#also i have health issues that make exercise hard sometimes

[firefirevampire]

Do you all have any childhood dreams that you still wish you would have pursued? Put them in the tags

[johannestevans]

i've been listening to a lot more fat liberationist stuff recently and like...

so obvs i already had some backing in a lot of the basic theory, stuff like institutional anti-fatness in medicine, fashion, travel, etc, but like

so as a really thin guy who's always found it impossible to gain weight, its been unbelievably emotionally and mentally liberating to hear people talking really casually about the disability that's associated with thinness

so like being really thin, you lack additional joint and bone support - if you fall, you have less padding and less STRUCTURE to protect your bones from breaks and fractures, right?

obvs theres plenty of fat people that do have issues with bones and joints, im not saying thsres not, its just that normally i feel like im the lone person saying "being this thin is bad for me and is part of various health problems i also have"

and idk its just like. my whole life i was such a sickly child lmao

like i couldnt stand for long periods except "long period" would often be like. any period. i didnt understand how my peers were just standing for so long and just weathering that, bc to me it wasnt possible at all - i breathed badly, my joints were fucked etc

and looking back and realising as i get more disabled like the extent to which i was similarly disabled in my youth, and how i lacked the language to verbalise or sometimes even recognise my own pain and struggle

but also like

the treatment of me as so evil and lazy because i wasn't exercising, or because like. a PE teacher would pick me out as an example because i was so thin, and then be furious that i wasn't remotely physically fit, and that i was disabled

i remember multiple times esp from cis female teachers just. frothing rage at my diet and the things i ate, or when i wrinkled my nose at talk about diets, bc i was so thin so i had to be doing The Right Things, and if i was that thin and doing bad things i had to be punished

and its bc a lot of these ppl thought of fatness and being fat as a punishment, a target for abuse that people deserved, and bc i was a young disabled trans guy like. i deserved punishment for my laziness and nonconformity, and it became a lot about my weight

like expressing that i wanted to gain weight, that i was cold all the time, that i had no energy etc, that eating was hard but that i enjoyed food, all of that was met with such fuckin aggression and really sharp policing, esp from PE teachers and esp from women

and obvs all that is to do with the way that diet culture particularly targets women and those perceived as women, and the desire to engage in lateral violence to police others into complying with gender roles etc as they were upholding them

but idk like. fat liberationist politics is imo inherently tied up with disability liberation, because of the way that "health" is weaponised as a symbol of being good or deserving, and how fatness and disability are both used as targets and symbols of evil and punishment

MOST OF ALL for fat & disabled people

but for nondisabled fat people disability is often threatened as punishment - if you don't become less fat, you'll (deserve to) become disabled

and for disabled thin people, if you don't act less disabled, you'll (deserve to) become fat

and its not a punishment to be fat or disabled or sick. its just how some people are. its not BAD to be this way - and what makes things hard for us is not something inherent to the badness of our bodies, but instead the lack of kindness and accommodation anybody is willing to extend to them

[pizzagame4000]

NOISETTE THEMED DOODLE DUMP ft. cheesecake and the spouses

copious hazel headcanons under the cut because i can’t help myself

first off: her name is Hazel 👍🏻 ik that’s a common one but it’s literally perfect… canon info to me

her favorite thing to do, besides making experimental food, is actually exercising! she’s an incredibly skilled acrobat and stunt artist, so she needs to be fit for that, but she also just enjoys letting the excess energy out bc she gets really cranky otherwise. she’s toned af and could wipe the floor with you - she doesn’t go around picking fights for no good reason, but if she did… heehee

she has such an unending well of passion for all of her interests that some find her to be too much but she dgaf… she’s unabashedly autistic and does NOT care if you don’t want to hear her infodump about obscure cheeseslime genetics, she will do it anyways

i like to think that, although she is very bubbly, she has an insane morbid streak that catches people off guard. she loves talking about anatomy and gross-out subjects to anyone who can stomach it, and cracks the most fucked up jokes - it’s one of the reasons her and noise get along so well. she is thinking about blood and guts because she thinks it’s interesting!!!! she will give you hyperspecific graphic threats of violence if you make her mad!!! teehee!!

i would put her at like… chaotic neutral but leaning towards good. she has an almost scientific fascination with violence and seeing what kinds of stress a body can take, and doesn’t mind watching shit unfold instead of helping… unless something actually super fucked up is going on (like way past canon typical pizza tower violence), she’s not going to bat for you lol she’s gonna grab a camera and clipboard

her interest in anatomy branches out into a love for biology, medicine and health in general - as much as she loves watching her boyfriend beat the shit out of some chump on live tv, she also loves studying how different creatures work and how to treat injuries. she almost became a doctor! but she didn’t like the rigid schedule and pressure, so she fostered her interest in dance and gymnastics, and went into television as a stunt double instead. that’s actually how she met noise! that’s why they look so much alike - she was told to inquire NTV for a job because of the resemblance. noise thought she was so cool she was asked to be his co-star instead, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.

sometimes she gets tired of the noisette persona, but she does genuinely like theo, so it’s hard. she’s been more busy with this NTV gig (that’s looking more like a full blown career) than she would like, so that’s why she opened her cafe - to do something else for once dammit!! she likes weird shit, food included!!!

i have two shipping scenarios i like, so consider these parallel universes - hazel x vigi, and hazel x vigi x noise

if you don’t like negative takes on the noise relationship i’d recommend skipping to 2 ^_^

1. her relationship with noise deteriorates bc noise can’t accept the fact that hazel doesn’t wanna be noisette all the time! they’re so busy, he barely even makes time for her anymore - he barely even tolerates her! it’s not until vigi comes into the picture that she realizes she doesn’t have to deal w that mess. but it sucks cuz noise isn’t just her bf, but also like!!! a big part of her career!!! and she does genuinely love him but he’s just!!! an uncommunicative ass!!! it culminates in hazel leaving him and crashing at vigi’s farm because fuck it, it’s her life she does what she wants. she will kiss the cheese AND rebuild her tv career, on her own terms this time baybee

2. noise and hazel still have that issue but they actually communicate like adults and fix their relationship problems, so none of that shit happens! happy ending! hazel has her own life and theo actually lets his gf know he loves her! woah! enter vigi, in: “we saw you across the bar and we really dig your vibe…” imagining vigi as a third to hazel and theo, completely out of his depth but too bisexual to care, is SO funny to me lol… like hazel and him are probably the only two together at first but over time he and theo warm up to each other more (gay intent) and it’s perfect

[bi-the-wei]

Random thoughts about my weight

Im a heavier gal. (Full disclosure about 240lb currently) I am working on getting more vegetables and exercise in my life, but for the foreseeable future Im still gonna be a heavier gal.

