no more than 1-2 years older than her. Especially since she thought he was the host before the DID discovery. That means she thought he was about 16. Would be weird if he wasn't.

MIKE

Wowzers. We're at the host!

Okay. Mike, I get it you have internalized ableism. This issue, however, leads to a lot of mistreatment of his headmates. He acts like he owns them, which isn't a positive thing to do.

I love Mike a lot, but I will not erase his actions.

He never allows anyone to front unless it is for use. For example, Svetlana, if it's a physical situation. Then after he fronts immediately again. They even imply that he was never in headspace, meaning that he would only ever let them co front or would fully dissociate.

He didn't let them be their own people, which is really sad. He also didn't allow them their own relationships. Though they have as much of a right to those relationships as Mike does.

Just because Mike is the host or the 'first' doesn't mean that he isn't still an alter. He becomes an alter the second an alter forms for the first time. He is now only one of the people who shares the body.

Also, this may be controversial, but I don't like how Zoey treats Mike. 😕 I don't really have strong opinions outside of their relationship on her. But, I dislike how she, even after a year of dating, seems to not understand anything about his DID. Plus, she always brushes off every other alter and doesn't try to be friends with them or anything. Instead of helping with Mal, she just acted like Mike was lying to her. I like their friendship, but I can't ship Zoke for those reasons.

I could say more about that, but this isn't a Zoke hate post. Mb bros. I probably just lost a few of you. Too bad, so sad. Mal is the best part. You're gonna miss him.

I know I have more to say on him, but I am honestly blanking right now. It's hard to say more about him as he didn't form the same way as the others. I don't really know much about the first alter, so I don't really want to say more for that reason, too.

MAL

Oh, boy. Buckle up.

Idek where to start. I'll accidentally leave out sm because I have sm...

Formation: Mal was the first alter after Mike to form. I'm confident in this for sm reasons. For example, none of the other alters knew about if Mike or Mal formed first. Let's say Svetlana formed after Manitoba. Manitoba would know he was there before she formed as they all actively communicated with each other. Though, they all formed before juvie as they knew about that whole situation personally.

Therefore, I'd say that Mike and Mal have known each other since Mike was about 6. Which makes sense with the research I've done about formation ages. And this is why they know each other so well. Mal is able to imitate Mike extremely well. What gave him away was WHISTLING. And then the bracelet/necklace thing, but like, that has nothing to do with how well he knows Mike's personality.

He knows everything about Mike. And Mike NEEDED him. That is explicitly said by Mal and confirmed by Mike. Mal was formed to protect Mike from abusive or traumatic experiences. And that is why Mal is the way he is largely.

Mal experienced a traumatic childhood. And I believe he's younger than Mike. When Mike is 17, I believe he is only 13-15.

I believe that Mal is terrified of the fact that Mike doesn't need him anymore. So scared that when Mike is put under a ton of stress on the show, Mal fronts full time to take the situation into his hands. He still wants the same goal as the others, to move away. But he is doing it his own way. Also, notice how much he targeted Zoey? He hated anyone getting close to his headmates. He wants to protect them.

"How do you explain him being so rude?"

He is a kid who had a bad childhood. Because of this, he wants to take out the pain he received and push it onto others as well. That's why he's so aggressive. And part of it is just him being a devious 13 y/o.

And, don't forget that that kid was in jail.

Speaking of, he ran the place, right?

Of course, he would want to run the place. It's a whole jail troupe for a reason that you need to make yourself feared. If everyone was scared of him, nobody would hurt him.

That brings me to what I think got Mal into juvie.

Self protection murder.

From what I've seen of the laws, I believe he could go to juvie instead of adult jail for this based on the trial. And if it's self-protection against an abusive person, he could get off with less. I believe. I'm no expert on Canadian law or law in general.

Why do I think this?

Well, Mal had to do something pretty bad to have everyone fearing him. A young kid with a body at like 13 (my guess for body age when in jail), who committed murder. Everyone would stray away. Especially if Mal left out the details and claimed it was in cold blood.

Mal likely fronted most of the time during juvie. He had to go through that rough and scary situation. He went through all of this traumatic stuff.

And then...

Mike forced him into dormancy.

He loves Mike and wants to protect him. Yet, he holds a grudge against him. Mike formed him and made him suffer, and then now tries to get rid of him.

Of course Mal would be upset.

How he acts in All Stars is heavily based on a mix of his grudge against Mike, his trauma, his young age, his time in jail, and overall the nature of the alter he was formed to be.

Mal was formed to be someone stronger and more protective. He wasn't supposed to back down. He was supposed to save them all from that abuse.

But, he's still young and still his own person. It's going to take a toll on him. Especially if he only got to front during the bad times. He now only knows how to take out his anger as a way to protect himself and his headmates.

I know I have a lot more to say about Mal, too. But it's getting late and I'm tired and blanking.

EXTRA

I suspect that after juvie, they were placed into therapy and some sort of foster care. Even if they aren't in an actively abusive home now, they wouldn't trust that it couldn't turn bad. Plus, they would want their own space and control after everything.

So, I'm gonna end it here for now. It's midnight and I'm eepy.

Tell me if I made any mistakes please!!! On canon info or on DID or whatever

If you want more details on any headcanon or have any questions or anything put it in my asks. I love receiving asks. I'll gladly rant to whoever is interested.

Though, for now, I'm tired. Night night.

Live, laugh, love Svetlana.

[ominoose]

𝐎𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Characters: Steven Grant, Cecil, Basil Stitt Summary: Oscar Characters dating a gn! reader that dabbles in witchcraft (written secularly) Warnings: None

☽ 𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐆𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐭

+ When Steven first finds out you dabble in witchcraft, he's intensely curious. His attitude is essentially "Wot's all this then?". At first, he relates it back to everything he knows on Egyptology, comparing any practices you do to that, "Oh! That's similar to what the Ancient Egyptian's did!" or "Hm, that's not how it would've went down back in Ancient Egypt...".

