man-0n-the-m00n - Tumblr blog

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Hello

I’m not really outlining this at all, so it may be all over the place.

I started this account when I was alone and in late middle school and early high school. I am now a sophomore in college, and view things -and myself- very differently. I was so annoyingly positive (and just downright delusional and ignorant of the nuance in everything that is) in my past posts, and since then I have become more realistic, maybe even pessimistic. Aside from that, I’ve also just fucking grown up lmfaoo. I was a genuine idiot, and reading the shit I used to write makes me want to rip my own teeth out.

I want to start posting again, now that I have something real to say. I want interaction and community. I have been doing bad again, but now I’m at an age where I’m forced to take hold of my life entirely without the help of anyone. I have to do everything alone, and in a way it is very liberating. I was never allowed to control my own life the way I wanted until now, but now I’m seeing how little control I still have. It’s disheartening having dreams that are inhibited by financial constraints. it’s even more disheartening to be ass fucked by the government for wishing for anything more than the bare minimum (at best).

I feel so different now, so much older. I’ll be 20 soon, and that’s crazy to think about. life is finite and that knowledge plagues my mind now more than ever. I’m probably a fourth of the way through the life I’ll live. I hate thinking about it.

I’m no longer going to attempt to milk some overarching lesson from my thoughts here, but I just want someone to listen I think. someone to think about my thoughts and make me feel real.

- Fellie

#thisissocringeidkwhyieverdidthat

[man-0n-the-m00n]

A Cry For Help

Lately my heart has been healing, at least I thought so. Although as the days pass the effects of years of verbal abuse are starting to prevail. I’m someone who minimizes the trauma I talk about because i’ve been told that talking about it, no matter the context, means you’re an attention seeking whore (not the case, please never think that). 

I’ve always based my happiness on how others view me, which is incredibly stupid seeing as i’ll never truly know how anyone feels about me. Knowing that leads me to freak out when I think there’s even a chance of someone I like not liking me back, platonically or romantically. I overthink and in the end, I shut them out. When I get upset I force people to leave so I feel that i’m somehow in control of something. I want people to prove to me that they’ll stay and there’s only one person who ever has. 

I wish I knew how to discontinue the cycle of self doubt and self hatred that i’ve created. I wish I had someone to talk to and to open up to that didn’t make me feel like my problems were insignificant. When I open up I always end up feeling like I'm crazy and like i’ve made up everything in my head. I feel like I can't get better because nothings wrong. 

I want to be able to have someone there for me and I want to be that person for them too. I want to grow close to someone that will never judge me on my appearance or weight. I just want someone to truly care for me because of my personality.

This isn’t really what I normally post but i’m genuinely trying to reach out, I want to meet new people and find someone who will listen. 

I break down at the smallest things now because i’m so used to feeling like I'm worthless that I automatically tell myself that I should just give up and kill myself. i can't stand to live in this house anymore but there’s literally no way out. I feel so weak. I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. I just can’t take this. The people who are supposed to be there for me aren’t. The person only person who is there for me I shut out. I just can’t bring myself to speak to him about anything I go through. I feel like no none cares. This is my last attempt at trying to find someone who does. 

I wish I could fully trust someone. I wish I had someone that I could share every part of me with, but there isn't anyone.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Triggers and How I Deal With Them

Here’s the thing. Everyone’s got things that set them off, some people really hate bad drivers. Others cannot stand when someone walks purposefully slow on a busy sidewalk. I’m not really talking about these kinds of triggers though, more so the kind that make you unable to speak or move. The ones that stop you in your tracks and leave you broken for days. 

I’ve posted about NYR before, and this post is kind of going to be like the last, although less hopeful. 

This year up on the mountains went a little bit differently than last year. In the 365 days that passed i’ve gone through a plethora of changes. I’m not necessarily a completely new person parallel to the one I was just a mere 12 months before, but people perceive me in a new way. A worse one.