Im gonna look heavy no matter what i wear.

So im gonna wear what i like. Hiding my arms doesn't make them look thinner

This is something ive lived by for the past few years and honestly, while its hard at first to fight the instinct to hide my arms or legs or whatever, once you stop it feels so much better.

Also i still have the instinct to explain why im heavy, like that makes a difference if ive had health issues or some "reasonable explination" makes it more excusable to be the weight i am when in reality no one should ever have to explain themselves for something like that. Regardless of the reason im fat, I deserve basic human respect without excuses.

Which brings me to the fat positivity thing. To me it's never been about wanting to be fat or fat being healthy or unhealthy or whatever. Its about it doesnt matter if you're healthy or not you still deserve to be treated well and with dignity.

I remember my friends laughing at a girl who rode her bike in our neighborhood all the time because "youd think shed be skinnier with all that biking" which is just utter nonsense. I didnt speak up then when i should have but i still think about it often. The girl wasnt even big. I have no idea what their problem was.

But how do you expect someone to even get exercise when theyre larger when you laugh at them when they try? Make it make sense it doesn't

Just like idk

Let people live? And leave them alone? Treat people with basic respect?

I dont generally feel any particular WAY about my weight, its just there, but sometimes i do concider it and get mad on my blubber belly's behalf.

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

Your Physical Glow Up 

Most of us when trying to level up are very excited to work on the physical aspect. I know I am. I'm excited about finally getting my dream body, skin, and hair. I have been working so hard this month on being intentional with my habits so I can attain my goals. So in today's blog post, I want to break down the things you should focus on to enhance your physical appearance I will be making more in-detail blog posts about each point<3.

Diet 

This is the most important thing to me that we should all focus on whether you are trying to lose, gain, or maintain weight. Your diet can affect a lot. Having a bad diet can affect your gut health causing uncomfortable bloating it can affect your skin giving you bad acne and so many other issues. Depending on your goal try to find a diet that best fits what you're going for. I recommend eating a balanced diet and not limiting or restricting any food. Watch YouTube videos and read books on proper nutrition. Also, find out how many calories you should be eating daily on TDEE calculators. Always consult your doctor especially if you have medical issues. Always consult your doctor especially if you have medical issues. WATER I know some girlies aren’t big fans of water lol but you need water! I wish I could put a bigger emphasis on the need for water it's a must especially when it comes to your skin and overall body health. If you don't like drinking water you can put lemons or other fruits in your water. My favorite item to use to give my water a boost of flavor is flavored packets they sell them every where and they are very low in calories ranging from 0-10 Cals. Finally, your gut health I know you have been hearing about this all over tik tok this topic is so deep ill be making a separate post for it but yes gut health is so important it can affect our physical appearance causing us to look bloated or inflamed. So do your research on how to improve your gut health and expect a post soon <3.

Exercise 

Get your body moving babe! Exercise can be fun find a form of exercise that makes you feel good and that you enjoy. I think the reason why a lot of us do not enjoy working out is because we are doing what everyone else is doing instead of doing what makes us happy. Some people might love HIIT workouts and you might like something more low-impact like pilates and the next girl could like walking 5 miles every day. Figure out what best suits you dibble and dabble in different forms of exercise. And yes I know sometimes we will have to do exercise we don’t like to get a certain look I recently started weight training at first I did not like it but now I love ittt! It makes me feel so good and I have been seeing results and the more results I see the harder I want to go in the gym. Also, you do not have to pay for memberships to be able to do pilates and yoga YouTube has a lot of amazing women who will get you right. So look at your goals figure out what aligns with them and be consistent.

Rest

Sleep is very important and the most overlooked. You need to get at least 7 hours of sleep every night. Start training your body to sleep more no more late nights. Of course, staying up here and there is understandable but you shouldn’t be staying up and going to sleep by 3 am every single day. Take it easy allow yourself to rest! Do not overwork yourself to achieve your goals. With patience, you will reach your goals in the blink of an eye, and you’ll be where you want to be.

Skincare 

First figure out what skincare type you have and the type of products that are best for your skin. I have hyperpigmentation and dark spots it's not extremely bad but I do not like it and would like my skin to be one color and clear. So I did some research on what I could try to get the skin that I wanted. I recently started using Kojic acid, Cosrx, MediCube, and Neutrogena. Also, sunscreen is important for all of us to use. I'm a black girl if you haven't realized yet lol but growing up I heard black people do not need sunscreen yesss we do! I recently started getting into anti-aging skin care as well still doing my research. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be youthful you can't stop aging but you can slow it down.

These were the basic things to focus on when trying to physically level up if you want me to go more in-depth let me know. I'll be making posts on each separately over the next couple of weeks.

I'm open to any comments or private messages if you can relate and please let me know any further topics you want me to cover<3

[astroscientia]

🌊Astrological Observations: Part 4🌊

Hard Neptune transits (square, opposition, conjunction) can cause health issues, especially if it is aspecting your natal Mercury, Moon, or Sun. For example, when Neptune touched my Moon last year, I caught a virus that wrecked my immune system for months.

Neptune-Sun transits weaken the body to infections, viruses, and bruising while reducing our ability to see through other people's deception.