+ He ends up doing a ton of research, half of which isn't even applicable to you, but he likes knowing the ins and out of things, it's his love language. He wants to show genuine interest and care both because its his way of showing he places important on your lifestyle, and because he's genuinely curious.

+ Tries to be as respectful as possible. He knows from Marc being Jewish the amount of importance certain identities or practices can have to people, so with you he's doing anything he can to take it seriously, whether its not touching things or giving you silence to work. That said, he can be a bit teasing sometimes, especially when you give him things, "Hope you didn't put a little hex in my tea." or "What're you going to do, turn me into a frog?!".

+ If he finds out you've left a little sigil note in his work bag to ward off negativity (Donna) or you invite him to join you in making a nice, charged soup, he's ecstatic. Rambling and smiling like a sap, honoured you've involved him.

☽ 𝐂𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐥

+ "Are you... The Blair Witch?" No matter how many times you may tell him you're not the stereotypical, evil, hexing old witch that only brews evil potions in a cauldron, he doesn't fully believe you. Anytime you go outside and someone is rude to you, by cutting you off in traffic or saying a mean word, he's side eyeing you warily, mentally picturing you cackling as you put their hair into a bubbling green vial.

+ The above isn't to say he's scared of you, he's not. Cecil's quite laid back about the whole thing, it's just another facet of you to take in his stride. You're leaving water in jars outside to make moon water? Sure, cool. You need him to pick up certain herbs when he's getting shopping? No problem, (unless its anything other than rosemary and thyme, then he has no idea what the herb is). You want to weave him an intention bracelet? "Aw, babe, that's so romantic."

+ Doesn't understand how it works and perhaps never will. When he's watching sports and his favourite team loses, he'll be sighing and turning to you to ask if you can do something, "Can't you like, manifest them to be less shit? Use your moon water, the moons ball shaped, thats, like, symbolism, right?". No matter how much you try to explain the inner workings of your craft, he will not understand. In his mind, his partner does this weird stuff but it's cool and he will never get on the wrong side of them because he will end up going missing in the woods.

☽ 𝐁𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐥 𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐭

+ Basil is absolutely stoked to have a witch as a partner. He thinks it is the coolest thing ever and romanticises the whole thing a fair bit. All of what he knows about witchcraft comes from pop culture, his mind is full of cliches. When you're forced to tell him that you cannot summon lightening or banish thunder clouds, he's quite disappointed, but quickly bounced back, "It's fine, whatever! You can still hex monkeys, right?"

+ He will watch you in awe if you do anything, asking questions about what something does, why you're doing it, why you're using that, what does that thing mean. Eventually he'll learn and get used to your practices, and it becomes part of his routine with you, he looks forward to seeing you do any rituals.

+ When he's more used to your witchcraft and it does become routine, he might even ask to join some of it, "Can we make a spell jar together? Or will it blow up on me?". When he accepts his scar and mantel of 'Lightningface', completely letting go of his ego and outside perceptions of him, he's ready to delve in and explore new things which your witchcraft helps him do. It's another thing to help ground him, its not exactly common and if he'd spoke about any of it in his past peer groups he'd be ostracized, but now he finds strength in that.

[skepticalarrie]

i am quite new to larry. i’m in my twenties but still fully missed the whole one direction phenomenon until two weeks ago when I saw one (1) tiktok of harry performing satellite and it has been all consuming since. what’s so strange to me about the whole experience (and i know this is not unique) is there’s no way i have thought of to talk about it with anyone irl. like how do i convincingly impress upon anyone how sincere i am in saying that these two former members of the 21st century’s most ubiquitous (and straightest™) boyband — including pop culture’s current golden boy — are actually exceedingly queer and closeted and now soul crushingly important to me as a queer person??? it’s just so contrary to the commonly accepted narrative of them, which i know is the whole damn point, but jesus. all i’ve been able to do is say “hey you should do some research about one direction lore, it’s interesting” and hope my friends accidentally fall down the rabbit hole too. tis a wild and wacky time.

This message would never feel as relatable to me as it feels right now. Because you’re right, it’s not a thing you really talk about in real life, it sounds insane.

I want to share something about Harry, specifically. I wasn’t sure if I would want to share that in the first place, but since you just sent this ask I thought it would fit this discussion just right and it literally just happened in my life. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that. I’ve been a fan for several years now and I always got away just fine with it with people IRL, I don’t really talk much about it. But apparently now everyone in my social circle is completely in love with golden boy Harry Styles, and well… people happened to notice within the last year I’m a big fan. I just went to a bunch of his shows last week and people definitely noticed that even more. I had A LOT of friends coming to me saying all kinds of things, but mostly how hot he is. *Thank god he’s single now* was something I’ve had to sit through a couple of times. And fuck… it was by far the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in all the years of being a fan, it was intense, he truly causes a reaction on people and I wasn’t expecting that. The kind of things some people say about artists just because they’re famous is just… yikes. And I’m talking about friends of mine, good people, treating him like a piece of meat, like he’s not human. People don’t even realise he’s just a normal guy behind all the fame and marketing. And I’m not going to be hypocritical and say I never treated artists like that because I must have at some point, it’s such an easy concept but somehow it’s very hard to realise how human they are unless you *really* look at them and listen to what they’re saying.

Anyway, it was a very devastating situation. I was uncomfortable enough once or twice to tell people to give up thirsting over him because he wouldn’t fuck them anyway, and they should look it up online because he was definitely not straight. I was *angry*, it really got to me. And people actually looked at me like I had completely lost my fucking mind. Like, what do you mean you don’t want to fuck him?? why do you love him so much then?? So it’s what you said, maybe some of them will look up and accept the idea that closeting may be a possibility, and that’s why a lot of queer fans connect with him so much... but who the fuck knows, they probably won’t. But it truly hit me like a ton of bricks how far deep in the closet he is, most people (in my very LGBTQ+ circle) don’t even consider the possibility even though he’s out there waving pride flags every single show and defying gender norms. I’m definitely keeping it more to myself now than I was before.