There was a lot more drama this year, a lot more crying, and a lot more learning.  Not really about God, but about myself. I know more about who I am, and just when I think I know it all, more avails itself. 

On the mountain something changed, visions of a time when an ex boyfriend of mine took advantage of me arose. I thought about it during a sermon and broke down. After that hearing his name, seeing his face (he was up on the mountain with me), broke me. My mind went blank and I couldn’t focus on anything but that night when he took that piece of me. 

it’s been like that for weeks since I got back from the trip. I can’t even stand to hear people talk about him, it pains me in a way that it never had previously. 

I don’t exactly know what happened or what made it affect me all of the sudden, almost 5 months later, it hadn’t plagued my mind up to that point.

As for how I dealt with it, I’m not sure that I did.

I cried, a lot. I hugged one of my close friends and sobbed until I felt less empty (which took a while).

In situations like these there’s not much you can do besides pray that your brokenness heals itself, and ask others for support and help. If you’re in a situation where you can tell someone, that is almost always the best thing to do. If however, you aren’t, i’m here for you and I'm sure a crap ton of your friends are too. Stay strong.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

What I’m Feeling and What I’m Planning On Doing About It

So lately life has been a rollercoaster. Not a good one. I’ve been juggling too many things at once, and it’s getting to me in more ways than one. 

I’ve been clean for months. since around last October, actually. However, recently I relapsed. There’s nothing I can do about it besides accept it, embrace it, and carry on. 

Quite recently I was told to completely forget one of the most life changing events in my life, because it was “best for me”. 

Let me tell you.

Trying to forget something 1) doesn’t change the fact that it happened and 2) won’t help you learn.

If you intentionally block something that you-or someone else- did, you’re going backwards. You aren’t growing and you aren’t accepting.

What i’m getting at is that if you want to move on and grow you have to accept that something happened, understand that it’s an important factor in helping you grow, and realize that bad things are going to happen and the worst thing you can do to yourself is refuse help.

I plan on just trying to accept that i’m an idiot sometimes and learn to deal with things better. things aren’t always going to go well for me and I know that, but I realize now more than ever, that calling yourself out for the dumb shit you do is really important sometimes. I’m not saying beat yourself up about your mistakes, but know that things will work out and you will be okay as long as you continue to strive to be a better person. Don’t block out your mistakes, learn from them. 

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak

[man-0n-the-m00n]

My Future and How I Stay Calm

So my future isn’t necessarily something set in stone, even in the slightest. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I’m interested in medicine, but I doubt i’d be able to handle it as a career. I’ve always been enticed by photography and art but I'm not passionate enough about either of them to truly make it in the industry. I love writing, but again, not quite passionate enough to pursue a career in it. I also am extremely interested in psychiatric care, however I doubt my ability to stay engaged and on track while enduring college.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I have absolutely nothing figured out. I mean, I know I want to be happy, but that’s literally it. All of the things i’ve previously listed make me incredibly happy, just not consistently. I have no routine in my life at all, everything changes all the time and I really don’t believe that I would handle a schedule very well at all. So that’s a big problem.

I like spontaneity. I also like freedom, and not being held down. This often causes problems with my relationships and pretty much everything else in my life. 

I know that my future will figure itself out and all I have to do is make sure I keep myself on track (which I'm trying really hard to do, it’s hard sometimes though).

Don’t rush yourself when you’re trying to figure things out. Things happen and not all of them are situations that you can control. Just do your best and I promise you, you will be just fine.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Now and How I Plan to Keep Going

So lately life hasn’t been so great. actually quite bad. My parents found out about my self harm and my family life has really just become me trying to survive. It’s always kind of been that way, and for a while it got better, but things are spiraling downwards once again. This school year has undoubtedly been in my top two worst years (only topped, for now, by last year). 

I have been struggling more with self harm than I ever have and my self esteem has also completely vanished. I’ve started to worry about my weight more than ever before, and i’ve been trying to unhealthily lose it all. My friendships have kind of faded. I’ve felt more alone than I ever have. I’m trying to figure out who I am and since i’ve started my relationship with that junior I talked about a couple months ago, i’ve been spending more time with him than my two best friends. I love them both, but I need more than one person to be there for me. 