The sign in the 6th house indicates the type of health issues people might have. Having Leo in the 6th could indicate heart issues, for example.

Having Neptune-Sun aspects in the natal chart could also indicate the father's absence either through illness, substance abuse, working abroad, death, abandonment, etc. These natives and 12th house suns feel like their power was taken from them and that they cannot change the course of things. As such, they learn to be passive in life. If they have more cardinal placements, they might experience a need to overcompensate for an inner sense of feeling powerless and helpless.

Hard Saturn-Mars or Pluto-Mars aspects can indicate violence. They usually need to exercise or healthily express their frustrations; otherwise, they risk becoming abusive. After years of bottling up their emotions, they're prone to harsh and intense rages.

Since Mars represents our ability to defend ourselves, survive, and feel vivacious, having Saturn in a harsh aspect with Mars can indicate that a person fails or is too terrified of defending oneself. They subconsciously accept that they will fail at holding their ground. With time, this creates a lot of frustration from feeling like they are constantly being stepped on. As a result, these natives overcompensate by self-asserting themselves in the wrong situations and in the wrong manner.

Saturn-Mars natives may also scare themselves out of any competitive situation even though they can succeed. Their belief in their own impotence and powerlessness makes them self-sabotage and detail themselves in competitive situations. Their life lesson is to be disciplined and self-assess their abilities properly so that they can enter any situation confidently. They need to learn, through repetition, how to be courageous.

Hard Mars-ASC aspects indicate lots of accidents and head injuries in youth. These people usually have scars on their bodies from surgeries or accidents.

Usually, when Pluto touches a part of the chart, secrets are involved. Pluto-Mercury means knowing the secrets of your friends, cousins, siblings, or local environment. Pluto-Venus indicates issues around secret love affairs or money.

Interestingly, I noticed that Pluto-Mercury or Pluto in the 11th house can indicate being sexualized by your friends or having a sexual relationship with them.

Having Sun-Mercury-Pluto aspects is an indicator of debilitating intrusive thoughts. It can create over-identification with one's thoughts while feeling like your mind is your enemy.

Sun-Mercury alone can mean that your intellect and communication skills are your source of pride, esteem, and achievements.

Saturn-Mercury natives feel like they must think 100 times before speaking because of their immense fear of humiliation. This placement, along with Saturn in the 3rd or 9th, is a big sign of feeling ashamed of how one communicates their ideas and identity.

Also, Saturn-Mercury aspects and a retrograde Mercury can make the person avoid doing exams or forget all their knowledge during exams because of their anxiety. This placement can also indicate a speech impediment.

Uranus-Mercury natives are usually incredibly intelligent, and their processing speed is phenomenal. They can catch and retain information quickly and with minimal effort, unlike Saturn-Mercury natives who need to drill the information into their heads agonizingly.

Jupiter-Mercury individuals are usually intelligent but sometimes incoherent and imprecise with their communication. They also struggle with synthesizing information. They are better researchers than they are articulators because they cannot focus on the information that they have except with a lot of effort. They're the type of teacher or professor with much information but are not very organized.

Thank you for reading!

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[grison-in-space]

"that ability to just modify your perspective and step into the context someone else is wrestling with and listen, that's such an upsettingly rare skill for knowledge workers and healthcare workers... if you ask people why they're struggling, you can fix it and build a better process!"

You might be interested to know that when I was in pharmacy school, those patient interviewing skills mentioned by you and clockworkcrow in that reblog chain about provider burnout were taught to us as a set of techniques known as "motivational interviewing." It's not really in the scope of the personal vs systemic interventions that that reblog chain is about, but one of the revelational takeaways that I got from learning them was the idea that the healthcare provider cannot assume that their goals for care line up with the patient's; sometimes, the patient really doesn't care about the treatment or its outcomes because they have different goals of care in mind, and eliciting those goals during interviewing (because a lot of the time people are not at all articulate about what they want out of life) is a kind of ongoing step one.

I'm also curious if you or the MDs in this discussion have ever encountered ambulatory care pharmacists practicing the approaches that clockworkcrow talks about? I ask because listening to patients, identifying patient-specific blocks to care, and addressing them was something we were taught to do in pharmacy school (because our program pushed us toward ambulatory care). But since I didn't go into ambcare after graduating, I'm unsure both how much of an impact it has/how widespread such practices actually are, and whether ambcare practitioners actually, on the whole, put their money where the educators' mouths are. Can ambcare clinics actually make a systemic difference?

Oh! I had no idea they taught y'all those skills, but then I don't actually think I've ever had a conversation with a pharmacist about meds beyond a perfunctory question about whether I know what side effects there are. In general I am not used to pharmacists, doctors, or other medical professionals like psychiatrists taking a lot of time to really listen to me. Some of that is probably that all my main health complaints are things that feel normal to me and some is probably that I am a chronic minimizer--like I said in that discussion, it's a coping method.

I have never heard the term "ambulatory care" -- oh, it's outpatient care. Yeah, okay, let's use a specific physical issue: I can't run for more than about two to three without finding myself unable to breathe. This has been a thing for essentially my entire life, and in middle school we did running with heart monitors, so even apart from the physical experience of not being able to breathe and having to stop and take great heaving breaths of air, I was aware that objectively my heart rate was going up very fast no matter how hard I tried.

(We are talking "run until you start getting black spots in your vision, then walk until you can just barely breathe again, and then run, rinse and repeat. Literally the only kid slower than me was excused entirely from running because one leg was an inch shorter than the other.) No one around me seemed to think there was anything unusual about this or that I was anything besides just physically lazy, so I kind of wrote it off until my mid twenties. I mean, I'd been visibly struggling with extended physical exercise my whole life, and no one had called it remarkable yet, but friends were telling me it wasn't normal to experience those kinds of breathing issues, so...

I presented myself with this complaint to a nurse practitioner who basically told me I was just fat and needed to exercise more. I pushed past this and was grudgingly scheduled for an ecg (normal) and a peak flow test (astoundingly poor). There was no explanation presented for the peak flow except that I was out of shape and needed (guess what?) more exercise. Tried a pulmonologist, who confirmed it was not exercise induced asthma (which I had been sort of hoping, because there are fixes for that) and told me I was basically fine.