[whentherewerebicycles]

favorite things I read in 2023:

emily tesh, some desperate glory. I’m making myself wait a couple months before I reread but gosh I really, really loved this one. GOSH every once in a while you stumble across a book that feels like it was written exactly for you and this one was for meeeeee. earth is destroyed by aliens. the last remnants of humanity live aboard a crumbling space station where genetically engineered children are raised to be super-soldiers in a militaristic death cult. the sci-fi world/history itself is fascinating but mostly this is a book about like idk cultural trauma and brainwashing and kids learning how to be human again. if you, like me, go absolutely feral over ender’s game, you will love this book.

tasmyn muir, the locked tomb series. I can’t decide if harrow or nona was my favorite but I stayed up so late reading these and my jaw was just on the floor about how thematically and structurally daring these works are. I’ve never read anything this ambitious by a relatively new-to-the-scene novelist. also I’d die for camilla and palamedes godddd rip my fucking HEART out why don’t you. I want to take a graduate seminar where we just read and analyze and write papers about these books lol.

douglas stuart, young mungo. so, so gutting. don’t waste your time with his first novel, as he was clearly still working out how to make a book. pleased to report he figured it out with the second and the results are just aaaaaa extremely painful.

naomi novik, uprooted. gorgeous, immersive folktale-inspired fantasy. my goodreads pals either loved this one or loathed it so ymmv but I really liked it. unfortunately I then went on a novik kick and read her abysmally bad scholomance trilogy which slightly soured me on her. but this one… good!

katherine addison, the goblin emperor. this was a book in which nothing much happened and yet you never wanted it to end because you liked the protagonist so much.

and a few honorable mentions:

john williams’s stoner—a reread but man it still packs a punch. so simple and yet so rich

samanta schweblin’s fever dream and grace chan’s every version of you which were stylistically very different but both kinda trippy speculative fiction that really got under my skin & freaked me out

tracy deonn’s legendborn. very solid YA with great characters although I tapped out of the trilogy—the books were a little too long and I’m not into arthurian stuff enough to feel really hooked by the magical world.

neil gaiman’s neverwhere. can you tell I was really leaning hard into sci-fi and fantasy this year lol. this was also a reread but I hadn’t revisited it since maybe high school?? a looong time ago. just a delight.

I also read a ton of books on fertility, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and parenting, but for the most part none of them were anything to write home about apart from a silent sorrow (so good, so moving, so humane—really gave me a language and a framework for thinking about a painful human experience). I also liked how to raise a boy although at this stage in my life I felt like it was most useful as fic research lol. it gave me some great ideas for writing male characters!

[fandxmslxt69]

Personally I think Jake Lockley would drive me to and from the mosque at 7am in the morning for Eid prayers in his fancy ass limo simply because "it's a big holiday, carino, you have to show up in style."

I also know he'd take eid shopping VERY VERY SERIOUSLY and get all his research done with a full plan to just spend the day out together, trying on shit tons of clothes, giving "professional" opinions (He has no idea what he's talking about, Marc thinks he's dumb and Steven just says every outfit looks great. Not helpful!!), and just being....cute <333333

ahhhhh constantly thinking about him in my silly parallel world i cant and wont shut up about him

I ALSO personally believe they'd be the kind of cutie pie who'd spend 90% of Ramadan at home with you, because its a Big Deal and also, he enjoys the peacefulness. Marc likes spending the later evening with you, cleaning up dishes and staying up late to just chat and watch TV- he'd also be very strict on making sure to wake you up before sunrise with a decent meal ready. Steven enjoys the tranquillity of the day, it's lazy a lot of the times. You don't go to work- its meant to be a month for yourself, he sits with you when you're going through your prayers or daily reading- HAPPILY walks to the mosque and back with you when you find the time to go pray there. Jake's more there during the meal prep. He's got grocery lists down and done for each day, he'd be damned if he makes you wait too long after sunset to eat. He makes sure the food is always something you'll love but also obviously healthy!! He looooves spending the last few hours of the day with you in the kitchen making iftar and preparing everything!!!

Can. You. Tell. I'm. Not. Normal. About. Them.

This went from Jake to all three but I literally can not stop thinking about it. Even though they literally do not have to, they try to keep their violent nightly activities to a minimum during the month. They absolutely DO NOT have to but the idea of tainting this sacred month by coming home with so much blood on their hands- not something they like the sound of. Also MORE than happy to put off things like alcohol or sex during the month- sex so you can focus on the more important parts of this time, and alcohol because again they dont like the idea of "tainting" the holiday.

i need to be locked away right now.

[yemmate]

I'm supposed to be writing right now but I want to say something that I tell myself. I hope it helps you too.

Art isn't just a hobby. It can be a job. It's not a perfect job, but it's still a job that makes you happy. Not many other career paths can say that. Warning: This is a tangent post made by an anarchist. If you don't want to read a long novel length ramble about why money is a corrupting construct and capitalism is made to break poor people move along.

I've noticed in my 21 years on this planet, nearing the 22 mark as spring approaches, that jobs are often given a value. If you're a doctor you've got a high quality job because you went to school, got a degree, and get paid a lot. But what about nurses? They work in the same place and went to school for a certification, some a degree as well, but they aren't paid as much and are treated poorly. Why? Well because they're not doctors. They can have the same amount of knowledge, sometimes more depending on who the doctor is, but their job is seen as lower just because of the pay and general view of it in the eyes of society.

Most of the people who will tell you all this and which job is the most valuable and what to go for actually don't know much about the inner workings. Go ahead, ask someone who's told you something like this if they've done much research outside of watching a video on social media and reading random posts without checking the validity behind them.

Another things with doctors, nurses, construction workers, all these jobs everyone tells you to get instead of something you'd actually enjoy is they don't face the fact, or rather they choose to just accept the fact and do nothing about it, that those in charge are gonna kick. you. around. until you give up or give in. Those who give up usually didn't even want the job in the first place. Those who give in always dreamed of this job but once they're in it that blind optimistic veil is torn away.