I’ve realized over the past few days that I can’t have a friendship where jealousy overpowers enjoyment. It’s really hard to keep in touch when you’re never able to talk or hang out anymore. I noticed that I can’t maintain a close friendship, if my time with her relies on how my other friends feel about it. This meaning, I can’t worry about my other friend(s) getting jealous when I have alone time with one specific person. The same goes for me, I cannot let envy take me over when my best friend spends alone time with one of her best friends. 

I’ve been wanting to spend alone time with my friends and I haven't been doing it solely because I don't want to make the other mad.

I haven’t been able to contact my friends for the past few days for various reasons, and I hope this entices them both to contact me, through this platform specifically. 

I just thought i’d share what has been happening in my life an what I'm learning, stay safe and NEVER worry about making someone else jealous.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Validity and Wanting To Be Loved

Everyone wants to be loved; not necessarily by everyone, some just by a selected few. Being loved makes you feel like you're a part of something, almost everyone wants that. Feeling left out and unwanted are probably my two least favorite emotions (hopelessness being a close third).

Recently I've been getting myself into a lot of shit (recently as in 2018 in general). I’m ruining peoples lives because i don't know what the actual fuck I'm doing, hell, i don't even know what i want to do. 

Ive always known that everything crumbling around me is caused by my need to feel accepted and needed. I want people to want me, not really in a romantic way, just in general. I want to be important to someone, and a lot of time i feel like I'm not. 

Often times this is just me overreacting, i have a good amount of close friends and even a few best friends who are always there to support me. I somehow still feel isolated and by myself, its like were all on an island fighting the world together, then all of the sudden, out of the blue, i begin to float away. I leave the island and almost no one notices, and those who do just tell me to come back, which is really hard when you don't know how. 

I want everyone who reads this to know that you aren't alone, floating away from your island. I don't know how to get you to realize that, but people love you, and although they may not entirely understand what you're going through, a lot of them will put in genuine effort to help you get through whatever it is that you’re currently battling. They want you to be here an they want you in their lives. You don't have to continuously prove that you are worthy of love. Thats too much to expect of anyone. You being you is enough for anyone who will truly have a good impact on your life. 

You've got this.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Summer and How My Life Changed

For me, summer hasn't been that great. I’ve always loved this warm, bright, and hopeful season, except for some reason, this year wasn't quite the same.

My summer started out with being a tutor in summer school, I hung out with friends and I helped kids who were younger than me prepare for the next grueling school year, even though it was mostly messing around, we did learn (a little bit).

After summer school ended I was bored for a while. I was really looking forward to this trip my friend and I were going to be partaking in, called NYR. 

NYR is a campsite on a mountain in Colorado, US. Its a christian camp that takes place during the summer, thousands of kids and adults come from all over the nation to experience this amazing week long camp. Churches from multiples states gather a group of highschoolers who would like to witness the miracles that happen on that mountain. My group was pretty big, about 50 kids. 

My friend wasn't very excited about going, she was kind of only going because I was (which worked in her favor in the end)

The bus ride to NYR was 15-16 hours, i loved it. I loved seeing all of the cities and i loved watching the land change as we traveled through each state. I loved the lights and I listened to music the entire way there.

I don't know if I've spoken about this before but I have a history of self harm. I knew going on his 9 day trip, I would inevitably get an urge. So the day I was leaving, a couple hours before departure time, I cut. 

I regretted doing it immediately after i had made the choice. I bandaged it up and i left. That bus ride really was amazing but the slices on my thigh rubbing against my jean shorts, not so amazing.

I didn't really expect anyone to mention or speak of self harm at NYR so I wasn't too worried about it. I was wrong. They spoke a little bit about depression, anxiety, or cutting, each day. It wasn't just a brief recognition of it either. The sermons were deep. It started affecting me.