I more or less gave up until a dentist idly mentioned that my airway was very, very small and told me that micrognathia was something I should look into: my airways might be occluded. So I went to an ENT, who also immediately tried to tell me I was basically fine but did grudgingly agree to scope my airways... and discovered major blockages from my tongue (insufficient room in my jaw, so it gets shoved backwards over the airway), my nasal turbinates (swollen almost completely shut), and I forget what else. It was incredibly exciting to have a reason.

Okay, I say, what do I do with this? Exercise more? But I want to do that, I just can't breathe. I was aware that there is a surgery to artificially extend the jaw; it involves breaking the jaw and encouraging it to heal while maintaining space between the halves. So I brought this up. He was very dubious about this. I asked for a referral anyway and was referred to a plastic surgeon. The surgeon was perplexed by what I wanted to talk about and had clearly expected me to have come in for a cosmetic procedure like a nose job. Eventually I got too exhausted to follow up further; I've been meaning to resume this thing for like six years now.

Generally, my experience of doctors is that they have been trained to be suspicious of patient accounts that don't fit a very specific narrative, and that they are impatient to get on to the next thing unless you are very proactive about your own care. If you don't have a condition in mind that you can point them at without making them decide you're med seeking, they are quick to tell you that you are just making things up in your head. There are a few exceptions but I cannot underscore enough how rare I have found them to be.

And they will all tell you to exercise and lose weight as a first line of response. Not that I'm bitter.

Now, actually working in healthcare, @scientia-rex or @clockworkcrow might have more relevant commentaries than I do. But my experience in this field has not been, to put it mildly, great. Let's not even talk about my history of psychiatric care.

[oseberg-shipper]

I wish I could explain to other disabled people and to doctors how exercise works for me, so that doctors could do a better job of helping people get exercise and other disabled folks could use exercise the way I have if it works for them.

Cause the way exercise has been explained and sold to me my entire life has not worked for me at all. But the way I'm exercising now really helps.

I have EDS, degenerative disc disease, spinal nerve damage from Cauda Equina Syndrome, endometriosis, and many other issues. I used to laugh at people when they told me exercise would help. All I ever did trying to exercise was hurt my body and my feelings. I got repetitive stress injuries at the drop of a hat, so as soon as I'd established any kind of routine, I'd hurt myself and be unable to exercise, and then I'd lost my groove and just felt terrible and guilty about it.

Exercise was sold to me as the least I could do to buy my right to exist as a fat cripple.

Last year, I had a lull in active health disasters, and I was worried about becoming so deconditioned that I'd catastrophically injure my back again. So I started a walking program under the guidance of my PT, who knows about EDS. She helped me get fitted with walking sticks to keep my form and give me more of a whole body exercise. She also showed me how to walk. I went to a great little medical shoe shop and got two pairs of sneakers and orthotics fitted by a butch.

I started with 15 minutes of walking, and .25 miles of walking, every other day. I didn't have to do anything else, just on the day it said, walk either 15 min or .25 miles based on what it said on my paper. Eventually, in a few months, I got up to a reliable 3 miles/1 hour walk. I saw the river in all the seasons. I felt the wind on my face and the rain and the sun. I bought exercise clothes and suited up, even for short walks, to make sure my parts all stayed where they should be.

The hardest part was not going ham. Not extending my walk, not going further and faster. The second hardest thing was getting back on the horse when a flare or injury made me take more rest. Also, the distances I was doing were actually too much. My legs hurt all the time and I had to take meds to help with the pain sometimes.

Then, this mystery stomach problem I have started. Intense epigastric pain and vomiting. I had to stop exercising because I was simply not taking in enough nutrition to be safe.

Once I got the vomiting under control, and was able to consume more calories and especially protein, I got back out there. Now, as long as I'm not desperately ill, I walk 1 mile around my neighborhood with my sticks. My back feels better while I'm walking. When I skip a day, my back hurts more. My bowels move better when I walk. Essentially, I've gotten my body physically dependent on exercise. Because that's what our bodies evolved to do, and we offloaded some things like digestion onto the assumption that we'd be moving our bodies.

I hate hate hate the way we talk about exercise in this culture, because it's denying people in pain a tool that could really help them, by wrapping it all up in this horrifying morality play.

I wish there were apps out there for folks like us, that encourage you to exercise but don't link stuff to shame or weight and don't punish you for taking time to recover or prioritize other things. Because it was really really hard to get into exercise and I had to spend a lot of time doing something I really really didn't enjoy, that stole spoons from me, before getting to a point of fitness that allowed me to actually benefit.

[raideo]

Bruh ...... let me tell you, I actually started paying attention to my nutrition intake and I was not eating as healthy as I thought I was like goddamn...

I mean the things I was eating WERE healthy but like, the pacing/frequency of food intake, ratio of macronutrients and micronutrients were completely and utterly fucked six ways from Sunday, I had no idea my diet was so screwed up and thats why I felt like I was DYING ALL THE TIME!!!!!! BECAUSE I KINDA FUCKIN WAS, LMAO!!!!!

I feel like a whole different person this is the best thing ive ever done for myself omg

If you feel like shit all the time please consider getting a nutrition tracking app and DONT!!! DO IT FOR WEIGHT LOSS!!! THAT SHOULD NOT BE YOUR GOAL UNLESS YOU NEED TO FOR HEALTH REASONS, Just do it with the goal of trying to get the macro/micronutrients you should be getting and oh my god it will make such a difference if your diet is unbalanced I promise you.