Zom100 is an anime that opens with a guy going into an office job where he works for a company that produces commercials. He's a writer for the scripts and helps with casting and went in expecting to make tons of friends, meet stars, and even falls for the secretary and wishes to confess to her one day. It starts off all bright and colorful since that's how he views the world in his eyes. After going out drinking with his coworkers after their first day of work is done, everything stops. The happy smiles and attitudes of his employees vanish as they return to work and our protagonist is met with the horrible work grind culture he's walked into. Yet, he stays optimistic in the hopes he can stay strong only to finally break after a year of working at the business. He stumbles home from exhaustion to his now trashed apartment full of garbage bags, trash covering the floors, just looking like a dump because he's to exhausted from working and staying at the office days at a time to be able to clean up.

I love the first episode of Zom100, although only the first episode, because it does a FANTASTIC job at giving a message I live by. "Do not settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve." It shows what happens when you go for the give in option of what I mentioned earlier. If your boss is dumping work on you but not anyone else, call them out. If you're being harassed in the workplace and there is a clear bias because of your gender, race, or anything else, call them out. If your pay is far less than the amount you work, call them out. If they refuse to make any changes despite you having concrete evidence because they will lose the money they have to spare, quit and call them out.

The older folk in my life have told me time and time again that "You work for bad people to pay worse people and then die." (Not a direct quote but it summarizes what they say.) These people come from a time where there was an even worse imbalance in power and they had to give in to live due to the many things going on in the world at that time that made living conditions horrible if you weren't already super rich. It isn't like that anymore though.

The economy and people in power is still messed up yes we need to work on that but that isn't what this post is about.

Glitch Studios is an animation studio aiming to give independent animation a place to shine and has been doing so with MASSIVE success. It's thanks to them that indie work is finally getting looked at by bigger studios. Personally, I see this as a sign that art is finally getting a more proper place in the general view of society as a proper career path. Only issue is it's focused on animation.

I'm not an animator, I'm a writer and lover of comics. Would I want some of my stuff adapted into animation? By fans out of love for the works, yes, as an official adaptation for profit? No.

It's not a smart move marketing wise or profit wise but that's the thing. I'm not some old white guy sitting on a throne of gold bars in a big evil company business building, I'm a 20 something at a desk in a dusty apartment room surrounded by goofy posters and plushies. I don't care about money, I care about making things I and others love. I think that's what people have forgotten recently when it comes to working in this world. You can work and work and work and pay rent and be able to buy that new outfit to wear at your family gathering to show off but how long will you be happy from that? Small moments of joy is fine and treating yourself is fine too, but what do you do to make yourself happy while still fulfilling a purpose? Do you feel like you fulfill a purpose? What did you want to do, not need to do.

Working retail is seen as your go to starter job or just what you go to when you need to pay the bills. It's not a shameful thing to do, nor is any job when you just need an income for necessities. But, what if that's what you want to do? You don't want a giant house, you don't want a fancy car, you don't want Gucci clothes, you enjoy the simple job and lifestyle. That's fine. No matter if your parents say you're throwing away your potential, no matter if the world says you need to run a company, no matter what people say it is okay to have simple goals and a simple life.

Minimalism is the practice of only having what you need for what you want to do. This is the video that first got me thinking about it.

It's something I think people need to be taught about more. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't go and sell off everything you own, but maybe at least think "Do I really need a $200 phone from a popular brand that doesn't even come with a charger? Do I need it? What parts of it validate the cost?"

Now here is how this all ties back to my overall message with this tangent.

I want to make indie comics because it makes me happy. It makes my friends who have helped me shaped the stories, characters, and everything else happy. And, overall, I hope it makes others happy too. Not to mention, I can't exactly think about signing up with some popular publishing company because of how loudly of an anarchist I am and how diverse I make my work.

Why I'm making this post is because I want to get you thinking about this too. Are you happy with whatever job you have right now? Are you fairly treated? Is this what you want? Are you brainwashed by societal norms made by the big companies that you need whatever big and fancy phone or computer set up you're reading this on? If you said no to any of this I suggest looking into your own personal rights as a human being and standing up for yourself, think about forming a union if need be. If your issue is with buying expensive things you don't even need feel free to trade them in or sell them and get what you need and can be happy with while having extra money left over.

Remember, you don't need to be make a billion dollars each week to be successful. Happiness is from what you do and what makes you happy, not your bank account amount or how many bedrooms you have in a mansion. Most of all, happiness is what you choose to make it not what some old jerks who think Trump is a sane man say it is.

[mykatsudon]

hi, have you heard the rumor that apparently a leaker revealed that mappa permanently shelved ice adolescence? i've seen that someone made a petition for mappa to say something about the movie but honestly i really don't think that's going to do anything :( it kinda makes me wanna cry thinking about how or why the franchise ended up this way, it was HUGE and everyone was so excited for the movie and i just know mappa could still make tons of money if they'd ever release it. i'll never stop loving yuri on ice and its fandom but i just can't help but think it deserved so much better.

I have not seen it and I do not usually believe leaked info like that but it feels believable. We're already in the middle of the year. I really don't believe there's a production going on. My common sense tells me that if there were any type of production we would get some type of promotion; posters, merchandise, VA projects, etc. something major is going on/went on in production that's for sure. It's difficult to understand why such a money making IP would do radio silence like this, to the point hey can't even put together a short manga like in welcome to the madness, or do another Sanrio collab, CD drama? anime café? the fact that we're not getting even those says to me this is canned.