I had an awesome time in Colorado but I really didn't know if i could handle the thoughts that kept bombarding my mind and the feelings I was struggling to keep hidden.

I started becoming closer to a lot of acquaintances and distant friends. I was reconnecting with lost friendships. I started becoming closer to this sophomore I knew, who had been there for me in the past when I had been struggling with self harm, I was there for him as well. He didn't really know I was still struggling it, he had managed to overcome it. He talked to me one night, around midnight, we were sitting on a bench and looking at the trees and stars. I never knew such wise words could come out a 15 year olds mouth. I’d always known he was different, but that night, it really seemed like he knew the secret to everything.

I became closer to a senior, he had been my friend for a while but we were never really close. During the trip we ever got super close, but he helped make me happier and he helped me escape from reality for a little while. He was one of the things that made the trip amazing.

I also met a junior, I had known him but not very well. I barely remembered his name and had to ask someone else. He and I became really close. He was constantly by my side and he made me laugh, which is really important to me. I watched him grow closer to God throughout the course of that trip and it sort of inspired me too, in a way. He told me some intense things on that mountain, things that would connect us and later help us stay in touch and build a relationship. He made my week insanely better, he pulled me out of the dark hole that was my mind and he helped me learn to just live, even if he was struggling with doing that himself. He was one of the the two people who made NYR so amazing. 

The other is my best friend. She's been there for me for years and I couldn't have asked for someone better to come with me to that mountain. I watched her grow and change as a person. She was happy, and just seeing her happy made my experience 4380x better. 

What I'm getting at, is that when you have the opportunity, go somewhere. Meet someone. Do every fucking thing you possibly can, life is so short and there are so many things out there that will give you hope, even when you have none. They give you a reason to live. Now I'm not just promoting christianity, i don't think that the only way to live you life is through God. Thats your choice, but the fellowship and the sense of belonging I felt up in Colorado is something I will NEVER fucking forget. 

If and when you get the chance, go. Go anywhere. Go somewhere. 

(if you're not convinced to go to NYR yet, here are some things that might change ya mind)

i understand that no one will see this and those who do might not be able to go due to financial struggles, but im still putting this out there.

**************************************************

-white water rafting

-concert every morning and night

-fucking beautiful oh my god

-sports and shit, there are like tournaments idk its cool

-fuckin bomb food

-no judgement, fr

-you get to explore

-cool merch

-get away from your family

-meet new people

-become closer to friends and maybe god

-they don't make you do anything alone so less anxiety than expected

-you can go days without showering and no one notices

-canteen (food food food)

-golf carts

-fishing (if you're into that)

-THE LITERAL DEEPEST MESSAGES YOU WILL EVER HEAR THE STORIES ARE LIFE CHANGING AND PEOPLE CRY AND HUG LIKE EVERY NIGHT

-youre inspired and you leave feeling like you have a purpose

-you also get tan so thats cool

************************************************

-Fellie (I didn't read over this or correct any errors, idc if my writing suck you get the point.)

No ones going to see this, but for the sake of my internalized reputation, I am an avid atheist and really didn’t even believe in god at this time either. I’m just stupid.

[man-0n-the-m00n]

How To Accept Yourself and Why It’s So Important

I often lack appreciation for life and myself. It happens to everyone and it’s always hard, when you're in a hole it doesn't seem like theres any possible way out. I know the feeling. Sometimes you don't feel like you're worth it, or you feel like nothing is worth it, this happens to almost, if not, everyone. 

No matter how hopeless it may seem or feel, just know you're not seeing the whole picture. There’s more to life than you know or see. You will crawl out of this dark hole. The first thing you have to do is accept yourself, if you don't see yourself for who you are you won't be able to see anything for what it is. 

Love yourself. It’s okay to have certain aspects of yourself that you're hesitant to appreciate. We all go through it. Just promise me (and yourself) that you’ll have hope that you will make it through and that you will always persevere. 

This all seems like cheesy bullshit, you don’t have to tell me. I already know, but If you need someone to talk to I will always try my hardest to respond genuinely and helpfully. Take care.

- Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Hopelessness and How To Know It Gets Better

Sometimes life is shit, we all know it. Sometimes its shittier than other times. In those times it can start to feel like nothing is worth it. Theres no way to feel like anything is worth your time. Its all meaningless. 

I get it, it literally feels like you will never get better. Its like you don even know how; like you can't remember what it was like to be happy. 

I promise you, with time, you will grow and be able to overcome this. I believe in you. Keep going.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Gender, Sex, and My Problem With Assholes

So people can be assholes, we all know this. Most times there are valid reasons but sometimes, just sometimes, their reasoning is quite, oh I don’t know, fucking stupid.

You’d think that if you had an opinion about something controversial (even though a persons emotions arent controversial) you would keep it to yourself unless you are asked about it, to keep from causing problems with people who believe differently, however, a large amount of people don’t understand this revolutionary concept.

Now think about that and compare it to the lgbt+ community, which is completely valid and not controversial in any sense of the word. I say this because feelings cannot be invalidated. (no offense but fuck you if you think otherwise)

Let’s take gender and the lgbtqa+ community. There are so many amazing things about this alliance but for some reason, some people have an issue with it, now I know there are “reasons” and in some people’s opinions they are perfectly logical and valid ones, but this does not mean you have the right to step out of your area of expertise to lecture someone on theirs.

Everyone is different, there aren’t specific boxes or categories someone has to fit in to be relevant. Don’t push people to fit your standards, I hate to break this to you, but they weren’t made to please you. It’s honestly sick how many people are against people being themselves, I don’t care if you think they’re just trying to get attention, I don’t care if you think they’re insane. I don’t give a F U C K if you think they’re ruining humanity by being themselves, you know why? Because if you are conceited enough to scrutinize and humiliate a person without actually looking into what the fuck they’re talking about, you’re the one ruining humanity my friend.

I know this may come off as bitchy, but I can assure you, I don’t give a single fuck. This needs to be said. I didn’t even cover all of it. I didn’t even bring up religion, conflict and confusion, and all the other shitty reasons people believe make a person’s identity invalid. It’s crazy how stupid we can be, really, I’m awestruck.

(If you support and/or respect people in the lbgt+ community I’m not aiming this at you and I’m sorry you had to read this very angry rant, have a good day)

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Jobs and The Fear Of Growing Up

I am an extremely ambitious child, I dream of being a trauma surgeon. I love the idea of being a renowned surgeon, I love the urgency. I love hospitals and the energy and excitement; it seems kind of strange, but i’m really into it. 

Sometimes, I get down on myself though, I don't feel good enough to achieve my dreams. I’m also not really completely sure I won't change my mind about what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I’m just not sure about anything.

I just wanted to remind anyone who sees this that you don't have to know, you’ll figure it out. There’s no pressure, don't worry about it; it happens on it’s own, I promise.

[man-0n-the-m00n]

DLTFBRYL and What It Means

Don’t let the fake bitches run your life. This is a saying I have lived by for about a year and a half, now that being said, I shall explain where I got it (cause you’ve gotta give credit where credit is due).

A long long time ago I was in a short-lived phase where I was deeply engulfed in making new friends, I had tried making irl friends but that wasn't going very well so I ventured to the beautiful interweb.

I went on sites like omegle and stranger meet up (bad idea, I do NOT recommend this). I met several people and none of them have chosen to stay in contact with me since, except this guy, Vince (we don't talk anymore, but we did for a couple months which is a big deal for me lmao).

We talked about the stars and the universe and so many other cool things, but on the last day he said the phrase ”DLTFBRYL”. I was very confused so I asked what it meant and when I was told I was so fucking shook. I know it’s really not groundbreaking advice but, for me, someone who literally doesn't know who to say no, it meant a lot. 

This was the first step in teaching me that I meant a lot more than I realized, I was important and I deserved happiness just as much as everyone else. I shouldn't let people walk all over me and use me, like I had been doing for eternity up to that point.