I was not getting nearly enough protein or fiber before omfg. No wonder i could exercise as much as i wanted and i never seemed to get stronger and i always fucking hurt all the time! Jesus christ!!! 🤦‍♂️ i feel so stupid but also I cannot be the only one who struggles with this PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BALANCE YALLS DIETS

Also extra note about the fiber- if you get very little you should not go straight to getting the full recommended amount you will have a BAD TIME. Im glad I knew about this already and did not have to learn it the hard way. You gotta give your body days or sometimes weeks to adjust to increasing it, because gut bacteria is responsible for helping you digest that stuff and if you don't have enough they cannot handle a large amount- you gotta give them time to multiply 👍 (i cant believe my fish tank cycling knowledge applies to my own human body this shit is wild)

Anyway nutritional education in this country is fucked so bad, overhauling my diet has only made me more angry that shit is so expensive and school/workplace culture is so hostile to you snacking often like you should be. How the fuck is a person supposed to get the nutrients they're supposed to to fuel their body and brains when they're only allowed to eat once like every 6-10 hours?! Im so glad my job doesn't have an issue with me constantly snacking on stuff because it's extremely physical and I have come to realize it's quite literally imperative to my body's optimal function that I have that.

🪓 capitalism die

[lost-spoons]

Hi.

My younger sibling (15) was just diagnosed with VCD, after years of struggling with an inability to breathe we thought had to do with their chronic asthma. They're really struggling, because their speech pathologist has banned them from soft drinks, caffeine, yelling, and singing loudly, the last two hitting them especially hard because the only two things they really enjoy doing are singing loudly as a stress reliever and taekwondo (black belt!! instructor until they had to drop out because breathing issues), which requires near constant yelling. They're really upset, and I guess my question is just is there anything I can do to help? I feel really helpless and hate seeing them struggle like this. their mental health is already not the best, with their depression and anxiety disorder getting a lot worse since dropping taekwondo. I wanted to ask someone whose been dealing with VCD for longer.

Hey there.

First off, congratulations to them on receiving the diagnosis. It sucks, but knowing what's wrong is always helpful as it makes it easier to find the lists of do's and don't's so they don't have to find them firsthand at random moments. I'm honestly not sure how much help I can be. I've technically only had the diagnosis for a year or two, but have been dealing with it since 2018 or 2019.

I think it's great that you want to help, and I'm happy to help you help your sibling, but I have two rules when it comes to people helping those with medical issues:

1) Their medical issues aren't about you. I don't mean that rudely or negatively. Like I said, I think it's great you want to help, and I am in no way trying to belittle your feelings because your feelings are valid, but your sibling's medical issues are first and foremost about how they feel, not you. Some people like receiving help, and some like their independence/doing things themself. Sometimes helping is seen as hovering, and giving them space to be independent is seen as isolation or abandonment. I'll trust you to know which one your younger sibling is, and how best to handle that.

2) Don't assume anything. Communicate with each other. I have an older and younger sibling so I know that you both love and annoy each other, but adding medical issues to the dynamic can cause issues, so communicating with each other is the best advice I can give.

With that said, here's the information I got.

VCD is annoying as hell and can be very frustrating, especially as time goes on. You have to limit yourself because your body has given you a new, smaller limit of abilities, and it's hard to follow those. This will cause a spiral of some sort. Usually into anger or depression, unless they've got 'lucky' and are neurodivergent/mentally-ill in the way that they, don't process emotions properly. I'm 'lucky' so I don't feel those things, other than being horribly annoyed, but if your sibling isn't 'lucky', as it sounds like they aren't, help them out of the spiral. Introduce them to a new hobby. Maybe a joint hobby you can both do, maybe a hobby they can do on their own. See if you can get them a companion, a fish, a lizard, a cat, a dog, just something else to focus on. Distractions are great, but it's a balancing act. You can't ignore the issue, incorporate things they need as accommodations into your normal day, but don't point out the accommodations unless they ask or talk about them.

Being mindful is really the best thing you can do.

My suggestion for them is to look up ways to KT-tape to reduce strain on their voice box. Another two are blowing raspberries (buzzing your lips) while going up and down the vocal scale, and blowing bubbles in water while humming. The two exercises use physics against you to help strengthen the voice box, and could also be a temp replacement for singing.

I love the well-deserved, subtle bragging, but am unsure what to do about the no yelling issue that limits them from teaching. I also don't know anything about taekwondo, other than it is an activity that requires a lot of discipline, so would it be possible for the kids/students to accommodate your sibling by being quieter or pausing for instructions so your sibling doesn't have to yell to teach?

If they want someone to relate to, here you go:

I've had VCD for around 6 years, and only 1 or 2 of those years have been with the diagnosis. At first, they thought it was just my asthma acting up. The fact that I have the cough variant of asthma did not help at all. My breathing doctor overmedicated me and I ended up in the hospital for a weekend stay. I've done the breathing tests that make you lightheaded, make your chest hurt, and set off your asthma. I've done those tests repeatedly. I've had the camera slid down my nose to see my vocal cords multiple times, with the first doctor saying everything looks fine and sending me to neuro, which I've learned, is often the doctor before they send you to psychic.

I've also had to cut carbonated drinks out, almost completely. The only one I still drink is ginger beer, not the sweet sugary stuff, but the strong spicy real ginger ones in bottles that do look like beer. It's good for upset stomachs and nausea so I drink it every once in a while. I've switched to decaf coffee and have limited my caffeinated teas and chocolate consumption. Key word, limited, not cut out. I still eat and drink stuff I technically shouldn't, but I'm prepared to offer every once in a while. I also can't actually speak more than a handful of strained words a day, because my VCD causes my subconscious to use my false vocal cords instead of my true vocal cords, which is very bad in the long term, so there's definitely no singing or yelling for me either.

[shytastemakerthing]

If its alright, can I have a TWST matchup? Romantic and platonic if possible pls! Sorry if I overdid it I got a little anxious about what to put lol. Take your time and make sure to take care of yourself. 💙

I am about 5'6 with chest length brown hair that I am growing it out so I can do hairstyles with my sister. I'm nearsighted plus see double so I wear glasses. I have eczema on my arms. I am around 120 pounds and prefer wearing soft baggy gender neutral clothing. I normally look a tamed mess now a days cuz I'm at home 24/7 taking care of my grandma, but when going out I try to look "presentable".