As to why the entirety of YOI seems to be canned and not just Iceado I seriously have no idea, I cannot understand this decision other than this is something to do with it's creators. It would be one thing if yoi ended and that was it, story was over, but to go as far as to say "see you next level" and announce a movie, it's fair to say they had plans for yoi beyond the original 12 eps. YOI was highly successful, best selling anime of 2017, best selling blue ray discs in 2018, bunch of awards, It trended #1 on Tumblr and twitter every Wednesday, when was the last time we've seen something like that happen with other anime? only the biggest of the biggest trend with every episode (aot, jjk, demon slayer, etc) and yoi was pulling those numbers. I stand on my theory that if it were up to Mappa we would be on Yuri on ice season 3 with 2 movies and OVAS by now (7 years later) but this is something to do with Kubo, Sayo and the production team. perhaps they don't want to continue with this project, perhaps they got burnout. But I wanna make a point that I made in the essay I posted some time ago about my suspicions on what happened to YOI. The fact that Yoi was a big money making IP does not guarantee fast input of related media. look at Hideki Anno with EVA: 3.0+1.0, It's a Huge, popular property that makes a lot of money worldwide and still it took 9 years for the final movie to come out! Hideki experienced severe burnout, people who worked closely to him left the production and the whole experience severely delayed the project (this is what I've found on my research) People thought the last EVA movie was canned as well, and this was purely on the basis of the creator because the numbers were there, so the fact that it's taken this long for new YOI content does not mean it's canned forever, but it does appear that the project is in indefinite hold. I, myself am finding peace with this. I've accepted that the project is on hold perhaps forever, perhaps not. But I'm trying to find closure however I can. I do hope we get some kind of announcement though, I do find it kinda impolite to leave the fans in the dark like this.

sorry for the long reply

[hopefulromantic1]

Almost is Never Enough Part VI - Trent Alexander-Arnold 

Summary: Love? What is love anyway - y/n wasn’t sure. All she knew was it’s easy to ignore red flags when you are looking through the rose coloured glasses of what felt like love. The winged cupid is painted blind afterall

Warnings: this story will contain angst, smut, fluff

Word Count: 4.2K

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V

Masterlist

Over the three weeks following your last encounter with Trent you tried your best to throw yourself into your new life. Things got better with Josh, it wasn’t perfect but it was getting better. You focused on work and your hobbies trying to occupy yourself away from thoughts of Trent. At least you didn’t feel physically sick anymore when Trent’s name crossed your mind. You still weren’t able to completely get him out of your head but things were better. 

Trent actually stayed away this time, he didn’t text, he didn’t call, he didn’t send you anything. At first, you were grateful for the reprieve but as the radio silence went on you started to worry about if he was moving on himself. It was terribly selfish given you had an entire boyfriend now but the jealous thoughts still fluttered across your mind. 

Now you were alone in your flat, Josh left town for work for a few days and you were left alone with your thoughts. Unfortunately, when you were left without stimulation your mind wandered to your achilles heel - Trent. This time you indulge yourself and start googling him. One of the benefits of Trent being famous was you could google him and find tons of stuff - but that was also a drawback because the deep dive could last hours. The day fell into night as you read countless articles about his current form and liverpool, you argued with the screen that Trent was in fact an exceptional footballer. The deep dive continued down watching his post match interviews - you told yourself it was like a form of research. You just wanted to know how he was feeling about the games - good and bad. Then you found yourself watching more casual interviews of his, smiling when he did, laughing at the way he constantly pulled at the sleeve of his shirts. The ‘research’ turned to you staring at the man who held your heart through the screen doe-eyed with a silly smile. 

After a shameful number of hours you slammed your laptop shut and took up your phone to switch to something less Trent related. You took up tiktok for an escape but of course the algorithm was following you and you were seeing video after video about Trent. You gave up on screen time and decided to go for a night drive. 

You didn’t know where you were going to go, you just drove around the town. Eventually you found yourself in Trent’s neighbourhood, you swore to yourself it wasn't intentional your body just made the car go that way while your mind was elsewhere. Soon you were driving past his house, you drove past telling yourself it’s better you go home but something made you turn around and drive back. 

Somehow you were now parked opposite his house like some stalker. You debated if you should call him since you were there but then you thought how are you going to explain yourself that you’re sitting outside of his house? You continued to debate when a car rolled up next to you, you looked out the window and your face fell immediately recognizing the car. 

You sunk into your seat hoping he didn’t see you. The car pulled up in front of you, you reclined your seat and slid further down in your chair. The object of your desires himself was quickly stood at your window but you pulled your cap down further on your head and pulled your arms closer across your body hoping to disappear. The shrill ring of your phone made you jump as you fumbled to answer it. 

“You know I can see you right?” Trent said through the phone while tapping on your window. You quickly hung up the phone you shouldn’t have answered and sheepishly looked out the window to be met with the raised eyebrows of Trent. 

You brought your seat back up and rolled down the window preparing for the worse. 

“Are you stalking me?” He immediately asked, folding his arms. 

“No…I…I was just checking out properties, you know thinking about buying a house,” you waffled. Trent narrowed his eyes at you and a small smile formed on his lips. 

“A house? There are no houses for sale in this neighbourhood,” he challenged your lies. 

“Oh well, best I get going then,” you tried to turn your key and escape but Trent’s hand quickly reached in your car and grabbed your hand to stop you. 

“Why don’t you come in,” he nodded toward his house.

“I…I shouldn’t” your body definitely wanted to but the logical side of you said you shouldn’t. 

“You should,” he stepped away from the car and opened the gate with his buzzer while walking back to his car.

“You could just drive off now,” you said to yourself, your logical side tried to convince you but after many many hours of cyberstalking the man in front of you it was safe to say tonight wasn’t logic’s night. 

“Trent…” you sighed as he was about to open the door with you next to him. 

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, opening the door. 

“Because…this is bad,” you whined pouting. 

“You’re the one who was stalking my house,” he said, dragging you in. Fair enough, you kind of got yourself into this mess. 

Of course, his entire family was there when you got in, it was evident by the noise emitting from the house. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough. One thing about Trent, he didn’t sneak around his family. Everything he knew they knew, and they definitely knew about you. At first you thought it was crazy he was introducing you to his family so soon after you started seeing each other - it was maybe a month in but you quickly saw he didn’t do anything without them and wouldn’t keep secrets from them - you included. 