Now I am by no means fully abiding by this holy rule, I do sometimes let people trample on me but it’s a lot less frequent than before, and I’m definitely not done trying to respect myself completely.

never let people pressure you into something you shouldn't do, don't want to do, or something you physically can't do. You deserve the world, don't ever think otherwise. Stay strong, be you, and don't let the fake bitches run your life.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

School and My Summer Plans

I, Fellie, am an extremely boring person, however this summer I have ventured out of the literal cave that is my room, and have signed up for many different activities. I’ve decided to become involved with several camps and I’m also a tutor in the Summer School program at our school. This is a huge step for me, considering I never volunteer for anything, ever.

This is great and all and I am extremely grateful to be able to partake in these wonderful opportunities, but it leaves me less time to explore myself this summer. I was hoping this year I would get to have a whole summer without worry and stress. Just relaxing and tanning, hanging out with friends, typical teenager things I guess. I’m kind of scared I won't be able to do that. I know I will, and honestly I don't know what id do with the entire summer to myself, that would be terrible in reality. It just seems like everyones growing up so so quickly and I feel like that child who gets forgotten in the grocery store (bad analogy, don't have to tell me lmao). I just want to be able to be a kid.

I want to live life to its fullest before I actually have to be an adult. Right now I'm still fairly young, I just need to forget about what everyone else is doing and do me. Don’t let society mold you into an adult faster than it has to.

With all of the volunteer work and my new found busy schedule I feel like I have a purpose, which is great, but I also feel like if I make a mistake I will be letting hundreds of people down. 

Let me tell you right now, people are going to judge you no matter what you do, and you probably already know what they’re going to say. People are assholes. Just be yourself. It will make you so much happier in the long run, and whatever you do, don’t let yourself lose the part of you that makes everything feel fun and new. Don’t let them make you grow up.

-Fellie (I have a lot more to say on this topic, the next post will be titled DLTFBRYL)

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Relationships and My Love Life (as of current)

Currently, I have a “boyfriend”. Were not really official, but were definitely a “thing” you know? His names Ryan. We’ve been talking for about 2 months and we both really like each other. He gives me food like twice a week before school starts (it literally melts my heart every time). 

Anyway, now that i’ve stated some boring facts, let’s talk about my past relationships.

I have quite a history with fuckboys. I always know what i’m getting myself into, I just have too much faith in myself. I justify dating douchebags with the comfort that i’ll “handle that problem when I come to it”. This can be the right lifestyle for some people, but NOT ME.

I handle the problems and I always leave the situation with a “well this was a mistake, i’ll learn from it”, kind of attitude, and I really like this about myself. When it comes to the logical aspect of relationships, I know what i’m doing and how to correctly judge situations.

Almost everyone I’ve dated had a lesson behind it. Today i’m going to start with Lane, this was a very short relationship and it was years ago. I didn’t know what I was doing.

This was my main problem.

I said things I didn’t mean and I hurt him, He was such a nice dude, especially to me. He was head over heels for me and I didn’t even really like him that much. I lead him on almost the entire time. 

Never get into relationships without knowing what you want out of it, if you don't know who you are you won't be able to treat the other person right. It’ll end up hurting one of you.

Be careful, don’t let people peer pressure you into growing up.

-Fellie

[man-0n-the-m00n]

Working On Myself and Finding A Purpose (to be continued)

I’ve never really known who I am, tbh if i think about it too much, I don’t even feel real. I think it’s important to find yourself, find your place in the world you know? When you know who you are it’s easier to know where you fit in.

At the beginning of my 8th grade year I wanted to start to figure out who I was and where I fit. I haven’t really actively pursued it but I plan to this summer.

You don't have to know who you are to be happy, i’m content without knowing my place in the world, but I think i’d feel more fulfilled if I did; so i’m going to start searching again. Actually looking. 

This summer, i’m going to try to do things i’ve been scared to do. Wish me luck.

-Fellie