I'm a Scorpio and my MBTI is INFJ-T. I am autistic so how I interact with people varies. Around people I don't really know I'm really quiet and polite, but towards people I don't like I tend to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy. I've had a few friends say that I'm terrifing when pissed off or if someone is being bigoted. I do know that I'm pretty quick to start a fight verbal or physical if my friends are being messed with. I do like to tease my family and friends a lot, but if I see I'm getting close to a boundary I try to pull back. With loved ones I'm overall just more comfortable with being a little silly.

I have pretty simple likes and dislikes. Like I love animals and have had various pets in the past as well as a dog right now. Drawing is one of my passions though I'm trying to get past my anxiety of showing people my art. I absolutely love to sing and I'm willing to listen to (almost) anything, but I love musicals more than anything. It's pretty easy for me to starting rambling about something I'm hyperfixated on then get a little embarrassed. I enjoy the cold more heat because I'm prone to heat strokes. Though exercising is difficult for me I love roller skating. My whole family loves video games so I grew up playing and really loving them. I have difficulties reading so I don't really enjoy it and use to hate it. I have a couple of fears like bug, clowns, and swimming. Sometimes talking is really hard for me cuz of my memory issues, slight lisp, and overall difficulty with pronuncing words, so I don't talk much and enjoy listen to people a lot more.

My love language is pretty evenly spread out, but I enjoy quality time with some sort of physical contact the most.

Varies health stuff that are unfortunately important about me: So, I was born without a sense of smell and with it food is very difficult for me. Most food looks very weird and gross to me, so I rely on texture the most with food. I do have fun making people skirm when they forget about my lack of smell though. I have a diagnosis for anxiety and memory issues, but my therapist agrees that I have more mental health related things. When I was young I had gotten myositis in my legs. Myositis is just muscle weakness caused by your immune system attacking your muscles. Symptoms come and go in episodes/flare ups so when I first got it I was in a wheelchair for six months. I still can't fully recover my leg strength so walking is still difficult if I do it too much.

Hello and thank you so much for this request! I hope that this match-up finds you well and I am so sorry as to how long it took for me to get this out to you! I hope that you enjoy it! I will do the romantic one first and as soon as I catch up on requests, I shall do the platonic!

Tw: None

I match you with...........

Jamil Viper

He is very much used to taking care of people (Kalim), and he has been doing it all of his life.... but it is different for you

Because you are his beloved partner

While he is forced to take care of Kalim, he takes care of you because he wants too

Is your eczema beginning to act up once more? (As someone who also has eczema, I understand this quite literal pain), he has the best remedies sent in from the Scalding Sands and will certainly help.

You don't know where he gets that lotion but by the sevens, the relief that you feel as he puts it on is unreal

With your lack of a sense of smell, he knows that this will certainly impact your food tastes and he will adjust accordingly

Jamil pays extra attention to how to react and respond to certain foods and will make adjustments to better suit your tastes, just so long as you are able to enjoy yourself

Another one who can't stand bugs (rather ironic for a man who grew up in what is basically a desert.... which is known for a lot of bugs), so good luck having some help when it comes to taking care of them

Okay.... if it is really small, he may try to squish it or something, but you have had to stop him more than once from lighting the thing on fire

You both enjoy whatever time it is that you are able to have with one another. He is usually quite busy, between taking care of Kalim, his club, duties as a vice hoursewarden, on top of his normal studies. But if you are both just able to be in the same room as one another, he certainly loves that

Speaking of his club, you are more than welcome to join him at the Basketball club. It's nice and air conditioned so you don't have to worry about getting too hot, and he loves that you come to see him

Overall, Jamil is a very attentive lover, doing what he had to be able to meet your needs and to ensure that you are well taken care of. He will continue to love and cherish you for as long as you allow him.

Thank you for your request!!

[shiraishi--kanade]

I heard you liked diagnosing project sekai characters with physical illnesses. I'm not disabled myself, but I wanted to include this in my writing and I trust you more than google. Can you share the symptoms of what you think Kanade is going through?

Anon this is a funny reputation to have. Thank you haha

On a more serious note I think there's a difference between what I think the characters can realistically be going through and what I personally like to throw at them for fun and whimsy. For the accuracy's sake let's go with the first one for Kanade and just look at what symptoms she canonically has and go from there.

We get a glimpse in the most of Kanade's struggles with her health in Spojoy Park, in which she experiences stuff like:

* Being generally exhausted even from walking (exercise intolerance)

* Having to stop and take a break a lot on the walk

* Heat sensitivity (although the is said to have no trouble tolerating heat in her menu conversation, this event actually points in the opposite direction)

* Poor-ish coronation/balance issues (falling from being spooked by a cicada, for one)

* Muscle ache

Now, a lot of these can also come from a sedentary lifestyle, which is probably what Sega intended, but if you want to go with a disability headcanon, it might be connected with some kind of cardiovascular disease. All of the things above are definitely what I experience.

If you want something chronic that's not actively life-threatening (unlike my own illness lol), I personally headcanon Kanade having POTS (the same as Touya because bear with me). Probably hypovolemic subtype as well. I can't really give you all the symptom because it's very individual and also I don't have it (although I have something similar enough that they both get confused for each other quite frequently), but there's a fairly active disability community on Tumbrl so you can go through the tags for research. Here's my five cents into something me and people with POTS share:

• Shortness of breath (dyspnea): feeling like you desperately need air but your lungs just can't expand enough for a deep inhale (like there's not enough space in your ribcage), so you're kind of left breathing very shallowly like a fish out of the water. Generally feels super unpleasant, like you're suffocating on a psychological level, but you're probably still able to breathe through your nose, it just doesn't feel like enough. Varies in severity, worse after exercise and flares, also sometimes I get severe attacks after falling asleep (to the point of it waking me up) but I don't know how common it is.