“Y/n, I didn’t know you were coming over,” his mum got up from the couch to greet you once Trent had dragged your unwilling body into the living room. 

“Yeah…it wasn’t really planned, it’s nice to see you,” you smiled as she enveloped you in a hug. 

“You as well, we haven’t seen you in a bit - thought you finally had enough of Trent,” she continued letting go of you. Great, even she knows you should have left him. 

“Oh she did, but I found her stalking the house,” Trent smirked next to you, you automatically shoved him. 

“I’m sure she just happened to be in the neighbourhood,” Dianne attempted to save you from the embarrassment with a smile, you nodded and agreed. Trent shook his head and moved to the living room to sit with his brothers. Dianne pulled you in with her and made you have a seat with them once you told everyone an awkward hello. Well it was awkward for you, they all seemed like it was normal to see you in their house at this hour. 

Did you think you’d be sitting in Trent’s living room tonight watching some netflix documentary with his entire family? Absolutely not, but someone up above clearly thinks your life is a joke so here you were. 

After the show and some chat with his family you were ready to go. You had to escape. 

“Well guys it was great to see you all, I should probably go home,” you stood up from the couch ready to escape. 

“It’s kind of late, maybe you should stay,” Trent said from his position on the couch. He wasn’t even sitting next to you, he had barely even said a word to you directly the entire night. You opened your mouth to protest but it was quickly shut down by Trent’s father. 

“Yeah it’s late, wouldn’t want you on the roads alone at this time,” He said from his seated position. Why couldn’t Trent have the kind of parents who didn’t let girls stay over. Like seriously - they do know you two have had sex right!? You mentally complained because you knew you couldn’t physically at this point. His mother was already offering you night tea and his dad was talking about how dangerous the streets can be for a young woman alone. 

“Guess you’re staying then,” Trent smirked at you when he came to stand in front of you. 

“I hate you,” you mouthed to him, hidden by his broad torso from his family. 

“Love you too,” he mouthed back with a wicked wink before moving to help his mum in the kitchen with the tea. You internally groaned at your predicament. 

After the tea and filling his mum in on your life sans the whole Josh thing of course you made your way begrudgingly upstairs behind Trent. 

“Trent this is weird,” you said once in the privacy of his room. He shrugged and took off his shirt. 

“Trent come on, can you at least keep your clothes on for this conversation,” you complained, holding out your hand to block his body from your eyes. Trent continued to undress in front of you - not a care for your request. 

“You want the shower first or can I?” he said, placing his hands on his hips. You regrettably peaked over your outstretched hand to see him only in his boxers. 

“Trent, I’m being serious - maybe we should discuss some rules,” you began. 

“Y/n, stop acting like you’ve never slept in my bed before, now do you want to shower first or what?” he ignored your attempts at laying down rules. You huffed, defeated. 

“Me first,” you stormed past him into the bathroom. If you were going to be stuck here for the night at least you were going to enjoy your shower time alone first. 

You locked the door behind you and turned on the water before stripping your clothes. You looked at Trent’s bathroom counter and noticed the basket with all your skincare was still there and the toothbrush he gave you was also still there. You shook your head trying to pretend you hadn’t noticed it stepping into the shower. Of course, all your shower stuff was there too. The body wash you liked, the special soap you liked, your specific shampoo and conditioner.  You sighed, picked up the bottle of body wash remembering the day you came over and saw all this stuff here. You hadn’t asked him to - at the time you were still trying to convince yourself you wouldn’t make a habit of staying over at his but he said he knew how much you liked shower time so he wanted you to feel at home when you were with him. You rolled your eyes and moved under the water - you were so taken with him then,  if you were honest with yourself you still were because you still hadn’t figured out how to undo it. 

After your long shower you came out with the towel tightly wrapped around your body. Trent immediately got off the bed and moved past you. 

“Took you long enough, clothes are on the bed for you” he said in passing going into the bathroom himself. 

On the bed were clothes for like he said. You sighed, accepting you would actually be sleeping here tonight and put on his shirt and shorts. You settled yourself into the bed, you thought you’d feel uncomfortable but there was a familiarity about being in his bed, under his covers, surrounded by his scent. 

Trent eventually came out, shamelessly drying off and changing in front of you. Did you watch this time? Shamefully - yes. You told yourself you were just too tired to fight it but truly you enjoyed watching his muscles move as he ran the towel across his naked body. The way he snapped his shorts low on his waistline before running the towel over his hair was intoxicating to watch. 

“You alright?” he asked, turning fully to you, putting the towel down. You didn’t say anything at first because you were still locked in the trance of admiring his body. 

“Y/n, can you hear me?” he waved in front of your face causing you to snap out of it and immediately hang your head in shame. Trent chuckled - a sign that he did notice you staring. He thankfully didn’t say anything about it, he just got into the bed next to you. 

“Trent…” you began as he settled himself in the bed. You wanted to remind him about Josh, about the fact that you and him weren’t a thing anymore but when he turned to you and looked at you with soft eyes you choked. 

“Yea? What is it baby,” he asked after you hesitated, he looked so beautiful in the dim light of the room, his brown eyes big and soft, his face relaxed. 

“Nothing,” you said under your breath and turned your body away from him in an attempt to escape the way his eye contact made you feel. Trent turned off the lights and slipped his arm around your waist, cuddling you against his body. He seemed to have done it without hesitation - as if you did this every night. Again, you wanted to complain but when you felt him gently squeeze you against him as his breathing slowed your complaints rescinded. You settled against him, listening to his breathing change from slow breaths to gentle snores.

Once you were sure he was asleep you turned to him. You watched him sleep for a bit, taking in how peaceful he looked, no thoughts in your mind other than how breathtaking he was. You gently played with his hair as he slept, moving it out of his face only for it to fall back. You smiled to yourself remembering all the times you told him he should wrap up his hair but he found that was too much of a hassle. He started to stir a bit next to you, fluttering his eyes open to meet yours. 