• Chest pain. Super individual + varies, but if you've ever experienced a tension headache, imagine something like this but in your heart instead. Not a hard thing to do research on all things considered.

• Tachycardia. You've also probably experienced it at least once even if you're able-bodied, it's super common during stress, anxiety attacks and stuff. In simple terms, your heart is beating way too fast and way too hard, sometimes with irregular rhythm. You can physically feel it in your chest and arteries, sometimes it also radiates into jaw, head and fingertips for me.

• Heat sensitivity. Just being more vulnerable to sun exhaustion most people. Even being in the sun for fifteen minutes is enough to make me dizzy, lightheaded and headachy.

• Standing up for longer than like ten minutes is hell on earth and my cardiovascular system doesn't like that one bit. The general consensus seems to be that walking is more tolerable than standing still though.

• Trouble sleeping because of all of the above. In Kanade's case it might be even more difficult, since her sleep schedule is... Messed up in general.

• All the outwardly noticeable symptoms like visible blue veins and paleness seem to be possible for Kanade as well. Most people assume I'm high before they think I might be disabled though lmao. Generally not a nice thing to have but the paler I look and the worse my eye bags (unrelated! To the amount of sleep I get! People really don't get this one for some reason!) get, the worse symptoms I get and vice versa makes it easier for other people to notice I'm not doing so hot and need accommodations. The better the day is the healthier I look.

• Cold hands and feet that also look kind of purple-ish, especially on bad days. Not necessarily means disability (some people are just like that but are healthy) but tends to freak people out a bit in combination with everything else. Yes, my hands are cold even if it's 40°C outside. No, I can't help it. Wearing gloves/socks still doesn't help. My body just can't regulate my temperature normally. Messes me up with how difficult it is to type and write as my fingers get really sticky and clumsy. Possible for Kanade as well as she has difficulty typing on her phone, so might be connected with that?

Even if not POTS, I believe most people with some sort of cardiovascular disease also experience some if not most of those things, so that's to get you started so to speak haha.

She might also have iron-deficiency anemia both as a comorbidity and just a thing on it's own because of her dubious nutrition intake, and is likely also vitamin D deficient because the Sun, man. She doesn't even have her curtains open. So mentioning her having to take supplements for that can a nice touch for your writing, especially since those two things are fairly common conditions!

I personally also headcanon her as having (h)EDS, but that's a talk for another day.

[sketch-guardian]

aight time for another ask!!! your OCs with a MC who works way too hard and barely gets any sleep at night? (also if you don't mind, platonic headcanons for Camy too because she's lovely and I want to hug her 😭) - Isa

Hello again!☺ It's always a pleasure to answer these questions😌they help me build the character of my OCs. However,I should seriously start putting reference images,so that people can recognize the characters🤔. Anyway I will do my best to reply!✨ (Also don't worry, I don't mind at all🙈in fact I'm flattered that you want me to write about my MC too💜).

RAD CLASSMATES AND CAMY (MY MC) WITH A OVERWORKED AND SLEEPLESS MC

DEMYA

First of all,Demya's a free spirit,who has long promised herself not to take orders from anyone, given her past, which means that she often doesn't respect dates of delivery for tasks. She's also not too familiar with the concept of school commitment,compared to other demons,she even learned to read and write later than normal. That said,we can imagine how Demya wouldn't understand why her mate works so hard, putting their health at risk,but Demya knows one thing for sure:work is stealing MC's attention and Demya doesn't like being ignored, so an intervention on her part is needed. Demya isn't above threatening to eat MC's RAD homework and no, she's not kidding, she's eaten worse, challenging her isn't worth it. Demya's determined and good with in distractions, in fact she has two options: either to eat something together with her mate and then drag them to bed, fluttering her eyelashes while acting cute and whiny to convince MC to stop working and lay with her (she thinks that a full stomach makes you sleepier easily) or tire MC in other ways if they're comfortable with that ... like caressing them or straight up making out until they nod off

DOMNRA (MOBIM)

Domnra isn't the best when it comes to work. He often doesn't do his homework ,due to him giving priority to other things, however he's quite lucky, because he has Mobim who takes care of notes when he's too busy. Don't get me wrong, he's smart and would be able to do his work on his own, it's just that he doesn't apply, so he quite admires a hardworking MC in that respect and can understand the issue of crossing the line, since occasionally he happens to do it with training, but he would be hypocritical enough to scold his partner for it (if MC points that out, they'll witness Domnra in all his tsundere glory). Domnra often has nightmares (about his fall and curse)and sometimes he happens to wake up alone in bed,with MC still awake. In those cases Domnra stands by MC until they have finished their work, perhaps giving them a hand to speed up and to distract himself, and if they fell asleep earlier, he would bring them back to bed in his arms. On other occasions, especially if in a calmer mood than usual, he would insist that they go to bed with him (which is rare, so it would be better to accept) and in the meantime he would decide to play some relaxing music and cuddle MC together with Mobim, who could try to reproduce sounds similar to the purring of cats to reassure MC. If all that doesn't work, then Domnra would suggest doing some exercise, to tire the body sooner

AZUL

Azul's a rather relaxed demon who does his work when he's in a good mood,otherwise when he's in a bad mood,he tends to withdraw into himself and let off steam until it passes. Azul thinks that MC should take their duties more lightly,it's nobody's death if they delays with delivering homework from time to time, life goes on and breaks are a must. He's also no expert on humans, but he's pretty sure that if little sleep isn't healthy for demons, then it's even worse for humans. So since he cares about his lovely star, he would try to convince them with sweet words, hugging them from behind and putting his head on their shoulder,maybe even gently rubbing their sore spots, he's good enough at temptation. If it doesn't work and MC desperately needs to sleep, then Azul would be forced to resort to magic (which would have been his first option since he always uses it, but obviously he wanted MC's consent)