“Are you watching me sleep?” he asked in a whisper. You nodded, you were - you were too far down the Trent rabbit hole now to start lying. A gentle smile crossed his lips as his eyes fluttered closed again. He pulled you against his chest, placing a kiss to your forehead. 

“Trent…” you said, trailing your fingers along his bare chest. He humed drowsily in response. You looked back up to his face, his eyes closed, his features relaxed like he was going to fall back into sleep. Incautiously, you kissed him. 

You pulled away almost as quickly as you kissed him, but it was enough to wake him up. He looked into your eyes, searching for confirmation you did actually kiss him. 

“Trent…” you started to retreat with your words but your body was still against his. 

“It’s okay,” he quickly soothed you, rubbing his hand along your side as his eyes fluttered closed again. A few moments passed of you watching him sleep, watching his full lips slightly part as he fell deeper into sleep. 

“Trent,” you said loud enough to get a groan from him, and a gentle squeeze of your side, “I want to kiss you,” the words left your lips but you didn’t think they actually formed in your brain. Nevertheless, you didn’t retreat - your logical brain was long asleep. Trent didn’t open his eyes right away, his eyebrows furrowed for a moment first, before he finally opened his tired eyes to look at you. 

“Baby…” he breathed the term of endearment that made your body warm. He moved the hand that was on your waist to your cheek, stroking it gently with his thumb. You didn’t know how much time passed of him looking through your eyes and into your soul but it felt like an eternity. 

Finally, he pulled you closer to him - you made the first move again pressing your lips against his. The kiss was slow and gentle, you moved your hand to his back pulling yourself impossibly closer to him, suddenly the narrow space between your bodies felt too far. Trent obliged and pulled you closer and you felt yourself melt into him. Your lips moved together seamlessly. Trent moved his hand from your cheek down your body, dipping into your shorts and gently grabbed your butt pressing your hips against his. You moaned into his mouth, feeling him against you. Trent’s lips didn’t leave yours as he pushed your shorts down, you helped him rid you of his shorts - completely lost in the bliss of his kiss. Once your shorts were off he moved his fingers to push his shirt up your body, maintaining the gentle pace of his lips against yours. You grew impatient by his measured pace and pulled the top off yourself. You caught him smiling as you pulled the top over your head. He pulled you back into him promptly and placed his lips against yours again. 

“You too,” you said against his lips, dipping your fingers into his shorts. Trent didn’t hesitate in ridding himself of his shorts, the two of you now completely naked and wrapped up in eachother. 

“I missed you,” he said against your skin, pushing you flat against the bed as his lips moved down your chest. You just hummed in response, too focused on the way his lips were now encircling your nipple to form a verbal response. Trent took his time with your body - tenderly licking and sucking at each nipple. He replaced his lips with his hands as he moved down your body. He placed butterfly kisses down your belly, painstakingly slow. 

“Trent, please,” you breathed, arching your back into him, needing him to touch you at your core. 

“Just let me take care of you baby,” he spoke against your skin, still taking his time. 

Trent had your body overflowing with desire by the time he was actually between your legs. He massaged your thighs slowly, inching them apart. He kissed you everywhere except where you needed him. He ever so often glanced up at you, only revving up your desperation. It had been much too long since you felt like this. The burn of desire across your skin, the rush of heat and wetness to your core from his touch.

Finally, he dipped his warm tongue between your folds, making you gasp as he did. You looked down at him to see him completely lost in licking and sucking at you. He ate you like he’d never get the chance again. Hitting every spot he knew would send you to the edge, he knew your body so well. 

“Trent..” you moaned, squeezing your eyes shut and biting your lip to try to keep your noises down but you were so close it was like trying to stop a moving train. 

“Look at me baby,” you opened your eyes like he asked, meeting his. The power he had over your body amplified when he held your gaze. The intensity of the way he was looking at you and the way his tongue was dancing against your clit drove you over the edge like a rushing waterfall. You gripped his hair tightly as you came, gritted your teeth to try and keep down the volume of your quivering moans. 

Trent tenderly kissed your inner thighs and up your body as you came down, leaving a gentle trail of kisses up your rapidly rising and falling chest. 

“I really miss you,” he said into your ear after kissing up your neck. 

“I miss you too,” you let yourself admit, pulling his jaw to kiss you. 

Everything from there was incredibly tender, Trent touched you like  he needed to remember every curve of your body for an exam. It was very different from all the quickies and heated sex the two of you had experienced in the past. The slowness of it all made you want to beg him for more but the way he danced his fingers over your bare skin, his eyes focused on you made your body tingle. 

“Trent, I need you,” you finally asked as you were aching for him to be inside of you now. What felt like hours of foreplay and teasing was driving you insane. 

“Anything for you baby, anything,” He whispered in your ear, slotting himself between your legs. You wrapped your legs around him in anticipation. The moment he slid into your body the air left your lungs - the familiar pressure of the way he stretched you felt so right. 

“You feel so good baby,” he professed his lips next to yours. You moved your face to meet his lips, greedily wrapping him in a passionate kiss as he picked up pace into your slick core. You moaned into his mouth as his tongue moved with yours, gripping your legs tighter around him as he reached points in your body only he knew. 

Trent unexpectedly pulled away from your lips, looking directly into your glazed eyes. 

“Y/n,” He said your name softly but his face looked like he was battling with himself for what next to say, his hips slowed as he held your face. He searched your eyes in silence for a moment. 

“Yes Trent,” you encouraged him.

“I umm…I,” he stuttered, his eyes falling away from yours. 

“Trent,” you pulled his face back to yours, “Tell me,” you breathed, locking your eyes with his. He didn’t say it out loud but the enamoured look you both shared spoke for you. When he looked at you like that you felt your entire world melt away - everything was about him. Nothing else mattered. 