ZURI

Zuri's a workaholic herself and always aims for perfection, so she spends a lot of time on her duties, having such high standards and doing everything herself, however she promised herself to keep fit and look after her looks, therefore she cannot afford to go to sleep late,except for some important events. She isn't a hypocrite and she knows that scolding MC for their behavior would be useless on her part,so she would just help them finish their work as soon as possible in an efficient way, so that they can get ready for the night. Zuri would prepare them a warm and flowers scented bath to reduce tension and then welcome them in her bed, with a hot drink on a bedside table ready to be consumed. After that she would gently put skin treatments on MC's face. And if her beloved still can't fall asleep, then Zuri would try to sing something while she holds them in her arms. She's good at singing and her voice is quite hypnotic

ODON

A resolution of Odon has always been to live peacefully and with a smile, although aware that such a lifestyle is not for everyone, after all they too had difficulties when they were younger to see Devildom,Celestial Realm and Earth in a new light, but in the end Odon got where they're now, so they aren't the type to minimize the stress of others. Odon has no difficulty with work,they're very intelligent and adapt to circumstances, challenges simply fascinate them and they always face difficulties with a smile. Odon knows humans are much more fragile than demons, so it saddens them to see MC trying so hard, like they're trying to prove something. In any case, Odon would stroke or pat their dear friend's head, saying that they're proud of their efforts, but that it would be better to take a break with some good biscuits and a cup of tea to reinvigorate their mind, their work won't run away and Odon can leave the eye-like creatures there to supervise if it makes them feel any better. To make MC relax, Odon would make them rest their head on their lap and read them a book, keeping one hand free so they could hold it. (P.S.: Odon has a tendency to call everyone friend. Lucifer? To Odon it's "friend Lucifer". Beelzebub? It would be "friend Beel". For MC, once they become a couple, it would be something like "dear friend MC")

CAMY (MY MC) (PLATONIC)

Honestly? Mood-

All jokes aside, Camy's a person who spends many hours working and usually during the week, she sleeps only about three hours (the seven brothers do not approve-), so she understands MC's drama, having the exact same problem, which have been made worse since she became a council member and Solomon's apprentice... she finds all these commitments very stressful. Camy would be afraid to make MC's situation worse, not having exactly good advice to offer, but as a friend, she would do her best to support them, even staying up with them through the night if necessary, she doesn't mind anyway. What Camy would suggest would be to listen to some relaxing music: she has occasionally fallen asleep with headphones on after all (it was embarrassing explaining that to Lucifer) or to vent to each other by telling about their problems, that should tire them enough

[lucysweatslove]

General life/school/personal updates. Under a readmore because some touchy subjects.

I finished my second term of med school on Friday!! Very pleased it’s over. I stand by what I’ve said early on- med school has a funny way of taking something you are actually interested in and turning it soooo dry and boring that you’d be happy to never see it again. Material comes at you so fast. I can keep up with what they’re asking, but I can’t deep dive into every topic or subject the way I’d like to. This makes it super boring for me.

I’m a horrible student. Like, I’m doing better than average, so I’m not a horrible student in that regard, but I’m putting forth very little effort. I think this block, I averaged maybe 3 hrs/week outside of the required class sessions. I feel like this comes across as bragging, which I don’t mean to do… talking about it at all feels like there’s now way to win. People get upset when you lie about it (eg act like you’re studying more than you really are), but they also get upset when you’re honest? Idk.

Which also, school in general… so there are focus issues happening (I was unmedicated for a while), and I’ve been having more sensory issues, too. Like needing sunglasses in class, having trouble because everybody is so loud but if I put in earplugs I can’t hear relevant material… People know I’m autistic, and they will see me use tools to accommodate myself. But they won’t actually accommodate me, outside of when I sometimes ask for lights to be turned down during some discussions or lectures (and then proceed to laugh when I visibly jolt and cover my eyes when the lights are turned back on without warning). It’s hard to tell people to turn their voices down twenty notches. It’s easier to just remove myself from the situation entirely. And tbh, I don’t know that I feel safe with my classmates in general. Not that my physical safety is ever in question (I know so many across the world are in physical danger), but that I don’t feel like I belong, that I’m respected, valued, and wanted. It’s lonely and isolating.

I’m also having some body issues as of late. I haven’t been to the gym since school started, which is mostly just because of timing issues. I’ve put on a little more weight, and while that’s not USUALLY a problem, I’m having a hard time navigating it again. When I’m in class or doing something clinical, I’m very aware that I’m being perceived. It’s not just me- it’s my body. Im seen first and foremost as a body with a gender. Im a feminine person, always identified as a woman by others, but my body is fat in a not socially accepted way. The only way to have my body be more socially accepted is to play into the femininity, which I don’t mind in and of itself, but others see femininity as a mark of womanhood rather than just being a general aesthetic… so when I play into femininity to avoid being treated as poorly, im even more gendered. If I try doing anything/dressing more masculine, it doesn’t “cancel out” into neutral. It adds- a slightly more masculine fat woman, still very far from hat “ideas.” Honestly it hasn’t been terrible just performing womanhood, but I miss the days where I was “kid in the pink jacket” and not “fat woman” with all these judgments.

So anyway, I want to start working out again because I know it’s better for my health, but I would be lying if I said I also didn’t desperately wish I had my old body back that was just feminine enough to play into it when I wanted but mostly wasn’t seen as anything major by anybody. The body I had when people just saw my ideas and mind and not a gender or a body shape. When I didn’t have to play into a gender to have my body accepted by society…

Which means that if i did start going back to the gym, my brain will start linking automatically and there is a high chance that i will be using gym not to be healthier but to influence my body which can easily devolve into exercise purging and disordered eating.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if this is how some alcoholics feel. Any small amount of diet-y behavior, like even a sip of alcohol, can trigger relapse. But even non-dieting “diet adjacent” behaviors can do it too. Anything tangentially related could trigger it. Going back the gym, while not inherently dangerous for most people, is so heavily associated with body control, weight loss, calorie counting, exercise purging, etc, that my mind can easily jump back into ED land when I engage in it.

So… yeah. A lot to think about lately. Glad I have a couple weeks off school at least.