Neither of you spoke, Trent kissed you again, lacing your hands together with his above your head as he continued his devotion to your body - unwavering pace until you were trembling around him, gasping his name. He did not part from your body for an incalculable amount of time, the two of you remained entangled in a dance of kisses and touches until your eyes were undeniably heavy. Ultimately falling asleep in each other's arms, guiltless ignoring the reality of your worlds. 

The next morning you woke up pressed against Trent’s body. Initially you settled into him, but a moment of realisation hit you and you jumped out of his arms. 

You scrambled out of the bed, shoving on the clothes you were supposed to be sleeping in. Trent groaned, awoken by your noisy shuffling. 

“Y/n? What’s going on?” he asked in a husky voice, rubbing his eyes. 

“What is going on is a good question!” the words raced out of your mouth as you shoved his shirt over your body. You looked down at yourself wearing his clothes and groaned, pulling it back off and searching for your own clothes. 

“Can you slow down, you’re going to hurt yourself,” Trent warned but you continued to stumble into your sweatpants nearly falling as you did. 

“I need to go home,” you said, eyes anywhere but on him as you put on yesterday's clothes. 

“It’s early, you can stay a bit,” Trent said calmly, sitting up in the bed. You turned to him bewildered by his composure when you were on the edge of hysterics. 

“Trent, are you okay!?,” you all but shouted, “Did I dream last night!? Because I do not understand how you can be so calm right now when I’ve literally just committed adultery!” your voice getting higher and more panicked with each word. 

“Adultery? Surely it’s not that serious” Trent, still calm as ever, got out of the bed and dragged on his shorts. 

Your chest started to feel tight as the reality of what you did became more and more real. 

“Y/n, it’s okay,” Trent grabbed your shoulders, holding you steady. 

“It is not okay, I cheated on Josh,” you looked up at him swarmed with guilt. 

“What we have is bigger than that, don’t beat yourself up,” Trent pulled you against his chest and for a moment you felt reassured and calmed in his arms but the fact you felt like that made you only feel more ashamed with your actions. You should’ve known better than to think you could stay away from Trent. 

“Trent…this is really bad,” you sniffled, fighting tears of shame. Trent pulled your face from his chest and looked right into your eyes. 

“Leave him, you know what we have is more than anything he can give you, leave him …come back,” Trent spoke candidly. Your chest felt tight again, you felt like the air was being pulled out of your body too many emotions hitting you at once. 

“I need to go,” you pulled away from him, grabbing your bag and darting out of his room. 

“Y/n!” Trent called your name following you out of the room but you kept your head straight and made a beeline for the front door. 

“Y/n wait,” Trent caught up to you grabbing your car door before you could close it. 

“Trent please, please I need to go - I can’t do this right now,” you pleaded with him. His face softened when you saw the panic on yours. 

“Okay,” he conceded, letting go and letting you out of the house. 

You drove straight home and all but ran into your apartment. 

“Fuck, I fucked up,” you cursed yourself slammed your body on to your bed. The memory of everything you did flooding to you. The worst part about it all was how much you enjoyed it - how right it felt in the moment. You groaned at your bad decisions and dragged yourself to your shower, in a futile attempt at trying to wash away the hold Trent had on you.

---

thanks for reading!

Let me know your thoughts ☺️

Part VII : here

[bigbroadvice]

Hi, I want to preface this with the fact I was raised in a conservative home, homeschooled, and very .. insulated from people I guess. My first public schooling experience was college and I only made a few friends I kept at arms length for a while. So I don’t know a ton of people.

I have recently been questioning a lot about politics and religion and science (I was never taught about evolution either and am just now learning about it) and I am .. questioning LGBT stuff and I was wondering if you know of studies proving LGBT identities? Or evidence for them? I was raised being told they just didn’t exist and the idea that they could be real is .. I guess amazing to me. I’m so sorry if this sounds cruel at all. I support and love my LGBT friends, I just don’t understand if there’s any science or proof behind it and .. I’m kind of questioning if I’m LGBT too but I really need evidence or I know I’ll never be accepted by my family. Are there studies proving people can be born gay or trans? Or anything else? Something like that? I’ve found studies looking at trans brains that look promising and the hemispheres and hypothalamus of gay and lesbian people but idk if there’s anything else.. thank you in advance.

Sorry this took so long to respond. I felt like I needed to do some research for it but I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water with college work.

Don’t worry, this is a perfectly valid question given where you’re coming from and that’s exactly what I’m here for, all the questions you’re not sure who else to ask.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re already doing a really thourough job researching, in fact I’d love to see what you’ve found. I’m not sure what kind of scientific proof I could find for you that LGBT people are real. It’s like finding research that proves the sun is real. Of course it is, it’s right there. Queer people are everywhere and always have been.

But I understand that you were raised in an environment that went to great lengths to deny that reality. I was also homeschooled in a very conservative home and while they couldn’t outright deny the existence of queer people because I had some access to the outside world and knew I myself was queer, they did try their very hardest to explain it away as something you get infected with, confusion, a choice, and/or sin.

I don’t know all the science behind why people are queer, I just know that they are and there’s no changing it. Some people are naturally attracted to another sex, and some people are naturally attracted to the same one. Some people have always felt comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth, and some people never have and never will. People will try to tell you that can be changed, but it can’t. They used to try to medicate it like a disees but all that did was make people depressed or feel nothing at all, not start feeling attraction for the opposite sex.

Growing up, they told me that if I prayed enough and did all the right things I could stop being queer if I wanted it enough. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a lie. I went though years of conversion therapy and am still just as queer as I’ve always been. No amount of bible verses and earnest pleading prayers and counseling sessions and exorcisms was able to make that go away, it just made life miserable.

The only choice involved in being LGBT is weather you choose to love or hate yourself for it. It’s not going away, so you can either choose to live in shame and keep yourself from things that would make you happy, or you can embrace it and live freely.

If you’re looking for more avenues to research, I’d recommend queer history. It’s really eye opening seeing how queer people have always existed in every time period and every culture, through persecution and celebration. We have been and always will be here for as long as humanity is, because we’re an inextricable part of it.